#but whenever i'm vindicated it feels so good

[lame-cameoliob]

Kallus' motivations are so interesting

I just need to get these thoughts out so I’m throwing this ramble here:

Now, this may totally just be me thinking too much (fork found in kitchen) but I feel like when it comes to how we tend to think about Kallus’ characterization, the implications of Kallus’ experience on Onderon are very overlooked. 

So he goes to Onderon with “the boys”-- which, the term “the boys” has its own set of implications about how Kallus must have really cared for those troopers under his command but I digress– and on a patrol they’re attacked, yada yada, we all know the story. 

But Kallus becomes fully paralyzed. He doesn’t describe the extent of his paralyzation but given that he had to watch as his squad was “finished off one by one” it’s pretty fair to assume that he could not move whatsoever. The fear that any person would experience in that situation is completely indescribable, that is genuinely some shit straight out of a night terror. 

He is– as we know– spared (albeit we don’t get exact details (did the merc try to kill him but reinforcements arrived before he could? Did the merc think that Kallus was already dead? Secret 3rd option?)) and he makes a full physical recovery, but there is no way in hell that he is not coming out of that encounter with some crazy PTSD. 

There’s not a whole lot of info on Imperial mental health services but I don’t think it’s a longshot to assume that they are probably close to nonexistent.

So the empire now has… an ISB agent with field experience… with untreated PTSD… where said PTSDs inciting incident pertained to a Lasat… and they’re looking to make an example out of Lasan……….. Are you picking up what I'm putting down here…...?

If you aren’t; it is BY NO MEANS a wild assumption to say that the Empire– essentially– weaponized Kallus’ PTSD, given that he would be less likely to question the moral atrocities happening on Lasan since he was already biased against Lasat as a whole. 

Now, we don’t really have a solid grasp on what Kallus’ exact role in Lasan was since he’s  kiiiiinnnd of an unreliable narrator– I mean we’re given the line in Droids in Distress where he takes credit for giving orders during the siege, but Kallus routinely just runs his mf mouth whenever he’s throwing hands so it’s like…  that could either be the truth or a crazy exaggeration, we as viewers have literally no idea what’s going on there– but it goes without saying that Kallus is obviously not excused from his participation just because of (likely) untreated mental illness, but that is literally like the whole point of his character so like we all knew that

Now, after Lasan, Kallus does something really bizarre for an imperial to do; he accepts the borifle given to him through the Boosan Keerah, and even though he doesn’t know about the cultural significance of that, he still takes it upon himself to learn how to use this weapon. I think that literally any other imperial would have tossed that shit out on sight, so I think it does kind of imply that Kallus did have a good deal of respect for Lasat culture.

Now we can all recall how Kallus is so annoying and also batshit insane whenever he fights Zeb for the first season and a half of rebels, and ME THINKS that this is because he wants to prove to himself that if he were not paralyzed on Onderon, he could have saved the members of his squad. He had to sit by and watch them die, and I think that he just wants the vindication; now you may be thinking, But Emma, he beat the Lasat who gave him his borifle, why would he still be obsessing over this– say it with me now– he is mentally ill. No victory will ever be enough to prove this to himself. Point blank period. 

(edit:) He is for sure operating from a place of extreme predjudice and bias but I think it's worth noting that he’s not operating under the usual xenophobic imperial mindset that other species are automaticaly lesser than. (end edit) This weird obsession that he has in seasons 1 and 2 deels like it's mostly there because he wants to outwit and outfight Zeb (and the rest of the Ghost crew… but especially Zeb) (edit: Though it is 100% influenced by Xenophobia-- his mental illness and xenopobia DO coexist!!)

And after the Honorable Ones???? It’s literally never brought up again. He chills tf out so hard after that it is high key uncanny. And like, yes duh that is because– for writing purposes– that’s the beginning of his redemption and they want viewers to root for him as fulcrum, but it also implies that after finding common ground with Zeb, and understanding where he’s coming from and who Zeb is as a person, he realizes that he’s been CRASHING TF OUT for basically no reason. 

And he is SO QUICK to switch sides?? Like, he is fulcrum at least a decent time before the beginning of season three. The whole point is that the second he asks questions and delves deeper into what the Empires motivations are he is disgusted enough that he doesn’t just drop everything and disappear, no, he became a spy for the rebels because he wants to help. I feel like that just goes to show that, at his core, Kallus is a good person. A deeply confused, and hurt, and misguided person, but a good one. 

I dunno, this is just a really long winded way of saying that Kallus is the perfect example of an imperial pawn. Like the Empire is an incredibly effecient indoctrination machine that exploits people at every turn, especially their own soldiers, and I think that Kallus’ relationship with that indoctrination along with his own motivations is just super super interesting and I think about it literally all the time

[crusherthedoctor]

I hate how sonamy shippers use the "it's just slapstick, it's comedy!" argument as a get out of jail free card whenever someone criticizes Amy's bad behavior with her crush in the 2000s. That doesn't automatically excuse all criticism

Nevermind that many fans still give Tails flack for his controversial moments in Lost World and Forces, to the point where the Wildly Inconsistent line in Frontiers was an extremely on-the-nose nod to those complaints in a bid to pat itself on the back for regurgitating his SA1 arc and pretending it's new. If criticism is allowed for the divisive portrayals of the rest of the cast, it should be allowed for Amy's as well. I don't care if she got too much hate in the past, because the opposite extreme isn't any better, and that applies twice as much if it frequently involves dragging other characters through the mud or undermining their own achievements, be it Tails, Knuckles, Cream, Elise, etc.

In general, while vindication by history is one thing, the way so many blatantly bad choices have been getting the "it's actually really clever because..." retcon has been driving me batty. Battle!Amy is good now, because muh flaws (there are better ways of showing her intentional flaws). Silver trusting Mephiles immediately is good now, because muh naivety (except I thought his naivety wasn't supposed to make him an outright idiot). Eggman being upstaged in every game is good now, because it compliments muh themes (who cares about the long term damage to his reputation). I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Insert r/BatmanArkham joke here.

If any awful or questionable character moment can be spun as though it was secretly clever and well thought out all along... why bother criticising anything? Why bother criticising anything in IDW? Why bother criticising anything in Prime?

[potatoesandsunshine]

i’m calling it all the packing that can be done tonight has been done tonight

[hikarimiyanaga]

Her biggest regret

Warnings : Cheating. Angst.

A one-shot I needed to get out of myself as I try to navigate my life-work-games balance. Lmao. Chapter 4 of the Queen's Bride should be released within the month.

You freeze as you see them kiss. The wind in your lungs taken away by the sight.

You knew it.

You knew from the way she looked at him. From the way she spoke of him. The way she touched his arm.

Because all the things she did to him were once yours.

She used to look at you like you make the sun go up.

She used to speak like you were the only thing that mattered besides her children.

She used to touch you every night and revere you.

You let out a strangled noise and they both look at you.

You step inside and get your bracelet. What once held her promise of forever. But now it just burned you. Burned your heart.

"I'm giving this back." You say as you take it off your wrist and you see pain cross her eyes. "My apologies on disturbing you, Your grace." You quickly slip away after that. You run and run as you get to your tent. So much so that you don't hear her call your name. You don't hear her reject Jon's touch as she watched you run. You don't hear her anguish scream as she held the bracelet that once promised what you wanted.

-

You spent your days training. This was your life. This should just be it. You shouldn't have fallen for her. For the queen that you served. But here you are anyways.

You pant as Grey Worm looks at something behind you with silent anger in his eyes. He's always been a big brother to you. Always there and always guiding. There was a reason you are the only woman in the unsullied. Too strong to become a slave so you became a soldier instead.

You don't dare look behind for you knew whom his silent anger is for. You can feel it though. Her burning stare. You cover his eyes.

"Stop looking at her like that. You won't be marching in front if everyone thinks you want to kill her." You whisper then drink water.

"But she-"

"No buts, Grey Worm. She's still our queen." You can see the defeat in his eyes. The gratitude winning over the want to protect you.

"Go run. So she can't see you. That is the one thing I will refuse her of." You chuckle at the vindication in his voice.

"Thank you." You say then you slip away from his presence.

-

You've been avoiding her.

Daenerys could tell. What once was your spot was always given to different people each day.

What once was your voice greeting her as she checked on her army was always replaced with Grey Worm's.

And she knew of it. But there was nothing she can do. She betrayed you. She didn't keep her promise.

She stared at the bracelet she gave you. The one you gave back to her.

She can still see it, the pain in your eyes. The unshed tears as you took it off. The way you always ran away from her whenever she wanted to find you.

She can't help the sob that escaped her as she held it.

She wished she could take it back.

She wished she never felt attracted to him. Because that once fleeting attraction only made it worse when she saw the hurt in your eyes.

"Your grace." Jon calls out as he slips inside her office. The one thing that you always did whenever it was this time of the day. She longed to see you do it again. To come get her whenever it got too late. To bring her food once you knew that she skipped dinner in order to work more.

"You should eat, your grace." Jon further opens the door and she sees the servants he brought with him.

