#but that’s ok. because I’m definitely also in a stage where I’ve learnt/am learning how to handle that well and what works for me

[strawberryfaced]

hi I am loved and so are u:)

[entropy-game-dev]

Getting organised in 2021

Huh, me? No I mean you! You!

I'm sure many people are looking ahead to 2021, and, with the new year comes renewals of goals, habits, motivation and so forth. I'm not really about that, but I thought now would be an apt time to talk about what I've learnt over the past 2 years regarding project management and keeping motivated. 

Now, I want to preface this blog with my thoughts about the whole "productivity" thing. I make a huge, HUGE distinction between being productive at work and productive on your hobbies. The idea of productivity in the workplace can be used in a manipulative fashion, where one may work themselves to mental and physical exhaustion for the benefit of someone else. Considering most people reading this will probably be on a fixed wage (rather than commission-based), does it really make sense to push oneself harder without getting any immediate, tangible benefit from it?

So that’s my rant for the blog, I promise! Anyway, on the other hand we have productivity on your hobbies, which is a completely different matter. You get out exactly 100% of what you put into your hobby, and it'll benefit you in multiple ways. I don't think I need to sell this to you, as I'm sure most people, myself included, would love to be more productive on their own personal projects. In this blog, I'm going to be talking exclusively about this sort of productivity and how to improve it in a couple of different ways. Again, this is all stuff I've personally tried and tested, so while I am confident this approach will work for me, it may not necessarily work for you. But, you won't know until you try!! So if you're convinced and want to get motivated, read on!

I first want to talk about one's mindset, and then dive into the tools I use. The latter will provide a bit more context for the former, and in the end, the most powerful tool you have is your brain, so use it!

Training your brain

So, the biggest problem I find myself, and other people have, is how to tackle a project and starting a work session. One I start, I find it easy to get into the zone (and this comes back to the choice of tools that augment my workflow), so getting started and knowing what I'm doing is the main thing I have to tackle. 

On the broadest level, I work with a general plan that has been written up previously. This contains all the key points from start to finish, without worrying too much about the detail at this stage. There is some skill involved in identifying what constitutes a "key" point, but this all comes down to practice. For reference, if I estimate something will take a week or two to finish, that's a task. If something will take longer than that, it's more than likely several tasks, and rolling it up into one task will probably cause some decision paralysis. Anything smaller and your list will get too clogged up, and again, decision paralysis. Right, so that's your high level plan done. Cool, but not really going to help you on a day-to-day basis as this will be something to refer to between tasks.

Ok, so now you have a list of chronological tasks. Take the first one and start it. Oh, you don't know where to start? Don't worry, I'm with you. It's important to recognise the mental signs related to approaching a task. If I find myself hesitating or not looking forward to a particular task, it often means I haven't defined it well enough. That means breaking the task down into individual steps, until you're comfortable saying "yep, I can do this right now" with each dot point. Again, it'll take some practice (depending on your hobby) to visualise and write down each step, but it is definitely something that you get used to, and will save you so much time umming and aahing with your program of choice open, but not actually getting any work done. If you are finding that happens more often than not, it breaks your workflow and you can't get into the zone!

A few more general tips. It helps to be consistent with your work. Try to dedicate a regular time to your hobby and you'll find it a lot easier to get into the working mindset and the zone. Allow yourself some days off, but don't use the excuse of "not being motivated enough" as a reason to take time off. What would be better is, if you can't force yourself to, say, program, work on the art, or the sound, or design. But do it consistently! 

Be accountable as well. This means involving others as much as you can - as an example, say you want to discuss a design aspect with a friend and you'll find extra motivation to work on that aspect, and get it ready for someone else to read over. Just having that knowledge of another person looking at your work will bring it to a new level, trust me! You can also be held accountable to people you don't know! Part of the reason why I started this blog and my Twitter account was because I always have in the back of my mind while working, that it'll eventually make its way to my blog. 

Finally, if your hobby has one, make use of the community where possible - get involved and see if there are ready made templates or resources you can use. I know people like to do things without help, and I absolutely respect that, but I find that people have often gone through the same struggles as you, and will provide ways to make your life easier!

Tools of the trade

Ok so I've used a lot of different software and systems in my time, and by process of natural selection the ones that I still use today are the ones that have been most helpful for me! Here's a short list with both the specific thing I use, and in brackets, what I use it for. If you already use something similar that fill a similar role, then my suggestion is to stick with what you know:

ClickUp (Project management, checklists): This is where I keep a list of all my major tasks. You can have checklists nested in checklists which is amazing for planning, and can organise things into broad categories, and tons more. Any good project management software like Trello etc. should support this.

Google Drive (Cloud storage of other assets, easy sharing, MS office replacement): I use this to store anything that isn't code related, and to work on things simultaneously with other people. While this game is a mostly solo effort, I absolutely discuss and show a ton of stuff to my more experienced friends, who in turn provide very helpful feedback. It's much nicer and more organised than sending files through a messaging app or (heaven forbid) emails!

Bitbucket (Source control, cloud storage of code): If you code, you need this. I don't care how small your project is! Actually, smaller projects are better to learn from! Github is definitely used the most for source control, so if you like that more, use it!

Google Keep (Note taking, brain dumps): Ever had a genius idea right before bed? Same, and I use Google Keep to keep track of them. I could use Clickup in this instance but I find the app to be a bit clunky compared to Keep.

Notepad++ (Rapid notes, copypasting error messages): Notepad ++ is what I use mainly for copypasting error messages to look at later, but I also use it when I need to break down a sub-task down, or make a note to do something later without interrupting my flow. The fact that Notepad++ specificaly can have multiple tabs and will save your tabs automatically without you having to manually save it is amazing.

Good 'ol pen and paper (Scratchpad): For those REALLY hard problems that can't be solved in my head, I turn to pen and paper to get my thoughts organised. While I could use something like Notepad++, I find that being able to write and draw anywhere on the paper, and link things up with lines helps immensely to get a clear idea of things.

Summing up

Right, so, that's about it from me. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on something I've mentioned here, feel free to leave a comment or an ask. In any case, I hope you’re feeling more motivated now, and all the best for your personal projects in 2021!

P.S. I've know I’ve been a bit quiet lately because I'm working on designing the five factions present in the demo - I can't reveal much lore about them (as those will be in logs you'll find in-game), but I will be showing off some more designs and gameplay mechanics in the near future, so look forward to it!

[mmagazinemoment]

Why my past loves make me want to look into nihilism as a lifestyle.

Good morning, midday, afternoon, or evening to you my fellow queers and allies and plain and simply gorgeous humans. You see I have already written another version of this edition but instead I have a pure heroine filled piece instead, and you may not be ready for it because it covers a few serious points but it’s also the (fuck your ex) vibe, not literally…unlesssssss * insert meme*. Thanks for joining me again my loves

 Why my past loves make me want to look into nihilism as a lifestyle

You ever just meet someone and fall completely into their arms and become almost a complete and utter 3rd leg of the other? What I mean in all seriousness is, don’t you ever feel like the love game grows on you like a drug addiction and I know some of you will see this and be thinking? What do you mean “the love game” I know it’s not a game, a figure of speech as such. Basically, what I’m trying to say is have you ever loved someone so much that you didn’t see the signs of detrimental dysfunction.

Wow that all sounds so serious, let me dial it down a little, I’m just trying this new thing called being uncensored and not caring about preconceived notions of myself from external eyes. Months ago, I was shattered into a million pieces and I won’t blame just him because it was my fault for thinking every relationship or whatever it was, was going to end up like a tv romance, no that’s a lie. I over invested and blamed him for hurting my own self, sure he had something to do with it, but he wasn’t just to blame. Can’t tell me I don’t know how to take accountability (wow I’m funny).

For instance, in a movie you meet and lock eyes with someone and the breeze grasps your hair, when I met said person, I was like ‘omg he’s tall, I’m going to fall in love with a giraffe’ and then I tried to build a home in him, without the investment and time taken to be careful with my time and words of affirmation in efforts to receive reciprocation I never got unless it was backhanded or what I wanted to hear. So how did you perceive your first love? Did he/she/they look pleasing? Or was it the scent of their perfume or cologne? Did they dress in a floral vintage outfit or was it a suit and tie? Ballet flats or sneakers? Tell me? I want to know all of the juicy details!

I know some of you probably didn’t ask or ever want to know but my first love happened in a series of me closing doors journeying through my uneasy sexuality labelling and let’s be real, fuck labels am I right? (unless you find comfortability and closure under a label and with that you’re perfectly valid), Love to me was like heroine and in some senses it still is. When I first learnt of love, it didn’t feel like love, it felt like obligation, perhaps a trend. Love felt like learning all he moves to a Tik Tok dance as fast as possible before the hype disappeared, and it became irrelevant again, questionable reference point but blame social media not me. I was never satisfied.

Keep in mind this was 15-year-old me, trying to gain some sense of validation to seem a little less repressed and not confused because before 15 year old me realised that 12 year old me wasn’t as weird as I thought.  I was under this veil of non-transparency and speaking on the subject of transparency I must tell you 12 was the year of age I realised that I wasn’t like the other boys at school, just swooning for girls and getting scared of cooties, I was just begging to be seen by whoever had eyes to care. Sounds dramatic I know.

