#but the fact. again. just i dont fucking know what the hell is affecting me

[kasarian]

gah its starting to get super lonely on the internet again

[mrs-monaghan]

I need advice, please, you never answer my asks, even though you do with tkkrs spewing lies and hate. Please, I used to love every Jikook interaction, but since a while ago, I can't do it without thinking about how 99% of the fandom are tkkrs and hate JM. I want to enjoy their moments like you do, but it hurts so much to see all the hate JM receives. Sometimes I wonder if JK is worth it...like JM would be free if he dated someone else...tkkrs only want JK to be TH's sex toy, and if JM is with someone else, at least we could enjoy Jikook even if it's them just being friends. Or JK could shut tkkrs up sometime and try to defend Jimin...I gave up on TH confirming Jennie, he's a coward and doesn't want to lose his fans (tkkrs), so he's going to keep doing fanservice namedropping JK everytime he needs it... please, what is your secret? how can I enjoy jkk again? why are there so many people that believe JK is TH's boyfriend if JM is the one he loves? really, everything is so frustrating. Poor JM, I'm tired

Maybe I dont answer your asks because you say things like "maybe Jimin should find someone else" Matter of fact, let it be known to everyone: I delete all such asks. Or any asks that sound remotely like anti JK. Jimin loves who he loves. He is head over heels for this man. Get with the programme or move the fuck on. Coz your fav aint never gonna drop JK just coz u want him to. And I personally figure that is common sense. So anytime I get an ask saying JK doesn't deserve Jimin I don't even finish reading that shit. I delete. So I'm sorry you're upset anon, but if this is how u talk everytime then that's why I have never answered u.

That being said, anon pointed out how I have time to reply to antis n tkkrs. I'm sure some of u who have sent me good Jikook asks probably wonder the same thing. Why does she reply to them but hasn't answered my ask from months ago? This is a fair question. Apart from my current situation 🤰🏽 I may not have time sometimes. And some of your asks require research. Some of your asks are so good they deserve time and thought put into them. Meanwhile insulting a piece of vermin or an anti is easy. I don't have to think when talking smack to these assholes. I don't need to research anything. Plus its very satisfying and takes 0 effort on my end. So that's why it seems like I prioritise them.

Answering a good ask and answering it properly, could take all day sometimes. As much as I love doing it, it requires a lot of time and effort. So yeah, incase any of u was frustrated about how u sent a good ask a long time ago and yet I seem to have time for antis, thats why. That, and people who send links. Those asks are easy n take no time at all.

I'm sorry guys. Really.

But anon, u asked for advice on how to enjoy Jikook moments despite the existence of tkkrs.

I will start by taking you back to this post I made when all hell broke loose that one time. It is incredibly important that people remember: your feelings are not Jimin's. This is the man who in 2018 was sent a death threat and he said that Armys were more worried about this person than he was. That he was alright and that no one should worry.

Quickly, lets pay attention to this part one more time

His fans were more concerned than he was. I do believe this to be the case 1000% right now too. You are more worried about the vermin than he is. You are more worried about Jikook antis, than he is. He doesn't care. If he cared he would pull away from JK. If he cared we wouldn't be getting a Jikook documentary. If he cared why would be continue providing Jikook content despite knowing some people will not receive it very well??? Despite knowing there are people who wanna kill him for hanging with JK?

If he cared we would be starved for moments on official content. He would keep away from JK if antis were affecting him. Period. There is no "poor Jimin." He's more than okay.

Anon, my advice is to keep this in mind. This is what I do. Jimin doesn't care, so neither do I.

So instead I laugh at them and mock them because they are just wasting their time and energy. No amount of hate and death threats are gonna stop Jimin from loving those he loves. And this is the truth.

Plus, why be concerned with people who believe members hate each other? Like in what world does that make sense?? Anon, you have seen the fuckery i share on this blog. These people are brainless and stupid. As we speak they claim that wasn't JK with Jimin in Tokyo. How can u take such people seriously??? I know I don't. I can't. For me to even consider the shit coming out of your mouth you have to make sense and tkkrs dont make any fucking sense.

So my advice, this is up to you and you only. Its is up to u to treat these people like the mental cases they are; by not taking them seriously. Report, block and move on. Go watch a happy Jimin compilation or something. If u can't take the hate, then unfollow all report pages, mute key words, stay on the clean side of twitter. Believe u me, it exists. Curate your timeline anon, it is possible. Even on twitter.

I promise you Jimin does not care. He used to but he sure as hell doesn't anymore. You remember this crucial part, and you will be able to enjoy Jikook in peace.

Plus, if you've been paying attention to JK, you will notice he doesn't feed tkkrs. He really doesn't. Not like in the past. And the dude has made it clear he doesn't like them... not even a little bit. And can u blame him? Look at you and how u feel. Now imagine JK, Jimin's boyfriend seeing this hate. Imagine how he feels. You can tell he ain't about tkkrs. Especially this year. Even they know it and so they rely on V for tkk content. (Denying them moments is the most JK can do. Interfering or trying to shut them up wouldn't work. If it didn't work with V, twice, it won't work with JK either)

This is the only advice I can give u. Hope u heed it. Because no one deserves their BTS experience taken away from them. Xoxo

[saki-19]

Mammon × reader

(Mammon helluva boss headcanon)

Mammon is not good at affection hell he probably never even said »I love you«.

The fact you even are with him is a miracle.

I imagine you were friends with Fizz. Going out with him and to the competicion when Asmodeus didnt have the time to. And during one of the competicions Mammon saw you. For the first time he didnt tell Fizz he has to win he just kind of stood there staring at you. The word Love was nothing to him so he never even really thought the feelings he had for you was love. For him it was always »someone i would fuck without the need to do it with other people«. He of course never said that but its how he feels.

He would probably start to flirt with you a lot. Fizz would not like is as he knew what type of a demon is trying to get into your pants. He along with anyone else would never think Mammon is exualy intrested in you. Not even the man himself would. If he ever had anyone for the » night activity« after meeting you they are gone. He might never say it to you but the moment he saw you he could not think of fucking anyone else but you.( Its sweet really)

He would probably ask you out the same night you meet. If you say no it does not matter he would ask you so many times you would have to say yes. And when you would he would immediately take you to his place. If your the type that takes time to get intimet with he would be dumbfounded. You not wanting to fuck The great Mammon? Thats new.

