#but the search function is messing up so bad

[halfelven]

hii did you ever write a little fic about frodo and galadriel (and elrond i think) sailing to valinor, ive been thinking about it nonstop and the style was similar to yours? also i want you to know that everything you write goes straight to my heart have a lovely day :)

hi and thank you! 💗 i have written something about frodo sailing to valinor that has galadriel and elrond both in it. i hope this is what you were looking for! (and thank you so much for such a beautiful compliment and i hope you also have a very lovely day 💗💗💗)

[shaykai]

Okay okay okay consider Durgetash tether AU

Gortash & Durge are messing around with an artifact (from Mephistopheles’ vault?) and it ends up tethering them together (like Legend of Spyro- they can only move so far away from each other and the tether isn’t visible unless it’s actively being strained or interacted with)

They can’t figure out how to deactivate it, antics ensue (they can’t hurt each other while it’s active?)

Gortash has to put up with Durge being present in all of his meetings and just praying to god they behave themselves and don’t try to maim anybody/that nobody takes too much interest in their presence

There’s also the Urge- Gortash knows about it but now he actively has to help in dealing with it- whether that be going on murder sprees far too often for his liking or finding out the unfortunate consequences of neglecting it

Them getting weirdly close and open because they kind of have to be to function

Neither of them have easy access into their respective cult spaces/temples anymore- bringing a Banite into Bhaal’s temple is basically a heresy.

That being said, Durge can only stay away for so long before it’s problematic- it looks bad when they’ve been missing for a week and the last time they were seen was with Gortash.

Jump cut to Durge forcing Gortash to wear normal cultist attire and telling him to keep his mouth shut lest somebody recognize his voice.

Something about Orin cornering Durge and asking where they’ve been before realizing there’s a ‘cultist’ just. Standing there. Djdjdjjdjdjd Naturally she threatens to kill him if he doesn’t leave and Durge has to hurry up and make excuses and then probably run away with Gortash before Orin can clock that it’s him

Sceleritas is one of the only people who knows the situation and is tirelessly searching for a solution so that his “beloved Durge can be free of their greasy leach”

Something something people clocking that it’s weird that they’re always so close to each other (gonna say they can’t be more than 10 feet apart)- more so at places like Moonrise where nobody knows who Durge really is and want to know who it is that’s following Gortash around

Gortash having to deal with the gnolls because Durge refuses to leave them alone

Also Durge getting somewhat familiarized with mechanics and learning how they work

Ketheric genuinely not knowing that they’re tethered together for entirely too long

Balthazar being a problem if he ever finds out because he wants to do science

Also them having to learn how to fight while being stuck together

Something about their walk speeds being different- Gortash has a cane for a reason and it takes Durge a while to stop speed walking everywhere. (Gortash can match their pace, but after a while it does take a toll)

Messy sleeping arrangements

Them having to deal with each other’s triggers/really bad days TM

[karvroom]

BLACK MEMORIES

Bakugo x reader

⟢ In which you’re left to reflect on the negative memories of your past relationship with the blonde who stole your heart (and won’t give it back).

- based off the song ‘Black Memories’ by the Growlers

═════════════

You laid sprawled across your mattress in your dorm room. You melted into the multitude blankets covering your body, imagining the warmth of being cradled by your mother. The indescribable feeling of emptiness occupied your soul. You had tried everything in the past week to make the feeling go away; listening to music, hanging out with your friends, reading, even going as far as buying a coloring book. By no means, it was all hopeless. You were a mess.

Your room represented the state of mind you were currently in. Clothes littered throughout the carpeted flooring, homework papers left scattered across your desk, your dead laptop that remained open. Your curtains hadn’t been opened during the past three days. Your room was a cave. You chose to lock yourself away from the outside world and it was all over a failed relationship.

No matter what, you couldn’t get him out of your head. The hot-headed, arrogant, self-loathing excuse of a man.

You and Bakugo had been together for just about a year prior to your break up as of last week. You recounted the fond memories you had of the beginning of the relationship. The blonde had a soft spot for you to say the least. You were the only person he willingly talked to—even before you started dating. Bakugo told you it was because “you were the most tolerable”, but you begged to differ when you caught him staring at you in math class on numerous occasions.

Bakugo used to always find a way to make time for you in his overwhelming schedule. He may have been a busy guy, but nothing stopped him from seeing your pretty face in between his workouts and study time. You appreciated every second spent with him, loving him as much as you possibly could.

All that ran through your head was the blissful moments you had with Bakugo. You reminisced the good times. The high of sneaking around the dorm building together after hours creeping back into your depressive mind. The way Bakugo would always have his hands on you in some way. His arm slung over your shoulders as you laid your head against his shoulder. His thumb would glide over the skin of your arm, making you feel at ease. You loved how touchy he was. You missed it. Now all you could do was hold yourself and try to mimic the way he made you feel.

To everyone’s surprise, it was you who broke up with him. Your mutual classmates never would’ve guessed the hardships you faced throughout your time with Bakugo. You never complained, never visually showed any signs of not being okay, you were always upbeat and gleeful. That’s only because your friends were your distraction.

When you and Bakugo would have disputes or he was in a troubled mood, you would resort to going to your friends. You tried. You tried so hard to be there for him, to always check up on how he was doing. It just never seemed to be enough. He wouldn’t tell you how he was feeling or why he was acting the way he was. Bakugo was closed off to the world—and you weren’t an exception.

In the aftermath of it all, you were the one stuck at a standstill. You couldn’t function properly. This was the lowest you had ever been and it was all because of a stupid guy who could give less of a fuck about you and your well being.

You racked your brain, trying to recollect the truth behind the break up. All the arguments you had with each other, all the times he stood you up, every time he would lie to your face. You tried to come to terms with the broken promises and shattered chances that you endured. Yet, you would forgive him after it all. You were a pushover and you hated that.

You wanted to move on. You couldn’t stand to be stuck because of Bakugo. No matter how much you searched for the bad memories, there would always be a mirthful one resurfacing behind it all. You wanted to understand how it got this bad—how you allowed it to. Nothing put you at ease.

A knock came from your door. You hesitated before dryly shouting at the person on the other side, questioning who it was. When you received no response, you groaned, reluctantly pushing yourself up from the pile of blankets and stuffed animals.

You huffed, opening the door only to be met with the crimson gaze of your ex-lover. You could see the hurt in his eyes; the redness and glossy finish. Your eyes traveled his face, then the rest of his body. He carried a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a basket in the other.

“Hey.” Bakugo spoke after a moment of silence between you two.

“Hey.” You shamefully replied. You mentally face palmed, knowing you shouldn’t be talking to him. Instead, you should’ve slammed the door in his face, refusing any kind gesture he had to offer to you.

Who were you kidding? You couldn’t bring yourself to hate him.

═════════════

[i-am-hungry-24-7]

Bed all day - Simon "Ghost" Riley*GN!Reader

Just a short fluff inspired by my favorite song

content warning: 18+, mdni, hand job, morning sex

You crack an eye open, groaning at the beam of light pouring into the room because you didn’t close the curtain properly yesterday.

Stretching to pop your spine, you walk to the window and pull the curtain tighter, avoiding any bit of light interrupting your peaceful Sunday morning.

Simon is sleeping soundly on the bed, you always had a bad sleeping habit of kicking your comforter and making it pool at the end of the bed. On normal nights, he makes sure to pull it back to cover you in case you catch a cold, but last night he didn’t, and you gladly see that cause it means he’s having a better rest this time.

You lay back on the bed, it sinks slightly due to your weight, making Simon stir, hands probing around to search your warmness, and he lets out a small sigh when you snuggle closer to him and let his arms pull you by your midsection and tuck you back to his chest.

Your ear and his heart are just separate by his chest bone now, and you can hear his heartbeats, steady like a marching song, while you feel Simon's finger drawing small circles on your back.

“Did I wake you up?” You mumble to him, receiving a grunt and a little shaking of his head, his arms secure you tightly to his figure, so you squirm into a more comfortable position, and this is how you realize something is prodding at your thigh.

“Simon...” Oh, now he’s tracing kisses down your neck, his movements are slow, still groggy from his slumber, the finger drawing circles on you just a minute ago starts traveling down your spine, hands sometimes groping at your ass, sometimes trailing down to give your thigh little squeezes, as if he can’t decide what he wants more.

