#but they’re getting pretty fed up with his new temper tantrums

[ghost-bxrd]

Me, reading the idea that Jason thinks he accidentally kills Dick in the dragon au: WAIT no-

Me, imagining Dick surviving somehow - on a wing and a prayer, and him clawing his way back to Gotham with Nightwing because there's no way he's letting this be the last time he sees his family and brother: wait.

Me, imagining that instead of going home, Dick just drags himself to wherever Jason's kingdom is, confronting him there and seeing just how badly Jason spiraled after thinking he killed his older brother: okay this may be onto something here.

Omg!!! Bonus points if Dick only gets so far in his journey because well meaning commoner recognizes the crown prince and realizes that “shit, if the new tyrant/king/whatever went crazy because of this dude, maybe getting him back will do the reverse thing? And stop him feeding people to Red?”

[astaroth1357]

The Demon Brothers got Hexed and now They're Babies. Good Luck, MC!

Lucifer

Both adorable and bossy at the same time.

If he wants something it has to be NOW or he'll fuss incessantly.

Attempts to order his brothers around still like they're his minions, but since none of them can form words very well it's just him assertively speaking near-gibberish in their general direction.

Unsurprisingly, his “orders” get completely ignored by everybody for once in his life, including his caretaker. Gets very frustrated when not listened to and will throw a mini-tantrum but will tire out very quickly and just take a nap wherever he's at.

Likes to try and boss MC around the most but it’s pretty easy to cave because he gets so dang giddy when someone finally does what he wants. Smiling baby Lucifer has to be one of the most precious sights in all the Devildom.

If you don’t think Diavolo is going to take it upon himself to act like his big brother through this whole thing, you’re wrong. The dude is loving this and will play with Luci all day if someone doesn’t step in to stop him.

After everyone is better he will demand that any and all pictures/videos of him get chucked into the sea. They won't be but, hey, he tried.

Mammon

Is there really any difference? 😆

Jokes aside, he's one of the clingest of the bunch and has to be held for a little bit every hour or else he gets grouchy.

Keeps putting shiny things in his onesie and ends up dragging them along behind him wherever he goes.

Pretty much will not share anything that's he's taken a liking to, be it toys, food, or people. The MC especially. He will try to physically drag his brothers away from what’s his if it comes down to it.

He's somehow everybody's favorite playmate and seems to know it too. If one of his brothers gets sad then he'll be right over to comfort them into playing again.

He's the only one who can wake up baby Luci from his naps without him getting too grouchy.

He's gonna sell a pretty penny on all the pics of his adorable little self. He also stole most of the footage of baby Lucifer playing with Diavolo to do the same. Hope the Grimm will be worth it when he finds out 💀

Leviathan 

Cries. So. Damn. Fast.

One of those skittish kids that scares pretty easily and doesn't feel very comfortable around new people. Will be clinging onto somebody at all times and standing behind the MC’s legs is a favorite hiding spot.

Oddly fascinated by toilets and seeing how much he can flush down them. If it fits in the bowl, it ain't safe. Someone keep an eye on Henry…

Absolutely loves bathtime. Few things on this planet can claim to be happier than a little Levi buried under some soap suds. His grin could power the Devildom AND Las Vegas with some left to spare.

His tail is juuust starting to grow. He bawled his eyes out for hours once when Belphie "accidentally" yanked it (the little shit…)

Mammon is lowkey his emotional support friend.

Will likely be mortified later by the sheer amount of his own figurines he tried teething on. Thankfully, he was usually stopped before causing lasting damage.

Satan

Lil'brat #1

Is he the sort of kid who will push buttons just to see the reaction? The answer is yes, yes he is.

Does he throw the most ungodly temper tantrums ever known to demon kind for seemingly no reason at all? Yes. Yes he does.

Is he probably the reason that manners aren't just enforced, but fucking inventing? Absolutely.

Will he quiet the fuck down the second someone shows him a cat; real, picture, or otherwise? Oh yes. Right away.

More or less best dealt with by giving him a tablet with cat videos. He’ll settle right in and coo at the screen for hours. Otherwise, their father have mercy on your patience (and breakables).

Will apologize for all the trouble he caused when the hex wears off… (but he remembers all of it and fucking relishes that he got the chance to be That. Nasty. with no long-term consequences. Good times…)

Asmodeus

That one kid who doesn't get the concept of stranger danger at all.

Super adorable and friendly but prone to wandering off and trying to make friends with anything that moves.

That includes bugs, Henry 2.0, Diavolo, Barbatos, the angels, Solomon, that guy down the street, his hungry looking hellhound… Any time he makes a new “friend” he has to excitedly show them to the MC like they’re his new favorite thing ever.

Basically the reason those leashed toddler backpacks were invented.

Can be easily distracted by his own reflection in a mirror. He'll watch himself in rapt suspense for way longer than he really should.

He and Mammon fight over shiny things. While Mammon just stockpiles them, Asmo will try to wear them as hats.

Is going to be incredibly pissed if there's not at least an entire album's worth of pictures of his little baby self when he returns to normal. It's a one-in-a-lifetime Devilgram opportunity here!

Beelzebub 

Will eat anything. Literally. Anything.

You think having practically no teeth will stop him? He has the jaw strength of a crocodile!

Can't be left alone in nearly any capacity because he will try a bite of whatever he gets his hands on. Tables, cushions, chairs, toys, remotes, nothing is safe...

Teething toys are a must for him, but he's going to go through a lot of them pretty quickly. Open up your wallet, MC, before he takes a bite out of that too.

Eats far too fast for his own good and gets food everywhere. It's best just to feed him without clothes on then hose him down afterward.

If he's not eating (or trying to eat) something then he's looking for cuddles. About the only thing that he doesn’t try taking a bite out of is MC, though it might be best to keep him fed so we don’t have to test that.

Doesn’t mind the photos, but might be a little disappointed that he doesn't remember tasting the couch… It always has reminded him of marshmallows...

Belphegor 

Is either the easiest child to deal with in the world or Lil'brat #2. There is no in-between.

One of those kids who will gladly put themselves to bed and sleep through a hurricane if left alone.

Is also lowkey pretty aware that this means there’s a lot less attention on him and he will cause mischief when bored.

Obsessed with "drawing" on walls. Mostly portraits(?) of either himself or Beel, but occasionally one looks like the MC. Wherever he keeps finding the markers is a complete mystery.

Will also instigate fights with his brothers. Takes Mammon's favorite toys, throws Satan's tablet, pulls Levi's tail, etc. Tries to look like all cute afterward but he knows what he did and so does everybody else, the stinker. 😖

Nap buddies with Lucifer and they can often be found sharing his, now oversized, cow-pillow together.

Afterwards, he'll enjoy hearing the stories of his reign of terror but also kind of misses having that great excuse to nap all day.

[secret-engima]

Pericar Leonis was born screaming. He seemed angry at the world for years, his blue eyes snapping fire. So it was a shock when Peri was found in the newborn Prince’s nursery, calmly feeding him a perfectly prepared bottle, steel eyes soft for once. Never mind how a toddler had found his way out of his room and past all the guards to get to the Prince, never mind he’d prepared a bottle and successfully fed the baby, his peace was the biggest shock. His pronouncement of “mine” at the birth (1/2)

Anonymous said: (2/2) was perhaps something they should have paid more attention to. That night started a hair raising precedent. There was a slight worry that Noctis wouldn’t learn to walk, Peri was determined to carry him everywhere. Combat training was the only time guaranteed to take Peri away from his young charge. As soon as training was over, Peri would be right back at Noctis’ side, handing the Prince whatever had attracted his attention. ‘Nothing is going to happen this time,’ Peri once Gladio swore

Anonymous said: 3/2 in his mind. ‘I don’t care if I have to fight the Astrals all myself. You won’t have to die for the Dawn.’ He was a Sword, not a Shield anymore, but he wouldn’t let that matter.

Me: Stop tempting me with this lovely angsty AU-

*sighs and quietly adopts the new bunny*

Don’t ... really like the name Pericar? Sorry? Imma go with Certus Leonis.

No one is sure ... what to make of the bby Leonis. The one that got basically dumped on the Citadel’s doorstep with a note and a paternity test that the Citadel doctors later confirmed. Cor loves his son, of course he does, but he also can tell that his son ... is angry. Has been angry and raw around the edges from six months old.

Then his son is four and he’s found in the royal nursery, carefully feeding the baby prince with a look of ... adoration. Calm. In his eyes. It is the quietest, gentlest Cor has ever seen his son, utterly devoted to the infant in his arms. No one knows how he got in or why, but he’s there now and it quickly becomes evident that trying to separate them is a Bad Idea.

At first they worry Certus will be too rough, but he never is. At first they fear he will stunt Noctis’s growth or spoil him, but Certus doesn’t. He is always firm but kind, and Cor has seen his son drop whatever he’s doing and leave the room to throw a temper tantrum of his own rather than take it out on Noctis. Noctis’s first steps are witnessed by Certus, and it is in Certus’s shadow that the boy quickly learns to toddle around, asking questions that Certus always answers with patience. Regis sadly jokes that Certus is trying to steal his position as Noctis’s father, Cor doesn’t laugh. Inwardly all the adults are ... a bit worried at the nigh-fanatical level of loyalty Certus gives Noctis, loyalty that extends to little Ignis the moment they meet.

Backing up in time a little, when Noctis is maybe a year old, Cor has to go on a mission to Niflheim. He comes back with a baby. He’s exhausted, sitting in Regis’s suite holding the child as they try to decide what to DO with the baby when Certus ambles in. Whatever reason he had for barging into Regis’s suite (probably looking for his returned dad) is forgotten when he spots the baby in Cor’s arms.

Cor feels a swell of dread when his little son trundles over and holds out his arms imperiously for the baby, “Mine.”

“We’re not keeping him.”

Certus freezes and Cor is definitely remembering that “may your children be just like you” curse because that Look in his son’s eye is the same he had when running off to fight Gilgamesh, “My baby brother.”

Cor backpedals, hoping this is a misunderstanding he can clear, “He’s not mine, Certus. I just ... found him. He needs proper parents.”

“You’re a proper parent,” says Certus far too steadily for a normal five year old, “You found him, you keep him.”

Regis leans forward, “That’s- that’s not how childcare works, Certus. Cor is already very busy caring for you and doing his duty, a baby-”

“I’ve taken care of Noct, I can take care of this one,” Certus says stubbornly.

The conversation devolves from there until ... Cor isn’t sure what happened. He thinks Certus threatened to hurt himself if they took the baby away, a too-bright look in his eye that meant he was serious, and no protests could sway him, especially not after Cor was dumb enough to say that the baby was a security risk because he’d been stolen from a Nif lab.

He’s pretty sure if Certus had been taller, he would have punched Cor in the mouth for saying that.

It ends with Certus possessively holding a distressed Nif baby, rocking him back and forth and cooing lovingly, “It’s okay, Prom, I’m here. You’re staying with me now. I won’t let anything happen to you, and you can play with Noct all day, and when you’re big enough we’ll get you a camera, an’ everything will be okay. Shhh Prompto, it’s okay.”

And that is how Cor ends up with kid number 2 and Noctis grows up with a blond playmate that he sees so often the two think for years they’re actual brothers. Certus is so proud of himself. The adults are ... Professionally Concerned. Was Cor like this as a child? Cor can’t remember and they didn’t meet him until he was 13 so...

Certus clearly has Cor’s Fite Me gene though, as the only way to pry him clear of the kids is to throw weapons training at him, which he excels at and pushes for all the time, trying to turn himself into a tiny weapon and getting angry when Cor, who remembers how messed up being a weapon himself made him, refuses to let him go that far.

After Noctis turns four and Regis learns of the Prophecy though, Regis is ... grateful for Certus. Certus is the head of Noctis’s little budding Retinue, the Sword and leader just like Ignis is the Hand and little Prompto is the Heart and Gladio is the Shield (who does so look up to Certus, which seems to wig Certus out a little for unexplained reasons). His son ... his son has good friends. His son will have a good life. Before the end.

He thinks that right up until Certus is fifteen and decides to blow Cor’s record for recklessness out of the water by running away for three weeks and coming back with the CHANCELLOR OF NIFLHEIM IN TOW. WHO WANTS TO DEFECT.

Said Chancellor, who has just been beaten in a duel by a spiteful fifteen year old with a too old soul and a crazy plan to REALLY tick off the Astrals that was tempting enough to make Ardyn roll with it, is smug and deadly and shifty right up until Certus siccs Noct and Prompto on him.

Ardyn is not prepared for the Chosen King and the escaped MT to be this Cute™.

Help. Help they’re looking at him with puppy eyes. Help he’s getting attached already. Certus this is CHEATING.

Certus, smugly, “Learned from watching the best.”

Ardyn, who is aware of the time-travel thing and that Certus has been on the receiving end of Ardyn’s Grand Plot, “I TAUGHT YOU TOO WELL.”

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, November 30

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: The Kennedy family torn apart 

Page 2: Angry and isolated Caitlyn Jenner is on a downward emotional spiral that some friends believe have left her one step from the psycho ward -- she feels shunned by her own family and can’t find romance and is unhappy with with her looks -- Caitlyn is so tense and insecure and sensitive about everything so she’s diving into more and more prospective projects in a desperate effort to kickstart her flagging career and she’s flying off the handle all the time plus she’s tried to drown her sorrows in a new round of cosmetic improvements including a face-lift and lipo to trim her waist and thighs but she’s horrified she’s still not happy with her looks after all her surgeries 

Page 3: Lovestruck Halle Berry has leapt headfirst into a red-hot romance with Van Hunt but the singer is a skirt-chasing cheat -- Van and his ex-wife split in 2007 after she said he abandoned her and their only child to move to L.A. and she claimed the musician admitted adultery shortly before divorce documents were filed -- Halle would be disturbed to hear that Van walked out on his son because she’s a very family-oriented person and she could never imagine living on the other side of the country to her kids -- Van’s grown and matured since the divorce and is sure to have shared all about his situation with Halle and he’s said to be on good terms with his ex-wife but people say once a cheater always a cheater and that’s got to be at the back of Halle’s mind 

Page 4: Runaway Prince Harry is reeling after being publicly snubbed by his royal relatives and now he is having second thoughts about ditching his official duties for a glam life in Hollywood; he’s finally realizing just what he gave up when he left England with wife Meghan Markle and their son Archie and he’s wondering if it was worth it -- the simmering rift between Harry and the royals exploded after they refused his request to be part of Britain’s Remembrance Day ceremonies to honor fallen soldiers so Harry retaliated by staging a photo op at Los Angeles National Cemetery with Meghan with his military medals pinned on his navy suit; Harry was banned from wearing his military uniform when he quit royal duties and he also had to give up his military duties which devastated him -- photos from the cemetery released by the couple triggered an immediate backlash and they were accused of being shameless publicity-seekers trying to steal headlines and overshadow the royals doing their duty back home; it was a disaster and Harry was shocked -- he’s reaching out to the palace to make amends but calls to his brother Prince William and father Prince Charles have gone unanswered

* Katie Holmes and Emilio Vitolo Jr.’s hot new romance is in a pressure cooker as their families fight to claim the couple as their guests for the holidays -- things were going great for them but this tug-of-war may tear them apart because Emilio’s folks told him they want him home with them but Katie is desperate to spend Christmas with her relatives in Ohio and they really want to meet her new boyfriend and Katie is feeling guilty because she spends so much time with Emilio’s clan at his dad’s Manhattan eatery so she thinks it’s only fair that he does this for her but Emilio’s never missed a holiday gathering with his own family and there are a lot of them he hasn’t seen because of the pandemic 

Page 5: Celine Dion is finally ready to put the past behind her as the fifth anniversary of her beloved husband’s death approaches in January and she is planning to leave Las Vegas with their sons and she is pining to return to her native Quebec and give twins Nelson and Eddy and 19-year-old Rene-Charles a taste of her own childhood -- Celine had been careful to not upset her kids’ lives since the death of their dad from throat cancer but she now believes the boys would benefit from spending time in The Great White North -- she also thinks it might be more likely she’ll find lasting love in her home country 

Page 6: Defiantly plump Lizzo has ditched her diet and frightened friends are staging an intervention to get her to a fat farm to save her life -- Lizzo had committed to eating vegan after weighing in at 350 pounds but once on vacation it lasted like two days before she couldn’t take it any longer -- she has anxiety issues and uses food to comfort herself but the stress the weight is putting on her heart and other organs could have a detrimental effect on her health and cut her life short

Page 7: Mark Harmon and Pauley Perrette have agreed to meet for peace talks after a long-simmering feud triggered her angry departure from NCIS and Mark reached out to her to invite her back -- Mark feels bad about how Pauley left the show and knows she played a big role in its success and he’s anxious to set things right between them and bring back one of the show’s favorite all-time characters for fans -- Mark also feels he’s been painted unfairly in Pauley’s departure and would like to know he was not behind it but the two clashed for years with Pauley charging Mark’s bullying caused her to quit the show and Pauley even tweeted she is terrified of Harmon and him attacking her -- while Pauley is not saying yes or no to returning to the show she’s definitely willing to sit down and talk 

* The drama between sickly Phil Collins and his squatting ex-wife Orianne Cevey is really getting down and dirty with Orianne charging that Phil degenerated into a pill-popping addict who stopped showering and brushing his teeth and was impotent and she also claimed Phil became emotionally and verbally abusive and refused to provide emotional support or love or care for her -- Phil’s lawyers said Orianne’s charges are scandalous and scurrilous and unethical and for the most part patently false or grossly exaggerated

Page 8: Power-hungry host Savannah Guthrie is gunning to be the reigning queen of Today and is willing to walk over anyone to achieve her goal and her blind ambition is ripping the once-invincible morning show apart and she even used Al Roker’s prostate cancer diagnosis to push her own agenda and capitalize on Al’s absence for surgery to demand more airtime for herself -- every meeting starts with the focus on whatever Savannah wants and the staff is far from happy about it and morale has never been worse -- Savannah has constantly pushed the producers for Jenna Bush Hager and herself to take the lead on big news stories and keep Hoda Kotb stuck in the fluffy stuff and Hoda’s completely pissed off -- Savannah’s rising star has come with temper tantrums and diva-like demands -- fed-up Hoda recently met with friends of Gayle King and there is speculation the two women could make a powerful pairing and revitalize third-place CBS This Morning 

Page 9: Regis Philbin’s death certificate reveals paramedics waged a desperate 40-minute battle to try to save his life -- he suffered a heart attack just after 3 a.m. on July 24 at his home in Connecticut and he was rushed to the emergency room where medics fought to save his life but he eventually succumbed at 4:18 a.m. 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Queen Latifah on the NYC set of The Equalizer, socially distant host Ellen DeGeneres went the extra mile to greet guest Jimmy Kimmel on her talk show, Steve Schirripa and Bridget Moynahan shot Blue Bloods in NYC, Kristen Taekman prettied up her pout in L.A., Tracy Morgan attended the ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new community center at Brooklyn’s Marcy Houses 

Page 11: Smitten ‘70s TV stars Patrick Duffy and Linda Purl may owe their late-in-life romance to Zoom but according to the actress the couple didn’t rush their relationship -- the two have been friends for decades but a COVID-19 group video chat helped spark love during lockdown -- after one of their lengthy one-on-one conversations Patrick jumped into his car and drove 20 hours from L.A. to her Colorado home like a lovestruck teenager 

* Beloved Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek left behind a final touching message for his fans and it will be extremely moving -- Alex’s final message will follow his last episode of Jeopardy! set to air on Christmas Day

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Joel Michaely at the opening of The Comeback Trail (picture)

* Kelly Clarkson’s divorce meant she booted ex Brandon Blackstock out of her professional life but he’ll still be in her work life thanks to Blake Shelton -- Brandon might not be Kelly’s manager anymore but he still manages Blake which might get awkward when Kelly runs into him backstage at The Voice

