#but ive learned half the time the drawing will do Whatever It Wants

[h0dgep0dgee]

a calliope art? after This Frickin Long? its more likely than you think

[ceasarslegion]

so ive come to learn that some family members that i thought were smarter than that, ended up voting very stupidly, and then further learned that they are being brainwashed by right wing podcasts

ik you have studied cults, so im coming to you to ask if you knew any resources off the top of your head about deprogramming them and knocking some sense into their head without putting them on the defense and accidentally pushing them farther right?

The first thing I should lay out for you is that deprogramming someone from a cult or cult-like environment is long, arduous, unforgiving, and will take more out of you than you could ever give. It is not your responsibility nor does your value as a loved one hinge on deprogramming your relatives. That is something that not even trained professionals can achieve half the time. I attempted to deprogram someone years ago, and the relationship ended in her siding with her cult and claiming I had slandered god by asking her to consider other worldviews outside of her own. And that was with all the knowledge and education I had on the topic.

With that out of the way, if you really want to pursue this, I can't stop you. And I'm not encouraging anything either way because that's your personal decision to make. But I can tell you what I do know and how to approach these things so you don't fly blind if you decide to take it on:

-NEVER say words like "cult" or "extremist" to them. Nobody joins a cult, they join a group of like-minded individuals who make them feel like they have community and support in an area where they lacked those things before. There is a very real need they have that this group has filled for them, and using words like that around them is a surefire way to make them shut themselves off from you. From their perspective, they introduced you to their fiance, and you called them a hag. No matter how untrue that may be, that's how they experience it. Avoid any sort of cultish language when engaging with them directly.

-you need to find that need they were lacking that this group filled for them. I can't tell you what that is, because it's unique to every cult victim. But try looking into the common themes among victims who have left and been deprogrammed from the right wing manosphere to see if they apply to your relatives at all. And when you find what that need is, you need to provide them alternatives, but you can not force them to take them. Survivors of the group you are deprogramming someone from are a fantastic resource to draw from for whatever your case is: if something broke the facade for them, that same thing may break it for your relatives too. There's a great podcast out there called Was I in A Cult where two cult survivors interview other survivors and tell their stories through lighthearted gallows humor, and they recently ran an episode about a woman who escaped QAnon that might be a good resource for you on that.

-You need to meet them where they are. This is going to hurt a lot, you will take a lot of ego hits, and you will often have to act like you believe in things that go completely against your most basic morals. But they will not listen to you if you approach as the "them" in the "us vs them" mentality that is a cornerstone of every cult. Does the part of the manosphere they're in align with a religious cult that thinks they can save the "them"s, like Jehovah's Witnesses? If it does, you have an in by acting like a "them" who needs saving. Don't forget that victims still have all their empathy and humanity, its just been corrupted for the gain of the group.

-don't forget who they are inside. This is... very hard. It's very hard to remember that they aren't really like this, that their humanity has been hijacked by a charismatic leader or group.

-its going to take a long time. Like, a LONG time. Sometimes it takes years, you need to chip a little at a time. And it won't feel like you're doing anything until the break happens, if it does. It works a bit like stonecutting: you deal 1000 back-breaking blows to a giant boulder and the 1001st time breaks it clean in half. And even then, sometimes they just break on their own, for reasons utterly external to all the hard work you put in to achieve it.

-if the break happens, your work is not done. Cults completely rewire how their victims perceive the world around them and how they exist within it. That is not going to go away overnight. It will be painful and agonizing for everyone involved, but most of all for them. It's a bit like walking the world with alzheimers while everyone tells you you don't have it and never had it to begin with for a cult survivor. They are going to carry a lot of baggage with them after the break. A lot of survivors develop mental health disorders, eating disorders, and their suicide and self-harm rates go up after they leave the groups they used to be in. They need a very strong, unflinching, and radically non-judgmental support system that will be there to teach them how to walk again and won't abandon them when they do slip back into their old, safe mentality.

-its okay to grieve someone even when they aren't dead. Proximity grief among friends and family of cult victims is exceedingly common and only gets worse the deeper their loved ones fall down the pipelines they tripped into. There's lots of groups you can find, like QAnon Casualties, that exist as spaces to grieve the loved ones lost to cults.

Some books and resources i know that are good for starting this journey include the Freedom From Religion Foundation, the earlier work of the QAnon Anonymous Podcast group, the documentary Going Clear, the Fair Game podcast, the books Cultish, Trust the Plan, The Storm is Upon Us, Conspiratuality: How New Age Conspiracy Theories Became A Health Threat, Doppleganger: A Trip Into the Mirrorverse, Netflix's How to Become A Cult Leader is a pretty good bite-sized series that gets the gist of it right, the documentary Beyond the Curve, Owen Morgan's work on his experience as a JW, and honestly? Your relatives' cult's own literature and media. You will get a very good idea of what their belief system is built on if you see it for yourself. That means no reaction videos, no reviews, no articles ABOUT it, you have to just sit down and honest to god see it for yourself from the perspective of a vulnerable individual who needs to hear whatever they're saying to them.

I included a lot of QAnon resources on this because that's the group I am most familiar with that has a significant overlap with what it sounds like your relatives have fallen into. This is also by no means an exhaustive list, this is what I thought of off the top of my head while writing out this answer on the train after work.

[kroosluvr]

sorry i feel bad for ranting on """Main"" i guess though i kinda keep this more of apersonal blog than a very polished art blog thing. under the cut

things wld be easier if i was just an oc-centric artist (which i kinda am but only to myself in my head) but it Is how it is at this point (i want to draw my ocs more but they never turn out the way i want) and theres just so much i want to draw for the silly little media franchises that happen to capture my stupid little heart and etc.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh ifeel stupid for loving too much or whatever. i dont want to throw a pity party over this either because in the end its just "who cares LOVE WHAT U LOVE DRAW WHAT U WANT" right but in the moment i feel stupid and it sucks and i hate it actually!!!!!!! and i WILL in fact keep drawing hwat i want and what makes me happy but like idkidkdidkgkhw

sometimes i cant help thinking if i was a better artist.,, like more artistically skilled........ would people really say the things they do about the things i draw

^ (Authors note: no one has been mean about the stuff i draw just. side comments i guess lol. from my friends though and not random people . so its harder to just brush off i guess)

like maybe im just not good enough yet. which is fine. spite is actually a really good drawing proponent. but its also just like . when will it be enough to be worth it? will it be worth being my friend now if im a good artist? if i draw what you want? ...........................

its obviously not discounting the people who really enjoy my art style adn what i draw regardless (which im soooo so grateful for bc i never like expect anyone to stick around sicne my fixations change like the wind) but its like... these r the people i spend the most time with . and it sucks. i have to. second guess what i say and what i type and just. ok like i know its not that serious either but i hate it i really dont like it (<- im also just socially anxious if u cant tell)

and its also like i cant just extract myself from my friend group for a while to kinda cool off (read: muster the courage to be an idiot in front of them again) bc ummmmm um i dont have many friends . they are kind of all i got. (which is nice i like small circles(?) im not good at opening up to people.) and i do admire and like them very much but then i just feel like i get bit in the ass all the time (This past month) with shit like this i guess

and honestly like. well half the reason i keep switching fixations is BECAUSE of stuff like this where i feel self conscious of """"Being obsessed"""" over One thing so much so i just immediately switch tracks so fast but its just a cycle (Which i dont see as a bad thing tbh? it keeps my art moving and things fresh so like.)

