#but then we went to see san jose and friends!!!! all around!!!!! people giving me headpats holding my hand etc

[corpsentry]

here i give u poem or wtv

[hereforbords]

(We Will Still Be) Friends Forever

Well, this wasn’t supposed to be posted until this later this week sometime, but in honor of Michigan winning the Big 10 Championship, I decided to release it early. :)

Sequel to “Baby, what the deal? We can chill”. Takes place about 2 years after this. Stole the title from Vitamin C’s song “Graduation (Friends Forever)”

For @owenpowpow (who let me be dad!Bords anon and listened to me) and @hockeyboysarehot (who asked for the other boys to make a guest appearance). Hope you like it!!

***

You and Thomas had decided to wait until after you had graduated to have the big, fancy wedding of your dreams; you had done the whole county courthouse thing before Thomas had went to San Jose, and there had been so many FaceTime calls, visits (both of you working your schedules around), and every time the Sharks came to Michigan, you two spent the whole day together.

You had kept in contact with the other boys as well. Matty was tearing it up in Seattle, Owen was doing well in Buffalo, Briss was having a good time in Vegas, Kent had fit in well in Columbus, and Luke (and Jack, who you’d adopted as another surrogate son) had made New Jersey his home. 

You had also become mom to the last couple years of UMich boys as well. You had your original boys that were graduating with you too, but you’d somehow become the team mom.

Thomas had come in the night before- he had gotten special permission to miss his practices and games for your graduation. You sat down with him and pulled up a team FaceTime. You talked with the rest of the boys and they all told you how proud they were of you. You told them thank you. Bords promised to stream the ceremony so they could see it. Before they hung up, Bords told you he was taking you out for a celebratory dinner. You let him, and as you ate, you confided that you were getting nervous about the ceremony.

“Don’t be babygirl. You’ve got this.” He said. “I am so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I’m glad you were able to make it.”

“Me too. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world babe.” He said. Little did you know, he had a big surprise in store for you.

*

In the morning, your nerves really start to act up; you let Bords help with your hair and as he was clasping your necklace, he said, “I am so proud of you mama.”

“Thanks.” You said, twirling your wedding band around your finger. “I’m nervous.”

“I know you are, but don’t be. You earned this. You deserve all the attention and celebration. Come on, let’s go. It’s time.” He left you at the graduate section and went to go find a seat.

Your leg was bouncing the whole time during the ceremony. Finally, they called your name. As you walked across the stage, you heard a “That’s my girl!” Leave it to Bords. You couldn’t help the smile that came across your face. You managed to walk across the stage and back to your seat without falling (which you counted as a win). The ceremony concluded, and you waited until Bords came to find you.

“Hey. I am so proud of you.” He said, giving you a hug. “Congrats grad.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. “I have some people who are very excited to see you too.” He led you towards a group of people.

As you got closer, you couldn’t help but notice that it sure looked a lot like Owen (his big 6’7” frame stuck out anywhere); your suspicions were confirmed when he yelled, “Mom!” and came running over to you.

Your mouth dropped open as one by one the group of people turned around, and there were your boys. “How? What?” You asked.

“We had to be here, mom. You supported us and were there when we won the Big 10 Championship, so we had to come and celebrate your accomplishments.” Briss said, coming over to give you a hug. “Though, if anyone asks, I was in Detroit the whole time.”

“Noted.” You chuckled.

Next up was Matty. “I am so proud of you.” He gave you a hug. “I couldn’t have missed it if I wanted to. You were always there for me and I wanted to be there for you. Although, you’re my best friend if anyone says anything.” He chuckled.

“Alright.” You looked over to Bords. “You better be sending me a list of who says I’m what to them in case I get asked, cause I won’t remember them all.”

“Got it on my phone already.” He said, pushing Luke towards you.

“Thanks for everything over the years, and for adopting Jack too and helping us out. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Luke. Who am I to you?” You teased.

“Childhood family friend.” He chuckled.

Kent came up next. “Congrats. Thank you for always being there and listening to me, and always taking my calls, no matter what time of day it is.” He paused. “I don’t have any excuse for you to use. I’ll take the heat if I get caught.”

“Anytime.” You said, starting to feel tears come to your eyes. “If you get in trouble, call me and I’ll call the Blue Jackets and explain the situation.”

Finally, Owen came up to you. “Mom. I am so proud of you. You are so awesome and you deserve it all.” He said, giving you a hug. “If Buffalo asks, I went to see my second mom graduate.”  That’s when you lost it. The tears started falling. “Hey, don’t cry.” Owens' arms were holding you close.

“They’re happy tears, I promise.” You said, looking at your boys surrounding you. “Thank you all. Bords, I know you planned this, so thank you.”

“All the boys were in on it.” Bords said. “But you deserve it all, so it was a no-brainer. Come on, we have one more surprise for you.” Bords said, grabbing your hand and leading the way.

You had learned to trust your boys a long time ago, so you let yourself be led along the path back to your house, where it had been decked out in blue and yellow crepe paper. When you opened the door, a lot of blue and yellow balloons came flying out. You laughed. Of course the boys would do something like this. Then you saw the banner- Congratulations Mom!- with all the boys’ signatures on it. They made you sit on the couch, and one by one, they brought you a gift.

After the gifts, Bords pulled the cake out of the fridge. He made the boys crowd around you and get pictures first before you could eat it. After cake and pictures, you had to get the boys back to the airport so that they could make it back in time, and then it was just you and Thomas in the house.

“I am so proud of you.” He said, grabbing you and spinning you around before starting to sway back and forth with you. “I saved the best present for last.”

“Oh?” You asked. Today had already been so perfect, and you didn’t think it could get any better.

“I know you just graduated and there’s a lot going on, but I would love it if you would move to San Jose with me.” He said, letting go of you and going to the table by the door and pulling out a key on a heart keychain. “You don’t have to decide today.”

“Yes!” The word was out of your mouth as soon as he finished. “I’ll get my stuff shipped out there. I want to be in the same place as you again. I’ve missed your cuddles.”

“Then it’s settled.” He grinned. “I have to get going so I can get back for the next game. I’ll see you when you get to San Jose. I love you.”

“Love you too.” You said. “Come on, I’ll drive you to the airport.”

*

Being in San Jose had been awesome. You and Thomas still kept up with the boys via FaceTime, and you went to the games that they boys played each other. They still called you mom too and asked for your advice. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

(And you got your big, fancy wedding in the off-season; all the boys were there, as well as your families, and while you didn’t need anything to prove your love for one another, it was nice to share it with your loved ones.)

[rinkrats]

🥺 that mike lange story. But also those tags #sid loooves christmas #he loves giving presents #looks good in red #piles on the pounds fast #post hockey career as santa 😂😂👌🏽👌🏽

he loves his mementos and presents and is COMMITTED to them. scrapbooking. matching jackets. little pills with hidden motivational messages~*~ his love language is gifts and neck smooches and stalking geno. relevant right now are some anecdotes i sent a friend earlier this year for dorky sid gifts fic fodder:

1. Crosby's constant thoughtfulness would be impressive from anyone, much less someone of his stature.

"Sid always texts me happy birthday, he's always asking me like, how's Russia?" Evgeni Malkin said. "We talk and message all summer. He asks me how my skates are. He knows, like, everything. He follows my Instagram, I think (laughs)."

In addition to having a handle on those little details, Crosby is constantly providing those around him with memories and mementos. If the team is on the road and goes, say, sightseeing or to a sporting event and takes a group photo, Crosby will later send a framed copy to everyone.

When Ron Hextall and Brian Burke watched their first Penguins game in person, Crosby is the one who approached head equipment manager Dana Heinze and asked for two used game pucks to give to the new GM and president of hockey ops. 

After the Penguins won in 2009, Crosby had jackets made for the three players on the team who had scored a Cup-clinching goal in Game 7: Talbot (Pittsburgh), Ruslan Fedotenko (Tampa Bay) and Mike Rupp (New Jersey).

"They were blue jackets with gold buttons, and each one had a patch on it that said 'GWG Game 7,'" Talbot said. "At one of our first team meals the next season, he presented us with the jackets and did a big ceremony with the music and stuff. We had a private room in the restaurant. I still have the jacket."

-The Consummate Teammate, Captain and Ambassador, Feb 2021

2. Merz: My first interaction with Sid was when we were on the bench, guys were talking about a teammate, and the first thing this 15-year-old says is, “Hey, guys. Let’s keep everything positive. Don’t talk about your teammates that way.”

Salcido: When we were getting ready for nationals, he found these little pills that you could put a hidden message inside. They unscrewed, and inside was a tiny scroll. He gave one to every teammate. … He had everyone fill one out. He didn’t tell anyone what to write, but he made it known that we all knew what the goal was: winning nationals. So we wrote on our scrolls, rolled them up and put them in the pill thing. We kept them with us everywhere we went.

-‘Is this real?’: Stories of Sidney Crosby’s year at a Minnesota prep school, May 2020

3. On “Butterfly Boy” Jonathan Pitre:

Though the Senators are his team, Sidney Crosby has always been Jonny’s favourite player. After the TSN documentary airs, Tina gets a call from the Penguins. Sid needs Jonny’s measurements. He wants to have a suit made for him by his personal tailor, Domenico Vacca.

“It’s the kindest, sweetest gesture,” Tina says. “Sid heard that Jonny went to a lot of games, so he wants him to look like he’s one of the guys.”

“I want him to feel like a pro,” Crosby says. “Here’s a guy who is going through something so painful, and his first thought is always, ‘How can I help others?’ When I was young, I’d watch on TV the players coming to the rink in their suits. That was a cool part of being an NHL player. I want him to feel that, to make it as real as possible for him.”

Tina tries to discreetly measure Jonny while she’s changing his dressings. But he’s way too smart for that.

“Um, Mom, why are you measuring me? Am I going for surgery again?” he asks.

“No, no!” Tina replies, trying to reassure him and come up with a good lie, all in the same breath. “The doctor needs them just to make sure they have proper dressings next time you are in.”

A few weeks later, the sharp navy blue suit shows up at their front door, along with a couple of ties, an autographed stick and a handwritten letter from Sid. 

“His eyes just light up,” Tina says. “Jonny always liked to be well-dressed, and he just loves having his own suit. It fits perfectly. He looks so good in it.”

-Beauties by James Duthie (2020)

4. Pascal Dupuis inspired his Pittsburgh Penguins teammates on their run to the Stanley Cup, and Sidney Crosby found a special way of driving that message home.

Dupuis retired in December with lingering health concerns because of blood clots. Despite his NHL playing days coming to an end, the veteran forward remained an integral part of the Penguins and was in uniform to hoist the Cup after Pittsburgh's six-game win against the San Jose Sharks in the Stanley Cup Final.

On Sunday, Dupuis brought the Cup home one last time as a player to share a special day with his family, friends and hometown fans.

"Yes, it does feel bittersweet a little bit," Dupuis said. "You get the Cup, you want to celebrate. But at the same time I got a gift by the mail [Saturday]. Basically, it's a book of all the pictures of all the good stuff we went through. It came from Nova Scotia, so you guys can figure out who it came from (Crosby), but he couldn't give it to me during the season, he saw me skating a little bit.

"And he sent it [Saturday], before my day with the Cup, so he knew what he was doing to get me right here," Dupuis said, putting his fist over his heart.

-Pascal Dupuis shares Stanley Cup with family, friends, Aug 2016

5. In 2011, Crosby was out of the lineup with a concussion, and the Penguins made their annual visit to Children’s Hospital.

Crosby got along so well with one boy there and was so touched that he later asked Bullano to go back... just the two of them, no cameras, no attention.

When Bullano and Crosby met for the follow-up visit, Crosby appeared clutching a pair of Toys “R” Us bags, filled with a Transformer toy the two had discussed.

“He literally bought every type of this toy they make,” Bullano said. “[Crosby] had never seen it before and thought it was so cool.

“There are no pictures of this. There’s no video. He was laying in the bed with the kid. They were just playing. We were there for over two hours. I got to know the mom really well because we were just sitting there.

“The kid had no idea. Didn’t expect it. They had no idea he was coming. We got there and he said, ‘Hey buddy. hope you don’t mind that I came back.’ The kid couldn’t believe it.

“[Crosby’s] crazy cool about stuff like that.”

What’s crazy is trying to recount the many times stuff like this has happened with Crosby:

• The Little Penguins Learn to Play program has been around for nine seasons, outfitting now 1,200 kids with free head-to-toe hockey equipment. Not only does Crosby serve as the face of the program — which the NHL has now adopted — but he helps fund it, too.

“There’s an awareness of what a person in his position can bring,” Penguins vice president of communications Tom McMillan said. “I think he activates that as much as anybody I’ve seen during his playing career.”

• After a recent practice, Crosby noticed a local family in the Penguins dressing room, approached them, introduced himself, learned their story and wound up giving them a signed stick.

Nobody asked Crosby to do that, and he wanted zero credit when discussing it a couple days later.

“For people who have the opportunity to come in here, people dealing with certain things, if you can brighten their day a bit or spend some time with them, it’s something that’s special for all of us,” Crosby said.

• A few years ago, through a team charity event, Crosby befriended a 4-year-old Amish boy with cancer. Crosby remarked to Bullano how much he loved talking to the boy because of how engaging the boy was and how he wasn’t consumed with technology. Crosby even tried to visit the boy but learned he had passed away.

• He learns the first and last names of the kids who attend his hockey school in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia.

“Two kids came from Japan its first year,” Bullano recalled. “He was so blown away by that. He couldn’t wait to meet them.”

• Earlier this season, the Penguins welcomed Grant Chupinka, 24-year-old cancer patient, into the dressing room. Crosby chatted up Grant and his parents, Steve and Kim.

He spent his usual time — about two or three times the requirement. Gave the tour. Then found out the Chupinkas didn’t have tickets for that night’s game and decided he would pay for them to go.

“I’m sure he could just give them an autographed puck or something, but he takes his time to go out and see them and talk to them and get to know them,” Brian Dumoulin said. “It speaks volumes for him and who he is as a person.”

Spend any length of time with Crosby during his visits with those less fortunate, and a few things become obvious.

One, Crosby is really good at these. Smooth but not in a slimy way. Sweet. You know how when you’re around someone talking and they go out of their way to make eye contact with everyone around? That’s Crosby.

He’s also humble, always introducing himself like those he’s meeting don’t already know. Holding a hand is no issue. And Crosby is the rare 20-something pro athlete without kids who acts every bit like he does.

“It is not an easy situation to talk to someone with terminal cancer,” McMillan said. “A lot of people couldn’t do that. He has an amazing ability to do that and make that person feel good.”

Crosby has welcomed several Make-a-Wish kids and tries, if at all possible, to schedule such events for practice days — to maximize the time he’s able to spend.

He’s developed a special friendship with Patrick McIlvain, a soldier who nearly died when he took a bullet to the head in Afghanistan. McIlvain actually does physical therapy with one of Crosby’s sticks.

A former club hockey player at Cal U, McIlvain comes by every year, and the Penguins don’t even bother to tell Crosby. Either he already knows or immediately stops what he’s doing to come say hello.

“He’s not doing it to leave a legacy,” said Terry Kalna, Penguins vice president of sales and broadcasting. “His numbers leave the legacy. He’s just a down-to-Earth, good guy.”

Before a visit, Crosby has Bullano email him what is essentially a scouting report on who he’s going to meet. He likes to learn about them, their situation and what they’ve been through. As much information as he can ingest. Crosby never just swoops in, shake a hand and leave.

“As much as anyone has ever seen, he accepts the responsibilities of being not just a professional athlete but a star professional athlete,” McMillan said. “He views it as part of the job. Like coming to the morning skate. That’s just what you do.”

Put another way, “he owns those moments,” says Kalna.

Said Bullano, “He’s just a good human being.”

-When it comes to giving, Sidney Crosby does as much as he can, Feb 2017

6. When Crosby received a generous signing bonus on his Reebok deal, he wanted to share it with everyone.

“He gave everyone on the bus gifts,”  says Oceanic radio commentator Michel Germain. “Him sharing his bonus with all the people he’d been travelling with for two years, that impresses me greatly. I think the most important thing about Sidney Crosby is his personality and the kind of human being he is. What he exuded. The inner richness he’d already developed.” 

-Superstitious and generous, Dec 2006

7. also this simply because it makes me ;w;

Even in defeat — no, especially in defeat — Sidney Crosby proved why he wears the "C" for the Penguins.

After the game, with his heart sinking and his season over, the Penguins’ captain bent over, sank to the ice to pick up the puck, took it to linesman Tony Sericolo and then skated to his team’s handshake line.

I immediately thought of a View from Ice Level I’d written on Crosby making sure a retiring official was sent away from PPG Paints Arena properly. I knew picking up the puck wasn’t for the same reason that was, but I also knew, in some way, it was connected to Crosby’s awareness and respect of the game.

“It was for the Islanders,” Crosby told me after the game, his eyes swollen from a first round exit – by way of a sweep to make it worse. He told me how the winning team always wanted the puck, and it was his way of providing it for the Islanders.

Crosby looked me right in the eye as he told me this, just as he did with every other member of the media to come to him after the loss.

I could tell from those swollen eyes and the way he sat at his stall, by himself with his hands folded as he stared blankly, that Sidney Crosby is much more used to being on the receiving end of a puck when a series ends than he is at retrieving it for the winning team.

That scene. His swollen eyes. Staying in the locker room until most had left – talking to anyone who needed him. Most of all, though, picking up the puck that prompted my question in the first place and making sure the right people got their piece of their own history.

It all adds up to one thing: In victory and in defeat, Crosby respects the game above all else – just as he’s always done.

-Even in defeat, Crosby shines, April 2019

[xplrvibes]

I was the anon that brought up the research thing and i wanted to add this regarding the Winchester House if anyone was curious because that video irritated me so much i actually almost tried to contact them about it as if that would do anything lol. Anyway, enjoy:

Most of what is said about the Winchester Mystery House and particularly Sarah Winchester in general is pure marketing fluff that has been sold to the public for over a century in order to sell tickets with no historical evidence to back it up. 

The basic history of the Winchester House is that a woman lost her entire life, became one of the richest women in America due to inheriting everything her late husband left behind, moved out to San Jose, CA to be with her remaining family and started building a house for herself - likely as a family home but also probably because she didn’t know what to do with all that money. Rumors spread about her primarily because she was so recluse and reserved, no one ever saw her and one San Francisco Chronicle newspaper article circulating was the jumping point that turned her into a living ghost story in the public eye. After she passed away, the next couple that lived there started embellishing the already existing false rumors as a means to sell tickets for tours eventually turning Sarah Winchester’s house into what is now: the biggest tourist attraction in the San Jose area.

There are two reasons the house looks the way it does - what with its architectural oddities like the staircases to nowhere and door to the outside that could easily kill you. The first is that the house was once much larger than it is today. I believe the tallest point was once 7 stories but in 1906, a major earthquake hit the area and many of those stories came crashing down. They never rebuilt upwards, just around some of the destroyed areas. The second being that Sarah worked as her own architect on the house even though she had no experience with that type of work. No other architect would do what she wanted and eventually she just said “fuck it, I’ll do it myself,” and many of the weird parts could simply be her trying to correct her own design flaws. She even wrote about the annoyances of that in her journal that we have.

You know how they always say shit like, “this is the exact bed she died in”? Completely false. All of her furniture was sold after she passed away. I don’t think we even know what the house looked like inside when she was alive because she was an extremely private individual. We only have one singular picture of her from all the years she lived in San Jose and it’s not even what you would consider a good picture.

She most likely wasn’t obsessed with the number 13. The references to it were added after she passed away. My favorite example is in the Seance Room (which I’m convinced they call it that because we don’t know what the fuck it is, it very well could have been a giant coat closet for all we know). They always say “and on the wall you’ll see 13 hooks” because oooooh spooky but if you were lucky enough to get a sassy, sarcastic tour guide who didn’t give a fuck, they’d include, “and if you look closer you’ll see the marks from where we’ve taken down the 14th and 15th hooks.” 

There’s absolutely no evidence she went to visit a medium. I have no issues with that personally and I always tell people to remember that she literally lost her husband and newborn daughter within a year of each other, so if she wanted to try to communicate with them, who gives a shit but nobody knows if it actually happened. It’s most likely completely fabricated. Not to mention, seances at the time weren’t really what we see them as today. They were essentially parties you would invite your friends to, they were social events, she wouldn’t have been doing them alone as the story says.

Many builders and servants who worked for Sarah actually tried to clear her name of the rumors in the press after she passed away but it fell on deaf ears as the legend of mediums, spirits, and haunted houses had already been completely absorbed by the public and still is to this day to the point that it’s insanely difficult to find any real sources on the factual story or even Sarah as a person and it’s all a bit sad to me honestly.

It's so fascinating how urban legends can sometimes take over the real story and become the real story after time...all because they are more interesting to the public at large than the truth.

Poor Sarah- being remembered forever, but being remembered for a story made up about you and not who you actually were. What a comedy of errors.

Thank you for sending this in!!

