ironladders · 3 days ago
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"I circled half the globe searching for him, but he was gone."
Starscream ;_;
RIGHT?? IT'S SO SAD .
and i have sooo many thoughts about this whole situation with skyfire/starscream that's been presented to me, if you dont mind anon im gonna use your ask to ramble a little
(disclaimer im sure nothing i have to say here is particularly new & has been said by those who've been deep into TF longer than myself but i need to get this out my system anyways. and also im still watching through g1 so if im horribly mistaken about anything #oops)
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unless i missed something, i don't think it's specified in "fire in the sky" how long starscream looked for skyfire?? but just thinking about that line.... he obviously didn't immediately go back to cybertron, he didn't just give up on skyfire. starscream cared about skyfire enough to look for him, only leaving after (i assume) he realized he didn't have the resources to conduct a proper search for his companion. and i mean can you imagine being starscream in that situation???? your partner just disappears into a storm, and no matter how far and long you look you're unable to find them????????
i get starscream, man. i'd also become awful if that happened to me.
and here's the thing: i stumbled upon this post which posits that the decepticons happening to stumble across skyfire in the ice was no incident, but starscream's own doing, and i LOVE this theory/headcanon so much. when i first watched the episode yesterday i was thinking that it was funny they just happen to be mining right where skyfire was frozen so it's nice to see my suspicions affirmed LMAO
i honestly love that episode so much because as i learn more about starscream and transformers as a whole i think little tidbits like that offer a deeper look into who he is (or was, idk) beyond just megatron's second-in-command. he was a scientist, an explorer, a friend. "was" isn't even the proper word here, because he still is all of those things, he just...... applies them differently, i suppose. which is the real tragedy in who he is as a character.
beyond starscream and his search for skyfire, you wanna know what i've REALLY been thinking about a lot with these two? when skyfire becomes a decepticon (for like a day lol but still), starscream immediately declares that when he overthrows megatron, skyfire will become his second-in-command. not any of the other seekers, not either of the waves, not literally anyone else who's been a decepticon for more than an hour, but skyfire. his long-lost science partner. on starscream's end, virtually nothing about his relationship with skyfire has changed. he still trusts him as much as he did millions of years ago, to the point he'd be willing to have him at his side as leader of the decepticons.
but on skyfire's end... the starscream in front of him is different from the one he knew. war and being a decepticon changed starscream for the worst, something that unveils itself very quickly to skyfire. one of the first things he asks starscream after becoming a decepticon is if starscream is genuinely happy about being a decepticon warrior over the scientist he used to be. skyfire can't believe that the person standing in front of him could be the starscream he once knew before being frozen. still, it's starscream, so skyfire ends up going along with things up until he can't ignore his morals and deny that he's on the wrong side anymore.
that is where the second tragedy happens for starscream: betrayl, by the man he'd waited to get back for so long. he finally got skyfire back, only to lose him all over again.
if skyfire had never crashed that day -- if they'd never gone closer to explore the earth in the first place -- would starscream had gone down such a dark path? would he have taken countless lives, and become the ruthless decepticon he is now? does it eat at skyfire, knowing that in his absence starscream lost who he once was? or perhaps he'd still be the same starscream, but skyfire would be at his side serving the decepticon cause. maybe they both would've been so drastically changed by the years of cybertron's war together.
skyfire is a living, formerly frozen relic of the past before everything went wrong. starscream has aged far beyond that, to the point of no return. as much as they surely both want it, and regardless of what happens to them, their bond can never go back to what it once was.
god i just. i need more!!! i need to watch more transformers and read more of the comics and see more of these two!! i watched tfp + some of the live action movies as a kid but this is my first time learning about skyfire and this thing he's got going on with starscream and it's fascinating to me i can't believe i didn't know about this before!!!!! but it's also so fucked up oh my god!!!!!
ok yeah ive gotten the brainworms out my system. idk how to end this here's screenshots i took that i found funny
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mint-yooxgi · 1 day ago
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Kinktober Day 30 - Yandere!Fallen Angel!Seonghwa + Somnophilia & Body Worship
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Anonymous Said: Seonghwa from ateez. Consensual Somnophilia & Body worship. Yandere & fallen angel or guardian angel. A/n: I am SO sorry that this is late, life has just been a bit hectic lately. Again, it's Hwa, so I couldn't help myself. It's not as long as I was originally going to make it, but I like where it ends honestly. He's intense in the best ways imo, and I do really love how this turned out. I also have a yandere angel ateez series planned at some point where Hwa is an archangel, so I'm also really excited about that. It's heavily inspired by his Will To Power solo stage, so I hope you all can look forward to that at some point! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy! Warnings/Genre/Rating: 18+ MDNI - Smut, Mature, Established Relationship, Possession, Monster Features, Yandere, Blood mentioned in brief (not in a kinky way), Lots of religious metaphors, Overstimulation, Oral (fem. rec), Fingering (fem. rec), Squirting, Minor Dacryphilia (if you squint), There's a lot :) Word Count: 4,821 Kinktober 2024 Mini Masterlist
Park Seonghwa is a man of many emotions.
Well… technically he’s not a man, but there is no one in this universe that makes him feel more human than you. 
There is nothing he wouldn’t do for you. You are his one saving grace in this hellish landscape called earth, and he will do anything to protect that fact. No one is off limits. Nothing is too much. For when it comes to you, you deserve nothing but the best this world has to offer. 
His best. 
Seonghwa will always make sure of that.
The water feels cool against his skin despite the steam rising through the air. One of his hands is braced against the stone tiles of the shower wall, letting the flow of water cascade down his back and pool around the drain. Red streaks against his skin, little rivulets creating vein-like patterns across his figure as he washes away the horrific events of the evening.
You can never know. You will never know. 
Seonghwa has spent his whole life guarding those most precious to him. Now, you’re the only thing left that matters.
You. Who still sleeps soundly beneath the thick covers of his duvet as he steps out of the bathroom a short while later. Your features rest in a soft expression of pure bliss, chest rising and falling steadily. The light of the moon only serves to make your skin glow, illuminating every inch of you that he has always loved more than anything else in this godforsaken world.
A pleased smile tugs at his lips, eyes shining with nothing but adoration as he observes you through the dark. Lightly, he fluffs his damp hair with the towel held in his hand, the one wrapped around his waist hanging dangerously low. Small droplets of water cascade down his chest which he is quick to wipe away.
After all, you’re expecting him to join you, and he hates to keep you waiting.
With his lips curling upwards into that all too familiar loving smile, he takes a step towards the bed. Large, fluffy wings emerge from his back, deep red in colour. As he fluffs the feathers lightly, he lets the towel fall from his waist. The other is quick to join the growing heap on the floor, knowing you’ll more than likely scold him in the morning for tossing the damp material in the middle of the room.
Sometimes, Seonghwa swears he does these types of things on purpose just to hear you scold him. The way you shake your head in exasperation, muttering about whatever it is he’s done this time makes him all giddy inside. It means you’re paying attention to him. It means you care.
Or maybe he just enjoys making things up to you in any and every way he can.
A massage here. Breakfast in bed there. Perhaps even you allowing him to get lost in that glorious heat that rests between your legs, making you shake in uncontrollable bliss.
After all, it is one of his absolute favourite pastimes.
Seonghwa thought he knew what it meant to worship something, or someone, wholeheartedly. That is, until he met you.
All of the time in the world is still too short of an eternity to be spent with you by his side.
The stars pale in comparison to you, for you hold entire galaxies in your eyes. Your smile warms his very soul each and every time he sees that glorious expression stretch across your face. All music sounds dull whenever the melodic symphony of your laughter filters through the air. Not to mention how strong and intelligent you are. 
Kind, witty, caring… The list of your perfections continues to grow everyday, and everyday he knows you is a blessing beyond his wildest dreams. Seonghwa could spend hours lost within the confines of your mind, learning everything there is to know about you, and so much more. Each new discovery is a revelation of the highest regard, and he strives to satisfy in every way.
Every word you speak is gospel, and he is your most devout follower.
Lifting the covers gently, Seonghwa slides into bed beside you. He’s extra careful to not disturb you, not wanting to accidentally wake you at this time. Still, he cannot help but shift closer, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his chest. The way you subconsciously turn into him, snuggling deeper into his embrace only serves to make him smile.
Even in your dreams, you always know how to find your way home. To him.
Subtly, his arms tighten around you, placing a tender kiss to the top of your head. His wings wrap around you, encasing you in a soft red cocoon and ensuring your safety. Your comfort and wellbeing are his number one priorities, and once he knows you’re settled in his embrace, he fully allows himself to relax. 
Soon, his own eyes are fluttering shut, drifting off to meet you inside of your dreams.
A few hours later, Seonghwa is blinking awake. His head now rests on top of your chest, your arms cradling him to you in your sleep. 
Despite such a short bout of rest, he feels refreshed, having slept deeper with you safely wrapped in his arms. Gladly, he melts into your embrace, breathing in your scent and letting everything you completely surround him.
The moon still rests high in the sky, a gentle breeze drifting through the slight crack in the open window. The room is quiet, nothing but the soft sounds of your mingling breaths filling the space.
Seonghwa holds you tighter. Turning his head, his lips press tenderly against your chest, just above your heart. His hair tickles your skin, and you shiver lightly from his touch.
Peeking his dark gaze upwards, Seonghwa studies your features. Your brow seems to be furrowed slightly in discomfort, and a moment later, you squirm lightly beneath him. Your nails suddenly dig into the skin of his shoulders, a soft, muffled whimper escaping your lips.
Worry tugs at his features as he reaches a hand up to soothe your brow. He’s quick to cup your cheek, thumb brushing gently over your skin as he lifts himself slightly above you. Intently, he studies your face, searching for any signs of what may be the problem.