"Do not let them in." She says and the dothraki who was stationed to her quickly made a cross with their spears as to not let the servants in. And she marveled at how you always did that even if she never said it. How you were so attuned to what she wanted that even if she never voices them out, you always just know and you always do it. "Lord Commander. This is my office. No servant is allowed to enter here even if you came with good intentions."

"My apologies. Then I can-"

"No. I will get out of here myself. I do not trust your servants to not poison me." And it seemed paranoid but she had too many assassination attempts made by so-called servants to not consider such thing.

"My apologies again. Then I will leave you to it." She watches as the dothraki close the door and go back to their original position.

'What a stark difference.' She thinks to herself. 'She never once did that. Not even made others help her when she always brought me food.' And she also remembered the bandages on your hands as you held the food. And the confession from Grey Worm that you learned how to cook just so you can give her food when she overworked herself.

"I'm such an idiot." She cried once again as she gently held the bracelet.

-

It was a silent night, you realize as you got stationed in front of her chambers. Grey Worm figured that it's been two months since then and you also insisted on the position. Besides, you were only here as she slept, so you figured that you won't even see her.

"Y/N." You flinch as you hear Missandei.

"My lady." You call out and she slaps your arm.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that already."

"You did but-"

"No buts." You groan as you silently curse your brother. What a loudmouth.

"My apologies then. Missandei." She grins then takes your arm.

"Come."

"What! But my station."

"I can cover, Y/N." You glare at your comrade as Missandei pulls you to another room.

"Grey Worm might be my brother but he can get jealous too, you know?" You speak as Missandei stripped you of your uniform.

"Shut it." You chuckle as she gets annoyed.

"What are you trying-" You stop as she shoves some clothes onto you.

"Wear those."

"What-"

"Wear them." That was the final thing she says as she slips out of the room.

You look at the trousers and pants. It was a fancy version of what you usually wore.

'What could it be for?' You think but you wear them anyways. You know how Missandei can be if she isn't obeyed. Besides, you just know that Grey Worm will give you spartan training if you even thought about disobeying your essentially sister-in-law.

-

You arrive at her office and look at the basket and jar of wine in your hands.

Apparently, Daenerys have been missing all her meals for the past few days. Only opting for the bread to munch on as she toured and saw progress in her plans.

"She's punishing herself." Missandei says to you as she drags you. "Her guard always say that she cries at least once while she held your bracelet."

"It's not my bracelet anymore." You say with such pain in your voice that Missandei hugs you.

"It's yours. Even if you don't want it to be anymore." You sob into her shoulder as she comforts you. It's been months but you still haven't moved on. You never will, you knew that. Your fragile and broken heart will always be hers even if her heart wasn't yours anymore. "Just bring dinner to her, please. How will any of us see her ascend to her throne if she starves herself in the process?"

And so here you are. A bundle of nerves, just anxious.

"Get in, give her food then get out. Easy enough, right? It should be! Damn it!"

"Just get in." You look at Tyrion and frown.

"Even you?"

"I know what she did is unforgivable but you should-"

"I know what lies beyond. I know their atrocities." You say in resolution and open the door. The two dothrakis on her station sees you and slips out of the office as Daenerys continues working.

"Missandei? Can you just give me a glass of wine? One that can fi-"

"You should eat properly." You speak and you see as her hand stops writing. As she slowly looks at you. You smile sadly at her as you walk up to her desk. "Here." You clear her desk of her documents, bringing them over to the table in her office then bring out the contents of your basket. The ones you cooked with your own hands. She silently watches as you do all these. You don't forget to give her a glass of wine then smile at her. "Eat."

She looks at the food and wine then she tears up. Gods, how she missed this. How she missed you.

"Is this a dream?" You can hear the yearning in her voice for this to be her reality. And you know it is, the hurt and pain in your heart right now is the proof.

"It's not." You say as you pour yourself a glass of wine. You never liked the thing, always sobering through celebrations and such. And so, dream you will never drink this, you and her know that so you drink the glass in one go. You grunt as you put the glass down. You never liked it's effects before until now. The alcohol in you seemingly giving you courage to face her. "It really isn't. So eat, please." Daenerys nods and begins to help herself to the food. She watches as you pour yourself another glass.

"Do you-" She tries to stop you but you didn't want to remember this night. You didn't want this pain anymore.

-

You were drunk by the time Daenerys finishes her food. The entire jug of wine was almost emptied by you if she didn't stop you by your sixth glass.

"You know." You begin as you felt yourself get dizzy. "I knew there was a reason why I don't like wine. My self-control is slipping out of me. I can feel it." You giggle and laugh.

"Y/N-"

"And you! The love of my life!" You smile as you look at her and Daenerys felt like she travelled to the past where you looked at her like she was a goddess walking on the ground.

"Such a tragedy. I knew you would find someone better. I knew it in my head but I just- I still gambled my heart." You sigh wistfully as the pain squeezed her heart. "And I never got it back." She stares at you as you walk to her.

"Tell me, your grace." She felt another squeeze at the unfamiliar address. You stopped calling her that when the two of you made love for the first time.

"Was it fun?" She froze at that. "Was it good when you kissed him? Or when you fucked him?" You refuse to believe that any sane man would be able to resist her charm. Hell, even you couldn't resist it.

"Did it feel good when you broke my heart?" You couldn't stop the tears now as they flowed freely onto her lap. She looks as you give her a defeated smile. The same one she always sees when you decide to sacrifice yourself for a comrade, but this time, combined with your tears, was more painful than every other defeated smile you ever gave. Because after those defeated smiles. After the battle is over, you always walk over to her and give her the brightest grin and the most gentle kiss. But now, she knows she won't have that anymore. "Did you laugh when you heard it shatter? Was it- was it worth it?" You sob as you kneel. You can't think anymore. If you were sober, none of this would be spoken to her. None of this would ever known to anyone. You are an unsullied. Bottling your feelings and not showing any emotions was what you were trained for. But alcohol brought everything out. Your every self-deprecating thought, every pain and every sorrow. Because as much as you were known for your smile, no one knows how you looked when you are in grief. No one until Daenerys came. She can only watch as you sobbed until you fall asleep. She can only shed silent tears as she whispered her apologies to you.

-

You wake with a massive headache. One that makes you groan as you sit on the familiar yet unfamiliar bed. You haven't been here in a while.

"Fuck. I'm never drinking alcohol again." You grunt as the pain hits you again.

"That would be for the best." You freeze as you hear her voice. You hear her shuffle around then a cup appears in your vision. "Drink up. The maester said this would help with the pain." You shakily accepts the cup and drink it one go. The pain now concentrated at your tounge as the hot tea travels through your body. You look at her face and you can't help but voice out the first word that gets in your head.

"Dilaw." Daenerys tilts her head and you blush as you facepalm for yourself.

"Di- what?" She asks and you cover your face.

"Literally, it means yellow. But another meaning means happiness. Or source of it." Daenerys blushes as she hears your explanation. In any other day, you would grin then kiss and hug her but instead pain grips your heart instead. "I should go." You stand and avoid touching her. "Thank you for letting me sleep here. Farewell, your grace." Daenerys stops you before you can even open the door.

"I'm sorry." She says as tears flow through her face. "I'm so sorry. I took you for granted. I took everything we ever had for granted. But please, Y/N. Please give me another chance. Give me the chance to make everything right. Give me the chance to pick up your heart's broken pieces. Give me the chance to make it whole again."

"Your grace." The title makes her grip tighter on your wrist. "I have no more right. No more fight. And no more courage in me. You have taken all of those away." You shake as you finally let everything out. "You have always owned the heart you broke with your own hands. I never got it back."

"Then let me earn your trust again. Let me by your side again. I'm begging you, Y/N. Without you, everything feels wrong. Everything I'm fighting for felt empty. Every promise and plans I make felt futile."

"I can't. Not yet, at least. Please give me more time. More moments to myself. Then maybe, I can ease myself into your side again."

"Then I'll wait for that day." She finally lets go and you look at her. Look at her tear-stricken and wipe her tears away.

"Thank you, Dany." The familiar address gives her hope in her heart even as you slip away from her room.

You don't run anymore. You walk as you go outside the castle.

You knew that eventually, the inevitable will happen. That you will be hers again. Because your heart that you always protected was now guarded and owned by a dragon.

-

PS.

I will hit myself if I don't get chapter 4 out. I swear.

I need more hours in the day, to be honest. I hate working 9 am to 6 pm 😭😭.

[the-badger-mole]

So due to friends who ship it, I often end up in KA spaces more than I would like. But I recently was told something I think you especially would find funny/ridiculous. Apparently Bryke has continued the revisionism of their show due to criticism. First it was the comics and Aang asking Katara if he can kiss her. Then it’s the freaking cookbook that tells us Aang cooks all the time for his friends and knows lots of air nomad vegetarian recipes. Now according to my KA shipping friends, Avatar Legends has talked about how Kya and Bumi were included and received a full air nomad cultural education just like Tenzin did. That Kya uses her father’s lessons on “philosophy, meditation, and balance” in her own life and teaches classes to the new air nomads. So now KA shippers are trying to claim that this shows that Aang was a good dad and did treat them fairly and wasn’t neglectful. I can only imagine what Bryke will come up with next for their new movie!

