#but of course those of us who r mentally ill I feel like deserve that compassion and that choice as well

[cyberkitty1]

Black Musician Reader

about a year and a half after your break up with miles you decided to focus on yourself and your career. making a plethora of songs and being openers for big artist’s.

your living your dream life; moving out of your apartment and getting a house, nothing too bug just something to fit you and your 2 dogs, working out to look better snd feel better about yourself and starting on the journey to better your mental health.

your manager and team have finally decided its time for you to have your first concert. you got to choose where it would be.

you were nervous and excited! these is a new chapter in your life sure you’ve done openers but your very own concert?? this is crazy.

brushing iff your outfit and fixing your hair hair one last time before you step out on stage. the moment you made your way to the middle the lights were blinding but once your eyes got used to it you could see everyone.

cheering your name with signs and pictures it was surreal. you were performing your very last song when you see him. you see him but he looks different, he’s not wearing his puffer or his messed up jordans. he’s wearing a sweater?? and a whole outfit.

you cant ignore the feeling of want and missing him. its been almost 2 years ; he’s always been in the back of your mind you couldn’t deny it and those last words he told you. that he wanted to change for you. did he really change? for you? really?

the concert came to an end it was a success. people gave you gifts and flowers you loved it all. just then someone knocked on your dressing room door.

“come in!” you calm in a loving tone before spinning your chair to see who it is. you were shocked to say the least.

it was miles standing with a big bouquet of your favorite flowers. you felt your heart melt a bit. “miles” he gives you an awkward smile “hey” he says scratching his neck”

“why are you here miles” you say standing keeping your hands at your sides in fists. you were nervous, so so nervous. he messed with his necklace. “remember when we broke up? i told you i would change and treat you better”

he walked toward you giving you the flowers. “ and im here to do just that” he say’s confidently. “miles-“ “no wait i went to therapy i got into a college i have a better relationship with my family, i don’t spray paint walls anymore i, i changed because i love you and i want you to give me another chance, please?”

you stare at him, you’ve missed him so much and the fact that he changed just for you? so he wouldn’t loose you? thats how much he loved you he was proving it to you, just like he said.

you missed him, the moment you broke up with him you wanted him back, you couldn’t just forget all the memories you made with him. there was no way it was going to happen.

“miles, are you being serious?” your eyes filled with tears. he felt anxious he knew how things ended and he knew what he did wrong.

you couldn’t help but let them fall as you give him a hug. he changed himself so he could be with you again? you expected him to just move on by now.

“im sorry about how we left everything, i know i could have been better to you, you didn’t deserve it. can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” he asks speaking into your hair as he hoods you tighter. “ of course miles ive missed you so much” you say through tears.

“ im so sorry for how i treated you, te amo mucho mami” he says wiping your tears. “ please dont do that again, if you need space ill give you space just talk to me, you cant just leave” you day beginning to get agitated.“ i will, i will. forgive me my love”

.

.

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🏷️: @soseoulol @shoyofroyoyoyo @pandoragalora @miles-42-morales @heavisdelulu @lilcassipuff @levanneisdumb @thebaddest @sussybaka10 @itsznanabanana @mallywally @missyysyx @c4nth3lp1t @sgmianne @miles4hour @ulovejayy @onginlove @buckleyverse @lexixiii @swaqlover @yoursidehismain @florencepughswife030196 @lethycia @edgyficuselastica @druiggf @onsimpshii @lovely-horror-show @vivsamortentia @leighs-gallery @remuslupinsno1slut @steve-harringtons-bitch @shurisbbymama @bunnybabylovesstuff @karmascute @c4rine @janaeby @mookiebutt @paraccosm @zkristuz @reflectionsinrealtime @mindymeeksrules @nagi3seastorm @popeheywardssecretgf @be3_Fl0w3er @piopio @hoodypunpurri @hiyoo-o @enchanting-violet @Dee.xo @sylisan @violettathewriter @ariellaa

rushed im sorrryyy

[groupwest]

Tw sui talk but not in a bad way don’t worry !

So Australian government is going to pass a voluntary assisted dying law in qld finally... which is awesome!!! Amazing fantastic very happy and in support of it but I have been reading the logistics of it all n can’t stop thinking abt like... why is “suicide” such a yucky awful taboo to everyone, why is it so different from a termanally ill persons wish to die on their own terms??? What is so bad and wrong and unacceptable about literally anyone’s wish for death? We have a lot of people on this earth! And people have free will. People have autonomy over their lives, why aren’t they allowed to have it over their deaths? Why does a person have to be “expected to die within 12 months” to be ~~allowed~~~ to kill themselves!? It just seems absurd to me and always has. I know it seems absurd to everyone I’ve ever talked abt it with, that it’s “illegal” to kill urself?! Ppl call suicide selfish but keeping someone on this earth in their body against their will seems to be the most selfish thing u could ask of anybody. Of course i have been there myself and I know that many people have these thoughts, and then later are glad they didn’t go thru with it, glad they r still here. But shouldn’t it still be so much more acceptable to talk about, it should not be hidden in shame. After my first attempt (I was 11) I never told anyone for so many years. I shouldered that pain by myself, as a child. It shouldn’t have to be this way! I should have been able to tell my mother, or anyone, and have a calm open discussion abt it, one where my reasons for doing so were heard and respected... I don’t know... I know it must be very hard to figure out where to draw the line, especially when you have to get a bunch of politicians to agree to what u r proposing... but I hope one day ppls decisions of how they live their life, and how they want to end it, will be truly respected and listened to. A persons life is theirs and theirs only. Death is no different. If anything it is far more personal, sacred, just as important and spectacular moment in one’s life as birth. And we r finally getting brave enough as a society to look death in the face, to not shy away, explore this path of our lives with curiosity, reverence, respect, compassion, love... we don’t need to be so afraid of the darkness anymore.

[the-sunflower-spaceman]

i do think it’s time we talk abt how there’s multiple kinds of holocaust denial.

disclaimer: I am not Romani or Sinti, so I will not be addressing the topic of the Pharimos. if I had to guess, since a similar proportion of Romani were killed (anywhere from 25 to 50% of the population in europe at the time) they’ll have similar feelings but I don’t want to speak for them.

there’s, of course, the kind you’re all familiar with—“the holocaust never happened,” etc etc. this isn’t actually the main kind of holocaust denial. most holocaust deniers recognize the holocaust did happen, but are still prone to downplaying its horrors.

the first main type of this is “Jewish people accounted for all 11 million victims.” this is relevant because jk-r is getting called out for retweeting one of these. the person she retweeted is Jewish, but it’s most often spouted by (non Romani) goyim, because this is, most generally speaking, how the Holocaust is taught. all victims of the holocaust deserve recognition. it’s truly foul to deny otherwise.

the second main is the polar opposite of the first—“other groups were targeted in the holocaust, so jews weren’t the main target of it.” this is many people’s response to the thing with jk-r I mentioned above, but it is in itself a form of holocaust denial that should be called out (and my primary reason for making this post)

it’s typically used to downplay Jewish people’s generational trauma. it is also wrong. hitler’s main targets were always Jews. he talks in mein kampf about his idea of Jewish Bolshevism, ie the idea that Jews were the natural enemy of the aryan people and were trying to take over the world. over half of the victims of the Holocaust were Jews (6.5mil out of 11mil).

the Nazis targeted “social outcasts” too, sure, but there is an entire different set of laws (the Nuremberg Laws) that labeled Jewish people specifically as a subhuman race and declared anyone with Jewish blood (and three years later, Romani and Sinti blood) to be a racial enemy of the state. even laws like the Law for the Prevention of Genetically Diseased Offspring (which is what was used to sterilize and later genocide disabled people, mentally ill people, addicts, and “social outcasts” like queer people and people who were nonwhite—particularly those who were mixed race—but not Jews or Romani) were motivated by the desire to create a perfect white race separate from the Jews.

denying that a genocide committed by someone who believed Jews were trying to take over the world in which over half of the victims were Jewish (on a continent where they made up maybe 5% of the population) was primarily targeted towards Jews, denying that it was primarily motivated by antisemitism? it’s holocaust denial and it’s meant to make Jewish people feel guilty for talking about the generational trauma that the Holocaust has left and downplay the true violence of antisemitism.

(goyim can interact but if you’re goyische and gadje i don’t want you to comment)

[enbyfication]

hi shy dom anon again. i realize that sounds so non-dominating of me omg like i mostly use kindness n stuff but i do get really into making my partner follow commands n say things i wanna hear. im slowly getting more into more intense mental things n its just the best to at least feel powerful in the bedroom even tho im the type of person to keep apologizing for existing in a space i belong to. i think we should have more sweet kind shy characters b shown as doms in their relationships its v hot n is interesting to explore that sort of thing in people. i was thinking along the lines of fan art stuff for sfw (adult) media but ig ill never really see that since ppl think small+nice = submissive and/or bottom, no exceptions, and any exceptions out there r wrong n cringe. i just wanna see myself out there 😔

ur totally right!! i lov those kinds of stories / concepts like they're some of my favourites i think it's a lot more of a?? genuine take on a lot of doms who r of course people with anxieties and like,, personalities outside of being a dom. u definitely deserve to feel seen && ur right it's such a good dynamic to portray !!

[c0rpseductor]

ive seen other people say this before and i don’t repeat this point out of like, any kind of animosity for kids, but i definitely don’t think it helps that a lot of the people spearheading these discussions are, like, 15-17 and haven’t done any of the academic reading.

and that’s not to say teenagers can’t have DID (obviously they can, it’s a lifelong disorder that begins in childhood), or that they shouldn’t be allowed to talk about it if they have it (everybody deserves to be able to talk about their mental health). but like...the trend of people who are young, misinformed, and only seem to halfway understand particularly sensational aspects of the disorder deciding to Lead Discourse is troubling to me, especially because then to a lot of people outside the community the disorder seems to be increasingly conflated with “teenage titktok cosplayers” and so on.

and once again, like, of course young people can and do have DID and realize at a young age they have it, and those kids deserve a voice. obviously having misconceptions about a condition you have doesn’t automatically mean you don’t have it, either. but it just seems really, like...unlikely to me that such a huge section of the community is young teenagers, so much so that i sometimes as an adult feel outnumbered by far. i’m only 25, and that’s one of the earlier ages when people usually begin to notice the presence of the disorder. I’M young for this, and i’m still trying to keep an open mind in case i’m wrong. why am i coming across so many 15 year olds?

and like, again, this is not something i want to be construed as “i think every teenager who claims to have DID is incorrect,” because that is NOT what i mean. there’s no reason to be skeptical of any individual teenager simply because of their age. but given the normal presentation and age of discovery, not every teenager in the community online has DID. a large portion of them may not. so in the aggregate, it is a worrying trend. and even solely focusing on the kids who DO have DID, the mental illness subculture that has been built around it is not healthy or conducive at all to recovery, and the expected behavioral standards within the subculture don’t translate well to people outside of it. 

like, ultimately i feel like a small subsection of very young people with DID who want to communicate about it in a particular way is being taken as representative by people who don’t have the condition, despite the fact that the typical age of awareness and/or diagnosis as a whole tends to skew older, and the way teenagers talk about it online is not how adults talk about it offline, or even sometimes online. it’s difficult for me as an adult to feel like i’m expected to adhere to standards of communication like signoffs or system names/tags that don’t make any sense to me, not only by the younger people who populate a lot of spaces about DID but by people without DID whose first exposure to the concept was through this subculture.

this is kind of a small portion of the problem in the post i just reblogged, but it is, like, concerning to me, because the way young people sometimes misrepresent DID snowballs really easily. it gets picked up by awful people in communities like r/FDC who use it as an excuse to indulge in shitty ableist bullying, and as the teenage tiktok DID community in particular grows it gets picked up by news outlets, too. i have seen MULTIPLE stories like that. the rampant spread of misinformation is a danger to our community offline, and this is not solely or even majorly the fault of children, but "radical inclusivity” really does lead to a far higher portion of kids attempting to involve themselves in the community than is probably appropriate, and that has ramifications for everyone with the disorder, online or off.

[transsexualhamlet]

the many sins of tokyo ghoul :re

or: 13 reasons why :re is fucking terrible not clickbait

Disclaimer: I think no matter how long this post gets I’m missing something, so let’s just outline the worst ones. And I mean to be transparent, the only reason I actually read :re was so I could make this post... (and bc i wanted to see the what, five panels of hide) Well, I couldn’t stand hating it without evidence beyond hearsay and General Vibes. But I knew it was gonna be bad, I knew it was going to ruin me jesus christ. Obviously I’m not hating on people that like it, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with genuinely enjoying it (I do genuinely enjoy parts of it, and by parts i mean chapters 1-50 with exceptions and 75) I think it’s wonderful if you can derive joy from it (lmao) but I can say that through my lens in life, there’s so much fucking wrong with this goddamn fucking piece of shit manga and I feel the need to yell about it because i am ✨autism✨ so let’s get going (this is r e a l l y long just a warning)

tl;dr Ishida stay in your fucking lane

1. Transphobia and Homophobia:

alright here we are first off with the big one and if I had to choose, one of Ishida’s greatest sins here. It’s quite unusual in mangas like these to have any sort of representation for such things in and of itself, and yeah of course that annoys me, but having no represntation at all is like so much better than getting actively harmful representation. Most manga that aren’t specifically about those things shy away from those topics, and it’s tiring but it’s normal. You wouldn’t want a mangaka to try to write about something like that without experience or informed opinions. So I say if you can’t write something correct, just don’t write something like that in at all. Ishida clearly,,, does not get this.

And it’s not just the case of Mutsuki, who, well, gets it bad enough, there are three full fucking trans characters Ishida made like, just to shit on. 

Big Madame- god, made like that specifically to perpetuate the predatory trans woman trope jesus christ is Ishida friends with JK fuckface Rowling. Ah yes the ugly, human trafficking, predatory, pedophilic killer that tried to make their male child more feminine? Has a dick. Really? Could you be a single bit more transparent about your fucking agenda here? I really don’t have to say much here.

Kanae von Fuckwald- Technically Ishida says here that basically this bitch was just like??? Pretending to be a guy for years just to what?? I don’t even know?? Get together with Tsukiyama? Cause he’s fucking gay or something? I don’t even get it but like i read this post yesterday and that’s a whole ass thermian argument. It’s like “oh well this is fine because well this person’s not actually trans and therefore the representation thing doesn’t apply”... it’s useless. You created the character that way and you made it intentionally to for whatever way promote this idea that people would “pretend” to be a different gender and that eventually they’ll realize that it’s a “lie” and they never really wanted it. This is what you’re saying about the real people who are,,, actually trans? Jesus christ. Also thinking that a twink like that would be trans? God yeah trans guys can be feminine but buddy that’s clearly not what you’re going for here.

