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detectivecarlosreyes · 4 years ago

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Keeping the line open

Ao3 | 3.2k | Rated: Gen | Tarlos

Summary Carlos hated this. Hated how he made TK feel. Hated how he felt himself. It was eating him up inside to know that he was the cause of this whole situation. It’s not like he and TK hadn’t had any arguments before, they had a number of them before they had figured out what they were and what they meant to each other at the beginning of their relationship. ~ aka Carlos's perspective in the aftermath of the fight in 2x04 and all that followed when TK returned.

For @911lonestarangstweek : Day 3 fix-it/Coda

Carlos hated this.

Hated how he made TK feel. Hated how he felt himself. It was eating him up inside to know that he was the cause of this whole situation. It’s not like he and TK hadn’t had any arguments before, they had a number of them before they had figured out what they were and what they meant to each other at the beginning of their relationship.

But this one had a finality to it.

“I freed some more space in your closet. Carlos.”

That’s what TK had said, and Carlos wasn’t sure where that left them.Was that a break-up? It kind of felt like it was, and that made it even worse. Because he didn’t know for sure if it actually was a break-up, or if TK just said it in the heat of the moment but didn’t actually mean anything by it.

Carlos’ stomach roiled at the mere recollection, just the thought of it left him feeling like he was in relationship limbo again, a place he thought he would never be in again since they got together, the day aurora borealis lit the sky. He groaned as he lay in bed, hearing the words repeat over and over again, effectively ruining any chance he had of getting any sleep. Unable to push it from his mind, Carlos tried calling him once but was sent straight to voicemail and followed it up with a text asking him, almost pleading for TK to call him back, hopeful to just be able to talk to him and explain everything. He wondered how TK was, hoped that he was okay, that he made it home to his parents safely. All he could think about was his concern for TK’s welfare and how much he had royally screwed up.

The rest of his night was a sleepless one. One spent in the kitchen, in an attempt to calm his mind with the structure that a recipe would give him, making sweet, chocolate-filled empanadas, something that he learned to make for late-night study sessions in college. It was a calming balm to his turbulent mind. helped it to push aside the frenetic feeling of anxiety over one pissy fight that ended leaving him feeling like it was the end of the world, of their relationship, even if, realistically, it probably wasn’t.

This is not how he wanted things to go. It was not the way he wanted the first meeting between his parents and his boyfriend to happen. The one boyfriend that he actually felt confident in introducing to his parents. He had a plan. One that involved preparing both parties before they officially met over a nice home-cooked meal, not some chance meeting that left him panicking and lying and hurting the man that practically owns his heart.

He hated that he was the cause of this argument, this fight, and the reason for disturbing their bubble of bliss of just being together and loving one another freely. The last thing he wanted was to upset his boyfriend. To blindside him without giving him any forewarning about his past, about his family, to give him all the facts of what he was walking into of the relationship, especially considering how forthcoming TK had been in the past.

When TK asked him about his parents he shouldn’t have evaded the question. It was a topic that he would’ve had to have faced at some point if he was going to make the plan a reality anytime in the near future, like how he’s imagined it so many times. Why didn’t he just tell TK his history with his parents when he asked about them? It’s a question that spun around and around in his head since TK had walked out the door. And he knew the answer, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself.

Carlos had always prided himself in being comfortable with who he was. Self-assured and confidant, a calming presence for the people that needed it. He buried that insecurity surrounding his sexuality and his parents beneath that persona and didn’t want to bring it to light again. Didn’t want to confront his parents and really get them to understand and see him and his sexuality completely. Didn’t want his openness in front of them to potentially compromise the love and acceptance he got when he first came out.

He knew he shouldn’t have made light of the situation by trying to crack jokes, knowing as soon as he started that TK wasn’t going to appreciate his effort to de-escalate the situation with ill-timed jokes, but it was the only defense he had. He hadn’t wanted to lay himself bare and be completely truthful because deep down he was insecure, a feeling that he hid not just from others but also himself. He was afraid of being exposed because deep down he was afraid that it would be a repeat of the last time he was truly vulnerable when he had come out to his parents.

This was all he thought about for most of the day, leaving him exhausted and distracted through most of his shift, but acting as though he was fine when really he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He didn’t linger once his shift ended like he usually would, not feeling up to pretending that he was okay. Pretending that the finality of his argument with TK didn’t hurt, because it did, Carlos had thought that TK was going to be the one. The first one to introduce to his parents when the time was right. He had thought that he had more time. He knew his mind was spiralling to the worst-case scenario, and logically he knew that TK would talk to him eventually, but logic was not enough to quell the feeling of dread surrounding their relationship.

He didn’t call or text all day, wanting to give TK the space that he clearly wanted and when he got home, he tried to distract himself further by doing a load of laundry, which didn’t just include his clothes, but TK’s as well. The washing didn’t really distract as he hoped though, still finding himself gravitating back to his phone hoping that TK might have messaged or called with a change of heart. None came through and it left him feeling somewhat hopeless to think that might change. He’s had breakups before, but none have come close to what he was feeling. And that meant something. Because he saw a future with TK, something that he’s never entertained with past relationships.

Eventually, he collapsed on the couch in his sweatpants in a perpetual state of turmoil and regret, lamenting over how all of this could have been avoided if he had just been honest in the first place. His resolve was cracking now that he wasn’t occupied and it left him with his thumb hovering over TK’s name in his contacts with a strong want to break the deafening silence between them and just get the relief of hearing TK’s voice. Somehow he managed to refrain from doing so, now wanting to give away his desperation in a series of texts or calls.

He startled an hour later when someone knocked at the door while he was on his way to check on the laundry that had just finished its cycle to put in the dryer. Curious, having not had any messages from anyone else to say they were stopping by he peers through the window beside the door to discover a familiar silhouette, causing his hands to sweat anxiously.

With hesitation, he opened the door wide before drawing it back in, apprehensive of the fact that TK chose not to use his key and what that meant. “Hey,” he said quietly suddenly feeling nervous, seeing the seriousness in TK’s face.

“Hi,” answered TK, just as softly, “Can I come in?”

“You’ve got a key.”

“Yeah, I thought, maybe you might want that back.”

“Why? Are we breaking up?” He asked and then continued, suddenly feeling fed up and not wanting to beat around the bush anymore, “Or did that already happen because it kinda felt like it did.”

“No,” TK said quickly before following it up with a hesitant, “I mean, I hope not.”

“Come in.” He gestured inside and stepped out of the way.

Trying not to be confrontational, he stayed by the door after he closed it with his hand in his pockets and waited as TK led the conversation, interjecting when TK said that he had acted like a little bitch, which he didn’t, he had made some valid points even if he had been a little dramatic about it. Carlos was slightly taken aback however when TK said he wasn’t sorry, and found his phrasing characteristically confusing, a typical occurrence when he wasn’t sure how exactly to get across the point he was trying to make.

“… do you know what I mean?”

“Not really.”

He didn’t say anything more, allowing for TK to take a different tact as he relocated to ottoman making it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, and explained what he meant. TK was being completely open and honest about how the day before had made him feel, a sight different from how cagey he used to be when they first met.

“It kills me,” he admitted after TK had said his piece and he finally moved from his spot and sat in front of TK, relieved that TK was clearly willing to hear him out, “Which is exactly why I was avoiding introducing you because I didn’t want that to happen and I- I knew it would.”

“Yeah, but did it have to? They knew you were gay.” He could see that TK was trying to understand, trying to make sense of what he was saying with the limited knowledge of what he knew so far.

“They know, yes.” He said quickly. Trying to find the right words, he took a deep breath, feeling the floodgates lift as he tells TK everything that he’s withheld up until now, wringing his hands as he does so.

“I came out to them when I was seventeen. They were shocked. I- I knew it rocked their world, but they hugged me and told me they loved me and that was that. Do you know what we talked about the next morning? Hmm? The Astros bullpen, the price of unleaded, a new calf in our family ranch. Not one mention of what I shared… then or… since.”

“They seemed like such nice people.”

“They are nice people,” he corrected TK, “But, they’re not perfect people.”

“You know, my parents may be very queer-friendly, but they’re not perfect either,” TK offered, Carlos thinks as a way to help him feel better, “They just gave me a pep talk, that felt like it was more about them than about me.”

Carlos could feel his nerves settling, having unburdened himself and having TK listen and hear the words that he had, up until this point, left unspoken through his avoidance of the topic while also offering a piece of his own upbringing to allay any residual discomfort he had over this conversation.

“That explains a lot,” he says amused, finding the stress slowly melting away.

TK continued, “There was something that my mom did say though. She said… that I felt triggered because I didn’t feel safe in this relationship.” Carlos broke eye contact with TK as he felt his heart plummet to the floor.

“I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” He said, doing his best to keep his voice steady, trying to swallow the emotions caught in his throat and wondering if this might actually be it for them after all that, but TK continued speaking, instantly brushing away the anxiety that had spiked within him.

“But you know what I didn’t consider? Is how unsafe you feel and have felt for so much of your life.”

Carlos’s breath caught in his throat as he looked up at TK in wonder, he didn’t expect to feel quite so seen and understood that it left him breathless with his eyes reflexively watering in relief. He could feel the knot in his stomach loosen at that thought as TK slotted his hands into his own, taking a firm and reassuring grip.

“I want you to know that I am fully on board. You can tell your parents I am your friend, your colleague, your personal shopper...” That last one made Carlos laugh considering how that must have looked to his parents at the market, “…I don’t care. Okay? As long as you need.”

As much as he loved knowing how willing TK was to stay by his side regardless of their situation, there was something he had to know and it hurt him to even ask but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to TK if he didn’t, “And if it never changes?” He couldn’t keep the vulnerability from his voice and felt completely at TK’s mercy, knowing that what he says next could very well influence the rest of their relationship, if TK felt he wouldn’t be able to withstand the possibility of being indefinitely his ‘friend from work’ in the eyes of his parents.

“Nothing ever stays the same, Carlos.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t and that seemed alright with TK. Instead, he draws TK’s hands held in his grasp and gently holds them to his lips as he shuts his eyes in gratitude. He stays like that, breathing in deep and soothingly, sensing as TK drew himself in closer and felt the touch of his lips pressed against his bowed forehead.

“We’ve unpacked a lot tonight.” TK murmurs into his temple when his lips broke contact, “How about I order us some of your favourite food from that restaurant you like, and we can just curl up on the couch and watch a movie?”

“I’d like that.” Carlos breathed out, any residual tension in his body leaving him as he does so, feeling the weight of the world lift from his shoulders. He opened his eyes and released TK’s hands, shaking himself out of the moment, remembering that he was heading to the laundry when TK had turned up.

“I- ah I just need to move washing to the dryer if either of us are going to have any clothes for work tomorrow.”

TK stood up with him and moved in the opposite direction, heading towards the door leaving Carlos to follow him with his eyes questioningly. “TK?”

TK turned with his hand on the door, a bashful look flushing his face, “I left my phone in my bag outside-- I knew you wanted to talk but I wasn’t sure you actually wanted to see me,” TK opened the door and picked up his duffle, the same one he walked out with the previous night, “…couldn’t bring myself to unpack it.”

Carlos chuckled lightly from where he was standing, shaking his head in amused disbelief. “You couldn’t bring yourself to unpack your bag, and I couldn’t even bring myself to passive-aggressively wash only my clothes that were in the hamper, we’re both hopeless.” He said before disappearing in the direction of the laundry room, leaving TK to order dinner.

When he returned TK was already on the couch, elbows propped on knees as he finished up making their dinner order, one that he seemed to have rote learned from the few times that they’d had it. Dropping his phone to the side as the order went through, TK invited with an outstretched arm for him to settle in as he picked up the remote, “dinner should be here in 30 minutes.”

Carlos fell into TK’s open arms and easily positions himself partially lying across his lap with his back resting against his chest leaving TK to wrap his arms around his torso as he proceeded to pick a movie. He relaxed into the embrace, comforted but the slow rise and fall of TK’s chest against his back.

Carlos waited until the opening credits started on the movie that they watched at least half a dozen times and kissed the inside of TK’s bicep before saying, “We have dessert for tonight. I ended up making chocolate empanadas in the middle of the night and stress ate too many to count because I couldn’t sleep at all last night.”

He felt TK shift beneath him, “I barely slept either.”

Carlos continued, “I’m glad you came back. With the way that you left, I wasn’t sure that you would. I had built it up in my head with all the things I should have done differently to the point that I thought this was an irreparable deal-breaker.”

“Carlos, I was always going to come back, you have to know that--” TK said, conviction clear in his voice, causing Carlos to sit up, propped up on his arms to look at him properly, “--I know I said I wasn’t sorry, but I am-- for making you feel like that. I just needed time to process it all.”

“I know and I get that now. And I’m sorry too, for putting you in that situation in the first place, this wasn’t the way that I planned on introducing you to my parents.”

His admittance erased the guilt swimming in TK’s eyes and brought forth its usual mischievous sparkle in its place, “Oh, so there was a plan?”

“Uh-huh.” He responded mirthfully with a smirk, not giving much away, and returned to his original position, finding TK’s arms circle him more tightly and felt his chin rest lightly on the crown of his head. The was a beat or two before he spoke again, “TK?”

“Yeah?”

He placed a hand over TK’s, “I don’t want to fight like that again. I hated the silence and not being able to just talk to you.”

“I hated it too,” TK murmured into his hair and there was a quiet moment between them.

“What if… what if we make it so that it doesn’t happen like that again?”

“What are you thinking?”

Carlos paused for a second, gathering his thoughts, “We need to be able to communicate, to be open and honest about a problem with each other, even if it’s to say that we might not be ready to talk about it, just, you know, acknowledge it for a later conversation?”

“Keeping the line open to one another.” TK summarised thoughtfully.

“Yeah,”

“Okay. I like the sound of that.” TK responded softly and sealed it with a kiss into his hair.

The rest of the evening was spent comfortably, how it should have been the night before, eating dinner together on the couch, reciting their favourite parts of what was left of the movie, wrapped up with one another.

They finished off what was left of the empanadas and eventually fell into bed in exhaustion, completely stuffed and at peace, no longer anxious or upset as they were the previous night. If they were slightly more clingy than usual, well neither of them were going to say anything about it because they still had each other and that was what mattered.

The last words spoken by both of them, just like every other night, was a promise and a quiet declaration of “I love you”, sealed with a good night’s kiss.

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starring-movies · 4 years ago

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The Haunting of Bly Manor: Episode Analysis

*SPOILERS*

Episode 3 - The Two Faces, Part One

Episode 3 begins by starting to help us to fill in the backstory of who Peter Quint and Rebecca Jessel were. The episode starts one year ago and we’re first introduced to Peter as he stares at his reflection in the window of an expensive men’s clothing shop, Kensington Tailors, where he is picking up a shirt for his boss, Henry Wingrave. From this very first shot of Peter, it’s immediately established that he’s ambitious (as he’s imagining himself in Henry’s position, wearing suits from the expensive shop that Henry gets his clothes from), but also that he’s narcissistic.

The song ‘Tainted Love’ by Soft Cell plays during this scene. The lyrics that we here are:

“Sometimes I feel I’ve got to,

Run away I’ve got to,

Get away,

From the pain you drive into the heart of me,

The love we share,

Seems to go nowhere,

And I’ve lost my light,

For I toss and turn I can’t sleep at night,

Once I ran to you (I ran),

Now, I’ll run from you,

This tainted love you’ve given,

I give you all a boy could give you,

Take my tears and that’s not nearly all,

Tainted love”

The lyrics of the song that we hear foreshadows Peter and Rebecca’s sad and toxic relationship that will come. “Tainted love” is definitely an appropriate phrase to describe Peter and Rebecca’s relationship. Where Rebecca once “ran to [Peter]”, she now wants to “run from [him]” after he betrayed her trust - Peter drowned Rebecca and so now she can’t escape and just like the singer of the song she is suffering from “the pain you drive into the heart of me”.

When we’re first introduced to Rebecca we see her looking at her reflection in a compact mirror, as she waits in Henry’s waiting room to have her interview for the au pair job. Through this first shot of Rebecca we can see that her beauty is important to her and that she wants to make a good impression. This makes Peter’s killing of her even more tragic as she holds her beauty as important to her, so he did not only take her life from her but also her body.

While driving up to the manor, as the car drives down the drive, in the foreground of the shot we see a white rose with thorns on it. This rose alludes to Peter and Rebecca’s relationship, just as the song ‘Tainted Love’ did. On the outside their love looks like it will be beautiful and pure, but it will also cause pain. In a similar vein, the rose also portrays Peter as a character - beautiful on the outside but someone who will hurt you if you get too close.

On her arrival at Bly Manor, Rebecca tells Flora and Miles that she’s not “practically perfect” like their “very own Mary Poppins”, but rather that she is “perfectly splendid”. From this we learn that the reason why Flora was describing everything as being “perfectly splendid” in Episode 1 (and subsequently), is because of this first meeting with Rebecca.

Flora’s use of the phrase shows us how much she loved Rebecca and how much of an impact Rebecca had on her as a new mother figure of sorts. This is one of the things that makes Rebecca’s death so sad, because Flora had such a bond with her new motherly figure and she was the unfortunate one who first found Rebecca dead in the lake - so by using the phrase that Rebecca used, Flora is able to keep a bit of her with her all the time.

A small detail to notice; is that the lighter that Peter uses and lets Miles play with, is the lighter that Luke, also played by Oliver Jackson-Cohen, uses in The Haunting of Hill House.

After bringing the flowers for Flora/Rebecca, Peter explains to Miles that you have to find out which ‘key’ (thing to please a person) is the right fit, in order to open the door to them. This is not only the explanation for why Miles said that he was trying to find Father Stack’s ‘key’ in episode 2, but it is also a reference to the theme of keys in The Haunting of Hill House.

In Hill House the members of the family were trying to look for the right key to open the door to The Red Room, but it is later revealed that the individual themself is the key to the door, and that the room puts on different ‘faces’ to placate its current inhabitant. In the same way as The Red Room, Peter employs different tactics (flowers for Rebecca; alcohol, flattery and money for Henry Wingrave) in order to win favour from them and he consumes Rebecca just like how The Red Room was slowly consuming whoever was inhabiting it.

While Owen, Hannah, Jamie, Dani and the children are staying up in case Peter returns, Dani and Jamie have a conversation about possession and love. Jamie begins the conversation by again ‘testing the water’ with Dani, as she asks her if she wished that she was curled up with Owen instead of Hannah. In Episode 2 Jamie questioned Owen to find out if he was interested in Dani (which he wasn’t); and now Jamie is similarly trying to find out if Dani has any interest in Owen. Jamie presumably does this because if she finds out that Dani is interested in Owen, then she thinks that she will have no chance of pursuing her and might as well give up before she even tries.

The conversation moves on to “love and possession” and Dani tells Jamie “I don’t think that should be possible. I mean, they’re opposites really, love and ownership”. This one little thing that Dani says to Jamie foreshadows the fate of their relationship. When Dani and Jamie leave Bly Manor to go and live in Vermont and start a proper relationship together, they both started the relationship knowing that they were never a possession belonging to the other. Since The Lady of the Lake took some possession of Dani, her and Jamie always knew that they were on borrowed time and whether they wanted to admit it or not, that they’d have to let each other go at some point.

In Episode 9 when Jamie goes back to Bly and finds Dani’s body in the lake, she even invites Dani into her and begs for her to “take me with you”. However, Older Jamie says that “Dani wouldn’t, Dani would never”, because Dani knows the difference between love and possession and she could never allow Jamie to invite her in because that’s not love.

This also strikes a stark contrast between Dani and Peter’s love. Dani’s love with JAmie was a real and pure love, as she wouldn’t allow Jamie to be possessed by her. However Peter’s love with Rebecca was a possessive love, as he abused the trust that Rebecca gave him and drowned her body so that she would also become a ghost and be with him.

Hannah then wakes up and says that the children really ought to be in bed, and when Miles wakes up he says that he “had a bad dream” where he “hurt” Hannah. This “bad dream” isn’t a dream but it’s Miles vaguely remembering Peter pushing Hannah down the well, when Peter was in possession over Miles’ body. This tells us that the owner of the body does have some partial recollection of what the possessor was doing with their body.

When Dani goes to bed, the severed hand that she sees on her bed after spotting Eddie’s glasses on her bedside table is not just any hand, but it’s Eddie’s (we can see it’s his hand from the watch and blood we see on his hand in Episode 4). Eddie’s severed hand is also an indication that Dani’s feelings towards Jamie are getting stronger, because as her feelings for Jamie get stronger, so does her guilt over Eddie’s death and coming to terms with her sexuality.

When Dani comes downstairs the next morning, we get a shot of her watching over Jamie as realises that stayed on the sofa in the manor for the night. If we view Dani’s hand on Jamie’s shoulder (at the very end of Episode 9) as Dani watching over Jamie in some sort of way, then this moment is another sweet (but sad) foreshadowing of the quiet and caring watchfulness that Dani will give Jamie for the rest of her life.

Back in the past timeline, Flora gifts Rebecca the doll that she said she would make for her. Rebecca had previously told Flora that “I like all the colours” and so Flora said that she’d make her a doll with “all the colours”. When giving Rebecca the doll, Flora tells Rebecca that “Miles says that if you mix all the colours in the world together, you get black”. It may be a stretch, but as the dolls have a very intertwined relationship with the people they are made for, this might be a forewarning of Rebecca’s own fate.

Before coming to Bly, Rebecca had everything going for her and her future was incredibly bright, just as Hannah says in Episode 4, “she was brilliant, she was beautiful”. However, after meeting Peter Quint, her future becomes dark after he ruins any chance at a good future that she once had after he drowns her. So, in the same way as “you get black” from mixing all the vibrant colours in the world, Rebecca’s future also becomes black when she once had such a bright future.

Retuning to the present, Miles and Flora gather everyone to come and watch their ‘story time’, which Owen tells Dani is “like therapy for them” and to make sure Flora (and presumably Miles also) has “processed whatever she’s been chewing on”. Miles tells the story of a puppet named Poppet, who we can assume from the story itself and Miles’ costume/makeup, is a pseudonym for Miles himself.

In the story, Miles tells his audience how Poppet’s creator, Claude (who we can assume is Peter), got angry at the puppet for forgetting who his maker was and forgetting that he had strings. This could be Miles processing Peter’s controlling nature as the ‘puppet master’ over Miles, who “pulled on their strings” (takes control of Miles’ body) whenever he pleases, which “hurt[s]” him.

Finally, the episode ends with Owen and Jamie going home after Owen’s neighbour, Mr McQueeny, rings to tell him that his mother has died. Dani walks Jamie to her car and tells her that she’s “so glad you stayed”, a small compliment as a way for her to ease-in to try to tell Jamie how she feels about her. But Dani telling Jamie that she’s “so glad” is only an insignificant drop in the ocean of the emotions that she’s feeling.

Finding that her words aren’t a sufficient enough way for her to articulate her feelings, without a word Dani tentatively reaches out to hold Jamie’s hand, breaking the physical barrier between them which has not yet been broken - and more than likely a barrier that Dani hasn’t ventured to cross with anyone since Eddie’s, never mind doing so for the first time of her acting on her sexuality. With only a simple touch and a heartfelt look, Dani is able to convey more of her feelings than she ever would have if she’d tried to use words to explain how she felt.

After Jamie leaves, Dani sees Eddie’s spectre once again. Except for perhaps the severed hand, which isn’t quite the same as the spectre, the spectre of Eddie that we see in this scene is the most aggressive vision of Dani’s Eddie-related-guilt that we’ve seen.

Firstly, Eddie’s spectre is standing right in front of Dani, confronting her directly, whereas previously Dani had only seen him in the reflections of mirrors or windows - usually she can try to reduce seeing the spectre by covering up mirror, but now he’s apppearing right in front of her, unavoidable and inescapable.

Secondly, the spectre is violently pulled back towards the manor, again this is the first time that we’ve ever seen Eddie’s spectre move - when we see his image in any reflections, he is always standing still.

Thirdly, Dani actually gives out a loud scream at seeing Eddie spectre. She often does give a shocked gasp or a small yelp when she sees him but she has never screamed like this, so we can see that she is even more shocked than usual by his appearance.

The aggressiveness of Eddie’s spectre, the difference in the way that he appears to Dani and the fact that he appears after she has just taken a leap and outwardly showed her romantic interest in Jamie - which is likely to be the first time that she’s ever acted on her sexuality, except for when she broke off her engagement which didn’t end well - confirms to us that his appearances have been related to the guilt over his death and the shame that she feels about her sexuality, which she believes is what led to his death.

