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elvensorceress · 9 hours ago

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sunday snippet

I meant to have this fic done ages ago but it's now somehow three times as long as it was, I've rewritten it five times, and I'm still working on it 🫠 oh well. have a snippet from snickerdoodles.

@tizniz @hippolotamus @eddiebabygirldiaz @daffi-990 @exhuastedpigeon @spotsandsocks @kejfeblintz @smilingbuckley @sofa-king-lame @chaosandwolves @smilingbuckley @belasmalhotra @bekkachaos @blutterlie @sazanahashi @livinginsunnyhell @epicbuddieficrecs @sparklespiff @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @dangerpronebuddie continued from Wednesday

Eddie tries again, but still sounds rough and hollowed out. “I don’t want to drag you down. Okay? You should move on and forget me and— and it’ll be better.”

Not so much for Eddie. He’s never let go of anything in his life. It’s all there hiding under the surface, stuffed in cages. But Buck should move on. Buck should survive him.

Is this their only future? It feels like losing everything. Eddie is losing everything. He’s kidding himself if he thinks he hasn’t already lost Chris. What if Eddie doesn’t survive this time? What will happen to everyone he loves? Everyone who loves him?

Does anyone love him? Does he mean anything to anyone? Has he ever meant anything?

“Forget— I should forget you?” Buck snaps, his anger un-contained fire now, not just a hint of smoldering kindling. Vicious, spitting, sparking, living flames that will turn everything to ashes.

Maybe they should actually fight and say awful things and then it would be easier to walk away.

Eddie’s not sure he could even manage that right now. There’s nothing left in him. No fight, no fire. It’s all shattered, scattered pieces. But he would try. If Buck needs that.

He might need that. He snaps again, “Like you’re a pair of socks that disappeared in the laundry? Or something I meant to pick up at the store and spaced? Like it’s easy? Like you’re nothing? Like this? Us? You and me? Means nothing?”

Okay, when he puts it that way… it sounds dumb. But how else can Eddie stop hurting him? “No,” Eddie says. Not fiery, not loud, not anything. “No. Just. Something that doesn’t—”

“You're my best friend. You— you’re— I’ll let you go. Okay. Whatever. I’ll do that because I know you and I know you need Chris and I get it. I wouldn’t want you to do anything but love him exactly the way you do. But I won’t, will not and can not pretend that you aren’t my best friend and my partner and the person I love more than anything. All right? I’m not going to do that. I’ve spend years—literal— almost a whole decade of years loving you more than anything. I’m not going to just forget that or forget you. I’m not throwing that way. I’m not ever going to lie and say otherwise. This is not a ‘move on and grow out of it’ scenario. I love you more than anything in the world. Okay? You told me I wasn’t expendable and I had to deal with that so you have to deal with this. You mean everything to me and I love you, and that isn’t going to change even when you leave.”

“—hurt you,” Eddie finishes. It doesn’t really sound finished now. He says it because he was already saying it.

But that the fuck does he say now?

Eddie doesn’t usually think of himself as small, quiet, or fragile. But he feels like that now. His feeble words sound like it even in his own ears. Small. Inconsequential. Torn apart.

Buck steps back toward him. Not enough that they’re touching, but enough that they’re closer. “Hurt me. Drag me down. I don’t care.”

Eddie recoils. No. No, he hates that idea. He is not doing that. Not intentionally. Not. What the fuck.

He knows he said the words. He said them because his mother said them and they stuck and haven’t left his head or his heart and it’s all he does. Ruin people he loves.

Buck shakes his head. “Be in the way. Burden me. Share whatever weight you’re carrying. Be something that stays even if you’re not here. Be part of my life even if it hurts. I don’t care if it hurts, I need you to be something to me. Having nothing of you would be a hundred, thousand, million times worse. I am in this with you. I always have been. Don’t shut me out just to spare me. If you’re facing the fire, I want to be right there with you. Please don’t make me lose everything of you. Please don’t— please. Don’t pretend this is nothing. I can take you leaving, I can’t take this,” he motions between them, “meaning nothing.”

Eddie stares and doesn’t move. And stares harder like it will help him understand.

He knows he’s breathing still because there’s air.

