#but ive gotten myself too excited and was wrong about this stuff in the past and didnt want to say anything

[cheerfullycatholic]

DIXIE IS HAVING HER BABIES!!!!!

[mysteriawrites]

🌸[matchup trade arrived!]

Fandom: I’d like a romantic matchup Nijisanji EN please!

My name is Jaxrel but I also go by Himawari, Rin, Eden or Luke too! I’m Transgender (FTM), Aromatic, Polyamory, Unlabled, & Bisexual, I’ve been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Schizophrenia, BPD & OCD, im wasian (eastern european & west-southeast asian), polish, arab/middle eastern, flipino, scottish & russian.

personality traits (and notes): extroverted, at first awkward, shy and distant when meeting people, extremely independent, when comfortable I talk about a lot of stuff for hours, loud talker, emotions come off as sarcastic or silly (due to autism), confident, straightforward (I have a urge to correct someone of faulty information), uses “big” words, good sense of humor, playful, entertaining, optimistic, mischievous, curious(I’m nosy and I love gossip), i can be a rule breaker(sometimes I don’t mean to), dad/tharapist friend, when I go out I bring water bottles, first aid kit, chapstick(s) just in case, chill but some people would say I have some “repressed anger issues”, I get a realllyyy overractive Brain, I tend to get deep and philosophical when I’m left on my own for to long, I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked, im on the more severe of of the Autism Spectrum so I would like someone to acknowledge that and I also stim when I’m to overwhelmed when there’s a crowded place, to much lighting, etc.

things I love about myself: when someone is going through anything or needs help with anything they will call me before anyone else, i have an ugly laugh so guaranteed if i laugh someone else will as well, how much i love animals if i see a stray around my house i will adopt it immediately, if i see a stranger crying in public my eyes will not leave them alone until i get the courage to walk up to them and ask whats wrong, i am very confrontational i will always stand up for whats right no matter how scary the situation may be, how greedy i am for money but when i love someone i will spend the world on them, how excited i get for little things like when someone buys me redbull, monster, cherry pepsi or chocolate pretzels/strawberries my day cant be ruined, how in touch i am with being grateful if someone helps me in anyway or does something in general to benefit me i will never forget it, dont take people for granted, ive been told anytime someone hangs out with me that being with me feels safe and peaceful, I pay attention to the little things, how even though i dont care about plushies i have been given some and i make sure to kiss them all goodnight in case they are actually real and see what happens, if i know someone is having a hard mental health day i will clean for them/ get them icecream and be patient till they are ready to talk about it, without fail a quiet person will always be loud with me, i am the type of person who just wants people i love to be happy even if its not with me, i will always choose them i dont say i love you until i mean it i will celebrate the people i love, i am very observant if i see that someone wants something i will get it for them no matter what, i will make it my mission to compliment a stranger that looks like they are having a hard time so their day is a little better, how i say i hate kids but i will protect them with my life and im so gentle with them, I am not ashamed of what i love like anime for example even though when I was teased for it when I was little i never once hid that i loved it, even if i dont like a song that someone shows me i will be hyper while listening to it so they dont feel small and embarrassed around me, how soft i become when someone holds my hand, even though hugging makes me uncomfortable i will push past that boundary and hug someone with all my heart if they needed it, i love how hardworking i am, whether its how much i love actually working or just getting out of bed knowing how hard my mind is fighting i love how i have gotten up everyday for the past 12 years despite how challenging it is to, i am an emotional person but i will always cry for a sad scene in a movie, if i love you, you'll be seen.

hobbies: anime/manga, gaming, anthropology, pathology, zoology, music (I’m a vocaloid producer, i rap like MILLI, i make odecore/breakcore/scenecore music and I make similar music like ATARASHII GAKKO, BABYMETAL, YOASOBI & Ado too), dancing, filmmaking, art (drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning different instruments/languages, cosplaying, skateboarding, tabletop RPG’s, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, science/history, soccer(football)/volleyball/basketball and swim, cooking/baking, art is definitely my main hobby I dedicate a lot of time to it

likes: vocaloid/utau, k-pop/j-pop, V系, watching documentaries/youtube, decorating my room, iced coffee, boba tea, bread, sharks, cats, cold weather, christmas, musicals, cleaning, rhythm games, being with my friends, shopping, partys, mint candles, sweet and spicy food, any asian food (japanese, korean, chinese, taiwanese, etc), social media, the mandela catalog, your boyfriend (game), roblox(game), otome games and more!

dislikes: spiders, bitter foods, strong scents, pessimism, hot weather, feeling restricted, over-possessiveness, conformity, having to be responsible for others, when people don't stand up for themselves (i tend to look down on/clash with people who are overly insecure), overly anxious people, people-pleasers, when people act condescending towards me

these are some of my top kins!!:  hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld), eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), shu itsuki (enstars),miyamura izumi (horimiya), micheal afton (FNAF), lolbit (FNAF), mangle (FNAF), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), urumi akamaki (alice in borderland), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), geto suguru (jujustu kaisen), kento nanami (jujustu kaisen), minami kotobuki (oshi no ko), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), blade (honkai star rail), hua cheng (TGCF), ame-chan (needy streamer overdose), k-angel (needy streamer overdose) and more....!

I'm a ENTP, 4w3 and a Aquarius ♒️

misc: I live in a mixed language house hold where I speak mostly polish and Arabic, and some Korean and Japanese, it world be nice if the person who I get can react to that lol, i know 6 languages (Japanese, Korean, Spanish, Arabic, Polish & French), clumsy; accidentally misuses slang or phrases bc i can never remember how they go (e.g. "bust this popsicle stand" instead of “blow this popsicle stand"); prone to be a bit directionless in life, tries to find comfort and humor in hard times, tries not to take life to seriously, i love dancing a lot, I do a lot of dancing like tiktok (idk I’m so sorry😭) dancing, belly dancing, dabke dancing and more.

appearance /aesthetic: 5'6 / 167.64 cm, midsize, rectangular body shape, i have a masculine and feminine face (somehow), dimple on chin, hazel eyes, wears glasses, dyed black boy hair, lots of piercings, no tattoos(I need some), for style, i wear a lot such as goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth, and victorian goth), gyaru (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome, and kigurumi), scenemo/emo, & vkei ouji and lolita, i wear streetwear clothes mostly at home/school/work, i basically wear casual clothes too but can also pull off a kpop idol look, i also wear a lot of cool dresses and suits, i wear fishnets and combat boats/converse, but I also wear Y2K and I also dress in alternative clothing a LOT, I wear a lot of other harajuku styles such as kimono style, jirai kei, decora, mori kei, cult party kei, i enjoy wearing traditional asian dresses as well! but the highlighted ones are the ones I wear mostly.

Thank you so much! Have a good day (:

Hihi again thx for doin another trade with me. Today your match will be…DRUMROLL!!!

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

FULGUR OVID!!!

I think you and Fulgur match so well. You’re both the dads of the group because of your caring natures even if you go about it in different ways. He’s patient with you and all your flaws and you make him feel relaxed enough to let out his more nerdy side. You also keep him from bottling up his pain and emotions to himself.

You and Fulgur met when you were taking a trip to his bookstore. You wanted to take a look at the newest (insert ttrpg) books for your upcoming campaign. You we’re having a hard time finding any so you decided to go up and ask the store clerc. The man behind the counter had tied back gray hair, bluish gray eyes, and glasses. His name tag read: Fulgur Ovid.

You asked him about the book you wanted to buy, and you saw his eyes light up with excitement before clearing his throat to regain his composure. He asked you to follow him and led you to what you were looking for. As he assisted you, you guys talked about the game which led to you talking about lots of other likes and hobbies.

You ended up walking away with his number and texting nerdy shit. You guys talked for months before Fulgur asked you out during a oneshot campaign you guys were playing where he was the GM.

You guy’s relationship is very domestic. You guys are both group dads so you’re the respective parents whenever you’re hanging out with friends. You both take every opportunity to tease one another and others since you riff off each other so well with you mischievous ways which leads to fits of very loud laughter and his iconic kettle laugh.

You were the one who made Fulgur into a cat person. You brought home twin stray cats one day, and even though be scolded you and said he didn’t like them he couldn’t resist two (three) pleading faces.

You’re the only one who can fluster him with words and you love watching him go red every time you compliment him. He blushes especially red when you compliment him in Japanese or your native tongue (he only understands English and Japanese but he finds it incredibly sexy when you talk to him in any other language). He also blushes when you spoil him with gifts like books or games.

I feel like Fulgur is an acts of service and quality time type of guy. Even though he’s the more introverted one of the two of you he loves spending time with you.

One of his favorite dates is movie nights especially when y’all watch horror movies. You have a contest on who will get scared first. And sometimes you guys just like to have deep conversations on the couch while cuddling

Fulgur is incredibly perceptive and emotionally intelligent so he’ll be sure to be there for you whenever you’re feeling anxious and will remind you to take your medication (if you take any) and will never yell or get mad at you because he knows you can’t help it and loves every part of you.

He also makes sure to compliment every outfit you wear so you know how amazing you are inside and out.

Overall you and Fulgur support each other very well. You’re both huge nerds and not afraid to be yourselves and just want everyone around you to be happy.

P.S. if you’re dating Fulgur you’re essentially dating the rest of a noctyx to so you get 4 men for the price of one-

Runner Up: Ike Eveland

An: Sorry this is kinda short I had a lot of cute ideas when i started writing this and then forgot some of them lol

[ofieugogyshz]

Fic;; Memories: Riolu IV

Word Count: 8900 officially over 9000 now

Summary: Sarah accepts Cynthia’s invitation to visit her in Celestic Town. On her second day there, she finds herself visiting Cynthia in her grandmother’s home, and, once again, facing an internal struggle that her Riolu, Lance, and Cynthia, were set on helping her with.

Warnings: Lots of bad mental health, self-depreciation spirals, abusive thoughts to self. Also some awkwardness. (But it gets better!)

Notes: This is the thing that’s just been. taunting and harassing me for weeks, and i am so done with it. i am so sorry that it’s like, 2x as long as the others. I really hope it’s worth it to you guys, because I am just so done with it. Edit: Fixed up some spots, and re-pasting it added paragraph indents, so ????

(Series Masterpost)

---------------------

After helping me with my Riolu, Cynthia invited me to visit her in Celestic Town.

“I'll be there for a while, researching more myths.”

I told her yes, but when she offered to take me with her, I declined. I said that I wanted to walk the rest of the route to fulfill my Pokedex.

“Oh, you're working on a Pokedex? That sure takes me back...” She had a wistful look on her face. “I went on a big adventure with a Pokedex when I was younger.” I told her to share with me some of those stories when I met up with her in Celestic Town. She gave me her number, and we parted ways for the time being.

I spent the rest of that day and the next playing with my Riolu named Lance to make up for the issues we had ran into. Totally not connected to the Lance of fame. Yep. Definitely not. But it wasn't like I had that much of a choice. My friend, his father's trainer, had named him that for me as a cute little joke. I suppose I could have picked a name and told my friend to name it that. But I wanted to know what a Pokemon was like before I named it; and without the Pokemon in front of me, it was so hard to find an appropriate name. But watching Riolu-- little Lance fight our way up Route 210, I couldn't help but think that maybe my friend Blaze had the right idea in naming him after him. He was definitely strong and determined like his namesake, and showed plenty of care towards other Pokemon.

<<Can we call my namesake today? I wanna tell him how strong I got!!>>

I laughed. Now that I had accepted it, it was cute whenever he asked to talk to Lance. Lance—the human-- thankfully couldn't understand what the little Riolu was saying, but watching him entertain the notion was cute. Endearing. Enjoyable.

I looked at the time. Lance might be available now...? I had tried calling him earlier, but it went straight to voicemail. Probably working, I thought to myself.

“Let's try again after we get to the Pokemon Center in Celestic, so you guys can see each other with the videophones.”

And so we went through the rest of the route. It was a rather annoying route; there were many obstacles in our way, not including the fog that limited visibility. It took a few days to traverse the rest of the route by foot. I was able to train up my Pokemon a lot more than I expected. But even with the great training it provided, I was so relieved when I finally saw the rustic buildings nestled away in the mountain range. Even if it hadn't been Celestic, I would have been grateful just to stay a few nights away from the mess that was the foggy mountainside.

It was daytime when we arrived. I immediately looked for the Pokemon Center and checked in. When my Pokemon were returned, I let Lance out of his Pokeball.

“You know what, I think I'mma call you 'Little Lance', if that's alright with you? It's a little confusing talking to my friends about the both of you...” That was only partially a lie. I thought it might help distinguish them, yes, but I also still felt a little embarrassed calling him by that name... I was hoping a working towards a middle-ground might help.

Lance considered it for a moment, then shook his head.

<<Nope.>>

“Aw, but c'mon! It's super cute, calling you 'Little Lance'. Ooh! I could even call you 'Lil Lance'”

But he wouldn't budge.

“Ugh, fine then.”

<<Can we try calling Lance now?>> he asked, pointing to the videophones. I thought about it for a moment.

“I suppose so... It's almost time for our weekly call anyways.”

<<Yes!>> Lance curled up his fist and pulled it back in excitement. It was so cute to see him emulating a human gesture; he must've picked that up from me in the last week.

I picked up one of the receivers and dialed Lance's number. My heart was pounding, as it always did whenever I called him. Often I worried that I was being a bother. Things like, “Maybe I should call back later,” would plague my mind. But for some reason, I felt less nervous about it now. Maybe because Lance the Riolu was there, just as happy as I was to talk to him, that it made me feel less scared.

No answer still.

“Hmm... Weird.” The landline recording asked if I wanted to leave a message; I hung up. It wasn't that important to me to miss once. I had to let it not be important.

<<What's wrong?>>

“He isn't answering. Hope everything's alright. He's probably busy with other stuff right now.” I wonder if they officially made him Champion yet, or if they're still filling out the paperwork on that, I thought. He had mentioned that a few weeks ago; though that had little to do with him not answering. My thoughts were wandering far away on the topic, musing on what that conversation would be like when he told me that it was officialized. Lance tugged at my pants.

<<Can we visit Miss Cynthia then?>>

“Yeah, let me just see if she's available.” I pulled out the number she gave me, slowly typing it in. It rang once before being answered. There was no visual, so I found myself staring at a screen that just said “No Visual”, accompanied by the image of a Chatot.

“Hang—Hang on a moment.” Cynthia's voice sounded far away and strained, like she was just out of reach of her phone. The distant sound made me curious on how she had answered it, but I didn't have time to think about that, because she suddenly came in much louder and clearer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Cynthia? It's Sarah.”

“It is! I'm glad to hear from you! Are you nearby? I can go out and meet you if you want.” She sounded eager, excited. Had she been looking forward to this? I didn't think so. I was just a trainer she had met twice; and younger than her, I would later discover. Maybe the sound of her happy voice was because she just had a breakthrough with her research, and she couldn't wait to tell someone. I highly doubted she was excited to hear from me, after all. Not after the impression I gave last time.

Lance looked at me, his ears drooping a little as he examined me. Ah. Right. I shouldn't be thinking a thought like that. I guess that was something both Lances wanted me to work on.

“I'm already at the Pokemon center,” I told her. I scritched behind Lance's ears, making him feel better. It helped me, too. “I just got in.”

“Oh! That's perfect! I'll come get you.”

We hung up. She arrived in about fifteen minutes, brushing dust and dirt off of her coat as she arrived. Based on what I had seen of her in pictures and in person, I never would have imagined that she could look so disheveled.

“Where were you?” I asked. Lance and Pika both ran over to greet her.

“Oh, excavation. Have you learned about the Celestic Ruins yet? It's why I love coming back here so much! I can show you later, if you'd like.”

“N-no, that's fine for right now...”

We hadn't made any plans for the visit, so Cynthia gave me a short tour of the small town. In its center was a crater, and in the center of that crater was a small shrine. She told me that it dates back to ancient times; many of the town's residents still prayed to the deities and Pokemon they believed were tied to it. Behind the shrine was a cave; on each side of the cave's entrance were two large drawings, of what I presumed were ancient or mythological Pokemon. Beyond that, there was little of interest to passing trainers. The town was so small that it lacked a proper Pokemart. Instead, an old couple sold things from their home for any passing trainers that needed to restock between Mt. Coronet and their next destination. I wasn't sure if it was surprising or just interesting that the Champion considered this town her favorite.

For lunch, she took me to one of the few places to eat in the small town. While there wasn't much to catch Cynthia up on, I found myself excitedly telling her how Lance and I got along better since we last saw each other. She listened intently, speaking thoughtfully and giving me advice. I found myself asking her for a casual battle-- not one with her title on the line, but as between new friends.

“Very well then,” she said. “I should let you know-- I plan on going all out!”

“Couldn't ask for a better match myself!”

I sent out a Luxio and a Roselia, both Pokemon that I had caught here in Sinnoh. They were doing great at Gym Battles, and I figured the experience with a Champion might help them grow even stronger. Cynthia quirked an eyebrow, interested in the unspoken challenge of a doubles battle. She sent out a Garchomp and a Gastrodon. The double Earthquake duo had a huge advantage over Luxio; Roselia could handle Gastrodon, but that still left her Garchomp. As we battled, I did my best to keep my two Pokemon from fainting, but there was only so much they could do at their current strength. We both called back our Pokemon when the battle was over.

“That was a great match! The confidence in which you issued your commands allowed your Pokemon to trust you, and they responded well! I can't wait to have another battle with you when they've gotten stronger.”

“Tch...” Though she gave me high praise, the defeat still stung. “We should have another match with my aces.”

“Hmm. Perhaps another day... Don't forget that the key to growing as a trainer is to challenge yourself! Playing it safe is going to deprive yourself of new possibilities.”

She was right on both counts. One battle was enough for now. I had gotten a glimpse of what waited for me when I would challenge the Sinnoh Elite Four and its Champion, and I felt myself eager to train with my Pokemon for when that day would come. Beside me, Lance had looked on in awe, little tail wagging during the battle.

<<I want to battle too!>> he said to me. I knelt down to pat his head.

<<Maybe next time.>>

The next day, I headed over to where Cynthia was staying. We realized that we had a shared interest in mythology, so she invited me over to look at some of the texts that her and her grandmother kept. Pika followed behind me with Lance. I could hear the both of them talking happily amongst themselves, and I smiled. It was nice to hear him feeling like a member of the team again.

When I got to the address Cynthia gave me, an older woman answered the door. She adjusted her glasses, looking me up and down.

“Um, hi. I'm here because Cynthia invited me. This... is the right address, yes?” I looked at the address she had hastily scrawled down for me, and showed it to the woman. She didn't bother looking at it.