And of course, Mutsuki- There’s just... so much wrong here. I mean like. Before we even get into anything about his character and what they did to him let me just discuss his entire design. Buddy like if you had to choose one person in that show to be trans that’s the least likely one. Ah yes, the feminine one. With the androgynous haircut and the shy disposition and the physical weakness compared to the others. God that’s like, a fujoshi’s take on ao3 of what character should be trans. As much as yeah of course, trans guys can be feminine, they are in no way obligated to be such and you shouldn’t make them more so to be more “believably” so. Ask any actual trans person ever. A character like that is just perpetuating the notion of trans guys being inherently more feminine or trying to pretend to be otherwise.ThEn, of course, there’s the ridiculous sexualization, infantilization and fetishization of this character, going through a thousand plot hurdles to make him constantly stripped, put in girls clothing, chased by perverts, assaulted, ET FUCKING CETERA. Give him a fUCKING BREAK. Creating this character the way he’s portrayed in canon (including so called backstory of murdering parents because of sexual and physical abuse) is perpetuating a notion that someone would be a trans guy because of internalized misogyny and/or trauma instead of because they’re just... a guy. It’s just it’s just it’s just Really bad. Plus taking his character, demonizing him and making him like, supposedly love haise (which i Really hate for a thousand reasons, god that’s like, a parent and child type relationship they have there not romantic,,, god,,,) try to like fucking murder touka and stop seeing sense, and then just... return him to being infantalized. God. Jesus christ fucking goddamn it I love Mutsuki and he deserves better.

Oh yeah and then the homophobia, this one’s smaller because... most of the trans people are here to go “it’s gay... wait it’s not Really gay so it’s ok” but I would like to leave a small note here for all the gay characters who got thrown under the bus not just in re but in the original, like, you know, Nico and shit? I really do not know shit about Nico but all the things about Jason? God if I had a thing for one person that you shouldn’t try to portray as representation it’s Jason. IDK what’s up with him and Naki but god it wasn’t healthy. (i’d like to say here that i love naki and i think naki deserves the world but honey there are better heroes than yamori) Anyway yeah I think that’s also bullshit and Ishida should stay in his fucking lane. (or her i guess, i just feel like it’s probably a guy bc of just... so much sexism)

Ok, now that we have the big one out of the way-

2. The mishandling of portrayals of various mental illnesses:

I’m not an expert on this one like I can say about the gays TM but just like in general, the whole manga’s very messy and portrays a lot of gritty stuff, and Ishida clearly attempts to throw in some mental illness for fun, but god fUcking damn it they’re bad. I couldn’t really even give you examples bc it’s pretty widespread and i’m stupid, but it was really like trump throwing paper towels “and you get a demonization, and you get an infantalization, and you get a butchered character, and you get a fetishization-”

3. Ishida having no fucking clue how science works

This particular factoid led me to have a very hard time reading this manga because it went from being about like, yknow, torture and fights and crying and stuff to weird experimentation bullshit and mutated whatever and everyone’s a hybrid now I guess. When I heard this thing about the quinxes, I thought that made no sense, because I was like “yeah but wait,,, how tf does that work didn’t Ishida say earlier that kagune literally were fueled by human meat isn’t that like the entire point the ccg is against?” and then Ishida’s explanation of how they’re not just exactly like Kaneki is that “oh yeah well there’s like, metal around it, so it’s different.” OH YEAH OK THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE NOW, THANKS.

The thing is... there’s no way of actually regulating that. You couldn’t move a kagune unless it was attached to your cells, and if it’s attached man, it’s attached and it’s part of you. Also yelling “frame two” won’t like make it any bigger lmao, either you’re gonna have it based on theoretical science in this universe or you’re going to have a dumb supernatural magic pokemon fight deal. The whole thing makes no sense. The science issue isn’t just about this either, it’s also about how the entire thing basically undermines the point of the whole story. When you blur the lines between human and ghoul with little to no real rules or basis in real science, every rule kind of just becomes cheap plot convenience.

So the Quinxes can eat human food unless they use their kagune too much, alright, but Kaneki couldn’t eat human food before he’d even ever used his though the only difference between their bodies was this,,, theoretical metal thing?? And Haise... was never really covered, before he went black hair emo bastard and like vored Eto, did he eat human food like the rest of the CCG? He certainly cooked it. And the squad that lived with him wasn’t aware he was a ghoul until he pulled out the kagune. So I’d assume so, but then how could he have a kagune, how could he survive when his body still was like that?

Is it the RC suppressents? Then couldn’t he just have taken those and lived as a human the entire time? Is that all he fucking needed, is that the only difference between human and ghoul? It doesn’t make sense and the rules are bent so much they don’t function anymore. Ishida like write down your rules somewhere even if they’re bullshit, they shouldn’t contradict each other.

Damn man I’m not even going to go into the dumbass rules of the half humans or the special fast aging thing or the fucking,,, folded up cells deal,,, or the Imagination Kagune, or the fucking,,, Dragon, or the zombie ghoul apocalypse or the “whole new species made of just kagune” i don’t even have the time it is fucking ridiculous and I can’t even with it. Physics. Laws of physics. If not biology, at least follow physics Ishida??? Please???? And if you’re not you need to do that consistently??

4. character glow ups actually being character glow downs 

(with the exception of nishiki, he baby now, and akira, i think her development was valid af)

God, this one gets me every time. Touka was cool. Touka was fucking badass, she had a complex character with many motivations and wants, and in the original having her eventually kind of soften bc of Kaneki is valid. But taking her and turning her into like literally nothing but Pretty Housewife Yearning For Husband At War? God, kill me. She’s a strong person. She can like Kaneki without the guy being her only character trait. Also uh, Touka and Kaneki being a couple was valid before this change, now I honestly can’t stomach it. Like they were the kind of “both bisexual” m/f couple that we stan. No longer I guess.

She’s the most egregious example, but I’d also like to point out Juuzou, not everything they changed about him is bad, honestly we fucking stan his knife legs, but he’s kind of like a rip off L now? You got rid of his ~unhinged~, we do not stan. I’m on the fence about him bc i think that kind of is a valid transition to adulthood and I guess he’s grown up, but again, why change his fucking hair color? What is the explanation for this?

Also Hinami. I mean, I don’t really care about her a lot in general, but it’s weird to see her as like an adult when Ayato emo boy looks like exactly the fucking same and they’re like,,, supposedly the same age. 

There are definitely more I’m missing here. Honestly, Hide was valid. God him with his fucking burlap sack. With a fucking lenny face on it. I can’t with him. That’s so Hide. But there were some bad ones.

5. one hair color change was my limit, enough said

black white black and white black white more white god bitch get some variety

6. Showing me great new characters and then promptly ruining them

And you can tell this one’s about quinx squad, my favorite bastard children. God, I love them. They’re the only good things about Re other than Hide and Haise and like everything else, Ishida took them and went “what if i *guts*” god why. I love these kids with all my heart. Why. Why. Why did you do that to Mutsuki. Why as soon as Haise isn’t in the room they all get themselves tangled up with pedos. Why they gotta break up the squad. Why make all of them lose all the wholesomeness and lessons they learned from Haise. Why do you ruin them all with weird unreciprocated random crushes on each other when they’re like basically siblings. Why fuckinG KILL SHIRAZU HE IS THE APPOINTED CHIEF DUMBASS OF THE SQUAD WHY HIM. WHY. WITH SO LITTLE IMPACT. YOU COULD FUCKING MISS IT SO EASILY. THAT’S NOT RIGHT. AND KANEKI JUST FUCKING ABANDONS THEM BC HE HAS HIS MEMORIES AGAIN N O ? NO ACTUALLY NO.

7. the casual racism and sexism :)

i just :) can you stop having girls constantly bring themselves down for being female :) and making them be oversexualized, less full characters :) always in some way connected to a guy :) more weak and hurt more often :) my fucking god :) also yeah it’s way less prevalent but there were a few racist caricatures thrown in there for taste if you don’t know how to draw lips just don’t

8. Ishida being too much of a pissbaby for a real death scene

Basically: undermining the impact of “deaths” fom the first series while also randomly and badly killing off new characters. Oh that character that died in the original in a really cinematic way that made you cry and think about the meaning of life and how beautifully tragic this story was? Oh lol they’re not Actually dead. (x10) Doing that with Hide (at least in the manga, not the anime, god root A really did it with him but we’re not talking about that) was valid, seeing as I love him your honor and in the manga one of the lessons that his character hinges on was like in chapter 75 to live on instead of giving up even if it hurts and all that... (this is obviously kind of the opposite from root A where his character was like more about sacrificing for kaneki since kaneki had already done so much, i think both are valid but we’re Talking About The Manga) he was done well. That was right (even though i think they should have done More of it) but there were so many characters this kind of thing was done to without the proper adjustment in the handling of the messages given here. 

Like with Koma and Irimi, who,,, honestly should have stayed dead because their entire character arc kinda ended there and showed how they were sorry for their actions and this was how they were making it up. And then they just like... come back. And fight more. Really? This wasn’t the only instance either, same deal with Shinohara (though him coming back made me cry) it like, kind of undermines it if you’re going to have Juuzou derive his character development from that. Either Juuzou gets to keep his unhinged and his dad, or he loses his dad for real and he also grows up. God guys choose. What’s the message you’re playing here. (at least they kept Yoshimura dead, his death made me cry and I would have stabbed something if it wasn’t real, probably Ishida.) And even with Kaneki himself, god, if he can’t die from being stabbed straight through the fucking eye, what COULD kill him? It really diminishes the anxiety you feel about “omg is this person gonna die i want them to be ok” if they basically evade the laws of physics and their own previous character arcs 70 times. I’m definitely forgetting more of the same, Ishida can’t write a good death, he needed the anime writers to do it for him.

9. Kaneki. Just. Kaneki. 

God they fucking butchered this man. I could go on about his character is weird and confusing in the manga from the beginning, but we’re focusing on mostly all his weird :re character development, the bad handling of Haise and his memories, and all his iterations.

Before I read :re, what I could glean from fanart and the occasional fic that wasn’t tagged properly was really confusing and kind of a mixed bag. I knew Haise was Kaneki but without his memories, now in the ccg trying to be a pacifist and going :DDDDD a lot yknow. And what I came up with in my own mind for that change was a deal of (this makes more sense with the anime canon tbh, the manga honestly doesn’t do any of this well) like Kaneki after The Shit Went Down With Hide (whichever canon you’d like to interpret that as) he basically realized that he really couldn’t be a ghoul, he didn’t want to be, he didn’t want to hurt people and he wanted to be happy and make other people happy instead of what he thought was right before (trying to fight to protect others on his own etc) because that mentality had gotten people he loved hurt, and well subconsciously I guess that kind of factored into his development into Haise and maybe caused his memory loss (along with the, yknow, shanked eye.) So when I started to read it that kind of checked out, this is what he’s trying so hard to be now. But then this whole bullshit of the whole other like, 37 different versions of kaneki complicated things. 

Haise was scared that when he got his memories back he would cease to be, well, Haise, and he would just like revert back to what he was before everything. Which I can understand him being scared of and I think was a good point in the plot for him to worry about that, but I was like “oh honey don’t worry that’s not how it works” and was kind of vying for him to eventually get his memories back, come to terms with the fact that those were his memories, he did do those things, he was half a ghoul, and maybe come back to his original fight of wanting to bring the humans and ghouls together, still caring about his human people in the ccg and all. That development was real, and it wouldn’t just go away if he got his memories back, he learned a lot and grew a lot and he has a different outlook on life now. Right?

Fucking wrong I guess. Dude gets his memories back (very ambiguously, it was really hard to tell when that even happened tbh) and like. Turns into a flaming ass looking like ebony darkness dementia raven way. Haise gone. Fucking completely. No trace left. Doesn’t care about his kids anymore. When he’s done with that and goes white again he’s just Kaneki again and there’s really not enough left of things that like, really wouldn’t go away? He loses the flair? The dumbass? The :D? The Extra? WHY? Why would those things go away? Haise shouldn’t have been right that he would disappear when he got back his memories. That killed me. I love Kaneki and all but H a i s e. He is my b o y. H i m. With his e n e r g y  s h o r t s. And his m o m. And his c o o k i n g. And his k i d s, I l o v e him. And Ishida doesn’t seem to realize that they’re... literally the same person. Haise isn’t just some stupid bastard occupying Kaneki’s body, he’s a valid part of Kaneki himself and to be honest, peak Kaneki. Should have stayed that way. Would have been great for Hide tbh. Not just having him pretty much revert to his old self, but basically respond equally to both names and balance the world between human and ghoul. I would have loved that. What happened for real? It doesn’t make sense and it breaks my heart.

Some people on the interwebz try to kind of even that whole deal out by trying to say he like, has DID, which although is obviously a valid thing, like, so does not apply to him. God I’m like so not an expert on this but I feel like it’s not that hard to tell. His 87 little Kanekis in his head aren’t separate personas, they’re metaphorical representations of his past morals, experiences, and ideologies that all conflict. Again Haise here is peak conflict because when he gets his memories back, he has all these different conflicting ideas that were all previously separate. They’re all him. Tortured Kaneki constantly yelling at him in Jason’s chamber is basically again, a metaphor for how he’s denying his ghoulhood and the trauma that he’s been dealt. It’s not that this dude still exists just the way he is ready to show up at any moment lmao. Ishida kind of dealt with that badly too because Haise really said

after his memories happened so I can see why people might, but it’s... not right, and it’s Ishida’s fault about that which is Incorrect

Also just blanket statement, black reaper Kaneki? Fuck him and all he stands for. 0% valid. I can excuse literally every other version of him. But wh y. God he leaves the room and Urie starts misusing his power and getting groomed by a pedo, Saiko is just, left behind and sad, Mutsuki gets captured by a perv and mentally destroyed again, Shirazu dies and the bitch is like like “lol it’s your fault” yeah helpful, die

10. P- the- the porn chapter-

Idk about you but that was so fucking unecessary??? Not even going off of how terribly awkward and weird it was to have it there when the opening was “i’m sad about my best friend who’s gonna get executed what do you do when you’re sad about your best friend” “i simply do not think of him or i might actually just curl up and die” “yo lmao same” “wanna fuck” Like ok um I’m biased bc i’m not straight but I like, really hated that. Even just flipping through the pages as fast as I could to get to the end of it like. God. It’s not a fucking hentai. I’m here for the plot. If you’re not gonna release the director’s cut of kaneki fucking voring hide, i don’t think i need to see 20 pages of straight fucking sex. And if you absolutely must have porn, kaneki is a fucking bottom. That man gets pegged do not try to prove otherwise. You started it out that way god I love how they’re like “oh god wait that looks kind of gay, the woman being dominant, better stop that right now” god Ishida not having a single iota of knowlege about his own characters aND THEN SHE GETS PREGNANT? NO. Excuse me. No. I just. I. Why. This isn’t. A fucking porno. This isn’t tentacle porn i swear oh my god kill me

11. Giving the wrong characters attention

Basically, redeeming characters that should have been redeemed and not going into/discussing characters that should have been redeemed/had more backstory. For example, Tsukiyama can go fucking die. I like, do not even care rich boy. I don’t understand how anyone could think he needed to be redeemed he’s just a gay attention whore who really needs to let this kid get on with his merry fucking life. I don’t care. I literally did not need to read three whole books about his dumbass hangup over eating Kaneki. Kaneki doesn’t fucking want you bitch move on. He didn’t need to be redeemed or seen to be in any way sympathetic, no one wanted it. Same with that bitch ass Furuta, he wasn’t really redeemed but he was given w a y too much time to play out his sob story. God man Rize doesn’t fucking want you. These gross ass simps. I swear.

