#and if i quit my job i would feel bad bc ive been there less than a month and they dont have many employees and the boss spent all this time

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[mere-glim]

fuckkkk i want to quit my job soo bad but the guilt..... :((

[jo-thebesties]

tagged by @maidenofmadness

Who were you named after?

when people ask "what's jo short for?" the answer is either "because she's got little legs" or "jacking off" depending on the company

Last time you cried?

coupla days ago. im rather broke and depressed atm

Do you have kids?

nah

What sports do you play/did you play?

i used to play rugby union back in high school. i havent really been particularly active since then. i like walking and swimming.

Do you use Sarcasm?

the way this question is phrased is just completely undoing me. like, yes? of course? do people not use sarcasm?

First thing you notice about people?

i honestly dont know. like, i dont know if i really have an "approach" to observing people

Do you have any talents?

ive been painting warhammer for, like, 16 years or smth and im pretty good at it now. i like trying to make every model into a little diorama. currently im also working on my big mech army, which means lots of heraldry and intricate freehand patterns bc each mech should feel like its own art piece im also a really good cook

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

in this dichotomy, probably happy endings? i dunno, i like endings that sit with you, whether cathartic or deliberately not so

Where were you born?

sydney in australia i do kinda like it here

What are your hobbies?

cooking, warhammer (my beautiful wife got me back into playing after i had mostly just been painting for honestly nearly a decade), videogames and kink stuff

Do you have any pets?

besides me beautiful wife, no

How tall are you?

i think around 6'2 but i honestly keep on forgetting

What was your favourite subject in school?

back in high school? yeesh that was like 13 years ago. I guess it was geography. it was rather political and we had a great teacher who was trying desperately to get the kids to be less racist and more curious about the world i did like a lot of the criminal law courses that i did in uni bc they were taught in a rather critical way. like, we went through an awful lot of analyses on what even is the purpose of criminal laws and the convoluted ways in which they are shaped, the inherent corruption of the police and how the process is as much part of the punishment as the nominal sentence. i realised that i didnt really want to practice in that area because, yknow, its actually peoples lives on the line, but learning about it was good

Dream Job?

sometimes, i really want to cook. ive made burgers a couple times at home and the process of getting everything all ready for the final quick cook and assemble is rather nice. dunno if i would want to work as a cook considering what a job like that actually involves.

funnily enough, i did quite like my last job. like, it was the sort of law where i was almost a bureaucrat so it was not particularly combative and i was knowledgeable and it was a nice way to help people in an area that was low stakes but still important to them. like, i would like to abolish private property but in the world we currently live in, conveyancing aint that bad of a thing to do.

[nineliabilityrisk]

been thinking about my muses even though ive been way too busy to write. todays topic was michael so.

adding a cut bc these rambles are probably gonna end up ridiculously long

my michael uses (SHOULD use. stubborn headass often refused when he was little because he thought people would judge him.) mobility aids. even pre-scooping his repeated injuries from getting into fights / being needlessly reckless only exaggerated certain pre-existing conditions he had (weak / unstable joints + chronic pain making prolonged periods of unsupported standing / walking difficult)

when he was younger, before everything went to shit, he did get brought to the doctor and recommended an orthotic brace for his bad knee and a set of forearm crutches to help take the weight off his lower joints. he used the brace a lot when he was little and his crutches a little less often, but as he grew up and outgrew the sizing for both, there came a certain point where william couldnt be bothered to take him in for fittings or get them replaced (especially after an incident when someone at his school broke one of his crutches — after '83 william never really bothered intervening in any bullying related incidents involving michael and probably rationalized not getting him a new set by telling himself the boy deserved the treatment as punishment for what hed done)

so he stopped using said mobility aids for a good few years, but after he moved out and before the time sl rolled around, he did end up scraping together the money to at least get himself a new pair of crutches because his pain was only getting worse the longer he went without them. sure he didnt hold many jobs where he was made to stand for extended periods of time but after a certain point it ended up making some everyday tasks incredibly difficult for him

anyway um. obviously he could never bring his crutches with him into circus babys. imagine trying to crawl through a vent while dragging those things along i would die. he hated it at the time but he is at least somewhat grateful that he didnt end up losing them when he got scooped because there was no way he would end up being able to afford a replacement pair, especially not with how hard finding jobs was post-ennard

especially after ennard leaves, his Everything Hurts All The Time problems just get worse, and he ends up relying on the crutches far more than he ever did when he was alive — no matter how much (or how little) the remnant heals him, the nerve damage he experienced from his body quite literally rotting away isnt exactly something that just disappears overnight. his crutches help take some of the weight off his legs — he found out after breaking his femur that even his bones had beem affected by the animatronic's prolonged stay, seeming far more brittle than before. he gets pinched nerves / numbness from where the crutch rests just below his elbows sometimes if he puts too much pressure on them, and with a good chunk of his muscle mass rotted away its gotten far more difficult to support his weight on his arms whatsoever, but trying to walk unsupported would just be so much worse.

tl;dr: my michael af.ton is disabled and had been long before ennard happened. i dont bring it up much because i cant often find times where its relevant, but it is a fact about him that i almost always keep in mind.

[ this entire post was written by a disabled individual who uses the exact mobility aids spoken on in this post. mentioning the incidents where michaels access to his mobility aids was limited / removed by others OR younger michael refusing to use them does not mean i am trivializing such experiences or supporting those actions myself. a disabled persons mobility aids are an extension of their body and should be treated as such. taking away his crutches likely did lasting damage to his joints + the rest of his body. if you are someone who needs a mobility aid – no matter if you dont feel like you need it "enough," if you think it will help you and improve your quality of life that means you need it – never feel ashamed to use it or avoidant due to fear of the opinions of others. mobility aids are important medical devices and should be respected as such. ]

[romanarose]

Update on how things have been.

ups and downs ups and downs...

TW for depression, suicidal thoughts, sh, and ig work issues although those seem small in comparison to the other warnings

Monday was much better. Today is worse than Monday but not as bad a last week. Last week I was in serious danger to myself. If I was insured I would have committed myself for my safety.