“That's correct. My granddaughter told me that she would be having a friend come over. Didn't think it'd be someone so young.” I winced. She motioned for me to come in, closing the door behind her. I took a look around. Stacks and stacks of paper were all over the living room, or what I thought was supposed to be one. Cynthia's grandmother followed my line of sight and sighed. “Pardon the mess. When we both really get into our research, it shows.”

“Ahaha, it's okay. Kind of reminds me of my room,” I said without thinking. Woops. Probably shouldn't've mentioned that. That wasn't a good impression, but hopefully it wouldn't mean something bad to them, if it came back up.

“In here.” Cynthia's grandmother had led me down the hall and stopped in front of one of the doors. “Cynthia's already in the library. She said she wanted to pull out some texts for you to read before you got here. Knowing her, she's probably already got a huge stack prepared for you. I'll be going out for a walk, so if you need anything, let Cynthia know.”

I was alone in the hall with my Pokemon. Lance and Pika stood on either side of me, looking up at me. I was a little nervous, and her grandmother's comment on my age left me feeling a little unsettled. Was she expecting someone older? How much older? I just realized that I don't even know how old Cynthia is! Is it really okay to call ourselves friends if she's much older than me? But I found the nerves paling in comparison to my excitement. I was excited to have someone else to call a friend; excited that the local Champion had called me a friend to her grandmother. But more importantly, I was excited to see the library that she had. All the books, all the texts, the myths and years of research that people had put into studying these things-- even if I was only interested in reading only the myths, being surrounded by so many books would be so exciting! Old books had that especially exciting aesthetic appeal to them, just thinking about it...

<<Are you okay?>> asked Lance. He tugged at my clothes, pulling me out of my reverie.

“Ah, yes. Thank you. Sorry, I got a little excited...”

<<You must really like books.>>

The comment made me smile. I took a deep breath and knocked loudly on the door.

“Come in!” I could hear Cynthia's faint response through the door. I turned the doorknob and pushed.

The sight of so many books greeted me. They were on the walls, stacked against shelving on the walls. Some stacks were so high that some of the desks and chairs were buried and hidden from view. Everywhere I turned was littered with books, folders, and handwritten notes.

“Sarah! I'm so glad to see you!” I could see Cynthia in the center of the room, holding a cup of tea. I could barely make out the sight of some fancy-looking seats centered around a coffee table in the middle of the room. I smiled, and closed the door behind me.

“Thanks for inviting me!” I said. I started walking towards her, my Pokemon carefully hopping from low bookstack to bookstack like the floor was lava. I began to talk excitedly, sentences running into each other as I couldn't wait to share what I had to say. “I'm so glad you asked me to come over, this is so amazing, and---L-Lance!!! W-w-what're y-you doing h-here?”

I stopped dead in my tracks, face flushing, unaware that there was going to be company. Much less company that I liked.

<<I'm sorry, was I not supposed to jump on the books?>> asked my Riolu. The sudden change in my reaction, the strange query mentioning his name, had left him confused. It took him a moment to realize what was going on with me. He looked to where I was stuck staring, as though I were stricken with a Glare attack and could not look away. I heard a happy yip from him, and he ran towards the red-headed trainer that was seated on the couch.

<<It's him!!! It's him!! My namesake!! We get to meet my namesake!!!>

“You must be the little Riolu that I've been talking to over the phone!” I heard Lance say. He caught the little Riolu, ruffling the top of his head. My Riolu looked up at him, starry-eyed, before turning back to me. I was still stricken to the spot. Cynthia came over to me, gently pushing me behind the back to lead me to a chair that was seated on the side, between both of theirs.

“Come on in! Don't be afraid to sit down with us!”

“I-I'm not!” I said quickly, the words out of my mouth before I realized what they were. I shut my mouth right then, glancing at Lance, before looking back at Cynthia. She gave no indication that this was intentional, but I had the underlying sense that it was... I was suddenly hyperaware of how I presented myself. I quickly placed my hands in my lap. I kept my legs together, though one foot would begin bouncing in place before I knew it.

Pika had heard the excited commotion and came over to me, peeking her head over a pile of books to look. When she saw who it was, she ran over and happily nuzzled Lance on the cheek.

I felt simultaneous embarrassment and envy of her at that moment. I could have cried. I wanted to cry.

Sensing the conflicting emotions, Lance-- the Riolu-- came over to me and climbed into my lap. He was emanating so much happiness from meeting Lance –the human-- that it started to put me at ease. I wrapped my arms around my Riolu, gently resting my chin on his head, wishing I could have fiddled with something instead.

I watched as Lance picked up my Pikachu and set her down on the couch, gently scritching her under the chin.

“And hello to you too, Pika! It's been awhile since we've seen each other, hasn't it friend?”

“Chu! Pika pikachu!!”

<<My namesake! My namesake!!!>>

This was going to give me a headache, if I didn't die from embarrassment first. I tried to suppress a groan, and looked to Cynthia once more, trying to get help from her. Any kind of help. But her attention was already towards Lance, ignoring my distress.

“I'm glad to see that you're such good friends with Sarah's Pokemon already.”

“I've met her Pikachu several times, both in and out of battle. The Riolu is new.” He turned towards me. “I hope he hasn't been giving you too much trouble?”

I sat up straight when he addressed me. “Hm?! Oh! Um, n-no, not recently,” I said, lying a little. But I could feel Riolu become a little angry with me for the lie. He didn't like me being dishonest, it seemed. “A-actually, Cynthia helped us with a, uh, misunderstanding about a week ago, so things are actually better than before!” I gave him a nervous smile.

“I see.”

“It was moving to see. Sarah really is passionate about her Pokemon.”

“Y-yeah, I am.” I turned towards Lance, asking him the same question that I asked earlier when I came in.

“W-what are you doing here, Lance? I thought you were busy, with, um. League stuff?”

“Cynthia invited me to come out. She said that she's found an ancient connection between Sinnoh and Johto, and asked if I was interested.”

“But aren't you supposed to be at the league right now?”

“Since we're still in the process of obtaining a new Elite Four member to replace me, the League's been closed. I normally have time off from the Pokemon G-Men when the League is open, so I haven't had as much to do for the time being.” He looked at me, a curious expression on his face. “Why, did you want me to be there?”

“W-what?! Uh, no, I guess? I think?” I didn't know if that was the right answer or not. This was making me so nervous, so on edge. I didn't know which way I should play into this. “I just thought that you wouldn't be able to come this far north, is all.” I looked away, cheeks flushing a little. “You never mentioned it in any of our e-mails or calls.”

“It was last minute,” Cynthia interrupted. I looked over at her; she had been watching the conversation. Her legs were crossed, one elbow propped up on a knee as she rested her chin on the back of her hand. She had an inscrutable smile on her face, but the body language told me all I needed to know. She definitely planned this. I felt my face grow hotter as I realized it, and all the implications that could mean. Riolu squeaked as my arms tightened around him.

Cynthia continued. “I had the breakthrough a few days ago, and I thought he'd be interested. I found some text that suggests that Sinnohans may have moved over to Johto, but the connecting thread mentions a cave that no one's been able to find in Johto. Not yet, anyways.”

“She thought that I might like to try and find it.”

“Ah.... I see...”

“Oh! Before I forget, these are some of the books I wanted to show you, Sarah.” Cynthia got up to grab a small handful of books. She placed a few of them on the table in front of me; I was so apprehensive of the situation now that I couldn't even glance at their titles. My Riolu looked at the books curiously. “You might enjoy familiarizing yourself with Sinnoh's myths and traditions. It's a region that's full of beauty and history!”

She handed Lance the other books she held. I watched as she spoke so passionately to him about the ruins that she had found mentioned in her texts. I found myself a little jealous. Cynthia was a beautiful, confident, and an amazing trainer. She had no problems talking to Lance and keeping him invested in a conversation. And I could barely talk to him without becoming extremely flustered, stuttering and stumbling over my words, uncertain of which ones to say at all. I wanted to say all of them, in all the ways and combinations, until I could find the best ones to say to him. But with that desire to talk to him came the same conflict of being noticed, of being watched, of being paid attention to. As much as I wanted it, I didn't want it; because if he saw me, then he was watching me. And if he was watching me, then that meant that I could be judged one way or the other over something I did. Something I said. The way I looked, the look I gave off. I didn't want him to think less of me because of that. Cynthia, on the other hand, didn't seem to care about the mess that her library was in. She knew who she was and confident that it was more than enough to be liked, to be respected. I yearned to have that kind of confidence, that fearlessness. But I had to be liked. I had to be well-liked. I couldn't stand letting someone think worse of me for an accident or lack of attention or knowledge.

So I sat there, quietly watching the two of them as they became more invested in their conversation, until I thought myself forgotten about. The things they spoke about were beyond my current knowledge, and I, for once, could not interrupt. The two of them got up to look at something else in the library, ancient maps I think. I sunk into my seat, letting out a long sigh. Riolu looked up at me from where he sat in my lap, confused and concerned.

<<What are you feeling right now? I know the confusion.>>

Jealousy, I thought back. I was jealous of her. Not to a bitter extent, but... She probably could have-- I couldn't finish the thought, the mere idea of it making me hurt. I wanted to cry. Riolu turned around to press his forehead against mine.

<<I don't understand your feelings, but I do know that you're in pain right now. I hope you can feel better.>>

“Thanks.”

I watched as Cynthia helped Lance find reference materials for the Sinjoh ruins that she talked about. He hadn't heard of it before, and Cynthia speculated it was somewhere far north of his hometown. Lance placed a hand on his chin as he thought, looking carefully at the maps she had on the wall and the documents she showed him. It looked natural, seeing them together. Perhaps if I was in a better place emotionally, I could have enjoyed watching him in a different element.

The two of them seemed to flow well together, I found myself thinking as I observed them. I didn't want to, but it came unbidden. They looked good together. People probably think... nicer things about the two of them together than if it were me with him. I was not pretty. Today, I didn't feel smart enough to even join in their conversation, though I obviously could have picked up the information. I couldn't deny that, and so, the argument inside my head began.

My thoughts struggled between telling me I was worthless as a trainer and proving all of it wrong. I was good at Pokemon battles, and I had defeated the Champions from Kanto and Hoenn, but I didn't choose to take that role of responsibility that came with being Champion. It wasn't something I could do. It required a lot of work, and I wouldn't have been free to continue on my own journey. On the other hand, it wasn't impressive to not take up the position. That was the only thing I was confident about. All those achievements didn't mean that I'd be interesting to someone. Someone that I struggled to initiate a conversation with, and sometimes procrastinated replying to text or email messages to, and thought for hours on a reply, just because I didn't want to worry about him thinking awful of me. But...

My eyes roved over to where the two of them talked. I felt something awful in the pit of my stomach. A pang of jealously.

I wish I could be like her.

Anyone but myself.

Ugh. I hated these thoughts. But once they started, they wouldn't stop coming.

If he got with me, it would be such a joke. The media would have a field day. And why would he even get with me? Because I have a one-sided crush? That's bullshit. Plus, she can talk to him about things, and hold a conversation, and, damn, even get him to travel to another region for just a myth that she thought he might be interested in? I can't even do that. I mean, I never asked him, but why would I? I know he won't show, even if he didn't have all those responsibilities. And I'm strong as a trainer, but I'm not as experienced as her. I can't even accept that my own selfish feelings might be hurting my Pokemon. I thought I knew a lot, but it's just as much hot air as Eusine. And then there's just... UGH. Expecting someone to get with me, looking like this? A Milktank, no a Snorlax-- wait what was that cat they have here? Purugly. I'm so ugly, so awful--

<<Sarah?>>

It was a sound like a cold drop of water. The burning, burdening chaotic swirl of thoughts stopped, for just a moment. Riolu's thought was like a cool, soothing balm. I opened my eyes. I hadn't even realized that I had them shut, tears welling up in the corner. He touched his forehead to mine. After a few moments, I felt a calming wave of energy sweep through my body, relaxing all the muscles that had tensed.

<<Better?>> he asked, thoughts full of concern.

Yeah, I thought back. I hugged him tight, closing my eyes again. That helped a bit. Thanks.

<<Good. Because you got Miss Cynthia's attention.>>

That made me jump. I opened my eyes again to see her standing nearby, a gentle smile on her face.

"Are you doing okay, Sarah?" she asked me quietly.

"Uhm.. Mm… y-yeah. I-I'm okay now."

"That's good. I'd hate for you to feel awful while we're all here." She gently ran her hand along the back of my head, and rested it on my shoulder. "Please, have some tea. Or, if you'd like, there are more beverages in the kitchen. I could get you something to drink.”

I looked at her, then looked over to where Lance was, still invested in the scrolls.

"Uh, um. No, I'm okay. I have water in my bag. Thank you."

It was strange. She had such a caring aura about her that I wanted to break down and cry to her. To let her know about everything that was upsetting me, including how I was both jealous of her, and that I admired her. That I hated my conflicting feelings. That I lacked the courage I would otherwise have, when it came to Lance. I wanted to ask her for advice, but I hated the idea of needing to seek it. Knowing that she showed so much care to me, a trainer she had only met a few times, was enough to make me want to break down.

But my Riolu, Lance, continued to emanate calm energy, keeping me from reacting in a way that I would have hated. He didn't understand it, but he understood enough to know that keeping me calm was what I needed most at the moment. Crying was one of the last things that I had wanted to do.

<<Thank you, Lance.>> I thought to my Riolu. I'd have to remember to give him a good treat later on.

"Do you want to step outside for a bit?" Cynthia asked me suddenly.

I blinked. I looked up at her, confused. Was she… Trying to get me to leave the room? But… did that maybe mean….

As though reading my thoughts, she quickly added, "I could give you a tour of the house. Though, I suppose we should avoid my room, it is a bit messy from all the paperwork…."

"I, uh…"

"Great!” She turned her head, calling out over her should, “Lance, we'll be back in a bit. If you're interested, there's some books I found on the Johto region, pre-dating the Tin and Brass Towers in that corner over there."

She got me to take off my bag and come with her. Riolu followed, though he didn't have much choice as my emotional support Pokemon at the moment. Pika stayed behind; she was enjoying the small snacks that Cynthia had left out. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her.

Cynthia gently guided me towards the back of the house. And by gently, I meant that she gently pushed me towards the back, ignoring all confused protests with cheerful replies. She led me outside, to where there was a wide, empty dirt yard. She let out her Lucario, much to the joy of my own Riolu, who now squirmed in my arms so he could say hello to his newfound hero.

"Gahhh… I'm sorry about all this. I should have thought more carefully about it or let you know that he was coming over."

"Wait, so it was planned?" I said, turning around on her. I didn't know if I should have been more angry or shocked that she knew all along about my feelings towards that Lance, and still let this happened. “Or at least the him coming over part…?"

Cynthia leaned against the banister of the porch. She didn't say anything for a moment, as though she was trying to carefully word her thoughts. I waited, trying not to be angry, trying not to be embarrassed.

"I thought it might help," she finally said.

My emotions decided: I was angry, mad at her, though I couldn't put into words why. But…. I believed her. She really was trying to help me. I could feel it. And as I stared angrily at her, I felt my conviction weaken. Her Lucario stood nearby, palms out; he was using his aura powers to connect our spirits so we could better understand one another.

"...You're really scared about this," she said with a mixture of pity and understanding. “And you're right to feel angry; I should have asked or talked to you about this beforehand.” She slapped her forehead, muttering a simple idiot to herself.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, I really am. Both angry and scared. Because I already did this once, like an idiot, and erroneously assumed that that's what you do to like people. That you just... Decide to. And then you tell them that you want to date them and then you become boyfriend and girlfriend or whatever and it all goes uphill from there. But it didn't. And I'm lucky at all that he still let me get to know him after that. But I guess not enough, if I didn't know that he was coming here..."

Cynthia paused, giving a thoughtful hum. Then, she said in a hopeful tone, "Well, what if he wanted to surprise you? When was the last time you guys got to see each other in person?"

Her questions gave me pause to think. I never considered that, but I also didn't think I was important enough for something like that. Like he'd come all the way out here just to surprise me, when my Pokemon journey meant that I could be anywhere between a city and a route, even stuck somewhere. Sure, I normally tell him where I was heading or planning to go; but there wasn't a guarantee that I would have been here. Or anywhere. Planning a visit was one thing, but a surprise one....?

"C-c'mon now…" I looked away from her, eyes searching ground for things to say. Burnt orange dirt greeted me as an answer. A single rock, a couple of weeds, more dirt. Nothing useful that could be said. “There's no way that he'd... wanna... I mean, I'm not someone important. I'm just a stupid, annoying teen, annoying some guy that I kn--” I stopped, horrified. “Oh Arceus, I should be leaving him alone, shouldn't I?! I bet I seem like some crazy stalker fangirl and-- ugh. Damnit, Sarah, how could you be so stupid!? You're bugging him so much--"

I was cut off as an unlikely hand-chop came down on my head, causing me more surprise than pain. Doink.

"Owwwowowowowow." I clutched at my head, tears curling up in the corners of my eyes from the pain. I looked up at Cynthia, whose hand was still vertical and poised to chop me on the head again. “What'd'you do that for!?”

“What about all those calls?” Her voice was stern.

"Courtesy. He's just doing them out of courtesy, or to be nice, or because I seem crazy enough that if he doesn't he's worried I might--"

Doink.

Another hand-chop to the head.

I rubbed the top of my head, tears welling up in frustration now.

“You need to stop the negative thinking! He wouldn't take the time out of his busy schedule to do all that just because you annoyed him, Sarah. Trust me; I've had my fair share of crazy fans, and I wouldn't let any of them near me like I've let you. I'm not saying this to get your hopes up, but it's clear that he think you're someone worth keeping near. For people like us, where we're constantly being hounded by media and trainers looking for personal gain and not much else, that's a lot. We have our own lives; but it's hard to let people in them. And with the frequency of those calls that you guys have--”

“E-EH?! W-w-wait, y-you know... a-ab-about.... th-those!?” The way she had so casually said it this time had caught me off guard. I don't know why I hadn't froze up at the first mention of the calls mere minute ago.

“Lance told me.” At the sudden deep blush that set across my face, she clarified. “Your Riolu, I mean. ...I see now why the name might have been difficult for you.”

“Oh.” I still felt alarmed, but I relaxed a little. That meant he wasn't sharing stuff like that with other people. Not that I wanted him to. I didn't want to think about what it meant if he was sharing that to someone else, especially not with Cynthia.

“I apologize, for not telling you that he was coming over. You were so afraid and scared to say Lance's name,” she said, nodding towards my Riolu, “that I thought having you come over while he was here might have helped. I didn't let you know because I thought that you might run away... And I thought that you might appreciate the surprise of getting to see him again, in person.”

