#userKatieJayne

[detectivecarlosreyes]

hurts like hell 

Ao3 | 2.5k | Rated: Teens | tarlos angst, break-up and post 3x02 spec fic

Summary: Carlos visits TK in the hospital three times while he's recovering from his hypothermic coma. Once with friends and family, once alone while TK is still unconscious... and the third time? Well, TK is awake for the third time. aka: a breakup and post-3x02 spec fic mashed into one.

for the anon who requested 12. on the angst prompts: “You were the one who walked out, not me.” I feel like you looked into the future with this one. I’ve already got a prompt for 38 which I’m still working on, so I did 12 for you instead😊 

song: hurts like hell by fleurie

How can I say this without breaking? How can I say this without taking over? How can I put it down into words? When it's almost too much for my soul alone I loved, and I loved and I lost you

It was Nancy that called him to tell him what had happened. TK is in the hospital. And his first reaction was to go straight there, acting as he would have when he and TK were still together because even now, he couldn’t stop his heart from beating wildly in his chest at the thought of TK once again on death door in a hospital bed.

His first visit was surrounded by friends and family, the people who knew him, the people who knew TK, the same people when knew them as TKandCarlos. And the same people who knew that they were broken up but knew nothing as to why from what he could gather from Nancy and Paul’s questioning texts.

His second visit was alone.

At first, he was going to stop after the first visit, telling himself that it was to temper his curious and fearful mind of the possibilities. But then he came back early in the morning a couple of days later after a long shift where his thoughts were still consumed by TK and the guilt he felt with the way their relationship seemed to have fallen to pieces.

He walked in with daffodils in hand because they were the only yellow flowers he could get his hands on so early and peeked in the doorway to check no one else had managed to get in before him.

He wasn’t sure he would ever be mentally prepared to see someone he loves like this. Paler than ever with a ventilator assisting him to breathe. It, ironically, took the breath out of him. It was a different feeling coming here alone. The emotions felt rawer, truer, and less muddled.

With care, Carlos added the daffodils to a lightly filled vase of starting-to-wilt flowers before gingerly taking a seat by the beside and gathering one of TK’s hands in his own. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew that he was nowhere near over TK like he’d been trying to convince himself that he was, despite knowing how they got to where they are.

__________

Carlos woke with a start from his dream, his nightmare, the memory of smoke irritating his lungs and soot coating his skin and hair. Staring up at the ceiling, he placed a hand over his heart willing it to settle as he reached out the other to feel for TK, just to take comfort in the fact that they were both alive and well.

His hand met cold sheets instead.

Confusion and concern overrode the fear and anxiety of the nightmare. Carlos passed his gaze around the room; TK was nowhere in sight. The ensuite light was off and no light seemed to be coming through the bedroom door to the living room.

Carlos shivered, the full-body sweat from the nightmare cooled on his skin. Stepping gingerly he crossed the bedroom, being quiet in case TK had moved to the couch to sleep. When he reached the doorway, he leaned out, peering into the dark room only to find TK sitting perched on the couch with a mug cradled in his hands, frozen with a thousand-mile stare looking as though he had barely slept a second.

“TK?” he said lowly, so as not to startle his boyfriend, “What are you doing up?”

“Regardless of how gently Carlos tried to rouse him, TK still jolted at the sound, shaking himself out of whatever daze he was in.

“What are you doing up?” TK echoed him, avoiding the question himself as he set down his mug and beckoned Carlos to join him, “Nightmare?”

Carlos nodded, still slightly shaken that he doesn’t think anything of TK’s odd behaviour, and accepted the mug of steaming camomile tea that TK brewed for him instead.

He didn’t know it then, but it wouldn’t be the last time that he would wake to a cold bed.

________

Those nights continued to happen more often than not, and it became a ritual of sorts that TK would make him some tea and they would sit in comfortable silence, TK’s arm wrapped around his shoulders as they watched whatever tv show that was being played at the ungodly hours, the sound played on low volume until they were tired enough to go back to bed.

It wasn’t until his nightmares lessened did he question it more, finally noticing that TK wouldn’t answer any personal questions as to why he was up. After some time it became frustrating, not getting the answers when clearly his boyfriend was not doing well. He had bags under his eyes, and as far as Carlos could tell he barely slept. He didn’t know how deeply it went.

When he went back to work, TK and his crew were still looking to find a place to work together, so he would oftentimes come home to their hotel room that they had been staying in to find TK had made him dinner, all fakes smiles asking him about his day. Carlos only knew they were fake because he knew how sullen TK would become when he was alone in the twilight hours.

Worry and concern pulled at him, stretching his tolerance thin and it all came to head one evening after Carlos had pleaded for TK to talk to him, to talk to someone, anyone. And when TK refused once again he couldn’t take it anymore. Exhausted from going around and around in circles he tiredly said that he needed some time, even had begun to walk out the door  to just put a little space between them for a moment when he heard TK mumble under his breath, “Maybe it would be better if you didn’t come back.”

So he didn’t.  

He wanted to come back the moment he stepped out the door, but he followed TK’s cue. He didn’t get a single text message or call asking for him to come back, so he didn’t call or text TK either. It didn’t stop him from feeling guilty the whole time.

That was less than a month ago and they had managed to avoid crossing paths at work. That is until the snowstorm. And now here he was, sitting by his ex-boyfriend's bedside. He stayed for as long as he could until, inevitably, his friends came to visit. Carlos took his leave, not wanting to be the subject of awkward questions.

His third visit came almost a week after the second. And a lot of things had changed since.

“Carlos?”

Carlos stopped short at the door, only realising too late that TK was in fact awake and his dad was with him.

“Oh,” he breathed out feeling like a deer caught in headlights, “I think I might …” he indicated with his thumb to the exit, hoping for a swift getaway. That was quickly dashed when Owen stood from his seat with a groan.  

“No, no. Stay, stay, I need to go stretch my legs anyway.”

Carlos stayed awkwardly in the doorway as Owen passed him with a pat on the shoulder and a sympathetic look. He looked to TK unsure if he should stay.

TK, for his part, pressed his lips together in a thin line and let out a short, “Hey,“

“Hey, I just came to see how you were doing. Nancy didn’t tell me you were awake.” Carlos fidgeted at the door, wanting to leave but also missing being able to talk to TK.

TK, however, didn’t seem to be quite so conflicted as he crossed his arms with a frown, “she told me you visited last time she was here. I’m surprised you still cared.”

The barb hit home, and it hurt Carlos more than he expected. He responded softly, “I’ve always cared about you TK.”

TK huffed, tightening his arms across his chest, “Could’ve fooled me. You were the one who walked out, not me. Remember?”

“Because you wouldn’t talk to me!” Burst out Carlos finally taking a couple of steps into the room. He paused and closed his eyes. This wasn’t the time or place that he wanted to talk about this. Breathing in deeply he continued, voice measured, “I tried getting you to open up for months.”

“I didn’t want to burden you!” TK fired back, voice raised and coloured in emotion as he threw his arms wide.

“Burden me?” he questioned with heat.

“You were struggling with nightmares of the fire for so long, and I didn’t want to make it worse with my own problems,” TK half-shouted, “I was trying to fine for you.”

Carlos shook his head, speaking quietly, “Don’t use me as an excuse for not communicating. You say you were trying to be fine for me, but you put these walls up around yourself, you shut down on me.”

TK slumped down in the bed and looked at his hands, shamefaced, “I didn’t want it to be another thing that’s wrong with me that you would have to deal with.”

Carlos moved quickly and sat in the seat that Owen had vacated, “Being with you has never been something that I had to deal with. I loved you TK, I chose to be with you, but It hurt too much when you wouldn’t let me in,” he said beseechingly, trying to get TK to understand.

TK sat silently, hands in his lap as he avoided eye contact, processing what Carlos just said, not knowing how to respond. He felt pained over the thought that he had been hurting his boyfriend for so long and not knowing what to say to make things right.

Carlos, however, misunderstood the silence, taking it as a cue that the conversation was over, and stood, wordlessly leaving the room before pausing at the door, “I guess that’s it then. I’ve said all I can say.”

He left without another word. What he didn’t hear this time is TK’s quiet, “Don’t go.”

-

It was a couple of weeks later that he saw TK again, this time it was at his parent's ranch, which he had been staying at since he and TK had split. What he didn’t expect to see, however, was how fired up TK was when he came knocking at the door.

“TK? What are you doing here?” he asked, stepping through the front door and pulling the shut behind him, giving them some privacy from his family who were setting up for lunch.

“I’m not ready to give up on us,” TK said in a rush.

“Wha-“

TK didn’t give him a chance to even finish the first word of his question, “You were right, what you said in the hospital. I did shut down on you. I thought I was being what you needed me to be but in doing that I closed myself off, you were having your own issues I didn’t think you would notice.”

Carlos waited as TK took a deep breath, clearly psyching himself up to say what he was about to say next.

“I was depressed and when you started calling me out on it, tried to get me to talk to you about it, I didn’t know how, I was already in so deep, so when you wanted to take a walk that night, a dark part of my head was telling me that you should save yourself from me,” He met Carlos’s eye regretfully, “and I guess you heard me.”