Maybe he’s not breathing. But something is making air flow in and out of his body. Like rescue breaths? Supplemental oxygen? It’s not Eddie doing it, he’s not taking in air, but it happens anyway.

He doesn’t understand. Maybe he never has. Maybe his brain stopped processing information when he stopped breathing because the brain can’t function without oxygen. Something like that. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t.

Buck wants something of him even after everything? After all the people who have walked out on him and treated him like he doesn’t matter? Even with how Eddie fails and hurts people who care about him? He means something to Buck? Even though he’s hurting him and abandoning him and losing him? Eddie’s just another person who leaves him. He can’t hurt Buck. He can’t keep doing it. Buck doesn’t deserve this. And Eddie deserves no loyalty, no forgiveness.

He doesn’t deserve anyone’s love. Not in any form. He shouldn’t have it. He’s never had it.

“I don’t—” Eddie tries to say. He has to say. He has to make the words come out. “I don’t want to hurt you the way Abby hurt you. I don’t want to do that.”

Buck shakes his head again and starts to say something.

Eddie beats him to it. “I know it’s not the same. I know I’m not— I know you don’t— It’s different. Still. I know how she hurt you, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t know how to not do that. I’m leaving you here. In my house. Just like she did when she left you. And I have to—” Do the same fucking thing? Give him up? Walk away? Destroy everything they made together? And maybe the only way to survive is to do what Eddie does best and ruin everything?

He looks back at Buck and doesn’t mean to say it. He wasn’t going to say anything. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. He should be mean and nasty and he should tell Buck he means nothing, this means nothing, and then Buck can just be justifiably angry and hate Eddie properly.

And it would spare him. Whatever pain and tragedy that is associated with being near Eddie. It would spare Buck.

That’s what he should do.

That would be mercy and kindness. Pick up the weapon and blow this all to hell.

Eddie can’t breathe. He can’t do this. Any of it.

He can’t let go. He can’t lose Buck.

And then he’s suddenly confessing, “I don’t want to do this."

It’s too late. It’s always too late. And what he actually wants has never mattered. He doesn’t matter. He never has. He twists his hands together and has nothing else to hold onto. It’s too late, so none of this matters. Eddie doesn’t matter. But he meets Buck’s lost gaze, stares into his eyes for three seconds, and he can’t keep it in.

“I want to be with Chris. I miss him so much. Every minute of every day. But I don't want to leave here. I don't want this. But it doesn't matter what I want. It never has. The one time I said, 'What about me? Why didn't you think of me?' Chris left. He left because I hurt him. And my dad says, ‘don’t wait thirty years to listen to your son.’ So I listen. I don’t know what the hell else to do. I listen, and I do what all of them ask. Even when it’s the last thing I want and I’ve already said, no, please stop, I need more time, please hear me. They don’t listen to me. I’m still nothing to every single one of them. And I just keep thinking why don’t I ever count? Why don’t I matter even a little bit?

"You think you aren't everything to me, too? Do you think that I don't love you just as much as you love me? But I don’t get to pick you. I don’t get to have anything of you. I hurt everyone I try to love including you and Chris. I’m not enough for anyone, in any way. I can’t love anyone the way they need or the way I’m supposed to. You say you’re defective parts, well I’m fucking broken.

"That’s why you should forget me. I don’t matter. You shouldn’t care. I should mean nothing because I am nothing. I’m not worth this. If I were a better, stronger person, I’d make you hate me. But I can’t even do that. I don’t want to hurt you more. I have to lose you and I don’t know how to lose you. I love you more than anything and it’s not enough. I don’t know what else to do but say, you should move on and forget me.”

Eddie turns away and covers his face, tries to hold his head because it’s aching. It’s too much. That was too much. He’s not supposed to be falling apart. Everything is supposed to be getting better.

Shards of ice crack and fracture and break underneath him. Everything in the cage around his ribs snaps and he’s crying into his hands, trying to keep it together. Trying and failing. Always failing. His face is already wet. He was already broken. A long time ago. So many times.

