#but sometimes my mom makes me feel bad for that

[autisticfaun420]

Autism and Fecal Smearing

I want to get this out of the way first so I'm just gonna say it, I struggle with this awful habit which is called diaper digging and fecal smearing, this post (and blog for that matter) I don't want to shy away from talking about this stuff. So yeah if I have a bowel accident, am frustrated/overstimulated/angry/sad, and am left alone for a few minutes I tend to do this. It's not as bad as before because I have preventative measures in place, like special onesies that make it so I can't remove my diaper myself (ughhh whatever...) and crunchy scented textured slime that my mom will add even more scent to just to make it overwhelming. The average number of episodes has been greatly reduced but I had one a couple weeks ago when my onesies were in the watch so the topic is fresh on my mind.

A lot of caregivers and autism parents are mystified and baffled by this habit and wonder why we do it. I can't speak for everyone, only myself, but to me personally the scent and texture of feces is so overwhelming and strong that I get a "high" from it. I take cannabis edibles daily and my parents let me get drunk once a month so I'll say its very comparable. I get a rush from it. My life can be so monotonous sometimes that smearing crap feels like getting away with a bank robbery, I go from extremely angry to feeling before then to like a happy giddy kid without a care in the world. I zone out so hard that I end up smearing it all over my face, walls, floor, and if it gets in my mouth I'm usually too far gone to care. I do not do it because I'm mad at my parents, I do not do it because I want to get back at them for something, I simply do it because my need for sensory input is so strong and when I'm about to go into a potentially violent meltdown I reach for the sensory nuke when my normal things to stim with just won't cut it. No high is complete without the crash and there's a crash. Seeing my parents and one of my unlucky friends SOOOOOOO unreasonably mad, it's terrifying. My parents got used to it and eventually just shrugged it off but I have heard them lose their cool over it several times and have heard my name and every cuss word in the book the room over where they clean. Not nice of them but I do not blame them one bit but the feeling inside hearing that is very real for me. I guess they got too good at shrugging it off. I had an incident where I smeared in the bathroom of one of my high school friends, very chill guy, look at me and scream at the top of my lungs, and punched a hole in the wall in the living room. I didn't know the painting he had in his bathroom was that rare but I ruined it completely and that's why he reacted that way. He could of done better but I do not blame him one bit. After that though seeing a side of that friend that I never seen before scared me into wearing the stupid onesie suit every day without fuss or a fight when before I would. Not only the suit but I have the replacement slime on me at all times, if I have a BM I tend to just pull it out and play with it. This doubles up as subtly letting my parents know I need a change, which I like cause I don't have to ask verbally which can feel kinda degrading sometimes. There is one good thing that has happened with this though. My hippie parents looked at my turd stained walls and thought I had some latent artistic talent and needed self expression and bought me art and painting supplies. They were misguided, it didn't prevent any incidents but I still took the art well. My therapist at the time had some art connections and the art I made was featured in what's known as an "outsider art" gallery. I sold a few pieces for 300-600 each. It's just a little bit bitter sweet cause if you've seen the King of the Hill episode about the Probots or just know a bit about outsider art in general, you'd know the way they market it is kind of, problematic to say the least. The gallery's artist profile for me made me out to be some kind of idiot dunce and made my parents look like heroic geniuses for spotting this talent or some shit and it's embarrassing that my artwork sold most likely cause of that over the strength of the art. Like oh wow look at this stupid R word who plays with poop his cool parents are soo smart, ughhhh. However I guess that's just the art game and I'm super proud of myself I made a couple thousand dollars of MY OWN money, it meant the world to me to have it. I'm not allowed to post my artwork on here and I wish I could share it with you on MY terms and not the gallery's but my parents are worried it could come back to my identity.

I want to end this post by saying if you engage in fecal smearing you are not stupid, broken, or filthy. You are a human being desperate for relief and you took the fastest way to get it. Shout out to all my autistic homies who smear or have smeared, I see you and you are loved.

[arcaneconfessions]

Actually,  I don't like the concept of Felicia because she oversimplifies the story and creates plot holes.

Now suddenly Vander didn't pick up two orphans because he blamed himself for the violence, and wanted it to stop. It's not because he saw how it affected the children of Zaun, and decided right there to make a change for the future.  But because he happened to know their mom (which then brings the question. If Felicia's kids are so important to him, why are they in the thick of things? You'd think they'd have them somewhere safer.)

Also, in season one act one, Silco didn't know the kids. And even ignoring that plot hole, it still muddies things up.  Now his arc isn't about learning to care for a child, and understanding how that kind of personal connection can change your perspective. Because, he already cared for them before his sad sad case of amnesia. 

So now it's about him caring about the girls, then not caring, then caring about Jinx again. That's not an arc, that's a meandering circle. 