Fortunately thanks to you I have a solid argument for my friends whenever this kind of thing crops up, “If Bryke thought it was important they would have showed it on screen in the show.” So thank you!

I'm happy to help! I would add that them making these adjustments to Aang after everyone complained about them is too little too late. Especially since most of these have come well after LoK wrapped. Who are they even doing it for? Aang's stans are going to stan no matter what awful things he does. Those of us who don't like Aang aren't going to be fooled by such an embarrassingly transparent attempt. And unless they're going to George Lucas LoK and rewrite whole episodes and plot points, their original ideas still stand. All they're doing is proving the Zutara/anti Aang fans right. Aang was a terrible father/husband/friend, and now they're trying to retcon their boy. I don't follow the comics and other properties, but what I've heard about it all makes me feel vindicated. I can't wait until they reveal that Katara had a bigger statue than Aang in another part of Republic City the whole time, and the only reason she wasn't at Yakone's bloodbending trial is because she was singlehandedly delivering an entire maternity ward's worth of babies. In the middle of a blizzard. With her teeth. And the reason she's the only one who can stop Aang's Avatar Super Tantrums is because every Avatar has some sort of mystical counterpoint that's born to babysit their rage outs.

Bryke's writing is a joke.

[amaryllis-sagitta]

DATV more thoughts about Solas [after I saw More Crossroads Stuff]

Not gonna lie, I'm seriously struggling to stay sympathetic towards him. The sadboy shtick got tired in that note from The Missing #3 if not earlier, and the pestering messaging from the game feels like a setup. "Look! He has REGRETS. HE REGARTS, OKAY????". Cool. But then, the seemingly common sense response from both Rook and the NPCs around is to go on an angry rant about how performative and hollow Solas's regret is, and how he will 100% without all doubt go full Farquaad on the world as soon as he breaks free.

His characterization in this game feels like BioWare tries to pander to stans and haters at the same time, but moreso to the haters if you haven't entered the game with an already Solas-favorable attitude. And yet, I don't feel like I have any room to make up my own mind when trying to fill in Rook's shoes because someone's always breathing at my neck repeating HE'S THE GOD OF LIES AND TREACHERY. LIES AND TREACHERYYYYYYYYYYYYY. It makes a principled Rook, who wishes to understand Solas without the ulterior motive of outwolfing the Wolf, look dangerously naive. Being understanding towards Solas is no longer portrayed as a choice of open-mindedness and mirroring but one of... a leap of faith that borders on folly and forbodes a bad ending (*cough cough* parallel to Varric *cough cough*)?

On the other hand, there is an attempt to portray Solas as a victim of toxic codependency, but what does it matter? It's truly an accomplishment for Mythal's appearance to obliterate not one but TWO arcs about breaking the cycles of abuse and untangling from poisonous influences that instill a toxic sense of duty. Morrigan's eyes were pried open too, and she moved past the "mistake" of defiance towards her mother. Solas remains the #1 Mythal Stan even if it implies him basically regretting he has ever existed, because every step and every decision since he joined the world makes him complicit in unspeakable evils.

All in all, despite using Solas to reach her own goals and maintain her own position, Mythal is vindicated by the narrative if not straight up absolved by the weirdest clapback from the assumed moral objectivism of the Fade spirits so far -- she was driven by Benevolence in the beginning and not sheer greed or hunger for power. This is supposed to be evidence to support Mythal's special place in the universe as "the best of them all". Meanwhile, she is responsible for the Blight. For the sake of survival of the first elvhen on the Earth, she would destroy the Earth's very primal creative force. But letting the other Evanuris have the Blight would take things a step too far. Okay? Yay? Are we supposed to consider this growth?

Where is this supposed benevolence? The Mythal we saw showing benevolence towards the elven People was FLEMETH, the one who prevailed in the post-Veil world and "grew wiser". It's the Asha Bellanar. It might be MorriMythal who keeps watching over the Veil Jumpers in Arlathan. Not the shard we petition for help supposedly consumed by the nature of Retribution, that dwells on the hurt and reproach of all the betrayals she experienced, and replies with cynicism to a Rook who tries to come off and principled and show that they care for injustice whenever, however and to whomever it happened.

My greatest gripe with the Mythal thing is that all of this could come together somehow if that encounter was a beginning of a true arc of reflection, moral change and tangible reparation.

I haven't completed the game yet but I have read about the potential implications of this for Solavellan and... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

I've always been kinda lukewarm about this romance personally, but it looks like the version of a Solasmancing Lavellan that is strongly hinted by the narrative is... either a sycophant or kinda done dirty by the Mythal thing? I'm going to see once I reach the endgame (I'm building up towards the "good" Solavellan ending because I don't have the patience to explore what "bad" Solas means considering how he is characterized at his best).

[mrradmccoolman]

hello everynyan!! it's baby's second (?) tumblr post. i present to you:

ELLIOTT'S ANDERPERRY SONG ANALYSIS

okay, so, here's the gist of it: i have an ever-growing playlist on spotify of songs i feel fit neil, todd, or their relationship as a whole. each song is not only one i like, but also has lyrics that represent something specific about them. this sort of thing is something ive done for multiple characters for a long time, and ive always had carefully curated reasons behind my choices. i just recently got back into the dps fandom, and thought this would be a good way to not only show how i see the characters, but also become a part of the community on Tumblr myself :)

i will not be doing every song simply because i do not have the time and the playlist is way too long for that, but i'll definitely be choosing some favorites. i'll most likely just post whenever i feel like it, so i can't promise any sort of a timeline. this is just a little project i thought would be fun, especially considering the fics im working on take me ages lol 😅

sooo without further ado: song number one is....

Habanero by Rosie Tucker

i've been listening to a lot of rosie tucker's music lately, and this song really stood out to me as a todd/neil song from neil's perspective. one of the reasons i connect so much to neil as a character is because i see myself in him, and subsequently how he handles what i see as a very real depressive disorder throughout the movie. this song makes me think of his feelings and relationship with todd in canon, how he sees himself and todd, and the bittersweet-ness of loving someone in the "wrong" way.

"...you said "this never happens to me, this never happens" but you smile while you suffer so you're lying or wrong" this lyric encapsulates a big part of neil's perception of todd, especially towards the beginning of the movie. it specifically reminds me of the "what do you mean no?" scene and the argument they have leading up to it. it also alludes to todd's poem scene in front of the class and neil's reaction to it. he sees todd as saying this sort of bewildered, in awe, "this never happens to me," because, well, for todd, that's how it feels. he doesn't speak in front of people, he doesn't share parts of himself like that. i actually believe he didn't even really write poetry on his own before keating's class, either, so even writing at all is a big step for him- never mind showing others. we know todd hates public speaking and being perceived (although it's a lot more complicated than that, but i won't get into it here) so he "smiles while (he) suffers" because even though this is something he hates and feels so much shame about, a part of him is amazed and happy he did it at all. thus the "you're lying or wrong" from neil- i see this as neil recognizing that actually, knowing todd, this isn't the first time he's done something like this like he might think. in truth, todd says and does beautiful things like this all the time. though todd sees himself as dull and embarassing, neil sees the truth. we often think of neil as recognizing todd as a diamond in the rough, but people are more complicated than that. really, todd has always had this beauty inside him- this is just the first time he (and everyone else) has gotten the opportunity to really see it. neil feels vindicated in a sense, because he knew it was there.

"i'm never happy, but i've never been better" i feel this lyric is pretty straightforward when it comes to neil. he has depression, which makes it so so hard to feel happy, even when you think you should- and most of the time, neil doesn't even have those moments. todd isn't some cure-all for his problems, and certainly doesn't make his depression go away, but he's a huge aid to neil. he's the one person who really sees him. even if neil still isn't happy in the traditional way, he still feels better around todd. another thing i could get into buttt this post is already gonna be long enough as is lol.

"i need to see you sweat" i feel this one is also pretty self explanatory. it's sexuality and desire, something neil has likely not felt to this level before. especially when you're depressed, it's hard to feel any sort of desire. i feel that any thoughts neil would have would already be pretty vague because of his internalized homophobia, but this would be similar to the way he would allow himself to verbalize his feelings. there are a lot of great fics out there that i feel really encapsulate this well.

"wouldn't we be perfect together if we wanted exactly the same thing?" i would argue that the majority of the fandom kind of accepts neil's feelings for todd as pretty obviously requited, even though interestingly enough, from an outside perspective i would actually argue neil's feelings are the most obviously canon. not that i don't definitely believe todd feels the same, nor do i think this is a bad thing- it's just that the entire movie revolves around identity, and neil's passion for acting serves as a metaphor for queerness pretty obviously, and beyond that acting is associated with queer identity as a whole, another reason behind mr. perry's aversion to it. neil doesn't know if todd feels the same as he does. even if things may seem obvious to us, this isn't "normal" for the time period and so i believe wholeheartedly that neil didn't know todd had any feelings for him. was this more his own self hatred, him protecting himself, or that anything he saw that may have alluded to reciprocation he convinced himself was his own mind playing tricks on him? probably a mixture of all three.

