#if my body can’t recover from what is an incredibly minor surgery how am I going to have kids one day

[flitterywings]

I can’t believe I’ve lost two years of my twenties to health problems and disability. it’s still baffling me that I’m not anywhere close to recovering

[betweentheracks]

Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

[johnark]

THIS STORY BEGINS WITH YANG PREGNANT AND EXPECTING ON 29 JULY 2019.

On 16 June Aram wrote:

Yang and I are both doing well. Yang is 33 weeks along, and our home is starting to feel a bit more child friendly. The crib, car seat, clothes, and diaper pail have all arrived and has been put together.

Next weekend we continue our classes at Stanford’s training school to learn more about infant care, and hopefully will still have one more relaxing holiday weekend (nearby in Santa Cruz) before the little one is here.

Aram

21 July Paul wrote: Aram and Yang are expecting a one-week delay of the birth because this is probable for 1st time Moms.

On 27 July 2019 John wrote:

Hi Aram and Yang So, our little lady will not make her grand appearance for all the world to see in July 2019, but rather in August 2019. Is there a day of most probable expectation? You know what I mean, even if I can't say it. It is said that male members of the family become somewhat confused near the day of expectation. I hope you don't fall into that category, Aram, and I can't even imagine that you do. Men, until recently, were not allowed in the birthing room. Now they are encouraged to be there at the mother's side. Will you be there, Aram? What are your plans? What about cigars? Do we have enough sense to abandon this tradition? OK, I know you guys are fully prepared and ready for the big day. The rest of us are in Stand-By Mode with plenty of anticipation and maybe some anxiety. Love you John and Tami

On 28 July Aram wrote: Hi John!

We’re awaiting patiently the babies arrival; tomorrow is her official due date but according to the hospital, 80% of new mothers deliver afterwards.

Starting tomorrow I’ll be working from home until the day arrives, which gives us a chance to spend the last few care free hours together :) But truthfully, we’re both awaiting the day now and looking forward to it.

No cigars or any other plans, but I do plan to be there. Typically new mother’s spend two nights at the hospital, so depending how Yang feels, we might have our friends stop by on the second day. But the plan is to just play everything by ear!

Hope all is well, Aram

On 1 August 2019 John wrote:

Hi Aram, Yang and BabyK I talked to Paul on the phone yesterday and he told me that we remain in Anticipation Mode for the time being. I recall your informing me via email that the doctors told you that it very well could be later than anticipated. And that's the case. So, I suppose there is little if any concern about this. If I recall correctly, Paul said that your (Aram) birth did not go exactly as planned. I think there was a matter of Paul's allowing the battery to run down in the car which was to be used to carry Pirjo to the hospital. You arrived earlier than anticipated. Another point was that there were 13 medical people in the delivery team and Pirjo knew all of them - she had worked in that hospital. There have been a lot of jokes about the father around the birth date. I don't have a specific joke for you, but I do have a photo. This is John, Francine and Michael on the birth date. Aram, you met all of them on Paul's 75th birthday celebration in NYC. Does John look worn out to you? OK, we remain in stand by mode. Love, John and Tami

On 3 August 2019 Aram wrote: Hi John and Tami!

In just a short while, we’re going to head to the hospital, and hopefully meet Lilja soon.

This morning Yang’s water broke around 6 am. A quick call to the hospital, and they asked us to come in around 8 to 9 after we’d had a chance to shower, have breakfast, and just get ourselves up and about. We arrived just after 8, and a few tests later it was confirmed that yes, the water broke, and no, there wasn’t yet any meconium (i.e. poop).

Because of that, they suggested we could enjoy the sunny day and go about our business. Labor might start, but if it didn’t, we should be back in 24 hours to ensure no infection. Since we didn’t really think we’d be able to sleep tonight, and it’s no fun to wake up at 5 am, we elected to head in after dinner tonight. We’re not sure yet of the plan, but we assume they’re likely to start to induce Yang.

So we enjoyed a nice, lazy Saturday in the city. Some slow walks, a nice lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant, ice cream and socializing with my old roommate who was visiting from Germany, and shortly a slice of pizza at one of our favorite restaurants. Oh, and a lottery ticket – just in case :)

Yang is doing super well –– no complains –– and ever ready to do her part. I feel remarkably calm; in some ways this feels calm and orderly.

We’ll let you know as soon as we know how things go!

Love, Aram + Yang

On 4 August, 6:59 PM Aram wrote: Will write more later, but Yang and Lilja are both good. Long day, resulting in a c-section, but are in good health and spirits.

Born 5:11 pm, August 4th, 2019, 7 lbs 5. Love from us all!