That’s when it hits him. You must be having a nightmare.
Just as he shifts his hand to your shoulder in attempts to wake you up, you let out a sound that has him freezing above you.
His name. You moan his name.
A smug grin tugs at the corner of his lips as he realizes what’s really going on here. Pride swells in his chest at the fact that he could make you dream of him like this, knowing how often he dreams of you. What serves to make this moment ever better is when you let out another small whimper, tightening your hands on his shoulders as your hips jerk upwards against his own.
“Pretty Girl,” His low voice purrs out. “What could you possibly be dreaming of, hmm?”
Cocking his head to the side, he stares down at you. His chest is pressed flush against your own, forearms supporting him on either side of you as he settles more comfortably between your legs.
Leaning into you, he begins to place soft kisses against your cheek. Slowly, he trails his lips down your jawline, tracing over your pulse, then back up again. All the while, that same smirk tugs at his features.
His nose nudges tenderly against your jaw.
“Why live in a fantasy when I can make all of your dreams a reality?”
More kisses are placed upon the skin of your neck as he slowly begins to make his way down your body. His touch is feather light, wings twitching excitedly in the air behind him as he tugs your shirt down gently. The straps of your tank top easily slide down your arms, and with a quick movement, he’s snapping them as if they were nothing but brittle string.
The sound of tearing fabric echoes around the room as he shreds through your shirt, pausing lightly to check on you. He forgot how loud that could be, his mind having been focussed on exposing you to the most pleasure that he can give you. Of course, that meant exposing you, but he doesn’t want to wake you from your blissful slumber quite yet.
Not even his chest rises or falls with breath as he hovers above you, watching you closely for any signs of movement. After a little while passes with your eyes still shut, steady breathing and soft whimpers still falling from you, he breathes a sigh of relief.
Slowly, carefully, he discards your shirt, hands beginning to trace over your sides. His touch is gentle, eyes taking in every bare inch of skin presented to him. Nothing but admiration shines in his gaze, a dark, primal sort of lust hiding within. He’s hoping beyond anything to have you smoothly transition from your dream into reality. For when you do, he’ll be ready and waiting with open arms.
There is nothing more rewarding to him than your pleasure. The fact that he alone is the only one able to bring you to such ecstasy makes his heart swell with so much love and pride within his chest. Only he can touch you like this. Only he lives to serve you, to make you see the far reaches of the heavens each time your eyes flutter shut in bliss. Your pleasure is his pleasure, and he could spend eternity worshipping you, all while making you scream his name.
Ever so gently, he presses his face against your chest, right in the valley of your breasts. His hands come up to cup such tender flesh, inhaling deeply as he nuzzles against you. Again, his lips press a tender kiss directly over your heart, wings fluttering in content as his thumbs tease over your nipples.
Fingers trace languidly against your skin, needing to feel every inch of you beneath his touch. Slowly, Seonghwa begins trailing feather light kisses down your body, heart fluttering in anticipation. Every second that passes, your scent becomes stronger, your thighs subconsciously squeezing around his sides. He knows you need him just as desperately as he needs you, and he does not want to waste any more time than he already has.
Reaching the hemline of your sleep shorts, Seonghwa dips the tips of his fingers beneath the band. A tender kiss is placed onto the skin of your stomach, nose nudging against you affectionately. The corner of his lips quirks upwards as he slowly begins tugging your shorts down your thighs, being extra cautious not to wake you.
Of course, Seonghwa cannot help himself. How can he when he has the most perfect being laid out before him? Temptation wins out as he presses loving kisses against your thighs with each inch revealed to him. Once he fully removes your shorts, he nearly lets out a low moan when the sight of your bare pussy, needy and already shimmering with your arousal, is presented to him.
Tossing your shorts somewhere in the room, Seonghwa is quick to run his hands up the length of your legs. His fingers ghost against your skin, breathing deepening as your scent completely immerses him in everything you. Once he reaches the tops of your thighs, his thumbs begin to softly brush against the sensitive flesh. The way you shiver beneath his touch, even while still asleep, makes him smile.
Again, he leans into you, pressing delicate kisses against the skin of your thighs. His teeth graze your flesh, teasing at you as he continues to brush his thumbs over you.
Every little sound you make, every twitch and shudder of your body, has his cock absolutely throbbing against the mattress. A carnal ache resides within him. A desperation only you can satiate. Yet, when it comes to you, he always wants more.
Finally, unable to wait even a moment longer, Seonghwa presses his face against your cunt. He noses along your slit, inhaling deeply as his whole body shudders from your scent. Teasingly, his tongue flicks out to taste you, and even the briefest touch of your arousal on his lips has him moaning shamelessly against your core.
Something within himself snaps. 
With his whole body shaking in need, Seonghwa buries himself deep in your cunt. Desperate, guttural moans escape him as he drags his tongue through your folds, eagerly suckling at the sweet nectar that flows from between your legs. His lips place a few chaste kisses against your clit before he’s wrapping them around such a sensitive little bud, suckling at you eagerly.
His eyes nearly roll to the back of his head, tongue flattening against your clit before rolling in circles. His hot breath hits your cunt with every exhale, wings fluttering above him as he groans lowly. Desperately, his hands tighten over your waist, pulling you even closer into his touch.
A pleased rumble shakes his chest once he feels your fingers tangle in his hair. The way you hold him to your cunt, tugging him in closer has him redoubling his efforts over you.
Heavy breathing permeates the room, your hips beginning to grind against his face in time with his movements. Sleep still clings to the corners of your vision, eyes barely cracked open to peer at him through the darkness. Each flick of his tongue over your clit has pleasant jolts of pure ecstasy coursing through your veins, already feeling so close to the edge as that familiar pressure builds within.
His movements are desperate, shaking his head back and forth while sucking your clit between his lips. Sharp, hooded eyes glint up at you through the shadows, his hips beginning to grind against the mattress as his fingers dig into your skin.
Again, he tugs you in impossibly closer, tongue slipping down to dip between your folds. Swirling the muscle around your entrance, he hums, pressing himself firmer into your cunt. His nose grinds against your clit, tongue buried as deep as possible within you as he licks and sucks almost uncontrollably.
The sound of your moans create a beautiful symphony around him, urging him on. He can tell you’re close. The way your thighs begin to shake around his head makes his cock twitch. His hips grind harder against the mattress, silently begging for you to fall apart with him as he brings you to ecstasy.
Wrapping his lips around your clit once more, it’s like you answer his every prayer.
Back arching from the bed, you come with a loud cry of his name. Your thighs squeeze around his head, holding him in place as he flattens his tongue against you, letting you ride out your orgasm as you grind your hips against him. Whimpers and moans echo alongside blissful sighs of his name, your heart racing as pleasure floods your veins.
The moment he feels you flooding his tongue, his eyes roll into the back of his head. With your thighs closing around his head, his pleased cries get muffled against your cunt as he comes with you. Hot spurts of his come soak into the sheets beneath his hips, fingers digging harshly into your skin. His wings flare out behind him, shuddering along with his whole body as he keeps himself buried against you.
Slowly, you begin to catch your breath.
Bringing your one hand up, you rub at your face. Blinking a few times to clear your vision, you spare a glance at the seraphim between your legs.
Dark eyes already stare up at you lovingly, a soft chuckle shaking his chest. His fingers smooth over your skin, leaning in once more to place a tender kiss against your clit.
“Good morning, My Beloved.” At the way you simply groan in response, a knowing smile begins to tug at his lips. “Good dream?”
“Mmmh, the best…” Humming, you rub lightly at your eyes. A moment later, you pause in your movements, brow furrowing slightly as you take in just how dark the room still is. “What time is it?”
Seonghwa, who has begun placing tender kisses along the skin of your thighs once more, smiles up at you from between your legs. “Not yet dawn.”
You stretch lightly, brushing a hand over your forehead as you take a deep breath in. “What time did you get in last night? I didn’t hear you come home.”
That single, simple word makes him smile, heart warming inside of his chest.
“Not that long ago.” He noses along your thigh, drifting closer and closer to your core with each movement. “I’m glad my return didn’t wake you. Though, it was a treat seeing you wearing those Tweety Bird pyjama shorts I got you.”
Your face flares with heat, averting your gaze to the side.
“They’re comfy.” You mumble, the cutest of pouts tugging at your lips.
Seonghwa chuckles, a soft expression resting on his features as he admires every inch of you before him. The way your fingers lightly begin to play with some strands of his hair has him leaning into your touch.
A pleased rumble shakes his chest, hands caressing over the sides of your thighs and up your hips. Lightly, his gaze flicks downwards, shifting between staring into your eyes before glancing hungrily at your dripping cunt.
“Beloved…”
The desperate moan Seonghwa lets out goes straight to your core, causing you to clench around nothing. A movement of which he eagerly catches.
“Yes, Seonghwa?”
A shiver caresses his spine as you coo his name so tenderly.
His tongue darts out to wet his lips.
“More.” His voice trembles in need as his fingers dig into the skin of your hips. He pulls your closer, chest beginning to rise and fall dramatically as he stares, transfixed, at your weeping cunt. “Give me more.”
“Greedy little angel…” You chuckle, tracing your fingers over the side of his cheek. “Don’t you know that gluttony is a sin?”
“But I made a mess, Beloved.” Wide eyes peer up at you, a dark lust swirling behind the guise of innocence. “A beautiful, intoxicating mess. It’s only right that I clean you up.”
“You can’t fool me, Angel.” The corner of your lips quirk upwards in amusement, eyes shining as you peer down at him. “I know you only want to clean me up just so you can make a mess out of me again.”
