#but life has been so suffocating
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vent in tags pls ignore i have no outlet
#but life has been so suffocating#and loneliness is too#ive been going through this depressive episode for weeks now and it’s extremely annoying#i’ve also been on this app for years and years but now that i have an actual account with a following where i post it’s somehow lonelier#i’m losing inspiration#and creativity#i’m self critical and it’s at an all time high#im not proud of any works or ideas and it’s so discouraging#being on here feels very lonely#but so does being offline#and i feel like i can’t win
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To me, Machete kind of has the energy of a secondary villain/coldhearted side character in someone else's story that a lot of fans latch onto, moreso than the protagonist. Question is, would he be the villain in anyone's story?
Why, thank you! I'm actually glad to hear he gives off that vibe. I don't think he set out to become a villain but a lot of people certainly view him as one.
#in the 16th century canon he starts out as an introverted but sincerely well meaning guy that never quite manages to find his social niche#he was a sensitive kid and when subjected to enough pressure#his insecurity fearfulness and powerlessness mutate into distrust resentment aggression suffocating repression and self-restraint#I don't think he's a bad person in fact he consistently tries very hard to do the right thing#do his job properly avoid letting people down and get through life with a sense of dignity#but he is supposed to come across kind of cold impersonable and difficult to be around if you don't know him personally (and very few do)#people can sense there's something wrong with him and are put off by it#Vatican is a nest of vipers and as the stakes rise he retreats deeper into his coldblooded untouchable work persona#he has no choice but to start lying scheming blackmailing and eliminating his enemies#in order to maintain his position keep Vasco safe their relationship under wraps and his own head above water#essentially playing by the same rules everyone else in the holy see has been playing with for centuries#eventually he loses his spot as the secretary of state and is manipulated/forced to take on a role in the roman inquisition#and if people were sort of iffy about him before being the authority overseeing trials torture excommunications and executions doesn't help#and since he has so few allies and such an infamous reputation he's an easy target for scapegoating whenever necessary#towards the end it dawns on him that he's become the kind of twisted cruel corrupt person he used to fear and despise#and the guilt moral injury and abject self-loathing had largely sapped him of his will to live by the time the final assassin gets him#answered#anonymous#Machete#Vaschete lore#he thought his dream of priesthood would make him a better person more worthy of admiration safety and love but he climbed too high#and got roped up in the dangerous games that take place under god's nose and slowly got strangled to death
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Returning from my partial break to say that I just tried a breathing strip at the recommendation of my myofunctional therapist and now I feel like I can actually breathe for the first time in my entire 26 years of life. What the fuck. Does everyone else feel this way all the time. What the hell
#rambling#BOTH of my nostrils are working at the SAME time??#and they're actually getting enough air in that it doesn't feel like I'm suffocating if i try to breathe though my nose??#what the hell man#this is more revolutionary to me than any of the life things that I've refrained from posting about since my 'break' started#i didn't post about my doctor suspecting i have sleep apnea and me discovering that unrelated sleep apnea literally gives you brain damage#(which feels really relevant with my memory issues 😶)#i didn't even post about how i managed to graduate from making my friends autistic to making my virtual coworkers in another state autistic#but THIS gets a post. this is the first time I've ever felt like i could truly breathe in my life. what the fuck#this is the first time I've tried this and i haven't had it on for too long so i guess we'll see how i feel in the morning#but still. what the hell#appreciate your working noses please y'all don't know how good you have it#update: its been less than an hour and my nose has already found a way to fortify itself against the evil oxygen being allowed into it#it was good while it lasted 😔
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sobbing at every heart event ...