* Keeping Up with the Kardashians is notching all-time low ratings and the family is blaming Kim Kardashian saying she’s lost her sense of humor and she’s too busy trying to be taken seriously

* Nitpicky Ryan Seacrest has ditched celebrity designer Nate Berkus’ husband Jeremiah Brent as his decorator because they had a nasty falling out over the renovation of Ryan’s townhouse in New York City 

Page 13: Steve Harvey’s daughter Lori Harvey escaped jail time after cops claimed she fled the scene of a Beverly Hills car crash in 2019 -- she was charged with two misdemeanors for hit-and-run and delaying a police investigation after she walked away from a smashup that damaged her Mercedes G-wagon and nearly destroyed another vehicle but she cut a deal with prosecutors and pleaded no contest to resisting arrest and will serve two years probation -- she reportedly had been texting at the time of the accident 

* Reba McEntire confirmed she turned down a regular role on The Voice which left the life-changing gig open for Blake Shelton -- Reba said she didn’t think she could ever tell somebody that they’re terrible 

* Cancer warrior Olivia Newton-John revealed she kicked a dependence on morphine with medical marijuana -- to cope with her pain during her third bout with breast cancer that had spread in 2017 doctors put her on mega doses of the highly addictive drug and she weaned herself off the morphine with the cannabis which she thinks is incredible and says people should know that because you’re not going to die from cannabis and you can use it to wean off morphine and she’s continued on a regime with cannabis ever since 

Page 14: Crime 

Page 15: Los Angeles’ newly elected District Attorney George Gascon has vowed to reopen the probe into actress Natalie Wood’s mysterious drowning and her husband Robert Wagner could finally be dragged before a grand jury -- Gascon said he’ll work with investigators from the L.A. Sheriff’s Department homicide squad to reexamine the case after the previous D.A. refused to present evidence to a grand jury -- Natalie drowned in 1981 while enjoying a holiday with Robert and actor Christopher Walken off Catalina Island 

Page 16: The Talk has been thrown into chaos by cast shake-ups and co-host Sharon Osbourne’s power grab and may be on the verge of being silenced forever -- staffers are expecting the worst after popular co-host Eve announced she was splitting after four seasons becoming the latest in a long line of damaging departures and while Eve blamed her exit on COVID-19 travel restrictions from England much of the blame goes to self-promotional Sharon’s relentless efforts to take over the show after former moderator Julie Chen’s departure last year -- Sharon has made it clear she’s in charge now and the other ladies are not thrilled with being reduced to supporting cast and fans have started calling for Sharon’s head 

Page 17: John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono has sparked fears she’s nearing the end after handing her business dealings off to their son Sean Lennon -- the wheelchair-bound Yoko had been managing the late Beatle’s vast $800 million holdings since his 1980 shooting death but it’s now beyond her abilities

Page 18: American Life 

Page 19: Johnny Depp is writing and planning to star in a tell-all movie about his divorce war with loathed ex-wife Amber Heard -- after a U.K. court ruled he was physically abusive toward Amber during their marriage Johnny wants to tell the world his version of the marriage and he will set people straight about what happened and clear his name to millions to fans and he believes this is a slam dunk once he gets it in front of the right producer especially as he’s more than willing to play himself 

* The family of vicious Boston mobster James “Whitey” Bulger has filed a lawsuit against the federal government accusing prison officials of orchestrating the 2018 hit on the Mob boss -- the action accuses the Federal Bureau of Prisons of intentional or deliberately indifferent deeds that led to the murder of the wheelchair-bound mobster just hours after he was inexplicably transferred to the Hazelton penitentiary in West Virginia where he was beaten to death by prisoners to keep him from singing about corruption inside the FBI and the Department of Justice -- Whitey was bludgeoned with a padlock stuffed inside a sock and his murderers had enough time to cut out his tongue and eyes to make it seem like a classic Mafia hit 

Page 20: Angelina Jolie lives in constant fear one of her six children will be kidnapped and held for ransom according to her former bodyguard -- Angie and her ex Brad Pitt are worth hundreds of millions which Angie feared provided plenty of incentive for criminals to target her offspring

* Hollywood Hookups -- Sofia Richie and Matthew Morton dating, Sabrina Parr and Lamar Odom split, Daniela Rajic and Paul George engaged

Page 21: Justin Bieber’s pastor Carl Lentz lost his job over a steamy affair with an exotic beauty -- Lentz was fired from the megachurch Hillsong and his mistress claimed the two were in love 

* Wildlife lover Bindi Irwin has announced 20 weeks into pregnancy her baby is the size of a tiny emu -- she delivered the news flash beneath a photo with her husband Chandler Powell appropriately taken at the Australia Zoo

* Hugh Grant made a bizarre confession admitting his bout with COVID-19 left him wanting to sniff strangers’ armpits -- Hugh revealed he tested positive for coronavirus antibodies and believes he contracted the bug in February and the illness caused a feeling of an enormous man sitting on his chest but Hugh also claimed he was rattled by losing his sense of smell which is a known symptom of the disease and purposely sought out putrid odors to test his useless nose 

Page 22: Jailed Ghislaine Maxwell’s latest devastating court defeat has heightened fears that the woman accused of being billionaire sex fiend Jeffrey Epstein’s madam will die behind bars just as he did -- since July Maxwell has been locked up in solitary confinement at Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center where her jailers subject her to daily strip and cell searches and is monitored 24 hours a day she doesn’t suffer the same fate as Epstein whose death was officially ruled a suicide -- now the U.S. Court of Appeals has denied her bid to publicly name the women who have come forward in the media and civil actions as Epstein’s alleged victims and implicated the British socialite in his twisted sex ring so the damning decision upheld an earlier ruling and shattered her defense team’s bid to investigate and refute the claims of the unnamed accusers

Page 23: Tom Cruise’s plan to shoot the first movie in space may be in jeopardy after Russia vowed to beat him to it -- Tom has teamed with tech billionaire Elon Musk’s SpaceX program to film the unnamed project on the International Space Station in October 2021 -- but a rival Russian agency plans to already be in outer space by then and the Russian film is titled Challenge and its team has sent out a casting call for a female lead -- Tom sees this as a gauntlet being thrown down and he always rises to the challenge and he’s told SpaceX they have to get up there before next October

Page 28: Cover Story -- Kennedy curse rips clan apart -- the family takes sides as Michael Skakel skates and William Kennedy Smith stalls $50 million will 

Page 32: Ric Ocasek’s oldest son has blasted him as a deadbeat dad who was never there -- Chris Otcasek who uses the original spelling of the family name wrote on Instagram that his father in essence died the day he was born and he was never present and he was never there -- Ric left his mom who was his second wife Suzanne while she was pregnant with their second child 

* Lisa Marie Presley has had a medical emergency so severe it brought her bitter custody trial with fourth ex-husband Michael Lockwood to a halt 

Page 36: Health, Ask the Vet 

Page 38: Pope John Paul II was aware that disgraced and defrocked Cardinal Theodore McCarrick was a pedophile but elevated him anyway to the powerful post of Archbishop of Washington D.C. in 2001 -- McCarrick had showered over $600,000 in donations on powerful clerics including Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict while facing allegations of abuse -- Pope Francis finally defrocked McCarrick in 2019 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Mandy Moore 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Emma Corrin as Princess Diana in The Crown 

Page 47: Odd List 

[cavehags]

Live blog the book here, I'm so morbidly curious but I'd rather die than read if

okay so it’s… not a liveblog since i already read it but yes here are the highlights of THE GRACE YEAR BY KIM LIGGETT

warning for brief descriptions of many kinds of violence and sexual violence under the cut because kim liggett despises women and wants you to know it!

also sorry for my awful photos of my kindle screen

tierney james lives in a society where women have no rights

every year, all the 16-year-old girls are temporarily banished to the wilderness for a year. if they survive, a few lucky chosen ones among them get to get married off to men in town who choose them (the women have no say)

all women have awful lives. they aren’t allowed to congregate with other women. they aren’t allowed to dream or hum or enjoy sex. their husbands can have them banished or executed for any reason. all the girls and women have to watch other women get executed or whipped or punished in some way at least once a month on the full moons

men claim that women require constant supervision and discipline to keep them in line because they could be harboring secret magic. in theory, the point of the “grace year” is to give the girls a chance to burn out their magic before they come back to civilization

but the magic isn’t actually real, and at least the men who run the town are well aware of that

anyway. tierney sets out for her grace year

she discovers she’s unusually prepared to live in the wilderness because her dad prepared her – her dad is super nice and the narrative never considers for a second that he might be complicit in the harms done to these young girls :) so she does stuff like building rain barrels to catch fresh rainwater because the well water they’re supposed to drink has gross algae in it

but the other girls, led by mean ringleader kiersten, start becoming violent and bringing over the misogynistic rituals from their village into the grace year camp - like cutting off fingertips and cute stuff like that :)

tierney stands up to oppression so they kick her out of the encampment lol. bitches amiright? 

the fear with being kicked out of the encampment is not about having to find food and shelter from wild animals. the main fear is Poachers. so on the outskirts of the main society, exiled women are forced into sex work serving the husbands of the village (yup! really!). those women and their children make up the outskirts community. and the adult sons of that community become poachers – and their prey is grace year girls. poachers lurk around the grace year encampment for girls who have run off, and they try to murder and dismember the girls and sell their body parts back to the city. their body parts are then EATEN as fertility potions and aphrodisiacs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so tierney’s like real scared of poachers lol

except weird thing, this one poacher keeps saving her life. this happens twice

then it happens a third time but she winds up knocked unconscious. and she wakes up naked and strapped to a table with some dude using a knife on her

she’s real scared and assumes she’s being skinned alive, because that is what the poachers do! 

she’s too drugged to resist but over a period of weeks she regains consciousness enough to learn that he was just preventing her from freezing to death!!!! and the knife? well he was cleaning her wounds. with a knife. somehow that’s supposed to make sense. i’m not sure either.

they build up a rapport and i bet you know where this is going

she falls in love with the fucking poacher :) 

basically she develops sympathy for him when she learns that this PROFESSIONAL GIRL-HUNTER unfortunately LIVES IN POVERTY and therefore DESERVES HER COMPASSION

also poacher is a slur lol

it’s weird that she’s so forgiving towards him because she hears him talking to his friend and they both call women “it” lmao

but who am i to say what is and is not romance

here’s a little snippet of tierney falling in love with him :) 

and this is a weird aside that the book definitely did NOT need, but for your own edification, turns out that in the outskirts community, the men do have sex, but only anal

so anyway this nightmarish misogyny of the main character falling in love with a man who literally hunts teenage girls lasts for maybe a hundred pages

they have sex. even though tierney is likely to get burned at the stake if she returns to the village and her new husband discovers she’s not a virgin. so that’s pretty cool

but eventually tho, another poacher discovers that tierney’s lover is harboring prey and he threatens tierney by telling her he’ll kill her lover if she doesn’t return to the grace year camp right away

she does, because his safety is soooo important to her

again. this man hunts teenage girls

but back at the camp, the girls are super crazy still

oh but one thing tierney learned is that the well water they drink is poisoned and so she thinks if she can get them to stop drinking poison, and to drink from the stream instead, they might get better

see her poacher lover was soooo helpful

back at the camp, the girls are all freaking out that a poacher appears to be creeping around and stealing stuff. tierney assumes it’s the friend of her lover’s who threatened her. the girls at the camp want to just kill her as a sacrifice or something, but tierney convinces them to let her go into the woods to deal with him instead

she does find who was responsible. it turns out it actually wasn’t a poacher at all! it was a guard who she knows who used to work on her family’s estate. he’s a stalker and thinks all girls are whores. it’s not very clear what’s going on with him, but anyway, he dies

but then tierney gets back to the camp and omg the girls have killed a poacher while she was gone!!! tierney freaks out because what if it’s her boyfriend!!!!

it wasn’t, but she still flips out that they very wrongly murdered a woman-hunter

literally cannot believe it. i literally just cannot believe it

HE WAS GOING TO KILL THEM AND SELL THEIR BODY PARTS FOR PEOPLE TO EAT AS APHRODISIACS

BUT YEAH. THEY’RE WRONG FOR KILLING HIM IN SELF-DEFENSE

tierney has this whole awakening that the poachers are victims of the patriarchy too sdhgiasodghaisdg

her one friend at the camp convinces her to go back and find her poacher lover and live with him in the woods forever

oh yeah her sisters are going to get banished to the outskirts and be forced into sex work as soon as they get their first period. but it’s worth it so she can be with her poacher lover

anyway she goes back into the woods, but not before her main bully, kiersten, has a confrontation with ANOTHER poacher

yeah poachers are people too guys

speaking off poachers being human. her lover dies. he dies a hero, protecting tierney

so she goes back to the camp and makes up with the girls

put yourself first girl worry bout yourself

ANYWAY! their grace year is over and finally they get to return to the town! but there’s a roadblock before tierney can move into her husband’s house: SHE’S PREGNANT, AND SHOWING

yep! she’s been pregnant for at least four months. the book saved this news as a big reveal

no wonder her friend told her to go live in the woods with her lover forever

she is sure to be burned at the stake

and actually tierney is down to get burned at the stake because then she’ll be able to speak her piece about how she feels that the grace year is bullshit with a whole audience listening. (she notes that bodies take a long time to burn, OMG TIERNEY FIND A BETTER WAY). 

but when the village realizes she’s pregnant and everyone is like “BURN HER!!!”, her new fiance heroically intervenes and fakes this whole thing about how actually the baby is his and he wants to marry her anyway

tierney’s like, um, well i really wanted to get burned at the stake, but…….

that’s right. she decides to live and marry this guy all so the poacher’s family line can live on

anyway tierney’s sort of excited to be friends with her new husband but as soon as she tells him the pregnancy wasn’t from rape, he throws a temper tantrum and goes to chop down some trees to cool off

bummer

but all is not lost! she makes up with him and she realizes she can love both him AND the poacher lover

and the baby too, one presumes

tierney really has quite a good life for a society where women aren’t people, i have to say

anyway, soon enough she gives birth. in excruciating detail i might add

as soon as the baby is born, tierney realizes that all this time, when she’s been having dreams about this girl with a red birthmark helping her save her people, those dreams were about HER FUTURE DAUGHTER

tierney names the baby grace

she’s literally seventeen years old

and that is the end of the fucking book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so to recap: men who buy women as sex slave wives? are actually kind and loving souls. men who hunt women and dismember them and sell their organs? also kind and loving souls. but teenage girls being fed poison water? those girls are bitches. tierney doesn’t care about them lol

also

in the acknowledgments

the author thanks elizabeth banks and universal pictures for optioning the book

please let this die in development hell i truly can’t take it

worst fucking book i’ve ever read

thank you goodnight

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What if Visser One stayed on Earth and was still in charge of the invasion when the Animorphs were formed?

The humans would lose.

I’m speculating, of course, but that’s my speculation.  Edriss 562 — especially Edriss with access to Eva’s brain — is too damn smart to be taken down by six kids and half her own army turning on her.  Edriss knows how to pay close attention to Eva’s intelligence and perception without getting sucked into Eva’s blind spots the way that Esplin 9466 is with Alloran.  Eva herself is tough, canny, and very good at understanding her enemies and allies alike.

Neither one of them is perfect, to be sure, but ultimately Visser One gets taken down more by Marco’s opportunistic leveraging of misinformation within the Yeerk Empire than by her own errors.  Visser One understands humans, and has enormous skill at persuading them.  Visser One knows the value of subtlety well enough to lead a covert invasion.  Visser One might be more feared than loved, but she still wins several followers out from under Visser Three with her charisma and vision.  Maybe most importantly, Visser One set the playbook for the Earth invasion — creating the Sharing, emphasizing the value of voluntary and quasi-voluntary hosts, controlling the flow of information, leveraging Hollywood for social influence — and so she understands how the plan is supposed to play out in practice.  Either an invasion with Visser Three using Visser Three’s playbook or one with Visser One using Visser One’s playbook could work, in practice; it’s only when Visser Three is forced to use Visser One’s plans that the whole invasion falls apart.

A few ways that I think Visser One could improve on Visser Three’s plans:

Recruit with less honey, more vinegar.

Tom’s yeerk makes multiple attempts to lure Jake and his parents to Sharing meetings, all unsuccessful.  However, it’s not until the yeerks know that Jake’s an Animorph that the yeerk in Tom finally gets authorization just to drag their parents down to the yeerk pool by force.

A better idea would be to drop the cult-recruitment strategy entirely after two failed attempts.  All it would take is getting a valuable potential host alone with a controller long enough for said controller to shoot the person in the back with a minimum-power dracon beam.  Then the controller could drag the host to the nearest car, get the person to the yeerk pool, and send the Body Snatched copy of the host (who would, of course, insist that nothing is wrong) home within an hour or two.

Make yeerks more mobile.

To give credit where it’s due, this is maybe the only good idea that AniTV yeerks ever come up with in 26 episodes of the show: They carry their unhosted brethren with them in thermoses.  This makes infestation infinitely easier in less-than-ideal circumstances, because it only requires a half-second of distraction on the part of the host for the controller to dump the yeerk in the unsuspecting person’s ear.  There are even fake ear thermometers in the one episode which have been modified to contain yeerks in little kandrona pods, meaning that an EMT-controller can infest someone in front of human witnesses without even arousing suspicion.

Throughout the book series, that (overall much smarter and more competent) version of the yeerks faces considerable problems with getting single hosts such as Jeremy Jason McCole or Jake’s dad down to the yeerk pool.  Given that we know yeerks can travel short distances in ziploc baggies (#29), Visser One would almost certainly leverage travel mugs to her advantage through keeping unhosted yeerks ready to go at a second’s notice as opportunities arise.

Go for quantity over quality.

Using the two methods I mentioned above, we could see a situation like Salem’s Lot or Invasion of the Body-Snatchers where the parasites quickly overwhelm the non-parasites with sheer numbers.  The yeerks devote a lot of resources toward trying to secure a small handful of high-impact but well-guarded targets — the chief of police, Karen’s dad, the governor of California, the president of France (?), William Roger Tennant.  Even when they grab ordinary schlubs, they tend to prioritize ordinary schlubs like Tom Berenson who are young, physically active, well-connected, nondisabled, and reasonably attractive.

Instead, they could just go full Hufflepuff: take the lot, and treat ‘em just the same.  Let’s use Tom as an example.  He gets grabbed because of his high school crush.  Then maybe the yeerks send “Tom” to get Jake in the door of a Sharing meeting by any means necessary.  They infest Jake the instant he’s in the door, and then send “Jake” and “Tom” home to tell their parents that there’s an urgent need for them to come to the car wash downtown.  Then they’ve got Steve, who is almost certainly friends with at least a few doctors he can call on the phone and ask to come downtown.  Those few doctors each call a few doctors, who each call a few doctors, and pretty soon they’re all going into business for themselves with this one weird nutritional supplement infesting their patients en masse.

The one big problem I see with this strategy is that there are approximately 10,000 humans for each yeerk on Earth, which would mean they’d have to focus heavily on infiltrating one town or city at a time and only branching out gradually as more yeerk pools were built and more baby yeerks were spawned.  It could still work though, IMHO.

Fix the culture.

I miiiiiight just be saying this because I’m a social psychologist, BUT.  Some major communications training could go a long way in the Yeerk Empire.  As it is, Visser Three’s leadership (and to a lesser extent that of other vissers) incentivizes lying to cover one’s own butt over offering up any kind of helpful feedback or remotely risky suggestions.  The Yeerk Empire, in canon, falls because a) Arbron and the other taxxons take the first alternate out that comes along rather than continuing to work for these imperialistic assholes, b) Tom’s yeerk gets fed up with Esplin’s crap to the point of wanting to stick a knife in his back, and c) the empire has been hemorrhaging hork-bajir hosts for years without doing anything about it.  The Animorphs come along and give the block tower a big ol’ shove, to be sure, but Visser One and Visser Three have been playing Jenga with it for years by the time it finally falls.