The first date would be strange for him. If he came off as confident at first he would not say a word until you would start to talk. The one talking on the first date would probably be you as he would be thinking of what was happening to him. After some time he would be himself again but there would be moments when he would just stare at you and say nothing. His mind would sometimes think why you even put up with him. I mean dont get me wrong he knows he is great at everything but sometimes he cant help but think why someone like you would be with him. Especially if your sweet unlike him. The thoughts come into his head even when you two start to date.

He likes to keep it private so only you and him know. Actually only him cus he never said you two were dating. You might be with him not even knowing your a thing. In all truth not even he does all he knows is that he wants you and only you and if that means dating you then thats what you two are doing.

On the competicions he is mostly seen with the Fizz dolls but he never liked them. Fizz was never someone that he liked as long as he brought him money he can stay. So if you ever got jealous of the dolls he would be seeing it as a joke at first unable to believe you were jealous of a doll but if you ever touch the doll it would be destroyed. If he thinks you being jealous of a doll is stupid , well if he gets jealous cus of the doll its enidietly not stupid. He is a jealous type .He thinks it does not show but it does. A lot. If he ever finds you talking to someone you would never see them again.

As i said before he does not say i love you. But there would be at least one if not more times he at least thinks about it. Sometimes when you just lay in his arms sleeping or talking and he is staring down at you he would say in the back of his mind »i love you« but the words will probably never leave his lips. Thats why he shows it eather by killing people for you, giving you gifts , fucking you or just touching you. As long as he does it in a way of saying i love you he is satisfied.

[silky-silks]

Okay can I talk?

eric belonging to @night-light-artz

Patches @eve-pie

Okay for the image above I was doing a “mock” warrior cat book. I miss the old covers but anyway

I kinda feel my art is…boring. I mean it just feels that way. Sometimes I feel I rush myself to get things done, and to be honest I hate having to rush myself. I look back at my recent post and they just fall FLAT. Flat as in the colors are just boring as heck. Lineart? I don’t really like. Not only that but everything feels so unpolished

My anatomy/details

I hate the fact I miss crucial details of my chat starts or even other people characters. I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW I DONT EVEN ADD SILKY’s ANTLERS 99% of the time? That bothers me. And I see other people add them and I’m just “well damn I’m so lazy I can’t even add antlers on my own fucking character”.

Not to mention the poses. Everything feels so stiff with me. So dang stiff that you may as well call my art wood and use it as a support beam. I hate how I don’t use references for my art. Maybe If I used them more and actually took my time stuff wouldn't look like your average horrific Netflix Original cartoon of some movie.

Backgrounds/minor objects.

Do not get me started. I hate all of them. They look so low effort. I mean, I know I can do better with them! But it seems like I worry about the main characters so much. In fact, I feel the background just falls flat or blends in too much with the characters that it looks. Messy. If I draw a cup, i'll skip over details and it will look awful! Which isnt good, as it shows im lacking severly.

Time

And for time I rush. I feel like I have to literally push things out by day’s end and well…it affects my art. Lately o just been so focus on the hour and time it just makes the art suffer. Even if no one else sees it I do. I love my painted style, but it takes quite some time. And forgive me but I hate just doing sketches to and posting it. I prefer my art to be colored in and all the way. Now im not saying i dont like it when other people sketch. That would be a dick-head move of me.

Some days I fear if I don’t post or read inboxes everyone is going to think I purely abandoned them. I try to focus on my page. but just giving them a sketch at the end well...it makes me feel as if I just dissapointed them. I think to myself and say "I could have done better than that. Why did you even do that in the first place {Name}. "

I have like so much on my agenda and plans and then i realize I can’t do it all in one day. Hell sometimes I just make one day spefically on one subject.

If that day was animation day; I focus on an animatic.

If a certain day is art day and I want to set up my commission page (which is so messy I deleted it) then that’s the settled day. But I feel like I’m going so slow. It's like I am running out of time, and time is just passing by as I look at my clock.

And I'm not blaming anyone it's just my stupid head that makes me feel this way. I know no one is trying to rush me. But head is like "Oh but what if- and why not-". It bothers me. It clouds my vision and i don't realize in reality...no one is saying the things my brain is saying. Sometimes I feel like I'm bothering people when i draw their charcaters so much and tag them. I fear they just say 'Aw great it's this one person again."Sometimes I feel I need to be MORE original. And some days i feel i just need to give up entirely. Some days I think posting everyday will aggervate folks. Sometimes I envy the attention of others, and when I see what they gain or what following I have i look back at myself and say "Well maybe if you did this better than MAYBE you people will be interested in ya". And damn do i slam my head in a wall. Everyone just seems so happy, and yet here I am fretting over if this fucking dog I drew looks remotely interesting. And I just feel it...blends in. Like what is there so special about my art?

MY BLOG

And for this blog, I don't know if I truly have an identity for myself. There's Silky, there is Minty and Syrup, there is Simon and there is Shrimpy. But who do they belong to? What roles do they even serve in this blog? I want them to be my identity. I don't want them being just some sort of character leech. They lack story, they lack purpose, they are thrown in tropes and gag. But what do they relate to? Nothing. Nothing at all. And yeah yeah I know im thinking to DEEP into this. But it's been on my mind so much. And hell call me crazy for talking about them if they are real, but they mean a lot to me. A LOT.

So I tried to make my art interesting here like, i tried referencing images space. I tried adding more anatomy to Snowy since I am tired of doing the usual standing up pose. I even wanted to make the background feel more detailed. I feel a bit better, but I still fear everything is too...eh...bland. Maybe it is just me.

Sorry for the ungodly word of text. I know I shouldn't vent here.

