#but its happening now so wtf was the point of all that
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#rant#honestly it feels so frustrating and disappointing to see this but i knowwwwww theres nothing i could have really done#i talk a lotta shit like fuck this county fuck eveyone but i like america despite it's flaws and i want to see the best in people#but ough they make it so hard#like the majority of the country........#makes me tired#im in ny so whatever but it feels so disgearening and i feel so powerless#I KNOW ITLL BE FINE AND LIFE MOVES ON#but for right now i feel awful#i also feel kinda embarrassed that i was so positive before#but i stand by it bc i have to bc the thought of other option felt unbearable#but its happening now so wtf was the point of all that#at one point it really felt like they were gonna do it and change and win#its so easy to point fingers and blame everything but honestly i feel like its too late for that#bleh#im just a little wary of the presidency bc we were still feeling the repercussions of his last one#ALSO?? HES A FELON????? LIKE LITERALLY CONVICTED??#there was so much wrong with it that im honestly appalled that this was even possible#I'll survive#subway rat post#more like subway rant post LOL
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Fuchgenta??
#the tiny house i based my own blue print off of is for sale at 110000 across the country#if my ass weren't broke id hop on that and drive all the way over to get it#but also 110k for a tiny house on wheels is pretty outrageous especially when these things were originally marked at a cap of 65k#once upon a year now no one can afford them#i do want a home someday and I'm also finding I'm nomadic by nature#dream would be have a “home base” with land thats permanent#but as soon as winter comes i can pack up and move south or wherever is warmer for several months before returning#that would be great for minimizing fibro flares getting away from the cold#heck if remote work ends up getting me good money after i pay off a huge chunk of medical debt i wouldn't mind#being a digital nomad for a few months out of the year#go see people i like across the pond see pompeii see rome see ireland see spain see australia see japan#so many....#theres people that want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet before they die#then theres me that wants to see all the cool ancient human things before it disappears or before i leave earth and go home#one of the few big fears i have is it wont happen in this life#but hey i didnt think i was gonna make it past 23 let alone make it to 32#i didnt think i was ever gonna get out of my abusive household and out of my old shitty life#but im here so who knows what could happen right?#not magenta or fuchsia but some other pink variation#i just need to roll out a pink color palette and start assigning emotions to them at this point 😂#magenta is my vent word#fuchsia is my vent word for good things#idk wtf this is its a combo
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ok so anyway. if anyone is curious abiut dreamy and their role in miles world. they r besties with him But also like a secret babysitter. because as hard as he tries He s kinda a shit hero And tbh every spiderman except like hobie (also dreamys bestie. btw) is naive as hell when it comes to heroism. theyre like crime bad always No exceptions. so dreamy works sorta from the shadows to Erm clean up after miles a bit. like. erm. bust certain so called villains out of jail bc like -_- a dude stealing baby formula from a store does Not deserve 2 go 2 prison Hello. and sometimes they team up w miles and they play incompetent and clumsy like Oh Nooo iaccidentally let the bad guy get away 😣😖 like they r literally playing secret hero babysitter for his ass. instead of those “from your friendly neighborhood spiderman” notes theyd be like. “sorry lol //local villain sympathizer”. n e ways Thats their deal. in miles universe Smiles ^_^
#also. anomaly. but that was obvious#cherry chats#i looooove dreamy They r shooting up on my list of favorite inserts pretty quick u know#theyre a freak and a weirdo They look unsettling and disturbing They kinda suck hot shit but thats ok#theyre like miles secret cleaning crew. he SAVES people but he doesnt HELP them#so thats where they come in#also. joined the spider society 2 get access 2 their tech to try and find their original universe but got locked up 4 being anomalous#so they just bolted. theyre makingtheir own portal but its going slow because they have to keep an eye on miles and all#im thinking. maybe. they actually might team up with spot. because he has direct portal access (duh)#they might POTENTIALLY work with him to try and create their own map of the multiverse#by going to as many dimensions as possible at random and logging them and trying to establish how they relate to each other#so that they can find out where they came from. even though they arent really sure of that Because dumbshit dissociative amnesia or whatever#so they meet w spot at some point and r like. Give me your holes NOW so i can find out wtf happened to me#and then……. grins mischievously Well i neednt say what comes of that……. 😈#sooo aweosme i heart selfshipping#dreamy 🌃
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if ppl telling you "jewish ppl in israel were already kicked out of other countries and have no where else to go" makes you feel compelled to call whoever said that a "zionist", I really just dont think you give af about jewish ppl's lives quite frankly.
if your "free palestine" means "getting rid" of all jewish civilians in israel I think you're probably just a heartless asshole.