A shuddering moan leaves his lips when your hands sneak into his boxers, he’s hard, and precum leaks onto your hand when you start stroking him slowly.

“Naughty little thing...” Simon's eyes finally open, you can see the blurriness in those caramel-like eyes, but his gaze is stuck to yours, while you just give him a little swipe on his tip and make him choke back his teasing quip.

“You started it first, babe.” Faux innocence on your pretty face only turns him on more, but all those flirtings turn into little moans and groans when you speed up the pace, cupping his balls with your left hand, whilst your right hand swirls around his shaft, using his abundant precum as lube to slide your hand proficiently.

He buries his face into the crook of your neck, those hot breaths of his pick up frequency when he climbs to the peak of orgasm.

“I’m gonna cum, luv...slower...ahh...”Simon's hand catches your wrist in his, trying to control yours so he won’t come too quickly, so he can enjoy the delectation through his hazy mind just a little longer.

but you smirk when his hands tremble and fail to stop you “shhh, Simon, just cum, alright? I got you.”

The coos you say when you press your lips to his send him over the edge, a loud whine leaves him when the overwhelming bliss makes him lose other functions and become a moaning mess under your hands.

When he finally calms down, you already go to the bathroom to wash your hands, and clean him up with tissues.

Tossing the tissues sloppily into the trash can, you jump back on the bed, and Simon's arms snake around your waist immediately again.

“Want some breakfast?” You smiled sweetly up at him.

“Nah.”

“Just lay here?”

“mmhmm.”

You chuckle, your man truly needs some proper repose, and you can’t say you aren’t well-pleasing to just lay here all day. Sundays are a day for relaxation, and refreshing, and you are each other’s best company to purify your fatigued soul, so why not just lay here and enjoy the peaceful morning? You two have a whole day to indulge in each other’s soothing presence.

Simon already falls back to his dream, and you count his regular tiny snores, slowly but contently, joining him into the sleep.

[wrightingdungeon]

Happy Endings

I felt bad leaving Alex all fucked up like that, but this is the Happy End so yay

Fluff, Angst, tears, and fears all lay ahead

"Dear Diary"

2. "The Past Reborn"

Alex was a mess. If he wasn't lying at your bedside, he was curled up in his own bed, unable to function. He didn't know what to do—he felt numb, he felt scared. It had been weeks, and you still hadn't woken up. Your burns and other injuries weren't serious enough to send you to the city, but Harvey hadn't left the clinic, dedicating all his time to caring for you. The sight of you lying motionless on the hospital bed, bandages wrapped around your wounds, was etched into Alex's mind, fueling his fears and anxieties.

Haley stepped up and cared for Alex the way you and his grandparents would have wanted. She made sure he was clean and fed, pulled him out of bed, and made him walk around. She knew that physical movement, no matter how small, was important for his mental health. "Alex, they are going to be fine," she said as she brushed his hair, her voice calm and soothing.

"How do you know..." he replied dully, his voice reduced to a whisper for a while now. He avoided looking at his reflection, feeling a profound sense of hopelessness. "Harvey has them, you know how good he is," she said, looking into the mirror and styling his hair. She paused, ensuring her words would sink in. "He's the best in town. He's been taking care of them day and night."

"But what if..." Alex started, his voice cracking as he began to sniffle, his mind stuck on all the what-ifs that ran wild through his head. He couldn't shake the thoughts of losing you, the fear of facing a future without you. "What if they walk out of the clinic today, Alex!" Haley huffed, moving to kneel in front of her best friend. "What about that? They could walk out just fine. Harvey said they would be okay, it just takes time, baby," she said, rubbing his face and flicking away the tears.

Alex looked at her, his eyes red and puffy from crying, searching for any glimmer of hope. "O-Ok..." he sobbed as he pulled Haley into a hug, feeling lucky to have her as a friend. He clung to her, drawing strength from her unwavering support. "Thank you, Haley," he whispered, his voice trembling. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Haley held him tightly, her own heart aching for both Alex and you. "We'll get through this together, Alex. Just one day at a time," she said softly. She knew it would be a long road to recovery, but she was determined to be there every step of the way, for both Alex and you.

Sitting at your head, he carefully brushed your hair out of your face. “Hey babe… You are looking better…” He said, trying not to cry as he talked to you. “I… I think I need to apologize to Sam, huh?” He asked, a small, weak laugh escaping his lips. “He was the one who tried to kick the bomb away…” He said dully as tears fell down his cheeks. Laying down on the bed, he looked up at your sleeping face. “You're gonna be okay, Farmer…” He said, kissing your hand and avoiding the IV lines. “I’ll be here making sure you’re okay…”

Alex stood in front of Sam’s house, frozen in fear and guilt. He had attacked Sam and hadn't seen him since that day. Knocking on the front door, he bit his lip, wondering if he should just go. The door opened a moment later, and Kent stared at Alex. ‘Shit,’ Alex thought, having preferred Jodi answer the door. “Alex,” Kent said, his eyebrows raising slightly. “Come in,” Kent said, motioning for him to come in. Walking into the home, Alex breathed in deeply, trying to calm his heart from beating out of his chest. “Sir…. I wanted to say I'm sorry…” He said, looking up at Kent fully expecting to be decked back. “Don't,” Kent said bluntly, placing his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “I have explained to Sam that explosives are not toys over and over; he knows how dangerous they are,” Kent said, staring into Alex’s eyes. “He failed in placing the bomb so close to a ladder, thinking no one would come into the mines with them.” He said, his tone one of a soldier mid-war. “I am sorry Farmer had to take that failure.” He said, releasing Alex’s shoulder.

Kent sighed, his expression softening slightly as he continued, “But Sam has to learn from his mistakes. It's a harsh lesson, but it’s necessary.” He paused, glancing towards the door where Sam’s room was. “He’s been beating himself up over it too,” Kent said his face reflecting a worried father under the soldier facade. “Sam, get in here!” Kent called. A moment later, Sam appeared, still lightly wrapped in bandages himself. “Yeah, da-” His eyes fell on Alex before dropping to the ground, looking like a hurt puppy. “Hey, Alex…” he said softly.

“Get over here,” Kent said, watching his son. Sam dragged his feet moving in front of Alex, holding one of his arms for comfort, his eyes having trouble meeting Alex’s gaze. “Sam… I’m sorry,” Alex said softly, rubbing the back of his head. “What? No, I’m sorry, dude!” Sam said, looking at Alex in surprise.

“It was an accident, Sam… You got hurt trying to stop it…” Alex said, motioning to his still-hurt leg, the limp not gone yet. “I set the bomb off as well!” Sam said, tears welling up in his eyes and falling down his cheeks. “I hurt Farmer, Alex. It’s my fault…” He sobbed, his hands coming up to his face.

“Sam…” Alex whispered before gently grabbing him and pulling him into a hug, his own tears rolling down his cheeks. Alex clung to Sam, their tears raining down onto the rug as they both trembled with the weight of their emotions.

“It’s not your fault, Sam,” Alex murmured, his voice choked with emotion. “I didn't want to sell them to you guys, I should have said no, I didn't want you guys getting hurt either,” he admitted, holding Sam tightly as he cried. “Alex…” Sam sniffled as he wrapped his arms around him. The pair cried into each other, both giving apologies and reasons why they themselves were at fault. The dam broke and all the feelings and emotions flooded out. 

Once the two pulled apart, they couldn't help but laugh at each other, both eyes red and puffy, their noses a mess. “Thank you, Sam…” Alex said, hugging him tight again. “Thank you for trying.” He said, carefully squeezing him. “Thank you for not killing me.” Sam laughed as he held his friend back.

“I thought I’d lost you all for good,” Alex whispered, his voice trembling. “I was so scared,” Alex said softly.  “Me too,” Sam replied, his voice breaking. “Farmer will be okay,” Alex whispered softly trying to reassure both himself and Sam. Sam nodded, sniffling as he buried his face in Alex’s shoulder.

Kent watched the scene unfold, a mixture of sadness and pride in his eyes. “You boys are stronger than you think,” he said quietly, stepping forward and placing a hand on each of their shoulders. “We’ll get through this.”

It had been another few weeks, but Alex was starting to bounce back to himself. Eating and kind of working out again, he thought he would need to get back into shape so he could carry you around if needed. A quick knocking at the front door rang through the house. “One moment!” He heard Evelyn call out. Walking out of his room, he looked down the hall at the front door. The door opened to Maru, she had a wide smile on her face and was practically hopping up and down with excitement. “Oh hello dear, do you need something?” Evelyn asked sweetly as she stepped to the side to allow her inside. Maru shook her head no in response. “No, Ma’am, Farmer’s awake!” She cried out happily.

