#but... that's never going to be me
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there’s a special kind of grief you feel towards yourself when you’ve been mentally ill for as long as you remember. you see ppl saying they long to return to their old self but you don’t have an old self, or if there was, you can’t remember it. ur “old self” was a child. this self is all you’ve ever known. then there’s the fear that comes with trying to find out who you are without your mental illnesses, it’s all new to you and you don’t know if you’ll like who you’ll be
#it's... entirely too real#but... yeah...#the thing where you'll never 'be normal again' because you never were#and the shire can't be saved for anyone but especially not for you#I worry that this is going to read as deliberately unhealthy blackpilled doomerism shit#but also... it's important to me to be able to talk about mental illness as a chronic illness#because that's the reality for some of us#we can't count on not being mentally ill and postpone living our lives and trying to be happy until then#we have to find how to manage our illnesses and live the best life we can under the constraints that our illnesses impose upon us#which can be incredibly alienating when the predominant discourse around mental health (never mental illness lol) is about 'getting better'#in a complete and permanent way#I am very happy for people who experience depression or anxiety as an acute episode of illness that they eventually completely recover from#and get back to 'the old them'#but... that's never going to be me#and that's kinda sad#I'm so much better than I used to be but my best will always be compromised#and some people will always see that as a personal failure of mine#and my acceptance of being ill longterm with flare ups that are more severe occasionally as being defeatist and 'giving up'#bitch I try so hard#it's a full fucking time job managing my illnesses#and I'm still never going to do it well enough for you!#because you want a version of me who never has and never will exist except hypothetically!
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also deciding to make stuff that 12 year old me would have wanted to draw
#i dont even care im never escaping the sexyman enjoyer allegations#cringe is dead let me draw the sexyman this is literally tumblr#gravity falls#bill cipher#dipper pines#mabel pines#i have more but i gotta go back to work so maybe ill post it tmr who knows
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#funny talking tag#My favorite thing to do is HC characters as trans but also that they've never heard that term before and act accordingly.#My other favorite thing to do is make characters repressed.#My other other favorite thing to do is make a character go ''I feel like a(n) object/animal/thing pretending to be a man/woman''#''but I don't really care about that right now I have a job''#Anyway while this post can be about whichever characters you feel fit I made this with a certain character in mind.#(Dimentio of SPM fame) (He has something really specific going on that makes me cackle) (You can ask me about it)#(Also Morceau Oleander is a trans woman to me because she would be happier)#(and she deserves to live a life not defined by other's expectations of her)#Someone put a forbidden and ancient curse on this post so no more.
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like. imagine seeing your sibling at 18. and then not seeing them again until you’re 28. and then not seeing them again until you’re both 58. but you’re identical twins so every time you look in the mirror you wonder if this is what they would’ve looked like.
imagine never needing glasses but your brother did, and then in your adulthood your eyes get worse and you suddenly need glasses and you pick out the same frames your brother wore.
imagine always protecting your brother growing up cause he was different and kids picked on him. but you always protected him. and then you have a falling out and neither of you speak for years, and then finding out that in those years you didn’t speak, he was being isolated and tortured by a monster and didn’t think you’d come if he called. but then he calls and you go. and his house has blood on the floor in every room and writing on the walls and his journal devolves into paranoid ramblings. and you can’t protect him because you showed up and he got ripped away. and you can’t even ask him what the writing or the blood or the state of the house means because he’s gone. and you don’t have a penny to your name so you have to clean the blood up yourself and fix the house and live there. so you board up his room.
#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#ford pines#pines twins#stanley pines meta#stanley they can never make me hate you#i was texting L and this tumbled out so it’s going on here
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love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking
#yes i want things to be free like ??? that is not a weird desire#'but but it costs money to keep up' ok and? how is that my problem#the government has plenty of murder dollars they could reallocate a few to make internet services universal if they wanted#also these companies were perfectly capable of supporting themselves before the internet got drowned with ads so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#edit: muting notifs on this post bc new additions have kind of petered out#so no one feel bad about adding something someone else has said‚ it is not bothering me im just trying to keep my#notifs page cleanish lol#also since i saw some people are being redirected to read my tags: firstly hiiiiii this is a special secret message for you:3#secondly i have learned since making this that the reason they were able to support themselves previously was because#of investors bankrolling everything#and theyre now finally realizing that theyre never going to actually make a profit and arent as willing to invest#however thats just a minor correction and doesnt change my overall point#once again. so many murder dollars#so thats why im just adding it here in the tags rather than making an actual correction#anyways . love yall 💕#origibberish#bigger gibbers
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Like. Autism doesn't come with an automatic love of hearing anyone infodump about anything they love. In fact sometimes it comes with the opposite. Sometimes restricted interests are in fact restrictive enough to make anything else boring. Sometimes it's just hard to process that much speech. Doesn't mean we get to be unkind about it either but yeah. This fantasy people push of autistics having endless energy and appreciation for each other's special interests is just not realistic.