A pout tugs at his features, eyebrows drooping dramatically. “But I love making a mess out of you.”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret, then.” You smile, gently brushing some hair out of his eyes. “I love it, too.”
Seonghwa does not need to be told twice.
Without wasting another second, his tongue is back on you. This time, his movements are a lot slower. More precise. No drop is to go to waste. He wants to take his time, letting you feel every ounce of his love and passion for you. He wants you to know just how much he desires you, and just how much he enjoys this.
Pleased hums escape him as he drags his tongue through your folds, laving his mouth over your entire pussy. Dark eyes lock onto your own as he suckles and licks at your cunt, wings fluttering lightly in the air. His hands creep up your sides, touch trailing against your skin as he shifts to cup your breasts. He pinches at your nipples, rolling the pert buds between his fingers before tugging at them gently.
A low moan parts your lips, arching into his touch. Almost immediately, your hands come up to cover his own, pressing them firmer against your breasts. The content rumble that shakes his chest goes straight to your core, clenching around his tongue as he buries the muscle into your tight cunt.
Curling his tongue, his nose brushes tenderly against your clit. He pinches at your nipples once more, squeezing the flesh of your breasts appreciatively. As your hips begin to grind against him, he smirks. Humming contently, Seonghwa shifts to wrap his lips back around that sensitive little bundle of nerves, suckling lightly before flicking his tongue against you.
Soft moans and whimpers slip passed your lips, fingers returning to his hair to pull him in closer. Your whole body feels as if it’s floating, completely relaxing beneath his touch as pleasure courses through your veins. 
Everything about him is sinful. From the way his dark eyes shine beneath the light of the moon, captivating you in their loving, lustful pools. To the way his hands trace over your skin, burning multiple paths of desire, comfort, safety, and fulfillment all at the same time. You cannot count the amount of times he’s lost himself in you using just his tongue, and you know that tonight is no exception.
Your heart swells with nothing but love as he reaches out for your free hand. Almost instantly, he’s intertwining your fingers with his, squeezing gently. 
He’s right here, and he always will be.
Using his opposite hand, he parts your folds with two fingers. His tongue licks a long strip up your cunt before flattening over your clit. Now that he’s opened you completely to him, there is nothing in the way for him to be able to give you the most pleasure that he can.
A deep groan reverberates against you, hot breaths hitting your cunt with every exhale.
“Best fucking pussy I’ve ever had the pleasure to worship.” A tender kiss is placed upon your clit. “Perfect, delectable little cunt… Only one I’ll ever want. Only one I’ll ever need.”
Your eyes nearly roll to the back of your head, thighs shaking from his words. Your fingers tighten in his hair, squeezing his hand in your own as you whimper his name.
“That’s it, Beloved,” He coos, bumping his nose against your clit affectionately. “Say my name. Scream my name to the heavens and tell them who your eternal servant is. Tell them who it always will be. In this life, and the next. For all eternity.”
Your whole body begins to tremble as he wraps his lips around your clit, gently suckling on that sensitive little bundle of nerves. He purposely keeps you suspended in bliss, teetering right on the edge as he watches your whole being flood with ecstasy.
Pride fills his chest at how you whimper and whine for him, your hips desperately rolling against his tongue as he teases at your cunt.
“Tell me, Beloved,” A harsh suck is given to your clit, his eyes flashing as he locks gazes with you. “Who does such a delectable pussy belong to?”
All that you can manage is a desperate moan, chest heaving as that building pressure becomes almost unbearable within you. You can feel your clit practically pulsating, beginning to clench rhythmically around nothing.
“Who’s pretty pussy am I allowed to worship? To devour?”
“Seonghwa-“
“Say it.” Dark eyes flash beneath the moonlight, tone sharp as he growls lowly. “Come on, Pretty Girl. I want to hear you say it.”
Your breath hitches, nearing choking on a whine. Squeezing your eyes shut at the pleasure overwhelming your every nerve, you attempt to steady your shaking form. Taking a deep breath in, you go to speak.
However, the moment the words begin to form on your lips, Seonghwa wraps his own back around your clit, sucking harshly.
“Fuck-“ Inhaling sharply, your eyes fly open. Your voice borders on a scream as you just manage to choke out, “My pretty pussy is all yours to devour-“
Your words get caught in your throat as another loud curse escapes you, tossing your head back onto the pillows.
Seonghwa snarls against your cunt, shaking his head back and forth rapidly as he eagerly continues to suck at your clit. His hands tighten over you, pulling you impossibly closer as his wings flare out behind him.
A scream of his name tears from your throat, whole body shaking as your back arches from the bed. Your orgasm crashes into you unforgivingly, feet lifting slightly in the air from the intensity. Desperate whines and moans of his name escape you, clenching around nothing as your release floods out of you.
Only, Seonghwa doesn’t stop there.
Your cries of ecstasy only serve to spur him on as he slides the two fingers he had been using to spread your pussy open for him into your cunt. The feeling of your walls sucking him in, squeezing around his digits so delicately makes him groan. A shudder wracks his whole body, eyes closing briefly in bliss as his cock throbs against the sheets. Already he’s so close to coming again, but first, he needs to see you falling apart for him again. Because of him.
With practiced ease, he curls his fingers right up against that special spot inside of you. His tongue flicks at your clit, placing delicate kisses against that sensitive little bud before sucking harshly at it once more. The lewd, wet slurping sounds of his tongue on your cunt fill the room, only serving to make him even more feral than he already is.
High pitched moans escape you, tears of pleasure beginning to line your eyes as your whole body shakes beneath his hold. Your thighs squeeze around his head, not even deterring him in the slightest as you wither and whine. Every little touch makes your head spin, pleasure overwhelming your every sense.
You both wouldn’t want it any other way.
“Fuck- Seonghwa!” You gasp out, eyes squeezing shut as you practically curl into his touch. “Don’t stop-“ A catch in your breath as you cling to him for dear life. “Please, don’t fucking stop!”
A snarl of agreement fills the air, adding more pressure to his fingers as he massages over that special spot deep inside of you. His lips never once leave your clit, hooded gaze locked on your figure and practically demanding that you to fall apart for him right now.
With one final flick over your clit, you do.
Like lightning streaking across the sky, your orgasm crackles through your veins like a flash of electricity. Another scream of his name tears from your throat, broken and desperate as you squirt all over his face. Each movement against your cunt has you shuddering beneath his touch, vision blurring at the corners as the first of your tears of pleasure begin to slide down your cheeks.
Your hold on him is like a vice, grounding yourself to him as your chest heaves with every breath. You can feel something warm and wet splatter lightly against your thighs, Seonghwa’s deep moans beginning to harmonize alongside your own.
The way you notice his wings trembling in the air through your blissful haze causes the corners of your lips to twitch upwards. Knowing he’s just as affected as you are right now makes warmth swell inside of your chest, nothing but love flooding your very soul.
Seonghwa rests his forehead tenderly against your thigh while he catches his breath. His head swims with nothing but you, overwhelmed in the best of ways. Every ounce of his desire for you flows beneath the surface of his skin, drowning him in an undeniable ecstasy that only you can bring him. Seeing you like this - your pure and unfiltered form indulging in all that he has to offer - is unlike any other sensation he has ever felt in his entire existence.
He could never tire of this.
He could never tire of you.
Sliding his fingers from your cunt while releasing his hold on your hand, Seonghwa begins trailing kisses back up your body. Each press of his lips against you is soft, taking his time to admire every contour of your body. Every dip and curve of your glorious figure is sacred to him, and he never wants you to forget how beautiful you truly are. 
How beautiful you have always been.
Finally, his lips return to your own, giving you a deep and tender kiss which conveys his undying affections for you. Soft hums are breathed out against you, Seonghwa cupping your cheek gently in one hand while he slides his opposite arm around your waist. Pulling your chest flush against his own, he settles himself comfortably between your legs.
The feeling of his cock sliding through your wet folds, already hard and aching for you once more, makes you smile.
“My insatiable Little Sinner,” You coo, threading your fingers gently through his hair.
“When it comes to you?” His lips quirk upwards against your own, eyes shining with nothing but pure devotion as he openly admires you before him. “Always.”
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gem-de-lune · 2 days ago
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Daily Vibe Check 10/30
All Members Incl.
As always, please take Tarot readings with a grain of salt.
Seunghan
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Knave of Chalices + 8 of Chalices
As things amp up, he is feeling very emotional today again, today more so. I think he isn't with anyone else today and alone for much of the day. This creates a mood in which he must "deal with" himself. It is overbearing and confusing because he isn't sure where to even start with how he feels about everything. Though there are good things and opportunities coming, he is a bit afraid of opening that can of worms. Today, he is really contemplating what he wants to do at this point without outside interference, and it's a bit difficult and stressful.
Shotaro
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6 of Swords + 6 of Wands
Shotaro is still in a very similar state as the last time we checked in on him, but he is in a better mood and less overwhelmed overall. Notice the 6s are consecutive, and so are Swords (ideas/plans) and Wands (actions). 6 is an earth number, specifically Virgo. He is setting up a routine right now. He is very physically active, could be working out or dancing a lot. Anything as a distraction from stressors. If he does have to face uncomfortable things, he dismisses them via humor and messing around. Very unserious. But it is working for him. He is fine and relatively in a good mood externally due to his efforts.
Sungchan
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9 of Chalices + 2 of Chalices
Sungchan kind of sees everything as working out very soon. He is in a good mood. Even if he tried to not put all his eggs in one basket, it seems he is fully convinced of good things transpiring. Again, like last time, this could be that energy in which he needs himself to be the most positive one in the room if no one else will do the job, and feels responsible for setting that kind of moon himself. Even so these feelings aren't fake, they are kind and thoughtful. Also I think he went out drinking or will go drinking with members or other friends bc so many Chalices of wine here lol.