I relapsed on SH this week, been over a year since doing that so its pretty disappointing, but not as bad as when i relapsed after like 5 years.

As some of you know, I quit my job on friday. It was my weekend job at olive garden that i'd been at for a long time, and had evn more years at different olive garden locations and long story short i was feeling a lack of respect and decent pay for certain postions so i said i was done hosting, expecting to do bread, salad, or to go. I get schedule to buss which pays worse than host and i lost it lol. Completetly. It felt like an insult. It honestly got blown out of proportion bc of my emotions but the way my general manager handled it was really disappointing and brushed me off when i wanted to talk about it on saturday. On sunday we did actually talk. One of the other managers was in the room and while i didn't feel my GM understood me, the other manager did. She said she was the one that scheduled me that and didn't mean it as an insult nor a punishment but she validated why I felt like it was. She took me off one of the bussing shifts as an act of goodwill. I'll be working less hours there and more on my on campus job but i think over all it got smoothed over enough.

But after that, i cried and cried and cried. for 45 minutes. Like i sat in the parking lot sobbing bc i could not drive. Eventually im able to get to panda express and cry more trying to calm down and get my food. I just went i with my face red a blotchy ad tears in my eyes and went home and watched My Man Godfrey via screenshare with a friend. Good movie.

Unsure how I feel. I naively thought yesterday that this was over, but one good day does not a cure make.

On the brightside, my Race and Ethnicity in america class was supossed to do a presentation on jackie robinson tomorrow and my and a classmate were gonna work on it today after class... and she said "hey i pretty much did everything, if you just wanna come to class a little early tomorrow we can go over the slides." I felt bad bc I didn't do anything but she said she really just prefers to do work by herself. She and I are both history majors and know each other well, so I know for a fact that I can return this favor some day. I started tearing up and saying how I've been struggling so this is such a relief.

Grades will be okay I think. geology is gonna suck at the end bc ive been bullshitting it all. Race and ethnicity in american will be an A i think. Just got my paper back for the other american history class, I got an A so far. Im not super confident about the research paper at the end but... If I have an A a C or something for the paper will be alright. I got my midterm back for the history research class and I though I got like a 50% lol but it was a B-. everything else has been a's so far so if i dont do great on that paper ill survive. Race and law is an A rn and I dont precieve that changing. I need to keep a 3.0 gpa to keep my scholarship one more year.

Anyway y'all dont care about any of that.

I fear as this semmester goes on there will be less and less time to write fics so be prepared. Im trying my best. Everything is awful rn and i dont wanna exist but im pulling through.

sorry for the depressing post

[ankhisms]

tw for disordered eating mentions ill be ok i just have to get this all out

going to try to not just endlessly insanely ramble about how much everything sucks but like so many little things have been piling up and weighing me down until everything jyst feels like too much and too overwhelming yknow. the one i keep dwelling on is the feeling that im not a good actor or artist and that im not doing a good enough job with my role in this musical and like my dream of being a professional tv/film actor is somehow silly or pathetic because im not a good enough actor.

and usually i would work thru those thoughts by telling myself that i was doubting myself but tonight as i was about to leave i overheard some of my castmates saying specific lines of mine like imitating how i say them and then i THOUGHT that one of them said that i "could be doing more with it" and that its "not getting enough of a reaction" but like the thing is i COULD very well have misheard what they said and i dont want to be getting mad at someone for something they didnt say and i also experience audio hallucinations at times especially when im already upset so im always kind of unsure when i overhear something but like none the less it still is like. very upsetting yknow and reminds me of everything that happened with me dropping out of being a theater major and feeling like a failure and not good enough as an actor and a person and like i know i shouldnt be dwelling on the past and should be focusing on the present and trying to move forward but also at the same time all this stuff was genuinely traumatic for me so im trying to not like beat myself up for being upset when im reminded of it and triggered by it.

but then the second thing that upset me today was actually in the beginning of the whole show when everyone is getting ready putting on stage makeup and our costumes and someone brought everyone pizza which was really sweet and nice! but one of the people who triggered me suddenly just started talking really loudly about how theyre about to break their diet for this and saying "im 110 pounds i need to lose weight" and it was so deeply uncomfortable like this person is VERY thin and i was just standing in front of the mirror trying to push away disordered eating related thoughts and trying to not spiral into them and feeling so ugly like this person is a lot thinner than me.

and then during intermission i got my meds out to take them since yknow it was the time of the day that i take them. and the other of the two people who triggered me before saw me and i hadnt even been talking to him but he just was like ummm whatre those?? and i was genuinely kind of confused as to why he was asking me so i just was like its my medication? and he was like yeah well for what. and i was annoyed and tired and didnt want to deal with this so i just went for my fucked up brain. and thankfully he took it as a joke and wasnt mad bc i didnt want to fight but god it was so invasive and uncomfortable like its none of your fucking business what theyre for me saying that its my medication should be more than enough information why would u keep pushing about that.

and just being a person has been so hard lately ive been like very aware of how hard it is for me to function and be quote unquote normal and i keep thinking about quitting that last job bc of being unable to do it both physically and mentally and just being like well what the fuck am i supposed to do how am i supposed to survive. lately ive been trying really hard to be okay and during the show ive been trying to be upbeat for everyone else to comfort the people who have nerves and to reassure everyone that theyre doing a good job but honestly things arent okay for me and i dont know what to do really about it.

a lot of times i feel like my life is some kind of joke or some bad tragicomedy story and that the author is getting a kick out of having bad things happen to me or that some deity is punishing me for something its just all. so much. idk how im going to get to a better environment let alone how i could possibly achieve any kind of creative dreams when im just feeling like giving up on everything and like all the art i make and all the acting i do is jusy pathetic and bad. itll be okay i wont give up but i just have to allow myself to not be okay rn yknow. thank you if you read all this ily i hope ur doing well

[gendice]

;

[kingsephir]

I cut my hair really short and now im sad about it. But I cut it bc it was falling out like crazy and being horrible and getting everywhere and I found it disgusting and disturbing (all the hair everywhere)

But it’s just hair and when I get healthy again and it stops falling out I’ll grow it back out.

