#but still it makes me sad and it makes me have a hard time talking to ppl abt oni
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keferon · 1 day ago
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Hmmmm. New infection: Blurr/Swerve
Your writing has radioactive qualities but in a comic book super powers granting kind of way.
Merry Christmas from me to you.
———————————————————————
There was single spark of Christmas in the deepest dark of space. Far, far from the warm fire of Earth.
With the sort of warmth reserved for children’s holiday specials, Swerve and Jazz exchanged small improvised gifts.
Prowl also participated, with all the stone cold concentration of a bomb defusal.
Turns out, there was a decent amount of dropped shanix down various vents that Jazz had gotten a hold of. Swerve helped him pick up a gift for Prowl the next time they stopped at a trade depot. It was some of the most fun he’d had since waking up.
Prowl. ALSO, required Swerves help in picking out a gift for Jazz.
Never, never, never again.
Later, Swerve would watch as Jazz helped Prowl loop a striped scarf over his shoulders and across one half of a chevron, laughing and smiling all the while.
Swerve wasn’t jealous. No no no. He really was happy for them! He was! And maybe a little sad.
Prowl nodded at something Jazz said and took his leave to head back to his, their hab suite. Jazz jogged over to where Swerve had been slowly been drilling a pen into the drawing pad Jazz gotten for him.
“So you going to go see them?”
Swerve abruptly dropped the pen and flattened a hand over the sketch he’d definitely not made of the person he totally wasn’t thinking about.
“Whaaaat? No, no I’m sure they’re fine. Not! That I was still thinking about him! THEM.”Swerves optics darted rapidly from Jazz to the drawing, making sure any evidence was fully concealed.
“Besides, I’m not gonna leave you alone on Christmas Eve.” He said a bit more seriously, remembering Jazz’s current isolation. Unlike him, Swerve could visit Earth whenever wanted.
“Actually, Prowl was talking about some silent holovid earlier, so we were going to watch it tonight. It’s cool man, go check on your boo.”
Jazz looked, well, happy. And his field (wow, Swerve was still mind blown that humans had those the entire time) reflected that.
Swerve did a poor imitation of nonchalance. “I mean, only if you’re totally sure.”
Jazz put his hands in his pockets, rocking on the balls of his feet a little, “Hmmm, you could always join Prowl and I for the holovid. You know, the one we’re gonna watch together? Inside his room?”
HA!
Hahahahhaha!
Oooooh Swerve saw THAT trap and did not need the stress induced nightmare fuel that’d surely come from third wheeling on a date with Prowl.
The Christmas Shopping was enough.
With Jazz’s blessing, and Prowl’s glaring, seriously he could feel it through the wall, Swerve wished them a Merry Christmas and went to his room. Just a little bit quicker than necessary.
———————————————
Blurr’s hospital was one of those really fancy ones that looked more like a hotel room from the right angles.
There were simple decorations, extra furniture like a nightstand and a small couch, as well as fairly thick curtains framing a large clear window.
Christmas lights were strung up outside, adding to the ambient glow of the city lit up below. Snowflakes drifting through the air fuzzed the details. Made everything a little soft.
Swerve zeroed in on closing the curtains out of habit.
“Leave th-“
Swerve shrieked, nearly clipping through a wall with how hard he jumped.
Lying on his good side on the couch, Blurr merely blinked at him slowly before finishing his sentence.
“Leave the curtains open, please.” He pulled a blanket that didn’t look thick enough a little more securely over his shoulder.
Blurr didn’t resume looking at the falling snow, instead he took Swerve in with a half lidded eye.
“So are you my ghost of Christmas past, present or future?”
Swerve was uncomfortably reminded of how he looked at the moment. Colorless, grainy and mostly transparent. Slowly, he turned up the sliders on his holoform. “Heh, uh, option D? None of the above?”
Blurr didn’t have an IV in, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still on some other form of painkillers. Either way, he seemed a little more aware than what Swerve was prepared to deal with.
So why was he moving to get Blurr a better blanket?
Eh, he probably won’t remember this, but his recovery will. Swerve rationalized. He thinks I’m a Christmas ghost anyways, it’s just a dream to him.
When Swerve was almost out of sight, he was stopped by a small, “Stay?”
Swerve stayed.
He shuffled where he stood, Blurr continued to look at him. Slowly, the former racer tried to sit up.
Swerve was there right away, moving softly as he helped him up. In order to support Blurrs weight as best as possible, Swerve ended up sitting halfway onto the couch where Blurr had been laying.
Blurr placed a hand on his arm for support, and when he was most of the way upright, Swerve felt him sigh and rest all of his weight onto his holoform.
Comfortable.
Trapping him.
Holoforms can’t explode right?
Swerve was living both his greatest fanfic dream as well as his second greatest real life nightmare. He really, really hoped holoforms couldn’t explode. Fuck knows he’d put this poor man through enough.
How many layers of guilt were there again? There’s the initial parasocial idolization thing. There was the time Blurr saw all of his destroyed merchandise. So he thinks Swerve hates him. Did. He did actually hate him. Not really, but he wanted to. Oh and then Swerve left him for dead! Because he treated him like he wasn’t an actual living person who could feel fear! Or pain! Or. . . Alone.
On Christmas.
Swerve got a little more settled onto the couch, letting Blurr use him as his personal cushion a bit more comfortably. Leaning his head on his shoulder, Blurr was watching the snow again.
“When I was a child, I spent every Christmas at a ski lodge to the north” Blurr spoke quietly enough that the silence stayed resilient.
“I’d stay up late, watching the snow drift down through the mountain lights for hours. It felt a lot like this.” Blurr’s eye was fluttering more and more the longer he spoke. Each time it closed, Swerve could see the effort it took to open again.
Blurr, readjusted his body one last time me. Then mumbled. “You’re very warm for a ghost.”
Swerve, desperately, wished he could remember a single smart thing he’d ever written. “I got a slider for that.”
Swerve was going to find the self destruct button.
Blurr snorted a genuine single laugh. His eye had closed and he’d stopped fighting. Gradually, Swerve felt him breath a little slower, sinking into him and the couch. Swerve held still, until all the screaming, embarrassing panic in his mind resolved into white noise.
Swerve stayed for as long as he could. And when his time was almost up, he carefully lowered Blurr back onto the couch. Getting him a thicker blanket, and a non-Swerve pillow, for Christmas.
———————————————————————
- SSTP
"Prowl. ALSO, required Swerves help in picking out a gift for Jazz.
Never, never, never again."
LMAO
"Oooooh Swerve saw THAT trap and did not need the stress induced nightmare fuel that’d surely come from third wheeling on a date with Prowl."
AHAHAHAJFJGMGJGKRJ WHEEEEEEZE HELP
ANON. SSTP. DEAR. MY TREASURE. MY SWEET NUCLEAR POWER PLANT OF A WRITER. I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE THEM. BOTH JP AND BLURWERS. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TO BE THIS FUNNY AND CUTE /J
Also The scene with Blurr is just SO cozy auughhggj I wanna wrap them both in a blanket and send to the magic ski resort where nothing bad ever happens*
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itwasntimethatdidit40 · 3 days ago
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Merry Christmas, baby.
Pairing: Marcus Pike x f!reader Rating: just a little tiny bit of smut so still +18 but it’s mostly a huge pile of angst and fluff soooo Words Count: 10669 😵‍💫 Tags: POV second person, reader wears dresses, skirts, blouses and heels, she uses make up, she’s a journalist and a writer, no physical description of her is given besides having hair, angst, fluff, friends to lovers, slow burn, loss of a parent, infidelity, divorce, mention of food, alcohol consumption, both reader and Pike are bad at feelings, swearing, slurs, dirty talk, quarrels, reconciliations, funeral, sharing a bed, kissing, sad thoughts, casual encounters, mention of coffee, mention of spring break activities, geography probably a bit random (but I looked at the maps, don't jump down my throat, I did research and I've actually been to Boston many years ago, I tried my best lol), brief mention of Teresa. I hope I haven't forgotten anything, if so I'll add it immediately. A/N: Written for @pedrostories Secret Santa event, hello @letsgobarbs, I’m your Secret Santa! 🤶 Happy Christmas Eve, I hope you'll have a wonderful holiday season! 🎄 I hope you enjoy this story and I hope you find the angst, yearning and pining you wanted. Among the characters you had indicated as favorites there was Pike and I liked the idea of ​​trying to write him for the first time, he is so sweet and cute and he deserves to be happy, I hope I gave him an ending worthy of him 🥹 I apologize if you find any mistakes, English is not my first language and I don't have a beta so I did it all with just one pair of stupid and tired eyes 😵‍💫
A huge thanks goes to all the lovely people who supported me through the process while I was having a full crisis about everything in this fic 😂 @baronessvonglitter @almostempty @arcanefox207 @joelmillerisapunk I love you all, happy holidays 🥰
1990
“So what do you think?” 
“Um...you're good” You've just heard the ugliest Take on Me cover ever, but you can't tell the guy standing in front of you and looking at you with hopeful eyes. 
Marcus is your best friend, you've known him for a couple of years, since both of you were two dorky freshmen at your new school. You were looking for the literature room and wandering lost in the hallways when Marcus asked if you needed help. You bonded right away because you didn't know anyone else, you had just moved to Sacramento because of your father's job and he was from Texas, so it had seemed natural to lean on each other.
Over time you had become such good friends that he had met your parents, he would often stay for dinner, and your dad would let him use your garage to rehearse with his band. 
Marcus had put up flyers at school and enlisted two other boys, Timmy and Dave, who became the guitarist and keyboardist of Rocket Baby Doll. The name of the band was terrible, they were terrible, but you had never had the courage to tear them down in the face of Marcus's enthusiasm, he was sure that by continuing to rehearse they would make great progress. 
With his smooth talk, Marcus had managed to convince the committee to let them play at the freshmen's Christmas dance.
“You'll see that one day we'll be on the cover of Rolling Stone,” Marcus joked. Or at least you hoped he was joking because otherwise you wouldn't know how to talk him out of it. 
Marcus was a dreamer and he liked to do it big. He wanted to be a musician, or maybe an FBI agent, he told you. Two careers that had nothing to do with each other, but you knew that if anyone could afford to have ambitions it was him. Marcus was tenacious, persistent, dedicated, and never afraid to work hard to get what he wanted.  He certainly wasn't going to end up on the cover of Rolling Stone, but in your heart you were certain he was going to accomplish something important.
He was the kind of boy mothers liked, in fact yours loved him. When you needed math tutoring, he would come to your house totally for free and explain whatever you didn’t understand.
When Molly Preston wanted to exclude you from the winter dance because her ex-boyfriend, Ryder, had asked you out, he had been the one to give her a speech.
When you had a bad day Marcus would take you to get your favorite ice cream, you would talk for hours, and in the end he was the only one who could cheer you up.
Whatever problems you had, Marcus was there for you landing an helping hand. 
You knew your mother not too secretly hoped you would get together but it never happened, Marcus was your friend, just a great friend.
“Come on, my mom made cookies for everyone,” you told him as he continued to fantasize about what you might do. You would be their manager and you would both become rich and famous. He just couldn't keep his feet on the ground, even though he was a very good student and even had better grades than you.
You were 17 years old, your whole lives ahead of you, and you hoped that you will remain friends for many years to come.
_____________________________________________
1993
“What do you mean there is only one room available! We had booked two!” 
Marcus had yelled at the front desk of a motel where you stopped for the night. 
The owner, a rather creepy guy with a long scar on his right cheek, slumps in his shoulders, heedless “If you want number 12 is free, otherwise you can take your asses somewhere else for all I care.”
Marcus was fuming. 
It was spring break, any hotel was totally booked, and the possibilities were already significantly reduced given your pockets. 
You didn't even want to come; you had just broken up with Derek, your college boyfriend, and were back at your parents' house with the intention of spending your vacation there healing your wounds. Vegetating on the couch, reading books, watching movies, just relaxing. That was what you wanted to do. But Marcus had insisted, “Erik, Alice, Kate and Robert are in San Diego, let's join them!” 
You had shaken your head and declined “No way, I've seen enough wild college parties and besides, I'm not really in the mood.” 
“Oh come on, you don't want to spend Spring Break crying over that jerk,” he had said, shrugging and looking at you with his big brown puppy-dog eyes. 
“Marcus, I really don't feel like it.” 
“Come on, please do it for me! You'll see we'll have fun, they're nice!” Surrounding yourself with drunk and stoned 20-year-olds was the least of your desires. 
But on the other hand you felt you couldn't say no to him, it had been months since you had seen each other, your relationships had been reduced to long letters and phone calls telling each other about each other's schools.
You had chosen different colleges, Marcus had been accepted at Berkeley in California and you were at Boston University. You had changed coast, climate, everything. You were content but adjusting the first months had not been easy, you felt homesick and you missed your best friend. You were happy for him, you had known since your senior year that you were going to separate but that hadn't made it easy for you. 
You had only seen each other in person at Thanksgiving.
He had been forced to go to his relatives in Nevada for Christmas.
So you got dragged down to San Diego, because deep down Marcus was right, brooding all vacation about the relationship with Derek would not be good for you. You had had other guys before him but Derek had been special, until you found out he was cheating on you. You cried for hours on the phone with Marcus and he listened to you the whole time so maybe you owed him a little too.
After insisting on getting at least a room refund, Marcus had turned to you displeased “apparently we have no other choice.” 
“We'll adjust” you had smiled, but you couldn't deny that you were a little nervous. 
Once in the room he, too, seemed self-conscious. 
There was a double bed with a hideous floral bedspread in the middle of the room, brownish carpeting on the floor, dingy pictures hanging on the walls, and an old dresser on the opposite side of the bed with a rickety TV on it.
A smell of cheap deodorant with a musty undertone wafted around. It was the worst room I had ever set foot in, but at this point there was nothing you could do but make it okay. Sleeping in the car didn't seem so appealing.
You had set your bags down and looked at each other awkwardly “This room is awful,” Marcus had whispered, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand “I'm sorry, it didn't look that bad from the brochure.” 
“It's not your fault, I bet those pictures were taken at least 20 years ago” you had laughed ”it will do for one night” 
You had retrieved your pajamas from the suitcase and went to the bathroom. The light blue tiles made it look like a hospital, there was an old plastic curtain in the shower and the sink looked like it had been through a war but at least it looked clean. There was a strong smell of disinfectant that made you a little nauseous. You had changed quickly and returned to your room to Marcus who was sitting on the bed intent on calling his parents “Yes mom, everything is fine, we will be back tomorrow. Yes, sure, don't worry I'll definitely say hello to her, she's in her room now” You had noticed that he had not said anything about your misadventure, you had sat down smiling on the opposite side of the bed trying to be silent. 
Marcus had rolled his eyes closing the call “she is so old-fashioned.” 
You had laughed “I find her lovely” 
Marcus had chuckled “we'd better sleep, we have a lot of driving tomorrow. Are you okay with that side?”
“Yes, it’s fine” you had nodded ”however I'd rather get this bedspread out of the way, it gives me nightmares even when awake” 
Marcus had observed it agreeing that yes, it was rather eerie.
You had taken it off and laid it on the dresser before slipping under cold, scratchy and wrinkled sheets.
You looked at each other and burst out laughing, the situation was comical to say the least. “God, I think I won't forget this bed for a long time,” Marcus had said. 
“It feels like being in a burlap sack.” You had laughed.
“Could you not squirm like that?” 
“Sorry, I'm just looking for ways to be comfortable,” you had said, ”Mattress is lumpy.” 
You had laid on your side with your back to him and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. 
“So, did you have a good time?” you had heard Marcus whisper.
“Yes” you had replied “thank you” And it was true, his friends were really nice. You had bonded with the girls and exchanged addresses and phone numbers “you were right, I needed a vacation”
“I know, I'm always right” he had sentenced from the other end of the bed.  
You had turned to look at him "oh sure, like the other night when we ended up at that beach party and you said it was allowed and then we had to run away because the police were coming?”
“It was just a little misjudgment!” He retorted.
You had burst out laughing again “come on, sleep, Mr I know everything”
Marcus had turned off the lamp on the bedside table, next to the phone with which he had just called his mother “Hey...I need to tell you something” you had heard him say. 
“What?” the tone had suddenly changed and you felt confused, you looked over your shoulder at him in the dark. 
“I kissed Alice the other night” he seemed awkward in telling you and you didn't understand why.
“Oh. Well, good for you. She's a lovely girl” he was your friend, you were happy for him. 
If it weren't for the fact that you secretly hoped he would kiss you. You'd been thinking about it for a few days, ever since you'd seen him come out of the water while you were at the beach.
It had seemed to you that everything had started moving in slow motion, your eyes glued to his tanned skin, to his broad shoulders, to the way the water slid over his chest in little droplets that died on the waistband of his swimsuit. It was a feeling you had never experienced before in five years of knowing him. You had never seen Marcus as anything more than a friend, but in that moment, with his hair disheveled, his skin wet, a smile plastered on his face as he told you and the others that ocean was great, he had seemed like a vision, and you had felt your cheeks heat up. 
Where on earth that attraction came from you didn't know, but it had hit you hard and clear, like a bump on the head that had suddenly awakened you. You had convinced yourself that your brain was doing this to protect you from painful memories with Derek, lingering on your closest friend who had never let you down. Your trust in men was at its lowest, and Marcus had always reassured you, kept you out of trouble, and he was most reliable guy you had ever known.
He said he would do something and he always, unfailingly did it. You could not say the same about Derek or any other guy you had ever been with.
You had tried to chase that feeling away, burying it in the corner of your mind for all the following days; you didn't want to ruin the friendship between you, and you were pretty sure he didn't feel the same way about you.
Sure, you thought you kissed him on your 18s birthday while you were drunk, but the next morning you were so ashamed that you hadn't even told him about it, pretended you didn't remember anything and that it had never happened. Marcus had done the same, and everything had ended there. Two years had passed since that night, you had gone to college, you had both had more or less long relationships.
That one kiss was now so far away that you had listed it among “once-in-a-lifetime mistakes.”
"I wanted to tell you, that's it. Friends tell each other everything, right?"
“Yes, of course, you can tell me anything, I’m happy for you” you replied 
You had listened to Marcus talk about the girls he liked dozens of times and you had never cared, you would have certainly forgotten it, it was just a passing crush, you told yourself. That annoyance you felt, that bitter taste in your throat, would disappear after a night's sleep. Your friendship was more important, you wouldn't have ruined it just because your brain had thought it interesting to make it something more.
Yet when you had tried to sleep all you had seen was Marcus kissing Alice. You had not seen them, fortunately, but it was not a hard scene to imagine, and unfortunately it was now implanted in your brain. His strong arms holding her, his soft lips resting on hers, her surrounding his neck with her arms, her pelvis rubbing against his. Suddenly you couldn't stand it. You had narrowed your eyes, cursing your creative mind, grunting in frustration. 
“Hey, is everything okay?” had asked Marcus from the other side of the bed.
You had lied, of course, but you had kept brooding until you fell asleep exhausted by the workings of your brain.
In the morning you had woken up confused, not at all rested, and in his arms.
Your face was resting on his chest next to your hand. How had you ended up there like that? You didn't know. You felt like you didn't know anything anymore. 
He was blissfully asleep. He seemed unaware of anything as your throat was dry, your head ached, and your pussy throbbed. Yes, throbbing, desperately. The warmth of his body, the scent of his skin, that knowledge you felt inside that this was exactly what you wanted and you couldn't even quantify how long you had wanted it.
And the panic that had seized you immediately afterward. You were convinced it was a mistake, the most terrible mistake you could make. So why did it feel so right? Why did his body feel like it was made for you? Oh no, no you couldn't allow that. Certainly he had no idea whatsoever about the situation, there was no way he was aware and let you do it, it was all your fault. 
You were going to ruin everything, your friendship, your relationship with the one man who really seemed to understand and support you. And for what? To fuck him once? It wasn't going to work between you romantically. You were going to have to spend two more years away seeing each other only during the holidays to begin with, and then you were both stubborn, too proud...no, it was wrong, you didn't care what your body told you, you had to let your brain prevail.
You slowly slipped away, back to your side of the bed, practically holding your breath, cursing yourself and your heart that wouldn't stop hammering in the middle of your chest.
He had woken up shortly after, acted as usual, getting up, stretching in his T-shirt and basketball shorts, mumbled good morning to you and locked himself in the bathroom. 
Your eyes had slid lasciviously over his body, stealing glances of his exposed skin between his T-shirt and shorts, of his broad shoulders stretching the fabric, of his thighs...
All while you wanted to sink into a black hole and disappear forever. You sank your face into the pillow to keep yourself from screaming. 
