#but yeah! they are alters! no idea who is the host or what role each of them has if they have any yet. dunno if I will really think about i

[eryanlainfa]

Learnt about Welcome Home lore litteraly just yesterday... SO HERE IS MY OC!

Their name as a whole is Weekly! They have a dissociative identity disorder, making them multiple identities within a single body.

(Disclaimer : my OC is in no way a good/realistic exemple of DID. This is a fictional fan-character for a fictional story about a fictional show.)

In a universe where the show aired other days than just saturdays- Weekly is a reccuring neighbour who seems to be a different person depending on which day of the week we're in. Always taking after one of the other neighbours (except Wally) they seem to always be assisting one of them.

Each identity refers to the others as if they were all members of the same family, insisting they are all different people with different lives, and calling you crazy if you dare insinuate otherwise.

They all have different relationships with the neighbours, and different preferences and way of thinking. Some of them do share memories with each others but not every identities will remember the same things.

[multiplesillylittleguys]

Get to know us!!

We filled in an entire ask-game template (by @/the-staticc) in case anyone is interested. I'm a real yapper so I figured why not.

-Romi

I: basics

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have?

We have DID most likely, although that's not our diagnosis. More on that in the next question.

----------

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

We aren't sure exactly what we're diagnosed with, but our psychologist knows about us and we have diagnosed dissociation, which technically makes it UDD. We were diagnosed with it when we were 13 or 14.

----------

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it?

We're at about 30 I believe. Some of us are really insecure about having this amount of alters, but we're polyfrag.

----------

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance?

Pretty low. We won't split at everything, what usually happens is we get a fragment who will either disappear eventually or will become an alter when we stress out even more.

----------

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching?

We switch pretty frequently, from what I'm aware of. Amnesia makes it a real chore to remember anything, especially about switching. But I do notice it happen, sometimes.

But yeah, looking at our amnesia, we switch pretty often.

----------

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

We do! We're autistic, and so hyperfixations quickly turn into new splits or fragments forming to be the person.

----------

🩷 - do you have any subsystems?

Yup. Kirill and both like to organize everything, so we divide ourselves into groups to keep everything comprehensible, especially because we're with so many.

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters?

Kirill, Kate, Ziggy and Jayden are the most frequent.

----------

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them?

Vodka is angelkin, so that counts as nonhuman. But for the rest, not really.

----------

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful?

Both, but more medical. We only use community coined roles if they really, really fit someone, but we try to stick to the medical terms.

----------

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

Some of us are really distinct while others aren't, but for the most part we're distinct. But if anyone other than the host (Kirill) is fronting, you won't easily notice because we're covert.

----------

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems?

Not really, no. We're not that nice to each other. But we get along fine.

----------

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

Yeah, we all have pretty different music tastes. Meenah and Lynne like hyperpop, while Ziggy leans into his ethnicity a bit more and listens to a lot of calm Dutch pop/rap music. Kirill likes 2020 alt tiktok music (we never had tiktok lol) and Scott likes punk and metal. We're all pretty different in that regard.

----------

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? (familial, romantic, platonic etc.)

Dennis and James are sourcemates (although one is an OC), and they're happily married at the old (but not old looking) age of 107.

Jayden and Ziggy see each other as siblings or something, but they're not actually family. They just have a sibling dynamic going on.

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience?

No idea. We have amnesia about having amnesia, there's no way to tell. But it's quite a lot if I really try to focus on remembering.

----------

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia?

Yeah, both black out and grey out.

----------

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

We get really foggy and loopy and disoriented, but for the rest we don't notice anything. It's usually a very smooth transition. The way our friends described it is we look like we're daydreaming, and our face muscles tense a little, and then it's over.

----------

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually?

We can switch really quick most of the time, but if we're blurry it takes way longer because everything will feel like a fog.

----------

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’?

Not that much anymore, thank the gods. We used to get frontstuck sometimes, but it really hasn't happened in a while.

----------

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while?

All. The. Time.

----------

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter?

We can't switch 'on command', but if the communication is good that day we can always ask each other. If both alters are willing, it goes pretty smoothly. Otherwise it's just not happening. We can also trigger some of us to the front with music.

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

I think we have it, but I'm not sure. I know there's something and I know it's big, but I can't remember it very well while I'm in the front. But I know we all have houses and there's a town square and such.

----------

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace?

It's pretty difficult when we're in front to see it, but once we're not in front we easily go there. Remembering it is the real challenge.

----------

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go?

Nope, we don't have such a place.

----------

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace?

Yeah, as I said we all have houses (which we built ourselves).

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex?

Big, but I don't think very complex. There are a lot of areas from what I can remember, but no layers or anything except for the underground.

----------

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all?

No, we can all access it.

----------

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there?

We had to build it for the most part, but parts just appeared as well. It used to be just a black void, and now it's a whole damn fantasy world. I think our maladaptive daydreaming played a big part in it's development.

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

Our name is TaskForce 420, and we got it because we had a Call of Duty obsession and Ziggy and Jayden wanted the number to be 420 because they were high when we were discussing this. And the rest just went along with it.

----------

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions?

Not really. Most people just call us Kirill, if we're out as trans to them but not as a system. More often we're just called by the body's deadname, though. We don't like it.

----------

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

Ziggy was complaining in the discord server that we don't have any weed, and Kirill replied with a picture of gorrillas that said "Silence, pothead. An alcoholic is talking."

To which Ziggy replied with a picture saying "Your sad alcoholic name: Your first name + your last name"

(We cope with humor, can you tell?)

----------

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general?

We just get angry and ignore each other usually, we're not very functional. There's always someone who tries to get everyone to talk again and we'll come to some sort of agreement.

----------

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with?

We have a hard time getting along with Maia, but that's just how she is. She doesn't like us, either. Never has. We still kinda care about her, though.

----------

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!)

To our online friends and our partner, and to our ex but he wasn't supposed to know because that didn't go well for us.

----------

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters?

Horrible horrible horrible. We can't communicate for shit. That's why we have a system discord server, so we can at least talk a little. There are some days where we can hear each other, though. It's nice, but overwhelming.

----------

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!)

We have: Punks, goths, metalheads, pagans, satanists, uhh and some more but I can't really remember.

Thanks for reading this whole list lmao I hope you had a fun time getting to know us a bit better.

-Romi

[cardiobirds]

I: basics

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have?

udd or p-did

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

not medically recognized/diagnosed, i don't know if i plan onto

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it?

somewhere between 15-17 i have no idea lmao XD

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance?

high, i think

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching?

being a front-stuck host...very long :(

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

yes! we have fictives, 1 semi-fictive, and 1 songtive

🩷 - do you have any subsystems?

nope

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters?

liv/viktor (the host himself), vik (a fragment co-host of liv), elliot / elijah (a protector), and ethan (a prosecutor)

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them?

yup, an angel, a demon, a voidic-deer being, and like 2 robots

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful?

both? i don't know the difference between medical and community coined roles

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

very distinct lmfao

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems?

no, since we very rarely switch, but with the elijah i play his source song whenever he's co-front/con

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

yeah, can't confirm 100% though

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? (familial, romantic, platonic etc.)

we have an in-sys couple :) they're the best

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience?

i mean, idk if this answers your question, but if you asked me what happened last week i wouldn't be able to answer

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia?

yup

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

from what i experienced, very sudden, and i often don't remember that i even switched until someone tells me

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually?

quiiccckkk

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’?

yup!!!! front-stuck 24/7!!!

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while?

yes, all the time

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter?

nope and yes and nope

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

basically just a big void with, like, portals to other areas

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace?

pretty easily, i think for about a couple of weeks i couldn't access it at all and i couldn't see what was happening

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go?

i assume, since no one can find them if they go dormant

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace?

yup

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex?

i mean, it's a void, so pretty big, and it's not complex since it's just. a void.

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all?

me sometimes :(

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there?

it was kinda just there

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

"the void collective" is ours, because our innerworld is a void, and 2 of us identify as a void otherkin :) also our switching kinda work as a void being filled (like an empty void identity being filled with a void of an identity...if that makes sense)

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions?

the void collective, i just chose it lol

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

"SHE LIKES PIZZA" buddy no need to yell

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general?

dawg i'm the damn host, i can do whatever i want, if someone gets mad then i, the gatekeeper, or the main protector will talk to them

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with?

yeah

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!)

i am online and to some irl friends

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters?

i'd say it vary, i can go weeks without hearing em

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!)

yes, some people have darker or lighter skin

system ask game for traumagenic systems!

reposted due to us deleting our previous sysblog <3

remember that you are free to decline any question if it feels too invasive, this is for fun and you are not forced to answer anything 🤍

I: basics

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have?

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it?

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance?

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching?

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

🩷 - do you have any subsystems?

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters?

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them?

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful?

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems?

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? (familial, romantic, platonic etc.)

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience?

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia?

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually?

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’?

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while?

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter?

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace?

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go?

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace?

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex?

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all?

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there?

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions?

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general?

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with?

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!)

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters?

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!)

[voidstain]

although i do agree that you were pretty aggressive with your original post about parts, i do understand the disgust at the word. for us, if anyone uses parts/personalities on us in a non-metaphorical way*, we feel very... upset. alters is on the line, friends can use them, but we don't like the full term 'alternate personality'. it's... invalidating how some use 'parts' (*- if the headmate in question identifies as a part themself, that's a different question and it's understandable n accepted)

(re: this post)

Great news! I've slept now! Yesterday I was on like 0 sleep and being a bitch. But like, yeah.

It's really up to individual systems and those within the system what their preferences are, overall, but. Honestly, we tend to loathe it if people try to call us "parts." We are each ourselves, not pieces of one whole that was broken into smaller fragments. We have a couple subsystems, and one of them has a headmate that does very explicitly say they are a fragment of their "main" person, but the thing about them is that they also say they grew into themself and are a whole separate person anyway.

Headmates, to us, feels like it recognizes each being in this head as their own proper individual self. We might use "alter" in jokes or with friends, but it implies.... some sort of less-ness, perrsonally.

I'm just. Trying to imagine looking at my twin who has been with me through all my past/kin lives, been with me here since the start, and calling him a "part" of me, like I'm some crystal and he's a shard broken off. Yeah, he's part of me, but in the way that our souls are bound together, similar and yet different and never separate.

We don't do much with the typical.... "Roles" per say. I'm not much of a host, my twin and voice 1 aren't just protectors. A caretaker isn't just a caretaker.

And with the way people treat littles. Even positive and nice posts frame it like "don't be mean! be kind to your little because they're the part of you that's still a kid, treat them nicely for that."

I treat the kids here like kids, you know? But that doesn't mean I'm belitting them or being mean? We all work together to make sure they know that they are so, so loved. We take them seriously. Sometimes the idea that people are brushing off the wants and concerns feels like more of an insight into their view of kids instead (not to say others do this to other kids irl, just that there's a more pervasisve ageism issue and kids are often not treated seriously).

I can't say everyone here is a person in their own right lol, because a couple folk here don't identify as a person at all (one is in fact the incarnation of a sentient city).

But we're all.... ourselves. Even when intertwined with others, each headmate is who they are, and not piecemeal of some whole.

I'll fully admit our associations with the terms are our own, and the way others view themselves can work for them with these terms. It just doesn't for us. And we see these terms everywhere in the "official" information. Overmedicalized, with implications built into the language to encourage becoming "One" person again.

It is a disorder, for many. but the psychiatry field is a mess and wants to make people "normal" instead of helping them where they are.

[welllpthisishappening]

The Couples That We Know

Technically speaking, they’re not supposed to be dating. Each other, at least. 

For Killian Jones, there are plenty of reasons to like working at Pendragon Publishing. Good pay, vaguely acceptable benefits, not-that-bad coffee in the break room. But there are also some things he kind of, sort of...hates. Namely the way dating his co-worker is possibly against the rules, and how that means they can’t go to the annual holiday party. Together, at least. 

So, enlisting the help of their best friends only makes sense. Pretend to date other people, avoid any hint of suspicion, and drink all the wine Pendragon’s party-planning committee can offer them. Perfect plan, really. 

----

Rating: Still teen, still with some kissing Word Count: 6.1K AN: As promised, the onslaught of Christmas fic continues. This one somehow has secret dating and fake dating because I know no trope limits. Also it almost sort of follows the prompt @the-girl-in-the-band-tshirt​​ sent in, which was "we’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past nine years." Attempts to follow the prompt were almost made. 

Also on Ao3 if that’s your Christmas jam. 

----

“You know, for this to work, you’ve got to actually stop staring at her. At least without quite so much palpable longing.” Opening his mouth, Killian has every intention of announcing how little he’s staring, but that would be a rather awful lie and it’s probably wrong to lie at Christmas. Or at least two and a half weeks before. Plus, Mary Margaret’s face makes even the thought of saying whatever he hadn’t entirely come up with impossible. 

“You going to give me detention?” “I’m seriously considering it.” He sighs. Dramatically. Nearly lets his chin slump towards his chest, which would add more than a fair share of melo to that aforementioned drama, and—“You think this is a dumb idea?” Mary Margaret’s eyes widen. 

Her lips practically disappear when she pushes them together that way, and Killian has to bite the side of his tongue so he doesn’t make some sort of teacher-based quip again. He really cannot afford to get sent to detention. Metaphorical, or otherwise. 

“There’s no possible way for me to tell you, again, how dumb this idea is,” Mary Margaret says, and that might be the most scathing string of words he’s ever heard out of her. Telling Emma suddenly becomes something of a necessity, and that’s a problem. 

The crux of their problem, really. 

Eyes flitting up, Killian ignores the wholly out-of-character sound Mary Margaret lets out when his gaze darts across the room and lingers on hair that’s looking shinier than usual, as if it’s trying to distract him and overwhelm him, and both things happening simultaneously is almost too much for his brain to deal with. When he’s had two glasses of wine, already. 

It’s not the best wine, actually. Killian’s not surprised. Pendragon Publishing is not especially well known for its money-spending efforts, and the annual holiday party is no different. Funded by some half-hearted party committee, that is very likely controlled by just one person, that same person does not appear to have an eye for decorating. If the copious amount of mistletoe hanging everywhere is any indication. 

And the whole thing exists to drive Killian insane. Both the mistletoe, and the party. Or so he will argue. When Mary Margaret inevitably points out what a dumb idea this is, again. 

She’s totally going to say it again. 

“It’s going to work,” Killian mutters, but it sounds inherently unenthusiastic, and Mary Margaret’s eyes cannot widen anymore. They’ll fall out. Which will cause a scene, he imagines. 

And they’re trying to avoid that. 

Or, well—avoid breaking the rules, technically. They don’t want to do that. Because Pendragon might host shitty holiday parties, but it’s one of the most well-known agencies in the Tri-State area, and both Killian and Emma like their jobs. They like each other too. 

Deciding to date wasn’t really part of the plan. But she makes him smile, and he considers the ability to make her consistently laugh one of his better talents, and they’re really good at kissing each other. Which is something they’ve been doing for far longer than anyone realizes. Months, actually. With post-work dinners, and weekends spent together, and Killian has started to find it harder and harder to leave her apartment in the morning, because he keeps staying at her apartment all night, and not proclaiming several rather life-altering strings of words is becoming more and more difficult. 

Which brings them right back to the crux of the problem. Pendragon’s holiday party, and its presumably boxed wine, and dating other employees isn’t explicitly mentioned in the employee handbook, but it’s very likely frowned upon and showing up here together wasn’t a feasible option. No matter how much he wanted it to be. 

Showing with other people, though. That made sense. 

It made—sense adjacent. 

