#but mom (who is also adhd and probably other stuff) was talking about how she does that to but shes actively listening each time

[pyrotic-goat]

Mom reminded me that I'm a bit of an insane person.

I listen to Reddit story reading videos (not the insane part but close)

While I write. Like fics and stories.

I forgot that this is not a normal thing to do... My stepdad was like "how do you know what you're listening to and how do you know what you're writing?"

My answer was just. Yes.

ADHD is one HELL of a brain. Hm yes can't write 1000 words of a fic without listening to a 40 minute reddit story video.

[t4tails]

okay i watched all 43 minutes of the james somerton apology video at 1.5x speed, heres a summary for those who dont want to time sink:

- the video is monetized, he says hes giving it all to hbomb so it can go to the people he stole from but the way he words this implies he did not ask him ahead of time. the same allegedly goes for the other videos up on his channel, which are also up because he wants his editor to have a resume to point to

- apologizes for the plagiarism less than 5 minutes in. thanks the people who were nice to him

- says part of why he plagiarized was because hes aware hes a cis white gay man and wanted to be more inclusive of other queer experiences

- but that he has memory issues so he didnt remember to source them a lot of the time. blames this on a head injury as a child and its resulting epilepsy, as well as his recently diagnosed adhd

- also states there was a lot of stress due to his mom dying because she wanted him to make a movie with his portion of her life insurance

- a comical string of errors occured where he would write a script only to realize half way through they couldnt film it. this went on for years until apparently they finally finished one on the night the hbomb vid dropped. this takes up like 15 minutes

- talks at length about how he tried to kill himself and how scared he is of unhinged people who watched hbombs vid

- james will soon be releasing a new video, which according to him will be entirely by him and properly cited. says its more of a documentary than a video essay

- mentions his past videos misinformation but doesnt say what it was over. says it wasnt malicious and they werent trying to lie

- made a new patreon so people have to explicitly resubscribe after this scandal. says this video is not about him promoting himself despite having done a lot of that for the past 15 minutes

- says theres no excuse for what he did despite making excuses earlier in the video

- wants to make a documentary about the author of the celluloid closet, one of the books he stole from

- says "i know its easier to watch a 20-30 minute long youtube video than read a book" when he is under fire for plagiarizing books in his 20-30 minute long youtube videos

he does not mention:

- his misogyny & his responses to previous allegations of plagiarism from smaller creators

- probably other stuff i dont remember

youre welcome

[aroaceleovaldez]

random question but i came across a post of yours where you talked about how mark oshiro sort of erased an aspect of nico's ADHD by making a joke about how he only liked mythomagic cards because he's gay and there are hot guys on the cards, and then TSATS also seemed to really downplay the themes of neurodivergence in the series. and it made me wonder if you have any thoughts on how the show has portrayed the demigods' ADHD and dyslexia so far? i've seen some people say that the show also downplayed it a lot, and i'm inclined to agree... which feels really weird considering that rick's own son's neurodivergence was specifically a major inspiration for him writing the series. but if i recall correctly a lot of scenes showcasing that in the first book were taken out of the show.

Oh absolutely, a lot of scenes and general discussion about adhd/dyslexia were removed in the show (and some of the disability-coding in general - i appreciate the change they made with making Chiron disabled based on his mythos rather than just using a wheelchair as a disguise, but i wish they had kept Grover's crutches in a similar manner honestly) - I've made a couple of posts discussing it: here, here, and this reblog is relevant to my opinions about the matter. There's probably some other stuff in my pjo tv crit tag.

I think the main sentiment i have regarding it - which i've seen a couple of other people mention as well - is how much the show ignores or outright removes and downplays Percy's personal struggles with his disabilities to instead emphasize Sally's experiences instead, particularly in manners of her taking out her stress on Percy - which alongside being completely antithetical to Sally's role in the books, is pretty ableist and why I continually compare show!Sally to Autism Speaks Parents. Autism Speaks tends to make an emphasis on the struggles of the parents of autistic children rather than treating autistic individuals like a person experiencing their own struggles. One of the major points of Sally's character (and later Paul) in the books is that she's an incredibly accommodating parent and works hard to make sure Percy is supported when he's struggling with his disabilities, because he's not been able to find that accommodation elsewhere. That's part of why Sally is such a great mom in particular, and is intentionally supposed to directly contrast Annabeth's home life struggles with her parents having difficulty navigating how to provide that same level of accommodation to help support her (and how Annabeth finds that accommodation at CHB instead, because that's the metaphor that CHB is supposed to represent - an appropriately accommodating system they can rely on, and then exploring how that's still a flawed system and looking at how disabled kids/demigods fall through the cracks and how to change the system to better support them).

The show also almost completely ignores Percy's ADHD/dyslexia experiences in general after the first episode. I was honestly really happy with, in the first episode, how clearly Percy's poor experiences in the American education system, particularly relating to his neurodivergence, have informed his reaction to situations such as people trying to tell him he's a demigod in coded language. It was essentially the perfect update to something i've discussed in the past here, about how the original "all demigods have adhd/dyslexia because it's secretly SUPERPOWERS" thing was presented as the basis for the series and why that teaching/parenting style fell out of favor. We see Percy in e1 acknowledge how dismissive of his struggles it is to constantly just be told he's "special" - and we even get explicit acknowledgement of how that description is used aggressively and for ostracization (from Nancy), which is extremely true to the experiences of kids who grew up with that teaching/parenting structure. But then we get to episode 2 and... all the acknowledgement of ADHD/dyslexia/etc is gone. We get at most a one-off acknowledgement from Luke that demigods are all neurodivergent and that's it. Pretty much nothing else for the entire rest of the season, save for flashback scenes that only emphasize Sally's experiences, not acknowledge Percy's. No further acknowledgement of Percy's dyslexia, or Annabeth's, or anything about their ADHD, or even Percy's completely removed PTSD (which we know for sure because of both writer commentary [see: that second post i linked about the LA Times article] and Percy's total lack of reaction to Mr. D). Nothing.

It was extremely disheartening to say the least, having such a strong start and it evaporating completely, and I fully agree with you.

[loneycorner]

Explaining some stuff

Vent

(Reading this part isn't really necessary and you can skip it)

So, I don't really do these things cause I'm not really a big fan getting into too much personal shit but I really needed to get this out

I genuinely feel like my irl mom is losing hope in me, I'm not getting any better with my studies, school is hell, my classmates aren't any good either.