Eunseok
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The Hermit + The Devil
Lol, what a diva?? He is very introspective today. This could mean many things, but immediately, what I am getting is a mental health day at home in pjs eating ice cream- and I'm pretty much sticking with that. Now, if he cannot do that, he is just really really in his head today. Thinking about his choices and what he could have done, thinking about how he may have overlooked things or bought into obvious lies before. It's not unhealthy, but it is borderline obsessive. He won't really be able to focus today unless he sits down, takes a break, and chillaxes.
Anton
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2 of Pentacles + 5 of Pentacles
He is rather sad today. This is the first time I have seen this sort of pull from Anton. But I think thebweight of everything has really put his fire out, and he is now just sad and melancholy rather than spiteful. He is trying to pull himself out, knowing he has many things going for him. But it is like he keeps looking back at all the pain inflicted on others and can't seem to forget it emotionally. He will be just fine, but he may have lost his appetite today even if food was placed right in front of him.
Wonbin
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The Empress + The Hyerophant
Wonbin is feeling so Hyung today? Lol both of these cards are pretty parental imo. Wonbin is usually pretty upright as well as simple. He always gives me simple cards and does not ever have much to say in these things. Very simply put he is feeling responsible for protecting someone or something. This is very strong energy and very direct energy directed at a small group of individuals or even one person in particular. He is giving lots of worldly advice today and coming off as an old wise sage.
Sohee
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5 of Swords + 6 of Chalices
Sohee has always been fairly protective. He has a lot of fighting spirit today fueled by his love and memories for those he cares about. He is holding onto these feelings for dear life and to keep him going. I get the vibe he is very unconcerned with how he will be seen as of late, so I would not be shocked if he pulls something within the next 24-48 hrs just bc. Regardless, it seems he is ready today to jump into any ring for any reason pertaining to the fam, so no one should really be trying him today. He will rip them a new one.
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bullet-prooflove · 2 days ago
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Straight From The Heart: Tim Gutterson x Reader
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Tagging: @kmc1989 @noxytopy @baconeggndcheez @ladygrey03 @smiley-asylum
Companion piece to:
Bad Timing
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Tim keeps a polaroid of the two of you in his wallet, tucked in front of a ticket stub from a gig he took you to when he first got back got stateside.
In the picture you’re wearing a red floral country dress, your hair is loose, falling in soft waves across your shoulders. He’s standing right beside you in that blue plaid shirt he knows you like to sleep in these days. You’re face is tilted up towards him, his thumb trailing along your jaw as he kisses you. The two of you look happy, in love.
His fingertips traces over the image as he sits at his desk studying it by the light from the lamp. It’s well past midnight and everyone else has taken off home. He’s supposed to be writing a statement his role in the raid tonight and about how he ‘lost’ you but all he can think about is the look in your eyes when you’d had to pull away, say goodbye.
You’re getting tired, he thinks and he doesn’t blame you. You’ve worked Intelligence for a long time now, throwing yourself head first into all sorts of crazy shit. He came back from war with PTSD so he understands how that shit erodes you, how it claws at your soul. Better than anyone Tim knows when the fall is coming and he wants you to have a safe place to land when it does.
He doesn’t look at his phone when it starts to ring, he already knows it’s you. He doesn’t say anything, he just listens to the sound of your breathing for a second.
“You shouldn’t have to wait a year.” You say finally.
“Breaking up with me isn’t going to change how I feel about you.” He responds as he sets the picture up against the base of his lamp. “Just like it’s not going to change the way you feel about me.”
There’s silence for a second before you sigh.
“Yea I know… I just…”
“You don’t want me waiting around with my dick in my hand for something that might never happen.” He summarises, straightening the photograph.
You both know the odds of coming out of this alive, the longer it goes on the more dangerous this gets and that’s not including the shit that comes after. There’s going to be multiple trials that will depend on your testimony and the type of men you’re dealing with aren’t going to sit there idly while they’re awaiting their fate.
“Lucky.” He says firmly. “I would wait a thousand lifetimes if it means I get the chance to be with you.”
“Is that a line from one of your Middle Earth books?” You ask him and he can hear the smile in your voice.
“No honey.” He promises you, the edges of his mouth tipping up. “That one’s straight from the heart.”
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foodtruckery · 1 day ago
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I saw an ABO post for stancest where they’re both alphas and I think there’s so much potential in that.
Consider they still present while they’re separated.
Case one: Stan presents early on in life and thinks it’s his duty to look after Ford. He fully expects his meeker brother to be a Beta, or guiltily suppresses a reoccurring fantasy that Ford would be an Omega, since his life seems hard enough as is with the bullying. When Ford presents either right after Stan is kicked out or sometime in college (Stan’s secondary sex was another reason Ford assumed he would be fine), he’s at first very excited, and then very pissed off. He remembers Stanley standing up for him as kids, and is just as thrilled to take care of fights himself now as he is bitter that he can no longer SHOW Stan just how much he doesn’t need him. Stan is completely BAFFLED when Ford comes out of the portal growling at him, and is all the more alarmed that he can take him down. It’s just another change that Stan can’t grasp, and it completely kills the fantasy that Stan will get to provide for him. He hates it. Probably more than anything else. On the other hand, Ford relishes every way that he can catch his brother off guard and throw off their old hierarchy.
Case two: Ford presents as a teenager and Stan presents on the streets. Growing up, Stan always felt inferior to Ford. At least if Stan was an Omega, Filbrick wouldn’t constantly compare them, or worse, completely forget about him as he was already prone to do (it probably has something to do with Stan’s attention seeking behavior). When he first presents, Stan thinks it’s great. Once he’s a millionaire, this will be just one more thing to rub in his family’s face.
He changes his mind when Ford gets back, on account of not accounting for just how godawful it is when two old, stubborn Alphas get into an argument. This was supposed to give him MORE in common with Ford, not drive them further apart.
And Ford is…. SO mad. He’s so mad when he finds out Stan being an Alpha is the truth. He doesn’t even believe it until, during an especially stressful day, he can no longer deny that Stan has a very potent scent. It flies in the face of everything he knows bout him (Stan isn’t responsible. Stan doesn’t have any big visions for himself), and Stan loves to gloat about being more than Ford ever thought he could be.
In both situations, fantasies are destroyed and the Stans unreasonably blame each other for it. Pre Weirdmagannon is hell on earth in the Pines’ household. Stan is constantly doing more than what was asked of him or dipping into town for outside validation now that Ford is gifting everyone with his presence (and very useful inventions), and Ford is up at night stewing over the fact that another Alpha is in his home— but it’s Stanley and he has very complicated feelings about that. (He daydreams about bitching him and putting things back where they belong. He’s always liked to be organized.)
Post Werirdmagganon, they’re so self conscious about themselves.
Ford has been alone a long time and is very nervous about hurting Stan. And even when he isn’t so worried about that (because his brother is mouthy and forgets he’s technically the younger twin), he isn’t used to working with people. When things have finally cleared, Ford is actually very happy to have an “equal” partner he doesn’t have to worry about intimidating (he learned the hard way about unintentional power dynamics with McGucket). But he also dreads it a lot, overcorrecting perceived faults in his own attitude and actions. On the bright side, it’s harder for him to fall back on the old habit of thinking himself destined for greatness when Stanley is at his side.
Stan has lowered himself a lot over the course of his life to the point that— deep down— he doesn’t actually value himself as an Alpha at all. Heaven knows there’s always somebody bigger and badder out there, and a vulnerable person is a vulnerable person. At his lowest, Stan’s encountered people who thrive on breaking others more than they thought they could be broken. He’s been treated as a commodity just as much as he’s been treated as a joke (the line is thin and sometimes it isn’t there at all). Where he used to flaunt his secondary sex whenever he could, he’s gotten into some very humiliating sex work, either derived from that very trait, or resulting in him keeping it a secret, lest everyone find out he’s an Alpha letting himself be used (that never goes down well). He thinks he had something good and squandered it, but also has a better understanding of who he is outside of being an Alpha.
Two Alphas is good because yeah, angry toxic yaoi. But also, it kicks the Stan’s’ competitive rivalry into hyper gear and is an interesting look at their inferiority/superiority complexes.
ooh yes! i don't know if it's the same one you saw, anon, but i have seen at least one post about both stans presenting as alphas! honsetly, i think that suits them both really well and from my persepctive gets you a dynamic that's a little closer to canon. i do really like thinking about how that would change things for stan, tho, specifically.
like a bit of a double edged sword during his drifter years. it suits him really well when he's selling someone a line, and when he's getting tangled up into some dangerous shit, like being thrown in prison in multiple countries. but if we imagine he still turns to sex work, there's a different kind of clientele that want to bitch an alpha. it's dangerous work regardless - at least he isn't likely to get knocked up or some shit - but it leaves him with a lot more bruises and bloodied lips, he thinks, than if he'd presented differently.
and maybe there's a tiny, pathetic part of him that rears its head when he's too drunk or high to stop it, or when he's hit rock bottom again and not sure he can climb back out of it this time. a little voice in his head (his voice) that hates him and whispers that if he'd just presented as a fucking omega, maybe ford would've kept him.
course, all that being said. i'm with the other poster i saw -- when stan and ford get near each other again, they're fucking brawling lol.
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mama-qwerty · 1 day ago
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WIP Wednesday
It's been a day. Ugh.
Today's offering is another discord "story time", wherein we were chatting about movie!Knux having a panic attack. I forget the lead in, I think he'd been pushing himself like mad before this, not sleeping and such. Y'know, the typical "Knuckles is having a hard time adjusting to not being on alert all the time" spiel.