“I--” I stopped to think about it. She was right; I would have thought about running away. But I realized that, despite all the fluster and frustration and everything else that just happened, it was nice to see him again, in person. I hadn't gotten to see him in person very often the last few years; part of that happily avoiding the awkwardness awarded to me by my thirteen-year-old self, while also us having our own, vastly different paths in life at the time. But, even with the information that Cynthia had now shared with me, I thought that maybe I should keep my distance from him. To leave him alone, and not bug him like I usually did. To not repeat the mistakes of the past. To make sure that I didn't do that.

I really wished I could have been better about that.

“You do like getting to see him again, right?” Cynthia asked me, noticing that my thoughts had started to spiral again. I felt myself flush right up, stammering out a reply.

"I-I… I'mma… Y-you're n-n-not… wr-wrong about… about that…." I crossed my arms, looking away for a moment so I wouldn't have to face the consequences of admitting it.

Cynthia laughed. "Who knows. Maybe this might help you get closer to him, so you're not always stuttering!"

"I'M NOT STUTTERING!!!" I shouted at her, face red. “I just…. Fumble… and stumble… over my, uh, words………."

"Can you even refer to him by name?" she asked, sounding concerned for a moment.

"Err, um… that is to say…. Uh…." I hung my head. "N-no… n-not r-really."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Um…." I paused to think. Why do I have trouble using his name? ...ah. That's why. I looked down, and I picked at the sleeve of my shirt. I didn't want to say the words.

"Because I don't think I'm worthy of saying it."

There was a solemn moment between the two of us. Putting it into words made it feel so surreal. It made no sense to think that way, or feel that way. After all, I was a human. I was a damn Champion; I've beaten his ass at Pokemon battles more times than it was worth, when I was much younger. So then, why did that not mean something? Why was I venerating a name that anyone could have? Even my own Pokemon had suffered because of those feelings.

Then, as I was contemplating the absurdity of it, Cynthia started laughing, wiping tears from her eyes as she approached me.

"Wh-WHAT?!" I shouted, embarrassed and confused. "I REALLY DO THINK- er, feel… That way… I guess."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for laughing. But just… The way you said it--"

"Ugh! Why did I even come out here with you?! I should have just gone off and trained!" I turned away, crossing my arms angrily. She came up and gave me a consoling hug.

"You really shouldn't feel that way about yourself," she said quietly. "Regardless of whether or not you're in love. It's not good to hate yourself like that. You are worth so much, and I see so much potential in you, both as a trainer and as a person. Don't give up on your dreams, because someone told you to feel this way once."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will myself not to cry.

“W-what if...” It was a struggle to get the words out. “Wh-what.. i-if.... it w-was... m-m-more... se...several... people?”

“Not even then. Their lies are not what's true about you.”

Her words and compassion had finally gotten me to cry. Feelings that I kept pushed down inside myself burst forth. I turned around and pressed my face against her, trying to hide it, but so painfully aware in some part of my brain that it would result in some snot on her coat. It was embarrassing. But she didn't show anything other than kindness as I broke down. She soothed me with comforting words and hushes, gently rubbing my back. When I had finally stopped, spent of the emotions that I had kept bottled up, she recalled her Lucario and guided me back inside. We stopped in the kitchen for a moment; Cynthia suggested that I get something to drink before returning to the library.

Riolu had followed behind us, watching everything with quiet awe. I could feel that he had a query for me, but he couldn't quite formulate it clearly. And even if he had, I wasn't sure that I could answer him.

“Lance,” Cynthia called out sweetly to my Riolu. “Do you understand what just happened here?”

He shook his head, mouth slightly open.

“Ri.”

“Sometimes, when things hurt for us, we try to hide it. But if we keep doing that, then it gets to be too much to hold back. Sometimes you have to let yourself cry. Or scream. Or whatever it is that your emotions are making you feel. Sarah seems to be especially fond of holding them back. I can't say she's particularly good at hiding them, though.”

“Thanks, Cynthia,” I said wryly, face heating up as I took another drink. It was embarrassing having her explain things to my Pokemon, because it also felt like she was trying to wink-wink-nudge-nudge me about how to solve my own emotional issues. I should have been more than capable of doing that myself, without the explanation from someone else. She continued.

“So if you feel like she's ever in need of letting out her feelings, you might need to pull her aside and get her to open up to you. It might not be as easy as it was today. Sometimes, in order to protect herself from her feelings, she might fight you on it. But you'll have to be patient and wait her out, letting her know that you're there for her.”

“Ri...”

Riolu jumped up to hug me, startling me for a moment.

<<I promise to help take care of you!>> His feeling was sincere. The energy behind it, the strength of his feelings, almost made me cry again. I shook my head, trying to focus elsewhere.

When I calmed down, we walked back to the room. I was staring at the door again, mentally preparing myself once more to enter. The calm that I had gained was slowly giving way once more to nervousness. I found myself worrying that it would show all over my face that I had an emotional meltdown. (Cynthia told me it didn't look like I had been crying, but I wasn't convinced.) I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down while it felt like every fiber of my being was racing. My skin felt like ants were crawling all over it. I rubbed one of my arms and took a final deep breath.

Cynthia smiled at me.

“You ready?”

“Y-yeah. I'll be fine.” I picked up my Riolu, hugging him tightly. “I've got this Lance with me to help keep me calm.”

“Ri!” His tail wagged.

“We're back!” Cynthia called out when we entered. I could see Lance's tuft of red hair over by the table that we had been seated at earlier.

“Welcome back!” he replied. We walked over to him, and I could see Pika curled up beside his lap, taking a nap. I instantly felt envious of her. To just so casually....! Lance noticed that I was looking at her, and gave a small laugh.

“I came over to read some of the books, when I noticed that Pika had been left behind. I thought it was odd, but she didn't seem to be bothered by being separated from you. In fact, she curled right up next to me and fell asleep.”

I blushed. My Riolu looked up at me.

<<She felt confident that I could help,>> he said. <<I'm not sure why that is. Miss Cynthia was the one to help you the most! I think she just wanted to eat the cookies without sharing...>>

I frowned when he told me that. I put him down and picked up Pika, sitting down on the couch as I did so. I held her up, away from me, waiting for her to wake up.

Pika gave a sleepy little yawn. She squeaked when she saw me staring at her with an unamused expression. She squirmed, giggling as she tried to get out of my grip. I let go of her with a short sigh, and she fell into my lap. With a carefree attitude, she climbed back up the couch to sit on my shoulder, nuzzling me. She was definitely trying to be trouble.

“Honestly...”

“Is everything okay? It's not often that I don't see her without you.”

I jumped up for a second, forgetting that he was there. I tensed up, and feigned ignorance. “Hm? Oh, uh, Riolu said that she wanted to eat all the cookies and not share.” I gave him a nervous smile. “Some days, y'know?” I had no idea what I was trying to get at, honestly. But I hoped it was enough of an answer to avoid any future questions.

Now that I was no longer giving my Pokemon a condescending stare, knowing what her real motive was, I realized that I had sat next to him. On the same couch. I felt my face heat up and I slowly started to scoot away. Ah, but that's too obvious. Ah, quick! I patted the space next to me, motioning for Riolu to come sit there. He tilted his head at me, but obliged, climbing onto the couch. I scooted over more so he could sit between us; Lance raised an eyebrow at me.

“Ah, I forgot to mention it earlier, but Riolu's really excited to meet you!” I gave him a nervous laugh, and fumbled around for a further explanation. “Though I guess that much was obvious earlier... Ahaha... I thought, um. Well, uh... I don't really know how else to explain it, so just! Accept that he wanted to sit next to you!!”

Smooth.

As if picking up on the cue, Riolu turned towards Lance and wagged his tail. It wasn't disingenuous, as he really was excited to meet his namesake.

<<Hi, I'm Lance! I was named after you!!>> He stood up on the couch and held out his paw to Lance.

Panic coursed through me. My face instantly turned red and I grabbed Riolu. I pulled him away, hand over his mouth while trying to resist the urge to grumble something into his ear.

“What... did he say?” Lance sounded concerned, but I could hear muffled laughter from Cynthia, seated across from us. I had forgotten about her, but now wasn't the time to deal with her.

“O-Oh! Uhhh...ummm... y-y'know... how some.. Pokemon, just... say.... silly....things? To, um, their heroes?” I winced, feeling like the lie wasn't much better. My Pokemon wasn't satisfied with it either, and frowned. I could feel the dissatisfaction, right there, in my arms.

“I can't say that I know... Seeing as I haven't had any Pokemon talk to me in the same way that Riolu seems to with you.”

“Oh!” I let him go, and Riolu crossed his arms, pouting. “That's, um...” That's great! I wanted to say, but I knew that it was a very enviable thing to be able to understand Pokemon clearly. In specific words.

“That's, err, too bad, I think?” I relaxed, relieved that my Riolu hadn't somehow instantly been able to connect to and bond with Lance like he had with me. “I mean, it sucks, when they um, just have a lot of cool things they want to say to you! He thinks you're really cool!”

“And what else does Riolu think,” Cynthia said from the sidelines. I gave her a sharp look, and she stifled her laughter.

“Okay, I don't know what Cynthia thinks is so funny, but he really does look up to you!” I said, finally giving a genuine statement. “He's wanted to meet you for awhile now. And, it's, uh, it is nice to see you outside the league, for once. And not because of work!” I added, remembering that one time I had run into him. He was on a mission with the Pokemon G-Men, and somehow the events of that created this... issue. “I was just, um, surprised earlier to see you anywhere but Kanto or Johto, really. So I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being rude.”

Lance seemed to be confused by what I was saying, and I rolled my eyes and shook my head, frustrated at myself.

“Nevermind. Sorry if that didn't make any sense.”

He gave me a strange look, perhaps because my own words were strange enough without all the context on my end.

“I accept your apology, though I'm not really sure what it's for.”

“Um, 'cuz I thought maybe it seemed like I didn't want you here?”

“It didn't seem that way to me.”

I paused, trying not to overthink on what he just said. “I—oh, um. Good.” I nodded, trying to sound certain of myself.

An awkward silence followed, but it was shortly interrupted by Cynthia.

“Sarah,” she turned to me. “Where is your next badge located?”

Bless her for changing the subject to something less nerve-wracking. Riolu perked up at the mention of the Gym Challenge, and uncrossed his arms. I looked up at nothing in particular, trying to recall where I was told to go next. It was on the west side of Sinnoh, somewhere closer to Twinleaf Town than this side of Mt. Coronet.

“Umm... I think the city's called Canalave?”

“Then you should definitely make sure to train up your Riolu!” Cynthia looked excited, eyes brimming with energy and the teasing forgotten. “The Gym Leader is Byron; he's a steel-type user. Would you like to stay for awhile and train with me?”

I blinked. The offer was extremely honoring, and I couldn't figure out a reason to say no. “Sure, I'd love to! Thank you very much Cynthia.” I looked down towards the little Pokemon beside me. My Riolu jumped up, looking starry-eyed at Cynthia, tail wagging excitedly. “I'm sure Riolu would love it too, if he got to train with your Lucario!”

“Of course. I'd be more than happy for them to train together!”

“Would it be okay if I joined the two of you for your training?” Lance asked suddenly.

I felt myself freeze. I was not expecting that. I looked at him, scrutinizing him. Was there a joke in this? A prank? I was suddenly suspicious, wondering if somehow he and Cynthia were in on something. But if they were planning something like this all along, I couldn't tell; not from him. I quickly looked towards Cynthia, who clasped her hands together, smiling.

“That would be great! Incidentally, how long are you planning to stay in Sinnoh?”

“I've got a few days before I need to head to Blackthorn City.”

“Excellent! Then it's settled. We'll all train together!”

So maybe it wasn't planned. That didn't stop Cynthia from flashing me a devious smile right after. I couldn't help but feel apprehensive that she had something else up her long, black sleeves.

“That reminds me!” She pulled out a poster from under one of the books, and showed it to us. It had a drawing of a starry night sky, with what looked like shooting stars falling across it. Under that was the shrine, and the area around it was decorated.

“We're having a festival in a few days. Because we're away from any of the larger cities, the night sky is really clear. It makes it easy for us to see a meteor shower that happens once a year. It's one of the few things that draws visitors to Celestic Town, giving them revenue. The both of you should go! I'll be busy helping the town run it, so I won't be able to show you guys around, but I think you'll have plenty of fun exploring it without me!”

I felt my insides go hollow, instantly recognizing what Cynthia was doing. She was setting up an opportunity... for... a... I couldn't finish the thought, too frazzled to think it. I could only hope that, between the blanched feeling I was having and the inevitable blush that was to follow, my complexion looked relatively normal. Because I wanted to scream. And run away. And never come back.

Cynthia just gave me that, sweet, innocent, inscrutable smile, now decipherable, as a little nudge forward. She knew exactly what she was doing, and I hated that I wanted to thank her for it, too.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[lady-plantagenet]

Writing Meme

Thank you darlings @feuillesmortes @louisxivsrestingbitchface for tagging me in this. Since I wrote so few fics (despite how lengthy they are), I wanted to wait until the Ficathon reveal so I could gush about my only other written work XD.

Name: Lady_Plantagenet on AO3 (same as my tumblr but with an underscore). It used to be Defiantly_Definitely or something, I don’t know what the reasoning behind that was. Naturally, definitely was spelled wrong so I got locked out of the account at one point XD. As for my current name, well, it’s this username I use for all my internet entities which I concocted when I was 13 and haven’t changed since. I like it, it’s pretty iconic.

Fandoms: Currently 15th Century CE RPF/Richard III/The White Queen e.t.c. I tag them all for exposure reasons but the only two canons I can be said to follow are Shakespeare’s Richard III and 15th Century CR RPF. At one point (and buried deep down in my displayed is an ASOIAF/GOT fic but I wouldn’t call myself a writer for that fandom since 6 years. It was kinda a phase. Although, I do occasionally read fics from that fandom.

Where you post: Only on ao3 atm, although until this summer I used to cross post on fanfiction but when I noticed no one there is really interested kinda gave up. On fanfiction.net I have a different username which I won’t tell anyone because it’s an account full of terrible Tudors/TWOTR fics, which I wrote when I was about 12 and the writing and everything is so atrocious I even got flamed for it XD.

I’ll give you guys an excerpt though so you can laugh:

This was my 12 year old’s self attempt at a Cecily of York fic. There’s three others: one AU about Elizabeth Woodville surviving into HVIII’s reign and (oddly enough) a story also about Isabel Neville which is equally horrendous.

Most Popular One-shot: I don’t write one-shots. However, I guess the ‘Acts’ I wrote for These Giddy Hatchings (the George of Clarence AU I was commissioned to write for the Ficathon) constitute as one-shots (though I made them more that way to not get disqualified for submitting incomplete work for the Ficathon). Act 1 is, therefore? the most popular oneshot by one kudos. It is the first part of this AU series following the Richard III Shakespearean canon. It centers around what would have happened if George Duke of Clarence survived his murder, got pardoned and got a chance to go up against his younger brother. Since it’s the first part, it ends at George getting released from the Tower (thanks to his wife hhh god the joys of AUs and the freedom you get XD).

Most Popular Multichap: This is by far ‘A Bygone Era’. Nothing that I’ve ever written had ever gotten as many reviews and subscriptions. It’s my only serious piece of work (These Giddy Hatchings excepted), and it’s the one I go on about a lot (you know instead of actually updating hhh). For those who don’t already know (and for those who do, I apologise for repeating this info), it started out as a story about Isabel Neville and her only - it was only meant to be like 10 chapters or something. It all changed when during my research I uncovered this really interesting fact about Isabel and before I knew it, I realised I had a real-length story on my hands.

After perusing the range of published historical fiction, I realised no one had really done George Duke of Clarence, Richard Earl of Warwick (The Last of the Barons aside) and Anne Beauchamp Countess of Warwick any justice either, so as it turned out... Isabel wasn’t the only figure about whom no one had really written. So the story kind of became more centered around Isabel, George and Warwick (heavily featuring the two other Annes as well). The story also focuses on some of the (criminally underrepresented) issues of late medieval society eg the collapsing system of feudalism, bastard feudalism, the northern renaissance, the printing press, the wane of chivalry among others... I also shift POV around a lot so sometimes I write through the eyes of people who aren’t the main characters eg Cecily Neville. What else can I say? Please read it if you’re ever bored I thrive off reviews good or bad.

Favourite story you’ve written so far: This would actually be These Giddy Hatchings. A Bygone Era is far more dear to me, but, with the quality being a bit dodgier in the first chapters (since it’s been a year and I had barely started writing again after a very long time back then and had yet to learn the history in more detail), These Giddy Hatchings is technically speaking my favourite because the quality (whatever that is) is on an average better. This one I’m less ashamed of advertising. Please please read it, I’ll provide a link in the reblog. Unlike A Bygone Era, the focus is more on plot and themes than actual historical accuracy. Though of course, I did my best to imbed historical references in there (together with the Shakespearean ones). I also went a bit wild with the prose there, taking the fact that it’s written for Shakespeare-Richard III as an excuse XD. This piece just like the other does not aim to make my historical faves (George, Isabel and Warwick) into saints, just to make that clear. Although I admit the want of a more favourable portrayal of them when it comes to historical fiction does possibly affect the way I see these figures and interpret the source material. So yeah, does George kill the princes in the tower? Does he become the next king? Does he even manage to defeat his brother Richard? Read to find out XD.

Fic you were nervous to post: I was nervous about These Giddy Hatchings because it was a commission for someone (@malvoliowithin 🤍) I didn’t know at all and I was lowkey worried they wouldn’t be interested enough to read a 15K (and counting) word story about a prompt they were probably not that invested in XD. But now the anxiety is gone 😁 thanks to their kind words).

Otherwise, I’m generally worried everytime I update because though I don’t think very highly of my work, I’m scared of ruining something decent with a bad update haha. Not to mention I don’t want to put my reviewers in an awkward position because I know they’re too kind to say if they hate something haha.

How do you choose your titles: ‘A Bygone Era’, as a tile, I’m very proud of. If I may say so I’m more sure of this title than even other features of the story itself XD. After I decided I wanted to write a story about Isabel Neville, it took about 5 min for this title to enter my mind. It was inspired by my perception of the late 15th century England as a period that marked the end of the Medieval Ages on an aesthetic, cultural and political level. I was always struck by how Isabel (and George) lived and died in this small epoch (1450s - late 1470s) that was characterised by the wane of the chivalric age, the fact that heaviness and death hung in the conscious (something which many writers including Huizinga talk about). I wanted something which conveyed nostalgia and the idea of a story beggining at the end of something much larger than the story itself, ergo here we are.