Buck is suddenly behind him. Not distant. Close behind him. He touches Eddie’s back gently and then steps around until he’s standing in front of him. He reaches between them and rests his hand on Eddie’s chest. As if he can stop the never-ending bleeding that’s somehow always pouring from Eddie’s heart. “You are enough, Eddie. You’re more than enough."

#buddie #*love confessions of angsty yelling*#yes I gave them a ‘you matter to me’ moment what of it #I said this was heavily inspired by my obsession with the Waitress musical…#you were warned #fic: snickerdoodles of longing #snippet sunday #seven sentence sunday #jenwyn wip #buddie wip

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spotsandsocks · 4 hours ago

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What's My Flavour ? 8K

Buck settles down in LA and opens a juice bar across the street from a well established coffee shop called Diaz Brews. The owner is not particularly impressed by either his new neighbor or juice in general.

Juice puns, grumpy Eddie and the inevitable happen.

Buck watches his sister spin in a circle, her brown eyes wide as she takes in the four walls of the shop he’s just bought.

Turning back to face him the smile on her face ignites one on his own and Buck recognises the warm feeling in his chest as love and pride. Maddie closes the distance between them until she’s snug in his arms, her own arms wrapped tightly around his waist and squeezing. Resting his chin on her head he lets his gaze drift. It’s taken a while to find the right place for them but he has a good feeling about this. It’s the right choice for him, for them.

“I’m really excited about this, Maddie.” He feels her chuckle against his chest then she leans away to look up at him.

“Me too Evan. It’s going to be perfect.”

Buck detangles himself from his sister and bounces off to one side of the room.

“I thought counter here.” His arms gesture wildly then he spins pointing at the wall, “menus up there.” He circles her beaming, “tables and seats this way. Some fridges for the ready made juices once we know what’s gonna be most popular and here.” He stops by a different wall and circles his hands over the floor.

“I thought we could have a kids area, do it up for drawings and maybe do story time sometimes so the parents can relax and stuff.

He blushes at Maddie’s soft smile, “What? You know I love kids.”

She crosses to him and hugs him again. “I know you do and you're just a big kid yourself.”

She laughs at his put upon sigh, “Come on Mads I’m a responsible business owner now.”

She laughs again and it’s so good to see her happy. He really thinks it’s the best decision they’ve made in the last three years of traveling to come to LA and open a juice bar together. He knows Maddie wants to settle down and he wants whatever makes her happy. He really thinks this could be it.

A week later the renovations are well under way the juice bar that’s going to be his future taking shape. It’s exciting the only thing he still needs to decide on is a name, he’s been throwing ideas out at Maddie working on his juice puns with variable success.

Right now they’re taking a break, grabbing a coffee from a shop opposite them, he’s brought a list of ideas that he’s been working on because Maddie had discarded his most recent idea ‘Juice do it’ yesterday.

They sit at the table and he flips open his pad. “Sooooo.”

His sister groans, “Buck, I’m not sure I’m strong enough for more juice puns today. Maybe you should try and think of something different. Maybe just Buckley Juices.”

“Seriously Mads that’s so boring who names their business after themselves, someone with no imagination that’s who. Dull people Maddie. Dull boring people do that and I am not dull!”

At just that moment their coffees are delivered to their table and his is placed down rather firmly, liquid sloshing up the sides but not actually spilling over.

Buck looks up to say thank you to their server despite the clumsy delivery and finds himself staring into a pair of brown eyes. The guy would be handsome if he wasn’t frowning down at him. Buck's smile drops away. Not particularly friendly service here, he probably won’t come back in a hurry. Coffee’s bad for you anyway, he’s been planning on cutting down. The server turns and leaves without a word. He pushes the handsome stranger from his mind and refocuses.

“How about “The Main Squeeze? Squeeze The Day?”

He looks at his notes. “or Perfect- Juice the way you are.”

keep reading

#buddie #spotty scribbles #eddie diaz #evan buckley #911 abc #buddie fic #juice bar!au #Eddie x buck #911fic #911 fic #evan buck buckely #buddie au

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my-castles-crumbling · 2 days ago

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The worst thing that could happen while flirting happened.

For context I am a lesbian. I am gay for the girls. Sapphic. Girl kisser. Whatever the fuck you want to call it

Well I was at a school dance with a few of my friends and they were urging me to flirt since I had recently had a BAD break up. And im like fuck it why not.