And honestly i dont really try to . be too vocal about. fandom? stuff? when im with my friends? unless they bring it up first? i got burnt so many times with my vtuber interests so like lol ive Learned. but maybe it slips out too much? bruh. my bad i guess

i have to stop thinking abt this man.., why has this happened to me so many times this past month lol its kind of ridiculous

(Im sure they dont like. mean it. right? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if they actually meant it and want me to shut up then they should just actually say so right.,

i just want to draw . its not going to stop me from drawing but damn does it really like rain on my parade or put a dent in my fender or whatever other sayings that i cant think of right now

in the end i really REALLY appreciate frm the very very bottom of my heart everyone that even remotely likes/appreciates my art (especially the persona stuff nowadays bc thats what im mainly pouring all my mental and physical and emotional into) like i really really mean it. because this stuff like my silly comics and stuff is really stuff i make for purely my own heart and just what i want to see kinda. and so it just makes me feel really warm that people also want to see it and keep seeing it and love it and everything like that. and, with all this kind of negative stuff going on i just go back and reread tags and comments and stuff and i feel encouraged to keep going and draw more and everything like that. so like really, truly, thank you. i really never thought so many people would like the stuff i make. even if its not really artistically good, or really deeply interesting, im really happy it could be something special to people out there

[incognito-girl]

blurb inspo has arrived 🏃🏼‍♀️

ive been stuck with this one thing in my head and its alessia dating someone who’s still in college, and she comes home from training and could well use a cuddle but her gf needs to study so she’s just so whiny and tries to get her attention in many different ways

OK OK OK SO

before training she would send you a message wishing you luck in whatever you were going to study or do that day. and throughout the day you update her one whatever you have done and since she cant go on her phone while at training so she had like LOADS of messages to read. so before she drives home to you she reads AND responds to every. single. one.

when she gets home the first thing she does is look for you and you are sitting at the kitchen table hair tied back and pjamams on. you have your laptop and books infront of you. when she sees you like this her heart almost bursts. her feet move before she can think and she comes over and sits next to you. the only attention she gets from you is a quick kiss and hug and you ask about her say before you get working. she just sits there looking at you with a small pout taking over her face.

you usher her away to shower after, about five minutes once her hands begin to shamelessly wander. she just groans at you and goes upstairs begrudgingly. once she is done in the shower she comes downstairs with a hairbrush and bobbins asking you to put it in plaits as she knows you love to do her hair for her. but this one time you refuse saying you need to study as finals were coming up very soon. she sighs and ties her hair back herself in a simple ponytail to keep it out of her face.

after another half an hour of her asking you silly questions or just telling you random stories so she could have your attention she begins to make the both of you dinner. this was something she loved to do with you. most nights the pair of you would dance in the kitchen while you both (alessia) cooked. but tonight she was shot down with a quick mumble of “ive to study.” she rolled her eyes at this, desperate for your attention. she puts on relaxing music in the background to not distract you (even if she so badly wanted your attention on her she wouldn’t want to ruin your study time by distracting you with something that wasn’t herself). at one point in the duration of her cooking you get up to get a drink and her arms slip around your waist as she sways the both of you to the soft music in the backround. she smile up at her and press a kiss to her lips before making your way back over to the table.

when she is done cooking she serves it up to you. you say you will eat it while you study but she won’t let you do that even after you many protests so she PICKS YOU UP AND PLACES YOU ON THE COUNTER SO THE BOTH OF YOU CAN EAT TOGETHER. you both sit there talking and laughing- lessi is just happy to have your attention away from your books.

she expected you to be done studying after dinner now hoping that you would come and cuddle her but after you put your plate in the dishwasher you go back to the table. she makes a loud whine noise that makes you look at her slightly laughing. you ask her what’s wrong and she just goes “all ive wanted to do all day was cuddle you” AND SHE SAYS IT WITH HER BOTTOM LIP POUTING OUT AND HER EYEBROWS FURROWED. this would make you MELT seeing the girl so much taller than you be so soft. you jump out of your seat and into her arms. SHE PICKS YOU UP AND WRAPS YOUR LEGS AROUND HER WAIST. SHE THEN BRINGS YOU OVER TO THE COUCH AND LIES DOWN WITH YOU ON TOP OF HER. you sit up to straddle her and then she asks for you to tell her about whatever you were studying which you tell her with ease. she is just lying their thinking about how smart and perfect her girlfriend is. while drawing shapes onto your thighs.

OH MY GOD SHE ALSO FINDS YOU VIDEOS TO WATCH SO YOU CAN LEARN WHILE YOU CUDDLE HER.

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[emulation-0]

alright so the thing is when i was 9 or 10 or whatever i was still going to sunday school and i met this girl there and i thought she was so pretty and cool and we became super good friends even tho we were kinda bossy and rude but i mean we were kids so what does that matter. right.

so at some point i stopped going to sunday school and i thought i would never meet her again and i didnt remember her face or anything just that i knew she was pretty and her first name.

and then in my sophomore year of hs there was a girl in my class who had the same name and i was like wow.. i knew someone with that name once... but i didnt think anything about it. and when she took her mask off i thought her face was so familiar but i couldnt place just who she looked like and i kept getting frustrated about it. and i also thought she was really cool and nice and i wanted to be her friend but i didnt know how to approach her

but at some point i ended up learning she had an older brother (which my friend had) and i thought about her last name and it started seeming more possible to me that this classmate's last name was my friend's last name and they were the same person

so i asked her about it after pondering it for like. a year and a half and she was like yeah i went to sunday school yeah i have an older brother and i was like. !!!! its you!!!! ive been thinking about you and wondering about you for years!!! and you were my classmate this whole time!!! ive wanted to be friends with you for ages and it turns out you were my childhood friend!!! how crazy is that!!!

except she didnt remember a thing about me or about our time together. i held on to every little bit and piece, i remember the color of her hijab and the jokes she taught me and the doodles we drew and the way she liked to draw hair and the jacket she wore and the hiding places we hung out and how her brother was friends with mine and the conversations we had and the way we cheated on our arabic test but she didnt remember any of it. and of course its not personal or anything because she didnt remember a single thing about sunday school, it wasnt just me but it got me thinking like

even though they are the same person these are two different people that i knew. one was bossy and rude and silly and was my friend and one is mellower and nice and goofy and not my friend. and nothing can change that. nothing could bring back the her that was my friend, nor can i do anything to be her friend now because the her then and the her now are strangers

logically i know its nothing to be sad over because people grow and move on, and i cant forge a bond with her like when we were kids because friends come and go and many times there just comes a time where they have to leave our lives and we have to be okay with it because that is what is best for us in our life story. but its just so. idk how to describe it. but its a sad emotion. its just so [something] that these are two different people and no matter how much i knew her, knew about her, i couldnt bridge this gap even if i thought it was possible or i wanted to. it makes me sad

[endergirlplayz]

some of my fave drawings

some of my favorite drawings I've ever made, I felt a need to show you, it may be set from oldest to newwest . I don't know how Tumblr will load them in

Also as of right now I decided I need to write detailed descriptions of each of theese so imma ramble a bit, also TW FOR GORE FOR THE FIRST DRAWING!! BE AWARE

this is a pair of angst filled drawings. So the girl on the top is my gem oc royal purple saphrine (saphrines made by spookiemora) and saphrines eat saphires to steal there abilitys of future vision. So I have a human hybrid oc who's half saphire, and I wondered "what would happen if a saphrine tried to eat a hlsaphire human hybrid" and thus agst insued. The character with the gun on the bottom is Irene, who is the girlfriend of Sophie (the aforementioned saphire human hybrid). So yeah just some angst for angsts sake lol

Next one

I made this in Dec 2021( I think) it's a redraw of something I made in dec 2020. ( or something to that effect) here's the original

The character is my gem human hybrid oc black amber. I'm very fond of both but generally like the new one better

Next one

this is my magical girl oc Katy! I drew her around valentine's day last year and I wanted to draw here being the absolute beauty she is ! I'm still trying to learn how to draw bigger bodys but this was a pretty good attempt.

This is my oc fancy pink saphire, I just really like the background and the texture on this one man :3 it's really pretty

This is my oc Omega purple pearl, she is the pearl of Omega purple diamond, I like the sahding and lighting on her , I think it gives ot a different vibe than my other art.

This is two ocs I made based on songs. I picked one song for look and another for personality so I got theese (btw when I say picked I mean I was listening to my liked music and just letting whatever song came on next pick the vibes )

left is

Desighn based on :banana bread-cave town Personality based on: this is home -Cave town

Right is

Desighn -copy cat- crusher-pPersonality - hell fire -annapantsu

Thats right we got an extremely abusive relationship here folks (mm angst time >:3)

Alright next drawing

Alcoholic rabbit man, idk I think I made this after having an odd dream. I just really like the vibes on this one man idk

Ive shown this drawing b4, it's my pfp , cupid is my boy and I love him lots

This is my oc Brooke, I made this of her when I first desighned the character and it was one of the more complex early art projects I took on.

