#cal/merrin

[writeittypeit]

one of the many nightsister secrets

[michelledoarty]

I'm in the middle of playing Jedi Survivor and the way I screamed at this scene

[neptune-scythe]

Merrin and Cal are 100% queer to me idc

they're bi for bi, they're aspec for aspec, they're queerplatonic, they're friends with benefits, they're t for t, they're polyamorous

they're undefinable, they're unlabeled,

cishet romantic/sexual relationship?

not a chance

those motherfuckers got some queer shit going on

[spectral-musette]

Very belated birthday gift for @allatariel !

Cal, Merrin, and the bogling

[phoenix-downer]

Survivors Chapter 1

Survivors: ~1250 words. Merrin can tell Cal wants to be with her, but he will have to reconcile his growing feelings for her with the teachings of the Jedi Order and all that has instilled in him.

Story Info: Cal Kestis/Merrin. Set during Jedi: Survivor. Canon Compliant, Alternating POVs, Missing Scenes. Romance, Fluff, Introspection, Mutual Pining.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 

Cal was maddeningly, infuriatingly restrained. 

Oh, he wouldn’t stop her if she put her arms around him as they rode a spamel together. He happily cuddled next to her by the fire if she leaned her head against his shoulder. And he made no move to leave when she lay down next to him and put her hand over his. Even when she’d kissed him, he hadn’t pushed her away or told her to stop.

But he never initiated anything. He was too much of a Jedi for that.

Merrin cursed the Jedi Order under her breath. Curse them all for giving Cal such hangups about his completely natural urges. She was relieved the Nightsisters had no such qualms. Her clan’s leader had even encouraged the sisters to engage in relationships if they so wished. 

Naturally, it was just her luck to fall for the stubborn man who absolutely refused to be in any sort of romantic relationship.

She glanced at him now, deep in conversation with Cere and Eno Cordova about Tanalorr. They were strolling through the Hidden Path’s archives on Jedha, the blue glow of the holorecords casting everyone in an eerie light. He seemed to sense her looking at him, because he cast a glance her way, and for a split second their eyes met. Then he hurriedly looked away, and Merrin wanted to sigh.

He is like a small child, afraid of his crush. 

It was an amusing contrast to how well he carried himself otherwise. With decorum, maturity, and dignity, but with just enough recklessness in battle and awkwardness when it came to matters of the heart to make him endearing.

Listen to me, I sound like a child with a crush, too. 

“Merrin,” he said, and she straightened from where she was hunched over one of the archive’s consoles. She would never admit it to him, but she loved the way he said her name. Always with this note of deep affection he could not hide no matter how hard he tried.

“Yes, Cal?” she asked, far more casually than she was actually feeling. BD-1 looked from her to Cal and back again. Could droids sense sexual tension? BD-1 was making an excellent case for himself.

Cal stared at her for a disconcerting amount of time before speaking again. “Are you ready to go?” he asked, his voice softer than she was expecting.

“I’ve been ready for ages. I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost somewhere in the archives.” She slipped back into their natural banter easily. She’d missed it in their years apart.

“Not my fault the Anchorites were having some deep discussions about the Force I just couldn’t miss out on,” he replied, a charming half-smile on his face. 

“Careful, you could spend years of your life listening to them argue.”

That got a chuckle out of him. “Speaking from experience?”

“They have a very different view of the Force than the Nighsisters and Jedi do, and they do not even agree with each other.” With that she started a light jog towards the Veiled Hangar where the Mantis was waiting.

He followed after her. “Makes sense. The Force encompasses us all. I’m not surprised that different people interpret it and interact with it differently.”

She glanced behind her. “What was that? A Jedi admitting his way of seeing the Force might not be the only way?” It was very unlike the arrogance of the Jedi Order, and she couldn’t help but tease him about it.

She was rewarded once more with another chuckle from him. “You may be surprised to learn that I’ve expanded my horizons since you left.”

The words were joking, but there was a hint of sadness in his voice. Even though we have discussed it and he understands my reasons, he is still mourning our time apart. Another sign he cares for me. And yet now that they were together again, he was dancing around the very topic that neither of them could avoid forever.

