#and even then its only 1 day saturday bc sunday is my Doing all my chores and stuff day

[nomaishuttle]

I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .

[mere-glim]

fuckkkk i want to quit my job soo bad but the guilt..... :((

[pianistbynight]

days 1-7 of a slow but meaningful summer

this is really the only part of traumerei that i can play sort of fluently...sort of, because you can still hear some hesitation as i try to remember the right notes 😅

thursday | 08/08/24

Started Leviathan Wakes

Tested out of U1 in Japanese and started U2 (loving its similarities to French cuz more familiarity = faster learning curve hopefully?🤞🏻)

Practiced piano...some old scales to warm up + the Clementi sonatina (coming back to it after a 2-3 day break was a good idea! somehow my steadiness has improved! also coming to appreciate metronome practice. sight-reading for the day = a few new bars on the 2nd page) + playing around with Kinderszenen (at this point I just wanted to hear different sounds and it wasn't very productive practice)

Read more of the HSP book

Most likely will have to revise my goals bc I don't think I can make decent progress in all the songs I wanted to in 4 weeks...like, to bring 1 L7 song to performance level after years of not performing anything + without a teacher will probably take longer than it used to. Not sure exactly what that looks like yet other than that it's definitely not gonna be all of Kinderszenen... 😂

friday | 08/09/24

practice wasn't very good today...i kept making silly mistakes i didn't used to make. i'm tired. that's why. i also forgot to do my japanese lesson. i didn't feel like reading either. i don't remember what else i did that day.

saturday | 08/10/24

drained of all energy. didn't practice. didn't do japanese. just chilled with @zzzzzestforlife for the most part and started reading what you are looking for is in the library on her recommendation. i love how philosophical japanese fiction is fjsjdkdks ☺️☺️☺️ (and more generally, i'm surprised that for a culture so new to me, a lot of their ways are just...second nature to my personality...it was very relieving. but i also feel that if i were to live in such a place full time, i would be staying too much in my comfort zone...i also don't know that i would want to ever live in Japan since there are also some important aspects about my current home that i'd miss terribly. all this to say, i'd like to visit Japan again at some point in my lifetime.)

sunday | 08/11/24

went to bed feeling very drained, frustrated, and homesick. so as you can imagine, i didn't get very good sleep. my bare minimum goals for today are:

japanese lesson

read zesty's book recs (there's the library book, the secret adversary [which she rec'd back to me after i rec'd it to her a couple months ago lol], and leviathan wakes) ✅

monday | 08/12/24

finally read the last of the clementi sonatina! got it to a "meh" level to polish in the next few days. super excited! played a few other pieces after that but i think i should focus on level 7 pieces for now before jumping into something barely readable but still playable. i should've brought some level 8 sheet music with me too...but i guess i can read from my laptop (god save my eyes if i do that lol 😵)

might put Kinderszenen back on the (mental music) shelf for now.

i also read more of what you are looking for is in the library and i just love how much there is to ponder about what was said. insightful fiction is my favorite fiction 💗

tuesday | 08/13/24

finished What You Are Looking For Is In The Library! it's such a good book. it's a short story collection but each story is in the same universe and while each story is independent (convienient for readers like me who like to take their time with books but sometimes take so much time that they forget what the story was lol), they're connected in ways that...you know that feeling when you bump into an old acquaintance in a completely foreign place you don't expect to meet anyone you know? that feeling is what i felt as i read chapter after chapter. it makes the vast world feel less lonely.

in the evening i tried to memorize and get the clementi sonatina up to speed. i guess i must be succeeding because my dad said it'd make mice dance lol. also played a bit of traumerei...trying to read more of it but progress is slower since i need to pay closer attention to which notes to hold and when to let go of them.

wednesday | 08/14/24

started reading sweet bean paste today (another japanese book... they're quickly becoming my favorite type of book.) i like it so far. there's potential for a lot of warmth and emotion in talking about food, which is just 🥰

also started "Databases: Modeling and Theory" on edx... 🙈 i'm auditing so i only have 2 weeks (until Aug. 28) to access the material (because the minimum amount of time needed to complete the course is 2 weeks gahhh). so i need to be halfway by Aug. 19. in theory i can do this if i put in 2h of work each day. it's too hot to play piano during the day, so i can do databases then and play piano at night. yes, i can do this. (i need to get my brain used to a faster, "left-brained" pace anyway in prep for school in september. 🙁)

continuing to polish the clementi sonatina and started reading this kuhlau sonatina which is pretty fun difficult. it's really just the left hand that makes it suck. haven't figured out how to move so that the staccatos are sharp despite the finger pedaling. i can do it slow, but not fast while staying quiet, so i must be doing something wrong. sometimes you just gotta sit on it, i guess.

[woefulangelofsorrow]

WOULD YOU SURVIVE MY UNHEALTHY 2024 DIET THAT ALMOST GOT ME ENDING UP DEAD?

High Res, Semi Recov, working on it, I dont endorse this

This didn't even make me skinny btw. I just keep binge eating like shit.

DO NOT DO THIS!!! THIS IS THE DIET OF SOMEONE WHO HAS EXTREME DEFICIENCIES IN ALMOST ALL AREAS!! LITERALLY THE ONLY HEALTHY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT ITS VEGAN, OTHER THAN THAT MY DIET IS BAD.

DO NOT DO THIS. EVER.

Calories

Sunday-Friday 900 max, ideally 800

Saturday 1200 max

1-2 Cheat Days a month, december gets 3 bc of my country having 3 christmas days, january gets just 1

Safe Foods

Rice Cakes

Protein Wraps

Alpro Skyr Mango/Vanilla

Protein Powder

Protein Bars

Most Pickles Vegetables

Apples

Plum Mousse on my rice cakes

Erythritol

Oat Flakes

Cucumber

Soup

A ton of onions

Konjac Noodles

Coffee

Unsweetened Almond Milk

Foods I tend to avoid

Nuts

Seeds

Sweets

Anything made by other people

Pasta

Liquid Cals

most spreads

cereal

bread

rice

anything with high fat

anything with low protein

anything with added sugar

fast food

other

-if I finish my food and the others don't, I'm a pig

-if the portions aren't even, I will immediately want to binge

-if something doesn't have protein the calories are empty and it's a cheat meal

-only have fear foods on cheat days

-always plan my food intake for the whole week every sunday night and Stick to that plan

-try to work out for at least 15 minutes OR go for a 45 minute walk OR both every day

-Max 1 cheat (non-protein) item a day

[nathank77]

12/9/24

9:22 p.m

My hallucination is driving me fucking crazy i want to die. Im worried about sleep..I wish my brain would just stop hallucinating. Idk why it doesn't want me to be happy. We went like fucking 32 years without hallucinating... why can't we go back to that? Why does thinking about it and trying to make it not happen make it happen more???????