And what was worse was that you had to carry the burden of what you felt alone because the person you would normally talk to about it was the one you were longing for. Wonderful, a wonderful situation. 
When he had come out of the bathroom, with his beautiful smile and that rough voice that he always had early in the morning you almost lost control. You were about to beg him to join you in bed. Ugh, your 20s, uncontrollable, stupid, senseless hormones.
“What are you waiting for? Come on, go get dressed, we have to leave,” he had told you, in the same friendly and vaguely mocking tone as always. 
“Oh. yes, thank you, I promise I will be quick.” You had stammered.
You got up, grabbed some random clothes from your suitcase, your beauty case and went to the bathroom to shower and change. He would be ready in 10 minutes at most so he would always let you go to the bathroom first, to give you time to do your makeup and fix your hair. Marcus knew that about you, too, and he was okay with that. 
You closed the door behind you, feeling the tears stinging your eyes. You had managed to hold them back until that moment, but in the shower, covered by his of the water, they had flowed copiously and salty down your cheeks. 
____________________________________________
2000
“Hey! How are you! My goodness, long time no see!” 
You had met him at the supermarket, as you were going around the shelves intent on shopping for your mother. 
You were back at your parents' house for Thanksgiving with your husband, John. 
The last person you thought you would see was him. 
“Marcus!” you had squeaked.
“I am fine! How are you? And Danielle?” 
Your mother had taken it upon herself to inform you that he had also married, had no children, and had become a detective. 
“Danielle is just fine, she is right there down the aisle picking potatoes according to my mother's exact instructions,” he had rolled his eyes, chuckling.
Damn, you had thought, he's breathtakingly handsome. 
You hoped that in all the years you had lost touch with each other he would have lost at least some of his hair like his father, but apparently he had not inherited that gene. His hair was thick and healthy as usual, he wore a gray T-shirt under a black leather jacket and a pair of dark blue jeans. You hated the way he could put on two random things and look so damn perfect while you felt like you had spent your whole life in front of your closet wondering what to wear. And even more you hated his smile, so friendly and sweet, that it hadn't changed at all. 
He seemed genuinely glad to see you. 
You had lost touch with each other after graduation, despite the advent of cell phones, computers, and email. Your friendship had survived handwritten letters, postcards, prepaid phone cards but still crumbled eventually. You were on the opposite coast, intent on your master's degree, dreaming of becoming a writer; he was hooked on a career in law enforcement. 
The letters had become fewer and fewer, as had the phone calls, and eventually what was there had simply slipped away as the months passed, the commitments increased, and each of you tried to become the adult you had dreamed of being.
You had thought it was much better this way, you had stifled your feelings for him for another four years before accepting that nothing would ever happen. You had dated other guys in the meantime, but Marcus had always remained in your mind as the perfect guy you could never have. It was only when you had met John that you had allowed yourself to think that maybe it could work with someone who was not your old friend. He was understanding, sweet, supportive, present and caring with you. John was a really good guy and so you had finally decided to marry him. He had asked you one spring day at the Public Garden, while you were eating a lobster sandwich under a tree in front of the pond, watching the swans. Your offices were close by, so you tried to spend your lunch break together as often as you could. You had gotten a job at the Boston Globe, were in charge of the wedding column, and wrote romance novels in your spare time, sending manuscripts left and right in the hope that some editor would notice them. John was a stockbroker, pragmatic, punctual and very thorough in his work as much as he was sweet and attentive with you. 
“How about we get married?” he simply had said to you, with his mouth full. You had laughed, thought he was joking, until you noticed his serious and hopeful look and exclaimed “oh my God, yes!” throwing your sandwich in the air and wrapping your arms around his neck. That was all you wished for. You had moved in together in a beautiful house downtown, not very big but lovely, you had fallen in love with it as soon as you saw it. It was bright and warm, the right place to start your life with John.
You had, of course, sent an invitation to Marcus as well, but he had declined, saying he was very busy with work. You had kind of tied it on your finger and so you had decided that he might as well get out of your life after all. Times change, people change, all I can do is move on and try to forget how I feel about him by devoting myself to my relationship with John, you thought.
Now that you had him in front of you again though, he looked the same as he always did, only grown. And your heart had skipped a beat the instant you recognized his voice greeting you.
“How long do you plan to stay?” you had asked out of pure courtesy. 
“About a week, we were able to take a few days to relax a bit. We're always working like crazy, you know, we both needed to get away for a while. How about you?” 
“Yes, us too, by the way if you remember Sunday is my father's birthday and my mother really wanted us to be there.” 
“I guess. By the way, I'm sorry. My mother told me when we arrived.” 
Your father had been ill for several months and unfortunately there was little left to do at that point. He was slowly fading away and it would probably be the last Thanksgiving you would spend together.
“I thank you. Oh here's John. John this is Marcus, an old friend of mine. Marcus, this is John, my husband.”
“Nice to meet you, Marcus,” John had said, shaking his hand. 
“Honey, I'm done, shall we go?” had chirped Danielle's voice as she approached you. 
“Yes love, but first let me introduce you to an old friend of mine and her husband” Marcus had told her softly. 
“Oh it's you! Marcus has told me several times about you! It's nice to finally meet you in person.”
Danielle was beautiful, dark hair, blue eyes and delicate features, a little nose that looked as if it had been drawn by an artist, full lips, high cheekbones and a well-proportioned chin. Her voice was melodious and sweet and she looked at you with an excited and surprised expression, " He didn't tell me you were so pretty!" 
“Oh, thank you, you are too,” you had said, slightly embarrassed by such kindness. At that point John had held you proudly, as if you were his greatest prize. His arm had wrapped around your waist, and his eyes looked at you lovingly "didn't she? I'm lucky that she married me." 
Danielle had laughed graciously and shook his hand introducing herself, while you and Marcus looked at each other almost studying each other, as if you were both trying to figure out how happy you actually were in your marriages.
That habit of worrying about each other had not gone away; after all, you had been close friends for quite a few years, and your friendship had faded not because of a quarrel, but because of distance and becoming busy adults. And because you had to get over the crush you had on him, of course, but you had never told him that. 
“Well, we have to go now, anyway come and see us if you can. My mother would love to see you again,” Marcus had said before offering to push the cart full of food that his wife had left beside you and start toward the checkouts. 
“We'll try, thank you,” you had nodded. You definitely should have helped your mother, tried to soothe her at least a little from the strain of caring for your father 24/7; you didn't know how much more time would be left for other things. 
You had watched them walk off together from behind, down the canned food aisle where you had retrieved the ready-made cranberry sauce you would never have time to prepare. 
They were a good-looking couple, really, attractive, well-dressed, Danielle looking impeccable in a pair of jeans that bandaged her while highlighting her curves, a red blouse that matched her complexion, and a pair of vertiginous heels on which you didn't even know how to walk. She seemed to do it without any problem. 
“We should go too, honey” John's voice had brought you back down to earth. 
_________________________________________
Once home John had announced to your mother that you had met your old friend at the supermarket, and of course she was thrilled, “Oh, he's such a nice guy, I saw him and his wife the other day walking downtown, they are such a nice couple, aren't they?” 
John had agreed, taking a beer from the fridge “really” 
“Well, like you, of course” your mother had added, looking at you softly. 
And it was true, you were fine with John, he was a good person, a hard worker, he treated you like a princess. What more could you want? 
Yet since you had seen him again, Marcus's face had made room in your mind. The intrigued way he had looked at you, as if trying to understand everything that had happened to you in the years you had not been in touch, the way his arms were reaching out to embrace you when John had arrived, a barely imperceptible movement that only you had noticed because you knew him better than the palm of your hand, the dimple that had popped up on his cheek as he smiled at you, the usual one you had grown to love so much.
You had pinched the bridge of your nose as you tried to drive it from your mind “Are you okay love?” had asked John immediately. 
“Yes, I just have a little headache, I'll get something later,” you had lied, hurrying to put away the rest of the groceries. 
What annoyed you the most was that it seemed like not a single day had passed since you were in your twenties and you had woken up hugging him in the bed of that dingy motel. It was absurd. You had worked so hard to move on and now it felt like you were back where you started. 
You couldn't let that happen, you wouldn't let your marriage be disrupted by a casual 10-minute meeting with him. 
You would not have gone to his house, no matter how much you would have liked to see his mother who had always been so kind to you. 
You had other things to think about anyway; your father was stuck in a hospital bed that you had managed to get him to be more comfortable. He had been put in the guest room on the ground floor, next to the bathroom, he couldn't do the stairs, and it was also easier for your mother to accompany him. The strong and generous man he had been was wearing out before your eyes, and it was a terribly painful image. You knew he had little time left, and you didn't want to waste it chasing the ghosts of the past when you had a husband who was helping you and hugging you every night trying to lessen your pain. 
Your Thanksgiving dinner had been unique to say the least, each of you shuttling from the dining room to your father's to spend some time with him, making sure he had everything he needed, helping him eat and drink. You had marveled at how gentle and patient John was with your dad, the big man you had married, one with two shoulders like a football player, feeding your father fruit jelly almost more gracefully than you. 
You knew how fond he was of your dad, they had hit it off right away, but you didn't know how much he was willing to sacrifice for him. You were moved.
___________________________________________
Your father was gone four days later. You and John were supposed to leave for Boston the next morning instead you had to call in to work, cancel your flight, call your trusty neighbor Marge to ask her to look at your house, pick up your mail, and water your plants. 
You were crushed and at the same time overwhelmed with bureaucracy so you couldn't stop. You had forgotten to eat breakfast that morning, got dressed in a hurry to go to the funeral home to deliver the suit with which you had decided to bury your father, then went to do some paperwork with the insurance company and finally to the church to arrange with the pastor the time of the service and the proceedings. When you left the church you felt an emptiness in your stomach, your head was spinning, you had eaten barely a sandwich in the last two days. 
You knew you were about to collapse, saw a café across the street from the church, and went inside to get a croissant and cappuccino to go. 
When you came out you found yourself in front of Danielle. She was so sorry, of course your mother had informed Marcus's mother and they would be attending the funeral. Danielle hugged you as if you were her sister, telling you that she understood you because she too had lost her father a few years earlier and even though you didn't know each other well you could have called her if you needed anything. 
You had thanked her and headed for the car, locked yourself in and took a couple of minutes to chug your croissant and drink your cappuccino. At least partially regenerated from the late breakfast you had headed back home, where John and your mother were waiting for you.
In the car you had been thinking about how kind Danielle had been and how lucky Marcus was to be with her.
The next day you had put on a sober black suit that you used for the office and probably wouldn't be able to wear again after that day, put on just enough makeup, helped John put on his tie, and headed for church with him and your mom. 
All three of you were exhausted, grieving, trying to hold the pieces together as best you could with each other's help but your dad's absence was hard to bear. You wished you could have woken up and found it had been just a nightmare, you wished you could have hugged him and talked to him and he, as he had always done, would have found the words you needed most.
There was only one other person who could soothe your worries in the same way your dad could, and that person was Marcus. 
John had been able to be there for you anyway, with actions more than words, taking tasks to take away from you, relieving you of burdens you could not carry alone, and for that you were infinitely grateful. He was a good husband. 
After the service, under his arm, you left the church behind your mother. You had lost count of the number of people who had come to hug you, faces you had never seen, work colleagues of your father's whom you had never met, old childhood friends, the church was full of people who had come to remember him fondly. This pleased you, but it was strange to you at the same time. You wished you had some time to yourself, alone, to try to catch your breath and rationalize at least some of what had happened, that blender of emotions that had shaken and sucked you in. 
You had made your way to the cemetery, walking along the path that led to the family grave where your grandparents were buried you had felt like you were in a muffled bubble where everything moved in slow motion, barely sensing John's presence beside you. 
When you had arrived, you had looked up for only a moment and before you had seen Marcus's. You had not noticed his presence in the church, busy as you were with hugging and greeting, you had seen only his mother but he had remained in the background, respecting your grief. Just as you wished others had done. There was nothing more to be said, he always knew what you needed, no matter how many years had passed, he could still read you like an open book just like when at 18 he had realized that your highest aspiration was to become a writer without even the need to make it explicit in words. 
His eyes were swollen and reddened; it was obvious that he was moved. Beside him was Danielle with a pair of dark glasses covering her face, clutching his arm elegantly and dignifiedly. 
You had smiled weakly at him, thanking him with your eyes, and he had smiled back, looking at you with the sweetest, sorriest eyes I had seen that day. 
___________________________________________
You had stayed behind to watch the final burial operations, while John had driven your mother back to the car, who had burst into convulsive tears, crushed by the realization that she had lost forever the man she had loved most in the world. 
You had felt a hand barely graze your shoulder, you had turned around and saw Marcus standing there on the grass “hey” As soon as you had seen him the impulse to hug him had come to you spontaneously, he had welcomed you into his arms, stroking your head, wrapping you against his chest, trying to comfort you. 
Being close to him still felt like home, his warmth immediately made you feel calmer, less alone, and not that John couldn't do that but with Marcus it was different. He had always been different in a way that was impossible to explain but that you felt hammering hard in your heart.
“Thank you,” you had whispered, with the tears you had finally allowed yourself to shed wetting your cheeks and his shirt. 
“Don't mention it,” he had whispered, continuing to hold you close. 
You had lingered a little longer in his embrace before pulling away and asking where Danielle was. 
"She went home with my mom. I stayed in case you needed anything.” 
“It's okay, thank you, there was no need,” you stammered lyingly. Yes you needed him, now more than ever, and he knew it well. 
“Your mother and John?” 
“Aunt Maggie drove them home, they left my mom's car with me.”
“Do you want me to drive?” she had asked and all you could do was nod ”please. But then how are you going to get back?” 
“I'll call Danielle, don't worry” he had encircled your waist with an arm as he walked you to the car. He had opened the door and helped you get in, even buckled your seat belt no matter how hard you had tried to insist you could do it yourself. 
Marcus did not spare himself when it came to caring for others. 
He had climbed up on the driver's side and in a rush had hugged you back, there, inside the car, whispering, “You don't know how sorry I am, baby. Your father was a great man.” 
You had looked at him gratefully, amid tears that had begun to flow profusely again "thank you" 
He had kissed you, right after that. And the instant his lips had rested on yours, you had felt that you could not help yourself no matter how hard you had tried to bury your feelings all those years. There was something inexplicable that united you, a way of understanding each other that needed no words, as if you were made to recognize each other, to see inside each other's souls. You had read in his eyes that day in the supermarket how much he had missed you, and he had read the same in yours, and just before that you had felt the same need to have him near, in spite of John, Danielle, and anything else that told you it was wrong. Deep inside you had always known it was right, you had felt it from the moment you first met him. You had been crowing for years about people talking about soul mates, meetings of destiny, and things like that. But now you knew you had felt it. His soft lips on yours were like honey to your soul, you wished you could sink into that feeling, drown in that sea and never rise again.
You couldn't leave John though. Not after you had built a life together in Boston, not after he had supported and cared for you all those days. Not after all he had done for you. 
As much as it hurt to do so, you pulled away from his lips. “I’ve always thought about you, all these years,” he said. “I’m sorry, you know, I didn’t realize it before, that maybe we could be something more. I never told you, but I remembered that kiss we shared when we were 18 very well.” Marcus was a torrent of words and was saying everything you’d always wanted to hear. “And I remember the night in that motel, too, how you held me in your sleep. I…” You knew he was about to say something like “I love you” “I’ve always loved you,” and so you cut him off. “Marcus.” He paused, his mouth half open as he looked at you in shock. “It’s too late. We can’t. Maybe there was a chance a few years ago, but now? We’re both married, we have responsibilities, we have to be realistic. It’s not fair to Danielle and John. And I have a job and a life in Boston, I can’t just leave everything all of a sudden.”
“But I…” and you knew he was about to say those words again. “Please don’t say that. Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
Marcus had fallen silent, looking down at his hands draped over his lap, and then said sadly, “I understand.”
You had just lost your father and now you were losing him too. It wasn’t fair, but it was the only thing to do. “Take me home, please.” He would have started the car without saying anything, driving to your house without looking at you again, perhaps afraid that he wouldn’t be able to let you go if he ever laid eyes on you again. 
You got out of the car just saying thank you, without hugging him because you knew it would have hurt even more.
____________________________________
2008
When John had told you that you should move to Washington DC, you had not taken it well. You did not want to leave Boston, the bright home where you had begun to build your new life, that city that had welcomed you. Starting all over again somewhere else, in a city you had never been to, seemed too much. 
In the end, however, you had accepted it; leaving John seemed even worse. And he had continued to be a good husband, so you saw no reason to part with him.
After all, he had received a good promotion, he had rented a house where you had found a familiar light again, it had big windows, high ceilings, big rooms. John made good money and had tried to accommodate you in everything. 
He had made it worth it all the way.
You had been struggling a bit to fit into the editorial staff of the new newspaper you had found work for. You were aiming for the Washington Post, but they had totally bounced you, which had been no small disappointment to digest. 
However, after all, your life had regained some meaning. 
It was now six months since you had moved, you hadn't heard from Marcus in eight years. And this time it was not because of distance, but because it had really hurt you to find out that he felt something too but it never seemed to be the right time for you. It would have been in 1993 perhaps, if you had had courage, if you had taken the risk of exploring your feelings together. He hadn't had the guts to tell you anything, you were too afraid, and when you had found common ground it had immediately collapsed. 
John had noticed that something was wrong, even he knew you well enough to know that it pained you not to hear from your friend again, and at times he had even urged you to call him. You had told him that he had said something unpleasant about Danielle while you were in the car and you had felt sorry for her, from there you had started to argue. It was a really boorish excuse and you were pretty sure John hadn't bought it but had played it off for the sake of quiet life. 
“Can you stop by the bank to deposit this check this morning?” he had told you that morning before leaving the house. You were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and enjoying your day off. 
“Sure,” you had answered him, ”I'll go there before I go to the laundry to pick up my dress for tonight.” 
“Mmm the burgundy dress with that dizzying neckline?” he had told you as he leaned over to give you a kiss 
“Just that one” you had smiled as you returned the kiss and caressed his cheek ”you like it huh?”
“I'm looking forward to tonight” he had chuckled before leaving the house with his briefcase ”I'll be home at 7 o'clock okay?”
“Perfect, I'll be ready” you had thrown him a kiss and then curled up in your chair, finishing your coffee and admiring the view of the waking city outside. 
It was your anniversary, and he was going to take you to dinner at a French restaurant you had heard about in enthusiastic tones from your discerning colleague who was a food and wine critic. 
You had dressed quietly, gone out to do your chores, had a manicure appointment, then gone to pick up your dress at the dry cleaners and finally to the bank. 
As soon as you had left the bank you had bumped into a guy. 
You had looked up and been stunned. 
Marcus.
How was that possible? 
“Oh shit,” he had exclaimed.
His hair was slightly longer, he had grown a mustache and a beard but it was him, there was no doubt about it, you would have recognized him in a thousand. 
"What are you doing here?" you had asked him, widening your eyes, without a hello or how are you or anything else, you were too shocked. 
He was the last person you expected to see on your anniversary. 
Marcus had brushed his hand behind his neck, the gesture he always made when he was embarrassed “I got a big promotion” in a tone as if to apologize for existing in the same state as you, in the same city as you, for coexisting in the same environment as you.
“Whatever...I have to go, anyway, have a nice life,” you had tried to say quickly, to disengage yourself from that surreal situation. 
You had already turned your back on him when you heard him say “no wait...please...would you like to have a cup of coffee?”
You had turned silently to look at him. He couldn't have been serious. Yet he was.
And looking into those big brown pleading eyes, for some reason you had not been able to say no.
“All right,” you had replied with a shrug, ”I'll give you half an hour, then I'll have to go home.”
You went to sit in a café around the corner and ordered a cappuccino.
"So how are you?" you asked absentmindedly. 
“Danielle and I broke up last spring.” 
“Oh. I'm sorry.” It was like a blade through the chest to hear his voice again, to hear him say that he was single again and that his marriage was over. Somehow it made you feel guilty even though after eight years it was unlikely that the main reason for their breakup was you. 
“Yeah...she wanted children and for a while we tried but...” 
“Marcus please, I don't care, it's your business because it's over,” you cut off. 
You didn't have to get involved again. When you had thought back to your father's death and how he had confessed right afterwards you had been angry with him. Why had he done it at that time when you were so particularly vulnerable? It wasn't fair. 
"Sorry I-" he had babbled.  
“Never mind, never mind,” you had interrupted him again with a hand gesture. “Look, let's talk straight once and for all” you didn't know where all that aggression was coming from but it was growing inside you inexorably, like an infection ”why the hell are we here?” 
