#but the song has been torturing my mind for ~2 months...

[zu-is-here]

[4/15] Happy birthday, Ink! ٩( ᐛ )و♪

Ink by comyet

Song: Eve – Outsider [LKing English cover]

[nonexistent-introvert]

Hug Me

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Content: angst, fight, Joel being mean, guilt, heartbreak,

A/N: I really just wanted to write a fic based of the cover of this song done by BTS V and J-hope. I linked the original artist but there is a part where its J hope's rap so it wasn't included in the original song.

Update: I decided to link a SoundCloud link for the cover too!!

Part 2 !!!!

 Unable to win over my heart of sorrow

I endure yet another dark night of sleeplessness

Without a care about my despair

The morning heartlessly wakes me up

 The buzzing of Jackson was replaced with silence at this hour. The sounds of nature replaced the usual city buzz. You hated the silence, the bustle was the only thing that distracted you from your thoughts. While everyone is asleep, you lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Trying your best to push down the lump in your throat and silence the voices in your head. Every time you closed your eyes, the whole scene replays on a loop, reminding you of what had happened. Your heart clenched, constricting on itself. The tear streaks still shine in the moonlight. 

   You don’t think you got a single night of sleep since your fight with Joel. If you were lucky, maybe you would get naps and the times when you had just collapsed because of sheer exhaustion. It was lucky that you always collapsed when you returned home. You didn’t want anyone realising how much despair you were in, you didn’t need the concern. 

   When the voices stopped, a bright light has already shone into your room. The silence was now filled with various greetings and laughs. Many people waking up early for patrol or to provide and contribute their services to Jackson. You stood up, exhaustion weighing your body down. You tried to ignore the reflections of yourself, you doubted you looked well at all. 

  It was heartless, wasn’t it? How time still passed indifferently despite the pain you were in. 

The scars hurt more than I expected

The pain goes deeper than I expected

The countless nights I spend resenting you

Are like hell to me

  You catch passing glances at Joel, he always seemed preoccupied with some kind of work. You tore your eyes away from him anyways while your heart ached longingly for him. His porch was empty at night, he used to strum his guitar there, hoping that the melodies would bring you to him. 

  You rid the thoughts of him, you really should stop thinking about him. Your heart clenched at the thought, as though it protested against you. The logical part of you urges you to just move on with your life, go back to the life before you filled your days with Joel’s company. Then there was your heart which ached constantly for Joel, and yet, it refuses to let go of him. 

  What was wrong with you? It has been almost a month since the both of you fought. Joel looked like he moved on fine so why were you the only one who was suffering? 

   You hated Joel Miller. You hated him for the pain he had put you through. You hated him for how easily he moved on, as though you hadn’t meant a single thing to him. Your logical mind listed every single one of Joel’s faults and flaws. However, your heart simply yearned for Joel, reminding you of the times you spent with him. When he made you the happiest you have ever been. When he gave you that boyish smile, when he laughed at one of your remarks when he teases you with his iconic drawl.

  When he had muttered to you the words he never had the courage to say while you’re awake.

  “You mean so much more to me than you’ll ever know darlin’” 

  The tears flowed again, just like every other night. It was like your own personal torture. 

 Stay by my side, stay with me

Don’t let go of my hand you hold

If you take one step away

I can just take one step closer

  “Joel please!” You begged, holding onto his hand. There was a split moment in time where Joel hesitated and his gaze softened ever so slightly. Joel wrung his hand out from your grip, turning away from you as he ran his hands through his hair. You took a step closer to him, “I’m sorry.” You uttered. “I need some time.” And Joel slammed the door behind him

Thousands of times a day

My thoughts come back to you

All the cruel words you said to me

That icy look, those cold expressions

   You blasted the music that was playing in your ears. Trying to drown out the words that he had said that day. You distracted yourself with the lyrics of the song, hoping that it would stop the scene from replaying in your head. You were never seen without your earphones after that day, because when your mind was allowed to wander, it would wander back to him. The music helps to reduce how vivid the memory was. 

   “There is no ‘us’. There was never an ‘us’ and there will not be.” Joel gritted out. Your fists shook uncontrollably beside you. When you finally found the courage to look up at him, the look in his eyes was unrecognisable. It was a look he gave to enemies, a cold glare void of any warmth, so unlike the looks he always gave you. He was no longer the Joel who called you darling then, he was Joel Miller, the man who murdered the fireflies in cold blood and destroyed any chances of a cure. 

  You shivered at the memory, your breath hastened considerably. 

You were such a pretty person

You were such a pretty person

Please don’t do this to me

You know me well

   In this apocalypse, no one trusted each other. Even in Jackson, trust takes time to build, you had to earn your place here by helping out. Joel Miller was reliable, polite, and reasonable, being Tommy’s brother also helped him easily earn the trust of many. However, you don’t remember the day you decided to trust him with everything you had. Maybe it was the countless times he had saved you from close calls during patrols. 

  It was definitely the times he had spent slowly warming up to you. When he had mentioned to you what Ellie was up to during patrol when he came up to you and asked you all about the lore of Savage Starlight. Those were the times when you slowly gave your heart to him, bit by bit, till it wasn’t yours anymore. 

   His good looks were hardened by the apocalypse, but when he let the traces of a smile show and let out a laugh or wheeze, you knew you fell for him even more. So when he slammed the door on you that day and walked out of your life like he never meant anything, your heart shattered into a thousand pieces. 

  The glimpse of a pained look on his face showed that he knew that your heart shattered at his words. Knew that his actions were enough to leave a bleeding heart behind. Joel Miller knew you too well. 

  And that was why, it had hurt so much. 

Those words you said lightly at the time

Made light our relationship in the end

I didn’t know familiarity was the scariest thing

I didn’t know your heart, until our end full of regrets

By the day, your empty spot grows bigger

   Perhaps it was your fault that you decided to try to walk on the tightrope that was yours and Joel’s relationship. The both of you tethered on the line of friends, as though the both of you were testing the limits of it. You should have known that when you went beyond the line, you would walk on the tightrope, never sure if Joel would catch you when you did fall from the tightrope. From your situation now, you know that he didn’t catch you, he was never prepared to catch you. 

  The months you had spent with him, the time you had spent laughing and talking to him under the stars, the nights you had spent in his arms. It all felt like a long dream as soon as the weight of his words comprehended in your mind. 

  “There is no ‘us’, there never was and there never will.” 

  “We should have never met.”

   You chuckle sadly at yourself now, you had even once thought of what it will be like being his wife. Just like how Maria is Tommy’s wife. It seemed like a childish dream now. The scariest part of it all was how you thought you knew him like the palm of your hand, you trusted him enough to not hurt you and walk out so heartlessly, that he would at least have had the decency to let you down slowly. It took everything falling apart, it took regrets pilling on one another to know Joel Miller truly.   No matter what, the place Joel had left vacant in your heart only seems to grow bigger by the day.

 Even if we water our flower bed that was once beautiful

Only our memories remain in full bloom

Only the scent of longing wafts out

   Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it simply numbs the pain that comes from the wounds. When you stare at Joel as he passes you, you couldn’t help the sad smile that forms on your lips. Mourning for the one who got away, what could have been a fairytale. As you watched him lift a bunch of fresh supplies for Jackson, your heart ached numbly in your heart. Even if you did give him and you a chance again, the fight and the trust that was lost between you in this period of time would forever hinder the relationship. You knew Joel and you would never go back to how you were back then, you were thankful that at least the happiness was contained in happy memories that you could look back on. On those days when you reminisce your memories with him and contemplate fixing things between the both of you, you could only remind yourself of the cold truth. However, you couldn’t stop your heart from yearning for him. 

If I can just see you again

I want to show you my everything

I’ll hug you and hold you tight

So you can read my beating heart

For real, for real

Until this truth rests in your embrace

   Joel sat down in his favourite chair with a grunt. The cold silence that greeted him in his home was not something that he looked forward to. He sighed, listening to one of his records play, letting the music accompany him instead. So he does not feel that alone. 

  “She left today. Not sure what she’s up to but she did make some joke of coming back if she doesn’t die.” Tommy casually told Joel over patrol. Joel’s heart stopped for a moment, asking for more details but it seems like you deliberately didn’t leave much. Joel bit back on his tongue, he had no right asking about you, not when he treated you like that. 

   The guilt haunted him every day since he walked out of your house that day. His pride not letting him go and apologise to you, and because he also thought that you would be better off without him. You deserved better than an old grumpy man like him. 

   But knowing that he couldn’t even see you around town now, unable to know if you are okay killed him internally. Joel could only blame himself for letting you go. Then he slowly got selfish, till the point where if he saw you again, he would plead every day for your forgiveness and hope that you would give him another chance. He will hold you in his arms, letting you hear his heartbeat, how it skips when he’s near you, how it paces when he sees you. His heartbeat will tell you the words he never got to tell you. Until you finally realize how much you mean to him and that he will forever blame himself for letting you go.

  Just hug me, please hug me

Just run to me without a word

 Joel wishes you would run into his arms again like you always did. You would call out his name and run towards him with a big grin. He will extend his arms out and welcome you into his arms. If the both of you were alone, you would even wrap your legs around him. Then he could let his heart skip a few beats at the sound of your giggles before you nuzzle your nose into his neck. Maybe after you came back from the trip you were on, you would run into his arms again, and he will welcome you like nothing has ever changed. 

With a lonely and anxious heart

Like this I wait for you

  For the first time since that day he fought with you, Joel picked up his guitar and sat on his porch again. He strummed melodies that he knew you would hum to, that you would start walking in beat to. Then you’ll dramatically sing out the lyrics when you see him, like you were a Disney princess in a Disney musical. He chuckles at the memory. Joel Miller will wait for you to come back to him. His music expresses his love for you, hoping that one day you’ll notice it. 

He will talk to the moon about how much he loves you and hope that you’ll forgive him. His lonely heart anxiously awaits the day he will receive the message that you were back in Jackson and he had a chance to make things right with you. 

   His foolish and weak heart wishes that the moon would help convey his love and intentions to you. Joel hopes that you were talking to the moon too. After all, the only thing he had in common with you now was the sky above you from wherever you stood now. 

 I love you, I love you

I’ll shout out from this long silence

My foolish and weak heart

[w1thered-roses]

OK SO BRAINROT CONSUMED ME AND I WANNA TRY MAKING SOME PURELILY ANGST AU

Get ready for a long ass wall of text of my random rambles + sprite edit

Fallen king au(?): after the events of beast yeast eps 1-2, shadow milk wasn’t fully sealed away, instead part of him managed to reside in pure vanilla’s mind (don’t ask how this part even works just bare with me vro). Over the span of a few months shadow milk would mentally torture pure vanilla in an attempt to get him vulnerable enough to be able to control him, starting off as just simply annoying him but overtime becoming more and more horrible and traumatic. In the beginning vanilla would continuously resist against him, trying to stay strong and refuse to let shadow milk control him. This would happen around the same time lily was very mentally fragile after the events of beast yeast, elder faerie’s death AND her guilt of being DE, so at first she didnt really notice vanilla’s declining mental state, as he would mask it pretty well and was busy trying to help her. As lily got better vanilla simply just got worse and worse, the lack of sleep, how little hes been eating out of stress, and the horrible anxiety he had caused by shadow milk was taking a toll on him, as hed start to isolate himself and become more irritable and angry. Lily had started to suspect something was wrong with vanilla, as he isn’t like this at all, but when she’d question him and ask if he’s alright he’d either just lie and say everything was fine, push her and others away or just lash out a bit. Eventually shadow milk gave vanilla a choice, either 1: keep resisting and shadow milk would keep up the mental torture, or 2: give up and let shadow milk fully take over, that he would stop the torture and vanilla could finally be “free”. Vanilla just couldn’t take it anymore and decided to just stop resisting, letting the jester take over his mind and body, resulting in vanilla getting locked away within his own mind. Shadow milk having finally taken over takes a few days to regain the body’s physical strength and then causes havoc in the vanilla kingdom, later he goes to beast-yeast to cut down the silver tree. Lily chases after him, confronting him at the tree and they fight it out, she tries her hardest to talk her way through to him, trying to reach vanilla but to no avail, vanilla isn’t there anymore. She later has no choice but to seal him away, seal away her best friend, her best friend that was there for her, her best friend who she knew from their school days, and most painfully the one she fell in love with. She succeeds in sealing him away inside the tree, and as shes doing so she doesn’t see him as the evil beast he has become, instead she sees the little vanilla from their school days, she sees her very best friend, crying as he’s sealed away. Lily later on builds a shrine in beast-yeast in honor of him, to remember him, as she misses him dearly and regrets not doing anything while she could.