Like I can't stop thinking about it bc it keeps happening. I can't cope with it bc I'm not allowed to think about it and when I do it happens more.

And I mean I experience derealization a lot when it happens.. I don't talk to anyone. And I'll be in fake silence and it happens.

Sometimes I'll be in deafening silence which is like paradise to me and everyone takes it for granted... but sometimes I experience it and I'm like omg I love this and then I experience derealization and then I start hallucinating and I experience more derealization. The deafening silence feels amazing but also not real bc I never have silence. Like that ring sound that continues for a hour in deafening silence... it makes me derealize bc its never silent. But all I want is deafening silence. It's only like seconds maximum for me... but you know what I'm saying.

I don't think it's ever going to stop. And I'm never going to be married or have kids so why should I stay alive.

And now i got anxiety cause what if developing abs is dangerous. Like all those side muscles growing. Idk.

Either way I want to die. I wake up to a auditory hallucination party screaming at me the second I become conscious and I mean it's never going to stop and I'll never get away from my family and have my own family. Why should I stay and I can't even look that thing up bc I'll have anxiety.

And idk when I should stop my eye drops... I guess after tonight. Idk.. my Dr said two days. Like I said before that can cause it to come back..so tonight after my last dose marks 5 full days.. I mean it's been resolved since Saturday I think fully or Sunday. Idk

And I'm sick of washing my hands and rewashing stuff bc I find Riley's poison ivy fur on it. Hair is a huge ocd thing for me and Riley sheds so much that no matter how hard I aviod her i still find it in my room.. in my bed.. on my shoes. It disgusts me and it's not getting any easier or less anxiety provoking.

And quitting smoking seems pointless. Why should I? All I do is hallucinate and have anxiety. I'm thinking new Hampshire makes sense then i can plan that trip and finally have silence. I slowed down a little... so I mean that's something. I won't smoke a pack every 2 days more like 2 1/2 days.

[frogginlosingit]

maybe everything will be okay?

Saturday was really bad too. I was completely sick from my new medication so I stopped taking it at my own discretion since my Dr is closed Saturday and Sunday. I was puking and had a pounding headache and ever since starting the pills, I can't sleep. Worst insomnia I have had since I was a teenager and only slept 3-4 hours a night. I went to the movies that morning anyways bc my family wanted to and it was good but I was so sick I could only get a drink. I basically only had one meal all weekend... I do have an0rex1a but not that bad I am more of a stealth intermittent faster/1 meal per day guy.

Sunday I went to a kpop popup cafe thing a few towns over and it was really fun. I went with my friends and they are helping me get a job where they work. A real corpo drone job with real money AND real insurance that starts day 1. I have only ever worked stupid shitty startups and retail so it was literally a Godsend. I was so happy! They are even helping me study to get a certificate to help give me a bump but tbh guys its a little nepotism-y lmao. My friend is "referring" me so ;). I have never been this lucky with job stuff maybe moving back to my dumb hometown wasnt the worst move.

Back to the Old House by The Smiths hitting hard rn though tbh.

Today I called my dr and I finally started a fucking mood stabilizer (lamictal gang rise up). She had me on just an anti-anxiety before and not to sound fiendish BUT not even a benzo bruh it made me so sick as seen ABOVE. ANYWAYS I cannot wait to try this and I just hope I can tolerate it. I have a slight lactose intolerance but I have actually been building an immunity to lactose all summer and can now tolerate pizza, cheese sticks, and mac and cheese with no lactose enzyme pill BUT no milk, ice cream, cream cheese still SO we will see. IDK the pharmacist warned me about this?

I hope i get better soon.

[essiekuko]

that’s not fair nicole ur 5’2 ofc ur gonna be lower than 100lbs 😭😭

u guys like. i have heather duke in my pfp. how else did u expect me not to have an €d lmfao

finally getting back into f4st1ng, like it’s abt time. it’s almost christmas soon and like my whole family tree is coming over. i need my sk1nny comeback asap. my longest f4st was from sept 30 - oct 3 (mean girls day hehe) for 74hrs. i didn’t even know about keto, c4ls, i just had sunrise fast app and a dream lmfao. and i just did it just like that. now it’s nov and it’s pretty much now or never

it gets easier when u either sk1p the start of day m34l or end of day of m34l. like if u sk1pp3d brek/din u set urself up for a successful f4st. that and avoiding the kitchen at all times lmfaoo

idek anything abt berserk but i just b liking it cause of guts and casca. shld i even be liking it cause of guts and casca cause i feel like i shouldn’t like i feel like something bad happens that i don’t wanna know. which is why i’ll never read it (fanboys cry harder)

anyway i like that girl with the short blonde hair in the cute two braids i think? what era is this berserk even taking place in. looks either medieval or victorian.

i love misato sm. obviously not what she did. i mean i love mai sm, i especially like her hair and want hair like that soooo bad

this is probably the besttt mean girls broadway cast ♡ i still dk who sabrina played but ik she ate wtv role she got anyway

theres only 3 times in my life where i eat. when im on my period, when i have to study and during family events. rn im on my period AND i have to study smh. so i cant rlly f4st as long as i'd like. i rlly need to lock in especially now bc theres only abt 1 1/2 weeks left of nov and then its december and i srsly cannot be f4t in december. not again!!! my period ends this saturday so by sunday i'll start a big long f4st til the end of nov. and i made up this little challenge, i call it the advent calendar, where i f4st from december 1st to december 25 and christmas will be my big break. december is like perfect f4sting season, cause there's no more exams so no more studying and everyone's in holiday mode. i think. if i get my period before dec 25 it'll fvck everything up, cause even when i dont 3at i still get that stupid fvcking period w31ght g41n. hopefully if it does happen, it'll happen close to dec 25, but not on dec 25, but close so that by the time it's over i would've sl1mm3d back down. my old c4l intake used to be 600cal, but i notice i just 34t over that anyway, so it's 800c4l now and i dont even 34t all the way up to 800, i usually stop at around 750-780. as long as its under 1000 is all that matters. then i kinda get to thinking, if im gonna sk1p din and brek, why 3at at all lol. cause i always be 3ating at around 1-2pm if im feeling hmm idk a bit normal today. and i felt a bit normal today so i 4te unfortunately. but then again im on my period so im not normal??? also bc while i was studying i was falling over the table so i just got up and 4te immediately awww. more honestly, it's cause nobody was around. so i dove straight in and b1nged it out. thats a rlly bad habit but ik its not just my experience. 34ting when nobody's around and then f4st1ng when ur in the public eye. it should be more like this: 34ting when everyone's around to look normal and then f4st1ng when nobodys around. but then thats the thing, ppl want me to 3at, but i dont want to do what ppl want me to do, so i dont 3at kind of in protest of that. and obviously when theres no ppl around to tell me what to do........ and besides, i look normal enough. so who's gonna worry anyway??? i feel like i just annoy ppl when i dont 3at lol. shit i should've just come straight here when i felt hvngry in the first place. then i wouldn't have freaking 3aten at all lol.

