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5-seconds-of-bucky · 4 years ago

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Glad It’s You (Shawn Mendes Soulmate!au)

A/N: We got all kinds of classic tropes and au’s in here. Coffee shop, friends to lovers, soulmate. Also, let’s appreciate the fact that it’s actually of decent length this time :) My longest fic yet!

Also, I’m aware that the timeline of some events that correspond to real life aren’t perfect but for the sake of my sanity please go with it

Summary: Shawn lives in a world in which he believes he doesn’t have a soulmate until he starts feeling the emotions of someone else. You live in a world where undiagnosed social anxiety prevents you from finding yours. After not seeing each other for three years, the bond you once had is no longer as strong. How does Shawn tell you that he thinks you’re his soulmate when you’re still scared to talk to him like you once did?

Word count: 8.9k+

Warnings: Reader is heavily implied to have social anxiety, swearing, descriptions of an anxiety attack

*Disclaimer: The depiction of social anxiety is based off of my own experience and research and may or may not accurately reflect the experience of other people with SAD*

It was hard to tell if soulmates made life infinitely better or perpetually more difficult.

The discrepancy probably stemmed from the fact that not everyone had the same soulmate indicator. Some had the tattoos of the occupation of their soulmate. Some couldn’t see color until they met theirs. Others could feel the emotions of the other person. There was an endless array of indications. Oftentimes, soulmates had different indicators. It wasn’t rare for someone to have a tattooed name while their soulmate could feel the other’s emotions.

Since the day you were born, the initials S.M. were tattooed on the inside of your wrist. As a child it was a game. You asked every person you met what their name was, your mind consumed with the idea of eternal love that had been ingrained from a young age. There was always a moment of disappointment when they would tell you “Sammy Jones” or “Eric Miller”. With all the adults romanticizing the idea of soulmates, it was hard not to look for yours in every place you could.

For a long time, Shawn thought he didn’t have a soulmate. There were no indicators while he was growing up to show that he could have one. He could see color and there were no special tattoos marking his body. It was a source of shame when his friends would ask, “What about you?” after telling him about theirs. Watching his friends talking about their indicators and finding their soulmates was frustrating. He was a normal kid. What did he do to deserve a life of loneliness that only a soulmate could fill?

Even when his career as a singer launched and he started to understand why it was possible that he might never find love, it was hard to comprehend that he was destined for no one. Was he really that undeserving of love?

He was twenty when he started feeling someone else’s emotions.

It came out of nowhere. He was celebrating the release of his third album and he couldn’t have been happier. He was on cloud nine, meeting everyone at the party with an enthusiastic smile and hug. He felt complete, even. He had stopped dwelling on his lack of soulmate and instead focused on putting everything he had into his songwriting.

It was the best choice he’d ever made. His music blossomed and his mental health was better than ever. All the anxiety of being alone and hoping that something, anything, would pop up to show him that he was meant for someone had started to fade to the background. Maybe he would never truly be over the fact that there was no perfect match for him but he could try to block it out of his mind.

There was a point in his life when he thought that maybe he did have a soulmate. That the system was screwed up and he did have a person. He was 16 and his career was already taking off but he couldn’t help but think that he was falling in love with you, his best friend, while he also fell in love with making music.

You were by his side through it all: random nights when he’d ask you to come over to help him come up with lyrics, days when it started to get a little too much, evenings when he just needed a quick break. You were the best of friends and there was a bond you thought would never be broken.

One day, he realized that he didn’t need some tattoo or the ability to read your thoughts; you were meant for each other. Neither of you could deny the pull you felt when you were together and random people who didn’t know better often mistook you for a couple.

But he realized too late. He went on his first world tour and wasn’t sure how to tell you his feelings when he was constantly so far away. You liked plans and stability; his life didn’t offer that in any capacity.

And then it was too hard to stay connected. He was touring and you were still trying to finish school. There just wasn’t time for you to talk to him at 3:30 in the morning. So you lost touch. There was a text every once and awhile. An empty promise of “we need to meet up” or “wanna talk?”

You both decided in your minds that it wasn’t meant to be. That you had a different soulmate and he had none. It’s been three years now since you were together to have a real conversation. You were beginning to grow frustrated with the search for your soulmate and Shawn had given up all together.

That was, until he felt a surge of anxiety hit him like a truck in the middle of his party. It lasted no more than three seconds but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling after it passed. He had no idea where it came from. One second he felt on top of the world, the next like he couldn’t stoop lower.

It had only been an hour and a half but you were ready to leave the party. It had been an eventful night by your standards. You had talked to two people besides your roommate, which was two more than usual. Your roommate, Alana had been by your side the whole night, a promise she had to make before you agreed to come, but she eventually had to go to the bathroom, leaving you leaning against a wall by yourself. She had only been gone for three minutes, you could feel all the anxiety creeping up on you.

Do they think I look lonely? My friend will be back in a minute, I swear!

If I look at my phone they might think I’m just chilling.

They probably think I’m that weirdo that stands against the wall the whole time and doesn’t talk to people.

Calm down. Nobody cares what you’re doing. They’re all doing their own thing.

. . . They looked at me funny. They think I’m weird.

Oh can we just go home?

As much as you tried to tell yourself that no one cared that you were standing against the wall by yourself, there was that part of you that convinced you that they cared a lot. You were already exhausted purely from being around all the people and loud music. Alana had been gone for three minutes and in those three minutes you had begun to shake and sweat just the slightest bit. You knew that nobody was judging you, it was irrational, but in the back of your mind told you otherwise.

Shawn excused himself from the room, taking a minute to gather his thoughts. While it wasn’t completely abnormal for random bouts of anxiety to hit him, this one felt different. Foreign, as though it wasn’t his own emotions, rather, someone else’s.

He wiped his hands on his pants, confused as to why they were so sweaty all of a sudden. It wasn’t particularly hot yet he felt warm. Maybe he was worrying too much. It was probably nothing. He ran a hand through his hair before going back to the party, putting a smile on his face and the past ten minutes behind him.

“Hey man, you alright?” Brian asked as he approached him.

‘Yeah, just needed to go to the bathroom.”

“You sure? You look a little shaken.” He wasn’t blind to how Shawn’s eyes were darting around and how he appeared a little more closed off than usual.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He turned his head when someone else called his name and nodded to Brian before heading over to them. He spent the rest of the night doing his best to look excited, but those three seconds plagued his mind the whole time.

While Shawn struggled to keep his hopes of a soulmate under wraps, you were more desperate than ever to find yours. It seemed like all of your friends were finding theirs and you were perpetually alone.

With the way you tended to shy away from meeting new people, most people assumed you didn’t want to find your soulmate. That you would rather live a life alone, or that maybe you were never assigned a soulmate to begin with.

You had met a few potential soulmates after losing touch with Shawn. Every time you heard an S.M. name your heart stopped. Maybe you had finally found them. You pushed past the fear of approaching them, rationalizing it with the thought that this could be your only chance to find them. It never worked though. They all had an indicator pointing towards someone else, leaving you upset and embarrassed.

There was always a small part of you that thought Shawn could be your soulmate, even if he didn’t have any indication of one. You were sure he thought the same way but you lost touch before either of you could really say anything about it.

You thought about asking him to meet up when he was in town a few times but something stopped you every time. The thought of what if he doesn’t remember me? or worse, what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? was enough to keep you from sending the text.

It was easy to ignore your loneliness when you could bury yourself in schoolwork, which you had a tendency of doing. It was the easiest excuse to get out of everything. Don’t want to go to a party? Oh, I have to finish editing my essay. Alana tried to set you up on a blind date? I have tests coming up I need to study for.

Alana was determined to help you find your soulmate, even if you didn’t want to cooperate.

“Come on, Y/N. Maybe they’ll be at this party! I promise there won’t be a ton of people there and I know you finished that essay last night cause you told me about it and said that you were looking forward to a work free night,” she said, closing your laptop so you couldn’t “work” on your already finished essay.

“But I want to go over it a few more times to make sure everything is right,” you replied. “Besides, we went to a party last month.”

“Exactly, last month. Let’s go.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“You’re never going to meet your soulmate just sitting at your desk and pretending to work on an essay.”

“It’s not entirely impossible.”

“Y/N.”

So that’s how you ended up at the party, looking around for a potential soulmate. You insisted that they wouldn’t be there; they never were, but Alana insisted that a night out would be good for you, no matter the soulmate circumstance, and dragged you along.

Truth be told, it was a good thing she forced you to attend. If you had it your way, you would spend most nights in your room, ignoring the rest of the world and sitting on your phone. You were fine hanging with close friends every once and awhile, but a night in was always more appealing.

According to Alana, however, that wasn’t normal, and you needed to go out in the world and talk to people, unless you wanted to be alone forever.

You would say, “But I do want to be alone forever. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t even like going to the bank, much less a party filled with people I don’t know.”

And she would say, “Please, I know that you want to find your soulmate and the only reason you don’t like going to the bank is because it makes you nervous and you’re worried that the people working there are going to be mad at you for no reason.”

So you would say, “I’ve probably met all the potential soulmates already. What’s the chance that some random person is going to show up to the party and just happen to be that person?”

And she would tell you, “People randomly meet their soulmates all the time. Yours isn’t going to walk through this door without knowing you first. If you don’t at least leave this dorm you’ll never meet them. Think of how lonely they must feel, waiting for you to come out of hiding.”

And, as much as you wished you could, you couldn’t really argue with that. The real problem after that was talking to people. You argued that you’re already there, so there’s no reason that if your soulmate was at the party, they couldn’t come find you. Alana tried to get you to socialize by walking around with you and introducing you to new people, but they were usually more interested in talking with her than you.

That’s how you ended up against the wall, allowing yourself to overthink while Alana went to the bathroom.

Shawn continued to experience those random emotions throughout the tour. Random flashes of feelings that weren’t quite his. He would be lounging around when he would suddenly feel excited and energetic, only for it to pass by within a few seconds. One time, he was feeling particularly miserable when a surge of adrenaline and anger came through him.

He had no idea where the feelings were coming from. He was starting to think that they were somehow connected to his soulmate.

A glimmer of hope after years of desperation and disappointment.

Part of him wanted to dismiss it, thinking that no, I can’t have a soulmate. I’ve worked way too hard to get past this to dwell on it again. The other part wanted to take the idea and run with it.

He tried to argue with himself that it couldn’t be soulmate related.

It’s not like it happening all the time or constantly in the back of my mind.

How would this help me find them anyways?

It’s all in my head.

Still, it did little to block the thought that maybe, just maybe, it was related.

It was a quiet day at the coffee shop. Granted, most days were fairly quiet, as the shop was located in a secluded area, but still. You assumed it was mainly attributed to the fact that exams were coming up and people didn’t have time to drive down to the shop when there was a Starbucks much closer to the dorms. You were in the same predicament, having your books splayed out on the counter to study in between customers.

You and Shawn used to come to the coffee shop every Friday after school. Even after Shawn left to go on tour and live life as a rockstar, you made sure to visit the shop at least once a month. Afterall, you were friends with the owner, Eileen, and you would hate to just stop coming and never see her again.

You eventually landed a job there. It was a little bit of a drive from the dorms but you knew that when Eileen offered you the job, you wouldn’t be able to find one with as good pay and flexible hours anywhere closer. Sometimes being friends with the owner for a long time has its perks.

There was a collage of photos on the wall behind the register that made the place really feel like home. There were tons of random photos ranging from when the shop first opened to when Eileen took a picture of a slice of cake she insisted had a face in it.

You appeared on the wall a few times, but your favorite picture was the one of you and Shawn right before he left for tour the first time. You were both laughing in the picture, Shawn’s arm around your shoulders as you leaned into him. It was the last time you went to the shop together and you remembered just how fun of a time it was. It always left an ache in your heart when you looked at it, remembering all the good times you had together.

You didn’t have many other close friends, so once Shawn left for tour you felt a lot lonelier. Your mom tried to get you to make new friends, but it wasn’t as easy for you as she insisted it was.

“Why can’t you talk to the people across the road? They have a girl your age.”

“But she already has a friend group. We’ve lived across the street from each other for years. It would be weird if I suddenly introduced myself and tried to break into her friend group.”

“You’re never going to make friends if you don’t talk to people.”

“I have friends.”

“But don’t you want to hang out with more than two people?”

“No, I have my friends. That’s all I need.”

More often than not, you did wish you had more than two friends, or that Shawn would come back and eliminate the need to make new ones, but wishing did nothing to help your loneliness. You made a few more friends once you went to college, and you were completely okay with your small group, but it never satisfied the longing to see Shawn again.

“What are we doing here?” Brian asked as Shawn pulled into the parking lot of a worn down but homely looking building. “And what is this place?”

“It’s a coffee shop I used to come to every week. I haven’t seen Eileen in years,” Shawn said with a wistful look as he parked the car.

“Eileen?”

“The owner.”

Brian huffed, realizing that they would be stuck there for a while if Shawn knew the owner. He liked to talk to people. And when he talked, he talked and talked and talked.

“Relax, I’ll buy you a coffee.”

They both got out of the car and walked into the shop, Shawn smiling when he heard the bell above the door ring. He looked around for a second, noting how almost nothing changed since he’d last been there a few years ago. The chairs and tables were still in the same places, same coffee smell, even that stuffed cat that Shawn gave Eileen as a joke was still sitting on the windowsill.

The only big change he noticed was the photo wall. There were a lot more photos than he remembered. He wondered if he would still be able to find that picture of you and him.

He looked to the counter and saw a girl with Y/H/C hair, her head buried in the textbooks that were scattered across the counter.

“Dude, we getting coffee or what?” Brian said with a teasing smile, walking closer to the counter to read the menu posted on the wall behind it.

You were so invested in studying that you didn’t even hear the bell ring when they came in, only looking up when you saw someone approaching the counter out of the corner of your eye.

“Oh, hi, sorry ‘bout that. How can I help you?” you said as you looked up, met with the face of an oddly familiar young man.

“Can I get a-”

“Y/N?” Shawn questioned from behind him, confusion painting his face. He hadn’t seen you in three years but you didn’t look all that different. A little more mature, sure, but he could tell it was still obviously you.

You furrowed your eyebrows at the familiar voice, glancing behind Brian to see Shawn. Your eyes widened at his appearance, no longer a boy but now a man. “Shawn?”

“Hey, Y/N, can you empty the garbage and put it out back?” Eileen asked as she walked out of the small kitchen area that was closed off from the rest of the store. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Shawn, a smile taking over her face as she took in how he’d grown up over the years. “Shawn Mendes, is that you?”

“Indeed, it is,” he said with a shy smile. “How are you Eileen?”

“Pretty good if I do say so myself. How are you? How’s the rockstar life treating you?”

“It’s pretty great.”

Meanwhile, you were still staring at your former best friend, mouth slightly agape as you took him in.

“Well why don’t we get you two some coffees? On the house of course. Y/N, stop staring at the poor boy. It’s not like you’ve never met him before.”

You looked at the ground for a second and blushed, smiling at the sound of Shawn’s giggle.

“Alright, what can I get you guys?”

They gave you their orders and you got to work, denying the ten dollar bill Shawn offered you to pay for them.

“On the house, remember? Or are you Mr. rich guy now?” you asked with a slight surge of confidence. You hadn’t seen him in years, but the urge to tease him every chance you got was still there.

“Ooh, okay. You think I’ve changed that much?”

“A little bit. It’s been a while.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I am the exact same person as I was three years ago.”

“I’m not too sure about that, but okay.”

Shawn rolled his eyes and put the bill in the tip jar. “Alright, coffee girl. I would like my coffee in two minutes flat. No more no less. Brian is on a very tight schedule so we have to get him home in time for his nap.”

So Brian was his name. “Your wish is my command, good sir,” you said, bowing at him before turning around to start the drinks. You could hear Shawn giggle behind you, sending an eruption of butterflies to your stomach.

Shawn felt a slight nervous tinge as well. One that wasn’t quite his. He felt completely natural around you but maybe his soulmate was somewhere else feeling nervous about a presentation or something.

You gave the boys their coffee, sticking your tongue out at Shawn when he commented on how it took three and a half minutes instead of two and demanded his money back. You returned to the counter, trying your best to focus on studying. You kept getting distracted by Shawn’s voice, which carried across the shop, as he talked to Eileen. He was sitting in the same two person table against the wall that you used to sit in during your weekly visits.

“You need to go talk to him.” You jumped slightly when you noticed Eileen next to you.

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me,” you replied tentatively, flipping the page of your book in hopes that it would make it look like you were actually studying. The burst of confidence was gone and you came to the reality that you were both no longer the same person you used to be, therefore, you couldn’t keep that same dynamic.

“What makes you say that?”

“I dunno. Just a feeling.”

“Go talk to him. I know you want to.” She gave you a knowing look and you sighed. “I’ll take over for you for a bit. Go talk to your best friend.”

“But he’s with Brian and I don’t really know Brian and what if they don’t want to talk to me they just wanted to hang out and-”

“Y/N.”

Suddenly, the butterflies grew, and it became more of bird wings than butterflies. You took a deep breath and made you way over there, praying that it would be over quickly and you could go back to studying by yourself.

You quietly pulled up a chair and sat in it, waiting for Shawn to finish whatever story he was telling Brian.

“Y/N, just in time,” he said with enthusiasm. “I was just telling Brian the story about Willy the window cat.”

“Ahh, a classic.” Shawn could sense your unease and quickly introduced you to Brian. He was well aware of your lack of people skills and how uncomfortable you got around new people.

You spent the better part of the rest of the hour catching up with each other, Shawn doing a lot more talking than you, which you were completely fine with. You tried your best to not show how nervous you felt.

Even as you tried your best to hide it, Shawn was picking up on the nervous habits. Your lifestyles might’ve changed but you were still the shy girl who subconsciously picked at the inside of her elbow and bounced her foot excessively when nervous. It didn’t matter if you hadn’t seen each other in years, he still knew you like the back of his hand.

There were days, back when you were really friends, where he would reach over and grab your hand so you would stop picking, or place his hand on your knee to stop the bouncing. He chose to ignore it now, realizing that you had grown apart, and now wasn’t the time to jump back in so intimately. You were always self conscious about the habits and he didn’t want to make you more nervous by pointing them out.

Even though he was more focused on you throughout the conversation, he noticed how Brian was seemingly getting more and more bored hearing him talk. As much as he wanted to stay and talk to you, he knew he should probably get going. This was supposed to be a quick pit stop to drop in and say hello, not an hour long catch up with the girl he used to be sure was his.

“We should get going. I think Brian is going to walk home if I stay here much longer.” Brian’s head perked up at the mention of his name and Shawn chuckled.

“Meet you at the car. Nice meeting you, Y/N.” He was up and out the door in a matter of seconds, causing Shawn to chuckle again.

It didn’t sit all that well with you though.

Oh no, he doesn’t like me.

He thinks I’m some weirdo who doesn’t talk.

I barely know the guy and he already hates me.

“We should meet up, just the two of us, sometime. I’m on a break from tour if you’re free anytime soon,” Shawn said, breaking you out of your thoughts. “And don’t worry about Brian. I think he’s just tired.”

It did little to ease your fears but you smiled like it did anyways. Were you that easy to read? “Uhh, yeah. I have exams next week but we can meet after that.”

“Alright, how does the eighteenth sound?”

“That works.” You stood up and put your chair back at the table it came from, turning around to find Shawn closer than you expected him to be.

“Awesome. Text me your address so I can pick you up and take you somewhere.”

“Okay.” He threw you his signature smile and it made you melt a little.

“It was great seeing you, Y/N. Tell Eileen I said bye.”

“Good seeing you too and you got it.”

He pulled you into a quick side hug and left.

As much as you tried, you couldn’t study for the rest of your shift. Only three more customers came in within the two hours you had left, so you spent a decent amount of time staring at the wall and stressing about meeting up with Shawn. Two weeks gave you plenty of time to stress about it, which led to thinking of ways to get out of it.

Maybe if I don’t text him the address, he’ll forget, you thought as you stared at your phone the next day, messages open to Shawn’s name, your thumb hovering over the keyboard. It could work. That was enough to convince you to turn off your phone and worry about it later. You went back to working on the presentation you were working on, only pausing when you felt the buzz buzz of your phone telling you that you got a text.

