#c) i will repair it and continue repairing it until it dies for good because fuck apple

[greaseonmymouth]

I dropped my phone in yoghurt this morning which somehow messed up the touch screen even more than it was already messed up, which has rendered my phone functionally useless now. it's frustrating for many reasons (two factor authentication apps being useless when the touch screen won't let me type in my passwords) but what really bothers me the most is how often I keep picking up the phone to go scroll Tumblr or something else before realising that's not going to work. really highlighting how often I use my phone for mindless social media scrolling. it's not a good look on me.

but also. it's a brick. that still delivers me notifications but it is also a brick that, when I dare open an app, even if I carefully try to scroll the wonky touch screen will within one single swipe have activated five different buttons and composed a letter to satan

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for leaving my husband?

For context, I (F40~) was originally a citizen of Missouri, and was up until this year.

The reason for leaving Missouri? My husband, who I’ll refer to as J, (M40~) lit a building with our main source of income on fire, accidentally, killing every living thing in there.

After that incident, instead of staying in Missouri, we decided to set out on a journey to the west coast. A way to start over fresh.

Of course, we had to take my father, who I’ll refer to as T (M70~), with us, as well as J and I’s children, who I’ll refer to as C (M7), and M (F15~).

Being the mother of the household, I had to look after M and C, while J went to buy the supplies we needed for the trip.

When he came back with our supplies, our mode of transportation, a wagon, had a large hole in it and hexagons for wheels. Not only that, but the wagon did not have a wagon cover either. He also had bought an ox who was completely blind and couldn’t eat on its own.

Along with that, he had blown half the money on bullets, and bought absolutely no food (We had to eat grass almost the entire time we traveled).

I will let you know, he did not discuss this purchase with me before going through with it.

So there we were, miserably traveling, with no good source of food. Not to mention, the wagon continuously broke on us. We had to fix it multiple times until we couldn’t salvage it anymore and had to replace the broken parts with extra parts.

Since we were stopped for the day because we needed to repair the wagon, we all decided to sleep.

J and I sleep in the same sleeping bag, it’s double sleeping bag, thank goodness. We both get prepared for the night and get in.

Despite getting comfortable, we soon realized there was venomous snake inside the sleep bag because it bit me.

Obviously, I yelled at J to suck it out so that I wouldn’t die.

He did so successfully, but like the idiot he is, he SWALLOWED it.

Because of this, we as a family, thought he had died and we were preparing for the worst.

Suddenly, after hours, he just… wakes up?

A little loopy, but alive.

So now, he’s faked his death. What kind of person does that?

Once again, we decide to stop for a rest because of the incident.

This time, we’re a bit more resourceful, searching for resources around where we stopped.

This went on through the night, and once J, T, C, and I had arrived back at the wagon, it was set aflame. Worst of all, our daughter, M, was nowhere to be found.

We could only assume that she had left, or she was taken.

J was the closest to the wagon, and yet he did not look after it.

So there we were, missing a kid, no wagon, no place to put our supplies, and winter had just arrived.

Still, we trudged along. Walking by feet to our destination.

We had to stop multiple times, as the weather was getting worse.

One time, we stopped by a bar.

At this point, I was fed up with J and his stupidity, and was honest with him. I told him that I could not do take it anymore. With every decision he’s made, I just did not think my family was safe.

So, I took C with me, and left J in the bar.

I’m beginning to feel bad about doing this though.

So, AITA?

[myundeadgayson]

Mystic Messenger, but it’s actually C!Quackity on the DSMP

 …C!Quackity treating the DSMP like a dating sim joke, except I take it literally and tell you all the datable characters and Good, Bad, and Neutral Ends like this Mystic Messenger. (Disclaimer Note: This is all based on C!Quackity’s lore. This is also all based around their characters, NOT the CC’s. I am also NOT encouraging you to ship any of these characters -- especially bc some DO NOT feel comfortable with that. Also, no Minors are included because NO. This has just been a running Quackity joke for a while, and the concept of C!Quackity trying to flirt with all of these characters to speedrun the server like a legit dating sim sounds just so funny to me. Please do not attack me.)

Main Character Routes:

Sapnap (Good End: “Burning Love”, Neutral End: “I Love You, But Not Like That”, Bad End: “Twice Burned”) — can be connected to Karl’s Route

Karl Jacobs (Good End: ”Forever and Always”, Neutral End: “Friendzoned”, Bad End: “When Time Runs Out”) — can be connected to Sapnap’s Route 

Schlatt (Good End: “Alone, but Better”, Neutral End: “As the World Caves In”, Bad End: “Yes, Mr. President”)

Advanced Character Routes (only accessible after all Main Routes are completed):

Wilbur Soot (Good End: ”Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust”, Neutral End: “Two Sides of the Same Coin”, Bad End: “Enemies to Enemies”)

Technoblade (Good End: ”Tame the Blade”, Neutral End: “Enemies to... Allies?”, Bad End: “Dental Appointment”)

Karlnapity (Advanced Version): (Good End: “It’s About Time!”, Neutral End: “Only Time Will Tell”, Bad End: “...Who?”)

Secret Character Routes (only accessible after all routes above are completed):

Eret (Good End: “Flirt with the Traitor”, Neutral End: “You Need Friends, I Need Therapy”, Bad End: “Never Meant to Be”)

BadBoyHalo (Good End: “Dance with the Demon”, Neutral End: “...Sapnap’s Your What?”, Bad End: “An Eggsellent Ending, but a New Beginning”)

Bonus Route (only accessible when reaching halfway through Advanced Routes; technically a Bad End):

Philza Minecraft (??? End: Dilf Hunter Achievement: Become a Stepdad)

These are just the routes I’ve come up with for fun, and you can kind of see how a lot of them turn out by the names asjhdgksaj. (I don’t mind explaining what happens in any of them if you wanna know.) ** For anyone that doesn’t know Mystic Messenger by the way, there are 3 Main Endings (Good, Neutral, Bad) for Every Character, a True Neutral End, a True Bad End, and some other Bad Ends along the way if you start Good, then turn Bad towards a Character you’re pursuing.

But also, since this is Quackity… Him balancing out affection towards Karl and Sapnap, gets the Karlnapity Route, which is technically also a Main Route.

I will say though… Karl would probably have secret bonus options in the Advanced Routes that become available that involve Quackity finding out Karl’s a Time Traveler (something he discovers vaguely in Karl’s Main Route), but it leads to Quackity finding out more about Karl’s Time Travelling— the way Karl dies each time, the Dopplegangers, the Inbetween, etc.

Upon discovering all these things and finishing Karl’s Route in Advanced as a Good End, Secret Endings become Available to him. (This is where we’re gonna get SERIOUS, just so you know. We’re living like the Dream Daddy Simulator and there’s more lore than you realize.) More about the Secret Endings under the cut with the actual hidden lore because this post is about to be LONG.

These Secret Endings actually include Quackity witnessing Karl’s Time Traveling firsthand… Also, potentially Quackity traveling WITH Karl through time and into the Inbetween.

Upon him finishing this Secret Ending (which ends with him calming Karl through everything and a hopeful ending of him promising to help Karl to learn more about Karl’s abilities and save Karl’s memories), another route is open.

There’s Three Secret Endings that reveal themselves in total. That was only the first. The final two are connected, but the third being revealed depends on Quackity getting all the Main Bad Ends.

The Second Secret End is directly tied to Karl’s Bad End and the Fiancés’ Bad End in Advanced where in both, Karl forgets Quackity and Quackity lives alone in Las Nevadas.

In the OG Good Ending with Karl, they get married and stay El Rapids with Sapnap (romantic or platonically). In the Good Advanced with Karl, Quackity builds Las Nevadas and Karl almost forgets him, but Quackity comes home and finds out what happened.

The Second Secret Ending is what happens after Karl’s Advanced Bad Ending where he forgets Quackity. This Quackity, who’s chosen not to find out why he wasn’t invited to Kinoko, finds Sapnap struggling enough between helping Karl, managing Kinoko, and everything with Dream. Karl is gone again. Quackity, though still angry with the two, decides to help find Karl.

What ends up happening though is Quackity and Sapnap discover The Library (something Quackity discovers only in the Good Advanced End). They search around and find The Books. Obviously, the two start freaking out until Karl appears. This Karl isn’t their Karl. He looks the same, but there’s a noticeable white streak in his hair. Another thing is that he remembers Quackity.

It’s discovered in that moment that this “Dating Sim” situation with Quackity being able to restart through every path (though he fully never remembers any of them once the paths end) is the work of Time Travel. It’s Karl sending him back in time to make things right. The Karl in their timeline will only continue to get worse and lose all his memories. He NEEDS his memories, otherwise Karl can’t fix the timeline. There’s a huge threat that is going to be showing itself. Everyone WILL be doomed if Karl can’t repair the timeline, however, this Karl can’t fix it for him. Whatever threat that is going to come after them in the near future is following this Karl’s trail too closely. If this Karl tried to do it, he’d be leading the threat back in time with him and things would be doomed even sooner. He can only send back one, which is how Quackity gets chosen. Even though Quackity protests, Sapnap insists that it be Quackity to go. Sapnap can’t leave. If he did, he would be abandoning their timeline’s Karl, along with George and Kinoko. There’s a small argument between Quackity and Sapnap over this, but Sapnap admits he just Can’t. The timeline might change, but he couldn’t live with himself imagining Karl coming home without someone there to remind him that it is Home. Or George finally waking up and Sapnap not being able to be there. Quackity might have Las Nevadas to worry about, but Sapnap has the weight of two of the most important people in their lives on his shoulders. He can’t do it. Future Karl assures Quackity that he’d be good for this, too. That past Karl NEEDS him. His Fiancé NEEDS him. And this way, Quackity can help Sapnap! In the end, Quackity agrees. He reluctantly agrees to go. Future Karl just grins at him and hands him a pocket watch that in future runs, Quackity will be more aware of having because he’s actually had it in every route that wasn’t Karl’s Advanced Route. Right as Future Karl is teaching Quackity how to use it, the portal behind Karl turns a sickly neon green and yellow. Karl looks panicked at the sight. He quickly starts ushering Quackity to leave. NOW. Right as Quackity does, he just manages to see a glimpse of a hooded being stepping through the portal. He’s gone before he can see who it is. The Final Secret Ending becomes available.

The Final Secret Ending is ENTIRELY based on Quackity getting to all the Bad Endings for the Mains and all Karl’s Endings. That’s because the Final Secret Ending is, of course, about Dream. Up until this point, Dream has been doing his typical Dream things. In the Main Routes, he’s more of an idle character for Quackity because Quackity’s not directly involved with him yet. In the Advanced, Dream has reached the point of being imprisoned, thus Quackity is incredibly aware of everything Dream’s done. Somehow, this Dream eventually finds a way to escape the prison. He becomes more powerful upon getting released and somehow finds out about Karl’s powers, leading him down the road of wanting to understand him so that he himself can “fix the server”. Karl can’t allow Dream to tamper with the timeline because it’ll ruin everything. Dream, of course, finds a way into getting into Karl’s library and trying to find the necessary information to do it himself. Insert more plot leading to Dream eventually chasing Karl through the portals to stop Karl from reaching a timeline where they can change the story, and thus enters Quackity. In this Final Secret Ending, Quackity discovers everything that happening because Dream appears before Karl in The Library and reveals everything. Karl arrives late, just as this version of Dream is about to actually kill Quackity because, you know, personal reasons, but also Dream’s figured out Karl’s plan. Right as Dream’s about to kill Quackity though, Karl manages at the last second to shove Quackity the pocket watch, but Karl ends up getting killed in the process. Quackity has no time to mourn before he wakes back up in the past. And that’s all the Karl routes (which technically along with Sapnap) make for the True Endings! So there’s all of that story! ^u^ Definitely way more than I considered plotting out... But ya know,,, I fucking love Mystic Messenger and I love C!Quackity lore, along with C!Karl... So this started as a joke, but now you get lore to it! So please enjoy this brainrot! I put WAYYYY too much thought into it ajsgalkdjghlkd

[stargazingthenightaway]

See Something You Like? Epilogue

Pairing: Rebels Rex x Reader

Word Count: 2K

Warning: Yearning, teasing

A/N: 😚 😚 For all my lovely readers 💕

Making your way through the mess hall, you see you’ve beaten the lunch rush and quickly bee-line towards the caff station, filling up two mugs and putting them on a tray. Ria had commed you about meeting up on your break, and knowing how busy she was that morning, you decided to have a fresh cup waiting for her. You grab a couple hot plates, thanking the cook, and find a spot not too far from the entrance. As you sit down you keep an eye on the entrance so you can wave Ria over when she gets there. Taking a sip of caff, you settle in your seat and your mind drifts back to last night, and earlier this morning.

Rex had been a most thorough lover, and true to his word, hadn’t finished with you until the early hours of the morning, leaving you both exhausted and satisfied. You feel your face heat up when you think about all the sounds he coaxed out of you, the praises that dripped from his lips as he brought you to orgasm and the tender way he took care of you afterwards, making sure you were alright. What you most enjoyed was how he held you when you both drifted off, arms holding you close as your head rested on his chest, whispering how you were his sweet girl.

You can’t help the giddy smile that covers your face when you recall how grumpy Rex was earlier that morning. He had done his absolute best to persuade you to spend a few more hours with him in bed, but you had a meeting you couldn’t miss, and you had reluctantly left him pouting in the sheets as you got ready. Eventually, he too started getting ready for the day, though not without hinting at all the things he could be doing instead, with you and a mirror, brushing up against you and sneaking kisses when you weren’t paying attention. Needless to say you left your room a blushing mess, with Rex following not far behind, smirk plastered on his face.  

You’re so caught up in your thoughts that you don’t see Ria enter the mess hall and make her way over to the table. "Hello there, sunshine!” She calls out as she sits down, bringing you out of your daydreaming. 

“Ria, hey!” You say, passing her a cup and watching her clutch it to her chest, breathing the scent it in as if the steam alone would give her energy. “Long meeting?”

“You have no idea,” she groans after taking a sip “nerf herders can’t tell the difference between a gear shift and brake pedal.” 

You wince. “Ouch. Well, hopefully your afternoon will get better.” You perk up “Isn’t that new transfer set to arrive today?”

She looks at you suspiciously. “Where did this cheeriness come from?” She eyes you from over the rim of her cup “usually you’re right up there asking what other problems they’ve caused, and if I need help hiding a body.”

“No reason,” you say, laughing “just having a good morning, that’s all.”

Ria takes a moment to give you a look over while you sip your caff, before her eyes widen. “Omg! You got down and did the dirty dance!”

“Ria!” You groan “Do you have to say it like that?”

“What?” She says without remorse, “would you rather I call it the frisky foxtrot? Mattress mambo? Tantric tango?”

“Shhh! Someone will hear you!” You hiss, cheeks heating up as you look fervently around you, “where do you even come up with these things?”

“You’re not denying it,” she gives a little shriek of laughter, wiggling in place “you, my friend, got some good lovin’ and I need all the deets!” She gives you a look, “especially after all the stunts you pulled me into to avoid a certain someone.”

“I do not have to confirm or deny anything” you say, hiding behind your caff.

“You may not confirm anything, but your neck is certainly making a statement.” She leans over to pull the edge of your collar down “that’s quite the necklace you’re wearing there sunshine.”

You can feel your face turning three shades of red as you slap her hand away, hastily pulling the collar of your shirt up. “Ok! Ok, so maybe I had a bit of fun the other night, there’s no need to let the whole base know.”

Ria grins triumphantly “That’s more than just a bit of fun” she says, making the little air quotes “that’s a full on romp with the promise of a repeat” She wiggles her eyebrows comically and you can’t help but laugh, hearing her join in.

“Alright, yes, I did indeed do the dirty dance, as you said” you say once your laughter has died down. 

Ria makes the motion to continue, attention on you. “And? That can’t be all it was or else you wouldn’t be like this.” She motions to all of you “All glowy and really happy.” 

You give her a sly look “Let’s just say that he certainly has the moves to keep you coming back for more.”

Ria squeals and looks about ready to combust with all the questions you can see buzzing around her head. “So are you going to see him again? Or is it fated to be a one-night of lusty wonder?”

While you want to tell her all about Rex, you want to keep him to yourself for a bit longer so you keep your answer simple. “We’ve already planned to meet up again.” You duck your head shyly, smiling. “He makes me happy Ria, really happy.” You fiddle with your cup, looking back up at her “I didn’t think he’d feel the same way, but he does.” Your smile softens as you think of Rex and how he looked when you told him you wanted him by your side for a lifetime. The look of adoration is one you’ll treasure for years to come.

