#and now im doing things that i scheduled to be anxious about after the interview

[florida3exclamationpoints]

.

[chalametluvrz]

dating timothee chalamet

timothee x afab!reader (mainly gn! expect on nsfw bits)

towards the start of the relationship, i think he'd be pretty anxious

he'd often find himself messing around with his hands a lot on dates

or stumbling over his words a little too much with a small giggle

if you've ever seen old interviews of him when he was younger. you know the ones where he gets all shy and giggly? that's exactly how i envision him to be with you

after some time, that's slowly replaced with his hyperactive ass

and let me tell you, boy never shuts the fuck up that's not a bad thing

because of his schedule, he rarely gets to see you in person

so whenever he does, he just has so much to tell you and so much to talk about that he just ends up coming out with a cluster-fuck of words

he always tries to facetime you at least a couple times a week

and let me tell you, the call will always start with him saying 'oh, i missed your pretty face' or 'seeing you has made my day'

boy is madly in love

and even though he hasn't said it yet, it's fairly obvious he's not hiding anything

he's the kind of person to want to keep your relationship on the down low

because if you're also famous, he wouldn't want to cause any issues or drama through tabloids

and if you aren't, he'd feel awful dragging you into the world of hollywood

eventually though, as most celeb relationships do, you got found out

someone caught you out on your 6 months anniversary

and that was it; twitter was going mental

timothee soon figured out that he probably had to say something

but honestly, he was kind of relieved he didn't have to hide you anymore

the morning you two woke up and saw yourselves going viral on twitter, there was a bit of a mad scramble between the two of you

before eventually, timothee chilled out

'but now i don't need to hide we're together, anymore. i can let the world know you're mine.' he'd say to your confusion at his relaxed state

cute but also now all of timmy's fans are stalking your instagram

cooking meals together!!!

i have a feeling timothee's love languages are more tailored towards physical touch and acts of service tell me im wrong

so cooking together is such a beautiful thing for him

as much as timothee loves taking you out, i think he'd much prefer to cook a fancy pasta dish together with wine over that any day

he also strikes me as a cosy movie date guy

but honestly, it more than likely turns into something else

don't fight me on his, he's a horny guy

like bro would get a hard-on just snuggling with you

when you first started dating, he'd get all shy about it

he'd apologise frantically and his face would be redder than ever

after dating for some time, he'd be less phased

unless you showed and expressed discomfort with it of course

after the shock of you dating slowly weaved out of the fans

timothee would definitely start posting you on his instagram

he just needed the world to know how obsessed he is with you

arguments are rare

extremely rare

they usually only happen when timothee is stressed

feelings get heated and you end up making some snippy comments at each other before one of you gets up and leaves the room

after you've both had time to cool down, you're both mature enough to talk it out and apologise for whatever each of you or one of you has done

communication is a big thing for timmy, so i think arguments are heavily avoided because he encourages you to come to him about anything

any concerns, rants and problems you have, he wants to know

he's a flirter, let me tell you that thankfully not with others

always dazzling you with compliments

you're in the crowd at a press tour? he's staring, smirking and winking at you the whole time

you're supporting him whilst he's on set? the man can't take his eyes off you and is coming to hold you the second the shot is taken

you're on facetime? every odd sentence is him saying some suggestive comment or simply how stunning you are

the man cannot get enough of you

going back to the horny thing...

he has a high sex drive

there's absolutely no doubt about it

he is a giver!!! the man aims to please!!!

could eat you out for days

i've already made a headcanon about him eating you out so i will be brief BUT!!!

he's messy!!! the wetter the better!!!

will overstimulate you with hid tongue any day

and then make sure you cum on his cock as well

you know what they say about tall, skinny boys? wink wink

i'd say he's a good 7 inches, 7 1/2 at a push

he knows how to please you, and he's eager to learn what makes you tick

even though he's mainly a dom, i can see him being a sub at times

only on rare assurances though

being his date to things like the met gala, oscars etc

after being open about your relationship, he couldn't wait to take you everywhere and anywhere with him

loves it when you wear his clothes

but i feel like all boys do?

especially when he's away, opening up a facetime call to see you sat there in one of his t-shirts. he actually thinks his heart might implode.

this boy will actually love you with his whole heart

the cutest, softest and proudest boyfriend around fr

[kyurizeu]

#18 - I missed you. (Im)possibly fate

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Recent - masterlist - next

Warnings: cursing, awkwardness, boring ass convos, bad grammar

Word count: 1,2k

A/n: hello everyone! I’m trying to come back to tumblr tho it really hard because i have no ideas for stories. So help is very much appreciated! I havent proofread this (oops)

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

The week had passed quicker than expected. You hadn’t had any energy or motivation the whole week because your biggest energy source wasn’t there. You were way too scared to go talk to Jungwon as a result of possibly irritating him again, so you decided it would be best if he just thought about it alone. Although it did pass your mind to go talk to him and make him feel bad about being distant, you knew it was unfair; you were in the same situation after all. You felt like he was mad because for the whole week he didn’t send a single message, not even a "gm" or gn," so you were anxious about seeing him again, especially with the same conversation. It would’ve been smarter to text him and get all of the worries out of the way, but before you knew it, it was Thursday morning, and you had to talk the whole thing over again.

Just like your everyday routine, you got ready and left the dorm with your members. The day's schedule was filled with a couple meetings, scheduling, and promotions, and later in the evening, the most important thing was an interview with Jungwon about the song.

You sighed and sat down in the meeting room. You were the first one there, which was definitely not fun. Whoever is the first person to be in the meeting room has to wait for everyone to come separately and stay quiet and awkward when there's only one or two just sitting. So you took out your phone and scrolled on it, afraid to look up when someone entered the meeting room. "Good morning, yn," said Jungwon. You looked up at him, trying to read his facial expression to match his feelings. Oh, hello, Winnie," it was so awkward. You two hadn’t spoken in a week and were a couple; the room atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Should you even call him "babe" anymore, or does he want to break up? You started to fidget with your fingers while overthinking everything until your thoughts were interrupted by him again. "look umh… Things have been a little strange between us the past week, but I just want you to know that I’m not mad or anything." He sat down across the table. "I didn’t text you because I tried to give you space. I realised that it could seem like I’m trying to pressure you to make up your mind." "I did that too." It was still strangely awkward, but you just needed to say something. "Jungwon?" He looked back up at you from his phone. "I missed you so much." Your lips formed a straight line. Jungwon got up and gave you a warm hug, and without a word, you felt so much more comfortable. "I missed you too, sweetie." Just then the meeting room doors opened and more people came in. Jungwon didn’t sit back on his original chair, but now next to you. The meeting started about 3 minutes later.

Okay, so today we have arrangements. We need to plan the meetings, interviews, promotional activities, and the rest of the week so they fit into both Jungwon’s and Yn’s schedules. But first we have the big question. Jungwon and Yn wanted to take it into consideration to let them make their relationship public. What do we do?" Your manager started

Well, um, me and Jungwon took some time thinking about our opinions on it separately." You stated this, and Jungwon nodded next to you.

Okay, so what do you two think?"

"I was thinking about pros and cons for both scenarios. I came to the conclusion that, in my opinion, It’d be better if we went public."

Jungwon finally told me which decision he ended up with.

"Don’t you think that it’s more on the bad side to go public, though? The public is spreading rumours and isn’t making things easy for either of you." His manager spoke up.

"Of course the fact that the public is suspicious and spreading rumours about us isn’t good and would hurt our case, but they have in fact spread them for a while now, meaning that they have become a little normalised, which takes away the problem, plus my fans haven’t sent anything weird to live comments or anything like that, unlike when the rumours started a little over a week ago."

You stared as Jungwon defended his decision, and you couldn’t help but admire the way he was explaining everything. His hands waving in the air made cute gestures, and his brows moved up and down, making him look more convincing. His dimple popped up on his cheek at times when he was talking, and your mind told you to boop it with your finger, but then you heard your name being called out.

O-oh, yes, what?"

"Which choice do you find more smart?"

Oh, yes, well.. I thought about how our future in our careers would go in both directions, and I have to admit that our careers would suffer a little from going public, but then I thought about our future together, which has nothing to do with our careers. I realise that we can survive a little damage, no matter if it’s with our careers or not, or even a lot of damage, when we have each other. I assume also Jungwon’s but especially my career would get a little damage from either situation since being away from Jungwon would take a lot of energy and motivation from me. I learned that this week. I would be able to get through rumours, hate, scandals, and god knows what else if I had Jungwon by my side. So going public Is definitely my choice."

You nodded at your manager after letting your thoughts out, and he gave a quick glance at Jungwon, as did you. He was smiling cutely, and he looked back at you. "Well.. i guess if we can plan the rest of the week in this meeting, i guess that’s what we will do, unless our plans clash with going public. See, we haven’t planned anything where you two would have the opportunity to announce it."

"Well, we don’t have to do some big splashy reveal. We could just go live and tell everyone, or maybe walk hand in hand somewhere and let the news spread."

Ooh, does that mean I can post the cute picture I have of myself in your hoodie?" You turned to your boyfriend, who chuckled in response. "Not the best way to announce this," he said, patting your head, and you fake pouted. "Let’s discuss the reveal when you get better ideas; we need to do a lot more."