Nobody was ever there to tell me at such a young age that there were others like me, “different”, the type of boy who watched rebel without a cause and felt weird when James Dean was looking so gorgeous and composed in that leather jacket or admiring Tim Curry when he dressed like no man I’d ever seen on a movie screen in or even real life in the Rocky Horror Show, something sparked in… me. I started on the smallest step I knew, acknowledgement, I knew I could find a home in the fact that there were more people like me, and wow I was right. I was finding comfort in what I knew, I found a few gorgeous women and obviously because of my age we thought that holding hands and a peck on the cheek was all we needed in life from the label of ‘relationship’, but it was only ever a weekly process. Anytime I found ‘love’ I wouldn’t know what to do with it without the chase, like a dog chasing a bone. Even to this day I have never had a successfully long relationship but at least these days it’s not because of my toxic traits, I like to think I’ve grown a considerate amount since I was 15. Don’t get me wrong, neither of those experiences were love? How could they be?

Ironically love happened even ‘after’ I was in a relationship. I had another relationship when I was 17, it lasted a little longer than the prior, it went for a month and a half, I was convinced I loved her, so sappy but you wanted transparency right? I have a lot of it. After that, my ex brought to attention after she cheated on me that I was using her as a sort of beard to cover up the truth about myself, I never knew how to perceive myself until then and that was only the second step, there was so much more to cover.

Skip forward past a few experiences leading up the near current, I met someone, a sort of fleeting romance, now (forewarning, this gets sappy) we talked for a few weeks if my memory isn’t hazy, and we quickly developed something no short of a connection. FaceTime after FaceTime I’d gather more and more pictures of his goofy face and at one stage, I thought I was going to be happy for the foreseeable future, then came reality. You can’t be loved by someone who doesn’t want to face themselves and you can’t help them anymore than what you’re capable of giving out. I didn’t listen to that, naturally things just got worse, and I hated everything…

He would apologise, I would validate his actions to friends who were concerned and realising that I was getting too soon attached and it wasn’t going to end well and I copped the consequences, I still have only recently not found regret in messing up this badly because if I didn’t make that mistake then I would’ve just witnessed those mistakes I made in the lap of somebody else and this is where the saying goes, better the devil you known then the devil you don’t. let me tell you it did more than a number on my mental health before I added up the reasons as tallies against us and internalised what I should’ve subtracted (hehe see what I did there). In all seriousness I wanted the thrill, I sure as hell got one.

Your mental health is amplified by your lifestyle choices and the people you choose to keep in your circle, friendship, or relationships regardless, the whole thing was out of whack and a tornado was nothing less than the accurate definition of where I was at, and it hurt a lot but sometimes it’s best to leave that situation if that person who you thought was going to be there for a while and a necessity to your life ends up being the detriment. (as Ashley Frangipane said) “its crazy when the thing you love the most is the detriment, let that sink in”.  

 If there is one piece of advice that I want whoever sees this to take with them it’s this, Keep your space sacred baby, you only have one life, but also please do not criticize yourself for getting caught in the motion sickness, sometimes you just can’t avoid it and that’s ok. Life is not a movie, life is more like the behind the scenes extra that puts everything into perspective, it’s rational and shows the hard work put in place to make the art and you should remind yourself as such. Remember also that if you cannot cope with all of the stress that presents itself in your life, that there are people that are equipped to help you hold some of the baggage for you until you are ready to take it back and analyse it. Whatever your grief is, I assure you, you’re not alone.

As always, stay healthy and strut your shit and I cannot stress this enough but keep raging against the machine and the super straights xoxo without the gossip girl, farewell until the next piece of The Mantra Magazine. *keep this in mind* next issue will be a little forward, it will include themes of segregation and war regarding the families of the Palestinians and Israeli conflicts happening right now. So, bring some tissues and an open mind. Farewell.

[thejosh1980]

Out Of My Depth....

Last night, before I tried to fall asleep, I saw a video online describing how it feels to have depression and anxiety in somewhat layman's terms...

Basically it said, we struggle because we feel 2 things at once... Such as:

It's like being scared and tired at the same time.

It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive.

It's wanting friends, but hating socializing

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

It's like feeling everything at once, yet feeling paralyzed and numb...

Thanks to that video, I understand myself just that little bit more...

It also opened up a huge can of worms, so I got a terrible night's sleep thinking about all of this, not to mention being disturbed by the very heavy rain storms that suddenly come and go during the night and wake me up here in the tropics.

Rain on a tin roof, best sound ever... Very heavy rain on a tin roof, can be a little disturbing...

Now I've spent over 2 hours trying to put my thoughts into words...

I often had trouble clarifying what I feel or felt at any given time. Not to mention, feeling 2, almost opposite, emotions at the same time can sure be very confusing. I've never been one for labeling things either... My wife is incredibly good at it.. I just didn't learn that skill... until recently... I've started and it really has helped me... Cause once you can name it, you can tackle it head on... Right??

I live with anxiety and depression...

I really love being on stage and performing, yet I can feel so vulnerable and scared at the same time. I enjoy being around my friends, but often I worry about what they really think of me.

I used to crave the love and attention of girls, even if that type of love and attention I was getting, was bad for me.

New Years Eve is coming up, and I would love to celebrate the first NYE down under with my wife in a way that makes it special for her, yet I feel like crawling into bed and hiding from the world.

I don't remember talking to my doctor in Germany about being on stage and having issues with it, I just used to chalk it up to being shy... When I'm in a crowded room, and feeling lonely, we didn't talk about that either... Looking back, I regret that we didn't discuss those problems I had...

But that's the past, and this is the present and presently I am learning...

Since I stopped drinking, I definitely have felt more of these contradictions in emotion more often. I can remember many times being conflicted, confused and, eventually, unconfident. Eventually shrinking away into the corners of the room... Let's be honest, before I stopped drinking, I was just drinking those moments away and focusing on the party, not the problem.

6 years on... I'm still learning about all of this...

So what does all of this really mean?

Well, for me, I feel that it's all “in my head”... And I recognize that, more and more, each day, as I learn about these issues...

When I say it's all “in my head”, I don't want it to sound in any way diminished from what it is...

A real mental health struggle.

It's a fight within myself, and sometimes it's so frustrating there's no “winning” side and I feel helpless and lost. In the past, I have felt suicidal due to that frustration overwhelming me for days on end.

If, for example, I was on stage, I could go into “auto mode”, to get through it. Memory muscle would kick in... Yet I would feel lonely, lost, unsure, insecure and, well, sad. Few people would recognize the struggle within me... But there were a few close friends who figured it out, and I am grateful for their support.

It also means, as it's all in my head and I have started to identify what is happening in my noggin, I can work on it... It's not someone else's job to work on this, it's my responsibility... It's my thoughts that are kickin' my butt and disturbing my life...

A few years ago, over time, my therapist helped me learn it's OK to feel what I feel... I had spent a lot of my time fighting my feelings, thinking I shouldn't be feeling like this. Which had made coping with my emotions very difficult, until I learnt that one little thing...

I used to be a sad grumpy moody man from the festive season until my birthday. I was living in Germany and I would not allow myself to have fun, I had to miss home. I would lock myself away for 6-8 weeks until after my birthday, hiding from the world, because any kind of joy was something wrong to feel when you're 16,000 kilometers from home. 16,000 kilometers from your family. During that time, I wasn't someone you wanted to be around.

With my docs advice, after 14 years in Europe, I started to enjoy Christmas in a far off land... Because I didn't fight it anymore, I let my feelings be... me... I let myself feel joy...

And before I left Europe, I had 2 feel good Christmases in Germany. I'm very thankful.

Now it's time to take the next steps... My doc helped me with singular (mostly negative) feelings, now it's time to approach the “doubled opposite” feelings... I'm not sure how yet, but this is the first step, acknowledgment.

That video was an eye opener, it kept me up most of the night too. Gosh, I had so much more I wanted to write in this blog that has been lost in the darkness of a house ready for sleeping...

Today is the 31stDecember 2020, it's been a full on year... Bring on 2021, where we have the chance to grow, love and learn a little more each day...

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[run2yamama]

Chapter 24 - R2YM (Insight into having an absent-mum due to death)

It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I realised how affected I was by my absent-mother. I had no idea that the way I navigated my life had been shaped around this .

I’ve been speaking to two other women about their experiences and you know what’s sad yet comforting? Our experiences of growing up without our mum’s were so similar. We struggled with relationships, abandonment issues and ultimately lots of unanswered questions. The first one being, who was this woman who gave birth to me; who was she when she wasn’t my mother? This question alone has changed my stance on mothers in general; we need to humanise them.

Though we were all children when we lost our mothers, it’s very insightful to see all the similarities between us. It’s become very clear to me that it doesn’t matter whether you lost your mum to death or because she walked away, it shapes your journey of womanhood entirely. It feels as though you have survived the heartbreaking bit and now you have to spend your adulthood unlearning old patterns of thought.

Between myself and the two wonderful women who spoke to me in depth about their journey with an absent-mum, we decided it’s time to discuss this openly.