#stardew valley#sdv shane#farmer koi#as someone who grew up thinking i would be fine with death at 18#as someone who struggled so hard with connecting with others because everything felt suffocating#being able to tell shane that im happy hes here is like telling myself that and hoo boy im crying#the things id love to hear and the things said to me being options in the six heart event#really impacted me#as someone who related to no after plan in the four heart event because i still dont even have a real plan in life#just wow the flashbacks to being unhappy in school the thoughts of being condemned in sunday school#and the fact you can tell him its a sin as a reason to not roll off a cliff is just enough to remind me of how much that hurts#as if im so bad you have to try guilting me into living... gosh#shanes heart events are therapy for me to actually tell someone i relate to YOURE STILL HERE AND THATS GOOD#like does concernedape know how therapeutic its been to tell shane the things i wanna hear#anyway sorry for the possibly depressing tags that is why i kept them in the tags#watch me go back and just delete all the tags but yeah this has been emotional to see from a diff perspective#im so used to being shane that its wild to see what it might look like and its kinda crushing me
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I can’t believe I’ve lost two years of my twenties to health problems and disability. it’s still baffling me that I’m not anywhere close to recovering
#I thought I’d be back at work in 3 weeks at the end of 2022 and now it’s nearly two years later and I’m still practically bedridden#if my body can’t recover from what is an incredibly minor surgery how am I going to have kids one day#not to mention I lost months to those freak mystery seizures too#genuinely so traumatized from everything that has happened the last 2 years#with multiple other things that have happened in my personal life on the side during all of my health issues I am so tired as a human being#idk how to begin life again or when my body will allow it but I’m so ready for this era of my life to be over#I want to shed all of these bad health problems and bad relationships#everything has felt so suffocating. I feel like I need a mental breath of fresh air#I hope 28 is kinder to me than the last two years of my life have been#bria.txt
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Imagine: you are Idril and you hate your cousin viscerally and this hate is later justified in every way possible. He is a monster and a traitor and as unlike your belovéd aunt as possible. And he dies, and he does not come to the Halls of Mandos and does not reembody. Perhaps you are horrible for thinking this: but you are glad. You are glad he is gone and unable to return. He was a nightmare who crawled into your stainless city and tore it down when it was least expected. He made your father love him, and then he betrayed him, and you will never forgive nor forget it. Now there is no way he can hurt you, your husband, your son, your people– and there is no one he can betray.
and then your aunt reembodies.
Your aunt reembodies and yes, she died for that monster, but she was blameless for she was forced to marry evil and birth evil and love evil. But now she's reborn without those cobwebs of enchantment and you are prepared for her grief and rage over having been controlled. She will not be the same. But she will be back, at long last.
Except. she comes back and none of these things happen.
She doesn't care that her son is evil and treacherous, more his father's son than hers. She doesn't care. She grieves for your city and in the next breath she wishes for her son's return. So you love your aunt and your aunt loves the creature of your nightmares– the betrayer that nearly killed your son and brought your home to ruin. So you love your aunt but she does not listen when you tell her to let her son go because she never saw–
and so your aunt leaves. and it feels like betrayal. like your cousin ruining your family further from beyond the grave.
she still visits, but no one in the family knows where she lives. She is strange– both the steely eyed aunt you remember and yet sometimes she looks like she has never seen you before. you try to break the enchantment that she must be under to keep looking for your Marred cousin, but there is nothing for you to find. all your trying does is send her into a rage the likes you have only seen once before: when she dragged your father away from following your mother in death for your sake.
you love your aunt, and most days, you are sure your aunt loves you.
but you cannot understand her, and in this you have lost her as surely as when she died.