On 4 August 2019, 8:48 PM John wrote: YAAAHUUUU!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!! Seven - five. That's exactly the average weight of a newborn according to Mrs. Internet. Thank you for the news and the photo. Love you - John & Tami

On 5 August 2019 John wrote: Hi Aram, Yang and Lilja You wrote "long day, resulting in a C-Section." We take this to mean that most of yesterday was spent with unsuccessful induced labor. Also that inasmuch as we were a week past the anticipated delivery date it was decided then to resort to Plan - C. Is that the way it went? Anytime surgery is involved, whether minor or major, there are concerns. And there is the recovery and healing from the incision. We know that Yang is in good health, as are both of you, and we anticipate that her good health will carry her through this complication. Just passed 'one day old' a short time ago. Wishing a speedy recovery for Yang. John and Tami

On 6 August Aram wrote: Hi John,

Yang had to endure three different methods of delivery on Sunday: after we were admitted on Saturday evening and inducers users, by 5 am she started to experience a lot of pain. She bore through it for two hours, and when nitrous oxide didn’t help, we switched to the stronger fentinel.

At that point they did an exam and found her to be 6.5 cm open, so very close. With the pain increasing, we switched to an epidural that worked well and by 1.30 pm she was fully dilated.

Lilja wasn’t in the best position, so we waited an hour hoping gravity would help.

Active delivery started 2.30 pm, and after two hours of pushing, Lilja was starting to struggle. Her heart beat jumped after the contractions, so they were worried she needed to be delivery soon.

Complicating things was Yang developed a fever and infection.

They tried the vacuum to see if she might be able to still be delivered naturally, but no luck — so c-section was the best way. I was able to be in the room, and it was relatively short.

Yang’s infection means Lilja is still in the nursery/nicu and not with us. By tomorrow, we will know if she has any symptoms.

Yang was moved the first night to a floor better equipped to handle her monitoring, but by yesterday afternoon returned to the delivery floor. Antibiotics are still being used, but she has made incredible progress. 2 pm yesterday was intense swelling, and general immobility. By 8 pm she was able to walk to the nursery.

Today she is doing much better, and only having the IV intermittently. Breastfeeding attempts have started.

Our hope is tomorrow Lilja can return to our recovery room, and that we might be able to go home by Thursday. However, if Lilja has an infection, we will need to readjust.

On 6 August John wrote: WOW! OH, MY!! Thank you very much, Aram, for your detailed report. Oh, my. We can be so very thankful that Yang has taken such good care of her health all these years. She needed that good health for this. So glad that she is recovering quickly. This again speaks to her good health and her taking good care of her body. The indications are that we are on the down side of a very difficult situation. We are so proud of Yang. Her physical and mental strength carried the day. Thank you for the photos. Love and hugs to all three of you!! John and Tami

On 7 August John wrote: Another day in recovery. We hope all is progressing in a normal manner. We are so thankful that the rules have changed and that you were able to be at Yang's side all the way. We know that it was a great comfort for her. Hopeful that Thursday will be a homeward bound day. John and Tami

On 7 August Aram wrote: Lilja joined us today after lunch in the recovery room. Some minor monitoring but she will likely have a clean bill of health tomorrow :)

Yang is doing better, still recovering, and still on antibiotics. They need to give IVs tonight and probably tomorrow, so it looks like we might be able to go home on Friday, assuming everything with Yang is positive.

Lilja has started doing baby 👶 things. Peeing, feeding, crying but it feels good.

Thanks for the continued positive messages, they help us through the day! Aram

On 8 August John wrote: Thank you for your message yesterday. Great to see Lilja An doing all the things she is supposed to. And we hope Yang will be able to travel tomorrow, Friday. Isn't it amazing that even with the best, even meticulous, planning and preparation things don't always go as they should? Good health was our backup here and we are thankful for it. Thanks for the news and the Great Photos! We hope you are well enough to travel tomorrow. All the best. Love you John & Tami

On 9 August John wrote:

10:24 PM, PT, 9 August 2019. We hope you guys are tired from a day of relocating from the hospital to home base, getting settled at home and preparing for bed. This would mean that every thing with Yang is positive and that she has been cleared to completely take over as Mom and that Lilja An is ready for home care. Night One with the family at home. It actually is Night One, Day One of a new life for you guys. New adventures, new joys, new surprises. Good night, sleep well.

Love - John & Tami

On 10 August Aram wrote:

Hi John + Tami,

Yes! Yang and Lilja were discharged yesterday from the hospital, and around 3.30 pm we made the short 3-5 minute drive back home.

Lilja got a tour of the apartment, where she would be sleeping, and then promptly relieved herself – which in this case – was what we had been waiting for.

Our first night home was relatively restful. I had a chance to pick up Yang’s meds, some Chinese food, and some small treats for the evening. Yang’s got a lot more energy today, and we even completed our next milestone: taking a short walk to Noe Valley’s town square with Lilja – which is an approx. 1 mile walk round trip.

This time last week, we were finishing up a meal at one of our favorite Pizza places adjacent to the hospital and getting ready for the adventure. Now a week later, we’re healthy, at home, and in just a few moments, I’ll go ahead and start putting together a small pasta and salad dinner.

Love, Aram

THE TIME NOW IS 5:11 PM PT, 11 AUGUST 2019. THE END OF WEEK ONE, LILJA AN.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE ATTACHED TO THIS DIALOGUE.

Photos left to right: Lilja 4 August, Day One, Yang & Lilja 6 August, Lilja 6 August Yang & Lilja 7 August, Lilja 7 August Yang & Lilja 10 August, Lilja 10 August