#two state solution ftw#or at least something along those lines#yelling at average jewish ppl who ARENT in israel is antisemitic#anti semitism- no matter how 'big of a deal' you think it is naturally makes jewish ppl feel unsafe by default#where do they go when theres nowhere else thats safe? you guessed it- probably to israel.#which is WHAT netanyahu wants. he wants scared controllable civilians to think hes the only one who can protect them#so you being anti semitic and not checking yourself on it or being 'whatever its nbd' about it is making everything so much worse#STOP BEING SO FUCKING APATHETIC FUCK ILL BEAT YOU UP TO MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING IF I HAVE TO#i dont feel like i can in good conscious reblog your 'free palestine' posts bc idk wtf the op thinks about jewish ppl being in#israel. and at this point i dont have faith in leftists to not notice the antisemitism in some of these ppl and call it out#its not something we can 'push aside and deal with and apologize for later' its ACTIVELY MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE AND NEEDS#TO BE ADDRESSED RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#maybe jewish ppl wouldnt be calling it 'self defense' if yall didnt keep being antisemitic and making them feel like they have to cling#to israel to stay tf alive. fuck.#OBVIOUSLY the response to what hamas did is disproportionate and affecting more people than israel says it intends to target#but thats the govt. and actual regular people are worried about their families. its disproportionate and probably being used as an excuse#to genocide palestinians but this wouldnt be happening if hamas didnt basically GIVE the israeli govt the excuse to do it.#free palestine. from hamas and from the israeli govt. and dont have genocidal intent toward jewish ppl.#thats all i want.#hamas' escalation did nothing but hurt everyone and make things worse especially for palestinians.
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In case it's hard to read/understand: "If I had a nickel for every time I had a story with a blonde girl named after a plant, who has a German father and a French mother but absolutely hates said mom, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice."
weird, extremely-specific tropes in my stories: pt 1
#oc liveblogging#ughhhhhhh i really CANNOT afford to be procrastinating rn but i know this happens when im extremelyyyyyy fucking stressed.#creative/art related classes always get me for this reason bc ill use 'wait but i need to find inspiration!' as an excuse to procrastinate.#fuckkkkkkkkkk. UGH IM NOT EVEN WRITING SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH ITS JUST A FINAL REVISION BUT IM CONVINCED IT SUCKS#the worst part is hkjhkjGHKJ I HAVE TO PRESENT SOME OF THIS SHIT AT AN. INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CONFERENCE GUYS. GUYSYSSSS#anyways this post is sadly not related to that. nothing im presenting is related to my ocs [un]fortunately lmao#ive just been thinking rotating various oc stories around in my head again ourgghhhh.#and i realized this LMAO. i mean maybe technically not 2 separate stories anymore because im recycling a lot from one for the other?#one of these was already established lowkey and the other was something i made for an assignment for a class like 2 years ago#i actually don't know if petunie will be blonde in her final incarnation?? ive always imagined her as silvery blonde ig but idk#if ill keep that. she doesnt have proper colors like colin but at least colin has his design set more straight somewhat.#and all the recent petunie development is lowkey really fucking funny to think abt. i girlbossed with her character development so#hard that she really replaced lucian as a protagonist HAHAJSDHKGJ. ok well not 100% kamille's story is a shoot-off#of lucian's technically? i guess? it started becoming that and now its solidified as that lowkey bc same town same place time period people#but man if im not careful i might accidentally make kamille/petunie's arc THE default one and lucian's main one the offshoot instead#a lot remains to be seen. but also yeah the other one who's story is mostly getting recycled (myrtille) actually ALSO HAD HER MOM#COME FROM THIS SAME FUCKING PLACE BASICALLY. a few decades later but still bruh given developments for lucian's story too its just like#at this point im noticing a pattern man wtf is wrong w/ women who come from this town specifically lol. 