#but jesus christ you are NOT immune to propaganda! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thedinoknowsall · 5 months ago

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Ok, I did just watch the Legal Eagle vid on this and it’s a liiiittle more complicated than that. (Note: this is not me defending the Disney lawyers actions here, I still think that the argument that the widow of someone being forced into arbitration because he signed up for two unrelated services years before is FUCKED especially since he’s suing on behalf of the deceased’s estate, ANYWAY)

1. The restaurant is not owned or operated by Disney, Disney are the landlords (the pub in question is near but not in the park and it is not run by Disney staff). The way that the widow and the estate are claiming that Disney has any part in this debacle (because, again, Disney is only the landlord of this restaurant) is because Disney does have a representation of the restaurant’s menu on their website. The couple allegedly checked the menu there on the Disney website before going to the restaurant, and then triple checked that their food was allergen free with the restaurant staff.

2. Disney is not trying to claim that they can “kill anyone if they have used Disney +”, HOLY FUCK that’s a major mischaracterization. You are not immune to propaganda Garfield meme or whatever.

What Disney was trying to argue (and again, I don’t agree with their argument, I think it’s ghoulish) is that the widow should be forced into arbitration, which is outside governmental court proceedings. The widow could get the same money (or more) in an arbitration settlement, but the public would never know about it because that’s one of the deals with arbitration. And also that allows Disney to deal with this quietly.

Now, Devin Legal Eagle claims that arbitration may be a bit unfairly maligned. Personally, I agree more with the comments in the video that point out that the capitalistic arbitration system (where arbitrators are hired by companies) is proooobably gonna, idk, be a little biased towards the massive company involved so the arbitrators get hired by them again? Just saying?

HOWEVER, I mentioned two unrelated services earlier; allegedly the widow signed up for Disney+ in 2019 which has the typical bs Terms and Service check that includes a “by the way you HAVE to arbitrate any issue with any part of the Disney company, ever and forever” clause buried in it. He then bought Epcot tickets with the same account in 2023 (I think that’s the date) which requires the same bs Terms and Service click. So yes, technically, allegedly, he reaffirmed that he would arbitrate disputes with ANY PART of the Disney Company.

BUT, again, he’s operating on behalf of the deceased’s estate, and to my knowledge there’s no evidence that she did any signing of any waivers.

3. As a side note, from my memory of their order, the stuff they got should have been super easy to make dairy and nut free? Jesus Christ this restaurant was incompetent.

So! Sick meme or whatever, comrade, but damn is it a fearmongering mess.

TL;DR: Disney does suck, but not quite as bad as this meme implies.

Legal Eagle vid link is under the read more, if you want to watch it yourself.

youtube

#Youtube #Disney #Disney death case #legal eagle #but also hot damn those arbitration terms in ToS are such horseshit

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sonicenvy · 11 months ago

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On Tumblr, disinformation, and learning how the fuck to evaluate sources so you don't share false information

So. Many. People. on this site uncritically reblog disinformation/fakenews/misinformation/reality denying posts/etc., which really hurts now, since we should all know at this point that there are bad actors using social media to deliberately spread false information for their own ends. This is something that frustrates me deeply as an IS professional and as a regular, generally educated human. You don't need to help psyops or hate groups by spreading their misinformation friends. It's hard to tell what the truth is sometimes, I get that, especially in today's climate where right-wing bad actors have done their damnedest to muddy the waters of truth in harmful ways, and where information is basically laser beaming itself onto your eyeballs at a dizzingy speed with the power of the internet.

I'll admit to you right now that I fell for (and shared) some misinformation from the psyop blogs in 2016, so I am by no means saying that I'm some kind of perfect paragon on this point. But Jesus Christ people we are all (hopefully) very aware of the psyops now. Like that happened. We KNOW that there are bad actors spreading disinformation on this webbed site (and many others) and it's only going to get worse the closer we get to November. The 2016 psyops btw, were the subject of an 85 page report as part of the 5 part report on Russian interference in the 2016 election from the selective intelligence committee in the US senate. We also know that the Russian IRA is using psyop campaigns to target Ukraine/Ukrainians. This was and is a very real threat to democracy, truth, progress, and marginalized people everywhere.

Three topics that are hot for disinformation/false news/and misinformation on this site (and others) are the upcoming 2024 presidential elections, I/P, and Russia/Ukraine. These are 3 topics that you should be very discerning about your sources on, as there is copious false information being spread like wildfire across social media about these three topics, to the benefit of a wide range of governments, companies, and special interests from many groups along the political spectrum. Something, something, you are not immune to propaganda.

But the thing is, you have the power to help stop the spread of stupid misinformation and lies on this site (and others)! By checking sources on an issue post BEFORE you share it, you can stop fake information from spreading. You can further help by telling your friends, blocking these posts, and blocking posters who repeatedly and unashamedly spread this kind of disinformation.

Or hell, don't share issue posts at all; you don't need to have a prepared PR statement with poasts about every issue ever. You can pick and chose what you share on your social media and limit it to issues that you feel confident you can find and share good, true, reliable information about, with good, reliable actionable steps. Especially here on tumblr, you are under ZERO obligation to blog about any particular topic, no matter what other people are saying. YOU are the ultimately arbiter of what goes out onto YOUR blog.

