#but the song has been torturing my mind for ~2 months...

[zu-is-here]

[4/15] Happy birthday, Ink! ٩( ᐛ )و♪

Ink by comyet

Song: Eve – Outsider [LKing English cover]

[macking-cheese]

Transformers: Earthspark brainworms rn

What if Bee got put under Mandroid's control? GAH ITS EATING ME UP THINKING ABOUT IT

inspired by asimp4bee's (I think I spelled that right) art I saw with the same theory, and the song Control by Halsey

This also includes Breakbee! Ig it's like a situationship but actually they're terrible at feelings and Bee is like “am I not enough for him” and when shit goes down later Breakdown is like “damn I gotta step up fr” (this is probably a terrible explanation and for that I am sorry)

Also this accidentally became an exploration of Jawbreaker and Bee's relationship (AS SIBLINGS!!! I just think that in a way they complement each other and I wanna explore it) (It's probably me just projecting my neurodiversity onto them tbh)

This is like really bee-centric, more than I originally intended for it to be. I wanted it to gauge the terrans’ reactions to losing their brother/mom#2 (this is an inside joke pls don't flame me for it), then it became me wanting that twink mentally obliterated (and studying the journey of healing through family support after the inevitable crash out)

So here's a little drabble? Of me fleshing out the introduction of my ideas a bit more so I have a basic outline of where to go with the fic I'm planning! This has some dark themes (TW: suicidal ideation, kidnapping, torture, violence, harming of children, crazy how most of this is canon typical)

Basically this is set right after the kids break Bee and co out of the G.H.O.S.T cells, he tries one last time to get Breakdown to join them, and is rejected. So Bee goes home with the kids, and after a bit, making sure they're okay and under supervision of their family, he goes back alone to try and get Breakdown to join him again, the first place he looks being back at the facility, hoping he might still be there, but he knew he wouldn't, it was his dumb optimism saying there might have still been a chance.

Of course heading back there first was a bad idea. Probably the shittiest call he could make. He immediately gets recaptured and those G.H.O.S.T fuckers torture him and demonstrate their new mind control technology, trying to break the bot mentally and turn him into a weapon for their own personal/military use. When the big battle happens, he's sent out and,,,,

The terrans are so happy to see him, they missed their brother figure (jokingly their mom#2) and could really use his help and possibly Breakdown's, if he succeeded in his mission, in the fight. He told them he was going back to try and get more recruits, he'd be gone for no longer than a day, but if it takes longer, not to worry. It's been two weeks. (Or however it happened canonically, idk. I haven't actually watched the show in a month so this original setup probably doesn't make sense, really just writing to write here)

But when they get a closer look, he seems so worn down and tired and small. Trying to appear angry and bitter and intimidating, but it looked so fake and they didn't know why he wasn't easing up upon seeing the terrans again, until they see that cold, emotionless white in his optics.

They can't believe it. He’s not wearing a G.H.O.S.T badge. Maybe he's playing an ill-timed prank.

“That's not funny, Bee”

“We need your help”

“You're scaring me”

“Please stop”

“Bee?”

They notice the flicker of blue and the horrid screech-click of a failing vocalizer. The way his body trembles and his arm plating shakes with the effort to keep it from transforming into his stinger.

A last-ditch effort on his end, he turns on his radio with a slurry of static.

“C-an't help thi-sssssssss- should be sk- scared -f me-!”

The terrans are a mix of horrified and worried. They know they should move, run away, some catch up fast enough and do that, having to drag others. Jawbreaker just can't. That's his favorite person, his confidant, his older brother.

“Back-back-ba-ckhss… up!” It was the only semblance of himself that he seemed to have somewhat control of, and he clung to it. The terrans needed to know he didn't mean anything he was going to do.

Jawbreaker did move, a few disbelieving steps away, not fast enough to dodge the hand landing on his chest to move him away, too harshly for anyone's comfort.

Bumblebee was tearing himself up to try and fight for control. It hurt, it hurt so much, he almost wanted to sink into that awful bliss the chip in his back offered. But he couldn't, those were his mentees, his kids. He'd kill himself if he ever brought harm to them.

He wondered if the chip would stop him if he tried now. Maybe he could fry his circuits if he kept pushing against the breaching walls of code. Maybe he could shoot himself or something.

With that thought his arm finally transformed and the kids booked it. He couldn't stop himself from aiming at them and landed a few painful shots. He begged for forgiveness as he lost himself, giving up and letting the parasite fully enter him.

All this for Breakdown, and he didn't even know if it was worth it to have gone back in the first place.

-----

There's so much more I have running around in my head and my notes for this! You're welcome to share any thoughts, and please disregard if this was structured oddly. I'm jumping in my seat right now with excitement and my thoughts are a bit scattered trying to get this out.

[nonexistent-introvert]

Hug Me

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Content: angst, fight, Joel being mean, guilt, heartbreak,

A/N: I really just wanted to write a fic based of the cover of this song done by BTS V and J-hope. I linked the original artist but there is a part where its J hope's rap so it wasn't included in the original song.

Update: I decided to link a SoundCloud link for the cover too!!

Part 2 !!!!

 Unable to win over my heart of sorrow

I endure yet another dark night of sleeplessness

Without a care about my despair

The morning heartlessly wakes me up

 The buzzing of Jackson was replaced with silence at this hour. The sounds of nature replaced the usual city buzz. You hated the silence, the bustle was the only thing that distracted you from your thoughts. While everyone is asleep, you lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Trying your best to push down the lump in your throat and silence the voices in your head. Every time you closed your eyes, the whole scene replays on a loop, reminding you of what had happened. Your heart clenched, constricting on itself. The tear streaks still shine in the moonlight. 

   You don’t think you got a single night of sleep since your fight with Joel. If you were lucky, maybe you would get naps and the times when you had just collapsed because of sheer exhaustion. It was lucky that you always collapsed when you returned home. You didn’t want anyone realising how much despair you were in, you didn’t need the concern. 

   When the voices stopped, a bright light has already shone into your room. The silence was now filled with various greetings and laughs. Many people waking up early for patrol or to provide and contribute their services to Jackson. You stood up, exhaustion weighing your body down. You tried to ignore the reflections of yourself, you doubted you looked well at all. 

  It was heartless, wasn’t it? How time still passed indifferently despite the pain you were in. 

The scars hurt more than I expected

The pain goes deeper than I expected

The countless nights I spend resenting you

Are like hell to me

  You catch passing glances at Joel, he always seemed preoccupied with some kind of work. You tore your eyes away from him anyways while your heart ached longingly for him. His porch was empty at night, he used to strum his guitar there, hoping that the melodies would bring you to him. 

  You rid the thoughts of him, you really should stop thinking about him. Your heart clenched at the thought, as though it protested against you. The logical part of you urges you to just move on with your life, go back to the life before you filled your days with Joel’s company. Then there was your heart which ached constantly for Joel, and yet, it refuses to let go of him. 

  What was wrong with you? It has been almost a month since the both of you fought. Joel looked like he moved on fine so why were you the only one who was suffering? 

   You hated Joel Miller. You hated him for the pain he had put you through. You hated him for how easily he moved on, as though you hadn’t meant a single thing to him. Your logical mind listed every single one of Joel’s faults and flaws. However, your heart simply yearned for Joel, reminding you of the times you spent with him. When he made you the happiest you have ever been. When he gave you that boyish smile, when he laughed at one of your remarks when he teases you with his iconic drawl.

  When he had muttered to you the words he never had the courage to say while you’re awake.

  “You mean so much more to me than you’ll ever know darlin’” 

  The tears flowed again, just like every other night. It was like your own personal torture. 

 Stay by my side, stay with me

Don’t let go of my hand you hold

If you take one step away

I can just take one step closer

  “Joel please!” You begged, holding onto his hand. There was a split moment in time where Joel hesitated and his gaze softened ever so slightly. Joel wrung his hand out from your grip, turning away from you as he ran his hands through his hair. You took a step closer to him, “I’m sorry.” You uttered. “I need some time.” And Joel slammed the door behind him

Thousands of times a day

My thoughts come back to you

All the cruel words you said to me

That icy look, those cold expressions

   You blasted the music that was playing in your ears. Trying to drown out the words that he had said that day. You distracted yourself with the lyrics of the song, hoping that it would stop the scene from replaying in your head. You were never seen without your earphones after that day, because when your mind was allowed to wander, it would wander back to him. The music helps to reduce how vivid the memory was. 

   “There is no ‘us’. There was never an ‘us’ and there will not be.” Joel gritted out. Your fists shook uncontrollably beside you. When you finally found the courage to look up at him, the look in his eyes was unrecognisable. It was a look he gave to enemies, a cold glare void of any warmth, so unlike the looks he always gave you. He was no longer the Joel who called you darling then, he was Joel Miller, the man who murdered the fireflies in cold blood and destroyed any chances of a cure. 

  You shivered at the memory, your breath hastened considerably. 

You were such a pretty person

You were such a pretty person

Please don’t do this to me

You know me well

   In this apocalypse, no one trusted each other. Even in Jackson, trust takes time to build, you had to earn your place here by helping out. Joel Miller was reliable, polite, and reasonable, being Tommy’s brother also helped him easily earn the trust of many. However, you don’t remember the day you decided to trust him with everything you had. Maybe it was the countless times he had saved you from close calls during patrols. 

  It was definitely the times he had spent slowly warming up to you. When he had mentioned to you what Ellie was up to during patrol when he came up to you and asked you all about the lore of Savage Starlight. Those were the times when you slowly gave your heart to him, bit by bit, till it wasn’t yours anymore. 

   His good looks were hardened by the apocalypse, but when he let the traces of a smile show and let out a laugh or wheeze, you knew you fell for him even more. So when he slammed the door on you that day and walked out of your life like he never meant anything, your heart shattered into a thousand pieces. 

  The glimpse of a pained look on his face showed that he knew that your heart shattered at his words. Knew that his actions were enough to leave a bleeding heart behind. Joel Miller knew you too well. 

  And that was why, it had hurt so much. 

Those words you said lightly at the time

Made light our relationship in the end

I didn’t know familiarity was the scariest thing

I didn’t know your heart, until our end full of regrets

By the day, your empty spot grows bigger

   Perhaps it was your fault that you decided to try to walk on the tightrope that was yours and Joel’s relationship. The both of you tethered on the line of friends, as though the both of you were testing the limits of it. You should have known that when you went beyond the line, you would walk on the tightrope, never sure if Joel would catch you when you did fall from the tightrope. From your situation now, you know that he didn’t catch you, he was never prepared to catch you. 

  The months you had spent with him, the time you had spent laughing and talking to him under the stars, the nights you had spent in his arms. It all felt like a long dream as soon as the weight of his words comprehended in your mind. 

  “There is no ‘us’, there never was and there never will.” 

  “We should have never met.”

   You chuckle sadly at yourself now, you had even once thought of what it will be like being his wife. Just like how Maria is Tommy’s wife. It seemed like a childish dream now. The scariest part of it all was how you thought you knew him like the palm of your hand, you trusted him enough to not hurt you and walk out so heartlessly, that he would at least have had the decency to let you down slowly. It took everything falling apart, it took regrets pilling on one another to know Joel Miller truly.   No matter what, the place Joel had left vacant in your heart only seems to grow bigger by the day.