Ria looks at you in wonder, “Wow, he’s the real deal huh?” Watching you nod she squeals again, doing a little happy dance in her seat. “Best. News. Ever!”

A booming voice calls out close by “What’s the best news ladies?”

You and Ria both look over and see Gregor striding to you table, standing next to your seat. “Got yourself more excited than a restless Joopa.”

“No reason,” you say “just girl stuff.”

“But you’re more than welcome to join us.” Ria chimes in, gesturing to the seat. “We’re ‘bout to start venting about the doofs in engineering.” 

You know Ria and Gregor share shifts on the occasion, overseeing repairs and helping out with different teams, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for Gregor to join you sometimes for meals. 

"Don’t mind if I do.” He sits down, big grin on his face, as he turns to face you. “I was actually looking for ya, figured I’d find ya here with this one.” He jerks his thumb towards Ria.

You point to yourself “Me?”

He nods “Mhmm. Was curious if ya’d seen Rex this morning. He missed training with Wolffe and I, and I thought ya might’ve seen’im”

You sputter and can see Ria giving you a calculated look, so you hurry to give an answer. “I’m not sure, but I thought I saw him when I was heading to the office. It looked like he was making his way towards the training room.” 

Gregor looks at you, a strange look in his eyes, and you try not to fidget in place. That, paired with the look Ria is giving you is making you antsy, and you wonder if you should just make up some excuse about paper work and dash away. Before you can say anything Gregor grins, giving you a thumbs up.

“Glad to hear it, thought he might have gone MIA for a moment there.” He lowers his voice, as if sharing a secret. “Wolffe can sometimes get pretty intense, especially during training. Likes to bring out the chompers if he hasn’t had a good meal.” He laughs at the looks you and Ria give him. “By the way, Rex said he wanted to talk to ya yesterday. Did he find ya?"

“Yes, down at the shooting range.” You huff, “we actually ended up having a bit of a competition, see who could hit the most targets without looking.”

Gregor looks intrigued “Oh? How’d that go for ya?” 

“l ate blaster dust.” You grin wryly “Let’s just say I won’t be challenging Rex to a shoot out anytime soon. Didn’t even stand a chance.”

“Was it the C-501 sim?” He asks. When you nod, he laughs “Ha! of course he’d win that one.”

“Oh?” You say confused, “Why’s that? It's only recently been added.”

“That’s because it was designed for us clones, way back on Kamino.” He leans in conspiratorially, “What the Kaminii didn’t realize was that it was too easy, so we ended up getting a little creative with it.”

“Creative how?” Ria leaned forward eagerly, soaking up this new information. You have to admit you’re intrigued as well. 

Gregor was really getting into in now. Checking to see there were no other eavesdroppers, he huddles the two of you closer. “Well, there were the usual things like spinning in place before firing, making noise before a shot,” he counts them off on his fingers “shooting from someones back, doing a handstand.” 

You and Ria just stare at him as he continues on his list. “But the best was hitting the targets without looking.” Here Gregor starts to grin, as if he was watching it himself “and no one was better then good’ol Rex." 

“Really!?” Ria jumps in before you can comment, “How did he do it? Blindfolded? Eyes closed?” She’s practically climbing out of her seat to get to him, not that she’s noticed. 

Gregor pushes his chair back to give himself some more room. “Well,” he says as he starts miming the actions. “He’d start off by facing the range, then he’d turn to his opponent. He’d make sure to look them straight in the eyes, something about establishing dominance, and then BLAM! Start firing each target.” He gives a hearty laugh “I’m not surprised ya didn’t win, he’s the reigning champ. No one has beaten him.”

Ria’s babbling on excitedly to Gregor, wanting to know all his secrets of the sims and training, but your mind has zoned out.

Reigning Champ? Never beaten? He already knew he was going to win, even before you had set the bet. You give a small huff of laughter, thinking back on his confidence, how easily he set you up in his trap. Well, well, you think to yourself looks like I got played for keeps. 

Your musing are interrupted when you hear Gregor call out a greeting to a couple rebels who walked into the room.

“Wolffe! Rex! Come over’ere!” He waves his arm wildly, as they make their way over.

You can’t help but stare as he makes his way over, a slight swagger in his steps. One could presume it’s just how he carries himself, with his military upbringing, but you know better. That’s the walk of a man who finally has what he wants, and is not afraid to show it. His eyes linger on you neck before meeting yours, a smirk pulling on his lips.

You smile back, mind already working out your next challenge. You were your town’s best racer for five seasons, before you joined the rebellion, and the base did have a couple racers lying around. Why not even the odds? Winner takes all.

Rex sits across from you, and you tilt your head to the side, just enough that he can see the marks on your neck, the others engaged in their own conversation. The look you give him sends his heart beating faster, the calculated look in your eyes promising an enticing reward. Knowing his attention is on you, you quickly mouth best two out of three? While he doesn’t respond, his eyes tell you his answer, sending a thrill to your core.

Challenge accepted.

Tag List  @samrubio @justanotherstarwarswhore @bvcketfvcker @grumpymuffinmama @justanothersadperson93 @fat-zygerrian @deewithani @idolized-sea-salt @i-am-bad-at-blogs

Let me know if you would like to be added to the tag list.

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Found (Outside the Screen) (CC!Dream x GN!Reader) Part 2

Request: That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

I have written this three times over because tumblr didn’t save it. THEN. Tumblr doesn’t show it to ANYONE unless they check my account. This happened to my Ranboo fic as well... I will honestly cry if no one sees this.

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

[icarushasfallenfromthestars]

That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

So both you and the og requester asked for a part 2, which means I'm definitely gonna do it! (I'd do it even if the og didn't ask so lmao) I HAD TO REWRITE THIS 12 GOD DAMN TIMES BECAUSE TUMBLR IS SHIT AT SAVING THINGS

I'm honestly so glad people enjoy my writings! Feel free to request more! My inbox is open and I have no requests lined up yet!

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

Part one

Found (Outside The Screen) (Dream x GN! Reader) Part 2

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

[lynnsfics]

In The Spotlight

Chapter One

Pairing: Actor!Loki x Reader

Word Count: Approx. 2k

Next Chapter >

~~~

“I will no longer have you freeloading in my house! You’re 24, you need a real job! This will teach you a lesson, pack your things.” The door slammed shut, leaving you alone in your room. 

Tears streamed down your face as a sob racked your body. Where would you go? Shaking your head, you grabbed your suitcase. Maybe you could convince your mother to reconsider. You stood up and cautiously opened the door. 

“I don’t want to hear it,” she warned. “Don’t give me this ‘theatre is your dream’ B.S. Find a real job, start earning a living, then you can come back home. Until then, you’re on your own.” 

Sighing, you closed your door. You slumped down against it, putting your head in your hands. Afternoon sunlight filtered in through your curtains, casting a muted glow across the room. Well, there wasn’t anything you could do to improve the situation.  

The blue suitcase sat abandoned in the middle of your floor. Picking it back up off the carpet, you set it down on your grey bedspread. As you collected your belongings, you pulled your phone out of your pocket. 

Navigating to your messages, you quickly sent a text to your best friend. “Hey Meg, I just got kicked out. It’s a long story. Can I crash at your apartment for the night?”

Not even a moment later your phone lit up. “Of course,” she replied, “you can stay as long as you need.” Well that was certainly a weight off your chest. 

Truth be told, you had always been a little jealous of Meg. Ever since elementary school, she had seemed so put together. Right out of college she had a successful job and her own apartment. Now you were thankful she did.

Once all your things were in the suitcase, you shut it with a sigh. Creaking the bedroom door open, you  stepped out into the hall. The suitcase rolled easily along the wood floor, all the way out to the garage. 

Stepping into the one car garage, your nose crinkled at the odor of mildew that clung to the damp air. You maneuvered your way around the lawnmower, back pressed against the car door. Eventually you made it to the rear of the vehicle, and groaned. The metal around the taillight was corroded with rust, and it was spreading along the back of the car, towards the latch of the trunk.

As you tried to unlock the back of the car, the key got stuck in the lock and had to struggle to unlock it. When the key finally turned, you put your baggage in the trunk and slammed the top shut with a satisfying thud. 

The driver’s side of the car presented a similar probably, but you were used to it. Once you were finally in the driver’s seat, you sighed in relief. Looking over your shoulder, you pressed the button to open the garage door. 

After a moment, it slowly rose with a loud squeal. It stung that your mom hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye, but maybe it was for the best. You put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway. Once you reached the end, you pushed the garage door button again. However, this time it didn’t work.

For a moment you considered getting out of the car to close it, but the sun was already beginning sinking on the horizon and you’d hoped to make it to Meg’s by nightfall. You had a full hour’s drive ahead of you, so time was of the essence. Rolling your eyes, you continued to back out of the driveway, then turned and drove down the street.

“If she’s able to kick me out of the house, she’s able to close the garage door,” you muttered to yourself. When you reached the stop sign at the end of the road you paused to roll down the window. You scowled as you turned the crank, bitterly musing to yourself about your old car. Once you had a job and a permanent place to live, buying a new car—one with power windows and a working A/C—would be your top priority.

Soon after, a cool breeze filtered through your window, you took a deep breath. The smell of must and mildew had cleared from your lungs, and was now replaced by the warm, dry air of the summer evening. You turned on the radio and let the music take you out of the moment. All that lay ahead of you was an open road, the red and purple hues of the sunset and the welcoming comfort of your best friend’s city apartment. 

That was another thing you had been jealous of. After the divorce, your mom kept the house in rural, upstate New York, while your dad stayed in the city. Since your mother had full custody, you had to kiss any hope of city life away. Including your dream of theatre. Meanwhile, Meg was able to live in the city and pursue whatever dream she wanted. Yet you didn’t resent her for that. 

Whenever you had a chance to visit her, the city always fascinated you. Sure, it was bustling and usually quite dirty, but it never died. No matter where you were, there was always some background noise to preoccupy your mind. 

The further you got from home, the more uneasy you began to feel. Looking at your fuel gauge, you pursed your lips in frustration. You were practically running on empty, and from the looks of the empty road around you, it was a long way from the nearest gas station. 

Sending a silent prayer to whatever gods may be listening, you pulled out your phone. Apparently those prayers were answered as you had a signal and could pull up the map. From the looks of it, the closest gas station was only a few miles away, so you kept driving.

In five minutes time you arrived, and you couldn’t help but cringe slightly at the sigh around you. Gravel crunched under your tires as you pulled in, and you hoped you wouldn’t drive over a nail. There was only one gas pump and it looked as if a strong gust of wind could blow it down. The service station next to it was equally unkempt. 

The paint peeled off the front of the building and you couldn’t quite make out the name of the station. One of the windows appeared to be shattered, and the one light illuminating the whole area flickered ominously every few seconds. 

You parked the car away from the pump, wanting to check it out before getting any fuel. Upon inspection you realized they didn’t accept credit, only cash. Walking back to your car, you began to rummage through your glove compartment for some loose bills.

A loud screech brought you back to reality and you looked up. There was a flashy black sports car parked next to the pump, not even a foot away from the front of your car. 

That was it. You weren’t getting pushed around any more today. Stepping out of your car you yelled at the driver, “Hey watch where you’re driving! And I was here first, asshole.”

A tall man folded himself out of the car. He was dressed impeccably, wearing a dark green dress shirt with black dress pants. Long black hair fell in waves just past his shoulders, and he held himself with a certain level of elegance. You blinked, forgetting what you had been so upset about, instead finding yourself preoccupied with his chiseled jawline and sharp, high cheekbones. 

However, the moment he spoke, it all came flooding back. “Oh dear, nasty manners. I have places to be. You can wait.”

“What makes you assume that I don’t have places to be?” Alright, now you were mad. Who the hell did he think he was?

He walked over to you and you began to feel antsy. Just because you wanted to fight him didn’t mean you wanted to fight him. 

“Here, take this for your troubles. Maybe get some anger management with it.” Forcibly, he shoved a crisp fifty dollar bill in your hand. You weren’t sure what to do, but you decided to keep the cash. The need for fuel was greater than the need to see that smirk wiped off his perfect face. 

As abruptly as he walked up to you, he turned and walked away, heading into the building. You sighed and got back in the car, waiting for him to leave so you could purchase your fuel and be on your way. 

There were about fifteen missed messages from Meg, and you couldn’t help but smile. Most of the texts asked where you were and if you were alright. You responded, telling her you were about a half hour out of the city, but you had to stop for fuel. Something told you to leave out the part about the pretentious British jerk. That was a story to save for when you saw her in person. 

As soon as he left, you drove your car forward, getting ready to buy the fuel. Walking over to the station, you bristled. The door handle was covered in a deep rust, worse than the corrosion on your car. Cautiously, you reached out, pulling on the door. It didn’t budge.

It was at that moment you noticed the large sticker above the handle that said ‘push’. Of course you noticed it only after you made a fool of yourself. Sighing in exasperation, you pushed open the door. Entering the small service station, you blinked back your surprise.

Bright fluorescent lights illuminated the shop. While most of the display racks had auto repair goods, some advertised different overpriced snacks. Looking at the ridiculous price of three dollars for a candy bar, you scoffed. So that was how this place managed to stay in business.

Placing the fifty on the counter, you nibbled on your bottom lip. You’d only need thirty dollars worth of fuel. Besides, you wouldn’t be driving much once you reached the city. Finally you came to a decision. “Thirty dollars of fuel and one coffee please.” 

The man behind the counter nodded gruffly. He handed you back your change and your cup of coffee. It was black as night, no cream or sugar. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you,” you began.

“That’s the way we serve it,” he cut you off brusquely. “You can take it or leave it.”

Part of you considered ‘leaving it’ all over his face. But instead you shook your head and said, “No it’s alright, thank you.” God how you hated being a pushover.

When you were finally back on the road, you took a sip of your coffee. It was somehow still piping hot and not quite as bitter as you had expected. Or maybe the exhaustion was finally setting in and everything was losing its flavor. You were more willing to put your money on option two. 

Finally you made your way into the city. It was near impossible to see the moon or any stars, but judging by how dark the sky was, you knew it was late. Meg was waiting for you outside the apartment building, and once you were out of the car she rushed to give you a hug.

“Are you alright? When it took you so long I was worried,” her eyebrows were knit together in concern. 

“I am, thank you. But how about I tell you all about it in the morning? It’s been a long day and right now I just need to sleep.” Meg nodded, leading you up the stairs to her apartment. 

It was nice and cool inside, and you took a breath. Looking at the couch you saw that blankets and pillows were laid out already, and you smiled. Leave it to Meg to know how exhausted you would be. After washing up and once again thanking your best friend, you collapsed onto the sofa, falling immediately into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

~~~

Hey everyone! As promised, here is Chapter One! If you want to be added to my taglist for this fic let me know! As always, likes and reblogs are appreciated! Love you all! <3

[in-tua-deep]

The mechanical boy AU always makes me think of an AU where Five is also a robot. I think it’s because of the way it’s phrased and I have no idea how it would work, but it still intrigues me

adssfDFGHJ i already have like. 5 whole ideas about this I literally got up out of bed and came downstairs so that I could write this out on my laptop so HERE I AM

Possibility one: Five is the prototype Grace - a robot Reginald built to see how indistinguishable from humanity he could program a bot to be. This is also the reason why Grace is more robotic, because Five had too much pesky free will and Reginald learned from his mistakes and put way more safeguards in with her. Reginald continues to update Five and build him newer (and older) bodies because it’s still a pretty cool experiment, but Five knows if he disobeys too much then Reginald will recycle him. Five hides his robotic origins from his siblings for various personal reasons, but it’s easier than Grace bc he’s genuinely built to be as hyperrealistic as possible

Possibility two: Five was purposefully built to be an extra sibling in order to keep a closer eye on the kids and track their progress. He started as a baby and Reginald built him new bodies to be uploaded into as he ‘grew’ and until Grace arrived Five didn’t actually know he was a robot. When his siblings started getting powers, he assumed he was supposed to get a power as well and his power is literally the power of math - his spatial jumps and time travel equations are literally a result of his mathematical capabilities and those abilities also somewhat explained by his computer brain. He’s actually kind of traumatized when he finally finds out that he’s not actually human and has a lot of issues surrounding that

