#but yeah like. one of those things that's short term experience rather than a long one

[eats-a-berry]

rarepair on side, rarepair on side!

[transmutationisms]

Genuine question here, how can we increase patient autonomy and handle psychiatric medication for people who are disabled to a point where communication and understanding medication schedules would be difficult? I think a lot of people in my circles have gotten to a point of understanding, yes, anti-psychs can be more detrimental to patients with no positives when talking about a person with psychosis in their 20s who is somewhat able to manage themselves, but have difficulty parsing what would be best in the case of an older person with a neurodigenerative disease, and as someone who is at risk for developing Alzheimer's, I'm not sure what patient autonomy would look like for myself at that stage of life.

alright so, the question of how to increase patient autonomy for those who are mentally incapacitated in various ways is a legitimate one -- this has been a problem in paediatric and geriatric medicine for reasons both social and biological, and also affects disabled/injured/sick people of any age.

the assumption you've attached, though, is that 'antipsychotics' (neuroleptics) are actually in a patient's best interest, and that therefore it might be justified to administer them without consent in cases where it cannot be obtained. this is just incorrect and tells me you didn't read any of the links in my other posts about neuroleptics. these are not drugs that 'cure' 'psychosis' -- they are drugs that used to be marketed as 'chemical lobotomies' for a reason! they are unsafe in the long and short term, and are administered because they make patients compliant (incapacitated, numbed out, chemically dependent). the question of consent is just moot here imo.

to touch on the general question: usually with patients who are unable to consent, what is supposed to happen involves a mix of designated legal representatives, loved ones who are present, professional patient advocates, and the patient's own advance directives. my opinion (& this is common among disability advocates) is that doctors are often overeager to decide patients cannot consent, and will talk over/about them rather than taking the time to try communicating with them in ways they can understand. a person's own legal representation or the hospital's patient advocates sometimes help bridge this gap, but many times these people are also nakedly ableist, and fundamentally it's ableism that is exacerbating this tension.

obviously there will also always be some cases where it's simply impossible to get consent from the patient themself (for example, my uncle had a pituitary tumour that made him suddenly and irreversibly experience a total break from reality, resolved only after his wife consented to surgery on his behalf) -- in those cases, yeah, medicine sometimes means intervening without a direct yes from the patient. but the reality is that many people who are currently considered unable to communicate, choose, or advocate for themselves are in fact capable of a trying to do those things -- they're simply not being granted that right in current social/economic conditions. this often includes people dealing with neurodegenerative conditions btw -- these are incredibly difficult conditions, i won't pretend otherwise, but it is a myth that they completely and instantly rob a person of all ability to formulate preferences about medical treatment or quality of life, or to express those preferences.

[alpaca-clouds]

Travel is good, tourism isn't

I said in the blog yesterday, that I think travel is good, but tourism isn't. So, let me explain this. And I will put this here first: I am going to explain it on the example of Japan, because I know the most about what is happening there in terms of travel and tourism - and what issues arise from it.

See, I do think travelling to foreign places (whatever that means for you) is a good thing. Experiencing other cultures and interacting people who due to their culture have a very different outlook on life and the world is a good thing. Not only to move away from a certain worldview (which for white people tends to be an eurocentric one, and for Americans an US-centric one), it also fosters empathy to other people.

And I think of this dramatic thing especially when it comes to Americans travelling, who due to their lacking education system often do know jack shit about the rest of the world.

However: I do both think that the thing we right now call tourism does not really help, but actually does hinder this - and is harmful in many other ways.

Right now, foreign tourists are no longer allowed in Gion, the Geisha quarter of Kyoto. The reason for it is, that too many of them were fucking disrespectful. Some made photos of the Geisha without asking, some even touched the kimono and the hair of the Geisha. Some even got angry and started arguing, when people told them to not do this.

Especially when it comes to Kyoto I can think of a variet of other examples. People have carved their names into temples. People touched things that are not supposed to be touched (like idols). People otherwise behaved inappropriately, for example towards kannushi and mikos. Folks have bathed their feet in pools meant for ritual cleansing. There are a lot of examples of this.

And I think part of this goes back to two things. For one again eurocentrism and the way, that a lot of especially white folks to not perceive other cultures as real. But also, and maybe more importantly, the mindset that: "I have paid $1500 for this trip and I get to very well do what I want." The different culture in this mindset gets treated like a themepark, not as a place filled with real people, rather than performers there to enhance the tourist's experience.

Meanwhile the tourists generally are not really interested to interact with the other culture further than that. Which is also, why they tend to flock to the same few places, to all go make their own photo of the same place that a million people have photographed before - as compared to going exploring in a foreign place.

And in some cases - like Kyoto - this also leads to the fact that the local people often get pushed out of the places they actually live in.

A lot of people will often say: "Yeah, but it is great for their economy." Which... leaving my capitalism-hating-ideation aside for a moment... Well, actually it is not good and COVID showed us. Because it makes the economy totally depedent on tourism. In places that are heavily dependent on tourism, the sudden complete anihilation of tourism with the pandemic pushed those places further into a crisis than anywhere else. Heck, keeping it with Kyoto: Given a lot of folks had jobs related to the tourism industry and there were in fact not many other jobs, a lot of people found themselves forced to move away from Kyoto during the pandemic.

So while the entire "but economy" thing will seem true on a short term, it actually is not on the long term.

And that is without going into the environmental impact that comes from a lot of people flocking to certain places. This is shown especially in areas, where folks go for "nature", destroying nature while they do so. Because nature just cannot handle thousands upon thousands of people travelling through.

So, what do I mean with "travel, instead of tourism"? Well, frankly: Yes, you still go to other places. But - to keep with Japan - instead of going to Kyoto you might go to Morigushi or Beppo, and instead of touring from one temple and shrine to the next, you will just interact with the places and explore them. To actually experience them, rather than some preconscieved notion of what it is supposed to be. And you interact with the people.

And you learn. Because we all just need to learn about different people, different cultures and different places. Rather than just consuming them.

[mins-fins]

new years day !

"what do you know about love?" "it can bruise, like a punch.."

synopsis: it's only during the new year that huang renjun learns what love is, and loves comes in the form of a charming, margarita indulging, poetry obsessed man, you. after the clock strikes midnight, you take the once love skeptical man on a journey of discovering feelings, full of polaroids, bottle cleaning, and smudged lipstick. the only real question is, what do you do end up as when new years day is over? is this all going to come to nothing in the end?

pairing: huang renjun x male!reader

genre: modern au, not a uni au they've already graduated from uni 😭, strangers to lovers, they have a fling kinda, new years day..literally, this fic takes place during new years eve and new years day, fluff, light light angst, FAST ASS BURN!!

warnings: swearing, explicit language, sexual jokes, mentions of hookups, implications of sex but no smut, mentions of drinking, mentions of toxic workplace environments, things going from 1 to 100 so soon

word count: 12.6k

notes: one of the strangest pieces of writing i have ever completed.. let me get one thing straight, i 💗 renjun, i miss him and i hope hes doing well and taking care of himself :( this fic took the shortest time to write compared to like orbit of yours or all flights are delayed, literally completed this in less than a week.. thats a new isa record i think 😣 anyway!! i decided to do smth different with this fic, instead of just writing a bunch of scenes the singular scenes alone are all about a good few thousand words long, so it might seem short in terms of scenes cause there are really only eight, but each scene is super long so you'll be praying for it to end!!! is this probably super unrealistic? yes, but it's huang renjun so idc, enjoy :)

AT 11:34 PM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF IN a spot he didn't want to be. after the many failures he's had on all the previous years on new years eves, he was ready to stay home, with a heavy sweater on, pop a bag of popcorn, and sit down on his couch to rewatch the last season of bridgerton once again. he did not want to go out at all, he was not planning to go out at all. no drinking, no bar dates, no stupid flings that end up with the guy not calling you in the end, just him, alone, at his place, eating a shitload of popcorn and crying as much as possible even if there was nothing to cry about it.

going out and sitting at a bar was not on the list of things he wanted to do this new years eve. it reminds him too much of past flings which didn't really end well.. god all of those guys who acted like they were sooooo into him just to drop him the moment he wanted anything other than sex.

he wants to snap all of their necks right now.

renjun was not preparing to go out today, yeah it's new years eve and shit but he doesn't care, he doesn't want to drink.

but lee donghyuck, fucking lee donghyuck just had to stick his head in and beg for renjun to go out with the rest of them. his coworkers don't really annoy him, he just wishes they would stop nagging him. all huang renjun wanted to do on his new years eve was sit down and spend his day at home, watching stupid shows about love, love he knows he'll never get to experience because all the men he attracts are assholes who'd rather die before committing to anything.

and yeah, maybe renjun is being harsh, but the world has been so harsh on him already, he deserves to be harsh, the world deserves it!

so when donghyuck showed up to his place with the offering of him to go out with the rest of the group, he was quick to decline because he knew it was going to end up the same way it always did. he'd wake up having had yet another drunken one night stand and the guy would become nothing but a memory until the next new year when he did it all over again.

"but why not!? drinking can help you forget about that asshole jin—"

"don't mention his name" renjun scolded earlier that day, a steady glare in his eyes pointed at the younger. he heard the sigh of defeat escape donghyuck's lips, but he doesn't care, he turns back around to finish washing the dishes he'd left in the sink before. "and no, drinking isn't going to solve that problem, it'll make it worse".

"but you can't be alone on new year's eve!"

renjun turned back to the yelling lee, a deadpanned expression on his face. "yes i can, i literally will".

"ugh! you're so boring! jeno help me plead my case here!"

renjun just rolled his eyes, trying his best to ignore the insult from his 'friend'. it wasn't often that they decided to crowd up in his place, but because of the new year coming up, and his lack of interest in doing their little new years tradition, they all banded together to try and convince him to go out and drink.

"maybe going out will help you forget about your mess of an ex boyfriend".

"it never helps".

"maybe you should stop trying to get into some guys pants every time, then" jaemin judged out loud, and the older snapped his head towards him to glare once again, offended by that idea. "what? don't look at me like that, it's true!"

"it is not! you're acting like i'm some sort of sex obsessed freak!"

"well only on new years—"

"i have a knife here, do you want me to kill your right now?" he threatened, pointing the knife littered with soap at donghyuck, who shrieked and quickly hid behind jeno. he scoffed, dropping the sharp blade into the sink and drying off his hands. "i'm not going out drinking with you guys".

"so what? you're just going to sit around and do nothing?"

"that is the plan" the huang clicked his tongue, and a groan sounded from the rest of his same aged friends, which just resulted in him snickering at their misery. "whine all you want, i don't care".

"come on, renjunie!" jaemin quickly stood up and wrapped his arms around the older, a pout on his face as he stared at him, practically pleading through his eyes. "please! we won't do anything stupid we swear!" he cupped the older's face, squishing his cheeks between his hands.

renjun simply allowed for the action to happen, because jaemin would've continued to whine like a baby if he tried to push him anyway. "it's just today! you don't even have to drink, you can just sit around with us! pleaaseeeeeee?"

"okay okay get off" renjun pushed the younger away from him, lightly caressing his jaw as he tried to recover from his vice grip. "fine, i'll go out if it stops you all from being so annoying".

the gasp from donghyuck and his subsequent yell in victory made renjun roll his eyes again as he quickly dismissed his friends with a waving hand. "stop yelling or i'll change my mind".

jeno quickly nudged donghyuck, who stopped his yelling and just gave a blinding smile. "we'll see you later then, renjunie! chenle will text you the address!"

renjun was not looking forward to this outing they had planned.

so here he is, december 31st, 11:34 pm, sat at a bar as his friends all get up to their own things. when he first did arrive, he thought he'd only be there for a good hour and a half before leaving, but no, it's almost twenty minutes away from midnight and he's still here, sat at the bar, without a drink anywhere near him.

at this point, he's about to order a drink just to make himself less bored.

"excuse me?" he calls out, catching the attention of the bartender in front of him. he gives a small smile, lightly straightening up his seat and sighing. "hi, can i have a kir royale?"

the bartender raises an eyebrow, blinking at the stranger in front of him. "just that?"

"just that" he confirms, smiling when he earns a nod from the stranger before him. "thank you".

"kir royale? you have questionable taste.."

renjun startles when he hears the sound of an unfamiliar voice, while he would've been annoyed if it was one of his friends who decided to keep him company after abandoning him to go on and do stuff with other people, he probably would've preferred them instead of.. well, you.

and that's not in an insulting way, you just make everything so complicated for renjun.

"questionable?" renjun raises an eyebrow, just a little irritated by the words from this stranger who had seemingly come out of nowhere. you blink, snickering lightly as you settle down beside him, you already have a drink of your own, but renjun can't currently focus on that. "what is that supposed to mean?"

"just didn't think it would be someone's first choice.." you mutter, fingers toying with the glass of your cup. "but i can't judge anyone for they're drink choices, i can't really judge anyone for anything" you giggle to yourself, and renjun catches your smile, a smile he decides is pretty.

renjun allows for a small laugh to escape his own lips, probably the first time he ever laughed that night, it wouldn't be the last time, though. "i just want something to drink, at this point, it doesn't matter if it tastes good or bad anymore, my year has been insanely shitty".

"oh? trying to erase the mistakes of the previous twelve months with drinking?"

"you could say that" renjun replies, smiling softly at you then turning back to the bartender in front of him, he let out another small 'thank you' and slid the drink over to him smoothly. "i just don't want to drink too much" he says, beginning to dig through his wallet to pay for this little drink.

"scared of the hangover?"

"not the hangover, just scared of saying something i'll regret" he chuckles again, finally finding his card and paying for his drink. he again smiles at the bartender and places his card back in his wallet, merely glancing at you.

"hm" you respond, taking another sip of your drink. "that's understandable".

"yeah.." he mumbles, immediately looking away from you as he feels his face redden stupidly quickly. what is he even blushing for? he just met you, there is no reason you should be flustering him, you didn't even do anything. "what's your name?" he's quick to ask, and you hum again as a response, picking at your nails.

"y/n".

renjun finally looks at you as you say your name, you aren't looking at him, checking the time on your phone. he looks you up down, examining everything about you, your clothes are nice, the jewelry your wearing is nice, your hair is nice, everything about you is nice.

your lips are especially nice, he would describe them as beautiful even.

but renjun should not be staring at your lips, or even be thinking about them, he didn't agree to go out just to hook up with another guy, he is not going to do that, it'd be idiotic for him to. yeah you're pretty, very pretty, but renjun isn't going to allow for this conversation to escalate into something.. else, he's not going to surrender his pride because of a pretty guy he met at a bar.

"and you?"

renjun's face only burns more when he realizes he's been silent all this time, just marking each of your features in his head, he probably looked so stupid, just staring at you speechless. "oh! me? me! yeah uh— renjun".

"renjun" you snap your fingers as you say his name. "ren-jun, pretty, i like it".

"pretty?"

"yeah, a pretty name for a pretty guy".

renjun immediately wants to rebut with a snappy response, but he gets much more flustered than he wants to admit, because he instead begins trying to sputter out a response with his face now reddening excessively. "i— flirting with me on new year's eve, really?"

"not flirting, just telling you what i observed".

"so you think i'm pretty?"

"i'd be lying if i said i didn't" you reply smoothly, a grin tugging at your lips as you take another sip of your almost finished drink. "is it such a surprise that i think so?"

"well.. no, but it's just, i don't know, i don't want to do something i'll regret".

you raise an eyebrow, clearly puzzled by the seemingly cryptic words. "what does that mean?"

renjun lets out a small sigh, he can't believe he's going to say this, especially to you, a pretty stranger he met at a bar on new year's eve. "i can't start a new thing with another guy on new year's eve because it never ends up well, i should've learned my lesson by now".

you blink, staring at renjun for much longer than he thinks he could ever handle. you're silent for a while, processing his words and tilting your head to the side to get a better look at him. "ah, so all of your new year's eve hookups end terribly?"

"not just my new year's eve hookups, all of my attempts at love have ended terribly, can't believe love is advertised as something so desirable but every single time i try, i fail!"

"that has to do more with the people you entangle yourself with, not love itself".

"love is stupid" renjun's teeth drag against each other as he says those words, harsh words, yes, but he deserves to be harsh, the world deserves his wrath because the only thing that's ever been given to him is heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak! you let out a small chuckle at the sight of his gritted teeth, the words amuse you.

"is it? or have you just had horrible experiences with it?"

"okay mr love expert" renjun is quick to rebut, and the statement is enough to get yet another laugh out of you. "what do you know about love?"

you pause for a moment as you think about the words he suddenly spits, the question makes you smile, that pretty smile that renjun loves so much, he wants to punch you in the face for being so pretty.

"it can bruise, like a punch.." your quick to answer, fiddling with your shirt collar. "but it's not all bad, love can be beautiful, entrancing, when you do find someone who really loves you, it can be a magical experience, a whirlwind of joy you never knew you could feel for another human being".

"are you into all that poetic bullshit?"

"i guess you could say that".

renjun giggles, a small shake of his head accompanying the sound which escapes his lips. he won't lie, you're very funny, hilarious even. at least he has you as company on this terrible new year's eve, even with your stupid talks of love, he enjoys having you around. "are you going to try to redeem love for me?"

the words are much more flirtatious than he intends for them to be, but it seems you don't notice, because you just smile at his words. "i can't change something you don't want me to, i can only inform you on how i feel about the topic".

renjun opens his mouth to say something in return, but he doesn't really know how to respond to that. god, how have you managed to leave him so speechless even though this is your first encounter? he's about to collapse onto the floor with how surprised he is.

but somehow, renjun stands his ground, literally. "your pretty well spoken for someone so.. you".

"someone so me?"

"yeah" renjun clears his throat. "you remind me of a friend of mine, you probably have so many people falling at your feet without you even having to do anything".

"you make me sound much more interesting than i actually am" you finally finish your drink, your cheeks are dusted red, and you fiddle with the glass in your hands, tracing each of the cuts carved into it. renjun has no idea why he focuses on your hands, but he does, he intently watches as your fingers move skillfully, and his ears begin burning at just the fact that he's staring at your fingers.

oh you've hit a whole new low, huang renjun.

"so you're not some cool playboy who has seven boyfriends?"

"do i strike you as a whore?"

that made renjun laugh even harder, and he had to cover his mouth with his hand. "you're so.. abrupt".

"i like to think that's one of my best traits" you respond, clasping your hands together before focusing your full attention on renjun, attention which immediately makes all of renjun's senses heighten. "so, any interesting new year's resolutions?"

renjun groans at the question, playfully rolling his eyes. "i have to stop making mistakes when it comes to the men i choose to love".

you hum, finger beginning to circle around a small spot atop the counter. renjun has to use pretty much all of his inner power to prevent his eyes from falling down towards your fingers and staring at them. he really has no idea why he's resisting these very needy urges, he doesn't want to seem easy to you, he doesn't want to seem easy to anyone.

but there's something about you, something that makes him want to stay instead of leave, this is something different, not like the other encounters he's had with cute guys at bars on new year's eve. "and what about you? what is your resolution?"

"probably to quit my shitty job".

renjun snorts, finding the statement amusing. "that's a good one, much better than mine".

"i would disagree, yours seems full of much more ambition".

"well i do pride myself on my ambitious spirit" renjun hums, unabashedly checking you out right in front of you, maybe it's the one drink getting to his head, but he's no longer ashamed anymore, he's doing it in broad daylight. "i think you're pretty too".

renjun has no idea where those words came from, but they definitely have an impact, because a small red hue settles on your cheeks, and renjun smiles in victory, he flustered you, he's so proud of himself for that. "oh really? you think i'm pretty, renjun?"

you lean closer to him as you say those words, allowing for your breath to fan against his face, and getting a close up few of his striking features. your eyes cast down towards his lips, but you quickly look back up to make eye contact, not wanting to distract yourself.

renjun, on the other hand, finds himself frozen in place. you're close, you're so close, and renjun can see each of the pores on your face. he can't move, so he doesn't move, he allows for his eyes to drag around your face and mark each of your very features.

"yeah" he responds, voice frail and barely above a whisper. "arguably the prettiest guy i've ever met at a bar on new year's eve" his response gets a small smile out of you, and you click your tongue as you merely glance away.

"rich of you to say, you're probably the prettiest guy i've ever met point blank".

"don't try to one up me".

you raise an eyebrow, that annoying smile still on your lips. "i just did".

renjun just bites his bottom lip, he can't help but stare directly at yours.

he is unashamed.

AT 11:57 PM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF IN an unfamiliar spot, but a familiar situation. his hands tangled in your hair, your fingers caressing his waist under his shirt, nothing against your back but the steel of your sink and the feeling of his lips on yours, renjun found himself amused by his current circumstances. what did he say again earlier? right, he wasn't going out to end up in the same place he always did on new year's eve, but here is, history truly has a way of repeating itself. renjun doesn't care if he comes off as desperate, it felt horrible trying to contain himself out there, he can't believe he actually did end up surrendering his pride to you, the pretty guy he met at a bar.

well, that's not exactly it.

having the sudden need for air, you pull away, chuckling at the way renjun doesn't really move away from you, his fingers in your hair settle for a moment, and they begin gently running through it, as if he's trying to coax you into a slumber or something. "is this how you spend your new year's eve? making out with a guy in a bar bathroom?"

renjun scoffs, registering your red face, he wants to laugh, but his is probably not better off, so he stops himself. "did you want to make out outside?"