 Even if we water our flower bed that was once beautiful

Only our memories remain in full bloom

Only the scent of longing wafts out

   Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it simply numbs the pain that comes from the wounds. When you stare at Joel as he passes you, you couldn’t help the sad smile that forms on your lips. Mourning for the one who got away, what could have been a fairytale. As you watched him lift a bunch of fresh supplies for Jackson, your heart ached numbly in your heart. Even if you did give him and you a chance again, the fight and the trust that was lost between you in this period of time would forever hinder the relationship. You knew Joel and you would never go back to how you were back then, you were thankful that at least the happiness was contained in happy memories that you could look back on. On those days when you reminisce your memories with him and contemplate fixing things between the both of you, you could only remind yourself of the cold truth. However, you couldn’t stop your heart from yearning for him. 

If I can just see you again

I want to show you my everything

I’ll hug you and hold you tight

So you can read my beating heart

For real, for real

Until this truth rests in your embrace

   Joel sat down in his favourite chair with a grunt. The cold silence that greeted him in his home was not something that he looked forward to. He sighed, listening to one of his records play, letting the music accompany him instead. So he does not feel that alone. 

  “She left today. Not sure what she’s up to but she did make some joke of coming back if she doesn’t die.” Tommy casually told Joel over patrol. Joel’s heart stopped for a moment, asking for more details but it seems like you deliberately didn’t leave much. Joel bit back on his tongue, he had no right asking about you, not when he treated you like that. 

   The guilt haunted him every day since he walked out of your house that day. His pride not letting him go and apologise to you, and because he also thought that you would be better off without him. You deserved better than an old grumpy man like him. 

   But knowing that he couldn’t even see you around town now, unable to know if you are okay killed him internally. Joel could only blame himself for letting you go. Then he slowly got selfish, till the point where if he saw you again, he would plead every day for your forgiveness and hope that you would give him another chance. He will hold you in his arms, letting you hear his heartbeat, how it skips when he’s near you, how it paces when he sees you. His heartbeat will tell you the words he never got to tell you. Until you finally realize how much you mean to him and that he will forever blame himself for letting you go.

  Just hug me, please hug me

Just run to me without a word

 Joel wishes you would run into his arms again like you always did. You would call out his name and run towards him with a big grin. He will extend his arms out and welcome you into his arms. If the both of you were alone, you would even wrap your legs around him. Then he could let his heart skip a few beats at the sound of your giggles before you nuzzle your nose into his neck. Maybe after you came back from the trip you were on, you would run into his arms again, and he will welcome you like nothing has ever changed. 

With a lonely and anxious heart

Like this I wait for you

  For the first time since that day he fought with you, Joel picked up his guitar and sat on his porch again. He strummed melodies that he knew you would hum to, that you would start walking in beat to. Then you’ll dramatically sing out the lyrics when you see him, like you were a Disney princess in a Disney musical. He chuckles at the memory. Joel Miller will wait for you to come back to him. His music expresses his love for you, hoping that one day you’ll notice it. 

He will talk to the moon about how much he loves you and hope that you’ll forgive him. His lonely heart anxiously awaits the day he will receive the message that you were back in Jackson and he had a chance to make things right with you. 

   His foolish and weak heart wishes that the moon would help convey his love and intentions to you. Joel hopes that you were talking to the moon too. After all, the only thing he had in common with you now was the sky above you from wherever you stood now. 

 I love you, I love you

I’ll shout out from this long silence

My foolish and weak heart

[fantasyheroine]

Written in the Star - Chapter 2

Pairings: Astarion x Tav

Rating: Explicit

Summary: For months Astarion and Tav have been growing closer and both of them would consider the other a good friend at this point. But is friendship really what either of them truly want? One night has the potential to change their relationship forever. Will the two of them be able to overcome the hurdles a new romance throws their way while they navigate the impending threat of the Netherbrain? Or will past trauma's come back to haunt them permanently? Get swept up in this whirlwind of passion, love, and fear as the characters of Baldur's Gate 3 take on the Cult of the Absolute.

Playlist for the fic

Read on AO3

Beta Read By: @thespookypumpkinwitch

Banner Created By: @rahuratna

Tag List: @rahuratna

Previous - Next

Chapter 2: A Delicate Dance for Control

Word Count: 7,645

Warnings: Angst. Slight predator/prey dynamics. Forearm kink if you squint.

Song: Santana - The Game of Love

A/N: A message from my beta reader - "This is gonna be a rough one bois."

As the shooting star disappeared beyond the horizon, Tav made a similar wish, mouthing the words to her heart's desire. Neither one of them spoke. The gravity of the situation they now found themselves in proving to be better sorted through in silence. Was this the end? Would she have to go into the next day without him by her side? Her eyelashes fluttered shut and she sent up a silent prayer to whatever Gods were listening that they would be ok. When she opened her eyes again the sky was even darker than it had been before. Clouds were floating over and around the moon. The air was heavy with tension and it was almost as if the heavens were holding their breath, influencing the suffocating blackness surrounding her and Astarion. What would become of the tortured vampire and the haunted ranger, their voices whispered. Tav listened to the hushed wind and watched as the stars twinkled then slowly faded. Soon the horizon took on an indigo blue before morphing to streaking hues of pink and orange. She turned her head to look at the man next to her. His pale face was full of the color scattering the sky. His sharp red eyes looked like glittering rubies. Even through the stoicism that graced his features, he was absolutely breathtaking. Astarion didn’t speak, didn’t so much as move. She sighed. *Fine. If he doesn’t want to talk about it then I might as well go.* She took one more moment to watch the now rising sun flit over his visage before moving to her feet and walking away.

Astarion felt her eyes tracing over his face. He wanted to turn and look at her in return, but fear kept his body firmly in place. Looking meant acknowledging. It meant accepting. His pointed ears caught the sound of the earth shifting beneath her as she stood, and unlike before, he didn’t stop her departure. There was too much going on in his head. Too much going on in his body. His entire center of mass felt like lead sinking in the Sea of Swords. Heavy and slow. At the same time his mind was rapidly drowning. Waves upon waves of intense emotion pulling him further under. The building pressure in his ears truly made it feel like he was deep below the surface of the ocean. His chest was still. He had stopped breathing ages ago, the mundane motion no longer a concern to try and maintain. Frenzied thoughts swirled in a vicious cycle. She wanted him… Not his body. Not the pleasure he could provide. She wanted it to mean something… *Mean what?* He had no idea what a relationship with her could possibly entail. All he had ever been good for was sex. Mindless, meaningless, sex. The idea that someone could value him for something other than that…? It wasn’t something he was willing to consider at this time. Seconds stretched to minutes, and as his body lay prone upon the dirt, all around him the campsite started to come to life. He closed his eyes with a groan. He couldn’t face any of them today. The feelings overwhelming him were too raw; and the thought of having to interact with Tav again? He didn’t think he’d be able to keep his mask in place anymore if he saw her. So in his typical fashion, he silently got to his feet and stalked out of camp.

Her feet carried her to her private tent and Tav collapsed onto her bedroll when she finally made it all the way inside. She buried her face into her flat pillow and quietly screamed. How had everything gone so wrong!? All she had wanted was one night with him where she could pretend they were something more. One night to feed her hopeless fantasies of a future with him, and she had gone and fucked it up! She was sure he hated her now. In their relatively short time together, Tav had observed that emotional vulnerability was not Astarion’s strong suit. Most often, when faced with an emotionally intense situation, he brushed off any attempts at a serious conversation with sarcasm and condescending humor. At the worst of times he would just up and leave for hours on end making Tav worry he wouldn’t come back. Considering they hadn’t spoken a word to each other the whole night, Tav was fairly certain he wouldn’t be in camp when she mustered up the courage to leave her tent again.

She kept her face hidden away in the feather stuffed sack. How could she have been so stupid!? He had made it obvious over and over again that all he was interested in was a bit of physical release. At least that is what he had said. She had frequently found herself wondering how genuine his offers of sex were considering how he seemed to think he owed her something for feeding him. This was one of the many reasons she had never pursued anything beyond friendship. Until last night. Hells, what a huge fucking mistake that was. She should have just fed him. Offered up restarting their arrangement and not tried to add anything else to its meaning. Trying to seduce him just landed her into spilling her feelings. *Damn my stupid mouth! Why can’t I just keep it shut!?* But honesty had always been one of her weak points. When it came to people she cared about she never could seem to just make herself lie.

Tav wanted to cry but tears just wouldn’t come. And so, she let despair morph into anger. She bit into her pillow with enough force to make her jaw ache. The cotton fabric dried her mouth of all moisture and for a second her mind focused on that. All too soon though it was back to reliving the night before and she screamed again. The action wasn’t much; and Tav knew she would have to do something else today to quell the rising rage she felt bubbling underneath the surface of her sand colored skin. She rose, wiping at the spit dribbling down her chin, and pulled on her scale mail armor before grabbing her enchanted bow and a quiver of arrows. She took a moment to make sure she didn’t look like her whole world was falling apart, then ducked through the flap of her tent. Immediately upon her first steps into the now much higher sun, Karlach came bounding up to her. The sound of the Tiefling woman’s cheery voice grated her nerves and Tav had to repress a snarl.

“Hey Soldier! What’s on the docket for today?”

She didn’t even glance at her best friend as she spit out her response, holding back most of the malice she felt.

“Nothing. Entertain yourselves.”

The barbarian’s expression shifted to one of confusion and concern. Tav never snapped at her. Even on her worst days, Tav had never been so cold. Karlach took in the way the elf wrinkled her nose and bared her teeth as she spoke. That was definitely concerning to say the least. She looked like a trapped animal about to lash out. The woman put up her hands in surrender. Clearly whatever had Tav in this mood was not currently up for discussion.

 Tav gave Karlach a final glare then stormed out of camp, but not without noticing a certain high elf’s absence. She didn’t have the energy to try and stealth her way through Last Light to avoid people, instead opting to give whoever approached her the same cold tone she had used with Karlach. Enough iciness and people got the picture that she didn’t want to be bothered. Eventually she made it out of Harper territory and felt herself breathe again. If anyone had dared ask her, she would have blamed her sudden anger on Astarion, but if she was being honest, the only person Tav felt anger towards was herself. She had made a critical error in her relationship with the rogue and now faced the risk of losing his friendship if she didn’t lose him altogether. She pushed those thoughts out of her mind and focused instead on finding a suitable location for target practice. As she walked, she noticed that the land around her was slowly healing as it recovered from the effects of the shadow-curse. The shadows still hung heavy in the air, but she could see the effects of new growth taking place. Little sprouts of leaves grew from the gnarled bark of twisted trees. Patches of green grass cropped up from dry cracked earth. Bushes were blooming with new buds and the signature scent of Thaniel’s lavender fields could be smelled. Most prominently, she noticed, the shining sun could now be seen overhead.

It was comforting to see the broken land fixing itself. Tav had always felt a special connection with nature and seeing a place with no life whatsoever had been unsettling. When Halsin had asked her to help him cure this place, she had not hesitated in providing him everything she could. The battle defending the portal as the Archdruid rescued the little fey boy that protected all life here was not one she thought she would forget any time soon. Hundreds of shadow-cursed beings had swarmed their party as they fought to keep the portal open. She recalled how she and Astarion had fought back to back when they had each respectively run out of arrows to fire from a distance. Never before had she felt such trust in another being. To full heartedly believe that he would not let her die as she protected him with her life in return. It had left her with a sense of connection she had only previously found among animals. Tav shook her head. She was thinking about him again. She had wanted to stop thinking about him.