“Farmer…” Alex said, a smile splitting his face in two. He yelled an apology back to Maru and Evelyn as he almost ran them both over in his haste to get out of the house. His heart pounded with a mix of relief and exhilaration. He sprinted down the familiar path, Dusty's barks cheering him on, his mind racing with thoughts of seeing You again, awake and hopefully well. The weeks of worry and anticipation had weighed heavily on him, but now, with each step, he felt lighter, as if the burden was lifting. He couldn’t wait to see your face, to hear your voice, and to be reassured that everything would be alright.

As Alex rounded the final corner, the clinic came into view. He didn't feel his feet hitting the ground as he ran, barreling into Harvey's clinic nearly out of breath but fueled by pure adrenaline, making the older man jump out of his chair. “Sorry, Doc” he said softly, slowing down as he made his way back to you, his chest heaving slightly.

Pushing the curtain to the side, his eyes landed on yours, weakly open but open, a small smile on your face as you noticed him. “Alex…” Your voice was a bit hoarse, but it was your voice. You lifted a hand towards him, it shaking with the movement. Sitting on your bedside, he took your hand, kissing the palm. “Hi, babe…” he said into your palm before gently leaning down, hover-hugging you, not wanting to hurt you. “Harvey told me what happened.” You said as your hands felt Alex’s back, a small sob leaving your lips. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

He looked down at you like you were insane. “What are you apologizing for?” He chuckled as he wiped a tear of his that threatened to fall on you. “For worrying you,” you whispered, your voice trembling. “I know how scared you must have been.” Alex shook his head, his eyes glistening. “Hey, don’t even think about that. I’m just glad you’re okay. That’s all that matters.” He squeezed your hand gently, his touch warm and reassuring

“I… I…” You began, tears streaming down your cheeks, your body trembling with emotion. “I must have worried you so much.” Your trembling hands reached out, cupping his cheeks tenderly, feeling the warmth of his skin against your fingertips. “Farmer…” Your name escaped his lips in a choked whisper, reflecting the pain he felt seeing you in distress. Leaning in closer, he pressed his lips gently against yours, a silent reassurance in his touch.

“You're okay, that's all that matters to me,” he murmured softly, his eyes locked with yours, conveying his deep concern and affection. “You’re okay,” he repeated, his voice filled with sincerity as he tried to reassure himself as much as you. Brushing a stray lock of hair from your face, he pressed a tender kiss against it. “We are okay,” he affirmed, his smile offering solace amidst the turmoil of emotions. “We are okay,” you echoed, a faint smile gracing your lips, finding comfort in his words and presence.

He stood behind you, delicately brushing your hair, a gentle smile playing on his lips as he observed your reflection in the mirror. “There we go, almost perfect,” he murmured, his voice soft and tender as he leaned down to plant a kiss on the crown of your head. Catching Alex's eye, you looked up at him questioningly, sensing a hint of secrecy in his demeanor. “What do you mean almost, sir?” you teased, “It's just one thing…” You felt a slight weight being placed on your chest, causing you to turn back towards the mirror.

A gasp escaped your lips, and your eyes widened in surprise, as Alex beheld you, with the utmost care, adorning you with a mermaid pendant. “There, I think you look perfect now,” Alex said, a shy smile gracing his features as he looked down at you. Overwhelmed with emotion, you couldn't help but respond, “Oh, Alex, yes it is,” turning back to embrace him tightly. 

Time marched on, and you did heal, the scars left on your body a vivid reminder of how close you had come to death. That drove you two closer though, the reminder of how fleeting life is and that you never know what will happen, the reminder you should hold your loved ones close to yourself.

[the-badger-mole]

Okay okay okay so-

I've been scrolling through your Tumblr and enjoying many of your points but I have no idea what you're talking about when you refer to the "lava fissure incident" cause even being obsessed with the show I never read the comics

Can you pleaaaase give me a general idea? 🤠

I have addressed this before in a post that I think was better than this one, but I can't find it because Tumblr will do anything to "improve this cesspool of a site except make the Archive and search function better. If you want to look thorough my posts, have at it. I think I wrote it within the last 3ish years, but if, like me you don't have that kind of time, here's the nutshell version.

There's a scene in the "Love Is a Battlefield" comic where Aang is trying to talk to Katara about the kiss at DoBS, and she is trying to change the subject and get Aang to practice his firebending (you know, that thing he has to do so he can end the war?). Aang doesn't like that she's not willing to talk about their relationship so in fit of temper, he opens a lava fissure in her face.

Aang: Fine! You want fire? I'll show you fire!!!

The scene ends with Aang feeling sorry for himself, not that he let his anger lead him to almost hurt Katara with fire (again! And this time on purpose), but because he thinks he's going to get his heart broken. Because that's the important thing here.

What disturbed me most was how it was framed. We, the audience, are also supposed to feel sorry for Aang. Who just opened up a lava fissure in the face of the girl he claims to love because she doesn't want to talk about him kissing her. Keep in mind, this happens a few episodes before EIP, where Katara- having recently experienced Aang literally blow up at her for not immediately falling at Aang feet and declaring her undying love- hesitates to tell Aang what she feels for him. This scene, with Aang intentionally doing something that could've seriously hurt Katara, comes before the one where he kisses her without her consent. For the second time. It comes after the heartbreaking end of the DoBS invasion, where Katara's father was captured so Aang could escape. And, narratively, this is not supposed to be a major character flaw in Aang. We, the audience, are supposed to feel bad for him!! Had Zutara not been a thing, I would still hate Aang just for this.

The fact that Katara isn't hurt here means nothing to me. This is the equivalent of a guy throwing dishes at the wall, because he's angry, but not actually throwing it at his partner. I've had people tell me I can't use this against Aang because it's OOC.... Is it, though? Is it really OOC for Aang to throw a super powered tantrum because he's upset? Is it?

BTW, could Bryke have been any lazier with that title? Leave Pat Benatar out of this mess, please!

[distort-opia]

What do you think of how recent DC writers view and have been writing Joker?

Ah. Well, depends on your definition of "recent". I haven't fully engaged with comics published in the last year, to be honest-- not to the extent of keeping up with every issue and story arc. When it comes to Joker, I feel that Rosenberg was the most promising writer in the past couple years, what with The Joker Presents: A Puzzlebox and The Man Who Stopped Laughing... he actually wrote Joker as a mix of hilarious and terrifying, with depth and glimpses of vulnerability. But then Zdarsky made a whole-ass mess of him.

You could argue it wasn't his fault. Technically it all started with Geoff Johns (I say, through gritted teeth) and whoever in editorial also thought it was a good fucking idea for three Jokers to be a thing. Johns continued to hack his way through Joker's character by giving him a canonical name, because why not screw up one of Joker's fundamentals (a lack of a certain past). And then Zdarsky had to try and force all of it to make sense somehow... which, I guess, he could've done in worse ways. But it was still bad, and I still disliked the Zur-en-Arrh arc and Joker: Year One. DC keeps pushing Joker as an entity that's almost inhuman, a boogey-man only defined by a hollow obsession with Batman; giving him the backstory Zdarsky did robs him of so much agency and choice, of so much that used to make the character interesting. (Alas, I spoke about my opinion on this elsewhere in much more depth, but I can't find the damn post. All hail the tumblr search function.)

I haven't kept up with Ram V's stuff though, and whatever's happening in Detective Comics. I do know Joker shows up there, but I don't know if it's in a well-written way or not. Needless to say, I am a bit burnt out on Joker comics as of late. I'm still waiting for the stars to align so I can get back into things.

[contentment-of-cats]

WiP Bit - Thraralani

He's absolutely brilliant with tactics, strategy, and combat.

He's capable of missing everything else around him unless it's art.

Ziara has known this about Thrawn for most of his time at Taharim. In fact, a number of cadets and even some of the faculty call Mitth'raw'nuruodo her first command. She's been hammering him through upper division coursework because it's a very very bad no good never let it happen idea to let Thrawn get bored. It's like having a pusheen who has learned to open things and subverted it's feeding program like her late and beloved Mu'cher.

Hm. Having an overintelligent pusheen might be the best possible preparation for dealing with Thrawn. There's a thesis for you.

