#cal kestis headcanon | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

djarintreble · 1 year ago

Text

cost of attachment || c. kestis

summary: It's been years since you've seen your friend, Cal Kestis. His return causes you to question if leaving the fight is worth his company as well as wonder if you were ever meant to be more. You stumble on what might be the answer to both of your struggles. What is worth more, the fight or a chance of companionship?

notes: My first kestis fic! I’ve been playing jedi: survivor slowly cause i don’t want to finish it! I'm hoping to make this a short series.

tags: Cal Kestis x Fem!reader, jedi: survivor storyline (first 3 hrs of gameplay), angsty flashback, fluff, use of y/n and made up name (kinda like fulcrum for ahsoka), greez plays matchmaker, slow burn (wc: 5k+)

“I can’t keep doing this, Cal. I’m tired.” you cried, a hand going from your hip to gently touch your temple as a headache threatened to appear.

It’s been a long day of trying to convince your fellow jedi that it was time.

Time to let go of the fight.

“We can’t give up…” Cal slowly reached to where you stood and cautiously placed a hand on your arm. He said your name so soft, so gentle, as if he was afraid it would crumble if said louder. “If we don’t keep fighting, who will?”

You looked up at your best friend who you’ve fought along side with for the past 3 years. As two former padawans, you ventured throughout the galaxy hoping to restore the jedi order. The mantis crew was stronger than ever. But even warriors get tired. Now, you wanted nothing more than to forget it all.

Forget the Empire. Forget the purge. Forget the Order.

Except you couldn’t forget. That was a word used in the heat of the moment. All you really wanted was peace. But peace was costly and now it seems it might cost the closest thing you’ve had to an attachment. Someone you loved.

Cal Kestis was far from giving up. His determination drawing to be his weakness.

“No matter what we do. The Empire won’t stop. I can’t keep doing this.”

“So you’re leaving.” He stated softly.

“I don’t have to. We can move forward together. Find a planet on the outer rim, far away from Imperials, maybe Greez can finally open his saloon.” You try to lighten the mood, going to grab Cal’s hand in reassurance. Before you can, he pulls away.

“How can you think that when there are millions of life forms dying at the hands of the Empire? If we stop, who will be there for them?” His passion blinded him. Guided by anger, trauma, and unadmittedly, fear. He had the mind of a seasoned warrior, not that of a young man.

“There are others, Cal. We’ve done our part. We can trust that the rebellion will carry on. You’ve gone your whole life surrounded by war. Don’t you think it’s time to take a breath? Rest? Like actually rest not just meditating and hoping that does the trick before your next excursion.” Your words fell short to the jedi in front of you as he turned around, facing the mantis.

“I can’t stop.” He said, quietly. It only took a few steps before he was at the ramp as he headed back into the ship.

Your training as a jedi helped you in assessing your emotions and not reacting by them. Right now, you wanted to beg Cal to listen to you, to run away, to start a new life. You wanted to grab his hand and admit the feelings you’ve had for him since the day you met back on Bogana.

But you didn’t.

“Then I cannot go with you.” You said, earning a quick turn of the jedi’s head.

He looked at you with a sudden force of emotions. You continued to stand still against the coruscant hanger platform with a straight face. This time he was not afraid to speak your name allowed. He didn’t know how to feel. You really were serious.

“What does this mean then?” He asked, holding back from finishing the question with, for us?

“I have fought my whole life, Cal. It’s time I learn to live. There will always be war. There will always be suffering. If you choose to continue and fight, we must go our separate ways.” You say firmly.

There was a long silence between the two of you. Both scared to be the first one to leave, never losing eye contact.

“Cal, Y/N, we gotta go. I just got a message from Gerrera. We’re needed on- oh…” Greez scrambled out of the mantis. He was hit with a wall of tension created between the two of you. “I, uh, we gotta go, kids.”

“She’s not coming.” Cal said, his green eyes still locked on you. You were the first to look away, giving a knowing look toward Greez. He knew where your mind was at. He was nothing but proud of your decision and that it was only a matter of time before you left the mantis crew. He saw your bag that held what little you possessed and nodded.