“Did I tell you that you look nice?” Tilting her head, Mary Margaret’s gaze turns appraising and she wasn’t particularly pleased about having to take her ring off. It hangs on a chain that’s only occasionally fallen over the front of her dress, and David thought the whole thing was hysterical. 

He sent “Mary Margaret 101” facts to Killian all week. 

“You don’t have to actually woo me,” Mary Margaret counters, but there’s a bit of color on her cheeks that doesn’t have anything to do with the heat in this rented loft. It’s very warm. 

“No woo’ing, just facts. Should that dress look familiar, though?” “Depends on how often you’re rummaging around the back corner of Emma’s closet.” “Not that often, but—” Mary Margaret nods before he can get the rest of the question out, smiling over the top of her glass. Filled nearly to the brim with wine that may actually be capable of eroding paint. It’s so bad. That’s probably not a metaphor for anything. 

“You’ve really got to stop staring, it makes you look like a crazy person,” she adds, and to prove how capable he is of following direction Killian’s does the exact opposite. Back towards his girlfriend, and there wasn’t really a ton of planning before they dove into the deep end of this totally legitimate, absolutely will not blow up in their face plan. 

Will’s arm is slung over Emma’s shoulders. “Can’t clench your jaw like that, either,” Mary Margaret mutters. Keeping the laugh out of her voice is seemingly impossible. 

And rolling his whole head is juvenile, but Killian’s starting to feel a little drunk. Without any of the fun benefits. His head hurts. “Should have come up with a list.” “I could if you want.” “I do not, no.” Mary Margaret’s smile is a hint more honest, that time. It really is a nice dress. “That’s what I figured,” she says, tugging on his tie familiarly. “But you look like you’re going to challenge your own best friend to a duel.” “Swords are a requirement for that, aren’t they?” “Alexander Hamilton.” “Excuse me?” “Dueled with pistols, so—” “—Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays?” Snickering, Mary Margaret bumps her hip with his and there are at least ten unopened texts from David on Killian’s phone. Demanding update for what he was regularly referring to The Great Idiot Romance of 2020 . Although, he never mentioned that in front of Emma. 

Who very likely would have won that duel, should it have occurred. 

“Alright,” Mary Margaret sighs, like she hasn’t already agreed to a whole night of this, “we should probably mingle, if we’re going to make this look legit.” “Say legit again, please.” She sticks her tongue out. 

“Not a very good argument, Ms. Blanchard,” he chuckles, shifting his hand to the small of her back and he supposes he should eat something. To sop up all the wine. Her expression doesn’t change. Might get more scowl-like, if anything. 

And there’s likely no reason for Emma’s neck to twist the way it does, except something else vaguely melodramatic that Killian cannot think about for the next four hours, but she does and he stands up a little straighter. Presumably, at least. Mary Margaret’s reproachful tongue click is very loud. 

But then Emma’s eyes are widening as well, and her lips are slightly twisted and Killian does a God awful job of winking at her. 

He swears he can hear laugh — across the whole loft. Four hours at this stupid thing, max. Then he’s going to make out with his girlfriend. For possibly four hours straight. Which he imagines is a record of some sort. 

“Food,” Mary Margaret declares, fingers back on his tie and she makes him eat four bacon-covered somethings before they leave the table. 

To mingle. As is required by polite society and Mary Margaret Blanchard soon-to-be Nolan, and Killian quickly loses track of the number of people they smile at and the few others they nod in the general direction of, and he really should have been better prepared soon-to-be to evolve into a problem. He’s not. And Aurora’s gasp catches him off guard.  

“Oh,” she cries, hands flying to her cheeks in the middle of a group of editors congregated by the floor-to-ceiling windows, and at least that’s kind of picturesque. “I didn’t know you were engaged, Killian!”

Every one of his muscles tenses. Freezes, making Killian’s ability to stay upright all the more impressive, and it’s nothing except instinct when his gaze practically flies towards Emma. 

Who immediately tugs her lips behind her teeth, Will’s eyes widening to a size that would be comical in any other situation. 

Mary Margaret’s jaw works — trying to find an excuse, or an explanation, but there’s not any of those things and Killian finds himself nodding again. “Yeah, yeah,” he stammers, “that’s, uh—we are totally engaged.”

“Selling it,” Mary Margaret murmurs through clenched teeth, and he considers it an exceptionally large miracle that he doesn’t point that out. She’s not doing a good job of playing her role now, either. 

Aurora doesn’t notice. Another miracle. ‘Tis the season, or whatever. “So,” she presses, “have you set a date or—” Strictly speaking, biology was never one of Killian’s better school subjects, but he’s starting to wonder just how much stress the muscles in his neck can continue to cope with, and he’s all too aware of how much he’s beginning to resemble a bobblehead.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re, uh—” Licking his lips doesn’t help their overall state, floundering under the expectant stare of half a dozen coworkers who are now heavily invested in a wholly fake relationship, and Mary Margaret’s hand threatens to crack several of his knuckles. When she laces her fingers through his. 

“Thinking next winter,” she says, sounding more honest than anything else they’ve told these people. “City’s basically all decorated for us, already, you know?”

Aurora does know, it seems. 

Her nod isn’t as erratic as Killian’s, is far more enthusiastic — complete with wide eyes that practically announce her interest, and the hammering of his heart against his ribcage makes it difficult to hear the footsteps that are moving towards them. 

Will looks far too entertained. 

Emma’s lips are still missing in action. “Couldn’t help but overhear,” Will drawls, and the duel is starting to sound very appealing, “sounds like congratulations are in order.” He’s going to kill him. Killian’s going to let go of Mary Margaret’s impressively tight grip, and he’s going to use both of his hands to strangle his best friend. Or at least ensure that he’s deprived of enough oxygen that he doesn’t continue talking. 

He will enjoy it. Thoroughly. 

Lifting her eyebrows when neither Mary Margaret nor Killian respond to this supposed stranger’s proclamation, Emma’s exhale is inappropriately loud. Rife with guilt, and an emotion Killian can’t quite name because being jealous of her best friend’s engagement to someone else is as absurd as anything they’ve done tonight, but it’s also kind of nice and— “Aurora, this is Will,” Emma introduces, and he’s actually got the gall to smirk in Killian’s direction. Before thrusting his hand forward, smiling a bit more good-naturedly at Aurora, who only looks slightly confused. 

That’s fair. 

All of this is flying off the rails, and Killian briefly considers how much of a scene it would cause if he barreled into the kitchen demanding better alcohol choices. It’s probably not worth it. 

“Nice to meet you,” Aurora says, like an actual human. With normal, human thought processes and presumably fewer holiday-based lies to deal with. “We were just talking about Killian and Mary Margaret’s wedding.”

Blood floods his mouth, and Killian’s only slightly worried about running out of tongue to bite before the night is over. Mary Margaret’s fingers somehow tighten even more, threatening the blood flow to his entire right hand, and Emma is very interested in the state of her shoes. 

“That’s absolutely what it sounded like,” Will grins, “when’s the happy day?” Glaring without making it obvious is actually difficult. Killian widens his eyes, but that only makes the width of Will’s mouth increase — like some literary cat, and Emma’s eyes keep closing for prolonged periods of time. Like at least several seconds. 

“Next winter,” Killian bites out, “we’re getting married next winter.” “Decided on a location, yet? Gotta get that stuff in early from what I’ve heard.” “Have you just?”

Will nods, shoulders shifting ever so slightly. Like he’s trying very hard not to laugh. It’s not entirely working. 

Maybe they should apologize to Aurora. 

“Oh yeah, yeah,” Will says, “wedding industry’s cutthroat like that. Plan months in advance, and even then you might not get your first choice.” “That’s definitely true,” Aurora agrees, and maybe Killian will just topple over. Sit down on the floor and drink an entire box of wine, and he doesn’t think anyone else notices when Emma pinches the bridge of her nose. “When Phillip and I got married, we went through a couple different venues before we found one that worked with our date.” “Sounds hectic,” Killian mumbles. Talking was a mistake. His voice doesn’t even sound like his own, Emma’s gaze snapping up in unspoken warning, and he’s worried he’s using up his miracle supply. So as not to cry out at the overall force of Mary Margaret’s fingers. 

All five of which were apparently blessed with mutant-type strength. 

“Luckily we’ve got that covered,” she says, brightly and only a little disingenuous. 

Emma blinks. “Yeah?” “Yup. Did you know you can get a permit for a Central Park wedding for like fifteen bucks?” “Wow, that’s—that sounds really nice, actually.” “Depends on whether or not it snows, but—” Mary Margaret shrugs, and none of them are lying anymore. Well, at least not quite as blatantly as five seconds before. Will’s smile almost looks legitimate. 

“You’re thinking of an outdoor wedding?” Aurora asks. “In the winter?” Another shrug, hints of color rising on Mary Margaret’s cheeks. “Early December, and we probably won’t be outside for very long. Mostly just the ceremony, and some of the pictures. There’s a certain kind of romanticism to the city in December, isn’t there?” Aurora doesn’t look overly convinced. Killian barely notices — is admittedly very preoccupied with the look on Emma’s face, and how it almost feels a little wistful and maybe just as romantic and not kissing her is somehow a victory and loss all at the same time. 

“You know,” Aurora says slowly, like she’s about to impart a crucial piece of information on them, “if we’re being honest, I am actually surprised this is happening.” One of Killian’s fingers flutters. Where it’s tangled with Mary Margaret’s, and Emma hasn’t blinked in years. Possibly longer. ���Weddings? Or another wonderful event put on by Pendragon?”

“Bet they didn’t try and find this venue that far in advance,” Will mumbles. Emma closes her eyes. That’s like—half a blink, at least. 

Aurora shakes her head, still looking far more serious than the situation requires. “No, no, no, well...you and Emma are always together at work, aren’t you?”

Breathing is a challenge. 

Gritting his teeth less so, the overall tension in Killian’s jaw threatening to do permanent damage. Emma hasn’t opened her eyes yet. 

“We’re friends,” he reasons, and if he were actually engaged to Mary Margaret he’d be almost offended by this whole conversation. 

Lying likely robs him of any right to relationship-based offense, though. 

“Oh no, no, I know,” Aurora says, without sounding entirely honest, “and I’m sure it’ll be a gorgeous wedding. Just—if we had to guess, I think most people at Pendragon would have thought it’d be the two of you.” If nothing else, this night has provided a massive insight into all the facial expressions Mary Margaret is capable of making. At least half a dozen that Killian was previously unaware of, including the current one — a mix of disgust and appropriate scandal, and Killian resists the urge to point out that he and Emma probably couldn’t date, even if they wanted to, which they are, but that’s...that’s beside the point. 

Entirely. Like a different hemisphere from the point.

Aurora gives a tight-lipped smile.

“When did you and—” Will clicks his teeth, effectively redirecting the conversation. “—Phillip, was it?” Aurora hums. “Guessing you two didn’t get married in the winter, did you?” Whatever else she says gets lost in the buzz between Killian’s ears, the overall state of his heart continuing to threaten the structural integrity of his ribs, and Mary Margaret gives his hand several squeezes. To recapture his attention and whatever professionalism he’s barely clinging to, and she’d been right about romanticism. 

Of which he’s clearly bordering on hopeless at this point. 

Emma smiles. 

And Aurora excuses herself eventually — Phillip appearing like an unknowing brunette knight in conversational-armor, all four of them nearly exhaling in tandem. 

“So,” Will says, “scale of one to ten, how much did we suck at that?” “A forty-seven,” Mary Margaret replies, head lolling onto Killian’s shoulder while he finally lets out the scoff that’s been bubbling in the center of his throat.

“Next winter, huh? For real?” She makes a noise that’s presumably some sort of agreement, and Emma’s smile doesn’t waver. “Thinking about it. If Scarlet will double check with Belle about taking pictures in front of the library.” “Public property,” he replies, “don’t have to double check.” “But can we go inside at some point?” Killian asks. 

“Wimping out about temperature already?” “Expressing concerns, like Aurora who is—” “—A wedding genius, apparently,” Emma mutters, and Mary Margaret’s shoulders shake. She still hasn’t touched her wine. Eventually that will prove important. 

“Got a lot of opinions when it comes to other people’s plans, at least.”

“Eh,” Will argues, “did we give her much of a chance to delve into those opinions, or was Killian too busy making eyes at Emma?”

Continuing to open his mouth without actually saying any words is frustrating. For Killian. And the state of his heart, which cannot seem to find a rhythm anymore. Especially when Emma flushes, and threatens to stare a hole into the floor and of the two dresses she owns that are currently making the rounds at this party, the one she’s actually wearing is better. 

Probably because she’s wearing it. 

“I told you,” Mary Margaret grumbles, without any of her previous ability to chastise. She sounds almost amused. 

“Although,” Will adds, “Emma’s not doing much better, so—” Huffing out a breath only serves to flutter the few strands of hair that frame either side of Emma’s face, and that’s only vaguely messing with Killian’s perception of...reality, maybe. “Ok, you do not get to point out my own,” she leans closer, like that will help the volume of her next few words, “fake relationship shortcomings.” “Why not? It’s making all of this endlessly entertaining.” “I’m a better fake date than you,” Mary Margaret says. “You had to use your own wedding plans because you can’t take your ring off.” “That is nice!” People likely don’t turn the way Killian’s brain has already convinced him they do, but every one of Emma’s teeth is visible when she grits them like that and both of their potentially-obvious fake dates look properly ashamed. 

“Sorry,” Will grumbles, while Mary Margaret twists her heel and whispers, “no more wedding talk, I promise.” Emma laughs. That’s—surprising. And it’s not quite the laugh Killian’s also started claiming as his, but that feels almost possessive, and she’s definitely carrying less tension between her shoulders than he is. “I think that ship has sailed,” she says. “Should have thought about your outfit beforehand.” “Killian likes the dress,” Mary Margaret smiles. 

“Yeah, well Killian likes me, so…” Tugging Emma against his side, Will lets out another noise that will only garner them more attention, and people are starting to dance. The party fund could not afford a band. Or a DJ. Or anything more than what sounds like slightly muffled speakers and someone’s Spotify premium account. Killian hopes it’s premium, at least. 

Hearing ads in the middle of this instrumental Christmas music might be the last straw. For his sanity.  

“Well,” Will says, “if Mary Margaret’s going to start planning weddings, then I guess I do have to step my game up. C’mon, Em—let’s show ‘em what we’ve got.”

“And what do we have, exactly?” “Impeccable rhythm, and the lingering knowledge of a Groupon dance class.” “Do people still use Groupon?” Emma challenges, and Killian loves her an absolutely ridiculous amount. For several thousand things, but at this very moment, it’s mostly how her voice causes Will’s eyes to bug again and his tongue to poke between his lips and maybe the whole night isn’t a total disaster. He should tell her he loves her. 

Sooner rather than later. 

“My girlfriend,” Will replies, “who will totally be able to sneak Mary Margaret and David into the New York Public Library to avoid frostbite and ensure very pretty pictures, presumably on that fancy staircase they’ve got.” “Nothing sets the tone for a winter wedding like some casual breaking and entering,” Killian says, barely containing his grunt when Mary Margaret’s foot shifts. On top of his. 

Emma rolls her eyes. 

They’re just playing the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Christmas now. 

“We’d appreciate whatever rules Belle could break for us,” Mary Margaret promises, “and will not mention that she’s the only person still using Groupon. Like, in the world.”

Will’s tongue is going to dry out. “Get on my fake date level, almost-Nolan.” “Shout that louder, please,” Emma groans. “And does the staircase not have a name? Fancy staircase cannot possibly be the acceptable vernacular.” “Probably not, because no one actual uses the word vernacular in actual conversation. Now you’re just trying to show off.” “Sound suspiciously like you’re impressed with my vast vocabulary, Scarlet.”