"i think you wanted to make out outside, did you think you were slick?"

renjun frowns, it's not a serious frown, it's a playful one, and shoves your shoulder lightly. "i should've never kissed you.."

"aww" you pout, over exaggerating your expression to amuse the man in front of you. it seems to work, because renjun snorts at the way you're looking at him. he simply tightens his hold in your hair and pulls you closer to press your lips against his once more, making you squeak lightly in surprise.

"you're so annoying.." he whispers against your lips, he wants to act on his hearts desire, but instead refrains from kissing you once again, though your lips do look tempting, he already did it enough in the span of a few minutes. "you're lucky your cute".

"thank you" you hum happily, a pretty grin tugging on your lips as you stare at him. "you're cuter, though".

that results in a tch from renjun. "corny".

"cornier".

renjun snickers, preparing a new rebuttal as he continues running his fingers through your hair. you decide you like the feeling, so you don't tell him to let go of your hair, just allow for his fingers to relax and cart through your it. "can't believe i ended up here with you.." he mutters under his breath, and you simply smile as you pretend you didn't hear that.

unconsciously, your fingers again disappear under his shirt to caress his waist. renjun settles into the touch, your full hand isn't exactly wrapped around his waist, but you still manage to cover most of it, even if what your doing is just feeling his skin with the touch of your cold fingers. "where else would you want to be, right now?"

"at home, in my bed, under a mountain of blankets".

you tilt your head, staring at him. you find it funny how casual everything between the two of you seems after having a nonstop make out session where he quite literally pressed you against the sink, his duality is simply admirable. "i can't say that doesn't seem completely alluring right now".

renjun lets a smile come to his face, but a whole new realization suddenly dawns on him. it is new year's eve, the countdown should be starting soon. "what time is it?" he asks you, words rushed and simply spat out in a moment of clear confusion.

you glance down at your watch, narrowing your eyes at the numbers presented on the miniature clock. "a minute till midnight, not sure about how many seconds are left though".

renjun opens his mouth to ask another question, but is quickly cut off by the sound of someone outside shouting about the ten second countdown to new year's day. he looks at you again, and a smile comes to your face. "guess we won't be counting down with the crowd".

you now fully wrap your arms around his waist, easily pulling him closer to you as you hear the crowd of people outside begin counting down. ten, nine, eight; "don't you find this fun, though? spending new year's with a pretty bar boy?"

then seven, then six, renjun can't really focus properly on anything. "eh, it could be better".

he drops his hand from your hair and starts down with his index finger, stopping at your shirt collar that he quickly begins to fiddle with. five; the numbers are practically burning into his head at this point.

you seem to notice him thinking, and you nudge him, squeezing his waist gently. "hey" you call out, a small whisper, you remove one of your hands from his waist to lift his chin with your index finger, making eye contact with you. "don't think so much, just be in the moment".

four, three, two.

renjun allows for a sigh to escape his lips, trying his best to push all of his anxieties away as he looks up at you. he, again, tilts his head and leans closer to you. just at the last shout of one, he barely whispers it, seemingly just a lingering breath on your lips. "happy new year".

and again, renjun initiates the kiss between you two. if anyone saw him right now, they'd think he was dying with how urgent he seemed. it was like he'd die if you didn't put your lips on his, kissing you like a man on death row. he kept himself pressed against you, as if the idea of not feeling every single part of you was unfathomable.

you weren't much better off, though not the one initiating the kiss, you slowly take over the control, transforming it into less of a heated moment and more of a soft one, nothing but a few press of the lips, less rushed and more thought out. your fingers continue to caress his waist, ignoring the growing butterflies in your stomach.

surely this can't be anything serious, this is just a random guy your making out with in a bar bathroom on new year's eve. why would it ever be serious?

you refrain yourself from thinking too much about it.

when renjun finally pulls away, catching his breath in the process, his eyes immediately look down onto the floor, avoiding eye contact with you like you would turn him into stone if he even looked you in the eye. "sorry, i.. i don't know why i did all that".

you chuckle lightly, just smiling at him. "it's fine, i mean— you do know how to handle things your passionate about".

renjun laughs at the joke, still not looking at you. you want to take his jaw in your hands and move him to look at you, to make eye contact with you, but you stop yourself from doing that, the last thing you want to do is make him uncomfortable because you want him to look at you. "happy new year, renjun".

the soft spoken statement makes renjun finally turn to look at you. he has no idea why, but his face heats up upon seeing the small smile painted on your features, your smile is very pretty, he can't stress that enough today.

he doesn't stop himself from moving up his hand and touching your cheek, beginning to caress your soft skin with his thumb. this is strangely intimate, much more intimate than he usually gets with guys he meets at bars on new year's eve, what's with you that's so different? what is it about you that has his stomach flipping in strange ways?

"happy new year, y/n" he finally answers, sharing the same soft smile with you that you shared with him. it's a strange moment, the air isn't thick, it's not suffocating you two, everything feels..just right.

his lipstick has probably gone to shit by now, all smudged and messed up, he can see the marks on your neck, marks that make his stomach squirm in ways he can't explain. he doesn't really know if he wants all of this to end right now, and as his eyes zero in on your lips again, he blurts one of the first things he can think of.

"i don't— i mean.. come home with me?"

the question makes you blink, and even renjun seems confused by the words. why did i ask that? why the fuck did i ask that? he's literally about to die from the second hand embarrassment he feels.

"are you sure you want that?"

"we don't have to do anything!" he immediately shouts defensively, face so red he might collapse from the excessive heat of his cheeks. "we could just talk and stuff, i don't know, i just want your company i guess.."

renjun doesn't look at you as he mutters those words, again way too embarrassed to look you in the eye. how did you even manage to get him like this? he doesn't think he's ever been this flustered by a guy he just met ever.

it's so embarrassing.

"well i can't disagree with such an offer, can i?"

renjun attempts his best unbothered scoff, but he is already so bothered by you, if his red face is anything to go by. "shut up before i change my mind".

and all you do is chuckle.

AT 12:10 AM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF ON a walk down the sidewalk with his hands laced together with yours. the streets are much more crowded on this day, and at this time, that's a rare sight. he can see all the people giggling, drunkenly making their way across the streets and down the sidewalks, friends helping other friends support themselves, girls walking while carrying their heels because their feet have begun to cramp, strangers giggling and going on with their lives. renjun allows for himself to observe everyone doing their own thing, stars in the sky shining brightly above him, but even with his focus on the other people around, his attention quickly floats back to you, and he notices that you're too lost in your own world of observation.

though he asked you to come home with him, renjun didn't really think the whole thing through, it was a weirdly impulsive decision that he would usually always overthink before making, but with you.. you just have this unsaid affect on renjun he can't explain, you have this ability to turn his brain into mush.

of course, he couldn't just go home with you without telling his friends he was going home. donghyuck was already passed out by that point, so renjun was spared from his teasing, but that didn't mean jaemin and chenle went easy on him, with their raising eyebrows and tormenting tones of voice.

you charmed those two immediately, impressing them by doing literally anything. they both exchanged enticed glances as they sent renjun a few frivolous looks, looks that he chose to respond with glares as he tried to ignore his quickly reddening face. jaemin made sure to take extra time shaking your hand (a handshake which renjun laser focused on), even squeezing it for extra measure.

so renjun was sort of right, you do easily have people falling at your feet.

renjun pretended to not notice the way you clearly enchanted the two, and he also pretended not to notice the snicker you let out as he quickly dragged you away from his friends, midway through one of his jaemin's pick up lines.

no he wasn't jealous, and even if he was, he was not going to admit that to anyone, not even to any of his friends (the little 'lucky' text he got from chenle was funny, though, he'd admit that).

"the stars are beautiful tonight".

renjun snaps out of his whirlwind of thoughts as he hears the small mutter from you. the two of you are still holding hands, when did you even begin holding hands? renjun has no idea, but for some reasons, it feels right, like your fingers slip together so perfectly, just your hand in his is the perfect feeling, like it was the missing piece of a puzzle.

you're staring up at the sky, eyes practically lit up in interest as you stared at the luminous balls of gas in the night sky. renjun lets out a small laugh at how engrossed you are in the stars shining in the sky, and you notice that small laugh, because you finally stop your stargazing to look over at renjun. "what's so funny?"

"you just look so into the stars" he replies, a small smile coming to his face as he looks into your eyes. "your fascination is admirable" he whispers, saying the words in a low voice like it's a secret he wants to keep only between you two.

you blink, staring at renjun as if you were in love with him or something, a look that makes him feel much more giddy than he'd like to admit. then, though you're clearly flustered, you clear your throat and try your best to not make your red face obvious. "really? i think my interest in stars is nerdy".

"nerdy?"

"that's what everyone else says".

renjun lets his face fall in just the slightest, the words upsetting him lightly. still, he doesn't say anything about it, instead answering something else you mentioned. "your interest in stars is cute, i like seeing people so passionate about things".

you raise an eyebrow, only focusing on one specific word in that sentence. "cute?"

"it was the first word to come to mind".

"hm" you swing your hands back and forth, scooting closer to renjun as you do so.

you're close, you're so close, renjun is unsure of how he's even able to continue breathing with the way your shoulders brush against each other, he squeezes your laced hands, trying to brush off any other thoughts he might be having at the moment. "is stargazing a hobby of yours?"

"it's only really a hobby i do on certain nights, nights when i know certain constellations can be soon, or a shooting star is happening".

"ah" renjun loves that response much more than he can express with words. "you always talk about your hobbies as if you're in love with them".

"well it's just how i get when i'm very into something, i can't really just express things normally when it comes to shit like that".

renjun lets out a laugh at the words, catching view of his tall apartment building and tightening his grip on your hand, making you squeak in surprise as he jolts you forward with a hard tug of your hand. you could easily overpower him, make his life harder by refusing to be dragged, but you allow him to drag you forward towards the doors of his building.

"jeez, don't yank my arm off, huang" you chastise playfully, using his surname to aggravate him, but he only shoots a small glare at you. "what's the rush?" you inquire, frowning lightly as his hand slips from yours, you settle beside him in the elevator, watching him as he presses the five button with his finger.

"there is no rush" he lies, a clear, bold faced lie. he does nothing but smile at you, anxiously swaying back and forth as he stares at the elevator going up one by one. "don't give me that look".

you chuckle at his sudden scolding. "what look?"

"the look where you start reading my inner most thoughts" renjun states, as if he was sure of the kind of look you were giving him. when he sees the puzzled look in your eyes, he sighs. "it's a look i've gotten from many of my friends, feels like you're seeing through my head and know what i'm thinking".

you smile at his explanation, finding the words to be humorous. "well you do think so expressively, i feel like i can hear your thoughts running".

"should i be worried about how you described that?"

"definitely not, what are you thinking so hard about?"

renjun pauses at the question, the dinging of the elevator at floor two, doors opening to welcome in two drunk college students, two drunk college students who press the floor eight button and move to a corner of the elevator to keep themselves wrapped in each other's arms. renjun blinks at the sight of them, unconsciously moving closer to you, bumping into you in the process.

you move your hand down to intertwine your fingers with his, an action that renjun questions, but doesn't rebel against. the students are much too interested in their own conversation to care about you two, so you nudge renjun, who finally looks back at you. "answer my question, what were you thinking so hard about?"

the volume of your voice is much lower, you probably don't want to disturb the also muttering students in the elevator, but it's also because you don't want to expose renjun's answer to these two strangers he probably doesn't want to share his thoughts with. "it's a secret" he responds with a small whisper, leaning closer to you as says those words, the words a whisper against your ear.

his sudden closeness is enough to fluster you.

seemingly glad that he caused your newly reddened face, renjun leans away from your ear and smiles happily, swinging your laced hands back and forth. if you think about it, the two of you kind of look like a couple, the thought is enough to amuse you, because you really just are strangers who enjoy kissing each other, you didn't even know each other two hours ago, and now he's bringing you home with him.

if this is the story you think it is, the ending seems pretty clear.

it seems that the time flies by, because you look up at the counting numbers and the elevator dings, floor five. you barely have time to react before renjun's grip on your hand tightens, and he drags you by your hand once again, this time out of the elevator and towards his unit.

you swear you hear those drunk college kids giggle at the sight of you two.

"this place is nice" you comment absentmindedly, reading off each of the numbers placed on each of the other doors. "better than anything i could afford on my own, what do you do for work?"

"i work for a graphic design company".

"what's your position? do you run the place or something?"

renjun snickers at your surprise, finally stopping the two of you in front of a door which reads the number 'fifteen'. he begins digging through his pocket for his house key, though acknowledging your question as he does so. "i'm just good at my job i guess.. pay has always been good for me".

after finding his key, renjun attempts to open the door, but he struggles a few times to put his key in the key slot, an annoyed groan escaping his lips as he turns his key over again.

you chuckle at his little battle, catching his scrunched nose and furrowed eyebrows. "need some help there?"

renjun sends you a quick glare. "haha, very funny" he says, looking back to his front door and finally, after what seemed like forever, he unlocked the door of his home, gesturing with his head for you to come in.

you blink at him, but as you watch him step forward, you also step forward, letting yourself into his space. you pause as you begin looking around the expanse of an area. it's a nice place, yeah it lives up to the pristine outside of the apartment building, save for a few empty bottles littering the floor. the place is cozy, the air in the room is comforting to you, it isn't thick or anything.

you feel comfortable here.

"you gonna stand there forever?"

you laugh at renjun's inquiry, continuing to look around his complex, picking up on the many art pieces pinned against the wall. "what else am i supposed to do?" you ask back, allowing for renjun's home decor to catch your attention, it's all strangely him, they all describe his personality so well.

"come with me".

"is that an order? or.." you get an answer to that question when you turn to renjun and he stares at you with that pointed look, so you know better than to question his words, and like a lost puppy, you follow behind him to his room.

renjun doesn't say anything more, just takes off his jacket and falls face first onto his bed. you sort of just stand there awkwardly, fidgeting with the zipper on your jacket. renjun turns over, eyes staring up at the ceiling, they then flick over to you, a soft look in them dedicated towards you.

you simply blink at him, chuckling at the display before you. renjun doesn't speak, just gestures you over with his index finger. when you step closer, you simply sigh and sit down on his soft mattress, you were about to fall back and go to sleep yourself, but you stop from doing such things. "what's up with you?"

renjun sighs, and that sigh quickly forms into a soft whine. "i'm so tired y/n" his head rests against his pillow, and his eyes begin drooping shut slowly.

you smile, he's so cute. "then sleep".

renjun seems to want to comply with that, but he thinks about it before answering. "are you still gonna be here when i wake up?"

the question baffles you, it's a question asked with pure exhaustion in his voice, a look in his eye that's so tempting you just want to dive in to kiss him at this very moment, but you stop yourself from acting on such desires, trying to seem not as desperate as you felt. you shrug at the question, which makes renjun frown. "it depends on if you want me here when you wake up".

"if i wake up in the next few hours and i don't see you right there beside me, we are going to have serious issues y/n".

his demanding tone and the serious look in his eye is enough to get another chuckle out of you. renjun then makes himself comfortable, patting the pillow beside his. "lay down with me".

"you're so bossy" you laugh, and renjun is too annoyed to punch your shoulder, so he lets out a tiny irritated grunt in response. you let your jacket fall to the floor, laying your head down onto the soft material of the pillow, almost falling asleep right then and there.

renjun reaches out and begins caressing your cheek with his thumb. again, it's strangely intimate, a satisfying touch against your face which begins to relax you. renjun has no idea why he keeps doing this, but you would tell him if you felt uncomfortable, and you aren't, you like the feeling if you say so yourself.

but just as you were about to doze off, getting coaxed to sleep by the smooth ministrations on your cheek, renjun asks one last question.

"you sure you're still gonna be here when i wake up?"

through your sleepy haze, you nod and let out a tiny chuckle, eyes closing against your own will. "i will, promise".

"promise.." renjun mimics, it's not a question, not a statement or anything, he just whispers the word into the air, continuing to stroke your cheek as he stares at you, slowly slipping into a deep sleep.

sleep quickly takes him away as well, but not before he smiles at the sight of your tired face.

AT 8:03 AM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF IN the same spot he fell asleep, which he very much expected. he only rubs his eyes in the slightest, they take a little too long to adjust to the light permeating through the window, though only a small crack of sunlight, it's enough to make his eyes close once again, taking a few more eye openings for them to adjust to the sight of his surrounding room. when they finally to adjust, he's quick to glance over at the spot beside him, and he smiles as he sees you in the same place he left you. you had kept your promise of still being there when he woke up, and though renjun would probably call himself stupid for this on most days, he stops and stares. he keeps his head laid back comfortably onto his pillow and watches you sleep.

that sounds pretty creepy in hindsight, but at the current moment, renjun feels like he has to stare at your snoring figure. your face is half turned into the pillow your laying on, your cheeks dusted red as they press into the soft fabric of the pillow. he giggles softly as he watches your chest rise and fall, the only sound he can hear being the inhales your taking in and the exhales your letting out.

ah, so you're not a snorer, renjun finds the fact to be surprising. it's not that he expected you to have monster snoring habits or something, but he expected at least some sort of loud noises from you while you slept, but no, you sleep so gently.

you sleep like a baby, and you also look like one in the dimly lit room. sun shining on your face, highlighting your features, your pink lips parted as you let out short breaths, your cheeks a rosy red, he can't help but smile at the sight of you sleeping in front of him.

you look so cute, so serene, renjun wants to pinch your cheek and never let go.

but then he's struck with the realization that he has to wake up, a realization that makes him frown as he lets out a small groan.

the sound emanating from his lips seems to be loud enough that you startle out of your slumber, shifting slightly against the mattress. renjun almost jumps back in surprise when he sees you shift again, rubbing your eyes and letting out a small groan. renjun doesn't take his eyes off you, though, just watches you stretch awake, then close your eyes once again.

after what seems like forever, your eyes open and you blink a few times at the male in front of you. when you stop blinking, you smile at him, as he makes no effort to even try to look away from you. "hi" you greet, taking a deep breath as you sigh against the material of the pillow under your head.

"hi" renjun greets back, unable to resist his giggle as he stares at your tired morning face.

you try your best to tilt your head, humming at his greeting. "were you watching me?" you ask immediately, trying your best to tease him even with the rasp of your voice.

"yeah".

"you creep".

renjun does nothing to confirm or deny the claim, simply hums and gently flicks your forehead, making you let out a wince of pain, a wince he's sure you're faking. "you sleep like a baby".

you furrow your eyebrows, seemingly confused by that statement. "what is that supposed to mean?"

"you sleep so peacefully, like you have no responsibilities in life".

the statement makes you snicker, and you turn more into the pillow to hide your quickly reddening face. renjun giggles again, fulfilling his desire of pinching your cheek, an act of affection that you quickly flinch away from, clearly flustered but instead feigning annoyance.

"that's a stupid way to describe it".

"was just describing what i saw".

"okay then responsible adult, go get up and do responsible adult things".

renjun rolls his eyes, shoving your shoulder and rising from his comfortable blanket, stretching his arms above his head. he slaps your thigh, eliciting a small yelp from you. "come on, let's go".

you seem puzzled by that order. "let's go where?"

"to the bathroom, we have to go brush our teeth".

"we?"

"yes we, get up i have an extra toothbrush for you".

so, again like a lost puppy, you rise from your place on renjun's bed and follow behind him to the bathroom.

you find it laughable how easily you fall under his control.

"do you enjoy ordering me around?"

"i think you enjoy being ordered around" renjun is quick to accuse, an accusation that you just chuckle at, which is all he needs as confirmation. he gets into a familiar spot in front of his mirror, picking up his toothbrush and turning on the sink. "you never question my orders, you always follow me around, do you like that in guys?"

you laugh at the words, clearly amused but clearly not offended. he picks up an extra toothbrush and hands it over to you, having to resist the urge to smile at the sight of your messy hair. "you could say something like that".

renjun scoffs softly. "you're gross" he comments, rolling his eyes as he begins brushing his teeth, staring at you through the reflection of the mirror. renjun focuses less on brushing his teeth and more on how pretty you look, even having just rolled out of bed and hair pretty much messed out of proportion, you still look so beautiful in his eye.

you notice his eyes on you, and seeing as he's currently brushing his teeth, you decide to take your chance. "if you like how i look that much you can just say so".

renjun almost bites down on his toothbrush upon hearing the words. clever asshole, he says in his head, irritated by how you took that opportunity to make a witty comment.

you grin in victory, beginning to brush your teeth just as renjun spits out the toothpaste formerly in his mouth. "you think you're sooo smooth, huh?"

he's annoyed, most definitely flustered, though, if his red cheeks are any indicator, but he's not going to give the satisfaction of flustering him (even though you definitely did). you nod at his question, proud of your flirty little comment.

"you're so annoying".