Her hand ran slender fingers through her messy, high ponytail. More copper brown hairs came loose at the motion and she blew a puff of air at one sticking to her forehead. The wavy strand floated up then settled back into its place. She sighed. *I don’t think I’ve ever sighed so much in less than twenty four hours before.* Damn that sassy vampire. It was like thinking about him was her new vice. *I’d much prefer alcoholism.* As she continued her endless thinking, her feet carried her to a thicket of contorted forestry and she took a deep breath as she dropped her quiver. She looked at the space. *This will do, I suppose.* Steadily she glanced around at the towering trunks of bark and visually marked out her targets. Twenty marks for twenty arrows. She stooped and strung the first shaft. As she righted herself she let the fletching fly and it wooshed through the air in a perfect arc before lodging itself deep into the flesh of the nearest tree. Quick as lightning, Tav had another arrow knocked and soon that one too was arching through the slightly chilled air. One after one, she launched a barrage of the pointed projectiles at each location she had mapped. 

As she shot, her feet twirled her around in a practiced dance. Step, turn, shoot. Step, spin, shoot. Her movements were lithe and agile, and soon she found herself reaching for an empty quiver. She sighed for the thousandth time, not feeling any better than she had previously, and went to retrieve the arrows that now stuck out at all angles from the previously dead trees around her. She placed the weaponry back into her quiver and then began her dance again, this time aiming for more difficult targets. Step, turn, shoot. Spin, step, shoot. Once again, all too soon, she found herself empty handed. Not a single arrow released had missed their mark and Tav upped the difficulty yet again as she started over for the second time. A thunderous melody flowed into her mind and she synced her movements with the silent beat. Step, pivot, step, shoot. Spin, backstep, flip, shoot. Her body moved with the wind like it was made of nothing but a sweet smelling air. Her fingers curled around the last arrow and she locked her eyes onto a barely budding leaf growing on the tree farthest from her. She let go and without even grazing the branch below, the sharp tip of the missile pierced right in the center of the tiny foliage.

A tiny weight lifted from her shoulders at the sight of the perfect shot. It always felt good to hone her skill. Even better when she conquered a difficult target. She collected her arrows again, spending a decent amount of time searching the dead bramble bushes for the one that had soared through the baby greenery. She pricked her finger on a thorn and swore. 

“Gods above! It’s like nature itself wants me in a bad mood today.”

Her expression soured, her face going back to the frown she had been wearing all morning. She made a silent promise to the bush that she would be back with an axe to chop it into tinder. It took a few minutes longer to locate the stray projectile but with it finally collected, Tav returned to her deadly display of marksmanship.

Astarion wandered far far away from camp. He passed by dozens of rotten houses and hundreds of fallen corpses. Some bodies still emitted remnants of the shadow-curse but luckily none came to life like they used to. It was hard to keep track of where he was going, his vision was currently clouded with images of Tav. Every interaction he had ever had with her dashed its way through his sight. Their first meeting. His first feeding. More and more memories came rushing to the surface and he felt like he was choking. He could smell her. He could taste her. He could feel her hand brushing ever so softly against his. His body convulsed and he had to stop walking. *Calm yourself Astarion. Focus on something other than her.* He listened to the wilderness around him. A faint musical laugh swirled around his head. *No! Not her. Don’t focus on her!* He tried listening again and heard his stomach growl. The sound killed the laughter in the wind. *Good. Hunting will be an excellent distraction.* He prowled through the trees around him keeping his senses sharp and alert. He had only been able to drink a miniscule amount of blood from Tav the night before, so that painful pang in his abdomen hadn’t really gone away. 

Despite his best efforts, his venatics came up short. The lands had not been cured long enough for any wildlife to be traipsing through them. He resolved himself to being hungry for weeks longer. No way was he asking Tav for another nibble. He doubted she’d even agree if he did. He had fucked up, after all. And a person’s forgiveness only extended so far. There were no qualms in his mind that his ‘get out of jail free’ cards had been thoroughly used up by this point. It’s not like he had always been the kindest to Tav. Those early weeks of travelling together he’d been defensive and dismissive. Any time she’d make a decision, he’d have some sort of negative comment to add in. He’d frequently berate her for her continued altruism and condescendingly diminish each act of kindness she displayed. Why she ever put up with him during those days was a question he’d been asking himself for ages. As he thought it all over though, he couldn’t recall a single instance where she had ever scolded him for his endless griping. The others had, of course. Their vocal displeasure of his attitudes, a constant sound which he had learned to ignore. But Tav… She would stand by him when everyone would complain. Make peace with them through the use of clever humor until they all had forgotten why they were upset with him. She’d just give him a smile and a knowing wink once their backs were turned before continuing in whatever she had been doing. 

It confused him to no end. He knew he’d been a difficult bastard back then. And he absolutely did not deserve her grace and patience. Yet, no matter how infuriating he could be, she never stopped giving it. That fact was truly perplexing, challenging everything he thought he knew about the world. In the entirety of his long life he’d learned that people never gave freely. Everything came with a price. But never once had she asked for anything in return. Even when she had started feeding him. There had been no transaction on her end, just a genuine desire to help him. At first he thought she simply gave him her blood to make sure he was in tip top shape for battle. It was no secret that he functioned better on a full stomach. But then she’d offered to keep feeding him, one week, when no fighting had occurred in days and that theory had flown out the window. That was roughly when he had decided that he’d finally propose sex to her; a form of repayment in sorts, that aided in his ultimate goal of securing her protection. For weeks prior he had been working on building her trust in him. She seemed to find amusement in his sass and sarcasm, so he’d used that to his advantage when he would try and charm her. His flirtations took on a more teasing tone rather than pure seduction and he figured that after all the build up he’d been doing, she’d cave instantly when he propositioned her. She hadn’t.

It had taken him completely by surprise, her stern refusal when he had offered to take her somewhere quiet and intimate. She had told him he didn’t owe her anything for feeding him but if he wanted to spend time with her more privately they could chat by the fire that night when everyone else had gone to sleep. He recalled that he had felt offended at the time. Like her rejection meant he was losing his edge. He’d spent the rest of the day in a huffy fit of discontentment. She had waited for him though, just like she said she would, her small frame illuminated by the roaring flames once their companions had returned to their respective tents. He’d found himself joining her in the end, even though he promised himself he wouldn’t, and they had had a wonderful conversation. From then on, every night when the others would turn in, she would stay up waiting for him by the fire. Most of the time he joined her; sometimes he didn’t. She kept the invitation open regardless of what he decided. He learned a lot about her in those personalized talks. Like how she’d been a ranger nearly her whole life and at one point in time had even worshiped Silvanus. Her favorite color was the shade of brand new leaves budding in spring and her best friend of all time had been a wily fox that had a penchant for stealing her left boot. 

In return, he’d shared a bit about himself. He’d told her about his slavery and how being abducted by Mindflayers was maybe one of the best things that could have happened to him, as it had granted him the freedom he now possessed. He spoke on how there wasn’t much he could remember about his life before being turned and how he hadn’t seen his own face in two hundred years. He could still hear the gentle way in which she had proceeded to describe his features to him with that revelation. She saw him in the best of lights it seemed and pointed out things he’d never even realized about himself. Like the way one of his fangs peeked out when he smirked and how his forehead would wrinkle when he’d raise an eyebrow. He’d scoffed jokingly and scolded her for calling him old. “If the boot fits,” she’d said in reply. So much of those nights had been spent just laughing together.

He continued aimlessly roaming as his thoughts continued to reflect on the only person who he had ever truly trusted and had trusted him in kind. From day one there had been a sort of magnetism between him and Tav, he supposed. He had known he liked her the moment she’d headbutted him to escape his hold. It was a gutsy move to try and pull off when someone had a dagger held to your throat. And yet she had executed it flawlessly. Moving with a speed he thought only he possessed. It had impressed him. That confidence. It was something he’d been pretending to have for years. To encounter a person who oozed it so effortlessly… He had known then and there that she was special. His suspicions had been further confirmed the first time he saw her fight. The way she moved like battle was nothing but a dance. It had almost distracted him enough to get hit by the goblin he’d been fighting. She was always beautiful, but when she fought… Hells, it was like Loviatar, the death goddess herself, embodied her entirely making her equal parts breathtaking and deadly. It was no real shock thinking about it now, that Tav had received the goddess’ blessing back at the Goblin Camp. Astarion chuckled. What a funny memory that was. The day the party had snuck into the Shattered Sanctum through a blast hole on the upper floor and encountered the human Abdirak. Never in a million years would he have thought Tav would entertain the idea of participating in the man’s flagellation. But she had just laughed that melodic little laugh of hers and said “Try me.” 

That was another moment in which she had fully surprised him. She was like the most confounding puzzle at times. A true enigma of a lock obscuring the most sacred of jewels. He wanted so badly to pry her open and find out what made her tick. But the woman was elusive in nature, always lending a listening ear, but never once opening up about herself. He had tried again and again to get her to reveal her secrets on those private nights spent by the fire, but she always had some witty remark to counter his that took the thought right out of his mind. It honestly made him like her all the more. The way she could meet him pace for pace in sarcastic quips and bawdy flirtations. She brought a sense of fun to his newfound life that he couldn’t remember ever experiencing before… Without knowing it, a soft smile snuck it's way onto Astarion’s face. That single fang stuck out against his bottom lip, just like she’d described, and it glinted in the sun. He walked forward a few more paces before a rustling ahead of him caught his attention. The smile was immediately dropping from his face as he melded into the shadows. Near silent feet crept towards the noise and as he peeked his head out from behind a crooked tree, his eagle eyes spotted Tav twirling as she shot arrow after arrow.

He took a second to admire just how stunning she looked as she spun. Her long, wavy ponytail was whipping around as she moved from target to target. The reddish hues in the strands caught the mid-afternoon sun making it look like her hair was aflame. She was moving lightly on her feet, her heels barely touching the earth as she danced. He had seen professional ballerinas less graceful than her. His breath hitched as he watched her slowly bend backwards, one of her shapely legs coming up above her head as the other remained firmly planted on the ground. The back layout stepout was quick and the moment she was fully upside down is when she fired the bow with astounding accuracy. She landed on only her left leg and assumed a pose where her right leg was still extended into a point but her back was arched with arms out in front of her ready to shoot again. The whole thing had been unbelievably sexy. And that pose. That pose was doing things to him. His body stirred. What would that flip have looked like without her armor? He pictured her wearing something form fitting and lacey. Oh yes. She could do that move again but in a tight lacey corset and thong. He liked that thought quite a lot. She was still poised in the same position, supporting herself with that exquisite leg when he caught sight of the new missile knocked on her bow. *What the Hells?* He hadn’t even seen her draw another arrow. He wondered then if she was possibly quicker with her hands than he was. His body careened closer on instinct and the branch he had been leaning on as he ogled her snapped.

At the sound of a cracking twig, Tav whirled around and fired her knocked missile straight for the noise. She was no longer balancing in the elegant pose from before. Instead she had snapped stock still, body and bow drawn tight. Her eyes searched the forestry around her. Even though they had won the battle at Moonrise Towers, she was not naive enough to think that danger couldn’t still be lurking in the shadows. She made a quick assessment of escape routes, should she need them, and delicately fingered over the arrows she had left. Six. That was all that remained in her quiver. Cautiously she drew one of them out, stringing it in place. She moved a step closer to the location of the sound.

“I know you’re there. If you’re not dead, you will be soon.”