[hinamie]

ok i have composed myself i have transcribed the lyrics for wish you were here as best as i could. i am going to listen to this and only this until i lose interest or the ability to hear, whichever happens first

this song is SUCH a bop the soft guitar intro in2 the main beat is so good but can we TALK . about how . HE STARTS IT WITH A "MWAH" WHAT A FUCKING ICON I LOVE HIM I LOVE THEMMMMM the percussion is so good i love the soft offbeat claps in th bg they add such a nice lil pep n especially in verse 2 after "love you even if you hate my guts" they add like 4 extra clap beats and i am !!!!!!! ASCENDING

verse 1 is iconic i love the line "pack up my head might mail it back to your house" its so fucking funny it reminds me of that post thts like "i didn't know how to deal with the fact that i had a crush so i wrote her a note that said get out of my school" . but listenok listen. verse 2 is the one they posted a snippet of last year and first of all i love the electric-y/tv-turning off/guitar slide/quiet video game laser effect as the vocals start it makes my brain buzz aNYWAY this verse is my favourite between the two and has absolutely s tier lines such as "as long as you think of me I don't care what" and "love you even if you hate my guts" PLUS the lil clappy bits i mentioned they r so GOOD. not to mention his voice pls.,,, he sounds so good when he belts,,, his voice has a slight rasp to it that they lean into with the slightly muffled old speaker sound god he sounds so good all the TIME his vocals are so clear when he hangs on the words "singing" and "myself" into the chorus PLS. also the bg vocal 'a t-t-t-touch too sentimental' is so gd CATCHY

speaking of the chorus oh my god the CHORUS. the desperate cry of "don't you miss me? / don't you want me around?" is so devastating and heartfelt head in HANDS also the lyrics . im so excited abt them i cannot put into words how !!!!!!!! they make me just. gestures helplessly

wishful thinking is all that’s holding me down  lost on a blue moon  i wish you were here right now

in chorus 2 especially the way the beat cuts out after "lost on a blue moon" n comes back after "I wish you were here"??? AUDIBLE SEROTONIN TO ME ((plus in the final chorus changing the "lost on a blue moon" to "not like you used to" ??????? OW ???????????? that had a lil kick that got me a bit.. , being stuck with ur own wishful thinking as a stand-in for the physical affection of the person u like,,, ....fushiguro touch starved megu- *is shot dead*)))

HOWEVER the absolute lyrical Backbone of this song is the fucking bridge. i knew it would be i heard the snippet ages ago and i was like holy shit these lyrics go hard what are they from only to b dismayed to find that whatever song they were from did not yet exist. but now it DOES and i can listen to the way the bridge sounds like lights dimming. like headlights passing through a hazy window. it sounds like clouds parting

nobody else in this life or next  will ever have me the way that you do nothing in hell, heaven, earth, or the rest could ever take me away from you

THAT FUCKING EMOTIONAL BOMBSHELL against the original soft guitar from the intro drop the drums just reverb-y lyrics and background vocals and some of the most romantic fucking lyrics i've had the pleasure of reading let alone hearing one of my favourite artists sing.

i am going to once again fuse my fv brainrot with my megumi brainrot. realistically ik this is probably a missing your ex song but i do not care. this is a longing megumi song to me i dont CARE argue with a WALL (said to no one). the verses and chorus are pine-y and a bit snarky n very i like-like you and don't know what to do with how much i miss you. it's wry and frustrated n just tsundere enough but then u get to the bridge n there lies the sheer undying devotION god im unweLL this is all i'm going to listen to. this was worth waiting a year for if this is part of a new album they have in production im actually going to die

[momokohoa]

Rottmnt ☆ Star Child AU Part 2

Trigger warning: implied slight gore, trypophobia, and mild swearing.

‘Kay so, Leo finds himself in very overwhelming mood after having starry highlights on his irises. When he heard a footsteps coming from outside his room, he was so hella worried that they notices that he might be awake and escaped, but he definitely heard a sound of his brothers arrived in the lair, so Leo then returned to his bed and pretends that he was sleeping, so his brothers wouldn’t notice that he was awake (Except for Donnie, he knows what was going on with Leo.).

 Mikey, Raph, Donnie, April, Splinter, and Casey Jr. have arrived home, and Mikey and Donnie went upstairs in Leo’s room to bring the presents for him, except for Donnie, of course, has only a first aid kit along with him just in case. Mikey, of course, was very sad and scared if Leo was gonna die like this. Mikey then puts the two bags of presents right next to the doorway. Inside of the two bags, there were 10 sheets of unicorn stickers, a plushie, a sky-blue-colored tumbler cup, a unicorn hoodie, a mug with Leo’s name on it, and a picture frame. After that, Mikey then leave Donnie alone with Leo for a bit. Donnie then wakes Leo up by poking his forehead. Leo then wakes up like nothing has happened to him. Donnie then said “Are you alright, ‘Nardo?” “What the hell? I’m fine, Don-Tron. Nothing has ever happened to me, of course”, Leo responded. Donnie feels so skeptical about Leo’s answer to him, but plays it along, so he doesn’t get so upset so quickly. “Whatever you say. But me, Mikey, Raph and everyone in the lair was worry about you.” Donnie responded back. Leo then rolls his eyes, pretending that he’s alright. Donnie then checks on Leo’s right leg, and turns out he has 15 holes, with blood on them. Looks like Leo’s been affected by either the rocks or the shooting star, but theres one thing that exists called “Pockmarks”, they’re typically marks that caused by chickenpox, acne, scars, or any types of infection. Pockmarks cannot be dissappear or go away by itself, but treatment can usually help. Of course it can’t be the Krang One, because he was blown away when the fucking door closes, and plus, he didn’t fucking die, he was actually been defeated by Leo when was locked in the prison dimension. This infection was very unusual to Leo, because he never have this kind of marks on his leg before. Donnie then checks it again and sees bruises and a slightly opened-cut ankle that looks like a rock hit on it. “ I don’t think you’re okay, Leo.”, Donnie said. Leo then responds, “ What the fuck do you mean I’m not okay?! I’m alright now. Can’t you see my luxurious, beautiful face-“ “NO NARDO!! YOURE NOT OKAY!! And why are you swearing at me?! Who taught you that?!”, Donnie yells. “Don, I am okay-“ Leo says, as Donnie interrupts him. “‘Nardo, I swear if you scare me, our brothers, dad, April, and Casey like that, I’ll slapped your face!!” Donnie then starts to tears up, as he puts on a cast on Leo’s leg, but until Donnie notices a starry highlights on both of Leo’s eyes. That left him shocked, but still does not want to worry a bit too much. Leo then says, “ Donnie, I thought you hate e-“ “I-I-I��ts fine, just dont go and fucking kill yourself, okay?…”, Donnie says as he was about to cry. “Alright…”. Leo said, as Donnie then leave him in his room. 

Leo then grabs his phone from his nightstand, and then starts scrolling through YouTube, until he found the video that is unusual to him. A live singing performance of Mira Starr, a 20-year-old Indian-English singer. He then clicked on the video, as he gazes at her performance. He starts to feel like he’s a fan of Mira as he kept watching a video of her singing performance.

