#but still never doubted wymack

[foxstens]

i feel like this is me being stupid but when jean tells wymack that kevin never once doubted wymack would take him in

what the fuck does that mean

[odetojupiter]

i see you saying that it’s heartbreaking that wymack set up the foxes to help people with trauma but couldn’t help his own son and i raise you: wymack saved kevin before kevin left the nest, without even knowing. kevin never would have left the nest if he didn’t have somewhere to go, and wymack - with the media attention he garnered with the foxes - became such a trustworthy figure in kevin’s mind that he didn’t doubt for a second that wymack would take him in and keep him as safe as he could. wymack did help kevin, before they had even met each other, by being such a strong beacon of hope that kevin was drawn to him despite the fact that he was raised and abused in a cult and probably found trusting anyone difficult, let alone someone he hadn’t met.

something else to consider: the foxes are still a newish team (if i remember correctly seth’s year is their first year, dan is their second, meaning neil is their fifth), and jean tells neil that kevin only found out wymack was his dad a few years ago when neil is in the nest. this means that kevin will have been aware of who wymack was - outside of wymack having played the sport prior to coaching - and would have seen the type of person he was before he knew they were related. he’d have witnessed from after wymack fighting tooth and nail to support his foxes despite all the mess, the tragedies, would have seen him staying firm in his belief in second chances BEFORE he found out wymack was his dad.

think - kevin saying to jean imagine having that. jean would say it’s a publicity stunt, it’s not real, those types of people don’t exist and kevin would agree and say they’re a shit team anyway, but something about wymack always rang true to him. maybe after that conversation he didn’t bring it up - other than to say i think my mother would’ve liked dan wilds when it’s announced she’s the new captain. but he still sees wymack’s actions in his periphery, and it’s enough to build up a picture of him as someone who is real. and then he finds out it’s his dad

imagine how that would have been for kevin - going from living in a cult, cut off from any family he may have had after kayleigh’s death to suddenly being told he has a dad, and that dad is the type of person who would have risked himself if he knew what was happening to kevin.

[orange-foxes]

BAMF Neil

🤜🤛 Deadly Affections by NikNak22 (12k)

Neil Josten is not soft- has never been in fact. But when an unintended comment from one of the Foxes throws Neil for a loop, he finds himself reminding them why no one should think of him in that way. But why is Andrew suddenly so distant? And what happens when all of these reminders of his past start to catch up with him? Aka: all the times Neil proved he was a badass, and Andrew reminds him he's an idiot.

🤜🤛 thorn in my skin by ephemeralsky (6k)

These days, both of them are able to sleep on the same bed without any weapons underneath their pillows and on their person, and Andrew is not sure what he wants to do with this knowledge. They have poured years into forging their armors, and now they are stripping them, piece by tattered piece. (or: the five weapons Neil has at his disposal + the one weapon he wields without knowing it)

🤜🤛 The Nameless Monster by kanekicure (108k)

Nathaniel Wesninski wants nothing more than to see his father dead and buried. But when his father promises him the title of The Butcher, Nathaniel quickly realizes that his destiny of following in his father's footsteps is closer than ever before. So of course, when he gets forced to go undercover for the Baltimore police, he starts seeing what living could truly be. - Andrew Minyard is a newly recruited police officer for the worst precinct in Baltimore, who is dedicated on hunting down the notorious Butcher and his unnamed underling. But when Neil Josten is thrown into his midst as his civilian consultant; he starts to realize some things don't quite appear as they seem.

🤜🤛 Walk a Little Lighter by jjmash (5k)

Five times Neil Josten took care of shit, and the one time he didn't have to. *** Wymack looks between Neil’s overly-innocent expression and the spot on the floor where Jack is curled into the fetal position. “Uh huh. You gonna tell me he did that to himself?” Neil crosses his arms. “It’s entirely possible.”

🤜🤛 the ash is in our clothes by Klanceyschmancy (12k)

A continuation of the Neil and Aaron fight, Aaron walks in on Andreil and things blow up. Aaron still doesn’t trust Neil, he probably never will, but he’s learning to trust Andrew. With the help of both katelyn and surprisingly, Neil, he learns to talk to Andrew and let him in. One step at a time. Aaron and Neil fight. Katelyn and Aaron talk. Andrew and Aaron talk. Aaron and Neil talk. Matt and Neil talk. A lot of talking goes on. In this fic. Hashing things out. And then Neil’s pov of being walked in on and how Andrew and Neil deal with it.

🤜🤛 pieces of me line the pavement (my blood soaks the cracks in the road) by CuteLittleMousie (8k, series)

Andrew had no doubt that if he’d killed Drake of his own accord, with his own weapons, watching the blood flow wouldn’t have been nearly as sweet. Sharing that was vulnerable. It was dangerous. But then again, so was Neil. --- or; andrew and neil meet while neil is still on the run. it changes nothing and it changes everything.

🤜🤛 Armies by nekojita (342k)

Upon Mary Hatford's death, Nathaniel Wesninski makes the call to his uncle Stuart rather than continuing on the run and ending up in Milport, Nevada. Upon graduating university, Andrew Minyard turns down all offers of a professional Exy career and muddles through a 'normal' life, until the boredom and inanity of it all wears him down and he accepts an offer of a break to spend some time with his cousin Nicky in Stuttgart, Germany. There he meets Abram Hatford, a handsome and broken young man who has more in common with Andrew than he suspects, and nothing's normal anymore.

🤜🤛 Neil Josten's Guide to Not Giving a Shit by Savagetoyolo (31k)

Neil Josten sighed as he looked at the black sky. His cigarette burned down to the filter as he took one drag out of it after letting it burn. He didn't want the nicotine, only the familier ache in his heart that came with the smell. The ghost of death and unfairness creeps up on him. Aka the one where Neil is a baddass but also kind of tired and just done with life and people. And Kevin's shit. The Moriyama's are dicks who Neil isn't afraid of and he killed his father before he went to Millport. I suck at summaries lol A lot of it is taken from canon, all unchanged content credit goes to Nora Sakavic

🤜🤛 it takes two (but you and i are one) by kairospy (14k)

Sometimes, not often — not enough for it to be concerning — he felt too much like him. Andrew noticed the very moment Nathaniel walked into the locker room. :*:*: Nathaniel Wesninski had been dormant for too long.

[kevinsdsy]

Do you think Jean might be the person Kevin cares about the most? Like. I know this freak is super smart but he learnt to speak French fluently in like 3 years. In secret! When he only cared about history and exy.

honestly, i genuinely think he does. but also when you take a look at the people kevin cares about i just think kevin cares about jean in such an unique and deep way that's different from the way he might care about others.

he gives dobson full permission to discuss the things that have come up during his sessions if it helps jean. kevin has seen jean at his worst at the ravens nest, but i think jean has seen a great deal of abuse towards kevin too. kevin's might not be as bad as jean, but he was still a pet to them.

they will always have that shared trauma and i think kevin will always carry the heavy burden of leaving the nest before jean did. i think if needed kevin will always go out of his way to be there for jean if jean will just ask for it (f.e: coach rhemann asks kevin to help jean with his first press conference ? media appearance ? and kevin is ready to jump on a plane and be there next to jean or jeremy calls him late at night and asks him if riko broke his hand and even though only a dozen people know and he does not want to talk about it, because the situation is 'resolved' he trusts jeremy with this truth).

a few other examples of people he cares about: andrew, neil, coach wymack. i think he will always care for andrew, not just for the potential he sees in him, but for the fact andrew was his partner outside the nest. i think it's andrew who has been there for him when he needed to adjust to a normal(ish) life routine. i think he cares for neil for his potential, but also for all neil has given him in return, even though they all had to face hell for it. i think he cares for coach wymack because that's his father, but even when david wymack had no idea kevin knew he was a person he could run to and never even doubted it.

in general i think kevin day cares so deeply for the people around him and although he's not a soft person, his actions and feelings are.

[captain-sunshine-11]

What if Kevin was taken in by Wymack when Kayleigh Died?

I know this AU of sorts would be build upon a lot of false hope and a lot of fucking up on the Moriyama's part if their money and lawyers couldn't keep Kevin--especially with the Perfect Court bullshit--but this is for fun and I can do whatever I want forever /lh

This was my original post on this concept and has the context but the basic premise is at the top. Anyway! This is gonna be some random building off of what I already said/how I think this would go, so, onwards!

I can't find the age of Kevin when Kayleigh died, so forgive me if this is incorrect so for sake of ease I'll place Kevin at age 8 until further notice

At this point of Kevin's life he has already been taught that Exy is the only important thing, it is second to Nothing. He is going to be Court--a part of the Perfect Court--of course it was put into gentler words for a child to grasp and understand "oh, this is going to be the rest of my life."

When he returns to Palmetto with Wymack, he is still relatively full of grief for his mom and is overwhelmed with living with this man--who he has only met a select few times during Exy Events with his mom--so Kevin has a rough time adjusting

Wymack tries to give Kevin as much space as he can give a young child but they do end up clashing a couple times. Kevin's messed up emotional state and Wymack trying to also grieve Kayleigh leads to a couple tantrums (from both of them lol) because they have problems understanding each other

They are both incredibly stubborn so a month in, they have a small fight you can only have between a grown adult and an 8 year old that leads to them both giving each other the silent treatment. By 'both' I mean Kevin, and Wymack trying to initiate but failing miserably

It isn't until Wymack makes a dinner that Kevin doesn't like that he has another conniption and yells something like "I hate you, I hate you!! / I wish I never met you!!" and runs off that Wymack decides that something has got to give.

He lets Kevin sulk for a couple minutes in his room before going after him. He talks, and Kevin listens. He cannot even remember the fight that led to this, it was so childish, but Wymack has to retain that Kevin is a child. (This is his first time having a kid, man is struggling)

Wymack is able to instate a truce and Kevin admits that, "I just really miss her."

Wymack scoops the kid into a hug and all the tension from his body disappears as he also says, "I miss her too, Kevin."

From then on, things are easier. They still have small problems but are able to work things out better than before as they learn how to exist around each other

Wymack for a long time is afraid of messing things up beyond repair, and tries to go to Bee as often as he sees fit to ask for advice. Feelings of inadequacy in his medium sized apartment and raising a kid that is not his. The conversation he had with Kayleigh on if she was having his kid and her saying no replays in his head as he doubts himself over and over again.