“Product of your profession.” “Grand, I think,” Killian says, fully prepared for Emma’s slightly parted lips. He will argue he’s prepared, at least. One of his knees does threaten to buckle though, and Will’s current eye-roll rate cannot possibly be healthy. 

“The profession?”

“The staircase.”

“Oh. That’s pretty lame, actually. It doesn’t have like a—staircase sponsor?” “Not that I’m aware of, but the entrance hall is called Astor Hall.” “Similar to the place of the same name?” Will quips. “Or—” “—The guy from the Titanic?” Mary Margaret finishes. “Why do you know about this?”

Killian lifts one shoulder. The one not currently providing rest for Mary Margaret’s head. “I know everything, a good fake-girlfriend would know that.” “And a legitimate girlfriend would dispute that,” Emma says, “plus, the Astors own or have endowed like half of New York. This is not impressive knowledge, and don’t get Mary Margaret talking about Titanic, she’ll start waxing poetic about Leonardo DiCaprio.” “I do have a longstanding crush on Leonardo DiCaprio,” Mary Margaret admits. “If I start quoting things about a real party and point out that Kate Winslet was willing to dance, will that get you guys to move?” Will demands. “Because we’re starting to draw attention and that’s probably not going to help our quest.” “It’s a quest now?” Killian asks. 

“Way more dramatic that way, so yeah.” “Please don’t start quoting Titanic at me,” Emma requests, pulling on the front of Will’s jacket and it’s a testament to their dedication to this ridiculous plan, or quest, that he wore a jacket. No matter how bad a plan it might be. 

Or quest. Whatever, honestly. 

“Alright,” she continues, “show off the lessons, or I’ll make fun of you for the foreseeable future.” Will winks. Not well, but possibly better than Killian is capable of, and he’s going to blame the wine. “Prepare to be absolutely wowed, m’dear.”

Rolling her eyes doesn’t do anything to shift the smile off Emma’s face, although she does look at Killian before she moves and the jealousy clouding his overall sense of being is as antiquated as the music and as absurd as anything else. 

Impressive, considering their overall barometer for absurd. 

“When do you think Aurora got married?” Killian asks, rolling his head towards a sympathetic-looking Mary Margaret. “Spring? June? That’s cliché, right?” “June,” she echoes. “Probably required her dozen bridesmaids to help her hand-make table favors, too. Just to really drive the point home. You want something else to drink?” “Yes, obviously.” Narrowing her eyes slightly when she nods, makes it more difficult to look at her — but that might also have something to do with the amount of alcohol Killian’s already consumed, and he really does appreciate how often Mary Margaret keeps making him eat. Even when it appears everything on this catering menu comes with bacon. “Don’t do that, ok?” he asks, at least two of their allotted four party-hours later. 

She lifts her eyebrows. “Keep texting my fiancé?” “Maybe you are the worse fake date.” “Well, you’re speaking in tongues now, so—” Shrugging, Mary Margaret’s shoulder doesn’t collide with Killian’s, but he’s also starting to feel a little buzzed. And hating bacon. And possibly happiness. On principle. 

Will and Emma keep dancing. Which also keeps them from having to interact with anyone else, but his buzzed-mind doesn’t care, and this whole thing was mostly his idea and that’s starting to really annoy him. 

That might be his base setting at this point.

“Bacon,” Killian clarifies, “don’t allow the national obsession with bacon to affect your food decisions when you—” Footsteps move by them, curious eyes and he’s not a frog, so his blood cannot possibly run cold. Plus, it’s honestly way too warm in this room. “We,” he amends, somehow rushing over two letters, and Mary Margaret noticeably sags against his side. “What was that about this being a dumb idea?” “Ah, getting fired at Christmas-time sucks. How will you buy us all presents, then?” Laughing helps loosen the knot of emotion that’s been growing increasingly tight in Killian’s chest, and the ends of Mary Margaret’s lips quirk up when he kisses the top of her hair. “Bacon is vastly overrated, though,” she adds, “people are obsessed with it.” “It’s weird, right?” “Definitely. Should I apologize for getting you engaged against your will?” Kissing her hair again is easier than responding, because responding might force Killian to contend with a lot of life-type plans he’s only half concocted, and he really should tell Emma he loves her first. Like, more than he realized. 

Until he had to pretend he didn’t. 

“Nah, but you can explain it to David because I don’t want my story to get interrupted when he inevitably starts laughing.” “You wanna dance?” Smirking at her does not have the same effect it has on Emma. And that’s definitely a good thing, but Killian’s drifting towards melancholy and the music isn’t instrumental anymore. Michael Bublé is a Christmas requirement, though. 

He flips his wrist. 

“Sweep you off your feet, Miss Blanchard.” She’s closing in on Will for number of pointed, if not passably amused, eye rolls. Still, Mary Margaret’s hand lands in his, and Emma’s eyes definitely drift towards them — which is as bad as it is good, and Michael Bublé’s version Santa Baby might actually be the worst thing that’s happened to any of them. All night. 

“Not exactly the pinnacle of music, is it?” Killian mumbles, and Mary Margaret hasn’t stepped on his foot. Or pointed out how close they linger to Will and Emma, both of whom look as unenthused by the music choices. 

And maybe it’s because he keeps staring, or possibly because Will is not the asshole he likes to pretend to be, but Killian is not entirely prepared for his friend to spin his fake date closer, or mutter something about cutting in that makes Mary Margaret laugh and Emma’s jaw drop and she steps on his foot. 

It’s the best thing that’s happened to him. All night. 

“We are not good at this,” Emma says, but she doesn’t sound all that upset about it and the buzz between his ears lessens. Turns into something warm and hopeful, and she’s close enough that he can smell her shampoo. 

“Something to be said for effort though, right?” “I’m not sure we’re making much of an effort.”

Nosing at her hair proves her point, but Killian’s—an idiot, and willing to blame romance, and the holiday season, and all the wine. So much. Even more bacon. God, he hates bacon. “Scarlet’s not subtle. And you look incredible.” “Do those sentiments go together?” “No,” Killian answers, “but true all the same.” “Flattery will get you everywhere.” Twirling her away, only to bring her back just as quickly, Killian doesn’t try very hard to avoid the smirk. So, he’s kind of a glutton too. For punishment, and poorly-timed emotions, and there’s a rather obvious glint in Emma’s eyes that leaves him breathless. Plus, she sort of slams back into his chest. “God,” she grumbles, “lacking some grace, huh?” “Eh, we’ll get there.” “Will we just?” He only realizes what he’s said when he notices the way her voice drops — rasped between lips that are redder than usual, and difficult to hear over goddamn Michael Bublé, and he’s totally staring at her lips. Obviously, he’s sure. “Yeah,” Killian nods. “Guaranteed.”

Part of him worries. Suddenly, Immediately. Overwhelming—ly. But Emma doesn’t move, and they’re more swaying than dancing now, and Mary Margaret’s footsteps are rushed. In a dramatic, everything is blowing up sort of way. 

That sucks, admittedly. 

“What are you—” Emma starts, but Mary Margaret just shakes her head. Yanking on Killian’s sleeve, she threatens to rip the fabric and he’s never heard her use any of those words. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she hisses. 

Killian tilts his head. “Be more specific.”

“Lance Sinqua is here. Is he supposed to be here? Why didn't either of you tell me he was going to be here?”

“He works in acquisitions, I think.” “I thought you knew everything,” Emma teases, and he has to bite the other side of his tongue. To stop from kissing her. 

Making out, more like. “I’ve had a lot of wine,” Killian reasons, “Should I be more concerned about why Sinqua being at his own holiday party is a problem?” Swatting at his side with both hands, Mary Margaret all but snarls. Emma looks appropriately surprised. “I know him,” Mary Margaret says, pausing between every word for emphasis. “And he has seen me.” What feels like the weight of several words and half a dozen ridiculous plans and/or quests fall into the pit of Killian’s stomach. Where they immediately crush a variety of internal organs. “Will’s distracting him now,” Mary Margaret explains, “but—he doesn’t know David personally, just that I’ve got a boyfriend—” “—Fiancé,” Emma corrects lightly, but the tone changes again and Killian’s never gone into shock before. He assumes it feels suspiciously like this. 

“I do not care; at all. Just—Killian, you’ve got to come. Now. Like right now.”

Nodding hurts his neck again, but Killian’s legs move on their own and his hand finds Mary Margaret’s and thinking about the look on Emma’s face isn’t healthy. Makes him want to stand on a table, or something equally absurd. Shout several things from several different rooftops, and he wonders if she’ll have to wear a red dress for the wedding. 

The real one, not whatever one he and Mary Margaret are going to lie about.

And to his credit, Will’s attempts to run distraction do look admirable. Moving hands and a nearly legitimate smile, while Lance nods in interest and continued conversation, and Killian squeezes Mary Margaret’s hand. In what he hopes is solidarity. 

“Hey,” Will exhales, as soon as he sees them, “here he is.” Killian’s cheeks ache. “Present and accounted for. You must be Lance, Mary Margaret said you’re old friends.” “Ah, I don’t know about old,” Lance objects, “but certainly the rest of it. I didn’t know she’d be here, would have asked you guys for drinks before or something.”

There’s really no word for the sound Mary Margaret makes at that. Part squeak, and what sounds like an admission, but that says a lot more about Killian’s growing guilt and residual jealousy and—

“How long have you two been engaged?” 

Racking his brain, Killian’s had too much to drink for this. He’s dimly aware of Mary Margaret swaying closer to him, Will’s grimace all but broadcasting how unprepared they are for that particular question, but it also seems like he’s trying to tell Killian something. He does not understand. Fuck boxed wine, quite frankly. 

He opts for honesty. 

Sort of.

It worked for Mary Margaret, after all. 

Sort of. 

“We’ve, uh—” Killian starts, “—been engaged only a couple of weeks, but...we’ve been dating since March.”

Will’s shoulders droop. His eyes turn imploring, but he can’t actually say anything and Lance is, so it absolutely does not matter. “March?” he echoes. “Your friend said it was kind of a whirlwind romance. Got together in the summer.” His mouth does more than open. His jaw drops, nearly to his ankles and shoes that he actually got polished because this party isn’t super important, but Killian wanted to look nice on his fake date and Mary Margaret’s hand is the only reason he doesn’t fall over. 

“Ah,” Killian breathes, “right. That’s—yeah, that’s right.” Lance doesn’t look convinced, either. He should go talk to Aurora. Who keeps glancing at Emma, like she’s got like SONAR. Joke doesn’t even make sense. In Killian’s head. 

“We’ve been celebrating a bunch of different anniversaries,” Mary Margaret cuts in, speaking so quickly it’s as if that lie jumps out of her mouth, does cartwheels and then gets a four from the Russian judge for lack of proper execution. “Y'know...romance, and everything. He’s uh—Killian must be thinking of when we met.” Lance quirks an eyebrow. He might hate Lance. He definitely hates Lance. “You’ve only known each other since March.” “Oh my God,” Will mumbles, scratching behind his ear. And really, that’s not what does it. But it’s certainly a tipping point, or a metaphorical straw, and Killian nods once before he lifts Mary Margaret’s hand to his mouth, mumbles thanks against her knuckles and marches directly towards his actual girlfriend. 

Who is standing directly under the mistletoe. 

It’d be more impressive if she wasn’t, honestly. 

And the music doesn’t stop — although Killian can’t really hear it either, an arm finding Emma’s waist, and her hands landing flat against his chest and someone cheers. Will. It’s definitely Will. Heads turn towards them, surprise coloring more than a few of their co-workers faces, while others look...less so. 

Killian doesn’t bother dwelling on that. He’s got more important things to do. 

“I’m pretty ridiculously in love with you,” he says, Emma’s eyes getting brighter and her lips as distracting as ever. Several of the less-than-surprised faces aww. Audibly. Which doesn’t quite make sense, but he’s still not dwelling and—“Not admitting to dating you is driving me nuts.” “When is your lease up?” “What?” “Were those words confusing in that order?” Emma asks, infusing the question with false confidence that he can hear perfectly and she should have confidence in spades. At least when it comes to this. 

Maybe if they get to keep their jobs. 

“A little,” Killian concedes. “Are you—do you want me to move in with you?” “A ridiculous amount.”

“That’s admittedly not the best adjective I could have used.” “Eh, I won’t get particular with syntax.” “Stop showing off,” Will yells, “and kiss other directly on the mouth!”

There’s a general hum of agreement — even while Lance continues to look a little confused, and Aurora looks a little offended, both of which makes sense because they were fairly awful liars, and someone’s given Arthur a microphone. So the owner of Pendragon Publishing can tell them, “Literally everyone knew, you both suck at not making out in the break room.”

Heat wafts off Emma, climbs up Killian’s neck and takes root in both of his cheeks and Arthur is not done. 

“It’s not encouraged. Intra-office relationships, usually way more trouble than they’re worth, but, well—all you really need to do is sign some paperwork with HR and maybe find some other corners that are less obvious.” Nodding slowly only makes it more obvious the kind of strain all of Killian’s muscles are under, but he can’t come up with a feasible response to that and Emma’s fingers curl. Into his shirt, and he imagines that makes it easier — when she yanks him forward, lips slanting over his and she doesn’t have to push up the way she normally does. Still, Killian’s fairly certain he hears one of her heels pop out of her shoes, and if this is how it feels when a heart beats its way out of a person’s chest, it’s actually fairly comfortable. 

“I love you too,” Emma mumbles, against his mouth. So, the only reasonable response is to kiss her again. Several times over. 

And they do fill out paperwork, eventually — the story of the fake date fiasco, as David comes to call it, perfect fodder for Emma’s maid of honor speech, and proof positive of the inherent romanticism of the city at Christmas. 

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Do you think that if Shredder!Raph will occur in rottmnt, the aftermath might result in Raph inheriting some of Shredder’s rage even after saved? Maybe that is how the crew is going to implement Raph’s trademark temper throughout previous generations and maybe even make him have to step down due to it, making Leo the new leader?

Short answer: “Inheriting the rage of a centuries-old demon" is a dope-ass idea, so if you’re a writer I would definitely encourage you to use that in your own stuff. But I think that if Raph’s temper worsens throughout the show, it should be because of his own character development and not a magical effect. However, a Shredder!Raph scenario could contribute to said worsening temper by inflicting emotional/psychological damage instead. :)

Long answer ahoy!

Looking at “Many Unhappy Returns” from the Shredder’s perspective makes it very clear why he does what he does. Like, he’s been dead for five hundred years, and then something went wrong with his resurrection. He’s waking up with no idea where he is or what’s going on and oh shit those guys are pointing weapons at him, that’s a threat!

Note that he doesn’t even bolt for them immediately, he does a warning stomp and screech (back off!) before starting to approach.

Those other guys are yelling, that’s also a threat,

and they’re closer so he’s gonna attack them first, actually. (None of the Foot wind up even comically injured, suggesting that flailing them around was an intimidation tactic rather than genuine Murderous Intent.)

And then the first group attacks, so of course he’s going to retaliate.

And then suddenly he’s somewhere else, with other threats (the animatronics), and then the first group that attacked him is back, so he’s gonna fight them again.

And these jerks just keep following him? He’s not going to ignore that. And WOW that’s a lot of bright lights and loud noises, which are also threats, what the fuck is going on?!

And then this tiny human girl chucks a giant metal box at him, holy SHIT?! Sure, the Shredder is a dangerous antagonist, but at this point I wouldn’t call him a “bad guy”, he’s literally just responding to what’s happening to him.

In summary, the Shredder was stressed tf out because he didn’t know where he was or what was happening, he retaliated against perceived threats, and quite possibly wouldn’t have attacked the turtles in the first place if they hadn’t just rushed in without understanding the situation.

Gosh, doesn’t that sound familiar?

So yeah, I’m waiting for Rise to give us that good good Shredder!Raph content.