I got inspired and this happened. Not likely to take it anywhere else, but enjoy what there is.
~~~~~
He couldn't breathe.
The more he tried, the louder the wheezing got, the air squeezing through the pinprick his throat had closed to.
His chest felt tight, so tight, and he tried to power through it, to fight these feelings that had suddenly surged in his mind, in his heart. He was a warrior, a fighter, he bested all opponents in this life.
But now his opponent was his own body, his own mind. How was he to fight against that?
"Knuckles, baby, focus on me."
A voice, soft and soothing, from his right. He turned and in the slowly blackening vision he saw Maddie, coming closer—but not too close—with her hands held out in front of her, as though approaching a wild, unpredictable animal.
He wanted to tell her he wouldn't harm her, he'd never harm her, but his throat, his damn throat was tightening even more and he shook his head, trying to force it back open.
"I'm gonna go find Dad," Sonic said behind him, and a rush of wind told Knuckles the hedgehog had run off.
That didn't matter. He couldn't breathe.
His quills bristled, his power arcing and snapping across them. Flicking his eyes down to his hands, he saw the same energy sparking over his fists.
No. Focus. Control yourself. Stop being weak!
He turned back toward Maddie. Fear crossed his face, and he couldn't stop it. He'd never shown fear before. He couldn't. To show fear was to die.
"You're safe, baby," she said, her voice just as soothing as before. She took a step closer. "Just focus on me. Focus on the sound of my voice. Shut everything else out. C'mon baby."
Safe? Safe? He wasn't safe. There was no such thing as safe. The galaxy was a harsh, cruel place, where any wrong move could find him on the receiving end of a shock or an electrified net, or caught on one of any number of traps for the arenas.
He shook his head. She was wrong. He had to stop this foolish . . . whatever it was. He was a warrior and he needed to keep them safe.
"You are." She was closer now, gently cupping his muzzle in her hands. "Please, don't fight it. Focus. Just focus on my hands on your muzzle. Do you feel them?"
His head felt fuzzy and light. He was going to pass out.
He nodded.
"Good. Good, boy. Feel how my thumbs are moving? You have very soft fur on your cheeks. Like peach fuzz. Remember how you tried a peach last week?"
He did. It was different than any other food he'd tried on his travels. It was juicier than he expected.
Another nod. A small breath. The sparks began to fade.
"You liked it, as I recall. Not like the avocado. Bit right into that like an apple. Got a mouthful of the pit. I'd never seen you pull a face like that before, and I laughed. Remember?"
Another small nod. Another breath.
"You're trying all sorts of new things on Earth I bet you never had while you were out in that big galaxy. New foods, new sights, new feelings. Like now. You're scared because you've never felt safe before. Aren't you?"
He wanted to deny it. He was the most dangerous warrior in the galaxy, he wasn't scared of anything.
But he gave her yet another nod. And his throat didn't feel quite so tight now. His eyes returned to violet.
"I know it's scary to feel new things. I know you have been running since you were so little. Fighting practically before you really knew how to talk. And that makes me so mad for you. And sad. You didn't deserve that. None of it. You deserved to grow up loved and supported and safe. But you didn't."
Knuckles gasped in a deeper breath at that, the shake in his body fading as his muscles went limp.
Maddie leaned forward and rested her forehead against his, and he closed his eyes with a shiver.
"You’re here now. You don't have to fight anymore. You are safe. I will keep you safe. You can rest. Please, baby. Just rest."
The echidna gave another big inhale, before letting it out in along, slow exhale. He wasn't quite sure how she was able to soothe him like this. Wasn't confident it wasn't some kind of magic that took away his fear and anxious thoughts. But with just a few words, just a gentle touch, this human woman had calmed the greatest echidna warrior there had ever been.
And after a long moment of this comforting contact, their foreheads still pressed firmly against each other, Knuckles the Echidna felt the familiar touch of sleep coming for him. And this time, he didn't fight it. He let it caress his mind, pulling him down into a calm, restful slumber.
Maddie caught him as he slumped forward, and sat with his head in her lap when Sonic and Tom arrived home in a hurry.
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magiccath · 2 days ago
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Yours, Stardust: Chapter one, Goodbye, Spaceman
A/N: Woah! A multi-part? Also, this is written in British English, you've been warned.
Summary: In which Donna loses her memories and you're forced to choose: your best friend or the alien you've grown far too attached to.
Word count: 6,379
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Donna Noble always came first. Not that you had ever complained - not that you were complaining now. It was simply a part of your life, an irrefutable fact like the sky being blue. She had, and always would, come first. 
You came first for her, too. It was always you and her. Best friends, always and forever. No one was ever supposed to get between you; parents, other friends, romantic partners, and least of all the Doctor. Before it was the three of you, it had been the two of you. For the majority of your lives, you had been inseparable. It was without saying that you and Donna did just about everything together. There was never one without the other.
The first time you met the Doctor still hung in the corners of your mind. You had spent hours searching for Donna, all the while fighting the growing pit in your stomach that something was wrong, before stumbling into the reception party. You were still in your wedding attire, your unreasonably uncomfortable dress shoes hanging from your hand, having given up and taken them off. Donna had put you in some silly outfit for the ordeal, something that she knew you wouldn’t even consider wearing for anyone else. But it was Donna, so of course you put it on. 
When you saw Donna, properly pissed off and frazzled, you didn’t waste a second before throwing yourself into her arms. More than anything, you were just glad she was okay. You didn’t care if she had run off to elope this handsome stranger next to her, if he was holding her captive, or even what her shithead fiance would say about it all. All that mattered at that moment was that she was safe. 
It turned out that she hadn’t eloped with the handsome stranger. Depending on who you asked, the kidnapping was up for debate. 
You’d follow Donna to the corners of the Earth - In fact, you probably had over the years. You followed her to Egypt, you’d followed her around while she searched for the Doctor, and when the time came you’d followed her onto the TARDIS. When you were still kids, your mum had once asked you if you’d follow Donna off a cliff. In more ways than one, you supposed you had. The TARDIS wasn’t quite a cliff, but the outcome felt the same.
-
The Doctor knew that you and Donna were a joint package. He knew that if he lost one, he would lose both. As all things did with him, this too would end. He would move on and you two would stay the same - you and Donna, Donna and you. You’d come with Donna, and one day you would inevitably leave with her too. 
That didn’t stop him from getting attached. It didn’t matter that he was over 900 years old, the last of his kind, or that he had lost almost everyone he had ever loved. The idea of him not growing attached to you was almost impossible. How could he not? You were everything that he’d ever allowed himself to hope for. 
He’d let his guard down, he’d grown comfortable - accustomed, even. Donna’s favourite tea in the cupboard had become second nature to him. Your charity shop coat thrown across the coral structures of the TARDIS console room, right next to his own, was something he had grown too used to. The sight of your dirty trainers discarded on the metal flooring haunted him more than any other companion ever had. He didn’t want that all to change - he didn’t want your shoes strewn across the floor if you weren’t there to trip over them. He didn’t want your favourite chipped mug in the cupboard if you weren’t using it. He didn’t want Donna’s tea to collect dust, the metal tin rusting away in the depths of the TARDIS kitchen. 
The Doctor followed a universal truth; companions always left or died. It was a destiny he had been trying to outrun for years. When they did (for whatever reason), their presence always lingered in the TARDIS, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. Donna had noticed it the first time she ever entered the ship, instantly clocking Rose’s purple shirt hanging from the railing. The TARDIS herself noticed, she felt the absence inside of her very being. She’d taken to filing prior companions’ rooms away long ago, hiding them away from the Doctor and oftentimes herself. Martha’s room was still somewhere on the ship, her medical textbooks and second favourite leather jacket hidden behind a door somewhere in the depths of the endless hallways. She’d had to buy a new sports med textbook, her old one (with all of her highlights, annotations, and stray pieces of homework) still sat in the ship, likely never to be opened again. 
It was different with Donna and it was certainly different with you. He wasn’t even sure he could bring himself to file the two of you away, to hide you in the mental file folder of people he had let down, of people he had lost. 
He wasn’t sure he could handle the loss of you. It would be painful to see the lack of you in all of the places you should be - standing next to him in the control room, handing him spare parts while he repaired the console, making yourself a morning cup of tea. He feared that when you left his life, he wouldn’t be able to look at the ship the same way again. It would feel haunted in the worst way. 
In the grand scheme of his lifetime, it had been a blip, nothing more than a singular moment in time. He only had you for a mere handful of years, but it had never felt like that. As much as he hated it, he had grown to depend on you. Before he knew you, he might have been okay without you. Now, he would always feel the hole where you used to be. 
You and Donna belonged on the TARDIS, you fit into his life in a way that no one else ever had. For the first time in years, centuries even, he was truly happy. 
As much as he could, the Doctor had fallen into a sense of routine. There were things that he had just grown used to, things that he could rely on in his generally unreliable lifestyle. You always did your laundry on the TARDIS because you preferred the Laundromat to the machines back home. He knew that Donna wanted to go home once a month to check on Wilf, or that you would bring him a steaming cup of tea if he stayed up late working on the console. You never put enough sugar in it for his liking, but he’d never told you that. Maybe he should have. 
He should have known it would never last. Wanting you here forever was nothing more than wishful thinking in the first place. Perhaps the universe was playing a joke on him, or maybe it was seeking revenge for all the things he had done wrong in his painfully long life. 
Losing Donna was hard enough for him. Having to be the one to wipe her memory and explain to her mum and grandad why he could never see her again was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his long life. He felt gutted, ripped apart at his already fragile seams. There were so many people he had said goodbye to, but none of them were his best friend. Losing Donna was like losing a piece of himself, like handing away one of his hearts just to see it get run over by a truck. It was hard in ways he had never thought possible, but losing you was a whole different ordeal. He had loved Donna, yes, but never in the way that he loved you.
