#but thats still defining me by my trauma!!!! i dont want to be good 'for a person with my conditions' i just want to be good!!!

[kienansidhe]

hi, im kienan! im the current host of the disaster hearts system. we are a korean american body with dissociative identity disorder and have had multiple diff hosts over the course of this blogs run. i or some variation of me have been host since around 2017-18ish. for transparencys sake, the body is 25+. do not ask abt age specifics please.

we are a survivor of csa trauma, parental abuse, religious and cult abuse, and generally very traumatized, and our experience of life is irrevocably colored by that lens.

we are disabled and unable to hold a job ever since we got long covid in april of 2020. we are fully dependent on our partners, working on our disability application, and still coming to terms with the reality of being probably permanently disabled.

unless otherwise specified it is probably some variation of kienan speaking.

-♡♡♡-

i, kienan, am queer and i prefer to be addressed by strangers with he/they/it or fae/faeself pronouns. i dont rlly care which of those you use, tho, no need to rotate or anything.

some other labels that generally describe me: nonbinary, transmasc, gnc, cuntboy, [redacted], [redacted], femme, femboy, genderweird, bi, aro/ace with a couple exceptions, sex favorable, kink obligate, freak, degenerate, pervert.

i currently have 4 partners, referred to here as prettyboyfriend, nesting boyfriend, girlfriend/daddy, and moirail.

no dni, i think theyre stupid and the only ppl i would not want to interact would not respect dnis anyways lmao. if i have a problem with you i will just say so or block you or whatever.

some of my beliefs and what to expect on this blog are under the cut.

i believe in rehabilitation and compassion, full stop. yes, even for those people. i think that othering and dehumanizing others sucks, that thoughts do not define you (yes, even those thoughts), and that the only thing that matters is your actions.

i think callouts are never helpful, ever. ive literally never seen one do anything helpful or good.

i try my best to interact with others in good faith, and i expect the same in return.

we were homeschooled in a cult and our education was heavily ~moderated~ to keep us brainwashed, and every time i think ive rooted out all the misinfo new stuff comes up. please be patient with me if i ask stupid questions, i literally am stupid. i have so much literal actual brain damage. i will do my best to be open minded, i rlly want to learn!

i believe that the best ways to combat csa are better sex education, breaking down the sanctity of the nuclear family, youth liberation (more legal rights and self advocacy for children), and not clogging child abuse report portals with fucking fictional art, jesus h christ.

medicalization of identities sucks. sysmeds, transmeds, im sorry youre miserable but thats not an excuse for trying to make everyone else miserable with you.

labels are only useful insofar as they help you connect with others like you and form solidarity in order to combat systemic oppression. if labels make you angry or miserable, consider not taking them so seriously.

its okay to just dislike ppl. its not always that deep. trying to come up with moral reasons to justify disliking ppl is rlly fucking catholic.

dont talk to me abt christianity. im aware that my trauma affects my ability to be compassionate in this area, so im staying in my lane. in fact probably dont talk to me abt religion in general.

im not a proshipper or an anti i touch grass <3, HOWEVER:

antishipping / purity politics / anti-kink / whatever you wanna call it, ppl equating fictional depictions of Obvious Bad Things with condoning, supporting, or normalizing them in real life are fucking stupid and have done unbelievable amounts of damage that has now reached far beyond fandom and kink circles. get a life, for fucks sake.

ppl who call themselves proshippers and then go around harassing antis are fucking stupid and have lost the original spirit of the term proship / anti-anti, which hinged around not harassing or harming others over fiction. get a life, for fucks sake.

just be kind. dont be a dick. treat others how you wanna be treated. we are all traumatized but thats not an excuse to be cruel. leave the world better than you found it.

youre gonna make mistakes. you just are. youre not perfect and also the world is complex. remember that you cant help everyone. try your best but dont lose yourself in the process.

art is everything. the act of creation is holy. more progress is made by creating -- building communities, making art, growing plants, building houses, building relationships -- than by tearing things down. there is probably a time and place for violence, destroying oppressive systems, bombing weapons factories, but if we arent creating a positive, healthy society alongside the destruction we are just leaving fertile ground for new oppressive structures to take root. create. create. create.

-♡♡♡-

many hosts has left a chaotic mess of tags on this blog but here are some we use pretty consistently:

#headspace: original posts. diary rambling, random thoughts, actual semi coherent opinions, anything

#my face: the body

#humans are good actually: reminders

#recovery things: mental health help

#important: there is so much stuff in this tag

#bookmark: too much here too lol

#feel better: just fluffy stuff

#vine: general funny video tag

#about, #me kin id, #i ghostwrote this post: stuff we relate to rlly hard + uquiz tags lol

#posts that are funnier when plural

[yomiurinikei]

rei mekaru (shocker i know)

we r ginger liker solidarity.... yuuki/yuki likers and rei likers need to come together and be allied...

~*~

My identity hc for them

oh shit tumblr is auto formatting in bullet points thats fun. uhhh w/rei i pretty much like any combination of ace/aro spec + lesbian. 100% lesbian rei? aro lesbian rei? aroace rei? all epic all amazing. i started hc'ing this back in like.. vv early sdra days. and i think its just part of who i am now... i think she doesnt really experience much attraction in general and has a bit of a hard time labeling how she feels because. of her general emotional trauma. so tbh i can see her kinda rotating through labels? i think she keeps it very to her self tho. she doesn't like people assuming she's cishet but she also doesn't want to come out as straightn't, so she just snaps at people who try and drag her into convos about identity.

similarly i think she struggles with really.. going "wow this is so me this is exactly what i am" when it comes to gender identity. i think she's very.. "well im Definitely not a guy, and i dont think im anything else, so..." ie, she's more prone to defining herself by what she isn't than what she is. which is perfectly okay!!! i don't think she'd consider herself trans, but she may occasionally like the label genderqueer. (yes i know that trans people r anyone who's gender deviates from what they were told they should be, but while it is an umbrella term, people can decide if they like it for themselves a lot! and i don't think rei would really like any label other than "idk man its weird", which she likes to use on/off) again tho i dont think she's very into sharing that with people, at least as a teen.

Thoughts on their home life/family

im so curious what her time was like when she was all alone??? i think that's something thats fairly unexplored, is her time between her parents not being able to care for her, and her becoming self-sufficient. ultimately i dont have much to say here, i like how linuj handled her backstory, i just think it wouldve been cool to see more of it, not that there was any good place to write it in, but i love bonus modes and would like to see maybe how the dra survivors coped w/what they learned in the sixth trial in a bonus mode about how the kisa foundation became what it is now.

How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

mmm... tbh. i like rei, i think her growth from dra to sdra2 was handled well- she still feels like rei, while also serving her narrative role- ie. there's not much you can do when shawty gets exploded in the prologue and then has to play second fiddle to tsurugis viola of fucking evil. sadly, we can't do much with the kisa foundation and showing how rei and tsurugi have changed and have the pacing of the chapter still be intact, when we see rei, its mostly just her being voice of reason because someone has to give exposition on what the foundation knows while tsurugi has a meltdown. i think her development feels authentic and natural, if she maybe feels a biiit.. i dont know how to word it, but she almost feels a bit too calm? less snarky at points than i'd think she'd be, and than what i'd like to see. but again, we can explain that as being due to the role she has to play for the story.

ultimately, while not necessarily my cup of tea, i'm just not prone to latching onto characters like rei a whole lot! i def think she's handled well, oddly well for linuj in general, and v oddly well for a female character written by linuj. i like her, im just not brain rotted about her

The one thing i��d want to make canon about them

hmmmmm... im not gonna lie i can't really think of anything? after thinking about it while i typed up. essentially the whole rest of this post, i think it'd be cool if she and kabuya were friends after sdra2. yuuki is... .... ..........lets not talk about what hes up to, syobai and iroha are just a whole fucking mess. theyre a bit busy dealing with heads in boxes. and tsurugi is just sooo normal he's too normal really.

so i think they could meet and chat about how Fucking Insane the games were, in a way that other kg survivors wouldnt get, since they didnt have to deal with divine luck and what it does to people. also seeing as akane saved rei in dra and then. ya know. Soruko. i think that'd be a interesting convo for them to have, both kinda understanding more about akane taira. i think that'd be really neat!

