#but on tumblr at least it seems pads are more popular?

[antimnemonic]

thinking about the intentional marketing push to make tampons seem energetic and exciting while pads are dull and matronly

[declanlikesmusic]

Today's Listens: Episode 005

August 10th, 2023

So I'm writing this one the morning after and that makes it seem like I didn't have time to write because I was busy that day, but the truth was, I was on a day off and I wanted to marinate on my thoughts before putting pen to paper before, oops, my mood soured at the end of the night. Hopefully I'll get back on track in the coming days, or else I might end up having to skip days for this. Yay.

Just a content warning. At least one of the album covers here has depicted nudity, with a particular instance needing to be censored. I'm using a censored cover art sourced from Spotify, yet I don't even know if that's gonna be enough for this to fly under Tumblr's radar. Let's hope.

Infinity Frequencies – Between two worlds (2018)

I started yesterday off with an Infinity Frequencies album. This artist may very well be argued as being one of, if not the greatest broken transmission producer working today, but I was hesitant to go back to this one in particular. Namely because, on previous listens, the record felt a little too ambient and sparse to really captivate me. Luckily, since my last checking-out of this album, there was this phenomenon I call the Pad Chenningtonification (patent-pending) where a popular YouTuber shouts out a record that is not the artist's best work and it becomes commonly seen as their best work. Yay. Luckily I was fresh off of finding out that their 2015 album Into the light was way better than I initially thought it was, so I got to this one with an open mind and was treated to an experience that was only just barely consistently great. This is still not their best album in my view, but I'm glad that I can at least say I pretty much loved my experience here. Check this out, but also check out Computer Death and Into the light and I guarentee, you will find yourself a fan of InFreq at the end of the day.

7.5 / 10

Highlights: Under the city, Replica encounter, Between two worlds, Synthetic remains, Obsolete request, The time that remains Unraveling

Xepter Rose – Selenitic Landscapes (2014)

This one's a little random, but if you know death's dynamic shroud in any capacity, you'll be surprised to find that one of the members James Webster has made some ambient music on the side! Just as the trio were taking off, he made a pretty decent progressive electronic experience. I'm a little biased because I really loved his Virtual Utopia Experience visual thing, but two of the best tracks here show up on that movie as well and of course, they're great here. Aside from those two and Clock Tower Ruin, I cannot say that I am fully enamoured with this one. It's often sprawling and sparse in a way that doesn't flatter it all too much for me. That said, if you like modern synth ambient music, I'd give this one a shot. I already like it, but you might love it more than I do.

7.0 / 10

Highlights: Meteor Storm, Perpetual Twilight, Pottery & Stairs, Clock Tower Ruin

Magdalena Bay – mini mix vol. 3 (2023)

I wanted to cover more music from the current year, so I rolled upon this tiny mixtape from the rising pop duo Magdalena Bay. I wasn't expecting too much out of this one, just a one-off of decent tracks, but I found myself really in love with this one! It comes off as a mini mix, duh, of new material and they're all blended together very seamlessly while still coming across as their own songs! From the underrated intro to the simultaneously catchy and almost ascendent run of cuts by the end, they've knocked this one out of the park! It's not much (again, mini) but if you need a pop palette cleanser for just a quarter of an hour, this will undeniably satiate that for you!

8.2 / 10

Highlights: Slug Song, Top Dog, Tonguetwister

Torn Hawk – Through Force of Will (2014)

This one comes from an artist that always allured me from the mysterious realms of hypnagogic pop and specifically this tape and its glitchy cover art ripping an iconic still from a movie, I can't tell which. We have elements all over this record that primarily pull from outsider house and some of the tracks here are honestly great. They don't seem that captivating at first, but as they draw on, they start to become hypnotic. I really dug this one. I don't think every track works for me, this one again straddled the line between like and love for me, especially with the ambient cuts, but if you're already a fan of hypnagogic pop and want to dive in further, I'd totally suggest this one!

7.5 / 10

Highlights:

HELLCOM – ACID MP3s (2016)

Here's where things start to turn sour for me. I adore HELLCOM, I really do. His two concept albums under this alias, spanning mere months between eachother, are among the most creative, captivating and awe-inspiring vaporwave albums in the Business Casual catalogue! I'd recommend them to anybody, even non-fans of the genre who've already dipped their toes in. However, as a big fan of the format of DJ mixes, rating the two that he's put out before moving on to HDMIRROR are difficult. Timestamping this one specifically was particularly hellish; there are tracks listed that I'm convinced don't show up here, so that made rating this nearly impossible. I pushed through it though, but not without a little bit of a headache. His plunderphonic electropop and EDM sensibilities shine through here, but in the most surreal, glitch-centric ways possible that I struggle to fully recommend unless you huge fans of those sounds. Try it at your own risk; I liked it, but the more I thought about it, the less sense it just made for me.

7.2 / 10

Highlights: She Doesn't Mind, Hunter / N-Trance Forever, TIll I Come (Remix), Everytime

Xiu Xiu – A Promise (2003)

I've always been torn on Xiu Xiu. They have albums that I fully love and I'll get to those when I do, but the reason why I haven't covered them yet was because I was very hesitant to find the right time and mood for their sophomore effort that I remembered really liking but also not knowing why. I bit the bullet and just decided to finally go for this and I really don't think this was ever meant for me. I think I was lying to myself then. Don't get it twisted, it's obviously good, but it is surreal and incredibly depressive. It's often sparse in ways that, again, don't work for me, but it can also be very noisy in ways that just don't capture me. The whole thing is completely unhinged and that's no thanks to the themes of suicide throughout that just really disconnect me from the experience. I at least appreciated the Fast Car cover and how the record was trying to start out, but as it went on, I almost stopped respecting it entirely. This is purely for fans of experimental and post-industrial music that enjoy records that are this sad and intense to listen to.

6.4 / 10

Highlights: Sad Pony Guerrilla Girl, 20,000 Deaths for Eidelyn Gonzales, 20,000 Deaths for Jamie Peterson, Fast Car

Deftones – Around the Fur (1997)

By this point, I felt like I was ready for pretty much anything after that, so I thought: fuck it, why not tackle some metal? Nu metal specifically. We have Deftones' sophomore album here, I've already enjoyed other work of theirs, especially Ohms, so what could go wrong here? Well, it definitely sounds good. The recording quality is about as good as what you'd expect from any popular subgenre of modern metal. The performances are tight as well, they honestly put a lot of thought into the energy of the record. So what gives, how come I don't love it? Well, you see, they have to be songs. This is why metal struggles a lot for me, it hardly finds any hooks or riffs that function as hooks or riffs. One of the only moments that were at all memorable to me was the first ten seconds of it and I only know it because I know it was used as a sample; I don't love this riff! The only other thing I remember was the closing track and it's pretty cool use of back-and-forth backing vocals. I found that to be cool! Otherwise, this just functioned as a metal album to me and I can sadly say not much more. If you like metal, go for it, but that's not for me.

6.4 / 10

Highlights: My Own Summer (Shove It), Mascara, Around the Fur, MX

3RA1N1AC – H1551NG PRI95 1N 5TAT1C COUTUR3 (1996)

So, how could my evening get any worse? Well, you see, I was approaching my 1,337th rating at this time, my leet rating as I was anticipating. I was given Hissing Prigs in Static Couture by a few friends and it looked like a perfect match for it! However, I am, as the doctors would say, an R slur and briefly missed that milestone when I heard Around the Fur. I didn't want to let that slide, so I cheated by swapping these two albums' placements, but I'm still gonna talk about this after Around the Fur because this was just not a good end to my night. I expected a pretty loud, semi-raucous, energetic and wild listen of a rock & punk and I'm glad to say that I've got it! But in a way that was not very good to me. At first, I thought this record was gonna be okay; not for me, but an enjoyable & worthwhile listen nonetheless, but um. It didn't even last long as that for me either. This listening experience was constantly diminishing returns and I'm too tired even now to fully express why, other than the noises, the instruments, the melodies and especially the vocals got more and more grating with each and every track. I thought by the start, I was merely losing interest and getting tired, but at a certain point, this album just lost it. By the end, this came off as completely obnoxious and irritably annoying. I know I disappointed my friends with that, but that's just how it felt to me. I'm sorry, but the way this closed my night was a complete letdown and while you're likely to enjoy it more than I do, I'd personally steer clear of it unless it interests you.

4.1 / 10

Highlights: 1ND1AN POK3R (PART 3), PU55YFOOT1N'

So yeah, I'm sorry to rant, but that sucked. I couldn't muster up writing any of that until the following morning because I was just having a hard time comprehending how sour I felt by the end of this. I want to make it clear, this is not to the fault of any of the musicians and it's definitely not the fault of the people that recommended them either. This was all just me and not having good ears. Overtime, I've started to realise that my wishlist was looking less and less appealing as I've knocked more ratings out. I don't think I'm gonna purge it, but I might just try to clean it up at some point and realise where I've gotta draw the line for some of these artists, because over 750 of them unfathomable at this point. I'll see ya next time.

[true-blue-sonic]

I’m ill in bed rn but the way I BOLTED to grab my laptop for this :>

What I think the biggest “problem” might be is the fact Sonic is inherently a high-speed franchise. Gameplay that is well-received, like Shadow in SxSG and (imo at least) the Avatar in Forces have something in common: they all go fast still, and have something on top (Chaos Spear and Chaos Control, the Wispons) that combines well with the high-speed gameplay the franchise is known for. But for a game focused on psychokinesis, I struggle to envision how that would work, to be honest. E.g. in SxSG Chaos Spear aims automatically and you just need to ram the X button; there is no disruption in the high-speed-ness of it. But for Silver you’d either have to aim the items he’s holding, which would be really difficult while going at high speeds or maybe also too similar to Shadow’s recent gameplay if they home in on enemies automatically… or you wouldn’t be going at high speeds. Here I’m specifically thinking in a 3D environment; in the second video you linked, throwing the boxes at enemies seems to go relatively smoothly, but Silver does need to stop running most times. I’m mentally comparing it to the Homing Attack, which technically also slows Sonic down, but not to a full stop. Plus, Homing Attacks are usually used in a way that you either can immediately boost again, hit a dash pad, or grab a pulley/reel to keep going. So should Silver have something similar, or something else entirely?

And in that vein, I do think the franchise is long overdue for more games, and spin-offs that don’t necessarily play like a Boost game to begin with! TMOSTH for example is generally regarded as an adorably cute and well-written slice-of-life visual novel, and it’s iirc the highest-rated and/or most-downloaded Sonic game on Steam. Of course, it helps that it’s free, but people wouldn’t play it if they weren’t at least interested in a slice-of-life visual novel with the Sonic cast, I would say. I would really like it if they tried out something new within a whole different genre of gameplay again! Maybe something like Battle, or (dare I say it haha) Chronicles… Because I think in an RPG, Silver could star wondrously. You can use his powers to move the environment around to progress and he can use them to attack in battle! Plus, it would solve the issue with the Boost gameplay, because in a semi-open RPG world, going too fast actively hinders the exploration you’re supposed to be doing. In that regard, I think Silver’s powers could lend themselves much better to a game that’s not a 2D/2.5D/3D platformer, but something entirely different in the action game genre.

So in general my conclusion is that I find it difficult to combine Silver’s PK with the Boost/high-speed gameplay formula, but that I can envision him work really well in different game genres the franchise doesn’t use much. But, to be honest, I agree most with your very first sentiment. Should Silver get his own game? I think you’re right in that people on Tumblr seem to feel much more warmly towards him than 18 years ago, certainly. But I can’t judge if that’s only on Tumblr or also other websites, because Tumblr is the only social media I use. And indeed, I can imagine it might cause a massive rift in the fandom, if a character like Silver gets a solo game over Tails, Amy, Knuckles, perhaps even Shadow still… Though I would love it if Silver got the spotlight again, I can also understand why fans of the more popular/longer-existing characters would feel incredibly snubbed. So it's overall a difficult matter indeed, but it seems that members of SoJ still feel quite fondly towards Silver, so who knows what the future holds?

Should Silver T. Hedgehog have his own (good) game?

lmao

Well, I don't know if he "should". While Silver is certainly more beloved now than he was in the late 2000s, he's still something of a tertiary character. Imagine him getting a game before Amy. I would run far away from the fallout :P

However, Silver's playstyle in '06 is perfect for a spinoff, perhaps even better than putting it in a main Sonic game. You could have all sorts of neat puzzle and platforming sections with his telekinesis, while still keeping part of the flow of a Sonic game (I'm okay with Silver being slower, just... not that slow lol). It would be cute if the game had something of a time travelling system à la Sonic CD too!

I remember playing a 2D fangame with Silver that was very fun! You used the mouse to move objects. I think it's this one:

But this is more in line with what I was thinking about regarding the flow:

@true-blue-sonic as the residential Silver fan, do you have any ideas? :3

[alexaloraetheris]

I posted 695 times in 2021

22 posts created (3%)

673 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 30.6 posts.

I added 67 tags in 2021

#dnd - 15 posts

#d&d - 15 posts

#dungeons and dragons - 15 posts

#people who craft better than i can see - 13 posts

#prince philip - 3 posts

#alexa writes - 2 posts

#i'm 10 bananas tall - 1 posts

#lost the damn text again - 1 posts

#dammit tumblr - 1 posts

#i have some very specific headcanins you can't pry from my cold dead hands - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 74 characters

#i have some very specific headcanins you can't pry from my cold dead hands

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Shout out to whoever invented chopsticks. Like our only option was to scoopy scoop runny food or stabby stab meaty food and then this one guy/gal goes 'what if we make sticks that grabby food?' and invented chopsticks. An abolute legend and I love them if the people of tumblr know their name pliz share

132 notes • Posted 2021-11-27 19:15:23 GMT

#4

Oh god the deity post has become popular again I am being punished for my hubris and will have to beg her forgiveness once more

158 notes • Posted 2021-01-05 22:43:23 GMT

#3

I have found purgatory

And it looks like a closing 1-euro store with ridiculous discounts

205 notes • Posted 2021-03-02 16:40:55 GMT

#2

I would pay fucking gold to see the conversation that happened when Diana convinced St. Peter to let her go down to hell for five minutes just so she could shove a cricket bat up Philip's arse.

517 notes • Posted 2021-04-09 20:15:00 GMT

#1

When does your pet fully trust you?

A stray thought that occured to me today, about pets and trust.

After over 20 years of having pets of all kinds, that came to our house in various stages of trauma and varying levels of experience with humans, there is way always one foolproof way to tell if an animal actually trusts you.

Removing eye crusts.

(I've only had mammals, so I can't speak for birds, repriles and other various and sundry animals, but this rule has held true for numerous cats, dogs, rats, hamsters, two rabbits and a cow.)

Just imagine it. You are likely tiny. Maybe you are big, but most likely small. Maybe you hunt, or maybe you run. Maybe you have paws with claws, or legs with hooves, or almost hands. And you get eye crusts.

Because eye crusts are inevitable when you have eyeballs that need to stay moist and lubricated. And while it's not usually painful or debilitating, it is uncomfortable, and you may not be able to get rid of it yourself.

Enter giant hairless apes with opposable thumbs.

But these apes could be dangerous. Eyes are extremely important but very sensitive, easily vulnerable. Mere carelessness is enough to lose one. Eye crusts are a bother, but removing them isn't worth risking losing such an important organ. If they go near your eyeball with their fingers, they will lose them swiftly, or at least learn better than to try again!

But when that hairless ape, far too big or barely bigger than you, has proven themself worthy of your trust... Then the risk seems acceptable.

So you have a crusty eye. Your paw isn't enough to get it out. It's a bother, but you manage.

Enter a giant hairless ape with opposable thumbs.

This giant hairless ape has been good to you, has provided you food, shelter, warmth and companionship. They have seen and touched your belly, your neck, your ears, and even your young. Not once have you come to harm. They see your eye is bothering you, so they lick one of their strange fingers and bring it to your eye.

You do not stop them, even though you could. The pad of their thumb is soft, but tipped with a claw. But they are careful, and the thin claw maybe skims your brow, but it does not harm your eye. Maybe you squirm, because it's not exactly comfortable, but you do not struggle or stop them, you do not run away.

Because you trust them. Trust that they will not hurt, only help. That they will be careful with you.

You blink, and your eye is clear. The crust is gone, and that strange hand with the opposable thumb is petting your head, your ears, your back.

Good human.

30639 notes • Posted 2021-06-06 23:16:28 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 8 “Divide”

Hello, everyone, and welcome back! It feels good to be doing some normal RWBY-ing in this strange world of ours. First, some supplementary materials.

Number One: In response to any (valid) questions along the lines of, “Hey Clyde, it’s now been a full year since Volume 7 was airing and you still haven’t answered my ask about it. Or the ones about Volume 6… what’s up with that?” I’ve created what I hope is an informative video detailing the problem:

(I assure you, the Earth, Wind & Fire was a happy accident during the screen recording.)

Needless to say, there’s a lot and I’ve known for some time now that I will LITERALLY never get through all my asks. Which doesn’t mean I don’t want you to send future thoughts in! Just know that as we head into Volume 8 territory I’ll most likely prioritize those, as well as any Volume 7 asks that aren’t woefully out of date. But I do want everyone to know that I read all the asks I receive, appreciate them immensely, and think too much about hypothetical answers, even if I don’t have time to actually write them out 💜

Number Two: There’s a bingo board this year!

Jury’s out on whether I’ll remember to update it, but at the very least this serves as a decent glimpse into my — and others’ — expectations going into this volume.

Number Three: I’ve collected a list of things I’ve heard about Volume 8 from what seem to be reputable sources. I did this because RT is developing a tendency to talk up certain points and then fail to deliver, either because something was taken out of a volume/moved to another, or because RT apparently has radically different ideas about what including something means. So this might be handy to keep on file and ask ourselves two months from now, “Did RT actually deliver on what they promised?”

Emphasis on Ruby’s leadership and how Summer’s death has impacted her

Insight into Ren and Nora’s flaws

May Merigold will supposedly have a larger part

More information about The Long Memory (Ozpin’s cane)

Theme of the volume is that you can respect someone but that doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them

Very short timeline (supposedly just two days)

Yang in particular is very suspicious and distrustful

I was also going to include a list of all the threads that need to be continued/wrapped up, but honestly that would have taken too large a chunk off my life. Let’s just throw out the highlights:

Are we really going to have Qrow gunning for Ironwood?

Clover is dead regardless. Press ‘F’ to pay respects

Oscar bb you got shot please acknowledge this

Ozpin bb you got done dirty please acknowledge this

Penny is a Maiden now. I feel like the fandom has been sleeping on this (myself included)

Queer baiting, queer baiting… you’re on thin ice at this point, RWBY. Just skate on over to the queer snack bar before you fall straight into the lake.  

Ren spill your deep dark secret already and it had better be something more than just ‘Oh no Nora might someday die :( ’

Salem is here so how the actual fuck is the cast surviving this?

Will Ironwood likewise survive his descent into antagonism? Yes or please yes no?

I think that’s all the biggies. I strive to keep lists like this in mind while analyzing, but honestly RWBY has a hundred moving parts that are abandoned or changed or simply retconned at the drop of a hat. So an attempt will be made.

Number Four (last one I promise!): Normal disclaimers and reminders for Recaps apply:

Please don’t fill up the already full inbox with flames. It’s still 2020. No one has time for that nonsense.

There will absolutely be typos and wonky parts because I try to get these out the same day an episode premieres. I have now been working on this for ten hours, nearly straight, and have no more energy for edits. Apologies in advance and RIP to my Saturdays.

I reserve the right to use stupid GIFs and memes at my discretion.

I strive to keep my focus on recapping/analyzing but salt tends to worm its way in… If you’re a die-hard RWBY fan with little patience for criticism, let alone (at times) snarky criticism, please proceed with caution.

No wait I lied, this is the last thing:

Okay, got that out of my system LET’S DO THIS!

We start not with the episode itself but rather Rooster Teeth’s (RT’s) strange non-promotion of it. If you follow my blog you may have caught the post where I pointed out that there was nothing on RT’s website to suggest that one of their most popular shows—if not the most popular show—was premiering today. Nothing on the main page. Nothing on the RWBY page either, not unless you count the Volume 8 poster background (easily mistaken for the Volume 7 poster) and the trailer buried all the way down past Episodes, past Merch, in the Bonus Features section along with videos like Live From Remnant and the volume intros. RT… the promotion of your feature show is not a bonus. This should be front and center! Honest to god, five minutes before the episode dropped I was checking the website for a Volume 8 section, a countdown, anything that would tell me the episode was imminent without relying on fans on tumblr to keep me in the loop. We got nada, zilch. I’m not sure whether that speaks more to RT’s iffy management of the series or simply the website’s horrible design—RIP losing RWBY on Youtube—but I was surprised when I saw the episode a few minutes after 11:00am. At that point I honestly expected to hear about a dely.

So that’s the mood I entered the premiere in, but truly? We start off strong. Things take a pretty severe nosedive later on, we’ll get to that, but I was impressed with our beginning and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that we start with our villains.

We open on a Cinderella character, Cinder, and thus I’m immediately pleased that we’re getting something about her backstory after all this time. Seven years! She appeared in episode one, folks! To say we’re overdue is an understatement. There isn’t a whole lot to go on, just a younger Cinder sadly scrubbing the floor, poised under a spotlight. What we learn, or potentially learn, is based far more in cultural knowledge than this scene. We know Cinderella’s story, which includes the abusive family, the longing for more, the eventual escape, and thus we’re able to read all of that in this image, despite the image itself not telling us any of this overtly. That means we could be wrong in our interpretation, but if we’re not it’s an easy shorthand in an already packed story.

What I’m really impressed with is the sound bridge between the scrubbing and her nails on the back of Neo’s chair. Fantastic way to confirm that this is Cinder as well as showcasing just how far she’s come. The sound of her labor has been replaced with the sound of her power and given that Cinder’s power is stolen, tied to a grimm arm, the property of a genocidal maniac… that’s messed up. It’s a Cinderella story gone wrong.

So yeah, Cinder tells Neo to head straight into the creepy, grimm infested blood cloud to see Salem and Neo is like, ‘Uh… no thank you?’ lol.

RT does a good job this episode with her expressions, ensuring we know exactly what she’s thinking despite an unwillingness/inability to speak.

Poor Neo might be in too deep, but I quite like the overall atmosphere of this opening. Say what we will about Salem’s awful characterization, at least she has style. This woman knows how to make an entrance and, piggybacking off of the Apathy, RT knows how to infuse horror elements into their fantasy. The red and purple coloring of the clouds, spiked whale teeth peeking through, bright orange in the background looking like explosions… that’s all 👌 Including the intro card.

The only thing I want to gripe about is this:

I’m sorry, why does the whale grimm have landing pads? Or something like it?? The whale otherwise works because it’s poised between the natural and the fantasy synthetic. It looks like a real grimm whale on the outside, but is sporting a throne room, a control panel, and other unnatural elements on the inside. It’s a visual indicator of Salem’s ability to control and change grimm. Now though, the additions are wrong, infringing on the line between organic and tech, the line between what helps the grimm individually (giving monkeys wings) and what just helps Salem. Every other aspect of the whale straddles that line wonderfully, adding to the creep factor, like a grimm version of the Uncanny Valley: it’s not quite a whale anymore… but landing pads? That looks ridiculous. Why does Salem even have that? How many ships are her people feasibly using? Why are there five?

Take it away, please.

Cinder waltzes in like this is a normal home visit, but Neo has an appropriate ‘What the actual fuck?’ face going on.

They approach Salem on her throne where Cinder immediately kneels, greeting her with, “My queen.” I mentioned during my trailer breakdown that I think Cinder is lying her ass off here, and I still think that based on a line we’ll get in a minute, but now at least we have a sense of how she can pull this off. A woman who started out as a (presumed) servant is going to know how to mimic subservience, even if her heart isn’t in it. Salem is very good at playing the girl who will still kneel and scrub the floor for you. She will scrub the floor, she’ll do everything you want, she’ll just be plotting her own rise to power while she does it.

There’s quite a bit of interesting cinematography in this episode, not all of it good, and I think one of the mistakes is here when we get a closeup on Salem’s mouth as she greets Cinder. A closeup like that should be reserved for more significant dialogue—“Rosebud”—and yet we get this shot again when Cinder tells Emerald to be quiet. It’s awkward and coupled with the numerous eye closeups we got in the trailer, I think RT is playing a little fast and loose with the camera. Each shot should add something to the scene, not distract from it. If you don’t have a reason for including a technique like that then leave it be.

Back to the actual dialogue though. We knew that Salem knew Cinder was alive and now it seems that she just expected her to come back? I’m slightly lost. It feels like we’re missing something here. Cinder goes off to secure the lamp, fails, nearly dies, wanders on her own for months, and then randomly shows back up on Salem’s whale doorstep, yet Salem isn’t angry at all? Did she have faith that Cinder would return when she has something to offer? Did she just not care about Cinder, considering her return an unnecessary but otherwise welcome surprise? That would make the least sense given that she holds the key to accessing Beacon’s relic… but that circles right back around to why Salem is seemingly indifferent to Cinder’s comings and goings. Surely she can’t actually believe that Cinder is loyal?

“So I trust you wouldn’t return to me empty handed,” she says. Yeah, trust means nothing in this show, Salem, didn’t you watch Volumes 6 and 7? Again, I simply don’t know. I suppose I’ll just chalk it up to confidence, that if Cinder did bail Salem knew she could track her down again. Deciphering her motivations and beliefs is a lost cause when the show continually gives us so little.