As for the possibility of Leo taking over afterwards... no, but also yes, sort of? On the one hand, we know that Leo does have leadership capabilities, and it would be a waste for the narrative to not explore that. On the other hand, Rise has broken from the status quo in many ways, and it would also be a waste for the show to do a complete 180 and return to Leo Being The Leader™.

Consider how the “leader” role has influenced Leo in past iterations: his perfectionism wears on him and his brothers, any failure tanks his self-esteem, he feels isolated from the rest due to taking on such a large share of responsibility, being an authority figure grinds everyone’s gears, etc. It’s just bad for his mental health.

No doubt all this responsibility will also wear on Rise!Raph as the story progresses and the stakes get higher. It will be bad for him as well. But if Raph steps down, Leo will once again suffer from the weight of this role. So if neither option is quite correct, if neither brother can shoulder the burden of leadership alone, then the solution is just... for neither of them to shoulder the burden of leadership alone. Sure, Raph will probably remain leader in title and in spirit, but Leo taking on a sort of “deputy” role makes sense from a strategic standpoint, and would be good for his character development.

Here’s how I think it could go down:

The Shredder!Raph scenario will be different from the Shredder!Draxum scenario. The Shredder was starved for mystic energy the first time around, so he immediately chewed Draxum up and spit him out. But Raph could be compared more to a battery than a meal; it will take a while for the Shredder to drain him. And at this point the Shredder could be back in “evil samurai” mode, and thus will understand the value of holding Raph hostage.

Y’all who have followed my blog for a bit know about my “Raph is a system” theory; that when he was little, he got separated from his family and pursued by some cryptid hunter. This trauma formed Savage Raph, who is able to handle “being lost/alone/threatened” when Host Raph cannot. “Pizza Puffs” didn’t give us a lot of info about who I’m calling “Red Raph”, but he made his presence known when Host Raph was sort of... "emotionally alone”? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and too stoned to care.

So if Raph is trapped inside a living cage, scared and helpless and hurt and exhausted, his family unable to help him... he’s not going to be able to handle it.

Or, rather, Host Raph isn’t going to be able to handle it.

These two can, though.

I’m imagining a scene in the mindscape where the Shredder says something like “Your pathetic family cannot bear to strike you down, and so there is nothing that can stand in m- wait, why are there three of you OW FUCK-” Red and Savage will mentally kick his ass long enough for the other turtles to rip off a chunk of the armor so Leo can portal it into another dimension or something. Shredder gets K.O.’d since he’s not whole anymore, and the battle is won.

Since the armor didn’t drain Raph as severely as it did Draxum, he won’t become as weak as Draxum did. However, it will still take him some time to recover. Raph trusts Leo in serious moments as of “Many Unhappy Returns”, and he already took charge when Raph wasn’t available back in “Man vs. Sewer”. So Raph will be like, “Hey Leo, can you handle the Mad Dogs for a bit? Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.” And Leo will be like, “Sure bro, I’ve got this.”

He does not, in fact, “got this”. Leo’s ego has caused trouble before (”Shell in a Cell”, “Minotaur Maze”), and being in charge will no doubt go to his head. This has the potential for both comedy and seriousness, leading to wacky mishaps and genuine danger. Being the leader is hard work and it’s not always fun, but someone has to do it and Leo will have to put the others before himself for it to get done. Once Leo realizes this, he could bond with Raph by asking for his advice on leadership. Sometimes Leo will follow the advice and sometimes he won’t, sometimes that will work out and sometimes it won’t, laying the foundation for the idea that there are situations where it will be better for one or the other to lead, rather than having one lead all the time. But that will only happen for a few episodes, because Raph will heal quickly and he’ll be the leader again and everything will be fine!

Everything will not, in fact, be fine. Raph is the strongest in the family, the tank, the one who can take a hit so the smaller ones don’t have to... the idea of being hurt, of being weak, scares him because his family is also in danger if he’s unwell. So I don’t think he’ll acknowledge to anyone, not even himself, that getting possessed hurt him emotionally as well as physically. And when a wound isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t get tended to, and when a wound isn’t tended to, it gets worse.

That he’s a system will add another layer of complexity to this. The Shredder!Raph incident would make all the alters aware of each other via mindscape shenanigans, but it would also leave them with the fear of not being in control, so I think they’ll come in conflict with each other for a bit. They’ll argue with themselves, switch, and lose time more often, enough that it impedes their ability to function and the other characters start to notice something is wrong.

Host Raph will convince himself that Everything Is Fine and try to get things “back to normal”, which probably means he’s just straight-up not going to acknowledge that he's a system. He’ll rationalize that he’s always “gotten weird” from time to time, so it’s nothing to think too hard about... right?

Savage Raph will be on high alert because they just survived a near-death (a near soul-destroying) experience. He’ll probably take the front and go overboard fighting some villains that Host Raph could have ordinarily fought on his own. It might also take a while to convince Savage Raph that these “sewer monsters” who keep following him around really don’t mean him any harm.

Red Raph will get snappy (pardon the pun) about the more social aspect of “not being in control”; that Host Raph asked Leo to be in charge and then Leo started being an egotistical dumbass. And when Leo does make the right decisions, Donnie and Mikey might side with him over Raph, and that will also grind his gears.

Mix all that together and you have a recipe for a capital b Breakdown.

So yeah, I can definitely see how the Shredder!Raph incident and its aftermath would worsen all three of their tempers, trauma will fuck up your emotions real bad. Perhaps Host Raph loses faith in himself and tries to step down and get Leo to replace him as leader... only for Leo to be like “Bro I cannot do this full time I will one hundred percent have my own Breakdown if that happens.”

The life lessons here are that Leo learns to offer support by sometimes taking the leader role; not to benefit his own ego, but because he wants to help Raph. And Raph learns to accept support by letting Leo be in charge sometimes; not because he’s weak or incapable, but because he can’t always be a Staunch Immovable Rock and he needs to let himself rest by trusting Leo.

And then the Raphs can work on communicating, cooperating, letting their allies know about them, digging into their trauma, etc. now that they have some breathing room.

(Do you think the Hidden City has therapists? Steven Universe and Mao Mao both have therapists can we BLEASE get one for Raph.)

[youtuberswithalex]

I’m Not Alone (Part Two)

Part One

Summary: Joan receives a text from Thomas asking them to come over.

Warnings: food, system switches, fear of abandonment (let me know if I missed any!)

Word Count: 1,697

A/N: I am,,, super aware how rushed this chapter seems. Apologies!! I just wanted to get it out before the New Year!!! Thank you all so, so much for reading part one and being so interested!!! It means a lot!!!

-----

New Message from: Tommy Salommy -Joan?

Reply sent: -sup

New Message from: Tommy Salommy -I need to speak with you on a matter regarding my OSDD system. Would you like to meet up for lunch?

Reply sent: -Yeah of course, is everything ok???

New Message from: Tommy Salommy -Everything is fine. I just want to properly explain what we weren’t able to the other day, if you would be comfortable with that.

Reply sent: -thats fine. ill be over in a few

New Message from: Tommy Salommy -Excellent. Drive safe.

-----

The second Thomas opened the door, he held out his hand. “I believe it’s time we had a proper introduction. My name is Logan.”

Joan stumbled and blinked for a moment, but they did their best to recover quickly and shook his hand. “Uh, Joan. Nice to meet you,” they replied.

“Well, technically speaking, we’ve met several times before. However, I do appreciate the pleasantry.” Logan adjusted his glasses and lead them inside.

Wait.

“What’s with the glasses?”

Joan turned the corner in time to watch Logan pull the glasses off of his face and glance them over. “Well, plural dissociative disorders affect more than just… ‘the mind,’ so to speak. It also impacts certain physical aspects of the body,” he explained, “such as our vision. Patton and I, though we do not share the same prescription, share this pair of glasses.”

“Patton?” Joan asked.

“Our Memory Holder. He is also the one to most often take care of Virgil, whom you met the other day,” Logan continued. He put his glasses back on and gestured to the stove. “Would you like some Pesto Gnocchi? I admit that I am not the best cook, but I attempted as well as I could.”

They nodded and came forward, grabbing a plate out of the cabinet as they did. “Is this the Hello Fresh stuff from this week?”

“Indeed.”

The two got their food and moved to the table, and they ate in silence for a moment. Logan had been right about not being the best at cooking—the pasta was a little underdone, and the mushrooms definitely burnt –but at least it was edible. Joan wondered if the wrong prescription glasses had anything to do with it.

“So… What’s your role in the system, again?” they asked.

Logan set his fork down. “I take on the role of Gatekeeper, meaning that I am in control of who is fronting, or controlling the body, and who is allowed into certain areas inside our Inner World. Thomas and I had agreed that I was supposed to be the one to explain everything to you, as I have done the most research out of us all.”

“Oh,” they said, “So you’re the one who let Anxiety be in control the other day?”

His face turned a brilliant shade of red before he shot them a glare. “Well, I did leave someone else in control,” he snapped, “But it seemed he chose to ignore his orders and allow Virgil to be forced into the front. I can’t be there all the time when there are more issues to be addressed.”

Laughing, Joan held up their hands. “Alright, alright! An honest mistake, I get it!”

“It was. Alters are in no way perfect; we’re all just as prone to error as anyone else.” He stabbed a piece of pasta. “Also, it was not my mistake. It was our Protector’s.”

“Okay,” Joan giggled, “I understand.”

“Since we are on the topic, however, I suppose we should discuss what I invited you over for.”

“And that is?”

“Our OSDD.” Logan set his fork down again and adjusted his posture, folding his hands in front of him. “Joan, I—we—Thomas has Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder, Type 1b. There are multiple people living inside of our head. I understand this might come as a disturbance to you, but I can assure you that it is nothing like the movies and media you may have consumed about systems. There is nothing dangerous about us, nor hardly any other system that exists.”

“Media portrayals can be a real bitch,” Joan replied, leaning back in their seat.

Logan raised his eyebrows. “You certainly aren’t wrong about that. If you are… freaked out, so to speak, about this new information, it is… completely understandable, if you do not wish to remain friends.” His voice and shoulders lowered, and his eyes flicked away. “We will not hold it against you.”

That sent a wave of shock and sadness rippling through their stomach.

Joan furrowed their brow, frowning deeply as they looked Logan over. His lips were pressed tight together, and his head tilted down and away. All of his muscles were tensed as if waiting for the worst. Fingernails dug into his hands; breaths were short, yet calculatedly quiet.

It seemed to them that Logan was expecting rejection, but for the life of them, they couldn’t figure out why. They thought they’d always been supportive and clear that they were going to stick by his side no matter what; hell, especially the other day, they’d been extra careful to prove to Anxiety—Virgil? –that they weren’t going to be upset. Had they done something wrong?

Or… Or maybe Thomas had done this song and dance before, and whoever was in their current place had been less than kind. Maybe he’d just gone through some things that caused some trust issues, or—

Oh. Oh.

It was in that moment that they remembered what caused DID and OSDD in the first place.

Severe, persistent childhood trauma.

Trust issues suddenly didn’t seem too wild an idea anymore.

“Logan…”

Joan leaned forward and tilted their head to catch his eye; when he looked up, they reached out and put their hand on his.

“I am not going anywhere,” they firmly stated. “I said it the other day, and I’ll say it again: I’m always here for you. And I mean always. So what if there are more of you than I’d thought? That’s not going to change how much I love you. I’m happy that you trusted me with this information, but I never want you to feel like I’m going to leave any of you behind over this.”

Logan’s lip wobbled, and he quickly bit down on it. They rubbed a circle into his hand and offered a soft smile.

“I love you. All of you. Okay?” they said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. “Thank you.”

The two stared at each other for a moment, soft smiles lingering on each of their faces as they soaked in the moment.

And then, a huge grin nearly split Logan’s face in half.

He yanked his hands away and jumped to his feet, slamming his palms on the table. “Can I give you a hug?!”

Joan flinched a bit, but they recovered as quick as they could. “Uh… Sure?”

Letting out a squeal, he practically flew around the table before flinging his arms around their shoulders the second they stood up. They stumbled from the impact, but wrapped their arms around his waist anyway.

He hummed and buried his face in their shoulder, glasses nearly falling off his face. “We love you, too,” he muttered. “So, so, so much.”

“You’d better,” they teased.

He giggled, and then he sucked in a small gasp. “Oh, yeah! I’m Patton, by the way!”

Joan’s eyes flew wide open. “Oh! Uh… Nice to meet you.”

The two pulled apart, but Patton left his hands on their shoulders, beaming at them for a long moment. Joan couldn’t help but smile back.

Then, he winced and hissed, eyes squeezing shut. He lifted his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Are you okay?” Joan asked.

He groaned and slowly nodded. “Ah… headache… Patton, how many times do I have to tell you not to do that…?”

They frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Patton has the atrocious habit of figuratively ripping control out of the hands of whomever is in the front when he feels any extreme emotions,” he explained. “It always leaves us with a terrible Switch Headache, and yet, he never learns.”

“Do you need Advil or something?” they asked, carefully putting a hand on his shoulder.

Shaking his head, he put his glasses back on, eyes remaining shut. “Pain relievers don’t affect these type of headaches, unfortunately. But I do appreciate the offer,” he replied. “Um… I believe I am still Logan, if there was any confusion.”

He took a slow, deep breath before carefully opening his eyes. Swallowing thickly, Logan glanced at the food and pressed his lips together.

“I suppose we need to finish eating,” he said.

The taste of burnt mushrooms hovered over Joan’s tongue. They shrugged. “I mean… if you’re not up for it, with that headache and all, we can always save it for later,” they suggested. “Wanna watch some Steven Universe?”

“Would you be alright with Jacques Cousteau, instead? I personally am not quite a fan of bright cartoons in general, and especially not when I have a headache.”

Joan nodded. “That makes sense. What’s Jacques Cousteau?”

Logan’s eyes lit up—they weren’t quite as bubbly as Patton’s, or as giddy as Thomas’s, but they sparkled in their own, unique manner. “Oh, it’s this wonderful documentary series from the 1970’s about marine biodiversity. Jacques Cousteau, the host, was a French film maker and marine explorer that had an extreme determination to teach…”

As Logan began to ramble on, he moved to lead them to the couch. Joan couldn’t help a fondness seep through their veins. He wasn’t Thomas. He wasn’t Patton. He wasn’t Virgil. He was his own person, one that Joan was going to get to know and learn about all over again.

Thomas and his system had to have gone through a lot to get to where they were now. Joan could only imagine what kind of pain, and shattering, and growth that he’d lived through. Their heart broke at the thought, but they couldn’t stop themselves from feeling proud of how far they’d come.

And they were going to be there for the rest of the journey.

[gnohomaswitness]

Party Game  Idea: Linux Administration Tea Time

You and a bunch of other people all connect to a single server or network of linux machines and have specific roles that you have to fill. There’s a sysadmin with sudo access or access to root who has to manage users and assign permissions to files, give sudo access where appropriate,etc. There’s bunch of developers who have to take care of repositories and software patching for the system/network. Devs also have to make scripts as requested by other departments. The sysadmin may choose to delegate user administration to other trusted users (sort of the HR) but must set the permissions just right to make sure they cant compromise the host with their authority. There is also a Technical support / security team who has to monitor logs and status pages for system issues or errors as well as suspicious activity on the system. The tech support team must keep the system 

There will be a cron job that runs on an hour long timer where a random user is selected as being the bad actor who is trying to escalate privileges and pwn the system (may have to be a lot longer than an hour actually, might as well have it be an event that occurs whenever the bad actor is logged out. You’d need all the time you can get and youre more likely to be noticed the more persistent and hasty you act (weird brute forcing, enumeration, attempts to access forbidden files), yeah on second thought, make it whenever the bad actor gets locked out). Sysadmin and security cannot be bad actors. (You could make it Sysadmin only but if security stops monitoring logs or telling the sysadmin about whats going on then it would be a dead giveaway and if they lie about it it just establishes in the meta that the sysadmin is basically doing security’s job thus making security pointless. sysadmin and security must be on the same side at all times.). Nobody can alter the cronjob except the root user, thus if a bad actor gets far enough to edit the cron table then they have already won.