My number one favorite ship for them

hm.... reikako by default of i dont think much about rei ships, and they have a significant amount of canon material. i do wonder though what their relationship was like pre-despair, it feels like a lot of the school life info we have is on utsuro or tsurugi? buuut yeah. also as kinda established i think rei is uncertain where she stands on attraction/her thoughts change a lot and. yeah. so this is less a romantic thing and moreso i want inside linujs brain so i can know what he thinks except he like. officially has stated he doesnt know shit abt sdra anymore which is SO UPSETTING

…Now everyone else i ship with them

i think rei/kizuna/kiyoka could be cute!!! also i kinda just like giving akane gfs, and i don't really think they'd be that compatible, but i think if they had a weird little queercoded friendship for like. the duration of one year during their stay at hpa, and it leaves akane feeling more confident and comfortable with herself as her own person, and leaves rei with a LOT of questions, while they also never really cross the line between friends and something more, that'd be cool and fun. just normal gals being pals things.

The thing i will NEVER ship

im so sorry. 2020 sdrainsta has made me incapable of terurei propaganda. i support people who ship it as a matter of fact im so glad we r now in a place where people can ship it or not ship it and everyone can just be fine and happy. but i dont think ill ever be able to see the vision.

a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

i wish in sdra2 we saw more on the dynamic that grew between rei and mikako in dra. i think it'd be cool to see that discussed a bit more seeing how it was. mikakos in game memories that formed the basis for sora iirc.

thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

mmm...... why the fuck did linuj use so much blue in the dra cast color palettes... i remember i had this dentist appointment that was really evil and like. literal hours longer than it was supposed to be, and to try and distract myself i went through the cast and counted who had blue in their design and who didnt. it took a long time because i was in so so so much pain but like. iirc its just mikako akane and yuki. and also mikako wears blue in ch4. so. THATS NOT RELEVANT THOUGH.

uhhhh. im not a huge fan of her outfit just because i dont like the skirt. her og design was a school uniform and i think it kinda shows and im not a huge fan of it? my brain keeps getting mixed up on the length of her skirt but yeah. its just so vibrant and pigmented and so is her hair and its like. the lower half of her fit just feels so high school uniform and i dont really like it. i think her hair is super cute in the bonus sketch (the just-woke-up one) on her character sheet tho.

i also don't really like her fit in sdra2. i think the labcoat is super nice (i like the ombre effect it looks good) and while its not too practical i dont hate the vest short skirt tights combo. but im not a fan of the color palette, its just so dark, so u have her bright hair and the bright coat, but the dark grey and black, in vertical stripes just kinda dominates it in my brain. and i don't really like it? i really dont like the grey with her hair.

she is very pretty. but im not a fan of the fits linuj puts her into

A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

hmmm.. this is a very foreign concept to me but i dont think reis huge on music. i think for the most part she listens to songs she has memories associated with- she doesn't seem huge on the arts or. ya know. emotional connection? so i think while she wouldn't really vibe with anything particular of her own accord, listening to music which was playing when something emotional happened to her both improves the music, and also. helps her with being in touch with her emotions and letting herself feel. if that makes sense?

[goremet-chef]

ramble (not really a vent? im not that upset about it, just system talk)

giving up control is so... scary? and its hard. because i know theyre trying to help but then the part of me that doubts i even have a system at all comes in like 🗣🗣📢‼ switching with someone who isnt as horribly sad as you means yr faking and yr not grieving artemis like how she is worth!! scum

like. OKAY... i know its not true but shit bro it still feels that way. its kinda weird, i ended up being a mixed part (theres ANPs (apparently normal part) and EPs (emotional part). ANP is like.. what the host IDEALLY would be and i did used to be an ANP but when an ANP ends up holding onto trauma, then yr a mixed part)

so in a perfect world, someone else would bear this pain for me (bob helped with that last time, but i didnt wanna bother them again) and id be at least functional. but i bear my own pain, making it really hard for my system to function because the one whos fronting the most is incapacitated with issues, sorry gang

i know its my fault on some level because i cling on to that pain like a lifeline. my therapist told me a long time ago, that ive been sad for so long that ive grown comforted by the feeling, and. YEAH, thats still true. its like second nature, that whole "oh i dont know who id be if i wasnt sad" type shit

BUMMER, but whatever. im not so bothered by it. but i recognize that yeah, im holding us back. i know i am. if jonas was our host we honestly might have a job by now, or at least wouldve started looking. if elliott was our host, our room wouldnt get so horrible, etc

but cuz im so insistent on feeling everything i can feel, i hardly leave front, and if i do its not for long. im almost obsessed with the misery i feel, cuz its like. its what i know, yknow? my own character is defined by anger and red and blood and WHATEVER, it feels like who i am yknow?

and its SCARY. its scary even if i just LISTEN to them. go at it with a can-do attitude? okay.. even if i looked on the bright side, even if i was happy to create art and started working with some good music, etc, like.. it SOUNDS good but. i cant just forget all my problems. i know they want me to, but its. hard. its so hard man im not done DEALING with them. i dont want them to feel that pain instead. we're stuck in a weird loop where like.. their job is to take the burden of trauma away or soothe me, but my job is to prevent them from getting trauma YOU FEEL ME? its so. INCONVENIENT guys we are not winning 💀

[isa-ah]

i'm just super nervous about asking about it because i know very little about it. but like idk it seems like a possibility i should explore, but I don't even know if the info i do have is true and i'm scared of barging into a space i don't belong

tbh its really hard to self identify a system by design. you have to consider what it is and why you have it- a dire means your brain takes to break off pieces of yourself to contain childhood trauma within so that you can still function baseline. its by definition something thats really hard to confront or grasp bc its all about repression and divvying up things that would make it difficult to impossible for you to function. this is called a covert system, and some systems Stay that way. theyre functional, either without defined alters, or with alters that stealth and keep things smoothed over.

that said, there are flags you can look for. when youre triggered, how do you process it? do you feel depersonalized? not like yourself, or even not able to reflect on what happened even if you felt cognizant AS it happened? some people black out entirely when an alter fronts, leaving black hole memory gaps, but for me its more of a grey out; like im aware as things happen but in retrospect my memory of it is VERY fuzzy or nonexistent. i know where the time went, but i cant remember anything specific about it. i also feel a bit like im being puppeted around, esp bc none of my alters communicate the same way i do. (ie bentley is pretty harsh w a thick twang, shy is nonverbal, arthur is deep voice king autism, etc).

in my experience, my system didnt become more overt until several years out from living with any of my family, and with only relatively shitty things going on in my life. i felt safe in my environment and so my brain settled in and began unpacking things that i had previously been too busy in a survival mentality to be able to handle. bentley kinda shambled forward after a few days of feeling really out of it and our relationship went from there. lo says he thinks my role in the system is as a protector (which makes sense ig) so it was really difficult for me to talk about it for a good couple months bc i felt like i needed to keep it hush hush to myself & safe. its VERY hard to reach a point of confidently proclaiming you have a system by virtue of it WANTING to be covert. having a support system of friends really made the difference for me, i think.