And so the meeting ended happily, just as you wanted it to. Jungwon and you walked out of the room, and he pulled you into a big hug again. "The explanation why you wanted to go public was so cute. God, I really do love you," you smirked, looking up at him while you were squished between his arms and chest. He gave you a quick peck, and you two had to leave to do your own work for the day.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

Taglist:

@harperwasstaken @strwberrydinosaur @letapostropheesgo @yngwife @chogolei @ddeonmixx @j-wyoung @xiaoderrrr @vivibelov3d @ablackbtsstan @chaechae-23 @vizstars @tlnyjoong @ahnneyong @deobitifull @jungwonnieee @yumilovesloona @ikeu4life @nyxtwixx @s02zjy @choclate32 @soobiverse @maimoirs @gigi-honeyjaes @kimiplx @jakeify @sullkyoons2 @hoonieluv @minnesueng @luvmura

[junicai]

Relationship with NCT 127

➣ Taeil ☾ taria 

taeil is the Sole Protector of aria’s sanity 

taeil loves his maknaes so much, but he literally looks at her like she put the stars in the sky 

the Proud Dad smile :’)

when aria first debuted, czennies thought that she was the same age as jungwoo - because she acted older than her age - but with taeil she lets her inner kid come out 

highkey dependent on his approval for things in relation to singing

“was, was that ok?” “perfect, ari.”  “ (O_O;)  - (◕‿◕)♡”

she will fight mark and donghyuck for his attention, and she will win

for a while, the two had shared a dorm room before they were rearranged, and taeil let her slip into his bed when she was feeling homesick 

the offer is still open, but aria takes him up on it less and less

taeil is NOT sad about that. absolutely not.

he’s vehemently against any and all diets she tries - saying that if she gets any smaller he’s going to be able to pick her up with one hand

que him dragging her out for ice-cream after a promotion, paying no mind to her protests

aria helps taeil with translating a lot of things into english during lives and interviews - so much to the point where he’s picked up a bit of an irish accent and the others never fail to clown him for it 

taeil still has the small braided bracelet that aria gave to the members on their first anniversary of nct (he keeps it in the drawer beside his bed)

aria is his self-professed happy virus. he told czennies in a vlive once that her smile makes him feel really happy and he wants to protect it to the best of his ability

aria always fixes his micpack before they go onstage if its crooked, because she comes out after him in the lineup

they have monthly movie nights and they alternate who chooses the movie / show (taeil normally goes for mystery or drama themed ones, while aria enjoys making them both sob miserably)

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

aria and taeil singing “I See the Light” from tangled for the NCT Music channel, and the tears that were shed by both moonis and realtai alike. sm really popped off with the staging and the lighting of the whole video - between the smiles that were on both of the singers faces and the whole ambiance created, its a cinematic masterpiece 

no one was surprised when it hit 2 million views in a day, and a lot of solo stans were born from that video

➣ Johnny ☾ johria

indisputable siblings 

there is not a single czennie who ships these two romantically, and that’s because they’re just too wholesome 

johnny is one of the few members that aria calls “oppa”, mainly because of the age gap and sm wanted her to appear respectful, but also because he thinks she looks so cute

very chill, excellent vibes

their vlives are either chaotic messes or the closest thing to therapy since ice cubes 

the blanket on aria’s bed? that was a gift from johnny - she had been complaining to mark about how cold she always was anemia tings

czennies are begging for sm to allow aria to open up a solo instagram account, becuse they see the amount of pictures johnny takes of her

in the park? he’s making her pose in front of the flowers. backstage before a show? the lighting, c’mon.

big big bear hugs - the height difference make nctzens want to die 

185cm vs 158cm? p l e a s e she’s so tiny in comparison  (/ =ω=)/

when she gives him backhugs it looks like a little kitten trying to wrestle with the family dog 

play fighting about vernacular:

“ITS CALLED A SIDEWALK” “S I D E W A L K, ITS A FOOTPATH YOU BUFFOON”

very vocal about her wellbeing, and has asked fans before to remind her to take better care of herself and get to sleep sooner

aria, starting a vlive at 3am: hi hi~

the comments: NO GO TO BED

johnny helped her a lot when it came to the style change in choreography, as aria was used to soft, flowing movements and not the powerful, sleek style that most nct dances have 

consistently forgets the fact that she is not the fourteen year old he first met, and is, in fact, an adult now. “you’re a child” “im 18″ “...no”

is the person to get angry on her behalf when interviewers belittle or ignore her 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

during a fansign, a fan asked aria who did she think was the most comforting when she was stressed (besides mark and donghyuck) and aria said johnny. “he’s so, constant? like nothing seems to knock him or throw him off, and that’s really comforting when i feel unsteady.”

johnny is now known as aria’s weighted blanket. 

that is all. 

➣ Taeyong ☾ ariyong

taeyong took one look at aria the first time she showed up for group practice and immediately adopted her (not literally, but he would if he could)

eomma meets highly protective older brother meets life coach type beat? 

so so soft for her its sickening 

says he doesn’t have favourites and will then spend an hour cooking for aria because she’s been in the studio for the whole day and he knows she hasn’t eaten yet

when aria was given a duet to do for the sm stages, she had to pick another member to do it with and her first choice was taeyong

she always has said that taeyong is one of the pillars keeping her upright and sane - without him she wasn’t sure if she would have been able to complete her training

because of all the schedules they share together, if aria isn’t rooming with mark then she’s definitely rooming with taeyong

whenever she does his makeup (more often than you’d think) she point blank refuses to cover his scar, even when he asks her to 

“please? i don’t like it.” *gasp* “how dare you.” 

sleepy aria! snuggling into taeyong’s shoulder when a schedule ran late! 

he gets uncomfy when the stylists put her in too revealing clothes, and has spoken to them on numerous occasions about dressing her in age-appropriate attire, no matter how “sexy” the concept might be 

he keeps little bags of sugar-dusted strawberry sweets in his bag incase she forgets to eat and feels faint after the last time (they used to be blueberry flavoured, but he heard donghyuck throwing out any and all “blueberry-contaminated” food one evening)

taeyong doesn’t tolerate hate towards aria, especially in person, so he always makes sure to sit down the line from her so that he can see when people skip intentionally her

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

taeyong had just been awarded the solo bedroom on the last night of the Mtopia series, and was staring off into the corner looking rather uncomfortable. aria, who was meant to be rooming with baekhyun looked over and saw his mouth curled downwards slightly. 

“baekhyun-oppa, is it ok if i room with taeyongie-oppa tonight? i ran out of my tablets, and he has some in his bag..” 

baekhyun looked down at her with a small smile and agreed, while on the video edited captions appeared with the words, “a cute maknae, asking to room with a younger member...”

➣ Yuta ☾ nakamiya

the president of realtai 

this man is absolutely, completely and irrevocably whipped for aria and she is not afraid to use that to her advantage

she beat him at arm wrestling because she pouted at him - she’s too powerful 

aria.exe stopped responding when yuta started to playfully flirt with her the first few times

*winks* “hu-wha-”

one of the most outwardly protective members of her, because he feels a sense of responsibility for the younger girl

he was one of the trainees she first befriended, aria’s korean not being good enough to hold a decent conversation, and yuta happy that there was another japanese trainee 

9 times out of 10, when the members are making their way through crowded areas like airports yuta is always behind or directly beside aria

during a fansign one of the fans asked why he did that, and he said that he needed to keep her in his line of sight or else he’d get anxious that she’s so small that she could get swallowed in the crowds 

yes aria hit him for the short comment 

yuta, 50% of the time: you’re not allowed date until you’re 35

yuta, the other 50% of the time: bro where’s your boyfriend

he complains that she isn’t as sweet as she was when she first joined, and that hyuck must have corrupted her (╬ Ò﹏Ó)

he let’s her braid his hair when its longer, them both sitting on a bed with yuta in front and aria kneeling behind him so she can reach 

he was the first person to take her home for the holidays, because ireland was too far to go back for a week over christmas 

“what do you mean you’ve never been to japan???” 

bitching about the other members in japanese? more likely than you’d think 

when aria turned legal in korea, yuta took her out drinking and made sure to post pictures of her with her flushed cheeks on his instagram story with the caption “aish, i told you to pace yourself....” “happy birthday riri”

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

you know that one clip of the sasaeng getting absolutely trashed by nct’s bodyguard and taeyong jumping 7 feet into the air? 

well taeyong wasn’t the only one startled; standing beside yuta, aria was closest to the wall of fans when the girl ran forward towards the members. aria jumped in fright, while yuta barely made a face (#unbothered). he simply wrapped an arm over her shoulders and pulled her around to the other side, tucking her underneath his arm.

tsundere!yuta

➣ Doyoung ☾ dori

*ahem* WHIPPED *ahem*

doyoung adores aria so much 

was he unsure about a girl being added to a group of boys? yes but it was moreso concern about how he was going to make sure she wasn’t accidentally trampled

they bonded over a night in the recording studio when he found her sitting on the floor with music sheets scattered around her 

a whole mentor when it comes to singing 

aria always turns to him after singing - especially when it wasn’t planned, like at a fansign - to see if she did a good job

doyoung has yet to tell her that she hasn’t but sue her, she appreciates the validation

the original mother and Will Not Let Taeyong Forget It

doyoung, dragging aria out of the studio: now listen here young lady-

kitten and bunny friends RISE

no seriously sm released merch of a kitten and bunny plushie and it sold out in a day

when aria had the accident that led to her two month hiatus, doyoung was the one who rode in the ambulance with her after refusing to let go of her hand 

“i’m sorry sir, only family are allowed in at the moment-” “we are her family” *nurse looks around the room at the 14 other boys sitting anxiously*

he is a weak, weak man he will crumple on any decision if she smiles and slash or whines at him even slightly 

carries band-aids and support strapping in his practice bag because he knows that she gets really bad blisters when she hasn’t practiced while wearing her heels in a while, and he makes her wrap her ankles for the first few sessions incase she falls 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENTS.