On the other hand, I kind of liked Eto even though she’s a pile of shit, and I got mad when they didn’t really go into much about her. And you know who could have gotten much more screen time/development? TOUKA. God, I love her and she was just sitting around in the background being straight. Let her have some spicy development. Also obviously, Hide. He was... so underappreciated and underexplained? What happened with him? He didn’t just pick himself off the ground in the sewers and go ‘well i’d better get back to the ccg now’ we have a whole two years which are completely unexplained, most of which he was off mysteriously being involved in things but completely missing the eye of Haise and other major players. Where tf was he? How did he get around? What was he even doing??? I wanna know about that! Not all the characters I hate’s tragic backstories that make me feel 0% more sympathetic towards them :)

12. ARE WE ALL JUST GONNA COLLECTIVELY IGNORE THE WHOLE VORE THING???

Ok like i know i say “the entire reason I read :re was __” but like to be honest this was the turning point, I saw pictures of hide’s vore face and went like

So I was like “god fucking damn it ok, Ishida would you care to explain this to me” *cracks open re*

And then they DIDN’T.

Like. It’s actually laughable how much that entire situation was just glossed over. They gave that maybe like two pages. Like what. I. This manga has more sex scene than no homoing that. They just don’t even bother to. I feel like Ishida had that as a plot point but realized halfway in how it looked (i.e., really fucking gay) and decided that was something that he was just gonna, not deal with. Just act like that’s a completely normal heterosexual bro thing to do. Like of course anywhere would be pretty gay but Kaneki chose his face. His face. Like his face and his wholeass neck and his shoulders and nowhere else. (and assumedly like, his tongue, seeing as how the dude can’t talk... bruh) Dude really said extreme hickey. French kiss to the max. Ishida clearly did realize that generally, you can only get a bitten off face by,,, having your face bitten off, which is just inherently really fucking gay. Like, I’m just at a loss as to how it even makes sense. You wouldn’t think that the skin off his face, and specifically around his mouth, would really be the most nutritious thing to consume? I can get like the shoulders but generally you’d think something like his arm or leg would be 1.less inconvenient, and 2.much more logical and nutritious? But NO, Kaneki was like “you know what i’m gonna do? eat your Face” and hide’s like “lmao sounds cool”

(not to mention, wasn’t there another guy with a vore face somewhere? like that old guy in the ccg with the bigass turtleneck, i wanna know about him) But like... my bro Ishida went “yeah this happened but i’m going to cover it up with speech bubbles and the ends of panels guys they clearly had their socks on” Dude didn’t even TRY to explain otherwise. Like hey man, that’s pretty damn gay, you are kind of at liberty to either tell me why otherwise, or accept those implications and acknowledge them?? It’s really hilarious when you ignore it cause it’s like

kind of

pretty damn

WEAK of you to leave it at that fucking pissbaby

hmmmmmmmmm however could this happen i guess we’ll never know

13. What the fuck was even the plot omg

God I’ve been writing this post for like five hours so like, I’ll keep it short but like it made sense in the original, not to be like an anime fan but the anime made fucking sense (not re i mean like the original) this lore is so fucking stupid god, the horrors of the entire fucking dragon arc bleach my eyes, unresolved plotlines who???? (the whole ‘oh yeah also ur dying of old age’ thing etc, is kaneki like??? still doing that?? or was that randomly resolved with the whole spewing ovary bullshit i’m going to fucking kill myself) and to top it off, good job Ishida at a real fucking cheap ending. 

You gave them. Fake human. Really? They just come up with artificial human at the end. Kind of undermines the entire fucking story my guy. Ah yes throw out our whole plot. That was the whole tragedy. You gotta eat human. The ghouls have to eat human and that’s tragic bc they have to kill people or whatever. Or i guess they fucking don’t well fucking ok. God you could have just had them negotiate a kind of peace where the ghouls can get dead humans and such, there are plenty of them and no one has to kill anyone then, there could be a rule system for it, it would be messy but eventually everyone would be ok with it, and I think that would work a lot better than “quick fix i made some hamburger helper human you can eat it fine” guys wtf. It’s like Ishida started plotting out the ending for re approximately 2 hours before his deadline. Anyway yes I hate re and I love yelling about it thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[animepreferences]

P R E F E R E N C E #11 - D E P R E S S I O N

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WARNING - TRIGGER WARNING! IF YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS, THIS PROMPT MENTIONS THOSE TOPICS AND YOU SHOULD PROCEED WITH CAUTION KNOWING THAT IT WILL ABSOLUTELY BE MENTIONED! PLEASE DON’T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS CONTENT!

-

D A Z A I

“I don’t like this anymore than you do.” You would whisper, your eyes unmoving from the wall in front of you. Even though you would never once turn around to face him, you would still be able to detect his presence, his eyes burning holes into your back. “I know you don’t.” Dazai would murmur, his voice growing closer as his dull footsteps would inch near the bed. “I would be concerned if I felt you were enjoying living in the state of mind.” He would chuckle humorlessly, the bed dipping beneath you as he joined you in bed, his warm limbs entangling with your frigid ones. It was the first time he had tried to touch you in days simply because he had been trying to give you the space he felt you needed. He had realized his endeavors were futile, nevertheless, realizing a little too late that you needed him. You needed his touch, his presence, his words of encouragement. You needed him period. And he had let you down. It hadn’t been on purpose, but it had still happened. How were you ever going to forgive him? Would you be able to? “I understand why you don’t want to be around me though. I’m not angry. In fact, I understand. You have your own demons, you don’t need to shoulder mine.” You would state curtly, your voice faraway as you closed your eyes basking in the wonderful feeling of having him close to you again. His heart would quite literally crumble at your words. “I always want to be around you, my love. Your demons are my demons, just like mine are yours. We’re a team now, Y/N. I’m sorry I’ve left you alone in this to feel that way about me. I love you very, very much. And we both know that I don’t ever say that lightly.” You shivered as you felt his lips on your neck, his words hot against your cold skin. This touch alone was enough to make you forget for a fleeting second about how empty you were feeling. Surely, it wasn’t enough to cure your dark emotions, but it was a nice distraction-a bandaid, if you will. “Dazai, how do you do it? How do you feel like this constantly and still have the courage to do what you do?” You would ask very seriously, turning around to face him as your eyes bored into his. “Are you asking me what my muse is in existing? What keeps me going even when I feel like life is an endless void of suffering?” Dazai would inquire, taking you into his arms as he stared down at you with an indescribable emotion stirring in his features. All you could do was nod as you took in his ominous form, not sure you were really wanting an answer to the question that you were so painfully curious about. “It’s quite simple, really. My muse in getting up every morning and wanting to right my wrongs, my purpose to living in this cruel, dark world is nothing less or more than the love I have for you, Y/N.” Your heart would stop all together before propelling into an alarming rate knowing that the indistinguishable emotions in his face had been nothing but ardor and pure love for you. Dazai wasn’t typically one to let his exterior guard down, but for you it was nothing. He loved you. He really, really loved you. “And that is the exact reason why I know you’re going to get through this. Because I love you and I will never give up on you because you never gave up on me. We’re in this together now, my dear, sweet Y/N.” And with that, his lips would be crashing against yours with the most sincere, most gentle touch.

-

A K U T A G A WA

“Do you think I am a fool?” His words would pull you up short, your body freezing in place as you turned slowly on your heel to face him. His face would be stone cold, his expression unreadable as he stared intently at you. “Of course not.” You would whisper, your eyebrows furrowing together as you took in his unmoving expression. He was completely still. In fact, you had never seen Aku look so frozen in your life. You would be lying if you said it didn’t frighten you, for you knew this was the calm before a massive storm. “Then why are you lying to me.” Even though his words were supposed to come out as a question, you could hear the statement plain and simple behind his words. This was not a question, no. This was a confrontation. A confrontation that you were destined to lose. Gaping at him for a moment, your head would drop as the tears rushed to your eyes before you could fight it. You hated crying, but what you hated more was having to explain your actions. Why you hadn’t been eating, why you had been spending more time in bed than not, why you had been taking extra long showers and dissociating from Akutagawa for decent periods of time. Furthermore, you knew you were going to have to come clean about your trauma, your depression. You hated it. You hated it more than you could even bear. “I don’t want to lose you.” You would gasp, forcing yourself to look through your blurry vision at your unreadable boyfriend. “I-I-I am damaged goods. I haven’t been depressed since we’ve been together, but this is who I am. This is what I go through from time to time. And I-I really don’t want to lose you because of this.” You would force yourself to pull it together, taking a deep breath as you closed your eyes. You had mastered the art at stifling your emotions. You had mastered the art of pretending like you were okay. “Do you seriously think you’d lose me because of that?” Aku would ask, his tone cold and glaring. “Y/N. You are allowed to be depressed. You are allowed to feel other emotions other than happiness. That is what being human is. It’s not always perfect. It’s not always jubilant. You CANNOT control that. You can control being honest though, which you failed to do making you exceedingly selfish.” He was scolding you, but it wasn’t to parent you. He was scolding you because he felt slighted. He felt slighted and left out of the loop. And he had every right to feel that way, you couldn’t deny that. That made you feel even worse. “I never looked at it that way, I’m just so very ashamed of myself. I’m sorry, Akutagawa, truly.” As he stepped toward you, he let out a complicated sigh, the different emotions flitting across his face in a millisecond. “Typical me making you feel bad for being depressed. I’m not use to taking care of people and having people in my life the way I have you. I shouldn’t be frustrated with you when you’re suffering as you are. I’m the one that should be apologizing, not you.” Wrapping his arms around you as he enveloped you in a bone crushing hug, you would sigh gratefully at his touch. “We’re a mess.” You would laugh against his chest, smiling as you felt his body rumble with laughter as well. “You’re gonna get through this, you know that?” He would finally ask, pulling away to look sincerely at you. With his complete confidence and support, how could you not make it through a depressive stage? “As long as I have you anything is possible.”

-

C H U U Y A

“Are-Are you crying?” You would be horrified. Absolutely, positively horrified. For there stood your beloved boyfriend, the person whom which you adored with your entire soul and being and he would be crying. He would be crying and you wouldn’t know why. “Chuuya.” You would breathe, inching towards him as the pads of your thumbs brushed away his fallen tears. “W-What happened?” You would inquire, your breath hitching in your throat as his miserable eyes would connect with your own. “Y/N, what’s wrong with you?” He would speak, his words no softer than a broken whisper. “You’re growing so thin, you never sleep anymore, I can barely get you to eat or take a shower or do anything. I-I feel like you’re just a hallow version of yourself and I have no idea what to do or how to help you. I feel so helpless. All I want is to make you happy,” Pressing his fingertips gingerly against your cheeks, his eyes would be wild with desperation looking for the slightest bit of life in your dead eyes. Where was that spark? That light? He missed it so much. He missed you so much. Too much. “Chuuya, there’s something you should know.” You would sigh, pressing your forehead against his as you would slump with complete fatigue. You were exhausted, exhausted from the disorder, but you needed to find the courage, the strength to tell Chuuya everything. Furthermore, he deserved it. He deserved to know why you were hurting yourself and hurting him in the process. So, you would tell him. You would pour your complete heart out, starting from phase one. Starting from when you first got these feelings, how you had grown up with them, how you had suffered for an extensive period of time. Most importantly, you would assure him that none of it was his fault. That no matter what he had been telling himself, there was not a single thing that he could do to make your emotions go away. Little did you know that that wouldn’t sit well with him. Not. One. Bit. “You are wrong.” Chuuya would snap, letting go of your hand as he would pace back and forth his face complex with distress.

“Chuuya, no-“

“No, Y/N. I will not stand here and allow you to give up on yourself. We are going to fight this sickness head on. You are going to eat, I am going to make sure of it. We are going to be active, we’re going to get out and run and live. I am going to get you help, we’ll get you medicine or get you to a therapist if we have to. No longer am I going to let you sit here and be captive to your mind. From now on you are at MY mercy. And, Y/N, my dear, you aren’t going to like me. But you WILL thank me. Because I am going to get you through this.” You wouldn’t know what to say. You were terrified, relieved, angry, and overjoyed at the same time. Not once had someone ever taken you into consideration the way he was doing now. He loved you. He really, really loved you. “I swear to everything, Y/N, that if it is the last thing I do I will see that spark in your eye again. I promise you’ll be happy again.” Pulling you into his chest, he would hold on to you tight as you would bury yourself in the crook of his neck. Little did he know that the sparkle in your eyes, though very dim, were starting to make their return. And it was all thanks to him.

-

A/N: I know this is a little intense, but I like to write about things that are personal to me and I struggle tremendously with my mental health. Thank you for reading and I am very sorry if it was too much.

[my-faves-said-gay-rights]

Favourite IU Lyrics

To celebrate iu’s 12th anniversary and give her the appreciation she deserves, here are 10 of my favourite lyrics that iu has written (in no particular order):

Note: iu has so many writing credits and so many songs that are strong as a whole that I don’t think I could ever choose my favourite lines from all of them or ever actually make an ordered list of favourite to least favourite. Also keep in mind that these lyrics and songs are open to interpretation so how I describe them may be different to what you think. I’m just doing this for fun so please don’t get mad at me if I don’t include your faves, and hey maybe I’ll make a part 2 someday

1. Bad Day

“I feel someone’s body heat on the empty playground bench

Why is this warmth making me feel even colder?

I bury my face in my scrunched up shoulders

My hands that I hid in my pockets get cold”

Bad day is such a special song to me. It was with this song that I realised there was something special about iu’s writing. I just love the whole metaphor of a cold room being used to describe a bad day. She took a relatable concept and was able to create an extended metaphor out of it that somehow describes the feeling so well, a feeling that some may struggle to put into words. I have mental illnesses and we know that iu has struggled with mental illness too, so this just feels like a very personal song and that just makes it better. You know that she felt these things and poured her heart into this song.

2. Ending Scene

“As much as you were lonely

I really hope you meet someone

Who will love you more than you

I’m sorry that it wasn’t me

It’s not easy to give

Don’t say those words, please

You know those words hurt even more”

I’m usually not big into love or break up songs, but something about this just feels so unique and heartbreaking. It’s not a bitter break up where they hurt each other, the other person is wishing her the best and admitting that they’re not right for each other, but that just makes it worse because they are clearly a good person who cares for her. It’s just so well written and a new perspective and that’s something I really appreciate about iu.

3. Can’t Love You Anymore

“Where are you?

Where are you?

I’m home

I’m in a cab

Are you almost home?

Oh, I’m sorry

For what?

Just, everything

Go home

I left my wallet there

Oh, hey

Never mind

No, what is it?

I don’t think

we’re in love anymore”

How could I not include the iconic back and forth with iu and oh hyuk? This again feels like a unique break up song in that it’s so chill. There’s no big reason for it, they just simply fell out of love and are now unable to be like they were before and are just tired of being together. I think this part shows that so well because not only are the lyrics great but the delivery of them as well. It just sounds great and is fun to sing along to (or at least try to sing long).

4. Eight

“So are you happy now?

Finally happy now are you?

I’m the same

I think I’ve lost it all

Everything comes on it’s own and leaves without a goodbye

At this rate, I don’t want to love anything”

Eight aka song of the year starts off strong and stays that way throughout (thanks partly to yoongi of course). IU has lost two close friends these past couple years, and from the mv it seems clear that the song is talking about her memories with them, as well as being another song that focuses on her age and how she’s growing up. For those reasons these lyrics just really hit hard. IU is such a strong woman and I hope that she is able to create more truly happy memories.

5. Red Queen

“Children obviously but adults too

Even the things that don’t have life

Everything fell in love, fell in love with her

Her heart was that beautiful too

Even when she gazed

At the tiniest, poorest of things

Those passionless, depressing eyes

Used to sparkle so bright"

This is another song with a connection to sulli. IU said that she was inspired to write the song because of a drawing sulli did, and the lyrics seem like they are telling her story of going from being loved to hated by the public, especially as after she passed away iu changed the lyrics at her concert to pay tribute to her. This obviously makes the song more touching now, but there’s even more to appreciate. I really love the structure of the lyrics, how it’s like she’s telling a fun silly story but underneath it’s actually very dark. This is helped even more by the instrumental and vocals, which shouldn’t be surprising because we all know iu is a musical genius. Red queen is easily one of her best songs.

6. Blueming

“I’lltextyouwithoutanyspacesIthinkthisislove

A hundred roses, wanna make them bloom with me?

Let’s color the flowers however we want

So it’s beautiful even when it withers”

It was really really really hard to choose my favourite lyrics because there is so much going on in this song, every single line has something to appreciate. I love when art can take something simple and make it poetic, and that’s what iu does well. The song as a whole is about texting your crush, and she describes this as creating flowers in their chat room, blooming flowers together as their relationship also blooms. It’s simple yet effective. Again I’m not big into love songs but I can appreciate poetry when I see it and damn do I see it. And can we just take a moment to appreciate how cool that texting without spaces line is? In the mv they type out the hangul without any spaces just so we can see that she really did that, wow.

7. Greedyy

“Girls be ambitious, own more, whatever it may be

There are so many things that are such a waste to give to others

Everyone tells you the same line as if promised, be good

If you don’t wanna you don’t have to, don’t have to”

Now we love a good bit of female empowerment. This song is actually by jea and moonbyul, but iu wrote the lyrics (moonbyul wrote her own I think). I think it says a lot that iu wrote a song for another female singer and she decided to make it about ambition and taking what you want. It honestly gives me cindy from the producers vibes. This song is very underappreciated so please check it out!

8. Through The Night

“Just like letters on the sand

Where waves were

I feel you’ll disappear

To a far off place

I miss you again and miss you more”

Through the night actually had to take some time to grow on me, but now it is one of my favourite iu songs ever. I don’t know why but this song often makes me cry, it’s just so full of love and admiration for whoever it’s about and iu’s vocals help put so much emotion into it. I think I cry because I make up scenarios in my head that make it more personal and hurt more, and I think you can do that with a lot of iu’s songs which really helps the listeners experience. I think with the palette album iu really hit something with her writing, it’s so full of emotion and poetic techniques. I’m so happy palette won album of the year and this song won song of the year because they both really deserve it.

9. BBIBBI

“Yellow C A R D

If you cross this line, it’s a violation, beep

Keeping manners stop here, it’s ma ma ma mine

Please keep the la la la line

Hello stuP I D

If you cross that line, I’ll get serious, beep

Stop it, keep the distance

Cause we don’t know know know know

Comma we don’t owe owe owe owe (anything)”

An iconic song. Bbibbi is a song telling the public to stop giving hate to celebrities and to stop invading their privacy, but in true iu fashion she keeps it upbeat and strangely polite. This got iu a lot of attention and I think that proves how good she is at writing. She did something new and empowering while still keeping in line with her image, and people really responded to this. This was another song where it was very hard for me to choose the lyrics. I went with the chorus but I also really love the pre chorus where she is repeating negative comments she receives, I just think that’s really cool.

10. Leon

“My heart used to be quietly asleep

But why did you throw a stone,

making me wanna dance?

Please hide my shaking eyes,

my black sunglasses”

Now maybe it’s just because films are my biggest passion in the world, but I really love this song. This part is sung by park myung-soo (iu still wrote all the lyrics) and is meant to be from leon’s perspective. I really like how iu took full advantage of this song being a boy girl duet because it allowed her to write from both perspectives and have fun with it. Something about it actually reminds me of red queen and I just really enjoy the vibe. I’ve noticed that korean people seem to really like leon the professional and I find that interesting, especially as it’s about the relationship between a 12 year old girl and a grown professional assassin man, but that’s a conversation for another day. As it is, this is a great song that was very successful in korea, and queen iu deserves all the success and praise.

If you somehow read all this, thank you so much and please stream eight!

[lifewithborderline]

I guess I'd like to know if you have any advice on how to get over people who clearly don't want you in their lives? Like a lot of the time I'm okay, but then I feel the urge to come back, probably because I have literally nobody (I'm very wary of people and as such not good at meeting new people, and the ones I meet I always drive away a few months down the line anyway) and that can be lonely, but it's clear that they wanted me to leave and have no interest in ever seeing my face or hearing anything I say ever again. All they had to say was "You'll crawl back anyway 🙄". Like they don't want me, they hate me at best and feel completely indifferent towards me at worst, they never reached out to me, didn't check on me, they surely wanted to leave me anyway. But some part of me is like "What if you're a dumb bitch and just misinterpreting everything?" and like I know that that part is wrong and just saying shit because it's lonely and wants to annoy these people again even though that'd be selfish because they don't want me there. Plus even if it weren't selfish, I'm in the second to last year of school which means that in a year they'll leave me anyway and never talk to me again and if I got back with these people now it'd hurt me in a year again.

Also I feel like maybe it's important to say that a lot of these fallouts I have with people aren't directly related to BPD (I mean, some are, but not all) but instead to a trigger. I mean, I don't know if I should call it a trigger since technically I don't have diagnosed PTSD or CPTSD, but they're just things that make me remember traumatic memories that affect me a lot to this day and that shaped me as a person, and when I hear the phrase that makes me relive those things I usually get all anxious and my heart starts beating faster and I get hot flushes and I feel like I need to run away, like I need to run away from everything and everyone close to that phrase or it will happen again, like the situation will literally be recreated in real time by these people sooner or later, so I need to run away before it happens, I need to run because I'd rather die than go through all that again. So to others I suppose it looks like I freak out, start crying, either get really angry or look absent and start saying some wild shit (to me the things make complete sense because they're directly related to the things I went through, but I think that it may sound off-topic or nonsensical to others) and then it devolves into me apologising for no reason (my default response to someone doing something to me or blaming me for something is to apologise. In my life I've just learned that that's the best course of action to minimise the harm, along with just being quiet and taking everything), and then I just leave. Usually I don't show myself there / around the people ever again if those people and the place aren't something I have to be around. If it's like, family or school, I usually don't show up for a few months, often I just tell my doc that I feel totally like shit and suicidal and she sends me to a psych ward for like 3 months. I never really told anyone any of that because it's embarrassing. People already think that I'm a lunatic r*tard for having ADHD (not making this up. A part of my family literally thinks that I should be locked away specifically for that, and when I told some of my peers that I have ADHD, they literally said "You're a r*tard ? But you don't look like one! I thought you were smart!"), I don't need people laughing at me because I have some memories that probably wouldn't make others feel the way I do.

I am so sorry that there are cruel people in the world. I could rant about how they are the very thing they are calling you but ill save my breath. First I'd like to point out that you do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD to have triggers. Trauma affects us. Our minds are sensitive and take a long time to heal. It sounds like your trauma leads you to have panic attacks. I used to have that happen to me a lot, its lessened out now so I have maybe one or two a year.

I understand what you mean when you say that the person seems like they don't want you in their life, I've had people do that to me. But in all honesty, its so much better that they aren't in my life. I went through ups and downs when I left/they pushed me away. And I wanted to come crawling back to them. They knew I would and they wanted that because my person was a manipulative b*#$%. I know your person might not be the same as mine but if they don't wanna be in your life then they don't deserve to have you. You are amazing. And no one should be able to take that away from you or make you feel less.

I know its lonely not having friends. I suck at making friends. When I moved across the country for this person and for school I had no one. The person treated me like dirt. And I had no friends. Then I moved home and was excited to have my old friends again. Only to see they didn't care anymore. They had made other friends and wanted nothing to do with me. So I get it. But keep trying to make friends. My biggest thing for me is to be open with people about my mental health from the start. That way you see who stays a lot quicker in than if you were to not say anything till you felt attached. It still hurts to see people leave after you tell them but it hurts less. I know there are lots of jerks in this world but there are a few golden people left.

Now to answer your question of how to get over someone who doesn't want you. It is hard. It won't be easy to clear the hurt but its possible. Talking about to someone and explaining all the emotions helps. But when you don't have anyone who will listen or don't have a therapist then writing out everything is the best option. Write a letter to the person and vent everything you feel. Then you can send it or burn it. I did that a few times, and I burnt the letters. Other ways are providing yourself with some self care. Find something that helps you think clearly and calms you. For me its sitting next to the river near my home or sitting in a hot shower for an hour. It can be anything you find helps as long as its healthy.

I dont know if I answered your question or not but basically it will take time but small things will ease the pain. Don't bottle feelings and be willing to forgive. Forgiveness takes time, im still working on it after 1.5 years. But it will happen.

Thanks for asking and if I can help in anyway im just a message away. ❤

[phoebehalliwell]

So I LOVED your Sheridan and Warren fic!! The two of them are hilarious because that are just trying their best those poor boys! I had a hypothetical, so like in all those AU where Prue is wished alive in I Dream of Phoebe, what would happen in this situation? Would Prue go see her sisters or would she go find her kids? ALSO Prue as the boys magical (deceased) guide is Perf 👌🏻

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA tysm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love my boys so much i’m really trying to keep them like. like as removed from proper magic as possible bc i just think it’s really fucking funny to just follow two bimbos around as they try their best. i’ve also def like tinkered w canon a lil bit as explained in this post here only to keep them further away from aunts who could explain everything like they don’t even have a whitelighter bc paige was supposed to fill that role really the only person they have is prue who gave them a crash course when she unbound their powers as explained in this post and they will occasionally summon her but even then it’s less for advice and more bc like. they want 2 talk to their mom. and i do think prue will occasionally try to make like guest appearances on their birthday she’d def be a presence kinda like how grams was a presence for the girls if they had a book of shadows prue would do the flipping. but they don’t. she did guide their familiar to them!! the cat’s name is swizzlesticks and yes it is just kit again lmao. But. Ur Question. so basically in w&s’s origins jack raised them post prue death and like he kinda fucked off to japan for the rest of the show (sidenote both warren and sheridan are quasi fluent in japanese like jack the only difference is while jack uses his bilingual talents for business the twins almost exclusively use this ability to multitask while watching anime) so i think piper and phoebe had like Zero contact w their nephews and paige actually has never met them like she didn’t even really know they existed bc deadass just no one mentioned them. so like if prue is wished back to life in i dream of phoebe for starters she’s gonna know chris is piper and leo’s son bc she’s been keeping an ear to the ground and Heavily monitoring this chris situation before she assessed that he was good she spent a lot of time trying to figure out if a ghost should beat the shit out of an alive witch so idk who’s wishing prue alive in this specific au tbh u know what richard’s kinda off the shits this ep he’s probably wish prue back to life to try to prove to paige that she doesn’t have to be a charmed one she can just be paige :) and paige would lose her SHIT bc like oh my god that was not what she wanted and she’s so not ready to meet prue but here she is lmao and chris is freaking out bc now he really knows he’s altered the future in Major ways i think piper would see prue and immediately pass out and while i think prue would really really want to see her kids her first task would definitely be fixing the future and she would entirely dedicate herself to making sure wyatt doesn’t become evil but i think like she would pull chris aside and be like hi in your future where are my kids and chris would be like who? and prue would be like my sons?? warren & sheridan???? and chris would be like what?????? bc this whole time if wyatt was indeed not the eldest son like are you Fucking Kidding Me????? but no he’s never even heard of warren and sheridan bc in the dark future their powers were simply never unbound and they just continued to live as mortals and may or may not be dead depending on how good the witch finder bots are but like. i don’t think even if wyatt knew they existed he would want to find them bc that just draws attention to the fact they existed and he’s not the firstborn of the next gen so either they’re doing fine-ish all things considered or they just like died lowkey. but chris didn’t even was remotely aware of their existence. and i think this would kinda send prue into a bit of a tailspin bc her boys are so far removed from their legacy and their family (and they’re being raised by jack yikes!!) and she’s like no these are my kids but if she wants to get where they are she either needs to book a fight or find a whitelighter so i think this would specifically be a prue/paige adventure which is also nice bc paige is omnilingual and prue does not speak japanese so like. idk cute adventure. probably use some monster from japanese mythology to save either some smallish town or alternately a major city bc both of those r fun. i think if jack saw prue again he would start throwing things at her and stuff bc he’d be convinced this is some demon here to kill his kids just like they killed her bc haha that’s not a recurring nightmare lmao so i think prue would cast the truth spell right then and there to prove she’s really her which also leads to some good comedy and character development bc jack paige and prue are all under a truth spell and there is a lot unsaid between all of these characters with paige’s inferiority complex and prue and jack’s true feelings for each other and issues caused by prue’s death y’know blah blah blah but i think prue would really use this opportunity to bring warren & sheridan back into the fold so to speak and bring them to the manor and properly train them in the craft and tbh in this specific au i think prue and jack would actually end up together. bc in any other world i’m saying they literally just coparent like they’re fond of each other and will always love the other in like some way but it’s not like Love but i think here specifically it’s like. like the time spent apart where jack just like fucking wishes prue was there and realized what an absolute sap and hopeless romantic he is bc yeah he always like grand gestures and clowning around but like. warren and sheridan’s first steps? and jack was just fucking alone like ngl he almost cried bc he just wished. like prue should have been there. she would have been a great mom. she was a great mom. and his kids deserve their mom and like. he just wishes he could have shared that moment with her. completely unbeknownst to jack prue actually does like you know watch over them all and she’s just like. like blown away by jack. like never in a million years would she have thought he was capable of doing what he did. like. like wow man. and i think the combination of those two like actually having them together again and raising their kids i think romance would blossom again. and i think it would be this insane slowburn bc i think y’know like. like it only happened the first time bc jack pursued prue and was like stubborn and stupid and he like knew she was outta his league but it didn’t matter bc that relationship was just for funsies it was a fling it was never meant to be permanent but if jack were to pursue it know it’s be like. permanent. you know? and jack just doesn’t think prue feels the same way like jack’s a fuckin idiot he knows that and prue’s like a witch? like an insanely talented with and a successful photographer back from the dead don’t worry about it lmao and she just like. she takes the world by storm she balances her career and motherhood and saving the motherfucking world like how could she ever. she would never want to be with someone like jack like that’s just. it’s not in the cards. and prue on the other hand keeps waiting for the penny to drop she keeps waiting for like. jack to realize he doesn’t have to be here anymore. she’s convinced he’s gonna hop town and continue being the man she knew while she was alive now that he doesn’t have to keep watching over the kids now that he’s free in a way but that just never happens because jack doesn’t want to leave like those are his kids also he’s in love with prue lmao but she just can’t. she doesn’t get it. men leave. that’s what they do. that’s what they’ve literally always done she can’t like. she can’t open herself up to something serious only to have jack just ditch and leave her kids with the memory of his back walking out the door so she lowkey starts to push him away put her walls up which only furthers jack’s belief that this is never gonna happen but sometimes it’s like they’ll accidentally fall asleep on the couch together in the middle of the afternoon with the sunlight on them and they’ll wake up like Horribly Embarrassed like oh my god which they’re like this isnt weird okay like we have kids together they’re right there like. we have had sex multiples times before piper walking in on up taking a cat nap in the living room is literally it’s nothing!! oh but it so is something meanwhile phoebe the empath is about to lose her Fucking Shit like guys!!! guys!!!!!!!!! and piper’s just trying to reign her in like no don’t interfere bc piper knows prue’s fear of abandonment and she does not know this new iteration of jack she just remembers what he was like and she doesn’t want to see prue get hurt paige is on the opposite side bc she has literally never met any previous iteration of jack or prue and she’s like hello?? they’re in love?? and chris is like hi okay but like. the task at hand? and the girls are like no shh like trying to covertly spy on prue/jack/warren/sheridan/wyatt all playing in the solarium prue’s doing the telekinetic mobile thing again and jack’s expression of wonder is the same as his sons like !!!! and chris is like deadass i do not get it okay evil wyatt tho. but blah blah blah slow burn i think prue and jack would get married like s8. their wedding would replace paige and henry’s bc as mentioned before paige and henry having a wedding esp a wedding that early was like. dumb. but yeah. prue x jack brainrot. i’m mentally ill i love them so much.

[knovesstorytelling]

Murray Mysteries S1E3 Transcript

Episode 3. Dr Seward’s Clinical Hour

Written By May Toudic

Mina: Welcome to Murray Mysteries.

[Theme music plays.]

Mina: Hello everyone! And welcome back to the podcast. Today’s episode is something a little bit different. I promised variety, entertainment, and a healthy amount of educational content. So, we are branching out. I’m here with Dr. Jane Seward, who agreed to tell us about her job as a clinical psychiatrist and share some of her case notes with us.

Jane: Thank you for having me, Miss Murray. It’s a pleasure to be here. 

Mina: Thank you for coming. I know this can’t have been the most, um, comfortable location for us. First of all, how did you end up running a whole mental health institution at such a young age?

Jane: Oh, I, I guess I got lucky. I did quite a few internships during my degree, including at the institution I currently work at. They offered me a residency after graduation and then a permanent job. The previous director left soon after that and he offered me his position.

Mina: You must’ve done an amazing job to climb the ranks so quickly. I assume junior members of the staff usually aren’t a first pick for a job like this.

Jane: I do my best, but I wasn’t any more deserving than any of my colleagues.

Mina: Okay.

[She hums in thought.]

Mina: Now, can you tell us what your job entails exactly?

Jane: Mostly administrative tasks. The day to day running of an institution like this one requires a lot of paperwork. But I do get to take on a few patients to keep my skills sharp and conduct my research.

Mina: Wha— what kind of research?

Jane: I’m generally assigned to cases that can’t easily be diagnosed with anything in the handbook. I have a patient at the moment — oh, uh, you want to play the recordings?

Mina: If you don’t mind. Listeners, the very organized Dr. Seward has agreed to share some of the voice notes she takes on the job to keep track of her cases. We’ll still be here to interject if anything needs explaining, but for now, take it away Past Doctor.

[A beep.]

Jane (recording): Right. New patient in today, and a promising case. I’ll call him R in here for confidentiality purposes. Late 50’s, impressive physical strength, very excitable with periods of depression and some fixation we haven’t managed to pinpoint yet.

[A beep.]

Jane: R has been with us for a few days now and I’ve had the chance to get to know his case better. He displays signs of a few known disorders, but his symptoms are peculiar. He’s obsessed with animals, started collecting insects he found in his room and common areas. Spiders mostly. Some flies, even a few birds. He uses a lot of his own food to keep them alive, even if we upped his portions, so we’re somewhat worried about his nutrition. Although it seems like he’s, um. Eating some of them. Escalation is a concern in this case, especially since he’s started requesting other pets. He keeps asking for a cat, which we of course had to refuse. We’ll see how the situation evolves in the coming days, but this is an interesting case. Zoophagia, some kind of fixation, I need to do more research. There must’ve been a similar case somewhere, sometime. But if this hasn’t been documented yet, this could be big. Right, to the books.

[A beep.]

Mina: That is fascinating. Do you already have a diagnosis in mind?

Jane: There are a few possibilities, but I don’t want to favour a particular one until we have more information. I’m hopeful we can diagnosis in due time. It’s easier to treat a condition when we know what we’re treating.

Mina: Um. What happens if, uh, if it isn’t a known condition?

Jane: In the unlikely case this is something new, I do research. More research, and more research on top of that. Take a lot of notes, ask for a second opinion, then a third. Then I write a very long paper, have it peer-reviewed, and submit it to many, many, many academic journals.

Mina: That sounds like a lot of work. But, it would be rewarding, right?

Jane: A new illness is quite an important discovery, yes. But the well-being of the patient comes first, and the best thing for him would be to get diagnosed and treated for something that has a precedent.

Mina: Of course. Well. Ah, this has been a great talk! I’d love for you to come back and keep us updated if that’s okay with you.

Jane: Hem, yes. Yes, why not. I, I just.

Mina: Ah. I’ll make sure Lucy’s out.

Jane: Thank you.

Mina: Well, this was clinical hour with Dr. Jane Seward. Tune in next time for an update on R’s mysterious condition.

Jane: Oh, um. Goodbye!

[Jane leaves the room.]

Mina: I hope you all enjoyed that because this week’s personal update isn’t the cheeriest. Sorry. I know, I promised you, uh. Fun and entertainment. I just—

[She sighs.]

Mina: I’m worried. Talking to you makes me feel a little less... Alone. Like I’m not just, talking into the void. The past few days have been complicated. I haven’t heard from Jonathan in a while. At first, I figured he has no reception. The place he was headed to was in the middle of nowhere, so we figured this might happen. But. I still got nervous after days without signs of life. So I reached out to the boss at his firm, Mr. Hawkins, uh, to see if he knew anything. But he told me he just received an email from Jonathan saying he was leaving his client’s place. Just one line. No time frame, no flight details. Nothing.

[She sighs again.]

Mina: It’s not like, it’s not like J, I swear it’s not. He’s usually open and communicative. First Christmas after we got together, he went home to see his family and kept texting me about every single part of his day. When he woke up, what he dreamt about, what he had for breakfast, what the weather was like, what presents he’d found for his third cousin and the food—

Mina (laughingly): Oh God, so many food pictures.

Mina: Anyway. I tried to ignore it and, uh. Just wait for him to get back. But it’s been a few days now. And no matter how I think about it, there’s no way it would take that long to get from the Romania to UK. Mr. Hawkins hasn’t heard from him either, not since that one email. I keep thinking something’s happened to him. I get this… feeling of dread every time the phone rings.

[She lets out a quiet breath.]

Mina: I would normally talk to Lucy about this, she’s great at talking me out of a crisis, but she hasn’t been herself either. She’s sleepwalking almost every night. Her mum says it used to happen when she was a kid, but definitely not that much. We agreed to keep her bedroom door locked at night. I sleep in here with her so I can keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t try and get out. But that means I keep getting woken up by her moving around and I’m not sleeping much. Lucy’s mum thinks all the sleepwalkers gravitate towards roofs and cliffs and end up falling to their deaths. So far, Lucy’s only been wandering through the house and raiding the fridge, but uh. Better safe than sorry? 

Mina: She’s even more angsty than usual too. Art had to fly to the US, their dad’s not doing great, so she’s been dragging me into her schemes and making herself busy. If I have to spend one more night watching her do shots at the village pub, I might lock her in during the day. No, no I feel bad just saying it. But, come on! Even jigsaw puzzles aren’t worth all this. Especially not when she keeps getting distracted and sending Art pictures of the funny shapes. 

[A pause.]

Mina: The weather’s turning, I should— I should go check on her. I promise the next update will be more fun. I’ll do cartwheels or something.

Mina (whispering): Wait, no, you can’t see me.

Mina: Um, verbal cartwheels? I’ll— I’ll do those? Ugh. I’ll talk to you next week, when I’ve had time to figure out what verbal cartwheels are and how to do them. Bye!

[Theme music begins]

Credits: Murray Mysteries is a Knoves Storytelling production. This episode was written and produced by May Toudic and featured Drew Victorie as Mina Murray and Bebhinn Tankard as Dr. Jane Seward. Original music by Sophie K. Thank you for listening.

[simptasia]

lost characters based solely on how i portray them in my text post memes

jack: constantly crying and/or screaming. no emotional stability. no social skills. terrible bedside manner. endearingly bland. into powerful women. loves the red sox... a lot. daddy issues. doesn’t believe in himself. has shitty tattoos. being crushed under the weight of everybody’s expectations. more or less hot. he is not cool at all. repressed attraction to guys. chronic hero syndrome. adorably embarrassing as a dad. passionately and violently overreacts to the mere concept of people believing in things. mansplains but in a non malicious way because he is literally that oblivious. gets into fights a lot. dissociates in mirrors. gets injured a lot but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. thinking about caves

kate: desperate need to protect women. bi. is frustrated by jack and sawyer’s personalities but wants to fuck them oh so much. rowdy. feminist. biceps. will call you out. is love with claire and jack and sun and- she has a lot of love to give. she can be ur angel or ur devil. exasperated. doesn’t understand astrology but she’s trying. she’s the slytherin friend every hufflepuff needs. uses guns. doesn’t know how to cook. go to relationship advice is “dump him” or “suck his dick”.  just because you put things in her vagina doesn’t mean you know her. gemini

hurley: sad clown. haha laughter! hiding real pain! has debilitating mental illness. he’s doing his best to stay positive. virgin. genuinely kind soul. overwhelmed by food. awkward around girls he likes. much smarter and wiser than anybody thinks, including himself. a special boy who we all love. says dude a lot. the only valid rich person ever. doesn’t like himself. sees dead people. kinda silly. also he’s fat (but i don’t joke about it in a cruel way)

sawyer: compulsive need to nickname people. from the south. bewildered by charlie’s english slang. covering up vulnerability with jokes and being mean. loves juliet. is an asshole but a loveable asshole (this varies, mostly he’s an asshole). conventionally attractive to the point of boring. got a Thing going on with miles. can’t stand daniel being smart around him. babies freak him out. treats animals poorly

locke: very supportive and new agey type. i’ve made two jokes about him encouraging people to jack off, that wasn’t on purpose but Okay. he doesn’t know what its like to have friends. he says Deep Sounding but odd things. he’s super duper into nature. he suffers. he’s very forgiving of ben to the point of absurdity and he desperately wants ben to love and fuck him. or maybe they are fucking. Who Knows. he loves knifes

sayid: sexy, suffering shannon fucker. he doesn’t respect boone. his life is an endless parade of misery culminating in going on autopilot. respects women

jin: he has no idea what’s going on and his life revolves around sun

sun: beautiful. perfect. very passionate about gardening

claire: bi. frequently ignored. cutesy and sweet. super into astrology and new age stuff. her cheery demeanour can only hold on so long before she loses it. kinda dumb. has baby. vanilla, at least for now. loves charlie but is kinda frustrated by him. goes feral and “kitten thinks of murder all day” sums it up

charlie: that he needs attention and validation to survive would be a gross understatement. bi. trans. punk. stupid. english. really horny and slutty. adores music more than anything. drug addict (again, i refuse to be cruel). severe jealousy issues. inferiority superiority complex. hates himself but will get offended if you hate him. can’t take any form of criticism. is bewildered by sawyer’s american-isms. bit of a madonna whore complex. smol but will go the fuck off like a terrier nipping at ya heels. catholic and riddled with catholic guilt. goofy and obnoxious and he knows it. passive aggressive. terrified of bees. nice ass. mood swings. did i mention he’s short? anyway here’s wonderwall

ben: ugly. just plain terrible. beaten and bruised. seething with rage and pain on the inside. virgin. liar. just causes problems on purpose. resembles a lemur or rat, rodents in general. loves bunnies. doesn’t think sex is real. just a really bad idea for him to be around juliet. has no friends. doesn’t care about other people. says creepy shit just because. he knows he’s a terrible person. killed people. the friend nobody likes and a general nuisance to the other characters

(also my literal first text post meme about ben was a joke about him eating his parents??? 2014 sapphire, i wanna talk...)

juliet: mom friend. seems very calm but she’s screaming on the inside. basically she’s the This Is Fine meme. depressed. has big tits. low-key kinky. feminist in a very gentle way. has no ill will towards kate and will only fight her for fun. concerned for daniel’s well being. has no chemistry with jack. loves sawyer. flat measured calm way of speaking. she’s breaking apart at the seams but will offer you a nice glass of water :)))

michael: has a son..... uh...... enjoys minecraft?

(i’m sorry)

desmond: scottish. drinks. easily and constantly confused. magic psychic time powers, like visions and electromagnetic dimensional stuff. easily angered. fucked off by the concept of time and destiny in general. hhhhhhhot

smokey: Hello Fellow Humans I Promise This Is My Own Skin Haha

miles: bi. aro. loves money (trying to fill the hole in his heart with money and things). emo/punk. pretends not to care but he really does care. thinks emotions and romance are dumb but of course is emotional... and kinda wants love. but not that he LIKES you or anything. exasperated. thinks everybody else is weird. kinda slutty or at least trying to be. masochist and into BDSM. mean to daniel for no reason. daddy issues. resting bitch face. jaded, bitter and salty. responds to romantic things dan or char say with vulgar or mocking comments. grew up poor. can hear dead people. trying too hard to be edgy. deadpan snarker. Fuck Off I’m Not Sad Don’t Look At Me [cries only around the audience and his mom]

walt: becoming older than 10 was when things went downhill for him

shannon: seems vapid but is more than that. deeply insecure. feels she can’t do anything right. constantly put down as worthless by other people. yeah she’s sad but she Looks Great. wants sayid to pound her (mood)

(gee, that was dark)

richard: very old and ageless. sees ben as a son figure. really not holding it together. seems smart but he has no fucking idea whats going on. cult mindset. quips curtly back at miles’ vulgar jokes. in love with miles based on very little interaction. misses his dead wife. has a cute giggle. is also hot. overwhelmed and just wants to go into the jungle and scream

frank: doesn’t understand what anybody is talking about. the only normal person here. doesn’t understand these kids today with their weird kinks. just wants to sleep. pilot. bit of a conspiracy theorist

boone: bi. stupid. soaked in blood a lot.  (L I T E R A L L Y all of my boone jokes are about him being dumb and bi and horribly injured and combos of those. i haven’t even made any incest jokes! what the actual fuck)

ana lucia: “[with tears in her eyes] DO U WANNA FIGHT??”. highly volatile. lesbian. bros with jack but will roast him. angery, sad and underloved

daniel: bi, agender, neurodivergent, just, just especially brain weird. The Scientist trope but kind of a shitty scientist. smart. in love with charlotte. in love with desmond. likes rats a lot. talks weird and soft spoken. withdrawn and polite but with bursts of bitterness. his mom won’t let him live the live he wants to live. time travel weirdness. loves music. gifted kid burn out. has a mental and emotional collapse. thinks a hydrogen bomb will solve all his problems. skinny. touches people a lot. he’s not okay. romantic. overwhelmed. memory problems. his lack of life experience and softness is used to contrast miles. takes some statements literally. pretty vanilla (for now) and doesn’t know what certain kinks are. likes that charlotte is Tough & Rowdy. doesn’t swear much. bad hair. was unhinged in college. has radiation poisoning

libby: neurodivergent and in love with hurley

eko: yeah... i’ve legit only used him for jokes where charlie says something EXTREMELY vulgar and eko says “go to church”

charlotte: bi, loud, passionate, beautiful, angery, knows All The Languages, huge nerd, loves daniel and thinks he’s a Snack, outspoken feminist, archaeologist/anthropologist and wants to explore some fucking ruins, The Lost Lenore trope, loves chocolate, exasperated, great smile, subtly insecure, doesn’t get that she could just tell daniel how she feels, has had many indiana jones like adventures (off screen, of course), for example: crashing her dirtbike into all 7 wonders of the world

danielle: french and unhinged, has seen some shit

alex: just a young lady with no chill

jacob: suffers from terminal apathy. has little understand of human behaviour. doesn’t care about people. he just plain sucks. has no endearing qualities. causes many problems. beats the shit outta richard. doesn’t like technology. so removed from humanity that he’s a touch uncanny valley

christian, eloise, charles and anthony jokes each have their own kind of flavours but fuck it, i’ll sum them all up as: contemptuous cunts who deserve to die

aaron: just a baby boy. does baby things. has like 5 parents

vincent: a dog. a good boy. does he know more than he lets on? is he mysterious? no, he is just a dog

[caffeineivore]

Commission #6, Belatedly

For @d3fiant, who prompted R/J from an old ficverse.

Holly isn’t in this business for the ill-gotten means, as it were, he’s sure of it.

Of course, it’s not her real name, but then again, none of the women that Jack has come across in the last two years since the beginning of his acquaintance and association with D use their real names. Men in their world still have an easier time of it-- most bystander witnesses would not remember the likes of Noel, for example, beyond hulking shoulders rippling with tattoos, or Konstantin beyond polished but nondescript businessman with watchful eyes and a three-piece suit. Holly, on the other hand, has a face which could grace the covers of glossy magazines and a voice to match the black satin of her hair. He’d been able to pick her out from across a crowded room the minute he’d met her. 

He wonders if D has an affinity for herbology of some sort -- certainly, the aliases of his female associates are various types of flora-- all innocuous but deadly. Holly. Jessamine. Daphne. Belladonna. He’s not paid to wonder about it, or about Holly’s origins and habits and what makes her tick and what makes her smile, but a man convalescing from a gunshot wound is a man with nothing but time and his mind for company. Holly, certainly, does not bother to visit more than the bare minimum. Sensible girl.

She brings him his meals, though, three times a day. He is almost certain that wherever she’d brought him is not one of the usual safe houses-- his room locks from the outside and he is both too weak and too smart to attempt to explore outside the confines of the four walls. There is a shelf full of books for his entertainment as he recovers-- ranging from leather-bound classics to trashy paperback sci-fi novels to a good year’s worth of subscriptions to various magazines both pithy and frivolous-- Time. National Geographic. Better Homes and Gardens. Vogue. Us Weekly. The furniture is elegant and tasteful, running towards graceful antiques rather than the sleek and modern, but for all that, there’s no coziness to the room. The hermetically sealed window-- storm-paned glass-- looks out to a well-manicured expanse of yard featuring velvety lawns and neat beds of stately, formal flowers-- two banks of rose bushes, red and white, line up with the precision of soldiers, bordered by neat green hedges. The yard is completely bordered by tall, upright poplars, shielding it from view of prying eyes. It’s certainly too nicely-appointed of a property for the likes of the average safe house, which in Jack’s experience has always been as deliberately nondescript as possible down to the dun-coloured siding and the mid-sized minivan generally kept parked in the driveway. 

A clock-- one of those graceful silver-and-glass affairs with Roman numerals marking the hours-- ticks away at the top of the bookshelf, and just as the hour of noon, a key turns in the lock, and Holly walks in with a tray. She is always punctual on these thrice-daily visits: breakfast at eight, lunch at noon, dinner at six. Jack gives her his customary grin, which she does not return, and takes her in.

She’s wearing a cream-coloured silk blouse and a quiet knee-length skirt in dove-gray, with matching stilettos which are completely silenced by the plush of the carpet. No adornment aside from the ruby studs in her ears. Add in a leather handbag and perhaps a long coat in a neutral shade, and she’d blend in with any socialite out for lunch or shopping. He’d bet any money, though, that there’s a gun strapped to her leg under the skirt. She doesn’t know him any better than he knows her. And considering the last time he’d seen her wielding a Beretta 92 at a pursuing car’s tires, he’s well aware that she’s more than proficient with firearms. 

“What’s for lunch, Jill?” His inquiry, as intended, earns him a thinly veiled glare. She doesn’t look like a ‘Jill’ either, but it’s fun to get a reaction out of her. She’s normally so controlled. She sets the tray down on the desk, in precisely the same spot as his breakfast tray from earlier had been. 

“Grilled salmon and a whole wheat roll, with a spinach salad with blue cheese and cranberries on the side. Don’t call me Jill.” It’s always healthy, well-prepared food, and he thinks that it is perhaps the type of fare that she would eat. There’s a bottle of grapefruit juice to go along with his meal-- no wine, no beer. He has a mid-level craving for a greasy, juicy burger with everything but the kitchen sink piled into it and an icy, foamy lager, but he’d have to be somewhere other than this most well-appointed of prisons before he’d be able to indulge. 

“You gonna join me for lunch for once, sweetheart? Just a quick meal between friends and associates. I won’t bite.”

“I have a lot of other commitments this afternoon, and you have a checkup.” 

“Ah, yes. With the good doctor from the docks. You know, I do think she’s the only one of us who actually has no ulterior motives or hidden agendas. The only ‘good’ one, as it were. She didn’t even ask questions when you and Noel brought me in, did she? What a kind soul. What’s her name again?”

“Angelica. You seem to have a real problem remembering people’s names.” Holly doesn’t spare him a glance as she lays out a place setting-- complete with a snowy linen napkin and heavy silverware, arranged formally, and pours his grapefruit juice into a glass half-full of crushed ice. She definitely grew up in a household accustomed to formal meals, whatever she’s doing these days amusing herself by running recon or engaging in gunfights rather like some elegant version of a gun moll. 

“I will try harder.” Jack tucks his tongue in his cheek and admires the way her legs look in that prim, narrow skirt. “So that’s a no on joining me for lunch, huh?”

“Noel will be over in an hour to take you to physical therapy. You need to fully recover from your wounds, and will be of very little use to D if that gunshot takes you out of the game.”

“It would be a damned shame, wouldn’t it?” Jack cuts into the tender pink flesh of the salmon with his knife and fork. “I suppose I’d have to live out the rest of my days in boring, civilian anonymity. Probably learn how to mow lawns and weed gardens. Your yard is very nice. Who takes care of it?”

“I have a gardener on staff, and contract a landscaping company that handles the heavy work.”

“So this is your home, then. I feel so honoured to be a guest.” 

Perhaps she was not trying to tell him so much. Jack grins even as she scowls. “Don’t worry, beautiful. I know not to brag about our time together. Is it so wrong that since I am stuck here until I heal I try to get to know you better? I knew everything about everyone on my platoon, down to MacMillan’s allergies to cats and Patterson’s wife’s obsession with reality TV to Rosenberg’s fondness for gas station hostess cupcakes. We spent a lot of time together, often in close quarters, always with the same people. And besides, isn’t the point of being part of a team knowing and trusting your team members?”

“If you think that spouting off some corporate bullshit team-building synergy nonsense is going to persuade me, you are vastly mistaken. I’m not here to be your friend or your confidante. Just eat your lunch and get yourself ready to your physical therapy.” Holly, clearly at the end of her patience, tidies up the remnants of his last meal and drops his empty coffee cup onto the tray with an irritated clatter. “I have to deal with you when we are working together so as to not end up on the wrong side of a bullet. Outside of that, we’re not here to be buddy-buddy.”

She takes the tray and walks out of the room without a backward glance, and Jack listens to the sound of the lock turning in the door. He could, if he really wanted to, pick it with the tines of his dessert fork. Or smash through the window and rappel down the side of the house and take his chances. But it would be a pity on all levels-- at such an egregious breach of conduct, D would kill him, if Holly didn’t do so, first. And he’s almost certain if the day came that his life was forfeit to the syndicate, he’d deserve it, and never see it coming. 

He finishes his meal-- it is expertly prepared and delicious, after all-- and goes over his mental notes about the beautiful, deadly enigma whose somewhat unwilling hospitality he is currently imposed upon. Holly looks to be perhaps in her late twenties, born into great wealth and privilege, and on their first meeting, had spoken flawless French like a native Parisian. But her English is definitely American, with traces of New England society in its haughtier moments. Her hands are elegant and manicured, but he’d seen her just as gracefully snap the neck of one of the goons who’d attempted to corner her in the deserted warehouse. She handles hand-to-hand with the cool, business-like attitude of someone viewing it as a necessary evil, competently and skillfully, but not with any particular relish. He can’t quite pinpoint where she’d been trained, but the style is distinctly Asian, with its graceful stances and lethal strikes and kicks. Every little tidbit of information he gleans brings with it more questions, more interest. 

“You’re a hell of a woman, Jill.” Jack grins at nothing in particular and makes his way to the en-suite bathroom to wash up after his meal. There, too, no expense is spared-- the towels are plush, the fixtures pristine, and the soap and shampoo smell pleasantly of cloves and sandalwood. He is given a razor to shave every morning, but it’s always gone out of the bathroom by breakfast-- taken out with his dinner tray and the hamper of clothing. She trusts him enough, perhaps, to keep him in her home rather than a safe-house, but not enough to leave completely to his own devices. Perhaps she wonders about his background and motives like he does about hers.

Noel knocks on the door before unlocking it, right on time. The big guy is a lot less mysterious than Holly is-- Jack already knows the gist of his background. Former Irish mob, a bare-knuckle brawler with the big arms and shoulders to prove it. He’d seen Noel hot-wire a car on one occasion in all of seventy-five seconds, and also seen those big bruiser’s hands, skillful and gentle as a maiden aunt’s, fiddling with wires and microphones to bug an opponent’s office after they’d broken in. Noel doesn’t try to hide the Boston in his accent, or indeed the Galway when he’s particularly riled up. He’s been in D’s employ for two years longer than Jack has, and simply refers to the kingpin as “Boss man”. Quite efficiently, Noel wheels him down the hall, then into an actual elevator. He’s brought outside into a van bearing the name and logo of a dry cleaner’s and efficiently strapped in. Noel takes a circuitous route through town-- not that Jack can see anything from the back-- but at least deigns to play music during the drive. It’s unapologetic, kick-ass hard rock heavy on the guitar and drums, precisely the type of music that does not invite or facilitate conversation.

By the time the van’s doors are opened again, Jack is far, far away from the polished, glossy neighbourhood of Holly’s residence. Garbage-laden alleys and derelict buildings dot these tenements with urban blight, and the industrial building they’re parked in front of is pock-marked with graffiti and rust stains on the concrete walls. To get in, Noel has to swipe a keycard, then punch in a code. They wheel down a straight hallway bright with fluorescent lighting and Noel unlocks the next set of doors with two different keys. The clinic that Dr. Angelica runs, though, despite its singular location, is clean as a whistle, equipped with state-of-the-art technology. She meets them at the door, a petite, pretty woman with sad blue eyes and a wistful smile, and turns her attention to Jack.

“You’re looking well. How are you feeling?”

“A lot better than when I’d gotten shot, that’s for sure.” The bullet had hit him in the leg through the door of their escape vehicle, and Holly had taken control of the wheel from the passenger side even as he’d slammed on the brakes, nearly causing a spin-out. In the tense seconds that followed, though, she’d managed to fire off three shots through the open passenger side window, taking out their pursuer’s two front tires and the windshield. That car had rammed into a wall head-on, and she’d managed to keep him awake and alert for long enough for backup to arrive. He’d woken up, briefly, in this same clinic, groggy on meds, with Angelica patiently stitching him up. She’d taken the time to explain that he’d caught a bullet in the leg and was very fortunate that it had not nicked his femoral artery, but it would be awhile before he could be up and running again. He’d taken it as a matter of course-- really, if one were to think of it, he’d been fired at with a lot deadlier weapons back in the day with his platoon in war zones. A 9 millimeter in the leg from a gang member’s Glock could have been a land mine, or a hail of bullets from an AK-47. Then she’d put him under again, and he’d woken up in that room in Holly’s house some days later, disoriented but safe enough. A week and a half later, Holly still lets herself get annoyed with him whenever he teases her, and a small part of him finds that gratifying.