OMG THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABT. if u want to see what im talking abt js search keyword 'live thru this' on my blog. also how do u do that 'below the cut' thing. cause my bulk posts are starting to annoy me.

miss destiny snow is BUILT DIFFERENTT i just had to say that before i move onto my next post but she rlly is!!!

I FOUND THAT ARTIST THAT SPECIFICALLY DRAWS THE UMMM THE THIGN!!!! THE TIGHN!!! THE THING!!! THEY DRAW THE STUFF1!!

[loversdomain]

u warn me everytime and everytime i am shocked- a cycle i cherish

IM SORRY I WAS FINISHING THE FIC I AM BACK!!!!

so obvs i started my new job last sunday, had my first proper shift tuesday just done and i work weekends. i always knew saturday was gonna be busy and it might be more stressful because of the fact the place only opened up two weeks agp. but when i tell u that nothing could have PREPARED me, 16 year old little me who just wanted to be abt 5/6 hours working and go home, for the absolute MONSTROSITY that was my shift on saturday. NOTHING HEARTPASCAL.

i used to work in a hotel, and i understand that the organisation skills of a hotel and a small family owned restaurant are gonna be drastically different- small owned or not u still need to have communication between staff members. at my old job u had to be on the ball, chefs had to tell waiters exactly what they were taking out and where and they had to be keeping their food tickets in order and stay on the ball- and at the same time waitresses had to be making sure everyone had the right food and it all went out at the same time etc etc. but at my new job its so ??? just all over the place, esp on a busy day staff needs to be able to communicate.

the way its laid out is there is 20 tables in the back, 16 in the front. majority of the front sit 2/3 people and the back mostly seat 3/4 with just under 10 tables that seat 2- when i got there a bit of the restaurant was full but it wasnt too busy (i got there at 12). at about 1 it started to get very busy, there were 5 of us on at that time so i thought it should be fine bc we also had both baristas on so none of us had to make drinks. I WAS WRONG 🤗🤗

a table of three had to wait 1 1/2 for 3 TOASTIES?? literaly sandwhiches they cook like that is ridiculous?? so many tables were waiting over an hour and then having to cancel and get a refund or keep their food and get a refund. like i wanna estimate abt £100 in refunds went out yesterday?? like thats insane.

i literally almost cried at one point bc abt 4 tables had been waiting 45mins-1hr and ALL 4 were complaining to me at once, and i had to keep apologising and saying im realy sorry and going to check up on their orders that still weren't getting done!!! and what makes it worse is that when i tried seeing how long it would be i was either getting told "theyre on the queue" or i was being ignored- and this is an open kitchen not in a seperate back part and all these customers were on back tables so every single one could see me getting ignored and then being visibly upset which was even worse. i kept apologising like my life depended on it and i think a woman was abt to start having a go but saw my eyes starting to literally water and told me it wasnt my fault and that she and everyone around whos complaining about food understands that my position is uncomfortable which was nice bc that never wouldve happened at my old job (love that woman, dk her name but she looked a bit like an amanda tbh).

anways everyone did end up getting their food who stayed but apparently the woman who started conversations with other tables (the one who looks like an amanda basically started asking ppl how long theyd been waiting for or whatever) is someone who owns a business close by and was trying to start stuff?? which idk, bc she did speak to me when i collected plates that the food was brilliant (its all fresh) and theyll come back on a less busy day ?? AND what makes me even more annoyed is that, one of the main problems the chefs had yeserday was the tickets, they kept arranging them out of order and after doing one meal out of 2 or 3 they would put the ticket in the bowl of finished tables (when obvs they werent finished) so tables would get one or two meals and other would never get it or be stuck waiting for ages. so the chefs would have to start digging thru this bowl of receipts in order to find the rest of an order. so today i suggested rather than using a bowl, a spike would be better because that way it wouldnt be messy and itd be easier to find tickets bc theyd all be in order. i also suggested rather than throwing away the receipt that come to the baristas when theyve made drinks, they give it to waitresses to put somewhere by the kitchen so they know whats going out. and i was shut down immediately ?? bc apparently me and all the other waitresses experiencing stress from customers firsthand rather than the chefs/kitchen wasnt enough of a shout to perhaps make some changes with communication and small ways to make life easier (sarcasm). like my boss fully tried saying "no no they werent the problems, the customers were" ??? SORRY?? if i had to wait over an hour for my food as one of the early customers who came in just before rush started id be pretty pissed too, and either way in hospitality, the customer is always right (act like that to their face anyways)- so blaming everything on them when in this case it was the kitchen's fault is giving i dont want to take accountability for my faults 😟😟 like okay sir whatever u say !!! but at least i got over a hundred quid for this week and 60 in the saving so im well sorted

i just saw theres a part 2 to the fic that ruined my life. do i read it ?? do i ?! OFC i do i strive of off emotional pain duh!! BRB

also omg i have to tell u abt my new job its insane 😭😭

HAHAHA we are one and the same here !!! but hey don’t say i didn’t warn you of the angst 🫡

oh?!?! pls do tell YOU CANT LEAVE ME IN SUSPENSE LIKE THIS!!! come BACK!!!