You can read my previous The Haunting of Bly Manor posts here:-

Episode 1 - The Great Good Place

Episode 2 - The Pupil

Episode 4 - The Way It Came

Episode 5 - The Altar of the Dead

Episode 6 - The Jolly Corner

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yyparkq · 4 years ago

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meraki

([may-rah-kee] GREEK

(n.) to do something with your soul. Creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into your work)

word count: 8,706

pairing: jaebeom x reader

a/n: part of got7 alive fest on twitter. you may also view this on ao3! :)

“Can I buy you a drink?” you offered enthusiastically as you slide beside the man who doesn’t pay any attention to the girl on his other side. The woman glared at your boldness and stomped away when her subject instantly tilted his head to your direction. Trying to hide your own thumping heart, you smiled at his incredulous expression.

After living as a hermit for a few years and squeezing all the creative juices out of your brains onto literary masterpieces, you finally decide to venture out again to your old world. When asked for a recommendation, your agent/best friend didn’t miss a beat telling you about the upcoming party being thrown by your common friends in college—an unusual bachelor party and bridal shower in one. Hearing all the possible details from her made it sound twice more interesting and fun. Before you even knew it, you were nodding your head in excitement and confirming your attendance at the upcoming event. The timing was perfect. You had your scheduled flight earlier on the day of the party, so you could go straight there. The thought of finally seeing your college friends after five years excited you, but above all, you were yearning to see one specific person you dearly missed—Lim Jaebeom.

You had been studying his profile—one you’d recognize anywhere—ever since you entered the party. It’s almost as if he never changed except for his seemingly wider shoulders and longer hair. You smiled at the thought of him still being so fond of casually donning the most basic clothes that otherwise fit the occasion. That, and yet he still managed to pull it off and stand out from the rest of the crowd. Like how he’s wearing a crisp white button-down shirt and slacks that looked way too stiff for a guy to wear at a party. His now long hair slightly unkempt and falling on one side of his cheek.

To say he was surprised is a huge understatement. The last thing he could have expected from Mark’s party is the presence of a woman who dropped him like a hot potato without a single word five years ago, now materializing in front of him and striking up a conversation as if it was yesterday. A tinge of betrayal crept into him as he realized his best friend didn’t bother giving him a heads up about your attendance. He could have prepared a more controlled reaction than a pair of wide eyes and mouth agape with astonishment. Pulling himself together, he looked back at you with a more reserved gaze.

Unconsciously, you bit your lip and broke the eye contact, feeling your cheeks warm but thankful for the dimness of the place at the same time. You never expected his gaze to still have the same overwhelming effect on you even after almost a decade of knowing him.

You cut the eye contact and turned your attention to the bartender in front of you instead, requesting for your usual drink to keep from further making a fool of yourself in front of Jaebeom.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to try that phrase at least once,” you laughed after the bartender slides you your glass. “That was bad, wasn’t it?”

Jaebeom clicked his tongue and took a sip from the half-empty glass in his hand. His sheer annoyance was evident in the way he twisted his wrist and set down the glass abruptly on the counter. As if trying to say something, he looked at you and opened his mouth but was cut short when your friend Wheein screamed your name on the top of her lungs and made her way to your seat.

“Mark is looking for you!” she shouted after putting an arm on your shoulders in an attempt to sweep you to the direction where she came from. You rolled your eyes at her and stood firm in your seat, refusing to be dragged by her strong arms. She tilted her head in question before looking over to the guy seated beside you and instantly grasped the situation. “Oh,” she gasped softly when she recognized Jaebeom. “Look for Mark after you’re done here, he’s in one of the tables at the corner, making out with his bride. Seriously, doesn’t this completely defy the very reason for bachelor’s parties and bridal showers?” she added to which you only answer with a sarcastic smile and a nod. She looked back at the guy beside you and winked before disappearing back into the sea of dancing people.

Despite the blaring music at the party, you and Jaebeom sat in complete silence. Neither of you attempted to start an empty conversation. The situation reminded you of one of the hundred things you used to like about being with him—for you, words and silence both held equal meaning. Though, sometimes words can betray someone twice more than a short silence can.

Growing up, you witness your parents spend most of their downtime doing their individual hobbies while still being together at the same time. Your mom solving her crossword puzzles while your dad watches his favorite crime and murder documentaries on cable tv. The comfortable silence between them has always been a pleasant memory and has been an important factor in most of your relationships.

A walking paradox. That’s what you are. For someone who believes in the power of silence, you also find comfort in expressing yourself through words. Your eloquence never dimmed as you grew up. The delicious combination of you being able to speak your heart out and listen attentively to the other party at the same time built a character that everybody around you loved to be with.

As an only child of a wealthy family, you grew up getting all the love and attention you needed from your humble parents. You were a vivacious child who was ready to face everything and chase her own dreams, thanks to your family who would always tell you to go after whatever made you happy. And even if it turned out to be something that wasn’t for you in the end, at least you wouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life wondering how things could have been if only you tried when you had the chance to. So when you first laid your eyes on an unfamiliar guy sitting in one of your elective classes in college, you knew you were in for a long ride.

Jaebeom’s presence always demanded attention no matter which room he was in. When he sat in front of you for the first time in one of your boring classes after spring break, you are quick to notice the curious stares and discreet glances from your own classmates. Recognizing the possibility of the competition being high, you wasted no time trying to get to know him and introduced yourself right after your class ended.

“Ah, the attentive girl,” he said when you followed him to the hallway and made your existence be known to him.

You smiled brightly, glad that your efforts in answering the professor’s questions correctly during class left a good first impression on him. He offered you a small smile, one that hardly reached his eyes but still made your heart flutter for the very first time. You were expecting to learn his name in exchange but instead, he only walked past you.

At the party, Jaebeom briefly glanced at the approaching guy behind you and sighed.

“This is nuts! Y/N, you really are here! I thought Wheein was just fucking around when she said she brought your ass to our party!” Mark exclaimed, wrapping you in an enormous embrace and ruffling your hair in the process. “Where the hell have you been to? We didn’t hear a single word from you since college. Are you married yet?”

Your eyes rolled at his accusing tone and giggled, briefly glancing back at Jaebeom who was also waiting for your response. “I’m not answering that, Tuan.”

Mark slapped the other guy’s back and whispered something in his ear which he responded with a creased forehead and confused eyes back. Mark laughed and turned his attention to you, showing you the way to the bigger table where everyone else from your common circle had gathered. One last look at Jaebeom’s unamused expression and you let the former guy lead your body, unaware of the latter trailing behind you to join the table.

Five long years you spent living away from your family and friends, justifying the need importance of exercising your independence and trying to hone your skills and interests by taking a literary degree overseas. At some point, you did want to pursue a career in writing. It was your childhood dream, after all. But it wasn’t the only reason you endured half a decade away from the closest people of your life and stepped out of your comfort zone. The moment you decided you wanted to start again, you knew the main reason is to run away from the guy who repeatedly broke your heart. And now that you’re back, you are determined to show a different version of yourself to everyone. One that is no longer naive when it comes to love and to life. You’re fairly confident you’re more than ready to play your part in this new beginning.

Some say we don’t get to choose who we love, but you beg to differ. When you’re stubborn and you love to prove people wrong, it doesn’t come as a surprise when you have chosen to give your all to Lim Jaebeom the moment you laid your eyes on him. Chasing someone for years in this time and day should qualify for modern martyrdom. Jaebeom is one tough nut to crack especially when romantic relationships and commitments don’t exist in his world. That much is known to you but you did not give up, relentlessly bugging him every time you got a chance just to be together—even if it meant only hanging out as good friends. You were vocal with your intentions and your actions spoke so much to your words. Guys wanted to be Lim Jaebeom in a way a girl, as deemed perfect as you are, was always by his side supporting him in his endeavors.

All of your friends used to excessively warn you about Jaebeom being a bad idea, but you must have been blinded by your love that you failed to recognize the red flags that practically waved at you before.

How Jaebeom was able to turn you down twice could be considered a mystery unsolved for everyone, even for his own self. There is no doubt about your intelligence, you’re highly responsible and driven, you’re empathetic and humble and the majority loves to be around you. On top of that, your beauty fits the current societal standards that you don’t even have to try hard. Everyone sees no reason for any man to reject you except that you could be close to an epitome of perfection, setting the bar far too high for anyone.

Mark’s table was filled with laughter and yells from your friends when you reached it. Most of his guests were from the wealthiest families who have been specializing in throwing parties since college. Fortunately, the majority of your closest circle of friends managed to group themselves for that night when you joined them. Stories and questions about the time you spent away from everyone else rained on you. How you spent the last five years—stories about your campus life, your travels, the one of a kind experiences you had—were mostly shared that night. Somehow, Jaebeom was thankful for Mark’s presence for he knew he wouldn’t be able to hear so much from you if you were left alone with him.

Jaebeom and Mark took pride in your highly improved alcohol tolerance. Both expected you slurring on your words after a couple of cocktail drinks like you used to in college but there you were, looking as sober as you could as you briefly played poker with the other guests and even after downing innumerable glasses of cocktails and beers in the last four hours at the party.

Somehow you managed to genuinely enjoy the time at the party, playing games, dancing, and laughing with your friends, all the while thinking about the fact that Jaebeom had been talking to a girl he’s involved himself with—the last straw from five years ago. It would have been a lie if you said you never played all the possible scenarios in your head to prepare yourself when you once again meet the two people who have caused you your heartache before.

It took Jaebeom a couple more hours before mustering the courage to actually strike a conversation with you. Just when you were about to call it a night and head back home did he find himself quicker on his heels. All you wanted at that moment was to go home, plop yourself into your bed, and sleep the night away—exhaustion finally dawning into you.

It almost drove him crazy when he realized that you almost left again that night without bidding him goodbye. He hated how you made it look so easy to leave him every time.

You stopped dead in your tracks after hearing Jaebeom shout your name.

He rushed to you and gently reached out for your arm, his cheeks and nose were burning and you’re not sure if it’s because of the liquor or the crisp night air of the nearing autumn season. “Y/N. Let’s talk,” he said.

The corners of your mouth slightly twitched upwards after clearly hearing his voice for the first time that night.

A talk would’ve been a nice idea if your mind was not so clouded with the thoughts and memories with him right now. You already promised yourself to not give in to his ill intentions. You could only hope to make sound and logical judgments for yourself this time especially when he seems to know so well when and how to talk you out to serve his best interest.

You opened your mouth for a second before shaking your head and looking briefly at the ground. “I can’t—I can’t talk, Jae,” you sighed, feeling the night air nip on your bare skin. “Not right now. I’m exhausted. Maybe next time?” you whispered weakly and your forehead creased when you felt a ringing inside your head. Why did you even think a night of partying after a five-hour flight was a good idea?

Jaebeom stared at you for a good minute and noticed your utter discomfort unrelated to his presence “Then just let me drive you home. You look like you’ll pass out any second from now.”

Even after all the years that passed, he’s still able to look right through you and read you like an open book—one that had bothered you the most before and the very reason that kept you from coming back. You knew you wouldn’t be fooling anyone if you said you’re over him, and yet you’re in this situation.

You could have just called Wheein to drop you off your apartment. But your head started getting heavy and the thought of heading back to the party to fetch her didn’t sound like a good idea; you’re certain she wouldn’t be able to check her phone right away if you call her.

As if reading your mind, he proceeded to tug on your arm and guide you to his car. “I’ll tell Mark to send your car tomorrow.”

You muttered a quick thanks and typed your new apartment’s address to his car’s navigation before helplessly falling asleep during the ride.

Jaebeom stared at your face for a while after parking in front of your building. He wanted so much to hold you close to him and feel your body against him again but he knew better than to chase you away for the second time. It had been so long since he saw you this close. And though he spent a number of times visiting you incognito, he couldn’t help but feel a much stronger sense of regret for all the things that he has done to hurt you.

The clicking sound of your seatbelts being unfastened pulled you from the slumber. Jaebeom’s face was inches away from yours and you had to push him away due to shock. The brief nap you had made you feel so much better, your head feeling much lighter.

“Thanks for the ride,” you muttered sheepishly and immediately turned to open your side of the door to get off his car.

He stayed inside his car until he saw you made your way up into the elevator and remained seated in the dark for at least half an hour more before leaving the building.

Maybe hate is not the opposite of love, but indifference. Even in both spectrums, you couldn’t quite put a finger where you stood in your relationship with Lim Jaebeom. He’s like an opaque glass, extremely unpredictable and distant. There might have been times when you thought he’s finally letting his guard down and you inside his invisible shell, but now you’re not sure if or any of those times were even real. Despite being erratic, you stayed by his side, continuously cheering him on with his major life decisions as an unwanted friend and supporter.

It was your last semester break in college—one that didn’t really look like a break since graduation requirements were starting to pile up in addition to your internships and remaining academic classes—when Jaebeom stopped explicitly flirting with girls and started to constantly hang around you. He had a knack of fooling other people to believe he liked them more than he truly did, and you were in no way an exception in one of his schemes then. He made you feel you were important to him, made you think that he actually loved you and you never dared question it for once, finally seeing the end of your own chase.

Your friends thought he was finally coming to his senses and was getting ready to establish a serious relationship with you. Despite your conflicting schedules, every night he’d wait for your shift and classes to end to simply grab dinner together and then drive you back home. Even after he dropped you off, he’d call you’ll talk about the most random things over the phone until you both fell asleep. On his lunch breaks, he’d occasionally text you the lamest jokes he’s learned. His efforts never failed to make you smile.

But his sweet gestures lasted only for almost half a year. Right when you’ve finally garnered the courage to formalize taking your relationship to the next level, he had decided to put a stop to the little game he thought was going on between you. You didn’t mind having to lead the relationship with him at all. Putting a label on your relationship seemed like the last step in accomplishing your goal, considering all your efforts in trying to make him fall in love with you. But the end doesn’t always justify the means. One thing you have learned the hard way. Relationships are supposed to be two-way. Both parties need to practice give and take. And throughout the course of loving Jaebeom, you failed to realize how you’ve excessively poured yourself to him that you almost left little to nothing for yourself.

After finding out that he had slept with one of your closest friends, the only thing you could think of was to run away. Away from everyone even for a short period of time. That was the last straw. If he happened to sleep around before showing you his gentle and caring side and promising you a future with him, you could easily will yourself to not get hurt. But how could he go around sleeping with another girl when he made it clear to you that he wanted you to stay in his life?

Desperate for an escape, you negotiated with your father to buy yourself time to heal and move on. When he gave you his blessing to move across the country and spend some time alone for a couple of years, you took it as an opportunity to run away.

With your love for literature, you decided to pursue a degree related to it. You spent most of your time traveling, looking for inspiration to start your piece. You traveled across countries, visiting the most romantic places on earth alone, casually reminiscing the relationship you had with Jaebeom and thinking of all the other possibilities that could have happened if only you knew better than to chase a guy away. If there was one thing you could be grateful for the most, despite your situation, it’s having a chance to prepare yourself to write your very first book. You’ve always pictured yourself publishing a novel in the science fiction/fantasy category. A couple of unfinished novels sat on your computer since high school, somehow you couldn’t find the will to finish any of them and end each story. Little did you know the first one you will author close to actual completion is inspired by your own encounter with the love of your life. You planned for an open-ended story, wanting to finish the novel but not brave enough to put an absolute end to the story yet.

Finally, it was time for you to keep your end of the bargain with your father. You needed to come back to assume a position in your family business. You thought five years was enough to get over Lim Jaebeom, but then it seemed as if you were always wrong when it comes to him.

Your new office was luxurious. It had an enormous space elegantly decorated with black and gold pieces of furniture and minimalist ornaments. The floor to ceiling glass windows was overlooking the bustling city and gave you a stunning view of the sunset. The secretary assigned to help you with your new role in the company looked a few years younger than you but was always quick to pick things up and anticipate your needs, which is exactly what you need for.

The idea of working with your family members never really pleased you, but you couldn’t go back on your word, not when your father had been constantly at your disposal, attending to most of your whims your whole life. You didn’t want to disappoint him in any way. With your attitude towards work, it had been easy for you to focus on the upcoming big projects you will soon be supervising for the company. You almost became the first and the last person to leave the building sooner than everybody expected. You didn’t mind spending hours of meeting with the board or the investors, presenting the most innovative projects.

A bouquet of flowers, which you paid almost no attention to, sat on the far end of your desk. You were rarely the kind of person who appreciated such notions until you noticed a small note—congratulating you on your first day—before going out of your office to attend a meeting. There was no implication of who the sender was but you already have an idea.

Every single day in the next two weeks, different kinds of flowers greeted you in the office. You had to tell your secretary to get rid of every single one of it after plucking out each note and stashing it in one of your desk drawers. At one point, your secretary asked if you’d rather have the lobby not accept the deliveries to save you both the effort in getting rid of it but you refused, not entirely sure why.

It’s Saturday morning but you decided to go to your office much earlier than you usually do, wanting to go over some reports that had bugged you all night. The sun had barely risen when you arrived, a steaming cup of coffee on your hand. You gripped the hot drink tightly when you noticed Jaebeom’s tall frame inside your office. Sometimes it just makes you question the security of the place, really.

“Ah, I find it easier to get rid of flowers than of a human,” you spat. “What are you doing here?”

Jaebeom turned around to watch your guarded expression as you circled around your desk and settled in your chair. He wondered how come you have changed so much. “You never spoke to me after that night.”

You scoffed. Did he really think you were back in the city to continue chasing a man? “I don’t think there’s anything we need to talk about, Mr. Lim,” you smiled tightly and briefly remembered yourself instigating a talk after Mark’s party. “Besides, you’re not the reason I came back.”

Jaebeom closed the distance between you two. “You’ve changed. A lot.”

You wanted to scream at his face but you knew better than to openly show your feelings around him again. Trying your best to act nonchalant, you tilted your head to the side. “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. It’s easier for you to assume that I have because this is not the Y/N you used to mess around with, right?” you said with a smile and stood up, planning to open the door and kick him out of your office. “I really hope you did change too, Beomie.”

It only took Jaebeom a couple of strides to stop you midstep. He turned you to face him and dipped his head slightly, lifting your chin in one swift motion to briefly press his lips on yours. His other hand lightly grazed your cheek. It was a light peck on the lips but it felt and tasted exactly how he did years ago. How you managed to preserve such memories of him surprised you.

You were stunned. Stunned by the fact that he kissed you ever so gently like you were a fragile little thing.

He paused and looked at you and you couldn’t stand another moment so close to him without his lips on yours. Soon, you started returning his kisses until you were both gasping for air. Just like that, the last five years you spent trying to move on from Jaebeom went down the drain.

“I fucking missed you,” he whispered and lightly kissed the sides of your mouth, arms circling around your waist. “So much.”

You tried so hard to not push him away as soon as those words left his mouth. For years you craved hearing it from him but why now? You were ready to go on with your life. Tears started to prick at the corner of your eyes. You never wanted to admit it to yourself but you missed him, too, dearly.

Only when you replied with nothing but a complete silence did Jaebeom stop his ministrations and took a good look at you. The conflict going on in your head evident on your face and he blanched.

“You selfish prick,” you muttered, blinking away the moisture in your eyes. “I don’t want to play your games anymore. I already spent number of years hating myself because of you. Please don’t make me feel that way again.”

Jaebeom pulled you in for a proper hug and shook his head lightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he cooed. “Let me make this right, please?” he begged. “Let’s have dinner later. I’ll pick you up, okay?” he searched your eyes for approval but you shook your head and peeled yourself away from him.

Fuck dinner.

The moment Jaebeom vanished from your office, you freely let your tears fall. All the walls you’d built around yourself for years came crumbling down all with just a fucking kiss. You let yourself weep for a few more minutes before pulling yourself together again and trying your best to focus on your work. It’s a good thing that all that happened on a Saturday morning when you barely had an employee around to see you on your most vulnerable state. After a few hours, you couldn’t seem to properly do what you intended to do that day so you just brought the papers you’re supposed to review, hoping you could finally take a look with a clear mind by the time you reach your apartment.

It was around 7 P.M. when your doorbell rang. Jaebeom’s face flashed on the little screen of your doorbell intercom. Did he take your response earlier as an approval to take you to a fucking dinner?

There is no way you will be going out with him again. And yet Jaebeom stood silently at the other side of the door for almost two hours. He couldn’t forget how soft you could get for other people—even for a cruel man like himself who didn’t deserve you. And you? How could you forget how stubborn he could be when he wants something?

You dressed in a simple white shirt and pants and put on a light coat before exiting your apartment. Jaebeom’s eyes lit up at the sound of the doors unlocking. He smiled despite you pulling an annoyed expression on him. You briefly argued about bringing your own cars to the diner. Insisting you should share a ride to the restaurant, Jaebeom ended up in your passenger seat.

The dinner went unexpectedly smooth and you appreciated how he tried to make the mood light. You started talking like old friends over dinner, reminiscing some of the most memorable experiences you shared from years ago yet careful to not touch sensitive topics that would otherwise ruin the evening.

The night ended with him insisting to drive back. He knew how you used to hate driving when it was dark due to your bad eyesight back in college. Though you already underwent LASIK surgery and found no problem driving now, somehow the unpleasant memory was still at the back of your mind whenever you got behind the wheel at night so you opted not to protest.

The short drive to your apartment had been filled with comfortable silence except for Jaebeom’s occasional snide remarks directed to other drivers on the road.

It was a spur of the moment decision when you invited him to your home for a cup of tea—something you used to both enjoy after a long day.

You knew very well where this was going but you didn’t care, too tired to worry about things that hadn’t happened yet. Once again you wanted to just yield with fate.

The first night with Jaebeom after five awfully long years was spent snuggling close to each other while watching a movie. The old Jaebeom you knew wouldn’t have stayed for the night unless you begged him to, but now it seemed the tables had completely turned as he practically begged you to allow him to stay with you, promising he’d keep his hands to himself.

“What’s the point of staying here, then?” you teased him.

He blushed at your words and muttered something inaudible before you both settled comfortably under your sheets, the movie playing in the background as you felt each other’s warm body.

Every weekday after work, you would grab dinner together—in restaurants, takeouts, sometimes you alternate making home-cooked meals. Weekends were spent still hanging out together. He’d often invite himself over your house and show up at your doorstep uninvited. Soon he learned your passcode but never really used it to let himself inside until you tried to ignore his calls and refuse to open the door for him.

He was like a piece of gum that’s hard to get rid of and you’d be lying if you said you had no idea what’s coming.

Jaebeom and you both silently came to the conclusion of not wasting time playing stupid games anymore. Five years worth of time had just been wasted and you didn’t have the luxury of time chasing each other around instead of actually making up for the time that you lost.

Your current setup extended for two more months and you were starting to think that your history repeated itself. The situation felt all too familiar—constant hanging out, occasional making out sessions, endless arguments, and banter over the smallest of things. One thing that has changed though is how Jaebeom had become undeniably soft for you each time. He smiled and joked a lot around you and showered you with physical affection more every time he got the chance. At the back of your mind, you were thinking of the possibility of him doing all these little cute things just to get into your pants, but seeing him not even try his hardest to get it on with you makes you doubt yourself for even thinking about it. He could have jumped into bed with you and used your body for all he wanted but he never did, always asking for your consent even for a mere kiss on the lips every time. The way he would pause less than an inch away from your face before kissing you or the way he would hold you loose so you can easily get out of his grasp whenever he held you.

Wheein gave up trying to help you open your eyes and avoid making the same mistakes after the first month you constantly spent with Jaebeom. She knew you too well to try and waste energy to convince you that you were just gonna end up hurting yourself more this time. That and the fact that she hadn’t seen you this euphoric for the longest time. All she can do now was hope that your man was not stupid enough to let you go again.

The last two months had gone so smoothly. And you know sooner or later you would have to actually talk like real adults in a relationship. So far, Jaebeom still hadn’t made any move in identifying what kind of relationship you were having and you were afraid that you would fall more deeply in love with a guy who hadn’t changed one bit for you.

The following weekend, Jaebeom invited you over to his place. He entered an expensive neighborhood on the outskirts of town and pulled up to an elegant-looking residence. It had stunning glass walls and warm lights that illuminated the vicinity of the house.

You bit back your tongue to stop yourself from asking incredulous questions. You wanted so bad to ask him if he’s married. There’s no way he’s living in that house alone and without a family.

He opened your door and led you inside the house. It smelled so much of fresh sandalwood like his old apartment. You looked around the house and smiled at the grand piano that sat in the living room. You’d always pictured your kids with him taking after his musical talents.

You flinched when Jaebeom hugged you from behind. Instantly blushing at your own playful thoughts of building a family with him.

He chuckled and lightly took your hand, entwining your fingers together before grazing his lips against it. “Are you thinking about it?”

Your brows knit together. “About what?”

“The piano at your parents’ house?” he smiled. “We almost did it.”

Your eyes shut at the memory of making out with Jaebeom at one of the parties your cousin threw in your house. That was the first time you kissed Jaebeom and since then you never had enough of him. You took a deep breath and tried to focus on your agenda for tonight. You had to make sure you cleared things up between you two before cruising towards yet another possible road to heartbreak.

Sighing, you turned around and marched away from him but stopped when you saw the dinner he had prepared. He led you to the table and pulled out a chair for you. Your heart is throbbing so loud, you were worried he might be able to hear it.

