#but to heck with it
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So I donāt write smut, as a lifestyle choice, and I donāt go out of my way to read smut, but I donāt go out of my way to avoid reading it, either, except insofar as I want something else to be the A plot. Iāve run across it incidentally quite a lotĀ since joining AO3, as you do, and most of it I skim because most of it isnāt really adding to the story. If it advances plot or characterization of course Iāll read that, but otherwise I treat it like fight scenes (which have the same problem) and the boring parts of Moby Dick. If you get the gist you donāt have to get every word to know if it matters to you or not. (For E-rated stuff that has a job to do and is eminently readable, as an example of what I donāt skim, I recommend Charlotte Madisonās GO Human AU, Or Be Nice, feuding neighbors to lovers, in which the first sex scene is part of a long conversation that goes through multiple means of communication, before and after the act.)
By and large I donāt think about the stuff Iām skimming, but in the case of M/M scenes specifically,Ā mostly but not entirely in fanfic, I have evolved some questions, which by their nature Iām not about to put into comments, but I canāt help running through sometimes, sometimes in terms of writing quality and technique but also in terms of societal and technological changes that have happened since my life became more domestic and monogamous. I will mix them up together here. Quite probably many of the fics I donāt read because the explicit material is the A plot would address these concerns, but that possibility is not enough to tempt me to read that widely without guidance. And I need something to distract me from worrying about my cat and the discomfort of the foot (and the head; Iām getting lots of positional vertigo, which is scary as well as nauseous when you canāt put weight on one foot.) Anyway, in no particular order, I wonder:
Do gay men not keep tubs of Crisco by their beds anymore? What is this magic lube that comes in packets and is never too cold and apparently is never nasty-tasting or grainy and never makes a mess on the sheets or leaks on the headboard or gets the container sticky and therefore dusty? We did not have this in my day. It sounds wonderful. Where can I get it? I keep forgetting to look in the family planning aisle and am not sure Iād recognize it anyway. We used to have to buy lube in the first aid aisle and in a certain kind of novelty shop, where it was called āmassage oil.ā
Are cock rings passe? I can see how that might happen when they became mainstream as accessories to rave wear, but the chrome things were never the only option and itās been long enough for them to cycle back.
Where are these menās testicles? Even most of the scenes I donāt skim seem to take place between guys who donāt have them. I get that not everybody likes to play ball but arenāt they in those cases at least in the way?
Why is the bottom never making a bathroom run as soon as their legs function again? (This applies equally to women and men but I notice it most strongly in M/M.) In the case of rear entry in particular, this BS about the top bringing a damp washrag back to bed to clean up with will not do the trick, absent a preliminary enema. I know enemas arenāt sexy but nobody seems to even own the pumps anymore and if you havenāt planned ahead and regulated your food intake, believe me, you do not want to clean up that wet spot much less wake up in it - you head to the can ASAP. This is distracting and gross, yāall, please just take advantage of the glories of indoor plumbing!
That seems to be the bulk of it.
#non sims#writing#sort of#practical problems of mature people#I find I am hesitant to hit post lest I attract unwanted attention#but to heck with it#I have a block button#I'm not afraid to walk alone downtown after dark why does this make me nervous?#how do you stick community labels on? Does this warrant one?#guess I'll find out
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Outlines of two alligators that slept through the rain.
#interesting#interesting facts#discover#thats interesting#thats incredible#thats insane#like woah#woah#woah dude#woah :0#alligator#alligators#animal#animals#imprint#outline#outlines#rain#raining#what the#whatthe#what teh fuck#what the fuck#what the hell#what the heck#what the flip#woahhhh#but woah#woahg#woah woah woah
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gargoyle Mal is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. his little raincoat! his umbrella! I hope he really does have big ol' stompy rainboots to splash around in puddles in. I hope they have little faces on them.
(Twst please give me Malleus having a rainy day adventure, this is everything I need right now)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#malleus draconia crown prince of briar valley descendent of the witch of thorns and a mage of frightening power: ooh big splashy#(my brain INSTANTLY to this very day: hit 'em with a splash attack)#honestly though yeah i do just want to see malleus having a really good fun day in the rain looking at some big stone fellas#it's gonna be three solid hours of him lecturing us on the minutiae of stone masonry and i'm gonna be hooked on every second#remember kids: aqueduct means you're in luck#if there's no water spout then get it the heck OUT
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Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:
The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.
Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.
It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.
Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. š
Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.
also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh
ā¬ļø More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmaoā¬ļø
Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D
Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.
Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:
'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.
you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH
And, finally:
lmao this is shit
True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.
Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD
Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D
Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)
#fanart#gravity falls#billford#bill cipher#stanford pines#stanley pines#dipper pines#mabel pines#pyronica#handyman bill au#book of bill#the good place#incorrect quotes#heck yeah i'm tagging billford - cuz these old men are EXES#jfc i said i wasn't going to color any other gravity falls stuff i made - and then what do i do?#i fukken color all of it#i may have a problem lmao#the green area outside the theraprism is because i forgot what was outside it and just went 'lol greenscreen idgaf'
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#layer modes heck me over but i think theyre all recognizeable#gay snakes#snake saga!#lgbtq+#pride month#transgender#homosexual#lesbian#pansexual#bisexual#aromantic#asexual#genderfluid#nonbinary#women are my favourite guy#thereās a hidden amongus in all of these#itās shmbolic of how people with various identities live among us#snakes#stickify#vex draws#my art
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A continuation of my previous Skywalker Twins comic - feat Yoda part 3
#okay but like how the heck do you transliterate Yodaās laugh in a way that doesnāt look ridiculous#also wow I canāt believe how much lovely feedback I got on the first one of these! thanks yall#Star Wars#starwarsblr#leia organa#princess leia#luke skywalker#space twins#skywalker twins#han solo#yoda#force ghost#I think Hans picked up a lot of information about the force through osmosis#heās just being a little shit#force sensitive Leia
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is this relatable to everyone or just me
#how the heck do i tag this#youtube#video essays#alright that seems good#my art#thefantastician#comic#lol
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People you will encounter working at The Bookstore
Little old lady buying a huge stack of the most violent thrillers you can imagine
Person who very tentatively asks if you carry the single most popular book in the store, manages to get the title wrong
Pre-teens who definitely should not be this comfortable in the adult romance section
Man in a cowboy hat and cowboy boots buying cowboy books. This feels right.
Small child who would like to register his dissatisfaction about not getting a toy
Small child who is happy to be getting books, but would like to register his dissatisfaction about not getting a book he's already read fifteen times
Man who calls the store every day to ask if the new issue of his favorite niche magazine is in yet. Being told that you only get shipments Mondays and Thursdays will not deter him
Man who definitely thinks you're too young and female to be recommending him history books
Man who's very enthusiastic about your history recommendations and thinks it's "nice to see young people taking an interest"
Old person absolutely baffled by e-reader, wants your help setting it up
Attractive young man who appears to have exactly your taste in books, and his girlfriend
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i will never understand why more people in their 80s don't commit felonies. you reach that age and surely there's something illegal you always wanted to do but didn't bc Consequences
dammit, GO FORTH GRANNIES!!! rob an armored car! hold up that bank! tunnel your way into fort knox! what are they gonna do, sentence you to 20 years? good fuckin luck with that
#mine would be a coordinated museum heist utilizing the lifetimes of experience and diverse expertise of my fellow nursing home residents#also there's Karl the orderly. his skill is he drives the shuttle van#technically he shouldn't be enabling us but he thinks it's a good enrichment activity#heck debra hasn't been this excited since her son flew in from australia.#plus Karl figures formulating an elaborate heist is better brain exercise than the puzzle books they keep in the resident lounge#all the sudokus are half finished anyway#update: upon consideration my second choice is just. MASSIVE credit card fraud.
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Whoās your favorite gravity falls character?
THIS GUY
#fiddleford is a VERY close second and that is something that was definitely not on my bingo card#dipper was probably the first ever character I connected with on that deep a level#he is ME#If you go through my sketch books form when I was 13#(to be honest any of my sketchbooks after that too)#you will absolutely find at least one or two dipper in there#heck man#my art#ask#gravity falls#dipper pines
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Years of pressure and heat can cause the ink in photos to transfer directly onto plastic, a process known as image bleeding.
#interesting#interesting facts#discover#thats interesting#thats incredible#thats insane#like woah#woah#woah dude#woah :0#id#ids#wallet#wallets#photo#photos#picture#pictures#what the#whatthe#ghost#what#what the fuck#what the hell#what the heck#what the flip#what then#woahhhh#but woah#woahg
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When will my love return from war
#please come back#I just finished my homework what the heck#ao3 is down#ao3#fan fiction#return soon my love
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[Video description: Four videos that have been stitched together; the first three are captioned. One: A lawyer in a suit says smugly, "I sued a 9-year-old kid and won!" Two: A bearded person sits outside and says ironically, "I challenged a nine year old kid to a basketball game and won." Three: A person wearing a yellow bandanna as a sweatband says dramatically, "I challenged a nine year old kid to a bench press competition, and won." Four: A (presumably) nine year old kid walks across a lawn, shaking their head slightly and sounding out of breath as they say, "I had the worst day of my life." End description.]
Description by @mocweepe
#This was originally a post that got flagged as explicit?#What the heck Tumblr?#But I'll repost it because it's hilarious
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