#but this seemed like the most affordable option and I tend to stick to one piece of tech until something gives and I'm forced | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

carry-on-my-wayward-boi · 1 year ago

Text

The girl in the pool

There’s something haunting about water in open spaces.

I didn’t always think like this, I used to go to be beach rarely, and every time my family took me there, I cherished it immensely. I consider myself very lucky, I still love going to lakes or beaches (haven’t gone to a river yet, one swimmable, but I guess I would like it too), and the only sport I really imagine myself sticking with in the long term is swimming.

I go swimming every two days now, after a period of solitary confinement, I’m starting to make myself understand that I need to take care of the shape of my body, apart from the self-esteem issues, for the health problems it has been causing me for a year now.

And I’m only 19.

I don’t want to die yet, even if sometimes it seems the only sane option, I’m not that far in the line.

But I go to the pool 3 times a week now, in the last hours of the day, good thing it’s only 15 minutes from my house. And it is so expensive, how I hadn’t realized this when I was younger? I was so naïve, and honestly, I still am don’t let the occasional stream of fancy thoughts convince you otherwise,

I literally don’t know a single thing.

Sometimes it’s a relief the teacher knows me since I was 14, some days it’s tiring to pretend I’m the person I once was, when I didn’t feel like I’ve reached my peak and I’m just holding on before snapping once a week. I sound so selfish, and I know I am, and I don’t care, and isn’t that just so more selfish?

Figures, I am so better at being objective with my flaws now, that’s a good thing, right?

I hate taking a cold shower before entering the pool, it fucking punches me in the gut and takes my breath away, but once I do, I feel a little bit better. I’m too sleep-deprived to analyze that with a metaphor like I tend to do.

Not today though, today the menu is the raw special edition of self-hatred from my fucked-up mind.

Today I’m going again, and the thing that made me start writing this hasn’t crossed my mind since that day at the pool.

There’s much more pressing fears and regrets bubbling in the surface of my sea of thoughts. But I figured, it was better to put this on writing, at least to write one sad novel of my traumas, so pedantic I know. Still, it seemed so right to do it, while taking arm after arm of water without breathing. So here I am again, writing. It would be more fun if I had more time to dwell in metaphors, but I’m out of time, for everything, so this is the best I can come up with.

I almost drowned, that’s the thing.

My mom is certain I did. I don’t really know if some part of me died on that day, but I bet some did.

It was sunny, at least when we arrived at the beach. It was safe, inside a vacation complex that my friend’s family subscribed, and we were young and dumb.

I want to keep saying dumb, cause otherwise I would have to call them cold-hearted traitors, and well, they are the same friends I have now, even if not close, I can’t afford to lose them. Mom doesn’t know why I forgave them,

I guess I hadn’t, I just don’t think too hard about it.

Just four of us went farther in the water that day, the waves were sometimes strong but manageable at the height of our waists. Salty, we threw it around and I remember thinking at last the worries and sadness lurking in the lasts months of the school year shredded off me like cracking dirt. I was the only girl that went that far, most of them went back to the pool, and those knew nothing of what happened that day, so they are in the clear.

(You should know I love you; I don’t think I could if you knew I was dying and ignored it, so yeah, convenient for my brain you weren’t really there)

Because I was. Dying, that is.

Two were on the sand shores, carving in the sand with their hands, or just sitting, I really don’t know. Then, of the four of us, I didn’t realize when, but suddenly we were just one friend and me.

In his defense, he advised me not to go that far in the water, but well I did, I was completely in control, you know? You have to understand, at that age I was too cocky with everything, the way you only can be when everything has gone right for you without too much effort.

Then, I was carried away by the waves, but just some meters. When I realized it, I tried to swim back, getting a little worried when I just keep drifting away, but still in control, you know? That is until I heard yelling. It was my friend, a girl one, and currently the only one I consider a real friend from their lot.

She was in the shore, and the only one that realized I was in danger.

Figures, what good friends I have, but as I said, I fool myself into calling them careless instead, I don’t know if I can keep telling myself that.

She got into the water and went for me, calling my name. But when I asked her recently, she told me she first told the boys I was in danger, and even urged the friend I keep flirting with, to go for me.

You know what he did?

He shrugged and walked away, and then my friend went for me.

He is in Spain now, I even sent him a message telling him I missed him some days ago. He hadn’t replied to that, not to my last 5 messages in the last months, and I don’t know why I bother. He was never a friend I could rely on, I just fancied an idolized version of him he will never be, so it’s so easy for me to let him go. But knowing all that then would have crushed me, I guess time really puts things into perspective.

So, she came for me, and I remember turning around when I heard my name, and getting so worried, because she didn’t really know how to swim. Picture this, she loved me that much, she didn’t know how to swim but still tried, and ultimately, I thank her, I can’t blame her for what happened next.

I remember this so well; it’s engraved with permanent ink before my eyes and inside my lungs.

The waves were getting stronger and taller every time, I was getting scared and even began to expect them to stay below the surface when they crashed. I heard my name, turned around, saw my friend struggling and yelling, I lost focus and yelled at her to go back,

I turned to the open sea and there it was, the biggest wave yet, just some centimeters away from my face.

I couldn’t do anything, it swallowed me whole, with such a force I hope I’ll never feel again if I’m lucky.

Until then, I had been trapped and spited by some waves before, but just two or three turns, and I was free again to breathe.

But not this time

I lost count after more than 20 turns, and when I ran out of oxygen, I just keep turning, eventually inhaling water when I lost control of that.

And I kept turning, my head a mess of disconnected thoughts, but I remember what I was thinking:

My brother won’t be able to move on from my death, my family would crumble, and I wouldn’t be there to help them pick the pieces. The grief of this was mixed with denial, I denied until the very end that I would die there.

I can say I maintained my humor until the very end, cause the tone of my thoughts were on the line of “Seriously? We are going to die like this, turning like a yo-yo? God, I think the fuck not”, and honestly, I stan.

In those moments, which felt like hours or seconds at the same time, I felt like I was in space, without anything solid to bind me to the Earth and consciousness. But I had a wristband, a plastic one of a gay anime of 2016, and I squeezed it as my only tether to reality, even when I swallowed so much water, I believed I would really die.

That cheap faded blue-sky plastic gay thing really saved me, huh.

I don’t know why god decide to let me live that day, I found myself suddenly freed of the death wave, and half unconscious, I emerged to the surface.

But the nightmare wasn’t over; when I looked around, all I could see was water in all directions.

Let me tell you, I got scared out of my mind, completely freaked out. Where was I, the middle of the sea? And the waves kept coming, bigger than before. I don’t know how my brain was still rational, I guess I’m really at least as smart as they tell me I am, because I really saved myself that day.

I decided to swim in the direction the waves went, obvious for you, but not for me in that moment, and almost was sucked into another wave, when I remembered to swim below the water to not be caught when they crashed.

Finally, I managed to see the coast.

Turns out, I wasn’t that far away, only the big waves kept me from seeing the shore.

From then, I really don’t remember much, I guess the adrenaline kept me from feeling how tired I was. I remember just vaguely touching the sea floor, walking slowly until I was in just sand. It felt so detached, like seeing a movie, I didn’t feel happy or sad,

it was like I didn’t feel anything.

There wasn’t one of the friends that were with me there, just those that were on the sand, one girl asked me if I was okay,

I don’t remember what I said.

My friend told me later, this girl saw me so pale, and that I didn’t reply, just laid there in the sand looking at the sky for a really long time.

I guess I coped like that.

I asked about my friend, the only one that tried to save, and I found her in the pool, safe with another friend and some people. She, and then they, asked me worriedly if I was okay, I only looked half-crazed at her eyes, nodded to myself that she was safe and got the hell out of there, I couldn’t stay one more minute with all those people that left me to die.

I went to the house and slept until the next day.

The following morning, I talked and told everyone that I almost drowned, and brushed their concern with a sarcastic smile, didn’t let them get too close, and even less, close enough to try to comfort me,

you weren’t there when I was dying,

not even cared enough to try to get someone who could save me, so no, you don’t get to see my vulnerable side again.

I remember fragments of the following days, I made myself got into the water the next day, so I didn’t get a trauma with the sea, I apologized to not giving her the respect she deserved, and thanked her for returning me my life, I was really grateful.

I never cried, just felt devoid of emotions.

When I returned home, my mom didn’t tell me then, but I looked half dead, and she got terrified.

You know the worst part?

Even before I was born or my mother had even met my father, my mom had gone to see a fortune teller, who told her she would have 2 sons and a daughter, but the girl would die very young, she should be careful of her.

And my mom never forgot that, not when I was born, or in every moment I was careless or didn’t reply to the phone.

I was 14, I was so young, and I should have died that day.

When I came back, and my mom realized I had survived, she cried the whole night with relief, she never told me this until some days ago I asked. It breaks my heart to know how much she carried on her mind without my knowledge. She made my whole family pray to the gods to return the part of my soul that had gotten scared and left my body, and the next day I was okay.

That was 5 years ago, and sometimes I remember that no one saved me when I was dying, not even one of the friends I would have died to save would do that for me.

Maybe they didn’t realize I was in danger, but again,

I would have.

I can’t forgive them, maybe I shouldn’t, it got me trust issues that run deep and that I don’t like to acknowledge,

I saved myself, I always do, and it will always be like that.

It makes me feel cold, I can’t rely on no one, I don’t want to even, to my family, not to be a burden, even barely coping with madness. I shut it all inside so mom won’t have to deal with all my jumbled thoughts. It’s toxic of me I know, but I have time to unpack all the trauma when I’m on my own, for now she is more important.

But I remembered this whole episode when I was swimming the other day, which have never happened before, and it shook me. I felt trapped, oppressed under the enormous mental weight of the water on me.

I guess the mental craziness was extra spicy that day that decided to serve a dish that was very buried inside.

I still feel like I’m pushing it all inside, I haven’t really allowed this wound to heal, and I’m too afraid I’m too weak to really look it in the eye without losing control of my sanity. I’m a makeshift of strength on the outside, inside everything is crumbling and I wonder how I manage to still be in one piece.

I got very good at pretending and crying without sound.

#tw: drowning #original story #writing as a coping mechanism #had this on my wips for so long i figure why not post it #im fine now so dont worry

0 notes

shurisneakers · 4 years ago

Text

shut in [9]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: cursing, anxiety, ptsd, shooting

Word count: 2.8k

A/N: ok ok ok ok sam deserves the world and im mad that he’s not getting it

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

He was gone.

10:00am

Time had begun to slip past you. Days where you were forced to wake up at 4am were just a dreary memory you didn’t want to revisit. The rough shoves in the morning to have you awake enough to be in training by 4:30am only fell into the category of things you had forgotten over the time you had stayed here.

Maybe sleep wasn’t a luxury you weren’t allowed to afford.

10:30am

By the time you step into the kitchen, the loose structure of the day you had ahead of you was forming. Maybe if you revisited the small makeshift shooting range you had set up for Sam and you to practice. A couple of old soup cans, a flat boulder for them to sit on and you were good to go. He had allowed you to use his giant board for knife throwing too, laughed when you asked for permission before saying it was for the both of you.

You made a sandwich for yourself, forcing it down your throat with water. Bread was starting to feel like cardboard and the jam just tasted like nothing. Peanut butter was even worse.

Losing appetite wasn’t an option, even though it had eroded a while ago. The best option was to just scarf it down with water.

11:00am

Sam isn’t in the house, you had deduced. A morning run or maybe just some fresh air.

You checked for the notes he sometimes left for you when he went out. Something along the lines of when he’d be back, or why he’d left, or where you could find him.

You looked on top of the fridge where he generally left them; someplace he knew you’d see. You didn’t find one.

You shrugged it off.

Something felt wrong about the arrangement of the kitchen but you couldn’t place a finger on what it was. All the chairs were in its place, trash appropriately in the bin, no bowls were left from soup day in the sink to wash.

The origami swan you had made still rested next to his paper airplane. Nothing seemed wrong or out of place.

You pushed yourself to shake off the nerves, to get dressed instead. The shooting range was waiting for you.

12:45pm

When you shoot for thirty and get all thirty, it tends to get a little boring. Not that you were complaining; if even one was off you’d spend the whole day trying to make up for it.

Violent hobbies weren’t ideal. They weren’t even hobbies per se. Just skills you needed to keep sharp if you wanted to survive.

You even shot at the targets that you had hung up on the trees. Dangerous and completely Sam’s idea. Said the wind made them act like moving targets. Nevermind the possibility of a ricochet.

The target board was empty too. Admittedly, knife throwing was a little harder to get used than shooting to but it still only took a few tries before you were hitting bullseye over and over again.

There just wasn’t anything to do. And you realised it had been this way for a while but you never noticed due to his lively chatter or how competitive it got with stupid games you were making up as you went.

1:00pm

You learned against the counter as you ate, eyeing the room, trying to figure out what you had misplaced. The air was cold, even more so after the shower, so you threw on an extra t-shirt to aid you.

You made a noise of disapproval when you couldn’t find what was wrong. A quick wash of your hands before you made your way to the TV, fully intending to doze off while watching Megamind for the fourth time.

You passed by the mini fridge on the way, noting how you needed to restock the ice cubes when you suddenly stopped in your path.

Your eyes peeled back to the small paper bowl Sam had crafted expertly that was still somehow managing to stick together. But that was what was wrong.

The keys were missing.

The fucking car keys and the pocket change you had taken from Pierce’s house were no longer there.

Your body moved on autopilot, dragging you towards the front door. You yanked it open, door creaking under the pressure you applied on it.

Your heart sank.

The car was gone.

1:20pm

You had all the possibilities listed out in front of you with the rest scratched out after you had rationalised it.

Someone had come in and taken the car, which wasn’t likely.

Sam had stepped out but hadn’t mentioned it to you. If he did, why would he need the car?

Someone had abducted Sam, which was absurd on paper but still left a twinge of uncertainty because you couldn’t definitively rule it out.

He had just left. Decided he was done and left.

You stared at the last option.

“Fuck,” you cursed.

You could feel his muscle shift as he looked at you.

“What’s wrong?”

You opened your mouth but shut it again. How do you explain it to him without sounding utterly ridiculous?

You wondered if it was that conversation.

He wouldn’t leave after you told him, would he?

You hesitated before shaking your head.

He’d come back. He would.

1:45pm

You had added a few more possibilities to the list but discarded it almost immediately.

You now found a place in front of the TV, watching but not registering what was said. Your fingers kept itself busy by playing with the hem of your shirt. You had thrown another one on since his jacket was missing with the rest of him. It had gotten colder.

The woman droned on about how much her husband loved the recipe she was making. It was Sam’s favourite segment, not because it was particularly fantastic or anything, but because it gave him forty five minutes of free content to trash talk.

Your eyes kept glancing up at the clock. Was it broken or was time much slower than you initially thought?

You almost felt like you were in a cognitive dysfunction; you couldn’t do anything other than while away time till you figured out what had gone wrong.

2:00pm

If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have heard the soft crunch of twigs. The whirring of the wheels as it turned gently only made you sit up straight, hands on the gun that rested on the couch beside you.

It came to a stop. The gun was fully in your grip now, TV turned off to determine what the noises were.

It was the most agonisingly slow minute you spent listening as the car opened and shut, muffled by the distance. You were near the door, using the adjoining wall as a hideaway.

The doorknob shook as someone tried to push their way in.

“Sam?” you called out cautiously against your better judgement, mentally cringing.

It took a second for his reply to return.

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me in, will you? Stupid door’s not opening.”

Of course it wouldn’t. It was fingerprint activated.

Relief flooded your system, letting yourself hold the gun with only one hand as you hastily made your way to open the door.

However, you paused. As much as you wanted to fling the door open blindly, you waited, hand on the knob.

“Is someone out there with you?”

“What?” he sounded confused. “No, it’s just me.”

You opened the door slightly, peeking out through the sliver of open space.

Sure enough, it was only him. The car was returned to the same spot that it was.

“Where were you?” You yanked the door open. You sounded way more aggressive than you planned to, you were sure. It didn’t matter though.

“Went to the store,” he said nonchalantly, stepping inside, and dropping the keys back where they were.

“What?”

He was so relaxed about it, like it was nothing. It only irked you further than you already were.

“Drove the car till the highway, walked into town and went to the store.” He set the bag down. “What’d you do all day?”

“You went to the town,” you emphasised. “To the fucking store.”

“Yeah, I figured you would be up by the time I came back.”

“You were gone for hours.” You crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to yell. You could talk it out calmly. You didn’t have to snap

You hoped he had a good reason. You sincerely hoped, for his well being and security, that he risked his life to go to public space.

“We’re way further out than you think. Nearest dollar store’s almost the next fuckin’ state if you’re walking. Had to ditch the car because it’s a little too flashy, even for me.” He lifted up the bag next to him. “Got us some ramen. And juice. That’s all we had cash for anyway.”

You stare at him, mouth slightly agape.

“You could have been seen, Sam,” your tone was corrosive, the next best you could do instead of yelling. “For all we know, you could have been followed.”

“No one followed me. I made sure.”

That did nothing to alleviate the anxiety that was crawling into your head.

“You’re ridiculous,” you muttered. “Fucking ridiculous.”

“Where are you going?” You ignored him, turning on your heel and walking to the bedroom. You didn’t care if it was his day that day. He could rot in the kitchen with his stupid ramen for all you cared.

You cursed as you slammed the door behind you, launching yourself onto the bed.

There was no denying you were relieved that he was still alive and here. But fuck him. Fucking dickhead.

Fucking juice.

You spent the next couple of hours feeling absolutely embarrassed for yourself. Why did you spend hours worrying if he was safe when he was out there, gallivanting in public for some stupid noodles?

Both of you could have been absolutely fucked if he wasn’t careful. He may have just jeopardised your entire set up.

But deep down, no matter how much it was annoying to acknowledge, you knew he wouldn’t have. He was smart, strategic.

Why would he do something like this?

How much you were worried scared you. There was no time where it had occurred that maybe you were in danger too. Every possibility you came up with only pushed the thought of him possibly in trouble further into your head.

But the more you spend time overthinking, the more you realised that him being in danger wasn’t the entire cause of your worry.

What if he didn’t come back? Why’d he come back?

He had the means to leave, the will to and clearly was able to go undetected for a while. He didn’t need to return, but he did.

And for what; to give you some food he bought from the dollar store.

He seemed excited about it too, before you had closed the door on his face and decided to spend the next few hours self-destructing.

Fucking ramen.

Maybe if you could just lie there until you decomposed, then you wouldn’t have to have a conversation with him about this. That’s what you would have done a couple of months ago.

But now the idea of communicating had been implanted and implemented several times before. It didn’t feel right to push it away, not when you’d come so far. A chance to heal.

You groaned, shoving a pillow onto your face before getting up grumpily.

Fuck this man and his stupid, healthy methods of coping.

___

You opened the door slowly, creeping into the hallway to assess what he was doing. It had been a few hours of silence in the house. He had given you space, not come knocking on the door to explain himself.

You took note of the kitchen. The table had been laid with two bowls of noodles covered with a plate along with a glass each of juice. It was domestic. Cute.

He was watching Die Hard but the volume was turned down low. If he was anything like you, he wouldn’t have been paying too much attention.

You cleared your throat awkwardly to grab his attention.

His neck craned to look at you, surprise flashing across his face for a second before he leapt up, turning off the TV in an instant.

“Y/N,” he stated as normally as he could.

“Samuel,” your tone was steady.

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Wasn’t sure if you were gonna show up.”

“Neither was I.” You looked at the table, gesturing towards it with your shoulder. “Watchu got there, Gordon Ramsey?”

Because screw him, but the longer you stood there staring at the bowl, you were starting to understand the lengths he went to to get something other than bread, peanut butter and soup. As much as the prospect of being petty thrilled you, you had survived on nothing but them for the past few weeks.

“Got a few packs of ramen and a gallon of juice from the store. Thought you- we deserve somethin’ nice.” You noticed his quick coverup but didn’t acknowledge it. “It’s not Michelin star worthy, but it’ll do.”

You nodded, avoiding looking at him.

“I-”

“Hey-”

Both of you started at the same time, only to be cut off by the other. You mentioned for him to continue.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I should have told you before I left,” You didn’t expect the sincerity that exuded from every word he let out and you found yourself unable to look away. “I’m not used to people worrying about where I go... but things are different now. I won’t do it again.”

You weren’t used to the feeling of lightness that accompanied an apology. Relief.

“Thank you,” you said breathily. His face noticeably brightened. “But why’d you come back?”

His small smile left as soon as it came, as his face fell into a frown. “What?”

“You could have just left. You had the car, the-” you stopped yourself from listing out reasons why he should have. “Why’d you come back?”

He looked completely confused.

“Because I wanted to,” he voiced. “Leaving you behind was never an option. I wouldn’t-”

He trailed off, eyes never leaving yours.

“You’re stuck with me,” he urged softly. “We’re a team.”

You lingered on him longer than you wanted to admit. He wasn’t lying, you had realised.

“Care to join me for dinner?” he asked, extending a hand to you.

You rolled your eyes but took it, feeling the heat creep up your neck. He smirked at you and fuck, he was frustratingly cute.

You understood. You totally understood when you nearly died at the first bite you took, vowing to never take food like this for granted again. It may have been the absolute bare minimum; just the seasoning and noodles he had cooked in the microwave, but it was the best goddamn meal you ever had.

“Good, right?” He looked about as content as he could be.

“Best fuckin’ day of my life.”

He kidded around some more. You choked out a laugh at some, wholly ignored the others to which he took complete offence. You saw it as a way to humble him.