"and cute right?"

the two of you make eye contact through the mirror reflection again, and you use that opportunity to wink at him while he has his eyes on you, only making renjun scrunch his nose again.

"you're not cute".

"i think you'd disagree, seeing as how you were literally devouring me back in that bathroom".

renjun sends you a glare, immediately flipping you off as he sees you wink again in the reflection of the mirror.

"at least be nice to me".

renjun rolls his eyes so much that he's sure they're going to get stuck in the same spot.

oh you're so good at annoying him.

AT 10:48 AM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF IN a spot he'd rather not be in. he lets na jaemin get away with things way too often, because there are way too many bottles on the floor and at least half of them were drank by him. still, he can't just leave the mess on the floor, it's not like it'll clean itself up. after eating breakfast, and making sure to insult your favorite cereals, renjun stared at the hefty bottle mess on the floor for what seemed like years. he then rolled his eyes and let out a groan knowing he had to clean it all up. he can't really make an excuse now, so, he starts his picking up the empty bottles off the floor, cursing in his head as he finds himself starting to get annoyed once again.

"renjun! do you see this?"

oh right, you're still here. renjun pauses to look over at you, and he lightly chuckles at what he sees. your standing there (in one of his sweaters by the way holy shit) with a polaroid camera in your hands. it's a camera renjun recognizes, he used to love that thing when he first got it, but he forgot about it after a while. "where'd you find that?"

"in your room".

renjun raises an eyebrow, a grin tugging at his lips. "were you going through my stuff?"

you look baffled by the question, and you quickly stutter through your response. "no! no! i wasn't i was just looking for a sweater because you told me to and i found it in your closet!"

renjun finds it easy to laugh at your display, and the frown on your face is so cute he has to resist the urge to kiss you right then and there. "okay then, what's so interesting about it?"

"well nothing in particular i just really like polaroid cameras!"

you're so.. cute? adorable? precious? all of those adjectives describe you perfectly. you're always so giddy about the things your into, even the hobbies most people would consider "boring" you talk about with such interest, renjun has no idea why he notices you this way, it's never been like this with most of his new years flings. yeah most of them have made it to his home, but it's simply something about you, you make renjun feel a sort of way he never thought he'd feel for a guy he met at a bar on new years eve.

you don't feel like just a fling, you feel like more than that, you sort of feel like home in a way. he would love to go out with you sometime, even if the new years eve bathroom makeout session never happened, he thinks a date with you would be perfect, he can already envision it now.

but wait, why is he doing that? why is he standing here, staring at your pretty face, and thinking about dating you? there's no way he feels anything serious for you, right? it's not like he's in love with you, he can't be! you don't fall in love with someone you've only known for a good eleven hours!

he isn't even sure if he knows what love is, but he knows he can't be in love with you.

renjun snaps out of his thoughts when he hears the click of a camera, he immediately turns to over to you, and he frowns as he sees your fingers on the button of the camera. "y/n".

you blink, catching his frown, any playfulness in your tone immediately disappears. "what? did i do something wrong?"

"why'd you take a picture?"

you again seem baffled by the question, because you let out a small snicker. "you looked very pretty in the moment".

"i don't think that's true".

"it is! you're so photogenic are you kidding me!?"

you stare at the polaroid containing the picture of renjun in your hands, smiling softly at what you see. renjun smiles at the words, feeling his cheeks flare up as you gaze down at the polaroid. "you're so corny".

"and you're still cornier".

renjun snickers, but he doesn't say anymore, turning away from you to focus back on picking up the bottles on the floor. you finally look up, placing the polaroid of him on the counter. "you seem very into that".

you hum, stepping closer to him. "i told you! i really like polaroid cameras!" renjun turns back to you, and he almost falls onto the floor realizing how close you are.

you stare down at the camera, playing with the several buttons. "i don't have a polaroid camera back at my place, but i have a point and shoot camera! maybe i can show it to you sometime".

you smile as you say those words, immediately turning around and going to place the camera on the counter, you miss renjun's reaction to your words. what did you mean by sometime? does that mean you're still going to talk after this? does that mean you're planning to take him to your place at least once? he can't help but overthink the words instantly.

but before he can ask you about it, you gasp. "you've been cleaning on your own the whole time!? let me help you!"

and renjun doesn't exactly know when to bring up his many thoughts, so the two of you begin cleaning the bottles together. you make sure to slip out a few more flirty comments in that time, comments that renjun makes sure to combat with steady glares and muttered curses, even with how red his face becomes.

for some reason, this feels.. right. renjun finds cleaning with you to be fun, he's enjoying even the smallest of moments he can share with you.

it sort of feels like you two are dating.

renjun spends way too much of his time staring at you. staring at you pick up bottles from the floor, staring at you ramble about cereal, staring at you take many more polaroids of him, polaroids you stated you'd "cherish forever".

this is strange, it's strange how he feels. it's strange how you make him feel, he doesn't remember the last time he ever felt this way for any guy, for anyone.

so, as renjun watches you wash the dishes, listening to your ramblings, he wonders if this is what love feels like, if this is what you were talking about back at the bar when you first met. you snicker at something you said in one of your random stories, but you stop as you notice renjun zoning out, clearly not paying attention to you.

"what are you thinking about?" you ask, drying off the plate and placing it back in the rack. renjun again snaps out of his daze, immediately breaking eye contact with you as he feels his face burn. "come on! renjunie~"

your wet finger touches his cheek, making him bite his inner cheek. "just.. something".

"you're not going to tell me about this something?"

renjun shakes his head, uncharacteristically silent. "i don't know if i'm ready to tell you about my stupid thoughts".

you get his words, so you don't press on. "alright, if you ever do want to tell me, you know i'm here".

renjun can only really stare at you, it's then that the realization dawns on him. oh god he likes you, he likes you so much that he might die if he doesn't spit it out instantly.

and when he sees you smile again, he has to use every ounce of energy in his body to not collapse onto the floor.

AT 6:17 PM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF IN a little bit of a crisis, a crisis that's begun all because of you. he feels his palms begin getting sweaty, and he can't stare at you for too long or he'll literally melt from how heated his face is becoming. it's literally january, it should be so cold that he's frozen, but he's burning every time he stares at you. he feels so embarrassed just saying something to you, and you can clearly tell you're getting to him because your smiles slowly begin to turn into smirks, smirks that burn into his brain and make his thoughts turn into mush in an instant. now he can't really tell you about his thoughts, because he's afraid of spilling his true feelings if he does.

renjun doesn't feel like any of this is intentional, you're not stringing him along just so you can break his heart and never contact him again.. at least, he hopes you're not. renjun feels like he's been through this exact process so many times, but none of the previous times have ever transpired like this before. you have to be an alien of some sorts, renjun has never met someone like you.

he hears his inner voice laughing in his mind, making fun of him for falling so easily into your hands. you do this each time, renjun, you say it's going to be different this coming new year and it never is, how long until you stop falling for these guys who don't care?

a pit forms in his stomach at the thought, and renjun finds himself upset much more easily than he thought he'd be.

love is weird, love has always been weird. it's never been easy for renjun to ever get love, either he got backstabbed by someone he thought he was on good terms with, or they would ghost him because they weren't interested but couldn't say it with their own fucking words.

why does he assume it'll be any different with you?

why does he assume that you're probably just as into him as he is you? what if he's reading everything wrong and you're really only here for one thing? what if you're just playing the long game?

renjun feels like he has no idea what's real or what's not. he can't read you and it makes him much more anxious than anything, he doesn't want to think that you're just like everyone else but considering his luck with love on new years, you probably are.

he feels like he's about to throw up.

"are you really going to quit your job?"

renjun asks that question out of desperation, out of the need for a conversation. your eyes flick over to him, and a smile comes to your face as you register the question. you look so pretty, the lighting in the room accentuates your features. "with the way it's going there? yeah".

"aren't you afraid of not being able to find more work..?" he bites his inner cheek, he has no idea why he asks that, he doesn't have control over your actions, you could quit whenever you want to, what difference would his opinion make.

"no, i have backup plans for that".

renjun didn't really expect that as an answer, but it's a good answer nonetheless, because he finds himself smiling at your words. "what's with your job that's shitty? is it the people? is it your coworkers?"

"that place is making me feel like garbage under someone's shoe, can't do anything without being yelled at or cussed out by a higher up because i'm being slow, customers lay their hands on me and i can't even do anything because the customer is always right!"

your frustrated, genuinely, probably the first ever time he's seen you frustrated since the clock struck twelve. just seeing you so frustrated is enough to weird him out, so he quickly tries to change the subject. "i hope you succeed at your resolution, that place sounds like hell".

"it is hell, the moment i can escape the confines of that place i'll be free, but anyway, what are you going to do to make your resolution come true?"

renjun blinks at you, mind suddenly blank. "what?"

you shift in your place on the other side of the couch, focusing all of your attention on renjun, who is struggling not to melt under your stare. "your resolution was to stop making mistakes with people you love or whatever, how are you going to fulfill that?"

renjun pauses, silence enveloping the room, he doesn't exactly know how to answer that, yeah he said his resolution with confidence, but that might've just been the alcohol that was in his system at that moment. how was he supposed to stop making the same mistake over and over again if he was currently doing it right now? he's sitting here with you, the cute guy he met at a bar on new years eve that he couldn't resist, it's a repetitive cycle that will never end.

renjun feels like an idiot, a hypocrite, how did he manage to fail at his whole resolution on new years day? he can't believe how easily he surrendered himself to you.

but when renjun glances up at you, catching your eyes in the process, he almost wants to fall into your arms and never leave them, he wants to wrap his arms around you and never let go.

"i think that resolution will take a while to reach, love is complicated and all.. i really just need time, i guess".

"time?"

renjun is afraid his voice is going to sound too quiet if he speaks. you stare at him with those eyes again, you stare at him as if you're in love with him, and renjun thinks that's crazy, because why would you ever be in love with him? the idea is a stupid one, he should cast it aside.

"yeah time, time is precious.. love takes time, i think this year, i'll be willing to wait for it".

the words strike you in a way you don't expect, and renjun picks up on it, because you pause for a moment and stare at him for a while. you stare for so long that renjun swears he's going to melt under your gaze, you then smile, your smile so pretty that renjun swears he's going to fall to the floor.

"how long are you willing to wait?"

"as long as it takes".

your about to respond again, but renjun quickly stands up, changing the subject. "do you like coffee ice cream?" he immediately asks, glancing at his fridge as he tries his best to pretend he's unaffected by your pretty eyes staring at him like that.

your eyes light up, clearly entertained by the idea of an ice cream party happening. "yeah, i like all ice cream flavors".

renjun snorts, clearly amused by your response. "weirdo".

you furrow your eyebrows, feigning offense at the words. renjun smiles at the perturbed look on your face, walking over to his fridge to go get the ice cream he had mentioned. "your calling me weird? you're so mean to me".

renjun doesn't listen to your complaints, he snickers at your tone of voice. you frown as you hear him laugh, crossing your arms stubbornly and turning away from him when he comes back with pints of ice cream. "are you mad at me?"

you don't respond.

renjun scoffs playfully, sitting down across from you. he blinks at you, watching you resist the urge to smile. "y/n~"

"shut up i'm trying to ignore you".

"you can't ignore me! or no ice cream!"

you gasp at the words, immediately giving him all of your attention. "hey! you can't do that if you offered it to me!"

"i can! and i will!"

"come on huang renjun!"

renjun only giggles as your complaints skyrocket in volume.

AT 11:34 PM, RENJUN FOUND HIMSELF ON top of the world. okay, not literally, but he felt like he was at the very moment. you had stayed for much longer than the both of you intended for you to, you kept saying that you would leave whenever, stop making renjun feel uncomfortable (did you really think you were making him feel that way? oh you have no idea), but he continued to deny your claims, he denied it until 11 o'clock rolled around and he found himself back at the time he started, except it was all different now. renjun is on the rooftop of his apartment building, staring up at the sky and the shining stars that create a line of luminosity across the airspace. the only reason renjun is on the roof right now is because you convinced him.

you managed to convinced him so easily, pleading eyes on display and pout enormous.

"renjun?" you asked as you walked into the kitchen, staring outside the open window at the night sky, lightly shivering at the cold air that hit you. "can i ask for a favor?"

renjun turned to you, running a hand through his hair as he stared at you. he's probably do you a million favors, how hasn't he done you one today?

"yeah, ask away".

you paused for a moment, staring at renjun for a what seemed like forever (in renjun's metrics), a seemingly anxious look in your eyes. "are we allowed to go to the rooftop of the building?"

renjun furrowed his eyebrows, puzzled by the question, why would you be curious about that?

"uh.. why?"

you stayed silent for a while, the longest you've ever gone without talking to renjun this day, that's weird, he's used to you running your mouth all the time. your eyes casted to the side, and renjun narrowed his own, noticing your sudden nervousness.

"i wanna go look at the stars.." you muttered, not looking at renjun as you said those words.

renjun let out a small laugh at the realization of what you wanted, but you seemed to think he was making fun of you, because you looked away again, clearly embarrassed by his laughter. "you know what we don't have to just pretend i never asked that i'll go now—"

"no no no! don't take it that way, i think it's cute, i'll go with you".

renjun likes describing your fascination for stars as 'cute', a fact that you made sure to note as you watched him grab his jacket. "what are you waiting for? come on!"

and what do you do when the huang renjun gives you an order? you obey like a mind controlled robot.

so, you allowed for renjun to take your hand (an action that flustered you much more than it should've) and lead you up to roof of his apartment building, the cold january air doing nothing to deter him from his mission, the mission he wanted to complete because of you.

your fingers are still intertwined when you make it up there, but your now less focused on his warm hands and more on the luminous lights in the night sky. your jacket is unzipped, barely protecting you from the freezing temperature of the outside, but the stars are much more appealing to you.

renjun chuckles lightly, feeling you squeeze his hand as another breeze of cold air rushes past you. "you're so into them y/n" he teases, nudging you with his shoulder.

"they're so pretty" you mutter, your eyes practically sparkling with amazement.

renjun watches you for what seems like forever (in his own metrics), distracted by your face. he admires your pure interest, it makes him smile, a smile that you clearly notice, as he catches your glancing eyes.

you then sigh, shivering lightly from the cold air outside. "renjun, i have a question for you".

your tone is much more serious than he expects it to be, and a pit forms in his stomach almost immediately. "you have to answer it with complete honesty though okay?"

renjun almost can't look you in the eye, and you grab both of his hands, facing him as you begin swinging your laced hands back and forth. renjun nods, almost a little too enthusiastically, but he can't exactly worry about that right now.

"do you like me?"

god of course i do, are you stupid?

but renjun bites his tongue, just chuckling and looking to the side. he squeezes your hands, looking back at you with an indescribable expression. "yes".

you look surprised, which surprises renjun himself. "yes? like actually—"

"y/n i don't know what you think has been transpiring today but— i don't know i really do like you, i'm not sure if it's love yet or whatever but i don't want to just let you go, i don't want for this day to end and for us to go back to being strangers again i.. i want to keep you in my life".

you blink, baffled by the words. your face reddens, you hope you can use the cold as an excuse for that. "really?"

renjun lets out a silent laugh, you're so cute. "yes really, was i not obvious?"

"was i not obvious?"

renjun realizes the irony of the situation, and he giggles again, looking down at the floor. "you're so dumb y/n" he pokes your cheek with his index finger. "but yeah, i'd like to go out with you sometime.. like, on a date".

your about to fall to the floor.

"alright, we can start with that.. dates, no labels, no rushing, we can take time with this".

renjun likes the sound of that, and he communicates that thought to you with another squeeze of your hand, smiling prettily at you. "i can get behind that" he leans closer intentionally. "can i still kiss you though?"

you roll your eyes, he's adorable, you lean forward and press a kiss to his lips, your way of answering his question. "yes, you dummy".

renjun scoffs softly, ignoring how quickly his face is heating up. "you're corny".

"and you're still cornier".

renjun would fight with you on it, but he thinks he'll let you have this win tonight.

RENJUN IS EATING HIS LUNCH WHEN JAEMIN brings it up, he wasn't really listening to his friends converse all this time, distracted by something else, or someone else.. he supposes. his head finally shoots up after a good twenty minutes of him ignoring his friends conversation about if mark could beat jeno in a fight, and he's met with a smug smiling na jaemin, a look he's quick to furrow his eyebrows at. jaemin snickers as he sees renjun's confusion, ready to ask a completely idiotic question. "renjunie? how did you and your little fling turned out?" the question is one jaemin probably should've asked a week ago, but he's asking it now that january is coming to a close? how amusing.

renjun blinks, chuckling immediately at the question. "what do you mean?"

jaemin scowls, slapping his arm lightly. "that cute guy you took home on new years eve! what happened between you two?"

"oh the cute guy?" chenle is quick to inquire as he turns to the older, jaemin nods in response. "yeah him! what was his name again..? y/n?"

"oh right! he was cute! did he let you hit?"

"excuse me?"

"i can't believe i passed out!" donghyuck whines in frustration, earning a small pat on the back from jeno, who was trying his best to stifle his giggles. "i wanted to meet renjun's cute guy" he pouts, sinking into his seat with crossed arms.

"oh he was so cute, hyuck, renjun got lucky with him".

"and funny too! funnier than the asshole from our last new years eve outing!"

renjun simply watches as jaemin and chenle go on to rave about you to donghyuck, who seems impressed even though you aren't even there, he laughs in his head at the fact, you're so charming you don't even have to be present to impress his friends.

"he sounds better than the other guys".

"he is!"

jaemin then turns back to renjun, forgetting about his first mission entirely. "soooo renjunie? how'd it go with your guy? did you sleep with him?"

renjun's face flushes at the question, he is very much embarrassed. he rolls his eyes, face practically on fire. "..yes".

"was he good?"

"don't ask that!"

jaemin yelps at the slap he gets from renjun, pouting as he stares at him. "asshole" he's quick to say, sticking his tongue out at the older, who just rolls his eyes again.

"so what happened after that?"

"what?"

chenle is clearly very invested in this. "did he just leave after that? did you get his number? are you two still in touch?"

"and if you aren't can you give me his socials?"

renjun gives jaemin a side glare, answering the question with almost a minute of silence. he hesitates before saying anything, earning weird looks from his friends. "well.."

"come on! spit it out!"

"don't rush me" renjun grits his teeth, fidgeting with the collar of his shirt as he thinks about you, a small smile coming to his face as he does. "were going on a date later today.."

chenle gasps, jaemin yells, donghyuck slams his hand onto the table, and jeno begins silently clapping. "real shit!?"

"yeah.."

"oh my god!" jaemin squeals, shaking renjun out of pure excitement. "congrats renjunie!"

renjun just lets him at this point, laughing at his energy. "don't get so up, it's not official yet were just going out".

"still! progress is being made!"

renjun can't resist his smile, and he looks down to avoid eye contact with his friends.

"renjun!"

renjun snaps his head towards the voice, seeing the front desk clerk walking up to him with a bouquet of peonies in his hands. "hi, do you need something?"

the clerk smiles, extending the bouquet towards him. "a guy came here and dropped these off, he told me to give them to you".

renjun blinks, slowly taking the bouquet of flowers as he pieces the puzzle together. "thank you" he whispers, staring at the flowers in his hands as his face heats up quickly.

as he examines the bouquet, ignoring the teasing of his friends, he finds a note, a note that he immediately smiles at upon reading.

a little birdie told me these were your favorite flowers? i can see why :) anyway, eat well, i'll see you tonight pretty!!

love, y/n ♡

oh you're so sweet.

jaemin gasps as he reads from the older's shoulder. "i can't believe it! you hit the jackpot with this guy renjunie!" but renjun can't even find it in himself to get mad at jaemin for being nosy, he's too busy trying to not cry at this gesture.

renjun can't believe he has you, he feels so lucky, like the happiest guy in the world.

"why can't i get flowers from a cute guy? when is it my turn?!"

renjun only chuckles at chenle's complaints, much too distracted thinking about you.

[unsanctioned-if]

Out of curiosity, why haven't you released the prologue if it is already written and edited?

Sorry for the confusion - the prologue is not completed yet in terms of editing and coding. I've written the first drafts and edited/coded some of it (since they are divided into different backgrounds), but that's just the first part of it.

The prologue consists of an intro scene which is completed (outside of the MC's perspective), then the initial customization options (pronouns/race/background), and then you get to play through your chosen background (of which there are 3 in total). The backgrounds are not that long for one single playthrough, so even if all 3 were already fully edited and coded it'd be a pretty short demo if I only released those without chapter 1 included!

Editing is much less of a linear process than it might seem, at least for me. This is definitely something I've come to learn as I've been writing rather than something I knew before I began. It likely differs a lot depending on the writer in question since it's such an individual experience and you need to figure out what works best for you personally.

The process roughly goes like this: I write the first draft, then I go through the draft and make sure everything is looking okay content-wise and grammar-wise, then I add/remove scenes to help with the pacing. Sometimes I come up with ideas for things to add once I've moved on to another part to edit/write (I came up with some additional ideas for the aristocracy background just the other day which I want to include even though that part is already completed haha).