But idk. Im sad about it :(( I want it to be so long. But it was making me so mad. I think its a delayed thing from being so sick a couple months ago.

I miss my mom. I don’t miss the weird way she’d treat me but I miss the her that would treat me well and talk tk me and we’d have fun.

I feel bad for having my husband so far away from his family and such. I feel like im not always attentive either. He never makes me feel like less but my brain is dumb and keeps telling me im not enough.

Im so lonely yet so overstimulated and just want to be alone for awhile. I feel claustrophobic in a way.

I sometimes think im not cut out for this job. I never wanted to be a teacher. In fact I was very against it for many years. And I still don’t want to be a teacher. Other people seem to have such fun on this job- like they really enjoy the kids and I feel it’s wasted on me.

I feel I act too childlike and cutesy with my husband and I hate it. Like, I like the attention and it’s fun but also it’s not me and I feel like I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into that.

Im stressed in the way that im not doing the things I need to and I feel like I have no outlet.

Atleast we have internet now and I can play overwatch again. But even then, I need a physical component. I feel so pent up. Im sad that my igloo got filled in.

It’s so stupid bc I feel like im failing or not living up to things but really im doing quite good. Im studying languages, working in Japanese, making good relations with my coworkers, I got us internet all by myself, people like me….. but…. I don’t always like me….

I just want to get stuff done. Stop being so blocked by some kind of invisible force. I want to get my paperwork done, and hang up my clothes, and put things away after I use them. My knees are still hurt from falling on the ice and I need to get on stretching and my vitamins and some movement to help them so I can run when it becomes spring. But eveything is so messy all the time I don’t have room to put or do anything and I have this house that I was hoping was empty and I could have a fresh start but it has all this stuff that isnt mine in it and its covered in dog hair and im allergic to dogs and it’s so annoying. It feels like I take 3 steps foreward and often 2-3 steps back.

I miss my hair im so sad it’s falling out so much. I feel ive been getting mentally worse and worse and worse. I just want to be left alone so I can deal with it but I have my husband to take care of. Which is fine! I like that! But also I just feel like im not ready… I have issues I need to pull through myself and I don’t feel like I have time or room to do that. But why can’t I just make room? Why can’t I just deal with it while he is here? Because I don’t want to negatively influence his mood. He is already having a rough time himself- he doesn’t deserve that…

At the end of march he’ll be going to Turkey to spend time with his grandma so I will have some time to collect myself. I just feel like im falling apart a bit….

It’s my constant need to want to be everything and the constant need to pursue knowledge but the inability to do so oftentimes.

I know things will work out. No matter how deserving of my blessings my brain thinks I am I still receive them. God loves me, my husband loves me, my parents love me, my friends love me. I continue to be the luckiest person on earth none the less.

Ill be okay… amazing in fact… in fact im doing rather amazing right now, I just feel like my emotions or lack there of get in the way.

I think about getting a therapist but I worry so much about being admitted, loosing my job, not being able to get another job. Idk probably things I shouldn’t be worried about. Im not suicidal at all. I love living my life and honestly that’s what pisses me off about being so upset. I shouldn’t be, I could be enjoying things but instead im fretting about. It’s annoying AS FUCK.

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part six (aka me losing my mind over the final problem)

Hi, I am once again reminding you all that I've formed a parasocial relationship with the crackhead detective 👍 This made me overly emotional for the fact that he didnt even die

But like

hhhmmmmmmmm those were certainly an interesting 14 pages

Yeah, I already made a post about how the final problem relates to yuumori's final problem and how incredibly sexy it is but yes now I'd just like to relay to you how absolutely heart brocken i am over this lol I will eventually get to reading the post hiatus stories i just. I haven't emotionally recovered from this yet

Yelling below the cut somehow this reaction feels longer than the story itself. but it's about half cracking jokes and half sobbing so be prepared

I mean, starting off strong with "well yknow since i got married my and sherlock's Very Intimate Relations had to be modified and all but we hadnt seen each other in a while so it was kind of jarring to see him crawling in my second story bedroom window clutching Wounds and closing the shutters absolutely fucking wasted losing his mind over some dude named moriarty"

We've been over this but. Oh my god why are they gay

I just like????? Imagine how fucking bizzare that would be to just see your old homie crawl into your window bleeding on your floor and asking to exit the other way in case he's followed like "hey bro can we Talk i hope you're not busy" WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SAY HE IS? Imagine watson just like "no dude I'm fucking busy go get killed"

But legitimately. That's certainly something. And like, I see a lot of books starting like this lmao but. Holmes's stuff usually starts off kind of easily with watson going "yeah so lately ive been Experiencing Sherlock Holmes" and spend 20 minutes on exposition with them having a Conversation but no. mans just fucking escaped a hitman and went directly to his boyfriend's house having apparently Never Before In His Goddamn Life mentioned his actual nemesis to this guy. How the FUCK has watson never heard of him before.

And how sherlock starts talking about it isn't any less funny he's just like "UHHH SO THERE'S THIS GUY. THIS ABSOLUTE MAN. AND HES REALLY IMPRESSIVE I MEAN HES LIKE SUPER FUCKING SMART AND HES LIKE DOING CRIMES????? SO I LIKE. I NOTICED AS I DO BUT HE NOTICED THAT I NOTICED AND I MIGHT HAVE MADE A LITTLE FUCKY WUCKY DUDE CAN YOU HELP ME LIKE. FLEE THE COUNTRY" and watson's like my dear sherlock What The Fuck

Im also loving how he calls moriarty a "mathematical celebrity" awhi;grih;oaewhhta;ioh;iaewh;ii;oewh;eh;rg mans just. ok lol hes a Math Celebrity that had to quit his math teacher job because EVERYONE JUST KNEW HE WAS A CRIME LORD LIKE THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND WENT MANS DEFINITELY HAS BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT I DONT WANT HIM TEACHING HERE

But yeah, it was interesting to see what the big deal about og moriarty was... especially since the deal simply did not deliver. There was not really a big deal. It's like reading the first chapter of a book and immediately skipping to the climax. Everything is so hyped up and clearly having been building for years and you just get like NO CONTEXT. I swear Moriarty wasn't goddamn mentioned any time before this. He's just suddenly the big guy and watson has just never fucking heard shit about this guy.