NCT 127 Take a Friendship Test (Glamour - 2020)

“ahh, my first impression?” *laughs* “actually, we first met in a recording studio, at like. 3 o’clock in the morning? he stuck his head in the doorway and i was so tired that i thought i had died and an angel had come to save me...”  (*μ_μ) 

➣ Jaehyun ☾ jaria

you know how cheetahs in the zoo get emotionally support puppies?

this is the same type of vibe

very snuggly together? but only in specific scenarios, like when jaehyun is too tired to move after a movie night, he’ll just kinda engulf aria in a hug and make her sleep on the couch with him 

any back hug she gives him turns into a piggy back, its non-negotiable 

likes to randomly compliment her to see how red he can make her face go

did she have a crush on him when she first moved to korea? yes, but who didn’t

that faded really quickly though once she started into the group officially - now they are more like siblings

they don’t interact that much on camera? rip to the jaria shippers

but that doesn’t mean they aren’t close with each other its just that a lot of their interactions happen off-screen

naturally, jaehyun began to think of her as a younger sister over the years they performed together 

jaehyun will end anybody who lays a hand on aria 

a little bap bap if you will 

he asked her to take him ice-skating one day, and the entire time was spent with aria laughing her ass off as he ate the ice nearly fourteen times before getting the hang of it 

he takes her out for food when he notices that she’s been put back on a strict diet plan (aria thinks she’s good at hiding those pieces of paper, but she forgets that when she puts it on top of things, that other people are a lot taller than her and have a higher vantage point)

the prince and princess of nct? check 

head pats

he likes to pat her head and she’ll swat it away immediately until she gets tired and just lets him do his thing 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

jaehyun was wearing a flower crown placed carefully on his head as he bent down slightly to run his hands through the damp grass. a soft shutter sound went off, before he heard a hum coming from behind him. “jaehyun-ssi, could you take off the flowers? we can’t see your face clearly because of the shadow.”

jaehyun glanced backwards at aria’s retreating figure, being chased by donghyuck with hands still stained green from the grass she had shifted through to find the fallen flowers. she stopped and waved at him before resuming her run.

“i’d rather not, if that’s alright. i think it fits quite well with the theme.”

➣ Jungwoo ☾ ariwoo

oh my god someone please stop these two

once jungwoo taught aria about the power that aegyo holds for persuasion tactics against the older members of 127, they were unstoppable 

you should be afraid of them

100% have plotted someone’s murder before (and have succeeded, czennies always wondered where that last manager went after The Incident)

aggressively cute together - to the point where your teeth will rot 

jungwoo will intentionally flirt with aria just to fluster her because its “so easy to do”

not very physically affectionate, but jungwoo has no hesitation calling out “uri fighting haeyadwae!” to her when she looks like she needs a little encouragement 

jungwoo is the reason she wants to do a bachelors degree after finishing high school 

he used to help her with her maths assignments after school when she was struggling with managing her time 

they’re called the “aegyo duo” of the group, and there has yet to be an outright winner of the competitions to find the cutest member (its aria. jungwoo said it himself, its aria but we been knew)

they have an odd dynamic of looking like best friends the first second, evil masterminds the next and then siblings who want to murder each other but they make it work 

will and has flopped down on her while she was laying on the practice floor and then whined when she tried to get up 

he spilled the tea that aria gets super emotional and affectionate when she’s drunk 

cutest shit ever that made ariwoo shippers lose their absolute minds was the clip that got released in the behind the scenes filming of Kick It, where jungwoo was half asleep in the corner and aria just pops up out of nowhere to shove a folded jacket under his head and made sure to prop it in a way that he wouldn’t get a sore neck when he woke up

jungwoo is the reason she knows korean curse words (dont tell doyoung)

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

aria wobbled in her heels slightly as she stepped out of the van, trying to hold a blanket up to protect her legs while she slid off the seat onto the ground. jungwoo extended an arm around her waist, gripping the blanket in his other hand and carefully holding her to make sure she didn’t trip on the cobbled stone.

➣ Mark ☾ mari

1/2 of the best friend crew

honestly at the beginning, mark and aria weren’t very close, having only really seen each other in passing or with johnny 

but after being dropped into training together the two quickly became fast friends, and now they’re borderline inseparable 

you thought you knew pain? watch aria’s reaction to mark’s graduation from dream :)

mark’s the reason why aria felt confident enough to pitch some of her lyric ideas to the team, after staying up until 4am to help her make some edits so she was as confident as possible 

kinda just, rests his head on her shoulder? and wraps his arms around her waist when he’s tired 

mari being confused in foreigner: ??? 

aria said once in a vlive that she finds mark really comforting to be around - when she feels stressed or worried about something she’ll go to mark’s room and just sit on his bed for a while

aria is so close with his parents - “ahh, how’s my favourite child” “i’m doing great mom.” “no not you, how’s aria?” “wh-hu-MOM?” 

you’d swear sometimes mark is younger than her, considering the pout he puts on and how much he whines when they’re not on the same team together for promotions

mark big protecc boi but also little small cuddly boi 

they’re so soft for each other ( ╥ω╥ )

in one of the fancams for mark’s solo stage during superm, someone zoomed into aria singing along with him in the wings and dancing to herself with the Proudest Smile(tm)

he’s! so! proud! of! her! constantly! she could be walking and he’d be like “omg get it” 

when aria refuses to get up and make herself food (this happens way too often, she just gets into the groove of her work and doesn’t want to move) mark gets her to by threatening to do it himself 

consistently caught by czennies just standing behind her and holding her hand in crowded areas - airports, waiting rooms, etc. 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

mark and aria were standing off to one side as the mc explained the rules of the game they were about to be playing. mark looked totally confused, and elbowed aria in her side before looking down and mouthing “what?” to her. aria opened her mouth, before closing it and looking down at the ground, muttering to herself, “결합... 結合..... le chéile.... le... le.. oh oh - combined! we have to put them together, markie.”

and thus, a new confusion meme was born

➣ Haechan ☾ arichan

the other half of the best friend crew

absolute heathens to be around when they are together 

donghyuck is the person aria is closest to, and someone she’d call her best friend (only when she was sure he wouldn’t hear her)

she calls him “the demon child i can’t get rid of” but will, and has definitely pouted when he ignored her for too long 

generally aria is a pretty soft spoken person, but not with hyuck around - he brings out all her chaos energy (please pray for the patience of dotae)

the pair have a little tradition of kissing the back of each others’ hands before going on stage for good luck. they can’t even remember how it started, but now its an unnegotiable pre-show ritual

he’s so clingy with her absolutely everywhere its painfully adorable  (ಥ﹏ಥ)

interviews? hyuck has a hand on her knee, or if she’s wearing a skirt he’s tucked his hand in between their chairs so she can hold it discreetly. in the dorms? full body tackle onto the couch, where he proceeds to lay on top of her completely. 

because of hyuck’s nickname being the sun, and aria always being around him, czennies gave her the nickname “moon” to go with him

fans thought that aria was older than hyuck for a good year and a half before she released her birthday on a vlive, because she’s normally the one tasked with reigning his chaotic energy in during promotions (that is, if she hasn’t already joined him)

but off-camera, aria is absolutely hyuck’s baby there is no disputing that. aria’s sad?he’s there with ice-cream and a blanket and a baseball bat.

the winnie the pooh character that is on aria’s bed was a gift from hyuck for her 17th birthday, after she made him watch seven episodes of the show on netflix with her one night 

yes he complained, but he slapped her hand away when she went to change it to something else 

a twitter thread of a czennie comparing their horoscopes together went viral when people realized that it was quite plausible that the pair were each others (platonic) soulmates 

after an incident involving blueberries, donghyuck took it upon himself to check the ingredients of every. single. food item in their dorm to make sure it was ok for her to eat 

hyuck clowns her for her irish accent, and aria curses him out in japanese

tldr: they cute or whatever 

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT. 

donghyuck was doing a vlive in his bedroom, sitting and talking to czennies when aria opened the door to his room quietly. she didn’t say anything, just waved slightly with almost closed eyes before she crawled underneath his covers and tucked her plushie underneath her chin. hyuck didn’t even blink at it - so it must have been a regular occurrence.

[terriblelizbians]

law school admission interview today but it was delayed and now im just sitting here waiting. it’s gonna start “soon” allegedly. it’s been 20 minutes. like i understand that the person had some unforeseen things but they do realize we’ve all got our own schedules right??? we have things to get to after this??? and now im just getting more anxious about ittttt

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[oyesmendes]

there’s no way - 2

a/n: sorry if this hurts aaaand i brought the gif back JAHAHH

summary: when the world of a small town rockstar and global sensation meet, will they fall in love? or will the universe only fight for those meant to be?

read part one here

It had been a couple of days since the confrontation, or confession as most people would like to put it, and Haley’s been avoiding Shawn at every opportunity. She dodged him in the hallways, before and after shows and skipped nights spent in his bus for more time spent alone in her quiet bus. Shawn was dying to grab a hold of her, but she was really easy to miss in her 5’4 size. He wanted to tell her how he felt, how sorry he was for being so impulsive and it was killing him every second he kept those words in. So he decided that tonight was it. They were performing at the Forum in LA tonight, and Shawn was determined to speak to her to clear the air between them.