Fun facts:

Mira likes samosas and butter chicken.

Mira’s birthday is December 1st.

Mira’s favorite color is light or hot pink.

Mira can speak 3 languages (including English), except she speaks a bit of Punjabi.

FINALLY I FINISHED THIS!! dont worry y’all, im working on part 3. :3

! Not mine !

(First Part | Next Part )

[fduck0]

BITCHESSSSSS I REWATCHED THE WENDY ANIMATION TO FIND A FRAME AND MY BRAIN WENT OFF AB SOMETHING ILL KILL😭😭

in this frame the flowers behind Abigail are all grey and just stand there sadly while the ones closer to Wendy are still looking red and pretty alive. And while this is just likely to be a lighting thing, I WANNA GO OFF AB THIS AND THE ANIMATION SO GET READY

First things first, as much as Wish you were here is SUCH a good animation for Wendy, I feel like the pandemic really affected its production, as we dont really have storyboards for it, or at least not any that i could find and it has some very chaotic storytelling, which tbh fits wendy PERFECTLY with her chaotic grief, but i feel like it leaves the viewer a bit confused over what they just saw. Because of this, i have mostly seen 2 interpretations of this animation.

Version number 1. is the general, oh the animation is a hallutination induced by Wendys poor mental state, as the screen gets more grey at the end when she realises abigail is gone, which would mean that her sanity is low. And tbh i kinda have a lot of mixed feelings on this take, as it leaves a lot of things unexplained, but it is also an EXTREMELY likely possibility for wendy to either be in a psychotic episode due to her loss, or any other stuff that could cause it.

MY issue with this take is that it leaves the question, why the hell was Abigails ghost there in the first place then?

Why would the flower come down at the start of the animation and leave at the end, if Abigail isnt actually there.

Also like, Wendy didnt even see the flower, she doesnt react to it being next to her, she doesnt pick it up, WHY WOULD IT BE THERE?

And all of this leads me to version number 2, of this animations meaning. Wendys description has always been "Haunted by her twin sister" (or at least in ds lmao). So this just leads me to believe Abigail is actually there.

We know from the quotes that Abigail can still move in her flower most probably,that or she can fully go invisible, idk know tbh, klei doesnt give us almost any info ab how the ghosts work😭😭 but both would explain the flower coming down FROM THE FUCKING HEAVENS AT THIS POINT, to visit Wendy and then leave at the end. (also the thing i talked ab at the start with the flowers in the bush looking alive)

(Wendy clearly cant see Abigail in these quotes)

But i have to admit, if this is the chase, then why the FUCK would Abigail come down to visit Wendy only to fall off the cliff MOST PROBABLY AGAIN, i have no fucking clue.

Could this be determined if we had more info on the ghosts? most probably.

Why was Abigail there in the first place? Probably there to cheer Wendy up or just wanting to play with her again tbh.

Why did Abigail decide to fuck off at the end when Jack shows up? Tbh idk but its probably the fact her goal is most probably just to look over Wendy, since the flower is still there by her side.

Did this probably affect Wendy EVEN MORE, as both her and her family probably thought she was losing it? If this theory is true, then 100% yes.

why did the sanity loss filter appear at the end? Either Abigail going back into the flower, or just the realization that OOPS, NOBODY THERE.

But yeah this is pretty much it. Both takes on it leave some questions tbh, and while i like the second more for being more mystical and kinda goofy both of these are just as likely. THAT OR ITS BOTH. THAT OR ITS FUCKING NEITHER IDK

THIS

THIS IS ALL I WAS FUCKING SEARCHING FOR WHEN MY BRAIN SAW THAT BUSH AND FUCKING LOST IT. HONEST ABIGAIL REACTION

[hermanunworthy]

!DNDADS S2 EP47 SPOILERS!

welp. todays the day. pray for me guys this could easily be the most upsetting episode of dndads for me. im dreading this so bad

- IS THAT FUCKING HERMIE SINGING???

- I CANT DO THIS

- I WAS NOT EXPECTING THE INTRO TO BE SAD IM SICK IM SICK IM ALREADY GONNA CRY

- "HATING MY FATHER INSTEAD OF HOLDING YOUR HAND" HEY???? HEY???! IM GONNA KMS

- OAKWORTHY IS CANON. IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE.

- FROM WHAT I HEARD I THOUGHT SCAM WAS IN THE INTRO???? BUT THIS. THIS HURTS SO BAD

- i feel sick i havent been able to move on from the intro

- im gonna be so honest i was expecting a "sike" or something at the end so u can imagine my relief when the little clicks started playing

- okay. okay. time to listen to ur fun facts u sick fucks

- WILL ACCIDENTALLY CALLING THE PODCAST DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS AGAIN LMAOOO

- anthony stfu i dont want to hear ur voice (hes literally the dm)

- MASTER OF MANIPULATION LINCOLN LI WILSON

- will. what evil fact do u have for us today.

- NORMAL DOES TAROT READINGS WHAT

- WILL IS GONNA JUST DRAW A CARD RN???

- LOVERS??? THERES NO FUCKING WAY

- WILL ACKNOWLEDGING HERMIE DIED IM GONNA THROW UP

- A BROKEN MARRIAGE???? HOLY SHITTTT

- scary plays the piano omg!!!

- THATS THE DUMBEST REASON EVER

- "im really nervous about what anthonys gonna do this episode" U AND ME BOTH MATT

- MY HEART IS POUNDING. MY HANDS ARE SWEATING. MOMS SPAGHETTI /ref

- it has taken me an hour just to get through the intro + facts.

- "but at what cost?" AT WHAT COST IS RIGHT BETH.

- SO NORMAL WASNT CONSCIOUS FOR IT. UR FUCKING JOKING

- MATT SUGGESTING THEY HIDE THE TRUTH FROM NORMAL. I CAN FEEL TEARS COMING

- ATOPPP ANTHONY HELPP

- BETHS REAGAN JOKE TO THE RESCUE

- NORMAL IS AWAKE AGAIN. OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD

- NOOOO OFC THEYRE GETTING INTERRUPTED

- "wheres hermie?" IM DONE

- NORMAL CANT SEE HERMIES BODY OH MY LORDDD

- anthony rushing them away. i cannot. i cannot

- "well fix it" im done

- NORMAL GOES TO PICK THEM UP.