I wonder if he will ever make a move, or if I will have to initiate everything. Merrin did not mind going for what she wanted, but for once she wanted him to initiate something. A hug, a handhold, a kiss, anything. Even now, even after that kiss, even after he had entrusted his life to her as she’d thrown him around the Sanctuary Temple, he kept a safe, respectable distance from her as they jogged to the Mantis.

She stopped, and he did as well.

“Cal, before we go to Koboh…are we going to talk about what happened earlier?”

He stiffened. “Do you mean Brother Armias—”

“I meant us, but if you wish to speak about him, then let me reiterate what Cere said: his death was not your fault.” 

“I know. It’s just one more person I couldn’t save.” He wouldn’t look her in the eye, and his fists clenched at his sides. BD-1 made a few concerned beeps as he clung to Cal’s shoulder.

“It was his time, and he died to help the Hidden Path. We must continue his legacy.” Once again Merrin was grateful for her upbringing as a Nightsister. To Nightsisters, death was just a part of life. It was sad to be sure, but she did not fear it or dread it. She knew she would join her sisters who had passed on before her. Cal on the other hand struggled to let go of a man he’d known for mere seconds before his death and was haunted by every single death he’d ever witnessed.

He is too compassionate for his own good. That will be his undoing. And yet it is one of the things I love about him.

She reached up and cupped his face. He flinched but made no move to remove her hand.

“Life has been very unkind to you, Cal Kestis,” she said softly. A man like him should not be fighting this war. And yet a man like him was exactly what the galaxy needed to fight off the shackles of the Empire.

“No more unkind to me than it has been to you,” was his gruff reply.

“And yet here we are. It’s like I told you before,” she said, gently stroking his cheek. “We are survivors.”

His lips parted and his hand twitched at his side, and for a split second she wondered if he would cup her cheek and kiss her. But then the moment passed and he just stared at her, his face a careful impassive mask as his hands remained limply at his sides. 

BD-1 made a few disappointed beeps.

“Come on, let’s go,” Merrin said. If she pushed Cal now, he might pull away from her forever. He’d already transgressed by letting her kiss him and they both knew it. She suspected he’d found the best loophole he could manage by letting her initiate everything. That way he could tell himself he hadn’t broken his rules while still getting to enjoy being close to her. That it was her fault and that she hadn’t broken any of her rules either, so no one was to blame for what happened between them, really. 

But the moment he initiated something, all his careful justifications would come crashing to the ground like those pots at the Sanctuary Temple he kept running into.

Merrin sighed. She could only hope he would find a way to reconcile his beliefs with their growing relationship.

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A/N: I was finally able to play Jedi: Survivor and was so happy to see Cal and Merrin's relationship developed further. I've been rooting for them to get together since Fallen Order, and the way Jedi: Survivor handled their romance was just so good. I especially loved the scene at the Sanctuary Temple where she uses her magic to throw him around and he entrusts her with his life. Such an iconic scene honestly and one of my favorites in the game.

Anyway, I wanted to delve into their thoughts/feelings during their romance arc more, and so this story is an exploration of that. It will be three chapters total, and I plan on posting a chapter a day until it's finished.

Thank you for reading!

[morathicain]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars - Jedi Survivor (Game) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Cal Kestis/Merrin Characters: Merrin (Star Wars), Cal Kestis Additional Tags: happens after the defeat of Rayvis in Survivor, Cal Kestis Needs a Hug, and some sleep and rest and a shower, Merrin cares, tbh they both need a hug, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Tension, and suppressed feelings, the feelings are requited but they haven't talked about it yet, I may need some rest too, Cuddles, sleeping, Cal is exhausted, Soft Cal Kestis, POV Cal Kestis, no beta we die like Rayvis, Can you tell that I need some fucking rest too?, Fluff, no spoilers past Rayvis defeat, Canon Divergent Summary:

Cal has defeated Reyvis and is troubled by self-doubt. He needs some rest and a hug. Maybe Merrin needs some, too.