This was the normalcy you had crushed your craving for so long ago, accepting that it wouldn’t ever happen. A normal dinner with someone who made you smile, no impending doom lurking around the corner and maybe a shot at a glimmer of something happy.

It was strange that you found it with another hitman in a safe house, hiding from authorities and who knows what else, with food worth a couple of cents. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

Yet there were things that had to be discussed. Conversations that needed to happen.

“Sam, we need to talk about it.” You didn’t have to explain, he knew what you were talking about.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need to tell you something and I need you to hear me out before saying anything,” you pulled away from him, shuddering at the sudden cold that enveloped you.

“I’m listening.”

“We do,” he agreed, and you could feel the atmosphere in the room begin to shift. “But we don’t have to do it now.”

He reached across from where he was sitting, hesitantly interlacing your fingers. The sense of fluster you experienced wasn’t healthy, you decided.

You just ducked your head, fighting against the damn smile that was trying to make its way onto your face. You didn’t pull away.

“Okay.”

Next part

215 notes · View notes

bbangsoonie · 4 years ago

Text

creker academy

member: eric genre: fluff (ft some angst), fantasy au word count: 6,182 synopsis: after finally triggering your hidden powers, fate lands you at creker academy, a special boarding school meant for shapeshifters. there, you learn how to control your abilities and that opposites do indeed attract.

The day you found out that you were adopted was the day your life fell apart. The secret was hidden from you until your uncle coldly drew the line at your parents’ funeral. He told you that he had no intention of taking responsibility for his brother’s actions and that you were no longer a part of the family.

That was how you ended up living alone in a tiny half-basement studio. You barely managed to afford the deposit and rent with the consolation money you received from the funeral.

Every day, Hyunjoon would come knocking at your door and every day, you would turn him away. It had only been a month since you became independent and the scar of losing your parents was still fresh. You were also too ashamed to face your friends. You didn’t want their pity and so you hid away in isolation.

On the night of your birthday, the pain became too unbearable. Although you aged another year, you were still only a teenager. Granted, you were in your last year of high school but you were still a minor. Having to fend for yourself in this harsh world was too much for you to handle.

As you cried yourself to sleep, you could feel a cold coming. The heat from your headache spread to the rest of your body and you felt yourself burning up.

After you bought some medicine from the pharmacy, you slipped into a deep slumber. Your dreams were wildly vivid. You dreamt of an enchanted forest that enticed you to take refuge in its comfort. There, animals of all species ran free and in harmony. It promised you acceptance and a home.

“It’s time you learn of your identity,” a soft voice spoke.

As soon as the whisper tickled your ears, the entire forest was up in flames. Strangely, you weren’t struck with fear. Rather, you felt empowered.

“Y/n, you need to learn how to control yourself,” the voice warned.

It was only then that you started to panic. The flames were engulfing everything in sight and all the animals were running for their lives.

“Y/n, you have to wake up. Now,” the voice commanded.

With that, your eyes shot open. To your horror, the scene in your dreams reflected the view in front of you. Your house was on fire and you were slowly getting cornered by the heat. Frightened, you look to the door only to see it consumed by the blaze.

“Trust your instincts, Y/n,” the voice in your head cooed. “Let your body take control.”

Bewildered, you had no idea what that meant. All you knew was that you had to get out of there. You squeezed your eyes shut, hoping to think of a solution. When you reopened them, the room seemed to be a lot bigger than normal. At that moment, you saw the window cracked open. It was your only hope.

Your body felt different when you stood up.

“Why am I so short all of a sudden?” you wondered.

You looked down and almost screamed when you saw paws instead of your feet. Except a meow came out of your throat instead.

You didn’t have time to freak out about it. Feeling something hot graze your tail, you jumped up and landed on the window sill. Your innate desire for survival kicked in and you squeezed through the opening to escape.

Once you felt fresh air in your lungs again, you ran. And ran. And ran. You didn’t know why or where you were going, but something in you told you to run. Your legs kept sprinting until they reached the forest that appeared in your dream. They came to a slow stop when you realized where you were.

“What is this place?” you pondered.

“This is the border between our world and the human world,” a woman in white suddenly emerged from the trees. “You are now about to cross into our territory.”

It was the same voice from your dream. Trying to grasp the situation, you opened your mouth to ask a million questions. But again, a meow replaced your voice.

“It’ll be easier for you to transition back once you're on our grounds,” she assured. She bent down and gestured for you to jump into her arms.

Not seeing any other option, you hesitantly took her offer. With you safely in her embrace, she passed through a translucent wall that revealed what looked like a huge campus. Your jaw dropped as you observed your surroundings. There were students walking around the magical place. You saw a girl tending the garden and gasped when her hands hovered above the flowers to revive them.

The woman brought you to an office you presumed to be hers and placed you in front of a mirror. Your shriek came out as a cute yelp and she chuckled.

“I-I’m a cat!” you thought.

“There’s an outfit you can change into once you return to your human form,” she pointed at the black dress neatly prepared on the table.

The second she finished her sentence, you felt a bare sensation. Looking down, you screeched at your naked body. Embarrassed and horrified, you quickly clothed yourself with the dress.

“W-What’s going on?” you asked, relieved to finally hear your own voice again.

“I’m sure you felt different from others your whole life?” she asked. It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

She wasn’t wrong. All your life, you never felt like you fitted in anywhere. Maybe your body knew you were adopted before your mind did and ostracized itself. Or maybe you truly were different. You had weird talents that other kids thought were freaky, making you hide them and become introverted. For instance, you were suspiciously good at starting fires from scratch at summer camp and didn’t feel any pain when your shirt accidentally caught on fire.

“I know this must be shocking to you but you’re special, Y/n. We’ve been waiting for you. Waiting for you to trigger your powers to bring you here,” she smiled.

“My what?” you gaped.

“Your powers. What you just did back at your old house and right now. You’re a shapeshifter, Y/n. A shapeshifter with the element of fire,” she explained.

“I’m a what now?” you scoffed in disbelief.

“Creker Academy is a school and home for students just like you. It’s a place meant to train you how to control your powers. Without our guidance, you’ll lead down a path of self-destruction.”

Baffled by her words, you stared in silence. There was no way any of this was true. Surely this had to be a dream.

“This isn’t a prank or a dream, Y/n. You’ve finally found where you belong,” she clarified.

Belong. You had never felt like you really belonged anywhere. But now, someone was telling you that you belonged with them. That they wanted you there. That they had been waiting for you.

“I understand you must feel overwhelmed. But there are procedures to follow so I’m afraid you will have to begin your tour first. A fellow student will be arriving soon to show you around.”

As if on cue, a boy around your age knocked on the door and came in after receiving the woman’s permission to enter.

“Hello, Headmaster,” he bowed.

“Eric, this is Y/n. Y/n, this is Eric. He will be helping you adjust here,” she introduced.

Eric was bright eyed and eager to meet a new friend. You, on the other hand, were quite reserved and uncomfortable in your new environment.

He was excitedly pointing out the purpose of each room you passed by and rambled on about the social norms of the boarding school. You learned that on top of academics, there were classes on virtues and physical training. And of course, classes that taught you how to properly use and contain your powers.

The use of magic was strictly prohibited inside any and all buildings. Students could practice their skills outside but were forbidden from any acts that could potentially put someone or something at risk. That was the one rule that was rigidly enforced and obeyed.

“So what animal and element are you?” he curiously pried. “I’m a dog with the element of water.”

“I’m… apparently a cat,” you felt ridiculous saying it aloud. “And control fire.”

“Ah, you’re a member of the fire element,” he nodded. “What that means is that your element rivals with mine. Some people see fire elements as hotheaded, impulsive, and extreme. Water elements are sometimes emotional, sensitive, and antisocial. But those are all just stereotypes, of course. Not everyone fits into the standard. I, for one, am very outgoing. And your animal obviously plays a role in your personality. I guess the dog in me overpowers the water.”

You had moved on from the indoor portion of the tour to the outside part. He was showing you the garden you had passed by earlier. It was full of flowers that wouldn’t be in bloom this season in the normal world.

“I’m a strong believer in that there are good traits about each element. For example, fire elements are passionate, inspirational, and expressive. They’re arguably the most fun people you’ll ever meet. Water elements are empathetic, imaginative, and loving. But again, all this is relative and doesn’t accurately describe each person,” he reminded. “The only reason there’s still a stupid feud is because some people love sticking to the status quo and labeling others.”

“What are the other elements? Air and earth?”

“Yup! Air elements are independent, talkative, fickle, and nonconformists. Most likely social butterflies. Earth elements are disciplined, loyal, organized, and judgemental. Oftentimes the leader.”

Eric greeted a male student who was passing by with two other boys. He exchanged smiles with the three of them who offered you a kind nod of acknowledgement.

“That was Sangyeon. He’s a bear. On his left is Jacob, a rabbit. The one on the right is Younghoon, who’s also a dog like me. They’re all earth elements,” he disclosed. “Sangyeon is the class representative of our grade. Definitely fits the leader stereotype.”

You couldn’t get over how thrilled he was to be your tour guide. He was filling you in on even the little details of the social life at the academy. He told you about how transfer students were rare and that it was his first time seeing a new student.

His vibrancy contrasted your somber aura. If he noticed, he didn’t comment on it. He was having too much fun getting to know you.

“Oh! That’s Hyunjae and Juyeon,” Eric suddenly pointed at a pair of boys on a morning run. He waved at the two who waved back before speeding up.

“The one with brown hair is Hyunjae, a wolf and fire element. His real name is Jaehyun but he changed it to Hyunjae once he got to Creker Academy. Juyeon’s the one with black hair and is a cat like you. Except he’s a water element like me,” he grinned. “They’re my best friends. Oh, and this guy named Sunwoo who’s a raccoon with the element of fire. As you can see, water and fire elements can get along fine and well. So don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.”

By the time he was done showing you around, a bell rang and students began to convene inside. Eric explained that the bell was signaling the beginning of classes and brought you to his homeroom.

“Breakfast is buffet style and self served. It’s up to you to wake up and come down to eat. The cafeteria remains open for an hour until that bell rings and we have to get to class,” he said you entered.

Looking around for an empty seat, his face lit up when he spotted one. He sat at his desk and tapped on the one behind him to let you know that it was yours to take.

You still hadn’t processed all that’s happened since dawn. Everything felt like a haze. Nevertheless, you found yourself paying attention when the teacher walked in. He scanned the room to find a new face and smiled when he made eye contact with you.

“Alright, guys. I’m happy to announce that we have a new student that will be joining us starting today,” he beckoned for you to come up to the front of the classroom.

You wanted to shrivel up and crawl into a hole. Feeling your classmates gazes on you, you gulped and began to sweat. You were never a fan of attention. You quickly introduced yourself before rushing back to your seat, eliciting giggles from a few students. Your cheeks heated up and you felt that burning tingle again.

The awkwardness made you transform back into a cat, making your classmates gasp. Their intensified stares made the tips of your fur ignite, alarming the teacher who tried to calm you down.

“Well I guess she’s a fire cat,” a girl snickered.

Eric shot her a glare before leaning in to ask if you wanted him to put the fire out with his water. Not knowing what else to do, you nodded and the next thing you knew, you were drenched.

So much for your first day.

You ran out of the room before you could change back into a human. You fled but didn’t know where to go. You grew anxious, desperately hoping you wouldn’t end up flashing anyone.

“Hey!” someone called out. You turned around to see a male approaching you. Panicking, you dove into a bush.

“You’re the newbie, right?” he asked, taking something out of his bag. He dug out a large t-shirt and a pair of shorts and placed them in front of you. “I usually carry around a spare outfit in case of emergencies. I hope you don’t mind the fit.”

You were still in your animal form so you peaked your head out to look at him.

“My name’s Chanhee. Air element penguin,” he squatted down to meet your eyes. “Everyone’s first day is rough. You’re not the only one who’s had incidents like this so try not to feel so bad about it.”

He stood to go back to class, leaving you to change in privacy once you returned to your normal body. Your hair was still wet as you dragged yourself back to the headmaster’s office.

The headmaster looked at you with pity when you walked in looking worn out. You didn’t have to tell her for her to know what happened.

“How about I show you to your dorm?” she warmly suggested. Anything was better than returning to the classroom.

Due to your late enrollment, you were assigned a single room as opposed to the traditional double rooms. You were glad you didn’t have to go through the process of meeting and getting used to a roommate. It was a small but cozy space and the closet was filled with clothes.

You realized all of your belongings were probably burned down in your old home. Now you really didn’t have anything to go back to.

Before the headmaster left to allow you to settle in, she insisted that you join your classmates for lunch later. You wanted to say that you just wanted to stay in your room but her stern look had you close your mouth.

So you begrudgingly made your way to the cafeteria and gawked at the amount of students packed inside. Feeling them stare at you, you tried to ignore their whispers as you grabbed a tray of food. To your relief, you saw Eric motioning you over and went to go sit down next to him.

His group of friends was fairly large. You saw the boys he had named earlier that day and were surprised to see Chanhee again.

“Hi! I’m Changmin,” one enthusiastically waved. “I’m an air squirrel.”

“Haknyeon, air pig,” another raised his hand.

“My animal is a hamster and my element is water. You can call me Kevin,” the last one smiled.

After shyly exchanging greetings with everyone, you poked at the rice on your plate. The food was undeniably better than the food served at your old school. However, thinking about your old school made your stomach drop as you thought of the friends you left behind. You were sure Hyunjoon was worried sick about you.

“Do you hate water? And have you always hated water? I would assume you don’t like it very much as a cat and fire element,” Changmin looked at you with sparkling eyes that displayed his curiosity.

“Yeah I actually never learned how to swim. I guess that explains why. I never had a reason when my friends asked me about it,” you mused. In hindsight, your unreasonable hatred and fear of water made sense.

“Interesting, interesting,” he nodded.

Like that, the next couple of months flew by. You were put on an intensive program to catch up with your peers and received one-on-one tutoring to help you learn how to shapeshift at will. You could now easily turn into a cat but still had trouble returning to your human form.

To your dismay, you were denied communication with the outside world. The headmaster was very much against risking having the academy and everyone’s identities exposed. Which meant that you weren’t allowed to contact anyone from your previous life.

One good thing was that you were no longer the hot topic of the school. People’s interest in you died down when you didn’t reciprocate theirs.

You grew close to Eric and his group of friends. They were an interesting bunch. Each of them were uniquely chaotic.

Eric was the exact opposite of you. Literally. As a water element dog, his personality contrasted your fiery cat. Everything from your food tastes to fashion style were different. Yet, you felt the most comfortable with him. He brought light into your life and made adjusting to your new school easier.

You were also always at odds with Juyeon. Although you were both cats, he was everything you weren’t. He was sweet but you just didn’t match on so many things. This meant for a very awkward but pleasant friendship.

You got along best with Chanhee. His air side complemented your fire and he quickly became your closest friend. He was both sassy and caring and you appreciated his endless concern and support for you.

Changmin was a wild card. He and Sunwoo wrecked havoc everywhere they went as Younghoon and Haknyeon incited them while Kevin and Jacob were trying their best to prevent them from destroying the campus. Sangyeon and Hyunjae, who were usually busy with student council matters, were the only ones who could calm everyone down but sometimes chose to enjoy the mayhem.

“Did you guys hear the rumors?” Sunwoo bursted through the classroom door panting. “The headmaster is considering an overnight field trip for the seniors!”

Jaws dropped and gasps spread throughout the students. The room was immediately in a buzz as everyone was shocked and excited at the possibility of leaving the sealed territory. It had been 5 years since students were allowed a trip in the outside world.

The homeroom teacher came in and hushed everyone to quiet down. He couldn’t hide the smile that forced its way onto his face after seeing how happy his students looked.

“Is it true we might get a senior trip?” Haknyeon impatiently asked.

“I cannot comment on that. An official announcement will be made later today,” the teacher said.

“That’s not a no!” Younghoon squealed.

True to his words, the headmaster’s voice was heard over the PA system before the dismissal bell. She congratulated the seniors on their hard work and announced that they would be given the opportunity to sign up to spend 3 days and 2 nights on a cruise.

The entire floor of students erupted into cheers and you heard footsteps run across as they barged into classrooms to find their friends and rejoice together. Changmin came into your classroom dragging Kevin and Juyeon behind him.

“Guys, I can’t believe it! It’s been forever since I last saw humans,” Changmin gushed.

“The whole point of us going on a private boat is to ensure that we don’t have any run-ins with humans,” Kevin reminded.

“Yeah but I’m sure we’d pass by them on our way there,” Changmin rolled his eyes.

Sangyeon, Hyunjae, and Jacob strolled in, greeting your group of friends with a nod of acknowledgment. They waited as the rest of you gathered your stuff to leave together.

“Everyone’s going, right? Y/n, you too?” Eric asked.

“Umm,” you hesitated as you looked at their expectant eyes. “I honestly don’t know if it’d be a good idea… I’m still not in complete control over my powers.”

“Aw but Y/n! You can’t miss out on this once in a lifetime trip with all of us!” Sunwoo whined.

“Yeah, it’ll be your last time leaving campus before graduating! Plus, it’ll be your first and last major bonding experience with our class,” Younghoon pouted.

“I know how hard fire can be to control. If you want, I can stay with you and try to help you detect signs of distress before it manifests itself,” Hyunjae offered.

“And I‘ll be next to you to put out any accidents!” Eric beamed.

“You know I always have extra clothes in my bag,” Chanhee added.

You couldn’t say no to the 11 pairs of pleading eyes. They all so desperately wanted you to go with them that it warmed your heart. It hadn’t even been long since you first met them but they always treated you like you were with them from the start.

So you added your name to the list of students and that was how you ended up dragging your suitcase to the giant cruise ship. Haknyeon was bouncing in excitement next to you as the throng of high schoolers slowly made their way inside.

Room assignments were the same as back at the academy, which meant that you were in a single by yourself again. Changmin expressed his envy as Chanhee happily pulled him into their shared room.

Once you were unpacked, you headed to the deck and admired the seascape. The ship was already sailing into the vast ocean and the endless horizon felt so freeing. Leaning on the handrails, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. The salty smell brought back memories of visiting the beach with your parents.

You felt someone join you but didn’t open your eyes. You could tell by their footsteps that it was Eric.

“Enjoying the change in environment?” he asked.

“Makes me a bit nostalgic,” you said as you opened your eyes.

The wind was strong and the waves were violently crashing into the sides of the boat. With the sun glistening in the water’s reflection, you squinted a bit to appreciate the scenery in front of you.

“Isn’t the view so pretty?” you sighed in content. You didn’t notice that he wasn’t looking at the sea. Instead, he was staring at you.

“Yeah. Extremely pretty,” he found himself saying with a soft smile.

To Eric’s slight annoyance, Sunwoo came and tactlessly interrupted the moment to tell you two to meet everyone else at the pool. He was raving about the jacuzzi next to it and eagerly tugged at Eric’s sleeve to hurry him up.

Younghoon was already shoving Hyunjae’s head underwater when you arrived. Jacob waved at you from the chaise lounge and you sat down next to him. Giggling, you watched Sangyeon climb on top of both of them as Juyeon egged him on. Changmin and Chanhee were relaxing in the jacuzzi while Kevin and Haknyeon were piling food on their plates at the snack bar.

Eric was thrown into the pool thanks to Sunwoo’s push and he emerged to the surface screaming and laughing. Using his powers to add more pressure, he splashed Sunwoo with water, who ran off shrieking.

“Do you not like the water as well?” you turned around to face Jacob.

“I don’t necessarily dislike it but I don’t really like it either,” he shrugged. “I don’t mind jumping in if the guys tell me to join.”

“Do you hate the water or are you afraid of it?” Haknyeon asked as he and Kevin took a seat next to you.

“I guess both?” you answered.

“You know, contrary to popular belief, I’m actually not that fond of large bodies of water either,” Kevin said as he offered Jacob a bite of his pizza. “Pretty weird for a water element, huh?”

“Hey, hey, we don’t stick to stereotypes. We are all individuals with personalities and preferences unique to our own character,” Jacob chided.

“Oh how I love confirmation biases,” Haknyeon joked.

You had to admit it was pretty interesting to see how each person matched and defied their element and animal characteristics. It was like taking a personality test and fervently agreeing with the parts that were true and blatantly ignoring the parts that weren’t.

The rest of the day was spent fooling around and playing games. There was never a dull moment with the boys. They were always in high spirits and full of energy.

Even at dinner, your table was the loudest one. Juyeon had been sneakily stealing a few bites of fish off of Haknyeon’s plate, who took great offense when he finally noticed. Meanwhile, Eric was bargaining with Younghoon for his chicken. At the mention of chicken, Hyunjae joined in on the negotiation of the last piece of meat.

So far, you haven't had a risky moment with either your element or animal. You were in complete control and didn’t need guidance—although Chanhee remained by your side just in case. When you made it back to your room to call it a night, you were relieved and proud that the trip was going smoothly without any hiccups.

Perhaps you spoke too early.

In one of the rooms down the hall, a girls’ night had turned awry. One of the girls, a water element, began crying and started a waterflow that got out of hand. The more she panicked and tried to stop it, the higher the water rose. It quickly seeped into the hallway and into other rooms.

With her friends screaming at her to make it stop, it only escalated with a loud whoosh as the door broke open from the pressure. Now in full panic mode, the girls shrieked and realized that the place was flooding from the inside out.

They trudged through the rising water to flee, banging on doors on their way out. Doors swung open as students woke up from the commotion.