This is another more random one. Something about this drawing always stuck with me tho and now I wanna draw more like it

I drew this for holloween either 2021 or 2022, I don't remember anymore, time isn't real. Anyway it's was a project for school but I ended up not showing my art teacher bc he didn't want blood in the drawing, but I did so I just never showed it to him. Lol, this took me at least two hours but I don't recall how long specifically

So it turns out I have way more images than I do energy to write good posts so were stopping here for tonight. I'll get some rest and maybe be back to normal posts in a few days, I just need some. Rest rn

[askuemki]

omg yeah, she's such a neat character but Viktor and Jayce didn't get together??? mann... :(

They judge a book by it's cover, I can only assume.. Indeed!! Probably the most two male gazey gals I can think of (from what I know abt the series) is ada and dimitrescus.. but think the girls (me, I'm one of them) still love them anyways If I had to die, I'd at least wanna go out not so brutally.. or have it be where there's a safe residence like Tlou's Jackson Never watched world war z, but I did search it up.. hoping it isn't going to be like some horror thing if zombies happen From what ive heard from other knitters/crochey-ers(?) it's best to learn through making stuffed animals, those granny squares would be hard since its too monotonous usually it's like mid 80s (F?) here, but sometimes it can be 90 or above In that case I just stay inside if I can lol I have a pair of stockings w/ insulation and then one without Or could also get fishnets w/ holes in them? They aren't that hot for me Maybe it's body type? Im not exactly paper thin, but not over the average either.. (but my hands are SOMEHOW small asf) Or the dresses I get are somehow weirdly boxy or too big.. Either way, I don't wanna wear them in any scenario, it's fancy dress suits for me Sometimes the kids i see troll, and it can be annoying asf And probably happens too much for the game I usually play the most, where lots of people use "void" as a term to ignore em That sounds genius, think a few countries are lowering the value of US currency in their nations, so maybe I can convince people to start doing that.. somehow Noted, don't think I have the patience to train myself much... I have a cactus from walmart a year or two ago.. I'm convinced the little yellow flower on it is glued on Think I named him ricky No worries abt it!! if it's a way to get things out or I'm someone to be able to rant to about whatever, I'm glad I can be that kind of space for you ^^ I don't mean to downplay anything, but if you're bitter (like me) about things, could think of it as some kind of karma..? For example, I had to move a few times and didn't really hear the reasons until much later and it's like.. it's your fault?? In retrospective I'm glad I moved. Sure it was a sad thing to go from a childhood home to an old random ass town, but like I wouldn't have the memories I had now if i didn't Thinking your parents were the smartest, greatest people on earth to being really off people.. its a weird transition where I do appreciate them, but I want them to get their heads out of their damn asses for once instead of being so fucking closed minded?? the value of money was weird to me when I was younger, and even now here and there like i remember seeing gas prices at like 1 dollar and something nine and thought it was to pay for the entire thing of gas.. not just per gallon lol and i thought houses would cost thousands of dollars (To which is true now), not just half a thousand dollars depending on the place.. In the end I kinda see money value from like, things that i use enough?? if you get what I mean When I was little and had a fuck ton of toys I barely used.. and I feel bad bc that money could of been saved up for something more, yknow? I barely have memories of these things, so there's some anger in me of where the money could be saved for things I remember when I'm older + I think I was an Ipad kid before Ipad kids existed 😭 i was on that thing almost all the time or drawing... (bc I could never get the tv or consoles without my brother hogging it) It was more or so being a kid while at the age of a kid was weird?? But unlike now the problem was less known

@vivgst new thread <3 (I have the cut so it won't be a pain to scroll lol)

I've never watched Death Note, but I guess Ill just say L is my favorite since we share a name (technically) Honestly? my answer is simple w/ what animal Id be Almost ANY cat (not the flatfaced or folded ear ones though they can have some bad health issues :( ) Like if you're a domestic cat, you have the stuff to survive both in the wild, or in someone's house. You have super scenes of smell, night vision, claws, sharp teeth, AND probably enough smarts to not get eaten by dogs or smth. On the other hand with humans, at least 70% of the population would adore you, and maybe even take you in to pamper you. It would be very easy to get them to do your bidding since you'd be just some animal, and perhaps put above your caretaker's needs. Pets? Affection? Just act all adorable and stuff and they'll give it to you, cling on to them and they'll say they're your human now. On the other hand (or paw) there's the wild cats!! Still very cute. Still very cool. Now your defenses are upped by a ton, and people still find you cute. Though with how shitty environmental conditions are, and with the bigger cats slowly going to extinction :( , I may or may not just stick to domestic cats But hypothetically.. It would be neat to be either a snow leopard, tiger, or a jaguar. I love snow leopards for their big fluffy tails, and it would be cool to be able to roam through snow and stuff, but that seems to get a little boring from time to time. Love tigers for their stripes, I don't think they can roar..?? But that doesn't change anything. Think Tigers and Jaguars are both pretty efficient in survival, but I'd pick Jaguar just for their athletics and HUGE bite force (least from my 1st search). Or maybe, maybe not because there's an outfit/skin or two of Valeria's that are based on jaguars.. (or leopards, but ill go w/ jaguars) im obsessed w/ this woman man hdwhadwjadawnk OH ALSO ON THE TOPIC OF BIRDS??? AS FUN AS IT WOULD BE TO BE A MALE BIRD AND SHAKE YOUR COLORFUL BUM AROUND, THERE WAS A WHOLE ASS WAR W/ EMUS AND AUSTRALIA Honestly who wouldn't wanna be a relative of a dinosaur, but smaller and just as fucking scary Also for vacation.... I don't like going on vacation. I just like being in my sad little room, on the internet or drawing my ass off But, Id love to visit Japan and see their Ghibli Studio museum, it's so cool... Or even just go to a few hotels or smth here and there, I love their stellar technology, I love how everything is so cute or neat there, oh and I especially LOVE the social rules there, I'm a goody-two-shoes at heart and perfectly agree with being "nice"... Like yeah sure I may not like you or the opposite, but at least we can co-exist without biting our heads off (unlike the fucking us) and japan seems open to their culture being explored by others, so I'd totally love to (respectfully) participate in some traditions here and there OR I could visit Europe. Like not even a specific country? Just Europe. Cuz the US is like really fucking big, and a country like France is apparently as big as Texas. And it would be cool to take a week trip just exploring cultures and stuff (well everything except food, I'm a terrible picky eater ugh) Vacation in the US scares me tho, I'm fine where I'm at rn Maybe id be a little open to going to canada.. but bc of how they're treating the Palestine genoside rn maybe like later in life if they redeem themselves, but like the us? Fuck them too I think crocodiles r cute, but I wouldn't wanna go near one :3 Most of my relatives are either in the Philippines or Maryland, I barely know abt them now Never thought I'd be the one to be the gay cousin, ngl

[goatpaste]

sbr gio content mayhaps please i beg you

ok fair warning i got a lil too excited about the concept of a dinopants giorno, then thought too hard about it and spent WAY too much time on this <33

and its basically all half ass ideas and designs im still not set 100% on...

BUT!!

Diego and Hot Pants in my rewrite where they travel together after the ringo roadagain fight onwards, and pick up Lucy as a traveling companion/guardians from the infiltration arc onwards. live at the end of SBR. Both make it out with injuries and for Diego this meant he had to take an early retirement from competitive horse riding. Man still loves his horses and treats them like his own family, but will no longer be able to participate in the thrill of the race.

Once Diegos up to snuff again, with some help from Hot Pants and Lucy's connections to her grandfather Steel's assets, they were able to keep Diego alive. Diego lives with draw backs that keep him more limited than he used to be.

Hot Pants and Diego who have both grown to care for on another and the companionship they grew together on their trip, stay by each others side. HP accompanies Dio to England to find his estranged father and get a bit of insight into.. well whatever he thought he was looking for.

HP and Diego then settle down and with some years they have their first child who HP names Giorno, and Diego gives them the last name Giovanna after his late mother.