But Abby comes over about a year into having Kevin with him, she seems to be in awe about something.

She has seen Kevin before, plenty of times actually when Kevin first arrived and meals needed to be made by a more responsible adult (ha.), so Wymack has no idea why Abby seems so awestruck while looking at Kevin--so he tells her to spit it out. And he isn't prepared for:

"He has your nose."

Kid's faces change all the time, and as Kevin gets older even if it is a year later, he gets a bit lankier and the soon-to-be nine year old becomes more comfortable

It breaks Wymack for a little bit, having that old hope rise up again in his chest--but he decides against a paternity test. He cannot have that hope crushed again if it comes out negative.

On Kevin, he goes to a normal elementary school. He had been homeschooled previously given how often Kayleigh and the Ravens had to be moved around. In the paraphrased words of Nora, she had a sport to spread around, and she was pretty damn successful

Like everything else had been, Kevin took an adjustment period to normal public school. There is so many kids and more stimuli than he is used to seeing in a school environment.

On his first day after school he tells Wymack that he doesn't want to go back. He wouldn't give a reason at first but after some needling from a Very Concerned Wymack thinking that his kid was being bullied--Kevin just says that it is too much. Everything there was too much.

So Wymack comes up with an ultimatum, created only because he knew how smart Kevin was with retaining information from subjects he enjoyed, saying that he had to attend the rest of the week of school. And if he didn't like it, then they could look back into homeschooling.

Kevin agreed if only to prove Wymack wrong, but he couldn't. He picked up a fondness for History and when he started re-saying his teacher's lesson on the Early Origins of South Carolina (simplified for a Fourth Grader) Wymack figured correctly that there was no prying him away from school anymore.

On Exy--it is a no brainer that Kevin wants to join the Exy team and he gets in with flying colors. But this also means he begs to go to practice after homework is done and on weekends. Wymack hates his life a little when Kevin wakes him up at 9:30 AM on a Saturday for the sake of Exy

Thats all for now, let me know if ya'll want more

[otdiaftg]

Maybe it is Andrew's conviction that sways Matt. Andrew has never given half a damn about this game before and only honestly tries in scattered bursts. That he cares enough to argue now is unexpected and unprecedented. There are still doubts and arguments in Matt's troubled expression, but Matt turns away without another word. As he heads for the door Neil finally see's the limp in his step. Matt no longer needs to put up an invincible front, so he stops trying to hide how much he is hurting. Matt stops in the doorway to argue with Wymack and Abby. Maybe invoking Andrew's name does the trick, or maybe Wymack is desperate enough to try anything at this point. Either way Dan steps onto the court a couple seconds later. Allison starts toward her, assuming she is being traded. Dan calls for her to hold her place and takes up a striker's starting spot for a foul goal. "You're crazy," Neil says to Andrew in an undertone. "This is news to no one," Andrew says. Neil shakes his head and shifts to his new spot at Riko's side. Riko looks from him to Dan to Andrew and back again. It takes him only a second to put it all together, and Riko's smile is cold.

Day: Friday, April 26th / 27th* Time: 9:35 PM EST

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[ninyard]

Hiii ! Hope ur doing good :) and I wanted to ask if you talk and give me ur thoughts about riko threatening kevin and making him goes back to evermore instead of Neil on the Christmas break or maybe they both get stuck there, I just feel like you would articulate so well, I couldn’t imagine the reactions, especially wymack’s and andrew’s.

i think i agree with the sentiment that Andrew would've killed Neil if he let that happen - especially if Kevin went instead of Neil. also there's the idea that Riko wouldn't have let Kevin leave again, or that he would've finished what he started and Kevin would've left the nest truly never able to play again. i think that's true, because there's no way anyone would believe that he would transfer back to the ravens if it was under the guise that he would transfer back.

but i do wonder how Tetsuji, or any of the Moriyama's, would've reacted if it had've happened. a part of me feels like they wouldn't have let it happen in the first place, and if they found out Riko had brought Kevin back to the nest, there's the likelihood that they'd make him leave before something happens, because something happening to Kevin now is just too hard to cover up. Kevin is a fox now, the ravens let him go, and if suddenly another "accident" happens to Kevin that finally leaves him unable to play? it's suspicious, it brings up too many questions, and i don't think regardless of if Kevin had've went or not that the Moriyama's would've let it happen anyway.

at the end of the day, Kevin is too big of a face, too well known. there's no ending in Riko's story that leaves him alive. if Kevin goes to the nest, and something happens to him that leaves him unable to play, i think the Moriyama's would have Riko killed. it's what Neil says to Ichirou - he's unravelling, he's becoming a liability, he's getting sloppy. if Riko hurt Kevin in this situation, that truth just becomes clearer to them sooner, and they have to fix that problem. i think they would have Kevin and Riko both killed in a staged car accident or something, or Riko ends up dead, and Kevin is left catastrophically injured, his injury reasonably explained by the accident. but Kevin being left alive is again a loose end they might not be able to afford. i don't know. who's going to doubt that two childhood friends decided to catch up over christmas break and it ended their lives in a tragic and terrible accident?

even if it somehow happened post-championship final, if Andrew didn't hurt Riko, if he didn't try to kill Neil on the court, and his anger afterwards leads him to forcing Kevin to come to the nest: I still think it ends the same. even if Riko thinks he wants to play with Kevin again, he can't. his ego can't handle playing side-by-side with Kevin.

best scenario i could come up with where it could happen is that neil realises VERY quickly that kevin has left, gone to the nest, and follows him. but i still don't know if/how Riko would ever be able to let Kevin leave again.

that being said i would LOVE to see Kevin's reaction to his room and his belongings being left completely untouched. if, somehow, it happened in the way that Neil, and Kevin ended up in the nest, and SOMEHOW, they end up being able to leave? i don't know how anyone would be able to react.

Wymack would be devastated to pick them up at the airport, or to answer the door to his apartment to see Kevin and Neil standing there, destroyed and broken. maybe he'd have to get himself involved somehow, he wouldn't be able to stop himself calling Tetsuji and threatening him because he's so angry. i don't think Kevin would ever be the same again afterwards, either. any recovery he's made, any steps he's made towards putting the nest behind him, i think he'd be back to square one if not even further behind. Andrew would find out, because he just would, and he would truly never forgive Neil for it, even if he somehow decided not to kill him. it would destroy any little bit of relationship they might've had, and I don't think Andrew would ever, ever, give him a second chance afterwards. even if the Moriyama's step in and don't let anything happen to Kevin, i still think if Andrew found out that he went in the first place, he'd react the same.

but i really love it as an idea for an au. Neil finding out that Kevin's in the nest? Kevin not coming back, or Kevin coming back broken? nobody knowing where Kevin is, and then suddenly he's dead, or paralysed, or an amputee, or something? Neil following him to the nest, and trying to protect him, trying to save him. would it work? would he get there in time, would he be able to stop Riko the moment he finds himself alone in a room with Kevin? Andrew killing Neil, or making him leave afterwards? lots of potential for angst and hurt and violence and torture and i would love to read it, i just don't think it's realistic, or something that Riko would get away with at all.

[deprivedofbraincellsandsleep]

quotes from the bonus content that destroyed me! + other fav quotes

Warning: Spoilers below the cut also extremely long post (5 pages of my notes app btw) that will most likely be followed with an equally long reblog of me screaming about each quote:)))

"I don't trust her" [...] "She's Andrew��s"

"What could you be holding on to still that would drive you this far away from her?" "No. Don't ask me that."

"Maybe she was right or maybe she didn't have enough nightmares to understand."

"David rubbed a thumb along his knuckles, looking for blood he washed off years ago"

"Did you think you were my only lover? He isn't yours, David"

"Should have, could have, what-if"

"Coaches have no honor" (this one made me want to rip my hair out)

"Your word is enough. Just yours."

"One more for the road, then" (seems insignificant but it just reminded me of Nora's name on tumblr)

Neil "Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing" Josten David "Defeat's a heavier mantle than hope" Wymack

"You might not have noticed, but he and I look alot alike! They'll look at him and see me, and we both know how little they think of me."

"Have to stack the deck in his favor somehow"

"Oh, Bee," [...] "You assume they were stupid enough to get caught."

"They cannot keep him. I will not let them."

"I know what happened to you today was beyond cruel, and that Drake's death will not undo what he did to you." [...] "I know our system has failed you every step along the way and that a part of you will carry that distrust and betrayal for many years to come, if not for the rest of your life. And I know you have done astoundingly well despite life's every attempt to crush you. I'm sorry, and I'm so, so proud of you."

"Everyone knows now, Bee" "They will not judge you for it"

"Who fears the monster that knows the taste of a whip?"

"Maybe it's past time to put the monster away."

"Andrew had loaded the gun himself; he couldn't be surprised when Aaron took aim and pulled the trigger."

"They were twins; there was too much of them in each other despite all the years they'd spend apart."

"Matching set." (...I'm ugly crying at this one)

"Someone like you wouldn't understand the importance of hiding scars"

"Andrew was trying to pull him off track, and Aaron knew beyond a doubt he'd never find his way back if he followed it to whatever ugly truth Andrew was hiding."

"He forced Andrew's words aside to haunt him later"

"I wanted nothing to do with him, but he tried, and he tried and he tried anyway. He took care of us." [...] "He refused to give up on us no matter how hard we tried to push him away."

"I don't care if you're gay, and I don't care that you picked the literal most irritating person on the planet to fall for. I care that you're being a hypocrite."

"If someone talked about Katelyn that way, I'd have punched him out years ago. I'm not going to tolerate his lewd jokes just because he's my cousin."

"Finding out how important he was to Andrew was an ongoing, eye-opening experience"

"Aaron still didn't particularly like her or trust her, but he didn't have to. She truly mattered to Andrew when so few people did anymore."

"I love Katelyn. I love her more than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life for her, but I am trying so goddamned hard to wait until graduation because you asked me to."

"'Tell me about Katelyn,' Dobson invited him. Andrew made a dismissive noise, but Aaron would take any chance he could to talk about her."

""I'm trying, okay? I'm trying. Years too late, I know, but you refused me first. I begged you to come home with me. You can't blame me for not trusting you." "I am capable of multi-tasking," Andrew said. Aaron heard what he didn't say: I blame us both."