Astarion barely dodged the shot, his swift feet as a rogue the only thing preventing him from taking the hit to the chest. Tav’s face was hard and her eyes were darting back and forth. He realized suddenly that she couldn’t see him. He blended too well with his surroundings when hidden in the dark formed from the lowering sun. One glance at her redrawn bow, though, told him that despite her lack of sight, she could still sense where he was. After all, her previous arrow had almost hit him. It was remarkable really. She hadn’t seen him, but had somehow known exactly where to aim. Her voice startled him out of his musings and the words made him release a piercing laugh.

“Since when do you shoot first, ask questions later, darling? I thought you were the negotiator of our party. Surely an arrow to the chest is no way to start a conversation.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock as he came into view but it soon curled into irritation the second his imprudent voice reached her ears. The fucking audacity he had sneaking up on her like that! And he was acting like there was nothing wrong with doing so! *How long was he there? Watching silently from the shadows as I tried to forget about him!?* All the anger she had been feeling throughout the day came sweeping back into her mind at the thought and she growled.

“Well maybe if you didn’t sneak up on people, you wouldn’t get shot at! Or did that thought not occur to you?”

She had lowered her bow at the sight of him but hadn’t put it away yet. The question as to why poked at his mind for a second but he pushed it away. Astarion swaggered forwards some more, bringing himself fully into the small gap between the trees that Tav had been shooting in. He stopped a few paces short of her and chuckled. His bare, muscular forearms rippled as he crossed his arms against his chest, the sleeves he had folded up to his elbows straining at the new motion. A familiar smirk was adorning his face. Teasingly, he started playing their favorite game of cat and mouse.

“Please. It’s not like it’s my fault that I blend in with the dark. I’m a vampire aren’t I? It’s in my nature to creep and lurk. Besides I seem to recall the simple fact that you’ve always considered that part of me an asset."

Tav was still frowning, her annoyance growing by the minute. She had not been expecting to see him out here and wasn’t really fond of the fact that he had found her. After a night of not speaking to each other she had figured Astarion would have kept his distance. He hadn’t been interested in her then, so why was he engaging with her now? And even worse, he seemed to be completely ignoring everything that had happened between them. Defaulting back into the roles they had previously assumed, playful flirting but no action. It pissed her off to no extreme. What did he want from her? She didn’t tease back when she spoke next, her statement being one of frustration instead of puckishness.

“It’s different when you are doing it to me!”

Astarion didn’t pick up on the warning in her tone. Didn’t notice the way she was eyeing him with suspicion. How her mind seemed to be trying to decode some riddle he was telling her with his current actions. No. He didn’t pick up on any of it, too wrapped up in flirting with her like he did all the time. It was like the vampire was subconsciously trying to get back a sense of normalcy between them. One would have thought that spending the whole day reminiscing about his time with her would have given him ample opportunity to process the confession she had given him the night before. But it hadn’t. He’d barely thought on it since morning. Meaning that he hadn’t processed any of his feelings towards her or the fact that she seemed to have feelings for him without sex being the catalyst. And so, the usually very aware man did the opposite of what he likely should have been doing, instead going back to playing the version of the game of love he knew too well.

In contrast, Tav had processed her side of things. Shooting at trees all day had cleared her head enough for her to think about next steps. She had worked through the situation slowly, returning to practicing her marksmanship when thoughts became more overwhelming than she could handle. She had decided that she wanted to be with him however he chose to go forward with their relationship. If that meant being his friend, she would be the best friend he could possibly ever hope for. If he wanted someone to sleep with no strings attached, she would put out no matter how much it hurt her heart to do so. And if he wanted more… Well… She would love him the way the sun loved the moon… The way the ocean loved the shore… She’d give him everything she had in her to give, but one thing was clear. She would not go back to the way things were.

He tilted his head to the side cockily, his arms still flexing as he noncommittally observed Tav. He considered her statement. It was different when he was silently observing her? He could agree with that. When he watched her, his eyes weren't searching for weak points in armor to land a devastating blow. He wasn’t calculating odds and planning out moves, nor was he trying to memorize combat patterns. No. Watching her was indulgence. It was the way a man felt when flipping through a naughty booklet. Debauched and slightly forbidden. But it was more than that. It was an enjoyable pastime where he could catalog every little detail of her. Commit her essence to memory. He’d learned what preceded her charming smile this way. The exact right things to say to get her to give him her stunning laugh and shoot him a grin. He’d picked up on her quirks as well by watching her. Like the way her tongue stuck out when she focused or the bouncing her leg began when she felt anxious. But that wasn’t the point right now. They were playing a game, and it was his turn. He didn’t let his smirk falter as he quipped.

“Why? Don’t you like being stalked? I’ve always pegged you as the kinky type. Go on. Try to tell me I’m wrong.”

Tav bristled in fury. It seemed he wanted to insist on being difficult. She stormed up to him and poked a finger against his chest, her bow now carelessly discarded to the side as she tossed it away.

“You don’t get to peg me as anything!”

The place where her finger touched him made fire erupt in his veins, and all at once the feeling of her lips on his was back to the forefront of his mind. They had felt exactly how he’d imagined they would. Chapped but oh so soft. As the tension between them built, Astarion wished he could kiss them again. He risked a glance at Tav’s mouth. Her peachy orange top lip was curled into a snarl. Oh how he wanted to take that lip between his teeth and suck it back into a smile. Maybe he could entice her? After all, there was nothing better than an angry fuck. He dropped his voice into the seductive tone he’d used on countless people and looked into her eyes through hooded lids.

“Would you rather peg me, love?”

Her mouth dropped open in horror. Mmm. The things he could do with that pretty mouth. He used that thought to tease her some more.

“Oh sweetheart, don’t keep your mouth open like that. It’ll give me all sorts of ideas.”

Fury could no longer describe how Tav felt. She was beyond rage, beyond wrath. Every piece of her wanted to tear him to shreds. The Godsdamned nerve of this man! Eugh! The way he just pretended and never stopped pretending!!! She was sick of this dance! If he wanted something then he should just fucking ask for it! This tiptoeing around feelings that clearly existed on both sides!? It was driving her mad! She had to set things straight. Let him know that behaviours like this would no longer be tolerated without some form of action on his part. She steeled herself with rockhard firmness.

“No. You don’t get to be like this. You don’t get to say those kinds of things. You blew your opportunity for things to stay the same. I am NOT going to put up with this game any longer.”

All jest fell from his expression. It was now Astarion’s turn to be angry. It wasn’t like he was the one who had sought out more last night. He had been minding his own damn business when she had come and bothered him. And then to dump on him that she wanted a real relationship and not just sex! That wasn’t what he had offered her! And now here she was trying to make some declaration on how their relationship was to continue! She knew just how much choice mattered to him! For two hundred retched years he had been without the right to decide anything about his life! How dare she try and make the choice for him!? Cruel words came tumbling out before he could even think about holding them back.

“Excuse you! You’re the one who blew it! It’s not like I was the one who went and changed everything between us by confessing ill-founded feelings!”

He didn’t know why he said it. Minutes before he had thought they were ok, but the second she brought up the previous night? Something inside him had switched. It was like the thought of having to make a decision had cemented the barriers he had in place.

Tav reeled back from the blow, stumbling. Pain washed across her features, coating them in the worst expression he had ever seen her make. Stinging hot tears ran out of her eyes and she didn’t bother hiding them. How dare he? HOW DARE HE! He had absolutely no right to determine whether her feelings for him were ill-founded or not! Her voice cracked as she cussed him out. Nothing but pure heartache could be heard in her watery words.

“You fucking bastard. You Godsdamned piece of shit! You have no right!”

The second he saw her begin to cry that funny feeling in his chest came back with a vengeance. He turned away from her, taking a few steps to try and ground himself, then subtly lifted a hand to rub where he felt the sensation. His palm landed right where his undead heart lay caged in hard muscle. *What?* Why would he be feeling things there of all places? There’d been no life in his chest for centuries. No life would ever flourish there. He had accepted that fact a long time ago. But now… It hurt. It hurt so bloody bad. It almost felt like his still heart was breaking.

He didn’t have time to consider what the pain could mean because Tav was behind him, tugging hard at his shoulder to rip him back around. If he thought he could just walk away from this conversation, then he was sorely mistaken. She got in his face, shouting once more.

“What the hells do you think you’re doing!? You don’t get to just walk away! We are talking about this whether you like it or not!”

She spun his body around and all he could see were those tears. He wanted to reach up and wipe them away. To hold her to his chest as she cried and rock her body until her sobs subsided. He barely remembered that she was crying because of him. Her nose bumped his and his breath faltered. She was so close. So tantalizingly close. He could feel her hot breaths wafting against his lips. The desire to kiss her returned and his eyelashes fluttered as he was unconsciously leaning nearer. If only he could… A hard shove had him sobering up. She’d pushed him. How dare she push him! Her angry shouts came back to him and his anger flared up. She was making choices for him again.

“I can go where I damn well like! You’re not the boss of me! If I want to walk away from you, I have every right to do so! Or does my freedom of choice only exist when it’s convenient to you?”

Astarion saw the impact of his question immediately. Tav’s face had taken on pure, icy fire. He gulped. She had never made that expression before. It was like the shining light that lived inside of her was fully snuffed out. When she spoke next, the void of emotion in her voice had chills running down his spine. How her eyes could scream fury while her tone stayed devoid was likely the most terrifying thing he had encountered yet on this journey.

“Is it a fight you’re wanting, Astarion? Because I can provide one if you are.”

Tav sized him up with a measured look. He was still in his camp clothes and appeared completely unarmed. Meanwhile she was in full scale mail with a partially full quiver on her back. She assessed her chances of beating him in combat. He had her bested in height and sheer physicality but she had his fighting patterns memorized. Knew how and where he would strike before even he did. She figured her odds were fairly good.

His mouth gaped open. Was she challenging him to a duel? A full on fisticuffs? Had he really pissed her off that much? One look at her told him that yes, yes he had. She stalked closer to him, keeping her voice that same cold tone.

“Careful darling. Your open mouth is giving me all kinds of ideas.”

She used his words against him knowing that they would provoke. She was long past the point of caring about the damage they might do. She was going to rip him to pieces. Tear into him mind and body like the squids they were at war with. It was her default. Fight, lash out. She wore her anger like another set of armor and wielded it like a blade. It protected her from the intense hurt he had caused. She would make him feel her pain. And he would be sorry.

Her body language gave all the indicators that she was not going to back down. She was going to fight him. Brawl it out like Lae’zel and Shadowheart had back in the underdark. Well then. It wasn’t in his nature to back down once an altercation had been started so he puffed up his chest and gave her a sneer.

Tav was rushing him before he could properly prepare for what he’d gotten himself into. She targeted his knees, stooping low so that he couldn’t grab her as she tackled him to the ground. She used her hands to flip herself over him once he hit the dusty ground, whipping out an arrow as she twisted. She had the iron point pressed against his throat the second she landed behind his head. She bent down and whispered into his ear, low and with the same taunting she’d used moments before.

“Having trouble performing, handsome? I thought you could always get it up?”

Oh… So she wanted to play dirty. He could do that. In a flash of white, he bit down on the hand holding the arrow with his fangs. The metallic tang of blood hit his tongue. The strike had worked. She was jumping away from him with a yelp. He stood slowly, licking his lips at the tiny splash of crimson that still sat on them. He picked up the arrow she had dropped and tossed it to the side, out of her reach.

“What a naughty little pet you are. You had me convinced this would be an unarmed fight. For shame.”

