#but we'll see because I have terrible self control

[catboybiologist]

“As a biologist, the terms biological woman and man don’t make any sense to me” okay then you’re an idiot and a terrible biologist. I swear to god, morons like you only become biologists just so you can hold it over others, when in reality, if biology deniers like you can become biologists, then being one really doesn’t mean much anyway. But this probably just gave an autogynophile like you a boner to read, anyway.

Oh fun! Haven't gotten one of these in a while. Disregarding the fact that you somehow think the qualification for being a biologist entirely hinges on defining womanhood, I do need to ask some clarification. I know I'm feeding the trolls here, but here we go: does your definition of "biological woman" mean:

Sociological woman? Eh, context dependent, I'm not fully out of the closet, but oftentimes, I am and present femme. So let's call that one 50/50.

Psychological woman? Because I am one.

Neurological woman? Because I am one [1].

Physical woman? My soft tissue redistribution is handling that well.

Hormonal woman? My blood tests are within cis female ranges.

Transcriptional woman? As a signalling molecule, the downstream effects of estrogen have broad transcriptional effects, completely changing the profile of gene expression and functional genomics of my cells. [2]

Genetic woman? I mean, see my above point- as far as my genes that are actually active, I have all of the same transcripts being produced, controlling which genes are expressed.

Karyotypic woman? I actually have a few signs pre-HRT that might point to a non-XY chromosome pair, but I haven't had a karyotype. We'll put that down as unknown. And hell, even if its XY, there's plenty of cis women who are karyotypically XY, with suppressed sry or complete androgen insensitivity. Interestingly enough, a completely androgen insesitive woman can go her whole life without knowing- and functionally, is very similar to a trans woman, actually. Fancy that. [3]

Reproductive woman? I can't produce an egg cell, but neither can significant fractions of cis women. Also, this is all gonna change soon, which is fun. [4]

There's also a lot of understudied aspects to the biology of HRT and even pre-HRT that are emerging, largely demonstrating widespread cellular and genetic remodeling of trans individuals undergoing hormone therapy. The field is a bit behind due to constant political pressure to revoke funding, but a lot of the results are extremely exciting in both testosterone and estrogen hormone therapies. I'm sure that, as a self professed biology As someone who presumably has a lot of expertise in biology, I'm assuming that you're aware of all of this cutting edge research, and are keeping up with modern papers, including but not limited to these cool findings:

Trans men on HRT exhibit significant genetic and transcriptional changes that make them biochemically male. [5][6]. It's a good hypothesis that the same happens with estrogen treatment, but those studies don't exist yet- I'm sure you're reserving judgment until more publications exist, of course.

Trans men on HRT develop male cell types and tissues. [7]

Trans women experience muscular and blood cell changes that align with cis women moreso than cis men [8]

And many, many more! This is an exciting, underserved, and groundbreaking field of research, and I'm sure you're keeping up with the latest in scientific journals about it.

I'm sure, of course, that you understand that it becomes impossible to draw a distinct line anywhere in here, and that words like "woman" are shorthand for the myriad of traits that invisibly synthesize in our mind and in society to represent a concept? I'm sure you understand that science is fundamentally descriptive, not prescriptive? I'm sure that you understand that these findings, while really cool and interesting, actually don't mean jack shit about what the word "woman" means or not?

As someone who is the ultimate decider in what a biologist is, I'm sure you know that bioessentiallism is a childish mindset that completely ignores and disregards the constantly changing, dynamic nature of biological systems, something that extends well beyond biological sex and its relation to gender.

I'm sure that also, that you understand that beyond just this, that the role of science in society is to advise how to achieve our moral principles, not create moral principles in themselves. And I'm sure that understanding means you know that trans affirming healthcare and supportive societal treatment leads to reduced mortality and increased happiness for everyone, right?

So great to talk to someone who is surely a scientist on this. You are a biologist, if you're talking like this, I assume? I assume you're not going to spit complete misreadings of scientific language from the background sections of these papers that only reveal you've never read a scientific paper in your life if you're thinking this way? I assume you have experience interpreting data like this?

Also, imagining my genitalia while writing this? Ew. Please stop projecting your fetishes into my inbox.

Works cited:

Kurth F, Gaser C, Sánchez FJ, Luders E. Brain Sex in Transgender Women Is Shifted towards Gender Identity. J Clin Med. 2022 Mar 13;11(6):1582. doi: 10.3390/jcm11061582. PMID: 35329908; PMCID: PMC8955456.

Fuentes N, Silveyra P. Estrogen receptor signaling mechanisms. Adv Protein Chem Struct Biol. 2019;116:135-170. doi: 10.1016/bs.apcsb.2019.01.001. Epub 2019 Feb 4. PMID: 31036290; PMCID: PMC6533072.

Gottlieb B, Trifiro MA. Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. 1999 Mar 24 [Updated 2017 May 11]. In: Adam MP, Feldman J, Mirzaa GM, et al., editors. GeneReviews® [Internet]. Seattle (WA): University of Washington, Seattle; 1993-2024. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1429/

Murakami, K., Hamazaki, N., Hamada, N. et al. Generation of functional oocytes from male mice in vitro. Nature 615, 900–906 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41586-023-05834-x

Pallotti F, Senofonte G, Konstantinidou F, Di Chiano S, Faja F, Rizzo F, Cargnelutti F, Krausz C, Paoli D, Lenzi A, Stuppia L, Gatta V, Lombardo F. Epigenetic Effects of Gender-Affirming Hormone Treatment: A Pilot Study of the ESR2 Promoter's Methylation in AFAB People. Biomedicines. 2022 Feb 16;10(2):459. doi: 10.3390/biomedicines10020459. PMID: 35203670; PMCID: PMC8962414.

Florian Raths, Mehran Karimzadeh, Nathan Ing, Andrew Martinez, Yoona Yang, Ying Qu, Tian-Yu Lee, Brianna Mulligan, Suzanne Devkota, Wayne T. Tilley, Theresa E. Hickey, Bo Wang, Armando E. Giuliano, Shikha Bose, Hani Goodarzi, Edward C. Ray, Xiaojiang Cui, Simon R.V. Knott, The molecular consequences of androgen activity in the human breast, Cell Genomics, Volume 3, Issue 3, 2023, 100272, ISSN 2666-979X, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.xgen.2023.100272. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666979X23000320)

Xu R, Diamond DA, Borer JG, Estrada C, Yu R, Anderson WJ, Vargas SO. Prostatic metaplasia of the vagina in transmasculine individuals. World J Urol. 2022 Mar;40(3):849-855. doi: 10.1007/s00345-021-03907-y. Epub 2022 Jan 16. PMID: 35034167.

Harper J, O'Donnell E, Sorouri Khorashad B, McDermott H, Witcomb GL. How does hormone transition in transgender women change body composition, muscle strength and haemoglobin? Systematic review with a focus on the implications for sport participation. Br J Sports Med. 2021 Aug;55(15):865-872. doi: 10.1136/bjsports-2020-103106. Epub 2021 Mar 1. PMID: 33648944; PMCID: PMC8311086.

[buffyrouge]

Alright - here’s my analysis of what this S3 photoshoot could mean for every character

Lottie -We see her fully embracing her younger self, meaning adult Lottie will continue to embrace the wilderness as she did in season 2, except far worse as we see what else she did in the past. We also see her younger self behind her- almost like a shadow. It’s like her past is looming over her and she’s welcoming it. She wants to bring back her old self and go back to how she was in the wilderness - even if that is incredibly dangerous.

Misty - Misty isn’t touching or looking at her younger self at all, there’s no contact between the two. I think accidentally killing Nat may really change her this season (I think she’s wearing Nat’s jacket). She will no longer be embracing the past, but instead she’ll carry a great deal of shame like Nat did. It could also mean that she will still be devoted to keeping their secrets hidden, including what happened at the end of S2. She's not embracing her younger self to keep the past as far away as possible. I can see this easily taking a toll on her, as she tries to cover up yet another thing she deeply regrets. Her younger self is staring at her, almost as if her actions in the wilderness will be constantly on her mind. She won't be able to escape them. If others start to do more wilderness-related things in the adult timeline, I can see Misty’s role just being the person who covers their tracks and nothing more, possibly sacrificing herself to do so out of guilt (similar to Nat).

Van - Van is not acknowledging her younger self looking straight at her, but she is leaning on her heavily. I can see this meaning that Van may refuse to acknowledge all the horrible things done in the wilderness, instead insisting it wasn’t wrong because she’s unable to move on. This would align with what we've seen already. As we see more conflict happen in the adult timeline, an even more apathetic older Van may emerge as she doesn’t care to acknowledge her trauma or the trouble the adults may be facing. I don’t think we’ll see her go fully unhinged in the adult timeline, but rather not acknowledge what she did in the younger timeline as terrible As we see her younger self fight to stay alive and descend into chaos, this will feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Tai - Tai’s younger self looks like her reflection in photo 1. This could mean the actions in the two timelines will mirror each other, we’ll see past and present Tai do similar things. I also think this is interesting considering the “other Tai” plot line where we’ve seen her reflection represent her “other” self. It could mean they’re going to fully explore that plot line this season. While they are holding onto each other in the second photo, the hand placement seems almost like they’re holding each other back (they have a strong grip on each other)- both young Tai and older Tai could be fighting within themselves a lot this season which could easily play into that plot.