So yeah - this turned into a bit of an over explanatory answer, but I thought I'd take the chance to share a glimpse of what the process is like for me. Thank you for the ask!

[slveepyscwrs]

Question, can I request a Kuroo x Y/N hurt/comfort where Y/N tries coming out to their parents as bi/pan and their parents yell at them so Y/N goes to Kuroo for comfort?? Thanks =)

OMG I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING THIS LONG, I don't even know if you'd still want to read this. :((

Life has been a little bitch, but let me tell you, I LOVED your request, it hit really close to home for me, so that's also why I spent so much time on it... I really wanted to make it something special for you :)

Some quick notes:

-Multispec is used as a catch-all for all identities that involve attraction to multiple genders, rather than just bi or pan, to be more inclusive.

-They/Them is used as a catch-all to include Y/Ns of all genders. However, I did make them a member of the volleyball team... By the time I remembered it was a boys' only team, it was too late, so yeah let's just pretend that this is a more gender diverse world–

-I don't think much is said about Kuroo's mom in canon, so my interpretation of what she would be like in this situation is entirely based on head canons.

With that out of the way, without further ado–

Never Stop Loving

TWs: LGBTQIA-phobia, child abandonment, physical abuse, HEAVY religious bigotry

Growing up, crushes seemed so simple to everyone. A boy and a girl would start spending a lot of time with each other at school, and then everyone would tease them, never ceasing to ship them together relentlessly. Sometimes, in a few lucky cases, either one of them would say ‘I like you too!’ And thus, a silly puppy love relationship began.

Being a boy and liking girls, or being a girl and liking boys, was the standard childhood experience for everyone around you… except for you yourself.

For one thing, you resented stereotypical gender roles from a very young age. The idea that girls must be giggling and gossipy, and that boys should be all rough and tough, was abhorrent to you. Deep down, you always knew that there was much more to gender than that, and that there were probably more than two genders in the first place.

That conviction didn’t help you much in terms of fitting in. However, gender itself wasn’t the only idea you struggled to grasp, it was which gender you meant to be attracted to.

As you grew a bit older, teachers began mentioning that there were boys who liked boys and girls who liked girls too. Yet still, even that didn’t seem to answer the burning feelings you had always held inside.

That butterfly feeling that was characteristic of crushes wasn’t exclusive to any one gender for you– although short-lived, you had periods of romantic fantasies for all kinds of people.

Despite the fact that everyone around you was choosing one gender with ease, you eventually came to accept that this was how you felt. Even though people called you weird and outcasted you whenever you even mentioned the possibility of a person being able to be attracted to more than one gender, there was no ‘getting rid’ of these feelings, so you shrugged and figured that you may as well accept it.

It wouldn’t be until your teenage years rolled around and you began browsing through internet forums that you found that there was a name for these feelings– the multisexual spectrum.

Whichever one of the many identities on this spectrum you came to identify with, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off your shoulders. It felt so freeing just to know that there were so many others who had the same attractions as you, and that you weren’t crazy after all.

However, with that freedom also came a realisation that crushed and shattered your whole entire world to pieces.

Tragically, your parents didn’t seem to feel the same way when it came to people who didn’t fall into heteronormative expectations of what they thought love should be.

Forget those on the multisexual spectrum, they despised even just gay and lesbian people.

It began with a quick changing of the channel whenever some news about LGBTQIA+ people came on. You shrugged it off at first, but they slowly began revealing their true colours.

“How can someone be so sinful? They will surely burn in hell.”

“They’re violating God’s natural order!”

“They’re so evil, they’re fucking brainwashing the kids now too!”

“I wish the government would have never legalised gay marriage…”

“One man. One woman. That is the only acceptable version of love.”

Whenever these words from both your mum and your dad rang in your head, you felt sick to your stomach. They had no clue that you liked multiple genders, and judging from their reactions to gay people, they would probably react even harsher when they discovered that people on the multisexual spectrum exist too.

And you were one of those people.

Being aware of what could potentially happen in the event that they found out, you kept your identity on the extreme down low. You didn’t even tell anyone on the volleyball team at your new highschool, Nekoma High.

You had developed a passion for volleyball over the past few years. It was the best distraction that you found for everything going on at home. In fact, you often tried to stay back for as long as possible even beyond Nekoma’s regular afterschool routines, just so you would have to spend time with the two who you weren’t even all that sure you could truly love anymore.

As for your teammates, they were the first real friends you had in a long time. Of course, Nekoma was notorious for their rather… chaotic antics. Kuroo, the captain of your team, was arguably one of the most chaotic of them all, what with his snarky remarks and overly laid back attitudes.

Still, behind it all, anyone on the Nekoma team could always count on each other. You had never felt a stronger “mess with one of us, mess with all of us” mentality anywhere else.

And yet, you didn’t hint at your identity to any of them either. The reality remained that you couldn’t predict what they would feel about one of their teammates having a multispec identity, and besides… you didn’t want to burden them or disturb their happiness in any way.

You resolved to keep everything going on in your head to yourself, for the sake of everyone you cared about.

One day, though, you had let your guard down.

During practice at the volleyball club, everyone was taking a break. Your teammates had boundless energy, but even they got tuckered out at times, and the same went for you just as much.

You sat in a corner as your mind began to wander off to your hidden identity crisis, as it often did.

“Will I have to keep this a secret forever…?”

Despite your best efforts, the burden of keeping a secret weighed down on your heart more and more. Just before your thoughts began to spiral out of control, an idea popped in your head.

You took out your laptop, and frantically began to type all those thoughts you had been keeping to yourself. You wrote about your identity, and your reluctance to tell your parents.

As you typed, it became apparent that, however scary the idea was, your parents would have to know sooner or later. If you ever started dating at one point, especially if that partner was the same gender as you…

Your thoughts were snapped back to the present moment by a sudden wave of thirst. It hit you just how hard you worked on perfecting your volleyball techniques, to the point that you had neglected hydration.

The sense of urgency became so great that you bolted off to find your water bottle.

However, your laptop had been left open.

Kuroo was the first to notice this. You didn’t know why, but Kuroo was always the first to notice even the little things about you.

“Where are they? They left their laptop open, some dumbass is going to fumble with the ball and smash the screen to tiny little pieces!”

His rambling to himself stopped when he noticed the notebook window left open on your screen. Something told him he shouldn’t be reading it, but his heart told him that this was much more important than that.

“Let’s see here…” He mumbled under his breath, reading everything to himself in the lowest voice he could. Soon, he trailed off, purely in shock from all that had just been revealed to him.

Of course, he was taken aback by the fact that you liked multiple genders– partially because he did too, and just like you, he wasn’t expecting to find anyone like him.

However, more than that, he felt ashamed. He was the captain, for god’s sakes. He was supposed to know his team like the back of his hand, and yet he couldn’t pick up on all these struggles.

“God, can’t I just call off the practice for today? I really just want to give them a hug right now…”

That was his first instinct, but he knew that would arouse too much suspicion, and the last thing he wanted to do was to draw attention to you. He knew that you could feel embarrassed when you were the centre of attention.

And so, practice went on, but Kuroo was noticeably stumbling. All his blocks were broken down like glass, and more often than not, he was catching the ball in his face.

“Haha, the way Kuroo’s catching the ball smack in the face is reminding me of the shrimp from Karasuno!” Lev teased.

Kai, Kuroo’s vice captain, sighed.

“Lev, how many times do I have to tell you that we don’t talk smack about other teams’ players behind their backs? But, you’re right… I think we have to call it quits for today, unless we want our captain’s face to be bruised beyond return.”

Mostly, everyone shuffled out of the gym with no more than a few grumbles or jokes, or the occasional side eye from Kenma.

You, on the other hand, immediately raised an eyebrow at this.

You knew something was on Kuroo’s mind.

What you didn’t know, however, was that Kuroo knew something about you as well.

When everyone had left, you both made firm eye contact with each other. As if pulled in by a rope, you took step by step to close the distance between you two, neither of you breaking that unwavering eye contact.

When you were mere inches apart from each other, you kept on with that impromptu staring contest in silence, waiting to see who would speak up first.

After a few moments, it turned out that both of you blurted it out at the same time.

“Kuroo, what is wrong with you today?”

“I support you, you idiot!”

The difference in what you both said prompted your gazes to turn bewildered.

Your eyes went wide.

“Huh!?”

You understood exactly what he was talking about. It was the fact that he must have found out somehow that terrified you, and you couldn’t help but tremble as you fumbled over your words in an attempt to execute damage control.

“I’m sorry… If you want to think I’m disgusting and curse me, you have every right to… I know I’m a freak for being different.”

Kuroo stared at you as if you had just spoken in an entirely different language.

“Now, why the fuck would I do that?” He was always sly like this, but this time, there was a hint of fondness in his voice as well.

Your head and your heart were still racing a mile a minute, and when Kuroo saw that his laid-backness wasn’t helping, his face softened. 

You felt gentle, strong arms embrace you, and without thinking, you buried your head into his chest.

“If you’re a freak, then I am too, you know.”

When you didn’t react, he elaborated further.

“I’m also into more than one gender…”

At this, your head shot up towards him, gazing into his eyes with both a sense of surprise and a newfound admiration for him.

He smiled at your eagerness, patting your head.

“From now on, we don’t keep things from each other, okay? I’m your captain, and I’m well aware that I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but it’s still my number one goal to support my team in everything I do.”

To tease him back, you smirked into a sly grin, one that could even rival that of Kuroo himself.

“Wow, so you see me as just your teammate?”

He hadn’t been expecting this, so he suddenly let you go as his face immediately turned flustered. He waved around his arms so frantically that it appeared as if he were doing some strange dance.

“No! You’re my friend! Wait, that sounds wrong too… You’re my best friend!”

“Isn’t that supposed to be Kenma’s job, though? Does that mean I’m more than a best friend as well?” 

At this point, Kuroo looked just about ready to short circuit. You were enjoying every moment that you got to see him transform from a scheming genius to a babbling maniac.

However, you didn’t want Kuroo’s brain to actually stop working, so you granted him mercy by shifting the topic to a more somber concern.

“Since you’re also, you know… Did you ever tell your parents? Are they LGBTQIA-phobic too?”

Kuroo turned back to normal and scratched his chin in thought for a moment, and then shrugged.

“I mean, they can be scary as hell, so I thought they were… But when I did finally tell them, they kind of just went ‘Yeah, we know. Just remember to use protection.’”

The bluntness from such a reaction made you chuckle. A small hope ignited in your heart.

“Maybe if I tell them how I feel, I can get them to change?”

Just to confirm this, you turned to Kuroo for encouragement.

“So you’re saying that… even if I think that my parents might not be accepting, I should give it a go anyway?”

He put his hands on his hips, taking the proud stance that he was notorious for, yet still looking at you with an encouraging glance.

“It’s your choice, but I don’t remember ever teaching my team to be afraid of anything… It’s your life, so you have to have the courage to stand up for yourself. You especially don’t want to have weak knees in front of your own damn parents!”

These words were all you needed to make you think that maybe everything would be okay, and you felt your heart beat with a fondness for Kuroo that you’d never truly felt for anyone before, not even your puppy love crushes in childhood.

The thing was, you could have sworn you felt Kuroo’s heartbeat in the air the same way.

“What are you looking at me for? Go home and do it already!” You could tell he was getting all shy again.

And with that, you turned around and sprinted off back home.

Yet, as he watched you fade off into the distance, he couldn’t help but feel some gut instinct gnaw away at his conscience.

“Shit, why do I feel like I said something terribly wrong?”

By the time you arrived back, the sky had dimmed to give way to the evening. The first thing you did when you walked inside was greet your parents more cheerily than usual to set a good atmosphere, and observed their faces.

Oddly, they seemed to be in a good mood. They weren’t even having an argument. Your mom simply made small talk about various matters to your dad, who nodded along in agreement, as she welcomed you to the dinner table.

“You’re back a bit early.” Your mom hummed cheerily.

“Oh, practice got out earlier than usual today.”

“That’s nice, then.”

“You’re also in a much better mood than usual. It’s been a long time since you’ve spent time together with us like this, kiddo.” Your dad added in a tone of approval as he looked up from the newspaper he was reading.

You decided to take advantage of the positive notes that had been set. You inhaled and exhaled as deeply as you could to calm your shaky nerves.

It was now or never.

“Mom, dad, can I tell you something…?”

“Mhm. What’s up?”

Your mom turned around, still multitasking her miscellaneous chores around the kitchen. Your dad’s attention was piqued too, but he was still half focused on the newspaper himself.

“I think I like multiple genders!” You heaved out in a louder than expected tone.

Both your parents immediately dropped what they were doing. Both pairs of eyes fell on you, with an expression that made it look like you had just confessed to committing arson on the school and getting expelled.

“Kids these days! It must be one of those new trends or phases, right?”

Your dad nervously attempted to laugh off, and you could tell that he was hoping to whatever twisted version of God he must believe in that that was actually the case.

However, it very much was the opposite.

“No, it’s not a phase, dad… This is who I am…” Your voice began to shake and drop to a nervous whisper. This was already starting to go down south, but there was no turning back.

“I knew that the internet was brainwashing kids into this filth, but I never thought you would be one of them! We raised you to be better than this!” 

Your mom’s voice immediately began cranking up the dial further and further with anger and hatred.

“I’m not brainwashed, mom! Why is it so wrong for me to just be who I am?”

It was clear that your mom wasn’t going to back down from her stance, even though this was her own child, so two could play at this game, you thought.

“How many times do we have to tell you? There are only men and women, and God only wants one man, and one woman! Anything other than that is disgraceful, filthy, and–“ Your mother argued back, only to be cut off by you.

“Fuck you and your stupid ideas about God! I’m not even hurting anyone, so why do you guys always have to be so hateful when all we want is love?”

You knew that your rage-filled tone and your words were the very textbook definition of disrespect, but you couldn’t take it anymore. More than ever, you were confronted face on with the reality that your parents were never, ever going to change after all.

You began to see red, but just as you were about to double down, you were snapped back by a painful sting to the face.

Your dad stood towering above you, having just slapped you square on the face. The force was so great that you came tumbling to the ground, your butt making a painful impact against the hardwood floor.

“Fucking deviants like you should just burn in hell.” 

He spat this out in a tone so cold it seemed to freeze the air around you. As you looked up at him like a deer in headlights, he simply looked down upon you with an expression that was utterly devoid of any semblance of mercy.

Everything hurt, and in that moment, you wanted nothing more than to curl up in a hole and disappear forever.

Although your thoughts were in absolute overdrive right now, one thing was sure– it was not safe to be here anymore.

Mustering up whatever little strength you had left, you scurried and limped towards the door like an injured, helpless little animal.

“And don’t you dare come back!” Your father yelled after you, still feeling absolutely zero remorse.

As soon as you stepped outside, a burst of chilly wind hit you with a force that felt like another slap in the face.

You hid behind another house that was a safe distance away. You didn’t really care to know your neighbours, but no one was home, so you could at least be confident that no one was going to surprise you.

As you slumped down against the wall, the reality of what had happened began to hit you.

You had just been kicked out of your own home. You could expect yelling, you could expect bigotry, but this was the absolute worst case scenario, and you never thought it could be real.

And yet, it was all happening. All at once. Your parents didn’t love you anymore, and you had nowhere to go.

The uncertainty of what could happen, as long as the icy cold that began to make you shiver uncontrollably, prompted you to curl up into a ball and sob a stream of tears.

“It’s all my fault… I should have kept my mouth shut…”

Still, even though it was Kuroo who had encouraged you to come out, you didn’t blame him in even the slightest bit.

“Kuroo will be so disappointed in me… He was so confident in me, and yet I failed…”

As the graveness of your situation continued to set in, your fingertips and toes started to go numb. You hadn’t even had the chance to pull on a jacket on your way out of the heated environment of your house.

The tip of your nose also turned red from the biting cold, as your only protection was your T-shirt and shorts– the worst possible dressing for the weather.

It was indeed tempting to give up and fall asleep on the icy grass, but another realisation made you fight tooth and nail to keep your eyes open– if you fell asleep in this weather, your life itself would be at risk, and there was no certainty that you would even wake up.

Your choices grew slimmer and slimmer the more you thought about it, but throughout your thought process, one subject ringed repeatedly in your mind.

“Could I go to Kuroo’s house…?”

From the few times you had visited Kuroo’s house with your team, you vaguely remembered that his house was only a few blocks away from yours. It was a risk to go when you were in this state, and you didn’t want to burden him either, but this was a matter of life or death.

You tried to recall to mind a house number, but failed. The only concrete memory of Kuroo’s house that you had was that it was a different colour exterior than the houses around it, so if you were lucky enough to come across it, you would know.

With this extremely limited knowledge in your hands, you took off walk-running in a vague direction. You would normally had no problem running for a few blocks, but the cold battled you for power over your legs.

As you went further and further, your shivering became more profound, but you had to power through. The moment you would collapse unconscious, it would all be over.

With these high stakes sending your adrenaline rushing to an all-time high, you forced yourself to keep going. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem that the physical activity warmed your body even nearly enough to make a difference.

Even when your vision started to blur in and out, even when every muscle in your body begged for mercy, even when your knees started to buckle beneath you, you summoned up every last bit of determination you had.

Just as the dizziness was becoming too much, you finally spotted that house that stood out from the rest. You finally relaxed your body, legs like jelly as you approached the door and weakly rang the doorbell.

Your knees finally gave way, and you fell to their level in front of the door, silently praying that someone, anyone would be home.

However, even despite these circumstances, your heart still yearned for Kuroo above all else.

Inside, Kuroo’s mom started at her son in some frustration, watching him pick at his food with a fork.

“Right then, so are you going to tell me why you aren’t scarfing down your food faster than a competitive eater like you usually do, or will I have to interrogate you until you fess up and tell me what the hell is wrong?”

Kuroo didn’t know how to explain the situation to his mom, and even if he wanted to, his worries for you completely robbed him of any ability to find the right words.

He mumbled under his breath, continuing to push uneaten food around his plate.

“I really fucked up…” Those were the only words that reached his mom’s ears.

It wasn’t the usage of a swear word that concerned her, it was the fact that this was extremely uncharacteristic for someone as self-confident as him.

She opened her mouth to request him to elaborate, but she was interrupted by a very faint version of the doorbell’s ring.

A gut feeling suddenly rushed to Kuroo, making him jump up to get the door so fast that even his usually unwavering mom yelped in surprise.

As Kuroo fumbled to get the lock open with shaky hands, she thought to herself,

“It can’t be his dad… He’s still at work, so who’s come at this hour that’s made Kuroo so riled up?”

She stood from a distance, watching as the door swung open. She couldn’t see who it was from here, but she froze when she heard Kuroo’s breath immediately become panicked.

You could barely form words at this point, as Kuroo crouched down to behold what had happened to you with horror.

Your breathing was visibly laboured, you were on the verge of losing consciousness, and as he reached out a shaky hand to touch you… that skin of yours was so freezing cold that he retracted his hand immediately.

“Shit, shit, shit!” He repeatedly cursed in a whispery tone.

Just as had happened to you, all Kuroo’s worst fears were coming true as well.

He shook your shoulder in an attempt to make you more awake, and when it was apparent that this was doing nothing, he scooped you up in his arms with ease. He took a few steps into your house and shut the door immediately, so that the heating system could begin to warm you.

Gazing upon your weak, freezing body, he couldn’t hold back the tears that stung at the corners of his eyes.

“Fuck, baby… this is all my fault…” 

He ignored the obvious fact that this could be interpreted as a love confession. That was the last thing on his mind now. All that mattered in every inch of his instincts right now was doing everything in his power to fix what he had broken.

Kuroo’s mom still couldn’t see you from where she was standing, so judging from the baby talk, she assumed that Kuroo had found an injured stray cat.

Imagining that she would see a small pet, this finally made her rush forward to approach Kuroo.

When she saw that the ‘baby’ in question was a human, and a human she recognised from photos of Kuroo’s team, her heart dropped straight down.

Kuroo clutched you close to counter your condition with his body warmth, pleading with every ounce of his heart for you to stay.

“Don’t fall asleep, please… Damn it, I need you! Remember what I said earlier? I know you’re a fighter, so please don’t give up on me now…”

Although you were still somewhat awake, his words couldn’t fully reach your ears. All you felt was a strange sense of warmth, that made you feel safe for the first time that evening.

Meanwhile, his mom made a mad dash, practically turning the house upside down as she frantically searched for the warmest blankets they had.

All the while, she shouted in confusion repeatedly at the top of her lungs,

“Dear goodness! What in the name of the heavens could have happened to this poor child!?”

When she found a few blankets that she deemed satisfactory enough, she tossed them in Kuroo’s direction, and he caught them swiftly.

He made quick work of wrapping you up in a bundle tightly enough to be comforting, but also with a gentleness which ensured that the warmth would not suffocate you.

“Now what are you standing there like a statue for? Go to your room and tuck the kid into your bed to warm them up!”

Kuroo rarely agreed with his mom, but he had to admit, that sounded like a good idea.

‘Tender’ was about the last word that anyone would use to describe Kuroo. Yet, as he tucked you into bed, the tenderness of the way he snuggled you in reached your heart far before the actual sensations of warmth did.