Of course, having him as her junior survival course partner is going to kick the firesting nest, but there are multiple reasons for doing so. One is that it keeps her friend in line of sight, therefore unlikely to dig himself a grave. Secondly, it keeps him out of sight from those who would push him into said grave and shovel for dear life. Thirdly, Thrawn misses a lot of things and he's missing a very important one and Ziara needs to correct this. Right now, he's intent on dinner, a new holochip of Late Middle Regency nightstone sculpture, and giving her half an ear about their upcoming two-week survival test.

"-and then I will take a chair and beat you to death with it."

"Sounds good."

"You didn't listen to a word I said, Thrawn."

He marks his place and then repeats every word she's said while Ziara restrains herself from pointless violence.

"Fine. You were listening. We ought to rest early since we don't know where they're going to drop us."

The mess is almost empty and Thrawn takes their trays to dump in the recycler before they walk back to their barracks. The rules of the survival test say only that they won't be dropped into hard vacuum or a toxic atmosphere without appropriate, tested, and functional equipment. Likewise, they will be warned about extremes of temperature since Chiss have diverged far enough from their human origin that they have lost their pores and hair aside from their heads, eyebrows, and eyelashes - they can't sweat. The testing grounds will be challenging, but unless one is stupid, they are not deadly.

Sometime in the night, they're drugged and wake up in a lifepod plummeting into atmosphere. Strapped into crash couches, all Ziara can do is watch the fire of entry and hope the heat shields held, Thrawn has the yoke in hand and visibly wrestles them into a controlled descent. There's just enough fuel in the tanks to scoot them out of trouble's way. The landing is rough, and the tanks are on fumes by the time the sun sets. They activate the beacon once firmly on the ground, then stagger to the sanitary unit before falling into bed to sleep off the tranks.

Morning is unpleasant. The hangover leaves Ziara feeling slow and stupid and Thrawn actively sick - a bucket between his knees and nothing staying down. Both of them are certified to operate the small med unit, she Thrawn gets fluids and medication while Ziara curls up and tries to sleep her way through it. Rations go down and stay down, and for some reason Thrawn has spiceleaf tea.

And eight layers of clothing.

A pair of multitools.

Knives.

He strips out of layer after layer until he's in his underwear and socks, looking pleased with himself and the haul of items on the floor of the pod.

"Oh, my life. Thrawn. How-?!"

"I knew that they'd come for us sometime this week, keeping us in the middle of the cohort for testing. So I slept with everything on my body as they are not allowed a body search."

Of course he did.

[sreegs]

i can't stress enough how much money you can save once you live in your own place by learning simple repair and DIY. since I live in the city, it's probably more common for me to encounter people who are actually fearful of picking up a drill and mounting something on their wall. however, it's so damn easy to do the absolute basics of home maintenance and DIY/hardware installation/just gotta mount something on the wall/whatever. do not think you can keep sticking things to the wall with blu-tack or tape, that shit does NOT last and you will ruin your walls with it

There's a MOUNTAIN of youtube videos that will literally save your life out there. Literally just search "this old house" and the subject you need, and you'll find the information you need. Does the video use words you don't understand? Google that and I guarantee you'll get videos that explain it. in detail. by very nice people.

even if you end up renting your whole life, you will eventually run into the need of fixing your toilet, replacing a light switch, mounting a TV on the wall, etc.

I don't want to turn this into a "home maintenance megapost" because it's hard to decide where to start and where to end. However, I have a few general tips and advice for you:

Safety first

should go without saying, but your most important tools are safety goggles, work gloves, ear plugs for loud things, and any other protective equipment that saves your eyes, fingers, etc. Even if a job is quick and simple, you have no idea when you might slip up and fling something into your eye, so just be safe every time and wear your gear.

Electrical stuff is not as scary as it looks

This is usually the most mortifying ordeal I hear from people. They're terrified of replacing a light switch. However, it's 100% foolproof to prevent yourself from being electrocuted. Apartments and houses have breaker boxes that completely shut off electricity to a circuit. All you have to do is turn on the switch/something in the outlet you want to mess with, switch off the circuit at the breaker, confirm the thing you need to repair/modify no longer functions because electricity is not flowing to it (the circuit breaker will have shut off the flow of electricity), then start your repair. Do not flip that circuit breaker back on until the job is done. That's it. Now, the details of the job are a whole other story, but wiring an outlet or a switch or a lamp is pretty darn simple. Again, youtube has endless tutorials.

You will be sloppy when you get started, just take your time

if you don't do this stuff for a living, it takes years of infrequent practice to finally get good at it. have drilled through interior walls to the other side a few times before I learned my lesson. the old adage "measure twice, cut once" is true. do it three times if you need to. and if you botch your wall drilling into it (you will botch your wall at some point) it's so easy to spot fix things like that. on the other hand, fragile stuff like plumbing need a gentle touch (i.e. some stuff you should only hand-tighten, because over-tightening can cause leaks). so it's best to take your time, check and re-check your work, and don't do something until you're confident you can do it. watch tutorials or ask a friend to help!

Use the right tool for the job

Good tools are pricey, but last way way longer and will not break on you in the middle of a job. Furthermore, it's a bad idea to force the use of a certain tool that doesn't do the job right. For example, you're trying to take something apart and you don't have the right type of screwdriver, but if you just, kinda like, wedge the bit in there... stop. Don't do it. You might end up stripping the screw, then you have two problems. Don't ever force something that's not the right fit. If it's not an emergency, it's better to wait till you have the right tool to fix it than to cut corners. Lastly, tools wear out, specifically tools that cut and drill, so you do actually need to replace those periodically

Stud finders don't work

except for that joke where you point it at yourself and it beeps and you say "yep, found a stud". that's the only time they work. If you need to find a stud, you might be lucky enough to be able to use a magnet to find the nails, but most of the time you're going to have to measure the distance from a corner (studs should be placed at a standard distance apart... however that has changed based on how old your house is). tbh this is a nitty gritty topic, and again, google some tutorial videos to help, but i just wanted to say don't waste your money on those studfinders

The type of material you're working with changes the tools you work with

There are specific tools and materials made to be used with other specific tools and materials. For example, with drills, you're going to run into different terms like "hammer drill" and "impact drill" or just a plain old "drill". Materials like concrete and brick need specific drill bits and high-powered drills like hammer drills in order to drill into them. However, a hammer drill will damage drywall and wood. Find out what your apartment or house is made of, and then figure out what tools you need to work with it.

I know this is kind of a scattershot post, and I will admit I'm definitely not an expert, but feel free to shoot me an ask about any of this and I'll try to answer

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC who has periods

Julian

He's a doctor, he knows what's going on, bodily functions and fluids don't faze him

He is deeply in love with you and cannot stand seeing you in any kind of pain

He is swinging wildly between those two states for the duration of your cycle

Oh, some blood got on the sheets? No worries, he's an expert at cleaning this stuff up. You go lie down and relax

You've got cramps? They're bad enough to cause you pain? He's down on his knees begging for it be him instead

His little performance made you laugh? Laughing is so good for this! He'll get you some painkillers and that'll make it even better

You're crying because you're hormonal and out of chocolate? He's booting a screeching Malak out the window to request chocolates from Portia and turning the house upside down in his mad search for anything with cocoa in it

About halfway through you'll get fed up enough to kick him out of the house

He'll show up at Mazelinka's looking like a kicked puppy and she'll send him back with a jar of apology soup, which works better than any medicine

Asra

They love you and will do anything and everything to help

You want cuddles? He'll cancel any plans for the rest of the day

Need chocolate? They've got three different kinds stocked

Mood swings? He's got pranks for when you want to laugh, handkerchiefs for when you want to cry, and several trinkets he pilfered off of Lucio for when you're angry and want to destroy something

The inevitable mess? They've got a brilliant spell to snap that clean and all kinds of peculiar bath products to try out

Cramps? The stove salamander has been trained to act as the perfect heating pad, Asra's got pain remedies from every place he's visited, and he's a fantastic masseuse

Faust is also happy to wrap herself around your torso for added squeezes

One time he found a pain transferring spell and decided to try it when you were at your very worst

They ended up cry-laughing on the floor, happy with how well it worked, shocked at how much pain they were suddenly experiencing, and totally fascinated with a sensation they had never encountered before

