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#but tomorrow i need to think of what to do bc i don't want to do poorly in school for whatever the heck is wrong with me
b-blushes · 4 months
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saturday quest is catsitting in the most slug mode way possible 👍
#it is an activity i find challenging in many ways. mainly due to needing to wear a mask so it's hard to hang out for long periods#due to i need to eat and drink! :P also their mealtimes are the same as mine? so that's tricky!#bc that means i gotta eat late as i have to cook all the meals for me so!#anyway it's totally doable and i love to hang out with the baby cats who are sweet and wonderful and lovely <3#it's mainly just my anxiety and insecurity that i'm not doing the best for them. but i AM doing the best of my ability. so!#also. i'm allergic to cats :P not too badly luckily but it does make me wary again of hanging out for too long and without a mask!#SECOND ANYWAY! i'm looking forward to hanging out with the beasts again tomorrow and it's gonna be sunny in the morning (:#it's a complicated kind of mix of rest and activity bc i need to actively watch them somewhat but also that mainly consists of#looking. which is not a big activity. but i don't want to do something ELSE at the same time because i need to be alert!!!#THIRD ANYWAY! it's normal guy hours 👍#i think this is whats tripping me up bc i simultaneously feel like i need to find something to do and also like i can't do that.#whadda hell am i gonna do with my day. think about cats whether in their presence or not apparently hahahaha :P i'm no thoughts#head empty atm which has meant i'm having trouble figuring anything out or remembering what i like to do or my hobbies :P#FOURTH ANYWAY! it's tome to LOG OFF! AND CHILL! :P
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fridayyy-13th · 29 days
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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suncaptor · 4 months
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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee
#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and#empty at 4-5mg i think#i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between#i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly#but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses#i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful#and it's so weird bc it's so empty#too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain#i think it's the not eating food enough thing#i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes#not enough hhh#i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated#i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers#hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option#bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me#i feel like i'm dying#i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh#no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik#i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit#you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors#comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow#like what's happening now i#there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME#if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever#yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine#i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae#that's what they're PRESCRIBED for#i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug
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kevin-sedai · 10 months
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The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage
#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it#tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5#i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing#spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time#spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation#got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing'#which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old#which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid#but that made me feel really shitty#spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus#and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses#which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one?#which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here#but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl#they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read#i'm so sorry everyone#i'll try to be better#i just had to put this out somewhere#and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it#anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow#i'm sorry guys#i really am😔
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littletrumpetcat · 2 months
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i got my wisdom teeth out (abridged version, i was not put under, i babysat a half hour later. long story) and i am in PAIN. also taking out the bloody mess of a gauze every hour fucking sucks. i almost yakked every time i pulled it out of my mouth. the worst part? every time i burp i taste remnants of paper towel. i need to know if anyone else can relate. this is so gross. im tired
#long story short i was going to go to the consultation then babysit#and it turns out the dentist was like 'wanna just get it done now? it'll only take a half hour'#'umm no thank u i have to babysit :) what about tomorrow?' 'really? tomorrow? you're already here!'#your tooth is already infected. you don't want to risk having to go to the emergency dentist' or something#'you don't want to have to drive back out tomorrow. our clinic prefers to do same day procedures'#like sure ok !#this was all said assuming i'd be able to handle babysitting after and the family that i work with was so sweet (albeit so confused about#it all haha)#i don't understand why my wisdom teeth removal had less recovery time and i didnt need to be put under#especially because i essentially needed a bone graft as well because of my sinuses being right next to my teeth#this isn't like a scammy dental clinic though i think there's so many stories of regular dentists trying to upsell#i did get a several hundred dollar discount on the procedure because they didn't take my insurance#only place that'd take my insurance is 2 hours away lol#my mom has a health insurance card she has to put money on every paycheck and in this instance it really worked out#bc if not itd never be taken care of#the gauze part was so hard#also the mom didnt come home til 45 minutes after i was supposed to go home and i was lowkey in agony#because the numbness wore off#and the gauze was so disgusting#i was like. so fed up i lowkey wanted to cry while building blocks with the little kid lol#ibuprofen fully kicked in as im typing this actually we r okay
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daz4i · 11 months
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funniest (/s) irony about my pains is that the only painkiller that actually helps (mostly, not entirely) likely also makes them worse in the long run. i just love having a body and being alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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magentagalaxies · 6 months
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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not
#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th#idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self#like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me#but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in#but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them#and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half#if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it#(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting#which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he#and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that#but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels#scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself#which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender#bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine#and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it#but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college
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byanyan · 5 months
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...staring at my drafts and realizing i should perhaps consider pausing on answering ask prompts to start getting caught back up on those instead bc the number is back in the 40s & i just found a starter i completely forgot about bc it got lost on the second page :x
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yo9urt · 10 months
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mutuals i may be on the verge of becoming a gamer...