Giorno is a mischievous girl, and even with HP's stricter nature, she was a daddys girl. Absolutely spoiled rotten by Diego. She's a bit of a princess and acts like a know it all (and both annoyingly enough and creepy enough she's basically always right on the money). She tends to think of herself first but has a good heart, i picture her kinda a mixed balance on being like p5 Giorno and Trish. She has two younger siblings (who names are tbd but I'm picking them to be 6 and 8 years younger than Gio) and they were also spoiled but a lot better temperament than Gio was as she spent nearly 6 years the only kid in the house Diego focused his fatherly affection onto. However her siblings followed her around like ducklings. They simply adored her.

and in turn Dio loves her parents terribly and has been close to her aunt Lucy since she was young herself.

After the death of her father and the development of her stand, Giorno has left home and hasnt spoken to her mother Hot Pants in years now. Her father Diego ended up passing away after complications with his old injuries finally caught up with him, and not long after she fully found herself in possession of a full stand ability she could control. (Named Born to be, Album by Melanie. Might change at a later date,, ways also considering Moondog the artist or Jig Saw Puzzle also by Melanie for names...)

Im still debating the exact ability for B2B, but i do picture it being a healer/mender/fixer kind of ability, and Giorno often feels a heavy weight that if they had just developed their stand just a bit sooner, they could have helped their dad. Iv been picturing her having a mending ability that's a bit like nut king call but with sewing where she can sew things together with a tough thread that can be pulled apart with force, but im still debating this and if i want more added to this or something totally different,,, still playin around with B2B's concept

She found herself unable to stay home where he father no longer would be there waiting for her. Her mother still had her siblings and all her friends around, surly the daughter who had the ability to save Hot Pant's husband but didnt wouldn't be missed?

Now Giorno acts like a total con man, they hustle shady goods, play shifty pop up card games on the street, their kinda just a rotten no good slum of the street now. just waiting for some big thing to fall in her lap and sent her on a quirky weird adventure that'll change the very core of who she is as a person and learning that maybe the things that happened to you, even bad are the very things that change and grow you and make you who you are.

[obsidianpen]

You do know we would all love to read the tomarry Pokémon fiction, right? It sounds hilarious and brilliant!

Oh girl you don’t even know how complicated that storyline got in my head. I’ll ruin all of the spoilers for it now because I’m never gonna write it.

There would have been a whole arc throughout the story about the ‘legendary hallows’, aka the birds. They’d each correlate to a hallow from hp ish - articuno as the cloak, moltres as the stone, Zapdos as the elder wand. There is a legend that if you capture all three of them you’ll be, idk, the ultimate master. But ofc that’s just a legend because no one really owns a legendary bird; even when ‘caught’ they leave their ‘masters’ when the masters die or like, whenever they feel like it. Everyone knows that prof dumbledore (oak) briefly owned moltres for a time, before the fire bird amicably departed. And Harry’s dad, Harry later learns, briefly owned articuno. No one has seen or heard of Zapdos in decades.

so there’s a whole side story of Voldemorts company (is it still team rocket? Are they the death eaters? Sure yeah) and how they’re really a massive training organization cranking out great trainers to win all the tournaments out there and make all the money you can get from those. They’re trainers have gone as far as the elite four but no one has yet beat Tom riddle, leader of Pride team/house or whatever I’m calling that again. Snape and Bellatrix are two of those trainers and yes, they’re Jesse and James, and yes, they probably cross dress but the absolutely hate each other

Harry does make it to the elite four one day. He and Tom end in a never before seen draw, with the promise that Harry will be able to battle him next year and that Tom keeps his status as current champion. Oh, and later Harry wins part of the prize, which is the master ball (tho tom is not told this; in fact Cedric and the other champions say they think it’s shit he didn’t win and sneak it to him after the tournament is over. None of the like tom, the arrogant prick).

Anyway. Ive probably lost you by now. I swear this would all make a lot more sense if I spent millions s of words writing it properly. Er. Well. Eventually, after a thousand chapters, Harry would end up battling “Giovanni” (Voldemort), because in that year after trying to just be the best trainer ever he would learn about how corrupt that organization is (how they steal Pokémon and other shit too) and would decide he wants to take them down, and that’s more important than winning some fancy title. The moment before the V battle he would have had pika evolve (because we all have to grow up sometime and I always hated how no one ever really evolved in that show, literally or otherwise). Raichu would have beaten V’s Arbok or whatever he had (named Nagini ofc) and it would look for a moment like Harry wins, but then V starts laughing and blasts Harry’s Raichu (is it hedwig? Something else? Idk) with much more intense lightning than anyone has ever seen. Then ice. Then fire.

plot twist, turns out V has visited and found all of the legendary birds, but he never was interested in capturing them. He was only interested in gaining their power because (gasp) that’s right, Voldemort is a fucking Pokémon. Well half a Pokémon his mom was a ditto LMAO I swear this would be great not stupid hahahaha I hate myself, okay but really his mom was a sad ditto that managed to morph in a human look alike and charm a man who naturally freaked the fuck out when he learned what he’d had sex with and therefore baby half Pokémon Tom was abandoned and ditto mom died of grief. He was the only creature ever like it, and it explains who V, at least, can understand Pokémon.

so yeah that battle ends after Voldemort goes on a whole speech explaining this, admitting that he’s also tom riddle and he’s also whatever the fuck he wants to be because he’s the real master, and is clearly about to kill Harry and friends because no one can know all that, when Harry throws the master ball that V doesn’t know he has and… catches him. 🌈

[liriostigre]

hey! I wanted to ask what your favorite poetry books are? I have a few but I want to read new and interesting stuff, and I trust your taste :D

hiii ♡

tbh i only started reading poetry collections like,, last year. i'm subscribed to poetryfoundation's newsletter (poem of the day) so i usually just read random poems

anyway, i'm not sure my recs could be considered new (cause i'm gonna start with Mary Oliver ♡) but feel free to message me if you want to know the themes, style, feeling (vibes, if you will) or anything you want to know about these collections. for now, i'm linking my favorite poems in each collection, i hope this helps you choose! ♡

here you go:

Dream Work —Mary Oliver (“Wild Geese.” “Dogfish.”)

Red Bird —Mary Oliver (“Summer Morning.” “Love Sorrow.”)

Blue Horses —Mary Oliver (“To Be Human Is to Sing Your Own Song.” “Loneliness.” “Little Crazy Love Song.”)

The Wild Iris —Louise Glück (“Sunset.” “Retreating Light.”)

Haruko/Love Poems —June Jordan (“On a New Year’s Eve.” “Mendocino Memory.” “Toward a City That Sings.” *under the cut)

Extracting the Stone of Madness —Alejandra Pizarnik (“Primitive Eyes.” “Summer Goodbyes.” *under the cut)

Ariel —Sylvia Plath (“Tulips.” “The Rival.”)

Prelude to Bruise —Saeed Jones (“Postapocalyptic Heartbeat.” *under the cut)

Absolute Trust in the Goodness of the Earth —Alice Walker (“Coming Back from Seeing Your People.” *under the cut)

I Must Be Living Twice —Eileen Myles (“Edward the Confessor.” *under the cut)

Teaching My Mother How To Give Birth —Warsan Shire (“Conversations About Home (at the Deportation Centre.”)

The Black Unicorn —Audre Lorde (“Hanging Fire.” “Sister Outsider.”)

Bright Dead Things —Ada Limón (“The Riveter.” “Glow.”)

Night Sky With Exit Wounds —Ocean Vuong (“Thanksgiving 2006.” “Logophobia.”)

Postcolonial Love Poem —Natalie Diaz (“Manhattan Is a Lenape Word.”)

Crush —Richard Siken (“Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out.”)

Once —Alice Walker (“So We've Come at Last to Freud.”)

“Toward a City That Sings” by June Jordan

Into the topaz the crystalline signals of Manhattan the nightplane lowers my body scintillate with longing to lie positive beside the electric waters of your flesh and I will never tell you the meaning of this poem: Just say, ‘She wrote it and I recognize the reference.’ Please let it go at that. Although it is all the willingness you lend the world as when you picked it up the garbage scattering the cool formalities of Madison Avenue after midnight (where we walked for miles as though we knew the woods well enough to ignore the darkness) although it is all the willingness you lend the world that makes me want to clean up everything in sight (myself included)

for your possible discovery

“Primitive Eyes” by Alejandra Pizarnik

Where fear neither speaks in stories or poems, nor gives shape to terrors or triumphs.

My name, my pronoun — a grey void.

I’m familiar with the full range of fear. I know what it’s like to start singing and to set off slowly through the narrow mountain pass that leads back to the stranger in me, to my own emigrant.

