#but the difference is that it affected her postively

[ilikelookingatthings]

I think one of the most interesting things about welcome to the ballroom is tatara and chinatsu’s dynamic. I like Tatara you know..he’s chill...but my dudes.... it felt like Tatara had to deal with a second main character of her own managa appearing when Chinatsu appeared. It gave case closed/detetive conan combining with Kaito kid main character energy...only the combination was permanent and they were forced to live with eachother. 

Its fascinating because Tatara was good before she appeared.  He was a bit of the nervious type at points but also  gave his all for dancing even when he was going with the flow a bit. We saw him get stronger and we saw some fo his hangups with partners splitting up...but he still focused on Mako and was helping her keep her brother as her partner like she had wanted.

But its AMAZING the affect Chinatus had on him. WIth Mako he was relatively understanding and gentle and more postive.  With the girl who led him to dancing he seemed a bit awkward around but did help her showcase more of her own competativeness and pride and we got to see her big rival was her own partner who was keeping a eye on tatara. and he is rather polite to everyone...even mako’s brotehr after things calmed down a bit.

but it just HIT like a truck that CHinatus was gettng under tatara’s skin like no one else. she was dishonest and was mean about dancing infront of him but then got caught in her love of dancing by him a an tournament which caused her to lash out a bit at him because he was open about his love of dance(even though not at home and getting to do what she was good at(lead). 

I loved seeing how Tatara was actually confused and frusterated with her behavior  especially early on eve whenhe tried to reach out basically. I loved seeing him more directly jealous as well...

Chinatsu was jealous because he was still hopeful and not bitter like she was becuase he was new to dance and could lead while she couldn’t lead becuase she was a girl...but more we saw her jealous also stem from how tatara clearly was a great follower...something she was struggling with because it had cuased her to not click with other partners she tried to pair with..becuase part of chinatsu wanted to be a good follower and do good in the female role due to emuslating her rolemodel. 

while Tatara also had his own rolemodel to some degree in his sort of coach whoc just so happened to be connected to her rolemodel...but we get to see HIM being jealous becuase she is a great leader and she has all this expereience that he is struggling to figure out. We see him frusterated as well becuase of her lack of honesty in her love of dance with him and her picking fights with him when he normally is the noconfrontational type.

I LOVE seeing Tatra struggle becuase not only did he feel like he had a bit od a deadline to catch up to certain dancers who told him they expect him to catch up soon....but we see him actually shwo frusteration with someone.

It really hit me like a brick when the managa/anime brought up the idea of comparing how tatra was around Mako vs how he is around CHinatsu. He was arguably a weird leader for Mako...but they did get along and he WAS able to lead her even if he go some bad habits after focusing on making just her shine. Mako is comparitively gentle to contrast Chinatsu.

The thing is...I was right there with Tatara in forgetting to count Mako as a partner..becuase he was only with Mako so she wouldn’t lose the chance with her own partner...he never expected to keep her. WE all know the sitaution was very different so Chinatsu shouldn’t have to feel jealous or betrayed...but I LIKE how she felt that anyway because from her view he was able to lead someone successfully and it wasn’t her. and he has someone he could comapre chinatsu to who chinatsu saw as a good follower. 

Its also fascinating because we also see it brought up that time tatara had danced with his crush before who is a very good follower to the point no one realized he wasn;t her original partner and he passed a round in a competitian.

but Tatra feels ALIVE around Chinatsu..really changed..he is anble to shout and fight back and get irriated...Chinatsu brings out how emotional Tatara reall can be....which we got hints of before but nothing this concrete...and it helped showcase how repressed Tatara really is as well.

WE also get to see other thing that parallel and contrast....Tatara overthings and overadapts to his partners at times to th epoint he struggles to dance how HE wants and being more assertive in knowing himself...while Chinatsu was used to only one partner while leading and deciding things on her own...her bieng pretty stubborn...though we also see why due to her friend unintentially stifling chinatsu being the follower due to enjoying the lead but also in how how Chinatsu failed to figure out what her follower might want(her friend.

We see that chinatsu had figured out this passion of her earlier than he did, who only founnd his recently by accident. Both were bullied and put down to some degree but for different reasons and they approached it differently....Tatara being saved by his coach from the bullies...beiing pushed around ...but being firm in protecting the coach/dance studio when they tried to target them instead of focusing on himself...while CHinats was the one protecting he rfirend from a bully and was targetted becuase she stood out in a positive way.

its fascinating becuase we KNOW both want to make this work...but they stuff fight and struggle against eachother.

It weirdly feels like the most indepth hetro couple I have seen in a while...when the argue it feels like there is weight to it....I know Tatara might have a thing for teh frist girl at the beining of teh show who ia a amazing follower...and I love hsi dynamic with Mako and they are so sweet...but THIS feels like chemistry.

It feels like the chemistry that proper rivals in shounen tend to have...where there is some nuance or weight to the relationship...like maybe Matt and Tie frm Digimon. or other rivals where there are LAYERS you can feel.

They change each other and I love it. Its also interesting becuase as hs other rival/sort of friend says....Tatara can be a bit twisted in adapting to others...if he became willing to put someone else over himself and make this shine with Mako...with Chinatsu it feels like he learns he has to speak up more yet he used how he adapts to others to help get that character progression for himself which he probably would have t=struggled to do on his own. 

Its also fascinating because we see Chinatsu was also clearly changing and that she was juts as invested as Tatara in making thsi work despite it feeling lke she was the one picking fights at first.

Thye make a point of pointing out his issues not helpingher issues...

but its just SO GOOD seeing them go at it and seeing Mako muse that tatara wasn’t like that when he was leading her.

Chinatsu and Tatara are definitly not anywhere near romance which I like alot...but damn that   just makes me hope these two are able to refine themselfs into diamonds at dancing and eventually do fall for eachother. the chemistry is that good. but even just platonic it works so WELL(and admittedly I feel the potential romantic rival in her ex partler akira).

I can only hope chinatsu and Tatara stay a pair and continue t challenge eachother. Chinatsu just FEELS like her own protagonist and if he isn’t careful she might steal the spotlight XD

[aroaceconfessions]

So, i was thinking about how was i going to explain my aroace identity to a friend for reasons, and i found really interesting how complex the aspec identities can be (not to say that other identities aren't, bcause ofc they are, people are ver complex, but im talking about the specific way the aspec identity can be so different and complicated from person to person)

Like, i'm just one person, and i find so hard to explain to other people on detail what my identity is. Like, sure, the simple thing is to just say "hi, im aroace and i don't experience romantic or sexual attraction :)" but that doesn't begin to cover all of my feelings!!!

Like, i'm sex postive but also sex-repulsed!! I don't quite understand it, and i don't like to even glance at sex, but you don't know that just because i told you i was ace. You wouldn't know that i can't quite differentiate between sexual and sensual attraction, so i just assume i don't feel neither.

You wouldn't also know how i feel about the multiple physical ways to show affection, and how context changes them for me

But specially in the romantic part, yeah you would know i don't experience romantic attraction, but you wouldn't know how much i love the concept of romance, and romance in media, and how cool i think other's experiences are!!! You wouldn't know i'm a sucker for romance, or how cool i think polyamory is. You wouldn't know the grief i felt when i discovered my aroness and how badly i wanted to fall in love, and my journey to accept myself and in the process discovering my love for platonic love (which doesn't replace the romantic love, i love it in a different way)

You wouldn't know how much i love the idea of having queerplatonic partners or the specifics of how i would like that to go, you wouldn't know how much i yern for having platonic partners that are my family and friends, you wouldn't know how that attraction works

And, you wouldn't know all of my journey that is part of my identity, all of the love and loss and all the tears that i cried, all of the time having a crisis and learning to love myself

And talking about the journey, you wouldn't know how hard was it to find out that the simple aroace label fit me, you wouldn't know how much i jumped from label to label, how each one changed me, how i slowly come to be at peace with IDing as aroace.