“TK, I-“

TK put up a hand, “Let me finish, please.” He pleaded.

Carlos nodded and breathed out a quiet, “Okay.”

TK reached for both his hands, grasping them tightly in a way that didn’t hurt, and looked deeply in his eyes, “I’m sorry for not being open with you, for not communicating my feelings when you did with me. Opening up is not something I’m used to in a relationship, I’m used to bottling it up and dealing with it on my own. And I know that it’s not healthy which is why I’ve been going to therapy ever since you left. I want to be better for you if you’ll let me.”

The silence between them was palpable when he had run out of things to say. Carlos raised his eyebrows and tilted his head as he searched TK’s eyes, “Are you done?”

TK nodded, looking nervous now that he had finally bared his heart and mind after so many months of silence,

Carlos gave his hands a little squeeze and offered a gentle smile, “TK… as much as I like to say if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be and that it’s important to know when to move on, I never really meant it because I still love you even if I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m not.”

TK took a step closer closing the distance between them, “I still love you too.”

He knew things weren't magically perfect, but he couldn’t deny what his heart and his body were telling him. Carlos released TK’s hands and held TK’s face in his hands instead, “I never stopped loving you, even when it hurt so much.”

TK’s hands settled on his hips, as their faces inched closer together, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t,” Carlos replied, feeling TK’s breath on his lips.

“I missed you” TK whispered, unable to look anywhere but Carlos’s eyes while their lips were a hair’s breadth apart.

“I missed you too,” Carlos breathed before finally closing the space between them and pressed his lips to TK’s. It felt like coming home.

They were tentative at first, feeling each other out as if kissing for the first time until the flame that had been missing between them ignited once more and they pulled each other in so tight that they were each keeping the other from losing balance.  The kiss became more desperate as they remembered how much they each had longed for this moment, their hands roaming each other’s bodies as if they had forgotten what the other felt like.

Eventually, though they had to break apart, each needing to take a breath before they passed out. Their forehead stayed pressed together as they breathed in each other panting breaths.

“Hi,” Carlos said softly.

TK smiled warmly, “Hi.”

“Did you want to stay for lunch?” Carlos asked quietly.

TK’s smile grew, turning into a grin, “I’d like that.”

Carlos returned the grin with one of his own, sliding his hand from where it was at the back of TK’s neck and down to his hand, interlacing their fingers together. He put his other hand on the door handle and paused. He looked back at TK, feeling the love that he had thought he had lost take root back in his heart, and with that he opened the door.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

How do you know when you're losing control

Ao3 | 711 words | Rated: General Audience | Eddie introspection

Summary: Spoilers for 5x01. Eddie is just going through it, trying to understand what's going on and why he's getting panic attacks.

Panic attack.

That’s what the doctor said. Panic attack, not heart attack.

And Eddie couldn’t understand it.

It had felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest the way it was beating so hard and fast. And he’d never felt his chest feel quite so tight that it was near impossible to breathe. The way his legs gave out from under him as his vision blurred around the edges. But when he thought about it and after Chris had announced to the doctor that he’d been shot; he remembered that it wasn’t his left arm or shoulder that hurt but his right.

Still, it didn’t make any sense to him, he’s never had a panic attack before, not even after he returned from Afghanistan. And that was a far more anxiety-inducing event than what happened 4 months ago. So why was it happening now? If these were panic attacks, then why didn’t they start happening in all those months since being shot?

The doctor had an answer for that too.

Repression.

That’s what she called it.

I don’t panic. That is what he said but deep down in his heart, he knew that a panic attack was the only reasonable explanation, even if he didn’t like it. That doesn’t mean that he couldn’t deny it. He didn’t want it to be true. He had put his wound in his past, did the rehab, healed. Back to full function. Being shot wasn’t something that he want to think about ever again now that it was behind him.

Why should he, he’s fine now.

At least he thought he was.

That was until he had that minor blip at the air traffic control tower. Spaced out on Chim. He had felt his chest start to constrict again and his eyes lost focus like the first time. The only saving grace was that he was at work, a reason for him not to lose control, something to focus on and suppress what was happening.

Even when the second patient had said he was experiencing the same sort of symptoms he had felt just the other day, he suggested that it could be a panic attack, like the hypocrite that he was, denying to himself that that was what had happened to him.

If it was a panic attack, then what was it that triggering it? It’s a question that swirled around and around in his head as they traveled to the hospital. Because no matter how much he thought about it, the two incidents were entirely unrelated.

Regardless, he thought maybe it was over. That he could put this medical setback behind him too. That is until he set foot back in the hospital this time wheeling a gurney instead of being on one and saw Dr. Salazar. Heard the surprise behind the recognition in her voice when she called his name. Saw Buck’s confusion as he picked up what she was putting down, comprehending that he’d been to see her recently.

And now he knows that there was absolutely no way that he’s going to be able to put this behind him anytime soon. Not when Buck has heard what he’s heard. His best friend can be like a dog with a bone when he wants to be, and this was going to be no different.

And yet he still denied to him that anything was wrong. Because that was the crux of it. He’s always been an ignore it until it goes away kind of person when it comes to himself. But he knows that now that Buck has caught wind that something was going on with him, he’s never going to let it go until he gets answers.  And he’s always appreciated Buck caring about him, but it means coming to terms with what he’s been denying to himself.

He said he doesn’t panic. Because, to him, panic feels like a loss of control. It means letting down the wall that he surrounds himself with to hide his true emotions, not just the watercolour versions of them and thats what scares him.

Because the problem was that once he admits it to himself that he does panic, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Your heart out on the asphalt 

Ao3 | 2.1k | Rated: Teen | Tarlos angst

Summary  A serial bomber who uses bomb vests as their calling card is on the loose and they are targeting spouses of members of the police department. Unfortunately for Carlos, TK becomes their next victim. 

For @silvarafael‘s prompt request: angst #36 - “Don’t tell me to calm down!”​ + tarlos

TK was missing.

Unable to be reached.

Nowhere to be found.

Missing.

It had been 24 hours since anyone had seen him last, when he had left the station after a shift, on his way to his dad's ahead of Captain Strand for their weekly dinner. He never made it.

24 hours wasn’t a long time, not even long enough for them to file a missing person’s report but the captain knew something was wrong. It wasn’t until they had tracked TK's phone to a back-alley dumpster that they could only assume the worst. He had been taken by the serial bomber, just like the other victims, it was the only assumption that Carlos could make, though he didn’t know why he was a target.

TK would be the fourth in a string of abductions, and as it turned out, became the missing link to all of the officers that were connected to the other victims, each being a spouse of an officer. He and TK had been dating for a little over year, which seemed to be enough for the serial bomber to consider him spousal material. The details didn’t matter to Carlos, all his thoughts were on TK and what his fate would be because of their relationship.

And that’s when he found him.

Carlos lost his breath all at once and for a moment all he could do was sit in shock as his car idled in the street. There TK was, with arms bound in front of him and his head bowed as he sat cross-legged on the dusty, worn asphalt lit by the Camaro’s headlights like spotlights in the late afternoon shadows.

And then TK lifted his head, even from this distance, Carlos could see his eyes shining with unshed tears as he took in the car before him. Carlos could see the bruising gash stretching across TK’s temple and the dry, crusted blood that had dripped down the side of his face. Carlos watched, unable to breathe when he saw the recognition blanket TK’s face and it was only then that the tears began to fall.

Carlos couldn’t recall when he got out of the car or when he called his Captain’s direct line, passing on the pertinent details as he was trained to do. All he knew was the smell of the tar that had been cooling from the then-gone afternoon sun. He wasn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forget the scent after that day. 

He remembered feeling the rough, loose grit that scraped his hands and knees through his pants as he skidded down to land himself in front of TK; The way the small fragments of gravel clung to his hands as they ghosted around TK’s body, too afraid to touch him in fear of setting off the crude vest attached to his chest, like what happened with the first person. 

“Carlos…” TK whispered as the tears ran steadily in tracks down his face. It was enough to break him out of whatever trance that he’d fallen into upon seeing his boyfriend in the street. 

“I’m here. Everything will be okay.” He said as he gently palmed TK’s cheek for a second in an attempt to reassure him despite the frantic tone of his voice.

“You shouldn’t be here,” murmured TK, “This is what he wanted.”

“What do you mean? Who did this?”

“I don’t know who he is, but he’s watching from the street cameras. Said he’d set it off if I moved…” The vest beeped once, the sound coming from behind a small panel on the front. Carlos gingerly peeled it back to reveal a countdown that was trending downwards, “…and said he’d start the timer as soon as he saw you.”

02:58

02:57

02:56

Carlos looked down at the phone that he had haphazardly dropped beside him when he reached TK’s side, remembering that he was still on the line with his Captain. He picked it up with a shaky hand and described the device strapped to TK. From here he learned that his Captain had also added to the call the leader of the bomb squad who was already on the move to their location.

They weren’t going to make it in time to diffuse.

The bomber had made sure of that.