What's so funny about this whole situation is that I just. Cannot objectively know anything about Moriarty at all because sherlock just... does not go into what this dude's alleged crimes even were, other than. The fact that he like. Does them. He's just really involved in crimes. How? Why? For how long? In what way? For what purpose? NO FUCKING CLUE HE JUST. HE JUST DOES. And there's nothing to really suggest that Moriarty was honestly a really evil guy. They're all like trust me he was just. he was just really bad but show absolutely No examples of being such. The most evil thing we saw Moriarty do personally was call sherlock stupid for letting him get into the apartment. And even then he immediately followed it up with complimenting him lol

yeah, my impression of Moriarty was like. I expected him to be worse, honestly. I expected him to be like a cartoon villain because he was kind of made out to be one and then he's just honestly a really polite and refined guy?? Mans strolls the fuck into 221B like hi shawty and it is Not like yuumori obviously man's holding a gun but like. What the fuck they are just. They have never met before but They Clearly Have and it's. its so weird

Like honestly I don't dislike og moriarty. He's really what william tried to be (and fucking failed, but beside the point) but like. Dude's so powerful and for what. He just walks into the apartment with No Pretense like why sherlock holmes is that a revolver or are you just happy to see me oh my goodness you are a dolt why would you hold the gun that way. disgusting. disgraceful. dreadful. Oh my god. I love him I'm sorry

abngnahhghifeah;iewh and Why does sherlock describe him like that hes like "MANS A REALLY REFINED LIZARD /pos" HIEHIFEHW:HGIHOEWFEEW FOR WHAT. FOR W H A T

baaaaaaaaghhhhhh but likeeeee they went STRAIGHT to "you know what I'm here for" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "yeah" "mhm" "damn well it really do be like that sometimes" "ur really smart by the way" "im fucking aware let's kill each other as we both Thought in our Minds" "yes lets" AHDHDHDHDFS WTF THIS IS INSANE

But damn uh. mutual destruction my beloved this is very different from sherliam but im not. im not. opposed to it tucks hair behind ear

I just. Holy shit they really went "if you destroy me I will ensure that we both go down hand in unlovable hand" "I wouldn't mind that"

Annnnd I just noticed that the actual lines for this part kind of. that kind of happened in chapter 31 when sherlock was like i would Gladly die to take down the lord of crime and william was like. hahahah yeahNO NO NO NO

BUT SERIOUSLY THO IM LOSING MY MIND OVER HOW SHERLOCK SAYS THIS WHOLE THING TO WATSON AND HES LIKE DAMN SHAWTY HES LIKE THE REASON FOR HALF THE CRIME IN THIS CITY BUT HES SO NICE THO??? LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE TOUGH AND EVERTHING NO HES JUST SOME POLITE PROPER UNDERSTANDABLE MAN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIABOLICAL shawty is having a Crisis

And then watson is like wowww that was cool you wanna spend the night and sherlock is like "UNFORTUNATELY BESTIE I AM BEING FUCKING TRACKED DOWN ID LIKE YOU TO NOT DIE WITH ME"

This bit gave me a Moment Moment because oh my god. Then watson is like "no shut up i'm coming with you i don't care" and i just had to Take A Minute because THEY SWITCHED PLACES AAH SHERLOCK IS TRYING TO KEEP WATSON SAFE NOW AND WATSON IS NOW MORE RECKLESS BC OF HIM AND. AHHHH

Completely random but. How sherlock still refers to 221B as "our rooms" to watson even though watson hasn't lived their in years........ shawty i am emotional.........

SO THEY GODDAMN FLEE THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BC WATSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER AND SHERLOCK HAS A MOMENT WHERE HE'S LIKE YEAH NEVERMIND PLEASE GO HOME WATSON AND WATSON IS JUST LIKE. NO. AND HSERLOCK IS LIKE. DAMN OK I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE

But. Ok as funny as this is. They have this fucking Conversation on the train to switzerland where sherlock is like "I have not lived in vain" and watson is like "YOURE NOT DYING" and hes like "i have not lived in vain. like i said. this will not be a bad way to die" UHHHHHH DAMN SHAWTY

hhhhhh and it just Gets. it. it. it Gets. These fuckers get to switzerland and they stay in a hotel and then leave for reichenbach but watson gets this goddamn letter telling him that hes needed at the hotel to basically save this lady's life. And he doesn't. Like. he doesn't even want to go he's like FUCK IT SHE CAN DIE IM NOT LEAVING YOU but sherlock convinces him to go fULLY KNOWING THE LETTER WAS FUCKING FAKED BY MORIARTY JUST AS A PLOY TO GET HIM ALONE

AND THEN HE JUST. WENT ANYWAY AND WATSON HAD TO WATCH HIM JUST LIKE GODDAMN WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET LIKE "LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM BUT IT JUST. IT HAD THAT VIBE YKNOW"

God I just. Wow sherlock really did that huh. He really went and did that. And I went over it in the post about this compared to yuumori but it just RUINED me how watson just. Never saw what happened and there's just so little information about it that all they have is these assumptions and pieces that just suggest that these guys met up, walked up to the goddamn waterfall having a nice civil conversation about how talented and smart they both were at this and how they revealed their methods to each other and complimented them because of course they did

And they just sat up there talking to each other so long and Moriarty legit waited politely or even possibly was the one that suggested he write a letter to watson in which sherlock just went "damn lol moriarty's pretty nice actually anyway uhhhh sorry watson ily ✌" and just like. left it up there in his damn cigarette box

But just like. damn the insinuation that moriarty just sat there and watched while he wrote that entire goddamn letter, sealed it up, and then got up and went alright buddy let's go but it makes no goddamn sense if they wanted to actually kill each other and assure they themselves would survive I could name like 23 different ways they could have managed it so easily and they Didn't. they were really set on mutual destruction huh. There's no way they were even trying to do anything but Die Together at that point and that's Something huh

It absolutely baffles me how they could say that these guys had plummetted like, holding each other tho. Like. ok lol but How Do You Even Know

It was certainly a ride. But the fact that Watson had to actively try to think like Sherlock to figure out what happened in the scene was just. The cherry on top. Especially after they'd consciously started to switch roles in this i just. Damn.