[antpernas]

this post is just to send to my therapist but read if you want to hear the story of how I fell in love with Scorpio (copied from my instagram posts made at the time)

OK PART 1 STORYTIMEE so it was thursday evening i think and i was at bens house and i wanted to (nothing new) rip my head off bc ben was fucking irritating as always nothing new ! i was swiping on tinder no biggie and i matched with andy so i sent him a message telling him i thought he was cute, already within 5 seconds of convo i thought he was either a) just a really confident and aggressively extroverted person or b) legitimately insane, and then after five minutes he asked (since id only be there til sunday) if i wanted to meet up to play piano for funsies and i said Fuck yea! we met halfway at a cute little park and started chatting and he was suchhh a sweetheart and told me more about what this date was on the way back to his area, we ended up staying the night at a church he works at to play on their piano and just goof off but when i tell youuuuy i wasnt ready to a) be serenaded and b) be so encouraged and supported by himm...!!!! im already nervous about piano and playing for people bc im self taught and definitely playing for somebody whos classically trained (and that im trying to court no less) didnt help either but he was so sweet and so genuinely impressed and from the way he said he was going crazy for me i swearrr my heart started doing flipsss he was so sweet we literally just played music with/for each other with candles lit for like 2 hourss then after that we danced with each other and sang spanish love songs and then i geeked about classical music i liked to him and he listened through all my half baked analyses and he was just 🥺🥺🥺 unbelievaaableeeee

anyway we did end up fucking and sleeping in the church BUT besides the point anyway the next day he had promised to go to a weekend nudist retreat with his friend and i was like yes of course i had a wonderful time with you i hope u enjoy the retreat etc. but on the inside i was using my intestines to snap my ribs and stab myself in the heart and lungs bc i knew i was going to have to stay with ben the rest of the trip after such an amazing night... fast forward to friday evening and andy texts me saying his friend was being a prick and that if i was willing to hang out hed come back early and spend time with me... now mind you im not one to celebrate someones misfortunes nor encourage ill sentiment between people... but i DEFINITELY was very happy that i was going to get to see andy again so of course i said "yes please literally kidnap me" and so saturday morning we meet at the park again and he tells me about why his short trip was shit and i tell him about why mine had been shit bc i forgot to explain it thursday night and then we agree to forget about both our shitty gay friends and have fun so he takes me to laguna beach and we go free diving/snorkeling (its my first time) and as soon as we step back onto the beach from like 30 minutes of diving all he does is shower me in praise and kiss me and tell me how impressed he is and all i could think was 🥺 wow and tbh looking back im not sure if me losing my balance and breath at that moment was because of lack of oxygen or because of him flattering me but anyway we got all our stuff and went to a second point to snorkel again, it was high tide so it was hard to get past the rocky part at first and he ended up getting cut trying to wait for me but he assured me it was ok and we swam out together and saw some beautiful sea grass fields and kelp forests 🥺🥺 then after that we went and got dinner and i managed to cover the bill while he was in the bathroom jejeje >:) he tried to pay me back but i just used the cash he gave me as an extra tip (a 100% tip ! yup yup) then after that we went to a second beach and after like 30 mins of looking for parking managed to find a spot!! continued in next post

PART 3 but yea we found a spot and played volleyball and watched the sunset and once i started getting back into the groove of playing (i hadnt played in a HOTTT minute) he was sooo sweet and playfully competitive and im jushdktnrkdjr just so fun and then after that we walked down towards pier and he was blasting music and dancing and ngl i was rly nervous about it but everybody was just super chill and some ppl even started dancing w him and i thought it was so cutee so i just started dancing along side him all the way down to the showers to rinse off and at the showers we just full on started salsa dancing with each other and everybody was so supportive and im 🥺🥺 then after that we went back to the car and started driving back to LA and we came up w the idea to just get a hotel room and have him take me to the airport in the morning and we DID IT also mind you every single time we were in the car we were showing each other music and it was mostly me showing him music and then me geeking and fawning over different artists or pieces in front of him ANYWAYprobably the weirdest part was dropping by bens place to get my stuff but yknow what the brief minute of awkwardness was WORTHHH getting to spend the rest of my time with andy cuz the hotel was so cute we just cuddled and ordered thai food (they fucked up our order so we got a second batch of food for free) and listened to more music and im just 🥺 the next morning he had to rush out because we woke up late and he had promised a friend of his to pick her up from somewhere and he ended up leaving his shirt behind and i still dk if it was on purpose 🥺 after that i took a lyft to the airport and yeah that was my story of how i became obsessed w this cute music teacher 🗿

[ivyglow]

11. Fluff Nate Mack, happy Valentine’s Day!!! 🥰🥰

From Valentine’s day prompt: 11. 💍 “Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?”

word count: 1k+ (I got carried away again)

warnings: it's full of typos bc I did not proofread and it's 1 am...

‘I wanted to see you on Sunday’ your phone pings with a message from Nathan and you sigh.

“Who’s that?” glancing your best friend asked before looking back at the TV.

“Nate,” you murmured.

It’s been one year since you’ve met Nathan through mutual friends and 4 months since you started hooking up, caught up into that foggy friends with benefit space. When you slept together for the first time you thought that was it, you wouldn’t be friends anymore, especially because you woke up alone without a note, and you knew he was at practice, but a message wouldn’t hurt right?! But the next thing you knew he was at your door two days later with take-out and his unbothered expression. That night he kissed you goodnight -on the lips!- and was your company until you were sound asleep. And although you tried to think that he would eventually make things official -you were exclusive after the first week- he didn’t and you kept fighting between being mad and still seeing him. You knew he liked you, you were almost sure he did, but you had no idea how much, and considering he didn’t make you official just proves a point to your insecurities.

“He wants to see me on Sunday,” you explain.

“Oh so now he’s your Valetine?” Kate objects and you shrugs. “Are you going?”

“I don’t have anything to do on Sunday, you’re going out with Tyson so I’ll mop here…” and even if you did have something to do, you would probably do it faster so you could see him because aside from everything Nate made you feel good, at least while he was around.

Your friend just nods her head before looking focusing her attention on the movie again, you knew she wasn’t very happy though. She was the one rooting for you and Nate at first, and then one month into seeing him she was mad with the fact that he didn’t have the balls to ask you to be his girlfriend yet.

‘I think I can make it’ it’s your answer to Nate’s text.

‘Can you make it on Saturday night too? I wanted you to stay the night’

You answer with an yes again before locking you phone and putting it under the pillow.

Two days after you’re knocking at his door with your overnight bag and a giddy sensation. Nate greeted you with a chaste kiss before hushing you inside. Saturday was spent watching action movies, eating pop corn and cuddling, you didn’t have sex like you would usually do and to that you were a little bit confused, but happy nevertheless. You fell asleep on his couch only to wake up on Sunday on his bed.