02:44

He had left them just enough time to say their goodbyes, but Carlos was not ready for that just yet. Staring hard at the device, an idea began to form, and he spoke hurriedly to the bomb squad leader, asking if she’d be able to possibly guide him in diffusing it himself if he showed her the vest through video call.

She had quickly agreed understanding there to be no other option, and listed what he would need, which he thankfully had in his Camero should he ever need to do any simple repairs. Carlos hurried to retrieve them before returning, glancing briefly at the countdown as he felt his whole body break out in nervous sweating over what he was about to do.

02:11

02:10

02:09

TK mirrored him and looked down at the countdown and also saw how little time Carlos had causing him to look back up sharply, “Carlos, you don’t have the time for all this! Just GO! Save yourself, please!” he pleaded in a rush, voice panicked as he tried to push at Carlos’s shoulder awkwardly with his bound hands in an attempt to get him to leave.

02:01

It doesn’t take much for him to catch TK’s hands and hold them in place against his struggling, “TK I need you to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” TK exclaimed mostly out of fear than anger, “I have a bomb strapped to my chest, and I don’t want you to die with me if it goes off!”

Carlos changed tact and released TK’s hands in favour of grasping the back of his neck, forcing his boyfriend to look at him, “Look at me TK. I can do this. Trust me.”

01:54

TK let out a shaky breath and almost inaudibly whispered, “I trust you, of course, I trust you.” as he settled under Carlos’s steady gaze before he released his neck and studied the wires that he could see

Carlos set the phone down and listened to the instructions given to him and exposed the wire port to the device. He picked it up again showing her what he could now see. It was a chaotic bundle of multiple coloured wires complicating the system, but the chief was pretty confident in what she saw and what wire he needed to cut in order to diffuse it safely.

00:32

TK caught his wrist, stopping him as he steadied himself to make the cut, “TK we don’t have time for this.” He uttered tersely, heart racing at the thought that this could be their last moment if the chief was wrong.

00:24

“Just let me do this part Carlos and you can go; you still have time to get far enough away to be safe,” implored TK.

00:16

Carlos shook his head again, not even considering leaving him as an option, not when his heart had already decided that TK was it for him. He didn’t think his heart would be able to survive it if he left him here, “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it together.”

00:11

He bit his bottom lip and slot the scissors over the yellow wire, making eye contact with TK as he does so before TK pre-emptively squeezes his eyes shut.

“I love you TK.”

He cuts the wire.  

-

-

-

-

-

-

00:08

00:08

00:08

The timer continued to flash the same number. 8 seconds. 8 seconds between life and death.

Tears of relief sprung to Carlos’s eyes, and he let out an audible gasp, realising he’d been holding his breath for some time. TK opened his eyes at the sound, glanced down, and shut them again as a sob bubbled out of his chest and he pitched forward, sagging in relief against Carlo’s chest with his forehead on his shoulder.

Carlos caught him, wrapping his arms around him gently, being mindful of the vest as they both panted heavily from the adrenaline of the drawn-out moment. Eventually, TK pulled back, eyes red and puffy from the tears that were now soaked into Carlos’s shoulder.

“Why would you risk yourself like that?” He asked, voice shaky with emotion, “You could have blown up with me instead of being safe.”

Carlos cupped TK’s cheek, gently brushing a thumb along the ridge of his cheekbone, wiping at the residual rivulets of tears, “Because there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would give you up so easily, even if it meant us blowing up together.”

It’s then that they’re interrupted by the sound of arriving emergency vehicles, and most importantly the bomb squad. Carlos sat back on his haunches glancing down at TK’s hands. He picked up the scissors that he’d dropped in surprise when TK fell into him and started working on the duct tape binding on TK’s wrist.

By the time he was done, the bomb technicians were at their side with a lead-lined box held between them. He watched warily as they carefully took the vest off TK, placing it resolutely into the box for safe detonation, and took it back to their armored truck.

Carlos took in their still seated position and moved to stand up, offering his hand to TK as he did so. TK slotted his hand in his with a smile and Carlos pulled him up where their eyes met again and this time they crashed into each other once again, tightly wrapping their arms around each other and finding themselves breathing in the soothing scent of the other.

As they slowly began to disentangle, Carlos felt TK’s body waver and he saw TK’s eyebrows knit together as he brought a hand up to his injured temple as he took a faltering half-step backwards. He nearly collapsed if Carlos didn’t still have his arms around him and supported his weight as the paramedics picked up their speed with the gurney that they had on standby and brought it to them, helping Carlos to guide TK to lie on the bed.

He doesn’t move from the gurney’s side as they wheeled it back to the ambulance, stopping for a moment when TK reached out to him, dragging him close enough that he could get his hand on Carlos’s cheek and pulled his face close enough the Carlos could feel his breath on his lips.

“I love you too. Thank you for staying.” TK whispered and guided Carlos down until their lips met for a quick and gentle kiss. They parted after a beat as the paramedics returned to take him to the hospital.

He watched as the ambulance drove away, wanting more than anything to be in the back of it with TK, but he still had a duty to debrief with his Captain who had surprisingly joined them out in the field. It was there in the debrief that he fould out they had figured out why the specific officers spouses had been targeted.  it was a revenge story. Some twisted sense of justice from a time when he was still a rookie, the first trial he had to testify at. The bomber had been targeting anyone involved from the department. And they were already on the move to find the man responsible. 

By the time that he'd finished debriefing and made his way to the hospital, he found TK already set up in his own room, hooked up to an I.V. for dehydration and butterfly strips over the gash on his temple.

“Hey.” TK said softly from the bed when he noticed him in the doorway.

“Hey. How’s the head?”

“Throbbing, about as bad as my last abduction.”

Carlos sighed and sat down in the chair next to him, picking up his hand, “The fact that you have something like that to compare it to is a worry. Actually, the fact that you’ve already been in the hospital multiple times since I’ve known you is a worry.”

TK shrugged his shoulders with a smirk, “Unfortunately for you, this is what you’ve signed up for. I’ve already made my peace with it.”

Carlos rolled his eyes and chuckled, “Well I guess I’ll have to make my peace with it too.”

He just adds this moment to the now slowly growing list of the most terrifying moments of his life, the other being their home burning to the ground. He was grateful that overall both incidences had resulted in their relative safety. All he could do was hope against all hope that there won't be any more in their immediate future. 

[detectivecarlosreyes]

A delicate touch

Ao3 | 3k | Rated: Teen | Hurt Carlos / Tarlos 

Summary:  Carlos gets injured at work and ends up at the hospital before being sent home, TK comes home to find him in need of some TLC and does what we know he would do and takes care of him

Tropetember Day 3: Hurt/Comfort / Sickfic / Whump

Of all the ways Carlos expected his day to go, he wasn’t expecting this.

Though, how could one expect to be chasing down a perp on foot in the late hours of the afternoon to an abandoned building where they could be hiding anywhere. He radioed his position for backup and his partner was already circling her way around to the other exit.

Carlos couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease over the situation as he stepped inside the threshold to assess its interior. There were sheets of opaque construction plastic hanging from the ceiling. Portions of the wall, incomplete in its framework, still in need of drywall. From where he was standing, Carlos could only assume that through the door ahead of him, he would expect to see much of the same throughout.

Maybe he and Mitchell should have stuck together.  

At least then he would have the backup for what was about to happen.

The man they were after came charging out from behind the plastic sheets in a side-on assault from the doorway where Carlos was standing. He didn’t have the time to react before a swinging hand connected with the side of his face, hard enough that Carlos knew it would instantly bruise.  

It didn’t help to know that the man in question was a known bodybuilding steroid user and had the muscles to boot. Carlos couldn’t even get his gun around before a hand grabbed on the front of his uniform and he was literally lifted off his feet and thrown several feet into a stack of metal beams that were hidden behind more sheets of plastic. The impact causing his breath to escape him all at once.

He lay there in a stunned stupor for a moment as he regained his breath, pain blossoming along the left side of his ribs and back. With a groan he rolled from his back off the beams onto his hands and knees, eyes following the retreating silhouette of the perp exiting through the door and steeled himself to get back on his feet and give chase.

He was prepared to ignore the lancing pain each breath sent to his ribs and winced with each step it took just to get back to the doorway. He breathed out a shallow sigh of relief upon seeing the flashing lights of the requested backup had already arrived and were taking the perp into custody, thankful he wouldn’t have to send himself on that painful mission. Watching them struggling with four officers to get him in the back of one of the patrol vehicles, provided Carlos with some modicum of relief from his innate sense of embarrassment from being overpowered so easily.

With an arm wrapped around his side, he radioed for Mitchell with an update and moved towards the corporal who had taken charge of the perpetrator’s apprehension. When she caught sight of him, she moved to meet him, eyebrows raised in thinly veiled concern at his appearance.

“You’re looking worse for wear Reyes. What happened?”

“I stepped inside one of the entry points to assess where he could have gone and he charged me, ma’am,” he said, gesturing to his blooming cheek, where he felt the drying crust of blood which he hadn’t noticed before, “knocked me, before throwing me into a bunch of metal beams.”