I totally get that it is exhausting to have to check your sources, but if you're not feeling up for checking sources you have the option to NOT share current event/issue posts, and I would encourage you to do this. Joining in outrage trains that don't have actionable steps afterwards doesn't really help anyone. Once again you don't have to speak about every issue and you have no obligation to provide PR statements about your opinions on every issue ever. It is also 100% OK to admit and acknowledge that something is outside of your knowledge base or expertise and that you do not consider yourself a good source for information on a particular topic. You have options, and people who send you hateful messages telling you otherwise are behaving like clowns, and don't deserve your time. Your time is limited on this bitch of an Earth and there's no reason to waste it caring about the opinions of people who wake up and choose to be cruel to others online.

You should be deeply suspicious of any posts that are deliberately designed to make you feel furious and/or hopeless, especially if they don't also have actionable suggestions. Double especially when they seem to be coming from somone "on your side." Even if the OP isn't a bad actor, doomposting and doomscrolling are ultimately bad for you (and for OP and for everyone else), because it does nothing productive; all it does is makes you feel bad/guilty, which I'm gonna be real, is deeply christian of you people.

BUT if you're going to share issue posts here are some questions you should be asking to evaluate your sources from your local librarian (me):

SOURCE: Who is the publisher of this source? Where are they getting their information? Who else is citing this source? What are the credentials of the publication? (Why should this publication be trusted to provide good information about [subject]? Is this source known to be a source that provides accurate and reliable information?) Who does the publication have connections to? Who funds this source? (largely in the case of news, is it a state-sponsored source? Is this source funded by special interest groups? Is this source sponsored by a specific corporate sponsor?) Might the publication have a conflict of interest related to the topic (essentially, do they gain any specific benefit for presenting the information in a certain way?)

AUTHOR: Who is the author of this source? What motivations might they have? What is their background? What other things are they publishing? Who do they have connections to? (as with the publication, is the author directly connected to [subject presented] in a way that might conflict with their ability to accurately present this information? Does the author have connections to individuals or groups known to provide false information?)

For posters, who is the OP? Looking at their page/blog, what information do they provide about themselves (they have no obligation to share personal information on here of course, but what information they chose to share can be telling about their motivations and whether or not they are a real person.) Does the OP show any signs that suggest they are a bot? How old is OPs blog? What are their other kinds of posts? Does OP have other posts that contain obvious disinformation? Do they interact with others in good faith? Do they engage in public harassment of other users? Do they have other posts that contain dog whistles or other rhetoric used by known hate groups (ie: rhetoric/language known to be used by TERFS, n^zis, white supremacists, incels, or other extremist or exclusionist groups). Do they regularly share information from publications widely known to be unreliable or false?

TIMELINESS : When was this information published? This is perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask about any news event, because when it comes to current events, the information known or available about them changes as time passes and often earlier information on a situation contains understandable inaccuracies. When was it last updated? Is this the most current version of this source, or are there newer editions? (For example, the same news source may have multiple articles about the same event, so it's important to check if the one you're sharing is the most current one) When was the information collected? (If the source you're citing was published currently are they relying on the most current information or are their sources less current?)

EVIDENCE: What evidence does the source cite for their claims? [are they using primary and secondary sources? For background information, who do they cite?) Can you find other sources that support these claims? (If you see a statistic or number, are there other sources that also cite that same statistic or number? Who is the actual source of that statistic? If an article makes a claim, can you find other articles from different publications that also make that claim? Do those other sources have credentials that make them a reliable source of information on [subject]? If this claim is only being cited by a small number of publications, while a larger number of publications make different claims about [subject] why might this be?) What sources is the author using to find the information they're presenting? (Beyond interviewed sources, what sources does the author use to get their facts? Who do they cite for statistics, numbers or other data?) Who are they interviewing? (in the case of a news article, which POVs is the author relying on for their article? If the article was about the actions of a corporation, does the author only rely on information given to them by a PR rep for that same corporation or do they interview other sources related to the story?)

In the case of a post, who does the OP cite as a source for their information? If the only source is a tik tok video, are there other sources that agree with the information presented in that video? Videos and images can be doctored by AI or by people. The way that images and videos are composed, framed and presented can radically change how their audience interprets or understands the information being presented. What does the framing of the image tell us about the author's perspective on [topic]?

TONE/LANGUAGE: What kind of language or rhetoric does the author use when presenting the information? Does the author of the source or the post use inflammatory language, designed to elicit a power emotional response? Does the source use language that creates a sense of hopelessness? What kind of language does the article or poster use when talking about individuals from marginalized peoples? Does the poster or the source use language that is known to be rhetoric attached to specific prejudices/bigotry (essentially is the language used from known talking points of hate groups?)

Studying the language used in the source, does it appear to be a source presenting facts, opinions or propaganda? Many sources will be some mixture of these things, especially when it comes to news sources, so the question becomes, which of these three things is the strongest bent of the source?

