#but they'd get it done for me today
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Wish it weren't such a Herculean task getting my fucking meds organised every time.
#I couldn't go to my in-person appointment so had them send the prescription to my pharmacy#who then had to send it to my gp to rewrite it so i can get it through a government scheme much more cheaply#why don't I get the consultant to send it to my GP I hear you cry?#I asked and they won't do that#then the GP has to send it back to the pharmacy and I have to specifically tell them to fill it#if I assume they'll know to do this they won't#and I might have to get an entirely new prescription if a window of time on my original prescription has expired#because one of my meds is a controlled drug#so anyway I did ALL OF THAT#and my dad came home with only one of the meds I take and got very irate with me when I asked if they gave him the rest of my prescription#so I had to call the pharmacy back four times before they picked up the phone#at which time they took my number and told me they'd call back#they then said they never got a prescription for the other drug from my GP#so I had to call the GP and the secretary said he had apparently forgotten to do the second one#but they'd get it done for me today#so then I had to call the pharmacy AGAIN to let them know to expect it after lunch and to Please Fill It
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You ever have a day where you feel like you're doing everything wrong, even when you're like. just doing things you normally do. And are alone, so like the only person i could in theory upset/piss off/etc right now is me myself, and Yet the feeling persists
Yeaaaaah. That's today's vibe for me apparently lmao
#text post#it's fine bc i know it's probably just a culmination of a couple different worries that i should be able to address#in the coming days/weeks but all the same#my brain is pinging like no you immediately need to check with everyone you know that you aren't mucking up#but like. if that was the case they'd talk to me and let me know#and i could apologise recognise where/how I've fucked up and change what I'm doing/try to do better#some days i just can't turn off the 'everyone is frustrated with u & feeling worse bc u aren't recognising that u fucked up' feeling#bc sometimes it's true! i missed a cue or didn't properly pick up what was being put down/implied!!#and when i do that it just. kills me 💀#like i know that life does just involve fucking up sometimes and being in the wrong and apologising and doing better#but also oh god i need to know immediately if I've fucked up so i can do better and try to make things right#or as close to right as possible#i need to stop typing tags and get onto the survey sites and into the chores that need doing today#fr tho if i have fucked up recently & any friends on here know/have been nervous to tell me#pls just do. i want to know so i can try not to make the same fuck up again#the anxiety over feeling like I've fucked up something but haven't realised it is ten times worse than#being told i fucked up apologising and figuring out how I'm going to try and make things better#no more tags rn tho!! time to try and get something done!!!
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a little pick-me-up for you (suggestive nsft - don't open where the other court goers can see you 🤭)
this art reminded me about one of your kinktober fic ideas, you know the one))
https://x.com/unalepidoptera/status/1847990954298417448
Ahaha, thank you, anon!! I looove that (and that artist! They've been doing so much amazing work for kinktober!!)
#thank you for distractions from court too haha#cross-examination yesterday was A Lot! 0/5 stars do not recommend getting cross-examined by lawyers#my sister's lawyers said i did really well though and came across very clear and calm#which is nice because i felt like my heart was trying to climb out of my chest for most of it lol#and they told me beforehand that they'd do mop up after my sister's ex's lawyers were done with me if i fucked up#and they didn't so i do think they were being honest haha#court was really intense in general yesterday#like it truly is a bloodsport once you're in a courtroom with barristers#day 3 today and it'll be a long one#but hopefully tomorrow will just be final submissions and closing statements now#my sister's unlikely to get a result immediately though so it'll be a bit of a waiting game from the sounds of it#fingers crossed but it does seem to be going well for her
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i love topten's twitter handle (top10987654321) but i hate having to fucking type it into the search bar when i wanna see what he's up to dfgsdfgdsfgsdfgdfg
#em post#anyways he's getting his makeup done but no schedule posted for today that i can see... maybe photoshoot maybe something else#but i wish they'd just tell me
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me, softly, while opening a can of mountain dew w/ josh asleep next to me and percival chillin in front of me:: crackin open a cold one with the boys
#it's 5:22 AM#hopefully today is better than the last couple#but even if it's not at least i have cheese popcorn and no plans#no need or reason to get up and get dressed#its been a busy week for me outside of the house and i hate it <3#the only plan is to mail boxes when josh gets done with work but he doesn't need me there for that part#i'm so excited to FINALLY send those out#really nervous they won't like their gifts but i'm trying to stay optimistic lol#maison speaks#i got sidetracked while writing the tags bc i wanted to see if they sent their addresses#an irrational part of me was worried they'd tell me to not bother or to fuck off instead fjgkskfkf#but nope! i got addresses~#it's now 5:32 AM#for why tho