He crouched down next to the bed, clutching your hand hopefully, praying that this would work and you wouldn’t have to be admitted to hospital.

Even though he hadn’t heard a word from you yet, he never stopped whispering encouraging sweet nothings into your ear.

As your skin grew warmer to the touch and your eyes opened to their regular degree of wideness, Kuroo sighed with a relief so strong that it was palpable.

“Thank goodness…”

You grew more aware of your surroundings. The room was entirely unfamiliar to you, but somehow, Kuroo’s presence made the atmosphere welcoming.

The first thing you did as you startled back to normal was look down at where yours and his bodies were joined by your hands. You then looked up at Kuroo’s face, which was tear-stained, but also had an ear-to-ear smile as he saw that your gaze was no longer empty.

It took your brain a few moments to recall what had happened and what was happening right now fully, but once everything registered, overwhelming emotions returned once again.

You felt mortified at the mere thought of your parents. You felt gratitude that you were still alive. You felt a sense of security with Kuroo by your side. You felt guilt because, in your view, you were still only bothering him.

You hyperventilated slightly, distressed tears streaming down your face. Kuroo retracted his hand, believing that he was the one who had done something wrong with you.

Rather, it was quite the opposite. All you wanted in that moment was him.

“Please, Kuroo, just… hug me.” You mumbled in a daze.

That was the only confirmation he needed, and he threw his arms around you. The comfort that his embrace provided validated everything that was going on in your head right now, and choked sobs escaped your throat.

Never once did Kuroo tease you for crying, and he didn’t utter a word about it either. You were of far more worth to him than acting cool ever was.

He knew that the best thing he could do in this situation was to simply be there. He rubbed your back soothingly as his grip on you grew tighter, listening to your cries patiently.

“I’m sorry for causing this. I love you.”

He knew it was crazy to confess his love for you at a time like this, but at this moment, he was letting his heart speak the words that his rationale couldn’t find.

He didn’t care if you loved him back or not, as long as he could make you at least a little bit happier.

His mouth widened slightly with surprise as you jerked up to look at him more directly.

“I love you too…”

The way you had made him hilariously blushing back at the gym had returned with full force. It made you smile, albeit small, for the first time since you were kicked out.

As much as you wanted to continue professing your love and eliciting these reactions from him, you were still too weak to do so. Once again, you shifted to talk about something else.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Kuroo… If anything, this was my fault.”

The moment you said these words, he grabbed your shoulders, the determination in his eyes burning into your soul.

“Hey, even if you don’t want me to take it, don’t you dare blame yourself for any of this. If I make you feel guilty, I’ll never forgive myself.”

His words were sharp, but you could tell that he was being dead serious. His sincerity washed away some of your worries, as you comfortably leaned on his shoulder.

“Well… Do you mind telling me what the ‘this’ we’re talking about is?”

Your safety had been very much threatened, so as much as he wanted to reveal more of his lovey-dovey side to you, he needed to address the elephant in the room.

Recounting your experience so soon brought back stress again as you relived the memories, but Kuroo was not letting go of you, as he gently encouraged the bravery he knew you had inside you.

“I told them… They cursed at me and told me to go to hell… Then they slapped me to the ground and kicked me out, that’s why I ran away here…”

As you detailed what your parents had done to you, you felt Kuroo stroke your hair faster. This was his way of trying to hold back the way his blood was boiling with anger and rage towards two people who he regarded as absolute monsters for daring to lay hands on you.

“How the fuck can anyone in their right mind do that to their child?” He seethed through clenched teeth.

You wanted revenge just as much as he did, but you didn’t want anger to consume him, not after he had gone out of his way for you.

A couple of ways to calm him down drifted through your head, and you somehow went with the most shocking of them.

You leaned up towards his face, and pecked him on the lips. However, you had intended this little kiss to land on his cheek.

When you moved back again and saw how over the moon yet bewildered Kuroo’s expression was, your cheeks turned red as you realised what you had actually done.

“Wait, I didn’t mean to–“

Before you could apologise, Kuroo pulled you in to kiss you on the lips softly and lovingly. It didn’t last for more than a couple of seconds, and even still, you felt that your very two souls had grown a connection to each other.

Kuroo’s thumb cupped your red cheek, and he smiled coyly as he continued to elaborate on what he felt towards you.

“You can stay here as long as you need. That way, I can stay by your side and make extra sure no one has the audacity to hurt you ever again.”

Your lips opened to protest, but Kuroo swiftly put a finger on them to hush you.

“I know what you’re going to say, but don’t. There’s nothing you can ever do to make me think even for a second that you’re a burden. You mean the world to me, and I’m not saying that to bullshit you– I truly mean every word.”

“Thank you…” That was all you could whisper back.

As the real extent of his love began to get through to you, it made your heart swell with a joy that finally made you feel at home.

The sound of blaring sirens approaching made both of your heads turn. The window in the room had been glazed over with the cold.

Nonetheless, the characteristic red, white, and blue blurry hues of police car sirens were very much visible as they rushed by, disappearing just as quickly.

Kuroo covered your ears to protect you from the piercing noise. You already knew what those sirens meant, and he knew that you knew, but he wasn’t going to spare any precaution to protect you from further harm.

“My mom’s been working behind the scenes, hasn’t she?” Kuroo chuckled.

He was right. She overheard Kuroo raging after you had confessed to being kicked out and abused, and she wasn’t having any of it. She phoned the police, and even though she didn’t know where you lived, she kept yelling at them until they agreed to go find them anyway.

When the sirens weren’t as loud anymore, Kuroo uncovered your ears, still hugging you close. You looked at him fondly, and he continued to snuggle your head protectively on his chest, peppering the top of your head with kisses now that he knew you loved him back.

With the background noise of the fading sirens, Kuroo whispered into your ear,

“I want you to know that you never have to stop loving… You’ll be safe here, and I promise that.”

[yuriisclumsy]

[Critique]

Oh my gosh…. @udretlnea You have just made me experience something that I could only DREAM of experiencing. The fact that you really took your time, your inexpressible time, to critique my work is…how do I put it…. Simply, amazing. Thank youuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Response to critique] The dynamic between [You] and Amalia was something akin to that of a sibling. I have a school-adopted-brother that is two years younger than me—same age as my brother—that messes around with me like Amalia. He would respond unhingely with a “Your mom,” or “You can now get arrested for being a pedo, you know that, right?” Because it’s an inside school joke that everyone that turns 18 gets told, as a coming to terms that if you get arrested you’ll go to adult jail.

….I’m the only one in the group that’s legally an adult. I fear for my life at times….

Anyway. To be completely honest, I had wanted Amalia to be the kind of friend that would go above and beyond for [You]. But then, an idea pop in: “Why don’t we make her unhinged and dumb?”

And that’s how the character Amalia, was born.

When writing the prologue, I had felt like I was dragging it for sooooooo long, and that no one would read it because of how long it was. But, it turns that writing something rather than reading it takes way longer.

I felt proud when I re-read it a few hours later. It felt like it had a nice pacing, I had captured the characters’ personalities, and described the scenery long enough to entertain but not bore; the moments of “show, don’t tell.” I don’t like it when there are short introductions to the problem that [You] will face in other fanfics, so I kept that in mind the whole time. The end was…something, let me tell you that. I impressed myself to say the least.

“Nothing about their deaths felt faked”? Thank you. It took me 4 rewrites to figure that one out. Also, I wanted to emphasize that these are high schoolers since there are times where people fall victim to forgetting the fact when reading other fanfics.

I am one of those victims, sadly.

[Lore] Amalia’s family is one that is known throughout the small town, as the “troublemakers.” They are driven from kind hearts and a strong determination; you see the resemblance here with every child of the family. Just how good are their genes?

Ahh…. Poor Mother…it truly is sad. First you have one child in the hospital, and now, you hear the news of your other perfectly healthy child’s death. Tragic.

[Your] brother not taking the news very well? Heheh….yeah, let’s go with that.

[You] not piking a card was done on purpose. Please forgive yourself.

That line…. How did I even come up with that???

Well, I was thinking of things or sayings that could describe blood. And just like that, I had an Idea. It was as if bolt stroke me down from the heavens with all their might. I had always been a history fan, so naturally, I thought myself, “We all hate to see blood. But, history has blood scattered to the very brinks of this world.” BOOM. Sentence came alive. I’ll make sure to serve and deliver.

[system-of-a-feather]

Something that's worried us about fusion is how seemingly opposite or contradictory identities can become cohesive and integrated without causing further issues. From a trans perspective, some parts of us have dysphoria over the fact we have breasts now, others have dysphoria over the fact we haven't had surgery, and others still would have dysphoria if we were to have surgery.

I don't know if you have experiences with anything similar but if you have any insights into how bridging the gap may be possible it would really help <3

God yeah no, as a nonbinary system this shit fucking is hard so I feel you. I'm actually having to sit here a bit to think about how I would explain how thats ended up going with us. The short answer is, we kind of just stopped thinking too heavily about the long term goals as explicitly and trying to define our experiences into one box or another and rather than trying to debate what we'd do, we started to largely settle on "lets explore the options and be open to experiences on both and all ends and live out BOTH goals and see how / if our complex feelings on the matter change"

Because honestly - and I am hesitant to say this somewhat cause it might come off as upsetting, 'transphobic', or triggering to people who are more In the Depths of Dysphoria cause it really didn't help distressed parts in the past as much - but you would be surprised how much more okay and navigable topics are in practice than they are in your head. The world is a lot more diverse and things can be not that bad, not as bad, or completely different than you expect and with what dysphoria may tell you it would be - in both directions of 'no surgery' and 'yes surgery'.

I don't really think that fluidity of gender identity and expression really ever goes away, and honestly, it really doesn't have to. Your gender as confusing and complex and contradictory as it is, is still inherently cohesive in the sense gender doesn't have to be cohesive or permanent. Of course that doesn't help the situation with deciding permanent changes (like surgery), but at that point that's also just the curse of being nonbinary / genderfluid / bigender / polygender / pangender. And this isn't to downplay how uniquely frustrating it can be as a system, because god having those fluid changes have full on voices, personalities and identities DOES NOT help with it, but its to say that having that contradicting, confusing, and conflicting gender experience is not inherently pathological - at least not in the DID sense.

It's just stupid gender issues /affectionate /lh /being trans is suffering sometimes I swear to god/ /joking

The best way we've navigated this though is to just focus on the current present, focus on exploring and testing what is okay, helps, and hurts, focus on our current in-the-moment feelings about things as we explore it, focus on deeply understanding and talking to parts about how they are feeling in the current moment about things and keep that discussion open ended and genuinely accepting, and focus on what your feelings to their feelings are. It's a long process but explore, listen to yourself and listen to your parts WITHOUT trying to argue or push a long term future agenda or plan or anything. Just listen and focus on the present exploration.

Doing so largely helps paint a clearer image of your collective experiences and what are things that you Must Have and things that you Must Not Have as well as creative ways to Sometimes Have things and Sometimes Not Have things. You'd be pretty surprised how much exploration and focus on the present, short term possibilities can come up with some really creative ways to embrace a non-traditional expression and way of living that doesn't fit into boxes as clearly

And also, most importantly, work with a gender-informed therapist if you can cause they can be SUPER helpful in bridging and connecting experiences and adding suggestions.

[consider-your-potatoes-mashed]

Long post incoming…

Long story short I went to Disney and was denied accommodations which made my experience and my friends experience (who are also like me autistic or have a lot of sensory issues) a lot more difficult and quite frankly a bit miserable. I was given no explanation or anything as for why we were denied.

Anyway I’m annoyed so yeah. Feel free to share any opinions or ideas or experiences yall might have I want to read them.

Below the cut is a long explanation

Ok so I went to Disney world last week and I was denied the DAS pass and I really do not understand why. I am autistic and have a lot of sensory issues which make waiting in long lines physically extremely difficult. This honestly is a bit ironic because my friends and I had to wait 2 hours in a line to even talk to someone about the DAS pass. Thankfully I had gotten a wheel chair to help with my other disabilities and could exit the line when I needed to. When I finally got up to the cast member I was asked so many invasive and honestly condescending questions about how I’m impacted by my “issues” and what problems could arise for me in line only to be denied with no explanation other than “the wheelchair is enough” which it was not. It really felt like being told “you’re not disabled enough”. I just want to know why. Was it my presentation? Was it my eye contact (that I make compulsively but the way)? Was it that I could advocate for myself? Was it really the fucking wheelchair? I just don’t understand. When I was done I was so overwhelmed and on the verge of tears only to be told no.

At California adventure all of the rides are “wheelchair accessible” and some rides in regular Disney are too (even though some of those ramps are steep as fuck), so I could wait in line for those in the chair but because of my sensory issues I couldn’t so honestly I feel like I missed out on a lot.

Thankfully we were able to get return times at some rides in Disney (but not California adventure) because I was using a wheelchair. But that was a whole other issue. You’d have to go through the exit and some of the hallways were so fucking narrow that two chairs couldn’t fucking pass each other. And ramps were so god damn steep. Like yeah the ground was pretty flat and not steep outside the rides big fuck guys trying to get to so many of the rides was impossible without a friend to like run push me up a hill. Space mountain, a ride I got a return time for, was like this. My friends tried to get the return time while I waited at the bottom but the cast member said I had to come up to get it even though I was somewhere they could definitely see me and from where I could wave/whatever to prove I was with them. But no I had to get up the inaccessible hill instead.

I still had a good time and am so grateful to my friends, one of whom basically gave me a tour of all the architecture and history of the park and Disney which was super cool. I also really enjoyed the rides themselves. And every cast member I interacted with was nice about everything (accessibility services person was nice but it felt condescending).

The one big thing I did like about the park though was the shape and size of the seats on the rides. I could actually fit on them mostly comfortably. Which for me is rare. I’m a plus size person (especially in the thighs and stomach) so I typically have a hard time fitting on rides other places so that was a nice change.

I think imma stick to six flags and universal studios in the future since I can actually be accommodated there. Sure six flags is not the best in terms for mobility issue accessibility since it is rather steep in many parts but I personally can cope with that better and they have elevators.

[purplesurveys]

1845

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? I feel like a fool remembering how I thought Saturday was going to be a rest day, because today has been everything but. Before this survey, we went to pick up paint for my sister's room; I went to my dentist appointment; dropped by Feliz to get ensaymadas my mom needed to pick up; three different drive-thrus because by lunch we were all starving, only to be met by super long lines so we just gave up; then had homemade lunch at home.

Now it's 4:12 PM and I hardly have a weekend left because we'll still need to go to church tonight, then I have an all-day event for work tomorrow + a wrestling show to attend in the evening.

Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I do, because it's a gated subdivision. The moment I step outside of the village and into the main highway might be a different story.

Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? No, we like keeping the house tidy. Even at its messiest I'd say it'd still be considered relatively clean. A lot of households I've been to are super cluttered so I'm lucky my family didn't fall under that trap.

Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? If you were fluent in every language surely that includes animal ones? < There we go, haha.

Does your kitchen have a pantry? Yes.

Do you live below your means? Or do you spend every penny you have? I live below it because after three years of doing exactly the opposite and spending money as long as I have it, I finally learned how unhealthy and unsustainable it is. I hardly touch my earnings now and my biggest current vice is just spending on food because I don't know how to cook.

What are some foods you enjoy cooking? I don't know how to cook and can't see myself enjoying it.

Have you ever watched Battlestar Galactica? Nope.

Can others often tell what you’re feeling by your facial expressions? Yeah I'm pretty transparent but that's also because I don't like keeping things in. If I'm happy you'll know it, if I'm pissed people will definitely recognize it.

Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? Yes, it's a regular part of my role.

Did you ever skip class when you were in school? If so, was there a particular class that you skipped the most? I couldn't skip class because my mom liked seeing us off hahaha. If I did choose to be absent, it was with her permission.

In your opinion, what is it that makes someone a good person? Doing things with compassion and sincerity. I really look up to people who can be genuine at all times.

Are you happy with the life you’re living? It's mostly okay, but there are things I still wish could be different.

How do your political beliefs compare to those of your parents? I lean on the left-wing and my parents are neutral more than anything, but that said I wouldn't say we clash. They just don't care for the most part.

What do you think of the Baby Boomer generation? Ruins most things, but maybe that's just my experience with Filipino boomers. Insufferable.

Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? I've probably done that before.

Are you high-maintenance? In some aspects but I wouldn't say it's my entire personality as I can be lax about other things.

What was the last non-fiction book you read? AJ Lee's autobiography.

Would you ever consider being a foster parent? No.

Are you able to crack any of your joints? Can't.

What’s your favorite movie genre? Drama and thriller.

What’s something that’s been on your mind a lot lately? My future at my workplace, saving up for a place to live, saving up for my US trip ten years down the line to fulfill my childhood dream of going to Wrestlemania. As for short-term – my birthday! Hahaha.

What was the last thing someone asked you for advice on? My mom asked me to help pick out a shade for my sister's room as she was still asleep when we went to the store and we needed to go by her request which was simply 'off-white' lol.

Have you ever kissed 3 or more people in the same day? No.

What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? It's harmless if it's like one ticket. Just don't let it become an obsession.

What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Wedding videos.

Are you a very detail-oriented person? Or are you better at seeing the big picture? Details. I need them.

Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? We've talked about Korea in 2025 but we'll see how that pans out. I'm definitely committed to prepare for it but I don't think they're at that point yet.

What was the last picture message you received, and from whom? Just something from work.

Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? No.

What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? We didn't have a lot. My fondest memories were going to the arcade and booking staycations in hotels, but even then they all mean a lot in their own ways.

What color suits you more: teal or black? I'd say black.

What continent do you live on? Asia.

[liqsouls]

Some thoughts (mostly reaching) about Snow on the beach (ft. Midnight rain).

Ig some of those takes were discussed before but I need to get those thoughts out of my mind so yeah.

When my dear Spotify decided to play SOTB after Midnight rain my attention *finally* was caught by the fact that Taylor used "midnight rain" to describe herself but her feeling for her lover(or their feelings/love in general) she described as a "snow at the beach". I found it interesting cause basically, we can describe snow as frozen rain. So here I'd assume that Taylor is also part of this "snow", she transformed into it. In this context firstly I want to point out a super obvious thing. Midnight rain or even rain on the beach is a more common natural phenomenon than snow on the beach. So ig it can mean that this love from SOTB is something even more unique cause it seems extraordinary (maybe even greater) compared to any other experience Tay had. Or it made her feel greater and unique. Next point is that transformation from one physical state to another aka water(rain) to crystals (snow) may be a metaphor of a personal transformation. The question is what does it mean? Which difference between snow and water? I thought abt it and for me, one thing stands out: snow reflects light much better than rain does (that's why snow is white and raindrops - transparent). This can mean that in this relationship Taylor (and probably her partner) reflects love, and feelings better. I like to think that "reflect" here means that they are not just consuming(receiving) love from each other but also giving it back. Also in terms of having color(snow) and being transparent (rain), this metaphor can mean that she is feeling more seen in this relationship. Here my take based on the possibility of a connection between SOTB and midnight rain ends and it's time for SOTB solo.

Firstly, I heard a lot of interpretations of "snow at the beach" as a way to say that this love was destinated to "melt" aka to end. And I can see where it's coming from but now I wanna talk about the full process of circulation of water. We all heard abt it, so long story short, in the end snow will evaporate, form clouds in the sky, and snow/or rain again. So it also can mean this love is destinated to come back no matter what. Like it's how the world works. Yeah kinda forevermore vibes and I like it.

One more thing that keeps me awake at night is that Tay mentioned snow and aurora borealis in one song and it obviously screams Antarctica. Actually, for me Antarctica is something that can be associated with Kaylor's relationship especially with all this "blackout" period. Antarctica is smth almost uninhabited (if we talk abt humans), far from other continents (I can say hidden in some way?), some counties claim parts of the lands, but other countries (including the US) don't recognize those claims, so ig it's safe to say that Antarctica doesn't belong to any country. Also, it's something unknown and unexplored for most of the ppl and that makes it kinda magical and mysterious, fits the isolation "take me to the lakes" vibe and technically snow at the beach is a very common thing in Antarctica. At the same time, it's in constant danger cause of global warming and stuff. Yeah, I can find some similarities between the description( or rather vibes) of Antarctica and Taylor's and Karlie's relationship.

Fun fact abt Antarctica is that time kinda works differently there (change of day-night specifically). We have such terms as Polar day and Polar night. It's when the sun doesn't set(day) or rise (night) for more than 24 hours (usually it lasts for a few months). So basically Antarctica is about constant daylight for days (months) but at the same time, it's about dark nights for days as well. Also at the South Pole itself days and nights last for almost 6 months each, so in this context "One night a few moons ago" can mean a few years ago. Btw, there is another popular term for "Polar Day" - "Midnight Sun" and in Antarctica day time occurs December which is fun ig.

[remcycl333]

you don’t need to be happy to be manifest!! but...

who doesn’t want to be happy?