I write to ward off fear and the clawing wind that lodges in my throat.

And in the morning, when you are afraid of finding yourself dead (of there being no more images): the silence of compression, the silence of existence itself. This is how the years fly by. This is how we lost that beautiful animal happiness.

“Summer Goodbyes” by Alejandra Pizarnik

The soft rumor of spreading weeds. The sound of things ruined by the wind. They come to me as if I were the heart of all that exists. I would like to be dead, and also to go inside another heart.

“Postapocalyptic Heartbeat” by Saeed Jones

I. Drugged, I dreamed you a plume of ash, great rush of wrecked air through the towns of my stupor. And when the ocean in your blood went toxic, I thought fire was what we needed: serrated light through the skin, grenade in the chest—pulled linchpin. I saw us breathing on the other side of after. But a blackout is not night; orange-bottled dreams are not sleep. II. I was a cross-legged boy in the third lifetime, empire of blocks in my lap while you walked through the door of your silence, hunting knife in one hand, flask in the other. I waited for you until I forgot to breathe, my want turning me colors only tongues of amaryllis could answer for. It owned me, that hunger, tendriled its way into my name for you. III. In a city made of rain each door, a silence; each lock, a mouth, I walked daily through the spit-slick streets, harbingers on my hands in henna: there will be no after Black-and-blue-garbed strangers, they called me Cassandra. (I had such a body then.) Umbrellas in hand, they listened while they unlistened. there will be no no. after

the world will end no.

you are the reason it no. ends

you no. IV. I didn’t exactly mean to survive myself. Half this life I’ve spent falling out of fourth-story windows. Pigeons for hair, wind for feet. Sometimes I sing “Stormy Weather” on the way down. Today, “Strange Fruit.” Each time, strangers find me drawing my own chalk outline on the sidewalk, cursing with a mouth full of iron, furious at my pulse. V. After ruin, after shards of glass like misplaced stars, after dredge, after the black bite of frost:        you are the after, you are the first hour in a life without clocks; the name of whatever falls from the clouds now is you (it is not rain), a song in a dead language, an unlit earth, a coast broken— how was I to know every word was your name?

“Coming Back from Seeing Your People” by Alice Walker

Coming back From seeing your people You were So wonderfully Full Of yourself.

But now You have supped With vampires They have fed Feasted On you.

They arise Bright-eyed Fit.

You alone have lost Not only Your sleep But also Your glow The luster of Affection Heart welcome Your people Sent home With you.

Beloved You must learn To walk alone To hold The precious Silence To bring home And keep the precious Little That is left Of yourself.

“Edward the Confessor” by Eileen Myles

I have a confession to make I wish there were some role in society I could fulfill I could be a confessor I have a confession to make I have this way when I step into the bakery on 2nd Ave. of wanting to be the only really nice person in the store so the harried sales woman with several toned hair will like me. I do this in all kinds of stores, coffee shops xerox shops, everywhere I go. And invariably I leave my keys, xeroxing, my coffee from the last place I am being so nice. I try so hard to make a great impression on these neutral strangers right down to the perfect warm smile I get entirely lost and stagger back out onto the street, bereft of something major. It’s really leaning too hard on the everyday. My mother was the kind of woman who dragging us into stores always seemed to charm the pants off the cashier. She was such a great person, so human though at home she was such a bitch, I mean really distant. I imitate her and I don’t do it well. She didn’t leave her wallet or us in a store. I’m just a pale imitation it is simply not my style to open the hearts of strangers to my true personhood. I hope you accept this tiny confession of what I am currently going through. And if you are experiencing something of a similar nature tell someone, not me, but tell someone. It’s the new human program to be in. It would be nice for at least these final moments if we could sigh with the relief of being in the same program with all the other humans whispering in school. I can’t quite locate the terror, but I am trying to be my mother or Edward the Confessor smiling down on you with up-praying hands. I am looking down at the tips of my boots as I step across the balcony of the church excited to be allowed to say these things. Outside my church is a relationship. On 11th street this guy and this woman are selling the woman so they can get more dope. All their things are there, rags and loaves of bread and make-up. And there was— this was incredible. Two men lying by the door of the church giving each other blow-jobs. They were sort of street guys, one black one white. I said hey you can’t do that here. They jumped up, one spit come out of his mouth. If you don’t get out of here I’ll call the cops. Don’t call the cops we’ll go, we’ll leave. That was a shock. That was more than I expected to see in a day. Something about seeing the guy spit come out of his mouth. He didn’t have to do that. I guess I scared him. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was scared too.

[mueritos]

how does one get noticed as an artist? I have multiple platforms for my art like DA, Tumblr, and Ko-Fi, but it feels like everything gets drowned out by the sheer multitude of better artists. which, ya know, is kinda sucky bc my comm slots have been collecting dust for a month (and never mind I'm in a rough financial spot). I'm told my stuff is good, but that's from my small niche of friends, so it just feels obligatory :/

Hmm. This is really difficult to answer considering every social media platform works differently. Algorithms are constantly changing, so it makes it even more difficult to catch on. Posting everyday gets you the most engagement, and even with hundreds or thousands of followers, only half of them will see your posts because you arent posting regularly. ill insert a readmore.

I cant tell you how this all works because I refuse to learn how it works. Ive always just posted whenever I wanted, posted whatever I wanted, and have been doing so for many years. But I have found several things that have gotten me noticed have contributed to my growth. Before that, a really great art youtuber, Kelsey Rodriguez, does a really good job at giving advice regarding growing on social media as an artist and how to the run the business and growth side while managing the art, so Id check those out.

having a larger project, like a comic.

having a comic, and it doesnt have to be a webtoon or published on a comic hosting site, not only forces you to improve in your art by constantly drawing and experimenting, it also gives you something to post regularly. Posting regularly is important, and even if its only once or twice a week, the crucial part is that its consistent. this is more likely to give your followers content to look at, but it can attract people who relate or enjoy your comic, and can help solidify an audience. Ive done two comics so far, and my first one allowed me to understand how to draw them, and my second one allowed me to understand how to have fun with them. Both times I continued to grow an audience who enjoyed not only the comic, but myself and my other art.

fanart (unfortunately)

fanart often gets more views than original art, which is unfortunate because lots of people have awesome ocs and original art that should be noticed. but people like having context and lore to whatever theyre seeing, and if its connected to something they already know, it can bring them more joy than to look at something theyre unfamiliar with. While i dont draw fanart as much as I used to, drawing it regularly (i used to do a lot of anime fanart back in hs), can help build you an audience of people who enjoy the same media as you! it can help boost you even more if you draw fanart for smaller bands, shows, books, etc, because tagging creators or staff who have worked on those media can sometimes get them to like and share the post as well!

other artist interaction

you need to build relationships with other artists. I have to admit this has been difficult with me, but if you have artist friends online who also have an audience, you can all work together to introduce your audience to each others' art. many of my mutuals have similar followers, and this is because we all hype each other up, share each others art, and tell people about each others art. sometimes all it takes is for one mutual to share your art for you to gain an influx of hundreds of followers.

Overall, I want to encourage you to continue drawing. Commissions are not the end all be all of your value; you need to build an audience, build experience, and build consistency before you come to that point where people will commission you. Its a difficult reality, screaming into the void, but once you realize youre not the only one, you start to build connections and community with other artists for support.

I wish u the best of luck!

[princeanxious]

Hi! Sorry to bother, but you're really good at art and I've liked your style for quite some time now and I wanted to ask, how many years did it take you to draw as good as you do? Like side profiles, hair, outfits full body in general? I've been trying for years and I still can't draw. (Probably half due to the fact that my school wouldn't let me in art classes and we never actually learned art in elementary. Just cutting, pasting, and coloring.)

Ngl ive been drawing since early elementary school. Ive been drawing so long i could scarecely tell you what hobbies i had before i even learned to hold a pencil that didnt include doodling or creating of some kind.

I drew while in class bc it gave me a task to do to make listening to the subject easier, i drew at lunch and at home, i always make sure to have a sketchbook on me so any spare 15 minutes that i have while not at home and want to spend it drawing can be quelled doing so easily. There is scarcely a task ive done more frequently than drawing that doesnt involve basic hygiene requirements. I am drawing and creating and planning on drawing at all hours of the day every day, all the time.

I honestly just. Have the internet to thank for exposing me to fandoms as early as it did. I was very much into sonic the hedgehog and mlp as a kid so i drew alot of that. It was really only late middle school early highschool that I finally picked up drawing people with any real want or skill to do so. And it was only mid highschool(aka around when I joined the sanders sides fandom and my reasons to draw humans consistantly and often skyrocketed) that i started to really form a consistent skill at it??

Theres alot of tutorials online, i even put together my own 'how to draw things' yt playlist from videos i'd had to draw to while in my animation classes in highschool bc they absolutely helped me hone in on alot of my weaknesses.

I always start with whats gonna give me the most trouble. Is it the pose? Is it the hand position? How are the body proportions? What clothes do I plan on drawing? Am i coloring it? How many people do i plan to draw for a piece?

Practice practice practice. Learn how anatomy works, roughly anyway. Enough to understand how to keep things proportionate to eachother. Once you have that as a tool to work with and start from, then you can more easily branch out into whatever style you want to make/try. The 'how to draw' playlist i made covers alotta those bases for you, if your interested. But. Yeah?

[animalinvestigator]

22 and 23 for the ask game??

clyde beat you to 23 but i can answer 22 ^O^

22. what inspires you?

THIS QUESTION IS FUN!!!!!! the main thing is really "my own life", which sounds kind of vain, but its a whole thing. Like a year and a half or 2 years ago or so i had this whole epiphany about the fact that i was trying to filter myself out of my art, or limit my own influence on my art, because i hated myself and my life, and it resulted in this feeling that i was just creating 1000 lifeless dead things for no reason; i was only able to get back a sense of joy and fulfillment by drawing by removing that filter and recognizing that my experiences + whatever thing im trying to portray = Art That Only I Can Make, which has been my ultimate goal since the beginning. so i try to unabashedly include as much of myself, my experiences and feelings, the things ive done, and the way i see the world into every drawing as possible. usualyl pretty much everything i make comes from a place like i see some sort of subject matter that interets me + i relate it back to my life = the thing through the filter of 'coda' becomes 'art.' so my main inspirations i guess are just, my life. subsections of that though are like..

the religion i was raised with inspires me a lot as like, a platonic ideal; the shallow, child's perception of catholicism, i spend a lot of time regurgitating the ideas i saw in catholic art as a kid ; i have always been deeply involved with computers and the internet, so deeply Online things really inspire me ; i am very inspired by artists who give "digital subjects" the amount of reverence commanded by artists who draw "real subjects", like, when people do classical oil paintings of computer desktops, take time to beautifully render drawings of heisei moe type anime characters, etc. Giving things that usually arent treated as Worthy of Being Made Into Art a lot of effort to make them into art inspires me a lot. i love working with the idiosyncracies of digital art, making drawings that were like OBVIOUSLY made in mspaint or obviously mangled by a computer, etc. i am really inspired by my own medium. other things i dont want to talkabout .as well.

beyond that watching my friends draw and learnign about what makes their artwork tick has been very inspiring for me and i love learning from the people around me.

i don't want to name specific names but lots of particular artists online inspire me. i spend a lot of time looking at other peoples art and trying to figure out what makes it feel special to me. The stories i watch read listen to and play are also probably the other biggest source of inspiration.

A lot of words to just say, "the normal things." but really the biggest inspiration i have is using art as a tool to exorcise parts of me and give them their own space to exist outside of my body, in the real world, and also just regular old classic synthesis of the things i look at and care about : )

sorry for the essay but i had fun typing it ^O^ id share like an "art style inspo" chart but since its mostly online artists i dont want to call anyone out LOL Thank you anonymous!!!! : )

[kaaytea]

hello! i love your blog so much and it brings me so much comfort..ive been having a really rough go at it the last few months and i was wondering if you could write how the daiya boys would react to learning their so deals with mental health problems? or what theyd be like helping them during a breakdown or something? thank you so much ♡♡♡

Daiya boys helping an s/o during a break down

A/n: Hello dear! I can't tell you how happy it makes me knowing you find comfort from this blog (that was my main goal when I started it!) I'm sorry to hear you've been having a rough time, I'm sending a bunch of love, hugs, and good vibes your way! I hope these little hcs bring you some comfort, thank you for requesting and enjoy ♥️

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Sawamura -> He's a bit familiar with these situations from his yips phase. Very quiet when comforting you, mostly out of fear that if he were his usual loud self it'd cause more harm than good. Handles you very gently and coaxes you into doing some breathing exercises with him to calm you down a bit. Afterwards he'll do whatever would make you most comfortable. Run you a bath? He's on it! Need some water? He's already in the kitchen! Just want to snuggle up with him? His arms are open and awaiting your hugs!

Furuya -> Very lost and worried the first time he sees you in this state. Unsure of what to do so he just follows his gut in that moment. Sits down besides you and rubs your back to let you know he's there, if you want him to hold you his arms are open in an instant. Afterwards he'd ask you if there were specific things you'd want him to do in the event that this happens again. Furuya wouldn't want to accidentally overstep your boundaries and make you feel worse so he compiles a little list of things you said would comfort you so he's prepared for next time.

Haruichi -> Haruichi would whisper encouraging words to you. He speaks in a very light, airy tone in hopes of calming you down a bit. If you're comfortable with it he pulls you to sit on his lap so you can hold on to each other; sometimes he even quietly hums songs his mom used to sing for him. Would rock you back and forth in his arms just praying that you know you're safe with him. Won't force you to talk but is always happy when you do so the both of you can work on finding healthy ways to diminish the frequency of your break downs.

Kanemaru -> Please he's sO worried. Kanemaru hates seeing you upset or in pain so he's doing anything to make you comfortable. Firmly Holds you to his chest and presses kisses to the side of your head. Quite literally won't leave your side the rest of the day.

Toujou -> Toujou does his best to make sure you're not feeling alone; he's wants you to know that he is present in the moment and is there to help in any way you need. He always finds a way to coax you into a conversation to distract you from the source of all your stress. If you don't want to talk he usually puts on some sort of background noise like rain water or a playlist of softer songs you enjoy.

Kuramochi -> Can tell right away when something is wrong and is on top of things the second he sees you start to tip over the edge. Mochi wouldn't want to overcrowd you and make you feel congested so he's sits across from you and draws little shapes on the palms of your hands. He tends to talk you through everything, reassuring you that you're safe and that he's here for you.

Miyuki -> So so so so gentle!! Yes he's normally emotionally detached and makes fun of you half the time, but if your hurting (whether it be mentally of physically) he won't leave your side until he's certain you're ok. Big believer in breathing techniques so he's always trying to get you to match your breathing with his. If you're ok with physical contact he usually pulls you into his side and let's you rest your head on his shoulder. Always listens to you if you want to talk about what's been getting you so worked up.

Kawakami -> Understands how torturous it seems when your own mind and body are against you. Has the gentlest smile on his face when he notices what's wrong. Of course it pains him to see you like this but it's not a feeling he focuses on. Instead, he puts all his energy into comforting you and your well-being. Would definitely make you both some tea and stick near you till you start to recover a bit. He's also really into aromatherapy (it's a method that works for him) so he has a lavender infused blanket ready if you want it. Very in touch with what comforts you. If you want him to talk to you so you have something to focus on, he will! If you need some form of physical comfort he's got a cozy spot on the couch perfect for snuggles!

Ryousuke -> Very calm and refuses to baby you (i.e. he's not gonna fluff it up and be all "Oh my poor baby! What's wrong, sweetheart?"🥺🥺) Lets you use his lap as a pillow and will run his finger through/over your hair. Not much for whispering sweet nothings but he will look you in the face and say something along the lines of: "I'm right here, ok? Just concentrate on calming down a bit." He's a wonderful listener if you ever want to talk about what's been going on, there's not a smidge of judgement on his end.

Tetsuya -> He's still very stoic on the outside but there's a noticable softness in his eyes. Does the thing where he runs his hands up and down your arms. Tetsu would most likely want to discuss everything. He might try to give you advice or little reminders to take time for yourself. He doesn't want you to think your facing everything alone, he wants you to feel comfortable sharing things with him. Would definitely be one of the rare times he gets a smidge sappy to let you know he loves you.

Jun -> Such a sweetheart! A bit hesitant the first time he sees you breaking down but immediately snaps into action. Scoops you up and brings you somewhere comfortable. Keeps telling you that you're ok and that nothing will hurt you. Presses a bunch of kisses to the top of your head and cheeks.

Chris -> Chris is naturally just a soft-spoken person so his demeanor doesn't change at all. His voice when he whispers is incredibly comforting to listen to; it's low and rumbly, man just exudes warmth. He won't belittle your stress or fears at all, he actively listens to you in hopes of finding some way to help. Gives really great hugs so if you're in need of affection you've literally won the jackpot with him.

Sanada -> Is somehow, even in this situation, able to keep the atmosphere generally calm. Would whisper sweet, reassuring words to you the entire time. Mans just wants you to feel valid, safe, and loved when with him. Another person who would let you sit on his lap or curl up to him on your own terms. Would offer you one of his hoodies if you wanted something you're able to curl up in. Sanada always tries to get you to smile or laugh once you've calmed down to lighten your mood a bit.

Raichi -> Similar to Furuya where he wouldn't really know what to do. Might be a bit shaken up because he hates not knowing how to help you. If you ask him for something (like some water or a hug) boy is ZOOMING to fullfil your request. Because he's not entirely sure what to do he just gently brings your hands up to cup his face and softly says: "(y/n)-chan, please don't be upset!" Might not be the most effective tactic but it's the first thing that popped into his mind. Would definitely offer to get you a snack after the whole ordeal. He might be a tiny bit clingy afterwards because he felt so useless :(

Mei -> Generally a childish person but Mei takes this very seriously; babes is not messing around when it comes to your health. Goes by your requests and will do anything you ask of him, not a single complaint leaves his mouth. You'll usually end up lying on his chest while he mindlessly traces shapes on your back. In this position you can listen to his heart beat which is surprisingly very soothing and steady. He tends to whisper about how much he loves you or about how important and special you are.

[wyn-n-tonic]

Golden, Like Daylight -- Part IX

Word Count: 3,087 Warnings: PTSD. Children. Fluff. Angst. Emotions. Dialogue heavy bullshit. Author's Note: Welp... this is it, y'all. I posted the first chapter of this on March 4, 2021, and it's coming to a close today on April 5, 2021, and I'm... a goddamn mess. I'm not ready to let these characters go, both the TF boys and my own character in Leah. I really appreciate all your kindness and encouragement throughout writing this, my whole heart belongs to you. Thank you, I hope you love this as much as I love you.

MASTERLIST | PART: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX

Her room is painted like a sunrise. He remembers the first time he went up there, like it was the first breath he ever took. All rising pinks and melting blues.

He wanted her to feel that freedom from the beginning.

Leah’s hands climb his back, a kiss pressed to the hot skin between his shoulder blades as he dips to pluck his peaceful little girl out of slumber.

“Baby, let her sleep.”

But he’s shaking his head, careful with hers in his hand, “she can sleep later, I need her with me now.”

“Hmm,” she hums, turning him to guide him back to their bedroom, “keep that enthusiasm.”  

Their shuffle is quiet, Luna’s big eyes slipping back to sleep nestled into her fathers shoulder.

He’s been home for over half a year and as he crawls back into bed, baby and wife clinging to him, part of him still can’t believe it. That after everything he told her, she let him stay. That, like tonight, she’s soothed the new nightmares like the old. That he celebrated Christmas with them, Luna’s first.

That he watched her lift herself up and take her first steps. That after all he had done, those first steps were towards him.

That he helped blow out the candles that he helped light, on the cake he helped make for the little girl who has her daddy’s eyes. His dimple. His smile.

One hand splayed across each of their backs, he’s talking to Leah but directing it at Luna when her bright brown eyes open again to find his.

“Hi, baby,” he whispers, Leah’s soft hand falling on his under her small back, “I’m sorry that mama and papa woke you up.”

She reaches a tiny hand up to his face and he melts into the small touch of her, his heart swelling at the unbelievable luck he has in chances granted again and again when a little, “papa,” tumbles forward in the softly lit room.

He feels Leah jump and his eyes snap to hers before they both fall back to Luna, just over one year.

“She just sa—“

“Say it again, baby,” Leah coos, tears spilling over Frankie’s eyes.

She doesn’t understand but as she grabs for him, the small voice repeats, “papa,” and he didn’t know his heart could feel so full despite all the compounding moments of fullness she’s brought to him. That they both have.

He bites his lip while looking into Leah’s glassy eyes and knows that her heart is just as swollen in this moment and all the others.

“The next one’s first word will be mama,” his hand finds the small swell of her lower belly, “I promise.” —————

She presses a coffee cup into his hand before taking a seat across from him on the living room floor, baby toys and blankets strewn across the space between them.

“What happened?”  

He takes a deep breath, finding the words he spoke out loud to his team in Lorea’s mansion, “A serious fuck up.”

“I figured that much, Francisco, but what happened?”

So he tells her and she lets him.

He tells her about the seventeen grand of Santi’s own money. How he promised himself no live fire and let himself and his desperation to give her and Luna and himself the best lead him into shattering his soul again. Ripping it up as life drained from the eyes of his fellow human beings and how he didn’t even have the protection of a flag on his shoulder to ease a semblance of that pain. How even if they were bad guys, they weren’t his bad guys to worry about.

He tells her about the helicopter crash, the result of his own greed for the money and for a lack of conflict led to more loss and conflict. How he doesn’t know if he’s the one who fired first on that village but he knows he fired, an automatic weapon slung across his shoulders as easily as the diaper bag he carries through the grocery store for her.

He tells her about the crumbling mountainside, how all he saw at the bottom looking down was himself never coming home to his girls. How that’s when something within him finally snapped, when he and Will silently decided to take the reigns from Tom and Santi’s hands.

He tells her about the fire, burning hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep warm in the freezing air that wrapped around the Andes. About the gunfire that followed them through the rocks in the morning sun.

About standing over Tom’s dead body, the relief and guilt crashing inside him like a warm front meeting a cold one. How he thinks he’ll feel those both every day that he wakes because, unlike the survivor’s guilt easing through you on active duty at the knowledge that this just happens sometimes, this time was different.

He tells her that, after all of that, he threw millions of dollars down a snowy ravine in the middle of Peru where no one would ever see it again, not even his girls who needed it so much because he realized it wouldn’t be fucking worth it for them to have it if it meant not coming home.

He tells her how he almost shot that kid in the jungle. How he would’ve shot every kid standing between him and the boat to get home to his own.

He tells her that he thinks, at the end of it all, Santiago and his plan ended up doing more damage to that country than not.

She listens intently, focused wholly on him. Her face never breaks but he can see the cogs turning behind her eyes, trying to take it all in. Trying to understand.

“I understand if you want me to leave, if you never want to see me again,” he reaches out for her hand, a shiver of shock running through his spine when she doesn’t pull away from him.

Blinking as the words catch up with her, her head shakes, “I just got you back, Francisco, you promised me you wouldn’t leave again so why the fuck do you think I want you to go now?”

“Because what I did is unforgiv—“

“It’s not, there are terrible men in this world who do worse everyday,” he sees the slight sheen of tears coat her lashes, “and you helped stop one of them.”

“There will be others to take his place,” he says around a sip of his drink, his coffee gone cold in the spaces between all his words.

Her hand gives a squeeze to the one it holds, “there will always be others to take his place.”

His breathing evens out, anchored in his chest by a warmth he doesn’t deserve, “there's something else you need to know.”

He tells her about the five million dollars they were able to make it to the boat with, “we signed it all over to Molly and the girls. Will and Benny and I, we decided to do so while Santi was sleeping. We figured, ya know, at least we were coming home. It wasn’t really money we were losing since it was never ours to begin with, Tom’s family lost everything and they didn’t even know it.”

The tears do come now, streams running down his face, “I couldn’t stop thinking about how close you came to losing everything and not even knowing it too.”

His stunted words around the hiccups in his throat draw Luna’s attention, her babbles reaching out to him the way she tried to soothe Leah’s over the weeks prior. Their attention is on her now, eyes wide as she lifts herself with the couch for leverage.