[majorshiraharu]

My Secret Santa Gift for @commanderfoxtheshield for the Star Wars fandom fest gift exchange event @starwarsfandomfests Cal and Merrin enjoying a dance at a winter gala <3

Happy Holidays and New Year! <3

[jillian-613]

My kids grew up so much *____*

[supportwomenscannibalism]

If anyone else loves making musical associations as much as I do, I present

Stuff on here for Cal/Merrin, Cal/Bode, Bode/Cal/Merrin, Santari/Dagan and ofc each individual character and just Vibes.

Aside from the bounty hunter raps and the in-game music, I can list my reasons for each and every song on here cuz I’m that much of a nerd 😋

[chubbyooo]

I’ve been hyperfixating on Jedi Survivor so wrote an interlude for Merrin on Dathomir as it is my obsession i may write some more but its just canon compliant details for her time between the two games and the books also as a side not for my main fic I’m still working on it I’ve just been doing some edits to the pacing before i continue the story

[myfaenwy]

i cannot explain how happy this makes me. he love his scary goth girlfriend so much

Cal enjoys having a scary girlfriend a normal amount.

[writeittypeit]

sad alien wizards :(

[stealingpotatoes]

tfw you're too busy trying to hide your jedi-code-breaking romance to notice your fellow jedi is also breaking the code

(commission info // tip jar!)

[spectral-musette]

If you don’t have fresh mistletoe, conjured from the ether will do.

[meril-tospen]

I know I keep saying this but I'm really thankful for all of you. Happy last day of 2023 ✨

[phoenix-downer]

Survivors Chapter 2

Survivors: ~1270 words. After Cal faces Dagan Gera again, he can't sleep, so he goes to the rooftop of Pyloon's Saloon and has a heart-to-heart with Merrin.

Story Info: Cal Kestis/Merrin. Set during Jedi: Survivor. Canon Compliant, Alternating POVs, Missing Scenes. Romance, Fluff, Introspection, Mutual Pining.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 

Are Dagan and I really so different? 

It was a thought that had haunted Cal ever since he’d seen that Force Echo on the Shattered Moon, especially now that Rayvis was dead, and by his hand. 

Sighing, he rolled over and stared at the wall near his bunk. Sleep was not coming easily even though his body was exhausted from his ordeal on the Shattered Moon.

Dagan was obsessed with Tanalorr and went against Khri, even though he loved her. He threw everything they shared away because he wanted that compass, and she had no choice but to cut his arm off to stop him. 

Cal was relieved that Merrin had told him his friends would intervene long before he ever got to that point. And yet…

How is what I’m doing to Merrin any different than what Dagan did to Khri?

Keeping her at arm’s length. Focusing so much on the goal that he’d lost sight of the whole point of the goal: finding a safe place to build a life for the people he cared about. Bode was right. Life is short, and what was the point of searching for Tanalorr if he had no one to share it with? The whole reason he wanted to find the place was so that he and his friends, no, his family, could live their lives in peace, along with all the other Force Sensitives the Empire was hunting down.

He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Might as well try to do something useful if sleep was gonna elude him. BD-1 beeped curiously from his nightly perch on the workbench, but Cal reassured his friend that he was just stepping out for some fresh air.

With that, he gingerly picked his way to the rooftop of Pyloon’s Saloon. He was surprised to find Merrin was seated by the garden already, carefully eyeing him.

“You cannot sleep,” she said, skipping all formalities.

“Nope,” he said, sitting close to her but not too close. His Dathomirian Red Fire Pineapple was growing nicely thanks to Pili, and it was a beautiful night tonight. Not as cloudy as it sometimes was, so the stars were visible, and there was enough light to see Merrin’s face. She’d become more beautiful to him than ever during their time apart, and being near her again made him want more than he had any business asking for.

But being apart from her was getting harder and harder to bear. He would have to make a decision about all of this before too much longer. 

“Something is troubling you,” she said, ever the perceptive one. “Is it what we spoke about earlier?” 

“Yes and no.” She waited patiently, and he sighed and relented. She was a good listener, and he might as well share some of what was on his mind. “I keep thinking about Dagan and Khri. He betrayed her, and she was forced to hurt him to stop him.”