as far as getting in touch with yourself, there are a few things you can try; art has been a big way for my alters to express themselves through something i enjoy doing, so finding something to bond over could be good. journaling often, leaving up little notes for yourself, or maybe pulling threads you feel compelled to follow (clothes you wouldnt normally wear, a strikingly specific character design, a comfort xyz that you dont necessarily vibe with, specific music that makes your brain buzz) have also all been pretty noteworthy i think.

idk at the end of the day i think if you feel like you have some kind of disturbance like that, you probably do. it might not necessarily be alters, or a system, but trauma can have a really wide range of effects on your brain and theres a spectrum of ways it can manifest. if this one is compelling you to dig into it, then you should i think! its not like youre taking resources out of other peoples mouths, it really doesnt work like that.

anyway ive been typing for so long i dont remember if i had a good conclusive wrap up so! if you have any questions just lmk :->

[ace-of-gay]

Im gonna respond to all of these

I prefer writing oneshots

I get a quick general idea written down like very simple stuff like "bucky and reader go on adventures" and big detail i want make sure are in it but thats it

Mines honestly not that interesting or special, i just take a little while to think and then i word splurge, its the exact same way i write poetry it just happens

All over the place, music, my favorite scenes in books/ movies, things i desire, and most certainly from my weird daydreaming episodes

I love constructive criticism as long as theres no hate included

I do not have it beta'd, i just read it six times and put it into word to make sure i catch as many mishaps as possible

I only write in one type of pov because thats how i brain splurge, other pov's take alot more time

I prefer the middle, it always has the most fill to it

Sometimes i comment but im still utterly shy and anxious when commenting

Number ten is absolute gibberish to me... (im on mobile so its confusing to me)

Of my own? Meh probably happiness greed because its my experience written in partial poetry ... of someone elses? Delicate edges!

I love receiving it but it doesn't bother me if i dont get any feedback, ijust want others to be happy

If you have a word pop up im your mind at any time of the day and you don'tknow what it means, look it up, ive expanded my vocabulary by simply asking my phone to define words

I definitely draw from personal experience and like to put my mind in that state for a moment and figure out how i would act

I dont write nsfw stuff although I do occasionally read it if the writing style is encapsulating to me

Like 20 ideas... mmmm tony x reader, stealing his sunglasses so he makes you your own

I just avoid writing when i struggle with it, why hurt my mind with something i enjoy ya-know?

I title mine afterwards, i honestly just take the general idea and put it into words i xant describe it any other way

I dont read or write on ao3 but if i did it would probably be " gut-wrenching fluff "

I love the idea of fluff and cuddles... i crave attention but hate having it in real life so i write storied that give me the attention i crave and share it with others who crave that attention (:

Absolutely i would, i think i already have with one of my friends kinda, i just dont remember what fic it was

I dont write smut

Splurge!! Thow ideas down and when one won't leave your mind think about it as much as you can

To stop writing, genuinely the only thing i can remember

Back when i wrote on fanfic.net i had one that was around 5000 words and it was so full of emotions, sadly its gone now and i didn't write the way i do now so its not saved to any of my devices but it never got much attention

I honestly don't know but in the idea of my personal experience im gonna say happiness greed

I hate the writing it down part, i love the splurge of ideas and seeing that people enjoyed my writing

Uuuh maybe like a sentence here or there on my off days but on good days around 1000 words or more

Read ove it six times, put it into word fix the grammer mistakes add my warnins and stuff and than its good to go

9.5 /10 times i wait unless i know its not deep enough to complete in full

Uhhh both, honestly it mixes together and i dunno i get the ideas at the same time

Skip... cause i forget everyones names and i love everyones writing so so much!!

I hope to publish my poetry someday so technically yes

Probably still writing poetry, hopefully writing a book

They still think how everyone else does their experiences in life are just skewed, trauma can do some crazy things

I have absolutely no idea

I also have no idea

Isnt that what the asks are? Like free commissions? I already do lol

Uuuh i cant find any currently lol

Probably a hug with any charcter from any of my extra fluffy fics

I reread fics all the time, i have links to my favorites saved in my phone

I dont remember currently

I like reading whump in moderation im not sure my feelings on writing it but im not against it

Just silly spelling errors

Sometimes yes to one Sometimes yes to the other

Fluff with trauma

Six times in my notes app and once in word

No one betas my work

On my agere fics people get upset sometimes but i deleate the occasional hate comment, cant bother me when im in a stable mindset on something but that doesn't mean i wont protect others minds in my comments

Like 3000+ words if its even still on here

I dont use a03

I respond to comments as often as possible so people know ive seen what they've said and that they know i appreciate them

70% reader 30%writer

Thinking to myself, in the show/ movie they would never do said thing, but this is my version so of course they would

I love writing for bucky and loki in a way that feels like theyre healing their trauma

Smilies and new words! I love expanding my vocabulary

Editing small things as i write and anything i missed i fix after

Does posting count? Cause one its done im happy

So technically yes and no, so my family knows i write stories but not fanfictions, my best friend knows lol

Yes!!! And they said they love my writing style and agjfkrek it made me giddy with excitement

I like putting my ideas places

Completed series yessss, incomplete with cluff hangers i fear im gonna forget to come back

Orbs... globes, ... just say eyes

I dunno honestly

I look forward to finishing up on the asks that are sitting in my ask box!

I kinda just dont, with my migraines my schedules are basically unpredictable

I like both but im more consistent with independent works

Read, listen to music, watch movies, daydream

Luckily none of them honestly

Enthusiastic because i have more than just fanfics if they want to see

In my head, things in my head are in filing cabinets, jts strange

It all depends honestly

I have no idea, my writing is generic to me

The poetic parts, my poetry is written i. A very specific way

N/A

Yes, person with oral fixation (desire to chew on things and put non edible items in ones mouth) loki scolds their new puppy for chewing things and person starts to try to not chew on things, i was gonna write it but forgot to finish it now it just sits in my drafts

Any of the self indulgent ones

Get to know your fic writer!

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Do you like constructive criticism?

Do you have your work beta'd? How important is this to your process?

How do you choose which POV to write from?

Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

Do you comment on stories you read?

Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

Link your three favorite fics right now

how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story?

Are there certain types of writing you won’t do? (style, pov, genre, tropes, etc)

Best writing advice for other writers?

Worst writing advice anyone ever gave you?

What fic do you wish you got more of a response on?

Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

On average, how much writing do you get done in a day?

What’s your revision or editing process like?

Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished?

Do you start with the characters or the plot when writing?

Name three of your favorite fanfic writers.

Do you want to be published some day?

Five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer?

What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

How do you write kissing scenes?

How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Would you ever write commissions?

Share a snippet from a WIP

If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

What mistakes do you keep making no matter how many times your beta corrects you?

Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

What do you look for in a beta?

Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

How long is your longest fic?

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it’s finished? 

What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

Have you had a writer you admire comment on your fic? What was that like?

Why do you continue writing fics?

Thoughts on cliffhangers?

Something you hate to see in smut.

Something you love to see in smut.

Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

How do you deal with writing pressure (ie. pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc.)?

Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

What work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

What scene in [Fanfic Name] took the longest to write? What was difficult about it? 

Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Fanfic Name]? 

Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [Fanfic Name] story/chapter? 