“Right… uh, Cal. Let’s go.” He said, giving you a frown. You looked back up at Cal and swore you could feel his pain. It was enough to almost make you change your mind but you swallowed down the guilt and stood a little higher as Greez led Cal back into the Mantis.

“Please rest soon, Cal. You are worth more than the fight.” You gave a final word catching a glimpse of a nod from the jedi before the doors of the Mantis closed.

It has been 3 years since you’ve last seen Cal Kestis. He couldn’t escape your mind though. He has made a name for himself in the galaxy, known as the Empires most wanted. He still couldn’t put down the fight.

As for you, traveling the galaxy was top priority. Sure you’ve had your fair share of planet excursions but they were always on a mission. You never had time to explore the markets and learn of the different cultures. You wanted to learn shryiiwook on the planet of Kashyyyk while being led through the trees by wookies. You wanted to get a taste of luxury provided by the locals of coruscant. You wanted to taste the fruit you saw on Aplooine since the one time you visited, you were too focused on not getting blasted by Imps.

Leaving the mantis allowed you to do just that.

You kept your lightsaber and remained connected in the force. Of course, you still went out of your way to defend helpless people when your conscious forced you to along the way. But never to the point of recognition or turning the ears of the Empire.

New hair, new wardrobe, new name. Only those who knew you prior would even think to call you by your true name.

Though you left, your contact with Cere, Merrin and Greez never ceased.

Cere resided on Jedha, finding a more discreet way of rebelling against the Empire; recollecting the Jedi Archives. Merrin occasionally helping while also fulfilling her own wishes of exploring the galaxy. Sometimes you’d join her on more discreet expeditions.

Greez fulfilled his wish of opening the Pyloon’s Saloon. This was where resided when you weren’t traveling.

Koboh was a beautiful planet filled with many life forms. As a temporary resident of Rambler’s Reach Outpost, you grew close to the other locals and it became the closest thing you’ve had to home outside of the Jedi Temple and the Mantis. You brought back collectibles from all over the galaxy for Doma Dendra. You’d Nekko-back with Mosey throughout the ruins of Koboh. Even Turgle became tolerable.

Now, you were hours away from your next planned adventure to Cantonica. There, your friend Pamiil awaited you, excited to show you around Canto Bight and the other exciting things the planet had to offer.

You just came back from a day’s trip to the far side of Koboh with Mosey, bringing back shards and new information about recent Imperial activity. Your plan was to trade the shards with Doma for a few appropriate attire for the casino planet and pack your bags before leaving that night.

“Thanks, Doma. Hopefully these help me blend in until Pamiil can fit me into one of those dresses that stops my circulation by the end of the night.” You shrugged as you balanced the clothing in your arms.

“Of course, Corde. Safe travels.” The Waluna shop owner called out, a lighthearted laugh following your comment. You smiled at her calling you by your chosen name. Corde; your late master’s name.

You wondered if Master Corde Orum was proud of you. Would she have approved of your decision to step away from the war? Would she have wanted you to keep fighting until you ended up like her? No, you wouldn’t let yourself ponder on such thoughts.

You carried you new clothing back to your small living place, adding it along with the other materials you packed for the trip. Only the essentials and whatever else you could fit into a small pack. The order taught you how to live a minimalist life and that continued to show through your current way of living. Your space only consisted of a bed, a fresher, a small kitchenette, and a hidden compartment where proof of your former life laid.

It was routine to check in on Greez before you left so you made your way toward the saloon with your pack and a few gifts you collected for the Latero.

When you stepped in, you noticed it was buzzing with noise. The place usually only inhabited two or three locals at a time but it was almost as if the entire outpost decided to have a drink at this hour. You caught Mosey at the first table.

“What’s got everyone in a celebrating mood?” You asked.

“I don’t know. Something about ‘down with the raiders’” she said, taking a sip of her drink. “I heard Turgle talking about someone saving him from Rayvis and now they think we’ll get rid of them for good.”

“Hmmm” you said, concern laced in your voice. “Where’s Greez? He’ll know more.”

“Saw him go back into the kitchen a few minutes ago. Let me know what you find out.”