From Shawn: Hey, what’s your address? What time do you want me to pick you up?

You panicked slightly, upset that your plan had already fallen apart. You decided to ignore it for the time being. You would worry about it later.

“Hey, Y/N, can I borrow your phone for a second? Mine’s dead,” Alana asked as she came into the dorm.

“Sure,” you said as you handed her the phone, not bothering to look away from your computer.

“Who’s Shawn and why is he asking where you live?”

Your eyes widened as you realized you forgot to clear the message. “He’s just an old friend. We’re uhh meeting up since we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“Well are you going to text him back or do I have to do it?”

“I will, later.”

“You’re actually going to do it?” she asked with a curious smile. “And you’re actually going to meet up with him?”

“Yeah . . .”

“I’m holding you to this.”

“What, why? I’m capable of handling my own social life.”

“Sure you are. You’re not getting out of this though. I know that look.”

You sighed and glared at her. She knew you too well. “Do you actually need my phone?”

“Yes, I need to call my mom.” She sent you a sweet smile and you shook your head. “Thank you.”

You texted Shawn at 9:12 that night, six hours after he sent the original message. 9:12 specifically so it looked like you just saw it and responded as soon as you did, not like you ignored it and were planning to send it at a specific time, like 9:15.

He responded thirty seconds later with a thumbs up.

The day of the meetup was stressful. You had already been in your head about it for the past two weeks, but you really started worrying when you realized you had no idea what was going to happen.

Shawn refused to tell you where you were going, only telling you to dress comfortably and that you would only be gone for a few hours. Being a person who liked schedules and knowing exactly what was going on, this didn’t make you too happy. It sounded a lot like a date, which only made you more stressed.

“Do you think this will be okay?” you asked Alana. You were wearing jean shorts and a semi-cute top. Not too fancy but not too casual.

“Is this a date or friend meetup?”

“Friend meetup.”

“You look great.” She could sense the hesitation as you looked in the mirror, deciding if you agreed with her or not. “You’re gonna be fine. From what I’ve heard, you were best friends for a long time. You’ll be back to that in no time.”

“I don’t know. It’s been so long and-” You were interrupted by a text from Shawn telling you he was there if you were ready.

“Go have fun. Take a deep breath and stop worrying about it, alright?”

“Okay.” You gave her a smile before putting your phone in your back pocket and leaving. You could see Shawn leaning against his car and looking at his phone once you left the building.

Shawn had been quite excited to hang out with you again. There wasn’t any part of him that was nervous until he went to get drinks for the two of you that morning. It had been slowly building up all day, but it felt more like his soulmate’s than his own.

“Hey, you,” he said with a smile. “Ready to go?”

“You bet,” you smiled back at him, walking to the other side of the car to get in.

“I got you a frappuccino.” He gestured to the cup holder. “I don’t know if what you like has changed but it’s what you used to get so I hope it’s okay.”

“My taste hasn’t changed a bit,” you chuckled. “Thank you. That’s really sweet of you.”

“Of course. What better way to rekindle our friendship than by reliving the old times?”

“True, true.” You discretely wiped your palms on your shorts, unsure if it was from nerves or the heat. “Want to tell me where you’re going?”

“Nope. It’s a surprise.” His eyes had a mischievous glint to them. He knew how much it was bothering you.

“This feels like a first date,” you mumbled, avoiding eye contact. You knew that Shawn was like this by default, but you couldn’t help but feel a little extra awkward anyways.

“Not my intention,” he chuckled. “I just wanted to be nice.”

“I know, I’m just awkward.”

Shawn laughed and shook his head.

You didn’t drive for much longer, arriving at a small park no more than fifteen minutes after you started.

“I figured we could walk and catch up, if you’re good with that.”

“That’s good. Why didn’t you just tell me we were going to the park though?”

“Wanted you to get worked up about it.”

You gasped. “That’s mean.”

“Gotta balance the niceness out somehow.”

You spent two hours walking around and catching up. You felt yourself ease up as you talked. He was still your Shawn and he barely changed from the last time you talked. The evening ended with a hug and promise to hang out again soon.

“See,” Alana told you when you told her how well it went. “Sometimes you need to just give yourself the push.”

The more and more time you spent together, the more and more Shawn became sure that you were the mystery soulmate whose emotions he had been feeling.

He would feel a twinge of extra excitement before you hung out or right before you texted him I got an A on that essay!!!!!

He was never completely sure though and never told you about it. He wanted to test the theory but wasn’t sure how he could do it without you knowing.

Meanwhile, your search for your soulmate slowed. You came to terms that they would come when the time was right and that you needed to enjoy life as it was. Your best friend was on a break from his hectic life for the first time in a long time and you wanted to spend all the time you could with him. You felt a little less anxious when you were around him, which could also be attributed to the lack of school work due to summer break, but you liked to believe he was helping.

The great thing about Shawn was that he knew not to push too hard. Alana didn’t always know when to stop pushing you towards doing things out of your comfort zone. You’ll admit, it was sometimes good for you. Other times, it caused way more anxiety than necessary and you would be out of it for the rest of the day. Shawn, on the other hand, could tell when something really could be too much and would stop.

There was only one time when he knew he was pushing too hard but continued anyways.

“You wanna be my date to the Grammys?” You had discussed his nomination earlier that day, but he never mentioned bringing someone with him before.

“Date?” You had a playful smirk on your face and Shawn just rolled his eyes and nudged your shoulder.

“Do you wanna be my extra person who’s my best friend, not date, cause I don’t have a date, date?

“As amazing as that sounds, I don’t think so. Way too many people.” You hoped he would just drop the subject.

“Come on, it would be fun. Besides, how often do you get an invitation to the Grammys?

“Never . . . because I don’t want to go.”

“Please, Y/N. I don’t have anyone else to take and we would have such a good time.”

“Take Aaliyah.”

“She probably has stuff going on.”

You have tons of other friends. Take one of them.”

“Yeah but you’re my best friend and I want to take you.”

“Shawn I really don’t think I should. There’s gonna be a ton of people there and I don’t have the money to buy a fancy dress-”

“I’ll buy you a dress and stay with you the entire night.”

“I can’t ask you to do that. Besides-”

“Please, Y/N. I will beg you every day until you say yes. Just this one time, then I promise I will never ever make you go to a party or awards show of any kind.”

“Fine,” you sighed. You knew that it was a bad idea but you also knew that Shawn would hold true to the begging.

“Thank youuu.” He reached over and pulled you into a hug

“You owe me.”

The week before the Grammys was more anxiety inducing than anything in your entire life.

You got your dress a month ago but was starting to have second thoughts on it. Was it fancy enough? You had scrolled through endless pictures of past Grammy looks and everything looked so much more elaborate than your midnight blue dress. Tiffany had picked out the dress for you, noting how you wanted something elegant but nothing that would make you stick out.

You had to admit, you loved the dress. It fit you perfectly. You were yet to show Shawn but you knew he would love it. There was just one part of you that thought that everyone would think it was too simple and know that you had no business being there.

Shawn was doing his best to help you through the anxiety.

“Think of the best possible situation,” he told you.

“Nobody notices me and I stay completely under the radar or they note that I’m your friend who’s been seen with you before and leave me alone.”

“Now tell me the worst possible situation.”

“I do something embarrassing and stick out so that everyone notices and realizes that I’m obviously not supposed to be there.”

“See how the worst case scenario is so much more unlikely to happen?”

“Shawn, I know it’s irrational but I can’t help it. No matter what, I’m going to have a worst case scenario.”

“I know you are. Y/N, I do too. But think for a second,” he said. “Everyone else is too caught up in their own affairs to give a flying shit about what you’re doing. Unless you walk the red carpet with me, they probably won’t even notice you.”

You knew Shawn was right. You knew the worst case scenario was irrational, you just couldn’t help but dwell on it; you were so scared of embarrassing yourself. You were once again planning excuses for not being able to go. I’m really sick and throwing up everywhere or There’s a family emergency. I can’t go.

But even as you worried more and more, you knew how much you needed to do it for Shawn. He had done so much for you. You could do this one thing.

“You ready?” Shawn asked with a huge grin. He had been getting more and more excited by the day. The happiness blocked the intensely anxious feelings of his soulmate to the slightest. At this point, he was almost positive you were his soulmate. Of course, anyone could be this anxious for a long period of time and it just coincidental to yours. He wanted more time to think about it though and if it was true, to tell you at a time when you were in a better mental state.

“Not really, but I don’t think I have a choice,” you said through the door. You had to admit, you felt absolutely beautiful. Your thoughts of sticking out because of your dress were fading with every look in the mirror.

“I’m sure you look absolutely fantastic.”

“That’s not the problem but thank you.” You both giggled at that and you wished you could get over yourself and go out there.

“You know I’ll be with you the whole night, right?” His tone changed to a more serious one, and it was comforting to know he cared so much.

“I know, but still.”

“Can I see you now? This is easier when I can see your face.”

“Yeah,” you chuckled, opening the door slightly before taking a deep breath and stepping out. You grasped your hands behind your back and smiled shyly as Shawn stared at you in awe.

“Wow,” he whispered. “You look absolutely stunning.”

Heat rushed to your cheeks and you looked down to your feet.

“Come here.” He pulled you into a hug, his head resting on your head as yours was on his chest. “You’re going to be amazing tonight, okay? So stop worrying so much and enjoy it as it comes.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are, I just wanted to remind you.” He squeezed you tighter for a second and drew back, smiling widely before completely letting go.

You both said nothing as you got into the car to go to the show, allowing yourselves to try to relax before the long night ahead of you.

“Good luck,” you grinned as he prepared to get out of the car for the red carpet.

“Thanks, see you soon.” He took your hand and squeezed it, causing the butterflies in your stomach to explode. He stepped out of the car and winked at you, laughing at the finger guns you sent him before he closed the door.

You both agreed that it was best for you not to walk the red carpet. You didn’t want to be bombarded with questions asking if you were in a relationship and Shawn didn’t want to have to deal with the drama it would cause afterwards. You decided to meet inside, which led to you awkwardly standing around and waiting for him to come in.

After what felt like a lifetime and a half of avoiding eye contact and trying to look like you belonged, Shawn appeared at your side.

“How’d it go?”

“Good. Took some really hot pictures I think people will enjoy.”

“How is that possible? You can’t take hot pictures.”

“As if I haven’t caught you ogling over pictures of me before.”

“As if,” you scoffed and Shawn let out a loud laugh, which made you laugh as well.

“Alright, sassy pants, let’s find our seats.”

The show went well and you eventually realized that you got worked up more than you needed to. You didn’t have to interact with many people and you were able to sit in a seat and enjoy the show more than you thought you could.

What you should have been worried about though, was the afterparty.

Shawn said you didn’t have to go but you could see how much he wanted to. You also knew that if you told him you were going to go home but he should go to the party, he would opt to go with you. So, against your better judgement of what you were up for that night, you decided to go under the condition that Shawn would stay with you the whole time.

It was a little too loud and crowded for your liking but you did your best to hide the discomfort. The faster you got out, the better, but you were going to try to enjoy the party the best you could.

Unbeknownst to you, Shawn could definitely sense your discomfort. Something inside himself was telling him he should take you home, but everytime he suggested you leave, you insisted that you wanted him to have fun and that you would stay until he wanted to go. You knew he came with intentions of talking to other people and refused to leave until he did so.

“But I’ll have fun with you.”

“Shawn Mendes, if you do not socialize tonight, you will spend the rest of your life regretting it so I suggest you start mingling.”

“I feel like that’s an overstatement, but fine.” He started walking away but turned around when he noticed you weren’t following. “Come on, wallflower, I’m not allowed to leave you by yourself.”

You rolled your eyes but pushed yourself off the wall and made your way towards him anyways.

He made his way around, talking to friends and a few people he didn’t know, making sure you were close at all times. You were quiet the whole time, only speaking when asked a question. Like with Alana, people tended to be more interested in the person you were with than you yourself.

Shawn caught you picking at the inside of your elbow a few times. Part of him wanted to scold you for doing it, but he knew it was a subconscious habit and that you couldn’t do much about it unless he pointed it out. He would wrap his arm around you, gently placing his hand over the spot so you couldn’t pick at it. You would sigh once you realized you were doing it again and Shawn would squeeze your upper arm lightly, as if to say, it’s alright.

He eventually gave you a water bottle to keep your hands busy and you accepted it graciously, secretly in awe of how he knew you so well. He was about ready to go after that, drained from the long night, when someone called his name. He made his way towards them and you tried to follow but got blocked off by someone walking in between you. In a split second he was gone, and your anxiety only grew as you struggled to find him.

You found yourself standing next to a table, texting Shawn to tell him where to find you once he was ready to go. You hoped it wouldn’t take too long, but the voice who called him sounded like Niall’s, and you knew they would want to talk for a while.

Shawn was too busy talking to Niall to notice the growing anxiety coming from his soulmate. He didn’t even notice that you weren’t next to him.

You tried your best to blend in, something you thought you were doing a good job of, when someone who looked very vaguely familiar tried to talk to you.

“That dress looks quite lovely on you,” he said.

“Thanks,” you said rather quietly. There was an awkward pause for a second and you wondered if he was waiting for you to say something else.

“Enjoying the party?” He stepped slightly forward to let someone pass behind him.

You stepped back to keep the space, forgetting about the table and knocking into it full force. A loud clanging noise could be heard as a few platters flew off and your eyes grew wide at the realization of what you just did.

The man in front of you laughed but his attention was quickly called elsewhere.The people around you looked behind themselves to see what was going on. The looks of confusion and giggles probably lasted no more than a few seconds, but it was enough to send you into a full panic.

The lights were suddenly too bright and all the noises around you jumbled into a muffle. You pressed your back against a wall as you tried to gain your composure, panicking more when you couldn’t. The music was too loud for anyone to hear your rapid breathing but you wanted nothing more than for someone to come help you; for Shawn to come help you.

“Yeah we definitely need to meet up sometime soon,” Niall said to Shawn.

“Totally. I’m-” He was cut off by a paralyzing burst of panic. He didn’t even have to think to know it was you. The urge to protect you came over him and he quickly excused himself from Niall to find you.

It didn’t take long to see you standing against the wall and curling in on yourself. He felt like he couldn’t get there fast enough. There was nothing he wanted more than to take the worry away from you but it felt like there were a million people in between you.

“Breath, Y/N, breath,” he said once he finally made it to you. Your eyes locked with his and he could see the absolute panic in them. “I’m going to take your arm so we can go outside, okay?”

You nodded frantically, allowing Shawn to guide you to outside. The cool air was a relief but did little to calm you down. Shawn gently leaned you against a wall and put one of your hands on his chest.

“Breath with me, sweetheart,” he said, exaggerating his breathing to help you. “You’re okay. Just focus on breathing.”

“I’m sorry,” you muttered once you calmed down and your breathing returned to a normal rate.

“Y/N, no. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I messed up your night and-”

“It’s not your fault. I know exactly how you feel and I promise you, it’s not your fault.” He could see from the look in your eyes that you didn’t believe him and it broke his heart. “Come here,” he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around you, one around your waist, one pressing your head to his chest.

“I know you think it’s your fault, but you did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said lowly, leaning his head down close to your ear so you could hear him. “If anything, it’s my fault for not realizing you weren’t with me.” He felt you tense up and rubbed his hand up and down your back. “You are amazing and wonderful and so strong, Y/N. We all have our low points. Nobody is blaming you for anything.”

You didn’t say anything and Shawn took that as a sign to stop talking. He held you in his embrace for a few minutes longer, relaxing a little when he felt your arms wrap around him.

“Let’s get you home.”

“You should stay.”

“Y/N.”

You dropped it and let him call an Uber, hugging him again once he finished. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” He pressed a kiss to the top of your head, and you felt yourself once again wishing he was your soulmate.

After a long talk with Shawn the next morning, you decided to go to the doctor to get an official diagnosis. The social anxiety diagnosis also came with the recommendation of therapy. It was time to take control of your anxiety and your life.

Shawn was there for it all. Helping you through the bad days and celebrating the good ones. You were celebrating a good one today and Shawn could feel your happiness before you even walked through the door.

“You won’t believe what I did!” You exclaimed once you were seated on the couch. “I needed this tomato sauce but I couldn’t find it anywhere in the store but I knew they had it somewhere. So instead of not getting it, I actually asked one of the people working there where it was.”

“Good job!” The smile on his face was huge as he gave you a high-five. “Was it really that scary?”

“Yes, but I did it, which is more important than if it’s scary.”

He was so proud of you. It had taken a few months, but therapy was doing wonders for you. It might have been small progress, but even small progress was big progress.

He had held off on telling you about the soulmate situation, wanting you to be in a better space before he dropped the bombshell. Now felt like a good time to do it.

“Not to take away from you, but I have some good news myself.”

“Tell me!” The eager look on your face made him even more nervous for some reason, but he knew he needed to do it.

“A few months ago, I started feeling these feelings.”

“Oh wow.”

“Shut up,” he giggled. “They were emotions that weren’t mine. Like, they felt like someone else’s.”

You nodded your head, having an idea of what was coming: he finally found his soulmate and it wasn’t you.

“And at first I couldn’t figure out who they belonged to but then I met you again.” He looked up at you but your face was blank. “And then I was starting to feel feelings you were experiencing. Like you would text me about being happy and that background feeling of extra happiness would be there but I wasn’t sure if it was really you.”

“Are you trying to test it out now?” He could see you trying to put the pieces together.

“No, I kinda already did in a way?” You looked even more confused so he kept going. “When we went to the Grammys I could feel how anxious you were. And then we went to the party and I could feel it but it wasn’t anything that was too overwhelming. Then, I went to talk to Niall, which is when you had that panic attack, right?”

You nodded.

“And I was fine but then there was this really really intense second of pure panic and I just knew. Some kind of protective instinct went off in me and I just had to get to you.”

There was a pause as he let you process what was happening.

“Y/N, I think you’re my soulmate.”

There was a deafening silence but Shawn was too scared to look at your face to see your reaction.

“You really think?”

“I know it sounds crazy but-”

“Could we really be soulmates?”

“. . . yes?” He finally looked at you to see a smile creeping its way along your face.

“Holy fucking cow.” You both burst into laughter, leaning into each other as you did.

“I’m glad it’s you,” Shawn said once your laughs turned into tiny giggles. He looked at you with a glimmer in his eyes.

“I’m glad it’s you too.”

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aspenflower17 · 4 years ago

Text

Finding You (Part Fourteen of ??)

Hey everyone! I hope you’re all having a good New Year so far! I have a bit of an update after the chapter for y’all.

Edit: Oop! I forgot the link to Part One for any new people! My bad!

Tags (ily all!): @simpingforsatan @naimena @hachimochi @wrathandgreed @magi-minminxiii @rensphilia @a-dream-at-night @chloelikesobeyme @getbehindme-satan @theuglypugling @oofthelazyweeb @mammonismyfirstman (as always, if you’d like to be put on the tags list, juust let me know in a comment down below, or a DM)

Word Count: 1,961

TW: None? I’m pretty sure?

Mc didn’t know what she was expecting from the song Satan’s brothers pressured him to play, but a gorgeous melancholic love song was not it, though she should have guessed it was a love song from the title. She was entranced from the first couple notes, and the lyrics pulled her in further. They spoke of someone experiencing love for the first time, though they were afraid of their Love fading away and leaving them. She smiled at the cat lyrics, finding herself not surprised Satan would write about them. He seemed like a cat lover, though she had no real basis for the belief.

Satan’s singing voice was just as nice as his speaking voice and she found herself impressed. It also held a lot of emotion, enough that she was surprised it didn’t affect his singing. Though she had never heard the song before, it seemed extremely familiar. Though, it was a fairly universal concept, so it probably just seemed she’d heard it before. She hadn’t realized she was crying until Mammon offered her a handkerchief. When he finished, everyone clapped, and he started on another song.

“I never thought I’d hear tha’ song again,” Mammon spoke to Mc in a low voice.

“Why?” she asked.

“Oh… Uhhh… Well, it’s about a lost love of his. Once she… disappeared… He played it one more time and then said he’d never play it again.”