- I CANT DO THIS.

- "this marriage has one less spouse but heavens got one more little angel" MATTHEW ARNOLD CAN U NOT.

- im sitting here in shock through all of this

- "just be happy ur not in hell" shut up anthony too soon

- thank god normal didnt take damage again

- lincoln cool scar era okay

- NORMAL PANICKING LOOKING FOR SPELL COMPONENTS LIKE HE DID W TERRY JR I CANTTTT

- HENRY OAK GARCIA. SAVE ME HENRY

- LARK AND SPARROW GIVING EACH OTHER A LOOK HELP ME. HELP ME

- NORMAL DOING SENSE MOTIVE AGAIN STOP IT

- AND GETTING A 1 AGAIN!!!!!

- theyre back home.

- "VOTE WILLY"?????

- "u guys ready to see him?" NO. NO IM NOT

- ty for protecting dood scary :[

- NORMAL IS HOLDING HERMIES HAND AND TALKING TO THEM. WILL CAMPOS DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEE

- ANTHONY STOP RUBBING IN HOW DEAD THEY ARE

- "the only thing keeping u together is the absolute ignorance u have of the fact that maybe the only person who ever showed u any real affection in the last couple years of ur life is dead" anthony burch im hunting u down.

- STOPPPPP NOT THE AD

- THE OLD EARTH WHOOOA

- is the dude w the white beard that "new fan fave npc" will was talking about lol

- HENRY REVEAL. HENRY REVEAL!!!!

- BARRY?????

- I SCREAMED I ACTUALLY SCREAMED

- I DIDNT KNOW IF WE WERE GONNA GET BARRY BACK. NO WAY

- MERCEDES IS DEAD..... STOP IM CRYING AGAIN

- THEM ALL CALLING HERMIE THEIR FRIEND. OOUGH

- UR FUCKING KIDDING. ANTHONY DO NOT TEASE US LIKE THIS

- "MADE OF GOOF MATTER" UR JOKING

- NORMALS SNAPPING OHHHH GOD

- NORMAL. NORMAL ISTG.

- NORMALS TRYINF TO BRING THEM TO SCAM?????

- HOLY FUCK......

- THEYRE IN THE SIMPSONS NOW.

- SCAM LIKELY. MY FUCKING ENEMY.

- WHY DOES HE. WHY DOES HE ACTUALLY CARE. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS THERES NO WAY

- "HES MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD" SHOOT ME.

- THEY DONT HAVE A SOUL.

- WTF IS SCAM GONNA DO

- ANTHONY I DONT TRUST U ONE BIT

- anthony burch. i hate u

- okay scam apologizing does feel good

- "I DONT WANT ANOTHER ONE I WANT THIS ONE" AND PUNCHES HIM. OH. MY GOD.

- "u feel like home for some reason" WAILS

- OH MY GOD SCARYS GONNA TELL NORMAL.

- GUYS I CANT DO THIS I REALLY CANT

- THE TREE. WILL CAMPOS PLZ

- HENRY TOLD NORMAL HES PROUD OF HIM. NOBODY TALK TO ME AGAIN EVER

- ty henry for giving normal what he needed im gonna sob my eyes out

- THEYRE GONNA PUT THE SUN BACK.

- THE FUCKING. THE FUCKING SUNRISE

- MATT OLD LADY NPC

- WHAT IS THIS FUCKING IMPROV

- CHAPARRAL.

- DONT FUCKIJF HIT ME UP

- "i liked u too" sighs.

- "GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE" END ME.

- "hermie u definitely were one of us" SOBS

- "i did notice u. thanks for everything" AAUAGAUHH

- LINK SAID NOTHING FOR HERMIE GOOD GOD

- "lark shakes ur hand, sparrow goes in for a hug" ough.

- OH MY GOD HENRYS GONNA SEE CODE PURPLE.

- HOLY SHIT YALL THIS IS BIG

- THEYRE TEACHING HERO AND NORMAL HOW TO SHOOT.

- BABY NORMALLLL

- "help me normal, only u can save me normal" WTF??? WTF????

- WHAT THE FUCK.

- guys i made it through. [confetti falls on me]

[empty-malboro-box]

Bring Me To Life

Paring: Eddie Munson x Reader

This story is based off of the song Bring Me To Evanescence

Warnings: Swearing, Cheating (doesn’t go into detail), Angst, Manipulation, I think that’s it but def lmk if I missed anything.

Also the reader has a aussie accent, i dont know it just seams fitting to me

You do not have permission to use, steal, or copy my work (reblogging is fine).

Eddie and I have been dating for a year and a half now. It’s been rough. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended soon. Is it bad that I wouldn’t be said either? I mean, he’s cheated multiple times and each and every time he’s convinced and manipulated me into staying with him. It’s not healthy for either me or him and it needs to stop. But I love him, I can’t just up and leave.

Or can I?

❤️‍🩹

I knock on Eddies trailer waiting for him to answer. We’re supposed to be having movie night, we’re watching Mad Max. I don’t get a response so I knock again, but as soon as my knuckles reach the door it opens.

“Hey, y/n!”

He looks disheveled. Clothes ruffled, pants unzipped, hair messy, well, isn’t it always? I also take note of the fact that he’s panting, like he had just ran a mile.

“Eddie, are you alright?”

“Uh, yea, yea I’m fine why?” Its then that I notice Eddie has red lipstick stains littering his cheeks, neck, and collarbone.

“Eddie what the hell have you been up to? You’re panting like you just ran a fucking marathon, mate! Bloody hell!”

It’s then that I again notice something else. The aroma around him smells rosy. Which I know he doesn’t use perfume, that’s a no brainer, he uses black ice which is for sure not what I’m smelling.

“Eddie,” I start, looking him dead in the eye. “What. In. The. Living. Hell. Have you been doing.”

It wasn’t a question anymore it was more like an I know what you’ve been doing moment.

~~~~~

Eddie’s POV:

I didn’t want to lie to her again.

“Eddie, what. In. The. Living. Hell. Have you been doing.”

I knew that she knew what I was doing. It was ironic actually, this song, we used to listen to called Bring Me To Life by Evanescence matches exactly what’s happening right now

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors?

I knew she could see right through me.

“C’mon, sweetheart. You know I wouldn’t do that again. I swore to you I wouldn’t.”

I didn’t even want to say what it was that I had done. But I’m sure we’d both had an idea. I just need to convince her enough. I know what I’m doing is horribly wrong. But I just can’t loose her.