[citylightsbooks]

A Women’s History of City Lights: Interview with Nancy J. Peters

We'll be celebrating Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s 102nd birthday on March 24, and what better way to remember his legacy AND to mark Women’s History Month, than to honor Nancy J. Peters, Lawrence’s business partner, friend, and longtime comrade at City Lights Books. While Ferlinghetti certainly deserves all of the accolades he’s received, the fact of the matter is there would literally be no City Lights without Nancy Peters. Beyond shepherding City Lights through various fiscal crises and providing the steady anchor that allowed Ferlinghetti to travel the world as a poet and activist, Nancy's vision as an editor and acumen as a publisher were a vital key to the success and longevity of City Lights Publishers.

 ***

City Lights: How did you come to know what City Lights was? How did you meet Lawrence Ferlinghetti?

Nancy Peters: In Greece in the early 1960s, I became friends with Nanos Valaoritis and Marie Wilson who were at the center of an international bohemian/surrealist community. They had a large home which was always full of traveling writers and artists whom they made welcome. The Beat writers were among their guests, and City Lights was frequently talked about as a place everyone would meet up someday. I met Philip Lamantia there and in 1965 he introduced me to Lawrence in Paris at one of Jean-Jacque Lebel’s anarcho-surrealist festivals of free expression.  Before a riotous crowd Lawrence gave a show-stopping rendition of his “Lord’s Prayer.” I was impressed by his powerful stage presence. Later that year, when Philip and I were living in Andalusia, Lawrence wrote Philip, asking for a selection of poems for a Pocket Poets Series volume. We corresponded some while we were putting the book together, but I didn’t see him again until 1971 when I moved to San Francisco.

I’d been working as an executive-trainee librarian at the Library of Congress in the fall of 1968. In April, Martin Luther King was assassinated and the impassioned protests that ensued left Washington neighborhoods in ruins. There was shockingly little assistance to residents from the government and my part of the city was under military surveillance, helicopters hovering over my apartment through the night. A Moratorium to End the War in Vietnam took place in Washington the following year. Over 750,000 people peacefully demonstrated. In a small way, I was involved in the planning and, during the protests, my apartment was crammed with fellow activists.

The Library of Congress was an amazing, fascinating place with compatible co-workers from all over the world—thousands of book people all in one place. However, the mission of the Library is to serve Congress, and the institution was a huge conservative bureaucracy serving a conservative and ineffective Congress as I saw it. I believed that if I stayed there I would have little contact with actual books or opportunities for civic activism.

So I moved to San Francisco, where Philip was living and urging me to come, and spent an enormous amount of time at City Lights while I was job hunting. It seemed like paradise, such a stimulating atmosphere where people could sit down to read, share ideas, and have conversations about books, politics, art. One day in early 1971 when I was walking down the street in North Beach, Lawrence hailed me and asked if I would like to help him with a bibliography of Allen Ginsberg’s writings.  After just a brief meeting at the publishing office, Lawrence went to Europe and his editorial assistant Jan Herman suddenly decided to move to Germany. Jan showed me how all the editorial work was done in the office, told me Lawrence “wouldn’t mind,” and so I found myself beginning an exciting new career in publishing.

 What was your experience taking over as executive director and co-owner in 1984?

The store back then employed seven people: six men at the bookstore and one (me) at the publishing branch. So “executive director” is far too grand a title. City Lights was a small, failing organization by 1982. The store was not founded to make profits for the owners and it never did make a profit. Breaking even was the goal. But every year the losses mounted and there came a time when there were very few books left on the shelves. No one had seen a customer venture downstairs to the lower part of the store for many months.  

At the time, Lawrence was immensely popular and in great demand as a performer and a speaker, so he was traveling much of the time, visiting foreign colleagues, living abroad, finding new writers to translate. At this low point in the store’s history Lawrence told me in a frustrated moment that if I’d like to own City Lights, he would give it to me outright if I would run the business, freeing him to do all the other things he wanted to do. I declined, but told him I would be honored to be his partner. Theft was seriously addressed, and a protracted payment plan was agreed to by Book People, the East Bay employee-owned distributors who extended us credit for a generous period. Savvy booksellers Richard Berman and Paul Yamazaki headed the re-stocking plan. The three of us would go every week to Book People and Lou Swift Distributors to collect enough books to sell the following week. As time went on, everybody at the store consulted book catalogs and took on the responsibility for buying subject sections. I envisioned a participatory structure. If not a co-op, I wanted a bookstore where all the staff had responsibilities and power.

Why the decision not to have multiple bookstore locations around SF?

At one time we seriously considered additional locations. We explored sites in San Francisco’s Mission district and visited city officials in San Jose to talk about a second store there. But our resources were limited, and we were concerned about the time and money that would be required to create a sister store that would embody the same spirit and ethic as the original. During my time as director, the evolving challenges from chain stores and especially Amazon made beginning a new store a very risky enterprise. In retrospect, so many independents were closing that we decided to invest in our present, iconic location. In retrospect I think it was a good decision after watching attempts by other stores fail to duplicate their success elsewhere.

How has North Beach changed, how has it stayed the same? With the exodus of Big Tech and falling rents, how do you think that will affect North Beach and San Francisco in general in the future? Will there be “a rebirth of wonder”?

North Beach when I came to SF was a small bohemian village, where neighbors shared meals on their flat rooftops watching the sun set over the Bay. My rent was $125 a month, cheap even then. City Lights and the Discovery Bookstore (used books) next door to Vesuvio were key places to spend an evening. Two large Italian grocers delivered (no charge) bags of groceries up four flights of stairs to my apartment. The neighborhood was full of inexpensive Basque, Italian, and Chinese restaurants, and many cafes, many of which seemed unchanged since the 19th century. Change happens, and City Lights is well prepared for the future. It’s never easy to predict how things will develop, but the feeling of a lovely Mediterranean town persists, with the wooden buildings painted pastel colors, and the shimmering sea light on misty days. I feel certain that the light of City Lights will prevail for a long time to come.

 Do you feel that your gender had any impact on your experience during your 23 years as director? Do you have any comments about women in bookselling or publishing in general?

Gender always has an impact. The Beat movement was certainly male focused. Even though the undaunted Diane di Prima was recognized, she was never enthusiastically supported by the inner nucleus of Beat poets. It was a long time before the Beat women came into their own. From the start, Lawrence, who insisted he wasn’t a Beat, had eclectic tastes and was open to women’s poetry. He admired Marianne Moore and Edna St. Vincent Millay as much as he did T.S. Eliot, Jacques Prévert, and Allen Ginsberg. In the Pocket Poets Series, he’d published di Prima and, very early in the series, both Marie Ponsot and Denise Levertov.

Women’s rights and opportunities are always vulnerable and cyclic. The Women’s Movement of the 1970s was very powerful and widespread, its impact on women’s lives enormous. At City Lights we hired more women; we published more women. There have always been outstanding women in publishing and bookselling, and during that time increasingly more women writers were published, reviewed, and were given accolades and awards. Women opened general bookstores and women’s bookstores, founded feminist and lesbian presses. It was a thrilling development, to see so many marginalized writers, and not just women, finding established publishers or creating their own presses. Together they created a larger, much more diverse national literature.

I’ve had the pleasure of working with many talented women at the bookstore. And in the publishing branch: Stella Levy, Kim McCloud, and Patricia Fujii. Gail Chiarello collected and edited our bestselling Bukowski stories. Annie Janowitz proposed the timely Unamerican Activities, and Amy Scholder brought us classics by Karen Finley, Rebecca Brown, and others. I’m happy to say that Amy Scholder is again working with City Lights as an editor.

When did you meet the now current publisher and executive director Elaine Katzenberger? What was her position at the bookstore? When did you know that she was the right person to take over as director?

Ah, Elaine, the woman who can do everything! Elaine began at the bookstore sales counter, then reorganized files and the store accounts, and very soon excelled as a book buyer. She had a great feeling for good writing, so I asked her to become an editor and she immediately began adding excellent books to City Lights’ list. She’s smart, witty, multitalented, and politically astute. We are very lucky to have her at the helm.

What is your understanding or vision of what of City Lights is and what it could be? How has Lawrence’s passing impacted this?

Lawrence’s democratic inclusiveness made him the best-selling poet in the U.S. His moral principles, his courage and resilience are a model to be emulated. He conceived City Lights as an educational institution that would open minds to explore and relate to the world through books. “One guy told me he’d got the equivalent of a Ph. D just sitting in the basement reading all our great books,” he often reminded us.

His “literary gathering place” was to be a fulcrum of San Francisco cultural experience, where our bookselling and publishing could amplify the voices of diverse experiences, connect with other creative communities, and serve as a center of dissent and, at the same time, a force for creating a better society.

Lawrence’s vision will continue to be our guiding light. An optimistic realist, he believed that City Lights would long endure as the co-creation of all the dedicated people who work here and make it what it is.

[vgckwb]

P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 63: Mass Disruption

As people were walking into school the next day, Makoto noticed Ren. “Ren-chan!” she shouted, capturing her attention. Makoto ran up to her. “Um, while I do think a break is important, I mean, I’m still feeling a bit worn out from Mementos, I do have a few other things I need to do these upcoming days. Of course, you are in charge, but…”

Ren smiled. “Does tomorrow work for you?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah!” Makoto exclaimed.

“What are you talking about?” Ann said, joining them.

“Well, uh…” Makoto said, taken aback.

“Good morning senpais” Sumire said, meeting up with them.

“Uh, good morning,” Makoto said.

“Yo” Ryuji said, rushing up to meet them. “What’s bonkin’?”

“Erm, ‘bonkin’’?” Makoto repeated, confused.

“Yeah, I’m tying it out,” Ryuji said. “What do you think?”

Makoto was a bit confused. “Well… I don’t think I’d use it.”

“Huh,” Ryuji replied.

“I like it,” Ren said.

“Yah! Now that’s what I’m talking about” Ryuji said.

“So, what ARE you guys doing here?” Ann asked, still wondering, and a little annoyed.

“Oh, well, uh,” Makoto stammered.

“We were discussing going into the palace tomorrow,” Ren explained.

“Oh” Ann said. “I’m fine with that.”

“Yeah, same” Ryuji said.

Sumire nodded. “That actually works really well for me. My competition is next week, and I want to practice as much as I can before then. So doing it earlier works out.”

“Oh, right,” Ann said. “I guess that means sending out the calling card might have to wait until after.”

“It would?” Makoto asked.

“Yeah” Morgana said, popping out from the bag. “We usually have to secure our route first, and then we’d need another break.”

“I see,” Makoto said, fascinated with the inner workings of the Phantom Thieves.

“I’d think we’d still have time,” Ryuji said.

“Yeah, but we’d be cutting it a little close,” Morgana retorted.

“It’s alright” Ren said, scratching Morgana’s ear. “We ARE the Phantom Thieves after all. What would we be without a little dramatic tension?”

“Hm. I see” Makoto said.

“You seem pretty quick to agree to that,” Ryuji said.

“Well, I feel like it’s easier to go with the flow when it comes to you guys,” Makoto explained. “And maybe to life in general at points.”

“But you’re still not going to say ‘bonkin’’?” Ryuji inquired.

“Mmmmmmmm, probably not,” Makoto answered.

“She has her own brand,” Ann explained.

“Thank you, Ann,” Makoto said.

“I should message Yusuke and Jose,” Ren said, taking out her phone and doing just that.

“Well, we should head in,” Sumire said. “We don’t want to be late, you know?” The others nodded.

On their way in, the Shujin thieves noticed Hikari, the girl whose heart they changed, talking to a boy. “Um, so what I’m trying to say is...I’m Sorry!” Hikari said. “Would you ever forgive me?”

The boy smiled. He hugged her. “Of course.” Hikari was surprised and started crying. He changed positions from a hug to a face to face meeting with him grabbing her shoulders. “I’m crazy about you.”

“I’m…” Hikari said through her tears, “I’m crazy about you too!” She rushed in, burying her face in his collarbone. “I just didn’t know how to show it until now.”

“Hm” the boy said, wrapping his arms around her. “It’s OK.”

As they witnessed this, Makoto smiled. “I’m glad they could work things out.

Sumire shed a single happy tear. “Me too.” They then proceeded to go to class.

After school, Ann turned to Ren. “So,” Ann said. Ren looked up. “We’re going into the palace tomorrow. As it just so happens, I have a photoshoot today. I was wondering if you’d like to come along with me.”

Ren smiled. “That sounds like an excellent idea.” The two girls got up and started heading out.

On their way, Ann couldn’t hold in her excitement. “GAH! I can’t wait!”

Ren looked at her. “What’s got you so giddy?”

“Ah, well,” Ann said, kind of embarrassed. “This is just the first time I’m bringing a friend along.” She stopped, causing Ren to stop as well. “I was always told I could bring a friend along, but Shiho and Ryuji were always busy with practice and stuff. And then, well…”

Ren placed a hand on Ann’s shoulder. “It’s OK. The important thing is you have the chance now.”

Ann perked up. “Yeah! I can do this!”

“That’s the Ann I know,” Ren said, smiling a mile wide. They continued walking. “So, where are we heading?”

Ann got out her phone. “I’m not exactly sure myself,” she admitted. “Apparently, some other models didn’t show up, so I was called in to replace them.”

“I see,” Ren said.

Once they got there, one of the cameramen noticed. “Hey! Takamaki!” he shouted. “We’re just setting up!”

“OK!” Ann replied. She then noticed another model. “Oh my gosh” she said, dramatically grabbing onto Ren. “It’s Mika!”

Ren looked at Mika. “That other model?”

“Yeah” Ann said, letting go. “I’ve never worked with her before. I’m a little excited.”

“I can hardly tell,” Ren said, sarcastically.

“Shut up” Ann said, playfully shoving her.

Mika took notice of this, and grinned maliciously. She put on a cheery face and walked over. “Um, you know it’s not nice to shove people like like that” she said, mimicking a caring voice

Ren and Ann were somewhat confused. “It’s alright, really,” Ren explained. “We’re friends.”

“Oh, I see,” Mika said. “That’s great!” She turned to look at Ann. “So, you’re Takamaki-san.”

“That’s right,” Ann said. “And you’re Mika, correct?”

Mika gasped. “You've heard of me?”

“Of course!” Ann said, cheerfully. “I’m so glad we get to work together!”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Mika said. “So, why did you want to be a model?”

“Huh?” Ann said, surprised. “Oh, uh, well, I guess my parents put me up to it, you know?”

Mika then broke her nice look. “Are you telling me you don’t even WANT to be a model?”

“Huh?” Ann said, confused. “No, I jus-”

“Everyone’s working their hardest, and you’re just floating in, blissfully unaware?” Mika interrupted.

“No,” Ann said, getting angry. “But I-”

“And after they asked you to come down here to help, you can’t even bother to give it your all?” Mika continued.

“ENOUGH!” Ann shouted, catching everyone’s attention.

Mika then went into fake “WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” she wailed. “Takamai’s yelling at me!”

“Takamaki! Did you make Mika cry?” a cameraman asked.

“Well, I-” Ann tried to explain.

“You know what? We can do this with Mika alone” the cameraman explained. “You can just go home until you can control yourself.”

Mika looked up at Ann and Ren and smirked. Ann grrred, but couldn’t do anything about it. Mika put her fake tears back on. “Are you sure?” Mika asked.

“Yeah,” the cameraman answered. “We don’t want to upset you.”

“Oh, thank you,” Mika said, walking back.

Ann huffed and walked away. Ren followed her. Ann was still frustrated. “What was THAT?”

“Do you want an honest answer?” Ren asked.

Ann looked at her. “If you lied, I could probably tell by now.”

“You say that, but I haven’t told anyone I’m the leader of the Phantom Thieves” Ren retorted. “I’d like to think I’m good at lying.”

Ann giggled. “You know what I mean.” Her face grew a little more serious. “In all seriousness, I know I just got played by Mika. It’s just so frustrating, you know?”

“I get it,” Ren said.

“But do you know what the worst thing is?” Ann asked. Ren looked at her for an answer. “I think she might be right in a sense.” Ren was worried. “I mean, I’ve been on the fence about modeling. Sometimes, I even wanted to quit.” Ren was about to comfort Ann, when she snapped into a fury pose. “But now, I’m thinking about Mika being on the cover of the magazines, and people aspiring to be like her, and that makes me SO MAD!”

Ren chuckled. “I was going to say ‘don’t let her get to you’, but I think you’re doing alright.”

Ann simmered down. She looked at Ren and grinned. “Thanks.” She became a little frustrated again. She sighed. “I’m still not sure what to do though.”

“Well, since she appears to be cheating, we have a way to punish that sort of thing,” Ren suggested, holding out her phone with the Metaverse app.

Ann smiled. “Thanks, but I’d rather do this fair and square, and on my own terms.”

“Hm” Ren smiled, putting her phone away. “Well, the option’s always there if you want it.”

“Thanks,” Ann said. She started chuckling softly, but then it grew. “You know, before, I feel like I would have just accepted it. The whole ‘I’m not good enough’ thing. But with you, Ryuji, Shiho, and, well, everyone, I’m starting to feel like I am good enough.”

Ren smiled. “Trust me when I say this: The feeling’s mutual.”

“Hah!” Ann laughed. “You didn’t need to worry. Like I said, I could probably tell when you’re lying.” Ren started laughing as well. The two girls laughed with each other in the middle of the sidewalk, not caring about the people giving them weird looks.

Lovers-Ann Takamaki: Rank 5

Meanwhile, Sumire was at practice. Everyone was taking a break. Suddenly, the gym door busted open. Everyone looked. Sumire was shocked to see it was Daisuke. But not as shocked as the girl next to her. She was a bit shorter than Sumire, but a bit more muscular, and had short black hair in a bob-cut. “Kimi!” Daisuke called out.

“Daisuke?!” said the girl with the bob-cut. “What are you doing here?”

Daisuke ran over to meet Kimi. He took hold of her hand. “Kimi. I...need to apologize.” Kimi was surprised. “I...I made a huge mistake. I got caught shoplifting something, and this guy...he was pressuring me into becoming a bully. I felt trapped. So, I broke up with you before I could hurt you in a way that I couldn’t bear.

But, after getting some help, I realized the error of my ways. I apologized to the store, I paid them back, and I made it up to them. And that other guy has apparently stopped blackmailing me. He was blackmailing other people too, can you believe it?”

Daisuke sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m such a lousy person. I wanted you to hear the truth. I couldn't stand you just wondering why forever. I’m sorry I’m such a lame person. I hope one day you can forgive me.” Daisuke started walking away.

Kimi was stunned for a second, but then gathered herself enough to shout “Daisuke!” Daisuke turned around. Kimi grabbed his shirt collar, and pulled him in for a kiss. Needless to say, Daisuke was shocked. Once she let go, she said “Today is that day.” She closed in and hugged him. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.” She looked up at him. “But please, don’t leave me again like that. You’re the sweetest, kindest, gentlest person I’ve met. You’re my best friend, the love of my life, and the one I want to spend my life with. If you ever make a misstep like that again, I want you to be honest, lean on me. Because I would lean on you.”

Daisuke was stunned and embarrassed. Once he regained his composure, he said “You’re right. You’re always right. I’m sorry. I promise to lean on you whenever I need it.” Kimi gave him a kiss, this time on the cheek. They both smiled.

Just then, everyone else started clapping for the two of them. Sumire wrapped her arm around Kimi. “Way to go, Kimi!”

“Ahem!” Coach Hiraguchi said. “While this is all very lovely, I think it’s time we get back to work.” Everyone went back to put their stuff back down and start working on their routines again.

Daisuke started to walk out. “So, competition coming up?”

“Yeah!” Kimi answered.

“Great!” Diasuke said. “Text me the deets later! I’ll make sure to come!”

Kimi smiled. “Will do!”

Daisuke returned the smile. As he was heading out, he got stopped by Coach Hiraguchi. “If you do anything like this again, I wouldn’t worry about the person blackmailing you. Understand?”

Daisuke was a little scared. But he looked her dead in the eye, smiled, bowed, and said “Yes Ma’am. It won’t happen again ma’am.”

Hiraguchi smiled. “That’s what I like to hear.” Daisuke nodded and left.

Kimi chuckled slightly at her coach intimidating her boyfriend. She started to stretch. Sumire was stretching next to her. “Congratulations again,” Sumire said.

Kimi smiled. “Thanks.” She did some more stretching. “You know, with Daisuke and I getting back together, I feel like I can go the distance in this competition!”

Sumire smiled and quietly said “Me too.” She continued her stretching before going back into her routine.

Later that night, after she and Ann split up, Ren decided to head to the church in Kanda to see if Hifumi was there. Despite her trepidation, she did want to take her up on her kind offer. Once she got there, she said “Here goes nothing.” She took a step in. “Well, I didn’t burst into flames, so that’s a good start.”

She then spotted Hifumi. She was playing shogi in one of the pews. Ren walked over and sat beside her. “Hey.”

“Oh” Hifumi said, sort of shocked. “You’re that girl from yesterday.”

Ren nodded. “Ren.”

Hifumi smiled. “What made you decide to come here tonight?”

“Well, I just needed somewhere to think,” Ren explained. “And since you so graciously offered…”

“I see,” Himfumi replied.  She then made another move on her shogi board. Ren looked on. “Would you like to give it a try?” Hifumi asked.

“Huh?” Ren said. “Oh, no. I would be no match for someone like you.”