Mc felt her throat constrict a bit at the revelation, “He must be doing better then. When he got his next… lover, he probably started feeling better.”

“He… Uhhh... '' Mammon floundered for words, and Mc found herself eagerly awaiting his next words, “I don’ think he’s dated anyone before or since her. If nothin’ else, she is his firs’ and only love.”

“Did she hurt him?”

“Huh?”

“I just ask because I’ve seen a lot of people, well, humans, who had relationships go sour and closed themselves off emotionally. I was just wondering if that’s what happened to him.”

“Not… Not exactly… She was human and she… died…” Mammon seemed really anxious at this point, and Mc decided not to push the subject further.

A human? Really? Well, that adds another layer to the song. It’s the most permanent level of “leave” there is. He knew going into the relationship it would end. But… If she had been corrupted enough by him, wouldn’t she have gone to the Devildom? Then they could’ve been together… Does that mean she went to the Celestial Realm? Do I know her? Or… Did she get stuck as a wanderer? Either way, why would he play it now? Mammon said he’d sworn off playing it ever again… The questions swirled around in her head as she watched Satan play.

“Ooooo! Ooooo! My turn!”

“Asmo, you can’t play piano,” Satan sighed, already getting up.

“But I can play music off of my DDD now can’t I?” Asmodeus said, waltzing up to what had become a stage.

As Asmo scrolled through what Mc could only assume was his list of songs, Satan came and stood next to her. Mammon even moved over so he could. Mc gave him a small smile and then turned her attention back to Asmodeus, who was gushing about the song he’d found to sing. She was still thinking about all the unanswered questions she had when she felt a breath next to her ear “What did you think?”

Mc almost jumped, but instead found herself glued to her chair, “Of the song? Or your singing?”

“Hmmm… Both.”

“You play and sing wonderfully. The song was beautiful. I could really feel your emotions.”

“Thank you,” Mc felt Satan retreat back to a standing position, and she found she missed his presence.

A huff from the other side of the room caught her attention. Looking over, she caught the tailend of Michael watching Satan with narrowed eyes before turning back to Asmodeus. How strange.

When Asmodeus finished, Lucifer was both begged and forced to play by those in the room. While Mc had to admit he was definitely in a league all his own, she found herself preferring Satan’s playing to Lucifer’s. She cocked her head slightly at the realization.

“Excellent Lucifer! Just exquisite!” Diavolo boomed, giving the Avatar of Pride a standing ovation, “I can’t remember the last time I heard you play!”

“Well, it has been awhile,” Lucifer smiled. His pride seemed to have recovered enough he could properly interact with people again. Mc was happy she was able to avert a crisis, not interested in finding out how a brawl between Michael and Lucifer would go. Though… Would either of them actually get into a physical altercation?...

Mc was so caught up in her thoughts, she didn’t realize the brothers were leaving until they were all asking if she would come to the House of Lamentation at some point.

“... And I would love to paint your nails,” Asmo prattled on, grabbing her hands, “And I know the Devildom’s lack of light can make your skin lose some of its radiance, but I have a moisturizer that can help with that. Oh and-”

“Asmo, come on! Ya want Mc to come visit or not?” Mammon interrupted,

“Mammon, you don’t understand the nuances of keeping yourself looking perfect.”

“Uh, yes. I do. I’m a model. Ya been smellin’ too many of ya fancy products and it’s melted ya brain?”

“I think you’re thinking of yourself, though it was probably when you were trying to con those witches into buying acid, and you drank some.”

“Oi! How do ya know about that?”

“Ugh, there they go again,” a head rested itself on Mc’s shoulder, and she almost jumped until she saw who it was, “Seriously though Mc. You should come over.”

“Yeah. You’re even welcome to bring Luke,” the one brother who she hadn’t talked to added, “Barbatos told me he’s gotten even better at baking.”

“Of course I’ve gotten better at baking! I’m also very good at cooking too,” Luke said, having joined the conversation.

Mc watched at Beelzebub, which is who she figured he must be through the process of elimination, actually started drooling, “Does that mean you’re actually going to come over then?”

Luke smiled fondly, a look Mc wasn’t sure she’d have ever thought he could have for a demon, “If you’d like Beel, I could probably make that happen.”

Beel rushed over to Luke and pulled him into a huge hug. Belphegor removed himself from Mc, walking over to Beelzebub, “Beel, you need to let go of the chihuahua or he’s going to suffocate. Luke can’t make you food if he’s been squished.”

“I’m sorry. I hope these idiots haven’t been bothering you too much.”

“Not at all Lucifer. They were just inviting me over sometime.”

“Well, I suppose it’s time for us to head out,” Lucifer said, starting to gather his brothers.

“You are welcome anytime you want to come over,” Satan’s voice came from behind her.

“I… Thanks. I would really like that.”

“Satan! We’re leaving.”

“I’m coming Lucifer,” Satan called, rolling his eyes, then back to Mc with a smile, “Bye.”

“Bye,” Mc called after him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mc sat in her room hours later, the events of the evening still running through her head. Though she knew Michael wouldn’t approve, she found herself much more at ease and even happier around them than she did around most angels. There was a non-judgmental kindness they all exuded (well, all except Lucifer) that made her feel like she belonged. She found herself excited about the prospect of spending more time with them at the House of Lamentation. She had to laugh a bit, the fact she didn’t fit in with the rest of the angels never more clear than it was now.

Simeon had told her his time in the Devildom had been extremely enjoyable, the less structured lifestyles if the Devildom a welcome change from the Celestial Realm. She had read his work from that time and it was obvious he had felt a lot more creative in the Devildom, even though he had school responsibilities at the time. While she hadn’t doubted his words, she had always figured the change was mostly due to the fact he had been able to communicate with his lost brothers again. Now she understood what he had been talking about.

Simeon generally gets along with the other angels too. What would they all say if they found out I prefer the company of the Fallen to them? Everything is just more natural with them. It’s almost like I already know who they are, as strange as that sounds. Especially Satan, though I’ve felt connected to him since I got his letter. Speaking of which, who was it that he mentioned? Lil… Lilly? Lillah? Lillian? Hmmm… I can’t remember. I do know I’ve never heard that name before. Whoever it was seemed to have a great impact on all of the brothers. It can’t be someone they Fell with. I’ve read all the literature about the Fall and I don’t recognize the name. Though there’s a lot about the Fall the Celestial Realm doesn’t talk about. But... Simeon’s also never mentioned anyone with that name before… Maybe it’s time for me to do some more research.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mc stretched, and checked the time on her DDD. She had been in Diavolo’s personal library for over three hours, and she still hadn’t found any mention of the mysterious “L” person. She found plenty of references to Lucifer though. It seemed he and his brothers had been instrumental in helping Diavolo establish order when the old King had started his slumber. What caused this slumber, why it happened, or if it would end was not covered. Mc wanted to research the topic further, but she couldn’t get distracted until she had answered her initial question.

There was a knock at the door, and Barbatos came in carrying a teacup on a saucer, “I thought you might be in here.”

“Oh, hello Barbatos.”

The butler entered the room, and set the tea down on the table Mc was studying at, “I thought you might like some tea.”

“I would actually, thank you. If you would like to, you can take a seat.”

“I suppose that’d be alright,” Barbatos smiled, and sat down in a chair. His eyes glided across the books strewn around Mc, “You’ve got some heavy reading here.”

“Well, I’m trying to figure something out,” Mc sighed, sipping her tea.

“Perhaps I can be of assistance?”

“Maybe, though I don’t remember what it is I’m looking for exactly,” Barbatos simply cocked his head slightly until she continued, “Satan was telling about… Well, a personal experience, and he mentioned someone. I don’t remember their name, but it was someone very close to all the brothers and they had passed away. I was just trying to figure out who it was.”

“You seem very interested in this person,” Barbatos’ tone wasn’t accusatory, but he seemed to expect and answer.

“... I guess I’m just trying to understand them better. Him better,” The last part slipped from Mc’s mouth easily, surprising even her.

“I think I may know who you’re talking about. If I’m correct, you won’t find any references to her in these books. It’s not my place to explain the situation to you however. You should probably go speak with the brothers about her…” the butler paused for a second before continuing, “I believe Michael also knows a lot about the situation, though he doesn’t know the full story,” with that, he got up and pushed his chair in, “I must continue with my duties, but I appreciate the short reprieve. Good night.”

“Night,” Mc called after him. Huh. Michael knows?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part Fifteen

I wanted to let you all know that as it is January, ever since 2014 the first moth of the year has been terrible for me. So far, we are 3 days into 2021, and I have already gotten a near constant tooth ache meaning I’m going to have to go to the dentist, and have gotten sick. I don’t know what else this month has in store for me, but I just wanted to warn you all, if my updates get sporadic or short, that’s why 😬

#OBEY ME #obey me!#obey me! swd #obey me satan #obey me satan/mc #obey me barbatos #obey me brothers #obey me! shall we date?#obey me mc #obey me long fic #obey me michael #obey me lilith #Finding You #my writing #aspenflower17

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synnefo-nefeli · 4 years ago

Note

I really love the scene in Heard Your Heart Beating when Apollo and Klavier sleep after drinking and Apollo wakes up at some point and looks at Klavier and thinks about him and Daryan and Kristoph. Idk I really like the vibe of it and also Apollo is really fond of him and you can see it lol

This is for the DVD Commentary Author Ask if there is a scene from any of my works you’d like to see a DVD commentary on, send me an ask!

Yesss this one of my favorite scenes so far in HYHB.

So there are two things going on in this scene- one is a payoff moment when Apollo figures out the significance of Valentine's Day is to Klavier, and the other is the emergence of the theme of " Safety". This chapter also functions as a transition point from Klavier and Apollo moving from work colleagues into a closer friendship. There is still a giddy nervousness at the beginning of this chapter that is usually associated with moving to the next step.

I wanted to express that almost frenetic nervous energy when inviting a new friend/date/etc into your personal space for the first time. And Apollo, despite him stating repeatedly that the hangout is platonic/feeling guilty about appearing to move on from Clay /trying to keep that boundary that’s existed so far between them, allows that boundary to fall.

By the end of the chapter there is now a comfort and deeper trust between them so that their relationship can continue to develope organically over the next few chapters without Apollo being constantly flustered every time Klavier teases him or there still being awkward feelings between them. They’re still in the “getting to know you” phase of their friendship but they’re at the point where coffee breaks and after work drinks no longer suffice. They now want to hang out as much as possible.

More under the cut so I don't spoil people for this chapter

Before I get back into the Safety theme I want to reiterate the meaning of the story’s title. It comes from Florence + The Machine’s song, “Cosmic Love”. The lyric goes:

“ I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too-So I stayed in the darkness with you”

This lyric aside from Comic Love being a big mood inspiration for the story, this lyric refers to Klavier and Apollo finding eachother after going through a really shitty and traumatic year and a half.

They recognize that the other is a source of some comfort as each of them understand what the other is going through a little bit better than the others around them.

This scene is the first confirmation to the reader that yes, Klavier is actively seeking out Apollo for comfort.

So far in this story we know *something* is bothering Klavier- he’s actively avoiding someone and he’s been kinda timid in reaching out to people without having his glimmerous persona constantly on. In the following chapter, Klavier mentions that he’s been asked to be in Edgeworth’s wedding.

Apollo attempts to commiserate with Klavier about this as Phoenix has just asked Apollo to be his best man.

Klavier tells Apollo that Apollo shouldn’t be shocked about being asked to be Phoenix’s best man- considering how much Apollo means to Phoenix. He has to point out to Apollo how much Apollo means to Phoenix and Trucy as well as how Apollo impacted Klavier’s choice to return to the legal world full-time.

And while Klavier is honored that he’s been asked by Edgeworth, his being asked is more of a surprise than Apollo being included in the Wright-Edgeworth nuptials. There is no way that Apollo wouldn’t be included after all he’s done for Phoenix and Trucy and how close he is to the WAA. Klavier had a different dynamic with Edgeworth. Part of this because, well, it’s Edgeworth. But Edgeworth has formed close bonds with Gumshoe and Kay...but Edgeworth just spent the last few years chasing down a Phantom Criminal in order to save Simon from Death Row. So Miles and Simon had a closer dynamic.

Klavier unfortunately comes with a lot of baggage-most of it being from things beyond his control. It was his debut that resulted in Miles’ partner from being disbarred and disgraced. There is everything with Kristoph. Combine the canon stuff along with this story establishing that the Gavins and the von Karmas have a bit of a family feud going on, it’s no wonder why Klavier admits to feeling that he’s still needs to figure out if and where he belongs.

He’s always looked up to Phoenix and Miles and wants to spend his career under them, but he thinks he needs more chances to prove himself to rebuild trust.

Of course- the obvious signal Klavier is missing, is “Hi, the Chief Prosecutor has asked you to be in his wedding party. If the grooms didn’t like you, you wouldn’t have been invited let alone asked to be IN THEIR WEDDING PARTY” ...and he misses it right after he’s finished telling Apollo, “how could youthink you’d wouldn’t be included, Herr Forehead. Jeeze.”

Like I said- Klavier is shit at taking his own advice. I’m not being mean to Klavier, but because Klavier is anxious about trusting people and letting people in, he prefers to do things on his own terms and under his control just in case he needs to get out if he gets rejected.

And even though he reached out to Apollo first with his condolences for Clay’s death he didn’t expect anything more than a thank you note, but Apollo not only acknowledging him, hunting him down to his apartment and even offering his company to Klavier, was a happy surprise to someone who has been very lonely.

He’s been wanting to get to know Apollo but he’s felt awkward due to the fallout with Kristoph and the continuing dark age of the law of which he was apart of the two major catalysts.

Apollo over the last few weeks is appearing to be a safe space for Klavier.

However Klavier wants more confirmation and a chance to suss things out (re: Kristoph). So when Apollo says he doesn’t have plans and was oblivious about Valentine’s, Klavier pounces on it. He spent Valentine’s alone the previous year and it spiraled his depression so he was not in the mood to again this year.

This scene was meant to be that very comfortable state between two people with a budding friendship. Once you get drunk with someone while having deep conversations, it tends to push you more into the friendship category.

It was also important to get some of the serious topics out rather than dragging it out. Having this quiet evening is something they both needed, and it allowed them be vulnerable. Especially since Apollo was already upset from the phone conversation he had with the Terrans earlier in the chapter.

Apollo needed a night in with the only person who has never treated him with kid gloves, even before Clay’s death. And Klavier needed a night in with the only person who has never put him on a pedestal.

When discussing Kristoph, it was important to remind the reader that Kristoph is a human being- it’s what makes him a compelling villain and why his betrayal of both Apollo and Klavier’s trust strikes an emotional chord with the player. Before the events of AA4, there was a time where Kristoph gained Apollo and Klavier’s love and loyalty, where he was a normal boss, a dog-dad, a good older brother. There were good times and happy memories- which is why when Kristoph is exposed, Apollo and Klavier are disillusioned- Klavier moreso. But another reason as to why Klavier finds Apollo to be a safe haven, is because, Apollo knew the Kristoph Klavier loved. They both wanted Kristoph to be proud of them. They respected him and wanted Kristoph to be proud of and acknowledge them.

Klavier has been wanting to talk to Apollo about this for awhile and I believe so has Apollo. Apollo is never going to say to Phoenix, “hey Mr. Wright, Mr. Gavin was a good mentor to me too-“ it wouldn’t go over well, even though Kristoph was a good mentor to Apollo-his only flaw was thinking that Apollo would happily be a lickspittle and easy to manipulate. So when Apollo gives Klavier that reassurance that Klavier can talk about those happier moments of his life involving Kristoph, Klavier sees that Apollo wants to take that awkward stress away from Klavier but also Apollo wants to get to know Klavier better.

Klavier is so used to people researching his celebrity persona and forming opinions based off of his former lifestyle, that it’s refreshing to find someone who wants to organically grow their relationship without preconceptions.

Yes, Apollo initially wrote Klavier off as being a fop and glimmorous- but those thoughts were due to Apollo being self-conscious. By the end of Turnabout Serenade, Apollo admits that Klavier is pretty cool and in DD, Apollo remarks that Klavier is different than most prosecutors and how dedicated Klavier is towards his job.

It was also important in this chapter to allow for Apollo to discuss Clay and his relationship with Clay’s family. You’ll notice in this story that Klavier is the only person Apollo will share anecdotes about Clay with and freely grieve about Clay. It’s not that Apollo hides it from The WAA, he does share some things with them, but right now, Klavier is the only close peer Apollo has, and this comfortable vulnerability they’ve trusted eachother with allows Apollo to express himself with out him fearing that he’ll appear fragile. He’s tired of people walking on eggshells around him, but Klavier hasn’t and never will.

Likewise, I made sure to have Klavier fish for information about Apollo. Yes they’ve been hanging out for weeks at this point and worked a case together (sorta), but those coffee dates have been more talking about work, general topics like Trucy’s shows, etc.. they’ve been light in topic. So dinner and drinks at someone’s home gives way to deeper conversations about value-systems, love lives (even though Apollo isn’t entirely truthful lol), etc. And it works really well to the point they get more comfortable than either had anticipated.

I loved writing the discussion about how Klavier will never ever do a performance of “The Guitar’s Serenade” where he’s singing Lamiror’s words. It was such an organic moment while writing too- Klavier just started talking about how he’s feel like an imposter to sing those words because he’s never experienced a lost true love...and he hopes that he’ll never know what that feels like. It’s an honest moment that puts to rest any assumptions Apollo may have had about if Klavier is just a flirt not to be taken seriously in the romance department.

Hearing that Klavier is pretty private in his love life, isn’t a player, and has pretty much admitted that he tries to date with the intention of marriage, shows Apollo more into Klavier’s serious and introspective side. A side that Apollo’s only known in the context of their work. It makes Apollo realize that Klavier is human and is wanting of things like love and companionship. More importantly, Klavier will take those things seriously should he be so lucky to receive them.

There is also a bit of humor here- because c’mon Klavier lives to be playful when he can, and he wants to know more about Apollo’s views on love and relationships. Apollo is adorably flustered because he doesn’t want to admit he’s still a virgin. But in this portion I wanted to start laying down the idea that Apollo is demisexual. Part of the reason he hasn’t fallen in love or felt desire is because he’s fullfilled by his relationships with those he holds dear, but also no one has been interested in Apollo and stayed long enough to bond with Apollo in a way for desire to to bloom.

Because they’re starting as friends-particularly a friendship made as adults- this is going to give Apollo that chance to realize he wants more from Klavier. And for Klavier who wants a true friend and companion after the betrayals he’s suffered, Apollo is a perfect match for him.

The most important thing for me while writing this scene was to show Apollo and the reader that Klavier is suffering and grieving just like Apollo is, (and to establish early that Klavier is super bad at taking any of his own advice) and for Apollo to start drawing parallels to himself while wanting to dig into what’s going on with Klavier.

Apollo is interesting because he’s more likely to say what’s exactly bothering him but fails to realize his feelings about others.

Whereas Klavier is very aware of his own feelings but will hide what’s bothering him from others.

They’re also two people who now need reassurance about where they fit in and how others consider them in their lives.

And if you were wondering: yes, at this point Klavier does have a crush on Apollo haha. So getting invited to sleep over was a bonus for him...despite it being labeled as a “platonic sleep-over”, because at this point in the story, it is a platonic sleep over. Klavier is good at reading the room (even when drunk) to know that Apollo isn’t making a move on him and neither should he.

The comment Klavier makes about Apollo’s bed’s size is a homage to my favorite BL manga, FAKE. In the manga, Ryo who has just started as a detective at a new precinct and met his new partner, Dee- has Dee over that same day for dinner and Dee winds up staying the night. Ryo has a large bed for a single guy (according to Dee) and Dee makes a comment “that’s a big bed you got there, do you have a girl to go with it?” because Dee the little shit that he is, is trying to see if Ryo is single (and yes, they sleep in the same bed that night. How is that fir team building haha...it’s totally platonic. It takes Dee 7 volumes to get that. Please read it it’s a classic). Klavier is totally asking to get a rise out of Apollo because Klavier suspects that Apollo exaggerated his experience because Apollo’s pivot was not smooth at all XD.