“Hey Andrew, do you know if Haley’s schedule is packed before the show?”

“Um I think she has one interview before, but her schedule is cleared after. What’s up man?” Andrew replied. Shawn gave him a nod of his head and sped down the hallway to her dressing room. He knocked lightly, taking a deep breath before opening the door. Shawn expected her to run away, scream, shout or do whatever she has been doing the past couple of weeks to shake him off her tail, but instead he was met with her laying on the couch, eyes glued to her laptop and totally unaware of his presence. He didn’t want to admit to it but she looked beautiful; her hair down to her shoulders, and she was dressed in a simple t-shirt with shorts - her go to outfit for stage which made fans fall in love with her even more. Her simple style yet complex mind intrigued many, and that’s how she won the heart of the people, not to mention shawn’s heart too. Seeing that he hadn’t grabbed her attention, Shawn let out a small cough which sent her shooting straight up to her feet.

“Didn’t mean to scare you there, sorry” Shawn laughed, watching as she sat her laptop down on the table.

“Oh uh, yea hey Shawn” Haley stammered slightly, nervous at the thought of even speaking to the boy who she was hopelessly in love with.

“Can we talk?” shawn asked, tilting his head to the side to meet her eyes. Haley looked up to him, for a moment, “um, later? I don’t want to think about too much before the show” she sent him a small smile and Shawn nodded slowly.

“Okay, meet me in my dressing room and we can hang after the show?” Haley nodded hesitantly before Shawn left, and she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. This was going to be a long night.

-

“That crowd was so amazing!” Haley shouted over the music as Shawn got off stage. She stood backstage peeking with the rest of her band and the venue was buzzing tonight. Fans were signing along to every word so loudly that it was hard to even hear the music. As she was about to take her leave, her manager, Emma, came over to speak to her.

“You’ve got a guest waiting for you in your dressing room” Haley raised her brows as she followed Emma to the dressing room. She wondered who it could be. did she invite anyone to the show tonight and forgot about it? Or was it Shawn pulling some kind of stunt on her? Her curiosity was satisfied when she opened the door to reveal a tall, tan figure dressed in a classic navy blue suit. She knew instantly who it was.

“AUSTIN MICHAELS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” She screamed as he held her in his arms.

“Well, you gave me tickets to this show and I could use a pick me up by my best friend on a Friday night” he replied her, hands squeezing her shoulders as he spoke. He looked intently into his eyes before breaking contact.

“You could’ve told me you were here, we could’ve hung out and all!”

“I’m here now aren’t I?” He hugged her once again, the familiar warmth filling both of their bodies.

“Hales I thought you were going to- woah sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt” Shawn stumbled back a little from the scene.

“Hey no its okay Shawn, this is my best friend Austin. Austin Shawn, Shawn Austin” Haley introduced them to one another and they exchanged greetings, a slight tension filling the air when Shawn’s eyes landed on Austin’s hand placed right at the small of her back.

“I’ll um- leave you two to catch up. Text me later?” Shawn asked as he made his leave. Haley only nodded, being too pre occupied with her friend. The pair talked like old times, laughing over the stupidest things.

“Wait wait before we go on, where’s Amanda? Did you not take her with you?” Haley asked, and Austin looked down to the ground. He took in a deep breath, rubbing his palms together.

“I-i broke up with her weeks ago” was all he managed as his voice shook.

“I’m so sorry, Aus” she placed her hand on his, rubbing small circles on the back of his hand. Austin gave her a weak smile, shaking his head.

“It wasn’t meant to be anyway, should’ve known when you told me” Haley frowned when he said this. She knew it from the start that they weren’t going to make it. That the materialistic, whiny bitch was about to give her best friend hell but she didn’t get why he was mentioning it now. Two years since that day, probably one of the worst days of their lives.

“i’m telling you she’s no good for you Austin! why won’t you listen to me?” Haley shouted, watching as Austin paced the room.

“because i love her, and nothing anyone says is going to change it! what makes you so worked up about it anyway? i’m your best friend, you should be happy!” he gritted his teeth, staring straight at the girl he called his best friend.

“maybe because i’m in love with you and i see that she’s not right for you!” Haley regretted it almost immediately, shaking her head as she sunk down into the couch. He was shocked, shocked that his best friend of 12 years was in love with him. but it didn’t matter now, now he had Amanda and that was the only thing he planned to focus on.

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry i hurt you. but i love her, only her”

Silence filled the room as they sat, the only thing that was heard was the soft ticking from the wall clock.

“Ibrokeupwithherbecauseiloveyou”

“What did you say?” Haley asked when Austin mumbled out from under his breath, the string of words he had been holding back. Truth is, haley heard it all, every single word was as clear as day to her. But what she couldn’t believe was why and how. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that her childhood best friend, her very first crush that rejected her was now coming back to her after he broke up with his supposed ‘love of his life’. It all seemed like a very twisted fairy tale.

“I’m in love with you” it was nothing more than a whisper this time, but she heard it again, and it made her stand up from her seat. It made her anxious, that not only was her previous crush in love with her, she had Shawn Mendes down the hallway potentially wanting to be “more than friends”.

“I-i.. I- what?” that was all she could formulate in that moment. Austin was now on his feet too, inching towards her to grab her hand. Haley moved back quickly, her hips colliding with the dresser.

“No no don’t tell me or touch me. What the hell made you say that? 2 years after I told you, finally moving on and accepting your bitchass girlfriend. You come up and tell me you broke up with her because you love me?! Who do you think I am? I’m not your rebound, Aus, if you didn’t know im also human!” she was now full on yelling, and Shawn could hear her from the hallway as he spoke to the guitar techs. He made his way closer to the door, trying to get a hold of the conversation.

“I love you, Haley! I only ever loved you! What I had with Amanda was nothing, it didn’t mean anything at all, I only love you and I was stupid to let you go. I might have kept a friend, a best friend, but in that moment i lost the love of my life. I want her back.” He had tears streaming down his face now, desperation oozing out from his heart. Austin came here to get his girl back, but right now it seems like he was losing her all at once.

“I-i,ve got to leave” she swung open the door to reveal Shawn right in front of it, leaning against the wall behind him. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she gave Shawn a cold hard stare, storming off to one of the empty rooms in the arena. He followed silently behind as they entered a smaller room use to hold their instruments. Haley was sat in a corner, breathing hard as she tried to suppress her cries and Shawn stood in the other corner, having no idea what to do with this situation. He knew that she obviously had feelings for him, and he most probably had nothing to worry about but after what he heard between her and Austin, Shawn wasn’t too sure of it anymore.

After what seemed like hours, Haley finally spoke up, “I’m sorry, I can’t do whatever talk you want to have with me right now, Shawn. I’m sorry” he shook his head, hands folded in front of him as he watched her. Shawn wanted so bad to touch her, hug her and tell her that it was alright, yet in the heat of the moment, he could only think of himself. He ignored her words, only to blurt out the world’s worst timed question,

“What about me?”

Haley squinted her eyes at him, and she couldn’t believe what he had just said. Shawn repeated himself once more, causing Haley to scoff,

“You know this world doesn’t revolve around you right?”

“Well, neither does it revolve around you.” Shawn said flatly, and Haley let out a laugh, she couldn’t believe her ears.

“All you care about in this moment is yourself, and how you’re going to fuck me every single night? I thought better of you, Shawn.” Anger was boiling inside of Haley, and she hated this Shawn. He was being completely unreasonable and self-centred in the moment, that she couldnt even recognise him.

“I just want to know if I’m even worth something to you, if we’re worth the fight” his voice was almost inaudible but haley managed to catch his words in time. She shook her head, tears starting to choke her,

“If I meant more than one of your fuck girls, you wouldn’t need to question if we’re worth a fight.”

[kpopisthereasonihavenolife]

Who’s Crushing on the New Manager? [1]

Monsta X

Son Hyunwoo (Shownu)/Reader [F]

Words: 2.8k

Genre: Fluff

Others: Intro / Shownu / Wonho / Minhyuk / Kihyun / Hyungwon / Jooheon / IM

-------------------------------------------------

“I’m Y/N, I’ll be in your care.”

Her voice was just as soft and warm as her smile.  It didn’t take much, but those few seconds.  He already knew that that soft fluttering in his stomach was none other than a small crush, ready to blossom into so much more.

Shownu cleared his throat and kept his professionalism in check as he bowed back to her, eyes locking back with her as he straightened his spine.  

“Hyunw- uh, I mean Shownu.”  You chuckled at him, as he stopped himself from introducing himself with his given name.  You nodded to him, an amused smile on your face.

“Yes, I know who you are, I am your manager after all.”  Your chuckle almost made his cheeks heat along with the pounding in his chest.  Of course you knew, he didn’t really need to introduce himself.  The short conversation was interrupted by the official who spoke up before he turned to leave.

“Please take Ms. Y/L/N to the studio and introduce the rest of the boys to her.  And Please, don’t scare her off.”  You giggled at his smirk and Shownu just rolled his eyes playfully before the official took off to wherever he came from. Shownu looked at you, your face turned slightly away from him as you watched the man walk off.  

Your profile was just as magnificent as looking at your face head on.  He was already convinced you owned every angle and didn’t have a bad one.  When you looked back to him, he kept looking at you. You two just stared at each other for a moment before he smoothly angled his body to silently lead you.