You said hi to Monk before passing through the kitchen doors to find Greez talking through his comms to someone.

“Hey Greez. What’s going on?”

“Oh hey. Rayvis made a visit while you were gone and caused a whole scene.” He laughed nervously. “With Turgle involved, you know how the town gets.”

“Yeah but I heard-“

“My memory is as bad as an Oggdo. I was meaning to bring some of those baskets down to my living quarters and forgot them back in the saloon. Would you be helpful and grab them for me? I’ll take your bags and go down to make a spot for the baskets.” He flashed a smile and held out two arms directing you back out to the saloon. “Thank you!” he sung with a smile too big to dismiss your suspicions.

With a sigh, you turned around to grab the baskets he was asking for. Sure you had somewhere to be, but you could never say no to Greez when he asked for favors. Especially after how many times he saved your life.

Retrieving the baskets, you made your way down to the living quarters. You depended on the force to guide you as the tower of baskets blocked your view.

“Hey Greez, you really need to start cleaning up the place when I’m gone.” You started, setting down the baskets in a corner and turning back around to find the Latero. “I can’t always be the one who-“

You were caught off guard by the person accompanying Greez.

He had fiery red hair and faded scars ran along his nose and neck along with the freckles that painted his skin. Unkempt facial hair hid the scar on his jaw and gave him a more mature look. His hair was grown out in the back and cut on the sides, shaping his face better than his former style. This was all accompanied by sunken green eyes proving he has not slept in days. As he recognized you, his stature became more defined. BD peered from jedi, head tilted in curiosity before little beeps signifying he knew who you were.

Cal Kestis.

Of course he was the talk of the town. Cal was the most wanted man in the galaxy. Here he was in front of you wearing a stupid smile before shaking his head and managing a more serious look.

“Kestis.” You said, not daring to move from your place.

“L/N.” He replied, taking a step toward you. Your reflexes made you take a step back.

“It’s Corde nowadays.” You stated.

“Corde.” he smiled as he realized the significance of the name.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, it was unclear whether you were happy to see him or not. You couldn’t decide yourself. He must have thought you’d go running into his arms or something as he stood there baffled at your tone.

Shouldn’t he be mad at you? You were the first to abandon him. Last time you saw him, the stinger mantis doors were closing as his eyes burned into yours. Surely he didn’t forget that.

“I should ask the same.” he responded, causing you to cross your arms.

“I was about to leave to Cantonica before Greez decided to play a game of unite the jedis.” You said, peering over at the Latero who clearly wasn’t expecting this. His holofilms made him believe this would be the reunion of a lifetime.

“Would you look at that, Corde! It’s Cal Kestis. Your best friend from the good ole days!” He moved closer to the two of you as he pressed on with his match making agenda.

“I see that. He still hasn’t answered my question.” You said, looking back at Cal.

This act of yours was hard to keep up but it was crucial to not let those hindered feelings for your old friend come back. Who knew how long he would be here. Sure you left him but it was bound to happen since the rest of the crew decided to go off on their own too. It was too much to unpack those feelings again.

“The mantis took a bit of damage after our last mission. I came to find the one person who knew the mantis better than anyone for repair.”

Like you suspected. This was a favor. Once the mantis was fixed, he would be gone again.

You shook the thoughts that managed to creep in and looked at Greez to see where he stood with this.

“I said I would help, Corde. Do you think you can help too?” In response to your immediate grimace, he continued, “For old time sake.”

“If it helps, Greez already saved you of a lecture.” Cal smirked. You couldn’t help but return a soft smile.

“Fine. Only because I owe you.” You said, giving Cal a knowing look. Something to repay the way you hurt him that day. Maybe you even owed it to yourself for not saying more. For losing the chance to say how you really felt about him.

“Alright,” Greez huffed before walking over to his wardrobe. “I wanna show you both something.”

With a press of a button, his circular wardrobe rotated to reveal a hidden passageway. The sounds of the machinery moving echoed into the new cave-like hall, signifying just how spacious it really was. You couldn’t but let out a sound of awe as you peered through. It’s been what- two years since you’ve lived here and you’re just now learning about this?