‘These Giddy Hatchings’ was much more easy to come up with. It’s a line from Clarence’s monologue in Richard III. Since the prompt was about the two brothers butting heads, I thought it was a good idea to title this fic after what was supposed to symbolise the shallow, misleading base that forms the two’s brotherhood in said monologue. As in Clarence’s dream, Richard pushes him off the ‘Giddy Hatchings’ and into the sea (as is apparent to the audience but George in his dream thinks it’s by accident). I titled each oneshot ‘Act #’ to mimick the play’s format.

Do you outline: I tried outlining for A Bygone Era to estimate how long it will be (spoiler alert I expect about 25 chapters total). But since I keep finding new information, the story keeps getting thrown and so I just keep a list of plot ideas and turns of phrases that randomly enter my mind without my permission. I now only outline each new chapter at a time, plot-wise and copy and paste the applicable details from the random idea list and then see what happens XD.

The same goes for Giddy Hatchings, sort of. I initially planned for only three ‘Acts’ but it turned out to be four (one I am yet to write), but when I was randomly thinking about it yesterday I realised it might turn into 5 Acts XD.

Complete: Nothing is complete. Though I suppose the Acts from These Giddy Hatchings count as three completed one-shots.

In progress: Everything lmao. Though not that one ASOIAF fic, I’m certain I’ll never return to it. I don’t even know why I still keep it around.

Coming soon/not yet started: I have written like half a chapter for this AU I haven’t yet technically speaking started. The premises is: What if Elizabeth Woodville was the daughter of Jacquetta and John Duke of Bedford. In this story she still meets and falls in love with Edward IV, still has Warwick as her enemy, among other things. Her mother still marries Richard Woodville and uses Elizabeth’s inheritance to pay off the marriage fine so the girl is no wealthy heiress but still becomes Margaret of Anjou’s lady-in-waiting. It’s such a wild AU and I have so many ideas for it, but I would like to advance a bit more in my other stuff first so I don’t lose steam. There’s an excerpt here:

Otherwise, I dream of one day writing some funnier oneshots on ModernAUs, wild AUs, wild crackships, parodies and others. Of course all still centred around the 15th century. I’ll title this series ‘The Rose of Ruin, The Duke of Claret, The White Bore and other tales’.

Prompts?: Sure, I enjoy this type of stuff. Though of course I cannot make any promises. I prefer making up the prompts XD. Can’t wait until the next Ficathon though!

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: I suppose the Elizabeth Woodville AU is the nearest thing that can be called an ‘upcoming work’ but it’s quite far into the future. At the moment I’m looking forward to updating my two other works (the next update being for A Bygone Era).

Oh god did I blab! Thank your for indulging me you two <4. Tagging: @malvoliowithin (my prompter), @seethemflying (the lovely fulfiller of my Ficathon prompt), @richardgloucesters @nuingiliath @branloaf @kafkastan @shredsandpatches @allegoriesinmediasres @unheroyouracademia

[miss-pearlescent]

Tag Team (Xᴹ)

Chapter: I II IIIᴹ IV V VI VII VIII IX Xᴹ

ᴹThis chapter contains mature content.

Kai tugged at the bowtie around his neck. It had been a long evening. Hours of speeches, food, music, and dancing. He had played his guitar for his now-favourite couple and pulled his girl out to the dance floor. He had met a hundred new faces tonight at this anniversary party, and though it was nice to see kind faces, Kai was ready to head home.

“Ready to go?”

Relief washed over him as Joori appeared out of nowhere with a small glass of water. She always seemed to know what he was thinking at exactly the right time. He downed the water and pulled her along.

She ducked her head into car that waited outside and gathered her puffy blue skirt in after her. It was a dress that belonged to Jongin’s wife but Joori made it her own by adding twinkling lights along the hem. To Kai, she looked like a little fairy.

Climbing into the back seat after her, Kai finally took off the bowtie that had been suffocating him all night. Joori took it from him as he put on his seat belt. “This looked really good on you.”

He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “And this looks stunning on you,” he said, running a finger through the light fabric of her dress.

Joori giggled and tapped his hand. “I’m trying to give you a compliment here. You did really well tonight and I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

Kai scratched his neck as he tried to process her words. It was strange to accept words of affirmation for things that weren’t his brute strength. It was all he had been known for on the farm and in the labs. Now he was playing music and dressing up? It was a big change.

“You don’t have to play your guitar in public if you don’t want to, Kai,” Joori said softly, placing a gentle hand on his that was still absently toying with her skirt. “Thank you for doing it tonight.”

He turned his hand over and wrapped her small fingers in his. “No need to thank me. It was fun, and I think Jongin and his wife had a good time.”

Joori leaned on his shoulder. “Yeah,” she said wistfully. “Now they’ll be going on their trip and we’ll be all alone.”

Kai let his cheek rest on Joori’s head as he watched the roads go by. “It’s going to be fun. We can blast music as loud as we want.”

“Mhmm.” Joori was drawing little circles on his arm and the action made him sleepy. “You looked really good tonight, Kai.”

He let out a breathy little laugh as he muttered a thank you. It was still difficult to take compliments but he had to practice. Joori was dishing them out tonight so he had better learn quickly.

-

Joori sat on the edge of her sofa bed and scrunched the chiffon of her blue dress in her hands. She couldn’t understand it.

Why didn’t Kai want to have sex with her?

Not that she had explicitly proposed the idea to him, but she had been throwing out hints for the past week. She even said the l-word to him and he still didn’t do anything more than just a few kisses.

Meanwhile, here she was, imagining him kidnapping her to his jail cell of a room back at the laboratory and taking her from behind while she was still cuffed. Each time she moved, the spikes would dig into her more so she had to stay still and let him take her.

“Good girl,” imaginary Kai would say.

She groaned.She was the dictionary definition of Sexually Frustrated.

And tonight? When he wore that suit with that bowtie? Playing that guitar so softly with his thick fingers? Her legs almost gave out at the thought that he could use those fingers on her.

But he wouldn’t!

She had one last trick up her sleeve tonight. If it didn’t work, she would rest and play the rest of the week by ear. After all, Jongin and his wife were going to be gone for a week. The house was going to be No Man’s Land.

Right on time, Kai came down to her basement lab and Joori didn’t waste any time at all.

“Will you help me get out of my dress?”

Kai skidded to a stop, literally. His socks slid on the floor as he stared at her as if she had asked the wrong person.

Joori bit her lip. “These lights were a last minute addition and I’m not certain that they won’t short circuit on me.”

He cleared his throat and nodded, coming over to her side but not making any eye contact.

Joori felt the frustration bubble up again. She’d never been touched by a man before but she’d seen it in movies. The man never looked uncomfortable by a woman’s advances unless he didn’t find her attractive.

Was she unattractive in Kai’s eyes now that he had met all these women who worked in espionage?

Hurt lanced through her and she stepped out of Kai’s reach right as he reached for her zipper. He met her with a confused look on his face.

“Kai, do you want to have sex with me?”

He paused and his jaw fell open. Then he snapped it shut and then opened it again. “I...”

Joori gulped as her eyes began to sting. “Please answer me truthfully. If I asked you to have sex with me, would you do it?”

Kai ran a hand through his hair, messing it up to make him look even hotter. How was that possible? “Why are you asking me this, Joori?”

Her shoulders slumped. That wasn’t the answer she was looking for. She had wished for a whirlwind romance, and she had gotten that. But she didn’t realize until now that she wished for the physical aspect of it too.

“Come here,” Kai muttered and pulled her to his chest. “Is that why you’ve been complimenting me all night? Because you wanted to get into my pants?”

Joori pressed her forehead to his white button-up. “Maybe,” she said, dejected. “But also because you deserve them.”

“And would you like to be rewarded for them?”

Joori pulled back and looked up. She saw the heat in his eyes but she shook her head, pressing the little creases on his shirt. “I don’t want to be rewarded for them. I just want...you. And I want you to want me.”

Instead of tamping down the heat in his gaze, her words seemed to increase it tenfold. “You think I don’t want you?”

“Well, I know you do, logically.” After all, they had been spending every minute of everyday together. Training together, eating together, sleeping together. “But physically...”

He pulled her closer and pressed a hand to her butt. “You think I didn’t want you all day as I saw you in your fairy princess gown dancing away at the party? You thought I didn’t want to flip your twinkling skirt up and put my face between your thighs?”

“Kai...” She sucked in a breath. “You’re just saying stuff now.”

“Then how should I show you?” He began gathering the fabric of her dress in his hands, lifting it higher and higher. He reached underneath and kneaded her stockinged thigh. “I’ve been stopping myself for weeks because I don’t want to push you. I am much bigger than you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Joori’s eyes widened. Hurt her? “You’d never hurt me.”

Kai grabbed her thigh and hooked it over his hip, pressing her close enough to feel his length bulging through his pants.

Oh. “You are...big.” Is that what he meant by hurting her?

He barked out a laugh. “This is what you do to me, and I’m only half hard.” He ground against her and she had to clutch onto his shoulder before her leg turned to mush. “Every night you always love to grind your butt against me, nearly making me come. Do you understand how torturous that is?”

She licked her legs as the throbbing increased between her legs. “I watch you practice your guitar everyday and that’s torture for me.”

He stopped and pulled back, cradling her neck as he fixed her with a confused look. “How?”

Joori bit her lip and rolled her hips along his length. “Because I want those fingers to play with me...down there.”

Suddenly, Joori was spun around and bent over the arm rest of the sofa. Her flouncy skirt was flipped over her head and her feet were dangling off the floor.

“Is it true the lights in your dress can short circuit?” Kai asked as he rubbed her hip, his thumb pressing into her ass.

“No,” she confessed.

He rewarded her confession with a light tap on her flesh that made her gasp. Did he almost spank her just now? “I knew my girl wouldn’t allow something like that to happen. You’re too smart for that.”

She squirmed because she loved it when he called her his girl. In the beginning, he would let it slip and often correct himself. But now he was owning it.

And owning her.

“Is this what you think about when you see me playing guitar?” He slid a rough finger down her slit. That alone made her whole body shudder. “My god, you’re wet.”

She felt her underwear being pulled to the side and braced her arms on the sofa. She couldn’t see anything so she held her breath, waiting for the penetration.

But then he softly traced a circle around her clit and the air was squeezed from her lungs in a small whimper.

“Relax,” he told her. “We have all week.”

She moaned and suddenly wished she could see him right now. See his expressions, what he was going to do next. But the skirt was in the way.

“Good, keep making those noises. I didn’t know my quiet tech girl was so vocal.” He continued the soft little circles and gently massaged up her slit too.

Joori panted loudly, knowing full well she was dripping down her thigh already. “Please keep talking. Anything,” she begged. She wanted to know that he was enjoying it too.

“Like what?” he teased as his thumb pressed inside, stretching her for him. “Like how badly I want to stuff you with my cock? Or how I wonder what it would be like if we were back in my cell, with you cuffed up?”

She gasped and could feel her walls tightening around his thumb down there. No way was he having the same fantasies as her. She was going to come any second at the thought of him tossing and turning in bed because he wanted to fuck her while she was cuffed to his little cot.

“Ah, that excites you, doesn’t it?” His fingers kept at a firm rhythm on her clit, but he began a steady in and out of her core. She could hear the lewd sounds echo off the machinery in the room. “Does it excite you to know that I want to put cuffs on your ankles too? I want to force your thighs open and watch you try to stay still as I fuck you.”

It was so depraved but it was exactly what she needed to hear. Her cries were muffled by the dress but she squirmed relentlessly as heat coursed through her body.

“Should I take those cuffs off so you can come? I don’t want you to get hurt by those spikes if you won’t stay very still.”

She shook her head, arching her back so he had a better vantage point. “No, you won’t hurt me. I’ll stay still. Please, just fuck me. I need you.”

In a blur, Joori was flipped on her back, her ankles held in the air and a panting Kai whose hot gaze was fixated on her.

Joori watched, breathless as Kai ran his cock along her swollen core. “I want to watch you, Joori.”

He let her ankles fall, opening her thighs wide, but she still reached down with her hands, spreading her lips for him. If he wanted to watch, she could give him something to watch.

He groaned. “Wait.” He made another pass through her heat, flicking her clit with his tip, and she was so sensitive that she jolted from the sofa. “I bought some condoms. They’re upstairs. Let me just...”

He slid against her pussy again, wetting his length with her juices. He couldn’t seem to stop watching.

“It’s okay,” she said, gently running her fingers along the veins of his cock. “I made a patch that prevents pregnancy.”

Kai groaned again and she saw precum gathering on the very tip of him. “I don’t think you realize how hot you sound whenever you tell me about another one of your inventions.”

“Do I? I didn’t know—” Her words were cut off by a soft whimper as Kai entered her.

Her body didn’t seem to know what to do. She was halfway frozen between an orgasm and an out of body experience. He was filling her, bit by bit, and her blood pulsed through her veins, making her ultra-sensitive.

“Joori, breathe,” Kai bit out. “I’m barely in.”

She sucked in a breath of air and her whole body shook. She gasped for more air as she realized she was definitely having an orgasm.

“Oh shit, Joori.” Kai pulled away and scooped her up, climbing into the sofa bed with her. “Are you okay?”

She giggled as she caught her breath. “I think I just came.”

Kai tugged down her skirt and pulled the blanket up. “I think we should stop here for today.”

“Why?” Joori asked even as her eyelids began to get heavy. Orgasms always did that to her. “I can still go for more.”

“No rush. We have all week,” he said, smoothing a hand down her back and sending little shivers down her spine. “We have to practice getting used to each others’ size.”

She snuggled close and sighed. “Maybe I should make a replica of you,” she said, reaching down and sliding her hand to stroke him. “That way I can practice on my own time too.”

Kai pressed his lips to her neck as he pumped into her hand. His palm grabbed her leg, hiking it over his hip so he could pump against her too. “As long as you let me use that replica on you too, I’m down for it.”

She gasped as she guided his thick girth to her entrance, allowing it to penetrate her again. “How about both at the same time?” She was having a hard time keeping up with the fantasy as he thrust his hips forward, stretching her and hitting the good spot.

More like the good spots. Could it be that she had more than one? Because every stroke seemed to trigger a different pleasure point and yet he wasn’t even all the way in. The thought that there was so much left to explore made her arch her back.

“With the cuffs?” he asked, wrapping his strong fingers around her wrist in a tight vice.

Joori cried as a second orgasm peaked over her and she clung to him, the image was too much. Her, shackled to a bed and at Kai’s will with his amazingly monstrous cock and a replica of it to use at his own discretion?

Kai made a final thrust in her hand, pushing just past the entrance of her throbbing, swollen pussy and shooting his seed all over her.

Eyes barely open, Joori swung her arms around Kai’s neck. “If I had to invent the perfect boyfriend, he’d be you.”

“One more compliment and I’m not going to let you rest tonight.” He chuckled and rearranged the blankets around her shoulders. “Sleep, my naughty girl.”

---

OK that is the end :3 This couple was really fun to write and I hope they were as fun to read! I almost didn’t write a smutty chapter for them because this couple was just super wholesome, but I had to do it! I had to!!!! ^^ Thank you all for joining me on this little story since September. I wrote most of this in one sitting (a manic period, indeed) so I don’t remember much of it at this point but all your comments and messages are really uplifting to read <3

Please look forward to other things coming up! (Though with my schedule, who knows when that might be n___________n;; hehe) Have a great weekend everyone and I hope y’all are enjoying the weather wherever you are because I am stuck in a snow storm (ahem, Search Through the Universe 2.0)

[buckyspetpsychopath]

We’re perfect

David dobrik x reader

Vlog squad

A/N: this was requested, and I wrote this from my phone notes so I hope this is ok! 😊

Masterlist

I open the door to David’s house instantly hearing the laughter and chatter. I smile and walk in and over the the living room where everyone was sprawled out. Carly is the first to notice me there and smiles, getting up to hug me. I go around the room giving people hugs after not seeing them for a week. When I make it to David the first thing I notice is his pissed off expression. Everyone falls back into their own conversations as I sit myself down on davids lap like I usually do.

“What are you doing here?” He hisses and I’m a little taken back.

“Uhm I texted you. But you didn’t respond and I saw on Instagram that people were here and I haven’t seen you for a couple days so I thought I’d come over.” I mumble and he scoffs.

“When I didnt respond wasn’t that an indicator that I didn’t want you to come. You’re always here, I need some space” he whines pushing me off him onto the couch next to him. My eyes fill with tears but I look away from him.

“Fine, whatever have your space I don’t care” I hiss back at him quietly before standing up. I cough a little to choke back my tears. “Uhm. I just realised, Ive got somewhere I need to be and I’m gonna be late so I’ll see you guys later” I announce to everyone and a round of see you laters arise.

“Will we see you tonight?” Corinna asks and my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Tonight?” I trail off and everyone seems to look at each other oddly.

“The party? Here...” heath exclaims, assuming I’d know there was a party thrown by my boyfriend at his house. I clench my jaw and look towards David. He sinks deeper into the cushions and I scoff.

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Uhm, I’ll try and make it over” I say and everyone woohs. David makes no effort to say goodbye to me so I storm out the door and go home.

I spend the next few hours getting ready, making sure to look extra good. When it’s time to go I uber over to davids, not taking the chance of driving and being too drunk to drive home. The music is thumping as I step out of the Uber, thanking the driver. I walk up the path and open the door. The party was in full swing. A lot of people fill the house making it smell of sweat, alcohol and pizza but it’s nice. Everyone is chatting or dancing. I look around for David but can’t seem to find him when I feel a tap on my back. I turn around and my eyes widen. One of my best friends from back home is standing in front of me.

“Dylan!” I squeal and dive into his arms. He spins me around and I giggle. He sets me down again and I furrow my eyebrows. “Not that I’m not excited you’re here but why are you here?” I question and he smirks holding his hand up. I see a ring on his engagement finger and my jaw drops. Him and his boyfriend have been dating for around 5 years- high school sweethearts I guess.

“I’m engaged bitch” he grins and I jump up and down like a kid.

“Wait what? When? How? Who proposed to who? I better be a bridesmaid” I ramble and he holds my shoulders stopping me from talking. I had caught the attention of a couple of people and they look over curiously.

“I proposed to him and obviously he said yes. Of course you’re my best man- woman” he says and I grin flinging my arms around him.

“Where is Adam?” I ask before I feel arms wrap around my waist spinning my around. I squeal and laugh as they set me down. I turn and see Adam with three plastic cups in his hand.

