#but not knowing how to make oneself care so just kind of going. oh. well im probably a bad person. and moving on

[musicalsiphonophore]

i think what makes early belle and sebastian hit so hard is the apathetic feeling in the songs.

Their songs are incredibly light in terms of the sounds themselves, no heaviness or sadness sits in the instrumentation.

In the early songs especially, the lyrics express the most mundane and mid experiences of life.

These are from the state I am in (1996), le pastie de la bourgeoisie (1997), like dylan in the movies (1996), and ease your feet off in the sea (1998).

It is very everyday subject matter. Most bands are not writing songs about sandwiches and working at M&S.

Also, the vocals generally sound extremely slow and careless. You can hear this in songs like Stars of Track and Field (1996) and Expectations (1996).

These two things combined give a feeling of real boredom; life is average and it’s kind of shit and very uninteresting, and the songs are just a bit done with it, and they aren’t going to embellish it that much, it is what it is.

A misery is written into some of these songs as well, especially on Boy With The Arab Strap.

From sleep the clock around (1998) (I’m absolutely insane about this lyric), is it wicked not to care? (1998), the fox in the snow (1996), and belle and sebastian (1997).

Oh, it’s devastating. That is the thing about this apathetic feeling that the songs evoke: on its own, it isn’t really a sad feeling, it is just empty. But when you zoom out, see how much is lost to not caring, it is absolutely heartbreaking. Early B&S summarises this so well: individually a lot of their music sounds pretty cheery, well maybe not CHEERY as such but certainly not sad, but if you think about it for a short moment, it is so upsetting.

For some context: Stuart Murdoch has chronic fatigue syndrome. He was out of school and work for a while in the late 80s / early 90s and in that time he would just watch people and come up with this stories about them. - Hence why so many of their early songs are about third or second person characters. This also explains why the exhausted feeling permeates the music.

if you want some songs that show this well, I advise you to just listen through boy with the arab strap and then listen to the state i am in, but for specific songs, see:

sleep the clock around (personal fave)

is it wicked not to care

the state i am in

belle and sebastian

get me away from here i’m dying

it could have been a brilliant career

a summer wasting, though this is more cheerful, but it is a different side of the same feeling

expectations

stars of track and field

if you’re feeling sinister

dog on wheels

lazy line painter jane

the fox in the snow

le pastie de la bourgeoisie

By the time dear catastrophe waitress came out, this feeling was no longer really present in their songs. Piazza new york catcher, for example, keeps this bright, weightless sound quality, but the deep seated unhappiness is mostly gone. (I can’t really speak for fold your hands child you walk like a peasant or storytelling, because I really don’t know those albums well, so idk when exactly that switch took place.)

It is good to see a musician actually become happier over time, because so many musicians seem to have the Amy Winehouse type situation where they become even more poorly adjusted. But it does mean the songs lose some of the emotional richness… but I am happy for Stuart Murdoch.

[sports-on-sundays]

Hello! Could I request something with Marc Guiu where he is smitten by reader who is two years older than him. She also live abroad. And she doesn't stop saying no to Marc to get into a relationship but Marc is adamant and wants to prove her that they can work a relationship together.

Like reader is studying in uni, having her own problems and doesn't want to add a long-distance relationship on top of those things.

Thank you! And I want to say that I really appreciate reading whatever you write.

Giving you a lot of hugs and hoping that you get your inspiration back 🥰

ready when you are / Marc Guiu

Summary: Marc x female!reader - Marc can't get you off his mind. You wish you could get him out of your face.

Warnings: suggestion of depriving oneself of proper self care

Requested?: Yes!

Author's Note: You're literally a lifesaver; thanks so much! Also, I made this a little bit more romantic and emotional than your request suggested, but do you really expect any different from tumblr user sports-on-sundays?!

Sometimes you think that giving Marc Guiu your number was the biggest mistake of your life.

You know it sounds mean, and it's not that you don't like Marc. He's funny; you enjoy chatting with him.

The only thing you did not realise, though, when you gave him your number, was that the boy is smitten by you.

He's stuck on you.

You just thought it'd be kind of cool. You know, you have the opportunity to stay in touch with Marc Guiu. Not world class or anything, but you're a Barcelona girl. It was just a cool idea.

Now, just as you're slipping under your quilt to shut your eyes for some sleep, nearly halfway across from Marc Guiu, in the United States of America (it was a treat to spend a lot of time here), you suddenly, to your dismay, hear your phone vibrating on the end table.

You roll over to snatch it up in annoyance, and sigh even louder when you see it's Marc trying to face time you.

You blow air out through your lips before sitting up and answering, immediately saying, "Is it not, like, 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning there?"

"It's 6:00 A.M.!" the guy beams, his brown eyes sparkling. "You said you didn't want me calling at 9:00 A.M. anymore, since that's like 3:00 A.M. for you, and I'm waking you up in the middle of the night. So I woke up early so I could call you now!"

"Marc," you groan. "It's 12:00 A.M. here! I was just about to go to sleep! Let me make this clear- calling me in the morning for you is off-limits."

His smile very swiftly turns upside, and he almost looks hurt, which immediately fills you with a considerable amount of guilt. "Sorry," he murmurs. "I just wanted to talk to you."

You sigh. Yeah, because you're mad in love with me, you can't help thinking to yourself. You decide not to say it, and inside respond, "I know. It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Why were you going to bed at 12:00 A.M. anyway? You should be getting more sleep than that... did you not say once you have to wake up at 5:00 A.M....?"

"Oh, Marc," you click your tongue. "With all I've got going on, the last thing I'm worried about is getting enough sleep. I'm holding up two jobs, and having to study, and everyday I give myself at least some time for exploring and travel."

"How do you do all it?" he suddenly asks.

You shrug. "I like living like this. But health isn't my concern like it is yours. We have different priorities. And yours shouldn't be ridding yourself of sleep by waking up early to talk to me, hm?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure..."

"Now, was there something you want to tell me?"

Through the screen, across the world, you can still see the tenderness in his eyes for you. His soft spot for you that's getting just a tad bit dangerous. "No, not really... Just wanted to... hear your voice, I guess."

"Oh... Oh."

"Yeah," he clears his throat. "I guess I just miss you..."

Despite everything, and the fact that you were determined to keep this to yourself, seeing Marc so open now about this still pushes the words out of your mouth as you say, "Well, Marc... My contract ends soon, which means I'll probably be coming home back to Barcelona for my next semester... After that, though, I've got plans for France... But at least that's closer, right? And you've got me for one semester."

You don't like how 'you've got me' sounds. And you know you shouldn't have said it.

Can't give this boy any more false hope than what he already has.

"Oh!" his eyes brighten, and his mouth tilts up once again. "Seriously! I'm so excited to see you again, then!"

You chuckle. "Y- Yeah, me too. Now, can I go to bed and get a few hours of sleep in?"

"Haha! Whoa, Marc, hold your horses, mate!" you laugh as he practically jumps into your arms for a hug, causing you to drop all your bags on the airport floor. "Just because I'm older than you doesn't mean you're not bigger and stronger!"

He grins, pulling away, and immediately scoops up all your bags for you. "I've already got a cab. Come on. I'll bring you to your flat and help you unpack!"

There's not much you can do to deter the Spanish boy, and once you're in your flat, all unpacked, you two plop on the couch. You sigh in relief as you say, "Feels good to be home!"

"Feels good to have you home, Y/n," Marc pipes in.

Even though you really don't want him to think you're interested, some of the little things he says never fail to make you smile, and feel warm inside.

Whether you want it or not, being loved feels good.

But then he slips his hand in yours. "So, the United States. That was the longest you've been away. Did you miss me as much as I missed you?"

"Probably not as much," you tease truthfully, "and we did face time pretty much every single moment you could. But, yeah, I missed seeing you in 3D."

He grins, and reaches up to tuck a piece of hair behind your hair, asking softer, "So... are you ready to date me yet?"

You lick your lips. You knew this would come, sooner rather than later. You sigh. "Marc, you know my answer." You begin to slip your hand away.

He grabs it back, and brings it to his chest. Now he's looking at you earnestly. "Please, Y/n..." His happy demeanor has quite suddenly turned almost desperate. "I know we can make this work..."

"Marc, I'm not going to be in a long-distance relationship like that."

He frowns, squeezing your hand tighter, looking you right in your eyes. "We already have a long-distance friendship. Why not a little more than that?"

"That requires more emotional involvement. My heart just can't take that. I can't be getting into relationships like that at this point in my life. Maybe someday, I can settle down and find someone. But you know I'm born to run, Marc..."

He looks down. Wraps your hand in both of his and rests it in his lap. "But we'll both be better off. I can make this work. Just give me a chance. Let me prove it."

"You're eighteen. You should be focused on your own things, like football, and your career, just like I'm focused on my own things, like travelling and studying for college. You shouldn't let yourself care so much about me, Marc," you speak gently, almost soothingly. "Please, please don't find your happiness in me. I'll fail you. You mustn't find perfection in imperfect people."

"But you're perfectly imperfect, just like me. Broken, like me, and I love you for these things..." he looks up again.

"Oh, Marc," you barely whisper, staring into those eyes. "Please don't ever say you love me. It's not good for either of us."

"But I do-"

"Marc," you say, sterner. "With everything else I have on my plate, and with everything else I'm chasing after, I can't give myself to you like that. Not right now. We're both so young, you even younger than me. I'd rather see you as a younger brother than anything else-"

"But Y/n-"

"Let's just be friends, okay?"

He sighs deeply. He doesn't nod, because he doesn't want it. But instead he leans in, resting his head against your shoulder, and wraps his arms around your body.

You sigh as his warmth is spread to you.

"Well, I'll enjoy you while you're here, and call often you when you're off to France. And you could run away and go wherever in the world you want, but please. Please always come back to Barcelona. Please always come back to me. Because I'll always be waiting here for you. And I'll be ready whenever you are. Ready for you whenever you're ready for me."

[7hrsh]

𝑴𝒐𝒐𝒏 𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒄𝒌 | 𝑷𝒓𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒖𝒆

Pairing: Lucifer Morningstar x Angel!OC

(note: this story was inspired by @saturncodedstarlette 's lucifer drabbles)

Whenever a human soul is born on earth, they are automatically assigned an angel to guide and guard them throughout their lives. A guardian angel can only guide them in choosing the right decision to be on the correct path in life but of course, not every human can pick the best choice for themselves. Guardian angels are present to record and witness how a human chooses to control their lives, with this they will be able to put them under divine judgment to see if they are to be put in heaven or hell.

Unknown to the humans of today’s earth, the angel who was tasked to guide the first man and woman, failed and had to face consequences.

There’s only a handful of angels that God himself acknowledges, most of them being seraphims. One of his sons, Lucifer, is a seraphim himself. An angel with an explosive personality, beloved by fellow residents in their realm. His love for animals is as big as his heart, passionately telling and teaching the angelic residents how amazing those creatures are, especially his favorite, which are adorable winged birds, one he cannot seem to avoid talking about. Lucifer indeed is a charming lad no matter what he does. He has his way of enchanting people to listen to him.

With this, most of the angelic residents know of Lucifer. Another one of the seraphim, Yvaine was captivated by his natural charm. An Angel beloved by many, one who is also acknowledged by God due to her kindness and how the heaven-born residents can rely on her most of the time. The two of them met through mutual connections which is by Sera, being close in age and as two of the youngest seraphim, the both of them instantly clicked and became friends.

The two of them spent most of their time together as they talked about how the earth probably has different kinds of creatures.

“Thank you for watching over the little ones, Yvaine. They seem to be very fond of you and enjoy your presence.” one of the heaven-born elders flashed Yvaine a smile as the children ran around the place. It seems as if Yvaine voluntarily goes to this facility to teach the little ones about heaven and the goodness of oneself. “It’s no problem, I like taking care of these little angels. They are very attentive listeners despite being an energetic bunch,” she answered as she knelt down to match the little one’s eye level while pinching their cheeks and patting their head making the little angel giggle. “Will we be able to see you again, the next day, miss?” The little one asked, Yvaine looked at them, shook her head, and gave them a sad smile. “I won’t be able to visit you all the next few days, unfortunately, I have to work on some of my duties but don’t worry I’ll visit you once I get free time.” she smiled.

“Oh, it seems that my friend is here. I have to go now, I’ll see you soon!” She looks at the entrance of the place and sees Lucifer standing there patiently as he waits for her. The little angel waved goodbye to Yvaine as she sauntered towards her friend. “Lucifer, you’re just on time. I see that you have your book with you. Did you teach them about the winged creatures on Earth?” she asked, chuckling and showing him an adorable smile. “Well, It seems that there are more unknown creatures on earth that fly and crawl around it. So, I had to check it out with my magic.” Lucifer replied, giving his book a tap as he lifted it up to face her.

“Really now? Why don't you talk to me about it as we go on our way?” She asked, looking at her friend who's eyes sparkled and grin growing bigger than ever. He's always been a curious one, fascinated by the beauty and mystery of such creatures that marvel on earth. Never has he not talked about them without any hint of passion in his voice, he adored them clearly.

