#but it's my fault for being ill. of course
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waves!!!! could i please request an agere āsnow dayā (CG) Nikita and (Little) Artyom moodboard??
thank you for your time whether you do this or not and have a great [timezone]!! š«¶
caregiver! nikita + little!artyom snowday stimboard
YESS!!!! i NEED more cg + little requests with any of my boys this makes me SO happy!!!!
also i realized you said MOODboard right after i already put this together so im super sorry about that! my fault for not reading properlyā¦.ill make a moodboard version if i remember!
i didnt get to add them, but snow leopards always make me think of artyom and this board made me remember that (my furry version of him is a snow leopard/lynx hehe)
i think being outside would be good for both of them because nikita needs to see some damn sunlight and artyom needs to touch some damn snow (HEADCANON of mine that he doesnāt particularly like certain outside things)
i have no idea whos idea it would be to go out there first, but i think it would just be them whining back and forth and then somehow ending up outside
i also just want them to shove each other in the snow - particularly wanting artyom to shove nikita in there and for them to play fight and such,,, trust itd be so cute hehehe
he would also let him wear his coat if he gets too cold even with the stuff he has onā¦.he can cope with the cold and sacrifice his jacket smh.
once they get too cold and wet though they would totally go back in and get a warm shower - nikita would make sure he gets all cleaned and warmed up before he takes care of himself.
they would also (of course, like always) get cuddled in bed together after and i think artyom would wear nikitas purgen hoodie (in this particular scenario just pretend he wasnt wearing it outside) because he thinks its super comfy. he always keeps that specific hoodie washed and cleaned because of that.
artyom would also totally be embarrassed to even do this and be this way in private, but he secretly really likes when nikita takes care of him like that. i think hed also he pretty bratty for a little, but like also super clingy.
#tcc fandom#tcc tumblr#tccblr#tcctwt#tccblur#tee cee cee#teeceecee#anoufrievboy stims#nikita and artyom#artyom anoufriev#nikita lytkin#academy maniacs#dismembered pugachova#artkita
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#girl who is overstimulated by people walking up the stairs: 'can't wait to go to this big hall filled with hundreds of people#and music blaring so loud you have to yell in someone's ear to get them to hear you#and i'm ill. three days before freshers and i'm ill. what if i ****** *** *** ******* **** ********#and the outfit i have to wear is sleeveless so i will be even more ill tomorrow#i literally told my mother please don't get me ill so ofc she proceeds to cough on me and grab hold of me like a fucking koala#and i can't even be visibly upset or she's gonna yell even more and i'm gonna get even more overstimulated and she's somehow gonna blame me#i literally told her and she said that it was my fault for walking around london yesterday as if it wasnt 15c outside#and i was wearing a jumper and a coat and didn't stay in the same place for more than five minutes#but it's my fault for being ill. of course#like freshers (and moving out in general) was the only thing i was looking forward to and now thats fucking ruined too#and my parents are visiting me every other weekend probably so i'm not even moving out really#probably more often if my mother gets her way#i should've gone to manch instead at least it would be an inconvenience to visit and i wouldn't have to move back every two months#i just really didn't want to be ill and now i can't even recover because we have a fucking event that i hate#and wasn't even told about until 6pm today#and my head hurts because why wouldnt it#and i'm probably gonna have another meltdown in the bathroom lol
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
#warm up#writeblr#i spent a lot of time picturing our future#how funny to think: in each version of our future#i was never myself#i was someone smarter kinder braver#better adept.#who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me#i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me#people usually talk about how we picture people as being āfixableā. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you.#it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy#the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself:#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.#for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing.#and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made#it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'.#a few days ago while i was doing something else#i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized .#you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly.#you said: you're doing this to manipulate me.#you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO#SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me.#i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness#you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.