"We've spent years making each other miserable. Can't we finally make peace?"

"I don't want to lose what we're doing here. I don't want to lose you. But I won't lose her, either. There has to be a middle ground somewhere."

"I don't trust her." (AJAHAKHAKA THE TWINYARD FEELS THE KATEAARON FEELS THE 'I DONT TRUST HER' SAGA COMTINUES. I was so convinced there would be a 'I don't trust her in the TRK story aswell but there wasnt :( )

"She's followed your rules for a year then, loving Aaron from a distance because she understands how important you two are to each other. That has to mean something, Andrew. You know it does."

"He deserves the right to try." "You both do."

"You promised me once you would never lie to me," Dobson said with a gentle smile. "A wound can't heal so long as the knife is buried in it. It's time to pull it, Andrew. You can't be brothers while you are each other's jailors."

""Peace?" he asked. "We're Foxes," Andrew said. "There's no such thing." "Ceasefire, then," Aaron tried. "Give her to me, Andrew." "You will regret it." "Says the man dating a mafioso." "I'm not dating him," Andrew said, with a hint of impatience. Aaron saw right through him, and it was enough to makehim smile as he turned his gaze out the window. "Liar.""

This entire excerpt.

(pic from @tscsunlover)

Other fav quotes:

"Nicky wasn't the only one so easily swayed, but if Nicky and Kevin were both too blind to figure that out David wasn't going to put it together for them."

"One week Neil had been the subject of some very grandiose conspiracy theories, and the next Andrew had only said 'He's Kevin's problem now, the end!' and refused to elaborate."

"'Bane of my existence,' Andrew said, and did not elaborate." (Andrew minyard and the art of not elaborating)

""Bee likes musicals," Andrew announced brightly, though David had found that out the hard way. Andrew didn't bother to explain how he knew, and Betsy only smiled when David flicked a shrewd look at her."

"Trusting he would keep a discreet eye on her most precious charge..."

"One of these days Aaron would love to know what about that mouthy liar had people bending over backwards for him, but the jagged heat that used to accompany such thoughts was long gone."

"He tried to punch me out" "You bring out that urge in people." (I have thoughts about this one)

"I liked him more when he wasn't speaking to me, Bee" "I doubt that"

"'I told her you were never going to develop a personality of your own,' Andrew told Aaron. 'She held out hope for youregardless. She has a thing for lost causes.'"

[dayurno]

How does the breaking of Kevin's hand affect Transmigrator Riko's relantionship to Jean? You said Jean didn't believe he was changing, but what about the next months when Jean becomes his partner? Does Transmigrator Riko go to an awful grief period like SY does?

VERY GOOD QUESTION riko and jean never become friends even after transmigrator riko takes over and directly starts working on making kevjean’s lives more bearable—riko is switched around the time jean is 15, which means a lot of the bad memories jean associates with riko haven’t and will not happen, but what he does have is enough to know there is no world where riko just Turns Nice. at first jean thinks he is playing the long game and worries about what this could mean for kevin, who falls for it, and then as he grows older he learns to just avoid riko at all costs even if it means being subjected to the other ravens’ terrible personalities and constant bullying. t!riko still tries to intervene and help from far away, but the perfect court is much more fractured in this universe because riko doesn’t have as much centralized power as he once did, so he and jean only have kevin in common and that is about as far as their interactions go, too

this isn’t 100% set in stone yet but let me answer it in two parts. yes, riko does go through a grieving phase, and it wavers his position in the ravens for a bit. he is their infallible king, and kevin is the traitor who jumped ship, so why is riko so clearly miserable? it instills some seeds of doubt in him and his perfect court t!riko can’t afford at this point in the story, so he reverts a bit back into the original riko’s personality to hold down the fort. he’s still pretty miserable in private, because he’s grown to love kevin and because he feels guilty, and of course all of this does effect his performance, which in turn puts him in tetsuji’s line of sight again. all in all he’s not doing well at all, but he believes that it’s his penance for what he’s done, and things will not look up for him at all until neil josten shows up in palmetto and kickstarts the plot

now the other part: jean never becomes riko’s partner because transmigrator riko tells him to take kevin and leave when he breaks kevin’s hand. part of it is because he’s genuinely grown fond of kevin and needs someone to look out for him, but the other part is that riko can’t trust jean and especially not a jean that has never been broken into not hating him. it’s as much a decision for kevin’s sake as it’s for his own safety—the day riko breaks kevin’s hand is bloody in more ways than the original because jean is there and he’s not scared to brawl with a man he’s no longer scared of, and because he’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop and for riko to go back to the monster he was before he turned nice. kevin himself doesn’t want to leave at all: keep in mind he spent the last 3 years being actually, genuinely close to riko. he feels betrayed, yes, but he knows riko at this point; the decision to break his hand makes no sense and kevin wants answers. unfortunately he will not get them until much later, because he passes out and wakes up in david wymack’s guest room with jean, already far away from any answers he could get

[codename-adler]

part of me hopes Baby Girl, Good Luck is about any aftg girl... part of me hopes babygirl is kevin.

ofc bbgirl is ALWAYS Kevin!!! but if i say it comes from Ethel Cain's "Sun Bleached Flies"..…………....? yeah it's Renee.

Adler's WiPs ~ Project: Baby Girl, Good Luck

this project is my babygirl fr. i once attempted to do NaNoWriMo with this fic, and failed, like i've failed every NNWM i ever signed up for! yay me!

but i have many notebook pages written, which counts for something in this world of vague WIPs and AUs. i have so many hopes for this fic. i want to elevate Renison and boost the numbers on ao3. it's like my sapphic magnum opus.

let's recap:

this is a Renison fic with the dynamic of friend-to-protector/FWB-to-lover for Allison and friend-to-savior/FWB-to-lover for Renee. yeahhh we're switching it up babey!

it is very much Renison-centric; i don't plan on involving much of the Foxes, at least not any more than necessary. Andrew and Jean for sure, Bee also, and Wymack, but all very much in the background.

it is canon-divergent; in the sense that it tries to be as in character as possible + as close to canon as possible, but; the fic takes place post-canon/post-TKM.

it should be my first NSFW work. it depends on how it progresses with the Kevaaron fic, but i doubt it will speed by BGGL, and if there will be NSFW at all. the debate is still on about that. BGGL is very much NSFW; in fact it is kind of the whole premise. think the "terminal curiosity" sakuatsu series by @favspacetwink & @/moonlumie on ao3 (iykyk)(but a little less rough/BDSM-ish).

topics to expect: self-harming coping mechanisms - diving into Renee's past and her past sexual abuse - looking at Renee's bio family - sex as coping strategy - ED - religious guilt - exploration of sexuality - ANGST - hurt/no comfort & hurt/comfort - HEA!!!

the premise:

Allison catches Renee in the midst of a sexual encounter, and although it seems consensual, Allison knows better than to believe her eyes and Renee's lies. Digging deeper, Allison uncovers the lengths to which Renee has gone to scratch an itch, one that has been under her skin since she was barely a teen. Allison cannot bear to see her friend be hurt by strangers nor by herself, so she makes her a deal: When it itches, come to me. We'll deal with it together. What starts as an innocent promise to take Renee's mind off of her urges with different hobbies, soon evolves into a full blown friends-with-benefits situation, where Allison leads Renee through the waves, teaches her one thing or ten, explores another dozen with her, and finally restores the notions of respect, health, faith, and love in Renee. But that's just what friends do for one another, right? And Allison would never break a promise, not for anything in the world. Right?

an excerpt:

a look at my disjointed terrible no good squiggly handwritten notes:

thank you so much @totallyfoxes for letting me gush about my babygirls, and sorry for the lack of Kevin :/ maybe try "The Language of Boys" or "Start of Time" ? 👀👉👈

[rikomoriyama01]

I want your theories - when did Kevin and Riko get together? Had they fooled around in the nest? Or was it only after? Bc I think Ravens are banned from romantic/sexual relationships bc it takes up too much time and takes their mind off the game. Or maybe they're encouraged to build team cohesion (although I doubt it).

Maybe there was some shower time mutual stuff? Or maybe things happened in that shared dorm? But when would it turn from just sex to actual feelings?

On an unrelated note - I love that drawing of Riko & Wymack ❤️❤️

Tl;dr: Yes

Bonus headcanon with Riko, Kevin and Dadmac

After Riko gets closer to foxes he forms relationships and bonds with many people, both on and off team. Kevin struggles. He has no idea how to navigate any of this and solicit some alone time with Riko.

Wymack is an amazing wing dad and often takes them for small silly trips to the zoo or to have dinner with Abby (it's also part of Riko’s therapy since the boy needs to get used to more normal living environments as he was never part of it. They used to domesticate Kevin that way too) 

This way Kevin gets some no pressure exclusive Riko time where they can just talk and be together without anyone else interfering

I take inspiration from Nora's extra materials mostly!

She mentioned there that Kevin and Riko would never get together in canon because it could fuck up their future careers, but then again she also wrote there that

So you know, I will only pick things I like!!! 

She also wrote that they have very unhealthy dependant relationship and that Kevin used to love Riko (Not phrasing it 100%, but I love myself enough to not open extra content file more often than once a month if I can help it)

Riko and Kevin grew up together. They went through hell together. The portrayal of their relationship in the canon/extra content is very fluid because they seemingly go through phases that go from one extreme to another. They can be close friends, trusted brothers or on the flip of switch, Riko becomes Kevins worst nightmare/abuser.

I think in one way or another, they were always together. They survived too much pain not to occidentally grow into each other as their wounds healed.

I see Riko as a person who is bad because he was never given a choice, was it a horrible environment or lack of therapy or medication, and I see Kevin as someone aware of it but in the end enjoying the distance the 1 year long break gave him. Yet he is still looking back because he understands that Riko is the way he is because of the people around him. They are not healthy for each other or together but at this point letting go or amputating the other is impossible. 

In all of my au's, no matter the ships, I always see them together. They aren't always romantically involved, but they share a platonic connection? Call them soulmates if you like. They are very pretentious and often refuse to define their love for each other in simple terms.

In the nest they were the only other kids their age, thrown in a world of adults and impossible training.