I just feel like going into a deeper spiral of my depression, I'm in need of therapy but I think my parents will say I don't need it since I'm normal lmao. Still undiagnosed with ADHD and autism, probably dyslexic as well yayyy

But seriously, I don't really know how to continue much more, the only reason why I'm still here is because of my online friends and my literal fear of dying and maybe getting sent to hell

My current gender dysphoria is also very much not helping alongside a break up (which I did cause but I'm more worried for her than for myself) I don't really know man

Trying to focus on school is hard enough but the way my mom is so disappointed and maybe losing hope might just drive me insane, she said she'll pull me back if I fail the next quarter which hopefully not

I know she's struggling too, I'm basically useless in my own house, I barely do anything, I don't help, I'm a burden to them

Break

Will I take a break? I'm still unsure and debating on that, I wanna but then again, the internet is a second home to me, it's where I can be free, it's my escape, it's one of the things that make me happy especially with my online family

I do hope I get better, especially with the people supporting me (which I'll be honest, mostly online strangers lmaoo) either way. I'm glad I haven't ended my story just yet, I know there's gonna be more. Good or bad, I'll probably just keep fighting knowing there's people who love me despite not even knowing me that much

Appreciation and Special thanks to

@marycom15 they're basically my mom, in which I was the one to say that but eh, I love them a whole bunch and supported me through quite a lot of stuff, super silly despite calling me out on a lot of things, like stop that/silly knows me a little too well

@iamineskew funniest person I've met, my father (albeit I didn't want/silly, love you/pp) wouldn't stop flirting with my mom in front of me but I'm actually fine, I love them a whole bunch, such great art too! I'm super inspired by all his works

@boothefanficeater my best friend ever!! We don't talk a lot because he isn't online as much lol, I consider him my super best friend anyway, literally the one that made me what I've become (cough.the Prokour CEO cough) they also have lovely art, I wanna eat it

@wimdywhimsy just a cool person in general, supports literally everything I do, all of the things they do is amazing, I love ALL of their ideas they bring on the table, my sibling ever

@canadianketchup is literally almost always the first person to interact with whatever I do, I love interacting with them, I wanna do it more but I'm a little shy giggles

@sundewhasaudhd one of the BEST people I've ever met on the dsmp space,I love them sm, they're just so passionate with everything they do and it's just so admirable, they're not afraid to socialize and bring up their interests it makes me so happy

(I almost forgot to mention aahhhhh)

@theshadeblindcolor a newer addition to my little family but I love them either way, such a cool person with cool art! I love everything they do, their aus are so sick I wanna read more about them and to some more fanart

And shout out to all my old moots too on previous account, all such lovely people I couldn't have it any other way, especially my ava/m family @izzyindahouse @the-ace-of-spadez @flairya @mary-games-and-arts

I'm so happy I met all you guys, I'm glad to be a part of even the small portions of your lives and I'm super happy you are all a part of mine<3

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

I just read a bunch of Owl House Criticism and have to say… a lot does make sense. I still rate the show very high and honestly I blame the pacing for a lot of the issues we DO have with the show. I also think people are taking this way more seriously then they should and some do the complaints feel nitpicky.

One thing a lot of people brought up is Luz’s character and how the first episode showed her casual dismissal of others and their safety occurs. Then there was a few comments on how Vee is right to call her out on running away and other things.

I don’t fully disagree. Luz fucked up big time her first episode where she brought live animals and fireworks to school. It’s just… no. I don’t deny people should have punished her for it. I vote that the Shakespeare play and the cheerleading thing aren’t worth punishment though. Because both are honestly just quirky kid things. She wanted to be cool so she did something she liked to try and impress others. They thought it was creepy and reacted to it. Good reasons for her to be kind of shoved aside by some people. The spiders and snakes though? Yikes.

But to just call her a bad character puts a nasty taste in my mouth because I think she is one that is a good character and whom I think would have been fun to explore. It’s just… she’s kind of a concept that was tried but fell flat.

I think the summer camp thing was handled badly and I would have liked to be explained why they never tried to talk to her about what a reasonable amount of creativity is in her school work. If it turns out they had attempted to do so multiple times but she never listened: the camp is probably a better idea then not. More so given her actions could have gotten her arrested. Honeslty leaning on that idea would have been interesting. Luz being told she had to go to camp or face probation or something would have been an interesting hook.

My friend said she felt therapy would have been better and yeah that’s a good point: but what if they did try and it didn’t work? What if they felt a camp was less expensive ? (Which it probably was.)

I would have liked more evidence that Luz was an outcast. I saw a lot of criticism on this because if you just look at the show face value: Luz does seem like she’s whining about a lot of stuff. Her mom turned out to be like her and only wanted her to not get bullied as Camila did in school. She could have made friends at camp. There’s just so much there that does make Luz seem like a bad person for being upset. And honestly it would be interesting to explore that to, to really pick apart the dramatic ‘me against the world’ mindset of teenagers who see themselves as outcasts. But the show is supposed to be about weirdos and found family.

So: I would actually nix Camila being a nerd. Manny was the nerdy one who loved fantasy, encouraging it in Luz. I would have had him be the one who was more open about Luz’s everything while Camila was more wary and put off. Sure, she could still laugh at the snake skin incident, but I would want her to be less accepting of the other stuff. I said that the first episode reminded me of my mom when I got my diagnosis of autism and she didn’t understand it. I would want to lean in.

Manny and Luz should have been canonly neurodivergent. Camila is neurotypical and she constantly compared her two family members because Manny could mask very well. Luz couldn’t. But I would have Camila struggle to understand that her daughter’s own brand of autism/ADHD is vastly different then her husband’s because it’s so common. I can’t tell you how many time people are like: oh you’re lying about being this cause you don’t act like BLANK.

Camila and Luz then have a conflict which makes it more understandable why Luz is willing to lie to her mother about not being at camp. Because Camila is set up to not understand Luz and possibly she would be pushing her daughter to act ‘normal’ because she doesn’t understand. Again this is inspired by my mom. I have vivid memories of her worrying about appearances and how others think of us, with her pushing me towards things I didn’t like. Some of it was out of concern for me, but there was a huge lack of understanding that drove a wedge between us for a while.

I would then have the idea that Luz is bullied be obvious. Luz would reference it or recall incidents. And I would have them be unpleasent. Being ditched by so called ‘friends’, name calling and mocking. Maybe having her things stolen or random crap dumped in her locker. I would have her be the outcast from the start. I would also address her being a POC person in a small town. Luz could have met Masha or the other two kids: I want a reason why she didn’t connect.

I grew up with almost no friends but people generally didn’t hate me. I got bullied a bit but most of the time I was ignored and happy about it. When I was a kid I was very particular and drove people off due to this. When I made friends I was with other weirdos: some of whom were alone because they were just… I can only call them very weird and slightly disturbing. One of whom was a girl who’d flip on a dime if she liked you or not.

Masha in canon is goth and is there to be the ‘cool goth kid’. I would have had them be dismissive of Liz’s fondness for the Azura series and possibly the type to mock her for liking a ‘gushy girly book’ because take it from this enby: a lot of us go through the phase of shunning anything feminine and romantic to be ‘cool’. I would have a reason why two people who could have totally been friends weren’t.

Luz would be an outcast among outcasts. Just that shade of different.

I want her to have suffered in school. I want her to have to explain that it’s true no one understood her. I want her to be able to look Vee in the face to go: you know nothing. Because Vee only sees a surface and not the full sum of it. Vee who isn’t into Azura and thus gets Masha being: oh you matured cool. I want to hang now. Who goes to Camila who is thankful her baby seems able to mask now.