Security has to monitor for things like suspicious behavior through the logs. They can also ask HR to turn up the heat and start making the system more restrictive to the point where all users have to go to tech support for anything outside the established policies. Any user who is locked out must be unlocked by Security or HR or sysadmin unless they team believes the user who got locked out was the bad actor. If the user was the bad actor, a new one is selected. The former bad actor (or locked user) must start up an entirely new account. HR hears from sysadmin what the newly created user will be doing and take that into consideration when determining settings that may differ from the default directives. HR can also decide what goes in the /etc/skel/ directory and if the new user’s home folder should be different.

Users may be locked out if they let their passwords expire and don’t reset it in time or if they get manually locked by an admin for suspicious/malicious activity. Security may request that HR tighten user security or make passwords expire quicker (bad actor may try to phish/keylog/reverse shell other users in order to escalate privilege.). HR or Tech support/security may also implement quotas on users to limit their disk/resource usage. Things like this will pinch down the bad actor to the point where they basically have to do their actual job. The drawback to this is it will lead to lower efficiency and you have a goal to reach. (idk what the goal is yet)

The bad actor may use social engineering, exploit misconfiguration or any other method to gain access to the root account. Perhaps they come up with a BS reason why they need access to something that expands their attack surface. If the sysadmin or security think they can trust the user, then they can give them what they want. The secret is that they should NEVER trust the user. They should carefully consider what the user should have access to and make sure they know what they are giving them access to. There are utilities that can search for misconfigurations. There are no rules regarding what the bad actor is allowed to do. There are always ways to exploit the host and always ways to defend it. No matter how severe the damages caused by the bad actor are, Sysadmin and security let it happen. As long as there is a way to fix it then sysadmin has to do it (backups or raid might be implemented by technical support or sysadmin). sysadmin must go to the physical host if they have to, or they must grant another user with the privileges to do it (if the system is not able to run, someone will have to use a live usb to chroot into the inactive system, the sysadmin better be super sure that the person they send is not the bad actor. (single user mode or live usb will run as root, thus if the bad actor does this then they win))

I’m learning so many amazing things while I do this cert. Advanced User Management, permissions, module loading, access control lists, single sign-on, email, directives, skeleton directories, user quotas, etc. Idk when Im gonna use some of this stuff to practice, I dont have much use for some of the cooler things. Hmm unless I automated the shit out of my network and had users for each script doing just what they have to do and nothing more. But then there’s no bad actor.

I hope...

[greens-spilled-tea]

Honestly for us it was reading the phrase "the host is just another alter" that made something click for us. Of course the host is simply another alter in a DID system, and "host" is simply the name of a role like protector or persecutor or gatekeeper or caretaker is. Our then-host started stepping back from micromanaging everyone else and started to exercise "trust", first by being in co-con (but not co-fronting) with whoever was fronting and NOT doing what we call "backseat driving the body", and then later by not being aware of what was happening in front and learning to sit with that discomfort and be okay with it. Well, all that and also helping him and our persecutory parts actually trust each other and genuinely want to work together, but he knocked that one out of the park by simply being open to listen to their grievances against him and the rest of the system and making them actually feel heard by taking steps to address said grievances.

So in that way that also meant we as a system had to learn how to trust him as well, and also take efforts to work together as a team instead of self-sabotaging. Our system was incredibly dysfunctional when we first realized we were a system, so I'm not surprised that it took a group effort for us to really dismantle that "host godking" status and eventually completely remove the idea of a "host" altogether. Working together also naturally led to an increased sharing of our memories with each other and realizing that different alters have actually been MUCH more involved in our shared life than we had previously known to the point that calling the host the "alter who fronts the most frequently" likely didn't even match the alter we called our "host", as he maybe only fronted a grand total of 25% of our adult life and the rest of the time was shared between our persecutor, gatekeeper, "ex-host", various littles, and many different fragments who tend to front in groups to take care of hyper-specific scenarios. Realizing that none of us actually used the body that much more than each other also really helped us further agree to get rid of "host" as a role from our system altogether, though I think that was more of a side-effect of already working towards that goal.

Anyways I got really rambly. Tl;dr it took a lot of conscious effort to work together and trust each other on all of our parts but the catalyst was realizing the host is just another alter and therefore no more important than all the other alters in our system.

(And yeah I'm speaking from the perspective of someone with polyfragmented DID, I'd be curious if there's any way this may be adaptable or if anything can be taken from this for non-DID systems)

Discussion question: if it applies to you, what does it look like for you to break free of 'host godking' culture? What steps do you take to make sure everyone is more or less satisfied? Is there anything you want to do differently to this end?

[elizas-writing]

When Wish Fulfillment Fantasies Meet Reality: A Re-Examination of Twilight

 **CW/TW: The following piece discusses dating violence with brief mentions to sexual assault and self-harm.**

This year, the last Fifty Shades movie finally came and went, and as its popularity slowly morphs into a bad memory for pop culture, I’m thinking again about the fiction’s effect on reality, particularly wish fulfillment fantasies, self-insert stories, etc etc.

This train of thought began with the Twilight series after watching Lindsay Ellis’s video essay, “Dear Stephenie Meyer,” where she revisits the hatred surrounding said franchise. While it’s definitely not without serious flaws, Twilight was not really as bad as people made it out to be. And most of the criticism was solely about millions of young girls and their moms liking a thing because, what a shock, our society tends to hate anything feminine. I was definitely one of those teenage girls who wanted nothing to do with Twilight, surprising no one probably. Even though I had enough plot summary from friends to pick up the actual problems of the story, I just had fun hating it for the sake of hating it and disassociating with anything feminine because I was neck-deep in my weeaboo phase.

Cut to about seven years later, I took a Vampires in Pop Culture class and Twilight (the first of the series) was on the reading list. With a more mature mind, I sat down, read it, and yeah, it really was not as bad as I thought. Yes, Bella’s too one-dimensional, Edward’s still pretty creepy, and the dialogue and prose is at best, ridiculous and at worst, stale. It knows its target audience is tweens and reads as such, which unfortunately doesn’t grip me as an adult. I gave up at the baseball scene cause I was ready to gouge my eyes out if I read one more description of the weather. And give credit where it’s due, the side characters have way more fascinating stories than Bella or Edward, and it’s a shame Meyer didn’t take a chance to further expand them instead. I couldn’t find much to be angry about with the first book, and I was honestly more bored than anything. But I also cannot deny the wish fulfillment fantasy driving the narrative which drew in a large audience all those years ago.

And wish fulfillment is fine. Self-insert is fine. Teenage girls are just figuring out what confidence is, and there is some reassurance in a fantasy where the totally out-of-league man of your dreams still finds you the most fascinating human being in the world and wants to give you all his undivided attention. Not every female lead needs to be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. I still see people write self-insert fanfictions from time to time, and they’re very sweet and tender to imagine being loved by a favorite character. We actually consume these stories more than we like to admit.

Hell, one of my favorite guilty pleasure films is The Princess Diaries. In many ways, it hits the same notes as Twilight. It’s a pure wish fulfillment fantasy where the main girl is smart, but clumsy and awkward and just wants to be invisible. Yet she finds herself on a whirlwind journey of self-discovery where others find value in her, and she even falls in love with a boy who adores her regardless of how she perceives herself. Yet The Princess Diaries is such a popular chick flick among people my age. So why is something like The Princess Diaries fondly remembered as an integral part of a millenial/Gen Z childhood while Twilight is met with disdain and disgust?

The major differences boil down to the main female protagonists: Mia and Bella. While not an overly complex character, Mia has, well, a personality. Her journey is more personal of overcoming her social anxiety and realizing how much she can contribute to the world as a public figure if she just takes the leap of faith. Getting a romance in the end is just icing on the cake when she remembers who was there for her even when she was the awkward nerd and will love her regardless of appearance or social status. It’s cheesy and hokey as chick flicks do, but it’s a satisfying wish fulfillment fantasy where the protagonist is better off than where she started and what she was looking for was right there all along.

With Bella, I barely know who she is outside of her romantic interests. Sure, the books go into more detail of her intelligence and social anxiety, but it’s never seen in film. Her life completely revolves around her relationships to the point of obsession, but we never almost see what she’s like when not caught up in the supernatural love triangle. And unfortunately, it’s a problem which worsens with each sequel. The Twilight franchise frames romance as something Bella can’t live without to the point of shutting herself in for months when the Cullens leave in New Moon, refusing to talk to her friends and family, and getting night terrors. It’s intended to make you feel sorry for Bella, but her backwards priorities make her completely pathetic on how much of her life she misses because of some boy who didn’t hesitate to cut her from his life, and she was totally fine with him leaving if he didn’t turn her into a vampire.

Prioritizing unrequited love over your own well being is such an unhealthy idea to romanticize because there is far more to life than some dumb boy who won’t return your feelings. I saw my fair share of unsatisfying romances in young adulthood hanging on by a thread for some idealized love that’s never going to happen. Even though a break up is the simplest and most effective solution for both people to take care of themselves, they continue wasting their time being unhappy with each other and latching on to the rose-tinted view of how they first fell in love. I know some people don’t like the idea that you have to love yourself before someone else, but there’s still truth to the saying where you have to understand that being in a romantic relationship will not automatically fix all your problems and guarantee a happily ever after.

Aside from getting married and having a baby which almost kills her during pregnancy, Bella doesn’t grow as a character or develop any personality, and she just gets her happy ending anyway. The Volturi hint that Bella is special because she’s unaffected by vampire powers, but that detail is shuffled to the sidelines to get more of Jacob and Edward butting heads on who she’ll choose. Most of the story’s events are outside her control and she doesn’t explore further into what they mean about her being special, and even her turning into a vampire-- not even of her own volition, but as a last ditch attempt to save her while dying in childbirth-- doesn’t change that much about her except now she’s immortal and she can bang Edward without getting knocked unconscious again.

I know Twilight is commercial romantic fiction meant to go in one ear and out the other, but it’s still such a damn waste of great lore and  build up with no pay off. And Bella is such a bore of a protagonist to follow the entire time even for a blank slate who is meant to be easily identifiable for teenage readers. Again, not every female character needs to wield a sword or be flawless at everything they do, but having an engaging arc is the simplest bare minimum when writing your story’s protagonist. But that got lost in drawn out weather descriptions and, of course, the unhealthiest romances in fiction.

In a 2013 interview with TIME about her book, The Host, Meyer says she never thinks much about if her protagonists are good role models because “it’s fiction... I don’t think you should be using fictional characters as role models.” To that, I strongly disagree and am rather surprised to hear from Meyer given the great battles of Team Edward vs Team Jacob as each of the films released in theaters. Granted, this is an old interview, and I don’t know how much her opinion changed, but it still irks me.

Whether you like to admit it or not-- especially on the wonderful world of Tumblr.com--, fiction affects our reality. It alters our perception on politics, race, gender, lifestyles, and yes, even romance. Especially as kids and teenagers, we can’t help but find role models to base our ever-changing identities on and look up to so we can be better people for ourselves and society. It’s the reason why so many people define themselves on what Hogwarts house they’re in, why Disney milks Star Wars as long as they can, and why black communities arranged trips for everyone to see Black Panther. And unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to say Twilight is completely harmless in how it portrays the romances.

Just type in any search engine about abusive relationships in Twilight, and you get millions upon millions of analyses on how Edward and Jacob check off as abusers. They’re controlling, aggressive, easy to become jealous, and lacking any notion of personal boundaries. However, one abuser often forgotten in this conversation is Bella, who is such a despicable, emotional manipulator.

Remember how ridiculously depressed she gets in New Moon when Edward leaves? Well, she starts seeing visions of Edward checking in on her whenever she seems to be in danger. And she gets the bright idea to keep purposefully doing so-- including hanging out with shady gang members, crashing a motorcycle and jumping off a cliff-- just to get his attention and hopefully coax him to return to Forks. I’m surprised she didn’t just straight up say “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” because it’s such textbook gaslighting. And when Edward is led to believe Bella died, then he attempts suicide! And she’s seriously surprised he would given how much needless self-harm she did over the months? What else did you think was going to happen?! I can’t even laugh at some of the badness of New Moon because Bella’s toxic behavior leaves such a sour taste in my mouth. Her severe romantic dependency went from being a damsel-in-distress to an abusive, emotionally manipulative screwball. And that’s just scraping the tip of the iceberg, folks.

Upon actually watching all the films for the first time, Edward’s behavior isn’t nearly as bad as my first perceptions when I was in middle school, but his possessiveness and lack of personal space are still incredibly uncomfortable. I know we all wrote that fanfiction where person A gets saved by person B from attempted gang rape, but Edward is so overbearingly and exhaustively protective, and it just gets worse in the sequels up until Bella’s finally transformed into a vampire. It is to the point where he hardly trusts Bella to do anything by herself knowing how massive of a klutz she is, and will pop into her home without permission, warning or respect of her personal space. As such, she never grows independence, much less learn how to protect herself or be prepared when supernatural forces come for her while the Cullens leave.

Edward may have good intentions to think of Bella’s safety with the context of other vampires mercilessly killing humans in Washington state, but he’s also on a slippery slope of controlling nearly every aspect of her life, especially when she might start feeling romantic for someone else, because guess what dude? You left for over half a year. This continuing behavior throughout the series heavily contributes to Bella’s unhealthy dependency on a romantic partner to the point where she feels like she can’t live without them. Granted, that doesn’t excuse her emotional manipulation, but because she never learns self-defense on the off chance no one else is there to save her, it’s no wonder why she has severe issues with separation and loneliness. Like I said before, you can’t have a healthy romantic relationship if you think it’s going to automatically fix all your problems. Your romantic partner isn’t your therapist or coping mechanism, especially if you can’t handle a simple break up or if said partner wasn’t even that great to begin with.

You’d think Jacob would be off the hook since he at least doesn’t watch Bella while she’s sleeping, but he’s not escaping unscathed. Despite how the series tries to explain what imprinting is, it’s glanced over so quickly on the now creepy relationship between Jacob and Bella’s daughter, even all things considered for a rapidly growing vampire child. He also has a ton of aggressive tendencies as part of the werewolf gene to the point where he will inevitably hurt Bella-- as illustrated with another pack member’s live-in girlfriend who has scars across her face--, and has zero respect for consent as he forcibly kisses her on multiple occasions. Yeah, cause painting your Native American characters-- and only prominent characters of color-- as inevitable, aggressive predators sure is good representation and definitely not some awful racial stereotype. Jacob embodies the most basic descriptors of toxic masculinity between his sense of entitlement that Bella should choose him over Edward and the “boys will be boys” mentality as though Jacob is completely incapable of any self-control, werewolf or not. Given the recent news surrounding Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination and his defenders claiming “what boy hasn’t done this” and that he shouldn’t be punished for his actions as a young man, Jacob’s character is one of the most dangerous aspects of the series to be romanticized as a wish fulfillment fantasy. He’s not only based on gross racial stereotypes, but also on harmful patriarchal ideas of men thinking they’re entitled to women without any consideration to their autonomy. Normalizing this behavior as attractive qualities in a partner allows men to run from their actions without consequence.

And this toxic masculinity only heightened when Fifty Shades of Grey entered the spotlight for pop culture to bash, but had much more legitimate criticisms to garner hatred.