“Jae—”

Before you could even begin, he shushed you. “I know what you’re trying to say. We can talk about it later. Let’s eat first. Please?”

Did he know, really? Maybe he did but he just didn’t care. It’s not that impossible. Maybe he did not change at all. He was still the selfish bastard who only knew how to take from you and never gave even the smallest piece of himself in return.

You couldn’t stand to let the questions live in your mind rent-free. It should be now or never. If he were to say he didn’t want a relationship, then so be it. You weren’t looking for another reason to cry, you’ve had enough of that. I’m ready, you told yourself inside your head. Ready to face the worst again tonight.

“No. We have to talk about this now. Otherwise, we’ll go around in circles again. And I’m tired, Jaebeom.” It took you a great amount of willpower to display a straight face in front of him. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. The last few months have been great but that’s it. That’s all we could ever be. I don’t want to go any further.”

You’re a terrible liar.

“You say I’m selfish. And I know very well the game you are playing.” He reached for your hands but you stepped away. “But you can’t win, Y/N,” he said, confident in his own words. “Because you already want me. And you don’t stop chasing what you want until you get your hands on it.”

Maybe he was right. You were terrified thinking he did not change after all these years and yet you never realized you took little to no step in changing yourself when it came to him.

You shook your head, tears attempting to escape the corner of your eyes.

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” your voice trembled. “Every second I spend with you, I’m on my toes. Ready to protect myself from being hurt again. But—but right now, I want to make an exception. I will let myself be hurt again if it means I will finally be able to completely let you go.

“Please tell me you never really loved me. I might have been in love but I wasn’t that stupid. I swear we were almost there. I believed it. I believed every time. And yet you made it look so easy to turn your back at me. For years I have questioned my worth to be treated like that. Was I not enough?”

Jaebeom’s cheeks flushed. His eyes are burning.

“I wasn’t ready for you to leave me then!” he shouted as he walked away from you and collapsed onto the couch, his hands roughly brushing his face in an attempt to clear his thoughts. “Everyone I love does,” a short silence and then he got up again. “I didn’t want you to leave me then or now,” he whispered quietly.

You laughed and stood in front of him. “So you slept around after telling me you want me to stay in your life? You thought that would make me stay?”

“I never slept with anyone then.”

If not for the sincere gaze he held with you, you’d definitely think he’s lying. But Jaebeom rarely lied. He’s a cold-hearted asshole who hurt people with the truth, no matter how hard it was.

“Then why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“At first I thought you got tired of me because I finally confessed to you. I thought you were done and that you were ready to leave me. I talked to your parents—”

“You talked to my parents?”

He nodded. “They told me you were moving across the country to get away from me. How could I stop you when your father almost wanted to kill me when he told me how you cried every night thinking your parents didn’t hear you?”

Jaebeom quietly stood up and faced you. He cupped your face and muttered “I’m sorry” repeatedly, kissing your tears as they continued to stream down your cheeks. “I love you so damn much. I will never forgive myself if I lose you again. Please trust me again. For the last time?”

He pulled you with him and settled back down to the couch. You stayed in his arms silently for the rest of the night.

The next morning, you woke up to the sound of your phone ringing. Your swollen eyes hurt the moment you tried to look for the loud device. How you ended up in one of the beds in an unfamiliar house after a night of crying is a question easily thrown out the window.

An arm tightened around your waist when you attempted to get up. You whipped your head at the man beside you. He was sporting a deep frown beneath his long strands that partially covered his face. His wide shoulders on full display as he slept shirtless.

Your heart thumped loudly at the sight of Lim Jaebeom’s face so early in the morning. You wanted to kiss him. But you still owed yourself time to think through everything before jumping on your feelings again, aiming for a sound and logical justification of your next actions hoping to save yourself from any regrets in the near future.

You asked for space. A clear space to do your thinking and evaluation of your current status with Jaebeom. He promised to give it to you but with a condition—he will get to talk to you even on the phone every morning. The hell was this man actually thinking? How were you supposed to do your thinking when he’s continuously trying to fill your system with himself? Knowing he wouldn’t back down from any argument, you never objected but never promised anything either.

Every morning, a husky voice greeted you on the other line. This continued for a week and a half until he can no longer bear not seeing you in flesh.

“Come on, we already let five years pass. That’s more than enough time of suffering for me, baby,” he told you when he barged in your office carrying a baked salmon takeout for lunch. He knew that kind of food will work its magic on you. And sure, it did. When he was available during lunch, he’d come by your office to grab a meal with you. He’d also wait for you to finish your work to drive you back home. A lot of times you had to ask your secretary to take your car home.

You wanted to take all the time that you needed to establish your relationship with him. But when your friend Wheein played cupid for the both of you and hoisted an incredibly hot guy as your suitor to serve as ‘threat’, Jaebeom wasted no second in claiming you as his girlfriend, despite the fact that you both have been definitely acting like one already. “Seriously, Y/N? Do you ever learn? You need the commitment to make this shit work! Let me do the work for you.” Wheein scolded you when you told him you’re not yet in a conventional “official relationship”.

Mark’s wedding came. The ceremony had been elegant and extremely intimate. A slight contradiction to his past relationship with his now-wife.

Throughout the ceremony, Jaebeom stared at you from the altar. He watched as your eyes shone with tears when the bride walked the aisle and the couple shared their handwritten vows. He watched as you tried to look away when he was caught intently staring at you from across the church, trying to shy away from the evident desire to be in the same shoes as the bride.

If he could, he would have given you the world. He was ready to give you anything you asked for just for you to be happy. Marriage, he thought, is something that never really crossed his mind until you came back. Considering all the shit he put you through, he wouldn’t be surprised if you turn him down at least once. Maybe he deserves it but he will never give up on you again.

Thoughts cloud his mind but Jaebeom managed to keep his hands on you the whole course of the afterparty when he wasn’t aiding the groom. You didn’t mind, noticing the clouded expression plastered on his face. He didn’t have any liquor so he should be just tired, you assume.

That night, you decided to sleep over at his apartment. Wanting to save your boyfriend some extra time from driving back and forth from your house to his. Plus, his building was relatively closer to the reception compared to yours. Fortunately, Jaebeom lit up at your decision, excited to spend another weekend with you.

As soon as the door to his apartment closed, his lips found yours. It took you a second before returning his frantic kisses, your head lightly bumping into the wooden door as he pressed his own body against yours. He kissed you as if his life depended on it. His hands skimmed your curves and bunched up a fistful of your gown to caress your thigh.

Desperately gasping for air, you pushed him. Jaebeom must have noticed your legs almost turning into a jelly so he hoisted your hips upward, your legs automatically straddling his as he walked into the bedroom while supporting your body with a hand on your ass.

The way he gently placed you on the bed almost shocked you, like you were somewhat made of glass that could be broken with the slightest pressure. He propped himself on one elbow and stared at your eyes. You can tell something’s bothering him.

“A penny for your thoughts?” you whispered as you lightly touched his face, worried.

He shook his head and nuzzled your head instead of answering. Silently, he continued to stroke your sides and thigh lightly.

You didn’t want to force him to tell you what was bothering him, so you exerted an effort to flip your positions, determined to help your boyfriend relax.

Straddling his waist, you perched on top of him and started kissing him passionately. Slowly, you undid each button of his shirt.

He moved to help you discard his shirt and then reached around you to unzip your dress. He pulled the garment over your head and threw it on the floor. Now you’re completely bare in front of him, except for your underwear.

“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered on your lips before kissing you again. The way you ground your hips on his crotch driving him mad.

You stopped him when he attempted to go south, remembering your desire to help him ease the tension.

Jaebeom looked at you with confusion when you captured both his wrists and pinned them on either side of him.

“Let me take care of you,” you said, kissing the corner of his lips. The look on his eyes was replaced with amusement. You took your time concentrating on his upper body first, alternately kissing and sucking on his neck down to his abs while your hands massaged his member through his pants.

Jaebeom bit his lip. The mere sight of you naked and working on his jeans, barely even touching him, is enough to make his cock twitch in his pants. Each second you spent teasing him by slowing your movements was pure torture.

He immediately lifted his hips to help you pull his pants enough to free his cock.

Your hands instantly held the swollen tip and spread the precum around his head. You barely even touched him and the fact that he was hard as a rock for you sent delicious heat to your core. Your hands went up and down his shaft a few times, applying just the right pressure you came to learn lately with him.

Jaebeom had his eyes closed, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth, trying his best not to moan.

Seeing Jaebeom unravel under your touch had become your addiction.

Your mouth soon replaced the greater portion where your hands used to touch a second earlier. And that was all it took for Jaebeom to finally moan loud, followed by a string of curses as his hips uncontrollably jerked at the warm feeling of your mouth. His hands found purchase on your hair. His moans motivated you to take him deeper down your throat in each thrust until you were almost gagging, eyes moist with tears.

He tried to keep himself from thrusting hard on your mouth when he noticed a tear escape your eye. “Shit. Baby, are you okay?”

You lightly shook your head and continued bobbing your head up and down his shaft until you could feel his cock twitch uncontrollably inside your mouth, signaling his release.

Jaebeom immediately pulled out and laid you on the bed, kissing you hard. He moved your panties to one side, dipping a finger to test your wetness. His other hand fondled your breast, twisting and pinching your nipples. You moaned to the kiss and arched your back, his ministrations throwing all of your senses into overdrive.

He peeled the last piece of clothing off of you and licked a strip between your folds before working his wet muscle inside your walls. You screamed and almost crushed his skull between your legs if not for his arms that massaged your mounds.

“Beom-ah,” you panted.

Jaebeom hummed in return, the vibrations causing your opening to clench around his tongue. He used his fingers to open you up and suck on your clit then proceeded to thrust fingers into your core.

You shook uncontrollably as the orgasm hit you and Jaebeom didn’t cease his fingers’ movements. He got back up and kissed your lips again. Aligning the tip of his cock to your opening.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you so fucking much. You drive me crazy.” he panted as he sheathed himself inside of you.

You wanted to say it back but your body was aching. After all the sex with your boyfriend, your core still doesn’t seem to have adjusted to his girth.

Jaebeom waited a few minutes before moving his hips, letting you adjust around him. He peppered kisses on your face and behind your ear. “Still so fucking tight.”

“I love you too, Lim Jaebeom,” you whispered and moved your hips after adjusting.

Jaebeom started thrusting, slow but hard. All the while he was intently looking at your face, contorted with pleasure. He kept saying he loves you and you kept ignoring it, unable to make out words in your current position.

“Y/N shit,” he breathed. “I love you so much. Please marry me and have kids with me.”

You opened your eyes to see the sincerity in his eyes. Fuck, he meant it.

“What?”

Jaebeom slowed down his thrusts even if it hurt. “I love you so much. Please marry me, Y/N.”

Tears pricked the corner of your eyes at the sudden marriage proposal. Never in your whole life had you imagined someone proposing marriage in the middle of the sex. If it wasn’t Jaebeom, you would have laughed. But it was him asking you. The guy you loved the most in your life. And even if he turned out to be just joking, you very well knew that there was a part of yourself wishing he actually meant it.

“Are you serious?”

“I’d do it the normal way some other time, baby. But I’ve said what I’ve been thinking about lately.” He tucked some loose hair behind your ear as he looked down at you. “I want to be yours forever. If you’d let me, I would marry you in every place you like.”

The cock twitched inside of you twitched as if urging you for affirmation.

Jaebeom searched your eyes for an answer. Only when you nodded and muttered a barely audible ‘yes’ did he continued to move in and out of you.

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jiantan · 3 years ago

Text

Awkward Introductions || Jian & Brandon

When: May 3, 2021

Where: Jian’s apartment, Santa Monica, California

Featuring: Brandon Kelly (dialogue provided by Katie @itsbrandonkelly)

Triggers: N/A

Jian was heading home from the drycleaner. As he unlocked the front door to the building, he noticed someone approaching. The man looked familiar to Jian, but he couldn't put his finger on where he had seen this face before. The stranger definitely didn't live in his building, but perhaps he had visited before. He held the door open for the other man, offering a polite wave.

Brandon checked his messages for what felt like the hundredth time since he’d left his apartment before slipping the phone into his jacket pocket. Now that he wasn’t distracted by the device, he realised the door was being help open for him and quickened his pace slightly. He should say thank you, like any normal person would. Instead he flashed the other male a smile as he passed. “Cute and courteous. Must be my lucky day.”

The stranger's words brought a light blush to Jian's face. After hearing his voice and getting a closer look at him, he realized where he had seen this man. "Uh, you... You know Minjoon, right? You've been in his videos before, I think. At least I think it's you. I'm sorry if I'm mistaking you for someone else."

The blushing was cute but it was the others comments that caused him to grin, even giggle a little as he nodded in confirmation. “I can’t believe I’m getting recognised from Joonie’s videos. That’s cute, I’ll have to tell him he’s making me famous. You’re a fan of his channel then?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. He told me that he made videos, so I decided to start watching them to support him.” Joonie was his friend, and he also had good recipes. “My name is Jian. I live on the same floor as Minjoon.” He wondered if Minjoon had mentioned him at all, but he doubted it. He wasn’t really worth mentioning.

“Hold the fuck up. You’re Jian? I can’t believe he could take an hour to tell me about a recipe for Reginald but couldn’t take five seconds to tell me that you’re hot.” Brandon shook his head, tutting in disapproval. “Not even five, more like three. So how long have you known Joonbug, then?”

“... Yes?” he answered, confusedly. He was surprised that he knew who he was, and even more surprised when he was called hot. “I-I... what?” he stammered. He didn’t know how to respond to the compliment, so he quickly tried to change the subject. “Um... we started really speaking to each other in January of this year. I’ve lived here since September of 2019 though.”

“It’s nice to finally be able to put a face to the name. If I’d known it looked like that I would have come and said hi sooner.” He was getting more and more amused at how easily Jian seemed to be thrown off with the compliment. “You’ve lived in here longer than Joonbug then. Damn, if I’d known Mav had some kind of hot people only requirement, I would have gotten an apartment here instead. Maybe I should...”

“I, uh, I’m sorry. I’m not sure what your name is. I’ve seen your face in the videos but I’m not the best with names.” He felt bad, but also thought it would be better to ask than to pretend that he knew his name. “Oh, you know Maverick too?” he asked, getting increasingly redder the more the stranger complimented his appearance.

He raised an eyebrow, still amused at the responses he was getting but he still held out his hand to be polite. “Brandon. My friends call me B, my employees call me Queenie and if you’d like, you can call me at any time.” Brandon have a small nod, his smile becoming fond at the topic of his friend. “Yeah, Mavie and I are good friends. Joonie and I have brunch every weekend with the whole family.”

Jian shook Brandon's hand, feeling silly for not making the connection until now. "Oh! You're Brandon! I've heard about you, but I never put the face to the name. I can... wait, uh, but I don't have your phone number..." He scratched the back of his head in confusion. "Oh, we hang out sometimes. I've never had brunch with his family though. I think it would be a little inappropriate because his sister is my boss."

“That’s okay, I prefer having some kind of reputation proceed me.” His smile was amused as Jian made the point about his number and reached into his bag for a pen and one of his cards, stepping into his space and pressing the card to Jian’s chest so he could write his cell on it too. “There’s an easy fix to that..” He rolled his eyes at that but kept smiling. “I tell his mom all the time how hot she is. I don’t understand inappropriate.”

Jian was extremely confused about what was happening and didn’t have the words in English to express how he felt about this interaction. Was this flirtation? Was he just extremely friendly? Jian honestly couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry, you do what now?” Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell had hired him, and he had a lot of fear and respect for both of them.

Slipping the pen back into his bag, Brandon giggled and shook his head. “Every time I see her, I tell her how hot she’s looking, offer to pay for the divorce so I can be Mav’s new step dad, all that jazz.” He waved it off as though it was no big deal. “So you work with his sister? I could have sworn that Joonie said you were a computer dude or something?”

Jian blinked at Brandon. "Why do you want to become Maverick's step-father?" he asked, curiously. Though he wasn't certain if he actually wanted to know the answer. "I work for her. She's my boss. I'm a cyber security engineer. My job is to make sure Maxwell Energy's business secrets and financial records don't fall into the hands of hackers."

“Is that really even a question? His dad is hot and rich, I wouldn’t be opposed to being his sugar baby and his mom is a beautiful, successful woman. I wouldn’t be opposed to being her sugar baby either. Or maybe I just want Maverick to call me daddy for a change.” Brandon had barely reached the end of his sentence before he started grinning and he had to press his lips together to bite back a laugh. “That’s hot. I’m not really a computer person myself but that sounds a little dangerous and a lot sexy so kudos. Now I’m no longer surprised why he tried keeping you to himself.”

"I-I don't think I can think about the people who hired me in that kind of context..." The Maxwells were objectively an attractive family, but as an employee of their company, this whole conversation felt inappropriate. Brandon didn't work for them, as far as Jian was aware, so it probably wasn't an issue for him at all. Brandon's next comment caused even more confusion for him. Who was keeping Jian to himself? Minjoon? Why would he do that? "What do you mean by that?"

“Huh. I’m pretty sure that’s not how being attracted to someone or finding someone attractive works but you do you buddy.” Brandon’s grin softened into an amused smile, a small roll of his eyes. “I mean you’re this close by and I’m only just meeting you now, without him introducing us. Probably because I can be a menace when I want to be but can’t we all?”

"Brandon, I am not sexually attracted to my bosses. I am too afraid of them for that... and I don't know why I said that out loud." He was getting flustered by this conversation, to say the least. "I assumed it was because he liked my animals more than he liked me... And once again, I'm oversharing. Sorry." He usually only overshared like this if he was drunk. He wasn't even the slightest bit intoxicated, so he had no idea why this was coming out.

Jian’s candidness caused a laugh to escape him and he had to bring his hand up to cover his mouth. “Oh my god. You don’t have to want to bone them to think they’re attractive. You’ve totally thought about it, that’s hilarious! Don’t worry, Jiji, your secret is safe with me. I won’t bring it up on purpose at brunch, at least.” He snorted softly, teasing Jian with how easily he became flustered. “Surely if that was the case, we’d have met sooner and I’d be the perfect distraction so he could chill with your pets. Don’t take it personally though, everyone thinks animals are easier than people and you must already know he can be an anxious bean.” He hummed quietly, scrunching his nose up. “It’s my cute, innocent face and maybe tiny Joonie trusting me. Lures you into a sense of security, right?”

The more Brandon spoke, the more Jian wondered how he and Minjoon ended up becoming friends. It reminded him of himself with his ex-boyfriend. Perhaps the phrase ‘opposites attract’ really did hold some merit. “Thank you— wait, did you just call me Jiji?” he asked, blinking in confusion. That was a nickname that his mother called him as a child. She stopped calling him that when he was 11, once she felt he was ‘too old for nicknames.’ It was strange hearing the name again, especially from an American. He never let his American classmates call him by nicknames because he wanted them to learn his actual name. It was the same reason why he never adopted an American name. “I know animals are easier than people, that’s why I have pets instead of roommates,” he half-joked. “I... plead the fifth.”

#self para #Brandon Kelly

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wardens-stew · 4 years ago

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The Mask Falling Hints MASTERPOST

Clearly I have wayyy too much time on my hands!

I have compiled a list of information Samantha Shannon has divulged on social media about The Mask Falling, mostly paraphrased from her Tumblr and Twitter. Some of it dates back as far as 2016, so it’s not certain that all of it will happen - I’ve included an asterisk for the tidbits in which Samantha explicitly mentioned that it was pre-editing. I didn’t include a link to the original source because that would be too much work, but if anyone has questions I can probably find it pretty easily! The recent ARC reviews also include some hints, but I haven’t included them because that would be a crap-ton of text. Feel free to add anything I missed! Anyway enjoy the fruits of my obsession!

Hints:

We will find out how badly Warden was affected by Paige’s torture - there’s a lot about the effects of her torture in the book

The non-binary character is a free-world spy, pretending to be French

Paige has issues with drinking water and showering

Paige will make another valiant effort to get Warden to talk about his feelings

Paige’s demisexuality is clarified - she reflects on the way she wants in comparison to the way the allosexual Nick and Eliza do

Paige gets slammed into the wall by someone, but not Terebell (also not Warden, because then she would be very dead)

The grey market storyline continues

Etymological connection of Arcturus meaning bear-guard and Mahoney meaning descendant of the bear is worked into the books

Paige cries

Paige’s PTSD is a thread throughout the book

Paige has mental and physical difficulties following her torture

“The scope of everything gets bigger, there's more focus on the free world and how it interacts with Scion, and you'll find out more about Rephaite history and the origin of clairvoyance.”

You may figure out what happened to Procyon

Warden’s aura type is mentioned*

Paige starts calling Warden Arcturus. They have a discussion about it. But she keeps calling him Warden in front of other people.

The prologue begins about an hour after The Song Rising

Warden asks Paige to teach him Irish

Contains clues as to the big secret at the heart of the series

Warden does a few very sweet things

We’ll find out a reason why Nashira considers Warden a possession rather than a partner*

Paige is at her most fragile

One of the characters eats an orange

There is a distinct Priory parallel in one section of the story

Paige asks Warden if Rephaim can get drunk

We will find out if Rephaim can get physically ill

We’ll get a piece of information that may help us understand the Rephaite logic behind Warden feeding on Paige’s aura

More about the golden cord

Paige’s feelings with her father will be explored

We will find out why it was common knowledge amongst Rephaim that Terebell and Warden were once mated

Warden might tell us what would happen if he tried to eat

More about voyant-amaurotic sex will be explained

We will learn more about the Rephaim’s internal politics and conflicts

We get to see Paige’s birthday

We we’ll find out how Warden knows how to develop Paige’s gift*

Paige and Warden butt heads over right and wrong

We’ll find out why Warden said that Sargas are the only Rephs who choose their mates

We’ll find out more about the half-urge

We’ll find out more about the complicated history between Warden and Terebell

Warden is planning to learn Gaelic (pre-editing)

We’ll find out two of the reasons why Warden hates Nashira so much*

We’ll find out about the promise Warden made to Nashira that she alludes to before the Bicentary

Warden says something with an exclamation mark

Warden will tell us more about the memory of Terebell, and how it was a prelude to one of the defining moments of his existence

Paige visits Warden’s dreamscape a few times, but we only see it once

Paige addresses the author directly

Nick isn’t in the book at all

The plot takes place only in Paris

Paige dies her hair red

A character Samantha did not originally plan to be in TBS4 now is

There’s a big scene in the Sainte-Chapellle in Paris

The book is shaping up to be the darkest book in the series, but also contains the most jokes

Paige feels really ill for most of the book

Samantha starts hinting at the Grand Backstory of the series

Paige is under strict orders to stay inside for a month, but she breaks the rules to explore Paris

The main antagonist was born in “the burning summer of 2019”

We’ll find out about two of Warden’s past relationships

Paige and Warden have to get food deliveries from a guy called Albéric because they’re not allowed to go outside

There’s espionage

Warden uses the super unnecessary word “sennight”

A lot of the book takes place underground

We learn if a non-polyglot could ever learn Gloss

There is a Very Awkward Conversation*

There is a time skip between the fourth and fifth books

Warden smiles a lot… with his eyes

The ending will change everything

Scion must change its public face due to an event that happens at the end

People who liked The Mime Order will love it

TBS4 picks up when Paige is resting.

It will go into more detail about how Rephaim emerge

It marks the beginning of Beautiful Dresses in The Bone Season

It introduces a Rephaite character Samantha absolutely loves, with her favorite Rephaite name

There’s a scene Samantha has wanted to write for years

The ending is very dark

There’s a cute priory reference

There’s a character Samantha loves - “she’s so cool that I don’t know how a nerd like me invented her”

“The relationship between Warden and Paige gets deeper and more complicated in this one, and you get to know Warden a little better.”

“[Paige and Warden] are together a lot in this book, as they’re sharing a safe house in Paris. It’s the first time they’ve spent a significant amount of time with one another since they escaped Sheol I. You’ll actually glimpse the ways they both react to being stuck inside in The Mask Falling, as they’re meant to stay hidden in a safe house for a month so Paige can start to recover from her ordeal.”

“It’s a love song to Paris in the way The Mime Order was a love song to London.”

“[Paige and Warden do have some happy calm moments.] Although there’s a lot of action in the book, there’s also quite a lot of downtime. Paige is still recovering from her ordeal in the Archon, so she can’t always be out in the world kicking ass. She’s resting as well, trying to get her strength back.”

“I won’t lie, The Mask Falling is a book to fear . . . but there are some nice bits. Including some coffee-drinking.”

“[Paige and Warden] do so much in this book. So much.”

“Most of the characters who didn’t go to Paris are absent from TBS4.”

“Paige and Warden do so much in this book, I just couldn’t cram any other storylines in. However, several old friends do turn up in it, as well as a bunch of new characters I hope you’ll love as much as I do.”

“Paige [experiences the messiest-most-intense emotion in TBS4]. She goes through the emotional wringer in this one.”