😔🥴#this town in general is just fucking cursed though i think ahkjshkg. i mean that jokingly and literally lolololl i gotta. work on it. but y#I HATE IT HERE WHY ARE WEIRD LITTLE FUCKING TOWNS WHERE BAD SHIT HAPPENS ALWAYS A CONSISTENT TROPE IN MY STORIES /silly#I DONT EVEN COME FROM A WEIRD LITTLE TOWN MY HOMETOWN IS LIKE. AVERAGE NORMALISH NOT SUPER LARGE??? IDFK?????#haaaaaaa fuck i need to finish this by the end of TODAY I S2G!!! SO I CAN MOVE ON TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT I OWE FUCKKKK
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i need more irl friends
#literally all ive been doing lately is try to hang out with my two irls and it just keeps. Not Happening for multiple reasons#and most of my best friends live in other parts of the country#so i mean it kinda is on me for not making more irl friends but also. if im asking you to hang out and you blow me off#(especially bc now theye both got fuckass boyfriends*)#((*situationships but lets call them boyfriends for the bit))#then wtf am i supposed to do like#like yeah i can keep asking but at some point i just feel like im being annoying#especially when they do hang out with other people in the meantime#its not like im The Best Company you could possibly get its not abt that but#AUGH.#captain's log
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#there is a wide margin of interpretation you can take with Armand and I'd like ppl to understand that.#We just quite actually do not have all accurate or full information on him but what we have is enough to prove#he is capable and culpable of all the things he is shown and proven to have done#I think a lot of the writing this season also was intentionally meant to confuse and make you doubt what is happening there. like actually#where do the lies start?#Now are all of them equally valid? Absolutely not. But I'm not like going to judge heavily people who have a different one.#A lot of bad ones (poorly backed) I get where that conclusion gets drawn from and for me it's just kind of fun to theorize those things#People claiming it as the right interpretation are a little like... okay chill out. But I think there can be room for that.#That is unless your ideas somehow vindicate or paint him as somehow also a victim of Louis like wtf are you doing at that point don't defen#him the dude is a massive piece of shit let him be a piece of shit.#It also doesn't make much sense to make him some great mastermind or somehow winning over something he's clearly shown not wanting?#its easier for me to see him as someone who doesn't have very fixed intentions or judgements on anything#his moral compass is self serving even when those morals are aligned to good things or a desire to be good#like he can see something as bad even undesirable and still do it if it serves some larger or more stable benefit to him#with little regard for who gets hurt in the process and with low empathy to see they could be hurt by it#And thats the most consistent thing about him is he falls to whatever is most beneficial w/o regard to others even when regarding them#& those good things r performative even if he's not intending it to be when it aids in exploiting other peoples view of him to an advantage#Or like when he goes about hiding under that persona to meet bad ends intentionally. (These go back and forth)#and something something the purpose of a system is what is does#there's little point in getting into the intentions of Armand when he consistently fails to do what he's claiming be#Idk tho honestly might not post iwtv stuff for a while I'm tired#There's a an amount of interpretation you can take about any other character too just there is so much more speculation there than elsewher
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Where else am I gonna rant if not to a group of random strangers that barely know me, right? So ofc I'm gonna rant here cuz these people have no idea who tf I am.