“It’ll be fine,” Hifumi said. “I learned by playing against my dad, and he is also a shogi master.”

“I see,” Ren said.

“I find shogi helps clear your head,” Hifumi continued. “It also helps you think on your feet better.”

Ren could use some of that. “Well, if you insist.” Hifumi started to reset the board. “Hey” Ren said. “Thanks.” Hifumi smiled, and continued setting up the board.

They started playing. As expected, Ren was no real match to Hifumi, but she did try. However, that didn’t do her much good. After one of Ren’s moves, Hifumi said “The dragon which governs the blue sky has fallen into my hands. How do you intend to survive this?” She made her next move. “Check.” Ren was looking at the board. “It’s checkmate no matter how you look at it. It would be best to concede.”

Ren looked up. “Concede?”

Hifumi nodded. “It’s better to admit defeat with grace and dignity.”

Ren smirked. “I see. Well then, I guess I concede.”

Hifumi smiled. “Very astute.”

“But despite that, I had a good time actually,” Ren admitted. “Would you want to do this again sometime?”

“Huh?” Hifumi said, surprised. “Oh. Of course.” She looked off. “I...actually had fun too. So, I would like this to continue.”

Ren was silent for a bit. “Hm” she shrugged. “I thought you’d be bored playing a novice like me.”

“Well, that might be the case for some people,” Hifumi began, “but I like practicing new moves and thinking of new strategies. However, I find it better to do this while playing against someone else, and playing against someone elite at the game can tip your hand when trying to engineer new strategies. Besides, no one wants to play with me…”

“I see…” Ren said. She smiled. “Well then I guess I’ll just have to keep coming back here.”

Hifumi was shocked. “You mean it?” Ren nodded. Hifumi smiled. “Well then, I hope you’re prepared. I’m not going to go easy on you.”

“Of course,” Ren said. Hifumi chuckled. She then realized she was doing that, and stopped herself. Ren smiled at her, affirming their new friendship.

I am thou... Thou art I… Thou hast acquired a new vow...

It shall become the wings of rebellion that breaketh thy chains of captivity.

With the birth of the Star Persona I have obtained the winds of blessing that shall lead to freedom and new power.

Star-Hifumi Togo: Rank 1

After another round of shogi, which Hifumi won handily, the two girls exchanged numbers went home.

[tracynotabi]

Riptide Day 0-1

So I wasn’t going to record my time in Ohio, just because I forgot to take pictures and we weren’t really mobile, but looking back, there were just too many memories to forget and I just really wanted to share with everyone how much fun this community is, despite the fact that we were canceled.

Most people will be referred to by their names, but I’ll introduce them with their tags first. If you see this and would like your name removed/changed, please let me know.

Also, some of this is not a perfect play-by-play because I am writing purely from memory.

Also, please note, there is degeneracy.

Thursday; September 9, 2021

Starting off the day, Kevin (The Doctor) and I had basically no sleep. We woke up at 7am PDT (read: 6:30am but too lazy to get out of bed) after getting to be around 4-5am mainly because Kevin wanted to hang out with his friends in Discord before he leaves them for the whole weekend. Me? I was just procrastinating on packing.

Joey (Big Large) texts in our group chat that we never got rid of from Emerald City that they’ll be at my place in 10 minutes with Ivan (Ivayne), because they were driving up north from Elk Grove, which is about 20 minutes south of where we live.

The plan was to drive to Robert (PotatoesAreYum)’s place and then make the two hour drive to San Jose, where we would catch our 1:45pm flight.

Why did we do this? Because our tickets were canceled for Blacklisted 6 and we couldn’t get refunds so we only had credits to work from, but apparently, Sacramento Airport did not have available flights to Ohio that were by Alaskan Airlines.

We took off, leaving Sacramento and heading to Davis. Part way through, we get a text from Robert asking how far out we were, because he had to poop, but we were 11 minutes out.

Robert, the descriptive man he is, describes that his poop was ready to crown, so he was good. I thanked him for the visual, because goddamn, I needed another one after getting a Snapchat from Joey the night before of his ass hanging out in jorts.

Robert: At least I didn’t sent a picture like Joey. But if you want a picture, I could send you one. Me: I would cancel your flight.

We end up driving south to Kevin’s brother’s house, where we tried to find a Jack in the Box that was on Google Maps. We spent about five minutes looking for it before ultimately giving up and going to a Hawaiian BBQ/Donut shop. We were just as confounded as you are probably right now. Food was OK.

Kevin’s brother insisted the Jack in the Box was there but for the life of us, we could not find it. He took us to the airport and off we went to Chicago. Yes, they played Smash at the airport, because this is what Smash players do. 

They also played on the flight. Sidenote: there was this very loud cat in the aisle across from me that was meowing like crazy.

Flight from Chicago to Cleveland sucked. It was hot and cramped and they took our baggage away.

We land in Cleveland at about 11pm? Parker (Boringman [Sip Mastah]) was waiting for us at our gate because he had landed an hour before us.

We go down to Ground Transportation to reach our shuttle when I read the little red tag one of the flight attendants gave me. It said that our baggage would be given to us at the end of the flight.

... Well, we had just passed through security and going down the escalator at that point.

Well, fuck.

We run into Washington at baggage claim and I’m panicking because I have no idea if our luggage is going to pop out at baggage claim. Joey, Kevin, and I go up the escalator - the WRONG escalator and we go up a flight too much. We go back down and the airport’s just empty.

Makes sense, it’s 11pm EDT and there’s not a single worker in sight.

Robert texts us saying our luggage popped out and I hate life because the wording on the ticket, I swear, implied it wasn’t going to come out of baggage claim.

We go back down, grab our luggage, say bye to Washington, and head on our to the shuttle wait area.

There, we run into Luke (Yung Quaff) and Will (Twisty) from Massachusetts. Apparently, they had been waiting for the shuttle for over an hour and it was about 11:30pm at this point in time and we’re so tired because we’ve been travelling the whole day and there were people waiting for us to goon with.

We get to the shuttle and it’s an hour to the resort. Crying inside.

We check in and our room is on the other side of the resort from Guttey and Spencer (Mr. Watch and Learn)’s room even though they provided our confirmation number when they got their hotel room. What the hell.

Seeing everyone in that room was so amazing. I can’t remember everyone there exactly, because let me tell you, that room at one point probably had more people than it should have and we most definitely violated some kind of fire hazard.

Friday; September 10, 2021

Twisty ended up staying the night in our room because we had a two bedroom, two bathroom suite with six people. Our suite had a king bed, two queen beds, and a queen pull-out from the couch. Joey and Robert - the two largest people - stayed in the king bed. Kevin and I shared a queen. Ivan had a queen. Parker had a queen. Though I believe the first night, Parker and Ivan shared the queen (?) and Twisty stayed on the pull out.

Twisty barrel-rolled the whole night.

The bed squeaked so much it was insane. I think it only really bothered me, but that was fine because the guys needed their rest more than I did.

Spencer, the god that he is, ended up driving from Long Island to Ohio, and he offered to take us to go get some groceries for his room and us at Meijer.

It seated five, but I don’t really count as a full human size-wise, so I sat at Kevin’s feet, who was sitting in the passenger seat, underneath the dashboard, while Guttey, John (Gluteus), and Luke sat in the back.

Shoutouts to Meijer. Had a ton of awesome stuff.

A bunch of wings and thighs that probably weighed as much as a chicken itself plus 2 Liter Coke for $8.

It was all a blur, but we ended up in the Chad Room at some point - the Presidential Suite, just as crews were starting.

We end up meeting Yuko, who had a very large speaker about the size of me curled up. He ended up making an entrance and there’s a video on Twitter where you can just hear Joe (Qtip) go, “I’m scared.”

Also ran into Zoey (Frost) again. :) Haven’t seen her since she left NorCal. We ended up just talking a bit, catching up, before I think Kevin needed me to go back to our room for a Wii.

I ended up walking entirely back to our room on the other side of the hotel - next to the convention center, getting out Wii, only to find out two things:

1. We didn’t have composite cables. 2. There was no other outlet.

We ended up getting kicked out after Qtip’s team won anyway.

Can’t remember anything else, other than the goon was too hard and too real but if you would like for me to include anything that happened while I was there, let me know! :)

[ren1327]

Sweet Survivor Ch.9 Final

He moaned as he woke up, hearing a loud but steady beep to his left.

Why was his right side so warm?

He took another deep breath and heard a hum in his ear from the warmth under him.

“Kenji?”

His vision cleared and he found Ben pressed against his side in robe matching his, legs and feet bare.

Ben had bruises on his collar and a cut on his lip. But he was smiling at Kenji so brightly, Kenji swore he had never seen him look so beautiful.

Kenji was in a bed with him curled against his side, an arm around his neck.

If this was heaven, he would enjoy eternity in Ben’s arms.

“Did I die?” He asked him, leaning close to kiss him.

“You better had not!” A voice said from over them, startling them apart.

Kenji looked up to see a short plump woman with mocha skin, her curly black hair put up in two panda buns. Her soft cotton shirt that said “Property of Kon Incorporated” stretched over her baby bump. Her soft green eyes looked down at him in worry and he wanted to cry as her always warm hands stroked over his cheeks.

“Mijo, you scared me!” She crooned and took Kenji’s face in her hands and kissed his forehead. Ben moved back to give them space.

Kenji sniffed as she used her thumbs to brush away his tears before they fell.

“Candy?” Kenji asked. “Where am I?”

“You passed out from blood loss, Kenji.” She said, voice shaky. “Your father got you and your friends private rooms. Ben is technically supposed to be in that bed over there, but…”

She chuckled and hugged him. “Neither of us could leave your side.”

The Puerto-Rican smiled sweetly, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I want to tease you, but I’m just so happy you’re safe. Your father was a mess and little Carmen kept kicking as if to tell us her big brother was still…”

She sniffed loudly, looking up and fanning her face. “Dios mio…”

Ben smiled at Kenji, who finally looked around to see he was in a large private room, a bay window looking out over a busy city. He and Ben were in hospital robes, the lights turned low and a curtain most likely hiding the other bed and the door where he could hear people passing by.

“You’re in San Jose, Papa.” She said. “We’re staying at my old apartment.”

“We’re…We got away.” Kenji said.

“We did.” Ben said. “And Bumpy is okay from what I saw…”

Ben shook his head, schooling his anguished face into a shaky smile.

“Candy was telling me how she and your Dad met when he first came here to see Jurassic World.” Ben said. “And we just kept talking.”

“Yes.” Candy said, sitting on a plush armchair with a groan and stroking her belly. “Your Dad went to go pick up your friends families. Ben told me about Toro and Bumpy and the suck-os.”

“Suchos, Mom.” He said and Candy squeaked.

“Baby boy, you’re lucky I can’t get up right now or I’d smother you with love.” She said with a blinding smile, reaching out a hand and waving it like a fan.

Kenji took the hand she offered, noting her nails were bitten and chipped. He looked at her again, noticing how red her eyes were. How tired she looked.

“So,” She said. “I’m assuming I’m going to be getting use to my future partner hanging around?”

“What?” Kenji asked.

“Ben here has some amazing ideas for new products. A white tea mask with carob seed extract? I had no idea it could be a daily moisturizer!” She said. “That nice girl, Yazmina? She had packed a lot of things in hers and Sammy’s bags, including a book Ben said you gave to him and he has been going off about how different plants can be crushed, or oils extracted. I always get so bored when my scientists tell me this and that, but Ben really has a zest for this!”

She waved her free hand around excitedly. “I’m thinking a new daily skin care line! The launching off point of my new and improved company!”

Ben smiled up at Kenji. “She likes my ideas.”

“And I need to try that banana carob loaf.”

“Ben!” Kenji exclaimed with a blush.

“I’ve was working on that vest of yours, honey.” She said and held up his vest with thick black stiches holding the claw marks together like torn flesh. “I can get it repaired at home.”

Kenji laughed, imaging Candy struggling with the needle and her excited face when she would make the thread connect the two sides.

“Thanks Mom.” He said again.

“Oh, Baby boy.” She said as the door opened.

“Candela?” Mr. Kon called.

“Kosei!” She called. “They’re awake!”

A woman with a messy brown braid threw the curtain open.

“Ben!” She yelled and gathered Ben in her arms, picking him up like he weighed nothing, holding him like a toddler. She was petite and thin, but obviously had hidden strength.

“Whoa! Mom—" Ben said, holding on tight to her shoulders.

“Oh, my baby! I’m so sorry! I will never ever force you to do something you don’t want to ever again—”

“Sandra, he might be injured!” A broad blond man in a rumpled and stained button up said. The poor guy looked like he lived off coffee and pure anxiety.

“David!” She hissed, making him flinch back. “I thought my son was dead yesterday!”

“Ma’am?” Kenji asked.

Her big blue eyes snapped to Kenji. Her husband came up next to her.

“He has a bruised tailbone, so he should take it easy.”

“O-Oh…Was he in the same bed as you?” She asked, looking very confused as Ben hugged her back and swung his legs down to stand. His father pulled him into a hug too.

“Hey, Son.” He said, voice thick as he rubbed Ben’s back.

“Hey Dad.” Ben sniffed and turned to hug his mom again. “I missed you guys so much!”

Mr. Kon sat next to Kenji and stroked his hair.

“Mrs. Pincus?” He asked in his stern voice.

Ben’s mom looked at the man in the clearly expensive business suit. “Oh, yes, Mr.…?”

“Kon.” He said. “Kosei Kon.”

“Of Kon…” She swallowed. “Kon Incorporated?”

“Yes. I am very sad to hear of what happened to Simon.” He said, face falling as he bowed his head.

“Yes. He was a good man.” She said softly. “It’s going to be hard without him. And I know it will displace a lot of good people who loved him, loved working for him…”

“Do you have a resume handy?” Candy asked from her seat.

“Candy!” Mr. Kon scolded lightly.

Candy blinked at her husband and pouted. Kosei stared her down and her bottom lip wobbled a bit as she stroked her baby bump. The older man’s cheeks reddened at the sight of her big eyes practically begging for something unspoken between them, and he sighed.

Ben was impressed with how she was able to break down such a stern looking man.

“Mrs. Pincus. My wife would like to rebuild her own business after our daughter is born and I…we were wondering if you would be able to help by joining her employ.” He said. “I was planning on asking you after our children had rested enough, but now seems as good a time as any.”

“I’m sorry, but how do they…how do they know each other? From the camp?” Mr. Pincus asked.

“He’s my boyfriend, Dad.” Ben said, making Kenji’s head snap in his direction.

“Kosei Kon’s son is your...” Mrs. Pincus said.

She sat on the bed.

“Yeah. We kinda confessed after I survived falling from a monorail when Pteranodons attacked us. After almost dying, like, more than once,” Ben said with a tilt of his head. “We thought it best to just be honest about our feelings.”

Mr. Pincus sat down next to his wife.

“Oh.” They both said at the same time.

 *

 “You’ll come visit, right?” Sammy asked as Yaz’s Dad loaded her backpack in the backseat of their cab and her Mom hugged both of Sammy’s Dads.

“Well duh.” Yaz said, taking her girlfriend’s hands. “Gotta come see my sponsor’s new investment!”

Sammy smiled and kissed her cheek, hugging for the umpteenth time.

Darius waved as his mom hugged him close.

“Don’t forget to message me!” Brooklynn called.

“Every day!” He promised her, sliding in his own cab behind his brother.

Roxy gave Brooklynn a big hug as her mom and aunt thanked Dave and Claire over and over, her aunt still crying happy tears.

Kenji held Ben’s hands as their parents waited for them in separate cabs.

Kenji rubbed his thumb over Ben’s bruised knuckles.

“It’ll only be a few months, right?” Kenji asked.

“Well, we need time to pack, pick a house and settle.” Ben said softly. “Besides…still…a little fast for me.”

“Scared of the B word?” Kenji joked.

“Scared of the expectations that come with being a boyfriend. Not to mention all the new things.” He said. “I mean, realistically…we might not even last.”

“Don’t worry.” Kenji said. “When you move to California…I’ll drive over whenever you want to see me and give you space when you don’t.”

Ben blushed and gave him a blank look.

“Who are you and what have you done with Kenji Kon?” Ben asked, making a face.

Kenji kissed the wrinkle over his nose. “I’m still Kenji. Being the best at everything. Including boyfriend.”

Ben leaned up and kissed his jaw. “You already are. No expectations needed.”

“Back at you.” Kenji said, kissing him softly. “Besides. I think my Mom and Dad love you too much for me to mess this up.”

Ben chuckled and smiled softly up at him. “See you later?”

Kenji put on his rose-gold aviators.

“You betcha, Sweet thing!”

Ben wrinkled his nose, but couldn’t hide his smile as they parted.

  THREE YEARS LATER…

 The shrill beeping of his phone went off.

Kenji took a deep breath and tried to sit up, but two arms refused to let him budge.

“Seriously, what’s with this grip?” Kenji whispered, trying to peel off his boyfriend’s fingers.

“No…” Ben whined, adjusting to hug him around the waist, the thin sheet covering their bodies falling to expose more of Ben’s skin.

“Baby, I gotta get my phone.” He said and Ben whined again, hugging a pillow.

He sat up and reached over to get his cell, seeing Brooklynn and Darius’s picture on it. He swiped it and sighed, seeing it was four am.

“What is it, Dino-Nerd?” He asked. “Ben has class tomorrow and I got a meeting I gotta shadow with my Dad—”

“Is Ben there?” Darius asked.

“My boyfriend of three years who lives with me? That Ben?”

“Kenji!”

“Yes! Ben is here!” He groaned and Ben sat up, pulling the sheet up to his chin. “Aren’t you supposed to be at Claire’s office or—”

“Put me on speaker.” Darius said.

Kenji tapped the button and sighed. “Done.”

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” He asked sleepily. “Did the relocation go okay?”

“Bumpy was moved.” Darius said, sounding out of breath.

“Yeah, you told me Zia said they were gonna be relocated to—”

“She wasn’t relocated to the island!” Brooklynn’s voice said suddenly. “We came to check up and—oh my god, they’re getting away!”

“What?!” Ben yelled, and Kenji hugged him close.

“I can see Claire and Owen!” Darius said in the background.

“Guys? Wait, then where is she?” He asked.

“She’s on the mainland!” Brooklynn said. “She was taken to Lockwood Manor and—Darius, duck!”

They heard a squeal. “We’re okay.”

“Lockwood Manor?” Kenji asked.

“She’s not the only one!” Darius said. “There’s so many! Wait is that…Toro?!”

“Get in the car, get in the car!” Barry yelled over the phone. “We’ll recon around the property and pick them up.”

They heard a far-off roar and the sound of an engine.

“Guys!” Ben yelled.

“We’re okay! But you need to spread the word! Get your families up north as soon as possible! We’re going to stay and help Claire and Owen!” Darius said. “There’ so many and I know Owen and Claire are going to need help. We hate to ask you…”

Kenji looked at Ben. His boyfriend nodded; determination set on his face.

“We’re in.”

[hazard-and-friends]

i watched the first episode of canine intervention tonight, here’s some uncensored liveblogging featuring my spicey dog training takes:

“my dog training system is known all over the world" mhmm. lemme google this guy.

by clicking through his in person training site to his online remote training course, i found a whole lot of big red flags: "Establish pack leadership" dogs don't have pack leaders. anyone who wants to make you a leader is not using a good understanding of dog behavior "Time your praise and corrections" the times when i use corrections are when i'm the least on my game. my goal is NEVER to use corrections/positive punishment. why should i? it's concerning that he uses it as a core part of his method. "Exercise and reinforce your leadership as a way of life" more leadership bullshit.

fancy letters are not the end-all-be-all, and there are trainers i seriously respect who have none of them. but they don't talk about leadership and corrections. it's concerning that he talks about his sports team as a kid, where he went to high school, and his celebrity clients, but not his mentors and education in training.

back to the show

why does his facility have enough dogs to keep them in kennels? how does that teach aggressive dogs how to be safe in a home environment?

not all of the dogs in the first shot of a class (~1:38) have two collars on but a lot do. that's not a red flag (i worked sydney in two collars [her flat collar and a martingale, because syd was very gear smart and it was nice to tell her that we were doing heeling now]) but with what i saw on his website? it's quite likely that one of those is the dog's normal flat collar with tags, and the other is a prong, choke chain, or electric collar

also: "I help the dogs that no one else will" is a flat out lie

if you're willing to take on any human aggression cases, generally you’re willing to take on all of them. now, some of these cases may generally lead to a recommendation of euthanasia. but that's in the best interests of the dog and owner

oop class shot where it's clear that they're wearing prongs

here's two points not about this guy specifically: 1) it is hard (impossible?) to do humane, ethical dog training in a 45 minute episode slot. it's not good tv. it's slow as hell. there's no drama. the aggression trainers i know? have never been bitten. many have never been CLOSE to being bitten. no tv value. 2) the positive dog training community is OVERWHELMINGLY white and middle class.

it's also full of racists.