Even if i went and said "Hi, i'm aroace, sex postive but repulsed, cupioromantic, aegoromantic, i want multiple queerplatonic partners but i don't like to label my platonic attraction, i don't think i experience sensual attraction, and i feel really strong about friendship, family, and pet love" it just isn't enough

And then there are a lot of aspec people out there, with so many diverse experiences!!! It's so cool!!! i love aspec identities so much!!!

(and i still have no idea how to explain my identity to my friend lmao, its so hard to explain all of this out loud, and even in writting like this i feel that it just, isn't enough)

And i know i don't *have to* explain it to her, but i think i want to, i don't want to give her just a basic explanation of this part of myself, i want her to understand

[falcqns]

just some things we discussed in class that i thought were interesting:

vulnerability should be promoted by the teacher

feminist pedagogy!!

race, class, and sex determine whos exploited, discriminated against and oppressed

media has the power to in force negatively and postively

types of media and how they're sexist:

commercials - food consumption is sexualized

tv/ movies -

plus sized women are only there to further the plot (listen to Fat Funny Friend by Maddie Zahm, it showcases the entire experience of being a plus sized woman, and growing up as one.)

women are rarely the person in power and non sexualized

women are often only the 'love interests' and portrayed as people who need a man to survive

mental health awareness:

women aren't as diagnosed with disabilities such as ADHD and Autism simply because all the studies about these disabilities and how to diagnose them was done on men.

the symptoms were down played as Anxiety or Depression (something that can be cured) instead of the actual disability (something that cannot be cured, only helped, and is with us for life.) simply because the researchers failed to realize that the symptoms present differently in different genders

Gender Reveal

what is the point? why assign your child a colour (pink/blue), or a 'role' (superman for boys, 'lois lane' for girls - are we forgetting theres LITERALLY 1) superwoman, 2) wonderwoman, 3) supergirl, and SO many more female superheros?!!??!)

there are better options for 'reveals' - different colours, name reveal etc.

We watched a video called 'Leading Lady Parts as well. - Florence Pugh - not joking, that's my literal first note about this bc her >>> - accurately portrays how auditions are. (i send an audition tape that shows my head and shoulders only, why do casting directors feel the need to give me only ONE note, that note being "can you send this again but showcase your entire body' LIKE WHY???) - auditions are sexist, fatphobic, racist, ageist!!!!!! - typecasting still happens, and laughing about it normalizes it

How does this affect the children??

bell hooks' (early childhood theorist) practices and pedagogy ensure that children's learning is as effective as it can be.

bell hooks promoted a progressive wholistic education with an engaged pedagogy

'wholistic vs holistic' - wholistic refers to the entire child, seeing them as a whole being. holistic refers to the idea that the whole is more than just the 'sum of parts.'

equality is important, not just in feminism, but in everything

her pedagogy was called 'feminist pedagogy' and she was vocal about how feminism looks different for women of colour, than it does for white women.

young girls are still seeing unhealthy standards for women in all types of media despite the changes being made

think Natasha Romanoff in Iron Man 2 vs Black Widow (the costuming, the way she was written, the role she played to the plot), Kamala Khan vs Peter Parker (Peter is a 'typical' skinny teenager, Kamala has a bigger frame, is more what teens her age look like), and America Chavez + Kamala (non white characters with a leading role in their projects without the need for a romantic interest. yes, Kamala had one, but that wasn't the main plot point of Ms Marvel.

while these steps are good, it's not enough, and more needs to be done.

we, as educators, can't change the world and how the world sees women and minorities, but we can help change the future by teaching the future generations that this is NOT okay, it was NEVER okay, and something needs to change NOW.

Skin Again by bell hooks

skin is just a covering.

we're more, much more than just how we look.

you can encourage learning, you cannot force it. you can make your learning environment safe, warm and inviting, but ultimately it is up to the child to decide that they WANT to learn. forcing them to learn doesn't teach them anything, in fact it negatively shows them that we don't see them as people, as co-learners, as our teachers in the learning environment. it shows them that they are only there to serve one purpose, and not to be fully engaged in their learning like we want them to be.

[prompt-master]

please please PLEASE spill your thoughts about a V3 rewrite!!!

I have a lot of thoughts regarding some v3 rewrites but we'll stay simple here and talk about some concepts surrounding Saihara and how to better portray his character.

Saihara is a fantastic character with an interesting arc and generally the concepts of his character thematically are great. But often times the writing and game play does not do him justice.

One reason for this, in my opinion, is that the game treats him like Akamatsu, Hinata, and Naegi. They treat him like a normal, good protagonist. But he ISN'T. Saihara is a support character who was forced against his will to take on being the protagonist, which means the game should use that.

Because Saihara has no real will of his own. From the beginning, he takes on Akamatsu's will. And afterwards he is impacted by Momota's will. And even Ouma and Harukawa's. Saihara, unlike our other protagonists, does not need aid with finding the clues, he needs a MOTIVATOR.

this is why often times it can be frustrating playing as Saihara: because he is a detective. I think it's fair to say he is the most frustrating of the bunch, because unlike the others he IS an expert in solving mysteries. It can make Saihara feel very dumb at times (for me, this frustration showed most in ch5 lol).

The problem here is that the writers FORGOT the reason WHY Saihara struggles to solve mysteries. It's not for difficulty solving mysteries, but entirely because of his mental health.

Saihara is a character built around dependency issues and the wills of other people, and this could be used fantastically to make the ending more satisfying. Throughout the game, there could be an increase in pressures from the others who entirely rely on Saihara, and an increase in pressure from the people who SAIHARA entirely relies on to function. It could all explode in chapter 6, where Saihara just completely breaks.

All the wills that he had taken to heart, all the people he has been working and living for even though he's wanted to die this entire time: suddenly none of it even matters. The major plot twist doesn't even change his mental image of Akamatsu! She's still the same person he thought she was at the end of ch1. So what good did the truth do for him here, besides cause more pain? What good did the truth do for Akamatsu? She fucking died for THIS truth? All this does is further reinforce Saihara's believe that Akamatsu herself taught him to abandon: the truth is pointless because it always hurts.

Of course he breaks. Of course the first will of his own after all this time is "this entire thing is bullshit." He is finally being his own person, not relying on others, and not caring about those relying on him. He's "fake" but goddamn, did all of this hurt still. They were still people, and that's why he just wants this shit done for real. He won't play into the "good" or "bad" ending, he never even wanted to be the protag in the first place.

Now imagine this in terms of gameplay: Saihara after investigating understands the mystery, but doesn't express it to the player so that we can still figure it out. Instead, when he says incorrect answers it entirely has to do with his stress and anxiety, which furthers said emotions. We could have something similar to Hintata's breakdown in ch6, where the trials visuals and difficulty is aligned with how stressed Saihara is. Text gets harder to read, it becomes harder for him to concentrate, the three way debates could be the result of sensory overload making it more difficult to think, ect.

This could explain why the trials get more difficult as time goes on for Saihara. We could switch it so that he takes on EVERYONES will. Not just his motivators, but also those who have died. I can see Saihara being inspired by the last wills of Toujo and Hoshi and Gonta and Angie and Chabashira ect. As the game progresses not only is he taking on more mental stress trying to juggle and satisfy these mental wills, but he's also having to handle the way the living overly rely on him to solve the trials. It further damages his mental stress, and makes things so much harder.

That could explain why he had such a difficult time catching on in ch5. Think of how much would be going on at that point! He's lost his real motivator after a massive break up, and the temporary one (harukawa) is under her own intense duress and acting irrationally too. Saihara's character in this chapter particularly could have been heavily benefitted by mention of Akamatsu: who's will imparted on saihara was to find the truth no matter how much it hurt. Of course he doesn't realize he SHOULDNT solve this mystery. He's too busy thinking of satisfying his promise to her. He's so blinded by this desire that hes been LIVING that he doesnt realize how bad the truth is here.

In other words: saihara should have been a character that utilized the build up of dependency issues and mental stress to its advantage. The build up is all there. It IS. but for some reason the game doesnt properly utilize it and often times it can make saihara and the game feel weak. Especially with how the game will go hot and cold on saiharas confidence (which could work, if used well due to his reliance on motivators, but felt more like inconsistency in the game)

[luvulyy]

Hella, can i request a Denji x Male reader, reader is a vocalist on denji's favorite metal band and they meet after a concert so they kinda hit it off from there?

𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐌𝐘 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓? ✷

𝖣𝖤𝖭𝖩𝖨 𝖷 𝖬𝖠𝖫𝖤 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: 𝐍/𝐀

Denji didn't care much for music or celebrities. They were all irrelevant, something that didn't affect his goals. They were for normal people, those who didn't need to constantly fight for their dreams. Really, he couldn't care less.

But you were different.

From the moment he heard your voice, he was hooked. He'd never even remotely thought he'd be a metal fan but the way you screamed, the absolute energy you radiated was addicting.

It was a secret comfort to him. He'd hum your songs while working, driving everyone else insane as he sang the same ones repeatedly. Your voice was like a warm hug after a long day, always there as he finally lay down to rest.

He'd secretly buy your merch, your cd's, and listen to your band at every possible opportunity. He'd try to be subtle and deny everything with red cheeks whenever Power teased him about it.

It had taken countless attempts of bribery and offers to do the chores to convince her to come to the concert with him. The days leading up he'd been noticably distracted, practically vibrating with excitement.

The concert itself was better than he could even dream. You seemed to glow on stage, like it was where you were born to be. It was hypnotising how confident you were up there, swinging around as you sang, your throaty voice mesmerising. It was over far too soon for Denji's liking, he could listen to you for hours.

He danced and sang along until his voice was hoarse. He'd never felt so at peace, jumping along to the volume. He was out of breath by the end, sweaty but unable to hide his joy.

He was still basking in your sound when the concert had ended and people were milling about, drinking and chatting. The music was still echoing in his head, so absorbed he didn't notice the band coming to mingle in the crowd.

When you walked past Denji's heart skipped a beat. You met his eyes and instantly, he froze.

He didn't believe in love at first sight or anything but seeing you right in front of him, looking at him, after being a fan for so long left him starstruck. Power had wandered off somewhere, probably looking for food so it was just you and him.

'Hey.' You smiled warmly at him and his stomach flipped. He simply gaped at you, unable to believe this was really happening.

You took a step closer, brows lightly furrowed. 'You alright?'

Your voice was even more musical when you spoke, clear but soft as it rang out. He didn't know what to say, as if fanboying was a good answer. 'Yeah, yeah... I am.'

The boy in front of you looked a little off, eyes completely alert. You couldn't help but move closer to him, concerned. It didn't hurt that he was... really cute. He looked your age, and radiated boyish charm. His scruffy blond hair was wild and spiky, it was clear he'd been banging along to the music.

You licked your lips as you watched his reactions. 'Mind telling me a bit about yourself, sweetheart?'

He flushed beautifully, clearly not used to the attention. 'I'm Denji. I'm here with my friend Power... and I'm a Devil Hunter?'

Now it was your eyes that widened as you stepped forward and grabbed his hands excitedly. It was adorable how your eyes lit up. 'Woah, that's so cool! I don't think I've ever spoken to one before. Thank you for your hard work.' You bowed your head as Denji proudly grinned.

Denji was a goner. Absolutely head over heels. You dressed so punk, sang like a fallen angel but your personality? You'd been nothing but postively sweet since you'd started talking. If it was anyone else it would be sickening but with you, your smiles were nothing but natural and enchanting.

As he watched you with puppy eyes you couldn't help but reach into your pockets and pull out a ticket. 'Hey, I hope this doesnt sound conceited but you listen? It's the least I can do.'

His jaw dropped wordlessly as he stared at the slip in your hand hungrily. Could you not feel the absolute awe exuding from him? 'Yeah... yeah I do.'

You grinned as you held it out for him to take, smile only widening as he took it gently, not able to believe it was real.

'It's a VIP for tomorrow's show. I don't think you'll mind hearing it again.' You winked openly at him. 'Plus I'd love to talk to you some more.'

Denji nodded, gobsmacked. Whatever had made the universe be so generous he didnt know, but he sure as hell was going to take the opportunity. 'Sure. Same here.'

You patted him on the head and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek as you walked pass. Electricity ran down his spine at the contact.

'I'll be looking for you!'

It was only as you walked away he realised he never got an autograph. He beamed cheek to cheek as he touched where your lips had ghosted, unable to believe his luck. He'd just have to ask tomorrow.

[lesserfandomappreciation]

Cute hcs for Tigress with a feline s/o who enjoys petting, hugging, and other signs of physical affection please!

While the world of Kung Fu Panda is very much set in a fantastical version of China, it is clear that culture also very much depends on the species of a person. Each person has different inclinations and nature depending on their species. Viper's backstory includes how ribbon dancing is integral to snake folk. Monkey seems to be of a nomadic people who are very free spirited. Wolves seem to be a very disenfranchised people if KFP 2 is anything to go off of while prey species like bunnies and geese both enjoy a number of privileges.

Honestly I could do an entire post on the worldbuilding in KFP and the theories I have but that's an entire different request if ever anyone asks.

Anyway- Tigress. Tigers in universe are a very hardy people with innate strength in comparison to the average citizen, with aggression and dominance in battle seen as a good thing. But just like the other feline species in-universe, physical affection is seen as a very natural part of life, a way to show care for another being.

Tigress has not grown up with this. Any of it.

Her time in the orphanage was spent in isolation from a very tender age, meaning she did not get any of the physical affection an average tiger child should get at her age. Master Shifu adopting her afterwards and distancing himself from her due to his previous negative experience with adopting children only exasperated the problem further, well into adulthood. Tigress is not accustomed to physical affection, at all.

Po is probably the first person to express physical affection to her constantly and frequently, and she's still not sure whether or not it's a good thing.

She supposes a part of the appeal of having a feline s/o is the ache for having someone similar to her be hers. Tai-Lung is the only feline (depending on whether or not you include the show as part of canon) that Tigress has met. A not-so-postive experience to be certain. A feline s/o who also sticks out of the crowd in the Valley of Peace is a really wonderful breath of fresh air.

S/o does share some of the experience Tigress has gone through. Sticking out. Being stronger than most. People being wary. The list goes on. S/o does have something Tigress does not. A healthy approach to physical affection.

Tigress blocked s/o's hand the first time they went to pet her out of affection. She thought it was an invitation to spar - s/o had to quickly show her that no, that's not what they wanted, by putting her hand on their head and letting her scritch. Their purrs confused Tigress. What the hell was that noise?

S/o may or may not be a violent person, but Shifu has about 5 seconds to explain to them why Tigress doesn't know anything about Tiger culture or the fact she can purr when she's happy you fuzzy peanut.

S/o makes it their mission to show Tigress what physical affection can look like and what she might be comfortable with (within reason). They can't let a fellow feline continue to go touch-starved like this!

It is a very slow process. Tigress is not comfortable with displays of affection in public, limiting the times and places s/o can show their physically how much they like her. That doesn't help. Do you know how hard it is to get privacy in the temple when anyone can slide the paper-thin doors as they please without warning?

They still manage. Tigress is very slow to warm up to some gestures. Hugs continue to be a difficult spot for her, but scritches, pets and hand-holding slowly become a very familiar way of showing affection between them. In the privacy they can find at least.

Tigress does not initiate often. If s/o wants affection they'd better make the first move, otherwise they'll be there all day and night long waiting for the unlikely to happen.

[taylorrepdetective]

sell in is the amount the stores buy and sell out is how much customers are buying from the stores.

Ah. I don’t know if this is publicly measured, but I doubt it. Will my ignorance stop me from speculating? No!

The reason I doubt it’s a public thing is because it feels like info that both the record company and the retailers would not need or want to divulge. What’s in it for anyone to give out this info?Especially when it could be bad, both for the record store that ordered too many vinyls, and for the artist/label with an unpopular product. You might get a lot of anecdotal evidence though (shelves full or empty.) Or if a record company is allowed per contract, if things are really good they might brag about it.

Ok now I’m going to ramble even more because I think this is interesting stuff. Your mileage will probably differ.

