#buying used books online makes me nervous too

[smilesandexits]

made the mistake of ordering something late on thursday and now it's sunday and i'm like

pakige not moving :(

[josnhoes]

Platonic!Yan batfam with young adult reader. Part 2

[Part one]

Note: Reader is 18-22 years old. Gn reader

Content warning: being treated like a child, being looked down on, stalking, obsessions, soft yandere but still a yandere, reader has memory issues and it's ambiguous as to why, drugging, mentioned abduction, delusional batfam, batfam as a whole basically view you as a child younger then Damien despite you being older

Focuses on Tim Drake

---

For the following week you'd noticed one or a few of the bat brood following you in the evenings. You weren't sure *why*, but it did make you feel a bit safer so you didn't complain. It was Gotham, any sense of safety was welcome.

The small book shop and coffee place you worked at didn't get a ton of customers. It was a hole in the wall style place, sometimes it got new customers but a majority we're regulars. There were also a few college students who used the late hours to buy a single coffee, then use the free wifi to do class work. Today's shift had you on coffee duty.

The bell chimed, signaling a customer or what you *hoped* was a customer. You looked up and were flabbergasted to see Timothy Drake, the co-ceo of Wayne enterprises. Normally you didn't pay much attention to CEOs of anything, but the Waynes were like the poster family for Gotham. One way or another you learned their faces and the names.

As he approached the counter you did your best to smile and not seem nervous. "Hello sir can I help you today?"

The look he gave you almost seemed to be taking you apart peice by peice; assessing you down to your soul. "I'll take a large coffee and as many shots of espresso as you can legally give me. For here."

You supposed today was going to be one of those™️ days. "Of course sir. Feel free to sit where ever you like. Would you like something to eat too?"

"No thanks." He seemed to soften now and once you gave the total he paid with a nice tip. Though he chose the spot closest to you to work. Probably because that was the best area for wifi signal you supposed.

You got his order out fast since it looked like he needed caffeine more then oxygen at this point. As you placed the drink down you had the urge to talk to him but decided against it.

Tim had been having a trying week. He could balance his nightlife and the company fairly well; but the addition of you had been a problem. He didn't know what it was about you that pulled him and his family in. He'd gone over your entire life that he could find multiple times now, and nothing ever changed. No secret identity, no shady acts, aside from some strange tumblr activity you were clear. Mind you all activity on tumblr was weird as he came to see. The entire batfam either made accounts just to follow you, the ones had them already followed you too.

The family adored you and he...was no exception. He tried to be, the way his family was spiraling and for one civilian was alarming. But he couldn't fight it. You were special. You *needed* them to keep you safe. You obviously couldn't be trusted to do it on your own, just today you forgot to lock your home.

While yes it made putting the cameras in your home easier, it also meant that you could have gotten robbed or worse. You'd admitted to being spacey at times online, made a joke of it but it was dangerous.

He finally took the time to sip on the coffee. It was good, better than most places he had. You clearly knew your way around the machine. Would you make him coffee in the mornings? Tell him to have a good day as you called him your favorite big brother? He needed to know.

The more he watched you, the more he worried for you. What if you got hurt? Not even in a rogue attack but in general. You obviously cooked for yourself, and cleaned. Knives and chemicals? Too dangerous for his baby sibling, and he hated knowing if something *did* happen you might be alone.

He'd speed up the family's preparations for you. You'd fight them at first so they had to prepare a special room. But you'd see how well they cared for you, how much they all loved you, and everything they could provide. Hopefully the room will be ready soon.

[seongclb]

— enhypen reaction to you being from another culture !

bf!enha x gn!reader, fluff, established relationship au, no warnings!

req. by anon

n. i’m so excited for this! hope u guys like it even though it’s a lot shorter than intended

♫ nothing compares by the weeknd

𖠗 이희승 | lee heeseung.

he would genuinely be so interested

before u guys dated he definitely used it as an opportunity to ask you things

and flirt

a lot.

“omg no way! i’ll keep an eye out for this celebration just for you”

lots of winks and those adorable smiles

rizzseung for a reason guys !!

now that you guys are together though

def celebrates with you and learns at any chance he can get

“tell me more!” he’s so eager bc he loves u and everything about you

ur family love him for sure

𖠗 박종성 | park jongseong.

not only does he love learning about your culture

but he loves trying out the dishes

especially cooking them

instead of online recipes though, he’ll go straight to your family

that way he knows just how you like them and are used to them too

it’s his secret love language like he genuinely bonds with you over it

on days where you’re just homesick especially or just not having a great day and all u want is a homemade recipe

he’ll cook it for you so you come home to something warm and homely

“i know this isn’t the same as how your family would make it but i hope you like it, my love”

𖠗 심재윤 | sim jaeyun.

similar to heeseung, he’d use it for flirting with you beforehand

and probably in the relationship too

like if u celebrate something

he’ll be like “let’s match”

would get on so well with ur grandma

so well that she’s teaching him words in your language

she says she would adopt him if you guys weren’t going to get married

he loves learning about it so much

says things like “when we’re old and married, we’ll go to where you’re from and just eat all the amazing food! and meet your family back there too!”

and ur just there like :(

cos he’s so cute and excited whenever something big happens

𖠗 박성훈 | park sunghoon.

is so fascinated by it again

one thing he would love to do is go shopping for cultural clothes

when he gets the hang of the nice styles, he starts picking things for you

and of course, himself!

loves colour coordinating and taking pictures

then hypes you up, “yeahh my baby is so pretty and hot like what nobody else could ever”

so nervous at first around your family but after he researches a ton for how their culture is, he gets more comfortable and they just welcome him as if it’s their new son

asks you to always like explain anything new he hears and then he’s like

“wow that’s so cool, can’t wait to teach our kids one day”

blush time.

𖠗 김선우 | kim sunoo.

his fave thing is to try snacks and foods with you

“y/n i saw this new food on tiktok and it’s from your culture! do you know it? let’s get it tomorrow”

maybe tries learning how to cook it

even though he loves food (like me) he also loves learning like

anything literally

wants to know everything from bottom to top

buys books about your culture just show to you how much he appreciates it and loves it

doesn’t act like it’s a big thing bc he feels like you’d feel weird if he was putting so much on your culture

but when the opportunity arises, he’s the first to know things even you dont

one thing ab sunoo is that he’s gonna excel in anything!!!

𖠗 양정원 | yang jungwon.

another fascinated one

again like sunoo, would read books to understand it and search the web

wants to go to visit your home country multiple times when you guys travel the world together

he’ll jump at any opportunity to go with you for anything related to your culture too

the more practise the merrier

he just wants to do as much as he can with it since one day he wants to do the same with his kids

wont tell you though

he just admires it so much

u guys compare superstitions and stuff

interesting, long conversations about what it was like to grow up in each of your cultures <33

𖠗 西村力 | nishimura riki

always found it one of the most special things about you

you just were different in a good way

he liked that you were a new thing to him, one that he could learn about and grow to settle in himself

and that’s exactly what he did

when learning about it, it’s as if it became apart of him too

like, oh y/n does this bc it’s part of their culture

and suddenly next time, he’s doing it bc it’s part of his culture too

and when you ask him why he does that

he’ll just say something like, “i wanna get used to the stuff you do so we can do them together and it’s not like weird or anything”

hes so pure and kind-hearted i love him

[tired-biscuit]

hi! I hope you’re doing well. You don’t have to answer my question if it makes you uncomfortable.

I know it isn’t anime related and I’m also embarrassed to ask this, but I want to ask advice on how to masturbate? I’m a girl and never done it before but I’m becoming more open about it and want to try it but don’t know where to start. I heard it hurts when you’re not aroused so I’m also a bit scared to try it.