Shauna - Older Shauna is holding on to younger Shauna while young Shauna stares directly at the camera. To me, this pose reads as young Shauna completely in control. I think we'll see adult Shauna morph completely into her younger self this season, with no restraints. She’s not really embracing her younger self (like Lottie is), meaning I don't think she'll welcome this change, it's not something she's proud of. I think it'll almost happen without her realizing it. In the next photo Older and Young Shauna are separate - neither comforting each other nor trying to. It’s like she’s not "giving in" to anything - this is who she has always been. I also think this could symbolize her letting go of the life she's put herself into - going back to who she was in the wilderness where she felt more like herself. With that being said, I think this also will lead to an insane younger Shauna to parallel older Shauna which is terrifying considering the things she's already done.

Natalie - This is a little more difficult because she doesn't have an older self to cling to. It's almost like Nat is aware of that, she doesn't see a future for herself despite being incredibly important in the wilderness. With her becoming the new antler queen, I can see Nat becoming very isolated, feeling like she's losing touch with her real self as she takes on this role. I could see her wanting to give up the role of antler queen as she's forced to make tough decisions that don't come easy for her. I could also see her not wanting to give up this role, as she knows the others are relying on her and would feel guilty for abandoning them. Regardless of what happens, I think the main storyline for Nat this season will be her feeling isolated, despite being surrounded by people who need her.

Let me know what you think of my analysis. I'm probably missing a lot of things! I'd love to hear what other people think.

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

I'd like to request kiss #27 with James Bond. Please & thank you.

27. Kisses exchanged while one person sits on the other’s lap

"Try to look like you're enjoying this."

The order was murmured against the curve of your bare shoulder, and chased by a gentle kiss. You glanced toward James subtly as he dipped his head, dragging the tip of his nose just over the same spot.

"How do you know I'm not?" You murmured.

"I can see the looks others are giving me."

"Oh? What looks?"

"Like they're planning finding a way to free you."

You huffed a soft laugh, lips twitching with a smile.

"They'd have to speak to M to do that."

"Indeed."

James' palm smoothed along your thigh as you shifted subtly against him. It was hard not to feel self-conscious. The lounge was busy, crowded with people. James had corralled you into to sit sideways on his lap the moment he'd sat down, insisting that you'd be able to get a better vantage point. He hadn't been entirely wrong...But you weren't sure that he was entirely right, either.

What you were absolutely certain of was the fact that you were more than a little hot and bothered, curled in the man's arms.

"You're doing it again."

"I'm not doing anything."

"Precisely...Don't roll your eyes," He added, and you had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop a laugh.

"I wasn't going to roll my eyes," You fibbed.

"Hmm." You saw James shift in your periphery, your stomach flipping as his hand splayed warmly across your thigh. "Look at me."

"I'm meant to be looking for—"

"I know who you're meant to be looking for. Look at me instead."

You let your eyes wander around the room before you turned your head fully, looking down at Bond. His gaze swept over your face, lingering on your lips for a nerve-wracking moment before meeting your eye again.

"You're meant to be in love with me," He reminded.

"I haven't acted to the contrary."

"I'm feeling very ignored."

"You poor thing."

Bond's lips quirked with a smile before he tipped his chin up just a touch.

"Kiss me."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You must be joking."

"Go ahead, make fun. But when our cover is blown because we haven't been believable, you can explain it to M."

You fought to keep your expression controlled, fingers flexing in the fabric of his jacket.

"Fine," You mumbled.

"I'm waiting."

"Impatient."

"Terribly."

You hardly let Bond get it out before you pressed your lips to his. Quick, you figured. You could give him something just beyond a peck and lean away. But as Bond's lips shifted beneath yours, you knew that you'd have no such luck. His tongue swept gently across your lower lip before dipping tenderly into your mouth. You tipped your head to the side, letting out a soft hum as his hand crept higher up your thigh. You drew away just a touch, resting your forehead against his, smiling as he Bond tipped his head up a touch more, chasing another kiss.

"Another," He insisted.

"In time." You nuzzled your nose against his. "It won't do for us to go at it like teenagers. We'll draw too much attention to ourselves." You teased your tongue across his lips before sitting up, combing your nails gently across his scalp. "Patience, pet."

Bond's smile widened a touch.

"I don't like to be kept waiting."

"I gathered. You'll live."

"Will I?"

"Almost certainly."

[22drunkb]

Do you think he was ever in love with Bedelia like he was in love with Will? I ask this because Bedelia says they were both the "brides of Hannibal". But Hannibal never courted her like he did with Will, Bedelia came into Hannibal's life much before Will but he never pursued her like he did with Will. Mads said he wanted a future with Will unlike with other people he hooked up with Alana, Bedelia or Anthony. He took her to Italy as a consolation prize when Will betrayed him. Even in Italy H was pining about Will all the time and telling Bedelia how much he loves Will. I know he slept with Bedelia but he probably slept with Anthony too and he slept with Alana, Hannibal is a hedonistic guy who sleeps around. For him sleeping with someone doesn't mean he is in love with them. But when Will confronts Bedelia, she pretends as if Hannibal held them in the same regard which is obviously not true. Hannibal would choose Will over her in a heart beat and even she knows it but yet she acts as if Hannibal sees them both equally. I don't understand why? 😭 Why do you think?why make herself seem like a competition when she is not?

I think you're misunderstanding the meaning of "bride" here. It doesn't mean beloved. It doesn't mean favorite. It doesn't necessarily mean sex. It means something more like what Chiyoh meant when she called Bedelia "his bird": "He puts us [birds] in cages to see what we'll do."

Hannibal collects people, generally. Most of his therapy patients are collectibles. He collects them because he sees potential in them for "becoming," for expressing an inner potential that interests him and that he thinks, in his own way, it would be good and true to themselves for them to express. (This generally amounts to some kind of murdering or violence.) He may be interested to see what will happen when his collectibles are transformed, but he doesn't find it terribly hard to imagine or predict. The people he has sex with don't even all fall into this category; I don't think he particularly was interested in Alana's potential becoming, for instance, though things did work out that way (but, in some ways, more at Will's hand than at Hannibal's).

That said, the category of "collectible" is large and includes both Will and Bedelia. However, there's another category, a subset, within that, which Will, Bedelia, Chiyoh, and Abigail occupy: that's "bird." These are people whose behavior is less predictable and therefore more interesting and engrossing. In the process of transforming his collectibles-in-general, he doesn't necessarily show these objects of interest much about himself. His true self, that is, rather than the mask. The four I just named get more of a look. However, Chiyoh and Abigail get their views not entirely at Hannibal's choosing: Chiyoh is from his past, and Abigail figured a fair amount out herself. (It's more complicated than this, but for that reason I don't think it's helpful to get into these two further here.) There are, as far as we know, only two people who've gained much insight into him entirely of his own volition: Bedelia and Will.

Both Will and Bedelia are people Hannibal collected and then cultivated in order to have someone to share himself with. I am not saying that that meant he felt exactly the same way about them, or that he shared the same things or to the same degree. But Hannibal put his therapist in a position to murder not only because he saw that potential in her and wanted to bring it out, as with all collectibles, but also to gain a certain degree of control over her so he'd have a therapist he could actually talk to. It's hinted in their pre-Florence sessions that she does not want to continue being his therapist but feels she has little choice.

Hannibal saw that collectible potential in Will and, like Bedelia, wanted him to be someone he could show himself to, albeit in different ways and to a more profound degree. Less utilitarian and more romantic. He made it very clear in the s2 finale that he wanted that more than anything: "I let you see me, know me. I gave you a rare gift. But you didn't want it." (Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing from memory.)

What is necessary for him to select these two people to be seen by is for him to respect them, in his own way. He does not respect all his collectibles, though he's interested in them. He respects Chiyoh and Abigail more, but in a "precocious child" kind of way, rather than anything peerlike. But, Bedelia: he does actually listen to what Bedelia says. He forces her to let him play patient to some degree, but, within the role of patient, he squirms at some of her insights and defends himself the way a patient who feels that their therapist has power does. He values her input enough to subject himself to it. He enjoys her company enough to take her to Florence. She can't "surprise" him the way Will can, and he's not enamored and fascinated with her the same way. But he does hold respect for her. If we were to view what I said about the patient dynamic he has with her as a BDSM thing (which....it is), he chose her to play the dom, which is a pretty big deal, really.

I don't disagree with you that his interest in Will is qualitatively different. But they have both, at different times, been someone he chose to know him. That's a special status. It is also a status of being kept, to some degree: Bedelia didn't have the option not to be his therapist, and, as Will feels once he gets sucked back in after his time with Molly, he never really had the option to escape either. Birds again.