The important thing now is that Cinder does indeed have an offering and you can see that Salem is somewhat surprised at being handed the relic.

Cinder, of course, takes credit for the victory and we’re given another wonderful shot of Neo. ‘YOU took it?’

Oh, Neo. Best get out while you still can.

Tyrian appears having obviously made his way to Salem’s ship sometime between her arrival and now. The exchange is pretty standard for this group. He insults Cinder for failing and needing this victory to make amends, talks about how any win against Ironwood says more about his lack of intelligence than her skill, and Cinder… doesn’t have a whole lot of comebacks, actually. I’d say Tyrian won that verbal spar, enhanced by a better use of the camera when we get his tail looming menacingly towards Cinder and Neo.

He goes on to say that Watts was a “necessary sacrifice” so, uh… I’m just going to toss out the ask I answered yesterday. Based on our intro I’d say Watts is still significant to the volume—hacking Penny is my guess—but by the end? He could be in trouble.

(As a side note: I plan to analyze the intro next week. It’s just easier when it comes first.)

Tyrian also calls Neo “little one” which I just found absolutely hilarious. In an on brand creepy manner, that is. Not that Neo couldn’t kick his ass, but there’s something wonderfully chilling about having the serial killer use an endearment towards a potential victim, one that comments on her size while he’s looming.

In contrast, Cinder refers to Neo as a “valuable asset” and we get our third mood of the episode.

Who’s going to start a Neo reaction image collection?

It’s true enough on the surface—who wouldn’t want an ally who can turn into anyone else?—but we’re still bumping up against question of why Salem needs this. She’s immortal! She has an endless army! Magic! This scene works well with a villain who needs a skillset like Neo’s to succeed, but Salem doesn’t. RT is doing a great job writing a story thus far, just not the story we’ve previously been given. This isn’t the story they set up.

This will come back up when we reach the RWBYJNOR group. Just wait.

Before that though, the gang’s all here as Emerald, Mercury, and Hazel show up, all in new outfits.

I think I like everything except for the weird Xs on Emerald’s jacket—it’s way too distracting and frankly makes an otherwise good look ugly—and the fact that she’s showing her midriff in Atlas. Hazel doesn’t have any sleeves! Oh my god, why doesn’t anyone dress for the weather in this show?

Frankly, I found their reunion to be kind of lackluster. I mean, there was nothing wrong with it. Emerald does sound briefly excited, she does run, and it’s in character for Cinder to cut her off… it just didn’t resonate with me emotionally. I thought after two volumes of thinking she’s dead, then working through the knowledge that she’s alive, that I would feel Emerald’s shock and relief more, but I didn’t. And I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t want to level any accusations at the voice acting because frankly I know next to nothing about that skill (and from what I’ve seen it’s usually praised in the fandom), but I will say that throughout the premiere I was noticing it more than I ever have before. The lack of emotion here and some awkward deliveries later, like when Yang goes, “Ruby, there is no way Ironwood will cooperate with us” and I immediately thought, “Wow, that came out stilted.” These observations stick with me because, as said, voice acting usually isn’t on my radar. It’s not something I’ve studied or had practice analyzing. If you’d never told me that Ren or Qrow’s VA changed then after a year hiatus I literally wouldn’t notice… but there’s something about this episode that didn’t sit right. Anyone else get that sense, or was it just me?

Regardless, the arrival of our other three villains really doesn’t amount to much, though I’m happy for all the Emerald and Mercury fans who get to see them in new outfits. The focus is still on Cinder as she delivers a line indicative of her true motivations: “That power will be mine.” Yeah, she’s not loyal to Salem, she’s just power hungry. Of course, Salem immediately takes note of this and raises her hand, in another nice use of the foreground, reminding her that she hasn’t given that order.

Cinder is shocked, angry even, but quickly covers it up with her “Without you I am nothing” line. If I caught it right I think she also calls Salem “Ma’am”? Hilarious. Again, skilled at playing the servant.

Also, before I forget, it’s worth noting that almost everything from our trailer appeared in this episode. Yeah, there are a few details like Nora attacking some tech and the group on their bikes, but on the whole we’ve already seen the majority of our promo material and will likely get most of the rest next week. It makes me both interested and nervous for what another twelve episodes are going to hold.

Salem opens her whale, or opens a portal type view in it, something that gives us a long-distance look at Atlas. I don’t know what exactly is going on here, but it’s pretty so I’ll take it.

She also delivers the frankly badass line, “Just because you’re more valuable to me than a pawn does not make you a player.”

She waves them all away with perfect ‘You mean nothing to me’ attitude and we sadly leave our villains.

Sad not because I don’t love my farm boy, but because things are about to get a whole lot messier.

Oscar has made his way to a camp of civilian survivors… all of whom are just hanging out in the supposedly deadly cold. Yeah, there’s a single fire, but at least four of them aren’t anywhere near it. Three of them also aren’t wearing gloves. What was that survival rate again?

A nice if gruff dude gives Oscar soup—water?—while showing off his… badger claws? I don’t know what kind of faunus he’s supposed to be, but he feels like the sort of two second, minor character who could easily become a meme lol.

Oscar thanks him (my polite son!) and hands the bowl back after a single sip. Which is impressive because I would have assumed the guy was giving me the whole bowl and just taken it. Hell, I’ve done that even when I didn’t assume it’s all for me. A Starbucks barista once approached me with a tray and a plate of samples, I knew I was supposed to take just one, yet for some reason my hand went to take the whole goddamn plate. He had to tell me off, then I was trying to explain that I didn’t actually want or think I should have eight shots of cappuccino all to myself, I don’t even like coffee, he clearly didn’t believe me… it was awkward. So good job, Oscar. You’re less awkward than me (though that’s not saying much).

Now a question, Oscar. Darling. Brilliant boy who has been through too much: why the fuck aren’t you talking to Ozpin? This will be A Thing later when he presents a lack of time to talk as justification for keeping more secrets (we’ll get to that too…) yet here is time! You’re just sitting there for who knows how long, with plenty of privacy to hide a supposedly one-sided conversation so the Mantle citizens don’t get weirded out or suspicious. Talk to Ozpin. Our headmaster gets two lines in this episode, utterly inconsequential lines like his airship scene, lines that feel like they exist to say, “See? He’s still included in the story!” even though he absolutely is not. Two volumes of mostly silence, a perfect setup to start the reconciliation process, but we’re going to put it off again?

Instead Ruby randomly and conveniently appears. I want to know how she found him. Oscar isn’t wearing a tracker. He clearly didn’t call them because he’s surprised when Ruby shows up. He fell alllllllll the way back down to Mantle and then wandered to a random part of the slums. You’re telling me they flew over the entire city—after beginning this search thinking he was in Atlas—and somehow managed to spot him from up in the air? C’mon. I would have rather had a beginning where Oscar makes his way back to the group himself, giving him and Ozpin time to hash things out.

“Need a lift?” Ruby says, eliminating that potential. Sigh.

Oscar immediately starts beating himself up when he gets onboard, saying that he “was stupid to think the General would listen.” Nah, you were stupid to buy into Ruby’s nonsensical confidence and for telling Ironwood he’s as bad as Salem. Sorry, Oscar, but everyone is written badly these days. I will, however, say that I am THRILLED at the group’s reaction to his return. Ruby says that she’s “just glad you’re alright.” Nora has a wonderfully tender moment where she hugs him gently rather than her usual glomp.

That? That added a year to my life. Everyone else seems relieved that he’s okay too, so kudos there. After four years of Oscar being an outsider in the group, this is one of the few moments that feel like he’s 100% accepted. Really glad to see it.

Now let’s see if it sticks after they learn Ozpin is back...

They fly to the Happy Huntresses’ base and I again feel like I’ve missed something crucial. When did they team up? I mean, RWBYJNOR was working directly under Ironwood up until the last hour and Robyn ran off to fight Tyrian/Clover in the last couple episodes. When did she have time to explain her (briefly) changed allegiance and why would the Happy Huntresses trust the group without that? Did Robyn share that Blake and Yang went behind Ironwood’s back for her? Do the Huntresses instinctively trust them because they’re now wanted by the military? How did they even run into each other?

Again, I think we would have been better served to have an episode before all this. Let Oscar make his way back and let the group struggle with the magnitude of their situation on the airship, before they find new allies. Transferring directly to, “They have help and a secret base and a plan in the works!” makes me feel like I missed the real premiere last week. You know, the one where Salem unexpectedly arrived and we left the group like this.

This is where we’ve ended up though. The group is cozy in this hideout, getting info from Joanna, and my only other thought is, “Why is she giving all this exposition?”  

Shouldn’t it be May? I mean, we were told that she was going to play more of a role this volume, a promise that’s pretty important imo given her status as a (so far off screen) trans character, so why not put her in the role of mediator between the Happy Huntresses and RWBYJNR? Giving her that setup as a leader among her people as well as lots of lines would be meaningful. A trans character just existing and being a part of this fight! May could obviously still fill that role—I’m well aware that we’re only one episode in—but it just seems like a missed opportunity to me. Out of all the undeveloped Happy Huntresses, our premiere focuses on the one who has the least importance to the fandom.

As said, Joanna talks a fair bit but what it basically boils down to is trying to get everyone to the crater below Atlas. It’s apparently not safe, but it’s warm, which is what matters right now.

So… let me get this straight. You want to gather everyone into a not safe crater, by leading them through an army of grimm, so that they can wait there in case someone moves the Staff, thus dropping an entire city on top of their heads? That’s the plan? Which admittedly isn’t Joanna’s fault. This is another instance of RWBYJNOR having information that a leader does not and they should really consider speaking up about it. But of course they don’t.

Also, how long does everyone have in regards to the cold? Shouldn’t there be dead civilians by now? The time it would take to find the Happy Huntresses, team up with them, get settled in the base, and find Oscar says that things should be pretty grim right now (pardon the pun), yet every non-aura user in this city seems content to just hang out in the snow. Either the cold is deadly enough to justify moving everyone to the crater, or it’s mild enough to let everyone survive this long, not both.

After hugs are given everyone obviously wants to know what happened to Oscar. His response?

“It’s a… long story. I get the feeling there’s been a few of those tonight.”

That’s a check for the bingo card! We’re halfway through the first episode and we’ve already got another secret. Yes, this is a secret. Oscar actively chooses not to tell anyone that Ozpin is back—something Ozpin himself comments on—and then skillfully draws attention away from himself with “I get the feeling there’s been a few of those tonight.” Indeed, all eyes go to Penny. Oscar’s plight is forgotten, which is what he wanted. His justification?

Ozpin: “You’re not going to tell them?”

Oscar: “You and I aren’t done talking yet.”

Along with this look.

Oscar no. There’s so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s create a list.

As said, you had plenty of time to talk to Ozpin and chose not to. Miss me with this excuse.

You are now doing to your friends exactly what you and your friends did to Ironwood, which in turn is what Ozpin did to you! I can’t believe we’ve got Oscar critically side-eyeing him when they are still—still—repeating the behavior they drove Ozpin away for.

What is there to even talk about now? Oscar didn’t punch himself/Ozpin (lol) but he did steal Jinn’s name from Ozpin in the first place. You got what you wanted, drove him away, and have been lying and keeping secrets ever since. The only thing they should be talking about involves apologizing. Any further criticism—which is what Oscar’s expression and curt reply suggests—is beyond hypocritical.

Seriously, what needs to be discussed? There’s no reason not to tell the group unless Oscar wants to talk about whether they should tell them. There’s no good ending here...

Don’t you think it would be nice to know that Ozpin is back and you’ve got super magic powers while making plans to save the entire world?

This is all especially stupid given Oscar’s “Salem wants to divide us” reminder to Ruby in a moment. Oscar, you are doing the most to divide the group right now. By not forgiving Ozpin. By refusing to work with him. By keeping him secret from everyone else.

This is bad, friends, I worry for what the rest of the volume will bring…

The story is done with Ozpin for now so I guess I will be too. The group continues filling Oscar in and we get some shots of the base, including a rather prominent poster of what I assume are two Happy Huntresses. Did they die in battle perhaps?

It’s a little strange.

Oscar: “Where’s Qrow?”

Me: “Likely still making bad decisions.”

No one knows so they just drop it. Which I kind of get, only so much you can do to find him if he’s not out on the streets like Oscar, but it still reads as kind of iffy that two nieces look down at the ground for a hot second and then move on with their plans, content to leave Qrow to whatever fate befell him. In a minute we’ll see Yang firmly take Ren’s side regarding helping the people they can in Mantle, which frankly comes out of nowhere for her. I think an easy motivation would have been Qrow. Ruby wants to save the world, Yang wants to find and save their uncle, and that just happens to align with Ren’s desire to save the civilians who need immediate grimm and cold help. Don’t get me wrong, I like that there’s finally some division between the sisters, I just wish it hadn’t come about so abruptly. Ren had setup for standing up to Ruby. Yang did not.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Joanna lists the grimm horde and no heat as the major threats to everyone. The group agrees.

Me: What about Salem?

Joanna says that this is all doubly dangerous because there’s “no more military protection.”

Me: Oh, so now you want the military?

This is all so disjointed. Even more-so when Joanna mentions that Ironwood has stopped all evacuations to Atlas, likely due to the “hard light shields” that are the only thing standing between Salem and the city. Thing is, the show never makes this connection, I just did it myself based on this scene and the one that comes later. The show presents Joanna’s line as a pure condemnation. Ironwood won’t let more evacuees in because… he’s just evil, I guess. Yet there is a justification here, namely that continuing the evacuations even while he’s stuck without Penny leaves him wide open to a Salem attack, the death of everyone currently safe, but that argument is never presented to the viewer. I don’t need people to agree with Ironwood’s perspective, I just wish that perspective was offered as an option. The show is very good about acting like RWBYJNOR’s opinion is the only justified opinion, or simply the only opinion at all.

After everything is laid out Weiss goes, “We’re never going to sleep again, I just know it.”

I could make a crack about the lack of continuity and how the group should be collapsing right now… but that was a funny line. It can stay.

What is far more of a problem is the fact that no one is talking about Salem. Okay, that’s a lie. They do talk about her, but in a roundabout way like her presence isn’t impacting every decision they make. That’s the real issue. They’re acting as if Salem isn’t here right now, like she’s off far away, maybe approaching slowly, and they’re arguing over how best to prep the world for her eventual attack. There’s no emotion here—let alone action—to reflect that the series’ Big Bad has arrived and is poised to murder them all. Literally what is this? Ruby is yelling about warning the world and, ignoring the continued question of why that’s a good thing when the world can do nothing to stop Salem and knowledge of her continually drives people to horrible acts, she has yet to acknowledge that… she’s the world? Ruby is the world in this conflict. She, Mantle, and Atlas. Salem is here for you all. Right now. You are, this instant, in the situation you want to warn others about, so why don’t you try to do something about it? Or at least acknowledge it. Ruby wants to warn the neighborhood about a potential fire while her house is actively ablaze, and the fire could have totally killed her by now but decided not to for… reasons.

“Ruby’s right,” Nora says. They have to tell the world so “they can prepare.” How? How are they supposed to prepare for this? The story cannot continue ignoring Salem’s immortality.

“Ruby’s right,” is all Blake says and I’m starting to thinks that’s why her character exists now, to agree with Ruby. It’s great that she’s getting a little distance from Yang, but man.

As Ruby asks whether Pietro can get Amity up and running despite it not being finished (called it) we start an incredibly odd sequence of flashforwards to their individual missions. I’ve seen a lot of praise for this already and though I agree that, in theory, it’s a good way to save time, I found the actual execution to be jarring. Upon thinking back through our timeline, it became clear they were flashforwards, but while watching I thought they might be flashbacks (especially since that’s more common).

Some of the shots, like Nora’s, just look awkward when you’ve got the exact expression and pose transplanted from one scene to another, like she’s a cardboard cutout behind a green screen. To say nothing of how the flashforwards ruin any suspense (I use that word loosely) in the conversation itself. If the question is, “Will they decide to go to the military compound?” then that question is answered when we see Ruby scoping out the compound, not when the group actually decides on the course of action.

It just made an already muddled scene worse for me, so I hope this trend doesn’t continue.

And of course, Amity can be used despite all the info last volume claiming that it wasn’t finished. Pietro suddenly acts like it is finished and the only thing standing in their way is Ironwood providing access. If that were the case, he would have used Amity weeks or days ago like he wanted to! When was it finished? Not after Watts commented on how incomplete it was. When did they get back the resources they needed from Robyn? It’s as ridiculous and retcon-y as I thought it would be.

Yang points out that Ironwood will never listen to them and Ruby counters that “he doesn’t have to.” They’ll just take the access from him. Because why wouldn’t they in a series where they’ve already stolen two airships? Stealing from the super evil military that Joanna wishes were helping them right now is just the group’s go-to plan nowadays.

Pietro isn’t sold on this plan though. He lists at least three obstacles they’d need to get through “and then… oh boy, I might need to think about this some more.” “And just to clarify,” Oscar says, “This is the easy option?” Um...no it’s not? We also know there’s an access point in Ironwood’s office so… why not go there instead? They really think the Academy is less guarded than the military base? There’s a potential justification here along the lines of, “After Neo and Cinder broke into his office Ironwood will have the place on high alert,” but unless I missed it the group doesn’t assume anything like that. They just listen to Pietro point out all the ways they can’t get into the military base and jump straight to that being the best option. It feels like a transparent way to create conflict for the group. We’ll just have them taking the most dangerous route despite an easy route being offered alongside it. Why bother mentioning his office at all? Just have the access in the military base. Boom, done.

It’s that conflict and the fact that Ruby tends to hear “You can’t” and digs in her heels. You can’t go to Atlas. I’ll just steal a ship then. You can’t defeat Salem. Watch me. You can’t break into this base. Guess what I’m doing! She’s dangerous in her fairy tale, meta-driven insistence that everything will turn out her way because she wants it to.

Speaking of, we finally—FINALLY—get someone challenging Ruby. Sort of. Not actually but it’s the closest we’ve ever gotten:

Yang: “Ruby, when we came here we said we’d follow your lead… but things haven’t exactly worked out.”

Now, there are two things to take away from this moment. The first is how utterly shocked Ruby and the others are. I mean, take a look at these expressions.

Ruby straight up can’t believe what she’s hearing. Weiss put her hand to her mouth like this is the most dramatic thing to ever happen to her. Oscar looks down in a ‘Yeah, I agree but please don’t look at me and make me admit that’ way. And Nora looks indifferent in the screenshot but animated she goes sort of stern, likely pissed that Yang would dare say that given her own agreement with Ruby. This not only reiterates that Yang’s challenge came out of nowhere—seriously, how did we move from following Ruby no matter what to this? Last volume she asked a single question along the lines of, ‘You sure?’ and when Ruby said ‘Yes’ Yang was entirely on board—but also demonstrates that no one has EVER said no to her before. Ruby is amazed that someone would challenge her. The act of challenging Ruby is, in and of itself, shocking. This group has gotten so used to following Ruby blindly that the teensiest little pushback is greeted with this.

Because it is teensy. This is the second takeaway: Yang barely challenges her and that challenge leads nowhere. She doesn’t accuse Ruby of anything, she doesn’t question her continued authority, she just broadly implies that things could be better. We followed you, now things are bad, take from that what you will. It’s incredibly mild as far as criticism goes, making the shock all the more, well, shocking, but it also amounts to—wait for it—nothing! Because Yang didn’t truly challenge Ruby’s leadership. She’s still in charge, she’s still calling the shots, and they’re still listening to her. We might have gotten some change if this division had been allowed to play out, but instead Jaune comes in with a, “Let’s go for both!” solution. It let’s both groups get what they want which, in turn, releases them from the need to grapple with whether they’ll listen to Ruby when she’s advocating for something they don’t agree with. We have now lost the chance to see whether, when push comes to shove, Ren and Yang will cave to Ruby’s will or stick by their own beliefs.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s more conflict than we’ve gotten in years, but that doesn’t mean it’s particularly compelling conflict. It’s good by RWBY’s standards, which doesn’t necessarily make it good. The actual issues at hand—Ruby’s dangerous arrogance, the group’s loyalty, her choices up until now—are just swept under the rug. For all the visuals we get insisting that there’s this great divide in the group… there’s really not. Not in any way that matters.

Also, Ruby is an idiot. Okay, that was mean, but she really is in this scene. She’s actually not an idiot overall because she was written as wonderfully intelligent in the early volumes, but now? Lately? She makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

“But that’s how Salem got this far,” she cries. “By dividing us!”

Ruby… oh my god, Ruby. No one should have to explain to you that dividing people means turning them against each other, not literally dividing your team to complete separate tasks. This girl honestly thought that because there was this teensy disagreement and that half the team would complete Plan A while she and the other half completed Plan B, both of which notably work towards the goal of, “Protect people from Salem,” that this was somehow what Salem wanted. That is was dangerous. Honestly, it’s a scary look at her view of leadership too: If everyone doesn’t 100% agree with me and do what I say, that’s an objectively bad thing that the grimm queen wants, right? Does Ruby think that unification means following a single person (her) without question or variation? That would explain a lot...

The fact that Oscar needs to explain the difference to her is not good. It really doesn’t say great things about this version of Ruby. Though he was comparing Ironwood to Salem last volume, so really they should all be wearing dunce hats.

Penny offers to take the relic directly to Salem in exchange for her leaving the kingdom alone. I honestly didn’t expect that. If anyone took that risk I would have put my money on Ozpin (but of course, during all this talk of the women he knows best, he’s kept quiet). Oscar is again the voice of wisdom, pointing out that they have no reassurance that Salem will keep her word. At least Penny is thinking about Salem as a threat though, so kudos for that. When this plan is shot down she volunteers to get Ruby past the military security instead and, uh, she’s a little intense about it.

I’m not entirely sure what is going on with Penny. She disagreed with Winter but then seemed to come around to her point of view, enough to help anyway. They had another (stupid) disagreement about the value of individual lives, so that helps to explain why she’s teaming up with RWBYJNOR (if you ignore that Ironwood is also trying to save individual lives...). Did watching Fria die shake her up? Is it being the Winter Maiden that’s not sitting right? Does Penny have lingering feelings about the framing that haven’t shown up until now? Her status as a ‘real girl’? We’ve got a lot of reasons that could definitely explain this sudden need to fight, but we’re not told which—if any of these—is the driving force.  

We’re then given a lot of little details. Someone points out that if Salem gets the staff and “create[s] anything else” then Atlas will fall (so yeah, let’s move the people underneath it). We still don’t know what exactly the Staff does because “creation” is kind of broad and “powering a city to float” doesn’t seem to sit within that category at all. Pietro gives Yang the keys to his lab so they can get the bikes. We see the group dividing in the flashforwards, something I do like, especially since the show has gone out of its way to break up most of the usual duos. Nora in particular is pissed at Ren for his choice.

“Oh, I’m saving Mantle because I actually believe we can do this.”

#yikes. Well, I did say I wanted a conflict other than ‘Oh no, one of us might die’ and it looks like I got it. But Nora, the only reason you can do this is because the plot is in your corner: none of you are collapsing from two major fights, you didn’t lose your aura so the cold isn’t a danger, the military is barely a threat all of a sudden, Salem is helpfully hanging out in her whale instead of killing you, and the story decided that Amity can function so long as you all are the ones who get to use it. That’s why you can do this. Ren, who follows in-world logic and doesn’t want to risk a whole kingdom’s worth of lives on a pipe dream, thinks differently, oddly enough.

As they leave though Penny gets a call from Ironwood. I know precisely what the fandom is going to say here: “This evil man is just trying to use Penny to open the vault!” Of course he is. He needs it open to save everyone he can, Penny included. Plus the concept of “using” her is a double-edged sword. What do we think the group is doing right now? Using her to get past the security. Penny’s power is a tool any way you slice it. Granted, Penny volunteers to help the group, but notably here Ruby speaks for her. Penny seems torn and Ruby takes the scroll away with, “She’s not going anywhere until you change your mind about Mantle.”

Sorry, Ruby, but coming from you that sounds less like a reassurance for Penny and more like just an order for Ironwood. Remember Harriet? We’ll stop attacking you provided you do what we want. Ruby has yet to learn about compromises, let alone acknowledge that she might be wrong. How about you let Penny decide where she goes, especially since by all logic she should have a lot of loyalty to Ironwood. She knew him before she ever met you. She’s worked with him since she was rebuild post-Volume 3. Despite what Penny has said, if the story would just let her think about his actions for a hot second—making her the protector of Mantle, sticking up for her after the framing, sending her to the party, teaming her up with Ruby, etc.—she might realize that the ‘He doesn’t want me to have friends’ and ‘He just treats me like a tool’ assumptions are just that, unfounded assumptions. But no, Ruby speaks for them both because Ironwood is evil now.

“If she makes it through our defenses,” Ironwood says, “everything that follows will be on your hands.”

That’s true! Kind of like how it’s own Qrow’s hands that Clover died. When you insist on making a bad situation worse you hold responsibility when the shit hits the fan. You know though that Salem won’t get through their defenses now, somehow, so that there’s no chance RWBYJNOR will be blamed for it. Or, by that point Ironwood will be so crazed that anything coming out of his mouth is dismissed, no matter how accurate it might be.