“Hey, I was getting us drinks” he smiles and then sees liquid on the floor that used to be in the cups from when he spun me around. He shrugs and wraps his arm around me looking down at me. “Did he tell you?” He asks and I nod.

“Congratulations” I smile hugging him properly.

“We need to get a picture so I can post my congrats on Instagram” I laugh and they roll their eyes. We go off to find a nice place for a picture. I call Natalie over as she is closest to me and ask her to take a couple pictures, she agrees immediately.

We take one normal smiling photo before we take a couple goofy ones. We finally take one that we’re all happy with and thank natalie.

“Hey, who are those guys?” Mariah asks.

“Ohh. It’s not like that. They’re gay, they’ve just gotten engaged! They’re my friends back home. I don’t know who invited them here but here they are” I smile.

“Oh. I mean we knew you’d never cheat on David but it looked a bit suspicious until you explained” Liza exclaims and I laugh.

“No other than a real drunk night in high school involving a game of truth or dare when Dylan and I had to kiss- there’s nothing there, he’s completely gay and infatuated with Adam.” I grin.

“And you’re too infatuated with David to even comprehend the glares he’s sending you right now” Kristen giggles pointing behind me at David, who was in fact staring at me angrily. He rolls his eyes when we make eye contact and stumbles off with his camera.

I sigh and follow after him. He stands alone in a secluded part of the kitchen.

“Hey I was looking for you where have you been” I smile trying to lighten his mood.

“Sure, you didn’t seem to be looking for me. Had your hands all over those guys. I mean what the fuck. If you’re gonna cheat on me, don’t do it right under my fucking nose. Wait until your in private, slut” he spits and my eyes widen. He bumps my shoulder roughly as he passes me and makes me topple over, slicing my palm open.

“Wow David calm down bro” heath jumps between us.

“David, you need to go cool off” zane pushes him away as he stands looking at me angrily, unfazed by my bleeding hand. Natalie rushes over with a kitchen towel wrapping it around my hand. I look at David hurtfully.

“What the fuck? I didn’t do anything wrong. If you took any notice of me at all you’d know they’re my friends-who are gay and also engaged. You’ve been too busy ignoring me all night and for the past week at that. If you’re gonna break up with me just do it like a man. Now. Don’t be a pussy and drag it out” I yell at him. His eyes widen and he steps towards me, I flinch and move behind Scott. The most pain I’ve ever seen flashes behind davids eyes in that moment.

“Are you scared of me?” He mumbles. By now, the music had been turned off and everyone was watching our argument. I avoid eye contact with him as a tear slips out. My hand is throbbing and I look down at it, the blood has soaked throw the towel.

“Fuck, can someone please help me clean my hand” I sob. A couple people step foraward but David beats them to it.

“Let me do it” he states. Zane and Scott look at me for confirmation. “Oh come on. I’m not gonna hurt her.” He groans. “Just let me help you, please” he chokes out, looking directly at me now. I bite my lip and nod. We silently go into the bathroom as he seats me on the counter. He closes the door and reaches down under the sink to retrieve the first aid kit. He pulls out the supplies and silently starts cleaning the cut. I hiss but he continues.

“I’m sorry” he whispers.

“That’s your apology” I roll my eyes.

“I wasn’t finished.” He grits. “Im sorry for how I’ve been treating you, it was killing me ignoring you.” He states.

“Then why were you? And what’s with all the stuff tonight, you’d know I’d never cheat on you”

“I just... it’s gonna sound so stupid.” He sighs running a hand through his hair. He’d finished bandaging my hand now, it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, so I put my hand on his cheek. He sighs leaning into my touch. “I was avoiding you, and being mean to you because I was falling for you -way too hard and way too quick.” He exclaims and I stay silent, nodding for him to continue. “I just... with Liza, it took me so long to fall in love. Not for any reason, we just took things slow. And she’s the only real girlfriend I’ve ever had. Then when I met you, I fell so so hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I got scared, things were moving too quick between us, I panicked” he shrugs.

“I think things are just fine. So what if we’re moving a little fast, we’re at the right pace for us” I smile softly.

“I know it’s only been 4 months but I’m in love with you” He whispers.

“I’m in love with you too” I whisper back after a moment of processing his words. He looks relieved as he places a deep kiss on my lips. “I’ve missed that” he grins moving into kiss me again. We pull away from each other with little grins that cannot seem to leave our faces. I hop off the counter and lace my non bandaged hand in his as we leave the bathroom. Our immediate friend group are sat in the living room- most likely trying to hear our conversation and hopefully failing. Everyone else had left.

“We sent them home” Todd speaks up when they see our confusion. We both nod and David pulls his hand away from mine, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him. He leaves a kiss on my forehead as a small grin makes its way onto my face.

“Sooo you guys are ok?” Carly asks, speaking up for everyone. I look up at David and smile making him lean down and kiss my nose.

“Yeah were good” I confirm and everyone let’s out a sigh of relief.

“I thought we were gonna have to choose between you guys and I couldn’t do that” zane sighs dramatically making me giggle.

“We’re good” I repeat looking up at David again.

“We’re perfect” davids smiles pulling me close to him again. A warmth spreads through my chest and I feel like a little girl who’s crush just admitted that he likes her back- all giddy. Everyone starts filing out and then it’s just me, David and natalie. Natalie heads to her room and David and I head off to bed.

“What you’re not gonna edit anything?” I ask, which is seemingly all he does lately, he barely sleeps. He shakes his head.

“I don’t have to post until tomorrow, and I wanna spend some time with my girl tonight” he states, bringing my hand up to press a kiss to my bandage and I blush. The warmth rising in my chest again and butterflies rushing through my stomach when he calls me his girl.

“I love you” I whisper.

“Im never gonna get tired of hearing that, i love you too, let’s go to sleep” he laughs pulling me over to his bed to cuddle.

[comicteaparty]

April 1st-April 7th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from April 1st, 2020 to April 7th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

How do you feel about creators spoiling their own stories, and how does it effect how you read the comic?

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

As someone who's both reader & a creator, it can be really hard to restrain giving spoilers. But it could also be that they are excited to make this story and they wanna 'get to the spoilers' really soon. But if you are such creator, an idea is to find friends whom you can trust, don't mind giving critique/give spoilers to. As a reader it can be slight disappointment to learn about spoilers in a comic you were invested in and still reading. At this point, I might think, I'm going to get out of the conversation on the spoilers and wait until more content is made(edited)

DanitheCarutor

Being someone who was raised by a parent who wanted me to spoiler movies for them if I saw it first, I don't care about stories being spoiled for me. Experiencing the scene is usually very different than being told what it is, also once I get to that spoiled scene I've already forgotten about it thanks to my Quality short-term memory. Honestly, I would totally go all out spoiling my own comic, but I know most people hate that stuff so I don't out of respect. There have been a few times when I've talked about spoilery stuff not really knowing if it would be considered a spoiler, or because I'm talking about something else that is related and I have to spoil a bit for the topic.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Personally it depends on how plot heavy the spoiler is. If it's something like what food/clothing/interests the characters have, I don't mind so much. But if it's something like who is going to die, who falls in love with who....I think the experience would be slightly more diminished.

Like @Joichi [Hybrid Dolls] said, I usually share the spoilers only with close friends, particularly those who know how to give their input. It's important to get feedback, but choosing who you tell is very important.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I’m very protective of story details. I don’t want people to know any of what’s going to happen in my story. I like having secrets

I don’t really mind hearing spoilers myself much of the time because I mostly enjoy stories by looking at all the events in the story together. If I know all the events sooner that often lets me enjoy it sooner

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I usually don't care that much about spoilers, unless it's about character death or something. Usually, I try to avoid them like the plague, just in case, but I don't really care that much.(edited)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Personally, on other people's comics, I usually only refer to what's in the comic proper. Not too fond of having to read supplemental material, like creator QA's.

I know they can be nice for some readers, but I genuinely don't like it when the knowledge established in a QA or so is assumed to be known in the comic proper without ever being mentioned there.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm having difficulty articulating my reasons, but for me, the creator spoiling things is different from a reader spoiling the same things. And reader-supplied spoilers can also be VERY different based on context and tone. I hate it when people spoil things for others out of malice (like when people were buying ad spaces, just after that one Harry Potter book came out, to broadcast [THIS IMPORTANT CHARACTER] DIES!!!!), even if I don't care about the work being spoiled.

Going back to creator-supplied spoilers........ it's something I can't relate to, as a creator myself? (Sharing spoilers in private is one thing, but if they're posting it in public...) This is going to sound negative and I apologize in advance. When I see a creator laying out the big spoilers in public, it makes me worry that maybe they prefer to talk instead of actually making the comic -- that maybe they won't make it to the ending. I'm happy to be proven wrong, of course. And there is no shame in dropping a comic before you get to the end (I've done that myself!). But yeah, public spoilers is one of those things that makes me worry.(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

^My thoughts exactly. It worries me in exactly the same way.

Deo101 [Millennium]

when it comes to reading spoilers, Ive never really minded. Granted, I'd rather have spoilers more towards "what to expect" because I otherwise will get a lot of anxiety. A bit of the way in, I want to know if something is going to be worth my time to get invested into, or if I should ignore the stress and just be along for the ride. Being told things like "this is a tragedy and you shouldnt expect to have a happy ending" and "everything will work out in the end" really calms me down when I'm reading. Getting small spoilers about character things, inconsequential plot stuff, etc. don't really bother me at all, but yeah I'm with keiiii where if someone is sharing the ending of their story halfway through I worry theyre not interested in actually working to get there.

I'll personally share in small private settings whatever people want to know, but I refuse to in a public setting share what I'd consider to be a big spoiler. I'll share small character things or vague plans and some worldbuilding stuff, but I don't see those as spoilers really.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The "what to expect" thing is a really great topic though. I would love to discuss it in depth in shop talk when the caffeine kicks in

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Ooh me too. I drop some future story features in my About page - very broadly. But it's more of a pitch than an outright spoiler. It requires some vagueness to be effective.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

@Deo101 [Millennium] Setting expectations correctly is very different from spoilers, I think, and more in direction of "what genre does that story fall under". Like a romance means happy (for now) ending for the main couple - even if you might end up disagreeing if an ending is happy.

It ain't a spoiler that a space opera has some kind of space travel, that kind of thing.

For me spoilers tend to cover plot specifics, not genre and general tone. That's setting expectations.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, but a lot of people really don't like to say that their story is gonna be a tragedy because they dont want to spoil that people are gonna die or whatever

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

That's... bad marketing.

Deo101 [Millennium]

it happens constantly

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I agree that a lot of times what creators share is basically bonus plot info, or extra details, or even warnings. I actually haven't really ever gotten a major spoiler from a creator.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Mind you, you can have people die without being a tradgedy, see the majority of epic fantasy.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

(On a side note, I have spoiled 100% of the plot of my comic to very specific close people in my life, but I don't know if that counts.)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I don't think there is a single person to whom I've spoiled 100% and I'm jelly of those of you who have Story Confidantes!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Honestly SOs and close siblings are a GODSEND

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm close with my bro, but he's not into the kind of stuff I write. (might be getting off topic?)

RebelVampire

Yeah I do want to remind again here this should be about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. And I know there can be a bit of bleed over, but there's a point where the focus changes too much.

RebelVampire

I think this depends on who it's being spoiled to. If creators want to spoil their stories to close personal friends in private convos, I think that's A-okay. Even as a writer I do that, because it's good to have people to bounce ideas off of. And I think for more creators it's the same. Also, sometimes you just want to have a fun chat to de-stress and it's easier with people who you can tell all your secrets too. If it's being spoiled to people who asked for spoilers, that's also another matter where I think it's mostly fine. In fact, depending on what's spoiled, it can really help drive engagement. For example, if a comic is "spoiling" lore that has a significant bearing on the plot without revealing the exact how of it all. However, then we come to the matter of major public spoilers, which there are tons and tons of creators who do this. On the one hand, that's the creator's right to do so, so a part of me feels like embracing the can't be helped mindset. But, if I'm being brutally honest, as a reader 90% of the time it just kills all engagement with the story for me. I mean, what's the point of reading the story if I can just find out everything in a fraction of the time? Plus, for me personally, I enjoy theorizing and trying to guess events, mysteries, etc. And if I'm being told the answers, that basically ruins like 80% of how I engage with content. I'm also confident I'm not the only reader who feels this way, so personally speaking I don't think it's a wise decision no matter how juicy or agonizing it is to hold in the spoiler.

Feather J. Fern

For me, spoilers don't mean much. I'm still going to read the comic regardless. Now I spoiling something is funnier, because it takes me forever to get to the section which I spoiled, so something I spoiled would take a year to get to, and then everyone forgot the spoiler anyways. XD

I have already spoiled endings to my friends about one of my comic projects, and three months in they are already like "I forgot about that." So maybe it's just my readers haha.

DanitheCarutor

@keii’ii (Heart of Keol) About the talking vs. finishing the comic thing. If I decided to spoil it would be because I was impatient to discuss. Like, right now I have the worst itch just to talk about the climax and ending to discuss all the little details, what I could do better next time, if I should put trigger warnings on specific chapters, and/or how my readers feel. Would it keep me from making it to the end? Nah, executing and seeing the results are not the same as describing them. The emotions a reader has can change vastly when they experience an event vs. read a description, it's not as fulfilling... or as painful. At least that is my perspective, neither I nor my readers would get the full experience from me describing a major event/ending. I don't know how it would be for other creators though. Lol

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, it's definitely a case by case thing.

DanitheCarutor

Pff yeah, I imagine some people are less anal about execution than I am.

eli [a winged tale]

Great discussions here! If I’m the reader, I’d prefer not to be spoiled and enjoy the story as is. It helps me as both a consumer and a creator to see how the plot twists are planted and revealed. As a beta reader, though, I would need to know the story to give suggestions on how to execute said spoilers but this is more of a creator-to-creator basis. I totally get the itch to share and I think having betareaders/comic confidantes are great for satisfying that need while getting constructive ways to evaluate them.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Agreed. I think having at least one person within your reader circle who is privy to deeper details can be very helpful, both for editing and for motivation Especially if there are story details that won't be shared for years. It's a good way to prevent 'leakage'

DanitheCarutor

I need to get myself a confidant, not only would it help the itch but talking about it would probably help me better fill in the small details. There was a rl friend I had who got too busy and lost interested, and someone online who I talked to about smaller stuff, but I don't like bothering people. Especially since my comic is sooo... my comic. Lmao!

Gosh, I would be the perfect person for someone to confide in about their comic, I would totally forget about the spoilers after waking up the next day.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Tbh I don't mind if a story is spoiled to me. I'm the type of person who is like "okay so that's how it ends? How does it get there?" and I would be more upset if the creator spills those important parts that reach the end result. Though, when explaining my comic plots and details to my irl friends and beta readers, it's more of a planning session than things said in stone. Basically if it's something that I've not written down and could be a spoiler, yet I talk about it and those spoiler squeals aren't in the final scripts though. If it's an important detail and is a spoiler, I will withhold that information till the time comes.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I don't know what I'd think because I've never seen a webcomic I liked share spoilers before. I get the feeling that a "serious" writer would keep their twists private because they know they can show their plot better than they can tell it, if that makes sense. Even Sfeer Theory, a comic I really like that iirc did much of its brainstorming online, shut down their old worldbuilding posts once they got their actual comic started.

varethane

Personally, I'm not hugely opposed to spoilers, though it depends on the context. A lot of new webcomics when they're just started out will often only be able to market themselves with illustrations of scenes or dynamics that haven't quite happened yet, just by virtue of being so early on, and that's fine-- though increasingly less necessary the more Comic is released. The only kind of spoiler I might be actively mad about is if a comic whose appeal hingest largely on a central mystery or suspense spoiled The Answer, but I feel like most of the writers creating stories like that are conscious of this and keep that sort of thing under lock. There's also a big reason why I personally try not to share spoilers (and why I try not to put much stock by any spoilers I see posted by other webcomic creators, in case their process is like mine)-- which is that, basically anything that is more than a month ahead of the pages I've already drawn, is very likely to change substantially. I rewrite future plot points all the dang time. So if I shared something as a 'spoiler', there's only a 50/50 chance of that plot point actually coming to pass (unless it's one of the 4/5 big central plot linchpins); any readers waiting for it may come away disappointed, lol.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Def agree with Vare on this one. However, sometimes when a writer tells details to the point of no surprise in the comic whatsoever, that usually breaks immersion and interest for me. I've had a couple stories stagnate from having their plots revealed by the writer, and when the story hinges on that being a selling point, it tends to be very dissapointing to have done. Unless the story is character driven/ has characters charming enough to capture readers, i would def avoid spoiling the main plot points of the story if they can

eli [a winged tale]

I feel like anything in act 1 is technically not a spoiler since in books, the blurb encompasses act 1 even the beginning of act 2.

RebelVampire

Once again I'm popping in here to remind people this chat is primarily to talk about experiences as a reader, not as a creator. So let's not go too far into creator territory here.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

It's hard to say how I'd feel because I don't really see writers post, like "X dies in the end" or whatever. Like it's not that common an occurrence, at least for comics I follow. What is common in my experience is creators posting ship art for characters that haven't shown up yet (thus spoiling that these are characters who will show up at some point, and at least have some interaction with each other). And with regards to that... I dunno. Like, my mentality as a reader/watcher of things is that a character doesn't "exist" until I see them in the story. Like, if I see a character in an anime OP, I'll be like "oh that character looks cool, I can't wait until I meet them". That is, I don't consider myself as having "met" them yet - I need the story as context. (for the record, that's true for me as a creator too - i know plenty of creators figure out their OCs' personality & backstory first before figuring out what sort of story they work in, and that's valid, but I can't imagine working like that) So anyway, to me creators posting OC art before they appear in the story is less "oh, i've been spoiled on what these OCs will do" and more "oh, i can't wait to read the story that these characters are involved in"

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

[danaej6-blog]

Chocolate and Vanilla

Chocolate & Vanilla 

  Though Paige was all in tears and I looked pretty sad, from what everyone else could see, I was actually filled with joy. Finally, that girl is gone! I thought. Little does she know that the whole year of “friendship” we had meant nothing to me. Faking it was all to easy and fun, but now I had the chance to find a friend that actually cared. Paige wanted to just laugh and be crazy, but Paige’s kind of crazy was annoying. That one year with her seemed like an eternity. She always called me Laidy, no matter how many times I told her to call me Adalaide. I tried to gather up some tears to make a very sad goodbye. I mean I guess I would miss her kind words, and thoughtfulness. If you couldn’t catch that I was being sarcastic. Anyways we hugged, and she got into the van for the airport. She waved her little heart out while I just gave a little smile. Aaaaah freedom feels nice. 