Instead of the men bonding with the respective girls,  because of their own personality and history. Where Vander was dealing with his own guilt, and trying to attone. Where Silco saw his own trauma reflected in Jinx, and chose to guide her in the way he wished to be. It's now “Oh they know their mom, that's why!” Which is far less intriguing and character driven.

Speaking of, instead of their fallout- and Vander’s subsequential murder attempt- being about the widening gap of their ideologies, or plans. It's now been boiled down to “When she died, I lost my head”

Okay, but that's worse. You do get how this is worse, right. Instead of Silco being the thing “worse than enforcers” as said before. He was someone mourning his friend, just to get nearly murdered by his other friend who decided to blame it all on him. 

Then, we're left to actually try to figure out when this drowning attempt even happened, since we now confirmed it's during the day of ash. Are we to believe that Vander dropped his gauntlets (symbolically representing his path of non violence) picked up the girls, tucked them into bed...then took Silco down by the river? That kind of flies in the face of the characterization Vander gave himself in the letter, of it being a heat of the moment thing.  Ya know, for Felicia.

And is now a good time to mention that Vander appears younger in the drowning flashback,  than he did in the opening scene? I was led to believe it happened years before. Absolutely muddled.

And, when everyone just happens to know everyone else, then the world just feels smaller. Which is a shame, because the team behind season one made non champion characters, to avoid this very feeling.

Not everything is about shipping, sometimes people hate bad writing…because it's bad. Also, she's in a committed relationship with Connol, and even having his baby. In what way would anyone assume that she's “getting in the way” of any ship? (Unless you have a Connol ship you're passionate about, I guess?)

You're not gonna convince me that inventing a fridged woman to slap on top of Silco and Vander’s backstory is feminist in any way. 

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[mar3ggiata]

My sister never worked for our mom, she's a normal child.

She plays tennis. She's good at school. I would loooove to be as good as her, I recently found out I quiet like reading. I read this book called Fairy Oak, about two fairy sisters. I don't really have time to read these days cause I work so much. My uncle does my homework. I can't get bad grades cause my teachers are all scared of my family. I can't fail cause I'm who I am. I know it's kinda unfair, but with all the work I do for mom, I really don't have time to study…

I started working when I was really young, I think I was 10. My uncle told me he saw me playing with bullets on the kitchen floor as a baby and he knew I would be a good fit for the family. I start at 3pm. I have a route I need to follow and people to meet. They gave me money, which I have to count and then I give them drugs. I don't know a lot about cocaine, I know you snort it and it's 50euros per bag. I have pills, I have marijuana, but only on the weekend, business is slow on weekdays. Sometimes adults try to fool me, I have a knife for when that happens. I don't like hurting people, but what can I do? I mean, I go around with this backpack full of fucking drugs and I'm not even 18, I need to make sure they respect me, and not just for who my mom is. Is it wrong i even kinda like it when they’re frightened? I like how it makes me feel, you know, their fear…

Anyways…

- the night of the tarantula c2

if you don’t know what i’m talking about read this first: ph

coming soooon xx

[mylove-thresher]

(no pookie… you don’t get it… it’s not like that… 💔/j)

I can see why you’d associate no face to an unpleasant person irl it makes sense actually. also. Me when Time And Effort™️ 😰

Also WHAT

Erm! What the skibidi slicers was that made for. Anyway.

(bro every time playing Roblox is mentioned I just. Bc my social anxiety was so bad I couldn’t even play until like a few months ago when my friends were all trying to convince me to make an acc and I can’t even play without at least one of them bc it’d be so agonizingly awkward for me I’d uninstall it and forget my acc 😭 (thresher lore wtf)) bro i have like two libraries near me and I don’t know the other one 😞 also your mom is so silly bc i feel her sometimes idk how to read bc i get confused between western comic and manga esp in fanmade stuff where they don’t always specify xd

actually you just reminded me I haven’t used wattpad in like. 2 years. And I used it once for like two caejose reposted djs (I was in my part 2 era back then. I wish I still loved it as much bc it’s also a good part but the part 5 brainrot w my kinnies kitty witties is too strong.)

LMAO YES like bro is NOT playing w that paycheck. Tbh polpo would prob punish him in horrible ways if he fuck that shi up considering it’s the mafia so um. Bruno is not geeked out. He knows the next step of the operation/ref

honestly Twitter rlly isn’t that bad when you’re on the right corner of it. And only when you’re in the right corner of the right corner. BUT it’s chill and there’s a lot of art and funny stuff on it. And also the most foul out of pocket shit(/pos or /neg). BUT.