By the time Juyeon finally managed to wake Eric up from his deep sleep, the water was nearly up to the bed. The roommates freaked out, wondering what the heck was going on. Juyeon quickly grabbed his bag and hurried Eric to leave.

On their way out, however, they saw that your door was still closed.

“Shit, Y/n can’t swim,” Eric gasped.

“The water’s not that deep yet. Let’s get her out while it’s still walkable,” Juyeon said as he threw his bag down and started walking towards your room.

Meanwhile, you were still sound asleep. You were startled awake by the pounding. When you registered the situation, the fear made you shift into a cat before you could get up and unlock the door. You anxiously glanced at the closed door as the water began to climb up your body.

Outside, Eric felt a pit form in his stomach. Getting worried, he decided to break your door open. With the help of Juyeon, he barely slammed the heavy wood down by mustering up all the strength he had.

“Y/n!” he yelled when he finally saw you.

You were struggling to keep your head above the water and it was getting harder by the second to not breathe in the liquid. He rushed to pick you up and kept you afloat even when he stumbled. The waves were now reaching his chest.

Juyeon transformed into his cat form to swim as Eric trekked through the hall. You were clinging onto him and Eric was holding onto you tightly as well. You could feel him pant and his heart beat fast. Tucked under his arm, you looked up to see beads of sweat falling from his forehead.

Your own heart skipped a beat at the sight. You could tell how much he cared for you. He made you feel wanted. Needed. Important.

You two were polar opposites but still complemented each other so well. He was the optimism you lacked and you were his rock. You kept him grounded and he made you laugh.

When you finally escaped to the deck, Juyeon stepped away to change back into a human and put on clothes. Your friends crowded around you, Younghoon drying you off with a towel and Chanhee placing a clean outfit next to you.

“Alright, everyone, settle down,” the headmaster called out, turning heads. “I’m glad you’re all safely out but it’ll take some time to drain the water. Please calmly stay in groups until we sort everything out.”

Thanks to your months of training, you were now able to sense when your transformation was about to occur. You grabbed the clothes with your mouth and ran off before you could flash anyone. You sheepishly returned wearing one of Chanhee’s pajama shirts and with water still dripping from your hair.

“Y/n!” Sunwoo dramatically whined, jumping you for a hug. Displeased, Eric peeled him off of you and handed you another towel.

“Thanks, Eric,” you smiled. “For… everything.”

“No problem,” he grinned as he ruffled your head.

“Thank God these two got you out safe and sound,” Sangyeon sighed in relief. You apologized for worrying everyone, to which Hyunjae insisted that you had no reason to feel sorry.

Luckily, the next day was not as eventful. A dinner party was prepared for the last night on the cruise and you got to dress up and have fun. You enjoyed a relaxing time in the ballroom with music playing from the speakers and the boys embarrassing themselves on the dance floor.

You giggled as you watched Changmin ask his crush for a dance after Chanhee quite literally pushed his friend to approach her. It was sweet to see both of them all shy in each other’s arms.

Juyeon nudged Eric and nodded in your direction to ask if he was going to ask you to dance as well. When Eric pretended not to know what he was talking about, Sunwoo joined in to tease him.

“Come on, bro. We all know you like her. Just hurry up and make a move already,” Sunwoo snickered.

“Ooh are we talking about Y/n?” Hyunjae came after eavesdropping.

“I hate you guys,” Eric rolled his eyes as he tried to hide his blush.

Learning from Chanhee, Sunwoo shoved his best friend towards you and fled after he bumped into you. Shooting him a glare, Eric silently swore at him with his eyes. He cringed before turning around to face you.

He felt his breath being stolen away when his eyes met yours. You were absolutely stunning. The glimmer of the chandelier shining on your enhanced your features and he found himself lost in your orbs.

From a few tables away, Kevin and Jacob had joined the other three guys to fanboy over the interaction. Juyeon whispered “he’s totally whipped” to Sunwoo who failed to hold back his laughter. Eric, however, didn’t even notice. He was too busy gaping at you.

“Uhh is there something on my face?” you asked, bringing your palm to your cheek. You were slightly self conscious at his intense staring.

“Beauty,” he blurted. Trying to play it cool, he acted confident and ignored the burst of laughter from his friends. You felt your face heat up at his comment and awkwardly coughed as you looked away.

“Y-You look great too,” you stuttered.

On his way to pour himself some more punch, Chanhee loudly told you to just dance with Eric. He passed by and continued to walk towards the drinks without a care as to how flustered he left you two. Your friends were practically doubling over in laughter at this point.

So Eric boldly held your hand and gently guided you to the dance floor. Feeling your body heat up, he applied his cooling powers on you to prevent you from igniting flames.

“I guess we could say there’s a spark between us,” he joked.

The rest of the night flew by in a blur. You hadn’t felt so carefree in so long. For the first time in a while, you weren’t hung up on the past or worried about the future. You simply appreciated the moment as you were living it.

You never expected things to turn out the way it did. With the death of your parents, you lost a lot of things. But your new friends made you feel complete again. They healed you in ways you couldn’t have imagined.

The revelation of your true identity also brought you peace. You no longer felt like the odd one out. Your own powers didn’t scare you and you felt safe learning about them at the boarding school.

However, you began to doubt all of that the second you docked back on land. You were chatting with Eric about his favorite ramen brand when an all-too-familiar voice made you freeze.

“Y/n..?” he carefully called out. He slowly came up to see if it really was you and gasped when he saw that it was.

Eric didn’t know why he suddenly felt uneasy. Maybe it was because an unknown male had made a reappearance in your life or maybe it was because he recognized the way he was looking at you. It was the same way he looked at you as well.

Chanhee, now protective and defensive, slightly pushed you to the back to ask who he was.

“It’s okay, Chanhee. He’s my friend,” you assured, stepping forward.

Juyeon scowled, not liking that you were interacting with people from the human world. It was borderline going against the rules.

“Hey, Hyunjoon. Long time no see,” you timidly greeted.

“Are you kidding me? You disappeared after a fire burned down your house and that’s all you have to say to me?” Hyunjoon fumed.

You winced at the pain evident in his voice. It had hurt you to ignore your best friend and there hadn’t been a day where you didn’t miss him. Guilt-ridden, you were unable to meet his eyes. He took you by surprise by pulling you in for a hug.

“We thought of the worst, Y/n,” he murmured. “I forgive you for going M.I.A. on me. It’s okay. Everything’s fine as long as you’re here.”

You choked back tears but couldn’t stop one from falling down your cheek. You heard the headmaster gathering the students to get on the bus back home and knew that you didn’t have much time before you had to leave him again. Sangyeon patted you on the shoulder and ran ahead to ask the headmaster for leniency.

“I-I have to go soon,” you stammered as you broke away from his embrace.

“Go where? You’re not coming back home?” Hyunjoon asked.

“I… have a new home now,” you gulped. “I can’t tell you where and I can’t promise that I’ll be able to see you again. But I’ve missed you. I still do.”

“Are you safe?” he whispered after staying silent for a bit. “Are you happy?”

You took a glimpse of your group of friends that was unconvincingly pretending to not listen to the conversation. It almost made you chuckle despite the situation.

“Yeah,” you trailed off. “I’m doing well, Hyunjoon. And I hope the same for you. I’m sorry.”

“Then that’s all that matters,” he forced a smile as he hugged you one last time. “Bye, Y/n.”

“Bye, Hyunjoon.”

It pained you to see him watch you walk away. Your heart broke with each step you took. On the ride back to the forest, you stared out the window. Eric, sitting next to you, softly squeezed your hand to offer you some comfort.

“I made the right choice, right?” you asked, leaning on his shoulder.

“Do you regret it?” he cautiously asked.

You thought about it. You definitely missed Hyunjoon and all of your other old friends. You also definitely felt bad that you left them behind without a word and still couldn’t provide an explanation. But at the same time, you’ve grown to love your new school and new friends. You no longer had to be on edge without even knowing the reason why. Creker Academy made you feel confident. The boys made you feel accepted. Eric made you feel loved.

“No,” you answered with certainty. “Not at all.”

a/n: for the eric to my sunwoo, @sohnhorizon

181 notes · View notes

chibimyumi · 4 years ago

Photo

Redesign Prompt RESULTS!

Alright, thank you everyone who has voted, the results are now in! Overwhelmingly our winner is Ranmao 🐈!

First of all, I need to insert a few caveats here. Unlike with Victorian fashion, I do not have years and years of studying of Qing dynasty-fashion behind me. So whatever results I show here are the product of a fortnight of reading up and meticulous studying of contemporary photographs. a.k.a. I am merely scraping the surface here. But! I do promise that everything shown here is done to the best of my ability to be responsible as a content provider.

Now without further ado, let us dive into Ranmao’s current design, the blatantly obvious inaccuracies, and how I propose to redes...ign... her outfit while keeping the original intact as much.... as possible???? Heck, this is not even worthy of being called a ‘redesign’, this is straight up designing from scratch!

Hair

Let us start with her bangs. Her bangs are in fact surprisingly accurate, as late Qing dynasty women would wear their bangs in a variety of Bettie bangs trimmed well above the eyebrows. Having sides of the bangs growing longer framing the face was usual too, though they would be cut slightly thicker than Ranmao’s. Though, we don’t know how much hair Ranmao has, so I see no reason to alter it.

Twin braids are very much associated with the “China doll look”, but they seem to have been branded into our image of the “Chinese Girl” because it was the go-to look for unmarried women in Republic China (which is many years later than Ranmao’s time, and also has more surviving images.)

In Ranmao’s time, unmarried girls would either wear the bottom part of their hair down, or have everything tied into a single braid behind them. Girls who preferred a more feminine look would often decorate the sides or the top with flowers or other ornaments depending on their wealth.

Yana’s notes say that the flower in Ranmao’s hair is a Chinese peony, which is also called the Empress of Flowers in Chinese as well as Japanese culture. I could find sources on how the peony was the symbol of the Empress of China, and how one better avoid wearing any type of peonies around the Empress herself for fear of being suspected of disrespect. But I could not find any evidence of such flowers being banned for other people, so presumably it was more an ‘unwritten code of politeness’ rather than fashion law.

Hence, I kept the pink peony design for Ranmao, and decorated them in the way Qing women would have.

Neckline

By far the most interesting thing I learned from this redesign attempt was that the “mandarin collar” - the thing that pops up first in most people’s minds when thinking about Chinese fashion - was in fact not at all common.

In this academic work on Chinese fashion history, Finnane writes that the ‘high collar’ was “not a common feature of costume before the twentieth century.” Instead, most costumes would have had a round neckline.

Finnane, Antonia. Changing Clothes in China : Fashion, History, Nation. New York: Columbia University Press, 2008. p. 93

The ‘high collar’ gained popularity in early 1900s in China after the Europeans brought with them the beauty standard for high collars, as well as slim-fitted silhouettes. The Chinese increasingly adopted this type of collar and the slim silhouette (the well known ‘china dress/qipao/cheongsam’), and the relatively many early photos that survived helped engrave this stereotype into our minds.

Sleeves

I do not think it requires any mention, but 19th century Chinese fashion did not include boleros... For many of the original designs of Ranmao I can sort of see where Yana got that image from, but this bolero-look truly beats me.

The sleeves worn in the late Qing period were relatively wide, though they were starting to slim down over time. Late Qing women enjoyed much more flexible clothing rules than earlier Qing women, and the width of the sleeves was in great part determined by personal preference, season, but mostly one’s wealth.

Needless to say, the larger the sleeves the more fabric and embroidery it would require, and thus more expensive. Also, the wider the more it would get into the wearer’s way.

I don’t know how much thought Yana put into Ranmao’s original design in relation to her function as elite bodyguard, but considering how the original has zero practicality and only serves to maximise Ranmao’s attractiveness, I have no qualms about giving Ranmao fairly large sleeves too. Besides, let us assume that Lau is responsible for providing Ranmao with clothes. Illegal money tends to fill the pockets quite deeply, I don’t think he can’t spare a few pounds for big sleeves.

Wider sleeves would expose much of ‘a lady’s precious skin’, as such a more fitted layer would have been worn underneath. (The sleeves under the wider sleeves obviously did not have to be orange-ish. This was merely coincidence that both my redesign and the visual source have this colour.)

Silhouette

The figure hugging silhouette x Chinese clothes was - as mentioned above - not at all a thing in Ranmao’s time. In fact, the accentuation of the “female curves” was considered very inappropriate if not downright ugly in the Qing dynasty.

Finnane, Antonia. Changing Clothes in China : Fashion, History, Nation. New York: Columbia University Press, 2008. p. 94

Yana’s notes mention that the thing Ranmao wears is just an European corset and that that is the only thing ‘English’ about her attire.

Well... I don’t know where the idea that Victorians wore corsets on the outside comes from, but I myself admittedly was fooled by this a few years ago too... I promise you all now however, Victorians decidedly did not wear their ‘bras’ on the outside. I think even now this look is considered rather ‘questionable’ by most people.

Instead, Qing dynasty clothes were mostly cut wide and straight, loosely dangling around their bodies offering maximum comfort and space. You feared Ranmao killing you in her corset? Now tremble before her now blessed with maximised agility.

Trousers

Well... I considered ‘translating’ Ranmao’s attire to 2020 standard like I did for O!Ciel, but that would not be Tumblr-filter approved. Skirts so short they could be mistaken for a belt are nothing too surprising today, but wearing one with a split that deep is probably a bit too revealing even by today’s standards.

By the late Qing dynasty, men and women, rich and poor alike predominantly wore trousers. Long robes (skirts) were definitely in fashion too, but they were reserved for those who could afford to not have much agility. If you were a farmer, robes would not have been your first option. Perhaps the way long skirts were viewed by the Qing Chinese was not unlike the way we see them now; ‘more classy’ ‘more feminine’ and ‘less convenient’, but not the only way to express femininity.

In these pictures below we can see relatively rich women, married and unmarried alike, all wearing trousers.

Ranmao is predominantly a fighter, and as trousers are plenty feminine in Chinese fashion culture, I don’t see why she would not choose to wear trousers instead of a restricting long skirt. Hence I gave her a pair of trousers.

Shoes

Like I said before, “the shoes are correct...” But the anklets definitely are not!

Golden or silver anklets are something that are worn by very, VERY young children in China. Even to this day it is customary among many Chinese people to gift newborn children at least one piece of pendant, bracelet or anklet, for it is believed to bring the child luck. More practically, this piece of jewellery will become the child’s first piece of property then, which can be sold later SHOULD they ever run into a financially difficult situation.

These anklets or bracelets would not be removed from the child unless they have outgrown them, which happens fairly quick. Ranmao who is probably full grown should have outgrown them at least ten years ago. Hence, seeing these things on Ranmao would probably make it look like she is still wearing diapers or bibs.

Chinese people would likewise not have worn shoes barefoot. Instead, they would have worn cotton socks which were mostly white.

DOUBLE HAMMERS

HERE COME THE WEAPONS! Luckily Yana wrote the following note or I would never have guessed what they are for my knowledge about Chinese weapons is next to nothing.

“These are【SUPER】heavy. They are weapons called 双錘 (double hammers) and they in fact exist. I heard these were used by power-type warriors.”

So, I googled 双錘 and it turns out that the type Ranmao is holding do indeed exist! But... only in fiction and theatre.

The hammers that were used in actual combat were either very thin and long, or short and plump. Such hammers were one of the most primitive metal weapons in China, and quickly fell out of favour among Chinese warriors when more practical weapons such as the metal spear, sword and bows were invented. The hammers mostly retained their value because of their weight in heroic tales and myths about legendary warriors and deities.

I don’t have the full details, but apparently according to some legends or myths, one of such big-ass hammers could deal a force of 200kg, and thus 400kg combined. Regardless of this being realistic or not, it sure does sound very cool! It is therefore no wonder this primitive weapon retains its popularity even today.

Nowadays when these hammers are used, they are either the blown up theatrical versions, or the smaller versions for the sake of preserving martial arts.

I had a bit of a dilemma as to which version to give Ranmao, but in the end I settled with the short and heavy ones because I wanted to keep the idea of this small and innocent looking girl wielding solid metal balls. Two cheer-leading sticks would simply not have the same weight, figuratively and literally.

Alright everyone! Did you enjoy my response to your votes? I hope you did ^^ Non-European fashion history really is not my strong suit, so my deepest apologies if I messed anything up.

Pray tell if I did, I am always happy to learn ^^

#Ran mao #ranmao #ran-mao #redesign #redesign prompt #art #my art #fan art #fanart #fan-art #Chinese clothes #UGGHGHHGHG non-European fashion REALLY is not my strong suit #BUT I learned a lot and I had fun!

1K notes · View notes

jonthethinker · 4 years ago

Text

I imagine that, for most of her life, Beauregard Lionett has been the living embodiment of a clenched fist.

The life she could have had, had her father not been the man he was, had he not lay the full weight of his expectation and vision and above all paranoia on the slender shoulders of his only daughter, is a question worth exploring. Beau in the present is full of energy and always craves activity and stimulus, and it’s not hard to imagine that’s how she was as a child; many a grass-stained dress, I’m sure, and I tend to think she was the sort of kid to dig holes just to see what she could find, curiosity unbounded even at an early age.

If her energy had been redirected instead of squashed, if her curiosity had been rewarded instead of reprimanded, if her cleverness had been sharpened instead of scolded, Beauregard Lionett may have been on the path to become the most renown vintner in all of Wildemount. But instead what her future held in store for her was white knuckles.

The picture painted by the wonderful Marisha Ray of the life of Young Beau is one of a desperate fight for agency, and denial and defeat in this quest at every turn. With her bright mind, she attempts to create a new path for the family brand to take, but is rejected outright by her father. So what does Beau do in response? In typical Beau fashion, she says fuck you and begins to bootleg the family wine right under her father’s nose. I think this was in part to obviously get one over on her father, but also to prove to herself that she could in fact sell the wine better. This is a feature of Beau’s personality that pops up over and over; her need to prove to herself and others her own value. I have no doubt that Young Beau tried so hard to impress her contacts in the small world of underground wine bootlegging, just to get some sort of validation or affirmation, and no doubt that this was used against her again and again, her nails digging ever deeper into her palms.

Of course her father finds out, and she is cast away; exasperated that his daughter isn’t planted firmly under his thumb like any good heir would be, he ships her off to the Cobalt Soul, where perhaps they can teach her some discipline, all the while believing that it was her that failed him and not the other way around.

In some respect, no crueler fate could have been bestowed on Beau than to end up at the Cobalt Soul, and I’ll explain why. Beau at her core is a bright, energetic, curious person. If Beau had been given the actual choice to go to the Cobalt Soul of her own will on the onset of her teenage years she would have jumped at the chance. Learning and fighting and exploring are the sort of thing Young Beau would have loved. But she is forced to go, after being ostensibly disowned by her family, all the while knowing that to all her potential mentors, the label of Problem Child is dangling from her neck; she was not sent there as a budding mind to be fostered and cultivated, but as a problem to be solved.

She pays attention to her classes, but she can’t afford to show any enthusiasm, or else she’s admitting defeat; Beau always loses on her own term, and at this point she was very used to losing. The tension in her shoulders builds and builds as she contemplates how poorly all the monks must think of her, her behavior getting worse and worse just so she has some sort control over her life; she can’t help but be the chained up dog she is, but goddammit you’re going to know she’s there. That she can do. And finally the thrashing against the chain causes it to break, and she realizes she can leave, and so she bolts, and doesn’t stop running until she slams full speed into the Mighty Nein.

Beau is my favorite character for many reasons, but a big one is that she plays into the archetype of “Character Who Cares So Much But Can’t Afford To Show It”, only matched in my heart by “Character Who Can’t Even Begin To Hide How Much They Care”, ironically also played to by Marisha Ray in the form of Keyleth.

From the moment we meet her in the tavern with Jester and Fjord, it is clear upon reflection that she already cares so much. She stuck to those two like peanut butter on bread almost immediately, and it becomes very clear when you discover how afraid she was that they were going to leave her behind. For her entire life, all Beau wanted to be was acknowledged and accepted, to not be so goddamn alone all the time. And here was her chance to have that, and so she held on like her life depended on it. In some ways, it did.

I don’t think the tightness of her spiritual fists really loosened until Nicodranas. Before that the Doubt was always there that the rest of the Nein would come to grips with how much of a problem she really was and get rid of her, and who could blame them in her eyes; she was just someone who didn’t fit, and that was her fate. But they didn’t. As time went by they just seem to pull her closer. And then the Iron Shepards happened, and that’s when she knew for sure; she loved these people, and there was nothing she wouldn’t do for them.

And then... Mollymauk dies, and it forces Beau to reckon with the ugly bitterness she had allowed to consume her mind, and that she had more options than breaking. She could be a builder. She could build something good. With the Mighty Nein by her side, she could do anything, even be good. They arrive at that beach in Nicodranas, the grief of losing Molly easing on her heart, and for the first time in her entire life, she feels safe, lightness replacing her usual heaviness, her shoulders relieved of their usual tension, and finally she can, for a moment or two, go to that place in her mind the Monks always talked about.

But after a long period of security, her hands form that familiar shape again at the prospect of her worst fear coming to fruition; slowly losing the Nein. Nott was going to get her body back, and was possibly going to go back to her family. Which makes sense; it’s why she is here in the first place. But it reintroduces the idea that the family she’s built for herself could slowly come apart as each of its members finish their quest and find their place. But the Nein is Beau’s quest, it is her place.