He had lowered his gaze to his cappuccino, then brought it back to you and stared at you in a way that made you feel naked and helpless. He still had an effect on you, and it pissed you off. “I miss you,” he had admitted under his breath, ”I miss talking to you and I miss having you around. I miss everything about you. When I saw you I couldn't believe it. But I know I can't let you leave without clearing things up.” 
“There's nothing left to clear up. It's over Marcus, can't you see that? There was never a right time for us.” 
“That's not true, I-” 
“Stop it! Look, I'm trying to live my life, you do it too,” you had screeched
“But-” 
“No 'buts'... Marcus, I'm tired. I'm tired of this running into each other and don't tell me it's fate because it's just pure randomness. John was transferred for work, now we live here, end of story. I'm still with him, okay? And I'm happy, so please leave me alone.” 
You could see his clenched fist on the coffee table, his eyes glazed with tears, his Adam's apple jumping as you mentioned John. He looked devastated. It was no longer your business anyway, so you had gotten up and made to leave, leaving a bill on the coffee table. “Don't look for me anymore.” 
Marcus had jumped up, his chair had fallen back crashing onto the pavement, and he didn't even seem to notice as he tried to stop you.
“Please” he had grabbed you by the sleeve of his jacket ”please.” 
You had turned back to him and looking into his eyes you had seen the little boy who asked you if he would ever be famous, the one who helped you with your homework, the 20-year-old who had involved you in the craziest vacation of your life, and then the adult who had broken your heart. 
“No.” you had whispered, ”no fucking way.” 
Marcus' face was a grimace of pain, as if in physical pain from your rejection, his shoulders hunched and his hand not letting go of you. He was pathetic and sweet at the same time.
His eyes were fixed in yours as he told you loud and clear, “I love you.”
I love you. 
You had longed to hear it come from his lips for so long that now it was like a lash that burned against your skin. You had stopped feeling like you were glued to the sidewalk, unable to take a step forward “What the hell! Did you have to tell me that? Was it necessary after I told you that I am still with my husband? Fuck, your timing is the worst thing ever. Do you know what day it is today? My wedding anniversary.” you had thrown up words at him angrily, feeling a knot in your stomach that nauseated you. 
“I don't want anything from you,” he had replied, his voice trembling, ”I just wanted you to know.”
“And now that I know according to you what have we solved? What have we gained? I'll tell you, absolutely nothing Marcus.” 
You had turned around and left, yelling at him, “I'll tell you again, don't ever look for me.” 
You had come home and taken a long hot bath, cried your last tears for him, and then decided it was John you had to think about, your special day. Marcus wasn't going to ruin it for you. You had prepared yourself carefully, put on the dress he liked so much, your favorite perfume, and waited for John. When he had come home you had driven out to a restaurant, had had a delicious dinner, sex as soon as you got home, and fallen asleep in his arms feeling that it was right. 
___________________________________
2010
“Love don't wait up for me, I'll be back late. I am so sorry, I love you.” 
It was already the fourth time in a week that he sent you such a message, by now John spent more time in the office than anywhere else. He had been given another promotion and was now mainly in charge of foreign exchanges, so he went to the office at impossible hours, came back later and later, and you barely saw him in the morning getting out of bed to jump in the shower. You hadn't had sex for at least a month, in those days you had talked more often with the mailman than with your husband.
Finally a publishing house had noticed you and they had published your book, you had gotten a chance to continue working for the newspaper by writing your articles from home so you could work on your second novel. 
You had huffed, looking at the screen, by now you were going to your friends' dinners alone, in those two years you had bonded with some couples in your neighborhood, and with a colleague from the newspaper and her husband. Every time you had been invited in the last three months John had declined, saying he had to work. 
You were beginning to feel really alone in your marriage, but you knew you had to try something. You still cared about John; you didn't want everything you had built together to be ruined. Sure, since he was earning more money he was showering you with unexpected and expensive gifts that certainly didn't make up for his absence, though. You had never been a materialistic person, no matter how beautiful the diamond bracelets and pearl necklaces and expensive shoes were, you missed falling asleep cuddled with your husband, feeling his caresses, having breakfast with him in the morning, spending a weekend together on the couch watching TV cuddling, simply spending time with him. For the past few weeks you had failed to write a word, you had hastily completed articles for the newspaper just to meet deadlines but your novel had stalled. You were busy cleaning to take your mind off things, you had joined the gym to force yourself to leave the house but then you would go back and find yourself spending entire evenings lounging around, not knowing what else to do. 
You had decided that night that you had to take matters into your own hands, put on a pretty dress, fixed your hair and make-up thoroughly, and then went out with the intention of surprising him. You were going to bring him his favorite dishes from your favorite Chinese restaurant to the office. 
When you had arrived at his workplace, you had looked up from the car window and seen the light on in his office. 
You had come down loaded with Chinese noodles and dumplings, and as you walked toward the entrance you had noticed his car parked not far away. 
You had taken the elevator with your heart in your throat, looking forward to seeing his happy face as he enjoyed a hot meal. The elevator had opened on the floor and you had started down the hallway leading to his office. There was no one there, everything was quiet and still, but the closer you got to his office the more you heard strange noises. Bellowing, hushed voices. 
The door was pulled over, you had pushed it slightly, and the scene that unfolded before your eyes was unsettling. 
Veronica, a married colleague of him whom you had met at the firm's Christmas party a few months earlier, was bent over John's desk, her skirt up, her panties down, her long legs covered by black hold-ups, her stilettos sinking into the Persian carpet under John's desk. And your husband holding her hips and sinking into her from behind. 
His shirt was hanging off his shoulders, his hair was disheveled, his neck tense and sweaty, as he stood there with his cool wool pants down, fucking his colleague. 
He grunted some words that you had never heard him say when you were having sex “Yeah, bitch, you like that huh? You like getting pounded by my cock huh? You're such a dirty slut, do you feel how wet you are for me?" 
You couldn't believe your eyes. Your sweet husband, the one who had stood by you so devotedly…where had that man gone? 
You dropped the bag with the Chinese dinner on the floor, the boxes had opened, and the noodles had spread all over the hardwood floor. “What the fuck?!”
John had turned around shocked, still with his cock inside his coworker “Oh shit. No, wait, honey I-” he had stepped out of her and tried to pull up his pants awkwardly ”please-fuck-I can explain.” 
“There's nothing to explain, you piece of shit!” you had yelled at him as he approached trying to stammer out some stupid excuse and had slapped him open-handed across the face as soon as he got in front of you ‘don't bother coming home’ you had added contemptuously.
“But love I-” he had pranced rubbing his cheek ”please-” 
“NO!” You had yelled “No, I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses, I don't want anything more to do with you, you disgust me!”
Veronica was standing in the corner buttoning her blouse and pulling down her skirt without meeting your gaze, her face hot and guilty.
Everything that you had sacrificed for that relationship, how you had followed him and reinvented your life for him, adapting to his needs, trying to build a happy nest for the two of you in Washington, all had been swept away. He had stomped on your marriage, your trust, your heart. 
You had driven home crying, risking missing a red light, had nailed down at the last moment with your heart bouncing inside your chest like a jackhammer. You had walked into the house throwing your purse and coat on the floor, throwing your shoes in the middle of the hallway and throwing yourself on the bed, hiding your face in the pillow with your head bursting, a sense of helplessness and defeat enveloping your temples, your chest, your stomach. 
It was over.
John had never come home, you had learned through his lawyer that he had rented an apartment near his office, and a week later he sent three big guys from a moving company to pick up his things.
You couldn't stay in that house anymore. Everything reminded you of him, the lies he had been telling you for months and what was even worse, all the happy moments you had lived in there in spite of yourself. 
You were dragging yourself from room to room without strength, you hadn't written anything anymore, you had told the editor of the newspaper that you were sick to have an excuse to delay the deadlines for your articles. 
You were tired, you were angry, you lacked the will to do anything, after three days without seeing you leave the house your friend Denise, who lived across the street had called you alarmed to see if you were all right, and hearing your dejected, fading voice had decided to use the keys you had given her in case of an emergency to come and check on you in person. 
You had not been able to lie to her; you had burst into tears and told her everything as soon as she asked you where John was. 
From that day she had been by every day bringing you dinner, making sure you ate, forcing you to shower, tidying up. You didn't know what you had done to deserve Denise in your life but you were incredibly grateful that she was there. 
Gradually you had forced yourself to take charge of your life again, started going out again pushed by your friends and even moved house, encouraged by them. You couldn't turn over a new leaf without getting out of there. 
And you had especially realized that you could walk with your head held high; you were not the one who had to be ashamed. 
And looking back on it, you had really overcome a lot in the last few years. The loss of your father, Marcus, your husband. All the men who had meant something to you in your life. 
You could have been proud that you did your best to stay on your feet. 
________________________________________________________
2011 
It had been a year since you had discovered John screwing his colleague.
You had tried dating men, without success, but things were going very well professionally. You had finally managed to finish your second book, and the publisher had been extremely pleased, so much so that he had arranged a series of meetings for you at bookstores around the country.  You had just returned from Ohio when you got a call from your mother inviting you for Christmas.
You had no desire to return to Sacramento, but how could you say no to your mom? She was left alone and it had not been easy for her. Your aunt and uncle lived nearby and took care of her but she had said she missed you a lot.
And she was so proud of you, she had asked you for copies of your books to give to all her friends, she was your biggest fan. You were happy to see her and spend time with her. 
And so, there you were at the airport, with a big suitcase, ready to get on yet another plane and fly across the country. 
You had just gotten an upgrade to business class and were in the private lounge of the area airline ordering yourself a martini when you heard a familiar voice behind you calling your name. 
Marcus. Again. 
“I swear I'm not following you,” he had raised his hands in surrender. 
“I know. I haven't seen you in three years, and we live in the same town.”
You had smiled; it wasn't bad to see his face again after all. 
“Martini?” He had asked pointing to your glass 
“Yeah. Can you please make another one?” You had said turning toward the bartender. 
You had sat at a small table with your cocktails “Are you going to see your mother?”
You had nodded, “You too?” 
“Yes, my parents were very insistent. Where is John?” 
“I have no idea,” you had squeezed into your shoulders taking a sip of your martini. 
“Oh, did you break up? I'm sorry, he seemed like a good man,” he had said.
“Apparently he wasn't since he was cheating on me with one of his colleagues.” 
“You should have better judgment anyway, aren't you a detective?” you had asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at him wryly 
Marcus had burst out laughing, “You're right, I should.”
And he had told you about the time he had fallen in love with someone named Teresa, a colleague of his, and had been left like a poor idiot the previous year, without realizing that she was in love with someone else. 
“It wasn't your fault, you know,” you told him sweetly, ”I know how you get when you have a crush.” 
“How do I become?” he had asked you with a sigh.
And you had replied with a smirk “Well, if you must know...naive, head in the clouds, like you live in a world of unicorns and fairies” 
“Really? A ridiculous clown? Is that what I become?” he had chuckled and then turned serious again ”Not with you, I hope”
You had laughed, you could have laughed at that point. Or maybe it was just the martini clouding your mind. 
“Whatever,” you had rolled your eyes. 
“Well, I'm sorry,” he had muttered.
“It's okay” you had smiled ”Really.”
At that moment they had announced boarding for your flight, so you had hurried to the gate together. 
You were both in business, so eventually you had sat next to each other and continued chatting. 
And it was nice, really nice. You were both single, more aware, you had reached an age where you could be honest with yourselves and you could joke about your dramas. 
“So you had noticed that I had hugged you that night huh?” 
“Sure. You pounced on me in my sleep and woke me up. I didn't want to embarrass you so I played it cool” she had smiled ”I thought you were sleepwalking and dreaming of hugging Keanu Reeves or whatever.” 
You had burst out in the loudest laugh you had had in years and then covered your mouth embarrassed that you had disturbed the other passengers. Fortunately those in your vicinity all had headphones on and were watching a movie. 
“Oh, come on” you had tapped his shoulder and then taken by you don't know what courage-probably the second martini you were downing-you had said ”the only one I dreamed of hugging was you.” 
“I didn't realize this until later...Now is there anyone you would like to hug by any chance?” he had whispered in your ear.
“Actually...yes” 
And there, in that plane, you kissed. For the first time without hindrance, without remorse, without drama, without fear. “I love you” he had whispered on your lips, and you had responded, finally free to say it ”I love you too.”
“So we'll try this time?” he had caressed your cheek, sliding his hand down your neck. 
“Yes” You had said ”definitely yes.”
“Your mother will be delighted” he had smiled, kissing you again “it's going to be a great Christmas.”
“Well, Merry Christman then” you whispered as your mouth moved down his neck.
“Merry Christmas, baby”
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Christmas Reconciliation
In case anyone was wondering how Buck and Tommy's Christmas is going today 😆🥰
****
The warm glow of Christmas morning filled Maddie and Chim's living room. Buck sank into the couch, surrounded by the aftermath of gift-opening chaos, crumpled wrapping paper littering the floor
Jee Yun sat cross-legged on the floor, completely absorbed in her new toys.
"Hey, little brother. You doing ok?" Maddie asked, her voice soft with sisterly concern.
"Oh uh yeah. It's Christmas. Why wouldn't I be?" Buck responded, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
"Buck," Maddie said in a warning tone. "You're staring at that phone awfully hard. What's up?"
"Connor sent me a Christmas text with a picture of him, Kameron, and Simon," Buck said, holding out his phone and showing the image to Maddie.
"Wow, he really does look a lot like you," Maddie observed, taking in the details of the photograph.
"Yeah, he does," Buck agreed. His voice softened, tinged with a deep, aching sadness. "I guess I'm just feeling jealous. I want that. I want to be a Dad on Christmas morning. I want to make Christmas breakfast and wear matching Christmas pajamas."
He paused, his eyes distant. "I saw that future. I could see it as clear as day. Me and Tommy snuggled up on the couch with two kids, drinking hot cocoa and watching a fire burn in the fireplace. And now? My future is just a blank slate."
"Maybe that's a good thing?" Maddie offered gently. "Full of possibilities."
"I don't want possibilities," Buck said, his voice trembling with raw emotion. "I want Tommy."
"Oh, Buck," Maddie said, pulling him into a hug.
She caught Chimney's eyes over Buck's head and nodded.
Buck let himself be held by his sister for a few more minutes before standing and taking a deep breath. "Okay, that's enough of that. It's time to ice my cinnamon rolls." He headed to the kitchen and fell into his chosen form of distraction. His focus was so complete he nearly missed the knock on the door.
"Hey, Buck?" Chim called out, a hint of something suspiciously like excitement in his voice. "I think Santa had one more gift for you today."
Buck wiped his hands on a dish towel, a puzzled look crossing his face as he walked toward the door.
"Tommy," Buck whispered.
"Merry Christmas, Evan. Can we talk?"
Buck nodded, unable to form words. Tommy looked worn and tired but still devastatingly handsome. Buck's heart skipped a beat as he looked into those deep blue eyes.
"Why don't you two go have a chat on the patio?" Maddie said.
"Thanks, Maddie," Tommy replied. He and Buck walked through the house and out the back door, the weight of unspoken words hanging between them.
"Why are you here, Tommy?" Buck asked, the words coming out more harshly than he meant for them to.
"I miss you," Tommy whispered.
"What?" Buck said, confusion and hope warring in his voice.
"I miss you, Evan. I miss you. I miss you so damn much that it hurts. I'm not sleeping, I'm barely eating. My captain even temporarily pulled me from air support because he said I'm not safe to fly in this condition." Tommy took in a deep, ragged breath. "I am so sorry that I broke us."
"Then why? Why did you do it? Why did you leave me? I wanted it all with you. I was willing to give you everything, and you just walked away," Buck said, his voice a mixture of pain and desperation.
"You don't know me, Evan. Not really," Tommy said, vulnerability seeping through his defensive words.
"And whose fault is that?" Buck challenged. "I want to know you. All of you. Not just the shiny cool guy that you let the world see. I want it all. And there were times that you trusted me enough to show me glimpses."
"I'm a mess," Tommy murmured.
"Hello! Have you met me?" Buck replied, a hint of humor breaking through the tension. "I don't care about that. You were my mess. We were each other's messes."
"Do you think there's any chance-" Tommy trailed off, leaving the possibility hanging between them.
"You're it for me, Tommy, and I'm sorry if that scares you, but it's true. I love you, and you are my endgame. Do you think maybe you can try to see me as yours?" Buck said, his eyes filling with tears.
"Oh, baby," Tommy said, gently wiping away the tears as they began to spill down Buck's cheeks. "I love you too, and I am never letting you go again."
They kissed gently at first, but then with more heat, pouring out everything they had been holding back.
"Ahem," The two men broke apart as Chimney appeared in the doorway, a knowing smile on his face.
"Now that that's all settled. How about some Christmas breakfast?"
They grinned as Buck grabbed Tommy's hand intertwining their fingers, and steered him inside.
They still had lots of work to do to repair the cracks in their relationship, but it was a start. And Buck knew that they were just going to get stronger because they were in love - messy, complicated, beautiful love, actually.
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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 2 days ago
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I can't donate right now but I just have to say how much it warms my heart to see what the Lou/Bucktommy/9-1-1 fandom is doing right now. I didn't know till like ten minutes ago but this is so freaking cool
I've seen some other people sharing how it's important to them so I figured I'd throw a bit in myself.
This year has been pretty good for me. There's always rough stuff, but it is what it is. Then, due to some outside circumstances, I ended up way more isolated and lonely than usual. The other place I saw friends became more and more stressful, and I had no place to relax. Except at home, in the evenings, especially when I was watching my shows.
I attached to Bucktommy, hard. I don't truly know why, maybe it was Buck being bisexual and me seeing myself in him, or how sweet they are, or their story, or their acting, or even the hate they received. I don't know. I fell in love with them, and it devastated me when they broke up. I kept watching, I still enjoy 9-1-1. But after everything I'd been going through, including having walking pneumonia at the time, it was rough. I was shocked and angry and sad and already missing them and I was tired. But this community. This freaking community xd.
I go into the tag in the next few days? It's hoping for a helicopter crash, it's jokes, it's a lot of pregnancy lol. It was a bunch of people all going through sucky stuff, and going through sucky stuff with fictional characters too, but still just hanging out and making it worth it. I don't usually make a lot of close one-on-one friends with people in specific fandoms. But even though I don't personally talk to people a lot, I am so happy to be around you guys. I've admired from afar (and been happy with that), chatted about things, related to jumping over to S.W.A.T., been welcomed, participated in a gift exchange (which I haven't done in literal years, since my first fandom on Tumblr)! These characters, this storyline, this relationship, have built a wonderful community that I am so grateful to be a part of. And never have I been prouder than now. You guys are such wonderful people and you're doing such a wonderful thing with these donations.
Everyone who can, I recommend donating to The Trevor Project. I can't personally, but I love seeing what everyone's doing.
Also, I'd like to thank Lou for everything he did with Tommy. I'm so glad Tommy stole my heart, because now I watch S.W.A.T. for Lou and I've seen how much he cares about us and us caring about Tommy. I'm glad we all made sure he knew how much we love Tommy and him :).
Thanks for being amazing guys. Merry Christmas <3.
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grlsbstshot · 10 hours ago
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NEON LIGHTS
Pairing (Original Characters):
Jameson Lucas (Aaron Pierre) x Imani St. Cirie (Megan thee Stallion) Genie Adesanya (Jayme Lawson) x Ellington “EJ” Dupree (Kelvin Harrison Jr.)
Chapters:
Neon Lights Masterlist
Chapter Synopsis: jameson deals with the consequences of the many disappointments he's given imani over the years. sloane continues to unravel and only Christian realizes. genie and ej take another step in their relationship while imani wonders if she and jameson are worth saving.
Warnings: smut (18+), toxic relationship, emotional breakdown, explicit terminology, dirty talk (kinda), dd/lg (slight), dom/submissive sex scene, p in v, oral (male receiving), biting -- if we missed anything, let us know!
Word Count: 8.4k Divider Template: @cafekitsune
Notes: 
The following characters are original creations. Their voice claims are Usher / Lucky Daye (Jameson) & Summer Walker / SZA (Imani). We have no affiliation to any of those artists.
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Jameson stepped out of the elevator, brushing past stilted bodies as he made his way towards the parking garage. He had called Imani six times since leaving Sloane's apartment but there was no response. He scrolled past all the texts, all the notifications, and rejected several other calls. The only person he wanted to talk to was her. He got the voicemail again and the realization that she wanted nothing to do with him set in. He strode to his car, his jaw clenched. By the time he slid into the front seat, he was determined. He'd just go to her house. Even if he had to talk to her through the damn intercom at her front gate, he'd do it.