“Shall we?  I have a feeling the boys are getting rowdy and anxious.”  You chuckled, which made him smile.  

“What makes you think so?”

“Call it a leader’s instinct.”  

“Is it as good as what we women call intuition?”  He sucked in a breath through his teeth playfully.

“I don’t know about that.”  And with that short interaction, he silently followed you to where the rest of the boys were.  And when you arrived, he was spot on. It was quite a sight.

Chankyun was in a corner, just screaming?  For no reason? Minhyuk was running around, chasing Jooheon for God knows why.  Hyungwon was sitting on the couch, seemingly normal, until you notice the lump that is under his rear was most definitely not the couch, but Wonho’s back.  The younger boy pushing the older into the cushions.  And Kihyun had emerged dramatically with his ipad in his hand, belting a note that was stable, but, coming from him, was rusty in sound.  

Shownu just stood where he was, and put his hand on his forehead, moving his finger to pinch the bridge of his nose and just breath.  Why? Why were they like this?  Was it because they had a new manager?  No, that couldn’t be it, could it?  They hadn’t done this before?

While he stood there, he heard you cover your mouth, the slap of your palm hitting your lips catching his ear.  He looked down at you through his fingers and noticed your red face and shaking shoulders. He was about to question you, making sure you were okay when you burst out laughing.  

You laughed loud as you clutched at your stomach, nearly untucking your shirt with how hard you gripped it.  Soon, the chaos that was the boys calmed down and they all swarmed around you, smiles and laughter of their own.  Minhyuk was the one that came to your free side and slung an arm over your shoulder, before Shownu smacked it off.  

It was bad manners.  Yeah, that’s why he did it.  

When all the laughter died to just chuckled and harsh breaths, introductions finally began. They introduced themselves one by one, with cheesy titles attached to their names, like ‘sexiest member’, ‘softest’, ‘cutest’, etc.  When they were done, you just told them that an introduction was necessary for their part, but it was appreciated anyways.  You gave your name and then happily told them that you would enjoy working with them.  

The energy that they radiated was contagious and it just made a person smile.  That first day wasn’t too much, and all you did was get to know the members.  And soon that day ended and you went back to your apartment while the boys when to the dorms.   

The next day, the boys were to go to a showcase for their fans, as well as hold an interview about their next album and, of course, other music related questions.  So, the day had started early for them, earlier for you.  You had woken up early, getting all the schedule times down before hopping in your car to get to the building and then follow the van the boys use to travel in.  

When you had stopped at the dorms, you watched the 7 sleepy boys amble out in their clothes, masks and caps on as they all piled in the van.  A few offered small waves to you, but it took a lot for them to properly function with so little rest.  You felt bad for them as you let out your own small yawn.  

Then, you were off again and before you knew it, you were getting out before them and waiting at the entrance of the building they were using. A bit more awake, some of them had questioned and complimented your attire.  You were in casual clothing today, and would start to dress this way unless something came up that required you to dress up again.  

Dark jeans that hugged your legs, a t-shirt tucked only in the back slightly, a black jacket and your shoes. Your hair was down and a cap was on your head to hide your, probably now tamed, bed hair that a brush couldn’t get rid of.

“The casual look today?” Shownu had approached you as the boys walked in front of you, maneuvering through the halls.  You nodded to him, looking at the piece of paper in your hands as you walked, reading through what they were doing and when today.  

“Yeah.  I only dressed in a business casual attire yesterday because I had to finish up paperwork in the main building offices.  But, since I’m working and on my feet most of the time, and since it’s not like i have a dress code to follow, I’ll be dressing more or less like this.  Unless, of course, I’m asked to dress up.”  He nodded at you, it made sense.  Part of him felt bad for the life of a manager.  He had a hard enough time working with the hard schedule.

Recordings, little rest, sometimes finding hard times to stop and eat well, filming, editing, photo shots, travel; it was all a lot sometimes.  But, he felt like managers had it a tad worse.  With them having to work before the schedules, always be ready at all times, make adjustments in their own time, even when they should be having a break.  They were a big step in the hypothetical drawing board that is the life of an idol.  

And even if they didn’t show it as much as they wished they did, every one of the boys respected their manager, and every other staff member who would work with them.  They were all hard working and talented people with skills that flourish to new extents.  

And, with that first, tiring, fun, fan-filled day rapidly moving by, everything fell into place.  Day after day passed with you as their manager and everyone of them getting a specific relationship with you across.  Some like brothers, some playful friends, but there was one member whose line was blurred, and not distinguished like the others.  

None other than Son Hyunwoo.  

The leader of the group would always be polite, and would always seem so calm around you, but if you turned away or left the room, he would basically crumple into his chair or into the couch or steal longing stares your way until you looked back to him, in which he promptly turned his head.  

Point was, he did a bad job of hiding the fact he had a crush on you. Your personality was infectious, happy and full of smiles.  Even when the schedule was packed and times were tough, you always tried your best to make sure they were feed, safe and happy.  Putting a smile on everyone’s face no matter what the obstacle.  

That in itself was attractive to Shownu, not to mention your maturity in which you handle situations.  You would be this fun, playful, prankster at times, but when it really counted, you would turn into this professional manager with every fact, piece of information, time and number ready on the tip of your tongue to any question.  

You astonished him.  Yet, you never seemed to know his gazes.  You were oblivious to it even.  He didn’t know if you were just too busy to notice, which would be logical, or if you were just oblivious in nature to notice these things, or if you were just uninterested.  He didn’t know.  

However, you may not have noticed him, but everyone else did.  Namely his team.  And they did not let him leave it down.

They would tease him in the dorms, and behind closed doors openly, and if you were around, they’d just shot him looks or one member would put on a dramatic two way romance with another member.  But, even if they gave him crap, they thought the idea of you two as a couple was cute as hell and supported it with their whole heart.  

Then one day, he somehow worked up the courage to tell you.  Tell you everything.  And how it happened surprised even himself, as it was a spur of the moment.  

The boys had a rare day to themselves, and many stayed at the dorms, and so you decided to pay them a visit as a friend, not a manager that day.  It was a fun filled day until you had to leave and it had already gotten quite late, so Shownu had offered to take one of their cars and drive you back to your apartment.  

You agreed as the two left the house and he did as he intended.  He drove you, dropped you off, said your goodbyes and he left.  But, it wasn’t until about the halfway point back to the dorms, where he suddenly stopped, turned around and was driving back to your apartment building.

He don’t know why he did this, or what made him do it.  Maybe he was finally fed up with hiding it, or maybe he just was thinking irrationally, he had no idea.  He had no clue what he was doings, what he would say, or why he would say it.  He just thought of you and that fueled everything on.  Everything he was unsure about, but he was concrete on what he would do tonight, reject or accepted.

He’d tell you everything.  

So, when he parked in the parking garage and ran out of the car, and up to your floor, he was out of breath as he rang the bell by the small box speaker by your door.  When you came over the speaker to see who it was, all he did was ask to be let in, in which, surprised you ran to the door in a frenzy and opened it up.  

He nearly melted at the sight of you.  Apparently, he had been gone long enough for you to wash the makeup off your face and change into a pair of pj pants littered in small bears and a white tank top.  He chuckled at your pants, seeing the bears as you offered him inside.  He stepped in, but didn’t leave the door within 5 feet.  You looked at him quizzically.  

“Hyunwoo?  What’s wrong?”  That was another thing he loved about you.  You always called him by his real name when it was just the two of you.  It was something so small, but he didn’t want his name to be said by anyone else like that.  

“I have a problem, and I think you’re the only one who can help me figure it out.  I don’t care what the outcome is, I just need closure.  To get it out.”  He was still slightly out of breath.  You didn’t know what he was talking about, and you bit back the red threatening to erupt your face and secretly gripped at your pants to keep your breathing and heart rate in check.  

You tried to offer him inside, for water or something to calm him down.  But, once again all he did was stand there.  In the doorway, staring at you.  Through you almost.  

“Hyunwoo, just come inside.  We can talk about it when you’ve had time to catch-”

“I like you, okay?” You nearly fell over.  The red you had suppressed now overpowered you and started to spread over your cheeks and nose.  Your gripped your pants tighter, less secretly now.  “I know your busy, busier than me-”

“You know I’m not busier than you.”  You interrupted, but he kept talking like you hadn’t.

“-But I had to tell you before anyone else did.  I’ve always thought you were cute, but it kept growing in my head and my chest and now all I do is stare and admire and just want to be here.”  There was silence as you focused your eyes on his shirt, his plain white shirt as you felt his eyes bore into your face.  

“I said I wouldn’t mind the outcome, reject me or not, I-”  You whipped your head up, eyes blown and red littered on you face.

“Why would I reject you?!”  Your quickly slapped your hands over your mouth, turning redder still, as you wanted to crawl into a hole and just hide.  “I-I mean, who would do that?  Reject the opportunity to possibly be in a relationship with such a good man?  That’s just crazy talk, or maybe I’m talking crazy, or just… I’m crazy.”  You huffed as you bent down to the floor, hugging you knees and hiding your embarrassed face into them.  

The boys had been picking fun at you for month and your loud crush for their leader.  It was a typical ‘we know, they don’t scenario they found themselves in.  You thought you had been the only one who was teased in private, but hearing it from Shownu, he probably got the same treatment.  It almost made you laugh.  