"Nearly a million dogs are euthanized yearly and over 40% of them are pit bulls" i've calculated that first statistic myself, but it's important to put it in context: this is USA specific, and that's down from 3-4 million 20 years ago. the second one, i would love to see his source.

he's right that it's important to understand where aggression comes from

anyway back to those two points, at the same time that it's really, really hard to do compelling TV with ethical dog trainers, it's also really REALLY important that the positive dog training community be working on being anti-racist. and it's really, really important that low income dog owners and people of color are getting good dog training.

alright first case! he's had her 3 months, 3 bites in that time. 10 attempted attacks. she's a young adult bully breed mix who had one front leg amputated after being shot. owner walks her in a muzzle which is a) too small and b) not bite proof.

"I see what we're working with" he says, after approaching a dog in her crate. hazard responds similarly to someone coming in, but he's not a bite risk. that's not a good evaluation.

he is correct about lady macbeth's motivations: this is a dog who's scared as hell and making herself really big and scary so that everyone leaves her alone.

okay he's also right that playing with her around strangers is really, really good for fear aggression

"frenzied just chaotic state" yeah no

reality check for y'all: i am not an aggression specialist and i have seen more freaked out dogs

she was on edge! she was unhappy! but holy shit was she not even remotely close to what dogs are capable of

"she just bit me!" she nipped your cheek, not breaking skin. that's a level 1 or 2 (of 6). that's not NOTHING but it's well within normal for a dog who's being restrained when she wants to be somewhere else.

[note that at no point in the episode was the owner ever given any sort of indication that lady macbeth is not this horribly aggressive Pit Bull TM. nor was there any discussion of a bite scale.]

"The only option we're gonna have is to [board and train] for 3 weeks" "I have no choice but to take her back to my facility back in San Jose and work daily with her" no!!!!!

[15 minute break]

lmao sorry i had to go yell at gf about how much this board and train is not necessary and in the process penny decided to cause Drama again

ANYWAY, the b&t is not necessary because all of those aggressive incidents bar the first could have been avoided if the owner was on the ball. this is not JUST a lady macbeth issue, this is ALSO an owner issue. both of them need to relearn how to handle new people.

as a bonus, lady macbeth needs to learn to trust her owner, which she categorically cannot do in a b&t

"The box is an important training tool to teaching new behaviors. It's also a first step in establishing pack leadership" ok this is new to me

and new is not a good thing here

text: Obedience depends on a dog's trust and respect for their pack leader calculus depends on your trust and respect for your math teacher! if you respect them a lot you will magically be able to do calc!

I WAS HOPING. I WAS TRYING.

i was HOPING that his training for her fear aggression would be based in toy play.

instead he's got a fake arm and he keeps reaching out to poke her, and the owner says "no!" and does a leash pop (leash wrapped around her neck) every time she tries to bite.

"She doesn't know it's not his hand" it smells like plastic what would she THINK it is

also funky that we're 19 minutes into the episode about an aggressive bully breed mix and the trainer's childhood bully breed mix who killed a dog, and like. not a single mention of what these dogs were bred for.

let's go back to "how are you teaching aggressive dogs to live nicely in a home, if they are spending most of the day in a wire kennel"

for shits take, high school doesn't teach you how to handle your emotions! why should obedience class teach your dog the same?

and then like, every time she breaks the down he yells NOPE and leans over her??????

dude you're scaring her into being obedient. while you're talking about how it's important to treat her fear.

text: Fear based aggression can be reduced by desensitizing the dog to strangers you're right! it sure can! THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE

you've got a dog on her side with one hand over her, the other on a skinny check chain on her neck. every time she does anything but lay flat, the leash is popped and you say no. you are flooding this dog and creating learned helplessness.

jo summed it up well with this: he's good at seeing the behavior, he knows what he's looking at, he just can't change it. he only knows one method.

jo and i are now trying to figure out if "dog training but marie kondo not cesar milan" is a viable tv show

jas correctly stops the friend and changes how he approaches the dog, that's a good response

i'm laughing bc after a 3 week board and train which is not going to be less than $4k, he's giving the exact same "how to meet new people" directions that i would give to a similar client--at the start of our time! not at the end!

"I can't imagine imagine a dog having it too much worse than she did, the fact that she took a gunshot, the fact that she had no security for years of her life" alright dude a) think worse, this PALES to abuse cases b) let's not? shittalk? the care that people without reliable housing give to their dogs (and occasional cat!)?? because what they do for their pets is incredible, and it isn't necessarily connected to her opinions on strangers

so yeah still laughing bc like. that "happy ending" would be my first session with a client. that's how you START handling stranger danger. and for this the owner paid thousands.

[robthomissed]

Some thoughts on Jordan Binnington that no one asked for but I found his contract press conference very interesting

Okay, just gonna get this out of the way. Is Jordan perfect? Hell no. Has he made mistakes in the past? Absolutely. Will he make mistakes in the future? Almost certainly. But I do believe people can grow and I think Binner has that capacity. This is not an effort to redeem or defend him but merely me making observations and sharing my thoughts.

I just watched through the press conference and noted things I thought were interesting and tried to keep track of time stamps if you want exact quotes because this man's speech pattern can be hard to transcribe

2:00 – asked about how there are other goalies that make more money and haven’t won a cup but Army mentioned that he got the feeling from Binner that he wanted a good contract but was willing to maybe take a little less if it meant keeping a good team around him.

- Roughly paraphrased: “being on a competitive team matters to me. I’m not looking to crush the bank, it’s not all about money to me. At the end of the day what you look back on and feel in your heart is the memories made, competing, being successful, going through tough times and getting out of them, and being there for your teammates.”

3:00 – Asked if he has been able to reflect on his journey he took to get here

- First call was to parents/grandparents and talked to his girlfriend

- He then goes on to talk about taking a drive by himself around St. Louis and stopping and looking at notes in his phone that are from different times in the past few years about his mental and physical struggles

- He drove down to Enterprise just to reflect, then he drove past the Hilton by the ballpark where he stayed when he first came into the league, he thought about the baseballs games they went to during development camp, he drove past the restaurants where him and Eddy and the boys would eat dinner a lot. He talked about how those are the memories that stick out to him now and how proud he is of himself and the people around him who helped him.

5:00 – “I’m proud to be a St. Louis Blue. We already have so many memories made and I am very happy here in St. Louis, the people are so genuine.”

- This just made me happy. I have always thought that Jordan was happy enough here and wouldn't mind staying here but would maybe want to go somewhere else. Just the tone of his voice when he said this really struck me. He seemed to really mean it and it is nice to hear that he enjoys being here and that the people here are at least a small part of that.

6:50 – asked about his calculated personality and how sometimes he feels that he needs to do something like he did in San Jose

- He feels like reading situations and adapting is part of being a leader and sometimes you have to mix things up if stuff isn’t going your way

- It’s something he enjoys about his position. He sees that as an extension of his role as a teammate

- I personally love how sometimes Binner will just kind of lose it like that. He did it at least once before in juniors and so he knows when and how to do it. His teammates and coach love it and he knows that even if he is having a bad night in net that he can at least do something for the team. He has also said in the past that he believes that hockey is supposed to be entertaining so if he just doesn't have it that night then he should still do something to put on a show. I can respect that. Do I wish he didn't take a penalty for it in San Jose? Yeah. But in the end, I like what he did.

7:50 – Panger says hi to ask what kept Binner motivated throughout his struggles in the minors and Binner says hi back. It was just a nice moment and that is something I notice that happens with Panger a lot. The boys really respond to him and I think that speaks very highly of Panger.

8:58 – this man makes web diagrams which is so nerdy and I love it

- He talks about taking notes in his phone and putting in the work to get better. He seems really into introspection and reflection which I love. He acknowledges that it took a lot of work and meeting the right people along the way. All the simple things add up seems to be a theme in his life

10:00 – He talks about how the money isn’t what drives him it is more about making people realize that they should want to pay him that is his motivation.

- He talks about how he ended up in Providence with the Bruins organization because the Blues had nowhere for him to play. He talks about how good that was for him and how much he learned about himself and what it took to get to the next level there. The way he talks about us not having a place for him really stands out to me. He doesn’t seem upset or anything but it just feels like that put a fire in him to prove that we needed to make room for him.

12:00 – Asked about how if the contract hadn’t gotten done now that it probably would have been tabled until the end of the season

- “you’re in or you’re outright?” he would have been willing to go prove himself again and fight it out but he felt like this was a good deal.

12:45 – What is his motivation now?

- His motivation constantly changes. Lots of small goals that lead to bigger ones

- “We already have built such a great history in St. Louis, I wanna make the city proud. I want to continue to make my family proud. Just keep pushing myself to be the best athlete and person I can be I think that’s what keeps you alive”

Now I have been on record saying that I didn't think Binner had much loyalty to St. Louis or the Blues in the long term. Sure he would compete hard and be all in while he was here but I fully expected him to want to go somewhere for more money or where he might be able to be more of a spectacle since he enjoys the spotlight sometimes. But after hearing him talk here and some other interviews over the past year or so I think maybe he does realize how special it can be here. He is the goalie that brought us a cup and when you do something like that you are a hero forever.

I think Jordan is a little misunderstood sometimes in terms of how he emotes and the decisions he makes. he is very calculated about what emotions to show and when to use them. We call him Hockey Roomba for a reason. He reminds me a lot of a really good friend from high school who didn't look very exciting but once he trusted you it was a different story. I guess what I am trying to say is that Jordan is more emotional than we give him credit for he just controls them and channels them where he wants to.

Jordan also mentions respect a lot in this interview which was interesting to me. He seems to put a lot of emphasis on being a good teammate and having the respect of the people around him. He actually reminds me a lot of Jack Flaherty. They both have a high level of self-respect and compete from that mindset. They both aren't driven by money but expect to be paid what they believe they are worth. They both focus on staying in the moment and controlling what they can control and finding that inner fire to fuel them. And honestly, those are the kind of guys I want playing for my teams.

So congratulations Binner and I am happy you are here. Can't wait to see you keep growing as a goalie and a person.

[jillianallen14]

Goodbye, Bernie; Hello, us

A Love Letter To All Young People Who Are In Pain Right Now:

I saw an article today from a NYT journalist who did an interview with Bernie Sanders and wrote about it. In it, she says that saying goodbye to Bernie for a second time (knowing he won’t run again and might not even run for senator again) is possibly even more painful than the first time in 2016. In it, to give her hope, Bernie says, “When you look out and you talk to these beautiful, beautiful young people who want to move this country forward in such a decent, humane way, it really does inspire me. And to the degree that I have gotten those folks involved in the political process, yeah, I am very proud of that. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything in my life more important than that.” It made me cry. 

You see, I’ll carry this pain around with me for a long time, probably my whole life. I thought saying goodbye to Bernie in 2016 was rough, but I didn’t know how much more difficult this time would be. Because Bernie was the one who made me believe a better world was possible; he was the one who finally gave me words to describe what I already knew I felt and what I already knew to be right. And he gave me an incredibly large community of people to take solace in, and as one of the lone leftists in a intensely conservative pocket of California, that was irreplaceable. And I am 20 years old, and this is my first presidential election that I get to vote in. I’ll forever be grateful I got the chance to vote for him this one last time. But the pain I feel is real and will never go away.

I remember that bright, sunny, all-consuming hope I had after Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada. I remember how safe I felt in those few weeks, how I felt like the world was taking a turn for the better, and I got to watch it happen. I went to one of Bernie Sanders’ last rallies in San Jose two days before Super Tuesday, and I cried in the front row because I couldn’t believe I was finally watching a man who actually deserved the presidency inch closer and closer towards actually getting it. Those hours I spent there will always be special to me. But then I got back into my car and saw the terrible news: Pete Buttigieg had dropped out. And I knew what was coming, and, lo and behold, it did. And I watched in real time as all that hope just vanished and as I saw our chance at a better, brighter future just descend into disaster. I watched in real time as the Democratic Party derailed an election practically overnight, and it’s something I’ll never forget. They took my future from me, and, no, I am not being dramatic.

They took my future from me because I am mentally ill, and this society is killing me; I always feel like I’m living on borrowed time. I’ve had two suicide attempts, and I’m never sure at any given time how much longer I can hold on. I don’t know how much longer I can survive centrism and this country’s ever-increasing move to the right. The only thing this country is progressive on is our steady progression to the right, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I can’t describe the pain of watching a future you were clinging so desperately to in order to survive being ripped away from you, but I’m sure many of you know. Because I’m sure many of you experienced the same thing, be it because you’re mentally ill or because you’re a POC or because your family are immigrants or because you desperately need healthcare or because the rent crisis is killing you. This society is killing so many of us, and centrism won’t stop that. And I’m mad. God, I’m fucking furious because how dare they? 

How dare they ruin our chances and then tell us we’re the ones to blame? How dare they basically rig an election and then try to gaslight us into believing they won fair and square? And how dare they tell us to, “Stop crying and whining”? 

This was never about a man. This wasn’t about a singular politician. This wasn’t about Bernie; this was about us. This was about someone telling us that our needs and our desires and our stories and our voices are important, that we are being listened to when no one else will. This was someone telling us that our visions for a better future are not stupid, are not pie-in-the-sky, and that we aren’t alone in wanting that future. This was a fight for our fucking lives, for our livelihoods, so how dare they look at us with those smug faces and demand we stop crying after they tried to gaslight us into believing we lost simply because the policies weren’t popular enough?

They have so much contempt for the young people of this country, but Bernie never did. They relish in our pain and laugh at us as though our fear for our lives and our futures are simply “teenage angst”, but Bernie listened to us while they laughed. Even on his darkest days, Bernie tells us that this is about us, never him; he calls us beautiful and tells us that we’re inspiring, that we give him hope. And you know what? He’s fucking right. We are a beautiful generation(s). We are the most diverse, most accepting, most empathetic, most leftist generation, and we fight like mad. All you have to do is look at the BLM protests for proof. Millenials and Gen Z (and some Gen Xers) took the streets by storm and burned a fucking police precinct down to the ground. We’re not fucking around. We said we wanted a better world, and we were serious. 

So when they try to inevitably tell us in November that young people didn’t come out enough or that we’re to blame for Bernie not winning the primary or that we just sit around whining and never acting, I want each and every one of you to remember that we are beautiful, and we are here to stay. That we are the future, not these old ass boomers who refuse to embrace change and refuse to take us seriously. All around this country, young progressives are winning primaries against establishment democrats; all around this country, young people are rising up. I have leftist friends in college who are making the decision to run for city council positions. The change starts locally, and we are doing that work. 

And I want you to remember that no matter what, Bernie Sanders thinks we are the most important thing he’s ever done in his life and that he believes in us. And he’s right. 

I’ll never stop mourning what could have been if Bernie had been the one, but even though that’s over, even though we’ll never have that, I refuse to stop believing a better world is possible. And I’ll never stop fighting for that world, even if (like Bernie), I’ll probably never get to see it. 

Stay strong, unionize, join (or organize) protests when you can, take care of yourselves and your communities. They’ve made it abundantly clear that we’re all we’ve got. 

[kwonjaes]

Monroe has a lot going on right now, but you’d never know it. Coming straight to the Sirius XM studio, only an hour after shooting a sketch for his Saturday Night Live debut, he’s radiating unearthly levels of clear-eyed serenity. He’s wearing a distressed jean jacket buttoned to the bottom of his collarbones and seemingly nothing underneath. Black jeans paired with black vans, a classic ‘off-screen’ look for the singer, and carrying a plastic cup of green tea — “not my usual go-to for late night drinking but we’re keeping it clean tonight,” he jokes. 

The 23-year-old singer is a consistent breakout star—his last album had two No. 1 singles, Like A Rockstar and Ordinary Life, and he's the 12th artist in history to score back to back Number Ones. Yet, in spite of his super stardom, little is known about the San Jose native, who has sat down with Sirius XM for a candid chat about his music, personal life and meteoric rise to fame.

“Is this swearing or no swearing?” Not even fully situated into his special guest seat yet, Monroe is wondering if he can say “fuck” or not. 

When the verdict comes back “yeah all good,” he gives a pleased grin and nods. 

So July 9th is the release of your newest album, The Party & The After party, which we are so beyond ready for by the way. Feels like it's been a long time since we've gotten new music from you.

Yeah, wow thank you. I’m super ready for everyone to hear it too. I’m really excited for this one.

Every release you’ve given us so far has been incredible, and not only that, but has done insanely well too on the charts. I think it’s safe to say that this one, which is a loaded album with thirteen songs on it, the biggest one you’ve done yet, will not fall short of these high expectations. 

I mean I hope so. I’m actually really nervous about this one which I’m usually not. I mean there’s always some level of nervousness involved when putting something new out and the anticipation that comes with waiting, but this one — it’s not that I don’t think it’s good. I’m super proud of what came out of it, but you know, I think it’s different than what people are expecting. 

What separates this record from your other ones? What went into the process of making this one differently?

This album is sort of split into two sides, you know, you’ve got the party and then you’ve got the after party. I’d say the first half of it is more what’s expected from me. They’re actually songs that I’ve held onto and almost released for past albums but just didn’t think it was the piece they belonged on. Then you’ve got the after party which is where I… [pauses] This was where that stress really kicked in for me. There’s a song on there that I didn’t write called Anointed — and I write all of my music — but this one I didn’t and that was really new for me. I think you can tell I didn’t write it too because [laughs] there’s a lot of really heavy metaphors in it that go sort of beyond my own technique and writing style. But it somehow fit into this record the way I wanted it too and I remember sitting in beat production and going over the lyrics and knowing I really wanted it on the album. There’s a few like that, this new style of arrangement for me and it was more sort of, I don’t know, an innovative experience. 

Speaking of new music, you actually did release a song at the beginning of this month. The single 21 which was a surprise release right?

Right.

I think we were all a bit surprised by it and curious for a few different reasons. This is the first time you’ve officially released a song in Korean, and the song itself too is representing a different style for you. It's got an explosive chorus with lots of dance elements and bouncing low pitched synths — the most pop influenced release from you yet I'd say. Is this something we can expect from you with future releases?

Yeah, maybe. When I go into the studio or when I’m working on writing something new, I don’t ever think about how I can get this to sound like.. me. I don’t think I can really stick a label on myself when it comes to music. I like being unpredictable and I think that’s something I enjoy experimenting with. I pride myself on my fluidity between R&B, hip hop, pop or what the fuck ever because I think that’s something not a lot of artists can do. I don't want to be restricted to a single musical genre. I don't want there to be boundaries. That's not music for me.

Something else that grabbed a lot of people’s curiosity is the inspiration behind the single itself. I know you haven’t confirmed anything in regards to the surface of the track here, and I don’t know if you can tell where I’m going with this..

You want me to talk about the cover? [laughs]

Well, yeah. I think everyone was just as surprised to see Lee Sooyeon as they were to hear the song itself. It is her, right?

Yeah, it’s her.

And it’s not the first time you have been linked together. We see you hanging around in LA a lot and now.. Here she is on the cover of this surprise single. The two of you have gotten really close.

[laughs] She’s just a good friend, man. She’s a great person and an amazing artist. 

Would you say she was an inspiration behind the song?

Yeah, of course. I wrote it just fucking around and wasn’t going to actually release it but I thought how insane of a birthday gift would that be? It came out a lot better than I thought it would, so we just put it out really quick because it was fun and different. But you know, we’ve hung out a few times and I really respect her. She’s just a good friend of mine. 

The singer plays a small sneak peak of the second single to the album, Can’t Feel My Face, which unfortunately had to be cut from air but was tremendously enjoyed throughout the Sirius XM studio by staff, possibly a little too much. The single drops July 2nd, a week after the release of his first single, Oh Mami, and a week before the album officially drops. 

This track, I can say, thematically fits in with the rest of your catalog. I won't spoil too much but it's a gorgeously sung song about, well, what you have quite a bit of experience singing about. But really, it's hard not to sing along to it. it's so catchy. But I can also see what you mean about this tip of a different approach. I think comparing this to what we’ve heard so far from Oh Mami, you can really see the difference in color that will be showcased on this album.

Can't Feel My Face was like the finishing touch of the roller coaster ride that you're gonna go through on the first half of this album. You can really hear it in the album too, this like, shift in disposition once you get to it's latter half. But to me Can't Feel My Face was a great way to end that energy before slipping into it’s interlude. That's what's so exciting about it but also nerve-racking this time around. I feel like I'm kind of breeding a whole new genre into this album with the filler tracks but it’s pretty cool.

It’s not like you haven't not already blended in enough genres. Just add more, right?

Yeah. Yep. You can always add more. This is the next step. It’s the next step on a long journey. Songs on this, like Anointed and Angel, you’ve never heard this from me before. 

It's one of those things where every song on the record has its own feel and it's own story and vibes that appear. Was that a part of the game plan for you? Like each song is, of course, a Monroe song, but each song is going to have it's own feel. So many new listeners can come and enjoy different tracks. Is that something you thought about?

Consciously? Probably not. [laughs] The thing is, I just make music that I like to make and it either sounds good or it doesn't sound good.

When do you know if it’s good or not? Is it when you're making it or like, after it's finished and you’ve listened to it? How does that process happen?

Um [pauses] I do it very unorthodox I feel. I create these instrumentals that are full pieces that I'm completely happy with. Instrumentals that could stand completely alone. I don't go collecting beats from other producers.. I don't work with other producers. So really if that instrumental is good from the beginning, like, you'll know. I'll be messing around with something and someone will tell me 'that sounds cool, what the hell is this?' or I'll really get into what I'm doing and it's like 'fuck this is good' and that's really all the affirmation I need. If I like it then, you know, I eventually want it somewhere. It’s always worked for me.