He loved you in a way he hadn’t loved anyone in the longest time. Even if he didn’t want to, even if he knew it wasn’t possible, he loved you. It wasn’t something he wanted to admit to himself, and it was something that he could never admit to you, but it was true. Just as much a fact as the sky being blue (though, the Doctor knew that the sky wasn’t really blue. Humans didn’t have the optical ability to see the true colour of the sky. The Doctor thought that was truly a shame, it was one of his favourite colours).
Even without it being said, there was something there. The two of you had never loved each other the way that the Doctor loved Donna. You hung in the space between; not quite together, but so much more than just friends. Maybe, if the two of you had time, he would have found his way to you. In the end, he always did. It was impossible not to, you were like a magnet to him. Nothing had ever come as easy to him as loving you. 
He tried not to love you, he really did. But if he hadn’t been able to stop over the last year, he wasn’t going to be able to stop now. Loving you ruined him, body and soul, but he couldn’t seem to shake himself from it. 
Losing Donna was painful for the Doctor, but it was life-ruining for you. It was practically excruciating to see the best part of your best friend's life be wiped away in an instant. 
“When I’m with the Doctor, I feel like I’m actually something. Someone,” Donna had told you once. “Like my life finally has a purpose. This is it, this is where I’m meant to be.” 
Donna wouldn’t even be able to mourn what she lost, because she couldn’t even remember that she lost it. Perhaps that was the cruellest fate of them all. 
Never again would you sit on her floor on the TARDIS, organising her CDs and making fun of the Doctor. You wouldn’t ever complain to her about the Time Lord, or yell into her pillow because of how utterly frustrating he could be. She wouldn’t remember him, she wouldn’t remember the room she had outfitted on the TARDIS, she wouldn't remember those late nights. But you would, they would always be stitched into the seams of your memories. Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t get rid of them.
You wanted to scream at the Doctor, beg him to give you your best friend back. He could destroy civilisations, save worlds, and build empires, why couldn’t he fix this? Why did he have to put you in a position to choose? 
The Doctor had figured you would stay with him. In his mind, there wasn’t another option. He needed you. To you, the answer was obvious. Donna Noble came first. She always did. 
Now, you were gone, but months ago you had been here. Your memory was already haunting him, fragments of you handing in his periphery. His eyes landed on the front doors of the TARDIS, his mind already filling in the blanks. 
Only a few weeks ago, he had found you sitting with your legs dangling out of the open doors, feet idly kicking into the open air of space. He was sure if it was any other ship, flown by any other alien, you wouldn’t even consider sitting out in the open expanse of space, but you had grown to trust the Doctor and his TARDIS with more than just your life. 
Donna had long since gone to bed, she was probably fast asleep wrapped up in the Egyptian cotton sheets she got from her first trip to the 1920s. You, on the other hand, found yourself unable to sleep, fancy cotton sheets or not. It wasn’t necessarily a frequent problem for you, but sometimes after steady weeks of adventuring, you weren’t able to sleep as easily. On those nights, you’d stay up with the Doctor. He would never openly admit it, but he liked the company. 
Used to this routine, the Doctor had sat down silently next to you, his long legs draping over the edge of his beloved ship. For a minute neither of you said anything, just looking out at the stars. The silence settled around the Doctor like a familiar blanket. For once, he didn’t feel the pressing need to fill it with chatter.
It had been a beautiful night in space, though the Doctor supposed he’d never seen one that wasn’t. A glittering array of stars and soft nebulas filled his vision, a couple of far-off planets hidden behind stardust. It didn’t matter that he’d seen it billions of times, nothing else really compared to the feeling of just sitting in outer space, basking in the soft starlight. 
“Have I ever told you about binary stars?” the Doctor murmured, his face still turned out toward the galaxy. From here, you could take a minute to admire his side profile. 
“No, I don’t think you have,” you replied, tearing your gaze away from him. “Tell me.” 
The Doctor reached his arm out and pointed at two sparkling spheres in the distance. They were nestled right next to each other in the dark, huddled together like penguins weathering out a storm. 
“They’re stars that orbit the same centre of gravity, permanently bound together by it. Most of the stars are part of a binary system, actually,” he explains, his quiet voice ringing out into the night. “Normally you can’t see them as separate entities with your naked eye, but, well…” 
“Being literally in space changes that,” you finish for him. 
“Exactly.”
“Over time the stars lose momentum and slowly gravitate towards each other until they collide in a supernova,” the Doctor continued, still looking out into space with a forlorn look. “Or if one explodes first, it forms a pulsar. The companion star, the dimmer one that is, will be destroyed. Either way, they’re the death of each other.” 
“Companion stars?” you chuckle, leaning your head against the solid wood of the doorframe. Now it was the Doctor’s turn to look at the soft outline of your profile. 
“Or secondary star, B-star, you get the idea,” he utters quickly, just a few ticks faster than his normal dialect. 
“Are we smaller stars to you?” you ask after a beat, gazing out at the pair of stars in the distance. In a way he envied them, two entities intertwined forever, always a joined force in the stark expanse of the cosmos.
“No,” the Doctor said almost instantly. “Never smaller, or lesser, or whatever other word you want to use. Never that. There’s never been anything bigger than you. Ever.” 
“Are the other stars called the Doctor star? Time Lord star?” you teased with a wide smile, the expression taking over your entire face. He loved when you smiled like that, your whole face practically illuminating the room. 
“First, it’s the brighter star. And, no, they’re the primary stars,” he scoffs, trying to hide the beginnings of his own smile. It was hard not to smile back when you looked at him like that. 
“Which one’s the companion?” you asked, nodding in the general direction of the stars in the distance. From your spot, they looked the same, so similar you might have even mistaken them for one entity at first glance. 
“Can’t tell from here,” the Doctor shrugged. “The TARDIS could tell us,” he looks back at the console, ready to get up and check. He was starting to realise he would do anything for you, and that kind of power was dangerous. 
You shook your head, silently telling him to stay. “It’s not important, I just figured you’d know.” 
“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know everything.” 
“I know,” you say simply. There were plenty of things the Doctor didn’t know, though it was rare for him to admit it. He didn’t know your birthday, or at least the proper date on first guess. He didn’t know Donna’s middle name, and most importantly, he didn’t seem to know how much he meant to you. 
The silence settled back over you for a while. You sat like that for a while, sitting a little too close together and staring out into the universe before you. The binary star system hung in his field of vision, seemingly burning brighter than any other celestial body in his view. He couldn’t help but cling to the idea of them. 
“The primary star is usually the one to explode, killing its companion,” the Doctor broke the silence. “It is literally the cause of the other’s death.” 
“If I was a binary star, I’m not sure I would mind all that much.” 
“Of course not, stars aren’t capable of thought processes or emotions-” he frowned, already correcting your statement. 
“Metaphorically,” you cut him off before he could talk himself into circles; he was always really good at that. 
“Oh,” he said, softer this time. “Why? Why wouldn’t you mind, that is.” 
“Space is so big, everything is so far apart. If you’re a star, you just occupy your gravity all alone. But if one day, another star comes along and dips into that space… well, life isn’t so lonely anymore, is it?” 
The Doctor shook his head, the spiky strands of his hair bouncing from the motion. “They kill each other.” 
“Wouldn’t you risk it too? For that companionship, that love, that brief moment of contact before you combust? I know I would.” 
“You have to kill your best friend, your partner. I’m not sure that’s worth it,” the Doctor argued. He was tired of losing people, tired of being the last one standing, tired of being the cause of all of those deaths. Maybe it should be called a “Time Lord star”.
“Would you rather be alone for the rest of your life?” you asked, turning back toward him. His eyes caught yours and he had to fight back tears. He didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life, he wanted to be with you. With Donna. He would burn until he died out if he had to if it meant he could keep you. He would give you his hearts if he could - crack his ribs open and pry them out with his bare hands. 
“Yes,” he lied, his voice cracking ever so slightly. It was nothing more than a pipedream, the idea that things would always be this way. He knew that, but it didn't make the inevitable blow any softer. You were never his to keep. 
“We aren’t talking about stars anymore, are we?” you whisper. No, no we aren’t, he thought. Your words had hung in the air, the silence palpable. 
Now, almost half a year later, his worst fears were coming true. He had drawn you too far into his gravitational pull and now he was going to lose you, just like he had lost everyone else. 
The crash was inevitable. He couldn’t have the two of you forever, at some point, it was going to end. Binary stars always ended in explosions. It was only a matter of time before one of them went supernova.
Your voice tore him out of his thoughts. “So this is goodbye,” you whispered sadly, gazing down at the floor. You couldn’t look at him, not without breaking down. You’d never thought it would come to this. 
“You can’t leave,” the Doctor’s voice almost cracked, his words strained. “I can’t lose you.” 
“I can’t stay.” 
“Yes, you can,” he pleaded. You didn’t have to respond to that, you both knew that the decision was already made. It was made the second that he wiped Donna’s mind. 
The Doctor slumped against the console, the motion pained and dejected. “I just lost my best friend, I can’t lose you too” the Doctor cried, practically begging you. 
“So did I!” you snapped. “I go with you and I lose the last bit of her I have left.” 
“I can drop you off, you can always visit-” 
“I’m not leaving her, Doctor,” you said definitively, refusing to budge on the matter. “She just lost the most wonderful year of her life - she lost you. I’m not going to be another thing she loses.” 
“It doesn’t have to be one or the other.” 