“I am not surprised he managed to do that, considering how much manpower it took to get him under control,” She gave him an appraising look, “report to your CO, let them know what happened, then I’d strongly suggest getting yourself checked out at the hospital. I’d imagine your CO would say the same.”

“Yes ma’am.” He responded with a grimace and turned to leave, seeking out Mitchell who was waiting back at their patrol car and did as the corporal ordered. He wound up at the Emergency Department with his partner in tow, following the same recommendation reiterated by his CO.

By the time he finally got home it was dark. All he wanted to do was wash away the day and fall into bed with an icepack attached to his side. However, thinking about doing those things and actually doing them did not factor in how much torso movement was required.

It was easy enough to get out of his button-down uniform shirt at the station and had assistance to get out of his APD undershirt when being examined but now that he was home, the muscles surrounding the offending ribs had seized up and were spasming with every movement. All he could do was stand in the bathroom half out of his shirt while continuing to remain clothed from the waist down, looking mournfully at the already dark bruises in the mirror that made it near impossible to bend over without pain.

So preoccupied with the task before him, he didn’t hear TK arriving home.

*  *  *

TK entered their home in the late hours of the night, firehouse duffle bag on his shoulder and exhausted from a long and busy 24-hour shift. He knew that from the calendar of their work schedules hanging by the kitchen that Carlos’ own shift would have ended not long before his own, meaning that his boyfriend should already be home, likely already passed out from his own long shift.

With a yawn he dropped the bag by the door, noting with a furrowed brow that the entryway was bathed in darkness, an unusual occurrence for the two of them. It had become a regular habit for them that whoever got home first would leave a light on in welcome, especially if they knew the other would be arriving home in the dark hours of the night.

knowing the man was home after seeing his car in the driveway and keys in their customary place by the door, he called quietly, “Carlos? You still up?” not wanting to wake the man if he was indeed asleep,

He padded through the house, noting that there were no lingering smells of reheated pre-made dinners prepared for such an occasion as nights like these. Toeing off his shoes by the stairs, TK felt the cool temperatures of the wood seeping up through his socked feet as he made his way upstairs to the bedroom.

It’s not until he’s partway up the stairs could he see light filtering from the partially closed bathroom, indicating that Carlos was not yet in bed. Just as he stepped on the landing TK heard the quiet hiss of pain from the man he was looking for.

Concerned and curious at the same time, he peered through the crack in the doorway to see Carlos’ reflection. His eyes were immediately drawn to a deep purple bruise decorating his cheek that had stretched to shadow around his eye as well. He couldn’t contain the small gasp at seeing Carlos hurt and pushed the door wide open, startling his boyfriend and causing him to turn towards him with a pained wince, catching a hand on the basin with a white-knuckled grip.

TK pushed past the door, stepped into the bathroom, and sucked in a breath as he saw what he couldn’t before. The mottled bruising wrapping around Carlos’ side to the back of his ribcage which he could now see in the mirror’s reflection.

“What happened to you?” He asked, ghosting his fingers over the blossomed bruises as his eyes catalogued the small cuts and grazes adorning Carlos’ shoulder and forearm.

Carlos shrugged in the barest of movements with a bite of his lower lip. “Got thrown into a stack of metal beams by a guy I was chasing down today. Bruised some ribs.”

TK could tell that Carlos was brushing over the details, but what he said was enough and the main takeaway TK got from it was that his boyfriend got hurt and was in a decent amount of pain just from the small movement of twisting his body. It was then that he took in Carlos’ appearance, taking note of the shoes still on his feet and the half-worn t-shirt.

Slightly bemused, he bit back a smirk, “You can’t get undressed, can you?”

Carlos just gave him a pained expression as he huffed out a short breath sounding defeated, “No, it hurts and spasms every time I try to move.”

“Come here,” TK said softly turned Carlos enough so that he could easily manoeuvre around him. From here he helped to finish the undressing process, making quick work of removing the shirt, shoes, and pants, minimising the pain dramatically compared to Carlos’ attempts by himself.

TK stood up when he was done, eyes lingering on the bruise to his boyfriend’s face, “Shower?”

“Yeah,” Carlos breathed out shallowly.

TK moved past him towards the door, “I’ll leave you to it,” he paused by the door, half turning, “unless you want some help washing.”

Carlos waved him off, “I think I can handle it.”

“Alright then, I’ll have ice packs and bruise cream for you when you’re done,” he said over his shoulder as he stepped out, eyes already scanning blindly as he tried to remember the last time they had used the bruise cream, and where they would have put it last.

It didn’t take him long to mentally replay the cream’s last use and found it in his bedside table drawer. Triumphant, he put it on the bed along with Carlos’ pyjama pants. Having already showered at the end of his shift, TK got dressed in his own pyjamas before heading back downstairs to retrieve two icepacks from the freezer and two clean dish towels to wrap each of them.

By the time he was back upstairs Carlos was already out of the shower, attempting to dry himself with minimal bending or twisting. TK smirked slightly, rolling his eyes as he picked up the pyjama pants and rejoined his partner, seizing the towel from his hand. He quickly finished drying the spots that Carlos was reluctant to reach before grabbing the pants and wordlessly crouched down, offering each leg hole for Carlos to step into.

“Thanks,” Carlos murmured when he stood up and moved back to stand beside the bed. TK responded with an acknowledging hum as he picked up an icepack offering it with an outstretched hand and a soft smile, “Come on, I found the bruise cream.”

He watched as Carlos stepped towards him, accepting the icepack, and sat on the edge of the bed as he brought the icepack to his cheek with a wince. TK folded his legs underneath him as he sat behind Carlos and untwisted the cap of the tube. He rubbed it between the fingertips of his hands in an attempt of warming the viscous cream and started lightly applying it to the dark purple bruises adorning Carlos’ back and side.

Carlos stiffened slightly at the touch and his breath hitched in obvious pain, “Sorry,” TK murmured and lightened his touch as he smeared the cream over the mottled skin and gently rubbed it in.

There was a sense of quiet intimacy between them as he worked. It wasn’t often that their roles were reversed with TK being the one to take care of Carlos, having been on the receiving end of numerous injures since they’ve been together. In a way, it was nice to finally be able to return the favour.

He could feel Carlos taking quiet measured breaths beneath his fingers, definitely not taking full breaths as he should. TK hummed, “Babe did you go to see a doctor?”

“Yeah,” Carlos breathed out in a strained exhale and shifted uncomfortably.

“And did they say anything about how you should be breathing?” TK probed as he finished up his ministrations to Carlos’ left side, already knowing what the answer should be.

“They did.”

TK scootched up close behind Carlos and wrapped his arms loose and low across his waist, pressing his cheek to the side of Carlos’ neck, “And are you doing what they said to do?” he asked warmly.

“I suppose not,” Carlos admitted in defeat, clearly aware of what TK was alluding to.

“They prescribe any meds?”

“They said to take some Advil if I needed it and they gave me a prescription for some stronger stuff if it doesn’t help.”

“Trust me, I know you want to tough it out but you’re better off taking them so you can breathe properly, I don’t want to see you get pneumonia.” He pressed a kiss into Carlos’ neck and moved off the bed.

“You know?” Carlos asked, concern colouring his voice as he turned his head to look around at him.

TK shrugged nonchalantly, “I may have fallen through an unstable floor once back in my second year on the job, got some nasty rib bruises like you have. It sucked.”

“Oh gee, thanks for making me feel better about it.”

“You’re welcome.” TK leaned in and pecked Carlos on his uninjured cheek, and then picked up the other ice pack from behind him, gently pressing it to the worst point on his ribs, “Hold that, I’ll get the Advil.”

Carlos replaced his hand holding the icepack in place and called quietly to him, “Should be somewhere behind the mirror,” as he walked back towards the bathroom where they kept the medicines. Finding it where Carlos had said, he returned with the box and picked up a water bottle left on the dresser before taking up his place back in front of Carlos.

Carlos abandoned the icepack he had been holding to the right side of his face in favour of holding out his hand to which TK distributed two pills from the blister pack. He popped them in his mouth and took the bottle to wash them down, scrunching his nose as he swallowed.

TK looked at him questioningly as he picked up the bruise cream again and Carlos answered with a simple, “stale water.”

He let out a huffed laugh and shook his head at his boyfriend’s dramatics as he started dabbing away at the now icy skin around Carlos’ eye, making quick work of rubbing the cream into his skin before gently caressing his cheek below the contusion when he was done, “There, how’s that?”

Carlos gave him a soft smile, “I already feel better.”

TK stepped in closer between Carlos’ legs, bracketing his arms around his head and kneaded his fingertips in the back of Carlos’ head as he tilted his face up, giving him a kiss on the forehead, “Much as I would like to believe you, I can’t imagine that the ibuprofen has kicked in just yet.”  

“Well, maybe it’s because of your excellent caretaking skills.” Regardless of his words, Carlos couldn’t completely hide the pain and discomfort from TK. It was plain to see in his eyes.

“Mhm hmm, I’ll take your word for it,” TK said, humouring him as he continued to lazily scrub his fingers against his scalp, “In any case, we should get some sleep. It’s late and we’ve both had long days.”