I have decided to split this up into three separate chapters as they are quite intense reads, this chapter features a White woman, the second one will feature a Black Woman and my point of view is sprinkled between both so you will have the perspective of a WOC too. I do understand how important representation is and how this may cause differences in our experiences with having an absent-mum however quite honestly, there just aren’t that many.

A WOMAN WHOSE MOTHER ISN’T IN HER MEMORY – Claira Hermet (35 years old, London & a presenter @bbcradiolondon)

Claira’s mum died of breast cancer when she was 9 years old, the memories that she has are vague and of course painful to recall, what she does remember is that before she lost her mum she felt safe and secure.

“I was devastated. It was like my world had ended. Nothing made any sense. I didn’t know who or what I was without my mum. I didn’t know she could die.”

Claira knew her mum was ill, but what does that really mean to a child if they don’t understand the risks and implications of it? For her there was no safety net between the transition of having a mum and suddenly not having one.

As I mentioned above, I struggle to recall pleasant memories with my mum and my strongest memories are traumatic; but thought this was a given as my mum was abusive. Claira’s strongest memory of her mother is unfortunately quite traumatic also and I think that’s very insightful, it says a lot about how children compartmentalise memories.

“Honestly my strongest memory of my mum is her sitting in the bath. She had had a single mastectomy and her chest on that side was an open wound caused by the cancer. She was losing her hair and asked me to cut it off.”

To this day she still feels the pain of unanswered questions she has due to the lack of memories and not being able to know who her mother was as a woman. What do you do when there is nobody left to tell you about her? Claira’s mum has little to no family left, she doesn’t know who her mum’s friends were.

“Was she funny? Who was her first boyfriend? What’s the craziest thing she’s ever done? What was her childhood like? What were her hopes for me? Would she be proud of me?  It’s like I don’t know the person who brought me into this world, who is essentially half of me. I feel really disconnected from her. This hurts and even as I’m writing this it makes me cry.”

What I get from Claira is this very strong sense of empathy towards others, it’s almost as if she will go above and beyond for others due to the pain she has experienced. This is something that is also very true of me, it’s the tendency to want to help others even if it’s at my own detriment sometimes. However this empathy and need to help others is not something that Claira would ever want to change.

“I feel a deep need to help others. To ensure that they never have to feel the way that I have done. I see people’s pain and it really hurts. However this journey has taught me what is possible, how much we have the power to shape, grow and make incredible lives for ourselves regardless of circumstance.”

RELATIONSHIPS & WOMANHOOD

The desperation to be loved is something we all have in common. It’s been a constant battle of not trusting anyone but dying to feel wanted, needed and safe. I think this can be dangerous because there isn’t much regard for our safety/emotional boundaries – or at least this used to be the case before we recognised it.

I personally feel as though I missed out on all the love/hugs/affection and so this has definitely played a role in the choices I have made growing up. It’s as if you disregard your instincts because the need to feel loved overrides it completely. I mean, I feel as though I have faced the ultimate rejection; at a very early stage in life and so it only makes sense that I have had unlearning to do.

I’ve always felt different to other women, almost like I know something that they don’t; as though I’ve experienced this secret world that they haven’t. It’s only now that I’ve started to talk about it and actively seek out other women who have been through what I have, that I feel like I’m not alone anymore. I still find it hard to relate to other women, it’s almost as though the stereotypical ‘gentle’ nature of women makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

Giving myself time to grieve (my mum didn’t die but something in me definitely did) and face the uncomfortable truths has been life-changing. I’m finally in a healthy relationship, with boundaries on both ends that we respect and adhere to. I have never felt more secure and for the first time in my life I am not constantly waiting for someone to get up and abandon me.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“I desperately wanted to be loved. I felt confused, like someone had hit be round the head and I had just never been able to make sense of thing ever again. I want to see a clear path or know what I should do but I just had no sense of direction or clue of what was possible. I felt broken, incomplete and insufficient.

My self hatred and confusion about my experience ended up with me seeking attention and affection from men. Sadly though I couldn’t communicate with them as I really struggled to talk. I was having sex with men but unable to express my needs, perhaps because I didn’t know what they were but also because my communication skills were massively under developed. I so badly wanted to no longer feel alone.

What is womanhood? I don’t know if I really know now. I always felt disconnected from women. I didn’t really know how to relate to adult women. I had to learn that. I always just felt less than, incomplete. These words and themes come up a lot for me when talking about the absence of my mother. I learnt only because my friends and I became adult women. Prior to that I really just thought I needed to be attractive to find love to feel ok. Which is really sad but that’s what I thought it was to be a woman.  I always feel like an outsider. Even now. I feel like I’m not a real women or a real grown up. It’s something I have to continually work on. Comparing myself to people I know who grow up with a mum I would say I am less balanced.

I would not be this version of me if it was not for my experiences. I also lost my sister to breast cancer. After this it was discovered I have the BRCA1 gene mutation so I had a preventive double mastectomy. After everything I am now in a space where I have a very strong sense of self. This was discovered out of necessity. My life was such a mess mentally and emotionally for such a long time and because my experiences where extreme I knew I had to make changes. After my sisters death finding a sense of peace and love for myself became imperative. I knew that no matter how long it was going to take I had to find a way to be ok.

I have a strong understanding of the powers of self love, self belief and self confidence which I feel we all have a birth right to. My mum’s death and her absence have shaped me and my life. Accepting that this is my life, there is no if’s or but’s has allowed me to take responsibility for myself and my life and really start living it. “

ROLE MODELS AND SOCIETY

My dad was my main caregiver and he did his absolute best but let’s face it, the dads who stay behind and take care of their children aren’t discussed often either. What he did know how to do was cover my practical needs, for this I will forever be grateful but this meant that sometimes he was emotionally unavailable.

These discussions were not being had period. Not with us, not around us and definitely not in society as a whole; not in the same way absent-fathers were discussed. I’ve had conversations with my own dad about this recently and he expressed that he struggled in the same way because of the lack of discussion around this. He didn’t know where to turn to for advice, he didn’t know any other men immediately around him that could relate to this. This resulted in him not even recognising that he needed advice on this on the first place – in his eyes he was doing every he should and would be doing had my mum never treated me in this way/left me.

I was fortunate that my grandma was there during this transition; she was my source of love and support and this cushioned me as the rest of my world was crumbling. Although she died only a couple of years later, having her was vital to me as I was able to experience that maternal guidance first-hand.

Growing up I had a couple of close friends whose mothers did embrace me into their lives and I always felt welcome. I had one close friend growing up whose house I had dinner at every night for at least 3 years, I was never made to feel like a burden. It provided me with routine and again, without this I might have felt the loss of my mum even more deeply.

Being able to witness these healthy mother-daughter relationships pushed me into me realising just how much my own mum had wronged me and that was painful; to the point where I sometimes stayed away.

CLAIRA’S EXPERIENCE

“The day my mum died I think my whole family kind of died and was reborn because nothing was ever the same. Everything changed and everyone changed.

For my teenage and early 20’s I tried to cope alone because I truly felt I was alone. I missed out on the attention and affection my mum had once given me. I really didn’t know where I fitted it. I felt uncomfortable in myself, in my life and in the world. My ‘future’ or ‘what I could be’ was never even discussed or considered. I had very little guidance and so most stuff I had to workout for myself.

My Dad is a lovely man. I love him very much. He dealt with things in his own way which I know at the time he thought was best for us and him. It wasn’t. I didn’t have a role model. He did the best with what he knew at the time, as this wasn’t being spoken about; the consequence was that I didn’t get the support I actually needed but instead got the support he thought I needed.

I started my period on Christmas eve. I knew a little bit about them. I didn’t want to tell anyone so I used my pocket money to buy sanitary towels for a year or so before anyone notice. It was scary and every time something like that happened I was reminded of how much I wanted my mum back. It was always very emotional.

As far as role-models go, I just don’t think I’ve ever had that. I started reading books, trying therapy and doing all I could from the space I was in to achieve some kind of equilibrium. Everything else took a back bench because I started to realise that until I raised myself to a level playing field internally nothing else would have balance, nothing else would make me feel whole and nothing else would allow me to finally feel happiness. “

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

It’s like we all power through life, not just because we have to but because we know we deserve to thrive; then Mothers Day comes around and we breakdown.

There are some fundamental and obvious problems that need addressing; it all starts with having open and honest conversations. We can be the women to each other that we have so been in need of. What’s clear is, the loss of our mums has shaped our lives and we owe it to ourselves to continue unlearning behaviour that only hurts us further.

I think after all 3 posts, I will do a final one to fully analyse what we have all had in common. I do think it’s important to remember that when we are talking about absent-mums, there are also young girls/women out there whose mothers left them without a say or choice in the matter due to death. Whether our mothers chose to leave or have died – we still had to navigate life without them and we have all been shaped by this.