With a plan in mind, Jameson turned the car on and prepared to leave...but his gaze strayed to the phone in his hand. Common sense told him not to do it but he did. He went back to EJ's text and clicked the link to the music. Even as her voice filtered in through his car speakers, he didn't quite accept that it was her. It'd been so long since he'd heard music from her. Even her voice sounded different.
The untrained ear probably didn't hear it but Jameson did. He heard the anger, the loathing. She used to sing about him with exasperation but always love. Everything they sang about one another held an understanding -- they loved each other. He couldn't hear it anymore. Her lyrics were vivid, each word painting a picture of the love they’d shared and the ways it had fallen apart. He could hear the anger in her tone, the bitterness laced with sadness. The despair mingled with hope. Fuck.
I get this type of feeling you ain't accustomed to I swear I'd be at peace if it weren't for you
He winced the first time he got a shot on the project. They had done it back and forth to one another but she sounded fucking miserable with him. It was like he could pinpoint every single time she touched pen to paper and wrote a lyric that was about their relationship.
I don't care about what you seen in me You were not who you pretend to be I will regret giving my last, man I should've let you crash out Can't believe you blaming me
Every situation flashed right before his eyes. Argument after argument that leads to making up.
Trying to find, you're my blindspot, it's fine niggas Ruin me every single time
The first time they saw each other after a year -- when she made him swear not to make her any promises so she could avoid being disappointed.
You know we got a real history That's no reason I can't choose me You know that dick been good to me You make it hard for me to choose me Dancing and kissing, the kitchen Makes me forget, I forgive him
The morning after they returned from Italy -- when everything seemed to be on an upswing for them.
That pussy hit like royalty Must be hard for you to lose me
The frantic texts and calls that he couldn't stop himself from making. That he didn't want to stop.
Text me like I'm waitin' for you to come lie to me Ruin my day, sayin' shit to hurt me, I can't compete Still on the way, I lay awake if you're not around me I'm so on to you, still gone for you
God, why did she stay with him? Three years together. A year apart. She still gave him the chance to come back even though that was how he made her feel.
You don't wanna be, be without me You don't wanna live I don't wanna go, ooh, no I don't wanna be alone, oh All that I know is mirrors inside me They recognize you, please don't deny me
It was true. He didn't want to live without her. But how was he ever supposed to go back to her with this knot in his gut? How was he supposed to lay next to her at night knowing he drained and twisted her up inside like this? Even without trying? She had every right to hate him and she knew it. In those lyrics, it told their whole story. She wanted to hate him...but couldn't.
He hadn't even realized he was driving until he came to a stop...at his own house. Even his subconscious knew he couldn't face Imani right then. What was he going to say? I'm sorry. I was wrong. I fucked up again. I hurt you again. Look away, forgive me again. It sounded hollow as fuck even in his head. He didn't have the right to ask for any of it.
He hadn’t just hurt her a few times -- he’d broken their relationship in ways he couldn’t even comprehend. She’d poured her pain into this music, and the world was celebrating it, but all he could hear was the sound of her heart-shattering and it was his fault. So he sat there in his punishment, listening over and over. For the first time, he wasn’t thinking about what he’d lost. He was thinking about what he’d taken from her — and how he’d never be able to give it back.
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Her entire body felt like it was in shock. She felt numb. The carefully planned dinner she'd prepared for Jameson had spiraled out of control. She didn't even remember breaking dishes but they sat in shattered pieces around her as she leaned against her front door. How could he just leave her? He wasn't supposed to leave! He was supposed to appreciate her and be happy she was there for him. He was supposed to see true loyalty from her. But somehow...it had all fallen apart.
Sloane’s hands trembled as she slowly crawled across the floor, avoiding slivers of shattered plates. By the time she had enough awareness to climb to her feet, she realized she needed her phone. She searched the room, finding it underneath the couch. In the chaos, it had slipped away. It trembled in her hands as she tried to decide who to call.
She was sad. Hurting. Who was she supposed to call? Her parents? They didn't care. Genie? She had tossed that friendship away. Jameson? Her heart clenched at the idea of calling him and going to voicemail. She sat on her couch, holding the phone to her chest before it dawned on her. She wiped her damp palms on her skirt as she called the contact and the phone rang. Her chest felt tighter, her breaths shallow and uneven.
When his voice finally came through the line, her relief was overshadowed by desperation. "C-Come over,” she said quickly, her voice cracking. “I need you here. Please.” She hung up before he could respond, her pulse racing. She sank onto the couch, running her fingers through her hair, tugging at the strands in frustration.
By the time Christian arrived, her makeup was streaked from tears she hadn’t even realized she’d shed. He stepped inside, his usual confident demeanor faltering when he saw her.
“Sloane,” he said softly, shutting the door behind him. “What the fuck happened?”
She stood, her movements frantic, and began pacing again. “He said he's done with me. Jameson — he ended everything. Our friendship, everything. He called me out for all of it—for hurting Genie, for you, for everything I’ve done.”
Christian frowned, his concern evident. “Okay, slow down. Take a breath. What exactly did he say?”
Sloane stopped pacing, turning to face him. “He asked if I fucked you. I told him it was a mistake. He didn't even care that I slept with you. He cared that it hurt Genie. He didn't even care about me." Her voice trailed off, mumbling as she dissolved into tears again. "That I’ve ruined too much, and he can’t trust me anymore. "He looked at me like I was disgusting, Christian. Like I was nothing.” Her voice broke on the last word, and she wrapped her arms around herself.
Christian approached her cautiously, his tone gentle. “I need you to calm down. C'mon, sit down. I'll get you some water." Sloane's movements were jerky and she couldn't get herself to stop shaking. Christian took her arm firmly, guiding her to sit back down. "Don't move."
For once, Sloane didn't argue or ignore him. She sat there and stared at the ceiling, the past few years hitting her hard. When he brought the glass back to her and took a seat next to her, she was in tears again. “I don't know --" she began, shifting her gaze to find his. "I don’t know who I am without him.”
Christian’s jaw tightened, his sympathy battling with his frustration. “You lived a life before Jameson Lucas smiled at you. You'll be fine without him. Just...stop digging yourself deeper."
She pulled away from him, her movements sharp, gaze darting to her phone on the coffee table. “I don’t know. I just… I need him to feel what I’m feeling. To know how much this hurts.”
“Revenge isn’t going to make this better. It’s just going to make things worse for you and for him -- not that I give a fuck about him.” “It’s not revenge. It’s justice." "So you fuck with him some more. You think that'll make him love you?" "I...I don't know how to get him back." "What if you never do. What are you going to do?"
Sloane hesitated and Christian rolled his eyes. “Wake up. No matter what you do -- he won't be yours. But the sun is going to come up tomorrow, Sloane. The world will keep on turning. Life will continue. You will continue."
Fresh tears filled her eyes again and she doubled over, laying on the couch and crying softly to herself. She was alone. She didn't even notice Christian sitting next to her, his fingers awkwardly brushing through her hair as she cried.
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EJ snored against her chest as the light from her cell illuminated her bedroom. Genie pressed her hand to his back, rubbing in small circles as she continued to text Imani back. The two hadn't seen each other in person but Genie finally found the words to tell her she wasn't upset about the photo. their friendship immediately shifted back into normalcy -- with the two texting and calling regularly. Despite the massive Jameson-shaped elephant in the room.
After listening to Imani's EP, Genie couldn't help but interfere. Even when she told EJ she wouldn't.
[ genie ] : i loved diary, mani mani ❤️ [ baby mama ❤️ ] : aw my genie. thank you [ genie ] : i promise to smack jamie's neck again when i see him [ baby mama ❤️ ] : lmao, you ain't gotta do that, baby [ genie ] : are you just going to keep avoiding him forever? [ baby mama ❤️ ] : idk, genie. i'm not ready to talk to him yet. [ genie ] : i think you should hear him out, mani. he's really sorry [ baby mama ❤️ ] : 🙄 that's the problem. he's always fuckin sorry. it's sloane today, but next week, it'll be some other shit. [ genie ] : but you love him. you haven't loved anyone the way that you love him. i think you should at least hear him out [ baby mama ❤️ ] : i can't make no promises, genie 🙅🏾‍♀️ [ genie ] : okay, okay. i guess i'll take it. there is something else i have to tell you tho...it's about christian and me. [ baby mama ❤️  ] : what? i promise those pics ain't mean shit. i just wanted to make jameson jealous. [ genie ] : i know, i just want you to be careful with him .the reason why i stopped talking to him is because he slept with sloane. [ baby mama ❤️ ] : wtf??? 😡 you lyin! [ genie ] : i wish i was. i confronted sloane and she said he didn't even want me anyways...he liked someone else. i'm starting to think it's you he wanted. [ baby mama ❤️ ] : fuck, i'm so sorry genie. that nigga wouldn't even got a chance to breathe my air if i knew that shit. he's blocked now! and if i catch that bitch sloane in the street, i'm whooping her ass. i promise you that. idgaf bout no fame shit. [ baby mama ❤️  ] : are you okay now? [ genie ] : yeah, it's in the past. i got a new man now. [ baby mama ❤️  ] : ....new man?
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Imani stood in front of the mirror, adjusting the strap of her dress, her gaze drifting the length of her gown. Being in front of crowds didn't phase her but she was going to a charity event -- a Christmas day gala. After spending the morning with visiting friends and family, she felt a sense of calm. He didn't stand in the forefront of her mind on Christmas Day. But the second she counted him out of her system, he course he did something to show her that he was still embedded in her skin.
As she descended the stairs to show off her dress to the assembled relatives, Imani rounded the corner with a bright grin. "And I look damn good!" There he stood among her cousins and aunt -- her father glaring from a corner. He looked handsome, quietly composed. He acted like he was supposed to be there. "What are you doing here?" she asked him, ignoring the curious looks of her family members.
She hadn’t expected him to show up tonight. Not after everything that had happened between them. But when he’d agreed weeks ago to escort her to the gala, she had assumed it was just a polite gesture— he was doing his best to get back in her good book. She hadn’t expected him to actually follow through.
And yet, here he was in a perfectly tailored tuxedo, standing with his hands in his pockets, leaning against her kitchen counter.
"We made plans," he replied, his voice warm, but with an edge of determination. “I wanted to keep them.”
She hesitated, eyes flicking over him, then around the room to everyone else. It wasn't as if they weren't aware of what was going on. They all saw the gossip, heard the news. But still -- she felt vulnerable letting them all have a front row seat to a fight with him. "Hmph. They definitely weren't still on." She hadn’t thought about what this night would actually feel like. It had been easy to imagine herself attending the gala without him—easy to picture her life moving forward without the constant ache of their broken relationship. But now that he was standing in front of her, it was harder to push him away.
"They aren't?" He asked with a deceptively innocent tilt to his head. "I didn't get that message from you. I'm sorry."
He was practically bating her into a reply. Imani glared at him, choosing to ignore his presence. She didn't respond, didn't say anything. She continued to fawn over her family, acting like Jameson wasn't there at all. They took pictures together, she tasted her aunty's dressing, and she kissed her parents goodbye before her team between to help her get into her driver's waiting car.
Jameson didn't complain, didn't beg for her attention. He stood silent and eventually followed her out of the house, waving goodbye to the family members that did engage with him.
She sighed, looking away from him. The thought of spending the evening with him, surrounded by people who would notice their tension, made her stomach churn. But something in her wouldn't let him win. They couldn't see her fluster or sweat when it came to him She had to admit, part of her wanted to go. Part of her wanted to see if this night could somehow undo all the hurt they’d caused each other.
“Mani,” he said, once he got into the car, his voice low and insistent. “We don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. But we can still do this. For one night. Let’s just...take things as they are.”
She met his gaze then, and for a moment, the weight of everything between them seemed to disappear. It was just him. Just her. And the night ahead of them.
“Fine,” she said, crisply. “But I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for me.”
He smiled and she saw a flicker of something in his eyes. Relief? Grief? It was something she couldn't identify. Every time he looked at her, it was as if he was asking for something. Whatever it was -- Imani didn't know if she had it in herself to give.
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Sloane adjusted the strap of her Brandon Maxwell gown, a trembling hand brushing against her hair as she peered at her reflection in the tinted window of the car. Pulling herself together after Jameson left her alone in her apartment had been difficult. Christian had been a frantic last resort. He had shown up when she didn’t truly expect him to. She spent days in a daze, trying to truly understand what had gone wrong. The instinct to say something, to lash out was so strong that it felt suffocating. She’d been doomscrolling on Instagram and saw a grainy image of – was that Jameson?
It had been him. An image, taken from the account of one of Imani’s family members and posted directly to This Just In’s account. Seeing they were together had given Sloane some kind of strength. How dare they be happy when she was struggling? Her heels clicked against the pavement as she left the car and made her way towards the gala without an invitation. Sloane had a currency that mattered more than paper: Her name.
Heads turned as she passed, her presence commanding attention. But she wasn’t there to charm or distract – she was there to destroy. She didn’t even care what Imani would say or do to her. Just as long as Jameson’s gaze met her own again. Even if he was looking at her like he hated her – at least he was looking at her.
With a laugh and a promise to donate three times the amount as anyone else, she was allowed to enter. She saw him almost immediately. Imani wasn’t far but they weren’t wrapped up in each other. They weren’t laughing at her pain. They looked…miserable. It should have made her happy but Sloane simply stared, wondering what was happening between them. Imani didn’t meet Jameson’s gaze, Jameson kept tugging on his suit like he was uncomfortable. What was going on?
“Sloane.”
She turned sharply, her eyes narrowing as she met Christian’s gaze. He was impeccably dressed, as always, but there was a sadness in his expression that she didn’t expect.
“What are you doing here?” she hissed at him, somewhat ashamed that he had seen her cry a few days before and now he was looking at her with pity. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“It has everything to do with me,” Christian said firmly, stepping closer. “You’re spiraling, and you’re about to make a fool of yourself—and everyone else in the process.”
Sloane scoffed, frowning as she moved away from him. “You don’t get to lecture me, Christian. You’re just as complicit in this mess as I am.”
“Yeah, I am,” he admitted, his voice low and steady. “I’m stuck in this shit because I wanted somebody so bad that I lost myself trying to get her. Look at her. Hell, look at him. Just look!”
Sloane reluctantly looked across the room. Jameson was gazing out at the crowd, his eyes seeing but he didn’t seem to be registering anybody around. Imani was looking at him. Her gaze was soft. Almost sad. She loved him. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, Sloane could see it.
“They’re in their little world. We will never be able to get in because all they care about is each other.” Christian told her roughly, the reality making her sad. “I may not be able to judge you right now but I’m not the one standing here, ready to burn everything to the ground because I didn’t get my way.”
Her eyes flashed with anger and she jerked away from him. “You think this is about me? This is about him. Jameson thinks he can walk away from me like I’m nothing. Like I didn’t matter.”
“You mattered,” Christian said, his tone softening. “You did. And then you didn’t. That’s your own fault.” She flinched, recoiling as if he had hit her by being so casually cruel. It was a simple statement. One that had been true. Sloane hesitated, her lip trembling slightly. “But he…deserves it,” she said, her voice trembling with a mix of anger and hurt. “He deserves to know what it feels like to be humiliated.”
Christian stepped in front of her, blocking her path to the couple. “And what about you? Is that what you deserve? Don’t you think you’ve been through enough?”
Sloane’s lips parted, shoulders slumping as his words sank in. She began to blink quickly, trying to rid her eyes of tears. “What am I supposed to do now? Just let them win?”
He glanced over his shoulder, peering at Imani and Jameson. Whatever he’d been about to say, he chose not to. Instead, he pressed his hand to her elbow and began to walk her toward the exit. Sloane was too overwhelmed to do much of anything but let him. “Nobody is winning, Sloane. All of us are fucking losers in this shit. It’s time we both stop chasing a dream.”
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Genie looped her arm through EJ’s as they entered the grand ballroom. Her Jacquemeus Pilou boots work perfectly as accessories. Her self-designed black velvet mini dress left a shoulder bare and very little to the imagination. For once, she felt good about everything. She cuddled close to EJ, knowing they were going to have much to explain to their best friends – but she was okay with that. She was ready. Genie adjusted the hem of her dress and scanned the room, already aware of the tension crackling in the air.
“Imani’s here,” she murmured, spotting her friend near the edge of the dance floor. She was standing stiffly next to Jameson, who leaned in to say something. Imani turned her head sharply, her expression a mix of defiance and unease.
EJ followed Genie’s gaze, his brow furrowing. “They don’t look like two people enjoying a gala together.”
“They don’t,” Genie agreed, her lips pressing into a thin line. She sighed, glancing up at EJ. “Imani doesn’t need this kind of stress right now.”
“You think Jameson brought her to stress her out?” EJ asked. “He’s obsessed with that girl. He’s probably trying to fix it.”
Genie hesitated, her eyes flicking back to the couple. Jameson’s posture was slightly hunched, as if he was trying to close the gap between them, but Imani’s arms were crossed, her body angled away.
“Whatever he’s doing, it’s not working.” she said softly, sighing. 
Before EJ could respond, movement near the entrance caught Genie’s attention. Her chest tightened as she spotted Sloane descending the stairs, her sharp gaze zeroed in on Jameson and Imani.
“Oh, God,” Genie huffed, annoyed with the fact that she was one foot into the gala and her night was looking to be ruined.
“What?” EJ turned, following her gaze. “Ain’t this bout a bitch.”
Sloane’s stride was purposeful, her dress clinging to her like armor. There was something wild in her expression, a barely restrained chaos that Genie had seen before—usually right before Sloane did something destructive.
“We need to stop her,” Genie said. “No. We don’t.” “Baby–” “No. That’s their shit, Genie. We said we’re out.”
It was like a car wreck. Genie couldn’t force herself to look away. Before Sloane could reach Imani and Jameson, Christian arrived. The two of them watched him step in front of Sloane, his hand on her arm as he spoke quickly. Sloane shook her head, her gestures animated, her voice too low to hear over the music. Christian’s grip tightened, and for a moment, it looked like she might shove him away.
Genie held her breath.
Sloane wavered, her shoulders slumping slightly. Christian leaned in, his tone firm but not unkind, and whatever he said seemed to take the fight out of her. With a sharp turn, she stalked back up the stairs and disappeared into the night.
Genie exhaled, relief washing over her. The tension between she and EJ were about other people and Genie would be damned if she let her night end on a bad note because her friends – ex and present – couldn’t get it together. “Okay. Fuck it. Fuck this party. I’m sorry. Take me home.”
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The air inside EJ’s home was warm and quiet, a stark contrast to the loud chaos of the gala. Genie slipped off her heels and sank onto the plush couch, her head falling back against the cushions.
“Tonight was... a lot,” she said, closing her eyes.
“Yeah,” EJ agreed, loosening his tie. He sat down beside her, his arm draping casually over the back of the couch.
Genie turned her head to look at him, a small smile tugging at her lips. “You always know how to keep things steady, don’t you?”
“I try,” he said, his tone light.
She studied his face, the lines of his jaw, the way his eyes softened when they looked at her. She finally had that calm back. Before they let the world in, she had a little sliver of peace with EJ. He had been right. She cared far too much about other people and it was beginning to fuck with what she was trying to build with him.
Genie frowned somewhat, beckoning him over with a wave of her hand. “I’m sorry. I let everything get in my head again.”
EJ gave her a soft smile before leaning down to kiss her lips gently. “You can’t help it. That’s how you are. You love everybody and everything.”
“I just want them to be happy.” She whispered. “I know. But that’s not your job.” “It could be. Technically, I don’t have a job. I'm an heiress.” “Smart ass.” He murmured, kissing her again. “I can think of a job for you.” “Can you?”
His hand moved from the couch to her chin, fingertips gliding to press to her throat gently. Genie didn’t flinch, the action unfazed her. She trusted EJ implicity…and that turned him on.
“I can.” He knew she could see that things had changed. He’d only ever been between her legs to taste her, holding off on sex until they could have a conversation that he’d had several times before. Pulling his hand away, EJ rounded the couch and took a seat next to her. “I like sex, Genie. I like it a lot. And I like to control how I have sex.” 
EJ’s gaze met hers and he saw her eyes go wide. It took her less than a second to understand what he was saying. “Okay.” she murmured.
“Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”
EJ spoke clearly and softly, his gaze tracking her movements.
“I’m not a virgin, EJ.” she told him with a laugh, “You want to tie me down? Spank me? I’m down. Whatever you want to do, I will do. Because I want you.”