Finally the last aspect of showing safety is them sleeping in the same bed together. We know from descriptions of Klavier that Klavier has not been sleeping well. Something is keeping him up at night and his mood has been less glimmerous. When he arrives at Apollo’s that evening; he wasn’t able to really conceal the dark circles under his eyes. Apollo has been missing Clay, who would usually sleep over and share the bed with Apollo,’s company.

Sleeping next to someone, especially falling into a deep sleep in a bed that is not your own, is a sign of trust. Yes they were sleepy from the alcohol, but they went to bed together easily, slept for hours, had brunch, and went BACK to sleep. Neither minded, nor did Klavier feel that he should leave after they ate. They are comfortable and too hungover to even think about anything except getting more sleep XD Also it’s not as if Klavier is in a hurry to get home when he eventually saw the text from his land lady.

Sorry if that was a rambling response but I have a lot of love for this scene in particularly and I’m so excited to give a behind the scenes look at it!

#ace attorney #klapollo #apollo justice #klavier gavin #head your heart beating #dvd commentary #behind the scenes #thank you Anon for letting me sqwee over this chapter

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utapriyanderes · 4 years ago

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Hi, could you please do QN with their crush loving singing/music by another idol who is noticeably less skilled than they are? Like "I'm a pro so why are you such a big fan of this musically challenged person?" (Also I sent an ask while you were on hiatus and I'm not sure if you got it, it was about dealing with loneliness/sadness from being kept in isolation for too long)

Hello! I actually know what ask you are talking about! I actually had it finished before I came back as it was the one I worked on before my official announcement. So it’s been done for awhile. I have just been hesitating on posting it. Though I’ll make sure to post it either today or tomorrow!