Eons passed and their bond remained stronger than ever, some even thought of them as a couple seeing as they were glued to the hip. Even God himself found it intriguing, witnessing the blossoming relationship between the two.

A perfect obedient angel with his son Lucifer, he pondered at the thought of the two being together. He knows that Lucifer is often going out and about all his creations on earth, learning and teaching fellow angels about its inhabitants and the peaceful life there is at present. While there is Yvaine, one who is willing to listen to Lucifer's ramblings indulging in his fascination with such mere creatures. An angel who is able to keep up with him and keep him in check. A perfect match, God thought.

Hence, why he decided to put matters into his own hands. Grabbing his quilt, God began to write down a letter to pass on Sera who shall break the news contained in the scroll to both of the younger seraphim.

[smokestarrules]

please spare some rwby fic recs for a new person in the fandom 🤲

Oh, I've got more than a few!

Okay, firstly, literally everything from lescousinsdangereux and explosivesky. I won't even pick out my favorites from them because literally every one of their fics are incredible. Read them all.

Next there's i'm going to make this place your home by amaranthskies. Road Trip AU. They're all soulmates, actually. This one is one of my personal favorites; the vibe is kind of unexplainable but it's such a warm story of family and love and finding oneself (and finding each other). Absolutely recommend.

Then we have The Gang Kidnaps A Child by Kablob and mylordshesacactus. This one's a If-Team-STRQ-Found-Baby-Cinder AU, because it's incredibly well-written and does a really good job of characterization, especially considering how little we know about Team STRQ in the first place.

Next is Top of the List by timeespaceandpixiedust. Bumbleby-focused; Yang meets the parents! It's literally just fluff. Blake and Yang are ridiculously sweet, Ghira and Kali are perfect, and it's a great feel-good read.

Every good fic list has got to have at least one 5+1, right? look how long this love can hold its breath by herocomplex is exactly that. Bumbleby; five times someone thinks they're together and the one time someone doesn't think so when they actually are. This one is absolutely wonderful with their dynamic and I'm always a sucker for Beacon Bees. Read it.

And then, last but absolutely not least, there's baby, let's take the long way home by ProfessorSpork. Set very exclusively in mid-v6 when the team are all temporarily living in Saphron Arc's house, Blake and Yang are left behind one night to take care of the baby on their own. Pining and feelings---beyond worthy of v6 Bumbleby---ensue.

Have fun!

[jujutsustraycats]

Hey ish! Your school would be starting in a few days and here a few things I wish someone told me when I was about to start my journey for 11th! Some of these might apply to you too even though the paths I have and you will be taking are completely different.

Next 2 years are gonna teach you a lot. They'll put you through the highest of high and lowest of lows. They'll change you as a person. They'll teach you so much about life (and also how people can be). Things would get overwhelming at times. You wouldn't understand what the fuck is going on at times. A lot of times you'd be left confused and hurt and alone for both, academic and non academic reasons. Also, you'd get a lot of career advice so you need to know how to filter out the useless ones! The best way to check authenticity can be reflect on the achievements of the one giving advice.

Even though your classmates might be in the same stream, you'll realise that everyone has a different story and that, in the worst ways possible too. There'd be times when it'd feel like none of your peers understand your visions and aim for future, there'd be times you wouldn't have a buddy to chat about your life philosophies with who also has the same opinions as yours (but remember to not give up on people as a whole okay? You'd find people you vibe with at the end of the day, you just have to be bold enough to put yourself out there!)

There'd be also times you might end up severely over worked and sleep deprived (but make sure not to drink so much coffee that your hands and shaking and your heart is beating so fast that your body goes into fight and flight mode thinking you're having panic attack lol). You know ish, these 2 years might completely make you or break you, but remember to not give up despite whatever situations you might end up in.

I personally was a several-Olympiad-gold-medalist kinda overachiever till 10th (even in 11th lol, i didn't sit for it in 12th because my priorities changed. And I overlooked it, don't do that. Celebrate your smallest wins and remember to appreciate yourself for the smallest milestones or you'll end up severely burnt out. It has happened to me twice over the span of last 4 years till now.) But even I ended up seeing the greatest academic downfall i ever had in front of my eyes at many times during these 2 years. And you should know that it's okay. A lot of people are going to be tough on you but try your hardest not to be one of them. Being kind to oneself can be difficult but try your best okay? And you said you are a perfectionist aren't you? Take care little dove.

I've seen a lot in these two years too. A lot of your academic experience also depends on what kind of teachers you get and me, personally, oh my teachers were pos and sadists. They'd bully me for the most stupid reasons (haha losers. You said i wouldn't be able to do it? Well. fuck y'all ✨ [you'd have to learn to be indifferent at times and not let their or anyone else's words get through you. Learn to develop a strong self belief.]) and I seriously hope you get better teachers.

But oh ish not every elder is bad, you'll get some amazing teachers whom you'd never want to break ties with. Hold on to them! okay? You'd also get really amazing friends who you'd know are going to last a lifetime and would be there for you in your toughest times. Hold on to them as well! Some bastards are too good to let go. Ha!

And also, in return, remember to be kind to your peers because you don't know what they might be going through (not to scare you but I had 2 of my friends who'd almost commit suicide, so yeah it can get scary for both, you and them at times but remember to heal them with your love and support. It's an age you all need each other!)

It's gonna be fun, full of lessons, scary, exciting and adventurous at the same time. You'd hate it sometimes and you'd love it sometimes, but despite all MASTI NAHI RUKNI CHAHIE!!! You won't ever get these 2 years back so make sure you don't walk out without making some amazing memories!! Vandalise stuff, copy the sign of principal to escape the school, bunk the classes (to study or not, your choice) have deepest conversations and most light hearted jokes and banters the exact other day, sleep in the class, eat from under the bench, give impromptu speeches on seminars and farewells, break rules....whatever ish. Whatever gets your heart pumping and adrenaline rushing. Because while it's the starting of peak years of your career, you should remember to be a human and have fun at times too. It's okay. It's normal. It's needed. One shouldn't be guilty about it.

Getting less than perfect marks on a few tests isn't gonna harm you as much as you think it will. The ones who love you will continue to love you. The ones who admire you will continue to admire you. The ones who support you will continue to support you.

Baki, main hun idhar hi ❤️ kabhi bhi kuch problem ho toh AA Jana apni badi behen se advice lene, I'll try my best to help you out. As I said the other day, the pain and trauma these 2 years have put me through has only served to make me more empathetic and protective of my juniors so if you come to me with loads of rants i won't say cliché things like "Stay strong". I'd first and foremost listen to you and simply that. I'd listen to you for as long as you want me to. Because sometimes you'd simply just wanna be heard ❤️

I'll try my best to be there for you! If nobody got you, I do! Remember that, okay? ✨

... Dear gods, I don't even know what to say. You made me cry. Like, tears actually sprung up in my eyes. Happy ones, though. Don't worry too much.

I'm not one for physical affection but I would've hugged you so hard if I were there. Thank you. This genuinely made my day.

[gingerylangylang1979]

Black women who ship Carmy x Sydney, please take care of yourselves

This is written from a place of love, not condescension or trying to spank or belittle anybody. 

I guess I’m just growing concerned about many black women in this fandom feeling bad about this ship in a number of ways and some trends I see that aren’t healthy and uplifting. What I say may make some people angry. Some people may feel I’m dismissing legit concerns or lived experiences. I’m sure I’ll get blocked by some. Oh well. I'm gonna speak my truth. All I’m trying to do is give much needed perspective and say the quiet parts out loud.

When I see black women repeatedly literally letting this shit make them upset and enraged at every turn, daily, it’s a bit alarming to me. If one's happiness is so swayed by the whims of perception of a ship it’s a bit unsettling. Why let this shit have so much power over your mood and enjoyment? It’s just a show. But I think for many it’s way deeper than that and that’s not being kind to oneself or fair to the creators and performers. 

I’ll say this, I know there is misogynoir, and both conscious and unconscious bias involved in a lot of the reactions we are seeing about this ship. I’ve spoken to it. But I think a lot of us are failing to see the nuance of the whole picture and are making everything literally black & white and a cause for outrage and panic. Where I see misogynoir is most at play is in how fans view Ayo/Syd and as an extension Carmy x Sydney. Where I don’t see it particularly in play is how the cast and crew speak about the ship. 

Every time an article comes out denying the ship the knee jerk reaction is hating on Storer and Calo like they don’t want the ship to happen because Syd is black. I just don’t see any evidence of that or need to assume bad intentions. If you trust what you are seeing and think it’s endgame that contradicts Storer and Calo not wanting the ship for racist reasons.

I know what has happened with other BW/WM ships but I just don’t see that here. The romantic undercurrents are just too heavy and they greatly respect Syd as a stand alone character and Ayo as an actress and creator in her own right. Are they going to get everything you want right? No. But they are trying. Does that mean we will get everything we want with her/them? Not necessarily. The same can be said for any of these characters. Just trust what you're seeing, the intentionality is there even if it isn’t validated in media about the show. 

But because she is a black woman we are more invested and more focused on her treatment. That’s fine, let’s uplift her, and protect her. But what I see is a somewhat unhealthy attachment to viewing her as somehow being wronged at every turn. I get it. But I also think it’s not beneficial to be almost looking for her to be wronged in places where it isn’t true. If the ship isn’t being validated in the media and Carmy isn’t kissing her and declaring his love next season it's not sidelining, it’s storytelling, and it’s a slow burn. Some of the same people talking about they want a slow burn I guarantee will be up n arms if Carmy x Sydney are further apart next season, which I think will happen. That's what happens in these romances. But the first thing people will jump to is the writers don't want them together because she is black and the first article denying the ship will have people ready to ride at dawn.

I think it’s just difficult for some to come to terms with how this is going to play our over time and what that really means because she is a black woman character and we want the most for her. They will have ups and downs. Yes, Carmy dated someone else. There is pressure to validate her in so many ways that just aren’t necessarily going to be satisfied on all levels and I think some are making it way personal to a degree that isn’t necessarily warranted. 

Whatever happens with Syd isn’t going to correct the history of the black woman's experience in the media or real life. It will be a monumental event if they go canon, for sure, but I think some people are getting way too emotional and angry if every little thing doesn’t go how they want with her and Carmy. I also see a bit of trying to make other elements validate Syd as a black woman and by extension validate oneself. 

The insistence from some that Ayo and Jeremy have something going on or Jeremy’s performance is rooted in feelings for Ayo is so strange to me. Why? I think some people need to feel like Jeremy has feelings for her because he’s the hot white lead to validate her as a black woman. As excellent as Jeremy is as an actor do people really think he has to actually be in love with Ayo to get the performance we are seeing? He’s just extremely good at his job. I don’t think he has to do that with any other emotions he is portraying so why this need to have him be in love to make the performance resonate? 

I’ve also seen people trying to make a connection with the fact that he’s been seen with a biracial black woman as somehow meaning the next step is he should be with a monoracial black woman and connecting that with him and Sydney. Why? I saw a post that was questioning why this woman isn’t dark skinned with kinky hair as if he’s obligated to date someone that looks “black enough” to validate the attractiveness of dark skinned black women. This post also seemed to be super invested in that because that’s what they look like and want to feel Jeremy should be attracted to them. It’s not the first time I’ve seen this and it always makes me cringe and feel deeply sorry for that person.

I think it’s cool he’s dating a WOC but I have no entitlement or expectation that he go darker and nappier to prove anything to me or the public. And it has no bearing on if he would find someone who looks like me attractive in a sexual way or the same for his character. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. What does it matter? If he is told to kiss Ayo onscreen, he will, because he’s a professional. Why are people making it so personal who he chooses in his real life? It just seems extremely insecure and projecting. If he dates someone else who is white white or another race that’s not black, is that going to hurt feelings? He doesn’t like “belong” to black women now. Jokes about it are funny but internalizing it as validation is dangerous. 

I also see this in an intense desire to have another white character be in the love triangle. If you just want someone else in the picture, fine. But I feel like there is this big desire to have it be another white man when Marcus has been there the whole time. I don’t ship her with Marcus (well, I did for a minute when I was enraged with Carmy) but it’s because I don’t think it’s where her heart is. But I also don’t see Marcus as a non-viable option. But since he’s not the white boy of the month, it’s not as appealing or viewed as big of a win for some if she’s with him or he’s the only suitor. People have mentioned Connor as a potential. Ok, yeah, I can see it based on the evidence presented, but I hope it isn’t viewed as a like let’s boot Marcus so this white boy who sorta superficially looks like Carmy is the rival. Maybe it can be a love square and three men fight for Syd, but I don’t want to discredit Marcus just because another curly haired white boy with blue eyes shows up. 