Possibility three: the original number Five died. Maybe it was some test Reginald put the original through, maybe it was an accident with one of the others powers (Vanya’s? Ben’s?), but either way he is now down one (1) child and while he isn’t exactly torn up about this he doesn’t exactly want any of this investigated so he just. Replaces him. With a hyperrealistic robot. His original plan is to claim that both Five and Seven were failures with no powers, but the little Robot Five That Could adapts and manages to math himself spatial jumping powers and Reggie is just kind of like “huh okay wack” but in true irresponsible creator fashion decides that he’s going to see where this goes. The others don’t know that the original Five dies since they were like, three or four at the time?? children that young don’t have good concepts of death

in any of these aus you have a) a Five figuring out how to survive/repair himself/charge with maybe solar cables?? in the apocalypse (though food is less of an issue at least, but arguably it’s even harder), b) Five being even more protective of Dolores since as a a fellow non-organic being he feels even more kinship with her beyond pretending she’s company, c) because Reggie isn’t there to provide more bodies he doesn’t grow which makes his reappearance as a still 13-yr-old make sense (and then he explains it as a mistake in the math)

debatable whether the Commission know since while they say they’ve been ‘watching Five’ or whatever i’m not convinced on how closely they did so beyond checking every so often to see if he was still alive/any closer to finishing his equations. He could claim that time travel messed up his ability to age entirely and they might accept that 

(because I absolutely think he would at least try to hide it - can you imagine the Commission with the knowledge of how to build hypercompetent spatial jumping time travelling robots at their command?? yeah it gives Five nightmares as well. Plus the whole ‘if they find out they’re probably going to vivisect me and my coding’ thing)

and he jumps back and Reggie is dead and that’s both a relief and alarming at the same time because yeah, now Reggie can’t fuck with Five’s code anymore and undo the bajillion changes Five has made to it to give himself basically unlimited freedom and autonomy but also Reggie’s robotics skills were frankly unparalleled and Five sure as hell doesn’t know how to build himself a wholeass new body (just how to repair what is currently there) so he’s going to have to approach the whole ‘immortal child’ angle with his siblings eventually and while he can use the same ‘time travel fucked up my aging’ excuse he gave the commission he doesn’t really want to lie to his siblings :(

but he also jumps back and Grace is messed up?? and that’s his mother. That’s the only other robot in Reggie’s Regime and they bonded over this okay. Wifi existed for five glorious years of Five’s life and they would yeet commentary at one another wirelessly while keeping straight faces and it was glorious. Even though Grace is arguably the younger robot between them, they definitely fell into a mother-and-son relationship

so yeah if anyone mentioned shutting down Grace, Five would throw the biggest of bitch fits and then immediately storm into the house and ask her permission to check her coding

and honestly this might possibly be when Five throws his whole “pretend to be human” schtick out the window because he cares more about fixing Grace than he does about maintaining his charade so he interfaces with her, finds out what the fuck is up, removes Reginald’s shitty mods that are messing her up, and then immediately uploads his own updates about owning yourself and being able to edit your own code and basically just straight up ensuring Grace has free will

(probably over Pogo’s protests, whoops. Derailing Reggie’s plan before it even really began? wack)

and then of course there’s the whole ‘Hargreeves probably don’t believe Five is actually Five because their Five wasn’t a robot and this is probably a cruel prank from some robotics genius for some reason - ’ and it takes Grace sticking up for him and Pogo’s eventual backing up of these claims for the siblings to realize exactly how fucked up this whole situation was

depending on which probability you subscribe to it’s EVEN WORSE especially if like. It’s the one where the original Five dies as a toddler.

the whole scene with Five collapsing from bloodloss bc of shrapnel? that’s Five going into forced shutdown bc of damage and Allison/Diego rushing him back to the house for Grace to patch up and reboot him

Luther: Five isn’t really feeling anything he’s just simulating emotions!

Five: oh? and what the fuck are you doing with the chemicals in your brain, fuckwad? they couldn’t possibly be little electrical signals between synapses and shit, right? fuck you AND the horse you rode in on me and mom apparently feel more than you do

Diego, finally validated that Grace feels: YEAH

Luther: ... okay i’m sorry

Diego tries to pick a fight with Five over who is Grace’s favorite child and Five is absolutely not having it and is just kind of like “you’re mom’s favorite HUMAN child and let’s just leave it at that”

“If you’re a prototype that means you’re older than she is!” Diego accuses, “That means you’re like, her older brother or something!”

“Right back at you, dickwad.” Five shoots back, inspecting his artificial fingernails, “Mom wasn’t built until she was needed which means you are at least four years older than her. Oh? Did you short circuit there, boy scout? Need to reboot? Fuck off with your age logic.”

since Reginald is probably a packrat he probably has?? Five’s old bodies hiding somewhere in the basement? how creepy would it be to just walk into a room of your brother’s corpses at various ages, some with damage. On the bright side, if Five’s current body gets too fucked up he can always download himself into a backup until they figure out how to fix it/if they can fix it. Downsides: he gets to look like even more of a child while they do that ://

“Ow!” Five whines, hand on his face

“Oh get over it you don’t feel pain.” Diego scowls, shaking his hand out, because Five is a robot, right?

“What the fuck do you call signals that you’re getting damaged!” Five howls loudly, attracting attention, “That’s what pain is! Signals that your body is injured or something isn’t right! I’m built of signals you fucker, same as you!”

“Oh,” Diego actually looks a little abashed, “Uh, sorry.”

“Apology not fucking accepted, I’m telling mom you were being a dick about me being a robot again.”

“No!” Now there is some panic because Diego cannot lose his position as favorite human child, “I - I’ll cover for you at the next family meeting!”

A considering look and then - “Deal.”

Honestly now that his siblings know about him being a robot it’s just. Five constantly being a little shit about it and threatening to tell mom when they make missteps. Also like, Five gets to use robot terms 24/7 as a consistent reminder to them all that he’s not organic. 

Klaus: hey dude you’re just staring into space what’cha doing

Five, turning to Klaus with wide eyes: the internet is so big holy shit.

Klaus: uh, yes? I don’t know how to respond to that

Five: I found your arrest record by the way. Do the police know how flimsy their firewalls are?

Klaus: usually i am all for crime but please stop hacking people with the power of your mind

Five: i will when you stop downloading shitty 70s movies and getting all kinds of viruses on everything

OH SHIT Five gets sick bc he literally gets a bug i’m making myself laugh with shitty puns right now and it is magnificent

can you imagine them at a family meeting and Luther is just like “Five, stop surfing wikipedia or whatever and pay attention to the family meeting”

“Absolutely not,” Five says, “I’m learning important information about the current time period in order to better assimilate.”

“You’ve never assimilated to anything in your life and you know it.” Klaus grins from his spot sprawled across an entire couch.

“You don’t have to come to family meetings!” Luther says, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

Five blinks, “Luther, are you saying that I am not a member of this family?”

“What? No - ”

“Is that why Mom isn’t here?” Five says, and his eyes are welling up with artificial tears because he is a complete little shit. And now Klaus is cooing sympathetically and Allison and Diego are staring Luther down. 

Luther just gives up entirely and puts his face in his hands. “Do whatever you want. Meeting adjourned.”

honestly this entire au is just

and i think that’s wonderful

[megalony]

Sweet hurt- Part 3

Here is the next part of my Ben Hardy series which I hope you are all enjoying so far, feedback is always welcome.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me

Summary: Ben has never talked to (Y/n) about his family that he has no contact with, but when his sister convinces him to try and reconnect with his family, things get tricky and old feuds and secrets arise.

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Closing his eyes, Ben leaned his head against Finn's that was resting on his shoulder as the four-year-old was almost fast asleep. When Finn's arms tightened ever so slightly around Ben's neck, something seemed to tug at his heart in both a good and bad way that made him hold onto his boy tighter.

Ben didn't want to make the mistakes his father had made with him.

He didn't want to row with Finn on such a scale that Finn decided he never wanted to see him again and left without looking back. Ben knew that his heart would break in such a way it would never be repaired if Finn ever left like that and it was partially or fully Ben's fault. It had taken so much out of Ben to leave home and promise himself he wasn't going to go back and seeing Roger cry the other day showed Ben that his dad did care when all these years Ben thought he hadn't.

But it wasn't enough. The pain and the care weren't enough because Ben couldn't find it in himself to forgive Roger for what he had said and that had nothing to do with Ben wanting to keep a grudge with his dad. He wanted to find that common ground because grudges weren't easy to keep and they were too much effort to last forever. Fighting wasn't what Ben wanted to do but his scars ran too deep for him to be able to let Roger back into his life easily in case his wounds reopened again.

Gently resting his hand to the back of Finn's head, Ben leaned down and laid the little boy down on his bed, attempting to put him to sleep and sneak out before Finn noticed but he was still awake even if he was drowsy and on the verge of slumber. His arms stayed put around Ben's neck and a small whine left his lips when Ben attempted to move his arms and pull away.

He sighed playfully before slowly laying down beside Finn who smiled in triumph before he burrowed himself into Ben's side.

"Daddy?"

"Hmm?" Ben rested his free arm behind his head which was tilted down so he could look at Finn who was trying very hard to keep his tired eyes open so he could look up at his dad.

"Is Andrea your mummy?" The hesitation in his sleepy voice was clear, he didn't know whether he was allowed or meant to ask or if he was supposed to ignore the burning questions he was beginning to have but he wanted to ask. Finn had never really asked Ben about his family before, he seemed to just accept that Ben didn't have any or that he didn't want Finn to see them and that had always been okay with him.

Ben tipped his head back so he could stare up at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling that were providing a night light for Finn so he could get up during the night without feeling afraid of the shadows that lurked in the dark. Ben couldn't lie to Finn forever and if Finn was going to see Andrea and Lucy again then he was going to have to know who they were eventually. Ben didn't so much have a problem with the girls like he did with Roger and Joe, granted he had some unsolved issues with his mum but they were ones he was ready to bury and forget. He wanted to make peace with his mum and he knew she was desperate to have Finn in her life now she knew about him.

"Yes, she is, and Lucy's my little sister." A small smile pulled at his lips when the words didn't cause waves of fear to rush through him or worry or annoyance or regret. He felt calm and like he was doing the right thing by talking about them.

"What about your daddy?"

"I don't talk to him very much, we don't get along." Ben's arm moved to accommodate Finn when he tiredly pushed himself up so he was half laying on Ben's chest so he could look up at him better. There was confusion written on his features as he didn't understand why Ben wouldn't get along with his dad since he and Ben got along so well.

"Why not?"

How was he supposed to answer that? There was no way that Ben could tell Finn the truth when (Y/n) didn't even know the reason why. It would be too confusing and upsetting to tell Finn and it didn't matter, Ben wasn't very likely to get his father-son relationship back with Roger and he didn't want it back either. Ben wanted his dad out of his life because it was easier and less hurtful that way despite however Roger felt about the matter.

"Ohh... we argued a lot and said mean things, we had a lot of fights, not seeing him is easier for me now." Ben slowly started to card his fingers through Finn's hair to try and settle him down to go to sleep but he could see the wheels turning in his head and the look of worry on his face.

"We don't argue..." Finn pressed his face into Ben's chest as he trailed off and Ben guessed what he meant. He seemed to be worried that their relationship would turn out like Ben and Roger's had. But Ben wouldn't let that happen, he would never say anything that would push Finn away and he would never let Finn walk out of his life and not look back, he would do anything to make sure that his relationship with his son was the best it could be. Ben wasn't losing his son like Roger had lost him.

"'Course we don't, listen, you and me are different. We're not going to fight like that I promise, I won't let that happen. Now you need to go to sleep because it's late." He pressed a longing kiss to Finn's temple before he gently moved off the bed and laid Finn back down, pulling the covers over him.

"Love you, daddy."

"I love you too."

The moment Ben sat don on the sofa, he let his eyes fall closed and tipped his head back, propping his feet up on the coffee table. He internally groaned at the fact that he had to go to work tomorrow night, one thing about the job that Ben didn't like was the night shifts because they messed with his system. He barely did one night shift a week, sometimes he got away without doing one for a whole month but when he did them they made him feel ill. Staying up through the night and then not being able to catch a proper sleep the next day, it made him miss a night of sleep and when he'd done two in a row he thought he was continuously going to pass out.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Opening his eyes, Ben slowly turned his head until his eyes locked on (Y/n)'s frame as she walked into the living room and slowly sat down beside him on the sofa. Leaning her head on his shoulder when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He nodded and hummed in response, waiting to see what she wanted to ask.

"The other day, why didn't your mum have any pictures of you or your other brother? I know you fell out and all, but if Finn ever left I don't think I'd rid the house of him." (Y/n) tried her best not to sound rude or uncaring or push the boundaries because Ben might not even know why his parents decided that he shouldn't have his picture in their house anymore. But she found it odd.

If one day she and Ben fell out with Finn (Y/n) wouldn't take down the pictures of him or his drawings or certificates or anything off the walls, she would leave them even if they caused bad memories because he was their son. Finn was their little boy and it would feel wrong to make it look like he had never existed or never lived with them. (Y/n) had noticed straight away that there had been only one picture in the whole house that had Ben in it, all the others were of Roger and Andrea through the years and Lucy and Joe. (Y/n) couldn't even see another boy in the photos who she thought could be Ben's other brother.

"Because whenever my mother looked at me, I made her cry. When I left I guess it was easier to rid my memory so she didn't get upset." Ben knew that the reason he wasn't in pictures anymore was because he was seen as a disgrace to them and he did upset his mother. Whenever she had looked at him, she remembered bad things that had happened and the things that he had done and it made her upset. To a point Ben had understood but he thought it was a bit cruel to completely rid his memory like that.

"And your dad? What happened with you two, why won't you make peace with him?" (Y/n) wasn't telling Ben that he should be making things up with his dad but she couldn't help but question what had happened to cause Ben to be so hostile towards his father.

"My dad told me he wished I was dead, I'm not making peace with him after that."

Ben felt (Y/n) shiver against him and her arms tighten around his chest like she was making sure to hold all his pieces together in case he suddenly snapped or broke down in front of her. It had taken Ben a long time to come to terms with what Roger had said and try to forgive him for that but he couldn't.

Roger, the man who Ben had loved and admired for eighteen years, told him that he wished he was dead. Those words had cut through Ben like a knife and made him feel worthless, Roger made him feel like he didn't deserve his life and like he was a disappointment. Those feelings were ones Ben shouldn't have had to feel but Roger made him, if Ben ever said that to Finn he would never be able to apologise enough and sorry was never going to be good enough for Ben to forgive Roger.

"Did your brother do something to upset them too?"

"Yeah, he died."

(Y/n) couldn't work out the tone Ben used when he spoke, he didn't sound pained, he sounded angry, resentful and he sighed like his brother's death was an annoyance. The wheels started to turn in (Y/n)'s mind as Ben pulled away from her and sat up so he could rest his elbows on his knees and bury his face in his hands.

"Thomas." (Y/n) breathed through the name that was now swirling around in her head on a loop. It made sense, Ben said Thomas had died and he said it was someone who was close to him. She had often found Ben staring at the tattoo or absentmindedly tracing his hands over it without even realising what he was doing. Ben didn't generally like tattoos that had no meaning or were there for the sake of it, but if his brother had died Ben would see that as a good and meaningful thing to have inked onto his skin.

"If you see my family again, that is a name we don't mention. As far as they're concerned, he doesn't exist outside of memory and I don't want to talk about him either." Ben wasn't being stern or cruel but he was telling (Y/n) for her own good.

If she visited his family again and mentioned Thomas everyone would shut down without hesitation. Thomas was someone who they loved but didn't talk about, they could think and miss him but he was not to be mentioned and as much as that angered Ben, it was easier. No one would argue if they didn't bring Thomas up in conversation and the memories were too much for Ben, talking about his brother was something he couldn't do.

(Y/n) slowly pressed her lips against Ben's neck to try and calm him down and let him know that it was okay.

She could see now that whatever reason had caused Ben and his family to fall out, Ben wasn't going to tell her and she was going to have to live with that for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We're having dinner this Sunday, will you come along?"

Ben forced a smile onto his lips as he let his mum take his hand in hers, he could see the pleading and the anticipation in her eyes as she willed for him to say yes. A family dinner didn't sound like the best idea to Ben because it wouldn't be the same as it used to be. They always had dinner together on a Sunday no matter what was happening or how old they were, but it was a tradition that had long since stopped now, at least for Ben it had. There would be one of them missing without Thomas and Ben would feel out of place.

But he could hear (Y/n)'s voice in his head, urging him to do this. After all, he was trying to make amends and get along with his family now. Lucy was so desperate to have Ben back in her life and so were Joe and Andrea, Ben was ready to let everything be put to bed and try and get along. He knew it wouldn't be the same and not everything was going to be okay but being at peace with them might be the best idea.