Fifty Shades of Grey changes up the wish fulfillment fantasy where instead of a vampire, the clumsy and awkward female lead, Anastasia Steele, is swept away by billionaire, Christian Grey, who’s happy to spoil her with grand luxuries but has a troubled past which makes it difficult for him to love. Oh, and he’s into BDSM and writes up a questionable contract for Anastasia on all the kinky shit he wants to do. And Anastasia is so sweet and innocent she doesn’t even know what an anal plug is (like, it’s right there in the name, sweetheart. You can’t be this dumb). As you do, things go wrong, they take a break, Christian dumps his tragic anime backstory on Anastasia as a pathetic excuse to apologize, people from his past show up because reasons, and they eventually live happily ever after, married with a baby on the way.

Not only does Christian hit the same abuser red flags as Edward, Jacob and Bella on top of being the worst dom in history, but the series passes off that anyone can be fixed with the power of love. Once again, your romantic partner isn’t your therapist. Trauma may explain his behavior, but that doesn’t excuse what he put Anastasia through, and neither is it suddenly her job to fix him. And abusers like Christian are never reformed so easily with love; more often than not, they use it as leverage to manipulate and keep the relationship going for the sake of control. Sure, it sounds hot to be in a BDSM relationship with a billionaire ready to spoil you, but do the ends really justify the means of that sweet wish fulfillment? Is it really that great of a fantasy to play your partner’s therapist and humor their extreme control and possessiveness to the point where you’re almost not allowed to be an individual?

It’s one thing to have guilty pleasures and wish fulfillment fantasies. But after a while, you wonder what it is about a certain piece of media which makes it a guilty pleasure. It’s one thing if Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are guilty pleasures in some of the enjoyably bad writing, unnatural dialogue or squandered potential. But upholding these romances as ideal and disregarding all the blatant warning signs of abusive relationships? That’s where we really need to take a step back and wonder why this is remotely okay to normalize, especially for impressionable teenage girls. Even though I was mostly amused by the films’ bad writing and these poor actors pushing through for their paychecks, there was also a fair amount of content which was too uncomfortable to laugh at-- Bella’s emotional manipulation, the portrayal of werewolves, and the unsubtle anti-abortion message in Breaking Dawn: Part 1 just to name a few. It’s baffling how these properties became cultural phenomenons for their “romances of the century” when most of these character really need couples’ counseling.

Thankfully, these franchises didn’t made too lasting impressions and for the most part are forgotten. Stephenie Meyer quietly retired to continue taking care of her kids, and EL James just kinda disappeared from the media spotlight since the last film released. Maybe Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey aren’t the worst series to happen to mainstream media, but they still heavily reflect a society which to this day hesitates to call dating violence what it is. Where finding love in another takes priority over self-care. Where people still struggle to define abuse because “if that’s abuse, then everyone I know has been abused.” Where despite sexual assault survivors’ testimonies, polygraph tests, supporters, and grueling mental exhaustion to tell their stories, their abusers roam free without consequence and are still allowed power with their nasty holier-than-thou attitudes to silence anyone who dares question their character.

We’re slowly getting better in these kind of fantasies for teens with films like Love, Simon and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before with genuinely health romances where the characters have to confront their flaws and grow. We’re a lot more critical of relationship dynamics in film than we were over a decade ago, especially with #MeToo in the last year. But part of me is still worried if we’ll have another trend like Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey where it’s blindly defended because it’s fiction and disregard when people romanticize the severely problematic elements which don’t guarantee happily-ever-afters for couples’ in reality. As the possibility of reverting to pre-Roe vs. Wade days becomes more of a likelihood, at what point do we finally acknowledge that a simple fantasy isn’t automatically above criticism?

If you enjoyed this analysis and what I do here, consider buying me a ko-fi to show your support!

[aurimeanswind]

Back to Business—Sunday Chats 8-19-18

Okay. So Sunday Chats. How do I do this again? Oh yeah. Writing and whatnot.

Let’s get Started.

The Business Update

So as I’m sure you can tell, if you tuned into Irrational Passions Podcast two nights ago, follow IP on Twitter, or just see the silly shit I do on social media, I’ve been really busy. Sunday Chats has taken that hit, and as I don’t write everyday anymore nor am I writing every Sunday, it’s likely there is no reality I can do these on a weekly basis like I used to. Still, I’d like to work in at least once a month, which is what I have been doing. I know that’s not the pace I was setting back in the heyday of writing everyday, but I’d say I’m generally less stressed and the writing I produce is generally better than it was towards the end of me writing every day. Meaning maybe I made the right choice by decided to put a nice end cap to that journey? Maybe not.

I’ve been far more in a managing role since then, and the thing I do the most now is the thing I love to do the most, host and guest host on podcasts! My podcast output has been up about 300% the last couple months I feel, and that makes me super happy. It’s what I love to do. And with a ton of new shows coming to IP, I’m happy to be a part of them.

So let’s get the update out there. Here are some things we are doing/launching with Irrational Passions that I’m excited about, and I think you should be too!

Irrational Passions Podcast is now on Spotify! So is Input: A Video Games News Show, so if you’re a podcast listener on Spotify, I’ve got great news for you! Get Acquainted should be up there soon too!

Input has officially changed its format to focus on one news story per episode on a more intimate basis. There is still room for more traditionally formatted episodes, but episodes may be coming out faster and more frequently per week, with more focus on single stories and topics. I’m really excited about this change. Give it a listen!

Irrational Passions Presents is a new audio feed coming to podcast services around the globe, that will be home to Article Reads, one off interviews, and maybe other cool little stuff. I’m excited for the possibility it brings, and am stoked to have that out there!

Irrational Passions Video Game Book Club is a new monthly show coming TOMORROW. It launches Monday August 20th with the first part of Batman Arkham Asylum. Each game we will be splitting into three checkpoints, and discussing with varying groups of Irrational Passions members. Scott White has been spearheading and editing this show, and he has done a phenomenal job with it. Shoutout to Scott!

Podcast Ultimate, our Super Smash Bros Ultimate Podcast hosted by Mike Burgess, CONTINUES next week, with episode two all about the recent Smash Direct. We talked for about two and a half hours and it was a blast. Give that a listen on YouTube, which is still currently the only space it is and will be available. Working on possible other options in the near future.

PAX West 2018 is coming up, and much like PAX East 2018, we are coming in FULL FORCE.

I’ll be there, alongside Scott White, Logan Wilkinson and Mike Burgess.

We’ll be rooming with the fine folks from OKBeast.com, and we’ll be doing a crossover podcast with them LIVE on Twitch and YouTube on Friday, August 31st, at 9pm Pacific Daylight Time.

I’ll also be representing Irrational Passions at the Kinda Funny Interwebsite Peer Schneider Cup Tournament or whatever its called in the Hydra Theatre on Saturday September 1st at 7pm PDT. Come see me! Support me! Or just say hi! I am absolutely going to lose, but I’m going to try my best!

So a lot of this is the culmination of things we’ve been working on for a while. The Book Club especially we’ve been working on since February. Everyone is hard at work and CRUSHING it, in addition to the reviews, podcasts, and opinion pieces we will continue to put out. Jurge called this the “IP Direct” on Twitter because this is our Nintendo-direct level of announcements. We’ve been working hard and will continue to do so going forward, and while that may mean we can’t sit and chat EVERY Sunday, I still plan on making time for all of you once a month at least.

A big part of that, as some folks may have seen, is I’ll be soliciting questions for Sunday Chats on Saturdays now. So it’s the same deal outside of that, look for my tweet that has the hashtag #SundayChats in it, just look for it on Saturdays now. It gives me time to get things done and organized a bit easier and faster, and cuts less into my day off now, which will hopefully streamline the process.

That all being said, I’m going to skip game talk this time and go right into...

Questions!

Let’s get to it.

Whoa boy a lot to unpack here. I’ll go one at a time now.

Selfie Saturday has officially become Selfie Sundays. Sorry for the lack of warning all, but selfies aren’t going away anytime soon.

Am I concerned? No. Not after this last direct. You’ll hear me talk about it on this next Podcast Ultimate but for me the new Smash Bros would not be “ultimate” if there wasn’t a story mode in it. And there appears to be one, going off this recent teaser in the direct. I know it’s dumb, but as someone who predominantly plays Smash by himself, it’s honestly super important to me to have that. I think that’ll be new and I think that’ll be really exciting too!

I think as a game they will likely hope to update and support for a while to come, coming out two years into the Switch’s life and I think the Switch will be around for a while to come, that they are just teeing this up to have tons of stuff either in expansions and DLC later, and have as much in the base as it can. Smash fans I think want all the stuff from the previous games, and I think there are plenty of quality of life things that make this new as well. Like, the Wii U game was so good, but missed those QoL improvements that really stopped it from being great. Plus, it was on a platform that no one had. Now everyone has a Switch, and anyone can stop and say “let’s play Smash” and have folk break out the Switch to play Smash at any event or whatever. That’s a big deal. It’s kind of what they wanted the 3DS game to be, but even that version of the game was neutered compared to it’s same-release Wii U counterpart. Now it’s the best of both worlds, it’s a loving culmination of Smash itself and everything that’s made Smash great up until this point, and I’m crazy stoked for it.

So the Filip stuff is tricky. I haven’t really talked about it too much publicly, but the more comes out about it the more upset I get. To be perfectly honest? Yeah. I’m really pissed about it. But me getting angry helps literally no one. I took English and Journalism class super seriously, going through what little college I did. And I’m sure someone like Greg Miller would say the same being someone who went through actual journalistic training, for more than me, plagiarism is super fucked. And Filip built a career on it.

It makes me lose faith in the system of getting hired at a place like IGN. It helps reinforce those things you hear about folk that are hired out that they are just picking from a very specific pool that meet a specific vision for that place. And that hurts me. Because I would like to think and hope the quality of my work and my worth ETHIC above all and anything else, having done all I have done on a weekly basis for almost a decade would be enough. But clearly it isn’t.

But I’d rather not harp on too much about it. I do believe in good karma, and what goes around comes around, and so I will continue to push my positivity out into the world, and hope it does something good for me.

No, I cannot ride a bike. I know it’s crazy, and I know Jacob Bryant has trouble believing it.

The day I decided was the last day I’d try and learn how to ride a bike was the summer when I was maybe six or seven. At the house I grew up in there was this hill near the opening of our drive way. I took the training wheels of my Bike and went to the top of the hill. I said “this is the day. Make or break,” and I got my legs up on the Bike. I was either going to ride down that hill and keep riding, or fail and fall over and give up on riding a Bike for the rest of my life.

I pulled my legs up and....

Well, I immediately fell to the right and scraped up my knee and leg. I didn't even make it down the hill a little bit. I started quietly crying to myself, because I was like, six, took my Bike, put it in the garage, and went inside to play video games.

That was the last time I ever rode a bike.

Listen, so many folks have been coming to me saying how Video Game Book Club took inspiration from their show or whatever JON. One, it wasn’t even my idea. I did have the idea to split each game into three checkpoints.

But my MAIN INSPIRATION for the show was actually Rebel FM’s book club. The only one I heard them do was Dead Space 2, a phenomenal game. I know a lot of video game book clubs exist though, and for example Mike’s big inspiration for his ideas in the club was the GameInformer Book Club. Basically, no one is original.

I have a ton of stuff on Audible that I need to finish listening to. I do not read at all, because I’m awful, so I just listen to books. A couple I really adored and finished earlier this year were the King Killer Chronicles books. The first two in the trilogy are out, and hopefully the third will come out sometime ever in my life. They’re by Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind and A Wise Man’s Fear. Super good. Amazing world building and a huge focus on currency, which I really liked.

I really want to finish Ready Player One, I got about two thirds into it and really liked it. I also grabbed Altered Carbon, the Dark Tower 1, and You’re Never Weird on the Internet, Felicia Day’s autobiography. Those are the ones on my shelf right now.

I’ve been following some of the Tweets. I love it. I’m also going through them again with the Three Best Friends Podcast folks in a Limited Run series they’re doing, featuring: me! All about Kingdom Hearts. The first two episodes should be out now, and they’re crazy fun.

Of those three, I think Birth By Sleep is the clear winner, and it’s really because it is the only “complete game” out of the three. What I mean is there isn’t kind of, revisiting or rehashing in it. 358/2 and Chain of Memories both rely so heavily on the Kingdom Hearts 1 worlds, especially Chain of Memories, while introducing their own stories that are both very good I think, Chain of Memories being the far, far, far better one for me personally, but the repetition in both still hurts it so much.

Birth By Sleep has the issue of revisiting its OWN bullshit like seven times in that game as you play through all three stories, and that sucks, but at least it isn’t something you’ve seen in a Kingdom Hearts game before. While I think the systems in BBS are rough around the edges, later to be better realized in a KH3D or even Kingdom Hearts 3 itself, the character work in that game makes it special. Terra/Ven/Aqua is a story you are AS invested in, if not more so, than the original Sora/Riku/Kairi story. And so it is this very intimate story for fans of the series I think.

That and playing it is just the best. Especially on PS4 where I recently played it. It just feels better with twin stick controls. It’s crazy grind-y if you’re trying to do everything, sure, but all the games are in their own way in that regard.

It’s funny how mechanically KH3D is the best of the handheld attempts at side stories, but it muddles the story the most. It’s a double edged sword, where they kept going until they got it right, and in a way they did irreparable damage to the story along the way because of it.

I really don’t know. I know it’s dumb and little but I’d really love to hit 1000 subscribers on YouTube. Super inspired by the work the OKBeast folks have done with their channel, and basically Mike Burgess has single-handedly turned our YouTube output up a notch. But not just him, he has got Jurge doing video reviews too, and with Scott White’s video talents finally being shown in Book Club, they’re got me inspired to get more work up there again too. It helps especially knowing it’s not just me.

But the big long team goal is outside fo 2018, which is to go to E3 as a team in 2019. That’s the big goal.

Downloading it to my Xbox One now. Hit me up. We’ll play.

That’s the end. That’s it. That’s all she wrote. And by she I mean me, in this case. I’m excited about the future of IP, I’m excited about the stuff we are doing, that I am doing, and while it’s a ton of work and a lot of stress, it’s the stuff I live for. It’s very rewarding hugely in part to the team that is doing it and how we are working together. Stick with us, and I promise we won’t let you down. Please god hopefully, at least.

Do me a favor until then.

keep it real.

[citrus-system]

I don’t really consider myself host anymore. I think right now we’re stable enough to divvy up the front load. But I digress-

How long have you been host? Are you aware of the previous host?

I hosted for about 5 years, two of which were during a very quiet era & front stuck. Yeah, I was always really close with the previous host, these questions seem to migrate towards the myth that host = primary childhood alter or “core”, me and our last host were aware of eachother, just too young and ignorant to understand we were more than just imaginary friends.

Do you identify with the body?

I make the body identify with me, lmao, we were pretty early in our transition when I became host, so aside from the tits I’d say so.

How long have you known you’re not alone?

I’d say since we were 6. I don’t have any memories of childhood, but according to Lee (ex-host) I was around & a comfort to him. Though it wasn’t until our diagnosis that I was able to come to terms with our DID and really get into it and the other parts.

Do you have access to the inner world? Do you have a buddy in the system?

Yeah, our inner world isn’t elaborate so it’s not too difficult. I also don’t think our inner world functions how other’s do. When someone isn’t conscious we essentially just take a nap, the only time someone is in the living room is if they’re co-con I think. And yeah, we’re all pretty good buddies, aside from Lee I get along with Krow the best.

Is there an alter in the system that doesn’t like you?

Used to be, Bones was a large antagonist during the bulk of my hosting year, and was a large part of my denial years. The idea of me healing meant all of us healing, which was something he wasn’t ready for and resented me for.

Did your parents* ever suspect of you being a system? If yes, when?

Nah. Wtf are those lmao

Is being a host difficult to you? What’s your favorite and least favorite part of hosting?