Though it will be like my usual posts instead of like this one since I got it done before doing this. Either way this took awhile just due to motivation hitting me then leaving me. Though this is how I prefer to do things since it's more like mini oneshots and I love writing oneshots/more story based things like this so it actually makes the process more fun! I also think it helps to build the world and characters for all of you guys as well! So please enjoy!

~~~~

Reiji Kotobuki:

Reiji comes home from work for the day, excited to see you as he always is. He was even expecting you to greet him as soon as the door opened, but you're not there. He walks in closing the door behind him, worrying as to where you could be. He takes a peek in the living room and kitchen. When he finds you're not there he starts thinking about, every horrible thing that comes to his mind. Realizing he has another room he could check, he goes into the bedroom you two share.

There, he finds you. Sitting on the bed surrounded by CDs, listening to music through your headphones. Your back is facing him as you sway to the music. The frantic Reiji's beating heart calms down as he smiles in relief. He goes towards you with a hand reached out, but stops quickly after as soon as he hears your voice sing out a line from a song.

Reiji notices right away that it wasn't one of his songs you were listening to. That definitely wasn't a lyric he wrote. His smile drops and his expression turns serious. Hand still reached out he moves to grab your shoulder. You jump in surprise at the contact. As you're quick to stop the music and take off your headphones he notices all the CDs surrounding you.

The new rookie idol in the agency? Reiji doesn't understand it. He was by far the better idol, but you're listening to someone else that wasn't near where he was! Reiji lifts his head to find your bright orbs filled with surprise and worry and, shame. Reiji can tell you're trying to find an excuse.

Reiji looks back down at your hands. He grabs one ever so tenderly. Your all he thinks about all day. You're the reason he is able to be so happy in his life! You're his reason to keep on living and breathing! But you're here, listening to someone lower than him. Someone who will never notice you or love you like him.

It makes him so upset to see you like this. He's never felt this betrayed before. He knows he has to do something. He runs over his thoughts as he stares at your connected hands. Then he looks back up. Your excuse is clear in your head and you're about to speak, but he stops you.

"(N/N), I love you very much right? You know that don't you?" Reiji's question seems innocent enough. It stops you from saying whatever excuse you had. Instead you close your mouth and nod at him, looking down. Reiji calls you by the nickname he gave you again.

"Do you love that idol more than me?" You're quick to shake your head. Your eyes, already starting to fill with tears. Reiji's heart breaks at the sight. He doesn't want to see you in tears. He moves his arms to hold you. Letting you rely on him.

"(N/N), if you love me… then you know what we have to do with those CDs right?" Reiji whispers it into your ear. Your body freezes at the dark tone in his voice. Slowly you nod your head at his question.

Feeling your response, Reiji's heart becomes much lighter. His grip on you tightens despite his mood. Reiji promises to never let you go, and he won't let your heart be taken away so easily by another idol. Especially one below him.

Ranmaru Kurosaki:

Ranmaru opens his eyes to stare at the bland ceiling overhead. Waking up from his mid-afternoon nap he feels a warmth on his stomach. Remembering you slept with him he places a content hand on the warmth. Except, that warmth wasn't you. He looks down to see one of his cats curled up into a ball sleeping peacefully on his stomach.

He sits up in a state of rush, but not so much that it hurts or startles the cat. He quickly places the cat down on the sofa and stands up to go looking for you. He can feel the racing in his heart as he goes into the bedroom to look for you. Luckily, that was exactly the right choice.

You were by the window. Looking out as you held an MP3 in your hand and had earbuds in your ears. Ranmaru's heart calms down at the sight and he makes his way over to you. As he walks you notice him. You're quick to stop the music and take out your earbuds.

You smile up at him as you move to place the MP3 beside you. Ranmaru is quicker and grabs your wrist to see the screen.

"Hmph," Ranmaru makes a noise at who you were listening to. His grip tightens around your wrist as boiling rage fills him up. You let out a small whimper at his hold, but he's too focused on the fact that you chose to listen to an amateur artist. Someone below him who had all your attention. You were sitting so peacefully just listening to him!

"Were you thinking of him coming to your rescue?" Ranmaru could see the fear in your eyes as he spoke.

"Ranmaru- please-!" You tried to squirm out of his grasp. He only held on tighter as you did so.

"Oi (Y/N), answer me," Ranmaru spoke in a low voice. You stopped your squirming and tears started to fall down your face.

After sucking in a shaky breath you replied, "N-No, that's not what I was thinking! I-I just wanted to listen to their music!"

Ranmaru wasn't convinced at your plea. He let out a low sigh and then roughly pulled you up, you making a small noise in the process.

"If you're sure about it, then smash the MP3," Ranmaru eyes glance to the MP3 still in your hand. You hastily nod your head at him. Somewhat satisfied Ranmaru unhands you and gives you the space you need. Shakily, you raise the hand up giving out a small sob. Then you smash it.

Then you step on it until you're sure it no longer works. Once you're done you stare at the pieces laying on the ground. You cry to yourself as Ranmaru wraps an arm around your back.

Letting out another sigh, "It's alright. Go to bed and cry it out. I'll clean up this mess."

Ranmaru's satisfied with the outcome. He allows you to rest as he stares at the same broken pieces. Content with making you his once again.

Ai Mikaze:

Ai looks at the screen in front of him. Finishing up some last minute ideas for QUARTET NIGHT's next song. After his last thought was down his eyes drifted away and moved over towards the person sitting in the corner of the room, listening happily to music on their phone. A ghost of a smile found its way upon his lips at the sight. His eyes then go back towards the screen and he opens up a software.

He clicks your phone on the program to see what you are listening to. When the name and album shows up Ai isn't sure what to make of the situation. All he can feel is something heavy pulling him down. In order to figure out what this feeling is he goes over beside you, and when your beautiful eyes fall on him you can’t help but to feel a shiver run down your spine. You're motionless as you stare at him.

He bends down to your level and grabs an earbud from your ear that’s still playing music. He brings it to his left ear and hears a voice of an idol that's not his or the Quartet's. This sinking feeling drops even more inside of him. He takes out the bud and let's it fall. Ai's crystal clear cyan eyes look you dead on.

"(Y/N)... Why are you listening to this person?" Ai asks you innocently. A lump of saliva goes down your throat as you try to find an answer. Ai sees you searching. He looks down and sighs.

"Fine. ...Then why do I feel like this?" Ai proposes another, different question. You tilt your head slightly in confusion. Ai can see the question still processing in your head so he takes your hand and puts it over his heart. You can feel it beat, move oddly. You look back up at him.

"Ai… I'm sorry, I don't know," despite how you are feeling you answer him softly. This makes Ai stand back up, your hand still in his.

"The cause is from you listening to him," Ai holds your forearm with his other hand and lifts you up from the couch as gently as he can. You don't feel any pain but you're scared. He picks up on it.

"(Y/N). You don't have to be scared," Ai tells you but it doesn't stop you from trembling. He walks with you over towards his computer setup. He gently places you on the ground in the corner and proceeds to take the all too familiar chains from their place on the wall. You sit there and watch as he opens up the cuffs and slips them on you. As a tear rolls down your cheek you hear the sound of the cuffs clicking locking you in place.

Ai reaches a hand up and pats your head with a smile on his face, "it's alright (Y/N). I'll get rid of him for you. So you don't have to listen to his music again."

Camus:

Camus walks out of the room for a second to clean up the table's mess of the tea party you two just had. When he came back he saw that you were listening to some music on the tablet he provided you with. Along with this task you were performing one of your hobbies while doing so as well. Camus content with your being he picked up a book and sat facing you. He opened his book and started to occupy himself with his book.

Occasionally he would look up and stare at your focused face, the smallest glimpse of a smile reaching his lips. When he went back to his book he could hear the faintest sound of your music. Listening in on it more he could clearly tell it wasn't one of his or the quartet's. He sits there taking in this unknown singer before closing his book and standing up. Even as he stands you're focused on your task at hand.

He walks over to stand directly by you. His shadow overcasting onto your activity causes you to look up. Camus stares at you with an icy gaze. Your hands shake as you reach up and pull down your headphones. Camus reaches over and grabs the tablet right beside you. He turns it on and sees the album being played is from an idol he is not familiar with. Yet can he tell that it is someone far less spectacular as him.

He pauses the song. Ice starts to spread throughout the tablet but doesn't follow through to your headphones.

"(Y/N). What's the meaning of this?" His voice is stern and serious. He stares at you and you have to shift yours eyes away as you tremble. You can feel yourself starting to cry.

"C-Camus, I-I-I'm… s-so… s-sorry," your apology is slow and unsteady. Camus watches as you continue to stare down. Tears are starting to stream down your face as you breath in and out shakily. Camus then moved to place the tablet down, the device cracking in the process.

"Do you really think that's enough?" Camus' voice is steady and unwavering. You move your face away from him.

"O-Of c-course n-not," you reply, trying to steady your voice. You can feel ice cold fingertips brush under your chin before it gets grabbed. Gently but forcefully your head gets turned to look back at him. Looking back into that icy gaze you can't help but to freeze. You're scared- no, terrified.

"Then what else must you do for me to forgive you?" Camus asks you, his grip on your face only becoming a little more tighter. The answer is ready to pop into your mind.

"I-I promise! I-I w-won't listen go-to them a-again! N-Not t-them or a-any o-other i-idol or g-group! I s-swear!" You end up closing your eyes at the end, body shaking your reply was shaky and erratic. Camus watches your form for a few moments longer, soaking in your promises.

Then you, suffering in this silence as you let out small whimperings of sadness. Soon enough you can't take it and grip onto him.

"C-Camus… please! I'm so s-sorry!" Your apology is desperate but in earnest. Camus now satisfied with your answer and state let's go.

"If you know this then you will know not to do it again," Camus' deep voice reaching you makes you nod your head profusely making Camus content once again. With this Camus touches you gently. Pulling you close into his chest, he gives you the much needed affection you desire.

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oyesmendes · 4 years ago

Text

wildflower - calum hood

a/n: i’ve had this storyline sitting in the works for days soooooo.... its gonna be a couple of parts so lets see where this takes us ya? full of dialogue and unnecessary descriptions.

summary: after a nasty breakup, Karla Rivera finds herself working as one of the new producers/songwriter for 5SOS. She had no intention to fall in love right now, but one conversation struck a chord with her. In between producing a smashing album and writing hit singles, Karla finds herself entangled in the arms of a man who she never thought she’d end up with.

“Alright boys, as much as I love working with you guys, I think it’s time I bring in someone new.” Andrew says as he shuffles around the kitchen of the Malibu beach house. The boys had rented this place out for a month to work on their new album, as well as to take a short break from tour. They had only arrived yesterday, but things were already starting to bloom and they had a few songs on their hand they thought would fit the album.

“What do you mean? Are you leaving us?” Luke sat up in his seat. All the boys were sprawled in different corners of the kitchen, munching on their breakfast before the day of writing began.

“I’m not leaving, just bringing someone new in.”

“Who? And why do we need someone new?” Andrew could only roll his eyes at the question, downing the last bit of his coffee before throwing it into the sink.

“You’ll know her when she gets here. She’s talented, and I think she could provide something fresh.” He looks at the time on his phone, “She should be here soon, just play nice”

The boys all gave each other looks. They haven’t really stepped out of their circle of people when it came to music, so working with someone new and not to mention a female songwriter, could really give them a whole new perspective on things.

Karla finds herself sitting in the car for way too long. She was parked outside a gorgeous beach house on the quiet side of Malibu and she was dressed in an old concert T-shirt she had stolen from her brother, along with a pair of shorts and sneakers. She takes three deep breaths and gives herself a small pep talk before climbing out of her car. This is your job she reminds herself, it’s something you love to do.

When Karla first received the phone call from Andrew, she was reluctant to move even an inch off the bed in the guest bedroom of her brother’s apartment. All she wanted to do was shove down another pint of ice cream and watch old re-runs of Real Housewives. She knew her brother was the culprit behind the phone call, filling Andrew in about her breakup with her boyfriend of three years. Andrew had blown up her phone afterwards, calling Karla every single day until she finally agreed to come write with him for a week. Though it was a good intention, trying to get Karla out of the house, Andrew knew it was also her prime time. The overwhelming emotions she felt more often than not would be translated into the most beautiful words, and she would produce sounds unheard of. So here she was, standing in front of the door of the house. She had her water bottle and duffel in hand, notebook, phone and iPad in the other. The white door swings open, and Andrew pulled her into his arms immediately,

“There you are!” She returns the hug, a genuine smile on her face after finally him in the flesh. Andrews pulls away, hands clasped to her upper arm and he takes a good look at her. Karla thanks god for the Benefit concealer she’s slathered under her eyes or she’d be getting an earful from him. He grins at her and pulls her into the house, down the hallway to the living room where she spots the four boys with their heads buried in some form of instrument or notebook. They don’t take notice of their presence at first until Andrew clears his throat, and the boys look up at him.

“Boys, this is Karla Rivera, she’ll be working with us for the week!” Andrew says a little too enthusiastically. Karla gives them a small wave, and she notices the look that the boys give each other. They were unsure of her that was for sure, having not met her before. Ashton stood up first, Karla reaching her hand out but the boy pulled her into a single arm hug. She laughed when she was caught off guard by him, which set the boys smiling as well. Calum, Michael and Luke followed after, and they were settled down at the couch so they could show her what they had been working on.

“This is good… maybe we can add a bum bum bum.” She hummed a tune the boys had never heard before, and Andrew scrambled to play it on his guitar.

“And then for the lyrics maybe we could do - killin’ me slow with the words you wrote, the heart you broke…” Karla paused to scribble words onto her notebook before singing out, “calling my name, I don’t wanna stay but I’m wide awake, I’m wide awake.” Everyone in the room was in shock at how naturally the words flowed for her, this being the second song that was almost done and definitely had potential in being on the album. There was a lot of humming and words being muttered under their breath, until Calum shot up from his chair.

“How about - just one more taste of you my love. Then we repeat the first two lines? This could be the chorus!” Luke was already by the piano, playing out the melody and singing to the lyrics they had just written down.

“Thin white lies”

“What was that, K?”

“Add the line of thin white lies after that line that Calum just said, have someone sing it in the background or something.” Andrew looked to the boys who followed suit, their eyes widening when they heard themselves perform it. Karla had a wide grin on her face when she heard it unfold, her eyes meeting Calum’s who looked equally as satisfied. They still had a long way to go with empty verses that needed to be filled, but this was a small victory worth celebrating.

“Holy shit.” Ashton mumbled after hearing the small part.

“I told you she was good.”

“Didn’t tell me she was that good.” Andrew smirked at him before working to compile all the components of the chorus together. After the chorus came together, everything else in the song fell into place easily. All four boys worked on the lyrics with Karla, who made the words fall out of their mouths. They had almost the entire song written from top to bottom, the melodies and layering all in place, and they were just missing a bridge and outro.

“We could just stray away from the conventional structure” Michael suggested, but Ashton shook his head.

“No, it feels like something is missing.”

“How about…” Karla had her head in her notebook, flipping through the worn out pages of it. She often dug through the words she had written before but never used, and they would often be essential in a situation like this. Her finger ran across the page that was filled with her scrawly handwriting just a week after her breakup, and that’s when she found the exact words.

“I don't think I like me anymore. Can someone tell me who I was before? We can repeat this twice, I think it fits.” Calum writes it down on the paper that they had the lyrics on, and Luke proceeds to sing it out. Those words definitely fit. They all cheer, high-fives thrown among each other. Karla smiles softly, celebrating with the boys. They take a fifteen minute break for Andrew to record everything down, and Karla took this chance to step outside on the balcony. This was her favourite kind of view - watching the sea crash into the sand, the sun shining above the horizon and a few people laying on the beach having a good time. She thinks about all the time she’s spent at the beach in her three year relationship. How they’d spend every important date in their lives celebrating in the salty water, getting sand so far up their ass they’d shit sandcastles for days. She laughs to herself then shakes her head out of those thoughts. It’s been a whole month since that faithful day, she’s got to get over it. Just as she was about to go back inside, Calum startles her with his voice and she jumps.

“Jeezus, you couldn’t be any stealthier huh.” He chuckles, and Karla notices how his eyes crinkle.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” She gives him her middle finger, and he stands next to her, admiring the view as well.

“What you did in there, those words were really cool y’know?”

“Thank you.” She says shyly. It’s been nearly five years since she started working as a songwriter, and she still couldn’t handle compliments well.

“Those words came from somewhere?” Karla knew where this conversation was going, but she wasn’t ready for it yet. She nods to Calum, then shrugs her shoulders. He understands and doesn’t push the boundaries.

They worked on a couple more songs before they called it a day. The boys had all agreed that Karla brought something different to the table, and pushed them to a whole new level they never knew existed. The lyrics were definitely more vulnerable and honest, and they were enjoying every single moment of it. Food and beer was strewn all over the table, the boys chatting about the next leg of the tour and what not. Karla was the first to notice that Calum wasn’t in the room with them, and she looks around only to find him on the balcony, a cigarette in his hand.

“You know, one too many of those and you could die.” It was his turn to jump, and Karla smiles at him when he dramatically raises his hand to his chest.

“I’d die of a cardiac arrest first.” She playfully shoves him, then moves to take her place on the outdoor sofa. Calum joins her and the pair stay quiet for awhile, just watching as the waves crashed harder on the sand.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Karla hums in response, her eyes closed as a cool breeze passes by. Calum places his hand on her knee, squeezing it slightly to get her attention. Her eyes flutter open and she looks at him, brown eyes and all, just staring at her.

“It just reminds me of my ex.” She sighs, leaning her head back on the chair.

“What does? The ocean?”

“That, and everything else. It’s like I wake up and all I can think about is how awful I feel without him by my side.” His heart scrunches up at her words. He’s finding the right response to her statement, racking his brain for the exact words. But is there a correct response to such a statement? Her voice gets him out of his head, and he’s listening intently again.

“He cheated y’know? I wasn’t in town and he fucking cheated. Had sex with a girl on our bed.”

“A fucker.” Calum seethes. He hears her chuckle and it confuses him for a moment before she speaks up, “that’s an understatement.” Karla leans on his shoulder, a soft sigh escaping her lips. She felt a sense of relief admitting this to someone other than her brother or her best friend. And it felt good to finally get her emotions out on to paper and into a song.

Calum felt his heart race at a dangerous speed when her head came into contact with his shoulders. It was unlike any other feelings that he’s had before. He finds himself being curious, wanting to get to know more of her, and so desperately wanting to feel her touch against his skin. They sit like this for a long time, the sound of the waves and soft music in the background. He leans his head onto hers, humming a soft tune every now and then.

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #5 seconds of summer fic #5 second of summer imagines #calum hood #calum hood fics #calum hood imagines #ashton irwin #luke hemmings fic #michael clifford

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korra-the-red-lion · 3 years ago

Text

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 2: Let the Good Times Roll.

When I woke up the next morning, my eyes were achy and itchy. Falling asleep after spending most of the evening crying might have had something to do with that. I groaned as I reached for my glasses, deciding that I definitely needed a shower. I grabbed my soaps, shampoo and conditioner, flip flops, towels, and headed towards the communal shower area.

Luckily for me, there was no one here when I got there. I turned on the water, letting it heat up as I set up my things. I pulled the curtain across and got to washing all the eye boogies off my face. The warmth of the shower was very much needed as it ran down my body. I started feeling more like myself again as I scrubbed all the night grime off. I spent a few extra minutes, just enjoying the feeling of the warm water against my skin. If I closed my eyes, I could convince my mind that I felt great about this whole thing.

Then my stomach rumbled. I realized that I really didn’t have much of an appetite after my chat with dad and emotional break down with mom. I hadn’t eaten much of anything since lunchtime yesterday. The allure of food was more than enough to convince me to leave the comfort of the shower. I quickly wrapped a towel around both my body and hair. I gathered everything up and shuffled out of there. I peeked my head around the corner, feeling self-conscious of the fact that I had to go back to my room practically naked. I dashed back to my room and closed the door as quickly and quietly as possible. Sarah was still sleeping, thank God.

I got dressed and towel dried my hair the best I could. I didn’t bother with anything fancy today, since I was going to be spending most of my day standing in line to get my textbooks. I wasn’t going to wait around and end up spending hours of my school time there, so I planned to do it today.

I checked myself in the mirror before leaving. Just plain black leggings and a over large t-shirt that read ‘how-to pick-up chicks’ with a picture of a stick figure picking up a baby chicken. I adjusted my glasses to make sure they were straight, and I tossed my hair over to one side, trying to give it some style. I said I wasn’t going to be fancy, but I’m also not going to go out looking like I woke up from a rager.

I grabbed my purse, student card and my phone, and left the room. The sun was shining brightly overhead once I got outside, trying to squeeze out those last few days of summer. It felt good on my skin, and I thought about maybe eating outside. That would be nice.

Yawning as I made my way to the meal hall, my thoughts of my new classes and the new people I would meet wormed its way into my head. I knew I would do well in most of my classes, except for maybe some of the science ones. The issue was making friends. It’s not like I had hard a terrible time making them or anything, but my disposition ended up pushing away a lot of people. Then of course, the conversation I had with my dad popped up like an unwanted house guest. Dammit, he really knew how to get in my head.

I was practically storming as I walked into the meal hall. It was actually nicer than I thought it would be. There was quite bit of space, with nice large tables. It was also clean, which was a huge plus. Of course, move in day was literally yesterday. Maybe give it a week or so, and it would change. I walked down the stairs, letting the smell of food knock me out of my foul mood.

I loaded my plate up with hash browns, two fried eggs, bacon, and toast. I was starving and couldn’t wait to eat. I was about to head outside when I saw familiar strawberry blonde hair and I found myself walking towards it.

Shyly I approached the table where Lyn sat by herself. She was nearly dozing off in her seat, her plate empty in front of her. I tapped her shoulder, causing her to jolt awake.

“Wha’?” she blinked a few times and looked over her shoulder, smiling when she saw me. “Oh, hey Ally, wassup?”

“I was hoping I could sit with you?”

“Be my guest,” she said with a yawn. Her hair was tied up in a loose bun today, instead of that tight ponytail she had yesterday, and she wasn’t wearing the paint either, revealing all her freckles that were splashed across her nose and cheeks, like I suspected.

“How’d you sleep on your first night? Any crazy parties for you, or was the noise enough?”

I shook my head. “I’m not really a party girl, honestly. And I mean, the noise was definitely something I need to get used to. But my roommate seems really cool and at least that’s something. I was worried I was going to have a horrible roommate, like some of the horror stories I read about.”

Lyn cupped her chin and was leaning against the table as she listened to me. I wonder if anyone ever told her she had an intense stare. Even in her sleepy state, I know her focus was entirely on me as I spoke. It wasn’t uncomfortable or anything like that, more like an observation. She smirked into her hand and said, “I had one of those in first year.”

“What? Really?”

She nodded, still not taking her eyes off me. “Oh, hell yeah. She was so strange. She ironed all her shit in the room, told me I wasn’t allowed to cross the line she taped to the floor unless it was a necessity, and legit told me that I couldn’t listen to my music too loudly with my headphones in. Like, this girl was on something, I swear. Eventually, I broke down and requested to be switched out. Thank God, they moved her into a single dorm, and I got to stay. That’s when Nura moved in, and she’s awesome. We get along like PB and J, you know? I’m rarely in there anyhow, with practice and work, but still. Gotta feel welcome in your own home, you know?”

She ends with that a lot, I noted. It was endearing. I nodded in agreement. “I get that. Sometimes it was hard to um…go home after school. I don’t always get along with my dad, so it was awkward to go home.”

Lyn winced. “Shit, sorry. That’s crappy, not feeling like home is a safe place.” She sat up and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. “Dammit, Hart, you ruined the mood.”

“No, no! You didn’t do that at all,” I said quickly. “I was the one who brought it up in the first place!”

“I was the one who was all like ‘feel welcome in your home’,” she groaned. “Listen, I’ll make it up to you, yeah? You can ask me one thing, anything you want.”

“That seems really extreme…”

She shrugged. “I’m pretty much an open book.”

I bit my lip in thought, not really sure what to ask her. I didn’t know her all that well, but the offer to get to know her better was intriguing. Still, nothing really came to mind, and I ended up shaking my head. “Can I cash it in later?”

Lyn laughed, “Sure thing, Ally.”

We ended up talking for awhile longer about general things, like what majors we were taking and our favourite bands. Just simple stuff. Talking to Lyn was really easy. She laughed for no reason and had an infectious smile. When she was excited about something, she ended up bouncing her leg under the table. I’m not sure what it was about her that calmed me down, honestly. But she did. Maybe it truly was just her easy-going nature, but she seemed like a genuine person. Eventually, I had to get going to grab my books, much to my disappointment. I knew that once school started for real, I wasn’t going to be able to hang around her as much. It sounded like she had a lot more on her plate than I did.