“This is a smuggler’s tunnel. It came with the cantina.”

BD jumped off Cal’s back and pattered over to the entrance and let out his own beeps of curiosity.

“Now you go ahead and look. I keep a lot of spare parts down there. I’m sure you’ll be able to find whatever you need to get the mantis up and running. Besides, it will be more helpful having two sets of hands.” The double meaning was enough to lighten the mood of the room.

“Alright, Greez. We got it. Pamiil will be fine a few more hours.”You laughed, checking to see if you still had your blaster in case of emergency. Carrying around your lightsaber was too dangerous now. It remained in the small box in your flat.

“Thanks. I appreciate all this.” Kestis acknowledged you both. You responded with a nod.

“Cal, can I tell you one thing?” The latero asked. “It’s really good seeing you again.” You smiled, Greez wasn’t someone to wear his emotions on his many sleeves. He had a soft spot for Cal. You couldn’t blame him though, it seemed you did too.

“Yeah, you too.” He responded. “Both of you.” He looked back at you with a sense of vulnerability.

“Yeah…” You trailed, breaking off eye contact between you two. Cal gestured to let you go first and you gladly took it, walking past him.

“And Greez, I’ll think about what you said.” You heard Cal say from behind. You were curious to just what Greez was lecturing Cal about.

“Hey, uh-“ Greez called out, making you and Cal look back over to him. He pondered for a second before simply saying, “Watch your step down there, be careful. I definitely have a pest problem.”

“It’s not me you have to worry about.” You called out, earning a snicker from Greez. Back when the pair of you would go on missions, that became a catch phrase and always ended with you both coming back to the mantis with some wild near-death story. It’s surprising you haven’t given Greez a heart attack… yet.

It was silent besides the echoes of your footsteps and the occasional beeps from BD when he wanted to scan something new. After a few minutes of following the trail marked with circular arches, you came across a green force field blocking you from going any farther. Before you could say anything, a bogling appeared and attempted to go through, resulting in being zapped. The creature fell back with a sad noise.

“Poor fella…” You knelt down to give the bogling a scratch behind its ears as Cal examined the energy field. The bogling leaned into your hand and purred.

“There’s no way through this.” Cal stated. You pushed off your knees to stand back up and look around the tunnel for another way around.

“Look, through there. There’s an opening. Think we can squeeze?” You asked. Cal raised his lightsaber up in the air to illuminate the opening.

“We can manage.” He shrugs, earning a smile from you. Maker… you missed him.

You pushed through the passage first, using the blue saber’s light as your guide. On the other side laid broken foundations and a small stream that puddled from a waterfall. Just how big was this tunnel, you thought. As Cal made his way through you both headed for another opening that came from the other side of this cave, behind the walls.

“How long have you lived here on Koboh?” The Jedi asked.

“I don’t consider myself a resident really. It’s more of a base camp between traveling. To keep an eye on Greez.” You say, climbing up one of the statures.

“You were never one for settling.” Cal called out from behind you. You smiled.

“Neither were you. Guess it’s a Jedi thing.” You say.

“Where have you travelled?” He asked. You performed an old wall jump across one of the broken passage ways and turned around to watch Cal catch up. As he landed, the structure between the two of you broke off, causing Cal to jump once again over to where you were at.

“Cal!” You yelled out, running to grab him. You held onto his arm as if his life depended on it. He was fine, honestly more than fine seeing how much you cared about him. A smirk painted his face as he said, “Careful… Nobody’s used these tunnels for a long time now.” You let go of him and turned back around to keep going. Really, you. needed to hide how red your face suddenly appeared.

As you turned around the corner, you found the energy field showing that you made it to the other side. Piles of supplies and crates laid around the cave.

“Just how much junk has Greez been hiding around here?” You asked mindlessly.

“Leave it to him to take another person’s junk and… add more junk.” Cal added.

As you went through the stuff to find the replacements Cal needed, he asked his question again. “Where have you travelled to… Corde?” He asked.

“You don’t have to call me that,” You said quietly, “there’s too much history between us.”