I always thought about that and I know it's different with every person that makes music. I've talked to artists and they end up making 15 songs but only end up putting 6 or 7 on the album. There comes a point where you have to be picky too.

Exactly, yeah. The thing is, I have this whole back catalog of amazing songs I've never released too. Music I really like and enjoyed making but just haven't found the place for it. I think if you can still make more music that you have yet to release, that can be equally as good as the music you already did release. There are literally two songs on this album that I wrote before I was even signed, when I was [pauses] I don’t know, eighteen or nineteen? And it’s the first two songs on the album. If it’s good and you like it and you want it out, it will eventually find its place. That’s good energy to have. 

How do you feel when you get the kind of energy that just hits you? When you just get struck by inspiration?

Moments like that is how i wrote 'often'. It was the fastest song I had written on finally bleeding. It was one of the last records — — literally, it almost didn't even make the record. I think I wrote that in about, like, 40 minutes maybe? [laughs] yeah, but I recorded it and it ended up being one of my biggest records ever. Insane.

Often was an insane hit, really it was. It was everywhere when it came out and I remember hearing it when I went to clubs or playing on the radio or anywhere on social media. There it was. It was a hit. But for a song like that to be a number 1.. It's so uncompromising.

Yeah. Crazy, isn’t it?

That was a game changer, that song. I feel like a lot of people now are taking a lot of risks with their singles and just presenting themselves and don't really feel like they have to bury songs like that.

Yeah, for sure. Even with ordinary life, that was definitely, one hundred percent, no doubt still a huge risk. But pop to me is, you know, what's popular and what's hot right now. You gotta meet pop. You gotta meet pop culture.

Going back to what you said about often almost not making the record, isn't that so insane? The possibility of losing songs during that decision making process that could end up being your biggest hit yet.

i think it's about, again, those risks that you're willing to take when it comes to songs like that. luckily, you know, fans loved often and the song went crazy, but it was me trying to do something a bit different compared to the release of blackdragon. it was a bold fucking move. when i wrote often, that was supposed to be a soundcloud song, and of course with Interscope, they were just like, 'there's no way you're gonna put out a result like this. this is a throwaway record..' [laughs] but Lenny heard the record, cause he loves that shit, he loves the darker shit, but he looks at me and he just goes, 'dude, this might be your biggest record of all time.' so i said fuck it and put it on there anyway.

When your writing your lyrics, do you sometimes write as a character? Or do you write with people in mind? How do you kind of get yourself into frame when you can be so detail driven and descriptive?

of course, yeah. a lot of it is a character. um, but i mean a lot of it is real life experiences too. i feel like i've experienced enough before my career started, which at that point, just being nineteen years old when i signed with NOVA, but i feel like i have enough experience to write what i've written and to continue whatever story that is that i'm telling. the past three years i've grabbed new inspiration and i've put that into the music also.

Something that's been documented a lot and reviewed, the subject matter in your music. It's dark. It's guilt-ridden. it's all this 'I can't stop taking drugs but it's bad for me but I need to do it anyway.' But I feel like since meeting you, you're very steady. Who is this person in those songs?

i do think overall i am a pretty chilled person, but um.. that guy is... y'know, it's who i am. but it's the me that i've taken and stretched and sort of created into this like, beast. it's me just adding on and turning it into something that's just uncontrollable. like it's own character. it just sounds good. he sounds good. it's like scarface, you know? the villian. it's horrible but you can't stop looking at it. my fans love it. people love it.

Man, you know, your female fans love it.

yeah. [laughs]

I mean they really love it. And I'm not trying to sound judgmental here, there's no judgement. It's just an observational question. But, why is it you think your music is so popular with women when the subject matter is so raw?

i think people just love raw. i mean look at things like, you know, fifty shades of grey. how did that blow up? it's the darkness of it. that's what the music is. it's raw and it's dark. to me, it's good to have that darkness because when the light comes, it just feels that much better. so a lot of the music, when you listen to it, it's really a good mix of that darkness and that rush but also there's those few songs that are just fun and that make you feel good. i think people feel a sense of relief almost when they reach those songs, whatever the reason be, and i think it just makes you feel that much better.

Do you ever feel yourself slipping into that darkness?

yeah. sometimes. but i have a good team.

Do they pull you back?

of course. it's good to have a good team around you. especially a team that you've grown with.

And for you, that would be your ex labelmates over at NOVA, right? You guys are all still close.

yeah, i'm still good friends with all of them. we're together literally all the time. some of them even flew out with me here. they’ve really shaped me as an artist and i feel like as a person too. you know, when i went to korea from the states, i really had no one. i moved there at sixteen completely alone and they were the ones that heard me and saw my potential and believed enough in me to give me a chance and i'll always be grateful for that. they're just a group of really talented guys and even though i parted ways with the label, i still respect them a lot as artists and will always keep them around me.

With the drinking and the drugs, do you think that's sort of a crutch for you sometimes? To help you get through those moments of darkness?

yeah. nerves.

How is that you — and it's a lot of artists too that suffer with things like nerves and bad anxiety — how do you do it? How do you get yourself to go in front of hundreds and thousands of people every night and perform when you struggle with something like that?

i think it's just... you know, you're singing to all of those people. it's an emotional thing. it's nerve-racking and it’s scary as hell. but you have to fight that feeling when performing is what keeps you going. like for me, the music and the fans and getting to perform. even though it’s only something i’ve been doing since 2017, it’s all i’ve ever had. so that was something i had to do and once i did it... [pauses] i don’t know. i just feel like now, people are more nervous to see me than i am to see them.

Well what's it like when you meet fans and you've created this character? This 'Monroe' to them. I mean, it's intimidating to people.

mm... [pauses] feels great. [laughs] you know what i mean? it's a good thing. you're seeing your favorite artist. you want to feel that way. you don't want to meet your favorite artist and it's like a normal fucking experience. it's the rush of it all, you know? then you find out like, i'm cool. then that's even better.

Who is that for you? Some people you look at like that?

nobody.

Nobody at all?

nobody.

Now I'm a bit curious about something, because it is something you play around with a lot in your music. Are you a religious person?

um.. i'm there. in a way. think i'm definitely spiritual now. i mean i was never a full out atheist, you know? nothing against that, it's all respect for whatever you believe, but i feel like people turn to that point because life is just, it's shit. they feel like there's no way there's a god and this is all happening.

In another viewpoint, I feel like religion is what people turn to when life gets shit.

yeah well, i was just a pessimist. always kind of pessimistic.

Were you like that as a kid?

oh yeah.

Where do you think that comes from?

uh, i don’t know.. [pauses] i guess growing up i didn't really have much around me to be optimistic about. i didn't have any brothers or sisters and i wasn't close with either of my parents or any family really. i always wanted a dog but i was never allowed to get a fucking dog. [laughs] but you know, when great things finally started happening for me, i just felt like all of that was something i had to go through in a way. like a test or something.

Speaking of family, I know you said you weren't close with them and that you moved at such a young age. How difficult was that for you? To take such a major turn in your life? I mean, something like that. Moving countries at sixteen all on your own?

the way i looked at it back then was like, i was just riding down this long road for so long and i had already been doing it all by myself. i mean my parents were around when i was a kid, but like, with my dad, we were never close. he was in and out of my life a lot and we never got along when he was around. my mom was really the only parental figure i had in my life, but she passed away when i was young and we never had that family bond either. so really, i was on this road with no one but myself and i just felt like i had finally reached that dead end and had to make a choice of where to turn or else i was going to just.. end up driving myself off of that cliff.

Driving yourself off that cliff — is there a darker underlier there?

there could have been.

Well, looking back at all of it now, I'm sure there are no regrets on the choices you made.

not at all. i think where i am right now and the people that i have around me is where i'm supposed to be.

These people you have in your life now, they see you be successful and they see the way you do it on the edge of things. This isn't, with the greatest of respect, this isn't pop music that your contemporaries are making. You push things a lot.

it's rock and roll, you know.

You're right, it is rock and roll. You're a rockstar, man. Really and I mean, you're making videos that have shit in hardcore.

someone's gotta do it. [laughs] no, but um, you know that's just what i've found that i do best and people love it. people hate it too but that's what sparks discussion and that's what art is all about, isn’t it?

Exactly. That’s your art. Keep it up. — Monroe, I want to thank you so much for coming in and talking with me tonight. I know you don’t do interviews like this too often so I do appreciate it.

of course, thank you so much for having me on. the energy has been good.

Everyone.. Oh Mami is only days away from it’s release on June 25th, followed by the release of the second single Can’t Feel My Face on July 2nd. The Party & The After Party will officially be released the following week on July 9th at midnight. Monroe concludes that an important and exciting announcement will be made shortly after the album’s release so stick around and be sure to follow him on all of his socials to stay updated on the news. This has been Sirius XM.

[jaehyun-eclipsed]

Before I Met You | Twenty

Next Update: ~December 29, 2020

Pairing: NCT (Jaehyun, Lucas, Mark, Jaemin, Johnny) X Reader/OC

Genre: Romance, Angst, Coming of Age

Summary: Four. There were four people before I fell in love with you… Here are their stories.

Author’s Note: Hello! Sorry I’m a few days late -- was doing some finishing touches. Also, instead of having a regular update schedule, I think I’ll be sticking with letting you know when you can expect the next update!

Before I Met You Masterlist

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“Where are you going?” Jia asks as soon as she sees me putting on my boots.

I glance up at her as I zip up my right boot. “Grocery store.”

“Oh… by yourself?”

I’m not sure why Jia suddenly decided to ask today who I’m going to the grocery store with. Perhaps because I went last Saturday morning, never go in consecutive weeks, and certainly never go at two o’clock in the afternoon. Or she senses that I’m sneaking around her and avoiding questions like I was with Jaemin.

“No, Johnny asked me to go with him.”

“Johnny?!” she exclaims. “Why does Johnny want to go to the grocery store with you?! He seems to want to hang out with you a lot, huh?”

“I don’t know. I mean, we just played card games and talked yesterday.”

Jia’s eyes widen. “What if he likes you?!”

I shrug.

That is a good question though. What if he does like me? Then what am I supposed to do? I would go out with him, but—

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?” she asks. “I saw a girl here like a month ago with him. I didn’t recognize her.”

“I don’t know. He’s never mentioned any—

Shit. No. That’s what Jaemin did. Please do not let this be a repeat of Jaemin. I don’t have time for that kind of shit again.

Jia quirks her eyebrow, wondering why I suddenly stopped midsentence. “Any… what? What are you thinking?”

“Uh, he’s never mentioned anything about it. Have you ever seen her around here after that?”

“No, I don’t think so…”

I press my lips together. “Maybe they broke up.”

“What if he does like you?!” she asks excitedly. “Would you go out with him?” I blink a few times and shrug. “I guess so.”

“So you’re from Medford? That’s cool. My family drove through there once on our way to Portland. It’s nice.”

“Yeah, I like it there. You grew up in San Jose, right?”

Johnny and I walk up the hill towards a local grocery store a few blocks north from where we live. My face feels cold from the end of fall chill, but I feel strangely happy. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I sort of have a crush on Johnny because I think he’s cute and we’re hanging out.

I’ve been asking him questions. Trying to figure out what he’s like. Trying to figure out whether he has a girlfriend... I know I could just be direct about it and ask, but it seems kind of random to suddenly say, “So, do you have a girlfriend?” when I barely know him.

We obviously know that we can’t just default to, “Oh, if he has a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be trying to hit on someone else” and immediately assume he has morals because apparently that’s not always true.

But aside from that issue, Johnny is nice and in the “getting to know you” stage, he’s decently interesting.

“Yeah. My parents and my sister moved to California a few months after I was born. So I lived with my grandparents in Korea until my parents came back to pick me up after settling down to bring me here,” he says.  

“Do you speak Korean?”

“Yeah, but it’s not very good. I can get around though.”

“I’ve been trying to learn Korean,” I say. “I can read the alphabet and say a few phrases!”

“Oh really? I could help you out sometime.”

Johnny is a year younger than me and he has a sister that’s a year older than me that goes to school in San Francisco. His dad is often traveling for work, so Johnny doesn’t see him as often when he goes home to visit his mom every few weeks. Since she’s home by herself often, she spends a lot of her time volunteering at her church, though sometimes she’ll buy a plane ticket and meet Johnny’s dad wherever he traveled for work.

It seems… lonely.

We arrive at the grocery store and I follow him around, watching him pick out his groceries and making casual small talk about our classes, our interests, and what food to buy.

I can’t help but feel flirtatious. And that’s a weird feeling to me because I never feel flirtatious. Friendly and shy, sure. But flirtatious has only ever really occurred once and I’ll never forget that feeling. I clearly like Johnny, but I’m not trying to give it away. But he asked me to go grocery shopping so that has to count for something.

“Do you want some tea?” Johnny asks, pointing to a colorful display of canned teas.

I blink several times. “Uh, sure? I can Venmo you.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” he says. “Which one do you want?”

I spot my favorite flavor near the top and without saying a word, walk over to the display and get on my tippy toes in an attempt to reach the peach tea. My fingers are just a few inches shy of reaching it. Johnny chuckles and I keep my back to him to hide my frown. He walks up behind me and easily reaches over my hand to grab the can and place it in his cart.

“You could’ve just told me which one you wanted. That’s the benefit of being short with tall friends,” he teases.

“Hey! I’m not short!”

“You’re shorter than me.”

“Everyone is shorter than you!” I retort.

He chuckles again. “Yeah, that’s true. Is there anything you need? I’m done.”

I shake my head and turn to head towards the checkout line. An Oreo display case catches my eye and my expression morphs into one of disgust.

“Cherry cola Oreos?” I say in disbelief. “That sounds gross.”

“Hey, they’re probably good,” he responds, pulling out his phone.

I shrug. “I guess they had to pass the taste test before production.”

He doesn’t respond, engrossed in whatever is on his phone. My curiosity gets to the best of me and I begin peering over. He’s looking at an ad for Muji and in the top left corner are the Facebook chat bubbles. Mine is the only one on the screen and he doesn’t appear to have any other notifications. I don’t know what this would tell me. I figure if he had a girlfriend, she would message him while he was on his excursion. Actually, wouldn’t he ask her to accompany him? Unless…?

“Hey,” I greet, placing a glass of water and a plate of sliced fruit on the table. “How’s the studying going?”

Jaehyun lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s all right. A lot of terms to remember. Strategic risk, credit risk, call-options, price insurance… hard to keep them straight sometimes.”

“Do you have any flash cards? I can help test you if you want.”

He shakes his head. “That’s okay. Maybe a little later. I’m doing some practice questions now.” He looks at the plate, grabs an apple slice, and takes a bite. “Thanks.”

“You’ve taken and passed a couple exams already. I know you’ll do great on this one,” I say, taking a seat in the chair across from him.  

“Yeah, but I had to take one of those exams multiple times.”

“So? You still passed. That’s all that matters. And now you’re on your way to becoming a certified financial planner! You’re doing great!”

Jaehyun smiles a bit. “I’d really like to pass this one the first time…”

“I’m sure with all the studying you’re doing, you’ll be fine. You still have a few weeks to get it down.”

“Yeah, but I have to work too…”

I chuckle lightly. “I don’t know how you do it. But you amaze me every day. Work, study, and pass these exams.”

“Honestly, I don’t really know either.” Jaehyun leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “We should take a vacation after this.”  

I clap my hands together. “Let’s go somewhere warm after I finish finals! Last vacation during law school because next semester it’s finals and then the bar exam.” I press my lips together and frown. “Tests. Always another test!”

“Are you coming in here to study?”

“Hm? Oh, I need to make a call to Siwon first. Why? Do you need something?”

Jaehyun smiles and shakes his head. “No.”

“Oh, okay,” I say as I get up from my seat. “Then I’ll—

“I just like it when you’re with me.”

I started spending more time downstairs with Chaeyoung and Shotaro. We’d sit in a comfortable silence to study and then chat over dinner. Occasionally Johnny would come down to join us. Though recently, he had been cooped up in his room trying to finish the last CS projects of the semester with Hendery. So we didn’t see each other as much, but he did message me frequently to see how I was doing and ate dinner downstairs with the rest of us.

Within a matter of weeks, classes ended and dead week was upon us. Now it was a week of intense cramming and poor diet followed by finals and then a few weeks to relax before doing it all over again. It’s like a hamster wheel… constantly running, only to find out you receive a piece of paper for your endeavors.

After finishing lunch in the dining room, I pack up my laptop and notebooks to set out for a psych review session and a few hours of library study for genetics. Johnny walks in and sits down at the neighboring table, thoughtfully watching me as I place my belongings into my bag.

“Where you going?” he finally asks.

“I have a review session for my psych class at two and then I’m going to study in the library until five or so.”

“Oh, where is it?

“In the life sciences building.”

“Oh.” He shifts around in his chair a bit and begins biting the inside of his lip. “Are you staying in the life science building after that?”

“Yeah, that’s the library I like.”

“Oh, okay. Maybe I should check it out.”

“It’s nice. It’s smaller and they usually have space.”

I glance at him, expecting him to ask to join me in the library, but when he doesn’t, I mentally shrug and throw my backpack over my shoulder.

“See you later,” I say, heading towards the door.

“Bye.”

At the review session, I scan the room and sit down next to an old dorm floormate. She doesn’t notice when I sit down, furiously texting someone with a furrowed brow.

“Ugh!” she groans.

“Everything okay?” I ask out of obligation.

“My boyfriend is being stupid.” She puts her phone back in her pocket. “I kinda think he’s cheating on me.”  

I bite my lip and nod in acknowledgement. “Boys suck.”

“Tell me about it.”

I pull out my own phone to avoid any further divulgence and see a message notification.

Johnny: you said youre gonna study at the library after your review session right?

Heh. It sounds like someone’s too afraid to ask in person.

Me: Yeah

J: when does it end? can I join you? I wanna go study at the library but I don’t wanna get lost lol

My forehead creases in confusion upon reading Johnny’s reasoning. Get lost? How would you get lost?

Me: It’s over at 3 and yeah

Me: Just meet me in front of the library at 3

I’m holding back a smile. I wanted to go to the library with Johnny, but I also didn’t want to be the one to ask. To some extent, this was a test for him. To test his attraction? I like being chased just as much as the next person and if the opportunity presents itself to spend time with Johnny, then all the better.

J: ok! See u then! 

An hour later, I exit the lecture hall and start walking to the other side of the building towards the library. Johnny’s tall figure is leaning against the railing in front of the entrance. He’s wearing a gray baseball cap and holding a textbook against his left thigh while using his other hand to scroll through something on his phone. I walk up to him and looks up from his phone.

“Hey!” he greets. “How was the review session?”

I shrug. “It was all right.” I gesture my head towards the library. “Ready to go in?”

He nods and I start walking into the library with him following slightly behind.

“Whoa,” he whispers, lightly grabbing onto the dangling strap of my backpack. “I’d definitely get lost in here. Make sure I don’t get lost.”

I turn my head slightly to look at him over my shoulder. Gawking at him, he smiles widely back at me. I blink at him a few times and turn back around, continuing on towards the tables in the back and pretending like I’m not leading a child with one of those backpack leashes.

Okay… maybe he’s just really, really weird.

God, this looks so stupid.

I stop in front of an empty table with two high chairs. Johnny lets go of the strap when he sees me move to take off my backpack and then follows suit. I place my belongings on the table and immediately immerse myself in reviewing for my genetics exam. I occasionally take glances over at Johnny who is diligently reading the textbook he was holding and taking notes. Normally, I’d pay a little more attention, but that’s not really my priority right now. However, I won’t deny that there’s this annoying voice in my head that’s asking, “What in the world is Johnny doing? He must like you, right? But what if he has a girlfriend that you don’t know about? Those pictures of him with that girl are still on his Instagram page, but some people leave all of those photos up even after they break up. I don’t have a gauge on what he’s like and whether he’d do that.”

Later that evening, while trying to finish a bioethics paper in bed, I receive a message from Johnny.

J: what are you doing?

Me: I’m trying to write this damn paper and it’s pissing me off

J: you want some cookies?

J: maybe it’ll help you write your paper

Me: Mm okay. I’ll be downstairs in a few

“Are you going downstairs?” Jia asks as I begin shuffling around and grabbing my backpack and a small blanket.

“Yeah.”

“Did you go to the library with Johnny earlier?”

I freeze in place and slowly turn around. How did she know about that?

“I saw you guys walking back together when I was coming back from my review session,” she continues, answering my question without her knowledge. 

“Oh, yeah. He asked to meet me there.”

“Oooh!” She cracks into a wide, shit-eating grin. “He likes you! Are you meeting him downstairs too?!”

“Yeah, he said he had cookies. I want some.”

“Oh my gosh… do you like him?!”

I feel the heat rise up into my cheeks. “I mean, I think he’s cute and he’s fun to hang around with, but I don’t think I like him like that.”

“Oh yeah… if he has a girlfriend, you probably shouldn’t.” She ponders for a few seconds and her eyes shoot open. “Do you think his girlfriend knows he’s hanging out with you?!”