I want Camila to be able to mistake Vee for her own kid because ‘oh god yes she’s finally normal’. And I want Luz to point this out. I want Luz to point out to Vee the other kids said camp was prison. And that ‘you might have liked it for some reason but can you say I would have? Masha thinks I’m a freak for liking Azura. They told me I was a loser for it.’

I want there to have been a damn good reason more then we got for WHY Luz stayed in the isles.

Not to say I don’t want Luz to feel bad about lying or anything. I just want the whole outcast thing to be more apparent. Luz feeling awful about lying and about resenting her mom who does love her versus the fact she never felt safe in the human realm is an idea worth exploring!!

[gettingfrilly]

Let's talk about Eddy's family

Out of the three boys, I feel we know the least about Eddy's family. We may have met his brother, the only adult to ever have a role in the show, but of the Eds, he talks about his parents the least. And I refuse to believe his brother is just Like That all on his own. Something happened to that guy and I wanna know what.

So, let's look at what we know:

Eddy was physically abused by his big brother. On the flip side, his big brother also passed his knowledge onto him, the show implying that his bro took on the role of a mentor in Eddy's life. Eddy also inherited a lot of his brother's stuff from him; whether Eddy's brother had a choice in that matter or not is unknown, since Eddy could have simply taken the items out of his brother's room after he was gone.

Bro is much older than Eddy, though we don't know exactly by how much.

in the episode 'Ed... Pass it on...' we learn that the older boys in the neighborhood (Kevin and Rolf), who would have clearer memories of him than the other kids, are terrified of bro.

Eddy idolizes his brother. He pulls his pranks, wears his clothes, and speaks his praises any chance he gets.

Eddy's dad is most likely a homophobe judging by the implications of the only direct description we get of him in the bible. He doesn't want his son to be gay and worries that he is.

Eddy's mom thinks Eddy can do no wrong. Now, I've seen a lot of people interpret the line about Eddy's mom as a continuation of the line about his dad, and that she, too, is homophobic but doesn't believe Eddy is gay. However, I think they're separate statements. Eddy is a guy who gets in a lot of trouble, and usually when a kid gets in trouble, their mom is the first to be told. I think what the bible is communicating to us is that Eddy's mom flat out doesn't believe the stories about the trouble Eddy gets up to. It's probably one of the biggest reasons he keeps making trouble without fear of consequences.

Here's where things get a little more up to interpretation-y:

Here we have Eddy throwing a mug that says "#1 son" out of his closet. So. Yeah. He's the favorite child and his parents aren't afraid to say it out loud.

Eddy's dad, like Eddy, seems to have a short temper and isn't shy of getting physical with people, including his own children (important to keep in mind that this is a hyperbolic, slapstick cartoon, and not any sort of canon proof that Eddy's dad is abusive.)

Then there's the way Bro is talked about in the bible. "Before his brother went... away," why the ellipses? Was there something else to be said other than just "away?" I think the hint here is that Eddy's brother didn't just grow up and move out. There was some sort of inciting incident that lead to him living on his own. There's also the fact that Eddy has no idea where his brother lives in BPS, and that when he does show up, the first thing his bro asks is "Do mom and dad know you're here?" Eddy answers "AS IF!" which tells me that Eddy's parents would not approve of Eddy being around his brother, and both brothers are aware of that. This is followed up by bro asking "Does ANYONE know you're here?" Which. Big scary imo. Really fucking weird thing to ask your little brother before you start beating on him. Like he wanted to know what he could get away with.

So with all that in mind, here's my own personal headcanon that is not in anyway present in canon this is just what i like to imagine happened:

Eddy's brother was the family's scapegoat, whereas Eddy (in his mother's eyes, at least) was the golden child. Extremely rarely do children grow up to be violent just because. I think bro learned that behavior at home. I've discussed before that I think Eddy has ADHD, and that shit hella genetic, so I think his bro has it, too. Their mom and dad were new parents when they first had bro, and probably knew squat about raising a neurodivergent kid, and neurodivergent children are more likely to be victims of abuse. When corporal punishment didn't end up working out so well on bro, I think his parents changed tactics for Eddy. I also personally think that his mom felt guilty for how bro was raised, which is why she's so lenient with Eddy. So now, bro is jealous of Eddy and bitter about his own abusive upbringing, and he takes this out on Eddy by being exceptionally cruel and violent towards him.

This led to bro eventually doing something bad enough to get his ass sent to either juvie or prison, depending on how old he was at the time. This was hidden from Eddy, who adores his older brother, and was told that his brother had simply moved out. And that's how things ended up how they are in the show and how Eddy's brother ended up the way that he is. Again, this is just my own imagination. While it makes sense as something that could be true when you look at canon, I don't think canon actually props it up as accurate in any way. Anyway, I'm curious to hear what you guys think of bro and Eddy's family!!! especially if any of you know what the hell "Eddy's genes are working the fastest" means.

[jasontoddsmommyissues]

My personal headcanons about Eddie’s dad that the book may end up contradicting but at this point idgaf

Warning: Mentions of child abuse, loss of a parent, homophobic language

Masterlist

Feat young Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Al Munson

-He’s Wayne’s younger brother. Both their parents passed when they were young adults, so Wayne always felt obligated to look out for him, which was a lot easier said than done because Eddie’s dad has always been pretty wild.

-I assume the Munsons aren’t originally from Indiana, since Wayne’s accent definitely isn’t Midwestern. In my mind, Eddie’s dad was a little bit of a drifter that rolled into Hawkins one day when he was like 24 or so and started seeing Eddie’s mom (who was like 18 and freshly out of high school at the time) with the intention of moving on in a few months and forgetting all about her.

-Instead she winds up pregnant, and he definitely isn’t interested in settling down and raising a family, but Wayne ultimately talks him into doing the right thing and marrying her.

-Eddie’s dad was never really cut out for family life. He hated being stuck in Hawkins, and has always resented Eddie because of it. When Eddie’s mom was alive, he was pretty absent, always going out drinking or committing petty crimes, hopping from job to job, probably seeing other women behind his wife’s back.

-Then his wife died and he was suddenly the sole parent responsible for a kid he never wanted in the first place. Those few years where Eddie was living with just his dad were pretty rough.

-A non exhaustive list of shit Eddie’s dad put him through at the time:

When Eddie’s mom first died, his dad would want to go out drinking, so he’d just put little grade school Eddie in his car and have him sleep there in the parking lot of whatever dive he was hanging out at. (Eventually he gave up on this and just started ditching Eddie at home)

He hated spending money on Eddie. They barely had any to begin with, and the priority with what they did have was always booze and cigarettes. There were nights that Eddie went to bed hungry because his dad didn’t bother buying any food for him. Most of Eddie’s clothes and shoes were old and ill fitting because he wouldn’t bother replacing them.

Even when he wasn’t out drinking, he was neglectful of Eddie. He rarely put in effort to make sure he was properly taken care of. Eddie would come to school covered in dirt because his dad never made him take a bath, his clothes often went long periods of time without washing etc. His peers would often pick on him because of it, and at the time he didn’t have D&D or anything to fall back on.