“It always is with you,” you murmured. The words hung in the air, the Doctor unable to argue with them. He couldn’t do the grey areas, he had never been any good at them. There wasn’t just getting coffee or catching up with him, there was always something more. 
“She needs someone,” you added softly. 
“She has Wilf and Sylvia.” 
“She needs someone to remind her that she’s brilliant. Someone she will listen to.”
The Doctor didn’t have to respond to that, both of you knew it wasn’t the same. Donna needed someone there to remind her that she could be amazingly brilliant, and you were the only person who could really do that. You were the only one to see just how important Donna Noble was to the whole world, the universe even. 
The only thing he could do was stare at you, silently committing your face to memory. You were already there, hidden in the corners of his mind. He didn’t need to memorise you, you were burned into him. There was no forgetting you. He wanted so desperately not to lose you, even the faint memory of you that would always linger in his mind. His eyes danced over your features, mapping every single curve and spot that he had grown to know so well. He wasn’t sure he could forget you, even if he wanted to. A little bit of you was permanently stitched into his very being. 
“You were the best part of my life,” you whisper, breaking the silence. 
“Your life isn’t over.” 
“I already know. There’s no beating you, Doctor. I-” your words caught in your throat. 
“I love him,” you had whispered to Donna months ago, the two of you curled up on the TARDIS library couch. “I love him irreversibly, I don’t think I could stop loving him if I tried.” You had tried, continuously even. It wasn’t meant to be, yet you couldn’t let him go. 
“I love you,” you finally admitted to him, your voice a cracked whisper. The words weren’t a surprise to the Doctor. Frankly, you hadn’t expected them to be. 
The two of you had danced around it for so long, lost in your own waltz of messy feelings. If you just kept avoiding it, wouldn’t it go away? But there was no more avoiding it, this was it. The last time you would ever see the Doctor. 
“If I say it back will you stay?” he whispered, his voice raw. 
“No,” you said instantly, a part of you hoping he’d say it anyway. He only nodded, his gaze falling to the floor. You don’t know why you’d expected anything else. It didn’t matter if you were walking out of his life, he couldn’t say it. You weren’t sure he would ever be ready to say it. 
“Thank you,” he murmured after a beat. The words didn’t feel like enough, but they were all he had. 
“I should be the one thanking you, not the other way around,” you chuckled sadly. “For showing me all of the universe and the things it has to offer.” 
The Doctor shook his head, his spiky fringe drooping across his browline. “No, really. Thank you, for everything.” He would never be able to thank you enough for all that you had done for him; the countless nights you’d spent just sitting with him long after he should have gone to bed, all the times you’d talked him out of a spiral, the comforting squeeze of your hand in his. His life was undoubtedly better with you in it, and now you were walking out of it. The worst part was that he was powerless against it, there was nothing he could do to make you stay. 
Unceremoniously, you slung your arms around him one last time. He allowed his own arms to snake around your middle, holding you tighter than he ever had. If he closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of you, he could almost convince himself you weren’t leaving. His nose slotted perfectly into your neck, it was so natural he didn’t even have to think about it. 
“I’m going to miss you, spaceman,” you whispered, so quiet only the Doctor could hear. 
It felt as if his hearts were being ripped out of his chest. He didn’t want to be this vulnerable, especially not in front of you. His mind grappled with the crushing weight of it all, frantically trying to scoop the last shreds of his dignity off the ground. 
“I’ll miss you too, stardust,” he whispered, his voice strained. How was he expected to survive this? How could he be expected to do anything without you? 
When you pulled away from the hug, there was the faintest hint of tears in your eyes. The sight only served to break the Doctor’s hearts further. He hated when you were sad, and he absolutely loathed it when he was the cause. 
His hand reached out and brushed the stray tear from your cheek, swiping his thumb across the soft skin, his hand just barely quivering. You exhaled shakily, your breath ghosting across the Doctor’s skin. 
“Goodbye,” you murmured, your voice cracking. 
Reluctantly, you untangled yourself from the embrace, taking a step back. It took everything in the Doctor not to reach out for you and pull you back into him. 
“Goodbye,” he whispered back. 
He desperately wanted to wake up and find this was all some horrible nightmare. He longed to jolt awake like he did the many times he had dreamed of the horrors of the Time War. In the morning, this would be nothing more than a false memory that had plagued his unconscious mind. He would wake up, and you would be there. Donna would be there. 
He blinked slowly, clenching his eyes shut with the hope that he would open them and this would all be fixed. After a beat, he slowly opened them again, but you were gone. 
The TARDIS had never felt so empty. 
-
You closed the door to the TARDIS carefully, your fingers lingering on the worn, blue wood of the ship. Once it was closed, you allowed yourself to sag against the doors. You took a second to gather yourself before stepping away from the ship. Only then did the tears start to fall.
As the TARDIS dematerialised, your cries turned into full sobs. The sound that once felt like home now felt like a fatal wound. You weren’t sure this was something you could ever get over, no matter how hard you tried. 
It didn’t matter how hard your heart was breaking, you had other places to be. Donna needed you, and you weren’t going to abandon her. Now, or ever. Donna Noble always came first. 
Hastily wiping your tears, you tugged the front door of the Noble residence open. You started slowly slipping off your shoes, kicking them dejectedly onto the wet mat by the coat rack. Just as you were easing off your left trainer, Donna rounded the corner. You didn’t even have time to register the fact that she was now awake, or even ask her how she was feeling before she started fretting over you. 
“Oh no, I know that look,” she chided, immediately taking your coat from your hands. 
“What look?” you plastered a smile on your face, the effort mitigated by your already blotchy face.
“Your sad one,” she stuck her finger in your face, “I don’t like it.” 
“I’m fine.” 
“No, you’re not. Was it work? A bloke? A bloke at work?” she rambled on, growing increasingly irritated at the mere concept of someone upsetting her best friend. She would burn the world down for you if given the chance. No one meant more to Donna than you did. 
“It was Josh, wasn’t it? I always hated him, but you already knew that. Not like I was ever secretive about it.” Of course she figured it was work, she didn’t remember that you had quit months ago. Time Travel wasn’t exactly compatible with a working schedule. Before you could respond and tell her no, it most certainly was not Josh, she was already going on again. “We’re going to have a pint of ice cream and then you’re moving on, got it?” she instructed, chattering on as if it was that simple. Maybe if it had been anyone else it would be that simple. Things were never simple when it came to the Doctor. 
“Okay,” you nodded. The last thing you wanted to do right now was say no to the incredible force that is Donna Noble.
-
The Doctor sat across from Wilfred Mott, idly running a finger along the edge of his coffee cup. He didn’t drink coffee, at least not black coffee, so the drink sat untouched. He’d always loved the man, but lately, he was the last person the Doctor wanted to see. Wilf was just one more painful reminder of all that he had lost. 
He didn’t understand why Wilf had picked this cafe, or even a cafe at all. There were hundreds on the street, yet he had seemed dead set on this one. It wasn’t even a nice one - the seats were cracked, the mugs chipped and mismatched, and the table was littered with scratches. The Doctor idly ran his pointer finger over a set of initials someone had carved into the wood, an eternal declaration of love. 
Pulling his gaze back up to the other side of the table, he found Wilf staring intently out the window. It almost looked like he was waiting for something. 
“What?” the Doctor asked, following his gaze with a furrowed brow. 
Outside on the street was Donna, packing up cardboard boxes into her car. As if seeing his best friend wasn’t painful enough, you rounded the corner, calling after the redhead. Suddenly it all made sense why Wilf had insisted on this particular cafe. 
“I'm sorry, but I had to. Look, can’t you make her better?” Wilf pleaded. 
“Stop it,” the Doctor growled, tearing his gaze away from the pair. He wouldn’t allow himself to dwell on this. He wouldn’t allow himself to think about you, it would only cause him to spiral. 
“No, but you’re so clever. Can’t you bring her memory back? Look, just go to her now. Go on, just run across the street. Go up and say hello,” Wilf continued.
“If she ever remembers me, her mind will burn, and she will die.”
“They miss you, both of them.” 
The Doctor’s eyes faltered, wandering back to the pair of you on the street. Now, Donna was yelling at a traffic warden, her angry voice carrying into the diner. Her voice was hauntingly familiar, and only then did he realise just how much he had missed Donna’s fury. 
“She’s not changed,” he chuckled. 
“Couldn’t if she tried.” 
“And…” the Doctor asked, not daring to directly ask how you were. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. Deep in his hearts, he longed for you to be happy. Yet, he didn’t think he could bear the pain of it. 
“They’re fine too. Working at the university now, a big cushy job and all.” 
The Doctor nodded. Of course, you were. At least you were happy.
“She’s getting married,” Wilf said, looking back out at his granddaughter. It took the Doctor a full second to realise he had been talking about Donna, not you. For a moment, panic rushed into his brain. He knew it would come one day, it was all part of you moving on. New job, new haircut, probably someone new to love too. He just wasn’t ready for that day to be today. 
“Another wedding?” he said, trying to play off the split second of panic. 
“Yeah.” 
“Is she happy? Is he nice?” The Doctor turned his gaze back to the mug in front of him, staring at the rapidly cooling coffee like it was the most interesting thing in the world. 
“Yeah, he’s sweet enough. He’s a bit of a dreamer. Mind you, he’s on minimum wage, she’s earning tuppence, so all they can afford is a tiny little flat. And then sometimes I see this look on her face like she’s so sad, but she can’t remember why.” 
“She’s got him.” That was more than the Doctor could say. He didn’t have anyone, least of all the two people he wanted most. He’d spent the last year running around, searching for anything to fill the hole the two of you had left in his hearts. He had spent all that time forcing you out of the corners of his mind, chopping away at pieces of himself to rid himself of the ache. As much as he tried, he just kept seeing you in all of the places you should be. 
