#but unfortunately i am so it is much harder
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heart is beating heavily
(buddie) (s8 spec) (1k) several people asked for more of this town is only gonna eat you so this is that. unfortunately i am still feeling evil, so please enjoy buck's pov of the same events :) btw the title of both of these fics comes from the song bloody shirt by to kill a king, which i played on repeat while writing these cw: mass shooting / gun violence
Buck’s breath leaves him in a sharp exhale when he hits the ground. It hurts, but not—not where it should. His chest, his back, they’re on fire. His head, though, as violently as he was thrown to the ground, never makes contact with the cement.
The only thing he can see now is Eddie. Eddie, hovering above him, eyes wild. He looks—cornered. Trapped. Only he’s the one pressing Buck into the sticky floor of the arena, not the other way around, and he doesn’t understand why.
“Eds,” he tries to say, but it comes out as more of a croak.
Eddie shakes his head sharply, almost—
Panicked.
Buck takes a breath and it hurts. His thoughts feel sluggish in a way they never really are. He tries to take stock of what he knows anyway.
His body is screaming in pain.
Eddie is afraid. (Why is Eddie afraid? What could possibly—)
They’re on the floor. (Eddie pushed him to the floor. Why would he—)
The space around them is filled with a cacophonous noise that Buck can’t quite identify.
Pain. Fear. Sharp popping noises that make Buck’s ears hurt, and—
Screaming.
Oh.
Buck presses his lips together and tips his chin toward his chest in an approximation of a nod. Eddie exhales, warm against his cheek. His face does something complicated, and then—
I’m sorry, Eddie mouths, and before Buck can figure out what for, white hot pain lances through his chest.
In his mind he screams.
In reality, he bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood. They’re in danger, and he won’t—As long as he’s still breathing, Eddie won’t leave him here. Even if he should. He won’t protect himself, won’t run, won’t hide. The least Buck can do is keep from drawing attention toward them, but in the moment, it feels like the hardest thing he’s ever done.
“—so good,” Eddie breathes into his ear. “I got you; I promise.”
Buck wants to believe that almost as much as he wishes Eddie would just save himself. Every breath he takes is harder than the one before, though, and it occurs to him that soon, he might draw his last. If he has to die, Eddie’s face is a pretty incredible last thing to see. He just wishes it wasn’t twisted in pain and fear.
It takes a minute for Buck to catch up with his own thoughts. Pain. That’s—he’s seen it in Eddie’s expression enough times to know it intimately. Why is he in pain? Eddie presses his cheek to Buck’s before he can interrogate the expression further.
“Slow, steady breaths, okay? You have to breathe through it, even if it feels like you can’t.”
The scrape of Eddie’s jaw against his sends something like a shiver down Buck’s spine. There’s something—something important, but—it feels just out of reach.
“You have to, Buck, I can’t—I just need you to hold on,” Eddie whispers, quietly wrecked.
He’s trying. God is he trying. But it’s—every breath feels like pulling fire into his lungs. With every exhale, he feels a tiny bit weaker, a tiny bit worse. Eddie pulls away slightly, and Buck feels the absence like a missing rib.
“Hear that?” Eddie asks, brushing a thumb across Buck’s cheekbone.
He doesn’t—he doesn’t hear anything other than Eddie, but he’s not sure he wants to.
“We’re so close, Buck.”
Something settles in his chest at the sound of his name on Eddie’s lips, louder than before, drenched in something that sounds like relief. He blinks once, twice, slow and heavy.
“Come on, eyes on me,” Eddie says sharply. And—oh, when did he get so far away?
Eddie pulls the hem of his shirt to his teeth and—oh god. That’s not Buck’s blood. He’s—Eddie’s hurt too, but Buck can’t make his mouth work, can’t even keep his eyes open long enough to—
“No!” Eddie commands. A new pain accompanies his voice. “You’re staying right here with me, got it?”
He has to—has to tell Eddie—he doesn’t—
“That’s perfect, you’re perfect,” Eddie says, eyes shining.
A lump forms in his throat.
“Just keep—c’mon Buck, just keep fighting. I need—you have to be okay.”
He does. He does have to be okay because Eddie’s not and he’s acting like he doesn’t even know.
“Hurt,” Buck forces out.
“I know,” Eddie says, but he doesn’t! “I know it hurts, I’m sorry.”
Buck lets out a frustrated groan. He tries to shake his head, and when that fails, to lift his hand to Eddie’s abdomen.