In the "We've both been his bride" conversation, it's Will who comes in with an aggressive, competitive energy, not Bedelia. He calls her "bride" first, and she responds by saying that Will has been too--i.e., why are you so mad at me? Why are you displacing your feelings here? (That is, she's being a therapist.) Through the whole conversation, Bedelia is actually trying to get Will to see that they aren't the same, and that Hannibal cares for him and belongs to him in a way he didn't to Bedelia. It's just that to get Will there, she first has to get him to admit that he has been attached to/chosen by Hannibal at least as much as she has, before she can show him that his position goes further. She's not setting herself up as a rival at all. Will came in angry because he subconsciously saw her that way, and she is working with that starting point to get him to understand better. This is the conversation that leads Will to ask, "Is Hannibal in love with me?", which he never could have brought himself to consciously articulate without her guidance.

I wrote a whole post just about this conversation, if you'd like further explanation. See also this and this from @bonearenaofmyskull.

[baldurs-gape]

i see what you did. 'these are my sins but im not to blame' hehe

I was so hoping someone would see that and think it funny. Nonnie, you are officially my new favourite person XD You know what? I fancy keeping with the spicier side of things today. So we'll have some misuse of magic, I'm sure Mystra wouldn't approve.

Weave Your Magic

There was that glow again from Gale's tent. Honestly, the amount of time the man spent mooning over that goddess of his was pitiful. Astarion had half a mind to sneak up and scare the crap out of Gale just to start teaching him to associate conjuring up Mystra's image with fear. That would get him to stop. It was worth a shop because Astarion was really starting to struggle with ignoring the soft blue light spilling from the tent next door.

On light feet, he crossed to the flap of Gale's tent and waited a moment, making sure he hadn't been detected. Once certain, Astarion was already grinning to himself. This was too easy.

"Yargh!" He growl-yelled as he pounced into the tent and Gale let out a shriek. The blue form in his palm blipped out of existence before Mystra's head was there again. But Astarion was sure it wasn't Mystra before his scare, it looked nothing like a human head. How curious.

"Don't you know it's a very bad idea so scare a wizard with a ticking time bomb in his chest?" Gale was already lecturing him, hand pressed to his chest to calm his wildly beating heart. It was nice to hear it galloping so fast, Astarion wasn't going to lie. "Not to mention how discorteous it is to be so loud at such a late hour of the night. What if you or your actions woke the others?"

Still smirking, Astarion looked at his nails smugly. Almost idly he said, "Then I guess they'd be grouchy with you for screaming so loudly. It's not my fault you can't control yourself."

"I think you'll find my self-control is second to none, thank you."

Eyes flitting up, Astarion's smile turned dirty. "Is that so?"

Flushing, Gale pursed his lips. "I'm not falling for your cheap jokes. Now, was there anything you were actually wanting from me?"

"No. Just keep the light show down, some of us nocturnal types actually enjoy the dark."

No more light leaked from the tent that night and Astarion was almost a little disappointed. Part of him had hoped Gale would be a petty little shit just because he could be. Alas, it seemed that not everyone liked being as contrary as Astarion did. Shame.

However, a couple of nights late there was the glow again, much fainter, as though something was trying to block out the light. Sneaking closer, Astarion's ears popped uncomfortably and he realised he walked through a dampening bubble that not quite hugged Gale's tent. Interesting. Very interesting.

Peering in, Astarion was ready to jump and scare Gale again but the sound caught in his throat. Sure, Gale was standing there as usual but in his palm wasn't the projection of Mystra, it was...actually, Astarion had no clue quite what it was but it sure looked phallic and fun. He watched as Gale murmured with a gesture and the shape curved a little, thickened up at the top. Astarion couldn't keep quiet any longer.

"Mystra have a bit of a facelift?"

Gasping, Gale turned to look at him, eyes wide. The projection in his palm morphed into Mystra's bust. Flustered, Gale looked at it then back at Astarion.

"No?"

"You're a terrible liar." Not waiting for permission, Astarion stepped into the tent and gestured at the blue glow. "Just what were you up to?"

The flush that had started in Gale's cheeks spread rapidly down the exposed sliver of his chest, colouring the mark of the orb as it went.

"Nothing!" As is Astarion believed that. He stayed silent until Gale filled it, "I mean, it's personal. Nothing for you to get invovled with."

"Yet it looks like I'm already invovled." The words were a soft purr as Astarion sidled closer. This was almost laughably easy. "Won't you indulge my curiosity? It looked fascinating. And not something any old wizard could do."

He saw the moment Gale gave in, the desire to share knowledge and prove his genius greater than his discomfort.

"I've been working on refining the melding of two spells. Conjuration, which you've already seen-" here Gale gestured at the glowing spell in his palm, "-and Mage Hand. Together they have quite the potent promise. Similar to Spirit Weapon but more malleable and responsive. It's not an avenue of magic that's been really explored, probably because it doesn't have much of a public audience. Without support there isn't much research that goes into it. Really it's just been me, tweaking it since my Blackstaff days."

"You're making a magical dildo."

Mouth forming silently around outraged words, Gale tried to refute it. However Astarion knew he was right and he crossed his arms over his chest, ready to hear all the denials and arguments. He could see Gale formulating them, almost loud in the silence. In the end, Gale held up one finger and all but growled, "It is so much more than just a magical dildo."

"Let's see it then." Delight was difficult to disguise, especially when Astarion was so intrigued yet also bubbling with emotions. He hadn't thought Gale would be so easy to crack.

The blue glowing changed form once again and there was the dildo. It had a gentle curve which Astarion had seen already, as well as the swollen and that no doubt felt quite nice when pushed over sensitive bundles of nerves. What was a little more surprising was the thickness at the end, gradual and definitely more girthy than most dicks. It also rounded off into something rather aesthetically pleasing but most definitely not the kind of thing Astarion would be willing to put anywhere it could get lost.

"That doesn't look very safe." At Gale's confused look he shrugged. "Don't you want a flared base? Could get, you know-" he whistled and made an upwards motion with two of his fingers to indicate disappearing up.

For a moment Gale stared at him. Actually stared like he was the biggest idiot on earth. It wasn't something Astarion appreciated.

"Just saying. It's not fun getting it out be it reaching in or needing to be cut open to get it."

A flick of the wrist and the dildo was gone. Another flick and it was back. Gone. Back. Gone. Back.

"Alright! You've made your point." Magic. Of course it was as easy as that. Fucking wizards and their easy ways out.

"I wouldn't have made it such a shape if it wasn't safe. Took a while to perfect the gesture to transfer from dismissing Mage Hand to this."

Eyes narrowing, Astarion looked at Gale. "Did you lose a Mage Hand in yourself on purpose?"

"Technically it's not lost if you know where it is."

Ridiculous. Rather than chase the thought of Gale spending a whole night doing whatever it was he did with the Mage Had, Astarion chose to focus on the dildo. Aside from the curve and thickness it also had bumps and ridges, even a few smaller tentacles like a catfish's whiskers that wafted in the air though there was no breeze. It was all very pretty to be honest.

"So, is it as good as it looks?"

"I think so."

All those nights of the blue glow, Gale's griping about his excellent self-control, it was all starting to make sense. After all, he had to have great skill to keep up the dildo, the dampening spell and holding back his own noises at once, all while in the throes of an orgasm. Impressive. Astarion tipped his head to the side.

"What's your process?"

"Lube-"

"No! I meant for designing. How do you decide what it looks like?"

"Oh!" Gale flushed again, just when his usual colour was starting to return. "I see an idea or a shape in nature or art and try to recreate it if I think it would feel nice."

Astarion hummed, eyes back on the dildo. "I'd do it the other way so to speak. Stick it in and figure out what feels nice. Pull it out then try to make it pretty."

The way Gale stared at him suggested it was a whole new world his eyes had just been opened to. Nodding, he licked his lips, mind obviously already elsewhere. It was time to capitalise on it.

"Just think, it's in you, already pressing so nicely into you. But as you push it out it would feel so much better if it was a smidge bigger. The ridges stretching your rim before it goes slended again, all while the tip is just growing and growing, filling you so good." Astarion leaned in, breath ghosting over Gale's neck. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? Make it vibrate. Think you could keep quiet then? Keep your focus and control?"

"No." The word was a broken whisper of need.

"Then teach me some of the spells. I want to watch you."

"Yes."

"Now?"

A scroll was thrust at Astarion and he laughed. This was going to be an excellent night.

[blackjackkent]

So... I was already going to write something about Hector and Karlach, and Hector being forcibly reminded that Karlach would rather die free than go back to Avernus and live, and Karlach laughing it off in the dryad's vision, and Hector feeling like shit about it.

And then this happened when I went back to camp:

"Ngh. Soldier... my engine. It hurts... I think this might be it. Soon. Thing's burning hotter than I knew it could."

"But look - we've just about made it to the city. That'll do me. Let's go protect it. Whatever happens after that is between me and the so-called gods."

"You don't think we'll find you a cure?"