And lastly, if your emotional well being is so super effected about what happens to Sydney and it’s so entangled with feelings of being marginalized to the point that it’s distressing and your hyperfocused on every detail as a win or lose, I think you need to consider why and understand her being with Carmy isn’t going to heal anything. A lot of fans project personal issues onto characters and it’s just never going to fill an emotional hole or be a substitute for racial justice.

I saw someone post recently that this ship is a coping mechanism. And honestly it shouldn’t be. Just like Claire can’t fix Carmy, shipping Carmy x Sydney and hoping they are canon isn’t going to fix anything. If this is a fun outlet for you and a way to spend free time, great. But I wouldn’t link being in the fandom and shipping with self care. It’s too volatile to be tethering your emotional well being to. That’s like putting your healing in the hands of writers, media, and fandom when you should be in control of your journey. I think it’s cool to relate to the characters and be invested in their story but it can get kind of messy and parasocial if you put too much personal weight on outcomes regarding the show.  

So, I just want us to be more positive and focus on the wins with this character and Ayo. And also focus on the future. That doesn’t mean ignore the shenanigans. But I think so much attention is focused on the negative that not enough credit is being given to the bravery of having a dark skinned black woman as the co-lead, having her be her own person with her own struggles and nuances, having her most likely also be an unconventional romantic lead, having Ayo be the breakout star she is, having her get EP credits and directing next season, how she is a cover star, how she is multi-talented, how she is praised by everyone who works with her, how she is the IT girl. And I think this story will do her justice in the end.

[veliseraptor]

top 5 fictional villains

oh man how am I supposed to choose from my entire villain warehouse. let's see.

1. Xue Yang. I mean, if this wasn't obvious from my [gestures] whole blog. But boy did I fall hard from pretty much scene one of my first watch of The Untamed, and then never looked back from there. He's just! What a guy. An icon. I love him so much. Fucks up his own life irreversibly and doesn't even realize he's doing it until too late. Whoops.

2. Maeglin. #my trash son. I waffled between putting him and Celegorm on this list (I could've done both, but, well, I felt like I should pick one per canon) and decided to go with Maeglin because he's arguably worse? Though I guess it probably depends on your metric. (I'm not really interested in arguing on that one, I don't particularly care, they're both my beloveds and there's no changing that at this point.) Seriously fucked up childhood that's got to fuck some things up in one's head to begin with, and then making some terrible choices later on that just go rapidly downhill, and again, tragedy of condemning oneself but also how doomed was he from the beginning (pretty doomed).

3. Vegas Theerapanyakul. I kind of hesitated about putting him on here because it feels sort of weird to call him a "villain" but like. He did sexually assault the protagonist in an early episode and threaten to kill him later on, so, like. Even if the story turns around and gives him a happy ending (iconic) I feel like he counts. Disaster of a man, kind of an awful person ("kind of?", you say, and okay, that might be so), and it's very sexy of him. Pete thinks so too, apparently.

4. Shen Jiu. Yest all right I know he's technically Sir Not Appearing In This Book but he is technically the titular scum villain so I'm counting him. Awful man. Miserable history, miserable story. I'm irresistibly drawn to tragedies created by characters themselves and that's what this guy's got going on.

5. Moridin/Ishamael/Elan Morin Tedronai. We! Love! A nihilistic villain just craving the end of everything! Of tenuous sanity and an abiding obsession with the protagonist! Anyway I didn't have a lot of feelings about this guy the first couple times I read Wheel of Time but then on my second to latest reread he came roaring out in front and plop, in the villain warehouse he goes.

thought about including He Xuan but he only sort of feels like he counts as a villain somehow; honorable mentions here go to Celegorm (disney prince murderer), Jun Wu (king of creating a toxic work environment), Clytemnestra (queen of my heart), Azula (since I just mentioned her), Jin Guangyao (generator of infinite discourse) and Jinx. I feel like I'm forgetting folks here. but that happens, I suppose.

and this is not including villains who are just so much fun for me to watch, who live in a slightly separate corner of my brain but are beloved of me nonetheless.

[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[jowrites]

Intoxicated - 17. Breaking Down (written)

Main Masterlist Here

Prev. Next.

AUTHORS NOTE:

As a mature writer, I write about things that are of course mature. I use a lot of personal experiences in my writing(if you haven't noticed) and this chapter is no different(yes, it happened to me too). A massive TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter. It's extremely heavy and might hit close to home to some of you, so read with your own caution. TW: SEXUAL THEMES, TALKS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, ABUSE, BLACKMAIL, TALKS OF AFTERMATH, PARENT DEATH, VIOLENCE, TALKS OF UNALIVING ONESELF CURSING. Read at your own risk and if you are anyone has experienced any form of abuse, please reach out to someone. Don't keep it in, you're not alone and the more you talk about it the more awareness.

Nat. Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, text BEGIN to 88788

Nat. Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673, they have a chat online

Suicide Hotline: 988 or text 988

As always, Thank you for reading!

PS: If you don't feel comfortable reading this chapter, send me an ask and I will give you a brief of what happened without all the extreme heavy. Jake's secret.

Taglist: @heeeseeungs

Jake was sweaty. 

He knew he probably looked and smelled disgusting but he didn’t care. His breathing was heavy, his hair a mess, and the bags under his eyes didn’t make things better. He found himself knocking ferociously at YN’s door, hoping she wasn’t asleep or was, he didn’t know. It was past midnight now and he rushed straight to YN’s apartment without a second thought. He didn’t have a good night, well, months to be exact. He’s been miserable and the only time he has had just a glimmer of happiness was when he was with YN. The person who always drove him crazy, her entire being left his mind completely intoxicated.

The door opened slightly before closing and opening wide, YN stood there in one of his large shirts, her legs on display and her eyes wide.

“Jake, what are you-oh my God, you look-YOUR NECK IS BLEEDING!” YN gasped out, reaching out and turning his head as she inspected his neck. It looked like someone scratched him.

Jake sighed, his head slumped onto her shoulder and he gripped her waist tight, pulling her body to him and he just cried. He smelled like alcohol and some kind of perfume YN couldn’t pin-point where it came from. She was more concerned than confused as she pulled his body into her apartment, closing them inside.

He knelt on his knees, his hands still gripping her waist and he rubbed his face on her body, his tears overflowing. YN could hear the defeat behind his cries as she stood there, stunned and just looking down at the man.

Just what was going on?

“Jake, tell me what happened,” she said, her voice stern but calm.

Jake couldn’t look at her. He was so embarrassed and ashamed, he knew she would look at him with disgust when he told her.

“I’m so tired, so fucking tired,” he sobbed out. He began to hit his chest with his fist, shaking his head and hitting it with more force each time. “I’ve broken my own heart, YN…I’ve done it and it hurts, it hurts so fucking bad.”

YN knelt down, to be on his level, and frowned when he moved his face away, not meeting her eyes. She reached up and tried moving the hair from his eyes but he reached up and took her hands gently and put them down.

“Can you elaborate, please? I wish I could read your mind, but I can’t and I need to know in order to understand,” YN said. 

YN let him sulk, waiting patiently before he sighed, nodding his head slowly. YN got up and went to the fridge to get a water bottle and some tissue. When she came back, Jake was slouched on the floor, his knees to his chest as he just stared at them with a dead look in his eyes. This boy was in pain and YN had no idea how to help him.

“Thanks,” he said, taking the water bottle YN opened for him and the tissues. He drank some of the water before putting the bottle down next to him and just gripping the tissue tightly. 

“Take your time, I have all night,” YN said gently, not wanting to pressure him.

“I’m going to start from the beginning, okay? And YN, promise me, promise me please you won’t tell anyone,” Jake pleaded, his eyes coming up to reach hers. “Please. Even if you see me differently, just keep this from the world.”

YN nodded, giving him a small smile and agreeing.

“I will, don’t worry.”

Jake took a deep breath, letting it out and closing his eyes before opening them and recalling the memories in his mind. If she were to understand, he needed to start from the beginning. The very beginning.

“When I was born, I wasn’t born into a wealthy family. I didn’t have a family at all, not really. I had a mother and she was young. I don’t remember much, but I remembered we lived around bus stops and wherever she could keep me safe on the street somewhere. She got sick and passed away and when I went to a cop they put me in a home. I don’t know who my family is or where they are, but I’m not an elite like the rest of these people and I had to work really hard. I did well in school, really well actually to the point I graduated early. I had a teacher who really liked me and he sponsored me and helped me a lot, Mr. Kang. He was really nice…”

Jake smiled a bit at the memory of his teacher, remembering the things that man taught him before his untimely death. 

“...He helped me get into this University, his brother works here and they sponsored me. They even got me a grant, so I’m not paying full price. But I did have to pay. I worked 2 jobs secretly but the money just wasn’t cutting it with all my studies and extra things with the Fraternity…and I was struggling real bad my first year. Then, one day at the store, a really wealthy lady walked in. Choi Hyejung…”

“Choi Hyejung, like…”

“Yeah, from THE board and Congressman Choi’s wife…she was pretty, kind at first and she offered me a position to be her assistant. She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and being the dumb kid I was, I had no idea what I got myself into. She didn’t start hitting on me right away, but I knew she was in it for something and then she proposed something and my bills were piling up and I was desperate…so I agreed…but I had one rule, absolutely no kissing, no marking, and it was just casual. Nothing more, just enough for her to get off and then I’d be on my way. I managed to do it for the last semester of my first year and by the time the first semester of my 2nd year was over I ended it because I had enough to pay for the rest of my school years and then some. I invested a lot of the money and have done well for myself…out of desperation I sold my body…”

“Oh, Jake…”

“No, no I’m not done. Please, listen…”

“Okay.”

“It was awful. I hated it and when I stopped I was so relieved and couldn’t wait to just leave this place and start a whole new chapter. I’ve had to work so hard all throughout my life to get to where I am, and I planned to make something of myself and never again have to struggle so much…but then, after almost a year of no contact she messages me and I said no but then she threatened me. And I didn’t know what to do and panicked. She’s been forcing me to do it again and I hate it, she threatens me everytime and every time I die a little more inside…each. Fucking. Time…”

Jake was crying again, his cries filling the room as he closed his eyes tight, holding his head in his hands. He felt a small hand come up and touch his back, rubbing small circles and that just broke him even more. He looked up at YN then, and looked at him with the most caring and gentle eyes. Shouldn’t she yell at him? Shouldn’t she be mad?

“W-why? Stop looking at me like that,” he cried.

“Like what?” 

“Like…like…”

“Like I care? Jake, I do care. I care so much and this hurts me, this hurts me for you. You shouldn’t have to go through this.”

“Why? I’m disgusting! I’m not rich! I’m never enough! I don’t deserve to be loved or cared for!”

“No, Jake, don't say that about yourself! Stop!”

Jake began shaking, gripping his hair and crying. YN quickly took his hands and placed them down and quickly got in front of him on her knees and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. 

“You’re enough for me, and you were born to be loved.”

***************************

YN doesn’t know how long she stayed on the floor with Jake just holding him until he calmed down, but she knew it was a while. She just let him cry until he couldn’t anymore, wiping his tears and doing everything she could to hold on her own. Everything he said broke her heart. Who would even try to sabotage this sweet boy? Her sweet boy to be exact. The way he was so broken and hid himself away in shame. Now she understands it all, the reason he is the way he is. She wanted to make it right. 

Jake was holding her so tightly as if she made one move she'd disappear completely. YN didn’t mind, in fact she was glad he finally was reciprocating her affection, the affection she had been craving and missing the past couple months. The affection he had been pushing away because of his own self hatred and disgust. Now, she felt awful for thinking the way she did. He was being traumatized and she was being selfish thinking of her own wants and needs when she should have been paying more attention to him and his needs. And right now he needed her.

“Let me clean your cut, I don’t want it to get infected,” YN said, getting up but Jake just gripped her tighter. “Come with me, we need to clean you up and my bed is way more comfortable than the floor.”

Jake sighed, nodding and letting YN go. She got up and held her hand out to him, which he reluctantly took and let her drag him up. He let her help him to her bedroom, where she had him sit down on the edge as she went to her bathroom to gather her first aid kit. She made her way back and stood between his legs as she took some alcohol wipes and began to clean the cut. It was a lot deeper than she thought and it had Jake wincing in pain.

“Why did she do this? It’s pretty bad,” YN said.

“When I got there tonight, she threw herself on me and tried kissing me and I pushed her off and told her no but she tried again and,” Jake swallowed hard, closing his eyes trying not to remember the scene in his mind.

“So she forced herself on you and you fought her?” YN asked. Jake just nodded. “That fucking bitch.”

“I understand if you don’t want to see me anymore…”

“No, honey, no. Of course I want to keep seeing you.”

“Y-you do?”

For the first time tonight, Jake looked into her eyes and they showed hope instead of humiliation and shame. He had hope and love coming from his eyes as he looked up at her and he could finally see her sincerity and love for him. He was overwhelmed.