The sun was streaming through the curtains giving the room a warmer sensation in contrast with how cold your foot felt without Nate beside you. His side of the bed was still warm though and so you rolled on top of it snuggling on his pillow, it took only some seconds before you were sound asleep again.

This time you were woke by soft lips on your exposed belly button, lips that trailed a path along your body until they finally reach your lips. You smiled, praying that it wasn’t a dream, and when you opened your eyes you were sure it wasn’t, no way a dream would be so accurate with his beauty. There was nothing sexier to you than morning Nathan, from his even deeper voice to his messy hair and rosy cheeks.

“Good morning,” you whispered threading your fingers along his short locks of hair.

“Morning, I got us a breakfast basket,” he motions to the corner of the bed and you stretch your body before turning your face to the big basket at your foot. It’s black so you can see that there’s a small arrangement of flowers inside along with what seems to be cheese, bread, strawberries, and all your favorite sunrise foods.

“That’s so cute! Thank you, Mack,” you shriek and he chuckles.

You move to the basket taking off the bow and grabbing a bunch of grapes. It’s in the middle of your chewing process that he decides to speak, sitting closer to you and the basket Nathan grabs a strawberry and you know it’s just to occupy his hands since he says that it tastes somehow more sower than sweet most of the time. “I wanted to ask you something,” he starts and you nod for him to keep going. “Will you be my girlfriend?” and you stop in the middle of your bite. Your eyebrows arch in confusion and your heart picks its pace.

Your silence seems to make Nathan more nervous than he already looks and so he starts explaining himself, “you know I’m not that good with romance, and I meant to ask you this since December, but then you went to your family’s early to spend the holidays and the boys told me to do it during Valentine's, according to EJ it would sound romantic even if it was me asking and it was hard for me to fuck this up. Did I fuck this up? I’m so sor-” you interrupt his ramble with a kiss, it’s even softer than the one he gave you earlier and you can taste cocoa from his tongue. His big hands grabbing your body closer as if you were about to vanish, you felt his body relax after some seconds and you loved how good it felt to be held by him at that moment. Held by your boyfriend.

“Have you ever heard that it’s no fun when the boyfriend don’t let space for the girlfriend to talk?” you joke and his face glows.

“Thank you for understanding my love language,” he whispers kissing your cheeks and you smile brightly.

“It’s called love language for a reason, baby, we’ll just learn each others and get better at it with time,” you point before going for his mouth one more time, you would never get enough of him specially now that he was officially yours.

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[hackedmotionsensors]

back when it went on sale again I picked up the full copy of ffxiv. And on Saturday night I was like ok I had a really bad day lets just kill some scorpions or whatever. Lol And then I had another debacle.. 

So I made a new guy thinking I had lost all my data on my previous character. I wasted basically four hours reinstalling, uninstalling, reinstalling and doing a character creation. And by the time it was all done it was already midnight so I said fuck it I’m already in a terrible mood I’m not gonna even attempt to try this now.

And I lost most of sunday in a haze (I was feeling physically unwell as well as emotionally)

but somehow I got a second wind around 11pm asdfasdfa

And was able to draw a little and play ffxiv for much much much too long (I only just stopped and its like almost 9am)

Anywayyyyy here’s my new boooyyy I stole his name from a Leonin DND character I made up woops. But also of course he has brown skin and pink hair. Of course he does. I MEANT!!!!!!! for it to be purple but I thought it was a different hue in the character creation adfasda

He looks very serious bc your WoL always looks really serious but in my head he’s a number 1 fuckboi. And I’m furious his armor keeps covering up his boobies He’s a Lancer atm but I want him to be a dragoon uwu

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[melancoryphus]

50 Questions You Have Never Been Asked

i was tagged by @loverofelves​ :3c thank u <3

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

black, nothing special, my mom got it from a dollar store for me bc my old one was literally falling apart but i refused to replace it

2. A food you never eat?

the only thing i can think of that i would probably not eat even if that meant it gets thrown away is steak, or any cut of red meat. i have a lot of trouble swallowing it for some reason. most other foods i hate i would still rather eat than waste them

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

theres no really comfortable temperature for me i think. im always either too warm or too cold. but since i spend most time in my bedroom which only gets sunlight for about 4 hours a day, im usually too cold

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

painting with watercolours and listening to music

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

i avoid sweets so i dont really know the different breeds of candy bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

ive participated in a few swimming tournaments when i was younger and a friend dragged me to see an ice hockey match a few years ago

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

'hey’ at my cats because they were climbing my shelf....

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

not really a flavour, but strawberry sundae, with real strawberries and white chocolate... theres nothing quite like it

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

tap water

10. Do you like your wallet?

its a huge black leather wallet. i wanted one like this really bad when i was like 14 yrs old, now i kinda think its too big. but i like that it has space for all kinds of clutter like cards and pictures... i want to say i feel neutral about it but considering how long ive had it im probably at least a little attached

11. What was the last thing you ate?

a small bowl of plain oats with milk for breakfast

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

no... im saving my money for useless things rn!

13. The last sporting event you watched?

im really not into sports so whenever i watch sports it i dont do so deliberately. uhm. i think biathlon was on tv one time a few months ago when i visited my dad

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

i like it when its sweet but not so much that your fingers get terribly sticky from it

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

my dad probably

16. Ever go camping?

yea i went camping w my dad a lot when i was younger, almost every summer for 8 years. im mentioning my dad a lot here. we are not as close as one might think

17. Do you take vitamins?

no

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

no im too pretty

19. Do you have a tan?

no, but my right arm is a bit red from sitting on my balcony too long yesterday

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

depends entirely on my mood, i dont have a general preference

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

only when i want to act like a slut which is never

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

i usually wear black tights

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

I CANT DRIVE AND I NEVER WILL and if you drive above the speed limit thats +5 on your sin counter. i will know

24. What terrifies you?

those scary creepypasta images, communication, and anything unpredictable. also the possibility that jjba part 7 will be animated entirely in cgi

25. Look to your left what do you see?

a manga panel of dio i traced and taped to my wall, a bunch of jjba prints, and a tiny sticker of diego

26. What core do you hate?

if this is about music... i actually dont even want to spell out the name of that genre, thats how disgusting it is. its got to do with anime

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

that time in like, 7th grade, where english class was mostly about learning australian vocabulary

28. What is your favorite soda?

i dont drink soda im so scared of the liquid sugar but like cherry or vanilla coke probably

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

i dont ever go to fast food places, but if i did id hit the drive thru. inside its too loud and i hate when people can watch me eat

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

in person... my dad i think

31. Favorite cut of beef?

its all bad

32. Last song you listened to?

all the fools sailed away by dio (the band with real life people in it)

33. Last book you read?

der unsichtbare apfel by robert gwisdek. im still reading it actually im just too busy to finish anything rn

34. Favorite day of the week?

saturday of course!! although last night there was someone in front of my window at 3am who screamed for two seconds for seemingly no reason. this stuff doesnt happen on weekdays

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

no and im self conscious about it

36. How do you like your coffee?

black!!