Tav recovered quickly from his unexpected nip and as another malicious taunt she brought her injured hand to her mouth. She stuck out her tongue and made direct eye contact with him as she licked at the wound. Then she took the skin into her mouth and sucked. A strangled moan escaped him and as predicted his body went taught. She took the opportunity to start prowling around him. He spun in time with her slow circles, two hunters sizing up the next reaction of their prey. Tav reached where she had dropped her bow and in an astounding act of sleight of hand and speed, she had an arrow careening for him without even breaking her stride. He dodged. Another arrow came his way. He dodged again. Both of them knew she wasn’t really trying to hit him. No. This was a display of attempted dominance. Of fiery anger and hollow pain. A cry for control over a situation neither of them had anticipated. 

Astarion could feel all of the emotions rolling off of her. It was hard to keep watch with the weight of them. She had always been an open book, but this was like she was intentionally projecting them to cause harm. He knew the way he’d handled the previous night had hurt her, and that his disappearance this morning had likely given her all types of incorrect ideas. But he never considered that it was to this extent. He hadn’t even been wanting to hurt her again when he’d engaged with her after she’d detected him, he had just acted on instinct off of patterned behaviors developed over time. He had never apologized before. Didn’t know how. But in her current state, he had a sinking feeling that his words wouldn’t have mattered even if he did know how.

Her feet dragged grooves into the dirt as she hunted him in that crawlingly slow circle. She kept firing her bow until the last arrow had been shot. They both froze. He could beat her now. She was just as unarmed as he was. But this skirmish had nothing to do with causing bodily harm. It was the actions of a wounded girl begging the boy she loved to let her in. Would he trust her?

They stared at one another. Astarion could see the question plain as day on Tav’s face. Did he trust her? He had trusted her not to shoot him, that was for sure. And he supposed he trusted her to protect him in whatever battles came next. But did he trust her enough to let his walls down? To let her in…? Not yet. He still had so many things he had to sort through, and one day wasn’t nearly enough time to cover them all. He gave a tiny shake of his head. Not now, he tried to say. Confusion danced within her almond shaped eyes and he could tell how badly she was hurting. *Wait for me just a little bit longer Tav* He took a step closer to her but then reconsidered and stepped back. Not knowing what else to do he went back to the act that had kept him alive his whole life. The words he said didn’t really mean anything and they only served to confuse Tav further.

“Well as much as I love a good romp in the woods, I do believe it’s high time I take my leave. Don’t wait up for me darling.”

He gave her one final perceiving look, then turned on his heel and vanished back into the canopy of trees.

A/N: I just want to say that I put so much time and effort into cleverly naming these chapters and picking out just the right song that if anyone appreciates those parts I would love to hear it. I'll soak up the praise like a fucking sponge.

[w1thered-roses]

OK SO BRAINROT CONSUMED ME AND I WANNA TRY MAKING SOME PURELILY ANGST AU

Get ready for a long ass wall of text of my random rambles + sprite edit

Fallen king au(?): after the events of beast yeast eps 1-2, shadow milk wasn’t fully sealed away, instead part of him managed to reside in pure vanilla’s mind (don’t ask how this part even works just bare with me vro). Over the span of a few months shadow milk would mentally torture pure vanilla in an attempt to get him vulnerable enough to be able to control him, starting off as just simply annoying him but overtime becoming more and more horrible and traumatic. In the beginning vanilla would continuously resist against him, trying to stay strong and refuse to let shadow milk control him. This would happen around the same time lily was very mentally fragile after the events of beast yeast, elder faerie’s death AND her guilt of being DE, so at first she didnt really notice vanilla’s declining mental state, as he would mask it pretty well and was busy trying to help her. As lily got better vanilla simply just got worse and worse, the lack of sleep, how little hes been eating out of stress, and the horrible anxiety he had caused by shadow milk was taking a toll on him, as hed start to isolate himself and become more irritable and angry. Lily had started to suspect something was wrong with vanilla, as he isn’t like this at all, but when she’d question him and ask if he’s alright he’d either just lie and say everything was fine, push her and others away or just lash out a bit. Eventually shadow milk gave vanilla a choice, either 1: keep resisting and shadow milk would keep up the mental torture, or 2: give up and let shadow milk fully take over, that he would stop the torture and vanilla could finally be “free”. Vanilla just couldn’t take it anymore and decided to just stop resisting, letting the jester take over his mind and body, resulting in vanilla getting locked away within his own mind. Shadow milk having finally taken over takes a few days to regain the body’s physical strength and then causes havoc in the vanilla kingdom, later he goes to beast-yeast to cut down the silver tree. Lily chases after him, confronting him at the tree and they fight it out, she tries her hardest to talk her way through to him, trying to reach vanilla but to no avail, vanilla isn’t there anymore. She later has no choice but to seal him away, seal away her best friend, her best friend that was there for her, her best friend who she knew from their school days, and most painfully the one she fell in love with. She succeeds in sealing him away inside the tree, and as shes doing so she doesn’t see him as the evil beast he has become, instead she sees the little vanilla from their school days, she sees her very best friend, crying as he’s sealed away. Lily later on builds a shrine in beast-yeast in honor of him, to remember him, as she misses him dearly and regrets not doing anything while she could.

Mind you this was inspired from LULLABY FOR A PRINCESS out of all things (yes that one mlp fan song, shut up its good)

Plus here is a corrupted pv sprite edit, unsure what to name him, i was considering vanilla extract cookie but dunno, if yall got any name ideas pls tell me 😭😭😭

This au is still being developed so its bound to change but this is what i have so far!!! I rlly wanna keep working on this i just need to think. I wanna try writing a fic for funsies, im not rlly a writer tho so who knows!

Probably later ill post more things regarding this au since i have more stuff i wanna share! Bye bye for now :D

[huellitaa]

bee's record player, april edition 🎀𓂃 ࣪˖

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 INTRO

welcome back to the second issue of bee's record player, a monthly annual look into bee's music world and the latest from hers and your faves! enjoy! ♡

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 NEW ARRIVALS

minisode 3: tomorrow, tomorrow x together

♡ released april 1st, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: deja vu, quarter life

♡ running time: 17 minutes 2 seconds

midas touch, kiss of life

♡ released april 3rd, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 6 minutes 15 seconds

found heaven, conan gray

♡ released april 5th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: found heaven, alley rose, bourgeoiseses, never ending song, winner

♡ running time: 36 minutes 47 seconds

espresso, sabrina carpenter

♡ released april 12th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 2 minutes 55 seconds

dark vacay, cigarettes after sex

♡ released april 16th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 3 minutes 33 seconds

the tortured poets department: the anthology, taylor swift

♡ released april 19th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: fortnight, loml, fresh out the slammer, but daddy i love him, florida!!!

♡ running time: 2 hours 2 minutes

yuq1, yuqi

♡ released april 23rd, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: freak, drink it up, red rover

♡ running time: 19 minutes 19 seconds

bubble gum, newjeans

♡ released april 26th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 3 minutes 41 seconds

bewitched: the goddess edition, laufey

♡ released april 26th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: goddess, promise, dreamer, must be love, trouble, from the start

♡ running time: 1 hour 1 minute

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 BEE'S TRACKS: TOP 10

♡ 10. quarter life, tomorrow x together

THIS SONG IS EVERYTHING TO ME YOU DONT GET IT. YOU ACTUALLY DONT UNDWRSTAND YOUNWILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY INTENSE OVERWHELMING INDESCRIBABLE LOVE FOR THIS SONG. I LOVE IT SO MUCH

♡ 9. read your mind, sabrina carpenter

I CANT READ UR MIND🗣🗣shes so real for this whole song and its sUCH a vibe who allowed her to make this song and just give it to us. like. For Free. what the fuck. perfect

♡ 8. bring it on, fromis_9

this song is so girlypop ive been so obsessed???? fromis 9 are so underrated i swear like unlock my world has to be one of my favourite albums of all time ever. in love!

♡ 7. i'll see you there tomorrow, tomorrow x together

@bananacatmeow THERE'LL BE NO MORE SORROW I'LL SEE U THERE TMOROW 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥 self explanatory i fucking love this song so much actually

♡ 6. bad for business, sabrina carpenter

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT <3 its a little more recent thats why its only on number 6 but it reminds me of my princess and i just love it in general so this song is the loml. ONE OF MY FAV SABRINA SONGS EVERR I LOVE ITTTT <3

♡ 5. smart, le sserafim

yes this is on my top 10 again.... this song goes so hard im sorry idk what to tell u 😕

♡ 4. bad news, kiss of life

okay i wasnt actually expecting this to be on here but bad news has to be the best kiof song like ever honestly beats everything. the high notes give me life and this whole album is my chaotic girl anthem honestly

♡ 3. the killa, tomorrow x together

self explanatory. the tinnitus effect goes so hard on this song i cant explain i want to inject it into my blood genuinely the most ass shaking song released this year or like ever for that matter go txt slut era!!!

♡ 2. espresso, sabrina carpenter

my give a fucks are on vacationnnn 🎀 I FUCKING LOVE THIS SOBG OH MY GOSHHHHHH IVE BEEN SO OBSESSED ALL MONTH. SABRINA I LOVE U SO BAD THIS SONG IS MY EVERYTHING. AJJAJSJAJSJSSJJSJSDJNSNSNSNAJDJ

♡ 1. deja vu, tomorrow x together

no words. music video made me sob my heart out and this song touched me so deeply i cant even begin to explain. txt ilysm

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ALBUMS

♡ 1. emails i can't send, sabrina carpenter

we were all expecting this be honest 😭 i have quite literally NOT SHUT UP about this album the WHOLE MONTH and ive been so obsessed w sabrina its actually insane like this was so obvious actually 😭💓

♡ 2. minisode 3: tomorrow, tomorrow x together

once again self explanatory i had had such a bad breakdown like a few days before this came out and the deja vu mv made me cry so bad because of the sheer fact it resonated with me so much 😭 i love them so much and they did amazing AS ALWAYS txt never misses 💓💓💓

♡ 3. the tortured poets department, taylor swift

the way i actually really didnt like this album at first??? its grown on me so much though the lyric writing is IMMACULATE and i feel its more focused on lyrics and writing more than production this time unlike midnights, which was probably why it didnt instantly click with me straight away. comfort album

♡ 4. fake it flowers, beabadoobee

IM SO EXCITED FOR BEA3 YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. fake it flowers is like the loml i love fake it flowers more than i love my life fake it flowers is love fake it flowers is life everybody worship fake it flowers now

♡ 5. back to black, amy winehouse

I LOVE AMY WINEHOUSE SO MUCH RAHHH THE MOVIE AB HER CAME OUT THIS MONTH AND IVE BEEN RELISTENING TO BACK TO BLACK AND IM SO OBSESSED 😭😭😭💕💕💕

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ARTISTS

♡ TOMORROW X TOGETHER (woahh im so shocked ahahah i didnt expect this at all)

♡ SABRINA CARPENTER (woahhhh im so surprised ahahahaha)

♡ TAYLOR SWIFT (ttpd my love)

♡ BEABADOOBEE (YOSHIMI FOREST MAGDALENE 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️📢📢📢)

♡ TWICE (obviously.)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 SPECIAL MENTIONS

♡ coachella this month!!! le sserafim girls i love you so bad but this performance was NOT IT 😭 sabrina u were amazing though bb ily carried the whole show

♡ AND I DONT EVEN CARE IF IT MAKES ME SOUND INSANE I RAN MY FINGERS THROUFH YOUR HAIR AND I THANKED GOD TO TOUCH THE FLAME CUZ I SWORE NECKS WERE.MADE FOR BRUISING I SWORE LIPS WERE MADE FOR LIES AND I THOUGHT IF YOUD EVER LEAVE ME THAT ID BE THE REASON WHY

♡ im the biggest alley rose stan FIGHT ME.