He was willing to try it again, but you refused because 1) you have way more practice handling it than he does and you don't like seeing him in pain, 2) he's so intrigued with how unique the sensation is he keeps losing focus and breaking the spell, and 3) you wouldn't be able to pamper him as well as he pampers you

Nadia

If she isn't the type to experience difficult periods, she grew up with multiple sisters. She knows what she's doing

If she could take time off to look after you she would, but she's the Countess and Vesuvia won't run itself

She will definitely give you time off for it though, as her court magician you need your rest

Every resource you could want is at your beck and call

Palace doctor on standby for pain medication, and to monitor the general health of your cycle

Private bath is available at all hours

Masseuse scheduled for daily therapy

Carefully planned diet to satisfy your cravings and meet your nutritional needs

The only problem is that she's the best person to be around when you're moody, and she's not always available to take a quick break and love you through it

After she came to check on you at the end of the day and found you in tears because you missed her she felt like the worst partner ever

Now she wraps up a body pillow in her softest nightgown for you to snuggle and makes sure it has her perfume on it

Chandra stays perched on the windowsill to relay any status changes to her

She schedules breaks to check in on you

She's also become a master at predicting your cycle patterns to make sure there's nothing big planned

Muriel

Let's be honest here, he was living in the woods full time by the time he was a teen and his only break was spent in the Coliseum

It's possible Asra sat him down and gave him the talk at some point, but you're probably the first person he knows who actually experiences this

He's uncannily tuned in to your emotions though, and he knows what pain looks like better than anyone else

You'll have to explain it to him as much as you're comfortable with, but the way he sees it, you're a noble soul experiencing physical discomfort that you can't control and he loves you very much

He won't mind if there's any mess, he lives in the wild and knows how to clean

The mood swings surprised him a bit, but he likes seeing you on the expressive side

He also appreciates the chance to support you emotionally when it's normally the other way around

The cramps are what make the most sense to him, because again, he knows what physical pain is like better than anyone and this is familiar

He doesn't like seeing you in pain though, and is very attentive to keeping you comfortable

The worst for him is when you get cravings and he doesn't have it stocked

The first time this happened he was too panicked to attempt a trip into town so he sent Innana to Asra with an SOS note

They were very happy to help and shared some helpful tips as well, which Muriel deeply appreciated

Portia

You two are synced and neither of you have easy cycles

The first time was a disaster. Both of you tried to power through it, neither of you were prepared, and the resulting clash sent her sulking to Mazelinka and you isolating in the shop

You were able to talk it out and now you make a monthly holiday of it

You spend the week beforehand stocking up and getting your tasks organized to have the lightest workload possible for the week

You make a game of finding the craziest pain relief or period product you can find and rating it together

Cramp cuddles

You eat so much food in bed there are crumbs everywhere but you're going to have to change the sheets a few times anyway with the blood business going on

You both have a wicked sense of humor, so the mood swings stay manageable as long as one of you is able to crack a joke about it

Pepi lies on your stomachs so she can knead and purr on them

All of your male friends know to stay far, far away from the premises

If they absolutely have to drop by it's with an armload of offerings (mostly chocolate, pain killers, and hot water bottles)

Lucio

Oh dear

He loves you, he really does, but everything about periods down to the concept of them freaks him out

Dude has mommy issues, what can I say

Seriously though, he'll do his best to make you feel loved and supported and provided for so he doesn't have to engage too much

The blood freaks him out the least (mercenary) so he'll spring for a chance to take your sheets or soiled clothing since it removes him from the vicinity while still being helpful

He will also be more than happy to run errands for any and all of your cravings

He's terrified of your mood swings, not because he's scared of you hurting him, but because he can't predict your emotional state and that stresses him out

He also doesn't like seeing you in pain, but he's familiar enough with it to not get scared off by it

He'll bring you all the remedies that used to work for him. Some of them (like the hot water bottle) really help, and some of them don't (like the overripe smoked garlic he tried to hang around your neck)

He has successfully figured out how to comfort you though, and that's what gets you through it

He remembers how well you slept in the labyrinth when he was keeping watch for you

Now, whenever it gets really bad, he'll rest your head on his shoulder and plant his sword in front of the two of you, because at least he knows how to keep you safe

[strxnged]

1k. (suggestive) misunderstandings, platonic. gn!reader.

“Why do you hate me so much?”

Of all the questions you expected Kaveh the Architect to ask you on what you had supposed to be a first date, this was not among them. Indeed, being the juxtaposing type of question you’d expect any sane suitor to ask, it was flabbergasting, and you could hardly think of a reply to combat this. Your jaw dropped and you peered into his ruby eyes, searching the jewels for a saving clue.

“You can be honest,” he continued bewilderingly. “That’s why I wanted to properly meet you for coffee. So that we could talk like adults.”

No, of all the questions you anticipated coming from someone who had asked you to meet for coffee “as soon as possible,” bringing “just yourself,” this was not among them. But maybe it should have been. The urgent nature of it all may have been a clear enough indicator, had you paid attention. A bit awkwardly you realized how far off your assumptions about this all had been. To think that you’d thought he was trying to get into your pants. Taking you on a date first like an adult. Not asking you to coffee just to talk like one.

Finding no answers in his eyes, you settled your gaze on your joe and pondered. Then at last, with much less certainty than you had intended, you responded, “I… don’t.”

“You don’t what?”

You met his eyes. “I don’t hate you, moron.”

Kaveh visibly bristled. This was how you had expected him to look after you’d turned down his supposed sexual interest as planned. “I don’t buy it. After the way that you talk to me, how you’ve turned down my project ideas, how you talk about me to other people…”

There was much for you to unpack here, but the last point caught your own sense of urgency. Your mug came down onto the table harder than you meant. “I don’t talk about you to other people. What do you mean, how I talk about you to other people?”

“You know.”

“I don’t. Where is this coming from? Kaveh, what the hell?”

He swallowed and spoke with seemingly great effort. “Alhaitham said… that you said… you can’t bear to be around me.”

“Kaveh.”

“Yes?”

“Alhaitham isn’t people. Alhaitham is person. A person who has been known to enjoy messing with you.”

He hesitated, and then declared, “A lot of the stuff he says is true. Even if it’s utterly uncalled for.” Kaveh looked anywhere but at you. “Sorry. I just…”

You looked him up and down. Here, you’d thought he was all of the things he wasn’t. And here he thought you were all of the things that you were not. You let a short laugh slip, and then quickly covered your smile with your knuckle.

He spoke feebly and towards the cafe aisle instead of you. “I’m taking this seriously. I don’t want you to hate me. Can’t we talk about it?”

Oh, it was sweet, and ironic, and delightful, and hilarious.

“Yes, Kaveh. Let’s talk about it.”

He glanced at you and quickly away again, nodding. His avoidance of eye contact made you feel a bit bad, but for only a second. You wanted to get the truth out before you made any attempt at comforting the poor soul.

“I don’t hate you,” you continued. “I don’t even dislike you. I like your company and I think you’re marvelous and creative. I think—and this is what I told Alhaitham—I think that if I spent too much time with you, I’d become more engaged myself, and I’m just not ready for that change in my life. Or I wasn’t. I was too comfortable with the status quo.” You paused to sip your bitter coffee, trying to figure out the words for the rest of it.

“But my projects,” he said, “my project ideas, the ones you refused to help with.”

“You wouldn’t want to do those with little old me,” you replied, simply and honestly.  

“I really would.”

“No, Kaveh. You don’t understand. I’m not brilliant like you. I’m a materialist, a realist, a square-cut function-obsessed gadgeter. I don’t do pretty designs. I can’t contribute to—” You gestured as if his mind was splayed out as a galaxy of ideas before you. “—All that.”

He tilted his head, looking again keen and reactionary. 

“And I’m sorry,” you finally said, “for how… for how blunt I can be. And I know I can be mean. I swear it’s just the way I talk, it’s not—”

He cut you off. “So I’m not the one you hate?”

“What do you…” It was your turn to cock your head. 

“I mean…” He raised an eyebrow, not mockingly. “You’re just unhappy, aren’t you?”

You set your mug down and leaned your elbows onto the table. He looked intently back at you now. Like a friend. Like someone who cared about being hated by you, and someone who cared about you hating yourself.

You cleared your throat, grasping at the straws of a changed subject. “I thought this was gonna be a date, nitwit. Not a therapy session.”

“A date?” He looked horrified.

You laughed at his expression, feeling all sorts of relieved. “Good to know neither of us were looking for that.”