Visser One might, if she has the chance to run her own house for once, be smart enough to realize that rewarding people who give her bad news is a much much better idea than shooting the messenger.  Assuming she does, then we get no fake mind-control hamburgers, no multi-billion-dollar Sea Blade project that goes nowhere, no weekslong infiltration effort to glimpse a useless andalite porta-potty, and no near-catastrophe with the veleek.  Mist importantly, there’d be no internal fracturing that leads to the empire’s fall.  She’s not great at controlling her temper, so that’s a maybe at best, but assuming she could, then she’s capable of winning loyalty rather than demanding it with temper tantrums.

Assuming that Visser One manages to do all that, and I think she just might be able to pull all that off, the humans lose.  The Animorphs would do their best to make a mess along the way, of course, and maybe the invasion would be successful enough to get the andalites’ attention a little early, but it’s still not looking good for the good guys.

[wilhelmjfink]

The Great Divide - Chapter 8

I thought we were on chapter 7...

gonna try something new w/ these chapters in hopes that maybe they’ll get more notes! i’m gonna make a masterlist here for it tonight hopefully.... so the chapters will be in there along w/ the cover photo creds instead of hyperlinks b/c apparently that has something to do with it being searched.......... so whatever :-)

Previously: “I think you’re special, too, Riley.” Lidia leaned forward and used a tattered rag to comfortingly wipe away her tears. “And I don’t think that this is the end of your story. You just need to have hope. You can’t give up on Daryl.”

Rick knew Daryl well enough to always stay one step ahead of him.

And it was a good thing that he did, because the second that Warner decided to stop talking and instead offered a sly smile at the mention of Riley’s name, Daryl lunged at him.

Michonne immediately went to step in but Rick had already been anticipating it, though that didn’t make it much easier for him for control the man thrashing in his arms, trying his best to prevent him from reaching the stranger that sat in the corner before them helplessly.

It didn’t taken much to get Daryl to snap — it never had, especially when it came to Riley. But Warner obviously knew something; it was written all over his face. But he’d been scared when he’d woken up, bound and confused surrounded by three strangers after getting attacked by Daryl once already. If he didn’t learn to control his anger, Rick was worried he might just murder him — accidentally or otherwise — and that would leave them back at square one: absolutely clueless.

Riley had scolded him several times about losing his temper so violently, though she wasn’t any better at controlling her own. And he usually listened to her when she warned him, but she wasn’t here right now to stop him, and it was all because of the bastard in front of him.

“He knows somethin’, Rick!” Daryl growled, still trying half heartedly to escape from his friends grip. He was like a rabid wolf, snarling and gnashing his teeth in anger. “I’m gonna tear that smug look right off that fucker’s face!”

“How do you expect him to tell us what he knows if you break his jaw?” Rick responded firmly, losing his patience due to already having explained it earlier. He didn’t blame Daryl, though; the situation was infuriating in and of itself and the fact that they had a potential goldmine of information about Riley’s disappearance that sat in front of them refusing to speak only made it that much harder to retain his composure.

He was a cop. He’d done this a hundred times, if not more. Everybody had a breaking point... it was just a matter of finding it.

“Listen to me,” Rick sidestepped into Daryl’s point of view and made him focus, the snarl on his face not disappearing from his features and his blazing eyes not softening. “Guys like this, they all have a trigger — all of ‘em. We’ll get him to crack. Trust me. And gettin’ them to crack, well...” he threw a glance over his shoulder at Warner who hadn’t yet moved. “That’s the fun part.”

After a long moment of consideration Daryl finally nodded stiffly, clearly not thrilled or impressed with the lecture but stopping himself regardless. He hoped for Rick’s sake that the process of getting Warner to break was as fun as he said it would be. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be very long until he truly couldn’t stop himself and just completely lost it and they would be left with nothing once again, and it would be all his fault.

So they gagged him again, making sure it was tight enough to silence him but not too tight as to suffocate him, and waiting for the others to show up.

Warner sat quietly when they finally did Michonne wasn’t positive he noticed even when she turned around and closed the curtain in front of her.

“Rick, they’re here.”

He peered through the sheer fabric secretively, observing the crew that had slowly begun to show up one by one at the intersection at the end of the road. And sure enough, the black vehicles with a mysterious symbol painted on the side had arrived and parked in formation, waiting patiently for their friend to return with an innocent victim.

“That’s the same thing painted on what’s-his-names hoodie,” Daryl observed, peering over Rick’s shoulder at the crowd beneath him. “S’gotta be them, Rick. They know where Riley is.”

“That also means Warner really is with them.”

Daryl has already figured that, wanting to believe it was true regardless of whether or not it really was. It gave him something to latch onto, giving him a small spark of hope that he might actually see his girl again. 

“So, he really does know something... so, he belongs to us now.”

Daryl and Michonne were both surprised at the tone of Rick’s voice: dark and sinister, his anger bubbling to the surface as his adrenaline kicked in at the confirmation. He was seconds away from knocking Warner unconscious himself then, making his way over to him to tighten the gag around his mouth in an effort to reassure that he wouldn’t try to make any noise while his friends stood there waiting, watching on curiously. Rick didn’t even care at that point — he was sure they would leave after they decided that Warner was dead or gone... it was just the type of people that they were.

He also had a solid feeling now that Warner was aware of the whole situation, if he wasn't entirely responsible himself. But when he watched the group outside disperse for a short minute, hardly attempting to look for their teammate beyond the hotel building he observed them from, they returned to their vans and gave up. Just like that.

Now confident, Rick took it upon himself to release the built up anger he’d had to bury all morning by swinging at the stranger they had tied up, his fist colliding with his jaw loudly, sending him down to the rough carpet of the hotel room floor unconscious.

Daryl couldn’t help but smirk.

After the time they’d locked Jesus in the cell only for him manage to sneak his way out, they’d fool-proofed it, and Warner sat silently in the corner. He’d remained silent the entire trip home and, as frustrated and angry as Daryl was, he’d made an effort not to show it, knowing it would only encourage Warner’s smug silence.

And though it was driving him mad he took it as a good sign — a sign that he knew something.

And something was better than nothing, which is where he still currently stood.

“There’s lotsa ways to make people talk,” Rick said to the crew of five that sat before him at the long oak dining table in their makeshift city hall. “And not all of them need to involve violence.”

“I don’t want any use of violence,” Deanna said pointedly from her spot at the head of the table, arms crossed. Rick elected to have her there overseeing their meeting and give input on the thoughts and opinions, considering her position in the community. Her input mattered to him and his leadership mattered to her; he’d made it very clear he had only good intentions for the people of Alexandria... and they needed Rick’s guidance.

“That might be the only way to get him to talk,” Michonne argued.

But Deanna wouldn’t budge. “No — that is not what Alexandria is about.”

“Ya don’t get to choose what yer about anymore,” Daryl barked at her after having tried to keep his mouth shut in the matter. The whole process was infuriating him; his natural instincts were yelling at him to run outside of the gate and not stop until he found her. He paced back and forth in the hall, anxious and growing angrier with each passing minute.�� “Not in this world. Dude ain’t gonna just offer up what he knows just ‘cause we pinky-promise to let ‘em go free.”

“Daryl’s right,” Michonne agreed, staring intently at Deanna across the table. She was just as angry as anybody about the whole situation it seemed, leaning more towards Daryl in way of support, knowing confidently that Warner wouldn’t budge unless they made him. “People are selfish, now more than ever. If you want Alexandria to survive, you need to learn how to handle yourselves other ways besides sitting around a table to chit-chat with somebody who wants everything that you have and doesn’t give a damn if he has to kill you to take it.”

Deanna only frowned. “There are other ways to communicate with people without hurting them. We aren’t animals — we are civil!”

“Ya know what? Yer right.” Daryl’s voice had risen and he was spitting venom in his words, obviously fed up with her stubbornness and unwillingness to negotiate with them. “S’a big waste of time, Rick. Do you think we should bake ‘em a tray of cookies or somethin’ instead? That might help.”

“Daryl...”

“Nah, nah, she’s gotta point!” He stopped and slammed his empty chair into the table, rounding the group as they sat quietly in front of him. “Or maybe we can just hug it outta him.”

Deanna, who sat clearly unamused at Daryl’s sarcasm, followed him with her eyes as he begun his pacing, trying to suppress his growing fury.

“That is not what I meant. You’re being ridiculous.”

He whipped around and stepped toward her, eyes narrowed, arm swinging. “I’m bein’ ridiculous? Did ya even look at the son of a bitch? We have no idea what he’s capable of, and there’s lots more of ‘em! And say we do let ‘em go after he caves; you didn’t see those bastards lined up at the end of the street with their rifles n’ armor n’ shit, lady. They ain’t fuckin’ friendly, and the lil’ asshole is just gonna run back home, tell ‘em all about Alexandria and ‘what yer about’, n’ then they’ll be knockin’ on the door the next day and I’m pretty sure they ain’t gonna sit around holdin’ our hands n’ singin’ Kum By Yah, all worried about ‘bein’ civil’.”

Daryl was fuming and Rick straightened up, again finding himself anticipating the tantrum his friend was going throwing, regardless of how correct his points were. He watched as Daryl continued to walk briskly back and forth, a scowl on his face, noticeably trying to maintain a level head and utterly failing. “Ya think that someone who literally steals people gives a shit about your god damn morals? I’d bet he don’t!”

Rick stayed silent, having been persuaded by Daryl’s outburst, but was still looking at Deanna and waiting for her response knowing she couldn’t argue.

But still, she only sighed. “Daryl...”

“If y’all are just gonna sit at this table n’ pray for her, to hell with ya. I ain’t gonna wait around for him to spill his guts n’ if y’all don’t let me beat it outta him, then I’m gonna go find her my damn self.”

And with that, he stormed out of the room, slamming the heavy door loudly behind him.

yall know i loooveee me some angry Daryl :)

[islareeveswriting]

A/N So at long last it is back. I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’d rather be feeling good about it like I am now, rather than not sure like I was before and end up getting stuck again. Thank you all for being so lovely and understanding about the time I needed with this to get it where I wanted it, and I hope you all love what I’ve done with it and where it now ends up going. 

If you started reading before you might not noting the changes straight away but as we carry on you’ll be like ohhhhhh, they’re quite subtle and I’d probably read again if you’ve read these first few bits before.

If you’re new I hope you enjoy it and please hmu with asks and feedback because any writer will tell you we feed of that shit and it makes it all worth it. 

Enjoy I x

STORY PAGE

NEXT

Everything has a downside.

That wasn’t a notion that Molly liked to be familiar with, but she also supposed it was a fact of life from time to time. The thing was, or at least she found, that living and being best friends with Lauren Boss, didn’t seem to have a downside at all on first inspection. The downside was very hard to spot in amongst her thick, glossy, ebony hair, freckled nose and pretty personality to match. Lauren was a dream to live with, her and Molly matched perfectly, like they were cut from the same pattern, tidy, organised, clean. The only difference, their starkly different appearances and the fact Lauren could cook more than cheese on toast. On the outside, Lauren fitted Molly’s belief that actually not everything had a downside all.

But there, lingering behind the near perfect facade of well manicured nails and a colour coded planner, there was a crack. Molly was one of the few who knew it was there, but boy did Molly know it was there. The thing was, Lauren hated not getting her own way. Despised it really, the same way Molly despised ice cream melting over a chocolate brownie, or someone talking with their mouthful, or being lied to. However, even after living with Lauren for just over a year, it still surprised Molly just how dirty her best friend and housemate could fight to ensure she got her own way.

Yes, Lauren Boss was Molly’s best friend, but Molly was the first to remind her of what a spoiled little brat she could be at times.

“Come on Mol, you’re being so unreasonable, it’s a date!” Lauren all but screeched at Molly from across the kitchen. Lauren was stood in the doorway as Molly looked at her in disbelief, the twenty year old grown woman appearing more like a six year old, mid-temper tantrum.

“It’s an assignment.” Molly pointed out, sure she had the upper hand on this one. “If I don’t get to the library I won’t get this done.” Where Lauren’s voice wavered with the emotions associated with frustration, Molly kept her voice calm and monotonous, strictly business as she reasoned with her unreasonable friend. Jimmy caught Molly’s attention as a clatter of cutlery sounded behind her. Jimmy was the only other of their five housemates who had come from halls with Lauren and Molly and he was more than used to their bickering, even so, Molly could see how fed up he was with them as he threw cutlery from the draining board into the drawer.

“You’ve had the assignment since the beginning of term, it’s not my fault you’ve left it until the last minute.” Lauren retaliated. It wasn’t untrue, it was the first assignment Molly had been set after university started back up again for the year, but Molly didn’t think that was anywhere near the point.

“Oh, but I’ve got to suffer because you organised a date on the same morning you also scheduled the guy to come and fix the door.” Molly argued, her hand flailing off in the general direction of the broken back door, that, for some unfathomable reason, was completely unlockable. Lauren was huffing under her breath as Molly pulled the fridge open to retrieve the milk for the bowl of cereal waiting for her on the countertop. The bowl of cereal that Lauren had continued to get in the way of Molly devouring since she appeared from her room to tell Molly she had to wait in for the ‘door fixing guy’.

“Well if you weren’t all so lazy and incompetent-”

“Hey!” Jimmy chimed in, more offended by Lauren’s flippant comment than Molly was. It was hardly a false claim, and Jimmy nor Molly could really argue that point. Jimmy looked between the two girls with a crease between his brow as they looked back at him silently, waiting for him to challenge Lauren over her accusations. Clearly he thought better of it, closing his mouth backup and shrugging before wandering back out of the kitchen, Molly assumed to find the only pen he owned and the only thing he took to lectures. From experience, Molly knew he’d charm some paper off some damn fool in his lecture. Molly had nearly been that fool once, but she’d chosen to try and teach him a lesson instead, only she was the only one doing the teaching and Jimmy continued to get away with turning up at university with nothing more than a chewed Bic biro.

“I organised it yes,” Lauren started quietly, and Molly thought, probably foolishly, she was about to win against Lauren for the first time as she poured milk over her own-brand honey nut cornflakes. “So you can stay here and wait for him, whilst I go on my date.” Lauren bartered confidently. Molly groaned to herself, throwing her head back and silently admitting defeat. It seemed like she’d put herself up that creek without a paddle by being too lazy to message the landlord about the door and leaving Lauren to deal with it.

Molly had, had many arguments with Lauren and won a grand total of zero. Most of them hinged on the fact that at some point, Lauren had done something to help Molly out, often without Molly even realising. Lauren had a cunning way with words and a vastly quicker mind than Molly, the younger girl couldn’t even nearly compete. It always reminded Molly of arguing with her mother, or at the very least her older sister. Lauren could turn Molly’s words in a way that meant before Molly had even thought of something to say in response, Lauren was skipping away with the implied victory medal around her neck. Molly hated her for it.

“I’m off see ya!” Jimmy called from the hallway, though neither Lauren or Molly looked in his direction. They were both too busy staring each other out, both waiting for the other to fold, both knowing Lauren was far too stubborn to do that.

“Fine.” Molly conceded, easily worn down as always, her tendency to get bored quickly letting her down yet again, the cereal she’d prepared, undoubtedly soggy by now, far more important than continuing the battle with Lauren. Molly knew she’d lose no matter how long they carried it on for, so she may as well admit defeat and enjoy cornflakes the way they were intended to be enjoyed. “But you have to come straight back so I can get to the library at some point today,” Molly bargained, a bright smile already on Lauren’s face as she turned to lay down her requests. “And you have to get me one of those cheese straws.” Molly added for good measure.

“Already thought of it.” Lauren chirped as she all but skipped from the kitchen. Molly tried not to be bitter, but it was no good, she was bitter and then some. The plan for her day had already deviated from it’s rails and it was only ten am.

Molly took herself to the kitchen table, spooning soft cornflakes, bathed in lukewarm milk, into her mouth as she shuffled to the table. There was a glum look on her face, she resembled a petulant child and she knew it, but she didn’t care. If she was honest, staying in didn’t really even bother her that much, it was the principle of it all, the weight of losing out to Lauren’s argument and her way with words yet again heavy on Molly’s shoulders. At least that’s what she told herself. If she was honest, the real issue was that she’d promised herself she’d finish her essay in the library, and Molly knew the promise was broken as soon as the library was off the cards. The assignment was due in less than twenty four hours and Molly was yet to write more than a hundred and fifty words for it, deep down she was stressing, even if outwardly she appeared like just another tired university student who couldn’t justify spending money on branded cereal.

So yes, Lauren had a downside, and so did her day thanks to that. But Molly much preferred the idea that every cloud has a silver lining. That she could get on board with, so she decided to settle on the idea that this off-plan, start to the morning, was just her cloud waiting for a sparkle of silver. It will come. She told herself.

Two spoonfuls of cornflakes down, and Lauren graced Molly with her presence again. Molly watched her out of the corner of her eye, trying not to get even more bitter as Lauren unpacked her things from the large black bag she took into university, into a much smaller, pink, cross shoulder bag. Lauren looked as gorgeous as ever. It was ten am and Molly was watching her best friend look like she was ready to take on the world and win, as she, herself, sat at the kitchen table eating soggy cereal, bleary eyed, still wearing her pyjamas with a tangle of matted hair on her head. Molly did not feel she was not ready to take on the world and win, or even her flat mate for that matter.

“Don’t be mad Mol,” Lauren whined, snapping Molly from her hypnotised stare. Molly hadn’t even realised she’d been staring, though Lauren clearly had as she looked at Molly with sympathetic eyes. “I really like him.” Lauren insisted, bouncing her knees for emphasis as Molly swallowed another mouthful of her less than desirable cereal.

“I’m not mad.” Molly told her once her mouth was empty. “But you did say that about Marcus, and Dan,” Molly creased her brow as she began to think back on every single one of Lauren’s conquests. Molly knew, in detail, about every boy Lauren had been with, even the one night nothings that left the flat before anyone else could catch a glimpse of them, let alone their names. “In fact, who haven’t you said that about?” Molly asked a little sarcastically, a smug grin lifting one corner of her mouth.

“Ok, ok, I get it.” Lauren conceded with a sigh. “But this one is different, I can feel it in my bones.” Molly nearly snorted at that line, it was dramatic even for Lauren, resident drama queen of 36 A Liberator Place. “Oh come on Mol, don’t tell me you didn’t get butterflies when you first met Ryan?” Lauren went on, creeping closer and looking at Molly under thick, dark eyelashes, a knowing smile on her face. Molly simply huffed a laugh and shook her head.

“You’ve got no idea Loz.” Molly grumbled, looking back down at her bowl and stirring the remaining cereal around in the milk. Lauren lived in a fantasy world when it came to boys and relationships. As far as Lauren was concerned, she was going to get a moment, a guy, a relationship, fit for a romantic comedy. The ideas in Lauren’s head about meeting ‘the one’ were nothing short of a Richard Curtis script as far as Molly was concerned. Molly didn’t have the heart to tell her, it wasn’t always quite like that in real life. Molly was in love, madly in love, three years and counting, but the butterflies had long since faded. Though no one would ever know that was the case.

“Oh come on, he must make you giddy sometimes?” Lauren giggled nudging Molly’s shoulder with her hand as she leant down on the breakfast table. Molly glared at her out of the corner of her eye, raising one corner of her mouth in agreement simply to shut Lauren up, and to avoid admitting just how few times Ryan ever had made her ‘giddy’. “See, so let me have this one? Please.” Lauren begged, scrunching her eyes up tight, and wiggling her legs restlessly and excitedly. It was clear how excited Lauren was about this date, but Molly had seen it all before and she didn’t hold out much hope for the third year, full back on the American football team.