Here are some additional sources that you can visit to read or watch more about source evaluation from a variety of college/university libraries:

Santa Barbara City College Luria Library on source evaluation University of California Berkley Library on source evaluation Kettering University Library on source evaluation Harvard University on source evaluation Dominican University Rebecca Crown Library on source evaluation Seattle University Lemieux Library and McGoldrick Learning Commons on source evaluation University of Virginia Library on source Evaluation

selected bibliography:

Neill Hoch, Indira. 2020. “Russian Internet Research Agency Disinformation Activities on Tumblr: Identity, Privacy, and Ambivalence.” Social Media + Society 6 (4): 205630512096178. https://doi.org/10.1177/2056305120961783.

Issie Lapowsky. 2018. “Tumblr Names Russian Propaganda Accounts after Long Silence.” Wired. WIRED. March 23, 2018. https://www.wired.com/story/tumblr-russia-trolls-propaganda/.

Martineau, Paris. 2019. “Russia’s Disinformation War Is Just Getting Started.” Wired. WIRED. October 8, 2019. https://www.wired.com/story/russias-disinformation-war-is-just-getting-started/.

‌U.S. Congress, Senate, Select Committee on Intelligence, Russian Active Measures, Campaigns and Interference in the 2016 U.S. Election Volume 2: Russia's Use of Social Media With Additional Views, 116th Cong., 1rst sess., 2020, S-Rep. 116-290, https://www.intelligence.senate.gov/sites/default/files/documents/Report_Volume2.pdf.

U.S. Congress, Senate, Select Committee on Intelligence, Russian Active Measures, Campaigns and Interference in the 2016 U.S. Election Report Volumes I-V Together With Additional Views, 116th Cong., 2d sess., 2020, S-Rep. 116-290, https://www.congress.gov/116/crpt/srpt290/CRPT-116srpt290.pdf.

Winder, Davey. n.d. “Russia Targets Ukraine with Hybrid Cyberattack.” Forbes. Accessed February 26, 2024. https://www.forbes.com/sites/daveywinder/2024/02/21/russia-unleashes-2-pronged-psyops-and-cyberattack-on-ukraine/?sh=2297053f4540.

Cassidy, Caitlin. 2022. “Doomscrolling Linked to Poor Physical and Mental Health, Study Finds.” The Guardian. September 5, 2022. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/sep/06/doomscrolling-linked-to-poor-physical-and-mental-health-study-finds.

‌

#issues #library stuff #pol #source evaluation #long post for ts #mine #fact checking #tumblr

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wooteena · 4 years ago

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technoblade speedrunning adopting ranboo (high school edition): the fanfic

also on ao3!

hey remember this post? well i got so attatched and impatient that i wrote over 1k words for a pilot type chapter for it <3

chapter one: officer in my defense i punched that guy because he deserves it

Techno Blade-Minecraft would call himself smart. He got good grades without trying, learned second, then third languages with ease, read textbooks for fun, etcetera etcetera. Wisdom without experience was a rare thing to possess, especially in a high school senior but techno had it tight in his grasp, easily making him a ‘Model Student’. He understood he got unneeded attention from that, which sucked, but it was an easy trade-off to be the automatic teacher’s favourite.

But Techno was a man of wisdom, not a man of sense. So naturally, he remembered a fact about baby birds he learnt when he was six years old:

‘Classical "imprinting", as seen with for example, ducks or geese, means that the animal's instinctive programming says "the first big animal you see after hatching is your mom, follow them and look to her for food, warmth, love and learning’

Actually, Techno decided he was the man of Most Sense because at that very moment, the tallest, yet somehow weakest looking freshmen he’d ever seen was being cornered by a group of hefty looking seniors.

And the baby bird, with its innocent, scared eyes was looking right at him.

He looked around the hallway, a desperate scan for other students he could push his growing parental responsibility on to. It was a ghost town, as empty as the remakes of towns from the old west he saw on childhood school excursions.

‘Fuuuuuuuuuuck.’

Technoblade took a deep breath in through his nose, then released it out of his mouth like if he breathed hard enough, his empathy could be taken away with the non existent wind in the soul-crushing grey hallways. It obviously didn’t work because Jesus Christ that kid looked helpless.

As quickly as one could without compromising a freshmen’s still intact nose, Techno examined the seniors. They all wore the school football team’s letterman jacket (‘what is this, Heathers?’), a classic pointer for internalized insecurity, toxic masculinity and most importantly unrightfully self diagnosed Strong Guy syndrome, which meant that they definitely were only beating up a freshmen because that was the most they could actually fight. One point to Technoblade. They also were all at least a solid five inches shorter than him, which Techno would have laughed at if the situation wasn’t so dire. Point two for Technoblade.

Catching himself before letting his wandering mind think up a full five paragraph M.L.A sighted essay to why he could crush these nerds, he decided that two points was enough leverage to still crush these nerds, but with slightly less confidence.

With as much patience as he could, he slowly walked up to the group like a silent lion hunting his soon to be, very dead* (maybe not dead, *slightly bruised) prey. The baby bird, trapped in one of his prey’s chokehold, stared at him like he was a madman. Techno’s objective changed: knock out the dickhead choking a kid.

They stood in a corner, the choker in the middle, the other two blocking off the only escapes and laughing cruelly at the baby bird. Completely distracted.

Techno curled his fist, aiming to punch that asshole’s teeth in or at least break his nose. He starts to run, about five feet away from his target and oh god this is a terrible idea he does fencing not hand to ha-

BAM.