They were teammates in a pair system, always together. They shared quick, painful sex that was not allowed comfort of preparation and tender aftercare, but they loved it and craved it when allowed to have it. Their love language was tending to each other's wounds - often wounds Riko caused Kevin as disciplinary action - often on Tetsuji’s demand because Tetsuji saw them close and Tetsuji needed them apart to keep them easy to control.

Kevin was aware a lot of it was master’s doing. He was afraid of Riko because he knew Riko was too cowardly to go against master's words.

But now Riko is not in the nest anymore. Riko is going to therapy. Riko is allowed to be a person for the first time in his life.

And Kevin is afraid that when Riko is done picking broken pieces to build himself there won't be a spot for him.

Kevin is trying to retrigger him and halt this growth, scared of Riko moving past him the way Andrew and Neil moved past him, because Kevin stubbornly clings to his pain.

Kevin's inability to heal is Riko’s motivation to recover and get better - he needs to make sure they can do things right this time around.

-----

Kevin and Riko bonded over all the small things like escaping from the training hall into rain and getting sick after laying on wet grass just to then spend the whole next day cuddling because they were too ill to train.

The days they spend locked in the training hall when there is nobody to oversee them playing pretend to pass the time. For a child who never held anything else than an exy stick and ball, Riko had imagination. He was a king of the kingdom and Kevin loved to play his little games

And big things

Like exy 

Nora said in the extra content that Riko was happy in his life because he truly knew nothing else. He was unaware how bad the life they had truly was (Kevin at least got few short years with his mom)

I think Riko struggles to see value in his life now that he knows how much of it was wasted, but he would never see time he got to spend with Kevin as wasted time so it's not all bad Also this is my fave trope:

[aledethanlast]

Wymack totally gets that some of his kids are already versed in certain subjects, so each boot camp has a benchmark test. If you can pass, then you can skip this one.

Everyone fails the laundry test except Nicky. Incredulous looks from the twins are met with rolled-up magazine violence because he's been washing their exy gear AND club outfits for four years at this stage. How dare you doubt me.

Wymack considered giving Kevin exemption to nutrition but ultimately decided banning him altogether would yield a more conductive learning environment.

Cooking is the smallest class. Nicky taught the twins well enough, and Renee learned from Stephanie during their acclimation period. This leaves the rich kids who never had to cook—Kevin, Allison, Matt—plus Neil, who can, technically, cook, but they found out during nutrition that his concept of what counts as "edible" us exactly that: technical.

Matt passes car maintenance without missing a beat but still hangs around to help. Andrew, one of the select few across history who actually read the car manual, starts reciting the whole thing back to Wymack before he's once again released. Neil fails the test because he doesnt actually know what any of the parts are called and is very salty about it.

The girls think they got cleaning in the bag until Wymack asks to see their dorm bathroom. Nicky declares that he will quit the team if the twins don't attend the class. Kevin thinks Evermore's standards have him set until they get to the kitchen. Neil, trained on squatting and DIY dye jobs, does great but still fails the test when asked about frequency, since he basically never had to clean any living space more than once in his life.

Perhaps somewhat predictably, most of the foxes are versed in first aid. Nicky took a course in high school (and hated every second). Kevin was made to take an expanded first aid course in his teens focused on game injuries and training recovery. Allison, Matt, Renee, Dan and Andrew all had patchworks. Aaron passes with flying colors. Neil passes with a single flying color. It's red. Abby get the peroxide.

Objections to the boot camp are met with the reminder that, being exempt from four out of the six boot camps, Nicky is officially the most mature Fox. Nobody has a rebuttal.

Thinking about Coach Wymack's 'How to be a functioning Adult in society' bootcamp for the Foxes again.

Classes including:

Basic laundry

Basic nutrition

Basic cooking

Basic Car Maintenance

Basic Cleaning

Basic First Aid

Neil and Kevin are the ones who are required to take the most classes.

[liveyourlastbreath]

Neil Josten’s adventures in Exy as an (unwilling) Amputee (PT4)

Welcome to book two things are only getting worse from here. Also sorry about this taking so long, I'm not gonna pull an a03 level excuse, this series is just hard to write as I have to write it as I read the book and ya girl has bad adhd

Sunday morning, Neil wakes up to pain shooting up his missing leg. A strange sensation of throbbing and burning racing around in bones that had long since rotten down to dust

Seth’s death is a blissful distraction, something Neil clings onto to push the pain down

Wymack tries to get the team together that afternoon, which ends in a flat out brawl between Matt and Andrew

Neil knows better than to stand against Andrew, but when the blonde's knives are out and aimed at Matt's eyes he steps in, hands out to the both of them but not touching

"Neil, Neil, Neil," Andrew grind. "Surely you're not this dumb?" It hurt to stand but the idea of loosing Matt at the start of the season was enough to keep him steady.

"Andrew." He wasn't ordering him around, threatening him, Neil was simply asking him to stop. And Andrew listened.

By Wednesday the pains had subsided and he was able to deal with the upperclassmens confused glances with a clear mind

"Last I checked Andrew doesn't like you.""He doesnt." And Nicky butts in, "we needed someone to match Kevin don't worry about it" and then gets told off by coach

Pratice starts happening and then when Wymack gets the phone call the conversation is as follows: "Andrew Joseph Minyard, what the flying fuck have you done this time?" "It wasn't me it was the one legged striker!"

Blatent Harrasment, actually just bullying

Life goes on as normal, honestly the beginning of the Raven King is a bunch of exposition we already know

Allison shows up for the game Friday, the line gets switched up, and Neil highly doubts it’s gonna end well. Especially with Andrew going a full game without his meds.

Also in case you’re wondering, Neil brings both legs to his games. He always has his black slip on so changing the bottom half of his gear out is pretty easy. If he ever has to change the slip, he’ll do that in the stall. He doesn’t ever play on his day leg, the blade runner is a lot more comfortable and is better to run with on the court.

When Neil asks Kevin for advice against the Terrapins, Kevin’s response is. “I want you dead on your foot by the time the buzzer rings.” Just little changes like that happen a lot because everyone in this story is in fact a dickwipe

Herrera, Neil’s mark for that game, keeps making comments about him and his leg. At one point Herrera “accidently” slams his racket into Neil’s leg and it sends vibrations all the way up his stump. Then Neil is given permission to destroy him and does just that.

Ya know that cool move he does and nearly gets killed in the process? Yeah imagine that, but he slips his blade runner in there at just the right angle to send Herrera flying into the wall. He doesn’t get carded. Instead lights the goal up red and a triumphant smile breaks across his face.

At half time Kevin is chewing Neil out, ya know, “Injuries are not joke-“ “Oh my god really? *looks down at his leg* woah crazy, would have never guessed that one.”

Once again the story goes on, Neil feels joy for the first time, gets a phone again and flashes back to the beach party gone horribly wrong, same as the cannon series

Also can we just stop and talk about the phone scene in the locker rooms? It has to be one of my favorites, not gonna lie. It's just so them ya know? Like just the dialogue, the subtle "do we need to" before diving into their game again. AGH I love it soso much

"your parents are dead, you are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay. This is not news to you. But from now until May you are still Neil Josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive."

The USC game happens, and THEN DUN DUN DUNNN the Fall Banquet is here!!what!!a!!fun!!time!!

It's at moments like these Neil is thankful for his missing leg. Riko last saw him with two functioning appendages, and on top of the hair dye, contacts, and time apart, he could almost find hope in the fact Riko wouldn't recognize him

As the teams are sat across from each other, get talking, and this conversation happens:

Andrew: I'm Andrew. We haven't met yet."

Jean: For that I am grateful. The Foxes as a whole are an embarrassment to Class I Exy, but your existence is unforgivable. A goalkeeper who doesn't care if he is scored on has no right to touch a racquet. You and Josten both should stay on the sidelines like the publicity stunts you are."

Renee: That's a bit out of line, don't you think?

Raven 1: If someone like that replaced you in goal, you must be downright terrible. I can't wait to watch one of your matches. I think it will be entertaining. We would make a drinking game of it but we don't want to die of alcohol posioning.

Dan: Yeah, that'd be a shame

Renee: This is the first time our teams have met, do we have to start off so poorly?

Raven 1: Why not? You're poor at everything else you do. Even down to picking players like the cripple over there. Is it honestly fun to be so terrible?

Renee: I imagine we have more fun than you do, yes."

Jean: Fun is for children-(has a moment of crisis upon looking at renee) A this level it is supposed to be about skill, and your team is sadly lacking. From an unstable goalkeeper to a lame striker with a bum leg to a couple members with deadly drug addictions. You have no right to play with us.

Allison: Fucking excuse me?

Matt: No one wants you here, you can leave any time.

Raven 2: You took something that does not belong to you. You brought this year's humiliation on yourselves.

Dan: We didn't take anything, Kevin wants to be here.

AND THEN, Riko: Is that why the cripple is so quiet? Or did his vocal chords go missing too? He was very spirited the last time we met, or maybe that was just a show for the crowd? Hello, I am speaking to you. Are you really going to ignore me? Hey, deadweight, over here.

THE HOLY MOTHER WYMACK OF ALL LINES Riko: What a coward, just like his mother.

INDEED THE GREATEST LINE IN ALL OF WRITTEN HISTORY (WITH A BIT MORE SASS ADDED)

You know, I get it. Being raised as a superstar must be really really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, nor a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court—yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time. I know it's not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you're physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal human being can, but I don't think any of us should have to put up with this much of your bullshit. Seriously, is 'cripple' the only insult you know? Maybe next time be a bit more creative, it really shows what little vocabulary you have. Try looking it up in a dictionary maybe, hm? Find it right between the words 'jackass' and 'dickwipe'. But don't feel bad, there are a lot of people who didn't pass the bar exam and they still get somewhere in like, all be it through charity alone. Pity only gets you so many concessions, and you used yours up about six insults ago. So please, please, just shut the fuck up and leave us alone.

aND THHEN our little tin foil ball of a sass master is outed as the Butcher's Son to Kevin, Kevin's face doing all kinds of complex emotions as he examines Neil

Also I love the little things like Neil staring only at Andrew because he doesn't trust himself to look at anyone else

Neil's freaking out, ready to grab his blade runner and book it. But he doesn't really regret most of what he's said, because here's the thing

Every single person up until this point has gone out of their way to call him a 'cripple', to write him off as someone who can't do anything anymore just because he's lost his leg

Nobody, except for the Foxes, believes he's anything more than an amputee. Up until this point he has been torn to shreds because of something he had absolutely no control over. Yeah, okay, it was stupid to put himself in the limelight as someone on the run, but it had nothing to do with being an amputee.