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 EDITOR'S NOTE

thank you so much for reading this month's edition of bee's record player! i have so much fun writing these and rambling about my silly music and i hope you enjoy them too 💕 if there's anybody or anything you'd like me to mention, edit, or keep up with in these, then always feel free to tell me, im always open to new suggestions!

lots of love, and until next month! ♡

[youreputtingrootsinmydreamland]

fave 13 lyrics of 2024?

I love this question so much!!!!!!!!! 1.) a greater woman has faith / but even statues crumble if they're made to wait (taylor swift; the prophecy)

2.) no, I know, I know, fuck off / but I think I like her, she's so fun / wait, I think I hate her, I'm not that evolved (that’s so true; gracie abrams)

3.) I always knew I was a martyr and that Jesus was one too / but I was built from special pieces that I learned how to unscrew (lonely is the muse; halsey)

4.) I am built like a mother and a total machine / I feel for your every little issue / I know just what you mean (all-american bitch; olivia rodrigo)

5.) women, they will come and they will go / when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know (dreams; fleetwood mac)

6.) truth is, I love you more than I wanted to / there’s no point in trying to pretend (that’s all; genesis)

7.) did we unravel a long time ago? / is there too much we don't want to know? / I wish it was easy, but it isn't so (look at us now; daisy jones & the six)

8.) fuck that, sir, just let me call / I'll give you my blood alcohol / I'll rot with all the burnouts in the cell / I'll change my faith, I'll kiss the badge / let’s wait, I swear she'll call me back / "son, why do you do this to yourself?" (dial drunk; noah kahan)

9.) and if history's clear, the flames always end up in ashes / and what seemed like fate, give it ten months and you'll be past it / babylon lovers hangin' missed calls on the line / I gave you mine (us.; gracie abrams ft. taylor swift)

10.) does it feel alright to not know me? / I'm addicted to the 'if only' (I look in people’s windows; taylor swift)

11.) if we had a daughter, I'd watch and could not save her / the emotional torture, from the head of your high table / she’d do what you taught her, she'd meet the same cruel fate / so now I've gotta run, so I can undo this mistake (labour; paris paloma)

12.) you can’t, you can't catch me now / I'm comin' like a storm into your town / you can't, you can't catch me now / I'm higher than the hopes that you brought down (can’t catch me now; olivia rodrigo)

13.) so I did my best to lay to rest / all of the bodies that have ever been on my body / and in my mind, they sink into the swamp / is that a bad thing to say in a song? (florida!!!; taylor swift ft. florence and the machine)

honorable mention:

14.) I can't relate to desperation / my give-a-fucks are on vacation (espresso; sabrina carpenter)

there you are! ☺️ there’s probably (definitely) many more, but these were the ones that came to mind first & stood out the most!

I’m now nominating @miranova23 and @kelseyfitzherbert for this one because it was so fun.

[deesi-academia]

hey, I saw the anti swiftie post. If you're comfortable mag I know the reason why? I am kinda neutral about her but I feel like I should know stuff. I understand if you don't wanna answer this. Take care <3

(also I agree the swiftie fandom is kinda annoying lmao)

hello old old old anon ask I'm so sorry for replying so late but yeah hi 😭

I have tons of time on my hands for the next.... 30 minutes so let's get into it. I'll list a time line of my thought process to how I came to the 'ex-swiftie' conclusion:

1. She released a song called "renegade" which is good, but I found some lines problematic and unexpected, because I used to hold swift to a pedestal (guilty as charged).

The lines were 'is it insensitive of me to say get your shit together so I can love you' and 'is it really your anxiety stopping {something love something idk} or do you just not want to?' SOOOOO yeah these thew me off a little.

2. Her album Midnights came out which I ADORED, became my fav so quick. But then her multiple variations of vinyls etc threw me off again. This is when the Bad Feeling About Her started setting in.

3. Then she released the song 'You're losing me' which just BLARED red flags to me even though the song is actually good. It's the first time I think, where she hinted that she broke up with her bf (Joe Alwyn) because of his mental illness.

4. The ongoing carbon emissions controversy lol, and her buying carbon credits... like it just felt like a "hah I'm rich so I can do whatever wrongs i want and buy it out" moment. I really hated that, since I live in a pretty polluted city so it hit close to home.

5. She threatened to sue the teenager who published PUBLIC data about her flights. Bad.

6. The entire free palestine movement gained momentum and she stayed silent. She has her image as the American Princess and Activist Who Can Do No Wrong. Feminist Queen. Speaker For Those Who Can't Speak. Yada Yada.

I simply hated her billionaire self as she chose to stay silent (and still is). To call off the criticism she and her bestie Selena went to a live comedy show where the comedian donated his earnings for Gaza relief. LIKE. ??????? Basic billionaire below underground level of "donation"???? This had to be a joke. It was not.

I think this incident was the final straw for me where I realized I can't support her if she's such a human being. That's not what my morals stand for thank you very much.

7. I REALLY tried to separate the art from the artist but I couldn't. Not with my sane mind and strong ethics. AND THEN the entire Matty healy debacle. He's a misogynistic, racist, zionist, ugh of a person.

I don't think anyone can date someone with such drastic opposing values. So the Taylor-Matty era further tarnished her image in front of me.

8. Fast forward and she releases her new album The Tortured Poets Department. That's it this was my final straw. You can just Google and go on a reddit thread about how problematic this album is. I'll probably write a long ass essay on it. Anyway this is where I decided I'm done, back in April.

Since then I've just been trying to cope with losing my fav artist because of the person she turned out to me. And people say we shouldn't hold celebs to such high standards but bro. Taylor PROMOTES parasocial relationships. SHE held her image to that standard until recently. There's an entire documentary on Netflix about that - Miss Americana.

So yeah she let me down from the pedestal she put herself on. It's been 2+ months and I'm still coping, because I genuinely lost a very important part of my life - her music. It has got me through tough times and I have many good memories associated with those songs.

Anyway, here's to new artists to love ONLY for their music lol 🥂

[cherryblossomforest]

I've been dealing with my mother wound which if you don't already know feels like I'm on fire. Like a constant burn. It's torture, to say the least. Lately I've had to skip songs that have no connection to her at all but it still brings my mind back to her. It's like she's contagious, and just everywhere.

I can't do much about it because she can never be in my life and a lot of us, if not all of us know this. She's not nicknamed Satan for no reason. My family and friends know she can't be in my life and they'd be greatly concerned if she was back in my life. I just feel like I'm on fire.

I thought I forgot how we felt when we left almost 10 years ago. We ran. She was at work and we got family to secretly get all our things out of her house before she can't back. The absolute terror. My dad helped and I was so scared because she hated him and I was majorly betraying her for leaving let alone for allowing him back into her house without her knowing.

That whole period is blank. No memories. The safest place was my dad's home with DB and my brother. I was 17 and so scared. When my family asked why I left I said I couldn't do it anymore and EVERYONE said they understood.

Suddenly these feelings have been coming back. I think there are only 3 entries in my journal where we talk about missing her. About the pain of losing a mother or at least the pain of accepting she was never a mother. I was always waiting to leave. I was always dreaming of running away from her. I thought everyone would be mad at me when I left but what I didn't realise is 99% of people hate my mother. Her own siblings and everything. None of them like her. Hate her even.

Yet I'm here trying not to melt into a puddle of grief wishing she knew where I lived so she could find me. There weren't many good moments with her but I learned to love the bad. I learned to accept everything and walk on each and every eggshell. I learned her like the back of my hand and I gave her everything. I put myself in thousands of pounds of debt for her. I gave and gave and gave. I laid down my entire life just for her and she was killing me. I couldn't breathe. The more space I gave the more she took and by the end I was in too deep and I couldn't get out.

My dad spent months taking me home trying to convince me that I'd be safe without her. That I would be okay. He saw all the light in my eyes drain and he didn't even know what was going on.

Maybe it's the fact that I wasn't supposed to survive my 17th birthday but I did. I didn't die and I had no plans past that. So 2 months later I left full of fear.

Anyway this song has been the song that's been screaming my mother lately.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Well, that's all right because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? Well, that's all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now There's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe But I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right It's like I'm in flight High off her love Drunk from her hate It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love her the more I suffer I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown She resuscitates me She fuckin' hates me And I love it "Wait!" Where you going?" "I'm leaving you!" "No, you ain't! Come back!" We're runnin' right back Here we go again It's so insane 'cause when it's goin' good It's goin' great I'm Superman with the wind at his back She's Lois Lane But when it's bad It's awful I feel so ashamed I snapped Who's that dude? I don't even know his name I laid hands on her I'll never stoop so low again I guess I don't know my own strength *** Now I know we said things Did things that we didn't mean Then we fall back into the same patterns Same routine But your temper's just as bad as mine is You're the same as me When it comes to love You're just as blinded Baby, please come back It wasn't you, baby, it was me Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano All I know is I love you too much To walk away though Come inside Pick up your bags off the sidewalk Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault Look me in the eyeball Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall Next time? There will be no next time! I apologize even though I know it's lies I'm tired of the games I just want her back I know I'm a liar If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

[mana-sputachu]

I want to say all the questions, but:

I. 3, 4, 6

II. 1, 4, 14, 15

III. 2, 12, 15

IV. 2, 3, 9, 13

Hey nonny!

Are these for IoriChi or the OT3? Or both?

I'll go with IoriChi or the post will be ENDLESS, but if you want it for the OT3 too/whanted just them just let me know!

I. PRE-RELATIONSHIP

3 - Who felt romantic feelings first?

Theirs has been a slowburn, but I'd say Iori, despite trying his best to NOT falling for her, since he had been already burned by previous relationships.

4 - Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

As said earlier, Iori tried to resist because his previous relationship ended up badly for different reasons (his first fianceé, picked by his clan, had died trying to stop him from going Riot for the first time and clan members didn't warn her; despite all that, Iori ended up having a few flings in high school, included his first boyfriend, but their relationship wasn't the healthiest). Also, the fear of going Riot on the people he loves is always there, in the back of his mind, torturing him.

6 - What was their "flirting stage" like?

There wasn't acutal "flirting", not in the way one would think, at least. They mostly started to care for each other since the beginning, starting from very "common courtesy" things to realcare: Chizuru stumbled upon Iori after his girlfriend died, and kept him company because she didn't want him to be alone in such a horrible moment; Iori then did the same for her when Maki died, showing up at the funeral and let Chizuru cry and scream and let all her pain out. After that, Iori started visiting the Kagura Shrine often, at first just to check on her, only to find himself more at ease with her as the time passed; Chizuru enjoyed his company and appreciated that he started to lower his defenses around her, showing sides of his personality he would usually keep behind a wall.

II. GENERAL

1 - Who initiated the relationship, and how did they go about it?

None of them, technically. They had developed the habit of spending time together just talking, hanging around, enjoy each other's company and also scouring Chizuru's family archive in the hope to find clues about the Orochi curse. And one night, thanks to a couple beers, they just kissed. When I wrote my first English fic about them I wrote this moment from Iori's PoV so it would be easy to say he felt the need to kiss her… but I think Chizuru had the same idea or else she would have refused, lol.