“She’s making do.” 
“Aren’t we all?” the Doctor chuckled dryly. His whole life he’d been making do, building the blueprints of a life out of abandoned scraps he’d found on the side of the road. He’d been living in a house of cards, and one day it was bound to fall down. 
“Yeah, how about you? Who have you got now?” Wilf asked. The Doctor wanted to scoff at the idea. There was no replacing Donna, no replacing you. 
“No one. Travelling alone. I thought it was better, but…” he trailed off. It wasn’t true, he never once thought that travelling without you and Donna was better. He swallowed, pushing the threat of tears back down. The two of you had moved on, it was time he did too. 
“You need them, Doctor. I mean, look. Wouldn’t they make you laugh again?”
The truth was, you would. Both of you. Together, you could make everything better. 
-
One last goodbye. He was at least owed that, wasn’t he? One last goodbye before he let go. 
He figured he ought to at least wish Donna a happy marriage, even if he couldn’t do it directly. Before it all went down, Wilf had told him they were struggling, her and Shawn. The Doctor hated the idea of her in a shoebox flat, Donna Noble couldn't be squeezed in like that. At the very least, he could set them up for their new life. He wasn’t sure what constituted a lot of money, certainly not what constituted a lot of money in 2010. The best he could come up with was a winning lottery ticket. 
He’d completely forgotten that in delivering the envelope with the winning ticket snuggled safely inside he would run into you. For a moment, he was taken aback by the sight of you, fretting about the bride in your wedding attire. You looked beautiful, but then again you always did. When his eyes met yours, it felt like the whole world had stopped. He practically froze when you started walking toward him. Maybe he wasn’t ready for this. 
“What are you doing here?” you asked, your voice tense. The Doctor immediately felt as if he’d done something wrong. 
“Will you give this to Donna?” he asked softly, handing over the envelope. Warily, you took it from his outstretched hand. 
“What is it?” 
“Lottery ticket, should be enough for them to start their new life,” the Doctor explained, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. 
You nodded, staring down at the taupe envelope in your hands. “I’ll give it to her.”
The two of you stood in silence for a minute, neither of you venturing to speak. The only sounds in the area were the runoff of chatter from the wedding and the gentle chirp of birds in the nearby trees. 
The Doctor had so many things he wanted to say, yet none of them felt like enough. This was the last time he was ever going to see you with this face - possibly at all - and he couldn’t come up with anything. 
It’s not that he didn’t have things to say. Oh, he had so many things to say. A full year alone left him in a jumble of his own thoughts. He was still trying to detangle the webs of his mind. That wasn’t going to be his problem anymore, let the next one handle it. 
“I’m sorry,” he uttered, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. 
“For what?” 
“Everything,” he said. “For what happened with Donna, and what happened with us.” 
“I’m sorry too,” you whispered, fiddling with the envelope in your hands. “For leaving you and all of that.” 
The Doctor shook his head. “It turned out okay,” he lied. 
“You got someone new?” 
“No,” he said instantly. Of course, he didn’t have someone new, how could you think that? He didn’t just move on, especially not from Donna and you. “No, I don’t.” 
“You need someone.” 
“I’ve been fine,” he lied again. In reality, he had been far from fine. The TARDIS felt hauntingly empty without you. He missed Donna’s tabloid magazines scattered across the control room, the last book you were reading discarded on the surface of the console, and the half-empty tea mugs from both of you sitting in the sink for days on end, he missed it all. No matter what he did, he couldn’t fix it.
“I miss you,” you whispered so softly the Doctor wasn’t even sure he heard you correctly. 
“Then come back,” he practically begged. It didn’t matter how much he changed, how different this new Doctor was going to be, he would always love you. He would always need you. 
“I can’t do that.”
“I’d rather have five days a year than anyone else all the time,” he uttered, fighting his way through the stabbing pain in his body. He didn’t have much time left. But then again, he never did. 
“Goodbye, Doctor.” 
Somehow, those words hurt more than they did the first time. 
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redpapercraness · 7 days ago
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to lose you
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xoxochb · 25 days ago
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the unbreakable bond between a depressed teenage girl and the ocean
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memoirs-of-a-sapphic · 3 months ago
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11-18-23
Such a wonderful life it could be, If I was ever truly free From the confines of this place Where life is somehow a race.
I just want a small place to be Myself, a cat, maybe you with me. A place that I could  call my own; A place to go when I say 'home'.
An entry where I'd hang my coat, And leave my shoes by the door As I step across the floor, and Perhaps I'd greet you, when I walk in through the door Of the place I'd call home.
Or perhaps it's the other way, Maybe I'd be in the kitchen that day, And you'd walk in, and I'd Light up and say 'hi' And I'd walk over and greet you, Smile, hug you and kiss you.
And we'd both be much better than We were five minutes ago, or ten. And maybe we'd sit on the sofa, Watch a show until it's over, And eat dinner together, and Leave the dishes 'til morning.
And, too tired to want to get up, We'd fall asleep on the sofa. Tv in the background, quietly Playing as we fall asleep
And in the morning, as we lay In the early sunshine of the day Perhaps I'd whisper into your ear: 'Good morning- how are you, my dear?'
And then we'd start our day again. It doesn't matter where and when- We'd be alright, I'm sure; We've been alright before.
And there's so much I want to do; A simple life, perhaps with you. But all that seems so far away As I look at it today.
But I'm sure that future me Will be looking back to see This lonely evening reverie; Me, wishing I could be more free.
What a wonderful life it could be.
-OvV-
ok I haven't posted original poetry in a while, and I know I said I'd post the follow-up that references 11-17-23 and 12-21-23, but I've been thinking of moving out of my homophobic house lately and we're getting married, so here's the poem I wrote about us moving in together. For reference, we officially started dating on 11-13-23, so this poem was,,,,, 5 days into our relationship :D Can you tell I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her?
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winepresswrath · 1 year ago
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Cannot believe at this late stage of my life I'm becoming a Gabriel fucker. Local mean jock doesn't want to be evil now, he wants to be loved. I'm slightly annoyed they didn't make Beelzebub more unhinged because the "plot" should have been at least half about them fucking up shit on an absolute rampage trying to find Gabriel, a thing everyone assumes they are doing to fry him with hellfire so they can kick off the war in a way that's advantageous to hell, BUT ACTUALLY!!! true love.
#I do love evil love!#but more than that it's like... the terrible emptiness of heaven and hell?#absolutely no one has been having a good time!#they're just middle management admin suckers doing a soulless job no one else understands#they don't even care about earth! six thousand years of#mommy promised that if you all sit down and shut up we can have another war when the humans are dead#as a form of enrichment for their underlings#and they're just going along with it because that's the grind#incidentally I enjoyed how childish the angels were this season my pet theory is that they and the demons also have free will but no one#noticed so they've all just been making themselves miserable enforcing corporate culture and plotting each other's downfall because it#didn't occur to them to do anything else#gabriel and beelzebub realizing there's more to life and they can simply say fuck it and make something good between them#implies other angels and demons can do the same! as does Muriel obviously#like they are torturing each other. in much the same ways that humans are torturing each other#sad for Aziraphale and Crowley they care about earth & humans#which is a real problem they have that Gabzebub do not#and also that Crowley is in denial about how much he wants to be good and Aziraphale is in denial about just so many things and also#committed to being an ass about it.#these are problems that Gabriel and Beelzebub do NOT have because they are goal oriented and keep their eyes on the prize#good omens spoilers
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bunnihearted · 5 months ago
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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doomordestiny · 6 months ago
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how do you casually tell your friends you’d do anything for them. casually explain the lengths you’d go. how do you explain how much you love them when there is not enough words in any language to explain the all consuming devotion you hold. how can you put it into words for anyone to understand. how do you express that without sounding like a weirdo. idk.
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dgaftilwedie · 10 months ago
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@debbeh because u asked so nicely :3 (dis is about thomas thorne btw HEHEHEH(
favorite thing about them: there's literally so much?? i love his hair and his silly little outfit and the way he gets like super duper scottish out of nowhere :3
least favorite thing about them: the fact that he's not real obviously..........
favorite line:
brOTP: i love him and pat together :3 but also there is something about him and julian that makes me giggle LIKE THE SCENE WITH THE TOASTER!!!! I LOVE THE TOASTER SCENE
OTP: ME!!!!!!!!!! yes him and isabelle are very sweet but ME!!!!!!!!
nOTP: him and alison........ i love their friendship but yknow.........
random headcanon: he smells really good... like warm freshly clean linens, black coffee, and freshly cut roses... there's a faint smell of hazelnut and cocoa and old parchment and pen ink that follows wherever he goes. it's the kind of scent that you inhale and immediately want to bury your face in the source.
unpopular opinion: if he pulled the whole "divorce him, kill yourself, marry me" thing on ME??? i would've agreed without a second thought
song i associate with them: i feel like he would really like adrianne lenker :3
favorite picture of them: he looks so cutie patootie :(( i wanna hold him in my arms and protect him from the terrors of the world
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this-should-do · 5 months ago
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venting dont mind me xp ✌
#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die#either by my hand or my mothers#i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering#so i either leave or i die#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return#every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others#and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples#at least one of which includes me#why cant life be easy#when is it .y turn to tbrive#in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy#everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything#maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again#but no who would see would understand#my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face#i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say#shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely#say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her#that i ddi it to hurt her#i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan#contentness and love and adoration for my family#or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick#i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead#i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it#i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms#i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance#i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin#ill just be quiet#im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time#the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me
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jonathanbiers · 2 years ago
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the damage is fading, the deed is done
STATIC DRESS, "for the attention of..."
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