Neil Josten may be an idiot, but going off on Riko was completely justified, something many of the foxes later agree on. And if the Foxes start snapping at anyone, reporter or another team, who singles Neil out for his leg, that's something they just don't talk about

Neil Josten is so much more than a lost leg. Anyone really is more than a lost limb or physical limitations. That's the whole point of this AU and the message I really want to get across.

To the people reading this who may be in the same situation as Neil, you are so, so much more than your physical limitation. This AU is for you, someone who may have been bullied or targeted just because you're "not like everyone else". I see you, and I believe in you.

SORRY AHEM—I just wanted to ramble there for a second because I felt like that was something that needed to be said

So YEAH, Neil doesn't regret what he said, and goes forth after dinner is done, the Foxes have a team bonding moment over protecting the two exy-holics and their blonde bodyguard

Neil gets dragged away to go get screamed at by a little baby bird

Neil: My name is Neil

Riko: Do not lie to me again. You will not enjoy the consequences. Imagine my surprise when the results came back. Your fingerprints, Kathy gave me your glass as a souvenir. All it took was a smile and a kiss. It seems she is growing up to be quite the cougar. Nathanial, explain a few things to me. One, Jean says Kevin did not know who you are. After seeing Kevin's reaction I am inclined to believe him. Perhaps I can understand, as I know how blind Kevin can be when it comes to Exy. I might even forgive him for sheltering you from me. But you must know who you are, so I am very, very curious to know what you think you are doing.

Neil: I'm just trying to get by. If I'd known our families were business partners I wouldn't have signed the contract.

Riko: You're lying

Neil: I am not. I don't want to cause any trouble for your family. I don't want you to cause any trouble for mine. I'm just here for a year and then I'm gone, I promise.

Riko: You don't want to cause any trouble for my family? You have already cost my family a sizable fortune and eight years of trouble.

Neil: How? The money I took was my father's.

Riko: If you think acting stupid will save you, you are sadly mistaken.

Neil: I'm not acting, my mother said it was my father's money. She never even told me about you. If I had known the money was your's—

Riko: Nothing your father owned was his! I refuse to believe she never told you. All that time running and you never asked why?

Neil: Have you met my father? I didn't have to ask.

Riko: You were not running from your father, Nathaniel, you were running from his master. Which brings me to my second question, what happened to your leg?

Neil: Take a wild fucking guess

Riko: (beat) You do realize why don't you?

Neil: Because he's insane?

Riko: You're an even bigger fool than I thought. Running from the master and the money he took, there could have been one thing that paid them off. You, Nathaniel, and yet he chose to take your leg. Your father cost my family a fortune and cut off any way of paying it back.

Neil's head is spinning by the time Matt shows up. He barely remembers the rest of the night, his mind too consumed by Riko's words and the implications of who his father really was.

He takes his leg off on the bus, digging his knuckles into the knotted flesh of his father's work, thinking. He had always known his father was a monster, and this just really put it into perspective.

A text shakes Neil out of his half-asleep state, hand still digging into his knee. A single text is on the screen, from Andrew.

"Shocking, just how many issues such a small body can have."

Neil glares at the back of the bus. "Could say the same thing about you." And that's the end of it

PART ONE || PART TWO || PART THREE || PART FOUR || PART FIVE COMING SOON!

[purpleshadow-star]

The Aftermath

Read on Ao3

~

Andrew's hand gripped at the wall of the stall he was in as he heaved into the toilet bowl under his face for the umpteenth time in the last three minutes.

He spit one last time and banged a closed fist against the stall wall in frustration.

Usually, he had more time. Usually, he was able to make it through the whole game without feeling like he was going to be sick. Usually, there was enough time for him to bask in his sobriety for the few minutes between the end of the game and taking his pill again.

This time, the game wore him out.

Andrew knew he was an amazing goalie. It’s the reason he was recruited to the Foxes in the first place. Andrew knew that he could shut out almost any team they went up against if only he chose to put in the effort.

The Ravens, though. The Ravens were on a completely different level. No one had ever scored thirteen points on Andrew. Sure, Andrew had blocked the other 137 shots that the Raven made on his goal, but the fact that they were still able to make so many goals was a testament to how much they wore him down.

Already feeling weary from his withdrawal during the game, the Ravens’ incessant attack on his goal expedited his nausea to the point where Andrew had considered puking right on the court once the game ended. He had settled for sitting and decided to keep his sick for the toilet.

After another round of heaving, Andrew leaned against the stall wall. Faintly, he could hear a door opening and the rest of the Foxes entering the foyer. Wymack was no doubt giving some rousing speech about how he was proud of their performance.

Andrew didn’t care for Coach’s dramatics, but the fact that he had to miss his speech because he was stuck in a toilet stall emptying his stomach infuriated him. Andrew hit the stall wall again as he felt another round of vomit begin to work its way up his throat.

Andrew didn’t care about Exy. He really didn’t, but he was used to having it be something he could control. Again, Andrew was no stranger to his talent. Ever since discovering his uncanny abilities in juvie, Andrew had played Exy in a way that ensured he always had control. He could choose whether or not to put in effort. He could control the score. Exy was Andrew’s way of having control over something. Having control the way he never did growing up.

It was agonizingly unnerving to lose that control, especially to someone like Riko Moriyama.

Andrew was used to being able to control the score in any Exy game he played. Today, Andrew threw any target score out of his mind and focused on attempting to shut down the goal.

For the first time, it didn’t work.

Andrew moved off of the stall wall, heaved once more, and wondered why he was even thinking this hard about the game. He didn’t care. He didn’t.

Another heave had Andrew gripping his own leg and digging his nails in. He wanted to hurt something. He wanted to break something. He despised getting sick like this. He loathed showing this kind of weakness to anyone.

No one was in the locker room yet, but they would be soon. It was bad enough that he had collapsed to the ground in front of everyone after the game ended. Renee was the only one to see him right before he ran into the locker room to throw up, but even showing her this part of him made him uncomfortable. Andrew hated how little control he had over his body right now.

Control.

It was all about control.

Andrew used to have no control, back when he was in the system. Now, he had the means to take control over anything he needed to. The medication was a setback, for sure, but he took control back when he signed with Wymack. He took control back when he negotiated to come off of his meds for games.

At that moment, Andrew had no control over anything. He tried to keep in his nausea, but his body betrayed him. For the past hour, he tried to control the game, a feat that had been so effortless before, to no avail.

Andrew needed to take control back.

He thought about the last time this happened. The last time he had gotten this sick. He had destroyed the lounge. It was gratifying.

In the tiny bathroom stall, there was nothing to destroy but himself. Andrew spit up some more stomach acid, any food in his system having already been thrown up, and clawed at his left arm with his right hand until his armband shifted down a few inches, away from the crook of his elbow. He felt along the ridges with a harsh finger as a shiver wracked his body.

He felt hot and cold all over. He could feel his body shaking and his knees aching from kneeling for so long.

He despised this.

Eager to do visible damage, Andrew shifted from rough rubbing to vicious scratching. The nails of his right hand scratched at the old scars on his left forearm. He hadn’t done anything like this in a while, since before juvie, but there wasn’t anything else breakable in the small stall, and given his current state of anger and frustration, Andrew craved destruction.

It didn’t last long. The locker room door opened and a few seconds later, a tiny pill sitting on a piece of paper towel was slid underneath the stall door. A bottle of water followed a second later.

Andrew snatched the pill up in a frenzy. His sudden movement agitated the air around him, causing the paper towel to fly off to who knows where. With difficulty, Andrew swallowed the pill dry. He then reached for the water bottle and used half of it to rinse out his mouth before gulping down the rest of it. Then, he leaned back against the stall wall and closed his eyes.

The pill was already taking the edge off of his nausea. Andrew knew it wasn’t possible for the pill to be taking effect immediately. Likely, the feeling of relief was some sort of placebo, but either way, Andrew welcomed it.

Opening his eyes, Andrew cast a bored look at his exposed forearm. The skin was irritated and red, but due to his short nails, no skin had been broken. He pulled the fabric back up, covering the skin.

He’d have to tell Betsy about his mini relapse, if it could even be called that, no matter how inconsequential it was. That was annoying.

A few minutes of sitting later, a knock on the stall door almost visibly startled him.

“Andrew? Are you alive in there?”

It was Neil, the fucking mouthy shit.

It had been long enough that the pill was starting to take effect. A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. Mania bled into his voice as he replied.

“Unfortunately for everyone save you and Kevin, I continue to live on for another day.” Andrew replied. He stood up and flushed the toilet. Neil said something else, but Andrew paid him no mind as he watched the evidence of his failures wash down the toilet.

When he opened the stall door, Neil was gone.

With his dreadful smile making its way back onto his face, Andrew reluctantly let the mania wash over him once more and walked to his locker to get changed.

He and his family had an after party to get to, after all.