I mentally scoff. If Johnny is actually interested in me like that, I bet he’s conveniently left it out of any conversations with his girlfriend that he’s hanging around another girl and grabbing onto her backpack strap so that he doesn’t get “lost” in the library.

“My guess is probably not.”

I quickly leave and consider the conversation I had had with my dad earlier. I called to tell him about Johnny asking to meet at the library, grabbing onto my backpack, his various offers of cookies and what not. Basically, dad thinks that Johnny probably likes me. His opinion on the girlfriend thing? He’s not sure since we don’t know whether or not Johnny actually has one. It’s strange that she showed up once and then never again and that he’s never mentioned her. This is starting to sound eerily familiar. It’s a problem for later. I need to focus on finals for now.

There is one thing that I hadn’t realized until now though.

Jaemin hasn’t come to mind as frequently.

Perhaps I was finally getting over him.

“What’s the paper for?” Johnny asks as I set my things down at the table on his left.

“It’s for some bioethics class. I’m doing research on pesticides and lymphoma. Not exactly a happy topic.”

He pushes the cookies over to me, gesturing with his left hand for me to take some. My brow raises in curiosity when a piece of jewelry on his wrist catches my eye. It’s a thin, black band with a circular charm hanging off it. It looks like there’s something engraved on it, but I can’t tell because the backside is facing up.

“What’s the bracelet for?”

“Hm?” Johnny raises his left arm and runs his hand through his hair. “Which one?”

I raise my brow at him. “The only black one around your wrist…”

“Oh.” He lowers his hand and looks at his wrist. “Um, it’s a bracelet from my girlfriend.”

I deadpan for a few seconds before quickly remarking, “Oh. Nice!” and following with forced smile.

I turn back to my laptop, trying to pretend to read through my essay. Though, if my facial expression clearly conveys annoyance, I wouldn’t be surprised.

See! This is exactly what I meant about not being able to assume anyone has morals. Interested in Johnny, Y/N? Not anymore. Never mind.

Oh well. It’s not like I got that far with this anyway.

There’s a quick motion coming from my right and suddenly the room becomes dimmer as a baseball cap is placed on my head. I slowly turn to look at Johnny, still slightly miffed at the revelation from seconds earlier. He smiles warmly at me.

“Do you want to go to the library tomorrow?” he asks.

“Why did you do that?” I ask without answering his question.

“What?” He shrugs. “So do you want to go? We should wake up really early in the morning to go so that we can get a head start on studying!”

I nod my head. “Okay.”

What are you doing? There should be some blaring siren going off in your head, but there isn’t. Oh, that’s right. It’s because you’re still attracted to him.

I grab the hat on my head and place it back on his.

“You don’t like it?”

“It’s too big for me.”

“It’s a thinking cap. It’ll help you with your essay.”

“If only it were that easy.”

Johnny chuckles and then opens Facebook on his laptop. He has two messages: one from Hendery and another from someone with the nickname “Boo boo.” It’s times like these where I’m glad I have good control over my facial expressions and can easily type out an essay while reading over someone’s shoulder.

Boo boo’s profile picture is clearly of a girl and when Johnny opens her chat box, I see that boo boo sent a bunch of heart stickers. He follows by responding with a few hearts and a “hiii boo boo!! i love youuuuuu soooo much!!!” It goes back and forth like that a few more times.

I have to try not to gag. Is this what people are like with their boyfriends and girlfriends? Am I going to be like that? Oh gross.

Maybe I just don’t understand what love is. Who am I to question their love? However, if Johnny is “soooo in looooove” with his girlfriend, why is he acting like this with me?

If this is a repeat of Jaemin, I’m walking right into a trap. 

The rest of dead week played out the same way. Wake up in the morning, go to the library with Johnny, watch Johnny send “I looovvee youuu” messages to boo boo, study in the evening with Johnny, grab a study snack with Johnny, spend time with Chaeyoung and Hendery while with Johnny.

My whole study life started revolving around Johnny. And really, it was simply having someone to spend time with. Johnny and I could sit in a comfortable silence and study for our own classes, occasionally taking breaks to eat or show each other videos. It was a good arrangement and I liked my new friend.

But the sad truth was, I liked my new friend a little too much and I had a feeling that nothing good was going to come of it.

Johnny had a girlfriend and he knew that I knew he had a girlfriend. I’ve never been interested in home wrecking and I certainly wasn’t saying anything or doing anything other than spending time with him, to indicate that I had a crush on him. But here we are a year later with the same problem: is it morally wrong for me to be spending time with this guy when I have a crush on him while fairly certain that his behavior was indicative that he liked me? Isn’t he technically emotionally cheating on his girlfriend?

I think the way I tried to justify this was by telling myself that I wasn’t the one initiating the hang outs or study sessions. Johnny would ask and I had the option of agreeing or declining. And sincerely, since I was just trying to study, I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

On the last day of finals, I joined Johnny, Chaeyoung, Jia, Shotaro, Hendery, Sungchan, and a few others in the dining room, celebrating over a box of donuts and cups of hot chocolate. We were exchanging social media accounts to keep up with each other over the break.

“Hey,” Johnny greets as he grabs the empty seat next to me. “Are you going home tomorrow?”

I shake my head. “No, the day after.”

“Do you wanna grab lunch together tomorrow? Hendery is leaving and I’m also not leaving until Sunday.”

“Oh, sure! That would be fun!”

“Cool!”

He throws his baseball cap on top of my head and suddenly the room is quiet. I can tell that everyone is looking at me. I keep my gaze down on the table and take a few seconds to respond with a laugh.

“I don’t want your hat!” I exclaim playfully, pulling it off and trying to put it back on him.

He lightly shoves my arm away. “It looks better on you.”

I ignore him and put the hat down on the table and move to grab another donut from the box, silently praying everyone will stop watching and pretend like nothing happened.

Prev | Next

Before I Met You Masterlist Masterlist

[valeriacastaneda]

My Autobiography

I remember being pretty young when all this inner turmoil began to stir. I remember an intense hatred of myself for no good reason. I was always too emotional. I don’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t hate myself. I remember being a little girl and feeling abandoned. I always had my parents around me but they weren’t very supportive and I don’t think they meant it to be that way. I felt like no one cared about me and I didn’t feel like I had anyone to turn to as I was growing up. I longed for my mother to put her arm around me and protect her little girl. But my parents were completely absorbed in the constant drama and fights that their relationship entailed. I just wanted my parents to get along. I was a really sensitive child and it was completely agonizing to be dragged into their fights. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy to write but anything worthwhile is going to be a bit painful. It’s been difficult to go through all of this while trying to be as honest and thorough as possible. This isn’t the first “timeline/autobiography” I had to write. I wrote one in my first rehab. But the last one wasn’t very honest- it was as honest as I could be at the time, I still had a lot to go through.

I grew up with two immigrant parents. In an immigrant home there’s a lot of stress behind closed doors. I always saw casual drinking and even binge drinking as a child, as a way to cope with emotions. I grew up on the east side of San Jose in the late 90’s. I feel like I had a complicated childhood. I was a happy child but I was also shy and incredibly anxious. I never had many friends, I felt like I always had to hide a part of myself. I dreamt of being a social butterfly cos that’s how I felt on the inside. But I was such a shy kid, I didn’t trust anyone and I had no sense of stability. It was hands growing up feeling completely alone. I even feel like there was a disconnect between me and my siblings because of how I felt about myself. Since I was a toddler, I remember feeling a deep sense of shame that I couldn’t shake. Anything that triggered this deep internal shame was to be avoided at all costs. I always felt deeply embarrassed for my existence, I always felt insecure.

I looked for stability in all the wrong places. I tried to cling to people, begging to be saved from being drowned only to drag them under the current with me. I didn’t understand that salvation could be found within myself. I looked in all the wrong places and I let my heart be broken countless times before I was able to look within myself to find the strength to push forward. I feel like I had a lonely childhood at times because I remember crying a lot. I remember feeling a deep sorrowful sadness as a child, a sadness I couldn’t express. My mother suffered from postpartum depression after I was born, maybe we had a difficult time bonding. People who know us probably wouldn’t say that we weren’t close. I felt abandoned by my parents at a very young age. They argued so loudly it shook the house and the core to my being. My dad would storm out of the house and slam the doors. I would feel shaken to my core. There was always yelling and cussing in Spanish. Words I could never whimper or my mother would strike them from my lips as soon as the thought crossed my mind.

I felt like my siblings had a bond with each other that I could never be apart of. I was too sensitive, always too emotional. I remember being a child and hiding in the darkness of the closet while my entire body shook from sobbing because of the constant torment I felt inside my soul. I never fit into my family. I always felt like the odd one out, the black sheep, and the ugly duckling. My brother’s would tease me and call me the ugly duckling and that definitely got into my head. When I grew up I started looking for the attention I never received from my father in guys my age, and eventually men. I was always looking for attention in all the wrong places. I was waiting for someone to come and save me from myself. It took me many years to realize that no one would come to rescue me. I had to do that work myself so I could be a decent partner but I didn’t realize that for many years.

Some of the happiest moments of my childhood include me learning how to read. I remember being so enthralled with my ability to read books and escape. I always had a need to escape my reality. I remember being a kid and staying in an after school program. My childhood was short and sweet and I look back on it fondly. I loved playing make-believe on the playground with my two friends. I always kept a small circle. I loved art and crafts and as an adult I learned embroidery, sewing, and cross-stitch as a hobby. I enjoyed photography and showing people my art. I was always extremely imaginative and that’s something I continue to hold onto as an adult. My parents never demanded straight A’s from me but at one point I felt like the pressure was so intense and I didn’t feel like it was fair. My other siblings weren’t held to the same standards as I was but as an adult, I now see that my parents were encouraging me to do my absolute best.

When I was a young child, someone abused me. I never shared what happened to me with anyone else in my family and if anyone had a clue about it, or would ask about it I would pretend I had no memory of what they were talking about. I remember struggling with the constant shame throughout my life. Guilt and shame are themes that pop up into my life.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 16 in high school. I was at my new school after getting transferred out of my local high school because of my emotional issues and drug abuse. I was sitting on the bus on my way to the trade school that I would go to for half the day, I was taking a forensics class. There was a handsome football player that would ride the bus with me and I was sitting with my friend when he leaned over and asked for my number. His name was Tarunbir but I always called him T. I tried not paying any attention to him but he was persistent and it made him all the more attractive. I was smoking meth constantly at this period of my life and he asked me on a date to go eat somewhere and I clearly remember replying with, “I don’t eat.” and smirking at my friend. He asked for my phone so he could call his mom and I let him but he put his number into my phone and asked me to text him.

I had absolutely no intention of talking to him but the next day I was bored at home so I decided to text him. I had no idea this interaction would change the course of my life forever. We became entangled in this relationship or more accurately described as a “trauma bond”. There were clear red flags that I chose to ignore because I thought his jealousy and possessiveness meant he actually loved and cared about me. I was always trying to break up with him but he would show up at my door crying, begging for me back with flowers and gifts. I would always give in. He physically, mentally, and sexually abused me. He abused me in every way but I stayed with him on and off for four years. I was addicted to him like I was addicted to escaping my reality. We gave into each other’s drug abuse and eventually I could only cope by constantly being high. I truly felt stuck with him and I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave him until he left me first. I remember him pushing me and forcing my head into the concrete one night. I remember an incident that happened between us that led me to a trip to the emergency room. I still have the scar on the back of my head. He went to jail but it wasn’t long before we were back together; entangled in a cycle of abuse and denial.

I constantly dealt with suicidal ideation. I remember being 18 years old when I decided I didn’t want to live a moment longer. For a bit of background, I was struggling with my sobriety and I badly wanted out. Earlier that day I had received a message on my blog from someone anonymous telling me to kill myself. Unfortunately I was so sick, I listened. I bought some pills off my dealer and I popped them all. I took one handful after another. I finished them off with my own medications, that I had somehow stockpiled. I was hanging out while my boyfriend, T, went off somewhere. I remember having a soft drink in my hand and a snack with me. I was at the apartment complex that he lived at. I started walking around after I had taken them and I don’t remember much after that. I just know what I was told afterwards. T found me unconscious and not breathing at the bottom of the concrete stairs. He started doing compressions on my chest and I remember the pain of him nearly breaking my ribs as he sobbed on the phone to the paramedics. I don’t remember what he said only that I never heard him cry like that in my life. I remember saying, “Ow” to get him to stop cos the pain was so intense. I was put into a medical coma for a few days. When I woke up, two days later my mom told me they pumped my stomach. I remember while I was intubated how much it bothered me to have that uncomfortable machine in me. I kept attempting to pull it out so they had to tie my arms down. I was basically dead. They didn’t know what was going to happen to me when I woke up. I remember waking up from that coma and asking for my baby sister, Lilibeth. I remember the dry, scratchy feeling in my throat and the hoarseness in my voice. I still carry so much guilt from that day because I know I hurt my siblings irreparably and that’s probably why I’ll never be close with them again. They saw me in so many terrible situations that I’ll never stop feeling guilty about. Words could never describe how sorry I am and I know words will never soothe their pain.

T helped me talk to my parents about sending me to rehab when I was 19 and I couldn’t stop shooting up. I was addicted to feeling the needle as much as I was addicted to drugs slipping into my vein- I could romanticize what I felt and describe it to you in detail. It’s kind of sick. The excitement I felt when I would finally register and push the plunger down was almost better than the high itself. Almost but not quite. I remember sitting on the floor of his room in his mother’s apartment for hours on end trying to hit a vein. It was pure agony because I tried every vein in my arms and legs until I was covered in small pin pricks and bruises. When I finally registered, I can’t even describe to you the calm that would wash over my body. Some people get tweaked out and start bouncing off the walls on meth, but not me. I lay back and felt the iciness crawl up my throat, and I would cough as my heart tried to pound it’s way out of my chest. My rock bottom was when I was filled with agony, covered in pricks and bruises and spending hours on end trying to get high without success. After rehab, T picked me up and brought me home. Not before I relapsed again. My parents made a huge sacrifice financially for me so how did I relapse leaving rehab? I had a Xanax prescription that a doctor had prescribed for me so I didn’t think that was an issue. T still had some of my script on him and I asked him for some. That’s how the slippery slope began. Before I knew it, I was back to shooting meth and then, I fell in love with heroin too. I started hanging out with adults who were ten years older than me and I started dealing drugs to support myself and my habit. I was filled with so much self-hatred and I felt like using drugs was the only way I could escape feeling the constant bombardment of emotions that I was constantly subjected to. I was always miserable and I didn’t know the key to true contentment was within myself.

By October of 2016, I was 20 years old with two rehab stints under my belt which also happened to be wrapped around my arm. I clenched the leather between my teeth as I tirelessly attempted to shoot up a mixture of meth and heroin. I remember being so frustrated because my hands were shaking so hard from withdrawal that when I finally did register, I slipped the rig out of my vein and ruined my drugs because the blood in the syringe had coagulated. I was trying to get high and I ruined my drugs so I chose not to use it had to shoot it into the trash because if I would’ve used it, I was risking a blood clot going to my brain and killing me. I didn’t care about those consequences- but I did care about continuing to get high. A recurring theme in my 7life is a need for escapism and I needed to escape the everlasting depression and misery I constantly felt that tormented me. I felt like I had tried to get clean so many times on my own and I felt like I couldn’t get it right. I wanted so badly to be clean even though I truly believed in my soul that I could only be happy on drugs. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom when I truly realized how tormented I was, I knew that I was failing at my attempts at sobriety. I couldn’t understand how people in sobriety could “have fun” without drugs. I remember going to young people’s Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and not being able to understand how they could achieve long-term sobriety and be happy. It seemed so fake and unattainable to me but I knew what I kept trying was failing, I had to try something new. T had broken up with me by now, because of my addiction. At the time, I truly loved heroin more than him anyways. Heroin was awful but it never put me through the various types of abuse that he put me through. I was so hurt and angry with him that I swore to myself that I would never go back to him for leaving me when I needed someone there for me. I know it sounds twisted but I’m honestly so thankful that he had left me because it left me with resolve to do something about my situation. I didn’t have the strength to leave and stay gone during our years together because of how vulnerable I was at that point in my life.

I always knew something was different about me. I have a hazy memory about being a small child in elementary school and being attracted to a girl in a way that I had never felt about anyone. I was 6 years old when I had my first “crush” on a girl but I felt shame deeply in my young soul even then. I never pursued my interest in girls until I was an adult and I had my first girlfriend, Kemi. I was still struggling with my sobriety at the time that I met her. She had been sober for two years by the time we were together. I remember her and I sitting on the floor of my bedroom while I fixed myself a shot. I don’t remember exactly what was happening but my parents were throwing a party. I had to wear something to cover the track marks and bruises on my arms even though it was a hot August day. My memories from the time are a bit hazy from the drugs but I made her look away while I did what I had to do. I remember feeling guilty but ultimately not caring that I was possibly risking her sobriety by using around her. I was so self-centered that nothing mattered to me but having the feeling of calmness wash over me. Things ultimately didn’t work out between us but that’s okay. She was good to me and she brought me around A.A. and introduced me to what sobriety had to offer me.

I attempted sobriety again in November of 2016 and I can’t pinpoint exactly what changed this time around. I no longer desired to keep up the facade that I had perfectly crafted. Anyways, it was all crumbling down around me pretty quickly. I remember having a sort of epiphany about the state of my life. I was 20 years old and I was speeding down the highway and into my grave. I don’t think I instantly wanted to live a righteous life or anything close to it, I just needed to try something different. Especially with turning 21 years old in a few days looming over my head. I couldn’t believe I legally couldn’t drink alcohol yet but I could buy heroin and I was a pretty decent hobbyist phlebotomist at this point.

I broke up with Rami last year. I was pretty unhappy with myself and where the relationship was going so I took our dog and moved back into my parent’s house. I needed to start figuring out what I was going to do with myself and my sobriety. The stress I put on myself after Rami relapsed after we broke up in December of 2018 and it absolutely ruined me. It helped lead me here, to Center for Discovery but not before I was hospitalized at Stanford for my low body weight. Rami never asked me to be with him while he struggled with his sobriety. I blamed myself for his relapse even though the rational side of my brain knew it had nothing to do with me. My anxiety was so bad I started restricting and I wasn’t even really aware of it at the time. I just knew that my mind was constantly spinning and I was on the edge of breaking down every day. I would take some anti-anxiety medication and it was like magic, I could finally be calm enough to eat. Rami continued to relapse and I continued to work hard and skip meal after meal. I was becoming frail and I was losing my ability to think clearly. I was worried about how I would pay my bills. I didn’t want to lose the independence from my parents that I finally felt I had earned. The heavy medications I had been taking made it impossible for me to hold down a job. I was finally able to prove to myself that I could work long shifts and over 40 hour weeks. I remember when a 4 hour shift was absolute agony for me. I could never go back to how things were. I earned my independence and I didn’t care if I starved myself to death for it, I wasn’t willing to give it up even though I was sacrificing my health.

Earlier this year I started a new job and it was extremely demanding. It ruined me. Or maybe it put me on the fast track so that I could ruin myself easier. I had to work long hours extremely hungry. My boss didn’t care about me, he saw me as another dispensable person: to be used up until I wasn’t worth anything and he could easily throw me away. I quickly became aware of what kind of person he was and I wondered what I could do. My best bet was finding another job but he paid me pretty well and I didn’t have to worry about a lot of things anymore. I was becoming independent for the first time in my life and that was all I ever wanted. I started skipping meals cos I had so many routes to do. I worked for a cannabis service that existed in a gray area in California law. I worked as a delivery driver and eventually I started working the desk. There was no human resources for me to ever turn to. He called me into work when he needed me and if I didn’t drop everything in that moment to help him, he wouldn’t call me for a few days to make my pockets run dry. I was constantly stressed and unhappy- but the money was good so I stayed. I didn’t have any confidence to go and find another job and he worked me so hard that I was constantly an anxious mess. I was constantly crying and on the edge of a breakdown. I think me staying irregardless of any abuse I faced is a problematic recurring theme in my life.

I was misdiagnosed bipolar for many years. I took every medication they could prescribe me. I’m sure there are a few I hadn’t tried but antidepressants cause a manic reaction in me and make me suicidal. But nonetheless, I took my medication religiously but I was medicating the after-effects of my drug abuse. I kept trying to fix something by taking drugs or taking medications but I didn’t realize the answer was in years of therapy. There’s a lot in my history that I can’t explain or find an answer for but that’s okay, I don’t need to understand everything that happened. All that matters is now. I don’t know how I managed to have so many clinicians misdiagnose me. Even when I tried avoiding the bipolar label I still got diagnosed with cyclothymia. To me that made it pretty clear to me that I was on that spectrum. A few months ago my doctor came to me with a diagnosis that frankly, pissed me off. I had heard it before but I felt like I had been in therapy long enough that I didn’t warrant that diagnosis or the stigma attached to it. When I heard the words “borderline personality disorder” it made me angry and defensive immediately. I definitely feel like that reaction made sense with the diagnosis. The doctors didn’t realize that some of my symptoms may have been residual from my drug use.

