#but its something!! & im not spending more than an hour on these!!
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Does anyone else ever just wish you could draw/paint?
Like, draw/paint something specific.
Obviously the most obvious one will be characters for alot of people. Who doesn't want to draw the characters in their heads??
But I mean...
Specific stuff
Like, I'd love to draw animals.
And fashion.
Also landscapes and environments.
I'd love to be able to draw something like this, with blurbs of information for the animals and monsters of KaE:
And fashion!
I just love seeing how fashion evolves throughout history and how the rich are dumb as fuck in trying to out do each other in how clumsy/annoying it is to put on cause "you can afford to spend so much time on such dumb shit"
But it's cool.
I have Infinity Nikki to help cure me of that craving of seeing/experimenting with outfits (it's like, a really chill game)
But normal day to day environment stuff
That's something I can't really fulfill as a craving, beside finding artwork of what i mean.
Found an awesome artist who scratched that itch of mine recently, and its helped me describe some scenes in KaE
Jean-Claude Golvin, French archaeologist and architect!
Look at all the cool stuff he's drawn!
Because of the above, I've taken to drawing myself.
Im no good at it, but it helps me. To anyone else, it'd look horrendous, but I can see beyond what's in the paper. Cause its in my head, i just have to place it on the paper so i can like... lock it in my head, compartmentalize writing/drawing/imagination into separate boxes, and keep the flow state going as an author.
Mehhh, i'm just in one of those moods.
Introspective of myself. Which then got me thinking about something I usually think about.
Sometimes, I think about how many great writers and artists there are with no opportunity to vent that creative urge. To flex their imagination muscles. They must be like horses or birds, born to run in the plains and fly in the sky; yet caged by their economic or living situation.
And by the time they're in a position to actually do what calls to them, they're older. With more responsibilities. A career. A family. A whole set of skills and lessons already gained and experienced.
How difficult is it to overcome that initial "but im so bad right now, it'll take me too long to develop into something good" thought?
Is it not daunting to have to "start over" in a skill?
Then there's younger people than you who are by far more skilled at the "thing" than you. Isn't that crushing?
I think it's alot like exercise. It sucks at first. Sometimes you can't even do more than 30 min a day. You think, "What's the point??"
But even if you do 30 min a day for a week, that's a total of 210 minutes for that week. Three hours and a half. That's far more than the absolute zero you would have if you did nothing.
I think you can write, draw, paint, do whatever calls to you for 30 min a day in the least. Because if you keep that up for a whole year; you'll end up with 10,920 minutes, or 182 hours, worth of experience under your belt.
Oh.
Oh shit.
I went on a rant lmao
Any hopeful creatives out there, I hope you guys take some measure of solace in my words. You're not alone. It's never too late to start. The only person you're racing with is yourself, not that other person you compare yourself to. Take your time. Just don't deny yourself!
#writing#writers on tumblr#interactive fiction#choice of games#interactive novel#hosted games#choicescript#dashingdon#kingdomsandempires
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did u know i think abt him a lot!
#once again abstracted from the original prompt LMAO. also i dont particularly like this one as much it doesnt fit what ive been thinking of.#but its something!! & im not spending more than an hour on these!!#i KNOW hearts arent in the center of the chest. they cant be made of blue glowing goo either -_-#jrwi freak week#dakota cole#gore#esquisse
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duck adventurer
#art#artists on tumblr#crayon#duck#sword#is it weird i kinda get more of a mood boost doodling something kinda ok w crayons than the things i put loads of effort into in other medi#like i spend hours on a painting and it looks ok but im always like. this could be better. this should be better. u just dont know how#and crayons its literally only: :D the crayon thing looks ok!!! nice!!!
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making breezehome in makeplace ffxiv btw. if anyone was wondering how my night was going
#'wouldnt this be a funny joke?' <- the devil probably#where's that post that's like - if you spend more than an hour working on something ironically. it is unfortunately no longer ironic!#heater-talks#ffxiv#upstairs is a mess but its actually. almost done. HEEHEE.#but its a job for tomorrow. im good night.