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

my dr martens mary janes... easy to get in and out of... simple... cute... whats not to love. theyre starting to fall apart tho bc i wear them all the time

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

between 9 and 11 pm

39. At what time do you normally get up?

between 5 and 9 am

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

emotionally, sunrises bc sunsets remind me that the day is over and my time has run out... but aesthetically, sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

two, one weighted and one normal

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

plain white... super boring and i hate them but i used to live with a minimalist and tried to be considerate to avoid conflict

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

rum w cola or pina coladas, but i usually avoid alcohol. makes me feel like a soggy sponge and so sleepy. hate it

44. Do you play cards?

no all card games are bad!!

45. What color is your car?

i cant drive

46. Can you change a tire?

i cant even consider learning how to do it

47. What is your favorite province?

*nods*

48. Favorite job you ever had?

i hate jobs and careers and i would sooner let myself get exploded into a thousand pieces by impact with a speeding train than take up a job again

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

i was 15, in a really bad place mentally, and tried to make a point to someone... uh oh!

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

this question is guilt tripping me

[chrsitophwaltz]

MICKEY MEETS FC BAYERN (PART 4/4)

for the entire houston clownery experience click here

psa: if you’ve read the last 3 parts, then you know the drill. i just wanna add that i don’t know how coherent this is bc writing it drained me already. i typed it straight from my garbage brain so this is obviously NOT SAFE FOR WORK. if you’re brave or thirsty enough, or have holy water at the ready, then by all means please proceed.

*matthew mcconaughey voice* alright alright alright

we’ve reached the end, folks! it’s taken me longer than i thought to put this part out. mainly because my brain still can’t comprehend that this actually happened. y’all know that feeling where something happened and you just floated right through it then a few hours later when you’re all alone it hits and destroys you like a fucking trainwreck?

yeah, that’s what it’s been like.

so to recap:

friday: the team arrived. i was positioned nicely near the bus exit and my mind, body, and soul had been buzzing and ready for that moment. i had it all well-rehearsed too: niko steps out, i scream like a banshee for his name, he comes over-- with soft hair and glorious stubble and all-- to sign my shirt and take a gazillion pics. oh, and of course i try not to faint or drool all over him. it was almost fullproof. the problem? he never stepped out. he and thiago went straight to the airport for a press conference and were never in the team bus. i was ready to unleash death right then and there.

but oh well. all hope isn’t lost. i’m gonna be five rows behind the bayern bench the next day during the game anyway. got the tickets within an hour or so after sales opened. i can thirst to my heart’s content over him and his beautiful backside for two hours. and i had this huge ass sign ready, asking for his bottle. it’s bigger and brighter than my life. he CANNOT possibly miss that, right?

saturday: game day! i’ve been buzzing the entire morning and early afternoon. today’s the day! my first time inside a football (american) stadium too. and i was kinda nervous about my sign’s debut too. what if he does see it and give me his bottle? what would i do? do i manage to keep cool or do i smash it right into my eye socket in front of him? until now i still don’t know

so we go down to the stadium. my sign was getting some attention too. people, bayern fans and madridies alike, stopped me and asked what it meant (i had to sheepishly explain to random people that yes, i am indeed asking for his bottle, and no, y’all don’t wanna know why). some guy even got it on his video camera but idk what he did with it sjdfdjkfdjkfsfs

i got settled into my seat and h o l y s h i t i was so close to the pitch and the bench! all the drama? i got it! all the shirt-changing action? i got em too! and all the angry niko antics??? best believe they’re seared into my mind forever and ever!!!!

(dare i say, with full risk of sounding like a downright whore, the man’s got real juicy buns in the back oven. like, fuck me!!!! he’s fit as fucking fuck!!!!!!!! he also loves to whistle and scream instructions and mouth off to hansi on the bench. oh, and to randomly thrust his hips like nobody’s fuckin business!!!!!!!!)

(srsly niko, why do that???? GET OFF MY DAMN NECK!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! my 17-year old sister was beside me and i had to be 110% a responsible, sane adult!!!!!!! even the guy sitting behind us eventually caught on to my thirst since he saw me filming niko the whole duration of the game sddbsjfdjfnsm)

anyway, niko LOVES to hydrate and he probably finished around 4-5 bottles of water. at one point he looked over at where i was and i’m sure as h e l l he saw my sign (it was a huge ass board). but guess what? it’s like he knew just how desperate i was and kept on sexily chugging. god fucking dammit, niko!!!!

y’all know what happened to all those bottles? NOTHING! they’re just piled up on the bench never to be used again. i was right there, niko! A CRUMB! just one fuckin crumb was all i asked for!!!!!!!!!!!! he could’ve thrown that bottle straight at my fuckin face and i would’ve THANKED him

the game ended, we won, and NO BOTTLE. a bitch was sad!!! a bitch was going STIR CRAZY!!!!! the team only had one day left before they left for kansas city. i’ve been trying to get info on how to get into the practice session so i can see him and all the boys. but of course! the training session might as well be in secret because it’s invite-only!!! even the paulaner bbq event was closed. the only events that were open were the mall meet-and-greets. but those wouldn’t have niko or the rest of the boys in them.

please bear in mind again that i decided to shell out extra just to make that one day extension happen. 

i had to see the entire team. i needed to experience niko up close. if i don’t get to do this now, then god knows when i’ll get the chance to do so again.

so, driven by desperation, i made a totally uninformed decision to go to the hotel at some random time the next day. ultimately, it was either the hotel or the carl lewis track. i figured the hotel would be a safer bet since i’d been there before and it was closer to the mall where the meet-and-greets would be (just in case the worst happened and i failed to catch them before they left for practice or wherever).

hotel or track? hotel.

what time? probably 8:30.

did i know what i was doing? absolutely fucking not.

but hey, couldn’t hurt, right? it was bonkers. truly bananas. but what choice did i have? in the end, i just wanted to be able to tell myself that i tried.

sunday:

i’ve been thinking about what to call this part. here’s some of what comes to mind:

1. crazy binch follows crazy idea and it works? it’s more likely than you think!