"but i smile while i suffer like a sucker supreme" even though neil knows this won't end well, that his feelings are "wrong" and this is hurting him in the long run, he can't help himself when it comes to todd. he's a sucker for him and the feelings he gets being around him.

"all at once i'm a child trapping tadpoles in a cup, and i know they'll never make it (...) but i smile while they suffer 'cause i want it so much" neil knows being in the play, being with todd, and defying his father is a losing game. he knows, on a distant level, that he'll never get away with it. maybe during the play he finally, for one gorgeous moment, truly believed things would change- but then his father shows up and proves he was right all along. he knows he's doomed, that todd was right to doubt his plan to lie to his father in the first place, but he wants it so badly he doesn't care (or, more than that, he feels so incredibly trapped that he's given up and has resigned himself to the consequences). not only this, but his depression has made his latching onto the one thing that gives him hope even more intense. to be ripped away from this, the only thing he's ever wanted- the only person he's ever wanted- is the end. he knows that. even so, even though he can see the futility of it all crumbling beneath him, he sees the fall through.

"i can't believe i'll die before becoming a frog" there's a sort of disbelief in his resignation to death in his final moments, a darkly humorous "i can't believe it's come to this, that this is really happening" despite not really being surprised. neil is cutting everything short and throwing away his potential before his father gets the chance to do it for him. he'll never "become a frog" in so many ways- never get to live for himself, never get to become an adult, never get to act again, etc.

well...that was very long! if you've made it to the end of this post, i hope this was as fun for you as it was for me :)) i'll definitely be doing more of these as time goes on!! let me know your thoughts!!

(the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3Fh97W8EItmoJHjQvjsBl4?si=WoH7J5GHTfmt3v7OuqbHnQ&pi=6x2g03n8Q1Knc )

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[ribstongrowback]

re: "what if Callouts For Good tho?"

i need you to think of callouts like you think of the cops. you'll hear this retort often, when one professes their mistrust of the police establishment: "okay, but what if you get mugged, huh?".

it is a fair question, after all, we are told the police is here to serve and protect, nevermind the fact that most of the time what you'll get out of reporting a theft to the police is that you'll be able to make an insurance claim later.

the reason why this is not the armour piercing question some people think it is, is that the police is not, in fact, here to help you if you get mugged. we all know this. the police protects capital, and if you don't have that, they won't protect you, especially if you're a minority.

you know what i mean. i'm summing this up because i assume that you're coming to this debate from a broadly leftist point of view, and only repeating them so that you put a pin in that as i make my actual point. if you don't think all cops are bastards, i don't think the rest of this post will convince you either way.

the point is that the police can and will only help you if you are a person of means. the actual things that police can do, the violence cops are capable of, only works on the poor and disenfrenchised. on anyone who's not the bourgeoisie.

callouts work in a similar way, because what callouts attack is social capital.

the point of a callout is that it's a non-police solution, essentially, right? in the ideal scenario, you're pointing out harm that someone is doing so that the community wises up to how dangerous that person is, in order to reduce their ability to do harm. most people who use a callout are aiming at least on paper for the target to lose their status in the community, or for their exclusion.

the issue here is that for this to work, you have to convince the community, and even with the best intentions in the world, this only works if you, as the caller, have enough social capital compared to your target that you will be trusted over the established feelings the community harbors towards that target.

you'll notice, whenever a callout works, that the people will line up to declare that they never trusted the target anyway. that they caught a "vibe" or whatever. true, some of that might be people exonerating themselves, but mostly i think these people just feel vindication over having their biases confirmed.

in other word, callouts that work work because the target already has low social capital.

now, in a community, who has the lowest social capital? why, the minorities, of course. this is why black, disabled, trans people are the most common target of any callout that works. because these people are not trusted by the community as much as white abled and cis people, because even in progressive spaces, prejudice persists.

all of this to explain something that @txttletale said in a much more succint way: callouts only work when you're punching down.

like the police.

[arcane-ish]

Headcanons vs Source Material

I think everyone is a bit attached to their own head canons. I think that's just human nature.

It's something that I try to battle against for just oddball personal reasons. Doesn't mean that I'm any good at it, but particularly with a serialized show, I often kind of like to think of a piece of art almost as a conversation. Or more like, meeting various people in a bar and them telling you their stories.

That's why I like to speculate on stuff. I don't need to be right about a characterization (maybe that person who is telling the story has terrible taste, is horrifically racist or drunk and meandering). But it's sometimes kind of cool if one is. It makes me feel like I understood that person who is trying to tell me a story.

Cait

Like my take on Caitlyn and Vi, that Caitlyn is is probably the more experienced one when like way back in season 1 there were a lot of people who were all about virgin!I don't even understood my sexuality before meeting Vi!Caitlyn. So I feel pretty vindicated by Cait just casually talking another lover.

Vi

Or all the "adult Vi is not a Zaun patriot and has zero designs on leading the Undercity and becoming a rebel leader" discussions.

Jinx

This is not a brag. I'm often very wrong. For example, I was genuinely surprised at what they did with Jinx's voices after Silco's death. It's intriguing and now I feel I understand what they might be thinking there. But it's not something I necessarily "saw", but I think a lot of it is very cool. To what extent she is functional and what triggers her, how she expresses herself even if the voices don't play a role. Just to unpack her meeting Isha and not wanting to be Jinx, just like how being or not being Powder played a role in season 1. It's just overall cool.

Vander x Silco

Anyway, I've never been brave or disciplined enough to finish and post any of my fanfic. But one thing I noticed whenever I wrote Vander x Silco, like the moment the fic gets longer I always, always very quickly fall into a pattern of Vander being the who drives the reconciliation. Like I have, modern AU "Vander decides he wants Silco back, that he's not gonna take no for an answer and he's gonna bludgeon his way back into Silco's life while Silco who is just coming out of being cheated on by another partner is amused by Vander's efforts".

I actually tried to write the "Vander and Silco's relationship went bad because Vander was upset about Silco not wanting children" ABO universe story. I tried to write Vander and Silco being sweet revolutionary miners in love and it ended up as Silco thinking that Vander is too all consuming and he asks if they can't have a open relationship and Vander is just fucking floored by that and it's the quiet "and things were never the same again after that" moment.

I intentionally tried to write "Silco is crushing on whore!Vander who is in a relationship with Benzo" and that somehow morphed into "As Vander makes fun of what a loser Silco is and that he'll never fuck him he slowly grown increasingly more protective and obssessed with him" (and it ended up with Vander being jealous that Silco loves the revolution more than him).

So yeah, I've just naturally ended up on tons of variations of "Vander was a shitty boyfriend because he's insecure".

I presume that's why the read of s2act2 as "okay, Viktor peered into Vander's mind, Vander cared deeply about Silco, never forgot him and wanted to reunite" comes pretty naturally to me.

(I also wonder if that's a sign that I relate more to Vander, because I think people have a tendency to project more pining onto the character they identify with more, also because in a lot of way that is the more active, pursing a goal story thread. Even if I try to pretend that if Silco was the emotional pursuer, it just wouldn't work as well as a longer story, because Vander would be either up for it or not)

[kerubimcrepin]

The big Kerubim analysis post.

Aka, "finishing the liveblog for Episode 46 - The Hacienda's Fever, and then going completely off the rails 2 lines deep."

It is so vindicating to finally get here, and be able to show you this line, after having spent the past 45 episodes talking about how the entire crux of Kerubim's character arc is his horrible, horrible loneliness, with only the subtext, and the comic, to back me up.

It's so... unromantic, that his entire reason for being with Lou is really mostly about loneliness, isn't it? Yet, it explains everything.

And to be fair to their relationship, this fear of loneliness is his reason for everything. The Achilles heel of his psyche, from which all problems stem.

So... I think it's the time to quickly wrap up the episode, and then analyse him, deeply.

Simone's appropriate, albeit pretty tragic, addition of "but all good come to an end", sets a perfect tone for the end of the episode, and the rest of this post.

And while it is a funny line, — because, for all his singing and dreaming, their romance has ended decades ago, — it also applies to his entire life, in a way.

Good things just don't last for Kerubim.

Kerubim and Atcham grew up in a big family, consisting of at least four other siblings and two parents, before being orphaned sometime before the age of seven, and ending up at the orphan temple.

Whether they were related to their mother, or adopted into the family, is irrelevant, — they both revere their legacy equally, despite the disdain they feel for one another.

Neither of them integrated into any friend groups in the orphanage, and ended up completely isolated, and at this time, where they should have been one another's support, their relationship fell apart.

It happened due to the mixture of Ecaflip's manipulation to further isolate Kerubim, and Atcham very likely being othered and bullied, being jealous of Kerubim's fur and protection by Ecaflip. They both abandoned one another out of jealousy and fear.

Likely, Kerubim first began to distance himself from Atcham, who began to close himself off from him, out of jealousy and anger, — which only led Kerubim to distance himself further, and develop a bond with ecaflip. A back-and-forth reaction.

The reason Kerubim spends his whole life trying to be an ideal of a hero and a man, whatever those may even be, is that he's seen first-hand that abnormality leads to rejection, which leads to loneliness.