“Of course, Jake I want you…all of you. In just these months you’ve managed to break me out of my own misery and Hell and pamper me the way I deserve. And I am going to do the same to you, because you deserve it too and I…Jake, I love you-”

Jake didn’t even let her finish before he reached up and crashed his lips to hers. He felt the heat of the kiss and poured out everything he felt for her in their kiss. The way he always got drunk off her kisses and how they made him dizzy was something he never would get used to. And he didn’t want to. She had her hands around his neck, accidently touching his cut which caused him to wince and she quickly pulled back.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry,” she gasped out, looking at him with wide eyes.

“No, baby, no, it’s okay,” Jake said, chuckling at her, putting their foreheads together.

“Let me finish bandaging your neck, okay?” 

Jake nodded and moved his head to the side giving her more access and letting her finish cleaning his neck up. When she was done, his neck had a big bandaid on it that she hoped wasn’t too comfortable but for now it would hopefully prevent infection. She took the trash and threw it away, going to the bathroom to wash her hands and seeing him come up behind her, wrapping her in his arms. He leaned down and placed a few kisses on the top of her head as they looked at each other through the mirror.

“Thank you for telling me, I won’t tell anyone,” YN said, taking his hands and holding them to her stomach.

“After everything and you still love me?” He asked.

“I’m afraid you’re stuck with me now, no take backs,” she said, making him chuckle.

“I really wanted to take you in every way I possibly could, but I’m just so disgusting I couldn’t do that to you. I’m sorry for pushing you away so much,” Jake said, looking down.

“No, Jake, I’m sorry…I’m sorry for trying when you’ve been in your own Hell. I know what it feels like to feel that shame and disgust…I wasn’t awake when it happened to me and I’m kind of glad because what happened…”

“No, you don’t have to tell me…”

“No, you told me so now I’m going to tell you. I understand it. When I woke up and the pain, gosh the pain and the aftermath…I wasn’t awake but I was so ashamed and disgusted with myself too and it took me a while to be okay with myself again and you helped me…you really did, I’m not so afraid anymore and your touches don’t scare me, or cause me to panic…I feel safe with you and that really helped me.”

“No, YN…you saved me. I was going to kill myself. I really felt like I was dying and I just wanted to end it all…but then something about you and just seeing you read those damn webtoons at the party intrigued the shit out of me, and you were so pretty…and you smelled so fucking good.”

YN chuckled at that, turning around in his arms.

“I’m glad you’re here, and I’m especially glad you’re here with me.”

“I’ve only ever wanted to be here with you, I’m so sorry I was hiding this from you. Trust me, I never kissed her, never held her, and there were a lot of times I had to think of you because I just wished it were you. I’ve barely been able to get it up with that hag.”

“Jake, you don’t have to explain yourself, it’s okay…”

“No, it’s not. None of this is okay and I just want to make it right.”

“Will you see her again?”

“No, not at all. I ended it tonight. I just left and texted her never again. She can end me, I don’t care anymore. I won’t do it! Never again.”

“You shouldn’t have to suffer because of this bitch, Jake we’ll figure it out, okay? And you have me now, I’ll help you.”

“You have no idea just how much your words took off from me, it feels like a boulder has just been lifted from my shoulders.”

“Good. Now, no offense but you smell like alcohol and some kind of other thing, but I don’t like it so shower. Now.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Jake smirked and slowly removed his shirt from his body. He watched as YN bit her lip as she watched him slowly remove his clothes. She snapped out of her own haze and went and turned on the water for him, turning it to the perfect temperature. She felt his back pressed against her, a small gasp leaving her lips as she felt him place kisses along her neck.

“Join me?”

“I thought you’d never ask, holy shit!”She quickly removed the shirt she was wearing, her panties being discarded soon next, taking his hand and pulling him in the water with her. His hands went to the skin on her waist, his fingers rubbing circles as he began to feel her body. She looked up at his face, their eyes not once leaving each other and just silently telling each other, “I love you”. At that moment, Jake felt all the anxiety leave his body. The way she managed to wash away his self hatred and replace it with her own kisses of love was something he didn’t understand. The way she made him feel so much lighter and take his burden and make it her own. He knew he was going to be okay, because she was there to fill his whole soul and bring it back to life.

[archivalofsins]

It's been a good while since the end of trial two and a lot has changed in the fandom overall. Even more will change over the course of trial three. I think in this area of uncertainty and impatience it's easy to forget everything that transpired.

Admittedly I'm kind of proud of my growth over this period of time and how the experience has impacted how I interact with fandom and the internet overall.

Not to sound incredibly old fashioned but I think there's still much to unpack from trial two before heading into trial three. So, the down time between the end of trial report and now has been greatly appreciated.

A lot happened.

Haruka's broken 50/50 as people highlighted the risks of him remaining unrestrained not only to himself but others.

People stating that anyone voting Yuno guilty was a pro-life conservative, politicizing her trial as pro-life pro-choice debate. Even going as far to state that Milgram was a sexist series for including her at all.

Futa's was just funny because it was a bold faced admission by the audience that they were in fact too much like Futa to properly judge him. Amongst other things.

Mu's trial was a bunch of people politicizing it in the opposite direction using a bunch of right wing buzzwords like calling it fake news, for some reason bringing race into it from headcanoning her victim as half black, then victim blaming like her victim attacked first so she deserved to die.

Shidou well fuck we need a doctor so go off king. Like it wasn't even about him it was about Mahiru I know who I really cared about here. I couldn't give one singular fuck about Shidou even now. Oh he might hurt Kotoko I don't give a fuck if he does his doctor role what he does in his off time is his business. Nobody was thinking oh my god what about the harm the guy with the medical degree can do to others here when they voted him innocent nobody cared. Like honestly he has a medical degree he can do a lot of harm but that wasn't our problem or main concern.

Mahiru ah see he hung himself and he's probably a cheater anyway. Yes some people thought it was justified to drive a man to suicide for being unfaithful. That was a weird hill for some people to build a house on but they did. I don't know a lot of people just conveniently forgot women cheat and can be abusers as well. I don't know how some forgot that but I wish I were them.

Kazui the guilty shrine- seriously a shrine? Really... Oh also men shouldn't be allowed to get divorces because it makes women look bad. Isn't that what abusive husbands were saying when women wanted divorce rights and fought for things like no fault divorce wild. No one was thinking there yeah go on cook me nothing that would be better than the poison you're trying to disguise as feminism. It'd be less detrimental too.

Amane's second trial really was like,

"Sure her mom kills cats and beats children but we can't forget she's a cult survivor too and being a parent is hard."

Bro as someone with an abusive single mom who did some shit and went through some shit um no that's not an excuse. You can't just go parenting is hard get me my taser or my childhood was hard too it's my turn to beat kids. Like not tobring up Oshi No Ko again but the Amane trial really was just chapter 141 to me in real time (read it because that got messy later in).

"She had to live through the cult too. She was having a hard time as well what about her upbringing? Do you know how hard it is to raise a child by oneself."

Her husband was at work not dead what the fuck did y'all mean by this???

What were these takes? Nobodies trauma gives them a free pass to traumatize others- wait we'll get to you hold up put those dogs back where they came from! She's a single mom of one girl meanwhile the woman with two sons and an absent doctor husband. Not doing any of this shit. She was my rock Shidou says fully meaning it. Yuno mom two kids haven't heard a word about her killing cats or beating kids. Wild it's like it's pretty easy to choose not to do the things she did. Every other shit parent here did decide to be shitty Amane's mom included.

Mikoto oh suddenly your trauma does excuse how you responded to a situation. Work hard, such sad boy. Yeah I can believe the stigmatized version of dissociative identity disorder in this one niche situation. Japan is so backwards of course they'd still write it like this they don't know any better. So, of course the other alter is the evil one and Mikoto is still the goodest of boys- Also dissociative identity disorder isn't real unless you have a certain number of alters that act x specific way that's why there has to be this many.

With a tiny hint of if the child is guilty let's just kill this man too~

Fuck Mikoto he's had it too good. Bitch could have went home in fact we see him do it in the video! Where the fuck was Amane gonna go the streets?! We saw how that worked out in her video. Snitch ass streets, if these streets could talk- Don't worry with snitch advisory they can even if you don't want them to!

Kotoko well if you think she's bad then you don't have real trauma. Also grooming can only be sexual actually I heard the term from twitter and never looked into the act of doing this ever outside of that context. God don't even ask me to define groom as a verb.

So on and so forth. It's been a lot and this all just shit I personally experienced.

Trial two showed us one of the worst aspects of humanity,

Our ability as people to use our own experiences as the blueprint for all life.

Our stubborn commitment to seeing something only one way. Because that's always been how we've seen it. That's always been how it was. Milgram trial two and the audience for better or worse put the definition of closed-mindedness on full display.

Regardless of how inclusive, progressive, or forward thinking people believed themselves to be in the moment. We saw what a commitment to only one way of thinking could cause and who it ends up hurting. I think trial two can teach people that even the most progressive leaning individuals can cause harm.

Even those who want to support marginalized individuals or are marginalized themselves are capable of causing harm. Because when we convince ourselves that the only voice that matters is our own we silence, belittle, and ignore the experiences of those around us. It doesn't matter what politically correct framing a person attributes to their belief if one is being closed-minded it will still harm others and the movement they're purporting to care about.

It will more than likely do more harm to the people one is attempting to help the most whether that is themselves or others. That's the only thing being closed-minded can do.

[aeg1ss]

Ways to say "I love you"

A short, amateur Lokius fanfic - all characters belong to Marvel.

---

Love. Love, love, love. What's it good for? How to prove it? By sacrificing oneself for the other? Or by sacrificing the world for them?

    Something Loki could never quite place his finger on was a way to show love. The God of Mischief let out a quiet groan, a botanic book with the flowers' meanings in front of him as he tried to find the best kind to surprise his boyfriend. It had only been a day since he figured out a way to leave Yggradsil, and he had yet to meet with Mobius - or as he called himself now, Don.

    Eyes scanning the pages, his black hair a mess, his black suit as fitting as ever, an annoyed expression on his face. Why did so many flowers mean love? Just how many were there? Roses, Forget-Me-Nots, Peonies, Orchids... How was he supposed to choose?

"I give up." The God sighed, snapping his fingers and transforming the book into a bouquet of... well, every flower he could think of. From Roses all the way to Edelweiss, passing by Daisies and Delphiniums. He stared at the bouquet for a moment and added a pink ribbon. Pink represents love on midgard after all, right? He took a deep breath and opened himself a portal near Mobius' house.

    Another deep breath. It's going to be okay. He fixed his tie, suit and hair and approached the front yard, getting knocked off his feet and landing on the ground with flowers all over the place, a puppy husky standing on his chest, wagging its tail happily and licking his face, letting out occasional barks. He gasped, trying to push the dog off himself, but being unable to. Did a puppy just defeat the God of Stories?

"Ivy! Ivy, get off him." Loki heard a familiar voice. His face turned dark red within a moment. How embarrassing was that? The pup whined, ears and tail down as it eventually got off him. Mobius approached him and smiled with slight amusement, a hint of adoration in his eyes as he held out his hand to help him get up. "I recall you throwing off Tony Stark off a tower, but you're unable to fight off a two month old dog?" The man teased him, making Loki roll his eyes. He got up and wiped his face, looking at the flowers with a sad expression.

"I'm truly sorry, Mobius. I was trying to surprise you with flowers and I wasn't sure which ones symbolize what and I knew midgardians care for that for some reason and it turned out that so many of them represent love and I just gave up and got each flower that symbolizes love and-" The God took a deep breath in to calm himself down after his fast and incoherent answer. He smiled awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I wanted this to go differently. I didn't know that you own one of those midgardian monsters now."

"Monsters?" Mobius' eyebrow went up, his amusement growing even more. "Sean and Kevin would hate you if they heard that!" He let out a lighthearted chuckle and looked at the flowers. "It's still really sweet you went through all this trouble for me. Thank you, Loki." His amusement died down and he was left with a loving look on his face, eyes focused on the taller man. "But... There are more ways to say 'I love you'."

"Such as?" The Asgardian looked a little taken aback by Mobius' statement, his eyes narrowed a little. The older man pulled him in, one hand wrapped at the back of his neck and the other resting on his cheek as he pecked his lips. Loki looked away slightly embarrassed by the sudden show of affection. "Oh. Right." He chuckled awkwardly, a hint of fondness in his eyes.

    The visit certainly will be an unforgettable one.

    What a shame he has to go back within a week...

---

Frankly, I don't know what this is, I was just extremely bored in biology and didn't want to calculate the density of granite hence... Whatever this is.

[twilightmalachite]

Christmas Live - Prologue

Author: Akira

Characters: Yuzuru, Anzu

Translator: Mika Enstars

JP Proofer: 310mc

EN Proofer: ryuseipuka

"Hm, “meow ♪”? Is that your impression of a cat?"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Yumenosaki Corridors

Yuzuru: …Sigh. I’m sorry, could you please repeat yourself?

Oh, no, it’s not that I couldn’t hear you the first time. I don’t mean to guilt you, but could you please speak a little more clearly?