"With this heat going, I can't spare the energy to think. I just want to enjoy whatever's left of this life of mine. Anyway, it could be worse. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. With who I'm meant to be with. How many people can say that?"

-------

She laughs again, grins and shakes it off, and suddenly he can't take it anymore.

"Damn it, no!" he snaps. "Stop that! Stop laughing about it, as if it doesn't matter!"

She blinks, draws back a little, startled. Hector very rarely loses his temper; the last time she saw it was in the House of Healing against Malus's terrible cruelty. Not here, not in camp, where they're safe and they're together. "Soldier--"

"Don't 'Soldier' me." Hector's jaw works and then he looks away from her abruptly, staring down at the ground. "This isn't funny, Karlach. It isn't a joke. You heard what Dammon said. If we don't find a cure, you'll die."

Karlach's smile fades. "You think I don't know what death means, Hec?" she says more sharply. "I've seen way more of it than you have. I know what Dammon said, and I also know what I said. I'm not going back, not ever. Not even to save my life."

"I know. Believe me, I heard every word when you told me." Hector's lips draw into a tight line. "I'm not talking about that."

She hesitates, puzzled. "What are you talking about, then?"

"How am I supposed to feel, when you look at me, and say you're about to die, and laugh?" He looks up at her, his eyes burning with frustration and pain. "Do you expect me to laugh too? Do you expect me to pretend like it makes no difference?"

She frowns. "No, I--"

"Because I can't," he continues hoarsely. "I can't laugh. I can't shake it off the way you can. I..." He pauses, rubs a hand down his face, desperately trying to regain his habitual control, but it feels completely lost to him right now.

"I will never, not once, tell you what decision you need to make. This is your choice. Your life. I wouldn't take that away from you." He shakes his head. "I respect you too much for that. It's your body and your soul, your free will and your choice. But I need you to respect me too, enough to believe that what you choose affects me too."

He feels his voice crack, and dashes his hand in frustration and shame against his eyes, feeling dampness in them. "I love you," he whispers, clenching his fists at his side in the struggle for control. "I love you, Karlach... so much, so deeply... I didn't know feelings like this existed in the world until I met you. I was taught to be self-reliant, to need no one's reassurance, to keep my heart wrapped up in books and faith and dust, but then I found you, and there's no going back to that. I'm lost in you." He hesitates. "As... as I hope you're lost in me."

He can see her expression twisting with emotion but he doesn't give her time to speak. It's all coming out now, everything he usually doesn't have the words - or the bravery - to articulate. "I'm not trying to change your mind. I've learned so much from you, from everything we've experienced out here - and one of the things I've learned is that there are things more important than living or dying. That there are things worth dying for. If this is yours... I won't stand in the way."

He swallows. "But I need you to understand that... I don't know what I will do without you. And when you laugh, when you act as if it doesn't matter that you will be gone... it tears my heart out."

Silence. He's run out of words and stares at the ground in front of her feet, his shoulders tight with the effort of keeping his voice steady.

When she finally answers, her voice is softer. "Dammit, I'm... I'm sorry, Hec. I really am. This, how I am..." She gestures vaguely at her own chest. "In Avernus, it was the only way to stay sane. You had to laugh about it all, or you'd go mental." She snorts bitterly. "I told you, that's the only reason I hung around with Flo. She was a bastard, just a complete motherfucker... but she made me laugh. And I couldn't make it otherwise. It would've crushed me."

She pauses for a moment and then goes on. "I don't want to die, Hec. I really don't. I never had the chance to live like this, loving someone, loving you, and doing good work, and feeling like I mean something. And I don't want to hurt you. Gods... that's the last thing I want."

She reaches out cautiously, takes his hand. He draws a sharp breath, although his shoulders instinctively relax, feeling the familiar pulse of her heat against his skin.

"I love you too, Hec," she says quietly. "You're not the only one who never thought life could feel like this."

He lets the held-in breath out shakily and grips her hand like a lifeline in a storm. "I'm scared, Karlach," he admits in a whisper. "I don't know if I can do this alone."

"You won't be alone." She smiles slightly. "We've got a pretty good group going here, now. And you're way stronger than you think. I've seen it." She hesitates. "Proud of you, y'know."

He closes his eyes and swallows desperately against the lump in his throat. "Thank you," he says softly. A pause. "I'm proud of you too, you know," he adds after a little while. "For standing by what's important to you. I want you to know that, no matter what else happens."

Her fingers tighten around his fiercely. "And I won't laugh about it, not anymore," she adds with a slight nod. "Didn't think about how it sounded to you. I won't make that mistake again."

He nods, musters a slight smile as he looks up at her. "Thank you. That's all I ask."

She steps forward, wraps her arms around him tightly, and he sags forward into her, burying his face into her neck. It's a great irony, he reflects, that the same heat which is going to kill her makes him feel so warm and comfortable in her arms.

His eyes squeeze shut against her and he lets out a single gasped breath, almost a sob. But only the one. Then he has control again, and all he does is lean into her and hold on as if his grip might somehow prevent her from ever slipping away from him.

And though he will not say it aloud, inwardly he prays for some miracle, some way out of the darkness that sits in his future when she is gone. Because he truly does not know how he will bear it.

[dirty-bosmer]

From the edgy oc asks, for Nim <3

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

13. If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Sneaking this one in during work hours, heeheee. Thank you for the ask <3

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

Oooh, I got asked this one a month ago, and I still think about those alternate endings a lot. I have two:

1) Nim joins Mathieu in destroying the Dark Brotherhood, Lucien dies at Applewatch (she joins in the effort LOL it's✨cathartic✨), kills the rest of the Black Hand, and gets her happy ending with Lorise and Raminus and a happy family :)

2) Nim decides to be Listener, moves to Bravil, has a full blown affair with Arquen. Lucien still goes crazy because the power has been completely shifted and he can no longer control her. After a year or so, she gets extremely bored tho and fucks off to the Shivering Isles with no warning, leaving everything in shambles :)

I have some really stupid modern AU texts between Lucien and Nim that I've thought about posting before. I might draw them eventually. We'll see...

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Honestly, idk XD I think it depends on the context that we met in. If we were drunk in a bar bathroom or university roommates, I think we'd be really good friends. We'd go to parties together, study together, probably would have made each other's college lives feel less lonely by just... being alone together, if that makes sense. Doing our own things but knowing someone else is there when we need them, which is how the relationship with some of my closest friends are. We're all pretty introverted until we're not lol.

But if we met while she was elbow deep in her Dark Brotherhood shit, I'd be like girl you are stressing me out!! There are some rancid vibes wafting off of you and I am trying to write my thesis! I have my own neuroses and cannot handle another person's self-destruction right now!! Also I have a really hard time sitting idle and shutting my mouth if I know my friends are doing dumb shit/fucking around with trash people. I'd tell her to get her shit together and I don't think she'd like hearing it 😔

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Probably her resilience. Despite how painful her life has been, it's never broken her spirit or stopped her from scrabbling toward happiness. She goes through a lot of traumatic stuff over the course of her life and the events of the fic, but I never wanted it to strip her of hope. In fact she's kind of delusionally optimistic that things will somehow work out in the end despite her inability to stop making terrible choices lol, and I guess I respect that even though she knows she's doing awful things, it doesn't stop her from helping out those she can.

[metatronhateblog]

The Opening Sequence Pt 2 The Cemetery

Welcome back to the opening sequence breakdown. It only took me forever to get back to this thanks to con crunching (curse you Crowley's leather vest), split attention, and work. Today I will be, you guessed it cause you probably read the title, talking about the cemetery sequence.

Now there isn't too terribly much here, and I'm sure a lot of this has already been talked about. I've no doubt people were smart enough to already find all this.

But as I have no self control and am in fact procrastinating finishing my Crowley cosplay, here we are. I promise we'll get into some more....weird? Less noticeable??? I don't even know? Stuff as time goes on. We're just starting off with the basics cause it's easier on my brain.

So in the cemetery, we already know that Jim is hiding out behind some headstones next to the mausoleum they enter. Nothing too weird there, aside from the fact he's hiding. BUT WE'RE NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT JIM.

Instead I'm here to talk about all the weird little things on the headstones. Again, I wouldn't be surprised if it's all already been found, I just personally haven't seen anyone talk about it?

We start off seeing this little mausoleum that says 'ARCHER' on it

Which we also see make an appearance in episode 3, when our beloveds are in Edinburgh.

(Did I start this draft then immediately drop everything to lighten/color correct all of season 2 episode three so I could see if there was anything in the background? Maybe...)

Then we have our lovely statue of the one and only beloved yet self absorbed Gabriel. Again, nothing too fancy.

And this little cross with an very interesting symbol on it right next to Gabriel. The symbol from a glance looks to be a money sign but when you take a closer look, I think it's actually three crosses? Or maybe one cross with two little lines on either side and a big 'S' slapped over top.

Then we have our 'Everyday' headstone which is of no surprise due to reoccurring song appearances in the season.

But then something else caught my eye while I was making this post that I didn't notice previously... See that little guy up in the corner of the everyday headstone?