[guiltedlily]

1.18.23

7.37pm

the word “villian” has been dancing around my thoughts for weeks now. ive watched so many people in my life become the villain yet ive always tried to stay “good”. i have this urge to let myself go, not be self-destructive, the exact opposite of that. i want to be able to feel myself as my own person and not the dumbed down idea of somebody everybody sees as a kid because i deserve that. it feels like im the villain for that when in reality im standing up for myself. 

i joke about a “villain arc” as if i havent watched others crumble around me and become the real villain. even if it wasnt technically real, i still remember their actions piece by piece. i remember being called the bad guy for being childish and destructive because i had nothing else. not that it was necessarily right, but of all people, me? i watched communitites, nations, rise and fall by a handful of people, i realized that the people i trusted werent moral, i had my world shattered in front of me so many times over. im not asking to be coddled for that, but it makes me wonder why i stuck out as a villain to some

its so freeing to let myself exist without feeling like i have to water myself down but its scary sometimes. for my entire life, ive been known as the dumb kid who feels things too much and too hard. for my entire life ive been treated as a child when i was cheated out of the chance to actually be one. i convinced myself it was “healing” but i was being pushed back further. in all honesty, i feel emotionally stunted in a way. all those years of being treated and seen as a child make me feel as though i need to behave like one, like i dont understand anything and need somebody to cling onto. ive spent years clinging onto others and i have lost them every single time. 

im allowed to be my own person and i do not need somebody to define that for me

thats the single biggest thing ive had to face with.. all of this. lose everybody, gain myself. i cant live in the shadows of everybody else forever and i needed to realize that. i allowed myself to be pushed into boxes and constrained because god forbid im anybody but who others want me to be. i dont think its much of a coincidence that i only started seriously considering my gender once i wasnt under the influence of other people in my life and appeasing them. my gender is just a small portion of my identity that id repressed; there are still parts of the stupid kid that remain inside me, but im trying to take charge and allow myself to be better than that and really grow

i still think a lot about the times id broken down in front of people. i dont know if “regret” is the right word, but it terrifies me. id spent how long having my emotions used against me, and the moment i get comfortable expressing them more freely, im back at square one. a part of me would like to believe that they wont do that; itd be awful to use somebodys trauma and breakdowns against them, right? im forced to look back at my brother and remember the person he is. im forced to realize that maybe he wont always have a soft spot for me, that maybe me speaking out made him turn on me. it shatters my heart to consider but its unfortunately something i need to be aware of

i can tell myself time and time again “he had some sort of reasoning to prod at people the way he did”, but did he? all because he percieved these people as “bad” and considered himself any better. time and time again, i have to realize that im not a stranger to familial wrath. i would believe he could justify anything he does, and thats horrifying in a sense. does it give you a sense of gratification to jab your finger into peoples trauma, or do you only care when it becomes a threat to those you supposedly care about? 

when i think about people, my mind is cluttered with questions to them. im perpetually curious and its never quite quenched. i could fill a notebook of questions that i will never ask and i know i will never receive that closure. i could know every single thing about their thought processes but it wouldnt heal

8.20pm

[michaelmilkers]

Out of curiousity why precisely is it such a bad idea

ok like. i am a very avid fan of horror movies and particularly slashers. my blog icon, in case you were unaware, is literally art of michael myers from halloween a follower made for me years ago.

the slasher genre is defined by (among others) the fact that it is not serious or deep. as far as horror movies go, it usually edges more towards camp. there is gratuitous and gruesome death involving the main cast and related secondary characters because its scary and its a spectacle. the story isnt super deep, and the emotional connection you have with any main characters is usually shallow, because the point of it is to be entertaining and scary and cool to look at. i dont have to explain that conversion therapy is an awful traumatic experience that people still go through, there are lgbt kids at conversion camps right now. to take a genre like slasher films and apply it to this topic is at best tone deaf and at worst cruel.

also, it is very obviously supposed to be derivative of friday the 13th because it was set at a summer camp, camp crystal lake, which spawned a whole subgenre of slashers in this setting like sleepaway camp, the burning, cheerleader camp, etc. theres a way these kinds of movies go. the majority of the cast are going to be lgbt teens who were sent to a psychological torture camp by horrifically bigoted family and we are going to watch them get murdered in creatively gruesome ways. someone at some point wanted to do a spin on friday the 13th and decided it would not only be appropriate but somehow ironic or something to change the setting from a regular summer camp to a conversion camp. thats just so fucking idiot and braindead.

like dont get me wrong, horror can ABSOLUTELY be a GREAT genre to create analogies for or explicit stories about stuff like this. get out was about the white moderate's objectification of black bodies, rosemary's baby was about abortion, candyman was about the fetishization of black peoples trauma, american psycho was about materialism and the soulless facade of the corporate world, the thing was about the red scare; all of these very good movies very effectively communicating what they want to say about their subject matter. i keep seeing people bring up "the inherent horror of conversion camp" but when you think about horror films that are serious and about serious topics, do you think of slasher films? do you think of black christmas, or a nightmare on elm street, or scream? when you think of a suitable horror movie to portray conversion therapy with the care and respect it deserves, do you think of a parody of friday the 13th with a pun for a title?

also the title in this context pisses me off. if it were a slasher movie with almost any other setting i would be in the same boat as everyone else of thinking the title is genius and hilarious. but given what we know of the plot, either the title is referencing they/thems getting slashed, in which case, cool title about trans people getting brutally murdered, or the slasher is nonbinary, and in that case they made the villain trans in a horror movie about conversion camp.

like unless they pull a total fast one i can't see how this won't be a total disaster, even if it has a message or lesson at the end of "conversion therapy bad", why the fuck even make the movie like this in the first place

[crumble-system]

☣️ Nyx -im adding the previous tags but now we're home we can like do another reply that has more like brains

This was really sweet whoever sent this, especially for like things that have been going on that like nobody else knows but like this system.

note we're gonna ramble a shit ton so under the cut <3

🧯Conner - We always love asks like these, especially when we don't expect them. But this did cheer us up a good bit.

Especially because we've been bed rotting just a bit because the consequences of not having meds nor therapy rn while having gone through THE horrors of this and last year of having alot of our Hugest trauma of our adolescence just becoming raw again. [this is also why mockingjay, philly & blaze 2 EXIST]

which has led us to just remember alot of the struggles that led us here.

also the many fucking jumpscares (though like all of them went positively and the people who did accidentally jumpscare us have been the best of sports & have VASTLY outweighed the negative of the original terror from being spooked)

🎱Ribs - YEAH I've definely like been told actively by alot of people of how much we like bring light & warmth to our friends and acquaintances. which has helped alot at Not being as like unstable as we would've been elsewise with all the curveballs and twists.

ALSO getting back in contact with people we were worried abt contacting & missed, helped a fuck ton because they'll all been fuckin supportive as hell.

plus telling the one (aka the dude who came into our notes like "idk if u hate me but i miss you and worried abt you" while I WAS literally venting abt missing them & being worried abt them was funny ngl) that like, WOOPS I'm here bcs of you & them being supportive as they can but still learning as a singlet helped <33.

UHHH also like getting SUPER GENUINE love from the people who we were missing and got into contact into with helped A TON. also telling them all parts of the Why Man saga helped & getting like support for what the fuck that lil shit put us thru.

adding that said person whose why I fromed also like helped during what blaze is GONNA probs talk abt

🔥Blaze - ILY BABE (ribs)

OKAY so the person who caused ribs to form, unknowningly has kind of helped me a ton to be able to help the person who got ME to form.