Eddie turns away from him, and if Buck could scream now, he would.
“Alright,” he says, turning back to Buck. “I’m going to get you onto that gurney. Let me do all the work, okay?”
No! No he can’t! Buck tries to tell him again, tries to force anything through his lips that Eddie will understand. You’re—“hurt,” he manages again. He can’t even lift his hand now. He’s dying and he’s going to take Eddie with him.
Eddie says something he can’t parse, and suddenly he’s moving, being lifted dizzyingly high off the ground. He sees—
A body. A swarm of cops. Uniformed paramedics and EMTs running in every direction imaginable.
One of them, he just needs one of them to look at Eddie. He just needs one of them to see. He’s still walking, still talking. He still has time.
Eddie drops him onto what must be a gurney, and immediately it begins to roll. Buck allows his head to loll away from Eddie and towards—
An EMT! She can—she can do something. She can—
She’s not looking at him.
She’s not looking at Eddie either. She’s looking straight ahead and under any other circumstances Buck would compliment her for her pragmatic understanding of the urgency of the situation. But she’s walking too fast and Eddie’s beginning to stumble.
“Diaz, is that—” Yes, yes! Someone sees him. Someone else knows—
“—were you shot?”
Buck gets his head around just in time to watch Eddie collapse into the arms of a firefighter he doesn’t recognize.
He wants to scream, to sob, to thrash against the restraints keeping him on the gurney. He wants to—
Wants to—
Needs—
Eddie.
#hehehehehe#i might actually write a real resolution to this but for now i choose violence#cw gun violence#911fic#911 fic#buddiefic#buddie fic#911#buddie#fic#abbie writes
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Hiii pretties! Welcome to my blog!! Please keep things positive and stay slutty my friends!!!
~If you have any requests, please feel free to leave it in my inbox!!!~
Masterlist: The Watcher (Part One, Part Two, ...)
you can read the rest if you wanna like know more about me n shit ig
Hello!! I'm Kay, or K, kat, whatever you wanna call me. I'm literally just a girl. I am a freakkkk. I do be a bit of a stoner y'all, and I usually am high when I write, so if I make a mistake, I'm blaming that. I'm from the United States (unfortunately) and I only speak English. This is a safe place; I am always here if anyone wants to talk. I do not discriminate; I do not spread hate. I do not and will not tolerate hate or unkind behavior towards me or others here on my blog. Like seriously guys I have bad anxiety, so please be nice and don't make it harder for me.
This is pretty much solely for Outer Banks, Rafe Cameron to be more specific. But, feel free to talk to me about other things!
Other things I'm interested in/passionate about: Taylor Swift, veterinary medicine, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, The Walking Dead, 13 Reasons Why, Supernatural, Jurassic Park/World, Harry Potter, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games, comedy movies (Seth Rogen & James Franco). I love cold weather, books, and cats. Music is life and I listen to a little bit of everything so feel free to send songs.
I AM a student, so just keep in mind that I may be inactive because I’m in CLASS or doing work; because I will prioritize that over tumblr (well, i try). Other times I’m inactive because I am sleeping, or because I’m busy with LIFE. I am not tied to my tumblr and blog. I’ve had only positive experiences here so far, but I know that fanfic writers are often mistreated by readers, but guys we are all just people.
If you want me to hurry up and publish new work, don't tell me that, just interact with my blog and compliment my writing and that will motivate me more than anything else ever could. Also ASK AND REQUEST PLEASEEE!! I really enjoy and appreciate new ideas and feedback from other people's brains. I also appreciate constructive criticism. Don't be mean about it, but if you dislike or disagree with something, tell me politely. I like hearing feedback and am always working on improving my writing.
Seriously y'all, please please PLEASE do NOT be hateful. Do that on your own time, not here. I will not tolerate unnecessary attitude and hate. I believe in forgiveness, and I know that mistakes and misunderstandings happen. I will treat anyone and everyone with kindness and respect unless I have reason not to (really hoping I don't).
Who do I write for? I only write for Rafe Cameron. However, I'm not opposed to writing a little or sharing thoughts about other Outer Banks Characters!
What do I write? I will write literally almost anything. There’s no such thing as too much for me, so request away please. ------ As for darker topics, I will write them. Actually, a large portion of my work will include darker topics/themes/kinks, etc. I will write sensitive subjects too. But just because I live for that shit, doesn't mean everyone else does so I'll do my best to include warnings on all my work for any content that might potentially be triggering for others.