2. if you like it (i LOVED it) then you should’ve put a ring on it (I MCFUCKIN DID!!!!! in my head at least sksdjfksdfsdfh)

3. the day kathleen krüger probably wanted my head on a spike (and i don’t blame her)!

so the events from parts 1 and 2 happened. saw and greeted kathleen krüger in decent german. it was going pretty well. somewhere in there, during the sven/leon mishap, it finally happened. the moment that i’ve been waiting for. perfection!

*record scratch* eh, not really.

look, i’m 5′3 (and 1/2, i’m gonna insist on that). leon is 6′2. sven is about 6′3 or 6′4? anyway, y’all get it. they’re tall af.

and niko? a very sexy 5′9.

so in the haze of mortification and embarrassment brought about by the sven/leon mishap, i completely missed niko going out of the hotel. the binch literally had to be positioned in between sven and leon and all the other tall german people milling around the hotel. my ass had been on alert for him nearly the entire week (and let’s be real, for months) and when the moment finally presented itself, it completely flew over my head. i nearly ruined my own damn plan.

thankfully though, i’d been chatting with the bayern staff earlier and they knew that i’d been waiting this whole time to meet niko. i wondered out loud, “ugh, when is niko gonna show up he’s usually one of the earlier ones” and the guy in the red audi fcb tour polo shirt frowned and said “what? he literally just went out. didn’t you see him?”

my world literally stopped. i wanted to slap myself. my ears were ringing.

niko, already out? how could i have missed him? had he already gone up the bus???

i literally did a 360 so fast i gave myself whiplash and saw through the glass doors the man i’d been waiting forever for. he was clad in his blue coach kit of shirt and shorts. i could also swear he was glowing like an angel (probably bc of the bright sun or the product of my thirst-addled brain, idk).

there was another problem, though: he wasn’t stopping. he was going straight for the bus. and his leggies were f a s t.

and where was i? still frozen in shock inside the freaking hotel!!!!

i’m not the fastest person in the world but man, adrenaline really does work wonders! thank goodness my brain chose that moment to regain its function and spurred my body into motion. with no fucks left to give, i ran full tilt through the throng of people leisurely heading out, past the security guards who looked at me like i was insane (i was), out of the hotel and into the courtyard where there were about 50 or so fans behind the barriers who had gathered to catch a glimpse of the team.

it was like everything was in slow-mo. there was kathleen, patiently standing near the bus door and taking inventory of the players and staff before they leave. and there was niko, with literally one foot lifted to go up the first step into the bus.

my brain did a quick calculation. even with adrenaline, he’d already be up and inside the bus by the time i get to where he was. they may have let me inside the hotel, but i knew the bus was off limits. i had to stop him before he’s out of reach. and i knew that if i missed him, then that would be the absolute last time i’d see him in houston. that was my last chance.

i already had one foot dipped into the proverbial pool of shame. i was vaguely aware that i had the hotel staff stationed near the door and some fans looking at me bc of my marathon sprint antic. why not just take the full plunge, right?

so i did the only thing i could do to stop him: i screamed for him. throat open, full diaphragm, lungs out screamed: “NIKO! NIKO PLEASE!” my voice and the desperation that it was absolutely dripping with echoed within the walls of the hotel entrance.

i don’t even know the others’ reaction to that anymore, and i don’t really wanna know. all i know was that it worked! he stopped and turned around to look. and god was he. so. beautiful!!!

overjoyed that he paused, i ran straight towards him. there was a body in front of me that i barely dodged in my haste and i belatedly realized it was the team photographer taking shots of the departure. i nearly bowled him over and destroyed his expensive camera but thankfully i somehow managed to do a the matrix-esque maneuver and ducked under his arms and up again straight back to niko. the look on my face must’ve been shocking and horrific (i bet) because as i zoomed in on niko, i saw poor kathleen just behind him, still near the bus door, go tense with her eyes as big as saucers.

look, i understand. if i were the team manager of a popular football team, and some woman was running straight for one of my charges, with A Certain Look on her face, and with the bus door wide open, i’d be worried af. she probably thought i was gonna attack niko (somewhat true, but not in the way she thought...or was it?) and/or infiltrate the team bus. my intentions were pure (ish), of course, but my face didn’t reflect that.

the Queen knew martial arts and could’ve karate-kicked me off the face of the earth and away from niko, but she didn’t. so thank you, kathleen. and i apologize.

safe from kathleen’s wrath (for now), i turned my full attention to niko. i was finally in front of him!!!!! my dream had finally come true!!!!!!!!!!!

my brain and my soul were trying to leave my body and i wasn’t really 100% percent in the moment, but even with the little presence of mind i had left it was too much to bear. niko looked a bit perplexed, like i might attack him or something (with the way i looked, ran, and shouted like an animal i totally get it), but still managed to look relaxed, open, and friendly. he looked at me expectantly and i felt my mouth move to ask for an autograph and my hands give him my cardboarded jersey and sharpie. i wasn’t in control of my body anymore but thank god it knew exactly what i wanted.

niko, a true angel sent down from the heavens above, gracefully took my shirt and sharpie. i’m pretty sure my mouth was wide open and probably had some drool hanging off, and i could feel kathleen’s stare boring holes into the side of my head. as he was signing it, my last few brain cells were roasting.

his hair was soft and ungelled, and was damp (he looked like he recently just came out of the shower) and as his head was bent down, That Stray Lock of Hair flopped into his forehead. it nearly made me pass tf out!!! the sun was also shining brightly and his stubble was already silvery (thanks to bayern’s season of clownery!) so when the light caught it, it literally shone. each strand was literally p e r f e c t i o n. perfect length, perfect texture (from the looks of it; i didn’t dare touch no matter how much i wanted to bc thankfully i still had one fragile shred of dignity left, and i’m sure kathleen would’ve brought out the shotgun), perfect everything. i was about to have a coronary right then and there.

i’ve thought a lot about what i wanted to say to him if i did get the chance to meet him and talk to him. i remembered all the highs and lows of last season and as he finished signing my shirt, i thanked him and said “good luck, niko. and don’t listen to everything they say; you’ll always have people to stand behind you and the team no matter what.” at least that’s what i thought i said. i don’t really remember bc i was half spaced out. but i must’ve said something to that effect bc he looked up from what he was doing and gave me a big, and dare i say, relieved (?), smile. god, his eyes. they were so green. and soft. and really, really kind.

he was probably surprised that i said that to him, what with my earlier crazed stunt. but of course, ever the gentleman, he said “thank you so much” G O D!!!! HIS ACCENT!!!!! if you haven’t heard him speak in english yet, or just speak at all, now’s the time to google that shit. it’s deadly af on video, but goddamn, like everything else about him in person, it’s truly something else live.

mercifully, when he gave me back my shirt and pen, i still had enough life left in me to ask for a picture before i finally passed out. i never would’ve forgiven myself if i forgot!!!

me: thanks again, niko. is it alright if we take a picture?

niko: sure, of course! (god i love him; also, he loves to say “of course” for some reason sjkdhfdfjsdkfh)

so i had my shirt and sharpie in my left hand, and was trying to work my phone with my right hand. niko sidled up real close to my left side and HOLY FUCKING SHIT. he was so warm. and his arm was f i r m. he was leaning really close and my brain was short-circuiting from trying to memorize every single detail and trying to work my phone camera.