Suddenly they’re back in Kamordah, and her old wounds seem to get torn back open all at once, and Beau loses her footing, spiritual eyes clenched, shoulders tight, and fists balled up, bracing herself for what surely had to follow. They meet the Hag, an awful creature who preys on misery, who was feeding on Nott, Beau’s chosen sister, and she wanted a deal to free her, to replace misery with misery. And things began to click into to place. This is what this was all building up to, wasn’t it? This is what it was all for. Molly was there to teach her that she could do good, and here was her chance. All it would cost is everything. Everything she never deserved. She was going to go back to losing on her terms, just as it should have always been.

One unexpected Cupcake later, and that idea of martyrdom is entirely thrown out the window. This is the part of the movie where the record scratches. This was not at all how things are supposed to go. Things were supposed to fall apart. And now the newly returned Veth has her doubts about putting the Adventurer’s Life behind her. And Cad’s family is saved and home restored and he’s decided to stick around anyway. WHAT IS GOING ON?!! Here Beau was matching the pairs in hand thinking she was playing Poker only to be playing Uno all along.

I have no idea where Beau’s head is right now, but she seems to be sliding back into the Beau we’re so proud of. I don’t know if this is just the calm before Marisha rips all of our hearts out, or if Beau has just decided to enjoy the Mighty Nein for what it is while she has it. But I know her knuckles have some color again, and for that I’m grateful.

#Critical Role #Beauregard #Beauregard Lionett #cr spoilers #the mighty nein #Marisha Ray #long post

582 notes · View notes

angelanimedesaray · 4 years ago

Text

Wings in the Dark Chapter 5: Camaraderie

AN: More Cat and Mouse. I swear its gonna start to crescendo, guys, we’re almost there XD There’s just so much to establish!

Characters: Fem!Vampire!Reader, Levi, Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld

Pairing: (Eventual) Levi x Fem!Vampire!Reader

Warnings: Language, Loneliness, Depressed Thoughts

Word Count: 8146

<----Previous Chapter Masterlist Next Chapter---->

*Reader’s POV*

While it wasn’t the most shocking thing that had ever happened to you, being instated as a member, but not technically a member, of the Special Operations Squad was definitely up there on your list of most surprising things that had happened to you. The weird in-between position they gave you to try and mediate how unprecedented it was to have a rookie join Levi Squad after just one expedition may have been a glorified lackey, but it was still a position with Captain Levi’s Squad.

Of course, right now, that consisted of doing the menial chores, message delivery, and other small tasks like that, but you were still a part of the team. They’d only given you this aid position they’d made on the spot because you were so new, and it did a decent job of putting you at the bottom of the food chain until you were more seasoned. However, you were still considered part of Captain Levi’s Squad--you had your own private chambers and everything, which meant you wouldn’t have to worry about not waking up anyone while you snuck out of the barracks every once in a while to get something to eat.

Also, now that you were officially being placed with a squad, you knew what people you had to try and made friends with. Before you’d been hesitant--sure, you understood that the Scouts operated in a way that was going to make teamwork and camaraderie important, so you were going to have to be more social, but you still wanted to be careful about who you let get close. You still had an instinct to keep everyone at an arm’s length besides those you /had/ to keep close, which you had rationalized would include whoever you were put under and the rest of your squad.

While you’d known Levi was watching you and the rumors had been running rampant that a rookie would be joining his squad, you’d been well aware that he wasn’t watching you because he wanted to add you to the group--he was suspicious of you. That sparring match you’d had with him had tipped him off, and he hadn’t relented in his pursuit ever since then. In fact, when he’d told you that you were going to be a part of his squad, he didn’t look entirely pleased about it. Sure, Captain Levi was usually hard to read and usually appeared distant or unapproachable, but the look in his eyes had been...colder. It made you suspicious that having you on the squad had not been his decision, or at the very least it had been one he’d made despite his reservations.

Keep your enemies close, right?

Once it was on the table that this might be a position meant solely as an excuse to keep a closer eye on you, it made your skin crawl, and you approached every situation with caution. You had to watch every step, like you were walking across a tightrope and would drown if you slipped and fell into the waters down below.

When you’d joined the Scouts, you knew that it was going to be difficult to balance being a Scout with hiding your true nature, but this was far beyond what you had expected. It made you dearly wish that you had thrown that match back on the training grounds, that he’d never gotten a sense that you were hiding something so fiercely.

Soon, you were going to be kept up at night with an internal struggle to either stick it out and try to endure so you could do what you came here to do, or if you should just take off and slink back into the shadows.

But you couldn’t bear the thought of going back to that life, as much as it might have been ‘safer’ in a way. You wanted desperately to be here--but did you want it bad enough that you were going to throw all caution to the wind, risk the Captain getting too close to your secret. In the past, before you’d joined the military, you’d killed the people who came too close to exposing you. But that wasn’t an option, here. You knew how valuable Captain Levi was to the Scouts--humanity couldn’t afford to lose him, so you couldn’t afford to touch him. Your only choice was to play this god forsaken cat and mouse game and pray that you came out on top.

Thankfully, the other members of the squad weren’t aware of the cat and mouse you and Levi were caught up in--not yet, anyway. Though they were understandably confused and even a little irritated at the inclusion of a still-green rookie, even if it was as an aid. Maybe the aid position caused a bit more tension, because a new position had been created just so you could be added to the group.

Give it time, you told yourself as you continued cleaning your private room that had been assigned to you, currently working on cleaning the desk off until it had a polished shine to it. Even if Levi hadn’t added you to the squad because he necessarily wanted you here, you were still going to prove that you could belong here, if they would let you.

“Did you finish with the stables?”

“Yes, sir. Mucked out, equipment cleaned, horses fed, watered, and brushed, shoes cleaned, all of it.”

“What about cleaning inside, have you done all the tasks you were assigned?”

“All except what Oluo asked me to do. I haven’t got there yet."

"Well, get to it. And when you're done come down to the training grounds for some training."

"Yes, sir!"

As you walked away from Eld, your ears picked up on a passing comment he made to Gunther when he thought you were out of earshot.

“Is it just me, or is it frustrating how easily and quickly she tends to get all of her tasks done? I can’t even find anything wrong with it, so I can’t claim she’s rushing through it!”

"You too? I thought it was just Oluo complaining about that."

Just as you'd suspected. The others weren't pleased with your easy access to this position. They weren't going to say anything because they trusted Levi’s judgement and as far as they knew it was his decision, but that didn't mean they weren't going to be at least a little irritated. How long had it taken before they'd been added to Levi’s squad? How many expeditions, how much hard work? By all accounts, it looked like you'd had smooth and effortless sailing into a position among the elite.

The fact they kept having you do the shit chores was just a way to kick you back in the dirt and remind you that you were still a rookie, and they were the veterans with experience.

However, you didn't complain. You could do the jobs faster than anyone without loosing accuracy because of it. Not to mention you felt it might be cathartic for their frustrations. Though, now it seemed they had a new reason to be frustrated.

You'd tone it back to appease them, but Levi already knew what your full effort looked like with the cleaning jobs--he'd know you were holding back, and you highly doubted he'd appreciate that when it came to cleaning, knowing his standards.

Quickly, you made your way back inside and up to Oluo's chambers, stopping outside the door and giving a firm knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's L/N, you said you had a job for me to do?"

"It's about time you showed up. Get in here!"

After he'd officially invited you inside, you opened the door, stepping inside and expecting to see paperwork or supplies or something else you would have to deliver or put away.

Nope. Oluo was standing there with cleaning supplies presented in the middle of the room. You immediately knew where this was going, and even you could tell it wasn't going to end well.

"Start cleaning, rookie. I've got more important things I have to get done, and I want it shining by the time I get back," Oluo ordered, complete with a puffed out chest.

You were supposed to follow their orders without question, but you knew Oluo was taking advantage of that fact. Maybe he was hoping having you clean his quarters before Levi inspected them later today would help him look better to the Captain. But you were also certain that Levi would recognize that it was your work and not Oluo's

For Oluo's sake, since you were certain he would be the one getting in trouble, you pushed back slightly.

"Doesn't Captain Levi prefer if we clean our own spaces?" You asked as you picked up the broom. Oluo turned by the door, fixing you with the imitation of an expression befitting a superior who'd just heard a subordinate talk back.

"Huh? How long have you been here, rookie, compared to me?" Oluo challenged. You shrugged, turning back to the cleaning supplies and the room you were supposed to clean.

His funeral.

The window was open to let in natural light and try to chase away the gloomy atmosphere in your room, silence filling the space except for the birds outside and the scratching against the paper you were currently drawing on. Your eyes, however, were unfocused, looking past the piece you were drawing and instead getting lost in the sea of your depressed thoughts.

For three years you’d been back among people, mingling and being a part of society, but never had you felt so...ostracized. You were among people, but you weren’t close to anyone. Your peers thought you were a haughty perfectionist ice queen and were irritated by how easily everything came to you, Captain Levi was suspicious that there was something you were hiding and was watching your every move with a coldness in his eyes, and your new squad mates were currently using you as the gopher to dump all the chores they didn’t want to do onto you while giving you examining, dubious looks from a distance trying to figure out why you were even here.

You sat alone at meals, you didn’t go anywhere on your days off--the closest thing you had to a companion were the horses, and most of them were still frightened by you.

You wanted to be here, but...it was getting so hard just to be here. Was it really worth it if you were going to spend your days feeling like this?

On the paper spread out in front of you, you had a picture drawn from the mental image in your mind’s eye--a single flower in a barren spot surrounded by lush field. The sun shone everywhere else, but this single spot was cast in shadow. Despite the barren ground and the lack of sunlight, the flower was trying to bloom, partially budded, some petals trying to uncurl, but ice covered it’s petals and held prisoner it’s stem, restraining it in the icy chill, needing assistance but nothing around it willing or able to help.

You put down what you were drawing with, a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes as you headed over to your bed and stretched out on top of the neatly made covers, arms digging under the pillow you buried your face in before tears could overflow.

You were surrounded by people, but you’d never felt so lonely, and you wanted it to change. Even though you’d signed up for this and known it would be difficult, you couldn’t take living like this anymore. Something had to change. You didn’t know how you were going to keep your secret while trying to let people in enough to form bonds, but it was the only real option that you had.

The guys were all dubious of you, you could tell from overheard conversations and the looks in their eyes, but Petra...well, you thought if you were going to start trying to build a friendship somewhere, she might be the one to go to. She’d been a bit more...open, about the whole arrangement, and she was actually asking for help and trying to get a feel for you while everyone else seemed to be going out of their way to remind you that you were at the bottom of the food chain right now.

Starting tomorrow...you were going to try and be a companion and hopefully manage to find some friendship. Starting with Petra.

*Petra’s POV*

The mess hall was noisy as ever, making it a little surprising that Captain Levi was still sitting with them at the table after repeating the lecture he'd given Oluo later about doing his own cleaning. Now that Oluo had attempted to have the rookie clean his space and then pass it off as his own, the rest of them got to get the warning to do their own responsibilities without shoving them all off on the new girl.

Petra had felt bad that she seemed to be getting all the crap jobs nobody wanted to do and then some while the others seemed determined to make sure she knew her place, but she hadn't said anything because not once had the woman complained or looked the least bit upset by it. Until today, Petra had been unsure how to even approach her, something about her making her seem closed off and unreachable.

However, today she had approached Petra, quietly asking Petra if she would teach her the nuances for how everything was cleaned around here. Preferences of soaps and organization, what went where and the like. You could clean till everything shone like a new coin, bur preferences had to be taught or learned. She'd been aware of it, and she had been humble enough to approach Petra for answers.

It was only when she was approached that Petra suddenly realized how alone the woman seemed. She never ate with them--in fact she was certain she ate alone--and she was never seen around anyone from her years as a cadet, she didn't seem to leave headquarters to visit family, and if you needed to find her she was either alone in her room or with the horses in the stable. She was never with someone unless she was doing her job.

The thing that made Petra realize all this was how she was approached. The woman shifted her weight, a white knuckle grip on the broom in her hand despite visible restraint, her eyes fixed down and to the side, a slight tremble in her hand and a hunch of her shoulders like she was anticipating some negative reaction, or at least reluctance.

It wasn't right. She was part of their squad, and it was their job to make sure she felt included. Captain Levi must have felt that she was ready on some level to be here, and they were her comrades. At the very least, she should have a place among them--she shouldn't be so alone.

So, while everyone else was chatting as usual around the table, Petra kept an eye out for their new squad member. It took a while, but when the woman finally appeared and left the line to get her food, Petra attempted to catch her attention without the others noticing.

They locked gazes, and Y/N hesitated before she approached their table, making the others look up as she came astride the table.

"May I sit here?" she asked hesitantly, gaze flickering around at the others and lingering briefly on Captain Levi at the head of the table.

"Of course," Petra said instantly, gesturing to an empty seat beside her and flashing a look at the others daring them to disagree while Y/N was taking her seat. "It's about time you started sitting with your squad."

Her cheeks tinged pink in mild embarrassment, Y/N took a few bites of her meal, clearly uncertain about what to do next.

Well, if everyone else was just going to sit here in awkward silence, and Y/N wasn’t going to take the initiative because she wasn’t sure how, Petra would just have to do it herself.

“So, where are you from?” Petra asked her. It was probably the best, simple answer to get the ball rolling on conversation.

“A small town in Wall Rose--it tends to get overlooked, and it's usually quiet around there except the occasional scandal.”

“Do you have much family back home?”

“No, it’s just me.”

The way she said it was short, clearly ending the topic there, but she managed to not make it sound mean--just that she wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about it, which made sense. Petra continued to chat with her, asking simple questions to try and learn more about her, basing some off her observations of the woman--like if she was good with animals. Apparently animals weren’t always that fond of her, but she had a soft spot for them despite some animals distaste of her. She thought she might be good with cats or birds, but hadn’t really had the opportunity to test her theory out.

After a bit of back and forth between Petra and Y/N about their lives and learning about one another, the others started to join in as well--aside from Captain Levi, who seemed content to just focus on his meal and listen while everyone talked around him. As the conversation flowed a little more naturally, Y/N started to loosen up and relax, taking charge of the conversation a few times to ask about the others as well as she bloomed from a closed off background character in a novel to a more outgoing and engaging individual. It was quite the change to witness. She still withdrew into herself with more personal questions, especially about her past before joining the Scouts, which gave Petra the impression that the Scouts were a sort of fresh start for the woman. She shared with them why she’d joined the Scouts, which none of them could deny was a valid enough reason after seeing her in action. She had skill, and if she wanted those skills to be put to use, the Scouts were arguably the best place for them, and the faction of the military with the strongest need for them. Besides, who didn’t want to feel useful? Unfortunately, many Scouts died, and some died so quickly it was easy to wonder if their deaths ever had any meaning to begin with, if it had been worth it. However, Petra had the feeling this one wasn’t going to be one of those recruits that appeared and disappeared without ever leaving much of a mark. She just might be around for a while, especially if she was going to take the time to learn from the elites she’d been placed with and stayed grounded, level-headed, and smart.

As the questions drifted away from the personal, in part because of Y/N’s continued reluctance to delve too deeply into the personal, they started peppering her with the twenty-questions kinds of inquiries. What were her likes and dislikes, favorites, hobbies, fears, aspirations, that kind of thing. Some she was able to answer relatively quickly, even if it wasn’t simple, such as having no clear favorite because she liked so many, and other times she hesitated, such as when she was asked aspirations, because she hadn’t given it much thought, being so focused on this current stage of her life.

“What about biggest fears?”

“Oluo!” Petra protested, giving him a dirty look. They were all eating, and this question alone could get extremely dark considering the horrors they faced every day outside the wall.

“What? It’s a legitimate question. Some people are scared of spiders, others heights--though you don’t get much of that one in the military, I think--it could be all kinds of things.”

"I think the answer to that is a little too morbid for dinner conversation," Y/N said with a slightly weak smile, which made Petra think it might actually be something to do with Titans. If it was, it was probably best they didn’t hear it, just in case.

"Nah, it's fine, we're sharing--so what is it? Fire? Dolls? Dead fish?" Oluo asked cheekily.

"Um...being buried alive, actually," Y/N answered, looking down and picking at her food.

"Damn, that is a pretty scary thought. Wasn't expecting that one," Oluo muttered. Petra wasn’t paying attention to him--she was reading Y/N’s body language, how she’d seemed to withdraw into herself and her hand was trembling as she pushed around the food left on her plate. It was most likely at the thought of this fear of hers, if Petra had to guess. The mental imagery alone was terrifying.

At the other end of the table, Levi was staring at Y/N intently, having noticed the same things, and a little more.

“Now that Oluo has officially tried to sabotage the evening, let’s try some gossip: I hear you had a knack for sneaking out in the Cadet Corps and never got caught. What were you doing? I’ve heard some interesting theories,” Gunther said with a perceiving glint in his eyes. Y/N sighed even as everyone’s attention centered on her.

“God damn those rumors are going to follow me for the rest of my life, aren’t they?” she mused, not denying that she snuck out as she took a slow drink.

“Well, Rookie? Care to share?” Oluo asked as she sat down her drink.

She turned to look at the rest of the group, and then with an unreadable expression and in a completely deadpan tone, stated, "I strip naked in the pale moonlight and conduct blood rituals to achieve perfection."

There was a heartbeat, and then snorts, chuckles, a ripple of amusement through the group at the joke.

"Rookie's got a sense of humor," Oluo mused.

Y/N’s lips quirked towards a half smile, taking another drink. "Wish I could say the same for you."

There was a bit more laughter this time, even as Oluo scowled, no one bothering to hide their amusement at the comment.

"And some snark, to boot," Gunther snickered as Oluo sulked. “But really, though, what were you doing?”

Y/N sighed, setting down her drink again. “It wasn’t...actually, you know what,” she said with a sparkle in her eye and a mischievous smile. “I hear there’s a pot for the theories. Place bets on it, maybe one day I’ll actually tell you. Maybe I won’t.”

“Oh, come on,” Oluo complained loudly.

“Now that’s just mean,” Petra said with a cluck of her tongue and a shake of her head while Y/N settled back down, visibly proud of her teasing.

Caught up in their banter and companionable discussion, no one noticed how at the head of the table, laid back in his chair, Levi showed no sign of amusement, his gaze fixated on Y/N with a sharp, cold look.

*Reader’s POV*

After you’d taken your first steps towards developing a warmer relationship with your squad mates, things started to go a bit easier for you. You were still at the bottom of the food chain, and the responsibilities as an aid hadn’t changed, but you didn’t think you were getting as much shit dumped on you. It probably helped that Captain Levi had apparently given them a lecture about doing their own chores instead of getting lazy and shoving them all off on her.

For the most part, it was Petra that you were getting close to. The others were becoming cordial, and you had even approached Eld asking him if he could give you lessons on ODM gear technique after hearing he was quite skilled at utilizing the ODM gear. That seemed to have helped the relationship there--frankly, whenever you showed a bit of humility about still having a lot to learn, they warmed up a bit more.

It seemed there had been concerns that you would be an arrogant big headed pain in their asses with how quickly you’d shot into the elite squad, and showing them that you still considered yourself in a learning position and not above anyone helped assuage those fears.

Captain Levi...was as suspicious of you as ever. Except now you were around him enough to feel the chill in his gaze even after you left his presence. That was a relationship you weren’t sure you were in a position to improve. You’d given him plenty of reasons to be suspicious of you, but you were still trying your damnedest not to give him a reason to mistrust you. Maybe it would just take time to prove yourself in his eyes, but at this rate, it was looking like a /deep/ hole you were going to have to climb out of, and for some reason, it just kept getting deeper.

Since it was going to be the more difficult task, you resolved to worry about making a better relationship with Captain Levi later and instead focus on improving the relationship with your squad mates. Firstly, you didn’t want to be a kiss ass, especially cause you knew it would be obvious. Second, ideally by the time you set about improving your relationship with the Captain, he might have warmed up a bit to you.

At the very least, it would be nice if that chill wasn’t in his gaze anymore.

Right now, Petra was the closest thing to a confidant and friend that you had. After you had initially approached her about learning the nuances for cleaning, she’d taken the initiative to help you learn the ropes and adjust to the other nuances of being in Levi Squad, which involved a lot of dos and don’ts. She’d even pulled you aside one evening and sat you down so she could teach you how to properly make Captain Levi’s tea how he liked it, so that if or when he asked for it--and apparently he eventually asked everyone at some point, at least to gauge their tea making skills--you would be ready. You’d been down in the kitchen for a surprisingly long time for that one, since apparently Levi liked his black tea made a very specific way, and additives weren’t usually his preference, so there would be no masking any off taste.

Shortly after, you’d decided to let Petra know about your secret little garden with your tea making herbs. You’d gone when you both had some free time to spare, crouching down beside the garden and talking with her about the different herbs for your blends you’d added and why, complete with a prepared excuse about why the white sage was so far away from the rest and why you wore gloves when handling the plans at all times.

The white sage you told her needed to stay separate because it was aggressive and you didn’t want it taking over the smaller herbs, when you really kept it separate because it burned at the touch and you didn’t want to risk even accidentally brushing against it while you were working on this hobby of yours. As for the gloves, it was the same concept--it let you handle the sage safely without harming yourself, though you told her it was for cleanliness and to keep your natural oils off of the tea herb plants.

As you’d chatted about the herbs in your garden and potential additions (With Petra suggesting adding the plants necessary to make some black tea blends of your own), you’d caught a familiar scent on the breeze, which led you to hone your senses on the individual’s breathing and heartbeat. They were staying a safe distance away so as not to be noticed, but close enough that if something happened they would be there in an instant. They were tense and cautious, listening intently to what was being discussed.