“Tell me: Why would I ask you on a date if I thought you hated me?”

“Oh, Kaveh.”

“That doesn’t make an inch of sense.”

“Speaking of inches. Are you sure you want those columns in that desert library design to be that thick? Why not just have a few more columns among the shelves?”

And as quickly as that, the fear and sensitivity in his face faded and was replaced by glowing defense of his idea. 

The supposed date turned into a shrewd planning convention and you watched the remaining tension leak from his fingertips as he gestured at his invisible designs in the air. You thought, yes, this is why I can’t bear to be around him. He’s so bright and alive. It burns my eyes.

But you were alive too, thanks to the warm late-night caffeine. And thanks also, perhaps, to the feeling that the conversation you had avoided earlier might come around again, and that you didn’t mind that. You didn’t mind the idea of more conversations with Kaveh.

author's note. i don't know, guys, i think i'm obsessed with being this guy's friend. and... yeah, this is sort of a vomit of words about how easily social signals are misinterpreted, especially when you're ANTISOCIAL like me. i'm fine though. do not worry.

consider reblogging or leaving a reply if you enjoyed.

➳ GENSHIN MASTERLIST

[perplexingluciddreams]

more details of experiment edits on AAC:

first i will show 3 pictures of Supercore 50:

how it looks automatically without any edits

my current grid set that i use for communication

the version of this grid set i added just to try colour changes and other visual edits.

[Image description: 3 images of the same vocabulary grid set in Grid 3, called Supercore 50. the first image has rounded corners on buttons, a white background, bigger spacing, and text labels on every button with text above symbol. second image is similar looking with same rounded buttons, but less spacing. is different by black background, text label removed from folder and menu/function buttons, text below symbol. third image is very different looking from other two. same black background, menu and main folder buttons have black background with simple coloured symbol, mainly yellow. no folder buttons have text label, and many have simplified symbol. all button colours are altered in tone and shade. all darker colours, easier on the eye. the "little words" buttons are changed from almost white to dark grey with yellow text. End ID.]

here is explanation:

added new version of my grid set (Supercore 50) to just play around with and change colours and see what works. didn't want to mess up my actual grid set with all my personal edits and added vocabulary. didn't go to bother of making it all "uniform" across the whole device (because is time consuming and i will have to do that eventually on my real grid set).

mostly just tried out different colours. and how to make home page as easy to visual process as possible. didn't change colour coding (for example pronouns yellow, verbs green, adjectives blue, little words grey-ish - that all stay. just change tone of colours to not "attack" eyes).

eyes can't cope with a lot of "whiteness" in any colours, especially on a screen where there is so much white/blue light already. makes much sensory overload and bad headaches. pastel colours or very bright neon or light blue/purple/yellow/grey... not fun. brain simply skips over any blocks of those colours cause it can't get past whiteness to see what is on the button.

in Grid 3 edit menu you can change colour of button - there is a palette of pre-made colours, but you can also do "adjust colour" and choose custom colour there. and there is something called "button styles" so you can just edit one button how you want, then say "update style" and it will change all buttons with that "style".

i worked out that turning down "saturation" and "luminosity" helps me a lot. then the colour doesn't "attack" my eyes so much, so i can actually search the screen for the symbol/word i want. better visual scanning ability.

also removed borders on buttons. just adds extra stuff for eyes to get "stuck" on. it looks cleaner without border.

On Grid 3 there is also different button "themes" available (different from button styles), which changes the entire automatic look of the entire grid set with just change that. changed from "modern" to "blocky" theme. because there is a slight "colour gradient" on buttons with "modern" theme (I think🤷🏻‍♂️). meaning there is more highlight at the top of the button on more shadow/darker at the bottom. makes it hard to see the symbols and text because it is not "flat" looking. to me the "modern" theme looks slightly bumpy and 3D, the "blocky" theme looks flat. and brain can't process 3D (especially not at same time as try to search for words and scan screen).

i also made the "menu" buttons or "grid functions" buttons have black background (to match black background of entire grid set), with symbol in yellow. and remove text labels for these buttons and some folder buttons. this helps because then only the word buttons "jump out" at brain. so there is less "bulk" of the screen to process. and the "function" buttons have only simple symbol, so can easily find!

this is all still only changed in the blank version of Supercore 50 that I added for this specific purpose. it is a HUGE change to my AAC. so i can't just change it all at once. it will have to happen in stages. and i am still not 100% sure of all the changes. (for example i don't really know what to do with the folders. don't like how they look right now...). so i have to be very confident in a change before i can make my real grid have it.

(also there is still folders and buttons i haven't changed at all. just mostly did home grid so i can see the difference. still working on it and will be long time until ready to change my real AAC).

i will keep updating on the changes!

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

From this list, #40 “I’m gonna carry you to bed if you keep arguing with me about needing sleep” with Ari? 😊 Thank you!

Have a good day! 💛

Personally I LOVE a bossy Ari. Thank you babes!

You just booked the last guest and the smile on your face forced as you assured them that all accommodations would be met for them first thing in the morning.

Another thing to add to your to-do list since everyone else was occupied with other chores for the guests.

"Right this way," Max said kindly, stepping in to take them away from the desk and you sighed in relief as your arms folded on the solid wood check-in desk, letting your head fall into the crook of it.

"Just a few more days Y/N."

"Why are you lying to yourself?" A deep familiar voice chuckled warmly near you, large warm hands coming to your shoulders to massage them. You groaned in response at the tight pressure Ari put on them, it hurt so bad that it felt good.

"That's how I handle shit, Mr.Thomas." You straightened, looking over your shoulder at warm blue eyes and a tanned face that was now mostly hidden by a shaggy beard and flop of long hair curling around his face. It was a face you very much welcomed seeing. "Lie to get through the day."

"Hmm, efficient." He stepped around you, pulling himself up on the counter and straddling it while he started to pull off some numbers on the board. "I need a 69."

"Yeah, I'm sure you do." You giggled as you pulled out the basket under the desk, searching for his request.

"I'm probably not the only one who would benefit from it." He winked back as he took the numbers, hanging them in place. You were about to reply with another playful remark when a yawn overtook you, making your face scrunch up while you felt your body revolting against you. "But I do think a good night's sleep would be better," Ari said with some concern.

"I'm fine." You muttered, rubbing at your eyes to get them focusing again.

"Y/N, if you are burned out, this place stops functioning. I have been way too fucking hard on you, pushing you day and night." Ari said with some concern, his features softening as he seemed to really study you, picking up how tired you were.

"Ari, I'm fine." You tossed your arms out to show him how okay you were. "I signed up for this, ALL OF THIS." You pointed out, clearly expressing that you were okay with working with Ari during the day and being the voracious man's lover at night. Hell, you couldn't even figure out when Ari slept himself. Usually, he could only calm down after he had you on the brink of passing out. But you wouldn't change it.

Ari studied you for a moment, pulling out a cigarette from behind his ear and lighting it, his eyes narrowing at you as you continued to defy him. "“I’m gonna carry you to bed if you keep arguing with me about needing sleep."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." You smirked at him while gathering up some papers that needed to be filed, for being a fake hotel, you kept up all the appearances, even keeping files. "I will be in the back taking care of the paperwork."

You got two steps when a strong set of arms circled your waist and rolled you onto his shoulder, the papers flying all over the place while you hung half over his back. "ARI!"

"Hush, it's Guy." He reminded you, a tap to your ass making you wriggle. "Your day is over."

"Guy, you left a mess at my front desk, put me down."

"Oh no Sweetheart, I promised you a good time. I always deliver." He marched across the sand towards the last rooms of the hotel, where it was all quiet away from the guests. When he set you down, it was on a bed...

His bed and he loomed over you, pushing you back with him crowding in your space, pressing smoke-warmed lips to yours. "Your cute ass better be ready to get in these sheets in five minutes, don't make me tell you twice."

You glared up at him, but a grin curled on your lips as you let your fingers drift through his long hair. "Yes, Sir Mr.Thomas."

"Oh in here I always go by Ari... although if you scream out God, I will take credit for that too." He winked before pulling away. "I will get your papers put away while you get ready Baby."

[pandoras-moony]

The world keeps spinning (but not for me)

deancas fic set post confession!

1 Month since Cas’s Death

He’s gone.

He’s actually gone this time.

Dean cant feel him anymore.

He’s gone and it’s all Dean’s fault.