Mind you this was inspired from LULLABY FOR A PRINCESS out of all things (yes that one mlp fan song, shut up its good)

Plus here is a corrupted pv sprite edit, unsure what to name him, i was considering vanilla extract cookie but dunno, if yall got any name ideas pls tell me 😭😭😭

This au is still being developed so its bound to change but this is what i have so far!!! I rlly wanna keep working on this i just need to think. I wanna try writing a fic for funsies, im not rlly a writer tho so who knows!

Probably later ill post more things regarding this au since i have more stuff i wanna share! Bye bye for now :D

[huellitaa]

bee's record player, april edition 🎀𓂃 ࣪˖

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 INTRO

welcome back to the second issue of bee's record player, a monthly annual look into bee's music world and the latest from hers and your faves! enjoy! ♡

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 NEW ARRIVALS

minisode 3: tomorrow, tomorrow x together

♡ released april 1st, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: deja vu, quarter life

♡ running time: 17 minutes 2 seconds

midas touch, kiss of life

♡ released april 3rd, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 6 minutes 15 seconds

found heaven, conan gray

♡ released april 5th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: found heaven, alley rose, bourgeoiseses, never ending song, winner

♡ running time: 36 minutes 47 seconds

espresso, sabrina carpenter

♡ released april 12th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 2 minutes 55 seconds

dark vacay, cigarettes after sex

♡ released april 16th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 3 minutes 33 seconds

the tortured poets department: the anthology, taylor swift

♡ released april 19th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: fortnight, loml, fresh out the slammer, but daddy i love him, florida!!!

♡ running time: 2 hours 2 minutes

yuq1, yuqi

♡ released april 23rd, 2024

♡ extended play / EP

♡ best songs: freak, drink it up, red rover

♡ running time: 19 minutes 19 seconds

bubble gum, newjeans

♡ released april 26th, 2024

♡ single

♡ running time: 3 minutes 41 seconds

bewitched: the goddess edition, laufey

♡ released april 26th, 2024

♡ full album / LP

♡ best songs: goddess, promise, dreamer, must be love, trouble, from the start

♡ running time: 1 hour 1 minute

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 BEE'S TRACKS: TOP 10

♡ 10. quarter life, tomorrow x together

THIS SONG IS EVERYTHING TO ME YOU DONT GET IT. YOU ACTUALLY DONT UNDWRSTAND YOUNWILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY INTENSE OVERWHELMING INDESCRIBABLE LOVE FOR THIS SONG. I LOVE IT SO MUCH

♡ 9. read your mind, sabrina carpenter

I CANT READ UR MIND🗣🗣shes so real for this whole song and its sUCH a vibe who allowed her to make this song and just give it to us. like. For Free. what the fuck. perfect

♡ 8. bring it on, fromis_9

this song is so girlypop ive been so obsessed???? fromis 9 are so underrated i swear like unlock my world has to be one of my favourite albums of all time ever. in love!

♡ 7. i'll see you there tomorrow, tomorrow x together

@bananacatmeow THERE'LL BE NO MORE SORROW I'LL SEE U THERE TMOROW 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥 self explanatory i fucking love this song so much actually

♡ 6. bad for business, sabrina carpenter

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG AT THE MOMENT <3 its a little more recent thats why its only on number 6 but it reminds me of my princess and i just love it in general so this song is the loml. ONE OF MY FAV SABRINA SONGS EVERR I LOVE ITTTT <3

♡ 5. smart, le sserafim

yes this is on my top 10 again.... this song goes so hard im sorry idk what to tell u 😕

♡ 4. bad news, kiss of life

okay i wasnt actually expecting this to be on here but bad news has to be the best kiof song like ever honestly beats everything. the high notes give me life and this whole album is my chaotic girl anthem honestly

♡ 3. the killa, tomorrow x together

self explanatory. the tinnitus effect goes so hard on this song i cant explain i want to inject it into my blood genuinely the most ass shaking song released this year or like ever for that matter go txt slut era!!!

♡ 2. espresso, sabrina carpenter

my give a fucks are on vacationnnn 🎀 I FUCKING LOVE THIS SOBG OH MY GOSHHHHHH IVE BEEN SO OBSESSED ALL MONTH. SABRINA I LOVE U SO BAD THIS SONG IS MY EVERYTHING. AJJAJSJAJSJSSJJSJSDJNSNSNSNAJDJ

♡ 1. deja vu, tomorrow x together

no words. music video made me sob my heart out and this song touched me so deeply i cant even begin to explain. txt ilysm

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ALBUMS

♡ 1. emails i can't send, sabrina carpenter

we were all expecting this be honest 😭 i have quite literally NOT SHUT UP about this album the WHOLE MONTH and ive been so obsessed w sabrina its actually insane like this was so obvious actually 😭💓

♡ 2. minisode 3: tomorrow, tomorrow x together

once again self explanatory i had had such a bad breakdown like a few days before this came out and the deja vu mv made me cry so bad because of the sheer fact it resonated with me so much 😭 i love them so much and they did amazing AS ALWAYS txt never misses 💓💓💓

♡ 3. the tortured poets department, taylor swift

the way i actually really didnt like this album at first??? its grown on me so much though the lyric writing is IMMACULATE and i feel its more focused on lyrics and writing more than production this time unlike midnights, which was probably why it didnt instantly click with me straight away. comfort album

♡ 4. fake it flowers, beabadoobee

IM SO EXCITED FOR BEA3 YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. fake it flowers is like the loml i love fake it flowers more than i love my life fake it flowers is love fake it flowers is life everybody worship fake it flowers now

♡ 5. back to black, amy winehouse

I LOVE AMY WINEHOUSE SO MUCH RAHHH THE MOVIE AB HER CAME OUT THIS MONTH AND IVE BEEN RELISTENING TO BACK TO BLACK AND IM SO OBSESSED 😭😭😭💕💕💕

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ARTISTS

♡ TOMORROW X TOGETHER (woahh im so shocked ahahah i didnt expect this at all)

♡ SABRINA CARPENTER (woahhhh im so surprised ahahahaha)

♡ TAYLOR SWIFT (ttpd my love)

♡ BEABADOOBEE (YOSHIMI FOREST MAGDALENE 🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️📢📢📢)

♡ TWICE (obviously.)

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 SPECIAL MENTIONS

♡ coachella this month!!! le sserafim girls i love you so bad but this performance was NOT IT 😭 sabrina u were amazing though bb ily carried the whole show

♡ AND I DONT EVEN CARE IF IT MAKES ME SOUND INSANE I RAN MY FINGERS THROUFH YOUR HAIR AND I THANKED GOD TO TOUCH THE FLAME CUZ I SWORE NECKS WERE.MADE FOR BRUISING I SWORE LIPS WERE MADE FOR LIES AND I THOUGHT IF YOUD EVER LEAVE ME THAT ID BE THE REASON WHY

♡ im the biggest alley rose stan FIGHT ME.

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 EDITOR'S NOTE

thank you so much for reading this month's edition of bee's record player! i have so much fun writing these and rambling about my silly music and i hope you enjoy them too �� if there's anybody or anything you'd like me to mention, edit, or keep up with in these, then always feel free to tell me, im always open to new suggestions!

lots of love, and until next month! ♡

[deesi-academia]

hey, I saw the anti swiftie post. If you're comfortable mag I know the reason why? I am kinda neutral about her but I feel like I should know stuff. I understand if you don't wanna answer this. Take care <3

(also I agree the swiftie fandom is kinda annoying lmao)

hello old old old anon ask I'm so sorry for replying so late but yeah hi 😭

I have tons of time on my hands for the next.... 30 minutes so let's get into it. I'll list a time line of my thought process to how I came to the 'ex-swiftie' conclusion:

1. She released a song called "renegade" which is good, but I found some lines problematic and unexpected, because I used to hold swift to a pedestal (guilty as charged).

The lines were 'is it insensitive of me to say get your shit together so I can love you' and 'is it really your anxiety stopping {something love something idk} or do you just not want to?' SOOOOO yeah these thew me off a little.

2. Her album Midnights came out which I ADORED, became my fav so quick. But then her multiple variations of vinyls etc threw me off again. This is when the Bad Feeling About Her started setting in.

3. Then she released the song 'You're losing me' which just BLARED red flags to me even though the song is actually good. It's the first time I think, where she hinted that she broke up with her bf (Joe Alwyn) because of his mental illness.

4. The ongoing carbon emissions controversy lol, and her buying carbon credits... like it just felt like a "hah I'm rich so I can do whatever wrongs i want and buy it out" moment. I really hated that, since I live in a pretty polluted city so it hit close to home.

5. She threatened to sue the teenager who published PUBLIC data about her flights. Bad.

6. The entire free palestine movement gained momentum and she stayed silent. She has her image as the American Princess and Activist Who Can Do No Wrong. Feminist Queen. Speaker For Those Who Can't Speak. Yada Yada.

I simply hated her billionaire self as she chose to stay silent (and still is). To call off the criticism she and her bestie Selena went to a live comedy show where the comedian donated his earnings for Gaza relief. LIKE. ??????? Basic billionaire below underground level of "donation"???? This had to be a joke. It was not.

I think this incident was the final straw for me where I realized I can't support her if she's such a human being. That's not what my morals stand for thank you very much.

7. I REALLY tried to separate the art from the artist but I couldn't. Not with my sane mind and strong ethics. AND THEN the entire Matty healy debacle. He's a misogynistic, racist, zionist, ugh of a person.

I don't think anyone can date someone with such drastic opposing values. So the Taylor-Matty era further tarnished her image in front of me.

8. Fast forward and she releases her new album The Tortured Poets Department. That's it this was my final straw. You can just Google and go on a reddit thread about how problematic this album is. I'll probably write a long ass essay on it. Anyway this is where I decided I'm done, back in April.

Since then I've just been trying to cope with losing my fav artist because of the person she turned out to me. And people say we shouldn't hold celebs to such high standards but bro. Taylor PROMOTES parasocial relationships. SHE held her image to that standard until recently. There's an entire documentary on Netflix about that - Miss Americana.

So yeah she let me down from the pedestal she put herself on. It's been 2+ months and I'm still coping, because I genuinely lost a very important part of my life - her music. It has got me through tough times and I have many good memories associated with those songs.

Anyway, here's to new artists to love ONLY for their music lol 🥂

[1296-very-good-year]

Just for fun, here are some excerpts from the last wow novel that explored Anduin's mental state (Shadow's Rising) immediately PRIOR to his kidnapping, torture, mind control, and however many years wandering around alone with crippling ptsd:

1) They had reached the fences. Anduin grasped one of the crossbeams and squeezed, the old, battered wood creaking. He wanted to break it. He wanted it to snap. A surge of anger made him close his eyes, as if he were afraid of what Alleria might see there.

The hunt would continue, and he, as king, would find a way to keep faith in their odds of victory. That was his duty. A man had to know his limits, but he could not reach that limit, not yet; too many depended on him now.

The fence beam snapped. Just another thing to fix.

Another in a long, long line of things to mend.

2) He strangely wanted to stay in the crypt, to sit there among the dead and know their pain, their stories. It seemed easier than facing another day of frustration and failure.

3) Jaina: “Alleria and Turalyon tortured that smuggler in front of me. She used the Void to infiltrate his mind while he held him prisoner with chains made from the Light. It looked unspeakably painful.” She rounded the table, searching his face. “My king…I worry that their tactics represent you poorly. Every one of us, every soldier, is in service to your crown. We stand under your banner, and if their actions are sanctioned by your rule, what does that say about us?”

Anduin did not speak for a long while, though his smile diminished. He shook his head, turning away from her, pacing back and forth across the lush green carpet beneath their feet. Finally, he crossed to a large brazier in the corner belching healthy flames. Flattening his hand, he passed it back and forth just above the reach of the fire.

“What does it say?” he echoed. He sounded almost offended that she had to ask. “It says we will do whatever we must to bring murderers to justice. It says we will not forget those lost in war. It says we will not forget Teldrassil, or Lordaeron. It says we will not forget the mak’gora. It says that we will not forget the flames blazing over the Veiled Sea, or the fires reflected in the eyes of a thousand mourning children.”

4) His skin looked worn and blue around the eyes, exhausted smudges painted beneath.

Thrall knew that look well, had experienced it himself many times —the sleepless, sallow ravages of leadership. It had been mere months since he had last clapped eyes on the king of Stormwind, yet he seemed to have aged a full year.

5) Anduin found himself before the great carved fireplace in his bedroom on the floor, legs tucked up to chest, catatonic, eyes unable to close, mind unable to clear, the flames just inches before him searing into his vision until tears poured down his cheeks.

6) Anduin after meeting some young alliance soldiers in a bar while in disguise: They lapsed into song, forgetting all about their new “friend.” But Anduin wouldn’t soon forget them. He looked at each of their faces in turn, memorizing them, wondering how long it would take until they too turned up on a freezing slab beneath the Cathedral of Light, innocent lambs before the slaughter.