But the next fear he has, related to loneliness, is his fear of being abandoned and disliked by his loved ones.

From his point of view, what happened with Atcham was that they were friends, and then, after their family was gone, Atcham blamed him for everything and decided to make killing him his life mission.

He can't bring himself to truly hate Atcham, because as an adult he understands how bad things were for him, — it doesn't mean that Kerubim doesn't dislike him, and have very valid reasons to do so, — but it stings. Because he doesn't dislike Atcham as much as Atcham dislikes him.

What happened between them was his first taste of rejection and abandonment, — and that memory, together with Ecaflip's slow chipping away at his self-esteem and threats, (both things — something Atcham was jealous of), becomes a killer combination.

Kerubim's first, and only, childhood friend was Bashi. They never understood one another, because neither of them is very emotionally intelligent, and their relationship fell apart. His other friends from childhood began to hate him too.

Abandoned again, — and it only reinforces this fear.

And so, his experiences lead him to take frantic actions to avoid often-imagined abandonment, and the pain it brings.

Whenever he has a conflict with someone, he flips between either hating them, and trying to hurt them before they can hurt him, — and hating himself, because if he keeps being left behind, it must mean he's not a very good person to be around, right...?

I'm doing character analysis here, but Bro.,, how did the writers give him BPD on accident.

It hurts his and Lou's relationship, his self-medication with danger and gambling also hurts their relationship. Lou's manipulation and insults also degrade their relationship. And their mutual cheating hurts it even more.

And then, abandoned again.

Despite their rivalry, he has always respected, even liked Indie, — but it hurts, because it feels like Indie almost never returned that sympathy.

And that's one more person besides Bashi and Atcham who he likes, and who doesn't like him back.

So overall, his life amounts to everyone he ever liked leaving him alone, again and again.

And the friends he still has aren't that close, — kept at a slight distance, lest they begin to hate him too. Even if he doesn't act that way, Kerubim doesn't think much of himself. His sole source of self-esteem is external validation. Mostly from Joris, by now.

Even friendly departures break him a little. Because good things just don't last, don't they?

Even Joris, — the best thing to have ever happened to him, — even the relationship he has with him, feels like it's running out of time.

It probably feels like his relationship with Joris won't last either, — he'll grow up, grow tired of him, and leave him too.

He's more than aware he hasn't been the best father he could be, and he's terrified of the moment Joris realises it, too.

Because that's the one relationship he can't bear to lose anymore.

[bangtannism]

this space is filled with jm solos and people who give too much thought to jm solo narratives

which is why i'm confused that jk biased jkkers (as that anon said even ones that are critical and weird towards jimin) were also upset with the way jk was acting. if it was just jm biased jkkers and solos, i could see it as people using jk for a ship and not liking/supporting him if he steps out of that "perfect boyfriend" and "jm's caretaker" narrative that isn't true or at least isn't ALL he is, but JK BIASED twisting his intentions and actions? that's just crazy....

idk if it's people now seeing jikook (and more so jk) outside of edits and fics or just taekook interacting, but it needs to stop before people become even worse jk (and tae/taekook) antis

i'd love to look at the jikook tag after a ays episode without being made to feel like i'm insane or "supporting bullying and abuse" 😭

there's a few things going on here.

like i mentioned, jm solo narratives permeate this part of fandom. it sucks, but it is what it is, and unfortunately these people tend to flock together, creating an echo chamber that can look to those outside of it as a popular opinion or consensus. the infantilizing of jm is not only maddening, but deeply disrespectful, and if these people really loved him, they wouldn't be doing it.

people are far too impressionable. this goes hand in hand with the first point, but people are swayed extremely easily and the more they see the same sort of opinion, the more they convince themself that the opinion is right. when ays episode 1 first dropped, the first few hours were peaceful and it was clear that the majority of people came away with a positive feeling. once a couple of negative opinions got posted, people started to latch onto that negativity, letting other people's feelings tarnish their experience, and soon it was all over the tag. jk was being weird, distant, uncaring, mean, etc.

the seedier people in this fandom feel vindicated whenever someone says some nasty opinion about a member/ship they dislike and it prompts them to get louder. think about how much more outspoken bigots get when they think they're around like minded people. every single time a shitty take gets posted, be that an original post or an anon message, more people feel that it's okay to also be shitty. this happened bad when tae was announced to be joining jkk in jeju. the tae antis were suddenly all over the damn tag like cockroaches. 🥾🪳

i do think there is a lot of people who are being forced to contend with the fact that jkk are not story book characters living a sacharrine sweet perfect fantasy life where all they do is cuddle and sing each other's praises. sorry to break it to these people (i'm not), but jm and jk are very real people who are a lot more complex than that. they are going to tease and joke and complain and argue and all the rest of the stuff that every other person does. they are also not going to be in the same mood 24/7 and that too is going to affect how they behave and interact. there is nothing concerning about how jkk (or vmk) have interacted on ays so far, let alone something that constitutes the label of abuse. that accusation actually pissed me off beyond belief, because abuse isn't a fucking term to throw around over someone being jokingly sprayed with water.

my best advice to anyone at this point is to use that block button freely and curate a good fandom space for yourself and others. and also just to remember that vmk love each other dearly and no amount of sad internet hate is going to change their reality.

[sabba-tumbling]

Thank you so much @agirlandherquill for tagging me! This is my contribution to the seventh day of writemas:

Prompts: "You never should have smiled at me."/the dead of night/he tried to speak, he tried his hardest, but no sound would come/stillness

Life is made of choices, and that blows, because Draco Malfoy was famously bad at making choices, a trait that, regrettably, had brought him to that moment where yet another choice was demanded of him, the painful death by an UTI or a fast descent into madness by sleep deprivation.

UTI was winning so far, he had seen enough of Aunt Bella to know madness wasn't a good look in the Black family.

Not daring to turn his head, he glanced at the mop of inky black hair from the corner of his eye. Lucky bastard, everything was always handed on a silver plate to The Chosen One, he got to sleep peacefully through that stormy spring night, free to get up and piss whenever he liked, while Draco was pinned down by the weight of the five-year-old who had decided, in a spectacular lapse of judgement, to make his nightmares Draco’s problem despite the saviour of the wizarding world being right there.

Another thunder boomed and Draco tensed as little Edward shifted against his side, letting out a mumble. He felt more than saw The Boy Who Lived wake up, green eyes blown black in the dark of their room, immediately casting a silencio, wandless and wordless, before he could wake his godson up.

Having The Yapping One for a partner caused an auror to develop all sorts of abilities.

Draco didn't bother fighting back a smile as his infuriating boyfriend tried to say something, frowning in irritation in a way that crinkled that charming crooked nose. It wasn't his fault, he told Harry to learn how to cast a non-verbal finite incantatem.

"Don't wake him up," Draco mouthed silently. "I'm feeling unforgiving."

Harry sighed soundlessly.

"I slept."

"Clearly."

He at least had the decency to look guilty, mumbling something Draco couldn't quite read on his lips.

"Enunciate." He mouthed slowly, earning a glare from those thick-lashed eyes.

"He likes you better."

Draco smirked, trying to mask the warmth the words brought him. Ever since they had started dating, Harry had made it clear that Edward was an integral part of his life, it could hardly be any different when he lived with Andromeda in the old Black House to help take care of the young boy.

"A clever lad." Draco made sure to enunciate the words as patronisingly slow as possible, succeeding in causing Harry to pout adorably.

Edward chose that moment to adjust his position, kneeing him on the ribs, and Draco winced, struggling not to keep silent while his little brat of a boyfriend smiled, vindicated.

"I should move and leave you to deal with him," he threatened emptily. "I did not sign up for this."

Harry wasn't moved in the slightest, his lovely crooked teeth showing as those full dark lips parted in a grin.

"Shouldn't have smiled at me then, git." He whispered, having finally managed the finite incantatem, causing Edward to whine lightly in warning.

Draco would either kill the bastard or marry him, but that was a decision better left for another night.

[chalkrevelations]

OK, no, sorry - apparently I can't wait for tomorrow on this bit.

VINDICATED by a shot of a phone screen.

And yet, I'm still seeing people chipping away at Day's agency like it couldn't be him - and his own explicitly stated and demonstrable fear of how people are going to look at him (lit. and fig.) if they know the truth - that's behind his isolation in his room or these cover stories of disappearing to the US or quitting school to focus on badminton. No, it must be his family inflicting this on him and lying about him because they're the ones who are apparently so ashamed?

I honestly don't understand why so many people seem to be jumping to the conclusion that the cover stories are things that Day's family are spreading for their own selfish reasons, rather than something he's insisting on and they're going along with - whether to allow him some autonomy in how he deals with adjusting to his disability, or simply because we've actually seen what a heinous asshole he can be to Night, at least, when he's frustrated about his situation, and who wants to deal with that? When we've seen Mork confront Day in this very episode about how Day is hiding from his friends? Nothing is stopping Day from answering all those various - literally thousands of - social media messages from his friends that we see sitting unanswered on his phone screen. If Day wanted people to know what was actually happening, he'd tell them. Is there actual evidence in the show that I'm missing, that Night and Ramon are the ones making up the cover stories, let alone preventing him from telling anyone the truth?