We then transfer to the Ace Ops who are, despite what the fandom theorized for many months, clearly upset about Clover. Also pissed. Which they have every right to be. Their friend and leader was killed. Imagine for a moment that Ruby had been murdered by Tyrian with an allies’ help. Exactly what do you think the group would do? Swallow it quietly and get over it? Ha.

I’ve already seen some speculation that Clover survived due to details like showing us the bandage and his room being listed as for a “Patient,” but he looks pretty dead to me.

He got gutted through the chest and left out in the snow for who knows how long. We saw him slip away. Qrow screamed over his dead body. He’s not breathing now. If RWBY suddenly claims he survived this, I’m calling BS.

Most of the other visuals we get here were already dropped in the trailer. Winter is pretty injured from her encounter with Cinder, likely permanently based on her new outfit. Ironwood had to replace his arm—and I am calling BS on that “Losing his arm is reflective of him losing his humanity” commentary from RT. Please go read up on a couple decades worth of ableism in media and then get back to me.

We get Ironwood’s line about the light shields and, notably, a whole lot of empathy. Regardless of what he might want Penny for, he still called her with compassion. He’s watching the Ace Ops mourn their friend. He’s talking about protecting his kingdom. The first thing he says to Winter is, “Thank you, Winter. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Ironwood has a heart! It’s always on display, which makes this scene utterly ridiculous.

I literally don’t know how to respond to this. The gunshot made me jump, both because it’s a gunshot and because, again, what the fuck? I know I said that next volume RT might just have Ironwood descend into full villainy, shooting whoever he pleases now that he’s shot Oscar, but I didn’t actually expect them to do it. Because he never should have shot Oscar in the first place! I wanted the story to let Oscar grapple with it a bit and then quietly backtrack, acknowledging it as the mistake it was. The concept that Ironwood, empathetic Ironwood, rational Ironwood, always thinks before he acts Ironwood, let’s kids yell at him Ironwood, tried to team up with Robyn Ironwood, did everything Ruby wanted Ironwood, won’t kill Watts after he destroyed his arm Ironwood would shoot this guy just to shut him up is absurd. It was absurd then, it’s absurd now.

That being said, there’s a possibility he didn’t actually shoot the council member, but rather just (“just”) gave a warning shot down the hallway. I say this because the reactions to this are pretty tame. Everyone looks startled, yeah, but after the initial shot there’s nothing that I would expect if there was now a guy bleeding out on the floor. The council woman doesn’t scream. Winter doesn’t seem overly shocked. No one is running to try and help him. Basically, if Ironwood had just killed a political figure in front of six witnesses, entirely unprovoked, I would expect a bit more of a reaction than this. This feels far more like a, “Damn he’s not joking around, letting off warning shots to get people to leave him alone” not “WOW, our general just killed someone in cold blood!”

What I really hate though—beyond just assassinating his character—is how many fans think my friends and I are delusional for calling it character assassination at all. I hopped onto the RWBY tag for five minutes this morning and was bombarded with posts about how Ironwood needs to be murdered horrifically, anyone who likes him is sick, the Ironwood stans are as bad as Adam stans, you’re an idiot if you want him redeemed… because apparently the concept of a story writing a character badly doesn’t compute. I’m not here to argue that Ironwood didn’t do these awful things (regardless of whether he actually killed the guy or not). I’m not here to argue that they’re not awful. I’m just here to say that we never should have gotten these scenes in the first place, or if we were going to get them, we deserved an actual descent into murder at the drop of a hat territory. I’ve already explained extensively on this blog how early Ironwood was not accurate foreshadowing for this, and Volume 7 certainly wasn’t setup, but it looks like the majority of fans aren’t interested in examining whether any of this adds up. Which makes my job, as someone trying to examine this series somewhat objectively—in as much as that’s possible for any single viewer—as well as simply enjoy it as a show, really hard. It’s bad enough when a story keeps taking the characters you love and villainizing them, and doing that badly, but then when you turn to the community and see them rallying around the idea that you’re awful for being dissatisfied—you’re the bootlicker, you’re the blind stan, you can’t see what’s ‘really’ going on here… that sucks. For those of you happy and satisfied with Ironwood’s arc, that’s great! I’ve also seen a lot of posts hyping up the complexity of his character now. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying what we’ve been given and I’d never want to imply that just because it’s not what I wanted it’s somehow wrong. I’m honestly thrilled that after a year of worry so many people have adored our premiere, including this scene. I just wish that I could say RWBY had given me something I didn’t want in a persuasive manner and that the fandom as a whole was a bit more welcoming of differing criticisms.

Not that I didn’t already know the RWBY fandom had its flaws, but still lol.

That’s basically it for our premiere. Nice note to end on, huh? Our final scene is of Salem using the lamp to set her bloodhound grimm on the city. Why doesn’t she just go herself? What was she planning to do here in Atlas in the first place, considering that getting the relic was a surprise? Who knows. Little about this holds together. But we do end with another awesome shot, so small favors.

It’s always strange concluding a recap, but even more-so when it’s a premiere, during a historical moment in the U.S., amidst all the nonsense that is 2020. So for now I’ll just conclude with three quick things:

The updated bingo board will be listed at the end of each recap, provided I don’t forget about it lol. Today I’m checking off tone (not nearly enough freaking out about Salem), the team keeping secrets (Oscar), and major plot point dropped (Amity is suddenly finished). I could also probably check off the cold not killing civilians and getting Amity up and running, but we’ll see if any changes with those.

I’m including my Ko-Fi link at the end of recaps now. Not with any expectations. Not with anything resembling pressure. I thought long and hard over whether to include it at all—let alone mention it here—because I love doing these and never want anyone to feel like it comes with strings attached. But life is a little harder and weirder than it was last year, so I figure it can’t hurt. Feel free to pass on by and I won’t be bringing it up past this note.

Far more importantly: thank you for reading! :D

(Bonus 4. Editing this was an absolute nightmare — damn you, tumblr!  — so I apologize if anything is super wonky when I finally post.)

See you next week! 💜

[Ko-Fi]

[igirisuhito]

Title: We’re not in a position to be loved Relationship(s): Shuichi Saihara/Ouma Kokichi Rating: Mature Summary:  Numerous prompts sentence writing meme from Tumblr, except I have no idea how to be brief. Exploring the dynamics with Oumasai, mostly during strange encounters after trials. They have very mixed feelings about eachother Trigger Warnings: Brief mention of power dynamic imbalance

[Ao3 Link]

——— ☆ • ♧ • 🃏 • ♧ • ☆ ———

Angst

Knowing that it was Kokichi's body in there seemed so much more painful than if it had been Kaito. He died as he lived, confusing, lying, leaving everybody with a burning hatred. 

Shuichi bit at the insides of his cheeks to quell the tears building up in his eyes. It wasn't fair, he deserved at least some closure on Kokichi's actions. 

Nobody deserved such a painful death, not even him. 

AU (in which Kokichi wasn't given the memories he was meant to be nor was his mind wiped) 

Click

"W-why did you lock the door?"

"Hush Shuichi.” Kokichi spoke quickly, spinning around and poking Shuichi hard in the chest. “Now tell me, you're suspicious of your 'Ultimate Detective' status, right?" 

He flinched, surprised by the sudden touch. "...Do you want me to hush or answer the question?"

Kokichi pouted dramatically. "THE QUESTION!!" 

"Okay um… I guess? Like, I only solved a single case..."

"Right! But you don't remember how you got here?" 

"N-no I don't..."

Groaning loudly, Kokichi’s hands threaded into his hair as he began to ruffle it angrily. "Fuck me, this sucks!"

Shuichi watched the other boy closely as he continued his temper tantrum, angrily stomping across the room and beginning to shuffle through the mounds of paraphernalia in his room. There was evidence from the two previous trials, a whiteboard, large stacks of paper and other… things.

"Aha!" He yelled excitedly as he pulled out a brightly coloured tablet from underneath some stuff stolen from the warehouse. He slapped the device into Shuichi's hands aggressively. 

In his shock, Shuichi blinked a few times. "Is this a kubs pad...?" 

"Yes." Kokichi nodded once.

"So this is..."

"My motive video, yes."

"I don't think we should-" 

Before Shuichi had even finished his sentence, Kokichi had leaned over his shoulder and tapped the screen, bringing the video to life.

"Alright! Back by popular demand, it's time for the motive video! Who's the most important person in *your* life? And now, without further ado…

Kokichi Ouma, the Ultimate Supreme Leader… 

He caused mayhem the world over as the leader of the secret organisation, D.I.C.E. And by 'mayhem,' I mean petty nonviolent crimes and harmless pranks. 

Anyway, Kokichi had ten loyal goons working for him. These goons were like friends and family… The most important people in his life…"

"See all these guys? I don't know any of 'em! I didn't run some secret organisation, I used to just harass stupid idiots on the internet!" Kokichi muttered away, words spat with frustration as he yanked the tablet from Shuichi's hands. "I don't have those memories like the rest of you do!" 

"So you're…not the Ultimate Supreme Leader?"

"No! That's what I'm saying!" 

"Then why do you act like that…?" 

"Well I'm sure if the mastermind realised I knew they'd kill me in a heartbeat!" With a sigh, Kokichi threw himself onto his bed. "Jesus what kind of guy does awful things and then follows it up with 'That's just what an Ultimate Supreme Leader does!'? I was dropping hints to you the whole time! You really aren't an Ultimate Detective, huh?" 

Shuichi didn't know what to say. He simply stood there, mouth hanging agape as he watched the boy spill his secrets. 

A scary realisation gripped at his heart, and he twisted his head around to look to the corner of the room. "B-But what about-"

"I busted all the cameras in the room the night we got here.” Kokichi muttered casually, crossing one leg over the other and twirling a strand of hair in his hand. “Doesn't seem like Monokuma's noticed yet." 

Right right. That's logical. Shuichi took a moment to process the new information in his mind. 

"So this, our memories, our talents, everything. It's all fake?" He brought his hand to his mouth, mumbling to words behind his fingers. "What Kaede died for… isn't even real?" 

"Right on bucko!” A snigger slipped past Kokichi’s lips as he grinned bitterly. “This shit's all fabricated by somebody who was dumb enough to forget to plant those fake memories in my brain and wipe the real ones!" 

Shuichi's chest tightened. He could feel some sinking feeling in his gut, twisting and winding its way up to strangle his windpipe, threatening to make him break down in tears right there. He swallowed the feeling down, transforming his sadness into a burning anger. "W-why didn't you say something earlier… before everybody died?" 

"Again, I didn't want to inform the mastermind. The only people trustworthy enough were Rantaro and maaaybee you. I really just took a punt when it came to telling you, which was pretty risky especially since it was your girlfriend who clocked the only person I could trust." Kokichi sighed again, glancing up at the ceiling.

Biting hard into his lip, Shuichi found himself running out of words to say that didn't involve screaming at the boy. "So, what now then?" 

Kokichi smiled sadly. "I don't know. I really don't know. "

Crack

"Focus focus… what turned the handle of the sliding lock?" 

Shuichi muttered to himself as he pressed his foot down on the accelerator, speeding up in preparation of hitting the wOuman representing the correct answer. 

He had driven this taxi quite a few times now and was getting used to it. The neon lights, the oversaturated sunset, those massive billboards. 

Thunk

Ah, yes the killer used the Katana…

As he was headed out of the city, he began to realise that he really couldn't tell what was on those billboards. Driving at 100km/h makes it hard to see anything but the road ahead. 

He lifted his foot from the pedal slightly, allowing himself to get a better look at whatever nonsense was being displayed there. 

Above Shuichi was a large picture of Kokichi Ouma, dressed not in his usual 'attire' if you can even call it that, but rather a frilly pink apron.

A frilly pink apron and nothing else. 

Shuichi floored it. Ignoring the sensation of his heart beating out of his chest. 

"No wonder I'm meant to drive so fast… gay thoughts can't travel at such high speeds…"

Future

"Heeeey Shuichi! You're lookin pretty depressive." 

Shuichi ignored the teasing voice.

"Heeeeeeeey." Kokichi plopped himself down on the desk where Shuichi had been working, making it impossible for him to focus on the work in front of him and ignore the boy. 

Shuichi sat back in his chair, remaining completely silent. 

"Why are you ignoring me? I thought you loved me, Shu?" 

Gritting his teeth, Shuichi slapped his hands over his ears. A mixture of rage and sadness boiled up inside his chest causing tears to prick at the corners of his eyes.

"Shut up! SHUT UP! YOU'RE DEAD!"

He shook his head aggressively. When he finally opened his eyes again, Kokichi was no longer there to start back at him sadly, like he were something pathetic.

 First time

A sight Shuichi had never expected to see greeted him upon entering the classroom. 

A shorter man with purple hair and a strange white getup had a robotic looking boy pinned down against a desk, their hips pressed closely together. Just what had he walked in on?

"So you do have a dick?" The shorter boy grinned mischievously

"Yes-! No-!” The robotic boy refuted, struggling to push the other off “Please just let go of me!" 

The purple haired boy seemed to become aware of Shuichi's presence in the room. He twisted his head around in a creepy owl-like way to glance at him, before letting go of the robot boy with a big grin.

"Well hello there! I don't believe we've met!" The boy scurried over to Shuichi, grabbing his hand and giving it a firm, quick shake. "Kokichi Ouma, Ultimate Supreme Leader! It's lovely to make your acquaintance." 

Shuichi stepped back a little, surprised by the sudden change in personality. "Oh, um… Shuichi Saihara.... Ultimate Detective."

Kokichi’s expression changed suddenly, leaving him looking rather surprised. "Oh? A detective? I'm sure we're not going to get along, but I look forward to seeing more of you!"

"R-right..." Shuichi stammered, mind still reeling from the quick succession of events. 

Humour 

This scene was one Shuichi had… not been expecting.

He wanted to have a more extensive look around his lab, especially with what sort of dangerous stuff was in there. Maybe find a way to lock all that poison away so nobody could access it? 

But his plans had come to a halt. There was something wrapped up in a blanket sitting in front of the fireplace. 

Somebody was in his lab. 

Shuichi stepped into the room quietly, it seemed whoever was there hadn't noticed his presence. Thank god they'd left the door slightly ajar… 

He picked up the sand timer from the coffee table. It was quite weighty and could definitely do some damage if struck with a strong enough force. Gripping the metal tightly, he began to lightly stalk his way over, careful to not startle the intruder as he made his way closer. 

The detective's heart was racing. Who would even be in his lab? Surely nobody was stupid enough to stir trou-

…

It's Kokichi, isn't it?

This only made things worse. Should he be scared or angry? Was Kokichi going to attack him? Did Kokichi already know he was there? Did he plan to try and poison somebody?! 

Possibilities were beginning to pile up in Shuichi's mind, exacerbating his anxiety. Panic was beginning to set in as the boy raised the sand timer above his head, fully prepared to strike.

Snooore

Shuichi froze. Was Kokichi…asleep? 

He lowered the sandtimer, still keeping a firm grip as he crept closer to the fireplace in order to get a better look at Kokichi. 

His suspicions were confirmed. The boy was sat cross legged in front of the fire with a book in his lap. Drool was leaking from his open mouth as he snored softly away, completely oblivious to the blood dripping down his forehead. 

Ehh?! Blood?!

Shuichi gasped loudly, perhaps a little too loud as Kokichi startled awake. 

The Supreme Leader glanced towards Shuichi, then to the object in his hand. "Oh, Shuichi! Finally come to beat my head in huh? I'm surprised it took ya this long!" 

Fluff (continuation of humour) 

"Wh-what?! No!" Shuichi stood with his mouth hanging open for a moment before tossing the sandtimer aside. "Wh-why are you in my lab?" 

"Huh? Isn't it obvious?" 

"...reading?"

Kokichi sighed, flexing his fingers in an odd yet overwhelmingly gay gesture. "No, are you stupid? Geez, I thought you cared about me."

Before Shuichi could question what he was rambling on about, Kokichi wiped a little bit of blood away from his eyebrow. 

"Oh, right. Did the wound re-open?" Kneeling down next to him, Shuichi eyed the rivulets of blood shining on his forehead. They were beginning to dry and flake, but the wound still looked wet.

"Mm, yeah, it's not a big deal though. I wanted to see if there was any medicine in here that would help the blood clot faster, but alas, only poison. I mean, what kind of fake school is this if it doesn't have a nurses office?" Kokichi murmured the last sentence barely loud enough for the other to hear. 

"Sorry, I think there's a first aid kit in here though.” Rising to his feet, Shuichi walked over to the poison’s cupboard, beginning to search the room starting with where he was pretty sure he last saw it. “Let me have a look."

Kokichi went to object, but swallowed it before he could get the words out. He was pretty sure if he tried to stand up again, he would go down like a sack of bricks.

"Ah! Here it is." Shuichi exclaimed, perhaps a little too excited with his successful search. He picked up the small box, scurrying over to where Kokichi sat before kneeling down in front of him. The box was opened with a click, and Shuichi opened the lid. Inside were numerous bandaids, gauzes, swabs, etc. It was a pretty standard kit, which was surprising, considering the fact it were surrounded by poisons. 

He reached for the bottle of alcohol, something to help clean the wound to prevent possible infection. Kokichi seemed like the type to be negligent with a wound, so of course he had to do it for him. He then grabbed a small cotton gauze, placing it to the side as he twisted open the lid of the bottle.

Kokichi observed closely as he placed the gauze over the lid, tipping the bottle upside down so the alcohol soaked into the gauze. He was surprised but just how experienced Shuichi seemed to be with this kind of thing.

“Wow Shuichi, you seem to be a reeeeal expert at this stuff! Maybe they should re-title you ‘Ultimate Nurse!’” He mocked, laughing a little as Shuichi glared up at him.

“Basic First-Aid training is a requirement for being out in the field.” Shuichi muttered, putting the bottle down and raising the gauze to Kokichi’s head. “This will sting a little.”

He thread his hand into the purple bangs, pulling them back to get a clear access to the wound. Shuichi had no qualms with hurting Kokichi, however, as he was not very gentle as he wiped the gauze over the gash in his head.

Kokichi squirmed in pain, gripping the blanket tightly in his hands as he whined. “Ow ow ow ow!! Stop it Shu!!!” 

A warmth was rising in his cheeks, probably all that blood returning to his head. Shuichi’s fingers were cold against this scalp, it was embarrassing, humiliating. Why did he have to baby him like this? Especially when he had been so adamant about rejecting Kokichi in the past.

“It doesn’t hurt that much, you’re being a baby.” 

“You’re so mean Shuichi.” Sticking out his bottom lip, Kokichi pouted dramatically. 

Shuichi did take the effort to make his touches a little more gentle, only because he didn’t want to listen to Kokichi’s whines, of course.

When all the dried blood had been cleaned off, he tossed the bloodied gauze into the trash can. He scrounged around in the box a little, seeking an appropriately sized bandage that he wouldn't have to cut down. When he found one, he held it up, checking to see if it fit.

For a second, Shuichi found himself staring. Kokichi looked nice with his hair up, showing off those pretty purple eyes and surprisingly dark lashes.

Then he reminded himself of the awful things Kokichi had done. Throwing Gonta under the bus, laughing in the face of his death.

Shuichi pressed the bandage to Kokichi’s forehead, sticking it carefully over the wound. “Even though I helped you, I don’t forgive you. I need you to know that I still think you’re a terrible person, Kokichi.”

Kokichi’s heart sank a little. “Nobody asked you to! I don’t want your forgiveness.”

He slapped Shuichi’s hand away, rising to his feet quickly. He blinked back the lightheadedness, steadying himself before walking to the door. 

With a shaking hand, he opened the door. He opened it halfway, before pausing.

“...Thank you.”

The door slammed behind him, leaving Shuichi alone in the room, surrounded by First-Aid equipment.

Hurt/Comfort

The doorbell rang, the sound reverberating around Shuichi's tiny room. It was probably Kaito finally coming for training tonight.

Though… Shuichi glanced up at the clock quickly. It was kind of late for that…

With a sigh, he got up from his bed, springs creaking beneath his shifting weight.

He opened the door, only to find an empty corridor with nobody there. Strange… who on earth would have the audacity to play a prank after such a horrific trial? It could only be one person.

"Kokichi…?"

A soft gasp could be heard from down the hall. Shuichi leaned out of the doorway, spying Kokichi awkwardly escaping down the stairs.

"Haha!" He laughed. "Guess who just got ding-dong-ditched! As if I'd be coming to seek advice from you so late at night!" 

Shuichi narrowed his eyes, preparing to growl out an insult to Kokichi, something about being so insensitive after three people had died. He hesitated, however, upon noticing the watery gleam in those purple eyes.

The detective sighed and held his door open with one hand. "Come in, Kokichi."

Kokichi's mouth gaped at the sudden invitation. He wasn't going to let it pass, and dashed towards Shuichi before throwing his arms around the boy's waist and squeezing him tightly. 

"I… don't want to do this anymore..." Kokichi mumbled, burying his face into Shuichi's shirt. 

The other boy flinched at the sudden touch, something that was incredibly out of character for Kokichi. There seemed to be no threat, though, so he dropped his guard with a sigh.

Shuichi carefully placed a hand on Kokichi's head, petting him gently. "I know..."

Smut

"Ohh! Who would have thought that you were skilled in more areas than investigating? Isn't this a little illegal though? Sticking your dick in a suspect?" 

'Is anything technically illegal if it's a dream?' Shuichi wondered as he stepped one leg at a time out of his slacks.

"Hey! Keep on the task at hand, pretty boy." Kokichi snapped, clicking his fingers in front of Shuichi's face. 

"A-ah right. Sorry..."

Unresolved Sexual Tension

"So when faced with a problem you don't understand, you resort to violence, Shuichi? You're such a brute, just like Kaito."

"Shut up! There's just no logic with you! Why do you even keep doing this?!"

Kokichi refused to break eye contact for even a second. The boy pressing him against the wall dug his fingers even harder into his shoulders, stabbing into the skin below painfully.

"Do you feel nothing?! Isn't there even a single shred of empathy left in you?!"

"Shuichi." Kokichi smirked. "It's been incredibly cute watching you play detective, but unfortunately I don't think your blind luck will help you any longer."

The shorter boy shoved Shuichi off with a strength he hadn't shown before, leaving the detective stunned and a little shaken.

As Kokichi walked back to the trial room's elevator, Shuichi caught himself staring in awe. 

"...cute?"

[kvella]

Port in the Storm - Prologue  (Josephine x Cullen)

A mead fueled tryst brings the Inquisition’s Ambassador and Commander together one night, but responsibility and miscommunication keeps them apart. When they’re assigned to build a memorial for Haven, will they find their way through the chaos or say turn away from each other forever? 

Read on ao3

Prologue

Josephine and Cullen call a stalemate and have a mead-fueled encounter.

To find the Ambassador and the Commander at the Haven tavern was unusual, if not unheard of.

On this particular evening, the advisors had an unexpectedly light workload on their hands, the Herald being off in the Hinterlands to track down a potential Warden ally. Setting aside that they were what Josephine graciously liked to call “very different people” on a good day, she and Cullen had spent the better part of the afternoon bickering over the weathered maps of the war table. As the first dinner bell rang, Leliana excused herself, tired of the stubbornness and sniping and impatient to return to her work.

Embracing the rare opportunity for a free night, they declared a stalemate on the appropriate way to acquire resources  - “just for the evening,” she jested - and found themselves taking in the ambiance of the local pub. It must have been something about the candle light or the dulcet melody of the flute, but as the sky fell dark, their words grew unmistakably flirtatious . One glass led to another, led to one glass of sweet honeyed mead too many and a surprisingly handsy, stumbling stroll back to the Chantry.

It’s hard to say who initiated, who pulled whom behind the Chargers’ tent but suddenly they were intertwined with arms around necks and hips, mouths dancing across each other’s cheeks and lips and chins. They parted, chuckling at the absurdity of the moment and the warmth of the mead bright and high in their cheeks and the crisp, snowy air nipping at their skin.

Pulling open the heavy Chantry door, Cullen grabbed Josephine’s hand boldly, but the gentleness with which he whispered “Is this okay?” melted her heart. Breathlessly, she whispered “yes” and he led her down the hall, a half-step ahead of her. Both were exhilarated by the openness with which they cavorted, regardless of the scarcity of people around at this time of night. They practically scampered down the hall to the bedroom in the far back, a strange youthful giddiness between them, so unlike either’s usual demeanor.

Cullen went first, opening the door to the room and heading inside. As she stepped in, Josephine caught a glance of Vivienne’s narrowed eye down the hall, felt the distinctive sense of judgement dripping from her eyes, high, mighty, and filing this sight away for her personal chess game. Deciding to ignore the opinions of others for once in her life, she raised her chin defiantly and followed him inside. No one else was around the Chantry at the late hour, and their good spirits and libidinous energy bounced off the stone walls.

She scanned the sparse room quickly, though she knew they were alone. To the left, Cassandra’s bed lay untouched. The Seeker had been away for weeks. A rather large tome sat on the table next to a candle that was burnt so low it may never light again. In the back, Josephine’s lived-in bed - made, but not fussily so, not when there are so many more important things to do than have a crisply folded sheet. Her lute sat dusty near her nightstand, an admittedly frivolous item to bring to a war, despite best intentions of putting her past as a bard towards morale and raised spirits. And on the right, Cullen’s bed, a Templar bed if she’d ever seen one. Regulation corners and all.