Him?

yeah well idk who he's supposed to be but he's not the only one...

And then a third that is hidden behind a cross

Perhaps important characters? Or maybe a little hint about something that I don't know yet. Or maybe even just put there to fill in the background with no meaning....who knows.

Either way these gentlemen (or ladies) appear in the actual episode behind the Gabriel statue.

Then here we have two...stone caskets? Above ground graves? Where they both look the same, but one appears to be crossed out, maybe worn away with time, and you can't see the other because it's hidden by a headstone that says 'Peter Paintball.'

I have no clue who Peter paintball is. Maybe it's a reference to Season 1, or maybe it's someone on the crew or something. But I have no Earthly clue.

Moving on. As our boys continue their cemetery date with a trail of people and creatures and...objects? Behind them. We see the mastermind behind our Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery. Miss Austen herself.

I'm just as unphased at her name being in this cemetery as I am 'everyday.'

From here, I've had to do a lot of tweaking and playing with the lighting, and I won't lie, some things are still kind of...not quite able to be made out imo. So now we have...

A two for one that kind of leaves my brain churning questions like butter. I'll start with the more legible one.

"Here lies the former shell of Beelzebub."

I mean 'they're just such a little ray of sunshine' so of course this headstone makes sense. But also...why? What exactly does this mean. Like what's it referring to? I get that demons are dead inside which...mood. But could this possibly be referring to whoever Beelzebub was before falling? Or maybe the fact that Beelzebub feels some sort of happiness after meeting Gabriel and therefore the shell has been buried? I don't know. I just sit here and mull this over sometimes and maybe it's not a detail I should agonize over, but still.

Then we have 'here lies...Adam...' with the words underneath that I can only barely make out some of. I have tried fixing this so many different ways, and maybe it's just my lacking photo editing skills but still. I believe Neil has said this headstone is referring to Adam as in Adam and Eve? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) And if I squint I can make out....(from my best attempt at cleaning this up enough to see it)

"I do not understand, surely your very existence requires....of the world..."

Some of the words I can't make out, and the whole bottom line is a mystery to me because it's blocked entirely by the shadow that I can't fix.

Buuuuuut using my skills of deduction I'm going to assume this is a quote from Adam in the show? Gonna assume show and not book all things considered. (Upon further investigation it's Death who says this to Adam.) I can't remember. But the quote is something like

"I do not understand, surely your very existence requires the ending of the world. It is written."

Which...well hell that's a very interesting thing to put on a headstone (once again questioning which Adam Neil said that headstone belongs to...)

(Maybe it's a reference to Adam Young but Neil is saying he's not dead? Because he never actually confirms which Adam this is a reference to but I suppose it could be either considering it begins and 'ends' with an Adam.

But the thing I find really interesting is actually the headstone right next to it, also a take on something Death says in season 1.

'Left early to beat the rush.'

Which. Hell this one took me by surprise the first time I read it. Death says it to the mail man in Season 1 'Think of it as leaving early to beat the rush.' And if I recall correctly (I don't know where the source is) Neil has said something similar about Terry? So for all I know this headstone could be a nod to Terry Pratchett....or it could be two very interesting Death quotes on back to back headstones.

Could the Adam one possibly be referring to the fact that Adam, by the end of season 1, technically reversed the end of the world? Or something along those lines? I just find it weird that amongst a bunch of (i'm using this word lightly) joke headstones we have two very intriguing Death quotes....

Finally, we have this little interesting bit on the side right here.

We have that symbol from before but a little clearer now...and? A head? There's a bust here in the corner in front of Gabriel.

At first glance it reminds me of the Gabriel angel statue...and maybe this is supposed to be Gabriel...But if you look a little closer...you can see a button up.

Now this is the best shot I can manage of it.

This looks specifically like Jim. Not Gabriel, but Jim. It's dressed similarly and I think that's his hairstyle. The face looks similar. I momentarily thought it might be Aziraphale or even Crowley but that wouldn't make sense...right?

So for now, I'm thinking that this is a bust of Jim. Very interesting considering Jimbriel is hiding right in front of it and there's a different statue of the Archangel Gabriel earlier in the cemetery....So what the heck is this all about...

Now if I missed any, or if any of the headstones in the background have writing that is hard to make out, let me know and I'll update this post.

But as I said before, I'm sure someone has already done this. Consider this a reference post, maybe let your gears turn a bit about some of the epitaphs because they're certainly some head scratchers if you ask me.

Thank you for reading this, and keep a look out for more of the opening sequence breakdown series in which I slowly lose more and more of my mind staring at this thing and picking out little tiny details.

[this-reminds-me-of-a-song]

I’m sitting so hard on the take that media made by criminals or people who have done terrible things should not be condemned as something to be forgotten about or not worth anything, because songs and poems written by abusers and killers and rapists allow view into those kind of people, what is going through their minds, and adds more meaning to a song by giving it a new perspective to examine it from.

Art done by people who have done questionable if not horrific things is very interesting type of art that’s really important to study and understand that can both prevent dehumanization and allow people to better understand and come to terms with the fact that you can relate or have the same emotions as someone who has done something horrible, and that doesn’t make you a horrible person.

Like let’s take Scotland by Mccafferty and see where we end up

Now the band was started by Nick Hartkop, who was later revealed to be pretty abusive and racist. Scotland is a song that came out before this all came to light

Now obviously Nick’s a shitty damn guy from the sounds of things, and that’s enough for most people to never listen to the song. Let’s try a different approach, just as an experiment, let’s take some lyrics and examine them with this in mind about Nick as from what I could find, this was almost certainly written and sung by Nick

I don't want to go through the entire song in this post so we'll start in verse 2

What kinda God lets children die? They probably went in her room They probably thought she's asleep What kinda God lets children die? They probably thought that she stayed the same But she's not the same, no, no, not the same girl Bodies will wander, and eyes will ponder I need to know, will I make it? I need to know, will I make it?

We can now take the concept of dying and no one noticing that you aren’t the same, begging to god to know why and if you’ll make it, and apply it

We now have a lyric from an abusive cruel man talking about having died as a child and coming back wrong with no one noticing, begging god to know why, why he “died” and if he’ll still keep going

In verse 3 God answers

He said, "grow up, grow up, grow up, grow up" yeah, yeah

He’s told that he’s growing up, that's why he changed, that he still needs to keep growing up, and this TORMENTS the singer, the entire verse 3 is him repeating “grow up” in a more desperate and erratic tone with each line. The entire song before he’s begging to be saved by the idea of a king

King of Scotland save me (Will I, will I? Will I rely?)

to not be a dog but a wolf

Run with the wolves, but disappear

Never on top, just always your pet dog

However, it very quickly becomes clear that what he actually wants is to be the king, to not have to grow up but still be in control and on top, to have power and not have to face growing up and who you've come. When he does get an answer to his pleas it’s “you have to change yourself, you have to mature” and as shown by the final line…

And I will stay away and I will stay

He can’t, or he refuses, he’ll stay like this, he’ll not change, he will never save himself. He can only beg for a savior while biting like a canine to the hand anyone who tries because he can’t handle someone actually having that power over him.

Which while poignant on its own, when you add into the fact that Nick has done some awful awful things, deepens these themes. It shows he knows he’s a monster, that he considers himself to be in some way “dead” that he both begs to be saved but knows he can only save himself but refuses. He can’t take accountability, but he can’t let someone have power over him. He doesn’t want to be saved by a higher power, he wants to escape his skin he feels like an imposter to be that higher power, to have that justification. It’s both self loathing and an utter excuse for how that means he won’t change, he’s stuck, he’s not the same, he can’t go back, and if he can’t go back, he won’t go further either. He can beg for god all he wants, but he knows that he can’t help him, but if he begs for god, then it’s out of his own hands isn’t it? The appearance of growth without growth.

Listening to the song while acknowledging the awful person behind it doesn’t actually ruin the song, it gives perspective and in many cases, that perspective reveals something sad, pathetic, and lashing out whether they know it or not, and that’s FASCINATING, it’s fascinating to think about, it’s fascinating to consider. It better lends itself to being able to better understand why people like him are doing what they do. The reasons they justify, why those justifications aren’t enough, it helps you understand a certain kind of person you may deem “other” and doing so, helps you better understand your own self and better understand that anyone can have these emotions, these feelings, and that some people, no matter how much you might not think they can, will use these feelings to cause immeasurable harm.

While understanding them better doesn’t absolve them or something stupid like that, it serves as a great view into the outlooks and mindset of people who do things like that. It helps remind you that abusers, racists, misogynists… they aren’t some pillar of control and calculation and constant manipulations and evil rationality, they’re not a monster in the dark that spawned in with a human disguise to terrorize and isn’t One Of Us… because they’re actually just human after all.