Yeah that’s all, thanks in advance.

hi, completely okay to ask this and you don’t have to feel embarrassed by it at all! i think the best thing you can do is explore and take it slow and steady so that you can figure out what feels best for you.

people are different and they enjoy different things. sometimes it can take a while to find out what those things are, however i’m positive that you’ll find something that works for you.

masturbation should be (first and foremost) a fun and enjoyable experience, but don’t beat yourself down if it’s stressful the first couple of tries. i suggest you do it when you have enough free time to not rush it and when you’re certain that you have the place to yourself so that you can avoid as much stress as possible. besides that, books can be helpful guides, as well as some online websites.

if you’re thinking about buying toys, do some research so that you can get the gist of what to expect and how to handle the toy you pick. most brands have discreet packaging nowadays, so that can further ease your worries if you decide to order online. if you plan on buying a dildo or a vibrator or anything that is meant to be inserted, BUY LUBE!!!!!

if you’re nervous, you’re usually not wet or at least not wet enough, and that doesn’t feel good and can end up becoming painful. so lube is a must. also make sure to clean your toys after usage with warm/hot water but don’t use aggressive soap unless it’s the intimate kind because that can mess with your ph levels if you don’t rinse it well enough!

but if you want to avoid toys altogether and don’t want to waste money on something you’re not sure you’ll even like/use, using your hand or a pillow works perfectly fine too and is a great way to discover what your body likes and how it responds to stimulation. start easy, go slow, and try not to think about it too much because that only makes it harder to achieve climax. and yeah, humping a pillow might feel a bit weird at the start, but trust me so many people do it — myself included, lmao.

good luck. <3

[sakumasmut]

Midinon here

Hey, how's it going with your life? Did anything remarkable happen?

So I've been thinking about some scenarios related to sex, and I want to know which character(s) you think fits the best to the scenario

🪑

- them making a drink for you, and secretly drugging it with an aphrodisiac

- them searching for hours about sex positions/how to do aftercare and foreplay etc, or asking their friends

- going on a date with them, and they keep teasing your thigh/crotch (consensual of course)

- doing the pocky game with them, they offer the pocky which is covered in chocolate which makes you horny

- them buying the most random sex related stuff off of an online store, like a sex pillow or a specific incense

- them trying to seduce you by trying to pole dance with something that looks like a pole like a lantern

- you finding out a secret place in their closet, which has the kinkiest shit in there, and they're just saying something like: "yeah, my buddy asked me to hide them from their s/o" or some other stupid lie

- you falling asleep on their lap, and you accidentally get too close to their crotch, making them horny. When you wake up, they're like "uh yeah you got me horny, wanna fuck?"

- them putting plushies, varying from size, everywhere on and near the bed before asking you to have sex

hi! I don’t think anything super interesting happened, just regular school and stuff. this post might get long because of my responses so I’ll put it under the cut.

drugged drink-natsume, ibara, mika, rinne. natsume is the biggest aphrodisiac enjoyer in the cast imo, so he’d want to experiment on you sometimes. ibara also has a collection of them to try out, he loves to see you desperate and needy for him. mika, I think if he hadn’t had sex with you in a while and wanted to get you to initiate it. rinne would do it for fun to fuck around and totally tease you once you come to him for help.

researching sex-mao, makoto, chiaki, nagisa, kaoru, souma

mao probably gets position ideas from his manga and has to look up if they’re actually possible to do. makoto doesn’t fuck often so he looks up guides too, always embarrassed while reading them. nagisa probably would read sex help books like the kuma sutra because of an interest in sex, and he picks up on the tips very quickly. chiaki is very nervous when it comes to sex, so he tends to ask for tips from kaoru. kaoru is actually fairly experienced, but he also gets nervous like chiaki so he looks up guides a lot even if he knows the tips already. souma is very inexperienced, and asks keito and kuro directly for advice. they usually have sound advice after the initial surprise reaction.

teasing on a date-wataru, subaru, hiyori, rinne, ritsu

wataru uses his hair often to fondle you while being discreet. subaru usually gets bored during dates and starts teasing you to get reactions, same with hiyori and rinne. if ritsu insists on going home early he’ll tease you for the quickest get out card, though he expects to pay the price later in bed.

horny pocky-natsume, niki, arashi

again natsume is the aphrodisiac guy, he’s probably the guy that made it in the first place to trick you. niki doesn’t realize the chocolate is laced, but he eats a few sticks for himself too so it doesn’t matter too much when you’re both lusting for each other. arashi thinks the pocky game is adorable, but could be spiced up more for the aftermath.

random purchases-hiyori

hiyori has the money to waste. he’s spending it all on various sex related stuff, half he doesn’t even use. at least sex with him will usually involve new gadgets every time.

pole dancing-rinne, arashi, wataru

rinne would wanna mess with you in public so he starts trying to pole dance, though he isn’t actually that good at it. arashi and wataru actually do know how to dance though, so expect to be turned on by their movements despite the odd usage of a street lamp.

closet secret-mao, makoto, keito, koga

mao and keito both have a lot of erotica material, and the more hardcore ones they have to hide in the same place they put their toys. makoto has a lot of secret kinks that he looks up online, but he does own a few specific toys to suit his tastes like beads. koga has a lot of petplay stuff that he tries to pass off as for leon, but the size of the collars and such make it obvious it’s for himself

sleep near crotch-mao, yuzuru, mayoi, mika, jun, kaoru

this fits multiple idols honestly. they all can’t help but to get hard, though their way of asking/demanding you to please them changes sometimes

plushies-mika

mika canonically loves plushes, he definitely enjoys sex even with them on the bed, or he purposefully want to keep them on for or encouragement

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

Okay, so this is going to be the only post I make about this because I’m done, I’m just so done at this point.

If you don’t ship Daemyra or you don’t like Daemon, that’s cool! You are totally welcome to have your own feelings or opinions on the character and/or pairing, that’s valid. But I am a blog that posts a lot of Daemon and Daemyra, so if that’s not your boat and you really do not want to see it, you are welcome to ignore the posts, unfollow or block. That’s your right, you are totally welcome to decide what content you see and what makes you comfortable, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.

But sending me nasty messages, both in DMs and in my asks, is taking it too far.

I’m not going to answer these individually because it’s a waste of time. It’s boring. Frankly I’ve got much better things to do nowadays. I’ve already had to go through several years of this before in a different fandom and I learnt the hard way that answering each and every one is silly, unhealthy even. I will make a blanket statement about this in general though, and it’ll be the only thing I write about it.

I don’t care what you ship, don’t ship, etc, if you’re resorting to doing something like using the r slur against an autistic person because of a FICTIONAL television show/fandom, you need to take a step back from online, from fandoms, and evaluate your life. There’s no way that you’re proving you’re right in any way if you do this.

As for the Matt Smith thing: for anyone unaware, yes, I have tickets for next month (3 weeks technically) to meet him at a London comic con. I paid a ridiculous amount of money for a bundle to guarantee a photo and autograph, and that’s on top of buying a ticket to actually get into the convention. As it is, I’m anxious about it because comic cons when you’re autistic and struggle with crowds/sensory issues is a NIGHTMARE. I don’t go to cons regularly because of that, it’s a literal hell for me. It’s so bad that I’ve had to convince my mostly-antisocial dad to come with me. I’ve also been tormenting myself and getting nervous over meeting him because I’m just anxious and nervous in general, and even though it’ll probably be a quick thing, it’s still huge. I’m scared he’ll be a dick or something, but also just because holy shit im gonna meet Matt Smith?!? Having this BS on top of my already panicking and freaking out brain is literally doing me no favours. I know none of these people care, they want to upset me, but genuinely I’m at the point where I’m debating selling both tickets (one for me, one for my dad) as well as the Matt Smith photo/autograph bundle because it’s making me ill and it’s not worth me losing anymore health over.

I literally just want to enjoy my little ship, the characters, the story of the book/show, maybe occasionally write one of my little fics. I don’t want to fight with anyone. It’s an escape from work and life, but at the end of the day, it’s fiction: it’s not real. It’s not worth getting this mad or argumentative over. Just let me ship my ship and enjoy reblogging gif posts please.

[andreamctld]

I inhale confidence and exhale fear.

chapter of life unlocked: my experience in grade 11

When it comes to my own life's book, I don't think I've ever been much of a writer. I was more of a reader. I would read and follow the plot. I never had the courage to pick up a pen and write it myself.

