#caffeine doesnt work on me
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Me: how do I get rid of this feeling?
My brain: what? The exhaustion?
Me: yeah
My brain: sleep
Me: not an option
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Just had my first psychiatrist appointment in like two years! Not to brag, but I improved on mental illness so much that I was upgraded from Bipolar 2 to Bipolar 1! 😎
#when she asked me questions and said 'that seems more like bipolar 1 than 2' i immediately got so excited#to make this fucking joke on tumblr#when my mom asks how my appointment went im going to make it to her too and shes going to hate it#im trying to collect all of the diagnosises and meds#ive tried so many meds in the past im excited to add a new one to my repertoire#i dont even know what this one is for. i think its cuz my bipolar leans heavily towards the depression#and so far that depression has been untreatable. so i think thats what this is for#my caffeine intake was heavily judged whivh i did not appreciate. but its a judgement worthy amount of caffeine tbh#also i had onboarding for my new job at mcdonalds literally immediately after my psyh appointment#and it was strange. i did the normal things. paperwork etc#but at the end i asked if colored hair was okay and she said she encourages self expression#but then she whispered and said some people are furries and thsts okay but if i am i cant wear the claws or tail at work#just for food safety reasons. and she brought me out to a separate building thats their dry storage#and she said sometimes theres pine snakes in there so just be loud as you go in#and she said she doesnt mind if you smoke weed on the clock. just do it in your car or dry storage and use body spray to cover the smell#ive missed working fast food. im going to change my mind after like two shifts but its fine#anyway i hope you appreciated my mental health joke :) i made myself laugh hysterically with that one
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i have sleeping problems in a not-fun way. i have sleeping problems in a “i am probably going to get fired from my job if this keeps up but there’s nothing i can do about it” way.
#in neg city#i keep falling asleep at work and my boss keeps catching me and she is Not Happy w me rn#which like. theres only so much i can do when it takes my body like 4 HOURS to feel like im here#and i know im walking on thin ice rn shes already vaguely threatened to fire me its only a matter of time before that becomes real#but theres nothing i can do about it bc im not tired at night EVER!!! AND IT TAKES ME LIKE THIRTY MINUTES TO AN HOUR TO FALL ASLEEP#AND I ONLY FEEL WELL RESTED AFTER IVE SLEPT LIKE 10+ HOURS#EVEN ON WEEKENDS I SLEEP UNTIL LIKE 2 PM AND I STILL WAKE UP TIRED#I LIVE IN AN ACTUAL LIVING NIGHTMARE IM GOING TO LOSE MY FUCKING JOB BC I CANT SLEEP#CAFFEINE DOESNT HELP NOTHING HELPS ITS JUST GOING TO HAPPEN
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Maturing is putting less and less milk in your coffee
#shower thoughts#assuming you dont put sugar there either#caffeine doesnt work on me so other than flavor i dont have much of a reason to drink it :/ sure theres company too but eh#copper talks
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God i know im your sleepiest eepiest warrior but can i pull an all nighter for this night
#i usually can stay up to 1 am no problem why today of all days im getting eepy at 7 pm#caffeine doesnt work on me....just makes my stomach act up#chixtalks
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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take 2 this post is only for people who experience the wonderful joys of caffeine the rest of you idk sorry i guess
so great tht if you can't provide your own energy there's caffeine
#idk man#why is everyone talkkng abt coffee n caffeine#always gotta confront the coffee doesnt work for me#ok what do you want me to do abt tht#skill issue#idk#cloud nonsense
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idk why, but when I'm under stress I start listening to muscials on repeat. aka, I've listened to Hadestown about 12 times today because it's a fucking BOP!! sing that tragedy, tell how it aint right, it aint natural fuck yeaahhhhhh!!!!
#its a sad songgggg#were gonna sing it agaaaaaaainnnnnn#whoop whoop!!!#hadestown#ive had wayy too much caffeine#but i dont work without my brain not existing anymore and i have yet to find a way that doesnt include creating heartproblems for me#if nobody got redbull and hermes got me!! gimme those wings fuckers!!