“It can’t just be about me, Genie. We’re going to be together, we both have to like it.”
He seemed to be talking himself out of going further with her but the feel of her soft hand against his mouth stopped all conversation.
“I understand. We can take it slow. Teach me.” 
The words triggered something in EJ. He gave her a grin before nodding his own head. "Alright. Lemme teach you."
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Despite the agreement that they'd let the night be what it was, the tension between them was thick and suffocating. The gala was in full swing, the lights from the building casting a warm glow over the crowd of well-dressed people. The party certainly didn't stop when they arrived but Jameson could detect a ripple of disbelief. They weren't supposed to be together. Even though they weren't holding hands, weren't kissing, or behaving anywhere near the way they normally would -- the two of them being together was going to cause a commotion.
Throughout the evening, they danced around the situation, polite and distant. They didn't even engage with each other much at all. He wanted to be there for her -- to not let her down once again but the more he stood beside her, the more he remembered just how fractured shit was. Every time he tried to engage her, she refused. It was like pulling teeth to exchange words.
He got more and more uncomfortable as the evening passed. He didn't know what to do with himself and Imani wasn'[t interested in making things easy for him.
But finally... she spoke to him.
About a fucking drink.
"I'm gonna go speak to my auntie real quick." she murmured. "you want a drink? I might go to the bar on my way back." 
"That's the first time you've talked to me like you don't hate me in two hours. And it's about a drink." he replied, not answering her question. Jameson reached up, gently pulling at the bowtie against his neck. Being on raw terms with Imani always made him uncomfortable but doing it in front of a crowd? It was even worse.
She chuckled lowly at his statement and he knew he was in for it. "What do we have to talk about, Jameson?” she said. "I think you've said enough. I heard enough. Don't make me regret asking."
Jameson tugged at his bowtie again, lifting his neck to undo the damn thing. he was beyond uncomfortable and keeping appearances wasn't important to him anymore. He didn't give a damn if people noticed they were standing feet apart and barely touching. "No, I don't want a fucking drink. I only came because I was tired of disappointing you. but I might as well have stayed at home for all you care." He pulled the silk from his neck, shoving it in his pocket as he unbuttoned the top button of his dress shirt.
She clenched her jaw, folding her arms over her chest. “Yeah, maybe you should have stayed at home.” Well, this conversation was going horribly. 
“You really don’t think we have shit to talk about? I guess not, considering you’ve been ignoring my texts and calls.” Jameson asked her, amazed at her audacity. They hadn’t spoken since sloane’s party and that had been her decision. Once again, he was iced out and desperate to get back in. She gave him absolutely nothing until tonight. Everything else he found out from her Diary ep, and just the thought of the project agitated him even further. 
She sighed. Her annoyance began to show through her furrowed brows and crossed arms. She could no longer keep up with the facade either. “What the fuck do you want me to say to you? You said everything you needed to say. So, why we gotta keep talkin’ about the same shit?” she snapped. 
“Imani, you dropped a whole ep talking about how you felt about us before even picking up the phone to talk about those feelings with me, but we have nothing to talk about?” She looked around the gala, looking for any eyes on the two of them. Jameson didn’t give a fuck though. His reputation took a backseat to their relationship every time. 
“Why does it matter what I do? You made your choice and it wasn’t me. So nothing I do concerns you.”
Jameson turned to glare at imani, actually confused for the first time during their conversation. He didn't even need to play stupid or lie. “In what world, In what fucking reality, did I tell you that I chose her over you? I should have done differently that night but I would never say that shit to you.” He thought back to their argument and couldn’t figure out what the fuck was even happening here. He spent his entire week, bombarding her with calls and texts, but she was still focused on Sloane? 
Imani turned to glare at him. “You didn’t have to fuckin’ say it! It’s the fact that you didn’t say anything. That’s making a choice right there, Jameson.”
He sighed. “I texted and called you this whole week. I went and got fitted for a tux without you even telling me if you still wanted me to go to this gala. Then I showed up. All of that was for you.” he said, his voice strained. He stared at her. “I wouldn’t do that for anybody else.”
“Okay? You want a cookie?” imani scoffed. “None of that means anything to me, Jameson. You didn’t stick up for me at Sloane’s party. you chose her. So go be with her.” He watched her scan the crowd again, realizing that she kept her temper in check, because there were other people around. “Go get your girl.”
From her EP to her admitting his actions meant nothing, his feelings were hurt. Jameson didn’t fool himself into thinking that everything would be okay if he showed up tonight but he felt he was doing the right thing by being here. “You can’t tell me how I feel about you. You can’t tell me I love anybody more than I love you. You can’t tell me that I don’t think the world begins and ends with you. I don’t fucking feel right if I can’t talk to you. I do stupid shit like fly to Italy and bang on every room door just to fucking see you. But I’m so tired of trying to convince you that my sun does not rise if you aren't around...so I won’t anymore. I’m done. You’re right about one thing…I should have stayed my ass home tonight.”
it may have been a sliver of a second but her demeanor softened. it was like he triggered an alarm because her guard was right back up again. "Yeah, maybe it's best if you go then. Because you tellin' me how much you love me don't mean shit. If you really loved me in the way you say that you do, I wouldn't even have to question my position in your life.”
Jameson hated to leave her, he hated to continue the distance between them, but it was getting to be too much now. He could feel his fragile composure slipping even more. “I love you and I don't want to keep hurting you.” He leaned in briefly, kissing her cheek. “So I’ll see you when I see you, Imani.” He gave her one final look before walking away, slipping through the crowd easily as he made his way out.
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Imani exhaled a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. contrary to what she said, She didn’t want Jameson to leave. Imani looked out at the crowd to see if he was still there. Her eyes focused on him and no one else as he moved through everyone. She wanted to tell him that she wanted to work things out. That she believed him but her feet didn’t move an inch. She just watched him until she couldn’t see him anymore. 
She sighed, standing to her feet. Imani went to go look for her aunt, Toni St. Cirie. she needed a distraction. Imani wasn’t going to cry, but if she thought about her conversation with Jameson for too long, she would lose it. 
Luckily for Imani, she didn’t get far in her heels when she felt a bump to her side. She looked to see the blonde woman standing beside her. “You need it. Drink.” Imani took the champagne without a second thought. She almost chugged it down until she remembered where she was at, so she settled on a sip. 
“Thank you. Can you sit with me for a while?” If Toni was here, she was more than likely working. She never attended galas just to mingle and bump shoulders with the wealthy. Imani didn’t want to take her away from her job for too long. She just needed someone to talk to. 
“Of course.” She answered softly. The two navigated the floor together.  Imani held onto her champagne glass tightly. the more people she saw, the less she wanted to be there. She wanted to go home. She was grateful when Toni found a spot away from everyone else. Toni pulled out a chair for Imani and took a seat next to her. The woman looked around before speaking. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She rolled her eyes, thinking back on her conversation with Jameson. She wanted nothing more than to forget it. “Auntie, it’s so stupid. I know you heard about that fight at that girl’s party,” she said, refusing to address Sloane by name anymore. “Well, I hadn’t talked to him this whole week because what do we have to talk about when you obviously made your choice? He was still calling and everything, but I ignored it all and dropped Diary. i just didn’t expect him to show up tonight.”
Toni quirked a brow as she explained their latest quarrel.
Imani sighed, "I know i should leave him alone. it’s just – hard.”
“Well then, it’s good that he left right?” Toni told Imani. she had never been Jameson’s biggest fan. Her aunt always advocated for her to leave him alone and focus on her career. She said a relationship like theirs would only lead to insanity.
Imani nodded slowly, “I–I guess so,” she said timidly. Now that they were alone, she forgot about her formalities and looking like she had everything together. She gulped down the rest of her champagne, feeling it tingle in the back of her throat. She needed to feel something other than anger and sorrow right now. The champagne would do.
Toni reached out and touched her knee. “Baby…” she said softly, shaking her head. “Anything worth doing is going to be difficult. You keep going in this circle with Jameson. You’re happy for a while and then you’re right back here. In this feeling. He shouldn’t get to have all this power over you. This should be the last time that you feel like this.”
She gazed at her aunt. Imani always took Toni’s advice regarding her career and everything else. She was terrible at listening to her when it came to Jameson. Yet, she nodded her head. “You’re…right. Nobody should be allowed to make me feel like this.”
“Damn right,” Toni confirmed with a smirk. she took her niece’s hands in her own, holding them close. “You just released an ep full of hits, Imani. That should be your focus. Not a man. But if you have to date someone, let me introduce you to a nice boy.”
She laughed for the first time tonight. “Depending on what the nice boy looks like, I might take you up on your offer.”
Toni smiled, nodding in agreement. “I’ll make sure he’s an elite-looking boy.”
“I trust your taste, auntie. All of your exes are fine as hell.” She couldn’t think of ever seeing Toni with an ugly man; she had good taste. The two of them continued their conversation about men, which eventually shifted to her career and different ideas she had for her Diary ep, and eventually, Imani wasn’t thinking about Jameson at all.
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Genie might be the woman of his dreams.
She asked to be taught and he wasted no time doing just that. EJ figured they would take things slow. He would teach her how to please him. They’d get to sex another time. But as she lay across his bed, the dress had customized for herself hung with care in his closet, he knew he was going to fuck her.
She turned her head, taking his length down her throat once more. She was on her knees and stomach, leaning over the edge of the bed to get to him. EJ grunted in pleasure at the perfect feel of her wet mouth, a deep rumble that reverberated in his own chest. His dick throbbed in her mouth as her cheeks hollowed out. She kept her gaze on his face, hands clenched in the blanket as if she were waiting for instruction. 
“Pull back.” He told her roughly, pleased when she immediately knew it meant to keep only the head of him in her mouth. Pre-cum mixed with her saliva coated his dick and EJ gave her a wistful sigh of appreciation. She held him there in her mouth, those pretty hazel eyes just asking for more.
He seized the back of Genie's hair, pulling her forward onto his cock slowly. The further they went, the wider her eyes got but she didn’t pull away. Didn’t buck back. Didn’t tell him she couldn’t handle it. The action caused Genie to gag slightly which only turned him on more. He groaned and thrust his hips forward only to be met with her hand against his thigh.
EJ pulled back suddenly, leaving Genie gasping for air. "Not bad," he praised lightly, grinning wolfishly down at his lover as he reached around to stroke himself off lazily, watching Genie with hooded eyes. “Now I’m going to be nice and give you a choice. Don’t you think that’s nice of me?”
Genie opened her mouth to respond but then closed it and nodded. He had given her four rules when they started to play.
Be honest about your comfort level
Don’t speak unless given permission
Call him “Sir” or nothing at all.
No touching without permission.
EJ grinned, proud that she had remembered a rule. "Good girl. Very good girl." he praised before leaning down to kiss Genie gently on the lips. They were full and wet from the attention she had given his dick. He was even more proud of her. "So here's your choice: do you want me to fuck you or do you–”
“Fuck me!” Genie blurted out, her eyes going wide as if she couldn’t believe she’d said it. They both went quiet before EJ burst out in laughter. Genie blushed but she didn’t seem dismayed at the turn of things.
"I wasn’t done talking," EJ told her with a quirked brow. “I’m sorry, Sir.” She said softly, her fingers pulling at the blankets in anticipation.
He brushed his thumb against her mouth, liking the way she opened her lips as if begging him to press the digit inside. He gave in to her, pushing his thumb in. Genie brushed her tongue against it, sucking just as eagerly as she did when his dick was in her mouth.
It was enough to make him feel less guilty about giving in. He was fucking her because she asked…but also because he wanted her so bad that he could feel the pre-cum dripping from his dick.
"You picked what we do. I decide how we do it." EJ told her decisively. “Turn around.” 
She was already on her knees but she understood exactly what he meant. Genie scrambled to turn her back to him, stretching her hands across the bed. The anticipation was a fucking killer. He watched her tremble, glancing over her shoulder every two seconds as if he was going to change his mind. EJ pressed his fingers between her legs, gathering her slick onto his fingers. She did her best not to make a sound but EJ knew she’d be unable to resist. They were new to all of this. He was going to go easy on her.
“Let me hear it, sweetness.” He encouraged her, noticing how her shoulders sagged in relief when she got permission. Genie let out a soft moan as he climbed onto the bed, his knees sinking into the mattress as he pressed himself against her. He drew his dick up and down her folds, teasing them both. EJ leaned over her back, peppering kisses along her spine as he finally grasped her hips in his hands.
EJ felt her brace for the inevitable thrust so he moved slowly. Inch by inch, he introduced her to her dick and it made her clench and squirm more than she would have if he just pinned her down and fucked her. Genie arched her back in pleasure, panting softly. She squeezed around him and he just knew it was going to be over if he didn’t do something.
"Hold it," EJ whispered, leaning down to press his lips to her ear, “I want to take my time with you.” He kissed and nipped at her earlobe. Genie shuddered at the sensation and nodded, eagerly spread her legs wider, giving him better access. She sank further against the bed, her palms turned down to grip the comforter.
Ej chuckled darkly and trailed his lips down to Genie's neck, nibbling and sucking on the sensitive skin there. Meanwhile, one hand reached between her legs to tease her already wet clit. Genie moaned and arched into his touch, craving more. “Sir, I–”
But he ignored her.
EJ continued to tease and torment her. Genie arched back, twisting her hips out in pleasure as he began to move them in a slow, torturous rhythm. She mumbled words he couldn't quite comprehend but he understood how her body twisted and turned. Her hands gripped the sheets tightly. EJ's other hand traveled up to fondle one of her breasts, pinching and rolling her nipple between his fingers as his hips kept her pinned beneath him.
The combination of sensations had Genie writhing beneath Ej's touch, begging for release. But EJ seemed determined to push her closer and closer to the edge without letting her fall over.
"P-Please," Genie moaned desperately, needing more friction against her sensitive clit.
"Please what?" "Please, sir!" "No. Not yet."
Trapped underneath EJ, Genie couldn't do anything but hold on for dear life. His hips picked up speed, the rhythm he'd spent what felt like forever setting had changed. He had changed. "Open that pussy up for me." He grunted, the rough and vulgar words were so different from anything he'd ever uttered to her that Genie looked back over her shoulder -- almost checking to see if this was the same man who'd been slowly seducing her for months.
Their gaze met and EJ tilted his head, wordlessly asking if she liked it. She gave him a little smile, permission to continue on. And so he did.
"I said...open." His hand pulled back from her breast and slapped her thigh. Genie spread her legs wide again, falling back against the bed. Whatever he had done had made it easier for him to dig into her and she was feeling shit anew. "That's what I'm talking about." EJ grunted, lifting a leg to plant his foot against the bed.
He pounded into Genie from behind, picking up speed. Each thrust sent waves of pleasure through his body and he couldn't control the moans that escaped his lips. He had nothing on Genie. She cooed and oohed, gushed over him and burrowed her face in the sheets -- almost as if she were embarrassed of the noises he was bringing from her body. Her throat, her pussy, her thighs. They were all loud as fuck, echoing throughout his bedroom.
EJ couldn't think straight, all he could focus on was the intense pleasure coursing through his body with each movement of his hips. Her submissiveness brought it out of him. He could feel himself getting closer to the edge with every passing second and knew that neither of them wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.
"Sir!," she cried out, her voice strained as she curled up and took every thrust. "May I cum? Oh please let me. Please. I was a good girl." She begged him and that sent him damn near over the edge. He looked down at the girl of his dreams -- gripping his sheets, biting her lips, brows furrowed and dripping with sweat. He would give her anything in the fucking world. An orgasm was nothing.
"Go ahead. Cum for me," Ej grunted out, biting down on the sensitive skin of Genie's neck. It sent her over the edge. She spasmed under him, whimpering and grunting as he keep going. She squeezed at him so tightly that stars exploded behind his closed eyelids. "Jesus, fuck..." he whispered as he came hard, white heat igniting every nerve in his body.
They collapsed onto the bed together, panting heavily and still connected
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You said you were done. He said he was done let it go. She told herself several times throughout the night. She had drank and donated...and did her best not to cry over the fact that she felt so very alone. She mingled some but her mind was still on him.
It didn't matter what she told Toni. Her heart wanted Jameson. She didn't know if she even be listening to the damn thing but it beat like crazy when she thought of him or saw him. He owned her in a way that made her damn near crazy. How could she let him walk away without seriously considering she'd never see him again?
She just couldn't take it anymore. She unblocked him and sent a text message. One that he didn't answer. Her heart pounded in her chest as she waited for a response. When it didn't come, she didn't get angry -- she decided she was going to have her way. They were going to figure this shit out. Imani pulled her phone from her clutch, swaying as she dialed the number. Being tipsy helped her put her pride aside.
It rang twice...and then he answered. "Hello?"
She could tell he was hesitant. Hell, she was terrified of what was going to come of it but they needed to do it. They had to get it out. "Come back and get me." She told him softly.
"I don't want to fight anymore, Mani." "We're not fighting. We're talking." "All we seem to do is fight." "And miss each other. Don't we miss me?" "...Yes." "Then get your ass up. Come get me, Daddy. Let's figure it out."
He hesitated for only a minute but then Imani heard him sigh and the sound of keys. "I'm on my way."
24 notes · View notes
aviiarie · 13 hours ago
Text
“𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐆𝐎 𝐅𝐀𝐑.” — feat. oikawa tooru.
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synopsis. the night before he leaves for argentina, tooru visits you one last time.
✦ contents. title is from 'you're gonna go far' by noah kahan. platonic. reader + oikawa are best friends. gn!reader. angst, but with a hopeful ending. 1.8k words.
✦ notes. making my haikyuu debut with angst <3 this one is kinda bittersweet ngl, i made myself sad writing it.
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You don’t need to open the door to know whose hand is knocking. 
Two quick raps, a half-second pause, and one more for good measure. He has knocked on your door the exact same way, ever since you were in elementary school and he was begging you to come play volleyball. Over the years, that even rhythm would sound every single morning, right before you rushed out of the house to walk together to class.
He’s no stranger to your home. If he wanted, he could fish out the spare key under the doormat and enter as he pleased, without so much as a second glance from your parents. With the amount of time he spent with you growing up, it was as if he was another member of the family; just a typical annoying brother, who happened to live a few houses down.
But it had been a whole two weeks since you’d seen, or even spoke to him. His presence was that of a stranger, an unfamiliar guest, a distant relative. He could only knock, and hope you weren’t still upset enough to ignore him completely.
The traces of anger still linger in your chest, but you turn the handle anyway to find him shivering on your porch, clothes soaked from the rain.
He’s grown a lot from that snot-nosed child who showed up at your door every second weekend. He is taller, for starters, and his body has filled out with muscle. The baby fat in his cheeks was chipped away, leaving him with that perfectly sculpted face that had his classmates fawning over him. A charming smile and a wink from his soft, sparkling eyes would have anyone going mad.
Yet those eyes, the ones that would melt the heart of his fangirls, were nowhere to be seen. Instead, they looked red and puffy, like he’d been crying before he arrived.
He never cried, not unless it was something serious.
“Can we talk?” Tooru asks, his voice oddly quiet. Maybe it’s the rare vulnerability in his eyes, or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve never really been able to refuse him, but you step aside to let him in without a second thought.
Wordlessly, he takes his place on your couch, as you fetch him a towel to dry his clothes, and poured two glasses of water. Each action is taken in complete silence, other than the opening and closing of cupboards and clinking of glass. Tooru watches you as you move from room to room, sitting with his back straight and hands folded neatly over his lap. By the time you join him, placing a glass in front of him and keeping the other in your hands, his hands are curled into fists, and his shoulders are almost imperceptibly shaking.
It’s awkward, it’s stifling, and it’s utterly miserable. You’re unused to his presence being something that incites such discomfort, when he was your shoulder to cry and ear to listen to all of your problems throughout your teen years.
One argument. That was all it took, for your comfortable silences and soothing familiarities to be ripped away.
“I’ve packed up my house.” Tooru says, breaking the silence. “Everything I own–everything that’s important, that is. I’ve been putting it off, but I’m leaving tomorrow, so... I had to get it done.”
“Oh yeah?” You mutter. “I’m sure that was hard, picking which trophies you wanna take with you.”
He laughs, a weak sound. “The important stuff, I said.”
“Didn’t you also say that winning was the most important part of life?”
“Hey, don’t use my middle school self’s words against me, you’re better than that, [Name]!” Tooru whines. And for a moment, it’s easy to forget why you were upset in the first place, and slip back into that back-and-forth teasing that you were so used to. But it only takes one look into his bloodshot eyes to remember, and the laughter dies in your throat.