That is why I am starting now. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I'm sure it'll be a good one. Written in my personal style and taste.

This new chapter begins with an awakened me. I'm going to take charge. I'm going to make my own decisions, make my own moves, and chart my own path. Then, for better or worse, I'm going to stand by them all and accept the results. I recognize that I cannot control everything. So, whatever happens, happens. But it'll happen because I said so.

One of the reasons for the beginning of online classes was the pandemic. I've been taking online classes from grade 9 to grade 10, and it's finally coming to an end. A new chapter in my life has now begun. Here's to new experiences, my grade 11 experience.

Where to begin? As my junior year came to an end, I became excited regarding face-to-face classes and my senior year. I deliberated carefully about which strand I truly belonged to because I was torn between STEM and ABM. And now, as a senior in grade 11, STEM 1, I am honored to share my experience.

I recall vividly the first day of class. I was so nervous that I had to accompany Kyle, my best friend, into our classroom. When I walked into the classroom, I was greeted by new faces. Then, my two other best friends eventually arrived, Kerby and Jewel. We sit in the same row so that we won't get apart from each other. I still remember Kyle holding Kerby's shoes and throwing them in front of us and when it was still so close to us I kicked it and when I sat in my chair I lost my balance and my chair made a loud noise, and everyone in the room looked at us.

That was my favorite core memory from my first day of grade 11. After a few weeks, I got along with my other classmates. We sometimes eat together and talk about the previous school year, sometimes we buy food in the canteen together, and sometimes we go home together. Grade 11 wasn't so bad in my opinion. I feel that grade 11 could surpass all of my best memories from my junior year.

It was Teacher's Day. We prepared a cake for our adviser, Ms. Mendez, as well as chocolates for the other teachers. We came to school earlier than usual to prepare the balloons, ribbons, cake, and letter so that we wouldn't be late when our adviser arrived. We waited for our adviser to arrive as time passed and our preparations were stable. When she arrives, we throw confetti over her and say, "Happy Teachers Day, Ma'am!" She looked at us with such joy in her eyes. To me, the money and time spent on preparation were well worth it because we made our teachers happy.

After the teacher's day, I genuinely think I get along with my other classmates. Jeremy, Ella, Trisha, Mervin, Ranz, Eyrel, Sean, Maxene, Nicole, Zoe, and Catherine became my friends. We were always wandering around in different places with my best friends Jewel and Kerby. I remember when we were eating at KFC, the crew helped us find a seat and after that he said, " start na po ang business meeting."

Just thinking about these things makes me laugh out loud. I believe this is the beginning of my new chapter. This school year, I can be more of myself. I can make decisions that I can benefit from. I can talk to them without feeling awkward. When we're all having a good time, I can make loud noises and say whatever I want and they will just laughed at me.

Grade 11 STEM 1 is a lot of fun. My classmates could make us laugh even when doing the most insignificant things. With Kerby around, he can make us laugh by doing the bare minimum. Teachers constantly tell us that we're ' dead serious ' but they didn't realize we were a bunch of kids with superficial happiness.

Therefore, I can say that my first semester of 11th grade wasn't too bad. My first semester was full of joy and good memories to cherish. It still makes me laugh just thinking about and sharing what we've been through. I can proudly say that STEM 1 never gave me a dull moment. There is never a dull moment with them. I inhale confidence and exhale fear.

‘ Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. ’ - Soren Kierkegaard.

[bookishclown]

reading choices tag !

hardcover or paperback (don’t care either way) / rent or buy / reads in silence or reads with music (i’ll read in silence sometimes) / standalone or series / annotations or pristine pages (i’ll annotate on ebooks ! otherwise, it makes me nervous for some reason lol) / ebook or physical copy (but i like ebooks, too !) / dog ears or bookmarks / mismatched series or complete set / cover matters or you don’t judge (i’ll judge sometimes LOL but it’s not going to stop me from reading a book) / lend books or keep them to yourself (as long as i trust them lol !) / enjoys lit classes or despises them (i’m not in school) / browses shops or orders online (i love browsing at stores, but usually, the books i really want are only available online 😭) / reads reviews or goes in blind / unreturned books or clean library record (i did have an unclean library record lol, but that was from my mom using my library card once many years ago) / rereads or once was enough / fanfic enthusiast or a stickler for canon (don’t read ff as much these days, but i like it !) / deep reader or easily distracted / must read the book before seeing the movie or order doesn’t matter (although i prefer to read the book first, i don’t have to. and there are many examples of times where i have not) / has neat bookshelves or messy bookshelves (i have too many books to be neat 😭) / skips ahead or resists temptation / reads aloud or in your head (i’ll maybe read aloud once in a while, but usually only for a few minutes at once) / guesses plot twists or never sees them coming (that totally depends on the book)

[pwblogarchive]

January 2006

January 2, 2006

It was strange being outside of chicago on new years. If anyone remembers our apartment shows.

But the confetti was pretty and I think a girl from miss seventeen tried to kiss me on the mouth but kind of missed. Oh yeah and apparantly andrew john hurley is a dreamboat. Check the scoreboard. Tommorrow letterman and then I’m gonna buy some more heinous gear. Do you love it when I wear clashing colors as much as I do?

And why didn’t anyone tell me how amazing the movie the squid and the whale is? I told you about panic…

Over and way the fuck out.

xoxo

January 4, 2006

my top ten (er top seven) of 2005 - no records included.

bonnie dillard - she is always around to tell me how wack i am - she uses the the word "totes" and "just sayin" way too much - and actually types them! she named her dog roxie wentz and she has given me exactly two compliments in my entire life - one of which was on an outfit that she picked out for me. but she pretty much is the glue for clandestine and sometimes pete wentz. editor of filthy magazine.

nick scimeca - this kid makes the craziest faces i have ever seen in my entire life. the first time i met him we got in a snowball fight. pretty much we are in this gang together forever. he does infect, foe, and some clandestine stuff. pretty much whenever i am bummed i can call him up on the phone and hell tell me some hilarious story.

demar hamilton - i have pulled this kids underwear off every time he is around me and totally wasted. its awesome. he also has a dog living in his basement that looks like a 100 yearold teddy ruxpin. oh yeah, his band is rad.

leslie simon - me and her talk about our crushes all the time. we have a mutual love for the music of ashlee simpson and kelly clarkson. when i tell her insane stories i dont even have to say "off the record" she pretty much knows. she thinks of bright eyes and fob in the same way which blows my little mind. she is editting rainy day kids. oh yeah and writing a book about boys in tight jeans that wear eyeliner as far as i can tell but its pretty hush hush.

jonathon cecil miller/dirty - pretty much this kid is made of snakes, snails and puppy dog tails. i have nothing else to say but he is the new pauly shore - even if he always punches me for saying that. pretty much he looks like a cheeseburger with toothpicks for legs but i wouldnt trade him for the world. pretty much he is the best kid ever.

jim sevcik (or however you spell it) - this is the guy who goes and digs the little youth medium shirts out of tiny boxes in the 100 plus degrees on warped tour or freezing temp on NFT - and then takes the money out of your paws. he is definitely most underrated.

andrew simon/buck - when on the westcoast these guys function as my mother. they take us out to dinner, help me find a house or apartment, look up movie times, get screenings, help me find tours, starbucks, have the cutest baby on the planet, oh yeah and they even book shows every once in awhile.

oh well i ran out of steam. ill finish later. pretty much people that i hang out with every single day are not included on this - you know who you are.