7) Anduin to Jaina: "Sometimes I need to be a boy again. I think about all the soldiers giving their life to serve the Alliance, and I think: How? How can they be so young? Those three brave souls inside, they think they’re ready to die. Ready to die for me. It isn’t fair. It…it should make everything stop. The whole world should stop and point at that, but it doesn’t. Everything just rolls on, the world forgets, and I have to pretend like their sacrifice isn’t a cruel, heartbreaking joke.”

8) Anduin made a soft sound of disgust and stood, hovering over her, considering her for a long and tense spell. A wisp of purple energy traveled down his arm, gathering in his palm. It happened in a blink, coming and going, dissipating before Mathias could see for certain what the king had done.

It startled Anduin enough to make him stumble backward. Shaw felt Jaina’s eyes upon him, and he glanced her way. If he was rattled before, the fear etched upon Jaina’s brow shook him to the core. Anduin winced, breathing hard, shaking out his hand before leaning back against the wall. Shaw knew better than to be staring when the king’s eyes began to roam their faces for a reaction.

So.. you know... He hasn't been great for a while.

Also, just considering it now, when Anduin winces and shakes out his hand after calling on the void, is that implying that the Light/Divine Bell hurt him for it? Cuz that's what it reads like to me 🤔

And if the Light has left him, does the Bell still bother him? Or is that gone too? Questions questions.

[cherryblossomforest]

I've been dealing with my mother wound which if you don't already know feels like I'm on fire. Like a constant burn. It's torture, to say the least. Lately I've had to skip songs that have no connection to her at all but it still brings my mind back to her. It's like she's contagious, and just everywhere.

I can't do much about it because she can never be in my life and a lot of us, if not all of us know this. She's not nicknamed Satan for no reason. My family and friends know she can't be in my life and they'd be greatly concerned if she was back in my life. I just feel like I'm on fire.

I thought I forgot how we felt when we left almost 10 years ago. We ran. She was at work and we got family to secretly get all our things out of her house before she can't back. The absolute terror. My dad helped and I was so scared because she hated him and I was majorly betraying her for leaving let alone for allowing him back into her house without her knowing.

That whole period is blank. No memories. The safest place was my dad's home with DB and my brother. I was 17 and so scared. When my family asked why I left I said I couldn't do it anymore and EVERYONE said they understood.

Suddenly these feelings have been coming back. I think there are only 3 entries in my journal where we talk about missing her. About the pain of losing a mother or at least the pain of accepting she was never a mother. I was always waiting to leave. I was always dreaming of running away from her. I thought everyone would be mad at me when I left but what I didn't realise is 99% of people hate my mother. Her own siblings and everything. None of them like her. Hate her even.

Yet I'm here trying not to melt into a puddle of grief wishing she knew where I lived so she could find me. There weren't many good moments with her but I learned to love the bad. I learned to accept everything and walk on each and every eggshell. I learned her like the back of my hand and I gave her everything. I put myself in thousands of pounds of debt for her. I gave and gave and gave. I laid down my entire life just for her and she was killing me. I couldn't breathe. The more space I gave the more she took and by the end I was in too deep and I couldn't get out.

My dad spent months taking me home trying to convince me that I'd be safe without her. That I would be okay. He saw all the light in my eyes drain and he didn't even know what was going on.

Maybe it's the fact that I wasn't supposed to survive my 17th birthday but I did. I didn't die and I had no plans past that. So 2 months later I left full of fear.

Anyway this song has been the song that's been screaming my mother lately.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Well, that's all right because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? Well, that's all right because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I can't tell you what it really is I can only tell you what it feels like And right now There's a steel knife in my windpipe I can't breathe But I still fight while I can fight As long as the wrong feels right It's like I'm in flight High off her love Drunk from her hate It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love her the more I suffer I suffocate And right before I'm about to drown She resuscitates me She fuckin' hates me And I love it "Wait!" Where you going?" "I'm leaving you!" "No, you ain't! Come back!" We're runnin' right back Here we go again It's so insane 'cause when it's goin' good It's goin' great I'm Superman with the wind at his back She's Lois Lane But when it's bad It's awful I feel so ashamed I snapped Who's that dude? I don't even know his name I laid hands on her I'll never stoop so low again I guess I don't know my own strength *** Now I know we said things Did things that we didn't mean Then we fall back into the same patterns Same routine But your temper's just as bad as mine is You're the same as me When it comes to love You're just as blinded Baby, please come back It wasn't you, baby, it was me Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano All I know is I love you too much To walk away though Come inside Pick up your bags off the sidewalk Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk? Told you this is my fault Look me in the eyeball Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall Next time? There will be no next time! I apologize even though I know it's lies I'm tired of the games I just want her back I know I'm a liar If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

[mana-sputachu]

I want to say all the questions, but:

I. 3, 4, 6

II. 1, 4, 14, 15

III. 2, 12, 15

IV. 2, 3, 9, 13

Hey nonny!

Are these for IoriChi or the OT3? Or both?

I'll go with IoriChi or the post will be ENDLESS, but if you want it for the OT3 too/whanted just them just let me know!

I. PRE-RELATIONSHIP

3 - Who felt romantic feelings first?

Theirs has been a slowburn, but I'd say Iori, despite trying his best to NOT falling for her, since he had been already burned by previous relationships.

4 - Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

As said earlier, Iori tried to resist because his previous relationship ended up badly for different reasons (his first fianceé, picked by his clan, had died trying to stop him from going Riot for the first time and clan members didn't warn her; despite all that, Iori ended up having a few flings in high school, included his first boyfriend, but their relationship wasn't the healthiest). Also, the fear of going Riot on the people he loves is always there, in the back of his mind, torturing him.

6 - What was their "flirting stage" like?

There wasn't acutal "flirting", not in the way one would think, at least. They mostly started to care for each other since the beginning, starting from very "common courtesy" things to realcare: Chizuru stumbled upon Iori after his girlfriend died, and kept him company because she didn't want him to be alone in such a horrible moment; Iori then did the same for her when Maki died, showing up at the funeral and let Chizuru cry and scream and let all her pain out. After that, Iori started visiting the Kagura Shrine often, at first just to check on her, only to find himself more at ease with her as the time passed; Chizuru enjoyed his company and appreciated that he started to lower his defenses around her, showing sides of his personality he would usually keep behind a wall.

II. GENERAL

1 - Who initiated the relationship, and how did they go about it?

None of them, technically. They had developed the habit of spending time together just talking, hanging around, enjoy each other's company and also scouring Chizuru's family archive in the hope to find clues about the Orochi curse. And one night, thanks to a couple beers, they just kissed. When I wrote my first English fic about them I wrote this moment from Iori's PoV so it would be easy to say he felt the need to kiss her… but I think Chizuru had the same idea or else she would have refused, lol.

4 - Were they each other's first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

No. Iori had a fianceé picked by his father and clan who died because of the Riot of Blood (Iori still feels responsible for it, despite not being himself during it and the clan not stepping up and trying to stop him), and his first boyfriend when he was 17 in highschool (but as said it wasn't a great relationship, and left him a bit wary of relationships with men), plus some other minor flings. Chizuru also had a few flirts but nothing that lasted more than a few months: I've explained it better in this post but long story short, not only she's busy running the Shrine and the Kagura Enterprise, but also Japanese men like quiet women who obey their desires, and… well, Chizuru isn't anything like that. She's a fighter, her fights are broadcasted live during the Tournament every year, as well as her keeping Firebois in their place. Something the average Japanese man wouldn't like in a woman at all.

14 - What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

Dreams - The Cranberries

And now I tell you opendly/You have my heart so don't hurt me

This line here yells Iori so much, imho. And we'll ignore the fact that I used it for other ships of mine, not my fault I'm attracted by the tragic disasters

15 - What is their most common argument about?

The Orochi Curse. Iori is pretty much resigned to die within his 30th birthday (despite still being terrified of dying), while Chizuru is determined to find a solution for it (and in one of my fanfics, she did). So they often argues about scouring the archives of her family hoping to find a solution, and doing the same in the Yagami/Yasakani archives since Iori refuses to go back home just for this (but since in my verses he has a twin sister, Chizuru asks her to bring some documents everytime she comes to see her brother). Even worse when the idea of asking the Kusanagi to see their archives: Chizuru is sure Saisyu would accept, but Iori refuses still hiding behind the feud and also because of Kyo (who would complain because KYO).

Minor arguments are usually about Chizuru's love for spicy food, because it happened that she didn't brushed her teeth after a meal, and when she kissed him not only on his lips Iori didn't appreciate the sensation XD

III. LOVE

2 - What are their primary love languages?

Mostly small gestures, and look out for each other: during the Years Chizuru learned Iori always finds himself at ease when he's at the estate and around her, thanks to her Yata powers keeping Orochi sealed, so she lets him falling asleep and take naps at her place knowing he'll finally have a good rest without nightmares; she would usually hug him and brush his hair until he's fully relaxed.

Iori on the other hand loves to cook, so he's always the one cooking meals when they're together, keeping in mind what she likes more and stocking on her favorite spicy snacks and spices. He's also in generally very protective.

12 - Who remembers the little things?

Both, mostly because being both rich picking gifts for each other is a challenge (they can easily buy any pricey stuff they want/need), but it's mostly Iori's love language: he despises the spicy food Chizuru adores, but always stocks on spices, spicy noodles and everything she might enjoy for when she sleeps at his place (or to buy if he spends the night at her estate, since he usually cooks); he'd also would buy those spicy chocolate bars because he know Chi would like them, the vodka she prefers (my beloved couple of functioning alcoholics), the wax she uses to take care of her bike or new leather gloves if the ones she uses are too worn out.

15 - What gifts do they typically give each other?

As said in the previous questions, they mostly gift each other small things that would mean a lot to the other: spicy snacks for Chizuru (Iori travels a lot with his band, so he always looks out for something she might like), books she might enjoy, etc; Chizuru knows Iori loves music, books and cats, so small trinkets with cats on it or cat-shaped, bands t-shirts or nerdy ones (my Iori collects both, along with bi-pride shirts), etc. Small gifts, but that are 100% guaranteed to be loved.

IV. DOMESTIC LIFE

2 - If they get married, who proposes, and how do they do it? Would they change their surnames?

No real proposal (not in the classic trope way), I always imagined it happening while they're talking something vaguely related (like, Mai finally having the wedding of her dreams or something, or just talking about Iori moving to the Yata estate). I don't think any of them would change their last name, to keep both clans still "alive".

3 - What is the wedding like? Who attends?

No wedding, they elope. At first Chizuru wanted to have a ceremony with all her friends, mostly because everyone (Mai especially, but also her clan) seemed to have expectations… but she ended up getting incredibly stressed by the whole ordeal, so Iori just proposed her to elope, go away somewhere nice just the two of them and then, if she still wants it, have a party once they're back in Osaka.

9 - How do they celebrate holidays?

It really depends by what kind of holiday it is and if one of them (or both) are busy with their jobs - mikus are busy daily running the Shrine, and Iori might be out of Japan with his band or busy recordings new song/a show/a concert/etc. But when possible, they enjoy spend their free time together relaxing, or booking a trip when possible (like during the Golden Week).

13 - Do they have any "couple traditions", or family traditions?

Not really. A tradition they had, born after Ash stole their treasures, was to meet up weekly at a bar to drink and… complain about it, or complain about Kyo being always uncooperative when it comes to their duties as 3ST, or Iori finally admitting he'd like to befriend him, but knowing that after years of fighting and death threats it won't happen, not easily anyway. They had broken up at that point (Iori broke up with Chi because the fear of going Riot on her and repeating the same terrible mistake never truly left him), so this tradition ended up turning into a way to get close again…

Thank you for your ask!

[babybabymerrychristmas]

im gunna be honest with y'all.... the lyric "everything had been above board, she wasn't sure" has been living in my head rent fucking free since i heard it.

in the context of her talking about her own power over joe alwyn, it genuinely makes tortured poets very difficult to listen to and portrays the latter half of her discography in a very different, unhealthy light if you view it from joe's perspective.

imagine someone with 10x the amount of fame as you moves to a different continent to continue dating you within like what a few months of knowing you? it's love-bombing to me, i don't see how it's not. and then to create an album where the narrative is "i found my future husband and this love is all i need in my life fuck fame it hurt me too much i need to change my priorities in life to continue being this happy ive decided to choose love this time" like what, a year, if that into your relationship??????

if someone did that to me, it would make me sort of uncomfortable and if i was younger than i am now, i wouldn't know how to get myself out of that situation if that person decided to change their mind and stay in the public eye because they learned the lesson that cancel culture is not real if you learn how to manipulate public narratives to your advantage.

and then the second album they release is like thinly veiled threats of leaving you if you don't propose soon and y'all are like 3 years into your relationship at this point. and then i guess maybe you've realized that you dont want to get married or be in the public eye the way your partner is in the 3 years of people calling you a fake partner, a pr stunt, and a secretly closeted beard for your partner and not having your partner stick up for you at all in any way that matters. and then your partner starts wearing all black with tiny rainbows and singing sad love songs during her album promo publically?????????

like idk this is not even getting into her behavior during the pandemic and rat bastard tbh because imagine then. she starts writing songs about love triangles with you, and maybe she starts talking to her friend who she had relationship rumors fly around her publically or maybe even worse, you know that they did have something going on during the time yall were just casual fwbs or whatever but she swears there's nothing between the two of them right.

and then she writes midnights songs with him, shows up at his concert and then breaks up with u like 2 months later????????? bro, I'd become the fucking joker ngl.

idk it's just interesting to view it from joe's perspective because like dude what the fuck was going on in her head honestly.