You turn your attention to your water, ignoring the way he stiffens. “Yeah, well you’re good at suddenly changing your mind, aren’t you?”
There it was. That awkward silence.
Tooru was at a loss for words, alternating between staring at you with his lips pursed, ready to say something, before changing his mind and looking down at his feet. You sit at his side, idly taking sips from your drink and ignoring the simmering tension. It’s unbearable, the feeling of conflict between you. Unbearable, and unfamiliar.
“I know you’re angry at me.” He blurts out suddenly.
Your hands freeze, right before the glass reaches your lips. “I’m not angry at you.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
“I’m not angry at you.” You repeat, placing the glass down with a little more force than is necessary. “You’re chasing your dreams. I’d be a pretty lousy friend if I was angry about that.”
“But you are angry,” Tooru prompts, leaning forward.
“I… Yes, I am angry.” You admit. “I’m angry that I found out about this two weeks before you planned to uproot your entire life and move to the other side of the world. I’m angry that even though you’ve been thinking about this for so long, you haven’t told me anything. I’m angry that I’m apparently the last person you’ve told–”
You cut yourself off, and take a deep breath to steel the stirring emotions turning in your stomach. “I’m not angry at you, I’m just angry at the way you handled this. That’s all.”
Looking at him in the eye is too difficult, so you look at your hands instead, clenching them into fists in your lap.
“I just don’t–I don’t understand why. Why didn’t you want me to know?” Your words wavered, thick with emotion. “Did you want to leave me behind that bad?”
“No!” Tooru cries. “You’re my friend, of course I didn’t want to leave you!”
“Then explain it to me! Explain why, when you were researching Argentinian volleyball teams six months ago, you never thought to tell me you were thinking about leaving Japan?”
You're both yelling now, but you can't bring yourself to care about waking up the rest of your house. You only care about him, and the tattered state of your friendship.
“You wanna know the real answer? I was scared.” Tooru chuckles bitterly, raking his fingers through his air.. “I was terrified, because you’re one of my best friends and I didn’t know how you would react. Telling Iwa-chan was easy, a walk in the park compared to telling you. At least I knew he would never try to stop me, but if you…”
There is a pause, and a beat of silence before he continues. “If you asked me–truly, truly asked me to stay, then I don’t think I would say no. No matter how suffocating it is here, I would deal with it if you needed me. And I guess, part of me was scared you would, and I didn’t know what I would do if I forced myself to give up like that.”
You stare at him, wide-eyed. What could you say to that, the admission that he would forfeit his chance to pursue his goals, if you tried hard enough? There was a stir in your chest, a sickly, selfish thought worming into your mind:
What if you did?
The idea is followed almost immediately with a wash of guilt, bile rising in the back of your throat. You hate yourself for even considering the idea, but you can’t deny how badly you want him to stay. Part of you yearns for your high school days to stretch on a little longer, if only for a few more months of cheering on Aoba Johsai during their volleyball matches and celebrating with Tooru and Iwaizumi afterwards.
At some point, you had gotten ramen together for the last time, without even realizing it. You should have savoured the moment; captured the memory in your mind and kept it like a polaroid in the back of your head.
“I want to stay with you, I really do.” Tooru says quietly, not meeting your eye. “But I want this even more. We’re not kids anymore; I need to move on.”
You inhale sharply.
He was right. You weren’t kids. You couldn’t keep trailing behind him, always at his heels or by his side. As much as you loved having him close to you, you loved the idea of him thriving even more. In the end, that is all that matters.
“I know,” Your eyes are fully glossed over with tears, but you steel yourself enough to meet his gaze. “And I would never want to hold you back. Your happiness means more to me than anything else, so if this… if this is going to make you happy, then you have all my support.”
“Do… you mean that?” He asks, searching your expression for any sign of doubt.
You punch him in the shoulder lightly. “You’ll always have my support, dumbass.” 
The jab doesn't faze him at all; if anything, he looks overjoyed.
“Thank you,” Tooru’s words are choked up, but there’s a clear weight that’s been lifted off his shoulders. “Thank you, I couldn’t leave without hearing that.”
Of course he couldn’t.
No wonder he looked a mess when he arrived. You were willing to bet the guilt of an unresolved argument between the two of you was eating him alive. It wasn’t like it was any easier for you; your own guilt began to stir at the thought of him tossing and turning, unable to get the idea of your disapproval out of his head. 
“You’re gonna go far, okay? The world's gonna know the name Oikawa Tooru, starting setter. And when you’re up there, on Argentina’s best volleyball team, winning game after game–” You flashed him a smile. “Make sure to remember your best friend, okay?”
“Yeah,” He grins. “I’ll thank Iwa-chan for the support–”
“Excuse me–”
“And you, of course.” Tooru’s smile widens, and he reaches out to pull you into a side hug. 
“Yeah, yeah.” You grumble, but you’re not able to hold back a small smile of your own. “Make sure to win lots of games while you’re over there, okay?”
Tooru scoffs, the same indignant noise he’s made ever since middle school, when you told him he better win his games or else. It was always an ‘or else’; ‘or else’ he would have to buy snacks on the way home, ‘or else’ you would tell his little fangirls that he tripped and fell into a pole that morning, ‘or else’ you wouldn’t go with him to that amusement park you’ve both been eyeing.
Whether the silly threats made any difference on his performance, you’ll never know. All you know is this time, next time, and every time after that, there’s nothing holding him back from giving every game his all.
“It’s a deal.”
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© aviiarie 2024. do not copy, repost, translate or use my work to train ai
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fanfictwins · 1 day ago
Text
SAGAU Liyue - Holiday Special 2024
Summary: “A Christmas surprise party with a Liyuean twist — the perfect gift planned for you by the two young girls who wanted you to feel more at home. How could you NOT have fun with it?”
Word Count: ~10.4k
The pleasant fragrance of mixed herbs, similar to the bunches of purple and white ones held in your arms, hit your nose as you stepped through the doorway of Bubu Pharmacy, the figures of two small girls by your side. With the variety of medicinal herbs stored within its walls, it was no surprise that it smelled great whenever you visited, no matter whether morning, noon, or night.
“Your Grace…? Why, I certainly hope you’re not here because you require my aid?”
Your gaze rose from the herbs to see Baizhu with a smile on his face, subtle surprise etched into his expression. Changsheng matched his gaze, raising her head up to better look at you.
“Oh, I’m fine, doc. I was just helping Qiqi with her wildcrafting.” You lifted your arms up just so, showing off everything you gathered with a proud smile, as the aforementioned zombie raised her own arms up to place the batch of herbs she collected on the counter. “I had to climb along so many cliffs and mountain peaks, but I got ‘em! I didn’t let a single one I saw go unplucked!”
Baizhu seemed to get more surprised, but it quickly melted into a calmer smile. “You needn’t exert yourself like that, Your Grace, but I thank you for your assistance. It’s much appreciated.”
You handed the herbs to Herbalist Gui, who visibly jolted when your hand brushed against his during the exchange. He excused himself so quickly after that he almost tripped and dropped the bundles everywhere, but managed to get away with everything held tightly in his arms and a flustered look on his face. It wasn’t anything that you weren’t already fully used to at this point.
“Aw, there’s no need to be so formal with me. In fact, if you ever need some rare or hard-to-get ingredient, you can always ask me. It’s no trouble at all! I like helping you and Qiqu out, honest.”
“Hmm… then I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Your Grace, you worked really hard today!” Yaoyao piped up, drawing your attention to her and her bright smile. “I think you deserve a break! We can handle anything else that comes up.”
You lightly exhaled. “Huh? I know I said I did a lot, but I’m actually not that tired-”
“I insist! In fact, I’m sure my master would love to sit down and have tea with you. It’s been some time since you’ve personally visited her, right? She still talks a lot about the last time!”
“I… guess I can go see her, then?” You were still smiling, if a bit confused now, but you waved off the four as you began to leave. “I’ll see you all around. Don’t get into too much trouble, ‘kay?”
The moment you were out of sight, down the pharmacy’s stairs, Yaoyao turned to her friend.
“You got everything written down, right?”
“...mmm, yeah.”
The zombie slowly took out her notebook, flipping it open to the newest page, which was filled with scribbles. Her handwriting made it hard to make out some words, but a closer look made most of them legible enough to read; some of the words were bigger than others, emphasizing their importance, but the biggest one was centered almost in the middle — “Christmas”.
Yaoyao smiled brightly, gently taking the notebook out of Qiqi’s hands and holding it up as she looked at it. “Perfect! Now we can make sure to tell everyone about everything we learned!”
“And what’s this about?” Baizhu peered down at the girls from his spot behind the counter. “Scheming behind Their Grace’s back after getting Them to leave? That’s not very nice.”
Changsheng scoffed. “It’s downright rude!”
“It’s for a good reason! Well… sort of.” Yaoyao turned the notebook around to show the doctor its pages. “While we were gathering herbs, Their Grace started telling us about Their home, and They mentioned this one celebration… “Criss-miss”? That’s how They pronounced it. And, They seemed a bit sad when talking, so I’ve decided that we should throw Them a “Christmas party”!”
Qiqi raised her arms in the air, mimicking Yaoyao. “Party…!”
“Oooh…” There was a hint of interest in Baizhu’s smile. “That sounds quite nice.”
“Yeah, and everyone can help make it a big surprise!” Yaoyao closed the notebook and gave it back to Qiqi. “So forgive me, Dr. Baizhu, but I have to borrow Qiqi for a bit. We’ve a lot to plan!”
“Very well, but stay safe, you two!”
The doctor called out as the two girls set out, hand in hand as they took the first step towards their goal — throwing the Divine Creator a surprise “Christmas party” with the other vessels.
- - - - -
There was always one thing on the top of your to-do list whenever you visited Liyue, and that was making a trip to Wanmin Restaurant. Even when the other restaurants tried to catch your attention, you usually passed them by; they weren’t bad at all, by any means, but there was just something about Wanmin that dragged you back in for a meal whenever you were in the harbor.
And Chef Mao never complained about the big boost of business he got after one of your visits.
“Chef Mao!”
You smiled at the man as you approached, the delicious scents wafting from the restaurant’s kitchen already invading your nostrils from half a street away. You were able to identify some of the restaurant’s dishes by scent alone, but there were also new ones you weren’t familiar with.
“Your Grace, it’s an honor!” Chef Mao smiled at you from his spot behind the counter. “Are you having your usual today? I always stock up on extra ingredients whenever I hear you’re around.”
You let out a long hum. “Maybe… but I’m also feeling kind of adventurous today…”
The sight of a familiar panda-esque bear poking his head out around the corner of the doorway to the kitchen cut off your train of thought, your smile reappearing as you turned towards him.
“Oh, Guoba! Hello!”
The bear flinched at being spotted, hurrying back into the kitchen and leaving you staring at the spot he had just been in. You couldn’t ignore the clanging of metal that soon followed from inside the kitchen, before hearing a familiar voice exclaim, “They’re here?! Right now?!”, which in itself was followed by the restaurant’s head chef stumbling out of the kitchen, Guoba on her heels.
Xiangling looked a bit unkempt, dusting herself off before looking at you with a smile.
“Your Grace, it’s an honor!”
Like father, like daughter.
“Xiangling, are you…” You gave her a once-over, taking note of the various splatters of colorful spices and sauces decorating her from head-to-toe, like an abstract art-piece. “...okay?”
Her smile became sheepish as she followed your gaze, looking down at herself briefly before looking back up at you. “Aha… yeah, I was just… surprised you’re here. I wasn’t expecting it.”
“Oh… sorry for the surprise. I just wanted to get some lunch.”
Xiangling nodded. “Then I’ll get right on that! The usual?”
“Actually, something smells really good in the kitchen. What’re you cooking?”
“Uh, it’s… um… I’m kind of just working something new out, I…”
Xiangling averted her eyes, her gaze looking at everything but you before it ended up on Guoba, asking him for help. The bear lightly flinched, his own eyes widening as he babbled incoherently.
“Oh, Your Grace.”
The cool tone of Shenhe’s voice cut through the air, cutting off Guoba and almost forcing your attention to shift itself over to her. Her hands held a large wooden crate that leaned against her body, the contents no doubt too heavy for any mere mortal to lift despite the ease at which the woman in front of you was handling it, and you watched as she calmly looked at Xiangling.
“Here. I gathered everything you said you might need for your secret dishes.”
That made you look at Xiangling again. “Oooh, secret dishes?”
The head chef looked ready to pass out, before she quickly shook her head and calmed down.
“W-Well, you see…” Xiangling fidgeted before she sighed, only to perk up moments later as an idea entered her head. “Actually, I could use your help. Yaoyao recently told me that you told her about this thing called “Christmas”...? And she mentioned a few dishes that are supposed to be made for it, but I’m struggling to figure them out since all I’ve got are the names of the dishes.”
“You’re… trying to make Christmas dishes?”
Xiangling nodded. “Yep! Because, you know… it’s food from another world! Your world! I’d really like to learn how to make dishes from your home, Your Grace! I’m sure they’re super tasty!”
That made perfect sense to you.
“You don’t need to be nervous asking for help, Xiangling. I’d be glad to give you a hand.”
“Thank you, Your Grace!”
You ended up sitting down at one of the nearby tables — even though it wasn’t necessarily a quiet hour for business, one table quickly became cleared up once you needed it — after your order was made with Xiangling right by your side, the chef eagerly listening as you told her all about some of the more common Christmas dishes that came to your mind between bites of your lunch. You tried your best to explain the dishes as much as you could, sparing no detail.
The variety was wide, from baked ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, candied sweet potatoes… even if you never personally had some of the dishes you listed out, you still named them and described what you had heard they were like.
“Oh, and there’s usually a roasted turkey.”
Xiangling blinked, an interested glimmer in her eyes. “Turkey?”
“Yeah, it’s… a kind of bird. I don’t think Teyvat has anything quite like them, though… oh!” You raised your utensils up, pointing at Xiangling. “There’s this one dish called a “Turducken” that some people have, where you stuff a chicken into a duck, then stuff that duck into a turkey.”
“So it’s a… three-bird roast?”
“Yep!”
“That sounds interesting… and I could do the chicken and duck part, but without a turkey…”
“I think some people use a goose instead of a turkey.” You lightly tapped your chin with your utensils. “Even in my world, turkeys are only available and easy to obtain in certain areas.”
Xiangling thought for a moment, before a smile returned to her face and she nodded.
“Alright, I think I can do that… no, I definitely can do that! I’ll make the best Christmas dishes ever! I can’t wait to try them myself! Thank you so much for all of your help, Your Grace!”
“It’s no problem.” You laid your utensils down on your empty dish, wiping your mouth off with a napkin before you stood up. “I just hope you allow me to taste-test them when you’re done.”
Xiangling let out a slight laugh, looking away nervously. “Y-Yeah, of course you’ll be able to!”
You gave Shenhe a word of thanks as she collected your empty lunch dishes, and gave Chef Mao and Xiangling a hearty wave goodbye as you left, only making it past the neighboring shop before a horde of people rushed by you. You glanced over your shoulder to see them all queuing up at the restaurant, and sighed from knowing that you were the sole reason for the lunch rush.
Xiangling loudly exhaled the moment you were out of sight, her whole body relaxing at the same time. Guoba copied her movements, before smiling up at the young girl and babbling briefly.
“Shenhe!” Xiangling’s cheeks puffed out a bit as she looked up at the tall woman. “Please be more careful! I’m lucky I was able to get some advice out of it and that Their Grace didn’t catch onto the plan, but it would’ve been super bad if They found out! It would’ve ruined the surprise!”
Shehne blinked. “...ah, my apologies, but I did state that your new dishes are a secret, didn’t I?”
“You’re not supposed to say that it’s a secret out loud!”
“Ahem, Xiangling! Shenhe! I could use a little help here!”
The two ladies — and Guoba — looked over to see Chef Mao overwhelmed at the restaurant’s counter. They could hear most of the customers asking for “what the Divine Creator ordered”.
“Sorry, dad! We’ll be right on it!”
Xiangling and Guoba hurried back into the kitchen, the clanging of metal starting up again as they began to prep food to serve, and Shenhe returned to the dining area to clean the tables so that some of the customers would have a place to sit when dining on the day’s “popular dish”.
Chef Mao sighed. “...and this is why I make sure to order extra ingredients.”
- - - - -
Even with many pairs of eyes staring at you for almost the entire time you were passing by, walking around Liyue Harbor was usually a peaceful and pleasant experience; the stares you received from the locals were mostly of awe, and they never tried to get into your actual space, instead always keeping a respectful distance that allowed your walk to go without a hindrance.
But those were just the behaviors of the normal folk.
Your vessels were of a completely different sort.
“Your Grace…!”
You had been strolling near the docks, admiring the ships out at sea, only to look in front of you to see Xinyan — who had called out to you — and Yun Jin coming to a stop before you. The two had to take a minute to catch their breath, Xinyan even having to place her hands on her knees.
“Xinyan? Yun Jin?” You looked between the two performers with a concerned frown on your lips, your eyebrows furrowed. “Are you two alright? Why were you running? Is something wrong…?”
The rocker stood up straight with a smile on her face, shaking her hands out as she shook her head. “It’s nothing bad, Your Grace. Whew, I just finished up a real blazin’ performance, so-”
“Halt!”
Your head swiveled in the direction of the shout, seeing the two girls follow suit from the corner of your eye, just to see a couple of Millelith soldiers with gazes solely focused on Xinyan. They came to a stop next to you and the performers, not having to catch their breath like the latter.
The rocker frowned. “Shoot.”
The two soldiers stared Xinyan down, one tapping his polearm on the ground. “Miss Xinyan, you have been charged with multiple fire code violations. You can’t just keep running away from us.”
“The only thing that got burned was the stage I built myself…”
“That’s not an excuse. Someone still could have gotten hurt.”
“Oh, okay… that makes sense.” You smiled at Xinyan. “You were running from the law, huh?”
The sound of your voice, your tone a bit amused, made the soldiers finally take notice of your presence, and the way they were taken aback to realize that it was you made your smile grow just a little bit more. Their eyes went wide, and they seemed to lose any and all strength in their stances — if only for a moment before they corrected themselves, their faces now a light pink.
“Ack- the Divine Creator?”
The soldiers fumbled with their weapons before bowing to you.
“Forgive us for not acknowledging you, Your Grace. It was rude of us!”
“It’s not a big deal, guys. You two are just doing your jobs, focusing on handling crime-”
Your attention briefly shifted itself back to Xinyan, who was clearly trying to tell you something through just her gaze and body posture. Her head made wide turns as she looked between you and the Millelith soldiers, the sparkle in her eyes conveying a plea as dramatic as a rock opera.
“BUT…! You can leave Xinyan to me.”
The rocker pumped a fist at your words, smiling wide once you received her signal.
“I’m sure you have more important matters that take precedence over this situation? I can make sure that Xinyan receives a punishment befitting her fire code violations. Consider it dealt with.”
The soldiers blinked a few times, before glancing at each other.
“Is… is that allowed?”
“It’s the Divine Creator. They should be able to handle it… right?”
They looked back at you after a quiet moment of deliberation amongst themselves, giving you a nod in affirmation. “Very well. We shall leave this matter in your capable hands, Your Grace.”
You continued to smile as you watched the soldiers hesitantly leave, casting glances over their shoulders at you before they disappeared out of your sight, before you looked at the performers.
“...I’m surprised that that worked. I didn’t think they’d accept that I have any authority for this.”
“But it’s a good thing it did!” Xinyan smiled. “Thanks for helping me out, Your Grace!”
Yun Jin hummed as her head tilted. “What kind of punishment would you even give Xinyan?”
You thought for a moment, putting a finger on your chin, before you smiled again.
“Eternal banishment?”
“Aw, shucks.” Xinyan continued to smile brightly, even as faux disappointment laced itself into her voice and a small chuckle escaped her lips. “Ain’t that just a bit too harsh, Your Grace?”
You snorted, rolling your eyes before focusing on the rocker again. “I suppose so. Just be more careful, okay? I doubt you’d actually end up hurting someone during a performance, but still.”
“Since you’re the one saying to, Your Grace…”
You shared another small laugh with Xinyan before noticing Yun Jin perk up, her eyes widening as if she had just had a sudden thought, and you found her red eyes looking right into your eyes.
“Oh, Your Grace, if you have the time, we actually require some of your help-”
“Well, now, what’s with all the commotion here?”
With the suddenness of a cheap indie jumpscare, a familiar figure popped up from between your little trio, springing onto her feet with her usual smile plastered on her face. The question of when she had snuck so close was wholly forgotten as Xinyan, Yun Jin, and you reacted appropriately.