“The second ‘arc’ has the same main characters and the same antagonist. The difference has more to do with the setting, the scope of the narrative, and the type of battle being fought against Scion. You’ll have a better idea of what I mean when you read the end of TBS4.”

“This book puts both [Paige and Warden] through the emotional wringer, but there are lighter parts as well.” “Nick meets an old friend while he’s in Sweden and Paige and Warden will be staying in central Paris, on Rue Gît-le-Cœur. You can see some of the locations from Book 4 here: [x]”

“TBS4 is basically just a long Hurt/Comfort piece with occasional and reluctant splashes of Action/Adventure”

“THE MASK FALLING leans a little more Adult than the other BONE SEASON books. The whole series is officially classified as Adult, but the first three aren't far off YA in terms of sexual content, violence etc. THE MASK FALLING is . . . maybe a tiny bit sexier.”

“Doing my final reread of THE MASK FALLING and naturally I've noticed a recurring phrase that I have used no less than thirty times in the manuscript.”

“It blows the world of The Bone Season right open. It’s where everything changes. It takes place in a brand-new setting and forms the bridge between the two ‘arcs’ of the series. I hope the ending will show readers get why I really do need seven instalments to tell this story.”

“Books 1-4 is what I call the “Scion arc”, but Scion is still a threat in Books 5-7. Book 4 is kind of in the middle, with more of a focus on Rephaim than there currently is in Book 3.”

“He’s in Book 4, he’s French, he’s voyant, and I’m writing his introduction scene now. I think I love him?”

“The draft is about 140 000 words long – a little shorter than The Mime Order – with a veritable tonne of action, espionage, international politics, eerie catacombs, old enemies, new friends, and messy, intense emotions packed into that word count.”

“This one combines my favourite elements of The Bone Season (Warden and Paige chats), The Mime Order (syndicate weirdness) and The Song Rising (heists and angst)”

“The fourth Bone Season book is well underway, and things are about to take a very dark turn for Paige.”

“It’s mostly focused on Paris, but you’ll find out bits and pieces about what’s happening in both England and Europe.”

“She’s suffering from PTSD and aquaphobia following her water torture in The Song Rising, so she’s pretty much in the ringer for the whole book. There are a few light moments, but she’s under a lot of stress from the start.”

“While I wouldn't call it spy fiction, TBS4 is delving into espionage territory as Warden and Paige, still exhausted from their tremendous efforts against Scion in The Song Rising, attempt to navigate the convoluted political and criminal networks of Scion Paris.”

“Book 4 is a touch more political, laced with subterfuge”

Lists:

Things you’ll see:

The carrières of Paris

A masquerade (ofc)

A mysterious character you haven’t seen in a long while

Arcturus Mesarthim saying ‘hm’ about 18 times

Five words:

Revelations

Politics

Water

Heartache

War

Three adjectives:

Macabre

Emotional

Seismic

There is a lot of:

Warden and Paige

Rain

Classy interior decor

Angst

New characters include:

A spy so fashionable and icy cool I’m unsure of how a nerd like me created her

A tall, irritable Frenchman with a bit of a God complex

A terrifying new Rephaite with an uncomfortably sexy voice

It has:

A Parisian underworld

A demisexual MC

A masquerade ball

Catacombs

Forbidden, angst-stricken desire

Verbal consent

Acknowledgement of periods

I can promise:

Parisian buildings TOURISTS LOVE. Notre-Dame? It's there, there's a masquerade INSIDE IT. Sainte-Chapelle? Oui. Versailles? Naturally. The Eiffel Tower? Oh, we're climbing it

Getting DOWN and DIRTY. (By which I mean literally, down, into the catacombs.)

People who arrive in Paris SPEAKING FRENCH because they have been given a job for which they have the correct SKILLSET *bangs table*

No crêpes (#OhCrepe), but CHAUSSONS AUX POMMES

ROOFTOP PICNIC

Not everyone is STRAIGHT

Chic OUTFITS, all quite filthy by the end

Locations:

The beautiful Sainte-Chapelle, my favourite place on Earth.

Rue Gît-le-Cœur, a major location in the book and previously home to the Beat Hotel.

The famous doorway in the Paris Catacombs. The inscription translates to 'Stop! This is the Empire of Death.'

Rue Montmartre, where we may or may not encounter an old face.

Preview in gifs:

Originally posted by cinemagraphs

Originally posted by queeniegoldtsein

Originally posted by cumlelerinruhu

Snippets:

Out-of-context chapter title: Chapter 3: Gloomy Coffee

Part names*:

1. To Pay Thee Free

2. Turn the Anchor

3. Eurydice

Quotes:

“What the fuck is that?” she whispered to me. “Looks like a frozen rainbow.”

“The horizon was as red as if the fire still burned. I watched the sunrise from the roof. Fog breathed into every nook and alcove of Paris, laced over the dark crests of the river, blanched the skin to the pink of salmon. I was sure the air was still spiced with the tang of smoke.”

“So,” he said, “we are choosing larceny.” “Always so surprised when his criminal friend commits crimes.”

“I wouldn’t usually care who you’re riding at any given time”

“I sensed all of this was very important, but I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about”

“I picked up the floundering ribbons of my dignity and started over”

“His home was in decay, and mine lay in the shadow of the anchor. Scion had made wanderers of us.”

Current opening line (circa Dec 18, 2018): “The sun had been climbing over the cliffs when our ship had pared away from Dover.”

“Someone who had heard of me and whose first response had not been to try to kill me. What a treat.”

“A hollow ache stretched out within me. It started in the chambers of my heart, in a place that reached eternally for Ireland.”

“‘I promised you we would stay together,’ he said. ‘In the absence of other options, I will follow your lead on this matter.’”

“‘I’m fine.’ ‘Your attempt to mask the darkness under your eyes serves as compelling evidence of that. As does the full bowl of coffee.’ I cocked my head. ‘Did you just master sarcasm?’ ‘Paige.’ ‘It’s a cup of coffee. With… no handle.’”

“‘There’s no fireplace,’ I stated. ‘No.’ ‘But how are you-‘ A wild laugh was bubbling up. ‘How are you going to cope without one?’ ‘Cope,’ Warden repeated. ‘You need one. To stare into, pensively. Did you know,’ I said to him, ‘that you do that a lot?’ He tilted his head, which only set off a fit of silent laughter. My ribs ached in protest.”

‘I mustered all the breath I had left and screamed, until I folded on myself and my voice burned to nothing.’

‘Who can break you now, Black Moth, now there is nothing left to break?’

#the mask falling #the bone season #masterpost #hints

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mysteira6 · 4 years ago

Text

FukaFlower - Walking Together

Summary:

With a very special occasion coming around the corner, she tried her best to build up the determination to learn how to make something equally special for him. Unfortunately…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been quite a few weeks from their first encounter in the cafeteria.

Just like that first day, Flower was seated on the corner of a table in the noisy hall, still chewing on her Japanese-themed lunch, a salmon and mayonnaise rice ball, and still being quiet while the sounds of shouting students ensued around her.

Though this time, she wasn’t the only one sitting at the table.

“So… Valentines’ Day is coming up,” The blonde-haired girl next to her chirped, her teal eyes sparkling with excitement. “I wonder if anyone we know is gonna get confession chocolates today!”

“Confession chocolates?” Flower tilted her head at the phrase, a foreign set of words to her.

“Rin’s talking about Valentine Chocolate, Flower,” A too-familiar voice approached her as its owner sat down to her left, placing down his lunch tray while smiling warmly at her. “Since tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, some girls might give chocolates to their crushes to confess their love for them,”

The red-haired boy had explained it so kindly that the tomboyish teen had not realised how much of an oblivious aura she was given off. Fortunately, another female student at the table decided to point it out to her. “Have you never heard of this before, Flower?” A girl with apple-pink, Rapunzel long hair looked at her quizzically, the small ahoge on her head bouncing in the air as she leaned in closer to the table, staring squarely at Flower with her eyes the same shade of her hair.

Before her victim could get intimidated into submission, the silver-haired boy sitting next to the staring student placed a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back into her seat as he spoke. “Give her a break, Miki,” He sighed in disappointment, shaking his head at his all-too-hyperactive sister. “It’s not like every person in the entire school would instantly know what Valentine’s is about,”

“But I bet you would know everything about it, wouldn’t you, Piko?” The final patron of the lunch table, a boy with the same yellow hair and turquoise eyes as Rin, teased mischievously, narrowing his eyes at the stern-looking young man who spoke. “I mean, it’s not like you were waiting to get any chocolate any of your crushes last year, or like you lingered in the school even after cleaning time when you thought that someone would give you chocolates then-”

“For the last time, Len,” Piko shot a serious, steely look at the cheeky junior, though the faint pink blush on his cheeks evidently proved what he was really feeling. “I only have one crush and no, that did not happen!!”

“Oh sureeeeeee it didn’t~” Much to Piko’s chagrin, Rin grinned widely at him, a playful glint in her gaze. Before long, the three of them were engaged in yet another small argument on the table, with the two troublesome twins mostly poking at the stoic Piko while Miki struggled to calm them down. Despite having seen this scene a dozen of times before, Flower couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. As compared to her dull, asocial lifestyle from a few weeks ago, this was definitely a sight that she would never get tired of, especially since the trio’s topic of argument was never always the same.

As that thought crossed her mind, the white haired girl found herself considering their conversation very carefully. Valentine Chocolate, huh… Though she was distant from others, Flower was by no means a stranger to the idea of Valentines’ Day, the one day of the year where couples would be spending time together on dates and love-struck teens would try to confess their deep, hidden feelings of affection to their crushes. It was not a concept that was foreign to her.

And yet, it was the first time that she decided to actually take part in the special occasion. All because of the redheaded boy sitting next to her.

“Hm? What is it, Flower?” The exact person she was thinking about suddenly spoke with his kind voice and sweet smile, and the young woman couldn’t stop her cheeks from reddening at the prospect of being caught staring at him. Get a hold of yourself, Flower…! She mentally scolded herself, quickly turning away from him as she muttered an apology. “N-nothing! Sorry about that-!”

God, she was being such a flustered idiot around Fukase, wasn’t she? Though… Giving it a bit more thought, she couldn’t really blame herself for falling for the enthusiastic, charming boy. From the very first day when she talked with him in the cafeteria, there was a warm feeling that bloomed in her chest every time she saw him walking by and waving hello at her, a slight urge in her that was aching for him to talk with her again with his child-like yet gentlemanly prose.

When they met the second time during their shared music lessons, Flower did not hesitate to introduce herself properly and encourage him to do the same. It was a feat that required a lot of courage from the shy wallflower, mind you, for she had never done such an informal self-introduction in front of anyone outside of the people she had to work with. From then, she learned of his name, Fukase, and that he was in the same music and English lessons that she had (she just never noticed him before, she assumed). As the both of them continued whispering to each other and passing little notes while their music teacher lectured about the pentatonic scale and arpeggios, she learned that they shared the same interests in music and sweets and that both of them had siblings that were a little too eccentric for their own tastes.

Before she knew it, Flower was talking with Fukase almost every day to the point when a day without them meeting up and chatting for a while felt incomplete. It was a strange thing for her to comprehend, really, how her interactions with this boy was starting to drive how she would feel for the rest of the day. How much she loved to see his bright smile and hear his cute laugh. Or to hear him kindly guide her through social norms that were completely new to her and hold her hand like how an older brother would.

And unfortunately, as one would expect, the teenaged girl soon realised that her ‘urges’ to have Fukase sit next to her whenever he was with her or the burning sensation on her cheeks that blossomed only when he was physically close to her were all visible indicators of her growing affection for the redhead. She liked him. Liked him in the sense that she wanted them to be more than ‘friends’.

Meanwhile, as the spectacle of Flower being embarrassed of looking at Fukase for too long took place, the four students who were previously at arms with each other were gazing on the two older students, the white-haired girl sporting a faint blush on her face while the red-haired boy focused on eating his lunch, seemingly oblivious to the person sitting next to him.

A knowing smirk soon spread amongst them like a contagious disease. It was clear in all of their minds of what they had to do next.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As soon as the school day ended, Flower rushed out of her classroom and made a beeline for the entrance. She had hoped to reach there earlier and see whether Rin or Miki were there first, since she had a very specific favour that she wanted to ask from them.

Much to her disappointment, however, was the two messages that she received on her phone as soon as she arrived at the iron gates.

Len & I had to go home first. Having dinner with our neighbours tonight. Sorry! - Rin (sent at 6:04pm)

Piko has a make-up class at home and I have a club meeting after school. Can’t walk with you today. Sorry. - Miki (sent at 6:10pm)

So much for asking them for their help. With her initial confidence fading away, Flower found herself frowning as she closed her phone and slipped it into her bookbag, her body leaning against the pillar behind her while the thoughts in her mind swam about. She couldn’t really blame the four of them for being occupied at this hour, she reasoned, since she was also at fault for not telling them earlier that she needed help with her request. And though the digital age gave her the opportunity to simply text them and ask for their assistance from there, Flower had already decided that her favour required her to ask them physically, lest she became too used to not speaking with people other than Fukase face-to-face.

“Heya Flower!”

The mentioned girl in question lifted her head to spot her closest friend trotting towards her, his brown bag slung across his shoulders as he waved to her with a wide smile on his face. The white bandage over his right eye reminded her of how much he stood out in the sea of students pouring out of the building, along with his iconic bright red hair and equally bright red cross pasted on his nose.

As he approached her, she finally found the will to speak. “Hey, Fukase,” She greeted him meekly, a sharp contrast of the excited tone that the boy had.

The smile on his face faltered a little when he realised that she was alone. “Where are the others?”

“Busy, unfortunately,” She sheepishly shrugged as she relayed the news to him. “Rin & Len’s got a neighbour visit, Piko’s got make-up classes at home and Miki’s at a club meeting,”

“Guess it’s just the two of us, then!” The boy jovially declared, hoping to lighten up the frown on her face. “You don’t mind it, though, do you?”

Flower quickly shook her head, though she could not deny the sudden pounding of her heart in her chest. It persisted to echo in her ears as the both of them walked out of the school gates together, standing side-by-side like a couple though their hands never touched each other.

For a while, as they strolled down the sidewalk and entered the small town located in the outskirts of the school, the female teen struggled to not peer at her friend for too long at a time. Observing the red scarf wrapped around his neck to keep him warm in the chilly breeze… Studying his warm-hearted, gentle gaze… Flower was trying, really trying, to muster every ounce of courage in her being to say something, anything, to trigger a conversation between them. But no matter how much she wished for it, no words would come out of her mouth.

No sooner did she give up on her attempts to spark a conversation with him when the boy next to her suddenly stopped walking, his feet rooted to the ground as Flower took one, two steps forward before realising that he wasn’t by her side anymore. In a state of confusion, the short-haired girl turned back at him, her violet eyes narrowing a little at her friend’s strange behaviour.

In that moment, she miraculously gained the bravery to speak. “Fukase? What is it?”

For a while on that snow-covered pavement, a cool breeze of wintry wind blew past the both of them, cueing Flower’s fingers to hurriedly pull her winter uniform’s collar closer to her neck. As she cast her eyes downwards, hoping that the heat from her breath could help reduce the chill crawling up from her collarbone, she internally cursed herself for forgetting to bring a scarf that day, the aftermath of her waking up late from the night before when she was helping the shaggy-haired boy with his studies over the phone.

She was interrupted from her thoughts as an unexpected, warm sensation crawled up her nape, enveloping her in a small bubble of heat that burst from the object wrapped around her neck. Upon closer inspection, she noted that this object emitted an aura of warmth that paralleled its base colour; red.

… She couldn’t believe it.

As Flower turned forward, her eyes were locked with his stare, the gears in her head turning as she realised that Fukase had wrapped a scarf, his scarf, around her neck to keep her warm.

“ … Here,” He softly muttered in that same warm-hearted voice that he had used time and time again. “You kinda looked a little chilly back there so… Take this as a gift from me, heh heh,”

To say that she was speechless was a downright understatement. As the figure before her stepped back a little (much to her disappointment), Flower glanced at the new scarf coiled around her neck. In some way, this specific sight had sparked the confidence that she had lost a few moments ago, her voice quiet but firm as she asked.

“Hey, Fukase?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

She gulped. Time to ask for your big favour, Flower.

“Do you… maybe… know how to make Valentine Chocolates?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“ … Eh?”

He was just about ready to face-plant into the ground and moan into oblivion. Smart move, Fukase, The redhead scolded himself, berating himself once again for acting like a dork around his friend.

Meanwhile, in response to his (presumably) dumbfounded expression, Flower continued with a sheepish smile on her face, the spectacle of it dazzling him. She was so cute. “I know that’s really random for me, but… Well… I kinda want to make some for… this guy that I really like…” At this point, she had raised both of her hands and pressed her index fingers together shyly. “I wanted to ask Rin & Miki about it now, but since they’re not here…”

As soon as she had mentioned about the ‘guy that she really liked’, Fukase could feel his ears go deaf for a split second, the delight of walking home with her that afternoon floating away from his heart like a drop of water being lost in the sea. He couldn’t stop thinking about those words she said, the meaning behind them.

‘I kinda want to make some for this guy that I really like’

“I-it’s fine if you don’t know how…!” His white-haired angel held out her hands, frantically waving about like a panicked child, a scene that pleasantly surprised him. He wasn’t used to seeing her emote so much, after all. “I can probably just find a recipe online or something-”

“I know how to make valentine chocolate,” Fukase mumbled, shoving that growing ache down his throat, the madness mantra that he began reciting since the day he discovered his feelings for her reverberating in his head. Be happy for her. So long as she is happy, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. As long as she is… happy…

The white-haired teen widened her eyes. “Y-you do? Wait, but how do you know?”

“I got bored and tried to make some a few times before, heh heh…” Her friend cheekily replied, a joking smile breaking through his inner conflict as he posed dramatically like a drama student. “Tis the life of a sad single, wishing for someone special to give them their goodness-filled chocolate made with love and affection~” The trickster declared with the demeanor of a Shakespeare-obsessed fanatic, making the previously flabbergasted teenage girl giggle a little.

“Cut it out, you jokester,” She lightly elbowed him in the arm, though the tone of her voice sounded as if she wanted to hear him and his acting antics a little more.

“I simply cannot, my dear lady, for there is no fairness in my pursuit of love,” After hearing her laugh the second time, the eye-patch wearing boy ultimately halted in his acting stance. “Anyways, it’s probably too late for us to make it now but…”

He gave her a bold grin. “Are you free tomorrow?”

The question caught Flower off-guard. “Huh? What for?”

“I can come over and help you get all the stuff you need to make your chocolate, of course!” He insisted cheerfully, dancing about the sidewalk as the both of them continued their trek back home. “We don’t have any school tomorrow, after all. If we start in the morning, I’m sure we’ll be done by the afternoon. Though… Would you be able to give your chocolate to your crush by then?”

“I-I think so,” She stuttered a little, obviously embarrassed by the prospect of finally getting the chance to confess to her crush, the redhead reasoned. And even though there was a dark jealousy festering in his heart, he couldn’t help but smile at her cute, flustered self. “I can text him to meet somewhere after we’re done. I’m sure he’ll be free,”

“Nice! Then let’s meet by Hachiko’s statue at the Shibuya station tomorrow! I’m sure we’ll be able to get all the ingredients you need before lunch!” As if their environment was reacting to their conversation, the road up ahead conveniently forked into two directions, intending to split the both of them up as they headed to different paths back home. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Flower!”

She copied his ecstatic wave as her lips curled into another adorable smile. “See you!”

Even though the both of them were walking down different roads to different places with different people waiting for them at home, it was clear that the both of them were thinking of the same thing.

“Then… It’s a date… Isn’t it?”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

#fukase #vocaloid fukase #vflower #vocaloid flower #one shot #fukaflowerweek2021 #flokase #vocaloid #vocaloid one shot #high school au #valentine chocolate #valentines #fukaflower

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imagine-all-the-imagines · 5 years ago

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Chance Meeting

Written for @avengerscompound’s Kate's 1000 Word Challenge.

Prompt: Petrichor - The pleasant, earthy smell after rain. ClintxReader.

Warnings: Drinking, break up, reader being clumsy. If I missed anything, please let me know.

________________________________________________________________

On a Friday night, you can typically be found in your sweatpants and baggy sweater curled up on your couch watching the latest serial killer documentary. But not this Friday night. No, your friends weren’t going to let you spend this one alone.

It had been a year since you had a particularly rough breakup. He said that he felt guilty because you kept lending him money or buying things for him when he couldn’t pay you back for them. He told you. “Your goal in the world is to save everyone.” You didn’t understand how that was a bad thing, how could wanting to help people be a bad thing? Maybe some people didn’t want to be helped? That phrase turned over and over in your head as you tried to figure out where you went wrong.

This caused you to keep to yourself, only going to work and the occasional girl’s night when your friends forced you out. That’s what was happening tonight. You had heard the knock on your door and suddenly you were surrounded by your friends and had a dress shoved into your hands with the insistence that you “put it on, immediately!” One of your friends grabbed your makeup and the other started on your hair as you shimmied into the dress. The soft deep purple fabric surrounding you.

It took almost an hour, but eventually you were ready. You and your friends stared at your reflections.

“Hot damn, we look fantastic.” Your friend Andie said giggling, “No one will be able to stop staring!”

Lily nodded, bumping you with her shoulder, “Good thing too, because someone needs to get some tonight!”

You groaned and let out a dry laugh, “Guys, please, that’s so not going to happen. I’m probably just going to sit at the bar and drink until you guys find someone to go home with and then I’ll head home, alone, and watch something.”

That was met with “Boooooo” from your friends. You laughed at their reaction and grabbed your phone and purse leading the others out the door and out to get a taxi.

________________________________________________________________

After getting to the address that Lily had given the driver, you stared up at the building. “You have got to be fucking kidding me. This can’t be the right place!”

“Nope, this is it. Did I not tell you that my work had gotten invited and I got to bring guests?” Lily said, wide smile on her face.

“Lil! This is the fucking Stark Tower! As in, the Avengers live here!” You couldn’t believe it, “You mean to tell me, it conveniently slipped your mind that you were dragging me to the Stark Tower for a party with the Avengers?”

“Yeah, that must be what had happened.” Lily grabbed your hand and started to drag you inside. When you started to refuse, Andie grabbed your other hand and the two towed you in.

Lily flashed her invite to the man at the front and you all were ushered to the elevator. You started to wring your hands together and Andie grabbed them gently.

“Hey, this will be fun, just try to relax. We can hit the bar first.”

You smiled at her, grateful for the comfort, “Bar first, I like that Idea.”

The elevator stopped and you took a deep breath. When the doors opened, you were in awe, the room was decked out in lights and silver and gold decorations. You saw the logo of Lily’s work up on a podium.

“Wow, this looks great!” you said, still taking everything in.

“Thank you! We wanted it to look the best for the company tonight, we are honored you let us host this for you all.” A woman with red hair said, walking up to you. “I’m Pepper Potts, Mr. Stark’s assistant, and the only reason he ever gets anywhere on time.”

Your eyes widened, “Ms. Potts, it is so nice to meet you, you’re practically a legend. The fact that you can keep Tony in line is amazing.”

Pepper smiled at you, “Well, thank you again, and please, call me Pepper. Everyone does.”

All you could do was smile and nod at the woman as she excused herself and went to mingle more.

You turned to your friends, eyes wide, “Guys! I just had a conversation with The Pepper Potts! She is amazing. I want to be around her all the time. I felt more organized and productive just being around her and I wasn’t even working on anything!”

Andie laughed, “Look at you, meeting new people and immediately fangirling over them. I knew this was a good idea.”

You gave Andie a playful shove, “Shush, we’ve only been here like fifteen minutes, this was probably the best thing that will happen all night.”

The three of you went off to find the bar and you ordered yourself a drink as you sat on the bar stool and observed the party.

There were people dancing in the middle of the room as the DJ played music just loud enough that you knew you’d have a sore throat from trying to talk with Lily and Andie.

________________________________________________________________

After a couple drinks, you were feeling loose enough that you grabbed Lily and Andie and dragged them to the dance floor, the three of you dancing like you were the only people there. Laughing with each other and twirling each other around. It felt nice, you hadn’t let yourself feel this free for a while.

Eventually, you decided you needed a break, promising that you would find them again, you headed back to the bar and ordered another drink before going on an adventure around the room.

As you were walking around, you were so preoccupied taking in your surroundings, you didn’t notice the man walking in your direction until it was too late. Crashing into him and losing your balance. You expected to fall and anticipated the pain on your tailbone, but that never happened. You looked and saw the arm around your waist.

“Hey, you ok? I didn’t see you there, I didn’t mean to run into you.” The man rattled off without taking a breath.

You shook your head, trying to reassure him, “I’m ok, maybe a little twist in my ankle, it’s nothing I’m not used to. I think it’s partly my fault too, I wasn’t paying attention.”