[o-vera-nalyzing]

ok i don’t really know if anyone cares but i’ve been thinking about it so much i have to make a post at least explaining the main reasons it’s inaccurate. there are a lot of reasons but i’m just going to try to focus mainly on the literal rule breaking and maybe mention a couple minor things that aren’t technically 100% impossible but still unlikely.

ok so first off, the biggest thing to me is that they play at palmetto for five years, and apparently that’s a pretty common thing in exy. totally fine, lots of college athletes do it, but exy is an ncaa sport, (idk the rules for the naia but that doesn’t really matter in this instance) and in the ncaa you have five years to play four seasons of a sport. that essentially means if you want to be on a team for five years you have to redshirt which means you can only play in fewer than 4 games or else you are considered a full time player and it counts as one of your seasons of eligibility. obviously there are some exceptions, most common being an injury early in the season but after that three game maximum and then it’s case by case. also during covid athletes got an extra year because the season was cut short. but neither of those exceptions apply here, neil plans to play for five years and obviously doesn’t redshirt for a year which the ncaa would never allow. i’m not sure if it’s ever mentioned in canon if the upperclassmen redshirted but i doubt it just based on the size of palmetto’s team. the rules are mainly in place to make sure students aren’t intentionally failing classes and playing in college for years and years, especially now with the new nil (name image and likeness) rules it can be very profitable for athletes to stay in college so there has to be rules to make it fair (more about nil rules will come up later).

the second big thing to me is the amount of hours they practice, and how many hours they were practicing when kevin was an assistant coach at palmetto. starting just the normal practices, according to the wiki is says they practice 2 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the evening. again according to ncaa rules coaches are only allowed to have an team events whatsoever (games, practices, meetings, film review, etc) up to 20 hours a week, 4 hours a day, with one day fully off. now obviously lots of schools work around this by giving players things to watch in their free time, making rules that if you don’t practice by yourself you won’t get playing time, or ‘mandatory’ captains practices with no coaches, or even going slightly over the allotted time, but blatantly having your players practice 7 hours a day would 100% be shut down by the school in fear of the ncaa coming down on them. i understand with edgar allen being backed by the mafia they could do what they wanted but it’s not the same at palmetto. then if my memory serves me correctly i think kevin was running practices at palmetto when he was an assistant coach, which would count as practice hours according to the ncaa. now kevin was technically an ‘informal assistant coach’ but i think if he was sitting on the bench at games, and his name is a big one in exy news in general and he was running practices as an assistant coach, the ncaa wouldn’t really care if he wasn’t technically employed by the school (but even if they didn’t care the normal practice hours are already far above what’s allowed).

the third (and last) main thing is the ncaa’s nil policies, interview policies, and rules on pro teams. i don’t know if in canon kevin ever does any ads or promotional stuff but wymack at one point says somethings about ‘tv spots and merchandise and all kinds of publicity stunts’ that tetsuji is banking on. if any of those involved kevin, tetsuji or riko getting paid for their appearances that would have been illegal according to nil rules. now players can sell their name image and likeness but that’s a very recent rule and was illegal in the ncaa when the books were set. and based on that same quote as well as kevin and neil being on kathy’s talk show in the foxhole court, we know that kevin and other players do interviews outside of the typical postgame ones, which again is prohibited by the ncaa. then you have kevin previously playing for the baltimore wildcats which i assume is a pro team. if you want to play on an ncaa team you can’t have ever or currently play on a pro team, so kevin and riko never would have been allowed to play ncaa collegiate exy if they played for the baltimore wildcats.

those are my three main problems (though the last one is three rolled into one) i have a lot more minor stuff that might not be fully illegal according to the ncaa but is just extremely unlikely based on the somewhat extensive knowledge i have about ncaa sports so let me know if anyone wants more lol. that being said this is all in good faith, i love the books i just am very nit-picky and find it interesting to learn and talk about things like this.

thinking about all the inaccuracies in aftg again and crying

[ninyard]

part two of the stefan/andrew au PLEASE

WELP this might not be the part two people wanted but here’s what I wanted so~ enjoy!

(Part 1 ? is here)

((this got rly long so I had to stop but if u want a third part lmk 🥺👉👈))

Neil made his first mistake by not bolting the opposite way when Coach Hernandez told him he had visitors. An Exy racquet to the chest and a single glance at those bright hazel eyes turned Neils entire world sideways in seconds. This couldn’t be happening. Neil almost couldn’t hold back the ‘Andrew?’ that wished to escape his lips. Of course, this wasn’t Stefan’s Andrew, but Neil knew that already. Life had turned Andrew Minyard into a man of manufactured emotions, a life of violence and misled decisions landing him on Coach Wymack’s pity party guest list that was the Foxes’ lineup. Andrew didn’t flinch looking at Neil, and Neil begged the universe to have erased the memory of Stefan from Andrew mind. He hung around a motel, for Christ’s sake, how many other people would he have met before and after Stefan? Neil Josten looked totally different, with puberty, hair dye and new contact lenses on his side.

The second mistake he made was not realising Kevin Day was going to be around. If Andrew wasn’t dangerous enough, Kevin was even more so. Neil couldn’t believe his eyes the moment he looked closely at the teams lineup from the previous year. Kevin Day would have forgotten Nathaniel Wesninski, he was sure of it, but to look across to a picture of the teams goalkeeper and seeing the short blond boy he met in California? It was a sure sign for Neil to stay the hell away from South Carolina.

Neil’s biggest mistake was deciding to push his luck and take a plane there to sign with the Foxes. He was signing a death wish; but he didn’t care anymore. He was a dead man walking, living off stolen hours. It was only a matter of time before someone caught up with him. His mother was dead, god, his mom, Mary Hatford, the woman who taught him how to be. It wasn’t just like Debby, who died leaving Toronto, or Alice, who died leaving London, or Judy who died on the train between Germany and Prague. This was permanent, and Neil didn’t think he could run for much longer.

Andrew didn’t say anything during their meeting, in which he had plenty of opportunities to at least look like he recognised Neil, or the features of Stefan still left on his face. Kevin didn’t say anything either, and his words made it clear he didn’t remember Nathaniel, either. Neil was walking a thing line between life and death, with Stefan on one shoulder and Nathaniel on the other, waiting to tip him over, to expose the truth, to leave him buried like his mother.

The first night Neil slept - or more so lay on the couch in silence for hours, brain filled with noise and regret - in David’s apartment, he couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew. He couldn’t stop thinking about the kid with white-blond hair and a toothy smile, who ran his fingers so gently over Stefan’s skin, like he would break if Andrew dared get any closer. He couldn’t stop thinking about the playground, and the motel, and the kisses… and the punches, the kicks, the pulling of hair, the slaps across the face with yells to accompany them. Before Neil knew it he was stuck with his face hovering over the toilet bowl, his stomach threatening to burst at any moment. After a minute of gagging and spitting into the water, Neil washed his face and headed towards the balcony that David told him to smoke on if he needed to. This was one of those needing to moments.

Weeks went by without any indication he was going to be caught. Kevin looked at him like a stupid amateur, which was good for Nathaniel’s sake, but for Neil? Neil, who fought like his life depended on the racquet in his hands? Neil, who ran like his father was hot on his heels every single time he set off down the court? It hurt him to be insulted so often, but Kevin was leagues above him when he played. Neil was never going to be good enough. Andrew avoided him as much as possible. Nicky told him that was just how Andrew was; if you brought him no benefit, or if you made him bored, he would put you on a high shelf and never look at you again. By the way Andrew only spoke to Neil when Neil stood up to Kevin, Neil thought it was obvious that Andrew didn’t recognise him.

And then came the invite to Columbia.

“Get rid of the contacts, by the way.” Nicky had brushed off the realisation like it was nothing. It sounded like ‘you have something in your teeth’ but felt like a screaming siren above Neil’s head. It felt like a punch to the gut, like a gun to his head. “Andrew’s decision. And brown, Neil? You’re so predictable and boring it’s adorable.” He’d left a bag of clothes with Neil.

When Neil looked at his blue eyes, he felt too many feelings he couldn’t describe, or name. He felt like he was looking at his father. He felt like he was looking into the mirror like he had the last time he was Nathaniel. The last time he was in Baltimore. He’d cycled through the catalogue of contacts during his time on the run, but never once went back to blue. They were the icy eyes of a murderer, not the eyes of quiet, boring Neil. But at least they weren’t green. Neil was worried about Kevin recognising him by his eyes, but it was going to be dark out by the time they left. Neil would just have to stay in the dark around Kevin, and hope he got too drunk to notice, too drunk to remember.

When Andrew’s group came to pick Neil up, there was a change in dynamic Neil hadn’t seen before. Instead of Nicky being the middle man in their conversations, or Kevin being the reason to talk, Andrew was taking charge of their night. Neil’s heart raced every time he looked into his eyes. Every time he heard that voice it told him to run, the same voice as before, only deeper, emotionless. Neil couldn’t imagine this Andrew crying. Neil couldn’t imagine this Andrew being open, about his sexuality, or his feelings. If he didn’t look almost the same only older, he would probably doubt this was even the same Andrew.

“Oh! Oh, now, that’s interesting!” Andrew had commented as Neil left his dorm room. Nicky, Aaron and Kevin had walked ahead of the two of them. When they’d disappeared around the corner into the elevator down, Andrew turned and grabbed Neil’s face to inspect it. “What a change, hmm? Blue to brown is a bit drastic for fashion, don’t you think?”

“I’ve never liked my eyes,” Neil spoke through the fingers that rested over his lips. “I’ve worn them brown most my life.” Andrew tutted as Neil spoke, but left that thought there. His features were angry, like Neil had insulted him, but he S miled like he’d been talking to his best friend. He placed a cigarette between his lips as they joined the others in the elevator.

Before long, they were walking through the doors of Eden’s Twilight, music pumping and swirling through the air, vibrating their bodies as they walked. Andrew motioned for Neil to follow him to the bar once they’d found a table.

“Shots on me.” He’d come down from his manic high, waiting for his dust adrenaline to kick in. His smile was gone, but his tone and way of speaking was still the same. “What do you drink?”

“I don’t,” Neil answered, having to yell over the music.

“Sure you do.” Andrew waved him off. “I’m being polite. What do you drink?” He asked again, as the bartender came over.

“A coke for me.” Neil told the man behind the bar before he could ask Andrew. “Just a little ice.”

“See, now, Pinocchio, when someone offers you a gift you say thank you and accept it.” Andrew turned towards the man. “Roland. This is Neil. He’s a newbie.”

“I hear you,” Roland nodded, already placing shot glasses on the tray he’d put on the bar. “My choice, with dash for the new kid.” He poured a clear spirit into eight shot glasses, and used the fountain tap to fill a larger glass with cola. Andrew passed cash over and waved off his change as a tip. Before Neil knew it he was heading through the crowd, Andrew balancing the tray on one hand held high above his head. They reached the table and nothing has spilled, and before Neil knew it, the shot glasses were stacked in a tower on the tray as Neil nursed his coke.

“You don’t drink.” Andrew turned to Neil after watching the others take to the dance floor, coming up on their high, dusting when they couldn’t be seen. “Why?”

“Hate the taste, mostly.” That would be the truth if ‘taste’ actually meant ‘feeling of being out of control of my body’. He shrugged at Andrew’s dissatisfaction with that answer.