(Small warning: mentions of my mental struggles and self-destructive habits) I've always struggled mentally. I've always felt as though the way my brain works is different from everyone else; like something is wrong with me. But after many many years, I now have a better understanding of myself and how my brain works. Not to dump this on y'all, I swear I have a point, but I have diagnosed depression, anxiety, and ADHD. These things are all a big challenge I face in my day-to-day life and are often the leading cause of why I may take longer to write and publish things. I may take breaks, so don't worry if I'm not active, I will be back at some point. And I'll try my best to update you guys on when I'm gonna be less active or vice versa. Another way my mental health effects my writing is because when I write, a lot of the time my personal experiences or feelings will end up incorporated within my work, since well, it's all coming from my brain. I mostly write for myself to express my thoughts and feelings, having others read and actually enjoy my work is just an added bonus. But personally, I have struggled with self-harm for about one third of my life. I often get ideas for new works revolving around this theme and may publish things about it eventually. Themes such as mental illnesses, self-harm, abuse, insecurities, EDs, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy relationships (obv), toxic household, etc. will have a reoccurring appearance throughout my works. So just be prepared, I guess.
And like I said before, if anyone needs to talk, I am ALWAYS here and I am a very good listener.
Everyone is more than welcome to message me or leave anything in my inbox. Whether it's to chat, request something, ask something, literally whatever is welcome!! (Except hate I don't fw that)
Thank you for visiting my blog, I hope you enjoy! As always, be kind and stay slutty!
#rafesbabyg1rl#thewatcher#rafe cameron#drew starkey#outer banks#outer banks netflix#rafe cameron x reader#rafe x reader#rafe obx#outer banks fanfiction#outerbanks x reader
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Not beating the allegations.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#jiang cheng#su she#lan qiren#(I oscillated between writing a funny or a serious final comic for season 2 so hard I did both. Enjoy the funny bonus!)#Woah hey! Two characters we have not seen in a long time!#Su She hasn't been seen in 100 comics! Unfortunately LWJ has a taste for his blood. He has only moments left to live.#I honestly thought LQR died (adaption memory blur) and I did *not* expect him to show up here.#That said it does act as a way more personal blow to LWJ's reputation for LQR to be there.#By staying on WWX's side he's not only throwing his reputation to the wind but also facing familial judgment.#It hits so much harder when the choice isn't an easy one to make.#Choosing to stand at someone's side when they *have* actually messed up - when they do have faults and flaws - that's love.#Love is hard work! Love is not low maintenance and good days every day.#Love is being able to say 'I am choosing to bear your weight when things are heavy.' Love is doing that reciprocally.#Which is 100% a real life lesson I am passing on#And also a plea for why it is so important we give credit to WWX's atrocities.#He *did* do some of that shit. He isn't fully innocent and it gives LWJ's choice so much more weight.
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got plans to do a fry up and make pornstar martinis on thursday which truly is a cost of living crisis bottomless brunch
#we are supposedly increasing bottomless bookings at work but my hours are actually going down and we're just hiring new people#i was hoping the hour decrease would lead to other people quitting and i'd get more hours again#but i think i'm going to have to start looking for a new job again#which i am not looking forward to#they may be bad at giving me enough hours but they are great at equality act compliance#this would be much easier if i was not disabled#but unfortunately i am so it is much harder#also my current coworkers are nice and treat me like a normal person#which hasn't always been my experience#and management might not be giving me enough hours but they do treat me well despite that#like it could easily be so much worse#but it should definitely be better#ephemeriee.txt
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sorry if you've already mentioned but what (re?)ignited your love of comics/x-men/cherik? curious because there are so many different adaptations of them
i think im gonna speak for a few (or a lot of) people when i say that TL;DR the wolverine x deadpool movie that came out this summer is what pulled me back into comics and i COULD leave it there but i will go into excruciating and unnecessary detail instead because i love an origin story and i love oversharing.
under the cut tho because im nice sometimes (there's also wxdp doodles in here. if you want to see that)
ironically (and probably commonly), growing up i was more of an avengers kid. Kinda. Loosely <- binge watched the cartoons and movies and read copious amounts of comics and fics and i am hoarding fanart in my old dresser as we speak ok 'loosely' is a modest lie.