He stepped back, leaving Carlos to sit on the end of the bed as he turned on one of the bedside lamps and turned off the bedroom and bathroom lights, and flipped back the covers of the bed. With an assessing gaze, he turned back to his partner, noting which side the bruising was on. “How do you want to sleep?”

Carlos cleared his throat slightly and immediately winced at the action, “Definitely on my side.”

“Thought so. With me in front or behind you?”

Carlos stood up with a grimace, “You in front of me, I think, I don’t think I could handle anything touching my back right now.”  

TK nodded understanding what he meant, “In that case, you sleep on my side of the bed.” He offered.

Carlos gave him a tired smile before his gaze slid down to the abandoned ice pack and made a move to pick it up, forehead creasing as he bent over, grunting slightly at the action. He collected the ice pack and cream from the bed and straightened back up, removing the second icepack from his side, and returned it to TK with the other items, an unspoken request for him to put the icepacks back in the freezer downstairs.

“You didn’t want to keep them for tonight? We’ve got a couple more in the freezer to rotate through.”

Carlos shook his head, “Nah, I think I should be right. Think the Advil is starting to kick in.”

“That’s good.” TK shook the packs slightly, “I’ll be right back.”

He returned from the kitchen to find Carlos gingerly easing himself beneath the covers on his side of the bed. He slotted himself in on the other side on his back, allowing Carlos to properly turn onto his side and nestle against him. His top side was slightly leant forward pinning TK’s arm against his side, and a firm arm snaked across his waist, hand tucked under TK as far as it could go like an anchor to keep himself from falling backwards in the middle of the night.

TK craned his neck slightly to look down at Carlos who had his head angled just so on his shoulder that his cheek wasn’t touching anything but air. “Comfy?”

“As much as I can be,” mumbled Carlos, voice already heavy with sleep.

TK reached over to the lamp switch and turned it off, sending the room into darkness. He placed his hand over Carlos’ arm and turned his head against his pillow until his cheek was resting against the top of Carlos’ head. Feeling the steady and fuller rise and fall of Carlos’ chest against his arm.

They managed to stay like that all night, both somehow falling into a deep and heavy sleep. The following next few days had a repeated similarity with TK doing what he could to assist and accommodate Carlos limited movement. Their nights ended the same as the first unless TK happened to still be on shift, then he was replaced by a pillow, in the same position until Carlos could move more freely as the tender muscles around his ribs healed.

Carlos couldn’t remember the last time someone looked after him that wasn’t his parents, it was nice, and he appreciated TK’s diligence even if he went a little over the top with his caretaking. He supposed that’s what you get when your boyfriend is a paramedic who knows what it’s like from his own misfortune. And that’s something that he will always love.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

pancakes and presents 

Ao3 | 1k words | Rated: General Audience | Grace/Judd domestic fluff

Summary: “Can’t a man make his beautiful pregnant wife breakfast in bed, especially now that she no longer has morning sickness, with no ulterior motives?” Is the response she gets, which she would take at face value had he not ended that statement the way that he did, eyes still alight, looking as though he had a poorly concealed secret. She didn’t say anything, instead leveling him with an expectant look, knowing that he couldn’t resist it.  

Just a cute little moment between Grace and Judd for Day 17 of flufftober: Domestic fluff @flufftober2021

Grace awoke with a smile as she felt the bed dipping beside her as her husband leaned over her, the gentle touch of his hand pressed to her growing belly as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. It was warm, The warmth of the morning sun seeping through the gaps around the edges of the blind.

Blinking the sleep out of her eyes, she found Judd peering down, mouth soft, a smile playing on his lips and looking as if he had been awake for some time, unusual for a Sunday morning. She knew when his day off fell on a weekend, he took advantage of it, taking his time in the morning, never eager to leave the bed in a hurry. And yet here he was still in his pajamas, coffee on his breath with a  barest of smudges of flour on his cheek.

“Morning,” he said in hushed tones, as he brushed a freed curl from her head wrap away off her forehead still leaning over her with an almost unbearably soft look in his eye.

“Good morning,” she responded, slightly bemused. Judd was looking as though he knew a secret that only he knew about and so desperately wanted to tell her. Grace reached up, palming Judd’s cheek in her hand brushing her thumb across the crest of his cheekbone, “What’s gotten you up so early on this fine Sunday morning.”

He leaned down again, this time to press a gentle, chaste kiss to her lips, before pulling back with a smile, “I have a surprise for you.”

Judd shuffled off his side of the bed and held up a finger, as he stepped out of the room. Grace couldn’t help but sit up awkwardly at his clear excitement, curiosity piqued, and resituated the pillows around her to lean up against.

He returned a moment later balancing a decadent spread of pancakes with a variety of toppings and fruit along with some juice. The balancing act however involved the vase holding a mixed bouquet of flowers also poised on the breakfast tray that he as he made his way around the bed and placing the tray on her lap before moving the vase to the bedside table.

Unable to suppress the smile brought forth by the breakfast before her, “What is all this, my love?”

“Can’t a man make his beautiful pregnant wife breakfast in bed, especially now that she no longer has morning sickness, with no ulterior motives?” Is the response she gets, which she would take at face value had he not ended that statement the way that he did, eyes still alight, looking as though he had a poorly concealed secret. She didn’t say anything, instead leveling him with an expectant look, knowing that he couldn’t resist it.  

Judd caved instantly and he returned to his side of the bed and sat down before bending down to pick up something from the floor. He kept whatever he picked up concealed by the bulk of his body in front of him until he rolled over, lying on his side with his legs crossed and propped up with his chin on his hand as he presented the mysterious object.

With a mixture of confusion and bemusement playing on her mind, she gave him a look with a cocked head before taking the ribbon-wrapped present. With care, she released the ribbon, and carefully peeled back the sticky tape holding down the beautiful flower patterned gift wrap, eventually revealing what looked to be the back of a scrapbook or photo album. She spared him a glance.

“Turn it over,” he prompted softly.

When she did, all she could manage was a small gasp of his name as she reverently brushed her fingertips over the image indented into the soft yellow cover. It was a picture of one of their more recent sonographs, one showing the clear outline of their growing baby.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Gracie.” He said quietly, leaning in to kiss the tip of her shoulder as she opened it to reveal the small collection of all their ultrasounds, each marked with the week and the date.  

Turning to look at him, she pressed a palm against his cheek eyes misting slightly, “Our child isn’t even born yet, and you’re already doing this…” she trailed off not really knowing where she was going with that thought.

“You’ve been a mother ever since we knew about this little one,” he said as he placed a gentle hand on her belly, “it only felt right.”

It was moments like these where she thinks ‘how could I love this man more than I already do.’ And then he does something like this, and she finds herself loving him even more.“ Oh you sentimental cowboy, I love you so much.”  

“Love you always.”

When she did all she could manage was a small gasp of his name as she reverently brushed her fingertips over the image indented into the soft yellow cover. It was a picture of one of their more recent sonographs, one showing the clear outline of their growing baby.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Gracie.” He said quietly, leaning in to kiss the tip of her shoulder as she opened it to reveal the small collection of all their ultrasounds, each marked with the week and the date. It’s moments like these where she thinks ‘how could I love this man more than I already do.’ And then he does something like this, and she finds herself loving him even more.  

Turning to look at him, she pressed a palm against his cheek eyes misting slightly, “Our child isn’t even born yet, and you’re already doing this…” she trailed off not really knowing where she was going with that thought.

“You’ve been a mother ever since we knew about this little one,” he said as he placed a gentle hand on her belly, “it only felt right.”

“Oh you sentimental cowboy, I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

And when their baby is finally born, the scrapbook would begin to fill with all their loving moments and milestones, including every and all Mother’s and Father’s days.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Nights Like These

Ao3 | 1.3k | Rated: Gen | Domestic Fluff

Summary Carlos has had a long week of long shifts, leaving him exhausted, but at least he has TK to come home to.

It’s not often that TK gets home before him, but it happens from time to time and it makes Carlos warm inside with the sense of how much a home it feels like when he is. Before TK it hadn’t ever gotten to that point in any of his previous relationships, and now he couldn’t imagine anything better.

On this night in particular, however, he couldn’t enjoy it nearly as much as he wanted to, arriving much later than he was mean to. Stepping inside he could smell the dissipating smell of what he knows to be lemon chicken as he toes off his shoes at the door.

Dropping his keys on the coffee table, he lets out what he knows to be an overly dramatic groan in an attempt to vent his exhaustion through sound alone and collapses on the sofa, slinging an arm over his eyes as he lies across it.

The exhaustion being due to the fact there were two people out sick and another was on paternity leave, leaving him and some others stepping in to pick up the extra shifts.

Unperturbed by the lack of greeting, TK questions from the kitchen sink with an air of understanding, “Bad day?”

“Long day.” He supplies with a sigh; bone-weary from his shift.

He listens for a response, not bothering to move his arm from his eyes, but only hears a hum from TK as the sound of clattering of dishes in the sink ceased before the sound of the fridge being opened.

“Hungry? There’s dinner in the fridge with your name on it,” called TK lightly.