#not really LOL not like a serious one at least but umm this could be huge#mine#ok i realize i havent made a personal post in a while so let me explain...#for a while now ive been wanting to get a proper pc so i can play games and also do other stuff (<- macbook air owner)#but i was like ill just wait til i move out cause money and moving etc etc and then i was like well maybe ill get one for black friday#and then i was like no i don't have space and i need to be frugal and it'll be easier to move out if i don't have a pc to worry about#but i still want to play games...COUGH bg3. i really wanna play bg3...and minecraft and stardew valley and the yakuza games also#possibly other games too but anyway i was beginning to lose hope and then i saw someone on some thread somewhere mention the steam deck#and i was like oh yeah waht is that thing (i had never considered it before bc i thought it was more of a serious gamer thing but i also#didnt really know what it was at all anyway back on topic) so i goog'd it and it's like exactly what i need?#it's in my budget + small and portable + can run all the games on my list#(it doesn't run bg3 WELL...you have to be a bit careful with the settings and the framerate is a little messy#but i'm willing to accept that honestly it doesn't bother me i just want to play the game i'll lower my standards)#and with winter break coming up i'm like umm. i need something to do....#plus they just came out with the oled version and after doing research#even though i want to be frugal i honestly think the 512gb oled seems like the right choice#so. i might order it tomorrow LMAO
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katya-goncharov · 1 year
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maybe i SHOULD just try to get a different job that would be better suited to me
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Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies
#personal#taking a brief break from it bc the feeling hasnt quite overwhelmed me yet but i dont think I'm going to be okay by the end of it!#its asking me to consider what my strengths are. what kind of role I'd like to have in the industry when i graduate#these are questions that i SHOULD certainly have answers to but they kind of just make me not wanna be alive yk? bc i have no answers#I'm not really good at much. like the things I'm best at I'm still completely unexceptional#what are my strengths? don't have any. next question#what job do i want to have in the industry? well that requires an answer to the first question doesn't it#not to mention it requires me to think about graduating and having a job and I've simply never imagined myself getting that far#and i can only give this so much of my attention span bc I'm also thinking about how hard i failed my modules from last semester#my best grade this year has been a c#one of them is a marginal fail meaning i do the reassessment this year (i think)#the other is a hard f. what does that mean? do i resit the entire course next year? maybe#and i can't look it up just yet bc i need to make it through the lecture bc I'm really far behind this other module already#and it's only week 3 and i have a presentation tomorrow#and if i stop watching it im not convinced I'll bring myself to start watching again!#so instead i was just sitting here trying not to get overwhelmed by all of the things i should be thinking about!!!#that's why I'm making the post tbh. just to organise my thoughts and get it out of my system and give myself time to breathe#and my phone keeps buzzing while i type and if it does that one more time i will launch us both out of the window I'm so fucking done#semester has barely begun and im so fucking overwhelmed already#I've joked about being the token nt mutual before but honestly the past few years I've just been getting gradually more convinced I'm not#this can't be how everyone else is experiencing life. surely#like dude I'm so out of fucking touch w the concept of being a human#so in summary: augh the agonies
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indigodawns · 2 years
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#was feeling stressed and melancholy all day and i just... i really need to learn how to cope with that#i feel so self-absorbed and idk i was upset and teary eyed when taking the train early for dinner with my friends#and then i sit down and my friend says oh oops sorry can't tonight and idk. i was counting on that to sit down and talk for a bit and#this makes me sound awful but i kind of. exploded and texted back very shortly and angrily#and apparently. gave our other friend a panic attack so#and then they told me over text and i did nooot know how to react irl and psychically bc whew self-loathing#which felt so toxic and gross??? and again self absorbed???#and i did reply over text and i apologised and did my best but god.#idk it's like... i think that petulant angry kid is who i am deep down and lord knows i shouldn't post this but#i need some perspective and i feel so manipulative in this too#idk idk. and i was also just wondering if anyone else gets like this like idk this blur in front of your eyes and you just#lose all reasonable thought#and i just think. im selfish as fuck at my core and im scared i don't actually want to change that and i will. try to talk about#it in therapy but that's a while away#anyways. that's also me and yeah.#sorry and also it's my parents' wedding anniversary and all i could think about was feeling mweh and not being able to do#what i was planning to do and i had this assignment blabla and these plans etc#like god??????? god#im calmer now (obviously) but yeah#and now work again tomorrow and im so fucking sick of it the mood is awful and it's busy and bleh