“You come to university and you don’t drink?” Andrew scoffed. “Do you smoke?” Neil shook his head. He’d tried an edible by accident once in some cafe in Europe, and got so paranoid they had to move on that night. He swore he saw his dad staring in the windows in the red-light district, a blunt between his lips, a smile made of murder wrapped around it.

“Not for me.” Neil took a sip from the cold coke. “Hard to find when it’s not legal and I hate the cops. Takes too much effort to roll.” Neil lied, like he knew what he was talking about, but he just remembered watching people in the cities he went to, everywhere having their local stoners, the folks who sat in the parks without a care in the world.

“You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you won’t dust.” Andrew rattled off the options. “Is it molly you’d prefer?” And when Neil shook his head again: “Psychedelics? Benzos?”

“I’m just not interested.” Neil looked into his glass, focusing on the ice. If he kept looking at Andrew he felt like he would crack. “Don’t we get tested before games anyway? What’s the point?” Andrew didn’t answer before he heading back up the bar. Neil didn’t follow this time. When he came back, there was ten shot glasses on the table. Again, eight filled with an unnamed spirit that burned Neil’s nose and twisted his stomach. The other two were cola.

“I’d hate for the new boy to feel left out.” Aaron, Nicky and Kevin had arrived back to the table for their shots. Andrew handed Neil one of his glasses. Neil knocked it back when the others did. It was ordinary coke, no surprises, no weird tastes, no reason for Neil to believe Andrew would have given him a shot of alcohol instead. That was, until he clinked glasses with the others and swallowed the second shot in a quick movement. He felt the alcohol burn his throat. It warmed his chest, but the familiar feeling wasn’t what worried him. It was the taste of salt on his tongue when he hadn’t licked any before hand. He quickly excused himself from the table and left for the bathroom.

Andrew had drugged him. He didn’t know why, but all he knew was the crackers were already coursing through his veins with deadly adrenaline. He was sure his racing heart wasn’t helping. It didn’t help, either, when Nicky reached the stairs before he did, and pulled him in for a salty, dusty kiss. Neil pushed him off as discreetly as he could.

“Nothing?” Nicky complained as he Neil bounced up the sticky stairs two steps at a time. Neil was sure he heard him say something about Neil being too hot to be straight, but the roaring anxiety in his ears was enough to drown it out. He locked himself in a stall and tried to best to throw up. He hadn’t eaten before he’d left, and he hadn’t drank anything other than he soda, so his attempts were fairly futile. A knock at the door interrupted him, and when he answered with a quick ‘occupied!’ He heard the door unlocking from the outside. Andrew pushed his way into the cramped stall and shut the door behind him. Before Neil could even begin to object Andrew had grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall, Neil struggling to keep his balance with the toilet in the way.

“You don’t like the taste of alcohol or you’re afraid of losing control? Telling your truths?” Andrew’s drug induced smile had returned with mischief and malice. “Let’s see how this does!” His voice was low as he spoke, with an enthusiasm to his words that made Neil sweat. When he went to protest, Andrew covered his mouth with his free hand.

“Shut up,” He clicked his tongue. “You have spent your entire extended stay here lying to me and lying to poor, gullible Coach. I see the way you look at Kevin, too. Either you’re lying about not swinging or there’s something deeper to that intimidation.” Neil tried to get out a ‘I don’t swing.’ Before Andrew shushed him again. “Don’t keep lying, newbie! One last chance at honesty.” He lifted his hand no more than an inch from Neil’s mouth. Neil was sweating, his hands shaky, his mind turning into fog, desperate to cling to any sort of euphoria it could find. When it’s search came up empty, it filled his stomach, his head, his hands, his feet, with anxious buzzing instead. He couldn’t ignore the nauseating feelings the drugs brought with them.

“I don’t swing,” Neil stood his ground. “I don’t.” Andrew brought his hand up to Neils hair and yanked him down to his level, hard. He kept an inescapable grip in his curls as their faces almost touched.

“Still don’t know?” Andrew pouted in fake-pity. “Ten years later and you still don’t know?” Neil’s stomach would’ve fallen from his body if it’s got the chance. His heart would’ve went with it when Andrew continued. “There better be a good reason for Neil existing, Stefan, and I can’t wait to hear it.”

“What?” He tried, but it was no use. His voice failed him, cracking as the futile attempts at lying left his lips. “I don’t know what-“

“Shut up.” Andrew repeated. His grip not relaxing. Neil was worried he was pulling his hair from the root, but that was probably the least of his worries. Probably. “Do not lie to me again.” Neil searched his eyes for a sliver of doubt. A tiny, tiny possibility that he might think he was wrong. It wasn’t there. He’d been caught.

“Andrew.” He wrapped his hands around Andrew’s wrist, the one hovering over his head, muscles tense from the grip on his head. “Can we talk without ripping my fucking hair out?”

Before Neil could react, Andrew had let go of his hair, but in doing so, had swung his head with full force into the side walls of the stall. His balance finally failed him, but Andrew caught him by the neck of the black turtleneck he’d been gifted. He heard a few stitches pop, but it didn’t matter. The sudden movements turned Neil’s stomach with a violent wave, and he gagged hard, his stomach threatening to come out his mouth. He leaned over to spit into the toilet and bared his teeth at Andrew, breathing heavily through them.

“So he lives,” Andrew smiled, his pupils blown, a white-knuckled hold on Stefan-Neil’s collar. Neil was afraid he was going to pass out. His body was on fire, his mind screaming like an emergency broadcast alarm. “Tell me you didn’t know, oh humour me! I’d hate to think you’re stupid enough to come here still in possession of the memory from there.”

“I didn’t think you’d remember.” Neil didn’t break eye contact.

“So you ARE that stupid!” Andrew pushed him back, letting go of his top. Neil tried to assess his escape routes, but it was no use. He couldn’t get out of this. “I remembered little Stefan the second Kevin showed me your file. I didn’t think it would be you, surely it couldn’t be, but our little visit to fuckport, Arizona couldn’t lie to me like you did. So is it Neil, or is it Stefan?”

“Neither.” He spat out the honesty, worried if he waited, another lie would take it’s place. “But you can call me Neil.”

“Oh, no, no!” Andrew grabbed him by the neck, holding his jaw in a way that could become a choke very quickly. “Maybe I’ll stick with Stefan. You don’t get a say. You know, I thought mommy killed you.” A knife twisted in Neil’s gut.

“She’s dead.” Neil tried to breath through his unwanted come-up. “That’s the only reason I’m here. Because she wasn’t alive to stop me.”

“Did you do it?” He held Neils face like the world would end if he let go. He held even tighter when Neil tried to pull away.

“No.” That was all he said. He thought about continuing, considering the fact he was a dead man already. But he stopped himself. How could he say it was his dad without saying he was the mafias right-hand-murderer? Was he wasting his time lying?

“Didn’t think you did.” Andrew laughed, barely even blinking as he intimidated Neil. “No balls then, no balls now.”

“I was twelve.” He spat through crushed cheeks. “We were kids.”

“Old enough to be a liar.” Andrew let go of Neil’s face with a forceful push and turned to open the stall door. “You’re going to lead us outside. If you deviate or try to run I’ll kill you. I will kill you.” So Neil did just that. He led the way in silence, down the stairs and towards the exit. When Nicky stopped and excitedly asked where they were going, Neil looked back to Andrew who waved his pack of cigarettes, a smile on his face, no essence of a lie present. Neil just kept walking, kept his head down, and tried to ignore the pain on the side of his head. When they reached the outside of the club, the brisk air biting their exposed skin, Neil turned to the first man he saw, a club-goer at the top of the queue, and swung a punch up. Andrew noticed the second his hands left his sides, balled up with a plan. The man threw a hefty punch back, shouting intimidations, knocking Neil’s short frame to the ground. As quick as humanly possible, Andrew had hoisted him up, wrapped his arms around his back and twisted his wrist in such a way that a single jolt would break it. He held him in that position with one hand, putting all his strength into keeping Neil still.

“He gets crazy on tequila!” Andrew laughed, shaking his head as he took out his wallet and pulled out a fifty note. He threw it at the guy as compensation, his friends holding him back from beating Neil’s vulnerable, ballsy ass. He continued yelling as Andrew hauled him away. He grunted in pain as he refused to loosen his grip on Neil’s wrists. He walked him around the back of the club, to an empty, barely lit parking lot. He threw him to the ground so quickly he didn’t have time to stop his fall.

“Every moment I spend around you, you prove you’re much fucking dumber than I thought.” Andrew spat down, then crouching down to Neil’s level, balancing on the tops of his feet. Neil cradled his head, arms wrapped around the nape of his neck. He was sure he had a concussion. He could barely open his eyes through the pulsing blood rushing through his head, but forced himself to, to look up at Andrew’s smiling face.

“What happened?” Spit dripped down his chin, blood slowly trickling from the busted lip he’d earned himself. “What happened to that Andrew?” Andrew froze for half a second, and Neil noticed. “The Andrew who cried because he was gay? The kid who actually fucking cared about anything?”

“Oh, you are treading thin fucking ice for someone who doesn’t know how to swim.” Andrew tilted his head. “Mention another precious memory and I won’t hesitate to actually break your wrist next time.”

“Why?” He spat blood at Andrew’s feet. “Afraid somebody might remember what you’re actually like when you’re not pretending to be a sociopath?” Andrew opened his mouth at the challenge, a smile creeping up one side of his face. “Are you afraid to actually have someone around you know anything about you? I’m a threat. That’s all you care about.” He continued. “What, do you think I’ll use it against you? You’ve been treating me like shit since we met. If I was going to stab you in the back I’d have done it already, asshole.”

“Since we met, again.” He corrected the most irrelevant part of Neils sentiment.

“Let me go now and I’ll move on. You won’t ever see me again.” Neil bargained. Andrew’s eyebrows twitched ever so slightly. “This time I’ll get a chance to say goodbye.”

“No,” Andrew stopped him. “You don’t get to arrive in to my life like a tornado and disappear. You don’t get to dig your own grave and push me into it.” He bent down to get closer to Neils shaking face. “You’re going to tell me exactly what happened first. Tell me what she did to you.”

“No.” Neil strained. “I moved on. You were dangerous. You almost got me killed.”