(note: my lock screen is niko drenched in beer after they won the bundesliga. thankfully, i turned off my phone’s auto lock just the night before. imagine if he saw me trying to unlock my phone with his wet self plastered on my screen. i never would’ve survived the shame.)

as i was skin on skin with niko, my organs were literally failing. my hands were shaking and sweating, and my camera just. wouldn’t. set. on. photo. it went to video, to slow mo, to god knows what else. it was already getting embarrassing and i was mumbling apologies to niko bc i was sure i’d already taken more than enough of his time. and i haven’t forgotten that kathleen was still there! still staring at us, at me, and witnessing every single mortifying thing!!!!

niko, literally heaven itself incarnate, was so patient though and just chuckled. oh. fuck. me. his chuckle. y’all know his voice is deep af, right? and you know that certain r a s p that comes with it. well, fuck. he did this deep ass raspy chuckle that went straight down to my loins!!!!! christ on a bike!!!! my inner whore was literally about to jump out!!!!! i’ve fantasized about hearing it in person for so long but jesus fucking christ I WASN’T READY. ALL THIS TIME AND MY BODY STILL WASN’T READY!!!! AND I’M DAMN SURE IT WILL NEVER BE READY!!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS READY FOR THIS ATTACK!!!!!!!!

g o d. anyway, he finally took pity on me. he chuckled (i’m on the brink of death here!!!) and reached for my phone to help me take the goddamn photo. he set it on photo (freaking finally, thanks niko) and we posed for the photo. hell, he was so close again. while i tried to smile and look somehow decent, i just had to take away as much detail as i could before we parted.

1. i already said this, but his h a i r. so soft. and houston was freaking humid. while mine was literally about to turn into a bird’s nest from the humidity, the man just couldn’t look fugly if he tried!!! he literally had NO FRIZZ. damn niko, tell me your secret!

2. his stubble was SO CLOSE. every strand? PERFECTION. no words could adequately describe it. and holy shit, his jawline and cheekbones. if i touched it i could literally lacerate my goddamn hand. and he had no pores??? fucking sexy cryptid

3. his c h u c k l e (he wasn’t chuckling anymore, but that shit stays with you till the end of time)

4. HIS S C E N T.

okay. i have a scent kink. i know. TMI. like this whole write up is one big banner for too much fuckin information. but holy shit. HOLY S H I T. until now i still don’t know how to fully describe, and i probably never will succeed in fully conveying what it was truly like (and if my brain embellished some of it; i was really too far gone to know anything anymore), but fuck. f u c k. he wasn’t wearing perfume or cologne, i’m sure of that. nothing too artificial that stood out to my nostrils. probably bc they were going to train under the houston sun and spritzing was wasted and unnecessary. but remember that he was fresh from the shower, so that was basically his main scent. it was very nice, very crisp, very clean. basically, sexy as hell. classy. panty-melting!!!! hell, i don’t know!!!! you know what i mean!!! idk if it’s from the hotel toiletries (if it was, good job post oak hotel!) or if it’s his own (then i need to know niko! what products do you use???). but yeah. clean and crisp. d***y supreme.

and there was also something else. it must’ve been his natural scent. and god. GOD!!!! a bit woodsy (?) and quite sweet. i’ll stop there before i say something that REALLY crosses the line.

so my thumb moves, and we take the photo. ONE FREAKING PHOTO. that’s all i managed. i wasn’t able to look at it until my uber ride to the mall later on, and i really would’ve liked more to take with me and stare at when i’m....lonely. but it was magically HDR, and i looked passable. and niko. again: perfection!!!! now that i know what he’s like in the flesh, nothing else will ever come close. but this does come quite close.

after the photo was taken, i manage to squeak out another “thanks.” niko smiled again (kill me one last time, why don’t you) and squeezed my arm lightly before saying goodbye and finally going up the bus. kathleen could breathe a sigh of relief now.

i don’t know how long i stood there. surely not that long since i still got to take pics with serge, manu, and lewy. but it did feel like forever and i haven’t shaken myself out of it. as i’m writing this, exactly one week later after it happened, i still haven’t shaken myself out of it. i don’t think i ever could.

i’m just thankful to whichever deity made this happen. my houston trip was finally complete (i haven’t met everyone yet at that point, but i just somehow knew deep inside that it would all work out). i got what i came for and more. my extension was not only worth it, but completely priceless. i’ll treasure this whole day and that little moment i got with niko for the rest of my life. that’s for sure.

just to end this, i just wanna say something. i know this was one whole crazy and thirsty post, but seriously. he’s a really nice man. a good man. it wasn’t for more than a few minutes at most, but it felt like forever in my mind. and in that short moment, i just knew he tries his best. i’m a true blue niko stan but even i know he made mistakes. i’m clearheaded enough to acknowledge that. but he tries, and he succeeded. and no matter how calm and cool and collected he always appears to be, you can still see how much it all affects him. hell, he literally grayed in front of our eyes in less than a year. his eyes were a little less bright at the end of the season as compared to his presentation last july. when i gave him that little message of support, i literally saw the relief in his eyes and how much he appreciated it. he and the team have been through quite the ordeal last season, and there are no guarantees it will be easier this time around.

you don’t have to like him, you know. but please. a little basic human respect still goes a long way.

there, i said my piece. and it’s done! thank you, fc bayern, for being so nice and game and all-around wonderful. thank you, kathleen krüger, for staying calm long enough to let me have my moment with niko. and thank you, niko, just for being... you. now here’s the ONE picture i’ll treasure for the rest of my life: