Reposting this from my twitter thread because it hasn't left my head (and adding a tiny bit more).
Seen so many questionable takes lately about the ivantill kiss, and I know everyone is allowed to have different opinions and interpretations but.
No, Ivan didn’t just pretend to kiss Till for the show. And no, he wasn't trying to make Till hate him either or trying to trigger him over his implied SA to snap him into action.
I think the whole point of the scene (confirmed by the creators) is Ivan finally breaking his mask of perfection and control and giving in to his messy, all consuming feelings, being selfish for once.
Yes, by the end before the strangling starts, he appears more clear headed and now focused on the objective of manipulating the score. But he doesn't really look at it until AFTER he starts strangling Till.
The kiss itself wasn't part of the strategy, or at least not entirely something calculated. Ivan could have skipped the kiss and strangled Till right away and gotten the same result.
The fact that he kissed him AGAIN after he started strangling him, more softly and 'personal', almost like a goodbye or an apology (whether for his selfishness or for their past), tells me he wanted it.
I think a last selfish act doesn't diminish the love he had for Till, it just shows the tragedy of ALNST. Ivan is only human after all. And no matter what kind of mask he built for himself and what illusion of control he had over his life, when faced with the real, imminent possibility of losing Till, he crumbled and did something unexpected.
I have more to say about the Ivan and Sua parallels and how he finally understands her in the Confession comic etc etc but I think I've yapped enough.
I just don't like it when people try to mold the narrative because they're uncomfortable with an unconsensual kiss. It's meant to be painful and heartwrenching, a reflection on Ivan's one sided-feelings and his desperation at the moment —to be seen for the first (and last) time, to not be left behind, to convey his emotions in the only way he could when being seconds away from death.
After all the team confirmed that Ivan is clumsy with emotions and only knows to convey them in 'childish' ways (the nuzzling against his face, the picking fights with Till and teasing him).
I think some people like to think of the kiss as something purely calculated and selfless because it makes it more 'palatable', but in my opinion this take washes out Ivan's character and the flaws that make him just as human, vulnerable and complex as the rest of the cast. He was willing to throw away his life and his perfect image because he wanted something that badly.
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Imagine Buck saying “i love you” first and for the first time Tommy feels behind. He feels like maybe they are moving too fast.
Then he has a talk with some of his team. They’re not AS close as the 118 but they put their life in each others hand’s on the regular and that counts for something.
Andy asks Tommy about last week, when Buck was complaining about his apartment being so far so they started talking about moving in together? Aubree mentions how much he jokes about buying a ring for his beau, and Tommy sits back because he does joke a lot about (he hasn't spoken to Evan directly about it but anytime the kid does something sweet he asks him his ring size). Lucy mentions the time they spend talking and texting, she calls it nauseating with a wink, but Tommy doesn't remember the last time he wanted another person in contact with him at all times and who returned the feeling tenfold.
And after all, with their job they could die any day. He sits in his kitchen and replays the moment Evan said it again and again: "I know I'm dragging you through milestones like a cat with a mouse, and I want to let you know that you don't have to say it back. But I love you, Tommy. You mean a lot to me and I'm so happy we met."
Nine months is the longest relationship Tommy has ever had. And he still wishes he could spend every waking second with Evan.
By the end of the night he's barging into Buck's apartment and sticking his tongue in the younger man's mouth. He stands back and pushes his chest up and smiles and says "I love you too, Evan."
Buck is laughing, he's smiling and kissing his boyfriend back and hugging him tight. He can feel Tommy's heart racing when he puts his hand to Tommy's chest. He expected it to take longer. He'd heard about all the ways Tommy had been hurt before. But in the end it only took a day
then they hear a flush and Eddie walks out of the bathroom. He's smiling because Buck's loft is Not Big and he might have heard every word. For just a moment, they all stand in silence not uncomfortable per say but definitely charged.
Then Eddie says "I love you too, bro." Buck lovingly rolls his eyes and Tommy is cracking up. If it were anyone else he'd probably feel embarrassed but Eddie has shared friendly declarations of love before and its not uncommon for the L word to be passed around a 118 dinner party like hors d'oeuvres.