Oh yeah, I didn’t host because I was fit for it or anything, purely situational that I took over the burdens. I am very prone to total burn out, the only thing I’ve got going for me is my love for manual labor & my headmates. I’d say my favorite part is achieving what we have so far, and knowing my survival was a large part of that. My least is the burn out obvi, at this point if I front for too long I basically counter it by going ghost for days lmao

Do you have the same appearance in the inner world? If you’re out as a system, can people recognize you?

Yes and no. Like I said, I tailored the body to me because I hosted for so long. I’m a bit taller and have a cock and balls internally. My bsf is the only one who IRL knows we’re a system. He is very aware of when we switch and can pick up pretty easily on who’s fronting, but to everyone else, even close friends; no.

What’s the funniest interaction you had with someone in your system? Is there someone you wish you could communicate more with?

There’s a lot, we are shitpost supreme up here. Me and Krow argue over which bong to visualize & accidentally call each other daddy too casually (joke gone too far, RIP). I think we all collectively wish to interact with Tadpole more, she’s mainly an EP so we only see her during bad times.

Do you think you’re doing a good job as host? Is there someone you’d give the role to?

I can look back and say uhhhh…. 7/10. I got us a “good” paying job, stable hours, a functioning car and a place to call our own. I had my downs like any other person but ultimately we survived and are doing better. I can at least give myself credit for that. And nah not really, I hope we never get bad enough to have to have a set host. Shit happens, I get it, but being a sole fronter is exhausting and I don’t wish that upon any of my headmates.

To the previous host:

ILY Lee, ride or die

To the next host:

Uhhhhh good luck charlie, just don’t loose the binder full of important shit. We made it for a reason. Also look at the syskids’ Pinterest, that shit gives me butterflies

Rigel made this post!

[musicvideoprojectakamuka]

Music Video

Ideas

Originally for this project I was planning on lip syncing a song but then I found out that it wasn’t allowed because of copyright laws, so I was really lost on what to do. I considered contacting a dancing group to dance cover a song, but I just couldn’t see it with out a few lip syncing. 

I also contacted a grime group but things didn’t work out between me and them so I had to find something else.

So after a lot of thought I decided to go with one of funniest songs I know, Moustache from ‘A million ways to die in the West’.

I love this catch song, filled with moments that make you just want to dance. Also the light hearted nature of it makes even more enjoyable to listen to.

Before I get into this project let me tell you about the music I listen to and what I like to see in a music video.

Music and visual taste:

I literally listen to anything that sounds good, doesn’t matter if I understand it or not, as long as it is “music to my ears” then I will play it, and if it happens to have a good video with then that’s a bonus.

A genre in particular that never fails to disappoint with their music video is k-pop. I love me some k-pop. The genre is based on songs that have a choreography to it which makes it easy and perfect to sync, but the visual effects and concepts they come up with is just crazy and so inspiring.

Take Idol  by BTS.

There are so many creative concepts that inspire me not just musically but visually in general.

The over the top outfits complimented by the over the top art style goes so well, there is much colour and you could see all of it, on the left side its more warm, but towards the right its cooler.

More vivid colours and patterns, creating a frame for the singer who is also dressed in a colourful fashion.

This shot in particular caught my attention when I saw it, its so in your face and loud you’d want to go back and replay it.

Another music video I looked at was also from BTS called Mic Drop

There are couple of great shots and synchronization in this music video.

When the beat drops the clinch their fists and explosion goes of behind them... SO AWESOME.

But this shot/technique is what I love the most, having the background slow mo while the foreground is moving at normal speed. So everything in the blue outline is slow mo’d and the solo singer is moving and dancing at real time.

Another music video that adapted that technique was also from a k-pop group called TWICE.

https://youtu.be/V2hlQkVJZhE?t=123

They must’ve filmed the background singers separately and the main singer, the one that will play at normal speed on a green screen, then keyed her and composited her into the footage.

I really want to adapt this technique into my work.

The final k-pop video I would like to mention is Exid: ah yeah

https://youtu.be/egqDPipqIAg?t=104

What I like about this is that they have split personality/alter egos to help get their narrative across.

Synchronization:

What makes music videos so powerful is the syncing of the music and the visuals, this could be done either through a visual effect technique, clever editing or physical movement.   

The following are example starting of at the syncing part 

https://youtu.be/V2hlQkVJZhE?t=184

The dancing is so in sync with the music that even the little “dundun” the dancer shakes her thigh, also the cinematographer also played a huge part in the sync zooming in and out, and the editor changing the setting while maintaining the dance’s continuity.

https://youtu.be/9_k_goMr5ZI?t=136

This one is more subtle but I love it, when the rapper says “life styyyyyyyle” the camera pans for the duration of “yyyyyyyyle” giving it a very nice sync feel.

https://youtu.be/6ONRf7h3Mdk?t=289

I could write a whole essay on Sicko Mode, how the variation of the vfx styles match the variation of flows on the song. But lets talk about the specific syncing example, the jagged flips are so sudden and quick they match the beat perfectly, but they’re so subtle yet so obvious, but it syncs to the beat so we just accept it with out really thinking about it.  

Cartoon Music videos:

Everything I’ve spoken about up till now was to do with live action, I would’ve implemented some of these techniques into my project but I decided to go down the motion graphics side. 

I really like this because of the simplicity of the art style and the retro look which reminds you of an old game. There is little movement in it but it doesn’t feel like a flat image because the elements are animated which gives it more life.

https://youtu.be/oHKVS-vphXA

This one is dear to me because its from my favourite anime, ‘Gintama’, the first half of it is very artistic with simple animations with little movement, but its done in such a tasteful way, they added shadow drops to the characters to make them stand out and I really like. The second half is your standard anime animation.

This one is a beast, the animators really out did themselves, on the contrary to the previous cartoon videos I mentioned, this one is full of movement and effects. This really shows that the only diffrenece between this and an live action music video is that these are cartoons, but other than that it really does feel like a music video.

https://youtu.be/rQvIR1oL1vE

Bojack horseman opening is also very simplistic but it gave me the idea to use simple cartoon 3D using maya’s toon shaders.

Moustache Music Video:

I decided that it was only suitable to have a moustache lead singer for this song.

But I had to decide what style of moustache, an audition if you will. 

In the end I decided to go with this, I like how detailed it looks but it could still fit a light hearted role.

The vibe I was going for is to give him human features since he’s performing, so I gave him legs which are basically stick legs, I’ve tried adding a guitar and hands but it didn’t look good at all.

But that hat worked out well, I kind of animated it in an overly cartoony way which I think fits the theme and the vibe of the song.

In this song I kind of decided to take a satire political approach by getting two moustache-less gentlemen and placing moustaches on them to give them “looks” and “dash”.

Hitler and Stalin moustaches.

The borders for the portraits is made of from smaller moustaches aligned a rectangular border. I thought it would give it more flavour instead of just having a plain rectangular border.

To add to this scene I added the moustache dancing along to give the feel that the moustache is dancing around the video environment and acting almost like a host.

Character animation:

This was my first time trying to animate a character, so I don’t really know how to optimise and use my time efficiently, so I ended up duplicating a lot of the layers, and some of the layers were animated frame by frame.

But then I figured out the time remapping expression which allows you to loop animations and that really came in hand.

Also in order to give the moustache a bit more life I used the puppet tool on some of the animations to give it a bit of a dynamic wind blow.

3D Toon:

I decided to make some sort of sign and I wanted it to look 3D, orginally I attempted doing it in after effects using roto, but then I figured I would just use maya toon shader.

I made two versions of each light sign, lighting one and skipping one. This gives the illusion of animation.

There were some problem as you imagine using the toon shader for the first time, for example some of the outline over lined, some lights bugged out and didn’t display their textures.

But the outline was great it really was the cherry on top for the toon effect.

I also used the toon shader on a piano to place on the stage since I felt it was sort of empty.

3D no toon

3D with toon.

Another thing I did to make things not seem so bland is give the sign a wood texture in after effects just to give it more character.

Evaluation:

Overall I didn’t optimise my time for this project and kind of did the whole thing in a week and a half. But am half impressed with my results, but theres so much more that could be improved. For example adding more animations and doing more of the song. However I am really pleased with the toon shading turn out and I will defiantly try play around with it more, same thing with the puppet tool.

I didn’t have time towards the end so I reused the animations at the beginning, I was planning on adding some other characters alongside the moustache, like a scissor playing the piano and a comb dancing on the side.

I might also look into more basic character animation just for fun, because it is enjoyable to see the results.

[nuclearheart]

[Modern reincarnated Anakin with DID masterpost!

This is entirely optional. If you’re not comfortable with it or would just prefer to write with non-multiple Anakin, I’m perfectly happy to do that, no questions asked.

First off: why give Anakin DID? I first started thinking about it when I realised I missed Vader in this verse. I love me some Vader. Making him one of Anakin’s alternate personalities wasn’t a big leap from there. I mean, he canonically has a tendency to dissociate as a coping mechanism to deal with guilt, regret, and feelings of weakness or inadequacy. His whole “I’m not Anakin Skywalker anymore” thing is dissociation. He obviously doesn’t have the full-blown disorder, but since that mental process is there, I think he very easily could. Also, DID is p much universally caused by childhood trauma. In this verse, just being Anakin Skywalker reincarnated is pretty traumatic, and as a child he was abused by his mother’s boyfriend as well.

Some important terminology:

alter: alternate personality, as opposed to host.

co-conscious: when multiple alters are awake and aware of each other. Co-consciousness is generally a good thing, as it lets alters keep an eye on each other, facilitates system communication, and minimises memory gaps.

to front or to be out: to control the body.

host, sometimes called core: the original birth personality, as opposed to alter.

system: host and alters; the whole fam. For instance, if you ever need to clarify that you’re talking about aaaall of Anakin and not just Anakin the one personality, you could say, “Anakin’s system.” It’s often evident from context though.

Some important clarifications:

He's one person fragmented into several personalities. Don’t feel the need to use plural pronouns all the time or anything.

It takes him a looong time to understand the extent of his DID. He thinks he just has memory blackouts, and he doesn’t realise that the occasional voices in his head are abnormal.

Anakin himself basically never remembers what his alters have said or done while in control of the body. If you bring up something Vader said, Anakin will either only have secondhand knowledge of it because Vader told him about it, or, more likely, just have no idea what you’re talking about.

His case is actually very mild. He doesn’t have many alters and only one of them poses much of a problem. Please don’t take this as minimising the suffering of real people with DID. I watched a friend go through it and it can be absolutely hellish.

So yeah, here’s the current lineup in the order of who’s out most. Subject to change and updates, and I might add more alters later as Anakin and I discover them.

ANAKIN

Host. Doesn’t remember much of his trauma. Almost never co-conscious when one of his alters is fronting. He’s rather more chill than Canonakin because a lot of his negative memories and emotions are compartmentalised into alters—e.g., he doesn’t have a huge anger problem, because the Burning Man feels his anger for him.

Random fact: he smokes and Vader hates him for it.

VADER

Often co-conscious when Anakin is out. Twenty years older than Anakin. He has severe asthma and wheezes constantly. Anakin can usually tell when he’s been out, because he “wakes up” with a sore throat.

Vader’s kind of a weird cross between a protector alter and a persecutor. He’s ashamed of sharing a body with a bunch of pathetic weaklings, and he lets them know it. However, that also means he comes out to take care of business when the system feels threatened, upset, or vulnerable. He’s mostly just stoic and standoffish, but he will be violent in self-defence.

Forever denying that he's an alter. He thinks of himself as the host. Don’t call him Anakin or he will be royally ticked off.

THE MOTHER

Communicator, caretaker, system manager. Partially but not entirely a projection of Anakin’s own mother. She’s rather stricter and fussier than Shmi and doesn’t take anybody’s nonsense. Perpetually Tired™.

Anakin says “shouldn’t” a lot in canon, because he actually has a quite strong moral code, he just disregards it. I’ve said before that the difference between him and Luke is that Luke sees a line and stops before he crosses it, while Anakin also sees the line, says to himself “I really shouldn’t cross this line,” and then just blows right through that shiz. So in this verse, that “shouldn’t” voice, the part of himself that tries and fails to keep the rest in line, splits off into an alter and actually has rather more success. Anakin has a lot of respect for mothers—which, of course, is exactly why his subconscious made her one.

She's aware that she's an alter, and has been ever since she came into being. She takes her role of looking after Anakin very seriously and is almost always co-conscious with him, giving him solid advice in the back of his mind. You’d have to know them pretty well to be able to tell when she’s out as opposed to Anakin, because she’s quite content to respond to his name and carry on where he left off. She has a distinctive head-tilt, though, and if you ever hear something shockingly sensible come out of Anakin’s mouth, it’s probably her speaking.

THE BURNING MAN (or THE SOLDIER)

This is the Problem I mentioned earlier. He’s a fragment, not a full-blown alter, who came into being while Anakin was in the military and carries his combat trauma, as well as (past life) memories of Mustafar. All he feels is anger, but he’s more of a danger to himself than to anyone else. He has this constant itchy burning sensation all over his skin and he often draws blood trying to scratch it away. He’s non-verbal, even mentally, and therefore completely uncommunicative with the rest of the system. It’s only Padmé’s input that lets them know he even exists.

When he comes out, it’s almost always in the night or early morning, because his nightmares wake him up before the rest of the system. It’s not uncommon to hear him pacing around in the wee hours.

THE SLAVE

Seven years old, female. First alter. She carries Anakin’s childhood abuse trauma and (past life) slave memories. For a few years Anakin thought she was just a friend of his, before he realised she’s in his head.

She’s very retiring and reserved and doesn’t front much at all anymore. When she does, it’s never for very long before Vader comes charging in to shut her back up safe in their mind.

In the inner world she looks something like this.

Most of Anakin’s alters can sort of pass as him, albeit him in a very weird mood (and, in Vader’s case, with a cold). The Slave cannot. She speaks and carries herself like a seven-year-old girl, and in the body of a twenty-some-year-old man she’s quite clearly an alternate personality. Her fronting at an awkward time was what got Anakin medically discharged from the Air Force.

There you go! As I said, I will certainly tweak this post in the future as Anakin and I figure out what’s going on.]

[yahooben]

'Mass Effect: Andromeda' review: A sprawling space drama that struggles to stay on target

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ invites you to strap in for another space opera.

“Space is big,” beloved author and interdimensional traveler Douglass Adams noted in his seminal towel-seller, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” “You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big,” he wrote, hammering home the point that when it comes to bigness, even our new president has nothing on the universe.

That size presents quite a challenge to game makers, but few have hacked away at the quandary with as much gusto as developer Bioware. The team behind the blockbuster “Mass Effect” trilogy managed to capture the epic scope of the big unknown while keeping our eyes trained on the intimate interactions between characters, a space opera in its truest — and, in terms of video games, among its best — form. So when they announced a return to their beautifully realized universe with “Mass Effect: Andromeda” ($60 for Xbox One, PS4, PC), we all got very excited indeed.

But a great deal has happened since 2012’s “Mass Effect 3” simultaneously wowed and enraged gamers; namely, “The Witcher 3,” “Fallout 4,” Bioware’s own “Dragon Age: Inquisition” and a host of other genre-blending RPGs (you could arguably toss recent greats “Horizon: Zero Dawn” and “The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild” into that mix, too). Big-budget role-playing games have blossomed in the past five years.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ has the makings of a great game, but misses the mark with a number of missteps.

And unfortunately, “Mass Effect: Andromeda” picked up some unwelcome visitors on its long journey to your gaming machine. Though it has some stellar moments, “Andromeda” tries to cram too many ideas into one package, turning its obsession with the bigness of space into a crutch for uncharacteristically shoddy workmanship.

The (next) final frontier

To answer your most obvious question: no, you do not need to have played the prior “Mass Effect” games to understand what the hell is happening here. “Andromeda” tells a self-contained story featuring entirely new characters, planets and star systems, though references to elements from the original trilogy (the Citadel, the Geth, Spectre, etc.) do occasionally pop up.

The game is set roughly 600 years after the events of the original trilogy. Just as things were heating up in the Milky Way (around the “Mass Effect 2” timeframe), several giant Ark ships were launched towards the faraway heart of the Andromeda galaxy. Snuggled in cryo beds and dreaming of a new life, the adventurous souls aboard these vessels were hoping to discover habitable new worlds and plant some flags.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ sees you exploring the Andromeda galaxy for a new home. But – spoiler alert – things go very wrong.

Naturally, things go sideways. You play as either Scott or Sara Ryder, a twin thrust into the role of ‘Pathfinder’ and tasked with guiding a ragtag group of aliens in a quest to find a new home. It’s all pretty standard sci-fi stuff — a bite of “Star Trek,” a nibble of “Battlestar” — but Bioware crafts a well-told tale that rises above its derivative vibe to keep you, um, engaged throughout.

Mostly, that’s done though a tweaked version of the branching narrative structure Bioware is known for. Conversation options have expanded beyond the binary Paragon/Renegade of prior games, adding flexibility and giving you a bit more agency over your particular Ryder. Despite some nasty bad guys and extremely high stakes, it’s also significantly more lighthearted than the trilogy’s dour doomsday scenario. Regardless of how you play Ryder, he (or she) is quick to joke and seems intent on keeping the joy of discovery intact.

The dialogue system isn’t as thrilling as it used to be, however. Other franchises have taken the cue and built branching narratives with greater emotional value. “The Witcher 3,” “Life is Strange” — heck, the entire Telltale Games catalog (whose Season 1 of “The Walking Dead” bested “Mass Effect 3” in most 2012 Game of the Year Awards) have pushed the envelope of branching narrative design, making each choice feel impactful. Though your tone changes based on your responses in “Andromeda,” Ryder’s playful, at time snarky attitude takes some of the gravitas out of the decision-making. You rarely break a sweat.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ dialogue system lacks the kind of gravitas that makes games like ‘The Witcher 3’ so addictive and powerful.

Still, developing relationships, opening/closing paths, trying to get busy with a blue lady — it’s all here, and thanks to an interesting story, likable characters and great voicework by both male and female Ryders, “Andromeda” does a convincing job of turning you into Captain Kirk.

A downright uncanny job, you might say.

Valley of the Dolls

Unless you’ve been avoiding the internet for the last week, you’ve likely caught wind that gamers are, to put it mildly, displeased with the “Andromeda’s” animations, particularly its facial close-ups. And, well, yeah, the facial animations aren’t great. The game doesn’t just glide over the uncanny valley, it builds a big space house and moves right in.

I typically don’t put too much stock in this; plenty of outstanding games are kind of ugly up close (I’m looking into your lifeless eyes, “Fallout 4”). What makes it so rough here is the amount of time you spend staring at close-ups. A good third of the game is spent chatting with people and developing relationships, but when they look like broken robots, it breaks the spell. About halfway through the game, my Ryder inexplicably developed two wicked lazy eyes that lasted for a good 10 hours.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ human characters look like dead-eyed androids.

Perhaps the increased power of modern consoles/PCs (I played on PS4) is the culprit — as the theory goes, the closer you get to reality, the deeper the valley. But as ugly as it gets for humankind, the power leads to some amazing aliens. The brutish, dinosaur-like Krogans have never looked better, and jittery eyes and smooth skin give the amphibious Salerians incredible life. I relished every chance to chat with non-humans, both to bask in Bioware’s great work and as a respite from the mannequin onslaught.

This sort of uneven delivery extends to the rest of the game’s graphics. The art design is triumphant – Issac Asimov would commend the look and feel of the game’s colorful terrain, sweeping interstellar views and massive starships – but technical glitches abound. Flickering textures are common, load times are excessive and occasional pop-in mars the stunning planetside vistas. These sorts of glitches aren’t game-breaking, but they speak to a project struggling to bear its own weight.

Humans might not look good in ‘Mass Effect: Andromeda,’ but the aliens are gorgeous.

Galaxy quest

And make no mistake: “Andromeda’s” scope is massive.

Much of the game takes place on explorable planets that are significantly bigger than the regions found in “Dragon Age: Inquisition.” You can spend hours scouring the nooks and crannies of each location from the comfort of your Nomad rover. And as you find ways to make life more hospitable, the areas open up even further.  

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’s’ worlds are vast and beautiful.

A star map gives you free reign to explore the Heleus cluster of the Andromeda galaxy. You can only land on and explore a handful of planets, but you rarely feel hemmed in, and the desire to build outposts pushes you to approach Andromeda like a real pioneer. It’s a good hook.

But this goal is quickly buried beneath a ridiculous number of less essential Things to Do. Some are classic “Mass Effect” – your shipmates have needs, and if you want to unlock their highest-level abilities or get them into bed (perv), you’ll need to attend to those — but you pick up other, seemingly unwanted side quests with alarming ease.

Checking in on an outpost? Be careful who you talk to, because apparently every single life form in the galaxy is incapable of handling their own business. Even if they don’t have a gigantic exclamation point on their head, they’ll probably ask you to shuttle something somewhere or look into a mild, pointless drama. And you’ll feel pressed to track down every one, because you never know which insignificant-sounding rabbit hole will yield some legit XP or loot.

‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ piles on the quests like every other RPG, but organizes them poorly.

This is fairly common to RPGs, but “Andromeda’s” flood of quests is compounded by terrible quest tracking. A Journal ostensibly keeps tabs on them, but inexplicably lists them based on where you picked them up rather than where they are located in the world. It’s a crazy way to organize quests; land on a planet and you’ll have to either scour dots on the map or rummage through your Journal to figure out what, if anything, you’re supposed to do there.  

This alone drove me nuts. I may be a real-world organizational disaster (I am a writer, after all) but this is definitely a trait I don’t want to carry into my sci-fi power fantasy.

Laser tag

On the other hand, I did get to carry lots of guns. And this is one area where “Andromeda” really fixes something.

The game does a fine job of improving and even amping up “Mass Effect’s” combat. Jump jets and a handy dash make you far more maneuverable, which is a boon since you contend with enemies in open-world locations. Skills and proficiencies can totally alter the way you play. Focus on Combat to be a Rambo, invest in Biotics to be a Jedi, stick with Tech to hurl fire and ice, or spread the wealth and be a bit of each. Deep but approachable, the system serves as a solid backend for the on-the-field action.

If there’s one thing Bioware improved for ‘Mass Effect: Andromeda’ it’s the game’s combat.

I forgot exactly how shooty “Mass Effect” was, and once you get used to the fact that you’re not playing a game quite as refined as the “Halos” and “Horizons” it attempts to ape, it falls into a pleasant rhythm. Nice touches abound, like jumping and pausing in the air for a few seconds while aiming down your sights. Experimenting with different abilities is also a snap thanks to a handy respec option, quelling the FOMO that rules most games that force to to stick with one class. It’s flexible and fun.  Bioware upped their game here, for sure.

But it isn’t perfect. The wide-open universe only yields a handful of enemy types, and none of them are particularly exciting. You have little control over your two fellow squadmates, and the weak enemy A.I. means you never need to think strategically when deciding which companions to bring into battle. I mostly stuck with the Krogan warrior because he looks cool. A baffling “auto” cover system claims that you just need to move close to an object with your gun drawn to hide behind it, but it doesn’t work very well. It just ends up getting you shot a lot, even when you think you’re safe.

You want jump jets? You’ve got jump jets.

Systems overload

“Andromeda” just doesn’t know when to quit, layering on screen after screen and system after system to make even the simplest task, like equipping a hot new weapon, painstaking.

Find a gun? You’ll need to head back up to your ship or find a “forward station” to switch your loadout, because, well, who knows. Tiny, uniform iconography turns inventory management into a slog. You know the thrill of finding and ogling a gorgeous, exciting new rifle in “Destiny?” That ain’t here.

Scanning planets for resources takes forever due to pretty but infuriatingly slow pans and zooms. Tracking down a specific resource to, for instance, craft a new helmet, is a total crapshoot. Bioware’s focus on the big picture has left a surprising number of holes in its basic RPG foundation.

They even tossed in co-op multiplayer, because it’s 2017 and I think that’s required by law now. “Mass Effect 3” toyed with this and it returns largely unchanged, as you and some pals clear out waves of increasingly stubborn baddies. It’s got its own progression system and offers a decent break from the RPG slog, though considering the core game could take a good 80 hours to complete, I’m not sure anyone needs it.

So do they need “Mass Effect: Andromeda” at all? That’s a tough call. A cool game is buried beneath “Andromeda’s” issues. When the guns are on point and you’ve exploded a Biotic combo, or when the ramifications of some difficult choice made hours ago comes back to haunt you, “Mass Effect: Andromeda” scratches that old space itch. But getting past the technical gaffes and unfriendly interface requires a great deal of patience. Space is big, indeed, but it’s supposed to be fun, too.

Platform reviewed: PS4

What’s hot: Cool story; outpost settling is a good hook; improved maneuverability; deep combat options

What’s not: Technical issues; aggravating interface; seriously uncanny valley; quest quantity over quality; dated feel

More games coverage:

‘Middle-earth: Shadow of War’ lets you lead orcish armies — and destroy them

Nintendo Switch launch games: The must-haves, the maybes and the probably nots

‘For Honor’ review: You’ll need skill to survive this online fighter

‘Horizon: Zero Dawn’ Review: Combat and storytelling shine in spectacular sci-fi epic

The $450 Analogue Nt mini brings new life to old-school NES games

‘Resident Evil 7’ review: It’s a screaming good time

Ben Silverman is on Twitter at ben_silverman.

[witch-trials13]

I’m bored and can’t sleep (sorry if my answers don’t make sense it’s 4am lol-feel free to ask questions) also very new to this so I barely use we instead of I :)

❤️- OSDD1b

🧡-Yes just got diagnosed a couple weeks ago! Actually had no clue I had this disorder but one day I got overstimulated (I’m also autistic) by my literal conscious lol and basically after calling my therapist in panic (in summary) apparently having multiple voices in your head isn’t normal 😂

💛- around 30 I believe I keep track of it with SimplyPlural

💚- low tolerance

💙- pretty frequently probably around 3 times a day that I notice

💜- Yes, Quinni from heartbreak high and a couple from Degrassi: Next Gen

(Can’t see this emoji I haven’t updated my tablet)- no

🎥- I am not completely sure but mainly Salem (host) Rosemary (Little) and Izzy (basically the analyzer/academia)

📼- No

🎞️- I actually don’t know kinda like a mix of both but mostly community labels and some I made up

📽️- Depends some are very distinct but others are pretty similar and are friends

📺- yes it’s draining my wallet lol

🎙️- Haven’t thought of it but highly possible cause I don’t have a consistent taste so thanks for bringing this to my mind :)

📻- yeah bunch of friendships, I view some as parental almost like a neighborhood where neighbors and their families are super close if that makes sense

☀️- A lot of emotional amnesia and like grayouts I believe it’s called

🌙- nope outside of the once in every blue moon for like a couple minutes and honestly it’s terrifying so props to everyone who experiences it

⚡️- Honestly hard to describe I don’t notice is half the time until after it occurs, sometimes I get pressure headaches when it’s intense/rapid-switching

☄️- pretty quick rarely someone is not fronting usually when I’m walking to and from a place there may not completely be one person, usually all just vibin in co-con when walking

🌈-yes but usually it’s when it’s like an emotional thing or after I’ve been working on homework for a long time and can’t get that alter back to finish the work

☁️- usually takes at least a couple minutes after a switch occurs for me to realize

💦- kind of but not usually so I guess it depends on the alters basically it just like automatically happens most the time but occasionally especially with the children I can switch on command

🌱- yes basically the main room is the inside out control panel room and than theirs always that leads to different alters rooms

🌿- pretty easy

☘️- yeah I believe it’s just a further back bedroom

🌳- yes lmao, some sleepover in their friends room

🌵- I would say medium like I haven’t discovered all of it, but I’m aware of it if that makes sense like I know everyone has a room but not what it looks like or the exact location of everyone’s room

🍃- no they all can access it fairly easily

🪴- kinda like a combo of both like as soon as I think of it, it kinda just came together the more I focused on it

🍭- I actually don’t have one, kinda thinking of something to do with family/neighborhood so if anyone has any ideas please let me know :)

🍪-kinda all just go by Salem it’s the name I chose freshman year of college when I was coming to terms with gender identity, we all use they/he but that’s the most of it and all of us want us to become a mental health counselor and just finished applying to grad schools :)

🍬- oh god there’s a ton and suddenly I forgot most of them lol although I randomly said sussy Baka to my therapist after she said sus lmaoooo I have never said that before in my life

🍫 - text our therapist sometimes but like in such a confusing way she deserves a raise

🧁- not too much because luckily my autism keeps me painfully self-aware and gave me hyper-empathy, enough to know we all have the role of protecting each other

🍰- yes I informed one person in each main setting I’m in, one coworker, an advisor for an org I’m active in and my therapist and obviously on tumblr because no one I know IRL knows about it lol

🍦- it’s pretty good sometimes too good aka they be overstimulating sometimes when they have 9272929 conversations at once lol, but some alters are more aware than others

🍡- depends on what you mean by subcultures we definitely are tho

system ask game for traumagenic systems!

reposted due to us deleting our previous sysblog <3

remember that you are free to decline any question if it feels too invasive, this is for fun and you are not forced to answer anything 🤍

I: basics

❤️ - what type of CDD do you have?

🧡 - are you medically recognised/diagnosed? if not, do you plan to? (no judgement either way!)

💛 - if you are comfortable sharing, what is your headcount? do you keep track of it?

💚 - do you have a high or low split tolerance?

💙 - do you switch frequently or do you go longer periods between switching?

💜 - does your system have introjects of any kind?

🩷 - do you have any subsystems?

II: alters

🎥 - who are your frequent fronters?

📼 - do you have any non-human alters? if yes, which species are the majority of them?

🎞️ - do the alters in your system use more medical coined roles or more community coined roles? or both/neither? do you find them useful?

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

📺 - do you make/buy gifts to other alters in the systems?

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

📻 - does your system have any type of in system relationships? (familial, romantic, platonic etc.)

III: switching

☀️ - how much amnesia do you experience?

🌙 - do you experience black out amnesia?

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

☄️ - do you experience quick switches or does it take longer to switch usually?

🌈 - do you get frontstuck often? what do you do to try to get ‘un-stuck’?

☁️ - do you ever not notice you’ve switched, and suddenly realise that ‘you haven’t been you’ for a while?

💦 - can you switch ‘on command’ or is that something that is hard for your system? does it depend on the alter?

IV: headspace

🌱 - do you have a headspace? if yes, describe it! if no, do you want one?

🌿 - how easily accessed is your headspace?

☘️ - is there a place in your headspace where dormant alters go?

🌳 - do alters have their own rooms/areas in your headspace?

🌵 - is your headspace big, or smaller? is it complex/less complex?

🍃 - do you have specific alters that cannot access headspace at all?

🪴 - did you have to build your headspace over time, or was it just there?

V: general

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

🍪 - do you have a collective name/identity/orientation? if yes, how did your system make those decisions?

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

🍫 - how does your system handle in system disagreements in general?

🧁 - is there anyone specific in your system you don’t get along with?

🍰 - are you ‘out’ as a system to anyone? (online friends/partners etc. count!)

🍦 - how good is your communication with the rest of the system? does it vary much between different alters?

🍡 - are different alters part of different subcultures? which ones? (we are!)