Even though he hadn’t had much much to eat throughout the day since having a wrap for lunch some 10 hours earlier, Carlos’s stomach didn’t even grumble at the mention of food.

“As much as I would love to eat what you’ve cooked, I think I’m past hungry at this point.” He responds with a grimace, knowing that he was looking forward to it earlier in the day and hating that he couldn’t summon the energy to eat it knowing that TK had as much of a long shift as he had and still cooked for them despite it.  

He gets a sound of understanding from TK but no further commentary, leaving him to almost fall into a slumber listening to the muted sounds coming from the direction of the kitchen before he registers the kitchen noises had stopped and the quiet padding of footsteps grew closer. They come to a stop near his head and he hears the quiet slosh of liquid in a bottle and the rustling of clothes before a chilled ceramic bowl is placed on his stomach.

Peering out from beneath the crook of his elbow, he cranes his neck to look down at the bowl and quirks his eyebrow when he finds it to be filled with frosty, frozen blueberries, one of his favourite fruits. One that he converted TK to liking and now they buy multiple punnets at a time, freezing half of the fresh fruit for snacking purposes on hot days like today.

TK propped his chin on his hand and elbow on his knee from his position squatting next to Carlos’s head as he smirked down at him fondly and drops his free hand to brush away the loose curls on his forehead, lightly grazing the skin above his eyebrow with his thumb.

“You still need to eat something.” TK proffered gently before he could think to ask the question.

Carlos drops his arm completely when he turns his head to the side to properly look over to the crouched form of TK with an appreciative smile, “Thank you.”

From his position, TK twists and picks up the remote from the coffee table and turns on the TV, switching it over to Netflix before placing it in Carlos’s hand and points out that there is a water bottle on the floor beside him. Carlos watches as he stands up and moves back to the kitchen sink and finishes washing what was left.

As he scrolls through the shows trying to find something easy to watch that didn’t require much attention, Carlos starts to graze on the frozen blueberries and had just settled on Nailed It! when TK re-joins him, smelling faintly of the new citrus dish soap they had just bought.

Carlos lifts his head with mild curiosity as TK lifts his lower legs and takes a seat on the couch beneath them, settling them atop his thighs.

“TK, it's late. You should go to bed,” he says after looking at the clock and seeing it coming up on midnight, knowing that after the day he’s had it was going to take a good long while for him to decompress enough to consider going to bed himself.

To his surprise, TK just shrugs, unconcerned, and pushes up his pant legs to his knees before starting to gently knead his calves instead, “I’m not tired.”

“Ty, I know for a fact that you’ve been on your feet for the better part of 12 hours,” presses Carlos, recalling all the small complaints he got from his boyfriend in his texts about the non-stop calls he had. He didn’t want him to stay up just for his sake.

“I had a nap before you got home and I’m off shift tomorrow, Carlos, I’m fine… just let me do this,” TK says gently but firmly leaving no room for discussion despite the fact that he was stifling a yawn.

Carlos just shakes his head fondly and drops his head back onto the pillow and tunes back into the show as he resumes snacking, rolling onto his side so he wouldn’t get a kink in his neck from looking sideways.

He finds himself relaxing more quickly than he expected to as he sunk more heavily into the upholstery of the couch under TK’s steady ministrations and by the time, the end of the second episode credits started rolling, Carlos could barely keep his eyes open. The continuous massage that TK had been giving his legs and feet lulling him into a haze of comfort.

He almost doesn’t register when TK reached over to claim the remote and stops the show before it auto-plays the next episode and turned it off. He does however groan in complaint when TK stops massaging his legs and eases out from beneath them and moves the now empty bowl and water bottle to the kitchen before shutting off the lights.

When he returns, TK tugs at his arms and pulls him up, “I know you won’t be happy in the morning if I leave you to sleep on the couch, so, come on, the bed is waiting for us.”

He lets TK manoeuvre him up the stairs, keeping a supportive hand across his back to be sure he makes it to the top safely and they move to the bedroom. He doesn’t get far, falling bonelessly on his belly onto the made covers, while the idea of brushing his teeth to rid himself of the tiny bits of blueberry stuck in his molars falls away to become a thing to do in the morning because there was no way he was moving now from the bliss of finally being in bed.

TK does, however, brush his teeth, and returns a few minutes later to start pulling the bedsheets from beneath the dead weight of his body. He helps with little effort, shifting enough that eventually it is laid over the top of him with TK slotting himself on his side next to him, head resting against the tip of his shoulder and an arm slung loosely across his back coupled with a leg slung over his thigh, effectively cocooning him in love and comfort without it needing to be said.

That’s the last thing he remembers before he falls asleep. It may have been a long day, but he knows, schedules permitting, he’ll have nights like these where TK is there to give him what he needs even if he doesn’t know he needs it. And that something that he’ll always be grateful for.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Keeping the line open 

Ao3 | 3.2k | Rated: Gen | Tarlos 

Summary  Carlos hated this. Hated how he made TK feel. Hated how he felt himself. It was eating him up inside to know that he was the cause of this whole situation. It’s not like he and TK hadn’t had any arguments before, they had a number of them before they had figured out what they were and what they meant to each other at the beginning of their relationship. ~ aka Carlos's perspective in the aftermath of the fight in 2x04 and all that followed when TK returned.

For @911lonestarangstweek : Day 3 fix-it/Coda

Carlos hated this.

Hated how he made TK feel. Hated how he felt himself. It was eating him up inside to know that he was the cause of this whole situation. It’s not like he and TK hadn’t had any arguments before, they had a number of them before they had figured out what they were and what they meant to each other at the beginning of their relationship.

But this one had a finality to it.

“I freed some more space in your closet. Carlos.”

That’s what TK had said, and Carlos wasn’t sure where that left them.Was that a break-up? It kind of felt like it was, and that made it even worse. Because he didn’t know for sure if it actually was a break-up, or if TK just said it in the heat of the moment but didn’t actually mean anything by it.

Carlos’ stomach roiled at the mere recollection, just the thought of it left him feeling like he was in relationship limbo again, a place he thought he would never be in again since they got together, the day aurora borealis lit the sky. He groaned as he lay in bed, hearing the words repeat over and over again, effectively ruining any chance he had of getting any sleep. Unable to push it from his mind, Carlos tried calling him once but was sent straight to voicemail and followed it up with a text asking him, almost pleading for TK to call him back, hopeful to just be able to talk to him and explain everything. He wondered how TK was, hoped that he was okay, that he made it home to his parents safely. All he could think about was his concern for TK’s welfare and how much he had royally screwed up.

The rest of his night was a sleepless one. One spent in the kitchen, in an attempt to calm his mind with the structure that a recipe would give him, making sweet, chocolate-filled empanadas, something that he learned to make for late-night study sessions in college. It was a calming balm to his turbulent mind. helped it to push aside the frenetic feeling of anxiety over one pissy fight that ended leaving him feeling like it was the end of the world, of their relationship, even if, realistically, it probably wasn’t.

This is not how he wanted things to go. It was not the way he wanted the first meeting between his parents and his boyfriend to happen. The one boyfriend that he actually felt confident in introducing to his parents. He had a plan. One that involved preparing both parties before they officially met over a nice home-cooked meal, not some chance meeting that left him panicking and lying and hurting the man that practically owns his heart.

He hated that he was the cause of this argument, this fight, and the reason for disturbing their bubble of bliss of just being together and loving one another freely. The last thing he wanted was to upset his boyfriend. To blindside him without giving him any forewarning about his past, about his family, to give him all the facts of what he was walking into of the relationship, especially considering how forthcoming TK had been in the past.

When TK asked him about his parents he shouldn’t have evaded the question. It was a topic that he would’ve had to have faced at some point if he was going to make the plan a reality anytime in the near future, like how he’s imagined it so many times. Why didn’t he just tell TK his history with his parents when he asked about them? It’s a question that spun around and around in his head since TK had walked out the door. And he knew the answer, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself.

Carlos had always prided himself in being comfortable with who he was. Self-assured and confidant, a calming presence for the people that needed it. He buried that insecurity surrounding his sexuality and his parents beneath that persona and didn’t want to bring it to light again. Didn’t want to confront his parents and really get them to understand and see him and his sexuality completely. Didn’t want his openness in front of them to potentially compromise the love and acceptance he got when he first came out.

He knew he shouldn’t have made light of the situation by trying to crack jokes, knowing as soon as he started that TK wasn’t going to appreciate his effort to de-escalate the situation with ill-timed jokes, but it was the only defense he had. He hadn’t wanted to lay himself bare and be completely truthful because deep down he was insecure, a feeling that he hid not just from others but also himself. He was afraid of being exposed because deep down he was afraid that it would be a repeat of the last time he was truly vulnerable when he had come out to his parents.

This was all he thought about for most of the day, leaving him exhausted and distracted through most of his shift, but acting as though he was fine when really he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He didn’t linger once his shift ended like he usually would, not feeling up to pretending that he was okay. Pretending that the finality of his argument with TK didn’t hurt, because it did, Carlos had thought that TK was going to be the one. The first one to introduce to his parents when the time was right. He had thought that he had more time. He knew his mind was spiralling to the worst-case scenario, and logically he knew that TK would talk to him eventually, but logic was not enough to quell the feeling of dread surrounding their relationship.