embarrassingly i remember getting into discus cause of captain america LMAO so yeah needless to say i was a Humble Fan- me joining my school's comic class/club didnt help either (shoutout to my teach from that she was the realest one out there for. A Multitude of reasons). she definitely is was inspires me to even draw still and make comics and i often think bout the tips i learned from her class tbh she was great
back to the movies t and comics tho, i got into em because my brother would offer to take me and that's how we'd hang out (i rarely saw movies in theaters and i even more rarely went anywhere as a teenager. still kinda like that today tbh ooops) and yk. it just snowballed after that.
my brother and i have always liked comics- he just more than me for a while (though he still very much loves comics and As We Know From My Posts we still talk about them whenever i see him To An Exhausting Degree)
durin then i was really into stony and i have a few surviving doodles i made but those are between me and god. and anyone who asks tbh LOL
'snap can you make this related to x-men again this is long' ok so fast forward to This Summer again I Still Don't Really See Movies but my brother offered to take me and this was the first time i'd actually seen an x-men movie in full
as a kid i only remember seeing the 'perfection' scene between erik and raven in first class while i was channel surfing. pretty sure i changed the channel after seeing mystique naked cause i was scared my parents would get mad at me if they caught me watching it LOL
BUT MOVING ON As A Kid i think it's also natural you'll sometimes watch 92 if it's on And I Did though evidently it didn't stick too hard (i do remember really liking beast and gambit though.... still do really): my knowledge of x-men was. INCREDIBLY sparse. like diabolically so so i didnt have too much expectations (aside from the fact i vaguely liked deadpool beforehand).
tbh i dont know why my bro never took me to see any of the x-men movies. it's not like he doesn't Also like x-men (90% sure nightcrawler's his favorite but my brother will be caught dead saying he has absolute favorites like that)- he owns a bitch load of deadpool comics/omnibus sets too (of which ive read over the years and reread this year) but Shrug moving on
Much Like Most Of The Internet i fell down the rabbit hole that way. i have some doodles i made a couple days after seeing WxDP that i now have an excuse to throw at all of you Look And Perceive
and so. As I Do. i got curious and told myself i'd binge watch all the x-men movies the week before i went back to school And Then I Did ft. My Brother Sometimes and then i said i'd binge watch all of '92 and And I Did That ft. My Brother Sometimes But Less So and now we're here. currently watching Evolution...
once i got to school i realized i lived near a comic shop and started getting into the comics that way (the first ones i got since going down this rabbit hole was Magneto Was Right!, The Resurrection of Magneto, and The Trial of Magneto. if you were curious !!!!! clearly i didnt care too much about context i just needed to see My Guy jelvejlkvj i have no regrets and Evidently ive read more since)
i'm pretty sure what dragged me into cherik specifically was the fact i saw a clip of The Famous ending to 92 where erik's aghast at the notion jean even has to question his love for charles. i think that was what officially had me refocus my lens on them: not a single poolverine thought after that LOL (all the cherik posting i saw on twitter definitely helped too but that was the nail in the coffin for any other interests i had: i was locked into cherik and x-men in general now)
that clip specifically, i was surprised at the fact they- frequently even- have the x-men franchise say erik loves charles and vice versa so bluntly. even if it's not meant to be romantic, i fear im just a fan of how casually the word's thrown around with them two and i got tender bout it all. Then Yk. i just live for the drama. the hilarity even. the sincerity .... they make me sick if i think of them too long so im gonna end it here
before i go tho ironically enough, the first x-men issue i owned was This one (story a this is that while stuck in some wacko dimension charles accidentally gets himself trapped in logan's mind while utilizing his astral projection. if you were curious). pretty sure i got it for free with another comic set i got years ago since our old comic shop loved to do that, but it's poetic aint it. maybe ill doodle something referencing it..
i should probably look into finishing this arc someday im Dummy curious to even know how it started and how it ends.....