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one day i will buy a leather coat and i will never have any problems ever again
#sorry the photos arent so good I wasn't trying#on an excursion to the neighbouring town today to shop for some necessities#tried on leather coats in the vintage store just to check what they'd look on me because i always figured im too short#IT FIT REALLY WELL ...... it was just a little too tattered for That Price. so some other coat some other day#but it's nice to know my hopes and dreams are within reach!!!!#i didn't get that much shopping done because i saw that they played suzume at the cinema#NO REGRETS. REAL GOOD MOVIE. STILL RIDING THAT HIGH
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Song of the Day: March 15
“Over Yet" by Hayley Williams
#song of the day#very exciting to have one of my brothers tell me entirely unprompted that he's enjoying the current playlist#a very big win#I spent most of my work day today doing what I've been thinking of as 'evil rubber-ducking'#where the IT guys throw me the especially Difficult faculty members--the ones who can't be helped because they won't listen--#and I trick them into actually talking me through what they're doing so we can find the problem and fix it#(eternally amazed by people who request help and then refuse it. you called me bud. you submitted a service request ticket on purpose.#oh you can't do your job without connecting to the vpn? that's great we can't fix it until you tell us what's fucking stopping you)#mostly this 'tricking' takes the form of me being a sweet young butter-wouldn't-melt Southern girl in over my head with mean IT guys#bless them (derogatory) these folks who won't let IT even attempt to start working through the 'have you tried' scripts#because they know they're getting something wrong but are too angry-embarrassed to admit they don't know what#are still delighted to mansplain the idea of a remote connection to me#--that's not fair. I shouldn't mischaracterize them it's mostly not mansplaining.#the two today were yankee-splaining me. city-splaining maybe.#what would a hick like me (y'all is one person. all y'all or some'a y'all for multiple people) possibly know about enterprise networks--#anyway they were using the wrong login credentials and were so sure of themselves they'd never even tried the other set just to see#bless. their. hearts.#(IT owes me so many little favors like this now. the latest database tweak I asked for got done live while I described it to them)#anyway anyway! love the chorus on this song#'to get out of your head yes break a sweat / baby tell yourself it ain't over yet'#makes me move my head every time
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homestuck 🤝pokemon scarlet & violet
time shenanigans
#jay ocs#pokemon spoilers //...? sort of?#here are some tags to put all the spoiler type thoughts further down where people will not see them.#uhhh. how about the weather today? sure is weather out there.#one more tag should do it. ok. now i am going to talk about my feelings.#ANYWAY. for a game with time travel/timelines as like... a running theme/major gimmick they really did not. go anywhere with it huh#like they really said 'this is a game themed to THE PAST AND FUTURE!' and the extent to which that was expounded upon was#uhhh. you get mecha guys and dinosaur guys. and That's It Son#don't get me wrong i like mecha guys and dinosaur guys. i just kinda wish they'd done a little more with the concept.#which isn't to say i want everything explained! i like it when stories have open ends that allow for speculation & interpretation.#but like. i would have liked Something. maybe. a Little bit of explanation. a side story about heath's expedition maybe. a little extra lor#i guess you could. uh. say kitakami is more classic while blueberry academy is more futuristic but like...#sure. ok. whatever man#[shrek voice] they don't even have celebi#anyway here's Guy Of The Future and Guy of the Normal and they both have Depression
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🕺🏾🕺🏾🕺🏾🕺🏾
#omg also gonna redye my hair today#i got a lot of red dye and already refreshed my color#but im a little sad its like too pinky for my taste still cute tho#but anyways im gonna bleach to add some more color in#i kinda wanna do like the very ends of my hair red and dye the rest black#but i need to figure out how to do layers on my hair first for that#also MIGHT GET MY NOSTRIL PIERCING DONE FINALLYYY#i wanna get both sides done for symmetry + three nose piercings then but also idk bc i heard they suck to heal#idk tho i'm finalky living my emo dreams and i'm so happy nowadays#like i just rly like how my style is developing and ik baby glow always wanted these things but never thought they'd get them 🙈#AHHHH IDK I THINK SMTH ABT TURNING 20 SOON HAS ME ALL REFLECTIVE I'M SO AJGDJDJDJ#glow gabs