It was that time again. School was starting and I was ready for a new year, and all the drama that came with it. I woke up at 6:45 as usual and got dressed. “Let’s see black, grey, white, or blue…… definitely black, and what goes better with a black shirt than a black pair of pants, and big pair of black boots, and black leather jacket!” I thought to myself, “Ok maybe I’ll wear a grey shirt.” I got my messy hair tied up into a ponytail. Then I ate some eggs and toast really quick. Popped earphones into my ears, pressed play and I was on my way. I hopped into my car, then drove off. I started to come up upon the school bus stop where I used to have to go to before I got my car, A girl with curly light brown hair a few inches past her shoulder shoved her books into her bag. She had these black ballet flats on, skinny jeans, and a light turquoise shirt. She started running after the bus, but it zoomed off and didn’t stop. She slowed down to a walking pace. Though I was going to the same school, I wasn’t really the helping others type of person.  I kept driving, and wondered if I would end up actually seeing her at school or not. 

At school we were all assigned classes, then sent off to our first class. The girl that was left by the bus driver ended up being in two of my classes, and apparently her name was Lacy. She is a new student, but seems pretty cool. At the math class our teacher told us that there would be a test and I we didn’t get past a certain grade we would go down a grade for math! I have never been to good at math, but I definitely do not want to go down a grade. School ended and I headed to my car, and to my luck the car wouldn’t start. Perfect! I called a mechanic, and I was just dreading what the cost might be. I leaned against my car waiting, by the time the mechanic got there everyone had already left school. It took a full two hours for whatever the problem was to fixed. It was starting to get dark so I got in my car and looked in the rear-view mirror, and to my surprise there was someone walking into the school wearing a black hoodie. I slowly got out of my car and shut the door silently, and walked toward where the mysterious person entered. Once I got to the hallway I was shocked to see Lacy doing something to the vending machine. Somehow, she was able to open the door to it and she grabbed a bunch of snacks and drinks and put it into a bag. I quickly hid behind the wall, and she started walking to the exit. She had almost made it out before I stepped out. 

“What are you doing here?” She didn’t even look back before she bolted out as fast as she could. I ran after her. My boots hit the ground with power when, I reached out and grabbed her arm, as  I did we both flailed to the ground. 

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” she screamed struggling, and trying to get out of reach. “I don’t need your help!” 

“Where do get the idea that I am trying to help you?!”,“I don’t help anyone but myself!” I didn’t really care what she was doing, but I mean it seemed dangerous, and dangerous means fun, to me. 

“Ok you’ve caught me, but this is the only way I can survive I don’t have parents that feed me and take care of me like everyone else.” She said solemnly. “l live off the vending machine and sleep wherever I can find a place, then I go to school and pretend I am like everyone else.” 

“Cool.” 

“NO! NOT COOL!” she screamed at me. “I am living on my own with no place to go, and barely any money!” 

“Sounds adventurous!” I said excitedly, it would be my dream to be out on my own, not knowing what might happen next. I don’t know why I never tried it before, just running away with no plan at all. 

“You really don’t get it, do you?” she replied. Maybe I didn’t get it, but her life seemed so much more interesting than mine.  

“You wanna do something fun?” I asked her. I don’t know what went through her head when she made a lot of facial expressions. 

‘I don’t think that is a good idea, don’t you have to go home anyways?” she said 

“Don’t worry about me.” I couldn’t care less if I got in trouble. I have spent too much time with such boring people. I wanna do something fun. 

“It depends on what your idea of fun is…” I could tell she was nervous to do anything crazy and life threatening, but I knew I might be able to convince her to do something anyway. 

“I promise you it’s gonna be fun. You’re not gonna die!” I said sarcastically. I waited for her response.  

“What do you have in mind?” she asked 

“Follow me!” I said as I started running towards the school. At first, I thought she wouldn’t come follow me, but then I heard her footsteps running behind me. Then when we made it to the main hallway of the school, I realized I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, that was supposed to be fun. Then I remembered the test that we had to take for math. The teacher said that the test is taken every year so they know where the students should be placed based on their math skills. That would mean the test is already somewhere in the school. “Come this way there is a teacher room at the end of the hall.” I said as I made my way down the hall. 

“Why are we going to the teacher’s room?” she asked me. 

“You’ll see” I said opening the door to some sort of teachers lounge. I soon as I got in I noticed a large beige file cabinet in the corner by a printer.  I started looking through stuff hoping I might be able to find the math test. 

“So, what are we doing here?” she questioned me. 

“I am looking for something.” 

“What are you looking for, I thought this was supposed to be fun?” 

“You wanna pass the math test tomorrow? We can find the test and we will pass easy peasy!” I said kind of excited. 

“I don’t think that is a good idea. Cheating is not right we shouldn’t do this. How can you call this fun?” 

“It is fun! Come on what does it matter anyways, you can do anything you want you live on your own just take the risk, the worst thing that could happen is you fail the test” 

“Fine, but if things get to dangerous I am out!” 

“Whatever. Just help me look.” We started to search again looking in cabinets and folders. And soon enough found it. 

“I think I found it!” Lacy said from across the room. I read the test to see if it was the one. It seemed like the right one, so I told Lacy to meet me at the bus stop early the next morning so that we could plan things out. Then I remembered that I should probably get home. I looked at my hone and my mom called me 16 times! I called her back and told her about what happened to the car, and hoped she wouldn’t suspect anything else. She seemed to be ok, but she was mad I didn’t say anything earlier. When I got home. I quickly went to bed. The next day I picked lacy up from the bus stop early in the morning.  We wrote out all the test answers on paper then put it in our shoes for safe keeping. The test would be the next period, and I told lacy to meet me at my locker right before math class. “Hey Adalaide, I don’t think we should do this.” She said.  

“Seriously you are backing out? Now, right before math class! I thought you were in this with me!” I said upset. I thought I could trust her to stick with me. 

“I am sorry but I cheating is wrong and I don’t care if I don’t get in trouble. I don’t wanna do it.” 

“Come on, don’t be a wimp. I worked hard to get this all ready. Why are you so afraid? Stop being afraid and just do it.” 

“Why does it matter so much to you whether or not I do this?” she questioned me. 

“Look, you told me yesterday that you were ok with this. Did you lie to me?!” I said kinda angry. 

“No…. it’s just…I……” she obviously didn’t know what to say. I don’t like it when people ditch me like that. 

“You seriously don’t know how to have any fun.” I said very disappointed. 

“What if we get caught?” she said. Obviously, we would go to detention and I’d probably get grounded for forever, but I’ve gotten worse punishments, and I wasn’t going to tell her that. 

“We aren’t going to get caught. Trust me. I have done this plenty of times before.” I lied, but seemed to be convinced. 

“You have to promise, if they find out I don’t have a real home they will put me in a home. I don’t want that to happen.” 

“Deal.” I said. Then I heard the bell ring and realized we were late to class. We ran down the hall as fast as we could, and hoped we could sneak into class quietly.  

“Adalaide and Lacy, you are late to class. Don’t let this happen again girls.” Our math teacher, Mr. Stan said stiffly when we entered the room. 

“No problem Mr. Stan, it won’t happen again.” I replied politely, then I walked to my seat and sat down. He then began to explain all about how the math test would work, and bla bla bla. I handed Lacy a paper of how she should answer the test questions. This way we wouldn’t have the same answers and we wouldn’t have all of our answers correct. It would be way to obvious if every answer was correct, and both of our tests were alike. After all the test papers were passed out I stuck the piece of paper with answers on it in my sleeve. The test began and I tried to be sneaky when looking at my answer sheet. Our teacher walked around the room slowly, but after a couple rounds he sat down at his desk. I thought that I would be safe after that, so I took the piece of paper out of my sleeve so I could see the answers better. I peered over to see how lacy was doing. She had her sheet of paper on her desk too. I looked back down at my paper, and it wasn’t long before I saw a shadow over my desk. I heard Mr. Stan clear his throat. I saw him look from Lacy to me. 

“Adalaide and Lacy! I am shocked!  Go to the office this instant!  You know better that to cheat! I am VERY disappointed!” He then grabbed our papers. We both looked at each other, and everyone was looking at us. We left the room and went to the principles office. We got detention and I was grounded forever.  The worst part about it was that Lacy was being taken away to an orphanage! I didn’t think that this could end so badly. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t pushed her into doing this she wouldn’t have been taken away. 

 I kept thinking about what happened with me and Lacy and I wanted to make it up to her, but I didn’t know how. Months later after the big cheating incident, and a lot of convincing, I got my parents to adopt Lacy! It was the perfect plan. Which means that we would be sisters I guess. I never had a sibling before and I was happy to know my adopted sister would be my best friend! We both learned our lessons and I drive her to school every day. Afterschool on Friday I wanted to do something special, so we went to Starbucks. We both got Frappuccino’s, I got chocolate and she got vanilla. The perfect pair.

The purpose of this piece was to write a story eligible for kids of ages 10 or 11 to read. The purpose was also to teach some sort of moral and have a lesson to be learned. I chose the story idea because it wasn’t the usual relatable story of a girl in school, the story was also on the point of view of the girl that was the “bad girl”, instead of the typical nice girl and all her problems. This is my best work because I planned out my characters before writing, and used that to think of a typical day for that person and I think it helped build their character. I put characters in situations which best show their character. My strength in this paper was my introduction. In my introduction I didn’t start by saying who the character is how old she is, I right away told a story about the character and what happened inn her past to show where she is now. My weakness was continuing the story’s plot while holding the character’s personality and keep the story interesting and exciting. I learned from this piece that you need to have a very clear and detailed plan of what you are going to write about and think of your characters and how they are going to act, respond to certain things, and their personality.  That’s when we jumped off the cliff and landed straight in the rushing waters of the waterfall things went blurry and suddenly my head lifted above the water. I looked round and above in the blue- sky eagles flew screeching out their songs.

[boyapologist]

i think part of the thing for phannies(me im talking about me) is that yeh, we used to freak out over rumors, but over times its just gotten more fun? like dnp used to commuicate pretty well so all rumors were teased by them or debunked by phandom fbi within hours. now, its more like rumors add drama, and since theres already so much tension within the phandom and some anger towards dan, everything is stepped on really lightly. (1/?)

"plus due to the history of the phandom and bad connotations from outside perspective, phannies nowadays tend to be very cautious about freaking out or investigating too throughly. me personally, i get both freaking the fuck out and watching myself. and also with the current lack of communication its really difficult to get super excited about anything that isn't confirmed. i definitely wouldn't say ive been here a long time(3 years) and by this point getting excited for things is a let down if dnp themselves haven't confirmed it 100%. also part of the rumors have been created/hinted at by dan and phil so that most of the dedicated audience isnt blindsided by goings on and has a idea of something before it is released. for example when tatinof/tabinof was released with no warning, as in no rumors before or any whispers of happenings, as far as i know people were not happy. personally i dont mind rumors as long as they dont hurt anyone and are fun to speculate.

btw i realize that ive sent a lot of shit and sorry... but you asked for my opinions so ima keep talking, feel free to ignore me... ive definitely been in other fandoms before, but and this is legit nothing like anything else. for one there is one pairing(unless you count the crack ships and fetus phan twitter interactions). i think part of the lesser reaction is because we dont want to get our hopes up. which is kinda a pessimist perspective.

my opinions on the book? im happy for dan, and im glad to know hes been doing SOMETHING. and i def know that inwill buy the book whenever it comes out. but i also know that it could be a mistake, put under the wrong author. or it could fall through. something ig i go by, is that if its not straight(ha) from dan(or phils) mouth the phandom is going to question the source and even the information. plus i think the excitement for the book is being overshadowed by the fact dan doesnt talk to us.

i love both dnp with my entire heart and the phandom helped my learn, grow and accept myself. but the rumor mill has been beaten to death and i think by this point people are wayy to tired and frankly apathetic to freak out. but know interally, everyone is excited to some degree"

---

firstly anon you go OFF writing an essay about how you feel, I love to hear people's views! this actually helped me a lot to put this into perspective.

It's kind of sad that the phandom got to a point that we can't just be happy about stuff, and I can see there's a lot of baggage and stuff holding everyone back. I think this is something we should all work on honestly, because a idol-fan relationship is STILL a relationship and it needs to be healthy, I guess?

but honestly this happens in every fandom. I just feel like phannies are the ones that hold the most grudges. There's so much fucked up stuff that happened in my other fandons and that we were able to let in the past.... I feel like phannies need to to breath a little and remember why we're all here.

(even if it's extremely difficult, I know for a fact it is. I was "out" of the taylor swift fandom for literally a year to reflect on everything that was happening and it was the healthiest choice ever.)

but I think as soon as this is actually announced (if it's even true) we'll be all collectively excited again. sure, there was some drama surrounding dan's coming out too, but at the end we were all just... happy. I hope whatever this project is can bring us together like that again, even if it doesn't lasts. I'm excited!

[decodervon]

Mean.

mean. it was mean and meant to provoke. it all hurts.

being honest isn’t a shield against being upset. that night with Kayla, I was honest and i knew it would upset you. do you remember how you treated me after i told you? i knew you would be mad. disappointed. sad. angry. i knew you’d feel those things and more and i still asked for more. i let you treat me however you wanted to treat me, because i knew what i did was wrong. ive kicked myself a MILLION times for that act and let you get in as many kicks as you wanted. just because you are honest, does not mean anyone has to be lenient in how they feel. thats a loss you have to accept and admit. its a permanent black mark on your record, and that’s just what it is. you can feel upset about having it pointed out, but its what. happened. hearing you almost OD on drugs is scary, and makes me mad, and disappointed, and angry. I KNOW you feel that way yourself, but you’ve gotten to feel that and process that already. this is still news to me. i’ve put so much time and care into you that i’m allowed to be angry. you don’t get to be angry about ME being angry about a dumb mistake you made. thats the sound of me CARING about you living and dying. a blackout is one step below hospitalization. thats SCARY to hear. what if i told you i did so many drugs i blacked out?? or how I was so drunk I dropped my bike on myself and then dropped it a second consecutive time till a stranger had to help me? see? its honest, and I fully expect you to be mad, scared. and disappointed in me. part of accepting responsibility for your shortcomings and failures is accepting that they ARE failures and if someone points them out or is disappointed in them, you have to accept that and make peace with it. if someone hates me or distrusts me for the mistakes I make... they have a right to. I have a right to be upset. your parents and the people who care about you have a right to be upset. you have a right to be upset when they do things that hurt themselves. please dont be so angry at me for caring about your well being.

i.. dont like manipulating people. it's like being good at kicking dogs. it's a way my intellect can be used to deceive people into actions they wouldnt normally. I dont morally like doing it. like I did manipulate megan to give me information.. I just asked. I wanted to know how you were. I am desperate for information about you because I'm still... addicted. I'm slowly reprogramming myself but it hurts. it hurts to know I spent so long suffering just to have to swallow that it's over. and moving on with our respective people hurts and proves that. there was a time where I was manipulating you and it was horrible. it makes me feel like that time I pressured you into sex. it feels gross and empty and I really dont want to resort to it if I can. my mom does it habitually because of whatever her trauma was growing up.. but I dont share her same wonton opinion of its use. I justified using it because I thought you were seeing someone behind my back... and I was right. that's what always killed me about that time. I was suspicious, i was controlling, and manipulative and I ended up being... correct to have tried to do so. it kills me when I go over it. but it's also true that none of that stuff helped. being suspicious made me distrustful. being controlling made it harder to believe you. and manipulation made me feel like nothing you said or did was authentic. there were BIG consequences to those actions, regardless of the situation. and none of them helped. maybe suspicion because that led me to finally outing you, but yeah. I promise, I dont want to go back to any of that. I am not trying to goad you out of any information and am happy to pay for it with information that you might want. its honorable and I dont have to feel so awful after.

I touched upon some of the feelings I felt about the tryst.. its.. I feel really complicated. I'm.. starved for physical affection. enough to throw money at randos for nudes (not a very proud moment for me [and while sex work is real work, I've usually done well enough to not have to patronize]) and would probably go way out of my way and spend myself too much for it. i... did have something physical with someone that was very brief but I don't want to get into it. I felt weird. it felt wrong and I wish it couldve been you. doesnt matter. what matters is I would spend myself much more than I should for some physical affection, especially if the person knew me and all my weird kinks. i.. wanted that from you for so long. not just the last few years. the whole relationship I wanted you to want me. i never felt like you really did. sometimes you did. moments. places. seconds. but i hungered for you. all the time. the second I decided I was in (roughly three months in) I never looked at you a different way. it didnt matter what your hair looked like, or if you had makeup, or if you weighed more or less... none of that mattered. I decided I was in and you were this.. bond I craved. I never knew how to get you to... want me sexually from a standing still point. I poured all of that desire into going down on you. into a mastery of manipulating you sexually until I could get you to cum as fast as a guy. I wanted you so bad. I wanted that.. reaffirmation of being sexually desirable. i wanted to feel attractive because that's the only way i ever FELT sexy. i wanted to be objectified by you because it made me feel good about myself. having this super hot girl treat me like my body was super hot? its was like drinking out of the holy grail of self-esteem. words are... ultimately meaningless to me. it's like. I have a certain experience and mastery where I understand that words are just... nothing. they're only the cardboard cut out of Meaning and the actions behind them, are what make them stand. you could tell me I'm Hot for 100 years and I'll shrug it off everytime. but to me, you dont fuck someone you dont find attractive. not if you have the choice.

to me you were always this stonewall. you knew the world wanted your body. no matter what you thought about it. you built up this stone face that I could never see past. I never thought my actions were good enough. it's why I always asked. why I always needed to check that I was sexually adequate enough. I felt like I was at arms reach. its felt like you were this quiet master. watching, waiting; judging. I wanted you to be vulnerable and weird and gross around me. I bring up one of my favorite all time sexual experiences with you as the time you came home drunk and had the loudest, grossest dirty talk session with me as we fucked and i loved it (for being super hot as well) because you were so... raw. you didnt care if I was into it or not. you didnt care what you said or how I responded. you just let loose and it was so honest and pure. it was the best sex because i actually felt close to you. I didn't have to ask if you liked it. didnt have to wonder for one second. I knew you got what you needed and in doing so, gave me what I needed. most of the time...sex felt like I was bothering you. like you just wanted to get it over with.

and the tryst is.. its. you spend so long feeling sexually unwanted and then these last years.. I don't really rank into your priority system. I haven't for a long time. It goes: Work>Burlesque>Family>Friends/Self-care>Cats>Me. I've had to compete against everything else in your life to just.. get a chance to see you. I'm publically banned from your house because of a relationship that came LONG before it, but we both know it's total bullshit since you still end up sneaking me in when it works into your schedule. I really wanted to show you that I wasnt just a mad, angry fucking asshole anymore. That I did have the capacity to trust. that I had more patience. but I had to fight against everything go even get a chance and you were barely willing to even see me. I just..