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Senior Year Au
Former Rat Grinders all spend the rest of Junior year and all of summer break in therapy, both individually and as a group. It's a lot of work, but they're coming back together in the aftermath in a healthier more sustainable way. (The empty places among them leave them feeling a mix of complicated emotions.)
Mary Ann still maintains her relationship (???) with Gorgug. (They're not asking many questions because Mary Ann gives few answers.) Lucy is good friends now with The Bad Kids, but Kristen especially. Even Ruben is on decent terms for the most part.
Ivy and Oisin had it much harder. They don't remember everything, but they remember enough to make the weight of it heavy on their shoulders, Oisin especially for the large part he and his magic had played.
Ivy had never been one to blatantly apologize. She's always been a bit catty, though never like that before. Still, before the school year ends she (very politely) asks Mazey for a moment of her time.
Mazey, a much kinder person, agrees and they step aside somewhere a little more private. (For however brief a time it was, Mazey did feel what the rage from that shatter star felt like. It's a large factor in her giving Ivy this chance.)
Ivy, as much as it visibly pained her to say the actual word sorry initially, does genuinely apologize. She's blut about it, and doesn't shy away in the least from the acknowledgement of how fucked up the things she said were.
They talk for a bit, and while it's hard to imagine they may ever be friends, both girls leave the conversation feeling closure on the topic.
Mazey ends up talking to Fabian about it, so of course the Bad Kids know.
Oisin talks briefly with Fabian Seacaster one day, extending an apology for the damages to him home, and passes along information so Oisin can ensure financial compensation is had.
The apology to Fabian is appreciated, but talking about it later the Bad Kids hone in on the fact that Oisin hasn't spoken to Adaine even once, to apologize for the taunt he's sent her or for-
Adaine abruptly says she doesn't want to talk about it, and ignores the fact that he exists entirely.
Oisin doesn't talk to them once the rest of Junior Year, even tho the rest of his team does. The Bad Kids think him a coward, and while Oisin would agree with them, the Rat Grinders look at each other with tight lips.
.
.
.
Oisin struggles greatly with his actions. He had been, essentially, Kipperlily's right hand. His magic had allowed Kipperlily access into, and away from, the Bad Kids Last Stand where she had killed Buddy. (They do not know where he is, but they've sworn to each other to find him.) His magic had laid the trap in Seacaster Manor, his summoning calling the Nightmare King Storm and his relatives who swarmed a house-boat filled with innocents.
Jawbone does help them get an actual accredited therapist, which is something Oisin feels great relief about, as it makes it easier to talk about some aspects of his time under the shatter-star.
.
.
Like the fact that prior to all this, he did have a very genuine crush on Adaine Abernant.
.
.
.
How couldn't he? She was beautiful yes, stunningly so, but more importantly she was smarter than a whip and a phenomenal wizard, unafraid to get her hands dirty. Even as short, scrawny dragonborn with glasses that felt too big for his snout at the time, he'd held the girl in very high esteem.
Oh he'd never ever dare to talk to her, for all that his friends may have once tried to encourage it during freshman year. He'd known even then that the elven girl was far out of his league.
While he wasn't a true dragon, Oisin's family had strong blood ties still, and the bleed over was still strong. Strength was important to them, and fighting the other was the first step in courtships between Dragons for a large variety of reasons. He'd been so scrawny, and a untested young wizard to boot, that he couldn't fathom ever being strong enough to match up to a girl like her. He's certainly endured enough scrutiny for his lack of battle prowess at home.
So no, Oisin hadn't thought that he would ever be a good match for such a girl, but he could hoard tender feelings about her in his chest, and nobody could do or say anything about it. At most he would endure some playful teasing at the time but he'd always reassure his friends it was alright.
"Not every unrequited love is bitter." Oisin told them once, smiling softly as he pulled his eyes away from where Adaine was walking to join her friends for lunch further out in the quad. "Statistically, high school romances don't work out. This is just...an equation that doesn't result in a positive answer. No use being angry at the numbers, the math won't change." He says.
Lucy had frowned, "Life isn't a math question Oisin."