He didn’t call or text all day, wanting to give TK the space that he clearly wanted and when he got home, he tried to distract himself further by doing a load of laundry, which didn’t just include his clothes, but TK’s as well. The washing didn’t really distract as he hoped though, still finding himself gravitating back to his phone hoping that TK might have messaged or called with a change of heart. None came through and it left him feeling somewhat hopeless to think that might change. He’s had breakups before, but none have come close to what he was feeling. And that meant something. Because he saw a future with TK, something that he’s never entertained with past relationships.

Eventually, he collapsed on the couch in his sweatpants in a perpetual state of turmoil and regret, lamenting over how all of this could have been avoided if he had just been honest in the first place. His resolve was cracking now that he wasn’t occupied and it left him with his thumb hovering over TK’s name in his contacts with a strong want to break the deafening silence between them and just get the relief of hearing TK’s voice. Somehow he managed to refrain from doing so, now wanting to give away his desperation in a series of texts or calls.

He startled an hour later when someone knocked at the door while he was on his way to check on the laundry that had just finished its cycle to put in the dryer. Curious, having not had any messages from anyone else to say they were stopping by he peers through the window beside the door to discover a familiar silhouette, causing his hands to sweat anxiously.

With hesitation, he opened the door wide before drawing it back in, apprehensive of the fact that TK chose not to use his key and what that meant. “Hey,” he said quietly suddenly feeling nervous, seeing the seriousness in TK’s face.

“Hi,” answered TK, just as softly, “Can I come in?”  

“You’ve got a key.”

“Yeah, I thought, maybe you might want that back.”

“Why? Are we breaking up?” He asked and then continued, suddenly feeling fed up and not wanting to beat around the bush anymore, “Or did that already happen because it kinda felt like it did.”

“No,” TK said quickly before following it up with a hesitant, “I mean, I hope not.”

“Come in.” He gestured inside and stepped out of the way.

Trying not to be confrontational, he stayed by the door after he closed it with his hand in his pockets and waited as TK led the conversation, interjecting when TK said that he had acted like a little bitch, which he didn’t, he had made some valid points even if he had been a little dramatic about it. Carlos was slightly taken aback however when TK said he wasn’t sorry, and found his phrasing characteristically confusing, a typical occurrence when he wasn’t sure how exactly to get across the point he was trying to make.

“… do you know what I mean?”

“Not really.”

He didn’t say anything more, allowing for TK to take a different tact as he relocated to ottoman making it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, and explained what he meant. TK was being completely open and honest about how the day before had made him feel, a sight different from how cagey he used to be when they first met.

“It kills me,” he admitted after TK had said his piece and he finally moved from his spot and sat in front of TK, relieved that TK was clearly willing to hear him out, “Which is exactly why I was avoiding introducing you because I didn’t want that to happen and I- I knew it would.”

“Yeah, but did it have to? They knew you were gay.” He could see that TK was trying to understand, trying to make sense of what he was saying with the limited knowledge of what he knew so far.

“They know, yes.” He said quickly. Trying to find the right words, he took a deep breath, feeling the floodgates lift as he tells TK everything that he’s withheld up until now, wringing his hands as he does so.

“I came out to them when I was seventeen. They were shocked. I- I knew it rocked their world, but they hugged me and told me they loved me and that was that. Do you know what we talked about the next morning? Hmm? The Astros bullpen, the price of unleaded, a new calf in our family ranch. Not one mention of what I shared… then or… since.”

“They seemed like such nice people.”

“They are nice people,” he corrected TK, “But, they’re not perfect people.”

“You know, my parents may be very queer-friendly, but they’re not perfect either,” TK offered, Carlos thinks as a way to help him feel better, “They just gave me a pep talk, that felt like it was more about them than about me.”

Carlos could feel his nerves settling, having unburdened himself and having TK listen and hear the words that he had, up until this point, left unspoken through his avoidance of the topic while also offering a piece of his own upbringing to allay any residual discomfort he had over this conversation.

“That explains a lot,” he says amused, finding the stress slowly melting away.  

TK continued, “There was something that my mom did say though. She said… that I felt triggered because I didn’t feel safe in this relationship.” Carlos broke eye contact with TK as he felt his heart plummet to the floor.

“I see. I’m sorry to hear that.” He said, doing his best to keep his voice steady,  trying to swallow the emotions caught in his throat and wondering if this might actually be it for them after all that, but TK continued speaking, instantly brushing away the anxiety that had spiked within him.

“But you know what I didn’t consider? Is how unsafe you feel and have felt for so much of your life.”

Carlos’s breath caught in his throat as he looked up at TK in wonder, he didn’t expect to feel quite so seen and understood that it left him breathless with his eyes reflexively watering in relief. He could feel the knot in his stomach loosen at that thought as TK slotted his hands into his own, taking a firm and reassuring grip.

“I want you to know that I am fully on board. You can tell your parents I am your friend, your colleague, your personal shopper...” That last one made Carlos laugh considering how that must have looked to his parents at the market, “…I don’t care. Okay? As long as you need.”

As much as he loved knowing how willing TK was to stay by his side regardless of their situation, there was something he had to know and it hurt him to even ask but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to TK if he didn’t, “And if it never changes?” He couldn’t keep the vulnerability from his voice and felt completely at TK’s mercy, knowing that what he says next could very well influence the rest of their relationship, if TK felt he wouldn’t be able to withstand the possibility of being indefinitely his ‘friend from work’ in the eyes of his parents.

“Nothing ever stays the same, Carlos.”

He doesn’t know what to say to that, so he doesn’t and that seemed alright with TK. Instead, he draws TK’s hands held in his grasp and gently holds them to his lips as he shuts his eyes in gratitude. He stays like that, breathing in deep and soothingly, sensing as TK drew himself in closer and felt the touch of his lips pressed against his bowed forehead.

“We’ve unpacked a lot tonight.” TK murmurs into his temple when his lips broke contact, “How about I order us some of your favourite food from that restaurant you like, and we can just curl up on the couch and watch a movie?”

“I’d like that.” Carlos breathed out, any residual tension in his body leaving him as he does so, feeling the weight of the world lift from his shoulders. He opened his eyes and released TK’s hands, shaking himself out of the moment, remembering that he was heading to the laundry when TK had turned up.

“I- ah I just need to move washing to the dryer if either of us are going to have any clothes for work tomorrow.”

TK stood up with him and moved in the opposite direction, heading towards the door leaving Carlos to follow him with his eyes questioningly. “TK?”

TK turned with his hand on the door, a bashful look flushing his face, “I left my phone in my bag outside-- I knew you wanted to talk but I wasn’t sure you actually wanted to see me,” TK opened the door and picked up his duffle, the same one he walked out with the previous night, “…couldn’t bring myself to unpack it.”

Carlos chuckled lightly from where he was standing, shaking his head in amused disbelief. “You couldn’t bring yourself to unpack your bag, and I couldn’t even bring myself to passive-aggressively wash only my clothes that were in the hamper, we’re both hopeless.” He said before disappearing in the direction of the laundry room, leaving TK to order dinner.

When he returned TK was already on the couch, elbows propped on knees as he finished up making their dinner order, one that he seemed to have rote learned from the few times that they’d had it. Dropping his phone to the side as the order went through, TK invited with an outstretched arm for him to settle in as he picked up the remote, “dinner should be here in 30 minutes.”

Carlos fell into TK’s open arms and easily positions himself partially lying across his lap with his back resting against his chest leaving TK to wrap his arms around his torso as he proceeded to pick a movie. He relaxed into the embrace, comforted but the slow rise and fall of TK’s chest against his back.

Carlos waited until the opening credits started on the movie that they watched at least half a dozen times and kissed the inside of TK’s bicep before saying, “We have dessert for tonight. I ended up making chocolate empanadas in the middle of the night and stress ate too many to count because I couldn’t sleep at all last night.”

He felt TK shift beneath him, “I barely slept either.”

Carlos continued, “I’m glad you came back. With the way that you left, I wasn’t sure that you would. I had built it up in my head with all the things I should have done differently to the point that I thought this was an irreparable deal-breaker.”

“Carlos, I was always going to come back, you have to know that--” TK said, conviction clear in his voice, causing Carlos to sit up, propped up on his arms to look at him properly, “--I know I said I wasn’t sorry, but I am-- for making you feel like that. I just needed time to process it all.”

“I know and I get that now. And I’m sorry too, for putting you in that situation in the first place, this wasn’t the way that I planned on introducing you to my parents.”

His admittance erased the guilt swimming in TK’s eyes and brought forth its usual mischievous sparkle in its place, “Oh, so there was a plan?”

“Uh-huh.”  He responded mirthfully with a smirk, not giving much away, and returned to his original position, finding TK’s arms circle him more tightly and felt his chin rest lightly on the crown of his head. The was a beat or two before he spoke again, “TK?”

“Yeah?”