They are one of us, and we have to come to terms with what that means, and that means coming to terms that the fact their art is part of the human experience. Their art can’t be sanctioned off as “not ours, evil” because it is ours, it says something, it tells us something about who we are and what society is, and sometimes that answer can be bleak, but that doesn’t mean it should be looked away from. It means that it’s complicated and worth discussing

I will never believe there’s a person who’s art doesn’t bring some kind of meaning worth examining and thinking about. So while the context of who this person was is very important; acknowledging the bad and then using that bad to better analyze and understand something is also very important. It’s critical thinking, it’s critical analysis, it’s a skill worth learning. Art made by bad people isn’t some tainted impure art to be burned, it’s art with an uncomfortable depth that people aren’t used to exploring.

[playtwewy]

Can you show an excerpt of your CSM fic? I am intrigued :3

Yeah!!!! honestly, i have no clue if this fic will see the light of day since I started writing excerpts while I was half asleep for a couple of nights before running out of steam and it may be too self-indulgent for me to stand. But it's an alternate canon au involving Angel Devil and eventually Kobeni since those are my two faves :3

Added the excerpt and details below the cut since I think they're technically spoilers ig

So the main conflict of the fic is Angel breaking Makima's control significantly earlier in the timeline and the eventual fallout of events due to the choices he makes trying to keep as much of his autonomy as he can. But I will say the changes to canon start even before that lol

[...]

“The gloves–” he starts.

“You won’t need those again,” Makima tells him. She’s back in his room, looking the same as yesterday, but this time without the burden of her jacket. She's sitting next to him on the thin thing they call a mattress.

And sitting means something long and drawn out.

The attention from Makima’s glowing eyes makes him shift uncomfortably. It never gets easier around her no matter how much he reminds himself what she's done for him. 

What she's done for him? 

What she's done to him…

“Starting today you will have a partner.” There's a pause as she waits for some kind of acknowledgment.

Angel nods.

“And your partner will be human.”

Angel can't help the way his eyes widen as he meets Makima’s gaze head-on. 

“I understand it will take some getting used to but you will be on your best behavior, won't you?”

“Yes,” Angel assures her immediately. Whatever manner of compatibility he needs to take on he will, of course, Makima needs him to.

“Good,” she says evenly. “Your partner is one who handled the same operation as you did, so they know what to expect from you. And they are aware that the division relies heavily on this being successful.”

[...]

His partner's name is Kobeni Higashiyama.

She's a nervous girl, so much so Angel can smell the fear on her without trying. He does remember her. She'd been responsible for one of the hostages captured during the raid and was there when that hostage’s devil beheaded them. 

He remembered seeing a hysterical bureau member with tears streaming and snot pouring from their nose in a rather disgusting display. It surely didn't give him confidence knowing that the same person was now his partner.

And working with her was already a pain. 

They linger at the front entrance for a while. Angel leans against the wall before eventually sitting down. Kobeni shifts and wrinkles the sleeve ends of her jacket. Her eyes are rimmed dark and keep darting to him but then away when he notices.

Angel is bored and getting looks from those passing out of the bureau entrance. It's not a terrible waste of time but he'd prefer to be in his room.

This is stupid.

“If we're not going to go anywhere you should take me back inside.”

Kobeni visibly flinches. She mutters something under her breath that the Angel Devil can’t hear.

Then she speaks in a shaky voice, “My car's in the parking lot. We'll have to walk there.” She then starts walking without waiting for Angel to stand up.

He sighs, realizing this is going to be a long day.

Kobeni's car is a small, square, pale yellow thing. Angel has never been in such a small car before. However, because of this, his wings, even shrunken down as they are, nearly brush against Kobeni's shoulders. After some struggle, Angel eventually makes it into the back seat. And as spacious as it was, Angel decided to lie down.

”Your seatbelt?“ Kobeni squeaks, but Angel ignores her. Eventually, she starts the car and they’re on the move.

Angel decides to doze in the back. He didn't even know where they were going or if they even had a mission. All Makima said was to behave.

[trivalentlinks]

so i saw a post (originating in Leverage fandom) recently drawing a parallel between this exchange from Leverage S3E16 (San Lorenzo Job)

Moreau: I have the media. I have the guns. I-I have the… government. Nate: You know what I have? I have a 24-year-old genius with a Smartphone and a problem with authority. You really never stood a chance.

And this exchange from Avengers (2012)

Loki: I have an army Tony: We have a Hulk

And I know this is primarily a Leverage blog, but I have to channel my Avengers(2012)-obsessed, Science Boyfriends (Bruce Banner/Tony Stark) shipper self from 2013 for a moment and say that I think there's a fundamental difference between these scenes.

The Leverage scene, to me, at least, reads as about Nate's confidence in and pride regarding Hardison's ability to take on an entire country, the media, the guns, etc. Emphasis on the 24yo-genius-with-a-smartphone-and-a-problem-with-authority and how dangerous that could be for his enemies.

The Avengers scene, however, while superficially similar, is not about Tony thinking the Hulk can take on an army. It's about Tony's confidence that Bruce is going to come back. Indeed, the next line in the Avengers scene is this:

Loki: I thought the beast had wandered off.

Because, like, the beast had wandered off. Bruce had earlier only been with the Avengers because he was tricked (by a little 6-year-old agent! and you've got to know someone like him wouldn't like the idea of child agents, and especially people who would use a child agent against the Hulk) into walking into Natasha's trap and then got talked into joining them on the Helicarrier where he learned that they had built a prison just for him.

(So they could kill him, but they can't--he knows; he's tried. (Yes, even a decade later, I remember every Bruce Banner line in this movie.))

The emphasis is not on the fact that he's the Hulk, but on the fact that they have him. Because at the moment, they don't have him: the beast had wandered off, and there was no reason to think that he'd come back.

Nobody else thinks that Bruce would come back: Recall this exchange, right before Bruce comes back, while the Avengers are assembling.

Tony: Where's Banner? Has he shown up, yet? Steve: Banner? Tony: Just keep me posted.

Like, Steve (who's ostensibly the leader of the team) clearly does not think Banner is going to show up. Nobody else seems to think he's going to show up, either.

Hell, even Banner himself does not seem to think he's going to show up to help his fellow Avengers, or that the Hulk can even be helpful. Recall this earlier exchange on the Helicarrier, before everything went to hell:

(Conversation starts at 3:09, but I think the entire scene is pretty informative regarding what Tony's getting at here:)

Tony: That's the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn't have kept him on ice. Bruce: Guy's not wrong about Loki. He does have the jump on us. Tony: What he's got is an ACME dynamite kit. It's gonna blow up in his face. And I'm going to be there when it does. Bruce: Yeah? I'll read all about it. Tony: Mm-hmm. Or you'll be suiting up with the rest of us. Bruce: Nah, you see. I don't get a suit of armour. I'm exposed, like a nerve--it's a nightmare. Tony: You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. *points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest* This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege. Bruce: But you can control it. Tony: Because I learned how. Bruce: It's different. [Bruce tries to read the computer screen, but Tony slides the data aside with his finger so the two can see face-to-face] Tony: Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you. Bruce: So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Saved it for what? Tony: I guess we'll find out. Bruce: You might not like that. Tony: And you just might.

So, yeah, I don't think it can get any more clear than this. The Hulk has never been anything but a monster and a threat to everyone Bruce loved, but Tony, only Tony, sees something positive, maybe even human, in him.

Tony's so confident, not that the Hulk can tear apart the Chitauri army, but that he'd try, and that he'd do it without also hurting the people Bruce cares about. That he'd want to help the people Bruce cares about. That he'd be on their side. That they have him.

Even when they first meet, you see Tony having more confidence in Bruce and the Hulk than Bruce does:

(Conversation starts at 1:23, but, again, this whole scene shows how naturally Tony gets Bruce to relax and draws him out of his shell when Bruce is already on-edge on a helicarrier 30,000 feet above ground with a room specifically designed to kill him)

Look at how dejected Bruce seems at even the mention of the Hulk. But Tony gets out there right at the start that the Hulk doesn't bother him in the least.

(Steve also says something like this,

Steve: Word is you can find the cube. Bruce: Is that the only word on me? Steve: Only word I care about.

Except as later scenes make clear, Steve is just being kind/polite there. He is terrified of the Hulk, just like Bruce is. Tony, by contrast, is actually being honest.)

Interestingly, at the beginning of the first video I linked above, Bruce doesn't back Tony up. In his argument with Steve, Tony asks Bruce to back him up, "It's bugging him, too, isn't it?"

But Bruce doesn't back him up. "I just wanna finish my work here...", until Steve asks him to back Tony up.

Yet despite all this, despite all of Bruce pushing back against Tony, all the, "Last time I was in New York, I kind of... broke... Harlem," in response to Tony's more-than-generous invitation, all the not-backing-Tony-up until Steve asks him to,

Tony knows that Bruce is going to come back for him. He knows, given Bruce's "Oh, shit--" right before the Helicarrier gets attacked that Bruce knows where the cube is going to be, that Bruce knows that Stark Tower is in danger, and that Bruce is going to come back to protect him. And Bruce does exactly that.

Also, in the end, Hulk is not the one who delivers the killing blow with the Chitauri.

In the Leverage episode, Hardison is the one who delivers the killing blow. It turns out not even to matter how the vote count comes out or what the media is saying, because Hardison managed to email every single resident of San Lorenzo.