"Yes it is," Oisin's responded, "it's just one of the unsolvable ones." His grin turned into a yelp when Ivy had dragged him down to try to noogie him, and they had all laughed and left the topic alone.
.
.
.
When he had first been raged out, he hadn't felt bitter. He felt strong and powerful and didn't need the distractions. But when Adaine had spotted him at the party to talk, after he'd grown tall and bulked out from the hours pumping iron to burn off the excess anger-
She only noticed him when he'd already been on his way to hell. That's when he started feeling bitter.
.
.
.
Oisin has so many complicated emotions and guilts eating away at him. He desperately wants to apologize to Adaine Abernant, to lay his heart bare so she may deliver his due judgement and strike true.
But more than anything, he needs to sort himself out first. He would not risk apologizing, not when his heart still ached, not when anyone could possibly notice and decide his apology was motivated by selfish wants instead of true remorse.
So Oisin does not speak to any of them the rest of that year or over the summer, even as the others will tag along with Lucy and Mary Ann sometimes to join the Bad Kids for an afternoon. He goes to therapy, reads self books, and painstakingly does his best to bleed the love for Adaine Abernant out of his heart. He knew the statistics when he fell in love, he'd have to do this one day or another.
Finally, first day of Senior Year, Oisin follows his party to where the remaining Bad Kids are.
He's spotted immediately, he knows because Riz Gukgak goes tense and starts furiously whispering, the Bad Kids exchange hushed words Oisin is too far to hear, but Adaine Abernant meets his gaze for a long moment.
Then she turns and leaves.
Oisin isn't surprised, but he does watch her leave for perhaps longer than he should have, before quickening his steps to catch up with the others.
The Bad Kids, as alright as they are with the others, glare at Oisin. Ivy beside him is tense, but bumping his tail against the back of her calves is his way of telling her this is alright.
He gives brief apologies, for the storm and those of his family who had attacked them all on his request.
Then, he quietly asks them to pass on a message to Adaine.
"I would like to apologize to her but-" He clears his throat under the pressure of the glares he's receiving. "If she doesn't want to hear it I understand completely."
Oisin doesn't give much time for a response, dipping his head and giving a quick goodbye as he prepared to go find his locker before classes.
"Oisin-" Lucy calls as he starts stepping away from the group.
"It's alright," Oisin murmers, thinking back to a warm fall day in the quad during freshman year. "I already knew the outcome of this equation."
"Life's not a fucking math problem, love." Ivy says, arms crossed defensively. Nobody else talks, and Oisin can feel the glares of the Bad Kids burning into his scales.
"Yes it is," he reminds them. "It's just a messy, unsolvable one." Oisin's smile is soft and tired. It is the smile of a man who's been resigned to his fate his whole life.
He'd always knew he'd never been or would ever be worth even a moment of the beautiful, amazing Elven Oracle's time.
He'd run the math, and it was no use being mad at numbers that wouldn't change.
Oisin turned and left.
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warnings: slight stalking, obsessive behavior, love obsession
reader's g/n
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd definitely know whenever a person enters or leaves the library he works on.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who has memorized the thousands of book decorating the bookshelves.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd like to anotate about the regulars' schedules & favorite genders.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd have many pages written about you who he'd unconsciously filled about everything you pick, what you're wearing and which books seemed to had been your favorites.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd imagine many outcomes to whatever conversation he wants to create with you.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd certainly be surprised when he realizes his liking for you and finally takes his time to read everything he has on his notebook.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd tries his best to ignore his mind's bad comments about himself when he gets the courage to talk to you on the counter one time you came to give back and take some other books.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! whose mind immediately melts when he hears your sweet voice finally saying more than good morning/night and thanks.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd crave to hear more of you, more about you, or even you reading him a book.
➻ Yandere calculating librarian! who'd tell you the news that to now borrow a book you need to leave more information about yourself. Like where you live, even your favorite color. You'll know if you believe him or not, but if you want to order again or even leave the bookstore, he will ask you to answer increasingly terrifying things.
➹ "𝑴𝒚 𝒎𝒚, 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒆? 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈... 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒎 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓? 𝒐𝒉 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐. 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒘..."
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