#but to heck with it

[penig]

So I don’t write smut, as a lifestyle choice, and I don’t go out of my way to read smut, but I don’t go out of my way to avoid reading it, either, except insofar as I want something else to be the A plot. I’ve run across it incidentally quite a lot  since joining AO3, as you do, and most of it I skim because most of it isn’t really adding to the story. If it advances plot or characterization of course I’ll read that, but otherwise I treat it like fight scenes (which have the same problem) and the boring parts of Moby Dick. If you get the gist you don’t have to get every word to know if it matters to you or not. (For E-rated stuff that has a job to do and is eminently readable, as an example of what I don’t skim, I recommend Charlotte Madison’s GO Human AU, Or Be Nice, feuding neighbors to lovers, in which the first sex scene is part of a long conversation that goes through multiple means of communication, before and after the act.)

By and large I don’t think about the stuff I’m skimming, but in the case of M/M scenes specifically,  mostly but not entirely in fanfic, I have evolved some questions, which by their nature I’m not about to put into comments, but I can’t help running through sometimes, sometimes in terms of writing quality and technique but also in terms of societal and technological changes that have happened since my life became more domestic and monogamous. I will mix them up together here. Quite probably many of the fics I don’t read because the explicit material is the A plot would address these concerns, but that possibility is not enough to tempt me to read that widely without guidance. And I need something to distract me from worrying about my cat and the discomfort of the foot (and the head; I’m getting lots of positional vertigo, which is scary as well as nauseous when you can’t put weight on one foot.) Anyway, in no particular order, I wonder:

Do gay men not keep tubs of Crisco by their beds anymore? What is this magic lube that comes in packets and is never too cold and apparently is never nasty-tasting or grainy and never makes a mess on the sheets or leaks on the headboard or gets the container sticky and therefore dusty? We did not have this in my day. It sounds wonderful. Where can I get it? I keep forgetting to look in the family planning aisle and am not sure I’d recognize it anyway. We used to have to buy lube in the first aid aisle and in a certain kind of novelty shop, where it was called “massage oil.”

Are cock rings passe? I can see how that might happen when they became mainstream as accessories to rave wear, but the chrome things were never the only option and it’s been long enough for them to cycle back.

Where are these men’s testicles? Even most of the scenes I don’t skim seem to take place between guys who don’t have them. I get that not everybody likes to play ball but aren’t they in those cases at least in the way?

Why is the bottom never making a bathroom run as soon as their legs function again? (This applies equally to women and men but I notice it most strongly in M/M.) In the case of rear entry in particular, this BS about the top bringing a damp washrag back to bed to clean up with will not do the trick, absent a preliminary enema. I know enemas aren’t sexy but nobody seems to even own the pumps anymore and if you haven’t planned ahead and regulated your food intake, believe me, you do not want to clean up that wet spot much less wake up in it - you head to the can ASAP. This is distracting and gross, y’all, please just take advantage of the glories of indoor plumbing!

That seems to be the bulk of it.

[2022dirt]

Outlines of two alligators that slept through the rain.

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[foxyfexyll]

[supertaliart]

A continuation of my previous Skywalker Twins comic - feat Yoda part 3

[egophiliac]

gargoyle Mal is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. his little raincoat! his umbrella! I hope he really does have big ol' stompy rainboots to splash around in puddles in. I hope they have little faces on them.

(Twst please give me Malleus having a rainy day adventure, this is everything I need right now)

[thefantastician]

is this relatable to everyone or just me

[queenlucythevaliant]

People you will encounter working at The Bookstore

Little old lady buying a huge stack of the most violent thrillers you can imagine

Person who very tentatively asks if you carry the single most popular book in the store, manages to get the title wrong

Pre-teens who definitely should not be this comfortable in the adult romance section

Man in a cowboy hat and cowboy boots buying cowboy books. This feels right.

Small child who would like to register his dissatisfaction about not getting a toy

Small child who is happy to be getting books, but would like to register his dissatisfaction about not getting a book he's already read fifteen times

Man who calls the store every day to ask if the new issue of his favorite niche magazine is in yet. Being told that you only get shipments Mondays and Thursdays will not deter him

Man who definitely thinks you're too young and female to be recommending him history books

Man who's very enthusiastic about your history recommendations and thinks it's "nice to see young people taking an interest"

Old person absolutely baffled by e-reader, wants your help setting it up

Attractive young man who appears to have exactly your taste in books, and his girlfriend

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

i will never understand why more people in their 80s don't commit felonies. you reach that age and surely there's something illegal you always wanted to do but didn't bc Consequences

dammit, GO FORTH GRANNIES!!! rob an armored car! hold up that bank! tunnel your way into fort knox! what are they gonna do, sentence you to 20 years? good fuckin luck with that

[microwaveexplosion]

[noodles-and-tea]

Who’s your favorite gravity falls character?

THIS GUY

[2022dirt]

Years of pressure and heat can cause the ink in photos to transfer directly onto plastic, a process known as image bleeding.

[otp-more-like-killmeplease]

When will my love return from war

[m-r-moth]

oh what a fine masked fellow