[shipwrecknights]

SANDIPURWARA 2K19

Ok this is gonna be the longest post ever but i HAVE to write this so bear with me

My annual school theatre production just ended yesterday and the post production blues are at an all-time high. I am terrible at farewells; I’m not a very sentimental guy, not very expressive and I can’t articulate affection well without preparation first. This isn’t my first production, in fact it’s my fourth. I have literally been through this every year for four years in a row and every time it hits hard but this year the feeling is nearly overwhelming. My family and friends always ask my why i keep going back, seeing that the trainings take so much out of me every year. But the fact is, they will never understand. The love that i receive in return from this production....my god. These people are really my family. Never have i met a group of people so easy to talk to, to confide in, who complains so much about having to train and yet come back every day and give it their 80% (lol). I am SO thankful that they are in my life. I’ve watched this project grow over the years and these people have also watched me grow; from an actor in Ziarah and Cinta Mawar, to a scriptwriter in Kalbu and finally a stage manager in Sandipurwara. In 2015 i was a boy with literally no friends in uni, no interest at all in Malay theatre and now I have a 50+ pax strong family gained over the years. In no particular order, these are just some of the people that made Sandipurwara so special for me: To the PDs: Thank you for pulling me into this show. I was adamant about joining intro this year because i felt that i had to move on in life, and that 3 years was a nice number to leave at. When Halijah texted me (nearly begging) to take up the role as ASM, I just thought what the heck. She is my friend and I should help. Halijah and i met in 2016 during Ziarah. We were both cast members and we weren’t close close, but close enough to joke around every day. I always thought she was hilarious. And a very talented actor. She’s the kind of person that makes everyone in the room laugh with her crazy antics, even when the mood is tense, which was almost always the case. I always say to her “Tu lah siapa suruh jadi PD,” not to mock her capability, but just as a running joke because we were always one of the lazy ones who just wanted to go for smoke breaks during training. And yet there she was this year leading the whole ass project. She has balls. The shit that she went through this year. I feel so sorry for always being honest with you, about your leadership style, about the first script that we all turned down, for always replying to you in a stern, I’m-pissed-off manner. You don’t deserve all that. But I’m honest because I always knew you could be better. Four years is a long time!!! You are essentially like my baby sister now. I hope we can hang out more often, go to gigs together maybe. Anyways you fucking did it jah. I couldn’t be more proud of you, couldn’t be more proud to have worked under you. Some people were skeptical when you wanted to be PD but you definitely proved them wrong. I will never forget you and Zu during Ziarah, acting in the training room at block A level 5, getting scolded by Abang Mok, and crying, and STILL continuing the comedy scene. All with tears rolling down your face. Fuck. You were trying so hard and that made me wanna cry too. Congrats Jah. I love you so much and thank you for everything. (anyways emo night pe) As for Naj, we also met in 2016. She acted as the mother of my best friend in the show, and she really suited the role LOL kidding. But Naj is a good actor and dancer, AND a brilliant admin person, something that I can never do ever. What i like about her the most is that she is quiet, takes all the shit she receives and just get the work done without much noise. Basically the opposite of us all. This year she took up the role of APD, and did it while still being herself. I’ve always respected her, seeing her take up so many important roles the past few years. Someone once said to me, Naj is like one of the most senior person here, starting all the way from Iman, but never once did she mention that or use it as a way to assert her seniority. Thank you Naj. The world needs more humble + hardworking people like you <3 And then there’s Shakir. Fucking hell, where do i start. I wasn’t too fond of you when I first met you. Your face and mouth sometimes really mintak kene rembat. But one day it really hit me (and it upset me quite a bit): YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME. Hahahaha fuck we were both cursed with the dying need to speak our minds and filter absolutely nothing. I guess from that day on I just learnt to tolerate your shit because I understand you. You’re probably the most articulate guy in all the intros (but not in malay obviously). Even though your rhyming poems are corny as hell, I respect that you always speak to us in such a concise and inclusive manner, always try to get your opinion across as tactfully as possible, always thinking of how others would feel, even when you’re an insensitive fuck deep down. You always try to mingle with all the departments, which makes it look like you’re friendly, but we all know you just don’t want to feel FOMO. You are the APD that no one wanted but we all NEED. I’m glad we got a bit closer this year because I feel that being so alike, we can learn a lot from each other. Its a shame we didn’t get to see the Jacket Pelacur ™ this year, but we all know you’re busy making moves silently and to that I wish you all the best. I will never forget out stressful trip finding paint and kain, the girls searching for our felt pads while we stand around doing nothing at Spotlight, and you asking me about haram keropok at Daiso wihle I’m almost crying about the damn skirting. Also, good luck with your stint as the MCMS president. You are the first malay-muslim club president that constantly sleeps in girl’s laps, says the f-word, says Bismillah at the end of a speech instead of the beginning, and changes pants at the storage area without the conscience of even closing the door. You do you bro. I will pray that you see the light and be a better person, but thank you for constantly checking up on me and always being a brother. Love you bro #idkmanidk

To my SM Irfan: Bro. Brooooooo. You are one helluva guy. Sometimes I felt that you were overemotional about many things, something that an insensitive guy like me could never understand. But the more you opened up to me, the more I learnt to understand that you just have a very big heart. You get stressed very easily by very small things people say. But that always pushed you to work harder. I always look at you working so hard to plan our PT/crew sessions, and yet some nights you text me shit like im sorry, i feel like im not doing enough as an SM. BRUH. Kau stop it. But that really sums up what kinda person you are. Truly a humble guy that just wants to go around spreading joy to people with his lame-ass puns. I couldn’t have had a better partner. It was tough doing SM things with no third ASM, and come to think of it we been through so many obstacles that only you and I know about. Constantly texting each other about the shit we have yet to do and don’t know how to do, skyping till 3am at night when there’s training at 10am the next morning. It was a great learning process working alongside you. When we hugged just before the last show, you immediately started to cry and that made me tear up, so I pulled away and got the fuck away from you because I didn’t wanna cry as hard. We are two very ugly criers. I am truly sorry if i have ever wronged you, went away to smoke while you’re busy doing stage work, raised my voice at you, and especially sorry that I made you plan all the PT sessions by yourself. I’m sorry if i ever made your life more stressful. Thank you for showering the crew babies with so much love and attention on my behalf. I think your leadership was more than sufficient and that without you, this show couldn’t have been what it was. Love you Erphie baby To Fitri: FITTTTT. I think you were the one who pulled me into auditioning for the first production in 2016. I rmb just randomly coming to the audition and you were being over-appreciative, thanking me for coming haha. You’ve been there for me right from the start. Always supporting me in everything I do, no matter how shitty my acting was, and no matter how bad I was at script writing. You really are the mother of Introspeksi. But you are also like my sister, my teacher, my maid, my best friend, and my girlfriend (rarely). Truly the MVP of Introspeksi, you always selflessly help the PDs and casts every single year, shower us with love and push us to grow. I love that you always tell us to renew our niat whenever we come for training in order to help us get through the exhaustion, the scoldings, and everything negative. I feel sad whenever you get scolded by Abang Mok because I know you’re just trying your hardest to prolong the legacy of this special project. Even though you’re not the pioneer PD of Intro, I feel that you’re the one that started this big family because thanks to you we’re all involved in this crazy business. There’s really nothing I can do to repay you so I’ll just say thank you, for making my life in uni much much better. Continue being the strong, independent and ambitious woman that you are and I’m very sure you’ll be very successful one day. Love you Fit you’re my idol <3