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#talkys#delete later#(this is a meme redraw)#ruined my life is a strong word. and of course theres lots of self blame and obvs ive probably wronged lots of people before#and i dont deserve unending torture for it. right. like part of me doesnt even actually feel ill will toward the other party#because whatever! normal human experience!#the other part is like ohhh okay you lied to and kinda used me + treated me badly then lied again to the point where i found out the truth#from another party so you didnt even have to fess up yourself and now you're back to being happy as if nothing happened#i was just a stepping stone i was just a distraction. ok!#like for real actually ok ^_^ it literally happens to ppl all the time...#<- he keeps experiencing waves of horrific sense of self worth that already wasnt Too Great as a result#ugh. and thats nobody's fault but my own right.... but idk. i cant believe it...! i cant believe someone treated me dis way#and i let it happen... and i would have let it keep happening if an end hadnt been put to it by someone else....#but still. at the end of the day i was the only one left with these thoughts. ykwim. other party has forgotten. got happy ending.#doesnt deserve ''consequences'' but still feels horrific to see and think about. you know?#i literally got all the bad. throughout and after.
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#walks out of the swedish class with a thousand yard stare#ill be honest kitten daddys about to kill himself#and it IS this swedish course's fault#its mandatory for all studies... and it makes me wanna die so bad i hateeee it i dont understand anythingggggg#the teacher says all the instructions in swedish and half the time i dont even understand what im missing so i cant ask her to clarify#not that id like to anyway since everybody else seems to be getting by just fine#this is torture id rather pull off my fingernails than go back and its. until christmas. so the sufferings not really even begun yet#and the worst part is ill probably fail anyway so itll all be for nothing#but at the same time ive already suffered for a few weeks so i dont wanna just drop it and do it later yk??#life is agony i take back everything i said about being a career student i HATE academy i HATE learning i HATE studying#my post#nothing makes me despair like swedish class#actual misery like i never feel elsewhere
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Iām fairly new to the fandom, but I do have a question if you can answer it! Why do people ship Daigo with Aoki / Masato? I tried looking to see if theyāve interacted before, but couldnāt find anything! Sorry for asking Iām just </3 dumb AND I LOVE YOUR ART OF THEM!!! Nerd looking ahhhhhh
hi ! welcome to the community i hope you're having a lovely time so far and ty for enjoyin my stuff :) no need for apologies it's a very fair question to have :]
i cant speak for everyone (all. ten people into masadai anyway) but Personally To Me i just think the idea of them together is very funny. thats quite literally it im afraid..
#snap chats#//twenty page google doc in the background// ignore that. it's mostly for comedic purposes#might also be my fault idk sorry about that. allegedly. idk ive had like three people tell me they started to ship them cause of me š§āāļø#@mementoasts is another person who's drawn masadai and whose stuff i love and am inspod by .. i love their disneyland fic sm ...#there was another artist on twitter who posted a neat drawing of them but i cant remember who they were and i didnt bookmark it //screams//#recently there's been ANOTHER masadai artist ive started following on twitter - @wifekiryu. his account's n/s/f/w fyi before you go looking#he has a tumblr too @foxdies. i say cause i realized as much recently vjeaKLGJALKGJ#oh but I GUESS ill get deeper into why. /i/ personally ship masadai or whatever#first off they're opposing factions yet their character alignments Do Not Match their roles. stereotypically anyway#aoki who leads the 'surface' of society and is meant to be an admirable figure and someone 'just' when really. he sucks LMAO#though that's not atypical of politicians but just from a stereotypical This Is A Respectable Individual perspective of his role#daigo on the other hand leads the 'underbelly' of society- yk comprised of dangerous criminals and outcasts and whatnot#yet as we know him daigo's compassionate and considerate of his men- he doesnt treat them like tools like aoki does#if put in a room with the two daigo would be most people's choice of person to hang out with. probably open a trapdoor on aoki tbh#and i think thats really cool and epic i always love that kinda Subverting Expectations thing#theres also the fact they both started off like. edgy/angsty in the franchise and then brush up down the line#masato does a stronger 180. publicly. obviously but its still really funny they both have to get their act together#if you wanna talk about in-text reasons. there really is none LMAO I TELLS YOU masadai is pure crack#but if i wanted to pull a muscle reaching then there's daigo being on aoki's side while everyone else is on arakawa's during the funeral#im lying of course. mitsu was behind him. rgg tryna make me forget mitsu exist .... put him back in y8 ....#and ofc ichi joins that side to even out the seating but moving on another Goofy Reason is arakawa being like#'the chairman and my son are like p much the same age Surely he knows how he thinks :)'#and then i just think daigo being all smarmy about outsmarting aoki is really goofy and im choosing to interpret that as personal#they both also have issues with their dad. s. dad/s/. anyway.#tbh the google doc tag was a joke but i really could sit here and list every dumb reason why i think theyre funny together#like i started going over the tag limit so uhhhh yeah needless to say i have a lot of. dumb reasons šššš#one day ill use the main text for long rambles like this but todays not that day Point Is my imagination is rampant im afraid#so the short and sweet of it is I Think It's Funny. And They'd Be Terrible Together. Which Is Why It's Funny.#and the unfortunate part is anything i find funny i obsess over for a year so. //gestures to the mountain of bullshit thats my masadai tag/