The man pulled his arm away, “Well, if we’re both at fault, then I guess that cancels it out! No one is at fault! I’m Clint by the way.”

You laughed, “I like your logic, Clint. I’m Y/N.”

Clint smiled at you, “I was about to join my friends, you want to come with? I promise they’re a lot of fun.”

You glanced around to see your friends dancing and watching you. When you locked eyes with Lily, she gave you a big smile and a thumbs up. “Well, I was going to say that I needed to check in with my friends, but it looks like they’re more than ok if I go with you.”

Clint looks over towards your friends and gives them a slight wave, “I’m glad they trust me enough to take you away.”

“Honestly, at this point I think they’d be ok if I went with any guy, their expectations are super low when it comes to me.” You said with a shrug and Clint gave you a questioning look. “Bad break up, they just want me to get out there more.”

Clint nodded in understanding, “Ah, makes sense. Well, I promise, nothing bad will happen with me around.”

“Thanks Clint. Now, where are those friends of yours?” You asked.

“Right this way, ma’am.” Clint said, offering you his arm.

You and Clint walked along the wall until you came to a door open a crack. Clint pushed the door open and the brightness of the room made your eyes take a moment to adjust. When they finally did, you let out a gasp.

“Y/N, these are my friends, Steve, Nat, Thor, and Bruce, Tony is still out in the crowd entertaining, I’m sure he’ll come in in a bit.” Clint said gesturing to each person as her introduced them. “Guys, this is Y/N.”

You stood there in shock before turning to Clint. “Wait, that means you’re Clint!”

“Yeah, I said that when I introduced myself.” Clint said nodding slowly.

“No! That means you’re Clint Barton, aka, Hawkeye, aka, one of the coolest Avengers like ever.” You turned to the others, “No offense guys.” You turned back to look at Clint you looked at him more closely. You could see his features better now that you weren’t in the dimmer event room.

“Well, yeah, I guess that does. But tonight, I’m just Clint, just like they’re just Steve, Nat, Thor, and Bruce.” Clint said, giving you a small smile.

You nodded, “Right, you’re right, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t believe that I didn’t notice it before.”

Natasha laughed behind you, “Don’t worry about it Y/N, come on over and sit, we were just about to start playing a game.”

You smiled at Natasha and went to sit on the couch. Before you sat down, you properly introduced yourself to everyone and then sat down by Thor and Clint came to sit next to you.

________________________________________________________________

You weren’t sure how long you had been in that room, all you knew was that you and the Avengers were learning plenty about each other. You learned juicy secrets about everyone while playing Never Have I ever, and they learned that you are a terrible liar while playing Two Truths and a Lie.

At some point, Tony came in with a tray of alcohol and you took one of the drinks, nursing it. You were making sure that you had plenty of water too. You knew if you didn’t, you were going to hate yourself in the morning.

By the time the Avengers mini party was starting to wind down, you had all of their phone numbers and other ways to contact them. Thor’s was the best, he gifted you a small ring with a raven on it. He explained that if you ever needed him, all you had to do was turn the raven and a messenger bird would come and take your message to him. He also gave you his phone number, but you thought this way was more fun.

When Clint gave you has number, he made sure you knew that he didn’t mind if you contacted him even when it wasn’t an emergency. You smiled at him, “Does that mean you want to talk to me more?”

Clint brought a hand up and rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I’d like that. I mean, if you want to.”

You gave him a quick peck on the cheek, “I think I will.”

You didn’t know it, but Natasha had watched the entire interaction with a grin on her face. She was happy for Clint, but she also knew that if he ever messed this up, she’d have to fight him. You were already one of her favorite people.

________________________________________________________________

When the party was finally over, you got up and stretched. Clint was up and by your side in an instant.

“I think I need to head home, it’s been a long night.” You said while stifling a yawn.

“Do you want me to walk you home, or drive? I’m not sure how far it is.” Clint asked.

“We can walk, it isn’t too far, maybe a fifteen minute walk. My friends just hate walking, so we took a cab.” You said, shrugging.

You said goodbye to everyone, giving out hugs and promising to keep in touch with everyone before turning and taking Clint’s arm and walking out the door.

“How much does someone want to bet that they’re planning on going on a date by the time that they get to her house?” Natasha asked after the door had closed.

“No way, Clint won’t go for it. He’ll get too self-conscious and back out of it.” Tony said.

“You’re on. Fifty bucks?” Nat said extending her hand.

“It’s a deal.” Tony said shaking Natasha’s hand.

________________________________________________________________

As you and Clint walked down the street arm in arm, you talked about everything, family, jobs, conspiracy theories, everything.

When you were about halfway home, you heard the sound of thunder. Looking up at the sky, you saw that clouds had rolled in and they were looking heavy with rain.

“Shoot, looks like we’re going to get caught in the rain.” You said, looking around for a place to take cover.

“Don’t worry, I brought my jacket, you can use it if you want. It has a hood.” Clint said, shrugging out of his jacket and holding it open for you.

You put in on and wrapped it closer to you, “Thank you, Clint. But now you’ll get all wet.”

“I don’t mind it. I’ll just grab a cab to get back after I get you home.” Clint said looking at you.

“Well, we better hurry then. Don’t want you to melt.” You said giving a laugh.

The rain started to fall within minutes. You reached down and took off your shoes so you could walk a bit faster. It was absolutely pouring when you got to your apartment complex and you both stood under the awning laughing as water dripped down your faces.

“Well, looks like we couldn’t beat it.” You said, slightly out of breath.

Clint laughed, “I never thought we would, but it was fun to try.”

You both stood under the awning, watching the rain slowly let up until it was just a drizzle, until finally it had all stopped.

You laughed along with Clint, “We needed this, it hasn’t rained in a while, the flowers will enjoy it. Even if it was just a burst or rain.”

Clint took a deep breath and smiled, “This is my favorite moment in nature, when we haven’t had any rain and then it finally pours and there’s just this earthy smell surrounding everything. It’s one of the best scents that exist, in my opinion.”

You looked up at Clint, eyes wide, “It’s called petrichor! It’s my favorite scent, along with lemon. But it’s just so calming and you can’t help but feel relaxed with this scent all around!”

The two of you looked at each other and your smile grew even bigger. Clint brought a hand to your face and moved the hair that was sticking to your face behind your ear. When his hand came to rest on your cheek, you found yourself letting your head rest in his hand.

“Clint?” You ask softly and Clint hummed in response, “Can I kiss you?”

Clint’s eyes snapped to yours and he gave a slight nod. You brought your hands up and placed one on his cheek and wound the other around the back of his neck. You slowly brought your lips to his and closed your eyes. It was a soft kiss at first, then Clint brought a hand to your back and pulled you closer to him, causing you to gasp into the kiss. He kissed you harder and you felt yourself moving backwards until your back hit the brick façade of the building.

You broke the kiss and looked at Clint, “Would you like to come upstairs? I’m sure my neighbors would prefer if we don’t put on a show on the front stoop.”

Clint laughed and brought his forehead to yours. “How about we take a raincheck? I really like you, and I don’t want to rush into anything. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to go upstairs with you. But let me take you on a date first. Ok?”

You smiled and blushed, “I can agree to that. Date first, upstairs second.”

Clint laughed, “Exactly. Now, you need to get upstairs before you fall asleep out here. I know you’re tired.”

You gave a slight pout. “You’re just trying to get rid of me,” You laughed “I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I am pretty tired. Wait! When are we going on our date?”

Clint gave you a kiss on your forehead, “How about tomorrow night? We can go to dinner and maybe take a walk? If it’s not raining, of course.”

You gave a small shrug, “I don’t know, I think I enjoy walking through the rain with you.”

You gave Clint another kiss before starting towards the door. “Let me know when you get back to the tower, ok?”

Clint grabbed your hand and gave it a kiss, “I absolutely will. Good night, Y/N.”

You smiled at the man, “Good night, Clint, I’m glad I ran into you. Literally.”

________________________________________________________________

When you got up to your apartment, you checked your phone and saw a few messages from your friends, after letting them know what happened, you saw another message from Natasha.

Natasha: Hey, I’m glad I got to meet you! The group wanted to let you know that they enjoyed meeting you!

Natasha: Also, are you and Clint planning on going out? I need to know. For reasons.

Me: I’m glad I met you guys too!

Me: Is the reason, possibly, because you bet someone money that we would be?

Natasha: …….yes….. Come on! I have to be right, you guys are totally going to go out.

Me: Yes Nat, we’re going out tomorrow night.

You laughed when a text from Tony came in.

Starky-Man: You just lost me fifty dollars.

Me: Well maybe don’t bet against happiness next time.

Starky-Man: Whatever, I’m happy for you kid.

Me: Thanks Tony, I am too!

You smiled at your phone as you thought about just how unexpectedly your night had turned out. When your phone pinged again your smile got even bigger.

Heart Eyes: I’m home, safe and sound.

Me: Good, I’m glad.

Heart Eyes: Get some sleep Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Me: See you tomorrow. Good night, Clint.

Heart Eyes: Good night, Dear.

You put your phone on the charger and got yourself ready for bed. When you were finally slipping under the covers, you closed your eyes and fell into what you had to say was the most peaceful sleep you had in a very long time.

#Kate's 1000 Word Challenge #clint barton imagine #clint barton x reader #clint barton #avengers imagines #avengers imagine #avengerscompound #avengers #tw: alcohol #marvel imagines #marvel imagine #marvel

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aspiestvmusings · 4 years ago

Text

WV1: PARALLELS

Parallels, Callbacks, Foreshadowing...

SUPER LONG POST!

PARALLELS, CALLBACKS, REFERENCES

...WITHIN WV + MCU + TO OTHER TV/FILM

Wanda/SW doing “astral projection” - reading a book while “another her” is making tea at the same time VS Dr. Srange astral projecting himself in his film as he was studying.

Wanda sitting on the porch in the countryside after everyone calls her a villain after her actions VS Thanos in his countryside cottage after the snap. Smilar aesthetic VS Hulk going to a cottage in the middle of nowhere at the end of rhe 2008 film to reflect on the damge he did + learn about his powers.

Wanda vs Agatha VS Tony vs Thanos: Agatha cheering that she has won, ready to direct her power (Wanda’s power she “drank”) against/at Wanda & then nothing happens has the exact same energy as 2014-Thanos snapping and just the hollow noise happening... The realization of the villain that their opponent has outsmarted them, using tricks (”magic”) - misdirection. If you’re not powerful enough or don’t have as much knowledge as the other, you can still win...because misdirection works. All those powerful & evil characters have one thing in common = they think they are “inevitable”, but they always fall for the tricks played on them. In here knowledge is not “power”, but weakness as it overboosts the villains confidence. Flourish!

I want to break free... Hex Vision wanting to get out of the hex & free from Wanda’s “mind control” (she can’t control him, but she tried). He wants to find answers, and help people in 1x06 VS White Vision after regaining his memories (but most likely not his soul & humanity & connection to Wanda) wants to get away, to break free of Hayward’s mind control (hence letting other Vision unlock his memories). He most likely wants to find answers, and help himself & others....

In ep 2 Vision's (stage name: Illusion) magician in their magic act uses the word "Flourish"" as his magic word [instead of abracadabra] before/after every trick VS In 1x09 Jimmy Woo says "Flourish!" after he uses the magician trick (he learned from Scott Lang) to free himself from cuffs. It is a reference to Jimmy watching "WandaVision" & hearing Vision say that because, as WAnda points out, you don't say the word out loud when doing your magic tricks. Hence it’s not a reference to just Jimmy being a magician..since Antman film, but to that ep 2.

In episode 2 Vision as "Illusion" wears a cape as part of his magician outfit VS part of the real Vision's outfit is a cape! (that he originally added to his costume in AoU after seeing Thor’s costume & cape)

The show starts with Wanda & Vision arriving to WV in 1950s as characters & doing everything they can to hide their identity and powers from everyone. Being afraid that everyone finds out about their secret... [until they start to realize that somethings wrong & what Wanda did...] VS The whole family walking through WV as themselves...in their superhero outfits. Not hiding the true selves from anyone. Coming in terms of who they are. Works both as MCU development & reference to sitcom development of how “ideals” have been portrayed on screen.

Wanda's birthing screams & energy spending: Wanda "giving birth" to Vision in ep 8 flashback VS Wanda giving birth to the twins in ep 3. I feel like in a way her subconcious was reminding her of the "birthing pains".

Wanda mind controlling Agatha - giving her “nightmares” in WV ep 1x09 = is so similar to how she mindcontrolled Tony in AoU...giving him “nightmares”. Sneaking up on them... VS what Agatha did to Wanda in ep 8 looked similar...she “mind contolled her” and showed her a story...she wanted her to see (her origins...) Both mentioned that it was easy to do, because the controlled person was so full of doubts that it didn’t tke anything to make them “see things”...

Vision telling Wanda in a past film that he wants everyone to see her the way he does (the way Monica does in WV) - that she is not simply a villain, not someone to be afraid of like the WV people are after the hex, as the world was after Lagos... VS The Hex! Vision telling her that "I just wanted to see you” & “and there you are”... at the beginning of their goodbye scene as the hex goes down...

Wanda & Visions final goodbye scene being them standing in front of a window ...the end of their journey together VS The Wanda/Vision scene in Scotland...the first scene that reveals their relationship to viewers...is also of them standing in front of the window... Visual Parallels

WV series setting up the next decade/phase looks a lot like IM films setting up first decade/phase. Both more character centered & more character driven spries & journeys. Personally...my favourite kind. WV setting up Wandas journey VS IM setting up Tony’s journey. Question is... will she choose the “hero” or the “villain” path. Go Tony’s route, or opposite? Time will tell.

In ep 9 when Wanda throws a car at Agatha & goes to check on her, we only see her/the witches boots under the car VS The classic image of the Wicked Witch of the West’s boots/shoes under the rubble in Wizard of Oz.

Visions co-worker, Jones says: "I wore a turtleneck" in episode 1x02, when Mr. Hart is firing him VS Vision wearing a turtleneck as they say goodbye to the kids & to one another in 1x09

In ep 8 flashback to the day Wanda arrived at Westview, and was driving throgh the town, she saw the people she cast in supporting roles in her show. Among them was Jones' (Harold), who was putting up an add on the billboard about teaching piano lessons VS In ep 2 Jones was playing the piano during his performance on the talent show.

Wanda driving through WestView as she first arives in reality - the town & the people seem in a non-happy state (people alone & depressed, town in ruins, she alone) in 1x08 flashback VS Wanda & Vision driving through WestView as they first arrive in the TV freality (everyone fake-happy & not alone, buildings & businesses flourishing in 1x01

Vision as the magician Illusion using the phrase "fllourish!" for his magic tricks (that Agatha messes up & Wanda corrects) in the TV-freality in 1x02 VS Wanda after seeing the state of the town & people (that to her seem like her own experience) making the place flourish (alive again)! in1x08 flashback

In episode 1 Agatha introduces Wanda to the womens magazine named "Glamorous" as there is an article there about "seduction tecniques". They read the article/magazine together...Agnes plan to trick Wanda into creating kids VS In episode 3 we see Wanda reding the same magazine (but a different edition...now from 1970s) as she relaxes on the sofa while the hoover is cleaning the house by itself. [PS. The title of the womens magazine in eps 1 & 3 nd Wandas stage name Glamour in ep 2 are actually references to the words other meaning... magic]

In 1x01 Vision tells his boss Mr. Hart that no, he does not have a skeleton, when he's asked if he has a skeleton in his closet VS In the 1x02 sitcom opening credits we see Vision go through walls & floor/ceiling. As he moves downstairs from the closet we see wht appears to be a spider/a villains mask & spiderwebs there. And... bones.

When Monica blips back in the 1x04 flashback scene she encounters a doctor/person in the hallway who says to her "Do you have a phone? I have to call my wife" VS In episode 1x05, when Vision unlocks Norm's mind from Wanda's control, one of the things he says is "Where's my phone? I have to call my sister. (She's taking care of our dad. He's sick)." [and we remember fro Endgame that after being bipped back everyone wanted to call their loved ones...as the 1st thing they did...]

Wanda throwing a car, her car, at Agatha (when she can't use her power directly againt her) to stop her in 1x09 VS Wanda throwing a car at Iron Man/Tony in CA:CW to stop him.

In ep 8 Agatha tells Wanda "And here you are (making breakfast for dinner)" VS In ep 9 Vision tells Wanda at the start of their final goodbye scene "And there you are."

In ep 1 the Harts comment that Wanda made "breakfast for dinner" when they see the food prepared for this surprise event VS In ep 8 when Agatha is holding the twins on a leash she mocks Wanda for using her super powers on simple things like that, saying "...and here you are making breakfast for dinner"

In 1x01 Vision saves the day by calling Wanda covering the bosses eyes with her hands " a traditional sokovian greeting" when she thinks she's welcoming her husband home VS in the 1x08 flashback to her childhood we see that her mother covers her eyes with her hands the same way. Yet another subconcious detail from her real life.

We learned during the ep 8 flashback to her childhood that Wanda’s powers manifested (probability hex) at age 10. It mightve been the first time she “properly” used her magic abilities VS When Billy & Tommys powers manifesting (Billy: mind reading + “seeing the future” & Tommy: speed) in more concrete way when they are 10 -year-olds... PS. 10 = X (roman numerals) = X-gene (mutants)

In ep 1 Wanda says “my husband and his indestructible head” (as a comic lline)...but VS Vision’s destructed head... aka Thanos ripping the Mind Stone out of Vision’s head in 3: IW, and in doing so “destructing his head” PS. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME TO ADD THIS ONE, @ecstaticreverie

Ms. Hart keeps saying "Stop it!" (with more & more concerned voice) as Mr. Hart chokes in 1x01 VS Wanda keeps saying "Stop it!" (with more & more concerned voice) when she sees Visions body being dismantled...like a machine in the 1x08 flashback.

The Mind-Stone shape: The hexagonal shape of the Mind Stone in Vision’s head VS The shape of the Mind stone painted on the “cabinet of mysteries” in ep 2 used for their magic act VS The mind’stone shaped detail in the center of Wanda’s new Scarlet Witch costume’s “collar” PS. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME TO ADD THIS ONE, @ecstaticreverie

During the 1x08 flashback scene to a time after the events of A1: AoU we see Vision enter Wanda's room at the Avengers compund through the wall, instead of the door, d then they have a meaningful conversation about grief. VS In the movie CA:CW we see Vision enter her room through the wall...instead of the open door... as Wanda & Steve are talking about the events of Lagos...This is where Wanda says "Vis, we've talked about this [entering though door instead a wall]"

During the ep 3 sitcom opening credits we see Vision build a swingset for the kids-to-be, but it falls apart VS During the ep 8 flashback therapy scene at Avengers compound Wanda & Vision are watching Bryan Cranstons character on a sitcom on TV build something & it falls apart (falls on him, hurting him...and Vision asks qhy it's funny)

Vision quoting Shakespeare in WV 1x02: “All the world’s a stage & all the men & women merely players..” VS a role in a Shakespeare play mention related to Trevor Slattery in IM3

In ep 4 one of the specialists in the truck tells Darcy (after she tries to question him) "We'e not supposed to talk" VS In ep 7 Wanda tells the director/person [Agatha all along] behind the camera "You’re not supposed to talk", when during her sitcom a voice from behind the camera replies to her.

Darcy’s fist & last scene had similar energy. We first see Darcy in a militay vehicle, on the way to the hex base. She comments that “we got a full cown car”, when she realizes they’re bringing on top experts from every field. VS When Wanda’s expanding hex traps the base everything is turned into a circus...and agents into clowns etc. VS Darcy uses the “clown car” to stop Hayward. She rams his military vehicle as he tries to flee with the funnel ytruck/clown car (it’s changed shape, but since it in reality the same kind of miitary vehicle it can stop Haywards car)

In ep 5 Hayward "shoots" at the kids & Wanda, when he lets his guys take over the drone Monica is using & fires a weapon at the family VS In ep 9 Hayward actually shoots the kids (from a gun), when Wanda puts the twins in charge of dealing with the military.

Hayward asking Jimmy about Wanda’s superhero name in ep 5: “No funny nickname?” VS "...and that makes you The Scarlett Witch" - Agatha "giving" her the funny superhero nickname in 1x08. Only...in this context it seems more like royal title than a superhero nickname.

Wanda giving Vision the meat tenderizer (it looks like a small hammer) & him holding it in WV ep 1x01 VS Vision lifting & giving Thor's hammer (Mjölnir) to Thor in A2: AoU

Episode 1 ends with Wanda creating wedding rings for them..from "nothing" VS Episode 9 ends with the wedding ring on her finger being the last thing that disappears after she's taken down the hex & "re-absorbed" the energy of the Mind Stone she created him from. We can still see the ring on her finger a moment after the yellow has disappeared...and then that's gone, too

The newstories on the screens et SWORD lobby are all about the snapped people being blipped back & families reunited & celebrating etc during both Wanda's visit we see in ep 8 flashback AND Monica's visit we see in ep 4 flashback. [Wanda's visit happened earlier, but the door had been replaced before Monica's visit... that had to be next day...no later]

During a flashback memory scene in ep 8 to a time when Wanda was a volunteer for Hydra we see her watching a tv show/sitcom "The Brady Bunch" on TV where a little girl with blonde hair in braids is putting her doll to sleep VS In episode 3 when Vision on practicing changing diapers he's doing it on a (girl) doll with braids..tied with similar red bows as the girl/character on TV. The same exact doll.

Wakanda is located inside a giant protective dome/bubble - an "invisible" energy field protects it & the barrier stops intruders VS Wanda creates a giant protective dome/bubble (hex-shaped) around WestView - an "invisible" energy field that stops people from entering or exiting...

The “fallen/hurt/dying pose” parallels: Vision in A3: IW after Thanos killed him VS Vision in WV ep 1x06/1x07 after exiting the hex & falling apart VS Monica in WV ep 1x03 /1x04 after being thrown out from the hex VS Nat in A4:E after falling on Vormir… #VisualParallels

When Agnes introduces hersef to the new neighbours she brings a plants as a housewarming gift in WV episode 1x01 VS This is the first things that glitches in episode 1x07 as Wanda “loses control” of reality

SNAPS: "Sugar Snaps" is the name of the breakfast cereal Wanda eats in 1x07 VS “SNAP” is part of the add on the billboard in WV 1x08 flashback scene when the hex take sover the city VS Thanos snapping his fingers in A3: IW & wiping half of he universe "out of existence" VS Agatha snaps her fingers in 1x08 when she disappears from the audience seats VS In ep 1 Agnes says that “this menu can be done in a snap” to Wanda

The heart drawn on the wall calendar on the date Friday, August 23rd was an abbreviation & was referring to Vision's boss & his wife coming to dinner in 1x01... when neither could remember the significance of the heart or date. Also... "Who needs to abbreviate?" (when theyre both superheroes) VS The heart Vision drew on the property deed of the land he bought for them. Next to the text "to grow old in" - V. (abbreviating his name) in the 1x08 flshback VS The heart on the calendar on the Date Wednesday the 10th in the opening credits for Wandas sitcom freality in 1x07 VS The heart on top of a building in the 1x02 episode sitcom intro

In ep 8 flashback Wanda says "I can't feel you", when he cannot read/feel Vision & the Mind stone (connection) as she is trying to connect to the dissected parts of Visions physical form/body VS In A3:IW when Wanda is trying to read the Mind Stone during the scene at the hotel in Scotland, she says "I just feel you" (not what the stone is trying to warm him about) VS In A3: IW as Wanda is about to destroy the Mind Stone & Vision along with it, he tels her to not worry, cause she could never hurt her, and adds "I just feel you"

In ep 9 when Wanda meets White Vision he puts his hands around Wanda's face, and she in her delusion expects that this is her Vision & he's just doing "their thing" (when they can share a "mindstone link" like that), but instead this machine starts squeezing her face/skull...because it has been given the order to destroy/kill Wanda VS In the end of episode 9 as Wanda & Hex Vision are saying goodbye she puts her hands around his face (doing "their thing"...trying to feel him as long as possible...as his face is the last thing to disappear with the hex) and doing so lovingly.

In ep 7 Monica lands the "hero landing" after Wanda "throws" her into the air VS In ep 9 Wanda lands the "hero landing" when Hex Vision attacks White Vision who is trying to crush Wanda's skull VS In ep 9 Hex Vision lands the "hero landing" when both visions fall to the gground & create a crater into a road.

In the ep 8 flashback Wanda descibes her grief as "I'm so tired. It's just ike this wave washing over me...again & again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And...its just gonna drown me." to Vision VS Monica describing the feeling she felt under Wanda's mind control in the hex as "There was this feeling keeping me down. This hopeless feeling. Like drowning. It was grief."