“Yes fine Loz,” Molly snapped, flicking her head in Lauren’s direction. “Just go please, I am actually trying to eat and you’re boring me now.” Molly told Lauren, genuinely a little fed up with Lauren’s going on, though Molly knew Lauren wouldn’t be able to see that. Lauren just chuckled and walked back to the bag on the kitchen counter. “And don’t forget my cheese twist.” Molly warned, calling after Lauren as she left the kitchen.

“I won’t.” Lauren promised, her voice cradling a sing-song tone. Molly sighed to herself, looking down at the dregs of cereal in the bowl, chipped at the edge where someone had dropped something on it at some point. The little golden flakes were barely holding their shape anymore and Molly felt completely dissatisfied with them as she continued to stir them in the milk, making a whirlpool in the centre of the bowl. The flat was empty, and in the back of her mind was the knowledge that Ben, another housemate who hadn’t yet made it home after student night, had been shopping the previous day. That only meant one thing. There was a packet of Pain Au Chocolates in Ben’s cupboard with Molly’s name on them.

Molly practically skipped from the dining room table back to the kitchen, abandoning her bowl on the side carelessly as she went, she’d be the one to wash it up so she’d at least decide when that would be and at that moment she was far more invested in what was waiting for her inside the cupboards. The packet was already open and adorned with a sticky note - ‘Hands off Molly’, in Ben’s scrawly handwriting. Molly chucked to herself and shook her head as she delved inside to retrieve one of the sweet treats. Molly didn’t have a sweet tooth, quite the opposite really, but she did have a soft spot, for the cheap, foreign branded, individually wrapped Pain Au Chocolates that Ben bought every week without fail. From the outside it looked rude, out of order that Molly took them without asking, on the inside, it was expected of her, it would be more rude if she didn’t. Ben loved Molly stealing them as much as Molly loved eating them, anything that gave him an excuse to barge into her room unannounced and reprimand her as a bad friend. It was the one and only time she’d allow him to get away with flirting with her.

The conditions for getting on with work were perfect, better than the library really. The house was quiet, practically silent in fact. The flat was in a nice, quiet part of town, Molly could barely even hear the world outside through the walls. The only, very distant, sound, was that of a few birds chirping, enjoying the last of the summer weather that was shining brightly through the windows and warming the house simultaneously. The dilemma Molly had was she often found those conditions were also perfect for doing not a lot, especially with her second breakfast half eaten and the sofa looking like the cosiest thing she’d ever seen, drowning in sunlight.

Molly slid back through the kitchen in her bare feet, skating along the wooden floor, content with her filled belly. She snuggled into the sofa without a qualm and swaddled herself in blankets that had been brought out from various people’s rooms but not returned. Molly was at peace with doing nothing, her morning plans had gone off kilter so she decided she may as well go all the way with that. She promised herself just an hour of Friends on Netflix then she’d go and retrieve her laptop and get on with the essay.

The living room was Molly’s favourite room in the house. She liked her bedroom of course, it was her space, and she made it feel at home, but it wasn’t the biggest room in the house and with all her stuff felt a little cluttered and messy. Molly kept it as tidy as she possibly could, but even that wasn’t good enough by her standards. The living room on the other hand, was clean, fresh and Molly enjoyed spending her time in it. If there was an upside to being home alone, it was having the room to herself. Maybe that’s my silver lining. Molly thought with a smile on her face as she snuggled in further.

As student flats  go, Molly and her rabble of friends had scored pretty well. Somehow or another, between the five of them, they’d found a diamond in the rough, and Molly definitely felt pretty lucky to call it her second home. Of course it was a bit rough around the edges in places, and they probably should have hoovered more often than they did, but it was a student let afterall. They’d even won with the neighbours, who didn’t raise a single qualm when they’d decided to host a pretty rowdy start of year party. Not a single one of the tenants of 36A Liberator Place had a complaint.

Apart from the broken back door. That was a bit of an issue. It even kept Molly awake from time to time and she wasn’t the sort of person to worry about people breaking in, so god knows what it was doing to Natalie who was renowned for not being able to sleep until every window and door was locked. Molly had no idea how Natalie was coping.

The door had been broken when they all moved in, of course they didn’t realise at first, they’d all assumed the landlord had just left it unlocked when Ben let himself out to check out the garden again without having to twist the key. It was when they went to lock it at the end of the night, and they simply couldn’t, that they realised there was something amiss. Every single one of them tried to do something about it, they pulled, pushed, lifted, twisted, even shook it around a bit, but nothing made a single ounce of difference. All five of them made a promise to call the landlord about it, but of course it was Lauren who eventually did call the landlord.

So there Molly was, waiting for ‘a man’ to turn up to fix the dysfunctional back door.

Somehow or another, Molly wasn’t entirely sure how, the promised hour of Friends, turned into six episodes. Molly was just about to make her seventh promise of ‘Just one more, I’ll get up after this one’ when the sound of her phone cut her short, pulling her away from the promise and back into the room. The sound was muffled, presumably from cushions and blankets. Molly groaned as she was forced to get up from her nest to find it, pushing cushions out of the way and kicking the blanket off her legs in the process.

Molly was nearly mad at her phone for disturbing her peace when she finally found it between the two cushions of the sofa. She didn’t hunt too hard for it down there, the furniture had come with the place and considering the landlord hadn’t even noticed a broken back door, Molly doubted he was too concerned with the contents of the crack between the sofa cushions. Molly’s frustration quickly ebbed as the theme tune to Friends became background noise and Ryan’s face stared back at her from his contact photo on the screen of her phone.

“Hiya.” Molly called down the line, falling back onto the sofa with a soft contentment that made her limbs lazy and her body feel light. She stared up at the ceiling, bending her knees to face it too, unable to help the corners of her mouth lifting.

“Hey babe, how are you?” Ryan grumbled back, his voice hoarse and croaky, Molly guessed, but really she knew, from too much alcohol the previous evening. Molly wasn’t sure when they’d stopped letting each other know if they were going out for the night, she wasn’t sure she minded, but then she wasn’t sure she didn’t either. It made her feel possessive that it wormed under her skin a little, so she never raised the point, refusing to admit she might be that possessive girlfriend she swore she’d never become when Ryan and her went their separate ways for university.

“I’m fine.” Molly told him, the smile still on her face in spite of the other feelings sinking inside her. She was getting good at that, so good she didn’t even realise she was doing it herself anymore. “You however-”

“Am hungover, yes can we move on please?” Ryan snapped and the smile didn’t linger for even a second with that, it fell instantly, as soon as his tone of voice became clear. If Molly was honest with herself, she knew it was out of character for Ryan to snap so easily, but he’d been doing it more and more. Things were changing, but Molly felt like she was falling from a great height everytime she was forced to see how obvious that was. Molly had been putting it down to the stress of the amplified workload that came hand in hand with an architecture degree, and she did the same again.

“Ok, sorry.” She mumbled back. Half of her expected an apology in return, half of her knew at one point she’d have called Ryan out for talking to her like that, but all of her got neither, only a muffled humph and an increase in that sinking feeling. “So was it a good night?” Molly asked, the silence too much to bare.

“Think so, can’t really remember.” Ryan told her, sounding distracted, again she knew it was from his hangover. His mind would be on the chocolate milkshake and fried egg sandwich he was undoubtedly craving. Molly almost wished he’d not bothered calling until his post-night out needs had been met, but instead of worrying about that too much she focused on the fact he’d thought of her when he woke up. “What are you up to today?” He asked, the glimmer of a sigh in the background of his voice.

“Right now? Watching Friends.”

“Haven’t you got an essay to do?” Ryan asked. It didn’t sound like he was interested in her essay at all, it didn’t even sound like he actually cared, and anyone listening in would think that he didn’t. However, for Molly it was just another thing to blame the hangover for.

“Yeah I’ll get to it later.” Molly promised, more to herself than to Ryan. The line went silent, if it wasn’t for the slight buzz and crackle every so often, Molly would have thought Ryan had hung up. He didn’t say anything, and Molly was wracking her brain for conversation. She was sure it shouldn’t have been that hard, something at the back of her mind told her it shouldn’t, but he was tired, still a little out of it so chat wasn’t flowing for him, and somehow that made it ok. “Are you going into uni today?”

“I dunno at the-” The sound of the doorbell cut Molly’s concentration from what Ryan was saying. She never found out what his plans were for the day, but she assumed it would be a day of recovering from his hangover and an evening in the studio.

“Sorry Ry, I’m gonna have to go there’s someone at the door.” Molly told him, though he’d already finished talking so it made no odds to Ryan. Molly hadn’t told Ryan about the broken door, and she wasn’t about to tell him who was at the front door either, she could hear the lecture about taking more responsibility in her head without him actually saying it, and the conversation was close enough to sour as it was for Molly. “I’ll call you later?”

“Sure, have a good day, love you.” Ryan cooed back sleepily, and that bought the smile back to Molly’s face.

“You too.” That was all she needed. She could get over everything else as long as he still loved her, and still told her he did. It was like plaster over crack in the wall, it hid the crack perfectly, made it a lot harder to spot, only she knew it was there, but that was fine.

Molly wandered from the kitchen to the front door, pulling at her pyjama top and twisting the shorts back around so they were straight on her hips, combing her fingers through her hair  to straighten it out a little. The conversation with Ryan sifted from her mind as she became focused on trying to make herself appear a little more put together than the lazy, student look she currently had going on. With a sigh she gave up and reached for the latch, pulling the door open, or trying to.

“Fucking mat.” Molly cursed quietly under her breath, kicking the ratty straw doormat out of the way. It always got stuck, and no one used it, she wasn’t sure why it was there apart from to be a nuisance. A deep, throaty chuckle grabbed her though and pulled her from the annoyance at the mat. Molly was sure she felt her breath hitch in her throat as she took in the man waiting at her front door. She wasn’t sure who or what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t a young, tall, toned, sun kissed man smiling prettily down at her. “Hi.” Molly just about breathed, attempting to clear her throat at the same time, consequently choking on her word.

“Hi,” The man chuckled again, one eyebrow raising at Molly, as he took her and her ratty pyjama shorts and oversized t-shirt in. Fuck sake Molly. She berated in her head, sure her cheeks were flushing at nothing but the sight of him and the sound of his gravelly voice filling her head. This sort of thing didn’t happen to Molly, she didn’t get flustered by boys or men, or whatever the chiseled model-esque thing at her door was. But there she was, struggling to find words, or even breathe really. “I’m here to fix the back door.” The man started, Molly still in her stupor and apparently far from out of it. The words filtered in, but Molly found herself lost in the dimple in his cheek as he smiled politely, and the sparkle of his eyes that went with it. “Wrong house?” He winced and Molly wished that was the reason she was staring at him like she’d just arrived from Mars and he was her first encounter with human life.

“No, no, sorry.” Molly bumbled with a dramatic shake of her head as she stepped aside to let him into the house. “Sorry, I’m a bit under the weather,” Molly started hearing the lie before she really even knew she was saying it. “Heads a bit cloudy.” She finished supposing it also explained why she still looked such a state at lunchtime. It wasn’t a total lie either, her head did feel a bit foggy, light all of a sudden. She guessed she’d just gotten up a bit too quickly, because it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact she hadn’t had her breath taken away by a member of the opposite sex for a while.

“Oh that’s no good.” The man chuckled stepping into the flat. “I’ll have to keep my distance.” Molly smiled as she shut the door behind him. “Unless it’s not catching, in which case, I suppose we don’t have to worry.” Molly nearly froze. It sounded a lot like he was flirting, Molly hadn’t flirted in a long time, not on purpose at least, but Molly felt very certain this young man was very used to girls being flustered in his presence and going on to flirt with them until their cheeks were the colour of raspberries.

“Doors this way.” Molly deadpanned, not giving into his charm, and walking past him without looking up, towards the kitchen and the back door. She thought she heard a chuckle, under his breath and hardly there at all, but she didn’t let herself even flinch at it. “Here.” Molly announced, still no emotion in her voice. Molly nodded at the white plastic door that was drastically out of keeping with the old features through the rest of the house - high ceilings, beautifully carved architraves and cornices and the grandiose fireplace in the living room.  

“Ok thanks.” He smiled, stepping ahead of Molly to the door. Molly watched from behind and leaned back on the kitchen counter as she did so, taking him in. He tampered with the door a little, and the way Molly’s morning was going, she wouldn’t have been surprised if he turned the key and it locked first time for him. She was sure she looked enough of an idiot already, so what odds would it make. Thankfully it didn’t, and he rubbed his chin for a second as he inspected the door and its lock. “Ok I’ll grab some tools.” He announced finally, hardly meeting Molly’s eye for a second as he waltzed back past her, leaving a musky, woody scent in his wake.

Molly had no idea what the correct procedure was for a situation such as the one she found herself in. Was she meant to stand and wait for him, hang around while he worked, or slink off to her bedroom and become borderline invisible all the time he was there? All she was sure of that curling back up the couch, under the holey pink blanket, was not the correct thing to do.

Tea. Molly lightbulbed, tea was always a good idea. She’d seen her mum make tea for the workmen hundreds of time when they were having the extension done. Molly quickly turned, chasing him out of the room.

“Oh erm…” Molly trailed off, at a loss for what to call him. Why no one had briefed her on the etiquette for this she didn’t know, but she was cursing someone internally for it.

“Harry.” He told her freely, stopping at the door, open in his hand and looking over his shoulder at Molly. She smiled gratefully, seemingly he could read her mind and was more than happy to help her on her way.

“Harry,” Molly started, smiling as his name rolled off her tongue like she’d always known it, “Did you want a cup of tea?” She offered sweetly, Harry nodded, a smile that could have melted Molly lifting the corners of his mouth and making that dimple reappear again.

“Please,” Harry answered, “milk and one ta.” Molly nodded and turned back to the kitchen, listening for Harry to leave before she let out the breath she didn’t realise she was holding. The kettle was still half full from the morning round of tea so Molly simply clicked it back on and popped tea bags in two mugs, leaving the sugar for the time being, before deciding to take the opportunity to put some proper clothes on. For a second she stopped herself, not sure if would be more weird to get changed after he’d already seen her in her pajamas. Did it look like she was getting dressed for him? Would it invite more of the flirty comments that she was telling herself she didn’t want? Molly shook her head, it didn’t matter, she had to get dressed eventually anyway.

As was standard, Molly’s room was absolutely immaculate. She’d always been a tidy person, her mum had never had to beg her or bribe her to tidy her bedroom, unlike her sister who was rewarded with extra pocket money, or the threat of none at all if she didn’t sort her room out. Molly quite simply liked to know where everything was, everything had its place and she knew all those places like the back of her hand.

It was why it frustrated her so much that the rail in her wardrobe had snapped two weeks into living there. It wasn’t ideal for someone who hated mess and clutter to have her clothes folded across her bedroom floor, and Molly found herself going to work in the library more often, or finding more things to do in the studio, just to avoid looking at it all. Molly had never disliked her bedroom, but she was growing to become apathetic to her new one.

Molly just grabbed the long sleeved top that was first on the pile and the pair of jeans she’d worn the day before, she couldn’t be bothered to think about her clothes and there were two mugs of tea waiting to be made in the kitchen. With her laptop under one arm and a collection of books under the other, Molly padded back to the kitchen barefoot, supposing that it was high time she got on with her university work now she could no longer sloth on the couch with the Friends for company.

The back door was open when Molly stepped back into the kitchen, the cool breeze drifting in through it. Harry was on his knees, screwdriver in hand taking pieces apart one by one. He looked up to Molly from where he was knelt. She offered him a quick glance and flicker of a smile as she piled her things onto the kitchen table.  

“You had a good go at locking this huh?” Harry chuckled, and Molly could feel her cheeks beginning to flush again with it.

“Well not me personally, no.” Molly argued bitterly, heaving a large text book onto the table.

“Are you sure? You look pretty strong.” Harry laughed again as Molly grunted with the exertion from carrying the book. It dropped onto the table with a bang and Molly rubbed her arms from the ache it bought on. It was fair to say Molly was not the strongest, not by a long way, she knew that, but she still didn’t appreciate his cheek-laden comment. She shot him a look out of the corner of her eye, but it didn’t have the desired effect, Harry simply snickered at her and turned back to what he was doing.

“Nah the landlord is just an arsehole and let us move in with a destroyed backdoor.” Molly mumbled, her feelings towards their new landlord not exactly a well kept secret. Molly heard Harry chuckle, but she was focused on making sure none of her things were about to fall off the table as she placed them down tidily.

“I’m going to put a new one in.”

“Door?” Molly quizzed, a little shocked, looking up at Harry with a creased forehead. .

“Lock.” Harry corrected with an amused smirk. Molly nodded, looking down at her books praying for the embarrassment not to show through her already rosy cheeks. Molly didn’t care what he did, he could knock the wall out and rebuild it as far as she was concerned, as long as the door locked by the time he left, she’d be happy.

“So tea.” Molly chirped, stepping towards the kettle and hoping he’d instantly forget about the fool she’d made of herself, even though she was sure she’d be playing it over and over in her head and cringing everytime.

“Oh yeah, the kettle boiled while you were…” Harry trailed off, waving his screwdriver up and down Molly, his eyes following. “Getting dressed?” He guessed. Molly narrowed her eyes at him, clearly she’d been getting dressed, she had clothes on, proper clothes, rather than something fit for the cast of Annie, she wasn’t sure why he was so unsure about what she’d been doing. “Anyway, I filled the cups up.” It was only as he shook his head and tumbled over his words, that Molly realised he was also flustered. Suddenly she got why he seemed to enjoy having that effect on her. Molly certainly got a kick out of it for a second or two.

“Oh thanks, sorry.” Molly bumbled, the satisfying feeling fleeting as quickly as it arrived.

“You don’t have to apologise.” Harry chuckled lightly, in that polite, endeared way people did when someone apologized too much. Molly was used to that, she heard that sort of chuckle a lot, or she got told off for apologising too often, one or the other. Molly could feel Harry still looking at her, as she stared into the mugs of tea as if it was a strange commodity to her, someone who drunk roughly eight cups a day. “You ok?” Molly heard Harry ask, a tinge of concern in his voice. Molly shook her head and stepped back, looking down to where Harry was knelt. The tone of his voice resonated onto his face, a crease between his brows as they knotted together. Molly had to fight the urge to sigh at how pretty he looked.

“Yeah sorry, just not a hundred percent with it.” Molly smiled, going for the feeling under the weather thing again. It was the only rational explanation for the way she was acting, and feeling, and Harry had bought it last time she’d sold it.

“Do you want me to…?” Harry offered, standing as he did so and taking one large step closer to her. Molly swallowed as he got closer to her than she’d anticipated. There was something about him, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but he owned the space like it was his right to be so commanding of her, but he seemed oblivious to how infectious she was finding him. Molly didn’t get flustered, boys didn’t fluster Molly, even Ryan had never made her feel weak at the knees or gushy, but there she was barely able to think as a strange man offered to make her tea in her own home. If she’d have thought about it too much she’d have had to pinch herself for how ridiculous it was, but as it was she just shook her head and pulled the fridge open to grab the milk.

“Don’t be silly.” Molly laughed. “You don’t come to a customers house to make your own tea.” She added, at least she assumed not, but based on her ignorance to this new situation she found herself in, she couldn’t be one hundred percent sure.

“You’d be surprised love.” Molly’s spine tickled and straightened with that, and the way his voice sounded more like honey spread over burnt toast with every word that dripped from his mouth. “See some weird stuff sometimes.” Molly just chuckled distractedly, she was still running over how he’d just called her ‘love’ so casually. Molly had never been called love, she was almost certain, but definitely not by a stranger. In his voice, amongst the gravelly tone and slow annunciation that felt a little like a lullaby, Molly could hear a tickle of a northern accent, it was hardly there at all, but she blamed the pet name on it nonetheless. Just a word, like any other, that held very little meaning wherever that glimmer of an accent came from.

Molly finished the mugs of tea, straining the tea bags until they looked like pebbles that had never seen the sea, and topping them up with milk. She handed Harry the yellow mug she’d set aside for him, and lifting her own mug, patterned with flamingos, to her lips.