It seemed Captain Levi had reached the point he didn’t trust you alone with the other members of Squad Levi in places that were hidden from the public eye. Your best guess for his presence was that it was out of concern for Petra, wanting to make sure the other woman was truly safe in your presence.

Once again, you understood his cautiousness, and he wasn’t wrong to be cautious...but the level of distrust still cut.

After about a week or so spent developing a stronger bond with your new squad mates, as the time for another feed drew closer, you decided to confide in some of your concerns with Petra regarding Captain Levi--that you felt you might have made a bad impression on him early on and wanted a way to thaw some of the ice between you two that wouldn’t look like bribery or like you were trying to kiss ass. You’d tossed a couple ideas around, already reassuring her that you were already intending to let time tell and let your own personality and abilities do most of the work, but that the chill was getting a little too uncomfortable on your end for you to keep going without making some kind of first step.

With an upcoming holiday and a debate about the best approach, you’d eventually settled on putting together a small gift of personalized tea blends. Since you didn’t have anything mature in your garden for black tea, you had to go into town to get missing ingredients, going with Petra to get her opinion on the best leaves, best tea bags, any additions that you didn’t have in your garden back with the Scouts or that hadn’t matured enough to use anything from it yet like your rosebush. After you had all of your materials, you’d headed back to HQ and stowed yourselves away in the kitchen to get to work.

Petra had the idea to make a couple different variations--there would be plain black tea, of course, but you’d also had some personal blends that you two decided on, mostly based off of Petra’s experience making Levi his tea when asked to, and her past observations of the few times he’d added something to it. You would have to divide and label the different teas in the container, but it would make it a little more personal.

However, you got her attention when you brought out the white sage, gloved hands grinding the herb up into a fine powder with a mortar and pestle.

“What’s that for?” she asked with a slight frown, watching you intently grinding at the white sage to make sure it was all powder and there weren’t any chunks left.

“I’m going...to add a light dusting of the white sage over the tea bags. Hopefully not enough to alter the taste, but it will still be in there,” you murmured, covered fingers running through the powder to check how fine you’d made it.

“I know there’s superstitions about white sage cleansing of evil and bad spirits, but I know the Captain isn’t, and you didn’t take me for the superstitious type. I just figured you had a fancy taste in tea,” Petra mused. You almost snorted, but stopped yourself short considering you were currently directly over the powdered sage and didn’t want it to go everywhere.

“While I’m sure the superstitious intent of cleansing and warding off evil adds a bit more personal good intent, the short version is that it’s also supposed to do wonders for your health. At least according to that book that’s still stashed in my desk,” you chuckled.

“I didn’t know that...a fine addition, then. You really pay attention to that herbology book of yours,” Petra quipped with a friendly smile, which you returned before setting the white sage aside for later, when your tea bags were finished.

Though only you would know it, if he kept the tea and used it frequently--which was fairly likely with how much tea he drank--then he would have white sage in his system frequently. That alone would protect him substantially from any other vampires lurking in the darkness. You couldn’t predict the actions of other vampires, especially with how impulsive they could sometimes be, but if you were this deep in the Scouts, you would rather be safe than sorry, especially if someone with ill intentions managed to work their way in.

Sure, white sage helped with general health, but the real reason you were adding it was for your own peace of mind to help protect Captain Levi. Why not take the opportunity to do so now that it had presented itself. If you were in the position to, you would give similar gifts of secret protection to more than just him, but you only had so much white sage, and right now, he was the one you had an excuse to do this for.

Now you just had to hope he would accept it.

*Levi’s POV*

As much as Erwin had a point about being able to keep a closer eye on L/N by having her in his squad, Levi was finding the arrangement to be...complicating. The way she presented herself, interacted with the others, the hard work she was putting in, he kept finding himself softening towards her because of it. She was a good soldier who truly put in the effort and then some, and she was quickly growing on the rest of the team. She was observant and thoughtful, and she paid close attention to the needs and preferences of the people around her. She wasn’t boastful or arrogant, and apparently was trying to learn something from every member of the squad. Petra had already taken her in like the natural mother hen she was and was around her quite often, but L/N could be seen around the others as well, just not as much.

For fuck’s sake, she’d even befriended his goddamn horse--he’d caught her in the stables sneaking him some oats and getting playfully nuzzled in return. From her track record, he knew she had to have put in the effort for that to happen, too, considering the horses started off at least spooked by her.

But he knew she was hiding something. He couldn’t ignore the signs he’d picked up on until now, how she dodged the personal and tried to keep her past hidden and buried, couldn’t forget the smell of the Underground and blood on her cape, her lack of a past, her unexplained, effortless natural skills, the regular sneaking out to do who knew what. Maybe it wasn’t as insidious as he kept thinking it might be, maybe he should ease up a bit instead of freezing her out and treating her like an already convicted traitor. But he couldn’t shake this feeling that whatever she was hiding was far from innocent, and he didn’t want to risk the betrayal, or getting his squad any more mixed up in it than they already were.

Though how well they were starting to take to her and how she was already being included into the fold, he was starting to get the sense that he was on a time limit before uncovering her as a traitor or something else terrible would cause unexpected damage.

Of course, he could take the paranoid route and assume that it was all clever, carefully planned movements, actions, and words meant to manipulate everyone around her into trusting her and letting their guards down. Unfortunately, not only was that extremely paranoid, but she didn’t lack the sincerity behind much of what she did like certain psychopaths he’d met in the past. She was very clearly hiding things, and she knew she was being watched, but her sincerity didn’t ring hollow because of it.

Fuck, he hated being in this position. And he really hated that he’d agreed to Erwin’s idea to put him in this situation. Even he knew he was being especially cold to her as if it would help put some distance between himself and the warm individual who was working her ass off for him and his squad in case the worst happened. If he was wrong, though, and what she was hiding wasn’t as malicious as he felt it might be, then he was going to have a lot of reparations to deal with going forward, especially since she was already on the fast track to be a part of his squad for a long time moving forward so long as she continued to survive the expeditions.

It would be so much easier if she just came clean. They wouldn’t have to do all this back and forth, cat and mouse, and they could move on. Unfortunately, even though she knew she was being watched and Levi was suspicious, she wasn’t saying anything beyond that comment she’d made the night before the expedition. Just another reason to believe whatever she was hiding was ugly.

There was a knock on his door, and his gaze flickered up to the shut door across from his desk, a faint frown on his face and Erwin’s findings about L/N spread out in front of him as he was in the middle of contemplating next moves.

“What?” he asked, squinting slightly at the door.

“It’s Y/N L/N. May I come in, Captain?”

Instinctively, Levi covered the documents he’d been looking at with anything that didn’t have to do with her, from supply shortage lists, reports from Hange and Erwin about the Scouts in general, anything but what he was looking at about her, knowing she had a sharp eye and not wanting to risk her seeing just how much he was aware of.

“Fine, come in,” Levi muttered, arm lying against the desk as the door opened after he spoke, and L/N came in hesitantly, something in hand.

A delivery, then. It was too much to hope she’d come to finally confess her secret to put an end to their unspoken chase. A pity.

As she approached, Levi noticed that she was rather fidgety, obviously nervous or at least a little embarrassed, and she was clutching the tin box in her hand rather rightly. What the hell was this about that suddenly she was a nervous cadet instead of the relatively calm and steady individual he’d been chasing secrets over up until now?

And then he remembered what day it was.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me...

As understanding lit up in his eyes, he held up a hand. “If this is an attempt at a bribe, L/N--”

“It’s not,” she said firmly, and Levi had to give credit to the balls she had to cut him off like that. She didn’t even seem to regret it, plowing forward before he could start down the path of rejection again.

“It’s a gift, no strings attached or anything like that. Petra and I put it together, it’s for the holiday...and it’s also partially a thank you, on my part,” she said before taking a deep breath, setting the box down on his desk neatly on a clean space front and center before stepping away. “I know I haven’t made the best impression, and you didn’t have to put me with your squad in any capacity, but you did, and I intend to make sure it’s not something you end up regretting.”

It seemed they were both well aware of the game they were trapped in, and she was well aware of her position. He had to give her credit for not bolting, if she knew the position she was in and how much scrutiny she was under. Either she didn’t feel what she had to hide was that serious, which wasn’t likely with how hard she was trying to hide it, or she was that confident in her abilities to keep the truth hidden.

He still wasn’t sure he could entirely believe that this wasn’t a bribe, though. It could very easily be taken as one, or at least a thinly veiled attempt to get him to like her--or at least not be as cold with her. And she’d involved Petra. It was almost like she’d name dropped the other woman in order to prevent him from immediately rejecting the gift, because it wasn’t just her that had put effort into it.

Levi stared her up and down intently, eyes narrowed slightly out of suspicion as he tried to gauge her intentions and sincerity. After a few tense moments where she simply endured his piercing stare without so much as a tremble--there was the collected individual he’d seen up until now--he looked away, down at the papers across his desk.

“If that’s all, you can go,” he said bluntly as a way of dismissal. She was lucky he wasn’t telling her to take it back. He wasn’t openly accepting it, either, he was still going to decide what to do with it, but he wasn’t sending it back with her, either.

It was the closest she was going to get to accepting a gift right now.

L/N snapped a salute, apparently deciding it was better not to say anything and to just take the semi-win and leave. Once the door shut behind her, Levi waited a few more moments before he put the random papers he’d grabbed back where they belonged, pulling the tin close so he could get a look at what was inside now that she’d left.

Opening the tin, the fragrance that escaped immediately told him what the gift was--black tea, but a variety of different blends. And it was good tea, too, if the scent was anything to go by. Groups of the tea bags were sectioned off, labeled by the variant they were, such as the one blend that included lemon, or the one that seemed to have blackberries in it. The tea bags were definitely homemade, telling him the blends were specially made by her and Petra, thought going into the ingredients. There was a white powder dusted over all the tea bags that turned out to be white sage upon closer inspection.

An odd choice...especially since it was on every tea bag and not certain blends.

The wild thought crossed his mind that they might be poisoned, and he scowled, attempting to brush aside the paranoia with the thought that it would be far too bold and obvious of a move, especially with Petra helping put it together. He doubted she would have been able to get such a thing past Petra, too, considering the woman’s experience making Levi’s tea.

I’m going fucking crazy, he thought to himself as, despite his rationalization, he pulled out one of the tea bags and started methodically pulling it apart piece by piece to make sure there wasn’t anything fatal slipped into the homemade blend. He made sure to avoid touching it as little as possible so it was still usable when he was done, shifting through the ingredients in the blend and making sure he recognized every one.

Nothing suspicious about it. Aside from the odd choice of white sage.

If it really was meant to be a bribe, though, did he want to take it? He didn’t want to waste the tea, so he wasn’t going to just throw it out. He could re-gift it to Hange or Erwin, but he knew that would be a slight, and L/N hadn’t been the only one to make it--Petra had helped.

Dammit…

He’d just have to let it sit there until he could figure out what he was going to do with it. He could speculate on conspiracy theories about what it was meant to be, if it really was anything more than a gift, until he figured out how he was going to handle it.

It really could be what she said, though--a gift for the holidays and a thank you, maybe even a peace offering in the hopes things wouldn’t continue to be so tense between them. The contention would continue, though, until he found out what she was hiding.

Levi settled back into what he’d been doing before she came to his office, looking over the details Erwin had provided him, a small frown on his face as he looked over official documents and police reports that were roughly forty years old about a double homicide in the town that had spawned local legends and horror stories to frighten children. Why was this included in the report Erwin gave him? One of the two victims was the girl that L/N shared a first name with, the only thing resembling a tangible connection to the town she claimed as her hometown that Erwin could find.

He was going to have to talk to Erwin and try to get a day or two off so he could go investigate in person. He needed more information than what was in these reports, and he would only find what he wanted by going there in person.

Once more, there was a knock on the door, this time followed immediately by a familiar voice calling, “Captain?”

Ah, this was a meeting he’d been waiting for.

“You can come in, Petra,” he called, finally putting away Erwin’s reports in a safe place as Petra entered the room and headed for Levi’s desk. She didn’t bother asking why he asked her to meet him, simply took a seat and waited for him to speak.

“What do you think about our new member?” Levi asked after he got settled in his seat. Petra’s surprised eyes wandered to the gift still sitting on the desk, a questioning look in her eyes even though she complied to answering his question.

“Do you mean in skills or compatibility?” Petra asked for clarification after a moment’s hesitation.

“Compatibility.”

He was already well aware of her skills--she wouldn’t have even been placed as an aid in the squad if she didn’t have skills to become one of the elite. Skill was one of the first things he looked at when choosing squad members.

Petra seemed even more confused that he was asking after her personality more than anything, but again, she didn’t question him.

“She’s quiet and reserved, for the most part, but after spending a couple weeks with her, once you manage to get her to open up she has a warm and caring personality. She’s a little socially timid, though, I’m sure you’ve noticed; like she’s thinking of how she should act before she does or says something. At least at first, before she gets more comfortable and gets into the flow of conversation.”

Petra paused to consider, a small frown on her face. “She’s a creature of habit, that’s for sure--she’s always wearing the same necklace, all the time--I’ve never seen her without it, and there’s certain places she’s always at during certain times of the day. I’m a little worried about her health, though. I didn’t notice it at first, but she hardly seems to eat. She doesn’t get much on her plate, and she’s always smuggling things that are safe for horses to eat to the stables to bribe the horses instead of eating it herself. She doesn’t seem affected, not yet anyway, but I’m still worried about it.”

Taking the mental notes for later in case that information proved important, Levi pressed a little further. “What about the others? It seems like she’s fitting in well.”

Petra nodded. “She’s getting lessons of some kind from almost everyone, and she’s been a lot better about being social. She’s making a genuine effort to be a part of the squad, and to be perfectly honest, I like having her around.”

“Anything else?”

Petra’s gaze flickered over to the box sitting on the desk again. “If it’s not too presumptuous, Captain--I don’t know what impression she made when you two first met. She mentioned it may not have been the best first impression, but...she really is trying to be worth the chance she’s been given to be a part of this squad, and her attempts appear genuine to me. Perhaps give her another chance to make a better impression.”

Levi didn’t answer her, and he kept his expression unreadable so she wouldn’t see his reaction to her words. It was more incentive for him to close this messy chapter, and it helped clear up his thoughts on how to act going forward if this secret didn’t turn out to be something crazy like treason or murder.

“Thank you, Petra. You can go, now,” Levi finally answered in an indifferent voice. Petra got up and gave a quick salute, then quietly left the room without any further comment. Once she was gone, Levi got to his feet with a slight sigh.

He needed to see Erwin.

Next Chapter---->

Levi Tags: @clary-quinn @humanitys-hottestsoldier@whalerus @sunny-flo @thirstyforsometea

Wings in the Dark Tags: @regalillegal @animeluver23 @theshylittleelfgirl @queenthorin1 @dilucs-thighs @sociallyanxiousmouse

120 notes · View notes

stardew-goblin · 4 years ago

Note

why their favourite items are their favourite items for the bachelorettes? you can just pick one item if you like

OH I’ve been thinking about this since I started playing! I tried to do the things that aren’t as commonly thought about as favorites. I hope you enjoy! Thank you ily <3

HA so after doing all of the bachelors I re-read and realized it was only an ask for the bachelorettes SO you get both now hehe

Sebastian

Favorite thing: Pumpkin soup

His dad left them in the fall which is why he has an aversion to most of the autumn seasonal flavors

He was really attached to his dad as a baby so when he abandoned them it hurt Sebastian really badly

The one thing he can’t seem to stay away from is pumpkin soup though

Robin actually has cooked it since he can remember

It was his dads favorite too

It brings back the good memories he has from when his parents were together

Robin only makes it when Maru and Demetrius are out together doing sciency things

They sit on the couch together and watch old movies and bond while they eat it but Robin keeps it a secret because she knows he doesn’t like to come across as a softie

She’ll also make him some if she knows he’s particularly down. She’ll just run it down to his room, kiss him on the forehead, remind him that she’s always there if he needs to talk, and leaves him be

Sam

Favorite thing: Tigerseye

Before Kent could afford the mermaid pendant for Jodi, his mom gave him an old tigerseye ring to propose with

Sam always though it was more romantic than a stupid mermaid pendant (basic, duh)

He used to sit on his grandma’s lap as a kid and she would tell him all about his grandpa who died before Sam was born

He was poor, too, when they got married and he managed to trade some manual labor for the ring

It always reminds him of his family and how much he loves them

100% will propose with a tigerseye ring instead of a mermaid pendant

Harvey

Favorite thing: Coffee

Started drinking coffee in middle school

His grandma would always brew a pot while he was over and they would sit and chat about life

The smell of coffee always reminds him of her

He still makes it how she would make it for him. 2 spoonfuls of sugar. That’s it.

He regularly uses the coffee cup he would always use at her house

It has ducks on it with blue trim

Every year on the anniversary of her death he’ll bring a thermos and two cups and sit at her grave and drink coffee and talk about how life is going

He misses his grandma very much

Elliott

Favorite thing: Pomegranate

He knew Leah before he moved to the valley

They’ve been best friends for years

He gets sick a lot and tends to forget to take care of himself sometimes

Leah has always made sure he was okay

She would bring him fruits and soup and make sure he was staying hydrated

One day she brought a few pomegranates

How the fUCK do you eat a pomegranate ??

Leah help me please for the love Yoba what is this weird ass fruit you’ve brought to me on my death bed

Once he actually ate some though, he could not get enough.

It was the first thing he could actually taste in days and it was so sweet and flavorful

He will not buy his own pomegranates though.

It has to be a gift or it’s not the same

Shane

Favorite thing: Hot pepper

Used to struggle with really bad anxiety

He would disassociate a lot

Struggled with mental grounding techniques

So one day is dad was like

Here son

Bite into this hot ass pepper

It was so spicy that it snapped Shane back into reality

He used to keep a ziplock bag of hot peppers in his pocket

Sometimes will still bite into one if he’s particularly going through it

One time gave Sam one at work and told him it wasn’t spicy

Sam cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes

Now Shane has to keep his waterbottles with him at all times because Sam puts weird stuff in them as payback

Alex

Favorite thing: complete breakfast

Alex never wanted to leave his room after his mom died

He would cry himself to sleep every night

He refused to eat with his grandparents

Evelyn would make him hashbrowns, eggs, and pancakes with a side of milk every morning

And would leave it in his room for him to eat when he was hungry

And would always stick a note on the tray reading “breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I love you always. Grandma.”

She never pressured him to do something he didn’t want to do

But ALWAYS reminded him that he was loved

Complete breakfast reminds him that Evelyn loves him no matter what

It will always feel like a warm hug

Abigail

Favorite thing: Pufferfish

When Abigail was little, Pierre and Caroline used to take her to the aquarium in Zuzu City

Her favorite was always the pufferfish

She felt like she could relate to them

Always keeping people at an arms length

Tough when she has to be

She used to collect pufferfish plushies

Does not actually eat them

She could never

But she likes how you can die from consuming them incorrectly

Kicking ass from beyond the grave

Haley

Favorite thing: Coconut

She actually likes the smell more than anything but is a sucker for coconut shavings on her desserts

She’s allergic to coconut

But it isn’t deadly

Emily used to use coconut body spray to hide the weed smell when she was in high school

Haley thought Emily was so cool

Will always remind her of when her and her sister got along better

Haley has a mean streak but is very sentimental

She’ll still tease Emily about it

Keeps a small bottle of coconut body spray in her room for when she needs to feel better

Will not admit to anyone ever about why she likes coconut so much

Penny

Favorite thing: Tom Kha Soup

Elliott actually introduced Penny to the dish

Penny and Pam had gotten into a particularly nasty argument which left Penny in tears

It was pouring but she needed out of the trailer

She went to sit on the docks to listen to the ocean until she calmed down

Elliott saw her sitting alone in the cold rain and invited her inside

He was just about to sit down for one of his favorites, Tom Kha soup, and gladly prepared a bowl for Penny

She had never been close to Elliott even though she saw him at the library often

The soup was delicious

And she was blown away by his kindness and how easily she felt comfortable talking to him

She tries to cook it (it’s terrible)

She always beings some to Elliott (he never comments on how awful it is, and politely accepts it)

(He throws it in the ocean when she’s gone though)

Emily

Favorite thing: Survival burger

Emily is a vegetarian

Her favorite food before she went vegetarian was cheeseburgers

Her first girlfriend showed her how to make burgers from eggplant

She is the one who showed Gus how to make them and season them properly to taste good

She got Haley hooked on them too

She’s lowkey one of those vegetarians that wants everyone to be a vegetarian

Her favorite recipe to show off because it really does taste like a frickin burger

Maru

Favorite thing: Rhubarb Pie

Maru really wishes that she and Sebastian were still close

As small children they did everything together

She looked up to her big brother

They used to play in the lake by their house during summers

She would always catch frogs. It was her favorite thing.

They would come into the cool house when the sun went down and lounge on the couch watching cartoons

Robin would frequently make Rhubarb pie for dessert

Maru and Sebastian loved it

They would eat it in front of the TV and joke around with each other

Rhubarb Pie still reminds her of those warm summer nights when her big brother was still her best friend

Leah

Favorite thing: stir fry

The first time she ever tried stir fry was right before she moved to the valley

Like literally her last meal in the city was stir fry from a restaurant around the corner from her old apartment

It was their only option that had mostly vegetables and oh my Yoba was it delicious

The day she moved was the most hopeful day she’s ever had in her life

New beginnings were terrifying but Leah knew everything would be okay

She always makes stir fry before she tries something she’s terrified to do

It reminds her that new things are scary but she can really do anything she puts her mind to

#stardew valley #sdv #sdv headcanons #stardew headcanons #stardew valley headcanons #sdv sebastian #sdv sam #sdv shane #sdv elliott #sdv harvey #sdv alex #sdv abigail #sdv haley #sdv emily #sdv penny #sdv maru #sdv leah #stardew farmer

355 notes · View notes

oh-boy-me · 5 years ago

Note

:0 could I have a beel,asmo,belphie,lucifer,mammon, satan (not including levi) and diavolo playing videogames? I thought it would be kinda funny since they're all really old- except for levi of course haha

Ohhh this should be fun!