4 - Were they each other's first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

No. Iori had a fianceé picked by his father and clan who died because of the Riot of Blood (Iori still feels responsible for it, despite not being himself during it and the clan not stepping up and trying to stop him), and his first boyfriend when he was 17 in highschool (but as said it wasn't a great relationship, and left him a bit wary of relationships with men), plus some other minor flings. Chizuru also had a few flirts but nothing that lasted more than a few months: I've explained it better in this post but long story short, not only she's busy running the Shrine and the Kagura Enterprise, but also Japanese men like quiet women who obey their desires, and… well, Chizuru isn't anything like that. She's a fighter, her fights are broadcasted live during the Tournament every year, as well as her keeping Firebois in their place. Something the average Japanese man wouldn't like in a woman at all.

14 - What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

Dreams - The Cranberries

And now I tell you opendly/You have my heart so don't hurt me

This line here yells Iori so much, imho. And we'll ignore the fact that I used it for other ships of mine, not my fault I'm attracted by the tragic disasters

15 - What is their most common argument about?

The Orochi Curse. Iori is pretty much resigned to die within his 30th birthday (despite still being terrified of dying), while Chizuru is determined to find a solution for it (and in one of my fanfics, she did). So they often argues about scouring the archives of her family hoping to find a solution, and doing the same in the Yagami/Yasakani archives since Iori refuses to go back home just for this (but since in my verses he has a twin sister, Chizuru asks her to bring some documents everytime she comes to see her brother). Even worse when the idea of asking the Kusanagi to see their archives: Chizuru is sure Saisyu would accept, but Iori refuses still hiding behind the feud and also because of Kyo (who would complain because KYO).

Minor arguments are usually about Chizuru's love for spicy food, because it happened that she didn't brushed her teeth after a meal, and when she kissed him not only on his lips Iori didn't appreciate the sensation XD

III. LOVE

2 - What are their primary love languages?

Mostly small gestures, and look out for each other: during the Years Chizuru learned Iori always finds himself at ease when he's at the estate and around her, thanks to her Yata powers keeping Orochi sealed, so she lets him falling asleep and take naps at her place knowing he'll finally have a good rest without nightmares; she would usually hug him and brush his hair until he's fully relaxed.

Iori on the other hand loves to cook, so he's always the one cooking meals when they're together, keeping in mind what she likes more and stocking on her favorite spicy snacks and spices. He's also in generally very protective.

12 - Who remembers the little things?

Both, mostly because being both rich picking gifts for each other is a challenge (they can easily buy any pricey stuff they want/need), but it's mostly Iori's love language: he despises the spicy food Chizuru adores, but always stocks on spices, spicy noodles and everything she might enjoy for when she sleeps at his place (or to buy if he spends the night at her estate, since he usually cooks); he'd also would buy those spicy chocolate bars because he know Chi would like them, the vodka she prefers (my beloved couple of functioning alcoholics), the wax she uses to take care of her bike or new leather gloves if the ones she uses are too worn out.

15 - What gifts do they typically give each other?

As said in the previous questions, they mostly gift each other small things that would mean a lot to the other: spicy snacks for Chizuru (Iori travels a lot with his band, so he always looks out for something she might like), books she might enjoy, etc; Chizuru knows Iori loves music, books and cats, so small trinkets with cats on it or cat-shaped, bands t-shirts or nerdy ones (my Iori collects both, along with bi-pride shirts), etc. Small gifts, but that are 100% guaranteed to be loved.

IV. DOMESTIC LIFE

2 - If they get married, who proposes, and how do they do it? Would they change their surnames?

No real proposal (not in the classic trope way), I always imagined it happening while they're talking something vaguely related (like, Mai finally having the wedding of her dreams or something, or just talking about Iori moving to the Yata estate). I don't think any of them would change their last name, to keep both clans still "alive".

3 - What is the wedding like? Who attends?

No wedding, they elope. At first Chizuru wanted to have a ceremony with all her friends, mostly because everyone (Mai especially, but also her clan) seemed to have expectations… but she ended up getting incredibly stressed by the whole ordeal, so Iori just proposed her to elope, go away somewhere nice just the two of them and then, if she still wants it, have a party once they're back in Osaka.

9 - How do they celebrate holidays?

It really depends by what kind of holiday it is and if one of them (or both) are busy with their jobs - mikus are busy daily running the Shrine, and Iori might be out of Japan with his band or busy recordings new song/a show/a concert/etc. But when possible, they enjoy spend their free time together relaxing, or booking a trip when possible (like during the Golden Week).

13 - Do they have any "couple traditions", or family traditions?

Not really. A tradition they had, born after Ash stole their treasures, was to meet up weekly at a bar to drink and… complain about it, or complain about Kyo being always uncooperative when it comes to their duties as 3ST, or Iori finally admitting he'd like to befriend him, but knowing that after years of fighting and death threats it won't happen, not easily anyway. They had broken up at that point (Iori broke up with Chi because the fear of going Riot on her and repeating the same terrible mistake never truly left him), so this tradition ended up turning into a way to get close again…

Thank you for your ask!

[theholidayslingerlikebadperfume]

im gunna be honest with y'all.... the lyric "everything had been above board, she wasn't sure" has been living in my head rent fucking free since i heard it.

in the context of her talking about her own power over joe alwyn, it genuinely makes tortured poets very difficult to listen to and portrays the latter half of her discography in a very different, unhealthy light if you view it from joe's perspective.

imagine someone with 10x the amount of fame as you moves to a different continent to continue dating you within like what a few months of knowing you? it's love-bombing to me, i don't see how it's not. and then to create an album where the narrative is "i found my future husband and this love is all i need in my life fuck fame it hurt me too much i need to change my priorities in life to continue being this happy ive decided to choose love this time" like what, a year, if that into your relationship??????

if someone did that to me, it would make me sort of uncomfortable and if i was younger than i am now, i wouldn't know how to get myself out of that situation if that person decided to change their mind and stay in the public eye because they learned the lesson that cancel culture is not real if you learn how to manipulate public narratives to your advantage.

and then the second album they release is like thinly veiled threats of leaving you if you don't propose soon and y'all are like 3 years into your relationship at this point. and then i guess maybe you've realized that you dont want to get married or be in the public eye the way your partner is in the 3 years of people calling you a fake partner, a pr stunt, and a secretly closeted beard for your partner and not having your partner stick up for you at all in any way that matters. and then your partner starts wearing all black with tiny rainbows and singing sad love songs during her album promo publically?????????

like idk this is not even getting into her behavior during the pandemic and rat bastard tbh because imagine then. she starts writing songs about love triangles with you, and maybe she starts talking to her friend who she had relationship rumors fly around her publically or maybe even worse, you know that they did have something going on during the time yall were just casual fwbs or whatever but she swears there's nothing between the two of them right.

and then she writes midnights songs with him, shows up at his concert and then breaks up with u like 2 months later????????? bro, I'd become the fucking joker ngl.

idk it's just interesting to view it from joe's perspective because like dude what the fuck was going on in her head honestly.

[wandringaesthetic]

Regarding Hozier - Oak Mountain Amphitheatre 5/5/24

(setlist, journal, commentary)

Allison Russell opened and I need to give her a listen she has a very beautiful, soulful voice. Funky band and very lovely backing harmonies. A powerful, sunny presence, if a little corny, talking about harm reduction and voting and power.

Had a great time, didn't have a religious experience, though I've found this has as much or more to do with my state of mind as it does with the performance. Made me appreciate a lot of Unreal, Unearth more, which has been my least favorite of his albums (I think the theming makes it a little structurally awkward, and there are some songs on it (butchered tongue, eat your young) that I don't like listening to most of the time because of subject matter.) I realize there are many songs on that album I would still like to hear live (All Things End would be amazing, I think) though I was very happy to hear Francesca [I'D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT] It threatened to rain the whole time but never did more than sprinkle until we were in the car leaving. Distant lightning started on Nina Cried Power. Doors were supposed to be at 6:00 and we were let in about 6:40. There was a guy who works at the amphitheater in line ahead of us, who, from talking to some other employees, said the fire marshall was there and they were patching some things up for inspection (?? !? ???). The facilities are nice, the food sucks. We were seated right behind the VIP boxes.

I typed the setlist on my phone as the concert went on, and while I can sing along to most of Hozier's songs I don't know the titles of all of them, especially on Unreal, Unearth. So here's my raw notes with commentary from my more lucid Monday morning self in brackets

-De Selby [backdrop landscape with timelapse photography style spinning starry sky, very beautiful, very beautiful song]

-? Unreal unearth track with first order guy [Hux, Domhnall Gleeson] in the video [this is De Selby pt. 2]

-Jackie and Wilson 

-Too sweet [With this hitting #1 I thought perhaps I would be at this concert while it was still #1, a bit of serendipity since I bought these tickets months ago - alas, it's sunk down below most of the tracks on The Tortured Poets Department. Thanks, I hate it]

-Oh to be alone with h you (th God that heroin prays to) [Alone With You - I thought I didn't know the title of this one but I did]

-Dinner and Diatribes

-Francesca [I'D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT]

-It will come back [wasn't confident of the title of this one but I was correct]

-Cherry wine [Hozier solo - he looked up mid song to find that much of the amphitheatre had their phone lights out. He paused and put a hand to his heart and seemed to genuinely have a little moment]

-From Eden

-Wildflower and Barley (with Allison Russell)

-Like Real People Do

-Unknown nth (?) (see how it shines) [actually this was Abstract (Psychopomp)  I told you I did not know the titles of these. Also, now knowing that this is (in part) about an animal hit by a car is well 1) this is obvious and I feel very stupid 2) holy fuck]

- I don't know the title of this one still living roots consumed by the flame oooooooo [this is Would That I - always thought of this one as a sequel to Arsonist's Lullaby]

-Almost (sweet music) (with highlights on the band) [notably, part of the backdrop for this is pictures of records of all the song references/title drops that are in this. In case you did not Get It. Hozier will not be at peace if you do not Get It. To be fair there are a couple of them I would miss]

-Eat your young

-Movement

-Take me to church 

Encore:

nina cried power [with preceding commentary about the history of protest, about the American civil rights movement directly influencing civil rights movement in North Ireland, about boycotting apartheid south Africa, Free Palestine! about movements being seeing the truth as it is and saying that it should be better, etc. (extremely paraphrasing) This went over positively, which is always a nice thing to experience given location (ALABAMA) but the people queueing to buy Hozier tix (the show was sold out and IIRC was sold out in less than 24 hrs after it went on sale) are at least somewhat aware and approving of his politics. May not be gen. pop. but you'll never be alone.]

The being unknown angel to me [THIS is Unknown/nth]

Work song [with Allison Russell, who is notably Not A Coward and did not change the pronouns. I don't know what Allison Russell's sexuality is but she's at least an ally what with the rainbow coalition stuff. Phone flashlights out again.]