“I don’t have to explain how lucky you are, of course. With your background, I’m sure that you know. But with the right therapy and exercise, I don’t see why you wouldn’t make almost a full recovery in good time.” Angelica tells him after running some tests. “You are quite healthy otherwise, and you neither lost a lot of blood or received any extensive bone and tissue damage. A clean through-and-through, as we say. It certainly could have been a lot worse.”

“I could be floating facedown in the river, yeah,” Jack says drily. “How long are we talking, Doc?”

“For someone of your size and health, you can be up with crutches as soon as two weeks from now. If you maintain a healthy regimen of light but steady exercise on that leg, you should gain full mobility in another month after that.”

“Do you really think Holly will put up with me for that long?” Jack asks drolly. He isn’t quite sure how well the good Dr. Angelica knows Holly, but certainly the doctor knows enough of the syndicate’s business to not only ask no questions when he’d been brought in, but set up a whole secret clinic in the slums that runs as well as a trauma center in a major hospital. He’d heard of the Doc in the docks since he’d started, but until now, had never had occasion to meet her. “You know Holly, right? Black hair, red lipstick, very hot, keeps a Beretta on her at all times? She can’t stand me.”

Angelica’s lips twist into a faint smile. “If you say so. I know her of old. We roomed together freshman year at Yale. She’ll find a way to tolerate your company for as long as needed, I’m sure.”

Yet another tidbit of information about his elusive, fiery partner-of-sorts falls into his lap. It’s almost more exciting than the prospect of crutches in the next two weeks. Jack lets Angelica poke and prod some more, answers questions by rote, and counts down the hours until he can see her again. 

[ilovetowritei]

Part 1 - The Flowers

I don’t really know how posting on here works. I wrote this this morning, and I am writing the second part now. 

I guess a warning for mention of depression, medication and mental illness. 

I love Grizz and Sam on the Society. I think their dynamic is beautiful, and Sean Berdy and Jack Mulhern do an amazing job bringing their characters to life. I also find it highly improbable that Harry is the only one that suffers depression given their situation.

*******************

Grizz had been tending the flowers.

For six months, without help or prompting, he had been weeding and watering, pruning and coaxing the delicate little buds to life. He wasn’t really sure why he did it - it just felt like something that needed doing. The flowers might not serve a useful purpose, but they served an emotional one. They were beautiful, and a part of Grizz knew that that was enough.

He’d been back from the expedition two weeks. The shock of Allie’s blood sliding down her face still hit him every time he walked into town. His friend, the only person who had been able to step up and face the reality of this new place. He’d grown to see her as fierce, but in that moment, her pale face beneath a black beanie, she was vulnerable, a seventeen year old girl afraid of the school bullies.

Except now, they weren’t just ruling the school hallways. Lexie and Harry ruled the town, decided who did what and when. They decided, quite literally, who would live, and who would die. Grizz had moved back into his family home, isolated on the outskirts of town. He’d spent his time cleaning up his home, drawing maps to the land and mostly, trying to work out how they were going to survive.

But today was different. Something was tugging at his heart. The pain of loss was bubbling up inside him, threatening to overflow as it had been since the buses had dropped them here. So he walked to the one place he could think of where life was beautiful and simple. He walked to the gardens out behind the library, where his flowers grew.

Caught up in his thoughts, Grizz didn’t hear the heavy breaths coming from beneath the shade cloths. He didn’t notice the footprints pressed into the muddy ground. He pulled each peg from the cloth carefully and then threw the cloth back.

“Sam?! What the fuck?” Beneath the shade cloth, Sam was lying in the flower garden. Frozen weeds and dying buds were spread out beneath him. The boy looked up.

It was this look that showed Grizz that something was wrong. The last time he had seen Sam, his blue eyes had been clear, tears leaking silently from their corners. Now, lying in the garden bed, Sam’s eyes registered Grizz without comment, settling on Grizz for a moment before turning their stormy gaze back up to the clouds. No tears, but no light either.

“Sam? What are you doing?” Grizz tried again. He wasn’t looking, couldn’t read the words tumbling from his lips. Grizz felt every ounce of anger and hurt seep from his body as he nudged Sam gently. He leant over him slightly and signed.

Sam. What are you doing? The words still felt clumsy in his hands. Still, Sam registered them. His own hands rose from where they rested on his stomach, drawing pictures in the sky that Grizz couldn’t catch.

Slow down.

Sam looked at him properly for the first time. Grizz felt his eyes boring into his chest, measuring his worth. I don’t want to be here anymore.

For a moment, Grizz stood confused. “Then hop up. Go home.” But even as he spoke, a part of his heart started to shatter.

On this Earth. Living. Sam spoke the last word quietly as he signed it. Grizz’s hands went to his head, raking through his hair. Even before, Sam had always been full of life. A strong steady present in the back of the room, signing his sass to Becca and offering up sardonic grins whenever he made eye contact. Those grins had squeezed the air from Grizz’s lungs. They’d been his first indication that this was a boy he should stay away from, someone that could actually make him feel something.

This wasn’t the same boy in front of him. Sam’s body was long and thin, his hands and face pale against the rich soil. He was shivering, and Grizz noticed that there were new angles to his body. Angles that hadn’t been there… He shoved the thought from his head.

Why? Grizz was glad that his hands couldn’t betray his heart the way a crack in his voice surely would have. Tears had started to slide down Sam’s face and finally Grizz broke, reaching out to wipe them from his face. He pulled Sam up into a sitting positioning knelt down.

Why? His hands shook.

“I don’t know what to do. Allie is gone. Campbell is in charge. He’ll ruin everyone. It’s not just my life he can fuck with anymore. It’s everyones. I don’t know what I’m doing. He won’t let me go home. Won’t let me get any of my things, or any photos of us and mum and dad. He won’t even let me get my tablets.” Sam gulped.

“Tablets?”

“Medication.” Sam’s voice was soft. Grizz’s heart plummeted.

“He’s stopping you from getting your medication? For how long now?! This whole time?!” Grizz’s voice rose with anger. Sam swallowed.

“I weaned myself off of them at the start. I figured that I couldn’t keep relying on them. But it’s creeping back. I can feel it, under my skin.” Sam looked up at Grizz in desperation. He couldn’t take it any longer. Grizz reached out and took his face in his hands.

“Sam. What’s the medication for?”

D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N  Sam finger spelled the word slowly, trying to convince himself that this wasn’t some dirty secret. He’d never expressly hid it. It just wasn’t something people knew, particularly when you couldn’t communicate with them. Becca knew, had been supportive in his rough patches. But here in this new world, he didn’t know how to reach out to her. Didn’t know how to explain that despite everything changing, the sluggish feeling creeping through his veins was back.

Grizz looked at him intently for a moment. He hadn’t seen Sam properly since the goodbye. Around town he had looked hurried and tired, a sight Grizz had attributed to life with Eden. He hadn’t seen the pain in Sams gaze, the mindless working of his fingers when his brain was working overtime. He pulled Sam forward into his arms.

“I came to look at the flowers. After we got dropped here. I would come and look and they gave me hope. But then they started dying. And it felt like all the hope was gone. You were gone.” Sam’s voice cracked as he broke into sobs, body shivering against Grizz. He was wearing only a button down and jeans. Grizz shrugged out of his puffer jacket, wrapping it around Sam’s frame. A part of him smiled at the image - Sam wrapped in something of Grizz’s, swallowed by the size and warmth. An image he had dreamed of in their other lives.

You liked the flowers?

Yes. Sam watched Grizz warily.

“A garden and a library.” Grizz murmured. Two places of beauty.

“Cicero.” Grizz looked at Sam in surprise, shocked that he had remembered.

“Yeah.” Grizz watched him for a moment. “Eden right? That’s the baby’s name?”

Sam looked down at the mention of his family. Becca had noticed his slide in the last few days, settling into a routine with the baby allowing her to finally see the pain building in her friends soul. Last night he had told her, about Grizz and thanksgiving, about Grizz’s pain and the way he had left. Becca had cried with him. And then flicked his ear.

“Sam. You’re an asshole.” Sam looked at her in fear. “Why didn’t you just tell me? We could have worked this out. I wouldn’t have told everyone you were her dad-”

“NO!” Sam yelled, standing abruptly. “I am her dad. She’s mine!” Becca looked at him in shock. His face was red, tears and snot dribbling down it.

“That’s not what I meant. Of course you’re her dad. From the moment you held her, you were her dad.” She looked at him, pleading for him to understand. This was their family. She loved him, so much so that she wanted him to be happy even if it meant braving the ridicule she knew would come when people found out who the father really was. “I just want you to be happy. Tell him. Tell him and tell him if he tells anyone else I’ll kill him.” Tears streamed down her face.

“I am her father.” Sam was nothing if not stubborn. His heart was full of love for this baby.

“And you always will be. But you will also always be gay. We can’t hide that from her, or from anyone else. So tell him. You’ll always be her dad. But he deserves to know. Because one day, she will know too.” Sam looked at her and felt his heart continue to break.

“Yes. Eden.”

Beautiful.

“Grizz…” Sam wasn’t sure what to do. How to say what he wanted, needed to say.

“I get it. They’re your family.” Grizz stood, heart shattering as he wiped his nose against his sleeve. Sam was a good guy. Which meant family had to come first. “Look, I’ll find a way to get you some of that medication okay? If things are getting bad, better you have it and we work out a solution from there.” He stood and turned to walk away.

Some flowers weren’t his to tend. Sam would never, could never be his.

[gigmusicdscvr]

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED: THIS IS HOW GEN-Z RESPONSE YOUR CRITICISM CREATIVELY 

Sometime ago, Instagram recommended us to a magazine called Aspirants Magazine. Their instagram account is heaven for visual enthusiasts, with alluring color grading and beautiful portraits. Let alone, their commitment to pick interesting individuals to be featured. We contacted the editorial team and that was totally surprising to know that they are juggling this promising magazine with high school and managing the task mostly through computers and internet connection. 

We ended up talk to Danielle (D), Ndemazea (N), and Ry (R). So, prepare yourself to erase pessimistic ideas about millennials, specifically gen-Z, as they definitely do things and make changes too. This is #GIGCHAT, please enjoy! 

Tell us brief history about Aspirants Magazine? Also how do you manage the task among you three? 

D: Aspirants is an idea I had bouncing around in my head for a couple years before it was realized. One day, I was waiting in line in a grocery store and took note of the magazines and tabloids on the rack in the checkout line. I started thinking about how celebrities we’ve all seen hundreds of times before repeatedly get the spotlight. What about that person—that musician, artist, model, actor, filmmaker, photographer, athlete, what-have-you—who works just as hard but just hasn’t been given the same opportunities? Doesn’t every hardworking creative deserve a chance to be on the front cover of a magazine? I think they do. Hence, Aspirants Magazine. 

N: As cliche as it sounds, my involvement in Aspirants can be pinpointed into one specific instance: a text. I had received a message from Ry and Danielle talking about an idea they had been working on for a while, and from the moment I heard about it, I knew that Aspirants was something different and special. Naturally, with that in mind, I sent my response. The rest is history. 

R: Aspirants works to spotlight creatives who never really have gotten their time in the light before. By doing so we are also acknowledging differences such as class or race that lend themselves to differences in perception and experience. In terms of managing tasks, we have delegated roles among the three of us and team members that work with us on each issue. Ultimately though, everyone on the board is sort of a renaissance person in the sense that we’re all able to help each other outside of our delegated roles if needed.

Do you consider/refer Aspirants to be called as magazine or zine?

D: In terms of the publication, we prefer to call it a magazine. However, in November we are expanding our brand from just Aspirants Magazine to Aspirants Co, so you may refer to us as Aspirants Co!

N: We prefer to call the publication a magazine!

R: Publication is a magazine!

How do you choose or pick artists to be your feature story?

D: We keep a log of artists we collectively update. Usually, we’ll stumble across someone on social media or across the internet and recognize their good intentions and good work. Additionally, submissions are open for every issue!

N: It’s probably the easiest part of the job. The internet has made it easier to share our talents, and with so many talented people in the world, we don’t have to throw the stone very far to find leagues of people to feature. And of course, sometimes those people come to us.

Other than musicians/artists, do you also bring up socio-political activists in your magazine?  

D: Aspirants in itself tries its best to be nonpartisan, but we aim to amplify the voices of those who are fighting for what they believe.

Among artist/musicians/figures that you feature and interview, what you could learn from them? 

D: So, so much! I’m so inspired by all of them. For example, I interviewed Maunder, a musician featured in Issue Three, and what he had to say about his music really inspired me. His music emphasizes honesty. To me, also patience. He wasn’t in a rush to release music just because he could; he took his time until he felt comfortable to do so and is now making awesome jams. I think I need a reminder that sometimes it’s okay for me to take my time. 

N: I’ve learned so much from each and every feature we’ve done, but as a whole, I have seen that there’s nothing conventional about being an artist. Each issue will show you multiple ways to express yourself and there’s no wrong way to do it. Our features have taught me that being genuine is key to success. 

R: Each of the creators featured here are inspirational. At their core, many of our creators emphasize other people. They emphasize community. I think that we—as a publication—are incredibly privileged to be able to work with creators who so closely share our vision. 

You also make a printed version of your magazine, how do you distribute it and how do you perceived the printed version ones in this digital era? Anyway, for me myself, printed magazine might be bulky and spacy, but it really feels nostalgic and real, we love it.

N: We distribute and publish our magazine with the self-publishing company Lulu. For us, the difference between looking at something online and holding something in your hands is immense, and everything feels much more real when you can touch something that you’ve created or see your face on the page.

Do you guys do this magazine as a side project and looking at the development, do you consider to make it your full time focus? 

D: We’re juggling the high school grind alongside this company, so I suppose it could be considered a side project for now, but I think all three of us want to be able to make it a full-time focus of some kind. 

N: Aspirants is a full-time job that, because of the aforementioned high school grind, is our “side project”. But it’s our passion and as soon as we can, Aspirants will become a full-time gig. 

R: Right now, Aspirants is a side project in the sense that I’m currently in high school. However, Aspirants is honestly something I always have my mind on, and it will always be one of my top priorities. 

How do you create and manage this team, as for some reasons finding and having people with the same amount of passion and sacrifice for something like magazine or blog or certain projects with almost zero profit (in the beginning) is quite hard?  

D: Google Drive, ClickUp, and Discord. Without those three applications, we’d probably be significantly more scatterbrained than we already are. But to delve deeper, the passion thing is a great question. I have a lot of struggles with mental illness so finding that passion is often difficult. However, I just try to keep in mind that I have people counting on me and people that have been positively impacted because of what I do. It allows me take a deep breath and move forward, even if it’s slowly. Profit was never the ultimate goal to us. We agreed on that when we started. It’d be a great benefit and it is an aim, but it’s not endgame. I don’t rely on Aspirants for income, and I hope one day I will, but in the meantime I am okay with where things are now. 

Now, what advice you would like to give to anyone/readers who wants to create change and inspirations through media or magazine specifically? 

D: Find some people you trust and can bounce ideas off of and go for it. Get feedback, work hard, and take advantage of your resources. We live in an amazing transitional age of technology where each and every one of us has an opportunity to create something unprecedented through the internet. Use it. 

N: Never stop creating. There will be days when you feel like it’s not worth it and there will be days when you want to quit and there will be days you will lie down on the ground, staring at the ceiling, wondering why you ever decided to start. But it’s worth it. Because there will be days where you’ll get a comment from someone giving you a compliment on your work or you’ll sell your first piece or you’ll have a larger turnout than expected at your event, and you’ll realize why you do it. And you’ll keep going. 

R: As cliche as it sounds, I would tell people to just start doing. It’s different for each person depending on our access to certain things but ultimately, get started in whatever way you can, as soon as possible. 

We really love your social media and website layout also art works, they're really cool and we fancy the color grading.

D: Credits to Ry, the one and only. 

R: Thank you so much! 

Last, share your favorite songs/musicians/music with us!

D: Dude, that’s like the hardest question for me to answer. Right now I’m digging the music of Disclosure, The Internet, MANON, and Twenty One Pilots’ new album. You can keep up with my favorite new music on this Spotify playlist. 

N: “Favorite” is a hard word, but if I have to choose, it would be any song made by Noname ever. She’s a beautiful artist that has done nothing but be true to herself, and her newest album Room 25 is a work of art. 

R: I honestly can’t tell you what my favorite songs are—this is an incredibly hard question to answer. At the time being though, my favorite song is Generation Why by Conan Gray.

Aspirants Magazine is online and printed magazine. Order here if you’re interested to purchase their publications. 

[lonesandkorn]

Raindrops full of laughter - Chapter Preview 2

Not Proofread whatsoever          

         “H-hello..?” You’ve heard yourself say – the uncertainty transpiring through your voice.

           Still nothing. Then you heard an awkward rustling noise and something that sounded like someone shutting a door.

            “I-is this...uhm…Are you Unknown?” you tried again and pushed your long hair behind your ear.

            “Wait for a second….” You heard him breathing before he spoke again. “Alright. We can talk now.”

           His voice was low and deep, barely more than a whisper.

            “Are you there, yet?” Although his question was phrased rather neutral, you caught a glimpse of anxiety in his words. He must have been nervous as to whether you followed his instructions. Was he scared of something?

            “Huh? Ah-uhm no. I’m still on my way there. It will probably take me another 10 minutes to arrive… Should I call you back, then?” You resumed walking towards your destination and hoped he’d let you call him back. It would buy you some time to regain some of your composure.

           He let out a sigh. “You do know that you can’t call back an unknown call ID, right?” With that, he painfully put you back into place.

           You mentally face-palmed yourself as you moved “R-right… sorry.”

            “Yes, you should be. Yes… this is how it should be…” He seemed to mumble to himself. “It shouldn’t take you so long, to get to the park now, should it? Start walking a bit faster. You can do that for me, right?” Why was it that he needed to convince himself of the hierarchy between you two?

           You were already walking quite fast but still doubled your pace at his words. Heavy pants soon started to slip through your lips as you held the phone close to your ear. You didn’t hear him speak for another solid two minutes.

            “Tell me what you see right now.” You could feel that he was getting more and more anxious. Just what was waiting for you at that park?

            “Okay… There is a coffee shop at the corner, and I can see the Cherry-Tower from here. I think the park is right down this street. It shouldn’t be long, anymore.”

           He chuckled. “You’re so obedient. Usually, people wouldn’t run outside in the middle of the night, just because someone texted them. Maybe they aren’t stupid enough to be lured into the darkness of night...” His words were harsh, even if his tone was teasing.

           He was trying to provoke you, but you’ve been called worse than stupid. “Yes, you’re right.” The words slipped a little too easily over your tongue. They found their way through your lips without any effort, as they have numerous times before.

            “Am I, hm? So you would run outside like a stupid bitch whenever someone told you so?” His former teasing tone was gone, now. What was left, instead, was aggression. It confused you for a moment. You didn’t know where you went wrong.

           Until you did. Ah – so that was what he had really been asking you.

           It was funny, how he was so desperate for your reassurance …

             “You’re not somebody. I wouldn’t do this for just anybody. I did it because it was you who asked.” You said it without stuttering, you said it without blinking. You said it because you were trained to say it when you had to – and it always had the same effect: It kept you alive.

            “Of course, I knew you’d see that, too. Most people wouldn’t be able to understand your way of reasoning. But I, I understand them. Because deep down, we’re the same. We are both bad and ill at heart…. Ah – I can hear a Christmas jingle playing in the background. You better not cry. Santa Claus doesn’t give crying children gifts. Santa Claus knows who is a good child or a bad child ~ beautiful, isn’t it? It reminds me of how much I hate Christmas.”

           You stopped for a second. His voice was hitching. The way it did when he was aggravated.  

            “I used to be a bad child and never got any Christmas presents. Don’t you think it’s unfair that bad children don’t get anything from Santa? They are just stupid children, Santa should give everyone presents. Don’t you think?”

           He laughed, but there was no joy in his voice.

            “So I decided to give presents to only the bad children. The worse, the better. Don’t you think that’s only just?” you hear him tapping his fingers against a surface. A nervous habit, perhaps?

           You kept silent. Trying to soak in every information you could get about him. Anything was fine.

            “And what better gift could there be than salvation…? Haha… I wonder though If I’m the only one giving gifts… Whom would I receive something from, then? ... Santa, do you really think he knows who is bad and who isn’t?” He suddenly sounded like a wounded, small child, on the verge of crying. Why was it so important to him what you were thinking?

            “I… maybe.” Your voice became small. You didn’t really think that Santa was existing and the thought of someone constantly watching you and keeping track of your actions was rather scary to you.

           He groaned irritated. “Then why doesn’t he give me anything? Who does he think he is, to not give me a present? I’ve been so good; I’ve been doing so much good, helped so many people. Don’t you think I deserve something from Santa?” He was asking for your opinion, again. Specifically, he asked for your opinion about him, again.

           You thought back to the conversation you had with your sister.

            “He’s more a mash-up of too many songs that are not quite in tune with each other. But I feel like... Like the melody that connects those pieces is a beautiful and pure one…”

            “….I do.” You eventually answered.

            “Yes…Of course, you think so, too. You mustn’t have gotten much from Santa, either, am I right? But don’t worry, I will be your Santa Claus this Christmas, so make sure to tell me your wishes. If you’re naughty, I may fulfil them all.” He laughed, again. A bit more relieved, than before.

         Your wishes…. There was only one thing you wished for…Answers. “I-I want more information. Why you made me join the RFA. Who you are and if you…. If you’re dangerous…?” Was this too much to ask for?

           Apparently so, yes.

            He growled like angry thunder. “This isn’t fun at all.”

Your natural reflexes kicked in. Upon hearing his threatening voice, you went stiff as a stick within a second. Your hands jerked to the sides of your body, as to force yourself to not cover your middle.

            “P-Please don’t shout. I’ll be good. I’ll be good.” The voice of your younger self -whined into the speaker.

           He was quiet for a few seconds. Calming himself down.

            “What face are you making right now? I want to see….So bad. I… want to know.”

           You weren’t yet ready to talk again. He had only needed seconds to calm down. But for you, this was difficult.

           Come on, just count to ten. Just count… One...

             “I ASKED YOU SOMETHING!” His loud and cracking voice cut right through your routine and your switch right back to being a child again.

             “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. I’ll make it up to you; It was my fault.” You hated yourself for reacting like this. You hated yourself for being arrogant enough to think you’d be getting better with every day.

            He seemed to be both pleased, and sorry. However, he was hiding the latter behind his words.

             “I forgive you because I’m a good person, someone that can lead you towards salvation – I shouldn’t have said that. You will learn about this on your own when you get here.”

           There he goes again with this salvation thing. When you received his first messages, he talked about his religion. Was this salvation a part of this?

           So he was still planning on extracting you from the RFA again, as soon as he accomplished whatever he had planned to.

            “… And when will that be?” You tried to sound anticipating –making him talk.

             “Soon, I hope.” He only vaguely responded. You knew you were hitting a wall but were not yet ready to stop here.

             “Why me?” You tried, instead.

            He chuckled. “Because I found you.”

            You sigh. He was right. He did find you. He wanted you to join the RFA so desperately but was also eager to get you out of there. Why? What did he know, that you didn’t? Did he really hate all of them?

           You thought back to the last months with them. Without knowing exactly when, you had started to consider them your family. When you came to Korea, you felt like you couldn’t do anything on your own. But they helped you to improve yourself every day. You felt like they were good people. People that you could stay with, even if you still had to hide your fucked up side. But for them, you were willing to do that.

            “…What about the rest of the RFA?”

            He didn’t hesitate when he answered as if this had been clear from the very start. “That depends. They can join us, too, or they can burn together with the redhead.”

           Your hunch about Seven proved itself somewhat right. So he was involved in all of this. “The Redhead…? Do you know him?”

           He laughed, but it sounded like slapping two pieces of metal together. “I don’t. I just know the him that he once was. Although he would never tell you this because he is a liar. Unlike me. I would never lie to you.” He sounded frustrated again, but this time, not because of you.

           If this was true. If you really were to believe him…Then… “Then… will you hurt me, or my sister?” You tried to keep your voice as soft as possible.

            “No. I will save you.” And without a doubt, you believed that this was legitimately what he thought. He would never hurt you intentionally. But you also knew that things like intention were never that easy. He could –and probably would tell himself that it was necessary. That he did for his kind of salvation. And as much as you wished that you had learnt from your past, you still….Wanted to believe him.

            “Arghh…This stupid Christmas carol is giving me headaches. How long are you going to make me listen to it?!” He slammed his fist against something. You suddenly felt his fear. Was he afraid….of Christmas?

           You started running.

            “I’m sorry, I can… I can…. I can see the entrance of the park!”

           The park was, due to the unfavourable time, deserted.

            “Good. Very good. Once you’re inside, walk towards the season pavilion. There is a wide field around it. Tell me when you’re there.”

            You walked it quietness, the sound of the pebbles underneath the shoes the only thing that was cutting through the silence between you two. The Pavilion looked like it had already seen better days, but the surroundings were well maintained. The snows had been brushed off every surface so that visiting people could sit down if they wanted to. All the walkways had been cleared of snow, as well.

           You were the first one to speak again. “I’m there. What should I do, now?”

            “Haha, you’re already awaiting my orders? How cute. Say, what do you think will happen, now?” He said it with some kind of morbid fascination which caused you to turn around in paranoia.

            “Are you nervous? Anxious? Scared? What are you thinking right now? Are you turning around, helplessly wondering whether I’m waiting for you in a corner?” He chuckled. It was a dark, and grim sound.

           You heard something rustling from behind. Steps –heavy sounds coming from thick boots that were lazily walking through the park.

            “Do you think, that I’ll come and get you right now?” He breathed into the phone like a pervert.

            This was suddenly going in the wrong direction. Definitely wrong.

           The sickening feeling in your stomach solidified with every exaggerated sound coming from behind. You not only felt like you were being watched, but you also definitely heard someone behind you.

            “Turn around, little princess. And take a good look.” He whispered into your ear.

            You couldn’t.

           You couldn’t lift your feet off the ground, you couldn’t even move your head to look over your shoulders. Whatever had been trying to approach you, now stopped moving. Possibly waiting for you. No. He was waiting for you. He didn’t need a dark alleyway to mug you, nobody was here inside this park. Nobody would hear you scream.

            “I’m sorry.” You felt a sting inside your eyes and your knees becoming rubber. “I don’t think I can do that.” You wanted to cry, but the more scared you felt, the more your inner walls kept trying to hold your feelings in.

           It hit you all at once.

           You were nothing but a severely underpowered heroine in her own story, not knowing what she pitted herself against. It made you feel vulnerable and exposed. As if you were back to continually running and hiding. Like the scared little girl that you were, hiding from your father.

           You forgot to breathe.

           His chuckles died right on the spot.

             “Is this how you show your gratitude?”

           Your head felt light.

           You inhale sharply and try to wash away the feelings inside with the cold fresh air in your lungs. To no avail. You felt small –wanted to cower behind cover and hide. Something –anything.

            “Look.Behind.You.”

           You wanted to throw up. You tried to run, even if there was nothing waiting for you. The thick walls of your castle were dangerously creaking under the heavy pressure of your emotions.

           Get a grip and calm down.

           You counted to ten. Twice.

           Once you felt the earth underneath your feet again, you were able to respond.

            “Ok.”

           One breath, two breaths. You turned around and stared right into the grim looking face of the night. An ugly gasp was escaping your mouth.

           You heard him then –on the phone. Laughing. Cackling. Having the time of his life while you felt sick and dead inside.

            “Did you…! Did you…! Did you think I’d be standing there?!” He had to pause after every word to catch his breath again. “You’re standing in the middle of a god damned park in the middle of the night, thinking I’d be there? Moving my ass through that horrible cold weather just to see you?”

           You felt numb.

            “This is… This is gold!” He was almost hyperventilating from his own laughter.

           But you felt nothing, anymore. Stripped yourself off any emotion. Made yourself to be a shell for that other you to slip into.

            “Thank you. I knew that talking to you would make me feel better. You’ve now officially repaid your debt regarding my effort last night. Now, do me a favour and look for a flowering bush to your left. There should be at least one.” This… was not the person you wanted to help. Whatever had gotten into him, this was not the guy you would continue to lie for.

           ….then why did you still go and look for those flowers?

          “I can see them.” You said in an overly monotone voice.

            “Do you like flowers?” He didn’t seem to be aware of your sudden mood swing and even sounded exited.

            “Yes.” You pressed through your teeth.

            “Do you know the name of the flowering bush? In front of you?” He asked.

            “No.” And you didn’t care, either.

            “It’s honeysuckle. A sort of Woodbine.” He kept on babbling.

            “Ok.” Silence.

            “Ok, she says. Do you know their meaning?” He was getting upset with you.

            “Alas, no.” You took a closer look at the little flowers that were blooming in the depth of winter. They were kind of beautiful. And sturdy. Everything you wished to be.

            “It’s ok. It means generosity. As you have paid off your debt without fussing, I want to give you something back. For free. Am I not a kind person?”

           Again, he had to make sure that you didn’t think ill of him.

            “Yes.”

              “You’re not very talkative right now… I guess I got you good back then. Well then, you entertained me – so I entertain you. All fair and square, right?” He was finally becoming concerned. Or aware that he may have gone overboard. Was this his way of making up to you?

             “Ok.”

           He huffed into the phone. Clearly at loss of how to stir the situation back into his desired direction. “Ok, my ass. Stop acting this way… I’ll make it up to you, just wait… hmm, I’ll tell you a fairy tale, alright? Girls like this stuff, right?”

            “Yes…”

            “So… once upon a time [...]”