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dan-sing-in-the-rain · 7 months
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highwaydiamonds · 2 years
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starting a new job tomorrow (monday) morning and am feeling about 72 (million) different things all at once because of it
#scared - so scared i will mess this up too#scared no one will like me#scared i will not be good at this#afraid i will hate the job#what if something happens to make me late - like witht he car tomorrow#just - it's new and there are so many unknowns and i don't like unknowns - they're just SCARY#and i don't want to eat lunch alone and i feel like i'm going to be and rn it's not a comfortable alone - it will be in time i know#but rught now it doesn't feel like alone by choice - it feels like alone by dint of ew no one wants to eat lunch with you - which sucks#and my aunts - or one of them anyway sent congratulations to me via one of the people i live with - who are speaking to them more than i am#the last time the aunts corresponded with me - it was via text abd they basically did tough love intervention style texting#which - they had every right to say how they felt - and i think they were right about some things#but it also felt like they were kicking a puppy when it was down - and well - i was the puppy being kicked#so when i got the job and one of the friends i live with asked if i would call my aunt(s0 to tell them i said no#i know they love me but i'm not interested in putting myself in a position to feel lambasted again#you saying you're proud now doesn't mean much any more - i needed you to say that you loved me then#that you knew i was messing uo but that you loved me regardless and you knew i could do better - not the yelling at via text that i got#you don't get both - i can't handle both. so yes fine i know you love me but it's going to be from a distance#and i love you too in some kind of way - one that right now is hurt and sad because i don't think you care how i feel at all#but i am trying to do right and do better - and i don't want to do things from spite but#i admit there is a part of me that when i get to better place - i want to be able to say - no i'm not contacting them bc idgaf#but i also know that's not likely to be true and isn't kind and not how i realy want to live and be#and wow that really turned into one hell of an emo tangent#anyway - i'm stopping myself now - i got some catharsis there and i need to get ready for bed so i won't be a total mess in the AM#if anyone has actually read this all please wish me luck - i could use it#and i know i will have to make the luck on my own anyway#i just keep thiking of- what if i fall? but oh my darling what if you fly?
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moe-broey · 1 year
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Anyways I'm back from The Labyrinth and Philadelphia (may or may not qualify as a labyrinth itself)
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worstloki · 2 years
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Thor absolutely does have a pussy, it just wasn’t mentioned in the films because they were pg 13 rated, my source: the man serves cunt daily <3 -thot-son-of-odin
so true <3
#Thor courting Jane and then abandoning her for like two years bc he doesn't want to explain the downstairs situation#like Jane just (fairly enough) assumed what she was getting with#and now Thor is post-TDW living on Earth again and actively courting with Jane again and covering for the facts#Jane: not to rush you or anything but usually making out leads to...#Thor: ICE CREAM#Jane: what?#Thor: we've run out I should get us some more#Jane: oh um. okay :)#Jane is like i know they live for a very long time but this is a VERY slow dating process so how do I speed it up a bit?#and Darcy is like don't ask me all the dating I've done is practically hit and run#Jane trying to hint to Thor that she's okay to move on to doing more as a couple and talking about what Earth couples do/how fast they go#and Thor is there super happy like I SHALL SEARCH FOR YOU A WORTHY ENGAGEMENT RING. TOMORROW. I MUST SEEK ONE.#Thor sweating and avoiding secx where he takes his pants off at all costs dsjfbdsjf#he feels like the ground will swallow him whole not bc of the situation but bc he went along with Jane assuming he has a dong#now he's got to pretend and it's not going well dhfdjf#idk if Loki is amused watching this go down on Earth but like if he's there with Thor then#Jane: do Asgardians have sex while 'courting'? am i missing something? does Thor want this relationship or no?#Loki (is now exactly aware of the situation): i think you just need to try harder#Jane: is it rude for me to try and nudge him into it?#Loki: go for it. more than a nudge even. he can be very bullheaded sometimes#Jane: thanks :)#Loki: no worries :) good luck :)#Thor rushing into his apartment with Loki all panicked and not telling Loki what happened#VS Loki who knows exactly what happened from Jane/Darcy's plotting already#it's actually even funnier if Jane is like 'do Asgardians not have sex?? how far in a relationship does it happen??'#while Darcy is there like 'idk dude i banged Loki he seemed fine'#Jane to Sif: can i get some advice about Thor? you're one of his closest friends and--does he have some kind of issues physically mentally#Sif: no he beds people all the time#Thor sobbing in his room like why does she keep trying to meet my hypothetical fantasy lonesome dong#dfcgvbhjn
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