- petey

1/04/06 Q&A

question

Pete, I really need some advice. I was a virgin until I slept with this guy. I didnt tell him I was a virgin until 2hrs. after we finished nad I told him online. Then I started freaking out because I was scared I had screwed everything up between us, which I think only made everything worse. this all happen yesterday. Did I screw everything up?

answer

the best part about when things like this happen is that eventually they become the past- if you really like this guy you could probably explain yourself to him- how you just got scared and were nervous to tell him certain things. if he is worth it, i am sure he will take the time to listen and tell you how he feels too. and if he doesn’t give you the time to do that, than he isn’t worth it anyway. you can be through with the past but that past isnt always through with you.

question

Pette what type of bass do you have?

answer

fender just made me my own- its pretty rad- red and black- super light maple neck- customized electronics and pick-ups- check out a picture of it over at: www.clandestine.buzznet.com - they say they are gonna make a real cheap version of it for people to learn on

question

the background on the site finally changed. who does that?

answer

it changes with mother nature.

question

Do you have any scars. Not like emotional scars (you can include them if you wish) but good-story-scars. Like stuff involving armadillos or something interesting like that.

answer

ive got this amazing one down the palm of my hand from when me and robby windgator (sp) climbed a fence in his back yard and my hand got stuck on a nail. it slid down the entire length of my hand- i was like 8. i have two on my right hand from when i fought a car the week before the VMAs. trust me i definitely beat the car up.

January 6, 2006 

notes on black clouds and underdogs - see also: cast all your fears away:

1. tickets will not be 50 dollars. haters are spreading this on the internet. if you buy your ticket ahead of time (not through some wack broker or on ebay or from a scalper)- average ticket price will be between 23-28 dollars - not going over 35 anywhere. we picked the venues based on how cheap we could get them.

2. the bands- we didn't want to have a tour where you had to see five bands that sounded exactly like fob. we went for variety. all of the bands are really nice guys as well. there will be special guests through out the tour and some suprises to make each show more exciting.

3. this is going to be fob's biggest show ever. we will be playing our longest set and will be including some special secrets.

4. did you expect us to just dump the dates in your laps? we are nerdy and weird and different. so we created a game. we thought it would be fun. the points will be weighted so a small town will have the same chance as a huge city to win a small suprise show. we want to play in front of kids that are excited and we know this is a chance to do this. there will still be other secret shows randomly happening.

5. close your eyes and just click. youve got it. dont worry just come out. andy will be running a kissing booth - it will be a blast.

more later.

January 6, 2006 

8:11 pm

i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad. the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them? wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you? im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine: i am just a hot mess. 

January 6, 2006

I have to say it makes me feel safe and some kind of comfort to look at the clock in the corner of the screen and know that you are awake too.

posted by: peterpumpkineater

1/12/06 Q&A

question

whats your view/opinion on racism?

answer

i love it. i mean what opinion would i have other than it is terrible. i hope thats what you expected.

question

So Pete, I have been wanting to learn how to play bass for a long time. Any idea when that HOT Clandestine bass will be available for the public? Thanks.

answer

its going to be available as a fender squire some time in the (near i hope) future. squire is fenders cheapest bass line - very affordable and a good bass to learn how to play on.

question

college dropout or late registration?

answer

“highschool graduate” its the mixtape he put out awhile ago- its pretty sweet.

question

okay crazy dream last night.. you [pete] and me making out after a show in a bed? yeah just thought id share.

answer

im pretty gross after a show. itd be better to just highfive i think.

question

pete. please stop licking the shoes of the island CEOs. i am getting really tired of turning on a tv and seeing a commercial for you guys playing at the fucking arena or a WHOS NEXT IN MUSIC? PANIC AT THE DISCO and THE ACADEMY IS mtv shit which was was totally all your -for lack of better word- fault. sometimes i think it cant get any worse but im always wrong. when is this going to end pete?!?!?!?

answer

i am kind of confused by this one- we are on island defjam records but the advertisements for our tour were made by our booking agent not island. academy is on atlantic/fueled by ramen and P!atd are on decaydance neither of those are island related. but i think i understand the gist of what you are trying to say. i understand that its hard to feel like you are losing a band you loved to “the mainstream” or to a bigger media. i want you to know how much fob turns down because we dont believe in it or agree with it- at the same time would you rather see the academy is on trl or limp bizkit?- id rather see sincere music up there. anyway, i know we’ll all still be here after this ends. hope you are there with us.

question

Peter do you ever get mad at us?

answer

sure. just the same way you sometimes get mad at me/us- but thats okay. neither of us ever seem to stay mad very long…

question

choose one: paramore. cartel. the academy is. or acceptance.

answer

the academy is. i dont really know the others too well.

question

Petey, what have you been up to this past week? xo

answer

training for the new video and working on/editting release the bats two (http://www.findthescene.com/Videos/RTB2_Trailer.mov)… oh yeah and sleeping some.

question

So what do you think of Brokeback Mountain?

answer

good love story. kind of depressing- it makes me think about how much i do not want to go camping.

question

ryan seacrest called you “heartbreaker wentz.” how does that make you feel? it made me giggle…

answer

i never broke that mofos heart.

question

I was wondering if any of you guys are superstitious

answer

i kiss clocks, make wishes on take offs and first kisses, hold my breath on graveyards - yes.

question

Im really upset because i have friends who like me have been FOB fans for the longest time and have met you guys numerous times but are really angry about the ticket prices and are complaining your just sell outs. Im mad because i dont think this and now they are boycotting your CT show.You guys were bound to get famous so why do people have to get like this? Whats you opinion on all this?

answer

our primary concern with this tour is: having a huge general admission floor space and keeping ticket prices as low as absolutely possible. we are doing our best- if you compare this tour with other tours with bands of the same size you will see the difference in ticket price.

question

so much for teh huge general floor space. i cant get decent tickets.

answer

if you get tickets early you should have no problem getting floor tickets. ask your broker when they will be releasing floor tickets as they are often released in bunches. i promise you every venue we are playing has a huge floor space- and if not me and my friends always used to just sneak down onto the floor. the security never tries to hard to stop you.

question

Have you ever had sex with a groupie?

answer

nope.

question

So after they finish the tour that they are on now Mest is breaking up. I sort of cant believe it but I was wondering - do you guys plan on sticking with us for a while longer? It is actually pretty hard to deal with bands just stopping for good…so I am hoping that you guys can be there with us for at least a while longer. Much love.

answer

honestly? some days i think fall out boy will be around for 20 more years and some days i think it might end tommorrow.

January 13, 2006 

first jt. now mr. frey. i fear that we are next.

it may just be the hour of the night or the song stuck in my head or some strange mix of it all.

i can't shake it. 

the chemists called it crossed signals.

the poets called it magical.

nowyousayimabird.

- petey

January 14, 2006 

i love how i never care about anything you say except how i always do.

that doesn't even make any sense.

late at night everything about you is an orchestra. and i am the conducter.

January 14, 2006 

4:14 pm 

"noones ever been this good for this long"

this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby.

1/16/06 Q&A

question

Thanks for deleting me off your myspace friends. Youre different than who I thought you were Peter.. : (

answer

i do not have nor ever had a myspace account… the only sites outside of this one that i use are friendsorenemies.com and livejournal. fall out boy has a myspace account but i dont even know how to work it.

question

PETER! maybe that got your attention this time :)! My question, Did your parents or siblings ever say your “stupid” or “gay” for wearing girl pants, or tight shirts..because i go threw alot of crap for wearing tight clothing and i go to a city school so either its gangsters, or me left out..please help me with gettin threw this..Also cant wait to see you guys in Hersey!

answer

kanye west wears pink polos. rob halford wears black tshirts. not that any of it matters. but how you dress should only be an amplification of who you are inside, it should not be all you are… i get teased about alot of things but you know, at the end of the day its okay to be me. im pretty sure its okay to be you too, as long as you arent like hitler or a serial killer or something insane.

January 18, 2006 

these pictures make me think of me and you before i got so crazy.

the hippo lost its momma in the tsunami. now the he hangs out with this super old turtle and follows it around. from what i've read they have developed their own form of communication.

this is insane.

these parts of life are amazing.

i will try and not forget them next time.

- petey

January 18, 2006 

the band is in chicago preparing their new homes to be moved into. mine is still in my parents cause i am a loser like that: see also why i am hanging in nyc by myself. but ive got some schemes that i am working on.

how i have been (barely) living: the hippo and the turtle, hanging out with minkus from boy meets world in north carolina, going to the mtv studios in nyc to see baby bros all growed up on trl, eating every single thing in this hotel minibar, writing, you. writing you.