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roommate has covid (again) (I hopefully dodged it bc I've been out on a work trip all week but still). I apparently got assigned awhile ago to lead next week's work trip but today is the first I heard about it so I'm scrambling to prepare everything on time. a covid conscious person I connected w/ online is coming to visit tomorrow and I'm stressed bc I have to get a bunch of work done before then and also I hope the vibe is cool in-person and that we can be friends! also none of my coworkers have said they can cover my shift tomorrow even though I put the request in the group chat weeks ago and I cover their shifts whenever I can. i am on day 32 of a 41 day stretch of working every single day with only two days off including 9/5 and tomorrow (IF one of my coworkers steps up...) . and then my next day off, in October, isn't even really a day off because I have to drive 4 hours round trip to the nearest city to get an MRI to see whether or not my recently diagnosed genetic disorder has given me internal cysts or tumors. I am hanging on by a thread haha
#god I fucked myself over so bad by having multiple part time jobs instead of one full-time + maybe a flexible side gig like I did last year#don't do it folks#anyways I finally get 4 days off in a row in October and I am going to sleep soooo much#the only thing keeping me afloat today is that I met w/ my former boss abt working for him doing rare books stuff this winter#and it's pretty much the perfect side gig#so i'm going to quit my other one the first week of october i think. finally#personal#im also sad and mad bc my roommates ruined the last batch of fireweed i harvested and bc i've worked so much this month i haven't been able#to go harvest more#i'm hoping that the covid conscious person & I can do that tomorrow! they'd like that i think#but ugh i wanted to forage so much this fall (prickly pear and rose hips and whatnot)#and i haven't had the chance bc i fucking work all the goddamn time and now most things are done#i also haven't checked on my community garden plot in weeks and i know im missing so many ripe tomatoes and peppers and stuff#god it just enrages me how much i have to work just to scrape by. how work demands all of me and leaves no time or energy for anything else#antiwork
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I should draw my third and fourth (fourth and fifth if you count Meowscarada and Ceruledge separately) Pokémon in their Gigantamax forms
#gigantamax#hatterene#cinderace#gigantamax hatterene#gigantamax cinderace#I wanted to put emphasis on the fact that I prefer GMax to Megas#other ideas for drawings I've had today that I didn't get done (why do all my drawing ideas today include at least one starter Pokémon?):#Chesnaught Delphox and Greninja but Terastalised with the Rock Fairy and Poison Tera types respectively#(guess what possessed me to choose those Tera types)#and Robert with a Meowscarada because Dr. Stewart and Meowscarada for Smash#I told you they each included at least one starter (Cinderace all Kalos starters and Meowscarada)#bc I'm back in that mood I was in in Gen 7 where I love the Kalos starters only now the Terastal phenomenon exists to make em even better#who cares about giving them Megas in DLC when you can just turn them crystal and change their type#Terastalisation is my favourite gimmick followed by GMax followed by Z-Moves then Megas#Z-Moves are only that low because they're not transformations#you would think that would mean they'd be lower than Megas but hey I just think Megas are overrated#an alternative to the Terastalising idea is#Ches being like “embrace rocks” Delph being like “fairies are real” and Gren being like “I'll kill you" while holding a bottle of poison#but the Terastalising idea is prettier
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we finally got got the camp and playground rules posters i asked my boss to get printed, and someone redid all my beautiful and thoughtfully-made typography... :'c
#why is it in all caps now!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE did my BOLDED TEXT go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *WHO CHANGED THE FONT????????????????*#this unironically made me so so so so so sad at work today#this wasn't just done william-nilliam!!!!!! like idc that the background changed that's whatevs to me#but my TYPOGRAPHY............................................................................#i am going to kill whoever made it all-caps and then [redacted for excessive violence] whoever changed the font#the worm speaks#also this week at work we have a group of kids who speak mostly cn bc they're from tw or mainland (mostly tw hehe)#n the tw kids were here last week actually but anyway i guess we got a new mainland kid this week#she asked me on monday if i was from mexico n i was like 'unfortunately i regret to inform you that i am asian.'#anyway as my soul had been languishing at my violated typography she came up to me n was like 'teacher is tw the same as china?'#or like 'is taiwan a part of china' sort of thing. similar enough you get the gist. n i was like. confused for a sec bc like.#that felt like a rather political question to be asking! anyway i was like 'what? no.' n i was surprised when she was SHOCKED#she was like 'WHAT? [repeats question more insistently]' n i was like 'no. it is not.'#n i guess she had been having an argument w/the tw kids bc they came up excited like they'd won an argument#n they were like 'teacher is from taiwan ofc they [know? will say? forgot specific wording] tw is tw & cn is cn'#n it reminded me of similar arguments i had w/one of my peers i had in middle school o(--(#ALSO. i saw the kids playing this one clapping game called 'pikachu' that apparently only exists in our direct area#n i was like 'omg. the children still play pikachu'#i say 'apparently only exists in our direct area' bc i have asked friends who went to school in the NEIGHBORING DISTRICT who had NO IDEA#what the HELL i was talking about. i found EXACTLY ONE RECORD of its EXISTENCE online!!!