Which like it felt so fucking GOOD being able to do what I did recently to help said person whose why I'm here. I FUCKING improved. I GREW and I CHANGED for THE BETTER.

it's like been so funny seeing like within like a year go from one of the most DISTRUSTED to be in front due to being much more of a Perseuctor/Perpetrator combo AND JUST. Very much ACTING out because nobody in this fuckin system was listening BCS our communication was SHIT.

TO being like one of the most trusted & seen as one of the better protectors & alters to deal with stressful convos and shit to de-escalate things when the going gets ROUGH.

THE PERSON who caused me to form I don't think they REALIZE fully yet that when I said "Yeah, I was actually there for that." I LITERALLY MEANT. I FORMED THERE. AND WE WERE THERE. AND THATS WHY. THAT MEME WAS SO TERRIFYING.

BUT YKNOW HOW IT GOES, I WAS KING. DID GET JUMPSCARED BY THE DUDE CONNER ALMOST WENT TO WHEN RIBS FORMED & WHEN I FORMED NOT TOO LONG AFTER NOT TOO LONG AFTER.

also got jumpscared by THE DUDE who let us into the server where I formed, like a week later... IT WAS just to say "there's a scammer in general" but now i get cursed to see that he's fucking playing roblox now. BCS discord thinks its funny.

so like I have been RIDING the high of helping the person who caused me to form and MAKING SAID PERSON LAUGH. BCS said PERSON deserves to HAVE A GOOD DAY.

☢️ Prodigy/(Doxie) - I AM only in front for a moment to reply to this as for understandable reasons the others dont want me in front rn, and i dont wanna be either

THO I love my friends who knew me when I was still bumbling around as a newbie & the ppl ive met after coming back in EARLY 2024.

we need therapy & meds, and i need to work on myself way more b4 I can be in front for extended periods of time and not at all rn.

🦀Pablo - IM also only in front to write my piece & then peace out because ya im working on my issues too.

the message was kind and love it! ty, me & prod are going back to work on ourselves.

(we are also still working on an apology, just NOT a good time for us to attempt that)

🍋 Gayle - Yeah we've kept moving forward despite everything that's happened in the past, or how much THIS year keeps testing our strength.

like oh my god, ribs, conner and blaze u mfers are so fucking strong. i COULD not do the shit those three have been doing.

i just kind of applaud those three for being brave because they want to protect their found family of friends. AND also being strong enough to talk thru issues and shit with others.

also thank them for helping me with all the FONT bullshit <3

🎃Skull - also thanking them for help w the FONT bullshit, and also ty blaze for not teasing me abt my source once u realized that I had a legit issue with it. and also making that whole party for everyone who looks like one of our abusers, that cheered me up a ton.

🍬Candy - yeah yeah thank you blaze for helping skull be more confident, and also for sitting with me when my other thing I am the holder of gets bad when skull isn't able to. & also like helping for when you blaze, ribs or conner notice when I'm starting that ..down that road..

also ty for the multiple white & blue/blue&white hater party in headspace ribs and blaze. that shit has been fun to work through all that shit.

🌟Philly - YEAH they (as in more the others, the G6 [2015-2019] gang specifically aka Conner, Ribs, Gayle, Prod, Blaze and Nyx) really were really touched by this.

I know they've been going thru a helluva time, it's kind of why I exist. beacuse of the whole, the person who caused ribs to form & the person who caused blaze to form literally jumpscared those guys by posting ACCIDENTAL jumpscares that were close enough TO said EVENTS that they both got worried.

which led to blaze 2 and me splitting off and yknow being here to curse y'all.

UHHH IDK what I have to say abt this because like.. I am sort of apathetic, and just NOT emotional. think like coping shit + like latching onto my source being specifically Philly in (CRAB MAN SERVER). which kind of got their emotions removed.

🧲Blaze 2 - <333 iDK WHAT 2 SAY MYSELF.

the others DID really well. BUT we have been celebrating our acomplishments, THO more like privately. because god i cannot tell any of yall how fucking much the others and generally the system want to be LOUD and PROUD for how far they've come

Along with HOW much they just wanna say HOW MUCH they love the ppl they consider friends OUTLOUD AND PUBLIC, THEYRE just very much dealing with RSD and BPD BEING BITCHES.

SO they've been subdueing themselves even more, even if they wanna do it. ALSO bcs they wanna respect ppls boundaries, it's why they're NOT saying CERTAIN NAMES. OF PPL THEY LOVE.

ribs though blaze classic is done making fun of your whole CLOWN ACT abt seeming like you hated ppl but in reality you genuinely missed them though weren't letting yourself say that bcs you did not want to seem weak and were dealing with paranoid of others trying to hurt them just to get to us.

im not, im saying it outloud MF. you don't get to just tell sweetfinlet abt it. GET EXPOSED FOR ALSO BEING A LOVER.

🐦Mockingjay - THEY'VE BEEN CELEBRATING A TON OF THEIR VICTORIES.

👑Waldemar- HELL YEAH handshake, im joining you im exposing blaze proper.

clarity abt the vents is that alot of reprocessing of old events had to happen because the censored person triggered alot of alters heavily enough that they regressed & Lost access to the Full truth of the past

Very much they had to process things in a way very similar the Psychonauts 2 Level, "Psi King's Sensorium"

With the whole Confirmation Bias, Law of association, Confabulations, and just the memories were twisted.

This person also Accidentally began to use alot of tactics that older abusers & toxic ex-friends would use on us in the past, as they were Way more dependent on us than we were on them and in a misguided effort for connection they attempted to make us more dependent on them.

(or at least we hope it was accidental, that's what we want to believe. despite it all.)

Also the censored name is not crab man bluzombie nor why man willie. It's censored as despite it all we don't want ppl to find nor attack that ex-friend, they're Not worth the effort.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF WIP POETRY THEY'VE BEEN DOING SINCE 2023 and HAVE working ON pUTING IN A VIDEO. TO SHOW THEY LOVE THEIR FRIENDS

ITS SAPPY AS SHIT. IDC IF THEY CALL ME HOMOPHONIC.

🎆Flare - (I WAS BLAZE 2 BEFORE THE OTHER ONE, BUT NO BLAZE LETS HIM BE BLAZE 2 BUT I HAVE TO BE FLARE IM STILL PISSED)

I'm stealing this from MJ but...

I LOVE THEM, BUT THEY'RE A MESS. THIS SYSTEM IS KIND OF MY FOUND FAMILY OF IDIOTS.

THEY'rE CRYING OVER ONE OF THE POETRY THEY ALL WROTE FOR THAT. THIS IS A NEWER ONE.

"As I always wanted as a kid, to hang with people ; friends to just

Talk together for hours, or just exist silent as we both do our own things

Go on adventures with

Dispell eachothers worries with

Be not just seen, but also accepted whole heartedly

...

And I've found those people

Even for some it took some time to realize they were still there"

🌤️Mr A - Everything eventually will be okay, and that's what keeps us going. Also spite. Alot of spite.

Love keeps us going more though, we are filled with love always.

🧃Sour - I AM still GETTING uzed 2 being here again, ESP with the huge party we GOT now. BUt yea this is sweeettt. felt like i should say somethin

🍐Wasabi - YEAH this is NICE. I like the ENERGY we've been getting, this is why I keep refusing to leave front BUT im too shy to talk to the nice ppl we've been around. </3. im still halted by these haunting memories but im getting stronger, I will be as annoying if not MORE annoying than the others. u hear me

🍾Sparkling - I don't front as much these days as I'm helping with headspace matters but <3 this was nice.