- petey

January 19th, 2006 

1:55 am 

wahahahahaha. i laughed for like a million hours at the shittalking over at: www.friendsorenemies.com its way fun to see your friends make fun of you. it keeps you levelheaded. it has gone live.

January 19, 2006 

yesyesyes-ya'll. newyorkcity. hung with patd and tai backstage at TRL and tried to make them unnervous. but i was butterflies inside. but they couldnt ever let me down. the rest of the day was spent listening to the new gymclassheroes songs and working on the new video. the gch songs are insane: i can't describe them "we gotta take our clothes off to have a good time". insane. new octfall: youve probably never met these kids but they are the nicest. always calling and asking how im doing. then the hush sound: all i can say is "sweet tangerine"- 6 months from now, you will agree with me. anyway, this isn't just some preachy post. i just love watching my friends suceed and i will believe in them until the day i die. its so great to watch everyone grow up. hopefully, somewhere someone says that about me.

we contributed a song to the breast cancer one tree hill episode/compilation. we just thought it was a great cause and couldn't pass it up. we actually thought it was a really personal cause to alot of people involved so i wanted to give a really personal song to me, so we used "dark alley".

its late and alot of the things i have been working on and thnking have stalled out. but i am trying oh so hard. got some smaller shows coming up in las vegas and l.a. for the diehards so keep your eyes out.

i am in new york city but it feels so fucking foreign. the band is in chicago but there is too much to be done out here. i know there needs to be breaks but i cant get away. maybe ill see you on fuse or trl tommorrow. maybe not cause it'll be weird with out the guys- i dunno. this hotel room doesn't make any sense. my lights are on and i am in bed knowing i will never fall asleep. i am realizing people in all the buildings outside i can see lit up can probably see in here on me. but thats okay cause i am wearing some sweet pj's.

wwwilliambecketdotlove

turn me inside out.

swoon. make me easy on the eyes. it aint hard in this light. read it. write it. throw it away and come back to the phone. light up text king.

oh yeah a little bird named mouth told me: friendsorenemies.com is up - my profile is actually me over there ... yay! let's hate eachother and/or get sexy.

January 20, 2006 

dear ireland- thank you for your pretty accents and your amazing show.

dear home- i miss you

dear you- what the fuck happened to this

a real update later.

the whole world loves it when you dont get down.

January 21, 2006 

12:17 pm 

i hate you and i hope you die. yes. i realize that you will make fun of me/take stabs at me/post ridiculous pictures of me. i realize that because of this band i have given up some of my privacy and personal life. i accept that. i can laugh at myself. i realize i will get called a douchbag. i get what i get. i have begun reading things about my friends and family. that i will not accept. i read things written by people who kiss my ass to my face. i remember who you are. fuck you. bring it on me. please leave my friends and family alone. it is extremely hurtful to me. if anyone is a friend of mine out there please tell your friends. i on the otherhand am open game. i have a good laugh at all of the stuff written about me. i am silly, i realize that. thank you. 

peter

January 24, 2006

I am an arms dealer.

I sell words you could only use as weapons.

This isn't a scene it is an arms race.

I am a con artist.

A door to door salesman.

A snake oil seller. Cures for whatever ails you.

Somehow I don't hear the violins playing.

Not really the leading man type.

I am a cadaver deep frozen. Waiting for reanimation to beinvented.

Wrote "fuckoff" on my hand to remind me to call you tommorrow morning.

What do you do when everything they say about you is true?

Do you expect me to just roll over and die?

My skin has made promises.

Whether the rest of me has or not.

Writing off tommorrows every time my fingers touch these buttons.

Putting all the comforts and closeness in reverse just for you.

I think its time to re-asses some of the policies of the wentz administration.

Our approval rating is at an all time low.

In case you haven't been informed you have to take a ticket to be disappointed by me.

There's a fucking line.

Well have some goddamned order.

Its a posh and exclusive club.

I have a lifetime membership.

Make it glamorous.

Make the rumors true.

Read the sign next to the bridge "giveupallhope..." and just tie down the gas pedal.

Lie in the back.

Haven't you heard, sorrow is in.

You are the beaches of normandy the night before.

And a girl with such a sweet drink should never sit in the corner and cry about anyone or anything.

The kids on the net had it right sometimes we should fuck off and die and break up and stop ruining art.

But the kids had it right sometimes when they sit waiting in line with hands frozen out waiting to get into a room first.

The only thing I can admit is this is no masterplan. I'm trying to figure it out.

"Without the sour the sweet wouldn't taste so sweet (tangerine)".

Its 3am in leeds. This is what just crossed my mind.

Love, the fancy kid.

January 26, 2006

live via manchester holiday inn express:

first and foremost. these shows have been amazing. i think it is quite possibly because we don’t get over here often or maybe because we are playing smaller clubs… but i am thinking we need to make a stop over here more often.

i wanted to congratulate p!atd the disco on making it to number 10 on the TRL countdown. and i just wanted to put this out there: there is no way it was paid to happen. of all the bands on “new bands week” panic was the only that didn’t put up big pushes to have the video voted on. if anything this band wants to do things their own way. hence picking the song they did for the single- that was the bands choice and in my opinion they have songs on the record that could easily be bigger. it was also the bands choice to create a darker video…. as a label i can tell you that we definitely don’t have the money to spend on a “big budget” video right now- not to mention having any left over for anything else- you’d laugh if you saw the budgets we filmed the new panic and gch videos on. but i couldn’t say enough about how nice these kids are- they don’t even get how big their band is and thats a good thing… i personally would rather see great bands on the forefront of music… and yes there are lots of other bands that deserve to make it there as well- so maybe on our messageboard tell me about some great (unsigned) bands that we should check out.

other than that we’ve just been writing new songs and working on the new video. pretty soon its going to become time focus all attention on a new fall out boy record again.

got some big news for you coming up very soon…

peter lewis kingston wentz

ps 'hater dudes marry hater bitches and have hater kids’

1/26/06 Q&A

question

hey, what kind of books are you and the rest of Fall Out Boy into? p.s. tell patrick he is spectacular

answer

andy is into comics and books on anthropology/human civilization i dunno what books joe reads patrick is into reading about music i am into a bunch of different authors lately hemingway still. before he went and hung out in africa. i haven’t been reading as much as id like lately. ps the book panic has in their book club this month is a great book. its the first thing i gave ryan after reading his lyrics, it kind of reminded me of him- so if you like panics lyrics head on over and check out their book club

question

do you watch that show roseanne on nick at night. i love that show!

answer

me and my friends used to hang out with becky in evanston, il in highschool. she was not to fond of me or my friend jody.

question

ok i know this is nobodys business but yours but there is alot of stuff going around on the boards saying that the big news is your engaged just to get things straight is that it? because those people are starting to annoy me….

answer

me being engaged is most definitely not the big news.

question

in the song calm before the on take this to your grave, there is a line that says :Well theres a song on the radio that says lets get this party started, lets get this party started. did you write that line because of the song by pink called lets get this party started. just curious.

answer

yes.

question

Hey Pete. My grandma is dying (and she doesnt care) and I for real dont feel anything towards her. My mom is seriously upset, my dad is just about the same and my sisters dont know. I am suppose to tell them but how do I do that when my grandma wasnt a grandma for me but for them she was a great lady? I just want this done and over because I am kind of tired of waiting for her to die since she has been making suicide references for the past two years.

answer

that is one of the hardest places to ever be in. i remember seeing thoughts of my grandfather in my head when he died i was on tour. and i couldnt really feel sad unless i thought of it as my dad and it really freaked me out. it made me feel like i wanted to see my dad right that second. id be completely lost with out him. i think that people handle grief in different ways and the best thing we can do is try to be there for them. im sorry to hear about that though.