Choker’s nose made a resounding crack and fell back onto the jock on the left. Probably because it’d be ‘too gay’, or whatever, the guy sidesteps and lets a knocked out, nose broken, probably popular kid by comparing his ego to the size of his dick, fall onto the ground

The two awake bullies look between their knocked out friend, then at Techno, then at each other.

“MISS NIIIIHACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!”

Techno knew they’d call a teacher because they’re cowards but really? Nihachu?

That lady is TERRIFYING what did he do to deserve this.

He let out a long, disappointed ‘bruh’ before with a jolt, remembering the whole reason he punched that jock in the first.

The child.

He doesn’t bother trying to pick up him up because holy hell he’s tall, but pulls one of the kid’s arms over his shoulder, and with his other arm holds their waist and sprints as fast as he can down the hall.

“What the…” murmurs the half dead lump on his back, and while Techno’s surprised his vocal chords aren’t dead? Not even a ‘thank you’? Techno thinks he should start doing charity work at this point.

He continues to run though, because he’s a generous soul, until slowing to open a door that opens the blinding sunlight of the free world outside their prison.

Despite himself, Techno lets his mouth slip into a big enough smile that actually shows his teeth because he just did that. His celebratory moment is cut off though, because the weight on his back suddenly felt even heavier and-

Oh my God the baby bird just fell asleep on me.

Am I a father now?

What do I tell Phil? Does this make him a grandfather?

I can’t just take him home.

What’s stopping you?

Oh my God, I’m a genius.

Techno may be a proclaimed genius, but he is not immune to the inherent propaganda of cute children, so he sets down the kid on the least grimey part of a battered metal bench to get his first proper look at the sleeping giant.

Apart from his injuries (a bleeding nose, bruises forming on his arms, a black eye and a red handprint on his neck) the kid looked… Weird. Techno had subconsciously noticed it while carrying him, but only now the complete oddity of him. His skin from the jaw down was a uniform, warm, dark brown, which was decidedly normal, but his face was… different. Not ugly, no, he looked average, if not perpetually awkward, even in his sleep. The right side of his face was a similar, if not slightly darker tone than the rest of his skin, but where it got weird weird was from the middle of his face and leftward, his face was pale. As pale as Techno, which is saying something because Techno himself has albinism; he has no melanin in his skin.

He found himself sympathizing for the kid again. Techno himself got bullied for his reddish eyes - a symptom of his albinism, and his naturally stark-white skin and hair. It got to the point that he dyed his hair pink, which decidedly made it worse because a guy dying his hair pink ? apparently high school treason to both students and the school rules. His bullies had a colourful range of insults, at least; Techno’s personal favourites being from after he died his hair: homophobic slurs. The teachers had constant complaints and even a couple suspensions, which didn’t stop Techno, obviously. What a wonder public school is.

So yes, Techno understood the baby bird, because despite Techno’s only weakness being himself (and apparently non-threatening freshmen?) as of now, it wasn’t like he came out of the womb a scary pink haired senior. He knew bullying like the hair dye aisle at his local department store.

He knew that helping the kid would make him more attached to the point of no return, but he’d accepted it. It felt like feeding a wild animal more food after making the mistake the first time, it’s not like it’ll get less annoying to have it following you around.

The moment Techno processed his own thought, his face blanched - somehow getting whiter despite literally being the textbook definition of a white boy.

He’d fallen into the ‘senior adopting a defenseless freshmen’ trap.

Shit.

Even more embarrassingly, this didn't deter Techno from pulling his first aid kit, for once his anxious over-packing doing some good.

acording to tumblr statistics, only a small percentage of people who like the post actually reblog it. so if you liked it, give it a reblog! it takes five seconds and you can always delete the reblog later.

#mcyt #mcyt fanfic #mcyt au #technoblade #ranboo #nihachu #dream smp #mcytblr #sleepyblr #philza #homophobia tw #bullying tw #violence tw #minecraft youtubers #baby bird au

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startledstars · 5 years ago

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You’re not immune to propaganda

(And neither was I)

All the characters above embody the self-righteous, hypocritical Christian stereotype. They’re bigoted, homophobic, lack self-awareness, and shove their beliefs down peoples’ throats.

This is what came to mind when I heard the word “Christian.” What still comes to mind, sometimes; protestors with angry red faces holding up signs that say “God hates gays” or “Abortion is murder.” Strangers, drunk on pride and spewing nonsense about how their God is the only one, and their way is the only way. Boomers, the under-educated, ignorant, and/or at the very best, spiritually immature. That’s more or less what I believed about so-called Christians.

You see these caricatures in mainstream media, and may even know people in real life with these qualities. Then, you hear the words “Jesus Christ,” and the only acceptable use for the word seems to be as a curse.

I’m not going to ask you to reconsider everything you know to be true. Instead, please just ask yourself “why.”

Christians are supposed to forsake pride, yet are constantly depicted as prideful.

Christians are supposed to love others, to the point where we’d be willing to lay down our lives for our enemies. Yet, the world paints us with the brush of red, senseless hatred.

Christians are commanded to show no partiality based on wealth, gender, or ethnicity. In fact, seating rich men in places of honor while holding the poor in low esteem is a serious sin. Yet many are stereotyped as classist right-wing conservatives.

Why?