Assuming this is not a public data point for business reasons, then it can only be supposed from public info and educated guesswork. Which I imagine people in the industry do all the time. In the case of Adele, my understanding is that it’s a bit of a unique situation because it was leaked that she ordered 500,000 vinyls which tied up global vinyl production, pushing out many smaller artists and even possibly affecting big artists like Ed and Taylor (in that they may have had to order a different amount or at a different time than they would have liked.) And this leak makes it easier for people to see how she’s doing with the inventory side of sales. She sold about 100k the first week. Assuming she continues to sell at a decent clip in the next few weeks leading up to Christmas, and then sales drop off precipitously thereafter, it seems like it will be tough for her to sell 500k quickly enough to have made it worth it for her to order so many and piss people off. Here is some evidence of how tough it will be to sell 500k vinyls:

Maybe she’ll have another record breaking week with Black Friday and all, and break Taylor’s 2nd week vinyl record. But you can see why it’s going to be tough. It would take 12 weeks of record-breaking vinyl sales to get there, which considering she didn’t even break the first week record, seems very unlikely. This is why I suspect their 100k first week vinyl sales may have been a disappointment to them. Because not only would she have too much inventory, which is wasteful, but it can be bad PR because the headlines go from “Adele has biggest week of the year” to “Taylor’s re-recorded album outsells Adele’s long-anticipated new album.” Or “Small artists mad at Adele for delaying their albums while 30 collects dust.” So I imagine her PR team is working overtime to try to keep the headlines positive. Because they should be postive, except her team seem to have scored an own goal.

Also, for all we know, other artists could have done the same thing, but it wasn’t leaked that they over-ordered, so they don’t get any negative press about it.