“That’s got-” Before Harry could even finish his warning Molly squealed through closed lips around a mouthful of sweet tea and lifted her hand to her mouth incase she spat it out, the syruppy taste too much to bare.  Molly forced it down her throat, wincing as it travelled, leaving the worst of the sweet tastes behind on her taste buds.

“That is disgusting.” Molly informed Harry, shoving the mug towards him and deciding not to raise how offended she was that he thought he was more worthy of the pretty pink mug than she was. Harry just laughed, a laugh that would have made his belly shake, had his abdomen not been so obviously tight. Instead Molly just saw the muscles twitch a little through his black t-shirt as they swapped mugs.

“Sorry love, I did try to warn you.” Molly just rolled her eyes, ignoring the amused smile that remained on his face and trying not to get stuck on the love thing again. “So no sugar in the tea I’ll have to remember that.” Harry mumbled as he turned back to his door, the smile still unfaltering.

“Why on earth would you need to do that?” Molly scorned. Again it sounded like he was flirting, admittedly terribly, but even so it felt like she should turn her nose up at it rather that notice how it made her tingle.

“Just in case, never know when that sort of information might be needed.” Harry told her, like it was obvious, like it was just something he did. Molly was completely unsure about him and his borderline suggestive comments. It only increased when a smirk lifted one corner of Harry’s mouth as Molly looked at him through eyes that had narrowed instinctively. It was half smug, half playful, and half something else that Molly couldn’t place. Molly shook her head a little, like she was talking to herself in her head, and turned back to the table, ready to work.

When Molly sat down Harry was already back working on the door, on his knees and pulling the lock apart. One of his arms was raised, the sleeve of his t-shirt tight around his bicep and lifting a little to reveal even more ink than what she’d already noticed on his forearm. The muscles of his shoulders pulled the fabric tight across his back making him appear even broader than Molly had already accounted for.  Surprise after surprise, but not so shocking as the way Molly couldn’t take her eyes off him as she hung her pen from her mouth.

“So you’re just gonna sit there and stare at me and not tell me your name?” Molly could hear the smirk in his voice as he spoke, she didn’t need to see his face to know it was there, in the same way he seemed not to need to see her staring to know that she was.

“I’m not staring.” Molly retaliated sharply, quickly dropping her head to her laptop screen should he turn and catch her in the act, tapping her pen against the table rather than holding it in between her teeth.

“Oh, a staring, nameless, liar, interesting.” Again that smirk-full tone, that had Molly biting her tongue. Harry started up his drill, cutting through the silence that followed. Molly glanced over at him, raising only her eyes in his direction. All she could see was the back of his head, his dark hair tied in a bun, a few loose stands curling around the nape of his neck, even so she could have sworn she could tell he had that smug look on his face again.

“It’s Molly.” She called over the sound in retaliation to the look she saw in her mind, plastered all over his face. Harry didn't seem to hear, but Molly wasn’t entirely surprised, she could barely hear her thoughts over the racketing sound of the drill. She shook her head and sighed, looking back at her laptop, the document already open, the same as it had been when she’d slammed the screen shut in frustration the night before.

The thing was, Molly enjoyed university, all of it. Of course the social side was great, and the independence of living away from home was exciting and fun, but Molly loved studying and she adored her course. Molly felt like she’d won the lottery when it came to university, she enjoyed going to lectures and seminars, she enjoyed writing essays, and she loved walking into the studio and feeling like she was a designer already even though she was only in second year. Everyone said she only enjoyed it so much because she was good at fashion design, but Molly always wondered if it wasn’t that she was good at it because she enjoyed it.

However, by extension, Molly found because of that, that when she found something hard to get through, an essay, a project, a final piece, she found it very frustrating. Of course she was aware that it was normal that not everything came easily and naturally, and every student had a bit of a block every now and again. Molly was used to it just flowing from her fingers, and when it didn’t happen like that she always put it off until she couldn’t put it off any longer. Which was exactly what had happened with her essay comparing and evaluating the effectiveness of different types of fashion media and how social media was affecting traditional fashion journalism.

Molly had all the information she could need. In typical Molly form, she had pages of notes from her lecture, she had every textbook and journal she could wish for, but still her mind was blank of anything that made sense. There was nothing, not even a spark of inspiration,and the frustration was growing. It made her doubt herself and her abilities, it made her wonder if she’d made the right choice of course, university, everything. One essay, and she was questioning the one thing she’d been sure of since she was fourteen. She was born to work in fashion design.

“Ugh.” Molly growled at her laptop, pushing it across the table, at a loss and beyond annoyed with her empty head.

“What’s up?” Harry asked as Molly held her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead with her fingers, irritated with her mind. She raised her eyes to him, looking at Harry through her lashes as he looked back over to her, his hand still clutching his drill, but limply by his side now.

“Just uni stuff.” Molly grumbled, lifting her head up and resting it in the heels of her hands. Her bottom lip stuck out, her eyes back on the screen reading over the meagre beginning of her essay. She didn’t even like the two paragraphs she’d written, she wanted to delete them but that felt counter productive. At least there was something on the page with them there.

“What do you study?” Harry asked, cocking an eyebrow curiously. Molly had known him all of forty five minutes, but it seemed like he actually wanted to know, like he was actually interested in what Molly did at university, and not like he was just asking to make conversation and fill silence. Molly couldn’t place how that made her feel, but it was different.

“Fashion and textile design.” Molly mumbled, her voice muffled from where her hands held her chin tight. She looked to him again, and it didn’t seem like his eyes had left her for a second, they were fixed, finding her eyes in the same way they did before she looked away. It felt oddly nice to be making conversation with a stranger, tiptoeing around the edges of getting to know someone, Molly quite liked it, she couldn’t help herself.

“Oh nice, you like fashion then.” Harry beamed. Molly laughed and nodded.

“Not that you can tell.” Molly smirked motioning towards her thrown together, lazy outfit.

“What? You look great.” Harry enthused and Molly had to look away, lest he see the blush rising on her cheeks from his compliment. “Takes a certain sort of person to make jeans and a t-shirt look like something from Vogue.” Molly laughed loudly at that, shaking her head and looking at Harry again. He was giggling too, a soft daft smile on his lips. Molly wanted to say thank you, but she was too busy laughing, Harry doing the same, the words couldn’t form through the bubbles of laughter rising up in her. Her eyes were beginning to water and she was beginning to get breathless. Harry was creased over by the door, their laughter feeding one anothers, impossible to stop.

“I’m home.” Lauren’s voice called through the flat. Molly caught her breath as her footsteps followed, getting closer to the kitchen. She wiped her eyes free of the tears and closed her laptop, piling the books on top.

“About time.” Molly called back. Harry seemed to take the hint and got back to what he was meant to be doing though he didn’t seem to wipe the smile away as easily as Molly had done.  

“You know I really fucking hate boys, they’re so-” Lauren’s spiel quickly ceased when she stepped into the kitchen, eyes falling on Harry crouched in the corner, screwdriver in hand, lock in his lap. Harry offered Lauren that same friendly smile he’d offered Molly when she’d opened the door for him, something panged inside her, and it didn’t feel as nice as the feeling when he’d smiled at her.

“You were saying?” Molly pushed, one eyebrow raised at Lauren, her lips folding in tightly as she stared at her sourly, Lauren seemingly unable to take her eyes off the stranger in their home. Or at least a stranger to Lauren, Molly reminded herself.

“Nothing.” Lauren chirped, stepping further into the room, her head half moving towards Molly, but not actually looking in her direction. Lauren’s distracted attention buzzed up Molly’s spine like a hot jolt of electricity that made her nostrils flare. “Hi I’m Lauren.” She smiled brightly, extending her hand to Harry who took it with a grin. And there it was, the look of awe all over his face, the one Molly would have envied her for had she not been so happily taken. Lauren had an aura about her, Molly didn’t know what it was because she wasn’t her type so to speak, but it never failed. It rendered those that did take interest speechless, dumbfounded, you could virtually see the fog fall over them as she graced them with her presence. Molly only knew one boy she hadn’t had that effect on, and he was all hers. As if she needed any more confirmation she’d scored a good one. Even so the way Harry looked at Lauren made Molly huff under her breath and re-focus on her books, chewing her cheek as she stacked them up.

“Harry.” Harry grinned back, showing off those perfect pearly whites and striking smile. Lauren nodded, stepping back from him, though his eyes were glued to her. Molly couldn’t help it, and she lifted her eyes back to the pair, not concentrating on what she was doing at all, too engrossed in every detail of the interaction between Harry and Lauren. Harry stood up, rising to Lauren’s level, a fair amount taller than her thanks to his long legs and her petite frame. His eyes flicked to Molly, and she felt like she was under a hundred spotlights, all of a sudden.

“I just need to get some more tools.” He told Molly, well he told them both, but he looked straight at Molly and it was as if they were the only people in the room as he did so. Molly just nodded, bewildered, as he wandered back out of the kitchen towards the front door. Lauren looked like she’d just met Marlon Brando or someone of equal stature, as she twisted her head to Molly with starstruck wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Molly didn’t care for it, forgetting how tongue tied she’d been when she’d opened the door to Harry.

“Did you get my cheese twist?” Molly asked, hoping for something carby and delicious to snack on as she walked to the library. The savoury treat was far more important to Molly than Lauren’s obvious interest in Harry. Molly couldn’t blame Lauren, he was definitely interesting, for want of a better word. And though she didn’t care for Lauren’s intrigue in Harry, the way Harry had looked at Lauren was replaying in Molly’s mind and leaving undesirable, bitter taste in her mouth.

“No they didn’t have any sorry.” Lauren sighed, watching after Harry for a second before she walked closer to the table where Molly was packing her bag that had made home on the kitchen floor the previous afternoon after an unsuccessful library session. Today would be different, she was sure.

“You’re absolutely good for nothing.” Molly hissed, lifting her bag up so that everything dropped into place inside.

“Apart from organizing cute workmen to keep you company for the morning.” Lauren snarked with a wink, sauntering closer to Molly still, her earlier date clearly forgotten.

“Ugh, Lauren honestly, I have a boyfriend.” Molly reminded her, Lauren, with all the eye contact she could manage and folding her arms across her body.

“Well judging by your face when he told you he was going to get more tools, having a boyfriend doesn’t stop you going weak at the knees for god like men.” Lauren jested, hanging her tongue from her canine tooth and smiling impishly at Molly. Molly just rolled her eyes and walked past Lauren towards the kitchen door, refusing to admit outwardly the effect Harry had, was having, on her, even if inwardly she was spinning. Molly knew deep down there was nothing wrong with finding another man attractive, Ryan probably looked at girls and thought they were good looking all the time, but it felt like saying it outloud just pointed out that crack that the ‘I love you’s’ plastered over so nicely.  

“I’m going to the library.” Molly announced as she walked through the doorway.

“Fine, bore off.” Lauren groaned behind her. Molly heard her pull out a chair to take a seat at the table, probably so she could sit and watch Harry work, Molly realised not much differently to how she herself had been doing. “Thanks for leaving me alone with this beaut, wanker.”

Molly chuckled as she slid her feet into the checked, black and white vans that she’d owned for years and she swore were the comfiest shoes in existence, if a little tatty, potentially unhygienic and probably in need of replacing. She chucked her bag on her shoulder and grabbed a jacket from one of the hooks, a denim one, potentially hers, potentially Jimmy’s it didn’t matter, he’d gone out in her skinny jeans the previous night, before she turned to open the door.

Molly nearly jumped out of her skin, Harry a box in one hand, the other raised, poised to ring the doorbell, waiting on the other side.

“Sorry love, didn’t mean to make you jump.” Harry offered, dropping his raised hand, with a slightly amused smile that only just made his lips curve. Molly just shook her head, silently telling him not to worry. “You off?” He asked, as Molly moved aside to let him in. He circled around her, his never leaving her for even a second as he orbited her.

“Yeah gonna go work in the library.” Molly told him, adjusting her bag on her shoulder and stepping outside.

“Sorry, is my noise annoying you” Molly shook her head to his question, far from annoyed by his noise but banking on finding some inspiration in the university library, and being able to pick up a cheese twist from the cafe that definitely hadn’t sold out. Lauren couldn’t lie to save her life, she’d forgotten, as usual.

“No not at all, just need more books and stuff.” Molly explained with a reassuring smile, that she didn’t know if he actually found reassuring at all or not.

“Oh right fair enough.” Harry smiled and nodded, lingering purposefully as Molly stood on the doorstep of her house, once again at a loss for the right procedure. “Well see you around.” Harry finished, Molly nodded, sure that wouldn’t be the case. She’d never see that man again, and she knew that didn’t matter, it didn’t affect her life in anyway shape or form, if she saw him again or not.

“Bye.” Molly smiled politely, turning on the step and pulling the door with her.

“Oh, Lolly,” Molly froze. Is he talking to me? Molly looked over her shoulder, he was still hovering, he was talking to her and he was also a little fidgety it seemed. It looked like he was running something over in his mind and Molly waited patiently for whatever it was. His shoulders dropped and she saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed on nothing. “Thanks for the tea.” He settled on, grinning as he did so, cheek dimpling and teeth on show. Molly chuckled and nodded before finally stepping down off the step and closing the door behind her, though she couldn’t help the feeling like she was leaving something behind, even though she knew she had everything she needed for her essay in her bag.

Molly hadn’t even made it to the bus stop at the end of the road when her phone vibrated in the back pocket of her jeans. Loz.

Why does he think your name is Lolly? Cute nick name

I don’t know, must have misheard me

You didn’t think to correct him

Why? I’m never going to see him again

                                                .             .             .

So what did you think? Let me know! 

[darth-dre]

Ransom

Warnings: Mad Kylo. Angry Kylo. Killer Kylo. Fluffy Kylo... and some violence towards the reader.

Word Count: 2278

A/N: Requested by Anon: 

I have another idea what if the reader is Kylo's wife who he takes out one day but she gets kidnapped, not by the Rebellion but rather by random people who want ransom money to give her back, sending videos of them harming her as proof and etc the whole cheesy kidnapping game and he goes on a mad hunt to find her and rescues her? 

Enjoy guys! At least; I hope you do! <3

Reader

“Why are you staring at me?” Y/N asked Kylo, as she handed a cake to a small child.

“Because,” he simply stated, smirking.

Y/N blushed and felt shy again, like she did when they first met. They’ve been married for a few years now, and he still had that effect on her.

Kylo stared at her as she kneeled down to speak to the children, handing them sweets and toys. This was what he loved about her; her open heart.

And although he tried to keep his feelings secret, everyone knew it.

“Sir,” a stormtrooper approached him, “General Hux wishes to speak with you.”

He nodded and turned to Y/N, “I’ll be fine, Kylo, go on.”

Kylo hesitated, not wanting to leave her alone, but she insisted, and he turned to the two troopers behind them, speaking softly so only they could her, “Guard her with your life. If anybody tries to harm her, shoot them down.”

The troopers nodded, and he turned back to Y/N, “I’ll be back soon.”

She planted a soft kiss on his lips. He smiled at her, and she turned her attention back to the children. Kylo walked off, still hesitant, and still wanting to bring her with him.

It was when he was gone, and out of range, that they moved in on her.

It was quick, it was sudden; they stunned the troopers, and Y/N was confused when the children ran off, screaming. As she was about to turn, she felt a strong hand pull her back.

She gasped, “What—”

And then a cloth was pressed harshly against her face; the smell was disgusting and she tried not to breathe it in, but within seconds of the cloth coming into contact with her skin, she felt dizzy. She felt tired. And she tried to yell, her voice was not working, though, and she felt herself being lifted up off her feet, and being carried away… away from Kylo, away from everything.

Kylo

Kylo lit his saber, smacking the computers in front of him. His temper was off the rails right now, he was on edge, and he was feeling rather vengeful. He got the news about Y/N’s abduction shortly after he reached the ship. And in his anger, he ran back towards the lower district of the city, hoping to catch the culprits.

But they were long gone, and if the children hadn’t seen him kissing Y/N, they wouldn’t have explained what happened to her.

“They were big,” was all the children said about the men that took her. He sighed in frustration, children are the worst witnesses.

He tried to calm himself, remembering how Y/N would calm him, deep breaths, deep breaths.

After destroying a variety of the technology in front of him, he shut off his lightsaber and he slowly turned to Phasma, who stood in her place, unfazed by her commander’s tantrum. He pushed his hair back out of his face, straightening himself up, “You said you got the security footage?”

“I reviewed it myself, sir,” she answered, “It looked like they had her routine down; the market district, then the lower districts to deliver her daily charity.”

Kylo smiled to himself, as much as you were his other half, your heart was kind, his was full of turmoil. It was one of the things that drew him to you in the first place.

“Did you find out who it was?”

“A small raider gang that was formed on Jakku, however, they don’t stay on one planet for too long.”

Kylo snarled, softly, “Of course not.”

“Sir, you should know, her kidnappers, they made contact,” Phasma informed.

“When?”

“Shortly after you boarded; I should warn you though, the way they made contact—it’s not pleasant, and you would not like it,” she said, a little softly.

“Show me,” he ordered, his voice low, almost desperate.

“As you wish,” Phasma quickly brought up the video on her holo.

Kylo turned to look at it and he held his breath at the sight in front of him; his rage spilled over when he saw a masked man punching Y/N in the face, the person making the video zoomed in on her face, bloody and swollen.

He clenched his fist as he heard the voice of the man that was beating his wife, “This is for the infamous Kylo Ren; we have your wife. If you want her back, alive, and in one piece, you will pay the ransom we ask for. Once we receive the amount required, we will drop her off at the nearest city, on the nearest planet and be on our way. If it is not paid in the next solar day, we will cut and send you a body part, and the ransom will rise.”

Kylo could sense Phasma eyeing him, but he stared at the holo, the man walked forward, adding one last thing, “I suggest you make it fast, Master Knight of Ren, she really is a pretty girl, and I would hate to have to cut her up to make a point to you.”

The holo cut off and Kylo, trying to contain his anger, asked Phasma, “Were you able to track it?”

“I have the First Order’s finest working on it; I took the liberty of making it top priority,” she responded.

“And the troopers that were to be guarding her?”

“Awaiting your command on what we should do with them.”

Kylo brushed his lightsaber softly, “Bring them to me.”

Phasma nodded, and abruptly left the room. Kylo stood in his spot; his anger was overwhelming to the point where all he felt was numb. He rubbed his face, trying to get the image of her being beaten out of his mind.

They will pay for harming her.

They will suffer.

Phasma showed up moments later with the troopers that guarded Y/N. Kylo held his hands behind his back as he walked towards them. He stared at each one for a few moments, “You were to be guarding her; you were supposed to protect her when I wasn’t around.”

He rolled his eyes, a gesture he normally didn’t do, unless he was fed up, “But, I suppose that’s what happens when I place my trust in someone else.”

“We apologize, sir, it will never happen again,” one of the troopers said.

Kylo smirked, “You’re right, it won’t.”

He lit his saber and quickly swiped it across both of them, tearing through their armor. Their bodies fell instantly. Shutting off his saber, he looked at Phasma, “Tell the trackers to pick up their pace; I want results within the next three hours. No more.”

She nodded, “Right away Commander, but if I may ask; what do propose to do once you find her location? Should I ready a squad?”

“Do it, and make sure they’re your best,” he said, walking out of the room.

He needed to get his mind off of the situation at hand, he needed to prepare himself; three hours was enough time to do so. And he made a promise to himself, and silently, to her, that he would kill them all.

Reader

Y/N’s head throbbed, all she could do was endure what they were doing to her. She tasted the iron taste of blood in her mouth and winced as she tried to shut her eyes, she had a feeling there were swelled beyond belief.

She could hear the sound of the men speaking, talking about what they were going to do once the First Order paid up.

“What makes you so sure they’ll pay?”

Another man sighed, “That girl, is Kylo Ren’s wife; they’ll pay.”