#snap chats#usually this onea them posts i ramble bout in the tags but i have photos and this is Long long so .. i use the main body for once ...#sorry i gave a biography but i never talk to people and i also love typing. im one of those party can-of-worms i fear#i feel like i could talk about this forever because x-men itself has never been super prominent in my childhood#it was just kinda there in the background BUT comics themselves have always been with me. theyre a keystone to me i think#but yeah. x-men definitely sticks a lot harder than avengers does now OOPS this is not me taking shots i am just SAYING#i have a lot of old marvel doodles tbh .. i found an old deadpool one i remember drawing with my bro during a car ride#kinda funny how much my bro and i bond i dont think of it much but I Guess thats another reason why comics are special to me#we dont bond much- i dont bond with my fam in general tbh we're kinda. Isolated in a way LOL so its cool we're tight at least#if you wanna go deeper bout Comics And My Family my dad really liked comics growing up- more dc tho maybe#apparently he used to draw hulk a lot but if he did those drawings are loooong gone.. at least i know who to blame for me drawing#he loves superman tho. i remember id get embarrassed watching superhero cartoons and superman was on screen when he was around#for some reason i thought id get in trouble if he caught me watching superman but when he did once he was real happy so. tf wrong with me#he loves to say hes superman a lot and id be like Dad... Stop... LMAO but in the cheesiest way possible he do be my hero so. accurate ig#but yeah thats my origin story for why i like comics again thank you for reading if you actually read all that#and sorry it got all sappy Unfortunately i be like that sometimes. i am very emotionally constipated and i over explain a lot#ok i fr gonna end it here im gonna keep going by accident if i thinka any longer and i have stuff i still have to do
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as a kid in utah, i remember really clearly that touch typing was a thing schools started teaching you as early as second grade, but my friends in arizona just. didn't ever learn and some of them are now teaching themselves to as adults. so now im kind of curious...
(It doesn't matter if their lessons actually stuck for you, I'm just curious if they even tried lol. feel free to also add in tags when they started teaching you and/or what general area of the country you live if you're comfortable!)
#utah is bad at being most things but i am so grateful i learned how to touch type as a kid at least#iirc arizona has one of the lowest rated education systems in the USA so its not really surprisingmy friends didnt unfortunately.#learning it as an adult sounds so much harder i think its cool my friends have the kind of dedication to do it though#i havent taken a typing test in a long time but last i checked my typing speed was 75ish wpm? maybe ill take one later for fun hehe#i had the highest WPM in my school in sixth grade and i got really good by writing mlp oc fanfiction in microsoft word LOLOL#bri talks#i think ive made a post posing a similar question once a long time ago but polls are a better format to ask things like this in
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this is the funniest thing that sits and rots in my drafts because its been four months atp and i still have not thought of a single headcanon for these two
#idk what it is in my brain that makes it so hard to engage w media that way but i really cannot do it to save my life#and it becomes harder and harder the more i care about something#i think. when i love something a lot and see it as perfect (in my eyes) as it is#it’s hard to justify changing it or adding to it at all because theres always the possibility that i am making it worse#it also (personally) feels like. a selfish pursuit to change and add onto canon#(which is an argument that falls apart entirely when you dismantle the idea of canon altogether)#BUT!!! at least FOR ME i am terrified of ruining something by making it more about me and less about the thing that it is#analysis is my way of getting around this#engaging with my own interpretation of media is so much easief than engaging with and altering the media itself#and even then#my analysis needs to be important or it’ll rot in my head (or drafts) for all of eternity#its. whatever that quote is thats like.#everything i create needs to be perfect to make up for the fact that its me#thats how i approach anything#unfortunately LOL
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yeah i live in la la land what about it
#i actually hate laismo#it sounds terrible and it made syntaxis so much harder#i don't think i'm laista. i occasionally say 'la dije' but intentionally you know? like making a point#i am leista unfortunately tho
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IF YOU LIKE IDV, ETHEL CAIN, GOTH MUSIC AND/OR ACE ATTORNEY, BE MY FRIEND RIGHT NOW!!
ESPECIALLY if you are a system as well
I’ll even offer you this horrid doodle I made of Nightmare earlier today!!
#I am so bored and there’s like three people I regularly talk to#I REALLY need more system friends who like IDV#IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL I TALK ABOUT#The devil works hard but autism works harder#I also need to listen to more goth music but unfortunately mother Cain has had me in a chokehold for MONTHS#That made me remember how I ran into the coolest fucking looking goth at the mall today#But my ass was dressed like JESSE fucking PINKMAN#So I just walked away#I should wear our prettier clothes more#system host#actually did#did#endos dni#fictive#system#cdid system#did osdd#did system#identity v fictive#idv introject#idv fictive#idv#identity v#traumagenic system#osdd system#sysblr#actually osdd#ethel cain#goth music#ace attorney
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If you've never heard an LRAD go off in person, I *genuinely* do not want to hear your opinion about methods of resistance in the US.