So I see this person in the corner right. And they are STUNNING. 100% my type. They have sort curly hair a beautiful face, not wearing too much make up and with a hourglass figure. My friends point them out immediately and tell me I should try my luck out with them. I agree they're cute and go over.

I go over to them and I start to flirt and they flirt back. And we're vibing. So I introduce myself. And then they introduce themselves with a unique masculine name.

My dumbass still does not get it so im like oh that's a unique name how did your parents end up giving it to you etc

And they're like I named myself I'm trans.

Fuck.

So I freeze up. And now obviously I don't want to keep pursuing him since hes not a woman. Maybe I should have stuck around found another excuse and left in a bit but in my sock I blurted out sth along the lines of "oh i thought you were a woman!"

I feel awful about it. The way his face fell- he looked like he was about to cry. Add to everything else that I look like what youd imagine a stereotypical straight woman to look like he probably thought he was passing and I was straight.

I tried to apologise to him but he and his friends left soon after and he's been avoiding me at school

I don't know what to do

new anon.

Awwwwww

I mean...okay, what you said was a bit of a foot-in-the-mouth situation, definitely. But I feel like your mental reaction was actually quite a good thing. Because like...some people might still pursue him because they don't see him as a boy, you know?

So yeah, I think if you see him again, you could apologize and if he seems receptive, try to explain your reaction was because you see him as a boy and so you were figuring that out in your mind. but I wouldn't over apologize, either. Like accept that he probably needs time. As shitty as it feels, you probably upset him and the best thing you can do in that situation is give him space. You can use this to try to learn from your reaction for if this happens again in the future.

But also like...people say dumb shit sometimes. Don't beat yourself up forever. It sounds like it was a mistake, so learn from it, try to apologize, and promise yourself to do better in the future <3

naming you stripes anon

#asks #ask #ask cas #stripes anon

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soranatus · 8 months ago

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When Jedi come together, we do incredible things.

Keeve Trennis in Star Wars: The High Republic

#star wars #thr #hr #The High Republic #High Republic #Star Wars the High Republic #keeve trennis #my edit #comicedit #starwarsedit #swedit #swblr #swsource #starwarsblr #I got a little experimental but I’m not sure I’m too happy with this #but whatever I can try again in the future maybe

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found--family · 9 months ago

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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?

#burcon #cockles #thoughts #at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish #he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf #at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand #if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being #in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure #that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate #i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period #letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to #affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing #and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who #she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face #during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh #but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land #and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out #and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm #looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they #mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace #while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me #everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that #learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments #i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel #if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage #and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt #a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him #misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af #and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...

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kenmaiii · 3 months ago

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how is your game dev going:O

hi hi! ^-^/ it's tedious time-consuming work but thinking about The OCs™ I lovingly made and people maybe liking them all one day is what drives me when i get lazy or wonder why im doing this fr.

honestly i always want to talk about em here, but there's a part of me that doesnt want to spoil too much or 'ruin' the surprise for others yknow?

i do have a gamedev account. i nvr shared it cuz i got shy, but for those that want little peeks and updates here and there youre free to follow -> @kendev

but overall there's been pretty good progress on art and writing. been trying to focus more-so on the writing for a good while though, it's hard when you get distracted easy and lack discipline </3 </3 </3 but its getting there!

better to try than not :] ty for the ask

#kenmail #honestly i havent posted much there in a long time. its mainly little doodles or textposts i think fit characters #with the occasional devlog or character sprite/color testing #the separate blog is bcuz idk how much constant updates and stuff would bug ppl here #like yeah i get it. its my account i can post whatever! but there are some excited abt the game who want to go in somewhat blind #so i was trying to consider that. like 'hm ok. ill just make an account dedicated to The Work and snippets' yknow #that way people have the choice to view it if they want. or even mute the blog i suppose.#besides i wanna make more games in the future!! i figure its best for general branding. keep all the games under one catalogue kinda(?)#like yay follow this account for xyz updates. u-u probably gonna have to be a name change in the future tho maybe?#unless i make a separate blog again 🤔 so many accounts tho it sounds like more work so who knows....