I'm not trying to point a finger. that's not what this is about. it's about realistic expectations and being logical. a tryst is a fun, secret idea. maybe I'll write a piece about it. I'm not saying you wouldnt put in work, but just like you dont trust me on certain things.. I dont trust you to either pencil me in or erase a plan and spontaneously appear. that has nothing to do with damages and more about character. you're someone who plans things. you like following a path. its comfortable for you. you can control it. I have always been the opposite. I am "I'll be there when I get there" and always got a secret place to show someone. I was the neighborhood kid on his bike looking for a hideout. control is.. an illusion. we are our truest selves when chaos hits. when all the plans fall apart. I like the concept of bailing on anything to go do something bad.

you're healing. I'm healing. I don't expect you to roll the dice on me and that's nothing if not just pragmatic. it gets me excited because /i/ would do something like that. like it's a hot idea to think about climbing up to your balcony for secret sex. would I ever do it? no. it's a huge violation of privacy and i already promised I would never intrude on your safe spaces. that is a gesture /i/ would like. not you. I've had so many times I've wanted you to just... show up somewhere for me. I remember ice skating alone on valentines day. I cry when I write that. you were with friends and we werent in a great way. but I showed up and I hoped you would and I got a "I would of but it's too late, I'm with my friends already" I couldve been with my biological father and still bailed for ice skating with you. and so I mean. I'm not saying you wouldnt do the the work or that I dont trust you. I'm saying the definition of Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. you're getting what you want out of someone else and I have nothing left to give. I'm sure you dont cum as hard for him, but give it time and direction and im sure that changes. everything I had or did is replaceable. repeatable. forgettable.

and both our relationships are fledgling. I know you care about him, but you're damaged like me. I know that its gratitude. it's like someone giving you a massage. you're thankful, but a connection that does not make. I'm not saying my situation is better, infact, its possibly worse. I'm involved with someone I've had a decade long crush on. who's choosing to mess with men again specifically due in part to ME. the idea of either one of us getting into something even partial meaningful is laughable and HIGHLY dangerous to those people who are involved. I'm taking things intentionally slow because I dont want this person to be a rebound. sex, affection, anything. I need to process before I dedicate myself to anyone. but you're having a much more casual and adult relationship. will it turn into something REAL? who can say. but regardless, it is a rebound. just like I was. and I had to fight tooth and nail through the first year due to your friends influencing you, you still fucking around with your ex (lol that's me now) and your general uneasiness to want to be official in an attempt to a real, honest relationship.

idk. maybe I'm reading into the fact that you dont care if "mystery man gets hurt". I am envious of your casual and open thing. I wish for the same, but the Universe apparently needed me to know that my longtime ultra crush was interested in me and.. I.. I couldn't turn it down. i need it after everything. i was almost driven crazy. the only thing that's missing is the physical part and im.. trying to keep it like that. I dont know why. I should take a page out of your book and just.. do it. you have that now. probably wasnt more than a couple of dates before, if that. I have this meaning and purpose associated with sex... and that's hard when you were in love with someone who felt differently. I wanted to be the one to take care of you. even if we werent doing well. just break it down to its physical components and go to town and just.. part ways after. no strings. but that's not something we could ever believe the other could do with one another. and it hurts.. a lot to know you're physically with someone else.

a lot.

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK]

It took me all night to stop feeling embarrassed about the scene Knives caused. Maybe deep down, I really did feel flattered that she cared this much, but it was buried under so much shame and annoyance that I couldn't even feel it accurately. Where did she get off inserting herself into my life as some weird kind of protector? Especially since I didn't need any protecting. At all. That was just some random crap I made up to make it clear that I wasn't interested in her hanging around and making me feel better. Not my fault she was too dense to realise.

A few days later, I saw her again. Just enough time to forget that the whole incident happened before I was freshly reminded because she came barging back into my life. Great.

"Are you stalking me?"

"What?" Knives asked, trying to casually drop down from the tree branch. She landed with a quiet tmp against the little patch of grass around the trunk, a would-be innocent smile playing across her lips. "Noooo… not at all."

"Because it feels like you're stalking me. And what's with that?"

"Nothing!" Her hand whipped to one side, throwing the binoculars so hard that they disappeared into the sky with a brief gleam. "Nobody was watching you since you left the house this morning, don't be silly!"

Sighing, I continued walking down the pavement. She kept pace with me; now that I'd found her out, apparently she had decided there was no point in keeping a low profile anymore. My hands clenched into fists in my hoodie pockets. "Fine. What do you want?"

"Well… I'm trying to do surveillance."

"Yeah, I got that."

"For the challenges? You know… see if I can tell from the outside anything more about what I'll face on the inside. So far, nothing obvious. But I wanna be ready!"

"For the imaginary challenges? Wow, quelle surprise."

"Are they imaginary though?" she breathed with a slight squinting of her eyes.

"Dude… you are so weird." For some reason, that made her grin at me, and I rolled my eyes. Didn't seem to be any point in trying to get rid of her anymore, so I just said, "I'm going to work. You won't have anything to do there but watch me watch old movies."

"I love old movies! Like, like… the first Harry Potter!"

Inwardly, I died a little.

                                                      ~ o ~

This manic chick actually came with me to the video rental store. I shouldn't have to tell you that in this millennium, especially after the first decade of it, there's really no point in even having a video rental store anymore, so we had no customers. It was literally hours of sitting around and watching movie after movie, while maybe one guy came in and asked where 'the good stuff' was kept. My glare sent him packing.

"So was it that bad wherever you went for uni that you ended up slumming it back here again?"

"Not bad," Knives told me as she sat on the counter, spinning the orange she had gotten from a convenience store on the way in her hands. It was the last thing either of us had to eat after we made our way through some cheesy Nineties rom-com. "Just not home. Toronto is just, you know? Like… everything's so cool here."

"Yeah, it's freezing."

"Not right now. Summer in Toronto is like, the best. Plus my friend Tamara lives here, I was hoping I'd see her."

There was something about how genuine Knives was that reminded me of Scott when we first met. That could probably play a role in why they were attracted to each other in the first place, and I might be more certain of that if I were some kind of TV pop-psychologist. As in, Scott saw something of his younger self in Knives, the way he was before he broke my heart and Envy broke his in turn. Yadda yadda.

Maybe that's why I hadn't thrown her out yet. Nostalgia.

"Kim?"

"What?" I snapped, since I had been snapped out of my stupor.

"The movie's over."

"Oh…" Ducking my head, I reached over to pull the DVD of 'The Mystical Head' out of the player. "Shit…"

Head tilted to one side, Knives asked me, "What would you be watching if you had to pick? Right now?"

"Zombie Corpse Mutilator IV: The Zombining."

"Really? Is it any good? I don't watch very many scary movies…"

With a long sigh, I stood up and stretched my arms over my head. Knives tried to balance the orange on the bridge of her nose, failed, and caught it before it fell very far. "You probably just want me to put on some drivel like 'Let's Hope There's A Heaven,' don't you?"

"No," she laughed easily. "What about… 'Seven Shaolin Masters'? I like action, but not like, just a bunch of stuff blowing up. And I heard that one's supposed to be pretty authentic, it was done by a Chinese director."

The way she looked all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed reminded me of a squirrel spotting a nut it hadn't cracked yet. Maybe I was the nut. Who knows? But for some reason, her excitement and complete disregard of whether or not I crapped all over her good mood was getting past my defenses. So much so that I said…

"Sure. Think we have a few copies."

We watched it. Not a bad flick. I guess I like it about as much as I like anything, really. Not high praise, but you get the picture. Knives was eating it up. Really… the weirdest part is that she never complained about having to sit there on the counter, just hopped down once in a while to stretch her legs and lean against it instead. Like we had been doing this for years: her coming to hang out with me while I 'worked'. Felt like the plot of some low-budget indie film, shot in black-and-white to be 'ironic'.

About halfway through, she did go to the lavatory, and when she came back she stayed behind the counter. I started to tell her she wasn't allowed, but decided I didn't care enough. Maybe I'm getting soft at the ripe old age of twenty-four.

"Hey," I suddenly asked, during a boring part in which the main character was meditating.

"Hm?"

"What are you doing?"

"Watching a movie."

"No… I mean like, going to uni. What's your whole deal?" I cringed; that was a pretty crappy way to ask the question. But, as usual, Knives didn't seem to mind.

"Not really sure. Just want to figure out what I'm doing. My mom wants me to be a doctor, but that is so not happening. Like… I kinda want to found a martial arts school. Super cliché, but I've never really been good at anything else, except fangirling. Which isn't really a 'job' I can get."

"Sure you could. Rent yourself out as a professional fangirl."

Her eyes went round. "You can do that?!" But for once, she seemed to get that I was teasing and smiled. "Aww, silly Kim. But… actually I wonder if there'd be any interest in it… maybe I could start a whole new thing!"

"Weirdo."

"What about you?"

That caught me off guard. "Huh? I'm a drummer."

"Yeah, but you aren't really in a band right now, right? You said you and Neil's sister are just kind of trying stuff."

"It's none of your-" But I cut myself off. This wasn't an interrogation, and Knives wasn't trying to pry. Wasn't trying to. "I just… am trying to figure that out. My life got kicked in the butt by a few events and I need a rebuilding year."

"But it's already been a year since your last band-"

"Knives…"

She fell silent, turning away to finish the movie. She looked guilty, which wasn't really what I wanted; I just wanted her to take the hint that it's not the most fun subject to bring up for me right now. But I didn't know how to tell her that without getting all sappy and feelsy, so I didn't try.

When Comeau came in to relieve me, we split, and she followed along behind like a good puppy. A good stray puppy. One I never wanted, but for some reason, I didn't mind her there. We did start getting along toward the end of Sex Bob-omb's career, I guess.

"You wanna get some food? It's about dinner time. Or you probably have plans, huh?"

Shrugging, I managed to mutter, "Eh." I didn't have any plans. I never had many plans anymore; met up with Stephen once a week, or less. Steph wasn't so much a friend as a colleague… which I guess was where both of them stood with me. Where did everybody go?

"Cool. Wanna get Sneaky Dee's?"

"Ugh… too noisy. Not in the mood."

"Poutine? Sushi?"

I started to make a very vaguely racist joke about sushi being the wrong food for her, but decided it would be more hurtful than funny. Especially to Knives, who only seemed to get the most obvious jokes. "Poutine works. I could use some gravy-laden goodness."

"Cool. Let's do it!"

She skipped off down the path, hair bouncing on the breeze. I didn't notice before that she was still keeping it short, I was so focused on the fact that she stopped dyeing it in the front. Kind of a compromise between who she had been before Scott and who she was after, maybe.

Not that I knew why I was noticing now. I must really have been bored. "Wait up, you dumbass," I grumbled under my breath as I trudged after her.

                                                      ~ o ~

Somehow, grabbing dinner with this almost-a-stranger was fine. She gushed about college life, about some group of friends she found online and really connected with or whatever. I was only half paying attention while I chewed. Between bites she was drinking a ginger ale, and kept setting it down so hard that a few droplets would fly up and land on the table, or even on her face. That annoyed me, but it was also kind of… cute somehow. Maybe I needed therapy.

Once we finished up, we walked to the bus stop that would take her back in the direction of her house. It was awkward. There was no real reason for it to be awkward but it was; she looked down at her boots, rocking back and forth with her hands in the small of her back.

"U-um… do you mind if I drop by more? You seemed kind of unhappy to see me at first. If you really want me to leave you alone forever…"

"Yes. I do."

"Okay. S-sorry, Kim."

Now I felt like I was kicking a puppy. She wasn't really that bad; I just hated being forced to endure the company of anyone besides myself and my inner demons. "Ugh… just don't make a big deal about it, and shut up if we get too busy, alright? God."

Her mopey face turned into a wide smile over the course of the following five seconds. "YAY!" No seriously, she said 'yay'. And meant it. What the fuck was she even? Her arms sprang forward, and before I could tell what was about to happen, she had me caught in a crushing hug.

"Let GO. Dude, seriously! Off!"

"I'll see you tomorrow! Oh man, this is gonna be a great summer!" Without any further ado, she pranced over to the bus stop, walking backward so she could wave at me the entire time. Anybody could have predicted that she would trip over the old man's dachshund, but she picked herself up right away with a light giggle, apologising to both of them before waving again.

Our definitions of "great summer" don't have much overlap.

                                                       To Be Continued…

[writing-in-riverdale]

twin andrews part 4 | jughead x reader

part one:https://writing-in-riverdale.tumblr.com/post/158708863703/twin-andrews-juggie-x-reader-an-im-hoping

part two:https://writing-in-riverdale.tumblr.com/post/158896154168/twin-andrews-part-2-jughead-x-reader

part three:https://writing-in-riverdale.tumblr.com/post/158929430293/twin-andrews-part-three-jughead-x-reader

part five: https://writing-in-riverdale.tumblr.com/post/159487616565/twin-andrews-part-5-jughead-x-reader

a/n: wowie lil nuggets we’ve reached part 4 im having a lil happy dance over here! im so overwhelmed about how much you guys are liking this series so im more than happy to get busy making parts as long as you’ll are loving it so let me know!!🥂👱🏻‍♀️💛🤓💐🌈💚🌻ps: if you’ve missed a part click on the masterlist in my blog ✨

♕

“ugh i hate calculus with my whole heart” i mutter flicking through my text book pooping a few gummy bears in my mouth. it was free period so Betty, Kevin and I decided to try and study for a calculus text tomorrow.

my brother and he’s team mates were also here with veronica and jughead sitting off to the side taking in everyone’s conversation. i catch him glances at me which cause me to smile and fiddle with the ends of his jacket

reggie was going on about his theories on who killed jason and everyone was getting pretty fed up with his antics

“it couldn’t have been a jock-” i groan closing my book “reggie can you just stop! jesus christ” he turns in his seat smirking at me.

“well well well my little vixen what’s gotten into you-” i roll my eyes “im trying to study and i can hear is your idiotic voice so it’d be wonderful if you just shut the hell up!” i smile sweetly the room snickering at my response.

“terribly sorry my lady- please continue working” i curse under my breathe turning my attention away from reggie and toward the brunette leaning against the far table, a smirk drawn on his face, i give him a wink causing his chest to shake as he laughs

my attention is brought back when reggie bellows jugheads name, i move out of the chair and over to reggie, “seriously?” he ignores me and continues to interrogate jughead

“what was it like suicide squad? when you shot jason?” “you didn’t do stuff to the body right? like after?”

i turn to jughead awaiting his response “its call necrophilia reggie, can you spell it?” he replies emotionless. he’s arms folded across his chest

“come here you little punk” reggie launches himself over the couch and rushes up the jughead not before archie jumps in front of him pushing reggie in the chest away from the two

i sigh relived that my brother was protecting him even though they weren’t the best of friends right now

everyone stands “boys” veronica warns touching chuck on the arm, i look at her puzzled at how snug she was being with yet another jock

i push past moose and grab reggie by the shoulder “would you just stop for a minute-?” i spit annoyed at the air head “leave him alone” i warn. he pushes up his selves glancing from me to jughead to my brother and then back to me.

“wait is that jugheads jacket your wearing princess?-” my brother shoves him once more “god just shut up reggie”

“what do you care Andrews?”

he glances quickly to me before back to reggie “nothing just leave him alone”

i smile small at my brother but it’s short lived as reggie speaks “holy crap”

“did you and donny darko kill him together? was it some sort of pervy blood brother thing?”

my brother shoves the raven headed boy, jugheads eyes going wide stepping away from the table and outstretching his arms shielding me from the two. i push past his arms and place a hand on Reggies chest “walk away”

anger flashes in his eyes “no can do princess” and with that he grabs my brother and throws him into the vending machine the glasses smashing, arms around me waist tug me back and i try and fight it until i realise it was jug.

Chuck and Jughead are up trying to pry the two apart as they wrestle on the ground Reggie getting one solid punch to my brothers eye before giving up the fight and letting Chuck drag him up holding him against the wall to stop him from causing further harm.

i move toward him anger moving through me like a tidal wave, “don’t you ever speak to my friends like that ever again- and i swear if you lay another hand on my brother i will make sure you cannot reproduce got it?” i sneer and he wink at me “god i love it when your mad” a flick switches and i punch him right in the eye.

he tries to break free from chuck as i continue to hit him annoyance taking away “you little jerk” i yell being lifted off the ground and dragged out of the room by the beanie wearing brunette

he walks me over to my locker as we see the principle enter the room walking away with the two jocks “i can’t believe him” i mumble slamming my hands against the locker

“hey don’t let him get to you” he places his hand on my shoulder and i exhale loudly “yeah i know- i don’t get how you can deal with it jug- what he said was totally out of hand and im sorry-” he shakes his head “don’t worry about it i seemed to have both andrews in my corner anyway”

i smile down at my feet “did you and archie make up last night?” he shifts on his feet “uh- no no we didn’t we just talked and yeah” i sigh “will you ever?” he shrugs again “i don’t know- i want to tell you it’s just” he clears his throat “it’s fine jug, ive got practice ill see you tonight at the rally?” he nods “yeah”

“(y/n) wait-” i turn and face him “will i be getting my jacket back anytime soon?” he chuckles, my eyes widen i had totally forgotten that i hadn’t returned it to him since he gave it to me last night “my bad” i shrug off the jacket and he shakes his head

“no no- keep it for now- it’ll give me an excuse to see you again-” i blush but continue to remove the jacket “i have practice so ill be in my uniform so it’ll just be in my locker so please take it, the game can be your excuse”

he reluctantly takes it from me and places it in his locker “i don’t think ill ever be able to wear it again, you wore it too well so now it doesn’t look as good on me anymore” he gives me a smug smile “yeah yeah whatever jones, i love that jacket on you-”

“see you tonight” i yell to him as i walk myself toward the girls locker room, great a whole period of my two favourite people; Cheryl Blossom and Veronica Lodge.

♕

after what seemed like the longest hour of my life the bell finally rings ending the period and i give a silent prayer as i now have an excuse to put as much distance as i possible can before i launch myself at veronica for breaking a thousand girl codes.

my head was aching from listen to her trying to tell Betty how she realised she did was wrong but she wasn’t the only one involved and that apparently she was being a ‘good’ friend and ‘protecting’ betty because cheryl would’ve gone in if veronica didn’t.

im almost in the clear until i hear the all to familiar voice calling out my name, i bring my hands to my mouth and scream into them before slapping a smile on my face and turning to face the raven haired girl.