Why does the media do this, when the true Christians I’ve encountered practically radiate love, peace and acceptance; when they can be recognized by their sincerity, generousity, good humor, and kindness?

Even before I got saved, when I was Hindu/agnostic I could feel something different about certain Christians; a few years ago I used to be a tutor and worked with many different families. Christian homes radiated a special type of peace. Their children were unusually confident, mature, and well-adjusted. Their parents were kind, understanding, and hospitable.

I saw the crosses in their houses and couldn’t help comparing their character to the stereotypes in the media.

Even back then, something felt off about the way Christians were portrayed. Even if you’re not a Christian, you will know Jesus’ true followers by their love.

And even if you don’t realize it, the negative stereotypes implanted by the mainstream media are skewing your perception. If you do not question your own biases, you may very well miss out on the most important thing in life.

The media doesn’t want you to be Christian because then, you’ll be content. You won’t be riddled with insecurities, prompted to spend money on things you don’t need, and motivated by the cares of this world. You will be difficult to control, and immune to their deceptions.

All your life, you’ve been led to believe that Christianity is conformity. Actually, being a Christian is the ultimate rebellion against the billionaires, the politicians, the corporations, and every other person or institution who serves the god of this world.

I once thought this verse was a little extreme, but the facts are too much to deny:

Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe.

It happened to me, until God opened my eyes to the truth. You are not immune to their propaganda, but you have the choice to open your eyes.

#propaganda #love #truth #jesus #do you guys know how INSIDIOUS this is #do you know what youre being deprived of when the media implants these perceptions into your mind #i lost 400 followers since last year (which tbh is a lot less than expected)#because of no one is immune to propaganda unless your eyes are opened to the truth

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cyanpeacock · 5 years ago

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Agh. It is morning. I am awake.

Don’t feel so hot. Lots of guilt and shame. Also fury. Trying to like... feel it without hating it and getting into that whole spiral.

I’m tired and struggling with like, reasons my body is worth caring for?

I feel kind of like... I’m ungrateful. Why would I cut all contact with a family that would accept me. They say they love me. They let me go to their houses. They’re alright... right?

But they didn’t fucking accept me.

OK this got long and furious under the cut wow. Apparently that’s why waking up was such a cunt this morning. Well. It’s out now.

They wanted me to be amazing in school, and got upset and/or angry and/or disappointed and/or guilty when I wasn’t achieving those kinds of grades. Punished for it. Means of social contact taken away from me, when I was already so fucking lonely. Constantly being fucking watched through a hole in the door. What the fuck kind of house just has holes in all the fucking doors? Why the fuck do you think that’s okay? Do you have any idea how much that fucked with my sense of privacy, how long I felt permanently observed for? Are you even aware how much your other kids hate it?

They wanted me to be a girl, and told me I was ‘just confused’ when I came out, got my name and pronouns wrong like they assumed it was going to pass in the next month, every fucking month. I wasn’t allowed boys’ clothes because “they wouldn’t fit me,” when being a “tomboy” was absolutely fine. Uh, I’m pretty sure ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ children do share dimensions? They’re both humans? I wasn’t even allowed to cut my fucking hair for years, because my mother wanted control over how my body wore my hair, and she wanted it long and blonde and pretty like the perfect working-housewife-to-be. She didn’t see me as a fucking man until after testosterone, and her eyes are still fucking looking for her “little girl.” Fuck off. She died ten thousand times living with you. She was one of those creepy dead-eyed dolls Sheila keeps on the landing in Killinghall. It drives me insane.

Okay this is pretty pointedly at my mother now so yeah.

“You’ll always be my baby” NO I fucking WON’T. Jesus fucking christ woman, I am not a baby any more. You might remember a tiny child and get all misty-eyed. I’m sure it’s reassuring to some adult children. How that feels to me? Oppressive. Like it’s a trap. All-consuming. Like if I go, and actually express and deal with all my rage, I’m going to destroy your world. Because that’s how it fucking worked at the beginning. If I expressed I was hurt, or angry, or upset, or hungry, or in need, I’d get fucking yelled at, I’d get yanked around, I’d get smacked. I’d get ignored. I’d get told I don’t deserve food. I’d get shut inside a lonely dark dirty disgusting fucking room and you’d pretend I didn’t exist.

You never saw how mental I went. You never saw me chewing the bedframes. You never saw me clawing at the walls. You never saw me picking the paint off the plaster, just the aftermath. You never saw me hurling my toys and books around in a rage, you just assumed I was ‘making a mess’. You never saw me beating my skull and body with my fists. You never saw me beating up Hank the teddy in complete rage then sobbing and apologizing to him like he was alive. You never saw me standing in the window crying wishing somebody, maybe the nice man Jeff down the road, would help me.

You never saw how I learned to imagine characters and stories so hard I began hallucinating them in my attempts to escape that ‘home.’ You never saw me wishing the ‘scary’ pedophiles in the white vans would come and take me away, because then maybe somebody would love my body for something different, and that I wouldn’t have to think so hard any more. You never saw me wish that mummy would just kill me so it would all be over. You never saw the help notes I wrote and tore up and posted outside, in the hopes somebody would put them together, and realize I was so scared of being caught asking for help that I destroyed my attempts to get it.