“He’s a fucking Jedi Killer,” the first man said, a shiver in his voice, “Imagine what he’ll do to us when—”

“They won’t find us, kid, our tech is top of the line, the salesman said so; nobody can track us, besides, when they pay, we’ll drop her ass off on Jakku and be far gone by the time they get to her. It’ll work.”

Y/N chuckled inside, were these men stupid?

What the hell makes them think Kylo will let them get away?

They could go to another galaxy and Kylo would not stop hunting them.

She knew she didn’t have to worry about anything, all she had to do was endure the pain. Kylo would be there for her; she trusted in him.

Kylo

Kylo did not wait. As soon as he got the news that they tracked them to an abandoned outpost in Tatooine, he quickly boarded the ship with Phasma and the troopers trailing behind him. He was angry, beyond angry.

He wore his helmet, and his hood over his face to hide his disturbed emotions. The last thing he needed, was anyone to tell him he was off his rockers, which he was, but still.

He sat silently, in the co-pilots chair. Once they approached the planet, he commanded to Phasma, “Open fire as soon as we arrive at their base; no prisoners.”

“Understood.”

It was a few moments later, that they landed at the base, and the raiders opened fire. Kylo opened fire from the co-pilot station, shooting relentlessly. He could hear Phasma shout for the stormtroopers to follow her, they marched out and returned fire on them on the raiders.

Kylo quickly left the co-pilots chair, and as he descended the ramp, he switched his lightsaber on, deflecting oncoming shots.

“They’re here!”

“Fall back, fall back!”

He stalked forwards, towards the voices and cut down everyone and everything in his path. He sensed someone try to shoot him from behind, he used to force to paralyze him and bring him forwards; Kylo quickly wrapped his hands around his throat. He breathed heavily through his helmet, “Where is she?”

“In the lower levels, with the boss,” the raider answered, trying to catch his breath. Kylo squeezed tightly, crushing his windpipe, and swiftly snapped his neck.

He turned, towards the entrance of the base as the remaining raiders scurrying into the underground building. Phasma and her troops followed behind him as he stuck he stuck his arm out and pushed. The large metal door was sent flying backwards into the building, crushing the raiders that hid behind the door.

As he entered the building, blasters were being fired and he deflected each and every hit, allowing Phasma and the Stormtroopers to fire back at them without worrying about receiving fire. Kylo’s frustration was building, he could feel her here.

He could feel her excitement, and he smiled inside of his helmet. He allowed the feeling to overtake him, slicing anyone that got in his way.

He walked down the stone steps at the end of the hall. She was near, very near.

Kylo zoned in on her thoughts, and he could hear her, He’s got a blaster pointed at my temple.

He slowly descended the steps, how many are there?

Three.

He reached the bottom of the steps, eyeing the one that held Y/N, holding her like a human shield, pointing a blaster to her head, and quickly glancing at the other two that stood on either side of him, nervously pointing their blasters at him.

“Release her,” he demanded, holding his lightsaber steady in front of him, tilting it.

The one that held Y/N answered, “Where’s our ransom money?”

“You’re worried about ransom money? He could kill us!”

Kylo nodded, “I could.”

The boss, he assumed, shifted his eyes nervously, “Alright—alright, we’ll let her go... after we board our ship.”

Kylo tilted his head. His eyes fell on Y/N as she stared at him. He reached out to her, her eyes were angry as he probed her thoughts, don’t you dare.

He nodded, “Very well.”

The raiders sighed in relief, “Oh thank the—”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Kylo said, darkly.

By the time they realized what he meant, he used the force to knock all three of them backwards. Y/N ran towards him, and he quickly shoved her up the stairs as the men started shooting their blasters at him; he deflected them and rapidly moved forward, slicing one of the raiders in half, and cutting on from his navel to his chest.

He twirled his lightsaber and petrified the boss, who was staring at him in horror. Kylo slowly walked towards him, squatting down in front of him, “You put your hands on my wife,” he grabbed the man’s face, tightly, “For that, you will die very slowly.”

As he kept the man paralyzed, he used his lightsaber to cut bits and pieces off of him, making sure he didn’t pass out from shock, so he could watch what was being done to him; just as he had to watch his beloved Y/N get beaten.

Kylo ascended the steps a while later. His eyes fell on Y/N, as she tiredly sat with her back against the wall. He kneeled down in front of her, pulling his helmet off and tossing it on the floor, next to the dead bodies.

He gently touched her bloody, bruised and swollen face, leaning his forehead against hers, careful not to harm her, “I’m sorry I’m late.”

She chuckled, “It’s fine; you came for me, that’s all that matters.”

“I’m never letting you out of my sight, again,” Kylo said. She smiled softly at him, and he felt his anger diminish; he felt whole and alive. He pulled her into his arms and gently scooped her up, carrying her out of the bunker. He held back the tears that were pooling in his eyes as she nuzzled against his chest, and whispered, “I knew you’d come.”

He planted a kiss on her forehead, “Always, sweetheart.”

I hope you guys liked it! <3 I got a few more that I’m working and should be up by tomorrow. XD

@inumorph

Also, if you wanna be tagged in any of my stories, please let me know so I can start a tag list. XD

[kayasurin]

A long-time lurker of @suzie-guru, I’m tossing this Strange Magic story idea under the cut. I blame (and thank) Suzie because I might not have found the fandom through her stories, but they are what kept me in the fandom (and inspired me to get the DVD as well as get ideas of my own). 

Please find below 10 pages of notes for an idea I’m just calling the Accidental-Marriage-and-Pining AU. If someone decides they want to take it over, just give me a heads up. Otherwise, in my (non-existent) spare time I might take a swing at writing it myself.

·         Instead of kidnapping Dawn when the love potion gets stolen, Bog King declares war. Still crashes the elf party, but only to yell at people and tell the king that hey, war.

·         Roland is defeated & injured early on (shiny armour! No use! He looks very good in a parade but has never actually, y'know, fought before.) Not even by Bog, just some foot soldier goblin. Maybe Brutus with a backhand.

·         Dawn's still hit with a love potion BTW, and falls for a married elf who is devoted to his life-partner and, uh, it's flattering but he likes... guys. (Dawn literally cannot understand the idea right now, when normally she's as passionate about people being able to marry the ones they love as Marianne is passionate for denouncing love, period.) Dawn is kept in her room.

·         Sunny gets hold of the love potion and hands it over, along with his guilt - he is able to say it's Roland's idea, since Roland went from "respected" to "ridiculed". The triplets come forward and admit that they may have suggested Roland use a love potion on Marianne (who is very scary and they're very sorry). People remember that Roland's been talking off and on about war with the Dark Forest for a long time.

·         Bog is not about to stop the war now, even with the Fairies offering the potion back and they're really sorry - the Elders of the Forest would overthrow him in a heartbeat if he did.

·         Sunny is punished, but not as harshly as if he were the sole cause of the war. Basically confined to his rooms helping with the routine paperwork everyone else is too busy with the war to deal with. He might have nightmares about being unable to tell Requisition Form A-7 from Requisition Form A-8.

·         The Imp steals the love potion. It was well guarded but not well enough. Marianne hunts the Imp down (while everyone else is on the battlefield - her dad thought it'd be great for keeping her away from the fighting) but not before several fairies, elves, and a sparrow are dusted. Lizard/Lizzy still fixates on Sunny because he got dragged along with. (Everyone knows Marianne asking him what the hell he was thinking about a love potion and her little sister is more punishment than requisition forms.)

·         (Sunny is really, really sorry. But at least the lizard fixated on him. Guy who had a sparrow fall in love with  him got carried off. No one knows where he is. Everyone is varying degrees of worried)

·         (He's okay and shows up later after escaping when the love potion wore off. Maybe, haven't decided yet.)

·         The war, meanwhile, has lasted a month so far. The final battle happens.

·         Bog goes after Dagda, has to fight his way through the battlefield.

·         Marianne, who is not supposed to be there, gets between Bog and Dagda. She is a fresh fighter, compared to Bog who just spent a couple hours beating his way through elves and fairies and Dagda's guards. Also, Marianne is angry someone's threatening her dad. Also-also, there might be some high-pitched and painful-to-goblins screaming going on.

·         Marianne wins. Bog's hurt, very badly. (I'm sorry boo!) He's mistaken for dead for a little bit, actually.

·         Dagda, trying to signal to the goblins that their king is dead, please stop fighting and go have a civil war on your own side of the border, tries to pick up the Bog King's staff of office. He gets burned. It's wood (or... something?) but it just heated up like a sword fresh from the forge and not yet quenched. Marianne takes the staff, mostly because Dagda drops it, and is perfectly fine.

·         Battlefield turns into a different sort of chaos, of course. It's sorted out that Marianne is now Queen of the Dark Forest by right of personal combat with the Bog King - who, it turns out, is still alive. Marianne orders he be taken care of immediately (Maybe she can give this stupid staff thing back? Seriously, it's twice her height or something and really heavy and also she doesn't want to rule the Dark Forest! Heal up so she can give it back, now!)

·         Marianne, however, isn't going to be a bad ruler. She's got a bunch of terrified Goblins watching her and a bunch of scheming fairies too. She tells her dad to hand Roland over, since he was the real source of the conflict, but she'll be nice and accept him going to the Stone Reach * for investigation and trial.

·         *I envision the Stone Reach to be this rocky outcrop on the south border between the fields and the forest and, possibly a swamp or something. Not associated with anyone, considered perfectly neutral and called on in cases where the royals might have a conflict in sentencing, ect. Since three generations back they've also dealt with passing messages across the field/forest border, because Bog's grandfather refused to talk to Marianne's great-grandfather, and no one's changed the status-quo since. They do other things too for both sides, but the main one is being neutral.

·         They also run around fully cloaked, so no one can tell what species/race they are. Other than weird. The head of the group, AKA main investigator, I envision as something like Sam Vimes from Discworld, except covered head to toe so no one can actually see him. The right personality, though.

·         Back to the story though - the goblins had expected Marianne to just kill Bog on the battlefield, but weren't complaining when she wanted him healed instead. He's moved to the castle, sort of a prisoner and sort of "the prison cell is the only other place in the castle with beds long enough for this guy, and the Queen's taken over the Royal bedroom, and someone this injured cannot sleep on the floor."

·         Marianne also moves to the Dark Forest castle, immediately after telling the fairy council where they can stick their plans for the Dark Forest. (She's going to be a good queen and also hand this nonsense back to the Bog King once he's conscious. She can't hand the place back if the council gets their way.) The goblins are obedient, but not helpful. Griselda spends her entire time watching over Bog in the prison/sick room.

·         Griselda and Marianne encounter each other whenever Marianne's down there interrogating Sugarplum about the love potion. Dawn's still dusted after all, never mind everyone else. (Griselda: not impressed with this fairy who nearly killed her baby boy.)

·         Some of the goblins start actively plotting against Marianne. They're kinda bad at it because goblins go for "in your face" things like actual challenges, instead of backstabbing and what have you. Most of the plotting, therefore, is "who can we all agree to back and who has a chance of defeating our new Queen - shh she's coming" and not "let's poison her drink."

·         Seriously, goblins have standards for overthrowing their monarchs and solving political problems. Who'd be low enough to resort to poison or stabbing someone in the back when these sorts of things are important and should be seen by everyone! (Fairies. Fairies are low enough. Marianne is aware of the plotting but is expecting them to rebel the way fairies would - AKA knives in the dark or poison in the food. The lack of action in that direction is confusing her.)

·         The plotting goblins loosely fall into the following categories - those who want to back Bog in taking the throne back, those who want "new blood" on the throne (and if that blood happens to be related to them, so what?) and then there's a very small group of goblins who think Marianne's not the worst thing in the world, but only if she marries a goblin and has goblin babies.

·         Around this point (approx 1 month after Marianne takes over) Bog wakes up. It takes him a little while, but he regains his health pretty quickly once he's conscious and isn't being force-fed (or unconscious-fed) broth. He sees Marianne when she visits Sugarplum and gets full reports of everything going on thanks to Griselda, Stuff, and Thang (as the ones most able to visit him without being noticed and what have you). He's annoyed at the plotters manoeuvring and spends his time thinking of how he can possibly get his throne back without relying on those plotters who back him.

·         Seriously if he accepts help from any of the plotters he can say hello to a new life as a political puppet. As for anyone else ruling his forest, hah! He dealt with that fly-shit as a kid when someone stole his father's throne (from Griselda, Bog's regent, since Bog's dad kind of died when Bog was a newborn) and then Bog had to kick the imposter off the throne - and not doing that again, thanks.

·         Between his informants and reports about captured goblin soldiers, Bog figures out that any rebellion will likely be met with fairy soldiers setting the forest on fire. It's the main stumbling block to his plan of "kill or kick the fairy out and take the throne back" and he and Griselda spend a long time trying to figure out how to prevent the fire happening. At the very least they're expecting Marianne to turn the Forest into a servant-state of the Fields.

·         (The fairy council, despite her telling them what to do with their plans, expect the same. And are very annoyed that it hasn't happened yet. It's a temper tantrum, that's what it is. Sure.)

·         (There's tension between Marianne and Dagda for this reason, among others, especially since Dagda only "let" Marianne go to the forest to try and get a cure for the love potion.)

·         (Marianne is super unhappy at being in the forest, but as long as she doesn't go outside or look out a window she doesn't panic or anything, which is one way to avoid talking face-to-face with her dad.)

·         After a while (couple weeks) Bog's judged as healed as he can get just lying around and to start getting up and moving to build his strength back. He and Griselda have no answer to the probable "fairies with fire" thing, so Griselda instead begs Bog to capitulate to Marianne, swear allegiance so she doesn't kill him to strengthen her rule. (They've figured that's why she's having him healed up, so she can execute him in front of the Elders and properly strengthen her claim.) Griselda: "I've buried my husband. Please don't make me bury my son."

·         She doesn't fight fair. Bog, meanwhile, might not be king any more but the oaths he swore when taking the throne still count, okay. He still has a responsibility to protect and serve the goblins, and obviously a rebellion isn't the way to go (fairies with fire). If dying keeps them safe (or safer, anyways) he'll do it. He'd rather not, but he will.

·         Marianne finally gets the story of Bog using the love potion, and what the antidote actually is, from Sugarplum. Bog is unaware of this, by the way. He is aware that Marianne's yelling at Sugarplum ("What, real love is the only cure? Are people aware that you're peddling something fake? Seriously, all you're doing is making longer-lasting BEER GOGGLES you fraud!") but can't make out the words. Probably for the best.

·         Marianne contacts Dagda (those weekly messengers are finally good for something) with the cure - true love - and tells him Sunny can cure Dawn, now stop sending me constant messages telling me to come home, I'm BUSY ruling my new COUNTRY. Dagda obviously does what he's told re: Dawn and Sunny, and keeps sending Marianne messages asking her to come home, the forest is no place for a fairy, ect, ect. They'll set up a subsidiary of the council to take care of the day-to-day humdrum of ruling the forest. (HAH! No.)

·         Sugarplum is shipped off to Stone Reach. Her actions are going to be evaluated for treason. No, Marianne's not being petty and it's not revenge for the whole "Dawn got love potioned and Roland was going to use the potion on Marianne" thing. And absolutely nothing about feeling sympathy for a young, love-lorn Bog King who then got his heart broken because Sugarplum was selling lies. No sympathy for the stick-insect-man at all.

·         Bog requests an audience with Marianne during her next open court. Either his (horrible) plan will work, or it won't and he'll die. Either way, it'll be over with quick. And he's figuring on the "I'm going to die" side of things, because it's a terrible idea but no one can come up with anything better, and it will  hopefully keep the plotting idiots from doing something to bring fire-and-fairies to the forest.

·         Oh yeah, little tidbit that this story relies on - there's a second, smaller throne beside Marianne's. The goblins brought it in. When Marianne asked why it hadn't been there to start, they explain that Bog had it taken away, but she hasn't told them the policy about the second throne yet, ect. They do not explain who the second throne is for, figuring it's obvious. It is not. Marianne figures it's for - like in the fairy kingdom - the chief advisor/heir, depending on whether there's an heir or not. The goblins, meanwhile, know it's for the ruler's partner. Both sides think the other side "knows" what the second throne is for.

·         Bog shows up in court looking like he's just barely mobile, because he is. He's got some fresh new scars showing. First time for the majority of the goblins to see his wounds. People are either impressed he survived or disappointed he survived. First time Marianne really sees his wounds - or him - as well.

·         (This is a slow burn, people. They've finally met properly. That's not the end of it yet though.)

·         (Bog's worst wound is, I'm envisioning, a cut high up on the inside of his thigh, in the small area between hip and leg not covered by chitin. Yes, there. A few others include healed cuts on his face and hands, and a crack on his chest, which has healed but won't go away until the next shed or two.)

·         Bog explains to Marianne that the goblins don't want to accept her as Queen, that she will face challenges to her rule as long as he lives, even if he is not the one challenging her. (Simplification of all the nonsense the plotters are coming up with, of course.)

·         Marianne challenges Bog that he wouldn't be saying that if there wasn't another way, unless he wanted a public execution. (Outwardly calm, inwardly panicked. She hasn't killed anyone yet, not even on the battlefield. She really doesn't want to start by chopping someone's head off.)

·         Bog kneels and says he will swear to accept her as the rightful ruler and abide by her rules. He'll even live in the fields if she wants him out of the forest, ect. (Inwardly going "Oh hell no I do not want to live in that horrible place - but I will if I have to and that might help protect my people too, yes self you just volunteered to be a hostage but whatever.)

·         After some back and forth, Marianne accepts Bog's oath. The goblin Elders are annoyed because they didn't factor this possibility into their plans at all. Griselda is resigned but relieved that Marianne's not going to kill Bog. The common goblins are confused, but relieved, ect.

·         Marianne then announces she has made a decision about Bog. Bog is there expecting to be sent to the fields in exile, maybe with a few goblins. Instead, Marianne tells him to take the lesser throne. (The spouse seat. The Elders are freaking out. They REALLY weren't expecting THIS.)

·         Goblins, shocked. Bog, shocked. Marianne, confused and hiding it. She just wants to keep the former ruler as her chief advisor. (Why didn't she just take the chance and shove the throne back at him and flee as fast as she could?! She could've done it but nooooooo...)

·         The slow burn BEGINS, MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

·         Bog is moved into the previously closed spouse-bedroom attached to the royal chambers through the washroom. He's constantly sitting to Marianne's right during dinners and things. He is very confused and bemused and worried, because now he's Marianne's husband? That's literally all it takes for the ruler to decide yup, this is my life-partner, just an announcement and the life-partner sitting in the lesser throne. (Most do throw parties of some sort or other, but that's not required.)

·         Marianne does not help by having a discussion with Bog, immediatley after court, about what his duties will be, once he's healed. Advising her about goblin law and customs, primarily. Nothing "active" until he has a clean bill of health. (She's thinking sparring, maybe, or sending Bog out to be the royal face so she doesn't have to fly through the forest - no she's not getting better on her own. Bog's brain maybe shuts down a little, though, because married + active = error does not compute.)

·         They set up a routine: breakfast together, usually with a group, very informal. Mornings are spent separate, Bog going to the healer, his mother, dealing with the guards and messengers, ect. Marianne reviews proposed laws/drafting proposals herself, dealing with household complaints, ect. (Marianne asks Bog why the hell he let things get so bad the linens were taken by field mice. Bog is confused they ever HAD linens. There's a reason why Marianne's the one in charge of the household. Mostly because Bog's pants at it.)

·         They eat lunch together, then court if it's a court day. Or the library the rest of the time, for Marianne's "how to rule the Dark Forest" lessons. History, politics, who wants to kill who, how property rights are handled, inheritance law, ect.

·         Dinner together, and then Bog gives lessons in staff fighting. At the start he gets to sit down and correct Marianne's stances, then as he gets better he starts moving around and eventually they begin, very carefully, sparring.