Eddie’s dad had a nasty temper, and no matter how much Eddie tried, he’d always end up doing something to anger the man. He’d scream at and berate Eddie, and sometimes get physical. He’d also take this opportunity to throw their situation into Eddie’s face. He’d say Eddie was a burden, how he was unwanted and how it was his fault his mom was dead.

I’m a big Eddie has ADHD truther, and I’d imagine this was a point of contention between him and his dad. ADHD wasn’t really known back then, so his dad would just chalk his symptoms up to him being “dumb”. Eddie would struggle with school work and his dad would tell him he was just stupid and that he shouldn’t bother because it’s not like he’d ever amount to anything.

He made Eddie keep his hair buzzed. If Eddie expressed interest in growing it out he’d say stuff like “long hair is for women and f*gs”

-At some point, when Eddie was middle school age, his dad finally got arrested for something that came with serious jail time. He wouldn’t be out until Eddie was at least 18, so their options were either for a relative to take him or he’d end up in the system. Of course Wayne didn’t hesitate to take the boy in, and the rest is history.

-Wayne has forgiven his brother for a lot of the shit he pulled, but one thing he can’t ever forgive is the way he treated Eddie. It took a little while of living with Wayne before Eddie came out of his shell, all thanks to the abuse his father put him through.

-Wayne does still communicate with his brother though, sometimes talks on the phone and even goes to visit every once in a while. Eddie on the other hand doesn't. He has no interest in a relationship with his father and Wayne isn’t going to force it on him.

-Eddie’s dad dropped out of high school at 16. Part of the reason Eddie’s so insistent on graduating is because he doesn’t want to be like him.

-But of course, even with all Eddie’s efforts, it’s still hard to escape the shadow of his father’s reputation. People have always assumed that Eddie is just a no good delinquent like his father. They were even more convinced when Eddie started getting into “immoral” activities like D&D and metal music (never mind the fact that Eddie’s dad didn’t like either of those things).

-Overall, Eddie’s dad is just super bitter and jealous of his son. He’d never admit it to anyone, not even himself, but deep down he hates that he threw his life away and now he’s rotting in prison; he wants to see Eddie end up the same way because the thought of his son being a better person than him upsets him.

[celestialsun123]

Okay, tumblr is my ‘safe space’ other than my room, so I’m going to talk and anyone who wants to can listen. Aka all the stuff I’m gonna say will take up a lot of room so take a look under the ‘keep reading’ if you care enough to lol

There are a couple of JIC trigger warnings: mentions of church/religious settings (not talked about in a negative way), doctors, uhh there’s a time where I talk about someone yelling at me?

without further ado, here's my vent for the day.

I stress out so much over liking anything posted by autistic people. I’m so sorry, I have literally nothing against you, I just freak out for no reason cause once I heard someone on YouTube say ‘if you aren’t autistic your opinion is completely invalid here’ and I’ve taken it to heart 🥲

I will go to like a post but then go ‘wait… that explicitly says it’s about autistic people/autism… I can’t! I don’t count!’ (And I am so salty about stuff like that cause I’ve thought to myself ‘well what if I’m agreeing about something that they approve of?’ But it still isn’t enough to justify it to myself.) (again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST Y'ALL)

I was considering asking my doctor if I should get evaluated for stuff but I also really don’t want to because what if they just say ‘nope, you’re normal. Why’d you even bother?’ And I KNOW I’m not neurotypical because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and there is no WAY it’s normal to feel like your entire day has been completely and utterly ruined by someone not telling you clearly that if you didn’t go eat the leftovers of your family that you wanted, it’d be passed on to the others.

Oops, that’s not where that was meant to go, but I’m keeping it.

My original point BEING, I have a feeling I don’t JUST have GAD, I wanna get evaluated for Autism and ADHD, but the imposter syndrome (can I even use that here? I’m not autistic so does that mean it’s… rejection or something?) is too much and I’m gonna wimp out of bringing it up to the doctors. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD tho, cause everything I’ve watched I’ve basically agreed with. (And yeah, the internet isn’t good source material, but there are some good people on there.)

Also I'm so worried that I'm just copying people. Like, I didn't used to stim until AFTER I learned about autism and ADHD, so what's to say that I'm not just copy pasting? And that's not genuine and it's probably also rude.

Oh and on the topic of being too sensitive for my own good, let’s talk about how I deal with people scolding me. (Other than my parents.)

I genuine want to cry any time it happens. I had some pretty bad experiences of that kind of thing (maybe like 3-4 years ago?) and they happen to be some of the only clear memories I have of pandemic times cause everything kinda blurs together from that time. The clearest one and the one that affected (is that the right one?) me the most was when some of the neighborhood kids got in trouble for hurting each other from a tree in my sibling’s best friend’s yard. I was a witness, but I wasn’t paying a ton of attention to the situation. The sibling’s best friend’s mom asked me to tell my version of the story, so I did. I tried my best not to twist anything and to make it clear that I wasn’t sure about anything. Without me noticing (cause my back was turned) one of the kids mom’s (the one who had done the potential hurting) came up behind us and started yelling at me for ‘lying for no reason’ and ‘being rude’ and how ‘her kid would never do anything wrong, so if I wanted to go tell lies for fun she would go and tell my parents.’ Y’know, the kind of thing you tell semi-kids.

So from then on, I tend to have to choke back tears when not my parents scold me.

Another time (this week actually) was when I was scolded for acting my age at church. Now, I’m not a CHILD, so I see where the person was coming from. But I was also having fun with my friends. We were joking around, and one of the old people came up and scolded us. I thought I was fine till I got home and then realized that stimming in any way, even in my room, now felt childish and horrible and like I shouldn’t be doing it. (I’ve gotten over this, I’m back to normal. Ish.)

So yeah. I guess I take things too seriously? And it REALLY frustrates me. Like I can’t just let things go, can I? No, cause that’d be EASY.

Also, don’t you just hate it when you feel the urge to stim (hand flapping specifically in this case) but your muscles/wrist is in pain for no explicable reason?

[clunelover]

In the past couple weeks I've gone from "I guess I have some autistic traits but there's so much overlap with ADHD and PTSD etc, it doesn't really matter" to "I'm convinced I have autism, and that my mom and sister (the one who was also born of mom) do too, and it explains so much!!!"

A few pieces just clicked into place all of a sudden. Seeing more ways in which I am similar to my autistic son. And reading some comment on r/raisedbynarcissists saying "undiagnosed autism and ADHD can turn into personality disorders later" and being like "that can't be true and makes no sense" - but then I ran it by BFF and she said "it's a good theory - a major factor in developing a personality disorder is having your needs unmet as a child, and that's something that commonly happens to undiagnosed/misunderstood neurodiverse kids."