I’m fucking furious. Again and again you’d say bullshit like “imagine how I feel!” when you were the grown fucking adult in the dynamic. And I know-- Christopher comes into the equation, so does Sheila, who - man, that’s just, why would you still see that almost-murderer - I understand why, but holy fuck, I can’t watch myself start living like that - but this, right now, is about you and the child you did not protect, but transferred pain onto.

You got so fucking far inside my head I believed I was ungrateful, disgusting, a brat, just whining, that I had no reason to be so upset. That I should just buck up, and go to school, that I wasn’t doing good enough. I still don’t fucking feel good enough, because you’d go from essentially calling me worthless, to calling me a genius or a prodigy when I did something academically remarkable. It was the only way to convince you I had value.

So I learned to escape through school. I learned to just do the work, even though I still wanted to die right there. Easier to do an exam with an invisible gun to my head than to go home in the evenings, more fun, actually, because at least there was a chance of success in the exam. You didn’t see all the dark fucking nights I lived through considering suicide, wishing desperately that I could just kill myself, but feeling like my utter desperation to get away mattered less than your happiness. Awake all night trying to get away from the thoughts that told me to just stab myself, just go out in the cold, just rot away, because I felt responsible for holding the family together. And I also felt like I was the one destroying it.

I felt responsible for that, especially with how PISS fucking poorly you and David both handled that relationship. Neither of you are emotionally healthy people. You both used emotional manipulation on the children involved in attempts to achieve the same ends: harm the other party, gain power and control.

You know, I want to be a nice guy. I want to give happy happy endless love to the universe. Why do you think I was capable of moving in with a self-declared sadist, a man who’d shot men? Because I’d already lived with somebody who was wounding me every fucking day. In insidious, nasty little ways. That the David cunt only observed and copied. From you, Claire.

Your literal gibbering about “brainwashing!” and “mind control!!” - literally, what the fuck, woman. You’re not immune to propaganda either. You were literally making up your own. You two thought you were the entire fucking universe. He was the Right, you were the Left. It was the Tories and the Labour party, the Axis and the Allies, and the unwitting, dumb voters, with no experience in politics.

This is literally how you framed it to me.

That is literally how you two IDIOTS thought it was appropriate to navigate a breakup.

You know what? I’m done with it, again. You’re different to him in how you throw your shade, and that’s all. He’s alright, in moderation. You’re alright, in moderation. I could tolerate a serial killer, in moderation; I almost fucking was one, with how hurt I’d become, and how little trust in and respect for human beings I’d developed. All just meat to me. It’s all I’ll be in the end, anyway. It gave me a sense of power to stalk strangers at night, and observe their weak points, and consider how fucking easy it would be to get a rush that way.

And I can’t have these conversations with you, these furious fucking conversations, because I am conditioned to box up every bit of my rage when I even THINK of your face. You show up in my mind with your eyes all watery blue and bloodshot from drinking, and your lip and chin all tight like you’re going to cry, and it convinced - and still sometimes convinces me - “pack it in, you can’t destroy her like that, the world will fucking end, it’ll come back on you and your siblings. There will be punishment, there will be blood, and it’ll be yours, and you’ll be left all alone cleaning it up with no fucking support. The only eye that sees your blood will punish you for making a mess with it.”

Neither of you can see shit about what I really feel, unless you’re reading it here, like fucking omnipresent surveillant operatives of Big Brother, which I suspect at least one of you might actually be fucking doing.

Sure, things changed when I came back, still going through active trauma, desperate for something, some illusion of healthy family. Was that healthy? No. Was I actively going through unhealthy, traumatic times? Yes. We do unhealthy things in unhealthy times, and afterwards, while we process the feelings we went through but were numb to. It happens. I understand this, it’s why I kept making fucking excuses, why I thought ‘explanations’ of behaviour meant anything when you’d hurt somebody. It’s why I boxed up all this fucking rage. It’s why I thought my pain was meaningless compared to yours.

I’ll give this to you, you got nicer. You drink less. I appreciate it, for your other kids. They’re doing better than I was, but they’re still not well.

When did that change?

After your first fucking child ran away, because of the sheer amount of pain you were transferring onto them. Because of the toxic fucking environment of emotional manipulation and infantilization you’d continued to foster. Because it was easier to live with a racist opioid addict murderer for a while than to stay in that shithole city any longer. I had to force you to realize how fucking unhealthy that place was.

I’m not being kind right now, because I don’t know how to express all this fucking fury in a kind way. I don’t know how to soften the blow. Maybe there’s no fucking way, maybe that’s why I’m doing it on my blog. I still don’t believe you’re grown enough to handle this shit. You shut me down in every difficult conversation about feelings, and you don’t even mean to. Why do you think I cried on you so fucking much, but you could never fucking console me? Because you fucked up at the start. Because you didn’t establish a secure attachment between yourself and your child. Because you couldn’t provide for me.

I don’t blame you for being unable to provide for me. Circumstances align this way, often, and it’s inevitable.

I can’t go back in time and re-establish that attachment. There’s always this lingering fucking, waiting for the stab in the back. Waiting for trouble. Those moments where I go completely blank and convince myself it’s always been happy, it’s always been nice, I really am imagining things, I really do just overreact... there’s something wrong with me, why am I so ungrateful? Why can’t I feel joy here? Why is it always bittersweet?

It’s fucking me up. It really hurts me, every day. Every god damn day when I’m living with myself, and actually working on acknowledging and expressing what I really feel, in as healthy a way as I can muster. I still wake up thinking I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to smile today. I’ve ruined the world. I’ve fucked up so badly by making the decision not to speak to you again.

I have to stop doing that to myself.

I went psychotic from the amount of repressed trauma I’d been burying by smoking pot. My brain had to show me all that pain and instability I’d been avoiding, in the form of hallucinated symbols.

It was terrifying. It was also incredibly helpful. The doors of perception, as it were. Thanks for that one - I’m off making my own Brave New World, and it’s on the island, far away from the rest of them, with their neatly chemically controlled babies in fucking jars.

I needed to drug myself to function, for a while. I needed my meds to function. To do the only thing I’d ever been truly worth anything for, the only thing that was going to get me out and away. I’m coming to doubt that it was ever really my choice to be an academic. Between ability and unhealthy amounts of pressure, I was forced this way, like that fucking rhubarb you were growing.

So I suppose that’s why I woke up this morning and thought about staying in bed all day, hiding from the rest of the universe. I wanted to go back to sleep, so I didn’t have to feel how fucking angry and hurt I am. I can’t avoid feeling angry and hurt, now nothing’s actually hurting me in my daily life, now I’ve got people who respect my every word for what it is.

And I have to do this every day. Every fucking day, I’ve got to have these conversations with myself. Sometimes I write them. Sometimes I sing them. Sometimes I have to talk through them, slowly and haltingly, trying to understand why something apparently small hurts like something much bigger.

Why am I ‘doing this to myself’? So I don’t do it to anybody else. Not again. So I can come to a place where I feel worthy, and deserving, and like I can connect enough to my feelings and body to function without damaging myself even more.

All that fucking denial of my physical pain. All that denial there was anything medically wrong with me. It got inside me, man.

But - I have to accept my borderline. I have to accept that I have an intense emotional range, that causes me problems in meeting the societal standards of daily life, because I’ve been through an emotionally intense past.

I also have to accept that it’s not normal for this (almost) 22 year old body to click and crack and pop and grind and ache so much I have to literally limp around. My hips should not be audibly thunking when I go to sit down in an office chair to check my emails. My shoulders should not be sliding out of place steadily over the course of the day. I should never have gone so physically numb that I didn’t notice my binder warping my ribs.

I said I thought I had Ehlers-Danlos. You said I read too much, and that I was paranoid. Where am I now? Six years later, facing the possibility that that really is what’s wrong with my cartilage, the reason my skin is so soft, the reason my ribs bent so easily, the reason my vertebrae slide over each other audibly, the reason the only joints I have that don’t hurt are my elbows. And I’ve got to do it alone, because I can’t deal with looking right at your guilt every time I bring it up, because I know that you know now that this really isn’t normal, and you ignored it at a time so much damage could have been prevented.

I know why it went down that way. I do and don’t blame you. I just have to get angry, so I can fucking do something with my day that isn’t pure escapism, something constructive.

So now I’m wrapping this one up. I’m not fucking “packing it in” any more. I’ll wrap it up, at a time and place of my choosing, considering every body and mind my actions are affecting in the moment. Right now? This is for me.

#fliptext #trauma #abuse #neglect #suicide #addiction #murder #self harm #ask to tag #Good Morning #I Had To Get Mad So I Wouldn't Be Sad All Day #Things To Do U Kno #disability

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thecomicsnexus · 6 years ago

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CAMELOT 3000 (PART 3 OF 3) DECEMBER 1982 - APRIL 1985 BY MIKE W. BARR, BRIAN BOLLAND, BRUCE D. PATTERSON, DICK GIORDANO, TERRY AUSTIN AND TATJANA WOOD

SYNOPSIS (CHAPTERS 9 TO 12)

King Arthur tells Tom the story of the Holy Grail. It is supposed to perform miracles, for it was twice associated with Jesus Christ. First the holy communion, and then, in the moment of his Crucifixion, someone used to to collect his blood. Percival prays to get a hint of where it is and he finds out it was in Glastonbury Tor after all. To prevent Morgan from learning this secret, all of them start wearing a cloaking charm.

Morgan reveals to Jordan his role. She makes him remember his old life, a baby, being drown by King Arthur (Arthur thought a son of his would pose a threat to his throne). Jordan remembers he was Modred.

In New Camelot, Arthur divides the group, one will search for the Holy Grail and the other one will search for Merlin.

Percival finds the guardian of the Holy Grail and discovers that he has holy blood. With the grail in his hands, he saves Tom’s life, but then transfigures, leaving Lancelot as the guardian of the Grail. In just a few panels he loses the Grail to the enemy. Jordan, in possession of the Grail, starts giving Morgan orders.

Jordan makes an armor with the Grail embedded in it. He is now immune to everything. He starts killing all the world leaders.

Arthur and some knights travel to the tenth planet in a spaceship. Lancelot, Guinevere and Tom got to the nuclear plant to ask the lady in the lake (Elaine) to send them to the tenth planet. Everyone is on the tenth planet now.

On Earth, King Arthur is considered a traitor. The propaganda machine is blaming him for the murder of the world leaders. Isolde finds out that Jordan is allied to Morgan La Fey and sens a message to the spaceship. When Tom sees the message, he sees that Isolde sends her love to Tristan. He burns that part of the message. Arthur and the knights, led by the women, are sent to meet the queen of the alien race. They make an alliance to free them in exchange of soldiers.

Tristan once again has to deal with McAllister, this time she learns that only Morgan Le Fay’s magic can kill him, she uses the talisman against him (the one that is supposed to make her go back to being a man). Now with it destroyed, she wants to end her life, but Tom tries to convince her that being a woman cannot be “that bad”.

The knights use the ship as a battering ram. In the middle of the fight, Galahad sacrifices, blowing up the ship, to make an entrance to the castle. Arthur faces Jordan and Lancelot tells him that the holy armor is incompatible with Merlin (son of the devil), he then pushes Jordan into Merlin and this ends his life.

Morgan Le Fay tries one more attack. Merlin transports the rest home, while he takes care of Morgan. He detonates a neutron bomb, sacrificing himself to put an end to Morgan.

Back on Earth. Tristan and Isolde try to rekindle their love. Tristan starts learning how to love her in this form (and she finally seems happy).

Guinevere is pregnant (they do not know if it’s Arthur’s or Lancelot, both of them hope it’s Arthur’s).

Some time later, we see an alien escaping bad guys, he finds a sword in the stone and the cycle begins anew.

CONTEXT (FROM WIKIPEDIA)

Barr came up with the concept of Camelot 3000 in approximately 1975, having been inspired by a college course he took in Arthurian literature. He submitted the proposal to DC Comics several years later, only to have it rejected. He then submitted it to Marvel Comics, where it was accepted for serialized publication in one of their black-and-white magazines, but for unknown reasons the project did not get off the ground at this point. The Camelot 3000 concept was resubmitted to DC the following year, and this time was accepted. DC decided to run it as a maxi-series. Barr enlisted Dr. Sally Slocum, the teacher of the course which first inspired Camelot 3000, as a creative consultant for the series.

Camelot 3000 was British artist Bolland's first major work in the USA. At the time the logistics of transatlantic collaborations were difficult, and the series was created using the full script method in part because it was the easiest way for Barr and Bolland to work together while an ocean separated them. This was also the first time that Bolland's work was inked regularly by someone other than himself. Bolland was not comfortable with this and made his pencils very heavily detailed in order to leave the inker as little room for creative reinterpretation as possible. This, combined with Bolland's personal goal to top himself with each new issue, made it difficult for him to keep up with the series's monthly schedule, and the last several issues were late. Barr recounted that Bolland spent nine months drawing the final issue.

Barr originally had the role of Tom Prentice filled by a girl, but editor Len Wein strongly felt that the character should be a boy. Though the series's exploration of gender identity themes (and presumed homosexuality) was published without opposition from DC's editorial staff, Barr recalled that Camelot 3000 received a number of letters from children who were confused and/or upset by this content.

The series also briefly experimented with reproducing art directly from the pencils (i.e. without inking). However, printing techniques at the time were still relatively primitive, and Bolland found that creating pencil art which could be reproduced by the printers was more work than actually inking it. As such, only two pages (specifically, the first two pages of issue #2) were produced in this manner.

REVIEW

As you may have imagined, this story doesn’t take place in the DCU (there is, however, an Arthur, Morgan and Merlin in the DCU). I would have to say that this maxi-series was ground-breaking. Not only because it was part of the “British invasion”, it was the first of its kind and proved it was possible, and it also explored themes like gender identity. Some people have problems with it, and I can understand it (as Tristan ends up accepting her forced gender). But you also have to see that Tristan wasn’t a good man before. I think in the context of this story it’s ok. Also have in mind two things, it was 1982, and this man, as well as all the knights, belonged to the Middle Ages.

As an extension of the Arthurian legend, you just have to accept this is a sci-fi comic-book. But it has very interesting points of view. I think the moment Arthur is flying over England and finally gets to see it from space is a very powerful scene.

I think it’s a great story and YOU SHOULD READ IT. I think it would also work well as a movie, but I don’t think the world is ready for something like this. It would probably flop.

Bolland’s art is obviously the best of this series. I cannot imagine it being so important without him. Of course, the last issues took years to complete, let’s say I am happy to have all issues at my disposal now, but at the time it was probably very annoying for readers (kind of like how we feel waiting for the last issues of Doomsday Clock).

There are some things that are barely touched in the story. Arthur at some point killed a lot of babies... that’s not how a savior acts. These characters are not perfect, it is implied that there was a lot of raping and adultery in their previous lives (it’s a bit like Game of Thrones).

Sure, there are some things that don’t make sense. Like the ship getting to the tenth panel very fast because it travels at the speed of light (even at the speed of light it would take years to get there).

But the story keeps twisting and surprising you. I read this story for the first time five years ago, and I forgot almost everything... but Tristan’s story. I think that is the conflict that you will remember for the rest of your life.

I give this series a score of 10

#brian bolland #camelot 3000 #camelot #king arthur #holy grail #merlin #dc comics #comics #review #1982 #1983 #1984 #1985 #modern age #gender identity #transgender #lgbtqi

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