#(since i have gastroparesis so every fucking food decision risks me vomiting/being unable to eat for days if i fuck it up...
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You ever confronted by how much fear is holding you back on even little daily things? ;-;
#rant#like i have adhd and im sure thats a portion of my decision paralysis and procrastination#but like... tax forms wouldnt be SO hard if i wasnt so terrified of filling out every little portion wrong#i am TERRIFIED of not understanding the directions and not knowing what to do next when i fill out a form...#i am terrified of calling my doctor and trying to Guess how to word my symptoms in a way which will result in me being helped instead of#dismissed. i am terrified that what i choose to eat will HURT bad and have days long consequences#(since i have gastroparesis so every fucking food decision risks me vomiting/being unable to eat for days if i fuck it up...#and you WILL always fuck up food decisions... if i wish to ever eat at a restaurant there will be random additives i cant check or forgot a#about... and sometimes they WILL hurt me)#and hell... with my chronic illness. there's days through NO fault or choice of my own... i simply feel WORSE#i can meticulously slowly cautiously make all my decisions. and STILL 'fuck up' and be in incapacitating pain for days#its so frustrating!#yeah i get afraid i'll write and make a mistake in a fanfic whatever. or pick a show im bored with.#but it's frustrating how much GENUINE fear i deal with on everyday decisions#if i eat the wrong thing? fucked up for days. if i choose to paint and my body decides it cant handle#sitting upright that long? fucked up for days#if i choose to go for a walk and my body decides halfway through it cant do it? FUCKED up for days#if i want to get myself a yummy food or drink from a restaurant to reward myself? random chance#it could fuck me up for days#choose not to eat at all? ....body for no predictable reason may choose it's upset and i... feel fucked up for days anyway#so many daily decisions feel like high probability i'll FUCK MYSELF UP FOR DAYS#and i do not like enduring feeling that bad. so of course i get scared to make decisions.#and then that anxiety seeps into ALL decisions#and suddenly i realize i feel scared just... calling my mom to say i'll come over#because WHAT if i start vomiting and im in immense pain and have to CANCEL my visit and she gets UPSET and#maybe i should have just NOT tried to see her at all because now i'm dealing with an upset mom just because i couldnt predict#my health bombing that day.#or what if i start my taxes... and i have a panic attack (because im SO scared of making mistakes) and then my roommate yells at me#for being too emotional or my boss yells at me for having to take a mental health day off#(because i keep hyperventilating and cant rationalize anything cause im having panic attacks) and then my work/pay suffers and house feels
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