When Vision was born in AoU he flew to the window....and saw reflection of himself. This is how his journey in MCU in this form began VS The scene with Wanda & Vision saying goodbye by the window in ep 9 starts with Vision moving to the window (before Wanda joins him) to look at the hex world shrinking outside & seeing his own reflection on the glass). His last scene in this form was a direct parallel to his first scene(s). #visualparallels

Wanda & Vision saying goodbye...to say hello again some time & some place at the end of WV 1x09 (the scene by the window is similar to the scene we were introduced to the couple) VS Wanda & Vision at the beginning of A3: IW having a conversation by the window, in Scotland (the "I just feel you" scene) #visualparallels

In episode 2 when the sitcom world goes from b&w to colour, the camera circles around Wanda & Vision...making a 360 degree trip around the room VS In episode 9 as Wanda & Hex Vision are saying their final goodbyes in the saem living room the camera circles around them...doing several 360 degree circles around the room...as Wanda/the hex takes down the house layer/decade by layer/decade... #visualparallels

Wanda & Vision family watching TV every night before going to bed in Wanda's TV freality on WV VS Wanda watching TV with her family in Sokovia - the last happy memory before trauma hit her (1x08 flashback scene) VS Wanda & Vision first bonding at the Avengers compound whilw watching TV together (1x08 flashback scene). He's learning "being human" with her help & she's learning about dealing with her trauma.

In ep 8, when Agatha takes down the "walk on memory lane" illusion & Wanda finds herself in her basement, she hears her twins [Billy & Tommy] calling for her "Mom!" because Agatha has kidnapped them... VS In the post end credits scene when we see Wanda make herself a cup of tea + read the Darkhold at the same time, we/she hears her twins [Billy & Tommy] call for her "Mom!" It is not revealed if she's just having a "nightmare" of that moment from ep 8 or is she imagining it, or is she hearing them for real...calling from somewhere [other dimension]

Vision's plan was for them to move from big city to a small town, build a house & start a family/life together. Grow old together (even if he as a synthezoid presumbly doesn't grow old like Wanda as human would. Though maybe his human form could & perhaps she as Nexus being/witch can/will live for centuries..but they didn't know it back then?) as he had planned their life together in IW (making me suspicious if they got engaged or something...) as revealed in WV 1x08 flashback to the property deed that lead Wanda to WestView VS Wanda creating a sitcom world where decades change...she literally created an alternate reality where they live his plan for them..they grow old together..in a small town... as seen throughout the WV show...

Wanda seeing Vision dressed as the WV character, but looking exactly like when he died in A3: IW w. the mindstone ripped out... in WV 1x04 VS Wanda seeing Fietro dressed as the WV character, but looking exactly like when he died in A2AoU w. the bulletholes in the shirt in WV 1x06 VS Peter seeing Tony as an Iron-Zombie rising from the grave in the illusion Mysterio created to play tricks on him in SM2: FFH

Wanda seen as "evil” by her castmates..when she thought she did nothing wrong. She did not understand her power & as a byproduct she hurt others...unintentionaly & unknowingly...and now seen as the villian by WV people & world...more. VS Agatha seen as bad by her coven...when she thought she did nothing wrong. But she was messing with power that she didn’t fully understand. The question here is will Wanda’s journey ahead copy Agathas or will it be the opposite? Will she choose to go toward “good” or “evil” path? Agatha’s own mother did not believe she could be good. “I can be good.” / “No you cant.” Wanda had Vision, who had always seen the good in her & she had Monica, who could she the good in her, too. As Vision once said: “I wish to understant it (the Mind Stone). The more I understand it, the less it controls me.” If we adopt this to Wanda & replace stone with her power, this is a powerful lesson...that she’s carrying his message within her. He keeps being her moral compass even if not physically there...the memories remain. Vision’s "Be good, Wanda.” combined with the other truths he’s told her as her moral compass might and possibly will help her learn from Agatha’s mistakes. Because at the end of WV she chose the ”good side”, like Tony did at the end of IM. So I see them not copying her journey from comics, but making it a bit different. While in Agatha the book overpowered her, Wanda will overpower the book. Time wlll tell which route they actually chose for her. Wanda & Agatha - analysis TBA

Wanda in WV finale...as her character journey starts saying “you don’t get to say who I am... I decide that” mimics Tony’s character journey start, when he says “I am Iron Man” - he makes the decision to decide who he is, define himself (everyone was caling him a superhero, Iron Man...but he then took how everyone perceived him in his new role & made it his own). VS Carols’ origin story - she chose to “stand up” & define herself VS Monica’s origins story - she decided who she was & didnt let the Hex chnge her. VS What we see with (White) Vision also references this kind of, cause this new re-born Vision comes to a realization on who he is "I am Vision” Wanda & Tony - analysis TBA

THE END

There are many more, but those are the ones I first noticed & the ones I remembered to write down.

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laurasauras · 5 years ago

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What do you think Homestuck believes in?

g, i love you, your interest in me infodumping is honestly such a delight. i can sometimes feel like i’m talking way too much, but you always make me feel special, it’s lovely!

this is long, so i’m going to use a cut. i’m so sorry, mobile users. blame tumblr. tl;dr? i think homestuck believes in love, hope, and fighting even when the stakes seem insurmountable.

so there’s a lot of like “core themes” in homestuck, but “what homestuck believes in” is such a lovely and specific way to phrase it, so i’m gonna go with what i think the most important ones are.

firstly: love. and more specifically, all love.

look, there are romantic parts of homestuck. and they’re often show-stopping.

(also homestuck does visual callbacks very well, there’s a reason that these two scenes are composed the same way.)

but the core of the story is these four kids, all of them starting from a state of isolation. they don't have "real friends", they feel disconnected from their guardians, they feel disconnected from everyone in the world they walk around in, but they go online and they have each other. and they're constantly joking and making fun of each other, but they're also checking in almost every time they achieve something, as if grounding their friends in their real life.

the story keeps progressing and getting more and more complicated, but it can never quite overshadow the beauty of the pesterlog conversations between friends.

i think that's a large part of what the audience of homestuck connects with—that feeling of connection online and the support that the characters give each other.

i also think that a lot of the time, the friendships and familial relationships in homestuck were given the same—if not more—importance as the romantic relationships, which is fucking uncommon to see in media! almost every character has to come to terms with how their upbringing shaped them, and you know what? that's the same of almost every person.

the conversation between dirk and dave before the final battle is one of the most important and touching moments of the whole story! two of the characters most concerned with their adherence to masculinity and appearing Too Cool For Emotions talk about their feelings and trauma before hugging it out. and it doesn't further the plot, it isn't part of the hero's romantic arc, but it's vital.

the second big thing i think homestuck believes in is the importance of doing what is right. in being a hero.

homestuck positions john and his friends as the main characters selected by the universe to play sburb and literally ascends them to god status.

they're empowered by destiny! they're going to beat the game, conquer the worst villain ever and bring humanity and trollkind back from extinction AND their new world isn't going to be under the tyranny of a genocidal fish alien!

but that empowerment is also a disempowerment.

look at how frequently dave falls into the reluctant hero trope. fate fucking kicks them around. when they are so destined to do all that stuff, can they really be said to have free will? and when they do seem to make a wrong choice in relation to their destiny, it's either something that furthers the plot OR it creates a doomed timeline and they're usually killed horribly.

and it's a story that is constantly reminding us that it's a story! you can definitely lose yourself in homestuck, you can zone into it and accept the rules and just read it as if it's a reasonable reality, but i don't think it was ever written that way, or when it is, i think that that's a result of hussie accidentally getting into the story as well!

like okay, we start off with this:

that's fucking bonkers. he's 13 and he doesn't have a name? but of course it's bullshit, it’s just a cool homestuck thing. because we never get a conversation that goes:

TG: so the big 13

TG: you get a name yet

EB: yup! let me formally introduce myself as john!

TG: i give that name 4/5 hats

no, dave just immediately calls john by his name. and likewise, until we're introduced to the other characters and learn their names, they're referred to by their handle abbreviations, but the second they're introduced it's first name basis time. because it's a story and our perception is what matters most.

then we have the ridiculous intermission, that starts out as what dave sees when he goes to mspa.com and which resembles problem sleuth enough that i almost thought it was just that, but then seemed to be an entirely new adventure, and then became a pretty vital subplot!

and then we have the author literally climbing into the story and we watch him type it. Don't Forget This Is All Written By Me!

the website changes format, there are the meta jokes, there's the way that caliborn raises the same complaints to hussie about the story being too long and confusing that some members of the fandom were. there's the way that pantskat happened! or they drastic changes in artstyle, often because someone else was drawing a panel!

so like, we've got these characters who seem to have goals that they've developed of their own volition and who seem to have their own ways of going about achieving them, who at times even act contrarily to how hussie says he wants them to act (remember how he attempted to propose to/revive vriska and how both she and caliborn at different times type into the narrative prompt "instead of" hussie) but of course ultimately! he wrote every word!

they don't have free will, they don't even exist! but on a different level, which any writer can understand, once you as an author have established a character, you trap yourself into writing them consistently, which can mean that while something might be best for the plot, the character metaphorically crosses their arms in your head and goes "i would literally never do that."

some characters of homestuck become aware that they are and we know they are, but most of them don't think that, they think that they're just living the life they have.

how the fuck are his characters supposed to go about their days when their author finds it funny to block their path with a giant bust of snoop dogg? and when they work for pages and pages and pages to get around whatever asinine thing andrew fucking hussie (or worse! his fans!) has come up with, there's another obstacle and maybe there's not even a point anyway!

how do you not just dismiss it as something like "hes just being weird/an asshole/etc”?

yeah, look, he might just be having a laugh. but so to might god.

sometimes you're walking along and something really stupid happens and it makes you for a second want to believe in god so that you can stare at the sky and say "really." :|

think about why detective stories are so popular. they give the illusion that if you're clever enough, if you collect the right data and link it together, you can trace back exactly what happened and solve impossible riddles and make sense of the world. you meet a man who has dust on his knees and you can deduce that he's been sneaking down to the basement of the shop he works at to tunnel into the bank next door. there's nothing magic about it, watson, it's just good detective work.

and we neeeeed that lie! but you know how it works in the real world? in the real world, police are baffled at a crime scene until a decade later someone discovers the fingerprints belonged to a fucking KOALA! that's more ridiculous than a snoop dogg bust in a hallway, or most of the other things hussie has written.

i think like that's a huge message behind the epilogues too, because john figures out he's in a story in candy and everything feels pointless.

but if that's the world he lives in, that's the world he fucking lives in. there's nothing pointless about living.

and i think that clicks for him towards the end when he talks to roxy and then rose. rose actually thanks him for choosing a path that allowed her to have the life she had, because she loves her wife and daughter. like it's insane, but she's happy, that's the life she lived and she doesn't want a more sensible one.

so what happens to us when we get that feeling like the world is pointless?

(which is A Major Fucking Side Effect Of Depression BTW and i still stand by my interpretation that ALL of john's shit can be put down to his depression, which is what makes it interesting)

for a generation with fucking terrifying levels of mental illness, when we start feeling like the world is too crazy and the odds are too high, and there's fucking war happening and our friends aren't even guaranteed to be on our side?

we just fucking fight anyway.

because we live in the world we live in and we just have to be grateful that we are who we are because of that.

every character in homestuck chooses this, again and again, so i have to read that as hopeful. alpha dave and rose knowing who hic is and that their kids are so far away? still gonna fucking fight and fight LOUDLY even though they know it won't change things. (on top of the fucking white house, in case the political allegory was too subtle lmao.)

there are so many messages in homestuck and honestly i feel like i’ve barely scraped the surface of them. but what does homestuck believe in? i feel that in my heart. homestuck believes in love and in doing what is right, even when it’s hard to figure out what right is, even when you might not make a difference.

homestuck is good, actually.

#long post #homestuck #my post

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dragonofyang · 5 years ago

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The Heroine with a Thousand Faces

As the youngest member of #TeamPurpleLion, not only have I learned a lot in just the four months we’ve been working together, but I’ve explained a lot of what I’ve learned to others. Sometimes it’s about the history of Defender of the Universe and Beast King GoLion that @crystal-rebellion researched, sometimes it’s referencing @felixazrael‘s musical knowhow or @leakinghate‘s animation knowledge, and most recently, it’s leaning on @voltronisruiningmylife‘s expertise in how to break down and identify writing to provide corrections to those who see something in a show or article not working but can’t tell why. One big thing I learned since starting this crazy ride with my team is a massive hole in my college education on writing, which Felix filled in for me since we hit the ground running. Sure in my fantasy literature class we discussed Aesop and The Hobbit, and what the phrase “The Hero’s Journey” means and why it’s the monomyth, but there was one thing that my dear professor never taught us, although I’m sure she will in the future. Compared to Joseph Campbell’s heroic journey, this other monomyth is much younger.

What is it, you may ask?

Simply put, it’s a heroine’s journey.

[Image description: Princess Allura with her hair up and wearing her flightsuit from season 1 “The Rise of Voltron” backlit by white light.]

Let’s go on an adventure together.

To understand the heroine’s journey, I want to give you all a rundown on what exactly the hero’s journey is first. While it was never neatly labeled as “The Hero’s Journey” until Campbell, studies on common themes and plot points began back in the 1870’s. As time moved forward, Campbell published his 17 steps to the monomyth in 1949 (The Hero with a Thousand Faces) and as we move toward the present his monomyth is eventually dubbed as “the hero’s journey”. I won’t overload you with the dates and stuff I needed to study since that’s a) not the point of this piece and b) Campbell’s monomyth is actually secondary to the main one in Voltron: Legendary Defender. That said, it’s the backbone of a lot of literature both old and new, and while not every story follows these 17 steps outlined by Campbell or approaches them in the same order, you’ll find everything from the story of Christ to Lord of the Rings somewhere in these steps. It’s just that a lot of times the steps of the hero’s journey aren’t ever really explained, so you as a reader/viewer/consumer will see them and will have a gut instinct as to what’s supposed to happen, and when it happens you feel great! The story followed a formula that satisfies its audience! But it also makes a story that doesn’t follow a formula feel fundamentally wrong, from just a mild discomfort like putting on a shirt and buttoning it slightly off, all the way to triggering strong emotional responses including panic attacks or tears. Stories are designed to bring forth emotions from their audience, but what good is a tragedy without a lesson to learn? How can we enjoy an empty marriage when the couple has no chemistry?

So with this piece, I hope to illuminate just what the steps of the heroine’s journey are, contrast them against the hero’s journey, where VLD fits into all of this, and through that demonstrate why they are not interchangeable even though they share similar names.

Part I: Of Heroes and Heroines

In The Hero With a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell outlines seventeen steps, which are laid out in this diagram by Reg Harris:

[Image description: diagram of The Hero’s Journey using a circular diagram shape separating out the seventeen steps into eight categories, divided into the Known World and the Unknown World.]

In Maureen Murdock’s The Heroine’s Journey, she writes the heroine’s journey as follows:

[Image description: The Heroine’s Journey depicting a cyclical diagram of the narrative, featuring 10 distinct steps that loop back to the beginning at the top.]

The Heroine’s Journey is fundamentally cyclical in nature, and while the diagram above shows the Hero’s Journey as a circle as well, it ultimately has finite start and end points. One of the key differences between these is that the Hero’s Journey explores internal character in an external adventure and the hero achieves a (theoretically) lasting peace once their journey is finished. Conversely, the heroine must constantly evaluate themselves in the bigoted environment that tries to disenfranchise them.

As a note, while I use gendered terms such as “hero” and “heroine”, I use them as gender-neutral placeholders to label which monomyth I’m speaking about at present. Women can undertake a hero’s journey, and men can undertake a heroine’s journey, particularly when you examine them in an intersectional lens.

A heroine’s journey, at its heart, is an examination and acceptance of the self in an unaccepting environment, and its cyclical nature stems from the fact that whenever a heroine moves into a new environment, they have to make that journey over and over. They can be a queer man of color, a white stay-at-home mom, a disabled nonbinary person, whatever the case, the constant need to re-evaluate their place in the world is what marks the heroine’s journey as separate from the hero’s journey.

But while it’s cyclical in nature, we should start at the beginning nonetheless.

[Image description: Alfor (right) holding Allura (left) in the Castle of Lions. She says, “We can’t give up hope!” and he replies, “I’m sorry, daughter.”]

In The Heroine’s Journey, the story begins when an event causes the heroine to separate from the feminine. A significant event spurs them to reject the prescribed role of the patriarchy, which in the case of a woman could be a mother, a damsel in distress, a wife, etc. The heroine is put into a box and chafes against its edges because it cuts them off from their ability to reach for the masculine, the power and privilege it affords. This marks a stark difference from how our archetypal hero lives and begins their own adventure. The hero lives a fairly mundane life for the brief time we see them before the first element comes into play: the Call to Adventure. This is generally an external force spurring the hero to action, as opposed to the internal force of the heroine.

The hero then will Refuse the Call and will be introduced to the Mentor they will come to rely upon, whereas the heroine typically immediately begins on a journey to become more powerful/masculine, generally through rejecting femininity. Princess Allura does not inherently reject her own femininity. She rejects the helplessness of being forced into cryostasis after her people have been destroyed and embarks on embracing her masculinity by finishing the war her father and Zarkon started 10,000 years ago. The heroine Identifies with the Masculine and Gathers Allies, which we see Allura do in the pilot of season 1 of VLD. She awakens to find a team of five men and her male adviser Coran, her allies in the coming intergalactic war, and she takes up the metaphorical lion herself as the pilot to the Castle of Lions, changing into her armor--pink, to honor the fallen--for the fight against Sendak as he tries to claim the Lions of Voltron for Emperor Zarkon. Her choice of pink, particularly pale pink, is reminiscent of the breast cancer awareness ribbon, baby pink, it is an intrinsically female color that she dons to assume the role of her father, King Alfor. The narrative is reminding the audience that Princess Allura--the first nonwhite Allura, no less--is just as much a princess as her previous white and blonde iterations are warriors.

After choosing their allies and undertaking this quest of gaining power (not to be confused with empowerment, our heroine is still operating within the confines of the patriarchy here), our heroine undergoes trials and faces enemies that try to persuade them back into the box, into what’s known and fundamentally safe and silencing. The words may be kind, be delivered kindly, but ultimately they can be boiled down to a single message: “go back to where you belong.” For the hero this is a point of no return as an external journey. The hero can choose to go home and leave saving the world to someone else, or they can choose to face the trials that bar them from their prize. But the heroine? They can’t. There is nobody who can save the heroine’s world because for them because their world is what they are trying to escape, and often they are the prize for a hero. It’s up to them to save themselves, and at this point in time, adopting the masculine and the power of the father figure is the way to go. And it works. Princess Allura, again while she does not get discouraged by the men around her to remain an idle princess, because this is the 21st goddamn century, her conflict arises from inexperience. King Alfor supports her drive to finish the war and take decisive action, to finish what he started. The Paladins challenge her authority as a sovereign in the beginning because even if she’s a princess by birth, she has no planet and they’re not of her planet or species anyway, and until they themselves undergo trials in the first few episodes do they appreciate that Allura is still critical as a person, despite her lack of sovereign weight.

Together, she and her team move through the obstacles and the war against Zarkon together, while simultaneously trying to build a coalition of allies to aid in the fight. In fact, much of the plot of VLD takes place during this stage of the heroine’s journey, and it’s here where we as the audience follow Allura as she meets her animus in the form of a Shadow figure: the cunning Prince Lotor. He takes on the role of the challenger to force Allura to better herself, and as Allura rises to the occasion each time, he is textually impressed by her battle skill, then by her intellect. The most iconic moment of Lotor as a Shadow (aka: the half of herself that Allura doesn’t want to accept yet), is when he baits Voltron into battle, then pilots his cruiser through the volatile environment of Thayserix. He expresses disappointment at Voltron’s ability in battle, but when Allura in Blue rises to meet the challenge he lays out, he praises her, even if he textually does not realize who is in Blue at the time.

[Image description: Prince Lotor in profile, a pleased expression on his face, and the subtitles read “Someone’s learning.”]

As a brief aside: the animus comes from Jung and is often paired with an anima, or masculine and feminine energies. The key takeaway is that these energies are complementary to each other and exist in a balance. While they typically are portrayed in a more heterosexual context, like everything else in this meta, the terms are used in a gender-neutral context when not applied directly to Allura’s storyline. While Lotor could be likened to either Meeting the Goddess or (Wo)Man as Temptress in the hero’s journey, a key difference between the heroine’s journey animus and either of these feminized roles is that the Goddess and Temptress are two separate figures--generally women to male heroes--and are generally not equal to the hero physically or mentally. The animus, however, is intrinsically the perfect match to the anima of the heroine, being their complement and their intellectual and physical equal. Lotor is not meant to be seen as the woman on Indiana Jones’ arm, he’s meant to be a force in his own right, challenging Allura to better herself and raise the standards for them both. It’s fitting that this occurs in an episode full of fog and a dangerous abyss, because the traditional hero descends into a metaphorical (or literal) one to encounter these flattened versions of feminine energy.

The trials continue for Allura through the seasons, and she makes many allies and continues to face their enemies head-on, and once Prince Lotor, now Emperor, cements his place as one of Allura’s allies he shifts from the Shadow figure challenging her to the animus in full, being encouraging and supportive as they work together as allies to find Oriande, a mythical place that should yield them the secrets of unlimited Quintessence. While Lotor challenges Allura in a traditionally masculine way (physical trials, battle, strategy), he also encourages her in a decidedly feminine way through Altean history and mythology, as Altea is very feminine-coded compared to the Galra Empire, which through Zarkon represents a familiar and violent strain of masculinity that seeks to crush Allura and force the universe to fit his will through abusive language and physical violence and genocide. Allura taking up the battle in Alfor’s place is simply her continuing the cycle and seeing power in masculine terms, rather than breaking the cycle.

Now here is where the diagrams diverge even further. Until this point, the journeys followed fairly similar trajectories. After the trials and battles of the heroine’s journey, they experience the boon of the journey, which the hero does not achieve until they face further trials and temptations. As such, we will continue to follow the heroine’s journey model and I’ll explain the significance of the flip.

Part II: Not the Place to Arrive

One of the significant things about the heroine’s journey is that when a woman undertakes it, it’s empowering and her becoming her most unified self. Campbell once reportedly said to Murdock, “Women don’t need to make the journey. In the whole mythological journey, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize that she’s the place that people are trying to get to.” In the hero’s journey, often a woman’s place is as the prize, rarely is she her own agent. As I stated previously, the hero and heroine journeys do not have to ascribe to gendered protagonists, however the reality is that the hero’s journey is very patriarchal in nature since it was formulated primarily through the study of male heroes and does not take into account the constant reassessment heroines must face. For heroes, they simply must survive going from point A to point B. Heroines are always subjected to reevaluation within their environment and the people around them, so their journey never really ends.

All this is to say that the hero receives their boon at the end of their story and that’s the end of it. They get a happily ever after and can return to normal life and spread their bounty to those in need or dearest to them.

The heroines?

They get their boon at the middle of the story.

And there’s still more to come for our heroine as they build toward the climax (pun intended).

Princess Allura receives the boon of Oriande’s secrets with Lotor by her side, which in pretty much every literature class would become a discussion on the ways this represents sex, or the the ways Allura is interacting with the world in terms of gender, particularly how they discover Oriande after having an emotional reaction in Haggar’s lab and activating the Altean compass stone. In the heroine’s journey, this boon is often of the same significance as the hero’s boon/reward at the end of their journey, but for the heroine it’s false. It’s fleeting. It’s not meant to last. This is the turning point for our heroine because while yes, our heroine achieved the goal of the adventure, they did so by consciously or unconsciously shunning the feminine. In Allura’s case, she’s still taking after her father, trying to follow in his--and to an extent Zarkon’s--footsteps by mastering the unlimited Quintessence.

And true to form, before season 6 is out, our heroine seems to be betrayed by her animus, returning him to the status of Shadow figure as he challenges her to unleash the power within one final time. Princess Allura thinks Lotor lied to her and has been harvesting Alteans for their Quintessence when Keith and his mother Krolia discover a living Altean in the Quantum Abyss, and with the budding on-screen romance between Allura and Lotor, this betrayal cuts our heroine deep. To her, he not only lied about there being no more Alteans left, but he actively continued the genocide his father began 10,000 years ago. That’s not an easy thing to get over. So Lotor assembles Sincline, which bears a visual resemblance to a wingless dragon--the last metaphorical dragon she faces before moving into the next step of the heroine’s journey--and with Allura in Voltron the two battle it out in a tragic action-packed scene that leads to Voltron overloading Lotor with Quintessence and leaving him in the Rift.

With the dragon defeated and the boon lost, the heroine has to sacrifice not only her animus, but the last vestiges of her home to try and undo what following the masculine has done: close not only the original Rift, but all the fractures in reality caused by their battle.

And what does a girl who has already lost her planet, people, and lover have left to lose?

[Image description: The five Lions of Voltron flying away from the massive Rift, the Castle of Lions flying straight toward the center of it.]