#i'm so fucking sick#wifey and i are pretty sure we got COVID so we've been isolating and trying to stay well#this is now at least my 2nd infection though#and you can tell too#wifey has been having trouble keeping me fed and hydrated and CONSCIOUS because I'm so tired I can barely function#this is despite sleeping for 12 hrs a day the past two days#and being fully medicated (or as fully medicated as I can be)#and on top of that my hypotension has been acting up severely since getting sick and I can barely walk 10ft b4 losing consciousness#i've haven't started throwing up my food and water yet but I've come pretty close especially early in the morning#anyway the point is that I am like. visibly being hit with an autoimmune aggravator not just a normal cold#and unfortunately#I'm taking it harder this time than the last#wifey is doing okay and mostly experienced it as a headcold with severe fatigue#she's pretty much better now a week or so out from starting to show symptoms#we....don't like when she gets hit that hard tho because it usually means I'm about to get bodied#pattern is holding so far regrettably lmao#anyway#my point is that I'm sick and angry and grieving and I really want to hit something or set it on fire#but i can't because i can barely move or even stay awake#and this is literally all my personal hell#as a result i am finding that I have a uhhhhhhhhhh unreasonably low threshhold for irritation recently
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i cannot stop thinking about “most love comes around secondhand, it’s a starving age, better take what you can” in the context of undertale. i don’t know. that does indeed feel like something at the core of the spirit of the game. most love comes around secondhand (heaves)
#that post is haunting me#most love comes around secondhand. chara being unloved by whoever their family on the surface was but being so so very loved by the dreemurr#family. and then the entire asriel fight and ‘’just think of me as someone that was your friend for a little while’’ to frisk#toriel and asgore losing their children and then eventually adopting frisk and loving them so much too#most love comes around secondhand can anyone hear me oh my god#i am so very strongly aroace despite my occasional attempts in the past not to be#but any desire i could have ever felt for romantic love but replaced by wishing i could experience genuine familial love/feeling at home#by tenfold. and that is unfortunately a much harder thing to find/attain :(
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My diary when I was a teenager: I am so angry and this is where I put my rage about how the world is ending and how mad I am about it and how much I hate politicians and the school board
My diary now: here is a recounting of what I did today as well as how I feel about some of the news from today, so that in twenty years when everyone is lying about how the 2020s went I have proof that I'm not insane.
#chit chat#it really hasn't changed much except that I am now writing about the context of the wider world#because so much of my teenage diary was 'i am so mad about what's going on in the world!!! how can they do this!!!'#and older me is like 'hm. what WAS? going on in the world?' and then i have to go look up the news for that day#which feels harder to do now than it did back then#so now im adding context so that when im forty i can be like 'yeah! how could they let this happen!' in solidarity with my younger self#also my grandmother worked at a museum for twenty years so now im actively trying to be helpful to whoever ends up with these things#cuz i won't have kids to pass them onto but some random archivist might think they’re interesting#I've been heavily inspired by dykes to watch out for and how like half the strips are just responding to the news#lol#sometimes i wish i could be less fucking weird but unfortunately i have been Like This since at least the seventh grade#i took one elective journalism class and it was all over for me
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oooo yay its my bday i just hit the big two four!!! so if you see my age in bio change you know whats up. uhh book update for the five people who are interested, i hit 33k words a few days ago and im having a blast writing it!! i still have a long way to go before its finished, i estimate the rough draft alone will take about a year to finish. but yeah the purpose of this post is to do a small poll—
i was thinking, that mayhaps, i could share a scene or two that i particularly liked or made me laugh every chapter to few chapters or so on this account? i wanted to ask before i do it because i know yall followed me for fanfic and i dont wanna clog anyones dash. however, it would be a way for me to share parts of my writing still (not doing so is making me insane ill write a scene and want to paul revere it so bad because i love it sm) and remain active on this account
#yall dont even KNOW how bad i wanna post the full thing but i gotta stay strong#im crafting these freaks out of clay and i need the world to know#that said it would make publishing harder unless i went the indie route at the end and i may beat myself with a brick in a year for posting#and i HAAAAVE to consider that unfortunately#ao3 calls but making a genuine life out of something i enjoy calls harder#the dollar general evil spirit that follows me around on every shift and drains my life force has been attacking so much recently#also tbr if anyone is deadass interested in reading what i got….. my dms are open i could link u to my google docs#make new friends and share my little gay stories in one fell swoop#man idk im just rambling atp im on break at work rn#no thoughts head empty#if anyone has any other ideas lmk i did consider a discord server for my friends who i am showing or something that i could just#have a public link to??? but i hate modding#idk if people are interested i could suck it up#MAN IDK#THOG JUST A GUY#thank u for reading this ily
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anyways. having fun with the album project thing I mentioned. Using the flat small brush from here for krita. One brush only, no undo button, all done on 1/54th of a 1.5k x 1k canvas. it's actually pretty therapeutic, I listen to the album I'm drawing while I draw it. This does mean that for AM I got to like. track 2 though and most of that was bc of formatting issues lol.