Again I know nothing so don’t quote me on any of this.

~~~Adding this here to show how little I know:

—-Adding another thought to this. Taylor is releasing approximately 8 albums with heavy vinyl sales over the period of about 3 years, so she is also dominating vinyl manufacturing capacity, possibly more severely than Adele. I wonder if there will be more backlash against her from smaller artists. Something I imagine her PR team will keep an eye on.

[lockhvrts]

Hey Em! How you feeling about tlou2? I'm still sobbing 😭

hi rilee :’) hope you're doing well❤️ i actually wanted to ask you too lmao and same this game wrecked me  

..okay so i have many thoughts n things i want to say id actually just would link you a review that goes more into detail and is more cohesive than my messy essay so i’ll try my best and keep this short as possible tho and i apologize for my english lmfao : 

SPOILERS FOR TLOU2 OBVIOUSLY

also if anyone disagrees with me and is about to send me an essay why i am a h*mophobic,  tr*nsphobic and alt r*ght piece of trash bc i didnt praise the shit out of tlou2

i'm glad that you enjoyed the game so much that its a masterpiece and 10/10 in your eyes , i honestly respect your opinion (and i wanted to love this game too) but maybe rethink what you're about to do and let other people have different opinions without bashing them? it literally doesn't affect you in any way that i didn't enjoy it ( and no it wasn't enjoyable for me bc a character i like died)

postive: 

the gameplay is fluid and responsive (there were some minor issues but its still great), definitely improved compared to the first game, id love to have a little bit of more enemy variety bc it got kind of tiring after the 20th encounter that basically felt the same as the ones before (tho i appreciate the stealth gameplay , sneaking around the map and taking out enemies while being prone like in mgsv was thrilling)

animation, graphics , level design, acting, sound design: ND succeeded in creating another jaw dropping immersive cinematic experience is all i have to say, this is one the best looking games i've ever played (i cant believe a 7 yr old machine can run this game)

music:  i'm glad that gustavo santaolalla is back for the sequel! it wouldn't feel the same without him, his music adds so much to the experience 

negative: the controversial part lmao

story, characters:  I’ll be honest i prefer tlou1 + left behind story wise. i personally don't like the structure of it in the sequel, too many empty side characters, some character / plot decisions generally didn't make sense for me, the dialogue/writing felt out of place and kind of odd sometimes (compared to the scenes from the flashbacks with joel and ellie) and the last hours were dragged out for some reason i just wanted to be done as quickly as possible with it tbh  

jesse was your typical nice guy™ who will definitely be killed off to move the plot forward. the only thing i remember is that he’s dinas ex boyfriend + father of jj dont get me wrong i like and didn't mind him but he has nothing interesting to add to the story. also funny how they literally did not mention him once after his death 

owen and the other WLF members were just kinda there..? i don't have much else to say about them besides that they felt empty i tried to understand them and their stories but i didn't care for them in the end its prob my fault but henry, sam, bill and riley were more compelling to me

lev and yara were great i liked them both , its just that especially lev was just there to make abby seem more humane, i didn't like that ND tried to create a similar dynamic between them like in the first game with ellie and joel it didn't particularly make me like her more speaking of which:

 abby shows barely to no remorse for the things she did. what she did show was that she enjoyed torturing joel, killing seraphites and almost knowingly murdering a pregnant women (dina) and now ND shoves us this forced narrative of her being a good person into our face like how she would've accepted to die for the cure, has friends and a dog that she treats well (which we as ellie were forced to kill to make her seem even more like a villain in contrast to abby) , takes care of yara and lev (granted out of guilt for joel maybe? but i'm not sure) also making her seem more humane bc she has a fear of height? but abby would kill anyone who is not on her good side this time without a problem as we’ve seen plenty while playing as her what i'm surprised about is that i weirdly didn't hate her or anything guess they succeeded in making me feel some pity for her in the end 

yes i also had some issues with the way tommy, ellie and joel were portrayed but i think i'm gonna stop here and give you a 

TLDR:

gameplay ,graphics, animation, acting etc: solid 9/10

story (structure, writing, dialogue,characters etc) : 4-5/10 seems harsh but i am comparing it to the first game, if this was a different ip maybe an 8/10

all in all a its 6-7/10 for me, this game made me feel emotions (not particularly positive ones lmfao) i've never felt in any other medium before, only the first game comes close.

 tlou2 is bleak, hopeless and messy at times with some rare light moments like the flashbacks of joel and ellie that i enjoyed the most and wished we’d gotten more of while also exploring joel and ellie's present relationship on her quest of finding the truth about the hospital incident and maybe also learning more about her immunity  alas this was not the case as seemingly promoted by neil and some misleading trailers.

would i want to play this again? to be honest not really I’ll maybe try clearing the trophies but going back to just casually play it like i did with tlou1 no i don't think so for now.

[reylo-love-theme]

Specific personal reasons why Ben dying really hurt

Disclaimer: i know people have had many dif reactions to this movie and for those of you that liked it good for you. this is my personal opinion on my own blog so please don't attack or debate me in the comments just go make your own post please if you feel that. I respect you all and I'm just trying to cope.

This post is for people who are in a similar situation as me and want a place to relate or their thoughts turned into words.

1. I'm a childhood abuse victim myself and 2019 was a terrible year full of my trying to deal with my past and my cptsd and my toxic shame. I barely made it.

Ben Solo was a reminder that it's not too late to save yourself and that people you love do care for you. I literally leaned solely on reylo fanfiction during my darkest times for this aspect of hurt/comfort and redemption and recovery.

2. I had never went to watch a movie of my own free will (see number 1). Doing this was terrifying since I had to overcome so many triggers. I chose to watch TROS so that it would end my year on a happy note with a postive message of hope, love and recovery.

3. The only reason that I shipped Reylo was because I had investigated very throughly and had become certain they would get a happy ending.

I have a tendency of relying on fictional characters for the support I do not have in real life so I needed to choose who I love very carefully or else when I loose them I'm actually in terrible pain.

The worst thing was that I wasn't prepared for it. (Preparing and being nihilist had given me depression and I literally pulled myself out of that thought process for this hope of Ben living. It seemed so close to happening and I got stabbed in the stomach and left in a puddle of blood)

Now, I'm struggling really hard not to blame myself for falling for false hope again (I had made that mistake once and swore off hope for like 11 years) (even though I know that being so cynical is terrible for my health)

4.I stepped on Reylo in 2018/2019 fully and spent a whole year looking forward to this movie. It brought me so much joy and I tamped out my inner cynic that said "putting your hope in something you love will only let you down".

I told myself that even with all that has happened in 2019, making it to December and watching the movie would be symbolic for me (a way of saying "look world, I made it.")

5. The message the movie sends me is just.... I really can't. I don't understand why it couldn't be a happy ending for Ben who literally redeemed himself. For me personally, I don't consider a kiss and a smile and then death a happy ending. What does that mean for me? A person who related so heavily to this broken struggling character. Does it mean that all my pain was worth nothing in the end? That those who I love will never love me back or remember me or even care that I was abused and my trauma made me a literal walking self-defence mechanism? That the only ending the general population accepts as morally correct is for "bad" abuse victims to die?

And the message of Ben dying for someone he loves (while not a bad trope) is toxic because of the way it is shown. Even with the emoting on Rey's behalf, it's not enough to justify someone dying for that. (There just isn't enough romance or support from Rey (unlike TLJ)) It seemed like an unbalenced love (because of the way Rey just kept on rejecting him and hurting him without really trying to help (until the end where literally he sacrificed himself, would someone who loved you do that?)

And the additional message that Ben's family would help a random stranger but not the person that literally needed them and still loved them after all the abandoment he went through. My family literally turned a blind eye (or just blamed me as a weakling for reacting to it) to my abuse and that is what happens to Ben. Even at his death, not one single member of his family (Han was just a memory) was there to mourn him or even help him (Leia's disappearance thing I'm so confused on what the heck happened, why the heck did Maz smile if Ben just literally died and his mom died trying to save him.)

And no one bothered to be on his side, he literally had to redeem himself the whole way. That isn't a good message to people who need help. It's literally saying that you are the only one who can save yourself (not a bad message by itself but the strength of the message comes from the fact that others can stand by you as you save yourself not BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL OR WILL HELP YOU)

Anakin sidelineing him for Rey was just salt in the wound.

As someone who's pain was literally ignored and laughed at by the whole family, this was immensely rage inducing.

And what about rey and her character development? I also had related to her for being abandoned by her parents and left to fend for herself. She was a nobody who was strong on her own. She didn't need to be related to a strong lineage. Additonally, ending up all alone on the same kind of desert she started at is not a good message. ( I get the nostalgia thing but they could have literally used any other character, Rey wasn't a good choice for that scene) First off, she wanted to get off jakku. She wanted a family. Ben told her she wasn't alone. Next, she needed to realize that being a nobody didn't mean she was worthless ( a strong and powerful message to ordinary girls) (not find out oops i was from a loving family all along!!!) That isn't good plot when she literally spend two movies recovering from her parents abandonment (it makes it seem like ohhh they loved you and this was the only best

thing they could do!! XOXO (this is a common victim blaming trick abuse apologizers use to silence victims pain)) it would have made sense if she found this out earlier but to do this to an already developed character arc is just sucky. Her turning dark influenced by palp is not as good a message as her turning dark influenced by her past and her overcoming it anyway. For star wars, a theme has always been hope, love and redemption and I feel like the theme was picked up but not carried through in one character, instead spread throughout everyone but leaving a sense of unsatisfactory ending since no one really ended their arc. (In my opinion, you can have a different one)