Cullen pulled her to him by the waist, kissed her hard, seemed to find a renewed sense of purpose in the privacy of their room. The fur of his mantle tickled against her neck. “Do you know,” he asked between fervent kisses, “I have thought about this every day since you moved into this room?”

A good, pious Chantry boy thinking about kissing her with all the passion of a sinner under this holy roof, every damn day. The thought made her knees weak. She moaned lightly against his lips. Filled with confidence, she walked him back against his bed, toppling him down atop the tautly pulled linens.

Desire rested deep in her belly, a sensation she hadn’t entertained for anyone in years. He fiddled with the satin buttons at her throat, jangling her heavy necklace back and forth against her collarbones. She leaned back, trying to give him space to work, fingers making waves through his carefully combed hair. Satisfied with the amount of flesh he’d exposed, he rose to her neck - the feeling of his smooth lips and stubble brushing against her throat was divine and she closed her eyes to savor it. Quickly, a brief flash in the theater of her mind: Vivienne and her haughty sideways glance. The Herald and Cassandra recruiting forces off in the Hinterlands. The bright emerald gashes tearing apart the sky.

A pang of panic struck her heart. Lifting her bejeweled hands to gently cup his face, she kissed him deeply, slowly. His stubble was rough against the pads of her fingers. She wanted to go further, wanted to be closer and closer, truly couldn’t believe she was about to say this until she felt the unfortunate words tumble out of her mouth like marbles.

“We should stop.”

He ceased instantly, removed his hands from her as if commanded by the Maker himself. “Okay.” His amber eyes were smoky, lips swollen and pink and thoroughly kissed. He was so beautiful that, for a brief moment, she reconsidered. "Why?" He asked, regaining composure.

She crawled off of him, settled on her knees at the foot of his bed. A cloud of disappointment floating around her hung head. He propped himself up on his elbows, catching his breath, and let his head roll back in thought, probably some frustration. She couldn’t fault him for that - her body ached for him, but her mind knew how these things tend to go. The mead was in her cheeks, hot and hazy, and his hands had mussed soft wisps of hair around her face, a golden halo illuminated by the fire.

Softly, carefully, she said, “It is not that I do not want this. In fact, I have thought of it...quite often. But…” She paused, dropped her voice to a whisper as if she was not certain that what she was about to say was a good choice. “I do not want just one night. And to become entangled right now with so much at stake...it is a fool’s errand, is it not?”

He sat up, eyes shut tight and brow furrowed in deliberation. She tried not to look at him, hope churning in her gut that he’d quell her fears or try to convince her otherwise or at least tell her he felt the same. Instead he responded, “You are right.”

It was quiet for a moment, only the crackling of the fire and the tension of disappointment to sooth them as they contemplated the many boundaries they had crossed together. Josephine felt a fire stirring in her veins. This man who rarely backs down, let alone to her, had simply caved to her concern without a single protestation.

She couldn’t help herself, and picked the fight anyway. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say? When do you ever agree with me?” It came out sharper than intended, but she didn’t try to soften it with more words.

Abruptly, Cullen stood, walked over to the small table near the fireplace. The sound of water pouring into glasses was nearly ear-splitting in the silence of their choice.  “I don’t know how I am meant to share a bedroom with you when I know what you feel like against me, Josie,” he said remorsefully, offering her the glass. Eyes wide, she took it with bated breath. ”But I know that you’re right - were we to continue, I am certain I would have no choice but to stay entangled.”

He leaned back against the fireplace, casually, and sipped the water. She stared at him, a mad kind of anticipation in her eyes. The words hit her ears, white hot. They sounded to her like something of a promise.

________________________________________________________________

I’ve been working on this story since July this year and it’s been so fun! I know this is not the most popular couple (join me in rarepair hell), but I have a soft spot for the Ambassador/General opposites attract dynamic. This story is up to chapter 8 on ao3, but figured I’d post it on here too! I’ve been a Bioware/DA fan since the beginning, but I’m new to tumblr (how did I make it to 27 without having a tumblr??) and want to make friends lol  Hope you enjoy! :) 

[alright--okay]

you ever been to a basement show? pt. 1

tsukishima kei x reader

summary: Tsukishima sees you everywhere, and for a big school thats weird. And it’s not like he’s gonna do anything, that’d be even weirder, but one day in your shared lecture he sees you wearing a shirt with some small band’s name. A band he know. And well, now he has to know who you are.

word count: ~1.5 k

a/n: this is college au where Tsukki is basically into really indie/alt music and so are you so you guys start as like concert buddies/friends and grow as more. I started this a while ago and have been posting to ao3 but I’m trying to find motivation to write more so imma start posting to tumblr lol hope anyone reading enjoys <3

read on ao3!

pt. 1 Polite Company - Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Tsukishima saw you everywhere, it didn’t make any sense. If the University of Tokyo was so big, why was he seeing the same girl all around campus?

Particularly in his one stupid archeology elective. The class was a joke compared to everything else he was taking but it gave him a break from his other more intense courses and he wasn’t about to refuse the opportunity to slack off. You were not only in the large lecture portion of the class but also in his recitation, meaning he saw you three times a week, not including the glances he caught of you just from walking around.

And he wasn’t stalking you (he swears), it’s just that you were … everywhere. Sitting in the last row of the lecture hall (just a few seats to the right of him), waiting for the TA outside the classroom for recitation (usually on your phone), or doing work in the student center as he passed through (always with your headphones on, always).

He had no clue who you were. You most probably weren’t an archeology major like himself, he would have seen you in the intro classes or any of the higher-level courses. Yeah, Tokyo was big but he could at least recognize some other people in the major, and he had never seen you in the three years he had been attending the University of Tokyo. Or at least didn’t notice you before, but that also seemed unlikely.

Today was no different. The lecture portion of the course was a little too early for anyone’s liking, so Tsukishima went to take his usual seat in the back row, ready to half pay attention, half play on his phone. You were already there, headphones atop your head as you continued to look at your phone, the faint sound of music escaped the padding by your ears but it was too muffled to make out an actual beat.

Tsukishima said a quick “excuse me” as he moved to step over your legs and bag on the ground. You remained quiet, giving a polite smile as you tucked your legs in, attempting to give him more room to pass. That’s when he caught sight of your sweatshirt. Normally he paid no mind to what you, let alone anyone, was wearing but the bubbled blue outline of the word “Forests” gave him pause. That was a band. That was a small band. How the fuck were you aware of their presence.

Tsukishima quickly made his way past you as he realized he really shouldn’t be staring at your chest (even if it was just to read your sweatshirt, he swears). He tried to nonchalantly maneuver his way into one of the old lecture hall seats a few down from yours before quickly pulling out his phone.

No way is it the same Forests, he thought as he brought up the band’s website and quickly scrolling through there merch.

Starring back at him was the same fucking sweatshirt. That meant you knew this band, this tiny band. He was so used to being alone in his music taste. Akiteru only listened to what was on the radio and Yamaguchi entertained Tsukishima when he went on rants about music and bands, but he didn’t really listen to any of it. Tsukishima had come to accept that his music-listening experience was mostly gonna be reserved for laying in his bed alone, staring at the ceiling, and absorbing the lyrics. This was fine, he could still enjoy the music just fine. But … you knew some of his music.

~~~

Tsukishima tried to ignore the thoughts of you. He didn’t know you, you were a random person who just so happened to maybe, possibly listen to the same type of music as him. Who cares?

It was a little later in the week and Tsukishima was making his way to the recitation for this stupid elective. The TA, as usual, was late so Tsukishima made his way over to the wall to wait, his own pair of headphones supplying a flow of music.

When you made an appearance from around the corner, Tsukishima couldn’t help the extra attention he paid to your clothing. And god fucking damn it. That was a Mom Jeans shirt. There was someone who listened to the same music as him. Or at least similar. But that was enough for Tsukishima to decide he wanted to talk to you.

To yama:

i have a situation

From yama:

oh ?? care to elaborate ?

Tsukishima paused. This was weird, wasn’t it? He had never interacted with you besides the time he had to move past you to get to his seat. And the lecture was huge. Nobody talked to each other unless you were already friends or were in desperate need of notes. Tsukishima was in neither of those situations.

To yama:

okay so theres this girl and before you say anything no im not trying to ask her out but she was wearing a shirt for a band i listen to

From yama:

that you listen to? not to say youre some hipster indie boy…. but you tend to listen to v obscure music

To yama:

yea i know that thats why im kinda freaking out like do i say something?? and if i do say something what would i even say

From yama:

go for it !! if shes anything like you she probably doesnt get to talk about music much either so just bring up her shirt or something itll be fine tsukki

To yama:

yea ill think about it

Tsukishima put his phone away as someone held the door open for him. Apparently the TA arrived sometime while he was texting Yamaguchi so he quickly made his way into the classroom, taking a seat a few rows behind you.

He would talk to you.

Just not today.

~~~

After the recitation the day before, you had pushed your headphones back onto your ears as soon as the TA was finished and made your way out of the room, his eyes following as you did so. Tsukishima had gone back to his apartment only to be further interrogated by Yamaguchi. What band? There were multiple bands? Did he know you? What class was this again? Are you cute? That’s where Tsukishima cut him off, moving into his room to attempt some work.

It was now Thursday morning, meaning it was time for the second half of the lecture. He was gonna do it. Tsukishima was going to talk to you.