In conclusion uhhhhhhhh gay people real I suppose

[figula]

this week -

1. ive been doing a LOT better - that’s one of the good things about my madness - i go down very quickly but also rebound pretty fast. i think the one thing that bothers me is the memory of when things were bad for like a good year, and there was no rebounding, just a slow crawl out of the worst of it. HOWEVER - I haven’t been like long-term non-functional in literally like 10y and i think it’s probably a mistake to worry so much about the possibility of the next breadown being The Next Big One bc i think my life is so different now to when it was back then that it’s unlikely to become quite so bad anyway

2. not having a wall is really bothering me tho. one of my long-term obsessive thoughts is about the cat’s safety - i get very obsessive about the idea that she might somehow get trapped outside, which even when we had a garden wall to separate her from the road was a problem, so now w/o the wall it’s 10x worse lol. no idea when it’ll be fixed and she’ll be able to go outside again - the builder has to do another project first so we’re in limbo until then. i get very fixated on the idea that ben or ana will accidentally let her out and not notice and she’ll be cold / attacked by another cat / attacked by a fox :((( which is another facet of my obsessions tbh like this lack of ability to trust anyone apart from myself, like i have this really overinflated idea of my own responsibility / ability to keep the house safe (hence going around at night and unplugging everything, checking the front door, staring at my hair straighteners for about 10m, the usual) and like i wish i could just fucking stop bc i know ana and ben also love the cat and also like have brains?? and like keeping a cat inside is not rocket science! (+ hopefully even if she did get outside it would not end up in her death lol)

3. ben (kindly) told me that he finds it disheartening that it becomes an Issue every time we have to go and see his family, and that whilst he understands it’s not personal, it still feels bad. which is fair... i apologised about it bc i mean he is right + also he comes and sees my family w/ literally no complaint at all so yeah :/ having said this im a bit fuckin nervous about it now for imo legitimate reasons (i have accepted we’re going + that my problems dont constitute a reason to complain about seeing his family and am planning on being much less whiny about this in future) about this new fucking variant and like 10 mask-free people in one room hanging out, at least half of whom are in public-facing jobs. this is the first time since-covid so many of us would have been in a room - we’ve seen barely anyone since it all kicked off. the timing is bad. i know ben agrees w/ me about the concern bc he’s not an idiot, and he asked them on the GC last night if they can all test beforehand, but only one person responded so far and im a bit like :/ i feel uncomfortable about it bc i feel that after my complaints it definitely seems as tho im just trying to find reasons to not go. if they all test up beforehand im happy to go, but im a bit worried that a lot of them have not confirmed that they will, and idk, ill ask him what he thinks about that. bc his brother works in a shop, his mum works as a teacher, this new variant is supposed to be better at getting past vaccines? so im a bit like oooof this ... not great ... i feel like it’s reasonable to only go to a medium scale get-together if everyone tests neg beforehand? what do you guys think? but i dunno i guess at some point you also have to just do stuff... like you can’t entirely live under the shadow of stuff that might happen, including covid, and this is coming from someone who’s been INCREDIBLY careful the entire time

4. i have struggled w/ getting back to my wig work - im gonna start working properly again today bc im actually so behind. my site job also MAY be coming to an end in april - we will all have to reapply for the payment, and i don’t know, they may well feel it’s fairer to give someone a shot who hasn’t been paid for an entire year by that point. which i DO think is fair, and i would understand it, but i would have to take a MASSIVE step back from the site, and it feels kinda grim if they essentially fire their One Woman, given that ive done everything asked of me and am always well-ranked in the monthly numbers. i will probably make this clear in the reapplication - that i will not be around if there is no money. not bc i don’t care but bc i do not have the time. couple of things are working in my favour tho in that ive already proven myself to be a good member of the team + also that im one of the most highly-ranked people there in terms of permissions, so i can do everything rather than some more lowly-ranked people who can only do a few things. also you know. i feel like they would be aware of how bad it would look to let their one woman go honestly? bc they handwring a lot about the woman situation, so im curious how this will play out, bc to me it seems blindingly obvious that a lack of access to resources is one of the main reasons why more women dont hang out there. so im curious if they are gonna actually apply that logic and keep paying me.

[macklives]

hi. so..... its been a while huh? feels kinda weird making a message on here, after what??? a month of not posting at fucking all??

and idk how to say that im sorry for taking so long, especially with kallie kinda sticking with me pretty much the whole time i was away. so we both kinda went AFK on everybody. and by god, this has also been the longest gap between updates. so yeah... i feel you all are owed an explanation. 

id like to give a short summary of what went down in my life recently. not so much as an excuse for my disappearance, but bearing in mind, i can't just come back suddenly without a notice as to why it took so long, and then start discussing homestuck theories as if nothing happened, that would be ...weird and off putting. im known as one to talk a lot in a post, so i think its expected. buckle up kiddos, this may be a long one, which you dont have to necessarily read, but im simply putting it out there for you all in case any of you may have been worried or confused. 