I’m here to prioritize assessing the situation correctly, rather than to criticize you. …What has happened, are you crying?

You’ll have to excuse me, I cannot take your feelings into consideration at this time.

I’m terribly sorry, but, please do tell me what led up to this. I’ll handle it from here on.

Hm. What an inconvenience; I thought you had assured me you would have that matter taken care of.

If that comes to a stop, then this entire thing will come to a standstill.

What trouble. Biting off more than you can chew only reveals your inadequacy.

You should prove your usefulness not with your words, but with your actions, and your results.

Yes. Do not worry, allow me to take care of it. You should give your face a quick rinse.

I’ll contact you again later, so… Alright, do excuse me.

… …

Yuzuru: …How vulgar.[1] Well, I can understand how he feels.

Oya, Anzu-san. It’s not in very good taste to eavesdrop, you know.

No, there isn’t any serious trouble. No need for the producer to go through the hassle of interfering.

You’re busy with your own business after all, are you not?

Fufu. It is indeed December, the end of the year.

Soon it will be Christmas… The academy has plans to hold the large-scale event we know as StarFes.

And as expected, the student council appears to be short on hands, and I have been requested to assist with preparations.

I do not wish to be so meddlesome…

However, the student council is one of the young master’s places to be. It is my duty as a butler to support him, as well.

Furthermore, the results I achieve will also affect the young master’s evaluation.

And so, I am doing the best to my ability. I am having quite the tough time, though….

It’s one issue after another, you see, and I’m extremely busy. I’d welcome even the help of a cat.[2]

Hm, “meow ♪”? Is that your impression of a cat?

You act quite unusually sometimes, don’t you, Anzu-san. Regardless, as I’ve said… I’m sure that you have your own work to complete.

So please, prioritize that.

I understand exactly how you feel. Labor is a blessing—No, it is life itself. It devastates me to have to take a break for the New Year holiday season.

Fufu. That being said, it is a season where you can easily fall sick… Please take care of yourself, Anzu-san.

I do not have the time for a long conversation now, so do excuse me.

Oh. I’m sorry, but please do not tug at the hem of my uniform. You resemble a lost child. What can I do for you?

Hm. So… It’s a rare occurrence, but you truly are free today, Anzu-san?

Nobody will give you any work, because they’re all concerned about you? Well, you have been working a lot, Anzu-san… It wouldn’t be good if you were to collapse from overexertion.

Make good use of everyone’s concern for you, and please rest. How about finding a hobby, or joining a club?

That is what I do on my days off, too.

I strengthen my mind with the archery club, and do careful and meticulous cleaning around the mansion I normally am not able to get to…

Do you have any hobbies, Anzu-san?

Hm. You still insist on some kind of work? “Please don’t reduce my hours, boss!”…? Fufu, that’s a very funny joke. ♪

As you wish. I just can’t say no when I’m pleaded to so lovingly like that.

Hm… May I ask you to do a bit of shopping for me, then?

An errand. Basically; there are some trivial things I need.

The quantity doesn’t justify ordering from a vendor and getting it delivered, but it is a hassle to do the shopping oneself.

It would be a massive help if you could do this errand for me, Anzu-san.

Just a moment, please. Allow me to make a list of the items we need purchased. Correction fluid, a Bible, chocolate bonbons… Hm, what is it?

You’d like me to draw you a picture? No need to be so mean; you know that I possess no artistic talent.

Umm, well then… A turkey, then, a Christmas tradition.

The turkey’s saying, “Thank you for doing the shopping, Anzu-chan! ♪” How’s this?

Fufu. I am glad that you like it.

Thank you very much. I had been overwhelmed with busyness up until some moments ago, but…

I feel somewhat more at peace now. Thanks to you, Anzu-san. ♪

Anyhow. For this upcoming year’s end…

Let us end it meaningfully, and without any regrets. Although I’m sure you know that well, Anzu-san…

Ah, right, yes… The items I need for this errand aren’t ones necessarily needed right away.

So please do take your time strolling around town as you shop.

It is a delight simply to wander around with all the beautiful lights put up everywhere. …It’s a tad early, but nevertheless, Merry Christmas. ♪

[ ☆ ]

story directory | next →

The word here used is zokubutsu (俗物), the same word Shu often uses to describe Mika (and sometimes other people as well).

A japanese idiom, neko no te mo karitai (猫の手も借りたい) used to describe extreme business. Translated literally here so Anzu’s cute way of offering to help makes sense!

[blemiria]

Muelsyse Oprec: Rootless Rain

Hi! This was a surprisingly interesting oprec for Muelsyse (where I almost feared they would go the plat route and it wouldn't really give us anything worthwhile, but it's actually nice!) There might be some characters that are only from Lone Trail but there really isn't any major spoiler outside of character stuff related to Muelsyse.

Biology researcher A: Kaili, how is it?

Biology researcher B: I just finished recording the data of the plants from the arctic. 53 new species entering the garden, most of them are doing well, managing to survive the initial observation period. However, as you can see…

Biology researcher A: O these two sheath leaf zelkova trees had these weird spiral patterns, this means they are dehydrated.

Those icefield cotton plants, it is clearly still in its growing period, but it’s not growing more cotton balls, and their fluffiness is less than normal.

Biology researcher B: That one is the one that shows it the most obvious. Square sunflowers should always be facing their petals towards the sun, but it’s drooping so much it’s almost touching the ground.

Biology researcher A: It’s within expectations. After all, this entire extreme habitat ecological garden has only just begun planning, our data and experience is just not enough.

Let’s go ask Director Muelsyse, she must know where our problem lies.

Biology researcher B: (Speaking of, Director Muelsyse is quite mysterious, she understands plants too well. Everyone under her thinks perhaps… Director Muelsyse may or may not be able to talk with plants.) Biology Researcher A: (Stop making up rumours)

Muelsyse: Kaili, try this new configuration for this area’s habitat’s data collection cycle, taking care to use fungus so we can use mycorrhiza to help boost the water and nutrient absorption.

Biology Researchers A & B: Director Muelsyse!

Researcher B: …but I was very carefully following the data that miss Magallan gave us to take care of the plants.

Muelsyse: These plants were the ones that Maggie brought back, but Maggie is a scientific researcher, she doesn’t quite fully understand plant biology.

Muelsyse: It’s just that when these plants were in Sami, the data she collected was correct.

Muelsyse: The ecological garden is “too warm” for them.

Muelsyse: Try turning the temperature and moisture down a bit.

Biology Researcher B: Okay, Director Muelsyse.

Muelsyse: Next let's take a look at the plateau section, come with me.

…

Sheath leaf Zellkova: …

Icefield cotton: …

Square Sunflower: …

Sheath leaf Zellkova: (happy finger movements)

Icefield cotton: (forcefully stretching oneself)

Icefield cotton: Sheath leaf zellkova, be careful, your fingers were curled, stretching them like that, be careful of straining your leaf veins.

Sheath leaf Zellkova: I haven’t said anything about you yet, moving so much, your cotton was flying onto my face.

Icefield cotton: What did that person just say? Going to the plateau section? If I let my cotton wool fly a bit further, who knows maybe I could have a chat with the legendary stipa capillata.

Sheath leaf zellkova: You just left Sami, everything is so fresh.

Oi, square sunflower, how come you’re not talking?

Square Sunflower: I’m so withered, no energy at all. Probably not used to the new environment.

Sheath leaf zellkova: No I saw them not eating and not drinking, guessing they’re depressed.

Square sunflower: …..

???: So they were depressed huh.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Who is talking?

Square sunflower: ….it’s raining.

Icefield cotton: IT can rain indoors? Is this the so-called cyclic system?

Sheath leaf zellkova: What kind of rain is this? The water droplets stuck on my branches, I can’t even shake them off? Square sunflower: …..

Muelsyse: Hello everyone, I’ll reintroduce myself. I am Muelsyse.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Oh you’ve come again, Muelsyse.

Muelsyse: sorry sorry, I just went to find Nastja to change some of the setup, that bastard is so hard to get talking, it took a bit of time to get everything sorted. 

You’re condition today is much better than before oh.

Sheath leaf zellkova: I’m getting by.

Muelsyse: Sheath leaf zellkova, you didn’t happen to curl up your leaves on purpose right?

Sheath leaf zellkova: ….

Muelsyse: For the next month before the second batch of plants arrive, the arctic section is my personal responsibility.

In the afternoon I will change your culture media, the new one is a reconfiguration based off of the dirt in Sami.

It has all the nutrients you would need, I will also control the “rain” and “fog” to replenish randomly, it won’t be as “rigid” of a schedule.

If there is anything you need just let me know. Landform, air, dirt, water, the air…whatever conditions is most suited for you to survive? No matter how bizarre, the ecological garden can take care of it.

Icefield cotton: You’re really patient, Muelsyse.

Muelsyse: Actually, ever since I started planning the ecological garden, I was going to build the arctic section, but nobody from ecological had gone to Sami, so this kept on getting pushed back

These past years at Rhinie directing ecological experiments, I thought I already was stable enough, just thinking….

Icefield cotton: Why sami? In many people's eyes, it is merely an inaccessible and cold place, sealed by its geography, mysterious and dangerous.

Muelsyse: It actually isn’t just Sami. I am interested in the lifeforms in every habitat of Terra…

Sami is also pretty special. Flarks, forests, and icefields are all arranged together, these bizarre landforms together is a bit… how do you say it, has some “force”

Additionally, while the core circle is indeed very harsh and cold, but Sami’s plants species are strangely very varied and full, this does not follow the intuitive knowledge of biology.

So I’m guessing, Sami should be very “clean.”

Icefield Cotton: “Clean?”

Muelsyse: I took a sample from you guys… in your roots, the orginium particles is much lower than average.

Icefield cotton: I don’t understand what you are talking about 

Muelsyse: Up until now, Sami was my ideal experiment environment.

Sheath leaf zellkova: So, you want to create a “Sami” in this huge glass room?

Muelsyse: glass room…yes.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Muelsyse, why? Muelsyse: because I am Rhine Lab ecology’s youngest most capable ecological researcher.

I have the power, and the responsibility to turn this large glass room into the cleanest place of all of Terra. It will have the cleanest air, the most habitable weather, the most nutrient filled dirt…

It will also have a vibrant habitat, every fragile lifeform can live freely in this dwelling.

This was what I have been chasing for… how to say it, goal.

Icefield cotton: (Using all its powers to shed its wool)

Sheath leaf zellkova: (cheerfully waving its branches)

Muelsyse: haha, thank you

Square sunflower: ….

 Was that really worth clapping for?

Muelsyse: a…

Square sunflower! You weren’t talking this whole time, suddenly opening your mouth surprised me.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Been here for half a month, he’s always been like this 

Ah man, this guy, always a bit depressing.

Icefield cotton: From Sami’s forest getting moved into this weird city, he’s still brooding about that.

We’re already here, look a bit. I had a ball of wool float into the neighbouring water habitat, even managed to feel the “saltiness of ocean water.”

Staying in Sami, you would have turned into scat already. Your flower disc’s seeds have so many special attributes, birds will treat you as food, those big appetite carnivores will use you to help digest…

Square sunflower: Just focus on shedding your wool, where does all this wordiness come from.

Icefield cotton: sigh.

Square sunflower: Muelsyse, aren’t you curious as to why after coming here I’ve withered so much?

Square sunflower’s flower disc will always search for the sun. In your habitat there was indeed a light source system, and can even mimic the various light of the sun throughout the day.

Using your words, it’s very “advanced.”

…but it still isn’t the real sun.

Muelsyse: mm….

Square sunflower: The sun is outside of this glass room. But tearing apart the glass, the room’s dirt, air, temperature, moisture, microorganism colonies are not up to par.

Even if you 100% replicate Sami’s every grain of dirt, every gust of wind, every chunk of ice, this place wouldn’t be much different from the specimen box I was transferred into.

Muelsyse: Oh, your phototaxis is too special, I truly don’t have any way of compensating.

Square Sunflower: I didn’t mean that.

Muelsye: No, I already know.

The coast, mudflats, forest, desert, black forest…every veil you pull back on nature, there will be more surprises.

No matter if it is the temperament of the four seasons, warm and inviting, cold and bitter, extreme conditions, no matter what kind of life, they are all the product of thousands of years of evolution…

It’s not a matter of not having a badly set up “experimental environment”.

Square Sunflower: This place will not be “Sami.”

Muelsyse: Ah, I really wanted to take you out of this environment, let you see the Rhine Lab headquarters, see the entirety of Trimounts.

To me, Sami is mysterious. To you at the same time, science is the mysterious one.

Science can help us defeat the natural boundaries of nature, shape a new environment, science can help us…search for new answers.

Square Sunflower: You are deluding yourself, Muelsyse.

Muelsyse: hm?

???: There is a technology company’s exploration platform in Columbia’s northern mountainous region found the last light fir species…

Muelsyse: What does this have to do with you?