The heroine following the footsteps of the masculine always comes at a major cost to them. In Allura’s case, she has to sacrifice her castle in order to make right the harm done to the literal universe. In this case, she mirrors Zarkon in his destruction of the universe, but rather than directly harming billions of lives on uncounted planets, she creates a literal hole in the universe because of her blindness to the consequences of the actions of herself and those around her.

And much like her father sending away the Lions, she must send away her castle in the hopes of saving the universe from greater destruction.

Part III: Transcending the Rift

From the gain and loss of the boon, things look dire for the heroine at this stage in the journey. In Allura’s case, she is without people, without planet, without castle, and as she learns at the beginning of season 8, her found family has families of their own--other than Coran, that is. Our heroine continues to lose pieces of the things and people surrounding her at the beginning of the story: which Murdock refers to as awakening feelings of spiritual aridity or death. She is losing her place in the universe even faster than before, when she stood on the shoulders of her father, and she must move forward. Allura passed the point of no return all the way back in season 1 episode 1. As the heroine, she broke free of the safe mold she knew for the past 10,000 years, and every episode since her awakening she has had to try to forge forward on the path she knew: that of her father. Now, though, her father’s methods have failed her, just as they failed him, leaving her with no option but to keep moving forward and to approach her journey from another angle.

[Image description: from left to right, Veronica, Allura, Romelle, and Pidge (mostly off-screen) in a clothing swap shop as Allura speaks. Caption reads, “I could give you a royal decree of service from the Crown Princess of Alte…”]

Allura not only must deal with the loss of her place in the universe, but she must also deal with the fact that by leaving Lotor in the Rift, she abandons half of herself as well. Physically she is a whole person, but if we look at her role as an anima and what her fears and strengths are, destroying her animus throws her self-knowledge out of alignment. She’s careening away from the safe path of her father, but she must now rediscover the strengths within herself without succumbing to her weaknesses and do so by stepping out of her father’s shadow.

Season 8 is rife with emotional buildup and no payoff. We as the audience don’t know what happened to Lotor for the whole of season 7 and we see Allura struggling to deal with all her losses, we travel to Earth and meet the MFE pilots, a plucky bunch who probably were meant to lay groundwork for a new Vehicle Voltron, and we see that Haggar/Honerva is the final big bad of the whole show, ready to vindicate the son she lost to the Rift, but also 10,000 years ago when he was born and she became the Witch we love to hate. So when we join Allura and the gang on Earth with Luca in the infirmary, and Allura’s final trials begin…

Or they should have.

[Image description: Lance and Allura kissing in rainbow lighting where they are artificially-colored in red, then pink, then blue from top to bottom in front of a fading background of warm yellow at the top to gray at the bottom.]

Instead, we are treated to the final acts of a hero’s journey, but still following our heroine through the steps.

Our heroine wears down to the persistence of Lance, who in a heroic journey would receive a fair princess as his boon, and Allura is trying to find a place to belong. In seasons prior to this, Lance acts like a goofy everyday guy, very much a typical character in many present-day stories that allows the audience to see themselves in him. He fantasizes about wooing the princess, calls himself a ladies’ man, tries to be funny, he’s a pretty typical character that a male audience is more likely to sympathize with, and as such the fantasy is pairing up with the prettiest, smartest, etc. girl in the story. The woman as a boon, the Goddess, and the Temptress are never on equal footing with the male hero, and even in the case of female heroes, the meeting with a god(dess) means that the female hero is worthy of being a consort rather than the equal that a heroine is to the anima/animus. In fact, Campbell reportedly told Murdock, “Women don’t need to make the journey. In the whole mythological journey, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize that she’s the place that people are trying to get to.” In the hero’s journey, if the hero is male and heterosexual, the women will always be the prize, the virginal ideal, or the sexualized damnation, and in all of them, the woman is meant to be receptive to the man (and doesn’t THAT sound like some familiar rhetoric). Never is the woman an agent in the hero’s journey when it fulfills a male fantasy. And it is this very same box that spurs a heroine to begin their heroine’s journey: this breakdown of people to individual parts as determined by a patriarchal society.

While Lance is a hero in his own right, in Allura’s heroine journey, he acts as an ogre that comes dressed as a male ally all the way back in season 1. He’s a Subverted Nice Guy in that he’s constantly trying to woo Allura, but ultimately he’s still reinforcing the same patriarchy that not only plagues Allura in this iteration, but also in previous iterations of the Voltron franchise. The Nice Guy doesn’t challenge the heroine like the animus, but rather encourages them to stay in place or to fit a predetermined mold once more.

Look familiar?

[Image description: Lance’s fantasy, with him standing triumphant over Zarkon as the team cheers him on, Allura kneeling at his right side and looking up at him, while a flag with his face waves on his left.]

Many of the silly shots in the series have been foreshadowing, whether in the most direct sense or in the promise of subverting what’s portrayed. In the case of this screenshot, by the time Lance gets the girl, Zarkon is killed (by Lotor), Allura has already had an intimate relationship (with Lotor), and the team collectively became heroes and allies of Lotor before the end of season 6 happened. Lance, textually, is not Allura’s equal as an animus, and while he doesn’t quite view her as his equal--especially in earlier seasons--he can only textually become her equal when she is at her lowest point, and he’s still affixed to the idea that she’s a prize, going so far as to say that “winning prizes is my specialty” in “Clear Day”. Really, it’s a messy relationship dynamic that tries to show the audience why, as they stand in the canon material, they don’t work. Not only is Allura still not his equal, but his fantasy comes about at the hands of others, or with the help of others, and he comes second. He plays a role, but he is not the singular hero he once fantasized about being. Textually this subversion is teaching him a lesson about becoming his best self and acknowledging that he doesn’t have to be the hero, the payoff of which should have come in season 8 as Allura completes her heroine’s journey to become her most unified and realized self. It’s meant to be his apotheosis, the new perspective and enlightenment brought to the hero after facing all the trials of the journey as a part of the final reward.

Allura, fighting with this sudden loss of herself, must now also help spearhead the war against Honerva, the archetypal Bad Mother, in an alchemist-versus-alchemist battle for not only Lotor’s physical soul but for Allura’s metaphorical one as well. This is a new fight, the gauntlet thrown by someone other than her animus, and after all his tests, she must still rise to the challenge with the same energy, but she must do so with new knowledge now that she knows she cannot rely solely on her father.

But what’s the next step for a heroine trapped in the arid desert of the unknown self and with the weight of the world pressing onto them?

They must descend to the underworld and begin the transformation from the masculine methods to unleash the femininity that’s been locked away this whole time.

And who do we have to escort Allura to the metaphorical underworld as she falls asleep?

[Image description: A close-up of Lotor’s face in deep shadows as he stares head-on at the “camera”.]

Her Animus, acting as a Shadow once more.

His entrance is littered with sex. Not literally, but metaphorically. He greets Allura while she’s in bed, the camera does a gratuitous slow pan over his body in a way that many cameras exclusively afford to women, the presence of a blooming flower with an erect stamen, the lighting of the preview--altered in the final season itself--is purple even, a romantic and spiritual color. You know the joke in college English classes about how everything is sex except sex? That’s this scene in a nutshell. He’s always been drawn and behaved in a way designed to appeal to the female gaze (an essay in itself), but this scene really takes the cake.

[Image description: Lotor as viewed in profile from a low angle in a Garrison room, looking down at a juniberry flower in a pot.]

And it’s this scene where we see Lotor give Allura the first critical piece of information for how she can stop Honerva/Haggar, but also reminding her that some people do not change. While Allura must change to achieve her realization, he reminds her that Haggar is still the same witch, and that her pain of losing Lotor becoming public does not excuse the fact that she has not expressed remorse or tried to change herself, let alone her hand in not only his downfall but in the brainwashing of the Alteans. She is an antagonist so focused on the wrongs done to her that she justifies the wrongs she does to others with them. Allura, however, expressed remorse and wanted to save Lotor as soon as she realized what was going on, which further cements the ways in which their fates could have been the same or switched had they made slightly different choices. Honerva is 10,000 years too late. Like Lotor mirrors his father and in “Shadows” is shown to be more empathetic, Allura mirrors Honerva and both prove throughout the show to have stronger moral compasses than their predecessors. They are the Emperor and Alchemist, and while fate decrees they must take up the mantle left behind, their free will dictates that they should not blindly follow their footsteps if they truly wish to make a lasting change. Narratively, they must forge a new path if they are to bring the universe to peace again.

[Image description: A close-up shot of the juniberry flower with Allura visible in the background, but blurred. The subtitle reads Lotor’s line, “The witch may change her name, but she will always be a witch.”]

Lotor tempts Allura to take the entity into herself, and when she reaches out to connect with it, she is taken further into the dreamscape and finds herself back on Altea and greeted by her mother. This marks the beginning of the reconnection with the feminine, but while Allura has always so desperately missed her family and Altea, she finds herself in a precarious position. Suddenly, she is in the very same mech suit that Luca was found in, and to save Altea from the Galra fleet overhead, she makes the decision to use the planet’s Quintessence. However, in the process of destroying the Galra fleet, destroys Altea as well. As her world crumbles, her mother congratulates her for a job well done. This presumably mirrors the dropped plot about the Altean Colony and the decisions Lotor would have been faced with, and after “Shadows” would lend both Allura and the audience a greater appreciation for the position he was in before he died.

And when she finally wakes?

[Image description: Allura sitting up in the Garrison bunk, looking at the mice, the juniberry dry and wilted in the foreground, blurry. The subtitle reads, “It was only a dream.”]

Our oh so sexual symbol is wilted, and Allura wakes up alone.

With the visual deflowering and this new revelation about the kinds of decisions those before her have had to make, Allura can begin reconnecting with the feminine in earnest without falling into the old placements she may have been subjected to at the beginning of the story. This would have continued further with Allura reconnecting with her animus in the missing episode @leakinghate titles “The Descent”, especially fitting as she continues her descent to her feminine roots as a heroine and to reconnect with her lost animus. Reconnecting and reconciling with him--and with the side of herself he represents--is critical to her achieving unity within herself and being able to face Honerva head-on.

Once the heroine has descended to the underworld, begun the reconnection to the feminine, and returned with new knowledge on their relationship to their emotional side and the aspects overshadowed by the masculine, they are ready to begin healing the mother/daughter split. This in essence is the heroine returning to the old knowledge she has cast aside when following the path of the masculine/father, but approaching it with a new understanding and perspective. Think of it as understanding why your parents enforced rules like “don’t run into traffic”. As a kid, the danger may not be obvious, but as an adult you’re able to look at the same situation, see over obstacles younger you might not have, and realize “oh shit, that’s a car”. That said, the heroine does not allow themselves to get put back into the same or even a different pre-prescribed role because they now have a greater understanding of the situation at hand.

In Allura’s case, this means revisiting the plan on how to take down Honerva, and realizing that she must pursue the course laid out by her trip to the underworld to not only save the universe, but awaken Lotor from being a robeast. Part of the conflict against this plan comes from the team, who see the entity she took within herself as dangerous. While that’s true, stopping the plan also prevents Allura from growing in strength to be able to fight Honerva. The power flowing within her that Lotor referred to back in season 6 is at her fingertips, and like his visit in “Clear Day” reminded her, she need only take it. During both parts of the “Knights of Light” episodes, Allura is confronted with shades of Honerva’s memories as they dive deeper, and it’s here that we as the audience and the cast are meant to learn what truly became of Lotor after he was imprisoned in the Rift, and it’s meant to be utterly jarring to everyone. Instead, with how the scenes were edited together during the post-production alterations, Hate aptly points out in “Seek Truth in Darkness” that Honerva promising vengeance and seeing Lotor’s corpse has next to no impact. Or rather, it does to the audience--a melted corpse isn’t exactly Y-7 appropriate--but the characters don’t really react to this revelation at all.

That said, it’s more than likely that Allura genuinely believes Lotor to be dead (as opposed to a sleeping prince), which would explain her aggressive reaction to seeing pre-Rift Zarkon, and we don’t see his reaction to learning what he did to his son, either. This would be a prime location for Zarkon to experience and express remorse for what his actions have done to his son, subverting the toxic masculinity narrative his character had been representing prior.

At the end of “Knights of Light Part 2”, Hate mentions that Allura would need to make another trip to the underworld to commune with Lotor and realize that no, he’s not dead, but also that she not only must defeat Honerva, she must do so in order to save Lotor and free everyone of the cycle of violence that began 10,000 years ago. This is the final descent she makes before she can heal the wounded masculine, both in herself, and Lotor directly.

[Image description: Allura in profile inside the cockpit of Blue Lion, unconscious. Her window displays measurement increments and stars in red-tones, while Allura herself is lit in blue tones.]

After the end of this episode, however, Hate mentions that much of what was there is butchered in the post-production editing, so I will be extrapolating based on the content we have in the season as well as utilizing her analysis of the story as it should have been.

When Allura wakes up from falling unconscious, this is when we should see her proposing to save her animus, and it should come with a discussion with Lance about how they don’t click romantically. That said, in the version on Netflix, we see their relationship continue, however much of their shared body language doesn’t necessarily even match up with an awkward couple. Lance seems sullen and possessive, and while he might still be sullen in Allura’s original heroine’s journey, he would have had this moment of growth in which he learns to let go of Allura. She’s his fantasy, and not only is that unfair to Allura, it’s also unfair to him, and he doesn’t need to be the hero or the guy that gets the girl. He can be himself, silly, sharpshooting, video game-playing Lance. A genuinely nice dude, which completes the subversion of the Nice Guy trope his character embodied for so long.

“Uncharted Regions” is a hot mess of an episode in terms of narrative flow and consistency, but this would have marked the beginning of the alchemist vs. alchemist fight for not only Lotor’s soul, but the universe. Honerva uses the Sincline mech and her new mech to start tearing holes through realities, and once Allura jumps into the fray, that moves the audience into the next missing episode proposed by Hate: “Storming the Pyramid”. This would be where Honerva uses Allura to revive Lotor because she did not receive the life-givers’ blessing, and Allura would do it, literally healing the wounded masculine, but also falling right into Honerva’s trap in the process. This would almost certainly be a highly-controversial thing among Allura’s allies, but like Allura remaining on the path she knew, it’s easier to accept Lotor as pure evil who got what he deserved, when at no point is there a definite case against him. In fact, “Shadows” is designed to render him as a sympathetic character, and seeing his melted corpse is even more horrifying after seeing him as a baby and child. But that’s the way it is when a heroine breaks the mold. The heroine defines their own role, and as part of that, it gives them the ability to help others break theirs. The heroine experiences true empowerment by divorcing themselves from the power structures that defined them before, and doing so with the greater knowledge of their internal masculinity and femininity. Allura revisiting the war of her father with the lifegivers’ knowledge to compound her intrinsic alchemical abilities is the moment when she achieves union within herself, and it manifests physically as reviving Lotor, her animus.

It’s after this point that we see the Purple Lion and Purple Paladin manifest, our namesake.

In “Day 47”, Kolivan references the team sizes the Blades of Marmora use. He references four and five as the usual sizes, but six occasionally happening, but what he says next is particularly interesting.

[Image description: Kolivan being filmed for an interview, saying, “Seven seems rare, but… it could happen.”]

The Voltron team had four Paladins briefly after Shiro disappeared and before Allura took up the mantle, but the full team always has five. After Shiro returned for good, their team became six Paladins.

Now, with the healed animus Lotor on their side, they could have the rare seven-person configuration that Hate discusses at length in “Seek Truth in Darkness”.

With the anima and animus aligned together at last with no secrets, they can unify externally the same way Allura unified internally, and battle against Honerva properly. Now, Team V, Lotor, and the entire universe can face Honerva head-on and stand a chance at winning.

We also should get the emotional payoff for Lotor as an abuse victim in his own arc, closing up this nice little loose end that hurts way more than it did before season 8 dropped.

[Image description: An up-close shot of Lotor glaring into the “camera” in green lighting and saying to Haggar, “maybe I will take pity on you when the time comes.”]

And it’s worth mentioning that while the final battle is exciting and action-packed, the final surrender of Honerva comes quietly, in the rift of all realities. The characters of Team V are able to deliver their character-based arc lessons, it’s a somber moment of learning as Allura, using once more the blessing of the lifegivers, enlightens Honerva to her memories and what she’s done, but also restoring her sense of self the way Allura was. This is the final healing of the mother/daughter split, and it’s significant that Honerva’s abuse victim not be her healer. Not only does Lotor (as far as we know) lack the ability, but it’s never the victim’s job to heal their abuser, just as it’s not the obligation of the oppressed to appease their oppressor. Honerva can finally move on and begin atoning for what she did by setting the ghosts of the Paladins of old in her mind free, but that still begs the question of what our heroine and her animus must do to finish the job.

This is where Lotor would get his second chance, in the most literal sense of the term, where he faces a similar trial to the one in Oriande back in season 6 and the burning question for a man so concerned with survival and cunning.

Is there something he would give up the life he has known and fought so hard to keep for?

And this time, the answer is yes.

Allura.

It was always Allura.

While Honerva is able to stop the rift from expanding by, well, not expanding it herself, she lacks the ability to properly close it the way that it was closed the first time. It takes one final adventure, one final unification by the anima and animus, by the heroine and her Shadow, and one final goodbye. Allura and Lotor, born of an age long past, become the lifegivers eternal through staying behind to close the rift.

The lionhearted goddess of life and her stalwart champion of survival.

[Image description: The final scene after the credits, where an Allura-shaped nebula is nestled up against a smudged, darker nebula with a sea of stars among them, and the five Lions of Voltron flying toward the nebulae.]

Sources

Dos Santos, Joaquim and Montgomery, Lauren. Voltron: Legendary Defender. Netflix. 2016-2018.

LeakingHate. “Seek Truth in Darkness”. VLD Visuals Detective and Imperial ApologistTM. 2 Mar. 2019. https://leakinghate.tumblr.com/post/183160042843/seek-truth-in-darkness

“Maureen Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey Arc”. The Heroine Journeys Project. https://heroinejourneys.com/heroines-journey/

Murdock, Maureen. The Heroine’s Journey. 1990.

University of Kansas. “Science Fiction Writers Workshop: Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey”. KU Guinn Center for the Study of Science Fiction. http://www.sfcenter.ku.edu/Workshop-stuff/Joseph-Campbell-Hero-Journey.htm

#dragon's ramblings #TeamPurpleLion #vld #the heroine's journey #voltron #allura #lotor #writing #literary analysis #strafe #hero's journey #lance #executive meddling #freevlds8 #free vld s8

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napofamikrokosmos · 5 years ago

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It Follows: Birthday Part 1 - Kim Seokjin

Inspiration: It Follows - Waterparks

Release Date: 3 December 2019. 10 am EST (4 December 2019. 12 am KST)

Genre: Song Fic, Fluff, Angst

Warnings: It’s sad at some parts but otherwise no

Word Count: 1.8k

Synopsis: You and Jin spent years believing your love for each other would never be returned

A/N: Part 2 comes out tonight at Midnight at exactly 12 am EST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JIN!

"I'll hide my life savings. In my jacket pocket. A simple sighting will do. I've been playing. The same old chords. Until they start to sound out of tune"

You and Seokjin had known each other long before he knew the trappings of fame. What started as a childhood friendship slowly blossomed into something more. It was painfully slow. Neither of you acting on your feelings, afraid to acknowledge the idea. Many years were spent with the other watching as you each loved other people, with fear that they could be the one.

Even before you were old enough to understand what love was you knew how you felt about Jin, was more than friendship. Jin knew that his emotions would never let him feel as strongly for anyone else as he felt for you. Yet it was like a cycle for the two of you, a cycle of pain and heartbreak. Always finding comfort in the other only to push them to the side when a new person came along.

Jin had to watch you be with guys he knew were never good enough for you. He would always watch you fall apart over boys who didn't know how to treat a girl. It was like an endless cycle. Nights spent comforting you after another guy screwed you over, only for him to choke before he can confess. It was always too late when he gathered the courage.

You stayed by Jin's side every time he ranted about how he found out another girl was just using him. Your heart would always sink at the sight of him hurt or upset. Many nights you spent in his bed, afraid to leave him alone when he was vulnerable. During those nights, rarely did you ever get to sleep. You always find yourself whispering your feelings to his sleeping form. Then morning would come and you'd forget your words at the sight of him.

It felt like you'd both been saving up your love like it was a currency. Never spend too much of it at once on someone. Deep in your heart, you had locked away the truest form of love.

To everyone around you, they could see how in love you guys were. The only ones who were oblivious to it were you and Jin. All he hoped for was for you to realise that other guys weren't worth your time and they'd never treat you the way you should be. All you hoped for was that he'd stop letting himself get played by girls who only wanted him for his fame.

Not only was it painful for you two, but it was also frustrating for your friends. The rest of the boys were starting to feel bad for their Hyung and his hesitance to confess to you. Your friends were starting to grow restless after years of watching you choose him over everything else.

"I'll hide the things that pain me. In my jacket pocket. And bid the quiet adieu. I've been waiting. Around for nothing. Killing off the 'something to do's"

Seokjin would never admit it but he disliked every guy you'd ever introduced to him. At first, he didn't understand why. Most of the time it was clear they did care about you, and that there were no negative intentions. Yet just the sight of you with someone else was like a stab through the chest. The thought of someone else possibly making you happier than he could, would make his heartache. Jin was too kind to ever make it known. He always buried the pain and covered it up with his jokes and the facade that was his playful personality, especially around you.

Your hope of ever being with Jin would always disappear bit by bit with every new girlfriend you met. Trying your best to be nice to them even when you could see right through their act. Faking a laugh at a joke they told nodding with a tight-lipped smile at any question they asked you. You always tried your best not to make your distaste obvious, for Jin's sake. Every time you saw them together you'd feel your heartbreak even more. It was starting to get pointless waiting around for him to put your heart back together.

As the years went on you drowned your emotions, mostly frustration, into your career. As BTS' fame and popularity grew Jin started focusing more on perfecting himself as a performer. Unintentionally pushing each other away, spending less time together. Watching each other thrive from a distance.

Weeks passed, then the weeks turned into months. Those months became a year. And that year became multiple. The last time you had seen each other, you were just getting ready to start your new job, and BTS was just starting to become more popular. That was years ago, but when you saw Jin he looked exactly as you remembered him.

Neither of you had time for relationships like you'd had in your younger years. You could both vividly remember the last time the other had been with someone. How badly they'd ended, and how you sought out each other’s comfort. The last time you'd seen each other you barely had time to speak to each other properly.

Despite not speaking to each other in a while, you and Jin still slipped into conversation as if it was natural. You both sat across each other in a cafe in Seoul, during a less busy time of the day. It was the rare moment where your free days had aligned and you and Jin agreed to meet.

"This city is insidious. I'm sitting here delirious. I'm not scared of anything. The city is insidious. I'm sitting here delirious. I'm not scared, no I'm not"

"I've missed you. I've missed this" You smiled as you looked at him, sitting across from you "It's nice seeing you here in front of me as Kim Seokjin my best friend. Not through a screen as Worldwide Handsome Jin of BTS" Best friend, the phrase didn't feel like a good enough title. Every part of you was deafeningly loud with the words, my only love.

Seokjin laughed shyly before returning the smile "I've missed you too, I've missed my best friend. I'm so proud of you" that's what he said out loud. However the voice in his head was screaming, the love of my life.

At that moment your eyes met his and something clicked. Jin's expression changed as he looked at you, almost as if he could hear your consciousness yelling. You felt your breath get caught in your throat, almost choking on air.

"There's something I need t-" You both spoke at the same time, before cutting yourselves off at the same time. Laughing quietly you turned away from him and tucked your hair behind your ear "Sorry, please go ahead" you mumbled

"I think with my heart. And love with my head. Do you see the problem here? You rip me to shreds. I think with my heart. You fuck with my head. Do you see the problem here?. You rip me to shreds. So tear into me"

It took you slightly by surprise when Seokjin placed his hand on top of yours. He took your hand, slowly and gently rubbing circles into your skin. You blinked a few times looking at your hand in his, before looking at him again. His expression was soft, his eyes stared at you with nothing but adoration.

He took a breath before he finally spoke "I love you. I always have" his voice was quiet, clearly nervous "I spent my whole life knowing I was in love with you. I was just afraid of messing everything up and losing you. Now I know how dumb I was. Ever since I realised how I felt you never left my mind. I thought I could get over it by being with other people, but then I'd see you with a new guy and I'd realise it was only you who I wanted to be with. You've never left my mind, ever since the day we met. I love you and all I've ever wanted was to be with you"

Your mouth hung open slightly as you processed Jin's words. After a moment you laughed shyly and looked away from him. Shutting your eyes for a moment it was your turn to take a breath.

"Please say something" Jin begged quietly

You couldn't you didn't know what to say. All these years you'd spent burying your feelings believing Jin would never feel the same. Only to learn that he'd felt the same way your whole lives. How were you supposed to respond to that? What was he even expecting you to say?

After what felt like forever, Jin couldn't take your silence anymore, and the unchanged expression on your face "This was a mistake" he roughly pulled his hand away from yours. "Maybe I was wrong, I'm sorry for wasting your time"

He got up to leave, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. You finally brought yourself back to reality just as he walked out the door.