You jumped as you felt your wrist being grabbed along with your opposite arm and then your body being pulled back to your feet.  Once you were nearly straightened up, you then were pushed into a chest as arms wrapped around your shoulders.  Your breath hitched as you felt a chuckle rumble from Shownu’s chest and into your ear.  

“Your warm.”  You pouted and wanted to hit at his sides, but your arms felt like jelly.  It was like you had no control of your body.  

“Shut up. It’s rude to tease you manager.”  He chuckled again, rubbing your back in a way that made your eyes droop.  He was one of the few members who knew of your constant back pain, so the little action did a lot of you and your racing heart no doubt.  

“But, your more than my manager, so I think it’s okay.”  You felt your pulse in your hands and arms, heart quickening more and more.  

“More?”  Your voice rose an octave, cracking slightly as you asked him to elaborate.  That same chuckle hit your ears for the third time.  A fourth and you’d probably drop to your knees again, slipping from his arms.  

“You’re my manager, sure, but you’re also someone special.  A friend, an important person, and if you give me the pleasure of saying ‘yes’, then you can have the chance of being my girlfriend.”  You wanted to whine at him, he was being too sweet, too smooth for himself.  He was confidence, because part of him knew.  He knew you couldn’t say no.

“If you stay the night, I’ll be more inclined to say yes.”  You all but whispered into his chest.  You wanted to try and take some control of the situation, but ultimate, Shownu saw through your attempted and pulled his phone from his back pocket. 

He quickly sent a text to the group chat he had with the guys, saying he’d be staying with you for the night and that she’d drive him to the dorm tomorrow when their schedule picks back up.  Of course a few cracks came afterwards, but it was done.  

Now, you were his, and he wasn’t ready to let you go for at least the next 100 years or longer.  Depending on how long his life is.  Point being, you were his for the rest of his life, and you had no qualms about it.  

You were his manager, but now, you were just his, as he was yours.  For a long, long time.  

[woozi]

henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

[pullupachairluton]

Day 3

Today my schedule is to 

- meet Angela at Revoluton

- have lunch with ‘local artist’ Keith Piper

- Go to a speech bubbles information event

- Go to a ‘networking event’ called I like Mondays at the White House Pub

Today 

- I’m going to try to write less...

- I’m going to include more photos

- I may include my internet search history

This is what I wore today for the schedule. 

Another windy day. A long and beautiful wise looking stick on the pavement outside the house where I stay. An omen?

To start the day I have a meeting with Angela at Revoluton. It was a great day to meet the Revoluton team as everyone was there for a lunch and meeting with ‘local artist’ Keith Piper. (Actually it turns out that it was a meeting with the legendary artist Keith Piper!!!)

Before lunch me and Angela talk through the schedule for the week and we go on a tour of the building. It has a really interesting history and is run by Marsh Farm Outreach. Angela told me a bit about their history and how they used to run raves, and have carried the community ethos forward until today when they now run a really strong community outreach programme. And they have a bar onsite! Im really looking forward to meeting them.

I had a brilliant welcome by the Revoluton team and felt really touched. It was really wonderful to experience such a positive greeting and welcoming. Really special - thank you all! 

Then we had a lunch and meeting with Keith! Full of positive energy and it all felt very generous and exciting - below are the before and after shots of the lunch table. 

Then onto Speech Bubbles at the Hat Factory.

What an interesting programme. I love it. Its a drama intervention programme for children (Key Stage 1) who struggle with communication. They work with a Teaching Assistant and drama practitioner in group session of 10 children. Each child tells a story that is transcribed by an adult, then the rest of the children act the story out.

I think the process of transcribing is magic. The act of really concentrating on what someone is saying. To really value their words and then for their words to come to life in another way and be peformed. This is wonderful. I don’t even like doing drama but I think everyone should do this. 

I love how Adam who started the project talks about it. He is political. He talks about the wider social and political climate at the moment - and how narrowing the curriculum is anti-joy. I really love it! Its really clear what the project is, and what effect the project has (the effect of the project is supported by numerous studies). I really hope this happens in Luton.

 https://www.londonbubble.org.uk/parent_project/speech-bubbles/

Then lastly I went to Wetherspoons in town for the networking event called ‘I Like Mondays’. 

All I know is that I should wear red and meet people at the right of the bar.

I’m 10 minutes early

There are lots of young people here.

Maybe students

there are quite a lot of middle aged men in groups or on their own. I don’t really want to be here. I hope it’s not some weird dating thing that I’m going to. I have my red top in my bag. Im not going to wear it. I’m told to meet at the right side of the bar. No ones here. I don’t want to meet middle aged men at wetherspoons on my own.  I’m glad I’m wearing my worn jacket. I’m not feeling the joy.

Wetherspoons is a good place in many ways. Its £3.50 for a pint, not £5 and it means that more people can afford to drink here. But I remember watching an interview with Owen Jones and the owner of Wetherspoons - Tim Martin who when asked about why he doesn’t pay his staff a living wage he evades the question multiple times and says that Owen Jones is asking childish questions. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=285&v=mJ2BMEMiO9s&feature=emb_title 

I have a mixture of feelings towards Wetherspoons. 

I remember coming to Wetherspoons when I was 16-17-18. Underage alco pops. Winking at boys. A night out leading up to a drama at the end. Everyone drunk on the train home. Smoking out of the train windows. My friend once got punched outside a Wetherspoons - we were speaking about peace and then felt so impassioned we tried to break up a fight. My friend got punched. 

Back to now. Maybe others are sitting here with their red top beneath their jacket. Ready to bust it out when it turns 7 o’clock. I’ve drunk a third of a pint. More students (i think?) come in - who did you kiss? that’s the first question someone asks someone else who just arrives - ‘some guy called owen’ they reply.... do you have a picture of him ? Instagram or anything? I stop listening. It doesn’t feel right to overhear and transcribe what they are saying. I remember the buzz of the snogs with random men, fading images as we cling on to a sentence they said. It’s 7 o’clock. No one’s here. I see someone in a maroon top walk to the bar. I think he’s just getting a drink. Half pint left.  7.02pm. No ones here. Yes! Maybe it’s not happening!? Someone wears a red top on the tv screen. A man in a fluffy black jacket stands up and looks anxious.  Maybe he’s got a red top in his bag. He’s looking at his phone. Looking around. ‘Networking event’. How long do I wait? Some guy next to me has ordered table service using the app. Maybe this makes it better for people working here? No throng at the bar on Friday night? The argument says that it means people talk less but this guy said thank you to the bar staff, so that’s not much less that what people would normally say. Table 10? A round comes to my next door neighbours. 3/4 pint gone. Do I wait till 7.15? What’s the professional thing to do? It’s a really delicious pint. The guy in the fluffy jackets date / friend arrives. He looks happy. I’m between two tables of a group of students and a middle aged man. I remember how much I love going out for a drink with my friends. Conversation and alcohol and group chat. Lovely. The middle aged man starts singing on the other side of the table. I smile at the man in the fluffy jacket and the girl leaving. They look happy. I look at the man on the table next door to me - he has his headphones on. Is he happy? I like his singing. 

The middle aged man is very friendly. He knows the staff here and chats to them.

Ok pint finished I walk around to check if anyone is here.

It’s not a thing tonight. I’m going home. (Its 7.27pm)

Things I have been thinking of when I have been not been thinking of Luton. When I’m not present?

[tiringwritings]

4 years 🌸

I’m just crying so bad you know, maybe it’s because I’m happy or sad or just anxious. Maybe it’s because now youtube it’s full of those pretty videos that makes you remember things, feel things and it just hurts a little (?). Like I was rewatching war of hormone, the first mv i watched, and it just seems like yesterday. Their first victory with I need you was so meaningful, and lowkey I knew, that was just the start for them, and it really was. The cutest thing it’s that every time they win it’s like the first time, and as Namjoon said “ I’ll never take your love for granted ”. It just means they’re really proud of us every time, because they don’t really expect to win, ( even tho it’s stupid but soo cute like during bbma, they knew they were going to win but thwy were still hoping, just awww) The other things that made me reflect about how cute and precious this group is, was during an interview at Billboard where Namjoon said “ we are a small group in Korea ”, it made me smile so bad like who are you kidding boi ? They all do so much for us, and what is so important they keep loving us, even if someone of us lives so far away. Like guys, Jimin said on vlive+ that he’s so sorry for not being active lately and that he wanted to know languages so he could speak to us, and it’s so adorable I melted. Jungkook is studying english even tho his schedule must be so full. This month was so full of things, wings tour, bst japanese ver, and bbma, bts festa, they even recorded bts bon voyage pt2. I’m really proud and happy they’re doing so much for us, I really appreciate it, they choose to be idol for a reason, and now that they succeeded, they’re living their dream ( even tho i hope they just rest a little because yeah they’re human after all ). I’m anxious tho ( even if I normally am so yeah) but, I’m really am since they said 화양연화 was coming to an end. I was like “ what?” “ omg you can’t BE SERIOUS ” I was so scared, because it sounded like they were going to disband, but they kept making more and more good music, and theories tho. Just it’s like every time I end up thinking “ This comeback it’s so beautiful, how will they make something better ? ” but somehow they do, and I can’t be happier. Nowadays, I just trust them, whatever they decide to do, like Namjoon said they won’t make an English album because, obviously, they’re korean singer so if they sang in english it wouldn’t make any sense, and even tho im just a bit sad, i’m okay with it. So let’s just support them, if they’ decide to dye their hair, or eat a lot, or whatever, just support bts, because they really loves us and we have to give them back this great amount of love. I just want to end quoting something again : “Everyone suffers in their life. There are many sad days. But rather than sad days, we hope to have better days. That’s what makes us live. That’s what makes us dream.”Kim Namjoon

[sh-lan]

OMFG LAST QUARTER EVER + some spring break stuff???