“I’m sure it did not come easily to her, but she did the right thing.”

“I know. What gets me is what happened after she cut his arm off. She begged a medical droid to put him in a bacta tank. She saved his life. And for what? She knew what he was. She knew what he’d become.”

“Sounds like she loved him,” Merrin said. Effortlessly reaching the conclusion he’d pieced together after seeing enough Force Echoes.

“Even after everything he did?” Cal asked. Merrin’s reasoning was right, he knew it was, but it made no sense to him. Khri must’ve wanted to come back for Dagan, or she would’ve left him to die instead. Something must’ve happened that prevented that, or she would’ve awoken him long ago. But why give him a second chance at all?

“Love is not so simple, Cal. You do not stop loving someone just because they did something bad or disappointed you. The love just turns to pain instead. Maybe she hoped there would be a way to save him. I doubt she ever fully gave up on him.”

“He’s beyond saving, trust me,” Cal said, his voice bitter. He’d dealt with the man enough to know that. The Dark Side had Dagan tight in its clutches, and his own arrogance, madness, and bitterness kept him imprisoned there.

Merrin fiddled with a little Nightsister magic, its green glow casting flickering lights across her face. “I do not think that is so simple either. Granted, I am not the one who’s had to fight him twice,” she said with a chuckle, “but Khri must have seen good in him to want to save his life.” 

“Either that or she was hopelessly naive.”

“I do not think a woman as brilliant as Khri would be wrong about something so important.”

“Why not? Love blinds the heart.” 

Merrin raised an eyebrow. “Is that Cal Kestis speaking or the Jedi Order?”

Both. Merrin had no idea how much his feelings for her were a distraction, a weakness, a vulnerability that was easy to exploit. That was why the Jedi Order forbade attachments. But without someone to care for, what was the point in being a Jedi? And why were romantic relationships considered an attachment but friendship was not? Cere and Greez and BD-1 and even Bode were all important to him now. Master Cordova too. Why was that fine but his feelings for Merrin weren’t?

“I just look at how much havoc Dagan has already wrecked,” he finally said, “and see the wisdom in the Jedi Order’s teachings. If Khri had let him die and I hadn’t been such an idiot, we wouldn’t be in this mess. But because she loved him, she let him live, and because I was so desperate to find another Jedi, I let my guard down and woke him up. If I could just let go of those attachments, it wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Cal, attachments are not the problem. A lack of control over the heart and mind is the issue.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying I’m bad at controlling my feelings?” 

“No, just that you are bad at hiding them,” she teased, her eyes dancing. That got a half-smile out of him. She hesitated, then added, “Or perhaps I know you too well.”

His half-smile turned into a full smile. “Maybe you do.” That was never something he would complain about. Merrin was his home. His family. He was glad she knew him so well. He wanted to know her just as well.

A few moments of comfortable silence passed before Merrin spoke again. “Cal, I know you are still grieving the loss of the Jedi Order. You and Cere both. And I know I tease you about being a Jedi, but it is affectionate. There is good as well as bad in the Jedi Order’s teachings. Maybe you can take the good and combine it with something better to create a new kind of Jedi.”

“Yeah, maybe so.”

With that she said goodnight and returned to her room in Pylon’s Saloon, leaving him alone to think.

Maybe Merrin was right. Maybe there was a way to be a Jedi that was more true to the spirit of the Jedi than the Jedi Order had been. A Jedi who combined love and compassion with a steadfast commitment to his friends and family. A Jedi who prioritized the people who made life worth living over the demands of a religious or political order, who did the right thing and loved his friends no matter what. 

That was the kind of Jedi Cal wanted to be.

——————————————————————————

A/N: As I was playing Jedi: Survivor, I thought Dagan Gera and Santari Khri's relationship was an interesting foil to Cal and Merrin's, and I wanted to explore that concept more. Dagan is what Cal could have become without the Mantis crew keeping him in check, and I feel like Cal realizing that was a big wakeup call and crucial part of him choosing a different path.

Thank you for reading!