He goes searching for the answers at the bottom of whiskey bottles and in the messes of his vomit that cover the bunker floor.

Sam keeps asking what happened, and the thing is Dean wants to tell him. He wants to break down in his baby brother’s arms and wail until his lungs cant function anymore, he hopes he screams so loud it rips his throat raw and he drowns in his own blood. But every time he looks at Sam, or Jack all he hears is

“Because you cared I cared… I cared about Sam, about Jack..”

Because of you, I’m dead.

Every night Dean sits in the pitch black emptiness of the library, drowning his sorrows in whatever alcohol he can find and he talks. He talks to Cas, prays to him rather. He knows wherever Cas is, he cant hear him. Somehow that makes it easier for him, easier to whisper “I love you” into the darkness and know he’ll never hear it back. It’s not like he deserves it anyway.

2 Months since Cas’s Death

Dean wakes up every morning drenched in sweat and screaming Cas’s name. Sam holds him until he starts breathing normally again and then Dean tells him to fuck off, doesn’t Sam get it? He killed Cas. Dean murdered Cas. It’s all his fault. Why the fuck should he feel any ounce of comfort or remorse when Cas never even got to feel loved?

No one should hold Dean. Or touch him. Or speak to him.

He has to preserve who he was when he was last with Cas.

He tells the library so every night.

3 Months since Cas’s Death

“Fuck you.”

“Dean we needed to know what happened, you-“

“You had no right!”

Sam watched the tapes from the dungeon. The ones where-

“Dean you wont talk to us and you’re killing yourself! You- I cant even recognise you half the time anymore Dean. When you’re not sleeping and screaming his name you’re angry, drunk and you’re looking for something to hurt and it always seems to be you that you land on Dean- I see the bruises on your fists, please Dean, you’re scaring Jack.”

That cut deeper than Dean can ever say ‘you’re scaring Jack.’ thats exactly what Dean used to say to John when he got like this. He used to hold Sam and promise him he would never let anything bad happen to him, that he’d never let their dad lay a hand on him.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

“Fuck. You.” Dean bites out. He takes a step towards Sam and a part of him dies when Sam flinches back.

He doesn’t stop.

“You think you know what fuckin’ happened Sammy? You think you could ever understand how it fucking feels?” Deans pointer finger slammed against Sam’s chest. “I killed him. Me.” Sam cupped deans hand gently “You know that’s not true.” always so soft, despite everything.

A bitter, rotten laugh claws its way up from Deans throat “Isn’t it? You heard the man!” Dean yanks his hand away “Or did you watch him die in silence. Did you watch it take him in the quiet?” He stalks closer to Sam now, in his face, daring Sam to reply. He doesn’t.

“Well lucky fucking you.” he whispered as he heard the words die a twisted death on his tongue. Dean shoved Sam back and began pacing slowly.

“I sure wish I could’ve lived it in silence- because all I fucking hear anymore is him! He’s not even here and all I see is him, except for when I look in the mirror cause then I’m just dad.”

Dean is spiralling and he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t know where he is, or what’s happening, he wants to hurt everything and everyone around him, but he has to protect Sam. Always his brothers protector.

“What he said-“

‘I love you.’

Dean nearly chokes on his words, they come out quiet and afraid and fill all the space in the room once inhabited by Dean’s whiskey flavoured torment. “It- It wasn’t for you.” He’s crying, he can feel it. Searing tear tracks flow down his face and Sam takes a step closer with his arms spread, ready to hold Dean together.

Dean spins on his heels and slams the door on his way out without a word.

He cries in the Library that night and imagines the black tar swallowing him too.

“I love you Cas… how could you do this? Why? Why, sweetheart? I could have gone with you.”

There was a deafening silence.

“Why didn’t you take me with you?”

4 Months since Cas’s Death

Dean doesn’t speak all month, too busy guzzling spirits.

They’re on to something big, they’re going to defeat Chuck.

Dean cant bring himself to care.

Until his phone rings.

“Cas?” he rasps into the phone.

It’s his voice.

In a heartbeat he’s up, and before he knows it he’s at the door and opening it. Not even thinking for a second that this could be a trick. All he could think was Cas.

It’s him.

It’s Cas.

It’s Cas.

CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas-

He opened the door.

Lucifer.

His sobs were all that filled the Library that night.

5 Months since Cas’s Death

Jack’s gone too.

They beat Chuck, the world is back.

But Dean lost another person.

Because he’s selfish, Dean prays for Jack to come back to them. He was clinging to Jack, the closest thing to Cas he had left.

But because Jack was so similar to Cas, he did the right thing and left Dean’s prayers unanswered.

Eileen tries to talk to Dean, he ignores her. Seeing her there with Sam’s hand on her shoulder, and pity in her eyes is too much, it’s just another reminder of what Dean will never, ever have.

That night in the library Dean doesn’t drink, he just talks to the empty space until he falls asleep.

“I used to hate that you stood so friggin close to me all the time man. I mean really hate it.” He laughed quietly to himself, “But it’s so cold without you now.”

“Thought I saw you today.”

“God, I miss your eyes.”

“Sammy mentioned you yesterday, we were out at some fair thing and there was all these farm animals in a pen- he said ‘Cas would’ve loved all these little guys’” He took a deep breath in “and you know what? I almost let myself imagine it and smile, before i said ‘We have to bring him sometime.’” The crying started then, and it didn’t stop until Deans head hit the table.

6 Months since Cas’s Death

“He loved me.”

He’s not sure why he says it, but Sam looks up from his breakfast and looks at Dean like his heart just shattered. Dean keeps cutting up his food.

“You wanna know the worst part? Think I loved him too.”

The knife and fork clatter and Dean sinks to the floor.

He cries for hours and Sam holds him as their food goes cold.

12 Months since Cas’s Death.

Dean is 4 months sober.

When Sam moved in with Eileen, Dean got his own apartment. It’s pretty shitty but it does its job.

They turned the bunker into a halfway home for any hunters who needed it.

He’s a firefighter now.

He still talks to Cas every night.

[balkanradfem]

The most frustrating renovation

So, I felt it was the time to make my own neck-supporting pillow, like the ones that are cut from foam, have a little wave to go under your neck? Since my neck hurts I thought it would help. I had some old mattress sponge that I collected as a found treasure, I grabbed my scissors and got to cutting, until the pillow was fitting perfectly under my head and keeping my spine straight.

Once I was done, I covered it in soft fabric, and then sewed the perfectly-fitting pillowcase on it. In order to do this, I had dragged several bags filled with 'resource clothing', which was pieces of clothing I was gifted, and kept just to have some sewing fabric for projects. By the time I was done sewing, bags were all over my room, the closet looked like a giant mess, and it was frustrating. Because that was just bad organization, keeping clothing in plastic bags at the bottom of the hanging closet, I figured I could do better.

The pillow turned out to be a failure, my neck hurt even worse with it, I had to resign to sleeping without a pillow again.

I was now focused on organizing my closet better, and in order to do that, it needed some shelving. I am constantly collecting wooden boards so I decided to go to the basement, pick out a board that was acceptable size, and put it on top of 2 boxes in order to make a shelf, and then I'd be able to make little compartments underneath and organize the clothing better.

However, upon dragging in every wooden board I owned from the basement, it turned out each one of them was at least 1 meter in length, and my closet was under that length. So none of the boards I had could possibly fit! I needed something 10 cm shorter. But I had nothing I could cut a board with.

Frustrated, I went out for a board search; often when I needed something specific I would conveniently find that exact thing. But not that day. People were not abandoning wooden boards at such time, and how dared they. I came back home fuming.

I didn't pack my bags with clothing back into the closet, but left them all over the floor, too angry about my failed plans to bother tidying up. I would tidy them up when I got that shelving in! I was still going to find a way.

Then, I figured, okay, there has to be a way to diy a shelf, from cardboard or whatever, someone sure had to put that stuff on youtube. I downloaded a few videos on how to make cardboard shelving, but I didn't watch them. This is where I had a wave of mental illness so I spent a few days in bed, ignoring the closet situation like this was none of my business, and I was alone so who cares about the mess.

So yesterday at 11pm, I'm like, what about that closet situation, that is still unresolved, I did download some videos, and I go and watch them. And one of the video has a way of folding pieces of long cardboard that creates a very firm shelf! And I'm like cool this is what I will do, shelving will exist and my troubles will be resolved. I just need to wake up early tomorrow and get out and seek some cardboard, because my current stash of cardboard boxes has all been converted to drying stations.