“Boohoo, do you hear my tiny violin, liar?” Andrew grabbed a hold of his hair again. Neil let out a cry of pain, trying to pry Andrew’s fingers from his scalp. “Talk. Talk or I will get you killed.”

“My father is a very dangerous man. He’s murdered more people than there are days in a year.” Neil wiped the blood from his lips. It stung as he did so, but it didn’t matter. He took out a small stack of IDs from his wallet and threw them across to Andrew. For a second, anyone would’ve thought they were real, but closer inspection killed that thought. Andrew was holding a driver’s license belonging to Chris Angle, 21, from New York. A European passport card signed by George Debois from Paris. A gym membership from Seattle, an employee pass from Toronto, two more drivers licenses from cities across the globe. All the names were different, but they didn’t belong to different people. They all had pictures of Neil on them. Some he had long hair, short hair, an unfortunate buzz-cut. He wore a beard in some, the baby face of a teenager in others. “You aren’t the only one I’ve lied to. Don’t think you’re special.” Andrew snapped the IDs with angry force. Neil took a deep breath, knowing the last memories of his mother were buried in the face of Christopher Hart, snapped in half, just like that. He continued searching through his wallet. Deep into the card pockets of the tattered leather. He didn’t look up when he heard Andrew drop the scraps of his identities on the ground. Neil found what he was looking for and threw it again, across the space separating them, it clattering by his feet. “If my mom found that she’d have killed me herself. We ran so she could protect me. I made that so much harder on her by meeting you.” Andrew inspected the card he’d been thrown. An under-eye twitch and a slow inhale accompanied his realisation. “You want to hate me for what she made me do, fine, but it was inevitable. You were never going to be the reason that made us stay.”

Neil had given Andrew something he couldn’t bare to part with. His old wallet stayed buried deep, deep in his belongings, so well hidden his mother hadn’t even known it existed. He usually kept his current IDs on his person, and never in a wallet. It was a ticking time bomb, but Neil needed something. He needed a reason to feel, and if that was the memory of the good day his mom had had when they finally showered after weeks of baby wipes and deodorant, it was something to hold on to. Neil had to stay grounded in some sort of reality. He was on the run, sure, but the people he met, the things he’d done? They were real. It hurt to see those memories snapped on the ground like trash, but Andrew didn’t snap the memory he held in his hands.

Andrew held the library card of Stefan Montgomery. It had a faded black and white photo on it, scratched out with time. He had begged the librarian to let him have the card without taking a picture, but she had insisted it was necessary so people didn’t have more than one. In the photo was a scared little boy, a gash on his cheek, with crispy curls and a skinny face. Neil remembered walking to the library when he couldn’t find Andrew, taking out books to help him learn any of the languages he needed to know. The library in Oakland taught him about the history of Spain, and the culture in France. There was something about Stefan that Neil didn’t want to forget. He’d kept that library card safe as if it were a lifeline, like he knew it would come in handy some day.

And then Andrew threw it across the empty parking lot like a frisbee.

“She didn’t see anything.” Neil tried, as if it would help. “We left because I made a friend. Not because… you know.”

“I was not your friend.” Andrew stood up and put a cigarette between his teeth. He lit it, one puff, two puff, three puffs until it burned red. “I was never your friend.”

“You were.” Neil struggled to stand up and join him. “Don’t lie to a liar.”

“You remember it wrong!” He took a short drag and flicked ash as he spoke. “You were a toy to play with when there was nothing else to do.”

“You could’ve went home.” Neil took the cigarette from Andrew’s fingers. “But hey, I wasn’t the only one who needed to escape heavy hands, right?” He pulled the smoke into his lungs and breathed out before flicking the barely smoked cigarette away. “You were my friend. You had Stefan killed because I cared about you when Stefan wasn’t supposed to care about anybody.”

“Be quiet.” Andrew pulled another cigarette from the packet and squared up to Neil who was standing so close he could feel Andrew’s breath hot on his face. “You didn’t care.”

“Are you listening?” Neil spat again, the heat of the cigarette having hurt his cracked lips. “We left because of you. Because I let you in, and I’m sorry you were collateral damage in our war against the world but fuck, we didn’t have a choice. Do you think I wanted to leave? I was going to leave you a note, but she wouldn’t leave my side until we were in another city and Stefan was just another name in the pile. Fuck you if you don’t want to believe that. I don’t owe you an explanation but you’ve got one anyway. Tell me to leave and I’ll go. Tell me you understand and I’ll go, Andrew.”

“I waited for you.” Andrew exhaled honestly through cigarette smoke. “Every day! The fourth day I tried knocking on the door of your motel room. Fifth day a random couple opened the door and I knew you weren’t coming back. Why should I give you another chance, hmm? When you so easily could run away before, who’s to say you won’t do it again?”

“I’m not asking for another chance,” Neil head was pounding. He felt like he could pass out, his ears ringing and body jittery. “I don’t know, maybe I’m asking you to remember what I meant to you.” Andrew pursed his lips at that. He was struggling to keep his composure, like the memory of before was chipping away slowly at this version of Andrew. He was holding himself together with twitches and small fidgets.

“I hate you.” He said, coldly. He had lit his cigarette and smoked through half of it before speaking again. Neil just stood, suddenly thinking about if Kevin were to find the IDs scattered on the floor. He didn’t even think he could lie to Nicky about that. He would pick them up in a moment, but he couldn’t afford to lose Andrew’s interest in the conversation. If Neil got distracted now he could ruin every chance he possible had at reconciling some sort of relationship with Andrew.

“I hate what the world has turned you into.” Andrew snorted a laugh at Neil’s dramatics.

“Oh, you are a pipe bomb.” Andrew started to walk away, but when Neil grabbed his arm to stop him, in a quicker movement he had twisted Neil’s arm in some sort of self defence move that hurt. “You don’t have a right to touch me anymore. Keep your lying hands to yourself or I’ll break every one of your fingers.” He didn’t let go immediately.

“Do you miss it?” Neil searched Andrew’s eyes for something, anything. “Being vulnerable? Being comforted instead of being alone, blaming the world for your problems?” Before Neil could even think to keep going, Andrew had used his free hand to manoeuvre a knife from his arm bands and hold it up to Neil’s face.

“I dare you to keep pushing.” His words were casual, but a threat nonetheless. “Stop trying to control a life you left. I won’t be a scratching post for your mommy issues, runaway.”

“What did Jakub do to you?” Neil brought a memory out from the depths. As soon as the name left his lips, Andrew’s entire body hardened and his eyes turned to glass. He slashed a cut into Neil’s cheekbone without hesitation and proceeded to let go of his arm and jam a thumb into the fresh wound. “Why did you spend your childhood alone in a playground?” Neil spoke through gritted teeth.

“If you want to keep your fantasy alive I advise you to really shut up now.” Andrew pushed him backwards, a final squeeze in the gash as he did so. Even more blood dripped down his face. Andrew wiped his hands in his pants and picked up the ignored cigarette he’d dropped in the altercation. “You are going in circles. This is your last warning.”

“My mom nearly broke half the bones in my body trying to get rid of the memory of you.” Neil took his spot back up so close to Andrews face he could practically see every one of the pores in his face. He still had freckles scattered across his face, his skin soft, with faint acne scars here and there across his cheeks. “I never stopped thinking about you.”

“You should have.” Andrew threw his cigarette at Neil. “Make your choice. Run like you’re used to.” He looked him up and down one more time and turned on his feet back towards the club. Neil didn’t follow. He started to pick up the remnants of his past and he felt his nose ache in psychosomatic pain, remembering a nose-breaking punch his mother threw when Neil dared asked if they could stay. He spat again, still trying to get the salty taste out of his mouth. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely hold onto the shards of plastic evidence of who he used to. After picking them all up he had to stop, and sit down. He was afraid he was having a panic attack, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the drugs still ravishing his system, or if it was because of Andrew. Maybe it was both. It probably was. He didn’t think he could’ve spoken the truth if he wasn’t high, but God, if he were sober it would’ve been so much easier to run. High Neil was emotional Neil, empathetic Neil, hurt Neil. He’d only had the experience of being really, genuinely high a few times, and every single time just reminded him how much he hated the feeling of being out of control. Of his nerves, his feelings, every fibre in his being misfiring and doing the opposite to what he wanted. His brain was begging him to feel the chemicals it was pumping out, but all it did was amplifying the aching feeling in his chest. He let out a noise that didn’t quite resemble a cry, or a sigh, or a grunt. It was a noise born from pain, a mixture of anxiety and heartbreak, maybe. He wasn’t sure what that felt like. Maybe this was it.

He tried to steady his breath and he stumbled across the empty lot. The booming bass from the music at Eden’s practically shook the ground as he walked, at least, it sure felt like it did. He stumbled as he reached down to pick up the library card so carelessly thrown away. It hurt him even more looking at Stefan, feeling this pang in his stomach that wished things could’ve been different. He didn’t think he liked Andrew like that, and being on the same team was just the destruction of a childhood crush. Neil tried to come up with excuses in his head to how Andrew felt, but it was obvious he had thrown Stefan into the bad memories pile a long, long time ago. Neil showing up again just ripped through Andrew’s closure, and knowing he had feelings beneath what he showed, he was probably hurting too. It didn’t seem like it, but maybe he was. Neil had put the ID away, and looked around. He had no real idea where he was, or how to get home. Before he knew it, he was sprinting away from the club, going nowhere, going anywhere but there. His head wasn’t in a place to decide that he should stay. He’s worth it. His heart raced at the thought of Andrew’s face, looking down at the long unused library card. He’s worth it. Neil couldn’t look back. He was wondering what Andrew was telling the others, and if they would believe him. He wondered if he’d told Nicky about Neil’s Idontknow sexuality, and that’s why Nicky thought it okay to kiss him. But he didn’t feel anything with Nicky. He didn’t look at anyone in the way he looked at Andrew. He ran and ran and ran until he’d sweat out the drugs, until his head was more focused on trying to breathe than it was on Andrew, and his mom. It took a while, and he was lost when he stopped. Unfamiliar streets, him a stranger in someone else’s hometown. Maybe that made things worse. This feeling was too familiar. Lost, lost, lost. Sometimes lost became familiar, became home. He didn’t think he could be un-lost again.

-

Part 3