6. Ben dying. That is just cruel and sadistic..there were already so many "surprise they are alive illogically!" Moments that JJ could literally have pulled one for Ben a final time and no one would have batted an eye. It would have suited the style of the movie. It was such a bad shock for me. The movie already baited my heart several times with Ben nearly dying and I cheered internally when he came back. I held out my hope till the very end of the credits and this movie just made of fool of me. I was ready to gloss over any and all flaws and buy merch if only Ben had been loved and lived.

7. The way it affected me. (Warning this might be upsetting to read so skip if you don't want to hear about mental health right now)

I was in so much shock as I stumbled out of the theater that I literallt thought I was going to be okay. I couldn't feel anything and I felt sick and empty. (That's not a reaction a star wars movie should give or any "hopeful" movie)(this is coming from someone who has watched the sacrifical death trope many times and cried (it was a good hurt))

This wasn't because there was literally no resolution or purpose to the death. It seemed like a cliche trope failure of redemption=death. But with the added on "no mourning, superfical loss". (It would have been more acceptably had it been a side character, bad writing can excuse it, but for a main half of the protagonist this is just sick)

I wandered home mechanically on Friday and then as soon as I thought back to the scene where Ben smiled and died I broke down crying. And I lost all my appetite and felt nauseous for an entire two days. I barely ate two meals during that time because I was so distraught and my mental health crashed completely back into my worse cptsd symptoms and nightmares and insomnia and waking up to panic attacks. I wasn't functioning, I kept trying to pull myself together but my only postive coping mechanism(reading reylo fanfiction) was gone. In fact I felt betrayed that my coping mechanism would actually be the cause of my pain.

I completely felt like those two days were actually traumatizing and as someone who has actually experienced traumatic events I'm using the word in a serious way. Anything can hurt you badly enough if you put enough of your heart and vulnerability into it.

Now it's Monday I'm just trying to recover enough to go outside again but I feel really tired. I'm trying to salvage my christmas and my life as a big middle finger to whoever decided that abuse and mental health could be used as convenient plot points and just discarded and laughed at.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Summer 2019 Anime Overview: Carole and Tuesday (final episodes)

I ended up having a lot more to say about Carole and Tuesday’s second season than I thought I did! It delved into some pretty varied and complex issues, after all. I did an EXTREMELY brief review/reaction( to the first half/season of the show you can see here. This review continues from that but is much more involved.

Carole and Tuesday (second half/ episodes 13-24)

Carole and Tuesday’s second half really expands its scope and goes all-out into the zone of social commentary in a way that I didn’t expect. Dang. I’m definitely impressed. There were hints of this in the first part, with Carole being a refugee from Earth who had very limited means and opportunities, while Tuesday came from a privileged background but ran away to escape a mother who cared more about her political career and public approval than her children’s well-being.

The second half delves into this much more, and condemns the policies of deportation and general public attitudes towards refugees and undocumented immigrants. Since the part of Mars our protagonists live inhabit pretty clearly meant to be analogous to New York, the plotline definitely meant to be a criticism of what’s going on in American politics right now. Of course Japan also notoriously has a lot of problems accepting immigrants and I think Watanabe and the rest of the staff probably wanted to say something about that too. 

Tuesday’s mom is able to climb the political ranks by calling for deportation of refugees on Mars- and in a chillingly accurate bit of commentary, she does this  solely to gain popularity with the public, and an even richer white man who has a corporate monopoly easily flouts laws and ethics to push her campaign. Black people are shown to be the first ones targeted for deportation and the black men who speak out are “made an example of”. The show doesn’t go so far to have anyone be killed (which is for the best, it’s unnecessary to go that far to make the point), police brutality is depicted and condemned, one man is targeted and beaten a bit despite not physically resisting, and a pair of men simply walking on the street are manhandled and arrested for “obstructing officers” despite doing absolutely nothing illegal. These marginalized folks continue to bravely fight back, even releasing protest raps from jail. And it’s pointed out to Tuesday that her mom is targeting people who are like her best friend and maybe she should step up and do something about it.

All of that is really good, and the show is firmly on the side of the minorities fighting back, and is all about how art should be used to challenge and reject oppression. It encourages diversity, unity, and takes a stand against persecution of immigrants, forced deportation and censorship. And how the show does this witha multi-cultural cast and a lot of developed characters from different backgrounds is great- there’s a love for all different kinds of music and acknowledgement that music owes everything to people of color. I especially appreciated the show going out of it’s way to depict how rap is often a tool for resistance.

That said, while the show’s message is positive and I appreciate its optimism and good intentions, the ending felt a little too neat and overly simplistic.It might be reductive to say the show goes so far to say racism can be solved if you sing a song, it’s more like “yeah use music to resist!” but the way the police are SO EASILY talked out of violence when they come to shut things down, the neat and simple way the political situation is resolved, and ALL the prison guards being willing to help out minorities in jail with no argument- yeah, I think it’s fair to say it wouldn’t go that smoothly in real life. However, the show seems to sincerely trying to send a message of hope, even if the execution is a little simplistic and lacking. 

The show is just sort of messy when it comes to its plot, themes and issues in general- I’d say it tries to do a little too much, so every arc is left feeling kind of underdeveloped and a lot of things are just...dropped. There are several examples of this.

Two mothers are both major characters in the show, and the show tries to make a connection there and say something about motherhood at the last second, but it’s muddled and contradictory. It’s stated that mothers can either chain you down or give you guidance and freedom, which is true, but we’re ONLY shown awful moms throughout the show, who have a large negative impact on their childrens’ life and hardly any positive impact, so celebrating motherhood at all feels bizarre. 

And the idea that this one mom isn’t all bad and maybe can be reasoned with is jarring since there aren’t any examples in the show of her postively affecting her child or being a good mom in the past. It’s so muddled I don’t know if I can say the show crosses over into abuse apologism (it’s at least made clear that if that mom doesn’t take her one chance to start to make amends, the kids will step aside and let her be taken down) but it really edges on it, and this is definitely something the show should have developed more and executed better

Another really muddled plot element with a lot of weird implications was the whole “martian androgyny syndrome” thing. It didn’t tun out as badly as I feared it might, but it was really hard to say why it was even there or what the show was trying to do with it. 

Basically, being on Mars can lead to some sort of vague condition where your sex changes I guess? And maybe it’s eventually fatal for some reason? And maybe the medication that treats it (by trying to stop the change? by addressing side effects? it’s not clear what it even does) causes uncontrollable anger??? That last part is especially uncertain because it’s only stated once by a person who might be trying to justify their abusive behavior BUT it’s also true that out of the three groups introduced in the show who have the syndrome, the people who (probably) take the meds have explosive tempers while the person who explicitly doesn’t is calm so????

 Anyway, the syndrome isn’t presented as uniformly negative, the calm person who doesn’t take the meds is a good person who is okay with their condition and they identify as non-binary and make a nice speech about it. But they’re also, y’know, dying, so. Again, it’s really unclear why this is even a plot element since it goes nowhere and gets explored so little and what is actually even going on with the syndrome and the medication is SO VAGUE. It doesn’t help that 2/3 of the people afflicted look like stereotypical anime caricatures of trans women. The idea that being intersex/getting a sex change/whatever is supposed to be happening is a death sentence isn’t great either.

And that kind of extends to the character arcs, relationships and plot in general a bit- there were a lot of things that were underdeveloped and muddled, which made the characters a little hard to connect to. Even the sci-fi aesthetic felt a little half-baked- I guess it’s a alternate history because we’re in Mars but Instagram is still a thing and modern singers are being referenced, but exactly how this world works went pretty underexplored. At least the text at the encourages viewers to use their creativity and continue the story themselves, so even the show itself is telling ficcers to get on it and make sense of this mess, okay. (Seriously though, I always enjoy seeing pro writers inviting the viewers to continue their story. Let those fic flags fly!)

Carole and Tuesday is definitely not perfect, but it’s entertaining, warm, visually beautiful and bursting with a love and respect for music. It’s features awesome tunes and varied and intriguing characters. The pro-diversity message that extends support for the marginalized and especially immigrants and refugees is very needed in these troubled times, and it’s theme of unity is very sweet

It’s an thought-provoking show clearly made with a lot love and largely positive intentions, so if you can handle the mixed and concerning implications of some of the more muddled bits, I encourage checking it out. 

[fabulouspotatosister]

emergency plus one

a/n: i. actually can’t explain this fic. i actually just wanted to hold the doctor’s hand and write fluff so this was born. enjoy!

So, the good news:

 - you were been invited to a wedding by an old friend (fun!);  - there was probably gonna be a lot of food and drink and good music;  - and the Doctor was coming with you!

But with the postives, there are negatives, like:

 - The Doctor parked the TARDIS right beside the reception venue and just minutes after it started (so you were late);  - you weren't wearing the right clothes, in face you were still wearing a heavy jacket from your last visit to an icy planet;  - and the Doctor was coming with you.  - And she was with you.  - Right now.

Cut to the reception, where the Doctor's standing next to the buffet table, leaning down to look at every dish carefully. She's making passing comments like "this plate looks like a bunch of Enochian eyes! I should know, I was an Enochian surgeon for a few years," (she was, you were there - unfortunately) or "Did you know, I once went to a wedding where the buffet table was the size of the planet! Granted, it was a small planet, but can you imagine that?"