1/30/06 

question

my roommates and i almost got into a brawl at 4am with some drunk kids who wanted to fight us because we did not appreciate the hint of lime in their tostitos. is it just me, or is your life this ridiculous as well?

answer

it is . we were thrown out of another fob afterparty after nearly fighting the staff who was berating dirty.

question

Peter, I just got the “Panic! At The Disco” cd and I love it! could you recomened any others?

answer

the hushsound “so sudden” - myspace.com/thehushsound october fall “season of…” myspace.com/octoberfall dangerradio “party foul” myspace.com/dangerfall the academy is “almost here” myspace.com/theacademyis armor for sleep “all” myspace.com/armorforsleep shiny toy guns “all”

question

do any of you have brothers and siters? (like any single younger brothers…:) if so, who and how old?

answer

um come on this question is kind of insane. but my one dog marley is super hot for a dog. hes a good kisser though.

question

I read somewhere that Patrick was a vegitarian. Is that true?

answer

he was he eats fish and likes to talk long walks in the park with hot babes.

question

Why does patrick wear a hat all the time and why does the drummer never talk?????

answer

just to drive your pretty little head mad with these questions.

question

Okay, heres a question: Has someone you superly-duperly adored gone away? And by adored we are talking like, lets-run-away-to-isreal -and-get-hitched-without-telling-anyone adored.

answer

yes. the sinking feeling in your rotten gut is your reminder. cool sheets on your bed are your antidote.

[captainmarsupial]

another fanime for the books! the weekend isn’t over, but i most likely won’t be going tomorrow, so im gonna grieve it like it’s over right now even if i do end up going lol. had a ton of fun even if my wallet hates me for buying so much stuff :’D

yesterday we got there kinda late, around 11:30 maybe. registered and then went to get food since we only wanted to check out the artist alley and dealer hall but they weren’t open until 2. so we got tacos and then walked to get some coffee and matcha at academic. artist alley was cool, it was like wading through treacle as always but snagged some really awesome art!

i ended up seeing a print and regretting not buying it, then deciding to walk all the way around the whole thing again to find it and that taking forever. when i finally found it there was a girl there talking to the artist, and eventually she moved aside to let me place my order. she noticed my bag (i wore a clear bag &put some pcs in it) and recognized the kyu pc i’d brought where he’s eating in n out and wearing the paper hat lmao. she was like “IS THAT…….” and it turns out we both love suju TT-TT and 2nd gen groups in general. we fangirled together over snsd a little bit too lol. tbh i get a little nervous showing my suju stuff in public just bc kpop stans are so vicious online. but i was happy to make another 2nd gen friend :))) anyway, besides the print i also got a couple of gifts for my siblings.

then we left and got food again bc we were hungry already. and then returned for dealers hall!

dealers hall was super tame since it was day 1. bart had a booth so we got some merch and freebies including a cute station stamp! also found survive said the prophet’s merch booth n bought a sick ass looking shirt. tbh i was amazed fanime was able to pull them, they’re super good. as for the rest of the hall, i managed to control myself for the most part even tho there was sooo much stuff. after wandering all the aisles we went home, &i managed to squeeze in the gym after all of that.

day2! we got there hella early, like 930? and went to academic again for coffee. then we returned to the artist alley to beat the crowd, and somehow i ended up buying EVEN MORE. a couple more prints, a few mini prints and some jjk stickers. then we went to the car to put our prints away but decided we were already hungry even tho we both ate before leaving home. after lunch we went to this kpop random dance thing, which was fun but i didn’t recognize any of the new gen stuff… after that, we went to one panel about detective conan and another one about jpop oricon hits of the 2000s. soo much nostalgia from that one! i forgot about music i used to listen to like morning musume and arashi and more. and old dramas like hanayoridango. middle school me was very satisfied.

after that we checked out a car hall, got some dinner and snacks, then went to see survive said the prophet! they put on a fucking show. soo good. we were legit lucky that that was just included with our ticket, like wtf. so worth it! &really glad i brought earplugs, bc rock music is louddddd.

after the show we went to one of the dance halls and just spent some time dancing around. a girl gave me a kandi matching my haikyuu hinata cosplay, which was such a sweet experience. i’ve never been to a rave so i’ve never received kandi before! she even gave me a hug lol. maybe that’s standard practice but i thought it was so cute and kind!

then we went home. i made a sandwich bc i didn’t realize how little i’d eaten all day. &now im exhausted afffffff so goodnight!

[casspurrjoybell-23]

LOST and FOUND - Chapter 13 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

One week after visiting Harrison's grave, it was finally time for the grand reopening of Beau's Books.

Jona was obviously here with me.

My whole family was coming, as well as Ethan and Katie.

There were banners hanging outside, alerting people to the grand reopening.

I had put ads in the paper and online about it.

I had even found an old mailing list on Harrison's computer with a number of email addresses that he would send out news about the store and sales notifications to, so I used those to notify people we were opening again as well.

But I was incredibly nervous that no one would show up.

I wondered if Harrison had that same fear when he first opened the store.

The place was freshly dusted this morning even though I had spent the last month cleaning it from top to bottom.

I had purchased a tons of new releases and put them on the specified shelves.

The books that had been sitting there for the past year were placed on the older shelves according to genre and author.

I had even been reading more in my spare time so I could set up a recommendations area.

I'd forced some books on Jona as well but he'd been happy to help.

There was a new kids area and I planned on having a kids night every Wednesday night.

I wasn't the best with kids but I knew that it would bring in customers and I thought I could pull it off well enough.

I was hoping that the store would really take off because I planned on hiring at least a couple people to help me out.

Harrison had always been really stubborn and wanted to do everything himself but that just wasn't me.

I would love to have help and I just hoped I made enough money to be able to hire some employees.

It would also be nice to have people to talk to all day instead of being here by myself.

Jona was stationed behind the front counter as I ran around the place, making sure everything was in order.

"Everything is fine, baby," he called to me.

"Calm down and open the place up."

I took a deep breath and walked over to the front counter.

"This is scary," I told him.

He gave me a gentle smile.

"I know but everything is going to great. Harrison's old, loyal customers will be returning and there will be a bunch of new people as well."

He came around the counter and wrapped his arm around me.

"You worked so hard on this," he said.

"You did a great job. I'm proud of you and Harrison would be proud of you too. The place looks great and I know people will be ecstatic to shop here again... Now why don't you open the place up?"

I took another deep breath and looked up at him with wide eyes.

I was terrified... but I supposed it was time.

I headed over to the front door and took a deep breath.

I flipped the sign on the door over to open and unlocked it.

I took a few steps back, heart beating quickly.

I felt a little silly for being so nervous but it again made me wonder how Harrison felt when he first opened the store.

He mostly had a calm exterior but I was pretty sure that he had to be nervous... because this was fucking nerve-racking.

A minute passed and I went over to the front counter, sitting down on the stool set up there.

Jona came over and rubbed my back, giving me a kiss on the head.

Then, the bell above the door made a dinging noise.

I gasped and my head swung in that direction.

An unfamiliar couple walked in and I greeted them immediately.

"Hello, welcome to Beau's Books."

They smiled at me and said hello.

I asked them if they needed anything but they said they just came to look.

They went about their business and began browsing the store.

Even if they didn't buy anything, I was naming this day a success already.

There were two people in the store and it hadn't even been five minutes since I opened.

This was amazing.

I looked up at Jona with a beaming smile and he smiled back at me.

"See? I told you," he said and I glared at him a little.

The next people to show up were Jona's children, Katie and Ethan with Ethan's best friend, who I had come to learn was named Sean.

There was a round of hugs and I thanked them all for coming.

I could see that Ethan kept looking at Sean, blushing and then looking away quickly.

It was cute and I hoped he didn't get his heart broken.

I really cared about him and I wanted him to be happy.

He had said that he couldn't tell Sean about the way he felt because he would end up hating him but I believed there was always a chance.

A few more customers showed up and I was completely shocked.

Within the first hour, there were ten people walking around the store.

It may have been busier than I ever saw it.

After the first hour passed, my parents and brother showed up.

I was so happy to have them here and I realized as they looked around the store that they had never been to the bookstore before.

"This looks wonderful, Beau," Mom said and she gave me another hug.

They all hugged Jona as well and even Katie and Ethan.

"Thanks, Mom," I said with a smile.

"I want you all to pick out any book that you like, on the house."