~~~~~

Y/ns POV:

I knew he was lying, but part of me wanted to believe him. It’s like he knows my week spots and he knows how to get what he wants.

Leading you down into my core, where I become so numb

No, I couldn’t let him win this time. I can’t. And I won’t.

“No Eddie. You do this every godamn time! And I’m done with it. You’re a manipulative piece of shit!”

“You don’t mean that, hun”

“The hell I don’t! And you don’t get to call me hun anymore-” I was cut off by an all too familiar voice that I knew from my high school days. A strawberry blonde girl comes walking down the stairs.

“Ed’s? When are you coming back to-” She’s stunned and stops in her tracks.

“Chrissy?”

“Y/n?” We say in sync.

“Eddie what the hell! Chrissy?! You’ve got to be kidding me right?” I ask.

“I- we weren’t fucking were were just….” He stops, not knowing what to say. “You were what Eddie?” He furrows his brows and rubs his forehead like he’s frustrated. “I was planning on sleeping over toning Eddie. But fuck that just sleep with Cunningham instead!” I look at him, my eyes glossed over and threatening to spill. But will not show this jack ass that he’s affecting me.

Without a soul, my spirits sleeping in somewhere cold

“Fuck you, Eddie Munson. And Chrissy,” She snaps her head toward me when she hears her name, afraid of I might say, “You could do so much better. Even fucking Jason was less of an ass than this guy, mate.”

I slam the door, leaving his doorstep and storming away and getting in my car. I hope he’s fucking happy.

~~~~~

Eddie’s POV:

“Fuck!” I yell, pinching the wall making a decently sized hole.

“Godamn it!”

“Eddie calm down, you still have me?”

“I don’t want you! You’re just a fucking distraction! You’re meaningless to me. I don’t love you! I love her! And now she’s gone.”

Frozen inside without your touch, without your love.

Darling, only you are the life among the dead All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see, kept in the dark, but you were right in front of me

~~~~~~~~~~~

OMG THE AMOUNT OF ANGST IN THIS ONE LIKE IM ROLLING, CRYING, AND THROWING UP ITS TOO MUCH HOW TF DID MY SLOW ASS BRAIN COME UP WITH THIS😭AND ITS ONLY THE FIRST FIC IVE WRITTEN

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[blookmallow]

some further fallout 4 adventures

uh oh

aBORT MISSION

boy something sure happened in there

accidentally walked in on carrington and his boyfriend

inspiring

what in the jeffrey dahmer

sniffs. i love you strong

for the love of god montressor

your customers are dead, sir

also i briefly confused myself with this screenshot i forgot what was happening here and thought that lamp was like. a mustache. i think there should be mr. handys with mustaches

what a deal

i do love this (mostly) abandoned bowling alley though

this guy loved his nuka stuff so much... i usually collect those but i couldn't bring myself to take that truck away from him

shout out to this cow just. standing on everybody

i think this was. in the asylum? how did this guy die like this. he made it all the way through the wall and then just stayed there forever

love whatever the hell these guys were talking about

these are old now, there's more stuff on them now, but anyway heres some of my Stuff Collections. i collect everything. im completely obsessed with organizing my little things and fallout 4 enables me so hard

this is so DUMB sdgkjgs

i had her wear a face mask bc it seemed ridiculous that no one in goodneighbor would just. immediately recognize her. because she is wearing A Hat. i know this doesn't actually affect characters' ability to recognize you but it made me feel better about it

i dont really remember this bit all that well im going through screenshots fuckign Months later but im pretty sure i hadn't really talked to hancock much/hadn't figured out how to get him as a companion yet so the fact that. this. was one of his first interactions with ruby and then ends up dating her later is Really Funny dsfjlk

though now that i think about it the silver shroud questline is almost a direct parallel to hancock. you find the long abandoned clothes of A Heroic Figure that makes you look kind of ridiculous but also feel really cool and you decide to own that role like it's your own personal calling. i wonder if that was intentional. i don't remember how hancock responds to you in this scenario where he doesn't really know you yet but i remember i felt like the vibe was "what's THIS joker doing" and i found out later doing it again on another file with him as a companion he actually loves it. i remember getting a "hancock loved that" for threatening the big boss guy at the end in the shroud voice. anyway i lost the thread of what i was saying. i think my point is i love hancock

YES

spooky

i feel threatened

yes... YES..........

THIS is what im HERE for THIS is a goddamn nuclear WASTELAND

the glowing sea is so fucking cool. i wish it was even harsher though i feel like just some rad-x is enough to get by pretty easily i wanted it to feel like dragging yourself through hell

i have no IDEA where this was or what the fuck happened here

i love you deacon i would die for you

[neolxzr]

i had ur post about twt stuff reccomended 2 me and ough. ive never been on twitter and i love aira sm what the hell are they saying about him over there.

sorry if this gets long this topic bothers me so much dghfk the first part actually answers your question anon the rest is just me ranting

amen to you for never looking at twitter but basically theres a lot of people on enstars twitter who HATE aira. it depends on the person but its usually some variation of "he's racist." ive seen several people on twitter get harrassed and have to go private over making tweets that boiled down to "aira is fine actually." there are people who like him on there but i get the consensus that hating him is a very normal and accepted opinion to have

there is one interaction of aira's that i think is bad and choose to ignore like most enstars fans do with at least one of their favorite characters because sometimes the writing sucks lol. like most people choose to ignore all of the weird transphobic comments towards naru that their favs have made but apparently aira isnt allowed that same treatment? lol

but in general the way he's treated over there bothers me for a couple of reasons

1) stop drawing conclusions about characters when you havent fucking read their stories!!!! i know for a fact that most people who hate aira haven't even read most of the main story or feather touch or any story that talks about his character and just take what other people say about him at face value and its annoying. also they just disregard his growth as a character entirely 2) most people take a very western centric view when looking at him so they disregard his struggle with being mixed race because they dont think hes like. oppressed enough? when most people dont understand how different the culture in japan is and how it might actually affect him (again. read his stories please) 3) aira is like. 15. and yes, he is mean sometimes. he is a child. the way he acts is pretty normal teenager behavior, especially for someone who is written as being really insecure 4) he is not real!!!! you cannot ask a fictional character to take accountability for their actions because he is not going to make an apology video about it

this goes back to the thing i was saying in my other post about twitter's weird obsession with having the moral highground when it doesnt matter at all. liking an anime character is like the least harmful thing ever and trying to police what characters are ok to like isnt social justice grahfghdj

TLDR twitter loves calling aira racist and i think its really annoying, reductive of his character, and kind of just plain wrong, but its a really good example of twitter users feeling the need to try and be morally superior to other people for no reason over stupid things

[yourwolfmuzzle]

This fucking “you have a cat ears and i think they cute” stuff is stuck in my brain for tooooo long and not for a good reasons like “ah its a cute thing in confession” (outside of cute animation, i cant lie to myself that i didnt was “omg they move cute c:” in this whole scene okay? Im sucker when R/WBY pull up cute characters animation and going a great job.).

