#but my god it's sad how relevant it still is today

[pulsar-1919]

God, reading about and listening to podcasts about queer history it's disappointing to see that people have been infighting about the same shit for years

[stabbysideblog]

Distorted Echos

“He’s. Fragile.”

I scoff, the last word to describe Dream would be fragile. Sam frowns at me. “I’m serious.”

I lean across the table taking his coffee-warmed hands in my own. “Tell me how.”

Sam smiles at me, he has bags under his eyes. “He’s not. You. Well.” He looks up and away, that look he has when he’s solving a complex circuit or explaining something new to Althea. “He was a dog. Not an actual dog, he worked in Las Nevadas with Me and Quackity.” 

I pull away. He grabs my hands holding me in place. “Not. Me. Not our Quackity. I don’t know how but he’s from this SMP but wrong. Twisted, he was a- a- tool to them. He’s barely a person. They hurt him and he’s scared.”

“Let go of me.” I can’t breathe, this is Sam. My Sam, the man I love, my husband speaking kindly about Dream. He lets go, I hold my hands close to my chest, I can feel my heart pounding. “Let me visit him.” 

“I don’t-”

“Have you made progress with him?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“He’s Dream. I can-” I swallow, I need to see him. “I can talk to him.”

“You’re too emotional.”

“Next week then, give me time to- to- to think. Let me- He’s Just- Sam-” I take in a breath, quick inhale slow exhale. I let the words arrange in my throat, Sam waits for me. “Give me a week, tell me about him. I’ll be more composed. I can help you, Please let me help you.”

Sam is quiet. He looks at his comms. He looks at the coffee in his hands. He looks at the clock. He doesn’t look at me. “Fine. One hour. One week from today, we’ll have to get Puffy to babysit Althea.”

“Thank you.”

I stand on the platform staring at the lava, behind me is the warden, any sign of my husband is gone. He’s cold, calculating each movement. 

“You have one hour. Not a second more.”

I nod. Of course, that’s the deal. I know the rules. The lava drops and the platform starts to move. The elder guardian curses me, I flinch at the noise. Inside the cell I see him. He’s sitting in the middle of the cell staring. His knees are pulled to his chest like a child. His hair is shorter, Sam must have buzzed that mess off. He looks small like this. I step off the platform and his eyes dart up to look at me. He doesn’t move, not even when the blocks are retracted and I step into the cell proper. It’s less decorated than when I stayed here. Bookshelves, bed, plants, and fish tank gone. I don’t think he knows what he’s missing. 

“Hello Dream.” I sneer at him, he watches me. He’s different from the last time I saw him, his eyes aren’t as empty, they have a sadness to them. I don’t feel sorry for him. “You think your little ruse is going to work? Oh I’m Dream and I’m soooo sad and soo hurt I’m just so pathetic. Fuck off I’m not buying it. You’re Dream get up and be honest with me, I know all your tricks.” He just stares. It’s infuriating. It’s so infuriating I walk right up to him. “Get.” I shove him backwards. “Up.”

He falls backwards awkward limbs splaying out onto the ground. He’s so thin. 

“Sorry.” That’s all he says. His voice is rusty, broken. It doesn’t sound like Dream.

“Don’t- Don’t do that shit. Sound like that. I know you. Do you- Do you even know who I am?”

He shakes his head no, I guess I’m not worthy of words. 

“I’m YOU. I am the best version of you, I put in the work. I got help! I’m- I’m fixed for god’s sake! You’re still evil! I saw it in your eyes. You don’t even recognize the person you could have become.”

“Dream?”

“Not anymore.”

He looks down, avoiding eye contact. “Oh”

“Now tell the truth, I know everything you are.”

He shakes his head, stubborn just like I used to be. It’s maddening, how did Sam ever put up with me? I guess it’s time to use the big guns. “He knows everything. I told him everything so any stupid little secrets you think you’re keeping safe with this act- Just give up. I know you. I know how you think, how you feel, have fucking stupid you are. Now. Tell. The. Truth.”

“I am.” he whispers it, I only hear it because I had gotten in his face. 

“Prove it.”

He looks up at me finally, tears swimming in his eyes. He nods and scoots from underneath me standing up. Shakily he undresses, his body is littered with scars. One stands out above the others, an ornamental Q with a creeper face inside it branded over his back. I reach out to touch it, he flinches. 

“I worked for Sir- S- Sam. He made me right. A good dog. I was a good dog. I am a good dog.” His hands reach for his neck scratching at it. “I don’t know how I left him. Play dead, I did it.” He shows his wrist, the scar from the gash we had discovered. 

“You did that to yourself?” 

He nods. “I’m a good dog.”

“Stop that- stop saying that. You’re not a fucking dog.” He stares blankly. No wonder Sam hasn’t made any progress. “Look. Just. Tell me everything.” He nods and begins to speak.

I listened as he spilled everything that happened to him. Well not everything- some he can’t remember, some is too bad to be real, some he can only recount with a shiver and a gag. As he speaks my mind wanders, what if my Sam had been like his? What if he hated me as much as his did? He was almost done, getting close to his last time with his Sam when the lava drops. “Time to leave,”

“Wait-”

“We had a deal.”

“Okay,-” I turn to the pitiful thing. “Just trust Sam, this one is good. When he tells you something, listen, it won’t make sense at first but he’s good.” He nods, puppy-dog eyes watching me leave. I stand and walk onto the platform crossing the great molden abyss below. Sam gestures to me to leave, I spare a glance as the lava descends. “He’ll be easier now.” 

“I can handle the prisoner.” His face is cold, unbecoming of emotions; just like a good warden should. I nod and walk towards the exit. I didn’t lie to Dream, we have to trust him.

[sunnyschristiancottage]

I just saw a horrible comic that depicted Jesus was okay with being gay and that had Jesus saying the Bible wasn't relevant anymore. Honestly, that comic is disgusting (not the person who made the comic mind you, just the comic. The comic is disgusting, not the person. The person is to be loved for God made them and loves them regardless of their sin.) By having Jesus say, "the Bible isn't relevant," it is a massive contradiction to the Bible itself for the Bible says, “But you [God] remain the same, and your years will never end” (Psalm 102:27). Your word, LORD, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens” (Psalm 119:89)." Thus, the Bible is still relevant today. Times may change, but God and his word does not and to claim that Jesus, the son of God himself, would say it isn't relevant is highly offensive to Christianity and shows a lack of understanding of the religion. Also, on the topic of homosexuality, the Bible does say it's wrong, 1 Corinthians 9-10 "9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men[1] 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." The Bible specifically states it is a sin. But there is the argument of, "If God doesn't like it, why did he make me gay?" The answer is simple, really. He didn't. You can control who you like. How do I know? Because I used to be a lesbian. And I didn't just wake up one day and go, "Oh, I don't like girls anymore." No. It took me not giving into my flesh and practice in changing my mindset for me to no longer be attracted to girls. You have more control over who you are and who you like than you give yourself credit for. So yeah. Idk. That comic just really made me upset and sad for that person. Satan has really twisted the truth for that person, and I pray they come to realize the truth so that they can have eternal happiness

[very-gay-poet]

Always A God Never An Angel- A Harry Potter Fanfic. 

We all know the tale of Harry Potter, Magic Boy goes to Magic School, has dead parents, blah, blah, blah. 

Well, I don’t like that version of the story, considering I’m close friends with the lad. I know each myth and legend has its variations but come on! I was there; she could've asked me! Look, I get it, she went for an “inspiration” approach to the story, but it just feels insulting!

So I dedicate this to you Jo, you little shit.

First of all, before I begin, Happy Halloween everyone! 

On this day, in 1981, Lily and James Potter, parents to their one year old son, were killed by the darkest sorcerer of the age; Voldemort. 

Now you must be yelling, through your tears, as I dare to remind, you today of all days, the demise of the Potters, “tHiS iSn’T aNy difFeReNt FrOm tHe HaRrY pOtTeR I kNoW!!!” 

Okay then how 'bout this?

Voldemort brings werewolfed-out Fenrir Greyback along (it was a full moon. You want a source? Just-uhhhhh-trust…plot convenience! Yeah, trust plot convenience! And me being lazy in giving anything real reasoning, but most of the time I do have reasons! The reasons might be that it’s either funny, entertaining, or makes people sad. Boy do I like making people sad! And happy…it’s a coin flip really). Now, enough of my ADHD rambles, in summery, Mr. No Nose brought along the Big Bad Wolf for the ride.

And even with all that, he still didn’t kill the kid. Actually he died instead. Well, not really. To find out what actually happened to that ugly fucker you'll have to read Always A God Never An Angel sorry not sorry bbg its not you its me </3

And Harry Potter? Well, he was left with a nasty scar on his forehead and a werewolf bite, sobbing his eyes out, calling for his Mama, who lay dead on the floor next to him, her husband at arm's length.

A werewolf bite? Yes. I don't think I s-s-s-stuttered thank you very much. Harry Potter is a werewolf (read: An on the nose analogy) as of October 31st 1981 because...plot.

Does that mean REMUS LUPIN?????? I can hear your yelling from here! And also yes. And Mary. And, yes, of course reference to Wolfstar they're dating why would I write them out??? I'm not homophobic, I'm not just gonna say a characters gay because I need diversity and relevance, but I waited until all the books and movies were finished and there was no way to make it canon. Do you think my name is J.K Rowling???

Oh!!! And speaking of, a lot of things have changed from the story that you know, because why not, so please don't be shocked when things don't line up with "canon" :D

Happy Holidays friends! I'll see you all eventually 😘

-DH

Hi, very-gay-poet here!!! please ask me any questions you may have I'm so excited to share some of the things I've been working on and this is related to my pinned post if you wanna check it out!!! I'm not too sure on the title might just call it Spite Fic or To Be Petty but eh who knows. THANK YOU AND I LOVE YA'LL mwah mwah 💋

[finniestoncrane]

🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛ The Batman, by Jonathan Crane 🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛

tis the season!! i wanted to do a little something extra for today, and it is his holiday after all so please, enjoy this retelling of The Raven, written by Jonathan Crane about a visit from another flying burden that plagues him

Once in Gotham city, dreary, as I studied, weak and weary,

Over many a strange and villainous study of my subject, fear

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of someone gently rapping, coming dangerously near

“Tis some visitor” I muttered “who has dared to come this near –

Edward likely, Edward’s here.”

Ah distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,

And each separate thought that entered left my reason not so clear.

Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow, that nobody might appear

For the rare and radiant joy, perhaps, that no one would appear

Leaving me alone to fear.

But the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each orange curtain

Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt sincere

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

“God damn Edward, that idiot Nygma, has decided to appear

So late at night, encroaching, he is bound now to appear

How I wish he’d disappear.”

Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,

“Ed” said I “dear Edward, though your habits usually queer

You’ve intruded on my plotting, focused on my latest toxin

Coming to me, late this evening, uninvited, you’re right here

So out of rage, I did ignore you” – I threw open my door here

Darkness there, stoking my fear.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream sincere

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token

And the only word there spoken were the whispered words

“Do you fear?”

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words,

“Fear… fear…”

Merely this, sounding so clear.

Back into my chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

“Surely” said I “surely that is someone at my window shutter

Let me see, then, what it is, and this mystery made clear –

Let my heart be still a moment, please, this mystery render clear –

It’s just Edward!” said with fear.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flap and flutter

In there stepped that cursed Batman, donning in all his foolish gear

Not the least obeisance made he, not a minute stopped or stayed he

But with mien of demon or deity, perched on broken chandelier

Perched, the hinges rusting, on the broken chandelier

Perched with dark, perpetual sneer.

Then this fiendish man beguiling my prior fear to smiling

By the grave and stern decorum of his serious veneer

“Though your presence here is looming, I assure you there’s no glooming

Ghastly Batman, bring no doom in, though you try to domineer

So tell me, what you think you’re doing, trying hard to domineer.”

Quoth the Batman

“No more fear.”  

Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy here

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet could fight the power of my toxin, they adhere

Bird or beast upon this hallowed earth, cannot help but adhere

Yet for Batman, “No more fear.”

“Batman!” said I “thing of evil! Undecided man or devil!

By that city all around us, by that city filled with peers

Tell me that you really think this, that it is not just your wish this,

That I never will wreak havoc, or my horrors volunteer –

That those fools will not be ravished by the horrors, volunteer.”

Quoth the Batman, “No more fear.”

“Be that phrase our sign of parting, man or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting

“Get thee back into the skyline of that city of austere!

Leave no Batarangs as token of that lie that you have spoken!

Leave me here, no vial unbroken! Leave me never to reappear!

Take your boot from out my face, and then please never reappear!”

Quoth the Batman, “No more fear.”

And the Batman, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

Perched and crouching, waiting there upon my broken chandelier

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming

And the lamp-light o’er him streaming, makes his presence oh so clear

And the truth of my sweet toxin and my failed plans, oh so clear

It is written – no more fear.

(divider by @/animatedglittergraphics-n-more)

[j0nika]

HOLD UP, since your mom bought Rebellion for you as a birthday present, is today your birthday?!

Also…how was it…? I hope you liked it! (Of course if you have trouble processing what happened, feel free to ask)

That was the best movie

i have ever watched.

i went through all 5 stages of grief within the matter of 5 minutes.

SPOILERS FOR MADOKA MAGICA REBELLION BELOW!

i feel like i have never been so touched by a piece of media in my life

since the movie is so long, im not going to touch on every part, only the ones that were the most important to me

I WAS VERY CONFUSED AT THE BEGINNING. it was a huge surprise that the world had been fake (pretty much), because i was almost positive that was homura in her early stages of time travelling....NO. everything had already happened...

when they had begun talking about how the world was created by a witch, i was confused on how Bebe was relevant, since there had been no previous mention of them...and for them to imagine this ENTIRE WORLD just didnt sit right with me. once they started to mention it a little more, i had immediately known it was homura.

still, i started to get emotional when the world started to burn, and it was revealed that homura really was behind this. homura had been the thing she had sworn not to trust, what she hated with all her heart, trapped in her own cage she was trying to escape from...quite literally. that in itself was pretty beautiful to me :(

after all of that, when homura had pretty much sentenced herself to death to make sure that madoka would not be taken advantage of, madoka ended up trying so hard to save homura...i think that their love for eachother is definitely mutual, even if it seems like homuras might overpower madokas, i know that madoks truly cares about keeping homura safe and even in a moment of sacrifice madoka still just longed to be with homura and didnt want her to end that way, it was such a heartwarming moment

especially when god madoka came down to help homura, i started tearing up, it was really pretty and i had these lighst going on in my room and i was wondering the whole time "what does fantasy mean by people dont like what homura does at the end? everything seems fine right now!"

........

HOMURA

WHAAAAAATTTTT?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Holy FUCKING SHIT I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.

I THINK THAT WAS MY *FAVORITE* PLOT TWIST THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN AN ANIME...IT SERIOUSLY BROUGHT OUT ALL THE EMOTIONS IN ME

i was STARING at my tv with my mouth open i could not believe it.....AND WHEN SHE STARTED TO SMILE, I GOT SUPER EXCITED!! I tend to accidently headcanon characters insanity as the smiling insanity, as if they broke, and i had started drawing homura like that but figured it wasnt fitting for her.....DAMN WAS I WRONG!!!!

i LOVE how homura had become an obsessive....not quite lustful, but more...PURELY EVIL DEMON....who had seperated madokas human form and god form to create a madoka who would be able to live happily (i believe?) with an altered memory...GOD, that scene was so POWERFUL, ive been stuck thinking about it all day today....DAMNIT HOMURA, I LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARE EVIL!!! And this insane character development just made me love her even more!!!!!!!

then, at the end, when madoka had ended up quickly reuniting with her god form....and the way that homura said that the ribbons look better on madoka....JESUS...i was THIS CLOSE TO CRYING!!! it was almost a bittersweet ending, and that was the best route they couldve chosen...i couldnt tell if i felt sad, at peace.....it was really really beautiful!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

that scene with the flower field....THE SCENE WITH THE FLOWER FIELD HAD ME NEAR SOBBING...i thought it was gorgeous and the way that they hugged...the thought that this would be one of the last times homura would be able to hear madoka say those heartfelt things to her, just seeing her sit there....it was really blissful :(

THE SCENE WITH THE STATUE TURNING TO TAR!!!! that was AMAZING symbolism, holy shit! i just kinda stared at the tv for a little bit...its as if homuras love was infecting madoka....i love it so much.

i cant quitteee remember this one very well, but when madoka started t-posing and sunk into the ground, becoming this liquid, the homura becoming liquid, then a mini homura smashing it up? I DONT THINK IM REMEMBERING IT RIGHT, but i just know that it kind of hit me, it reminded me of no matter how hard homura had kept trying to save madoka, she kept dying...and all she went through within all of the timelines were ultimately very small and hardly mattered, since in the end, she failed...THATS HOW I SAW IT!

(and also, the fight with mami was AMAZING!!!! The music, the combat, the intensity, oh my god!! and when homura shot herself, and then held it up to mami, i was like WHATS GOING ON?!?!?)

this movie was absoloutely beautiful, touching, intense, i....literally have no words to describe it.

I PROBABLY WOULDVE NEVER GOTTEN TO WATCHING IT IF YOU DIDNT RECCOMEND IT TO ME FANTASY!!! THANK YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH...that was *seriously* one of the best experiences of my life, i went through so much in such a little amount of time...the fascinating scenery with the witches and the everything looked amazing as always, this was just a very very special and UNIQUE movie to me and i stayed involved the whole time...I DONT THINK ANYTHING THAT ILL EVER WATCH WILL TOP THAT, HONESTLY.....

thank you SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!! I LOVED IT!!! 10000000/10.....it genuinely couldnt have been better!!!!! and it only made me love homura even more!!!!!!!!

(ALSO, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, it is not my birthday! my birthday is in 9 days, march 16th! STILL COUNTS AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!)

[eri-pl]

Silm reread 15: Sudden Flame

The 15 is a good number for it, as Melkor was 15-th Vala (before Feanor's curse kicked him out from being a Vala, somehow) so I hc this as an unlucky number.

So, Fingolfin has a lot of army and plans a war. And with the language of it, I'd bet that if he managed to convince everyone and attack Morgoth, the result would be exactly the same (he would lose terribly).

Why? First: "he saw how numerous the Noldor were and how strong his allies were" makes my Bible-sense ring with "oh, he will lose this so hard" (the whole "betting on your power" vs "betting on God" thing. sorry, I forgot the proper word, so "betting" it is today). Second: "the plan seemed wise". seemed. Which very much feels like "but was not".

Oh wait, it's even explicitely said later that the war was hopeless.

Anyway we don't get to see it, because most Noldor disagree with Fingolfin anyway, they think the siege works perfectly well and why would we go to a battle, which is inconvenient and somebody may even die.

Especially the sons of Feanor don't like this idea. Sorry, what? The "we swore vegnence on Morgoth" guys? the "we must reclaim our Silmarils" guys? they don't want to fight? I don't get it at all.

Only Angrod and Aegnor agree with Nolo, which, of course, has the added irony of "Aegnor will die on this battlefield" (I don't remeber what happens to Angrod, probably dies too.)

Morgoth gathered army and grew even more evil, somehow. And kind of dumb, because he was too inpatient and that's why any Eldar survived that battle. Yea, he's the worst, but anyway.

Iron Mountains "spew fire in various poisonous colors" is such a cool description. I imagine itt as Disney-villain-green + magenta, mostly.

Glaurung debuts as an adult + volcano + Balrogs, generally it is bad and many die.

the Noldor get split and lose communication, Thingol grows in power. dfw is sad ;)

Yep, Angrod the angry dies too. But Finrod does not die and we have the Barahir situation. C&C go to Nargothrond, the narration comments on this.

Maedhros is ultra cool and the orcs fear his face and generally he is awesome. The Feanorians generally have to regroup (run away).

Fingolfin decides that this is the end of the Noldor and gets so upset that he goes to get killed by Morgoth. I don't think it's an overstatement.

"Nobody listened to me, so now we are destroyed. I'll get killed and they'll understand that they should have listened to me. Then we would surely win the war!" — that's how I imagine his decision-making process here.

But he is cool nonetheless, looks like Orome, is so angry, disses Morgoth enough to get him out of his castle. Morgoth is still the most powerful being (says the book) but regardless the only reason he agrees to fight Nolo is that otherwise he would lose face in front of all his minions. This is so… he's so cowardly that it's cringe.

Also, Nolo has a gem-incrusted shield. Peak Noldorin style.

He hits Morgoth 7 times, and each time Morgoth screams like a baby and his soldiers are so scared that they fall down. And the foot is the eight hit. Wow.

Everyone is sad. Maybe Turgon is a bit less sad because he gets to build his dad a grave.

Especially Morgoth, who has permanent pain in all those places + Thorondor messes up his face.

Another scary forest is made.

Beren's mom is really cool!!!! Her name is Emeldir and she is brave and fights with the reast of her family, only later she leaves with the other women (many plot-relevant ones)

Sauron makes the Werewolf Island, also gets a description. He is the mightiest and scariest of all Morgoth's servants. And warps everything he touches (that sounds interesting!). Also his skill at torture is explicitely mentioned.

Also, he starts by cursing the island. Which, I guess, makes it more habitable for evil forces?

Doriath is surrounded. Many elves are captured and enslaved and investigated and sometimes send back as sleeper agents.

Also, an explicite mention of Morgoth's spies who shapeshifted and lied and manipulated Elves and Men this way. Spies. Plural. So sauron was maybe like, a chief of the "shapeshifting spies" division, but by far not the only one. (I imagine him making courses on "how to lie more subtly" — especially for that one guy from that one scene. Yes, I will keep making fun of that.)

Morgoth is apparently not as dumb as it seemed, because he pretends to pity Men and tells them it's all because they listen to the evil, disobedient Elves, and they should listen to him instead. Unless it is just Sauron doing the PR… Morgoth canonically stayed in Angband. No, wait, it mentions the Men not buying that even when tortured in angband, so he did say that. Maybe Sauron wrote his speeches. Or maybe Morgoth was less dumb at this point than I assume.

Easterlings appear. Excuse me, professor, but this part is pretty racist. Even if you tell me that "not all" of them served Morgoth, you clearly show the three tribes as superior. Anyway, let's move on.

We get Bór!!! My favorite Easterling.

We get many family trees, also edain seem to have a thing with "two sisters amrry two brothers", ok, why not if both pairs are ok with marrying. It was a thing in some cultures, iirc.

Sirion is a very Ulmo-infused river.

And, speaking od Ulmo, he does sent Turgon a lot of messages, telling him that things are getting worse and to treat Hadorians well. Micromanagement continues.

Also, the relationship between Turgon and Ulmo confuses me. Ulmo giveshim detailed manuals for some things (historically relevant, mostly) but no advice about "maybe don't kill all the trespassers?" (unless there were really no legit trespassers there before Eol). Turgon listens to him (mostly), but doesn't go "My lord Ulmo, please protect my siter / can you tell me where my sister is / generally anything about that stuff". And no "My lord Ulmo, I am really angry at this Dark Elf who killed my sister, any advice what to do with him?"

Anyway, Hurin and Huor visit Gondolin, because Eagles. Turgon likes them, but Maeglin does not. Maeglin doesn't like Men in general (Why? Too loud?).

Also Maeglin gets passive-aggressive at Turgon for, idk, forcing him to stay in Gondolin? But he seems to like to be there? OK, I think he gets passive-aggressive at Turgon for putting Eol in a position that resulted in him killing Aredhel, but tbh it's unfair. Turgon wasn't the one who killed Aredhel.

Also, Turgon sends people in secret to try to sail to Valinor and ask for help. And, as with most cases of "secretely", it doesn't help. Also, Turgon, my guy, Ulmo talks to you, coulnd't you at least check this with him??? (Iirc, Voronwe was one of those guys. So don't blame the Valar for his death. Blame Turgon's strange mental process.)

He's starting to get into the "tall as a birch, stupid as a goat" mode. Which we'll see more of later.

At least Morgoth is afraid of him.

Also, Hurin becomes the ruler of Hadorians, and he is short. Yay, finally a short heroic character! (He will end badly but anyway)

[kinocomix]

devlog 19: parallel storytelling, Devlogs are not forever...

The script for TSTW is 21 chapters long. I estimate we’ve reached the point where it kicks into high gear, given the (hopefully) plentiful space i’ve put in to get to know the characters. when draft 1 is done, i’ll be sending it off to my beta readers who’ll let me know the inevitable places where I left things unexplained. but for now it’s moving along well.

Today we’re changing gears slightly. we’re veering away from the world of granular storytelling and instead taking a look at narratives that shine in their simplicity. Last week we talked about figuring out the inventory our characters have in order to determine how they would solve a given problem. this week, we’re figuring out the deal with these two:

Let’s talk about children’s books.

regardless of what age group you’re from, chances are you have a book you were fond of as a kid. for a lot of people it’s something like the hungry hungry caterpillar, or maybe if you’re my brother you’re fond of the french series “Meche au vent” and “Martine” 

There is something to be said about how the books you read as a kid influence you as an adult, and that’s why I’m doing this. In the story, Killouette has a book she really likes. Obviously, we need to make that book if we’re going to show it in the story. I love doing this- it’s called mise en abyme and it refers to when there’s a story within the confines of another story. I think it adds a lot of character and life to what’s being said if you bother to put as much effort into the side missions as you do the main quest. Originally i had drawn the image as an unrelated thing, having recently acquired two plushies that I thought looked great together: 

and… that’s that right? 

right?

so anyways the little lulu show is an animation series produced in canada that aired in 1995 through 1998, based on the comic strip little lulu by Marjorie Henderson Buell.

the arabic dub of the show, very popular among older folk made the rather curious decision to name the show after Lulu and her best friend which is something that gets acquired in translation i would suppose, but works really well for us because then we can name our two characters Loulou and taboush without worrying about copyright, because another company called studio 100 now owns it after having acquired one of the three companies that made the show and god forbid anyone is allowed to have any fun in this awful ecosystem of companies buying each other like stock. 

But yeah, why am I making a children’s book inside another book? well mainly cause i want to, and if everyone is going to reject publishing my books i may as well have fun making them and be experimental. when I spoke about the camera being focused on killouette and her feelings, that’s great but this comes with an unintended side effect: the clarity with which my characters usually voice certain ideas isn’t there anymore. This isn’t the worst thing in the world, not every piece of media needs to have a message behind it. A decent chunk of stories exist out there because they’re fun and for no other reason.

Regardless, one of the ideas at play is the notion of problems being about perception more than they are solutions. we’re applying this specifically to how someone views themselves, so here’s what i came up with:

The story centers around Tabbouch, a stuffed elephant who has lost the button that’s usually attached to his stomach. The exact event that led to him waking up with the button missing is deliberately blurred and the question left unanswered, because that’s the problem that we’re trying to perceive differently, and I think it would be a bad idea bloating such a short story with things that aren’t relevant. Tabbouch is greeted by his friend loulou, a small fairy that looks like a bear and she suggests doing a couple of activities that aren’t going to vibe well with tabbouch cause at this point tabbouch is still really sad about his button being missing. tabbouch leaves loulou and runs into a friend of his who feels down. after cheering them up,   tabbouch sees that the world around him is very pretty, feels good about that and by extension himself, concluding that although he still does want to find his button, he can still live without it. 

it really doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. no one needs to know why the plushies are sentient or why they conveniently have small stoves… I say this mostly for me. the life of a chronic tryhard is difficult, don't judge me. What's important is that it mirrors what the kids in our story need to do. They have long term problems they can’t immediately address, so the solution is to see the problems immediately in front of them a little bit differently. with that out of the way, we can talk about the thing that makes children’s books shine…

the         I   L   L   U   S   T   R   A   T   I   O   N   S

so it should be no secret at this point that I don’t really stick to any one way of drawing:

this one is how i did all of almost home, real ink with digital colors

this one is just linework with a fountain pen

watercolor:

image editing/glitching

special shoutout to MS paint:

there’s more but I don't want to put my entire portfolio in here so we’ll move on. This is good for me because I have the flexibility of figuring out how I want to show these images. I’ll have to fuck around and find out, but off the top of my head here’s a couple of things i’d like to try:

any of the above

scanning the inked linework and coloring the linework itself digitally (maaybe adding large flat areas of color? limited color palette?) 

good old watercolor. I can't go wrong with that.

digital rendering with textures (this could allow us to use halftones for example, but comes with the risk of overdoing it. closest example is the very first image in this post)

paper cutouts mixed with real images

I like the idea of having each page be a linocut print, but i don’t have access to that, and i’d need to look into woodblock printing.

for the most part, i’ve figured out most of the stuff that i wanted to for killouette. so the next devlogs won’t be called “devlogs”... they’ll just be called updates. This is because beyond now I don't think I'll have anything too substantial to share since I'll basically be writing and doing set designs. I’d still like to post on Tuesdays, we’ll see.

Updates on tuesdays.

[doctorguilty]

Long cartoons ramble lol

That was from my queue but making me think abt s2 my biggest fear is s2 is simon being like out of the main story like as a character that just sometimes comes up not just because I like him like yeah but way more importantly I really liked how the dynamic and friendship between him and fionna and cake developed because it was like so extremely important for the entire world building and I get sorta miffed when people are like, uhhh it's fionna and cake not fionna cake and simon get over it 🙄 let other characters (finn gets brought up a lot here) take the spotlight, like firstly you're contradicting yourself because I don't see Finn in the title either, and not to say I don't want to see more of him (I do! And I anticipate more of him!) But he was NOT actually a major part of the story! And isn't actually all the relevant to fionna he NEVER was in the og series, ice king was, but lemme back up. . .

From the beginning, fionnaworld existing in Simon's mind, was entirely impacted by his feelings, which wasn't just the lack of magic it was the fact he was depressed and getting to his wits end, feeling out of place, that's why fionna was so sad in her world, "I'm not feeling like myself today" etc, it wasn't like in a vacuum she was 100% intertwined with him (always was! Ice king wrote her stories!) And the beginning of their relationship was this sort of hostility like simon being angry to know she even existed and wasn't just a foolish machination of the insane ice king, and his peers are like ohhhh we loved those comics ice king wrote, and meanwhile simon is like repeatedly attempting suicide (which would have killed fionnas entire world. Btw.) Fionna is a little more open to him, but leaning towards her self interest of the fact that if he dies her world does, cake meanwhile is like damn this guy sucks.

By the end of the journey though, fionna genuinely cares about him so much she'd rather risk losing the battle to save her and her world than for simon to destroy himself for her (and she does this twice actually! The first time when they were with the lich and fionna had secretly picked up the crown and tried to hide it so simon wouldn't put it on, she even fights with cake over it, her bestie cake), simon cares so much he (ALSO TWICE) tries to go against Betty's wishes to save fionnas world with the crown, and at FIRST it was like a convenient excuse to psychologically off himself like welp I don't care if I live or die, if I throw my brain awake this person lives, then it's settled. Later its like, he so genuinely wants to make the sacrifice he tries doing it in front of his chaos God wife (when originally.. the plan was to see her, apologize, and die with her)

After fionnas world became it's own thing separate from simon.. like, the parallel cannot be missed here, the fact that her world was represented by a dandelion she wished on to save, the fact that Betty blew simon away like blowing like a dandelion wishing for him to go back home and live, he and fionna stay in contact across the multiverse to be friends. And their friendship and love for one another peaked at this point, when they are no longer like involuntarily bound together, they both chose to make the best of the lives they have (fionnas being letting go of the magic she wanted to have, and learning to appreciate her world as it is .. which is better because the way it is, simon is not suffering (as ice king ) for it to exist. That's what her nightmare about the freezer was about.)

Like all the themes and parallels between fionna and simon are so fucking intertwined I cannot even understand why you'd want to see less of that :[ even if it's not the main focus of like, whatever stakes will be introduced in s2, their bond should still be like.. very prominent I feel?? To be like "well we don't need simon anymore since fionnas on her own" kinda like dumps out all of the stuff I was just talking abt yknow?? And idk like rip to you but I'm different ig but was it not super sweet and cute for a peppy 30 year old failwoman, her sassy talking cat, and a 59 year dorky widower with a heart of gold to be adventure buddies like..? :[

"Well Simon's story with betty concluded" I hear a lot well, okay! First of all the conclusion sucked but w/e that's a hot topic of debate, but more importantly, that's fine, that part can be concluded and. The conclusion was (the better part of it) that simon should stop letting his grief about betty kill him from the inside out and instead live the life she sacrificed herself for him to have. So... that.. lines up? Perfectly in fact?? that sets him up for s2 to have more than not a clean slate on one of the most major parts of his character since forever (betty) like if his journey is no longer about her then. He's like pretty fresh to do whatever. And what was ADDED to him was his relationship with fionna and cake. And as much as I WISH he got a happier end with betty, it is what it is, I'm very much ready for simon new game+ where he's happier and (especially since s1 set him up as like being pretty alone and isolated even from the people who love him b/c they're living their own fulfilling lives) gets a reprise with fionna and cake and they're like, his next closest people, and she like, gets another adventure with the person connected to the world of magic she wanted (who himself isn't even magic he's a human like her)

I don't wanna see that shoved to the side it would be heartbreaking!! They're friends! They care so fucking much about eachother! 😭 it's not just me right?? I can't be the only one who doesn't feel like their friendship is integral to the story 😭😭

[ezrisdax-archive]

since im nearing the end: ds9 for reverse unpopular opinion meme?

ignoring my nostalgia for ds9 and being objective...it's the best trek hands down. the whole dominion war story is engaging, the characters grow and change throughout the series and it's satisfying watching them do so.

I really think that they put a lot of life into bajor and bajorans, god knows they did excellent with Kira. Her and Sisko really are the stars of the shows. I also enjoy how they come to respect each other and work together and start to make silly jokes together. The whole team becoming this family is so so important to me. (they do dinners together! silly little dinners!)

Of course then there's Sisko and Dax, how he and Jadzia became these chaotic besties who always had each others backs is incredibly important to me. I think the show really shines with this characters and how they interact with each other but at the very top for me is these two and the friendship they develop.

Pluuuuus ds9 has some of my all time fave trek episodes with Trials and Tribble-ations, Rejoined, and Far Beyond the Stars.it's amazing how these episodes still stand out today and I think that's another thing about ds9, it's still an incredibly relevant trek, it's sad that people are only noticing that now but it was the 'ahead of it's time' trek.

and of course...it has my girl Ezri. the character I relate to most in any character ever. I have a lot of personal feelings about her and the way she comes in after Jadzia dies. I liked that this meant they couldn't just brush Jadzia's death away with only a few references like tng did with Tasha. She was an important character and her legacy lives on in Ezri even as different as Ezri is.

[nientedal]

god that post made me mad. "humans just CAN'T be persistence hunters, because persistence hunting doesn't make any sense to me personally! no i'm not going to cite any sources, just trust me, i read about it in school!"

okay, mmhm, sure...except it does work. it does work, and we know it does because it was still in practice by modern humans in the central Kalahari until AT LEAST 1990. some of those people have even explained some of the challenges and nuances of the practice as well as the knowledge they use to make it easier. it's not the only method of hunting humans have used over the years, but it is definitely one of the methods in our repertoire.

"humans can't run for multiple days without food and water (which is how i assume persistence hunting works, for some reason)! and they're not fast enough to chase an antelope without losing it! and tracking is a stupid concept that doesn't work, and i'm going to scoff and ignore it!"

you don't have to run for days. you don't have to be super fast. you just have to be fast enough to not let your quarry rest long enough to recover, and you do have to be able to track-- which is absolutely a real thing that people can and do learn how to do.

(i suspect the OP ignored tracking as a possibility for the same reason they tried to discredit any information about the indigenous peoples of the Kalahari as basically being (1) all noble savage bullshit from the 60s or (2) irrelevant because it's not what their forefathers were doing-- their anthropology course probably taught them about the challenges these bands are facing with colonialism, and probably also taught about the rampant misinformation about them, but it did not teach any actual respect for their cultures or knowledge. or for them as, you know, people. whose grandparents remember the way their grandparents hunted, and can talk about it, even if they are no longer able to continue the practice.)

(knowing the noble savage stereotype is bad doesn't make it less racist when you still talk about people from a stance of "but my modern ways are better than their hungry primitive ways and i'm going to talk as if they're already extinct and have no expertise worth discussing.")

"there's no POINT to it! we have tools! and weapons!" the point is not getting gored and kicked to death by a wounded animal four times your size that didn't die when you hit it the first time. the point is that an exhausted kill is an easy kill where you don't die. it's a decent point. it's fucking reasonable. also, afaik there's decent odds we learned hunting before we learned tools.

and yeah, i get that the OP was just upset and yelling in the initial post. i do understand that. and I understand their frustration at hearing a theory misrepresented as fact. but their subsequent reblogs and responses are equally thoughtless pseudointellectual posturing, and i'm sorry, it's garbage. someone pointed out modern pursuit hunters exist, and they basically went "mmmmyeah, all of that is just outdated, cherry-picked misinformation and you're very stupid and i'm very smart, look at me i know lots of tribe names and i'm going to link some articles about why these people no longer matter, isn't that sad and TOTALLY relevant to this conversation." someone else mentioned tracking, and they ONCE AGAIN basically said if you lose your line of sight, that's it, you're done, you've lost your quarry. tracking isn't real, don't even bring it up. hoofprints in wet ground in the rainy season? those are fake. doesn't happen. broken brush where a panicking animal has run? lol, that's not real. you can invent tools, but learning to follow an animal? bullshit. total malarkey. it's all just guesswork. you can GUESS where the antelope went but that's the best you can do.

🙄

anyway, i don't know enough about human evolution to guess why we're shaped the way we are, and i'm not going to speculate on it today. but what i DO know is that i am willing to believe the G/wi and the !Xo when they say, hey, if you drink a lot of water and then chase a large ungulate through the hottest part of the day in the fucking Kalahari at a steady jog, it will probably overheat and collapse before you will. because one, i kinda figure they know what they're talking about, and two, it does actually make sense when you stop and think for thirty fucking seconds. sure, you need to be physically conditioned to run distances in extreme heat, and you need to be able to find your quarry again if you lose sight of it. but conditioning and tracking are both things you can learn, no matter how badly certain clowns wish it wasn't because it doesn't support their bias. 🙃

[stabbysideblog]

Distorted Echos

“He’s. Fragile.”

I scoff, the last word to describe Dream would be fragile. Sam frowns at me. “I’m serious.”

I lean across the table taking his coffee-warmed hands in my own. “Tell me how.”

Sam smiles at me, he has bags under his eyes. “He’s not. You. Well.” He looks up and away, that look he has when he’s solving a complex circuit or explaining something new to Althea. “He was a dog. Not an actual dog, he worked in Las Nevadas with Me and Quackity.” 

I pull away. He grabs my hands holding me in place. “Not. Me. Not our Quackity. I don’t know how but he’s from this SMP but wrong. Twisted, he was a- a- tool to them. He’s barely a person. They hurt him and he’s scared.”

“Let go of me.” I can’t breathe, this is Sam. My Sam, the man I love, my husband speaking kindly about Dream. He lets go, I hold my hands close to my chest, I can feel my heart pounding. “Let me visit him.” 

“I don’t-”

“Have you made progress with him?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“He’s Dream. I can-” I swallow, I need to see him. “I can talk to him.”

“You’re too emotional.”

“Next week then, give me time to- to- to think. Let me- He’s Just- Sam-” I take in a breath, quick inhale slow exhale. I let the words arrange in my throat, Sam waits for me. “Give me a week, tell me about him. I’ll be more composed. I can help you, Please let me help you.”

Sam is quiet. He looks at his comms. He looks at the coffee in his hands. He looks at the clock. He doesn’t look at me. “Fine. 30 minutes. One week from today, we’ll have to get Puffy to babysit Althea.”

“Thank you.”

— — —

I stand on the platform staring at the lava, behind me is the warden, any sign of my husband is gone. He’s cold, calculating each movement. 

“You have 30 minutes. Not a second more.”

I nod. Of course, that’s the deal. I know the rules. The lava drops and the platform starts to move. The elder guardian curses me, I flinch at the noise. Inside the cell I see him. He’s sitting in the middle of the cell staring. His knees are pulled to his chest like a child. His hair is shorter, Sam must have buzzed that mess off. He looks, small like this. I step off the platform and his eyes dart up to look at me. He doesn’t move, not even when the blocks are refracted and I step into the cell proper. It’s less decorated than when I stayed in here. Bookshelves, bed, plants, and books gone. I don’t think he knows what he’s missing. 

“Hello Dream.” I sneer at him, he watches me. He’s different from the last time I saw him, his eyes aren’t as empty, they have a sadness to them. I don’t feel sorry for him. “You think your little ruse is going to work? Oh I’m Dream and I’m soooo sad and soo hurt I’m just so pathetic. Fuck off I’m not buying it. You’re Dream get up and be honest with me, I know all your tricks.” He just stares. It’s infuriating. It’s so infuriating I walk right up to him. “Get.” I shove him backwards. “Up.”

He falls backwards awkward limbs splaying out onto the ground. He’s so thin. 

“Sorry.” That’s all he says. His voice is rusty, broken. 

“Don’t- Don’t do that shit. Sound like that. I know you. Do you- Do you even know who I am?”

“No.”

“I’m YOU. I am the best version of you, I put in the work. I got help! I’m- I’m fixed for god’s sake! You’re still evil! I saw it in your eyes. You don’t even recognize the person you could have become.”

“Dream?”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh”

“Now tell the truth, I know everything you are.”

I listened as he spilled everything that happened to him. Well not everything- some he can’t remember, some is too bad to be real, some he can only recount with a shiver and a gag. Sam wasn’t lying, he was almost done, getting close to his last time where he was molded when the lava dropped. “Time to leave,”

“Wait-”

“We had a deal.”

“Okay,-” I turn to the pitiful thing. “Just trust Sam, this one is good.” He nods, puppy-dog eyes watching me leave. I stand and walk onto the platform crossing the great molden abyss below. Sam gestures me to leave, I spare a glance as the lava descends. “He’ll be easier now.” 

“I can handle the prisoner.” His face is cold, unbecoming of emotions; just like a good warden should. I nod and walk away, I have to trust him. I didn’t lie to Dream. 

[helloquotemyfoot]

Book Backlog Busting Reading Challenge

Welp, it's been just over a week, so here is the first update! I have finished two books, but because I started one of them before compiling my list and taking on the challenge, it doesn't count. Sad.

The Time Traveller's Guide to Regency Britain by Ian Mortimer. FINISHED! Valuable book for learning about the day-to-day details of Regency life, especially for change over the time period. Would strongly recommend for research purposes or plain interest. Only drawback is the amount of breadth limits the depth Mortimer can go into on any topic, especially disappointing that slavery, which was a HUGE issue in this period, was touched on only a handful of times. Would recommend relevant chapters of David Olusoga's Black and British: A Forgotten History for greater detail.

Queens of the Age of Chivalry by Alison Weir. FINISHED. Haven't read Weir before, and honestly, I was a bit disappointed. Extremely and minutely detailed, but only as a narrative/biography of the queens, barely any analysis, and even less by way of comparison. Still worth reading if you want day to day details of how medieval queens lived and ruled, especially if you want to know what kind of outfits they would wear (my god there were so many outfit descriptions). Also, a detailed biography of Queen Isabella of France, wife of Edward II, is a fascinating read in its own right, a good example and inspiration of how queens can exercise extraordinary power. If you're not interested in any of those things, however, give it a miss.

Lord of Chaos by Robert Jordan (Wheel of Time #6) is nearly finished, about 150 pages left. I might even finish it today but I wanted to get this post out before I forgot.

On to my next reads!

The War on Heresy by R I Moore. A little under halfway through this one already. Incredibly absorbing read, very easy to get through. I may have to re-read this one at some point to digest further. Medieval religion is incredibly fascinating and Moore's analysis of the spread of the obsession with 'heresy' and how it ties into church reform and social tensions is very compelling. Looking forward to seeing how he develops his thesis in the second half of the book.

First Contact: the Cult of Progress by David Olusoga. Recently finished Olusoga's Black and British which was very, very good, so extremely excited for this one even though its fairly short. Also, it's super pretty. Seriously, look at this page quality and these illustrations! I wish I could show you how the front cover catches the light as well, but my phone is not good enough for that, lmao.

109 books remaining!

[leonbloder]

Don't Let Fear Win

This is a Daily Devo from the archives, and it was relevant to where we are right now as a society. It's still relevant. I hope it speaks to you as it did to me: 

The other day, I was scrolling absently through one of my social media platforms. I saw a post from a friend who declared something in the post that was unbelievably offensive and "othering" to entire groups of people.�� 

I was shocked and saddened, and then my shock and sadness turned to confusion.  I was confused because the person I thought I knew would have never said something as offensive as I had seen.  

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how incongruent her offensive statement was with everything she claimed to believe.  

You see, I have always experienced my friend as a kind, grace-filled, and loving person who acts generously and openly toward everyone she meets. In fact, everyone who meets her is drawn to her.  

So why?  Why would she be so overtly provocative, mean-spirited, and small?  The answer, in my mind, comes down to Fear.  

At that moment, I found myself connected to my friend again despite our deep differences. I also realized just how alike we were even though we seemed to inhabit different spaces.  

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we all have allowed fear to blow up our lives over the last eighteen months.  

Some people fear losing comfort, security, and privilege, so they do and say things they probably never thought they'd say. Others fear being wrong about what they believe to be true, so they double down on their beliefs, no matter the cost to others. 

Fear has its origins in scarcity, worry, and anxiety.  Fear creates distortions of the people we thought we were.  Fear causes us to scapegoat others.  

In the classic book Les Miserables, Victor Hugo wrote this:  

Have no fear of robbers or murderers.  They are external dangers, petty dangers.  We should fear ourselves.  Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murderers.  The great dangers are within us.  Why worry about what threatens our heads or our purses? Let us think instead of what threatens our souls. 

No wonder the Scriptures are full of commands to "Fear not!" 

The people of God in the Hebrew Scriptures always found themselves in dire circumstances every time they gave in to the kind of external fears that Hugo describes, an action that led them to give in to prejudice, vice, and pride.  

Jesus exhorted his followers to let go of fear on numerous occasions. He wanted them to believe that God was trustworthy and that all would be well with them if they simply turned over their fears to God.  

We all need to ask ourselves right now: Have I let fear rob me of an abundant life?  

Today, take the time to ponder that question for yourself.  I know I will.  Pray that God will open your eyes to how you might let fear govern your outlook on others, making you unwilling to see their humanity and your interconnectedness.  

We need to learn to see one another through the lens of our own frailty. This will lead us to places where grace abounds, and love wins over fear.  

May it be so.  And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen. 

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

God of Cowboys and Fools - Chapter Four

“I can just keep up.”

“No, you can’t. You don’t know your body’s limitations yet, clearly, but you damn near hit them today.”

I scowl. “I am a god.”

“Part of a god. In a body you cobbled together from spit and spite. Shut up and let me get you a horse.” He walks out and leaves me with the fanged, red-eyed, mouth-breathing freak.

Bella the horse looks at me. I don’t feel like she’s impressed.

Written for the @malevolentmadnessmixup event! Art by @futuresoon.

>>> READ ON AO3 OR BELOW <<<

----------------------

Chapter Four

I stay quiet all the way up the ladder and through the creaky wooden hut and through the desert and back into town and through the swinging doors of Jack’s Bar (which looks a lot better than it should, given the dark magic that undoubtedly flew during our battle, but maybe Arthur repaired it).

I stay quiet as we pass all these dirty humans who just stare at us, who (foolishly) are more wary of him than they are of me, and Arthur nods and mutters to the man behind the bar and leaves a handful of coins and just heads out the door.

We go toward the other end of town, the opposite of the way I came in. There, it seems he has a horse.

It’s a weird horse. This thing is poltergeist gray, with weird red eyes, and its edges don’t seem… solid. It stomps, snorting, and pants through its mouth (some memory from this brain tells me horses can’t do that), revealing fucking fangs that I am damned sure don’t grow in horses.

“There, there,” Arthur the wizard says, patting it (Her? Yep, that’s a lady horse) down. “I know, he’s pretty scary, but he’s a good guy now. Aren’t you, Little John?”

Uh. “I don’t know.”

He rolls his eyes at me.

I think the horse just did, too. What the fuck? “They can’t breathe through their mouths.”

“Bella can. Yes you can, can’t you, old girl? Fuck, we’re going to need you to get a horse. No fucking way she’ll let you ride her.”

Oh. “I can just keep up.”

“No, you can’t. You don’t know your body’s limitations yet, clearly, but you damn near hit them today.”

I scowl. “I am a god.”

“Part of a god. In a body you cobbled together from spit and spite. Shut up and let me get you a horse.” He walks out and leaves me with the fanged, red-eyed, mouth-breathing freak.

Bella the horse looks at me. I don’t feel like she’s impressed.

I bare my teeth.

She bares hers.

Hers are longer. Why the fuck did I bother to keep mine human sized, anyway? “Are you immortal, too?”

She snorts at me. Steam or smoke or something comes out of her nose.

I peer closer. “Are you a summoned being, or something? What are you?”

“Are you talking to my horse?” teases Arthur Lester, who got another horse so fast that I almost think he stole it.

“Yeah. She’s not a horse.”

“On that, you’re partly correct.” He pulls out a saddle and begins rigging her up. “She was a horse. She was a very good horse, and served me well. When she got old, I was sad, because I didn’t want to lose her; she wanted to stay with me, too, so we made a deal.”

This sounds very relevant to my situation. “She’s immortal?”

“She’s tied to me and to one other, between life and death. As long as she wants to be mine, she will be. When she’s done, she’ll join the Wild Hunt forever.” He looks at me. “Do you know how to saddle your new horse?”

I look at my horse. Bay, a gelding. Kind of boring after Bella. “I think so.”

“Do it.” He’s watching me for some reason.

I get the saddle he points me to. Guess we “bought” that, too. Carefully, I apply it to my new horse.

It takes me a few minutes. Each step, I have to search my stolen memories for, and it’s a pain because they don’t match up. Different methods. I frown.

“Problem?” he says, still watching me.

“No,” I snap at him, and choose a method. A few moments later, my new horse is saddled. “Good boy, Boring,” I tell him.

Arthur sort of coughs. “You named him Boring?”

“Yep.”

“I think his name is supposed to be Jed.”

I scoff. “Jed! That’s a stupid name. You’re Boring, aren’t you?”

My horse sort of makes a whuffing sound at me and nods. Ha!

Arthur shakes his head.

“Did you steal him?” I ask just because I’m curious.

“No. I was owed. Let’s go, Little John. They will fucking catch us if we dick around any longer.”

“Who are they?”

“On the road.” He swings into the saddle with a grace I find very interesting all of a sudden, and I stare at him.

“What?” he says.

“That was a beautiful movement.” I peer at him. “You aren’t unseemly for a human, are you?”

He rolls his eyes again.

Whatever. It takes me a moment to remember how to mount, and I’m heavier than Arthur Lester is, but Boring handles it just fine.

Arthur shakes his head and trots Bella out the door.

I follow. Fortunately, Boring knows what to do better than I do. “You’re a good horse,” I tell him.

He whickers at me again.

We have an understanding, he and I. Take that, weird not-horse Bella. Take that.

#

It’s so fucking hot out here. I decide I don’t like it. It must not have been this hot where I came from before. Wherever that was.

The Dreamlands, my Lord, says the voice, who’s been quiet for a while. Which you ruled at your whim.

Did I? It definitely wasn’t hot, then.

“So,” says Arthur after a while, as we bounce along and our horses make noises and our saddles make noises and it’s a weirdly pleasant leather-jingle cacophony. “I really would like to know how you found me.”

“I already answered that,” I say.

“Not quite,” he says. “Here’s the thing, Little John—”

“Just John.” I have decided.

A pause. “Sure. Here’s the thing, Just John: the protections I’ve had in place for the past three hundred years are missing. Just plain gone. Something blew them away like wind on cobwebs—and that something definitely happened in the last several hours.”

I’m not stupid. “You’re blaming me?”

“I didn’t say that,” said Arthur. “It may not be you. It may have been whatever shattered the King in Yellow. That was… that was a big aetheric explosion.” He shudders, closing his eyes for a moment. “The whole world felt it, John. It didn’t feel good.”

I swallow. “I don’t remember what happened. Just waking up.”

“And knowing you had to find me.”

“I… I knew I was mortal. And I can’t be mortal. It’ll destroy me. Then I knew you were immortal, and… I knew I had to find you.”

Arthur Lester looks at me. “You knew that.”

“I knew that.”

His face… I can’t understand what I’m seeing there. It’s pain of some kind, loss, grief, anger? I don’t know. It’s a lot, and doesn’t look pleasant. “You knew your name and that you had to find me.”

Oh. “No. I knew I had to find you. And I… don’t know how I knew to make the body.”

“You knew me but not your name?”

“That’s what I said.” I huff like Boring. It feels pretty good.

“Then how did you learn your name?”

Don’t you dare.

I need his help more than yours, voice. “There’s a voice in my head.”

He looks really spooked now. “What?”

You idiot!

“I don’t know who he is,” I say. “He’s very bossy. But he knew who I was, and told me.”

Arthur frowns, his silver-blue eyes moving as he “sees” all around me, for whatever value of that word. “I don’t see any connective… how the heck…”

You fool!

“He’s insulting me now,” I say. “He swings between that and calling me lord and god and glorious, so I don’t know what to do with him.”

There is a sigh in my head.

Arthur’s frowning. “To be fair, I don’t know what to do with you, either.”

“You have to take me with you,” I remind him.

“Sure, but I could bind you, or something.”

I gasp. “You wouldn’t!”

“I might. If you’re trouble.”

“I’m not trouble!” I bare my teeth.

Bella bares hers sort of at me sideways.

“It’s okay, girl,” says Arthur, patting her neck. “He’s a baby.”

“I am not a baby.”

“From what I can tell, you’re six hours old.”

“I am eternal!”

“You’re mortal, and you came into existence six hours ago. Shut up.”

This man! Infuriating! How dare!

I did tell you not to put your trust in him, my Lord, drawls the voice.

Except that I know I can. Damn it, voice. Listen to me. I know I can.

And I know you can’t.

We’re getting nowhere. “I don’t know what happened to your protections. Sorry.”

“I’m not holding you accountable,” he says, which is weird phrasing that feels like it goes beyond its literal meaning somehow, and I think it’s important. “I’m just… you remembered me. That’s weird, John.”

“Remembered you?” I gasp. “We met before?”

“You and I did not.”

“But you said… Oh! When I was whole.”

“Yes.”

He remembers. But I don’t? “When? How?”

The voice laughs softly. He will never answer that, oh great one. Never in a million years.

I want to know! “Answer me.”

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” he says so primly that I laugh.

“No tea to go with that delivery? Pinky out?”

“What?” Then he laughs. “I get it. No, I think my tone conveyed my high-class disdain just fine.”

We both laugh because that was very silly.

I like Arthur the wizard.

“Six hours,” Arthur murmurs to himself. “Do you feel like you know more or less than you did when you woke?”

“I don't know how to answer that.”

“Do you remember anything of your past? Where you came from? Who you were?”

I scowl. “No.”

“But more… human things.”

“Yes.”

“That may not be good,” he says. “So when you put your body together, what did you use?”

“Cultists.”

He pulls Bella up to a stop. “Did you use any of the King?”

“There were only humans.”

“There should have been something left. Shit. Shit.” He rubs his forehead.

Bella makes a questioning sound.

“What?” I say.

He’s silent for a long moment. “So the pro is they won’t expect us to go back in that direction. The con is they’re definitely coming from that way, so we could be walking into them.”

“Into who?”

“The King’s servants. Fuck.”

I stare at him. “The people chasing you to kill you are my servants?”

“Sort of. They think they're trying to protect him.”

“Protect him? Me? From you?” Boring must be able to feel the awfulness moving through me, like bad blood. He prances in place, uneasy.

Arthur sighs. “I have something. He… gave me something. But they were convinced I stole it.”

What is going on here? “What?” Silence. “What is it? What do you have?”

“I promise I’ll tell you,” says Arthur, “if we survive the night.”

I could tell you, my Lord.

I swallow. I need to know. “You promise you’ll tell me?”

“I give you my word.”

Then no, voice. I want it from him.

He’s a thief and a liar!

Yeah? Really? Funny that you didn’t mention any of what he’s saying, voice. Not one word of it, not all those hours we were talking and walking across the burning sand. Funny how that happened!

You weren’t ready.

I’m so mad at the voice I can barely think. “You better keep your word, Arthur Lester.”

“I will,” he says. And he turns his horse around.

[chapter five] [masterpost]

[reinemichele]

Okay well um . I started writing this post and it started to get too long and go off topic so I'm going to put the more relevant info in this post and then finish typing the other post tomorrow probably and you can read that for more hashtag erin lore

Tw for discussion of animal death/illness, cancer, and (unintentional) disordered eating; no one is obligated to read this. It'll also probably get pretty long. Again, don't feel like you need to read this if these are upsetting topics for you

Uhhh how do I start this . Um, it's been a bad week. I don't think I've had a worse new years; even when my dad died it had been earlier in the year so we were more numb to the fact he wasn't there.

For the first few days I couldn't eat anything more than toast or crackers and I'd start crying when I tried to eat. I don't really know what the physiological connection is there, but I have to assume there is one. I was having to take my PRN anxiety meds multiple times a day because I was getting so upset I'd get nauseous and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I'm doing better now; today's the first day I felt like I wanted to eat willingly and not out of obligation, I haven't cried yet, and I haven't needed my anxiety meds.

But the day after my cat died, we found a tumor on my dog's stomach. It sounds like I'm making this up for attention on the internet, but it wasn't there before this day. Cosmic irony, god's ire, greek tragedy, etc etc.

My dog is 15, so all of us are against any surgery or chemotherapy, even if we could afford it. My mom works in hospice, so just take my word for it when I say all of us know how much pain and suffering and loss of quality of life that (invasive) surgery and chemotherapy causes for people.

So we just spent the day trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. We rearranged pillows and blankets, helped her move, tried offering her Literally every piece of food that was safe for dogs that we have (cat food, dog food, chicken, roast beef, turkey, ham, cheese, etc), sat down towels when she refused to go potty outside.

I made the decision to not talk about this on here for several reasons. I didn't want to contribute to people feeling sad or guilty over NYE, when there's already so many sources of despair and disillusionment in the world. I didn't want to receive pity; something I've hated feeling since my dad died when I was little. I didn't want empty platitudes of toxic positivity insisting that things would turn around and good things will start happening to me, and I didn't want to be the asshole who wasn't grateful for those empty platitudes. Most of all, I didn't want people to change how they treat/interact with me because they knew. I didn't want to be treated like I'm fragile or need special treatment. (If it needs saying, I still don't want to be treated like that.) I wanted to cry in my bedroom, and then reblog silly posts like nothing was wrong.

It's been a few days since the 30th, obviously. She's having less trouble walking, wags her tail when she sees us again, after a few (absolutely heartbreaking) days of not moving her tail at all. Her appetite is slowly coming back, she ate a little tuna and cat food.

But... the tumor has grown already, in just these few days, and she keeps licking at it, so it's sore and raw. My mom and brother don't want to put her to sleep because she's been improving. I obviously do not want to lose her; she's my baby and my sister and my mother all in one. She was the first pet we got that I picked out. When I leave the bathroom door open, she sits with her back facing the bathroom, guarding me.

But I don't want her to suffer. I don't want this to get worse. I want her to be able to go out with dignity and some quality of life. I don't want her to not have any quality of life left by the time we decide to stop being selfish and let her go.

Two of my friends sent me some money to help cover the cost of putting her to sleep. It was very very kind, and I can't put into words how much I'm grateful for my friends for every act of kindness and love they do for me.

I don't really know how to end this, because I still don't know what we're going to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not solely my decision and I want to respect my mom and brother's feelings. I just know that holding all this in and not talking about it was starting to be... Not Good, as much as I did want to just Be Another Random Guy on tumblr, being annoying about my hyperfixations.

If you've read any or all of this, thank you. Please don't treat me differently because of any of this, and let me post my silly little things like nothing's wrong. That's what's helped me keep it together.

Oh, and it's my birthday on the 10th. I don't want to get into it now (my birthday woes can be its own separate erin lore post too), but every year something bad happens around my birthday, so this is this year's Incident. The only socially acceptable thing I can think to say is a sarcastic yayyyyy consistency <3333.