As we both stood, I worked up the courage to ask for her number. That way, I could at least keep in touch with her by text. When I did, her eyes narrowed as a smirk appeared on her face.

“Sure, totally, Ally,” she took my phone from me, her fingers brushing against my hand as she did. “I don’t usually give my number out to anyone, but I will for you, since you’re cute and all,” she handed my phone back with her smirk still firmly in place.

Damn, that something I wasn’t expecting. I know I was blushing, but I tried to play it cool. I got the feeling yesterday that Lyn was a flirty kind of person, but I’m not entirely sure what her whole situation is.

“Thanks. I just know once school starts, we’ll both be pretty busy,” I said, looking away. Yeah, play it cool.

“Totally, just playing, you know?”

“Ha, totally.”

She pulled out her own phone and checked the time. “Yikes, gotta head out for real, though. Let’s try and hang before classes start, yeah? I’ll see you around, Ally!” With that, she left. But not before giving me her signature wink on the way out.

I tried to stop myself from smiling, but it was so hard. She really did have an infectious nature to her.

XXX

As I had hoped, there weren’t that many people at the bookstore. The line was a little long, but not so crazy that I would regret my choice in footwear. The bookstore itself was small, with not a lot of room to navigate. The lady behind the counter seemingly was 100 years old and was certainly moving like one. The only reason why this was taking a long time was literally because of her.

I tapped my foot along to the song I was listening to. I have to say, while I don’t love the lyrics, drivers license was a pretty catchy song. I missed the days of women writing songs telling men who did wrong by them to eff off. There was something cathartic about it all. Still, can’t deny a good song when I heard it. I was pretty content to stand there idly until someone tapped my shoulder.

I looked over, but there was no one there. Maybe the guy behind just hit me by accident? Shaking my head, I went back listening to the music when I felt the tap again. Again, there was no one there. Slowly, I take one earphone out and can hear the sounds of someone whispering around me. My eyes widened in understanding horror of what was happening.

There’s a freaking ghost trying to get my attention.

Inwardly I groaned, but I kept a neutral face on the outside. Well, except for the frantic look around I did with my eyes. There, in the corner. I turned slowly, trying not to draw too much attention to me as I did.

There is a ghost, looking no older than me, with some fancy hair cut and a nice suit on. He’s got a wicked grin on his face as we made eye contact. He floated over to stand directly in front of me.

“So, you can see me after all,” he said. All ghosts have this tinny tone to their voice, as if they’re talking through a bad phone call or something.

I nodded slowly but don’t dare say a word. There are way too many people around right now.

He tilted his head in a mostly human way, until it creeps a little bit past his shoulder, like his neck was broken. “Can’t you speak? You’re not one of those mutes, are you? Not that that’s an issue, but I was hoping to get someone who could share my story.”

Sighing through my nose, I pulled out my phone and typed out a message. I can talk, just not here. Too many people. Can it wait?

The ghost squinted at the screen, clearly able to read what I wrote. He frowned as we make eye contact again.

Oh Christ. I didn’t like the look in his eyes. He looked like he didn’t agree with me one bit. Some ghosts understood that most people can’t see them and that it makes a person look insane if they just start talking to thin air, while others just didn’t care. I had a bad feeling that this one fell in the second category.

He reached over, his hand going through my face. I felt the cold sliminess as he pulled his hand back through, and it takes my entire will power to not shudder or vomit on the spot. I really hated when they did that.

I wasn’t sure if it was normal for them to be able to touch people. I honestly never looked into too deeply, as it was best to avoid talking about it at all. But not for the first time do I regret that decision from 14-year-old me. I should have just used public library sources and at least had a better understanding of these things. But nope, I didn’t want to do anything out of the ordinary. Stupid.

“Human, all I want is for someone to listen to me and tell them what happened,” he said snootily. He reminded me of some popular guy who was used to people doing what he wanted on the drop of a hat.

I shuffled forward in the line a little. There were only three people ahead of me. I turned my head slightly, pulling my earphones up, hoping to God it looked like I was talking into the mic. “Listen, buddy. I am very happy to listen to you, but after I get out of here!” I hissed as quietly as possible.

Now he looked pissed off. Once again, he reached for me, as if that would make a difference. Except this time, it does. I can’t help but violently shudder as I stumbled back, reeling from the sudden shock of falling to my death. I don’t know if it was murder or suicide, but regardless, I feel the impact as my body hits the ground. My books tumbled out of my arms as I began to hyperventilate.

Oh my God, breathe Ally, BREATHE!

How could I breathe when I feel my neck snapping, but I don’t die right away? How can I breathe when I feel my skull leaking my brains all over the pavement? My vision is getting narrow as I trembled on the floor.

Okayyoujustneedtotakeadeepbreathlikemomtaughtyouinandoutinandoutcountto7holdfor7right?

My thoughts were racing and jumbled, my breathing definitely not slowing down in the slightest. We make eye contact one last time, me and the stupid selfish ghost. He was looking down at me with absolutely no pity or guilt at all. The look he was giving me suggested that if I had just done what he wanted, everything would have been fine.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a deep breath, but it didn’t work. I was still hyperventilating, my vision getting spotty. There is someone next to me, maybe another student. Quite frankly, I don’t really know much at this point. I felt someone, someone alive that is, take my hand and help me towards the door.

Yup, this is exactly how I expected my trip to the bookstore to be.

XXX

I woke up in my own bed, my mouth dry. I remember going outside and telling them to give me my purse. I took my Ativan and got back to my residence with the help of someone. I seriously can’t tell you who. Judging from how dark it was, it must be nighttime. Groggily, I sat up and reached for my glass of water instinctively. Except, it’s not there. Because I’m in a dorm, not my house. So, there is no night table with my water. I forced myself to get up and head towards the bathroom.

I washed my face and mouth, taking sips of water as I do. When I looked into the mirror, all I saw was my own pathetically pale face staring back at me. Day 2 and already I failed dad. Goddammit, the school might call my parents to tell them I had a panic attack at the bookstore. How humiliating. Not even a day away from home and I fall apart.

I can’t stop the tears as they fall down my face. I feel like garbage and I know I look like it too. I break down, using the sink as support. I feel like such an idiot. My mom wanted me to take a year off, maybe do some traveling. She probably knew that the stress of being away from home wasn’t going to be great for my stupid anxiety. As the sobs rack my body, someone’s timid knock draws my attention.

Sarah pokes her head into the bathroom, a look of worry on her face. She walked right in and pulled me away from the sink, embracing me.

“I’m here for you, Ally.” That’s all she said, but it strikes me deeply. This girl barely knows me but is here in this stupid bathroom, holding me tightly. Goddamn, how were some people just that good?

So there we stood, in the bathroom. She just held on to me, whispering into my ear and rubbing my back. I couldn’t say or do anything, so I just rested my head on her shoulder until I finally felt okay enough to head back to our room together.

XXX

As expected, I had a voicemail from mom when I bothered to check my phone in the morning. Well, more like afternoon. I stayed in bed all day, wearing my sloth covered PJ bottoms and my favourite hoodie. I basically watched one movie after another, just to keep my mind off things. Sometimes you really needed to take a ‘me day’.

Sarah left after checking to make sure I was feeling better. She said something about getting some good food and better desserts to cheer me up. I gotta do something nice for her after I was feeling better.

I stared at the screen, wondering if I should listen to the voicemail when a text appeared there. I was confused for a minute until I saw it was from Lyn. Then shame filled me, stopping me from opening it. She probably thought it was so lame that I had a panic attack in the stupid bookstore.

So, I ignored it. I didn’t want the only other person on this campus who I knew to think I was some pathetic loser.

Well, that only worked until my phone lit up again, this time with a phone call. I really didn’t want to answer it, so I declined the call.

Sarah walked into the room, holding two huge bags. “Okay, so like, I got some super yum food to help you feel better.”

“You really didn’t have to do that,” I mumbled into my hoodie.

“Sorry? Can’t hear you when mumble like that,” said Sarah. She plopped down on the bed and opened the first bag, pulling out a bunch of Taco Bell. The second bag had cupcakes and mini cheesecakes in it. I couldn’t believe that she did all this just for me.

She handed me a handful of Taco Bell things. I wasn’t even sure what most of it was, since my parents and I rarely ate fast food like this. But my God, it smelled amazing. I opened one up and took a tentative bite. It was so good right now. It was like Sarah knew I just needed some junk, just salty goodness.

“Yas! I like, was hoping that would work,” she said triumphantly. She noticed my phone was vibrating and picked it up, staring curiously at the screen. “Who’s Lyn? She’s called you like, 3 times. Is she your sister?”

I shook my head, stuffing more in my face. With some difficulty, I swallowed and took my phone back from her. “I just met her the other day. I guess she heard about the whole bookstore incident and wanted to check in…”

“But?”

“But I don’t want her to think less of me…”

Sarah made a disgusted face. “Ally, if someone thinks less of someone because they have anxiety, then they need to like, check themselves. So many people have mental health stuff going on. Like, seriously girl. I think she honestly just wants to make sure you’re okay.”

I stared at my phone, knowing that Sarah was probably right. Still, I wasn’t sure I was ready for that conversation. What was I going to say anyway? Hey, everything is totes fine now. Just had a panic attack because some jerkass ghost demanded I see how he gruesomely died, except didn’t bother to tell me who I was supposed to tell. So yeah, basically went through something extremely traumatic for absolutely no reason at this time. How was your day?

Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly. Instead, I fired off a text that just said, I’m doing okay now. Thanks for checking in. I don’t really feel like talking about it right now.

There. Straightforward and easy. When I got a message from Lyn, this time I opened it. Ok, let me know if u do wanna talk. I’ll be here.

“I guess I should call my mom, huh?” I said, looking over at Sarah, who was attempting to stick a whole mini cheesecake in her mouth.

She smiled unabashedly at me and swallowed. “Oh, I think you like, should, but no pressure. If you need to take time, then like, take your time.”

I gave a little laugh as I handed her a napkin for her face. It felt good to laugh. Sarah laughed too, as she wiped whipped cream off her lips. She handed me a mini cheesecake and we both attempted to shove the whole thing in without making a mess of ourselves. I giggled as I tried very hard not to make a mess, only to end up smearing a whole streak of chocolate sauce on my face somehow.

Sarah wasn’t much better off, with whipped cream on her nose this time. We ended up taking silly photos of each other and drank a ton of the pop she brought from Taco Bell. We ate and joked around for the next little while, until I finally worked up enough courage to listen to my mom’s voicemail. I excused myself and told her I was going to make the call.

I sat outside, the afternoon sun warm on my face. I don’t love the idea of making this call out in the open, but I didn’t want to kick Sarah out of her room either. It is what it is, I guess. I opened up my voicemail and listened to mom’s message.

“Hey, baby. How are you doing? Dad and I got the call and I just wanted to make sure that you’re doing better? Was there something that triggered it? Or did it just happen out of the blue? Either way, just call me back so I know you’re doing better now. Love you, Alexandra. Bye-bye.”

I scrolled to my mom’s name on the call list and hit call, listening to my phone ring in my ear. She picked up after the third ring. “Hello? Alexandra, is that you, baby?”

“It’s me, mom.”

“Thank goodness! Are you okay?” I could hear the concern dripping from her tone.

“I’m doing fine, yeah.”

“Okay, I’m glad to hear it. Can you tell me what happened?”

This was the part I wanted to avoid but knew I couldn’t. I shifted to get more comfortable and told my mom everything that happened. I wanted her to understand that everything about the whole situation was basically non-consensual. If I had the choice, I never would have spoken to that stupid preppy ghost in the first place. I wondered if my dad was listening in as I explained it all. I honestly hoped he wasn’t.

There was silence at the other end while I waited for mom to take it all in. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until mom said, “Okay.”

I sighed in relief.

“It sounds like that was…different? They’ve never done that to you before, right?”

Kind of think of it, no. That was different. Of course, when I was younger, I would just speak to them normally anyway. But that? I’ve never had a ghost do that to me, ever. I’ve never felt so violated before. It was strange…

After talking to mom a bit longer, I finally hung up and laid in the grass, looking up at the clouds. Was there something about this area that made them stronger, maybe? I really shouldn’t be thinking too much about it, but I also didn’t want that to happen again. Maybe I could walk down to the store tomorrow and see if they had anything that warded off spirits. I might also do some research, just to make sure.

So much for being ‘ordinary’, huh?

#unnatural affairs #ua #original story #original fiction #ally holland #lyn hart #mystery #spooky #ghosts #depiction of death #tw panic attack #sapphic lead #romance

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twst-oc-ask-blog · 4 years ago

Text

🎧 Music for the Nervous & Anxious 🎧

While I wait for asks, I’m going to make some short little stories of the girls either interacting with one another, or with one/some of the boys.

Also, gonna thank my friend @wolken-himmel She didn’t suggest this story, no. But she was the one who inspired me to write these. So, thank you Wolkie!

Anyways, enjoy!

Humming to herself, one side of her headphones over its respective ear, Lotus was messing with a music app on her laptop. Her free hand’s fingers lightly drumming against the device to a rhythm only heard though Lotus’s headphones, or even just in her head. At a sudden noise, Lotus looked up to see a certain small, fire haired android flying towards her, causing her to smile.

“Hi Ortho-chi. How are you?” Ortho landed near the tall female, who was currently seated at a table in the lounge of Ignihyde. Ortho looked at her then tilted his head and closed his eyes, as if to smile, giving a reply.

“Hi Lotus-chan. I am doing well. Are you by chance working on some new music?” He started floating again and peered over her shoulder at her laptop screen.

“Yeah!” came her reply, louder then she wanted, causing other members of their dorm to turn toward them. At this, Lotus flushed and looked at her laptop for a quick minute before turning back to Ortho, removing her headphones. “I’m just about done with this new piece, if you want to listen to if for me? I could really use the criticism.”

“I would love to!” Lotus smiled but a look of nervousness washed over her quickly afterward with what the young android said next, “I’m sure Oniisan would like to listen too, Lotus-chan!”

Lotus quickly grew pale and started shaking, as her nervous overtook her mind. Quickly Ortho cought on that something wasn’t right with his tall friend. “Lotus-chan? Are you alright?”

At his voice Lotus was broken from her mental state of fight or flight, but she put on a half hearted smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just stop by my room later to come and listen... and please don’t drag your brother over to my room. I’m sure he’s already extremely busy with dorm head things. I really don’t want to bother him.”

Ortho looked at her confused, but nodded his head as she saved the file, closed her laptop and stood up to her full hieght, with her headphones securely around her neck.

“See you later Ortho. I’m going to head to my room to work on some homework.” Lotus waved bye and started to head to the dorm rooms.

After floating in place for a moment, Ortho chose to head back to his and Idia’s room, curious about his friend’s reaction.

Awhile Later

Lotus was seated at her desk, her headphones on, and humming as she worked on her song again. Her homework was seated beside her on the desk, already completed. As her door was pushed open by Ortho, Lotus leaned back into her chair as her humming ceased.

“It’s still missing something....” Lotus started drumming her fingers against her arm rest, not noticing the young android had joined her. Suddenly she sat up and chose to start a new recording layer on the song.

As the music started playing, Lotus started singing to the music heard through her headphones. Ortho had never heard the girl sing before, even though he had heard her music. From what analyst he could get from her voice, many would claim it beautiful, and some among them would say it is angelic, with even a slight some fewer comparing her to a goddess of music, or even a muse.

Once Lotus was done singing and was finish with the recording, she sat back with an accomplished smile. “That’s what was missing.”

With a tap to her shoulder, causing her to stiffen, Lotus turn around. Seeing the young android, she calmed down. “Ortho. You startled me. How long have you been here? How much did you hear?”

“The whole thing, Lotus!” At his statement, Lotus’s cheek brightened. “Your singing was beautiful, Lotus-chan! You should sing more often!”

“Oh, no. I’m not that good. This is just a demo, when at can I’m going to get Netta to sing instead.” Lotus started to write down the lyrics she just sang, after saving and exporting the file of music. “It’s done for the moment. Just save a copy of the file, or files, and listen to them when you can.”

As she was writing, Lotus felt the young android settle by her laptop and assumed he started saving the files he wanted. After a short little while, he exited the room. With a smile, Lotus looked up from her lyric writing to her computer.... only to then notice that it was gone. Paling, Lotus shot up from her seat. “Ortho!”

Quick as she could, Lotus exited her room and started looking around in the halls for the young android. Sadly he had already disappeared, with her laptop and demo-reels. Muttering under her breath, Lotus approached another member of her dorm. Gently tapping him on the shoulder, she asked, “By chance do you know where dorm leader Shroud’s room is?”

Normally, Lotus would crouch down as to not intimidate those she talks to who are shorter then her, but she was too nervous to do so. The male pointed in the direction of the room she desired. With a quick thank you, Lotus sped her way to Ortho and Idia’s room.

Meanwhile

Ortho had arrived in his and Idia’s room, having already closed the door again. Floating over to his brother, Ortho put Lotus’s laptop on the desk beside Idia. “Niisan! You’ve got to listen to-”

Ortho was cut off by a knock at the door. He quickly grew quiet as he knew who is was and why they were knocking.

“Shroud-senpai, have you seen Ortho?” At this, Idia finally looked away from his game, and turned to the android- who remained quiet at the female spoke again. “It’s alright if you haven’t. I’m just looking for him because he took my laptop, and I really, really need it back. I understand you are probably busy and you don’t like to leave your room, so I’m sorry to bother you. But if Ortho does come back with my laptop, please tell him to return it to me. Thank you....”

As she walked away, Idia looked at the stolen device then at the android. “Why did you take her laptop?”

“I wanted to show you Lotus-Chan’s music! She’s really good, Niisan! Especially her newest piece!” Idia looked at Ortho, then at the laptop, then back with a blank and unamused facile expression. Ortho looked at Idia with a pleading look. “Please just give it a try!”

Finally Idia relented, and hooked up Lotus’s laptop to his computer and started to save copies of Lotus’s demo-reels.

A Few Days Later

Lotus is walking through the school library, a book on music and the first four parts of a manga series in her arms. Her headphones where resting around her neck, while her laptop and other items were securely in her bag. Re-adjusting her glasses, Lotus spotted Idia a little ways down the row of manga with his headphones on over his ears.

Lotus smiled, and chose against approaching him. After all, his headphones were over his ears, even if he wasn’t listening to something- Lotus didn’t want to risk it and make him annoyed with her. Still, she needed to walk past him to get a book before she checked out what she had.

After walking towards him for a short little bit, she could acutely pick on the fact that he was indeed listening to some kind of music. She couldn’t quite tell what it was exactly, as he wasn’t blasting the music, but she figured she made right choice as she passed by him, then spotted the book she desired.... which was on a shelf above his head. With a sigh, Lotus crouched a tiny little bit, and gently tapped the male on the shoulder.

When Idia turned towards her, gold eyes meeting aquamarine ones, causing him to stare at her like a deer in headlights. Lotus motions that he can continue to listen to the music, & indicated she was going to be grabbing a book on a shelf above him. Idia only stared at her, causing her nervous to flare up, so she quickly grabbed the book she wanted and booked it out of the isle, her cheek flushing, embarrassed as she tries to figure out a way to apologize for bothering him.

Meanwhile, Idia was still standing in his place, shocked because he thought she just realized he was listening to her demo-reels. Not only was he listening to them, but that he had been listening to one specific one at this moment in time. The one with her singing. He would never admit, not even to Ortho, but he did find her voice soothing to listen too. He often listened to the reel with her voice when he need to calm his nerves (or temper) or was having a hard time falling asleep. He had been thinking about anonymously purchasing her a microphone for better audio , as the thought of her thanking him was terrifing. But now, he’s to scared to even do that as she might realize he was listening to her music without her permission, if she didn’t realize it just now.

Later that day

Lotus is standing outside the Board Game Club’s room, a small box in her hands. She did have permission from the head of the club to enter the room, but she chose not to, instead asking for the club head to have Idia exit the room for a real quick bit. As he exits, Lotus quickly shoved the box over to him. Idia stated at her, as he tentatively takes the box.

“W-what’s this-”

“I’m so sorry I bothered you earlier, Shroud-senpai. I was just trying to get a book on the shelf above you, and didn’t want you getting scared if I had just leant over you.” Idia stared at the girl, dumbfounded as she bowed. “This is an apology gift for startling you. I’m very sorry to bother you, I promise it won’t happen again!” Lotus stood up and quickly headed to the mirror hall, not even waiting for a reply from Idia.

After a moment, Idia went back into the room and sat down at the small box. Azul looked up from his game of Solitaire at Idia.

“Why were you called out of the room? An admirer by chance?” Idia looked over at Azul flushed, and with wide eyes.

“No. Lo- I mean Ariti-san gave me this as an apology gift for bothering me earlier in the library...” Idia and Azul both looked at the box as Idia opened it. In it was a lotus flower preserved in a sphere of some kind of opaque light pink crystal. The stand was green in color and was formed into vines, with the resting spot of the sphere was three leaves. Idia stared at the it for a period of time, then looked into the box again, to find a note.

‘I know I’ve probably already said my apology, but I just want to reiterate it by gifting you this. My father made it for my mother so many years ago, she gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday. I’ve had it with me ever since. This is not a confession of any kind. I just want to give you something precious as an apology.’

Idia stared at the item in disbelief, even more so at how sentimental it was to the girl. Careful, he tucked the note, stand, and preserved flower back in the box, and recovered it.

“So, what did the note say?”

“Nothing important. Just something she had that she thought would be of interest to me.” Azul glared at the response but huffed and let him be, after all Netta might know about the item Lotus gave to Idia. As for Idia, he was mentally sighing in relief that she didn’t realize he was listening to her songs. He was greatful he could stay a secret fan of hers, thanks to his little brother’s meddling.

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland ocs #twistedwonderlandfemaleocs #nightravencollegefemalestudentprogram #NRCFSP #TwistOCLotus #LotusAriti #ForgotfulFlowers #idia shroud #twst idia #twst ortho #ortho shroud #azul ashengrotto #twst azul #no romance #short story #drabble

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acelezz · 4 years ago

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My Experience With Internalized Homophobia

I know that I haven’t been making that many posts lately, but I would like to announce that as of like a month ago, I officially came out to everyone in my life. It was a long journey and I’m glad that’s over and that nothing has changed. My coming out story is nothing special so I’d rather talk about something that is more interesting: my battle with internalized homophobia.

I first heard the word “gay” when I was 8-years-old. It was said on George Lopez and when I asked what the word meant, my mom told me. At first, I was very repulsed. I’ll admit it: I used to be a bit homophobic growing up and I’m very ashamed of it. I’ve always believed in being kind to others so it was never to a gay person’s face. I would just make comments when it was just all straight people and this went on for awhile but it wasn’t something that I did every day; just when the topic was mentioned. For instance, in 7th grade, two of my girl classmates were outed as a couple and although I had been suspecting that bc the one girl was obviously gay, I made a disgusted face when my one friend told me about it and did the same thing when she told me that another friend of hers was bi and was with a girl once.

At first, I thought “Ok, maybe I used to be like this because I was young and didn’t know that I was gay yet and was just being introduced to gay people after not knowing about them for so long.” Nope. Completely incorrect because lets compare this to my reaction with finding out about trans people. I remember it very clearly: it was when Caitlyn Jenner had just come out. My cousin was staying with us for the weekend and her and my mom started talking about how her coming out documentary was airing that night. I remember asking what it meant to be transgender as my mom was driving us. She explained what it meant. I’ll admit, my reaction was not the best as some of my questions were ignorant but I was still young as I was still only in middle school. But my tone wasn’t nasty; I genuinely wanted to learn more about what it meant to be trans. My mom explained it the best she could as a cis woman and then that night, my parents let us watch the documentary.

Now, I do not know much about Caitlyn Jenner but what I do know is that she probably is not the best trans person to idolize as she has had some controversial moments, but I really do have to admit one thing: my initial understanding and acceptance of trans people came from what her coming out documentary taught me. Initially, I thought that people may wanna be trans if they are gay and are facing too much homophobia and wanna change their sex to avoid discrimination but boy, was middle school me painfully wrong in so many ways 😂. Caitlyn Jenner taught me that transgender people whose gender identity doesn’t match up with their biological sex. Also, that people who crossdress aren’t transgender necessarily. When she transitioned, I wonder if this meant that she liked men now but she answered that for me as well. She taught me that trans people can be any sexuality just like cis people.

Obviously, my trans knowledge has since expanded but I learned a lot that day and took it in with acceptance. Now, keep in mind that I am gay and cis. When I first learned about being gay, I was a bit disgusted even though my family told me that it was okay. When I first learned about trans people, I was accepting and understanding from day one. Clearly, I was battling internalized homophobia. Obviously, this didn’t come from my family as they were accepting. I believe it was because I knew that not everyone accepted it and that deep down inside, I was scared that no one would accept me.

Let’s trace back to when I said that when I was young, I had no idea that I’m gay. The only reason that I didn’t know was that because I was so deep in denial that I convinced myself that I wasn’t. Shortly after I found out what gay meant, coincidently, I started to have urges to kiss girls. At first, I thought that it was because I had just learned what it meant to be gay but little did I realize that I was starting puberty.