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#do people do this. is it a thing. why#the choice is coffee OR tea youre not allowed to have it both ways#like fuck i guess if you want to be caffeinated. but not just use one thing then sure#but the taste???? the taste doesnt bother you??????? the taste??????#i think they also added milk to this . but the heinous tea/coffee combo is whats getting me#also im not talking about any kind of fancy tea or fancy coffee combination that could work.#like say chai tea and espresso. i get that i could understand it#but no this is plain ass lipton tea and plain ass brewed in large quantities drip coffee.
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went to bed way too late because i was up drawing that pink bitch named squid and answering asks ajadiakdbqbslqdbdb im at work now trying desperately to stay awake while transcribing 122 year old diaries written by a guy whose handwriting sucks ass . why do i do this to myself <3
#my eyes are itchy from sleepiness dude#i even joked with my supervisor about my bad habit of staying up until 3 am to draw and then. what do i do#might go home a bit early if this second huge vat of coffee doesnt help#it probably wont. caffeine doesnt work on me the same way it does for other people sadly lol#helps a little bit but . ugh
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im sure drinking 4 energy drinks a day wont have any consequences right guys . right
#3 small ones and a monster today caffeine doesnt even work on me but i keep drinking hoping it will#usually its like. maybe 2#todays been awful tho im sootried
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goddamn i think the reason i keep having trouble sleeping is because i've been eating espresso beans. like handfuls of them. before bed.
#i??? am so stupid sometimes#i think in another life im just like. the friend who solely by the grace of god is still alive#like this shit is stupid but it's not Stupid#tbf to me tho caffeine sometimes works on me sometimes it doesnt#personal
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Chapter 9 of Neither of us were good people. I have. MOST of it down I just. Can't make a coherent ending????
#it is going up today or So Help Me#more caffeine it is godDamn#wait.WAIT.Can i make it weirder#like this fic doesnt need to be any weirder than it already is but.but what if. what IF#I've been working with the flashbacks already can i. can i make the worse#okay brb#if its not online in like 12 hours come yell at me
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god that "morning people are an oppressive class" post annoys me in some way i cant. quite. ugh
#toy txt post#it doesnt feel quite right to me...........#maybe im just a Morning Person. lol. lmao even#idk how much that is true vs in high school i felt very much like a morning person bc#i was taking my adderall with coffee and then it would all wear off right at the end of the day and id crash soooo hard and have like.#anxiety attacks every night and just be generally overstimulated and irritable as hell#which is mostly managed now by me trying to be smarter about caffeine consumption (amount + when) and on a lower dose of adderall#but it does feel like a lot of that shit mentioned would be adequately covered by like. being able to take time off work to go to the#doctor etc. idk#im half joking these days when i ID as a morning person but legally none of you are allowed to get up my ass about it🔪#bc of the nocturnal bullshit i pulled on second shift for like 3yrs after everything around me decided to start closing early after the#pandemic hit even tho theyve re lifted every other miniscule precaution they ever enforced#probably bc no one wants to work night shift at the grocery store for like 12$ an hour. fucking offer better pay idiots#god even when i was a package handler working the super inconvenient hours of 3am-like. 9. 10am(inconvenient my ass that was ideal hours.)#the main reasons ppl left for other jobs: hours suck and they got offered better pay. they cant adjust the hours. so they shouldve#increased the pay to retain. and maybe have more structured start and end times that were less up in the air#like all the drivers leave at 9am so if theres anything left on the truck thatll be for tomorrow. since that fuckin happened anyway. idk.#honestly wouldve been more important to me to have consistent start times cos thats one of the things that pissed me off about that job was#like youd go in and before you left youd have to ask what the start time would be tomorrow cos they kept jumping all over the place by like#15min increments and like its once thing to do it on occasion to try to deal with like Bad Weather but it was like fucking Daily#and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard. but sometimes they wouldnt. and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard#and leave it up there forget to erase it and it would still be there but they told you as you walked out actually its not 4:30 tmrrw its 3#idk. i know the main real reason i miss it is cause it was part time and the day ended at like 9am usually
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#so my partner and i are getting an espresso maker#and we're watching yt videos and like studying it up like we're gonna take a test on the inner workings of the machine#and i cant help but wonder if mike is a real espresso geek in his own house#my guess is yes???#but seeing him with those fucking red bulls makes me wonder if he doesnt care that much and just needs the caffeine#i might literally try to see if i can figure out what machine he has and judge him on his choices lol#no i am not normal about him#hmmm.... dumb question but has he ever addressed it in an interview????
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