....turns out I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now so I offer this emoji instead: 😔
#so i went to this 18th birthday aka debut of my friend and tbh its the first debut ive ever been to and i was rly looking forward to it#plan was to enjoy with my friends and all and i was also planning to get some ideas for my own debut whoch is two weeks after hers#tbh my debut is the bday that ive been looking forward to for basically my whole life cuz the other important ages i did absolutely nothing#for my first bday i was literally in the hospital so nothing there. in my seventh bday i cant even remember what happened. we went swimming?#so the 18th is what i always dreamt of. ive already told my moms this a couple hundred times and ive already thought out how i want it to go#then at the party i observed everything and i realized a lot of things. firstly that shit is expensive. while we used to have the money#no we dont and thats all just in the past now. second thing which i find the most disturbing is the amount of people#the debutante invites the special people in their life and while yes i do have those i dont think they can even reach the proper number#and also i rly cant see myself in that position yknow? being the center of atteaction with people telling you nice stuff abt how they like u#so thats made me quite sad that the bday ive always wanted is never gonna be mine. my biggest TOTGA...#at this point i just wanna spend my whole 18th wallowing in self pity and sadness. while i know my friends love me i dont rly think they#love me to the point of throwing me a lil party of our own like we did earlier this year to ine of our friends. im the spare friend i guess#and plus when i got home my paretns arent even talking to me or looking my way if not scolding me or getting mad at me#well IM SORRY i also didnt want to get stuck in the fckin road for A WHOLE HOUR while waiting for a ride home#and IM SORRY that im just wearing jeans to a debut. this is my frist fucking time going to a debut so how tf would i know???#plus a lot of people were just wearing casual so wtf 😒#all in all im sad and i want to go die
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BTW Love the growth from OTB, where it's about reassurance and realization, to BTM, where it's about acceptance and growth. God, Louis' queer-coded lyricism should be talked a lot more also
I sat on this for a minute cause I didn't think I was going to answer it, cause if I did it might just be to say, I don't necessarily think it's that simple, and what does being a grinch add to anything! But I realized I do actually have something to say, although it isn't what you were looking for anon, so, sorry about that. See, what I have been thinking is amazing about Louis' lyricism (and has shown big growth between Walls and FITF) and needs to be discussed more is its versatility, its prismatic blank slate qualities even while being so specific. What I mean is: his signature style is to write lyrics that are straightforward and easily understood as telling a clear story (certain trippy dance numbers excepted obv ;). But what's remarkable is that despite their seeming simplicity and easiness to read, a LOT of his songs can be perceived in a practically infinite number of ways, with every different interpreter absolutely confident in the rightness of their read. So yes, I personally happen to believe Bigger Than Me (and some other songs such as All This Time) are in part about Louis' queer experience. But every lyric that I think that about can also very easily mean something else- they can pass as generic radio songs about nothing, or as songs about experiences non queer listeners have had about any number of things, or as being about his career generally, or in most cases as boilerplate love songs. In the lead up to this album Louis talked about how he wanted people to come up with their own interpretations of the songs a lot, which I laughed at because he then kept saying what they meant to him anyway, but I think I get now why he said that so much just now in particular- I think the way it's possible to make almost any meaning from them is something he did knowingly and with great skill (and put hard work into), and deserves to be recognized. Like maybe one thing he was writing about was the queer interpretation, but then he also made them be about the fans generally and his life and love and 5 other things, while shaping them to be malleable and universal enough that all that fits into these extremely simple lines. And I think that people insisting they know what his songs are about and that it can only be one thing actually erases that work and skill that he, I believe, is rightfully proud of, and that deserves appreciation. Also it doesn't fit anywhere but I would like to add two other thoughts: one, sometimes part of a song can be about one thing or be literal but other parts can be made up or from something else sometimes for as little reason as to make it rhyme, and two this is a whole essay probably but I'm thinking a lot lately about how Louis talks about being honest in his writing and how people think that means the same thing as being literal (writing about his exact life) and actually something can be HONEST, like can talk about feelings and thoughts that really happened while depicting made up events (see: fiction/ literature generally), without being LITERALLY TRUE (this is a thing that is exactly how it happened in my life) so just throwing that in here also.