"Jin" you sighed softly to yourself "Jin!" you ran after him

He stopped walking and turned around, looking at you blankly. Any semblance of his previous adoration had disappeared. "I don't need you to explain yourself. I think we should just forget this ever happened" he started to walk away again

You threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his waist burying your face into his back "Please! Don't leave! Just listen to me!" You mumbled against the fabric of his hoodie "I love you too. I swear I do. I just didn't know what to say. My whole life I believed I'd be better off with someone else cause I couldn't risk losing you. I love you, I just never thought you felt the same. Please don't leave me!" you felt the tears forming in your eyes "I love you, please, don't leave" you held onto him tighter

Jin was silent for a moment before he sighed, gently releasing himself from your arms. He looked at you and you saw that he was crying too. "I'm not leaving you" he finally said, cupping your cheek and wiping your tears away with his thumb. "I love you"

Leaning in his lips finally met yours. All the years of doubt faded away. All your buried emotions were ignited again. Your lips fit together perfectly, as you melted into each other. Feeling your heartbeat faster. Warmth and comfort flooding through your entire body.

"Kiss me like nobody would. When I was 15. I've spent some years rewinding. But I'm still just me. Kiss me like nobody would. When I was 15. I don't invite the head rush. But it follows me"

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underthewingsofthblackeagle · 5 years ago

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The Murderess of the Grunewald (24): Secret Whitsun Holiday on Rügen (13): Sharing Joy and Suffering (6f) - Jamie’s Story (IV)

“Tür” by Pexels

Previously

Monday night, Whitsun weekend 2020, three days after Claire's release from prison

"And? Was the lady a 'rock solid Scot'?"

"Well, her ancestors, like our ancestors, fled through Sweden to Danzig after the Battle of Culloden and later moved westward. After World War I, they settled in Berlin. And later, just before the wall was built, they also fled to the western part of the city. There she was born and went to school."

"How do you know that?"

"Oh, Claire! Of course, Jenny had already learned all that, and of course, that was the topic at lunch the day I met her."

Jamie was silent for a moment.

"She studied ecotrophology and then met her husband Ronald at the annual meeting of a traditional Scottish History Association. Later, they opened a restaurant, which made good profits. He took care of the business and the bar, she took care of the kitchen and the guests. But the success made him careless. He got engaged, well, let's say it this way, with people in the wrong circles. Then he also started to drink and became violent to her and their son. Nevertheless, she stayed with him, probably because of the child. Ronald died in a fire when his restaurant burned down. It is not clear what caused the fire. But the police suspected that he had troubles with several people. Perhaps Russians, protection racketeering. It seems he had upset someone, very much - and someone literally lit the house over his head. On the evening of the fire, he was drunk and had gone to sleep in the back room of the restaurant. He died of smoke poisoning before the house collapsed on top of him. Luckily, she and the child were in the family home a few blocks away. Thank God, nothing happened to them.

“Bier” by viganhajdari

"Uh!"

Claire looked at Jamie in concern.

Both reached for their teacups at the same time. Was it genuine thirst or a gesture of embarrassment? Neither of them would have been able to give an exact answer. When Claire set her cup down again, she asked:

"And? Was the woman, now a widow, looking for a father for her child?"

"I can’t tell you," Jamie replied, still holding his cup in both hands.

"We didn’t talk about that at all. As far as I know, there was insurance for the fire damage and she was probably also paid the life insurance of her husband. She and her son seemed to be well provided for."

Still, he rotated his teacup back and forth in both hands. Claire knew he had a hard time talking about the matter, so she tried not to pressure Jamie. It took a few moments, then he put his cup on the coffee table. His breathing was heavy, it seemed as if he wanted to suck all the oxygen that surrounded him into his lungs. Then he clapped his hands over his face, took another deep breath and gave himself a jerk.

"It's so embarrassing, Claire! So embarrassing!"

Claire put her right arm around his shoulders and hugged him tightly as if she felt the need to hold Jamie's body together.

"Actually, it was a nice day ... I arrived at the estate for half an hour before lunch ... The kids loved it, they had been looking forward to this day ... and, of course, to the presents, I brought with me ... When it was time for lunch, Jenny introduced me to this rock solid Scottish woman. Of course, I knew right away that this was once again one of Jenny's coupling attempts."

"Why ... why didn’t you leave immediately?"

"Oh, Claire," he replied, looking at her with eyes that begged for understanding.

"I was looking forward to this day. I was happy to see my nieces and nephews. I was happy to escape the hot and humid Berlin, which was suffering from the summer heat. For several weeks, I had represented a client in a case before the District Court, which was subject-specific but also emotionally very difficult. All I wanted was to be with my family, enjoy nature, drink some beer with Ian, have a good conversation, I just wanted to relax. Besides, I thought that Jenny had learned her lesson after her last misunderstanding ... after all, the whole thing had ended in court."

Again he clapped his hands over his face and breathed audibly in and out. "Please do not believe that it was easy for me to separate myself from my family. I ... I love them ... everyone ... including my sister ... You can not ... dis-sibling yourself ... even ... if you sometimes would love to do that." One more time he went silent for a moment. Claire could not see if he was just searching for the right words or if he needed time to gather his strength for the next step. "No longer seeing my nieces and nephews ... to no longer seeing Jenny and Ian ... not going to Potsdam anymore ... where we spent so many happy years with my parents ... in the house, whose rooms are full of all the wonderful memories ... No, Claire ... even today it feels as if I had ripped out a part of my heart ... Potsdam, Claire, that was my home too!" Claire's grip tightened on Jamie's shoulders. With her left hand, she pulled his face down to her and kissed him. Deep inside, his words had touched an area she had almost forgotten. Home.

“Saint Peter & Saint Paul, Wantage” * Picture by Andrew Mathewson via WikiMediaCommons

She too had had a home - once. The big house that lay on the unnamed branch of Loks Lane, just beyond the Ford River, amid old, tall trees. Whenever she had walked this way to their home, alone or together with her parents, she had felt like she was in a fairyland. Built from the large, gray stones that were characteristic of this region of the country, in her childish imagination it looked more like a medieval castle than the residential house her parents had inherited from Papa’s parents. Looking back, the phrase ‘My home is my castle’ meant more than words to her. From their home, it took only a few minutes to get to Betjeman Millennium Park. And from there one reached the Church of St. Peter & St. Paul in just some more minutes. The massive 13th-century building, with its bright interior and stained-glass windows, had impressed Claire since she'd first consciously noticed it. Her earliest memories went back to a Christmas celebration in this church. She could still see it right up to the present: the big lights left and right next to the altar, the adults seated in their pews. And she could see herself sitting on the floor in front of the pews, busy playing with some toys. The choir sang the wonderful hymn of Gustav Holst In the bleak midwinter, which she had never forgotten and which she should forever associate with that feeling of home.

Home, that was back then - back when her parents were still alive. But this home was lost. Like the memory of her parents, the memory of home was fading over the years. Today, Oxfordshire, Junction Loks Lane was just an address like any other.

The globetrotting life that she had led for so many years with her uncle Lambert had been exciting and interesting. But as much as her uncle loved her, Lambert Quentin Beauchamp could not really give her a home.

Then, years later, when she met Frank Randall, a certain hope sprang up in her heart: Together, they would start a family and create a home for themselves and their children. At last, she would get back what she had lost many years ago. And she had sworn herself, that she would do anything to make this new home for Frank and the children a place full of love, joy, and liveliness. They would be happy and enjoy life together. The joy she would see on her family's faces when they would be together in their home - this joy would give her the strength to do all the work that was required to run a large household. The love of her husband and the love of her children would compensate her for every sacrifice. She was convinced of that. But her hope had not been fulfilled. Worse, her hopes had turned exactly the opposite. Her dream had become a nightmare. Instead of living in a home filled with children's laughter, shared joy, and mutual love, she found herself in a cage. It was a golden cage, indeed. But it was tight and it cut her off from everything that makes a life worth living. And towards the end of her life with Frank, she had given up any hope that she would ever be happy again, that she would ever find a home. During the days she took pills to stay happy and awake and in the evenings she tried to fall asleep with the help of alcohol. Her life felt like a spiral that went only one way - down.

And when she was arrested the second time, her life seemed to have reached its endpoint. The only home she could expect until the end of her life was a 9-square-meter cell in a Berlin jail.

But then Jamie had entered the meeting room of the police department - and her life. And again there was a hope growing in her heart. But to this day, Claire had not allowed that hope to really take root in her heart. The fear of hoping for a home and then losing it before it had even become reality kept her firmly under control.

“Wohnzimmer” by JamesDeMers

Jamie stood up suddenly and his movement tore Claire from her thoughts. He took a few steps to the fireplace, propping his arms against the mantelpiece. Then, all of a sudden, he pushed himself away and turned around jerkily. "He takes a warm-up."

The thought hit her hard, and inwardly she braced herself for the confession that would follow. His behavior had not escaped Bismarck. The dog had raised his head and was watching Jamie's movements attentively, while Adso was sleeping well-fed (and at peace with himself and the world) on one of the chairs at the dining table.

"The day went well and the party was nice. There were also some old friends from Jenny’s and my school days. After lunch, I joined some of them and avoided being alone with that woman. After coffee, Ian and I went for a ride with the older kids and after dinner, the whole company split up into groups. I joined Ian and the other men. They had made themselves comfortable in the garden with good cigars and old whiskey, while the women brought the children to bed and then sat together on the terrace with a glass of wine. Shortly after 10 pm I said goodbye and went to my room to sleep. I didn’t drink that much, but I didn’t want to drive that Sunday night. The next morning I had to be in Berlin. There were appointments scheduled with clients. So I said goodbye and everything seemed to be o.k."

Jamie had walked around the room without looking at her. Now he was back in front of the couch. Claire looked at him. Then she held out her right hand. He took it and she gently pulled him down.

"And what happened then?"

The words came softly out of her mouth, almost hesitantly. Claire herself was astonished when she heard them.

"I was in my room for maybe ten or fifteen minutes when there was a knock on the door. I thought it was Jenny - or Ian. So I called 'Come in!' And suddenly the rock-solid Scottish woman in her nightgown stood in front of my bed and started to undress! I told her to stop it. But she refused and said something about loneliness and that she was sorry for me. We could comfort each other in our loneliness."

Jamie shuddered, then fell silent for a moment.

"Can you imagine that?"

He took a deep breath, but only to relieve more of his anger.

“How should I call that? Mercy sex?!”

Claire was startled by the sudden volume he spoke with. It seemed as if he wanted to jump up every moment. The vein, that run from his hairline to the root of his nose and which only became visible when he was trying hard, thinking hard, or when he was angry (and the latter was probably the case right now), was noticeably swollen. But Claire held his hands tight.

"What did you do?" she asked in a whisper.

"I opened the door and asked her to leave. But she didn’t want to, she tried to argue. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her over the threshold. Then I closed the door and locked it. I started to dress and packed my travel bag. She stood in front of my door for a few minutes. Then she probably realized that I wouldn’t take her offer and she went to her room. Sometime later, I sneaked out of the room and down the stairs. In the hall, I met Jenny. She had gotten a glass of water from the kitchen ... "

“Eingang” by Tama66

Jamie paused. Claire held her breath.

"Jenny asked what I was doing with my travel bag in the hall and I told her that I would leave and never come back. She looked at me as if she did not know what had happened. She ... she played the ignorance in person! As if this woman had dared to come to my room if Jenny hadn’t encouraged her! I ... I was so angry, Claire! So angry!"

"I understand you, Jamie," she whispered.

Once again she put her arm around his shoulders.

"I dropped the bag to the ground, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. It broke out of me like lava from Mount Etna. I shouted at her and told her that she had made a brothel out of our parents' house and that I would never forgive her for that. I took my bag and slammed the door behind me ... Then ... I drove to ... Kartzow Palace."

“Schloss Kartzow” by Axel Hindemith [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)] via WikiMediaCommons

Jamie took a deep breath and Claire began stroking his back reassuringly with her right hand.

"Katzow Palace was once a Prussian manor house. Today it is a hotel. The drive home would have taken only about 45 minutes, but I was so upset ... so upset ... I didn’t want to risk an accident. I knew that at Kartzow they have a 24-hour reception ... so ... I got a room and then stayed there."

He lowered his head and said nothing.

"And since then there's been silence between you and Jenny," Clair noted in a tone so calm she was once more surprised. Looking at Jamie now, she noticed that his eyes were filling with tears.

"Yes, since then I have not seen Jenny or the kids. Only with Ian do I meet every now and then when he's in Berlin for business. We stay in contact via email and he provides me with pictures of my nephews and nieces ... Oh, Claire! They've grown so much these four years, I don’t even know if they would recognize me at all ... "

Claire wished she could say something that would be a real comfort to Jamie right now. But everything she could think of seemed trivial, superficial, meaningless. She knew what it felt like to lose one's family. She knew what it felt to be torn away from home. And she knew that nothing could be a substitute for this singular place called home. Except maybe - a new home. Could she give him this new home? She didn’t know, and if she was honest, she had to admit that there was this little space in her heart that was hosting a big doubt.

They sat in silence for a while. Jamie had his head against her shoulder and Claire had begun to gently run her hands through his hair, massaging his head. When she looked at her watch, she saw that it was nearly one o'clock at night.

"Jamie?" she asked softly.

"Hmm?"

"I am very grateful that you have told me these things."

He looked at her and nodded.

"Let's go to bed now."

Once again he only nodded. Then they got up, extinguished the light and went up, followed by Bismarck and Adso.

That night, Claire was laying awake a long time. Jamie had fallen asleep relatively quickly and, as so often, lay on his back with hands folded over his chest. As she looked at Jamie's face, lit by the moonlight, she wondered if this man who had suffered so much did not deserve a better wife than the one she could ever be.

Thank you for reading. Next time, read: “The Murderess from the Grunewald (25): Secret Whitsun Holiday on Rügen (14): Sharing Joy and Sorrow (6g) - Jamie’s Story (V)”

#Outlander #Outlander Fan Fiction #TheMuderessoftheGrunewald #Claire Beauchamp #Claire Randall #Claire Fraser #Jamie Fraser #Adso the cat #Bismarck the dachshund #Grunewald #Berlin #Island of Rügen #Germany #Crime AU #Modern AU #Jenny Murray #Ian Murray

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 5 years ago

Text

I accidentally joined one cult after leaving the Unification Church cult

I decided I needed to get out of this church immediately, before I became some stranger’s child bride.

by HANNAH November 21, 2014

When we opened our eyes, I could still feel the fleeting warmth from his hands placed on my head. We sat in a circle as he led us into a quiet chant known as the “moola mantra.”

“Moola? Like money?” I wondered. The incense smoke snaked throughout the room. I noticed a donation bowl being passed around. Yes. Like money.

“Sat chi ananda. Parabrahma. Purushathama. Paramatma. Sri Bhaghavathi Sametha. Sri Bhagavathe Namaha.”

I readily joined the others in chanting, not really knowing what they were saying. When I couldn’t remember the next phrase, I just Milli-Vanilli’d my way through it, letting the other voices fill in the gaps for me. I’ve had a lifetime of chanting in a language I didn’t understand to prepare myself for this.

In 1982, my parents, among many others, had an arranged mass marriage at Madison Square Garden (photo above), performed by the infamous Sun Myung Moon. With a simple hand gesture, Sun Myung Moon matched my parents together among a sea of brides and grooms, and five years later, I was born, the second of four children. It’s always troubling to think about how my very existence was decided by some Washington-Times-owning, money-laundering, homophobic, sushi tycoon/sexist cult leader, but I guess it makes things interesting.

Our childhood was…weird, in a word. Even as a kid I found myself thinking, “Why are we selling flowers at the side of highways?” “Why are we going door-to-door making strangers drink juice?” “Why are we sprinkling salt over our groceries?” “Why are we waking up at 5 a.m. to bow to a picture of a Korean man and a bowl of fruit?” “Why are we chanting right now, I mean, really? What language is this? I’m tired.”

Friends would come over and ask who the Korean people were in the photos around our house, referring to the Mr. and Mrs. Sun Myung Moon.

“I…uh…they’re my grandparents.” I often found myself saying.

“But…you’re…not Asian,” they’d reply, stating the obvious.

I’ll never forget my birthday during the blizzard of ’96. My parents took us to one of Moon’s mansions in D.C. to meet some witch doctor of a woman. She claimed to embody the spirit of Sun Myung Moon’s dead mother. We stood in line behind a closed door in the foyer.

Before the door slammed shut, I caught a glimpse of a large group of people gathered around a woman and a boy. The woman had her eyes closed with the boy sprawled over her lap. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and seemed to be crying. Red marks were all over him. He tried to escape her grip, arms extended to what I assumed to be his mother, who sat silently in the circle. Then, the door shut. I’m haunted.

Finally, my turn came. I nervously sat myself next to the woman. She lifted my shirt, prepubescent chest exposed, as the captive audience watched as I was hit several times on my back. She prayed in Korean over me. And then, applause. It was over. Somewhere, there is a photo of my brother and I standing in front of the mansion after the woman hit us that day. We were smiling.

Beyond the ritual abuse, there was a certain strain of poverty that only a child of a cult could understand. You get used to communal living and sleeping on floors very quickly.

Before we eventually settled in the D.C. metropolitan area, we had traveled around the country, staying in attics, basements, and church-owned hotels and mansions. There’s a very real cognitive dissonance that occurs when you’re living in a mansion, sleeping in a tiny bedroom with all six members of your family. In that mansion, I befriended a young, Japanese opera singer who lived on the top floor. She’d French braid my hair and show me pictures of her fiancé, a man she had yet to meet.

I thought this was so strange, but I would later learn that being “matched,” or engaged to a stranger in another country was common. At 17, it happened to one of my best friends. I’ll never forget the look of misery on her face as she stood in her wedding dress, among the sea of brides and grooms, holding the picture of her future husband.

It was then that I decided I needed to get out of this church, immediately, before I became some stranger’s child bride.

Within days of that decision, I got a phone call from an old friend.

“Do you want to get your third-eye opened?” She asked.

“Do I…what?”

“You heard me. Get your third-eye…opened.”

When we arrived at the house, a blue-eyed man answered the door.

“David!” Joanna squealed. “It’s so good to see you!” He wrapped his arms around her, practically swallowing her tiny frame. “Hannah, this is David. We met at a commune conference. We couldn’t stop staring at each other from across the room. It was kismet.”

David laughed and put out his hand to shake mine. “Nice to meet you, Hannah.” He led us inside, where a bald-headed man was sitting cross-legged on the floor, eyes closed deep in meditation.

He opened his eyes and spoke with a soft cadence. He introduced himself as Daniel. He told us that he had recently returned from a trip to India, where he received a special blessing known as “deeksha,” from a group called “The Oneness Movement.” By taking part in this expensive ceremony in India, he became empowered to pass this gift of enlightenment to us.

He instructed us to close our eyes as he guided us into meditation. He came around the room and gently placed his hands on our heads. I was struck by the similarities of this ritual with another my parents performed for my birthday. There is something spiritual about having someone caress the crown of your head while they speak in soft tones over you. I felt enlightened, or at least relaxed. Like Fox Mulder [The X-Files], I wanted to believe. But there was a Dana Scully in the back of my head that wouldn’t completely let me.

I began attending meetings regularly. Daniel and I developed a close friendship where we spoke on the phone daily. At one point, I was $300 short for my rent, and without blinking, he loaned me the money. Three months later, I found myself riding in a car with him to attend a Oneness Movement get-together in Pittsburg.

We pulled up to a row house in Pittsburg, where we were greeted warmly by a jolly man. He placed prayer beads over our heads, luau-style. “Namaste,” he bowed, and we did the same. He led us upstairs to his railroad apartment and gave us a tour.

“And this…is my Christmas room.” It was August.

There were two entirely decorated trees with trains circling around them. Presents galore. Reindeer, flashing lights, snowmen. It was Christmas hell. I took a seat, completely entranced and horrified by the mechanical Santa’s never-ending “ho-ho-ho” mantra. I kept thinking, “Where am I?”

Daniel called me into the next room where others had already gathered and were chanting in harmony.

“Sat chi ananda. Parabrahma. Purushathama. Paramatma. Sri Bhaghavathi Sametha. Sri Bhagavathe Namaha.”

I sat on my knees, and just as I was about to lower my head in a child’s pose bow, I noticed a familiar face from across the room. She looked a lot like Diane, a Moonie truck driver who would stop and make us oxtail soup when she passed through town. She loved talking about God with my parents. No. It couldn’t be. It was. Our eyes met. In a panic, I lowered my forehead to the ground to hide my face.

Finally, the chants subsided, and a faint voice spoke up. “Hi, I’m Anthony and I prepared a song for you all.” I slowly raised my body, trying to hide my face behind my hair. A mousy-looking teenager stood before us, boom box ready. The familiar sound of chimes and wind instruments filled the room. I knew this song.

“Olha eu vii lue mostar…” He sang. “Como é belo este mundo…”

He was singing “A Whole New World,” the Disney classic, in Portuguese. I noticed Diane was full-on staring at me. I panicked just as Anthony’s falsetto kicked in for Princess Jasmine’s part of the duet.

“Um mundo ideal…Um mundo que eu nunca vi…”

I looked around the room, scanning for any sign of acknowledgement from another human. Nothing. I noticed everyone in the room was in fact, crying. Was I that cynical? Should I feel something right now? Watching Anthony shimmy his way through the intense key change was definitely a spiritual experience, but I still didn’t want to give these people my money. I felt duped. This “whole new world” suddenly felt a lot like the old one.

I retreated to the Christmas room in an attempt to hide from Diane. On a table, I noticed a photograph of Sri Bhaghavan and his wife, the founders of the Oneness movement. They were sitting in chairs, like royalty. The photograph was nearly identical to ones my parents kept of my pseudo Korean “grandparents.” Horrified by the parallels, my inner Dana Scully finally broke through.

I spent the rest of my time at the retreat doing just that — retreating. I slithered along the walls, and managed to avoid a conversation with Diane other than, “funny meeting you here” and “please don’t tell my parents.”

When I left my respective cults, I was excited to be integrated into the real world, a place without cults, or so I thought. Not so. These days, I see cults everywhere: cults of influence, cults of institutions, cults of politics. You learn a lingo, you follow a set of rules, a code of ethics. Sometimes you wear a uniform and a name tag. Sometimes you are sleep-deprived and haven’t seen your family in weeks. In a world where CEO’s are more likely be to sociopaths, it’s harder to define what is a cult and what isn’t.

What’s important is listening to your inner Dana Scully, no matter how badly you want to believe. The truth is out there, sure, but it’s also inside you.

_______________________________________

Hannah

After selling flowers as a child with the Moonies, Hannah is now a part-time florist. Her life has hilariously come full circle. She is also a songwriter and musician. She is a student majoring in human services and hopes for a career in social justice advocacy.

_______________________________________

A few of the comments on Hannah’s story:

mrsdanger So interesting, would love to hear about your life now and your parents’ reaction to leaving.

Keith All religions are cults, some are more destructive than others. Thank you for sharing your story. Write another story for us later to let everyone know how you are doing on your new journey.

sara_ahoy I understood what she was trying to say here. A lot of successful people become that way because they refuse to follow the rules of society, some are more aggressive, and willing to throw other people under the bus in their bid for a promotion. Cult leaders tend to act similarly, acting charming but ultimately bullying their way into leadership positions and ruling through fear and ignorance.

We like to think that the societal rules that we all follow are there to benefit us, but I’ve found time and time again that I’m paying arbitrary fees of all kinds that go straight to a rich businessperson somewhere…

Lalaloki … they sure discourage people from ever taking a day off, even when sick. And then, when people do call out sick, there’s a sort of underlying guilt involved. People are being paid to be there, sure, but in a cult, people are being “paid” salvation.

tracy This is perfect! “What’s important is listening to your inner Dana Scully, no matter how badly you want to believe. The truth is out there, sure, but it’s also inside you.”

Huh Wow, you should write a memoir! I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian church that was very cultish. We left in middle school and it was hard adjusting to the real world but my “inner Dana Scully” has been strong and made me skeptical of all things spiritual ever since. My advice: If a group (religious or otherwise) makes you isolated or relies heavily on secrets get the hell out!

FoxMulder She needs to know the truth is out there

breebree Moonies aren’t rich at all! The majority (my parents included) dropped out of school and donated ALL of their money to the church. And keep doing it. Ugh, so stupid.

berly I want to know why the cult did a ritual of hitting children? [ansu, a Korean shaman ritual to get rid of evil spirits]

_______________________________________

The FFWPU / Unification Church and Shamanism

Soon-ae Hong (the mother of Hak Ja Han) spent two years in Chuncheon Prison after Ansu beating an 18-year old boy to death.

Fear and Loathing at Cheongpyeong Lake

#shamanism #Hannah #2nd gen #moonies

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