Stop posting about ANGST. I’m tired of seeing it! My friends on TikTok send me ANGST. On discord it’s fucking ANGST. I was in studio origami right? And all of the channels were just ANGST. I showed my super scuffle art to my girlfriend I said his name when the ANGST is ANGST./ref

ohhh the duality of an ambient. Sigh. When the social juices kick in when they want.

You remembering som and ur friend not remembering it is so real bc tell me why I remember the most minute detail of a story a friend tells me and they don’t 😭 why must the brain constantly be under the effects of the glognut from regretevator… (glognut my beloved. Very overwhelming. I love it.)

You should totally ramble to me about ships you like :3 However many you like I’m just curious uwu

(I didn’t answer this as soon as I got it bc I was thinking about what to say lolz 😭)

tbh I like most ships as long as it’s not problematic or I find them weird/that they don’t have much chemistry. I also don’t mind poly or platonic ships (duh). I’d be sitting here all day yapping ab the ships I like/am okay w bc frankly it doesn’t have to strictly be character A X character B, I think it could also be character A X character C, etc. as long as it’s not any wrong. I won’t be going apeshit(/neg) over ships that I don’t like as much or have like a 2 year age gap. I mean, I think it starts to get weird when there’s 4 years of difference. I think people do too much when they hate on less popular ships smh if it’s nothing weird then let ppl have fun w their little kitty witties smh 😞

Huge yapping starts here vvv

Some ships I like tho r a lot of Ghibli movie couples in general bc they’re just super cute and I love the writing Ghibli does for its characters (I want what they have.). I also like Yukito/Yue X Touya and Syaoran X Sakura from CCS but that doesn’t mean I don’t also like Tomoko X Sakura (pretty sure Tomoko implied to like her anyway). I also like some other side ships from CCS but I barely remember their names bc it’s been so long since I’ve watched it and Netflix took it down 💔. CCS ships r cute in general I think, I’ve never seen any problematic ship (except that one girl X her fucking teacher. Pookie. You’re like 13. Don’t date ur teacher. And she was so pretty too bro why did they make her a questionable character 😭). And now. Getting to jjba my beloved. Since I unfortunately focus so so so much on p5 those are the only ships I’ll yap ab 😢. Huge honorable mention to Jonathan X Erina (jonaeri) tho they’re super cute together even if a lot of ppl said they barely have screen time and stuff :3. Anyway. Part 5. I honestly don’t care much about ships in la squadra as long as they had some form of interaction y’know (I don’t pay too much attention to La squadra anyway 💔). Usually ppl get really divided when it comes to Bucci gang ships tho. Honestly I’d rather see them all as a friend group that see each other as siblings to avoid all that shipping, but I admit I really like some pairings, like fugonara, bruabba, giotrish, futrish, naratrish, etc. I really don’t mind it that much (I don’t rlly ship mista w anyone bc I just don’t think there’s anybody matching his freak 😭). I mainly ship fugonara as you can see just bc to me it makes a lot of sense even if I also see them under platonic light. If there’s fugo, there’s narancia, and if there’s narancia, there’s fugo. I just find that rlly cute :3. I also like their backstories and how they tie together and the narancia death scene ripped my heart out in the anime so (IM CRYING AGAIN JUST FROM THINKING AB IT STOP 💔). Again that doesn’t mean I dislike the other ships, I just don’t pay much attention to them or think they had as much chemistry or time together. I love seeing my fave characters tho, so it’s not like I won’t like the content if there’s like gionara or something. Honestly I like seeing ppl have fun w their cutie patooties as long as it’s not too controversial, once again. It’s rlly a shame that ppl can jump at each others throat bc they disagree on a mere ship. It’s literally not gonna alter your life. Also, bc I say a ship some bucci gang characters doesn’t mean I don’t also ship them platonically. (I’ll type it like it’s ao3 tags lolz. Pretty sure & instead of / is for platonic, right?) I rlly like Narancia&Mista&Fugo (torture dance trio is literally the best friendship ever to me bc wdym you did a coordinated dance w ur homies to torture someone that’s so cool). There are also a few others, but they don’t come to mind rn (and there’s a f,y in my room annoying me.) You know what I think I gave jjba way too much attention. I also like Mimi X Sheshe (my fav lesbians fr 😍) from mermaid melody pichi pichi pitch. They tried censoring them by making them “sisters”, but they were blatantly and very obviously lesbians. Like vro. They are touching each other so homoerotically and have complimenting colours. And I think that’s most of it…

I don’t wanna make this any longer than it is so um. Yeah. This was a ramble. I didn’t realize it was so long lolz. But yeah it’s basically that :3

[rizzy-reads]

For context I have taken my cat to a vet multiple times for this and there is no health issue. I'm very slowly testing litter box options to see if there are any that stop her from doing this. And also she used to be a feral cat.

[randomalistic]

Wait you guys are actually buying Disney products I thought it was a joke

(READ TAGS FOR FULL CONTEXT Sorry it’s long dies

[sciderman]

How was the movie?