Night - the guy who was all, "calm yourself, Mother, he's finally agreed to leave the house, perhaps we could encourage this and not ignominiously sack the guy who managed to make it happen;" the guy who has been Mork's defender from Day Negative-One, based on how good Mork is at getting Day out of his shell and regaining his life and his prior self - Night's apparently making the decision to lie to all and sundry to hide what's happened to Day? Why? Why would he want Mork around and taking Day outside where anybody could run into him, then? Not to mention that we've seen the vicious response Night gets from Day when he pushes back on what Day wants, so why would he be telling tales against Day's will, rather than giving in to what Day wants him to tell people? If Day didn't want Night telling the school that he was focusing on badminton, instead of the truth, he is demonstrably capable of ripping Night a new one over it. It's not like Day's not going to find out what Night told his academic advisor, and Night doesn't seem the least bit worried or guilty about Day going to talk to the guy and comparing stories. Until we learn otherwise, I'm operating under the assumption that this is what Day told Night to tell the school. What is Night supposed to do, tell everyone Day's business against Day's will? Wherefore Day's autonomy in that situation?

Night is the one who's looking at Day with hope rather than apprehension whenever Day makes a move to be more independent and move out of his shell - to get the sauce from the cabinets on his own, to leave the house. Yes, my guy was uptight about Day coming into the Shining Institute with him in Ep 1 and yelled about how hard it can be to take care of Day, and I think all of that's perfectly understandable - it's terrifying to suddenly find yourself completely responsible for someone's well-being, particularly someone who will literally put themself in danger to spite you, and he's dealing with a guy who's refused to come out of his room and learn to move around his own house, now wanting to wander around the world with no practice?

Also, wow, god forbid a mom be protective of her baby and have to learn to let go some.

I really feel like there are people determined to impute sinister motives to Day's family when they really are just people who have - like many, many people - never really had to deal with disability in their life and are suddenly having to learn how, all while being shut out by a family member who's going through their own shit and who they're having to carefully calibrate where they think they should fall on allowing him his autonomy, avoiding the way he lashes out at them when he's frustrated and angry, and trying to learn what's actually the best way to help him. I reiterate, they're not doing this perfectly, there's more they could do, but I also don't think they're getting a lot of credit for the fact that they can only do what Day will allow.

[funnuraba]

I'm actually starting to believe that Baxter may have become Wodehouse's way of venting a little bit about one of his wife's young men who was getting particularly irritating and officious, because as I've mentioned before, that guy existed in real life, his name was Bobby Denby, and Baxter never appeared again after Denby finally faded away for good in the 1930s and 40s.

The timeline is important here: Baxter predates Denby, with his first appearance being in 1915's Something Fresh. But his role is quite different there: he's essentially a well-meaning man trying to do his job, and at the end he's vindicated and restored to Lord Emsworth's good graces. In 1921, Denby shows up and joins the Wodehouse household, where he remains off and on for over a decade. In 1923, after a few attempts at creating a humorous earl's family with an overbearing sister, Wodehouse finally returns to Blandings and introduces the sister character who sticks, in the form of Lady Constance Keeble. Who in this first book does have an actual husband attached--Joe Keeble, like Wodehouse, has a beloved stepdaughter, and immediately after marrying, he turned his bank account over to his wife exactly as Wodehouse claims to have done (although his biographers feel this may have been an obfuscating piece of fiction). In later stories, the cast was pared down, and she and Lord Emsworth play out a number of takes on Wodehouse being pressured by his wife to socialize, wear formal clothes, do anything besides talk about his hyperfixation, and so forth. In essence, she becomes the wife figure to Lord Emsworth, with perhaps a bonus for Wodehouse in that this excludes any possible presumption by the readers that the characters are having sex.

Concurrently with Lady Constance's introduction, Baxter is, for the first time, an overbearing figure and enemy to Lord Emsworth's way of life. Most crucially, we see from their first scene that Lady Constance dotes on him and is an essential part of maintaining his power over Lord Emsworth. They feed off each other, with Baxter performing the hour-to-hour micromanagement and repairing to Lady Constance as enforcer whenever Lord Emsworth tries to assert himself. In Something Fresh he was acting to protect (what he assumed was) Lord Emsworth's property, with some justifiable personal investment in the Blandings museum, which Lord Emsworth happily left in his care. In Leave it to Psmith, he's setting Lord Emsworth's schedule and making him do things he hates. He "suggests" to Lady Constance that Lord Emsworth should go to meet one of her guests in London while the weather is nice at Blandings. Then when Lord Emsworth protests, Baxter counters that he couldn't possibly take responsibility for canceling the trip. Lord Emsworth would have to take it up with Lady Constance! In Summer Lightning and The Crime Wave At Blandings, we see the same repeating pattern of Lady Constance (sharing some traits with Ethel Wodehouse) trying to reintroduce him as a fixture in the household, where he threatens to plague the life out of Lord Emsworth, with whom Wodehouse himself identified the most out of any of his characters. In his final appearance, 1939's Uncle Fred in the Springtime, he's only there visiting with his new employer, and by all accounts, Denby had basically faded out of the Wodehouse household by then.

Now, obviously this isn't a one to one match; Wodehouse was happily married, whereas Lord Emsworth and Lady Constance are siblings who basically hate each other, and while Wodehouse admitted to hating all the same responsibilities Lord Emsworth hates, he clearly had a sense of humor about Lord Emsworth's total lack of interest in playing the host, reading his mail, or doing any of his duties as an earl. He understands that Lady Constance is tasked with a lot in keeping the household up to snuff, and that Baxter is perfectly capable of thriving under a more conventional employer. All I'm suggesting is that Wodehouse may have been drawing on certain minor frustrations when he was crafting these storylines, and that if so, we can make sense out of Lady Constance's attitude toward Baxter. From Summer Lightning on, she is indistinguishable from a woman in love, but there's no acknowledgment in the text that her behavior is odd in any way. She is not textually in love, but neither is it ever said that she thinks of him as a son, or a close platonic friend. If she were a man in her forties being described as "a devoted admirer" of a young female employee, and moreover, making repeated desperate attempts to get her back into his home on a permanent basis, there would be little question of what's going on. If it were genuinely platonic, we would have to be reassured of that in the text, and probably other characters would still make assumptions about their relationship. But Lady Constance's nearest and dearest have no reaction to Lady Constance announcing, "I shall never feel easy in my mind until Mr. Baxter is back in his old place," or, "Mr. Baxter was the most wonderfully capable man I ever met." When she turns scarlet upon hearing him insulted, nobody sees this as strange, even though he's a mere former employee whom she knew for eighteen months, during which time she was married. There's nothing questionable about her speaking to him alone in her boudoir, as happens on several occasions.

Now, in A Damsel in Distress (1919), we see an earlier form of the eventual Blandings ensemble, slightly refined from their actual first appearances in Something Fresh. Lord Marshmoreton is bossed around by his sister Lady Caroline, whereas Lord Emsworth would not acquire Lady Constance until Leave it to Psmith in 1923. Lord Marshmoreton is also afflicted by an efficient, bespectacled secretary, in his case one Alice Faraday. Alice considers Lady Caroline an ally in corralling Lord Marshmoreton, but they have no close relationship, and she later doubts whether Lady Caroline has spoken to her directly even a dozen times. Once Alice is safely married off to his step-nephew (long story), Lord Marshmoreton immediately moves to install a more agreeable secretary: Billie Dore, a sensible young actress who shares his passion for roses and gardening. And in this case, there's certainly an ulterior motive in his wish to have a certain young person under his roof: they too end up married by the end of the book. In The Small Bachelor, Mrs. Waddington (yet another of Wodehouse's formidable stepmother characters!) has one Lord Hunstanton as a sort of pseudo-Baxter: he's a young man she keeps around the household because she admires his title and upper class English manners. He, meanwhile, is one of Wodehouse's dude characters--the Waddington family means free meals, so he's happy to hang about, impressing their guests and serving as a general ornament. He and Mrs. Waddington are not having an affair, but the text addresses what people are liable to assume. At the climax of the story, Mrs. Waddington and Lord Hunstanton are discovered locked in an apartment together, after a standard Wodehousean scheme-gone-wrong. Despite their innocence, the rest of the cast comes to certain conclusions, and because it's a 1920s comedy, they can't argue their way out of it. There's no acceptable reason for an unmarried man and woman to be alone in a room together. This is the tool Wodehouse uses to end Mrs. Waddington's tyranny over her stepdaughter and the main hero. She can no longer stand in the way of their marriage. Her outraged husband finally seizes authority of the household, and dismisses Lord Hunstanton from said household--though in passing, it doesn't seem like Mr. Waddington ever suspected any infidelity before this. Mrs. Waddington's attitude towards Lord Hunstanton was never remarkably affectionate.