To Zahir: My man. Another person that I’ve been through so much with. I miss our days with izzah and the bebs, sitting at the skatepark and under void decks till 3am, literally laughing till we cry. Those days I will never forget. Acting alongside you in Cinta Mawar, playing two really redundant roles, was also a fun experience although you were upset that your scenes were cancelled on show day hahaha. I knew you always wanted to act some more ever since that show. And then there’s Kalbu, writing the script with you was one hell of an experience, kita kene kecam every training by everyone, script lambat script lambat, script lambat macam cb. (f u shakir) No one knew how hard it was to write such a serious script under close scrutiny of two PDs, numerous advisors, and ofc Abang Mok. And yet I think we managed to have some, if not most, of our ideas remain in the final cut of the script and I’m still very proud of that. I’m sorry for all the times I scolded you, saying you weren’t putting in enough effort, etc. This year you finally got casted as a main and bro I’m so fucking proud of you. Wasn’t confident with your acting at first but during the show, as i watch you and Hidhir from the side curtain, i thought to myself, damn these guys r really trying so hard and it’s really paying off. Your role was really made for you and I’m so happy that your goofing off on stage actually made the show 10x more entertaining. Dalam diam, you’ve contributed so much to the club, and introspeksi, and you did it all while always making everyone laugh. You’re really a one-of-a-kind friend and we all love you. Didn’t really get to show my appreciation to you after Kalbu (idk why we all never post anything) but bro thank you for everything, thanks for the hard work, thanks for all the laughs, for the lepak/jam sessions, the (two) fitspo sessions, for the subtle looks/touches whenever a cute girl is nearby. No matter how rarely we meet I’ll always treasure this friendship man I love you (I ain’t never gonna stop loving you....biiitch) To Jannah: I know I didn’t spend as much time with you this year as I did in the last, but you know I love you janz. Everyone keeps pulling out the “mana nak lepak dgn kita lagi” shit on me, but you were always impartial and the most cool about it. I hope you know that I cherish our time together from Cinta Mawar and Kalbu, no matter how much we drift apart. Anyways congratulations for another brilliant year in acting. From the start, I knew you were our only hope for the cast. You have always been disciplined, practicing at home, staying in character, doing research, coming on time every training, etc. Your dedication to Intro always impresses me. You, Durr, Win, Zahir and me went through so much crazy shit man in Kalbu. I will never forget. All the passive aggressive texts, trying to get me and Zahir to buck tf up, us not meeting all the script deadlines, sharing personal stories with each other, writing the script at Woodlands AND the masjid till 5am, and all the laughter. So much laughter was shared. It feels like there was no proper closure for Kalbu, cos the four of us never really showed our appreciation to each other/say our farewell properly. No idea why. But well here it is now. Thank you Jannah for everything. You were the first person to make me cry backstage before the final Sandi show. Kau just masalah, aku tengok muka kau je nak nangis. AND even when the final show started, when I saw you singing so enthusiastically (and badlly) at the handheld mic on stage left, swaying left to right even when no one was watching, man that made me tear up too. Never stop being you, the kind-hearted, sisterly figure that everyone feels comfortable being with. Lepak soon, love you baby girl <3 To Durr-baby/daddy: What a guy you are. Even though you’re younger, I’ve always looked up to you from the start. Wise beyond your years, you’ve always been that calming voice for when I’m stressed out with Intro. You always help us out so selflessly, sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable/guilty thinking about it. But its ok because you always show how sincere you are when lending a hand. This year, you’re just an advisor, who doesn’t need to come that often. But yet you attend every training, stood alongside Irfan and I, almost playing the role as the third SM. I appreciate every time you take charge and give out instructions to the crew when you notice that I’m stressed out/can’t lead very well. And you do all this without overstepping any boundaries, always respectful to the two of us. And to think you were and APD and VP of the club last year. If all future exco members follow in your footsteps, i’m sure MCMS will breed an amazing group of individuals. Tapi kau pun satu masalah. I clearly said don’t go behind and see Jannah, you will cry. Kau pergi jugak. Kau just nak semua orang nangis dengan kau hahahahahahahaha its ok bro i understand crying hURTS SO GOOD. Thank you Durr for the countless nights of sending everyone home even when you’re exhausted. Thank you for always keeping me and Irfan grounded in chaotic times. Thank you for the kekek times at stage left, staring at the transitions with me and shakir like its visual ganja, muttering those two comforting words into my ear, “double pivot”, and for always reminding me and everyone that letting out our feelings is fucking important to survive. Love you durrbaby stay sweg A special shoutout to the new friends I made this year, Hidhir and Junie. Ya’ll are just gerek. Thank you for joining our intro family even when you really didn’t need to, and for giving your all for every scene. Firstly I have to say y’all (+ Zahir and Hazeeq) made our saturday mornings a living hell. Wake up late, sick, heavy traffic, phone died, and all the cock reasons ya’ll gave. It got to the point that Junie gave me her house number to call her mum to wake her??? Just hal. Sampai show day dia lambat, faham eh. But anyways. I’m so glad you two decided to join this year. Thank you for being so easy to talk to, as a sister and brother, thanks to Hidhir for welcoming us into his home that one fateful night, for always spreading love and hugs and being emotional as fuck during debriefs. Thank you Junie for being so open with us, always sharing your stories, even tho we never ask. Thanks for pushing yourself even with all the heavy criticism from the directors. If you need your mic box to be checked again, just hmu. To Hazeeq, you alr helped us last year in Kalbu, but this year returned again as another main cast. The best part about Hazeeq is that he is friends with e v e r y o n e and always goes around the room to have conversations with every single person. Proper friendly guy, I’m gonna miss your hugs and kisses every night and your “Sorry I’m sorry....she correct.....I wrong.” Stay gold my brotha, a guy like you is not easy to find so pls make sure you never change.

Last but definitely not the least, my CREW BABIES. Y’all are surely an odd bunch, all randomly coming to help our production. But ya’ll are the best crew I’ve ever seen in my 4 years here!!! Never complaining, even when you come to training and do absolutely nothing. Always understanding towards me and Irfan, listening to what we say, and helping out when we don’t know what to say. Working so hard on the sets and props, ya’ll are always on autopilot and didn’t need us to guide you all the time. Thank you Alfiera (you basic bimbo bish), Aliah, D.Hadi, Hadi Shy, Haziq (ma man), Sheeda, Syazwani (non-tudung), Syaza Aliah (my twine girl u saved my life every show ily) and Zana (my only stage left buddy). I love you all I swear. Special shoutout to DIBO DEE, Dibo baby thank you so much for all your help. You’re so crafty and creative and calm and cool when you do work. I love how your voice changes when its time for serious work and how you go around spreading love and giving sweets to everyone. Can never forget the moaning sounds that erupted from your phone during our dry run hahaha U STAY COOL DIBO ILY. And!!! Special special shoutout to my 3 fav crew girls: Rania, Wani and Sofiyah!!! Idk if ya’ll are my adiks or girlfriends but rest assured I love being around you guys and i’m glad we got close thru this show. You’re all too damn young but trust me if i could I’d marry all of you HAHA. To Rania, thanks for being a walking meme factory, I still can’t believe i’m friends with a 19 year old ffs. But hey you have great taste in music just like me. We can have a date lying down on the beach while listening to the XX and Arcade Fire one day ok. Thanks for shaving your legs for me, calling me every day to pray subuh (I don’t deserve you) and for being so candid about yourself to me. I’ll text you if i’m 30 and single ok pls be my backup plan. God bless you baby girl i love you. To Wani, sorry for saying that you’re too emotional when ya’ll were upset after getting shit for wardrobe things. But you’re so cute when you’re mad?? Hahaha and sorry for saying that you’re conservative (tho there’s nothing wrong with that) just because you’re a madrasah girl. Actually you’re pretty open about everything. Thanks for being a kind hearted person, always looking out for me, and putting up with the nonsense that me and Shakir talk about. Love you Wani if you miss me just hmu and I’ll be there. To Sofiyah, uuuu fuckin’ weirdo. I love how casual you are about everything and how I don’t have to think of what I say around you. Also, I admire how you always kept your shit together even when people were shitting on you about wardrobe things. Thank you for picking up the role despite having no experience in past Introspeksis. You did great man. Continue to participate in the coming years and I hope you get a guy as meaty as Hidhir or has a nice body like mine (#2 best body). Please curb your thirst for skinship and kembali ke jalan yang benar. Hahahahahaha love u Soffy baby see u soon xx And to everyone else, those unmentioned, please know that I love you guys too. Nana, Shaik, Yus and Aishah y’all are my seniors who i look up to whenever we’re doing a show and your knowledge and advice are always valuable to us. I always see you guys as who we’re supposed to grow into in the field of arts, even tho korang berbual merepek 75% of the time. Nana your play-flirting makes me turn off my comms headset but you’re an amazing amazing actor, SM, PD, and now lights technician. My respect for you has always been 10/10. This year you never shout at me, very good. Aishah, your acting has always been crazy good and this year you reminded us again. Thanks for being the big sister figure to all of us babies, while at the same time spewing inappropriate sexual nonsense 24/7. You da besttt. Shaik and Yus, thanks for being the big bros that i never had, always so cool and quiet but so talented with the music. And of course the musicians, who practice so hard every day, hitting the rebana till your hands bruise, coming early everyday to go through every riff/melody/tune and taking all the new ideas from Abang Mok and giving it life. Y’all are so amazing and you continue to be the best part of our shows every time. The dancers, I watched you guys train from the start!!!! Honestly it was very scrappy at first, and you guys went through so much drama and changes and getting shouted at, and of course injuries. All the bandages and patches and ankle guards were worth it cos you guys were amazing on show night, I know because I watched from the side curtain every time. Love the fight song number so much <3 For the rest of the cast, those with supporting roles, ya’ll were equally amazing and some of you even with one scene got an ovation from the crowd. Thank you for the hard work day in day out despite not landing a major role; your patience and understanding made the show what it was; a gathering of unique characters from different walks of life all for a single purpose.

Finally, I’m really sorry if i have wronged anyone in any way, which i prolly have. I love all my friends and never have any intention to hurt them. This shit that we did together was SO special and people will never understand the bond that’s been forged here so I hope these friendships lasts for as long as they possibly can. What Yus said was spot on: there is no “final year” or “last show” because Introspeksi is a family and you can never run away from that :’) Ok PEACE OUT ILY’ALL

[wonnhao]

Hi gen! Could you translate the conversation between minghao and jony j if it's no much problem? Thank you for all the work you do ♥️

If it's not too much trouble... Can you gif his talk with Jony J too?

here you guys go!! ^^ also I’m sorry that the set is so wordy, but the both of them really spoke a lot, I had to cut down quite a bit of my translation in the set..I’m just going to attach it to this ask in a read more!!

MH: Ge, I’ll be straightforward, I won’t beat around the bush. I don’t know if before you came on this program, when I was thinking about who I wanted to work on a stage with, I wrote you. And you’re a rapper I really like in China, I’ve told you this many times. I really like Chinese rap. 10 years ago, I only was involved with Hip Hop. I was the leader of China’s smallest B boy group. I went to Beijing for dance, and was chosen by this side. It was fate, that I came here. Following my group, I gradually got to see more of the world, and learnt a lot of things, and gradually developed my own way of thinking. I realised I like, I really - I wouldn’t leave everything I have now, but I want to incorporate everything I have now into what I really wanted before, because I really like Hip Hop. I don’t really have to be a Hip Hop person, I just want to make it a part of me.