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lilowoof · 4 months ago

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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone #you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run #my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point #the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer #why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up #what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation #and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other #that might be fun #also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING #but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion #but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha #ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog #one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art #gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free #ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-

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clownov · 2 months ago

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hmm anyone else with 'severe mental illness' that will never fully go away just Constantly Embarrassed hahah just me hahah ok just me constantly seeing myself & my life from outside points of view & being embarrassed? haha not to be vulnerable or emotional but like

#way to often i have to like. beg for he #*help or a tax discount or whatever & it's like. haha yeah i know i know dw #i know what i look like i know how i look on paper #& i'm just laying it all out there again & again being like 'please believe me please help me'#like 'i know on paper my life looks kinda pathetic & like i'm constantly asking for help but pleeeease give me a 25% council tax reduction'#there;s a lot of things in my life that i love & i always try to look at the bright sides but sometimes i have to ask for help or something #& then i see myself from the outside & it's so embarrassing #the older i get the more i'm realising like oh maybe there won't be a point where i'm able to reach my potential #like maybe that future's not coming #& i can still have a rly good life!! & in a lot of ways i do!!! i feel greedy asking for more #but i'd love to not be agoraphobic for example #i love that i'm not rapid cycling anymore!! & maybe this new emdr therapist will fix everything ptsd related!!!#but i just can't accept where i am now becuase it's so fucking embarrassing #i know i'm strong but i look weak with all this brain weirdness #& i'd love to table at a comic convention one day aa i think if that happens i'll know it's something i can say like 'yeah BUT i tabled at #a comic comvention'#i table twice a year at a zine fest down the street & that's amazing & such a huge boost!!#my post

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gregoftom · 2 years ago

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awful, just awful

#succession #tomgreg #biting my pillow like that dog meme #where do i even begin with this TOM IS LIKE A SCHOOLBOY WITH GREG ITS ACTUALLY INSANE #he reverts to like 20 years younger from his emotional swings to his obvious crush #and his EXPRESSIONS THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE BY TALOS MY STOMACH IS IN MY ASS. MATTHEW!!!!!#his hurt at the thought that greg might somehow be trying to blackmail him again to just sadness because of greg's fear of going to jail #his downcast eyes as he says ''yeah'' SHUT the up #like yeah maybe he's reflecting on his own hurt and pain at the fact that he's going to jail and shiv handed him another rejection #just before. or maybe. he doesn't like hearing greg suffer like this. i mean. from what i know about later #that tom is fully prepared to go to jail and ''throw it all out for love'' or whatever tf for greg's sake #it's just. it's plausible is all i'll say. it's very plausible when we think about that future scene.#idk i just think that people refuse to hear when anyone would say tom is absolutely GASPING to love somebody. like yeah he's got issues #but who tf is well adjusted in this economy LMAOOO even in these rich fucks' worlds nobody is #so i know. i'm not stupid i know he can be nasty. but so can all of them. GREG WAS PREPARED TO SUE GREENPEACE AJDLAKDAD #i mean idk if he will. but my point is if tom wasn't like that he wouldn't be such a good character imo. if he was just a straight up #asshole. who would care if something bad happened to him? i wouldn't. something that makes him so compelling to me #is that he can be SO WRATHFUL AND MANIACAL #but he can be so. so fucking soft and vulnerable at the same time. and matthew plays him so organically i just wanna fuckin WEEP #and then GREG here. he wasn't even thinking about using a connection of any way to get ahead he just wants to be saved. he's still early 20s #i believe anyway. and tom has taken care of him. looked after him #protected him. he always listens to him. he's learned that tom is there for him so ofc he's gonna plead for help but like. not directly #''just asking for advice'' = i'm fucking terrified how do i make it stop help me #hoe but keep it fashion #SORRY GOD I KEEP DOING NOVELS IN THE TAGS BUT GODDDDDD THIS IS SO MUCH evyerhting is sos oafujfdmwkqfd #ok i'm stopping now but anyway. they're important to me. sorry. sorry bye

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dogearedheart · 5 months ago

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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to #i don't want to make people uncomfortable #and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane #it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions #and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any #of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you #it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done #such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical #and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt #of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything #i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not #visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness #is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow #i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace #i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie #life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do #this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals #and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting #them that was never my intention. i promise #so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about #you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to #navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate #the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people #not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too #I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking #brain of mine.