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not being able to draw whenever i want to is having unexpected effects
#talk talk talk#i cant sit at my desk for more than 2-3 hours without having to go lay down bc im still recovering#and it hurts a little#which has caused me to realize i spend like 8-10ish hours drawing every single day off and on with rare expection#which is something ive just never had to think about before#but not being able to draw when i want to is making me want to claw my eyes out bro#not to sound like a freak or a loser but im anguishing#on the plus side its forcing me to actually write out comic planning stuff instead of opening a notepad and winging it#like 3 minutes before making the panels
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I think I'm falling in love
#my best friend jack and i have been drifting closer and closer over the past few months#and on Monday night after work we met up at wingstop and ate there and sat for a bit#and then we left right before they closed and then stood in the parking lot hugging for over two hours#just hugging and swaying and talking#and we agreed that we're on the same page and that we're both into each other romantically#but he just got out of a relationship with a rocky break up and another ex is being a crazy bitch at the moment#so we agreed we're both ready for and we're not going anywhere but we cant start anything yet#and then i was like we both close tomorrow night we should hang out again#and he was like well we can watch a movie at my place and you can sleep on the couch#spoiler alert: we slept in his bed snuggled up together#and out pact to take it slow fizzled out real quick when we discovered how much fun it is to kiss each other#cut to friday night#were both closing at work but hes out like two hours later than me#we text literally non stop#im going to a wawa to get air in my tires and he asks which wawa#he gets to leave work early bc he was done and comes and meets me at the wawa#where we proceed to stand in the parking lot hugging for another hour at least#occasionally kissing#but now this week hes working literally night shifts all week#2230-0700#but saturday he picked up a shift where i work and its the same out time as me#and were gonna go to his place and hang out after again#and im literally so excited just to spend more time with him#he and i match each other's energy so well its crazy#in my head ive started calling him my boyfriend but i cant do that yet even at work#bc he used to work where i work and everyone there is nosy as fuck#and they def will notice if i get a bf out of the blue and also i smile stupid big whenever someone mentions jack#anyway carrie this is me telling you but you can literally not tell anyone else istg#if i hear from mom and dad that you said something......#personal
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pyrr pyrriax is significantly less productive when it spends several hours just bouncing between vcs in pursuit of human interaction
#haunted ecosystem#i spent the last several hours just chilling muted in a vc with a few people i dont really Know but we're friendly so it works#bonus was playing on an mc server at the same time and immediately making it my goal to harass jack#i got caught in a self-instated death loop trying to get him to free my corpse from his claim PDVNDJK#however: i now have an area where i get to set up a farm and become a beast (spend several hours lost in farmer's delight)#its okay its better than the average of like 11 hour calls#i write significantly less when i'm being social and not just in my little hole in the wall scribbling random concepts#also i need to read more fic to get my brain going again since currently i am lacking in things kicking around in my skull#aside from a concerning amount of oc stuff that will likely never see the light of day beyond ocassional snippet posts#im planning to work on a few projects i just also need to. not have things i need to work on#im working on a gift fic thats a little late but i just need to Come Up With Something
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#i mean in the nicest way possible#but like when you're in med school you truly have to have your priorities straight#bc otherwise you're going to end up doing just mediocre#and like#who wants a mediocre doctor to help them#there's some shit you have to sacrifice sometimes#sometimes its spending time doing things you like sometimes its asking for help with your responsibilities#sometimes its knowing you're gonna get an hour or two of sleep bc you have to finish doing everything you have to do#and if you're not gonna learn how to prioritize and be responsible idk if there's a point 😭#like im sorry#ik mental health is incredibly important more than anyone else#but we're training to be people who will literally have to save someones from dying at one point#us being late or us not studying or us not knowing something can literally kill someone#i just#ugh#it pisses me off how some actual friends dont take this seriously#and like oh im sleepy bc ive been doing other stuff all day im not gonna study i think#LIKE BROTHER IN CHRIST#and the worst part is like#i feel so bad saying this but we should be taking 5 classes each semester so we can get to intern year#this person is taking only 3#like bro we've literally had exam after exam every day this week#we're exhausted too#we just gotta suck it up
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I have had a VERY busy week (positive but very very socially draining) and I am ABOUT to have a few days of work and then ANOTHER very busy week (work, 2 different appointments and a job interview) and I just wanna take a moment and remind myself that I may take longer to do things than average but im still DOING them and it's. Okay to still feel tired several days after making a phonecall
#idk im having a lil moment of clarity/calm in the middle of.#what feels like a storm of there Always Being Something that i need to do#and thats never gonna go away but its okay to take a breather here and there to help me keep pushing at it#feeling very positive today bc i got offered an interview for a youth councillor role locally#the main problem with it is its 20 hours a week and a 6 month contract. so i cant leave my current job for it#BUT it would allow me to reduce my hours a bit doing something hopefully less emotionally intense#the coffee shop below us ia recruiting again too which. isnt the best look tbh but i think if im doing two jobs id rather#have one there bc like. ive done fast food#i know i can handle it at its worst for at least a while and the bougie coffee place isnt likely to hit those peaks#so yeah! lots of stuff going on lots to do#definitely not talking to friends as much as i should be#but heres kind of why i guess and currently at least im. feelin pretty good!#we also made it through last month without asking for help#which. is huge but being undercut a little by me spending more than i intended and being mega nervous abt it#not sure how this month is gonna go. but. baby steps.