Decided to do individual HCs for this one instead of a group thing so they wouldn’t be limited to multiplayer games.

Most of them, save for a certain prince, have been exposed to games a fair amount by proximity to Levi.

---

Lucifer:

Lucifer has a Mononoke Land account so that he’ll get the email notifications for events and can therefore keep track of Levi’s whereabouts. He’s never played the game, though, nor downloaded the app, and he has no intention of doing so.

In general, he’s not much of a gamer. The most gaming he gets done is minesweeper on Windows XP. He doesn’t have the time, and it was never something he could get into.

That isn’t to say that he owns zero games, though. His favorite genre is turn-based strategy, because he can afford to look away from them, and they make him think and plan.

He doesn’t like the hyper-realistic ones, though. Things like Civilization and Here Be Dragons are up his alley, Hearts of Iron not so much.

He doesn’t care too much about the story, but a good soundtrack is mandatory.

Also he’s an old man so the controls also have to be intuitive or he just won’t be able to play. Why is he jumping when he presses A he thought that was the attack button.

The type of player who needs to get every achievement. A completionist.

When the group gets together for the rare multiplayer night, he has no idea what he’s doing and yet still manages to do well. It’s kind of infuriating.

He won’t make alliances with anyone, no, it’s every man for himself. He also actively targets Mammon no matter what game they’re playing.

The fact that he doesn’t really get it protects his pride when Levi inevitably wipes the floor with him.

Mammon:

Mammon actually does game a little bit in his spare time, mostly with Levi. He’s got a couple consoles and is more open to different genres than Lucifer is.

He thrives in any game where the main goal is to rack up as many points or as much profit as possible. He’s undefeated in tycoons and pinball. (Tetris is an exception; he’s terrible at Tetris. Stupid spacial recognition.)

The RNG elements boil down to his insane luck, but he’s actually very smart when it comes to investments and stuff, so it’s not like he’s only using his luck to get by.

If the games have multiplayer, even better! Nothing like kicking Levi, MC and Belphie’s asses in a game of Fortune Street!

He also tends to like the action-focused games that Levi plays. Not so much into turn-based RPGs, but he enjoys stuff where the enemies spawn, like in Zelda or Rune Factory. And he’s great at button mashing in fighting games, although Levi, who actually knows how to play them, always beats him.

Mammon uses items as soon as he gets them, and is too busy rushing a boss to care about learning its patterns and strategizing.

Skips cutscenes even on his first run. Levi and Satan hate him for it.

Like mentioned before, he gets an unfair disadvantage in game nights because everyone targets him. Especially in those games with RNG, because otherwise he WILL win.

He’s banned from PTW games because he will indeed PTW.

Satan:

Satan is another one who doesn’t play too many games, and that might be for the best because he’s a nightmare to play with.

The sorest loser, and a pretty nasty winner too. He insists on the hardest difficulty and then rage quits at the slightest inconvenience.

He will play when prompted, though; he’s not above hanging out with his brothers. His favorite sorts of games are ones with a good story and/or good puzzles. His planning is more on the tactics side, as opposed to Lucifer’s strategy, so he would love Fire Emblem.

He WILL drop a game if the story isn’t holding his attention, and he’s done so in the past.

Overly cautious and hoards resources. He takes the safe route every time.

Also another completionist.

Beel would often ask Satan to help him find out which art pieces were originals and safe to buy in Animal Crossing, and Satan got a little bit interested and ended up making a resident on Beel’s cartridge so the donations could be in his name. He went on a mini-campaign to drive out the residents he didn’t like, but one of them turned out to be Beel's favorite and he felt terrible about it for weeks.

During family game nights, everyone is always torn between appeasing Satan and telling him to deal with it when he loses.

He also gets angry if he catches on to the fact that they’re letting him win, though.

Probably a genwunner.

Asmodeus:

Asmo enjoys video games. They don’t fit into his aesthetic so he’s never really tried to understand them, but he doesn’t dislike them by any means.

Gaming is becoming more mainstream though, right? That’s a whole new audience that could appreciate him. Maybe, just maybe, he can let himself be a bit of a geek.

Unsurprisingly, he’s got a penchant for games with customization options. Surprisingly, he also really enjoys FPS games. If he and Levi ever played at the same time, it would be chaos in the House of Lamentation.

As opposed to his in-your-face attitude, he likes to play sniper units.

He said he wants to tap into the gaming community, but he’s not very good at most of the games he plays so he’s too embarrassed to actually do so. He does, however, play the Sims on livestream. He does his best to make the steamiest and most dramatic scenarios happen, and he’ll hold strawpolls to let his viewers make some choices.

Asmo also plays Animal Crossing like a few other brothers, but his island is so well groomed and with just the right residents, it feels like you’re touring an uncanny dystopia and Asmo is the dictator.

When the group gets together, he usually ends up doing the worst. He’s more interested in executing perfect combos than actually dealing damage, so he’s not aggressive enough to get anything done against players like Levi and Satan.

He’s also not very good at teamwork; he starts yelling at his partner very quickly.

Beelzebub:

Beel doesn’t have a lot of “gamer” in him, but some of his brothers seem to like it so he decided to give it a go. Turns out his hands are too big, but he makes do. Kind of.

You’d expect a sports game to be the best for him, since he’s so athletic. However, it’s BECAUSE he’s so athletic that this sort of game isn’t in his library. He gets too antsy and bored tapping buttons instead of actually playing the sport.

Beel’s also not an aggressive player in any sense of the word. He feels guilty even hurting the most basic of slimes.

No, no games are better for Beel than the stress-free, casual life simulators. Animal Crossing is no surprise his favorite one right now. Satan handles the museum for him while Beel gets to do whatever he feels like in a world where the biggest threat is a wasp.

He’ll also play other low stakes games where living your life is the main goal, like Harvest Moon and Stardew Valley. His big heart can never choose who to marry in those games.

Horror is also ok for him, because while aggression is hard for him, self-defense is not.

He got the Cooking Mama app on his D.D.D. and bit the device in half, so he’s not allowed to touch that franchise anymore.

When the gang meets up, his non-aggressive side sticks around. In fighting games, he’s more likely to dodge and steer clear of the others, and in other versus games he’s so open to compromise you’d think you were on the same team.

Satan did get him his favorite resident back.

Belphegor:

Belphie probably games the second most after Levi; it’s something that keeps him entertained but doesn’t require him to move very much at all.

I actually have no idea how to describe his preferred genres, but League of Legends and Dark Souls is basically all you need to know.

League lets him socialize a bit, and it’s the game that he and Levi play together most often. As for Dark Souls, he loves the sort of game where learning your opponent’s every move and outsmarting/outmaneuvering them is the only path to victory.

I guess that would be described as “really hard action-adventure” games? He’d also like Sekiro.

He also has his own copy of Animal Crossing to visit and play with Beel, but his island is so underdeveloped you’d think he started that same week.

Belphie is the true wild card of family game nights; sometimes he sleeps through the whole thing, while other times he can take down even Levi.

He has everyone’s habits down to a T--Mammon charges in, Asmo does too much setup, Levi’s overconfident--and he knows how to counter each and every one of them.

For someone who’s so much of a cunning player, though, he also misclicks a lot.

He’s the most likely out of his brothers to make alliances. He’s also the most likely to break alliances.

If he doesn’t think he can win, he’ll choose a player and start sabotaging the game in their favor.

Diavolo:

Lord Diavolo had read about like, Mario? The little blue hedgehog guy? But he’d never owned a gaming console before. He probably thought Neopets was peak gaming.

Levi swore to fix this grievous error, and this was also a mistake, because now Diavolo keeps trying to get Lucifer to play all these hack and slash games with him.

He has legitimately told Lucifer that “if you don’t play Devil May Cry with me THIS devil may cry!”

The games need to always have something happening in them or he’ll get bored, kind of like Satan’s need for a good story, except with action.

It’s also worth mentioning that “play a game with Diavolo” actually means “sit in the same room as Diavolo while he plays.”

And oh boy… is he terrible at these games.

He just button mashes until either he dies or all the enemies die.

Never uses any of the items he gets because he’s sure he’ll need them more later on. When, Diavolo? During the staff roll?

Will bomb a door before trying the knob.

Since he’s usually only around Lucifer, who doesn’t want to get sucked into this, and Barbatos, who honestly couldn’t care less about this, he’s been left alone and free to develop these terrible gaming habits.

It’s rare that he comes to family gaming night. Legend has it that Lucifer’s piercing glare is somehow connected to the fact that his brothers always let Diavolo win.

Masterlist

398 notes · View notes

allthingsmustfall · 4 years ago

Text

Charthur Love HCs

It’s blisteringly hot and humid, and I’m feeling kind of melancholy, and was thinking about Arthur and Charles and the way they love each other. I saw a post a while back (this has been living in a gdoc for a while), that accurately pointed out that in so many fics, Arthur puts Charles on a pedestal as some perfect unflawed human, and that that isn’t the best way to treat a character - it makes them one-dimensional if all they are is the Good which you use to measure another character’s Bad. I fell into that a bit in ‘like thieves in the night’ and so it’s been sticking in my side….Anyway, it got me thinking about WHY they love each other, because if I could define that, then it might make it easier to write their relationship more realistically - so have some completely unrequested head canons from ‘like thieves in the night':

Arthur loves Charles

Arthur doesn’t think much of himself, not with all the things he’s done - if he’s remarkable in any way, it could only be because he’s put so much bad out into the world. So with that lingering self-loathing, he’s always gonna consider his actions to be worse than similar things done by similar people. So while he knows that Charles lived most of his life by thieving and killing folk, he doesn’t think of it as ‘bad’ in the same way Arthur regrets some of his own behavior. Charles is Kind, and the things he’s done that weren’t kind - well, that’s only because there weren’t any other options afforded him; it doesn’t change the fact that Charles is, at the heart of him, good. Arthur is so much more willing to give others the benefit of a doubt. While he can’t forgive himself for some of the things he’s done, he’s far more likely to forgive others. Charles in particular.

Outlaws aren’t all chivalrous men who are competent and effective, Arthur knows that all too well. So when they bring on new blood into the gang, Arthur never expects much. Far more people fall into outlawing because they’re stupid and lazy than because they’re fighting a war on civilization in general and Washington, DC in particular. And yet, immediately, Charles is Capable. He comes into the gang and does more than his fair share of the hunting, the guarding, the chores. Arthur has made the gang his family; taking care of them is how he shows his love. Seeing Charles take that on without question or complaint is unusual enough to be startling. It’s probably what first made Arthur look at Charles with real consideration. For a long time, he waited for the other shoe to drop, for Charles to reveal himself as untrustworthy, to have some fatal flaw like most men they take on. But it never comes.

So many of the folks in the gang are bloviators who can’t shut up about how amazing they are. But Charles doesn’t slam his ego around like a fucking weapon like the rest of them; it’s not that he’s uncertain about himself or his place in the gang. He knows without question that he’s good at what he does and lets his actions/results speak for themselves. Many times Arthur has watched Charles smile privately after a job well done, either chopping wood or getting through a robbery without having to kill anybody. He's proud of his work, and rightly so. It’s...admirable (cue confused soft emotions)

Arthur gets shit from some of the gang about how much time/energy he spends helping out the lost lambs of the world, but Charles does the same sort of thing. In my fic, I gave Charles the Charlotte mission, but I like to think he picked up some of the other things that would have fallen to Arthur in-game. So, back to Arthur’s low self-esteem, when Arthur offers that selflessness, makes himself vulnerable for no reason other than it was the right thing to do - whatever, nbd. But when done with Charles’ hands, Arthur recognizes it as the sort of kindness that changes the world in small and loving ways.

Charles has a sense of humor that Arthur just gets. It’s not loud or performative like Sean. It’s quiet and sarcastic and deadpan. It took him a while to really notice it, but Charles just cocking an eyebrow at the perfect time is enough to make Arthur crack. Charles has amazing eye roll game. He can’t imagine that anyone thinks of Charles as silent and menacing, not when Arthur has personally heard Charles repeat filthy limericks until Arthur gave up trying to sleep, swung his leg over Charles’ hips, and kissed him quiet.

I think that Arthur would have spent his whole life holding Charles in High Regard, not examining too closely the tremor in his chest when he makes Charles smile, or how...nice it is to just watch Charles chop wood. I think the love he feels for him is physical, not in a sexual way, but in a tactile, grounded way that's totally different than anything he's felt for a woman. With Mary, that love was ethereal, hard to grasp, but with Charles, Arthur could point to the point on his chest where that love lives. It's as real and alive as his heartbeat.

Charles loves Arthur

I think something bad happened prior to Charles joining the gang; not necessarily terrible or uniquely awful, but something that made him weary of being on his own. Maybe he had to deal with some local racist troublemakers, got away clean, and was making camp for himself out in the rough only to be happened upon by more racists/bandits/troublemakers, and was forced into yet another fight for his life. So he’s exhausted, and he wants a place to rest and he hears about Dutch’s gang. Dutch seems honorable, doesn’t mention his race, and almost...shows off the other POC in the gang (look at all the POC I have so generously taken in! Praise me for my open mindedness). It’s condescending, but it’s better than the overt hatred he gets out on his own. So he joins up. He’s not expecting much out of a gang of outlaws, and some of them live up (down?) to expectations, but there’s a good chunk of people who are far more like a family than he was expecting. They’ve even got a kid with them, who’s protected as fiercely as any child deserves. And Arthur, for all that he’s introduced as Dutch’s menacing lieutenant, spends most of his energy protecting and caring for that core little family. Yes, Arthur spends a lot of his time with his hands dirty, but at the end of the day, he wipes them clean and sits quietly at the fire, clear affection in his eyes as everyone talks over one another and laughs and dances. It’s far more human than he was expecting from a man whose face is plastered from here to New Hanover and back again, drawn hastily above a litany of sins.

Arthur has been on the wrong side of the law his entire life, has probably killed more men than he’s had hot dinners, which makes it all the more amazing that he has any moral compass at all, let alone one which so unerringly brings out that fierce stubbornness when marginalized people are threatened. Being kind matters all the more when the option to be cruel is so much easier, when it has been nurtured more than kindness ever has. It’s...amazing, so much so that Charles is appalled that so few others seem to notice.

Charlie's is startled by Arthur’s tenderness; he had worried that Arthur would mistake him for a woman, at first, that this thing of theirs would make Arthur think of him as something delicate in need of protection. But Arthur still relies on Charles in a fight, he doesn’t try to wade in and fight Charles’ battles for him - well, for the most part. Arthur is protective of the things he loves - so when he picks fights on Charles’ behalf it’s less because he doesn’t think that Charles can fend for himself, and more because he is impatient to kick in the teeth of every bigot in the world (it’s a thin line to walk, and Arthur doesn’t always nail it - it’s been the subject of more than one fight). But still, Arthur is...soft in a way that surprises Charles. Even before they admitted to themselves and each other that this was more than an occasional hand beneath a blanket, that love was creeping up around them like a slow tide, Arthur’s hands were gentle on him, reverential. There was more than one time Charles had feigned sleep just to enjoy the soft way Arthur carded his fingers through his hair, the way the pads of his fingers traced, unasking, over his collection of scars. The types of trysts Charles had had in his past didn’t involve anything like that - that quiet, naked intimacy that only comes after the sex is done and heart rates are drifting back to normal. It makes Charles’ throat tight, even as the rest of him goes soft and liquid under Arthur’s hands.

Because Arthur is white, is a man, and now has enough money that he and the rest of the gang are set for life, there are things that he will never experience, and in never experiencing them, will never really understand. Occasionally, Arthur forgets there are places that won’t serve Charles dinner and he’s enraged when he runs across them, wants to burn down every racist, bigoted piece of shit he runs across. But he doesn’t expect Charles to comfort or educate him about these inequities. Arthur doesn’t see himself as some sort of uniquely qualified savior who can liberate the oppressed just because he’s white and he cares. He’s learned that the best person to solve those problems isn’t a white man riding in with a gun and a temper; that the desire to help is most effective when directed by someone who has lived under that oppression. And so he listens when Charles speaks, and he learns.

Arthur has been with women, has been in love before Charles. That doesn’t bother Charles - not exactly. But Arthur has a road map to love that Charles has never seen; Arthur already contains the spaces within himself in which love can be built and tended to - the sort of thing that only comes from experience. Charles never had the chance for that, had never expected the opportunity, not when the world was already ready to hang him for so many other things. He’d never anticipated love, not like this, not the sort of thing which was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. And so Arthur more easily vocalizes his adoration. He has told Charles he loves him plainly, many times, unthinkingly calls him ‘darlin’ when he’s distracted or preoccupied. He doesn’t even seem bothered that Charles’ own admissions are quieter, hidden within other words and deeds. There’s no doubt in Charles, now, about how they are together, how deeply this connection runs, but that gentle, unthinking intimacy still steals his breath away, even twenty years down the road when Arthur is walking around the cabin hollering “Darlin’ you seen my new leather hat? I swear I had it just - ah, never mind, there it is-”

They just - are in awe of each other, each the other’s wonder which holds the stars apart.

#Headcanon #charthur #charles smith #arthur morgan #like thieves in the night #my fic #feeling anxious in my skin and thinking happy thoughts #canon what canon gtfo of here w that shit #rdr2

117 notes · View notes

sally-mun · 4 years ago

Text

OKAY BITCHES ON TO PART 2!

Also don’t forget to check out Part 1 if you haven’t yet!

British

Okay so maybe it’s in poor taste to start the British section with dolls I’m not actually sure are British, but fuck it. The one on the left is a doll I’m reasonably sure I got from a British seller, and the one on the right seems to just be a scaled-up version of it, SO. That’s what I’m going with.

No joke, the left doll is my favorite Sonic plushie EVER. It’s so incredibly fluffy and the proportions are just right and it’s really well-made and AUUGHH I LOVE HIM. Interestingly the doll on the right is made of the same uber-fuzzy material, but it doesn’t have as much of a fluffy effect because of the larger scale. Also the shoe stripes are ribbons for some reason, which makes them stand out from all the other dolls.

So this is from a line of dolls that, as far as I’ve ever seen, are simply known as “Europe prize” plushies. I don’t know if they were actual prizes for some sort of game or claw machine or whatnot, but that’s how I tend to see them listed. These dolls are REALLY nicely made and incredibly cute, like way more than usual. I also have the Knuckles from this set, but he doesn’t live in this net so he’s not pictured here.

I know this line also included Sonic (obviously), Amy, and Shadow, but I’m not sure who else. I’d REALLY like to get the others someday, but I don’t have much hope for that, since they’re long since out of production and prices just keep going up as everyone cashes in on nerd collector culture.

This doll is fine enough on its own (if a bit fearful in the eyes), but what’s really odd about it is that it’s like literally twice as tall as the other dolls in its line, for some reason. I have the Sonic and Tails from this set, and their sizes both match each other, but for some reason Knuckles is a tall boi?? Oh well.

I believe this set also includes an Eggman doll, but I’ve never seen it before.

I wish I’d thought to showcase it better in this photo, but the tag on the bottom of Sonic’s right foot here is the real spotlight of this doll. I don’t know much about the background of this doll, but i know that tag on his foot is what distinguishes him from other Sonic dolls, and collectors go NUTS for this guy. I remember missing out on one years ago because the shipping was too costly (it’s always been rough importing from Britain, but it used to be a lot harder), and for a while I thought I’d never get one. Oddly this one that I did eventually nab is the only one I’ve ever seen with suction cups. I’d like to hope that one day I could get the one that doesn’t have them, but I’m not holding my breath.

Following the last doll, I’m sure a lot of you are immediately noticing that this Tails also has the tag on his foot, albeit a very faded one. This doll is also super odd, because EVERY other time I’ve ever seen this doll before, it has NOT had the foot tag! This one is the only one I’ve encountered with the tag, and I didn’t even know it had it until it arrived in the mail. This doll is also about 50% bigger than the Sonic doll with the foot tag, maybe he goes with the non-suction cup’d Sonic plushie? I don’t know off the top of my head how big that Sonic is supposed to be, so it’s possible! Or maybe these dolls have nothing to do with each other, and I bought some weird anomaly. Definitely one of the weirder Tails plushies in my collection.

Australian

EASILY the ugliest doll I will ever own, short of maybe obtaining the Tails that matches this set. (Trust me, the Tails is REALLY FUCKING UGLY.) I have such mixed feelings on this lil guy because, as many of you already know, this is one of the elusive Sega World Sydney dolls, which means it’s EXTREMELY rare and thus meant to be treasured... and yet holy shit guys how did you fail so hard on this doll. I mean FOR FUCK’S SAKE HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE SOCKS! OR FINGERS!! There were plenty of Sonic plushies in the world by the time this doll was created, and they all socks and fingers, let alone better designed faces. I dunno man, I don’t know how to reconcile how ugly this doll is.

And then there were two.