#vent in tags though bc i need. somewhere that isn't yet another 4:30 am vent google doc. too many of those and they're not helping#i don't want to talk but i don't want to be fully alone right now but i can't just spring this on someone in dms either so . tags it is#tw death. like really not a fun time over on torchickentacos dot tumblr dot com right now. genuine warning here#but i'm not doing well and i need this right now. anyways told my therapist i feel like i should be more okay right now than I am#and he was like. you. think you should be MORE okay after someone you knew died?#like. ah. hm. i see. now. how that might not be rational thinking.#i mean in my brain it was like. okay we're approaching day three and i haven't reached back out to my other irls#and i'm awake at 4 am#and i feel like need to pull it together because other people need me for stuff#and like. this happened before but harder. i should KNOW that there's no way to expedite this#because unfortunately I've been through this before!!! people make that choice to leave and it sucks and that's that!#like i KNOW how hard this is especially since it's a very personal topic.#but i'm still trying to rush myself here#it stresses me out to think that I'm not there enough for myself to be there for other people right now#sigh. i wonder how much of it's because i feel like i should have been there for those friends more even though it's irrational.#because that's genuinely not how it fucking works and I KNOW THAT PERSONALLY yet I still put that on myself.#people can have all the support they need and still choose to not take it. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.#well. tomorrow i return to socializing and being a human person again#little bit at a time.
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I was reading yesterday about xiangqi and there was a mention about how the general is rather useless and even affects negatively your game at first, but ends up having a key role in setting up winning strategies towards the final stages, and it reminded me so much of Jing Yuan's role in the Xianzhou arc
#The more I read about xiangqi the more I see Jing Yuan in it#I thought the coincidences would be very superficial and sparse but I actually think these things were done on purpose#Really the attention to detail of this game baffles me. I wasn't expecting it at all#The more I see of Jingliu the more I recall the book on traditional chinese fencing I read too#It seemed they drew inspiration from those things for real as well#Unfortunately finding trustworthy information on traditional chinese fencing is being way harder than on chinese chess#I have to save those lines here still#I never do anything in the end#Nor the recopilation about scattered information on Yingxing‚ nor the lines on fencing‚#and I haven't made the gifs either of Jing Yuan stealing the xiangqi piece#nor of Blade and Jingliu's confrontation showcasing how Blade's expression contrasts Yingxing's#I hate that I am so lazy I keep postponing this. I really want to save those things. Otherwise eventually I'll forget them#*sighs*#Anyway... I ended up rambling again. I just wanted to save this thought here#I should have a tag for that maybe. In the meanwhile idk#I talk too much#Traces#I should probably delete this later#Oh! Reading the book on xiangqi strategy proved to be useful!#I'm only in the very beginning but I won my first game last night!#Having a deeper explanation on the functionality of the different pieces beyond how they move was very useful#I'm stuck now because the book suggested getting a physical board to move the pieces while reading and I don't have one#I was keeping a mental image of what was being described but I do get lost at times#when I have to trace back and forward what's being described‚ especially when the writer is comparing moves#But everything I find online is quite expensive and very bad quality. I don't know where to get a cheap yet decent (for the price) set
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love having f.romsoft fans unfollow me over the most annoying opinions of mine
#🥀;#i think all of my opinions are right because i played ds1 ds3 and elden ring around 3-6 times each and have been into these games for#nearly a decade now lmao#ds2.. i am trying so hard to play through that game but unfortunately i only own sotfs#which makes it so much harder esp since i dont get the game feel for ds2 at all which is so sad bcs i really love the locations/lore of the#game bcs i do think they are way nicer looking than. ds3 and grey#the only reason i didnt finish bloodborne/sekiro is bcs i dont own a ps+i dont wanna support sekiro publishers tho i have played a bit of#both of them. actually there is another reason for sekiro but im not gonna get into it bcs it sucks so much
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