#tolkien#the silmarillion#aredhel#idril celebrindal#maeglin#our long heritage of heresy#in the heresy verse things are so so complicated between aredhel and idril because neither of their feelings about maeglin are wrong exactl#but maeglin being GONE– nowhere in Arda– is really the straw that breaks the camel's back for aredhel#and all idril is seeing is the maeglin issue which is a significant part of it but there's other shit in there as well on aredhel's end!!#my favorite dynamic for aredhel amongst the nolofinwions is that they love her but on a fundamental level they do not understand her#and she loves them back. so she forgives them for it (mostly) and says nothing of it. she leaves when it gets too much#but she always comes back#except reembodied aredhel has had an entire history created about what happened to her after she left gondolin WITHOUT HER INPUT#and BOY did they get it WRONG#and it is SUFFOCATING#here lies my three defining traits for aredhel: 1) she has been mistranslated her entire life from the very first time her mother held her#and said Irissë meant “Desired Lady” instead “Lady of Desire”/“Lady who Desires”#2) aredhel has little forgiveness and little pity but for those she cares about she will let (minor) mistakes go#(no matter how these little things build up and rot and fester)#and 3) aredhel built the enchantments that hid Gondolin and her craft is threefold: illusions and hunting and always. always. freedom.#apparently no one in her family can understand this. even after thousands of years and her DEATH#and unfortunately for everyone else reembodied aredhel reaches her limit and finally finally snaps#and this looks like it has come out of NOWHERE to the nolofinwions#shit's messy!#<- should be the slogan of Aman#my posts
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the flash should have ended with barry quitting his job at ccpd to become a stay-at-home husband and that's on that
#the fun part is it genuinely could have ended like that. i have no idea. still haven't watched it#NOBODY TELL ME BTW#THAT IS NOT ME ASKING FOR SPOILERS. I'LL GET TO IT#but honestly it's the only thing that makes sense. i have genuine reasons for this#namely: how the fuck is iris. an incredible but ordinary non-speedster woman. meant to look after a baby speedster#ordinary babies are already making it their life's mission to die. eating shit they shouldn't. rolling over and suffocating.#idk i don't know about kids but i know babies are breakable and will roll off tables and god knows what else#now imagine you have a toddler and she can literally move at hundreds of miles per hour#how the fuck was iris meant to cope?#i still maintain that when they did the 'she put a power dampener in nora' plot it should have been like. not a control thing#but also yeah. literally a control thing because HOW THE FUCK ELSE WAS SHE MEANT TO LOOK AFTER HER BABY#if barry is gone and she's a single mother. assuming no other speedsters are around to help her. what the fuck else was she meant to do?#of course she had to suppress her powers because how can you stop your toddler running into traffic if she can run 1000 times faster than u#how do you keep her in her crib at night if she can phase through the bars?#in that sense. yeah it's fucked up. but you can understand it. you can empathize. what other options did she have?#so yeah stay-at-home dad barry is the only thing that makes sense for genuine safety reasons#he is quite literally the only one who can keep up with the kids#they dropped the ball on nora is all i'm saying. again. fic that lives in my head where original nora's death actually means something#and we get a new nora who is ACTUALLY a different person. as she would be considering her whole upbringing was different#and she has to somehow live up to the memory of a version of her that was erased from time#part of barry and iris can't accept that that specific version of their daughter is gone and it's not her#THE ANGST POTENTIALLLL#in my head she doesn't even go by nora because she's like. THAT'S NOT ME. SHE DIED. WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT WHO I AM AND LOVE ME FOR ME#she goes by dawn bc yeah im still kinda sad they didnt use that name#fictional characters give ur kid an original name instead of always naming them after dead ppl challenge#my fics#my meta
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#i’m having an incredibly hard time.#and i’m trying not to burden anyone else with it because i’ve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister#and that’s confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just don’t even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i don’t think i’ve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i don’t even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long it’ll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he won’t he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like i’m going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my mom’s room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i can’t go to bed without putting him to bed#i didn’t know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i don’t know how i’m going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i haven’t been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i don’t see myself ever getting up atp
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hi im going to leave chicago in a few hours. i don’t want to come home
#purrs#chicago#this trip has been so. SO healing for me. indescribably. and im terrified to lose it when i come back to my home environments and spend#every day going back and forth between home and campus. i know now that i need to do independent things and i#CAN do independent things and i always could. what i don’t know how to do is take that knowledge and apply it to my life at home such that#end up moving out and living by myself asap LOLLLLLL#i have spent so much time wandering. wandered to the art insitute of chicago. wandered on all levels and sides of the riverwalk. wandered#onto the navy pier by COMPLETE accident and it was the first pier ive been on since br!ghton and they had carnival rides and everything and#it started to heal a part of me that was still broken. i don’t know how i can go home now when there’s so much still to explore. i am#terrified to lose this. i haven’t been consumed by depression or anxiety for like 4 days and it has been the biggest hugest breath of fresh#air and i just am so scared to go back to suffocating with no escape in sight until my next conference in june LOL#* i wandered by myself btw. completely alone and only sometimes surrounded by people. and it was so important for me#also like… this was my first time EVER walking in a city all by myself and riding in ubers etc etc. i was so scared remember? but now i am#confident and strong. after 4 days. and i know going home is going to drain me but nothing can ever take this experience away from me.#i can do it. i COULD do it all along. and i will do it again.