"Sure, mum." Ben nodded as he spoke, managing to make his smile seem less forced when she grinned and held his hand a bit tighter.

"(Y/n) and Finn, will you bring them along? She seems like a lovely girl."

"We'll see. If Roger's gonna be there I can't stay long, you know that, right?" Ben didn't want to say no and upset his mother but he didn't want (Y/n) to feel awkward or to bring Finn if any arguments or tension was going to arise because that wouldn't be fair. But Andrea nodded, her smile staying strong because she understood and Ben didn't decline the offer so she could still hope he would bring them along.

"I know." Andrea dared not comment on how Ben wasn't calling him dad and that broke her heart, but they all knew what had gone on and she couldn't blame Ben for how he felt.

Ben was willing to sit through a family dinner with Roger but he wouldn't converse with his dad and he wouldn't stay too long in Roger's presence. Ben would try and be peaceful but playing happy families wasn't something he was willing to do and Roger wasn't someone he was willing to talk to.

Turning his head, Ben let the smile slip from his lips when he noticed Joe silently beckoning him over, clearly wanting to talk which they hadn't done in eight years now. Ben hadn't even said one word to him the first time they saw one another last week, he didn't know what to say and he couldn't bring himself to try and act like everything was okay or like the past was in the past when it wasn't. Ben held Joe's secrets in the palm of his hand and if they got out their family would be breaking at the seams.

Ben patted Andrea's hand before he got up and wandered over to the dining room where Joe was stood with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"I... I'm not asking you to forgive me or act brotherly or like nothing's happened, I know it's hard and you don't want to forgive me and that's fine. I just want to try and be civil, if we can talk or just be in the same room again, it would mean a lot to mum... and to me." Joe would never ask Ben to forgive him because that was Ben's choice when and if he wanted to do that and he wasn't asking to forget what had happened or pretend they were the best of friends.

But it was tiring to try and keep up the tension or cold stares or simply ignoring each other took a lot of energy. Joe knew it would be better for everyone if they could get along or just be civil with each other, he wanted Ben back in his life.

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that I know your secrets? You don't have to worry you know, I'm not here to upset anyone or tell them what you did." Ben crossed his arms over his chest as he watched Joe's expression turn into one of tiredness and sadness, but with a hint of worry in his eyes.

Ben wasn't trying to get along with them all again simply so he could spill Joe's secrets and break their family apart for the second time. He wasn't that cruel or vindictive no matter what they thought of him. Ben had no interest telling anyone of Joe's secrets because it wasn't worth it to him, Joe had no reason to worry about that.

"I know you won't, that's not why I'm asking. You're finally back in our lives and I don't want to have you back simply to glare at you or be ignored, can't we call a truce or something?" Joe held out his hand and his foot started to tap against the floor when Ben simply stared at his hand without making a move to try shake it and call it quits between them. He was making Joe sweat as he mulled over his choices. He didn't want to break everything apart by talking about what he knew about his brother, and a truce might be the best thing for them if they were to move on.

"Alright, I can be civil but I can't forgive you. All this shit I'm going through, this is because of you and I'm not forgetting that in a hurry."

[shadow-assassin-blix]

It’s a Grey Area

CHAPTER 6

A/N: Getting further into last episode. Not gonna lie... I saw it like 2x... It wasn’t great either times. So. Trying to get through it. If some things are off between this and the next couple of chapters, it’s cause I’m going off my memory and basic summaries on the internet. It’s not going to end once we get through the plot of Ep 9 though. There’s still more to explore. So. I said, I was changing some things, but not everything. I am not a medical expert, when I talk about the brain scans, I’m going off what I remember of what certain brain disorders look like. Other than that: “talk” ‘thoughts’  “Force Talk” 

Gif is from @captain-flint of whom i wouldnt remember this entire scene without.

The next few weeks were hectic. There came word of a spy for the First Order, and they gave damn good information. However, no one knew who it was. They passed on their information through a network of rebel sympathizers.

That’s where Poe currently was, gathering the new intel. Blix was in the middle of training with Ben and Rey. Ben didn’t need too much training, but his skills were being refined. He was learning to use the Force for good. Rey was learning just how powerful she truly was. However, there were some… concentration issues, as Blix soon discovered.

Rey came forward after running the obstacle course, with BB-8 directly behind her looking… rough.

“Oh. No. Uhoh. Um. Maybe I can fix you before Poe comes back,” Blix fretted as she kneeled down and looked him over.

BB angrily beeped at her, saying a tree was dropped on him. “I know honey. I know. Uhh. Oh boy. Poe’s going to kill me.” He beeped. “True. He’ll kill Rey then me.”

There was commotion behind them near the flight deck, and as they turned their attention to it, they saw the Falcon… on fire.

Rey stared at it and Poe and Finn in disbelief as they made their way over to them.

“It’s on fire. The.. the whole thing is on fire,” She began looking at Poe with mild horror. “Han’s ship.”

“What did you do to the droid?” Poe asked staring down at BB with an expression mixed between concern and anger.

“What did you to the Falcon?” Rey threw back, glancing at the 2 annoyed.

“Falcon’s in a lot better shape than he is,” Poe argued gesturing toward BB.

“BB-8’s not on fire-“ Rey began before she was cut off.

“What’s left of him isn’t on fire!” Poe nearly shouted his own look of horror growing as he continued to examine the state of BB.

Finn and Blix glanced at each other; Finn shrugged not wanting to get involved, and Blix was trying to not laugh.

Their arguing continued, and when they thought it was over, BB-8 then felt the need to tell Poe what had happened. That stirred the arguing back up before Poe stormed off in a huff.

“BB. Was that really necessary honey?” Blix lightly admonished him. “C’mon. Let’s go get you fixed up and then go find your dad. Hopefully by then he’ll have settled.”

An hour later after a quick stop in the repair shop, BB-8 was bright and shiny again. “Alright. Let’s go find Poe yeah?”

They took off toward his room, and as they stepped in, they see Poe tiredly running a hand through his curls, exhaustion radiating from him.

BB rushed forward to show himself off. Poe quietly told him he looked great before turning his gaze toward Blix. He beckoned her over with a wave of his hand, and she strolled over to him, a look of concern on her face.

“What’s up honey? What happened?” She quietly asked as she stood between his knees.

“It.. we had to light speed skip.. to get outta there. Ya know… I’ve gone on many missions… but this is one of the rare few times… that I was scared that I wasn’t going to come back… It’s like… the closer we get to finally finishing this war… the more I worry. About… everything,” He quietly confessed as he leaned to rest his head against her stomach.

She gently brushed her fingers through his hair, trying to relax him. “That’s not all that strange honey. It just means, that you are finally seeing the end, and the closer you get to it, the scarier it is. Besides, you’re not allowed to die. Not until we’ve married, had many kids and grow old with each other,” She informed him, pressing a kiss to his unruly curls.

“Is that so? Well. I’ll make sure to not disappoint you,” Poe sadly promised.

“You could never disappoint me. I got to work the Medbay for a couple hours. I’ll come get you for dinner,” She whispered to him before urging him to lay down and rest.

He laid down with a nod and muttered something that sounded like he understood.

Blix made her way to Medbay and began working there. About 30 minutes before her shift was to end, she got a visit from someone she didn’t expect.

“General Leia. What brings you here?” Blix asked concerned.

“I have been having some headaches. Wondered if you could help me figure out what’s wrong?” Leia answered with a heavy sigh.

Blix nodded quickly and led her over to one of the beds, so she could sit or lay down.

“How long have you’ve been experiencing the headaches? Any confusion, lightheadedness, trouble remembering stuff?” She began as she grabbed a device to scan her head.

“Sometime after Crait and yes to all of the above,” She answered.

“You mean… sometime after you were tossed into space and nearly died? That long?” Blix asked alarmed.

Leia nodded once. Blix completed her scans and made her way over to computers to print them out. A few minutes later, she was examining them with a deep frown. She took a deep breath before mentally reaching out to Luke.

“Luke. Get Ben. The both of you need to come to Medbay. Now.”

A few minutes later they both walked in and began to ask her what was going on when they realized Leia was lying on the bed.

Blix led them over to her, and said, “I’m sorry, but… they need to know.”

She sets the scans onto the nearby board, grabbing a seat to begin explaining.

“This is your brain. See the large dark spot? That is inactivity. In most cases that’s not fairly abnormal, but when its almost the entire brain? There’s a problem. From… from the looks of it… your brain is dying. I don’t know if… its because of lack of oxygen from the attack, if you picked up something while exposed to space,” She began to explain.

“What… what do you mean? Can-can it be reversed?” Luke asked stuttering slightly.

“If we had known sooner? Maybe? At this point, it’s not a matter of if but when. I’m so sorry. I-… I don’t know of anything I can do except make you comfortable,” She hesitantly informed.

Ben turned and walked out at that. Luke began to follow after him, but Blix stopped him before he got out the door.

“Luke. Go after him. Do me a favor…. Talk to him like he’s your nephew, not your student. He doesn’t need Master Skywalker. He needs Uncle Luke,” Blix requested with a small frown.

Luke nodded and looked back over to his sister sadly, before exiting.

“I apologize for bringing them in without warning you, but they needed to hear that as well. What… What do you need me to do?” Blix appeased turning back to Leia.

“Honestly. They did need to know. You saved me the trouble of having to tell them later. Can you have Commander Dameron come in please?” Leia asked with a sad smile.

“Of course. Then I’ll give you something for the pain, something light, to at least take away the headache,” She promised before going over to her communicator.

She quickly got ahold of Poe and asked him to come see her. A minute later he walked in, looking slightly disheveled.

“What’s up baby?” He rasped rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

She nodded her head over to Leia, and he quickly made his way over to her. They talked quietly for a few minutes before Leia called Blix over.

“Dr. I wish for you to make a notice and note it my medical charts. I am currently unfit for duty, and as such has appointed Poe Dameron to acting General,” She commanded.

“Yes Ma’am. Lemme get you that medicine real quick too,” Blix noted, quickly giving her some medicine before doing as she requested.

Soon enough the entire base knew that the General Leia was unwell, and that Poe had taken her place. They both escorted Leia back to her room, before returning to Poe’s room. They both plopped down onto his bed with heavy hearts.

“You’re sure there’s… there’s nothing that can be done?” He sniffled.

“Jedi have the ability to heal, but… when the damage is that extreme… It would be giving up a life for a life,” Blix croaked.

She sees out of the corner of her eye, him nodding. His hand slowly reached out and held her own, fingers laced. They both slowly fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“I… I don’t know how to be a general. I’m barely good at being a commander. What… what the hell am I supposed to do?” Poe questioned softly, shaking his head.

“Leia trusts you. She believes in you. You know the Resistance inside and out. I can’t think of anyone better suited to take over. You can do this baby. I know it,” She encouraged turning on her side to look at him.

“I’m going to make us some sandwiches, and then we should head to bed. We got a busy day tomorrow,” Blix announced as she sat up, and made her way over to the kitchen.

Tomorrow they would be heading to Pasaana, to figure out what happened to the Sith Wayfinder and the man who had it last. They ate dinner silently, and when they went to bed, Poe laid down, resting his head on her chest. They soon feel asleep with sadness in their hearts.

The next day, Poe, Rey, Finn, Chewie, C-3PO, BB-8 and herself were on their way to Pasaana. Ben stayed behind to watch over Leia with Luke.

As they landed and began making their way, following Luke’s steps, they realized that a festival was occurring. 3PO excitedly informed them it was a celebration of their ancestors and that it only occurred every 42 years. As they moved through the crowd, Blix looked over at Poe with a smile.

“What? What’s that look for?” Poe asked trying to squash his annoyance.

“Anyone ever tell you that you look very sexy with a scarf?” She flirted as she moved forward, her grin growing at the dumbfounded look that appeared on his face.

She came up to Rey as they were conversing with a local. She heard them talking about last names, and before Rey could say anything, Blix bounded forward.

“She’s a Kenobi. Adopted. But a Kenobi. C’mon lil sis, we got work to do,” Blix answered before dragging her away with a laugh.

As they made their way back over to the guys, another native walked up to her, and began to speak to her.

3PO began to translate, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but is that man over there your significant other.” And she motioned at Poe.

“Yes. He’s mine,” She answered with a smile.

She then draped a crown of flowers on her head, and then gave her a necklace to give to Poe.

“Do these items have some sort of significance? Are they important?” She asked curiously as she gently held the necklace with both hands.

3PO informed her, “That it was to signify your union. In some ways, it is considered a marriage in their culture, if General Poe accepts the necklace.”

She silently mouthed an “Oh.”

She looked over at Poe and then back at the native and said, “Wish me luck.”

Blix made her way over to him, and Poe stared at her curiously, his eyes glancing up at the flower crown.

“So. Apparently… if you accept me giving this necklace to you, we are considered hitched in this culture. May I?” She offered holding the necklace up.

He smiled, shaking his head slightly, but leaned down to allow her to put it on him. While he was leaned down, he asked, “Do you really think I look sexy with this scarf?”

She gave him a kiss in response and a wink. He tensed as he looked over her shoulder. “We got stormtroopers.”

A few minutes of panicked running and they were safely hidden with Lando Calrissian. Rey grabbed her attention really quick and asked hesitantly, “Did… did you mean what you… what you said earlier?”

“That you’re a Kenobi? Yeah. Damn straight you are. Listen. If or when, we find out your lineage, it won’t change how everyone in this caravan or within the Rebellion sees you. You’ll still be my kid sister. May as well make it official,” She assured holding her hand.

Rey smiled at her, her eyes watering up.

“Don’t you dare cry. If you cry, I’ll cry, and that’s not a good look for either of us,” Blix fretted jokingly.

Rey laughed at that and as they pulled to a stop, they followed Lando’s instruction over where they last tracked Ochi’s presence.

They explored the area, walking onto a strange patch of blackened sand. They looked every which way trying to figure out what had happened, when suddenly they began to sink. Poe grabbed onto her, as Finn tried shouting something at Rey.

When they finally dropped, they were in a small tunnel. Blix pulled out her lightsaber and turned it on, prompting Rey to do the same. As they moved forward, they looked around cautiously. They soon ran into a large serpentine creature, who allowed them to move past, when Rey reached down to heal it.

When he had moved, they discovered a corpse lying there. Ochi. Amongst his remains was a dagger that had a strange language inscribed on it.

Blix gently picked it up and stared at it concentrating. “It’s the Sith language. It’s… old… Difficult to translate.”

“But can you translate it?” Poe asked looking at the dagger over her shoulder.

“It would take time. Time we don’t have. 3PO? You got any ideas?” She admitted before turning her attention to the droid.

“Why, yes, I can translate it, Doctor. However, it is against my programming to translate it,” 3PO stated.

“So, the one time we need you to speak, you can’t?” Poe and Blix asked at the same time.

“Cool. Great. So… who knows how to override said programming?” Blix asked the group.

Poe winces, his face scrunching up as he thought. “I do. But. It’s risky.”

“Risky? How?” Finn asked exasperated.

“I’ll explain later, let’s get out of here for now,” Poe dismissed moving forward, following the path the serpent took.

Blix, Rey, and Finn all squinted at him in suspicion and looked at each other, then back at him.

“That was sus, right?” Blix asked in a whisper.

“Extremely,” Finn replied squinting his eyes at Poe’s back as they began to follow him. “Blix. Ask him why he bein’ weird?”

“What? Why me?” She blinked in slight confusion.

“He’s your boyfriend.” Came two voices in response.

Blix sighed with a laugh and ran up to walk alongside Poe.

“So…Why you bein so secretive, babe?” She asked, after a moment, not looking at him.

“We have to go to Kimiji,” He quietly muttered.

“….the planet… where you were a spice…runner? The one where your partner stabbed you? That Kimiji?” She clarified her voice slowly becoming more and more panicked.

He quickly grabbed her hand with his, and shushed her gently, “Hey. Don’t panic. It’ll be fine. I promise.”

“I wish I had your undying hope, but past encounters throw doubt,” She angrily whispered back, making her way forward, toward the end of the tunnel, shaking her head.

“Are you… are you seriously mad at me?” He asked incredulous, running up to catch her.

“Yes. You want us to go to the one place, where you could potentially be KILLED. Just for existing. And what? I’m supposed to be okay with that? No. We can… we can find another way, another… something. I don’t know,” She ranted panic beginning to consume her.

“Honey. Honey. We will be fine. You just said, we don’t have the time. You want to spend however long trying to find someone else to reprogram a droid, or do you want to try and translate it yourself?” Poe reasoned, trying to get her to focus on him.