I started thinking about how my personality-disordered mom (and all her siblings) were FOR SURE neglected as kids (always good to be ambivalent towards children and then have seven of them! Go Catholicism). My mom's stories about herself as a kid always cast her as a weird outcast loner (some of which was exacerbated by her mom's rules - like, her mom couldn't be washing laundry for 9 people changing clothes every day, so my mom and her siblings had school clothes and play clothes, and it was expected that, barring some major stain, they'd wear one set of school clothes for a whole week - but other kids will notice and tease you if you seem to always wear the same clothes!!). She had one particular story, about these imaginary creatures that she invented, and felt like she could see them and commune with them. They were called Beesies, and she would have to crouch down to be able to talk to them, and her parents were unkind about seeing her crouching and talking nonsense to things that weren't there. So, I think that speaks powerfully to both the neglect/loneliness, and perhaps the vivid fantasy life of an autistic person.

When I was in my 20s, my mom got diagnosed with ADD, and at the time I was very dismissive. I thought she had just scammed her way into a diagnosis so she could get adderall and use/abuse it for its appetite suppressant effects. But now I'm like, "no, she was thrilled about that side effect, but I think she did actually have ADD...and quite possibly autism, and actually I think I have both of those too."

Then last piece of this (sister piece) came into focus on 4th of July. I told my sister BYOB cause I'm off booze hopefully for good. She sent an oddly formal reply - something like "I know it's generally considered poor form and overly personal to ask someone why they're not drinking, but can I ask you anyway?" I thought, "okay, what in the rigidly-defined-communication-rules hell?!" I just said "hey you're my sister, you can ask stuff like that!" and then explained why. (Oh and there's a whole other post I could write about all three of us probably using alcohol to cope/mask symptoms...BUT ANYWAY). So then, during 4th of July, my stepdad/her dad tells this story about her as a kid, at one of her birthday parties, where he had set up pin the tail on the donkey for the kids to play, and my sister apparently just DID NOT get it - "why would I wear a blindfold to try to find out where to put the tail? I already know where to put the tail." And then people were trying to explain it to her - "see, it's funny, cause when you can't see, you put the tail somewhere else"...etc. And apparently she said, "why would it be funny to be wrong?" I either hadn't been at this party or didn't remember it, so hearing that was a real eureka moment - OH MY GOD, we're all fucking autistic!!

Oh also, she was a very serious baby who appeared to be puzzled or frowning often, and didn't really laugh, and we all just thought this was funny at the time...omg, more signs!

So anyway, this is totally recasting my thought about my sister's lack of emotional expansiveness, and how I am always getting my feelings hurt by it! We are possibly both autistic people, each with marked, but different and sometimes even conflicting, communication difficulties. No wonder there are so many misunderstandings and unsatisfied expectations, etc.

IDK I have so many more thoughts and memories I'm recontextualizing, I could go on, but in any case I'm very eager for my therapist to return from vacation in a couple weeks so we can discuss!!

[whathappenstotheheart]

35, 17 and 7 from those fun "weird writer" asks 🥳

I've been pondering how to answer #17 for so long that's it's become tomorrow, twice. Anyway, here we are:

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

I think for me it's a pretty even split between two things:

Realizing a vision. Getting that scene to move just like I imagined. Getting that dialogue to flow just like it does in my head. Getting that one line to be just as pretty or poignant as the feeling behind it.

Reader impact. Someone reading my words and feeling them deeply. Someone seeing themselves or their emotions or experiences reflected in my writing. Or for fic, someone seeing something they love or resonate with in a character in how I render them.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

This is a tricky one! I feel like I should talk about fic (since this is a fandom blog primarily, though I should make a sideblog for my original stuff soon) and honestly I have so many fic WIPs that are roughly at the same stage of production that I'm not sure which to pick.

Plus, with fic I tend to be so focused around whatever details (canon or headcanon) that draws me to a character or dynamic that not much gets left out, because if I can't fit it in the main fic I will write a fluff snippet or something with it. Also, most of my long-form fic are pre-production or very early days, so it's hard to say what might have been left out.

So instead, since my Beverly/Deanna fic is the only long-form one that actually has chapters up on AO3, let me regale you with some random Beverly Crusher headcanons that will probably end up in the fic eventually, but have not yet:

Beverly is bi/pan. The end of the Host says nothing about her sexuality and everything about the mindfuck of your lover suddenly dying and being told this new person is them, and I will die on that hill.

Beverly has ADHD and/or whatever neurospiciness I have (jury is still out on that. In fact, jury has not yet been assembled). Like, seriously. The impulse control that makes you fly into a literal sun to prove a point. The teenage experience of saying something and not realizing you'd hurt someone's feelings. Just her vibe is the vibe of someone who is making a real effort not to move more. Do I project onto her? Yes! Am I still right? Also yes.

Beverly has very specific comfort foods and whenever she moves, she always spends a period of time wrangling the replicator into making them right. Am I still projecting because I'd probably do that? Yes.

Beverly speaks some Portuguese. Why? Because I like to make chars bilingual whenever I can, and also I speak some Portuguese so there you are.

Relatedly, I have a sorta lore-headcanon that some subset of people would struggle with listening to music through the universal translator because of the disconnect between the relative mismatch between the length of the music for a given line and the length of the (translated) lyrics (which would be more obvious with some language pairs that others, obviously). I imagine like a lot of things, some people's brains would be able to compensate for and ignore this mismatch better than others. For some reason, I hc Bev as one of those people who always switch the UT off for music because it makes her brain itch otherwise.

Beverly will always love Jack but struggles with accepting that not all her feelings for him are as noble. And reasonably so, because uuuh... he sounds like kind of a crummy spouse. Like, between canon and inference from the infrequency of promotions in Trek broadly, there's a good chance he fucked off into space while Wes was still an infant. Maybe even before he was born. And iirc the way the years work out, there's a chance Bev was still in med school while basically single mom-ing a newborn. I side-eye that man, I tell you.

I really should stop there especially since I am not actually answering the question XDD.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Hmmm, tricky. Probably the idea that adverbs should be avoided. Love me some adverbs! Same for the passive voice. Well-used passives can be so impactful!

Oh also (though I haven't seen this one as much) the idea that you shouldn't use a buncha different verbs as speech tags! Yes, they can definitely be overused but used well, you can pry "murmurs", "sighs", "grumbles" etc. from my cold, dead hands.

[lostbizkits]

I will never get over the fact that the person who I considered one of my greatest friends actually Did Not In Fact Like Me for at least 4 years and during those 4 years deliberately tried excluding me from every conversation with others about my interests.

If a new anime came out and she wanted to talk about it she would specifically only talk about it when I wasn’t around.

When I started talking about said anime she would immediately lose interest and the cycle would continue

It happened like… 5 times 😭😭 like MHA, AOT, Undertale, Yuri on Ice, Tokyo Ghoul, DRAWING IN GENERAL it’s really funny now that I think about it.

I just straight up did not notice the entire time too my ass was so clueless I couldn’t fathom that she was doing this. I only found out because someone else told me 2 years after it started happening.

I will also never forget about how 3 of my highschool friends, 2 of them I knew for 13 years, got into relationships, didn’t tell me for a whole year, and laughed at me when I got confused when they were talking about how they’d all been “going strong” for a year.