[wandringaesthetic]

Regarding Hozier - Oak Mountain Amphitheatre 5/5/24

(setlist, journal, commentary)

Allison Russell opened and I need to give her a listen she has a very beautiful, soulful voice. Funky band and very lovely backing harmonies. A powerful, sunny presence, if a little corny, talking about harm reduction and voting and power.

Had a great time, didn't have a religious experience, though I've found this has as much or more to do with my state of mind as it does with the performance. Made me appreciate a lot of Unreal, Unearth more, which has been my least favorite of his albums (I think the theming makes it a little structurally awkward, and there are some songs on it (butchered tongue, eat your young) that I don't like listening to most of the time because of subject matter.) I realize there are many songs on that album I would still like to hear live (All Things End would be amazing, I think) though I was very happy to hear Francesca [I'D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT] It threatened to rain the whole time but never did more than sprinkle until we were in the car leaving. Distant lightning started on Nina Cried Power. Doors were supposed to be at 6:00 and we were let in about 6:40. There was a guy who works at the amphitheater in line ahead of us, who, from talking to some other employees, said the fire marshall was there and they were patching some things up for inspection (?? !? ???). The facilities are nice, the food sucks. We were seated right behind the VIP boxes.

I typed the setlist on my phone as the concert went on, and while I can sing along to most of Hozier's songs I don't know the titles of all of them, especially on Unreal, Unearth. So here's my raw notes with commentary from my more lucid Monday morning self in brackets

-De Selby [backdrop landscape with timelapse photography style spinning starry sky, very beautiful, very beautiful song]

-? Unreal unearth track with first order guy [Hux, Domhnall Gleeson] in the video [this is De Selby pt. 2]

-Jackie and Wilson 

-Too sweet [With this hitting #1 I thought perhaps I would be at this concert while it was still #1, a bit of serendipity since I bought these tickets months ago - alas, it's sunk down below most of the tracks on The Tortured Poets Department. Thanks, I hate it]

-Oh to be alone with h you (th God that heroin prays to) [Alone With You - I thought I didn't know the title of this one but I did]

-Dinner and Diatribes

-Francesca [I'D TELL THEM PUT ME BACK IN IT]

-It will come back [wasn't confident of the title of this one but I was correct]

-Cherry wine [Hozier solo - he looked up mid song to find that much of the amphitheatre had their phone lights out. He paused and put a hand to his heart and seemed to genuinely have a little moment]

-From Eden

-Wildflower and Barley (with Allison Russell)

-Like Real People Do

-Unknown nth (?) (see how it shines) [actually this was Abstract (Psychopomp)  I told you I did not know the titles of these. Also, now knowing that this is (in part) about an animal hit by a car is well 1) this is obvious and I feel very stupid 2) holy fuck]

- I don't know the title of this one still living roots consumed by the flame oooooooo [this is Would That I - always thought of this one as a sequel to Arsonist's Lullaby]

-Almost (sweet music) (with highlights on the band) [notably, part of the backdrop for this is pictures of records of all the song references/title drops that are in this. In case you did not Get It. Hozier will not be at peace if you do not Get It. To be fair there are a couple of them I would miss]

-Eat your young

-Movement

-Take me to church 

Encore:

nina cried power [with preceding commentary about the history of protest, about the American civil rights movement directly influencing civil rights movement in North Ireland, about boycotting apartheid south Africa, Free Palestine! about movements being seeing the truth as it is and saying that it should be better, etc. (extremely paraphrasing) This went over positively, which is always a nice thing to experience given location (ALABAMA) but the people queueing to buy Hozier tix (the show was sold out and IIRC was sold out in less than 24 hrs after it went on sale) are at least somewhat aware and approving of his politics. May not be gen. pop. but you'll never be alone.]

The being unknown angel to me [THIS is Unknown/nth]

Work song [with Allison Russell, who is notably Not A Coward and did not change the pronouns. I don't know what Allison Russell's sexuality is but she's at least an ally what with the rainbow coalition stuff. Phone flashlights out again.]

[maryse127]

Spotify Wrapped Summary :)

Artists

To the surprise of absolutely nobody: Taylor Swift

Nobuo Uematsu - also not surprising with how much I have been listening to Distant Worlds arrangements, some of the older Final Fantasy osts and of course the FF7 Rebirth theme song

Coldplay! I know I listened to them quite a bit and even had like a few weeks where I only listened to them but still wasnt expecting this

Masayoshi Soken - I cannot figure out if I am more surprised at him being higher than Yoko Shimomura or at Coldplay being higher than both of them. Anyway, can you tell that I started critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XIV's Free Trial this year? Also Square Finally uploaded the FFXVI soundtrack. But too late to get Away in the Top 100 songs. With how much I listened to my CD rip of that ost my Wrapped would have looked quite different if Square had dropped it on streaming earlier

Yoko Shimomura My Beloved - I actually got to meet her at a concert in Berlin and rode that high for an entire week. But apparently I didnt listen to her music as much this year. Probably because I have been listening a lot more to other Final Fantasy soundtracks besides XV this year

Songs

No Promises to Keep (Final Fantasy VII Rebirth Theme Song) <- important addition as there is at least one other version of this song in my Top 100 by Nobuo Uematsu vocals by Loren Allred - When a short version of the song was performed at last year's Game Awards I knew this would be my number one song (if it was released on streaming, which it did). Like months before the game even came out. And yet here we are. Not even counting all the times I listened to my youtube rip from before it was on Spotify. And the times I listened to my CD rip because yes I got the single CD of this in Japan for more money than it's reasonably worth

Can't Catch Me Now from The Hunger Games The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie by Olivia Rodrigo - I am nothing if not a Hunger Games fangirl. I also just love this song. Also also it fit very well with one of my daydream scenarios which played a role in listening to this on repeat

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? by Taylor Swift - My absolute favorite song from the new album. And also played on repeat for the same daydream. But also I just love it.

Too Much is Never Enough by Florence + The Machine - 3rd consecutive year that this song makes the Top 5. I am not immune to Songs From Final Fantasy XV

Melodies of Life ~ Final Fantasy also by Nobuo Uematsu of course. The (English version of the) Final Fantasy IX ending theme. Vocals by Emiko Shiratori. Wasn't the biggest fan of FF9 but this song is beautiful. Also different scene in the same daydream continuity.

Was gonna do Top 5 and some special mentions but Top 6 because I would have loved it if it had made Top 5: The Call by Regina Spektor. Anyone remember Prince Caspian? Beloved 2nd Narnia movie from way back in the day? I sure do. This song is soooo pretty. This movie lived rent free in my mind when I was 15. I watched it with a friend a while ago. She had never seen it before but she liked it too. I still knew at least half the dialogue by heart. I am also still not immune to Ben Barnes.

Special mentions:

The other Songs From Final Fantasy XV come in at 8 for I Will Be and 12 for Stand by Me

List seems to mostly be from Taylor Swifts latest album The Tortured Poets Department, my Final Fantasy Distant Worlds and Final Fantasy vocal tracks playlists, the Xenogears, Final Fantasy XV, XIII, and VII Rebirth soundtracks (VII Rebirth being just a a few song preview of the full ost) and Coldplay's album Magic

Last year's number 1 Electric Touch by Taylor Swift and Fall Out Boy is still pretty high up at 15

Last year's number 2 Cruel Angel's Thesis however has dropped to 98 which is very symbolic of how intense yet shortlived my Evangelion obsession was last year

Remember when I said there was more than one version of No Promises to Keep? The Band Version (with Nobuo Uematsu's band) is on 17. The instrumental version of the game version is on 34, the instrumental version of the band version is on 50

Highest scoring entry by Yoko Shimomura (patron god of this blog) is Somnus (Instrumental) Distant Worlds version at 14 which is shockingly low. Next entry is Somnus Ultima at 18. Valse di Fantastica comes in at a shockingly low 22. Noctis theme is at 46 which is insane to me. I failed both my blorbo and my god

There's only 4 Taylor Swift songs here that aren't from TTPD which is shocking to me. Some of the TTPD songs that are here are like skip songs to me nowadays too.

Despite being my number 4 artist Soken has 0 songs in the Top 100. If Square had dropped the FF16 ost earlier Away and Ascension and Hide, Hide Away would have been here for sure.

Valse di Fantastica came on while writing this post and holy fuck why is it so low I love this song

Coldplay's highest entry is Magic at 58 which is low for my 3rd artist but at least they are on the list unlike Soken XD

Other notable things

On July 5th I streamed the most: 671 minutes aka more than 11 hours. The Wrapped wonders how I did that. Well, that's just what a 13 hour flight to Japan does to you

(If you are wondering why my 15 hour flight back isn't here: I watched like 8 hours of Netflix on that flight)

Spotify's genres are always bullshit but I had an actually accurate one for the month of May: Nerdy Vocal Soundtrack. I am pretty sure the Distant Worlds concert was in May so it tracks that it peaked there. Unlike what Spotify claims this wasnt a phase tho. It's just me

While writing this post the Distant Worlds version of FF9's Vamo'alla Flamenco came on and just shoutouts to this song being amazing and double shoutout to the guitar soloist at Distant Worlds. Dude got so much applause and rightfully so. That whole concert was hype af but this song was one of the best moments.

Anyway, send me a number 1-100 and I'll post (and probably ramble!) about whatever song placed at that number!

[mayarism]

05.22.22 – abby

Dear Abby,

I miss you already! Please come back soon. I know my couch is a torture device for you to sleep on, so I’m thinking of giving it away and replacing with a futon once I have enough money.

5.22.22

update: I gave away the blue couch successfully. you will no longer have to suffer from it. how have you been doing in kansas? have you been reading or watching anything lately that you’ve enjoyed or connected to?

I also would love song recommendations for the summer if you have any to share <3

songs I’ve enjoyed lately –

palo santo – saint joshua; summer afternoon vibes, goes well with lemonade and sunglasses

king – florence + the machine; listening to this helps me find courage in myself somehow. goes well with wearing chainmail armor and embracing your insanity

sister 2 sister – ibeyi; reminds me of us

cigar – tamino; the music video for this has been on my mind since I watched this a month ago. gave me a mini existential crisis.

[whatiwillsay]

I dunno if this is helpful for anyone but I just read the transcript of Taylor’s speech in Tokyo about TTPD and this is what she said about the timing:

“And I’ve been keeping it a secret for awhile, because I’ve been working on Tortured Poets since right after I turned in Midnights. So you turn in an album months in advance, so you can make vinyls, which are the best, and I started working on it immediately after that. And I’ve been working on it for about two years. I kept working on it throughout the US tour, and when it was perfect in my opinion, when it was good enough for you, I finished it.”

I think I read she turned in Midnights in April/May 2022 to make the vinyl deadline. So she started TTPD then and that adds up to the around 2 years now. Vinyl deadline was likely October/November? But then there’s the whole anthology that wouldn’t have to meet that deadline.

i think the vinyl deadlines would be a decent amount later (see the timeline for london boy being on lover for example) but yeah at large this is a decent timeline and still makes complete sense for the muses of joe, matty, with two wee little songs about travis (plus songs ab olivia, kim, snakegate, and depression amongst others)

but also “working on tortured poets” just means in the process, not finished with the whole album on day 1, so let’s keep that in mind! it does seem likely now that the alchemy is about a game from 2023 and not specifically the super bowl but that works fine and has always been an option for us.