#there are a lot of reasons I find it hard to believe Land H are still together#but ISTG there just keep being more in the 'by god they really are??wtf' column against all odds!#so I simply have to shrug and be like damn. those crazy mfers. they really are huh#and one of them for me is them having these conversations (with a friend!) that they both talk about#and say the same things#and then go and do the exact same fucking things#and one of those things that they haven't explicitly said#but both started doing at the same fucking time#is being like oh you know what I'm going to do now#I'm going to write about stuff that isn't relationships#just...other stuff. where I'm from and how things change and how change is hard#friends' heartbreak. yknow just stuff. that happens to be the same as someone elses stuff#anyway I have all these thoughts about them writing less about their relationship/s and how much it feels to me like a thing telling me#that they are still together. but that's a whole other post probably#also#there's no point in making a fuss about it so I just left it out like whatever who cares#but Only The Brave is not inherently queer like... it just isn't#it can be read that way!! (as can literally everything apparently I saw someone saying OOMS was obviously queer the other day for example)#but its not obvious or inherent or inarguable#louis songwriting#blah blah blah#honest but not literal#thinking about how one of the most impressive things louis does is get a lot into a tiny number of words#and how bad I am at that 😂#genuinely its so much easier to use 1000 words to get a point across then to distill it so its one sentence
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I think what makes Dungeon Meshi a really Really good story is the fact that no amount of spoilers could ever give you a full picture cuz honestly, I still have no idea what's happening in it.
#aria rants#i do plan on reading the manga once im in the mood for it (wanna check out the manga first before anime) but for now#itll just be in my to-read list until i can get to it. i dont rlly mind spoilers for it but ngl ive seen so many spoilers but i still have#no clue with whats going on with the story. like for the longest time i thought the chimera and the girl in love with her are two#different characters from marcille and falin and then i later found out theyre the same ones like wtf happened there#every spoiler i see the more confused i get and honestly? best part. cuz it goes to show that the story are tiny pieces#of a bigger picture that unless you can piece it together. you wont understand anything at all which is a good thing cuz the story#doesnt rely on like ''plot twists'' or ''interesting'' points that loses its charm when spoiled. and thats something pretty cool!
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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i#shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and#i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but#like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i#should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i#do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18#days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno#how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do#something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do#i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its#like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be#miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can#tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st#roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can#never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated#unrelated
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Why is Obito's height and weight listed as 182cm/70.3kg while Tobi is 175cm/55.9kg. THATS THE SAME FUCKING DUDE HOW DID OBITO SHRINK HIMSELF?????
#also idk how different those weights are in pounds but regardless he put on a noticeable amount of weight after the reveal#which like. HOW???? cuz im sure its not counting clothes. SO WTF HAPPENED?????#wait. hold on. theory after its been like. 10 years or whatever.#can we prove that the tobi acting like a moron was not actually guruguru??? and any time the sharingan was used. that was obito in#the tobi disguise???? now theres a lot im forgetting from the final arc. so correct me if thats impossible or already disproven.#but how else could obito do that???? UNLESS IT WASNT ACTUALLY HIM??? cuz the tobi persona is literally based on guruguru anyway#and once again i have to ask. fucking why??? whats the point???? why did he act like a schoolgirl in love with his senpai????#eternal question. i will die still asking why he fucking DID THAT#dont get me wrong. tobi has always been one of my ultimate faves even before the madara/obito reveal. BUT WHAT WAS THE POINT????#all the more reason for it to have been guruguru if possible#which is a bit of a sad thought actually. cuz even now i still wish tobi was just some fuckin weirdo with a big secret for how he managed#to join the akatsuki that wasnt 'im secretly the leader claiming to be madara uchiha'#anyway. smaller obito theory i guess like that smaller luke skywalker theory#personal
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Magenta 🤬
#my state is complaining about not having enough customers for psilocybin treatments#well as someone that heavily advocated for it to be legalized because of research and science lemme tell you why:#you gatekept your whole client base via outpricing them because you don't want to serve people with medium to low incomes#you only want rich people as your clients when the majority of people who could legitimately benefit from this treatment#are one paycheck away from homelessness or have to choose between an 800-1200 dose or buying groceries for the next month for their families#now look I get it you gotta get your cake and eat it too#but that's no excuse for isolating a large client base just because you're offended that poor people with mental health issues exist#if you want to keep this shit rolling and not have the state overturn anything#make it more accessible to people that truly need it and I'm telling you word of mouth travels fast#you'll get more clients more advocacy and more investment into research#by giving people an opportunity#and making them feel included in the process#thats what yall did when you started the petitions to get lawmakers to take the benefits seriously#so what changed?#what turned you into greedy cunts?#oh yeah money and again you're offended poor people exist#y'all know too folks will just go to a dealer they know and get it for cheaper right?#i mean whats the point in paying 3 to 5k for a special “retreat” where you pay an additional 1k to 2k for 3 doses#when johnny boy down the street can hook you up with 10 doses for 100 bucks and a bag of chips?#and btw guys wtf happened to all that money that was supposed to go to creating state of the art mental health clinics and facilities#when measure 110 got passed that decriminalized drugs?#no one has an answer???#hmmm#it's no wonder we are near dead last in mental health in this country#its like i said in the meeting: you guys love to profit off the suffering of others#magenta#magenta is my vent word
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keep having this dream where I'm all fuckin. grey and shit. something about teal? and im talkign with my fucking rival on some old chat app but the letters look all weird. I think he's jade colored for some reason too idfk. it's not even a nightmare but this is the 3rd time and I haate it, what the fuck is my brain doing this time?