“Wha- Hu Tao!” You clutched a hand to your chest. “Are you trying to give us all heart attacks?”
“Oh, no, no no! It’s far too early for you three!” The unwavering smile of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor director did little too soothe you, especially when she winked. “But… if you’re ever feeling unwell, Your Grace, I hope you’ll choose our humble business to make your exit a smooth one!”
“Director Hu, I highly doubt Their Grace will require our services anytime in the near future.”
“Hehe, you can never know~!”
The director was, of course, accompanied by the parlor’s consultant. His golden gaze moved from his boss to you, a hint of fondness softening the stoic expression displayed on his face.
“Zhongli!” You smiled at the sight of the consultant, Yun Jin and Xinyan greeting him with a bow and a wave respectively. “Am I to assume you two are currently on another advertising kick?”
“Yep, yep!” Hu Tao nodded. “New clients are always guaranteed, but we still must make sure all potential clients know exactly where all their farewell needs will be dealt with the proper respect.”
You hummed before looking at Zhongli. “And how many future clients have you two convinced?”
“The director… managed to get plenty of attention towards our business.”
Hu Tao playfully laughed. “Hey now, only time will tell how many clients take up our offer.”
You snorted and shook your head. “You… are certainly a handful, Hu Tao.”
“Mmm-hmm! But enough about me! What’s been going on with you three? While passing by, I couldn’t help but notice that you three all seemed to be having quite an interesting time together.”
“Just saving Xinyan from the Millelith, I suppose- oh!” You swiveled on your heel to face Yun Jin once more. “Right, you were asking for my help with something? What do you need from me?”
Yun Jin perked up again, seeming to remember she was about to request something before the shock of the funeral parlor’s staff arrival interrupted her, and nodded. “That’s right, Your Grace. I was just going to ask you about… I believe it’s called “Christmas” music? Yaoyao told us about it recently, and we were interested in learning more about it. We hoped that you’d help with that.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah!” Xinyan sported a brief look of confusion on her face before she also nodded, a smile appearing on her lips. “It sounds mighty interesting, Your Grace! I’d love to learn enough to perform music from your world! I’m sure there're plenty of rockin’ tunes you could tell us about.”
It took you a moment to process what they had said.
“You guys… want to learn about Christmas music?”
“Oooh!” Hu Tao leaned over your shoulder. “Music from Their Grace’s world? Count me in!”
Your gaze moved between the three ladies — the rocker, the opera singer, and the poet — who all stared back at you with interested gazes, before it flickered over to Zhongli, whose demeanor was more alert than it usually was around you… which you honestly should have expected; that he of all people would be interested in learning more about you in any capacity was no surprise.
“Uh… I guess I can teach you guys the songs I know? But don’t expect me to write down any of the melodies or anything. I have no skills in musical notation, especially if it’s just from memory.”
Xinyan waved her hand in dismissal. “You can just sing them for us, Your Grace.”
“Wha- wait, what? Me, sing?”
“To hear the Divine Creator sing…” Zhongli mused to himself, arms crossed with a finger held up to his chin. “...that would be quite the honor. It would make Glaze Lilies full-bloom, no doubt.”
You let out a weak laugh. “I-I’m not too sure about that…”
“Aw, come on, come on!” Hu Tao grabbed onto your shoulder, leaning in even closer, her face inches from your own. “Some people would find the chance to hear you sing worthy to die for!”
You took in a sharp inhale as you practically felt the hopes and expectations emitting from the four people around you, and eventually let out a long sigh, your shoulders coming to a slump.
“...fine, but how about we all go somewhere… not so public first?”
- - - - -
The two blue-haired boys in front of you each had a different expression on their face, one of which was a look of concern — though he was clearly trying to keep himself cool at the same time — while the other was fighting to hide the subtle hints of a smirk creeping onto his lips.
Your own face was a perfect display of confusion. “I… I’m sorry? What is this about?”
“Your Grace, I’ve heard rumors of a… a “Christmas” demon! But I’m unfortunately without any knowledge on what type of fiend it may be. I’m going to require your assistance to exorcise it.”
You stared at the young exorcist in front of you for a few seconds before looking to the second son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild, catching him hiding his laughter and disguising a snort that escaped as a cough with a closed fist over his mouth, and you slowly furrowed your eyebrows.
…that explains it.
“Well-” You looked at Chongyun again. “-the only Christmas “demon” I know of is “Krampus”.”
Chongyun raised a hand to his chin. “Such a sinister name… please, can you tell me everything you know about it? I must know as much as I can about the fiend in order to be able to stop it.”
“It kind of depends on who you ask, but, basically, Krampus is a demon who punishes naughty children around the time Christmas is celebrated. You know… the kind of children who cause a lot of trouble for other people, who misbehave and don’t play nice, who lie for no good reason.”
You glanced at Xingqiu, who had gone still with an almost worried smile at your expression.
“He’s covered in dark hair, has horns and hooves and fangs, and a long pointed tongue — oh, and he carries around chains, I think? Sometimes with bells. The punishments he doles out on bad children are stuff like swatting them on the butts with branches… or snatching them away in a basket to who-knows-where. To drown them or eat them… or something along those lines.”
“That… that’s horrible!” Chongyun appeared to actually get a bit heated as you spoke, his hands clenching into tight fists in front of his chest. “I must make sure to stop it before it hurts anyone!”
“Whoa there, Chongyun. Calm down and have a popsicle, ‘kay?” You let your lips curve up into a smile, and put a hand on the exorcist’s shoulder. “Krampus sure is a horrible guy and all… but he’s also fictional; just a character that parents tell their children about to make them behave, to teach them lessons about being nice and stuff. He’s not actually real — well, not that I know of, anyway — and, even if he was, he wouldn’t be anywhere in Teyvat. He’d be stuck in my world.”
Chongyun’s breathing was heavy, his face already flushed, but he managed to take one of his popsicles out and bite into it to calm himself. “Ugh, Your Grace… you could’ve started with that.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” You let go of Chongyun’s shoulder. “But how’d you even hear about Krampus? I don’t think I’ve told anyone about him before right now with you two.”
“Xingqiu told me about it.”
The guilty party put his hands up in defense as you looked at him. “H-Hey, I was just having a little fun. I honestly had no idea that there was actually a demon associated with Christmas.”
“An unlucky guess then, huh?” You paused for a moment. “...but how’d you even hear about Christmas? Did Yaoyao tell you about it too? It seems like the talk of the harbor nowadays…”
That innocent line of questioning had a greater chilling effect than his popsicle, it seemed, as Chongyun froze at the moment. Xingqiu stepped in and quickly pushed his friend aside, your hand leaving the exorcist’s shoulder to linger in the air. “She did inform us of it, yes. It sounds like a quaint holiday, so it makes sense that a child such as herself would want to tell everyone she knows about it. I admit, it has even perked my interest too, from everything I’ve been told.”
“...huh, that’s nice. I’m glad everyone seems to be enjoying the concept.”
There was something off about all this, but not in a bad way, so you brushed it off for now.
Xingqiu nodded as he continued to smile at you happily. “But now that that’s settled, we should get going. I’m sure you’ve got a busy schedule, Your Grace. We wouldn’t want to hold you up.”
Chongyun blinked, coming back to reality. “Ah, wait-”
“Tsk, Chongyun, you’re still all red. You should have another popsicle.”
The exorcist didn’t get a chance to speak again before Xingqiu stuffed another tasteless frozen treat into his mouth, the latter then hurriedly pushing his flustered friend away down the street.
“It was pleasant to speak with you, Your Grace!”
The two boys soon disappeared into the distance, leaving you standing there alone.
“Uh… bye, I guess?”
- - - - -
Another day, another surprise.
You blinked a few times, making sure that the lady you were looking at was actually there. You didn’t exactly have a history of having hallucinations, but everything had been… bizarre this last week or so, and it wouldn’t hurt you to just check that you were still all there up in your noggin.
“Lady Ningguang?”
“Your Grace, what a pleasant surprise.”
The Tianquan was calm, politely greeting you with a soft smile on her lips, a smile reserved for you and you alone. Her being was a living display of high-class status, the epitome of luxury…
…and she was currently just hanging out at the docks.
You were not someone who could criticize her for it, though; for some people, it was odd for you to be hanging around Liyue Harbor’s docks so casually, as no one really expected to see one of the gods they worshiped watching the ships or examining the goods of incoming, docked ships.
“Uh… so, what’re you doing here? Taking in the ocean breeze?”
Ningguang chuckled. “I simply have business to discuss with Beidou. It’s nothing of concern, but is important enough that I have decided to come see her myself as soon as she arrives.”
“Wait, the Alcor is docking soon?” You perked up, your gaze glancing between the water and Ninguang, who looked at the water herself. “Wow, my timing’s great! Mind if I wait with you?”
“I’d see it as an honor, Your Grace.”
You got into position beside Ningguang, leaning forward slightly as you looked out at the ships sailing across the nearby waters. The operation at the harbor was always so smooth, orderly, and satisfying — you were embarrassed to admit how much time you had spent just lingering around the docks whenever you visited Liyue, being a bystander to the comings and goings of the ships and the people working here. This time, however, you were trying to focus on spotting the Alcor among the other seacraft, assuming its distinct design would stand out among them.
The moment was quiet, aside from the waves and workers, until Ningguang spoke again.
“Your Grace, I’m planning to do a bit of decorating around the Jade Chamber.”
“Oh?”
“I was thinking about adding a tree.”
You paused for a few seconds, before slowly looking at Ningguang. “A… tree?”
“Yes, a tree. Would you have any suggestions for the type?”
Wow.
You suddenly forgot about every tree you have ever known about.
“Ah, hmm… well, it’s your Jade Chamber. You should choose whichever tree you prefer. I know you’ve got good taste, and will be able to fit anything you choose into your amazing aesthetics.”
“I should choose, you say…? Very well.”
You soon settled back into a comfortable silence, continuing to wait on the docks with subdued excitement pumping through your veins, before finally catching the sight of the Alcor making its way over to the docks. It took a while for the ship to actually dock, having to navigate around the multiple others nearby, but the moment that it had, Ningguang and you made your way over to it.
You passed by some of the crew members unloading various types of cargo, before seeing the captain of the ship walk down the gangplank, who smiled when she saw you and the Tianquan.
“The Tianquan AND Their Grace are here to greet me? Something serious must be up, huh?”
“Oh, no, nothing like that!” You smiled. “I just got lucky to be here as you got back.”
“Haha, you flatter me, Your Grace. I’d typically consider myself the lucky one.”
Ningguang shook her head just slightly, her expression more reserved than yours. “Although it’s not of any major concern, I do have something to discuss with you, Captain Beidou. Shall we?”
“Huh, alright.”
Beidou gave you a nod as she walked off with Ningguang to talk, the two women leaving you on your own. You found yourself curious about what they could be talking about, but figured it would be rude to try and eavesdrop or force yourself into the conversation; that, and your attention was finding itself quickly caught by something — or, rather, someone — else that you noticed nearby.
“Kazuha!”
The lips of the wandering samurai turned up into a smile after he heard you call out to him, your form practically bouncing over to him. His eyes followed your movements as he turned to you.
“Greetings, Your Grace.” He gave you a polite nod. “You appear to be in good spirits.”
You waved your hand to the side, before letting it fall to your side in a loose fist. “Aw, I’m always happy to see you. It’s probably impossible to not be; actually, no, it definitely is impossible.”
Kazuha let out a soft chuckle, his shoulders bouncing with the tiniest movements. “Your words today are as warm as the mid-afternoon sun, Your Grace. I’m glad. How have you been lately?”
“Mmm… normal, I guess. Though it feels like something fishy is going on around the harbor.”
“Oh…?”
You held back a snicker. “Get it? Fishy? But, really, I feel like something’s up.”
“That’s troubling. I can lend you my assistance if you desire?”
“Huh? Oh, no!” You waved your hands in front of yourself, your eyes widening just a bit as you continued to smile. “I’m sure it’s nothing big, and, besides, I wouldn’t want to bog down our time together with worries. I don’t see you often enough since you’re always on the road, traveling.”
“Ah, of course. If you’d like to hear it, I’ve come up with some new poetry since we last met.”
“Oooh! Then go ahead and bless my ears, Kazuha.”
The hustle and bustle of the docks faded away as you chatted with Kazuha, intently listening to each and every one of the poetic words falling from his mouth. You even tried coming up with a few poems yourself, but it was difficult to do it on the fly; the praise Kazuha gave your attempts kept you from being discouraged, though some of the metaphors you tried to use felt a lot more poetic in your mind than when you said them out loud. You were in the middle of thinking up how to describe a certain line in your next masterpiece when you realized a lot of time had passed.
You felt a presence approach from the side, and looked up to see Beidou standing there.
Ningguang was nowhere to be found when you gave your surroundings a quick once-over, her elegant presence absent from the nearby crowds, and that meant she must have left long ago.
The captain looked between you and Kazuha, her smile apologetic when her gaze stopped on you. “Sorry, Your Grace, but I have something to talk about with Kazuha. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Hmm? Oh, well… that’s fine. I should probably be going anyhow. See you around!”
You bid the two farewell, seeing them respond in kind, and started walking away from them.
Beidou kept her eye on you until you were completely gone, and she turned to Kazuha.
“Okay, so, there’s this thing called “Christmas”...”
- - - - -
“Please accept my offering, o’ great adeptus, and bless me with your presence this quiet night.”
“...you don’t have to do that, Your Grace.”
The evening air was cool, gentle breezes rolling in from the distance and brushing against you where you stood on the highest balcony in Wangshu Inn. The lanterns from inside and hanging by the doorway cast a warm glow outwards, giving the balcony a cozy atmosphere despite how it faced the dark landscapes of Bishui Plain, the warm hues of the land hidden within shadows.
Your hands held tightly onto a plate of Almond Tofu — expertly and lovingly crafted by your own hands, you were proud to admit — as you smiled at the familiar figure that appeared before you, the sight of the inn’s resident adeptus never failing to bring you joy. The dim lighting made it hard to tell, as well as his usual distant demeanor, but you swore that he was looking a little flustered.
“Aww, why not? Everyone else does it.”
Xiao crossed his arms over his chest. “But you’re not “everyone else”.”
“Hmph.” You pouted, extending your arms out to present the Almond Tofu to him. “Here, you can at least take this. I made it special, just for you. I worked hard to learn the recipe, from the best.”
He stared down at the plate in your hands for a few seconds, before he slowly uncrossed his arms and carefully took it from you. The adeptus continued to stare at the food you prepared while you stared at him, the faintest hint of a blush on his cheeks — you internally cursed to yourself about the lack of decent lighting in this moment — before he finally took the first bite.
You spent just a moment watching Xiao carefully savor your expert culinary craftsmanship, and then looked out at the water and shadowed silhouettes of the nearby mountains, leaning yourself against the wooden railing of the balcony. The wood was cold and rough within your tight grip.
“...you know, everyone’s been acting really strange lately. Not in a bad way, but still.”
Your lips parted as you sighed, adjusting your arms to have your elbows on the railing.
“Even the other adepti are being weird. I tried to visit Cloud Retainer in Liyue Harbor, but Shuyu told me that she was really busy, even though she’s normally willing to take a break to chat with me whenever I drop by. Don’t even ask me how the other two are doing, I spent a good amount of time looking around their domains but wasn’t able to find them. It just feels like… like I’m being left out of something; like everyone is hiding something from me. Something that feels… major.”
You turned your head to look at Xiao. “Would you have any idea why?”
The adeptus briefly paused, his gaze meeting yours after having seemingly moved to you while you were talking, before wiping off the almond tofu around his mouth with the back of his hand.
“I…”
He hesitated, his eyes shifting away from you.
- - -
“As one of the Divine Creator’s vessels, you HAVE to come.” Hu Tao had a wide smile on her lips, her hands clenched together into tight fists in front of her chest. “Besides, it’ll be totally fun!”
The adeptus looked uncertain, his gaze shifting to the man accompanying the funeral director.
Zhongli met Xiao’s eyes with a soft smile, giving him a nod as well. “Indeed. Their Grace seems to also be quite fond of this “Christmas” business. It would be a shame if you did not participate.”
“Yeah, yeah!” Hu Tao nodded frantically, bouncing into the space between the adeptus and her consultant to direct the attention back to herself. “Come on…! It’ll only be the other vessels and adepti there. There’s no need to be all cautious and standoffish about it, so what do you say…?”
Xiao still looked conflicted, his eyebrows furrowed, before soon letting out a sigh.
“...very well. For the Divine Creator’s sake.”
Hu Tao clapped her hands. “Yay!”
“Just make sure to keep it a secret from Their Grace, if you end up encountering Them before then.” Zhongli looked pleased with Xiao’s answer, although he was much calmer than his boss was. “It’s supposed to be a “surprise party”, so try to avoid spoiling its existence at all costs.”
The adeptus nodded, crossing his arms.
“Got it.”
- - -
You couldn’t say for sure what exactly was going on inside Xiao’s head, but the expression on his face made it look like he was having some kind of internal war with himself, a struggle with the proverbial “rock and a hard place” that left him not looking forward to picking either option he was presented with. This was probably the most readable his feelings had ever been to anyone.
“Uh… hey, you don’t have to answer, Xiao.”
The adeptus appeared to snap back to reality, blinking as he looked at you.
You slightly smiled as you pushed yourself off of the railing. “I can kind of assume what’s going on. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't going crazy and seeing something out of nothing.”
Xiao’s lips parted, the softest exhale leaving them. “...I can’t lie to you, Your Grace.”
“Then just don’t say anything.”
You winked at him, your tongue sticking out from your lips. “And you should be busy eating the Almond Tofu I made you, anyways. It’s rude to speak while your mouth’s full, don’tcha know?”
Xiao briefly glanced back down at the plate in his hands, before he nodded.
“...okay.”
- - - - -
“Your presence is requested at the Jade Chamber.”
That was what you were told, but you weren’t able to think of any important reason of why that might be. You had always made sure to greatly distance yourself to the extreme from anything major regarding Liyue’s leadership — no political decision-making or “ruling with an iron fist” for you, even if some folks acted like your word was the single most important thing in all of Teyvat.
The Yuheng and the general secretary both knew that about you very well.
“Is… it for something important? Or does Ningguang just want to, like… play chess with me?”
Ganyu and Keqing shared a brief look with each other, before the former looked back at you, a bit of a nervous frown now on her lips. “It’s… nothing bad, but you should go see for yourself.”
“Here.” Keqing gestured for you to follow after her. “We can escort you.”
You looked down at Keqing’s hand for just a moment, before everything clicked.
The stranger-than-usual behavior of everyone lately… the random-but-very-frequent mentions of Christmas… and now you being requested to such a place as the Jade Chamber practically out of the blue. You even thought about how you couldn’t find a single one of the vessels around the harbor today, despite how you walked through the entire city front-to-back and back-to-front and side-to-side, checking each and every nook and cranny with the hope of finding someone.
You smiled.
“Oh, no, that’s okay. I can get us there quicker.”
You grabbed Keqing’s outstretched hand, the warm hue of her face matching Ganyu’s after you had grabbed the half-qilin’s hand too. Your grip was gentle but firm as you stood between them.
“You- Your Grace…”
“H-Hey, wait-!”
Within seconds, you heard the familiar teleporting sound resonate inside your head before you and your two current companions were warped up onto the platform of the Jade Chamber…
…only to hear a muffled thud accompanying a sudden cold, wet sensation that landed on you.
It felt like a worse version of getting an ice cube put down the back of your shirt.
The powdery substance slid off of the upper-half of your face after you blinked your eyes a few times, which revealed to you that what had just covered you was a thick blanket of snow, and it had also trapped Keqing and Ganyu, turning you three into vaguely self-shaped snow mounds.
You were completely befuddled at this situation.
Snow? At this time of year, in this part of Liyue, localized entirely within the Jade Chamber?
You attempted to shift around, eventually managing to catch sight of the cause of the surprise snowfall. There was a strange machine that almost resembled a snowblower from your world, water being poured into one end and snow coming out of an upwards-chute-like exit located on the other end. The snow coming out now fell softly to the ground, unlike what had just hit you.
The one who created the device crossed her arms, pushing her glasses up slightly.
“Hmph. If the Divine Creator wishes for it to snow, then one shall make it snow.”
“Wow, Aunty Cloud Retainer! You’re amazing!”
Yaoyao looked up at the adeptus with awe, clapping her hands with a bright smile.
You continued to look around — as much as you could in your new form as a snowman — and saw several others lingering about the area, all of which had been mysteriously missing today.