[tanniefm]

christmas & chill | jjk (m)

sequel to all to you

summary - it’s the most happiest time of the year with your needy boy.

pairing - jungkook x reader (f)

genre - established relationship, pwp, fluff

word count - 3.7k

song inspo - the entirety of ariana grande’s ep christmas & chill ofc!

warnings - reader and koo are hopelessly in love sigh, lots of cum, unprotected sex (pls don’t be dumb like them i beg), koo kinda switches lowkey sorry, overstimulation, hint of dacryphilia, koo’s a lil crybaby, extremely needy koo, praise, riding, backshots yayyyy, oral (f receiving), squirting, cum eating, pet names (ur his angel <3), reader is chubby coded (is that a thing? i’m making it a thing), reader suffers from FPS (fat pussy syndrome) whilst jungkook suffers from FDBS (fat dick and balls syndrome) 😞

a/n - a lil gift from me to u ♡ thank u all for all the love. i wanted to post something for christmas as a 2 year anniversary to my first ever fic i posted on here. hope u enjoy this as much as i enjoyed writing it. see u next year!!

♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪♪°•°∞°•°♪°•

The semester is over, finals are a thing of the past, and your lovely new boyfriend is coming over in 15 minutes. Merry fucking Christmas to you! 

Due to finals being obnoxiously cutthroat this year, you’ve barely been able to spend any time with Jungkook. He offered to help you study multiple times, but you felt it would be more responsible to study on your own without any…distractions. You learned from last time that studying with him ends with materials being forgotten and clothes being strewn about. So for two weeks, you put a sex ban on the both of you so that way when you were able to reconnect, it’d be 10x better. Jungkook reluctantly agreed but had a huge pout on his face that you oh so lovingly kissed away. Ever since you two made it official, it’s like all you ever think about is being grossly lovey-dovey with him. In your defense, he makes it a little hard not to. He’s the sweetest boy in the world, of course you wanna shower him with kisses and endless praise and let him pump as much cum into you as his heart desires! The look on his face does you in every single time, just thinking about it is making you squeeze your plush thighs together. 

You shake your head to re-focus on the task of getting ready. Your roommate has the same plans as you do with her own significant other so she notified you she’d be gone for the weekend with a sly smile. Fortunately for her, this means she won’t have to hear the headboard banging rhythmically into the wall at 3 am anymore - well, at least for the weekend. You’ve decided to pamper yourself a little before he arrives. Showered, shaved, moisturized, spritz some sweet-smelling perfume, and even put on a little bit of makeup just to make yourself feel extra cute. You put on some fuzzy pink shorts that make your legs and ass look good, and a tank top with Hello Kitty positioned right in the middle of your boobs. You look and feel so fucking good right now. ‘Jungkook’s gonna bust in his pants again,’ you sigh blissfully to yourself. However, tonight you want him to fill you up completely. It’s what you deserve after such a stressful month of non-stop studying and crying over due dates. You give yourself a little smile in the mirror before you walk to the living room to turn on the tv for background noise. Watching movies is the last thing on your mind at the moment.

Your head springs up when you hear melodic taps on the door. Anytime Jungkook knocks, it has to be to the tune of whatever song he was listening to earlier, it’s a habit you’ve always found to be endearing. You skip to the door happily, excited to see your favorite boy.

“Hey angel, I got us- mph,” you interrupt his sentence with a deep kiss. Fuck, you missed him so much. Although you’d never admit it to his face, as he tends to get a bit cocky (which never lasts once you’re on top of him), this sex ban has been torture for you. You made the foolish decision of adding that neither of you was allowed to touch yourselves while you cracked down on studying. So to say you were pent-up was a gross understatement. You parted from him for air and saw how dazed he looked. Pink cheeks and shaky breaths. Just like always.

You smirk and look down at the bags he has in his hands. “You got food? Aww, you’re too sweet, come in! It’s freezing,” you say innocently. You grab the bags of takeout from him and usher him inside. He’d like to blame his rosy face on the cold wind, but you and him both know you just caught him off guard. And turned him on a little. These past couple of weeks have been what Jungkook would imagine hell is like. And then to add the extra challenge of not masturbating? November is over! What happened to Destroy Dick December?? Nevertheless, he’s ecstatic to see you again. He has so much to give you. He knows you can take it, he just wonders if he can. Other than his incessant horniness though, he’s just as excited to curl up with you under your warm weighted sheets and hold and kiss and love you endlessly. He walks inside to see you’ve transformed the living room into a cozy holiday getaway. Fairy lights decorated the tables and doorway, soft music flowed throughout the room, chilled wine set out on the table, and you, looking as gorgeous as ever. God, he’s so in love with you. He wants every holiday season to be spent with you by his side. He plops himself down on the couch and stares at your pretty figure retreating to the kitchen to collect plates and utensils. He notices that you’re wearing the short fuzzy shorts that he likes. The ones where he can clearly see the soft thighs he always imagines rutting himself between. Maybe if he’s good tonight you’ll let him. His dick slowly hardens at the prospect. 

You come back with eating materials in hand and sit next to him closely on the couch. “What’s all this for?” he asks distractedly. He notices you’ve also put on the perfume he can’t get enough of. It’s subtle enough to not mess with his sensitive nose but sweet enough to keep him wanting more. He wants all of you. Right now. “I thought I’d make the atmosphere nice and warm for us since it’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to be alone together,” you say smiling brightly. You dig into your food ignoring your very erect boyfriend. “You aren’t hungry baby?” you ask with a slight pout. He shakes his head slowly and scans your body up and down, seeing that you’ve foregone a bra. Your nipples poke through the little tank top you’ve thrown on and he desperately wants to lean down and put them in his mouth.

You snicker at how obvious he’s being. You knew he’d get like this as soon as he saw you. You’re surprised he didn’t crumble and fall to his knees the moment you kissed him. There had been many nights throughout these past few weeks where he’d text you alluding to wanting to see you, touch you, taste you, anything. All of which you would shut down and sternly tell him to not touch himself. “The only one that’s making you cum this month is me, do you understand?” you had firmly told him one night. He whimpered and whinily agreed. He’s such a good boy, your good boy.

Now with you right in front of him, looking the way that you do, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. You laugh and swallow the last bite of your food and turn to him. “Ok ok, I get it,” you say as you lean in to kiss him. He immediately wants to deepen it but you push him back before he has the chance. “Don’t you want to make a little toast first?” you don’t think he could get any poutier. “If I drink this wine can we have sex after?” you giddily nod and pour your glasses. “To us,” you clink your glasses together and watch as he hastily downs his whole cup. This is definitely gonna be a long night.

Without even considering letting you finish, he dives in for another long kiss. You smile into it and place your glass on the table to focus your full attention on him. Tongues dancing for dominance that he beautifully succumbs to. You climb on top of him slowly and straddle his firm thighs. You’ll never get over how such a strong man will willingly submit to your every whim. He’s so perfect. 

He runs his hands up and down your sides and feels how soft you are. He knows you’ve been insecure about your body in the past, but he’s always loved it. Even before you agreed to be his girlfriend, he’d savor any ounce of physical contact with you if it meant he got to feel your tiny squishy self against his lean muscular form. Your thighs squeeze around his hips and you push your heat against his straining bulge. He moans wantonly. This is what he’s been craving. Your warmth on top of him. The only thing that could make this better is you letting him inside of you to feel it completely. He bucks his hips into yours to hint at what he wants. But you know, you’ve known since before he walked into your place. If he had things his way, he would’ve picked you up and taken you on the front door. But he enjoys the teasing and the waiting. He enjoys the thrill of not knowing what’ll happen next. He enjoys anything you’ll allow him. 

Your kisses descend upon his jaw and neck as his cold hands fiddle with the hem of your tank top. He gives you a pleading look, silently asking if he can take it off, which causes you to nod as an affirmative. He quickly takes it off and leans back to do the same to his own shirt. Seeing his bare chest will forever be a treat for you. You're sure he could say the same if his ogling of your boobs is anything to go by. “You’re so pretty,” he sighs. His pupils dilate as he softly squeezes them in his hands. “Wanna suck on them,” he mumbles. You giggle and tell him to go ahead which he does swiftly. There’s something lethargic about watching him suck and play with your nipples. Even when not in a sexual context, he likes to have you in his mouth absentmindedly. You’re starting to think it’s become a comfort thing for him. He looks so at peace. His cold fingers contrast his warm tongue and it only adds to your pleasure. You rock against him harder which causes him to part from your nipples to whine. 

“Please- please can I be inside of you? I need it, I’m so full angel please,” he rushes out. “You wanna fill me up baby?” you respond gently, cupping his face with your hands. His doe eyes framed by your fresh set of acrylics is such a pretty sight to see. He nods and whispers another please. He looks so good when he begs. You wish you could take a mental screenshot of this moment.

You get up to discard your shorts and lacy pink panties while he impatiently just tugs his pants and boxers down to his knees. You’ve decided he’s had enough teasing for the night and quickly guide his throbbing length inside your embarrassingly wet pussy. He lets out a sob as you bottom out on him completely. You give yourself a brief second to adjust and let him recuperate from everything that happened in the last 60 seconds or so. You give him a small peck and ask if he’s ready, to which he replies with a soft yes and squeezes your hips for emphasis. With that, you slowly lift your hips and plop back down with a quickness. He’s so fucking big; not only is he long, but he’s slightly thick too. He’s always leaving your poor pussy sore but he fills you so fucking well you can’t find it in you to care. You set a fast pace as you’re overcome with your own need to feel good. You can’t wait for him to cum inside you. The moment you told him you were on birth control and that you were ok with him finishing inside he almost lost his mind. You’ve come accustomed and even excited to feel his love filling you in the most physical way. 

His hands grip your hips firmly as he throws his head back and takes the pleasure he’s receiving. You’re squeezing around him tightly and bouncing up and down on him so swiftly, he feels like he’s basking in the glows of heaven. “Ahh ____ you’re gonna milk it out of me fuck,” he moans loudly. His voice tends to heighten in pitch whenever he’s close and his eyes start to water as if he’s on the verge of bursting into tears. This however, only encourages you to get him there quickly. You wanna see tears streak down his face as he releases two weeks’ worth of cum inside of you. You bet he has so much. It might even overflow. With this thought, you move even faster, telling him to keep his eyes on you. “Don’t close your eyes baby, I wanna see those pretty eyes when you cum inside me ok?” you tell him. He tries his hardest to keep his eyes open, but the tears in his eyes cloud his vision. He blinks profusely in an attempt to clear them. He wants you to be the only thing he sees. He’s gonna cum any second now. It feels too good, you’re overwhelming his senses and he can’t hold it anymore. “____! I- fuck I’m cumming I’m cumming I”m sorry I can’t hold it,” his revere breaks as you feel spurts of warm cum release deep in your heat. You gasp and furrow your brows as you halt your movement. Pleasure racks through both of your bodies as you both cum together. You rock your hips back and forth to ride it out but it only causes him to whine loudly in overstimulation. He wants to go again. He still has more to give you.

“Keep going please I still have more,” he says breathily. Unfortunately for him, you are far too tired to keep riding him. Your legs are sore and you’ve frankly overexerted yourself. ‘Maybe I should take up on his offers on going to the gym,’ you think offhandedly. You place your head next to his ear and pant, “Fuck me baby, c’mon. Do whatever you want.” It’s almost as if a flip switches in his brain as he’s given permission to fuck you in any way he pleases. At this, he grips his hips and lifts you up slightly to pound his cock into you. His balls slap against your soft pussy as he sets a quick pace. You feel like a little doll with the way he fucks into you. You can’t help but notice that even when he’s fucking you like this, manhandling you into any position he wants, he’s still whining and looking at you with complete and utter adoration. He pulls you in to give you a sloppy kiss as he cums for the second time that night. He moans into your mouth as you feel the tears that seem to continuously fall from his eyes on your cheeks. He pulls away to give you both a chance to breathe. 

His forehead rests against yours as he gasps for breath. You feel his cock twitch inside of you. “Kookie..are you still-” you stop yourself as he buries his head into your chest and cries. “M’ sorry I just- I missed you so much. I’ve been wanting this so bad angel. I just wanna fuck you over and over again. I’ve been saving it all for you. Just like you told me to,” he sobs into you. Your poor baby, he’s been suffering more than you thought he has. You wonder how he would’ve coped had you not have added the dumb “no touching yourself” to your little challenge. Probably by stroking himself to the thought of you every night. You clench at the thought. He lifts his head with widened eyes. You didn’t cum! And he did! How selfish could he be? He gently lifts you off of him and lays you back on the couch. He gives you a big, loving kiss and makes his way downwards. “Wait! Not on the couch, this shit is hard to clean,” you hurriedly say. He smiles bashfully and picks you up to carry you to your room.

It’s like you weigh nothing to him, a sentiment that makes you blush and giggle into his neck. He smiles and pecks your head before he flops you down on your soft sheets (that’ll definitely need to be washed thoroughly once he’s done with you). He gets down on his knees and looks up at you. You are nothing but a goddess in his eyes. The love of his life. He’ll do anything for you. You stare back at him and card your nails through his hair, gazing at him tenderly. This is exactly how it should be. Him on his knees staring up at you in awe, and you, pushing his head straight to your cum-filled pussy. You’d laugh if he didn’t instantly wrap his lips around your swollen clit. 