He said your name quietly, treating it as if it was fragile. He was known to do this. Honestly, he was always one to hold the things you cared about closely. Your name, your past, your lightsaber… Your future. It’s why he never asked the questions that lingered in his heads. The ones pertaining the relationship you share, why you really left years ago, why he couldn’t get your name out of his head late in sleepless nights.

Hearing your name from him once again made you feel warm inside. A feeling you were scared to meddle with once again.

“I went back to Kashyyyk recently.” You smiled. Looking up from a crate you were examining, you found Cal staring at you with a blank stare and smile. “What?” You whispered. He shook his head.

“How was it? Did you see Choyyssyk?”

“I did. He’s doing well. He led me through the Origin Tree again, now that it’s been recovered. It was beautiful to see when I wasn’t fighting an inquisitor.” You laughed yet Cal’s face made it clear that comment stung somehow. You continued, “And he even taught me a bit of shryiiwook.”

“Now that- I need to hear.” Cal laughed.

“I can’t speak it,” you laugh along with him. “I wouldn’t have a voice if I tried. I just now know when they’re making fun of you.” Throwing a gadget that you think could be of some use his way, you peered over to more gear around the corner and spotted the gyro module. “Is this what you were looking for?”

Cal follows your gaze and finds the gyro. He nods, “yeah, that’s it.” BD beeped, almost in a way to remind you he’s still there. You were still rusty on binary as you always use to let Cal translate for you. Cal understood what he said however and looked at him with a frown. “I know buddy but we have to keep going.”

You didn’t dare ask for a translation, the conversation obviously hinting toward you. Of course you missed the little droid and his red-headed companion.

Following Cal, you pondered on the idea of seeing him again after this. That maybe this wouldn’t be a one-and-done kind of situation. Maybe Cal would see how beautiful Koboh was and finally understand what you meant by settling down and leaving the fight.

These five years have changed you. They’ve always changed Cal. Neither of you, though, was willing to back down from your mindset. You left the fight and he can’t see a future where he doesn’t.

“Well… Here it is. Let’s go bring it back to the mantis to get it all fixed up.” Cal latched the module onto his belt and began to walk back toward Greez’ room. You followed behind quietly, somewhat sad that your short adventure was coming to a close.

“Hey Cal…” you began. He turned around with a smile. Before you could ask him, the step you took caused the ground beneath you to cave in. Before you could bear your surroundings, the floor slipped from beneath you as you fell into the apparent nothingness. “CAL!” you screamed.

Cal screamed your name before tumbling down after you along with worried beeps from BD.

You thrashed around, hoping to grab onto something, anything that would stop you from continuing down the dark path. Cal reached further toward you and grabbed your hand. With what little force you could focus in, you both pulled into each other. With his arms around you, he managed to wrap around so he was the one that fell first. You managed to land on a fallen arch, sliding down a long path that finally revealed an opening to a new part of the cave. The hill bumped you off causing the two of you to roll onto the new foundation. After scrambling around to find your grounding, you landed on top of Cal; your head landing on his chest.

It seemed you both haven’t processed that the fall was over as Cal kept his tight grip on you and your arms clinged onto the fabric of his vest. The sounds of BD’s concerned beeps brought you back to reality. Cal loosened his hold as you sat up, noticing the position you were both in.

You would have felt embarrassed if you weren’t distracted with how this new light made his green eyes seem almost seafoam green. How his red hair seemed to have bright orange highlights after years of many suns exposures. It’s been years since you’ve seen him up this close. So close you could see the way his faded scar on his nose trailed up toward his left eye in a light pink hue. His lips were chapped as they were left slightly open in response to your sudden curiosity.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly. You pushed up away from him and suddenly realized how cold this area was. He was so warm.

“Yeah, I- I’m good. You?” Cal sat up onto his elbows with a groan.

“I’ve been better.” He replied honestly. He rolled his shoulders back as he sat up more. You realized he took the fall for you and jumped up to help him.

“Thank you.” Was all you said as you lifted his arm to help him stand up.

“For what?” He asked with a small laugh.