So as far as I can tell, Baxter and Lady Constance are unique among all the cross-sex relationships in Wodehouse. There are others with similar constructions, but only in this case is the relationship one of such intensity, only in this case does it recur through several stories, and only in this case is there such an unspoken assumption that absolutely no one has reason to suspect anything. In part this is because younger men are not expected to pursue older women. Women are considered to have a sell-by date; fictional men are not generally considered targets to be pursued by a viewpoint character, and if they are, then that viewpoint is presumed to be a young woman. And in the case of Baxter and Lady Constance specifically, they exist in order to be the disapproving forces who prevent cross-class relationships from happening. They're too strict and censorious for the audience to think they could be having a physical affair behind the scenes. Even if Baxter didn't show interest in "Myra Schoonmaker", proving that he has his sights set on a suitable marriage, it would just be impossible for these characters to imagine such a thing.

But it is possible that they could have a romantic interest in one another. Baxter is self-involved to the extreme; he does not fall in love at first sight in the way Wodehouse's wholesome young men do; but he is capable of thoughts that are "softer", as we are told objectively by the narrator, and looks that are, at least in intention, "admiring, almost loving". This on the basis of several hours' acquaintance with the false Miss Schoonmaker. So it's not out of the question that he could feel something for the woman who provokes the vast majority of his positive feelings in canon. It's very rare that Baxter--at least when we see him--is feeling anything but suspicious or irritated, but in those few moments where he approves of something or is said to be gladdened or feeling relief, it's related to Lady Constance.

(Incidentally, the other individuals who prompt positive feelings are Eve Halliday (briefly considers her pretty), the undercover detective in Leave it to Psmith (considers her reliable), J. Horace Jevons ("this golden-hearted Chicagoan"), Sue Brown ('nuff said), and, surprisingly, Uncle Fred, Pongo and Polly, whom he evaluates as pleasant and pretty, respectively, before their true menace is revealed.)

So why is this possibility never, ever questioned by anyone? These are two deeply snobbish people separated by class and (lack of) wealth. Lady Constance marries two commoners, but they're both multi-millionaires, which Baxter is not. Rupert Baxter the character would certainly want heirs to his name that Lady Constance can no longer provide, and no doubt his instincts as a secretary would revolt at jeopardizing his career by marrying a former employer's sister. There's also the fact that they've already spent eighteen months under the same roof, and she was married to someone else the entire time. Even today, that fact would excite comment if they later became involved.

But why is it so completely impossible that there might be even a one-sided interest between them? Why is it not even seen as worthy of debunking within the story? The closest we get is Baxter's interest in Sue Brown, whom he marks down as the future Mrs Baxter shortly after his friendship with Lady Constance is really developed on screen. But still, we are not told, "There was nothing between him and Lady Constance, and there never would be, because they saw each other as [fill in the platonic blank]."

To my mind, the best explanation is that they were modeled off a relationship where no form of sex or exclusive relationship was ever on the table to begin with. Ethel Wodehouse's young men were there for flirting and company at social events, no more. Denby was the only one who stayed around for very long. So what does Lady Constance want from Baxter, aside from doing his job? Why is it so important, during that stretch between Leave it to Psmith and The Crime Wave at Blandings, that he and no one else should be Lord Emsworth's secretary? She wants him around to dote on and gush over, with the assurance that they have a special kind of relationship he shares with no one else; more intense than a patron and her protege, but not an outright romance. It's a crush that can be indulged because there is no possibility of anything more, because those were the terms Wodehouse accepted in his own marriage.

Noel Bushnell, in his 2015 essay "The Rodney Spelvin Theory", suggested that Wodehouse's short story Jane Gets off the Fairway was a way of admonishing Ethel for overstepping with Denby, and it does seem likely that it could have been a way of venting. But from what I've read, it seems clear that Wodehouse was fully aware of Ethel's flirtations, and in fact facilitated and encouraged them. McCrum recounts a sit-down he had with one of them in the early stages of his involvement with the household:

Rodney Spelvin is definitely closer than Baxter to the man Bobby Denby seems to have been; less puritanical middle manager and more ladies' man. (I think it should be noted, though, that Rodney is later rehabilitated through the holy power of golf, and even brought into the family by marrying William's sister Anastasia.)

There must have been a line somewhere in the Wodehouse marriage, because Ethel was furious about Wodehouse's own affair with a chorus girl named Fleur Marsden, which she discovered after finding a receipt for a Tiffany bracelet in the trash. Again, it's not clear what constituted "an affair", but it must have been crossing some boundary if he hid it from her. Wodehouse was introduced to Fleur by Guy Bolton, who laughingly referred to the affair as "Plum's one wild oat", so it may have been sexual, or Bolton may simply have assumed that everyone worked like him.

Considering that both the Jane-Rodney and Baxter-Lady Constance relationships are devoid of sex, I think it's less that Wodehouse "looked the other way", as some have put it, and more that the Wodehouses had an open marriage, only without the sex. If my theory is correct that Baxter reflects Bobby Denby to a certain degree, that would explain both circumstances, the Wodehouse marriage and the Baxter-Lady Constance relationship. Because sex and a full-fledged romantic relationship are so thoroughly off the table for these two fictional characters, it must also have been a firmly understood boundary within the Wodehouse marriage, to the degree that Wodehouse thought it was self-evident that no such relationship could ever exist between Baxter and Lady Constance.

As to Baxter vanishing from the Blandings stories after being a fairly major player from the beginning, I've discussed that elsewhere. Critics have explained this by saying that he was a more realistic character who didn't fit into the farces that Wodehouse wanted to write, but he serves very well in some of the best farces, so I think it's more a combination of factors:

1. A character with his cannot believably be stuck on Blandings forever, and we see that by his last appearance in Uncle Fred in the Springtime, he's moved on, and also moved up in the world by finding employment with a Duke. He won't go lower, either, and there's nowhere higher to take him without giving the character real power.

2. He and Galahad are like oil and water, and Gally really becomes the main viewpoint character after Springtime. They just can't be written in direct opposition, because if Baxter takes a domineering attitude, which he always does, Gally will kick immediately where Ashe, Psmith, Uncle Fred, have all been content to toy with Baxter in ways that extend the plot. Note that in their one shared book, Summer Lightning, Gally and Baxter never speak to one another directly, and they're carefully oriented so they never have reason to concentrate on each other for too long.

3. In one of Wodehouse's diary entries from prison camp (printed in Donaldson's biography), he says that the main Kommandant "thinks everyone a crook--like Baxter". This is the only reference to any of his characters that I've seen in that diary, and it identifies Baxter with a very major player in Wodehouse's personal misery. He finished Uncle Fred just before he and Ethel were captured at Le Touquet, and Baxter never appears again.

However, it's also true that:

4. Bobby Denby was also out of their lives and household at this point, though he popped back up briefly in the 40s. In his final appearance, Baxter is no longer trying to get back into Blandings, and he's only there as someone else's employee. Something about his writing is only half-developed: he suddenly skips out on work to go to a fancy dress ball, with no explanation given for this departure from character until Wodehouse modified the plot for the abridged version. Lady Constance has no reaction to this strange behavior, and finally Baxter is forcibly removed from the plot with knockout drops, taken on very dubious advice from a known impostor. He's absent from the rest of the book, never seen again, and not even mentioned until decades later in Service With a Smile, where we learn briefly that he's working for a millionaire in Pittsburgh. All in all, his deployment is half-hearted, and runs counter to several well-established character traits. Coupled with the fact that there are about five different heavies by the end of the book--it feels like Wodehouse didn't have much inspiration left for Baxter.

Lady Constance has also abandoned her secretary quest in Springtime. In Service With a Smile, she's engaged Lavender Briggs, whom we're told is actually better at her job than Baxter--and thus worse. The sum total of Lady Constance's reaction to her? "Thank you, Miss Briggs." That's it. One sentence. None of the raptures that Baxter used to inspire. There's a new autocrat who makes his way into Lord Emsworth's household through her, in the form of the Duke of Dunstable, but in his case we are told the romance between them is dead and never coming back. And in one book she and the narrator actually forget it ever happened 🤪. She's also willing to be deeply annoyed by the Duke; as soon as he arrives, his presence becomes a negative for both her and Lord Emsworth. Clearly there was something special about Baxter, and by 1939 in our world, that something had vanished. Was that something also present in Wodehouse's own life, a uniquely annoying member of the home who operated with the authority of the female head of household, and could not be directly opposed by the hapless and non-confrontational male? I've begun to think the answer is yes.

[social-muffin]

I know you said for anyone, but tbh I really like hearing you talk about anyone so it's so hard to decide aaaa. So I present you 4 options, Hibari and skull of course, But I want to shake your head and see if you got anything mukuro and xanxus(you don't have to do all 4 just at your discretion). 🦾����👻👽

Thank you so so so so much for asking!! I send an Ask to you in return! 💞

This got looooong! Because I did answer for everyone. Hope you enjoy!! :3

Read More time!

🦾 A disability headcanon

Skull

Skull is giving me all sorts of vibes for Adhd and Dyslexia. The Adhd cause canonically that guy is not sitting still or paying attention. And to specify his dyslexia! He is absolutely multilingual. It's just that he is at completely different levels of being able to read or write depending on the language. He still can't write anything in Italian without making people around him act embarrassed on his behalf, but he can navigate around using streetsigns when he takes the time to read them properly!