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and i continue being the piece of shit i always am š i am the toxic ex, after all
#did i really thought that iād be the toxic ex?#no. of course not#never expected to be an ex to begin with#ah. the mental illness really got so much worse after getting broken up with#well. not precisely broken up with#ghosted for a month. then told that maybe with time we could get back together#then placed in a situationship#then later being made aware than i was the other woman during those times bc she was dating her friends on and off#then now being ghosted again#i am too intense. i know itās my fault#i just wanna die man#i feel too much. i dont wanna feel this much.#iām sorry i didnāt love you enough. i genuinely am so. so sorry
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money š like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#Thereās this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I donāt tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because itās rlly lonely if I donāt itās still lonely and then if thereās nobody at all itās lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm Iām gonna krill myself š»š#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time Iām so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor ā¦ I canāt help but think itās all my fault ā¦ I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ā¦.#I didnāt expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone ā¦#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think Iām maybe somewhere high up on someoneās list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho Iām rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if Iāve ever been excited for Ei#Itās like Iām just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen donāt like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now itās just such a hassle to me because Iām so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. Iām so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldnāt you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when Iāve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + Iām just sick of pretending like everyone doesnāt suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when theyāre this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags š»š»š»
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#vent post vent post lalalala#i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms#like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun#incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise#quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now#like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it#i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time#and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol#but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces#and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up#to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol#and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her#cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure#like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed
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I don't wanna be a party pooper because I really love Herlock but with the way they live, Iris is gonna grow up to resent him and likely decrease or completely cut contact after moving out
#She does a lot of the house chores and he relies on her way more than a parent should#A parent shouldn't rely on their kid at all#Maybe when the kid is an adult but Iris is TEN#At that age she should be reading fairy tales and drawing ugly drawings and going to school#Not cooking and cleaning because her guardian is too inconsistent and mentally ill to do it himself#Of course you can't blame a parent for being mentally ill but you can blame him for not reaching out and getting help to raise Iris#Obviously he can't raise her alone#He's a single parent and has a full time job plus some mental health issues#Like dude at least call in Greg to babysit her once or twice a week so you can take a break#Or ask another friend!!!#Idfk#Anyway I speak from experience#My dad is doing badly so I often have to cook and clean because he can't#And it's only partially his fault that he's like this#But I still resent him and I want to cut contact#It wouldn't be unrealistic for Iris to want the same when she gets old enough to realize how unhealthy her relationship with Sholmes is#It's good that Ryunosuke and Susato live with them#And Iris has a friend like Gina who cares about her deeply and helps her sometimes#But that's RECENT#Sholmes has had custody of Iris for as long as she can remember#And with how they both talk about it then this way of living is normal for them#PLEASE get another adult to live with you and take care of Iris you mess of a man!!!!#I have an au I need to make on this subject#To explore the characters but also to vent some of my resentment towards my own dad#Proof reading the tags and I wanna add something#Iris still cooks when Ryu and Susato move in#So they don't do much to lessen the load on her#But add to it because she has to cook for two more people#pie won't shut up#asexual attorneys
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developing what seems to be a cold at the same time as this tooth thing is Just what i needed, very cool very dope
#ash.txt#idk if its a mix of feeling under the weather myself or just the actual weather being so Shit#but ive felt a little crappy lately anyway#like regardless of illness n whatnot fghj#just a little despondent i guess#ive been so paralysed with having to job hunt that i just... havent been#which is my own fault of course i need to be more proactive but man#i dont have any references yet i have to get in touch with my old boss and tutors#and the tutors are fine but i havent spoken to my old boss in years and i feel rude-#-just out of the blue emailing her like 'haha heyyy how ya doin can u tell prospective employers im a delight to have??'#idk if i even Have her email anymore or phone number#stuck in a rut rn man. feels bad.