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thinkin thinkin thinkin about future doll projects...
#today's art adventure#got a couple of options to work on in the summer that I'm rotating#but of course there are the difficulties of style and scale and skill that I'm putting into them#been thinking of maybe making alan and david but I'd like them to match with the heron boys and I don't know if I could get it to work#since my style does change a lot over the course of even a few months#which is why I've never done a livesey and trelawney to go with the smollett I made last year - it's just too tricky to make a good set#then I very much have been putting off hornblower and bush for over a year. but eh who knows.#technically I never finished jack and stephen from two years ago but I've improved so much since then that I'd rather start from scratch#the proportions are so messy and none of the joints work and they are very very sticky as it happens#my dad wants me to make a lighthouse keeper to do dollhouse stop motion with but I might make the moth and compass guys instead#since I think they'd come together nicer at 1:1 scale anyway#of course the dream of dreams would be to learn computer sculpting and do a 3d-printed version of the shipwreck steel guys#joe would look nice in some sort of translucent resin I think...#but That is simply building castles in the air.
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#okay rant time lol. spoilers for 6x18#i think i will have to say that this may have been my least favourite of all 6b episodes#haha ik i should probably give myself time to process the episode but idk i'd rather just write everything out#i just. just yesterday i was complaining about some people treating 911 like it's the buck show and today... it was the buck show?#and like! an episode being extra focused on one character is absolutely fine!! great even!! i really enjoyed 6x11!!#but in the season finale you expect each character to get a more equitable amount of focus right?#and like. even 4x14 which had a significantly less focus on eddie than one might expect had the will scene#and maddie had a bit less focus in that episode too but even she quit her job and it was obvious she was Going Through Stuff#and these slightly restricted screentimes gave jumping off points for their respective very spectacular s5 arcs#but this episode? like it wasn't that it didn't focus on other characters but it was mostly buck#and... idk man it does make sense given that he had the longest running plotlines this season but also#i just wish we had focused more on other characters as well#and like? as for buck? the couch?#i'll be honest i'm disappointed they introduced romance this season for buck at all when the season began with him choosing to be single#i really thought he wouldn't date at all for this one season at least yk?#and yeah ik we live in an amatonormative world but cmooon a guy can have his happy ending without getting together with someone#also bucktalia feels a little odd to me rn especially given the number of false starts they had#if they'd done this exact same storyline but at the beginning of next season i'd probably love it... right now tho i'm very meh over it#as in there is potential but it's like... idk mannnn why do we need him to end up with someone at allllll... i'm too aro for this shit#starting something new this close to the end of the season instead of tying off the two arcs that were already ongoing for him#was certainly a choice#aah well. at least natalia seems good for him. she came back which is the most important thing buck would want in a partner right?#still tho. i really wish we'd gotten to know more about the new henren baby than we did#i wish we'd gotten to see madney discussing plans instead of just the exact moment where they decide they want to marry on the patio#i wish we'd gotten the entire conversation that lead up to chris hyping (or snarking at) eddie to call marisol#i wish we'd gotten bathena hurriedly packing for their trip and may making fun of them as she helps#i just wish we'd gotten more of others!!#oh well. at least we still got chimney time and captain hen and cheddie working together and hen and eddie leaning on each other#you win some you lose some i guess#anyways if you actually read all the way til down here thank you for your time hehe
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god i feel so fucking stuck. it doesn't sound like i'm getting that job i really wanted after all, which means my only real option forward is to take the supervisor role being created in my office.
they want me for this role. everyone at office level who advocated for its creation had me in mind. it's not really a career path i'm interested in, but it's something.
only problem is my patience and tolerance for Nightmare Coworker is getting shorter by the day. she blew a gasket again today when some r&d folks—whose arrival had only been mentioned to me offhand—showed up. because she wasn't told by the manager herself. she stormed away to go on a walk, came back, and stormed away again to have a long chat with the manager. manager is apparently only doing what the previous one instructed her to: rely on the two point people in the clinics. which, yanno, makes sense.
(fuck. maybe i should take the managerial track. so i can be there for my team like my managers in this job haven't been, and fire the fucking toxic mold spore before she infects the clinic.) (and honestly, because no one has left over her yet, that's likely why nothing has happened. but where the fuck am i supposed to go? back to the fucking donut shop???)