ALSO, keep in mind im alright with sharing this information because i needed some time to get over it in order to accept it, and being able to say this stuff means im pretty much ready to move on and go back to what it was like before (which for someone who has trouble focussing, can get quite fucking hard). so here's the last few months in a nutshell:

i got my wisdom teeth pulled so i was both in pain and numb for a week and a half after being drugged up with, idk, the IV they use to knock you tf out and that needle to numb your teeth?? and having those bad boys outta my mouth so that was a fun time. fuck that shit.

uhhh on the more upsetting side of things, a friend of mine recently passed away, but i took some time to recover from that. i didnt want to bum everybody out by liveblogging while in that state, nor did i feel like it was right to make jokes at that time (for obvious reasons) so i took some time off. and while i do still care for that person, after a while you have to come to terms that your life can't evolve around grief, and you have to move on eventually. its been a month and im doing way better than i was in the first week. so you dont have to worry really.. i even heard about the messages friends wrote on discord and let me tell you that i appreciate every response, i love all of them, i love all of you guys, but if any of you worry about me as of today, just know im doing perfectly fine and thats behind me now. so yeah, thats the worst of the news..

on less distressing matters, i changed up my job! i used to be a waitress at a restaurant to get that not so mucho money cash flowing, and now i got a full time placement as an intern (sort of full-time. full-time with student conditions). which in hindsight, to some may not sound like its any helpful, but considering im in my final year of college and i have to explore new places to get experience, id rather go where its needed so i reach that specific goal in mind. and you have to start somewhere, so this is where ill start heading. though i do still have to graduate which will take a lot of stress out of me eventually but it hasnt yet caught up lol... yikes to when that fuse blows in the future. 

and finally, the most frustrating part of the month, idk who it was specifically, the company or the landlord, but eh details arent that important, anyways, the landlord and/or its agency messed up with our rental situation and lost a lot of our info so i had to spend a lot of time trying to get that back while also filling out tax returns bc those were finally put out. so yeah, we kinda just have to wait for a notice, though i personally think everything will be fine. we’re considering moving out eventually, but thats probably gonna have to wait a bit longer. while we’re still angry, the landlord respected that it was out of line and apologised while making it up to us, so that was fair enough.

so YEAH, you can pretty much say its been one hell of a fucking month, and i had barely any time to liveblog let alone be in contact with friends that i kinda missed so fucking much????... i basically didnt want to bring anybody down with me (emotionally or mentally), so i decided to at least give you all a warning that i wouldnt be on for a while, hence the last update a few weeks prior, and to take a break for myself to figure out my situation, to rest, and to try and get healthier despite that wisdom fuck week, which nobody warned me wisdom teeth removals were ABSOLUTE HELL

but... im glad to be back, im not sure ill get back into the rhythm of how things used to be, meaning, posting almost every day....that would have to wait a bit unfortunately. however, i think it would be best if i made a sort of schedule for myself. maybe a liveblog twice a week, starting the next. it would help out a lot. i hope to start off with that at least, and not push myself too hard for hours anymore nor the stress of needing to post daily. i loved it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes it took a lot out of me since i know it takes a lot of my time. that being said, i will be on discord, maybe tomorrow? and probably be more active on there from now on, since everything is sorta cleared in my life and there's no more hectic commotion 24/7. the only thing at this rate stopping me from being active is having family over in the next couple weeks. but otherwise, yeah, its good to be back and im again sorry for my absence once more.

yours, 

mackenzie <33

[painfog]

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

[lesbian-ed]

Ive been single til 26 and it was okay but now i have my first relationship with a girl and tbh im terrified. Homophobia is really strong here and i guess we will never have a chance to move to any country where same sex marriage is legal and people r more accepting. Im 50% happy to be w her and 50% desperate bc being lesbian is much more scarier and tougher than i thought. What can i do to feel better about that? My gf is pretty optimistic about our future but im not and idk what to do.

Being pragmatic and realistic is not necessarily a bad thing, however… You are not tied to your country. If you believe moving out would be best for you, start living your life and making plans towards that. Find a job in an multinational company, study a course that will offer you international exchange opportunities, start saving up, look into what countries you need visas for, all that stuff. 

I grew up in a homophobic community, in religious schools, in a 3rd world country. Technically moving away is pretty hard but… It’s what I always wanted. So ever since high school I’ve been preparing and getting ready for that. 

I know you’re older, and things may feels a bit out of hand but…  You’re a grown up. You deserve to live a fulfilling life, and yeah, being a lesbian is who you are. You can’t change your sexuality, that is actually impossible, but moving countries, finding more supportive communities and spaces… Those things might be hard, but they are not impossible. 

I’ll also be quite harsh and say that yes, while I know that being a lesbian can be terrifying and sometimes quite paralyzing… No other life would be right for you. I know that it’s scary to be gay, I am aware of the looks people give us, of the constant threat being in public can pose to us, as women and especially as lesbians… But even if you were straight, you’d still be a woman, and be in imminent danger because of that. And as you are not straight, trying to be anything but a lesbian would be miserable and damaging to you. 

Sometimes all we do is fear, all we feel in life is the suspense of maybe today is the day something awful happens… But the alternative is not to live at all. And there is no value in that. 

Our experiences on earth are the only experiences we get, this life is your only life, and the one way to give this life meaning is to live it to its fullest.

I know it’s scary, but you are as you are, and if you changed anything it might be less scary, but it would be 10 thousand times as miserable. 

At least you get to have this partner who loves you and respects you, this partner who is your best friend, this woman who cares for you and whom you care for. I know the world isn’t being fair to you, but you got that much. The fear is worth it, because you got her. Even if the worst came to happen because of your reality as a lesbian, you are still getting the best life you can get, with someone you love. I know this isn’t always comforting, but we, unfortunately, have got to learn how to come to terms with the cards you’ve been dealt, to see the value in the life you lead. 

There’s so much more I could and want to say, but I don’t really even know where to start. I speak more about how to deal with this fear and also internalized lesbophobia [here]. At the end of the day, if you truly cannot get away, I think finding a community and a support group would be the best way to cope. 

I wish you all the best, sister. I know it’s hard, but you’re not alone. Things will be okay.