Those of you that’ve been following me for years have probably already seen these before, but fuck it, here they are again. The Sega World Sydney plushies are the ONLY official Sally plushies to exist, and like the Sonic one, it’s really difficult to reconcile how incredibly ugly they are. I mean I can at least cut them some slack with the faces I guess, because the one on the left isn’t terrible I suppose. I think the fact that she doesn’t have hands is really stupid, but I mean, if Sonic didn’t get fingers I guess I’m not surprised Sally didn’t either. No, the thing that really gets me about these Sally dolls is the hair. It’s hard to tell from this angle but it’s.... bad. Oh my god it’s so fucking bad. It looks like she had a bad incident with a weedwacker. WHO THE FUCK DID THEY HIRE TO DESIGN THESE PLUSHIES?!

Whatever, I don’t turn away official Sally merch. Vests exist for these dolls, but as you can see I don’t own them for either of these two. I do have a third, smaller Sally that DOES have her vest, but she doesn’t live in this net. Maybe another time!

More bad Sally hair, this time without legs because she’s a hand puppet. She probably has the worst hair of all of the Sally dolls I personally own, it’s very clumpy and matted. The others’ hair is at least still fluffy.

I’ll let the fact that she doesn’t have hands slide here, being a puppet at all, but even then it’s only because I’m feeling generous. There’s no reason she shouldn’t have had them.

SOOOO not technically a plushie, but it was in the net and I’m doing Sally items right now anyway, so fuck it. This is a mini-backpack, but the fabric is so furry that it’s pretty much impossible to get a clear picture. I left the strap there sticking out just to help give some idea of what shape you’re even looking at.

I can’t remember what I paid for this, and honestly I don’t care, because it’s so unique and I’ve never seen another one since.

Bootlegs

A friend of mine sent me this as a surprise a few years ago because he thought it was cute, and I definitely have to say it’s one of the more fascinating items in my collection. Most of the time bootleg merch is trying to imitate something official to confuse the buyer, but so far as I know this is completely original! I love it because it’s what I imagine Sonic would look like if he were an Animal Crossing character. The most bizarre detail of all, though, is that the tush tag has the logo for Detective Conan instead of Sonic the Hedgehog. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

This is a fake version of the Fang/Nack doll from Sonic the Fighters, but honestly, I don’t mind at all that it’s a bootleg because holy shit this doll is higher quality than some of my official ones! (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, SEGA WORLD.) According to the pictures I’ve seen, I think he’s actually even better quality than the original he’s copying!

It’s hard to describe just how nice this doll is, because the picture seriously does not do him justice. The stitching is perfectly clean, the proportions are absolutely perfect, the fabric is soft and high-quality, and oh my god the HAT!! The hat is AMAZING, it’s actually solid and holds its shape VERY well! The same goes for his tail too, on that note. Plushies with long tails tend to have trouble maintaining their shape, but this doll’s tail is really well done. He also has a much longer muzzle than most dolls of this time were willing to use, which again helps his proportion and overall accuracy. I don’t give one single shit that this doll isn’t official, I love him so fucking much! <3 <3 <3

Other Dolls

What can I say, I fucking LOVE Nick Wilde from Zootopia, and this is one of the best dolls of him I’ve ever seen. It’s actually really nicely made (they put a LOT of work into his shirt), and he’s very soft and huggable. Also, bless that smarmy expression, they got it just right.

Jumbo Tom Nook! This is the only jumbo plushie of him I’ve ever seen, so I’m glad I was able to nab it. The fabric is oddly shiny though, and I have no idea why?? I have several Tom Nook plushies from different doll lines, and I’ve never seen another one that’s shiny like this.

Decided to picture these guys together because why the fuck not. I apologize for the lack of clarity, but I’ve never been willing to open their bags. I want them pristine~

One thing I think is cool about the Undertale dolls is that there’s so much uniqueness put into each one. They all have differently shaped tags to reflect their individual personalities, and the plastic bags they come in have different patterns as well. The fabric patterns all completely unique to each one as well, so they’re not all clones of each other (especially with Papyrus).

You can actually still buy all of these guys right now on the Fangamer website! They’re pricey, but you get a quality that makes the price worth it, and you get a discount if you buy them together!

Vault Boy from Fallout, and for some reason I’m just now realizing that I don’t know what vault number is on his back. I feel like a terrible fan, FORGIVE ME. He has also never come out of his bag, so sorry for viewing difficulties here as well.

Companion cube ‘fuzzy dice’ for the car. This is one instance in which I have actually not used the car-related plushie in my car, as at the time I got this it was VERY difficult to get companion cube merch of any kind (these dice were actually a compromise with myself because I still couldn’t afford a regular cube), and after the work I put in to find these I definitely wasn’t going to risk them in my car! Just as well anyway, because they’re awfully big and would’ve been pretty cumbersome to look past.

...I did, however, put these in my car for a while. These are fuzzy D20 dice, because come on, if you’re going to hang dice in your car and have the option to use these, how can you not?? It definitely got a lot of compliments, even from people that simply saw them through the window. I didn’t even play tabletop games yet at the time, I just really liked them~

AAAAND THAT’S IT~ At least, that’s it for this net! Maybe I’ll do this again with the other nets sometime, if you guys would like to see more. I do have another one that also very much needs a dusting, so we’ll see!

Thanks for tuning in!!

#IT IS COMPLETE #I hope you guys like it!#please let me know what you think because this was a lot of work!

12 notes · View notes

foxholistic77 · 3 years ago

Text

Ableton Amazon

To use any version of Live you need an Ableton account. It takes less than a minute to create one, and even less to log in if you already have one. Amazon.co.uk: ableton live 10 suite Select Your Cookie Preferences We use cookies and similar tools to enhance your shopping experience, to provide our services, understand how customers use our services so we can make improvements, and display ads, including interest-based ads. Amazon's Choice for 'ableton live' AKAI Professional APC Key 25 - USB MIDI Keyboard Controller featuring 25 Piano Style Keys, 40 Buttons and 8 Assignable Encoders, for Ableton.

Ableton is undeniably one of the most popular DAWs on the market, but it is quite pricey.

If you are just getting started with music production it can seem like a big investment, but is Ableton worth the money or is it superfluous? Can you get the same elsewhere for cheaper? Why do people consistently shell out for Ableton Live and other Ableton products considering the price?

Ableton Live is very good for certain types of producers, usually those in specializing in electronic music production. The live functionality, intuitive loop-based production, built in instruments, samples and effects and integration with Ableton Hardware make it well worth the high price tag.

If you do want a truly elite piece of software for making music, there aren’t that many options. If the workflow of Ableton suits your production style then this is another big plus point, as Ableton is quite unique in its layout. Plenty of musicians are happy to pay the price considering the features Ableton has.

The Ableton Pricing Model

Ableton Live has three versions. Intro, Standard and Suite. They all look very similar to start with, but if you buy Standard or Suite then you can enjoy extra VST instruments, effects and loops included. Plus, Ableton Live Intro restricts quite a few of the features and functions of the software.

While Ableton Live Lite might be decent for playing around and getting used to the interface, the cheaper price tag shouldn’t be enough to tempt in serious musicians. It is quite restrictive. For instance, you can’t add more than 16 tracks to a piece of music you are making. It is definitely designed to try and get you to upgrade to Standard or Suite.

Luckily, once you have purchased one version of the software, Ableton will let you upgrade, so you don’t have to pay the full price to get the next level of software.

This upgrade cosy is a bit of a hidden cost to consider, you do have to pay to upgrade if you want all the features of the new software. You can still carry on using the old versions of Ableton though but you will always feel like you are missing out on something! These new versions come out every few years on average. Ableton is currently on version 10.

The price for the full version is similar to the price of Pro Tools, a competing piece of software, which is also extremely powerful, and aimed at musical professionals. There are some cheaper alternatives, as we will come to later on in the article.

Which Producers Will Find Ableton Worth the Investment?

Arrangement vs Live View

Whether or not you find Ableton worth the money will largely depend upon how you use it, and if you find the workflow suitable for you.

The ‘Live’ in Ableton Live is there for a reason and the software is made with the idea of playing live heavily integrated. For this reason it has additional functionality to other DAWs and why it is favoured by many dance music producers who may want to take their creations to a live setting.

Instead of the linear “arrangement” window, Ableton also has its Live window, allowing you to audition loops and mess around with effects in real time. This is why so many dance music producers, and people who use a lot of loops in their production, have found Ableton to have a suitable workflow. This style is great for DJs who are used to working in looped modes, thinking of music in more of a live capacity.

If you’ve used DAWs before and like working in an ‘arrangement’ view then you may not even use Abletons ‘live’ view and that means you are paying a lot of money for something you aren’t using. There will probably be cheaper DAWs out there which will be just as useful if that is the case.

Alternatives if you would rather work in this “linear” fashion include Logic Pro and Pro Tools. There are some cheaper alternatives, too.

Whether you find Ableton Live worth the money isn’t just about how much it costs, it is about whether it aids your production or not. Many producers describe themselves as “clicking” with the Ableton layout. If you’re used to DJing and want to be able to audition loops in a more live environment then it certainly could be your production companion.

Hardware Integration

Ableton manufactures its own hardware, and there is a lot of third-party hardware designed to link up with Ableton Live and give you a hardware controller with an instant Ableton setup. Ableton’s own “Push” is one of the instruments that a lot of people like the idea of playing.

In the words of Ableton, “Push is an instrument that puts everything you need to make music in one place—at your fingertips.” If you want hardware too, this might come into your consideration.

Some hardware and even affordable MIDI keyboards come with Ableton Live Lite as standard, so this can be a way to trial the basic version of the software without having any extra expense.

How Will You Know if Ableton Live is For You?

We realise our answer to whether Ableton is worth the money is going to be frustrating for some people, as we can’t give you a “yes” or “no”. Plenty of people get a lot out of Ableton Live and would never switch to any other piece of software, which speaks volumes, but we definitely recommend trying it out.

Luckily, Ableton gives you a 90 day free trial of Ableton Live Suite. You can simply download the software from their site.

Some functionality is limited, and after 90 days you will have to make the decision of whether or not to pay for it, but this is pretty standard. The key is the fact that you will get to make the decision yourself after using Ableton Live for a period of time.

The question of ‘which is the best DAW’ is one you will find many conflicting answers for all over the internet. The reason for this is there is no one right answer. People tend to choose a DAW early in their production career and become familiar with it and often end up loving it.

I have used Ableton since I got a free copy of Live Lite when I was just 15. I am now familiar and comfortable with how it works and that is one of the most important factors. You don’t want to be spending hours or days re-learning a new piece of software when you could be writing music instead!

The Competitors to consider

Best if you don’t want to spend anything: Garageband

Readers of the blog may know I often rave about Garageband. This DAW gets a bit of stick because it comes free on Apple products but I think that is unfair. For a beginner, it is a great way to learn about music production and how to arrange a musical composition.

The software is easy to start using and comes with some pretty nice sounding virtual instruments as well as letting you record your own of course.

If you are simply interested in getting started now for free, then give it a go. As musicians, we can get bogged down in talking about software and hardware but in reality, those are just distractions from actually writing and recording music!

The downsides of Garageband will become apparent as you progress as a producer. You are very limited with the number of effects and plugins you can use and more advanced production techniques are really a no go. But because it was free you haven’t lost anything.

Ableton Launchpad Amazon

The other major downside is that you can only get Garageband on Apple products and so if you own a Windows computer or laptop you won’t be able to get it.

Once you are comfortable with the principles of recording music on Garageband, transitioning to a paid DAW like Ableton will be much easier. It’s a great stepping stone for a beginner.

Best if you aren’t interested in live performance: Logic Pro

If you are a Mac user, then you might be wondering whether Ableton Live or Logic Pro is more suitable for you to download and start using. Obviously, there is an element of personal preference, but both have an incredibly professional reputation and relatively simple layout.

The full version of Logic Pro is less than half the price of the full version of Ableton Live, which is a considerable saving.

If you have a free reign to spend as much as you want then this won’t come into your consideration, if you want something that is affordable as well as high-end then the affordability of Logic Pro might come into your thinking. Logic Pro still has plenty of virtual instruments and inbuilt effects, and the costs are considerably lower.

Once again I’m afraid Logic is only available on Apple products. But I do really recommend getting an Apple computer or laptop for music production which I explain in this article if you are interested.

Amazon Ableton Live

A Cheaper Alternative on Windows: Reaper

Reaper is a DAW that has increased in popularity immensely over the last few years. And this is mainly due to its very low price point.

You can get a non-commercial licence for Reaper for just $40 whereas a commercial licence is just $200. Most individuals will only need the $40 licence.

Reaper can be a little bit daunting to get started with as it has so many customisable elements. But that can be a strong point too. If you are comfortable with computers and don’t mind spending time getting to know the ins and outs of a piece of software then Reaper is a very cool option.

Where it falls down compared to Ableton are again mainly the ‘Live’ elements. It isn’t tailored in the same way towards dance music production or live performance. But if you are looking to record using acoustic instruments rather than produce within the computer using MIDI and loop based production then Reaper is a very interesting option.

Students and Teachers – Don’t Forget Discounts

Ableton Live 10 Suite

A quick reminder for those who are looking to keep costs down. If you are a student or a teacher and can prove that you are involved with an educational establishment then you can make use of discounts of up to 40%.

This significant saving can tip the balance of whether or not you want to buy Ableton or not. Ableton is not the only software offering this discount for students, but if you are eligible then you shouldn’t overlook the saving that can be made.

Conclusion – Is Ableton Worth the Money?

Whether or not Ableton will be worth the investment for you is an individual decision to make. There are plenty of cheaper (and even free) options out there but that doesn’t mean you should dismiss Ableton.

Ableton really shines for certain types of producers and musicians. If you like to write in loops, use a lot of MIDI or software synths then Ableton is hard to beat and is extremely powerful. You aren’t paying all that money for nothing.

Ableton Push 1 Amazon

That said you are paying all that money for nothing if you don’t use it to it’s full potential. If you are simply looking to record a few tracks using live instruments and vocals, Ableton is probably not the best option in terms of value.

Amazon Ableton Live 10

I personally use Ableton and have for years and so can vouch for it fully. If you think it could work for you give the 90 day trial a go and make sure you maximise that time. Explore the 1000s of Youtube videos about the software and watch people make tracks using it. If you are still unsure then try the Lite version next, you can still make some pretty cool tracks in that limited software. Then finally you can take the plunge on the final version!

1 note · View note

dadolorian · 4 years ago

Text

Just like me - Part 3

A/N: Here it is, part 3, i hope this makes up for their little split in p2 Credits: Thank you @oloreaa for being my Beta reader/editor !

Title: Just Like me Fandom: Prospect (2018) Ship: Ezra/Reader Warning: More talk of injuries/mental issues as a result. Word count: 6K + KILL ME Master List Request status AO3 Link Previous part Next part - coming soon

It was a good year and a half later when you landed back on central next. Almost two years since you had met Ezra originally. Simultaneously feeling like a lifetime had passed and feeling like you had just seen him yesterday.

True to your word, you had taken the next job you could, taking a standard contract to mine a newly discovered mineral deposit on a sulfur heavy moon for scientific research. It was a decent enough pay once you handed in your harvest to the research team. It didn’t provide you the rush that Aurelac harvesting did, though. It was the kind of job that was a ‘safe bet’, not a gamble, like it was on the Green. You might have waited for something more exciting, but you had wanted to leave central as soon as possible after you had said your goodbyes to Ezra. Wanting to push the memory of him away as quickly as you could. Stupidly believing that out of sight meant out of mind. You followed that job up with another on the same planet, harvesting a highly conductive metal similar to gold, it was used in electronics. It was not the most dazzling payload you had ever collected, nothing exciting or too complicated like the Aurelac, it was backbreaking and tiring, but it filled your pockets well. Despite it being the busiest job you had ever been on, constantly surrounded by the other harvesters on the teams or the research scientists, it was the loneliest you had ever felt on the job.The loss of Ezra’s companionship screamed loudest at you during that time, much to your annoyance. You had taken the job to distract yourself from him, not lament even more. As you laid in the crowded communal bunk, surrounded by people, physically closer to more people than you ever had been in your entire life, but more alone than ever. Ezra had made you feel like the only other person in the entire galaxy when you spoke, that feeling had not faded due to distance or time. What was once something that made you feel special, important, the center of the entire universe, now made you feel isolated and lost, forgotten, with no Ezra around, feeling like you were the only other person in the universe suddenly became soul crushing. You longed to see him more than all the points in the galaxy, you dreamt about losing yourself in a conversation with him once more, of becoming bewitched in his sparkling dark eyes and alluring, crooked smile. Oh to simply have him curled up beside you on your bunk, not even speaking, just there. You did not slowly start to forget about him as you had originally feared you would.

The return to Central was significantly different this time around, your days aboard the ship home made you more resentful of your past self, as you wandered the halls the two of you used to explore. You couldn’t bear to spend extended time in your quarters, that was where you had enjoyed his company the most, choosing to be in there only for sleep. The departure was much quicker than the last time, you pushed yourself through the busy crowd gathered in the ships entrance foyer to get out as quickly as possible. While the weather was nothing to note when you had last departed, this time it was raining, and dark, well into the night. The ship had landed much later than scheduled due to a passing meteor shower which only dampened your mood further. You had not once stopped thinking about him, you had been convinced you would get over him eventually, you often scolded yourself for how much you yearned for him, the two of you were never anything more than friends but you longed for him the way you imagined you would have a lover. It was like he was your other half, and now a piece of you was missing, ironic for two people who had both physically lost parts of themselves. Returning to the place you had last seen him did nothing to change those feelings. You pushed it away once more, cowardly retreating away from your feelings once again when given the opportunity to make things right. You knew he had to be somewhere on the planet, huddled up in a little home with Cee, you hoped so at least. He was ready to put so much work into becoming her guardian, it would be a huge disappointment if he had been unsuccessful. It would be so easy, to just go grab a phone and call, you knew the number by heart now. You would often trade your books for new ones on a job but you refused to part ways with the one Ezra gave you, even if the messy scrawl was etched into your brain forever. It was the only reminder you had of him, the only proof that he had ever actually existed in your life. You were never able to separate from it, no matter how much you had wanted to push his memory away. You passed the payphones, considering it for the briefest of moments before the call of the job listing board won out to you. Calling him meant confronting the emotions you were trying to bury, and facing your fear. ‘Coward,’ Ezra's voice echoed in your mind, the same thought that you heard every time you considered reaching out. You were terrified of what he would say if you ever saw him again. Shaking those thoughts out of your head, you made your way over to the flickering, beat up screen displaying all the departures, groaning as you went through them all. The next sling out for your company was more than a month away, meaning you had two options, stick around and take a break, or change to a different company. If you changed, you would forgo your 2nd class lodgings and ship, you didn’t have a hush deal with anyone else, so you would have to rent a pod just like every other prospector, your own quarters and ship was a luxury you did not want to pass up. You didn’t even have the chance to use your own ship for the last job, it seemed like a waste to not use it. You groaned loudly in annoyance, running your hands through your hair as you relented that you would have to wait for the time being, last time you never had the opportunity to revel in the spoils of your harvest.

You supposed this time you could, maybe that would be a better distraction. You trudged out of the arrivals and departures terminal you were in, past the wall of payphones again, hesitating for just a moment before pushing on, through the rain to walk to the strip where you knew there would be hotels. You didn’t bother with a cab, the strip wasn’t that far away and you were cheap, you could walk the distance. Your tired body protested however, the long boring trip after months of backbreaking work, mixed with the rain and delay in arrival, it all wore you down, the emotional baggage you were carrying certainly didn’t help much either. A walk that should have taken you five minutes tops once you left the space port took you close to twenty. The light rain turned into a downpour. It couldn’t get any worse.

Of course, when someone says ‘it can’t get any way worse’ the universe always seems to prove them wrong. And it seemed the ‘merciful’ universe was conspiring against you, because as you arrived on the hotel strip you were angered to find two were locked, no one bothered to come to the door no matter how many times you rung the service bell, one was shut for construction, another two were out of rooms and the last had a rather snooty desk clerk who decided, just by looking at you, that you couldn't afford their luxuries and you were promptly shooed away. You gave him a piece of your mind as you were escorted away, angrily flipping the clerk off as security escorted you out. This was the industrial district, not a place where high end clients tended to stay. You almost cried as you walked the streets alone, too tired to try and find a new place on foot or even formulate a plan. You were all but ready to collapse in a bus stop or under a bridge, ready to admit defeat and sleep anywhere that was dry when a buzzing light caught the corner of your eye. A singular, beat up old payphone. His number flashed in your head again. You were all but ready to push the temptation away until you realized you were already inside and dialing. Perhaps you were just a little too tired and desperate to stop. Your stubbornness vanishes in hopes for a dry, warm place to sleep. You held your breath in anticipation and dread, a potent mix of emotions swirled through your mind as you waited for it to either ring off or for him to answer. You weren’t sure which one you wanted more. “Hmm? Who the fuck is calling me so god damn early in the morning?” a familiar, tired voice groaned. Your breath hitched. “I swear you telemarketers never understand people need to sleep, I have to wake up early tomorrow- today I imagine for wor-” “Ezra” You whispered, voice barely there, interrupting his tired rambling. “A-Angel?” He gasped, sounding considerably more awake and alert. The two of you listened in silence, him waiting for your response, you struggling to talk. “Y-yeah, it's me,” you sighed, eventually breaking the silence, curling in on yourself to protect yourself from the cold and his reaction. “W-well not that I'm not happy to hear from you, because I am, exceedingly so, but what the matter? Why are you calling?” he asked cautiously, hopefully. “I-uh, I landed back in central like an hour ago...” you whimpered just a bit “I have nowhere else to go. No Hotels and no ride...” You heard some quick shuffling on his end, it sounded like fabric, sheets maybe? He was getting dressed, your tired mind eventually concluded. “Where are you? I’m on my way,” he said. Nerves and panic overcame you for a moment, suddenly faced with the realization that you would see him, as much as you wanted too, you were too scared to face the reality of being confronted by him again. “N-no, there's no need for that,” you stammered. “I shouldn’t have bothered you, I'm sorry I woke you-” “Don’t hang up!” he begged, pleading. It reminded you of the last night you saw him. Guilt stabbed you in the stomach and twisted. “Please, it's no trouble at all….. I’m not letting you sleep out there all alone, in this rain nonetheless. I am begging you, please let me help you out of this situation. I just want to make sure you're safe, so please, where are you?” You hesitated, biting your lip and listened to his deep, calming breaths before telling him your current location, tiredly reading dim, fluttering neon signs to help him figure out your exact position. He sounded pleased as he was getting ready to race out the door, apparently you weren’t too far from his home. He had to hang up as he headed out, begging you not to go anywhere before he galloped out his door. Once you were greeted with the dial tone once more you hung up the phone and sunk down slowly to the floor of the payphone, too tired to keep standing and soaked to the core as you waited for him. You weren’t sure how much time had passed, but you had almost fallen asleep, shivering in the cold when soft knocking on the glass roused you. There he stood, on the other side of the glass, drenched to high heavens, goofy, crooked grin you had missed so much, he greeted you with a wave of his one arm. He opened the door with a struggle, you shivered more as the cold night air hit you, and he helped you to your feet. “Easy, Angel, let's get you out this cold and into something dry,” he said, taking your bag from you and leading you in the apparent direction of his home, with his arm securely around you. His hand kept caressing you as you walked, and he constantly glanced at you as if checking you were really there. It was a good thing he lived so close, because apparently he didn’t have a vehicle. You supposed that made sense, driving with one arm would be difficult. He helped you walk all the way there, encouraging you to walk just a bit further each time you sagged tiredly. Before too long you were pulled into his small apartment, too tired to take it in and ready to collapse once more, on the floor if you had to, soaking wet or not. “Angel, I'm going to run the shower for you,” he said, setting your bag down. “I know you’re tired, but you are soaked to the bone. So let's get you warm and dry, hm?” he suggested leading you gently into an equally small bathroom. He ran the shower for you before going off to collect some dry clothes and a towel. “Here, get yourself all warmed up, you can wear these, your bag’s just as soaked as you are I am afraid, it doesn’t fare well for any of your spare clothes,” he said, handing them over to you. Grey sweats and a plain black t-shirt, they were his. “I’ll make the couch up , and you can take my bed.” You began to tiredly protest, mumbling an insistence that you would take the couch, but he wouldn’t allow that. Instructing you to get yourself warm and dry before you got sick. The only reason you relented, apart from being too tired to put up a decent argument, was because he wasn’t going to shower and warm himself up until you were done. Getting him sick wouldn’t help your guilt. Once you were finished in the bathroom, dressed in the spare clothes of his you walked out, half dead, he led you to the bed, helping your groggy mind remove your prosthetic, he placed a towel under it and leant it against the wall upside down. It was something you had never told him to do, but he had most likely noticed you doing it after every shower, back on your return from the Green. A gentle hand tucked you in, hushed whispers to you of how happy he was to see you again as he placed a soft kiss to your forehead and wished you sweet dreams. You weren’t sure how much your tired mind was conjuring it up, but you felt him caress your cheek tenderly before finally leaving. You were quick to drift off, the smell of him surrounding you and the sound of the shower running relaxing you and letting you finally succumb to sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy chatter and a boisterous laugh awoke you the next morning. Alarmed, you sat up quickly trying to figure out just where you were. The room was unfamiliar, a bed with worn, plain sheets, a dresser partially opened with unfolded clothes spilling out, your prosthetic leaning against the wall. The bedside table and the dresser had multiple novels piled on top of them, but otherwise the room lacked any other personal touches that might have helped your sleep delayed brain. You were alone, and in clothes that weren't yours. Thoroughly confused, you were about to panic, before the smell hit you, a familiar masculine smell you had not forgotten, even after such a long time. A smell you associated with safety, books and a singular warm arm embracing you. Ezra. That’s right, you had called him out of desperation last night. You listened to the voices in the next room, you recognised them as both Cee And Ezra. They were laughing together, you couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but they were happy, relaxed. You sat in silence, trying to figure out what to do. There was that stubborn side of you that wanted to run, to double down on the stupid belief that you had kept since you last saw him, simply because you were too prideful and afraid to admit to yourself that you were wrong. But realistically, you knew you could run anymore, you were in his bed, you would have to face him and accept the truth: that you had fucked up, that cutting him off had not made anything easier, that you had been miserable for the past year and a half, even though you had ended your friendship with him to avoid that happening. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ you thought to yourself as you heard what sounded like the front door close, and the muffle conversation ended. A few seconds later a gentle knock rapped at the door, Ezra cautiously poked his head into the room. A smile spread on his face when he saw you sitting up and awake. “Angel!” he praised, allowing himself to enter the room. He sat himself on the edge of the bed and took one of your hands in his, stroking your knuckles softly. “I have just made some breakfast for the Little bird, there's still plenty left, would you like some?” he asked, the familiar charming smile that you had missed so much still plastered on his face. You sighed and nodded, giving a timid smile back, put your leg on and quietly followed him out into the main living area, still holding his hand as he led you to your seat at the kitchen counter. Now actually awake you took note of the space. It was small, nothing fancy, just the basics in terms of furniture. A very small lounge area right by the front door, the kitchen directly to the right, with a small island and bar,. A similar sized table and matching chairs stood by the windows, and three doors in the little ‘hallway’ by the kitchen, the bathroom, Ezra's room and what you would assume was Cee's room. The only personal touches around the place was a mess of papers and more piles of books, just like in his room. You were too busy looking to realize Ezra had been speaking as he cooked up some breakfast, it was pancakes. “-And Birdie’s hoping to apply for a literary scholarship, she has the aspiration to become an author, surprise surprise. I instructed her that she has to dedicate at least one of her books to me, and that I intended to get her first copy, signed, mind you.” You managed to catch the end of what he was saying as he finished serving up your breakfast, putting the plate in front of where you were sitting at the little counter bar. He leaned onto the counter opposite you with a smile, allowing you to dig in. You ate in silence, appreciating just how much better the food was compared to the ship you had just gotten off. You were steeling yourself for the conversation that was coming, tension hanging in the air. “I missed you,” he eventually said after you had been sitting silently for too long. You didn’t know what to say, as usual, so you just kept on eating awkwardly, not looking at him. Mentally scolding yourself, ignoring your issues had proven to be ineffective, why do you bother keeping it up? “Please don’t tell me you already regret calling me Angel?” He sighed at your lack of response, brushing some of your messy bed hair from your face so he could see your eyes better. You shook your head. “N-no, I just don’t know what to say. I’m not like you Ezra. I can’t just..say how I really feel.” Frustrated with yourself, you looked down at your lap. “Did you miss me?” he asked, voice a mixture of hope and nerves. You sighed loudly, did he really think you didn’t? “Of course I did, Ezra,” you whispered, looking up and meeting his gaze. “I have found myself unable to stop thinking about you Angel,” he confessed, rubbing the back of his neck and turning away from your gaze. “Nothing I have done has quelled the longing in my heart for your company. I am happy, with this new life I have built with my Little Bird, but I must concede that I have not been successful in my endeavors to find a friendship that meant half as much as yours did to me.” Yet again you were at a loss for words, tears welled up in your eyes and you bit back a sob. “Angel?” he asked, concern thick in his voice when you let out the chocked sound and the dam inside you broke, the tidal wave of emotions crashing through you that had been pent up inside you for the past year and a half. He was quick to round the counter and pull you off your seat and into his embrace, soothing you with gentle strokes to your back. “Easy, Angel, easy,” he soothed. “Tell me what is upsetting you so?” You shook your head, unable to articulate yourself the way he seemed to do so with ease. “Are you upset about seeing me again?” he tried, you shook your head no again. “N-no, I’m happy to see you again, Ezra, really,” you mumbled into his shirt as you continued to cry. “But these are not happy tears, Angel,“ he pointed out, cupping your face gently and directing your gaze to his. He brushed a tear away with his thumb. “You are not crying because you are happy to see me. Which perturbs me. I beg of you to tell me what’s wrong?” “I’m just…” you trailed off trying to find the words, he was looking at you with such patience and support, silently encouraging you to continue. How could you have ever pushed him away? How could you hurt him like that? You did not deserve his kindness, his care, and yet, after pushing him away for no other reason than stubbornness and pride he still, still dropped everything to come help you out, even in the middle of the night in the pouring rain. You wanted to confess every thought, every regret for what you had done, proclaim to him how wrong you had been and that you were an idiot for not listening to him. But those words were trapped, all you could manage was a quiet whisper of “I’m sorry.” His body slumped as he let out a breath you didn’t notice he had been holding. His soft smile grew as he shook his head and pulled you in a tight embrace again. He placed a soft kiss on the crown of your head. ”And here i thought something was wrong,” he sighed, gently nuzzling the top of your head with his cheek. “I forgive you, of course I forgive you,” he murmured, not letting you go. He was just too good to you. “You were right,” your voice tight and eyes filled with more tears that threatened to spill. Your fingers gripped the material of his shirt tightly. ”I-I was just being stubborn and there was no reason to cut you out. How can you even look at me? All it did was hurt me more and I let it happen. I hurt you, Ezra.” He kissed the crown of your head once more. “That you did,” he began,“But I forgive you anyway, Angel. You did not do it out of malice or rancor. I cannot blame you for a misguided belief that you were protecting yourself, as much as your actions pained me, not when you have accepted your faults and have come to amend them.” “B-but I didn’t,” you admitted in shame, burying your face in his chest. “I had multiple opportunities to call you before last night, I passed them all up until my circumstances changed and I became desperate. I was actively trying to avoid seeing you again until I ran out of options.” “Such a stubborn woman,” he murmured, rocking you ever so gently in his embrace. “I truly do not care about any of that now, Angel. All that matters is that I was gifted the pleasure of seeing you again. That you did eventually decide to grace my life with your presence once more." Ezra beamed at you, before continuing, "I have sorely missed your company and I am simply too overjoyed about your return to me to even entertain thoughts about anything else." He paused, shifting slightly. "Just please tell me, now that you are here that you will not leave me once more?” Your arms cautiously wrapped around his middle. “I’ll have to go back to work eventually,” you muttered. “Not like that Angel, you know what i mean,” he said, cupping your face again so you could meet his gaze. “Tell me you won’t cut me out again,” he said, brow stern and eyes searching yours, searching for a truthful response.

Your lip trembled.”I won’t,” you whispered, voice quiet but resolve clear. “Okay, good,” he sighed, releasing his gentle hold on your face. “Then that is all that matters. We can put the past behind us and continue on.” “Just like that?” you asked, struggling to accept he was willing to forget everything that went wrong. “Do you want to sit down and talk about it?” He asked. “I am more than willing to, if that's what you wish Angel.” “M-maybe not right now,” you sigh, not quite ready to resolve all that emotional baggage just yet. “When you’re ready, then,” he said, soft encouragement in his voice, kissing your forehead and releasing his hold on you. “Come, let's get you sorted. Your belongings are still soaked, we can get them all washed and dried,” he hummed, trying to cheer you up. “I can do it at the hotel, when I find one,” you said, not wanting to trouble him. “H-hotel?” he asked, “I hope I do not come across as too selfish but I would very much like you to stay here. If you’re receptive to that idea?” “This is your home Ezra” you pointed out. “I don’t want to invade.” “Nonsense, you are more than welcome. I know it’s not fancy like some of the hotels you can stay at, so I understand if you would choose one over my humble little apartment, but in all honesty I was hoping you would stay, if only for a short while.” “What about Cee? This is her home too,” you pointed out, brows furrowed in worry. “I spoke to Birdie this morning before she left for school. She is more than happy to have you stay as well,” he said, folding up the blankets still thrown on the couch as best he could. “I made sure of that. I would never invite someone to stay if she was uncomfortable with the idea.” “I don’t want to trouble you any further-” you started. “It’s no trouble, please Angel,” he said, cutting you off. “I am asking because I want to, and I am not ready to say goodbye to you yet, even if it is just for a few hours.You can even take my room-” “Keeva no, Ezra,” you sighed. “I’ll stay, alright. I don’t want to say goodbye just yet either, but I am not going to make you sleep on the couch in your own home.” “I am quite alright with it Angel,” he said. “Yeah right,” you scoffed. I can tell just by looking at that thing you don’t fit on it properly. I’m smaller, I'll actually fit on it. And that’s final,” you said poking him in the chest. He was about to protest again, ready to insist but you interrupted him before he had a chance to voice himself. ”If you do not accept me sleeping on the couch I will go find a hotel,” you said, tone stern as you crossed your arms, challenging him to continue. He sighed, giving up. Reluctantly letting you take the couch so you would stay.

It felt good to have him back in your life, helping you once more, and you him, there was still a little tension between the two of you which you would have to talk about eventually, later, as you had agreed. For the time being, it was just nice to have him back. He helped you with all your wet clothes in his apartment buildings tiny laundry room, the two of you sitting opposite the running machines on the scuffed ground side by side as you waited, catching up. Absence had done nothing to wear at the connection you shared. He told you of the difficult process of becoming Cee’s legal guardian, the hoops he had to jump through. The desperate search for a stable job and apartment so he could provide for her. You felt another pang of guilt, having abandoned him in such a difficult time, but he assured you he felt no ill will. He now had 2 jobs, one meaneal labour job that wasn’t so difficult he couldn’t do it with one arm, and another at the spaceport you had just departed from, he was essentially a security guard. It was basic work, he had told you, nothing he took particular pride or passion in, just something to pay the bills and provide for Cee until she went to college. He confessed just how much he missed prospecting, he chased that thrill of a good harvest just as you did. He begged you to tell him tales of your last exploit back out into the stars. “Sorry Ezra, my last job was far from a thrilling adventure” you huffed, amused. “No gems or exciting digs. Just backbreaking labour to mine some standard ore, and help a research team dig up a newly discovered mineral.” “Angel, that sounds more than stimulating to me,” he said with a grin, stupid puppy dog eyes sparkling at you in hopes of a tale. “Tell me,” he urged excitedly, puppy dog eyes sparkling at you that you couldn’t resist. You sighed. “I don’t think I've ever been on a job so physically demanding. Nothing like the drops down to the Green. It was this huge team led by the researchers,” you explained, eyes cast down in thought as you tried to remember details. “It was… lonely,” you admitted casting your gaze down. “There was a potential for a pharmaceutical use for the mineral, it was difficult to collect, and fragile, so they hired big teams to collect as much as possible. Huge professional gig so everything was provided, and we got paid by the day as well as bonuses if we managed to collect more than the minimum requirement.” He whistled at that in awe. “Damn Angel, that sounds like that meant one hell of a payload when you were done then.” You hummed in agreement. “Yeah, not going to lie, it was a little boring compared to Aurelac harvesting, and difficult, but it was more than a decent pay,” you huffed in amusement before continuing. “The next one was basic, just, mining for ore. Standard kinda job, not one of the thrill seekers things either.” “We all get those kinds of jobs every now and then,” he nodded, leaning back and closing his eyes. You could imagine him reliving the memories of his former life behind those closed lids. Playfully nudging his shoulder to get his attention, you grinned at him when he brought his wistful eyes to meet yours. “You’ll be back there, soon enough,” you encouraged. A sad smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I truly want that to happen, Angel,” he sighed, tearing his gaze away to stare off at the opposite wall. “I must confide that I have begun to fear my severed arm has proven to be far too arduous to deal with certain tasks. I have taught myself to become ambidextrous in my writing but there are things I have discovered are too… difficult to accomplish now that I am without part of myself.” You listened to his concern with an understanding smile before leaning against him, resting your cheek on his shoulder, looking up into his sorrowful eyes that were staring into the distance. “Do you remember when I told you it gets easier?” you asked, barely above a whisper, he glanced at you before nodding slightly, sighing as he did so. “I meant it,” you continued. “It will get easier Ezra, when you get a prosthetic, well then, the world better watch out.” You took his hand in both of yours, giving it an encouraging squeeze and smiling at him. “What if I can't?” he asked, brows furrowed in worry , giving away a hidden fear. “What if I do not bounce back? And I stay this broken shell of my former self?” You rolled your eyes, he was the dramatic sort sometimes. “Ezra, look at me,” you whispered as he tore his gaze away again, you cupped his face lightly to bring it back to you. You weren't one to initiate physical affection from him, but his absence had made you crave it so much during your time apart, that you were willing to throw a little caution to the wind. “You’re not some ‘shell’-” you started, cut off when huffed and rolled his own eyes, not agreeing with you. ”Hey now, I never knew you before this,” you gestured to his missing arm with one hand. ”I didn’t know Ezra before, I only know this Ezra." To underline that, you poked him in the chest with a single finger. "And I like this Ezra.” You playfully flicked his forehead afterwards, laughing as he pouted at you. “Don’t pout at me like that, mister,” you snickered as he rubbed his forehead. “Look, ok, I don't think you're this shell, in fact, I wish I could express just how amazing I think you are, Ezra,” you started again, shy smile on your face. “But I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been there too, remember? I’m just like you. So if you’re having any self deprecating thoughts because you’re an amputee, then I'm afraid I will have to take that as a personal offence, because if you’re less of a man for losing your arm, then by that logic, I’m less of a woman for losing my leg.” Raising your chin at him, you stared him in the eyes, challenge written in your face. He looked at you, aghast, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. “Angel, I would never think that way of you-” “Good, then you can’t think that way about yourself either. It’s not allowed,” you said sternly, not allowing him any room to argue. “You lost an arm, so what? It’s a part of your life now and you just have to deal with it.“ He queried his brow at you. “I think I prefer your gentle consolations over this,” he mumbled, making you snort with laughter. “Sometimes, it helps to have a dose of reality. Recovery is a long process and it can’t always be soft encouragement. Sometimes it’s better to give you a shove than to hold your hand,” you said, letting go of his hand to empathize the point. “I like when you hold my hand, Angel,” he whispered, hand reaching to take yours back but hesitated. “Makes me feel safer than I have felt in a long time,” he said, you weren't sure if he was talking metaphorically or not, but either way it made your stomach flip. “Well,” you began, feeling a little flushed over his innocent little comment, voice pitched for a moment as you composed yourself. “You need a shove right now, but I hope me standing at the sidelines shouting that you can do it is a good enough substitute.” “So long as you are there Angel, it's more than enough,” he smiled, resting his hand on your knee instead. The machines in front of you finally finished their cycles, bringing the two of you two back to reality. You smiled and patted his shoulder before getting up off the floor so you could remove the clothes from the machines.

You couldn’t remember being so happy since the last good day the two of you had spent together. He helped you hang up your clothes on a small drying frame in his apartment, he playfully waggled his eyebrows at you as he hung up your underwear, to which you were mortified and threw a wet sock at his smug face as he cracked up.

He had called in sick from work that morning, you later found out, so he could spend the whole day with you. You sat with him on his couch, chatting with him as if the two of you had never been separated. Cee returned home late afternoon, it warmed your heart to watch Ezra get up and greet her with a small hug and ask her about her day, offering her help with any homework she had. She said hi to you, a soft smile on her face as she made her way to her room to do her homework, refusing Ezras offer of help.

She emerged again close to dinner time, Ezra having ordered takeout to ‘celebrate’ your return. You were left alone together as Ezra went to collect your meals at the apartment gate. “It’s uh, really nice to see you again,” Cee said to fill in the slightly tense silence. The two of you never had a meaningful conversation with each other, accepting that the other just came with having Ezra in your life. “It’s nice to see you again too,” you said truthfully, giving her a soft smile. She shook her head, “no, i mean, yeah. It is nice to see you but I meant, I’m happy your back. Da- Ezra has been kinda mopey, since he last saw you. He’s happy again, is what I was trying to say. He’s missed you.” “I’ve missed him too,” you said, charmed that she cared so much for her adoptive father's happiness. “He hasn’t shut up about you you know?” she said rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly as she revealed something Ezra probably wouldn’t want her telling you. “He kept asking me what he could have done differently, or wondering what you were up to, he was really worried about you, not knowing where you were.” You felt a pang of guilt hit your chest. “I didn’t mean to hurt him Cee, I hope you know that.” “Yeah, I do,” she sighed. “ I wasn’t happy to see him so upset, but no one was angry at you. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now, he’s happy now and you’re back together again.” “Together?” you balked. “W-we’re not together, just… friends. That’s all we are, friends,” you clarified feeling flustered and your face heating up. Cee snorted. “You’re just like him I swear-” she laughed , shaking her head as the front door opened and Ezra returned, brown paper bag in hand, declaring dinner was served with a cheerful tone. You didn’t have a chance to ask Cee what she meant, distracting yourself from your slightly flustered mind by helping Ezra serve and carry everything over to the couch where the two of you sat. Cee sitting adjacent from you on the floor, a content smile on her face as she watched Ezra happily chat with you while the three of you ate your meals.

TAG LIST @oloreaa @chaotic-noceur

#prospect #prospect 2018 #ezra #ezra from prospect #ezra x reader #ezra x you #ezra x ofc #my fic #JLM #Pedro pascal

18 notes · View notes