(long post alert, sorry in advance lol. but please read it all the way through, i really think it’ll be worth it<3)

ok, to preface this, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. i’ve manifested great, positive things while i was in depressive episodes. i manifested wonderful things with tears streaming down my face. BUT, i think something a lot of people overlook is that it’s really beneficial to feel positively about your desires.

this is something i realized a few months ago, saw great results from, and then forgot all about and, well, stopped seeing the progress i wanted. but i’m back on track now, don’t you worry.

(i’m going to be using the example of my sp, bc that’s what i have the most experience with, but this applies to literally anything u r manifesting) 

i’ve made a few other posts saying pretty much what i’m about to say in this next paragraph, so if you’ve already read those, i’m sorry for repeating myself. just bear with me lol. 

so i came to a realization a few months ago--and i don’t exactly remember how i came to this realization--that i kind of...hated my sp? like i fucking resented him. and i was like, wait a minute, that’s not right. i love my sp. that’s why i’m trying to manifest him! so why do i feel like this?

i used to focus on manifesting in steps, so naturally the first step was contact. so i’d be affirming all day every day “my sp is texting me right fucking now😡“ (and other variations) and then when he didn’t text me, it’d just make me angry at him. but technically, he didn’t even do anything wrong?? sure he didn’t text me, but he had no clue he was supposed to? idk it was all complicated and weird. and then when i wasn’t mad that he didn’t text me, i was having arguments with him in my head, preparing for some weird fight that my brain just assumed was going to happen whenever we did get into contact. which is weird, bc my sp and i never fight. like, this is my ex. yet i literally cannot tell you a single fight that we have ever had. we literally get along perfectly. we have never fought (or even argued) once in all the time that we’ve known each other. yet my brain was always fighting him. and it was just, exhausting?

and so one day, when i was troubleshooting, i realized: rem, if you were in a relationship right now with your sp, would u hate him? would u be constantly fighting with him? god i fucking hope not! 

now, what would i be thinking? i’d be laying in bed at night, hugging my pillow, thinking about how much i love him. reflecting on how happy he makes me, how perfect he is, how good he makes me feel. i’d be thinking about how he is the most perfect boyfriend i could ever have asked for. i’d be content after spending a long day with him, excited to spend the next day with him as well. 

and during the day i wouldn’t be wondering why he wasn’t texting me. if anything, i’d be wondering why he was texting me considering we were literally hanging out, together, at that very moment! 

i would trust him. i’d be walking on cloud nine. i’d be content. i’d be...happy. 

now, in no way am i saying that you need to be happy 24/7, or dancing on air, or feeling intense butterflies in your stomach. you’re allowed to have other emotions. you’re allowed to feel anger, you’re allowed to break down and cry! you’re allowed to have bad days. but if you’re feeling these negative emotions about your desire, i want you to try your hardest to release them. i don’t think any of us want to have breakdowns over our manifestations and cry about them, but if it happens, it happens. just pick yourself up afterwards--or stop it before it even really begins, trust me, it gets easier to do this--and maybe do a few deep breaths to calm yourself down, and remind yourself why you’re on this journey in the first place. once again using the sp example, it’s because you love your sp. because they are perfect for you! they make you happy. you love their smile, their laugh, the witty conversations you have with each other. you love being in their arms.  you love when they’re in your arms! they did something that made you fall in love with them, or want to be in a relationship with them. what was it? focus on that. 

enough with the sammy ingram (i could go on a whole rant about her) style affirmations. with the “he’s going to fucking text me, he has no choice, he’s my fucking boyfriend and he does what i say.” like....ew?? i used to say shit like this, and it was really what started making me resent my sp. i was ordering him around in my head, creating this weird dynamic between us (which, he wasn’t even aware was there), and getting mad when he wasn’t doing what i was ordering him to do. looking back, it was borderline psychotic. it was just turning it into me against him, and that’s not what i wanted at all. i want to be in a relationship with him, with mutual love. i don’t want to be his boss, or his mom, or his fucking military sergeant!! (i don’t even know if that was the proper term bc fuck the military, but u guys know what i mean lmfaooo)

(disclaimer if u use these types of affirmations and they work for you, go for it. but i used them for a while and they just weren’t it for me. carry on)

i guess what i’m trying to say is, those affirmations weren’t making me feel good. they weren’t making me feel like a “boss ass bitch”. they were making me feel...like a bitch. and strangely, powerless. i’d say these affirmations, or just bland ones where i wasn’t necessarily demanding my sp to throw himself at my feet and kiss my shoes and tell me he is nothing without me, and ultimately, if i wasn’t feeling resentment, i was feeling...nothing. 

once again, i want to make this so so so clear, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. but my belief? if your affirmations aren’t making you feel joy, or excitement, or contentment, then what’s the fucking point? if you think of your desire, and don’t feel positive feelings about it, then you might have lost your way a little. 

don’t worry!! it’s an easy fix. easy, and even...fun? rewarding? comforting? i just want you to take some time--laying in bed at night is the perfect time to do this in my experience--to think about why you want your desire so badly. do you want money? think of how great life is going to be once you have it. of all the stuff you’re going to buy, for yourself, and maybe even for others. don’t focus on the problems you want to fix with it right now. think of that clothing item you’ve had your eye on, or that book you’ve been wanting to read but haven’t felt like “wasting” money on. think of how excited you are to buy those things, because you’re going to! think of the good. not the bad.

remember: you create more of what you focus on. focus on the good, get the good. focus more on the bad...get more of the bad. 

your manifestation is done. it is created. it is on it’s way to you. it is here! all there’s left to do is feel excited. it’ll be here any moment now, how fucking exciting is that! it’s safe for you to be happy. it’s safe for you to focus on the feelings you would have if you had it, rather than focus on affirming specifically to bring it to you. it is safe to be happy. 

i used to affirm solely for contact, all day every day, and sometimes i’d get it. but it’d be short lived, my sp would be distant, etc. but then once i started focusing on truly living in the end and basking in my love for my sp, thinking about how perfect and amazing he is, i not only got contact (without having to specifically affirm for it), but he was actively engaged in our conversations, making up new topics to keep the conversation going, asking me about and expressing interest in my hobbies and interests, bringing up and reminiscing on old memories of our previous relationship, complimenting me, flirting with me, asking me to hang out, etc. shit i was not getting when i was “he is so fucking in love with me and he’s texting me right fucking now”-ing all day long. i started focusing on how amazing and perfect and good to me he was, and that’s exactly what i got in my reality. who would’ve thunk? 

and you know what? yeah, he fucking loves me. he misses me and he wants to be with me. but that’s a given. but that doesn’t fucking matter. i am the only person who matters in my reality!! sure he loves me, but do i love him??? that’s what the universe wants to know. that’s what truly fucking matters. the universe brings me my desires. so i’m gonna fucking desire it! 

guys, please trust me on this. just try it out, with whatever you’re manifesting. this could be what you’re missing. this could bring your manifestation to you. i promise, if you’re like i was and feel resententment or anger or hatred towards your desire, this is going to make you feel so fucking good. just stick with this for a week or two. i promise, you’ll see movement.

and remember, there is no one to change but self. don’t change them (or it), change your perception of them (or it). 

let’s make manifesting fun again!!! it’s the perfect tool to bring happiness into your life. so fucking let it!!!! 

so no, you don’t need to be happy in order to manifest. but....maybe, just maybe, prioritizing your happiness isn’t such a bad thing. i mean, who doesn’t want to be happy?

[watchmegetobsessed]

Sparkles - Harry Styles

happy new year folks! this is my NYE gift for all of you, hope 2021 will treat you well and see you soon with hopefully a lot of content! thank you for being here with me this year, 2020 was an emotional ride for me, but tumblr remained my happy place. thank you for all the support you showed me and my art this year, cheers to a new one! enjoy this little soon-to-be-dad!harry piece as celebration

word count: 2.5k

masterlist

Harry finishes up the last touch on the virgin mojitos, adorning his work he did with the sugar-coated edge of the glass, feeling quite proud how he nailed it. He softly hums along the music that’s flowing from the record-player as he cleans up after himself, leaving the kitchen spotless, just when he hears his name called out.

“Harry? Can you help me?” Y/N’s voice comes from their shared bedroom and he is quick to drop everything to come to her rescue.

“Coming!”

He shuffles into the room, finding his very pregnant wife sitting on the edge of their bed, her favorite pair of heels at her feet that go well with the loose dress she is wearing. She has ditched wearing anything tight a while ago, feeling way more comfortable in baggy clothes since her bump started showing. He never tried to convince her to wear her usual clothes, he has read enough to know how much she goes through with her body image during pregnancy, so he just always wanted to make sure she feels comfortable over fashionable. Also, she looks breathtakingly beautiful to him regardless of what she is wearing. Or what she is not wearing…

Her eyes lift up to him as he appears in the room, she is leant back on one arm behind her while her other hand is cupping her bump.

“Can you please help me put them on?” she pouts and Harry is on his knees in front of her without a second thought. It’s not the first time she struggles to put her shoes on, but Harry doesn’t mind helping her do such mundane things, if anything, it just makes him feel involved, like he is able to take just a tiny part of the hard side of pregnancy away even if it’s just as small as putting on her shoes or shaving her legs in the parts where she can’t reach anymore.

“You sure you’ll be fine in heels all night, baby?” he asks, carefully sliding her slightly swollen feet into the heels, but they luckily still fit.

“Already packed a change, don’t worry,” she grins, her hand running up and down her stomach as Harry finishes up the task. Smirking up at her he leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to her bump, cupping the sides in his palms. Though he can’t wait to finally meet their little baby girl in just three short weeks, he gotta admit he’ll miss the bump.

Over the course of this pregnancy, he has grown to love this state of the woman he is in love with. See her go through the changes, experience new things and grow a new life in her own body, it’s been a privilege to be by her side through the journey and Harry can’t wait to see her do it again whenever the time is going to be right.

Standing up he helps her to her feet, she smoothes out the soft fabric of the dress that reaches just above her knees.

“You look amazing, baby,” he smiles, kissing her lips softly.

“Thank you. What time is it, should we leave?”

“Let’s drink our cocktails and then we can leave,” Harry nods. They move out to the kitchen and she squeals in happiness seeing the mojitos she requested from him earlier.

“These look so nice!” she gasps doing a little happy dance as she takes the one Harry hands her. “Is yours alcohol free too?”

“Of course.”

“You know you can drink, right? I don’t mind it.”

“I know. But I don’t want to,” he smiles down at her, clinking his glass against hers. “Cheers, baby.”

She smiles up at him stealing a quick kiss before they both taste the drink.

“Mm, this is amazing, H,” she nods to herself, gulping from the cocktail again and again.

“Yeah? You like it?”

“Yes. Can’t wait to have one with actual alcohol in it,” she smirks making him chuckle. He presses a soft kiss to the top of her head before chugging down his own drink.

Not so much later they get in the car and head over to one of their friends’ New Year’s Eve party they’ve been invited to. Harry was hesitant to accept the invitation at first, knowing well she would be close to full term at this point, but she seemed too excited to go out, something she hasn’t done too much lately. Pregnancy has made her way too tired most of the time to even leave the house, her natural habitat became their king sized bed, wearing mostly Harry’s jumpers with just her knickers.

Upon arriving to the party that’s held in a penthouse, Harry keeps a hand on her lower back at all times, making sure she is okay, whether it’s about needing something to drink, to eat or if she decides to change her shoes. That happens quite fast, barely over an hour into the evening Y/N makes her way to one of the plush couches and Harry gladly helps her get rid of the torturous heels and put on her ballerina shoes.

It’s past eleven when he first lets her out of his sight, only so she could go to the bathroom, though he asks if she needs help with that as well.

“I think I’ll manage,” she smiles at him, hand sliding to the back of his neck to pull him down for a quick kiss.

His eyes cautiously follow her disappear down one of the hallways, nursing the same soda he opened an hour ago. He returns his attention to the conversation they were in before her leaving and barely notices that she is taking way too long in the bathroom. When he realizes that she hasn’t returned, he excuses himself from the little group to go and find his wife. Dodging anyone who tries to pull him into another conversation, he makes his way down the hallway he last saw Y/N waddle away. It’s not his first time here, so he knows exactly where to find the bathroom, however, his eyes fall on something that diverts from his destination.

Walking past one of the many bedrooms, he notices an all too familiar pair of slightly swollen feet propped up on the edge of a bed through the door that’s ajar and a smile falls on his lips right away as he pushes it further open. Lying comfortably on top of the king sized bed, there is Y/N resting on her side, the only position she can sleep these days, hugging one of the giant pillows to herself, snoozing adorably.

Harry knew she would get tired way too early, though she was convinced it wouldn’t be a problem, staying up past midnight, yet here she is, sleeping the night away while the party is still buzzing outside. Her shoes are abandoned at the leg of the bed, purse tossed to the nightstand and Harry swears she probably came in to just lie down for a bit because her back was starting to hurt, but eventually fell asleep.

Walking inside he closes the door behind him, the bedside lamp illuminating the room enough for him to navigate to the other side of the bed as he kicks his shoes off. He couldn’t care less about all the people outside, it doesn’t matter that they probably should be out there mingling, right now he just wants to hold his pregnant wife and have a nap with her, regardless of the fact that they might miss midnight.

As soon as he lies down behind her, his arm circles around her, hand coming to rest just above her popped out belly button and though he tried to be as careful as possible, she still wakes up, blinking at him over her shoulder a little groggily.

“Harry? I fell asleep,” she whispers, partially to herself, rather than to him.

“I know baby. It’s alright.”

“M’sorry, I just came in here to have a breather, but I just felt so tired,” she adds, yawning into her words at the end.

“Don’t worry. Wanna stay a little longer or do you wanna go out?”

“How much time do we have until midnight?” she asks, furrowing her eyebrows before her eyes go wide. “Wait, did I sleep through midnight?”

“No, you didn’t,” he chuckles softly, kissing her shoulder. “Want me to set an alarm for us?”

“Please,” she nods, dropping her head back to the pillow. He fishes his phone out of his back pocket, setting an alarm ten minutes before midnight so they have a little over twenty minutes to rest before they have to emerge from their temporary bedroom.

Dropping the phone behind him to the mattress, he places back his palm to her bump, gently caressing it as she leans back against his body, enjoying the warm embrace of him. They both doze off soon, the party outside is long forgotten as they enjoy some alone time, but those twenty minutes go by faster than they wanted it to and they are shaken up from their shallow sleep by the sound of his phone’s alert.

“Ah fuck,” he slurs, blindly tapping around the mattress behind him until his hand finally finds the phone and he turns it off.

“Why am I so tired?” she breathes out rolling to her back, staring up at the ceiling with sleepy eyes. Harry’s eyes wander down on her body and he can’t help the smile forming on his lips seeing her bump towering high. He is still struggling to wrap his head around the fact that there’s a tiny baby girl in there, his baby girl.

“Because you are growing our baby. That needs a lot of energy,” he mumbles kissing her tummy softly, running his hand up and down on it.

“Do you think she’ll look more like you or me?” she asks excitedly, tangling her graceful fingers through his hair as he presses his cheek gently against the side of her bump.

“I hope she’ll take more after you,” he smiles at her.

“Really?”

“Of course. But like, with a hint of me,” he adds, making her chuckle.

“I want her to have your eyes. I love them,” she muses and reaching out she runs a finger delicately through his left eyebrow, bringing it down the side of his face until it reaches his lips. He turns his head slightly, pressing a kiss to the pad of her finger, tugging her smile wider with the softness of his actions.

They hear the buzzing increase outside, so they figure the countdown is close. Though the both know they should be heading out to be with the rest of the guests, neither of them moves.

“I’m a little afraid though,” she whispers as the smile falls from her lips.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. It’ll be weird that it won’t be just the two of us anymore.”

“Do you… regret…?” he implies hesitantly, a little afraid of her answer even though he knows it.

“Of course not,” she breathes out with a soft smile. “I wanted this. We both wanted, right?” Harry nods at her question. “I just… I’m a little afraid we will lose… us. You know what I mean?”

“I think I do,” he nods again, pushing himself up before he scoots closer, caging her between his arms on the bed as he holds himself up above her. “And I promise you I will never stop working on us. I’ll try my best to keep these sparkles alive for as long as we live.”

“So you still feel the sparkles?” she asks with a shy smile, hands sliding to the back of his neck as she starts playing with his curls.

“Of course I do,” he smirks.

“Even after spending five years with me, you still haven’t gotten bored of me?”

“I could never,” he chuckles shaking his head dramatically, making his curls brush against her forehead.

“Yeah?” she giggles. “Not even when I’m making you watch Big Hero 6 for the millionth time?”

“Not even then,” he assures her. He could never say no to her pouty look whenever she is trying to make him watch it again, because it’s her favorite Disney movie of all times. If anything, he cherishes the moments when she is all cuddled up to his side and quotes the lines perfectly, eyes shining so brightly. He would do anything to make her happy.

“Ten! Nine! Eight!” The countdown begins outside, yet they still don’t move. Staring at each other, they preserve this precious moment, one of the last ones where they are on their own. Her hands go to cup his cheeks, her thumb running along the soft skin under his eyes.

“I love you. So much,” he breathes out, closing his eyes for a short moment to enjoy her soft touch.

“Seven! Six! Five! Four!”

“I love you too,” she whispers, getting lost in his eyes once they lock on hers again.

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year, my love. I can’t wait to see what this year brings for us.”

“Happy New Year, baby,” she smiles, pulling him down for a sweet and appreciative kiss, the first one of the year.

They drag the moment a little longer, enjoying the sparkles that are still clearly there, before they pull back, grinning at each other like crazy.

“We should head back, don’t we?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Can we leave soon though? I don’t think I can stay awake much longer.”

“Of course,” he chuckles pecking her lips one last time before he scoots to the edge of the bed to get off of it.

“Harry?” she calls out and when his eyes return to her frame, she is still lying in the same position.

“Love, we really shouldn’t stay any longer in here,” he huffs, eyes soft on her, but she shakes her head.

“It’s not that. I think… I think I need some help getting up,” she admits chuckling.

“Oh right,” he mumbles shuffling over to her side to grab her hands and gently pull her up until she sits on the edge of the bed. He kneels down without a second thought, putting on her shoes, making her smile. “There,” he breathes out, helping her to her feet. She circles her arms around his neck, pulling him as close as possible with her bump.

“You are going to be such an amazing dad, Harry,” she breathes out kissing him delicately.

“I hope so,” he chuckles nervously, his hands squeezing her hips gently. “Come on, let’s schmooze a little longer so we can go home and sleep.”

“That’s the best thing you said tonight,” she sighs dramatically, making his eyes go wide.

“Oh really? That was the best?”

“Just kidding!” she chuckles pinching his cheek before adding in a mumble: “Kinda.”

“You’re lucky you are pregnant, I wouldn't let this slide otherwise,” he shakes his head, taking her hand as they head towards the door.

“Oh, but you love me too much to get mad at me, right?”

Smirking he opens the door and holds it open for her.

“I do love you a lot.”

Thank you for reading! Like/reblog if you liked it and leave a feedback!

[fatliberation]

I’m Abandoning Body Positivity and Here’s Why

In short: it’s fatphobic.

“A rallying cry for a shift in societal norms has now become the skinny girl’s reassurance that she isn’t really fat. Fatness, through this lens of ‘body positivity’, remains the worst thing a person can be.” (Kayleigh Donaldson)

•  •  •

I have always had a lot of conflicting opinions about the body positivity movement, but it’s much more widely known (and accepted, go figure) than the fat liberation movement, so I often used the two terms interchangeably in conversation about anti-fatness. But the longer I’ve been following the body positivity movement, the more I’ve realized how much it has strayed from its fat lib origins. It has been hijacked; deluded to center thin, able, white, socially acceptable bodies.

Bopo’s origins are undoubtedly grounded in fat liberation. The fat activists of the 1960s paved the way for the shred of size acceptance we see in media today, initially protesting the discrimination and lack of access to equal opportunities for fat people specifically. This early movement highlighted the abuse, mental health struggles, malpractice in the medical field, and called for equal pay, equal access, equal respect, an end to fatphobic structures and ideas. It saddens me that it hasn’t made much progress in those regards. 

Today, the #bopo movement encapsulates more the idea of loving your own body versus ensuring that individuals regardless of their weight and appearance are given equal opportunities in the workplace, schools, fashion and media. Somehow those demands never made it outside of the ‘taboo’ category, and privileged people would much more readily accept the warm and fuzzy, sugar-coated message of “love yourself!” But as @yrfatfriend once said, this idea reduces fat people’s struggles to a problem of mindset, rather than a product of external oppressors that need to be abolished in order for fat people to live freely.

That generalized statement, “love yourself,” is how a movement started by fat people for the rights of fat people was diluted so much, it now serves a thin model on Instagram posting about how she has a tummy roll and cellulite on her thighs - then getting praised for loving her body despite *gasp!* its minor resemblance to a fat body. 