/Mod A

[hazeldough]

i like venting and ranting here bc i feel less bad since i can put it under a cut and we all can move along and act like i’m okay

yeah ive accepted that i like being niche too much to ever be a successful artist

i have absolutely no ill will toward artists who can post a sketch or a wip and get more engagement than i ever would in a finished illustration, but i’m also not gonna pretend that it doesnt hurt with the idea that someone else’s sketches have more value towards other people than something i spent hours and weeks over

i know i should make more original content but im a small artist already but WHO PAYS for original content anymore

i’m not ready to publish my own stories for comics

i feel like im mediocre at best because my ass has been drawing for over a decade and i still have trouble with anatomy

i have trouble getting commissions

i know im better off than i was last year in terms of financial gains and engagement but i’m fucking TIRED and i want to quit but the only reason that i’m not gonna do it is because i have way too much fun doing whatever i want

but i’m also over it

i just wanna find a job that’s SOMEWHAT art related and treats me well but i can still do fuck all with my own stuff because if i’m not gonna get major bank anyway i might as well do whatever i want

[jewpacabruhs]

1, 2, 3, and 20 for the fic thing :0

thank u!!! all the fun ones omg 

1. (describe urself how you’d describe a character you’re introducing) oh this some 10 yr old self insert cringey wattpad fic but yanno what? ima make it look sexy … ok im a musician & one day i want fanfic about my band & this is how i hope they write me & How I Hope to Be …. im so fucking edgy but yolo kgkjdhdgjkjfh lowkey this was fun. an opportunity to romanticize the bad bitch i hope my future self is??? fuck yeah

Farther back, to the left of the singer, was a guitar-wielding human of ambiguous gender and style - punk or goth? Neither. Or perhaps a little bit of both.Their instrument only had four strings - a bass, then; one that was black and sleek as night, but marred with finger smudges. Well-played and well-loved, surely. They seemed to prefer playing with their fingers rather than a pick, which was an interesting choice considering the fast-paced music this band was performing, but they kept up well, hitting all the notes, or at least doing a damn good job faking like they were.They plucked at the thick strings with long slender fingers, pale and made paler when paired with the black painted nails and leather fingerless gloves they had on. Black was a common motif in their look; from the fishnets peaking through their black shredded skinny jeans, to the dark and baggy t-shirt they wore. They didn’t seem to be a big fan of makeup, though, unlike most others who’d be characterized as goth. When they lifted their head, flicking their bangs from their face, hair an uncharacteristic and perhaps natural blondish-brown, it became apparent that they opted for a less striking look, at least in the face department. Aside from eyeliner coated thickly around their blue eyes, their features was clear of the stuff. Thankfully for them and their apparent penchant towards looking deathly, they seemed to be naturally pale, their skin an almost sickly shade - not quite vampiric, but damn close. They had a splatter of freckles across their cheeks, which stood out rather starkly. Freckles and blonde hair aside, they looked like they’d been born to be some type of goth, maybe even cursed with it, with pale skin and the expressionless empty eyes all goths aimed to have - but they sure seemed to have made the most of it. Despite this, there was a liveliness in this particular person. Eyes that would normally regard the world with boredom and resentfulness were now bright with passion and excitement; clearly, up on this stage, they were in their element. Mouthing the words of the songs, fingers dancing over the strings; even their body moved to the music, confident in a way they probably weren’t normally. Their eyes followed individuals in the crowd, flashing a grin at one, and a wink at another. The bass carried loudly throughout the venue, buzzing through one’s feet, right through their bones, into their chests. 

O FUCK I GOT CARRIED AWAY FGFDHGFJFDHKJ I JUS WANNA BE HOT & GOTHHHHHH im so edgy gfdjhgf 

for real tho im a fuckin greasy depressed stoner bum irl but ive played gigs & when im on stage i feel like a different person so thats the person i described here … with hope ill get there :D

for the record i use she/her pronouns but i am agender/gnc & look pretty ambiguous so it’s my hope that unless i got my tiddies out, ppl r jus gonna be confused as shit lmfao… tbfh they already are cuz my wardrobe rn consists of baggy thrift shop shit hmm

2. already answered uwu

3. (favorite kind of fic to write) i have a lot of fun w crime aus, but theyre hard to develop. idk tbh, i thought i found my niche but i lost it again :C

20. (four sentences im proud of) oh boi that’s hard, i have like 60 fics.. ok i went thru all my sp ones cuz thats relevant here & picked a sentence from each that i dig … excluding obooitd bc, 1) it’s huge, 2) i’ve talked abt it enough

“They run as fast as they can, but it’s no use; the front door’s flying open, and Cartman’s standing in the doorway, in a t-shirt and boxers, wielding the top half of a coat rack.” | from Hoodie - is this not an iconic mental image jgjdfkghfd

“‘And - and I wanna see you be happy. But if your - if your happiness doesn’t require a wedding dress, or, hell, if it doesn’t require me, I get that.’“ | from I Feel Like Glitter - i literally love token x nichole so much… this is from token’s little speech at the end, which is the softest thing i’ve ever written, and im rlly proud of this cuz it’s so darn cute & sappy

“’You absolute slut!’ Cartman says fondly.” | spiritual revolt - i just like the juxtaposition of that. all my writing is comedy-inclined huh. i luv domestic kyman w cartman bein an adorable shithead

“’Blowjob droughts were, like, the fourth plague of Egypt.’” | from Polaroids and Cigarettes - can you believe i invented comedy dhgjkfdh

[j-whirl44]

This Will End.

OhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH buddy look at me i’m writing again (kinda)

Red Dead 2 has consumed my every thought for the last two weeks basically and I have a lot of feelings.

I love the relationship between Mary and Arthur and I feel like it doesn’t get enough love. So i’m giving a little bit.

I just finished Chapter IV like 5 hours ago so that’s where this is set bc i have no clue where this game is going at the current moment lmaoooo.

This is in Mary’s POV which wasn’t planned tbh but I liked doing it. (might write something in Arthur’s POV when I play a lil more of Chapter V and see if we uh, get out of that whole predicament)

Pls enjoy pls tell me what you think i’m very nervous i haven’t written any fiction in over a year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read it on AO3 too ! [x]

Made them a playlist too [x]

“So are you going to tell about the little adventure you had with Arthur getting daddy back here?” Jamie asks his sister with a hint of teasing in his tone. Mary slaps his arm.

“I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but there’s nothing to tell. We found daddy trying to sell mama’s brooch and then that was that,” she said.

“That old bastard came back hours before you did,” Jamie countered, “rambling how you’ve ‘climbed back into bed with that mangy outlaw,” he finished. Mary blushed slightly at her father’s accusation.

She quickly composed herself, “Don’t talk about daddy like that,” she deflected. The two continued to walk in silence. Mary sighed. “We may have...gone to see the traveling performances that was playing in the theater. I-I felt like I owed him something after making him deal with daddy.”

The smile on Jamie’s face filled Mary with instant regret. “Oh Jamie don’t make a big deal of this. It didn’t mean anything. We-we didn’t do nothing but watch the show and walk to the trolley afterwards,” she said. Jamie nodded.

“Oh I knew you were still sweet on him! And he is so clearly still sweet on you,” Jamie exclaimed, getting looks from passerbyers.

Mary hushed him. “I am not. We are friends. It’s...It’s all we can afford to be,” she said. Jamie looked at her with sympathy.

“Oh my sweet sister. I have never seen you care so much about a person. Not even your own husband!” Mary always felt a little guilty about that. It not like her late husband was a bad man, he just wasn’t Arthur.

Arthur. The rough and tough 20 something year old boy who took Mary by the hand and made her feel like the most important lady in all of New Hanover.

Arthur. The rough and tough 20 something year old idiot who had a fierce loyalty to Dutch and Hosea and got so swept up in their fantasies of riches and lawless life. “They raised me,” he always said, whenever Mary raised a complaint on how they ‘do their business’ especially Dutch. She regrets a lot of her life as a young women but she never regretted her time with Arthur.

“I,” she hesitated as her brother looked to her, “I asked him to run away with me. I asked his to run and never look back.”

Jamie looked at her with disbelief. “You? You asked him?”

Mary nodded. “I can’t take this life anymore Jamie,” she said. “I want to be with him I just don’t know how.”

“What did he say?” Jamie asked. 

Mary scoffed, “That damn fool! He told me he needed to help some people first. That we’d need money. That he so close to bringing everything to an end.”

“Same old Arthur,” Jamie mused. Mary nods. “He always had that loyalty to Dutch, ugh, that wretched man!” she never trusted Dutch. The few times they met never left the best impression on her. He always seemed slimy and insincere; never truly letting Arthur be anything more than the muscle of the gang.

Mary was about to respond when the boom of a paper boy screaming the headline: “Read all about it! Van der Lined gang leads shootout in Saint Denis!” The callout stops Mary in her tracks. She rushes over to the paper boy and gives him a dollar. Jamie close behind. “Keep the change,” she said. She barely catches the thank you from the boy as she scans the big bolded headline on the front page.

“NOTORIOUS GANG BEHIND BIGGEST SHOOTOUT IN SAINT DENIS HISTORY; MANY DEAD"

Dead. The word rings through Mary’s mind. Surely he can’t be dead. He knew how to handle himself. She grips the sides of the paper tight as she tries to read through the rest of the article.

“Mary. Mary come sit you’re pale,” Jamie said, “What’s wrong?” They walk to the nearest bench together as Mary’s mind races.

“That gang. That’s the gang he runs with. Arthur. He-he-”

Realization hit Jamie as he tried to calm her down, “We don’t know nothing yet. He’s the toughest man I know. He made it out alive, sister.” Her eyes began to well.

She felt both terrified and angry; an exhausting combination. She scanned the article for any sign of his name when another bit tugged her heart.

‘Van der Lined’s second-in-command, Hosea Matthews, was reported to have been one of the many casualties in the rampant shootout.’

Mary brought a hand to her lips, “Oh. Oh Hosea was a good man. As good as any many can be in a life like that.”

Mary recalled the first time she met Hosea at a saloon in some small new settlement. He took to her the said and commended her on the ‘job’ she’d done on Arthur. “That boy rarely smiled before he started spending time with you. He’s quite smitten, though lord only knows the boy will never admit it. I’m glad he has you,” he said,” “Besides. It gets him to stop following me like a lost puppy with no sense of direction, so thanks for that! Ha!”

She couldn’t hold in her tears any longer as she thought about how she’d never get to see Arthur again. She’d never get to feel his hands on her again. Feel his pained stare ever again. His smile; his laugh; his lips; his anything. She should’ve put her foot down more, she shouldn’t have been so coy with him and let him know how much she loved him. Then maybe, she thought, just maybe he would’ve accepted her request of running of together and leaving her cursed daddy and his vile gang behind. It really is just a pretty dream now though.

A very pretty one; as he put it.

After awhile the siblings slowly walked back to their hotel room. Mary excused herself to the balcony where she watched the sunset with a pen and paper.

My Dear Arthur,

I heard the news. My heart is so heavy. I do not wish to know why you thought you needed to do something like this. When you said you were getting money, I thought it was a much more simpler and less stupid job than this. You continue to surprise me in such heartbreaking ways.

I’m sorry to hear about Hosea. I know you thought of him as a father; and you a son to him. I always wished you cared me the way cared for your gang. Why didn’t you? Oh I must admit I’m writing this in both hope and fear that you’ll never read it. I know not if you’re alive or dead. A part of me hopes I never get the answer.

Oh my darling. Why couldn’t you just have run away with me that day. Where would we be now? Somewhere off in Chicago? Or perhaps we went even more south to Mexico. I wouldn’t have cared as long as I was in your company. I pray we see each other again. I truly do. Until then I will curse you every night for not being here.

Always, Mary

She folded the letter and contemplated what to do with it until she finally looked at the lit candle on the table and held the paper over the flame.