He walked into the lecture hall, you again were already sitting in your seat at the back. Tsukishima (calmly, obviously he was calm) walked over to your seat and sat beside you.

~~~~~~

Who the fuck was this guy?

Yeah, you had seen him around, but he never talked to you, or anyone else in the class for that matter. And yet here he was, sitting next to you and gesturing for you to take off your headphones.

“Can I help you?” you said, complying by slipping the headphones around your neck.

He took a small, almost hesitant pause, “I noticed your shirt the other day, you listen to Forests?”

Your eyes grew slightly wider, “You know who they are?”

“Um, yeah and I’m not used to people listening to the same music as me so I thought I’d … I don’t know … say hi? Introduce myself?”

“Well, you haven’t done a very good job on that plan so far,” you paused to give him a small smile, “just saying.”

Tsukishima gave you a smirk of his own, “Hi,” he emphasized, making you smile wider, “I’m Tsukishima Kei. And you are?”

“l/n y/n,” you replied, smile still in place. “So you listen to Forests. Anyone else I might know?”

Tsukishima paused for a moment, and you knew exactly what he was thinking. Bands you listened to every day were not necessarily what everyone else listened to (which let’s be real, understandable), so replying to a question like this meant either replying with more popular bands people had likely heard of or going full-on obscure and have the person stare at you in confusion. But after a moment, Tsukishima responded with his own small list.

“I know a couple of them actually,” you saw his mouth give a small uptick, probably not used to that response, “what-” The two of you were interrupted by the professor being the lecture, but you quickly turned back to the boy at your side, now in a quieter voice you asked, “what were the names of the other bands? I’ll look them up.”

Tsukishima slowly listed them off again as you typed them into your phone, excited to see what this random guy in your lecture listened to.

Time passed slowly as you and Tsukishima put your attention back to the material at hand, but as the class came to the end and the two of you were packing up your things, your mind drifted to the coming weekend.

Yeah, you just met the guy, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. He seemed kinda nice after all, and he’d probably be into it.

“Hey Tsukishima,” you called to get his attention, “you ever been to a basement show?”

[artificialqueens]

The Biggest Con in History, Chapter One (Sashea) - Roza

summary: 1927 cannot possibly be more dreadful as the bolsheviks overtake the former imperial russia. despite this, citizens are uplifted on the rumour that the czar's daughter may still be alive. sasha, focused on finding a job during the oppression, finds herself in the whirlwind of a lifetime. [ anastasia au, based heavily on the broadway version of the classic film. ]

author's note: after heavy demand and interest in this I absolutely had to write, I hope I can finish it because I picture it so vividly in my head. I'm so glad I get to be eastern european as possible, it's been such an honour to get to do the same with jackie and the middle east so I feel full circle having fics now with both sides of my culture. I hope while this au is for good fun that you might learn some things about slavic history/culture! just me being soft, that's all. thank you to dear alex for being the best beta!

AO3 Link / My Tumblr: @leljaaa / ♡

— *.✧

"Тетя, do you have to go to Paris?"

Yekaterina sighed gently, her suitcase clamped shut as she turned her head towards the voice of the smaller blonde's voice.

"Alexandra, you can always come visit me, you're my niece!" The empress replied, a smile across her lips as she bent down towards her brother's daughter.

The younger girl seemed distraught at the idea of her aunt leaving for France, especially when the revolution had just ended in the empire.

It was 1907 and the royal family was struggling to stay in one piece though Alexandra certainly wouldn't know any better; she spent her days happily whisked away with siblings or at balls.

"It is still wonderful here," Yekaterina insisted though deep in her heart she knew that this revolution was directed towards the government.

This was only the beginning somewhat of a downfall; Yekaterina knew her brother, who had managed to become the czar of the empire, was struggling. The economy was in shambles and the people were using their voice to say something.

The balls went on: change didn't.

A lightbulb suddenly brightened within Yekaterina's head; she hummed softly as she skipped over to the cherry wood cabinet next to her bedside.

"I have a gift for you," she called out from the other side of the room as her fingertips reached into the top drawer, her hand pulling out a music box she had custom made by a merchant in Spain.

Alexandra tilted her head, the young princess completely amazed at the trinket. Her eyes widened, every little carving and detail absolutely stunning.

Every colour imaginable seemed to cover the exterior of the music box, images of roses and a man and woman dancing painted with bright oils and prized stones.

It was a sight to behold certainly.

"For me?" The small girl squeaked, "Спасибо за подарок!"

Yekaterina chuckled, gently handing it over to the blonde beside her. "No thanks needed, I got it made so you'll always have a piece of me, consider it my parting gift."

'Plus you're definitely not old enough to drink yet.' The empress reminded herself as she watched Alexandra completely focused on attempting to open the music box.

The little girl gasped in suspense, biting her bottom lip as she attempted to gently open the contraption.

Alexandra finally managed to shove her fingernails in to open it. The empress blinked, perhaps it wasn't in hindsight the smartest thing to give a girl who was only six years old.

The twenty year old smirked hearing the music begin, she saw the smile across her niece's face widen. She clearly was attempting to reminisce on what made the melody so familiar.

"It's our lullaby, you'll always have it with you now."

Alexandra teared up, her eyes watered as she tightly hugged her aunt, Yekaterina sighed heavily knowing that she had to escape this empire to somewhere a bit safer even if it meant compromising family whereabouts.

"I'll miss you," she mumbled against the fabric of her golden dress. The older woman kissed her forehead promising that one day they will unite in Paris and keep in contact.

"I'll miss you as well."

Eleven years had passed in the blink of an eye, the empress felt an overwhelming worry overtake her head as she heard of the Bolshevik overtake.

The royal family was beginning to decline in popularity and many blamed the family for every economic and social issue in the crumbling empire.

Yekaterina tapped her foot impatiently before hearing a loud knock upon her bedroom door in Paris.

"Come in," the thirty year old yelled as she took a final sip of her imported alcohol, she looked up to find Trinity, a countess who had been married to a member of the imperial court and escaped with her.

"Katya, I have some news," The brunette spoke grimly. Her hands clasping a handwritten letter, the blonde tilted her head, confused, noticing the brush strokes that bled through the paper.

The letter was clearly written in Cyrillic, it must have been from her motherland, from Russia. "Bring it here," Katya said urgently, praying that it was a message about her brother or her nieces and nephews.

Trinity walked quickly in her heels, the countess dropped the letter in Katya's lap. The confusion in her expression suddenly ceased.

Nothing but white overtook her face; her hands shook as she finished reading the message, her eyes closed rapidly as if it was impossible and simply a dream she could shut out and wake up from.

"No," the empress whispered before she dropped the paper at her bedside, her face suddenly red from the river of tears that rushed down the side of her cheeks.

The only thing that then filled the room were the deafening screams and sobs of the dowager empress. Trinity quickly crouched down as her servants came worriedly, asking what could possibly be the matter.

"Это сон…"

Trinity quickly picked up the paper from the ground, her eyes darted towards the message again; staring aimlessly at the brush strokes.

"Екатерина Петро́вна Замоло́дчикова,

каждый член семьи Замоло́дчикова был убит большевистскими лидерами.  

Они лежали мертвыми на Урале."

Trinity crumpled the paper, she didn't need to read it again and neither did Katya; Russian or English, it didn't matter. The sentiment still stood.

The entire Zamolodchikova royal family had been murdered; the dynasty had ended and was officially gone.

Murdered in cold blood, one right after the other. Katya sobbed, she'd never wanted so badly to hope that somehow, someway not everyone was gone.

Please, if I am a decent woman, please at least let one have survived.

— *.✧

1927.

"мои друзья нам нужно поговорить!"

Brianna felt herself bite her tongue as she stood above the average Russian citizens, her hands gripped the side of the wooden stand.

The Bolshevik general sighed heavily, knowing that this speech wasn't going the best. There was nothing but an overwhelming amount of anger happening in the streets, her army stood command in case anyone did something stupid.

It felt like an utter disaster.

My father wouldn't want this. All I inherited was trauma and chaos.

"I hear you comrades, the revolution hears you," she yelled as she raised her hands, the crowd beginning to silence as many reporters stood aside, recording every word on their paper pads.

"Together we will forge a new Russia and we'll be the envy of all the world," the girl began, her Star of David necklace tightened around her neck as she bit her tongue.

"The Czars St. Petersburg is now the people's Leningrad!"

The citizens listened or heard the speech: in person, in newspapers, it all seemed to spread throughout the entire country eventually. This revolution was being heard by all, and yet no action was being taken to help those in awful condition.

A country now in shambles economically and physically. All that remained were fragments of an old, thriving royal family and giant murals or posters with propaganda.

Shea rolled her eyes.

"They can call it whatever they want. Same name, new empty stomachs."

Times were somehow even worse.

Every day that dawned seemed to bring new sets of laws and rules that only tightened the eye around every citizen who lived within borders.

Police and members of the guard put in place at every corner, lines for basic rations of food and shotguns to the head if anyone complained of something, even the most miniscule detail.

The walls now had ears and those who would argue seemed to disappear in a wink, it was as if every basic right had been stripped away.

Leningrad was gloomy, the constant reminders of old, Imperial Russia stuck out like a sore thumb against the working class and their crowded, barely stable apartment buildings and factories.

In one corner, Yusupov Palace.

It's architecture was a glimmering masterpiece and piece of old Russian history. As the sun shined, the gold palace would sit and bask in glory, just across the Moika river.

Next to it, a dirty and rotten government -owned shop for daily rations of bread, beans or grains.

Hail our great new land.

Now it was a land of royalty and the colour red. New ideology had spread far and wide outside Russia, Shea felt her stomach shake finding out news from the stand next to the small market square.

St. Petersburg was completely run on the thrill of gossip; it got everybody through the new troubles of the empire.

Shea grinned upon hearing the old men and women bicker at the stand, pretending to read through magazines and books to not seem as suspicious to nearby guards.

"Although we know the Czar certainly didn't survive, along with most of the family, they say that one daughter may be still alive."

"Princess Alexandra!" A woman called out chipper though she was quickly shushed by all those next to her. Shea felt a plethora of ideas sneak into her head at the idea of a lost princess.

"They say the empress, her aunt Yekaterina will pay her entire royal sum if someone can find the lost princess," a brunette whispered excitedly to her group of friends.

Shea exited the store, the woman immediately spotting a figure running towards her.

"Shea!"

The voice was undeniable, the woman turned in her shoes, covering her shoulders with her wool jacket as she waved to Detox who almost crashed into her.

"They've closed another border!" She moaned in distress. Her long, pale blonde hair blew in the direction of the wind as she stood still and explained how they should have ran for the West while they still could.

"Detox, I've been thinking about Princess Alexandra."

"Oh not you falling for these tales as well," she spoke, disappointed as she explained that the chances of any Zamolodchikova family member making it out of execution were close to none.

"Trust me on this."

She supposed Detox was one to trust in this situation, she had been a count in the royal court, she knew the family like the back of her hand and had fled her own execution date just in time.

"Princess or not, we're stuck in Russia unless we make a move now."

Shea pondered, though her mind seemed overtaken at the thought of an entire royal sum in her hands; how would the old woman know it was Alexandra?

"I have an idea and you need to trust me on this."

Detox sighed, pushing her hair back as she adjusted her scarf, listening intently to whatever plan the conman had up her sleeves.

"We find a girl, a look-alike and take her to Paris," she began before the blonde's eyes grew wide and shined in the desolate Russian sunrise.

"Imagine the reward the empress would pay!"

"Exactly," Shea said as she shook her friend's shoulders, the two walking towards the end of the market square.

"We need something to use to fool the dowager empress," Shea mumbled under her breath as she and Detox walked through the busy and crowded streets of St. Petersburg or— Leningrad rather.

Shea stared at the music box for a few brief moments; her memories seemed to swirl into one as the words left her lips before she had even thought about the idea.

"How much is that music box?"

She noticed her fellow con man immediately whip her head towards the peasant seller who seemed intrigued by her interest in the detailed, rusty item.

He insisted that it was priceless and was nothing but the original from the Alexander Palace itself.

"I simply can't part with such an antique!"

Detox rolled her eyes, the ex-imperial court member quickly tightening the grip of her brown fur coat as she attempted to pull along her friend.

Shea felt a smirk build across her lips as she let go of the blonde's grip around her wrist. "I'll give you an entire ration of grains, two days worth."

"Done."

They walked out before the man could even speak of a trade back, Shea ran in front of her friend, another devilish smirk across her lips. They had their plot, all they needed was a woman to be their princess and beautiful replacement.

"Do you believe in fairytales Detox?"

The blonde shook her head, "Maybe once upon a time I did, but certainly not now. Don't even know if it's allowed," she teased, though Shea chuckled holding the music box up, proud of their prize.

"We're going to create a fairytale that the entire world is going to believe, even the girl we find to play the part!"

As their feet trailed across the heavy path of snow, they spoke about a possible audition process, though Detox insisted that would get them into far too much trouble.

"We'll do it across the river, opposite of the current camp and at the abandoned theatre," Shea explained calmly as Detox frowned.

She knew it was a decent idea however that certainly wouldn't stop people from finding out somehow .

"It's a risky idea, are you sure that this is a good idea for the both of us? Money wouldn't buy our dead bodies back."

Shea nodded quickly, nothing could possibly sway the young woman's opinion on the matter.

"Hopefully disaster won't ensue."

"It'll all go smoothly, no worries, just large bags of money from the empress herself," Shea reminded as Detox finally began to accept the dangerous plan.

"We'll be rich and out of Russia, what more could you possibly want?"

"Nothing," Detox replied as she held an arm around the younger woman's shoulder. Shea cheered, insisting that they begin to look throughout St. Petersburg for their princess.

Alive or dead, who knows.

— *.✧

Sasha ran her hands through her hair, licking her fingertip as she began to tighten the braids that made up the front row of her head.

"One job interview, this is the only chance you get Sasha," the blonde repeated to herself aloud as she made her way through the heavy and cold Eastern European weather.

The orphan looked down at her brittle skin, she didn't remember a single thing about her life since she had been found by members and staff of the orphanage and taken in.

Amnesia was what the staff at the center had told her, they found it impossible that a girl couldn't remember a single thing about herself.

Her mind a cloud: no one had claimed her in the twenty years she had stayed however she refused to believe that there wasn't at least someone out there waiting for her.

Everything felt like a lost cause in her life except the dreams she had of her lost family, she could hear singing or laughter when she slept or dreamt sometimes.

All of these things seemed to only confuse her further—she wished for a sign .

The only semblance of a clue she had was Paris; it was always in her dreams, her spirit, everything she had worked for seemed to be for this one destination.

I have to have family somewhere, is it in Paris? It certainly can't be in Russia.

Sasha had managed to book herself an interview for a job down at the local market, it was to help with selling fish; not the most attractive offer but it was still money.

It was far better than the hospital in Odessa or the factory in Perm.

The twenty six year old held her hands together, her nerves beginning to rise as she passed what she knew to be Bolshevik territory.

Her eyes glanced over to the trucks that lined up across the camp and small buildings.

She wasn't technically trespassing, it was public access however she couldn't help but feel watched.

A shot rang out and the blonde screamed, immediately she fell into the snow, raising her hands to show that she meant no harm.

"It was a truck backfiring," a voice spoke clearly as the footsteps quickened towards Sasha.

The blonde was far too horrified to look before she felt a gentle tap at her shoulder, she turned and opened her eyes as she crouched on the snow.

The face of Brianna, the general of the party smiled. Sasha felt her heart race, not in a good way. "I am so sorry," she quickly began before the brunette asked her to breathe.

"It is okay, it was simply a test. Those days of neighbors fighting are over."

The Russian nodded even if her entire body seemed to vibrate. The thought of being near the general especially scared her.

"You're shaking," Brianna said aloud before taking her hand and offering to show her to a local tea shop just steps away from the building's base.

Sasha shook her head. "Thank you but no."

"What's the hurry?"

The question seemed innocent enough, though the blonde never knew how they may use it against her or twist her words.

"I cannot lose this job, I'm sorry, they're certainly not easy to come by."

Brianna nodded, it was a respectful response, though the image of this stranger, this woman, felt engraved inside of her memory.

Her soft, curly, shoulder length blonde hair and her rubbish clothing; she looked quite put together for someone who clearly had less than nothing to her name.

"I'm here everyday," she finally replied as Sasha gave a slight smile, immediately beginning to walk away and pace her own steps faster and faster towards the Market.

The intervention left the woman in shambles, her nerves clearly felt by those around her.

She couldn't bear the life of an orphan who worked at a market. This couldn't possibly be her narrative for the rest of her life.

Being near so many people seemed like a positive even if her anxiety began to trickle down, all of her thoughts focused on if she should even take the job or not.

She spent an unsuccessful hour at the common square, still looking for that tent before seeing the corner of books and magazines - her attention immediately caught by the drawing of Paris that hung on the wall.

Sasha looked at the various books, though she knew she couldn't afford them, and eventually began to listen in on the daily gossip.

The environment met with whispers by older grandmothers who spoke about a woman named Shea who was apparently holding tickets to Paris.

"They're holding auditions, you know, to try and find the princess. They'll even do all the papers to get out of Russia."

Paris?

"Where can I find this woman?" The blonde suddenly asked.

She knew it was not her business to intrude on conversation so rudely, but this seemed like the one chance she had.

It was certainly better than working with dead animals.

They turned, amused that the young lady had taken such a sudden want and interest in the idea.

One of the grandmothers mentioned something about a nearby Palace, and Sasha quickly ran off and thanked the gaggle of women that surrounded her.

Sasha had never felt herself run so fast, a twist of fate and she was now bustling back into the piles of snow for a small pinch of hope that this girl could help her out.

This is my chance, my chance to find my family.

[taeyungie]

hello!! i love your blog so much ♡ i was wondering if you have any tips on starting a new tumblr blog on bts! i haven't started making gifs yet but i hope i'll get around to that soon!! everyone seems so big and scary 😭😭 i come from a lit blog so i have no idea what im doing lmao 🙂 anyway thank you so much ily!!

hi! omg thank you soooo much, i'm really flattered that you like my blog!! 🥺❤️ i'm sending you all the kisses!!

yes of course! first of all thank you so much for trusting me with this, I'll try my best to help you out. please don't feel scared or discouraged, most of people you'll come across here is really kind and sweet! everyone, even more popular blogs started from zero. i'd recommend you to apply to networks first, you can almost always find some of them at content creators blogs because all networks require to have their blogs to be linked somewhere if you're a member, also most of them don't require from you to make any content, so don't worry if you're not making anything yet! but of course the best way to put your blog out there is to make content, when you'll start making gifs remember to tag networks on your creations so they can reblog it further and also to use relevant tags, esp 5 first tags make people start tracking you stuff because it will show in the search pad (i.e group name, member name etc). i highlighted 'relevant' because it's sometimes weird seeing when tags are unrelated to the work and it might seem off for people, so please remeber about it! I met a lot of people because of joining groupchats that those networks offer or used to offer, i'm not sure if they still do it 🤧 but if not, I'm sure you'll stumble upon different groupchats along the way. I was really chatty and open when I started my first blog so it was easy to find mutuals, i blended in with all other people really fast because i adapted pretty quickly. but if you're not that comfortable talking, you don't have to, at least at the beginning, interacting with other people/their stuff and getting your content reblogged by networks will be just enough. You just gotta make your blog look approachable, pretty and taken care of 😊 it's actually easy but you have to give yourslef time, don't be scared!! all of it is just pure fun. you'll get there, just concentrate on yourslef and making your content, in a blink of an eye you'll be happy with your mutuals you're interacting with and all the worry/anxiety regarding followers and your content goes away. but if you find yourslef in a situation where your anxiety won't let you be happy here, you can always come back to me and I'll try to help you and maybe share some tips about what helped to ease my own ❤️ but first, give it some time! it'll all come to you

[cindylouwho-2]

RECENT NEWS, RESOURCES & STUDIES, May 2, 2021

Welcome to my latest summary of recent ecommerce news, resources & studies including search, analytics, content marketing, social media & Etsy. If you are interested in Etsy news, please read my top story below, as there seem to be a lot of changes afoot. (There is also a section general Etsy news below that.)

If you have any questions or news you would like me to cover, please drop me a line here on Tumblr, reply to this post, email me, or contact me on Twitter.

TOP NEWS & ARTICLES

Something is brewing at Etsy: as of April 26, people in almost all non-Etsy Payments countries “temporarily” cannot open new shops. They hid this development in a Help file, but someone reported it to Ecommerce Bytes, which garnered more attention. Why does this matter? Currently, Etsy Payments (EP) is only available in 44 countries; i.e., most of the world cannot currently open a new shop on Etsy. [Updated May 3 2021] Apparently the only exception is India; see the screenshot below, which someone kindly sent me:

(please click to see it in more detail, or check it out on Twitter)

There was no warning, and no published end date, even though they say it is temporary. Of course, they say it is to protect buyers, but they said that when they removed standalone PayPal too, and we know that was just about making more money. It’s possible they are adding new payment companies to the backend which will be able to operate in most of these countries, greatly expanding their take from EP. The first quarter report is scheduled for May 5, and that is often the time they announce new or expanded income streams. Expect to learn more sometime around then. In the meantime, watch for payment glitches.

It is also possible that the above situation is related to the glut of bad press Etsy has garnered recently. They released a blog post on April 29th, explaining how they plan on spending $40 million extra this year on marketplace enforcement. Turns out, they were just trying to get out in front of an April 30th report from Business Insider [paywall], which describes 800 policy violations in listings on the site. You can get the details in articles from Engadget and Gizmodo. This might get more traction, as both Insider and Gizmodo noted it is very easy to find more prohibited and even illegal items on Etsy.

“After Etsy deleted the listings the outlet identified, Insider reports that it was still able to find several others for ivory products, brass knuckles, mandrake roots, tools for using cannabis concentrates, mass-produced products, and other banned items. We poked around Etsy’s marketplace as well, and within a few minutes found a bunch of prohibited products, including a vintage ivory bracelet put up for sale as recently as March, several weapons that are plainly marketed as such, and a shop with more than 1,000 reviews selling all manner of spells for attracting love, wealth, and what have you.” [from Gizmodo]

Note that Etsy has also changed the wording of its Prohibited Items policy to include new definitions for counterfeit items. See discussion on this Reddit thread. Etsy is also still getting negative attention for allowing fake COVID-19 vaccine cards to be posted for sale. Vice has the most recent article, and Forbes has an overview of this hot new scam area.

So, is all of this linked, and if yes, what does it mean? Etsy hasn't cared about enforcing its listing policies for many years, as long as the media doesn't notice. Heck, you can still buy gift boxes of manufactured candy in thousands of shops, which is expressly prohibited, yet reporting never removes them. Is the media finally noticing enough to make a difference, or is Etsy really embarking on a huge cleanup that includes (at least temporarily) banning people from most countries from opening new shops? We will likely learn more this month, and perhaps even this week.

ETSY NEWS

Etsy says that shoppers are searching for “eco-friendly” items more often this year, and released a trend report on the topic. Insights include “42% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for reusable cotton menstrual pads...100% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for reusable straws...76% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for food covers...54% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for reclaimed wood shelves...176% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for environmentally friendly candles...712% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for eco-friendly tissue paper...285% YoY increase in searches on Etsy for vintage hoodies.” Definitely read the report if you want to know everything that people are looking for.

They also did a UK-based article on trends in outdoor items. Search tips of note: “2,644% YoY increase in UK searches on Etsy for patio furniture...Over 1,000% YoY increase in UK searches on Etsy for spring wreaths...1,266% YoY increase in UK searches on Etsy for garden lights or lanterns” It is hard to say how much these trends can be extrapolated to other countries, as the UK appears to have embraced online shopping much more during the pandemic than some other countries (see story below).

The latest Etsy Success podcast [transcript with podcast links] covers their buyer research, as well as a few questions from sellers. Not much here, except for the fact that they do expect wedding sales to pick up.

Reverb had a really large data breach, exposing the personal information of over 5 million customers.

As mentioned above, Etsy’s first quarter financial results for 2021 will be out on May 5th.

Apparently, Etsy is testing videos in search; here is a forum thread on the topic.

SEO: GOOGLE & OTHER SEARCH ENGINES

Here is an intermediate/semi-advanced article on ecommerce websites and common SEO issues. If you don’t do any of your own coding and don’t have much control over site design and indexing, skip the first 3 points.

Link building: what is a high-quality link? (you know, the type we are always told we need.) Moz’s Whiteboard Friday covers the basics. [video & transcript]

If you are new to blogging or writing instructional articles for your website, this template for writing for both readers and for Google SEO should be very useful.

Google introduced an algorithm update for product reviews starting April 8th. If you review other products on your website or blog, you will want to get the details here and here.

The Google page experience algorithm update has been delayed; it is now going to start in June and be completed by the end of August. That and more is covered in the Google Search News video for April. [YouTube video with highlights and links in the comments]

Yes, you can use SEO to get more attention to your podcasts. Here’s a detailed how-to.

Focussing on YouTube? Here are some tools for YouTube SEO. (Some are free or have free versions.)

There are probably as many Google SEO myths as there are Google algorithm factors, but Google saying something isn’t true isn’t always proof it is a myth. With that in mind, please enjoy this summary of 15 Google ranking factor myths (some of which are in dispute).

[semi-advanced content] The current state of long tail SEO has changed due to both searcher behaviour and Google, and that has led to both more and less opportunity. [Google redirecting results to what it thinks the searcher really wanted, even when the exact words aren’t on the page that they rank first, reminds me of what is happening with Etsy search lately.]

(CONTENT) MARKETING & SOCIAL MEDIA (includes blogging & emails)

Facebook still has the most traffic in the US, compared to all other social networks, but YouTube is even more popular. YouTube and Reddit are the only established major platforms with significant growth since 2019. You can read more details from the actual study here.

Instagram is working on new ways for creators to make money on the platform, not just those with business accounts.

HubSpot put together a summary of how the algorithms work on Facebook, Twitter, And Instagram.

Reddit appears to be testing a group voice chat feature, which would compete with Clubhouse.

TikTok isn’t just for young people; parents and grandparents are now on the platform too.

Twitter’s timeline algorithm (active if you are seeing “Top Tweets” on your feed) tends to ignore a lot of external links, and more than half of the posts can be “suggestions” from people you don’t follow. I’ve noticed lately that Twitter rarely makes suggestions in my chronological timeline anymore, except when I don’t have any activity for over 24 hours.

Twitter obeyed an order from the government of India and removed several dozen tweets which criticized the government’s COVID-19 response. The tweets in question can still be seen outside of India, however.

ONLINE ADVERTISING (SEARCH ENGINES, SOCIAL MEDIA, & OTHERS)

Understanding the definition of “return on ad spend” (ROAS) is the first step to making sure your ROAS is good for your business. “in general, a ROAS of 4:1 ($4 in revenue for every $1 spent) or higher usually suggests a successful campaign. But keep in mind that this is just a benchmark, not something to swear by. Some businesses need a ROAS of 10:1 to stay profitable, while others can do well with just 3:1...A large profit margin means you can continue the campaign with a low ROAS, whereas smaller margins demand a relatively higher ROAS and low advertising costs to maintain profitability. ROAS can also vary by platform. For instance, the average ROAS for Google Ads is 2:1.”

10% of money spent on US online ads last year went to Amazon, but they are still well behind Google. Meanwhile, Facebook’s ad revenue was up 46% in the first quarter of 2021, Google’s was up 32% & Bing's increased by 17%.

eBay launched the ability to automate their Promoted Listings.

ECOMMERCE NEWS, IDEAS, TRENDS

Payment processor Stripe purchased TaxJar, with a plan to integrate it into Stripe. This would provide new options for calculating & filing US taxes to Stripe customers. TaxJar will also have a standalone version for the moment. While TaxJar does do US taxes for business from many countries, it has almost nothing available regarding non-US taxes at this time. (Someone needs to do this for other taxes including UK VAT registration, since they don’t have a minimum threshold for micro businesses, and are no longer in the EU, so won’t be included in the new VAT collection rules come July 1. How many sole proprietors want to be registering for & remitting all of these countries by ourselves?)

In related news, Florida has joined most other US states in requiring online businesses to collect state sales tax even if they have no base in Florida. Missouri is now the only state with sales tax but without such a law, and they are working on it.

eBay has rolled out its new coupon code tool. Also, they released lower than expected projections for the current quarter, which has disappointed the analysts.

Meanwhile, Amazon hugely beat its first quarter expectations, and projects the growth will continue. Prime Day will be in June instead of July this year; date to come.

Also, Amazon is letting its larger brands email customers directly, which was previously not allowed. Customers do have to follow the brand to receive these messages.

Mailchimp will soon be offering ecommerce stores, including a free option that has a 2% transaction fee, or more advanced versions with lower transaction fees for $10 and $29 a month respectively. US and UK customers will be able to start a store as of May 18th.

Shopify probably doesn’t feel that threatened by the new competition, as their first quarter revenue was up more than 100% over the previous year. Note it is estimated they got 8.6% of US ecommerce revenue in the quarter, while some believe that eBay, Apple and Amazon lost market share.

BUSINESS & CONSUMER STUDIES, STATS & REPORTS; SOCIOLOGY & PSYCHOLOGY, CUSTOMER SERVICE

Mastercard says that people worldwide spent $900 billion more online last year compared to 2019. They expect the ecommerce trend of grocery shopping and bargain hunting to continue more than other retail areas.

Regions that had stricter lockdowns during the pandemic may have had a greater increase in ecommerce activity; this report compares the US and the UK.

Generation Z is likely to stop shopping with you if your site has issues. “Seventy-one percent of respondents want the experience to be personalized, and 76% said their favorite brands should reward them for their business, the survey found.”

MISCELLANEOUS

Brave browser has disabled FLoC, Google’s new tracking that is supposed to replace cookies in the next year. They explain why here. If you like Chrome but don’t want FLoC, try DuckDuckGo’s FLoC blocking Chrome extension.

[itsomgitsgreenblogging]

Labor of Love Chapter 6 (END): A Critical Role Fanfic

And so we come to the end! This chapter is a bit shorter, most due to being a wrap up chapter and a proper ending. And we're getting Critical Role tomorrow!!!!! It's an exciting time for everyone really. I would just like to say, thank you to every single person who reviewed and supported this fic. Just know that I love you all, and hope that your next bite of dessert is as sweet as how you've all been to me and I'm happy to have been a source of something light and cute in a strange time. <3

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Preview:

It was the morning of the ceremony, and Essek was stressed. Of course there wasn’t much in the world that was more stressful then having an event with Leylas Kryn herself. She demanded as close to perfection that every person could understandably achieve and then some, that was just her style. Essek respected that of course, she was still the most powerful woman in Xhorhas for that very reason. But it didn’t make any of this very enjoyable. In fact, Essek was counting down the minutes until it would be socially acceptable to throw back at least two shots of something hard that burned all the way to his belly. 

And also when he might steal a kiss from a certain Zemnian wizard, but that was neither here nor there. 

“Who do I need to kill?” Nedna demanded hotly as she grabbed at her phone and tapped at her screen impatiently as if that would make whatever message she was hoping to come through come faster. “The flowers were supposed to be delivered a half-an-hour ago for the wedding party.” 

“Oh please,” Essek scoffed as he tapped on the screen of his tome-pad and showed her the delivery app from his account. On the screen it showed the location of the delivery just one street over from the venue itself, before he minimized it. “As if you have the stomach for murder. Leave that up to the professionals.” 

Nedna scoffed but seemed content to pout and not whine. Essek was thankful, because he hated when people whined at him. It was part of the reason why he was so good at solving problems. Essek sighed as his shoe tapped a rhythm, the only one that he could think of at the moment was Sweet Caroline, which made Essek think of Caleb and the Mighty Nein and he knew he couldn’t have been thinking about them but- 

“What are you nervous about?” Nedna asked breaking his concentration and causing him to lose the beat.

“What do you mean?” Essek asked, incredulously. 

“You’re fidgeting,” Nedna pointed out. “You don’t fidget. You don’t get nervous.” 

 “Contrary to popular belief, I do have emotions,” Essek said with a roll of his eyes as he checked his phone for what must have been the thousandth time that day, discreetly he hoped. “In fact, I’m waiting to hear from my date.” 

“Your date?” Nedna asked, eyebrows raised and jaw slack with surprise. 

“Am I not allowed to have one?” Essek inquired haughtily, turning up his nose at her like the blue-blood he was. 

“You didn’t add anyone to the list,” Nedna said, now sitting up at attention. Essek could see her calculating it out in her head and coming up with the wrong answers, so he figured it would be prudent to nip this in the bud before she could go blather on to the Kryns...or Luxon forbid his mother.  

“I don’t need to add someone to the list if they are already on the list, correct?” Essek scoffed impatiently. “Or did I need to put an asterisk and highlight it in red to signify the importance to my love life?” 

“Do you always have to be patronizing?” 

“When people ask me stupid questions? Yes, I do.” 

“Luxon help whoever is in a relationship with you,” Nedna said with a snort. 

“Well, it certainly helps that I actually enjoy their company and they enjoy mine. That’s the way functional relationships work, you ought to try it sometime,” Essek said as finally he got a message from Jester. It read, after a disgusting amount of emojis, that they had finished the cake and were in the process of getting it ready for transport. It would be at the reception on time. Essek could help the sigh of relief that escaped from the gridlock of his teeth. 

“Ha ha, funny,” Nedna said irritated, bringing him unceremoniously back to reality. Essek was about to open his mouth and tell Nedna where she could put her attitude and her cheap looking pumps that she probably wasted a fortune on, when the door opened. Waccoh looked in and gave them both a pinched look of annoyance. 

“It’s time,” a junior assistant said, “Leylas said she needs you two.”  

Essek immediately stood up and dawned his coat once again. In the mirror he quickly checked his tie and was out the door with Nedna on his heels. They got to the room where Leylas was sitting with her bridal party. She was dressed in her wedding finery. The bodice of the extravagant gown was designed to catch the light and glitter as if plated by the stars themselves before draping into beautiful gauzy layers that shimmered as she stood. She wore a beautiful crown encrusted with crystals and designed in geometric shapes that were reminiscent of shards of glass or frosted ice, as her designer fixed the veil. 

“Quana asked for it,” Leylas said, looking a bit thoughtful as her fingers slid along the material of the veil. “I told her that I was much too old for it...but I suppose she was feeling nostalgic.” 

“You look beautiful,” Essek said simply, finding enough breath in his lungs to give her a coherent answer. Leylas was beautiful the way nature was beautiful, totally overwhelming in its majesty and power. Even someone like him could only hope to appreciate it. 

“Thank you,” Leylas said. “Tell me, is everything on time?” 

“The guests are being directed to their proper seats in the cathedral as we speak,” Nedna said, opening up her tome-pad and showing Leylas the livestream of the event. “I was told Quana’s party arrived and are now waiting in the upper floors for the signals. I finally got confirmation that the flowers have arrived and Quana’s party has received them. They will be given to you all before your appearance.” 

“Perfect, and the reception preparations?” 

“All a go, the cake will be delivered, the band is already there and is doing warm ups, and the corrections to the decorations you wished for have been taken care of,” Essek reported. 

“Good, then there is no need to delay,” she said looking to the bridal party gathered in the room. Her makeup artist and designer joined Essek and Nedna as her bridal party exited the room following Leylas like she was the sun and the rest of them were the planets in her orbit. 

“I can’t believe you always work with her,” her designer said, looking slightly faint. Essek realized he was looking at him and Nedna as he made that statement. He was a well dressed half-orc, an up and coming designer who had won Leylas’ attention with his design proposal. Essek could understand why this was intimidating for him, after all, his life was probably going to change after today. He was going to become a household name in Xhorhas. “She’s so intimidating.”

“She has high standards,” Essek said with a shrug. “There is no problem unless you meet them. In that way, she is a very fair boss.” 

“Essek’s the only person in the history of the entire world who has never let down the Kryns,” the makeup artist said with a shrug. “And I can say that because I’ve been doing Leylas’ makeup for the past five years and I know that for a fact.” 

“It’s because I also have extremely high standards for myself,” Essek said, motioning them to follow. “I’m very rarely satisfied with things as they are. That’s what it takes to work for the Kryns.” 

“And also the lack of a social life,” Nedna said. 

“I have more of a social life then you thought I did even an hour ago. That’s another thing, never be too boring. Leylas likes people that surprise her...in the good subtle way. She doesn’t like real surprises, she’s very particular about that,” Essek said as they waited for the Kryn party to get into their limousine. Their own car was pulling up after, and Essek opened the door and allowed the others to get in first. “Has anyone heard from Waccoh about the broadcast by the way? Is that working according to plan? It won’t glitch out or anything right?”

“As far as we can tell,” Nedna said. 

“Good, then there’s nothing to do but stay the course,” Essek said, catching a glimpse of his cellphone.

Good luck with everything today, I’m thinking about you. 

Essek smiled, even just imagining Caleb’s voice could do that to him. That was a simply marvelous thing. 

Same to you. Essek responded before slipping his phone in his pocket and preparing for the battle ahead. 

________________

The ceremony hall was dark, except for the lights that showed around the altar and illuminated the clerics of the Luxon and the royal couple. Essek watched, with breath caught in his lungs at the wonder of it all. As Quana pressed a kiss to Leylas’ lips with the promise of forever dancing over her tongue, Essek wondered what that might be like…wondered at what the taste of their love was like. Even after all this time, was it still the same? 

Based on the way Leylas’ tears shimmered, Essek thought it just might be the case.  

________________

The reception was being held at the Lucid Bastion itself, the castle where the nobility once lived. It was a grand affair, and as such everything was washed with the white and silver of the wedding colors. Guests were handed their goodie bags upon arrival and milled about at the cocktail bars as wait staff in crisp white shirts handed them drinks named ridiculous things like White Blossom, or Mint Twilights. Essek confirmed with the staff that everything was going smoothly, and spoke to a few guests to assure their time was going well before he went to mind other equally important business. 

Essek moved into the reception area, and that was when he saw the cake in full glory. It was of course different then Essek had seen since it before. It was six hexagonal tiers tall, with each tier having a separate intricate design. Flowers fell in cascading tiers of frothy, silk organza ruffled and powdery with delicate blooms. Smattering of embellishments and the catching of edible crystal shards in hidden spots, delicate marzipan birds, and other gems that left something for the eye to catch at every sweep of it’s magnificent form. This all followed the brush of silver that perfectly drew the gaze to each new pleasure accordingly. At the top was the sculpture of both Leylas and Quana looking much and love and very weirdly adorable in their tiny form courtesy of Jester Lavorre.  

“Essek,” Caleb called with a small wave, and Essek tore his eyes away to see him. They were all dressed in tan slacks and white chef’s shirts with the Xhorhaus emblem on the side. It was a good choice for the formal affair, and the light colors really brought out the color of Caleb’s blue eyes. 

“Oh Caleb, it’s beautiful,” Essek told him somewhat breathlessly as Caleb crossed the room. 

“Just wait until they dim the lights for the first dance,” Caleb said proudly. “That’s when the really fun bits start.” 

“Are you talking about funny bits with Essek,” Jester asked as she settled down a tray of desserts for the dessert spread. There were slices of pies with jewel-colored fruit fillings, cookies and macarons in pastels, jellies and puddings and parfaits in glasses, their famous cupcakes with their swirls and sprinkles and glammed up with shimmer-dust. Yasha was placing decorative flowers and vases that had been handed off to her artfully between the display of treats in the most delicate and thoughtful fashion. By each dessert platter there was a little holder of cards, embellished with Xhorhaus Bakery very professionally upon the laminate that Veth was triple checking and double checking before seeming satisfied. 

Essek picked up one of the cards, and smiled. 

“We got those done last week,” Beauregard said as she wheeled out another tray with more desserts. 

“Good for you all,” Essek told them, very pleased as he slid one of the cards into his wallet. Who knew when he was going to need to give it out. “I am so very happy for you, truly.” 

“Do you think the boss will like it?” Fjord asked nervously as Caduceus placed a hand on his shoulder. Essek could understand the nerves, after all the camera crews and the guests would be coming in soon enough. If Essek had learned anything about life from working where he did, it was that any event with Leylas Kryn was bound to be overwhelming in more ways than one. 

“I can say from knowing Leylas Kryn as well as I do, that she’ll be extremely pleased,” Essek promised them all. “This is exactly what she asked for and far more, you have all completely outdone yourselves.”

“Thank you so much, for the opportunity,” Caleb said, reaching to clasp Essek’s hand. 

“No thanks required, you have already done more than enough,” Essek promised them all. Essek was about to say more when Nedna came over, holding her tome-pad. 

“The guests are set to arrive in ten minutes, after which there will be the dinner. At the end of the dinner you will be signalled to begin serving the desserts,” Nedna said without lifting her gaze to even look at them. Essek couldn’t help but bristle. He really couldn’t believe her rudeness...but at the same time he also couldn’t blame her. He would like to think he would always look into the eyes of those who were working with him, that was part of the reason he was successful. Essek did wonder if there had ever been a moment where he had been so nonchalant and found himself glad to be changed even in such a small insignificant way. “As requested the lights will be dimmed as you do so to help emphasize the enchantments on the cake and-oh! Here’s the photographer.” 

Nedna motioned over the photographer who had an expensive looking camera hanging by his neck. 

“I’d like to get a few shots of the cake as well as all of you before everyone comes in,” the photographer said, holding up his camera. 

“Of course,” Caleb said. “Would you like us to be out of the picture at first?” 

The photographer took a few shots of the cake from different angles. Jester did her best to both art direct and distract to Essek’s enjoyment and Nedna’s chagrin. After that, the photographer showed Nedna the photos as well as the Mighty Nein and Essek. Though Essek was sure that a photo couldn’t really capture the beauty of the cake, it was a well composed shot. With Essek’s final nod, the photographer gave a sigh of relief. They all knew this all would, of course, be shown to Leylas before it made it anywhere near the press release. But Essek had always had a good eye for what his employer would like. 

“It looks good,” the photographer said before looking back at the Mighty Nein. “If you guys would like, you should get into the next picture. We can figure out a caption and include it in the media press release as well.” 

“You have to make sure to get my good side,” Veth said, striking a pose, causing Beauregard to give her a playful push. 

“I’m fairly certain that’s his job,” Fjord pointed out with a fond exasperated shake of his head. “Where would you like us?” 

The photographer arranged them so that Yasha, Beauregard, Jester, and Caleb were on one side while Nott, Fjord, and Caduceus were on the other. They were about to take the picture when Jester began waving at Essek. As he was in the midst of this, Essek could see a few of the early arrivals filtering into the room. 

“Come on, Essek! Join us!” Jester said, moving over to the other side and wildly gesticulating at the place where she had been next to Caleb. 

“I’m not sure that’s appropriate,” Essek began to say as Jester placed her hands on her hips and gave him a chiding look. 

“Oh come on, Essek! You helped us so much with the cake!” Jester said. 

“You are one of the team,” Beauregard said with a smile and a shrug. 

“You are basically part of the Mighty Nein just through association,” Veth said. 

“You helped them with the cake?” Nedna asked with a scoff and with a smirk. “You? What? Was it running late?” 

“Yes, I helped my boyfriend with the cake his business made,” Essek snapped at Nedna as he marched himself over to where the Mighty Nein was standing in front of the cake and took his place besides Caleb. “Bite me, Nedna.” 

Nedna couldn’t have looked more shocked then if Essek had slapped her right in her face. Essek took serious enjoyment from watching her gap like a fish as he stood proudly next to Caleb, who placed his arm around his shoulders and smiled brilliantly at him. The photographer took a few pictures, before calling Essek forward. Essek looked at the picture appraisingly. Everyone in the Mighty Nein was looking proud, though, they would have to pick a picture where Caleb wasn’t looking at him. Though it was sweet, he didn’t think that Leylas would particularly want that picture in her press release. 

“Very good,” Essek said. “You’ll want to send either the fourth or the fifth picture to Leylas. Could I give you my details to send the first picture to me? I would love to have it. I’ll be happy to pay for the picture as well.” 

“Of course, I would be happy-” 

“Essek.” 

Essek took a deep breath, channeling the void and smiling his greatest work-mode-activated smile as he turned to face his mother and his very apologetic looking brother who looked like this train wreck was the absolute last thing that he wanted to be dealing with at this exact moment. His mother, dressed in a chic black dress with stilettos that probably could kill a man, tapped out an impatient rhythm as Essek stood before her...as if he were wasting her time merely by existing. Nedna was looking excited to witness the epic scolding that Essek was probably in store for. 

“Hello, Mother,” Essek said with his sweetest and most obliging smile. “How are you enjoying the Vow Renewal so far?”

“I see there is someone you haven’t introduced me to yet? Hm?” Deirta said, her voice eerily calm...the way stepping on a lake two degrees from splintering and sending you down to the depths where you would probably become an Essek-popsicle. 

“Ah! Deirta, there you are!” A voice suddenly cut the tension like a knife. It was Quana, dressed in her gorgeous white suit that had both Beauregard and Yasha choking at the sight. Even as someone who didn’t find women attractive beyond just aesthetics, Quana really packed a punch that had even Essek momentarily questioning himself (though the desire to actually see Quana naked was nonexistent). Deirta, unable to refuse the hug from Quana was helpless but to accept it and the friendly joyful kiss on the cheek. “I haven’t seen you yet all day, how did you like the Vow Renewal Ceremony?”

“Of course it was beautiful, just to be expected but-”

“And Essek, absolutely wonderful job with everything. Really Deirta, you ought to be so proud of your son. He is just a shining example of what the Xhorhassian Institute is capable of,” Quana said with a knowing glint to her eyes. “And Caleb, it's so wonderful to see you again. The cake looks absolutely stunning, I know I speak for both me and my wife when I say I can’t wait for the grand finale. Really Essek, your boyfriend is so talented! You’ll absolutely be the talk of Rosohna with this. In fact, I’ve already heard the ambassador to Marquet’s wife asking about a cake!”

“Ah, ja, thank you so much Mrs. Kryn. I can’t explain how much that means to us,” Caleb said, putting an arm around Essek’s waist. Essek tried to act natural and not like he was two breaths away from passing out from the prolonged exposure to Caleb’s body. “And yes, I did speak to the ambassador’s wife. I am glad she has expressed such interest, and I would be happy to speak to her.” 

“You know, Deirta, she’s the one planning on helping out with the trade deal. She’ll be beyond herself with joy to know that he’s Essek’s boyfriend, especially if that means she gets ahead in the lines of people already lined up.”  

“Oh, really?” Deirta asked, sounding absolutely tickled pink by this new and very profitable connection that she had suddenly made. “Do you think you would be able to introduce me?” 

“Oh it would be my pleasure,” Quana said, holding out her arm to Deirta who took it. “Just don’t tell my wife, she may get jealous.” 

“Oh you two never change,” Deirta said with a joking swat before looking over at Essek and Caleb. “It was lovely to meet you Caleb. We’ll have to do family brunch some time, when things settle down a bit.” 

“Of course,” Caleb said with a very understanding nod, and like that Deirta flounced off to terrorize someone else, Nedna skulked off having not been given the show she clearly had scripted in her own head. This left Verin behind with them. He had watched all of this unfold before him quietly, but just as Essek began to worry about his reaction he gave Essek a weak smile as he approached them. 

“Sorry,” Verin said, sounding like he was apologizing for more than just this interaction. “Though...it will be nice for mother to worry herself about another relationship...besides mine of course.” 

“Oh please she won’t be worried about my relationship, we both know which one of us has the better judgement,” Essek said, smiling up at Caleb and meeting his loving gaze. “Don’t be jealous.” 

“You are a brave man, Mr. Widogast,” Verin said with a roll of his side. “If I had to take Essek’s shit on a regular basis, I would have flung myself out of the nearest window years ago.” 

“I am a very lucky man,” Caleb said, pressing a kiss to Essek’s temple that had Essek smiling like a dopey love sick fool. Essek shook out of it and gave his chest an appreciative pat. “It is nice to meet you though.”

“Likewise. We’ll have to talk some other time, when things aren’t so busy.” 

“Thank you, Verin,” Essek told him honestly, reaching and grabbing his arm and looking him in the eye. Verin was momentarily startled, clearly, since Essek couldn’t recall a moment when he had initiated contact like this with his brother. “Really.” 

“Hey now, don’t get sappy on me,” Verin told him, reaching out, giving Essek a short but heartfelt hug, before pulling away and smiling at him. “We’re Theylss kids, it’s what we do. Besides, we still need to survive the evening.” 

With a final parting wave, he made his way to the table where he was assigned and joined his girlfriend. Essek watched him go, and made sure to make a mental note to buy him something nice for his birthday for a change. He didn’t think that a card and a check was going to cut it this year, all things considered. 

“You guys are official!” Veth screeched, rushing them and sounding breathless. “When? How? What?”

“Congratulations,” Caduceus said, smiling a wide and warm smile. 

“Oh it was super obvious that they were,” Jester said waving at Veth. “It’s not like we didn’t see them smooching the other day.” 

“Smooching is one thing, being together is another!” Veth argued. Essek attempted to grapple with that new information. It had to have been when Essek had dropped Caleb off after that stressful night of desperation baking. Essek felt his ears warm through with the realization that they had had an audience. 

“Well congrats on finally seeing what’s been written all over your faces for like months now,” Beauregard said, giving Caleb an appreciative slap on the back. Caleb gave her a smile that they shared as he reached out and gave her hair a teasing ruffle. 

“It is a wonderful thing,” Yasha said, quietly...softly, and with a sweet small personal smile. 

“I’m happy for you two,” Fjord promised. “It is a wonderful thing, Yasha is right.” 

“Thank you all,” Caleb said, with a glisten to his eyes which couldn’t have just been the light. “But before we really celebrate, we’ve got to make sure this goes off without a hitch.” 

“Caleb is right in that respect,” Fjord said. “Everyone, man your battle stations. We’ve got work to do.” 

“Aye, aye captain!” The rest of the Mighty Nein said with a mock salute. 

“I wish you all the best of luck,” Essek said before pressing up on his toes and giving Caleb the shortest and softest kiss he had ever given in his whole life. “You’ll be brilliant.”

“I wish I had your confidence,” Caleb said, eyes butter-soft blue. 

“I don’t have to be confident. I just know,” Essek said. “I’ll see you all after the fact.” 

With that and a parting wave, Essek made it over to his assigned seat. It was off to the side of the Kryn’s, just in case they were going to need anything. Photographers and videographers were stationed then,  and Quana had disappeared to the back. It was then when the guests had finally filtered into their seats when the announcer announced Leylas and Quana, who appeared to a raucous applause from everyone. Leylas had changed her dress to something more form fitting, but made almost completely out of shimmering jewels that fractured light as she moved with Quana to the head of the table. 

Dinner itself was of a bespoke design, small little dishes of designer appeal that were meant to be consumed in a bite or two before the next round appeared. Essek tasted no flavor, but ate only to bide his time and to look busy. Essek tried not to keep catching Caleb’s gaze from across the room, but it seemed like Caleb himself was an opposite charge pulling Essek’s eyes forward. Eventually though, glasses were refilled with an expensive wine and the lights were dimmed. 

“We hope that our next dish surprises and delights from the Xhorhaus Bakery in Rosohna,” the announcer said. 

Caleb moved his hand in a somatic gesture with the cake knife. With a final flick of his fingers, it was almost like sparks caught dry brush. A glimmer filled the air, like the soft light of dappled trees in autumn, or the filling pool of a hearth, or a cascade of light coming in from a cave mouth. Sugar flowers opened up like they were craning for the sun, light caught in the crystals and scattered them out, marzipan birds nestled between roots flew before settling on other lays, and most impressively those same firefly sparks that moved about the room settled on the candles at every table and lit them with a warm glow. 

When the glow settled into a pleasant mirage, heat casting illusions from a dancing candle flame, there was a mighty clap of applause. Essek could help his smile as all of the Mighty Nein took a short bow before the lights were turned up just a smidge and they began to hand out slices of cakes and other desserts along with the other servers. 

“I hope you enjoy,” Caleb said, settling down a slice for both Quana and Leylas. Leylas said something to Caleb that made him smile, but it was soft enough that Essek couldn’t parse it out. Then he came over to Essek’s table with the rest of the planning team, settling down a piece for every and then pausing in front of Essek. “Let me know how you like it.” 

Essek didn’t wait before taking a bite. 

The cake itself was tender and its crumbs disappeared in the mouth with the heady taste of brown sugar and almond and vanilla, then cut through with a deep tart black currant syrup that was soaked into the bottom cake while immediately lightened by layer of soft plum jam that fluttered against the mouth like moth wings. And then of course there was the vanilla frosting that was so light and smooth and heavenly that Essek wondered if that was what eating a cloud would be like. As he ate, he was warmed through, bundled up by a fire and held against arms that carried with them the scent of clean wood fires and summer days. And there was the hint of lemon, the hint of sunlight, a hint of Caleb, a hint of the love that gave to Essek until he was bursting at the seams. 

“I love it,” Essek told him, with a smile. 

________________________

Later, when the entire room was dancing and laughing, Essek found himself sitting beside Caleb. His hand was in Caleb’s, while Caleb ran his fingers along the divots of Essek’s knuckles like he was attempting to memorize him by touch alone. Essek did nothing to discourage him, and simply leaned just a bit closer. 

“I like my job,” Essek said as he watched Quana dip Leylas and plant a kiss to her. Leylas squawked indignantly, but based the pleased purple flush to her skin, she didn’t seem to mind. “But I’m beginning to think, perhaps, my days off are a little too idle. I always need to be busy.” 

“Really?” Caleb asked curiously, as Veth and Beauregard were flipping a coin. When it landed Beauregard swore as Veth swiped her drink and took it herself. Yasha and Jester watched this and laughed. Fjord clapped Caduceus on the back and both of them laughed at a joke that had obviously been told at someone’s expense. 

“Is there still an opening available for a barista or has the position been filled?” Essek asked Caleb curiously.  

“I may have to move a few interviews around, but as long as your recommendations are good I don’t see why we can’t make it work,” Caleb chuckled, slinging his arm around Essek, and Essek pulled in close against him.  “I may take up your offer, Mr. Theylss, if you are so inclined.” 

“You better be careful,” Essek joked. “Remember what I said, you give me an in and you’ll be only a partner soon.” 

“Only a partner?” Caleb asked in return. “I don’t think there’s anything I would like more. A baking’s a labor of love, and I can hardly only imagine what will happen when we stuff more love in that place.” 

“We might take over the world,” Essek pointed out with a laugh. 

“With our friends? Absolutely. Let’s! But you will have to tell me what flavors you think everything should be.”

“Lemon,” Essek laughed as Caleb grinned at him in return. And so the dancing went on and the evening turned to night, but Essek was held safely in the arms of a man that he loved. Essek couldn’t believe that there would ever be anything sweeter than that.

[minyoongijjangjjangmanboongboong]

Ephemera Chapter Three (Early)

Ephemera: In art, transitory written and printed matter (receipts, notes, tickets, clippings, etc.) not originally intended to be kept or preserved.

Alternatively, things that exist or are used for only a short time.

Description: Nobody knows who Vante really is. Everything about the popular artist is shrouded in secrecy: from his face to his name to everything in between. After years of working for his art gallery, Y/N feels she may just be the closest thing he has to a friend. Between her success at work and her relationship with campus hot-shot Jeon Jungkook, Y/N’s life has never been better. But is Jungkook truly who he says he is? And who will Y/N protect now that she knows Vante’s livelihood may be on the line?

Genre: Romance, Drama, Fluff, Angst

Pairing: Jungkook x (f) Reader x Taehyung

Word Count: 7.2k

Tags: Non-Idol!Au, Gang!Au, Art History Student!Reader, Film Student!Jungkook, Art Student!Taehyung

Warnings: Swearing and mentions of alcohol, although infrequently

A/N: Hey guys! I decided to say screw it and put links in here. I feel like the chapter functions much more cleanly this way, so hopefully the Tumblr gods take pity on me. Anyway, this chapter is early!! As per a request below the last chapter, I’ve gotten this one finished a few days before Sunday, so it’s goin up. I’ll post Chapter Four on Sunday as scheduled! As always, please feel free to send me a message if you’d like! Comments, questions, critiques, theories, send them my way! I’ll respond to all asks received within a day of receiving them.

And again, if you want to follow my Twitter, my username is @/plzpunchmebts. I’m super active over there and hopefully in the future I’ll do some livestreams/chats with you all!

- Mercury

Previous Chapter – Next Chapter

Masterlist

Weekly updates: Sunday, 1PM (PST)

I removed my heels in the stairwell and began jogging barefoot up the steep flights. However harebrained, my scheme was working well. Panting, I carried my shoes in my right hand and used my left to claw my way up the railing, pulling my aching body up the stairs. As I approached the tenth floor landing, I paused and caught my breath, careful not to heave on my inhales and exhales. I pushed open the heavy door and emerged just outside the gallery, Jungkook’s back receding into the shadows of the hallway.

He wasted no time.

Silently, I maneuvered my way into the gallery, guiding the door shut behind me. I set my shoes and purse on the floor beside the front doors, gritting my teeth as I labored to be as silent as possible. My footfalls were gentle as I tiptoed through the shadows, creeping close to the walls in case he suddenly turned around and barreled back onto the floor. I heard the sound of his shoes squeaking against the wood down the hallway, a brisk pace, and found myself rushing as well to keep up.

I slipped into the hall and found his back still turned to me, turning silently into the break room. I straightened a little and crossed my arms. If I hadn’t found anything useful in there, he sure as hell wouldn’t. I walked quickly into a dark alcove beside the break room door, pressing my ear against the wall to hear him. But he was quiet as a mouse as he searched the room. Predictably, he only spent a few moments inside before deeming it fruitless and stepping back into the hallway. Under cover of the shadows, I watched him rake his hands through his hair and shake his head with a huff.

He turned on his heel and I pressed myself back against the wall, deeply shrouded in darkness, as he passed me. Without a second look, he was inside the backroom. I rolled my eyes. If he thought he’d make any headway back there, he was in for a nasty shock. Not only was the backroom an absolute disaster, it took near pinpoint accuracy to find your way around. I suspected the kid might even get lost in the stacks of canvases if I didn’t keep a close eye on him.

Carefully, I followed behind him, slipping through the door and padding it as I led it back to its frame. Once secured, the door released a tiny groan and I exhaled long and slow, my hands frozen on its metal surface. I squeezed my eyes shut. This was it. This had to be it. That metallic clanging had to have alerted Jungkook to the presence of another person in that dark backroom. I was caught. I was certainly caught.

But seconds ticked on in silence. Then minutes. And after several agonizing moments, I straightened my back and turned around, brows furrowed. I scanned the big room for him and saw nothing. The only sound in the room was the rhythmic falling of his footsteps, echoing dimly around the space. The factory lights flickered overhead and I righted myself, composing my breathing with a silent pat to my chest.

I crept behind him, always separated by at least one row of art supplies: haphazardly stacked canvases, broken easel legs, shelves of paintbrushes that I couldn’t name if you paid me. I could see him through the gaps in the shelves, his eyes scanning the supplies like a predator. There was something in his expression that I didn’t like, and in the brief glimpses I got of his face I could sense a desperate sort of hostility. The nameless look burned into the back of my mind as I followed him, watchful over his every movement.

Eventually, he found his way to the back of the room where Vante left the paintings he wanted displayed. Just like earlier today, I watched the yellow light swing in the draft and catch on something in the corner.

Unlike earlier today, Jungkook saw it too.

I heard his breath catch in his throat and, before I could react, he was jogging toward it. Looking now, I could see that the vague outline I’d noticed before was more than that. It was a door, covertly disguised to match the wall. Beside it, a keypad which Jungkook uncovered from behind a rectangular canvas. My eyes went wide and I glanced around quickly, searching for anything to distract Jungkook with. But as I did, I noticed something new. In the top right corner of the room, hanging from the ceiling and trained right on that camouflaged door, was a camera. Surely, I was in view as well, hiding halfway behind a shelf of gauche paints. I looked right into the lens, stared at it long and hard. I had no doubts. On the other end of that camera could be Vante himself. I steeled my gaze and lowered my head, a nearly invisible nod, before I cleared my throat and stepped out from behind the stacks.

Jungkook nearly jumped out of his skin, turning to face me with beet-red cheeks and eyes as wild as his wind-swept hair. There it was again. That gambling look. Like he had a losing hand and I’d called his bluff. I crossed my arms and smiled, staring him up and down.

“Y/N, I-,” he began, then looked around the room frantically, hands poised awkwardly at his sides.

I cut the tension with a laugh and tilted my head to the side. “Baby,” I drawled, laughing again. “I told you to get my keys, not snoop around my workplace.”

Jungkook’s shoulders relaxed a little and he breathed out a shaky laugh. “Sorry. I just got kinda curious being in her after hours,” he said, fishing around in his front pocket and tossing my keys at me. They arced through the air before clattering to the floor beside my bare feet. He furrowed his brow and crossed his arms. “Where are your shoes?”

I picked up the keys and tilted my leg to expose my swollen ankle. “They were hurting me so I left them by the door,” I said with a sigh, fanning my hair out behind me. “Shall we leave?” I asked with a saccharine smile. “Or are there any more secrets you wanna find?” My eyes slid to the door before him.

He stiffened. “I…I mean, are there more?” he asked, blinking at the door. “Secrets, I mean.”

Quietly, I peeked at the camera, crossing my arms and pleading with whatever higher power was out there that Vante was watching. I sighed and approached Jungkook, placing my hands on his shoulders and wheeling him around towards the aisle. I was careful to guide him away from the camera, praying that he wouldn’t notice it.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I said, patting his back before leading the way back out to the floor. With a pang in my stomach, I realized that my note to Vante was gone and my keys remained.

“So he went snooping around?” asked Nara as I sat atop the front counter, my feet swaying. She carefully pried open one of the bunny cages and adjusted the water bottle with a huff. “Kinda suspicious.”

“Kinda?” I asked, shaking my head as I watched my sneakers bump the front of the counter. “It’s all…it’s all adding up to something really unpleasant.”

“Unpleasant is a nice way of putting it,” she said with a snort before turning her attention to the hamster cages, carefully refilling their food. “How can you be so casual about all of this? Isn’t it, like, pretty serious?”

I hummed a little and shrugged. “I mean…didn’t it all seem too good to be true from the start?” I asked, then laughed a little, surprised by how sad it sounded. “Why would a guy like him be interested in me anyway? I think it was only a matter of time anyway.”

Nara turned to me and rested a hand on her hip, brows knit as she scanned me. There was a tangible worry in her body language, and the way she looked at me made me feel like an animal on display. The daylight caught on her skin as it streamed through the pet shop windows, revealing tired bags beneath her eyes.

I sat upright and hopped off the counter, walking toward her with a pout. “Nara, are you sleeping?” I asked.

She scoffed and gave my shoulder a shove. “Your boyfriend might be using you to commit espionage and you’re worried about my sleep?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

I sighed and grabbed the strings of her apron which had come undone at the front. Carefully, I retied it. “You didn’t answer.”

She flitted her hand and shrugged, evading my gaze by pursing her lips and watching the bunnies play. “I might be spread a little thin lately with this class.”

“What class?”

“English lit,” she said with a sigh, stepping away to tend to a cage full of newly vaccinated puppies. She reached down and patted one on the head. “I’m slaving over this essay and my prof won’t give me an extension because of work.”

I furrowed my brow and crossed my arms. “Do you not have any time to finish it? Are you working too many hours?” I asked.

She tossed her head to the side and chuckled. “Y/N, please. I have a mom of my own, I don’t need you on my case too.”

I stiffened, glancing away, and rubbed the back of my head. “I’ll stop nagging.”

She hissed a little and shook her head. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have worded it that way,” she said, approaching and scanning my features softly.

I smiled. “It’s fine,” I said with a shrug. “Whatever love I may have missed out on, Dad gave me tenfold.” I laughed, ready to change the subject, when the front door bell dinged and both Nara and I stiffened to greet the customer.

A young guy, maybe mid-twenties, sauntered in. His eyes were sharp, glancing around the pet shop like he might find secrets hidden in the abundant potted plants or the pee pads set up in the corner. His demeanor was rather reserved, lips set in a thin line, dressed in all neutrals with a cap obscuring his face whenever he looked down. He didn’t seem like the type to visit a pet store of his own free will.

But as Nara approached, I realized this wasn’t his first time here. She grinned and stood beside him. “Hello again. It was…Yoongi, right?” she asked with a giggle. The man lifted his head and only met her eyes for a scant second before clearing his throat and glancing toward the tabby cats sitting behind a panel of glass. “What are you looking for today? If I remember correctly, last time you bought a food bowl?” she asked.

The man shook his head, edging away from her. Something about him was suspicious, but I kept my mouth shut and simply watched from afar. “Need food now,” he said curtly, his voice rough and low and distinctive.

Nara spared me a glance and wiggled her eyebrows from across the store. I chuckled as I slowly eased back against the counter, hands pressed behind me. “For that cat you mentioned? What have you been feeding it the past few days?” she asked. “You found it on the street, right?”

The man glanced at her curiously before clearing his throat and nodding. “Um, yeah,” he said, scanning the pets before wandering closer to me where the rows of pet foot were stacked.

We locked eyes for a moment and, after a tense few seconds, I looked away first. “What kind of cat was it again?” asked Nara, walking close behind him with her customer service grin pasted across her face.

He furrowed his brow and glanced at her. “What’s it matter?”

“Well,” she began, still smiling, “different cats need different diets. Some cat breeds require special diets and-,”

Nara began her speech about the importance of a specialized diet and both me and this Yoongi man visibly stopped focusing. The man ran his fingers along the fronts of several bags of cat food before grabbing one and, sliding past me, set it on the counter beside the cash register.

Nara paused her lecture and tilted her head to the side, eyes wide. “Oh! Will this one be okay? Are you sure you don’t want to go with-,”

“This one’s fine,” said the man, finally looking her in the eye. When he did, I realized why he’d been avoiding it this whole time. His pale skin went slightly reddish here and there and, before the blush could spread, he looked back to the food, letting his hat cover his face.

I smiled and stepped away, biting back a laugh. “A-alright then,” said Nara, the same charming dusting of pink on her cheeks as well.

I slouched over my painting, staring abysmally down at it as it stared equally abysmally back at me. Professor Jung patrolled like a shark, staring over our shoulders as we stared at our freshly dried paintings. It wasn’t like the thing was going to change the longer I stewed on it. But each time Professor Jung skulked by I painted myself as the dutiful student, pondering my piece with furrowed brows and quiet, contemplative exhales. Truthfully, it was still the same depressing, grey piece it had been days prior. Only now, there was a horrible dash of yellow glaring up at me. The forms were jumbled, blending into one another. The colors were boring. The technique was tactless to say the least.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “So? What do you guys think now that you’ve has a few days to sleep on your pieces?” asked Professor Jung with a clap of his hands.

I jumped a little and lifted my eyes to meet his at the front of the classroom. “Illuminating,” offered one student with a snicker, to which Professor Jung simply leveled his eyes with the kid and cocked a brow.

“Taking time to rest and think on a piece of art can help you all become better artists. Things tend to come into perspective once we take a step back,” he said, nodding.

I stiffened, eyes wide, and stared at my professor for a long moment. Was that the key after all? “I still think mine looks like an elephant,” mumbled a girl beside me to her friend, to which the friend giggled behind her hand.

Across the room, Taehyung caught my eyes. How long had he been watching me anyway? The two of us locked gazes and neither made a move to smile or wave. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like I’d been caught doing something naughty. I felt my cheeks flush under his intense scrutiny, and even across the room I could feel the intensity of his eyes on me. His brow was set low, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose, jaw set staunch and shoulders slumped. Today he didn’t look quite so put together. He looked as if perhaps he hadn’t slept well, and he hadn’t had the time to meticulously craft an interesting ensemble, sitting instead in an oversized sweatshirt and jeans that exposed the muscles of his knees. Like the ones Jungkook liked to wear.

I cleared my throat and glanced away, eyes falling to his painting as it sat on the table. It looked pretty from far away, some delicate landscape of thick trees and a distant cabin, but I couldn’t look for long because as Professor Jung monologued, I noticed something peculiar.

Taehyung’s sweatshirt wasn’t just some Hanes throwaway.

It was Givenchy.

My brows knit as I stared at the logo emblazoned across his chest. He didn’t seem like the type to seek out high-end brands, and being a student I’d naturally assumed he, like me, was broke to the bone. But the longer I looked the more curious it became. Not only was his sweatshirt name brand, but it looked like his shoes were authentic Doc Martens. Even his pants seemed like they were made of high-quality denim.

Before I knew it, class was dismissed and to my surprise, students began gathering their things to leave. Startled, I jumped out of my seat and collected my belongings, struggling to hold my canvas without dropping my backpack or my cold cup of coffee.

I huffed a little with the effort, but I had little time to lament my frustrations because before I could even react, my painting was snatched away from me. “Hey-,” I began, but stopped short when I realized it was Taehyung towering over me, a soft smile on his face that didn’t quite touch his eyes. In his hands were both our paintings. “Taehyung,” I breathed with a grin.

He nudged me gently with the corner of his canvas and jerked his head toward the exit. “Looked like you were struggling.”

I chuckled and ran my fingers through my hair. “You could say that,” I said, sighing.

The two of us set off down the hallway, our arms brushing now and then. “What have you been up to these days?” he asked.

“It hasn’t been that long since we argued about What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim,” I countered with a grin, eyeing him sidelong.

He smiled back at me, but again it was a halfway smile. The kind you give when you’re holding something in. “Long enough for something to have changed,” he said, jerking both our canvases up against his side to avoid accidentally smacking a passerby.

I pursed my lips and thought a moment. Had anything changed? Jungkook was still acting like himself, whoever that really was. After catching him in the act, I figured perhaps I’d have had the courage to confront him about it. But reality was endlessly disappointing. Every time I saw his name light up my phone, I was filled with something cold and restless. Something that demanded to be addressed. But all I could do in the end was read and cherish his every word and respond with a heart.

I was pretty pathetic, wasn’t I?

“Nothing,” I said with a nod, picking at the cuticles on my free hand. I took a sip of coffee, and found it displeasingly chilled. “Nothing’s changed.”

Taehyung glanced down at me and scanned my face. I glanced away down the hallway with a sigh. “You know-,”

“Forget it,” I said, waving my hands. My coffee sloshed coldly against the paper cup and with a sigh I carefully tossed the thing into the closest trash can. I turned to Taehyung with a wide smile. “Let’s do something, hm? I’ve got some things I wanna forget about and you seem like a good distraction.”

His brows lifted and he stared at me with round eyes. “Do something?”

I nodded, snatching my painting from beneath his arm and holding it close. I smiled. “I’ll take you to my happy place,” I said, laughing.

“Hey, Mr. Kim!” I called as I guided Taehyung past a few courtyard benches.

The ground was slightly uneven, and the footpath below us was overgrown with thin plants. Easy to trip on, and I’d know. Past the stone archways, we entered the cafe. Mr. Kim sat with a big smile behind the counter, his head in his hand as we entered. I waved and gently sat my painting beside a stool by the bar, hopping up and sitting down as Taehyung followed suit. I watched Taehyung’s eyes flit over the paper lanterns hanging on strings overhead, touch upon the old brick wall hosting hundreds of polaroids of friends and patrons, the many potted plants, the delicate yellow flowers beside us. The place was warm as ever and cozier than usual. Patrons milled about the large bookcases or sat quietly gazing out at the busy Hongdae street. I shucked off my jacket and slung it over the back of my stool.

Mr. Kim, a weathered man with a big heart, grinned as he began working on my drink, not even sparing a moment to ask what I wanted. “Who’s this?” he asked, eyeing Taehyung over the coffee maker. “Not the boyfriend Nara showed me.”

Taehyung stiffened and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could I laughed and shook my head. “He’s a friend,” I said, resting my cheek in my palm with a smile. “Last time we hung out, we went to that coffee chain on campus.” I stuck out my tongue in mock disgust.

Taehyung’s eyes went wide. “Was the coffee bad?” he asked, real concern in his expression.

I laughed and patted his arm, but retracted my hand as his cheeks went pink. “No, it’s not that,” I said, grinning at Mr. Kim. “Just that this place has the best coffee.”

“What is this place?” asked Taehyung with a wondrous look around.

Mr. Kim slid my coffee in front of me before beginning work on Taehyung’s. “It’s called Nunchi,” I said quietly, watching Mr. Kim as he worked carefully. He’d entered the zone: that perfect space where all his focus was on his task. Nara and I used to take advantage of this zone often as kids. “You know what nunchi is?”

He nodded, entranced by Mr. Kim’s capable movements like I was. “When someone is really good at reading other people’s emotions. Like…being in touch with what other people are feeling without speaking and reacting well to it.”

“At least you know,” teased Mr. Kim with a wink my way. “Miss Y/N is still working on her nunchi.”

I gaped, patting my chest. “Hey! I have excellent nunchi!” I said, wagging my finger at Mr. Kim.

“Your dad has excellent nunchi,” Mr. Kim said with a loud laugh, the one that came from his gut like a shout. “Anyhow, here at the shop we know what you need even when you don’t know it yourself.”

Taehyung jumped a little before glancing at me out the corner of his eye and offering a smile. “So you know each other well?” he asked.

I nodded with a soft chuckle. “Too well,” I joked. “He’s my best friend’s dad.”

“And your dad’s business partner,” said Mr. Kim, raising his brows.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said, sighing. “My dad lives out on a ranch. What he harvests, he sends here for their seasonal menus.”

Taehyung stared at me with wide eyes. “I didn’t know you weren’t from Seoul.”

I laughed, patting his shoulder. “How could you? We only just met.”

Taehyung’s expression faltered for half a second before he laughed and nodded, rubbing the back of his neck gently. “You’re right,” he said. Mr. Kim slid him a cup on a white platter and took a step back with crossed arms. “What’s this?” he asked before taking a sip, eyeing Mr. Kim over his glasses. He placed both hands around the coffee cup.

“It’s a latte,” he said, chuckling. “Caramel latte, not too bitter. Outsourced beans so it’s pretty nutty.”

“Nutty?” asked Taehyung, turning to me.

I laughed. “It’s the aroma,” I said, cupping my hands around Taehyung’s and bringing the coffee up to his nose. “Take a whiff.”

His eyes fluttered a little before shutting, brows furrowing as he inhaled through his nostrils. “Mm,” he breathed, nodding once before lowering our hands. I grabbed my own drink and took a sip. “I could smell it.”

I nodded, sighing into my drink. “Of course you could,” I said with a smile at Mr. Kim. “Because our barista is a master.”

Mr. Kim tipped his baseball cap and laughed. “I’ll fix you two a snack,” he said, walking easily into the small adjacent kitchen.

I sipped my drink quietly, watching the coffee swirl around the glass. “So what’s your drink?” asked Taehyung, turning to me with a gentle smile, his chin in his hand.

I slid it to him to sip. “Antoccino,” I said.

He pulled a sour face as he took a drink before politely pushing the saucer back to me. “Bitter,” he said.

I laughed, pensive as I took another drink. “It’s half milk and half espresso. I figured you’d hate it.”

“So that’s why it’s called Nunchi,” he said with a knowing nod. “He knows what we want.”

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. I wished I could say the same about myself. Perhaps Mr. Kim was right. Perhaps my nunchi wasn’t quite as good as I thought it was. “Hey, uh…thanks for coming out with me today,” I said, running my fingertip along the rim of my glass.

Taehyung visibly went stiff before coughing a little, passing it off as a laugh. “Um, no. It-it’s fine. Honestly, I’m happy you invited me,” he said.

I peeked up at him and smiled a little. “You seem like a very nice person,” I said, thinking back to that day at the gallery. How suspicious I’d been. Looking at him now, taking quiet little drinks of his latte like a cat, it was hard to believe I’d ever thought he was capable of being underhanded. “I’m sure you have more important things to do,” I said with a nod.

Taehyung jumped slightly and stared at me. “What? No! There’s nothing,” he said.

I chuckled and nodded. “It’s okay,” I said, surprised by the somberness in my voice. “Forget I said anything.”

Taehyung was quiet for a long moment, each of us staring at our coffees without uttering a word. “Are you doing okay?” he asked finally, his voice soft like a whisper.

I swallowed hard and smiled, unable to meet his eyes. “Mhm,” I said. “Sorry. I asked you to come out and forget the bad stuff, and here I am throwing a pity party.” I turned to him with a smile. “I think I’m okay. And…well, if I’m not then I will be soon.”

His eyes were dark and troubled. He kept opening and closing his mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. Like he couldn’t find the right thing to say, or perhaps there were too many things to say that he couldn’t pick one. He sighed and rubbed his nose bridge before lifting his eyes and offering a barely-there smile.

“There’s always gonna be something to make you sad,” he said with a nod. “That’s life.”

“You’re right,” I said, forcing a smile. I suspected he meant to be comforting, but the words hung in the air like dead weight and settled uneasily on my chest.

He shook his head. “No, that’s not it,” he said, grabbing my arm. I stiffened, turning wide eyes toward Taehyung as he stumbled over his words. “I-I’m not very good at this, but…what I mean is that we can’t control all the bad shit that happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. We don’t always have power over life, but we always have power over ourselves.”

I furrowed my brow and stared at him, puzzled. “But what if it’s something really serious? Something you desperately need to get to the bottom of but can’t?”

He released my arm and turned back to his latte, blinking at it as he took another sip. He peeked at me out the corner of his eyes. “Well then you’ve got a choice to make,” he said carefully, eyes sliding back to his drink. His lashes brushed the apples of his cheeks and, sitting just like that with a quiet thoughtfulness to him, I couldn’t help but notice that he seemed handsomer than usual. “Are you gonna let the fear of the unknown consume you?” he asked, then lifted his eyes to meet mine. “Or are you gonna take back your power?”

My heart raced as our gazes locked. There passed a moment of profound understanding. Like neither of us needed to explain ourselves to know what the other had meant. Like he knew without knowing what I needed to hear. I pressed my lips thin and set my jaw.

Before I could respond, Mr. Kim returned with some cheesecake, two forks, and a big welcoming smile. Taehyung and I both smiled our thanks and wordlessly took a bite.

Jungkook and I sat quietly in his apartment, lounging on his couch as a crime documentary droned on his television. The evening outside was cold and brisk, but inside nestled beneath several layers of blankets, I was toasty warm. Every now and again, Jungkook’s fingers would brush against mine beneath the covers like he was trying to initiate physical touch and, on impulse, I’d jerk away. I only removed my eyes from the screen to check my phone once in a while, sneaking covert glances around the small living room for clues as I did.

I was trying my best, but every second I sat beside him was a second that felt like forgery. Each time his tender eyes would wash over my face, I’d feel a tickle in my stomach that I couldn’t ignore.

If only reclaiming my power was easier.

At around six, relief finally arrived in the form of Kim Seokjin.

“Hello, children. Papa’s home!” he called, slamming the front door open with a big, powerful laugh. He tossed the plastic grocery bags aside on the tiled kitchen counter and throw his arms out wide.

Laughing, I hopped out from beneath the blankets and rushed him like a football player, colliding against his chest with a thud that stole his breath. He sputtered a little as he patted my back, Jungkook chuckling from the couch. I pulled myself away to give the older boy a proper once-over. It had been a few weeks since I’d seen him, but every time he came around he seemed goofier than before. Now he stood above me with a big grin and wiggling eyebrows. There was mischief in his dark irises.

Carefully, I took a step back and crossed my arms, peering at him. “What are you plotting?” I asked, cocking a brow. God, if only it were that easy to interrogate Jungkook.

Seokjin clapped a hand to his chest and gaped, wide-eyed. “I am hurt!” he called, staggering back against the counter with more than a little theatrics. “My roommate’s girlfriend doesn’t even trust me!”

Your roommate’s girlfriend doesn’t trust your roommate either, I thought with a scowl. “What’s in the bag, Jin?” Jungkook asked, suddenly at my side with an arm draped over my shoulders.

I peeked up at him, the skin of my neck warm where his cheek touched it. Seokjin smirked and opened one of the plastic bags, beckoning us to look inside. Underneath the yellow glow of their fluorescent kitchen lights, several six-packs of cheap beer lay atop one another, some half-toppled over on their sides.

I laughed and shook my head. “You two can feel free to get shitfaced on a weekday, but I’ve got class tomorrow morning.”

“It’s a Thursday,” said Seokjin, rolling his eyes. “Barely a weekday.”

“Don’t you two have work or something?” I asked, crossing my arms and bowing out from underneath Jungkook’s embrace.

Jungkook’s back stiffened and he turned to me. “Why do you ask?” he said, something guarded in his eyes, something not quite trusting.

Wait…

Was he suspicious of me now?

I might’ve laughed if it wasn’t so alarming. I furrowed my brow and gestured toward the drinks. “You hate being hungover at work,” I said, recalling what felt like an ancient conversation between the two of us early in our relationship after a night of barbecue and shots.

His expression softened and he puffed out an uneasy laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “Just…uh, felt like you were scolding me.”

I matched his laugh with one of my own before clearing my throat and grabbing for a can of beer, yanking it from the plastic. It was lukewarm, probably disgusting, and definitely a bad idea. But the evening had yielded no new information, and Jungkook wouldn’t let me out of his sight. No matter how much I scanned the apartment under his watchful eye, I couldn’t find anything that would help me figure out what was going on.

And besides, what if drinking loosened Jungkook up enough to spill something on accident?

I cracked it open and tipped the cool tin can against my lips, guiding the acrid beer down my throat with an unpleasant frown. I hissed as I finished my swig and winced a little. I’d almost forgotten how much I hated beer.

But it had been worth something at least. Because as I gingerly nursed my second sip of beer, Jungkook grabbed for a can of his own. Without thinking, I reached my drink out to touch the rim of his before locking eyes with him. Of course, he was infuriatingly handsome. Dark eyes with an innocently cocked brow, a smirk on his lips revealing perfect teeth, soft hair that bounced a little the two of us took a drink together.

But in that smirk, I knew he held secrets.

And it was time I started revealing them.

“On my life, I would!” called Seokjin from the floor, already plastered from the looks of it and from the volume of his voice.

Jungkook and I sat leaning against one another on the couch, laughing. “You would not pass up a date with Hyolyn just to be on Law of the Jungle!”

“You wouldn’t last!” I exclaimed in tandem.

Seokjin shook his head, eyes shut, stubborn and drunk as a skunk. And from the way Jungkook was leaning against my shoulder, he was pretty far gone himself. “I would do fine,” protested Jin with a nod, eyes still shut.

Jungkook took a moment to wipe beneath his eyes before turning to me with a dopey grin. “Alright, Y/N. Your turn,” he said.

Suddenly, Seokjin’s eyes were open and focused on me. He sat upright and looked at me seriously. “Y/N,” began Jin with a cough. “Would you rather find out who Vante is but lose your job, or never know who he really is but work for the Gallery forever?”

I stiffened, brows furrowed, and crossed my arms. It was a horribly pointed question, and I wasn’t drunk enough to take is innocent. “I’d rather never know,” I said with a decisive nod.

Jungkook went still beside me, but his eyes remained trained on my face. He seemed much soberer now, much more focused. “But doesn’t it make you crazy? Being so close to him but not knowing who he is?” he asked.

I blinked and edged away from Jungkook’s side, watching my lap. “If he’s hiding, there’s a reason,” I said with a nod.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Jungkook, his tone revealing a longtime frustration. As if he was finally scratching the surface of an issue that had bothered him a long time. Out the corner of my eye, I saw him cross his arms.

“What if he’s really creepy?” asked Seokjin, eyeing me carefully from the rug.

I shook my head. “I trust him.”

“You’re naive.” I expected Jin to respond, but the words came from Jungkook who by then was staring into the middle distance as if I’d really upset him.

I scoffed and turned to him. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but something in me was burning. “Vante has been nothing but kind and supportive to me, and he’s been a part of my life longer than you have,” I said with a sigh. I turned back to Seokjin. “Watch what you say,” I said, looking them both in the eye.

Before either of them could speak, my phone began buzzing in my pocket and I jumped. Nara’s name lit up my screen and without a moment’s hesitation, I unlocked it and pressed it to my ear.

“Y/N!” she called, audibly relieved.

I raised my brows. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Ugh, it’s Hyun,” she whined into the receiver.

I sat upright and furrowed my brows. “Your dog?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“Yeah, he-,”

“Hold on,” I said, shaking my head.

I glanced around the room as Nara audibly shuffled on the other end. The air was no good in here, stagnant and awkward after my outburst. Not to mention the way both boys seemed to hang on my every word like they were hungering for more. I needed to get out of there, get some fresh air, clear my head. Restless, I stood to my feet and turned to Jungkook, gesturing with my hands to the front door. He feigned a smile and nodded as I shuffled out into the outdoor hallway, bracing the cold with a shiver.

Something wasn’t sitting right with me. If Seokjin was the one who asked the question about Vante to begin with, did that mean he was in on this too? And what about the alcohol?

Had it all been planned from the start?

“Sorry, I’m at Jungkook’s,” I said with a sigh, gripping the bridge of my nose as a headache began to take hold.

Nara was quiet for a moment. “How…is that going?”

“Not well.”

She sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said, somber.

I shrugged, but I felt my posture go rigid. I cleared my throat. “It’s fine. Anyway, what about Hyun?”

She groaned. “Well I agreed to do a group workshop for the paper I’ve been talking about, but I realized I forgot to put food in Hyun’s bowl. I don’t know when I’ll be home and I’m at the library right now and I’m just kinda worried about-,”

“Nara,” I interrupted with a laugh. “Breathe.”

She inhaled and exhaled before coughing a little. Was she getting sick? “Sorry. Um…I know it’s shitty, but if you could just swing by my apartment and fill his bowl I’d owe you my life.”

I thought a moment, watching my knees as the buckled slightly in the chill. Vante wasn’t wrong when he chastised me for being a pushover. And with evidence still possibly lingering in Jungkook’s apartment, and a new accomplice to think about, I wasn’t sure I should be so hasty leaving. But the longer I stayed, the worse things became and I hadn’t found anything useful yet. What made me assume I’d find anything now?

And besides, it was Nara.

I sighed. “Yeah, uh I can be there in fifteen,” I said, glancing out into the blistery night.

“Ugh, you’re a life saver! Seriously,” she said, her voice going distant on the phone.

“Don’t mention it,” I said with a smile.

“Love you!”

“Love you too,” I said as the line disconnected.

I rubbed my arms and slid my phone back into the pocket of my jeans. My face was hot from drinking and my body felt exhausted after a week of work and classes. I wanted to find someplace to collapse and take a nap, but something told me that I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon.

I stretched my torso a little before walking back inside the apartment. But, to my surprise, there was no bickering between Jungkook and Jin, no witty banter, no pillows being thrown across coffee tables. Instead, there was just the steady drone of the TV and the absence of both boys. I scanned the kitchen, then the living room. Nothing.

Perhaps this was my opportunity…

“Newcomer Ori Technologies is hosting a charity banquet next month to celebrate their first year in operation, and it’s rumored many big names will be in attendance. To name a few-,” said the newscaster on the television as I quickly shut it off. Odd, I was certain we were watching MNet when I left the apartment.

Carefully, I crept around the room in search of something, anything, that might give me answers. But everything was as normal as it had always been: monochromatic paintings on the walls, potted plants sitting half-dead in the corners, pillows sitting slumped against the backs of the couches. There was nothing new to be seen here.

But in the silence, I could hear the dull, muffled back-and-forth of conversation. As silently as I could, I poked my head down the hallway and strained to listen. I could only make out faint words like Gallery and trying, but most of what was said was entirely unintelligible to me. I suspected Jungkook and Seokjin had stolen away down the hall to hide in the computer room. Jungkook took great pains to make that room soundproof so he could play games in peace, so their discussion had to be pretty loud if I could hear it.

An idea came to me that had my nerves jittering. Beside the computer room was a room I seldom entered. I’d only been in once, and it was under Jungkook’s supervision the first time I’d visited the apartment.

Seokjin’s room.

If he was indeed involved in this whole mystery, perhaps it was time to change my focus. Silently, I approached the door and slipped inside the chilly, pitch-black bedroom. I steeled myself with a deep breath, my forehead pressed against the door separating me from being caught. Who knew what would happen if they found me snooping around? Who knew if I had any reason to suspect Seokjin? I was certain that if they found me, I’d be cooked one way or another.

And if Jungkook disappeared, then I’d never know the truth.

Somehow, that unsettled me more than anything.

I nodded and summoned my courage to flick on the light. Suddenly, the darkness gave way to light grey wallpaper and collages of photos on bulletin boards. The room was sleek and clean, and the walls were decorated with sentimental pictures of Seokjin and people I didn’t recognize. A few photos featured Jungkook, but again they were surrounded by unknown faces. I scanned them for a moment before dropping my eyes to Seokjin’s work desk.

Atop the white lacquered wood was an expensive computer and not much else. I sucked in my breath and leaned down before it, running my fingers along the drawer. I couldn’t afford to waste much time, my ears hypersensitive to any noises coming from the hallway. I pried open the drawer and stared into it with wide, eager eyes.

Sitting at the bottom were several notebooks and one manila folder. The conversation from outside seemed to be quieting down, and my nerves were on fire. Without thinking, I yanked the manila folder out from inside and opened it on the floor beside Seokjin’s desk chair.

My heart skipped a beat.

Inside the folder were dozens of legal documents. I shook my head and fingered through them. They all seemed to be public records, transactions, contracts, things relating to business. Perplexed, I flipped to the final page in the thick pile.

And there it was.

Vante’s elegant, distinctive signature at the bottom of a document I didn’t recognize. And, right beside it, a name I could only vaguely place.

Kim Namjoon.

[attract-mode-collective]

Exactly 79 Photos & Videos Concerning The Game Boy (plus other handhelds)

So... hope you’ve all been following me on Twitter, which is more or less the unofficial new home for Attract Mode. Mostly cuz Tumblr’s days are, alas, numbers, plus I haven’t warmed up to Medium as much as I had hoped to. Though I’ve actually spent the past two months republishing every single post that contains mainline Game Culture Snapshots, so it has remained somewhat useful at least.

Now, for a while there, I had been compiling every single thing tweeted. But because I’m now so damn active on that end… plus I’m busier than ever with other projects… I’m way behind with those digest posts, and the very idea of playing catch up legit gives me anxiety. Yet I have been sharing lots of cool things, which all deserve to be in the blog proper… and because a lot of them are specific to the Game Boy, I figure, why not just focus on that?

Like the above, which is a technique for producing full color photographs via the Game Boy Camera, and yet another thing that I can’t believe hasn’t made the rounds!

Sticking with Game Boy photography, here have a pair of mods that will greatly enhance picture quality. The first involves mounting SLR lens onto a Game Boy Camera (via ekeler.com)...

And the second has one shoving a Game Boy Camera into a SLR itself (via @MaxKriegerVG)...

As someone who was into video games as a kid, and also interested in photography, the Game Boy Camera was the first camera I was able to call my own. Am pretty sure this was the case for others as well?

I also remember seeing this ad in Nickelodeon Magazine (which I would eventually writer for, not too long later) and being absolutely gob smacked (via nintendroid.org)…

Though as much I loved Nintendo brand of FUNtography, I would quickly discover… as did everyone else I also assume… that taking pictures is serious business (via @PolandNintendo)…

Not only did I have a Game Boy Color, but I also had the Game Boy Printer (I still own both, for the record). Unfortunately my snapshots from Link’s Awakening have long since faded, but as with many things, you can find copies online (via gameandgraphics.com)…

Speaking of the world of print, coming soon is a handy guide to Nintendo handy game machine (via miki800.com)…

That one magazine ad featuring Princess Peach catch your eye as well? Well here’s a much better look at it (via suppermariobroth)…

I love handheld gadgets of all kinds, yet some of the popular ones confuse me. Like Hudson’s Shooting Watch; it makes no sense to have a gadget that can detect button presses without a game attached. Guess I’m not alone (via instagram.com/kazzycom)…

A realization I made while sifting through Game Boy related content is how popular the color yellow is with many. Cuz Pokemon? Anyhow, the final post from a blog that specializes in gorgeous photographs of gorgeous hardware, which I just brought up again very recently (via hard-aware)…

How your parents used to trade Pokemans online (via melonjaywalk)…

And no, Game Boys weren't the only things that one could connect to keitais ya know. And yes, Game Boys aren’t the only portables I’ll be showcasing (via anthony10000000)…

I own quite a few VMUs and am always looking to expand my collection… but nothing yellow, sorry. Instead, I want the one covered with dolphins (via anthony10000000)…

So my new favorites artist is Eri Kitamura, and not just cuz she makes pretty looking Game Boys…

She also makes pretty looking girls playing Game Boys (well, this one is technically listening to music)…

Was originally going to post the first thing from Eri that caught my eye, which is a Game Boy with a girl on it, but instead here’s a Game Boy with a girl on it playing a Game Boy…

Time for two more videos from the same individual responsible with the process for producing color photographs at the very top. And it’s what everyone has been waiting… specifically the backlit Game Boy Color mod everyone has been waiting for.

The process is detailed in this two-part video, and here’s the first one (it’s about 50 minutes long cuz spoilers: this shit ain’t easy)…

And here’s part two, which is ONLY 40-ish minutes long…

The author of the videos actually has a store, so if the process seems a bit too daunting, you can purchase a pre-modded unit for $250. Actually, this one is $260, cuz of the dual shells. Quite the price tag, yet somehow totally worth it (via instagram.com/esotericmods)…

Now might be a good time to mention how… remember that GBA with the GameCube finish from eBay a few months back? Well, I decided to get the one that resembles a Super Famicom, something I’ve been lusting over for years.

Well, here’s what the aforementioned seller had in his listing…

And this is what I got instead…

Yeah, that green shoulder button is not the right shade. After some complaining, I got the seller to admit that the one in the picture was hand painted; he didn’t know where it get ones that it’s exact color as on a Super Fami controller.

He also had a no refund policy, yet I bitched & moaned enough to warrant an exchange, for another Cube-esque model, one sans the stick. Cuz it’s comparatively boring to look at, here’s a version with the stick…

Again, mine just has the standard d-pad. As for my replacement… the colors of the A & B buttons are not an exact match, once again. But it’s close enough (am mostly just sick of dealing with that guy, aka johnnys_merchandise, whom you should all avoid btw), plus I have started to scour AliExpress for replacements.

BTW, my failure to obtain a modded handheld that channels another form of hardware has me wondering if I should go for something completely different instead (via instagram.com/wakuwakuisland)…

Up in the mountains, flower bloom amongst Game Boys & Game Boy Colors, whereas deep in the forest, you’ll find mushrooms and Game Boy Advances (via pxchinko)…

Some say memories are fuzzy, though for others, they're leafy (via lyosphe)…

I’ve looked all over for tinycartridge's original post, but no luck, so you can all instead have my personal copy of the earthy wallpaper that was shared years ago (and which I still to this very day)...

The Game Boy Micro, DS, and DS Lite are like family, and like siblings, there can the occasional squabble (via benkyo-es)…

@frankcifaldi: When I met this guy in 2003 and he told me he was going to make an extensive fan site about the Supervision, a Taiwanese Game Boy knockoff, I was like "sure dude." 15 years later he actually launched the thing??

Meanwhile, the Game & Watch Perfect Catalogue just came out, with the full low down on all 59 models. BTW, had no idea there were 59 in total until @ionadisco mentioned it…

How Game & Watches were sold in America; I fondly recalls this ad in-between the pages of Amazing/Spectacular/Web of Spider-Man (via suppermariobroth)…

And how Game Boys were sold in Japan, one day one apparently, which would explain this salesperson’s rather perplexed demeanor (via flashbak.com)…

Silly as it sounds, and as silly as he looks, the US version of Firebrand is nonetheless a warm & welcoming face from my childhood (via nintendometro)...

Mario dropping a knowledge bomb (via suppermariobroth)…

Here’s Peach seemingly kicking Toad’s ass in Super Mario Bros Deluxe, which I’ve been meaning to tweet for a while now, but now seems like the right time & place for obvious reasons (via nintendometro)…

A cute comic about someone finally beating a game after ten years, or at least I believe that's the case (you know, language barrier and all; via @desune593)

Sailor Moon seems to enjoy handheld gaming more so than in the arcades (via uglygreenjacket)…

It saddens me that ravages of time is robbing me of my precious memories, including the names of 90s anime, hence why I had to ask on Twitter who exactly is this (answer was Tenchi Muyo; via shxtfased)...

It’s SethEverman, just playing some pokemon blue…

Speaking of music, it again saddens me that I wasn’t about to make the trip to Japan to catch chiptunes at Square Sounds, and various associated venues. At least @bit_shifter_ took this great snapshot of Glomag at Cyberpunks Osaka…

Meanwhile, here in NYC, we actually still have record stores. And you can grab Josh’s latest release, his first in 12 years(!) at Rough Trade (via bit-shifter)…

Though back to Japan; attended Square Sounds would have also afforded me the chance to check out Tokyo Game Show, where I could have gotten that VMU shaped USB drive that was being sold at the Sega booth (via miki800)…

A few weeks before TGS, there was an earthquake in Japan, in northern island Hokkaido. Many were left without power, but one person was able to keep up with the news, thanks to an old DS peripheral that basically provides bunny ears (via kotaku.com)…

On a semi-related note, here’s someone watching old ECW VHS tapes on their Game Gear (via heavyelectricity)…

Sorry, but the only other thing I have that’s related to Sega’s Master System on the go is this gif from a pizza ranch salad dressing (yikes) commercial, which was cross-promoting Sonic Chaos (via sonicthehedgeblog)...

I have no idea why I'm so amused by this Getty Image of a Neo Geo Pocket that was confiscated at summer camp. Or perhaps no explanation is needed? (via hellomrkearns)…

Speaking of the Great Outdoors, here’s my buddy Steve enjoying some Mario Kart 8 in the middle of a forest (via instagram.com/vitaminsteve)…

And speaking of Mario Kart on the Switch, Bowser seems like a pretty cool dood to have a car trip (via suppermariobroth)…

The Switch is so beloved that people are doing fan art, not for any particular game but the simple the act of playing with it (via annazees)…

Granted, one of the best things about the Switch is all the different ways in which one can play (via kanekoshake)…

If you enjoy your Switch on the go and are looking for a way to store games… and are a diehard Breath of the Wild fan as well… plus if you have access to a 3D printer (via miki800.com)…

It’s a tribute to Star Wars… games… all of them… featuring Princess Leia focused on her DMG (via deviantart.com/robduenas)...

BTW, do you still have your Game Boy? If not, here ya go (via anthony10000000)…

When the realization hits that your Game Boy Color library is incomplete (via @Bootleg_Stuff)…

Back to my buddy Steve, who visited the Primark at the Staten Island mall and took pics of the game related apparel that, sadly, were no longer in stock by the time I was able to swing by. With the one thing I really wanted being this shirt…

This pair of Super Mario Land X Air Jordans is only $1,350.00 (via miki800.com)…

I’m sure you’ve seen him already, but for the sake of completion, here’s that grandpa from who rigged this bike with 11 phones to become a Pokemon Go master (via bbc.com)…

Yet another sign of our times, literally (via fuckdragonballz)…

This image features a PSP and a MacBook, both of which are from the mid-2000s, yet feels very late 1990s/early 2000s. Why? Those USB cables (via jcgraphix)…

And last but not least, here’s Paris Hilton with her DS in 2005 (via @ParisHilton)…

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Vol. 5 Known By Its Song

This is a re-posting from Nov. 18th, 2017 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Five years on air and RWBY still has the ability to make me stupidly emotional. This episode was no exception.

Our title, "Known By Its Song" comes from the old saying that "A bird is known by its song, a man by his words," presumably referring to times when a man's "word" was equated with his honor. We begin the episode with Qrow--someone who is notably both man and corvus, a dichotomy that the episode will later comment on--who is out keeping his own word to Ozpin, searching for other huntsmen and huntresses to help them in their battle against Salem.

...and he's a complete drama queen about it.

Yes, in retrospect this is a Very Serious Situation, but getting a montage of Qrow literally bending over backwards in frustration before finally collapsing to his knees? Pretty hilarious. The first bar he visits, looking for someone named Shiro, doesn't go well at all, but for two minutes at least we can chock everything up to Qrow's semblance: the bartender doesn't know where Shiro is, he's not allowed back until he pays what he owes, and that debt is apparently high enough to warrant Qrow getting a knife thrown at him through the wall. Yeesh.

As his mission continues though, it becomes clear that there's far more at play than a bit of bad luck. Qrow is conducting his search in the poverty stricken areas of Haven, which is both a wonderful bit of world building and a perfect bit of characterization. After all, Qrow had a life of raids and disreputable behavior before he hooked up with the Ozilluminati. Any friends that he goes "way back" with are bound to be, if not criminals, then other huntsmen and huntresses with equally dubious pasts. The area where Qrow expects to find his friends is drab and gray, a sharp contrast to the beautiful seating area he'll rest in later, complete with holographic technology and a water garden with lily pads. The houses are boarded up and falling apart. The people wear filthy clothes, spend their time betting on street fights, and have some rather horrific injuries--hello, one-eyed weapons seller. What really completes the picture is a sign outside the bar proclaiming that there are NO FAUNUS allowed. Here in the U.S. racism has long been used as a means of pacifying those at or below the poverty line. Struggling to survive? Facing a government that cares little about whether you eat or your kids go to school? Well at the very least you're still white! It's a horrific truth about this country, but a truth nonetheless, and for once I'm glad that Rooster Teeth is forcing their race analogy back into the narrative. As flimsy as it still is, it does make sense that the most poverty-ridden parts of Haven would also be one of the most overtly discriminatory. This is just a more blunt version of what we saw back in Atlas during Jacques' little charity ball. He makes speeches about faunus who complain about dangerous working conditions. Bartenders in Haven slap up signs on their wall. It's the same thing with a different face.

Not that Qrow has time to worry about that right now. He runs through name after name learning that each person is missing--or worse. His search comes to an end when, frustrated, he reams out a guy right before a little girl toddles up, asking if this strange man knows where her Mommy is. I find it rather poignant that it's in this moment, one of his worst, that Qrow actually resists his flask. Perhaps he wants to keep feeling whatever emotions rose up from that little encounter. I think he hates himself just enough to go that route.

I also find it reassuring that for all his talk about how he can't get close to others because of his semblance, Qrow does know a lot of people. He's popular in his own way, making allies, acquaintances, and friends on both sides of the fence, so to speak. It's a punch to the gut when we see him back among Haven's upper class, staring at a mission board like the one we saw in Beacon. Every name up there--all these people he's come to care about--are missing, gone on search and destroy missions and never returned. Just as the viewer is beginning to realize why Shiro hasn't payed his debt, that it probably has nothing to do with a sleazy nature, Qrow is back at the bar. He pays off the money Shiro owes and tells the bartender firmly that "His name is clear" now.

I'd be more moved by this scene if I wasn't distracted by how the hell lien works in this world. Seriously. It seems straightforward enough at first glance. Different colors represent different amounts, right? But then here's Qrow throwing down a single card that pays off the16,000 debt. That seems like a random number. Who makes a 'bill' worth that exact amount? Unless Qrow payed him more than the minimum, or that was acting more like a credit card.

I don't know. This is the fantasy show that has yet to introduce languages other than English. You can't look too closely at RWBY's world building.

On to things I can actually conceptualize: Yang and Weiss are finally having their talk with Raven. Who was surprised by the setting that includes a decorative tea set and low table? Not me. I've seen a bunch of comics these last two weeks depicting that conversation exactly as it occurred, at least aesthetically. How did we know? Something something Yang's Asian influence. Again, don't look too closely. The point is that Raven is starting a very ironic conversation regarding "truth."

I actively dislike this woman.

Her attempts to manipulate Yang two episodes back were pretty blatant, but kudos for better subtly here: by insisting that Yang needs to question everything--including Raven--Raven actually positions herself as both wise (the one to gift Yang with this advice) and trustworthy; as the only one to admit her own, potential duplicity, she paradoxically comes across as the most honest. Too bad Yang's too smart to fall for her mind games. Or too straight forward. Weiss is the one talking herself in circles about whether magic might actually exist or not. Yang has a laser focus that nothing can penetrate: find Ruby.

I said last time that Raven was going to either drop some crazy plot twist about Ozpin, or just catch the girls up on what we already know. Looks like Rooster Teeth went with option two. Raven (taking her sweet time and being real vague about it) sums up what we've learned this season, if not earlier: Salem is a person that exists and is a Big Threat, she wants to kill off all of humanity (which presumably includes the faunus?), magic is a thing, and Raven just happens to know someone who can "come back from the dead." Wow. Wonder who that could be!

She does actually drop a few tidbits of interesting information. She reveals that she and Qrow entered Beacon to learn how to kill huntsmen and obviously only one of the twins was dissuaded from that goal. Her comment that the entrance exams were "child's play" is particularly fascinating because I'd always assumed there had to be something beyond just sending in transcripts and not screwing up initiation. Which begs the question, how did Jaune get past an exam of that caliber? Did Ruby just skip it with Ozpin's permission? Presumably.

In the end though, no matter how much Raven might want Yang to believe her "truth," her overwhelming bias shines through. The fact that she claims to have info on Ozpin and makes the beginning of the conversation all about Qrow hints at those feelings of betrayal. She ends the conversation on Tai--an insult that finally has Yang losing her patience. And throughout the middle Raven emphasizes that Salem is an entity that can't be stopped. Her beef with Ozpin (according to this conversation at least) isn't that he's inherently evil, but that he's convincing people to fight with him in an impossible war.

The problem here is that Raven is the only one who sees this war as "impossible." I've touched on this before, but Volume 5 is pulling strongly from that mission in Mountain Glenn, back when Oobleck got Team RWBY to think about why they wanted to be huntresses in the first place. Yes, on the surface that episode seems to confirm Raven's belief that most enter the life for money, fame, or power: Blake wants tools to fight for equality, Weiss wants to break away from her father, Yang wants an exciting life--they all have ulterior motives. But Raven didn't watch the full episode, all the way to when the girls acknowledge this around the campfire and make conscious (if silent) decisions not to be overly influenced by these motivations. They're fighting first and foremost because it's the right thing to do. Raven sees them as the "poster children" of Beacon academy, naive kids who are too blinded by their ideals to realize how cruel the world is, easily manipulated and then sacrificed by Ozpin. But she's the one who's blind here. The girls know more than they let on, they've acknowledge their failings and the world's... and they've decided to fight anyway.

For Team RWBY/JNPR  fighting Salem isn't impossible. It's just incredibly hard. Ruby, their leader, is the embodiment of this belief, reminding Oscar last episode that they have to keep moving forward. And it’s a sign of growth: Team RWBY is what Ozpin once hoped Team STRQ could be. Raven hates Ozpin because she sees a man sacrificing pawns to an unbeatable foe. Ozpin's allies love him because they see a man doing everything he can to defeat an incredibly powerful foe. But not an invincible one.

Of course, we don't have all the information yet. Raven says that she hates Ozpin for one more reason, for "what he did to my brother and me." The pacing of this scene is important, because Raven's second in command tells Yang and Weiss to go "see for themselves" what this horrible sin is and it's then that we get Raven soaring through the air in her bird form. It's been a big question for a while now: how can Qrow and Raven transform if they have other semblances? The reigning theory was that it had something to do with their tribe connection, but now it seems that this was, somehow, Oz's doing.

Oz is the Wizard theory, anyone?

Why Raven views being able to turn into a kickass bird as a bad thing, I don't know. Some aversion to magic perhaps? Is there a downside here? I’m rather confused as to how this is something bad... And I'd actually always assumed that Ruby and Yang knew about their uncle's ability, but we learn otherwise here. Why keep it from the girls then? Is it just because it's personal, like a semblance? Or does Qrow also view his transformations as something tainted... unnatural even? I hope this aversion is addressed. Perhaps it will tie back to this volume's focus on semblances. In that, if Team RWBY is truly Team STRQ 2.0, then Ozpin might well gift the girls with new abilities too, just as he did for Qrow and Raven. He's already admitted that there are heights to reach beyond merely unlocking and practicing your semblance--heights that he can perhaps unlock.

Which raises another interesting possibility: Could Summer do something extra? ... can Tai?

(And then here's prodigy Ruby with semblance, silver eyes, and potential magic powers on the way. Don't overload the small child lol. There needs to be some struggle.)

In the end, if Raven had hoped that her little talk would get Yang on her side she was very mistaken. She opens the portal and Yang drives them through without hesitation, right when Qrow is agonizing over what's happened to all his contacts. His panicked "Raven?" transforming into a simple, happy "...oh" was a blessing in two words.

Then. Then we're given the scene that watered my crops, cleared my skin, and has done all my other writing for me. Ren, Nora, and Ruby happily cooking up a huge dinner together, expecting a whole slew of fighters to show up with Qrow and intending to feed every one of them. Ruby burning the food despite Ren's warnings. Hearing Qrow calling her and knowing what was about to happen. It’s all great. 

I really love that Ruby was so nervous when she caught sight of Yang. Despite her letter last volume where she admits that running off to Haven was reckless, we haven't seen much about her thoughts on that decision. It all comes tumbling out here though. That a part of her regrets it, how sorry she is that she didn't wait for Yang, she should have tried to do more...everything. Not that Yang blames Ruby for any of that. She takes one look at her crying sister and runs to hug her, saying only, "I love you."

And Weiss... oh Weiss. How dare you question your place here. She looks discouraged for only a moment before Ruby (always perceptive) calls her over.

The episode ends with this.

And we're officially halfway through the volume. We've got Team RWY back together, much sooner than I expected, honestly. 

Now it's time to find Blake!

Other Details of Note

Of course Weiss can tell the difference between a crow and a raven. I mean yes, that was necessary for the plot, but still.

Weiss' "I know that you're really obnoxious" in response to Raven's attempts at hospitality. Pfff drag her.

Weiss' eye roll when Raven said she wouldn't be as "nice" next time they meet. Please.

Weiss' overt concern for Yang and saying straight out that it's okay if she's not okay and my god she was on fire this episode for someone mostly sticking to the background.

Yang telling Raven not to talk about "my family" that way. Raven is no longer a part of that picture and I want to cheer at how Yang is handling all this so far.

I also appreciate the contrast, visually, between Qrow's transformation and Raven's. Their 'reveals' are done in opposite directions and for opposite purposes: Qrow transforms while flying left to right across the screen and attempting to save his family; Raven transforms right to left while trying to keep Yang from hers. Nicely done there.

I forgot to mention this last time but... can we lay off the Nora + food jokes? It was funny before we learned she starved for most of her childhood. So yeah, comments about how she's going to eat everything in sight aren't so much a joke as a sign of trauma. Let the poor girl eat what she likes.

Yang cradles Weiss in "Lighting the Fire" the exact same way she cradles Ruby here. Yang is confirmed big sister to the entire RWBY/JNPR group.

Oscar's confused look that melts into understanding, courtesy of Ozpin. It's a subtle moment, but just another indication of how they're synching up. Lovely detail there.

[antmfunny]

1. Mirror Mirror on the Wall - Who’s the Selfiest Queen of All?

Tyra Banks bursts into the Top Model pad to rant about how shitty selfies are these days. She should know - she cruises Instagram endlessly.

She’s here to show the models how to take better mirror shots because sometimes you break up with your photographer boyfriend and have to learn to do the job yourself! (That is only partially a masturbation reference.)

Never mind that the judges constantly insist they’re not looking for an Instagram model, it’s the most practical outcome for most of these contestants, so you might as well set them up for a modicum of success.

Before the lesson commences, we get a pretty much irrelevant clip of Jeana talking about how much she loves Tyra while photos of Tyra scroll on the screen. It’s like, “Hey, guys, you remember Tyra, right?” YES. We have never forgotten Tyra or what she looks like but thanks for the glamor shots.

I don’t have an Instagram account because so many social media platforms come and go that I refused to join new ones past a certain point. By now, it’s clear Instagram is here to stay, so my current excuse is just stubbornness (I swear I’m not as old as Erin.) I’m not sure I’ve ever taken a proper mirror selfie before, and I want to be clear that I know that’s an obnoxious thing to say, that being THAT counter-culture is as obnoxious as someone who is constantly taking selfies.

All of that is to say, even though I don’t know the first thing about selfie excellence, Tyra’s tips all seem to make sense and be useful, and that’s NOT something I can about most other Tyra lessons, like that one about animal necks.

TYRA TIP No. 1: #SLAY

SLAY stands for So Look At Yourself. Evidently, a lot of amateurs look at the camera rather than making smize contact in the mirror, so Tyra encourages selfie-takers to find the shot on the phone, then look toward themselves.

TYRA TIP No. 2: #CIAO

CIAO stands for Crop It All Out. In a lot of mirror selfies, the most prominent part is the camera in the reflection. So Tyra encourages photo-takers to take the shot, then zoom in and crop the camera out.

It’s simple advice, but perhaps too difficult of an acronym since the models have no idea how to spell Ciao. Man, we’ve regressed a lot from the cycles where the winner gets a spread in Italian Vogue.

TYRA TIP No. 3: #DipItLow

Another way to avoid making the camera the focus of the shot is to place it so centrally. Tyra encourages the girls to hold the camera below the waist and tilt it upwards so people first look at the outfit they’re showing off, not the camera.

I don’t know why we don’t get a acronym here like the other two, that just seems lazy. What’s wrong with #DIL? Or if that’s too pickle-y, maybe #HILL (Hold It Low, Ladies) or #DTF (Dip That Fone).

Okay, now it’s time to put these tips into action, and Tyra has enlisted the help of Jourdan Dunn, a “super”model who didn’t think she wanted to be a model until she started watching ANTM as a teenager and decided, fuck it, this looks easy enough. Tyra gets excited as if Jourdan is some Top Model success story, but it’s not like she auditioned to be on the show - she instead chose the path of having a real career.

Jourdan seems like a fine guest and all, but if Tyra really wanted to bring on someone known for his mirror selfies, she should have looked no further than Cycle 22’s Dustin McNeer. As anyone who’s made the mistake of scrolling through the ANTM tag on Tumblr already knows, he takes mirror selfies on the daily and most definitely makes sure the focus of the photo is on something other than his cellphone. (Penis. I’m referring to his penis.)

For the challenge, the models will dress in Jourdan’s designer house sweats and take shots. The winner of the challenge will get her selfie shot on Jourdan’s Instagram page, which has 2 million followers.

Rio seems stoked, explaining that being featured on Jourdan’s account could get her “millions of followers.” To get millions of new followers, that’d mean that EVERY one of Jourdan’s followers would have to decide to follow Rio based on a single post. Especially after Rio’s snide comment about she doesn’t follow back most of her followers because they’re not interesting, I’d say there’s a FAT CHANCE of that. And unlike Rio, I don’t mean that in a fat-shamey way.

Speaking of fat, Khrystyana says that she got her follower count up by showing off her fat rolls. God, I love her.  

Meanwhile, Sandra got her follower count up by being beautiful and popular and all those other things Rio hates. She does well and probably should have won this challenge, except that the show was finally fixing to cut her, so they couldn’t let her win.

Erin’s getting full grandma edit this segment as she yet again moans that she doesn’t know anything about social media. After seeing Khrystyana and Sandra’s follower count, Erin’s is hilarious:

Hey, at least it exceeds her age… by one. I’m not sure why Erin finds taking a picture of herself to be so difficult, but she needs Khrystyana to come and literally guide her through the process. I love how they choose this shot of her to showcase with Khrystyana’s hand on Erin’s:

Can you really call that a selfie? That’s more like an assisted selfie, which is probably popular in the assisted living facility in which Erin resides. Tyra concludes that Erin needed a Selfie 1.0 lesson instead of the Selfie 2.0 lesson she offered the models. It’s true, Tyra is teaching selfies at a Harvard level. She is a professor of self-promotion (I’m not kidding) after all.

Fortunately for Erin, she does great at the real photoshoot, so Tyra gives her a pass. She still only receives her photo middle of the pack call-out-wise, though, which is not a good sign for her longevity if the judges correctly call it her best photo yet.  

Tyra also nails Kyla for ignoring her selfie rules, but hey, what do you expect from someone so stupid? Kyla doesn’t DipItLow, she doesn’t make it croppable… It’s one thing to tune out Drew Elliott, but THEE TYRA BANKS? She’s shitting out more gold than Shanice did after accidentally swallowing a bunch of paint at the shoot. It’s not a good look for Kyla since we know Tyra loves a girl who listens.

All right, time for the winner: it’s Jeana, because who needs hair when you’re wearing a hat and a hood simultaneously?! As a bonus prize, Jeana gets to keep the outfit she’s wearing, which is kind of like when you’re at a bar doing a brand promotion and they say, “You can keep the glass!” and you think, “But I don’t even want the glass.”

Okay, CIAO, everybody! And by that, I mean goodbye.

4 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 24 Ep. 8