He runs his tongue up and down your cunt, cleaning it the best he can whilst simultaneously trying to get you to climax on his tongue. He fucks his tongue into you as he brings his chilly fingers to your clit. You yelp and moan loudly. “Fuck yes, just like that baby. That’s so good,” you praise. His bright eyes look up at you as he rubs your slick bud in circular motions, his tongue never stopping its pace inside. He parts from between your thighs briefly to whisper to you “Please cum for me angel. Wanna make you feel good,” and goes back to eating you with intent. That does it for you, you see a burst of white behind your eyelids as you cum messily on his face. This has got to be the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had, as you can’t stop shaking and trembling. He kisses your shaky thighs and caresses them softly to bring you back down.

He kisses his way back up to your face to check if you’re ok. “You alright?” he asks delicately. He pecks all over your face as he sees you slowly but surely come back to him. When your eyes flutter open, you’re shocked to see that his face is drenched. “Did I…,” he smiles brightly and nods. “I made you squirt angel,” he says with a grin. He’s lucky he’s cute, otherwise you’d be extremely annoyed with his cockiness. He looks so proud of himself though, so you’ll let it slide this one time. While you’d love to just pass out and deal with the mess later, you can’t help but notice the incessant hardness poking your stomach. “One more?” you question. He pouts once more and nods with pleading eyes. “Just one more, I promise,” he says. You relent and turn over on your stomach, maybe if he goes easy on you, you can even rest a little while he reaches his peak. But this is Jungkook, of course that’s not going to happen.

He grips your hips and hikes your ass up to get you into just the position he wants. He’s kind enough to put a pillow underneath you so as to not strain your back as much. The tip of his cock has been leaking ever since he got on his knees to eat your pretty pussy that he loves, and the throbbing was starting to become painful. He runs his dick through your folds to slicken himself up and whimpers when the tip catches onto your slit. With a soft kiss to your back, he thrust himself inside. Since he’s eaten you and stretched you so thoroughly, there’s no need for you to adjust, so he starts jackhammering into your cunt right away. He still feels so full, he loves the sound of his fat balls pounding away your plush little pussy. When he feels this good, he can’t seem to keep quiet.

“Mmmm this is so good, so fucking good. I’m so sorry baby, I can’t stop. I wanna fill you over and over. Look so pretty with my cum stuffed inside of you,” and here come the waterworks. He’s so sensitive, fucking you like this almost hurts. But he can’t stop, not until he’s completely empty. His thrusts are nothing short of quick and concise. He loves when you let him use you like this. Nothing but sounds of your wetness, his balls pattering against your bud, and the sounds of your combined moans run throughout the small apartment. You’re definitely gonna get another noise complaint.

“Baby, you can slow down it’s ok, don’t overwork yourself,” you plead. His tears almost make you want to stop him altogether and give him a chance to calm down. Jungkook, on the other hand, has no intentions on stopping. “No! I can’t, I need to keep going! Please don’t make me stop I wanna cum again please please please,” he sobs. He’s so close, he can feel it swirling in his stomach. He just needs a little more and then he can finally milk all the cum he’s been saving for you out of him. You, incidentally, are close to cumming too. In fact, you’re learning that this feeling you’re experiencing is that you’re about to squirt again. “Koo- oh my god, I- baby I’m gonna-” you stumble. “Me too, me too, fuck. Let go angel, make a mess on me again,” he rushes out as his thrusts increase. He spits on his fingers and runs them along your hard little bud. You try to muffle your scream into your pillows as you release all over his chest and your sheets. Seeing and feeling you squirt all over him causes him to reach his climax as well. He pumps every last bit of cum that he has inside your battered pussy as he thanks you profusely. Just as you expected, it overflows and drips back down your thighs. Jungkook collapses as softly as he can on top of you as you both breathe heavily. His cock finally softens and he reluctantly pulls it out as gently as he can. 

As he heavily plops himself down next to you, he sees that you’ve knocked out, already snoring lightly. He chuckles and pulls you into his chest. “Thank you angel. I love you, so so much,” he whispers. This is exactly what he wanted for Christmas. You safe in his arms and full of his cum.

[neonacity]

ARCANE | CH.9 | NCT DREAM X READER

Summary: When you decided to apply for a researcher post in an elusive institute, you already had the feeling that you’ll be getting yourself knee-deep into something out of the ordinary. But desperate needs require desperate measures, and so you embraced the invite, despite all the alarm signals urging you to run away. What you found out was nothing you’d ever expected.

Seven boys.

Seven human deviants granted with abilities tied to the legendary Arcana Cards.

Welcome to Project Dream.

Pairing: Various Dream Members x Reader

Trigger Warnings/Themes: violence, torture, trauma, very slight yandere themes, poly dynamics, suggestive themes, language, psychological, mystery, sci-fi. Romance will take a little bit of a backseat on this one since this is more of a suspense-driven plot, but it will still be threaded in the overall story. The concept of the tarot or Arcana cards will be loosely used throughout the series. Note that I am not a trained doctor so there may be some slips here and there about medical things. Again, this is a work of fiction and I am not implying any likeness between the characterization here of the boys to their real life counterparts. I also reserve the rights to all my work—I do not post anywhere else other than tumblr. Minors DNI.

> CH. 1 | CH. 2 | CH.3 | CH.4 | CH.5 | CH.6 | CH.7 | CH.8

Chapter Song:

Mad Hatter > Melanie Martinez | Middle Finger > Bohnes

The glow of your phone screen threw harsh shadows against the walls of your room. You’ve been sitting on your bed in the dark for god knows how long now, still wearing the same outdoor clothes and muddy boots from your trek to Rosewood. You barely have any idea what happened in the space of time after you've discovered the framed pictures in the strange room, but somehow, you've managed to haul yourself back home in one piece.

Well, maybe 'managed' is too far reaching for a word to use.

Ten and Kun have kept quiet for most of the ride, but you know both boys were able to catch onto something from the way your phone was blowing up at the moment from texts from both of them. You ignored everything, not only because you have questions you can’t answer yourself, but because you don’t think you have it in you anymore to convince them that you’ve only seen one lead during your search—the shot of the seven boys that proves they were indeed occupants of Rosewood. You just felt drained. Maybe even numb, except for that one seedling of emotion that has been slowly weighing down your chest every passing second.

You took a second to put a name on it, turning it in your head despite your focus trying to shut down on you.

It wasn’t surprise.

Not even desperation.

It was way worse.

It was betrayal.

The call tone of your phone fell on deaf ears as your hands tightened around your blankets. Your chest was hurting and the back of your eyes felt hot even though they remained dry. Before you even realized what you were doing, you hurled yourself up from your bed and grabbed your phone. Kun's name was flashing on it, but you quickly swiped the ignore button as you hurried to the door, hands grabbing your car keys and nothing else.

*******

Cypher looked even more ominous at night. With the lights dimmed down and the hallways almost empty, your hurried steps sounded louder and foreboding as they bounced against the pristine white walls of the Institute. While you would have come in here with a little bit more caution before, your eyes stared ahead now, your jaw set as you went down the corridor you’ve walked so many times in the past few months since you signed up to this mess. For some reason, you just know where to go, despite not even having the confirmation that you’ll find what you were looking for. Briefly, your conversation with Renjun back at the greenhouse flashed through your mind again as you made a turn at the corner.

“She knew what she was doing when she put you there as bait.”

“And I don’t understand why. Why me?”

“Maybe because we’re interested in you.”

“None of you even know me.”

“That’s debatable.”

You gritted your teeth now as the words echoed in your head. They didn’t make sense before, but they do now, like a sick punchline to a joke you were too late to realize was about you.

They know.

They’ve always known.

You stopped on your tracks at the far door at the end of hallway, the same one where you’ve first met them from behind the camera lens. Without wasting another second, you swiped your ID pass on it before pushing it open.

Seven pairs of eyes swiveled towards you in unison, their owners seemingly caught in the middle of conversation. Haechan and Mark were in the middle of a game of pool when they looked up while Jisung and Chenle were on the sidelines, fixing the billiard balls. Renjun was sitting with Jaemin on the bubble seats close to the pool table and next to them was Jeno who was leaning against the wall. Your eyes briefly went over each of their faces, your chest constricting as you took all of them in. Chenle, who was closest to where you are, gave you his usual beaming smile while the others looked on with the same pleasant surprise at your sudden barging.

“Noona. Why are you here? It’s the weekend—”

“Who are you. All of you.”

Your voice sounded hard and on edge when you cut him off. You didn’t even realize how your shoulders started to slightly shake, your hands balling on your sides as you tried to steady yourself. It didn’t even take them two seconds to get what you were talking about, the air in the room shifting as their smiles slowly bled from their faces.

You thought you heard your heart break in the silence that followed.

“Princess…”

“Don’t fucking call me that!” you finally snapped as you turned towards Haechan. The boy immediately stopped, but the look he gave you didn’t calm any of the emotions now threatening to pull you under. Instead, you turned towards Mark who you noticed just stepped a little closer to where you are. He kept his distance, but the way he held himself somehow told you he wanted to make another move. You shook your head at him.

“Why do you know my father?”

The moment you said that, you saw a look of guilt flash in his eyes. His jaw locked, as if he was looking for the right words to answer you with.

“You went to Rosewood…” Renjun filled up the momentary silence as he picked himself up from his seat. His gaze was full of understanding, and for a brief second you wondered if he was getting inside your head again. This time, however, you didn’t care. If anything, you wanted him to do it, just so he can spare you from trying to sift through all the questions that were almost making you feel numb.

“Yes. Like you planned to,” you said, your voice shaking. You reached out for your phone and showed it to them, the screen frozen on the photo you took of them with the man. All of their expressions changed—some with pain, others with guilt. “How do you know him?”

Mark finally decided to break the silence.

“He’s… the Headmaster of our school.”

His reply made you frown.

“Since when? Did you know him for a long time?”

He exchanged glances with Renjun before nodding.

“He was there… before we were even sent to the orphanage. He helped raise us. We knew him since we were kids.”

It felt like every fiber in your body lost its sense of feeling. You looked at him defeated, an expression he reflected back at you with the same look of guilt everyone else was wearing. It was the answer you were expecting, but also the one you were praying not to hear because it only proves one thing. All those nights he left you. All the days you grew up wanting nothing more but a parent…

He was being a father to them instead.

You’ve never hated the man. Even with all the holidays spent alone, the closed doors, and the story books never read, you never hated him, mostly because he wasn’t even there that much in your life for your relationship to breed such an intense emotion. At one point, you’ve trained yourself to live with the fact that your father has dedicated himself to his work. You didn’t exactly know what it is that he was doing, but you were able to convince yourself that he has submitted himself to a grand purpose. Maybe he was trying to save the world. Maybe what he was doing can change the lives of many for the better. Because what else can be more important than those kinds of lofty, heroic goals that can push someone to always put their own daughter—their only remaining family—in the back burner?

As it turns out, seven boys is all it takes. Them and probably others who have gotten the same care and attention from him that you haven’t had a taste of yourself.

“Did you know… that I am his daughter all along?”  

The air in the room has gotten so heavy that you could swear you were almost choking on it. Jaemin answered, his voice low and calm.

“Yes… We figured it out.”

“Where is he now? Do you know why he left?”

This time, nobody dared give you a reply. Nobody even looked up to meet your eyes. It was too much for you that after a while you actually crossed the room and reached out to Mark.

“Please. You don’t understand. He’s the only family I have. Give him back to me.”

Any other time and you would have flinched at the way your voice broke. After all, you’ve worked so hard to never to let anyone see inside of the walls you’ve painstakingly worked to build around yourself. But you couldn’t care this time, not even when the look Mark gave you told you that you wouldn’t like his answer. You could see it—how he was being torn from the inside too.

“I wish we could, but we don’t know where he is. He—your father… tried to protect us. Cypher was after him first because he knew everything about the Arcana holders. He went away to take them far away from us, and we haven’t seen him since.”

Your were convinced your heart had stopped beating for a moment as his words sunk in. You stared at him, hoping you could see any trace of lies in his face, only for you to be let down again. Nobody dared move or say anything in the room. You didn’t exactly know how long you just stood there, immobile, until you slowly took a step back.

“So he left… for all of you. Again.”

The corner of your lips tugged as you gave a nod. You didn’t even have the energy to look at them. Finally, you turned and started making your way out the door. You’ve only gone a few steps when you felt a gentle hand reach out for your arm. Blindingly, you turned around to come face to face with Jeno. For the first time since you met him, he looked at you without the unreadable mask he always keeps on whenever you got too close.

For the first time, he actually looked like he cares. 

“I told you… You’re only going to get hurt.”