People already talk about strange Yang complementing Blake ears because its sound too close to some people having...tooooo much strange attraction to black people or specific parts of black people. Ehhhhh........................... Listen i wish its was “you have beautiful eyes” kinda lvl of compliment but you cant just...make human character compliment her faunus girlfriend that she has cute ears when before that for 7-8 volume calling faunus just animals was a bad fucking thing (AGAIN you cant just jump from “faunus racism is the thing in this world” into “omg cute animal people! cute ears and animal traits!”. Just because you kill Jaques do not mean “we destroy racism, racism no more!”)

I wish i can say that “its just Yang way to say compliments” and confession scene even HAD “Yang being shit in compliments\flirting” with “you got a good...brain” but its still dont work because with what we have its sound like not the best thing to say to faunus person. She can compliment litteraly other thing in Blake looks that will not totch this whole aspect. Hell, you can even bring up “Yang talking about Blake hair” and kinda involve this compliment into “you change so much” kinda deal? Or go into “beautiful eyes” thing. Its basic af, but its work + people love analysing this fact that they have complimentary eyes colors (and i say this as a fucking FairGame shipper and we ATE this “parallels in the eyes colors” shit) so its can work even on lvl “you have beautiful eyes”. OR if you REALLY want to talk about ears, why not bring up thing about bow? (and maybe finally do something with “Yang having zero connection with the fact that her partner is in minority group who is also activist and we do not know what she even thinking about this at all”) Literally anything, why “cute cat ears”?

Even if we imagine that there is no racism allegory and there is just...animal people and thats it, its still strange to hear and go into “character dont interact enough” or “bring the stuff that you was thinking was never a thing or was no question”. Before this i was thinking that they never show us more non-flirting interactions with Blake and Yang and with other characters just in general because we have small around of episode and “uh we cant just put characters interactions in between big plot”. I accept that Yang dealing with her prosthetic, trauma and Blake dealing with her problems and “post killing” affects will be offscreen like FINE OKAY I GUESS THIS IS NOT THAT INTERESTING MAKE CHARACTERS DEALS WITH THEY TRAUMA (not “trauma porn” just healing process). But with this one compliment i just now cannot think. Now this one thing telling me they not just interact off screen but you telling me they didnt even had like friendly interactions?

Like...i dont know i maybe dont get it. Maybe i just have this privilege to tell easily to my friends how cool they are or how cute they look and friends can also tell me openly about this without go into “omg are we flirting? Are you trying to do something there?”. Maybe i just was lucky to tell people, who i hardly can call “a friends” but more like “acquaintances”, that i like they new cool haircut or they cool at this one thing. Maybe i JUST lucky bitch but if this is really normal thing to do and this is not just me...you telling me they never talk about simple stuff like this and this is was always “flirt action” type of interactions?

I maybe overreacting about this, i maybe nitpicking or this is just thing that a problem only for me, you can openly tell me! This confession scene had other thing to write about a whole ass post for a good or really bad reasons.

I just think such a simple thing in such a important scene that some people was waiting since vol1 is giving bad taste in mouth. Simple stuff is important.

[my-castles-crumbling]

im really sorry to dump this here but im actually so upset and i need to get this out and i have noone else to say it to

(just a note though that religion and homophobia is discussed so its okay if you dont want to talk about this)

i just found out my best friend (like, sirius and james kind of friend) is massively homophobic. weve been friends for years snd years now and he knows im a lesbian and he never said anything outwardly bad about it before now, but last night he had a few drinks in him and started talking about how he doesnt support the lgbt+ community and firmly believes anyone in it is going to hell, and that he hopes one day we'll 'see the light'

he then went on to say that hes not going to actively hate on queer people because what we do doesnt affect him or his life, and as far as ive seen thats completely true, hes never done or said anything hateful towards the community besides what he'd just said about going to hell etc.

i really dont know how im supposed to feel about all this. i felt like crying last night when he was talking because this is like, my platonic soulmate yk? and hes not actively or directly saying/doing anything against the community, but it also feels like what he said was hateful and all, but again hes never discouraged my own sexuality (in fact, hes actively encouraged and supported me when ive tried to date girls) so i almost feel id be wrong to be angry about what hes now said after hes still supported me anyway, even though he feels so strongly that its wrong

i just feel so lost and i really dont know what im supposed to do or feel about it

(sorry again to dump this on you aha)

Hi!!! <3

Ugh, this is so hard. Friends are so important, especially friends like you described. But a friend that doesn't support your identity? Honestly for me, this would be a BIG red flag. Because..idk I'm not a super trusting person to begin with, and to hear that would break my trust.

To me, at this point in history, if you're not actively being an ally for someone, then you might as well be fucking them over. I mean, does this person vote for policies that could hurt the lgbtqia+ community, and you by extension? Does he associate with people who are actively doing things to harm that community or other marginalized identities?

It seems like an excuse. "Oh, I don't shout my hatred from the rooftops, so it's okay." No. No, it's not.

And, to add to that, how will it feel now, to talk to him once you begin dating someone? Will it feel fake, even if he supports you? What about, down the road, if you ever get married? Will he want to be in your wedding? Will he refuse to go?

I guess, to me, this is a huge problem. But I'm also different than you. It may be, to you, he means enough to you that it's worth looking past. But I don't think I could do that.

The reality is, this sucks either way. And you have every right to feel upset and hurt. But I guess now you have to decide how you want to be upset and hurt by this.

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

<3

[ekwolfwood]

...well this has been a week from hell. or a month. its just been.... a lot. sorry if none of this makes sense, it is very much 4am.