I will never forget being considered weird and strange and childish for my interests esp since I was interested in them for way longer than my peers. That I was weird for liking things like anime and donghua even though I grew up watching anime and donghua (I could never beat the Asian poser allegations even though I was the only Asian ) but then 2017 hit and liking anime was cool all of a sudden and multiple people suddenly forgot they called me abnormal for liking ugly cartoons at my big age and were asking me for recommendations

I remember saying things to people and they would laugh but I’d never understand why it’s funny, to this day I don’t get it. I am very good at this now tho with my college friends so my SHS was probably just full of dry people.

The shit that keeps me up at night is also that all my teachers would tell my parents that I was highly distracted and always fidgeting or daydreaming, and that if I just worked on discipline and motivation I’d be a better student even though I wasn’t doing bad by any means from class 1 to fucking 6th form and no one clocked that I had ADHD is WILD

My mom, who majored in child psychology didn’t clock that I had ADHD for 19 entire years and called me drug seeking when I got my diagnosis and started treatment, because I was nothing like the ADHD kids that she worked with who were all 4.

Also the fact that my childhood was lowkey a giant fluorescent sign of it all and no one clocked it is hilarious. I pulled the straps of my shoes so tight they’d rip because I don’t like the feeling of shoes having air in them, I have dents from it like my feet would not get proper circulation because my shoes were so tight. I cut along the seems of all my school socks because if the seem touched my toe pads I would cry. My favourite thing to do second to playing Mario kart and watching 3 movies on rotation (ponyo, cindarella, Monster High: 13 Wishes) was to stack my collection of kid encyclopedias ( 14 at its peak), read them then put them into another stack. I had more kid encyclopedias but I didn’t like them because they had a different publisher so none of the stuff was in the same layout 0/10

The call was coming from inside the house but everyone had the phone on silent

[e-adlirez]

I hoped you don't mind me asking, but what makes Violet your favorite from the other thea sisters? Would love to know some of your thoughts about her :]

Hahah, see it all started when I was a wee nine-year-old who just got into the series. When I first saw these cool mouse women on a book cover, I immediately gravitated towards the one wearing this half-saturated purple because her color palette was the easiest on the eyes (I wasn't very fond of everyone else's super-saturated clothes, especially Colette's since I was very anti-pink). Then I learned about said purpur mouse in the books and :0 she's Asian just like me, :0 she likes books just like me, :0 she's smort just like me, SHE'S JUST LIKE ME FOR RE--

Ye I kinned this silly, and the silly was my blorbo mainly for her aesthetic, color palette and her being the smort one (ego go brrr). I would say that I still kin her to a degree, but nowadays she's my blorbo because she's a socially awkward dork who is also capable of dishing some intense shade. A lot of this can be chalked up to the fact that she is probably the most fleshed-out from all the girls in terms of personality (in the English books anyway). To this day I'm not really sure how to characterize the other girls, because think about it: what are the other girls' canon personalities besides "nice"? Pam is the group comedian with a sassy streak (that doesn't get showcased enough) and also f o o d (she's got more stuff going for her in the Italian books tho, like she has this complex about not wanting to inconvenience other people with her discomfort or emotions); Nicky is athletic and super-passionate about nature (plus apparently a fear of disappointment both for herself and other people) and as much as she is my second fave most of what I know as her personality is headcanon (like haha Australian dumbass); Colette and Paulina are the worst offenders because I can't for the life of me pin down their personality besides their passions, which no, do not count as personality traits. The most I can gather is that Colette is the nice receptionist woman who is also very particular about appearances to the point of taking too long with doing her makeup or picking out clothes and is a romantic; and Paulina is... uh... She's the group smort, tactician and analyst (which is a shared trait with Violet), she's passionate about nature (which is shared with Nicky), she's into science (also shared with Nicky believe it or not), she an IT kid, she likes photography, she's nice, she loves her sister, uh... and she's the mom friend (but we don't see that enough), she's probably the healthiest chronically online person to ever exist, and that's about it. Violet's basically got everything about her fleshed out and kept in by Scholastic's story-trimming asses, and I love her for it. I would love to get to know the other girls more, but as of now, you will have to give me more meat on the bone because as it is, they've got very little to their personalities. Yes, I do have the Thea Sisters' official blog and bits and pieces of the Internet Archive to fill in some of the blanks, but there're still significant pieces missing.

Anyway uh Vi. She's socially awkward, she's a dork, she deals with stage fright and not wanting to embarrass herself, she's a perfectionist (which artist mood), she's an overthinker when it comes to her social insecurities, she's a roast lord as I talked about in my Geronimo x Thea Stilton crossover post yesterday, she's pragmatic and punctual (which clashes with Colette's chronic tardiness and leads to entertaining shenanigans), she's attentive and good at retaining information (god I wish that were my ADHD ass), she's that one quiet introvert that listens to everyone talk and then talks either when she needs to or when she's enjoying herself, her luck in DnD/the special edition books and beyond is crap at everything except staying alive, she is loyal to her friends which the later books used to make her the friendship prophet to which I say BULLCRAP SHE DOESN'T THINK OF IT LIKE THAT SHE IS LOYAL TO THEM BECAUSE SHE SEES THEM AS FRIENDS WORTH A LIFETIME AND SOMETHING TO BE PROTECTED AND SHE'S NOT THE TYPE TO SPOUT SENTIMENTAL UNSENTIMENTAL CRAP LIKE THAT--

She's adorable and I love her. My child, my baby, my blorbo. I love this silly purpur woman so much, and the more I learn about her the more I get to appreciate her.

[rubyleaf]

Went through my blog again for the funsies and discovered an old, old tag game from 2016. And boy, am I shaking my head at it. Not only is 17-year-old me hilariously and stubbornly convinced she's straight, she's also very self-deprecating and generally not in a good place.

So I thought: why not answer these questions again, over seven years later, just to see how things have changed?

So here goes. The update.

MOST RECENT:

Drink: Water! I have a glass next to me right now and I'm staying nice and hydrated :) Phone call: Mom, earlier this afternoon, to make sure I'm still healthy and haven't died from acute Moved Out And Living Unsupervised Disease. Shockingly, I'm alive and well. Text: Dad, joking about the Berlin lioness boar thing. I still refuse to believe it was a boar BTW. I don't know what it was, but those pictures do NOT look like a boar.

Song you listened to: Saosin – "You're Not Alone" Time you cried: You know, I genuinely don't remember. Might've been weeks ago. I barely cry anymore these days, except from laughter or the occasional tearing up over a heartwarming scene in a show.

Dated someone twice: No, and unless the circumstances were very special, I wouldn't. If the ship has sailed, it has sailed for a reason. Been cheated on: Single, thriving, in my lane, cannot be cheated on if I don't have a partner. Peace and love on Planet Earth. Lost someone special: Lost touch with many friends over the years. Staying in touch is still hard. But honestly, some of them turned out to not be that special after all in the first place and a lot have stayed too, so really, it's fine. Been depressed: Nah. Been drunk and thrown up: Still don't like alcohol, still don't drink ✌️ Your three favourite colours: Purple! And pink, and the third one…maybe red!

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: So many. So so many. Fallen out of love: Yep! Laughed until you cried: Just this week alone! Met someone who changed you: I think so! Found out who your true friends are: Yes. And to the people who turned out not to be—thanks for making it easier to watch you leave right now. Found out someone’s talking about you: In the "bringing up my existence" way? Yes. Badly? No—someone probably did, but not my problem.

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: What Facebook? Do you have any pets: Not at the moment. Hard to keep any in a dorm room. I'd like to maybe get a small dog someday though! Do you want to change your name: Not anymore. When I was little I used to hate my name because everyone kept misspelling or mispronouncing it, but now I like it even if people still get it wrong all the time. Sometimes it still feels weird and othering, in an irrational sort of way, but I can't imagine myself being called anything else. What did you do for your last birthday: Had drinks with some people from my orientation group in one guy's dorm apartment. Casually came out as bi over a game of Never Have I Ever. Wound up at a party even though I had an 8:30 AM class the next morning. Zero regrets. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sitting on my bed and hitting play on the brand-new Meet Me @ the Altar song that dropped last night!!! Name something you can’t wait for: MM@TA EU tour in October! I've been obsessed with them for two years and finally they come here to play some shows and the first time I saw the announcement I legit busted a lip in my excitement. Unfortunately not a hyperbole.

Last time you saw your mum: Last time I visited home—early May I think? What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Better executive functions so I struggle less with getting stuff done, especially uni stuff and household chores. Currently trying to do something about that, actually! If I'm really lucky I might get an ADHD diagnosis in the foreseeable future and maybe meds…? What are you listening to rn: Fall Out Boy – "We Didn't Start the Fire" Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Often. It's quite a common name where I live! What’s getting on your nerves rn: One word: THESIS. Which I for some reason struggle to do anything about. Blood type: Still unknown! Nickname: Several shorter forms of my civilian name. On here, Ruby. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favourite tv show: At the moment: ATLA (and Legend of Korra), Ted Lasso, Good Omens. Probably more I'm forgetting. High school: Graduated in 2016! College: In my Masters! I have an undergraduate degree in law now :D Long or short hair: Long, down to my hips. I used to have short hair as a kid, but I’ve always wanted long hair. Height: 159 cm or 5′2.5′’. Do you have a crush on someone: I try to tell myself that no, I'm just very fond of the person. Platonically. What do you like about yourself: I'm creative and adaptable! I'm good at winging it when the situation requires it, and I usually get things figured out one way or another. I'm a hype woman for my friends, and I like the way I can find joy and excitement in all corners of life. Also, not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of my style right now! Right or left handed: Right-handed. First surgery: None. Piercing: None. First best friend: Probably Rebecca, in first grade. It’s a shame I moved away, I wonder what she’s doing now. First sport you joined: Ballet, when I was five or six. Kept doing it until early fifth grade, then changed to horseback riding. First vacation: Probably to my grandparents’ vacation home somewhere at the North Sea. Don’t remember a thing though, I was one or something.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: Nothing. Drinking: Water, still! I’m about to: Hopefully write a bit more for the mystery project 👀 Listening to: Meet Me @ the Altar – "Give It Up"

WANT:

Kids: Yes, eventually. I'd like a stable partner first (although if push comes to shove I wouldn't mind raising my kids solo), and most importantly I'd like to be my own person for a couple of years and not be bound by duty to everyone else. Travel, explore the world and myself, get all that out of my system so I can truly go into motherhood with no regrets. Get married: Yes, if I find the right person to do it with. Career: Study law and work for the EU or an NGO.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I don't pay much attention to lips outside of someone having a cute smile! Hugs or kisses: Kisses are nice, but I still prefer hugs! Taller or shorter: IDGAF. I still love my tall lanky noodle men, but I'm not picky. With women, even less so. Girl is taller than me? Awesome, great for being held. Shorter than me? CUTE. Older or younger: Around my age, rest doesn't matter. I'm at an age where anything between 20-30 is fair game, but any younger or older and it gets creepy. Romantic or spontaneous: A mixture of both. Nice stomach or nice arms: If the person is nice, their body will be nice too. It's an automatic process. I don't make the rules. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both! Troublemaker or hesitant: Secret third thing where they're chaotic but also too shy to really make a move.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Does "someone I talked to all evening but didn't know before that and didn't meet again afterwards" count? Drank liquor: Tried a bit, same as everybody. Found it nasty. Didn't try again. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't have any to lose. (Given the way I've been treating my eyes: yet?) Had sex on the first date: I'm asexual and I refuse. Broke someone’s heart: Yes, and let's leave it at that. Turned someone down: I'm a woman existing in public. Having to turn down random men is a recurring part of my experience. Cried when someone died: Not really—I seem to shut down and go blank more than anything else. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I've learned that everyone processes grief and loss differently and it doesn't mean I care less. Fallen for a friend: Yes, repeatedly, it has yet to end well, and it will probably happen again.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: Mostly yes. There are some things I need help with before I can unlock my full potential, but one thing I've learned is that I always manage in the end. And once I get proper help, I have no doubt I'll be just fine. Miracles: I don't like to rely on them, but I do believe that unlikely good things can and do happen. Love at first sight: Not for myself, I need to get to know a person before I fall for them. I do believe in attraction at first sight though. Heaven: It's a nice thought, but whether or not it exists doesn't matter to me. Our task in life is the same regardless: try to be kind and treat others well and hopefully leave the world a slightly better place. Santa Claus: No, and never really have. My parents never claimed he was real; my Christmas presents always came from the family that visited on Christmas Eve. Kissing on a first date: Did it once, it was okay. I think it's one of those "take it or leave it" things—if the chemistry is right, sure, go for it, but it's definitely not for everyone in every situation.

[gender-collecting-forest-goblins]

I never realised how hard it is to exist with plurality when our trauma isn't really defined as trauma.

TW:Death, mental health issues, physical issues, self harm, body dysphoria, suicide/suicidality, medical trauma.

So like, nan died when we were five, I don't have many childhood memories, but seb was the first to "exist" other than me. Then there's the bullying and masking of autism, ADHD, and the trauma of having a post alcoholic parent trying to be a parent again. All with the struggle of things a kid shouldn't have to deal with that mom didn't know how to keep away from us, such as money stuff and food issues. We lose marmalade, a beloved family cat. Then we lose Monty her daughter not long after. The memory of her being cradled in my brothers arms as she has a seizure from the stroke and falling down the stairs, forever imprinted on my mind. Skip to a few years later, it's gotten to the point where we don't know how many we are, because our mental health has already reached the point of passive suicidality and everything that goes with it. Age eleven, deciding whether or not to jump into traffic before school. We form a protector with no name, a shadow figure. He later becomes void. The trauma of not knowing if I'm autistic was way more present around that time. It got way worse and then of course, we didn't know that autism was something to consider, we just thought we were broken. Never mind the trans trauma of being plural and a traumatized child with trust issues, seeing people that aren't there and being terrified of losing my "friends in my head". The bullying gets really bad. We realise we're trans. We're in denial. We think "Oh what if we just come out as non-binary?" It doesn't go well. We are severely suicidal at age 13, finally diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Hospitalised multiple times from then on. Everything is blurry. There are times where I can recall the trauma timeline perfectly, but today is not one of them. This is all quite vague but I think the protectors are ok with that. I needed to get this off my chest. Many have come and gone. I still don't know everyone and everything about the system. I don't know if we'll ever be diagnosed as a system. For now, I just want my life to get easier. We are in constant physical pain. We have hypermobile joint spectrum disorder, recently confirmed. Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome is also suspected. We use a walking stick just to get around the house. We can't stand for more than five minutes. We're still masking our system from our family and friends. Mom thinks we have a dissociative disorder of some sort. The trauma is too complicated even for us, to explain to her how "broken" we feel. Being plural with trauma that is probably nowhere near what people would consider enough to form a system is exhausting. It feels invalidating. Like we shouldn't be this way because we weren't sexually abused or groomed or beaten or tortured or something. We have trauma, it should be enough. So this is me, getting this off my chest. I needed to vent. It hurts so goddamn much. I'm always fronting. I never switch out unless something major happens, like if seb triggers a switch for our safety or if Kai is triggered in due to talking about a memory I'm not supposed to know about to keep me safe. I'm always co-fronting with somebody. I barely know who I am, let alone the fact of being plural making it even harder. What I do know is that, my plurality has saved me. Even if I wish sometimes I wasn't plural. Even if sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could remember all of the school trauma and the hospital trips and the self harming and the surgery from when I was a kid to fix my eye that I only sort of know about from void. I'm just tired. The body is always hurt or ill or in pain. We never get a break. We mask constantly. We can't even call ourselves we. It's I or me or single anything. We aren't diagnosed with anything system based or plural based. The only reason I have some knowledge of how our system might work is because of the helpful information from other sysblogs on here. Like the info about p-did and median systems and autism based system stuff. Hopefully, we'll get to a good place mentally. For now, we'll just have to take each day as it comes.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it probably doesn't read very well or make much sense. I might redo our system intro at some point. Its kind of outdated now. I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

[staygoldsquatchling02]

Just a rant feel free to ignore.

Fallen into the feelings of social outcast in my home again. Fallen into the feelings of if I call in because I'm sick I'm gonna get fired or if they don't fire me, my supervisor will treat me like trash. I hate ADHD and depression. It's starting to feel like unless I'm screaming about something no one hears me, like I'm just getting lost in the crowd.

I'm the only person who doesn't partake in getting high every day. I'm the only person without a significant other be it romantic or platonic. I feel like the only things that people want to talk about is weed and going to do stuff I don't want to do. I ask to do stuff that I do want to do and I'm told sure and then it never happens.

I wish there was an easy way to make friends that don't make me feel like every choice I ever made was wrong. I wish I didn't hate myself for not having found my person yet, well then again this time last year I thought I did have my people but they chose their oppressive father over the friend who talked them off the ledge so many times before. I'm just disposable, when push comes to shove I fall off or out of view.

I know this is just the anxiety and depression talking and what ever cold thing I have, but I'm really hurting. I don't know how to tell my family I'm feeling this way because they're all so happy and they have every write to be. After all my grandma who's been in and out of the hospital for just under a year came home again today and hopefully she's able to stay longer than a week.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's home too, but my brain is beating itself up. I feel guilty for being upset and depressed about things that I can easily change by just talking when such good things are happening around me. I really want to just smile and laugh and enjoy spending time with the people I care about, but it feels like I'm too different from all of them.

I like anime and manga (my current hyper fixations), I'm also really into very specific kinds of games ones with story but also a lot of free reign to do what I want. While my family (mom & dad, brother &his fiance) all like to sit outside and smoke weed getting high and playing more story focused games, or going to play disc golf, or talking about my brothers wedding that he says probably won't happen for a while because of money and the state of the world which makes sense. It's just I can't relate, I've tried too but I just can't. I've taken edibles before and don't like how they make me feel, I can't play games where there's so much story every step of the game is already mapped out and no matter what you can't avoid it, and I don't like being outside and I'm sure disc golf may be fun for them but at the end of the day I'm just a fifth wheel in there group of two couples.

They have all tried to include me and there are days where I feel like I'm part of the group and not just someone asked to come along out of respect or obligation. But as of late I just feel like a burden. I feel like if I say this I'll bring everyone down.

I just wish I was different and hadn't lost so many friends in the last year (like 6 or 7 if I'm counting right). I wish I wasn't on the ace spectrum sometimes so I could relate and have a significant other to go do things with, but at the end of the day I'm just me.

I'm just a 21 year old, nonbinary person, who likes to be alone but also wants to be part of the group. I'm just an ace person who doesn't understand what it's like to have that one person who knows everything about you and you know everything about them. I'm just a nerd who is too picky to try new shows and games that don't fit a specific category. I'm just a person ment to have only online friends. I'm just a person who is just barely serving in a world where everything is difficult.

[bluehairmisfit]

I think that if I could run the simulation and see what would happen, I’d want to see what would happen if I went back to August 1st, 2015, all over again. With the knowledge I have now but not the pain that got me here.

I want to know what would happen.

(Useless speculation below)

That month, I’d end up with two of my camp friends at my house for my mom’s birthday party.

Natalia would probably still quit the band but I would expect it and know what to do. Willow would still stop talking to me eventually but I would expect it and know what to do.

I could choose not to invite my abuser and her shitty aggressive little cousin to my birthday party 8 months later. I could tell my mom then and there about what happened with me and that person and she would’ve still been able to do something about it.

I would still have chronic pain but maybe I’d learn how to manage it sooner.

I could have not gotten into that first relationship because I’d know how the relationship and friendship would end. I could have avoided that whole debacle altogether.

I could have known how to handle Gaby at the next year’s camp. I could’ve stood up for myself.

I could’ve sought an assessment for ADHD and Autism as a teen. Back when insurance might’ve covered it easily.

I could’ve been equipped with that knowledge and sought out other AuDHD friends.

But who would I be now if that had all happened?

I got into the synesthesia stuff because of the sensory overload that turned out to also be an autistic thing. Without the synnie stuff I might not have met Blake (who also no longer talks to me, and yet I’m not meant to believe I am the problem), from Michigan, and then we might not have moved to Michigan as readily.

If I had never moved at all, or not gone through the journey of colleges that I had, I might not have ended up at UMich.

And I probably would not have made the friends I made at my school because I might not have gone to that school at all. Or if I did, maybe I wouldn’t have the fixation on neurodivergence that I have right now, the same one that made me reach out to join the club.

As much as I wish I didn’t have all the emotional scars I have, every time I lay it out like this, it becomes clear that things happened this way for a reason.

But I wish I wasn’t so scared to just exist around my friends. I wish I didn’t overthink everything I do in their company. I really desperately want to know who I’d be and what would happen if I could just be myself and love fully ALL THE TIME, not just in short bursts of courage.

I want to know so badly. I’m not yet healed enough to try it. But I so wish I could just be the version of me I was as an intense little kid instead of a scared and walled-off little kid in an adult body.