·         Bog, during this part, transitions from hating Marianne with a passion (she beat him and stole his throne!) to respecting-but-disliking her (okay, she stole his throne, but she's not horrible, for a fairy) to respecting and liking her. It helps that she admits she didn't actually want to take his throne, he was going for her dad and she just reacted, and she's really sorry but she's determined to do a good job of it. (She may or may not have started to offer to give the throne back, but it won't work that way, because Bog lost and would need to win a serious fight to get it back. No-go right now, and depending on how that leg heals, maybe never.)

·         Marianne, meanwhile, is also transitioning during this part, from distrusting everything and everyone (she's a fairy and fairies are good with backstabbing) to trusting that she's accepted, for now, as the ruler. The plotters have stopped their plotting until they figure out how to handle everything that's happened. She relaxes, trusts Bog but is feeling guilty over stealing his throne, even though she didn't mean to. She also finds herself, by the time they're sparring, admiring Bog's fighting ability (and absolutely not his body. Just the fighting ability. Juuuuuust the fighting ability. Not his hands, or the way he can twirl a staff with just his fingers, or the way his shoulders flex, or that smirk or - just the fighting abilities. Yup. That's her story and she's sticking to it.)

·         By this point it's autumn and the harvest starts, so it's all hands on deck. Bog's delegated to the kitchen, because he can be trusted not to chop his own fingers off and he's still only allowed to be only so active. Marianne assists with winterizing the castle and the hidden outbuildings (archives, ect) because she might not know how to hunt and she can't tell the difference between a poisonous berry and a safe one, but by golly she can slap mud and moss over a crack in the wall like a champion.

·         Word from the Stone Reach arrives. After the (date to be determined - probably hunter's moon, or maybe harvest moon, before the first frost but only just), Roland and Sugarplum's trials will be held. Marianne can't avoid it, Bog has to go too, ect.

·         Marianne and Bog have had multiple personal conversations by this point, everything from brief, "this reminds me of" and in-depth, hours-long conversations. However Marianne stops sharing her personal history/views/values/experiences. They had stopped sparring because Super Busy for harvest, but they take it back up again. They still discuss laws and culture, but not as much. They're also still busy doing what they're allowed to do for harvest. (Marianne is too busy to get freaked out bringing stuff to people outside, and anyways everything's changing colours and she's not reminded of things that happened, so it's okay.)

·         Harvest festival with the goblins - Dawn and Sunny visit. Most goblins are unaware Sunny was the elf that stole the love potion, so they treat him decently, and Dawn's okay because she's their Queen's sister. Dawn asks Marianne to come back for the fairy's harvest festival. Marianne tries to get out of it (she really doesn't want to talk to Dagda in person by now, she's been avoiding him for most of the year now - Primroses stop blooming around May) by telling Bog if she goes, he goes. By the end of the night Marianne and a small group of goblins, including Bog, have been selected. She's not sure how that happened.

·         (Goblins, for the most part, wear jewellery and not clothes. For the most part they're all wildly different in shape anyways, but what one of them can wear as a necklace another can wear as a bracelet, ect. Tasteful bling happens.)

·         Bog warns Marianne that he only has his traditional outfit and there's no time to get anything made for his new status. She tells him to wear the traditional. (She's expecting, like, maybe a crown, maybe some armlets or something.)

·         Bog's outfit is a royal great kilt. (I put the Scottish-accented Bog in a great kilt, I'm so proud of myself.) Where fairies use magic on flower petals and leaves, goblins have weaving - which takes so much longer, since they spin cattail fluff and thistle-down or tufts of fur into yarn, and then have to do the weaving. Marianne's given a wrap with the same pattern as Bog's kilt and they started making it the moment she was officially Queen - so about the time she sat down on the throne for the first time.

·         (Telling Bog to wear the great kilt provided to the forest's king - not the prince, not the consort, but the full king - reinforces the "married" thing. She doesn't know that. Bog assumes he hasn't been asked to 'perform' his 'marital duties' because Marianne doesn't find him attractive, and he is totally 100% relieved about this and not even slightly regretful someone he considers a friend thinks he's too hideous to touch. Yup.)

·         (Marianne, meanwhile, is all but punching herself in the face because she's started humming, goddamn it, whenever she and Bog are alone or plausibly alone. She totally has feelings she refuses to examine, mostly because Bog's kind of like her employee now and he probably still hates her for the whole 'stealing the throne' thing.)

·         (Bog may or may not have the odd wish that Marianne would sing to him, because fairies sing to the people they lo - like. Right? Right. Yes. Friendship songs, toooootally friendship songs. They'd be nice.)

·         Then the fairy harvest festival. Marianne sees Bog in a kilt and nearly walks into a wall, because - clothing. She's seen him naked, technically, but hooooooh boy now that he's wearing clothes, of a sort, all the can think is getting him out of them and there may or may not be some (a lot) of blushing and mental beating herself up going on. (Marianne has read romance novels, of the sort that go into details a young and impressionable and curious thirteen year old was curious about.) (Bog, in contrast, is quite innocent, poor guy. Doesn't know what's going to hit him...)

·         The entire festival basically goes as follows: Fairies are polite but condescending to the goblins. Fairies are polite but condescending to Marianne. Goblins get annoyed at the fairies being rude to their Queen - the group was chosen by Bog half because they'd be useful in a fight, half because they happen to genuinely like Marianne by this point. Marianne doesn't notice the fairies being condescending to her but she does notice them being rude to her goblins. Most fairies end up acting like catty brats.

·         At least one fairy accuses Marianne of having gone native to the forest. She does not deny it. At least one council member warns (threatens) her that her actions are risking her inheritance of the Fields. Bog overhears the threat, but not Marianne's response of "Dawn would be a good queen (and Sunny, you know, her elf fiancée? Would be king. Won't you enjoy that, you wrinkled old prune?)"

·         The trial at Stone Reach is probably immediately after the party, so the goblins ride their dragonflies there and the fairies fly. Marianne spends the entire flight snubbing Dagda who probably spent the entire fairy party trying to ask her who she wants to take over the day-to-day ruling nonsense so she can come home, and also would she please reconsider any of these charming fairy bachelors (who were rude to her goblins so not just no, hell no.)

·         (She might be a little a lot protective of the goblins, now. She really likes them and their way of life and sure it's different from what she's used to, but that's hardly a bad thing. Also, Bog. Who has nothing to do with her "hell no" about the fairy bachelors, of course.)

·         The trial. Evidence is presented, including Roland cheating on Marianne and how often, her breaking up with him, all because it goes into his motivation for wanting a love potion. (Someone gets to observe if Roland had just kept it in his pants for one more day, he'd have been married and thus the next king... up until Marianne caught him cheating and killed him, anyways.)

·         The Stone Reach provides it's judgement of Roland to be treason to the Fair Fields (knowingly and deliberately taking actions that led to the war) and conspiracy to act against the Dark Forest. Roland is sentenced to death.

·         Plum is judged to not have committed treason by reason of mental instability. She is to stay at the reach until she is judged sane. Also she is to not make any more love potions, because the spell-masters at the Reach believe creating love potions did not help with the mental stability. (No, that's probably not an excuse to make her stop, they're from the Reach. They certainly wouldn't lie. Tell only part of the truth, sure, but out-and-out lie? Never.)

·         Marianne does not stick around for Roland's execution, but instead leaves as soon as she can, taking the goblins with her. She remains distant to everyone - having her blindness to Roland's true character and the many times he cheated on her revealed to everyone hurt - but especially avoids Bog. She does her duties, but without her usual enthusiasm, and doesn't spar.

·         Bog ends up confronting Marianne in her bedroom. They fight, both verbal and physical, though not much of the later. Marianne ends up threatening to send Bog to live in the fields if he can't keep his nose out of her business. He retreats after that.

·         (I mentioned slow burn, right? Also, threat to the trust they've built up to this point, along with their friendship.)

·         Bog goes around snarling at everyone, Marianne is upset with everyone, and it's just in time for the first snow to hit.

·         Griselda tries to talk to Bog and gets nowhere, so she ends up confronting Marianne. "I'm a mother and you should fear love me" works where nothing else did, and Marianne ends up confessing about the fight and how bad she's felt since defeating Bog, and taking away his kingdom - and just everything, really. Up to and including how she has 'no right' to feel as she does for Bog, ect.

·         Griselda does manage to direct Marianne to talk to Bog. Marianne does, and apologises for what she said, confirms that she'd never ask him to move to the fields, never mind order him there, and that she relies on him more than anyone, ect. Finishes by saying he's her best friend - and apart from Dawn, kind of her only one, really.

·         This is the moment Bog falls head over heels out of friendship and into love. He's sunk.

·         All the pining happens from this point on. Sparring resumes, the duo begin to notice (and admit) their physical attraction to each other, and their conversations become awkward (but so exhilarating). They have more personal conversations, including Marianne eventually discussing how she felt about Roland, how she felt about being cheated on, ect.

·         (Marianne does say, in retrospect, she loved the idea of Roland more than the person, and her upset was as much for losing that 'idea' of him as being cheated on. Also, in hindsight, not that Marianne tells Bog this, but she didn't feel much for Roland, physically. He was too pretty to lust over, or something. She just figured she'd get the physical attraction once they were married.)

·         (Of course, Marianne is comparing her memories of how she felt about Roland to how she feels about Bog now, and she is noticing Bog physically a whole lot. Primarily his eyes, hands, wings, that scar high up on his thigh, and how careful he is with his strength. She maybe wants to wreck his self control, which is not something good fairy girls are supposed to want.)

·         (Bog, meanwhile, really wants to know what Marianne's hair feels like, and really likes her eyes, and her wings, and her neck keeps catching his attention, and she's so tiny but she's so strong and it's really impressive how she can just, like, go toe to toe with him and even overpower him at times. It gives him fluttery feelings inside.)

·         With winter in place, Bog starts taking Marianne out on trips in the forest. Short trips because it's cold, but he gets the chance to show her places he feels are the most beautiful - things like waterfalls where the plants and rocks are coated in ice from the constant spray, or the glow cave, flying through the thorn bushes only this time it's daytime and they look like they're carved from crystal because there's just so much frost everywhere, ect.

·         Mutual pining continues. The goblin midwinter ceremony happens - no set details right now, but probably something about staying up all night until dawn, dinner being 'starvation food' (like super-thin soups and salads made out of things you'd only eat if you had no other choice), putting all the fires out and lighting candles, then lighting the fires from the candles, ect. Marianne does the fairy tradition of giving gifts - those closest to her get personal gifts, everyone else gets generic gifts like sweats (or socks - goblins love the idea of socks). She ends up giving Bog a traditional engagement gift - possibly a wire and gemstone bracelet?

·         During the first council meeting of the new year, the Elders of the Forest make preliminary noises about potential heirs and merging new Royal blood with the old. (They have finally decided how to handle Bog being married to Marianne.) Marianne finally discovers she and Bog are considered married. The goblins finally discover she had no freaking clue. The goblins are stunned. Bog's heartbroken, because of course there was no chance, Marianne's reaction just proves that out.

·         (Bog assumed, his feelings for Marianne aside, she was just making the best of their marriage and doesn't feel anything more than friendship for him. He figures it's a one-sided situation again, only worse, because a) no way he'd ever consider using a love potion again and b) they're married.)

·         (Marianne is heartbroken, as she figures this means Bog was just making the best of a bad situation and maybe they are friends, but how the hell can he love her? Not only did she steal his throne but she told him they were married the first day he was barely mobile... ect.)

·         More pining! Not helped by the goblin Elders, who are pushing for a proper marriage that both sides know is a marriage.

·         Griselda is just so done with everything, from the Elders to the mutually pining idiots giving each other sad, longing looks over the breakfast dishes (and not realizing the person they're sighing over is sighing over them right back. They're sitting right next to each other, how are they this dense?!) She sends messages to Dawn explaining EVERYTHING, especially about the mutually pining idiots. (Griselda may or may not have spent multiple hours with each idiot bemoaning their sad and sorry fate. At least Marianne's honest about wanting to shove Bog against a wall and oh yeah you're his mother, sorry...)

·         Dawn sends a letter back saying she won't be much help until the snows help in spring, but be encouraging (and blunt) with the idiots.

·         Griselda sets up the romantic dinner from the movie, only the song is "kiss the girl" from The Little Mermaid. The idiotic and pining duo get angry, tear up the decorations, and go off to spar (and pine.)

·         After they spar, they go outside to stargaze a little. They grouse about the Elders and the romantic dinner (blaming the Elders, not Griselda). Someone slips - probably Bog - and probably along the lines of "after all, I know you wouldn't - well, I'm me (gestures at self) and you can do better."

·         Whoever is self-deprecating is reassured and the initial confessions of feelings happens. They retreat to Marianne's private office to talk in the warm. Further confessions of feelings happens. Kissing happens. Someone (probably Bog) gets shoved against a wall and ravished. There is no complaining.

·         Their relationship escalates quickly (probably same day, TBH) to sharing a bed, but no sex. They do end up with lots of heavy petting every night as they figure out what feels good, what doesn't, ect. Marianne discovers Bog's spine thing, Bog discovers Marianne's thing for necks (both hers and his - she's equally enthusiastic having her neck kissed (and nipped) as she is doing the kissing (and nipping) as well as Marianne's ear thing.

·         They try to keep it secret from Griselda and the Elders. They are not subtle and they fool no one. The Elders, however, have to shut up about it because Marianne has a sword and tells them what she'll do with it if they don't move on to the next subject, NOW.

·         Griselda sends Dawn an update with no reply, but isn't surprised.

·         Marianne and Bog end up with smut. Bog is quite happy to be shoved around and Marianne is quite happy do shove him around. They take turns turning each other to mush. Marriage proposal once they're able to do words again afterwards.

·         Close out with a wedding under the cut primroses, some combination of goblin and fairy traditions. (Okay, more fairy traditions than not, because fairies actually need a ceremony to be married and goblins don't, but details.)

[evakuality]

Archetype fic infodump

Because I thought far too often about this in far too much detail before I started writing, here is a small glance into the bts ideas behind this archetype fic of mine.  The final (!!!!) chapter is written and with my betas, and this is here now because I’m pretty sure there’s nothing new in the fic itself.  So there shouldn’t be spoilers in here for anyone who’s read up to chapter ten.  Okay, so first, I’ll put the notes I made for myself before I started writing.  Then I’ll try to answer specific questions or comments/theories people have had over the course of this thing.  Anything that was answered in the fic itself I tried to leave out (because it’s already so long ugh), and there was some stuff I added to the notes on chapter one which I didn’t bother to replicate.  If anyone has any questions about anything here, or wants more detail, please do ask.  I’m finding it hard to remember everything I thought about as I created this world, but I am perfectly willing to talk about this at length when prompted.  As this is mostly self indulgent (so self-indulgent; I feel quite cringey even posting it) I’d love to answer things other people want to know so I can indulge more than just myself.  As usual, this is long!  Keep yourselves hydrated while you read.

Characters and their types:

Even: Beast.

Isak: Outcast

Sonja = Beauty

Emma = another Outcast (note, we never met her in Even’s PoV even though we did briefly hear about her, but she was formative in Isak’s and so we may meet her in the Isak PoV sections)

Eskild = Fairy Godmother

Sana = the Seer

Jonas = the Wise Man

Magnus = the Fool

Mahdi = Prince Charming

Eva = Princess

Noora = Princess.  (fun fact: Noora was going to be a Charming, but then I decided that given how long the damn fic already was that I’d just make them both Princesses and have them out of archetype.  If I was going to do more with Noora, I do feel like Charming would work for her.)

Vilde = the Sidekick

Chris = the Sidekick

Elias = the Hero

Yousef = the Fool (in the sense that he tells the truth in an uncomfortable way)

Adam = The Sidekick

Mutta = the Sidekick

Even’s mother = Beast

Even’s father = Beauty

Isak’s mother = Beast (fun fact: I see her as the ‘Pack’ type discussed in the book Even finds)

Isak’s father = Beauty (we never meet him, but his absence was a factor in how Isak turned out, of course.  I see this relationship as one where the Beauty is mismatched to the Beast type and that’s at least partially why the whole thing fell apart)

Common archetypes (note, this isn’t an exhaustive list, just the ones mentioned in this fic):

Outcast, Charming, Wise Man, Princess, Fool, Sidekick, Hero

More rare archetypes:

Beast, Beauty, Damsel, Seer, Fairy Godmother

How does being a Beast affect Even [note, some of this didn’t make it into the fic itself] -- he’s expected to be dominant and aggressive, having temper tantrums and rages.  Needs ‘control’ to keep him in line.  He doesn’t enjoy this at all and it’s never felt truly natural to him.  Yearns to be allowed to be playful and ‘childish’ - reckless and free spirited.  ‘Director of his own life’ -- is allowed to be silly with Isak.  Running, jumping, little things like kissing in a stupid way through to big things like running naked through the streets or skinny dipping.  Adventure sports etc.

How does being an Outcast affect Isak [note, some of this changed as I was writing] -- he’s mistrustful, stays on the sidelines, feels left out, wary of society and pressures, fed up with expectations (eg the bad boy, the rebel, the player etc etc), simultaneously anxious and wants to fit in.  Creates his own little ‘in group’ with Even.  Finally feels like he fits.  Anti hero of a sort.  On the margins, never quite accepted.  Expected to end up with another outcast or to remain alone.  But he wants something more.  Is entranced by Even when he meets him, but very wary because he’s a Beast and is he only tame-ish because he’s with his Beauty.

Questions from various places:

I'm wondering if, given there's Beast's Beauty but then also Sleeping Beauty (and Snow White is also a lot/all about her beauty), if you're going to go into that? Like, different types of Beauties (maybe different types of Beasts?)?

Strangely prescient idea presented in the comments of chapter one by @fille-lioncelle.  The answer, of course, is yes.  There are different types of each of those things, though not quite in that way.  The types weren’t quite so structured as this, but the basic idea behind this is right: the types are a lot more complex than originally considered by many of the characters, and just as there are multiple Beast types, there are multiple Beauty types as well.

It was also heartbreaking to see how deeply internalized is Even's belief in the destructiveness of his beastly urges, so much so that he pushes away even good and positive beastly traits (like protectiveness and caring for others) because he's so conditioned to think beastly urges are a disaster.

Comment from @arindwell on chapter 3.  That was one of the things I most wanted to do with this fic: to show how destructive a rigid set of expectations and behaviours is for a society and the people in it.  That Even believes all his good traits are tied to being a Beast and that they will eventually, inevitably betray him and make him hurt the people around him was essential to his progress.  But it was really hard to actually do :(

It was also really interesting to find out that Isak has had to learn to behave like a Beauty because of his mom. It makes me interested in whether there are other people who have learned to take on characteristics of other archetypes for various reasons.

Comment by @arindwell on chapter 4.  This one, the answer is definitely yes even though we didn’t really see it in the fic itself.  That’s central to the nature/nurture premise: that the society has decided on these rigid ideas of what each type must be like, and any deviation is bad and wrong.  But, of course, human nature is not like that and we all have aspects of all traits.  It’s just to what degree and how they manifest, and hopefully that’s shown in this fic somehow.

I think in the last chapter you talked about how Isak learned to behave like a Beauty and that Even might have recognised that in him and it's just throwing so much more nature vs nurture questions at this haha are types genetic? Are there dominant and recessive ones? When can you tell?

Comment on chapter 5 by @fille-lioncelle.  Are types genetic?  No not really, at least not in a way I can quantify because I am not a scientist.  I mean, there’s a slightly higher chance for offspring of certain types to be those types but due to mystical fic magic there’s no real scientific genetic pattern here.  So, eg, Even the Beast is a product of a Beauty/Beast archetype pairing, and yet Isak the Outcast is the product of another.  Certain types are more common but that’s just a thing that happens.  Maybe it’s a hormonal thing?  Who knows?  Certainly not me.  So, of course, this mean there are no recessive/dominant genes etc etc.  However, when can you tell?  It’s something which is inherent in the kids, but they don’t get formally typed until they’re older toddlers (4-ish?)  So for those first few years, parents watch their kids like hawks going, ‘I wonder if he’s a Fool’ or ‘What a cute little Damsel’ etc etc and generally they a) know by the time of typing and b) have some pretty set expectations already when the typing does happen.