I never really realized I was anorexic until I started feeling the pressure to keep up an appearance. And I don’t mean that literally. I didn’t have time to look in the mirror and I hated the skeletal mess that always met my eyes when I would make the mistake of looking at my reflection. I didn’t think I was anorexic but my mind is much clearer now and I see that although a lot of stereotypical behaviors weren’t there, they didn’t need to be. I started looking at what made sense. I took being perfect to a flaw. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was fashionably dressed and if I didn’t have the nicest clothes then I felt bad about myself. If my makeup wasn’t impeccable I wasn’t shit. All I had to hold onto was my appearance of a well put together girl. I still don’t fit into that label, my anxiety has made it feel impossible to eat. I look back on my years of drug use and I see that I definitely used for weight control as well as mood management throughout my adolescence and young adulthood. Labels really don't mean much though cos we're in the same place for similar reasons. I feel like at a time of my life I honestly did hate my body. I think I might have hated it for a long time- for keeping me alive when I’ve wanted so badly to give up. I’ve hated it for not being the same shape or silhouette as other women. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m beautiful, scars and all.

I’ve shared the deepest, darkest moments of my life for only one reason: in hopes that someone hears this and knows it doesn’t always have to be so dark. Things get better, maybe not all at once but I promise they do. I never thought I would be able to climb my way out of the pits of hell. I struggled with constantly feeling like I was just digging myself into a deeper hole. Through the adversity that I’ve experienced in my life, I’ve grown as a person and I’ve turned into a woman that I can say that I’m proud to be. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows but I know that the clouds in the sky will part and the rays of the sun will kiss my skin. I always carry hope in my heart and I truly believe things will be okay as long as I continue to keep my goals in mind. I finally understand that I have a purpose in life and that’s to help people. I know I can only achieve that goal if I continue to better myself and it’s been hard work but it’s had to be done.

[bittysvalentines]

Metro to Atlantic, Our Love Story Stays the Same

From: @allmylittleflaws To : @nevermindedanyway

Summary : When Derek Nurse is slated to be the Islanders representative at the NHL All-Star Game his rookie season, he’s just happy to be included. He’s not expecting to meet the future love of his life. Rating: T   tags are on the AO3 fic

Hi! I hope you like it! Apparently, I’m only capable of writing fluff for these boys. Happy Valentine’s Day!

The NHL All-Star Game is an exercise in patience every year. For some, it’s not that bad. The first time you get back on the ice after bye week is for a game that doesn’t matter in the long run, that is for the fans in a completely different way than the game they played on a daily basis. The first first time back wasn’t even for a game at all. They had the skills competition first, just a couple hours of actually throwing themselves all into something that was just for fun and seeing friends and rivals alike doing the same.

(Some said that it was actually more fun to be micced up for the game, but Derek couldn’t stand the thought of having to be that conscious of censoring his words so that they would be palatable for the fans at home. He tried to give off a persona of chill all the time and the thoughts actually running through his head during games would really ruin that for him.)

On the other hand, for some it’s the very last obstacle before a week with no responsibilities and sand, sun, and fun. Derek was going with Chowder and Farmer to Saint Martin along with a couple other college teammates who had recently graduated and gone into the workforce but were going to take a week off work to spend some time with their friends. He just had to make it through this one last thing before he could be around people he knew and knew him back, not just the façade he threw on to keep people from looking too closely at him. If they didn’t look any closer, they would never know that he didn’t actually belong there, that he was just super lucky and was going to keep riding that until his luck ran out. In just over 48 hours he’d be on a beach with a book in one hand and a drink in the other and life would make sense again for a little bit. But first, he had to get out of the airport and make his way to the hotel with the other New York guys who had come in for the game.

“NURSEY!!” Derek was finally checking into his hotel was there was commotion behind him. The commotion was nearly six feet tall and wearing a San Jose Sharks hat, giving no deference to the fact that wearing a hat for the team you played for was going to get you recognized, even in Houston. “Hi! How are you? How was your flight? Did you just get here? I’m so excited you were chosen to come this year! Last year was fun but this is going to be even better wow.”

Nursey laughed. “Hi Chowder, my flight was good. I am very obviously still in the midst of checking in, I’ve been here for like 15 minutes maximum. How are you? Is Farmer around?”

Chris Chow smiled sheepishly back at his best friend, “I’m just happy to spend time with you! I’ve missed you a lot. Cait had a work thing tonight, she’ll be here for the skills comp tomorrow night and then ready to leave with us after the game on Saturday.”

“I’m glad to see you too brah. You’ve done this before, are we expected to do anything tonight? I just kind of want to get a beer and then go to bed, we had a game run into a shootout last night and I can feel some of the shots I blocked pretty bad right now.”

“Oh! I wanted to introduce you to some of my other friends here tonight, I just thought it’d be fun to all hang out! But if you’re really tired it’s okay, I’ll see you all of next week too!”

Derek sighed and started mentally calculating how much time he’d have to spend out with Chowder at the bar before he could sneak away without the puppy dog eyes making an appearance. “I’ll come and hang out for a little bit but I’m not spending more than like 45 minutes out with you guys, I’m so tired.” Hopefully, that would be enough to keep Chowder satisfied and then Derek could make it up to him once there was a beach and no responsibilities or expectations looming over them.

“Chowder! Over here!”

Derek looks over to see a tall, dark haired man calling for Chowder’s attention, and then has to stop and shake himself. Jack Zimmerman is one of the most recognizable faces in the NHL, easily the most recognizable face to the general public that doesn’t follow hockey. It’s still surreal to him that the players he grew up idolizing, or just watching, are people that he can interact with and play against now.

“Hi Jack! How are you? When did you get in? Who’s this?” Chowder, as always, is nonstop as soon as they get close to Jack and his companion, who Derek is trying very hard not to look at too closely. Derek finally raised his head to make eye contact as –

“This is Will Poindexter, we called him Dex at Samwell, but I’ve heard they’ve got a new nickname for him now up in Toronto.”

- he looks dead in the face of the most beautiful man he has ever seen. And look, Derek has eyes. He’s not an idiot. He knew that William Poindexter was gorgeous with a capital G, okay, he knew. He was aware, all right? But looking at someone on a different team, across a rink, while your teams have a rivalry, doesn’t really invite you to stare the same way that looking at a man in a bar when you’re both basically on vacation does. In all honesty, the man was just so beautiful that even in the depths of Derek’s soul, the part of his soul that said he should go to college and get a degree instead of trying for the draft, the part of his soul that had hoped for a little bit in college that maybe hockey wouldn’t work out, that he could get a publishing contract and sit in a nice apartment in New York and just write poetry for the rest of his life, he didn’t think he’d ever get close to describing just how similar looking at Poindexter felt to looking at the sun. He finally tuned back in to hear Chowder, “This is my best friend Derek Nurse! We call him Nursey,” and has to shake Jack and Poindexter’s hands, feeling like the world is maybe spinning out of control around him.

“Nice to meet you both outside of games. Next time we play, maybe don’t hit me quite so hard, yeah?” He looks straight at Poindexter as he says it and gets to watch the most delightful flush he’s ever seen bloom to life over Poindexter’s face.

“I didn’t even hit you that hard! You just couldn’t hold onto the puck,” Poindexter started out looking a little offended and transitioned to a grin, a chirp, and a quick flirty once over that Derek was hoping in his heart wasn’t imagined.

Just to make sure, he made sure there was an extra lilt in his voice as he gave him the slowest up and down look he’d given anyone in a while (trying to make it in the NHL didn’t leave a lot of time to start a relationship, or even just hook up, with anyone with anymore of a normal schedule), “I’m sure you never have any problems keeping a hold of the puck.” Derek watches as Will, yes he’s Will now, even if it might only be in his head, notices and looks slowly satisfied. With that, Derek is content to see how the rest of the night unfolds.

Three hours later, he’s deep in conversation with Will about some artist that his moms are obsessed with that Will actually went to college with, when Chowder yawns and then stands up, “Alright you guys I’ll see you for breakfast! I’m going to call Cait before I go to bed, she’s finally home from practice.”

Jack mumbles his agreement before the two of them head out towards the hotel. Will smiles over at Derek, “It’s probably about time we head back too, can I walk you home?”

It’s a mark of just how much Derek has discovered he likes Will Poindexter in the last few hours that he doesn’t chirp him for the weak flirting game, or the fact that they’re staying in the same hotel and Will’s room is three floors closer to the hotel bar than Derek’s is. “I’d like that,” he told Will.

“I actually have a question to ask you first, okay? Don’t laugh. I know we just met, but I would really love to take you to dinner tomorrow night, like a real date. I know our teams don’t like each other, but it’s only like an hour long plane ride from Toronto to New York, and I just really want to be able to say I’ll get to see you again after this weekend ends.”

Derek thinks to himself that this might be how he dies, with the most adorable man in the world telling him that he’s perfectly happy to try long distance after only knowing each other for a handful of hours. ���I would love nothing more than to go on a date with you, tomorrow and the next day, and the day after that.” They’ve made it up to Derek’s floor at this point, and he looks down at Will. “Meet me at breakfast at 10?” The way that Will’s eyes light up is almost too much for Derek to handle and he has to bend down to kiss his cheek before the night is over. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Sleep tight.”

As Will walks away, Derek watches him leave and then steps into his room to scream into his pillows. He’s got a date with a brilliant man the next day and nothing could be better.

[wetookanoath]

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but in the first postmortem the boys do, Ryan says that Shane once told him that he [Shane] wants his last words to be “Keep Rolling.” Do you think you could write a fic based on that? I feel like your writing would be perfect for that style fic. If you don’t want to, I understand. I love you ❤️❤️

Originally, this was two fics. One was the answer to this prompt that I started to write almost TWO years ago that then morphed into a parallel story to Like You Want To Be Loved from Ryan’s POV, and the other was a birthday gift for @mercury-skies (I’m so sorry I missed the date!), but then I realized both were pretty similar and said, “fuck it, canon divergence”. Which… is what this is, lol. In this Canon Divergence kinda AU thing, Shane has had Obi since he moved to LA.

Dear Soph, I hope you like this little thingy. I’m so sorry it took so long, I hope your birthday was as wonderful as you. I love you, you are one of the reasons I’m in this fandom still, and one of my best friends. I hope to have you in my life for a thousand years.

PS: It’s not a parallel story to LYWTBL.

(Read on AO3)

I’ll Stick With You, Baby, For A Thousand Years

If you asked Ryan, it all started in the Sallie House.

He had known Shane for almost two years before he asked him to be part of Unsolved. There was a certain amount of nervousness when he did so, and a sweet and almost shy smile on Shane’s face when he said yes without looking at him, pretending to not be excited. 

Ryan knew then it had been a good idea.

In that evil house, he confirmed this thought when he had ran out of the place with his blood rushing through his veins in hot waves, heart pounding crazy in his ears. He couldn’t hear anything but the million ways his brain had told him the demon inside the house was going to kill him if he kept messing with it in there, Shane’s juvenile laugh so far away now that Ryan wondered if he had imagined it.

At first, he also thought he was imagining the man coming out of the house in such a calm manner, it made Ryan feel even more uneasy. But his friend had approached him, asked if he was okay, and when he hadn’t gotten an answer, waited until Ryan was ready to look up at him a few seconds later.

“We have to get back inside, Ryan,” he had said and Ryan had shook his head no, no, no, never. “Look, I know you’re scared but this is our job now, man. We committed to this, we are gonna finish this together.”

“I don’t want to die…” he murmured. Shane chuckled but it didn’t really sound offensive to his ears. In a way, it made him feel a bit better that the man found all this so funny.

Shane was smiling, that was the trick that did it. He smiled at Ryan, bright and kind, finding Ryan’s fear endearing somehow and not shameful. His hands were on Ryan’s shoulders in a heartbeat, his face neutral as he spoke again.

“You are not gonna die, I won’t let that happen. None of us will.” He said. “You are already the bravest of us by deciding to walk in there earlier today, knowing that you believe in whatever could be there.”

“Are you admitting there’s a demon in the house?”

“I’m admitting nothing but the only truth we know for sure: you believe in it, it scares you, and yet you set foot there like a boss.” He smiled again, squeezing Ryan’s right shoulder. “In my book, you’ve already won against that bitch little girl.”

At the time, it had made him laugh. Ryan swallowed and nodded, readying himself to get back into the house when Shane’s hands cradled his face in his big hands. His heart stopped beating and for a second, Ryan wished Shane would kiss him.

The man looked at his face instead, as if searching for something Ryan wasn’t sure was in him. After a few seconds, he smirked.

“Let’s get back in there, little guy.” It was the first time he had called him that and it made Ryan want to listen to him forever. “Let’s finish this job.”

They had gone in there together, Shane behind him, ready to push him into the place if necessary but it wasn’t. Instead, Ryan had tried his best to not piss his pants and let Shane keep laughing in the face of danger like if he wasn’t scared for the soul of his friend.

Shane made things different, Ryan noticed, in a way he hasn’t witnessed before. 

Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t believe that made him brave in Ryan’s eyes, screaming and laughing at empty spaces Ryan thought were filled with evil they couldn’t see. But Shane looked back at him, the tender smile of earlier and Mexico City, and San Jose, and that afternoon at work when he had popped the question, so sweet on his lips, making his face kinder and Ryan had to blink back unknown tears.

“You really are scared, aren’t you?” Shane asked him later as they laid down on the floor.

He had gotten his sleeping bag closer to Shane and the man had laughed, allowing him this as he was allowing him so much lately. Ryan said nothing to his question, thinking it unnecessary when it was so obvious what was happening to him.

Many shadows were taking strange shapes, windows seemed to get darker, and Shane came into view still with all the lights off. Ryan looked at him as the man got closer to Ryan and laid on his side, looking at him.

“Give me,” he said. Ryan frowned and realized he was offering him his hand. Shane was asking for his. “Give me that hand.”

Hesitant, Ryan moved his hand until it was on Shane’s. The man grabbed it like if he was trying to warm it up, keeping it against his in a firm grip without interlocking their fingers or doing anything else, just holding it. Shane sighed, licking between his lips before squeezing Ryan’s hand.

“Nothing you think may be out there is real.” He murmured, Ryan was already aware this was something they were getting cut for the video. “Nothing out there can hurt you, I promise you that.”

“You can’t do that.”

The man smiled. “Don’t contradict me, Bergara, never underestimate my competitiveness.”

Ryan couldn’t help but giggle at that, both of them were certainly assholes when it came to competing against others and against each other. In a way, it was one of the first things that attracted him to Shane, the way he seemed to encourage him into competing with him to be the best new thing in the office. It was insufferable and oddly motivational.

“I’ll keep you safe and alive just so I can say I told you so.”

“I bet you would.”

Shane’s eyes closed, he was still smiling as sleepiness started to call him back into its arms. Ryan swallowed as he thought of leaving again. But as if sensing his thought, Shane squeezed his hand.

“You are safe with me, angel.”

Somehow, it gave him the courage to stay until past the witching hour. Shane had laughed at his inability to stay for the rest of the night but had put his hand on his thigh as they drove away from the house, looking at him with a soft smile.

“I’m proud of you,” he said, and it rang in Ryan’s ears for the rest of the night. He was unable to sleep, even in the comfort of their hotel room.

He thought there, as he tossed around the mattress and the sheets, that Shane was some kind of handsome he hadn’t noticed before. He was cute, always has been. Funny and caring, protective in a way.

And he also had a girlfriend.

**

“I got one.” Shane said.

“Shoot!”

“What post-apocalyptic world is the most interesting you’ve seen in a movie?”

Ryan took a deep breath, thinking of his answer as he drove. They were alone in the car, the rest of the crew had taken their own rental with the excuse of wanting to sleep, “the truth is that you two never shut up”, Mark had told them. And Ryan was actually kind of be grateful for it. He enjoyed these 20 Questions sessions more than he cared to admit.

“Maybe Mad Max? I mean, it would be bananas to live in that!” he answered, and Shane chuckled at it. “Ugh, you’re going to say something pretentious like The Matrix or Terminator.”

“What’s pretentious about Terminator?!” Shane kept laughing, his eyebrows high and face surprised.

They laughed together a few more seconds before Shane answered. “My answer is kind of obscure, actually.”

“Holy shit.”

“But that’s not how 20 Questions goes, Ryan.”

“Shit, I don’t give a fuck.” He frowned, then rolled his eyes when he saw Shane looking at him with that shitty grin of his. “Okay then, same question for you.”

There was a shift in the air and Ryan wasn’t sure what to make of it, but Shane was suddenly serious, looking to the road outside the window.

“Children of Men.”

An obscure future for sure. 

“Why?”

Shane smiled at him. “It’s my turn.”

“Oh, come on!”

The man giggled but cleared his throat before answering. “I think it’s something not so far away or impossible.” He said. “And I found it interesting, the way people reacted around the girl and her miraculous child.” Shane licked his lips and swallowed. “Hopeless world suddenly has hope in the form of a young lady and a baby…”

“I always thought it was kind of like the Jesus tale,” Ryan commented. “Mary was just a random young kid having the son of God, the hope that was promised.”

“Oh yeah, like obvious Christian imagery aside, it’s very interesting.”

Ryan sighed, the silence that followed felt oddly charged but none dared to break it. It felt sacred too, like if they had just shared something important and not just an opinion on a movie’s portrayal of the world after its end. 

“You were raised Christian, right?” Shane asked suddenly.

“Catholic,” he murmured. “Even went to a Catholic school, and Grandma Bergara made sure to remind me every Sunday why I shouldn’t wake up early that day. Church ain’t that fun.”

Shane said nothing for a few seconds, then asked: “You think believing in ghost has something to do with your faith?”

Ryan frowned, thinking about his answer again. It was his turn to ask, but Shane’s question tickled in his brain as he thought over his family, the exchange in cultures, all that spiritualism he had absorbed over the years.

He had been a non-believer of the supernatural in his early teens, but had faith. Ryan wasn’t sure if it was actually something he grew up to have or was something he had picked from his parents. Regardless, he wasn’t a religious person but he had faith.

“Maybe,” he finally said. “I have faith there’s something else after death. Sometimes souls don’t pass on and stay here.”

“What about demons and all that, Ryan?”

“Well…” His hands were sweating on the steering wheel, Ryan swallowed before answering again. “If there’s good, there’s evil. One can’t exist without the other.” He repeated what his grandmother once told him. “Why are you asking me this?”

Shane looked at him as if he had been caught doing something wrong. His eyes were wide open and his eyebrows were up again. He recovered soon, clearing his throat and sitting straighter on his seat.

“Well, I don’t believe in any of that. I get curious.”

Ryan looked at him for a few seconds, then back at the road.

“So you’re saying, you don’t have faith?” Ryan asked, Shane blinked. “I mean, not like a religion or something. But, just faith that there may be more.”

“No, I guess I don’t,” he murmured.

There were a million other things Ryan wanted to ask him. Even after so many years, he still had so many questions for the man, and he hoped the roads never ended for them, for their little show to keep giving them excuses to leave town and experience all this together.

In that moment, though, Ryan changed the subject by keeping their previous game with more questions about movies and simpler, sillier things.

Shane’s words still echoed in his head as they kept going and the night approached with their arrival to the hotel. Tomorrow they would be working, but tonight they still had a few minutes to spare with each other, laying together on the same bed of their double room.

“I would really like to believe in something, you know?” Shane said, one arm over his forehead as he looked at the ceiling. “Wrap myself into it, find something beyond what is said and done.”

“Why?”

There was no answer for him, just Shane’s eyes piercing Ryan’s soul as he seemed to be looking for something on his face again. It was then that his free hand moved, fingers holding Ryan’s chin up as Shane kept watching.

“Because it’s terrifying to live in a world so still!” he suddenly said with enough goofiness to distract anyone from the grey shadow that had appeared over him. Ryan blinked a couple of times. “If there’s something else aside from the things we know, well, I gotta know too! Wouldn’t that be something?”

“Yeah.” Ryan answered after a pause. “I guess it would.”

The silence that followed made him think of Shane these past months they’ve spent together, travelling for their show and how it had become theirs after it had been his for what felt like an eternity. Make no mistake; Brent had been a good host, one of his best friends still. But the man was never as present as Shane seemed to be now, so involved and worried for it to be as perfect as possible.

Shane, the perfectionist. Going behind Ryan to edit better, giving him so many great ideas that Ryan didn’t know how else to credit him other than to name him co-parent of this little project that was becoming popular. He wondered for a moment where would Unsolved take them, if it was going to become a monster or an angel.

“I really wanna see a ghost, Ryan.” Shane said suddenly, making him look back to find Shane sitting on the bed. “You better prove me wrong.”

It felt like a promise.

“Oh, you’ll eat your words, sir,” he said, and Shane smiled at him. “You’re gonna kiss my ass soon, we are so gonna get something one of these days.”

They laughed together; it seemed like they were always laughing together about the same shit. Their laughter was bright and obscure, and sometimes it made other people wonder what was it. Maybe that was their own ghost, the thing only they could see.

Shane’s fingers caressed the tip of Ryan’s nose out of nowhere, and he blinked as he saw him wink and stand from the bed, walking towards the bathroom without saying any other words.

He had never seen him act this way with anyone else but his girlfriend. Ryan wondered if he was this open with his closer friends, if Ryan could consider himself one of them now. 

Back then, he wondered so many things that it felt like a never ending game of 20 Questions.

**

When Ryan first admitted he was in love, Shane was single and drunk in New Orleans.