[saschaederer]

Threats (16. 2. 2025):

- Many times over the course of the recent days: Titanic moaning & deep bass at around <50 Hz, from outside of my window (https://imgur.com/a/lxAfBmI, and/or in partial reference to such having potentially been ongoing occurrences)

- A TGV (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TGV) driving past slowly, outside of my window (which I can’t remember having ever seen before do so, although that might simply be due to my dopeyness. A threat in initial reference to Tomoko Kuriyama (my mother) getting prostituted to people consecutively)

- A few times recently: Mental images and vocalizations alluding to painful CNC and/or CNC (https://bit.ly/4hGAYl2, a threat in initial reference to (an) ex front alter(s) of Taylor Swift getting prostituted, in partial reference to such having potentially already happened or having potentially been ongoing occurrences)

- Several coded threats and/or references in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdsTHYKNDyE

- Pseudo hallucination (luminous, lucid colors) in my peripheral vision of crescent moons next to each other in an overall shape reminiscent of a VHS, projected unto the ceiling (A threat in initial reference to me getting castrated and/or in partial reference to (potentially, hypnotically, (an) alter(s) of) Taylor Swift getting her/their breast(s) amputated and/or mutilated) - Mental image of a pastel green crescent moon, projected unto the ceiling (A threat in initial reference to me getting castrated)

- https://x.com/1234fit/status/1889347092000227727?s=46&t=8BkusnIkW2uki99TqYWYEw

- Pyra in this video: https://youtu.be/VCCo8BT1p84 (In initial reference to a front alter and/or an ex front alter of Taylor Swift, having potentially gotten killed (hypnotically) and/or in partial reference to her/them having potentially gotten or being tortured)

(Note: Ever since I first listened to ‘Tate McRae - she’s all I wanna be’ (https://youtu.be/lt9RmG4uq8U), I wanted to make a video with the song, where I had imagined the heroine of the short story to be explosively engulfed by flames in front of a tower looking similar to the one in the reveal trailer of Pyra and Mythra. It sounds difficult to believe that the trailer was made with such in mind and it is generally speaking also true that artists’ works can easily match the Zeitgeist by being driven similarly by the collective unconscious, however they / it would’ve had no problem predicting my fantasies considering that the song fits my taste exactly, red-haired (symbolizing to me, ambiguous or redeemed) Anime heroines can easily match my Anima projections and while I was getting brainwashed five years ago, I fantasized about making a movie called ‘Deus Ex Machina’, with the villainous entity (essentially, the way I conceive it to be, a mirror image of the system) being housed at the top floor of a tower such as the one in the video.

One should also keep in mind that many things about the ‘Super Smash Bros’ series have been designed as PsyOps primarily linked to me or the narrative they created around me, including the fact that ‘Melee’ (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Smash_Bros._Melee), while being such a stunning, expansive and intricate game, was apparently or allegedly developed only over the course of 13 months, has an inversed cross as part of its logo, and featured Roy and Kirby as some of its unreasonably worst characters, meant to further foster my inferiority complexes early in my life.

Even though I understand that the scale and quantity of such PsyOps make a daunting impression of me, it is important that one doesn’t confuse the impression they make about me with the actuality of my self, noticing that this is literally the way they play out in the open, with actual merits being second-rate if anything at all, if you allow yourself to be manipulated by them, instead of transcending them through honest being. In the context of this, it means that you may idolize me, but deifying me would lead to nothing good, making it difficult for you to think for yourself and potentially even fall for dangerous traps or similar, for example by how the system might lie in my stead such as in manners mentioned here: https://imgur.com/a/43J214C Essentially, it means that you should believe in God, as otherwise something or someone else will fill that role for you, and anyone who’s ever observed or met me knows that I’m human like everyone else.

Some of the possible scenarios which have been laid out in the recent days seemingly can’t make me stop crying, however, it’s important that you keep your mind open and don’t take any imagining for granted, knowing the vastness of possibilities at play and the sophistication with which they act. What it can and should show you however, is that scenarios like those, are common occurrences currently in this and multiple’s internal worlds.)

- Threat published yesterday, of Lana Del Rey in her interview and Taylor Swift in the music video to ‘Fortnight’: In partial reference to an ex front alter of Taylor Swift having potentially commanded, negotiated, abnegated or perpetrating murder or torture unto (potentially, (a) front alter(s)) of Lana Del Rey)

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRWdR_lNuTM (Threats in initial reference to me)

- “(What you lack in stupidity you) make up (with character)” (in ‘Jordan Peterson’ voice, a threat in initial reference to me)

______________________________________________

Reports:

______________________________________________

How I handle threats I receive (Last Update: 14. 2. 2025):

[maryse127]

Spotify Wrapped Summary :)

Artists

To the surprise of absolutely nobody: Taylor Swift

Nobuo Uematsu - also not surprising with how much I have been listening to Distant Worlds arrangements, some of the older Final Fantasy osts and of course the FF7 Rebirth theme song

Coldplay! I know I listened to them quite a bit and even had like a few weeks where I only listened to them but still wasnt expecting this

Masayoshi Soken - I cannot figure out if I am more surprised at him being higher than Yoko Shimomura or at Coldplay being higher than both of them. Anyway, can you tell that I started critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV's Free Trial this year? Also Square Finally uploaded the FFXVI soundtrack. But too late to get Away in the Top 100 songs. With how much I listened to my CD rip of that ost my Wrapped would have looked quite different if Square had dropped it on streaming earlier

Yoko Shimomura My Beloved - I actually got to meet her at a concert in Berlin and rode that high for an entire week. But apparently I didnt listen to her music as much this year. Probably because I have been listening a lot more to other Final Fantasy soundtracks besides XV this year

Songs

No Promises to Keep (Final Fantasy VII Rebirth Theme Song) <- important addition as there is at least one other version of this song in my Top 100 by Nobuo Uematsu vocals by Loren Allred - When a short version of the song was performed at last year's Game Awards I knew this would be my number one song (if it was released on streaming, which it did). Like months before the game even came out. And yet here we are. Not even counting all the times I listened to my youtube rip from before it was on Spotify. And the times I listened to my CD rip because yes I got the single CD of this in Japan for more money than it's reasonably worth

Can't Catch Me Now from The Hunger Games The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie by Olivia Rodrigo - I am nothing if not a Hunger Games fangirl. I also just love this song. Also also it fit very well with one of my daydream scenarios which played a role in listening to this on repeat

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? by Taylor Swift - My absolute favorite song from the new album. And also played on repeat for the same daydream. But also I just love it.

Too Much is Never Enough by Florence + The Machine - 3rd consecutive year that this song makes the Top 5. I am not immune to Songs From Final Fantasy XV

Melodies of Life ~ Final Fantasy also by Nobuo Uematsu of course. The (English version of the) Final Fantasy IX ending theme. Vocals by Emiko Shiratori. Wasn't the biggest fan of FF9 but this song is beautiful. Also different scene in the same daydream continuity.

Was gonna do Top 5 and some special mentions but Top 6 because I would have loved it if it had made Top 5: The Call by Regina Spektor. Anyone remember Prince Caspian? Beloved 2nd Narnia movie from way back in the day? I sure do. This song is soooo pretty. This movie lived rent free in my mind when I was 15. I watched it with a friend a while ago. She had never seen it before but she liked it too. I still knew at least half the dialogue by heart. I am also still not immune to Ben Barnes.

Special mentions:

The other Songs From Final Fantasy XV come in at 8 for I Will Be and 12 for Stand by Me

List seems to mostly be from Taylor Swifts latest album The Tortured Poets Department, my Final Fantasy Distant Worlds and Final Fantasy vocal tracks playlists, the Xenogears, Final Fantasy XV, XIII, and VII Rebirth soundtracks (VII Rebirth being just a a few song preview of the full ost) and Coldplay's album Magic

Last year's number 1 Electric Touch by Taylor Swift and Fall Out Boy is still pretty high up at 15

Last year's number 2 Cruel Angel's Thesis however has dropped to 98 which is very symbolic of how intense yet shortlived my Evangelion obsession was last year

Remember when I said there was more than one version of No Promises to Keep? The Band Version (with Nobuo Uematsu's band) is on 17. The instrumental version of the game version is on 34, the instrumental version of the band version is on 50

Highest scoring entry by Yoko Shimomura (patron god of this blog) is Somnus (Instrumental) Distant Worlds version at 14 which is shockingly low. Next entry is Somnus Ultima at 18. Valse di Fantastica comes in at a shockingly low 22. Noctis theme is at 46 which is insane to me. I failed both my blorbo and my god

There's only 4 Taylor Swift songs here that aren't from TTPD which is shocking to me. Some of the TTPD songs that are here are like skip songs to me nowadays too.

Despite being my number 4 artist Soken has 0 songs in the Top 100. If Square had dropped the FF16 ost earlier Away and Ascension and Hide, Hide Away would have been here for sure.

Valse di Fantastica came on while writing this post and holy fuck why is it so low I love this song

Coldplay's highest entry is Magic at 58 which is low for my 3rd artist but at least they are on the list unlike Soken XD

Other notable things

On July 5th I streamed the most: 671 minutes aka more than 11 hours. The Wrapped wonders how I did that. Well, that's just what a 13 hour flight to Japan does to you

(If you are wondering why my 15 hour flight back isn't here: I watched like 8 hours of Netflix on that flight)

Spotify's genres are always bullshit but I had an actually accurate one for the month of May: Nerdy Vocal Soundtrack. I am pretty sure the Distant Worlds concert was in May so it tracks that it peaked there. Unlike what Spotify claims this wasnt a phase tho. It's just me

While writing this post the Distant Worlds version of FF9's Vamo'alla Flamenco came on and just shoutouts to this song being amazing and double shoutout to the guitar soloist at Distant Worlds. Dude got so much applause and rightfully so. That whole concert was hype af but this song was one of the best moments.

Anyway, send me a number 1-100 and I'll post (and probably ramble!) about whatever song placed at that number!

[mayarism]

05.22.22 – abby

Dear Abby,

I miss you already! Please come back soon. I know my couch is a torture device for you to sleep on, so I’m thinking of giving it away and replacing with a futon once I have enough money.

5.22.22

update: I gave away the blue couch successfully. you will no longer have to suffer from it. how have you been doing in kansas? have you been reading or watching anything lately that you’ve enjoyed or connected to?

I also would love song recommendations for the summer if you have any to share <3

songs I’ve enjoyed lately –

palo santo – saint joshua; summer afternoon vibes, goes well with lemonade and sunglasses

king – florence + the machine; listening to this helps me find courage in myself somehow. goes well with wearing chainmail armor and embracing your insanity

sister 2 sister – ibeyi; reminds me of us

cigar – tamino; the music video for this has been on my mind since I watched this a month ago. gave me a mini existential crisis.

[whatiwillsay]

I dunno if this is helpful for anyone but I just read the transcript of Taylor’s speech in Tokyo about TTPD and this is what she said about the timing:

“And I’ve been keeping it a secret for awhile, because I’ve been working on Tortured Poets since right after I turned in Midnights. So you turn in an album months in advance, so you can make vinyls, which are the best, and I started working on it immediately after that. And I’ve been working on it for about two years. I kept working on it throughout the US tour, and when it was perfect in my opinion, when it was good enough for you, I finished it.”

I think I read she turned in Midnights in April/May 2022 to make the vinyl deadline. So she started TTPD then and that adds up to the around 2 years now. Vinyl deadline was likely October/November? But then there’s the whole anthology that wouldn’t have to meet that deadline.

i think the vinyl deadlines would be a decent amount later (see the timeline for london boy being on lover for example) but yeah at large this is a decent timeline and still makes complete sense for the muses of joe, matty, with two wee little songs about travis (plus songs ab olivia, kim, snakegate, and depression amongst others)

but also “working on tortured poets” just means in the process, not finished with the whole album on day 1, so let’s keep that in mind! it does seem likely now that the alchemy is about a game from 2023 and not specifically the super bowl but that works fine and has always been an option for us.