JJ: Because you’re someone with depth, you’re very positive and open

MH: Praising me *gets shy*

JJ: What you write is really what you feel. Before, underground rappers really hated idol rappers, or trainees because we thought they were fake. We thought they were fake, hypocritical. But what you say is really how you feel, your experiences. Those are some ways you can improve on

MH: Actually in my heart I already know there’s an answer, but I still wanted to challenge myself, and I really wanted to work with you.

JJ: Firstly, I’m thankful you would choose me, and that you told me these things. I’m happy to hear them. Everyone likes to hear praises, and I’m not an exception. After interacting with you these few times, and including our conversation before, I have an idea of what you want. And after hearing your song. Maybe you like Hip Hop, but I want to do much more with Gongge after working with him. Gongge can do what I want to do, but also things I can’t do and that’s why I came on this program. I really want to know Gongge and to work with him because I’ve never had this opportunity in my life. I can only find this experience with him, I haven’t experienced enough

MH: Before I came on this program, I wanted to work with idols. To do what I’ve been doing. I didn’t have many thoughts at that time. From the first stage, your song, and GG’s song, and today’s stage, after hearing that, my thoughts from before were completely changed. Because both of your work really captivates me, makes me excited and happy. I really like music, but after coming on this program, I realise I like it more. From this program, I want to get to know you, and slowly increase my experiences and learn, and to share more. I want to learn from you

JJ: I think everyone can learn from others. From you, I can see how terrible I am. Do you know that?MH: No no

JJ: From that day I spoke to you, I realised you’re not a simple person. I still just want to be with GG

MH: But if you can’t follow your wishes and work with GG, would you be willing to be with me?

JJ: If I can’t be with him, everyone else would be the same. I only want to be with GG

MH: *disappointed* Okay. I have an answer. *starts rambling* People can only have few exchanges like this in life, it really hasn’t been easy. I’m thankful to the show, and Pepsi, CYZJ

MH: I’m really at a loss, my brain hurts.

that’s basically the whole trans of their conversation, and I’m just going to leave my two cents on the thing here. I honestly...have no idea why JJ is acting the way he is? Literally all the kids on the show have expressed the want to branch out and explore and to find new niches for themselves, which is great. JJ is definitely an established and respected rapper in China, he does have his own following and there’s a reason why MH really respects and idolises him. But so far...he’s just shown an unwillingness to work with the rest of the participants and to try new things and he even said on the show (with GG) that they’re uncomfortable with the situation and would rather be on the show where they can do their own thing...did they sign up to be on this show without knowing at all what was going to happen...but okay tbh I’m just mad that even after minghao literally laid his heart out like that...JJ at the end could have just said a yes...bc hao was stating a hypothetical situation where if he couldn’t work with GG, would he consider trying to work with hao at all? (this is after hao has shown his earnest interest in learning from JJ) he straight up was like...everyone else would be the same (if he can’t work with GG, he’d view every other participant as the same) I could be mad bc I’m a minghao stan but honestly...the way the show’s editing + his personality just rubs me the wrong way LOL ok i’ll shut up here

[consortno1]

Ep. 2 - The One Where He Looks At Good Relationships And Bad Relationships

So in my second set of meanderings I'd like to explore how we know whether the relationship we're in is a good one. I mean, from the beginning before you even really know each other how can you be sure you're in the right place?

Well my first thought might be a strange one to some of you but it's all about the smell. Everyone has their own scent and when you're in a long term relationship with someone that is going to become very important. With some people the relationship at a mental level feels ok but that person's scent isn't that comfortable or "nice". It's not about smelling bad but just how that scent fits you.

Ok so I know that to some of you this might sound really weird but ask yourself; does your partner have his or her own scent? Of course they do but do you like it? How does it make you feel? I remember many years ago losing a good friend to a hit and run in Cyprus and his wife, who he pushed out of the way to save her life on their 40th wedding anniversary was just completely beside herself with grief. Some time after that when talking to her she said that sometimes she could smell him in their house. That certain scent that went everywhere with him would sometimes reappear and it was comforting to her. At that time I suppose I didn't really understand this but during the course of my life I have come to completely understand it. Don't underestimate it and certainly don't deny its existence because you'll be denying an inalienable truth. It is self evident

I have had relationships where that scent wasn't quite right but now, with my girlfriend, I find it both comforting and yet arousing. I find it relaxing and yet exciting. I find it to be.......right. Yes I can nuzzle my nose into her neck, her hair, her body (any part of it!) and pick up slightly different scents depending on where it is but all of them just feel SO good to me. Even in the early "rampant" stages of previous relationships I haven't felt that.

So does your partner's scent have that effect on you? Do I sound like I'm nuts?

Well here's the thing; that scent is part of arousal and arousal forms part of love. And yes, love really is all you need. The rest can be worked on. Money, professional opinion, housework, who does what, where and when.....these things can all be negotiated and worked on over time but without the base there of arousal and love you're screwed, and not in a good way.

So what else makes for a good relationship? Acceptance of each others' differences, yes. Appreciating each other as a person as well as a lover, definitely. 

It is fantastic to find that person sexy, so sexy you can barely keep your hands off them. It is amazing to feel that level of arousal and passion but guess what, without anything to back that up it will soon wear off. You need to LIKE that person too. I mean, really like them. Yes, you need to be able to make each other laugh. Yes, you need to be able to comfort each other after a bad day at work or after some sad news but we can do that to anyone.

Do you really really LIKE that person? I mean, are you proud of them and who they are? Are they proud of you? Do you look at them, even when they're just doing their own thing and think to yourself "he/she (delete as appropriate) is amazing to me, the most amazing person I've ever met"? I've had relationships where I thought that person was quite cute and sweet. I've had relationships where I thought that person was really clever. I've had relationships where I thought that person was funny. But guess what, two outta three ain't that good after all. If you think your partner is funny, clever, sweet and just amazing then you're onto a good thing.

All these things; the scent, the personality, the beauty inside and outside can be figured out within weeks of meeting. It might take years to really get to know someone but within weeks you can know whether it's going to last long enough to find the rest out.

So, in closing, this episode is probably aimed at both sexes but in my next episode; "The One Where He Shows How To BE That Good Relationship", I will be shamelessly focussing on how the man can be more successful at making that relationship work. Yes, it's all about pleasing your lady in the next episode and it could get pretty raw and intimate. Ah who am I kidding, I'm going to go to town on how to treat your lady like a Queen and what will happen when you learn how.

Of course I should start putting a disclaimer on my blogs because, reading them back I think you'd be forgiven for thinking I'm a cocky big-headed man who thinks he knows it all. I really don't and I'm far from perfect but over my years I've seen failure and success and, like anyone sensible I've learnt from both. I've learnt where I went wrong or where others went wrong with me but I've also learnt how to be me without trying to be something else and the benefits that brings. We'll cover that in the next episode too.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to your thoughts/follows/likes but most of all I look forward to the next time my mind meanders in the general direction of this blog.

[junglesandnutella-blog]

An Update

I can’t believe that my last post on here was over 7 months ago. Crazy to think how fast time flies; crazier to think about how much has changed since.  November was a painful month. I may have alluded to it in my last post, but things only got wilder (for the lack of a better description) after. Following a big fallout, I (was forced to) stop talking to my ex - in a state of mind where even 2 weeks without contacting drove me mad.

I got lucky, though, because what followed was a busy period that has kept me pre-occupied since (I’ve really only had a proper break this June!). I started thinking less and less about how I was not talking to him; and as cliche as it seems, started focusing on my day to day. Whether it was during the short trip I had with my friends, to family from overseas popping by, to working on my graduation musical.  What I would say is that November up until now has been a transformative period for me. Chiefly because I learnt to be on my own (something I had not fully embraced since 7 years ago). I started being present for family and friendships - whether it was being fully engaged in family functions, or making time for friends I hadn’t seen in awhile (am particularly thankful for the closer friends and cousins who made time for me). I started doing things that I wanted to, in my own time - reading, exercising, and the like. I can’t lie and say that he didn’t cross my mind - because he does, even till today haha. At the start I would find an opportunity to talk about him as much as I could; but I find myself doing that lesser and lesser nowadays. I think of him not so much in an “I miss you” kind of way, but more of a fleeting thought. And I guess that’s something that will stay with me for awhile - I accept that I will forever be changed by who he is and what he (+ our 7 years of growing up together) means to me.  On Law School and Graduation  Where I didn’t believe in the *virtue* or power of timing, I do now. Because I am truly grateful that things happened at the exact time they were supposed to. Without the break-up and being forced to be alone, I don’t think I would have had the time or capacity to fully appreciate my last semester in law school. I took part in a heartwarming graduation musical, became closer to schoolmates I ordinarily would not talk to, attended house parties, studied in school together till 2/3am, and basically connected with others in a way I did not previously. I used to think law school was just made up of a bunch of ‘try-hards’ and overly-ambitious people - so I chose (wrongly) from the onset to recluse myself from all that. People getting internships as early as Year 1? Nah, not for me. People knowing when to apply for jobs, what notes to use? It’s ok, don’t need that kinda intel. People spending time with each other, studying together in school? I’ve got cooler ‘outside’ friends to hang with.  But my last year of law school completely, ironically, ‘schooled’ me. I learnt that over-ambitiousness was not for the purpose of staying ahead of each other, but was driven by an innate love of learning. I started wanting to do well not just because, but because I was so intrigued, inspired, and intellectually stimulated by what I was learning. Staying in school till late wasn’t dreary at all, when you’re surrounded by some of the most hard-working people - who were also so kind to look out for each other whether in the form of buying meals for you or listening to your crazy rambling about your study schedule or research paper. Stack this with the house parties or brunches we had - boujee, perhaps; but also so full of humour, wit, and love.  So, law school was a challenge - but in a good kind of way. People ask me why I love it so much and it’s really because it’s a whole other experience and environment on its own that I can never fully explain - it exposed me to a completely different group of people who spurred me on intellectually and holistically everyday. Of course, there are some *bad apples* but these are far and few; and I’m thankful to God for not only surrounding me with the good ones (heh), but also giving me an opportunity to be privy to this environment (even though I will never match up to these friends). 