#not fully related to that poll just got me thinking#i am not going to pretend autism never makes me unfriendly and hard to connect with#actuallyautistic
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no offence but the reason tumblr is “dying” is, well, yes, of course the cursed like/reblog ratio and the change in user behaviour (because of people being used to how instagram and tiktok work) BUT also the lack of weekly shows. i say it with my whole chest, they don't produce captivating and engaging stupid weekly tv shows anymore because streaming killed that so you have spikes of activity here when Something happens in general fandom or up to three days after a new season of whatever drops and then it's a wasteland. this is obviously an old woman yelling at a cloud missing supernatural and the vampire diaries and pretty little liars and all these other shows type of post but honestly give me back weekly tv shows where i have something to watch for 40 minutes almost every day of the week after work so then i can read and reblog it on tumblr give it back for the sake of my sanity
#we used to be a proper country#or something#this post is brought to you by me coming back from work and being like okay what now 🧍🏻♂️#i mean obviously i have stuff to do but these are just chores and what i need what i have been programmed to need is a 40 minute long#episode of stupid cw show with a gay ship that's never gonna go canon... :(((#tumblr#fandom
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this is just my opinion but i think any good media needs obsession behind it. it needs passion, the kind of passion that's no longer "gentle scented candle" and is now "oh shit the house caught on fire". it needs a creator that's biting the floorboards and gnawing the story off their skin. creators are supposed to be wild animals. they are supposed to want to tell a story with the ferocity of eating a good stone fruit while standing over the sink. the same protective, strange instinct as being 7 and making mud potions in pink teacups: you gotta get weird with it.
good media needs unhinged, googling-at-midnight kind of energy. it needs "what kind of seams are invented on this planet" energy and "im just gonna trust the audience to roll with me about this" energy. it needs one person (at least) screaming into the void with so much drive and energy that it forces the story to be real.
sometimes people are baffled when fanfic has some stunning jaw-dropping tattoo-it-on-you lines. and i'm like - well, i don't go here, but that makes sense to me. of fucking course people who have this amount of passion are going to create something good. they moved from a place of genuine love and enjoyment.
so yeah, duh! saturday cartoons have banger lines. random street art is sometimes the most precious heart-wrenching shit you've ever seen. someone singing on tiktok ends up creating your next favorite song. youtubers are giving us 5 hours of carefully researched content. all of this is the impossible equation to latestage capitalism. like, you can't force something to be good. AI cannot make it good. no amount of focus-group testing or market research. what makes a story worth listening to is that someone cares so much about telling it - through dance, art, music, whatever it takes - that they are just a little unhinged about it.
one time my friend told me he stayed up all night researching how many ways there are to peel an orange. he wrote me a poem that made me cry on public transportation. the love came through it like pith, you know? the words all came apart in my hands. it tasted like breakfast.
#warm up#writeblr#actually this is because again i don't go here#i don't read/write fanfic but i have nothing but respect for my troops#but i also have never played minecraft. im sorry. please ask me any question about pokemon tho i love that shit#anyway#out of some banal and thoughtless curiosity i watched the minecraft movie trailer#and again i know nothing about minecraft. i am aware im in an endangered population#but im watching this going: this is so fucking.... BAD#there is NO LOVE in it!#like if someone who has NO history in minecraft watches that and is like - ohhh this is soulless#WHO IS THE AUDIENCE????#ppl who love minecraft are gonna hate it!!!#at some point it's the ''mean girls musical movie'' problem --#some people will always hate the premise of what you're doing and some people will love it#make it for the ppl who love it#and usually that somewhat convinces the haters to like. chill enough to TRY it . bc it IS good#but when you try to make it for the haters..... nobody likes it. it doesn't have passion. energy. footwork#which is a small way of saying a big thing: if you love something. fucking make it and assume someone will love it too.#i love u . be brave . be bold. be in boston and come to my reading#where i wrote a really weird fucked up little book.#love u love u love u etc
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its true that romance amd friendship will not solve everything but. objectively speaking its very hard to get sad when you can say 'lets go get cake tomorrow okay' and someone will go get cake with you. like there is some good at least. you know
#i think this is why ive been so much more geniunely happy these last few years#like. i will never be going to bed alone. i will always have someone who wants me here#i will always have someone to say 'im sorry im not feeling very well now' and they will be concerned instead of being annoyed#at you as if those feelings are an inconvenience#scratchpost#txt
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Hold on, don't let go...