Look. Pretty much everyone has insecurities about their bodies, especially those of us who belong to marginalized groups. If you don’t have body issues, you’re a privileged miracle, but our beauty-obsessed society has conditioned us to want to look a certain way, and if we have any features that the western beauty standard considers as “flaws,” yeah! We feel bad about it! So it’s not surprising that people who feel bad about themselves would want to hop on a movement that says ‘hey, you’re beautiful as you are!’ That’s a message everyone would like to hear. Any person who has once thought of themselves as less than beautiful now feels that this movement is theirs. And everyone has insecurities, so everyone feels entitled to the safe space. And when a space made for a minority includes the majority, the cycle happens again and the majority oppresses the minority. What I’m trying to explain here is that thin people now feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces. 

Regardless of how badly thin people feel about their bodies, they still experience thin privilege. They can sit down in a theater or an airplane without even thinking about it, they can eat in front of others without judgement, they can go the doctor with a problem and actually have it fixed right away, they can find cute clothes in their size with ease, they do not suffer from assumptions of laziness/failure based on stereotype, they see their body type represented everywhere in media, the list goes on and on. They do not face discrimination based off of the size of their body. 

Yet diet culture and fatphobia affects everyone, and of course thin people do still feel bad about the little fat they have on their bodies. But the failure to examine WHY they feel bad about it, is what perpetuates fatphobia within the bopo movement. They’re labeled “brave” for showing a pinch of chub, yet fail to address what makes it so acceptably daring, and how damaging it is to people who are shamed for living in fat bodies. Much like the rest of society, thin body positivity is still driven by the fear of fat, and does nothing to dismantle fatphobia within structures or within themselves.

Evette Dionne sums it up perfectly in her article, “The Fragility of Body Positivity: How a Radical Movement Lost Its Way.”

“The body-positive media economy centers these affirming, empowering, let-me-pinch-a-fat-roll-to-show-how-much-I-love-myself stories while failing to actually challenge institutions to stop discriminating against fat people. More importantly, most of those stories center thin, white, cisgender, heterosexual women who have co-opted the movement to build their brands. Rutter has labeled this erasure ‘Socially Acceptable Body Positivity.’

“On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified. Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with [sic], and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone” (Dionne).

Ah, yes. The medicalization of fat bodies, and the moralization of health. I’ve ranted about this before. Countless comments on posts of big women that say stuff like “I’m all for body positivity, but this is just unhealthy and it shouldn’t be celebrated.” I’ve heard writer/activist Aubrey Gordon once say that body positivity has become something like a shield for anti-fatness. It’s anti-fatness that has been repackaged as empowerment. It’s a striking double-standard. Fat people are told to be comfortable in their bodies (as if that’s what’s going to fix things) but in turn are punished when they’re okay with being fat. Make it make sense.

Since thin people feel a sense of ownership over body positive spaces, and they get to hide behind “health” when they are picking and choosing who can and cannot be body positive, they base it off of who looks the most socially acceptable. And I’m sure they aren’t consciously picking and choosing, it comes from implicit bias. But the socially acceptable bodies they center are small to medium fat, with an hourglass shape. They have shaped a new beauty standard specifically FOR FAT PEOPLE. (Have you ever seen a plus sized model with neck fat?? I’m genuinely asking because I have yet to find one!) The bopo movement works to exclude and silence people who are on the largest end of the weight spectrum. 

Speaking of exclusion, let’s talk about fashion for a minute.

For some reason, (COUGH COUGH CAPITALISM) body positivity is largely centered around fashion. And surprise surprise, it’s still not inclusive to fat people. Fashion companies get a pat on the back for expanding their sizing two sizes up from what they previously offered, when they are still leaving out larger fat people completely. In general, clothing companies charge more for clothes with more fabric, so people who need the largest sizes are left high and dry. It’s next to impossible to find affordable clothes that also look nice. Fashion piggybacks on the bopo movement as a marketing tactic, and exploits the very bodies it claims to be serving. (Need I mention the time Urban Outfitters used a "curvy” model to sell a size it doesn’t even carry?)

The movement also works to exclude and silence fat Black activists.

In her article, “The Body Positivity Movement Both Takes From and Erases Fat Black Women” Donyae Coles explains how both white people and thin celebrities such as Jameela Jamil profit from the movement that Black women built.

“Since long before blogging was a thing, fat Black women have been vocal about body acceptance, with women like Sharon Quinn and Marie Denee, or the work of Sonya Renee Taylor with The Body Is Not An Apology. We’ve been out here, and we’re still here, but the overwhelming face of the movement is white and thin because the mainstream still craves it, and white and thin people have no problem with profiting off the work of fat, non-white bodies.”

“There is a persistent belief that when thin and/or white people enter the body positive realm and begin to repeat the messages that Black women have been saying for years in some cases, when they imitate the labor that Black women have already put in that we should be thankful that they are “boosting” our message. This completely ignores the fact that in doing so they are profiting off of that labor. They are gaining the notoriety, the mark of an expert in something they learned from an ignored Black woman” (Coles).

My next essay will go into detail about this and illuminate key figures who paved the way for body acceptance in communities of color. 

The true purpose of this movement has gotten completely lost. So where the fuck do we go from here? 

We break up with it, and run back to the faithful ex our parents disapproved of. We go back to the roots of the fat liberation movement, carved out for us by the fat feminists, the queer fat activists, the fat Black community, and the allies it began with. Everything they have preached since the 1960s and 70s is one hundred percent applicable today. We get educated. We examine diet culture through a capitalist lens. We tackle thin, white-supremacist systems and weight based discrimination, as well as internalized bias. We challenge our healthcare workers to unlearn their bias, treat, and support fat patients accordingly. We make our homes and spaces accessible and welcoming to people of any size, or any (dis)ability. “We must first protect and uplift people in marginalized bodies, only then can we mandate self-love” (Gordon).

Think about it. In the face of discrimination, mistreatment, and emotional abuse, we as a society are telling fat people to love their bodies, when we should be putting our energy toward removing those fatphobic ideas and structures so that fat people can live in a world that doesn’t require them to feel bad about their bodies. It’s like hitting someone with a rock and telling them not to bruise!

While learning to love and care for the body that you’re in is important, I think that body positivity also fails in teaching that because it puts even more emphasis on beauty. Instead of saying, “you don’t have to be ‘beautiful’ to be loved and appreciated,” its main lesson is that “all bodies are beautiful.” We live in a society obsessed with appearance, and it is irresponsible to ignore the hierarchy of beauty standards that exist in every space. Although it should be relative, “beautiful” has been given a meaning. And that meaning is thin, abled, symmetric, and eurocentric. 

Beauty and ugliness are irrelevant, made-up constructs. People will always be drawn to you no matter what, so you deserve to exist in your body without struggling to conform to an impossible and bigoted standard. Love and accept your body for YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE, because you do not exist to please the eyes of other people. That’s what I wish we were teaching instead. Radical self acceptance!

As of today, the ultimate message of the body positivity movement is: Love your body “despite its imperfections.” Or people with “perfect and imperfect bodies both deserve love.” As long as we are upholding the notion that there IS a perfect body that looks a certain way, and every body that falls outside of that category is imperfect, we are upholding white supremacy, eugenics, anti-fatness, and ableism.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

no problem!! honestly i love infodumping about this stuff and trying to explain it in terms that might be more accessible to people; tabletop can be intimidating if you're not familiar with how it goes, but if you try it and it clicks it is a really, truly special experience that's hard or downright impossible to capture with other forms of media, and the idea of making it available to people who might find joy in it when it's been such a gatekept form of storytelling for so long is something i'm really passionate about.

(i feel similarly about it to the way a lot of people feel about theatre, actually, now that i think of it.)

so yeah! it may take me a little while to draft up some proper in-depth answers (especially since i've been immersed in this for the better part of a year now, so i'm doing my best not to fall into this xkcd comic ashdhdjdhd), but it's no hardship to me to answer questions about this stuff and if anything i'm really grateful for the opportunity. :D

initial answer to the question re: D&D and Warhammer 40K (which will probably make more sense after the upcoming post going more in-depth on all this): they're both massive, extremely complicated systems which are almost entirely built around playing out combat in excruciating detail, and actual storytelling is kind of an afterthought in comparison. their communities have done a lot over time to try and compensate for that, but it's at the heart of those games and that's not really the kind of thing i'm interested in when i want to sit down and play/develop tabletop.

(seriously, the norm for D&D is for one (1) battle to take an entire 2-4 hour session. it's a game where unless you have a really good DM you could straight up take a short nap in between actually getting to do anything during combat, as long as people catch you up on what happened while you were out. it's a LOT.)

add that to the fact that D&D especially is a game people have been expanding and patching and adding onto, and making whole new editions of, for decades--and that there are a lot of worldbuilding things built into fundamental mechanics that Really Bother Me, like the alignment chart--and it's one that's just too overwhelming for me to want to get the hang of enough to design things for.

which, again, i'm not opposed to it on principle! if anyone who knows more about, and/or is more interested in working with, D&D or Warhammer than i am wants to give it a shot, that's totally cool and i'd love to see it. i just would rather not work with it myself, except maybe to take inspiration from some bits and pieces here and there.

(fun fact: the vatborn and trueborn were lifted straight out of warhammer uncredited, lmfao)

BUT YEAH, again some of this will probably make more sense with the followup i'm going to write out about the deal with systems + adapting things to them, and how it's relevant to LL in this case. i'm looking forward to it and i love talking about this stuff, so don't hesitate to ask questions if at any point you're still not sure about something! if anything it actually helps me think more solidly about the design and where to focus on it, so they're very much welcome. ✨️

hey there, LL fandom!

first off i have been gone for a while, whoops, hello

second, i have been on a huge tabletop dev kick lately, and i am considering whipping up something for lorien legacies! i'm not sure yet how much of it would be its own system vs how much of it would be a supplement for an existing, larger game, but LL has some worldbuilding that i think would adapt really well to RPG format and i thought it'd be neat to give it a shot.

right now the main things i'm planning on adapting in some form are:

legacies, Of Course

charms

the Goop, especially augments and vatborn

chimæra

garde vs non-garde

species (where relevant and appropriate)

whatever is going on with the entity, the spark, and how they relate to different planets' alive-or-dead status

staying undercover vs strategically revealing information

establishing bases, resources, and backup vs being ready to make a clean getaway

guidelines for making/tweaking new legacies, charms, etc while keeping them balanced and fun, as well as leaving room for people to use their own interpretations of the worldbuilding

And So On

it might take me a while to get around to it, and it might turn into a Huge Complex Thing of Its Own, or might just be good for some flavoring and small mechanical twists added on to an existing game. but i think it'd be a lot of fun to work on, and if anyone has suggestions for systems you think it might work well with or other things from the books to adapt, feel free to weigh in!

[sleepysnk]

hey y'all! i decided to make a fic for our lovely Jean boy. i got this idea after Sunday's episode :(, he deserves so much love right now. this is the longest fic i've written, so i hope you all enjoy! ♡

Close the Gap

Pairings: Jean Kirstein x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 6.8k

Warnings: None just fluff

Long distances relationships were always something many people tended to avoid. 

The idea of a long distance relationship made (Y/N) feel queasy, her stomach would always churn at the idea of dating somebody who was miles away from her. She heard the many scary stories from her friends about these people not being who they said they were, or the horror stories of girls going missing after meeting with these people. 

Not to mention she always binged watched MTV'S Catfish the TV Show at 3 A.M. watching how people would get catfished. The show was another reason why she tended to avoid dating anyone who was pretty far away. Her worst fear was to find that the person she trusted wasn't who they said they were. 

That all changed seven months ago when she met him. 

More specifically, Jean Kirstein.

(Y/N) was feeling pretty lonely, she was desperate for a relationship at the time and her best friend Sasha told her about some dating apps she could use. She wasn't exactly down to set her up with one of her friends. (Y/N) took the offer on the dating app and set up a profile. 

She met a few decent guys, but they always ended up sending the usual "send me some pics" or "u down to hook up?" texts. Most of the guys on the apps were idiots who were looking just for a quick fuck or something short term, which isn't something (Y/N) wanted. 

She complained to Sasha about it and even considered just deleting the apps, but she told her to just give it one more shot. 

She was glad she did. 

(Y/N) was swiping through the different guys on the app. Some caught her eye or some made her face scrunch with disgust. 

Her swiping stopped when her eyes landed on him. She was instantly attracted to him, his sharp jawline, shaggy light brown hair which was a bit long, his golden brown eyes, toned chest and that goddamn smile. He had a sly smile that made her feel butterflies. 

After she looked at his profile she was hooked. He seemed like a really sweet guy based on his description. He knew how to cook, draw, he played sports, worked out, etc. He also seemed really sweet as well. 

She was tempted to text him first, but she decided not to. The few times she did message a guy first it ended with the guy being dry, or sending some gross messages complimenting her body rather than her face. 

She totally forgot that day that she added him until she got the notification. 

Jean: hey! i saw your profile and let me just say you are gorgeous ❤

From that day forward the two talked every night, they spent many nights texting until they both felt tired, exchanging social media as well. She learned a lot about him, Jean was a fitness major at his university and he wanted to be a personal trainer. They connected on a lot of things, they had a lot of the same likes and dislikes which made the conversations they had even greater. 

She told Jean about the many shitty experiences she had with guys and how she was very hesitant to even give him a chance. Jean shared a lot of the same stories, he had gotten cheated on about a year prior before getting the app. (Y/N) felt bad for him, why cheat on a nice guy like Jean?

Facetiming him was definitely one of her favorite things to do, she told him about how freaked out she was about trying online dating due to how easy it was to fake an online personality. Jean assured her that was not the case and he wasn't a fake person at all. 

Seeing his face on facetime made her heart swell, he was 10x more attractive on facetime than his photos. He had this amazing smile that made her feel weak, and whenever he laughed she found herself having butterflies. Jean thought the same about (Y/N), he thought she was absolutely gorgeous and he wanted to see her face a lot more. 

He always threw a flirt her way whenever he could, Jean was smooth like that. He told her if she was ever unsure of an outfit that she was to send him a picture, and when she did, he was absolutely speechless. Sending the usual heart eyes and telling her how beautiful she was. His words always made her smile. 

While things were perfect for them, there was one small issue. 

They both lived very far from each other. 

Opposite coasts to be exact. 

Jean lived on the East coast while (Y/N) lived on the west. They lived miles away from each other, and although it wasn't a huge bother, it always made her feel lonely. 

Jean felt the same way, he felt lonely being so far away from her. Parts of him wished he lived closer so he could just drive and see her, but with how far it is, he knew it would probably be a very long drive and he just didn't have the time for that. Nor did (Y/N).

They spent many nights talking about dates they'd go on, things they'd do, etc. Jean told her how he would so make a meal for her and he'd take her to meet his mom. All those things sounded so nice, she wanted it to happen so bad.

But they just lived too far from one another.

Plus they both had very busy schedules, both were too caught up with assignments and their own personal lives that flying out wouldn't be exactly a good idea. 

It was unfortunate, but that was the reality of the situation. 

Even with all of that, they still held onto one another. For some reason, Jean didn't want to let her slip by. For the first time, she made him genuinely happy. (Y/N) felt the same way towards Jean, she always found herself being excited to see his name pop up in her phone or when he asked to facetime. There was just something about this boy she didn't want to let go of. He was the only guy who saw her for who she was, and not just her body. 

Neither of them wanted to let this opportunity slip by.

-

Here they were, seven months later. They still kept up with each other every day, though having not met yet, the feelings they both had never changed. 

They weren't dating, but they only talked to each other. Neither had wandering eyes. 

It was a usual night for the two of them, (Y/N) and Jean were on facetime while she did homework and Jean sat playing video games. She didn't mind the gaming, it was something he liked to do so why dislike it?

She was copying notes when her eyes averted upwards towards her phone screen which was propped up. Jean was shirtless sitting in his chair, he had his headset on his head with one of the earmuffs behind his ear. He was focused on the game, his brows pinching together a few times as he played. 

A giggle escaped her lips, making Jean look down at his phone with a smile. 

"What are you giggling about?" he asked, bringing his face close to the camera. 

She smiled. "Oh nothin' you just look really cute playing your game," she replied and set her pen down on the desk. 

He licked his lips and leaned back against his chair, eyeing the screen. "I'd say you look pretty damn fine doing homework," he replied, raising his brows.

Heat rushed to her cheeks, rolling her eyes in the process. "Ugh shush! I look like a total mess," she said and looked away from the screen. 

Jean chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair. "Nah.. you look like the girl who's gonna have my last name," he replied, smirking. 

Her jaw dropped from his comment, a smile grew onto her lips as her cheeks felt hot. He was smooth like that. 

"You are quite smooth," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. 

Another chuckle escaped his throat. "Yeah I'm smooth.. only for you though," he said, winking at the camera. 

"You're adorable.. I wish you were here so I could squeeze your cheeks," she said and played with her pen. 

Jean nodded. "I wish I was there with you too.." he said, looking down at the ground. "I'd like my cheeks squeezed but I'd want to squeeze yours.. if you know what I mean," he added. 

She started laughing a bit. "Ugh Jean I never get tired of you," she replied, looking at her phone screen. "Will you ever be here?" she asked.

Jean fell silent and leaned back against the chair. A sigh escaping his lips. "I have no idea (Y/N).. my schedule has been busy lately, plus I don't really have the funds to fly out anytime soon." he replied, his voice filled with disappointment.

She felt a slight tug at her heart, she knew they probably wouldn't meet for a long time. Many of her friends told her that Jean wasn't worth her time at all and that she needed someone who could come see her. Her friends also said it's not worth it at all and that he'd probably end up hooking up with some girl, and totally forgetting about her. That's something she absolutely didn't want to think about.

"(Y/N)? You alright?" Jean asked, breaking her out of her thoughts.

She shook her head, blinking a few times. "Y-Yeah! Sorry, I zoned out.." she replied and smiled a bit.

He put his controller on his desk, he stared at the screen for a few moments. "You know (Y/N) I really want to meet you, trust me I do. I know how much it bothers you that we can't at the moment, but I promise you, we will meet some day." he said with a serious expression. 

She felt her heart swell at his words, Jean always knew what to say to make her feel like a princess. Jean always said from day one that they would meet, it was a promise he had yet to fulfill, but he told her to never worry and that he'll make it happen. She just has to believe him. 

"I trust your words Jean," she said, smiling a bit.

A grin grew onto his face. "Ugh.. this is why I want to meet you so bad. I wanna see that pretty smile in person," he said and leaned against his desk. 

Her cheeks felt hot from his words. "You're too sweet," she replied, rolling her eyes playfully. 

Jean chuckled. "Sweet enough for you,"

Suddenly, (Y/N) heard her bedroom door fly open. 

"Hey (Y/N)!- Oh crap.. did I interrupt something?" 

Her head snapped back to see her best friend Sasha standing in the doorway. 

"Oh not at all Sash, I was just talking to Jean." (Y/N) replied, looking back at the camera. 

Sasha grinned widely, she knew who he was ever since they started talking. Jean was cool with her, he felt like first impressions with friends are always important. 

"Hey Jean!" Sasha yelled, coming down to her phone. "Ooo.. (Y/N) he's shirtless for you," she teased, elbowing her side. 

Her jaw dropped as her cheeks grew hot again. "Can you not! Why are you even here anyway?" she asked, looking up at her friend. 

"Uh duh, I'm here to discuss Valentine's Day plans! You know.. Connie and stuff," she replied in a whisper. 

(Y/N) rolled her eyes playfully. "Ugh fine! Hey Jean, is it cool if I call you back later? Sash here needs boy advice," she asked, grabbing her phone. 

Jean smiled. "Yeah totally.. text me okay? Be safe." he replied. 

She felt a wide smile grow onto her cheeks. "I most definitely will!" she said, hanging up the call. 

Sasha leaned against the wall with a giant smirk on her face. (Y/N) looked up, her head nodding as she was confused as to why she was acting like that. 

"What?" she asked, furrowing her brows. 

A giggle escaped Sasha's lips. "Oh nothing! Ugh (Y/N)! When are you finally going to meet Jean? Have you guys even made it official yet?" she asked. 

She looked down. "No.. we haven't made it official. We aren't dating Sasha, we're just talking and stuff." she replied, shrugging her shoulders. 

Sasha crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe it's time you do it! You've been talking for months, and I feel like it's a good time. Especially with Valentine's Day and all," she said. 

(Y/N) wasn't sure if what Sasha was saying was a good idea. How the hell would she even ask out Jean? Over a facetime call? That sounded boring. It also sounded too cliche and not special at all. 

"I would Sash but asking him out over a phone just sounds so.. middle school," she replied and stood up. "It's not like I can fly out and ask him out or whatever," she added. 

A grin was displayed onto Sasha's face. "I guess you're right," she said and shrugged her shoulders. 

"Now come on… let's go discuss things for Connie," (Y/N) said, pushing past her. 

Sasha grinned again, following her friend. 

-

(Y/N) spent most of the week helping Sasha with her Valentine's Day gift for Connie. Sasha had some odd ideas, but eventually they came to an agreement on a decent idea. 

For some reason, things felt off with Jean.

The past few days she noticed a change in his behavior, he became a little less interested in their conversations and his replies were a bit dry. Of course she blamed it on him maybe being tired from classes or working out, but she wasn't exactly sure if that was the reason. She questioned it a few times, but Jean usually replied with a 'wym?'.