You're sure some of the guests are talking about her, but you're too busy watching her to care. She's a whirlwind in a lilac coat, and she's mesmerizing to just look at. A bright smile with even brighter eyes and a brighter mind.

Is it okay for me to look at her like that? you wonder, with such adoration? With such affection? With such -

You turn when someone calls your name - slowly in your heavy jacket - and find the bride, glowing in a flowing white gown, flowers in her braided hair, beaming at you. You manage an awkward smile.

"I'm so glad you could come," she says softly. "When are you going to introduce us?"

"To?"

"To her, silly. That lady you came with. The one you keep staring at."

You glance at the Doctor just as she picks up a grape, and she catches your eye. Ah.

"Her," you mutter, hiding your hands behind your back. You clasp and unclasp them. "She's - uh, she's a friend. We met while she was travelling."

Suddenly, the Doctor's beside you, all polite smiles. The air smells like honey all of a sudden. "Actually, I met her. I'm the Doctor."

The bride beams once more. You can't help but hate how she looks so amused, seeing the two of you stand together. There's a mischievous shine in the bride's eyes as she rubs her gloved hands together, daintily.  

"Doctor, so nice to meet you," she says, and then looks at you, somewhat pointedly. "Is she your date?"

The word echoes in your mind, date, and your eyes flit to the Doctor's. She isn't looking at you, her mind working.

And for some reason, for some inexplicable reason, you take this small moment in time to memorize the features of the Doctor's face - from the small marks on her face (like constellations) that slope over every nook and cranny to the brightness and intensity of her hazel eyes and to her lips as they purse in thought. What would you give to see her every day, to admire her not as if she was something on display, but as if she  belonged to you?

The thought of it - it's a lot. It's a lot.

"Yes," the words just burst out of your mouth. Stop it! "She's - she is my date. We travel together. She's like my plus one! For today at least. We're not, you know -" You're rambling - "together or anything - "

And then - you feel a hand wrap around yours, feel fingers thread through yours and clasp together just as easy as breathing - and you look down, and the Doctor is holding your hand.

"Shush," she says, soothingly. "Yes, I'm her date."

There is something unspoken about the way she holds your hand. It's different - it isn't like when she grabs your hand in desperation, pulling you away from danger.

(Right now, it's almost like she's pulling you to danger.)

But you don't care about that - instead you focus on the way your hand feels in hers, and how natural it is, and how you could do this forever.

You can't help it. You smile, and the Doctor turns to look at you. Slowly, a smile spreads over her features as well, and the sight could rival the sun.

The bride looks pleased. She clasps her hands together. "Well then, I'll be off! Have fun with your date, dear!"

She walks off, a long white gown trailing after her as she disappears into a crowd of guests.

You exhale, fully expecting the Doctor to let go of your hand because the ruse was over, but she doesn't let go. She grasps it tighter instead, looking at you like you're something she's never seen before. Her eyes bright, full of wonder.

"Aren't you going to let go of my hand now?" you ask, even though your brain is screaming at you that you should never let go.

But the Doctor smiles, and looks down. "Oh, I don't know. I quite like this, actually."

She swings your hand in hers, placing her free hand in her coat pocket, and you just enjoy it. The feeling's yours, for now.

(You end up holding the Doctor's hand for most of the reception, even as she drags you around to look at food and compare it to things she's seen on her travels, and even as she threads through crowds of people to find a place to dance. She doesn't seem to mind.)

[agrarianradfem]

I learned today that the reason one of my cohort members has a baby is because her doctor fucked up her pregnancy test, told her it was negative, and then handed the test off to a nurse or something to put into the computer. Nurse reads that the test is postive, notes it in her chart.

At 27 weeks pregnant, second time she’s been to the doctor because she’s experiencing unexplained weight gain, missed periods and constipation, doc asks why she hasn’t been documented as seeing an obgyn for prenatal care. Remember, doc told her she wasn’t pregnant. There’s also no referral in her chart to an obgyn so she clearly wasn’t seeing anyone.

27 weeks is too late to do anything. It’s a good thing she went back to the doctor though because her son was born 6 weeks later. She had 6 weeks to come to terms with having to withdraw mid semester from grad school, find money for baby things, worry about how the lack of prenatal care and her occasional drinking would affect the baby, and wrap her head around having a baby she would have aborted if she’d known. If only that male doctor hadn’t fucked up reading the test somehow.

She’s decided since she’s moving to a different state and becoming an adjunct professor that she doesn’t have the energy or time to sue.

[pink-link]

so @nartothelar posted this really rad art of an au where aizawa’s quirk gave him a lot of eyes and i loved it so much i went over board and made a whole ass story so read below

I really wanted to think of a cool way that eye-zawa could be canon SO i thought ok. yakuza made a drug that took away quirks, so what if there was a way they made a drug that could CORRUPT quirks, like with very different side affects on a case by case basis.

some of the effects are postive, but all of them mutate the quirk in some form or fashion, so aizawa mutates multiple eyes?

i also came up with a little narrative where somehow the drug gets given to the faculty of U.A. and the kids have to refight their teachers with these mutated quirks. i havent figured out everyones, but like aizawa has multiple eyes, mic’s sound is much more dangerous to the point where he cant talk normally (i call him silent mic)  all might has this whole hulk-bruce banner thing going on, and midnights body like becomes her gas? idk.

if you want me to go on about this, message me and i will GLADLY do so

in the meantime heres a shitty mock up of what i think mic would look like

[12stem5christinejoy]

Every person has experienced various stress; may it be from school, work, peers or family. Stress is a part of life. Positive stress is the stress we feel when we are excited. No threat or fear is being imposed. It results to motivation, focus and productivity. One positive stress that I have experienced is knowing that I am one of the honor students of the class. It makes me feel motivated to do better and it realls affects my mood. It gives me the urge for determination, improvement and productivity. On the other hand, I have also experienced negative stress. The death of my mother did not only cause me stress but my family as a whole. It was a devastating news knowing that a loved one who is very dear to us is no longer with us. It is still very sad to hear how each day passes without seeing her. It breaks my heart how a lot has changed ever since she was gone. I am aware of my tipping point when it comes to stress. When my stress reaches its peak, it is when I break down and doesn't want to continue doing things that I have to do. Honestly speaking, I am a perfectionist when it comes to things. I also want things to be organized and I don't want to delay doing things. When it doesn't go my way, I get really stressed and it comes to a point where I don't want to do it anymore. I lose interest and don't want to exert effort. This is the time where I just settle for less to get the job done. But, I am doing my best to not tolerate this kind of behaviour and cope up with the stress that I deal with strategies and techniques. My take away for this lesson is life really depends on how you handle it. It depends on how you respond to a situation. It is like choosing between two roads. Each will have consequences that will affect your life. The only thing that makes the two different is one is postive response to situations and the other is negative. When it comes to stress, the only way to combat its negative effects is the way we respond to it. It is the way we cope up with it. In order to combat its negative effects, we should set ourselves some coping strategies and techniques. In this way, we get to release the pent up emotions that is from within. But even if you tell a person comforting and encouraging words to console him, if that person chooses to stay low, he will remain low. The choice lies in us. Our friends and familes are just there for advices, love, and companionship. They're not the ones who will pull us up. It is us who is capable of pulling ourselves up. It is our choice on how to respond to stress.

[finding-hope-strength-courage]

Someone I Trusted - 14/01/2021

I’m not really sure where to start with this or how because it’s quite painful to talk about but I need to write it somewhere.

An overview is that I had someone I used to talk to about how I was feeling in life, someone I trusted and looked up to like a father figure. Unfortunately I found out a couple of years ago that person wasn’t who I thought they were and it hurt me more than I can find the words to say.

Growing up my Dad wasn’t really a talker or a listener. He’d avoid the deep or emotional chat as much as he could. I understand now that it was hard for him but unfortunately it caused me to feel like he didn’t care or love me enough, which of course I now know wasn’t true, but it was hard. I just wanted to be able to talk to him about how I felt as it was hard for me being a teenager. After going through the grief of losing my Mum and Granny it left me with so many feelings I didn’t understand, feelings I needed to talk about and be heard. I thought maybe my Dad resented me because I reminded him of my Mum which made me feel ashamed and guilty too.

I realised I couldn’t open up to my Dad about these feelings and struggles and in the end I found someone who I could, a teacher. Someone I could trust and confide in. He supported me in the ways my Dad couldn’t - just by listening and not judging me. He’d offer advice when he could but it was so unfamiliar to me to feel heard and like my emotions were valid. My Dad knew I started talking to a teacher and I actually think he was grateful for this because it meant he didn’t have to have conversations that were painful for him.

I’d grown up telling myself I was weak for feeling so much and needing to cry so often so I did my best to bury and supress the feelings I had, of course that made it worse but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I grew up around family that didn’t show their emotions and just got on with life. After my Mum died I don’t really ever remember her being mentioned much or talked about, especially not in a postive way so I felt like I wasn’t meant to think about her either. Opening up to my teacher about this helped me so much because I realised that it was okay to feel the things I did and that being upset didn’t make me weak.

It may sound strange that I spoke to a teacher so much because I had great friends around me but I never wanted to be a burden to them and because I felt so unhappy I didn’t want to bring others down. I also felt I needed support from an adult too, someone who could offer advice and someone more my parents age I suppose because the things I needed to talk about a lot, I struggled at times to with people my own age. I did have some counselling for a few months too when I was 16 and this was also very helpful. It was good to speak about issues to a stranger who didn’t know me.

During this time I actually pushed people away a lot or tried to, thankfully my close friends didn’t let me and struck around and were there for me still despite me needing to be alone a lot with my own thoughts or needing to talk to adults instead.