#aesthetics#photography#text#art#fashion#dark academia#hands#never let me go#never let you go#holding hands#light academia#film stills#kdrama#intimacy#humanity#people#love#lovers#aesthetic#moodboard#meaepost
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Dungeon Meshi, or as I like to call it, Marcille's-increasingly-difficult-to-ignore-revelations-that-her-endless-devotion-to-Falin-may-in-fact-be-more-rooted-in-lesbianism-than-she-originally-thought
#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi spoilers#delicious in dungeon spoilers#dunmeshi#dunmeshi spoilers#farcille#marcille donato#falin touden#falin x marcille#let's go lesbians let's gooooooo!!!!#listen I fully respect those who ship farcille starting from their school days it is very good#but I find it FAR funnier to think that Marcille does not realize her feelings are super not-platonic actually until WAY late lmao#let's pretend i can draw#I. genuinely don't know if this needs a mature label or any cws or not. I never draw anything that normally toes that territory lmaoooo#tumblr please don't get mad at me if I tagged this wrong!!! T_T
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your last light
#artists on tumblr#every now and then i go on instagram for the sole purpose of crossposting art there#i open the page and the first thing i see is#A*I STUDIO#blasted in my face#i try to ignore it#and click the create button#and it asks me if i want to make a new post or#A*I CHARACTER#and i just close the page#born at the worst possible time in history to be an artist#never liked insta anyway but man
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I like to think that Vulcans who come to understand that Humans just can’t try to process emotions the same way as them, it’s just healthiest to let it out in harmless ways, decide that venting and stuff should be taken just as seriously as Vulcan’s meditation time, and will encourage the Humans around them to complain about what’s upsetting them
People who are used to aloof Vulcans who avoid Humans at all cost running into one comforting a Human
“-and then they said my cheesecake was subpar, and they didn’t even bring a dish!!!”
“The purpose of this event was that every participant brings a food item of sorts, correct?”
“Yeah!!”
“And they did not follow this rule while insulting dishes that were brought?”
“Mostly just my dish but yeah >:(“
“How illogical”
“That’s what I’m saying!!!”
#star trek#Vulcans#Humans#not based on a specific thing#but I used to know this annoying couple that were ‘family friends’#who would show up to potluck dinners and the like and would either bring nothing or bring something really just. out of left field?#like a bag of frozen chicken to a bbq#and then proceed to make sure they are first even if it was stated to let kids go first#would take HUGE amounts before anyone else got a chance to get a plate#and then make off with the leftovers again even if they were already claimed for#and it wasn’t a food insecurity thing trust me I would never speak bad about a person getting food if that was even a remote chance#the adults who raised us knew them really well and we’d been to their house a ton of times#they were just dicks#and yeah. they’d occasionally insult the food. while eating the MAJORITY of it.#it was so weird at their home they would go out of their way to get the healthiest options possible#you know the really bland tasteless expensive stuff that apparently was healthier#but then if they were visiting our house they would. eat all our unhealthy snacks.#that always pissed me off so much as a kid because we actually had a food insecurity thing going on#and also a variety of other reasons that are a bit too depressing to bring up on this post#but anyways we’d hardly ever get to have nice snacks#and this couple would just take them all??? even after we’d tell them repeatedly that it was ours and those snacks weren’t gonna be#replaced#hated that couple#if you’re wondering why they were ‘family friends’ it’s because the couple who raised us#(it feels weird to type it out like that but apparently legal guardians doesn’t fit since they never finished petitioning 💀)#liked having them around because it made them look like ‘such great Christian’s’ being nice to the people#that no one else wanted to be friends with#I always thought that was a really weird and fucked up reason to be friends with someone#this got long sorry 😭
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And lemme know your age (if you feel comfortable!), and when you got your first phone in the tags!
If these options are scuffed I'm sorry, I genuinely have no clue how many phones people are "supposed" to have had (hence the poll)
#polls#I'll go first: I'm 22 i got my first phone at 12 and im on my 3rd phone#never broken one but i left the last one on the feckin bus :(#it was a hand-me-down from me mum so it had a good life#lost me damn photos tho
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if viktor was a worm jayce would build the most beautiful enclosure for him and would spend all his free time staring at him and feeding him leaves and i think this is deeply devastating. he loves him in the purest of ways and the affection was NEVER one sided jayce and viktor always loved each other and they always will to some extent
#jayvik#jayce talis#viktor arcane#arcane spoilers#viktor the machine herald#arcane#like. even should viktor never go back to his true self. the version of him that was fully himself loved jayce and forever will#they are so dear to me
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to lose you
#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sth#im insane im crazy i have to end it all i saw a singular dialogue in sonadow gens that made me go so fucking crazy dude im in tears#i dont subscribe to the sonic as reincarnated maria theory but how beautiful is it that shadow always had somebody in his life#that loves the earth more than anything else#somebody who wants him to see its beauty no matter what#that will never give up on him#he has never been without that#despite all his pain#sonic x shadow generations#sxs generations#shadow#sonic#sonic fanart#sonic art#sonic fandom#sonic series#shadow fanart#sonic the hedgehog fanart#art of crane
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