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Benadryl my enemy and also my best friend
#unfortunately i am icarus reincarnated and i always tempt fate when i buy a new bottle of benadryl . currently waiting for twenty to hit#im already regretting it#i took it WAY too late . it's almost 10:30 dude im gonna be fucked tomorrow morning#i sleep in so much after taking more than like twelve#currently tryna find a show or a game or something to watch for when this hits bc im not gonna be able to do shit#and im just gonna spend three hours staring at the blank space my phone should be again#drug abuse#tagging it for blacklist reasons#sorry its like . recreational benadryl abuse that i partake in regularly
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#yea. this dizziness and lightheadedness and heart shebang is worse than good old#fibromyalgia brain fog and exhaustion and zombie like state#i actually hate this#id actually so much rather trade this for being in more physical pain#im laying down and still feel so lightheaded and out of it#it feels like i spend 4 hours smoking too much weed except im sober#or like I haven't slept in days#everything is fuzzy snd its like my head isnt properly attacked to my neck#theres definetely something wrong w the nerves in my neck and spine#every time the dizziness and light-headedness and heart beating#out of my chest starts the back of my neck feels deeply deeply uncomfortable#not hurting necessarily but like something in my spine isnt connected properly
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#tired of the leave america shit#hate my country and hate defending it but it feels like i have to with Harry and Louis#what started as a joke has spiraled out of control like being happy when Americans don't get something#some of you that aren't from here i honestly don't think you understand how large our country actually is#and im tired of having the conversation of how its normal for NA to have more dates on a tour then the uk and Europe or LATAM#because of how spread out our country is and the time it takes to get to one state to the next#unless you have the money or get very lucky and your vacation you always take (like me ) lines up with tour dates you're shit out of luck#of going to one ahow let alone multiple#like with the residency it was why are the same people there every night because they probably live in NY or NJ or LA or Chicago or Austin#and its just the ticket prices for them but for everyone else in the country we had to think about airfare hotels gas (if we drove)#i ended up spending well over 5000 to see Harry in NY but there were people there all fifteen nights#because they could go home and eat the food in their fridge and maybe go to their job the next day#if la would have gotten that aotv premiere people would have said Americans get everything but news flash#i will probably never see LA and i live in the same god damn country as it but a plane is three hours and a car ride is three days#are we more privileged than most countries hell yeah but just because an artist does something in our country doesn't mean its easy access#god after that maybe i need to leave fandom for awhile#rant
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what does it mean when i feel like each minute passes excruciatingly slowly even when i invest my full attention into something for what feels like a long time
#cro zone#like i will zone out and have what feels like 20 minutes worth of thoughts and then i zone back in and 3 minutes have passed#or like the space between each second is so vast even though im not actively counting them#is it just my brain firing more rapidly than it needs to thus simultaneously over- and under-stimulating itself?#making me feel exhausted and burnt out despite not having done anything???#i hatethis ik its caused by something between my autism and cptsd but like .what do i do about it. besides drugs#plixiphobia is crazy i would literally rather take pills off the sidewalk than spend an hour not doing anything#meanwhile my brain is like 'any moment could be your last so each moment is going to be approximately 3.5 hours'
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arts so stupid whyd i have to choose it to be The Thing I Do
#put effort into shit and spend hours on it and then it gets nothing and it sucks#or dont and either you get deserved nothing or you feel bad that the bad shit got popular#usually the first kne#god why couldn't i have done like literally anything else#is it my style i know its not the best but i didnt think it was that bad#or am i just not good at it. am i making myself look stupid#tumblrs fucking awful but everyones on here twitters barely better i get more but its just the same like 7 mutuals#shoutout those guys btw. love all of my mutuals but the same few ppl on twitter that like like all my art are inspiring idk how#they deal with me#tiktoks fine i get like 30-50 likes per art dump bit then again when my average likes over there are over a hundred if not 200#its not as nice#god im such a self centered freak arent i why do i even care about fucking social media shit#i tell myself that but then like last night this plus like one person ignoring me managed to make me suicidal for a few hours#so thats nice#trying so hard to not be jealous and a bitch but at the same time what makes me so much worse than everyone else that the stuff i put so#much effort into gets so little attention while people can put barely anything into something and get so much#god i really need to get offline#but theres literally nothing irl for me to do instead#and online is where all the stuff pertaining to my hyperfixation is#someone just fucking kill me at this point#jello shut up challenge#am i having an episode or some shit im actually so serious for the past like month or two ive been like this every night#man i really wish my therapist hadnt quit right about now