I talked to my teacher mostly about grief and how it affected me not remembering or really knowing my mum. I talked about feelings of guilt I’d felt for most of my life regarding my mum and that I felt I should have been able to help her more (obviously I know now that I was too young to know what was going on let alone help her). I talked about anxieties I had. I opened up about something I was extremely ashamed of and even though I no longer struggle with it I still don’t like to talk about it for fear of judgement; Self-Harm (I’d like to write about my struggles with this sometime but I find it hard because I guess I’m still a bit ashamed and scared of the judgement). I talked about how low I felt in who I was as a person. I talked about my relationship with my Dad. I talked about friendships and school work. I talked about how I always felt different and like I didn’t really belong. It actually makes me sad to remember how I felt all those years ago because I’ve grown up a lot since then and overcome so much but I’ll never forget those times and I know so many children and young people struggle with similar issues, life is tough for so many. My counselling sessions covered similar topics too and helped me to understand my emotions more.

Like I said, during this time I needed a lot of time to myself when it was break and lunchtimes at school. If I wasn’t talking to my teacher I’d either be walking very fast around the school listening to music, which looked very strange to all who saw me but it was a method I used to manage my anxiety, or I’d be sat alone somewhere trying to find some peace. This was harder because friends and peers would always come up to me with good intentions to talk and be nice and I’d be rude and either tell them I needed to be alone or just walk off. I feel guilty for this now but I desperately needed quiet and space because there was too much going on in my mind.

I’ll write more about all this another time because it’s actually quite hard to write about because it was such a difficult time for me and my mental health. It’s also difficult remembering the support I had and knowing what I do now makes me feel sad.

After I left school following my A Levels I kept in contact with the teacher who supported me so much. This was only via email but it meant a lot to me. The year after I left school turned out to be the toughest yet. University didn’t work out and I was incredibly unhappy and then in the following April my Dad died. Being able to still email the person who’d supported me through so much helped more than I can say. He was a great support after my Dad died, I visited my old school to talk to him and also other past teachers too during this time, it was a great comfort to go back to the place that felt safe and secure during this time, maybe that’s weird but it was what I needed. Being able to talk to someone who already knew my struggles and understood me helped so much in the years after losing my Dad. I only spoke to him via email or at school but it helped so much. I felt guilty because I hate needing people in life and like I’m a burden always needing support if that makes sense.

Anyway, I’ll write about some of these things in more detail another time. All I know is that I always found it hard to trust people in life and being able to talk to my teacher changed things for me. Just knowing someone would listen and cared meant everything to me. Unfortunately I found out a couple of years ago that the person I trusted and looked to like a parent figure actually wasn’t who I thought he was.

I won’t go into details because firstly it’s actually nothing to do with me so not really my place to but also it’s too hard to really say what I found out. It was something that happened years before I even knew him but it changed everything and I’m still trying to come to terms with it I think.

Trust is hard in life no matter who you find to open up to but when it’s broken it makes you question so many things. I know for some it might seem weird that the person I turned to was a teacher but as a teenager I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone else, I knew it needed to be an adult because I needed advice that could only be found from someone older and I was too scared to open up to my Dad or Step-Mum.

I’ll never forget the support he gave me over the years and I do believe he cared but it hurt me so much to find out what I did. Honestly it broke me for a time, someone I looked to as a father figure, someone who listened to me without judgement, someone I trusted and looked up to. It’s just hard I guess when you lose people in life for whatever reasons.

[forever-dancing-in-a-daydream]

Conor Maynard Imagine- “I’m pregnant””I’m going to kill you”

Requested! A request that wasn’t for Jack 😂🎉💗 Hope you like it xx

—

Your pregnancy test was on the side in the bathroom but you were terrified to go look at it. If you were pregnant it was Conor’s baby and you and Conor weren’t in the best place in your relationship right now and bringing a baby into the picture was not going to help at all.

You checked the time 11:30 Conor might be back from partying soon or he might not and telling him you’re pregnant while he’s really drunk is not something you wanted to do.

You took a deep breath before slowly picking up the pregnancy test.

You dropped it.

Postive. No,no,no! This can’t be happening.

You didn’t know what to do.

You felt tears welling in your eyes.

You were terrified Conor would break up with you when you told him.

Conor had been feeling very depresssed lately and he was dealing with it in the worse possible way. Getting really drunk so he didn’t have to feel anymore. You two constantly were arguing about how often he went out and got wasted and it was ruining your relationship.

You sat on the bathroom floor for what felt like hours debating what to do.

You checked the time again, 1:30.

He should be back by now.

You decided to call Jack and ask him to bring Conor home.

Jack often didn’t drink that much when they went out now so he could look after his older brother.

You called Jacks number.

“Y/n hey, is everything okay?” He asked.

“Uh yeah ca-n you just Uh bring Conor home?” You asked he could hear it in your voice that you had been crying.

“Y/n what’s wrong? What happened?” Jack asked concerned.

“Just get Conor home.”You said before hanging up.

Just before you hung up you heard Conor say something about you in the background and all the boys laugh.

That stung. You thought he probably said something like “There’s always something wrong with her, she probably sad I’m out having fun and she’s not”.

The effect alcohol could have on him was crazy. He would go from the most loving boyfreind ever. Who would always want to be holding your hand or touching you in some way and also want to snuggle, to someone that was almost unrecognisable to you. He’d get angry easlily, he’d yell at you and he’d say thing that sober Conor would never say.

Eventaully there was a knock on the door.

You opened it to find Jack,Joe, Josh and Conor. Surprisingly it seemed like Conor wasn’t so drunk he was about to pass out.

“Why did you have to ruin my night of funnn?!” He slurred.

“Because, one its almost 2 am so it’s morning and two I need to talk to you” You hissed slightly.

He walked in, the boys were still stood at the door.

“Thank-“ You tried to say but were cut of by Conor.

“Why did you decide youuu wanted to talk to me at 3 amm?” He said still slurring.

“2, its 2 am and I’ll tell you but I need to say goodbye to your freinds first” You said trying to stay as calm as possible.

“Nooo let them stayyy” He insisted.

“Nah Conor it’s fine we’re leaving now” Joe said and they all gave you a sympathetic look.

They all understood that Conor’s depression could have an affect on you aswell. Well not really his depression but the way he acted because of it.

“Thank you guys bye!” You said as you closed the door.

“Why did you have to make them leave, you’re no fun at all!” He groaned.

His words hurt but you tried to brush it off.

“Because-“ You tried to explain but he cut you off again.

“You know the girls at the clubbb are wayyy more fun that you” He slurred.

You felt like someone had punched you hard in the chest. You never really thought about Conor kissing or sleeping with other girls when he was drunk. Because you trusted him. But then you remembered drunk Conor was and entirely different person.

This wasn’t the Conor you loved, this was the part of conor you hated.

“Don’t look so hurt I don’t actually sleep with them, I just have a bit of fun” He winked.

“Conor why are you doing this?” You asked, you felt tears welling in your eyes.

“What?” He asked.

“Trying to make me feel like shit” You were trying your best to hide your tears.

“Because you’re no fun” He said casually like it didn’t bother him at all that he was hurting you.

“Conor I’m pregnant” You blurted out.

“You’re what!” He yelled at you.

“I’m pregnant!” You repeated.

He leant on the kitchen work top and put his head in his hands.

“Im going to Jacks house he’s probably still up partying!” He walked out and slammed the door.

“No conor!” You yelled

“Please don’t leave.” You cried.

You sat by the door crying your eyes out.

You called his phone and found it on the work top. You threw if full force at a wall and watched it break into pieces on the floor.

You didn’t care.

-

It was gone 3 am when Conor staggered in.

Followed by Joe and Jack.

Conor barely even noticed you sat on the sofa with tears rolling down your face he saw his phone broken on the floor.

“Y/N IM GOING TO KILL YOU!” He yelled and turned to look at you.

He picked up his brand new iPhone X that you had completely destroyed.

Jack and Joe stood there unsure what to do.

“I didn’t mean to break it” You mumbled.

“Then why did you throw it at a wall?!” He hissed but down all the broken pieces on the kitchen work top.

“Because I was mad at you” You said.

He death glared you.

“Boys you can leave.” He told Jack and Joe.

Jack and Joe looked unsure. They looked at you to see your response.

“Just go” You mumbled.

So they left.

“For fuck sake!” He said slamming his hands on the work top.

“I’m sorry” You mumbled.

He didn’t even look at you he just staggered into the bedroom where you assume he fell asleep.

You slept on the sofa, well you didn’t really sleep that much.

You couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened.

You were terrified to talk to Conor in the morning.

What if that was it? What is your relationship was about to end? What would happen to the baby?

You heard Conor walk in at about 11 am.

You got up.

He saw his phone. Memories of what happened last night flooded in to his brain. Why did he say that? Why did he do that?

He turned around to look at you.

“Y/n” He mumbled and came and stood next to you.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” You asked quietly.

“Yeah.” He said looking down.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to break your-“ He cut you of by placing a finger over you lips.

“Shh, you did nothing wrong, I’m the one who should be apologising.” He said softly.

“I’m sorry for being such a shitty boyfreind. I don’t desvere you y/n. I’m so fucking sorry that I treated you like shit last night. I’m sorry about the way I reacted when you told me your pregnant.And I just want to say you have every right to want to break up with me.” He explained tears welling in his eyes.

“I love you Conor, I just hate drunk you.” You felt a tear roll down your cheek.

He Conor wiped away your tears.

“I’m sorry, I promise I’ll quit drinking. I wouldn’t drink again. That is if you still want to be with me?” He asked nervously.

“ I do.” You whispered and kissed him softly.

“I love you so fucking much y/n and I’m so excited to be a dad” He whispered.

“Shh don’t cuss in front of the baby” You giggled.

“But-“ You cut him off by kissing him again.