Took a weekend off of life Retail therapy at its finest today Even though new jeans were overdue

It’s crazy how it still came I guess it’s a force of nature But omg it’s gonna be here on the concert T^T

This nerd would have mitsuha’s theme on his playlist smh #nochu

April 2nd, 2017 BTS Wings Tour I still can’t believe it happened I’ve been awake since 8am lol and it’s like 1:54am and i’m still trying to process and remember everything that happened today It felt like a dream! I can’t believe I saw them in real life. ohmygod Hands down, easily one of the best day of this week - if not this entire year so far holy shit will continue this tomorrow as i reminisce ok but one thing i noticed is that jungkook’s thighs are actually so real like wtf? shookt EDIT: lol i never finished this but oh well

oop i just bought more rings goodbye money

my charger broke gg time to get another one

I have a newfound appreciation for the color pink or more like my appreciation for pink is coming back

When you get anxious because bts hasnt posted on twitter for 3 days but then you also know they’re resting and that they deserve this break

SPRING QUARTER LEGGO tu/th schedule let’s hope this all works well keke

week 1 recap tuesday - sees everybody in freaking AB LOL sees harry after walking out of my tdpw sees alana and dylan outside my global health class which alana is also taking, and becca and tanya lOL goes to cogs 122 to find chen screaming my name - also vania and stella <3 last class is normal - with nobody in management BUT LOL LEIGHTON ADDED THE CLASS ON THURSDAY HAHA there’s also this girl in my tdpw class who looks like lindsay lohan and her name is also lindsey but with an e cause i saw it on the email lol not a stalker

Decided to gel nails it out friday of week 1 whut whut

First attempt at 양념치킨~

been using the soundtrack of your name this past week to get over pcd it’s been a week and i still haven’t recovered T^T

went to kbbq with harry! lol week 1 sunday started at manna….having an adventure in between at manna keke “started here and ending it here?” LOL

currently craving anything strawberry

don’t understand why i need to have my email as a send&receive in order to sms to work on my laptop bb why are you being stubborn when you’ve been working fine all this time

under yuri’s recommendation, i microwaved my coffee because it was lukewarm and she called me extra LOL

i’m getting nervous about a presentation when i shouldn’t be because ?? my AB service leader self is like completely gone i wanna crawl into a hole

i just finished season 2 and 3 of htgawm in less than a week… how they gonna do season 4 i wonder

Week 2 thursday I was actually really looking forward to class today Also my rings came! Though were they worth the $50….not so sure Were they cute? Yes But not as cute as the other one T^T So i mustnt give in to temptations nowww

I found out what matcha powder mom uses to make their matcha latte Cappuccine frappe mix But it’s sadly not on amazon ):

This new tumblr function is really inconvenient cause i cant tell how many thing i have on queue brcause i have to keep switching blogs -_-

Han came to visit! Friday Papa johns Saturday Snooze brunch Infinitea Abeh hangout In n out Sunday Aquarium! Koon thai Ramen yamadaya Boba bar and then i drove him to irvine where we got coco curry! and then i drove back and he bought me milk tea with pudding

Had an epiphany It’s not anenome It’s anemone

Omg but like why dont people call spoiler alerts “spoilerts”

Started 13 reasons why with Han Finished it, tuesday week 3 Hmmm How to feel

finished strong woman park hyung sik is so…adorable? IT’S SO WEIRD. HIS AEGYO LEVEL IS INSANE

When you realize that 둘! 셋! is probably the title of the fan song because that’s what BTS always say when they introduce themselves And that BTS + ARMY forever ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I’m not crying r u crying ;___;

어떻게

Omg when you wake up for reorientation and jungkook does lives <3

highkey need to crawl into a hole tbh

You know what i want to do? Go to an olive garden Even though i know it’ll taste bad lol

Not really sure what i want… But i dont want my 4 years to be a waste ):

i….skipped out on an interview today was it the right choice i may never know

most recent ep of snk got me fucked up SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT YMIR AND CHRISTA’S RELATIONSHIP IS WHO IS CHRISTA

Lol i hella bombed my quiz GOODBYE GONNA P/NP HAHA

Week 4 weekend Fuck me in the ass i twisted my ankle and i am in irvine had to pop an advil and cruise control all the way back thank god there weren’t many cars lol 0/10 do not recommend

Slept on the couch the past two days to elevate my ankle Glad to be back in bed But i think i might be a little…sick? Fuck Need to grocery shop

Dammit i got called for jury duty

Ok but i twisted my ankle and two recruiters emailed me back the next day so was it really a loss

Week 5 i’m sick…

just watched 5 centimeters per second a little sadder than i was an hour ago

fuck i forgot that my jeans are new and i washed it and my pink shirt is ruined fml triggered

thursday after rolling over ma ankle i can finally see that it is a lil swollen and there is bruising LOL also saw an owl at school today and a bunny while leaving to go to meeting

week 5 tuesday saw two bunnies on my way out to school

I just saw two hummingbirds! 😍

I cant believe yuri and i finished twenty SMH

ABCD today Some qualitee photos were taken Im tired now

Really debating the 4th term

third day of back pain flexibility dying wow what is happening???

…..army 4th term is $75 cries EDIT: it’s $66 because i forgot exchange rate but still cri EDIT EDIT: it’s $45 if i ship it to taiwan - seriously really highkey considering that now oh dear

bro i think i just experienced katawaredoki whut

i keep thinking that my ankle is ok but i always end up doing something that ends up hurting it like hella im

Week 6 thursday last leadership meeting one of my favorite meetings because whoa INFORMATION!? it was nice wanted to discuss and add in my two cents but i honestly just wasn’t able to wrap my head around everything loool then…we decided to go to PB LOL chen, jeong, yuri, justin and his friends (including nicole, nicole, sandy) and then more people. we also met leslie, brett, dexter, allison, kenny, peter, abby, ben…and more? at pb lolol and also we saw miguel and anthony - it was like a freshman year flashback tbh lOL went to vallartas after and then came home to shower and finally sleep at 3:30am wot is life NEXT DAY ADVENTURES - leighton and i finally pulled out the weeds and now we’re tired

salty that i wasnt invited to the birthday celebration, not that i would really make the trip per say but wtf gurl

I just had this really sad thought that i’m probably never gonna ever get to know bts like friends y i do dis to meself

Wait so like i got sick while at clew’s and it didnt happen until week 5 and so i was sick from week 5 through week 6 and at this one point i couldnt taste my food it was terribad

May 12th I bought the membership LOL Hopefully it mails it correctly back to Taiwan ☺️

im dumb i didn’t save the color i wanted for my hair

omg the song vania recommended to me a few days ago was recommended by jungkook like a year or so ago on twitter lOOOOL

Just tryna level up here :<

Struggles when places are in the east coast and phone calls are early in the fckin morning

Note to self: Ridge cut potato chips with sea salt is good for stuff with dip Ridge cut salt and pepper is good for regular eating, but gets salty at the bottom LOL EDIT: per vania’s suggestion, i salted and peppered my chips

watching jungkook’s vlive AND HE JUST HARMONIZED WITH HIMSELF IM DED

Just woke up from a dream where someone hurt my brother/nade him fall and i was so angry? Was about to go ape shit on that person im ded lol who is rhis angry me

Rewatched and finished reply 1997 Wow what is life when yoon jae is life But also what is life when your idols are life Daily reminder to not be as obsessed as shiwon LOLOL

i can’t go to giraffage and elephante anymore im on the otherhand i get to go to virginia???

lol but like i haven’t been writing drafts because i often write in my notebook now but here are some updates - my nails are constantly chipping - forgot about grad photos that clashed with the weekend han is coming - im ded because i probs won’t have a weekend to myself until week 10 - struggles to figure out graduation things - paid my $54 to walk #mostexpensivewalkever

LAST LEADERSHIP MEETING (turnover) what am i going to do with my thursday nights now? it’s been a good run

Jealous of the staff that holds and records the camera during vlives? LOL who am i

When you forget that jeon jungkook did taekwondo before Hnnnngh

i just reaffirmed? or discovered? that i don’t like fruity pebbles o_o

Trying to think of a thing to put on my grad cap Tis hard Let’s make a list: 花樣年華 Strong power thank you You never walk alone Ireumeun deborah LOL Lol omg but why is yoongi’s “cheater never win but i just graduated” quote so appropriate for grad EXTRA + ORDINARY* Lost my way/found my way* Click clack to the bang Smile with me, cry with me, fly with me (you make me begin, you made me again) Ctrl+c, ctrl+v do you know “____” (hci? annyeonghasaeyo) To lose your path, Is the way to find that path* 꽃길만 걷자* Let’s fly with our beautiful wings in 2017 EDIT: i’m too lazy, i didn’t do anything to my cap lOL

Im shookt cause namjoon doesnt say 이제 feelin the vibe. HE SAYS IF YOU FEELIN THE VIBE. I feel…betrayed

Non whitewashed bangtan gives me life

May 21st My first haircut since… Since i got it cut over the summer?????