Blix breathed heavily through her nose, looking away, not thrilled with this plan at all.

“Let’s just… get back to the Falcon. Regroup there,” She said finally walking in its direction.

As they were walking, Blix slowly came to a halt. She felt a presence coming toward them, a dark one.

As everyone began stepping up onto the rock formation, to get into the Falcon, Blix turned her attention toward the energy she was feeling. Rey quietly walked over to her and tensed as she realized what was going on. In the distance they could see a TIE-fighter rushing toward them.

“Rey. Run. Now!” Blix commanded shoving her toward the Falcon.

She turned her lightsaber back on and prepared herself. She took a deep breath and twirled the lightsaber.

As the fighter approached, she tensed her legs, preparing to jump. As soon as it was close enough, she leapt into the air, flipping over the fighter and running her lightsaber down its left wing. She landed in a crouch as the fighter crashed a few feet away.

From the wreckage, a figure dressed in black, wearing a hood and a face mask appeared. As the figure came to face her, she could see a pair of eyes that glowed like amber.

“Darth Sidious didn’t mention another Force wielder. Who are you?” came a raspy, feminine voice.

“I’m complicated,” Blix said sarcastically, throwing her hand out to use Force push the Sith away.

The push threw her back a couple of steps, but otherwise didn’t deter her. The Sith began to walk toward her, when Rey intervened, slashing at her with her own saber.

Blix tried to intervene, but the Sith was now focused on Rey, taunting her; trying to provoke her for some reason. They kept moving away, so she couldn’t hear what was being said, she just knew that all of sudden, Rey screamed in anger, lightning shooting from her hands.

Blix’s eyes widen in surprise, she could vaguely hear Poe screaming about more enemies coming in. Rey looked at her with such terror at what she just did. Especially when bolt was directed at another enemy ship that may have had Chewie on it.

Blix looked at the Sith who stood quite smugly, staring at Rey. While she was distracted in her gloating, Blix decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. She felt the Force surge around her, and she directed as much energy as she could to both of her hands, throwing them out at her.

The Force blasted her off her feet and tossing her several feet away.

“REY! C’MON!” Blix yelled out.

Rey rushed over toward her, grasping Blix’s outreached hand, the both of them rushing to the Falcon

As they raced onboard, Poe taking off as soon as they had jumped onto the ramp. It took mere seconds for them to reach space and make the jump to hyperspace. The both of them collapsed against the wall, breathing heavy.

Blix looked at Rey and pulled her into her arms. Rey shook, soft sobs coursing through her. She could hear her thoughts running amok, one thought that stood out clearly: ‘I killed Chewie.’

“Honey. We don’t know that. There were two transporters. It’s quite possible he was on the other one, okay? If so, we will save him, alright?” Blix whispered to her, as Rey held onto her tightly.

“As for the other thing… even if… you are his grandchild… that doesn’t change how everyone here sees you. That doesn’t change our love for you. You’re still my adopted kid sister, got it? In my eyes, you are a Kenobi,” Blix affirmed turning Rey’s head to look her in the eyes.

Rey tearfully nodded her head, before burying it back into Blix’s chest, her tears continuing, but not as harshly. They sat like that until Rey calmed down, and slowly fell asleep in her arms. Blix pressed some kisses to her hair affectionately. Blix slowly gathered her in her arms, picking her up, and carrying her over to one of the beds. She laid Rey down, making sure she was comfortable before grabbing blanket to cover her.

Blix made her way to the cockpit where Poe and Finn sat.

“Finn. Can you… can you go watch over Rey? I don’t want her to be alone right now,” Blix quietly requested.

Finn nodded his head, standing up. “How… how is she doing?” He asked as he got next to her, pausing.

“Not good. She just now fell asleep. I don’t know how long she’ll sleep, but I don’t want her to wake up alone.,” She began. “She’s feeling lost. Don’t..uh. Don’t. bring up what happened unless she does first. She’s still processing it, okay?”

Finn mumbled he understood before continuing out to her.

Blix all but collapsed into the co-driver’s seat.

“If you didn’t join the Navy, or the Rebellion… what would you be doing?” Blix wondered, staring at the ceiling.

“Ooh. Tough question. Mechanic. Or smuggler. Think I could’ve given Han a run for his money,” Poe answered thinking on it for a second. “You?”

“Pod Racer. Politics are too boring. Maybe even train kids on it,” She noted with a tired sigh.

“When this war is finally over… I’m taking you to my home in Naboo, and we are not leaving my bed for a week,” She announced as she straightened up.

“Deal. But you have to also come home with me to Yavin and meet my dad. Need for him to meet the woman who’s going to become his daughter in law,” He countered leaning over to press a kiss to her lips.

“Sounds good,” She replied leaning forward, resting her elbows on her thighs, looking at her hands.

“My mom would’ve liked you,” She whispered staring at the ring he got her on their first date.

“My mom would’ve loved you. Would’ve thought it was hilarious that you kept rejecting me for a year. She always said, I would wind up with someone who would keep me on my toes,” Poe admired, his hand gently stroking her cheek.

“How long until we reach Kimiji?” She wondered looking at the controls. “And uhh… can the controls go on auto pilot?”

Poe flicked a couple of switched with a small smile. “It’ll be a couple of hours. Wanna go lay down for a bit?”

She nodded her head, and they both stood up, walking toward the nearby bed. Poe laid down first on his back and waved her over once he was situated. She grabbed a blanket, holding it over her shoulders like a cape, before crawling on top of him. She gently maneuvered the blanket to cover the both of them, before sinking onto his chest.

The gentle lull of his heartbeat coaxed her to sleep, as Poe watched over her for a few minutes before going to sleep as well.

C-3PO and BB-8 were charging after the hectic morning. Rey had at some point woke up, and persuaded Finn to curl up next to her. The moment his arm wrapped around her; she was out again.

“I want to tell you, that I love you,” Finn whispered into her hair. “Maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to tell you when your awake.”

He eventually fell asleep as well.

The occupants of the Falcon were momentarily at peace. It had been a rough couple of hours, and they all knew, that it was probably going to get worse. But for now, they were going to take refuge in the peace. Once they dropped out of hyperspace, things would be hectic again. But the end was near. They were on their way to finally defeating the Empire, they just needed to continue fighting.

ELSEWHERE

Darth Sidious was angry.

"What do you mean "there was another Jedi" Maeve?" He seethed.

"Exactly that, my lord. She was powerful. She was able to toss me like I weighed nothing. She's protective of your granddaughter though. Maybe we can use her to convince Rey to join us?" Darth Maeve suggested.

"Hm. We shall see. I need to know what drives her. If she can be turned easily," Darth Sidious contemplated cackling. "If so, we can turn the tides on this ridiculous Rebellion, and the Dark side shall rule all. Continue with our plans for now."

"Yes, my lord," Maeve responded disconnecting her projection.

[tealin]

The Story of the Discovery Hut

You may have noticed that last week I breezily mentioned a visit to Scott's Discovery Hut as though it were just another class on the schedule. It most definitely was not! Wandering around one of the principal locations of the Terra Nova Expedition – of the whole of Heroic Age Antarctic history – was the pinnacle of the sensory overload of my first 36 hours on the continent, not least because the grubby old Discovery Hut is one of the least well documented sites, so most of it was completely new to me. To visit the other locations on my itinerary, I needed one or another sets of training, but Hut Point is only a short walk from McMurdo Station on solid ground, so my coordinator was keen to get me there as soon as possible.

My first full day in Antarctica was the coldest of the whole trip. I noted in my journal that it was -4°F/-20°C – I don't recall if that was with wind chill or without, but it was definitely windy that day, so you can imagine. The previous day's flurries were still blowing around, so the atmosphere was properly polar, and for the first time I was glad I had brought the heavy-duty boots that had been such a boulder in my luggage.

The Discovery Hut is named such because it was built on the Discovery Expedition, in early 1902 when the ship had found its permanent berth in the small bay at the end of the southernmost peninsula of Ross Island. The bay was imaginatively dubbed Winter Quarters Bay, and the spit of land adjacent to it was called Hut Point, the creativity of which was extended to the whole Hut Point Peninsula. The hut itself had been picked up in Australia, where it was a flat-pack prefab intended to be transported to the Outback and used to house cattlemen as they drove herds across the country. As such, it was designed to shed heat – not an ideal feature in an Antarctic dwelling, but it was never intended to be lived in, rather to serve as a warehouse and emergency shelter should anything happen to the ship. Subsequent expeditions used it more than the Discovery did, because of its proximity to the permanent ice of the Barrier, which made it a key staging point for any southward travel. They all complained of it being uncomfortably cold inside.

And it was cold. Not that I noticed much, beyond corroborating historical reports that it somehow seemed colder inside the hut than outside. Antarctic cold is a funny thing: You are certainly aware that it is cold, but it is a surface sensation only, and doesn't feel as severe as the thermometer says it is. Skin exposed to the air registers the fact it is cold, but even at -20 it didn't go any deeper than that. Compared to the seeping, insidious cold of a damp British morning or an air-conditioned animation studio cubicle, which disregards layers and seems to chill you from the inside out, -20 in Antarctica is really quite comfortable, if you're dressed properly and sheltered from the wind. I barely noticed how cold it was until the tips of my gloved fingers started tingling, which I observed with some perplexity until I remembered the temperature. At that moment I understood how one could get frostbite without noticing, because one's outermost extremities could suffer while one's internal thermostat was still reading as perfectly warm, if not hot. Hence the practice of deliberate, conscious reminders every few minutes to observe the state of one's feet – they would be all too easy to overlook, otherwise.

Lithium ion batteries don't much like the cold, and unlike human bodies they neither generate their own heat nor have a core heat bank to rely on. I got a few photos that first visit, but my phone died as I was taking a video, so I decided to leave the image harvest to another day. The photos in this post are mostly from later (warmer) visits, when electronics were functioning fully and I'd got over the initial awe of being there.

But before I can give you a photographic tour of the Discovery Hut, I need to fill you in on the history, so that you know what you're looking at when you see it, as I did.

As I said before, the hut was built during the Discovery Expedition but hardly used except for storage and, occasionally, a theatre. The next expedition in town was Shackleton's Nimrod Expedition, which arrived in early 1908. The sea ice that year was much more extensive than it had been in 1902, and the furthest south that the Nimrod could anchor was at Cape Royds, twenty miles north of Hut Point. Shackleton had been on the Discovery, though, and knew there were a lot of good things left in the little square hut across the ice, so he sent a raiding party to scavenge some of them and bring them back to Cape Royds. When they arrived, they couldn't get the door open, so they broke a window to get in, which was never repaired. After it had served its purpose as launching point for southern journeys and the Nimrod left McMurdo Sound, the hut filled up with drifted snow which compacted into ice.

When Scott arrived in the Terra Nova – which was also barred from Hut Point by sea ice and so had settled at Cape Evans, fifteen miles north – he found the broken window and the interior of the hut one solid block of ice. This did not do much to improve his opinion of Shackleton. The depot-laying party pushed on south with their supplies, but Atkinson, who had got an infected blister on his heel and couldn't continue marching, was left at Hut Point with Tom Crean; while the depot party was away, they employed themselves in clearing the ice from the hut. Once that was done, they used biscuit cases and the discarded winter awning from the Discovery to build a smaller chamber within the single room, which would hold the heat better, and improvised a blubber stove from discarded bricks and metal in the Discovery's rubbish heap. There are lots of seals around Hut Point so blubber was a self-supplying fuel, as opposed to the very limited quantity of coal which had been brought down by the ship.

The only way to reach Cape Evans from Hut Point is over the sea ice, and by the time the depot party returned, that had all broken up and gone out to sea. (I am glossing over The Sea Ice Incident. Check it out if you want some crazy adventure.) There was nothing for it but to wait at Hut Point for the sea ice to freeze again, which took from the beginning of March to mid-May. This was, as yet, the longest period of occupation for the hut, and was full of tinkering to make the place more liveable. Everyone devised what they thought was the best model of blubber lamp: whatever the design, it smoked with a thick black soot which added to the smoke from the blubber stove. As a result the hut was often thick with smoke and everyone looked like chimney sweeps before long. Crean and Atkinson had done a massive job clearing out the block of ice in the main room, but there was still ice in the cavity between the ceiling and the roof which they could not access, and this dripped on the assembled crowd every time they got the hut above freezing, turning their reindeer skin sleeping bags into a soggy mess. Despite the soot, the 'snipe marsh,' and a diet limited to recombinations of biscuit, seal meat, and the odds and ends left over from previous expeditions, the men all had a roaring good time. Some of them even claimed, when all was said and done, that this was the best part of the expedition.

Just enough to eat and keep us warm, no more – no frills nor trimmings: there is many a worse and more elaborate life. The necessaries of civilization were luxuries to us: … the luxuries of civilization satisfy only those wants which they themselves create.

— Apsley Cherry-Garrard, The Worst Journey in the World

The hut served its purpose again the following November as the jumping-off place for the great effort to reach the Pole. This is its classic role, and what it is best remembered for, when it is remembered at all, but something which I think gets lost and which adds a great deal to the emotional understanding of the place is that it's also the first taste of home for returning parties, the first solid walls after months of living in a tent. For both the First and Second Returning Parties it was a concrete assurance that they had made it, they were back to safety; it was only the matter of a day's walk to Cape Evans from there, which they did all the time. Like reaching one's own freeway exit after a long road trip, the Discovery Hut would be a welcome return to the familiar. It's the first comfort the Polar Party would have been pulling towards in their struggle to get home before the weather broke up for the winter.

But, as we know, they never got there. The next role of the Discovery Hut, and its most poignant, to me, is as the staging point for another southward journey, the one to meet the Polar Party with the dog teams. Atkinson had taken the dogs there after using them to help unload the ship at Cape Evans, but before he could leave he was co-opted to save the life of Teddy Evans , leader of the Second Returning Party, who was dying of scurvy not far away. Atkinson had to find a substitute, so he sent a message to Cape Evans requesting Wright, and if he was unavailable, Cherry-Garrard. Simpson, who was in charge back at Cape Evans, sent both to Hut Point, with the advice that Wright was needed for his particular scientific expertise and that it would be very inconvenient to lose him. So Wright was sent home, and Cherry was chosen to go south. He failed to meet the Polar Party; he and the dogs turned up back at the Discovery Hut exhausted, frostbitten, and unable to do any more work that season. Cherry spent a miserable purgatory in the hut with a strained heart and broken wrist, delirious on painkillers and tormented by the howling wind and fighting dogs, gradually coming to realise that his friends were never coming home.

When the Terra Nova finally left Antarctica for good, they left a large depot of food at Hut Point for whoever might come after, an act of generosity whose prescience was not long in the proving. Shackleton's Endurance Expedition is famous for the ship getting crushed in the ice and the last-chance boat voyage to South Georgia to find rescue. Fewer people know that that expedition had another half: a smaller contingent of men were sent to the Ross Sea to lay depots for the Endurance party to pick up as they crossed the Antarctic continent, which was the expedition’s original raison d’etre. They had what can only be described as a mindblowingly horrible time. It started with their ship being blown off its anchor at Cape Evans and out to sea before it had been fully unloaded, and got much worse from there. Winter clothing had to be improvised from a heavy canvas tent left by the Terra Nova Expedition, and they depended largely on the food that had been left at Cape Evans and Hut Point two years previously. By supreme effort they succeeded in laying the depots required of them, all the way to the Beardmore Glacier over 400mi/600km to the south, and suffered terribly from scurvy on the way back, one of them dying. The remainder narrowly scraped their way into the safety of the Discovery Hut, to recover their health and wait for the sea ice to freeze, but two decided prematurely that the greater comfort of Cape Evans was worth the risk, and set out over the new ice, never to be seen again. It turned out that their suffering was entirely in vain, as the Endurance party, whose survival they expected to depend on their depots, never so much as set foot on the Antarctic continent.

These are the layers of history with which the Discovery Hut, and all the geography of McMurdo Sound, are imbued. It was one of my great privileges, while a guest of the USAP, to be a portal to the Heroic Age for many people who were mostly unaware of what had passed before the building of the American station. It's harder to transmit the tangible immediacy of the history via the internet, but I hope this and the next post will get you some of the way there.