You felt too numb to even react. You simply shook his hand off of you before you left the room in dead silence.

*******

Apparently, five days is the longest length of peace you can have until something blows up in your face again and pile over the things you've already been trying to avoid.

Granted, you cheated on having it by taking a sudden work leave, but for once, you felt liberated over breaking the rules. Since that night of confrontation back at Cypher, you filed for an indefinite absence and have turned off all possible channels you can be contacted on so you can focus on other things. You can't really say you're doing a great job at it though, not when you've been spending the last half hour staring at your screen trying to finish a page in your thesis. Sure, the last five days have been quiet, but as expected, silence doesn't necessarily equate to making your problems magically go away. 

You groaned softly now and removed your glasses to pinch the bridge of your nose. Maybe you shouldn't have turned down Mijeong's invitation for you to go party with her tonight, but of course you had to regret your decision too late. Mulling over it a bit, your eyes finally landed on your phone lying face down and looking very much abandoned on your desk. It was half-covered by your study notes now since you haven't touched it for days, but it still took you a good half minute to finally reach out for it. With a slight sigh, you finally turned it on, your eyes squinting a little bit at the glow of its screen.

It didn't even take ten seconds before the ringing sound of notifications assaulted your ears. You winced. Just as expected, you got dozens and dozens of messages and emails, some for work and the others mostly from Ten and Kun. You bit the inside of your cheek now in guilt. You haven't really reached out to them since you disappeared, which, now that you think of it, was a very asshole move. Before all the message alerts came in, you already opened Kun's contact so you can send him a message of apology.

You've barely even typed your first word in when the last of the texts finally registered on your screen. You froze when your gaze locked on the last one. You haven't even gone through the messages before it, but the one sentence alone resting on the foot of the chat window made your heart drop to your stomach. It was just eight words, but they were enough to make your blood run cold.

'You have to come. They are hurting them.'

*******

The sound of your sneakers thundered down the long hallways as you ran. You were heaving, but you didn't stop as you tried to call Kun for the hundredth time since you saw his message. He just sent it today, about an hour and a half ago, but that was still long enough for things to have gone south. You cursed under your breath. You didn't know where you were going, but when the line dropped again, you went to the first place that you knew he could have left a trace. You almost stumbled in front of the entrance of your office, fingers almost slipping on the knob as you hurriedly opened it.

Kun was not there, as you already expected, but a wave of relief went over you as you saw the light of the wall of monitors in the center of the room. He left every single one of them open to give you the clue you needed to trace the boys. A splitting pain was making your side hurt, but you ignored it, your eyes set instead on scanning every single screen in front of you.

You finally found it on the middle row, though the live feedback on the screen momentarily made you hold your breath. It was a view of an unknown room showing a top view of the boys staring off at something on the other side. You can't hear what any of them were saying, but you didn't have to…

Not when the look of horror and anger on their faces told you everything you needed to know.

Your eyes quickly scanned them, and then a second realization finally made you hit the ground running again.

Everyone was there.

Except for Renjun.

*******

It barely took you another minute to find the lab room, but it still felt like forever before you skidded to a halt before its doors. Your palms have gone sweaty by now that you had to try and steady your hand as you tried to scan your access card while fighting to catch your breath. At one point, you felt almost hopeless thinking you are not allowed access to the room, but then a small green light beeped to life before the mechanical doors started hissing as they parted. They have barely opened halfway when you slipped inside, your eyes wild as they went through the room.

The first thing that registered to you was the half glass wall that separated the space into two sections. It was unlike any that you’ve visited within the Institute before, this one looking more like the interrogation rooms one would see on police stations where people can observe from the other side. Your eyes landed on the six pale faces looking at you now with the same expression of urgency, but your attention was soon enough torn from the boys when you heard a muffled scream from beyond the glass wall before you.

It felt like all the blood in your body was drained when you realized what you were looking at.

The other side of the room was brighter than the section where you and the rest of the boys were standing, the harsh fluorescent lights only putting more emphasis on the sparse set-up that was laid out before your eyes. There was an odd-looking machine similar to an encephalogram unit on the side of the room, currently being manned by a gaunt looking woman in a blue lab coat. It has the same sigil that you have on your work uniform, though you knew you’ve never seen the lady before in the months that you’ve worked here. Briefly, you remembered what Kun said a long time ago about Cypher having its own circle of private doctors and researchers—a unit that was entirely separated from the regular research team of each project of the Institute. Back in a control panel before her, wires stuck from the machine down to the middle of the room...

Where Renjun was strapped on a seat, looking barely half-conscious.

“Oh my god.”

“Noona, please help him.”

You didn’t have to turn around to recognize Jisung’s voice. Instead, you quickly jumped to action, running close to the glass wall instead and looking for any slot you can use to pry it open. You knew the only way to reach the other side was through here because you didn’t see any other door before you came in. Your hands ran through the wall, but your palms were only met with the feel of the smooth, icy glass.

“There’s no entrance here. We tried. It must be a secret door on the other side,” Jaemin spoke this time, his voice sounding the most stressed than you’ve ever heard him before. “It’s bulletproof glass, too.”

His words made you curse under your breath. You turned to them abruptly, and for the first time, you realized some of them were also injured.

“Are you—Are you okay? What’s happening?”

“We were all picked up today and was put on different stress tests. They were—they wanted us to project our full abilities,” Mark answered. The look on your face must have been so severe because he immediately tried to follow-through before you can even utter another word. “We’re fine. But Renjun, he can’t take it. His body resistance is weaker than ours. We have to get him out of there.”

“How long has he been there?”

“Maybe fifteen minutes,” Chenle answered. There was a small cut under his eye that was already starting to swell. Jeno, who was beside him, closed his hands into fists.

“Long enough.”

Your knees felt weak as you turned towards the window again. Just as you did, a flash of bright light went off in the room beyond that made you flinch. It looked like a spark of electricity, and it was soon followed by Renjun’s anguished scream from the other side. His slumped body straightened like a rod from the shock before he curled in again on himself. The wires taped on his temples moved as his head hung low after the shock.

They’re… electrocuting him.

“Hey! Stop! Open the door! I’m his doctor! You’re hurting him!”

You screamed at the top of your lungs as your fists started banging on the glass in front of you. The lady turned to look at you briefly, her beady eyes seemingly checking for your identity. When she seemed to have confirmed that you weren’t part of whatever division she came from, she simply turned back to the machine again and pressed a button there.

This time, Renjun barely moved. He flinched, but other than his neck rolling back to rest against the chair, he seemed to have lost consciousness already. A small trail of blood trickled from his nose. Your arms stopped banging against the partition, your expression shell-shocked as you stared at him.

No…

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

Whatever shock has frozen you in place snapped as you heard a low voice from the other side of the room. In the chaos that happened earlier, you barely even noticed Haechan who had said nothing since you came into the room, until now. One look at him sent a whole different kind of chill to spread over your body. He was so still, but the way he was standing told you that he was on the verge of snapping. Gone was the usual carefree air that he always seemed to carry before. Instead, he was almost expressionless… except for the rage burning in his eyes now staring at the woman.

“Haechan…” your voice sounded shaky when you called out to him. You took a furtive step towards him, but it didn’t seem like he heard you at all.

“...Touch him again and I’m going to rip her head off.”

You looked around in fear at the lady at the other side of the room. She was typing a set of commands on the small keyboard next to her machine, and you saw a small rounded countdown window show up on the monitor before her. She was powering it up. Gearing up for another round of shocks.

“Haechan, control yourself,” Mark’s voice made you turn back to the group. He is also looking at Haechan now, one of his palms held up in a placating manner. He was taking careful steps towards the boy and it took you a few seconds to realize why. The room was dim that you didn’t see it at first, but then you squinted and you noticed the way the air seemed to ripple around the other. It shifted and broke apart, similar to how broken pixels would look like. You stopped.

It wasn’t his illusions.

He was shifting the very dimension he was standing on instead.

“Haechan, don’t—!”

A soft buzzing sound started to come from the other side of the room. You didn’t have the heart to look at it, your wide eyes set on the boy before you, but it started picking up until it almost drowned the room with noise. You turned just in time to see the woman lift her hand, her finger moving towards the same button she had been pressing again and again. Lips parting, you started running towards Haechan, barely even noticing the huge black gaping void that burst behind him, its jaws open like a hungry monster. Mark shouted from somewhere you couldn’t really see and you thought you felt someone tried to pull you back as fingers grazed your arm. You slipped past them though, your hand closing around Haechan’s sleeve before they could even get a hold of you.

It happened all at once. The moment you touched him, there was a deafening shrill that pressed against your ears painfully as you seemed to have been lifted off the ground. It only lasted for seconds, but the next time you opened your eyes again, you were in an entirely different place.

You stumbled back a little and fell to the ground on your knees as your eyes tried to focus on what you were seeing. It was similar to the dark void that you were plunged in back at the arena, except this time, everything seemed to have been dissolved in darkness. No walls, no ground to stand on, even Mark and the others were gone, all except for you, Haechan, and an unconscious Renjun lying on the ground. A little ways from him, looking just as disoriented was the lady in the blue lab coat.

"Renjun!" You scrambled to your feet and ran towards the boy the second you were finally able to recover. Kneeling, you tried to cradle his head gently on your lap as you felt for a pulse. He has it, albeit weak, and you gently tilted his head back to keep his airways open.

"Where are we? What did you do?"

For the first time ever, you heard the scratchy voice of the woman who was pulled into this nether dimension with you. She sounded scared, and for good reason, as you saw Haechan step slowly towards her in your peripheral vision. Once again, a chill struck deep in your gut when you focused on his face. A small smile has pulled the corners of his lips again, but it wasn't anything like the playful ones he used to have before. Instead, he sized her up slowly, calculatingly, like a predator stalking his prey.

"Make a guess. You don't seem so mean now that your stupid machine is gone, huh?" He sneered. The woman tried to scuttle away backwards in her hands and feet, pale as a ghost.

"We asked you so many times to stop. Nicely too, but you didn't listen. Look what you've done to him, you stupid crone."

"Haechan… stop… We can go. Renjun is breathing," you tried to stay lowly, your voice barely above a whisper as you watched the boy continue to advance. He didn't even look at you, his lips pulling up instead in anger.

"Barely breathing. These stupid humans think they have control over us, when they’re not even worth dirt," he whispered, and you swear you haven't felt real fear until this moment. Everything about him screamed danger, a time bomb just in the fringes of blowing up everything in his way. Around him, the void started taking shapes, moving like bodiless shadows. They thrummed from barely held back energy, waiting for the command of their sorcerer.

"Keep away from me! You monster!"

The high-pitched scream of the woman only made Haechan give a breathy laugh. The temperature in the room had dropped so much that his breath even turned to vapor as he snickered. You unconsciously held on to Renjun, half of your body crouched over him as you watched the scene, terrified. You couldn't look away, not even with every fiber in your body telling you to run.

"Monster, hmm? I like the sound of that. Pretty big words to say so yourself after what you've done, but I'll take it," he shrugged as he finally stopped before her. The look he gave her was so withering that it actually made the woman give a soft whimper of fear. He smiled.

"Wanna guess what monsters do…?"

"They eat up weak people like you."

A shout of surprise was torn from you as a loud blasting noise split the air. The ground opened up, void-like branches springing from out of it to wrap around the woman's shaking form. They circled her arms, legs, and neck like vines before she was lifted into the air. She gave an ear-splitting scream before her own voice was choked off as the grip around her neck tightened.

"Haechan! Stop!"

The boy didn't even look your way, but a coughing, hacking noise came from the lady high up in the air as she was allowed to briefly breathe again. Haechan leaned his head a little bit to the side, as if deep in thought.

"Oh? Are you already giving up? Come on, you can't lose consciousness now. It wouldn't be half as fun if you can't feel what I'm about to do to you."

"No, no. You’re going to kill her—"

“That's the plan.”

"Not… real.”

Another scream sliced the air as the ropes of shadows that hoisted the lady up suddenly disappeared in thin air. She plunged back into the ground, her voice cut off at the sound of something cracking. The next few seconds that followed were silent, with you looking on with fear at the immobile form in front of you. Haechan remained still on his spot too, waiting for any sign of movement. His eyes had gone cold, emotionless.

Lost.

"Stand up. You can take more than that. I need to see what I can break next. Should I take your arms? Or maybe I can gauge your eyes out."

"Hmm? What's that?"

"This is not real. Illusions… you're just playing with my head."

For a moment, it seemed like time stopped as the weak gasping words of the woman hung in the air. Haechan simply stared at her, an unreadable expression in his face. The temperature around you shifted again, this time the cold completely taken over by heat. The air had gotten so thick, you could barely breathe.

And then he broke the silence again.

By throwing his head back and laughing.