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three of my five top songs for the spotify wrapped are songs associated with masato with my brain No one look at me for a little while
#watched through it as i walked to work and it was so EMBARRASSINGā¦ā¦..#reeks of mental illness. like it was hysterical also of course#especially since me and my older sister share a premium account and absolutely everything that showed up#was my fault#but like. christ. when the being crazy and insane hits
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currently feeling very djajfjjsjfjjs grrrrr at my apartment people >:(
#ik its not their fault but also :((((((#basically the apartment i was trying to get gas to be fully renovated before they're actually allowed to lease it#(so sayeth their big boss)#and that means that the price i had had for it is NOT the price it will end up being and idk yet how much higher it'll be#and i won't know for a hot minute bc they have to figure it out#which just furthers my anxiety about it of course#but we've reached the point where of the new price post-reno is the same or somehow still lower than my current rent then ill take it#bc even at the same the same for a BRANDLY NEW renovated apartment that still has 1 more room than i have now#which would be great#and if its less then thats EVEN BETTER#though I'm trying not to get my hopes up for that especially bc the price i had was mostly bc it was in may/june#and july is when itll be most expensive :(#shh ac
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Nothing worse than feeling a cold come on on a Friday afternoon, and by Friday evening you're annoyed with a headache wondering why everyone around you is so loud and energetic and by Friday night you're full blown sick in bed š®āšØ
#this is definitely because i went out and got sloppy at some trashy bars on Wednesday š my fault#first time ive gone barhopping in a couple of months. of course id pick something up of COURSE#i havent been sick since may though (unless you count the sinus congestion issues i had during travel in September) so thats good!#but when i was a kid id get sick once in October and once in march every year like clockwork. sometimes once in January too.#but last year i didnt get my October illness so i feel like im overdue#im sure im fine its just a sinus infection to be endured. ive had a million of them in my life its no big deal#but it sucks being sick on a friday night and ill probably be cancelling my Saturday and Sunday plans too just to be safe
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today Iām going to be angry about past decisions
#hm! fucking hate that if I want something I have to get it myself because my fucking family has an idea of me that is incongruous#to my actual self!#should've fucking FOUGHT the decision to move me from one class to the other. both times.#but no I was beholden to expectations#and of course everyone else feels like they get better opportunities than me#it's not always about not taking the opportunities presented because sometimes the only opportunities you get fucking Suck#'oh you should've taken more *~opportunities~* in high school' yeah ok I made the choice to not get bullied more when I could actually#and of course there's always when the special opportunities they went on and fucking on about getting pulled out from under you#I hate the word opportunity now fuck this#I feel like I am behind everyone else#and that I missed out on the years where I. had the actual ABILITY to learn new thing#things#yeah ok I'm just fucking triggered because I can literally HEAR people way younger than me getting way better treatment#at the hands of that stupid fucking school#it is my fault. but also if they weren't fucking LIKE THAT THE WHOLE TIME#I know it was like. inevitable. since everyone I was held to the expectations of had either a head start got to do what they actually wanted#and DIDN'T start developing severe mental illnesses that prevented me from functioning#but I still fucking hate them all! I didn't ask for special treatment I asked solely to be treated equitably#I feel like I wasted half of my childhood and of course I DIDN'T GET THE OTHER HALF#you won't get the other half when you're being pursued by the government as a way of getting at your parents#I do actually like. want to be better at stuff. but NO I HAVE to feel inadequate
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