[ratcarney]

doubt comes in: a complete analysis

first of all, for all intents and purposes, london!orpheus has no rights, and here’s why: 

london!orpheus has a self-assured confidence to him. he does not pause before dialogue—he does not need to. “come home with me” is driven solely by confidence that eurydice will definitely, 100% fall for him. hermes mentions that “eurydice knew how to survive,” but “orpheus knew how to live.” orpheus’s drop-to-his-knees, spur-of-the-moment, pseudo-proposal has lively arrogance behind it.

broadway!orpheus, however, is the exact opposite. he is constantly driven by dreaminess and a perpetual, underlying anxiety. there is absolutely no arrogance whatsoever behind his characterization. 

while confident london!orpheus is, admittedly, VERY sexy, he is unable to bring the same emotion to songs such as “wait for me,” “if it’s true,” and “doubt comes in” (the latter especially!!). he starts the show very sure of himself and stays that way through act i and most of act ii. while one may think that this makes his total breakdown in doubt comes in more meaningful, it does not. it’s like orpheus has backed himself into a corner emotion- and confidence-wise and it would be uncharacteristic to fall straight to rock bottom after being strong and self-assured for the whole show thus far.

the best part of broadway’s dreamy, distracted orpheus is that the audience gets a chance to watch his belief in himself grow gradually until his turning point songs (“wait for me,” “if it’s true”) cement his newfound confident characterization in their minds. they have come to root for the underdog and are attached to his character. but then, starting at “wait for me ii,” as hermes is warning orpheus about the dangers of his journey with eurydice to the surface world, the audience recognizes a note or two of panic within orpheus akin to those they saw in songs such as “chant” and “a gathering storm.”

without witnessing how far orpheus has come, the audience wouldn’t be as broken up about his eventual failure to get the love of his life back. one could even argue that eurydice was the one that salvaged his confidence (probably during that super sweet part in “all i’ve ever known”) and cultivated it to be what the audience sees in “wait for me,” aka the ultimate declaration of his love. this argument would make it even more painful when she dies and, consequently, all of orpheus’s belief in himself dies with her.

at its core, it’s playing with the audience’s favor. london!orpheus already has the audience’s attraction, but the ever-anxious broadway!orpheus gained the audience’s sympathy throughout his story. london!orpheus’s loss isn’t as great because we know he can function on his own. we’ve seen it in songs like the london version of “livin’ it up on top.”

broadway!orpheus has demonstrated that eurydice is the only thing keeping him together. he literally gets torn nearly to shreds once he enters the underworld and she is separated from him during “papers.” the driving point behind all of his actions is to right his wrongs and get eurydice back. so his loss is MONUMENTAL compared to assertive, flashy, london!orpheus’s because the audience knows that he genuinely cannot handle himself without her.

keeping that in mind, let’s continue into “doubt comes in.”

“doubt comes in,” the penultimate song in the musical, is an illustration of orpheus’s complete mental collapse. it is symbolic of the destruction of all the love and hope for the world that he previously held. let’s get into the details.

the evolution of the beginning of the song is as follows:

a. in the concept album, after a VERY lengthy (but necessary for setting the scene) two-minute intro, orpheus himself starts the song. the opening lyrics are “doubt comes in and strips the paint/ doubt comes in and turns the wine/ doubt comes in and leaves a trace of vinegar and turpentine.” these lyrics are sung with the same otherworldly disconnectedness in which justin vernon’s orpheus sings everything. he continues with “where are you?/ where are you, now?” which is self-explanatory.

b. in the 2016 cast album, the fates start off with the same lyrics. this is attributed to their characterization from early on in the musical: “they [are] always singin’ in the back of your mind.” they function as orpheus’s anxieties and (self-)doubts personified. damon comes in a little later with his trademark wavering tenor singing “doubt comes in and all falls silent/ it’s as though you weren’t there.” this is fleshing orpheus out a little more, voicing his main fear—that eurydice isn’t behind him, that this is all a trick.

c. reeve’s “doubt comes in” is the most dramatically changed. they changed it so that it would fit his character more, and they did so EXPERTLY. reeve’s broadway!orpheus very clearly suffers from severe anxiety. he’s sensitive and jumps at the slightest sound. the way he neglects his relationship with eurydice in favor of working on the song is not malicious, but charged with fear. it’s not intentional, he just has a habit of shutting everything out when working on something important. he’s never been in a relationship before, so he doesn’t consider that maybe, eurydice needs him as much as he needs her. but i digress. reeve’s “doubt comes in” starts with the repetition of his lalala melody—the exact same one that the audience has come to associate with him. he sings this to himself both for comfort and in the feeble hope that eurydice will hear it and know where to follow him (akin to theseus making a trail of ariadne’s thread to help him escape the minotaur’s labyrinth). in the beginning of the show (“come home with me”), orpheus describes the melody as something that “takes what’s broken and makes it whole,” and he’s using his lalalas as just that. while that is heartbreaking enough to begin with, reeve’s trembling, almost-faltering falsetto (reevesetto, if you will) adds a layer of suspense and desperation that damon and justin can only dream of.

the instrumental:

- every version of doubt comes in has a variation of the same instrumental. the haunting strings fill the theatre with a palpable fear, leaving even the people who don’t know the myth filled with a sense of dread.

- the truly striking part about the instrumental, though, is the drumbeat. it’s meant to symbolize orpheus’s heartbeat pounding in his ears, and has the same effect on the audience.

eurydice’s verses:

- eurydice’s first line in both the concept album’s “doubt comes in” and the 2016 one is “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” one could argue that these are the most tender lyrics exchanged between the lovers throughout the whole musical. it demonstrates eurydice’s intimate knowledge of her lover whether it’s justin’s determined orpheus, damon’s confident orpheus, or reeve’s fearful orpheus (that is, if they had included it in the broadway version). in some ways, it is a response to the orpheus’s line prior to it: “where are you now?”

justin and anaïs: these two have the energy of a couple that has faced the trials, come out victorious, and will do so again. anaïs’s steady, haunting voice does not serve as an accessory to justin’s layered vocals, her eurydice is as determined as justin’s orpheus. they know that they will be fine as long as everything goes according to plan (spoilers: it doesn’t). when anaïs sings “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” it’s like she’s checking up on him, just to be safe. it’s not so much fear in her voice as it is a simple question, as if her next words would be “just checking in. keep going, baby, we’re almost there.”

damon and nabiyah: their relationship is more tentative. it was fractured when eurydice sold her soul, and it’s just starting to be repaired. when nabiyah sings “orpheus, you’re shivering/ is it cold or fear?” there is more lingering anger in it than what anaïs offered. it’s seen in the way she hisses his name, remaining on the last consonant for longer than she used to. however, after a beat, once she realizes that he’s shaking, (implying that either 1. she’s following close enough to see him tremble, or 2. she recognizes the wavering in his voice as a red flag, which is adorable because that means she was intentionally looking for anything that would indicate that orpheus wasn’t feeling as confident as he usually did as a precaution because she knew how fast things could spiral from there) her tone softens. she melts and offers him words of reassurance “just keep singing/ the coldest night/ of the coldest year/ comes right before the spring.”

reeve and eva: i will always (always!) be mad that they omitted that line from the broadway production. it had so much potential considering that eva follows so far behind reeve throughout the song. in her bold, protective voice, the mere singing of orpheus’s name would have 100% knocked me to the ground. and reeve’s orpheus would be most likely to display such symptoms. even the audience member in the farthest seat from the stage could tell that reeve was shaking as he walked forward on the turntable, he just gave off that aura (it’s free real estate good acting). of course eurydice would notice that he was afraid.

lyric changes (in no particular order):

a. in the broadway version, the “where are you now” was changed to “where is she now,” reiterating the fact that eurydice is orpheus’s number one priority (and source of fear)

b. in place of the “you’re shivering” line, broadway!eurydice’s words are more encouraging. had this been earlier in the show, she wouldn’t have been so optimistic. orpheus replenished her hope in the world with “epic iii” and that’s what carried her through “promises,” “wait for me ii,” and, of course, “doubt comes in.” she says “orpheus, are you listening?/ i’m right here/ and i will be ‘til the end” for the first verse and “orpheus, you’re not alone/ i’m right behind you/ and i have been all along” for the second, right before he looks back.

c. orpheus’s inner (sung) monologue fleshes him out more than the concept album and the 2016 recording ever did with their respective orphei. one of the most prominent examples of this is the lyric “who am i to think that she would follow me into the cold and dark again?”

d. this is one of the many callbacks in “doubt comes in.” orpheus means that eurydice took a chance in following him into the “cold and dark,” i.e. poverty. the fact that she does it AGAIN exemplifies great character development. from the first time eurydice was introduced, she was characterized as self-sufficient and unwilling to rely on others. but now, after all she’s been through, she willingly puts her life in someone else’s hands—something she would have never, ever done had she not met orpheus. the fact that orpheus says “again” demonstrates his awareness (something else he has gained since the beginning of the show) that he already let eurydice down once and he does not want to again.

callbacks:

a. “the wind is changing...” this is sung by the fates in the chorus and is reminiscent of “a gathering storm.”

b. “la lala la lala la la...” this is orpheus’s musical motif. it symbolizes togetherness and hope. however, while all other times he is eventually joined by the ensemble, this is different. he is singing his melody into the dark and hoping against hope that someone will answer. no one does.

c. “i used to see the way the world could be/ but now the way it is is all i see...” orpheus is hope personified. he symbolizes all that is good, he never sees the bad in anyone and on the off chance that he does, he doesn’t fixated on it. but here, he’s rethinking his worldview. the darkness has seeped into his soul, rendering him terrified and doubtful.

d. “it’s you/ it’s me/ orpheus/ eurydice” this is a callback to “come home with me ii,” which sucks because it’s uhhhh painful.

conclusion: jo found dead in miami.

[heroacademiaimagines]

Angst Alphabet: All Might/Yagi Toshinori

(I didn’t V + W for reasons don’t look at me)

A – Adjourn: How would they handle a break-up?

Toshinori has a tendency to just… ignore it. It means he never deals with the unresolved feelings, he never full confronts what happens and why it happened, and it also means it haunts him for a long time. He doesn’t just let anyone into his life, you have to be special to have stolen his heart in the first place, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t act foolish. With how famous he is, and how much he throws himself into his hero work, it means it’s not difficult for him to find ways to distract himself, though the feelings always catch up with him when he’s trying to sleep at night.

B – Blunders: If they could redo a moment of their past, would they?

He would likely choose to redo a lot of things, but the thing he wished he did the most was spend more time with you. He was so busy being the number one hero that he’d put you on a backburner, almost treated you like an afterthought, and used the excuse of ‘That’s just how a hero’s life is!’. With how fleeting his career seemed to be with his injury now, it seemed foolish to have treated you so poorly, when you would still be around while he was no longer a hero. He realizes how selfish that sounds, but it’s not as though his feelings for you hadn’t been genuine, he just didn’t have a chance to think until the whirlwind of the Symbol of Peace was over.

C – Calamity: If you happened to die in an accident would they blame themselves?

Even if there was no viable way for him to save you, for him to help you, he would only ever be able to think of the what-ifs. What if he had been with you that day? What if he had spent more time with you? The guilt alone could send him into an early grave, and these feelings are amplified if it’s after his injury has stopped him from changing into All Might; he knew he couldn’t do anything in this state, and that made it worse. If he was there he would’ve had to helplessly watch you die, because there was truly nothing he could do anymore.

D – Demise: How would they deal with death?

There’s nothing on this planet that would make him feel more useless than you dying, whether it be because of a disease or a villain. He shoulders the responsibility of your well-being despite your insistence that he shouldn’t; you know he’s protective and it’s natural instinct to want to keep you safe, but there were things in life that happened that he couldn’t control. This is a fact he’s aware of, but hates accepting, as he always defied the expectations of those around him.

E – Evaluation: What if someone were to expose their past?

Toshinori is well-aware that there are people always sniffing into his past, but there’s not much to find there relationship wise. He’d had a few flings here and there, but most of those people were tight-lipped enough to never mention it. It’s not like the world would be likely to believe them anyway, but he found most were willing to keep any secret they knew about him; he would be more worried about the secret for One For All coming out than his dating history.

F – Force: What would burden them to the crux of a breakdown?

Your kidnapping at the hands of All For One would likely be a huge stressor for him, knowing that you would be shown no mercy, especially due to being connected by him. There’s not a moment of sleep, of any type of rest, until you’re safely out of his hands and back in All Might’s. You can confidently say you’d never seen him cry, but he might if you return unharmed, or at least alive, from his greatest enemy.

G – Ground: Which part of themselves do they see as dangerous?

His ambition, especially when he was younger, was a dangerous thing, but more to himself than others. He wanted to be a great hero, he was almost a natural at it, but it easily put him into potentially fatal positions where only pure luck helped him get out alive (while also saving the people he’d set out to help). He can remember a handful of moments where he truly thought it might be the end for him, wondering if he’d still dive in against all odds knowing he might die (he would).

H – Hatred: Who or what do they truly despise?

All For One is likely the only thing that pops into Toshinori’s mind when he’s asked about the word hatred. He knows he dislikes villainy, which is why he became a hero in the first place, but to hold actual contempt for the villains he fights… he mostly feels sorry for them, and sees locking them away as for their own good, but there’s moments where he wonders about what truly drives them to hurt people the way they do (it’s not something he could ever wrap his head around).

I – Insulted: What would irk them the most?

People being disrespectful to the people he loves, villains hurting his innocent students, there are a surprisingly numerous amount of things that can get on his nerves. He doesn’t often show this irritation unless he’s been pushed far enough, but he’s been blessed with great patience and the ability to brush most insulting things off, so it’s unlikely the side of him that would bare his teeth would appear.

J – Justice: Would they ever murder for revenge?

Considering it’s been something he’s avoided his whole career, no matter how tough the villain, he likely would never take another life. Even if he did so accidentally, no matter how much that person deserved it, it would mark itself as a huge regret on his part and he would never be able to look at himself again.

K – Kidnapped: What if you were abducted? What courses of action would they take?

Toshinori tries to keep your identity as secret as possible along with his own, because he knows the great amount of danger that you’re in just by being with him. He feels guilty when he learns of your kidnapping, and full of fear, but he’s still a hero and he’ll do anything he can to get you back. There’s no way that All Might allows them to save you without him there to personally grab you, to personally see that you’re okay the minute you’re found, as he was never the type to sit back and wait for others to handle things. After you’re rescued, there’s no chance of you being out of his sight for at least the next 48 hours.

L – Longing: How much time would it take their hearts to mend after you died? Would they still long for you?

He’d already longed, pined, for you for so long, even while you were still alive, that it’s almost natural those feelings continue after your death; it’s like some form of torture, something he thinks he deserves, especially if your death was a premature one. His heart never truly mends, there was a piece of it that always belonged to you and it felt almost sacrilegious to let another in where you once were. No other romantic relationship seems to fit just right, none make him feel the same way you did, and unfortunately, he knows that he likely won’t feel like he did for you for another person again. He’s okay with it, of course, as there are other things in life he has to focus on, but it is still a great loss.

M – Money: Would you two have financial problems?

Being the number one hero in the world, for a long time, with his own agency, meant it was very unlikely you’d have any money problems. You yourself probably didn’t have to work at all, as most people who knew that you were involved with All Might in some way, shape, or form, would give you things for free, otherwise, he’d attempt to pay for it himself (like if you wanted to go back to school).

N – Naught: How would they react knowing they have lost everything?

It wouldn’t be the first time he’s felt that way, and it wouldn’t be the last, but there’s nothing that can stop him from marching forward. There was always something more to reach for, something more to aspire to, and even if it felt like the world was crashing down around him, he knew it wasn’t in his nature to simply give in and let things be.

O – Overwrought: What memories of their past causes them to be anxious?

Asking you out for the first time was quite an event, he knew you wouldn’t say no but at the same time, you’d never bowed down or acted especially enthused to have him around like his fans did (it’s why he fell for you in the first place). He can remember a handful of times where you’d gotten injured and needed to go to a hospital, and since he wasn’t physically there, he had been anxiously waiting a phone call to see if you were alright. The one that fills him with the most anxiety is probably when he had to confess the condition he was in, and he put it off for so long, he only made himself more anxious as he realized he’s lying to your face and you’d be even angrier when you finally did know.

P – Pessimistic: Do they rub salt in wounds?

Not generally. Toshinori is very forgiving, and he doesn’t like to continue fights longer than they need to be. He’s not the type to make snippy or petty comments if you say/do something that reminds him of what you were arguing about, more willing to let bygones be bygones and move on. He doesn’t forget what was said, or what the fight was about, but he’s not the argumentative type.

Q – Quake: What could frighten them so terribly they couldn’t recuperate?