Everyone began protesting but I hushed them up.

"I insist. Please. It would make me really happy. Plus it will help me with my recommendations shelf. So really you're doing me a favor."

Everyone smiled and they all agreed after that.

Ethan and Sean went off to look around.

I told them where the graphic novel section was, thinking they may be interested in that.

Katie and Liam went off together and they headed for the traveling section.

I knew Liam had a bit of wandering nature but he didn't often get to travel.

He had many books on different countries and I wasn't surprised he headed in that direction.

Mom headed in the direction of the cookbooks and Dad followed behind her.

I looked over at Jona with a smile and he quickly wrapped me up in a hug.

"Things are going so well," I told him.

He pulled away and nodded.

"Again, I told you so."

I stuck my tongue out at him and then pulled further away from him when I saw a few people approaching the counter.

"Hello," I said excitedly, seeing that they each had a small stack of books in their hands.

I tried to compose myself and not freak out about my first sales.

They didn't need to see that side of me.

I wrung them all up and gave them each new bags with Beau's Books printed on them.

I smiled and waved them goodbye.

Once they were out of earshot, I squealed at Jon.

"My first three sales. Oh my God."

[the-anonymous-crow]

Really want to focus on skill improvement and moving towards the kind of art I want to make next year. Bit nervous, but excited. I resisted buying courses through Black Friday so I'm just going to use free online resources and books and probably eventually some paid but not too expensive online resources. I just have to commit to my plan, be intentional while drawing, and remember my goals.

The bit I'm worried about though, is having community - it becomes very disheartening and demotivating when you're doing it on your own - which is very difficult to do without spending hundreds of dollars to have access to an online course, one-off-class, or subscription. I'm going to try my best to post what I do here. Maybe I'll eventually build some kind of community around me, but I know my progress is going to be slower and a bit lonelier without the social benefits of a class (teacher and peer feedback, and just generally having a community of people with similar interests around you).

But anyway, I'm going to try and trust the process. I don't think I should have to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to get good at art (there are now so many resources out there that I really could spend thousands) but at the same time I know that, like everyone else, I need people.

It would be cool to have a discord or something of just a bunch of internet pals, one day. To be honest I find those discord servers with a huge amount of random people a little too intimidating anyway.

Let me know if any of y'all feel this way or your experience so far.

[lyrsui]

currently working on a poetry manuscript,

and that's been true for the last four years. but around this time in 2019, i had a handful of poems, and i had some vague ideas of what i was writing about--at first i thought i was writing a satirical commentary on internet culture, but then as i wrote more and more, i had these other pieces that were like... sadder. in early versions of the book, i tried to tell a straightforward sort of "story" but the poems didn't work quite that way. so, i found other ways to sort them.

so, what have i accomplished since then?

in the fall of 2019, i probably had like 6-8 poems tops

then i signed up for a yearlong writing program at the start of 2020. it was costly, but it helped me a lot. it was a crash course in poetry. i read books. i wrote new poems. at the end of the program, mid-2021, i had something like 20-25 poems, but i was not yet at a full-length count.

i spent another year writing poems on my own. i joined a writing workshop or two but mostly i wrote in solitude. i finally got to about 35 poems by the summer of 2022. i felt hopeful.

in fall 2022, i submitted my manuscript to first book contests. i had done a lot of revising on my own. i asked a person or two to be my beta-readers. i felt good about most of my poems, as i had been diligently revising the 2019 drafts to their best, and i was nervous about the newer pieces but happy to have them included.

i received a lot of rejections. but i had two poems published online, and a third included in a horror poetry anthology. i was also named a semifinalist for one of the book contests i'd entered. these were all small wins.

i took a break from the poetry stuff to focus on school, then on job hunting. now things in my life have settled down and i am back to thinking about poetry.

i signed up for a poetry conference this weekend, where real live editors offer their genuine feedback and talk craft with us. i'm excited by the opportunity. i was given the first ten pages of notes and some of it was cutting, but goodness it's been so long since i really had sharp feedback on my work, and i am appreciative of it nonetheless. the conference runs till Monday morning. the notes are truly invaluable.

i plan to pursue an MFA in 2025, which would only be an extension of the $$$$ i am invested in my writing already. the yearlong workshop was several thousand, the conference a couple thousand as well. the manuscript consultations i plan to pay for will also run me a few hundred each, and the submission fees add up quick. truly, no one is lying when they say that writing is a pursuit mired in privilege. I am grateful to work a day job that makes a lot of all this easier, but it's cushioned work, isn't it? i recognize that more and more lately.

i am not mentioning the price tags to brag, but really just to highlight that money has felt so necessary in lieu of organic connections or inner networks. money isn't buying me placements in top tier lit mags but i feel like it is buying me the notes and feedback to guide my revision towards stronger poems that may one day be lit mag worthy.

i am excited by the work ahead. invigorated by the energy of knowing i have work worth launching into the world. i plan to use october to edit and refine, as there are many upcoming contests and i want to have better drafts to send along than i sent last year.

i plan to sign up for more paid workshops that will help me with drafting my fiction. i only have one short story under my belt, and i'd like to slowly round out that list too, eventually having three then five then ten, all in rotation to lit mags submissions too. i want my name to hold weight eventually. to become familiar.

it feels really good to have clear dreams and a clear plan for my writing career. my goal is to work on these poems and continue trying to place them. to partake in writing programs that may help me get exposure to other editors and mentors, etc. i hope that by the time i am ready to apply to MFA programs that I will be able to ask for a reference or two out of these workshops. by the time i apply for a poetry MFA, i hope to just use the published poems and an unpublished one or two as well, to feel confident about my abilities. then i'll generate a second book of poetry, who knows about what, and publish that too.

it's all fun to think about!

[stringeralong]

Netherlands, Feb 2023 - Day 3 of 4

The BIG day, most of the reason I had been so desperate to travel to Amsterdam one day. The Van Gogh Museum.

I was incredibly lucky to be able to buy tickets such short notice, as word is they sell out fairly quickly and it’s nearly impossible to get tickets on the day. I bought my ticket for Sun 5th Feb on Thurs 2nd as soon as I had booked my coach.

But first, breakfast. And in true British spirit, I had to try an ‘English Breakfast’

Majestic: €20.50 (£18.41) for: fried egg, slightly toasted bread, mushrooms, baked beans, roast tomatoes, crispy bacon bits and small sausages + apple juice.

They saw me coming, right? I dropped the ball on this one by walking through a pretty touristy square with an empty stomach and heading towards the first place that did something resembling food. The food wasn’t bad, mostly pretty nice, but the price was unfortunate and I didn’t actually really want it but I had already sat down and been encouraged to order a drink. It filled a hole.

I hopped on the Metro and then a Tram using my pass from the day before and headed to the zoo!

Artis €27.50 (£24.70) entry. I think this also includes the aquarium but it was closed for refurbishment at the time :(

I love a good zoo, but my bad zoo habit is that I’m mostly interested in the random local birds that just happen to be hanging out. They had some cool animals such two beautiful huge Jaguars, a golden and a black. I couldn’t get a decent photo of either of them but I managed to get a video of the wonderful chuffing sound.

After managing to avoid spending any money in the gift shop, a true achievement for me, I hopped back on the tram and headed to the Van Gogh Museum.

I was early, obviously, so I went for a spot of lunch.

Irish Coffee + panini: Small Talk €14.20/£12.75

Then it was time, for Clare to drown in the sweet sweet sorrow of the Van Gogh Museum. The (almost) the entire reason I had made this trip, why I had suffered on a coach packed in like sardines, why I had drained my bank account. I actually felt nervous as I walked to the entrance.

What if it didn’t live up to the hype?

It was everything I needed it be to.

I got to see many paintings for the first time in person. Everything was a totally different size than I was expecting. It was overwhelming and emotional being so close, getting to see the texture and brush strokes. There were some paintings and sketches I had never even heard of, and it was great getting to hear and read the stories behind them. I fell in love with these lil guys.