I was wondering - if Eskild is the Fairy Godmother type, how does that work? Do they usually find people to take care of, like a single person they choose to help and focus on? Or do they take care of multiple people in general, like specific types like Outcasts?

Comment by Rissa on chapter 5.  So, yeah in a way Fairy Godmother’s do like to have their little projects.  So they might adopt one or two special people to nurture and mother.  But they also just really like looking after everyone; their nature makes them want to make sure everyone is at ease and doing well.

Also, does everyone remain the type they are for the rest of their life, or do they change? And also, how are types determined when you're born?

Comment by Rissa on chapter 5.  Yeah, everyone keeps their archetype for their whole lives.  But as we’ve seen with Isak, they can adapt and take on traits of other types.  As for how the types are determined, this is one I’m a little fuzzy on.  ‘It just happens?’ was my go to hand wave while I was writing.  But basically, I imagine it as a process which is half observation and half testing.

You know what's really interesting? and stop me if I'm wrong haha, im just thinking out loud! But I think one of the main differences between Outcasts and Beauties (aside from the obvious ones) is that Outcasts seem very protective of others that they take under their wing. Kinda like a fairy godmother type, almost? But in that Outcasts take care of other types that maybe feel like Outcasts as well.

Comment by Rissa on chapter 7.  I think there’s definitely something in here.  The Outcasts do tend to take each other under their wings, and that’s why they make their little in groups.  When you’re pushed to the margins and assumed to not fit, you find those places to fit on your own.  So they are super sensitive to those close to them who also feel on the outer.  So of course, when Isak starts to get close to Even, his own feelings of alienation and being on the outside would have resonated with Isak and made him a lot more willing to drop his guard faster than usual.  But Jonas was right: they don’t usually do it for people outside their archetype and so isak is still a little unusual.

I wonder if, like gender and sexuality, they're treated differently by different groups throughout history.

Comment by @fille-lioncelle on chapter 9.  Yeah, pretty much.  I mean, Isak talks about that a little in chapter ten of course.  But it wasn’t until the church decided it needed a better way to control the population and started embedding the stories that things became so rigid and defined.  I’d like to take this chance to say I was a bit nervous about this idea because it’s about humans, of course, not religious beliefs themselves.  Church leaders, wanting to retain a power they felt slipping away, doing what they can to take it back and keep it for themselves.  It’s reflective of real things that real people did in our world but it’s not meant as a suggestion that religion itself is a problem.  Just the way it’s weaponized sometimes.

This makes me wonder if the subcategory thing applies to all the types? I'd think it would, or at least for most of them. Also, I wonder if it applies to Isak/what subtype he'd be.

Comment by @kapplebougher on chapter 9.  Well, as we’ve seen, yes other types do have subcategories as well.  The interesting thing about Outcasts, however, is that for the most part they don’t have any one single defining characteristic.  This is why Isak himself is able to say ‘I’m an Outcast because I’m attracted to guys’ - because it’s not as defined as the others.  Which makes it both easier to live with and harder in some ways.  But all this will be explored in a bit more detail when we get Isak’s PoV.

[evenstevensranked]

#50: Season 3, Episode 20 - “Surf’s Up”

Recurring character Zack Estrada invites Twitty to go surfing with him and his friends. Out of jealousy, Louis, who was not invited — invites himself.. which causes all sorts of drama. Meanwhile, Ren meets and falls for a guy named Gil who she has reason to believe might be a merman.

Okay, so I just want to start off by saying… a lot of people don’t like this episode. I looked at some old forums from 2000-2006 recently and so many people were like “This episode sucked!” right after it initially aired, lol. I guess I can see why they felt that way, but this episode is actually one of my personal favorites. Why have I ranked it #50 then, you ask? Well, upon re-watching.. it felt a little flat and sort of dragged on. It wasn’t as funny or strong as I remembered, but I still absolutely love the basis for the whole thing. If we’re looking at what I’m basing my rankings on, this one probably meets only 2 of the 6 requirements - “personal favorite” and “quality plot line.” So, now that you know my reasoning... let’s dive in. (Pun intended.)

In the opening scene, we see Louis and Twitty at lunch when *dun dun dunnnn* Zack Estrada calls Twitty over and invites him to go surfing at Troubadour Point. Now, this episode actually marks Zack’s last appearance. So, without getting into detail.. Basically, Louis has always been super jealous of this dude. Like, incredibly jealous. The jealousy dates back to early Season 1 and spans 4 episodes throughout the shows run. I refer to it as The Zack Estrada Saga. And here, it continues. The third to last episode of the series, and he’s still jealous.

I know that feel, Lou. 

When Twitty returns to their lunch table he’s talking excitedly about spring break. Which, piggybacking off of what I said last week, is another reason why I fully believe these kids were intended to be high school students. Because, no middle schoolers I know go gallivanting off to the beach unsupervised for spring break, lol. But, hey! Maybe it’s different in 2017. Nah, yeah. Something’s telling me it’s definitely different in 2017. Middle schoolers look and act 25 years old these days, so.

Louis’ jealousy is very evident when he passive aggressively asks Twitty when he started hanging out with Zack and his friends. Twitty says he went surfing with them last spring break while Louis was at a temper tantrum workshop. This is the first funny moment of the episode. Louis responds by screaming at Twitty on the verge of tears, “nOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I EXPRESS MYSELF APPROPRIATELY NOW!” Louis decides to go ahead and invite himself to Troubadour Point even though he has no idea how to surf.

This episode was always somewhat refreshing to me, because it’s one of the only ones where we see our characters in an environment other than their houses or school. That’s something cool about early Disney Channel shows. They weren’t contrived or restricted to a sound stage on a fake beach like Hannah Montana, for example. They’re actually at a real beach and I love it. 

They make a point to show Twitty and the owner of the beach shack rub a sacred lucky surf idol tiki thing and say “Pray for waves!” Louis enters the shack with his surfboard (which is bad luck apparently) and knocks over the tiki. Yikes. This reminds me of The Brady Bunch Hawaii episode, lol. I was just waiting for the bad luck music to play. Zack was already a little annoyed when Twitty told him Louis was coming, so now… his dislike for Louis is pretty strong. 

Side note: I feel like Disney Channel totally typecast Brandon Baker as that ~ethnic surfer bro.~ For those of you who don’t know or never realized, he also played Johnny Kapahala (a.k.a Johnny Tsunami). I just came across this cute little followup series Disney did with him last year. Side side note: Brandon is actually biracial (white and fillipino) and they portrayed that accurately on screen in the Johnny movies! Random to mention, I know. But I’m biracial so I get oddly happy when I notice this stuff, lol.

There are actually two mini subplots in this episode, which might contribute to its “off”-ness. We have Tom who’s trying to build a perfect sandcastle. And we have Beans who’s metal detecting, but just ends up stealing people’s stuff. Beans really shouldn’t be there. His bit is useless. I understand it was most likely an attempt to get everyone involved in the fun beach location episode.. but, I feel like there might be too many things going on here.

Tawny is sitting by Tom, all covered up from the sun. Tom asks her why she isn’t helping with the sand castle and she’s like “Oh, I’m just waiting for a little more cloud cover.” And, Tom says “Oh. Right. Heaven forbid a ray of sunshine should touch your precious porcelain skin.” Tom is the best. But of course.. Twitty, Zack and the surfer bros go running to the ocean and step all over the castle. Louis is trailing behind them like a lovable uncoordinated doofus and ruins the remainder of it. Tom is so sad. Bless his heart.

Ren, Ruby and Monique are chilling on the beach too when some guys ask them to hang out. Side note: This one dude who Monique runs away with!! I always thought he looked familiar and as I was watching it again today — it hit me! He went on to be a member of fictional boyband Boyz N Motion from That’s So Raven! Omg. I looked it up just to make sure, and I was in fact correct. His name is Michael Copon. So, there’s that.

Ren is on the dock throwing pebbles and shells into the sea when a guy emerges from the water and throws shells back at her, lol ok. The two start talking and she finds out his name is Gil! Yep. THE Gil who breaks her heart in a pancake house in The Even Stevens Movie. Gil swims away, and Ren can’t help but notice the giant glimmering fin that splashes in the water. I’d honestly be a little confused, too.

My inner subconscious Social Justice Warrior came out a bit when Ren sees Monique and Ruby doing their hair and makeup and says “Ah! Makeup and hairspray at the beach. Very nice, girls. I thought you already met some guys.” To which they respond, “Yeah, and we wanna keep them.” NOOOOOO! Sorry. I hate to view things through that lens, but after spending so much time on Tumblr and Twitter (especially in the current climate of the country) it just rubs off on you! Ugh. You can’t escape it! Anyway, Ren tells them about Gil and the whole fin thing and they find it absolutely hilarious.

Out on the ocean, Twitty and Zack’s crew are bummed because there are no waves. Zack angrily says “Pfft! I wonder why…” And gives Louis the nastiest look as he comes paddling up to them all happy. I feel so bad. Zack yells at him for bringing his board into the shack and breaking the lucky surf idol. The gang desert Louis and head back to the beach for lunch. Twitty sides with them saying “sometimes I just need to do my own thing, man” and leaves Louis alone in the middle of the ocean. My poor baby. :(

I will not stand for this! Protect Louis Stevens at all costs. 

Louis goes back to the beach and once again walks right through Tom’s sandcastle. Come on, man! You could’ve walked around it, lol. It’s not even like he was running.. he was casually walking. I can’t. He goes to the dock and finds Ren with binoculars looking for Gil. The two of them have a “conversation” that’s not really a conversation. It’s just them going back and forth ranting about their own problems without actually listening to the other. It’s a cute sibling moment, haha. I actually really love Louis and Twitty’s friendship, though. They’re like an old married couple in this episode. I think it’s adorable. During this scene Louis is so fed up with Twitty ditching him for Zack, so he decides to go surf on his own. Meanwhile, Ren is ranting about Gil being real, knowing what she saw and that she’s not crazy.

“At least your best friend didn’t ditch ya. He’s hanging out with his ~new~ surfer buddies. They’re probably having a good’ol time. Laughing, eating onion rings. Twitty doesn’t even like onion rings! Ya know?! So, it’s weird. He’s probably faking like he likes them!” I love this.

Ren decides to go out on the ocean in a boat and call for Gil by making dolphin noises. She brought sardines to lure him with and everything. This is pretty funny and one of my favorite scenes because it’s rooted in miscommunication. Plots with comedic miscommunication are one of my favorite things ever and it’s executed really well here. Naturally, Gil pops up from the water. Like... I’d believe he’s a merman, too. Why is he out there in the ocean all the time?! What was he doing underwater?! How long was he under?! How was he breathing?! All valid questions. 

How creepy is that?! lol

He swims over to Ren and tells her he was getting Lobsters for his dad, King Neptune. I’m dead. She’s like “Wow. So you really are a sea person…” - “Yep, born and raised!” he says. This is gold. Then we get a super cringy, awkward moment. After a tiny bit of flirting, Gil proceeds to dramatically kiss Ren????? Slow your rolls, buddy. That’s a little fast for Disney Channel, don’t you think? They just met 2 hours ago at the most, and Ren is in middle school. I’M TELLIN YA! THESE KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE JUNIORS AND SENIORS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I SWEAR! It’s the only logical explanation for certain stuff. 

Beans is a freaking idiot who hovered his metal detector over peoples’ pocketbooks and crap all day and stole their personal belongings. But he refers to it as “buried treasure.” How stupid can you be?! Like I said, he’s pretty useless here and did not need to be included in the episode. Plus, you know I’m not the biggest Beans fan. Finally, we see him hover the detector over a tip jar in the shack. He goes to steal all of it before Tawny stops him. Tom comes over and announces that the Lost and Found is open, yelling out all of the items in Beans’ bag lol. There’s one bit where Tom shouts “ONE GOLDEN……. oh geez, this is mine” and sneakily puts it in his pocket. Uh. What the heck was it?! Do I even want to know? Can anyone tell what that is?

While everyone’s in the shack sulking over the lack of waves, Twitty decides to go out and attempt to surf again. While he’s sitting out there, a freaking giant wave comes out of nowhere and sweeps him away. Louis notices and runs to Twitty’s rescue! They don’t skimp on the dramatics here. Louis kicks into full Baywatch slo-mo mode with an 80s knockoff power jam “You can count on mEeEeeE, I will always beeee thereeee for youuUuUuU” playing in the background. So good.

One thing I really like about Even Stevens is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. They’ll throw in giant computer generated waves, and a terrible green screen job - but it doesn’t matter. It’s not supposed to look good, it’s supposed to be funny. It doesn’t need to look real to sell the moment on this show. (Christy said something similar on the movie’s DVD commentary!) If this scene looked realistic, the episode would pull a 180 and turn into a drama. That’s not what they were going for, haha. 

A totally not superimposed Twitty getting swept away.

Louis cracks me up. Literally anything out of his mouth is funny because of the way Shia phrases it. Once he rescues Twitty he says “You know what’s funny to me? That the worst surfer in the world is havin’ to save Hot Shot Surfer Boy over here.” They proceed to argue like an old married couple some more. Twitty says he never called himself Hot Shot Surfer Boy. Louis calls Twitty two-faced and insists he buy him a Philly Cheese Steak to apologize. It’s so petty, I love it so much. When suddenly… ANOTHER WAVE COMES OUT OF NOWHERE! We get a wonderful Louis Scream as they frantically paddle. They end up briefly surfing the wave together. 

Twitty: “DUDE THIS IS SO AWESOME THIS WAVE’S LIKE… 10 FEET OVER OUR HEADS!” Louis: “DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT, TWITTY! I’M STILL MAD AT CHUUUU!”

Louis falls off and disappears into the sea, which is hilarious looking. But, also awful because if this was a drama, he would’ve died. But, anyway. Twitty comes riding up to shore and everyone surrounds him with praise for conquering that gnarly wave all by himself. Meanwhile, Louis washes up to shore covered in seaweed. This poor child. The two of them share one of those conflicting ~emotional~ moments where one person knows they’re being a jerk and looks off sadly at the person they’re letting down. :( Thankfully, Twitty tells the truth when Zack asks him how he caught the wave and everyone’s shocked that Louis actually did something right.

Ren’s sitting on the beach when some guy approaches her, and she realizes it’s Gil…? But, he’s walking? With legs? And then everything gets cleared up. “King Neptune” is the name of his dad’s seafood company, and he swims with a uni-fin flipper. I almost wish there were more layers of miscommunication! It could’ve been even funnier.  

Louis and Twitty end up having a heart to heart while sitting in Tom’s sandcastle. It’s precious. I wish I had a friendship that tight. Instead I’m sitting here, indoors, blogging about a fictional friendship. Twitty apologizes for ditching Louis, and Louis apologizes for inviting himself. But, Twitty says he’s glad he did because he might not be alive. “Yeah… The whole save your life thing. Whatever, it’s all in a day’s work.” I love Louis. How could you not be this guys friend?! To this day, I wish I had a friend as funny and chill as Louis. Dang. Twitty even bought him a Philly Cheese Steak! Aw. They split it and it’s a nice moment. But, as they’re eating.. they have to throw in a bad line. “Huh. It’s a little dry, isn’t it?” Louis asks. Cue another giant CG wave. Get it? Now the sub isn’t dry anymore! Hah..hahaa..ha…? I never thought that line was particularly funny. It’s almost on par with this terribly cheesy (and insensitive) deleted scene from Titanic. But the visual of them getting hit by the fake wave while sitting in a sandcastle is one of those things that will always cheer me up. I can’t look at that without laughing.

And that’s it! The episode ends with a random Twitty-Stevens Connection music video "Dawn Patrol" lol. The song always gets stuck in my head. Ugh. It’s so cringy in the best way. I actually love some of the bloopers they included. But, hey! Who’s the rando on bass? Beans became their bassist earlier in the season. They use Beans for a throwaway metal detector plot, but don’t have him play bass in the band he plays bass for. Okay. Also according to the episode credits, AJ Trauth actually wrote the song! Haha, awesome.

So, yeah. My opening statements pretty much sum up my feelings towards this one. But, one distracting thing I feel like mentioning is that this episode uses one too many unflattering fish-eye style close ups? WHY?! Look:

One too many! ONE TOO MANY! Paul Hoen directed this one. He still directs for Disney today, btw! I wonder what made him decide on this? It really stood out to me and gives the episode a bit of an offbeat, quirky feel. 

Thanks for reading guys! I feel like these posts are getting longer and longer. I have to reel myself in here. (Okay, no pun intended there.) As usual, chime in below. Are you one of the people on that old forum who thought this episode sucked? I personally like it a lot and was tempted to rank it higher!

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Thankssss!

[pryde-the-manticorn]

You may be interested to know I just spent 2 months in mental hospitals and I can't believe I lost most of my springtime and my graduation to mental illness.

My cat passed away in my arms and I snapped. Under high stress I can become psychotic. Last time it happened was 5 years ago. Discovered the hard way that I am both ADHD and autistic. Maybe that head injury when I was a kid exacerbates it, but manic depression runs in the family, probably other stuff too.

Became preoccupied with the last guy who bullied me whike psychotic, I'm innocent of harassment by reason of insanity I guess but I just wanted money as payment for getting in my head and hurting me like that.

We talked online for TWO YEARS and he has the gall to call me "they" behind my back and throw his temper tantrums that way as a huge loud and intelligent cis man everyone is too afraid to challenge on anything. And he seemed so... Not transphobic, it just made no sense. Must be a game, I thought. A puzzle. I'm 5'6" athletic build and pretty as a delicate flower. No one takes me seriously.

I felt like everyone was toying with me. My life was so awful and people were hurting me so much despite how much I know human beings are good and they're all the hero of their own story, that it was all a joke, and soon the veil would he lifted. I'd get every apology I ever deserved and I'd get to see the new Splash Mountain with Princess Tiana, Navine, and the gator with the trumpet which I saw as a metaphor for me.

And I felt like I deserved to direct or be studied for the next Godzilla movie because trans men are the most hurting, I was so angry and fed up and sarcastic. I sat in the middle of a road until the police showed up. I dealt a lot with the police generally. That first hospital messed me up more. Injected me with something that gave me some kind of near-death experience that re-enforced my delusions.

Tried to keep me in the women's ward and I literally piss and shit until they took me to the co-ed acute ward.

Second hospital toyed with my head in just the right way and now I'm back. I didn't know an old internet friend would be there. And he had another seizure because he thought I was angry with him. He's sensitive. Probably why he never goes on Facebook anymore. I can't believe the first time I see an internet friend in person I see his face unconscious from a distance and the nurse is his sister and can't stand me. How do you cope with something like that? I'm so sorry. Fuck.

Very few cis straight white men in those wards. Systemic injustice and trauma will make you snap.

And it runs in my family for women, and now me, go gaga for douchebags. We think we're supposed to constantly be criticized to stay smart and good people. It started with my Cherokee great grandmother Ora May. I can't believe the Cherokee got forced off this beautiful land with all the lush hills and the caves into fucking Oklahoma. I can't believe I got all of this generational trauma and none of the community. How could you people fucking do this to us GOD I wish I had the money to do something but at least language classes are free, osda

Now I want to finally start living my life at 24 but my siblings are nursing me back to health until I'm off lorazepam because that first ward broke my ability to SLEEP. Video games feel like a waste of time and I'm always looking for ways to make money.

Have to wait until the 24th to get testosterone again, because apparently even at the good mental ward, that's "outside their wheelhouse." I guess. I'm trying to get my insurance to pay for this this time.

Ask me for my redbubble shop I guess