The musicians and performers were all gathered near a small stage that had been set up, doing last-minute checks and practice from what you could tell. You took a few moments to take in the sight of it before you snapped out of your thoughts and focused to hear them through the snow.
Gaming shook his hands out, Man Chai following his lead and shaking his whole body out. “Aha, I’ve been practicing for days and everything, but I’m still getting so nervous all of a sudden…”
“Pre-show jitters, huh?” Xinyan stood on the stage, fiddling with her guitar as she looked down at the Wushou dancer with a slight, unsure smile. “Can’t help but have them myself right now too.”
Yun Jin walked across the stage, her head tilted up to check the decorations hanging up. “Their Grace is so kind, there shouldn’t be any reason to worry… but I can understand the feeling.”
“Hey, hey, just don’t get so nervous you have a heart attack.” Hu Tao had the only smile near the stage free of hesitation. “The business would be nice, but it would be way too inconvenient now.”
There was another section where a buffet had been laid out, Xiangling hovering over the spread with her gaze flickering around to all the various dishes, almost like she was looking for anything that needed any last-minute adjustments made. Guoba stood on a chair next to the chef, putting his paws on the edge of the table as he looked between the dishes and at her with a happy aura.
“I had to make a few guesses here and there about the recipes, even with the advice from Their Grace…” Xiangling furrowed her brows before letting out a sigh. “I hope They like everything.”
“I’m sure They will.” Madame Ping had a gentle smile on her face as she glanced at the food the young chef had prepared. “It all looks and smells absolutely wonderful, there’s no doubt about it.”
Beidou nodded and chuckled. “Now, this is what I call a feast! You outdid yourself, Xiangling!”
“It all sure looks… interesting.”
Yanfei tilted her head, her eyes moving down along the long buffet table as she spoke.
“I… I’m having trouble making out what some of these dishes are, though.”
Xiangling smiled at the reassurances. “Oh, don’t worry. I can explain everything, if you’d like.”
Your attention, however, was soon captured by the main centerpiece of the whole occasion: a beautiful Sandbearer tree decorated with lanterns of all colors, all organized to create the most breathtaking sight you had seen all day. There were actually a lot of lanterns hanging around all over, now that you were conscious of their presence; it almost resembled Lantern Rite, in a way.
Well, a Lantern Rite that was being held on a very miniature scale.
“This is very pleasant.” Kazuha looked up at the tree, his hand over his chest. “I never imagined that a “Christmas tree” would look like this. It brings to the mind a kaleidoscope of Crystalflies.”
Ningguang had her arms crossed, also standing nearby to admire the tree she had put up and decorated to a degree befitting her luxurious aesthetics. “I was informed that the tree was to be decorated in lights and ornaments. I believe Their Grace will be quite pleased with the result.”
“Their Grace has some intriguing traditions from Their world.” Zhongli placed a hand to his chin in thought, his eyes briefly breaking away from the tree. “No wonder They spoke of it so highly.”
By this point, you were getting cold. Way too cold. So cold you felt stiff.
You shook the snow off as you took in a deep breath.
“Okay, that was an experience…”
“Your Grace?!”
You felt two dozen pairs of eyes land on your form as everyone’s head snapped towards your direction, the sound of your voice might as well having been a siren to their ears — your arrival had been expected to be normal, after taking the long route instead of the shortcut you chose to take instead, with some semblance of warning. You smiled bashfully, pulling a now-unconscious Ganyu and Kequing out of their snow piles since you were still holding their hands all this time.
“Hehe… guess I’m not the only one surprised at this surprise party, then?”
- - - - -
Today was the day you discovered how good Guoba and Man Chai made for living Warmies, your once-shivering and soaked body able to warm up and dry off after only a short but sweet cuddle session with them. The party couldn’t start until you were comfortable, after all… as well as until Keqing and Ganyu finally regained consciousness and also got themselves warmed up.
…and the start was unforgettable.
“Behold, Your Grace-”
Truly unforgettable.
“-for one has donned the appearance of a Christmas hero spoken of in tales from your home.”
There, standing in front of you, were some of the adepti, and although the three ladies and Xiao were in their human forms at the party, the other two men were not. That included Moon Carver, the one who had spoken to you first when they approached, who proudly stood in front of you in his stag form… with a glowing red nose — likely made possible by adepti magic, you assumed.
You briefly recalled telling Yaoyao and Qiqi about some stories related to Christmas, which, of course, included “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. Turning slightly away for a moment, you raised a hand to cover the smile slowly growing on your lips as you tried to calm yourself down.
“Yeaaah…” Your voice wavered, you being unable to stop your eyes glancing to and from Moon Carver. “Christmas would’ve been cancelled if not for Rudolph. He’s a… a true hero, alright…”
The snort that slipped from your lips went unnoticed by Moon Carver, the adeptus preening at your approval. The planned festivities luckily continued on before you actually started laughing.
- - - - -
They had only had about a week to prepare, but the musical performance was probably one of the, if not the, best thing you had ever witnessed in your life; most everyone had gathered into a crowd in front of the stage as Xinyan, Hu Tao, and Gaming took their places in the spotlight. You were almost too enamoured with the show to notice how Yun Jin occasionally snuck a couple of glances at you from her spot in the crowd next to you, a smile growing on her lips at your own.
The musicians had taken the songs that you told — or, rather, sang to — them and used them as inspiration to come up with a brand-new Christmas song, complete with Xinyan’s rock guitar and Hu Tao’s iconic rapping. Gaming had even created a special routine to go along with all of it.
“Bravo!” You clapped your hands frantically after the performance finished, a whoop escaping your lips as you cheered. “That was… incredible! I loved it! I’ve never seen anything like it!”
The sense of relief that left the performers’ bodies was noticeable, their forms relaxing as your praise finally casted away all of the tension that had plagued them from their pre-show nerves.
“I’m glad, Your Grace.” Yun Jin smiled. “We only had so much time, but we worked really hard.”
“I can tell.” Your cheeks hurt a little from how much you were smiling, and you tilted your head. “I hope I get to see it again someday. That was way too good to be just a one-time performance.”
Gaming let out a chuckle, a sense of weariness in his tone. “I’d be happy to dance for you again, Your Grace. Just… I still need a moment to calm down from the excitement of the first time.”
“Oh-ho! But I’m ready for round two right now!” Hu Tao pumped her fists as she snickered. “I knew Their Grace couldn’t resist my excellent rhyming skills! I could do this all day, any day!”
Xinyan adjusted her grip on her guitar as she looked back at the stage they performed on. “Uh, I think we may have gone a little overboard with the pyrotechnics, though… even for me, heh…”
You followed the rocker’s gaze to the stage, seeing that it… kind of didn’t exist anymore, with all that remained being a stage-shaped pile of charred wood. Given that three Pyro users had used it for their performance, where they had turned up the heat to give you the show of a lifetime, you should have expected this, especially considering Xinyan’s track record with this sort of thing.
You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.
“Yeah, okay, I think one performance is enough for today, then.”
- - - - -
“Wow, I didn’t know you had such an appetite, Your Grace.”
Xiangling’s eyes were wide as she looked at your plate, which was piled high with servings from the buffet. There was a little of everything, as you wanted to try all of the different dishes that had been prepared by the chef; some looked traditional, and very close to what you had described to her about, while others clearly had creative choices made during their creation. There were also some traditional Liyue dishes being offered — considering how many people were present at the party, Xiangling really made sure that there would be enough food for everyone to have their fill.
You held your plate carefully in front of you. “I can’t help it. Everything looks so good.”
It appeared that many others also held the same opinion, almost everyone filling up their plates with various dishes from the buffet. There were plenty of options; everyone could eat something.
“What is this…?” Ganyu observed a red jam-like substance in one of the bowls, tapping it gently with the small spoon that was provided for folks to scoop it. “It smells like some kind of fruit…?”
“Ah, that’s Valberry sauce!” Xiangling piped up and moved over to the half-qilin. “Their Grace mentioned a dish made with this type of berry called a “Cranberry”, so I had to find a similar substitute. You should be able to eat it, Miss Ganyu. It doesn’t contain any animal products.”
“What I’m more interested in is that!” Beidou pointed to what-could-be-considered the main dish of the whole spread, her eye and smile both wide. “Now that looks like something real special.”
Xiangling smiled as she made her way over to the captain. “That’s a three-bird roast called a “gooducken”. It’s a chicken inside of a duck inside of a goose. I had to do a lot to get it right.”
Beidou let out a long hum. “Oooh, that sounds impressive! I’ll have a big portion, then!”
“I should try something new too…” Keqing looked between her plate and the buffet, a small frown coming to her face. “...but all that I’ve got on my plate is Golden Shrimp Balls so far…”
“Ah! Chongyun! Qiqi! The cold dishes are over here.” Xiangling directed the two over to one side of the buffet table, waving them over while gesturing to the dishes. “There’s plenty for you to try.”
“Here, I’ll help!” Yaoyao scooped food onto Qiqi’s plate. “This looks good. Make sure to eat it all!”
“Okay.”
Chongyun held his plate away from Xingqiu, his eyes shifting between his friend and the food he was putting onto his plate. “Please don’t try to sneak anything spicy onto my plate this time.”
“Why, I would never.” Xingqiu chuckled, a hand held up in defense. “What a random accusation.”
“Your Grace…” Baizhu eyed your plate as you took a seat next to him, his gaze scanning all of the generous portions you served yourself. “I’m not entirely knowledgeable on how much a god can eat, but make sure not to overstuff yourself. I can’t imagine it’d be good for your stomach.”
“I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises!”
And after stuffing yourself full of Xiangling’s cooking, it felt like a happy mistake in the end.
- - - - -
The party was going well so far; after the performance and initial serving of food, it was nice to see everyone mingling together and having fun. You scanned the area, taking in the groups that the characters formed amongst themselves, before refocusing your attention back on what you were doing: being busy at the “Winter Weather Device” Cloud Retainer built for the occasion.
And snow was actually a lot more pleasant when you weren’t buried under a heavy blanket of it.
“Shenhe, if I ever get into a snowball fight, I’m recruiting you to my team.”
The woman stared at you, seriously. “I would slay all your foes if need be, Your Grace.”
“Aha… snowball fights aren’t that serious, but thanks.”
You continued to pat down the snow you held into a snowball, the cold flakes a higher-quality than what nature ever made. The water used to make them apparently came from the adepti abodes, which, of course, was why the snow was so soft and powdery, like from a fairytale.
“I’m…” Yanfei stood by you, also crafting a snowball in her hands — which shook slightly from the cold steeping into her fingers — at your insistence. “...not sure I see the appeal in this.”
“The appeal is the glory of victory over your foes.”
“...right.”
Yanfei left the snowball she had made in the growing pile by your feet. You watched the younger partygoers play in the snow, stomping around and making vaguely snowman-like structures out of the cold flakes, before you felt someone approach you from behind, and turned to face them.
“Yelan! Hey! I didn’t notice you were here, are you having fun?”
Yelan let out a soft exhale, the warm light of the nearby stone lanterns illuminating her face from below as she faintly smiled. “It’s hard not to have a good time when you’re around, Your Grace.”
“D’aw, you’re just flattering me. I know how you work.”
You snorted as Yelan chuckled at your comment, before a thought struck you.
“Oh! I just realized I haven’t seen you around for a while! Where’ve you been this entire time?”
“Places.”
“Doing what?”
“Things.”
You stared at Yelan for a few seconds, her gaze amused as she stared back.
“...okay, then. Keep your secrets.”
You played with the snowball in your hands, rolling it back and forth between your palms as you briefly pondered all of the mysterious — and probably legally-dubious — things Yelan must have been up to this past week and a half, before you were snapped out of your thoughts by the sight of a wrapped box being held in front of your face. The hand holding it was Yelan’s, the shiny bow adorning the tiny rectangular container bending in the gentle evening breeze that was blowing by.
The box was pushed into one of your hands, the snowball now held in the other.
“Here. For you. I hear giving gifts is a custom for this little holiday we’re celebrating, hm?”
“Where’d you hear about… no, wait, never mind. I’m not gonna get an answer, am I?”
“You know me too well, Your Grace.” Yelan chuckled again, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly as she smiled at you. “If you were anyone else, that’d be a problem. But if it’s you, it’s just fine.”
You had never felt so lucky to be yourself as you did right now.
“I suppose I’ll let you rejoin the rest of the party now. Everyone worked so very hard to put this whole thing together just for you, I shouldn’t keep you from rewarding them with your attention.”
Yelan turned away from you, glancing over her shoulder as she walked away.
“I’ll be watching. May we meet again soon, Your Grace.”
- - - - -
Despite all of the fun you were having, the party sadly couldn’t go on forever.
The daylight soon blended into night, and with it, the guests started to take their leave. The first to go were the youngest of the characters — Qiqi left with Baizhu and Changsheng, Yaoyao with Cloud Retainer, Madame Ping and most of the other adepti. Yaoyao had even started to doze off at that point, requiring her to be carried by Cloud Retainer. Shenhe also left with the latter group.
Then went the next youngest: Xingqiu, Chongyun, Xiangling, Hu Tao, Yun Jin, Gaming… before they left, you made sure to give both Guoba and Man Chai another extra tight hug for the road.
Those who had work the next day soon followed. Yanfei, Keqing, and Ganyu all gave you polite goodbyes as they left, and Yelan vanished into the dark as easily as she had appeared to you.
Beidou left after saying goodbye to you and Ningguang, who simply headed inside of the Jade Chamber after bidding you a good night. Kazhua left with the pirate caption, his farewell another one of his poems that you were unfortunately too tired to think of one of your own in response to.
The harbor seemed to glow below the Jade Chamber as the city’s lanterns lit up in the absence of the sun. You fiddled with the gift from Yelan in your hands, still wrapped up and unopened.
“Your Grace, would I be correct in saying the surprise party was a success?”
You brought your gaze back up from Liyue Harbor and turned to see Zhongli approaching to stand beside you, his arms politely folded behind his back and his eyes focused on your face.
You smiled, giving him a nod. “Oh, yeah! It was so much fun! And I’m definitely going to figure out how to thank everyone for it, especially Yaoyao and Qiqi since they planned the whole thing!”
His lips turned up into a soft smile. “I’m very pleased to hear you say that, Your Grace.”
Your gaze shifted from the man standing next to you to the roof of the Jade Chamber, and you waved at Xiao to come join you and Zhongli. The legendary boy-adeptus had kept his distance from most others during the party, opting to watch from the rooftops as an onlooker rather than an active participant in it, though you were just happy that he was near all the festive energy.
With a sudden burst of green and black wisps, Xiao was at your side.
You looked at the adeptus with an enthused smile. “Sooo… did you enjoy yourself, Xiao?”
“...as long as the party made you happy, then I’m happy, Your Grace.”
You clutched a hand over your heart. “Xiao… you’re too sweet.”
This felt like the perfect ending to a perfect celebration, and as you looked between the adeptus and the Archon, you only felt all warm and fuzzy — it was almost too much for you. Almost.
“Hey, I don’t feel like sleeping just yet. Let’s go for a walk around the harbor together.”
“We’d be honored to, Your Grace.”
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monstermoviedean · 1 month ago
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if you have a good vibe/kind thought to spare and could send it my way. i'd really appreciate it.
#saying goodbye to my friend murphy tomorrow#i'll be okay. it's the right decision and i'll get through.#life is just going to be really hard and sad for a while#i don't want to talk about it in any detail but i feel like i have to say it out loud#and i have this paranoid anxiety thought that's like if I don't tell people he's gone they will ask about him#snd I won't be able to handle that for a little while#I don't need acknowledgment or sympathy. I don't need to talk to anyone. I don't need cheer-up fodder#so no need to send me anything or talk to me about it really i promise#just if you can take a second to love and appreciate the animals in your life. that would be really nice.#you don't have to tell me about it it would just be nice to feel there's love out there#writing this all out is making me feel so stupid. i've deleted and rewritten several times#but i gotta because it would be a lot worse if i was worrying about not talking about it#so yeah. no need for likes or comments or dms or asks or anything. just give someone some love for me ok?#murphy is the senior yellow lab you may have seen me post pics of sometimes. he's my parents' dog but he's my buddy.#and he's gotten me through a lot. like a lot a lot#and i'm going to miss the hell out of him#and i'm so worried about my parents. they're going to have a much worse time than me.#and they don't need anything else on their plates right now#it's just everything you know?#and all at the same time too. 2024 has been just one gut punch after the other#so yeah. if you could give your pet a hug or a treat or a scratch or take them on their favorite walk. that would be awesome#this was good actually typing all this nonsense out helped a little. still don't want to talk about it but at least i have ideas for#the 'leave me the fuck alone' email i'm going to send everyone tomorrow at work
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deoidesign · 7 months ago
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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zoennes · 27 days ago
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30 NOVEMBER, 2019 • ZATERDAG, 09:41
#wtFOCK#Skam#Zoë Loockx#Senne De Smet#Zoenne#LOVE HURTS#Veerle Dejaeger#Nathan Naenen#wtFOCKEdit#SkamverseDaily#SkamRemakesEdit#s3#3x08#I remember people coming to talk to me about this clip the day it dropped bc they were happy about it and I was like…#have we watched the same clip? excuse me I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken heart from the floor#no but really I understand them both so deeply here it’s the worsttttt 💔#first she’s making the right decision but that doesn’t make it a happy moment. it’s SO SAD SHE IS HAVING TO MAKE THIS DECISION SHE’S 16!#OFC if we were still in Zoë’s POV this would have never been an issue but the writers really thought they’d convince me +#my babies had unlearned how to communicate SMH they were the best at it okay? this right here is EFFING BULLSHIT#but considering it’s what they were going for I get why they’re acting the way they’re acting and it hurts#because Zoë thinks Senne wants for her to make Viktor pay for everything he’s done wrong in his life and she’s feeling like her own trauma#and how hard it still is for her to talk about it isn’t being acknowledged by him…#and Senne oh he really wants her to do it bc 1- he feels that what went on is his fault & he desperately needs his half brother to PAY +#FOR WHAT HE DID TO HER! HE’S KNOWN THE GUY HIS WHOLE LIFE (PROBABLY KNOWS THE ACCIDENT IN THE PAST MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN AN ACTUAL ACCIDENT)#they have history and that makes everything even more awful bc he doesn’t understand why Zoë doesn’t feel like testifying#I don't believe that Senne would have been this incisive hadn't he ~known~ her ab*ser#I mean I think he would have accepted her decision way more easily if he didn't feel responsible for what happened 😔#she’s been feeling all alone in her anguish and at the same time starts pushing him away#it’s painful to see how the two of them are trying here. He’s so trying to support her no matter what#and she’s so trying to be strong for herself but her eyes are teary she can barely look at him it’s too much 😭❤️‍🩹
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silkjade · 4 months ago
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
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#or ​maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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rahabs · 25 days ago
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Honestly pretty done trying to make friends in this fandom on servers.
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moeblob · 9 months ago
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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joshuamj · 2 months ago
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also i watch The Wild Robot the other day and oh my god 11/10, absolutely beautiful in every sense of the word, would cry again 👍
#josh talks#literally i cried several times throughout the movie#i do tend to be a crier when it comes to movies#but i have never cried like. in so many instances throughout#like usually its like a big climatic scene or the endings of things that make me cry#but this movie could hit you hard from the very beginning#anyway i absolutely fucking loved it#hit me in the Autism Feels (tm) and also had Found Family and i always eat that shit up#i NEED a physical copy of this movie#also side note the minecraft movie trailer played as a preview for this movie and GOD is that embarrassing for minecraft#to have that mess shown before the stunning masterpiece that is The Wild Robot#but it also made me Sad about the minecraft movie and what it couldve been again#imagine if the love and care put into the Wild Robot was put into the minecraft movie....#cuz the wild robot was gorgeously animated and had powerful emotional themes (that i doubt the minecraft movie will have)#there was even this preview for this movie called like Dog Man or something?#and it seems to be an adaptation of a book by the captain underpants guy#and even with such a silly premise and presumably having a target audience of young kids#it was animated so charmingly!! it was pretty and oozed personality!#and looking at the cover of the book it seems to have done a good job of adapting the artstyle into 3D while#also polishing it up while still capturing a similar vibe as the original#like dang. i dont mean to insult dog man cuz i really dont know anything about it. but dang dog man got#so much more love and care into it than the minecraft movie seems to have gotten#anyway sorry to derail from wild robot to minecraft it was just so jarring to have that trailer play before this awesome movie#pls go watch it if u can <3#ive been telling people i know that if they decide to go watch it to tell me so i can tag along and watch it again
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months ago
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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moonchild-in-blue · 7 months ago
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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