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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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I was so very good and finished my taxes and paid some things so I could reassure myself that I can put in my 2 weeks notice even tho I don't have a job lined up yet (I'm Working on it...)
I dont imagine it'll take me long to find Some kind of job, though it likely won't pay as much as I'm used to. But. So long as I have Something, I'll get by.
What matters most right now is getting out of this stupid fucking job bc it has been Killing Me.
#speculation nation#i dont say that lightly btw this job has been. ugh.#ill miss the mundane administrative duties. as strange as that is to say.#i like feeling productive and valued.#but it's been coming at the cost of my health and happiness#the stress would kill me by 30. and thats assuming my goddamned ankles didnt give out first.#continuing my work on the Unfuck My Life resolution. maybe after i get a new job i can try to get on adhd meds#and also Maybe do smth about my probable fibro. i would love to not be so fatigued all the time thank u#and then . going back to school. i logged into my school email for the first time in too long#i need to actually email my advisor soon. tell her whats been up. maybe that can be a goal for next week.#i also wanna get a haircut. short hair. chop it all off. new hair new job new me.#it's. it's a lot. it's really scary actually. but im working on it. im trying to get to a better place.#ive been suffocating for too long. i want so desperately for life to not feel like treading water at the threat of death.#so. we'll see. whatever happens im going to pull through.
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LUFFY PLEAE GEAR SECONDO AND JUMP OVER GARP PLEASE
#coby passed out for being an imprudent ass. helmeppos tears bring him back to life i guess#hancock saving the day again <3 love you girl#are all the marines going to gossip from now on about luffy and hancock being married. i hope so. like my girl is desd serious#the monkeys are bullying little luffy :(#well his grandfather too#little luffy hanging onto his grandpa while falling asleep what if i cry. what if i sob. what if i kill garp rn#i cant do this rn says luffy. me neither my boy#yes luffy yes. hell yeah man you got him.#fuck that old man. fall over and die#well that might have been a show. but as rihanna said. that was quite a show. very entertaining#AAHHHH AAHHH AHHHH FINALLY MADE IT OMG AAAAH HE IS SO HAPPY AAAHHH AAAHA THE DREAD!!!! AAAAH AAAAH AAAAH#SENGOKU FALL OVER AND DIE#SHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT#HE HAS SOME DOUBLE DS????!!!!#THE FUCKING KEEEY#MR 3!!!! GET ON SCENE RIGHT NOW#YEAAAAH!!! YEAAAAH!!!! YRAAAAH!!!!!!#little luffy omg nows not the time 😭😭#oh he did it for mr2..... omg...... last honorable man in there bc buggy sure as hell isnt#oh he suffocated that man lmao#candle wall and ace is free for retailation i know it#FUCK YES YEAAAAAHHHH YAEEEAGDJABSJSHSKS#ACE IN A BLAST OF GLORY!!!!!! KILL THEM ALLL#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 481
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Finished Rubyfruit Jungle like a week ago, which I was studying for class, and ngl... I tried very hard to view the book as a product of its time, where things that are considered poor taste today probably weren't viewed that way back then, but most of the time I kinda just got a "I'm not like THOSE lesbians" vibe from it
#man for a girl that talks so much about how gender roles are suffocating and detrimental to women especially#she literally says that theyre women pretending to be men so they dont have to be lesbians... ok#like bc the theme is about how suffocating and stupid societal expectations are- i thought molly was eventually gonna realize#that she was picking up on her parents' biases and hatred for people outside of the norm#so when she finds people in her community shes uncomfortable bc this has all been shamed her whole life and even tho she breaks free#shes not immune from inflicting that worldview on other people. but no she never learns from this and from the authors statements#this is all supposed to be a good thing because labels are bad and the intent is that molly ''breaks free'' from this culture#even tho she is literally doing the exact thing her mom did by viewing masculine women as undesirable and gross#even tho molly herself is a domineering person with masculine attributes and interests- she looks down on butches unapologetically#its a book that says ''fuck yeah defy societal expectations and gender roles!! not that much though''#echoed voice