Life after graduation has paled in comparison, of course. Am fully aware that being able to do nothing is in and of itself a privilege right now, but I’m one who thrives on adrenaline and keeping busy so it has been a rather lull period. I took on a part-time job (with an absolutely amazing boss), spent more time with friends (again, always grateful for those who make time for me), as well as just took time to rest and recuperate from a busy couple of months.  I sit for the Bar in a few months, and the preparatory course begins in 2 weeks. Am already feeling all sorts of excited, but I’m also really nervous about transiting into a different phase of life. *Technically* I will still be studying so it will be an easier transition, but change of any sort is always daunting... On Faith ...which brings me to my next thought, faith. My relationship with my religion has always fluctuated - there are times I have complete faith accompanied with much zealousness, other times I don’t make an honest effort to practice this. I think it’s because I never really came to love and learn about my religion in my own way. So I spent Ramadan this year trying to do just that.  That one month definitely strengthened my belief; but I think more importantly it solidified a relationship that I could be comfortable with. I’m not ‘ultra-religious’, but it’s an understanding and belief in my faith that makes me feel at peace. I now appreciate that in some way, I am always protected. And I think that’s why disappointments or big changes don’t scare me as much anymore, because I know things always fall in the best place and time they’re supposed to. As cliche as it is, things always happen for a reason (as they have over the past year in my life). This rhetoric was always said to me but I could not resonate with it. It was only after experiencing and feeling this, that I (with the benefit of hindsight, of course) am able to truly embrace this.

On Love Being alone over the past 1.5 years has completely changed my perspective on the concept of love and companionship. First of all, I feel the need to say that I’m not lonely. I used to never understand why my friends would get upset for feeling “empty” - I guess this was selfish of me because I was happy in a relationship I was lucky to find at 16 years old. I do understand this now and feel empty sometimes, yes - but only because there are moments we inherently always want to share with others.  I guess I’m at a stage of my life right now where “love” or “filling the void” or “companionship” is just not a priority. I don’t let the feelings of emptiness overwhelm me, and I don’t proclaim myself to be lonely or in need of others. Because I don’t, and I don’t want to be.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want anyone at all - but I just truly believe that it will happen at the right time it’s supposed to; and it will find me in a way that I won’t expect. Might take days, months, or years. I’m oddly relishing in this period because I know now I am in a position to filter people and things I want or don’t want in my life, instead of settling. Call me picky, sure, but I guess my priority is my own happiness and sense of self more than anything else right now. 

-- 

Wow this has been a long post, but it still doesn’t sufficiently encapsulate the amount of growth and experiences I’ve had over the past 7 months. I was reading earlier posts, one of which talked about the best form of apology being “changed behaviour”. It’s funny because I know my state of mind at that point in time was really only in trying to prove to *someone* that I had changed - thus I felt the need to proclaim this (“look!!! my behaviour!!! it’s changed!!! it means i’m a changed person!!!”).  But these 7 months have shown me that change creeps up on you slowly. It’s when you realise that things which used to upset you... don’t anymore. It’s when you’re careful with your tongue - putting more thought into the things you say (and do).  It’s when you cultivate the emotional maturity to better understand others, be more thoughtful towards those around you, and be present for them. It’s when you’re more cognisant of the energy you put out in the world, and more selective of that which you receive.  Do I have any new life “mottos” or mantras to live by? No. I just hope to continue going (and growing) at my own pace day by day, whilst surrounding myself with positive energy and thoughts. I just hope to continue being as kind as I can be everyday, even if it may be taken the wrong way or be directed at those who are less than deserving of it.

I would say that I’ve now reached a pretty uncertain stage of my life. But in this (scary) depth of what-if’s and would-be’s, I am grateful for the light shown by others and through my faith (whether it’s making time to talk to me when I’m feeling less than ok, going out to do things together, or simply supporting my reflections when I’m feeling pensive). So even while head-deep in this uncertainty, I am - ironically - quite certain that good things will continue coming my way. I’m just going to trust the process.  S.

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/sports/no-one-better-than-novak-djokovic-at-his-best-andre-agassi/

No one better than Novak Djokovic at his best: Andre Agassi

When you are born in Las Vegas, it’s hard to resist a punt. And tennis great Andre Agassi is every bit a Las Vegan. As TOI Guest Sports Editor, he predicted that Novak Djokovic will surpass Roger Federer’s Slam tally of 20. In India to support an inclusive literacy product, Agassi opened up on a range of topics.

Excerpts…

What about education excites you and do tennis players miss out on it?

I don’t know any sport where you can be the best in the world and not give up a third of your life to not prepare for two thirds of your life. So as a result, this is by definition, a very difficult road to choose, but because I know what it’s like not to have an education I also know what it’s like not to have a choice because I was forced to play tennis. So when I take no education and no choice in some of the toughest, economically challenged places in the world, it’s really sobering what that means for their life. And this is how it feels when you’re pushing your mission that has been so personally inspiring even to my own success because it was because of this that I stayed in tennis when I could have quit. It gave me my second chance. It gave me many more titles, gave me my wife, my children, my platform.

READ ALSO: ‘Rebel’ Agassi now talks of order, but his returns are still as crisp as ever

What is it about Square Panda that made you come on board and what does it mean?

It’s been a long journey in education. It started with my foundational school in Las Vegas charter school in the poorest neighbourhood that led to me figuring out ways to scale my mission through the private sector throughout America, managing a billion dollar real estate infrastructure fund, building schools for best in class operators to wanting to find more global, scalable, sustainable solutions to helping children pursue their objectives and education. And this is where Square Panda comes in four years ago, which is a platform that allows for very personalized teaching of literacy and teaching of second language English which is also important in America. It’s also important in China as well as here in India. The earlier you can reach a child, the more you can impact them.

So what are the subjects that interest you?

I think that’s as close to the bone as you get to understand why I care about education. Because I don’t know. I just know I never had it, and I know what a crime that is for children not to learn what their passions are, to experience what they want for themselves. If I went to school if that was what I did, and I had a different childhood, I could explore what my life would be, but I don’t know that. Do I love history? Yes, if the person telling me about history is interesting. Math is nice too because you like it when you can solve a problem and there’s a real answer.

You played with some great champions. Coming to the current era, are we witnessing the beginning of the end of a very special generation in men’s tennis?

In any sport when you can quantify improvement every 10 years you see improvement. Is the sport better? Yeah, unquestionably it’s better. It’s different. You don’t see guys playing a lot like Edberg did, like Rafter used to play, like Pete played. I don’t regret how the game has changed because I understand too intimately what it means to create that kind of change. I think it’s a special generation. You have decades of history where only five guys win all four Grand Slams. And then three guys do it in three years. Murray will always be remembered for penetrating this generation of greatness and leaving his impression on it which is probably as remarkable an achievement as one can have. I think we’re far from seeing Novak being done and I’ve stopped betting that I know anything about Roger because I’ve been wrong 50 times.

Paul Annacone who coached Pete and Roger recently said one of the ingredients in the success of the greats today, other than the fact that they are gifted is that they don’t have to adjust to different styles or surfaces. Would it be fair to say that you completed the Career Slam at a time when there was a greater disparity among the surfaces? I can definitely say that the grass has changed dramatically. But also the game has changed. The reason why it was so difficult for me to win on grass wasn’t because it was so fast. I mean fast is OK, the first one to hit a good shot wins the point. Somebody has a good serve, it didn’t matter if it was slow or fast. Pete aced me in Paris, just as many times as he aced me in New York or in Wimbledon. The problem was guys played coming forward so much they tore up the court through the middle. And so by the end of the tournament, I’m playing in the back of the court and every time the ball bounces, it’s changing direction. The way they grow the grass today, it’s more predictable. It isn’t quite as fast. I can’t say that my achievement was harder. Certain elements would be harder for me now too if I’m playing on grass against guys that can move as good as they move. I mean grass is physical.

Fans gush at the accomplishments of Federer, Nadal and Djokovic. Three guys who are at the top of Slam records. Do you think people tend to overlook this factor or are we just talking about really special guys who would’ve been dominant in any era?