🌝Allie - I just wanted to :3333, i have nothing to actually add. I'm just a special uwu. i need attention.

🕹️First- idk im dancing. ik we need to do owed art but that's a tomorrow thing, we're still having a moment. they'll understand.

🌼Just a gentle reminder that you bring a special kind of light and warmth to the world that often goes unnoticed by you, but it is so incredibly meaningful. Despite everything you've faced, you keep moving forward, and that’s something to be really proud of. Celebrate accomplishments, big and small. Your existence matters. You matter. The world is absolutely a better place with you in it, there is no argument there. Keep believing in yourself and growing, because you make a difference just by being you. Everything will eventually be okay and you are worthy of proving that true. 🌼🌼Just a gentle reminder that you bring a special kind of light and warmth to the world that often goes unnoticed by you, but it is so incredibly meaningful. Despite everything you've faced, you keep moving forward, and that’s something to be really proud of. Celebrate accomplishments, big and small. Your existence matters. You matter. The world is absolutely a better place with you in it, there is no argument there. Keep believing in yourself and growing, because you make a difference just by being you. Everything will eventually be okay and you are worthy of proving that true. 🌼

OUR REACTIONS TO THIS,

Never know how 2 react when ppl actually say love affirmations to us wholeheartedly but ty ty

ESP LIKE when we're in these depressive isolation episodes that we get in

Though we're getting better at dealing with em

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. The trial happening right now bothers me because we get to see how Thanatos and Echo reacted to this, but Demeter and Persphone don’t know and I know why they don’t know yet. However you think that would tie some more stuff up together

It was Minthe, Thanatos and Thetis who whistle blew on Persphone. Meaning Thanatos would probably be called to trial and would have to face persphone and I would hope say something to her BUT I kinda doubt that’s gonna happen.

But the other thing to this Minthe is a plant who can’t testify. Are hades and Persphone hide the fact she’s a plant and pretend she’s missing or are they gonna say “yeah I still don’t have control over my powers but I’m queen now” HOWEVER I truly believe RS is just gonna not address these two plot points until way later.

FINALLY Eros and Psyche KNOW the last person Daphne was seen with was Apollo, did they chase after her after he got shot by the arrow? We don’t know. We don’t even know what they’re doing about Psyche. Did Eros and Psyche even see the Daphne tree? Are they going to try and sneak in to tell Persphone?

I know the plots gonna focus more on HxP secret marriage at the court trial rather than the actual consequences and the fact people are turning into greenery left and right. (It’s not Persohones Faullt Daphne is the way she is but RS needs to focus on other plot points I feel)

2. like, age gaps, height differences, and power imbalances dont always have to be bad, the issue to me is that the way rachel does it is hyper-focusing on how young, small, and child-like/unexperienced persephone is compared to the old, giant, and all powerful/mature hades is like ... yeah obvs people are going to find it creepy? how would they not?

3. i honestly cant stand the "theyre immortal gods the age gap doesnt matter!!" agreement because like??? ok??? then she could easily be 300 years old then? she shouldnt be so borderline underage then?? like the immortality aspect actually makes the age gap worse, not better??

4. i realize getting nitpicky over unimportant characters in lo having american names is a bit dumb, but it does speak to just how lazy rachel is and how little care she has for greece and its mythology. there are countless english names that are also greek, yet even that's asking too much of her. percy jackson isnt a perfect series, but even the characters (who are in america) have greek influence and meanings put into their names and characterization, something rachel doesn't even attempt to do.

5. ok but thats a good point, because rachel seems to be taking physical wounds to matter more over the mental ones, when thats not how trauma works. her writing on zeus is reflective of her writing minthe, where she confirmed she has a severe untreated mental illness and that's linked to her evilness, and thus what she should be punished for. meanwhile persephone own mental issues can be bastardized as a "yass queen" thing?? somehow?? its just bad writing all around.

6. i kinda wish lo fans would listen to their own logic and give the same leeway to the other characters. theyll scream from the rooftops that hades and persephone and hera can be awful people all they want because thats ~realistic~, meanwhile minthe and zeus and everyone else are held to such extremes they can never meet and are hated and despised for nothing in compared to hxp or hera. either hold your faves accountable or let off on hating characters who do the same as them.

7. i see a lot of lo fans excuse how everything drags as "thats how a slow burn works" and its like ... no? because most of that slow burn isnt even hxp, its rachel forcing in more plots we dont need, and when its hxp, you look at the timeline and how they act and its actually neck-breakingly fast? like if as much time had past in LO as irl time then yeah, four years is a slow burn, but its only been maybe a month in comic? so its not slow for them at all, but it's a drag for the readers.

8. See, the difference between Lo!Hades and Punderworld!Hades is that PW!Hades has so much personality, he and Persephone are literally bustling with life (even though one of them rules over a realm of dead XD) AND their interactions are so cute with their awkward attempts at flirting and failure at doing so. Persephone is still somewhat sweet and “pure” but she’s also a bit of a spitfire, she’s not easy to surrender, she has wants and dreams and that little differences makes her character likable!

We NEVER get to see anything like that with LO!Hades and Persephone, we don’t see them have these sweet interactions, these heart-fluttering moments, because there’s no base or foundation for those sorts of moments! It’s always these very out-of-character unrealistic scenes expected from a married couple, but they just met! It doesn’t feel natural, it feels forced and rushed and so slow at the same time.

Although Punderworld makes Demeter overbearing, i love her characterization i really do, waAAAY more than LO!Demeter, because we actually understand her reasons for her overprotective behavior and we get to see her in a more sympathetic light/manner in the newer chapters, we see her as more than “mean mom hates bf”

9. Daphne and Thanatos were adorable. Like, Daphne was a sweet, caring girl with genuine interest (and power/agency) and Thanatos was a shy, awkward guy who was just doing his best (and not pressuring her). They weren't perfect, but it was something! Why couldn't LO be about them?

10. What I find funny is that Minthe and Thetis have a more defined friendship than Persphone and other female characters.

Minthe and Thetis ARE TOXIC don’t get me wrong but both characters are aware of each other’s motives. Minthe knows not to trust Thetis fully and is straight with her on her opinion of Thetis. But the readers clearly know their relationship as well as the characters.

Persphone is in gray areas with most her female friends. The beginning of the story we are lead to believe Artemis and P are besties with the dress sharing and the way in P’s mind they’re holding hands with Hermès. But clearly now their relationship is a question mark and they’re both more detached than we thought. Artemis was just being nice to P letting her stay with her because they’re both in the TOGeM but they’re probably more like acquaintes at best.

Daphne and P we know they’re friends but P isn’t straight with her. Like Daphne is P’s only named friend, but did P think of her as the other overbearing nymphs? We don’t know because they’re all pink and some of them are dead. Despite being told they grew up together we don’t even know much about their relationship what do they like about each other? Does Daphne agree with Demeters parenting or P’s need to leave? When did Daphne get to move to Olympus? I feel like the plot just says “these two characters are friends “ but doesn’t elaborate much. Why did P let Daphne in her room at Hades mansion and not the other nymphs? P told Daphne that Apollo is dangerous, but it was a little too late. Also why didn’t P have her phone number when she got to Olympus? Wouldn’t she know to contact her on insta or something? P was like “omg I know no one except Hermès “ but that’s not true! Daphne! I could go more but I think we get the picture that Daphne’s plot point is having the readers be told Persphone has friends but she doesn’t but she does.

Were shown that P and Meg are getting along because P was nice to Meg, despite Meg being silently jealous of P, but what about Meg now? Is she ever gonna tell P that she’s jealous of P that she had a mad crush on Hades, even her journal? Or is that all gone now? Does Meg even matter any more or is she now here just to support HXP?