"Ah, gosh. You really still think that I can only do illusions? I overestimated you ma'm. You're just not stupid. You're straight out dumb."

Your lips parted as you tried to wrap your head around what was happening. Haechan had started slowly moving again, this time with deadly intent in his gait. Things were starting to click in your head, as pinpricks started to climb your spine.

"Why do you think you're no longer behind the protection of that glass wall in your room, hmm?” he asked as light danced in his eyes. “It's because you're not even in that plane anymore… but in my world."

"Yes, mine. That means in here, I have my own rules. I can do anything. Which, again, only means one thing… Do you wanna guess what that is?"

Haechan smiled, and it was the most terrifyingly haunting thing you've seen. The realization hit you the same time his lips quirked into a smirk. He was never just a mage of illusions. He could shape dimensions, rip them apart and create new ones. 

He... is chaos himself.

"I can break you. No matter how many times I want to."

You moved before you even realized what you were doing. Scrambling from your spot where you were covering Renjun, you ran towards the woman just as the ropes of shadows sprang from nowhere again. This time though, they were shaped like spears, their ends pointed as they aimed for flesh. You managed to pull the lady by the arm to throw her to the other side of the room, but your limbs tangled together and made you trip. The last thing you could remember was a searing pain at your shoulder blade and the spears of darkness suddenly moving around to soften your fall as you toppled back.

And then everything went black.

*******

It felt like you were swimming back to the surface. Everything was so quiet and still that for a minute, you wished you could stay under the waves forever. You were floating idly in silence, body feeling weightless as your consciousness stayed in the middle of dreams and reality.

It didn't last long though. Just as you were about to drift into deep sleep again, a dull tint of orange started blooming behind your lids. The color started growing stronger and stronger until it finally made you frown and roll away. You wanted nothing more than for it to go but it persisted, like a small fire burning beyond your closed eyes. 

"I see you're still very responsive. Good girl."

The honey voice that sounded somewhere from your side made you open your eyes in a jolt. All of a sudden, the warm cocoon of sleep was torn away from you as you were finally pulled to the surface. You were still disoriented when you caught what looked like an IV line by your side but you managed to swivel your head towards the source of the voice. You locked eyes with its owner...

And found yourself freezing again.

Dr. Lee smiled at you, her perfect red lips tipped by the corners. They didn't quite match her stare, which was now trained at you with a mixture of barely concealed amusement and something much more… sinister.

"How are you feeling, darling?"

You couldn't quite wrap your head around what's happening at first. You could see and hear her… but none of the signals she was giving were still making sense in your head. You were trying… but before you could do anything, a throbbing pain by your right shoulder made you gasp. You almost sat up in shock at the feeling, but you were gently eased back into what you can assume is your hospital bed by her hands on your chest. You groaned.

"What happened?"

"There is a hole in your shoulder is the quickest way to explain it. I wouldn't recommend for you to move too much anytime soon."

That was all it took for you to go still again. As if a switch has been turned on, the last memories you had came flooding back to you in waves. You immediately turned your head towards the woman beside you who was now looking at you with an unreadable expression.

"Haechan and Renjun—"

"01 and 02 are being kept in a different facility. If you're wondering how they are, they're still alive. 02 sustained more… let's say, internal damage, but he is alive. 01 is unscathed, though he seems to need more treatment for mental distress after he hurt his favorite doctor."

The lilt in her voice made your stomach turn. The way he talked about the boys confirmed your suspicions as you read between the lines of her words and their undertones. You looked on to her, speechless at first. You felt hot and cold at the same time. Angry, but also terrified.

"You… were the one who ordered to give them the tests," you whispered. Her smile returned slowly as if she was relishing each word you said.

"I did, indeed. I had to make a couple of adjustments, but I believe I finally got to the sweet spot now… all thanks to you, honey."

You frowned in confusion. She crossed her legs in front of her and rested her manicured nails on her knee.

"You see, we have tried so many approaches just to tease those abilities out of those kids. At first there was the recommendation to use positive reinforcement on them so we could study their potential, but it became obvious after some time that it’s impossible to get their full trust. Sure, several of them did work with us but seriously… did they really think we believe that is all they can do?"

You stared at her in silent horror as you slowly processed her words. It was a good thing that you were lying down, because your head was already starting to swim. Whether she noticed your internal dilemma or not, you have no idea, because she simply went on with that same idle, satisfied smile on her lips.

"And then… you came and some of them actually started cooperating more. That's when we knew a different approach was needed. Maybe positive bribes aren't what's needed to crack them open, but another kind of motivation instead. After all, what pushes another person at their limit… than human emotions foolishly fixated on others?"

You wanted to retch. The random invite for the competitive drill back at the arena. The display of Renjun's torture in front of all of them. She had it all planned. All of it.

"You're hurting them…" you said in a tone that almost broke. Her smile widened and she leaned forward to run a finger down your cold cheek. The sharp edge of her nail barely grazed your skin, but it was enough to make your skin crawl.

"Well, yes. I needed to. I have to say… patience really isn't my strongest suit but I'm not going to break them entirely since I need them alive after all. Until they really show us what they can do though, we'll just have to do the same thing over and over again. Don't worry, their memories of the stress tests get erased when the mental trauma gets too much. We have the High Priestess to take care of that for us. We can't afford broken boys now, do we?"

Your breath hitched. Renjun can tap memories… which also means he can erase them too. Was that the reason why he was always sick? Because Cypher was using his Arcana on the others? Ten said that when the other boys started needing medical help, they couldn't even remember what happened to them. Their memories... were they being manipulated against their wills? 

"I decided to keep the Magician's memories of what he did to you though, just in case you want to know," your blood ran cold as you realized what she was talking about. "I think I like him better when he is a little… deranged. I've always thought that boy is special. Who would have even thought he was so so much more," she trained her brown eyes on you and you saw the way they sparkled with glee. "Chaos Magic. Disrupting dimensions… maybe even manipulating the very fabric of existence itself. With the right push, he can be more than what he can do right now."

"What do you want from them…" you managed to voice out despite the thundering sound of your heartbeat now pressing against your ears. At this point, you knew it was impossible to have a harmless reason behind the lengths she was pulling. Dr. Lee stopped as if she was mulling over your question.

"Have you ever wondered how it feels like to have the power to shape the world whichever way you wanted to? Not in the way money and influence can, no. But something greater than that."

Slowly, your eyes widened as you realized what she was trying to say. Your hands started feeling numb, the feeling starting to climb to your arms like frostbite.

"Jisung can power a whole country if he wanted to. Maybe even a nuclear project all on his own. Jaemin and Renjun are perfect for Intelligence use—no man can ever hide anything, nor say no to them. Chenle… Chenle can keep armies from collapsing, if he uses his ability to transform broken bodies back into their old selves. Haechan can turn everything to his favor if he wanted and Mark can be the perfect killing machine. Jeno has yet to show us what he can do, but I doubt it will take long for him to crack now."

You were speechless. You expected the worst, but not to this extent. You almost wanted to throw up seeing the look on her face. There was nothing on it but madness.

"You're going to weaponize them…" you choked out. Your words seemed to have triggered something in her, because she gave you her widest, wildest smile yet. Her hand hovered over your face again and it took you all you had not to flinch as she tucked a loose tendril of your hair behind your ear.

"Come on now, don't make it sound too bad. Maybe you're still too young to understand, but you'll get it soon," she locked gazes with you and your stomach turned at the chaos you could see in her eyes.

"After all, why be a savior if you can play god?"

*******

CHAPTER 10

A/N: Latest chapter is finally in after so long! Thank you so much for everyone who has tuned in to Arcane until now. I know the plot is really complicated so I appreciate all of you! As usual, enjoy! <3

PS. Let's all wish for Jeno and Chenle's speedy recovery from covid. 🥺

Taglist [OPEN]:  @negincho, @jhornytrash, @aaasteroidsky, @huangberryyy, @marijmin, @ashkuuuu, @reluctantserpent-101, @huskyhunny, @domojoo, @anaveragefangirl, @lostlovesoul11, @dreamisfelix, @lomlwoo, @coconuttiez8d, @jaehyunenthusiastsworld, @shininginthemoonlight, @bettyschwallocksyee, @w3bqrl, @smolpeyy, @chenlejjang, @kunssouschef, @thesunsfullmoon, @kpopstanforlifeuwu, @chokopocky, @azzygongez​, @tito-the-mermaid​, @jakeshuneybby​, @yutacchin​, @baehaechannie, @thefoxsleeps​

[andiwriteordie]

I love sending you asks (hope it doesn't bother you) (I might have angst Mike thoughts when I'm more coherent) : you are INCREDIBLE thank you so much for the food !!! I absolutely live for the way you put Mike and his relationship with his firebending ! I am absolutely loving everything you said so far!!!

NICOOOOOOOO <33333

my fellow angst lover!!!! thank you, i'm so glad you've enjoyed the little mess of thoughts that i have about all this au lol!!!

ok *cracks knuckles* i will try my best to give you some good ole fashioned mike wheeler angst. if i've rambled about some of this already, no i haven't, just ignore me <3

let's talk about this universe's rain fight.

(the song i was listening to while writing this in case you wanted the vibes)

i think i've alluded to some of the ideas nic and i have had with the rain fight and how it all fits into this crazy little world we've built! with queer couples being more prominent in the avatar world, we'd kinda decided not to have the homophobic society be as big of a focus, but rather to mike's insecurities with his bending be what begins to cause that distance.

@messrsbyler we should probably go back and revisit this... eventually because we had good ideas there but ANYWAYS. nic and i had started to discuss what book 2 (the equivalent of parts of st s2 into st s3) would look like and just how will's possession type of arc would come into play there. because, as we all know, will's freed from the mind flayer's control through... yep. his family literally burning it out of him, and nancy burning his side with that metal rod.

i'm not gonna get into too much of the specifics here (mostly because we uh. haven't entirely figured them out yet lmfao), but let's just all operate under the assumption that because mike is also a firebender, both he and nancy are there when will is getting essentially tortured to free him from whatever is happening with the spirits.

did somebody say mike having extreme guilt and a negative perception of his firebending?

so now we flash forward a few months into book 3 (st s3/st s4 combined), and we see mike and will aren't quite as close as they used to be. because mike... can't. he just can't. he looks at will and replays that moment over and over again in his mind—nancy's fire, will's scream, mike's delayed reaction. it's like a broken record in his mind, and we see mike begin to battle with those existential questions about his bending. his bending has been such a core part of his identity for his whole life, and he's tried everything he possibly can to just be good at it. to live up to nancy's standards and to his parents' expectations. firebending has been everything to him, and it makes up so much of who mike is and how mike perceives himself.

firebending is destructive though. mike has always known this in the back of his mind. it comes with the territory of being a firebender. you're warned to be careful—to keep control of your element, lest you hurt somebody else. fire is wild, and if you're not careful, it will harm and it will destroy.

and if so much of who mike is, is tied to his firebending... what does that say about mike too?

it all comes to blows one day when will confronts him about their distance. mike has been avoiding him, and will's not stupid. plus, will has his own shit that he's going through, and somebody talk about miscommunication trope, because god knows will is over here feeling something like a mistake or something broken after what has happened to him. and the one person who has always been there for him, to remind him that he isn't broken, and to hold him close and remind him how to breathe again... that person is pulling away.

neither of them are very healthy, and neither of them are very good at communicating. so when they fight, they fight, and they throw around harsh words and accusations. words are spilling out of mike's mouth that he doesn't mean. they're just reflections of how he sees himself. he's projecting his insecurities onto will. and his words? they're a fire—untamable, dangerous, and destructive.

it's in that fight that mike crosses the line, and he loses control of his words and of his bending.

his words: "it's not my fault you can't bend anymore!"

his fire: igniting sparks as he moves his hands about, the way he does when he gets angry like this.

and his best friend, left burnt and scarred, by both mike's words and by his fire.

for a moment, mike and will just stand there, because neither of them can quite process what's happening. will is stunned and obviously in pain—the gloves on his hands that cover the tattoos he's ashamed of burned right through, and his hands already beginning to blister.

and mike is just horrified. because this is exactly what he'd been so afraid of. he's never been that good at controlling his firebending. he's never been good at protecting his friends from the people who hurt him. and apparently, he's not so good at protecting his friends from himself either.

mike tries to reach out. it's second nature to make sure will is okay, and even though there are horrified, guilty, burning tears in mike's eyes, he moves past the shame and the guilt and tries in that moment to reach for will.

but will leaves. he's on his bike today, not his glider. he doesn't use his glider very much anymore. he hasn't since he was kidnapped. will leaves mike behind.

and mike doesn't follow him.

because now will's better off without his fire anyways.

(spoiler alert: mike follows will... eventually. *cue wheeler-byers-hopper roadtrip to find the twins*)