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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we can't get our meds until tomorrow now. literally just wanna jump out our window at this point like we have constant shit weighing on us as it is already & STILL get MORE shit constantly piled on literally what the fuck is it gonna take for us to be granted a goddamn break. we are stretched so fucking thin we have meltdowns & instant spirals over the tiniest, most insignificant thing. we are NOT okay in the slightest & the most unstable we've probably ever been & STILL keep getting pushed like. we're trying so hard not to become bitter but it's rly fucking hard not to. this year has been so fucking absurdly ruthless & merciless we have been ripped to shreds so many times this year alone we've lost count. when the fuck is this endless fucked up loop going to give & let us fucking GO.
#mine#we're getting to a point we don't even know how to describe or navigate bc of how far gone we are. how strained & burnt out we are#how fucking brutally stressed we are sincerely non fucking stop. nothing helps bc we are still in the thick of all of it. with no reprieve.#genuinely wtf are we sposed to do anymore. if shit really does get better if life rly is balanced then it HAS to happen SOON#& that good shit has to be worth it like we literally are so fucking unwell we can't put it into words anymore#our body is breaking down. genuinely. our health is bad all around bc of the stress.#& it keeps hurting more bc we had shit to hold onto but they were ripped away from us#& its very fucking hard to not let that get in our heads & believe the whole 'we're not worth it so ofc it didn't work out' spiel#we genuinely feel so fucking trapped & suffocated like it's actually sincerely insufferably bad#please for fuck's sake we've endured enough cruelty this year just let us BREATHE & move on we can't take it anymore#nobody fucking could!!!!!!!!!! just!!!! FUCK#literally not a single one of us even has it in us to front anymore like none of us can deal anymore. at all.#we have no idea what to do anymore bc we're all so goddamn unstable. none of us can endure Anything anymore#not even the ones who were made to bc this year has just been so fucking brutal.#we literally need shit to fucking work out it is sincerely not optional#we are not even surviving w how bad off we are. just. fucking give us good reapings & let us breathe & heal#we can't fucking take anything anymore we truly fucking can't
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#everything feels weird and strange and off kilter.#the grief and the emotions are coming in waves and it's getting extreme now#like i spend my day aware of everything happening around me#i spend my day trying to busy myself and do work outside of the house that matters and that needs to get done#if i can do this stuff for my grandma then i'll be fine#but the minute i'm next to her for more than five minutes it hits me#like everyone for the last three days has been telling us#'it doesn't look good. she doesn't have much time left. this is what you need to do to prepare for the end.'#and we're doing all of that#but every time i hear 'the end' or 'end of life' i just. feel like i'm choking and suffocating#like yes looking at her i know there's no other way this ends.#i know from having spent this much time around her that there's no coming back from this#but it still doesn't feel /real/#like. just in the last two days things have changed so dramatically#and so i hold her hand and i try to understand what she's saying and try to do whatever i can for her#and then i cry and cry and cry and cry. and then i get back up and go back to my life.#i try to do what i can. i weep for the impending loss of the person i love most in this world. and then i go back to my silly little things#i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this.#i've never felt like my heart was so attached and so rooted in someone else's heart like this before. and now she's about to leave us.#and i don't know what to do guys. i don't know how to process this.
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