[limelocked]

I hate the mindset of "I see my abuser in c!dream and I don't want him to improve because of that" bc that's.. just such an unhealthy mindset either way? Like you obviously don't have to forgive someone who's done such awful things but like if they're trying to move past it.. maybe you shouldn't be tearing them back down?? like just a thing??? Like I used to be so much worse and I've done bad shit and I love c!dream and I see myself in him as my abused self and someone who's done bad shit due to it and it feels like. so wrong to say that doing bad shit makes someone incapable of improving like??? that's so shitty idk. It's an unhealthy mindset I think

anyway. I love c!dream and I want him to heal bc it tells me I can heal and be better too

this is gonna be a bad comparison since my trauma stems from long term abuse and c!tommys does not, but every short term instance of abuse ive faced ive also not thought too much about but like i was mentally manipulated and abused by a parental figure, ive said this before, for upwards of 16 years and while ive ceased all contact and will never forgive him i also dont like want his life to go to hell? theres only one abuser ive had where ive had that reaction but thats because of other reasons

shock horror abusers and convicts are still people and while youre valid for still being mad at the person who hurt you like if they are actually genuinely trying to change for their own or others good then what fucking help does it do to rip them back down to the first step? like every time we have this argument i think about the reformed neo nazis who have moved away from being hateful and how some have started progressive organizations or help groups to get more kids out of extremism, using this logic we should never let those people get better, we should let them stay extremists

like how fucked is that? what use is that gonna be?

i want c!dream to heal and be better because that tells me i can do better, that im not defined by my past but by my present and future

[bigskydreaming]

So, how far do you think Jasons booktastes goes? Is he like a hard-core classic fan or does it variate between his moods?

Absolutely the latter, IMO. I know there’s a tendency to lean hard into the idea that Jason’s just all about the classics, but I think overall we have a rather finite and white European and American skewed 'definition’ of what constitutes a classic in the first place, and you know me and my classist rantings.....unless you don’t but whatever, now you do, I’m personally leery of over-emphasizing Jason’s sophisticated reading palette or whatever as like, some kind of pushback against his otherwise lower-class origin because I don’t think its necessary. I mean who knows if that’s how its intended in any given specific situation, but I definitely feel like there’s a general undercurrent of that threaded through a lot of Jason’s depictions overall that I’m like ‘no thanks’ to.

I think Jason’s all over the place as a reader. His only defining characteristic as a reader IMO is that he’s a voracious one, and he reads anything and everything he can get his hands on, and finds something appealing and in new and different ways in every genre. I think as his skills develop as Robin and a detective, he hungrily reads mystery novels to see how quickly he can figure out who did it. I think he reads true crime to try and solve it ahead of the book’s conclusions the same way we’ve seen Dick solve cases watching America’s Most Wanted. 

I think before traveling was an option for Jason, living with Bruce, he enjoyed travel guides/pieces and nonfiction, to get a sense of places far away from Gotham. I think once he was living with Bruce and encountering colleagues of his dad’s who were literally from other planets and had advanced technology and magic, he had a growing personal collection of fantasy and sci-fi books just so when he did get a chance to join Bruce when he was around other heroes he could be like “okay I read in this one book where they did this spell are there any real spells like that huh huh?” or “so in this one series they had a spaceship that could do this do you know of any spaceships that are like that like could that be real?” I think he loves mythology because a) he’s gay duh and b) Diana is an actual Amazon, like why wouldn’t you love mythology when you could fact-check Edith Hamilton against an actual Amazon it just makes sense.

I think he’s got shelves full of old-school dimestore pulp fiction novels, the long-running series kinds, because he doesn’t think cheap equals bad and also they’re just fun. And also also, he loves the serialized nature of a lot of works because one of the biggest evidences of stability in his young life, before ADITF, like, one of the things that finally got him thinking like wow this is like how I live now huh, was the realization that when before, the unpredictable nature of his life meant he kinda just had to read things in one go and not count on ever being able to follow up on them, like......when living with Bruce, he suddenly just realized one day that like, all those series that have so many more books in them than I could ever read in one go, the kind of things you’re meant to RETURN to, to follow along over periods of months and years.....I can do that now, here. 

And even after his return as the Red Hood, once he slowly started settling into his new life and put his focus not just towards reacting to his trauma but trying to build beyond that again and have actual hobbies, interests, etc.....one of the biggest evidences to him that he could do that, be more than JUST the Red Hood, was literally no different from when he first had that epiphany living with Bruce. When he looked into all those series that he perhaps never got to finish, or that were still ongoing when he was killed, and found an unexpected continuity in the reminder and awareness that they were still out there, waiting for him to finish them, that they were still being published, available for him to catch up......that his life had ended, but then he came back so maybe it was more just interrupted. That so many things are different now from how they were before, but some things are still the same, that he’s so different now but in some ways he IS still the same.

Like yeah, sure, I do think he’s got plenty of Jane Austen on his shelves, but he’s also got Octavia Butler and Ursula K. LeGuin and Mary Shelley not once but twice....nah let’s go wild and make it five times....cuz I think he’s got very specific SYSTEMS for how his books are arranged, one of those particular things that arose from the awareness that he actually COULD be particular about his books, that it was entirely up to him......and once he found out that Frankenstein’s Monster existed he was like okay but is the book based on that or was that based on the book, did art imitate life or did life imitate art I HAVE TO KNOW IF IT GOES IN FICTION OR NON-FICTION! And so Alfred and Bruce and Dick and Barbara all had the same idea of like, why not both, both is good, and gave him an extra copy and so he ended up with like five copies of Frankenstein.

Also, literally every time he ends up with a case or aware of a case where vampires or werewolves or aliens or gods are involved, you can find a whole new section of fiction and nonfiction on the related subject in his room, and he’s scribbled all throughout the margins like LOL WELL THIS ISNT RIGHT and NOPE GOT THIS WRONG and IF THIS AUTHOR WAS ALIVE TODAY I WOULD TELL THEM RIGHT TO THEIR STUPID FACE ABOUT HOW NOT ACCURATE THEIR SAFETY PROTOCOLS FOR DEALING WITH VAMPIRES ARE LIKE THATS THE LAST TIME I BRING GARLIC TO A VAMPIRE FIGHT AND THINK IM DOING ANYTHING BUT SMELLING LIKE A TASTY PASTA FLAVORED TREAT, LIKE THANKS FOR NOTHING YOU ABSOLUTE HACK.

(Also I think Jason thinks Poe’s a pretentious boor, mostly because I find it funny to script scenes in my head where Jason just goes OFF about various authors and his Opinions on them, but he still likes his stuff for the mood and is like DONT @ ME, IM COMPLICATED, but this is entirely because of an old personal headcanon of mine where like, the frequent references to the gothic nature of Gotham tied to Jason’s very Gothammite nature resulted in my brain doing a What If where Jason either post-Robin-where-he-didn’t-die or even post-Red Hood picks a raven themed ensemble and calls himself something like Nevermore, and is like, Caw Caw, Im Gotham, Bitch).

In summation, I think Jason is eclectic as hell, and like, if its a book, and he’s got the time, he’s gotta read it because duh, that’s just the law of the jungle, he’s like lololol what there’s a book and I’m just what, just not going to read it? That’s what you think? LMAO that makes no sense you sound so dumb right now.