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phagodyke · 7 months ago

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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great

#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks #when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks #unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future #well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives #and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid #ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled #sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway #at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way #anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work #and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine #i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me #half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it #i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy #jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet #hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire #.vent #hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time

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elegyofthemoon · 10 months ago

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shaking excitedly and tiredly

#lien speaks #maybe im just being too in my head these days bc you know #lifes being weird and transition periods wack #but do you ever have a moment where things sorta seem to align well and suddenly its like a clear path opening in front of you?#like idk....#so many things connected to each other and opening up and im a little starryeyed about it tbh but jhdjdjs #im a little afraid that all those good things will come crashing eventually sjfjdjd #maybe the last year and several months have worn me down that im Not used to good things happening anymore gjjddjdjs #LIKE I WANT TO TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC AGAIN BC THATS WHAT MOST PEOPLE SEE ME AS #but i think its taking me a while to crawl back to who i was before #maybe its also that we can never go back anyways so trying to hold onto that idea is only more suffering #sighs....#but i just....#things are lining up and opportunities are opening #im just hoping that things will go my way #and these 6 months will be pleasant #whatever stresses come my way i hope ill let it pass #and i find myself happier than suffering the way i did the last year #that one quote thats like 'do not borrow grief for a future that hasnt happened yet'#or however it goes #sighsssssss #thisll probably be explained further on happy logs later tonight #just pls. plsplsplsplspls.

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fanofcarson · 2 years ago

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I haven’t been actively lately because I only just got internet and phone access where I’m staying rn and I finally have my new sim card in so I can have WIFI HALLELUJAH (I’m only supposed to have 1 hour phone time a day but no one needs to know heheheh)

Anyway I just wanted to say that I nearly died and I will still die and stand for Carson because he is amazing and a good person and season 6 isn’t in character but even if it was what happened to Thomas CLEARLY wasn’t even Carson’s fault and if you say it was then you SUCK and you’re WRONG!!! 😌 CARSON IS MY LIFE AMD MY WORLD AND THATS JUST SOMETHING FHAR YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!

#I’m so happy to have wifi back and I made plans w someone and talked to my mum one to one like a real person and everything’s been insane o #obviously like I was in the icu and now mental ward and it’s been some of the darkest most traumatic time of my life but after talking to th #the right ppl I feel hopeful again and like an entirely difffeernet person from this morning #random tmi life update #hopefully I’ll be able to draw something decent and I can post some Downton animals soon ☺️ lol #force everyone here to care about tiger carson <3 #still obsessed with him #weird stuff going ik this is weird but I like just got my internet and tumblr back and I’m like WHEEEEEEwWWWwwW #maybe there can br hope lifean da future for me #also probably the fucking shitton socktail of meds I’m on rn has something t di with it lol #i think I’m getting some more in. a bit but I’m gonna go to the art room or something and try to draw more or whatever #coz it’s too early to sleep and I’m bouncing with energy!#crazy like I couldn’t even walk by myself a couple days ago and now I’m like chatting with everyone and hyper ^~^#idk whether to say I feel good or bad at this point coz idk what either means anymore but #yeah like I need that seeet sweet therapy pls fix my BRAIN and the dr upped my meds so Horay that should help too #suicide mention #not rly but just being safe tagging #death mention #?#idk it. and be triggering though I know #like the topic I mean #anyway I stand by and live carson and if you blame him in any way for Thomas suicide I’ll personally kill you

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atenceladusiaawfytbwb · 7 months ago

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I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈

(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot

(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)

#I love AI as the behemoth it is #yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may #the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like #very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything #and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so #in a personal note #like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone #points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open #and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like #a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah #the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH #Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view #I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings #specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such #also all the very crimi al things #like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for #but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but #now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so #good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien #than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations #ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin #tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai #truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it #isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a #whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it #is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every #single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing #not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will #exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it #even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about

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