She toddles one step towards his still shaking body before tumbling forward, his hands dropping the now empty coffee cup and Leah’s hand to catch her.

He pulls her small body close, hiding his face in the crook of her neck to inhale the scent of baby lotion. As she giggles in his ear, he looks up to Leah’s soft face, “the boys and I still took three hundred thousand.” —————

“You're fucking insane,” Deana doesn’t quite whisper into Leah’s ear, “a whole ass baby with another one barely even a year old, have you heard of a condom?”

“How many mimosas did you have already, D?”

Kristyn struggles with her key in the door, a large bag in hand, “judging by the slight slur, I’m going with about three so far.”

“Fuck off, K,” she points, turning back to Leah, “I'm just saying that if that big goofy idiot husband of yours goes on another of his boy’s trips, I will kill him this time.”

Her fingers are still quoting around the air as the threat falls around them, Frankie’s attention at the other end of the room grabbed away from the pureed carrots of Luna’s lunch.

“Well,” Kristyn interjects, holding the bag forward, “that’s why I come bearing the gift of one Benjamin Miller, he couldn’t be here because of a boy’s trip.”

“What do you mean?”

Leah looks back at Frankie, his eyes now turned to the conversation. She sees the pain and confusion there, he didn’t know.

Kristyn follows Leah’s gaze before looking back at the older sister in front of her, “he promised me this was his last one and he’s sorry it had to take place during your baby shower but,“ she holds the bag out again, “he says you’ll like this one.”

“It's not a shower,” Leah rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kristyn interjects, “a sprinkle. Whatever.”

“It’s not even that since, ya know,” she looks down at the tiny bundle in her arms, “he's already here.”

“A birthday present then,” she beams, “Benny says he’ll set it up when he gets home.”

Frankie’s laughter finds them now, choking around the baby food he’s trying to convince his stubborn daughter of—she’s not and she’s learned how to voice that disgust with all thanks given to her Uncle Benny.

“Baby, it’s another military surveillance camera.”

Kristyn laughs, “yeah, our whole house is strung up with them at this point but they come in handy to watch the neighbors since I’m nosy.”

“When did they leave?” His voice is small, a slight worry behind it.

Kristyn lets out a breath, “about four hours ago, he made me promise not to tell you until he was gone.”

He just nods his head, a silent clock beginning to tick in his brain. —————

It’s been two weeks since he heard from Ben or Will.

The boys have been here day in and day out since they came home last year, always were before that and even more so now that all they truly had was each other and the families they were making with and around each other.

Benny ran through Kristyn’s apartment complex screaming her name so loud as he started to bang on her door that he was met with a baseball bat. Now that idiot was going to be his brother because the sight she was met with was one of Benjamin Miller on his knees with a ring in his hands.

They gave them space with the baby’s arrival, small and short visits until Leah felt ready to have them all over again. He spoke to them that morning as he shaved the night’s stubble away, they talked like they were coming by and how they couldn’t get enough of their new nephew. How they were getting him the best present.

Frankie runs his forefinger and thumb along his mustache now, the compromise of facial hair he settled on. He didn’t want his full and sparse beard but he also felt lighter at the way Leah laughed into him with every brush of his lips.

He’s pacing the living room, bouncing the baby as Leah and Luna nap upstairs. There's only silence and the soft gurgling of a newborn when the quiet knock comes.

Already close to the entryway, he closes the distance and whispers a silent prayer to himself. A prayer that this isn’t bad news. That this is Will or Benny, not using their keys out of courtesy to the newness of little life inside his home.

He opens the door and is met with the tired eyes of Santiago Garcia.

“Hey, Frank,” he says. All bravado of his being seeped from him and replaced with, what sounds like, apology.

He adjusts his son in his hold, ushering the shorter man in so the warmth of the house doesn’t keep seeping out, “I thought you were in Australia.”

“Yeah, well,” he turns to face Frankie again as the door closes, “I make some really shit decisions sometimes.”

Frankie scoffs, half a laugh hidden in the sound. He’s not wrong but he’s not exactly right either.

“Can I get you something to drink?” He’s walked through to the kitchen, the shorter man falling in pace beside him, “we’re a dry household right now with the baby and my therapy bu—“

“Nah, Fis-Frank,” he stutters, “just came to talk to you. And Leah. She around?”

“She’s resting but I can pass along a message if I like it.”

Santi reaches into the leather folder he always carries around and produces a booklet, the one from the lawyer in St. John’s.

But different, a different cover and date, a different name stamped across the front.

“The boys sent me to give you this alone, said we needed to talk about a few more things than just this. Said I needed to apologize to you and to your wife, that I owed you that for so much but especially roping you into that shit last year.”

“Water under the bridge,” Frankie replies softly, changing direction to move through to the living room, “I gave up on an apology a long time ago and Leah never expected one, but nobody’s mad at you.”

Frankie carries the bassinet into sight from the kitchen before walking back, “what is this, Pope?”

“It’s your cut, we went back.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re stupid and greedy and we fucked ourselves up getting it in the first place so we figured we’d go back and we figured we fucking owed you.”

Frankie squints at the shorter man, searching his eyes for the hint of a joke he’s not laughing at. There is none. His cold brown stare is dead serious.

“This is my apology to you, Fran—“

“Frankie,” Leah’s voice filters into the room, he can hear her sleepy shuffle as she pads across the carpet now, “did you feed Santiago while I was asleep or should I?”

“I fed him, baby,” he calls over his shoulder.

He looks back at the man who helped shape his life, tears welling in his eyes, and hears Leah talking about ordering Chinese for dinner as she crosses the threshold but he doesn’t hear her. He can’t hear anything over the squeeze around his midsection, Santi’s quiet strength taking all of his air and senses.

He lets go as quickly as he grabbed him, Leah’s presence heavy in the room now and he crosses the room to gather her in his arms, a kiss pressed to each cheek and then her hair. He’s careful not to hug as hard as he had Frankie, conscious of her still healing body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers between them, “for everything I’ve done and everything I wasn’t around for.”

She’s trying to catch her breath, trying not to cry herself, “it's oka—“

“I should’ve been here for you guys.”

Her small hand comes up to pat the curls, a little more gray than a year ago, “you are now.”

He pulls away from her, a hitch in his voice as he says, “can I hold him?”

“Yeah,” she nods, “but you gotta wash your face and hands, no tears or snot on my baby.”

He mumbles to himself about how that makes sense as he moves to the sink, fumbling over the soap in the holder as he shakes with nerves.

She makes her way across the kitchen, wrapping her still sleepy being around that of her wide awake husband. The low lying winter sun is filtering through the windows, bathing everything in soft, warm light.

She sees the golden cover of the booklet on the counter and taps it, “what's this?”

Daylight Family Trust is stamped across in big bold words.

“That was the boy’s trip,” he whispers, “that’s our cut.”

He watches her as she slowly reaches for the document, the one that explains how this all works and looks between the men.

“How much?”

Santi rips a paper towel from the roll, “about thirty-five million.”

Frankie holds her as her knees start to give out but she’s still looking at Santi, she’s still looking for the joke he never made.

“Daylight's your call sign, you know,” he says cooly, “all the wives get one too, did he ever tell you?”

She shakes her head, looking at her husband now and thinking of all the times that very word fell from his lips.

“On our last real deployment,” Pope continues, “he was flying as the sun was setting and the sky was pure gold over the desert—“

Frankie’s eyes never leave hers, arms tight around her now.

“—he said it reminded him of the way the gold flakes in your eyes reflect the sunlight back at him, he called you Daylight until he got home and shed the callsigns altogether.”

“Frankie?”

He presses his lips into her forehead, his hand a heavy weight on her lower back that says, I’m right here.

“Your daughter has the same golden flakes in her eyes, like you, Daylight.”

Frankie runs his thumb along the swell of her cheek, "all I wanted to do last year was get home to you both, all I wanted was to make it right and see that reflection of light back at me through you both again.”

He leans down to softly press his lips to hers before nuzzling his nose into her hair, “our son has them too, the same gold in his eyes, it was the first thing I said to Ben when I walked out of the delivery room.”

"It was the first thing they said to me," Santiago says, "when they got off the plane." 

“Like me?” Her voice is soft, the heaviness of sleep still clinging to her limbs.

“Mmhmm,” Frankie hums, “like Daylight.”

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