Bought me stole and tassel today Smh that i cant grab my muir tickets?? Cause i ordered all commencwment tickets SMH

Lowkey afraid of not passing mgt LOL

Omfg i knew we were going to have a pop quiz. It really happened

nicole and evelyn commented that they liked my hair and audrey and malia agreed i gotta say i’m so glad people remember me in my tdpw class LOOL

Cant get the seventeen song outta my head Shookt by the choreography

Y'all im so fckin shookt First the chainsmokers post on twitter like “see you in the summer” Then they win the BBMAs like a boss Then you see them on halsey + steve aoki’s snapchat Next things you know steve aoki is postin shit like “BTS x AOKI COMING SOON” Im SCREAMING

Yo my lyft driver dropped some knowledge again and told me his life story lmao he was a police officer in chicago and he was forced to retired and then ?? after chasing down a rapist and getting into a fight, he was seriously injured. but his dad (a judge or someone powerful idk) forced him out of retirement by telling everyone to not give him his benefits and shit and i was like. whoa bro. slow down? “embrace the unknown”

I finally tried the coconut black tie at peet’s 10/10 a mistake

Okay but can we talk about how on point everybody looked in the comeback Esp wonwoo and dk But also vernon 👌🏼

First time in virginia/ being so close to washington dc! Whoa Also gonna pass by texas too :O Knocking some states off my list

I WITNESSED MY FIRST CIRCLE RAINBOW THINGY ON THE PLANE FROM VIRGINIA TO DALLAS TODAY HOLY IT WAS V COOL

i don’t know why i never realized this about myself before but i need to be/live by a body of water at all times or i won’t feel comfortable this is weird

i told han i joined the fanclub and he like died for like 2 seconds lOL

ok but like i bought a carton of eggs and 6 or 7 of them were double yolks and i have 2 more eggs left im starting to think i’m eating some weird hybrid chickens EDIT: those last two eggs were both double yolks. this was a wild adventure

omg i knew that the TA MOST LIKELY RYAN WOULDNT UNDERSTAND OUR IDEA JUST LIKE HOW HE ALWAYS MISINTERPRETS THEM??? like what kind of constructive feedback is that if he doesn’t understand what we’re trying to do im… sigh

Already excited about the festa But like omfg they released the schedule today And just WE DONT TALK ANYMORE PT 2?? SO FAR AWAY FEATURING JIN AND JUNGKOOK? Im IM SCREAMING also sad but the radio show is right before my finals gotta prioritize, no bts fo me ;__;

after waiting two weeks, my application to get leveled up was rejected *cries* time to try again! *^*

okay but really feeling seventeen’s song as well as suran’s song like hIGHKEY

i finally got my commencement tickets the third time that i went to the bookstore third time’s the charm right? also whytf is the parking pass for all campus commencement so huge -_-

hnngh omg that feel when you have hella shit to do TPDW1 final play due week 9 friday because we won’t have class at all on week 10 then there’s the presentation (elevator pitch) that happened today week 9 thursday but also just hauling ass on things for A5 tbh what is this what is everything wot is the meaning of life when vania and i stay up till 3:30am lol… and then there’s me. tired af but didn’t sleep til 4:30 anyways cause i’m a dumbass l e l let’s not be a potato this last week k?

burger king in pc has its own free wifi called WhopperWifi and it’s so much faster than school wifi this is revolutionary

week 9 weekend to irvine irritated on the way over irritated on the way back lol wot is life i should’ve just turned around to go back home

NO TDPW1 WEEK 10 WOOT wow that means i won’t have class until 2pm whoa

“why are you reading math formulas” - yuri i was actually reading bts profiles lOLOL she just dissed their handwritings

Just spent the past hour or so looking at kakao friends merchandise And discovering that apeach is a genetically modified peach lol

that moment when you ask for a png file but get a jpg

dyed my hurr twice today for a darker shade still not what i was going for but this will do for now

Omfg i slept through my alarm until 1pm Goodbye study time?? Also omg i like it pt 2 video SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY KNOW WE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS. HAD IT SINCE BAEPSAE DAYS. BUT DIDNT RELEASE IT. Freakin bighit

My request to level up on the fancafe has once again been rejected ); EDIT: oMFG IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE THE SETTING TO SOMETHING im screaming, what a first world problem THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM AMIRITE

Doesnt feel like it… But thursday was my last time going to class…pretty much like ever unless i go to more school Holy shit

Oh man I didnt think i’d have THAT much shit. But…i think i have A LOT of shit….

saw bts MBIT and i was like omfg! knew that i was INFJ but took the test again yesterday and ended up INFP….but just barely P so i think i’ll stick with INFJ lol EDIT: i took the test again today because vania and yuri were talking about it again and i am still INFP…and more P this time. SO LOST. WHO AM I

put my things up for sale i forgot that i might need my light el oh el crying on the inside cause i want to keep my desk but then i’m selling it off because i don’t think i’ll have space for it and i just CRYING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT’S BEEN WITH ME FOR SO LONG T^T

ON ANOTHER NOTE. THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM LEVELED UP ON JUNE 12TH AT ONE SOMETHING AM

JUNE 12TH FINISHED MY FIRST AND LAST FINAL I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER??? also lmao i spent 45 min on the final wot

i dyed my hair darker but now it’s become lighter? wait wtf wait no go back EDIT: wait no it went back to being dark? is this a thing? when i get exposed to the sun it gets lighter and when i sleep it gets darker??? smh at light for fckin with me

so i set an alarm to watch the bts home party last night for like 3:57am and i didn’t hear it but i guess i kinda did cause i woke up at 4:05am and was like ??? i decided to watch a bit of it but ended up streaming the whole thing until 5:45am looooool also watched the numbers grow from the 500,000 all the way to 2,000,000 and then 3,000,000? it was nuts

omfg all these years of rereading chapters and only now do i realize that i could save bookmarks on mangahere *slaps forehead*

Moment of silence cause i sold my desk that’s accompanied me for almost 10 years It even has battlescars (aka X marks by Jacky, 3 of them) LOL memories ;___; Oh and i guess my chair too

lol was gonna sell that yamaha guitar for $45 but it’s going for like $190 on ebay?? so ima just bring it home

finals week hangout list: tuesday: fud with kimberly, peyton, harry wednesday: more fud with stephanie and ellius thursday: KBBQ FOR LUNCH with jeong, justin, yuri, harry LOOOOL

and so...that’s the end of the quarter. my last quarter of school ever (unless i decide to go to more school...which seems unlikely as of right now) it feels weird.................................. but! onto graduation~ looking forward to being reunited with family and whatever’s gonna hit me in the face LOL

and with that goodbye undergrad, hello world ㅇㅅㅇ

[piamii]

Digestion

Annoyed at stupid therapist who took 10 million fucking years to respond to me

Apprehensive about one client because I’m worried the intervention wont get off the ground bc of the school and talking to caregiver is exhausting, I don’t want to keep advocating and disagreeing with people

Inadequare next to this teacher who is amazing, I am afraid my feedback will not be helpful

Hopeless because I’ve worked overtime consistently the last few weeks and a lot of it is catching up from sick days and vacation and when am I ever going to not take forever to intervention plan

Just in this pool of misery because things are getting better and easier but I don’t feel good about it. I can’t hold onto the good moments. I’m anxious when I’m supposed to be relaxing. I have so many unwanted thoughts about work in the evenings

Annoyed because I don’t want to include both caregivers due to it making my schedule suck ass, I want to not work as hard, I see a corner I can cut

Disappointed and wary because I feel withdrawn from the people around me

Angry because I worked hard to make sure to cover so kiddo got testing today but then his mom was rude af to me

Embarrassed because I didn’t document that I tried to call a patient and was gonna do it later bc I thought I wouldn’t be able to reach them and it looked like I didn’t do shit

Feeling like a failure because I’m struggling to sleep early even when I try to wind down early and also I don’t have any good boooks to read

Anxious because I don’t really know how to interview this kiddo around psychosis and mania past her initial denial

Unacceptable because I feel all these negative emotions all the time and putting them into words makes it real and makes me a problem, I wish I could just say these things and have people treat me like nothing happened

Not good at my job because I always have so much to talk about in supervision. Of course I fucking know lots of these feelings are normal and that many of them aren’t true. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel them all the fucking time and I have to hide them to function

Why am I just so fucking down this week, is it really because I’m just being more honest with myself?

I don’t fucking want to go in early tomorrow even that 15 minutes is really important to me I don’t want to be flexible and I don’t want to be incredibly anxious tmr because I didn’t give myself that extra 15 mins to plan

Im tired of having my time disrespected and that I have to work hard to enforce attendance when it’s not my fucking problem

I’m tired of looking forward and realizing it’ll just be even more and harder versions of the same shit as I move forward in my career

A fucking failure because I can’t deal with planning a bunch of fucking trips with all of this going on. I can’t fucking do it and I’m the fucking worst for it.

I worked hard to take advantage of the opportunity to end Thursday early and then realized I would have fuckign hours and hours of paperwork that will put me at overtime once again

Why did I agree to attend this fucking conference

I always think things will be awful and then they’re not, it’s not the actual things I do it’s all the negative feelings I have before and after that are so hard to take

This week has made me empathize with other anxious people even more than before

I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t figure out how to ask for what I want in supervision, I’m also angry that she doesn’t facilitate it for me without me asking

I’m nervous about rating my state of being accurately in group sup

I’m worried about not being ok, because I am okay, I’ll be fine, I just want to be honest for once, am I allowed to be negative at least in the confines of my own mind? I am doing the exact same as before but now that I’m finally being honest I feel a lot worse, is that okay?

Hey self, is that okay?