I wake up at 6am this morning, ready to go cardboard hunting, and I'm so sure in myself because people abandon big cardboard boxes all the time, it's one resource I can reliably get anytime. I walk up to the balcony. And it's raining. It's raining! My plans foiled again. If anyone had discarded cardboard, by now it would be wet and icky and I wouldn't want to touch it.

So this is still ongoing! I still haven't found a good piece of cardboard in order to make my closet a functional storage space! This is infuriating! My room is still a giant mess and I'm supposed to clean it in 3 days and my confidence is dropping. Will I ever get this done and have my room floor safe to walk on again? I am unsure. My life is out of my control.

[maagicmushies]

Naruto is a bad ninja. That's like baby’s first Naruto criticism. This is supposed to be a manga about ninja, yet its main character is a loudmouth clad in bright orange who has never even heard of the word subtlety. There are even large stretches of the manga where he is one of the weakest main characters, so he’s even failing at the manga’s specific definition of a ninja. He is just horrible at it. But one thing that I never hear a lot of people mention is that Naruto is a bad ninja by design, he needs to be.

The Land of Waves Arc serves two main functions. The first is easing the reader or viewer into the world of shinobi on a very “scientific” level. You learn what chakra is, what the three main types of jutsu are, what chakra control is, how ninja rank works, what kekkei genkai is and so on and so forth. Everything that would be in a textbook to be studied by entry level ninja is in this arc. The second function is a look into the world of shinobi on a more “ideological” level in the second half. Ninja take on jobs, but rarely do they take on jobs for other ninja. They mainly take on jobs for local feudal lords or crime lords who wish to use these strengths for political purposes. In this way, Naruto’s ninja are sorta like mercenaries. Ninja are expected to kill the people who they have culture and shared experiences with for the sake of people who really couldn't care less about them. Their intelligence is their most valued aspect and emotions can compromise that so a trained ninja can’t even cry. As Zabuza says, a ninja is just a tool to be used by their employer and anyone who cannot do that, is a bad ninja.

One of the most genius things about this arc is that almost every named ninja we see ends up breaking a vital rule of the ninja code. Haku and Sasuke sacrifice their lives for loved ones, compromising their mission in the process while Sakura, Naruto and Zabuza are reduced to blubbering crying messes by the end. They all failed at being ninja because to be a ninja is to cast away your humanity, something that isn’t really possible. By the end of the first arc, the series has planted the idea that being a ninja isn’t something to be desired. Ninjutsu and throwing stars are cool, but this ideal of a “real” ninja is so cynical and cold that anyone who could pull it off perfectly would be as miserable as they are abhorrent. Trust me, we’ll get back into that. The arc ends with Naruto deciding that he’ll find his own ninja way. A way to be a ninja that is not synonymous with pain and cruelty.

Following the Land of Waves we go to the Chunin Exams, the stock tournament arc of the series. One thing that sets Naruto’s tournament arc apart from a more standard one is that winning isn’t the primary goal. Anyone who has watched the show or read the manga might say “Of course winning isn’t the primary goal, Shikamaru lost, yet was the only Konoha genin to promote”, but becoming Chunin isn’t even the main goal of the Chunin exams. The main goal of the Chunin Exams is to show off a nation’s talent, both as an advertisement to would-be employers and as a flex to rival villages to show what they have in store for them if they try to start a war. It was created as a form of deterrence, a ninja equivalent to broadcasting a video of your nation’s rocket capabilities. Ironically, this “mock war” ends up turning into a real war as Orochimaru uses it as a smoke screen for his real invasion. Naruto comes into the exams pretty unprepared as a fighter, but very prepared emotionally. He speaks to the demons inside of Neji and Gaara, desperately wanting to ease the pain that they’re going through. He can’t stand the idea of losing them, just like he lost haku so he talks to them like they’re people and not weapons and it resonates. The two would end up becoming lifelong friends with Naruto as a result and it had jack shit to do with his skill as a ninja. He succeeded with them because he was a person to them.

The Search for Tsunade arc is not too important for this analysis, but does introduce an idea that will become important later where Jiraiya purports that a real ninja is “one who endures”. This isn’t just fancy waffling but how the literal kanji for the word “ninja” can be broken down. That’s why, in Jiraiya’s eyes, being a ninja is not about being the most efficient or knowing the most jutsu. It’s about never giving up even when everyone else wants you to. It is what he has done his entire life and what he teaches Naruto to do. However, this is far from the only interpretation of “one who endures”. Sasuke’s flashbacks of how he remembers Itachi is massively important to our understanding of ninja because Itachi is the perfect ninja. Remember that “One Who Endures” thing? Yeah, Itachi takes that to the extreme because he thinks that it is a viable path for a shinobi to be hated by all. If that lets them do their job to the best of their ability, so be it. That’s why he handles the Uchiha coup like he does. He becomes hated by his entire village, the entire world and hated most of all by the person he loved the most. But Itachi got his job done. He did it so well that no one ever knew he was doing a job at all.

If Itachi is what lies at the end of all shinobi, if all of them got to be "perfect", we’d have entire clans and communities getting slaughtered by well meaning people just wishing to prolong the existence of the village by a couple of years. Itachi’s partner Kisame has a very similar backstory. In fact, you could argue that all of the Akatsuki are perfect shinobi. All young prodigies who were allowed to exercise cruelty because that’s what their job called for and simply got cut off by the people who weren’t able to handle the monsters that they created. It’s no coincidence that this group of ninja who were all able to be better ninja at the cost of their humanity all show some form of body horror or inhumanity in their design.

This pertains most to Sasori, one of the main villains of the Kazekage Rescue Arc. Sasori was clearly traumatized but no one in the sand cared because he was able to channel that trauma into his incredible skill with puppet ninjutsu. And then when he became more and more broken over time, creating human puppets and assassinating Kazekage, they tried to act as if they had no hand in that. However, just like Zabuza and Gaara before him, Sasori could not fully discard his humanity. He tried to replace so much of his human body with puppetry but he was never able to get rid of his heart, poetically. The same goes for Sai in the next arc, who has been trained from birth to kill off all individuality. Even before his big turn, Sai constantly laments over the fact that despite trying so hard, he can never get anyone to truly like him. It’s natural that as humans we crave connection and want to love. The more you try to act like this is a lie, the more you end up like a Sai. And no one likes Sai.

A similarly unlikable character would be Kakashi during the events of Kakashi Gaiden. Another ninja capable of putting the job above all his personal connections and he constantly disrespects his friends and own father. Sakumo Hatake was incredibly strong, but far from the perfect ninja I’ve been describing. He decided to abandon a mission partway, which saved his allies but inconvenienced his employer. The derision he faced was enough for him to commit suicide. In Kakashi’s eyes, his father was a coward, but to Kakashi’s best friend Obito? Sakumo was a hero. He might have been a bad ninja, but if caring about people you love makes you a bad ninja, then good ninja do not need to exist. Obito holds this opinion not as a villain, but as a rather heroic child with shocking similarities to Naruto. When he later fights Naruto, Naruto ends up appealing to Obito by empathizing with his beliefs about the ninja world. It sucks! His best friend’s life was ruined by a “perfect” ninja, he spent his entire life being hated and used because the ninja code for Jinchuriki was to roll them out as weapons during war time and then shamefully hide them during peacetime. Naruto knows why Obito would want to tear it down because he also wants to. They just have differing methods of how to.

The same goes for Sasuke when he rises up to become the final villain of the series. Sasuke recognizes the poison on the ninja world, what it does to people like him, his brother his best friend, Hashirama and Madara, every ninja in existence. That is why he wishes to forge a new path, killing off the ruling class and uniting all against him. It’s essentially what Itachi did, but on a global scale. Sasuke’s plan is bad and fails because it relies on embracing a ninja truth and the antithesis of the series - severing one’s bonds. Every single arc time and time again we come to learn that this idea of “severing bonds” does not work, it cannot work. The pit of loneliness you’re left in will kill you or warp you to a point where you’re no longer human. Naruto’s answer is forming an unbreakable bond between all people. Disrespecting and blurring the artificial line between class, between village, between civilian and ninja. The Great Naruto Bridge from the Land of Waves is a little cheesy, but emblematic of his final role in the story. Through his kindness he becomes able to link all together and he didn’t do this by being a good ninja. He did it by being a pretty bad one.