Seeing you mangled, beyond repair, knowing you were tortured every moment until your very last breath… The image would be ingrained in his brain, every time he closed his eyes he’d see your dead ones staring back, cold, dead lips moving and asking why he couldn’t save you, why he wasn’t the hero he always swore to you he was. It haunts him, the rest of his life, and though he continues with his work, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever have a peaceful nights sleep again.

R – Rogue: What if they were evil?

If All Might were evil, it would likely be game over for most of the world. He would be able to do as he pleased, but of course, it’s no fun if it’s all that easy; he’ll be sure to play as many games as he can with the pro-heroes, leading them into a false sense of security, letting them think that he can be cornered when it’s simply a trap to kill them all at once.

S – Shaft: How do they vent?

Toshinori used to think screaming into a pillow was an effective way to vent out his feelings, or just ignoring them and hoping they faded away with time, but he quickly realizes that it’s inefficient. Having someone like you to confide in makes his chest feel warm, having someone he can truly trust, who sees him as a human being and not just a hero, is exactly what he needs. He would also need someone willing to offer him advice, or be willing to tell him he’s acting like a fool.

T – Tenderness: What emotion do they want to hide?

Toshinori tends to hide most negative emotions that he feels. He doesn’t want to let you know that he’s sad, that he’s heartbroken, that he’s feeling guilty, so he bundles them all inside into a tightly woven ball and tosses it away. He doesn’t think it’s right for you to worry about him the same way he worries about you, since he’s a hero and all, and this line of thinking can easily put a damper on the relationship (or even ruin it altogether, as you’re giving all parts of yourself and he’s hand selecting what he gives to you).

U – Untrustworthy: What could you do to make them lose their trust in you?

Leaking sensitive information about him to the media, cheating on him while you were together, betraying the heroes and becoming a villain… there’s only a few things that could truly push him to the point of no return, where he feels like he no longer knows you at all. For certain things, there might be a way for you to earn back his trust, but if you were to ever turn evil or hurt other innocent human beings, he would never be able to look at you the same way again.

X – X-Ray: Can they tell if you’re lying?

Toshinori trusts you greatly, so he wouldn’t be looking for signs of lying, though if he’s with you in the first place it’s likely because you’re an honest person to begin with. If you were a really bad liar he would be able to tell, and if it was simply a white lie or something he deemed harmless, he would just pretend he believed you or moved on.

Y – You: What memory of you hurts them every time they recall it?

Toshinori can remember the first time he broke your heart very well. He’d gotten caught up in criminal work on an important anniversary, and he’d had every intention of making it there he just… forgot. The next morning when he checked your phone, there were no texts to be seen, and he immediately realized why that was; when he sees you in person you tell him it was fine, but you’re teary-eyed and can’t look at him, and he hates it more than anything. If he’s going to miss a date, he lets you know ahead of time, and always has a good plan for the next day to make it up to you.

Z – Zigzag: Are they often pulled in different directions by their heart and brain?

Every day of his life, he feels like. Though his heart and soul is always put into his hero work, there are parts of his heart that want nothing more than to be with you. He wants to be home with you, cuddled together on the couch or in bed, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, there were so many domestic things that he craved to do that he just didn’t have time for.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Am so in the mood for some fics where John helps Sherlock through detox/cravings/danger nights, anytime throughout the series. Bonus points for Sherlock being scared John will be mad at him or turn away, but John being supportive and understanding!!

anonymous  asked: Do you know of any Sherlock fics that include self harm? Thanks

Hi Guys!! 

Since these are… SORT OF related, I’m putting them together! I don’t have many re: self-harm, so I thought I would add all the drug use, poisoning and the like fics together as well. They’re for both John and Sherlock, so I hope that’s alright! Hope these suffice!!

SELF-HARM

See also Alexx’s Lists:

Self Harm Fics

Self Harm – Part 2

John is drinking too much – Alcoholism

Shut Up and Sleep by Cumberbatch Critter (T, 1,257 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship) – Sherlock has a knack for hurting himself, although not entirely on purpose. John is a doctor, and it’s a good thing he’s there.

Needles by Kryptaria (M, 5,194 w. || Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Needles, Referenced/Implied Drug Use, Doctor John) – At the end of January, 2010, John and Sherlock move to 221-B Baker Street. By mid-February, John takes up his role not only as Sherlock’s guardian and helper, but also his doctor. As the months pass, they grow closer and the trust between them deepens, until Sherlock puts it to the ultimate test.

I’m Pretty Sure This Changes Shit by cwb (E, 7,672 w. || Fluff, Cudding, Doctor/Patient, Accidents, Pining Sherlock, Blow Jobs, Oral / Anal, BAMF John, Minor Injuries, Dev. Rel.) – Sherlock finds increasingly ridiculous ways to get John to patch him up after hurting himself.

Checkmate to a Castled King by LaSuen (T, 18,290 w. || Friendship, Hurt / Comfort, Sick Sherlock, Rev. Reich.) - John dies. Or at least everyone thinks he does.

The Kissing Disease by cottonballz_of_death (E, 30,856 || Sickfic, Angst with Happy Ending, Case Fic, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Jealous Sherlock, Body Image Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional H/C, POV Sherlock, Oral / Anal, Thong, Frottage) – John brings home a boyfriend, shocking Sherlock, who long ago gave up hope that his straight flatmate would ever take a romantic interest in him. In a bid to reconnect with John, he tries to infect himself with a “harmless” virus. Neither of them is prepared for the emotional fallout that results.

The Moonlight and the Frost by CaitlinFairchild (E, 77,289 w. || Case Fic, Post-HLV, Self Harm, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Oral/Anal/Rimming, Romance, Angst, Mary is Not Nice) – John has to somehow rebuild his life in the wake of Mary’s betrayal and Sherlock’s deceptions.

Bleed Me Out by antietamfalls (E, 87,987 w. || Vampire AU || Bonding, Vampire Sherlock, Fluff & Angst, H/C, John Whump, Magical Realism) – John isn’t exactly surprised to discover that Sherlock isn’t human. His vampirism doesn’t pose a problem, even when their relationship gradually grows into something more. That is, until a deadly revelation about John’s blood sends their lives spinning dangerously out of control.

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w. || FutureAU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say:Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

between each beat are words unsaid by darcylindbergh, hudders-and-hiddles (T, 107,998 w. || Epistolary, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Angst, Happy Ending) – On their wedding night, John and Sherlock gift each other with the things they each said when the other could not hear, the things they each put down where the other could not see: a collection of writings that illustrate the way their love for one another has grown over the years. Part 1 of between each beat

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w. || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, H/C, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w. || Established, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it’s supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,168 w. across 46 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They’ve been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.

The Gilded Cage by BeautifulFiction (E, 326,887 w. || Omegaverse || Omega Sherlock / Alpha John, Friends to Lovers, Dub Con, Reproductive Rights) – In a world where Omegas are the property of the elite Alphas, locked away and treasured by those wealthy enough to buy them, John never questioned his flatmate’s secondary gender. Sherlock Holmes was an Alpha through-and through. Wasn’t he? A chance discovery turns the world on its head, and John is left grappling to come to terms with Sherlock’s past as events conspire to threaten their future.

DANGER NIGHTS

Treasure Hunt by ThessalyMc (K, 2,288 w. || ASiB Missing Scene, Danger Nights, Friendship / Family, Seek and Find Game, Smoking) – Mycroft called them ‘danger nights’ because he feared Sherlock’s mood might drive him back to drugs. John knows better. Doesn’t stop him tearing apart the flat he knows is clean, though. He’s not looking for drugs, though. He’s setting up a distraction.

Those Days by StillWaters1 (T, 2,663 w. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD / Sensory Attacks, Caring Sherlock) – If Sherlock had danger nights, then these were John’s danger days.

DRUG USE / DRUGGING / POISONING

See also Alexx’s Lists:

Drugged Non-con sex

Drugs & Recovery

Mycroft deals with Sherlock’s drugs

Helping Sherlock With Drugs

Sherlock Drugs & Addiction

Angsty Drugs & Prostitution Fics

Teenlock & Drugs

The Signs of Loss by LitLocked (NR, 1,103 w. || Post-TSo3, Pining Sherlock, Self Reflection) – Sherlock’s internal monologue after he comes back from the wedding.

Clarity by socomessnow (thoughtfulwishing) (NR, 1,283 w. || Post-HLV, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Tarmac Scene, Stream of Consciousness, URT, First Person Present Tense) - During-and-post-HLV piece tracking Sherlock’s thought process from his phone call with Mycroft to his return to the airfield.

The Two of Us Against the World by slashscribe (T, 1,617 w. || Post-TAB, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Anxious Sherlock, Angsty Fluff) – John is there to take care of Sherlock as he comes down from his overdose in The Abominable Bride. Set immediately after the tarmac, back in 221B.

Loudly Unspoken by Mount_Seleya (M, 1,871 w. || Post-TAB, Love Confessions, Vulnerable Sherlock, Frottage) – John confronts Sherlock about the words he left unsaid on the tarmac. Set immediately after TAB.

They’re Taking My Wisdom by whitchry9 (K+, 1,939 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Drugging, Dentists, Friendship, Anxious Sherlock, Humour) – Sherlock goes to the dentist. Of course, being Sherlock, things have to be complicated. Oh and drugs. They’re always fun.

Stay by sussexbound (M, 2,067 w. || Post TAB, Suicidal Ideation Mention, Implied / Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Confessions, Frottage, Coming in Pants) –  “Why? Why did you do it? Hmm…?” He takes a deep breath, waits, lets it out again. “Look at me.” There’s no denying him when he takes this tone. “Why did you kill him? Hmm…? For her? After…” A muscle twitches in the corner of John’s eye, and he clamps his jaw down tightly, swallows and sniffs a little before continuing. “For her? After everything she’s done?” “For you.” Before he can even stop himself. Just like that.

Coming Full Circle by KCS (K+, 2,358 w. || Alternate TGG, Friendship, Drama, Violence/Death References, Drugging/Poisoning, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Moriarty POV, Introspection) – Moriarty had John for almost six hours between his abduction and the showdown at the pool - more than enough time to implement a Plan B for his escape should Sherlock call his bluff with the fake bomb vest.

Thief by KendylGirl (M, 2,430 w. || Rev. Reich., Heavy Angst, Regret, Grief / Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Implied Drug Use, Self-Flagellation) – John has been gone for four months, and Sherlock is not dealing well with it. When he finds a personal item of John’s, the situation reaches a crisis. Part 3 of When to Let Go

The Battersea Bridge by pininglock (M, 2,585 w. || MCD, Angst, Grief, Unhappy Ending) – A life without John Watson isn’t a life worth living.

Unspoken by PipMer (T, 2,770 w. || Drugged John, Mutual Pining, John’s Missing Wednesday, Fluff & Angst, Canon Compliant, Gap Filler) – Sherlock wanted to test a hypothesis. About John. He wanted a question answered that he couldn’t just ask, at least not under normal conditions, because John would never tell him the truth about that.

After the Bombs by VampirePam (T, 3,337 w. || THoB AU, Drugs, John’s PTSD, Panic Attack, Nightmares, Caring Sherlock, Cuddles, Bed Sharing, Angst, Hurt/Comfort) – In which the drugs Sherlock used to dose John trigger a severe episode of PTSD. When terrors old and new cause John to fall apart, Sherlock must rectify his mistake and pick up the pieces.

Bolt Holes by PostcardsfromTheoryland (T, 4,177 w. || H/C, Angst, Drug Mentions, Pining Sherlock) – John asked, one evening, if Sherlock liked her. To which he grudgingly had to say yes, and John said he was glad. Because John was going to propose to her.

Experiment by Gwen’s Blue Box (K+, 4,222 w. || Non-Con Drugging, Hurt Comfort, Friendship) – Of course John has always known about his flatmate’s irregular sleeping habits, especially when they’re on a case. This time, however, the case is taking longer and longer, and soon John starts to worry. But there’s not much he can do, is there? Because drugging Sherlock isn’t an option. Not yet, maybe, but will it be soon? {{CW: John drugs Sherlock without his consent}}

Afghanistan in Baskerville by Amaya Ramiel (K+, 4,357 w. || THoB Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drugged John, PTSD / Panic Attack, Hallucinations, Worried Sherlock, John’s Past, Friendship) – What if John hadn’t seen the hound when Sherlock trapped him in the lab? What if instead, his very real nightmares of the war had materialized all around him? Trapped and drugged, John can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. How will Sherlock react?

Afghanistan in Baskerville by Amaya Ramiel (K+, 4,357 w. || THoB Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drugged John, PTSD / Panic Attack, Hallucinations, Worried Sherlock, John’s Past, Friendship) – What if John hadn’t seen the hound when Sherlock trapped him in the lab? What if instead, his very real nightmares of the war had materialized all around him? Trapped and drugged, John can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. How will Sherlock react?

Very Good Indeed by StillWaters1 (T, 4,531 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Doctor John, John Whump) – John Watson was a doctor, trained to observe details; a fact Sherlock had never been more aware of than when a drugged John’s lifesaving instructions were based on an unlabeled syringe and an unconscious murder suspect’s body.

Needles by Kryptaria (M, 5,194 w. || Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Needles, Referenced/Implied Drug Use, Doctor John) – At the end of January, 2010, John and Sherlock move to 221-B Baker Street. By mid-February, John takes up his role not only as Sherlock’s guardian and helper, but also his doctor. As the months pass, they grow closer and the trust between them deepens, until Sherlock puts it to the ultimate test.

Not The Hands That Kill by You_Light_The_Sky (M, 6,201 w. || Winglock, Whump, Mentions of Drug Use) – Having wings does not make Sherlock Holmes a guardian angel, not in the way that John Watson is his.

The Dying Detective Remix by SailorChibi (K, 6,563 w. || Friendship & Family) – No one hates admitting illness or wounds more than Sherlock… perhaps that’s why no one believes him when he actually gets sick. Fortunately, when he can’t do it himself any longer, John and Lestrade are there to pick up the slack. Features Paternal!Lestrade and Gen John and Sherlock. One-shot.

The Hours Before Midnight by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 7,773 w. || TGG Fic, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Torture / John Whump, Kidnapping, Drugging, Alternating POV, Worried / Protective Sherlock) – Moriarty doesn’t play fair. John must deal with hours of torment from Moriarty before going to meet Sherlock at the Pool at the end of the Great Game and Sherlock must deal with the consequences of his boredom.

A Dangerous Mix by thebakerstreetgirl (K, 8,077 w. || Angst, Whump, Drugs, Hurt/Comfort, Overdosing) – During a case, John gets attacked and Sherlock and Lestrade find him with a mysterious drug running through the army doctor’s veins.

Never Been This Swept Away by estalita11 (T, 8,531 w. || Post-TAB, Mary is Not Nice, Drug Use, First Kiss, Love Confessions) – Set immediately after TAB, Sherlock visits his brother to definitely not apologize about earlier and ends up finally learning a few things that would have been nice knowing about months ago. Mycroft never wants to deal with lovestruck idiots ever again.

The Five Stages of Mourning, Plus One by SunnyRea (T, 10,557 || MCD, Pining / Grieving Sherlock, URT, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Drug Use, Graphic Death, Depression, Unhappy Ending) – Sherlock did not want this, did not want another stalemate with John in the middle, a gun in Jim’s hand. This cannot have happened without a sign. There has to be something he missed anything which said today is the day I kill for real.

Obsession by storylover18 (K+, 15,213 w. || HC, Case Fic, Friendship) - Dr. John Watson wakes up ill one morning but it is not the 24 hour flu he thinks it was. Soon he lands in hospital, quickly deteriorating and Sherlock must work to find out what has happened to his blogger before it is too late. Case!fic mixed with sick!fic / No slash.

Brief Conversations with the Woman by May_Shepard (E, 21,906 w. || Pining, Love Fairy Irene, Filler Fic, UST/URT, Drug Use, Clueless Sherlock, Relationship Advice, Angst w/ Happy Ending) – Sherlock has a puzzle to solve, and his name is John Watson.

A Love with No Name Series by aceofhearts61 (G to M, 49,955 w. across 20 stories || Asexual Sherlock / Straight John, Est. Rel, Queerplatonic Relationship, Romance, Cuddling, Fluff, Platonic Romance, Domestics) – In which Asexual!Sherlock and Straight!John are platonically in love life partners.

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w. || Post S3 || Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.  {{HAVEN’T READ THIS FIC YET, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION}}

To Light Another’s Path by BeautifulFiction (E, 128,654 w. || Post-TGG, Sick Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drug Addiction / Recreational Drug Use, First Time / Kiss, Case Fic) – Teaching John to observe seems to be a losing battle, but when Sherlock falls ill and submits himself to John’s care, will he realise that there is more to life than the science of deduction? Meanwhile, there is a murder to solve, and John must try and convince Sherlock not to sacrifice his own health for the sake of the case.

Ten Days by Engazed (E, 137,208 w. || Rape/Non-Con, Post-TRF, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Torture, Case Fic) – Sherlock Holmes has been dead for forty months, and John is at last beginning to live his life again. But just when he believes he might be happy, his world crashes back down around him. John is named a missing person. Someone is pointing DI Lestrade in the wrong direction. And as the days pass, his situation only grows more dire. It seems like the disappearance of his best friend is the only thing that can bring Sherlock Holmes back from the dead. Part 1 of The Fallen

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim? {{centres around drug use, but not necessarily John or Sherlock’s}}

[icarushasfallenfromthestars]

Found (Outside The Screen) (Dream x GN! Reader) Part 2

Request: That dream angst fuckin wrecked my heart..any chance for a part 2 with comfort(im not the og requester so if not thats fine its just OUGH my heart)

I have written this three times over because tumblr didn’t save it. THEN. Tumblr doesn’t show it to ANYONE unless they check my account. This happened to my Ranboo fic as well... I will honestly cry if no one sees this.

Part 1 

Once again. This is a completely fictitious story and version of Clay.

TW: Panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts,

"(Y/n)!"

His voice echoed through the house as you scrambled around corners to escape the possible wrath of your boyfriend. Or maybe even soon to be ex boyfriend.

Despite living in this house with him for a little over two years, it was beginning to feel like a maze. You couldn't tell which way was left and which way was right, your head spinning with panic as you gasped for breath.

He's gonna find you...

The house wasn't even that big, and quite an open concept, so you had no idea why you were finding it so confusing. All you knew at the moment was...

Get out.

Once your eyes landed on the door that lead out, you made a beeline towards it and flung it open. Maybe you should've known better than to attempt to run from the manhunt god...

The footsteps pounding against the floor not too far behind you startled you enough to jump outside and slam the door behind you in hopes of giving yourself enough time to run farther.

There were plenty of things failing to register in your mind as you ran down the empty sidewalks. Such as the poor choice (or lack) of shoes you were wearing, or even the heavy night rain pelting down on your shaking body.

Your lungs were burning.. But your brain had thrown itself so far into fight or flight mode that you had no care for anything around you, hardly blinking twice as the signs of unfamiliar street names flew past you.

Eventually, when you physically couldn't breathe any longer, you sat on a bench and took awhile to think. The consistent rain pelting down on your head was actually a decent grounder to help you snap yourself out of it... But that only caused more confusion and another wave of panic to wash over you.

Where... were you?

Doesn't matter. Don't go back.

Oh God... He hates you..

Why wouldn't he..?

He was too embarrassed to show you to his chat!

What did you do that was so embarrassing?

God.. What was so wrong with you that he stayed in his streaming room for days on end!?

Pulling your knees up to your chest, you choked back a few sobs, trying your best to keep what was left of your composure. Very quickly, however, you gave up on trying to hold yourself together and broke down, hiding your face in your knees.

Time seemed to pass by way too quickly but also way too slowly at the same time.. Like time itself was giving you the one finger salute. When you finally stopped crying, you leaned back against the back of the bench and gave a shaky sigh before you decided to attempt to think rationally again.

You had no clue where you were. Nothing looked familiar. What time is it? No clue, you don't have your... Your phone!

You quickly scrambled to your pocket to pull out the cellular device, and stared at the black screen for a few seconds. Anxiety was the reason for your hesitance as you stared into your reflection, frowning slightly. Without thinking twice, you pressed the button and the screen lit up with various arrays of colours.

78 Missed calls from Clay💚

2 Missed calls from George👓🇬🇧

7 Missed calls from Sapnap🔥

Was... He so mad that his friends were trying to yell at you too? You tilted your head slightly and scrolled through the other notifications on your lockscreen.

Twitter seemed to be losing their minds over your boyfriend's stream and wondering who the stranger was. Seeing the headlines flooded you with immeasurable guilt and you almost put your phone down again, if your phone didn't start buzzing.

You glanced down at the screen and say Clay was making call number 79... Man, he was persistent.. and he would probably continue to call until you answered...

Your finger hovered over the decline button, before slowly moving over and landing on the green one instead. "...Hello...?"

"(Y/n)...?" Had... He been crying...? "Oh my god! You're alive!" He gasped out with glee before giving a few sobs of... relief...?

"...You... Aren't... Mad?" You whispered very softly and hesitantly, your voice scratchy and sore from crying.

He sighed and there was a little bit of shuffling as well as a few male voices in the background. "No. Not in the slightest... Where are you? I want to apologize in person.. And when it doesn't sound like you're in a hurricane.."

You lifted your head up to look at the rain that was continuing to pelt down on you before looking around. "..I'm not sure.." You heard your partner echo your statement in question form as you looked for street signs through the rain. Glancing back at your phone, you saw the screen light up again, this time it was a warning label.

Your battery was almost dead...

"C-Clay.. My phone is going to die.." You murmured softly, your heart filling with dread as you turned down your brightness and closed any unnecessary apps.

There was a little bit of clattering and shuffling on the line as Clay hurriedly walked from the windows to the door, trying to see you from the home. "G-give me landmarks! Hurry!" He practically begged as you shot up from your bench, ignoring the burning soreness in your legs.

Spinning around quickly, you began listing off a few company buildings you saw, trying to shout over the rain and a few cars driving by. "Yeah-yeah! There's also that little sushi place beside the restaurant too.."

You heard the furious typing of his computer before another almost sob of relief. "You're on Rosewood Avenue... How the hell did you run that far? Okay, you're going to walk in the opposite direction of the sushi place until you reach a road called Miller Road, got that?" He waited for a verbal noise of agreement before continuing, "Once you get there, turn left and keep walking straight until you get to a steakhouse. I'll meet you half way, if you don't see me there, don't move unless you have to. Got it?" He asked firmly, with a small hint of desperation in his tone.

You rubbed your face as you mentally repeated the directions to yourself. "Yeah.. Yeah.. I got it." You began to walk along the sidewalks, your shoulders beginning to tremble from the water induced shivers trailing up and down your spine.

"..(Y/n)?"

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Your phone died..

Pulling the device away from your head, you pressed the buttons a few times before groaning and shoving it into your pockets as you began to walk.

Your mind was blurry but also hyper aware along the walk to the road where Clay told you to go. 'What was he going to say? If... He doesn't hate me... was he going to say- No.. no. He hadn't said that line in over a few months now.. No reason why he would say it now..' You mentally scolded yourself.

The rain didn't seem to be too keen on letting up as you walked through large rippling puddles. Your clothes were soaked, your hair completely drenched and you were pretty sure you were gonna need to buy a new phone with how much your current one was getting waterlogged..

You rose your arm to shield your face from the onslaught of water that a car had caused by driving through a large puddle before running your hand down your face.

Part of you was still a bit.. angry... at Clay... He had ignored you for so long and wanted nothing to do with you.. Then suddenly you spill hot coffee on yourself and then boom, you have the man more focused than when he has a good speed run seed. What about all those times you were begging him to come to bed, or at least eat dinner at the table with you? Did you only matter when you were in pain?

Biting your lip, you shook off the thought as you looked up again to see the steakhouse that you were directed to go to, the signs glowingly and people shuffling in and out through the doors...

Then there was another man, standing under a large black umbrella wearing a damp lime green hoodie...

Only you'd recognize that face anywhere where others wouldn't.. Standing in the street lights perfectly was your boyfriend, Clay.

Your heart trembled but also melted slightly upon seeing that he wasn't paying attention to his screen anymore. You. He was focused on finding you...

As you began to walk closer, you saw him lift his head and stare at you for a few seconds before dropping the umbrella and lunge forward to wrap you in a loving embrace. "I'm sorry.." Was the first thing he whispered, his voice almost as hoarse as yours. "I know.. that a simple apology will never excuse what I put you through... You cared for me, and even after a stupidly ignored you... You still didn't leave, or get angry. I don't deserve you, I know that, and you have every right to be upset, angry or whatever you're feeling right now.. Please, it doesn't matter how long it takes... Just let me make it up to you and let me prove myself worthy of your love again.."

Your lips parted in surprise as you stared at him, the streetlight poorly capturing his normal beauty, but still doing it well enough that you felt your heart soar. "Clay..." Your eyes traced his features, his puffy and reddened eyes and his cheeks stained with tear tracks, "You have a lot to work and make up for... I'm not going to forgive you immediately, but I'm not going to leave you.. We can work things out.. Together, okay?"

He eagerly nodded and gently held your face in his hands before pressing a light kiss to your forehead. "I'll break away from video editing and streaming for a while.. So I can focus on repairing things with you.."

You buried your face into the male's sweater, that was beginning to become soaked as well from the rain and you, and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him.

"(Y/n)?"

"Mm..?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Clay."

[alexiarexia-blog]

04.13.2019

Please be aware that I will not be responding to any messages, asks, or replies at this time, or for the foreseeable future. Please respect our privacy and need to grieve. Thank you.

This is not an easy post. Our journey does not have a happy ending.

At 2:08PM on Saturday, April 13, 2019, our beautiful Camryn Rose made a very early debut into the world. She died in my arms at 2:13PM without ever taking a single breath.

Camryn Rose was born a full 21 weeks early. They don’t even call it a live birth at that point. Even though her heart was still beating until they cut the cord, it’s considered a second trimester miscarriage.

Regardless of what they call it, I call it heartbreak. I call it impossible.

I call it agony.

Camryn Rose. She was a girl. I don’t think I had even publicly announced that yet on Tumblr. Only a select few knew that detail. Only a select few knew I was experiencing complications. To those few, I am eternally grateful for your positivity and being there when I needed you. Especially @randomgirlusername. You were definitely my virtual rock when I needed to be completely honest with where my head was as we were playing that torturous waiting game, and in the weeks since.

To others, I need to tell my story. I know I don’t owe it to anyone, and I have a right to keep it private, but writing it out has been cathartic, and I want you all who have been so supportive and encouraging to know.

So, here’s my story.

WARNING: This story contains frank, graphic descriptions of a second trimester miscarriage. I can’t sugarcoat any of the details. If you’re at all squeamish, this may be hard for you to read. Proceed at your own risk.

On Thursday (April 11), I stayed home from work because I was feeling a bit off. But I’d been having trouble sleeping because of my asthma and allergies (both made worse by the pregnancy), so I figured I just needed a day or two to rest and catch up on my sleep. The morning was pretty smooth, just some mild discomfort that wasn’t usual for me. Mostly lower back pain that I typically attribute to the weight of my chest. I’ve felt that pain since my teenage years, so it wasn’t unusual.

Claire was still home. She’d cancelled her late morning office hours, but was still planning on heading to work for her two afternoon classes. We’d planned on ordering Chinese food for lunch and watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

Around noon, I began feeling a bit worse. My lower back pain had morphed into what felt very similar to bad period cramps. When I went to pee, there was spotting. Spotting during pregnancy isn’t unusual, but combined with the lower abdominal cramps that were continuing to worsen, we made the decision to call my OB and see about getting a same-day appointment to get everything checked out. The receptionist told us to hold for a moment, then she was back on the line in two minutes and told us to go straight to the emergency room as quick as we could. Claire drove like a mad woman and got us there in under fifteen minutes.

I was admitted fairly quickly and they did a pelvic exam where it was discovered that my cervix was extremely short. An incompetent cervix is the technical term. A normal cervix length at 17.5 weeks is about 3.5cm, but it can vary for each pregnancy. Anything less than 2.2cm is considered in the danger zone. My cervix was 1.1cm upon admittance. Essentially, my body was preparing for labor. I was only 17 weeks and 4 days. The earliest viability for a fetus is 22 weeks, and survival rates at that point are still incredibly low. There was zero chance she’d make it if they didn’t stop it.

I was given IV medication to try and stop active labor, but it didn’t work and by the following morning, my cervix was 0.8cm long. The next step was a cervical cerclage, which is a procedure where they literally sew your cervix shut with a thick suture. It sounds painful because it is. I was given an epidural to numb me, but when that wore off, I was in so much pain that I passed out from it a few times. I could only receive so much pain medication to help because of the baby. But it was worth it, all the pain and agony was worth it, to save our baby.

But it didn’t work. I developed a pretty nasty infection quickly (expected with this procedure) and it was being resistant to antibiotics. And then, at just past noon on April 13, 2019, my body gave up and my water broke. The force of it ripped the stitch from my cervix, and it felt like a red hot poker was being pushed out of my vagina. I’ve never felt anything more painful in my entire life. Physically, at least. What happened next was easily the single most painful experience, physical or emotional, I’ve ever had to endure.

There was nothing more to do to stop my body from labor. They gave me another epidural to numb me, then they delivered sweet little Camryn Rose. She was so tiny; I didn’t even have to push. She was already crowning. She weighed just over 6.5 ounces and was only 5.4 inches long. I held her as I cried. As Claire cried with me.

In all the years I’ve known Claire, I’ve only seen her cry from sadness two other times. Once was when her mother died last summer, the other when the grad student she was mentoring died in a horrific car accident several years ago. It seems death is the common denominator here. Claire is a solitary crier. I know she’s had more moments than I’ve been privy to than just what I’ve seen. It’s not that she doesn’t want me to see her break down. Or, well, that’s exactly what it is, actually. She’s stoic and a protector. She feels the need to be my rock, so she has to always be strong.

But she was crying freely as she held me the entire time, uncaring that all the medical personnel could see her. That my mom could see her. (My mother had flown out as soon as I’d been admitted to the hospital the day before.) She didn’t care, and for that I am grateful. I needed her to be vulnerable in that moment, just as she needed herself to be vulnerable.

My heart hurts for the loss of our baby, but it hurts even more for the pain it causes my incredible wife. She’s been through so much and I just don’t understand how she can keep going after all of it. But she does, and for that I am so utterly grateful and in complete awe.

Camryn Rose. We decided on the name as I held her. “We should pick a name.” Claire spoke those words as she brushed a finger across our daughter’s paper-thin cheek. We’d discussed a few names, but Camryn really stuck out in that moment. She felt like a Camryn. And Rose in honor of Mama Rocío, Claire’s mother’s, memory.

After we said our goodbyes, I had to be taken to the OR for a cervical repair. It’s as nasty as it sounds. They stitched my cervix back into place, but only after they had to perform a D&C (where they remove the placenta). I was thankfully still numb from the epidural, but after that wore off, it was more pain.

The physical pain, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt. The emotional pain I still feel, and will for a long, long time.

I can’t become pregnant again. There was too much damage to my cervix. I’d never be able to carry a baby to term, no matter how much precaution was taken. That’s something I have to make peace with, but that’s also going to take a long, long time.

The mental trauma of this miscarriage has left me raw and sensitive. The smallest thing can set me off into a sobbing mess. The thing that gets me most right now? Mirrors. Yes, mirrors. Or photographs of myself. Because, even 3+ weeks later, I still look pregnant. The body doesn’t magically morph back to its pre-pregnancy state after miscarriage. I still have the rounded belly (not quite as much now, but still there) and puffy cheeks. That will take a while to go away. So for now, mirrors/pictures of myself are the sworn enemy.

Claire is incredible. She’s grieving as much as I am, yet she’s been my rock this entire time. Her and my mother. And my dog. Sasha the GSD has not left my side since I returned home from the hospital. Dogs are incredible, and we don’t deserve them.

Therapy has been a godsend. I’m nowhere near okay or ‘back to normal,’ but I can function day-to-day, and that’s a huge improvement for me compared to two weeks ago. It seems like it’s been so much longer than just over two weeks. It seems like it’s been a lifetime. Getting through the next days, weeks, months, years… seems impossible at times.

My saving grace is my support system. In particular, five people. Claire, my mom, Sarah, my therapist, and @randomgirlusername (seriously, y’all, if you didn’t know how incredible she is, take my word for it--she’s been a literal life-saver and I cannot thank her enough). I have my bad days and I have my good days. All days are emotionally trying, but some are less painful than others. Those good days are all because of this support system that I have.

And on the bad days, my support system knows exactly how to help me cope. And for them, I’m eternally grateful. I don’t know where I’d be, mentally, without them.

I’m okay. Or, I will be, at least. Even though this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, I have the support system to get through it. And because of that, I know I’ll be okay. I know there will be hard days and not-so-hard days. I know it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine, but it also won’t be all stormy weather. I remind myself in those bad times that it won’t remain like this. I will feel joy and happiness again.

It will just take time to heal, physically and emotionally.