He placed a hand over TK’s, “I don’t want to fight like that again. I hated the silence and not being able to just talk to you.”

“I hated it too,” TK murmured into his hair and there was a quiet moment between them.

“What if… what if we make it so that it doesn’t happen like that again?”

“What are you thinking?”

Carlos paused for a second, gathering his thoughts, “We need to be able to communicate, to be open and honest about a problem with each other, even if it’s to say that we might not be ready to talk about it, just, you know, acknowledge it for a later conversation?”

“Keeping the line open to one another.” TK summarised thoughtfully.

“Yeah,”

“Okay. I like the sound of that.” TK responded softly and sealed it with a kiss into his hair.

The rest of the evening was spent comfortably, how it should have been the night before, eating dinner together on the couch, reciting their favourite parts of what was left of the movie, wrapped up with one another.

They finished off what was left of the empanadas and eventually fell into bed in exhaustion, completely stuffed and at peace, no longer anxious or upset as they were the previous night. If they were slightly more clingy than usual, well neither of them were going to say anything about it because they still had each other and that was what mattered.

The last words spoken by both of them, just like every other night, was a promise and a quiet declaration of “I love you”, sealed with a good night’s kiss.

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Would you Rescue Me?

Ao3 | 1.7k | Rated: Mature | Song-fic: Rescue Me by OneRepublic  References Buck Begins; callback to ep Merry Ex Mas with Maddie’s flashback about Doug and the christmas tree trigger warning: Referenced domestic violence/abuse

Summary What if when Maddie decided to leave Doug, instead of in the show when she just showed up at his apartment without any warning, she calls Buck and asks if she can come to him in hopes that he can be her escape even after not speaking for 3 years.

We don't talk much, not anymore Broken bottles and slammin' doors But we still care about each other Say we care about each other I know life took us far away But I still dream 'bout the good old days When we took care of each other We were livin' for each other

When she’s alone, Maddie stares at the postcards wondering what could have been. When things are at their worst with Doug she looks at the first one Buck ever sent, the one from Georgia. The one where he said that he mostly forgave her for not coming with him and leaving Hershey and Doug for good.

She felt awful leaving him that note that day, doing the exact thing that he said that she should do for Doug. Hated herself for it. Hated that Doug had such a tight hold on her life. Deep down she knows that Evan had forgiven her, because why else would he continue to send postcards if he didn’t. So, she clung to those written words of forgiveness because they were the only hope, the only beacon of freedom that she could see.

The number of times she picked up the phone and dialled in his number over the years, just wanting to hear his voice. Hoping that he would hear the things that she didn’t or couldn’t say. But she didn’t, not wanting to drag Buck back home, to a place he didn’t want to be, into the mess of her life.

She wished she had told him that day he came to her after crashing his bike asking to come live with her, told him what was really going on. Wished she had been braver, wished she said more in that note. Wished she had listened to him when he said he didn’t like Doug back when he was just her boyfriend. Maybe then she wouldn’t be in the position that is she’s in now.

Maddie hates how much distance was between them now, that she couldn’t take her own advice and run. It had been three years since he left to find himself in the world. Three years since they saw each other’s faces. Three years since they had spoken to each other.

And now it’s Christmas and all she wants is him as she patches up her latest set of wounds in the bathroom. Disinfecting and covering the broken skin while staring at that first postcard and the most recent one from his fire station, imagining the person he has become.

It’s only after she heard the quiet click of the front door and the ignition of the car engine does she venture from the safety of the bathroom, postcards clutched in hand.

Feeling a moment of bravery, she searches out her phone, a cheap prepaid one that Doug didn’t know about that was bought with cash. Maddie dials the number that she has so many times before and hits the call button for the first time in as many years.

It rings and rings; so long that she wonders if he would ever pick up.

And then he does.

“Hello, Buck speaking.”

And she resists the urge to hang up there and then.

“Hello?”

“Evan,” it’s all that she’s able to utter.

“Maddie? Is that you?”

Maddie could feel the tears forming, blurring her vision over just hearing his voice again.

“Yeah Buck, it's me.” She hated how small her voice sounded.

“Are you okay? You sound strange.”  Just hearing the concern in his voice, causes the tears to spill and she could feel her voice thicken with emotion.

“Remember when you said that I should just leave a note and work out the rest when I don’t come home?” Maddie says as she wipes away the tears trailing down and stinging the cuts on her cheek.

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I think- I think I’m going to leave that note now.”

Closing her eyes, Maddie grimaces as her stomach clenches at the thought of upsetting Doug further, of what he would do if she did, but Maddie knew that deep down that she couldn’t take it anymore. She was at the end of her tether and all she can do is hope that Buck will there to catch her when she lets go of it.

Maybe it was the tremble in her voice that he could hear or the fact that Buck could just hear what she wasn’t saying, because Buck’s response had a sense of urgency to it now and she couldn’t help but love him more in that moment, “Did you want me to come to you? I can- I can book a flight right now and be there in like 8 hours.”

“No. No, you don’t need to do that. I- um, I’ll come to you? See how bright that LA sunshine is?”

“Okay. Let me know how you’re getting here, and I’ll meet you. I’ll meet you wherever you need me to.”

The knot in her stomach loosened slightly in relief and with a hitched breath, all Maddie could think of saying was, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Maddie. I love you, stay safe.”

Maddie bided her time, waiting until the next morning when Doug left early to go to work. And then she left. Dragging two suitcases that held everything that was important to her behind her. She left behind anything that could be traced by Doug, withdrew what cash she could and made her way to LA.

She was exhausted by the time she got there, anxious, and constantly looking over her shoulder the whole time half expecting to see Doug’s calmly furious face trailing her. When she saw Buck waiting for her, she all but collapsed into the comfort of his arms, cocooned by his warmth.

It felt like a millennium since she last saw him, and yet it didn’t feel like any time had passed at all. He still felt like the Evan she knew, more filled out and sturdy, but her brother, nonetheless. Eventually pulling back out of the embrace, she surveys him properly and doesn’t see that lost kid anymore but a young man who looks like he finally found his place in the world.

“Welcome to LA Maddie.” He says with an easy grin, but it did nothing to mask the worry in his eyes as he catalogues the visible injuries.

They talk about everything and nothing, avoiding the elephant in the room as they get reacquainted on the drive to his apartment. His girlfriend’s place. The most serious relationship that he’s ever talked about before, and it makes her so proud to hear it.

Eventually, they do run out of things to talk about, sitting on the couch with stomachs full of a dinner he cooked, a bottle of wine shared between them. It's then that the atmosphere of the room becomes sombre, with Buck unable to ignore the reason that she was here with him, injuries on display.

Buck’s hand travels to her face and stops under her ear, cupping her jawline as his thumb gently runs along the fine cuts on her cheek, not unlike the way Doug did not even a day ago and it makes her heart race, frozen for a moment by that familiar action alone.

Remembering that it was Evan and not Doug sitting next to her, Maddie puts her hand over his and pulls it from her face not wanting to compare them in that way, even if there was a vastly different feel to the action. It's only then could she look him in the eye.

His face has always been an open book to her, full of life and expression and this time was no different. She could see the sadness clear as day and it broke her heart to know that she was the cause of it.  

“I’m sorry.”

Maddie shakes her head and places a forgiving hand on his knee, “It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known how bad it was.”

“But I knew something was wrong, I knew it back when I was a kid. I should have stayed and tried harder to get you away from him.”

“I didn’t want you to know. Didn’t want to bring my little brother into this.”

“I know you didn’t, but I still wish I did more,” he insisted.

There was only so much that she could say without the conversation going around in circles with her attempting to make him see that there was nothing to forgive. So, instead, Maddie just nods and squeezes his knee in appreciation to which he smiles a soft sad smile in response.

Buck drops his hand over hers and takes her hand in his, inspecting the small cuts on her palm from when she crawled on the broken ornaments, his face turning serious.

“Maddie…  Would Doug have any idea that you’d come to LA to see me?”

“No, he doesn’t know that you live here—”

“That’s good.”

She continues “—But I’m not going to stay long though; he could figure it out if he tried hard enough.”

His gaze softens when he turns his attention back to her and looks her in the eyes with an earnest expression. “Stay with me. You’re safe here, with me, safer than if you go off by yourself. Just… let me be the one to look out for you for a change, okay?”

It’s not until he says the words, does she feel it, believes it to be true. The first time in a long time that she actually felt safe. Maybe this is the fresh start that she needed, maybe everything will be okay. Now that she has her brother by her side again, everything seems possible. She’s not sure what she would have done if she didn’t have her little brother to turn to with the knowledge that there would be no judgement from him, unlike their parents.

With her face streaked with tears of relief and gratitude, she sticks her pinkie finger out to her brother and says in her way of agreement, “You and me against the world.”

With the smallest of smirks at the phrase, Buck curls his little finger around hers, “You and me in the world.”

Would you rescue me? Would you get my back? Would you take my call when I start to crack? Would you rescue me? Uh Would you rescue me? Would you rescue me when I'm by myself? When I need your love, if I need your help Would you rescue me? Uh Would you rescue me?