???: There is a village nearby, but the records of the relevant people are already expired…as though there is an overlap with the missing people cases in Trimounts.

Muelsyse: I think it is Director Yara, she wouldn’t really care about what her employees do after work.

With your behaviour, it’s not as though you can claim the moral high ground, little Justin.

Justin: Aye, don’t mind me. I didn’t have other meaning, I also don’t have any clue what you are chasing.

I have just seen with my own two eyes the process of talking business cooperation, I thought that if I had something Director Muelsyse was interested in, maybe she would answer my request to meet.

Muelsyse: ……

The cunning business Director is really this much of a coward? Ecology’s work, it’s actually not that busy.

I’ll come find you. You’re at HQ?

Justin: I’m downstairs at the cafe. Director Muelsyse complained about my office’s decorative style, standing at the entryway not even stepping a single foot in.

Muelsyse: Then I’ll see you at your office.

Sheath leaf zellkova: You’re back. You suddenly left for half a month right?

Muelsyse: um. Ah.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Icefield cotton. She…

Muelsyse: I saw it already.

……

It’s raining in the ecological garden.

Raindrops enter the leaf veins of the Zellkova, raindrops wet the petals of the sunflower, raindrops land on the already withered plant rhizome.

The rain isn’t big, it’s not pouring, but there is no intention to stop.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Muelsyse, are you crying?

Muelsyse: ……

Sheath leaf zellkova: I’m not blaming you

That employee named Kaili already gave it her all to take care of the cotton……

Muelsyse: I know.

No matter refilling the nutrient solution, using better growth mediums, in the end it just cannot compete with Sami’s habitat. But it’s as though all of the Arctic plant groups haven’t developed fully…

Square sunflower: Hey, don’t cry, it’s getting everyone wet, it’s so uncomfortable.

Muelsyse: ……

I was thinking, the next shipment of Sami plants, should we delay planting them in the ecological garden.

Square sunflower: hm, are you someone so easily swayed?

Muelsyse: Oh, scientific discovery is hard, occasionally hitting dead ends is fairly normal.

Square sunflower: then why are you crying? Muelsyse: ……

Muelsyse: After talking to Justin, I went to visit Columbia’s northern mountainous district.

Square sunflower: Is that really far?

Muelsyse: not really, three to four days to get there… I was just there for a week.

Square sunflower: If it’s not far, then why did you just now go? Muelsyse: Because it was really hard to find, I had to look for so long.

Square sunflower: ……

Muelsyse: From all of the orphanages, going to the empty old houses I used to live in, to the Trimount’s Universty, then to Rhine Lab’s laboratories….

From the shelves lined full of old records, to nameless plaques, then to Mumu’s laboratory to report – Yes, I even used my own biological product to experiment.

I looked for so long.

I finally found it there. I thought there would be the answers I needed, regarding my parents, regarding my people, regarding myself.

Square sunflower: ……

Muelsyse: I must turn this large glass building into the cleanest place on Terra, it must have the cleanest air, the most habitable weather, the most nutrient filled dirt…

It must have the richest habitat, every fragile being must be able to live in here.

….including myself.

So, I must find these answers, I must know why my own life is so fragile, why I am so sensitive to originium.

I don’t need to know what I am, what “elves” are, I need to know how to give birth, whether or not there are still other elves out there, where my future…is.

Square sunflower: ….You didn’t find the answer, so you returned empty handed.

Muelsyse: there was only a broken village, a dying tree species, humble cemetery…. Time buried everything.

There was nothing to learn, whether or not those elves buried there were those who could answer my questions, or are the same as me; searching for the answers to the same questions without an end in sight.

Sheath leaf zellkova: Muelsyse, are you okay?

You look really tired, you can rest against my tree trunk for a bit.

Muelsyse: Square sunflower, you are right.

The ecological garden’s snowy mountain isn’t a snowy mountain, the icefield isn’t an icefield, I will never be able to recreate a “Sami”......

Because I myself am not sure, what I am looking for, what kind of place that is.

Square sunflower:......

The rain is still falling

The rootless water droplets in the ecological garden forms a curtain of drizzle.

Square sunflower: Stop crying, Muelsyse.

Sami never rained like this, your crying is destroying the arctic section’s life forms, when the plants get sick, you will have more problems.

Muelsyse: …..

Square sunflower: Actually…

Icefield cotton itself doesn’t live for very long, when the icefield’s winter wind blows strongly, there isn’t a single strand of cotton able to stay on the plant.

The past two days, the icefield cotton’s cotton balls was everywhere, there was a moment where I really thought this was Sami’s icefields.

Muelsyse: ….thank you.

Square sunflower: It was also the cotton’s fault for being so curious. When you weren’t here she let her cotton fly all over the arctic area, highlands, the coastal area. She managed to sate her curiosity.

She went through the entire ecological garden…. Close to a thousand species, there were a lot among them that were the kind that wouldn’t appear again.

Even though you said you wanted to build your ideal habitat, but what you’re doing, it’s not just that…. Hm, put it like this, you are pretty similar to that person.

Muelsyse: hm?

Square sunflower: I said I have seen someone quite similar to you.

From the beginning I already knew, just not quite as clear…..you can all “feel” us, you are all doing similar things, though you are in the lab, they are in the forest.

Plants are their bandages, raindew is their analgesic….as they should, they are stitching Sami’s injury.

Muelsyse: ….!

Square sunflower, are you sure?

Square sunflower: Of course, I was even helped by them.

The rain stops

Muelsyse stands in the center of the garden, looking at the plants in front of her deep in thought.

Muelsyse: I already did two comparative experiments, the answer were all the same. That is to say, the theories we got from your anatomy and selection results are basically correct.

Square sunflower: ….

Muelsyse: Your flower plate contains a lot of chemicals that we don’t yet know of, they brought a certainty to my theory’s results.

You really are a special plant. You have a sort of “healing” capability, just that the healing is for a sort of yet to be discovered natural species.

Square sunflower:....

Muelsyse: But the plant’s main body doesn’t have any sort of automatic healing ability.

That is to say, there is someone using you. Those people’s bodies, are a crucial part of Sami’s habitat’s mechanism.

Sami, are there my people there?

Sunlight pours through the glass, the square sunflower wiggled a bit.

Muelsyse: Thank you, my imaginary friend.

Ecological researcher: Director Muelsyse…..

Muelsyse: oh….

Ecological researcher: That, you….. Sorry for your loss! Muelsyse: ah?

Ecological researcher: Aren’t you able to talk to plants? Icefield cotton… I….

Muelsyse: Kaili, this is more ridiculous than the rumour of the old mountain goat turning themselves into a superhuman, and then sparring with Saria at night…..

Ecological researcher: ….right, I’m sorry

Oh, I was here to send you a letter.

This is the “Trimounts institute of Technology School Report”, “Ecological survey” “Natural Exchange” these three leading publications inviting to publish, they are all super interested in your latest results.

Your plant communication laboratory, in plant studies and plant system studies have all been proven to work. For biological studies, this is a huge milestone.

Muelsyse: It was all thanks to the help of everyone.

Ecological researcher: Then for the journals? Muelsyse: Let’s accept them all, but please reply to them, there might be a while before I submit a paper.

Ecological researcher: Do you need to rest for a bit? Ah right, you did just travel back from far away only to throw yourself back to work.

Muelsyse: No. I need to go to Sami for a trip.

[imabeautifulbutterfly]

Upside Down - Chapter 34

Summary: Iz makes an interesting discovery; Nerium finally starts her training with Quinlan; Pepper begins to question her choices; Anakin let’s an incident with Padme affect his thinking.

(This chapter follows the incident of the Zillo Beast, and runs concurrently with the ‘Senate Spy’ episode of the Clone Wars. Just in case I’m following the chronological version of the Clone Wars, not the aired version.)

A/N: Hello lovelies,

Oh how lovely to be able to write again, to have a routine and a schedule. LOL. I will hopefully be able to upload on a more regular basis, at least once a week in rotation, however, it’s not a hard and fast rule. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their 2023 so far, and it’s going the way you hope. 

Love oo

Italics - flashback 

Bold - Comms

Warnings: mentions of possible treason, corruption, grief, teasing, flirting, kissing, feelings of not good enough, feelings of doubt, force use, dark side of the force, sensation of being choked, sensation of being trapped, disbelief, fainting, mentions of being trapped, mentions of waiting to be rescued, medical staff overwhelmed, mentions of distancing oneself emotionally and physically, mentions of trauma, implied poisoning, questioning of trust, anger, I think that’s it if I miss any please let me know.

AO3 Link   |   Words: 5,266   |   Previous - - - > Next

Upside Down Master List   |   Main Master List

SPY

Izani stood before the Jedi Council, this was a first for her. Ever since Api passed away, she was given the promotion of Marshall Commander of the Senate Guard. It threw her at first but the Guard had suffered a great many casualties after the Zillo beast incident, the Senate stressed how much they respected her abilities. What was needed now was stability, and she could provide that; at least she hoped she could provide it. 

“Sure, are you about this?” Master Yoda 

“It’s the only thing that makes sense. Most of the Senators who have been threatened had some form of connection with the Banking Clan, and yet the only Senator not to receive a threat of any kind has been …”

“The Banking Clan” Master Kenobi offered

Izani simply nodded her head, “The only way we will know for sure is if we send in a spy, someone to work alongside Rush Clovis.”

“Was there  someone who had in mind?”

She shifted in her stance as she thought about how she wanted to reveal personal information about a Senator’s life, “There is someone who …” she cleared her throat, “is familiar with Rush Clovis.”

“Someone? Care to be specific?” Master Windu could feel the apprehension coming from the Marshall Commander in front of him. 

“Well before I came here, I did reach out to this particular individual” Izani was doing her best to be careful about what she said with regards to Senator Amidala, she had several ties with the Jedi Council, she’d been mentioned in the news numerous times with Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi. 

“How did this individual answer?” Master Mundi did his best to be wary of the woman standing before them. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her, it was that her loyalty wasn’t necessarily to the Republic, rather to the Senate. After all that’s who she reported to, that’s who she protected. Only reason she was before them now, was because they had a common concern. 

“They were not inclined to take on the assignment, and pretty much told me to stop asking them. We all know the Banking Clan is in a tenuous position of doing its best not to play favourites between the Separatist and the Republic. Yet, we have Senators and their families being threatened to sway their votes. The only way to know for certain …”

“Have someone work alongside Rush Clovis” Master Kenobi finished her thought, he stroked his chin as he tried to remember all the bills the Banking Clan had put forth lately. “Perhaps, this is not necessarily about a new bill that is to put on the floor.”

“Different idea, you have Master Kenobi?” Yoda focused his attention on his padawan, there were times when his movements were the spitting image of Qui-Gon Jinn. 

“What if this is simply not about the Banking Clan, but what if this had to do with Senator Clovis directly conspiring with the Separatist.”

Izani nodded as she followed Master Kenobi’s thinking, “That would actually make sense.”

“More, you have discovered?” Yoda asked the Marshall Commander.

“In a way, there was a security feed I came across of Senator Clovis speaking with an individual, despite our best efforts, the identity of the individual has alluded us. However, as the Jedi Council has more resources, you may be able to identify the individual faster than we can.”

“Do you have this security feed?”

Izani nodded, tapping a few commands on her datapad, the screens on the windows slid closed before a holorecording began to be displayed in the centre of the room. It clearly showed Clovis in deep discussions with an individual, the face was blurry, but the clothes were clearly visible. 

“Do you have any possible idea as to who the individual may be?” Master Windu inquired.

“From their clothing, they appear to be from Cato Neimoidia, however that is all we could determine.”

“What is the name of the individual you asked to spy on Senator Clovis?”

“Senator Amidala”

“Leave with us, this concern” Yoda answered

“We will speak with Senator Amidala, and determine if Senator Clovis is in fact conspiring with the Separatists”

Izani bowed before heading out of the Council Chambers.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It had been several days since she met with the Jedi Council, with no news, not that she expected to hear anything since they now took over the case. 

It was weird sitting at her desk, Api’s desk, regardless of how many times she reminded herself Api wasn’t going to come in and tell her in his own subtle way to get out of his chair. She’d never hear another one of his quirky jokes. She rubbed the stress out of her eyes, running her hands through her hair.  There were times she could see Api standing there in her office, smirking at seeing her behind the desk, something she had resisted for a really long time.

“You look good behind the desk”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever”

“Don’t you want the desk?”

“What and have the responsibility of all this?” Iz motioned to the mountains of datapads on the desk, “Subbing for you for the week is more than enough.” She stood from the desk stretching out her back and arms, “Alright.” She shook out her arm, “I am officially handing over the keys of the kingdom back to you. This pile here” she pointed to the first one, “completed and signed off case work. This pile” she pointed to the second one, “in transition, read most of them, they just need your sign off. And this final pile here, are ones I haven’t gotten to yet.”

“Busy little bee”

“Yeah, amazing what can happen when someone actually focuses on their work.”

“You saying I don’t focus”

“Hey … those words never came out of my mouth”

“No, you just implied it. Alright” Api motioned for her to move away from the desk, “I guess it’s time for me to ‘focus’ or whatever.”

“Don’t be such a child.”

“I’m not a child, you’re a child” he mumbled under his breath.

Izani chuckled a little to herself, wiping away the tear that had appeared. She let out a sigh of defeat, as she did her best to focus on the report in front of her. 

She felt as her anxiety was rising, maybe it was because she was missing Api, didn’t help that she hadn’t been able to see Fox in the past few days, and having zero communication with the Council wasn’t exactly making her feel comfortable with the Jedi per say, especially since she didn’t enjoy the idea of having her case taken from her either. 

“How did it go?” 

The voice pulled her out of her musings, as her eyes focused on the Red Coruscanti Guard armour, she couldn’t help as a smile spread across her lips at seeing Fox standing there. 

“Let’s just say I’m glad it’s done.”

“They didn’t believe you?” He asked as he strode into her office, the door closing behind him. 

“Oh they did, so much in fact they took the case from me.”

Fox stopped in his tracks, shock donning his face, “They took the case from you?”

Iz simply shrugged, “What are you going to do?’

“You didn’t fight it?”

“Against the Council of the Jedi? Are you nuts! They probably would have used some Jedi trick just to get me to agree. If they want it, let them take it. I still have something up my sleeve.”

“Meaning?”

“The Senator from Malastare”

“What about them?”

“They said that everything was a lie, and before I could get more information, they were killed on Malastare during the beasts rampage. Yet, somehow I don’t think they were talking about Rush Clovis, corruption is one thing, but they way they spoke, the fear they had, that was something more than corruption. That was outright terror. Something terrified him. Something big.”

“A.K.A. You’re not done” Fox stood beside her, as his hand rested on her shoulder. 

She simply nodded, as she looked into his eyes, “Not done.”

He leaned down, pressing his lips against hers, “Good” he mumbled against her lips, as his hand gently held her neck, his thumb stroking the side of her chin. He took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, getting lost in the sensation of her. She shifted without breaking contact till she sat on her desk as Fox stepped in between her feet, taking the opportunity to go a bit further, and would have, had it not been for the beeping from her comm.

She pulled back, letting out a disappointed sigh, as Fox’s forehead rested against hers, they both looked over to the relentless comm. Wishing for it to stop only to hear it beep again. 

Izani pushed him back enough to reach for comm, “Marshall Commander Izani, here”

“Commander Izani, Master Kenobi here, could you please make your way down to conference room JT984-Alpha.”

“I’m on my way”

The comm chirped indicating the end of the communication, she let out a sigh, her hand still on Fox’s chest, she focused on his eyes a hint of mischievous there, “Sorry, I gotta go”

“I understand Marshall Commander. Perhaps, we could schedule a meeting later, to go over some interesting developments.”

She smirked as she sat up again, Fox not moving away, instead caging her in with his arms, “Interesting developments?”

“Hmmm” he hummed, “There are a few things that require your … delicate attention.” His finger trailed along the edge of her ear, moving down the side of her neck, and down her arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. 

“I’m sure to provide all the attention these developments require, unfortunately, I do have a meeting to get to.”

Fox stepped back, a coquettish smile on his lips, nodding in understanding, “Wouldn’t want you to be late for your meeting” he unclipped his helmet from his belt, placing one final kiss on her cheek before putting it on. “Commander” he bowed.

“Commander” she smirked back at him, shaking her head at seeing him sway his hips for her before he exited the room, going back into his normal walk. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

“Feel the force, Nerium. Let it flow in and around you.”

“If you tell me to feel the force one more time…” This was my first official day training with Quinlan Vos, and all he had to say for the umpteenth time was to let the force flow. “I don’t see how this is going to get me closer to you telling me everything.”

“Give it time, now stop yammering and focus”

I let out a huff of annoyance as I closed my eyes. 

My body began to feel weightless as I focused on my breathing like Quinlan taught me. It wasn’t long before I felt my mind calming down and clearing.

Just as my mind was about to shut off, images began to flash in my mind one after another, scenes I hadn’t witnessed before. 

Rex stood with his armour, clean and pristine, a few more notches on his helmet, shining in the light of Coruscant commanding a group of men at the barracks of the 501st. Rex image wafted away, only to see Wolffe sitting at his desk was reviewing a datapad, yet there was a smirk on his lips as he glanced at a holopic on his desk, a image that depicted Lief sitting on his shoulders laughing, as Mafs held a box of their possessions on the day they moved in with her sister, now that their apartment was not livable. Wolffe’s smirk was replaced by Plo’buir stroking his tusks as he sat in the Jedi Council room listening to a report. The Jedi Council room disappeared, a refresher came into view, with Vi hovering over the vacc tube vomiting. Her face was flushed as she wiped her mouth, a few seconds later she moved towards the sink, splashing water over her face. She began counting on her fingers, closing her eyes rubbing her forehead. Vi’s image was replaced with Fives laughing and joking with Echo as they walked down the street of Coruscant. 

The images disappeared one by one, until darkness began to surround me. 

A coldness trailed down my back, seeping into my chest, into my heart; the ice running through my veins paralyzed me instantly. Breathing was becoming difficult, as the ice gripped my lungs, I needed to run as far away as possible from the darkness. From the cold.

My breathing began to quicken, the coldness gripped my heart, squeezing it. I did my best to take in a deep breath, I needed to calm down. As breathing evened out a warmth flooded my body. Regardless, the darkness wasn’t ready to let me go, instead fingers wrapped around me, squeezing me, keeping me there. 

Something was telling me not to give up, not to give in, the answers I were seeking, the reason behind everything was just there beyond the darkness, all I had to do was fight harder against the darkness. The bands wrapped around me began to loosen and crack under my defensive actions. 

The warmth inside me began to grow, like a balloon being filled, ready to burst. I took in one more sundering breath, and pushed as hard as I could against the grip. The fingers that had wrapped around me so tight preventing me from moving had now fallen away. There amongst the darkness, I could see a glimmer of light. It was warm and inviting, that small glint provided a sense of security I had only felt in Rex’s arms. 

With all my might I pushed myself to the light, at the same time doing my place to drag it closer to me, hoping to close the distance. Under the strain the small glint began to crack until it cracked until a bigger streak peaked through. With each push the crack broke more and more, ebbing away the darkness, until it completely disappeared, leaving only a bright light to encapsulate me completely. 

Now with the darkness gone, I could finally breathe, the ice running through my veins were gone, the grip on my chest had evaporated. I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, the air was clean and fresh. Refreshing in every way possible. 

As the adrenaline eased off, the sounds of waves filled my ears. As it sloshed around me, warming me up, I opened my eyes slowly, starring down at the pool of water, it shimmered gold all around me as I sat there. 

There was a cloud like substance all around me, it felt similar and yet foreign at the same time, almost as if it was a dream I had from long ago.

The clothes I was wearing had changed, it was no longer the comfortable clothes Quinlan had given me, it was now a white dress that flowed in the breeze. I couldn’t help think about how much Rex could do with a place like this; a safe place, somewhere refreshing, somewhere far away from everyone. I couldn’t help let out a laugh, when I felt someone was standing there staring at me. I looked up to see Rex standing there, his armour was different, it seemed like an older model, the kind I saw when I first arrived on Coruscant from Onderon. 

Even through the helmet I could tell he was looking into my eyes, and for some reason it made me giggle knowing he was there with me, I wanted to send my love and warmth towards him. I closed my eyes for a second, and just like that he was gone. I looked around, searching for him. Calling out for him, but he was gone.

I stood walking around, hoping for something, some sort of direction or even instructions as to what this place was; when I felt someone behind me. Turning slowly to see a woman I had never seen before.

There was a smile on her face, her hair flowed all around her. She seemed like a pleasant woman, someone I could be friends with, if … if this wasn’t all in my mind. At least as far as I could imagine it was in my mind. 

“I didn’t think you’d find me, but you’re here.” her voice was melodious and yet it sounded far away, almost a distant echo.

“I believe you’re mistaken. I don’t know you.”

“You wouldn’t. You were barely a month old when I had to give you away.”

“Excuse me?” I shook my head, “I don’t know who you are, but I was born on Onderon, my father and mother are from Onderon. She’s … well she’s … Who are you?”

“I am your mother.”

I shook my head again, taking a step back, “No. No. That’s … my father wouldn’t have …you’re lying!”

“Nerium. Just breathe.”

“No. You’re lying. It’s a lie.” I started looking for a way out, “I want out! I need out!” I kept pacing back and forth, looking for an exit, running further away from her, she couldn’t be telling the truth. My father said I was his … that I was … no! 

“NO!” My eyes opened to see Quinlan sprawled on the other side of the room knocked out, by some force. The table that had been beside us was crumbled, everything was tossed and turned over in the room. My body felt sweaty and drained; I wanted to crawl over to him to check if he was alright, if he was still alive. However, the moment I moved, the room went dark, everything shut down around me, as the room tilted on its side. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kix shifted as he sat at his desk on Coruscant, after the Zillo incident things were in disarray, who survived, who was still missing, who needed medical attention. General Skywalker, had insisted everyone receive a full physical before going back to active duty. As much as everyone hated a full physical, it was a way to make sure everyone was still able to fulfill their duties.

“Pep, has Lt. Violet Lirx, shown up for her physical yet?” Pepper looked back at him a quizzical look on her face, as he chuckled, “Vi”

“Ohhh” she giggled as she moved beside him, her finger playing against his nape, as she stood beside him acting nonchalant, “I didn’t realize who you were talking about for a second. So weird to hear her full title.” She kept trailing her finger over a spot she knew particularly would drive him insane, the reddening of his ears were a clear indication it was affecting him.

He shifted his neck, doing his best to focus on his work, he couldn’t lose focus now, not when they were on Coruscant and everyone was watching them. Well keeping more of an eye on them than on the Triumph. 

“You really need to stop” Kix closed his eyes, thinking over the medical texts he studied back on Kamino, however that didn’t work. 

“What’s wrong? I’m just looking over your work.”

“If you continue to play this game, you’ll have to deal with the consequences” he glanced up to look in her eyes, “Are you prepared for that?”

Pepper smirked as her finger now trailed over to his ear, caressing it gently, “My dear, I have no idea what you are referring to, I’m simply doing my best to help you, and on that note, no. I do not believe Lt. Violet (a.k.a. VI) Lirx has been in for her physical despite the fact I commed her several times.”

All flirtatious thoughts ran out the window as soon as she said that, “Are we sure she’s alright? Maybe she was more injured than she realized?”

“Fives spoke with her yesterday, but even then it was brief. It seems everyone has tried to reach out to her, but she’s sporadically comming people back. I think the incident really shook her up, emotionally and mentally, after all she was trapped in the debris for a good two days. I think what’s worse is that she hasn’t been able to really deal with what happened.”

Kix let out a long sigh, full of empathy and pain for her, they weren’t exactly close per say, but he had grown to respect her, and appreciated how much she cared for Fives, for all of them, he ran his hand over his face, “All the more reason we need to have her come in, so we can assess her mental well-being as well. I know she was looked after by Neri at the hospital, but that was a quick overview of her physical well-being, and even Neri stated in her assessment, she needs to speak with someone.”

He stood from his seat, moving around the desk, pacing back and forth; with all the chaos going on, he hadn’t been able to follow up with everyone as he wanted. To really sit down and have a one-on-one discussion. “Okay, this is what we’re going to do. We will reach out to her one more time, express the urgency of needing her to come, give her a deadline. If she doesn’t contact us, we will get Fives and Nerium to contact her, and maybe let Neri do the physical.”

“Do you think she’s in danger?”

“I don’t know” Kix moved his neck from side to side hoping to relieve the tension that had been built up there, “And I won’t know unless she communicates with us. Let’s keep this between us for now, just in case.”

Pepper simply nodded, she hadn’t realized how serious the situation could have been and the guilt was beginning to build. Vi had said after the rescue she was fine. In truth she had been so focused on keeping her mind focused on trying to save those who were severely injured and pushing the stress and anxiety from that day out of her mind, she just let Vi slip through the cracks. She was lost in thought, when she felt Kix’s hand on her shoulder, “Hey cyar’ika it’s not your fault” he caressed her cheek hoping to calm her down. 

He could see the guilt building up within her, as her breathing quickened, and tears began to well up in her eyes. 

“If I had done a better job … if I had just …”

“Hey look at me” he held her face, forcing her to look into his eyes, “We can’t save everyone and we can’t always be there. We need to find out how she’s doing first, before we can jump to conclusions right? For all we know, she’s swamped with her duties. Let’s wait to see if she adheres to the deadline, if she doesn’t we’ll send Fives and Neri. Agreed?”

Pepper simply nodded, as she rested her head on his shoulder. It was bad enough, every day her family sent data streams indicating she should leave the GAR, that she wasn’t able to handle it, she’d never be good enough. Now with this, was she proving them right? Should she leave? Maybe someone else would’ve realized the danger Vi could’ve been in, no doubt Nerium would’ve for sure.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Anakin rushed into the med clinic with Padme in his arms, he made sure they docked on top of the hospital when they came back from Cato Neimoidia. He didn’t want to waste any time in getting the treatment she needed.  

Even though she had received the antidote from Senator Dod, there was still a concern regarding side effects from the poison she had received. As soon as he entered the clinic, the staff swarmed them, taking her to a private and secure room. He was forced to wait outside pacing back and forth until he heard news, it was probably one of the longest hours of his life. 

“General Skywalker?”

He turned to see Kix, he was thankful and grateful to have his medic there on hand, “Kix, tell me the news”

“Senator Amidala is fine, the poison wasn’t in her system long enough to cause any sort of permanent damage. She’ll suffer from a cold, for the next few days, fever, chills, coughing, but otherwise, the antidote did it’s work and neutralized the threat.”

Anakin let out a huge sigh of relief as he took in the information, his hands resting on his hips, nodding along, “Will she be able to go home?”

“I’ll make sure they keep her here for at least two days to confirm there are no side effects, but if her fever is kept down, and her symptoms don’t worsen, I believe she could go home then.”

“Thank you, Kix” he squeezed his man’s shoulder, appreciating Kix’s quick and honest assessment. Anakin moved towards Padme’s door, when he felt a hesitation coming from Kix. 

“Something troubling you, Kix?”

“It’s … the ceasefire. It’s over isn’t it?”

Anakin took in a deep breath, “I can’t say one way or another, Kix. What I can tell you, is that there will probably be an announcement regarding that topic in a few days, maybe sooner.”

“Understood, sir.”

He simply nodded before heading into Padme’s room, “How are you feeling?” She smirked, covering a cough that came on suddenly, Anakin rushed to her side, grabbing the cup of water on the table beside her, “Here, sip it slowly.” He held her up as he passed the cup, watching her like a mother nuna.

“If you keep staring like that, people are going to talk”

“About your beauty?”

She couldn’t help smiling, shaking her head at his antics, “Really, I’m fine” she held on to his hand, giving it a squeeze before she rested back against the pillows, “You need to go and report to the Council.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright alone?” Before Padme had a chance to answer Anakin’s comm beeped, he let out an annoyed sigh, without having to look he already knew who it was.

“They’re looking for you” she gave him a soft and sleepy smile, “I’ll be alright. Promise.” She squeezed his hand one more time, he nodded placing a kiss on the back of her hand. 

“Let me know if you need anything”

Padme simply nodded, as she adjusted herself one more time, before falling asleep to the sounds of Anakin’s feet exiting the room. Sergeant Gregar Typho stood outside the door guarding the sleeping Senator, “You will stand here by yourself?” Anakin eyed the Sergeant carefully, he seemed like a respectable and trustworthy man; he was quite useful on Cato Neimoidia.

“Senator Amidala’s personal bodyguard will be arriving in the next two minutes, as well the Senators’ Guards will be coming shortly, I believe the Marshall Commander herself will be arriving shortly.”

“Alright, keep your wits about you. Please make sure to contact me if anything, and I mean anything seems amiss.”

“Will do, General Skywalker.”

Anakin took one more look at the closed door, before he headed towards the Council chambers with the holodisc, ready to lay out Senator Clovis’ misdeeds. As he walked towards the chambers he couldn’t help but rejoice at the idea of making the Senator pay, was it wrong that he wanted to see the man squirm? Was it because he wanted justice for the Republic or was it because he hated the fact Padme had to be friendly with Rush? Either way, he wanted to see him suffer; he knew he shouldn’t feel that way, he shouldn’t be looking forward to such animosity, but he couldn’t help it.

Before he even realized it he was standing in the middle of the Council chambers, going over everything he discovered regarding Rush Clovis, he must have been more distracted than he realized. He was brought back to the present as Obi-wan shifted in his seat.

“Confirmed, you have, Senator Clovis’ association?” Master Yoda kept his eyes on the young Jedi Knight standing before him. He was a passionate and caring Jedi, although his attention towards Senator Amidala had always been one that caused him concern. 

“It is clear the Senator is working with the Separatists, otherwise why would he have access to their factory?”

“Hmmm” Master Windu cupped his chin as he analyzed the information Skywalker had brought before them, “I believe it would be best to leave Senator Clovis alone for now”

“Excuse me!” Anakin’s voice raised higher than he had expected, however he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “Are we really letting this man … this Senator who we know is working with the Separatists go free?”

“It’s not as simple as you think, Anakin” Obi-wan spoke up, hoping to calm his padawan’s frustration.

“Not as simple?”

“The mere fact the Senator in question is from the Banking clan, proves it is not as simple as we think” Master Mundi stated.

“He could use his connections as a member of the Banking clan to justify the reason he was there on Cato Neimoidia” Master Billaba clarified, “We weren’t privy to their conversations, nor did we have anyone record their conversation.”

“What about the attempt on Senator Amidala’s life?”

“Unfortunate as it was” Master Iluminara answered, “The animosity between the Trade Federation and the Senator from Naboo is a long entrenched one, he could easily claim it was a separate incident and nothing to do with the reason he was on Cato Neimoidia.”

“Not to mention he was able to administer the antidote, in fact saving Senator Amidala’s life” Master Windu finished. 

“Yet, we know he was conspiring!” Anakin reaffirmed

Yoda nodded in understanding, “Act against Senator Clovis we cannot, of what we discovered regardless.”

“Be mindful of your emotions, young Skywalker” Master Mundi chastised, “We must act in a way beneficial to the Republic. Though unpleasant the situation, we must view it from all sides. We are keepers of the peace, not vengeful warriors seeking to punish those we think have wronged us.”

Anakin bowed before the Jedi Council, “Of course, Master. Forgive my outburst.” He stood, facing the Council once again, the turmoil within him calmed down, “I will follow the Council’s decision.”

“I fear this information confirms what we have felt in the force” Master Plo stated with a heavy heart, “The ceasefire is nothing more than a charade, a way to keep us distracted, allowing the droid factories on Geonosis to start up again.”

“The ceasefire is over” Master Windu’s voice rang throughout the chamber, everyone’s disappointment was felt through the force, “Prepare your troops, young Skywalker, we will be advising troop movements within the following few days.”

“As you command, Master Windu” Anakin bowed one more time, exiting as quickly as his legs could carry him, he was doing his best to remain calm while in their presence. 

He understood why they couldn’t act against Senator Clovis, but the fact Padme had to suffer, had to be near such an odious man, and there was nothing he could do, angered him. Made him feel weak, powerless, a waste of an existence. He needed more power, he didn’t want to feel weak like he had when he was slave, unable to stand up to the corruption or evil deeds he saw. He knew it was wrong of him to feel the want for more, it was wrong to think Clovis deserved to die, but he couldn’t help it. Just like before, his feet were moving him before he even realized where he needed to go. 

As he walked along the corridors, it registered in his mind where he was heading, to one of the abandoned training rooms. He definitely needed to vent his feelings and the best place to do it was far away from everyone. 

Previous - - - > Next

Upside Down Master List   |   Main Master List

TAG LIST:

@liadamerondjarin​ @badbatch-simp24​ @spicymcnuggies​ @lady-ren​ @firstofficerwiggles​ @darkangel4121​ @discofern​ @kavecika​ @monako-jinn-stories​ @ladykatakuri​ @avathebestx​ @theroguesully​ @furyhellfire66​ @carodealmeida​ @ulchabhangorm​ @cheesemachine44​ @justanothersadperson93​ @ciramaris​ @sprout-fics​ @twinkofthedink​ @dindjarin-mandalorian​ 

[precambrian-sea-pancake]

We all know why they continue to hide Ethan’s face…some think it’s a good choice, others don’t. Though I never see it talked about from an in-universe perspective? Like, what does this mean for the characters themselves who are experiencing it?

In the picture that Ethan brought with him to Louisiana, he face was cropped out. Obviously the focus was supposed to be on Mia since she was the one he needed a picture of. It seemed like a normal photo. It was either cropped or taken like that. So there was no reason to really think much of it.

Then we get to the family scrap book…oh boy…not a single picture of his face. That’s really weird if you think about it. I know we don’t see the WHOLE thing, but it’s enough that it raises an eyebrow. That many photos, especially of important events such as weddings and becoming parents should include clear pictures of everyone….but no, it’s always either him taking the picture, or someone else and him getting cropped out.

Ethan seems to be making an active choice to NOT be in photographs, or at least for his face not to be. I have friends who hate being on video, but will still take pictures. Even if you do hate getting your picture taken, you’re still going to be in some important photos. It’s too many to be a coincidence. (Again, this is from an in-universe standpoint.)

Ethan is way more than just camera shy. I genuinely think he has some…pretty bad self esteem issues. Which it’s definitely implied that’s he not good at taking care of himself. It can be seen in his first diary entry. He mentions he wanted to talk about Louisiana and finally come to terms for Rose’s sake, and that they “owe her that much”. Usually this kind of stuff is to benefit oneself. Obviously it would be good for Rose, but it interesting that doesn’t seem to see it as helping himself. There’s also the argument he had with Mia where he’s not quite getting her concern for him. Which she states she told him before. She’s getting frustrated with him because he’s putting too much worries onto others, than himself.

There’s also the deleted cutscene where she’s once again worried about him and the future. While they try to care for each other, he is ultimately the one to insist a positive outlook and that it will all be okay. Yet at the same time we see him talking to himself and denying his paranoia, telling himself that the threats are real and out to get him. He doesn’t believe he’s safe, he afraid of something yet acts like it’s all fine for the sake of Mia’s well being so she doesn’t have to worry.

He even continues this outlook in SOR when he feels he couldn’t protect her and even admits it, despite successfully doing that the whole time in the DLC.

I bring that up because it gives a bit of a basis to the rest of it.

So let’s get back to the pictures, with that in mind. Him not showing his face is probably rooted in some sort of uncomfortableness. I think he doesn’t think highly of himself, nor likes the way he looks (you know, the more obvious answer). He doesn’t consider himself as important as those around him. If we’re getting to the point that he’s RARELY in photos, then we’re getting into “I’m probably going to ruin the picture” or “It’ll look better without me” territory.

I think he always had this problem, even before re7, but I can see how that event would’ve made it worse. Especially when you see how often he’s been hurt, there’s bound to be LOT of scaring on him.

So, it really isn’t a stretch to believe this when we look at the rest of the character. Perhaps it could even be symbolic to how he sees himself as well.

Tldr: I think Ethan’s lack of showing his face in pictures is rooted in self consciousness and not carrying about himself as much as he should.

( @thisproject1sretired because you wanted to be tagged. Congrats, you’ve been tagged! :D)

[godtier]

I think you once said not to use your first name online, but when you think about it, if you don't give any location details and just use your first name, it feels even more neutral than a username. A chosen username will often reflect your interests or sense of humor, while there are tons of people with the same first name (unless you have a rare name)

that's certainly true! but i suppose the main issue that i find with that is when you're using your real name, you kind of get comfortable "being yourself," if that makes sense?

that's not to say that i think people should adopt personas when they're online, necessarily, but more that when someone is used to using their real name, they don't associate the concept of sharing further details with being a security risk inherently. when you use a handle, for example, that acts as a "reminder" that you should be careful so as not to associate your personal info with that handle. using your real name softens that a bit. it's a subconscious thing.

of course, if someone uses their real name and is able to keep the delineation clear enough, that's one thing. but it also boils down to what you want to get out of internet privacy when participating in fandom.

are you concerned with your IRL friends or your family finding your tumblr? maybe don't use your IRL name, then, especially if you've discussed stuff like your favorite character or different fandoms you're into with them in the past. even if you don't share other personal details like where you live or what you do for a job, it's using your real name when combined with other identifying factors where it can become easy to link people together.

if you're not concerned with that? then go for it. i ain't your mom.

keep in mind that most of my opsec advice is based around the assumption that an individual does not want to be tied to anything of their IRL side at all as well as keeping their accounts and experiences segmented to minimize things like doxing or bullying. it may not be desirable or practical for every individual situation.

but absolutely, if your name is common enough and you aren't so concerned with the possibility (no matter how small) of people figuring out who you are based on interests you have, then my advice won't be that useful in those circumstances.

oh, and re: the username bit. that's a good point, but that's when one has to educate oneself on how to create usernames that aren't identifying. obviously, don't use an in-joke people IRL will know. but basing your username around a type of flower you like probably isn't as identifying if it's not something you talk about constantly. it's all relative.

the ultimate thing is that you and you alone are responsible for your online experience, remember that. anyone who reads this should understand that they cannot expect random people online to act with their best interests in mind. if that's a concern, then one must simply take the appropriate steps to keep oneself safe. if not, my advice isn't for them. it's an active commitment for those who didn't grow up with the "don't tell anyone your real name/details/etc. online" stuff beaten into their brains, like i did.