But while all the Avengers definitely contributed, and the Hulk delivers the first major blow (punching out that Chitauri space whale as it flies in, guided by Tony "Tell him to suit up. I'm bringing the party to you"), it's unequivocally Tony who delivers the killing blow with the Chitauri by flying that nuke through the portal.

But you know what the Hulk does at the climax of the film?

yeah.

He comes back for Tony.

[quinloki]

Kinky Marco Head Canons

Hmmm... I think I'll start with...

Dom/Sub/Top/Bottom preferences Forced/Denied Orgasms Tickling Bondage/Merinthophilia/Shibari

Four is good to start /stretches/

Dom/Sub/Top/Bottom Preferences:

For an easy breakdown of numbers we'll do an out of a 100 sort of thing for each (these aren't going to add up to 100 it's on an independent scale for each one)

Dom - 95 - Marco's preference is control. He likes to exert it, he likes to be a position for it. He's not going to never-ever let go of the reigns, but he's really going to have to trust first before he's letting go

Sub - 10-15 - Once that trusts there he's a little more comfortable with it than you'd expect. If you were putting Sub and Dom on the same scale the overlap would be switchy territory. But 9 times out of 10 he's the dom.

Top/Bottom - a solid 50/50 - Marco's pretty laid back about the logistics of sex. Much like say, Shanks or Kid and Killer, the point is often simply pleasure, and pleasure can be had in a lot of ways. Given his preference for being the dom he'll be the Top more than not, but it's not impossible to be the dom and the bottom.

Forced/Denied orgasms:

Marco receiving - Depending on how well you have him pinned down, and how much you're willing to push him, you might just see Marco sweat. Forced orgasms won't wear him down very fast at all - he has incredible stamina, and his devil fruit helps. Denial, however, can make him squirm. He won't be a good bird though, so you're going to have to learn his tells when he's getting close, cause he's not going to divulge them.

Marco giving - Patience is a virtue, and Marco may as well be a saint. A terrible, terrible, cruel saint. He's not in a rush, not when it comes to you, and if you're not any good at begging for relief or mercy, you will be before the evening's done. He's a kind enough man he'll help you find the words if you need help, but you're going to be the one to say them before it's all done.

And if you're being denied or forced as payback for whenever you had him at your mercy? ... Well... good luck. I can promise you'll survive at the very least >.>

Tickling:

Marco Receiving - I hate to leave this so short, but you're not going to tickle this man. Maybe it's the devil fruit. Maybe it's years of self-control and practice. Maybe it's just luck for him he wasn't born ticklish, it's not happening.

Marco giving - He'll refrain if you don't like being tickled, whatever the reason may be. Whether you dislike your laugh, or dislike the feeling of it, he's not mean. But of all the songs you sing, the sound of your laughter is one of his favorites, if not his absolute favorite. He'll send Ace over to you to share his newest joke just to hear you laugh.

And if he can get away with mixing the sounds of your pleasure with the sounds of your laughter? Well, he'll be hesitant to admit it, but it probably nearly made him cum untouched the first time it happened. It was a little more effective than he expected. ♥

Bondage/Merinthophilia/Shibari:

Marco Receiving - He doesn't have a Merinthophilia kink directly, but he's not against being bound and tied up. His preference is shibari because it's a long process, as much art as it is anything, and honestly, being limber enough to put up with it is good exercise. Pardon the pun, but the process of being bound is, itself, a good bonding experience, and that quality time is what really puts it in good graces for Marco.

Devil Fruit possessing Marco can slip the ropes whenever he wants, so there's little concern for safety in his eyes (for himself at least)

Marco Giving - You don't grow up on a ship without being a decent rigger. Tying sails and such doesn't equate to good bondage techniques right out of the box, but Marco knew several dozen knots before he even first learned about shibari. It's like painting to him, or writing, it's a form of creation that lets him unwind. The patterns he can make are delicate and intricate.

The level at which he can multi-task while spending hours adding more details and knots while turning you into a shivering, pleading, drooling mess is, admittedly, a little scary. Or would be, except that you can trust him.

(I was actually going to do six to start, but um... I'm a bit distracted at the moment, so here's where we take a little break.)

[diino8081]

frozen liberation au

THE BEGINNING

chapter 9

(chapter list)

warnings for discussion of murder, self deprecation

zane puts on the necklace.

he's been staring at it for the past 5 minutes and has come to no viable conclusions whatsoever.

the only thing that he knows for certain, he smirks, is that he's just won a free gold necklace.

part of his brain nags at him disapprovingly. what? it's true. this random child gave it to us, for free.

that was out of their own kindness, we could at least honour that.

kindness, or weakness? the child gave you something so valuable to them without even batting an eye. it's stupidity is what it is.

hey! don't say that. kids can be stupid, yes, but they can also be kind.

i will admit though. it does have a nice shine to it, he thinks. i wonder what kind of gemstone that is.

he's brought out of his thoughts by a new pair of footsteps at the door. he turns to see nya shaking the snow off her boots.

"hey. we're going soon." she begins, making her way inside. "the travellers tea wasn't enough for us to reach ninjago. but cole found something a little while ago that should help us through."

nya sits at the driver seat, spinning it around to face zane.

"we're leaving in... about 5 minutes? the team are just saying their goodbyes."

he hums. fidgeting with the necklace.

"where'd you get that?"

zane pauses, looking up to meet nya's eyes. it's a genuine question. she's not going to take it from him.

"i- um. there was a child. they snuck into the bounty, probably a dare or something. gave this to me before leaving." he holds it out in front of him. "they said it brings luck. luck and good fortune."

he notices her staring. "i-it's stupid."

"no, it's not. you clearly care about it. otherwise you wouldn't be wearing it right now."

guilt ruptures in his chest. "it's just, i don't know if i'm worthy. of this. of their kindness."

"of course you are! everyo-"

"i'm a bad person nya!" he stands, clenching his fists. "a murderer! i killed people! tortured them! i did so many terrible things. and the worst part? i enjoyed it."

the room goes quiet.

nya's voice turns stern as she stands up, glaring at him. "you were controlled by the staff, zane. manipulated by vex. you had no memories of who you'd been. who you are."

"no- but-"

"that wasn't you." she continues.

"you don't understand! even after i regained my memories, i killed vex. i hurt kai. i still feel hatred towards the formlings. it's not going to change any time soon. i'm a bad person."

he sighs, looking down. "that's just the way it is."

nya takes a step forward. moving towards him and wrapping him in a hug.

zane's eyes widen.

"we'll fix this. fix you. you're family, and don't you forget it."

his vision glitches one more time before calming.

he tries to reciprocate the hug but remembers; oh, right. hands are cuffed.

instead he leans into the touch. closing his eyes and settling for a "thank you."

they hug for a little while longer before nya moves.

"alright, you dork." nya breaks from the hug. "let's go get the others. we've waited enough."

zane chuckles at the nickname, following behind but he hesitates at the door. he looks outside to see wooden houses scattered in the snow, a river flowing through the middle of it all.

he sees the people he's hurt. they look... happy? why are they happy? is it because the ninja won? because he lost? what would they do if they saw him? run? hide? scream?

...fight?

no... he can't do this. he looks at nya who's watching him with concern.

"i'm not going." he shakes his head.

nya smiles at him with pity, nodding in response. her boots crunch in the snow as she walks away.

zane sighs, returning to his seat. what is wrong with him today?

--

it's not long before the rest of the team arrive. he gets a few looks and glances from the others but he tries his best to push them aside and ignore it.

the engine grumbles to life. he sees a portal of gold appear in front of them. on the other side is what looks to be the monastery's basement, if he remembers correctly.

the land bounty revs, driving through the portal. the bright sky transitions into a dark cave. the curious voices of spectators into a quiet hum of technology.

he's home.

alright that's it for season 1, thank you all so much for reading! season 2 is going to be a wild ride. i'll have a gallery post up in a bit for all the art from the beginning. see you next season!

< previous

+ masterlist

> gallery

[welcome-to-oslov]

The healing! Omg 🫣🥹

I'm super excited to be whisked back into the world of All Kinds of Broken to unravel more of the mystery of how Tilrey's become who he is through everything he went though - BECAUSE it is SO incredible to see the incredible leap he's taken in Oslov Unraveled - some deeply traumatic things finally unraveled that he's never been able to, until now:

"Then he realized that he was following the old kettle-boy impulse to keep himself safe by absorbing the feelings of the most powerful Upstart in the room. And those tactics had no place here. He didn’t need to comfort or placate Attevian. Tilrey reminded himself it didn’t matter how the general reacted. He had no say here."

Aww! It sounds like this is SUCH an important insight he was never quitable to articulate for himself until this moment. I'd imagine maybe this also makes it more possible for him to look at his younger self with compassion, and gratitude for surviving, rather than feeling shame, anger, & wanting to ignore him.