[babyboy-ollie]

So... I'm not kinda new to the community of dxlg/ddlg/agere/agedre

So... like... I got into the "ddlg" community bc my therapist thought it would be a good idea to help me deal with my trauma. What he actually was introducing me to was agere/agedre. It wasn't a k!nk thing, just for trauma and sometimes I cant control it. (My brain. Kinda forces me into little space and I get super overwhelmed with adult stuff while I'm in little space)

Anyways I was introduced to "ddlg" (actually agedre/agere) when I was around 15ish so its been roughly 6 years

I do have a daddy but hes not really a "daddy dom" cause I dont like to be sexual in my little space (trauma related) but hes technically my dom when im big me

What does it mean?

Everything "ddlg" is NSFW and i get that and I try and respect blogs DNIs (alot of their acronyms I dont understand so its best to just not follow them)

My main blog is NSFW (mostly big me stuff) but I have a second blog thats SFW

Is there a way to follow SFW agere/agedre accounts with my SFW and not my NSFW?

I dont want to trigger or put minors in an unsafe environment

And some people tell me that you can't be AGERE/AGEDRE if you're in ddlg whatsoever so like my daddy just bc hes my daddy (whether dom or not) and I just don't understand I guess 😭😭😭😭🥺

I'm just here for an opinion or answers not to trigger or harm

I'm sorry if thats not okay 😞😖🥺

TW K!nk and s*x mentions

First off I want to say you don’t have to apologise for asking! We all have to learn somewhere and there’s no shame in not knowing!

For the sake of clarity I’m gonna define a few terms before continuing just to make sure we are all on the same page:

ddlg: An NSFW kink community for adults. Stands for Daddy Dom Little Girl and involves a BDSM power dynamic between a Dom and a Sub.

dxlg: A SFW non-sexual term. Stands for Daddy Little Girl and describes a relationship between a caregiver and a regressor. 

Agere: A SFW non-sexual community and coping mechanism. Stands for Age Regression, which is when a person reverts to an age younger than they actually are.

Agedre: A SFW non-sexual community. Stands for Age Dreaming which is an umbrella term for people with non-sexual child-like headspace or behaviour that doesn’t totally fit under regression.

Age(d)re: Another way to say “agere and/or agedre”.

With that out of the way, I wanna say that it is totally fine to be both ddlg and age(d)re permitted that you and your partner are adults and the two communities are separate! What it means is just what you have said, he is your dom when you are big and consenting and he is your caregiver when you are small. Your sex life and your regression are separate from one another and as such, his roles are separate from one another as well. 

As for the blogs, it’s good that you keep the NSFW and SFW separate! Just as the blogs are separate it is best to also keep who you follow separate. In other words, follow NSFW/non-agere or agedre blogs on your NSFW blog and use the SFW blog to follow agere or agedre blogs. It sounds like you are doing a great job at being careful to not trigger or harm anyone, but be sure you’re not accidentally cross tagging posts as it can be confusing to know which tags are safe and which aren’t! Here’s a link to a guide on cross tagging and how to avoid it

As for the DNIs, it is very common for a blog to say “DNI k!nk NSFW” or something similar. In general, this usually means that NSFW or kink blogs can not follow or interact with them. However, some people do not want a person following them if they are in kink at all, even if their blog is not related to kink. When in doubt it is best to ask the blog owner! 

DNIs often include a lot of acronyms which can be pretty confusing if you’ve never seen them before, so here are a few ones commonly found in DNIs!

MAP: Minor Attracted Person, another term for a p*dophile.

(NO)MAP: (Non-Offending) Minor Attracted Person, a p*dophile who has not acted on their urges.

P.E.A.R.: Pro-Expression Anti-Repression, another term for a p*dophile.

MIK: Minor in Kink, a person under 18 who participates in kink or BDSM.

NMIK: No Minor in Kink, this means a person does not want minors in kink interacting with their blog, commonly found in the bio of gear shops and regression shops alike

ALM: All Lives Matter, the opposition movement to Black Lives Matter.

If you find a DNI with an acronym you don’t recognise you can always ask the blog owner what it means! If you have any acronyms in mind that I didn’t answer feel free to send another ask or a message and I will do my best to help define it.

I hope I’ve answered your questions or helped to clear up some confusion! Anyone who says that you can not be a regressor if you are also ddlg is wrong. As long as you and your partner are consenting adults and you are not participating in kink while regressed then it is perfectly okay! Adult regressors are still adults and are allowed to have a sex life outside of their regression!

[dawsonscreekwasalwaysbad]

season 6 thoughts

hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that

like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow

the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt

i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger

CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF

AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB

WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO

AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well

and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.

I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is

and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed

bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series

Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…

SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING

Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho

EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD

The return of Queefburglar69

I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY

Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on

Todd is babey.

Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!

I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.

OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN

was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.

todd is so fucking stupid i love him

ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a  lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory

THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale

I have… mixed feelings about the haircut

Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development

and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?

its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita

GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH

her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.

and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma

noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE

netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?

OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)

and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.

you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)

the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.

anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide

[fellhellion]

1, 9, 42 for 3H asks :]

1. What drew you to / made you pick up and play FE3H?

I really like story driven RPGs ( dragon age fan...) and I had some vague memories of there being a lot of hype when 3h came out and I was interested in it! I picked up a couple other games when i bought my switch and i was just like huh i wanted to play this and people seem to like it, lets do it

9. What is your favorite scene in the game (can be in the main story or a support convo)?

I think the final CF cutscene w Edelgard and Byleth is my favourite tbh. it’s just SO good and I really like how the mood of that cutscene changes once you’ve got all the information regarding these characters, it makes that sad little bit of piano over the shot of Rhea’s body feel even more conflicting, for me personally at least. Also Edie and Byleth whacking a dragon w their weapons just looks rlly cool and i’m a basic bitch. 

Tied for second for me would be Bernadetta’s B support w Byleth (makes me tear up every time FUCK), Edelgard and Hubert’s A support and his A+ support w Ferdinand <3

42. Do you have / are you willing to share a possibly controversial opinion or headcanon you have about a character?

gfkdgjjklfdglk ive got a COUPLE

- a BIG portion of the fandom hatred of leonie yet adoration for felix is just sexism. it’s literally just sexism felix doesnt even APOLOGISE for lot of harsh or even downright cruel shit he says don’t even TRY me with the “oh but leonie said a mean thing she instantly apologises for in the next support :/” 

- lorenz’s critques of claude post ts (and mostly pre ts tbh) are literally just racism <3 theres also the the whole thing about “claudes ideals don’t seem to have concrete paths beyond tear down the borders” but the thing is thats a writing choice ACROSS THE BOARD every single lord is fighting for vaguely defined ideals w no concrete policies because 3h doesn’t care about those details! so i dont think it’s fair to critique claude for not laying that out, or lorenz for not badgering him on it because it’s this weird glaring hole in a character driven drama that every single lord gets, and it’s only made more awkward by the fact edelgard is waging a political war in the first place god WHY did the story choose not to give it’s main characters concrete idealogies and really explore and critique those

- i dont think this is unpopular but the duscur people murders being this narrative prop that gets overshadowed by dimitri’s trauma, to the point of the story privileging his perspective (to the point where dedue is the only retainer who can just fucking die before the ts) over a literal survivor of that genocide is just. such a terrible writing decision it astounds me. lets not even get into the fact that NO ONE really reacts to the revelation in AM as though “oh no we murdered the people of an entire country unjustly” it’s “oh no dimitri’s family was murdered by our own :(” 

- gilbert and annette’s story may not be personally sympathetic to YOU (and a large of portion of it isnt to ME) but i still think he and it are well written

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho