#but this week has sucked
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Iām pissed. I am so pissed right now. (Super long, very personal rant below)
Iām an attorney. A lawyer. My job is to advise my clients to the best of my ability of what legal options they have and which acts may be in their best interest. Thatās why one of the other names for my job is counselor.
It is not to get more clients. It is not to file more bankruptcies. My job, my ethical obligation, is to provide my professional expertise to clients in relation to pursuing a bankruptcy.
Which means sometimes my ethical duty is to advise clients that filing a bankruptcy is the worse option for their situation and other steps would serve them better to reach their goals.
So when a client who makes less than the median income (which is fairly low, especially with inflation) comes in owning their house in full (meaning lots of value in the house to pay off debts), it is my job, my ethical obligation, to warn her that filing bankruptcy will mean she has to pay every single cent of her debts back. That she will be handing over almost half of her pay every month to the bankruptcy court to pay back her creditors. Or else the bankruptcy trustee has the right to sell her house.
And after discussing her situation with the senior attorney, turns out that itās actually a better option for her to take out a small home equity loan and negotiate for lower debt payoffs for her credit cards and personal loans. Itās a lower interest rate, she gets a lot more leeway before her house is at risk, itās quicker, and it will preserve her credit score. In every conceivable way itās a better option for her.
So I call her to discuss that there are other options for her before I sink hours into preparing her case.
This woman freaks the fuck out. Sheās convinced the loan will lead to her losing her house. She demands to know why I would even suggest it. She implies I have no clue what Iām doing and am just trying to take advantage (which isā¦ no? Iām telling you that youād be better off not using our services). I try to calm her down and ask for a few days to put together the numbers to show her what her options will look like. She agrees to a phone call in two days.
Two days later, she sends me a basic email saying she no longer wants to go forward with the bankruptcy. Silly me thinks that means sheās given thought and realized that a 3.5-5% small loan and negotiating payoffs is better than 5 years at 8-18% interest plus attorney fees.
Wrong! She also emails one of the partners and writes a nasty message about me and how āincompetentā I am! Because I suggested a home equity loan! Because I did my ethical duty! And I found this out because I went to add a note to her file about giving her a refund and found a note from the partner about her complaints about me.
And I do not trust the partners to take my side. I did the right thing. I took the right actions. I know I did. And the Senior attorney will back me up! We literally just had a discussion that legal ethics requires that at times we have to advise clients not to file bankruptcy, even if that means we lose their business.
But I cannot believe that the partners will stand behind my actions. I canāt. Not after the last year. Too many times have they assured me that they have my back only to throw me under the bus the moment they actually have to prove it.
A client is rude and combative to me and my paralegal? Makes me deeply uncomfortable and keeps on insisting on coming into the office so he can attempt to railroad me by physical intimidation into doing what he wants instead of the actual correct legal actions? Partners says he understands and that heās okay if we turn this client away. Then he calls the client, tells them Iām also on the line, and immediately rolls over because the asshole isnāt rude to him. And I have another month of near constant harassment and arguments and passive aggressive insults.
A client gives off creepy vibes? Again insists on coming into the office for every little thing? Has a criminal record for domestic issues and an active criminal case open against him for pedophilia? Oh well. He paid a lot up front so guess I have no choice but to keep representing him. For the next 5 years.
Client starts being threatening and aggressive to our paralegal before we even meet with him? Demands to be seen and threatens to come into our office even though we are booked all afternoon? Gives the former criminal prosecutor senior attorney bad vibes before sheās even seen him? Meet with him anyway! Oh he just lost his job because he threatened his HR? Has been arrested for domestic violence? Just attempted to physically intimidate his now former boss and had the cops called him? Thatās fine! We have security concerns? Oh well, theyāll think about it during the partners meeting next month.
Iād like to take the time to learn how to do post filing work or how to file bankruptcies in the neighboring district that I actually live in? Tough. More front end work for a court thatās literally on the other side of the state! And if that doesnāt keep me occupied, theyāll send me front end stuff from the other side of the country!
So I really donāt trust that when I tell them I was doing my ethical obligation and making my client aware that there are better options that they will take my word over hers. I canāt. Theyāve shown me thatās not how they think. Itās being a business first, with being a law practice a distant second, and mentoring new attorneys a far away third. Caring for our staff is barely a blip on the horizon for them.
But I know I did the right thing. And if that client wants to go to another firm and pay most of her paycheck to the trustee every month, fine by me. And if they try to lecture me about how I āhandled it poorlyā and should have just filed it without saying anything, I canāt guarantee I wonāt just walk out.
Iāve got contract work. Iāve been approached by headhunters. One literally emailed me this morning. I like this work, but for once Iām not scared to walk away.
#fury's life#furyās a lawyer#and I will always be a lawyer before I am a businesswoman#I couldnāt live with myself otherwise#personal#fuck this firm#I thought I was just getting burnt out#and a week off would allow me to come back in better spirits#but this week has sucked#and itās not burnout thatās making work harder than it has to be#itās like theyāre trying to ruin me for anything but being a replaceable cog in their fast law machine#so I canāt leave#fuck. that.
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INTRODUCING...
HOTGUY AND CUTEGUY!!!
#hotguy#cuteguy#gtwscar#gtws#grian#desert duo#scarian#fanart#comic#mcyt#hermitcaft#only kinda tho#guys i've been agonizing over this tiny two page comic for far too long and it's still real rough looking#i have their first meeting and *redacted* sketched and ready to ink but my god#comics are so hard#i don't do a lot of inking so it sucks a little but i love that art style too much#i need a tag for this so if anyone has suggestions feel free to let me know#i will try to post a few pages every few weeks but idk#this will be a series and it will have plot but only a little#nhyhu.art
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Arthur āDisaster Biā Pendragon learning about true loves kiss as a cure like:
Gwaine: For fuckās sake, heās not enchanted every time he smiles at someone else, Arthur! He was literally just laughing at my joke!
Arthur, aggressively frenching Merlin on the council room floor: YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL OKAY-
#listen#tell me iām wrong#gaiusās salty ass is mumbling that he doesnāt remember true loves kiss involving so much tongue#and yelling at merlin to signal if he needs cpr#arthur is like āIM ON ITā and just starts groping merlinās pec#elyan is watching the drama unfold and living his best life#leon is having poetry lesson ptsd and aggressively folding himself into the fetal position#gwaine is yelling āTHE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOUā#while watching in horror as arthur practically unhinges his jaw to better suck merlinās face#gwaine is now caught between still being miffed and asking arthur how the fuck he does that as it seems HIGHLY applicable for future use#geoffrey is present as a scribe and wondering how much of this meeting really needs to go into the archives#percy is already illustrating it#within like a week all of camelot has a Pavlovian response to merlins smile like āoh LAWD he comin šā#iconic#just a normal day in camelot#merlin#arthur pendragon#merthur#in a land of myth#and a time of gays#bbc merlin
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the star you've longed for
#PLEASE WATCH REVUE STARLIGHT!!!!!!š„š„š„š„š„#project sekai#revue starlight#pjsk#emu otori#nene kusanagi#emunene#prsk#proseka#yuri win. i make my fav pairing fight tothe death#HAPPY EMUNENE WEEK LOOOOOL#Can i be hinestni think this sucks it took way too long cause i forgot how to draw for a week#im seeing demons and stuff. i feel more normal now. Also you may recall emu has a big hammer for revstar#thats the bottom of it the gem thing all the weapons have hers is sharp#i remember seeing meta post abt how mahiru has a blunt weapon because she never actually aimed for the lead role#rather she only wanted to be by karen's side. so her weapon wasnt capable of cutting anything in the first place#Fastforward to the movie and well LOLLLLL#though i think its funny in the movie her mace is still mostly used for i timidation againstbhikari.. bc again shes not winning for a lead#revue starlight youre neat. maybe i like revstar.#<- has been insane for 4+ years#Needed their pose to be smth where nenes weapon isnt visible because I DONT KNOW WHAT WEAPON TO GIVE HER. OOMFS HELP. I NEED A NENE WEAPON.#i thought some sort of polearm/spear/halberd etc something with range but that can be ambitious#but i feel like smth with that much footwork needed doesnt suit her.. And she cant hsve a sniper i dont think thatwould fucking work#aruru gets pistols in the revue but aruru also is Ummm well shes uhhh. [screaming] [car crash]#throwing knives would be funny wouldnt it. Put that gamer aim to use#idk if the emunene week tag is on here but i'll donit anyways#emuneneweek2024#EDIT: i have decided nene gets a rapier. its awesome. thanks for coming#tsukasa has his giant flag and i dont want to budge on that. im thinking about giving rui the throwing knives since he juggles.#it would be funny. saki + rui knife juggling
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I think i should be allowed to visit other ppls dreams. š
Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me
#Pinup ghoul#satans knitwear#I hope your week has been as delicious as you are my loves#Sucking ur soul out from a distance šš#cheeky#alt pinup#pinup girl#Black lace lingerie
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A lil hair length swap doodle!
#splatoon#callie#marie#squid sisters#ooohh my god i have such a horrible fever atm this week has sucked#i have lost track of time so badly i did this pic while me n the friends were watching hnibal#those damn nightmare sequences turned my frail head into a tizzy i kept reading numbers on all these clocks falsey#bullshit to endospilitiwhatever its called try having a sinus infection and fever in 27 degree weather i am dying scoob
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i wanted to write a quick 3-chapter fic for day 4 of loa shiptober (how they met i think) and i (a fool) was like. yeah. i could totally write 3 chapters in a few hours. i was wrong. SO wrong. havenāt even finished kremyās (the first one).
so instead have a maybe-past-kremy design that im conflicted about compared to his current design, as a peace offering
#i kinda hate this ngl#im still writing it itāll be like a week or two late tho skfjd#i spend like 20 minutes playing around with one 5-line paragraph#logical human brain says edit after getting the story out#but the worms consuming it say āit has to be good on the first draft or else you suckā and i cant argue with that#i like to think that kremy used to dress kind of dark and simple bc he didnt have that much money to spend on luxuries#and he saved up for his silly fancy suit#and spooky fancy cane#and silly fancy tophat!#he has fun with it i think#kremy doesnt draw on a mustache every day for nothing gotta give him his flowers#not too sure how i feel about my past kremy design tbh#i did just pull up pinterest and search up suit. so. thats on me lol#let me know what yall think#thanks for reading my tag rambles mwah mwah#kremy appreciation <3#once upon a witchlight#legends of avantris#kremy lecroux#ouaw fanart#my art
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Vote.org just sent me a helpful email that "Election Day Is Tomorrow!!!!" and believe me, I have never needed to be reminded of anything less in my life.
#politics for ts#and we enter full time hell watch!#thanks i hate it#also somehow it has been 4 years since 2020#š« š« š« š« #godspeed to us all#may we emerge from this week slightly alive even if mostly dead#ughhgh this is gonna suck so hard
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i'm tired and i'm done looking at these lmao
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#oakworthy#normal oak swallows garcia#hermie the unworthy#tw: gore#tw: blood#this is the closest i've gotten to drawing them kissing and hermie literally has norm's heart in his hand lol#i've had these for like over a week but i did get sucked back into bg3 for a bit so whoops if i don't post now i never will#my artwork#shout out to my tarot deck for the inspo lmao#dndads spoilers
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like tree, like apple
#NEPO BABIES UNITE š„š„š„š„š„š„#myart#elias bouchard#gwen bouchard#gwendolyn bouchard#tma#tmp#tmagp#the magnus archives#the magnus protocol#itās technically both of them ok. dont bite my head off thank uuuu#eyestrain#week 2 pacing around the house thinking about the bouchard family and how much everyone sucks there#actually unbearable people to be around#inb4 next weekās episode proves that elias has never existed or whatever. WHATEVER. LEAVE ME ALONE#in my heart i know the reveal is happning in like (opens my third eye) s2. and in my heart i know they are siblings#Ok. Trust me on this one. inb4 they reveal elias to be some estranged uncle#as u can see iāve thought about this a normal amount#I just made like my appendix hurt thinking sbout how much i want them to interact itās over BRO ITāS OVERRRR#the way every bouchard is straight up Doomed because of their upbringing . UNWELL. inb4 gwen becomes the head of oiar and itās all fucked.#There is something much more sinister going on
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CHAPMAN
#not equipped for rambling#my art#shitpost#rudyard funn#eric chapman#antigone funn#I AM A WEEK INTO HALF TERM AND IVE DONE NO HOMEWORK OR REVISION#I CANT STOP DRAWING SHITPOSTS ITS TOO FUNN#art block has left me at the worst possible moment#antigone doesnt have the right vibe yet and chapman sucked the soul out of me to draw but ITS FINE#im having fun. its fine.#drawing this made me giggle thats all that matters#wooden overcoats#madeleine#cant forget#madeleine the mouse#yes this is that one thomas sanders meme
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is åæäø (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened š#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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#dungeon meshi#laios touden#art#kabru of utaya#delicious in dungeon#I NEED TO PUT LAIOS IN MORE SITUATIONS!!!! (minimum wage jobs)#he just started this job. new enough so no tan from being in the FUCKING 110 DEGREE HEAT OUTSIDE RAHHHH#it's early in the morning. not sweaty yet.#a week down the line and falin is sneaking sunscreen aloe vera and topical ointments from med school and making him use them every day#he's wearing that silly little paper hat hehe#either that or the baseball brim with the big ass hair pins??#sorry. Laios has been assigned Californian in this art. I'll see Kabru as like. a college student from the east coast or w/e#I don't have the skill/energy to match my art perception at the moment. I hate cars. but have this please.#I will Try doing more environments. god backgrounds suck ass so hard :( but I want to try for The Fixation#he! needs! to! be! in! more! minimum! wage! jobs!#josie muses#my art#fuckin. I'll tag the food chain. god knows we never stop yapping about it.#in n out
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[ID: A drawing of Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls, stylized to look like a Polaroid photo. She is wearing her pink shooting star sweater and smiling, giving two peace signs. In the background is the edge of the forest, and "Mabel Pines, Summer 2012" is written on the photo. end ID.]
Mabel I will always love you girl!!!! Plain version of the image under the cut!
#gravity falls#mabel pines#fenic draws#Ouuufh letting myself do some fanart between EotU pages :)#GF has been one of like three things I've been ferally rotating in my head for weeks now#This drawing sucked me in so bad I blinked and it was 6 am#YOU DID NOT SEE ME ACCIDENTALLY POST THIS TO MY REBLOG BLOG YOU DID NOT!!!!!!!!!!!
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sleepless nights
#art#digital art#fanart#one piece#sanji#i uh. have been having a bit of insomnia the last week. sucks:/#and it made me think about sanji's sleeping habits and the fact he reportedly only gets 5h of sleep a night#i imagine that just like me he has a hard time quieting his mind:/#(and i may draw a pt 2 cuz i have an idea for it but i have an essay due tomorrow that i haven't even fucking started lol#due to the...u know... aforementioned insomnia problems...im just tired y'all#anyway i'll stop yapping now
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Happy BHM!!
I know its a bit late from me but happy black history month y'all! I didn't really wanna make this post but my roommate has covid so we need some money for supplies so that me and my other roommate Don't get it. I'm working two jobs but I don't get paid until next week and we just found out about the other roommate being sick this morning.
Anything helps! If you wanna send me reparations in general or just wanna help out two struggling black college students here's where you can: pp ca vm
#honey.txt#waking up from a 9 and a half hour sleep session to find out our WHITE ROOMMATE HAS COVID SUCKED SO BAD#she STILL needs to pay me back for groceries last week too like god..... UGGH#either way#happy black history month
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