"(Y/N)!? Hello? Come on help me finish this," 

Sasha's voice broke her out of the thoughts she was having. "Sorry! What's up?" she asked, blinking a bit. 

Sasha put the bag of snacks down. "Are you sure you're alright? You've been acting weird all day," she said and crossed her arms. 

(Y/N) sighed. "Yes I'm fine Sasha," she replied and leaned back in her chair.

She nodded her head and sat back down in front of her. "Alright.. can you just organize this for me?" she asked, tossing the bag towards her. 

(Y/N) grabbed the stuff and began to sort through the items Sasha bought Connie. She wasn't exactly alright, she was feeling lonely the past few days. She saw all of her friends getting ready for Valentine's Day with their significant others, while she didn't have anybody. The pink and red boxes of chocolates, the teddy bears, roses, everything! It made her feel lonely and with Jean's behavior… it didn't exactly make it better.

She looked at her phone which displayed no messages from Jean. For some reason he hasn't been messaging her a lot lately. 

2:31 P.M.<- (Y/N): hey :)) 

4:23 P.M.<- (Y/N): i hope your day is going well! ♡

She sighed and went back to the gift for Connie. 

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day, (Y/N)?" Sasha asked and looked up at her. 

She shrugged her shoulders. "Probably just watching Netflix movies," she replied with disappointment in her voice. 

She nodded her head. "What!? No! You're not gonna do that on my watch. Why don't you come hangout with Connie and I?" she asked. 

A laugh escaped her lips. "Yeah I so wanna do that. Watching you two make out and eat is so much fun," she replied in a teasing voice. 

Sasha blushed. "Oh shut up! Come on.. I know you won't have anyone to hang with," she said and pouted a bit. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I can always call up Eren or something," she said and laughed a bit. 

Sasha hit her arm. "No! You're hanging with me and that's final! Plus why would you wanna hangout with Eren? He'd probably take you to some party," she said. 

"Yeah you're probably right," (Y/N) replied, chewing her lip. 

She threw her a smile. "Exactly!" she said and went to go look at her phone. 

(Y/N) looked on her own phone as she felt disappointed seeing no messages from Jean. She hated double texting him, she felt like she was a bother and that she was annoying him. Maybe he just didn't have his phone on him. 

A sudden squeal came from Sasha, which made (Y/N) look up in surprise.

"Uh.. are you okay?" she asked and blinked a bit. 

Sasha looked at her, composing herself. "Oh- u-um! Yeah totally, Connie was just telling me something. That's all," she replied and looked down at her phone. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "Ugh Connie.." she said, shaking her head. 

-

The next two days were kind of difficult for (Y/N). Jean had totally changed his behavior, he was more dry, took longer to respond, and even on their facetime call he didn't seem very interested. If she did want to facetime, he would claim he was busy or he didn't exactly seem to pay attention. 

Her mind raced with different thoughts about the situation. What if Jean was getting tired of her? What if this was the situation all of her friends told her about? How guys who live far end up leaving you for someone who lives near them. It hurt to think about. 

"I don't know his behavior just changed!" 

She was currently ranting to Sasha who came over for a bit. "He's been dry? I mean.. Connie can be dry," she replied, playing with her pillow. 

"No like overly dry, Jean is never dry! He always keeps the conversation going, he doesn't even send me good morning texts anymore either!" she said and sat up. 

Sasha nodded as she listened to her words. "Have you tried asking at all?" she asked. 

(Y/N) sighed. "I did on facetime and he sort of dodged the question," she replied. 

"I dunno (Y/N).. maybe just see what happens? Maybe he's got some personal stuff going on" Sasha said. 

(Y/N) shrugged. "Couldn't say.." 

A sudden ping from Sasha's phone made her ears chirp, she reached over and looked at her phone. She started jumping around excitedly. 

"What? What happened?" (Y/N) asked, furrowing her brows. 

Sasha looked at her. "I gotta go! Connie texted me about something.. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she said, shoving her phone in her pocket. 

She felt confused as to why Sasha was leaving. "Uh.. yeah, okay. See you later," she replied and watched as Sasha exited her room and out the front door. 

She flopped onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling as her mind clouded with thoughts about Jean. Her mind was playing scenarios she didn't want to see, Jean finding someone else would absolutely crush her. In a way, it would be for the best, considering they haven't even met, but she was in too deep with feelings. She didn't want anybody else. 

She grabbed her phone, she opened their messages and scrolled to see if there was anything she could have said to make him upset. Jean was always one to communicate with her, he'd always tell her if he was having a bad day or someone pissed him off. Why wasn't he doing that now? Her eyes scanned over the most recent message she sent.

7:21 P.M.<- (Y/N): did you go working out? i bet you're getting those gains! <3 lol.

Another sigh escaped her lips reading the words 'delivered'. What was going with him? 

-

It was Valentine's Day. 

(Y/N) wasn't exactly in the best mood today, that feeling of loneliness lingered in her mind as she scrolled through different couples getting gifts and going on special dates. All the things she yearned for. 

She sent Jean a message that morning and of course, he didn't respond. He read her messages from the previous night, but he never sent a genuine response. It made her heart feel heavy, maybe this was it. Maybe Jean just got tired of waiting around for her and found someone better. 

She shoved her phone into her pocket as she knocked on the door of Sasha's apartment. She looked around as many people exited their apartments. 

"Hey! You made it! We have all kinds of snacks!" Sasha yelled, opening the door so she could come inside. 

(Y/N) smiled and stepped in. The aroma of food filled her nose. "Wow Sasha.. this smells great," she said, taking off her shoes. 

Connie came in from the living room holding a plate. "Hey (Y/N)! Good to see you," he said and waved at her. 

She smiled as she plopped down at the kitchen table, she grabbed a few pieces of candy and tossed them into her mouth. She tried to forget the upsetting thoughts for the night. 

"You want something to eat?" Sasha asked as she came over with a plate of food. 

(Y/N) shook her head. "I'm fine.. thank you Sasha," she replied, looking down at the table. 

Connie came over and set a cup of soda in front of her. "Have something to drink at least," he said and sat next to Sasha. 

She swirled around the soda that bubbled towards the top. "Thanks.." she replied and took a sip of the lemon flavored soda. 

The two started eating and (Y/N) sat there looking at her phone, she silently hoped that Jean would message her back. It had been a few hours since she sent her last message, she felt disappointment going through her veins. She guessed that Jean was ghosting her, it hurt a ton, but there wasn't much she could do. 

"(Y/N)! Connie loved the gift!" Sasha said and wiped her mouth with the napkin. 

She nodded and gave a small smile. "Oh that's cool! I'm glad you liked it," she replied and looked towards Connie. 

He smiled. "Yeah it was dope! It had all my favorite snacks," he said, looking at Sasha with a grin.

(Y/N) felt the heaviness in her heart, she wished someone would look at her the way Connie looked at Sasha. 

"Hey what about that Jean guy you were talking to? I meant to ask," Connie asked and looked at her. 

She laughed a bit. "Uh.. well I don't know what's going on with that. He's been kind of distant lately so I guess he's getting tired of me. It's understandable I guess.." she replied, looking down at the floor. 

They could hear the sorrow in her voice. "I'm sorry (Y/N).. you'll find someone, I know you will." Sasha said.

She shrugged and leaned back in her chair. "I don't know guys.. I feel like after this I just wanna focus on me," she said, taking out her phone.

Connie looked over at her. "Don't say that now.. come on, have some hope." he said and gave a playful smile. 

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I'll try," she replied. 

Sasha and Connie finished up their food and cleaned the dishes, (Y/N) sat on the couch as the movie played on the tv. It was some romantic movie which she didn't even bother to pay attention to, she didn't exactly want to watch one at the moment. 

Sasha appeared in the living room, she had her phone in her hand. "Hey whatcha doing?" she asked, leaning over to look at her phone. 

"Oh nothing, just scrolling through Instagram," (Y/N) replied and clicked her phone off. 

A ping went off as Sasha got a notification, she looked at her phone as a grin displayed on her features making (Y/N) curious. 

"Did Connie send you nudes in the bathroom or something?" she asked and began to laugh.

A blush crept onto Sasha's cheeks. "What!? Absolutely not! You're so gross (Y/N)!" she yelled, hitting her arm. "Let's play a game, I'm bored." she added and stood up.

(Y/N) nodded. "A game? Sasha I'm not twelve.." she said and leaned against the couch. 

Sasha came in with what seemed to be a blindfold. "Come on! It's fun okay? You just have to feel something and guess what it is," she said, crossing her arms. 

"A blindfold? Jeez Sash.. didn't know you and Connie were into blindfolds," she said, starting to laugh. 

Sasha hit her arm playfully. "Shut up! No I'm not into blindfolds.. you're gross! Just come here," she said and waved her over.

(Y/N) stood up and tossed her phone onto the couch. She walked over to Sasha who seemed excited to play, she hoped that this game wouldn't be weird.

"Alright.. let's get started," Sasha said, going behind her to tie the blindfold over her eyes. 

She faintly heard the sound of the front door opening, she was confused as to who came in. Then she remembered Connie went to go throw out the garbage, so she figured it was Connie coming back in. 

"Okay first thing!" Sasha said and held out the item for her to touch. 

(Y/N)'s fingers brushed over the item, it felt cold. It felt like plastic too, was it a box? It felt smooth.

"Is this like.. a box or something?" she asked, looking around with the blindfold on. 

She heard giggles and laughs coming from Connie and Sasha. "Yeah it's a box! Here's the next item," Sasha said.

Her fingers brushed over the soft material, it felt velvety and smooth. It felt like petals from a flower. 

"Are these flowers?" she asked. 

"Damn (Y/N)! You're good at this! Here's the last thing," Connie said, his voice sounding faded. 

She furrowed her brows as she heard whispering and shuffling, she was tempted to remove the blindfold to see if they were playing a prank.

"Okay here," Sasha said. 

She reached out feeling something hard, it felt like.. a chest? Her brows furrowed again as she ran her fingers along it. 

"Sasha is this your chest? Connie is definitely not this muscular," (Y/N) asked, looking around for their voices. 

Sasha giggled. "No it's not me! You can take your blindfold off in a sec," she said, taking out her phone. 

(Y/N) felt nervous as she kept her hands on the person's chest, they felt warm and she could feel their heart racing against her skin. 

"Okay now!" Sasha yelled. 

(Y/N) removed her blindfold, letting her eyes adjust. When she looked up she was faced with the honey eyes of the person she least expected. 

It was Jean.

Her jaw dropped as her hands slapped over her mouth, she couldn't believe it. He held in his hands flowers and a box of chocolate, the flowers being her favorite. Roses. He stood there smiling at her reaction, she looked back seeing Sasha recording and Connie laughing.

"You're real.." (Y/N) said, looking at Jean with wide eyes. 

He smiled. "I'm real," he replied, opening his arms for her. 

She tackled him with a bone crushing hug, his arms wrapping around her waist surrounding her in his embrace. She inhaled his scent and let his warmth engulf her. 

Tears welled in her hues as she put her hands onto his face. "Pinch me please.." she said and laughed a bit. 

Jean chuckled, cupping her cheek. "I don't think you're dreaming," he replied, pulling her closer. 

"This is so cute I feel like a proud mom," Sasha said as she kept recording. 

(Y/N) looked back. "H-How? How did you get him here?" she asked and nodded. 

Connie rubbed the back of his neck. "We actually were both in on it, we paid for his ticket and everything. He's staying at my place actually," he said, smiling at her. 

"Sasha planned the game too," Jean added and looked towards the brunette. 

(Y/N) pulled Sasha into a tight hug. "I literally love you right now," she said as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. 

"Uh (Y/N)! I think you should be the one telling him that," Sasha said, pointing at Jean. 

She came back over to Jean who handed her the flowers. "Someone as beautiful as you are deserves these in person. Happy Valentine's Day beautiful," he said, smiling down at her. 

She laughed as she took the flowers, her heart swelling. "Thank you really.." she replied, pulling him into another hug. 

He put his arms around her, he felt his heart flutter as he felt her touch. "Do you want to..?" 

"Get out of here?" she asked, nodding. 

The two looked back at Sasha and Connie. "Knock yourselves out! Don't have too much fun (Y/N).." Connie said and smirked devilishly.

Heat rushed onto her cheeks. "I'd like to say the same to you both," Jean said, putting his arm around her shoulder. 

Connie and Sasha both turned red. "Okay! Bye Jean and (Y/N)! Have fun!" Sasha said and ran out of the room. 

They both turned to one another, laughs escaping both of their lips. "Let's go," she said, fishing around her pockets for her car keys. 

Jean followed her out of Sasha's apartment building to her car, his hands brushing over her fingers a few times making her cheeks hot. 

Once in the car, she began the drive back to her apartment. She couldn't keep her eyes off Jean, he looked so much better in person. All of his features stood out, his jawline, his hair, and his amazing eyes. 

"You know.. you're 100x more beautiful in person," Jean said, breaking the silence between them. 

She smiled. "Thank you… you're 100x more handsome," she replied and looked over at the passenger side. 

Jean felt his cheeks grow red from her words. "I never thought in a million years I'd meet you this soon," he said and leaned back in his seat. 

She laughed a bit. "I could say the same.. Sasha told me nothing about this," she replied, turning the steering wheel.

A chuckle erupted in his throat. "It was meant to be kept secret. Connie and Sasha both messaged me about it and I was in," he said.

"I thought you were ghosting me at first.. I was so bummed at her house,"

Jean looked over at her. "Oh never.. I'd never ghost you. Connie told me to just put distance so it wouldn't seem weird," he said, brushing his fingers over her arm.

Tingles ran around her body as he touched her. "I should have known something was up," she said and shook her head. "Anyway, we're here." she added, taking off her seatbelt. 

Jean exited the car with her. He followed her up the stairs to her apartment. She opened the door and removed her shoes, Jean stepped in and eyed the room. She kept it clean and organized. 

"Nice place," Jean said and smiled at her. 

She looked back at him. "Oh thank you.. it means a lot," she replied, placing his gifts on the counter. 

The two stood there for a moment just taking in their appearances. She felt her heart racing as Jean stood there eyeing her. 

"So um.. what do you wanna do?" Jean asked, looking down at her. 

She leaned against the wall. "I dunno.. maybe we can watch a movie in bed?" she asked, nodding.

"Sounds like a plan.. I gotta call Connie. He needs to drop my shit off in the morning if I'm sleeping here," he said and took out his phone. 

(Y/N) rocked on her heels. "Sounds good! Um.. I'll be right back, I'm gonna change." she replied and made her way to her room.

Jean texted Connie and within seconds he responded with an 'ok'. He walked towards the room where (Y/N) was, her room was decorated nicely. She knew how to keep it clean. He noticed the familiar sights he used to see on facetime. 

She came from the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt. "Come sit," she said and hopped on her bed. 

Jean felt stiff, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or make any moves that were too quick. 

"So uh… what kind of movie do you wanna watch?" he asked, looking at her nervously. 

"Hmm.. horror?" she replied, looking back at him as she turned on the tv. 

He nodded. "Sounds like a plan," he said and leaned back against the pillows on her bed. 

She put on one of the horror movies and lied down next to him, her hands brushed over his arm veins. She traced lines where his muscles were. Goosebumps littered onto his skin feeling her touch. 

"Don't be so stiff.. you aren't going to hurt me," (Y/N) said leaning up a bit. 

He felt his nerves loosen up at her words. "Sorry.. I just don't wanna come off as a creep," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. 

She giggled, moving his arm so it was now around her waist. "You aren't a creep to me at all," she said, laying her head on his chest. 

Jean's grip on her waist tightened as he brought her body closer to his. He imagined nights like these for so long, his arms around her holding her close so she never slips away. 

She felt so warm next to him. 

As the night went on, (Y/N) felt her eyes become droopy. She started to snooze against his chest, Jean smiled hearing her small snores and the way she twitched. He turned off the lamp and pulled the covers over the two of them. 

-

The next morning Jean was awoken by (Y/N) moving out of his embrace. Her eyes trying to get used to the light that shone into her room, she grabbed her phone, the time reading 10:12 A.M. 

She turned over to look at Jean who was awake. A giggle escaped her lips as she cuddled back into him. 

"I didn't mean to fall asleep," she said and traced his muscles with her fingers. 

He squeezed the flesh of her waist. "Don't worry about it," he replied and lied his chin onto her head. "What do you wanna do today, beautiful?" he asked.

She sighed. "Do you wanna just relax and chill? We don't have to go anywhere," she replied, looking up at him. 

"Sounds fine by me," Jean said, staring up at the ceiling. 

The two lied there for a few minutes before deciding to get dressed and ready for the day, Jean noticed his suitcases were at the front door. (Y/N) told him that Sasha had a spare key so she most likely stopped by while they were asleep. It made him laugh but also a little weirded out. 

They both changed and lied around (Y/N)'s place, they took many photos together and goofed off. She never felt happier than she did in those moments, Jean didn't want to stop touching her. He loved feeling her smooth skin against his, he held her hand or brushed against her arm. Not in a creepy way of course. 

It was around 6:30 in the afternoon, Jean and (Y/N) messed around in her apartment for most of the day. Watching movies, ordering food, taking photos, etc. It had been an amazing day. 

"Hey Jean.." (Y/N) said, reaching up to play with the strands of his hair. 

He looked down at her. "What's up?" he asked. 

She smiled. "Do you wanna go to the pier near my house? We can watch the sunset," she asked, nodding her head. 

His face lit up with excitement. "Hell yes! Let's go right now," he replied. 

The two rushed out of the apartment and went to her car, the sun was going to set pretty soon, so they wanted to get to the pier at a decent time to see it all. 

The car ride was fun, the two blasted music and sang along with the words. 

Eventually, the two arrived at the pier. Many people walked along the sidewalks with each other, the summer air felt nice. Jean held her hand as they made their way up to the dock, some people leaned along the sides talking with one another. 

The sun shined onto their faces, Jean's honey eyes looked like pure gold as the sun passed through them. 

The tide from the waves crashed below them the seagulls flew in the sky or onto the ground. 

"It's so pretty.." (Y/N) said, smiling as she leaned against the railing staring at the setting sun.

Jean admired the sky as it was painted with purples and oranges. "Yeah.. but not as pretty as you are," he said and held her hand in his. 

She looked absolutely stunning to him. The way the sun shined over her skin and the way the wind lightly blew along her hair made his heart swell. 

She was truly the most beautiful girl he ever laid his eyes on. 

"I always imagined coming here with you.. it was my dream date," she said and smiled.

Jean took her hand into his. "Can I ask you something?" he asked. 

She looked up at him. "Of course Jean," she replied and brushed a few strands of hair out of his face. 

He let out a shaky breath. "(Y/N)... I never thought I'd ever get to meet you, but now that I have I realized how amazing you are. You're so beautiful.. don't even get me started on your smile either. You've made today so great and I've been meaning to ask you this question for so long. My feelings for you are strong and I can't imagine my life without you by my side," he said. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

She felt her heart burst at his words, she couldn't deny what she felt for Jean. "Yes! Yes!" she replied, putting her arms around his neck. 

He smiled as he put his arms around her waist. "I love you.." he whispered. 

Her eyes went wide. "I love you too.." she said, leaning into his face and pressing her lips onto his. 

The kiss was passionate, his lips felt smooth and soft. It took her breath away. 

"I promise I'll make you feel like a princess," Jean said and cupped her cheek. "I'll never let you go," he added. 

She felt small tears form into her eyes. "I'll never let you go either," she said and smiled at him.

They stood there for awhile watching as the sun slowly disappeared behind the clouds, the sky painted in bright oranges and dark blues. 

Arriving back home they both rushed up the stairs to her apartment. She unlocked it and pulled him into a heated kiss, the kiss feeling hot.

Jean made his way to the couch, his hands on her hips. "I didn't know you were this good of a kisser.." he whispered, smirking as he kissed her. 

"I guess we're both full of surprises," she replied and put her arms around his neck.

He sat down on the couch, her thighs on either side of his legs. "Wait.." Jean said, breaking the kiss between them. "I need to mention one more thing," he added, looking up at her. 

She nodded. "What's up?" she asked. 

He felt a smile grow onto his lips. "I know I leave in two days but.. I wanted to let you know that I was pricing apartments around here as well as schooling.. and I found out I got accepted," he said. 

Her jaw dropped hearing the news. "What!? No way! You're lying! Does that mean.." she said. 

"I won't be far away anymore my love," he replied, cupping her cheek. "It's gonna take awhile for me to move in, but I should be here by the end of next month." 

She felt excitement coursing through her. "That's great!" she said. 

"I mean it when I say it that I do love you (Y/N).. it's not me saying that to impress you, I truly do." he said, smiling at her. "I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I want a future with you," he added. 

She felt a smile grow onto her cheeks. "I love you too Jean… I want you with me forever," she said, running her fingers along his face. 

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her lips. "Your wish is granted baby," he said and pressed his lips against hers. 

She giggled, leaning down towards him. "What do you say we celebrate?" she asked, smirking. 

He eyed her hungrily. "Oh you wanna be like that huh? Consider it your special Valentine's Day treat," he replied, bringing her body close to his.