Nightmare Coworker is in absolute denial that she is not The Best, in denial that people with some modicum of power in our office want me promoted, and in denial that it could ever fucking happen. the only thing she has convinced herself of is that i'm going to "get promoted and leave" which. i fucking WISH.
but here we are. no offer in sight for the thing i want most right now. no exit signs for hundreds, if not thousands of miles from here.
i want to take that damn supervisor promotion, but i can't even message my own manager without Nightmare Coworker reading slack over my shoulder and then having a meltdown about it. how am i supposed to go talk privately to my manager, have an interview with her? Nightmare Coworker's going to fucking flip her shit when the reality of an internal promotion with my name on it comes to light. and i DON'T have the energy to cope with it. the only outcome that might not break me is if she has a massive meltdown and quits on the spot. no notice. and i don't know how realistic that is to expect.
myself and others at this office are surprised and demoralized that Nightmare Coworker was not fired months ago. and honestly in hindsight i think Old Manager was far too soft. he was supportive, but too supportive, to the fault that accommodating everyone means accommodating no one. and current manager is spread paper thin, which is why she needs an office supervisor. but the window to get this person fired without invoking catastrophe has long since passed.
i wish i could turn my cold, frozen fear into spite or vengeance. to internally be grinning from the sidelines as i light the match and toss it into the massive pile of kindling and firewood that Nightmare Coworker has dug herself into, and set her ablaze. i wish i could feel anything other than fear.
#personal#i'm going to wait until next week when i can talk to my manager in person#i don't feel like it's okay to tell her that i think Nightmare Coworker will *quit* over me getting promoted#but i can and probably should say everything but that#'Nightmare Coworker has expressed on multiple occasions how distraught she would be if i was promoted over her'#and 'considering her volatile outbursts every time something crosses my desk that she expects should also cross hers i am deeply concerned#about what will happen if i pursue this promotion'#i'm kicking myself now for not documenting every. single. outburst BUT that shouldn't be FUCKING REQUIRED.#i'm constantly in the fucking CROSSFIRE#last time she went off on a patient i was cleaning it up for a WEEK#the Early Shift Mailman didn't come in today because she is always so rude to him for Daring To Come Early#i had to entertain a whole fucking team of engineers for over an hour by myself while she dealt with her meltdown#because manager only mentioned in a throwaway comment to me that they were coming#(back when i was new and wasn't directly told these things by management#was i mad? fuck no! it's not my fucking problem unless management makes it my problem!!)#and it's not like manager did more than say that people were showing up at x time. didn't say wht they wanted. how long they'd stay.#nothing fucking *helpful*. so it's not like i'm getting this fucking red carpet treatment. i'm not. i'm just a fucking grunt too#we're all spread thin and frankly the lady who can't even keep up with her basic workload is NOT suited for more complex responsibilities#as soon as she came in this morning she started bitching about how much work i left her. work that was only left because *she*#went home early on friday. and takes 4x as long to do even the simplest of tasks#in the time it took her to file 30? 40? pages in between looking at her phone? i filed close to *200*#and she complains that she has too much to do#she can't even put down her phone while talking with patients who are standing right in front of her. her phone's too important#it's fucking disgusting and frankly i miss the setup at my old job where the manager sat right. fucking. next. to. us.#and breathed down our necks all day. THAT's why we went through 7 front desk people in the 2yrs i was there. because behavior was SEEN.#i'm so fucking done with this. i'm so fucking tired. i just want OUT
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#i have so much going on and so much to be anxious over#ive noticed that since i started therapy ive been better about prioritizing things and not getting anxious over everything all at once#at least as much as i used to#like im trying to not get anxious about hypothetical job interviews when i still need to worry about applying#and im trying to handle a few things at a time and not get overwhelmed#but i was really really hoping id get the job i interviewed for on Thursday. and then i could be done with being anxious about jobs#but i didn't#or they at least haven't gotten back to me yet#and now im doing things that i scheduled to be anxious about after the interview#but im thinking about how i need to keep looking for a job too#and i set a time to call another place. but then they said they'd call me back#so i got all worked up about that and then nothing came from it#and i scheduled it so it would be done#but i did my part and its still not done !! and i still have a future phone call to be anxious about!!#i had a few things scheduled for today. and after the last one i was supposed to be able to relax#well. i just did the last one.#but now im waiting on a call back.#i wish i had gotten that job just so i wouldn't have to deal with this anymore
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