The audio guide was interactive and had visuals to accompany the segments. It wasn’t actually too busy either, as if the museum has capped it a good amount. Realistically, they could have sold more tickets to churn a profit but everyone would have had a worse experience so I was pretty impressed.

My entry was from 15.00, but the kind people at the door let me in from 14.45 (although it seems to be something they do often as a standard rule rather than a special acceptation for me), and I was there until just before close at 17.00. So I spent about 2 hours wandering around, sobbing quietly.

Here I am looking like a doofus with my tattoo and the work that inspired it. Head of a Skeleton with a Burning Cigarette by Vincent Van Gogh and the Tattoo by Kate. Shout out to the poor lady I wrangled into taking this for me (she took a load which was very kind).

Vincent Van Gogh Museum €20.00/£17.91 online + Audio Guide €3.50/£3.14

Completely worth every cent. I understand that enjoying the Van Gogh Museum is not exactly a unique thought or experience but there we have it. Lives up to the hype, and for me personally it surpasses it. But that's just one mans opinion.

After emotionally recovering on my journey back to the hostel, I had a few drinks in the bar and bullied a stag do. I did buy them some shots to make up for it though.

[surveysand]

forty-six.

Do you have an alarm clock? What time is it set to wake you up? yes, it's set to 8 am. i have to take a medicine that time everyday.

Do you like knock-knock jokes? they've definitely lost their appeal over the years, lol.

Are you currently more hungry or thirsty? thirsty.

Are you waiting on anything right now? my groceries to be delivered.

Do you prefer your singing voice or your talking voice more? talking voice.

The last person you met for the first time: What do you think of them? they were very nice.

Have you ever been described as shy? Is it true? yes, i used to be incredibly shy when i was younger. it wasn't until high school that i really began to come out of my shell. now, i think some people would describe me as one of the most comfortable people when in public, lol.

Name the last awkward moment you encountered: when i was on the phone with someone reaching out about a job i applied to. the call's connection wasn't the best and i was having trouble understanding him because of it, so i had to keep asking him to repeat stuff. i also have bad hearing to begin with.

If I could make you anything to eat right now, what would you want? i had lunch not too long ago, so i'd just want some cookies or something as a small dessert.

Do you prefer earphones or the ear-muff style headphones? earphones.

What colour are your jeans / trousers? (pants) black.

Do you type pretty quickly? yes.

Do you remember when you first went on the internet? yes, i was really young and i was watching music videos on youtube.

What do you smell of currently? my perfume.

What was the last gift you received? i'm not sure.

Are you religious? Is this something you were raised with or developed? no. i was raised catholic, but left the church officially in high school. i stopped believing in middle school.

When was the last time you saw rain? a few days ago, but it looks like it might rain today.

How often do you forget important things? not often. i'm too paranoid.

What is one way someone could completely put you off on a first date? being discriminatory.

What about a way someone could make you like them more on a first date? ask about my interests and what they would like to try with me.

Do you enjoy going to gigs / festivals? yes, it's one of my favorite things to do.

What was the last music video you watched? Did you like it? i rewatched "wildest dreams" by taylor swift.

Times tables: Which one did you learn first? probably just ones, lol. they're the simplest.

Do you ever buy people random gifts? (When it’s not their birthday, etc) yes.

Are you more prone to blackheads or spots / pimples? i rarely get acne, but when i do, i get pimples.

Do you fiddle with the phone cord when you talk on the phone? i've never had a phone with a phone cord.

Do you refuse to use public toilets? i try my best not to, but i will if i really need to go.

Do you save your online browsing history? yeah, i don't have a reason to delete it and it automatically saves.

How many books have you read this year? two.

Are you good at guessing things and being correct? sometimes.

If you could have any colour as your natural hair, which would you choose? the one i have now. i think it suits me best.

Does your voice change when you talk to certain people? when i'm talking on the phone with people i don't know, my voice goes higher in pitch, lol. same for when i'm ordering at restaurants, checking out at stores, etc.

How often does your computer freeze up? never.

What do you do when you’re nervous? bite my lips.

[survey--s]

478.

Was your childhood wasted by something? The only thing I’d change is how much time I spent in childcare - both my parents were pretty focused on work and it meant that, at times, it felt like they didn’t have much time left for me.

Would you rather die during an adventure or die like a normal person? I want to die in my sleep - totally oblivious.

Have your parents ever put you on a diet? Not a diet as such, but they were hyper-focused on healthy eating when I was growing up and it could be a bit...extreme sometimes.

Have your parents ever tried to commit suicide? Not to my knowledge.

Do you have a gag reflex? Yeah - a really sensitive one.

Do you ever fantasize about trying drugs? I’m too paranoid about the consequences to ever do drugs, but if I knew I could try them all safely with no potential to become addicted etc, I absolutely would.

Have you ever put gum in someone’s hair? No. I did put it in my own fringe once though lol.

Would you rather have sex before you’re married or wait till marriage? I’m glad I didn’t wait until marriage.

Have you ever not gone to school, just because? Not school, but I skipped a lot of university simply because I couldn’t be arsed. Do you know anyone who can play the bagpipes? No, I don’t think so?

Have you ever let someone hit you? Playfully, sure.

Do you own a hand warmer? No.

Do you have friends in other states/countries? Sure, mostly online friends.

Do you ever pay attention during church? I never go to church.

Have you ever broke a window? No.

When was the last time you freaked someone out? I have absolutely no idea.

Have you ever gone on a date with a weirdo? Hahah, yes.

Who’s the last person you called a bitch? I have no idea.

Do you drink kool-aid? I’ve never had it before.

Have you ever dropped something hot on your foot? Yeah, I did that just the other day actually lol.

Do you watch porn?: No. I tried it once and it just made me laugh lol. Have you ever missed someone you hated? Sure.

Is anyone in your family disabled? No.

What do you want for Christmas? Uh, we’re only in March, but I guess money? I would be asking for riding stuff but my instructor is having to stop at the end of next month and I’m GUTTED.

How many moles do you have? Hundreds. I’ve always had them.

Do you make your bed everyday? Yeah, I make it every morning before I leave for work.

Do you know how to ride a bike? Sure.

Do you own any comic books? No. I remember buying the Beano every week as a kid though.

What is the nastiest dare you have ever committed? I never liked playing that game.

Do you know anyone who has been raped? Yes.

Are you an atheist? Yes.

Have you ever owned a goldfish? No.

Who was the last person to call you beautiful? Uhh, probably my husband.

How many times have you been stung by a bee? Just the once. I’m more scared of hornets to be honest - nasty fuckers lol.

What was the last flavor of gum you chewed? Spearmint.

When was the last time you used tape? Uh, last week but I’ll need to use some later as I have a treat box I need to make up for posting tomorrow.

When was the last time you said fuck? Today.

Have you ever stolen something? Yeah, but nothing huge.

What’s the last movie you watched? Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Who’s the last person you watched a movie with? Does the dog count? lol.

Where were you yesterday at 5 PM? Right here, probably doing the same thing I’m doing now lol.

Who would you like to kiss right now? I’m good.

When was the last time you had tic tacs? Years ago. I only ever really liked the orange and lime ones.

When was the last time you ate chicken? Uhh...I want to say Wednesday, maybe?

Who was the last person you told to ‘Shut the fuck up’ to? Mike lol.

Why were you last nervous? Taking Archie to the vets on Tuesday. Thankfully it appears his lump is shrinking so even if it needs removing, hopefully it’s not cancer.

Whose pants did you last take off? Mine.

When was the last time you were disturbed? I don’t remember.

Why did you last feel awkward? I had to drop a dog off to a client who was organising his dad’s funeral :/ how do you even behave in that scenario lol.

When was the last time you got in a fight with your best friend? We’ve never had a proper fight.

Have you ever asked someone for a tampon? Yes.

Who was the last person you read a book to? Uhh, I don’t know. I’ve maybe read an extract to my mum?

Who is the person you say the most naughtiest things to? Mike.

Who was the last person to send you a letter? Susie.

Do you like cupcakes or muffins more? It depends on my mood.

Have you ever pushed someone on purpose? Yeah.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Yeah, in self-defence and in play.