“Looking out me.” You responded, making sure he knew you were serious. He gave you a soft smile. “You always have. Even when I didn’t notice. Like now when you took the fall or all those times you saved my ass back in the mantis days.” Cal gave you a smirk.

“I’ve missed those.” He said, dusting off himself. BD climbed up his back with an agreeing “woooop boop.”

“I have, too.” You placed a hand on his bicep consolingly. “I’ve missed you.” You admitted. There was no more act to play. Now, you couldn’t let Cal leave this planet without knowing just how hard it was for you to leave him that day.

Cal placed his hand over yours. “The day you left… apart of me left as well. I haven’t been the same.” He couldn’t look into your eyes anymore.

“I thought you were mad at me for leaving. It’s why I never reached out. I’m sorry.” Before you could add more, he stopped you; his grip on your hand tightening.

“No. You made the right choice. I didn’t understand it at the time but- seeing you now… it needed to happen. A smart latero once told me, ‘it takes more strength to walk away than to keep fighting.’ I could never be as a strong as you.”

"Cal, that's not true."

"Yes it is. To keep you would mean to leave the fight. And... the fight is all I know." You couldn't respond. He was right. All you could do was wrap your arms around his waist and give him the hug you held back from when you first saw him that day.

You didn’t know where you were but it didn’t matter. Not when it meant you could be wrapped in Cal Kestis’ arms. A place you always wondered would ever become your safe haven.

Time was frozen as you breathed in his warmth once again. You were scared if you let go, you would feel the cold you felt before; the cold that inhabited you for the past few years.

You realized you never settled as you thought. You were still on survival mode under the pretense that you were exploring. To settle, to breath, meant being by his side. It took leaving and experiencing that sense of solitude to realize it. Now, you didn’t want to leave his side ever again. Even if that meant rejoining the fight.

The stubborn side of you thought it was stupid. You weren’t going to change your ways just because your past feelings decided to make an appearance. It was telling you that the second the mantis was fixed, Cal would leave you and you’d never see him again. It would take Koboh three rotations around its sun just to get over the hurt you’d make yourself feel by letting him in again.

But the side of you that was influenced by the force, by the ways you’ve been raised and taught, it told you this was meant to be. The force works in mysterious ways and events like this don’t happen just because. You were meant to see Cal Kestis again. The thought made you squeeze him a little tighter.

Your grip caused him to chuckle as he responded by rubbing your back consolingly. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Finally letting go, you pushed back to scan for any injuries you’ve ignored. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He rolled his shoulders back again, rolling his head and twisting around waiting for something to pop or hurt. His years of being a scrapper destined him to aching bones and poor posture. So along with his never ending need to fight and not rest, he ignored some of the cracks and soreness. “Yeah yeah I’m alright. Tell you this. The sooner we get to Greez’s, the sooner we can-“ He stops as he looks beyond you. Cal gently moved you out of his way to look.

“The sooner we can what?” You asked, turning to look at whatever caught Cal’s attention. “Oh.”

The vast cave seemed endless. Waterfalls were replaced by old, disfigured structures. It felt familiar. As if you’ve always known they were here. It reminded you of some of the buildings you’ve seen in the distance on Koboh but was afraid to visit alone.

“What is this place?” You asked as you followed behind him. BD responded with a curious 'boop beep.'

“Almost reminds me of the Jedi training grounds.” Cal responded, you gave a nod in agreement. That’s what it was.

"Is this our way back?" You asked.

"Only one way to find out. Care for another adventure?" Cal turned to face you, an enticing smirk plastered on his face. His hands on his hips. BD beeped as in reiterating Cal's question.

You couldn't say no. Especially if it meant more time with your old friend. If this meant you'd be by his side a little longer, you'd wait to see if you would ever become more.

Beyond these caves would soon answer that question as you both worked toward a way to finally put the days of the Empire behind you and breath. Working along side the mantis crew once again to find what you've always longed for.

A home.

----------------

hi!! thank you for reading this! I said I was going to make this just one part but now I want to write more of cal and corde... lmk if you'd like more adventures between them! maybe they will finally admit what they were scared to this whole time.

corde - latin for "heart" french for "string"

tag list: @emberlei @chaoskrakenuwu