I had the privilege of playing all three of them. Novak was the worst of them because he was so young and it was an exhibition and he still beat me. Laver had two Grand slams (62 & 69) on two surfaces, grass and clay. Nobody had come close to winning four in the same year. Federer could have done that three times with one match against one guy that he couldn’t seem to be beat on clay. So you’re talking about historic achievements. I get it when my generation left, Roddick comes in as an American wins a Slam you know somebody comes in and wins a Slam but Federer looks like who’s this guy who was coming in at the right time and then he ends up having to compete against two of the greatest ever for the rest of his career and does it. So I feel like these guys just kept raising the bar of tennis.

So who do you think is the GOAT?

We tend to define it in this day and age as numbers, but I can make arguments why numbers don’t matter, you know. I mean Borg stopped at 26 after 11 Grand Slams, six French, five Wimbledons back to back for five years, almost won it the sixth year and he didn’t play 10 Australian Opens when it was on grass. He played once. So, who knows if he didn’t care about playing Australia. Lendl didn’t play three French Opens because he wanted to win one Wimbledon. Numbers came in the early 90s when Cable TV came. Everybody’s fighting for news and Pete Sampras is going to break Roy Emerson’s record.

How many people know who is Roy Emerson. So does that mean Roy Emerson was the greatest of all time before Pete?

Look at what these guys had to do. Fed beat me, Roddick, Hewitt, Moya … There were some guys that he beat to win the early Slams, but then he wins the other ones beating these other guys. Rafa comes in and has to beat Fed and Djokovic to win them. Djokovic comes in and has to beat both Fed and Rafa to win them. The highest standard of tennis I have ever seen is when Novak is playing his best tennis. It doesn’t mean that he has maximized it, but he is not done. I think Fed has made more of his career than anybody. He’s more versatile than anybody. Fed probably could have won Grand Slams serve and volleying only. Even when he was not allowed to come to the net, he could have still figured out a way to win. Nadal speaks for himself.

Are you happy to see Novak back to his best. Do you regret the fact that you had an association with him but it did not last long?

No, I’m not regretful. I am very happy. The reason why I tried to help him or hope that I could help him, is because tennis deserves this. What he was capable of was never in question. He has his own tortured process, as we all do, and I truly believed that I could have helped him and I also believed that I could not help him. We process differently and as a coach there is a lot for me to learn. It’s not what you know, it’s what someone you are with learns. But somebody has to be willing to learn and willing to see things differently. So, part of his greatness is his stubbornness. I felt like I learnt a lot and I felt like in some way I shook the cage enough that tennis could benefit.

When the alliance with Novak ended, you said that you agreed to disagree on most things…

If there is one thing that I will never change about anybody, it’s what his body can do. What his body can do is never the problem. You don’t go trying to fix the one thing that’s remarkable. He was never healthy two days in a row with his elbow and I live by one clear philosophy which is if you don’t listen to your body, your body is not going to listen to you. So we need to heal. But unlike me, when I played, he loves the game. He wants to play and he wants to run and he wants to find a way to get through the injury and playing injured is just not responsible. I can’t support that because I’d be hurting the very person I’m claiming I care about. You get one body and you get one career and taking chances with this wasn’t going to happen on my watch.

Do you see him surpassing Federer’s tally?

I mean I am from Vegas, so I have to make a bet, right? If I have to make a bet, what is he at? 15? Two more for three years? Yes. Now, you also have children, you also have priorities in life, so if he wants to, he will.

You are coaching Grigor Dimitrov now. He’s nicknamed Baby Fed for the similarity in playing styles with Federer. What’s the issue with him? Does he get overawed by big names or is it stage fright?

It’s a hard thing for anybody to be compared with Federer. There might have been a modelling of his game, but Fed plays with a lot of wrist, you know, Grigor hits through the strike zone a lot straighter. I believe that he has not seen his best tennis. He had some great results, but he’s yet to feel what it’s like to really build on a foundation that keeps taking him in the same direction and that has to do not just with tennis, but how you approach every day. He puts a lot of pressure on himself daily to be what he expects from himself.

Do you feel players are more politically correct today? Does tennis lack characters?

I think you guys scare the crap out of a lot of them. (laughs). Blame them, blame you, blame whoever you want, but I think being politically correct is not being politically correct. It’s a pretty scary proposition in this day and age of social media. When I played, what you said is what you said in its full context but now you are guilty till proven innocent.

On that note, the Colin Kaepernick issue snowballed into a massive controversy in the US and abroad. What did you make of it?

Yeah, I don’t know what his particular stance was. You called it a stance, or called it a kneel I don’t know. But in either case, if you want to offend half the people, you know choose one side or the other, but this is not something that I followed greatly. I mean I have a great respect for the American flag, so the connection I could never understand expressed in this way, but those that understand it would need to explain it to me.

How do you think it would be if you and Pete were playing today, for all that went on between you guys, even if all is fine today?

I don’t know if social media would have changed me and Pete, because we were always good with each other. But I think the scrutiny now is tough. I just know that you need to be incredibly thoughtful these days, more so than in the past. In the past you got to be thoughtful, now you better be thoughtful.

But are you surprised by how much warmth there is among the great rivals today?

Yeah, I mean, surprised enough to not know if I should believe it (laughs). I mean, you know, I have the luxury of getting to know Novak and he would never be disrespectful to somebody you know, willingly or knowingly. You know Roger, it’s impossible not to like this man. When you talk to him, his consideration to fans, to peers, to media. Same with Rafa, the time that they give, they are professionals all in their own way and I think there’s a great deal of respect. You know with me it was different. Everybody knows my story. I was confused, I hated what I did. Sometimes Pete inspired me, sometimes I envied him, sometimes he annoyed me, sometimes I resented it. But I was the one that was (makes up and down gesture). Then when you look back, you see Pete was just Pete. So, as a result, you got three great champions, four when you consider Pete, that didn’t seem to have my problems. So I do respect it, assuming it’s true, which you never know.

Coming to your Slam wins, which among the eight would you rate your most memorable?

The last of the four, so the French Open (1999). The first one I could have won, first one I should have won. The last one that I knew I would never have a chance to win again. So after I fell to 150 in the world, after I got a divorce, I was old enough to understand it. It was a microcosm of my life, that tournament. I was down two sets in the finals and, a lot like life.

When you retired, BBC described you as “perhaps the biggest worldwide star in the sport’s history.” What do you make of that tag?

I was never trying to win a popularity contest (laughs) but, you know, everybody comes to the game at this level bringing something. You don’t become, or you don’t win multiple Slams without doing something different than somebody else did it. My tennis game was the first thing that I brought different at a certain time and, certainly, my rebellion also did. I’m not sure the reason for it but I always felt very keenly connected to people. I was always honest with how I felt, so you knew if I was having a bad day, everybody knew it.

You just said that Federer is a guy who is impossible to dislike. Just a few months back, we did come across a negative view expressed about the Swiss by French player Julien Benneteau who spoke of how Federer gets special treatment at Slams…

You know it is hard. It’s hard to become Federer and then it’s hard for other guys when you are Federer, you know what I mean! Federer didn’t wake up overnight privileged. Federer was Benneteau at one point. So you eat what you kill. And then when you’re on the top of the food chain, the jungle tends to listen to you. So everybody fights for the best circumstances daily, you know, from scheduling to what court. I mean I would play third round, fourth round in the US Open, Australian Open. I’d play some guy that was thrilled to win three matches on court 19 and then he comes into the stadium and I already know I’m up a set and a break before he figures out that this court is different than that court.

The issue of on court coaching triggered the huge controversy involving Serena Williams against Osaka in the US Open final. What are your views now as a coach on on-court coaching?

I don’t believe the sport should have coaching. I think it’s one thing that separates our sport from so many. It’s one thing that brings out the real Gladiator part of it. I think, because coaching happens, the unfortunate part in Serena’s case was the crowd didn’t understand what had happened. If a coach gets caught coaching, it should be a warning to the coach. Second time it happens, the coach should be kicked out. Why a player should be penalized for a coach attempting to insert themselves?

Equal prize money for both men and women has been a debatable subject for long…

If you are paying someone based on the gender, there’s no place for that. But if you are making a business decision about who you are trying to incentivize to be the content or the product you are trying to deliver, then it’s your right as a business to decide whom you are going to value, what you are going to value, for all I know, more people watch Serena than Nadal but it’s not for me to say whether they will or they won’t. But if I ran a business, and somebody was going to come and watch Serena more than Nadal, I would pay Serena more than Nadal, because that’s my business and vice versa.

In your book, Open, you came clean about your drug offence. The revelations didn’t go down well with the ATP and the ITF. How has testing evolved today?

I understand the paranoia but let me be the first one to say I was the reason why this changed. It used to be internal governance that was legitimate as was mine when I was caught. We were able to leverage it on some level but once we outsourced governance, there’s no turning back. It wouldn’t be possible to cheat in tennis and get away with it. From 1998 on I probably averaged 20 plus drug test a year. Three out of competition where they knock on your door even on vacation. Every 24 hours they get to know where you are going to be in the forthcoming 24 hours. So everyday, they have an address and they don’t care whether you are in the Maldives or at home and so it’s not easy. But it’s the right thing for the integrity of the sport.