Skull also has memory issues every now and then, because his ADHD is accompanied by occasional dissociation.

Hibari

This guy has Autism as well as misophonia I think. Autism because Namimori is his special interest, fighting is his hyperfixation, he stimms via pacing/patrolling, he does not get social cues and if you so much as touch his schedule/routine he will probably kick you through the nearest wall. Misophonia is just additional sound sensitivity. As in, he is unable to not focus on uncomfortable sounds. Hibari dislikes crowding because he can't deal with the sounds people's bodies make when they're eating and talking. It's distracting.

Also Fun Fact! Apparently, Misophonia is also called Sound-rage. That suits him nicely I think. :3

Xanxus

I am shaking my brain, so let's see!

Excluding the last Arc cause. The guy just really lost that, huh.

I'm thinking... PTSD at the very least. Whether he was aware during the time he was frozen or not, that whole thing is severely traumatizing and I think he suffers flashbacks whenever he gets chilly at least. Winter at the Varia mansion is absolutely heck.

Also... I think for a while after he was unfrozen, Xanxus suffers from involuntary age regression(A symptom, not a disability itself). Whether it's the trauma of being frozen or of suddenly waking up eight years older, he was not acting his physical age. In fact, I think the Varia Arc is a bit of a childish tantrum on his end. Hope he gets better soon. 😔

Mukuro

Yea, he also has PTSD. From his childhood as well as the Vindice prison. And he is blind in his red eye, at most he can differentiate light and dark on that side. He has insomnia because he doesn't want to wake up back in his cell. And I think the lives he's lived and the fact illusions are his whole deal, gives him a very similar experience to schizophrenia. 100%, this guy has scared himself with unintended/involuntary illusions on more than one occasion.

💄 An appearance headcanon

Hibari

His entire body is covered with all sorts of scars. Tiny ones, as well as a scar that spams the entire lenght of his thigh. He has gotten incredibly good at makeup to cover the visible scars, because he doesn't know what to tell people that ask questions. He also has miniscule scars on his face because... Have you see how messed up he gets in Canon??? Multiple times??? Like, yes sure, with some makeup, there is no visible difference, but he feels a pang of regret and annoyance when he looks at himself first thing in the morning.

Skull

His hair and eyes are flame dyed and nobody except him knows! Skull was born with bright, almost platinum blond hair and light blue eyes. When he went flame active, ways before he got any kind of fame, his purple got everywhere actually. Skull likes the colour tho, so he never felt the need to do anything about it lmao. There is one story cooking in my brain in which Skull gradually desaturated because of the curse and it pisses him off...

Also tattoos and piercings. Everywhere.

Xanxus

Pre freeze, he was often called handsome. Post freeze, he does not get nearly that many compliments. He thinks it's cause he's ugly now, but it's really just because he is more aggressive and visibly hate-filled. Eventually, his guardians start paying him random compliments, just because. It makes Xanxus feel a little better I like to think.

Oh also! Pre freeze he had a lot of moles all over his body. The scars cover some of them now, but not all, especially on his back.

(XS headcanon: Squalo likes finding/seeing stuff in his scars and moles like Xanxus's back is some messed up Version of the night sky. Xanxus will never admit that it makes him feel so pretty.)

Mukuro

Mukuro actually likes his blue eye better. That colour is so rich and beautiful... Sometimes he likes to just Illusion his red eye back to that blue, because it makes him feel pretty. Also he has all the gender. Whether or not he has boobs is a day-to-day decision, really.

👻 A headcanon about what scares them

For this one I googled phobia names UwU

Hibari

He has Agoraphobia (fear of enclosed, crowded spaces) and this fear expresses itself with a desire to brawl. He also has mild entomophobia (insects), which I headcanon because it'd be hilarious if Hibari saw a bug and jumped cause that startled him.

Hibari also has Mazeophobia (fear of getting lost) but he deals with that by just always having some kind of a map of the area on him. Needing an up to date map on his person, is why it sometimes takes him a few days to get to a battle (Simon Arc). Otherwise, he's fearless/has no good sense of self preservation.

Skull

Skull suffers from Athazagoraphobia (fear of being ignored, forgotten or forgetting someone) which heavily contributes to how annoying people perceive him to be. It also makes his memory issues worse to deal with for him. Skull has gotten into the habit of dedicating tattoos or piercings he gets to people he knows and likes. He never tells the person, but he likes having a reminder constantly on himself.

Skull also likes to say he has a rational fear of weapons and violence.

Xanxus

Xanxus has to deal with Cryophobia (fear of cold). This fear expresses itself through rage, naturally. If you see him shivering and looking irritated... Run.

Xanxus also has a mild case of Autophobia (fear of being alone/abandoned). This stems from his childhood, because when his mother handed him over to Timoteo, he did feel abandoned by her. This fear would express itself through a wave of sadness though. If his guardians abandoned him, Xanxus would be so hurt. May react angrily, but there is so much grief behind that anger.

Also Xanxus has Cleithrophobia (fear of being trapped). Because again, he was trapped in a popsicle for a while. If ever he was affected by temporary paralysis during battle, he would not be okay afterwards.

Mukuro

Mukuro deals with Atelophobia (fear of being imperfect) because I imagine as he was experimented on, he was punished for imperfections. It's not a paralysing fear of his, but it is something that's in the back of his mind as he schemes in his day-to-day life. He prefers making plans that cannot fail.

He also has Agoraphobia (fear of enclosed spaces). Yes, just like Kyoya, which I find amusing. For different reasons, but still. In Mukuro's case because he was in a glass tube for months at least, in Hibari's case because enclosed spaces are easily crowded and he doesn't like that. Mukuro's fear is more intense than Kyoya's. He will destroy anything and anyone that tries to keep him confined anywhere.

Also Mukuro has Pistanthrophobia (fear of trusting others) because why else would he act like he doesn't love his gang. He is terrified that they would use his trust against him, so he tries not to develop trust. But that's so difficult when people are so genuine and consistent....

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs

Hibari

If you can't find him anywhere and it's late evening, check in the alleyway next to Takesushi's. He is probably holding open the dumpster there for stray cats. Yes, that routinely gets him whacked with Tsuyoshi's broom. He will do it anyway.

Skull

Skull is pretty gullible, which makes him susceptible to common superstitions! If you tell him doing something weird wards off bad luck or brings good luck, he will do that thing before his next stunt! One time Skull threw salt over his shoulder before a mission and that hit Reborn in the face. Which caused outrage. Every Arco called Reborn salty for the rest of that week lmao

Xanxus

Xanxus sleeps with three blankets and five pillows because he likes being cozy. And warm. He likes being warm above all else. The Varia routinely give him more blankets, just in case. One time all of Xanxus's blankets were destroyed by an attack and all of the Varia slept without blankets that night cause Xanxus stole theirs as revenge.

Mukuro

The weirdest quirk Mukuro has is probably that he has one completely ordinary hobby. So.... Mukuro's favourite past time is bowling. Because when he was way wayyyy little that was a family member's favourite thing to watch on TV. Mukuro doesn't actually remember why he likes bowling so much.

[that-gay-jedi]

Soo I moved away from 12 step adjacent self help stuff a long time ago bc tbh the ideology behind them is total bunk, but I did take one very very good lesson from the ones I experimented with and that is that doing the thing(s) NEVER feels as good as you remember it.

I'm sure for many people that's a substance they know hurts their body and/or their lives in some way, but for me sometimes it's indulging in schadenfreude when people fuck themselves over through the same thought and behavioural patterns that led them to hurt me in the past.

I know a lot about living well (or even simply surviving) as being a greater victory than revenge, but occasionally I still give in to that impulse to look for some kind of justice where there is none. Then I might let a mutual friend tell me about it instead of declining the chance to gossip, or read a post from someone I should've just blocked and forgotten about, or whatever, and whenever I do it's just... not as good as that spiteful part of me said it would be.

When the little brain-devil is sitting on my shoulder, I remember vindication as repairing some of the damage that seeing such people step on others with no recourse has done to my relationship to the world and to life itself. Maybe there was a time when it actually did help me reconcile with the apologies I never got, but if it ever did, it doesn't anymore.

It always goes one of two ways. Either the person starts to get a clue and become a better person, in which case I don't even want them to suffer anymore, or they don't realize the connection at all, and then in a way no matter what befalls them it still feels like they did all the shitty things with total impunity bc they still get to think they were in the right.

Turns out that no matter which side the coin lands on, more suffering in the world is just more suffering in the world.

I do still feel good when some CEO, politician or celeb growing rich and powerful on the suffering of others dies, and I likely will when my first abuser dies as well as some individuals whose harm to me was tied in to bigoted ideologies that are still a threat- but only because it makes the world a safer place. And if instead of dropping dead they just acquire more and more self-curses and/or fall off a ladder and break their everybone or something, they're still around to continue doing more harm.

While I unequivocally believe there are people so cruel that it would be a net good if they randomly dropped dead, the thing is that it doesn't undo any of the damage they did before they dropped dead. I don't know why I ever expected it to.