I LOVE SPIDER-MAN

I LOVE BEING A SPIDER-MAN FAN

I LOVE BEING REWARDED FOR BEING A SPIDER-MAN FAN

[rivenantiqnerd]

i hate when my parents tell me i dont need to put as much effort into homework assignments because “the stress isnt worth such a small amount of points”

and then because i dont put 100% effort into it i only get 89% and my parents go “a B??! Whats wrong, are you okay?”

bc im supposed to be soo smart

[serenity-the-firefly]

i’ve expended an enormous amount of physical and emotional energy over the last two days on very little sleep (spent 10 hours straight at work setting up a display + a meeting, got home at 9:30 and then stayed up until 5:30 working on a dress for a wedding, then got up at 10 and helped set up/attend/clean up said wedding until 9) and instead of feeling particularly tired my body’s decided to manifest all my exhaustion and stress as intense insecurity and the feeling that my mother doesn’t actually like me

[autisticfaun420]

More on HSN autism and poop I guess

My most popular post by far is my one about my struggle with fecal smearing not sure why. I guess I’ll give you guys a follow up cause I want to talk more about incontinence and how it has affected my life. Sorry new to tumblr and I don’t remember what tags to use so OCD people can filter so I hope this intro is enough of a trigger warning.

I’m gonna be blunt about it, what’s worse then smearing though is just being in public stuck in a shitty diaper really for a couple reasons. I can’t stop myself from having bowel accidents in public, and when I’m having them too I *look* like I’m having one, I can’t stop my legs from squatting like a little kid and there’s often an accompanying sound to go with it. I wish I could say this in a nicer way but I basically go from the tolerable quirky R word to the ew so disgusting R word real fast. People go from smiling at me at least to going to openly degrading me and making comments like I’m not in the room. People get bothered real fast, I can’t blame them it smells bad but it doesn’t change the fact on how I feel inside once I became old enough to realize this was going on. It’s hard for my parents and caregivers to find a place in public to change me and it’s often impossible. The restaurants I eat at, the places so visit, are all dependent on me having a single room bathroom because a proper adult changing station is a pipe dream.

God forbid I have a diaper blowout (where poop goes up the back and out the diaper), then whatever small amount empathy people have goes quickly out the window. I used to like taking the bus with my dad, I can’t do it anymore. I had one blowout on the bus and people acted like their life was in danger “ew ew ew oh my god the r word shit everywhere ew” from someone not even close to where I was sitting, people telling my dad how my mom should of handled her pregnancy, I learned what an abortion was that day. People become blunt when they are mildly inconvenienced with a bad smell and they think it gives them a right to dehumanize someone. I know it’s disgusting but maybe there’s something wrong with me but I don’t think the reaction warrants it. Not when I’ve been at people’s houses and the dog shits everywhere and people go aww he’s just a little guy to the dog. I wish I got that kind of reaction as an autistic child, infantilization is at least better then telling me I should have never been born.

I wanted to write more but sorry I’m crying now. I guess I’ll end it on a positive note. I mentioned in a previous post how one of my high school friends, who grew up with little brothers and cousins, had no problems changing me so we could hang out. I’m not saying that’s an accommodation I expect anyone at all to make for me who’s not a parent or a caregiver getting paid for it, but the fact that he never acted grossed out when cleaning me healed something in me. I would be so embarrassed shitting myself in front of my “cool” neurotypical friends, I would be tearing up and I opened up about it and how embarrassing it is and he basically told me fuck the haters and it’s not something I can control. I didn’t ask for it. A part of me believed I was doing on purpose and carried guilt and guilt leads to meltdowns and smearing incidents. “What do you mean all the cool kids poop their pants” he would say sometimes to make me laugh. During our hangout sessions I would whisper to him “cool pants” or text him that so he could discreetly take me to the bathroom. He’d do it wether he was drunk, stoned, or sober. And like I said in the other post, he was the only reason I was able to have the freedom to hang out without a caretaker or parent in high school and we could all smoke weed together without my parents knowing. I think they did know what I was doing and just let me have my teenage fun, I think my parents thought the weed chilled me out too, which is true, so they let me do it but my cannabis use is a topic for another day.

[spookykestrel]

The problem with not having your mom close anymore is that when things are going wrong in your life, everyone stops at just saying they're sorry and no one asks how they can help there's only so much a sad face text can do when the real cure is a hug or someone bringing you ice cream or just asking you to come over for a movie yk?

[halogalopaghost]

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[the-lark-ascending69]

Lumity is very cute but it seems like the kind of ship that would have a fandom so toxic it'd make you dislike the ship in time and I think that's sad.

[werepuppy-steve]

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[adore-gregor]

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