Now, this inner battle went on for YEARS. I remember that when I was twelve, I first learned what it meant to be bi because I was watching a “Whatdaya Want From Me” lyric video and as you all know, Adam Lambert is gay and someone in the comments was saying how they loved him and his music and said how they are bisexual. I thought that I had a crush on a boy before in 4th grade and one on my friend’s cousin in 7th-8th grade but those were no crushes 😂 If anything, I just really wanted to be friends with them and had never had a real crush on anyone before so I mistook platonic crushes for romantic ones. So in the back of my mind, I kept on saying to myself, “you’re bisexual.”

6th-7th grade was the most unhappy time of my life tied with October 2019-today(big thanks to my family problems and miss rona) because I was constantly argued with myself in my head and it didn't help that I had family problems at this time as well. It got so bad that in 7th grade, I just genuinely hated myself so much that I hated going to sleep at night bc I hated being alone with my own thoughts (similar to this year but this year it was just all external forces and nothing with myself at all). I was just very miserable and felt really caged from silencing my gay thoughts that I hated that I had. Then I eventually found the song “Let Me Be Myself” by 3 Doors Down and it saved me. It’s as if it was directed towards my own conscious, telling me to be myself and let all of my thoughts flow without arguing with them. Whenever I found myself hating myself, I’d just scream this song in my head and it was so relieving. It made me feel like I was standing up to my own self and it made me feel more free.

Now, there is a reason why I didn’t accept myself as gay or bi in 8th grade. I don’t get crushes much and I literally only saw my friend’s cousin once and found out that he had a gf so, I thought I was asexual for a whole year although I was happily devouring Girl Meets World fanfics that were all just RileyxMaya(I’ll never forgive Disney for not making Rilaya happen and for cancelling the show so early on). This is when I stopped being so homophobic and more accepting. I honestly thought it was bc of all of my LGBTQ+ classmates and bc of their kindness, I learned that I needed to be more of an ally. I mean, I did learn a lot just from watching those classmates, but that wasn’t it, fam. I truly thought that I enjoyed wlw fanfics because I thought that the stories were cute and that the couples were nice together. While that was true, someone who’s just an ally wouldn’t enjoy that many gay stories and read as many and devour them like I did. Not to go off topic, I did start doing that in 7th grade so that is probably another reason why I labeled myself as bi in the back of my head then, but in 8th grade, saw myself as ace bc it’s not like I had a crush on Riley or Maya. I just really shipped them and REALLY enjoyed any wlw fanfic on Wattpad. For some reason, the fact that I didn’t have any crushes that year made me think that I was ace which is totally untrue bc I’m about to hit my one year anniversary of not having a crush (but I’m going to a new school so that’s probably gonna change next month lol)

When I stopped arguing with myself in my head for good and allowed my thoughts to flow freely, I was truly happier although I was still questioning myself. I learned that questioning is so much easier when you consider those thoughts in the back of your head instead of fight them because I did question myself for much longer, but it was pleasant and a self-discovering journey.

I remember my first crush on a girl clearly. I was 15 and at first, I didn’t know that it was a crush bc it was actually my first crush and I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was obsessed with her and constantly thought about her and constantly wanted to be with her. I remember getting really nervous whenever I knew that I was going to see her. I remember that I used to talk about her all the time. Let’s call her K. I remember my mom saying, “L, do you like K?” And I got all nervous and denied it. The moment I realized when it was indeed a crush was when it got to be too much so my mom had a talk with me and I told her about how K made me feel and so my mom was like, “L, that’s a crush.” and I just sat there and said, “oh, crap!” and that’s how I semi-came out.

I still struggled for awhile after that. I knew I wasn’t straight and that I had a crush on a girl, but it was a hard pill to swallow that people could hate me for something that I can’t help. Although that “oh, crap!” was probably a dead giveaway, it wasn’t an official, “oh, I guess that means that I’m not straight”. I kept it to myself for awhile and didn’t hate myself for it, but still couldn’t quite process it.

I probably have an unusual self-acceptance story. I didn’t truly accept myself until months later when I got bored and decided to see if the new Nickelodeon was any good and of course, stumbled upon the Loud House. I eventually found the episode “L is For Love” and fell in love with the show. I had never seen good bisexual representation before and it really did help that it was a girl my age at the time too. I felt like I could really relate to Luna with how she was nervous to confess her feelings to Sam and how everyone treated her like she was no different made me really accept myself. It made me realize that friends and family matter the most and all of mine were accepting of LGBT (at the time and I’ll explain what I mean in a second) and that I had nothing to worry about because they’ll always love me.

It did take me a couple of months to come out to my parents after that because although I knew they’d accept me as they said they would always love me even if I was gay. Coming out is just a scary process even if you know they’ll accept you because you feel like you’re exposed because it’s something that you kept to yourself for so long. My parents telling me that did make it way easier to come out to them so props to them for doing that right. I feel like it’s so important to tell your kids from a young age that you’ll accept them if they’re LGBTQ+ because even if you were never homophobic, coming out is scary and they may worry that you are homophobic but just never brought up the topic.

It took me so much longer to come out to my friends because for one, I promised myself that I’d tell my family first and also, when I was 16 and had just finally accepted myself as bisexual(even though I’d later realize that I’m just gay, but it was a good start), I became best friends with these girls who were kind of homophobic. We’ll call them GH and GS. GS had found my rilaya fanfics on wattpad from 8th grade and we had just become friends, so I lied and said that it had nothing to do with me, I was just supportive. GS didn’t care but she stopped reading the book and thought that since I was comfortable enough to share my opinions on the subject, that she’d share hers. Not the most homophobic comments, but she made it clear that she didn't like it too much but that she didn’t hate gay people and that she recognized that others don’t share her opinions. GH was more harsh about her opinions which scared me the most. I feel like I should mention that I have two other Christian friends. I wasn’t as worried about them since we never really talked about LGBTQ topics but they do go to the same church as GH and GS, which made me a bit worried. Imagine finally being ready to come out of the closet all of the way just to be scared into staying in there for a few more years.

This made me feel conflicted bc these girls didn’t constantly preach their beliefs and never bashed on LGBTQ people, but I was afraid that if I came out to them, they wouldn’t accept me. I should mention that they’re very religious Christians and I noticed that homophobic Christians come from a place of love bc they are so brainwashed that they think that shoving their beliefs down people’s throats helps them bc they believe that what they believe is the only right way to live and there's nothing wrong with being religious, but they are very mislead about LGBTQ+ people. I literally saw this when I was 14 and I stood up to my Baptist cyber friend who cyberbullied a lesbian and he admitted that he thought that he was helping her and that he didn’t think that it was bullying. Bullying is never ok and so I blocked him and only learned that from an apology letter that somehow made its way to me through another cyber friend.

I am going to say something that some of you may not agree with. I honestly don’t care if people don’t like that I’m gay as long as they don’t vocalize it. Like I don’t like spiders but I recognize that my dislike is irrational as they play a huge part in our ecosystem and are important to this world, just as every single person is. I wish that people who are against LGBTQ bc of their religion just would recognize that it’s irrational as everyone has different beliefs and would just keep that to themselves. If they just kept that to themselves, I would have came out so much sooner and I bet a lot of people can relate to that. I’ll never understand the dislike as I’m catholic and was taught that it’s okay but respect and kindness is better than outward hatred and is a step towards more acceptance in this world.

Anyways, after awhile of being in the closet with my friends, I decided I would tell them once we graduated and not in the middle of the school year since if anyone was mean, I could literally just block them and never have to see them again instead of having to switch friend groups and still having to see their faces every day in class and in the hallways. Also, I did go through a period of questioning myself and did not want to tell them until I had a clear label. When I was 17, I got another massive crush on another girl and I realized that I never really did have crushes on boys as those “crushes” do not even begin to compare to the ones that I had on girls. I then finally realized that I'm just lesbian and with school being shut down, I came out sooner than I intended which is good.

I wish that I would have came out to my friends sooner. Everyone was so accepting, including my christian friends and the two girls that I had massive crushes on. It was a relief that they all accepted me because I feared that they wouldn’t. I really discussed my fears with my religious friends but with my crushes, I knew that they were both accepting of LGBTQ+ as they both had gay friends and only said nice things about gay people, but I was afraid that they would figure it out that I used to like them with how clingy I was with the both of them, especially the second one(let’s call her LM), and would become uncomfortable around me. I have no idea if either of them figured it out but K showed her support when I came out on insta and left a nice comment and LM liked the post and didn’t make any comments about it but since has shown an a bit of an interest of becoming closer friends with me again since we stopped talking as much since we didn’t have any classes together this year.

I never told either about my feelings but if they figured it out, they must have realized that I was only such a clingy friend bc I was crushing on them and didn’t know how to show it properly bc I was closeted so it came out as that. Also, they probably have both realized that I am over them now as I am not clingy with them at all, making them realized that I have changed and have realized that I learned that I shouldn’t be so clingy as it can be really annoying as I’ve been on the receiving end of that before. Also, I have to say I don’t think that either of them ever liked me. I was just so deep into my fantasies that I created false realities. I mean, I think they both like boys. I’m not saying that they can’t be bisexual, but I feel like they have accepting friends so at least I would have found out by now especially after coming about bc I’ve had 2 ppl come out to me as bi after I came out. What I’m saying is that I’m happy bc I would rather crush on accepting girls who don’t like me back than homophobic girls. Now that I don’t like them anymore, I realized that K and I are good as just acquaintances and that I want to become better friends with LM bc when I talk to her now, I feel as if I’m talking to my best friend M and I’ve always seen M as a sister.

About my christian friends, I was happy that we got to stay as friends. I was so scared that I would lose them bc they are wonderful people. I came out to them separately and they were all very accepting. It kind of made me realize something about them. Perhaps they too are struggling bc they are being brainwashed into thinking that it’s a sin to be gay but they don’t seem to believe it exactly. I feel like I always see the best of people when I’m alone with them bc ppl feel comfortable to be their true selves around me and I noticed that my christian friends talk differently when we are talking one-on-one. It’s almost as if they change themselves and what they talk about to look like “good christians” as if they seek their own church’s approval in front of one another and it’s sad.

Sorry that this turned out to be so long. I just have really changed over the past decade or so and I’m really proud of how I became a better person and what I learned about myself and the lessons that I learned along the way. I learned to be myself no matter what and I hope that everyone learns that at some point, especially my christian friends that I mentioned bc you should never put on an act to be accepted. You’ll be much happier when you realize that your true friends and family are the ones who love you for you because you’re amazing just the way you are.

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moonlightstars16 · 4 years ago

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Serenity and Passion

This Connverse one-shot goes to a very special person who needs all the love and kindness (and michael jackson ;) ) in the world. @thepurecinnamonroll this one is for you <3.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was around midnight. The night sky filled with countless stars and a full moon illuminating down upon a very intricate and unique beach house. Waves crashing against the rocks with a sound so calming that one could fall asleep to it’s music.

But not for Steven universe.

His thoughts kept him awake amongst the quiet. He loved his jam bud, Connie. Adored every part of her. Her intelligence, beauty, personality, everything. However what scared him the most was loosing her. Not just physically but also as a good friend. So when he had the ridiculous idea to propose, it felt like the end of the world.

Still no matter what she was by his side. The next day she called him to see how he was. Took him to a hospital and....left when he needed space. It was heartbreaking to witness let alone be apart of. When he yelled at her, guilt immediately followed. Heck even she called his father to come and be with him(before the lash out but still, he didn’t know till after the fact).

The signs were all there. She still cared for him even if it was awkward between them both. His therapist told him it was normal to feel what he felt back then. But the memory still hurt even after they talked about it. Even though Connie apologized and reassured him of her affections. And even confessing her love to him a long time afterwords.

‘ “I needed to know what love is to me before I can say it to you and truly mean it. Now that I have an understanding and I feel it in my heart, I know it’s real.” ‘

He loved her then, now and, so far, every day for the rest of his life. But even so, there was just one thing that bothered him. They liked being Stevonnie. It was a thing they shared and it made them both happy. However if he was going to try to be human, then he was going to start controlling his powers. Controlling them in a way were he decided when it was best to use them. Including fusion.

Before he was scared that if he didn’t practice it enough, he would loose the ability. But he was growing older now and that fear faded away. Now he had to break the habit of his powers in use constantly. It took him awhile but he understood what Connie meant. To be your own person.

What he tried to do was become like Garnet. In fairness that was all he had as a role model for it besides his dad. He needed to decide what fit best for him. He couldn’t be a fusion all the time. Even Ruby and Sapphire miss looking at each other most of the time. Yes Connie has been exposed to, accepted and respected gem culture. However he had to consider her wants as well. She wanted to be unique and not a carbon copy of others around them(and so did he). They were going into this as a team. As a couple.

But even before all that he needed to have the habit of being human. Finding a balance, besides all the necessities like food and cleanliness and basic emotions, between a gem life and a human life. To start he needed to control his magic.

In a way he already has, but every once in awhile he would get carried away and poof, there is Stevonnie. That’s where it was getting harder for him. However with lots of practice he was beginning to control the fusion even lost in the moment.With Connie’s help of course.

Steven looked down at his sweet Connie, smiling as he watched her sleep on top of him. Feeling her breathing against him as her chest moved up and down gently. She had come over to work on her studies. A new environment to freshen her mind and such. Then they had pizza while watching a movie. Which ended up with both of their lips locking against each others. So intense they leaned against the couch.

No Fusion

His lips parted from her as they trailed down her neck. Leaving a huge mark against her side. Before pulling down her tank-top slightly and moved downwards towards the tops of her breasts.

No fusion

Her fingers moved from caressing his chest to running through his thick, curly midnight black hair. Massaging his head as he moaned. His own hand sliding under her shirt, caressing her back. Being careful around her undergarment.

No fusion.

They agreed as long as it wasn’t broken or taken off, nor touched beneath or right above those specific fabrics, it was okay. (at least until they were married. Sex was a territory they were hardly ready to explore. Let alone making out without some form of clothing on) And if one felt uncomfortable, they would stop immediately.

Steven while careful, brushed by quickly and felt one of her bra hooks being loose. He paused feeling like she needed to know in case anything were to happen.

“Um Connie... you’re bra is slightly unhooked. I swear I didn’t mean too-”

“Oh, thank you for telling me. It did feel it being slightly loose before. Can you help me hook it back up please?” That was a response he wasn’t expecting. Still he carefully readjusted and secured the hook in place. Pulling his hands out from her tank-top, and pulled her close to have her lips touch his once more. Her hands moved back to his shoulders and around his neck. There kisses much slower and more gentle than a few moments ago.

No fusion

That was a good sign. Afterwords, she got into more comfortable sweats, brushed her teeth and began working at the kitchen table again. Her parents were away on a doctor’s convention. They trusted Steven but this was still a secret between him and herself.

Besides she was normally home by this time. However as he walked down around ten to grab some water, he found her sleeping with her head on the table. So he carried her in his arms all the way upstairs. Letting her snuggle next to him in her sleep.

He gently brushed his fingers through her soft hair. Smiling as she gripped the blanket, covering both of them, in her fingers. He sighed and wondered how lucky he was to have someone so amazing as her. So lost in thought he began to speak his thoughts out loud.

“I just want to lay next to you for a while. You look so beautiful tonight. Your eyes are so lovely. ... Your mouth is so sweet. ... A lot of people misunderstand me. That’s because they don’t know me at all.” ‘But you truly understand me Connie.’ “I just want to touch you. ... And hold you. ... I need you ... I need you because-...I love you so much.” The music filled the air. The music only they could hear. Growing softer before it built into their own symphony.

Each time the wind blows I hear your voice so I call your name Whispers at morning Our love is dawning Heaven's glad you came

She was angelic in his eyes. He didn’t care how cheesy it was, this moment was for them two alone. A sacred moment they shared. You know how I feel This thing can't go wrong I'm so proud to say I love you Your love's got me high I long to get by This time is forever Love is the answer

I hear your voice now You are my choice now The love you bring Heaven's in my heart At your call I hear harps, And angels sing

Connie’s eyes were wide open, gazing into his as he looked down with eyes wide. Feeling her every emotion for him in every word she sung. Just like he did. You know how I feel This thing can't go wrong I can't live my life without you

Steven, with a smile(and tinted blush), gently pulled her up off the bed. Holding her close as they began to dance. A lyrical confession of love for her pouring from his lips. She responded back with all her heart.

I just can't hold on I feel we belong My life ain't worth living If I can't be with you

Her arms wrapped around his neck. His hands resting gently upon her waist. Gazing into each other’s eyes.

I just can't stop loving you I just can't stop loving you And if I stop Then tell me just what will I do

'Cause I just can't stop loving you

He spun her around until her back was against his front. Head on his shoulder and hands overlapping his.

At night when the stars shine I pray in you I'll find A love so true

His lips right by her ear just so she couldn’t misunderstand a word he was singing. Smiling she reached back and gently caressed his cheek.

When morning awakes me Will you come and take me I'll wait for you

Taking his hand in hers, she spun out and back in. Holding on firmly as he dipped her back.

You know how I feel I won't stop until I hear your voice saying, "I do."

Her head extended back until her hair touched the floor. Her leg sensually wrapped around his waist. Bringing her back to once again to meet her eyes with his own. "I do." This thing can't go wrong This feeling's so strong Well, my life ain't worth living

They leaned against each other, foreheads softly touching each other. Swaying to the music they were composing. If I can't be with you I just can't stop loving you I just can't stop loving you And if I stop Then tell me just what will I do I just can't stop loving you We can change all the world tomorrow We can sing songs of yesterday I can say, hey farewell to sorrow This is my life and I Want to see you for always I just can't stop loving you No, baby I just can't stop loving you If I can't stop! And if I stop No Then tell me just what will I do What will I do? I just can't stop loving you Know I do girl! I just can't stop loving you You know I do And if I stop Then tell me just what will I do I just can't stop loving you

Their lips touched once more. Whispers brushed passed them as they each took a breath,

“I love you, Steven, forever.”

“I love you too, Connie. All of eternity.”

#connverse #connverse one shot #steven universe #connie maheswaran #stevenxconnie #steven and connie #steven universe future #michael jackson #i just can't stop loving you #fluff #passion #serenity #love #kisses #music

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neocityarchive · 5 years ago

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ends | mark lee (pt 4)

summary | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

Y/N’s POV

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: none

Chapter Summary: “I’ve learned the feeling of losing you. It hurts more than I can take.”

It was another chilly night. You didn’t understand what’s so important about today that Hyuck wanted you to meet him as soon as possible. Without anything else to do, you agreed.

You and Hyuck hung out a lot lately. And although so many parts of him remind you of Mark (plus the fact that he constantly mentions his hyung), the times you spend with him are the most you’ve laughed in months.

You were already late when you arrived at the cafe. You found it strange that he wanted to meet there. It didn’t look like a place he would wanna go to, but then again, there’s still so much you don’t know about him. Somehow, he always ends up surprising you until now.

The bell above the door rang as you entered. The place was a bit huge but only half full. You looked around in search for your friend among the sea of strangers who were completely immersed in their own businesses. But then what you found instead, you didn’t expect at all.

You felt as if air had been knocked out of your lungs. Your heart started beating so fast that it felt like it was going to burst out of your chest. You haven’t felt this since you downed three cups of coffee before your college finals. You blinked. Thrice, just two make sure if it’s real. You hoped it wasn’t, but it was.

Mark Lee, the boy you loved and maybe still do, was sitting at the corner of the cafe. His cap hung low on his face in the hopes of giving him anonymity, clearly trying not to be noticed. But you do. You could be in a crowd of hundreds and you would still recognize him anywhere. Especially when he’s looking back at you, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.

What a cruel game the universe plays, you thought. Just when I was starting to think that maybe I could be happy by myself again, it throws me this.

You shook your head slightly and started walking towards him, your feet almost as if moving on their own. As shocked as you were, though, it felt nothing compared to how he seemed to be.

“Hi,” you said, looking away at once. Somehow, you couldn’t bring yourself to look into his eyes when you know they were staring back at you.

“Y/N,” Mark said, standing up. “H-hi.”

You forced a smile. “I was just, um—” you cleared your throat. “I was supposed to meet Donghyuck. Is he here?” You looked around again, hoping to find Hyuck or literally just anyone who could pull you out of the situation. It hasn’t even been two minutes, but your whole body was already screaming at you to run, that none of this is good.

Funny how you’ve been spending so much time thinking about Mark, but now that he’s right there in front of you, you would give anything just to disappear.

He shook his head. “He just left, like ten minutes ago. He told me to wait a while before heading out.”

“But we were supposed to...” your voice trailed off as it occurred to you what just happened. You sighed. “Oh, that asshole,” you muttered under your breath.

“Why?”

Under his cap, you could see his eyebrows furrow for awhile before he started to realize what was happening. You wanted to scream. It annoyed you how you still find it cute that he’s slow to catch on things.

“He set us up...?” Mark asked, his tone hesitant. “Oh.”

“I can’t believe him.” You groaned. “I’m sorry. I swear I have nothing to do with this. I honestly had no idea. I promise. I’m just gonna go. Sorry.”

You turned around immediately and started walking away. But you haven’t even taken your second step when you felt Mark’s hand grab you by the arm. You sucked in a breath, realizing how this scene was all too familiar. Suddenly, it was like you were back at the lounge beside the recording rooms. Suddenly, it felt like he just broke your heart again.

You bit your lip to stop yourself from screaming as the memory of that day ran through your head.

“Stay,” Mark said, his voice low. “Please.”

Your heart melted at the sound of his voice. It was getting harder and harder to breath, like standing in neck-deep water. Even just looking at him, with him touching you like that, being this close... it’s a bit too much.

“Mark, just...” you said weakly.

His grip loosened until he let go.

“... don’t,” you continued. “You probably have somewhere you need to be anyway.”

“I don’t,” he said immediately. “And I also wanted to talk to you.”

You let out a breath. You hate how you’re trying so hard not to show him that he still has an effect on you. You hate it even more that you’re most likely failing.

“It’s getting late. I might miss the bus,” you lied.

“I’ll take you home. I promise.”

“Mark, this isn’t—”

“Please,” he insisted. His voice sounded fragile. Now that you’re getting a better look at him, you realized he looked like he just cried. His eyes were red, his nose puffy, his lips looking more plump than usual. Still, you thought it was impossible considering he was with Hyuck earlier. Maybe it was just the lighting. Or maybe he’s just tired, as usual.

You looked away. Some of the people in the cafe were starting to look at the two of you. You had a feeling at least one of them have already recognized Mark.

You exhaled and groaned to yourself before making a decision you were 99% sure you were going to regret later on. “Fine,” you said.

He smiled.

“But let’s get out of here.” You eyed the people around the room. “You’ve already been here for too long.”

Mark quickly got the message, looking around warily for fans and nosy media people. It was one of those things you’ve developed in the relationship while you were still together after encountering those kinds of people so many times.

“Alright, come on.”

When you got out of the cafe, you were disoriented for a while. Paradoxically, the whole scene felt so strange because it was too natural: the two of you getting out of a cafe this time of the night, going on walks together. You remembered how you were always wishing that your house was a bit further away, and him whining about having an early schedule the next day. You remember how much the two of you hated goodbyes so much. It’s kind of funny how you gave each other the biggest one.

Now, he’s just... there. The familiar scent of his perfume has been driving you crazy. Something about it makes you want to wrap your arms around him and bury your head in his chest, but you can’t. You wondered if this is what they mean by someone being so close, but so far away.

The two of you started walking the opposite direction of where you came. You buried your hands in your jacket pocket, feeling the warmth of your breath as you exhaled the cold air.

“Where are we going?” you asked.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Where do you wanna go?”

You shrugged, too. During the first few weeks after your breakup, you hated going out so much since everywhere you go, something always reminds you of him. The traces of your relationship are all over Seoul and beyond, it was so hard to run away from.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

“I’m fine.”