#wait whaat the fuck whaats going on with my phone. aarc fucking daammit. hold on#aand my fuckign phone is messing up. ignore the extra aa's ive given up on fighting it. I need to get this thing replaaced#its only this button. dunno wtf haas to haave haapened but whaat can you do aat some point...#it's pretty much on life support now#there's aalso this like.. this weird white.. thing? Pokemon? That I caan't recognize. Looks aabsolutely nothing like aanything ive ever see#I dont remember everything really well so I caan't begin to describe it. It's weird as fuck though#aand why is HE of all people always here in that dream. I fucking hate him get him out of my subconscious pleaase aand thaank you.#// being cringe on main (this isnt even my main) and referencing other aus of Paris#// I am so sorry. it will happen again.#pkmn irl#pokemon irl#rotumblr
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#hELP FINDING OUT MY TWT MOOTS OR SINGING MOOTS R FILIPINO IS SO FUN /POS#LIKE. TWINSIES?! AKSKS#THIS ONE FRIEND.. it makes sense u sing so well now /HJ#no but its so cute fr and idk how it happens bc we wont know anything abt e/o on twt#then theyll drop a selfie and we'll point fingers at e/o like the spiderman meme and go YOURE FILIPINO :O!?#or theyll tweet smn in tagalog and ill go wait a second.. WAIT FR ?!#anyw this friend is filo (twinsies) and has the same mic but my mic sounds diff when i use it wtf how do u do that 🤔#44597#wait the funniest thing is somehow. all of the moots ive gotten close to or bonded w somehow without ever dming. are all filo#AKSKSKS its always such a fun coincidence when i findout i love it sm
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#so i just finished s1ep2 of the bear (i don't really get it so far but ok)#and there's this scene where the main character calls up his sister and tells her about the mental shit that has been happening with him uk#and like even though this feeling is always there but lile i can't help but feel like my life would have been so much better with a sibling?#like one id have good relationships with uk???#and ik ik found family and forming meaningful relationships outside is an option but like in this capitalistic individualist society? is it?#anyways that's not the point it's that there's always stuff no body in the world would get except people who grow up with you innit?#be it school or hometowns or families and it would have been nice to have someone help me not feel this complete overwhelmness all the time#and without me feeling like im exaggerating or thinking that the person would judge me or having to keep telling everything repeatedly#but then i think would that even matter when I am the one who's the problem and like can't work to form that connection with anyone?????#like i for the life of me cannot share anything beyond the surface level or without making a joke out of it#and it seems funny but i trivialise so much of the fucking shit that happens so obviously no one takes it seriously not their fault right?#and like how fair to my friends that i literally almost always been superficial and lowkey untrue with them in exchange for their honesty???#at this point i feel like i don't even know what i truly feel or truly am because whenever i look back at my past self im like wtf#idk most of the times it just feels like being 'stuck' in a glass container and me not 'letting' anyone in if that makes sense?#ik im being very annoying about it but im just so tierd of feeling like this its been a decade & its way too long to constantly feeling dead#and im so fucking stubborn in my sadness that i won't even go get help after years of crying about wanting it & now finally having resources#it's like this mental block which i can't seem to remove and i feel like even if i do get help ill still be untrue so what's the point!???#yeahhhhh anyways i'll delete this later i don't journal so tumblr will have to make do#vi.txt
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