“okay so i understand your mad at me for what happened between me and your brother and I just want to apologise” i pause before i answer trying to think of ways to place it nicely.

“look ronnie i wouldn’t have given a crap if you hooked up with my brother okay he can date and kiss whoever the hell he wants but when you add my girl to the mix that’s where i draw the line, you knew how betty felt- you both did yet not one of you thought to yourself maybe i shouldn’t smash b’s heart to smithereens” i smile sarcastically

“if your goal was to piss me off to the point where i actually can’t stand to be near you then congrats you’ve done that. im annoyed and hungry so quite frankly don’t approach me until ive calmed down because i swear i will take you down and i really don’t want to make an enemy out of you”

i move past her and make my way to my locker to grab a few things before heading home to change and prepare for the rally tonight it’s supposedly forecast to flash flood but for some wack reason they’re making us cheer in the pouring rain. yay school spirit

“hey andrews”

“oh for fuck sakes can’t a girl just be left alone!” i complain turning to see the smug look of Reggie Mantle, black eye and all. “not in the mood Mantle shove along go find another cheerleader to torment.

i begin to walk out of the school reggie still hot on my heels “but your my own and only vixen i swear” i furrow my brows at the boy and ignore him as i begin my journey home

im almost at my house when I realise reggie still trailing behind me “jeez reg what are you walking me home?” i complain trying to pick up my pace “we aren’t in school anymore you can leave me alone and stop acting like an asshole”

“oh c'mon (y/n/n) i thought we were past this” he complains stopping at the gate to my house “guess we aren’t” i say enthusiastically giving a thumbs up for encouragement before slamming the front door and flopping onto the couch.

the front door opens and closes but im too tired and grumpy to move so i stay out sprawled out onto the couch “why is reggie outside our house?” archie asks moving my legs so he could sit down.

i sit up and take the apple from his hand “reggie who?”

♕

“you ready for tonight?” i ask the blonde girl fiddling with my hair as we start the walk toward school

she nods her head and to swinging her blonde pony tail “im actually really excited- my first pep rally as a river vixen” she giggle spinning around in her uniform

“well miss betty cooper you were made to be a cheerleader, us vixens are lucky to have you” i encourage her attempting to calm the nerves i know she has.

“thanks (y/n/n), im so glad your back” i wink at the blonde “so am i- i did really miss you a lot, seems like everyone’s life just sort went on with me” i smile sadly.

we enter the locker room and my good mood seems to have diminished completely “ronnie!” Betty calls to the raven haired girl gesturing her over so we could walk out onto the field together

“looking good ladies” veronica compliments offering me a small smile, i decide to return it “we good?” she questions and i take a second to respond “yeah lodge we’re good”

she smiles placing both hands on our shoulders “now should be go and show some school spirit” her grin wide and preppy cheerleader tone on point “lets go!” i return the enthusiasm throwing up some spirit fingers.

we rush onto the field bouncing on the balls of the feet and get the crowd up and alive, it was pouring down and we were soaked as soon as we stepped foot onto the field. the bleachers filled with umbrellas to shield themselves.

the mayor steps up to the podium and gives a small speech dedicating the rally to the late jason blossom before introducing josie and the pussycats and the river vixens to start their performance

the music starts and we launch into the routine all eyes on us as we swish around our skirts doing a few flips but mostly choreography from one miss blossom. i grab my poms and start catching jughead staring right at me, it throws me off but i mange to get back into the groove a blush covering my face

we finish our routine and coach runs across the stage and introduce the almighty riverdale bulldogs. they break through the banner my brother at the front of the group wearing jasons jersey. i freeze sickness washing over me, i turn instantly to see cheryl turning white before catching my gaze and bolting off the field.

betty & veronica rush off the field following her but i decide against following them and walk toward my brother whom was amongst the crowd talking to one jughead jones

puzzled i jog over smiling brightly as i approach the two “whatcha talking bout” i ask smiling shyly at the brunette, i bump hips with my brother “nice way to spook everyone arch” i tease and he just shakes his head

“so?” i raise my eyes brows glancing between the two awfully chummy “uh arch just apologised and well im going to give him a second chance” jug speaks playing with the back of his neck

i smile to myself jumping up and down before launching myself into jughead, he stumbles but wraps his arms around my waist holding me up before setting me down “thank you” i mumble into his ear before turning and punching my brother playfully in the arm

“about time you big idiot”

“ow!” he exaggerates rubbing his arm “oh stop being a baby” i roll my eyes at him the boy laughing at the sibling banter

“Pop’s?” i ask the two and they nod i start walking and the lag behind “c'mon what are we waiting for!” they laugh and share a glance before jogging to catch up to my long strides

“can i ask yous something” archie asks me as we start our short journey to pop’s “shoot” i tell him adjusting my gym bag on my shoulder before jughead removes it from my slinging it on his own shoulder

“what’s with you two, why have you been wearing jughead’s jackets are yous like a thing or-?” i giggle glancing at the brunette next to me who decides to stay quite

“it was pouring down on the way over from the dance, i was cold so he leant it to me and i wore it to school the next day to return it. is it really that big of a deal?”

he shakes his head “not that it’s really any of your business anyway right jug?” he looks at me wide eyes glancing between his best friend and his little sister “i mean yeah”

i laugh at his nervousness and push open the door to Pop’s spotting B & V already sitting in a both toward the back, i don’t wait for the boys i just continue down and slip in next to veronica

“ladies” i smile at them and betty turns in her seat looking at my brother and he’s best friend, i realise instantly and cuss under my breathe “they don’t have to seat sorry my bad” she shakes her head and speaks out to the boys as they wait for permission to join us”

“you wanna join us?” they both share a smile “only if your treating” jughead comments walking over and sliding in next to me placing his arm along the back of the booth

i watch as my brother does the same sharing a glance of respect with betty then laughing at something veronica said as we all sit cozily in our booth waiting for our food to arrive engrossed in our own little world.

i feel jugheads arm drop slowly resting on my shoulder causing me to wriggle closer to him sharing a smile with the brunette before returning back to the conversation

last nights drama had fizzled away, friendships mended and on their way to being so for now we sit happy and content wonder what tomorrow brings and in this moment i smile this, this was home.

-🌹

TAG LIST AS PROMISED: @smadrat @natalieroseg @isak-lovelies @lena-lightwood @xbobaaa @savygabby

[original-violence]

It took me 2 days to do this. Christ.

RUDE.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up. History’s Stranglers - The Bronx Sun/Rise/Light/Flies - Kasabian Promenade - Street Sweeper Social Club Fistful of Steel - Rage Against The Machine WW III - KMFDM Que No Te Hagas Bobo Jacobo - Molotov

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Probably flea or Anthony Kiedis

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. ‘As a creative thinker I think he’s brilliant and i feel very lucky to have got to meet him’

4) What do you think about most? Work/My anxiety/Food.. probably just a general mix of those things.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Dont fink so. Unless stuff i has written about myself counts.

6) Do you have any strange phobias? Not anything strange, just like.. spiders n stuff.

7) What's your religion? Agnostic i guess.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Going to/from work or to/from getting food somewhere. I have an exciting life.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Red Hot Chili Peppers, always.

10) What was the last lie you told? ‘Nah im good’ (someone at work who is bad at making tea offered to make me a tea, i was appreciative but they’re real bad.)

11) Do you believe in karma? I mean, it would be nice for such a ‘force’ like that to exist, but it really doesn’t and it’s a shame.

12) What does your URL mean? It’s a lyric from a Slipknot song.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness: Probably my anxiety, it makes me unreasonably stressed at most times in my life and it makes everything very difficult. My strength is probably my desire to prove myself to literally everyone around me, it makes me work really really hard at everything i do.

14) Who is your celebrity crush? Hmmmmm Alison Brie at the moment.

15) How do you vent your anger? I don’t really get angry to be honest, when i do i just keep it at a level that i can deal with inside before acting on it.

16) Do you have a collection of anything? Mmmmmmmmnope, i have more than 100 video games, i guess that counts as a collection.

17) Are you happy with the person you've become? I will be. Im slowly getting there, there are just a couple more things left to sort out.

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate most sounds that wake me up. Aaaand i love the sound of rain when against windows/umbrellas

19) What's your biggest "what if"? What if i would have stuck it out when i was at school? Would i have gotten any good grades? Would i have gone to uni? Would i have just become more overwhelmed than i was and have gone through with a suicide attempt like i was planning? (that got deep, sozza)

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Mmmmmm, lets go with.... No and Yes.

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right arm, my computer and left arm, my mic stand.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? Paella, i didn’t finish my dinner.

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? Uhh, Nothing really springs to mind to be honest. There are places that would make me have anxiety but that doesnt make them bad places.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? Literally no one is coming to mind. Sorry, im way too tired to be doing this haha. --AT THIS POINT I STARTED FALLING ASLEEP AND WENT TO BED, THE REST OF THIS WAS WRITTEN TODAY--

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? I think at some point in life, everyone at some single point (maybe multiple points) saves another life. Whether it be ER nurses or just having a meaningful conversation with someone and changing their outlook, i think the meaning of live is to help and support other lives.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do not.

27) What was the last movie you saw? Uhhhh American Ultra.

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? Man i dont know, ive broken my nose and most of my fingers and toes but thats about as worse as i have had it.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? I’ve started playing rocket league again and its the only game i have played for 3 days.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Not that i know of! 

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yeahhhh, 100% yes, sometimes it’s important and those people deserve it man.

32) What is your astrological sign? Capricorn

33) What's the last thing you purchased? I bought some new glasses today. Im really hoping they arrive by the end of the week, otherwise im gonna get headaches all the damn time.

34) Love or lust? Obviously contextually dependent, but love is pretty damn cool.

35) In a relationship? N’aw

36) How many relationships have you had? Obviously some have been more serious than others but like... around 8 or so i guess

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? I mean, in a general sense, i like making people laugh, if someone likes me because of that, that’s their own damn problem.

38) Where is your best friend? Probably at home i would imagine.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? I want to say sleeping but i was probably watching youtube videos.

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Probably not, but that’s  just because i hate myself..

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Fuck my job, i couldn’t let a dog die. Also ‘ if you are late one more time’ I am NEVER late for work.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? Shit, one month?! I would tell all my friends and family, i would tell people how i really feel about them (literally tell so many people how much they mean to me) and hell yeah i would be afraid. ‘One month’ is pretty vague, months have different lengths!

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Get up and jump - red hot chili peppers

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Love, trust, loyalty and happiness.

45) How can I win your heart? Make me laugh. I fucking love laughing.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? ‘Insanity’ is a VERY loose term. It’s difficult to answer that.

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? “ becoming friends w/ me HOLLAAAAAAA “ - @ufo-squad 

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? Something simple but nice i guess. OR something really dumb like ‘If you’re reading this, stop standing on me’

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." Emotion, working hard, giving something everything you can.

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? Anything similar to ‘1DF7D2′

51) What is your current desktop picture? I have a cycle of around 50 different backgrounds, despite the fact that i never really look at them.

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Hmm, I don’t think i would want anyone to just explode, that would suck.

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? God, probably something about my emotions or the way i feel about people.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Shapeshifting would be awesome.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Hmmm, probably a really good gig that i had with my old bandmates, i really miss playing live music, so maybe one of the times we played at Jersey Live, they where fun.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Nahhh, fuck that, im a firm believer that everything happens for a reason in life so i woudn’t want to.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I am legit not interested in just sleeping with random people that i don’t know, the idea of it is awful to me.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Australia, maybe L.A.

59) Ever been on a plane? I have.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Uhhhhhhhhh okay. Alison Brie Lauren Cohan Daisy Ridley Tom Hardy Kristen Stewart.

[kuriboo]

When I was little I didn’t know what to do with my life. I think at one point I might’ve wanted to be a princess or a mermaid or something (ironically, I can’t swim. I know strokes and such, I can do those, but I have no trust in the water to hold me up towards the surface), when I was very little, but from the moment I knew I would have to get a real career someday, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had a lot of vague ideas but they either felt unrealistic or I didn’t think I was capable.

Jobs based around helping people were to me very noble. My mom’s always had jobs based on helping people since I was born, and before that, too. But of jobs obvious to a kid at the time, I’m afraid of needles and don’t do well with seeing blood and have unsteady hands, so a doctor or nurse was out. I wasn’t great with most kids and didn’t know how to engage people or make people listen to me, so a teacher was out.

I grew up with most people in my social circle being in the church. I was told to follow god’s plan, that god has a plan for everyone and if you follow it good things will come to you. So what I wanted to do when I grew up was a vague whatever god’s plan is thing, and I assumed one day I would wake up and just know what he wanted me to do. I used to lie awake in bed and ask god what his plan was for me, what i was supposed to do, but they never answered. They answered a lot of other things for me, but not that. I felt panicked in high school when I was supposed to be planning what I wanted to do in college because I still didn’t know. At some point I figured, well god blessed me with a gift for music, supposedly, i was deep into music for ten years, so maybe i should go for music. I think I had planned to go to school for audio engineering, at a college a couple of hours away. It was scary, it was exciting, walking around the campus felt right to me but I was terrified to be so far away, and to be alone.

I also felt like I wasn’t supposed to go to college immediately after graduating. I felt tired, i felt burnt out, and it just didn’t feel right. I even asked my parents about it and they encouraged me to go right away, that it’s easier to get through college without taking a break. In hidnsight, if that was god’s plan, which, it happened so probably, it was probably my best glimpse at that plan i’ve ever had

And then it turned out i was right. And it turned out i didn’t get a choice. And it turned out any ideas of getting a career in the music field were basically dissolved. I wasn’t really devastated that much. I didn’t know what to do but that wasn’t new. I worked hard in school and never slowed down until then. All the sudden I had too much time to think about what i wanted to do, what i should do, what i was supposed to do, but thinking was hard and i never figured it out. When i did later go to college, i stayed much closer to hope in the aftermath of being so sick and i went to the college that offered the highest scholarship while wondering how i’d gotten enough energy to apply to any colleges at all. I somehow managed to keep that scholarship. I wanted to make sure i could get a job right after graduating so i picked a field i knew that was possible in from first hand accounts. I was worried about all my decisions in that time just looking like i was copying the people around me. But i was interested in the field i picked, i picked it up quickly despite having no prior experience, and my interest only grew the longer i was learning. So it felt right. Maybe this was the thing

But uh, i obviously didn’t have a job lined up immediately after graduating like i’d thought, and struggled to find one for a long time while my own health declined again. My mental health this time instead of my physical health. I sobbed uncontrollably after my graduation ceremony until i was too tired to cry anymore. People figured i’d probably had a ton of work in the weeks leading up to it and that i was exhausted. I was exhausted, but i hadn’t had much work, my last semester was actually fairly easy compared to previous ones. When people learned that they were incredulous, most didn’t get what i was crying for. I had been working hard, but schoolwork wasn’t my issue, i was just...constantly fatigued. My effort was mostly in keeping myself going in general. I was stressed about not having a job lined up yet, i was stressed about school being over and having to go home, being awake was exhausting. A lot of people didn’t understand that. They didn’t want to.

Stuff’s just kinda weird. I dunno. As ive struggled with finding a job, its been kinda weird in that somehow it was clear that i just wasnt supposed to be working yet, that i was needed elsewhere. I was needed in other ways. Which didn’t make the experience any less stressful, but... finding an entry level career has been almost impossible the past year or two. They just became harder and harder to find every day. And at the same time i’ve had to try to learn how to take care of myself, because what i’d done up to that point just wasn’t working anymore. That’s gotten easier. I’ve been kinda shoved in directions that have been unexpected and as i’ve tried to approach the endpoint, nothing’s really happened in the timing i’d like. People i’ve known my whole life have said things happen in god’s timing and not ours. Maybe that’s true. Maybe i just haven’t been ready to join the workforce in the last year or so. People have talked to me like i’m lazy, people have refused to see i’ve tried as hard as i can and my best just isn’t their best, or don’t want to accept that it’s not a bad thing.

The whole following gods plan thing ive heard my whole life sort of led me in the wrong direction. I always figured god would figure my life out for me, i guessed. But i dunno. That’s obviously wrong, life doesn’t work out that way. I’ve happened to be in right places at the right times without being on the fast-paced path everyone thinks is required, that i’m apparently lazy for not being able to handle that pace in the aftermath of being really sick. I’ve been at the right places at the right time to be able to help people that needed it, that needed me. I’m grateful for that. But i think it’s less of god having planned out your whole life and if you stray from it you’ve fucked up, i think it’s more about being able to good wherever you end up. Sometimes it’s just in little ways, and sometimes it feels like it’s barely anything to you when it’s everything to other people. And somehow i’ve been able to do that, i guess, and somehow i’ve found this path where i’ll be able to help people more even if it’s nowhere near i thought i’d ever end up. Helping people is important, if we’re not here to be kind to each other than what are we here for, but a lot of the time it’s also really hard. And helping people isn’t just about ending up in a job where you directly help people some way or another. And i’m trying not to sound all holier than thou about it.

I just feel like this “god has a plan” mindset i grew up surrounded by kind of fucked up my line of thinking when it comes to life choices, but somewhere in there i turned it around

The church also kind of pushed this isolationist way of living where it was heavily encouraged not to associate with non-christians unless it was to convert them and i’ve come to the now obiois to me conclusion that sometimes the church’s opinions are bullshit. The same church was one of the ones “questioning the governor’s faith” when services were forcibly shut down and reopening them was pushed back, and now after they had a few weeks of being open with masks and distancing required, apparently now distancing is bullshit and they refuse to do it. My mom’s stopped going for the time being. There’s many things I don’t agree with them on anymore after i escaped the mindset i was kinda thrown into when i was young that the church is always right about everything. I’ve said some stupid shit before I did that. I still say stupid shit. Things that seemed normal when i was young now feel more insidious to me. I wish i figured out all this out sooner but that isn’t how life works apparently

There’s been a lot of times that i’ve wanted to help people but couldn’t, or straight up didn’t bc being selfish comes very easily and i can be a shit person if i’m not careful, or i didn’t know how to and thus couldn’t. But i’m thankful that for the times where i’ve been able to help people and did. Because i can look back through everything and see places where i have done that and how that’s lead to where i am today, and i’m glad i’ve had the opportunity to be a better person? I dunno. I’ve felt reflective and mushy today. And i can see all the differences between where i am not and me ten years ago, and i’m glad i’ve learned and worked to be better. I want to be able to look back and know i’ve done some good for people and i’m glad i can do that now and for all the times in the future where i’ll be able to do that, too. People deserve kindness.