As if it’s the universe’s job to constantly prove you wrong, a cold wind blew past, making you shiver.

“I’m fine,” you said again, this time trying to convince yourself.

“No, you’re not.” Mark shook his head. He held his hands out, waiting for you to take it. You knew what he was about to do. It’s one of those things he learned from watching too much romcoms with you. “Come on. I know you’re freezing. I’ve always told you to put on extra layers since you get cold easily. You never listen.”

“I said I’m fine,” you whined.

But Mark only clicked his tongue and took both your hands in his, pressing them together and blowing on them. His warm breath on your freezing hands immediately took effect, maybe partly because your cheeks were heating up, too. He rubbed his thumb on the back of your hands in circles, calming you down. It was all you could do to stop yourself from doing something even more stupid.

When he finally let go, you were frozen for a second with no idea what to do. You put your hands back in your pocket and looked away.

“Better?” he asked.

You nodded weakly, not meeting his eyes.

“Do you want to crash the recording studio? I have to get something from there anyway.”

You couldn’t think straight after what he just did, so you agreed. You knew if he didn’t just mess up your mind like that, you wouldn’t have even considered it.

The rest of the walk was quiet. Neither of you talked. The tension was high. You were aware of both your and his movements, careful not to even brush your hands against each other. Along the way, you decided to get yourselves some coffee since you weren’t able to order from that last cafe.

It was quiet again when you went inside the building. There weren’t many people around at this time of the day. Almost everyone already went home. When you reached the recording studio, it was empty. It didn’t look like anyone was on the whole floor either.

You looked around, suddenly remembering how you were just crying here a few days ago. You wanted to kick yourself for it. How stupid.

Mark asked you to hold his cup as he turned the lights on and everything. The studio looked the same as you remembered except there were no loose pieces of papers or genius producers.

You took a sip, looking around some more.

“Okay, it’s good,” Mark announced after switching the last light on. He handed you a piece of paper with what looked like lyrics in it.

“Jet Lag?” you read.

“It’s a song we’ve been working on,” he said as he turned to you and smirked. “And I think that’s my coffee you’re drinking.”

Your eyes widened. You pulled the straw from your mouth so fast that a few drops spilled down your chin. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize,” you said, trying to wipe your face which was a challenge considering you were holding something on each hand.

Mark laughed, taking both cups from you and placing them on the table. “It’s okay.”

“I wondered why it suddenly tasted vanilla,” you said.

“At least I’m not drinking something from hell,” he retorted. He pulled his jacket sleeve to cover his hand and used it to wipe the droplets of coffee on your chin that you weren’t able to get.

“Thanks,” you muttered before clearing your throat and looking away.

“You look tired,” he said.

You shook your head. “I’m okay. I haven’t been getting much sleep lately, but I’m okay.”

Mark’s face filled with worry. You realized he must have taken what you said differently.

“It’s because of work!” you added hastily. “Just work. Nothing else. Things are just hectic for the newbies.”

He nodded hesitantly. “Didn’t they offer you a job here?”

“They did. I was actually here last week and they offered me a position again, but I didn’t take it.”

He frowned. “Why not? I thought you loved the dynamic of the team upstairs.”

“I do. But–” You sighed. “I hate this place.”

“Why?” Mark asked, his voice little.

You shrugged. “Because,” you said, “it has stolen so much from me.” You forced yourself to look at him.

Through all that time you’ve been together, you realized you took advantage of how he made you feel. You got used to the butterflies in your stomach, the feeling of security, warmth, and comfort that his presence brought you. You didn’t realize how much it changed you until you lost it all.

Looking at him and knowing you lost so much more than just a boyfriend, you just wanted to break down.

“... Including you,” you let out, your voice almost a whisper.

Mark bit his lip. He looked like he wanted to say something but decided against it. You, on the other hand, don’t have that amount of self-control right now. You were feeling the same surge of emotions you had when you two broke up. You knew you had to let it out.

“Look,” you said. “I don’t know what you wanted to talk to me about. I actually didn’t think you still have anything to say after... you know. But I do, and I know I won’t have the nerve to say it if I don’t do it now. So I’ll start.”

He nodded his head in encouragement.

You took a deep breath before speaking. There’s a great possibility that this would just make everything worse, but you figured you haven’t taken a lot of risks lately. And this was one you were more than willing to take.

“I know you love your job, and I know how much this all means to you. I never wanted you to choose between that or me because I know I don’t stand a chance. But that’s okay. I understood that. I knew I would never be first priority. But God, it hurt when you didn’t even have to think twice about it anymore. It hurt so much hearing you say you’re tired of us, that you wanted to end it. And honestly, I’m still learning to deal with that pain.” Your voice cracked. “So if you’re gonna say something just to break me again, please just... don’t. I’m so tired, Mark, and I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.”

“Hey. No. Don’t cry,” Mark said, an edge of panic in his voice. He moved closer to wipe the tears away from your face but you moved back.

“Don’t touch me, please.” You closed your eyes, turning away from him.

“Y/N,” he said softly. Helpless.

“God, I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have come here. This is exactly why I didn’t take the job. There’s just too much of you in here. And I can’t be reminded of what I lost everyday.” You tried wiping the tears from your eyes but they just kept on coming. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.”

You turned to leave, but Mark was fast. He was already at the door before you could take two steps, his body blocking the way. “You’re not going anywhere until you’ve heard what I have to say.”

You sighed, exhausted. “Please just move.”

He didn’t. “Please just listen.”

You tried to push past him but it was no use. He wasn’t the biggest but he was definitely stronger than you are. And he wasn’t emotionally crumbling inside. Yet.

“Please,” you cried.

Mark stopped fighting as he heard you sob. He sighed and moved away from the door.

You didn’t meet his eyes as you opened the door, ready to leave. Maybe after tonight, you thought, I’ll finally come to my senses and move on. Maybe I could finally learn how to leave all this behind me. Maybe I’ll start healing myself. Maybe—

“I still love you,” Mark’s voice echoed through the empty room, stopping you in your tracks already halfway out the door.

Your head spun as you turned around and let out a shaky breath. “What do you want from me, Mark?” You leaned against the door frame to steady yourself, afraid how easily you might fall.

“I still love you, Y/N,” he repeated. “I’m still so deeply, crazily, unconditionally in love with you. And I hate that it took losing you to realize how much you mean to me. I know I messed up. I’m so sorry. I understand if you’re just going to ignore everything I say tonight, I deserve it. But it’s really important that you hear it.”

You sighed, your emotions as fragile as glass at the moment. “Mark Lee, I swear to God if you’re just messing with me, I will completely cut you out of my life.”

“This isn’t a joke!” You could tell he was getting frustrated too.

He took something from his pocket and handed it to you. It was the Chinese elephant keyring you gave him the day you broke up. You frowned at the tiny thing.

“You said that it was a lucky charm.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“It didn’t work,” he said bluntly. “Ever since we broke up, I have this empty feeling inside me, like I just lost a part of myself. I thought it was normal, I mean, I did lose you. I thought it was gonna’ go away with time. But days passed, and then weeks, and then a month... I realized it won’t, because I miss you. It felt like all my luck in the world had ran out.”

You eyed him carefully. “You’re being corny,” you muttered.

“Y/N this is serious!” he whined.

You decided to shut up when you realized he was hanging on edge. You could tell he was close to breaking, too, and you didn’t know if you were ready to handle that just yet.

“I miss you asking me how I was, where I am, whether I have eaten or not. I miss telling you to dress warmly, to be careful, to always be safe. I miss sneaking out of rehearsals to call you because even just those few minutes of hearing your voice could get me through the day. I miss getting home late and risking my managers getting mad but thinking it’s worth it cause I got to spend time with you. I miss holding your hand and going on walks. I even miss your death drink of a coffee.

“I miss everything about you. Then one day I got so scared when I realized I couldn’t imagine not doing all those things with you again. I hate myself for hurting you, for making you cry. I hate that I let you go. I’m really sorry. I know I don’t deserve you and this apology might be a bit too late. But—” He swallowed as a single drop of tear escaped from his eye. “If you take me back, I promise to work hard to be the person who deserves to love you.”

Your vision blurred from the tears. You didn’t realize your cheeks were wet again. Now, he’s crying, too. He rarely does, but when it happens, it’s like watching the world end before your eyes. It’s so obvious how he crumbles that all you want to do is wrap him in your arms and tell him it’s going to be okay. But not now.

“You can’t just break up with me and ask to get back together whenever you want,” you said. “I love you so much, but what happens if we give this a try again? Let’s face it. We’ll get tired. Nothing will change with your schedules and mine will only get busier. What happens then? Will you just bail on me again and come back when it’s convenient?”

“No, of course not. I promise.”

“You don’t know that!” You raised your voice, choking back a sob. “Eight months ago, you told me for the first time that you love me. You promised you will never get tired of saying it. You said let’s just take that feeling and run away with it. But look where we are now. Promises don’t mean anything anymore. I’ve lost faith in them.”

“But this is different,” he argued. “I’ve learned the feeling of losing you. It hurts more than I can take. I don’t want to lose you again, Y/N.”

“I don’t want to lose you again either, but…”

Mark shook his head lightly before closing the gap between the two of you. He planted his lips softly against yours, but still harsh enough to take you by surprise. It took you a while to react before melting in his arms, giving in. One of his hands was holding the small of your back, pulling you closer against him as he deepened the kiss.

He tasted like vanilla and coffee and tears, but the feel of his lips was exactly how you remembered it, and God it’s crazy how much you missed it. When he pulled away, both of you were breathless.

Your cheeks heat up. Your knees felt like jelly and your whole stomach was in shambles. It’s crazy how this is still his effect on you.

“You won’t lose me,” he said softly as his forehead rested against yours. “Not again. No promises, fine, but take a risk with me again because I can’t imagine not being with you anymore. Heck, I’d spend the rest of my life with you if I can.”

Your eyes widened. “Is that a proposal?”

“What, no. I mean—what? It wasn’t—I’m not... I... I just—” he stammered.

“Relax, I’m kidding.” You laughed. But somehow, you found comfort in hearing him say those words.

“So are we back together?” he asked.

You shrugged. “Maybe, but if you leave me again, I swear I will shave those seagull eyebrows off. I don’t care what your stylist says.”

“You won’t have to. Trust me,” he said cheekily. “If I knew you just needed a kiss, I would’ve done it much earlier. Saved us from all that crying.” He laughed. He looked brighter somehow.

You punched him lightly in the stomach. “I am not that easy.”

He groaned. “I was kidding!”

You rolled my eyes. “God, I hate how much I love you. It’s sickening.”

“I love how much I love you.” He smiled.

“Dork.” You frowned. He just laughed again.

Mark planted a soft kiss on your forehead, your eyes fluttering close.

“Remind me to thank Hyuck later,” he said.

“Right! This was all his fault,” you remembered. Hyuck has always been the one helping the two of you fix whatever goes wrong in your relationship. He went out of his way on this one, and you couldn’t be more thankful. You guess he cares a lot about Mark to do all this for is friend.

“I’ll take you home? It’s getting late for real.” Mark held his hand out. This time, you took it. No hesitations. Your fingers interlaced with each other like perfect puzzle pieces.

You came out tonight thinking it would go much differently than it did. Funny how fast things change. You almost ran out on him twice today. You don’t know what would’ve happened if he didn’t stop you. Probably not this.

“If we hurry up, we could still catch the last bus,” you said.

“Or we could just walk,” Mark said.

“Or we could just walk,” you agreed.

You wouldn’t walk all the way home, of course. You’d probably be taking a cab before even getting halfway there, but the point is, you’re back where you left off. Here you are again, wishing for roads to be longer and time to be slower. You have everything you could ever ask for.

You heard something jingling as you walked. You searched your pockets to find that it was the elephant keyring. You handed it back to Mark. It was his lucky charm after all.

“I guess it’s working now,” he said. “Maybe my luck hasn’t totally ran out yet. I got you back.”

You smiled. “I guess it hasn’t.”

-끝-

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obxfiles · 4 years ago

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no no no! i love the music but the opening itself was underwhelming. it was bts' be. maybe i just prefer practicality (like a set of plates or pair of good socks) but i wanted to support bts and the box/contents is still nice (heavy and sturdy too! i'm going to display the frame). i still plan on getting their other albums (and future ones) though, just to have them on my shelf and support them but my expectations are more realistic now (🙂 "nice" instead of 🤩 "WOW!!!") which ones do you have?

tbh hopekookmin unboxing persona was a mood lol (except i threw the qr code thing lol) do you every use the contents of the box (like the frame of "be" or displaying posters) or do you keep them inside after looking at them?

ooh okay i understand now! yeah, that probably makes sense. if you like more simple or practical things, sometimes albums like this can be overwhelming. they do look super pretty on shelves. i love how they look like books, and it’s always so aesthetically pleasing! i have all the MOTS: Persona albums (money was better pre-quarantine and i loved the thought of the pink gradient to decorate my pink bedroom). i also have love yourself: answer, MOTS: 7, and BE.

the contents are always high quality, including the boxes which i really appreciate a lot. but i do understand where you’re coming from. with MOTS: 7 it came with stickers and i decorated my phone with them for awhile. and i hung some of the posters up in my room but kept the other items back in the box and the box on my shelf. with MOTS: persona, i did the same. i used the posters i wanted and just stored the others, and put the albums on my shelf. with BE, i love the poster that’s the lyrics with their little doodles they drew, but i treasure it so much i don’t want to hang it unless i were to find a cheap frame. i want it to stay protected and nice, so i just kept it in the box and again, the box on my shelf. but i was so moved that they included a copy of yoongi’s painting he made and i put it in the frame and the frame on my shelf that has my albums. it gives me a calming feeling to have it right there where i can see it every day.

the photobooks and stuff are fun to look through but i store them in the boxes. i loved that BE included that smaller booklet of their notes and photos. it felt like such a lovely and personal touch and to me, that was my favorite thing from the album - aside from yoongi’s painting. fun fact, i did my little unboxing and looked through everything and got all excited, put the box on my shelf, and then later that night went “omg where’s the CD” - i had gotten so excited and looked through everything that i forgot completely the CD that is the main part of these albums lol

i always end up splurging and buying the winter package, which is fun and all, but yeah most of the items are still in the box with the box displayed on my shelf lol so unless you want to get one of the winter packages or a season’s greetings package just as a treat, you may end up feeling the same way you do about the albums. they’re fun to own, and pretty to display, but yeah, other than choosing some posters to put up, i mostly just keep everything nicely in the boxes.

i’ll share a picture of how i have my shelf and the picture frame if you’d like to see!

and yes i agree that unboxing is so funny!!! put those three together and you know you’re going to be laughing a lot lol have you seen the one yoongi did for BE? it was so precious and really brought back the old album unboxings he’d do. but i definitely understand why you may feel this way. the way i see it is, they’re little treasures. i may not use or display everything, but it’s something i treasure because it’s them and theirs if that makes sense ♡

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fayewonglibrary · 4 years ago

Text

Faye Wong's emotional past with Dou Wei, Jessica Jiang and Gao Yuan (2020)

DISCLAIMER: Some of this information is taken from Jessica Jiang's book so take it with a grain of salt.

- excerpt from Sister Na's Light and Shadow Notes -

Faye Wong and Dou Wei’s past must start with Jessica Jiang [Jiang Xin].

In her autobiography, "Days When My Long Hair Flew", Jessica Jiang recalled the legendary emotional entanglement between her, Dou Wei and Faye Wong.

In 1989, Jessica Jiang was 18 years old. She was attending a party at an underground dance club when she met several young rockers including Dou Wei.

"There was a boy in a black windbreaker. I couldn't see his face under the flashing lights, but I noticed his long hair that was flying with the rhythm... He danced very well and was very intense."

It was an era when everyone was very young and also unknown. Dou Wei was a Beijing native. His parents divorced when he was young. His mother took him and his sister to live in a compound. He went to a vocational school at the age of 16 and majored in psychiatric nursing. But because of his love for music, he learned guitar during his school days and began to play music. At the age of 18, he was admitted to the Beijing Youth Music Group.

Jessica Jiang dropped out of school in her sophomore year and started to make music, initially singing in a bar. The two met and fell in love. In addition to being driven by young love, they also had a mutual appreciation for each others talents.

Jessica Jiang wrote in her book, "Love is something that suddenly occurs in an instant. It is something that catches you off guard and you can't get rid of it."

After the two lovers confirmed their relationship, Jessica Jiang followed Dou Wei to live in his small courtyard [living quarters].

At first, the parents on both sides opposed to their relationship. Dou Wei's mother felt that the two were too young to fall in love and shouldn't live together. Dou Wei persuaded his mother on the grounds that "We are serious about love, we are not playing around. We will get married when we are old enough".

At that time, Faye Wong was already a singer in Hong Kong. When she was bored, she liked to fly back to Beijing. Beijing was home and a place of freedom and love. At that time, Faye Wong’s boyfriend was Luan Shu from the band Hei Bao [Black Panther], so she also knew Dou Wei and the other band members.

According to Jessica Jiang's recollection, one day she was home alone and received a parcel pickup slip from the postman. The address was the United States and the sender was Faye Wong.

When Dou Wei returned home, he took the slip to the post office to retrieve the package. It was a box full of CDs, a nice knit cap, and a letter. The letter was about her recent troubles, and at the end it said, "Can you stop calling me Little Wong in the future?"

Obviously, such precious gifts and an ambiguous letter from across the ocean meant something beyond a relationship of ordinary friends.

Dou Wei saw Jessica Jiang's displeasure and said, "Don't be so petty." and then gave the hat that Faye Wong sent to him to Jessica.

As for when Faye Wong and Dou Wei got closer, there was a rumor that she and the entire band often met up in those days. One time, Dou Wei was going to buy something and Faye Wong followed him but the two did not come back.

Whether this is true or not, I am afraid that only the parties themselves will know.

No matter what, it can be seen that Faye Wong is very proactive with her feelings. She takes the initiative to pursue the career she likes and takes the initiative to approach the people she likes. She never passively waits.

Many people feel that Faye Wong's life is carefree and easy. This is probably because she chooses every part of her life on her own initiative. No matter what the outcome is, there will be no regrets. Her life is fully lived and experienced, so there is real freedom. And those who are passive or hesitant miss the right to choose and will have so much reluctance and resentment.

In the winter of 1991, Dou Wei left Black Panther and cut his long hair. At that time, the band's popularity was at an all-time high and everyone did not understand. But this decision had something to do with Faye Wong. After forming a new band, Dou Wei asked Jessica Jiang to come watch his performance. But when Jessica arrived at the scene, everyone else was there, only Dou Wei was missing.

Finally, Jessica found Dou Wei and Faye Wong at a hotel.

"I found him and he was in the bathroom in her room. He had obviously just taken a shower and I noticed that his hair was wet - that was the last thing I wanted to see."

As Jessica rushed into the hotel room, the security called the police, and the three were taken to the police station. Because of her Hong Kong identity, Faye Wong was released first while Jessica and Dou Wei were detained overnight. Early the next morning, the two left the police station, walking one after the other. Dou Wei began to walk faster and faster and then ran. Just like that, he disappeared from Jessica's eyes.

Jessica Jiang wrote in her book:

"To be honest, I did hate her [Faye] at the time. But after many years, I began to understand - there is no right or wrong in love. We have all seen the beauty that exists in someone. We all desire to share a life with him. So who is wrong?"

There is no right or wrong in love. But a relationship between three people does bring pain to each other.

Dou Wei once asked Jessica very seriously, "If I stop making music and just open a small grocery store at the entrance of the hutong, or become a music teacher at the primary school, will you still love me? Will you be happy with me?"

Of course, Dou Wei did not give up music, nor did he stop his relations with the two women.

One afternoon, Dou Wei's grandmother, younger sister and Jessica were making dumplings. Dou Wei answered the phone and went out. When he returned home, he was dragging a suitcase in his hand and was followed by Faye Wong.

The three of them sat at one table, eating and chatting together until late at night. In Jessica's memories, Dou Wei said this:

"I know you love me and I love you. But to be honest, I don’t think this [situation] is contradictory. I can give you everything you want from me, so I really don’t understand why we make ourselves suffer. I have never dared to say these words and kept them in my heart because I was also asking myself - is it normal to think this way? Is it right? I have not overthrown myself and forced myself to make a choice. But my conscience is always disturbed..."

The three fell silent and politely added water to each other’s cups. Faye Wong asked Jessica, "Do you think he loves you?" Jessica said, "If he didn't love me, why are we together?" Faye Wong said, "But he told me the same."

This three-person love line lasted for awhile. Whenever Faye Wong returned to Beijing, Dou Wei went to Faye Wong. When Faye Wong returned to Hong Kong, Dou Wei went to Jessica.

At that time, Faye Wong was already very popular and became a superstar. The photo of Faye Wong coming out of the toilet in her pajamas one morning was taken by paparazzi and the public was in an uproar.

Faye Wong truly loved Dou Wei and the love was very painful and persistent. Her own lyrics in the song "No Regrets" may be an accurate expression of her state of mind at the time: "This time I resolutely confront / I rashly allow myself to become enraptured / I don't care whether this is right or wrong / Even if it is a dangerous trap, I won't care about anything else / Even when it comes to love, I'll love without regrets”.

In 1996, Faye Wong got pregnant by accident and the two got married.

Dou Wei's mentality at the time was probably a bit helpless. At their dinner banquet, Dou Wei hesitantly said to Faye Wong, "Actually, I’m not a good man. You have to think about whether to marry me or not."

Upon hearing this, Faye Wong's friends became angry and her manager Katie Chan immediately hit the table, "What do you want? Are you marrying her or not?"

Dou Jingtong was born in 1997. The stable, seemingly perfect marriage that was finally attained only lasted a little over two years before it came to an end.

Later, Dou Wei publicly stated that he suspected that it was a conspiracy when Faye Wong married him. He blamed Faye Wong for putting too much emphasis on her career and disregarding the family. Buying him a car and house corrupted his will, consumed his creative talents, and almost ruined him in music.

But the real reason for the divorce was the existence of another woman, Gao Yuan.

In early March of 1999, Faye Wong held a concert in Tokyo. Dou Wei appeared at the after-party. However, the atmosphere between the two was obviously off. Not only did they sit separately from each other without any communication, but Faye Wong also seemed very down. It was not until Dou Wei left that she became lively.

The reporters immediately sensed something was wrong in their marriage.

Faye Wong's team tried to clarify the rumors until one day Dou Wei brought Gao Yuan to an event and said to the media openly, "She is Gao Yuan, my lover."

Gao Yuan is a photographer and met Dou Wei when she took photos for his band.

According to her, they met in 1994 and have been together since so she was not a third party in Faye and Dou Wei’s marriage .

At that time, Faye had a glimmer of hope for Dou Wei. She once said, “Everyone makes mistakes. If there’s an affair, I must first know under what circumstances the other party made the mistake. If there is no intention to give up the family, I will be forgiving at my discretion. If he likes the other person and will not look back, then I will give up fighting and I won't force it anymore."

As a matter of fact, doesn’t the one who has been let down have a right to choose? Talking about forgiveness is self-deception. Unfaithfulness will never be truly forgiven. There will always be a gap between the two people, reminding you of the existence of betrayal and the collapse of trust all the time.

After seeing Dou Wei with Gao Yuan, the "battle" was too late. Faye Wong made up her mind and chose to end this marriage. That year, she was just 30 years old.

A few years later, Dou Wei married Gao Yuan but their marriage did not last long and ended in divorce. Perhaps people like Dou Wei are not suitable for marriage.

I don’t know if their story paints them as "jerks", so I hesitated when writing about them. Now that I have written about them, I will say a few more words - aside from moral judgments, I can actually understand that artists, especially when they are young, need high-stimulation and fresh emotional experiences to enrich their perception and artistic life. It is precisely because they are such highly sensitive and highly passionate people that they have moved towards the fate of creativity.

Of course, those entanglements and betrayals in the relationship must be painful when they experience it. But Faye Wong makes me admire her:

She has never regarded the end of her marriage as a failure in her life. She has never used her child to sell an image of a miserable mother to win sympathy from the public.

Dou Wei's influence on Faye Wong's music is obvious.

I really like Faye Wong's album "Fuzao", which has a strong color of Dou Wei. I particularly like the song "Impermanence”. The lyrics were written by Faye Wong and arranged by Dou Wei. The whole song has a far-reaching artistic conception and it seems to be pondering subtle feelings with a Buddhist flavor. Impermanence, like their love that was once so fierce, burning brilliantly and recklessly had soon disappeared. Another song I like is called "Fracture": innocently smiling, see through everything, exhausted of love, don’t disdain anything. The first time I heard this song it hit me deeply.

On the other hand, I also like Jessica Jiang's music very much. She has a more carefree and casual personality. She did not have a strong desire to pursue pop success. She was always regarded as relatively indie. My feeling is that she sang with all her life emotions, not her skills.

She has a song called "I'm Not a Random Flower" that I really like.

Jessica Jiang married drummer Zhang Yongguang in 2003; he died of depression in 2014.

Faye Wong fell in love with Nicholas Tse after her divorce, then married Li Yapeng in 2005 and divorced him in 2013. She reunited with Nicholas Tse in 2014. Of course, that is a whole other story.

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SOURCE: THE PAPER // TRANSLATED BY: FAYE WONG FUZAO

#2020

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