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weird how this year like basically every fiction thing ive been into has been mystery crime sort of stuff
#there was yuumorri riverrs of london ace atorneh and crime i punishment#which isnt very many things for a whole half a year#theres been a few other things ive watched and read as well i suppose#but ive been getting into new stuff way less than i used to#useless loser reading too much bloody fanfiction i didnt used to do that#i know its not tumblr cause i did used to do that#though also like since i started uni i suppose thats not really a reason but the second part of last calender year was similar#though now im just confused what was when its not that confusing is it#anyway im not sure im really more busy now im at uni#i mean i spend so much time doing nothing just on my phone or whatever#and a lot less hours objectively#not even sure ive got that much more going on probably less#like i do remember being at least a bit busy with a levels at school even though i didnt have a life then either#ive had the habbit of obsessing over things to cope with not having a life and not wanting to have to think about doing stuff i have to#ive been doing that for ages but as time goes on i do think ive become more dispassionate or something#not that thats really got anything to do with it#but i can at least say that a year living alone with like responsibilities or something like whatever not like i really did much#i seem just to be becoming lazier and lazier if i cant even be bothered to read or watch tv much what the fuck#like i genuinly dont think theres been that much pressure than school#like there was lots academically back then and also i didnt know what i was going to do after#i do think not talking to people has a bad overall effect in the long term in a lot of aspects but i dont know how exactly that relates#to whatever im talking about or how to explain it to prove it
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I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .
#im violently nauseous rn and ik its judt bc ive been in a straining position and also i ate like 20 slimjins but like km only gonna get 5#hours of sleep maximum im gonna have a headache im so tired of everything i wanna have a day off but i cant. Its only tuesday and im#already liek Please can we be done please no more this week all done all done#im so fucking sick of working i dont want to have to work for the next 40 years Minimum. i hate everythingbon earth#i dont understand how ppl work fulltime and have a life i only get 2 live At all on weekends#and even then its only 1 day saturday bc sunday is my Doing all my chores and stuff day#so i do all my laundry i tidy up the room Et cetera. i dont udnerstand how people can just do this forever#it genuinely feels like. bc i leave 4 work at 6am. i get home around 5pm. im supposed to go to bed. well technically i should go 2 bed at#9 to get a full 9 hours but look man . that would give me 4 hours a day to be a person#so my bedtime is officially 10 but usually i go to bed at 12 which means i dont get enough sleep which means as soon as i getnoff work the#next day im even less willing to do anything#+ doing anything fun fucking costs money if not the thing itself the travel expenses. and if i spend money i just have to work to make that#money back i fucking hate it. and im doing this for what. so that in 40 years i can retire and then 10 years after that oh no unforeseen#expenses or something suddenly my retirement isnt cutting it i have to go work at fucking walmart or something as a 70 year old judt to#make ends meet. god. And when the fuck am i supposed to have kids i want kids very badly one day but how the fuck am i supposed to have#kids if id only be able to spend Maximum 6 hours a day with them. thats if my work is like Doectly next door.#how. how. how. less than 6 hours even bc theyd go to bed before i did so rly like 3 hours a day with my theoretical kids Im an awful#theoretical parent and maybe my theoretical spouse works less hours so they can be home with the kids but they resent me for always being#at fucking work 9 hours a fucking day and they resent me for not being there for our theoretical kids Im sorry theoretical partner i want#to fucking be there but SOMEBODY has to put money into our theoretical savings account. UGH!!!#i hate work i hate it i hate it#i dont even hate my job i just hate that its my entire fucking life#i hate that i essentially get half a day every week thats truly mine that i get to do whatever i want. and in my current situation i barely#even fucking get that idk.
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