Each city they visited fell into their laps in a way he had never experienced before, like each place had been waiting for them. Ryan knew it was in part because they cheated shamelessly and chose places were they could visit other touristy ends, have a good dinner with the crew, and sleep well when they weren’t covered in webs and dust.

But New Orleans had magic in the air, on its people, and around each corner.

They had partied with their crew and for the first time, Ryan felt like they were going to be friends forever. He had known these people for years now, but that night, when that they cheered together and promised each other another year of spooks and bad mornings, he just knew. 

Warm beer had never tasted so good.

By the time they made it to their room, they were drowned in laughter, trying to carry each other to their respective beds. They ended laying together on Shane’s, laughing at their inability to stand and walk, drunk out of their minds with Ryan pretended touching Shane wasn’t making him combust on the spot.

He remembered little bisexual Ryan watching his crush play football in high school, how he thought Rod had looked so good under the sun and he would never like anyone else ever. Not the way he had liked Rodrigo that summer when he was fourteen. Time made him braver, steps were given, confessions were made, hearts were broken, and time kept going by.

Now he was looking at Shane, kind and brilliant Shane, who was always smiling and looking out for him. Who was very available now, bathed in neon blue light with his cheeks and nose red, eyes closed before they finally opened and looked at Ryan.

Ryan wished he could take a picture of this. The way Shane was looking at him like there wasn’t anywhere else in the world he wanted to be and no one else in his life he wanted to be with. It made his heart suddenly turn, find a home in his crush that was no longer just a crush.

It couldn’t be. Not when Ryan was sure he would bare himself to this man and reveal his deepest secrets if he wanted, when he would sacrifice everything in exchange for just having Shane’s happiness and he would be grateful. Just like that, he blinked tears away, and he was in love.

His lips parted, but no words were spoken. Shane just looked at him, into his eyes, for what felt like forever, until his eyes started to move around his face as he so often did. Ryan licked his lips and Shane’s eyes were on them immediately.

“I wanna kiss you, angel.”

“Uh, okay.”

“I won’t,” he said. Ryan frowned and felt his heart tense. “We’re drunk, I don’t want to spoil our first kiss like that.”

“Oh.” And just like that, his heart was beating fast. Happy. “I wouldn’t mind…”

“I would. Big time.” He smiled. “It has to be perfect, Ry.” Shane said, putting one hand on Ryan’s cheek. “Like you.”

He wanted to cry, instead he chuckled and watched as Shane fell asleep with his hand on his face. He wasn’t sure when he had succumbed to dreams, but he woke up to Shane gone, from the bed and their room, and the sun burning his eyes like tears.

**

“Here’s a new one.” Ryan said as they drove to the theater. “Ideally speaking…”

“Mhm.” Shane exclaimed, listening.

“How would you like to die?”

“Ugh, getting dark already and we haven’t even eat anything,” the man said, making both of them laugh as he waited for an answer. “I guess asleep, right? We all want that, the less trouble the better.”

“Just asleep?”

“Sure.”

“No old age? Just any time is fine, laid down on the bed and pggghhh– dead.”

“What the fuck was that? Pgggh?” Shane laughed, Ryan smiled as he finally saw the mall building and the slightly small line to enter the parking lot. “Oh man, you already know the answer. Old age is fine, though I’ve been feeling fifty since I was fifteen.”

The car filled with laughs, and they stayed in comfortable silence while Ryan looked around the lot to park. He sighed, reminded himself to be cool, he didn’t need to scare off Shane already on their first non-official date. He wanted to ask him if this movie thing was in fact a date, or if he had dreamed what happened in New Orleans.

But ever since that night, Shane had been especially attentive with him. And Ryan was no liar, he well loved the coffee in the morning, the good night texts, Shane’s jacket around his shoulders when they walked around like a pair of old men in the afternoon. 

Yet, he didn’t have the guts or the will to deal with the answer being no. Ryan reminded silent.

“My turn,” Shane said when Ryan finally parked, he nodded and waited for the question. “What would you like your last words to be?”

“Oh boy.” His eyebrows moved on its own, already thinking of the answer for such a hard question.

“‘Oh boy’?” Shane’s own eyebrows went high, Ryan shook his head and the man laughed. “What? Are you going to be, like, killed by aliens or something?”

“Why aliens? You are watching The X Files again, don’t you?” he frowned, killing the engine as he looked at Shane, whose eyes had closed and become moons as he giggled like a child. “Fuck, I should have never told you about my crush on Mulder.”

“You like spooky boy!” 

“Oh my god, I’m on ninth grade again…”

“I was totally your type in ninth grade, though. A giant nerd.” He answered, the comment made Ryan’s heart beat faster.

“Jesus, that would be like– illegal, you know?” He reminded him. “I was a tiny child, you were a teen and a half!”

“Oh!” Shane seemed to remember. “Holy shit, I’m older!” His hand went to his mouth, he shook his head no and looked at him. “Christ, I’m glad we met as adults. Jesus.”

Ryan smiled at him and sighed before going back to the actual subject they were discussing previous to their latest branch in the conversation. “I think… I don’t know, man. I try not to think of me dying, it gives me… anxiety and stuff.”

“Uh, anxiety and stuff.” Shane repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I think I will have to think about this one for a while and then I’ll get back to you.”

Shane smiled at him. He had unfasted the safety belt but hadn’t made any move to get out of the car. They still had a few minutes to spare, so Ryan said nothing and waited.

“I would like my last words to be something positive,” Shane said, and Ryan nodded, trying not to think of a world were Shane wasn’t there. “‘Keep going.’ Something like that.”

Ryan smiled again, his heart was feeling trapped inside his chest and he didn’t like the sensation. There were walls around him, caging him in the deep, dark and cold sea. If he kept thinking about it, about Shane dying, he would–

“I guess leaving this world on a positive note would be good,” Ryan said, hoping Shane wouldn’t notice the anxiety this small conversation had already given him. “Let’s go, big guy. I want to buy us the biggest popcorn they allow us to.”

Shane chuckled, opening his door and following him into the darkness of the parking lot, the noise of the city and the people walking around in their own private worlds. They walked side by side, the silence a bit forced. Ryan licked his lips, thinking of small conversation before he felt warm fingers on his.

Looking down at his hand, he saw Shane’s own taking it like he did a year ago in Kansas. Back then, he hadn’t interlocked their fingers as he was doing now, and it made Ryan look up at him to find him staring nervously at nothing in particular, front and nowhere else.

Ryan smiled, giving Shane’s hand a gentle squeeze. The silence felt warm even when his friend was too tall to hold hands like normal people do.

Normal was something he didn’t dare to be ever since he left college. It wasn’t what Ryan was, he guessed. And with Shane, he was just real.

**

He wasn’t sure when one date became many. Ryan wasn’t about to question it, though, he sure as hell was more than happy to keep going with Shane everywhere. 

The man took his hand, let him put an arm around his waist or interlock his arm to Shane’s while walking, and it all felt natural, like if they had been destined to be like this since before they met.

When he got that sappy, Ryan knew he needed to kiss Shane soon and call him his boyfriend sooner. Time had been nice to them and it was time for that payoff he had been waiting since New Orleans earlier that year.

**

Little after they started to film season 3 of Supernatural, things changed.

The rain had caught them on their way to Shane’s apartment building after they had found parking on the side. 

After the movies, they had gone to dinner and argued about Shane paying more than Ryan had on the cinema earlier the day. Ryan had lost the argument for the time being, but it didn’t matter if it let him see Shane smile, make him look all smug and charming. 

When they entered the lobby, the desk guy gave them a once over and sighed, making them laugh again before Ryan put on his tiptoes and ruffled Shane’s hair, drops going in all directions and making things worse. But the man smiled at him, sweet and open, looking so young it only made Ryan wish they could have this forever, that he could enjoy this man as he was for the longest time.

He kept thinking of a life like this, in which they got together to the same place after a long day of work. Where they could leave their shoes behind the fridge to dry them and their wet clothes spread around the bathroom to then wear comfy pants and old t-shirts, share a cozy bed that smelled of Shane and his chocolate shampoo.

“I can take the cou–”

“Nope,” Shane told him, pushing him in the direction of his bedroom. 

He also had a spare room. None of them mentioned it either.

Shane’s room was a world of its own. Like the rest of his apartment, it had movie posters here and there, books and toys, collection worthy items of shows and films he loved, and his silent cat Obi in the corner, hidden on his Amazon box where Ryan couldn’t reach him.

“He’ll come along, don’t worry,” Shane told him, patting the space at his side on the bed. “I’m not gonna bite you, Ry.”

“Jesus.” Ryan laughed, feeling his cheeks warmth. Once on the bed, he saw Obi peek out the box to watch them settle under the sheets together. “He’s watching us…”

“He’ll come later and sleep over my head. Maybe yours!”

“Uh…” Ryan blinked, hoping the shot he got for his allergies last week worked as it should. “Let’s hope you don’t have to drive me to the hospital in the middle of the night.”

“I can take him out, it’s no problem,” Shane assured him, frowning at the thought of Ryan’s allergies reacting bad around him. 

Ryan smiled at him. “It’s okay,” he said. “First, I got that damn shot and it better work because it actually hurt like a motherfucker. Two, it’s been years since I last reacted badly to being exposed to cat hair, so I don’t think it will be bad. If so, just a few sneezes. I can take those sneezes.”

“Are you sure?” Shane asked, still very serious, and so very close to Ryan’s face.

“Yeah. This is his house, I’m the visitor,” he answered, giving the same thought he always has regarding his dogs. Shane smiled at him this time, taking his chin with his fingers. 

“Shane?”

“You’ll be a good stepfather,” he murmured, Ryan swallowed visibly but only nodded. Shane’s fingers moved, his palm now over Ryan’s cheek and he leaned into it, sharing a smile with Shane. “I got it now.”

“What?”

“‘Keep rolling.’” he said. Ryan frowned and moved his head a little, trying to understand what the man was talking about. “What I would like my last words to be.”

“Oh.”

“No, hear me out.” He laid down, making Ryan lay at his side. His hand was still on his face, fingers caressing his cheek lovingly. 

Ryan didn’t had the heart to tell him he didn’t like this conversation, that he had forgotten all about it in the months they had been getting this close and wasn’t looking forward to being anxious on Shane’s bed when it was his first time here. But Shane looked happy as they were, smiling at Ryan as he caressed his cheek gently.

“I either become the next David Fincher,” Ryan laughed at that, knowing exactly where this was going. “Or die by a demon’s paw on location, and you better keep rolling.”

“God, don’t say that!” Ryan begged, feeling his throat close like that time months ago when they had first gone out and talked about this. “I would never let you die on location. Or ever.”

“You are not gonna let me die?” Shane smiled, his thumb caressed Ryan’s skin with care. It made Ryan sigh. “Do you plan on keeping me forever, Bergara?”

If there was a double meaning to this, Ryan took it, nodding without finding his voice to say something else. Maybe something romantic, confess his feelings and how he had them for so long. Instead, Shane’s forehead leaned on his and they shared the same air, his warm breath making Ryan want to close his eyes and lean into those lips.

“I’ll stick with you, you know,” Shane said. Ryan nodded again and this time, he closed the distance between them.

Shane wanted a perfect kiss, he had told him that in New Orleans months ago. If the two of them smelling of rain and Shane’s aftershave, nested on his sheets as his cat purred somewhere on the pillows over their heads wasn’t the perfection he was looking for, then Ryan was willing to spend the rest of his life searching for it as long as it let him kiss those lips.

He softly moved against Shane’s mouth as the man moaned between them, parting his lips to deepen the kiss. Both his hands were now on Ryan’s face, cradling it gently as they kissed ever so slowly, almost scared of somehow ruining the other, like the other was a precious crystal to be kept untouched.

But they were free to touch each other, and Ryan’s hands were reminded of this as he sank his fingers into Shane’s hair while his other hand traveled down his back, and up again, until it went to his waist and held him there to never let him go.

Their lips made a wet sound when they went apart, Ryan’s eyes still closed, unable to come back to a reality where he wasn’t tasting Shane’s mouth. The man’s soft laugh made him finally open his eyes and find him staring back at Ryan with that spark in his eyes, the same one he had seen so many times before, that many people were noticing in their videos and their Instagram posts.

“I guess that’s a yes?” Shane murmured, Ryan chuckled and rolled his eyes, pecking his lips one, two and three times before kissing him long again, more passionate this time. “Such a good kisser, I knew you were gonna rock my boat.”

“Oh, I’m rocking it. I’m rocking it alright. All night if I can.”

Shane’s smile widened, his face getting pink. “Keep rolling, angel.”

**

If Ryan was dreaming, he better never woke up. 

The morning after he spent the night at Shane’s, he woke up before the man. He watched him sleep for a few seconds, having to get out bed when Obi kept looking at him as if judging him for being a creep. Ryan gave it to the cat, he was maybe being weird, but Shane looked so peaceful and content, it was hard to look away.

He used the bathroom, dressed up in Shane’s button down from last night and his own boxers, and left the room for the kitchen, Obi right behind him, meowing his gratefulness as he ran to the little home office where Ryan knew his scratcher was.

Obi scratched at his toy, the sound filling the apartment in the early morning of the best weekend of Ryan’s life, and he decided right then that he could get used to this and be happy forever.

What had started so long ago felt like it was coming to a friendly end, a thing that initiated something else. Ryan supposed his grandma was right, and every ending, happy or sad, is just a new beginning and this one had left him with purple and reddish marks on his neck, hand prints on his hips, beard burns where only he could see and feel, and a happy smile on his face.

He sighed, very much aware of how he knew Shane’s kitchen as if it were his own, how Shane liked his coffee and what kind of breakfast he liked to have. 

Today was going to be a great morning, no matter what.

**

Ryan never thought people would pick up on his closeness with Shane by such small things like saying– okay, yeah. Maybe that wasn’t so common, right? To know what your friend wanted his last words to be? He blinked a couple of times, scrolling down the comments section of their first ever Q & A video for their Unsolved episodes.

This had been one of Shane’s strokes of genius, a small video answering questions and comments for each video they got out on Friday. It wasn’t strange at all that management had liked the idea and greenlight it for them to film every Monday to go online on Wednesday.

Looking at the comments, wondering what people would say of their newest addition, Ryan never thought he would encounter praise for their friendship, “they really are that close”, and well. He arched an eyebrow. He would expect so, seeing this was the man he was sleeping with now.

“Stop doing that to yourself,” he heard at his side, Ryan turned to see Shane still driving, looking in front instead of him. “I see you, stop torturing yourself with the comments sections. That’s a strange place and you know it.”

“I just wanted to know what they thought of the Post Mortem thing.”

“You can tell the intern to have a look at that.” He smiled, looking at Ryan for a few seconds before turning his eyes to the road again. 

Ryan sighed, leaning his head on the window as he watched Shane drive, an unusual image that felt like some sort of dream to him. One that came true, he noted. His reality couldn’t be happier now, even if they weren’t ready to put it everywhere on social media yet.

“They say we’re really close.”

“Well, seeing we have dick appointments with each other, I would hope so.”

He chuckled, their laughs echoing in the car before they sank into comfortable silence. 

That day had been actually good. They had gotten the green light on their idea to go to England, have some episodes of Unsolved over there, and enjoy vacations after. It meant not only another step on their growing show, but a step in their relationship.

Vacations with Shane to another country, now that they were together… boy, maybe the fact that they were such good friends before getting into each other’s skin the way they had done was a good thing. It took off some of the initial doubts and awkwardness, let him dive into domesticity and couple life as soon as possible.

“We are really close,” Shane said while they waited on a red light. Ryan looked at him. The man smiled when he looked back. “I don’t think anyone knows me like you do.”

“Oh, come on…” he said with a huge grin, face feeling warm. “I already suck your cock, no need to say those things.”

Shane chuckled and shook his head. “You little shit, I mean it!”

Ryan laughed, leaving his phone aside and looking as Shane’s face turned bright, his happy expression ever so beautiful on him, and it made Ryan feel proud to know he had put that face on him. He sighed as Shane drove again, closer to his apartment now.

“Ry?” he called him. Ryan looked back and waited. “When was the last time you were in your apartment?”

His face felt warmer. If he hadn’t blushed before, he sure was now.

“I, I can take a Lyft–”

“No, no.” Shane looked at him for a couple of seconds, then back to the road. “In fact, you don’t have to go back anymore if you don’t want to.” He said, Ryan’s eyes opened wide. “You know?”

“Shane…”

“I’m saying, come live with me. Us.” He said, smiling at him when they stopped on another red light. “I’m sure Obi would love to have you there officially.”

Ryan blinked a couple of times, heart pounding in his chest as he thought of his initial question. When was the last time he was in his own apartment? He couldn’t even remember. And he didn’t have to.

Looking up at Shane, Ryan nodded with a big smile.

“I would love to, big guy.”

“Great!”

The light turned green, and they kept going, closer to home.

**

“I’m just saying, people know I love you,” Shane said and Ryan looked at him immediately, eyes wide open. But the man kept scrolling down his Twitter feed, distracted. “I don’t think it would be a bad idea for us to just… Get out there and say it.”

“Shane,”

“I guess neither of us are out of the closet online, but it’s not like if we have been hiding all this time. Have we?” He finally put the phone down, looking at Ryan with a frown.

He blinked a couple of times, watching Shane act like if he hadn’t just drop a bomb on them with such simple words. It wasn’t even the ‘coming out online’ shit that was about to give him a headache, but the copious amount of times Ryan was to overthink Shane confirming he loved him that had left him mute.

Shane arched an eyebrow, looking behind him, then back at Ryan who was still pretty much in shock. He left his phone of the coffee table and cradle Ryan’s face as he often did.

“Ry?”

“You, you said–”

The man blinked, unaware of what was going on. He seemed to be thinking about it, probably going through their previous conversation to understand why Ryan was so still, so into his head to even talk.

Shane’s eyes widened and he looked about ready to panic for just a few seconds, but it was all replaced with a huge grin and that shine in his eyes that melted Ryan in the spot.

“People do know I love you.”

Ryan’s face felt warm, he wondered what color he was blushing. Shane kept smiling at him, caressing his cheeks before kissing him softly, the cat purring somewhere on Ryan’s back, probably rolling his eyes at them being like this once again in his presence, right in front of his whiskas. 

He wanted to yell at himself, so easily distracted from the moment with every thought that passed his head, every sound outside their bubble. Ryan was nervous, Shane chuckled against his lips after he barely responded, probably aware he was just… so anxious for nothing.

“Do you know I love you?” Shane asked, his voice sounding so soft, it made Ryan swallow.

“I… I don’t know…  I do now?”

Shane chuckled again, this time getting closer to Ryan’s face to kiss his forehead. Shane hugged him, letting Ryan lean his head on his shoulder. The vibrations of his laugh made him look up, clearing his throat before cradling Shane’s face. 

The man smiled at him.

“I love you,” Ryan murmured. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

“Mmm.” The man smiled. “I know.”

Ryan laughed, he could easily slap Shane for Han Solo-ing him, but there was just– his eyes and the way he was kissing him, how far they had come. Ryan kissed him softly, deepening the kiss as soon as he could, pushing the man to lay into the couch with him on top.

“Scoundrel.” 

Shane smiled, pecking his lips once before finally, finally saying: “I love you too, sweetheart.”

**

If you asked Ryan, things started in the Sallie House.

That night, his attraction to Shane made itself notice in the way Ryan’s heart kept beating fast as the man held his hand between them, laying on the floor as he tried to sleep again. He had taken the footage from the final cut of the video, never spoke about it with the man until years later, when they were more than friends and had started to live together.

Watching it now, how young they were and how much was ahead, it made him smile.

“We were so fucking obvious, holy shit.” Shane murmured at his side, looking through cut footage from many episodes of their show. “You think people will be like ‘we been knew’ when they see this?”

“I think half of the internet already has, Shane.” He conceded. It had been a hilarious couple of years with fans and homophobes alike saying the weirdest, sometimes amazing things on their every platform. “But I think it’s time, don’t you?”

“Ryan, why did you never tell me that you can see my hard on during Goatman’s Bridge?” Shane asked instead, serious with a shine in his eyes that made Ryan’s whole body shiver. “This is the kind of cut shit you should show me more often, angel.”

“You are into such weird shit…” Including him, Ryan wanted to add. Ryan bit his bottom lip, waiting for Shane to answer.

When it didn’t come, he looked up from the tiny video they were doing to “officially” announce their relationship. Shane wasn’t on his side of the bed, and when Ryan looked around to find him, the man had taken away his laptop and tugged at his heels to get him under his body.

“What are you doing, you weirdo?” Ryan asked between laughs, Shane winked at him.

“You know what else is mine aside from that bridge?”

“Oh my God. No, no, get out! We have work to do!”

“You.” He smirked. “You are mine, baby. Until death do us apart. And maaaaybe beyond, right? If your faith can guide us there.”

He felt his cheeks blush, Shane’s smile was too sweet for someone who was about to bone his boyfriend a second time that day. Ryan rolled his eyes, smiling at him when Shane brushed his crotch with his, already getting hard in his pants. 

“You are so fucking corny.” 

“Horny, baby. Horny.”

If you asked Ryan, this was the start of the golden years of their lives together.

***

**

*