"As he finished this speech, Tilrey heard Malsha chuckling somewhere deep in the darkness of his mind. He knew he was hearing only a residue, a figment of memory and imagination. Janta had helped him grasp that. And to the Malsha who waited inside his head, he said silently, Too bad you’re dead. You said I was the key to Oslov. But you’ll never know the person I’ve become—the one who helped unravel it. The one who will knit it all back together, if I can. With my friends’ help."

!!!!!!! to alllllllllll that!!!!!

This feels like the rebuke he wishes he would've been ready to deliver to Malsha back in Habour. He had barely begun becoming stronger then - but is strong enough now. Especially since now he feels in his bones he's strong because he's not alone in all this - no longer deeply alone like he was back in his Malsha, Island Party, and even early Gersha years. Made alone by others, and making himself alone by feeling safer trying to be fake.

Despite this breakthrough, the Malsha of his mind tries one last time to dominate him, to claim him:

"Malsha was fidgeting. Unsatisfied. I prepared you for this moment. Me. No one else."

Not true, you piece of shit! (Sadly, literally not true: many things prepared & shaped Tilrey, not least his terrible youth at the hands of the Island Party 😢)

Tilrey rebukes him again 🤗🙌

Sometimes in life you do have breakthroughs from your trauma, and I think Tilrey just had one today.

As we soon will return to explore, enjoy, and wallow in the misery with him these next 2 years of All Kinds of Broken, we'll know that he will indeed not only prevail, but even evetually heal - many years from now - some of what he's going through 🥲❤️‍🩹

Yes! Thank you for putting it all so beautifully. 🥰 Healing can take a long, long time, and Tilrey’s finally at a place where he can have compassion for his younger self and free himself from the Malsha in his head. I’m so glad those passages worked for you!

It is too bad he wasn’t there yet when he last saw Malsha in Harbour. But he did defy him, and I suspect Malsha died knowing he could never really have the control over Tilrey that he wanted.

When he made that prediction that Tilrey would unlock/unravel Oslov, I think what he secretly wanted was to be the person who would do that himself, to live a second and better life through Tilrey. But that was impossible!

[toushindai]

Life-Sized Blogging

toushindai / 30s / cis female (she/her/hers)

A known bisexual. Administrative coordinator by day. Writer also by day. Asleep by night, unless something’s gone terribly wrong. Autistic, at all hours.

My special interests take the form of serial fandom obsessions. It’s currently and very narrowly whatever the fuck Rauru and Ganondorf have going on in Tears of the Kingdom right now. If you followed me for (counts backwards on fingers) Hades, Transistor, Baccano!, Soul Eater, or any other fandom I don’t post about anymore, sorry about that. I do not have any control over the direction of the special interest.

I write a lot of fanfiction, specializing--I may as well cop to this, I think it's been the case since I was in college--in what we'll call eroticized power dynamics. You can find me on AO3. You'll also find me occasionally peddling my wares on my nsfw twitter. My main twitter, wallofillusion, should be considered defunct at this point.

Below the cut, I'd like to highlight a few of the fics or fic series that I'm proudest of for each fandom.

Tears of the Kingdom

Questions of Kingship: Two PWP one-shots followed by a multichapter plotted work. Elements of dubcon and noncon throughout. Recommended if you like made-up politics, think TOTK maybe should have thought a little harder about the implications of its made-up politics, or just want to see two horrible men who hate each other fuck about it.

Following Ganondorf's oath of fealty to Hyrule, Rauru "invites" the Gerudo chief to stay at Hyrule Castle while Gerudo's subsumption into Hyrule is negotiated. It's a strategic action; Rauru does need to keep an eye on him. But his frustration with Ganondorf's false humility hides a desire that even he is not comfortable with, and Ganondorf has his own plans for the self-styled king of Hyrule.

Hades

Hello it is I a megzag main. reach out and grasp will be your best starting point. It focuses on Megaera's friendship with Thanatos and how it is affected by her (and Thanatos's) relationship with Zagreus. This series is available as a pay-what-you-want e-book at itch.io. From there, feel free to branch out; there is a lot of porn here and some things that are not porn. A further guide to my Hades fic can be found here.

Transistor

Not so much of the power dynamics in this fandom but I love Red/Boxer so much. I am not immune to a sword with a gentle voice. Here's the two of the on the verge of becoming a couple; here's what was as far as I can tell the first Red/Boxer smut on the entire internet even though I showed up three years late. Here is a post-game fic in which they finally must discuss the final act of the game.

Baccano!

Maskmaker trio my beloved. I've written over 100k across two separate "Monica is alive" AUs and my sole comfort is that I could never be as obsessed with this thought as Huey is.

Mad Religion is a one of my masterworks: set in the 2001 of an AU where Monica never died, Huey and Monica stumble upon a branch of SAMPLE only to discover that Elmer has already stumbled upon the cult on his own and is trying to make their sacrifice smile. Because that's what he's for--isn't it? If you like writing dealing with unnamed religious trauma, this one is for you.

Other than that--wow I cannot even begin to summarize my work in this fandom. Here's Ronny and Maiza getting to know each other in 1711. Here's Huey being the worst father imaginable to Liza. Here's a lil tone poem of Huey thinking on Monica and Elmer in the 1930s. Conversely here is Fermet leaning real hard on Huey's boundaries. There's more out there, my friends, but it's so scattered. I'm not even mentioning Ronny/Lucrezia here.

Soul Eater

Hello it is I a Medusa/Stein main. And also a "Stein's relationship with Lord Death/authority" main (I was working through some things at the time).

What it Means to Lose Control: When Stein has to give up control in order to fight, some are more than willing to step in and claim it from him. A Medusa/Stein divergent AU. I turned this into an e-book, with some side stories included; you can get that here (mobi | epub)

A God without an Ego: An examination of the relationship between Stein and Lord Death—where it works and where it falls apart. Looks like I never put this one on AO3... well, I'm not linking each piece individually on ff.n. The best way to read these ones is on e-book (mobi | epub)

Prior fandoms

If you want to go further back than "the tail end of my college years" godspeed and for god's sake please don't tell me about it. WallofIllusion on ff.n, you'll find some The World Ends With You, some Ace Attorney (original trio), some Death Note, and some Yu-Gi-Oh!. Also more Soul Eater than I transferred over to AO3.

[blackjackkent]

Some of the companions have things to say in the wake of Rakha's absolutely terrible night. (Halsin and Astarion, for some reason, don't have any comments, but everyone else does.)

-----

Wyll, of course, is gentle and reassuring as always:

"I see the hunger in your eyes, and I see how it worries you. It worries me too. But you are stronger than the hunger. You can resist. You *will* resist. I'm sure of it."

Rakha wishes she had his confidence... but she's grateful he still hasn't turned away from her.

-----

Her other closest friends are considerably less solicitous in their reactions:

"You are worried about this killing urge. I can see it. I will try to help you resist - but spill a single drop of my blood, and yours will flow in a gusher."

"I have been watching you more closely than ever since the night we were forced to restrain you. I believe you have your urges under control, for now, and that you may become the master of them. But if you so much as think about harming me, I will pluck the thought from your mind and then your heart from your chest. That is all."

Harsh but fair. In truth these feel, to Rakha, like much more reasonable responses to the situation than Wyll's. If she ever tries to turn her blade on her companions, she would rather they kill her in return than die at her hand.

-----

Karlach's response is... odd.

"About what happened - about your affliction. I know you're sorry. And I know you're probably afraid it'll happen again. I'll look after myself. You look after you. If we each do our part, we'll both be all right."

This feels like a surprisingly standoffish response from the self-titled "Mama K", especially when compared to her near-simultaneous line about Shadowheart's current struggle: "It's up to us to look after her now. If she needs a rest, we carry her. If she needs a hand, she has ours. If she needs ears, we've got four between us. Whatever she needs." I would have expected her to be more vocal about also looking after Rakha, as well as encouraging her to simply look after herself.

This does, on some level, fit with the fact that Rakha hasn't been particularly close with her or discussed the Urge much with her compared to Wyll and Lae'zel, but it does come across strange. The obvious explanation, of course, is that Rakha spooked her real bad. This makes Rakha sad to realize, because Karlach's good humor and kindness have definitely had an impact on Rakha's own worldview and even though they're not as close, Karlach is another of the people Rakha really doesn't want to let down.

-----

Shadowheart's response is also surprising, but in the other direction.

"I know you have your personal demons to contend with... but if I didn't make it clear before, I think you can beat this. Just don't give in, and seek help if you need it."

This is remarkably sincere coming from Shadowheart, especially given that she is deep in the throes of her own personal crisis right now. I think this honestly means more to Rakha, just at this moment, than almost anyone else's input.

(It's also darkly funny given that Shadowheart tells Rakha to seek help if she needs it, but also at this point actively refuses having a conversation about literally anything at the moment bc she's brooding so hard about Aylin and Shar.)

-----

Gale just doesn't want to talk about it, and frankly I don't blame him:

"Glad to see we all made it through the night intact. A promising sign that we may be able to curb those urges of yours. Now, as the saying goes, 'What's left undone should be left unspoken.' Is there some lighter subject you wish to discuss?"