(tw: health talk, disability talk... and death/pet death)

-it started at yeti, which was overall fantastic and 10/10 cant wait for next year, but all the stress factors all compounded into me having what was, on my birthday, probably my first noticeable seizure in decades. im not fully convinced, but both my partner and my twin noticed something was very off/not like regular dissociating

(i was one of those lucky ones that "grew out" of my absence seizures by highschool-ish, but theres always been the chance of them coming back/if i was still having super mild ones (i still have hella motor tics, which are tangentially related), but recently.... something in me might have been trying to warn me (we were using our own disability stuff for our heralds au, and bringing it up a lot...). i wanna talk about the good yeti things, but it doesnt feel like that day happened at all?

-on an immediate side note, mild pain flares took up a lot of the following two weeks, but i also finally got a specialist appointment with a pseudo answer??? he was very nice, and confirms at least prooobably fibromyalgia? which yeah lol ive suspected for years, so its a nice first step/confirmation. im placing a new bet however on that hes dead wrong with saying theres nothing wrong with my connective tissue. there is. i know there is. the pain and need for a walking stick for my knees/balance says otherwise

now the other two... bigger things.

-...... got a call on canada day that my grandad died. its been.... rough. more worry (mostly about my dad, and just over change and scheduling). more stress. this is the first time ive cried over a family member dying. ever. i didnt care about the other set of grandparents, on my mums side (when my nana died there was an undercurrent of 'ding dong the bitch is dead...' she was a... mildly racist piece of work, to be nice about her). but i like my dads side of the family. im glad alex got to meet him once before he went. he was 96. its not a shock, its just... its just yeah. theres gonna be no funeral, and i dont know if im thankful for that or not.

-.....and then all the past few weeks, Loki, my partners cat, had been acting increasingly off. i had a gut feeling. he's had kidney issues/near renal failure twice before. i just... i knew it was gonna be soon, and i desperately wanted to be wrong, and let the little blighter have a good long life being a little sensory nightmare to me, but... something in me just fucking knew. and, of course, because of my grandad, the news happened when i was 3 hours away from home with responsibilities and couldnt just leave. she's here now tho, and we're going home tomorrow morning, and saying goodbye to him on thursday.

i... dont deal well with change. the processing, the not feeling grief properly (cognitive/affective empathy issues, which is wild because alex and i had a whole ass conversation about that before any of this happened???? again. weird. coincidences.), the uncertainty.

and the fact that no one can be ready for any of this.

but, if things come in threes, then that better be fucking it for a while okay.

because we'll be alright.

we'll make it through.

things just take time.

[thispit-thelame]

So it's the height of the holidays and I'm really drunk and im cashing in my one (1) post a year to publicly post/vent about my life. Almost made it a whole year since my last, but alas. Putting this under the break since it might run long and no one wants/needs to see this shite. I'd use twitter since no one actually sees my posts there but twitter has well and truly broke for me so fuck me i guess lol

So within the last year or so ive realized that I have almost undoubtedly have Audhd (Austism-adhd, for those who dont know). Ive suspected ADHD for a good long while, but the Au itself is a recent epiphany.

Even more so, for about a month or so ago now, I've realized that I just don't *know* how to be human. This isn't therian posting, or plural posting, or whatever have you; This is a cry for help. I have finally realized that I just do not know what it takes to be "normal," to be "human". The stress of keeping myself alive from day to day alone is nigh unbearable, but also, I'm just so, *so* fucking lonely, and Im far too old, enough to the point where this genuinely feels like a fucking damnable failure. I just don't know what it takes to make/keep friends, and it feels even more like a failure in this age of internet; its utter ease of communication.

No one texts/dms me. No one asks to hang out/play games. I moved a literal 1000mi away from a previous hell, towards whom I've considered dear friends, and despite all of that, I haven't heard from most of these people in months. I wont deny that me being a bit of a recluse hasn't had its affect on this, but fuck bud, I wish i would at least be in peoples thoughts. Its to the point where I almost miss my previous hell. At least there the climate agreed with me, and i hadn't decayed into the pale emaciated bastard that I am now, despite working in a dank and dark warehouse for inhuman hours, and living with dogshit family.

And returning to the whole "i dont know what it means to be human" bit: Its not for a lack of trying. Ive tried to reach out to friends, ask if they wanted to hang out, either irl or online, and at best I get an "im busy," if I even get a response at all. Even just resorting to sending people memes/animal pics that I know they'd enjoy rarely gets a response.

I've been the person to dm/text people to ask how their day is going, I've been the person to ask if others want to hang out, I've been the shoulder to cry on, time and time again. and it always fades away into ghosting or an arms length relationship at best. I've no doubt that the Audhd way I go about things/how I am more attached, more delighted, to be around others than they are to me, but fuck, *fuck* dude, I wish that for once in my shitty life someone else felt the same way about me. I think about my friends every day, and every day Im reminded how little i matter to them

The autism alone would be bad enough; stressing over even the most banal of shit that keeps me alive is a hell in and of itself, but the ADHD is worse. Its so much worse. So, so much worse in that is treatable, and that there was a point in my life that I couldve gotten treatment, if it wasnt for my dogshit upbringing. I genuinely cannot describe the *actual living hell* that is severe unmedicated adhd, how you want, you *need* to do things, simple things, and your body, your brain, just refuses to do them.

I am running out of money. Plain and simple. For the last 2 or so yrs I have been living off of savings that I have accrued from my last hell of a job. I am NOT asking for donations, or help on that front. Im not saying it wouldnt help, but im not asking for it, i dont want it. Unless my Adhd magically recedes, and I can get a job that pays at min 900 a month, I will be dead well within 6 months. Its not a threat, not a plea, its just a fact. I dont want to be a burden on my roommate, who has been a literal savior and saint to me, and im sure as shit not asking family for help. I'd rather off myself than ask for their help. I guess the point of this all is proof, a record in case I do, that no one can say it came out of nowhere. Fuck this country and my family for how they treat mental health. Fuck this country and my family for how they treat queerfolk and minorities, especially trans people. Fuck this country and my family for how they prevented me from being who I could have been

Things couldve been so different, especially as the golden child, and i still find myself here in the rot beneath the leaves. Fucking gods i long for, I fucking miss the fucking leaves. Damn the heat. Damn the concrete. I miss the norht. I miss the fucking wooded northh.